Hii~
So i saw this on a tumblr post but is very jonmartin
"Jon and Martin are planning their wedding, they want to have their cat as ring bearer (is this how it's called?) But Martin doesn't know the name of the cat because they always call it different nicknames and jon just doesn't tell him and he don't want to admit that after all that years don't know.
Because jon didn't know either! he thinks that the cat is Martin's and he also is trying to figure out the name."
Martin’s not a cat person.
Honestly, he’s just not really an animal person. Like, in general.
The same isn’t true for Jon, of course. On, like, their second date, Jon—who, up until that point, had been all leather elbow patches on his stupid tweed jackets and “hmm, perhaps” and thoughtful squinting—got approached by a cat in the street, and pretty much melted on the spot.
Martin melted, too, but for slightly different reasons.
So it wasn't really a surprise when Jon moved in and Cat started turning up. Sure, it felt a little bit out of character for Jon not to excitedly announce that, one, he'd gotten a pet cat really recently, and, two, he was bringing it into Martin's place, which is a relatively humble little cottage, but Cat seems to free-roam most of the time, so it's not like she's encroaching on much of the space. And, anyway, it's not like Martin hates cats, so he doesn't mind. He just sort of thought Jon would have said something. But he didn't.
So.
You know.
There's a cat.
She's grown on Martin over time. In fact, it's usually him that wakes up with her purring and headbutting him at fuck-off o'clock in the morning, and Jon's not a heavy sleeper, so if she'd attacked him first, Martin would know.
But she's nice. Lovely little tufts of fur between her toes, and quite a deep meow for such a pretty lady. He'll call her Lady Catherine sometimes, and Jon's got the gall to pretend he doesn't think it's hilarious. Mind you, Jon's terms of endearment for her skew a bit more—pejorative, for lack of a better term? Like, Cat will take the opportunity when Jon is hunched over a stack of student essays at the dining table, and she'll leap onto his shoulders, and do that loaf thing, and Jon always says "unhand me, you infernal creature", or the few times she has bothered Jon in the middle of the night for pre-dawn breakfast service, he's grumbled "vile beast" even as he gets up to feed her.
Martin's tried telling him he shouldn't be encouraging her. But Jon just turns around and says "yes, I know, that's why I chastise her".
Martin stays impressed that someone so smart can be so stupid. Which he means affectionately, obviously. If he didn't, they wouldn't be getting married.
Which is great, by the way. It's great.
Does present some—unique problems, though.
Martin's got absolutely no bloody clue what her actual name is.
Which, you know, it's not like he's filling out adoption papers or anything, but at some point after some late-night banter it became part of the plan that Cat should be the ring-bearer at the wedding.
And he can't not know the name of a member of the party at his own wedding.
So he starts sleuthing.
"Hey," he says one evening, when GBBO is over and they're just sitting there with the telly on mute.
Jon looks up from his thorough inspection of Cat's beans, her paw gently clasped between his thumb and forefinger, and goes "Mm?"
"Been thinking."
Jon lifts one eyebrow. "Mm?"
"We could get her a proper little collar and everything."
Jon blinks a couple of times, then smiles. "Oh, for the wedding, you mean?" Martin nods. "Oh, yes, it could match your tie."
Okay, that's adorable, but also, unfortunately, not the point.
"Ooh, yeah," he says, then: "Oh! And, like, a little engraved name-tag. Really fancy."
Jon's eyes narrow almost imperceptibly.
"Yes," he says, tone completely unreadable. "Silver or gold, do you think?"
Martin's suddenly wondering if it's a trap.
"Dunno," he says, turning his eyes back to the brightly-coloured advert on the screen. "What's her vibe, you think?"
In the corner of his eye he sees Jon's jaw working silently as he searches for something to say.
"I think your input should be taken into consideration," he says, lifting his chin as Cat stands, stretches, and headbutts him. "Since... you know."
Martin considers whether or not Jon's messing with him, because frankly, he very much does not know.
"Mmm. Well! Uh- I- I like gold. Would match our bands."
"True enough," Jon says. Cat leaps onto the back of the sofa, and they're both silent till she curls up there and falls back asleep.
Jon doesn't seem very eager to say anything else.
Bugger.
"So..." Martin says, lifting his glasses to rub his eyes. "Um... what's the spelling, again?"
Jon's blurry form sits up straighter, and when Martin puts his glasses back on he sees his mouth open in shock.
"Might I ask why you're asking me?" Jon says, which doesn't make any sense.
"W- um. Y- you know, you're the English teacher."
Jon inclines his head to the side, frowning. "Hmm," he goes. "W- I- I- yes, I—mm." He lowers himself back against the sofa again. "The usual way."
Martin sighs.
"Right," he says. "Okay."
The silence gets a bit fraught, then. When Martin stands up to take their mugs to the kitchen, he might be a tiny bit huffy. It's possible.
Jon follows him, and he stays huffy, because it's easier to keep up than neutrality when he's trying to hide that he's a bit annoyed and a bit embarrassed.
"Everything alright?" Jon says, leaning casually against the fridge as Martin puts way too much effort into scrubbing both mugs clean.
"Mm."
Several seconds pass.
"Could I say something?" Jon asks, a bit hesitantly.
If Martin had to guess, he'd put money on "you're a negligent idiot for not paying enough attention to know my cat's name and I hate you".
"Yeah."
Jon exhales audibly behind him, as though amused.
"With all due respect and affection, darling—" He pauses till Martin is finished aggressively rinsing the mugs. Martin still doesn't turn to face him, though, because he's a tiny bit scared of where this is going, honestly. "If you've forgotten how to spell your own cat's name, that's not, strictly speaking, my fault, is it?"
Martin turns around.
Several things occur to him at once.
First, Cat's a dirty freeloader who owes Martin like fourteen months of rent.
Second, it might, legitimately, have been a coincidence that she and Jon moved in around the same time.
Third, he can't remember a time he's heard Jon use any method of address on her except for creature, or beast, or the ones Martin uses himself.
Which means, fourth, Jon doesn't know her bloody name either.
Because she's not his cat.
Well.
"Okay," Martin says. "Let's assume I have forgotten. Couldn't you just—help me out—and spell it?"
"Martin," Jon says disparagingly with a frown.
"Jon," Martin says, trying really hard not to smirk.
Jon does that thing where his mouth starts in a flat line, but as his irritation grows, his nose scrunches up, and the line of his mouth slowly rises up his face until he exclaims inarticulately and throws his hands in the air in defeat.
"Fine!" he says. "Fine, okay, alright, fine. I—I don't—I don't know. I don't know! I meant to ask, but I felt negligent not having known when I moved in, and then, after a month or seven I couldn't very well come out and ask, could I? And then—good heavens, it's been more than a year, there was no subtle way to recover!"
Martin's not laughing at him.
But he is laughing.
Breathlessly, uncontrollably, doubling over—to the point where Jon actually crosses the few steps separating them in the tiny kitchen to place a hand on his shoulder, gently guiding him upright with a concerned look on his face.
"Sorry," Martin manages eventually, wiping tears from his eyes. "Christ, sorry, I'm just—"
He takes a deep, measured breath.
"I've got to tell you something," he says sheepishly. Jon puts his hands on Martin's shoulders and looks into his face with the earnest sobriety that, even now, gives Martin butterflies.
"Anything," he says, still frowning intensely.
Martin averts his eyes. "She's not my cat either."
When Jon stops laughing, he spends the rest of the evening lecturing Cat in his Not Mad Just Disappointed voice ("identity fraud is an extremely serious matter, young lady, and you are terribly lucky you have such sweet little eyes, or I might be compelled to take legal action against you, please let go of my nose").
Oh, but they do end up getting her an engraved gold name-tag for the ceremony.
It says 'Lady Catherine (Beast)'.
420 notes
·
View notes