#but im too scared to quit my job because how else am i going to be able to afford health insurance

[july-19th-club]

thing about being reprimanded at work is that it doesn't make me want to do the work better it just makes me want to quit my fucking job lmao

[spoiledlemonsbiggestfan]

SORRY I DISAPPEARED

Hello there! It has been way too long since i updated you guys on how i've been doing, and i've probably only got myself to blame on this one. But i have FANtastic news to share! (get it? Cus i'm fan? Genious, i know.) I finally managed to get a job! And a decent one this time, no more cleaning mediocre school halls for me! (Horrayyy!)

So this entire hiatus hasnt been for nothing, i've been very hard at work finally being able to persue the thing i love the most, writting! Now i can officially call myself a journalist instead of an amature blogger. The self-improvement sure is real, love to see it. Sadly, I am constantly restricted from putting my heart and soul onto the paper in favor of transmitting what could be classified as useless information to whoever is bored enough to watch the news. And that constant restrain has made me miss the days of the good ol' Fan blog, so i guess you could say that's the reason i'm here. I've missed writting whatever i want to without the need to always double or triple check my work, its fun to not worry if every single word i type fits into my current streams of thought and stuff like that. But you don't wanna hear about all of that do you? You wanna hear about the funny stories! The authentic work experience i have gained! Atleast i hope so, because if not then youre probably in the wrong blog. But if that IS what you came here for, bluckle up bukaroo because im about to tell all about the working woes and friendly foes!

First off the job aplication process was VERY off-putting, my 2 future bosses took care of the interview and they asked... odd questions. They were also always a little too...rude. But thats ok! Nothing that i havent already handled. On the job i have met some interesting personalities such as suitcase! (I was given permission to state her name, duh) suitcase is very kind and funny, but she also has social anxiety, which is weird considering she is one of the few reporters we have, the type that usually goes out, interviews others and deals with harsh weather conditions for some reason. Suitcase is always busy going from one place to another so she can grab the needed fotage, and since im normally the one who writtes her scripts, i get to go with her sometimes! The news channel utilises this totally not ominous and cramped mini-van to cary all of the needed equipment and people. Surprisingly enough, my supervisor is the one who drives the van! She's quite chill, her voice is so smooth that i have to stop myself from yawning when i'm around her. Dont get on her bad side though, i once saw her almost yell at our make-up artist. Speaking of that, they both have some weird relationship going on, i genuinely have no idea if they are friends or enemies and at this point i am too scared to ask suitcase about it.

Working there is pretty chill, i tecnically dont need to phisically be there but hey, a bit more of social interaction wouldnt hurt. Besides, i wouldnt have met suitcase if i only sent my scripts via e-mail! So its a win-win! What else do i have to say abt work? Hmmm.... oh yea! I have a funny story to share!

On my first few days, suitcase told me that the make-up artist was an extreme chatter-box that preferably likes to "spill the tea" on everyone. But if you've been following this blog for a while now, you'd know that im not really good with understanding these types of frases, so for the longest time i thought that this guy actually spilled tea on people on porpose. (he looks really refined, so i just assumed he would be the kind of guy to like tea) So i, being extremelly cautious to not get tea on my lovely red paper, avoided him for like 5 days straight! He eventually caught on and complained to suitcase about it, she then told me so, and i explained my conundrum to her. After she explained what the frase actually meant, we couldnt stop laughting! I never actually apologised to the guy, i sure hope he doesnt hold grudges!

[circular-bircular]

on the topic of you being a teacher + system, how much did being a system affect your entry into a career?

im considering college but the problem is that it feels like my parts are all pulling me in ten different directions and im scared to start anything because where will i even be in 4-8 years yk? if i start a degree and end up hating it, or the part that wanted it doesnt want to fromt anymore, or— you get the picture.

how did you do it and do you have any tips for young adult systems who need to do the same thing?

I am greatly lucky that my system was very close to each other from the start. We had parts who were simply ambivalent to the job we would get, and parts who love teaching firmly. We didn't really realize we had anyone who hated teaching until we did our student teaching in my senior year of college -- which, shockingly, is actually when a lot of would've-been-teachers learn that they hate teaching. However, it's only about 2 parts out of my (currently) 14 who hate it with a burning passion, so... Majority kinda rules.

In terms of it affecting my entry just... symptomatically, it really hasn't been an issue. That's primarily because I have fought for my accommodations. I worked hard to make people realize that I needed assistance. I didn't go around telling everyone and their brother that I have DID, but I have made it known that, due to a childhood developmental/trauma disorder (depending on who's asked), I struggle with my memory a lot and benefit from reminders. On the lowest tier of "I need this person to accommodate me but I don't want them knowing jack shit," I literally just. Have asked if they would send a reminder out. Simple, easy peazy. Do NOT be afraid to ask for accommodations, buddy!

But it sounds like you're struggling more with the internal side of DID -- the disagreements between parts and trying to fulfill all their needs. To which I say: No matter what, someone is going to need to compromise.

We have a lot of disagreements, but they don't cause us any distress any longer, because we have come to terms with the fact that we only have one life to live. For instance, Numb would love to quit teaching and dedicate himself to writing full time... But Curtis would be devastated if we did that. So... compromise: Numb deals with teaching, but we make sure (and never let this one slip) to dedicate time to writing when we feel the desire to. We write at work pretty often, particularly when he's out.

You're going to have parts pulling you in many different directions, especially if you're starting out. If you're in your late teens to early 20s, it's important to recognize just how much life you have left to live. You are not past the hump yet -- you've barely scratched the surface of living. You are GOING to be somewhere new in 5, 10, 20 years. And you have survived this long; you'll survive that too.

My suggestion is to go with what the majority seem to agree with; if MOST of you like something, then odds are, it'll pan out in the end. But also, don't worry, because if you end up changing in the future... that's okay. You're supposed to. Everybody changes.

And also, as much as possible, compromise with those parts who are dissatisfied. Numb and Debbie have to deal with teaching, but we make it a bearable as possible in the times when they do front. We carve out time for everyone else's passions, even when it's hard to juggle all of that -- and when it gets too much to juggle, we have conversations with each other about what takes our priority (which, in the end, is almost always our health, and probably should always be our health).

Being a system is a lesson on collaborative teamwork. I wish you luck with yours <3

[thatcritterthatskitter]

couldnt sleep. anyways, forgot to express this on my blog but i forgot to express that cran berrrn like. a pretty normal guy. catguy. you know how it is. dude's village got apocalypse-d by the lesser moon and seeks to build a home (better perhaps, or at least just as home-ly) but at the cost of him falling out of contact with his ADOPTED SISTER (it was mostly her fault for not writing back, and also because he works on a fishing vessel months at a time)

But he did it. he made the cash, he quit his job, sets out to rebuild, and found out that his sister is gone. and also she changed careers (killing gods) and gender (non-binary)

idk something something about a guy finding out your best friend sibling thang that has been out of the picture for a longass while suddenly resurfacing as THE person to go toe to toe with gods and monsters and come out on top

like what do you even do? bank on their fame? (hell no) Politely remind them that you still set your sights on rebuilding your village from the ground-up despite everyone else moving on? (maybe we should reconsider) or like. joining in on the chaos. learn a new magic, figure out how to navigate the treacherous waters of an adventurer to catch up to the one person you have left in your life and ask, plead, anything: dont go yet, come home, im still in your corner doubtless of the distance physical and mental between us, i miss you, i hate you, i wish we were still kids and our only troubles were having to share toys and snacks, can we still be friends, can we still be family, i would like to get to know the you of now, i grieve the you of yesterday, come visit soon, dont leave me behind, im coming with you, are you happy, are you loved, are you scared, it's ok to be scared, im scared too, do you still like apple pies, i am afraid of the blood on your hands, im willing to drench my own too, are you safe, are you well, are you having fun,

just live, and be happy for me

[logically-asexual]

vent underneath

i saw a psychologist for like 4 years from the end of high school to almost the end of college and from the first session she told me that i had that “gifted kid” problem (she didn’t name it that) where kids do well in school and have a lot of promise but then they end up in minimum wage jobs because they never learn the proper skills to live up to that potential and like. i know. i understand it. and i saw this woman many times and we tried to make me learn to manage my time and my priorities and so on and yet.

after everything i STILL wasn’t prepared for being out of school and immediately feeling like the dumbest person on the planet. because i don’t know how to do anything.

and it doesn’t help that the only people i interact with since the pandemic are my parents and i never feel quite as stupid as when im with my mom. yeah i get it you have a doctorate and you’re the best at your job and you remember every single detail from your childhood and you can improvise a 1 hour talk for hundreds of people on the spot and still impress everyone and you think you’re just the standard of human common sense and anyone else below is stupid and i’m very much under that line. i know.

i am not catholic and i don’t eve live in anything but the other day i had to go to church with my family and the priest decided to talk about how when people die god is going to ask what you did with the gifts he gave you, if you were good and multiplied them or if you were a lazy bitch and did nothing. and i just. i have so much, my parents have offered me so much and i am healthy and everything is so good the only problem is me, is that im incapable of doing anything with it. i don’t deserve any of this because ill do nothing with it ill just. i’m just a total waste. im going to end up losing everything my parents worked to build.

and i know that’s not the healthy way to think about it that i’m supposed to be grateful and appreciate things i have but like. then what. being grateful means acknowledging the privilege and then using it for good but it’s the using it part that i just can’t get to. many others have done way more with much less than i have but i can’t. i’m too scared and too. fucking stupid. i can’t do this. i can’t do anything.

[stxrmylxve]

a good life lesson you might need to hear.

it’s not too terribly bad ig, just my childhood in a nutshell and what i’ve learned lol

As a child growing up, i hated to look in the mirror. it wasnt because i didn’t like myself, hated myself, etc, it was that i looked at myself and saw my parents in me. however, i didn’t hate my parents. we were quite a happy family and i must admit, dispite a lot of discipline, i was spoiled af.

My parents wanted me to walk a tight line. they oftentimes viewed others as dumb and believed i could be much better. i would brag to them about my grades and i would get a good job, but good grades were expected of me. it blew my ego off and i turned.. sad in a way. it still pains me to look back at how i used to be, even still recently in the past year i could say i was this way.

i remember going into middle school; phones were pretty vague in my house, but i would still talk to my friend ever once in a while. she was at school and i was out for the whole year of 6th grade and it severed our bond a good bit. i was her only friend through elementary, but being alone in middle school made her migrate to new friends, bad friends. she would always talk about how she was so excited to see me when i got back, and when i did, she didn’t even bat an eye at me. she stayed with her friends and left me alone to find my way through school myself. she promised to help me, give me tips, help me meet new friends and who to stay away from, and she didnt, she abandoned me.

I guess what i’m trying to say is that relationships dont last. it might sound as what the current generation would call ‘cringe’ or ‘depressing’, but we all know it’s true in its own way to each of us.

Once i realized this, i began relying on myself and myself only. i kept things from others, not because they were necessarily bad, but because i was scared. scared to open up. scared to be myself. I shouldn’t have been, but i was. i shaped myself into someone else to have friends and to please them.

when i joined online in the recent years, it was certainly interesting to learn about. i learned that it is actually okay to be yourself. if someone doesn’t like it, they can be blocked or can block you, or maybe even people will stick up for you. you can be your own self online, and i think that is so cool.

I guess after all of this rambling, it’s a long way to say thank you for the 53 followers i have right now. it’s not a heafty number like many others have, but i do hope to continue to grow as i show others that its okay to have weird thoughts, to share them, to have kinks others dont have, or have that one cool skill no one knows about except your pets. i hope i have at least created a safe space for my small community and i just want yall to know i am here for you because i’ve learned a thing or two by now.

hell, i dont even care if you go anonymously and want to talk through my inbox or if you want to venture into my dms for quicker answers, im here. even if you send me something quick, a meme, any message truly puts a smile on my face.

it shows people know me. they know i exist.

[wintersoldierbmb]

thursday june 6 i feel like a useless person.

im not depressed and haven’t been for like a year now but i can feel it creeping back in. family drama somehow found a way to me and without saying too much i don’t know who to trust anymore. people really don’t care about me as much as they lie and say they do.

on another note I’m just not motivated to do anything anymore. i wish i could just die. i don’t want to be useless. even though i am in college and stuff i still feel like my life is going to go nowhere and i’ll just be another person existing, taking up everyone else’s oxygen for no reason. i don’t deserve to live if i can’t be useful. i feel like i am incapable of doing the simplest of tasks and that makes me feel like i have no future. i wish someone would get rid of me so i don’t have to kill myself. i wish i didn’t have ADHD. i wish my mind wasn’t on a trillion things at once all the time. i wish i was easy for people to understand. i wish the smallest ripples in how i feel in a moment didn’t have the potential to make my whole day crash and burn. i really wish i was rich, and if not rich then at least normal so that i could be a functioning member of society and be able to get a job or something. i wish i had my own house but i will probably never get one because i can’t save money for the life of me. music isn’t working even though I’ve been consistently doing that since i was born (literally) so there’s another goal in the trash. i have been wasting my time with everything i try to pursue. i should just die.

i’m 19 years old and the only asset i have is the fact that i’m in college. i passed my summer one classes (i think) and i can’t even celebrate it. i can’t bring myself to be happy about that achievement. all i can do is thank God and move on. internally i’m not happy or proud of myself. even now i want to drop out. i am my biggest enemy. i’m not capable of doing things everyone else has learned to do when they were 15, 16, 17 in high school. i don’t think i have an interesting future or even a good one at all. i will die with regrets on how i lived my life. if i grow old, it will be into a life of regret of how lame i was as a youth, and how i didn’t choose to do what everyone else did. my perception on life is very skewed, but i don’t even know how to look at life anymore. i spent so much time being high and under the influence in the past few years that it was the only reality i could function in. now i’m trying to be sober again and not depend on weed to make me a normal person and the only thing it is doing is making me feel like shit inside. my self worth is only high on one day out of the week (probably because i was high that day) and for the rest of the week i feel worthless. if i killed myself i wouldn’t hurt a lot of people except for MAYBE my mom and i don’t want to do that to her.

i feel like something is wrong with me or that i am mentally retarded. everyone else seems to have the necessary brainpower to do everything they need to in life, but here i am being slow in mine. i try every day to improve my work ethic and attitude about living, but my insecurities overwhelm me. all i can think about is how dumb i feel. i feel like a stupid person. i am not intelligent or as intelligent as people make me out to be. if i was in any situation worse than i have been in in my life i probably wouldn’t make it. i thank God every day for always giving me another chance, but i feel sad because i feel like i’m wasting it. He is too merciful to someone who cannot make anything for himself. music is all i have to offer anymore. nothing about me is special or different enough for me to get recognized for. i don’t even feel like a real person anymore. i feel like i’m nobody. i should die soon and quit wasting everyone’s time, but i’m too scared to do it to myself. drugs are the only thing that “restore” me, but thats how you end up being a fucking junkie. i will never be a junkie. i’m hoping one of these days i overdose or get a bad batch of some weed or tale a strange pill or get spiked and die from it. i don’t want torture or deserve a long painful death as i haven’t done anything to earn that. the only thing that i need to do is die. quickly

[itsays]

woah ok so. oversharing ahead. 

ever since my psychiatrist brought up quitting my meds i cant stop thinking about it. i’ve thought long and hard, i really wanna quit. i’ve experienced so many side effects throughout the years and quite honestly it’s a pain in the ass. it’s so inconvenient and it messes up everything. if i go out at night, i cant take my meds because you’re not supposed to mix them with alcohol, when i get back, i have to wait to somewhat sober up to take JUST my sleeping pills because otherwise i cant sleep at all. at some point, i had to take my meds while eating or my nausea would be too bad, if i went anywhere i had to go carrying around my meds and not that meds are hard to carry around but it’s still annoying, especially if you’re eating with other people, i dont feel like explaining im on different psychiatric medications, sure i can say i have cramps or something but even that is already annoying on its own to have to lie. honestly, the thought that i straight out cant function without them makes me feel trapped, stuck, like im dependent on them BECAUSE I AM. it’s so annoying and i wish it could just go away and never have to worry about it again. i hate my meds and i hate that every time i’ve gone without them i end up back at the psychiatrist and not even taking myself but with my mom dragging me there like a child because i wont get out of bed and she’s so worried. i cant even take care of myself when things get bad it’s so annoying i just wanna be an adult and i CANT!!!! without my meds the wires in my head just go crazy something unscrews. and when i think about how he says im stable and a functional adult, i was shocked. what’s functional about me? i quite literally cant do any adult things. sure i have a stable job, i buy my own stuff. what else? i have nothing else going for me how is that functional. the level to which im behind in life compared to people my age is crazy. im 26 years old and have the life experience of a 16 year old. i never grew up after that and i would give examples of all the things i never did because i never left my room but man what if someone’s actually reading this lol i do nothing i have no life experience, no friends, nothing. my whole life is working, watching tv shows and sleeping. that’s all i ever do. i havent been to the movies since 2018 havent been to the beach that’s 20 minutes away since 2019 i went out drinking twice in a whole year. i literally have nothing going for me how is that functional? anyways i want to quit my meds but im scared to lol

[autisticlee]

"just be your self! it solves all your problems/makes everything better!"

except you're a person where being yourself gets you severely bullied, abused, and/or neglected. it makes everyone hate and abandon you and leaves you with no connections or support or anything. sometimes you're disabled and need to rely on others to live and they simply refuse because they don't like the real you. sometimes it leads people to purposely harm you because they don't like who you are. sometimes you can't simply avoid those people because they're your family you need to live with and cant simply move out, classmates you cant change, or coworkers at a job you can't afford to quit. it can even cause people to physically harm you because they are hateful. sometimes you can't escape them before they inflict their harm. sometimes people purposely sabotage your life because they decide they don't like you and sometimes you can't do anything about it. sometimes you can't get anywhere in life like in a career because you aren't liked enough and can't play social games to please others.

yeah maybe you have the benefit of not pretending, not wearing a mask, not trying to live to peoples expectations, but sometimes that majorly backfires, and some people don't seem to understand that.

"BEING YOURSELF" ISN'T ALWAYS THE ONE AND ONLY PERFECT SOLUTION. SOMETIMES ITS NOT SAFE. SOMETIMES YOU CANT AFFORD TO "NOT GIVE A FUCK" AND SOMETIMES IT SIMPLY DOESNT BENEFIT YOU AND YOUR LIFE FOR MANY REASONS.

wheres the support for us people out here being ourselves but still struggling with life sucking?! where support for us people who are being ourselves and still have no support from other people or friends? why do you all only respond to us that we ~still aren't being ourselves correctly/still care too much what people think"??????

if we aren't being ourselves correctly, aren't you basically telling us to care what you think and be what you want? what if I don't want to listen to your nonsense? and we care too much what people think still?? would you not care if someone threatened your life or even tried to take it because they don't like you?! if you were stuck with disabilities and no support because the only people around you abuse you for being yourself?

maybe think about this next time you think this is perfect advice everyone should follow and want to argue with them if they say it doesn't help.

and just because someone might point out that "being yourself" hasn't helped them/is actibely harming them, doesn't mean they are currently *trying to be someone else/make people like them/care what others think/gave up being themsleves* so telling them they aren't doing it right is not going to help!!!!

me for example, I only like what I like, do what I want. I always ignore and turn people down because I don't like their things or they try to insult me and my things. im known to be blunt/straightforward and "make conversations all about my special interests (hobbies for you nonautistics)" and don't care if others hate it. I have no control over how I am or act because of autism and adhd and dissociating so I can't even "pretend" or mask anyway. what you see is what you get with me. and I don't care if people don't like me individually. i'm not actively *trying* to make people like me. maybe that's why it seems like no one ever does

what I do care about is people purposely harming me because they dont like who I am (because it hurts? how do you not care about that while it's happening lmao). I care about the fact that I scare everyone away with being myself and "the right people" haven't magically showed up yet, I care I have no support, no companionship in life, im forced to be alone and cant share things i enjoy or "myself" with others. I do everything alone. i'm disabled so that's VERY HARD and unsatisfying and even dangerous!!!! but I have no choice.

again I don't care of individually people don't like me or the things I like/do or whatever. their judgements don't hurt me. their physical harm and abusive mind games hurt me. and the fact that being myself pushes away everyone until i'm the only one left is what bothers me. because is it my fault or theirs? don't know! Who cares. but it's very hard due to my circumstances to be completely alone and only have people against me because they dont like the "self" I am and don't connect with me and things I enjoy and there's just no connections or ways to bond! and I dint have the privilege of meeting enough new people due to living in a small restricted area/life conditions and being disabled and not having the energy to talk to 100 people a month to try weeding out all the bad ones until I find the single good one! (I did that the last couple months and i'm now so burnt out that i'm having really bad physical disability symptoms and mental regression-like symptoms. so what do you want from me?! how is "being myself" solving my porblems if they're still here or getting worse?! I don't get it!!!!!

to be fair, when I was doing the little masking I was able to do growing up to try avoid being bullied,,,,,it didn't help. so I gave up and accepted the no friends/abuse/bullying/neglect, believing people "one day it will get better" but im tired of waiting for " one day. " nothing has changed by "becoming my true self" there's no difference. I still have no friends. my needs are still neglected. I still get bullied by strangers and abused by "friends" so it's not a solution. i get the idea. the stress and pressure of putting on a play and being a character can be too hard. thinking about everyone's opnions every time you dp anything can be too much to handle. but not doing that anymore doesn't automatically make everything better. it hasn't made it better for me. I can't make people like me. but I also can't make them stop treating me like shit or help me. liking myself and helping myself only gets me so far before I hit a wall I can't get over alone. but when I look beside me, I see some bullies pulling me down and no people that like me in sight. don't try to *make* people like you sure. but not having anyone that likes you makes life very difficult. admit it! being yourself does not make people automatically like you!!!!! 😭😭😭😭 maybe i'm just a horrible person that thinks too highly of myself to realize I don't know!

[fodlansbestmom]

what’s the best way to tell someone what’s going on (if there even is something going on??) aside from “I don’t know”? Bc I’ll admit I did two no call no shows in the last week (one I completely was going to actually call in for but guess I never did) last week and then yesterday.

I don’t know. I’m just. I know I’m spiraling. I barely ate the past two weeks, I’m not really hungry, I’ve been in pain (last week), but I’m just. I want to do things, I even get ready and prepared but when the time comes, I.. I just don’t. I haven’t kept up with anything, I do the bare minimum. Am I depressed? Is it something more? Is this void I feel like I’m trapped in getting the better of me?

I’ve never been good with words or figuring out my emotions or thoughts or why I do half the things I do. I just. Have no real answer and quite frankly. I’m a bit. Scared? I might have did a no call no show once before but that was years ago, same job. Yesterday I just.. I passed out after my alarm went off and didn’t wake until like 7 hours later but I just.

I’ve been pushing things off more and more, a habit I’ve always done but it’s more extreme? Such as putting aside sleep; I’m exhausted beyond belief but do I sleep? I do literally everything else in the world before I do which results in like. 2 or 3 hours daily when it’s not my days off.

A friend earlier asked if I’m okay or need anything, we talked a little. I asked another friend about how they get out of ruts. And just a few minutes ago the big man himself asked what’s up. I. All I’m getting is a giant “I don’t know”. Because I don’t know and that’s the worst.

Im scared of getting fired. Yes I have breakdowns (which I think I’m on the spectrum but need to get diagnosed??) and I’m late by a few minutes almost every shift but that’s it. I do my job, half the time up and beyond bc I’m active, I hate being idle. I’m.. alive?? At work? Idk if that’s bc there’s people, I like my coworkers and it’s the only time o actually get any human interaction, physically, and then I go home and I just. Sit. Maybe play games and do replies but. That’s it.

I’m mainly posting here to try and gather whatever thoughts I can. Not looking for any replies or whatever. I just. I feel incredibly guilty for not showing up and I’m scared I’ll get a talking to (which is, yknow, extremely fair) but overall. I don’t want to get fired. I don’t think I will but if I continue down the path I’m taking, it’s going to be very. Bad. Not just a potential loss of job but. Other things will surely escalate too and if I can’t handle things as is now, then I sure as heck can’t later on.

This might make me spiral even more. I can’t do confrontations well at all either, esp if people expect an answer or the like. Makes me want to crawl away and hide forever

[renewingagain]

thursday 9 may 2024 // 10:48pm

im really sad today

benjamin and i had a talk about what we are and we both ended up really upset by it. in short-

ben wasn't expecting the conversation to go how it did. he wanted a positive outcome and the idea that we were going somewhere

i basically said i'm not sure. and it is because of the anxieties i face in every day life.

right now, i have been looking for jobs in london, to move down there and start a new life. lately i haven't found anything good

gentle reminder while i write this - perhaps i need to start looking outside of the civil service

anyway. because i dont know whats happening with my future right now, whether i move to london or back home to birmingham, i just don't think committing to him is a good idea

how would it work if we go long distance? would i be able to see him?

if i moved (jobless) would i even be able to afford to see him?

if i move in whether home or massi's, how would i be able to see him regularly? i wouldn't be able to have him over lol. yes, i could occasionally stay with him. but i can't do that all the time, i need to treat (whoever's) house with respect

is it wise to move to a new city in a fresh relationship? i have never been keen on long distance

in some ways i am still exploring sexuality and what it means - do i want to be tied down to someone?

all these thoughts are just wracking my brain. i do think the main thing above it all though is the fact that there is an incredible uncertainty about how my future looks with anyone i date in conjunction with family

it just sucks that this is the reality for me and other LGBT kids. ben, thank god for it, has a generally normal and accepting family and has never had to deal with any family-related unaccepting drama of him being gay. and how i envy him for that massively. i wish i had that but i don't

i had to bring this up to him yesterday when we had our chat to explain how i feel. he cried because his feelings were hurt. i cried because i push this deep down but i had to bring it to the surface for his sake. i woke up to him crying in the middle of the night which broke my heart. he is generally so happy and goofy, i care about him so much and i hate that i have upset him

it is a tricky situation, we have never really had a proper chat about where we are going. we went exclusive and didn't date other people but that was about it. i guess we both should have had the foresight to bring this up earlier as it probably could have saved some hurt. but here we are!

i said this to his face but i just want him to be happy again. i feel like i've shot a puppy. its all so weird because really we only properly started dating since the end of feb, but it has been about 2 and a half months of us actually intentionally seeing each other regularly. it doesn't seem like a long time in hindsight but it has felt like a while, we have seen each other a lot! and have chatted quite a lot

have i led him on? maybe? was i aware i was doing it? not really. yes, i know he likes me a lot. i like him a lot. i actually love spending time with him. but i just didn't really know what was gonna happen when either he or i move away. he had the intention of making it work whereas i don't think i did. i wish i could have that intention, but my anxiety about life and everything else i mentioned above gets in the way of it. i was just enjoying it for what it is

i need to not be too hard on myself. in many ways i am obviously blessed. like i say before, even though the world has no hope right now, i have a roof over my head. i have a job. i earn an ok amount which at the moment allows me to live somewhat comfortably, even though i can't save money on it right now. however, i am evidently dealing with a lot of scared thoughts, anxiety, still about being LGBT and how my family and people around me would react. i have come so far in it already but i feel like moving home or to massi's or wherever is taking a step back in to the closet a bit. i won't have the freedom i truly need to live authentically as sadly, not all of my family would agree and be happy with it. i don't have it like ben does and others and it sucks greatly. i wish i could bring a guy home easily, as is the norm??

it sucks furthermore that whoever i date, they would be dragged in to this horrible mess. i don't ever want to impose this on someone else. however, it weaves it's way in into even the situationships. because, i still don't understand myself too. i still want these freedom's and to sleep around because i never felt like i could before. now that im owning my sexuality and dating around, would i want to do that even more in a new city? i wish i had a better upbringing where my parents spoke to me properly about these kinds of things. i know neither of them are perfect and we don't all have perfect lives. i don't resent them and i love them tremendously. but this is an area where they have failed and they don't even know it. but i don't even blame them for it. they are a different generation and they have had different upbringings to the way they raised me. and i know they love me. it really isn't their fault that this is sadly the way it is. it is just the world we live in, full of disagreement, miseducation, religious aspects etc. but i most definitely don't resent them. i just wish that in my formative years, it was better. soooo much of what i have learn't about myself, my sexuality, i've truly just had to do it alone. it just is the way it is!

re ben- i don't know what to do. ideally: i could keep seeing him and just enjoy him for who he is. but am i warped? most people don't do that as the norm. people enter relationships or they don't. it is categorically unfair to expect him to go along with it casually and just enjoy it for what it is too. his feelings are too deep i think.

i need to know where his head is at when we reconvene

do we just end it then? do we just keep it going until he or i move? i don't even know if i could do that either. i would miss him when he goes. so its like what is the point of us still seeing each other. but i still want to. i just love his company and i just like hanging out with him. he's so silly. he's so sweet to me. sooooo sweet. he's very innocently beautiful

i wish i met him at another time in my life, not this point where i don't know what the fooook is going on

i feel like i accept too many things as being ok when they are not. my head just feels so warped, dull, and non-functioning right now. i feel like i can't think and that my brain just doesn't understand itself. i feel like a CPU trying to run several processes at once and then nothing happens besides error messages popping up saying they can't compute the tasks. my brain struggles to compute things and i can't think properly sometimes

on top of this, i am just generally feeling a bit hopeless again about what my future holds. it is going to be hard. but i must remember, really, i do have a wealth of information at my fingertips right now. a bit of tough love, but i am currently using a powerful machine, the macbook pro m3 which i am privileged to have. i also have a phone. rather than bloody doom scrolling, i can start to learn and research and actually just try things and learn new things all through the power of the internet. i just have to put the work in to find some resources but all the information really is here and available to me. for almost anything really.

i can still make music too and enjoy this. i can still go on a run too and enjoy that. because i have the freedom to do so

i don't want to feel lonely. i will miss ben when he goes. i don't want to stop talking to him. but yk, if we did stop talking, life does go on and he won't be the only good person i meet in my life. relationships come and go. i hope he knows it too that he is so loved. i wish he wasn't insecure, he's sexy and an absolute catch

[audible--silence]

Heard abroad…

Whatever the question, the market is the answer

“Too many white people not enough markets”

“I mean i still didn’t understand any of it but i understood it was nice”

Pedophile and a dead aunt. You love to see it!

I exist to do the dumb thing and subsequently encourage everyone else to also do the dumb thing

“At least it isn’t Kevin”

“Home is the place where you keep ending up and you don’t really know why”

“Home is where you keep going back to your abuser”

Death is good business but without the repeat customers

As long as you have enough to buy linch on your first day, you have enough to figure it out

“Fucking cyrus man…” on cocktails and cacao ceremonies

It feels like im looking at the relic of a golden age that doesn’t know its past its best before date

Lots of people breeds competition in both capitalism and creativity. Capitalism also breeds racism.

Nobody gives one fuck about you here which is both amazing and kinda isolating

Its like if every city ive ever been to merged into one and did a bunch of drugs

I have fewer ideas but i have a lot of resolution so when i want one to work i just throw everything at it till it does

luck favors those who need it/rely on it in good faith

I was busy being sad and shit so I wasn’t in the mood for a heart attack

How lucky we are, to know that as long as we have charge on our phone or an internet connection, we’ll never go without

Going nowhere the long way

“Fuck you”

“What?”

“I was talking to the aircon”

Calories dont work on Mondays

Chicken is made by man, duck is made by god

Thats why i pay the rent

The only case there is is a quesadilla

It’s strangely captivating.

A city of nine million perfect strangers and nine million deranged fucking maniacs.

Everyone fits in. Because theres no such thing as “too different” out here.

Milk that mfer for every lil drop of lactation in it’s scary asymmetrical titty

Everybody be skipping to the calm down phase of life without ever experiencing the youthful fuckaround stage

The lifeline on my hand seems to doing fine.

The other two, I cant quite remember what they’re supposed to mean. Something about happiness or love.

They’re looking a little worse for wear lately.

“Look Ill extend him an olive branch but only so i can whack him over the head with it”

“After all, the universe continues to surprise, bewilder, and enchant, irrespective of our inquiries. As the tale concludes, may it inspire a subtle nod toward the dance of untamed contemplations—a dance best performed with an enigmatic grin.”

Thinking is for Jerry's (2023) - Professor Longwang

I feel glad to have an end date but miserable to end it

Scared of old reality but excited to confirm or deny it

Confused about my choices here and whether my feelings were made from genuine feelings

“How was the quality of your call?” Asks the messenger app.

To which I cannot reply.

Because to reply honestly would not do justice to the quality of the app, and instead be a comment on my experience of it.

The feeling in my gut when she said she met someone.

The thoughts back to all the times where I wanted to tell you i was yours.

All at once.

With a vengeance

Stabbing in the chest

What am i doing here

Accidentally drunk off a Manhattan i didnt want and a quarter pint of Guinness

In New York

In the rain

Trying desperately to find a job

In a field im hardly good at

It seems to me that it boils down.

When you look at the root of it all

What do you want

What do i want

How you utilize the two to make a life that brings you joy

Kill me, im french

Traveling is honestly comparable to hard drugs at this point: intense, euphoric, lands you in sketchy circumstances and often leads to living in very questionable scenarios. It also has a tendency to leave you broke as fuck and wondering where the last six months went

It do be a lil comedic,

A city of 12 million mother fuckers buzzing around packed in like a hive, and I’ve hardly made a friend.

[daisyletters]

Monday, 8/14/23, 1:46am

Dear Daisy,

I almost made it through this time, it's August already. It always comes back in the summer though. That hallow empty feeling. Creeps up before I even know its coming. Just when I'm thinking I can finally relax and am feeling okay I don't want to be here anymore.

I've never wanted to die, I feel like that's always the first concern when I've talked about this before. I just kind of want to stop existing? Like I wasn't there to begin with. Just for a while maybe, just to exist but not? So no ones worrying about me or upset about at me, like I was never there.

It always starts with me feeling empty and kind of pointless. I try not to think about why I'm even here or what the point is. Maybe I'm just lonely, again. Or stressed? Feeling unwanted as usual, which is one of those things that I can never quite figure out how to fix. Because you can't depend on other people to fix you. But also you can't feel wanted without other people? Can wanting yourself help? I'm always with myself, can't exactly want more time with me.

I'm trying to get over the edge, move past it like I eventually always do. Last week was really hard, didn't go so great but I dragged myself through it. And now this week has technically already began and I desperately want to give up. I'm not ready to push through again but I don't really have a choice.

I'm trying to look ahead, think of the future when I can get past a lot of the things that are making me feel stuck right now. A new job that I can actually live on, and only a job, no more school or a long list of things I should be doing but cant. Then I'll be able to actually move on to working on the other parts of life. I'm not in the same place as everyone else, and we never are. But I don't feel like I can handle more once school starts back up. No time for relationships or even the basic level of socializing with friends. I barely made it through last year and honestly my sleep schedule still hasn't recovered. The summer seems like a nice break in theory but with an income that's in the negatives without financial aid it's honestly miserable. No activities outside of the bare minimum, maybe one or two a month and even that I have to get creative with. Honestly not enough food for day to day either, my rice has bugs in it but I'm still eating it because I can't spare half a weeks food budget on more. The Internet said it's fine as long as you don't think about it too much so it's probably fine, tastes okay. I feel guilty buying a tea or a snack because I know I need that money elsewhere but sometimes you need something to feel normal.

Another year, just hang in there. I can make more money once I graduate. I need to find a new job honestly before I graduate so I don't drown from student loans. More money, no school, a new apartment out of this area and closer to literally anyone else. No one comes over here because it's the worst part of town. It's dangerous, dirty, and far, I know. I feel it everyday when I hold my breath walking down my street because the smell of urine is burning my nose. When I walk through the broken glass and have to stare down men who are harassing me. I don't want to be here, how can I expect anyone else to want to be?

But I can't make plans somewhere else with no money. I can't invite anyone anywhere. I just get scared that other people will be upset with me for just trying to survive. I always feel inadequate, like everyone's looking at me and saying I don't do enough. Everyone else is doing this and that, why can't you? Why can't you just do it? Why can't you be like everyone else? Why haven't you done those things? Why aren't you like everyone else? I feel like being me isn't enough for everyone else sometimes. Like I have to be more or Im not worth anything at all.

Does everyone else just know how much is enough? Do they have to think about it? Do they have to count every interaction and try to decide if its adequate? Do they finish their days going over their interactions and picking them apart? It has always felt like if I don't I'll pay for it. One way or another if I relax it'll come back to me and I'll be snapped back into place because I've messed up again.

People are hard, this is why I struggle with socializing so much. But doesn't everyone? Are we not all fighting for our lives out here so people don't think we're off?

Thanks for listening.

[twinstarlovers]

Saw this tik tok account of a girl who made it for her divine masculine so she talks to him through & yeah she posted this. I was crying LMFAO. Full moon in Capricorn tho. It’s always gonna be funny but also fucked up that I still cry about you in the middle of being in a rela 💀. I feel bad. The universe is messy af but yeah I miss you, I believe you are doing well which is good. I saw you in the dream world the other day but I forgot fr. I’m crying rn this full moon got me so emotional over you because I miss you but also triggers like I’m mad I’m not with you or don’t have what you have. I was talking to my friend about it & she was like I will have what you have eventually because you are my reflection & I was well… when you say it like that 🤔. I was trying so hard not to cry otp lol.

But hmmm what cha been up to lamo mamo?? 🧐🐥💖 oh frrrr??? Trueeeee. Well I got news, sorta got a job. Training starts tmr. So basically I’ve been looking for a job for like 3 years now but my picky & empath ass & my Pisces midheaven AND THE UNIVERSE TAKING BRICKS. Technically the full moon is tonight July 3rd but obviously it starts the day before & after so that’s crazy my training starts the day of but basically ima be a therapist sorta for a kid or kids with autism. I just need 2 week training which is quite shocking & the pay is good, hours are good kinda just perfect fr but a kid will be assigned to me & I would have to go to their house for like 3-4 hours & just play w them or help them to learn basic shit. The universe blessed w that 23-26 an hour 🙂. The only think I don’t like it’s in the evenings but then it’s perfect because I’m not a morning bird. Honestly I don’t need much of a social life if I got a job. I feel like I wouldn’t even wanna go out after working because it’s either a job & recharge or friends & recharge & none of my friends are soulmates & I got a bf so I really don’t care about friends. I’m so glad I have a more real excuse to say no to my friends when they wanna hang out LMFAO. Ugh saving is so hard cusss OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND 😭. I’ll literally find someone keep my money away from me also what makes me wanna spend more is me tryna not live in a scarcity mindset, that’s my excuse 😭.I don’t have a problem with working & then going home. I’m my best with a routine. So I’ll wakeup at like 11-12 & charge before & then I leave at like 3-4 depending & I would get out at like 8-9 & I’ll just got get food, go home, take a shower & my skincare & then finally eat & watching some shit & then knock out. Honestly this job won’t drain me as much too because it’s little hours & im doing something I like. I hope the universe brings me a good family & kid. I hope this kid is not emotionally unstable too much because I can’t keep myself together when someone else is crying & that’s unprofessional af. The company is in Rockville but I would be visiting my assigned kid(s) around where I live. I’m lowkey a little scared cus it’s a first job & it’s pretty heavy for a first job but then it’s a part of who I am already so I’d just be working with my intuition. Ugh ima have to learn to talk professionally/ just learn how to talk to people in general. My cancer rising gonna beat my ass at first yo 😭. I’ll end up fine. I feel like this job will be healing my inner child fr cus I’m helping another child with a disability, a reflection of me.

K let me stfu now. I still fucking miss you & I’ll probably be having my moments of me crying over you for the rest of the day, actually the next 2 days 💀. Anyways.. I love you & I miss you. I hope you doing okay. I wanna cry again LMFAOOO. Okay bye bye Lamo mamo 🧸💖🌕. Stay safe! 👋🏼🥹

[creaturebehavior]

i feel incredibly sad

like idek every time i have a day where i flip out it always takes me quite awhile to mentally recover like

i just feel so embarrassed and yucky about what happened like i don’t like that i’m still like this i thought i would have grown out of being that crazy by now idek it’s sad and yucky. i’m like this big toxic grownup toddler and i struggle so much to find balance that i keep on just bouncing back between doing it all and trying to be perfect and look perfect on the outside and then breaking down and getting all sick and terrible and i just want balance i want the mundane i want mediocrity im tired of perfectionism and im tired of all or nothing i’m tired of black and white

i wouldn’t have gotten burnt out if i were allowed to just do something part time. i wouldn’t have gotten burnt out if i would have listened to my real needs and tuned out AA a little more. i was so desperate to be stable and okay, and was so afraid to relapse.

all i really want is to live a really simple life. but even that is unattainable.

everyone says you’ll never be ready, just act. so i jumped in two feet first and bit off more than i could chew.

i wish i was allowed to have my limits. it’s my life’s mission to become aware of my real limits and my real boundaries. i have such a poor sense of my needs. i tune them all out because it’s all i’ve ever known how to do to get by. but it’s not sustainable and it barley works to tune out my needs. and i’m tired of everyone else. i’m so tired of everyone treating me like i’m not doing enough because i can’t keep up with them.

i wanna be a grownup, a real grownup who can regulate my emotions and who can hold a job and live by myself and take care of myself. what’s wrong with me? every day in my head i’m like why can’t i catch up. and i get so scared i stay stuck and i fall further and further behind. i can’t catch up i can’t keep up. i wanna be allowed to go at my own pace but my own pace is too slow it’s too slow i resent my own pace and i resent myself and i resent everyone else and how the world runs. i just can’t keep up and i also am in so much fear of getting professional help again. after everything it just feels too painful. i can’t handle the five month long waiting list. i can’t handle being referred to another therapist who i don’t connect with. i can’t handle opening up to more and more people telling them about my stupid life only for us to not connect and i have to keep looking. i don’t want to do it anymore man. recovery is exhausting im just burnt out i don’t wanna do it anymore.

i have no idea how i’m gonna get out of this hole.

[when-did-this-become-difficult]

I really don't know what to expect from it. Im certainly worried for Mikes little brother. For a police officer he really doesn't handle stress and his emotions well, so if im worried of someone dying is him. Obviously since JR seems to be the main character and now that this serious, unfortunate health scare happened, im afraid a little that this will be the last season or at least there is gonna be a big gap between season 2 and 3 - if there will be a 3.

Im always excited to see more of Sawyer but they always sidelining the only guy who is kind of up for this kind of job and handles it well - i would imagine he had seen and done worse in the army. Im excited if we will see any background or more development from him and im also curious about Milos character - he seems way more intelligent than the usual criminals - see the guy who shot Mitch. And im also curious about Mikes assistant and what is going to happen next episode because it seems like things gonna go really downhill with this pact between the criminal leaders and the law enforcement officers. Betraying them when they were ready to work for their sake is really a bad strategy because it proves the police is clearly untrustable and even worse morally than the criminals. Also please, dont give me more scenes with Mikes mother. Im really grinding my teeth anytime she is on screen. She feels so pathetic and out of place in this whole story. Someone who spent her whole life in this town, she clearly delusional about her situation and her view on criminals is understandable but it is utopic and nonsensical.

But what are you expecting in this season, im curious?!

PS: No one was ever this happy to see one of my messages in their box. :)) Thank you.

@minamartin I am so happy to get another message fr! My reply is so long I have to break it up into chunks, lol.

KYLE MCLUSKEY

this might be "cheating" but I have read an interview with the actor that plays Mike's little brother and what he says does line up with his performance so far. He says that the Kyle character is really struggling both with trauma and with shame because he feels that he didn't conduct himself during the prison revolt, so he's going down a darker path to cope.

I'm pretty sure they won't kill Kyle—quite frankly, I feel like the show as a whole has been pretty tame in terms of killing core characters, and the whole Mitch death was just a fakeout in terms of the show's willingness to kill; this is no Game of Thrones, they're just knocking off side characters. But how far dark Kyle goes is interesting, because he's just kind of A Guy, he's not as visibly cruel as everyone else and he kinda sorta had a mild shot at life simply because he has like 1.5 decent relationships (marriage + mild approval from his mom? lol) idk...

as long as it doesn't bore me, I think I'll be okay with Kyle going bad (or rather worse, lol) and I am not too worried about him dying. I do need him alive, though, because there's a desperate dearth of genuinely affectionate and loyal relationships in the show, so his relationship with his brother needs to keep going somehow.

RENNER + SHOW FUTURE

Agreed re: Renner. I really hope they tied up season 2 decently, because chances of season 3 within the next 3 years is not good. And there's so much uncertainty in the streaming world as it is, and quite frankly the show does not seem to have much critical acclaim or general popularity, so I think it's just riding right now based on the dealmaking power of Taylor Sheridan alone. But that can't last forever. And, as you say, Renner's health problems will probably be prohibitive in the near future, given the physical nature of his role.

SAWYER

I mean, Sawyer has his place in the narrative, but I don't really know if I need that much more depth from him? He's a big old guy with a SWAT team, a gun, and a God complex—he views his function in life as doing dangerous and dirty shit, and the reward for that is swaggering around like Mr Big Dick and getting to dictate who lives and who dies. I'm sure his body count is like, 60% people who were shooting back, 40% people who were unarmed but whatever fuck 'em cause he just decided so.

You can really see that in the scene where one cop gets shot, so he gets all mad and shoots a woman who's being used as a human shield, then just like lets her bleed out while she's crying and pleading for her life even though she literally didn't shoot at any of the cops and was just kind of there? Besides which, he's so calmly and happily down for torture (Afghanistan?) that if they go any deeper with him I'm afraid it'd gonna be like emotionally exhausting for me to deal with all the Darkness™.

But I'd be willing to watch an episode that engaged with him very seriously if I had more faith in Sheridan to be able to do it without just getting carried away with himself on the "omg big man shoot gun" tide. I just don't trust Sheridan enough, I think.

MILO

Milo's really interesting, because so far all the show has done is hint that he's some huge big bad guy, super duper powerful, etc, pulling all the strings—but I was into Sherlock BBC in my youth, you see, so I know now to be wary of that sort of thing, lol. You're totally right in saying that Milo's different from the usual type. So far, the show's not actually been able to present us with any criminal masterminds. Just stupid and desperate/arrogant people, like the guy who shot Mitch, or leaders of certain groups of the population outside the prison (Bunny and the now-dead Confederate guy), or guys with vision but a death wish (the prison revolt leader). There's really never been a character like Milo fully and properly played out on the MoK scene.

Frankly, I'm a little scared he'll turn out to be all hype but very little plot coherence (see: Sherlock BBC trauma lol) but I do think that we'll have some good hints as to how well the show can play him by looking at how well the show deals with all the breadcrumbs it dropped about him in season 1. If the show deals with the serial killer bus again, that's a good sign. If it deals with the three dead feds again, that's a good sign. If it doesn't? Well, then I expect it to be all flash no substance. But fingers crossed. Aidan Gillen deserves to have good material to work with.

THE DEALS + BUNNY

I'm also super curious about this pact that Mike makes with the criminals he threw back in jail, because I think he's insanely naïve and didn't think it through. I understand he's in a desperate situation, but I think he needs to think more carefully.

In the past, when he's been able to deal with conflict, it's always been because he has an okay reputation with everybody and can play the middleman; he's trusted to be honest. In this case, he's gone behind the backs of the criminals and particularly Bunny, which undermines his relationship with him. They'll never be able to see him again as a person who's relatively straightforward and trustworthy in his dealings, even if they (again, mostly Bunny) can understand why he chose to do it.

This is exactly the sort of thing that you were talking about in terms of the season 1 deal between cops and prisoners—"Betraying them when they were ready to work for their sake is really a bad strategy because it proves the police is clearly untrustable and even worse morally than the criminals" SO TRUE.

I think that was maybe always the case, but the way that the police and guards literally turned around and were *extra* heinous to the prisoners for basically asking for what they were promised? Yeah, that was the eye-opener. I mean seriously, some of their demands were super duper low level. Not even law breaking! One of their main demands was better food, which sure, I understand that costs a bit of money, but come the hell on. The response to THAT was to brutalize the prison leaders? No wonder they all said fuck it. You know?

MARIAM MCLUSKEY

Oh lord. Mike's mother is the PREMISE of a good character held in the hands of a man who simply cannot write women lmao. Give her to me. Give me Mike's mother. Give me Mariam. I CAN WRITE HER—he can't. The thing about Mariam that makes me crazy is that she is a purely reactive character, and inconsistently written. If they chose one Mariam mode to be in and stuck with it, she could be interesting and compelling, but they just choose whatever they think is most compelling in the moment, and that puts them at a disadvantage overall and makes her as you say very annoying. I think it's because the audience senses the disingenuous nature of the writers behind her character. They have two Mariams; they need to pick one. They also need to maker her more dimensional. Let me explain.

Mariam #1 is clueless. Nonsensical, as you say. She's the Mariam in season 2, episode 1, who was discomfited (understandably) but the guards, but who tried to exercise a little authority over them and was immediately shut down. This is the Mariam who had the absolutely brainshriveling audacity to try and preach to the assembled inmates about how they had choices, particularly in the context of the brutal massacres involved in the National Guard putting down the prison revolt. Now, this scene is a wonderful scene on its own, isolated, apart from Mariam, so I understand why the writers were so keen on having it; the point of the scene is that the prisoners clearly do not have a choice, that the prison is so militarized/brutal and the assistance offered to them is so little, that it's actually laughable and embarrassing to watch a teacher tell them that their future is in their hands, and if they just study, they can change their lives. Great scene! But stupid, stupid scene to be coming in the context of Mariam having grown up in this system, with a son who went to prison, a son who's a cop, a third son who took the place of her husband to be a sort of town fixer...it's just ludicrous. But the writers placed their urge for Drama and Messaging over their commitment to character. So it makes her look so stupid.

Mariam #2 is clear-eyed, disillusioned, and depressed. She is violently robbed by a young man, but then sees him brought to her by the cops having clearly suffered a beating, and she's able to see what frankly I think most of the characters on the show aren't able to see—that all of this does nothing. Does nothing for her. First of all, putting this kid in jail does not actually make her any safer, because the cause of robbery in her neighborhood isn't that the cops don't arrest enough people, it's poverty, lack of education, abuse, EVERYTHING that she's heard about from her pupils in the prisons. She knows perfectly well that throwing the kid in prison will not make anything better for her. She is very sure, however, that throwing the kid in prison will be bad for the kid. It is supposed to make her feel better, as it clearly makes her son and all her son's friends feel better, that she has the power to enact revenge on the kid. But she's too damn smart to buy into that, and she's not sadistic enough to enjoy it. You can tell in this scene that it's not an optimistic view that she has of the kid, either—she's not letting the kid go because she thinks the kid is a good person, deep down, or has a bright future. Quite the opposite! She believes that the kid will die in the violence that envelops Kingstown and all its residents. She just thinks it's pointless to add on a little bit of extra violence before then. This is also a great scene that adds to the themes of cyclical violence that MoK is trying to grapple with.

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE MARIAM #1 AND MARIAM #2 IN THE SAME PERSON LMAO. They're just not compatible characterizations! They're not!

Finally, I think the reason Mariam does come across as so "pathetic", as you say, is that Sheridan can't think of a single thing for her to do that is active. It is ALL reactive. How many scenes have we seen of her simply hearing that one of her sons is in trouble, and then looking worried about it? It's boring. It's boring as shit. Never once has she actively done anything herself to make her sons safer, except to repeatedly beg Kyle to get out of Kingstown. Fine, but that's boring if repeated over and over. It might be realistic to see a relationship stuck in a pattern, but let's be real, this is fiction, we did not come here to see stuff be in boring stasis.

Even more disturbing than Mariam's passivity in her relationships is her passivity in regards to her politics. She seems to be the only person in the show (other than Bunny, perhaps) who ever acknowledges the specific issues of racism and classism and the country's whole history that has brought Kingstown to this point, this point at which its entire society and economy runs on the miserable lives trapped in its prisons. And yet, so what? What does she do about it? Jack shit. All she does is talk.

She teaches her students a few of the facts of history, but does nothing to equip them for the future. Yes, the Native Americans were robbed and cheated. Does she ever talk about what tactics they tried to do to resist—about what lessons oppressed people of today might take from that history in their own struggle to survive? No, of course she doesn't. Not only is her teaching of history a very passive thing, she also fails to teach any other concrete skills or information that would be so needed by the inmates. Legal information. Literacy. Even math. Come ON, man. This wouldn't be such an issue if she wasn't, as I say, the only person on the show who's articulating the roots of the chaos in Kingstown. It would also be less of an issue if she wasn't meant to be super duper In the Know; you can have a well-intentioned but useless academiabrained character, or you can have a character who has decades of deep personal experience with the system on multiple fronts. But they can't! be! the same! character!

Ultimately, this is not Mariam's fault (she doesn't exist lmao she's fictional) it's Sheridan's fault. Because quite frankly, even though I think he plays lip service to knowing about the sins of the country etc, I don't think he really knows much about the work that people are doing to fight it—and he's not interested in it, either. He just wants some faux-deep, dour history lessons to lay in the background of this show about brutalization of everyone in the prison industrial complex, to give it a lil gravitas or whatever. Oh, spare me.

Lmao I think I did just get a little angry in writing that. But I had a lot of thoughts. I watched the whole season 1 in two days, it made my head go bzzzzzz 😂