#but just having someone else saying hey. that isn’t okay. and being able to realize oh. you’re right it’s not

[lesbianpegbar]

aughhh. augh

[starogeorgina]

All mine

Warnings: Swearing

Pairing: Spencer Reid x reader

1.02

You had expected Spencer to be in shock, stumble over his words, or be in denial when you told him you were expecting, but instead he focused on scribbling down a calendar on the back of a newspaper. Eventually, he looks up and asks, “Have you had a scan or blood work done yet?”

“Uh no, not yet.”

“Roughly how far along do you think you are? Sometimes the nurses and midwives calculate it from the date of conception or from your last period.”

You’re slightly taken aback by his question; you’d assumed Spencer would have worked it out in his head right away. You stare at him blankly while trying to figure out why he wasn’t freaking out.

“Spence,” he says, looking at you seemingly unaffected while awaiting your answer. It suddenly dawned on you that he might not have realized he’s the father. “This baby is yours.”

Spencer stares at you wide-eyed, in shock, before he finally snaps out of it and says, “Mine.” He freezes and sits with an unreadable expression on his face for a few moments until he’s able to talk again. “The baby is mine.”

You nod.

“We slept together nearly three months ago.”

“I know,” you say, feeling your hands begin to go calmly. He is watching you intensely, as if waiting for you to say something that will magically make the situation better. You feel the blood boil under your skin when you think about the unsub, who was unintentionally targeting the growling life inside you. In spite of the pregnancy being a total shock, you felt extremely protective already. Emotions start to swell inside you. “I’m scared,” you admit. “I’m scared of becoming a mother, of possibly losing a job I love, and of one of my closest friends, and I’m also terrified of what the unsub might do if they find out.”

“Have you told anyone else?”

“Derek knows. I don’t want to tell anyone else yet, not until I’ve had a scan and know everything is okay.”

“How many tests did you take?”

“Twelve.”

Spencer smiles at your comment, his hand finding yours. “Our situation isn’t ideal, but I promise to be there for you every step of the way, but you need to book in with your doctor first thing in the morning.”

“I will,” you nod in agreement. “Until then, we need to keep Morgan quiet and hide that anything is going on from anyone else at work.”

“That will be easy. Hotch, Emily, and Rossi aren’t the most observant people; I’m sure they won’t notice something’s up,” Spencer says, making you laugh.

Although you were terrified, having Spencer confirm he would stand by you made it a little less frightening.

—

You and Spencer both stare at the small screen with your mouths agape. The sonographer has just confirmed you are ten weeks pregnant with twins. Spencer had called someone who owed him a favor, and within the hour he had discharged himself from hospital care, and you were getting scanned. Throughout the scan, Spencer’s nerves showed as he listed off rare diseases that can be missed on the scan. He didn’t seem to settle until it was confirmed the babies were okay.

“Can we actually have another few copies of those?” Spencer asks.

The sonographer agrees, prints off a few more copies of your scan, and hands it to him. It felt surreal knowing you had two tiny humans growing inside; it also made you more determined to find the unsub soon as possible. You wipe the gel off your stomach and sit up while the sonographer leaves the room to fill in some paperwork, and notice the way Spencer is staring at the black and white picture in his hand.

You put your hand on his back, “hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “We need to tell Hotch, I know you didn’t want to but seeing this now makes it so real.”

“I know. So what’s our plan now?”

“Well since I convinced Morgan and Garcia to go home, I’m guessing one of the cops will give us a ride back to the safe house. We’ll need to swing by my place first though so I can get some clothes.”

“You’re staying with me?”

He places his hand on your stomach, “I’ve got three reasons to stay with you.”

—

You twist the ring on your middle finger while nervously standing in front of the rest of your team, trying to find the courage to tell them you’re pregnant. You run head-first into danger nearly every single day, but this was different. You had so much more to lose if the killer found you. That morning you told Hotch, who congratulated you, until you said who the father was, and then he thought it was some kind of trick until Spencer pulled his wallet out and revealed the baby scan picture. Hotch offered to cover for you if you didn’t want to tell anyone else, but given the circumstances and the fact you were only two weeks away from reaching the three-month mark, you decided to tell them.

You cleared your throat; it made you feel selfish for interrupting the investigation, especially when the unsub had already killed three women. You cleared your throat. “I have something to tell you all, so I’m going to just come right out and say it. I’m pregnant with twins.”

Emily is the first to congratulate you; she hugs you and says, “Quinn, I’m so happy for you. I didn’t even know you were dating anyone.”

“Uhh,” you pull back from her. “I’m not exactly…”

She raises her brows but says nothing; her gaze moves from you to Spencer, who places his hand on your shoulder. He smiles awkwardly at her, causing her mouth to fall open. Nobody else seemed to have caught on, but you noticed how stressed out Hotch looked. This whole situation was going to cause him a massive headache.

“And I’m the father,” Spencer blurts out.

The room falls silent until Gracia smacks Derek on the chest. “You knew, didn’t you?”

“Damn baby girl, you’ve got a mean hit, and I only found out last night. Although I didn’t know it was twins.” He shakes Spencer’s hand. “I’m made up for you, Reid.”

When everyone is finished awkwardly congratulating you and Spencer, Hotch explains how the team was to continue as normal while searching for the unsub; the only difference was that you weren’t to go out on the field. He heavily hinted at keeping what they just learned a secret because the moment Erin Strauss finds out, she’ll remove either you or Spencer, which he didn’t believe was in his team's best interest. At least not for now.

—

Hearing your cell phone ring, you pull it from your pocket and stare at it, confused, before muting the call.

“Do you need to get that?” Hotch asks before delivering the profile.

So far, the evidence has pointed in the direction of the unsub being a white male in his mid-thirties. He’s highly intelligent and possibly had a job within the FBI. He was fired either by his boss, who was female, or because of an incident involving a female colleague, which is why he was only targeting women.

“It’s just my landlord; I’ll call him back later.”

“It’s the fourth time he’s called,” Spencer says, “you should answer the next one.”

When it rings again Hotch nods for you to answer it. You excuse yourself from the room and listen to what your landlord has to say. Shit. It was nothing good.

You step back into the room and say, “I think the unsub broke into my home.”

[freedomfireflies]

Hey lovey,

How are you doing? First and foremost, I’m so happy to have stumbled upon your blog—I absolutely adore your writing. You have such a beautiful ability to convey a story even in such a few words.

I know I’ve already requested a little something before, but in the event you do find time, and interest in my request, would you write something else for Chris?

Your latest blurb with Harry and Chris reminded me of a fic I read a while back about reader being Chris’ younger girlfriend and him being quite jealous and uncomfortable of her closeness to Harry Styles, given his age.

If you are comfortable, I’d love to see your take on Chris and a younger reader, who’s in her twenties. I don’t really have a premise in mind, but I feel given his history with anxiety and desire to settle down he’d be second guessing his decision to be with someone younger and maybe even feel insecure.

Thanks, sweetheart. 🤍

You are so sweet, thank you so much for reading and requesting 😭💞

“Right, which is exactly what I told him…before I realized he wasn’t even listening.”

“Oh, he never is, no. Unless you’re talking about statistical reports or the number of shares involved, he won’t have a fucking clue what you’re talking about.”

“See, that would have been good advice before I wasted half an hour of my life trying to explain why Jack and Rose both being able to fit on the door was a moot point.”

Harry laughs as he crosses his arms and leans back against the wall. “Oh, well, now I’ve gotta hear this.”

Pleased to share, you clear you throat and sneak a glance at Chris. He’s heard this spiel a hundred times, and he smiles knowingly as he nods at you to continue. “Okay, well, obviously they both could have fit. Duh, that’s the first thing they try in the movie. But the second Jack climbs on top, it starts to sink, because it can’t support both their weight. Therefore, they both would have frozen to death, and Jack made the choice to die for her.”

Harry smirks, head shaking as he glances down at the floor. “Well…shit.”

“Exactly,” you agree. “I will die on this hill, it’s such a stupid argument. Because even if things had been different, Jack still would have chosen to die for her because that’s just who his character was. And, honestly? I think we can all agree that saving Leonardo Dicpario just…isn’t worth it anymore?”

He laughs again as Chris slips an arm around your hip and grins down at you.

“You…might have a point," Harry muses.

“Thank you,” you sigh, before you feel a familiar sort of tapping on your waist. You straighten up. “Anyway, thank you so much again for inviting us to your show. It was…so great to see you again, Har. Really. You’re doing so many amazing things. And I’m really proud of you.”

A lifetime of memories pass between you as Harry meets your eye and offers that understanding smile you’re so used to. 

“Anytime,” he says gently, throwing a grin to Chris as well. “Seriously, both of you are always welcome. Just let me know and I’ll make it happen.”

“We might just take you up on that,” you smirk before the tapping on your side increases. “Thank you again, and hey—good luck on your tour.”

“God, yeah, thanks,” he laughs as the rest of his team begins to fervently gesture him over. He winces. “I’m gonna need it.”

With that, he tosses you both a wave before the three of you part ways and disappear down different ends of the hall.

The drumming continues all the way down the corridor and even after you’ve rounded the corner.

It’s not until you find yourselves alone that you place your hand over Chris’s and give it a firm squeeze. “Okay, all right. What’s wrong?”

You slow to a stop, quickly turning to face him as you watch him sigh and look down at the floor. “Nothing. I’m fine, I’m just ready to go.”

But you know him. You know each nervous tic. You know he only taps your hip when he’s anxious. When he needs a reminder that you’re there.

“Chris…” you try again, fingers tangling in his shirt as you tug. “You promised.”

He looks at you, eyebrows weaving through the lace of guilt as he slips his hands around your wrists. “I know, but it’s nothing. Really—”

“Baby—”

“I…just…” He sighs yet again, one palm dragging down his beard. “Look, I know…I know he’s a part of your past. Okay, I know that. And I accept that, I just…I don’t know how to not…think about it.”

Your head tilts as you squeeze his shirt a bit harder between your hands. “Think about what?”

He goes quiet for a moment, eyes flicking between yours. “If you would have been…happier. With him.”

You lean back, almost as if struck by the very notion. “Why…baby, why would you say that?”

He runs his tongue over his bottom lip and shakes his head, seemingly embarrassed. “I know. I know, I just…you guys have a lot of shared history, you know? And I know he’s closer to your age, can maybe give you things that I can’t. So, seeing you guys together, it just…reminds me that I’m not…that I can’t be your past the way he can. That he’ll always be a part of what led you to me…and I just…I fucking hate that.”

With a wounded heart, your eyes soften. “And what is it you think he can give me that you can’t?”

“I don’t know. A husband that you don’t have to push around in a wheelchair,” he huffs, and there’s a hint of teasing, but you know he’s not kidding. “And he’s probably got a little more stamina than I do these days. Can go more places, do more things. Be who you need him to be. And being with him would probably open a lot of doors.”

“Okay, well, I can open my own doors, thank you,” you playfully retort, and you’re rewarded with a gentle smirk. “I’m gonna be honest, it sounds like you think about him a hell of a lot more than I do.”

He snorts and glances off down the hall. “Funny.”

“I mean it.” Your fingers tug once more on his nice dress shirt. “I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed to go on that first date with you. I knew people would talk about our age difference, and I knew there would be things we’d have to work out. I knew. And I still said yes.”

He looks back.

“You know why?” you whisper, now reaching up to press your palm to his cheek. “Because adult diapers or not…I love you. I always will. You’re Captain fucking America, for pete’s sake! And obviously it’s not about how you look. It’s about who you are…but you better believe Harry was eating his fucking heart out when he saw who he lost to.”

He laughs. In that familiar, boyishly charming way you’re so obsessed with. “Wow, thanks. No, that was good. That was good. I’m cured.”

Your response is to reach up and press your lips into his. Firm but loving. Filled with every promise you might never be able to verbally make.

But every promise you plan to keep.

For a moment, he stills, seemingly taken aback by the sudden rush of intimacy. But, after a moment, his hands find a home on your waist, as they always do, and he seems to unwind.

And once you’re sure he’s begun to release some of his anguish, you pull back to see him. Really see him.

“Baby…and I need you to really hear me when I say this…you are the best goddamn thing that’s ever happened to me," you whisper, overcome with emotion.

He smiles, exhaling a gentle laugh as if amused with your effort but you’re far from done.

Your grip becomes a little harder. “I’m serious, okay? Things with Harry…were fine. They were fine. And yeah, maybe he’s a small part of what brought me to you, but you…Chris, you? You…are fucking everything.”

The smile slowly slips off his face at the earnest fervor in your voice.

“Every day when I wake up and see you in bed—in our bed—it reminds me that you weren’t just the right decision. Okay, you are the only decision. You are the only thing that makes sense for me. The only person that I need to be with. Fuck the past. The only future I want looks like you. It is you. You are all of it.”

And you’ve never meant anything more, and you can only hope that he feels exactly how much he means to you.

His expression softens as he releases a deep breath and slips his palm around the back of your neck to keep you close.

“I know that doesn’t fix it,” you tell him gently. “I know that. You think I like running into Minka Kelly and remembering your past? Fuck no. But there is nothing—and I mean this—that Harry could have given me. Nothing. I don’t even—I mean, I can’t even imagine what a future with him would have looked like. I don’t want to imagine.”

Your touch moves to his chest once again, fingers tapping over his heart. 

“When I see him, I don’t think about anything else but you,” you continue. “Honestly. I mean look at you. Come on. Harry doesn’t stand a fucking chance next to you. Not with that receding hairline of his and the complete lack of communicational skills. Seriously, you were such an upgrade for me, it’s not even funny—”

He dips down and kisses you again. Harder this time. As if to say everything he doesn’t know how to say aloud.

“I love you,” he whispers, nose nudging against yours. “I really, really love you.”

“I know,” you whisper back, smiling rather giddily. “And I mean it, Christopher Robert Jamal Evans. You are the best goddamn thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He groans playfully at the use of his full name but kisses you again anyway.

And you let him. Because kissing him feels like coming home. It feels like finally finding your place in the world. 

It just feels…right.

“Take me home,” you murmur the moment his tongue swipes at your bottom lip. “Take me home and make me your future.”

And who is he to say no?

His arm quickly loops around your lower back to tug you into his chest before he leaves you with one final reminder of who he is to you.

And you don’t imagine you’ll ever forget.

“Promise,” he says, smirking victoriously as his hand travels to your ass to give it a quick squeeze.

And you laugh before leading him out of the arena, hand and hand, the anxious tapping now nowhere to be found. 

And you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

~ Other Chris Blurbs

~ Full Masterlist

[happypanda101]

How Sakura’s Love Interest Ruined Her Character Development

Alright. I promise this is the last Sakura related content I’ll do for a while. But after seeing several other people on here talk about about this subject, I thought it would be interesting to discuss. This isn’t gonna be a full on analysis, rather my thoughts as someone who loves Sakura and was disappointed to see how her character was handled in canon.

I think a lot of the fandom can be agree that Sakura’s biggest flaw was her love for Sasuke. Love is typically supposed to be a character’s strength, but unfortunately for our pink cherry blossom, it’s her weakness. And her downfall.

Now, I’ve already made it clear what my feelings on SasuSaku are. I like the pairing, they could have been better developed and aren’t nearly terrible as people claim they are. However, it would be ignorant of me to not acknowledge that canon Sasusaku is… kinda shitty.

Don’t get my wrong, they have their cute moments in blank period, like Sasuke asking Sakura to wear the clan crest, but things start going downhill when they get married and the plot of Burrito rolls around. Sakura is left to be a single mother while Sasuke is off god knows where for that stupid space alien/ “remains of Kaguya” whatever plot. Sasuke never writes to check up on his family, it’s implied that Sarada doesn’t remember him at all or what he looks like, and Sakura is left there trying to assure her poor daughter that Sasuke is doing this because he loves them. But when Sasuke comes back, he rarely acknowledges or wants to spend time with them at all. Not to mention, he seems to care more about Naruto’s kid than his own. Naruto suffers from this problem as well, but that’s a discussion for another time.

For the canon endgame, Kishimoto certainly doesn’t write any of his characters being happy in their relationships.

Anyway, Sakura and her character development. It may not have been grand as her teammates, but it was still there. Sakura went from a naive girl that was obsessed with boys and her looks to someone who acknowledged that she had to work harder if she wanted to help and protect those she cared for. She went from disliking and envying Naruto to someone who was willing to throw her ninja career away so her friend could follow his dream. She wanted to help Naruto to bring Sasuke back, but realized she wasn’t strong enough, so she went to Tsuande for help and become a damn good medical ninja as a result. She became more confident in herself and was always there to support her friends. She never needed an epic fight or a tramatic backstory, I would say her development was pretty great.

But then all of that gets thrown away whenever Sasuke comes into the picture. Sakura may be able to stand up for others, but never does she stand up for herself when it comes to Sasuke. When he belittles her in the War Arc for simply asking him what was going on, she gets all quiet and sad. Defeated. Worst part is that Naruto can’t even stand up for her properly.

The kunoichi who broke off Kaguya’s horn and aided in sealing her, therefore saving the world, is left a begging, whimpering mess for Sasuke to come back to her, to come back to team 7. And what does she get in return? A genjustu of him killing her.

And just when you think oh this has to finally get her to realize that she can do so much better than him, or at least get her to step back and reevaluate her feelings, let her spend time away from him, it’s just forgotten about! Forget traumatizing and hurting her, it’s okay because Sasuke apologized and now she wants to go with him. Don’t get me wrong, I do think that was a genuine apology, but the fact that she was just expected to forgive him at the snap of a finger was infuriating. And down right sad.

It doesn’t help that nobody else comments on it, or tells Sakura “hey, what he did was pretty shitty, you didn’t deserve that.” Or stand up for her at all. Kakashi kinda did, but it was so weak.

In Naruto, a woman’s role is to support the men, because what else are they good for? And if they ever move on from a guy they like, they’re a “terrible person,” in Kishimoto’s words. Whatever improved or developed Sakura’s character, it reverted backwards or was simply forgotten for Sasuke. Because Sakura loves him, she can never disagree or argue or fight with him, because that would make her a bad person.

Sakura had the potential to become one of the greatest heroines in anime, but that was all thrown away becasue of her misogynistic creator and his idiotic editors. She deserved better, every female character in Naruto deserved better, and burrito should have never happened because it’s an abomination to the Naruto franchise.

[ladykailitha]

The Subtleties of Steve Harrington Part 3

These next parts a little on the rougher side emotionally. But his friends aren’t trying to be malicious they just don’t have all the facts.

Part 1 Part 2

*

The morning before

“Come on, Nancy,” Robin said. “It’ll be fun!”

“It’s a gay bar, Robin,” Nancy protested. “Only you and Eddie will feel comfortable there.”

Jonathan scoffed. “I’ve been to a gay bar before. You might have to fob off a couple of advances but just tell them you’re in a relationship and they tend to leave you alone.”

Nancy frowned. “When did you go to a gay bar?”

“Out in a California,” Jonathan admitted. “And it was by accident. But yeah. It’s lots of fun.”

“I guess it’ll be okay,” Nancy sighed. “At least I’ll have Jon and Steve to keep me company in being straight in a gay bar.”

Jonathan who had been taking a drink, spit it out.

Nancy came running over patting his back. “Are you all right?”

After he had finished coughing he gave Nancy a hug and kissed her temple. “Love, Steve isn’t straight.”

Nancy pushed him away. “Yes, he is.”

“No. He’s. Not,” Robin said and then turned to Jonathan. “I didn’t realize he had come out to you, though.”

Jonathan just chuckled. “I never said he did. But it’s really obvious has a thing for both.”

Nancy frowned. “But I’ve only ever seen him date girls.”

“And when would he have been able to date guys?” Robin asked. “It’s scary enough being a lesbian, but believe me when I say that right now, being a gay man is a death sentence either from within or from without.”

Jonathan nodded. “He’s got a crush on Eddie, love.”

Nancy’s frown deepened, now faced with proof she went digging through he memories. Starting with the Upside Down bullshit.

“Oh.”

Robin cocked his head and grinned. “Yeah. Oh.” She gave Nancy a hug. “If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t see until I was told either.”

Jonathan’s eyebrows shot up. “How?”

Robin blushed. “Let’s just that Steve’s gaydar is way better than mine. Mine is practically broken.”

Jonathan just shook his head.

*

One Week After

“I’m telling you, dumb ass,” Erica growled at Lucas, “there is no way that Steve is dating Eddie.”

Lucas threw his arms in the air. “What would it take for you to see it?”

El tilted her head to the side. “You can like boys and girls?”

Erica rolled her eyes. “Well, duh. Of course that’s a thing.”

“Hey!” Max growled. “She didn’t know.”

Erica mumbled her apology. “It’s just Steve. The man is the slut.”

Max rolled her eyes. “And that precludes him from liking guys, how?”

Erica sighed. “It doesn’t. Honest! But Eddie? Eddie is one and done kind of guy. I just can’t see them together.”

El tilted her head. “Not true.”

Erica raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

El smiled sweetly. “Steve may like sex, but he is clearly is a romantic. If he found someone who loved as deeply and as strongly as he does, he would be a one and done, too.”

Erica grumbled. “Yeah, I guess.”

Max rolled her eyes again. “Look, Steve has never been straight the entire time I’ve known him and the fact that he and Eddie are together is super cute.”

Lucas raised his eyebrows. “Thank you for the assist, but holy hell, how did you see it and I didn’t? I had to told.”

Max looked down at her hands. “Billy.”

Lucas sat down hard. “Oh fuck.”

Max lifted her head and waved her hands. “He wouldn’t, he didn’t. But I could tell Steve would have been down to fuck. Like once: to get it out of his system or whatever.”

“But, it’s Billy...” Lucas said, anguished.  

“You can hate someone and still find them attractive, love,” Joyce said from the doorway.

Lucas looked up. “Hey, Mrs Byers.”

Joyce smiled softly at him.

“This doesn’t get out this room, you hear me?” Max said. “Steve doesn’t know I know about Billy. It would kill him if it got out. He hates the fact he was attracted to Billy.”

“And I don’t doubt,” Joyce said gently, “that after getting his had bashed in by the guy that whatever feelings he had went up in smoke. Because he would pick you kids over literally anyone else.”

El looked up at her and smiled. “Except Eddie.”

Joyce softened even further. “No, baby girl. I think even then. If Eddie asked Steve to chose between you kids and him, Steve would pick you kids every time.”

“But Eddie would never ask,” Max said firmly.

Joyce smiled. “No. He never would.”

*

One Month Later

Jim Hopper was used to having his world rocked. Ever since Sara died, he had taken hit after hit. He should be used to it by now.

But no, it seemed the universe had one more surprise left for him.

They had been having barbecues at Steve’s house all summer and Hopper wanted one at his new place (oh so wonderfully supplied by the US government).

So on a lovely July evening he invited everyone over. Even the Munsons. Not that Hop had a problem with Wayne Munson, not exactly. Wayne was a good man and really tried his best to raise a troubled kid all on his own. And now that he had El, he could sympathize a lot more.

No, Hop thought with a heavy sigh. It was Eddie Munson that was problem. He was all too familiar with Refer Rick and his favorite dealer.

And it was because said dealer was dealing the night Chrissy Cunningham died that he got roped into all this shit.

Of course, Joyce had wheedled him to inviting them. Because the kids loved him. Eddie Munson was the Pied Piper as far as Jim Hopper was concerned. Sweet and charming. Laughing and playing with the kids. Letting them be kids. Immediately treating El and Will like they had always been a part of the group. He did take a little bit longer to warm up to Jonathan. Though admittedly that had been a two-way street on that one.

Steve, Dustin, hell, even the kid himself had all told Hop that he didn’t deal anymore. He had been scared literally straight.

But the inner cop in Hop had trouble believing it.

But he had promised Joyce and El that he would play nice and limit the growling to things he was actually doing wrong and not just growling in general.

This though? This was the last straw. He had finally been proved right about the kid when he caught Eddie cornering Steve behind the tree.

Hop grabbed Eddie by the scruff and hauled him off of Steve.

“Hey!” Eddie and Steve protested.

Joyce and Dustin came running, both hoping to defuse this before anyone else came over.

“Jim!” she hissed. “Put Eddie down.”

Hop looked at everyone’s faces and started to wonder if he misread the situation.

“Yes, Hop,” Steve through gritted teeth. “Please unhand my boyfriend.”

Hop glared at him. “Boyfriend?”

Joyce sighed. “I think you forgot to tell Jim something, love.”

Steve and Eddie blinked as Dustin threw his arms in the air.

“You, doofus,” he said, fondly and then turned to Hop. “Steve and Eddie have been dating for a month.”

Hop’s jaw dropped. “Steve’s gay?”

“Bisexual,” Steve explained. “I don’t know how people keep having that reaction, honestly.”

Dustin grinned. “Heterosexual goggles.”

Eddie laughed and ruffled Steve’s hair. “This should have been the first clue our Stevie liked the boys.”

Steve yelped and darted away as everyone but Hop laughed.

“You could do so much better than Eddie Munson,” he said, looking up in frustration. “Why?”

Steve shook his head. “No, I couldn’t.”

Eddie blushed. “Babe, you’re just saying that.”

Steve pulled him close. “No, I’m not. Everybody keeps looking at each of us with such blinders on. Seeing what they only want to see. For me, it’s a rich, straight, Christian white boy with a silver spoon in his mouth and the world at his feet. Instead of what I really am, a bisexual disaster with a minimum wage job who only knows how to protect kids from monsters.

“And then there’s you, sunshine. People see you as a criminal, Satan-worshiping cult leader, instead of the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met. I’m happy you’re mine.”

Eddie blushed. And Hop, he flushed red too. But his was from shame. Because Steve was right. He had seen both boys that way. Let his prejudices cloud his judgment.

Those two boys had done more for this town than pretty much the entire population had it’s entire history. They deserved his respect if nothing else.

“I’m sorry I misjudged the situation and both you boys,” he grumbled. “But next time, go somewhere more secluded to make out. Please. For my sanity if nothing else.”

Eddie and Steve shared a guilty glance.

“Yes, sir,” Eddie mumbled.

“Yes, Hop,” Steve murmured.

Joyce beamed at them. “Now that we have that settled, let’s go get something to eat.”

Hop watched Eddie and Steve walked off holding hands, Eddie dancing in front of Steve.

“Sap!” Eddie called playfully.

Steve yanked on Eddie’s hand, causing the two boys to stumbled together into each others’ arms. “You love it.”

Eddie’s face got soft. “I do. I love you so much, Stevie.”

They kissed so softly it made Hop’s heart ache. It was a truly fucked up world where these two boys had hide themselves from the world to be happy.

Because, fuck. Yeah. These boys were perfect for each other.

Part 4

Tag List: @awkwardgravity1 @maya-custodios-dionach @spectrum-spectre @wonderland-girl143-blog @estrellami-1 @evix-syne666

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

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162 sentences!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

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Over the past few days, he’s gotten text update after text update. SIngle sentence missives about the state of the man he loves. He cannot visit him. He cannot be there for him. He cannot hold him. He cannot yell at him for his foolishness. 

All Eddie can do is wait. 

Wait and fucking hope. 

He’s had extensive conversations with Christopher in the midst of this limbo. Angry conversations. Sad conversations. Anxious conversations. Conversations about guilt and repression and grief; things he’d never have thought in a million years he’d be willing to discuss with his teenage son. But by the end of it, Christopher isn’t upset with him anymore. Somehow. Somehow, Christopher says he understands. Wants to move forward. 

“I don’t like being mad,” he says. “And I don’t like you being mad at yourself.”

Eddie thinks he’s spent most of his life mad at himself. It’s strange now, to have his son tell him to stop. Like now he has to really do it, in order to not disappoint him. 

So he will try. 

But if Buck doesn’t make it out of this okay, he thinks he will fail. 

Eventually, he gets the phone call from the man himself, on Sophia’s phone. 

“Hey, Eddie,” Buck’s voice rasps through the speakers when Eddie answers, expecting his sister. 

“Buck,” Eddie nearly squeaks. His voice instantly cracking with emotion, like he’s a teen again. “You’re awake.”

“Happy Valentine’s Day?” Buck offers weakly. 

Eddie doesn’t find it funny. 

“How… How are you feeling?” He asks. He can’t sort out the intermingling tendrils of anger and worry and love. 

“Like ass,” Buck admits. “But I’m alive… And I’m not…”

“Yeah.”

He knew that already. But it’s still a relief to hear, nonetheless. 

“Apparently you sort of vaccinated me,” Buck whispers. 

“I did what?” Eddie asks. 

“They think I fought off the infection because of repeated exposure.”

Eddie sits with that for a second. Realizes what it means. 

“Oh my god,” he mutters. 

“So, uh, thank you? Seriously.” 

“Wow. I… Wow.” Eddie exhales. “So you’re just… Okay?”

“I mean, still pretty banged up.” 

“There is that.”

“But yeah, I’m okay. They’re discharging me tomorrow. Just want me to stay another night for monitoring and tests.”

Eddie swallows. One more night. He can handle one more night. He handled months upon months, after all. And even before then, they weren’t together all the time. This separation anxiety should not be so consuming. 

“Okay,” Eddie says. “I’ll see you then. And I’m here to call.” 

“Yeah,” Buck mumbles. Eddie can hear the nerves in his voice. “I love you, Eddie.” 

He says it like he’s worried Eddie might not say it back. Like doing what he did might have erased Eddie’s love. And yet, he was willing to do it. Shit.

“I love you, too, Buck.” Eddie says, trying to erase anything else from his voice. “Get some rest, okay?”

February 15th, 2025

Maddie drives Buck home the next morning, after the doctors determine he’s stable enough to leave. 

“Someone may be in contact,” they say. “Your case could go a long way in progressing research.”

“Fun,” Buck mumbles in response. He loves the idea of being a lab rat, really. 

It’s quiet between him and Maddie in the car. He gets it. He gets why they’re all mad at him. Bobby stopped by to express his anger, too. And also his worry. He thinks they’ll all forgive him, just maybe not as easily as Sophia. Sophia, who would have done the same thing in Buck’s position. That’s the main reason she can’t stay angry. 

Maddie, though? Maddie might be able to stay very angry.

“Look, Mads,” he says once they’re on the road. “I’m really sorry.”

“Somehow, I doubt that,” she says. 

“What?” Buck frowns. 

“You’re really sorry you failed and almost died,” she says.

“Well, yeah?”

“Not that you did it.”

Buck swallows. Okay, so maybe she’s got him there. 

“I had to try,” he says. 

“Did you?” She asks.

“Yes! Wouldn’t you do the same for Chim?”

“If he was in immediate danger, sure? But it looks like the only immediate danger that night was the danger you caused.” Maddie scolds. “After saying you spent months and months having to be so careful.” 

“Eddie is in danger!” Buck argues. “The world puts him in danger!”

“The answer to that is not getting yourself killed, Evan! The answer to that is working to make change where you can!” 

Buck looks away from her. He feels heated with anger and shame. Something deep down in him sees the sense in what she’s saying, but he doesn’t feel it. He feels that he did what he had to. He tried. 

But he failed. So none of it really matters anyway. 

Everyone’s anger might have been easier to swallow if he’d succeeded and Eddie was safe. 

Buck takes a deep breath.

“I am sorry I scared you.” He tries. “And got blood all over your car.”

Maddie sighs. He sees the crack in her anger. 

“Evan, I know this has been hard on you. Hard in a way I don’t understand because I’ve been fortunate enough not to experience it.”

He looks at his feet. 

“But when I see you get reckless with your life again, the way you used to, it scares me,” she says. “It makes me worry for you, beyond just the physical harm.”

That… That’s a fair statement. 

“You’re probably not wrong,” he says quietly. “I’ve been… I’ve been anxious. Like, uh… Like something bad is always waiting around the corner and I’m going to lose him again.”

Maddie nods. “You did lose him. For a long time. I get why it doesn’t feel safe now.”

Buck’s throat feels tight. 

“You have to deal with it properly,” Maddie says. “I think you know that.”

And maybe he hadn’t, before. But he thinks he does now.

“Yeah,” Buck whispers. “Okay.”

He doesn’t know exactly how to do that. But he supposes he owes it to everyone he nearly died on the other night to at least try. 

[whereianonymouslypostfics]

Hey! I love your work :) Could I please request something along the lines of 'insecurities' for the Silver Springs head cannons? Thanks either way <3

Thank you!!! I love this idea and mostly focused on earlier relationship stuff, but I definitely could see writing a 2nd or 3rd part too.

Insecurities pt. 1 (they have a lot 😢)

Warnings: angst, references to violence

(Wanda)

When Wanda met you, it didn’t take her long to realize how nice you were. You always said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and you refused to badmouth anyone unless they were truly terrible. Even then it was like pulling teeth. She’d seen how you never hesitated to offer someone help, and whenever the task was done, you’d never asked for anything in return.

Wanda loved this about you. She loved how you were so thoughtful and she wasn’t used to being around people like you. Given what she did for a living, the people who she interacted with weren’t nice as much as they were compliant or respectful due to their sense of obligation or fear. You weren’t like that. You offer something different that she really appreciates, and she wishes she could be the same way.

Before you really knew about what she did for a living, she’d always been afraid of scaring you away. Of course, the illegal aspect was a concern, but she was mostly worried about you seeing her differently. She isn’t the same person with you as she is with her employees or anyone else that she works with. She’d learned early on that she had to be tough to keep people’s loyalty, and sometimes even mean when people failed to meet her expectations. She didn’t make a habit of it, but she couldn’t say that she’d never hurt people to make a point, and she just knew that you wouldn’t be okay with this.

Needless to say, most of Wanda’s insecurities revolve around her job, but this was the earliest one. If you found out who she really was, and how she treated people when you weren’t around, she feared she would lose all of your respect.

For this reason, when you finally learned about her job, you both had agreed that the less you know, the better. You’d rather not have to fear that Wanda would be hurt all the time, and Wanda wants you to remain blissfully unaware of how cruel she could be.

Later in your relationship when you were kept busy in school, Wanda realized that you were often lonely. She wasn’t able to spend time with you very often because most of her work took place at night, and when she’d go a week or more without seeing you she always feared that you’d grow impatient.

You’d told her that you understand that her hours are horrible, but she knew that you wished to spend time with her either way. After a long day of classes and an afternoon of studying, you just wanted to curl up on the couch with her and watch a movie, or just relax. You got to do this maybe once a week, maybe once in two weeks. It wasn’t always the easiest, and sometimes you grew frustrated and you didn’t hide it well.

Especially on tough days, Wanda would hear in your voice how tired and disappointed you were, and it always made her feel guilty.

You deserved better than being lonely while you wait around for her to show up.

In those first few months, and even later in your relationship when things got really busy, she worried that you’d finally call it quits and find someone who could spend more time with you.

(Y/n)

You’ve never really felt like you were good enough to be with Wanda. Even before Vision came into the picture, the idea that this successful, beautiful, and secretly bashful woman wanted to be with you seemed comical. You weren’t exactly a slouch, but compared to her you feared you’d never measure up.

It took you at least a month to believe that Wanda really was interested in you for you, and not any other reason. You hadn’t really dated anyone before her, so everything was new and you honestly never thought you’d start at such a disadvantage.

Wanda seemed to always know what to say to make you smile. She could make you laugh like no one else could, and you felt comfortable with her. This was something that you weren’t sure you’d ever find as an introvert. Someone that you wanted to be around more than you wanted to be alone, and it was a little overwhelming.

You tried to follow her examples and put in the effort to make her happy, but sometimes you let yourself become intimidated. You liked Wanda a lot, but how long could you really humor the idea of being with her given your very different career trajectories?

Sometimes you overthought it to the point that you considered breaking up with her. You didn’t want to put her at risk or hold her back. When you first learned of how dangerous it could be for the two of you to be together, you’d considered calling it quits.

You didn’t want to because at that point you’d truly fallen head-over-heels in love with her, but was that really enough?

You’d taken a leap of faith and decided that the two of you could figure it out together. The two of you were good together and she loved you. She’d told you she did.

You were feeling good about your relationship for a while.

Then you met Vision. **

The very first time you’d visited the compound you ran into Vision and he made you feel insignificant within the first 30 seconds of talking to him. You’d begun to doubt your worth again to anyone, especially Wanda and you left feeling defeated.

You hadn’t wanted to bring it up with Wanda because you’d already discussed these feelings you had and she thought they were resolved. You’d hate to bring them back up and upset her, but the decision is taken away from you in the end.

Beyond feeling like you’re not good enough for Wanda, the more you learn about her job the more incapable you feel of taking care of her.

You know she’s tough and doesn’t need your help, but you wish you could offer it sometimes. Especially when she comes home a little worse for wear after a deal goes particularly poorly. The first time Wanda’s shot, you panic and ask Nat to teach you how to use a gun.

You want to be more prepared for whatever may come for both your and Wanda’s sake. You don’t want to be a liability if you can help it.

**I have a drabble planned for this unfortunate interaction

Headcanons masterlist

[creep1ngdeath]

Hiii can I request a Steve Harrington x male reader where the reader is the new kid at school and is kinda a rebel but in a fun way, (personality wise the reader is fun-loving, witty and a bit of a rebel), and Steve sorta crushes on him because he thinks he’s the first exciting to happen at Hawkins High. The reader actually starts crushing him back hard and becomes best friends w/ Robin. Maybe they get together at the end, this could take place around season 3

Hawkin’s New Boy - Steve Harrington x Male!Reader

Thank you for your request! Honestly I wish I could have ended this a bit better, hope you enjoy it though! (Also it isn’t proof read so I apologize for any mistakes)

Ciswomen/fem aligned DNI, this isn’t for you!

Word count: 2.8k

You walked down the hall trying to look for your next class. Luckily the hallway was almost completely empty due to the fact that you had gotten completely lost in the new school, but at the same time it would make randomly walking into your physics class really awkward.

After another minute of roaming the silent halls you finally found your class. You took a deep breath before entering the classroom. ‘This was the last class of the day, just one more time do I have to introduce myself’ you kept repeating in your head as you entered the room. As expected, the room fell silent and all eyes were on you. The teacher greeted you with a smile. “We have a new student joining us today,” she said. You took that as your que to introduce yourself. You stated your name and where you moved from, hoping that unlike last period, this teacher wouldn’t make you stand up in front of the class answering random questions that other students had for the next five minutes.

The teacher grabbed a packet of paper from her desk and handed it to you. “You can go sit next to Robin Buckley,” she said. You scanned the classroom for an open seat but unfortunately you found more than one seat so you weren’t quite sure where to sit. “Oh!” the teacher gasped, realizing her mistake. “Robin, can you please raise your hand?” she asked.

You saw a girl with decently short hair raise her hand. You walked over to the open desk that was just to the left of her and took a seat. “Great! Now we can continue,” the teacher said. She took a quick glance at her lesson plans before continuing with the rest of class.

You grabbed your new papers and shoved it all into your backpack as the bell rang. “Hey,” you heard someone say. You didn’t look up, assuming someone was trying to get someone else’s attention. However you were proven wrong when you heard your name being called. You looked up to see Robin staring down at you. “That’s your name right? You’re giving me a weird look,” She questioned. “Yeah, that’s my name. Why?” you asked, you couldn’t think of a reason for her to try to talk to you. “I was told that you’re going to be my new lab partner for the rest of the school year. I just wanted you to know so you were confused for our lab next week,” she said. You gave her a small smile, appreciating her kindness, “Oh okay, thanks for letting me know,” you replied as you grabbed your backpack from off of the floor and swung it over your shoulder. Robin nodded before exiting the classroom, the two of you parted ways.

The next day of school went a lot more smoothly. Even though you were still pretty lost in your class material, you were able to at least find your classes on time for the most part. However then came lunch where you felt completely lost again. You scanned the room for Robin, the only person who actually talked to you yesterday, however after being shoved and being told to move a few times by some other kids since you were standing in the middle of the cafeteria, you just decided to sit down at a random table.

The table seemed empty enough so you hoped that no one would really care that you were sitting there. Even if they did care, it was their problem, not yours. You reached into your bag and grabbed your Walkman and a random mixtape and put your headphones over your ears.

“I said, what the hell are you doing here!?” someone shouted from behind you. You took off your headphones quickly to see a jock towering over you. “What?” you questioned. “This is my seat,” he said in a stern voice. You only laughed, “and what is your name?” you asked. “Billy Hargrove.” You scanned up and down the lunch table to see more white jocks sitting at the table looking a little pissed off. “Yeah… I don’t really see your name anywhere on this table sweetheart,” you said in a lighthearted tone. You snickered as you saw Billy’s face turn bright red in either embarrassment or anger. However you took that as a sign to collect your stuff quickly and run away.

“This is not over, you hear me you little shit?!” Billy yelled, chasing you down the hallway. Even though you didn’t know the hallways very well you just figured that as long as you kept taking random turns you’d be fine. “I can’t believe this school let a queer in.” you heard Billy grumble behind you. “What if I am actually gay, what are you gonna do about it?” you asked. Starting rumors about you being gay in a small town in Indiana definitely wasn’t the best idea, however Billy’s disgusted look on his face made it pretty worth it. You laughed as you continued to run, however you were losing speed as you were getting tired and Billy was catching up to you. Now slightly panicked, you tried to run faster but your lungs and legs were betraying you. Soon enough you were pretty sure you could walk at a faster speed then you were running. Billy quickly ran towards you, finally catching up. He grabbed both your shoulders and slammed you into the lockers. “Are we going to make out?” you teased. Billy gave you a glare that seemed to have a murderous look to it.

“Hargove!” Both you and Billy freeze to see your gym teacher standing down the hall. “What the hell son, let him go.” The teacher said sternly. After scowling, Billy took his hands off of your shoulders and stepped away from you. “Detention for both of you!” the teacher yelled. “Sir- he was trying to harm me, I was just trying to not get hurt,” you said innocently like you hadn’t just provoked Billy on purpose. The PE teacher took a moment to think. “You’ll be excused. But this is the last time I’m ever going to see you running down these halls. If you’re being threatened you need to go get an adult,” the teacher said sternly. He still looked disappointed. “Mr. Hargrove, follow me.” the PE teacher said, turning around and walking off, expecting the teenager to follow him. Billy gave one last glance at you and you happily flipped him off before walking in the opposite direction to the lunch room.

As you entered the big cafeteria your eyes immediately landed on Robin. You were quite relieved that you didn’t have to go and deal with someone else being pissed because you were sitting at their table. Robin instantly made room for you once she saw you walking over to her. “Guys, this is my new friend. He just moved here,” Robin introduced you to her other band friends. You greeted them with a smile and then talked with them for the rest of lunch. You guys all got along well which was a relief.

“Robin, who the hell was the guy who Hargrove was chasing yesterday?” Steve asked. His co-worker gave him your name. “Oh he’s also in my physics class,” she replied. Robin was cleaning ice cream scoopers while Steve was unflipping chairs that were stacked on top of the tables from closing last night. Scoops hadn’t opened quite yet. It was still decently early in the morning and the manager said that they shouldn’t open until 11 when people actually want ice cream. “He’s an interesting guy,” Steve huffed out. “Yeah I guess you could say that. I mean how many people do you know that would tease Billy Hargrove?” Robin asked. Steve couldn’t think of anyone else besides you. He watched you as you stood up for yourself, even though it was for something really simple, he found it fascinating how you kept teasing Billy.

It’s been a few hours since the parlor opened but Steve just couldn’t get you off of his mind. The way that you just didn’t care made you so interesting. He lived with his parent’s high expectations all his life, and then when he became the King of Hawkins High it felt like everyone was constantly watching him. However even when everyone else was watching you, it was like you could still be yourself. It didn’t seem to matter to you what people thought, you just did what you wanted to do. Steve admired that.

“Is this bell just decoration?” someone asked. Steve jumped at the voice. He completely forgot he was still at work. “I’m sorry sir what-” Steve’s face reddened when he saw it was you at the counter. He felt embarrassed like you had known that he’s been thinking of you all day. “Can I get you…” he finally continued. You chuckled, “Whatever you recommend,” you told him.

After that day you had gotten closer with Robin and would come to Scoops more often. When the teen’s manager wasn’t there watching them (which was almost never anyways) you’d sit behind the counter and talk to Robin while she worked. When Robin was on break the two of you would go explore the mall. The place was huge and was always packed, but you could understand why.

Robin called your name to grab your attention. “I’m going home now, Steve is gonna be staying here for the rest of the night. I have a huge test to study for” she explained as she was putting on her bike helmet. “Sounds good Rob, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” you told her as she walked out of Scoops.

“Well looks like it’s just me and you pretty boy,” you told Steve. You chuckled when you saw his face flush a bright pink color. Steve just stayed silent which made you worried that you had just made him uncomfortable. It’s not that Steve was uncomfortable, however it didn’t help his growing crush on you. As much as Steve would like to say that you were actually flirting with him, he just figured it was something you just did to make anyone embarrassed as you called Billy Hargrove several pet names anytime you saw him. He remembered the first time he ever saw you, it was in the cafeteria when you were running away from Billy. He couldn’t believe that several months have passed since then.

“Did I make you uncomfortable, Steve?” You asked genuinely due to his silence. “No, no it’s not that.” Steve replied. He wasn’t looking at you. Instead he was cleaning off counters to keep himself busy. “Do you… want to talk about it?” You asked Steve. Steve shook her head “No I’m good,” he simply replied,

The two of you could both feel the awkward tension. “Y’know, we’re closing soon and I gotta clean up. You should get going…” Steve said quietly but you were still able to hear it. “Yeah…” you replied in the same hushed voice. You looked at Steve but his back was still turned to face you. His body looked all tense, you couldn’t tell if he was annoyed, upset, or uncomfortable. But you figure it was one of those. “I’ll see you at school…” you said slowly while standing up from your seat. “Yeah. Sounds good.” Steve simply replied in one breath. He moved so his back was still facing you as you got up and left.

Steve couldn’t risk you seeing his bright red face. He felt terrible for making it extremely awkward. He didn’t know if you were genuinely flirting with him, if you were then he wanted to return those feelings. However he still recognized that you call Billy strange names like “love, babe, or even baby girl” if you’re really looking for a fight. Taking the safe route Steve decided to not flirt back with you in any way even though he wished he could. It was most likely just your personality he kept telling himself.

Steve let out a long sigh after you left. He liked you. He knew that. He liked you as much as he liked Nancy. Maybe even more. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell you. He was tense everytime you were next to him. Your looks, your voice, the way you carry yourself, it was just so different from the way everyone else was. You stood out to him, it made you interesting, it made him fall for you.

“Robin, is it just me or is Steve being weird?” You asked your best friend. The two of you were hanging out at her house over the weekend. You were laying down on her big mattress and she was lying sitting right next to you. “What do you mean? Isn’t he always a dingus?” Robin asked. She definitely could see that sometime was going on. “Well I don’t know, he acts weird. He’s kind of ignoring me. We don’t hang out that much anymore and he always tries to end the conversation when we talk. Maybe I did something wrong?” You said, thinking of all the moments in school when you tried to talk to him he’d just turn you away. Maybe it was because he didn’t want to associate with you at school? But then it wouldn’t make sense for him to ignore you when you, Robin, and him hang out after school.

After a moment of silence Robin gasped. “He might like you!” She said with much enthusiasm. You sprung up from your position, now sitting on the bed. Your eyes were wide, “What!” You exclaimed. “Well he stopped talking about girls. We used to talk about them all the time but now he’s kind of silent,” Robin exclaimed. “Maybe he just moved on? There’s no way it’s because he likes me.” You said. If you were being completely honest you liked Steve, it was a little unfortunate because he had to be one of the straightest men in all of Hawkin’s High besides Billy Hargrove.

“No he probably likes you.” Robin said. “He gets all flustered around you. Just ask him what’s wrong. If he makes a bullshit excuse he definitely likes you,” Robin explained. You disagreed, not wanting to ruin your friendship with Steve.

Robin paused the movie and declared that she was going to the bathroom, you knew what she was doing. It was obvious given the smirk she gave you after she left. Steve however looked like he was about to explode, anxiety ran through his veins.

“Steve is everything alright? You’ve been pretty quiet recently… Did I do anything wrong?” You asked him. Steve’s heart dropped. He didn’t mean to go as far as completely ignoring you, he just didn’t want you to figure out his feelings for you. “Y-yeah I’m fine.” He stuttered.

“No seriously Steve. You’ve been acting really weird recently. It kind of hurts Steve. The way you always turn me down whenever I try to talk to you…” you told him. You weren’t looking at him, instead you were looking down at your hands, fidgeting around.

Steve’s heart broke when he looked at you. You looked upset and hurt. And it pained him even more knowing that it was his fault. “I’m sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong.. it was me just being weird. I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way…” Steve replied, he started to play with his hair to soothe himself. “Yeah but why…” you said, looking for the terrible answer Robin said he’d give you.

The room was silent. “It’s because I like you… a lot… I’m sorry. It’s just that I didn’t want you to find out because I value our friendship and I feel like I’m going to ruin it,” he admitted. He honestly didn’t know what excuse he could make. And seeing the hurt expression on your face made him feel so guilty for purposely pushing you away.

“Steve?” You asked. He turned to you instantly, “yeah?” He replied nervously. “I like you too,” you told him. Steve was about to speak but the two of you jumped when you heard Robin clapping. She was leaning on the door frame. “Yes! I got my two best friends together!” She celebrated. The two of you rolled your eyes.

Steve moved his hand to gently cup your face before he pulled you into a soft kiss. Steve looked at you with loving eyes after the two of you pulled away. Robin joined the couch, sitting on the right side of you so you could sit next to Steve. She gave you a grin before reaching for the remote to continue the movie. Steve put his arm around you and you kissed his cheek before resting your head on his shoulder, enjoying the rest of the movie with him.

[venus-is-thinking]

Fanmade DRDT Playlist Explanations

Hey everybody! About a week ago, @accirax and I made this post about a character playlist we made for DRDT. It was in a randomized order in case people wanted to take guesses and figure out whose song was whose. We’re going to be giving out the answers now, but if you want to take a shot at placing any of them, feel free to take a look before looking at our answers! They’re written out beneath the cut.

In addition to just saying which songs were intended for which characters, Accirax and I decided to write out explanations for each of the songs in the same way that we did for the official DRDT playlist. So, for anyone who saw that a while ago, it’ll be a fun little throwback. Any explanations will be preceded by an A or a V depending on which one of us wrote it.

Also, spoiler warnings for DRDT through Chapter 2 part 1. Sections with specific content warnings will be flagged, but in general, content warning for murder and death.

Okay, onto the songs!

Homunculus by Trickle: Levi Fontana

A: Homunculus is a song about trying over and over again to create a better version of yourself to escape the parts that you hate. Personally, I think that it relates to Levi and his character themes pretty well. Levi is always looking to the people around him to figure out how to act and what the “right” thing to do is. When he messes up, like with getting fooled by Arei or threatening Ace, he’s filled with regrets, and turns to others to help him right his wrongs.

Presumably, it’s due to his estranged family that made him act this way. He may have been able to get away from them, but will he ever be able to get away from himself?

Realized in my last life That I hate the light So I keep running And running I’m trying to hide

Levi’s struggles to converse with others and to trust himself are the results of his own low self esteem. In his secret quote, he talks about “his heartlessness,” and while many people speculate that he is a “killer without remorse,” his worries about not being a good person are sort of remorse about not feeling remorse over doing bad things, if that makes any sense.

I'm broken, torn, and tattered I'll never be full again

Many of Homunculus’ lyrics feature the singer berating themself for various reasons. They worry about not being up to par with what people expect of them, not fulfilling their own expectations of themself, and being a shell of who they should be, among other things. These premises may be similar to how Levi feels as someone who wants to be a reformed hero, but fears their villainous origins are too powerful to ignore.

Also, if the popular theory that Levi is involved in the Chapter 2 murder (whether as the sole blackened or as an accomplice to someone else) holds true, the singer’s resolution to do better “in their next life” could hold additional meaning to Levi. 

So maybe in my next life I'll finally find Find a way to wash away all the shame To erase and wash away all the shame

Either he’s about to die, so the next life is the only chance he has, or he’s managed to screw this life up so badly by being involved in a murder that his morality might be unsalvageable. Even though he would continue living for at least one chapter in that secondary case, the quest to continue reforming himself might seem too insurmountable.

Hate It! Hate It! Huge Ego! by KurageP: Arei Nageishi

V: Here we are with Arei! This song cold opens on some lyrics that fit Arei pretty obviously: 

That small girl, I just hate her! She always acts like a nice person.

This refers to Eden. Arei picks on Eden, but it’s because Eden is a very good person in Arei’s eyes. She doesn’t believe that’s something that can exist, and she takes out her frustration that she isn’t allowed to be nice on Eden.

Arrgh! I want to be loved! I want to be loved!

Similarly to how we gave Shunran to Arei “they say that praying to be loved is a sin. It has such a sweet scent” Nageishi, I generally associate feelings of wanting to be loved with Arei. Additionally, the frustration and anger present in this demand to be loved makes me think of Arei; she wants to be loved, but doesn’t know how to get it, and that frustrates her.

Just like that kid did to me,  I just crush the garbage underfoot, right?

This line is probably the best for Arei in the song, given that it directly ties into how she developed her worldview. Arei was once nice (like Eden), but her sisters bullied and abused her until she no longer could be. She learned to stand up for herself by mimicking her behavior and pushing them and others down. She “crushes the garbage” of other people under her foot, just like how her sisters did to her.

I hate humanity! All they do is flock together. I try to pay attention to others’ feelings, But I just get completely ignored!

Arei wants to be a caring person, but she doesn’t let herself be anymore. She used to “pay attention to others’ feelings,” like Eden does, but her attempts at solving the situation peacefully were always ignored. Because of that, she learns to hate humanity.

I’m the most special of them. I need people to understand me!

Arei builds herself up as a queen bee type and praises herself about being the best (bowler and in general), but she also wants people to understand why she’s cruel the way that she is. Deep down, she wants to be nice, even if she believes it to be impossible. That understanding is something she searched for in David.

I didn’t do anything. But, but, but, but, but… Aah, I want to be forgiven, I want to be forgiven. I’m so lonely.

This song adds in a moment of sincerity, showing the remorse that the singer carries and how they feel alone. Again, I think this reflects how Arei thinks at times rather than how she acts. However, it quickly returns to the same, full-power chorus as before, showing that Arei won’t allow that loneliness to actually change her base persona or get her down; she wants to be loved, but she’s still the same strong, confident Arei at the same time.

I don’t even recognize my own face!

Shoutout to J/Arei swap theory on this line if that ends up being true!

A: While I overall agree with the interpretation of the opening paragraph(?) best fitting Eden, while reading through Venus’ analysis, I came up with an alternate interpretation.

That small girl, I just hate her! She always acts like a nice person. Is she just gonna act like I don’t notice? Those! Eyes that look down on me!

These could be Arei’s opinions about herself in the past. Arei hates her past self for being small and weak, and thus leaving herself vulnerable to her sisters’ abuse. Why didn’t she see how pathetic she was being? And why would she even have the thought that her past self might hate the person she’s become…?

That popular girl, I just hate her! She only likes fashion,  Abruptly talking like it’s her business. So shallow. Shallow, shallow, shallow.

And these are Arei’s opinions about herself in the present. Because, come on, you can’t watch that Chapter 2 breakdown scene and think that Arei is actually as confident in herself as she pretends to be. Arei may now be a typical queen bee who enjoys fashion and girly things, but that doesn’t actually make her any stronger or cooler. She cuts into conversations to inject her own hateful comments, shallowly feeding into her own worldview. I don’t know if Arei in the story would actually recognize that she has any of these feelings, but I think they could be there to be noticed had she lived longer.

Also, Milgram fans, rejoice in the bullet you dodged that we didn’t wind up giving Arei Reversible Campaign. Even though we didn’t like giving her literally the Mikoto cover of it, we almost did before we remembered that Huge Ego existed. Like, seriously, what would have been up with that? Arei should’ve been Mu, if she had to pick a Milgram character…

Please Play-Bite by Pinocchio P: Nico Hakobyan

A: Remember that scene in Chapter 1 when Nico spent an hour just reciting tongue twisters to MonoTV? In my opinion, that was the best written scene in all of DRDT. Ah, memories. (/j)

Anyways, if you get past the most obvious premise of the song, “Pinocchio P flexes his tuning and songwriting skills by making Miku recite a bunch of tongue twisters” (which does not apply to Nico at all), the rest of the song makes a lot of sense.

My head is full of anxiety God, I’m begging you to [finish] me I bit my tongue again (Oh no)

Due to their anxiety (and perhaps other neurodivergence), Nico struggles to communicate with others on their/society at large’s terms. They hate talking to people because people always react negatively to what they have to say, even if they’re trying to be nice.

In the song, I think that “I bit my tongue” is more literal– the singer messes up saying the tongue twister, and with their tongue in a nonstandard position, they accidentally chomp it. In a metaphorical sense, this could signify how Nico can’t keep up with a “normal” conversation, and keeps having things come out wrong if they just speak off the cuff. However, there’s also the more traditional interpretation of “biting your tongue,” which is refraining yourself from saying something that you want to say for the good of the situation. There have probably been a lot of times in their life that Nico has wanted to say something, but has stopped themself from doing so because they don’t want to cause trouble.

The song has a lot of references to not understanding what people are doing or saying.

Isn’t it difficult to live a normal life, ouch ouch ouch

The sensation that enthuses the young and the old I’m not quite understanding it, oh what do I do

Kind words sound distorted to me

I don’t really know what the section about loving someone at the end would mean, though. You could extrapolate it to be about Rose, and how she used to like Nico before losing some faith in them now. However, any change of heart Rose may have had wasn’t because Nico was bad at communicating– she doesn’t care about that– it’s because Nico went behind her back to steal her turpentine and nearly kill Ace with it. So, who knows.

Also, shout out to this lyric for clearly being about Ace.

My neighbor eats [persimmons], he’s from Planet Complaint

I’m going to start saying that Ace is from Planet Complaint now. Thanks, Nico.

Last Score by Sekikomi Gohan: Eden Tobisa

V: This is a very positive and loving song, which is fitting for Eden. After all, she’s someone who cares a lot about her friends and family, and she tries to spread cheer and positivity to those around her. 

A face full of tears doesn’t fit your profile really that well

I let go of both my worries and anxieties, happy day! Yeah!

This voice of mine will be with you No matter where you go

There are also a lot of references to time, which, obviously, fit in with her role as the Ultimate Clockmaker.

I’m stricken by my valuation of time The traffic light stays red, unchanging

Experiencing the past, the future and the now that I’m grasping

Hundreds, thousands of years, or even an eternity, in this endless life of mine

However, it’s the combination of those two things that make a narrative that I think fit Eden. Her secret quote– “You can never go back, no matter how hard you try”-- implies a sense of desperation to return to the past, something that ties into the themes of her Ultimate talent. When paired with her secret, “Ever since you kissed her, you were afraid your sexuality would ruin your friendships,” it becomes clearer that there’s someone in the past who she loves.

If you combine the two, you can come to the conclusion that Eden longs for the past, partly or entirely because of the person she kissed. This song is one of longing for a past relationship.

The love/sorrow that we amassed Is proof of my existence with you Even my dreams, my wishes, and my painful memories as well Everything, everything, everything, I was with you

This interpretation works with a general longing, which I’d argue is present in Eden’s character no matter what. Accirax and I, though, along with some others, believe in Eden Chapter 2 culprit theory, with the belief that her motive is to reunite with the people she’s left behind, notably the girl she kissed. 

If that is the case, there are also song lyrics that would allude to her taking direct action to get back to the life she left behind.

The reason why I can run without feeling down Is because I’ve known love

I’m overturning the notion that our parting is inevitable

Either way, though, I think that this song fits Eden as someone with a lot of love and desire for others’ happiness that guides her actions.

Change by Monkey Majik: Hu Jing

CW: Suicide for this section!!

V: Okay, so this one is a lot more speculative. Like, obviously we know some things about Hu, but a lot of what I’ll be talking about is about where I believe her character is headed/what I think we can determine about her. For what it’s worth, I’ll be assuming that the hopeless child secret– “Dying once wasn’t enough, so you attempted suicide three times”-- is Hu’s. (This analysis by @1moreff-creator focuses on Min, but it’s a lot of why I believe Hu’s secret to be this.)

So, that being said, I’ll be speculating a lot about Hu’s mental state, so… my bad if I get anything wrong.

You had your wishes but you threw them away It made you happy yeah for more than one day But now you're lost and cannot figure a way To get out of this lie that comforts you

This is, in my opinion, about Hu’s transition from being the “hopeless child” to where she is today, in the killing game. Something must have changed to aid her mental state (could easily be something she “threw away”), which fits with making her “happy” (not actively suicidal, at least from what we’ve seen). However, now she’s here in the present, and she’s not sure what to do. What should she do to move forward, especially in this context?

You'll never change if you keep running away

I’m not sure exactly what Hu feels she’s running away from, but I feel alright saying that she is, given her secret quote: “I want to pay for what I’ve done. But even then, I still want to live.” Hu wants to be someone different and make up for something (or, if this occurs in the future of the series, to be someone different from the person who takes whatever action this describes), but she doesn’t know how.

Brothers on the top pressing all the melodies

Takatantan!!! Sweet sound of the shamisen Tsugaru style if you know where they're coming from

I don’t know much about music, and while I assume these lines wouldn’t successfully relate to zither playing specifically, it’s still true that the more traditional sound of the song and the references to music make me think of Hu’s talent.

Wouldn't it be nice if the whole world got along?

This relates to Hu’s desire to have everyone get along and be on their best behavior. She wants everyone in the killing game to work together peacefully, but that’s difficult to pull off, given the stronger personalities in the group.

I need a change 'Cause it's all gone wrong for me Somebody else to lead me now (I want) somebody else to lead me now

This can definitely also relate to Hu’s dynamic with David; she saw him as a co-leader, someone else who could help her keep the more unruly personalities under control. However, with his heel turn, it’s plausible to say that Hu would be looking for “somebody else to lead her”-- someone else to support her views and to make her less alone in the struggle to keep people under control. 

The rest of the lyrics I’d have to interpret based entirely on my own predictions, but I’ll give a quick shot at it:

Sing them your song You'd be surprised how many people wanna hear what you're saying

I suspect Hu will, after dealing with the fallout of David, seek to try to enact that same stability onto the group. Some people, I think, will be receptive, and Hu will realize that what she has to say has meaning.

Maybe! Who knows! I still think this song fits Hu’s vibes.

A: Wait a minute… what’s that?

Apples are red, but taste The same as green, wooo!!

Is that a hint about Color Theory? Are red and green the same person? Is Monkey Majik trying to tell us that Hu is confirmed for the green color, but also the red color? Does that mean that Hu is the mastermind? Is this–

CW: Suicide over!

Get Chemical by Polite Fiction and Audiodile: Charles Cuevas

V: Okay guys, I promise, this song makes sense beyond “get chemical.” I know it’s a weed song. But not for Charles. If you ignore the weed part it’s a Charles song. Trust.

A: It’s not about weed. Ignore the weed. Pretend it’s not there. It’s Charles time.

V: Okay, but in all seriousness, this song fits him really well. The song moves him through his character arc chronologically, so that’s how I’ll be looking at the song’s lyrics. The song starts off with Charles’ more no-nonsense worldview.

There's a time and a place For wasting space And if you're not coming home Then it's a slap in the face

It's nothing worth doing If you just can't do it alone

Charles starts out not wanting to “waste time” or bother with any of the other students. He thinks the only things worth doing are by himself, so that’s what he does.

But I don't wanna wait for days

Charles then gets tired/bored of being by himself (as he warns Teruko will happen to her at the start of Chapter 2). He starts getting impatient, and thus ends up spending time with some of the other students.

And I'm tired of the games we play While you sit and judge me there from on your throne

Charles gets frustrated, though, because he feels that no one takes him seriously. Notably, Whit and Teruko make fun of him a lot. He feels judged by the others. However, once he tells Whit this in the bonus Chapter 1 free time, he starts to make progress; Whit understands him, and thus stops judging him so harshly.

Put the train wreck on display Marvel and wonder how it sways Wear that disapproving stare right through the phone

Then, the murder happens. Xander purposefully triggers Charles’ hemophobia to put him out of commission, and Charles then has to be visibly out of it for the entire Trial. Though Whit tries to preserve his privacy, he eventually has to reveal why Charles is acting up. Thus, Charles, the “train wreck,” is on display for everyone to “marvel” at.

Is it a trending feat or a single case Is it dignity if it gets misplaced Am I justified in adopting casual tones

Charles, after the first Trial, formally becomes friends with Whit, as well as generally leaning towards being friendlier with the group. Thus, while “adopting casual tones,” AKA being friendly, might be a “single case” (just Whit) or a trending feat (befriending everyone). Previously, not befriending people and acting above them was part of how Charles displayed his dignity, but after the first Trial (in his eyes) stripped him of that dignity, he has to reposition himself.

Well pinkies up, 'cause it's in good taste And if you can't throw down then you know your place There's a hundred different ways that this could go

After the first Trial, Charles has to confront the fact that he isn’t reliable. Thus, these lyrics to me best fit him giving Teruko the secret motive he received (Eden’s). He “knows his place,” realizing that he could easily be incapacitated again, so he does what he can. He plans for contingencies.

And I am still quite functional when I am prone

This line switch up fits the second Trial well. Charles can’t investigate fully or contribute in the way he’d like, given that he can’t actually enter the Playground or look at Arei’s body, but he can still be a major benefit to the students in the Trial. He can find evidence elsewhere and be a logical ally for Teruko. He even got to cut in to help her in the last moment before the hiatus. 

Obviously, I can’t really apply the lyrics chronologically beyond this point, but I can still point out the things that make sense.

Hitting bottom's so much better when you're stoned

I can’t deny the weed allegations on this one, but if you just replace stoned with gay with friends it makes sense. “Hitting bottom’s so much better when you’re surrounded by a support system.” That kind of thing.

Most of the rest of it is just the chorus, which is pretty easy to see the connection. I mean… the Ultimate Chemist definitely gets chemical. Not in the weed way. And the “upright to vertigo” is sort of reminiscent of Charles’ reaction to his phobia.

Anyways, this is the end of my essay. Get Chemical is a Charles song I promise!!!

Tokyo Teddy Bear by Neru: Arturo Giles

CW: Suicide for this section!!

V: Okay, I’m going to preface this one by saying Arturo was a hard slot for Accirax and I to fill on the playlist. We don’t have any songs that really boil down to “you’re ugly,” so that element of Arturo’s character is out. That means that our best bet was anything that vaguely related to philosophies of fashion/aesthetic, as well as trying to interpret Arturo’s trauma/mental state. That second part is hard, because while we do know his secret– “Your younger sister killed herself because of you. You never should have left.”-- we don’t really know the details or how he reacts to it, other than “badly.” So, take everything here with a grain of salt.

The connection to aesthetics isn’t super strong, but it’s definitely there to be seen. 

I crush the heels of my unfashionable shoes

I’ll find some tougher scissors And cut out my face

With the theming of a teddy bear, there’s even references to cutting/replacing physical features of a living being, which ties into Arturo being the Ultimate Plastic Surgeon. Additionally, this often pairs with parts being “replaced.”

I’ll make a ridiculously sized pattern for it Anything will do, as long as it serves as a replacement

Please fill in the gaps in my seams

This, again, can relate to plastic surgery. It’s inherently something where you take a physical feature and alter it in order to get a “better” result, which means that you’re replacing the previous feature with a new one. It’s a bit of an angsty description of plastic surgery for Arturo, but it makes enough sense.

However, the lyrics pertaining to family and home are what sell this song for me. While we don’t know a lot about Arturo’s situation, we do know that he “never should have left,” meaning he did leave to some extent. He also clearly feels guilty for his sister Felicity’s death. 

I personally theorize that they likely had harsh parents, so while Arturo was able to use his promising career and older age to escape, Felicity had to endure the toxic environment on her own, which eventually led to her death. Thus, it would be understandable that Arturo would want to leave, but would still feel awful about the end result. Either way, though, I think the lyrics can definitely connect.

Mom, Dad, I’m sorry for everything

Brother, Sister, I’ll see you later

Goodbye, everyone; teacher, take care

Arturo is sorry for the situation, but he still leaves. It seems like there’s a specific point in Arturo’s life that would change pretty drastically when “leaving,” so it makes sense if it’s something treated with a lot of drama and severity.

Then there’s this part of the song:

There’s nothing left, nothing left anymore: it’s all torn off Even my cells seem to disappear into this sea of lint That’s right, I’m gone, gone, thrown away I don’t even have a home to go back to

This would read to me as a reaction to Felicity’s death. There’s nothing left of the home he cares about, meaning he’s officially on his own. It’s also a lot of emotional turmoil he’s struggling with, obviously.

I want to complete it, I want to cheat, give me the answer I can’t change? Do I want to be kept like a pet? Is it all gone? This isn’t me! The seams have split and torn apart

This part reads to me as some sort of big reaction to something in-story. It could just be the secret reveal; he wanted to “cheat” by threatening Eden into silence and claiming not to have a sister, but he learns that he can’t “change,” or otherwise escape from his past. How the ending of this song will be interpretable is going to change heavily with where he goes after this reveal, whether it be being the Trial 2 killer (and likely explaining his logic more in the post trial) or continuing to move forward into at least one more daily life.

That’s pretty much all of the analysis for the song, but I’m going to just quickly talk about some aside theories for Arturo!

CW: Body dysmorphia for this section!!

Anyways, while looking at the lyrics of this song, I started wondering how Arturo’s views on beauty and being the Ultimate Plastic Surgeon might’ve tied into his past/Felicity. Arturo clearly developed very strong views on what was beautiful/ugly somewhere along the way, and it wouldn’t be at all surprising if Felicity held some of these views as well.

I think it’s possible Arturo may have attempted plastic surgery on Felicity if she had some sort of body dysmorphia. A lot of people with body dysmorphia try to use plastic surgery to ease their negative thoughts, but it doesn’t usually work, because the issue isn’t their actual appearance, it’s their misperception of their appearance and how it impacts how they believe others see them. Body dysmorphia is also a condition which has a high suicide rate (some studies say 25%+ of people with Body Dysmorphic Disorder have attempted suicide), so that could definitely be part of Felicity’s struggles.

This is also much less specific, but do you think Arturo has ever had plastic surgery or tried it on himself? I kinda just assumed his mask was part of the surgeon aesthetic, but it’s true that we don’t super know what’s under it, right?

Anyways, ramble over! Onto the next song!

CW: Suicide and body dysmorphia over!!

Punching Bag by Set it Off: Ace Markey

A: And here we have our first Set it Off song! Venus and I listen to a lot of Set it Off music, so it was hard to cut down to just two when we wanted to do a couple more. Rest assured that the two we went with are going to be fitting.

(V: They are my top artist on Spotify ever :D

Also side note, we also like Full Moon by Rare Americans as an Ace song on vibes. The lyrics are less fitting, but like… the Vibes are there)

A: I think the scene that most closely parallels the lines of Punching Bag is the one in Chapter 2 Episode 4, where Veronika intervenes in Ace and Nico’s fighting. To quote Ace, “Is that what everyone really thinks about me? And it’s fine that you drill it into my head over and over again, because you think I’ll forget about it in 5 minutes like you do? … You think I act like this for fun, and then I go to bed and sleep soundly at night, you dumb piece of shit?”

I'm up all night when you think I'm sleeping People pleasing's never good for your health

I’m sure you can see what I’m getting at here.

V: There’s also the fun part with the “up all night when you think I’m sleeping” that Ace (I’m pretty sure) goes to the Gym and stuff while other people are asleep! Plus, there’s him overhearing the David/Arei conversation. So, in a lot of ways, Ace actually kinda is up all night when other people might think he’s sleeping.

A: People not taking Ace, his emotions and his struggles, seriously is one of the things that infuriates Ace the most. 

Punching bag Just another pot calling the kettle black Take it out on someone who won't hit you back 'Til we're all as broken as you

Based on what others have told him, he knows that they think he’s a fragile coward whose bark is worse than his bite. How dare they insult him when they’re just as fucked up as he is, if not more?!

So say goodbye to your Mr. Nice Guy You got your wish, he's rotting in Hell

Even though we are aware that he wasn’t really a nice guy before, this scene (and the one investigating the Gym with Levi) is reflective of Ace’s Chapter 2 declaration that he’s in it only for himself. He’ll be a terrible person if it’s the only thing that’ll defend him from everyone else’s onslaught of attacks.

And, on top of all that, there are a bunch of lyrics that seem to reference damage inflicted on the singer by some kind of string.

Hanging on by the strings that you're pullin' (So you) cut me down just to push me around

And hope I'd tie a rope 'round my throat 'Til I start to choke

Don’t worry Ace, I’m sure this will never come back to bite you. Play-bite you, even.

So go fuck yourself

Well, that’s not very nice :(

Grave Dancing by David Bays: Veronika Grebenshchikova

CW: Self harm and suicidal ideation for this section!!

A: This song kinda tracks Veronika’s experiences with boredom, and how experiencing the terrors of the world that make most people cower makes her cackle. We begin with Veronika’s backstory, detailing how she felt before the killing game began. Now, this is based on speculation, but the idea that Veronika has the secret, “you only took on your talent to distract yourself from your incessant need to harm yourself for fun” is generally a pretty popular one. If she really was injuring herself just to feel something, we can assume that she was in a pretty bad mental state.

I stared into nothing completely entranced A spectacle vortex of mesmeric dance Millions of voices invite me to jump Into the pool of the opiate pump

Veronika was lost to her own desires, only focusing on what was fun (the “mesmeric dance”) even when it was putting her in danger (“inviting [her] to jump,” presumably off a high place). However, once Veronika finds horror, she finds that you can’t spell funeral without fun.

I’m dancing on my grave As my pleasure turns to pain I waste my days In this haze The more I satisfy myself the emptier I am

When most people would be sobbing at a gravesite, Veronika thinks to dance. When Veronika is experiencing pleasure, it’s at the hand of pain, whether hers or someone else’s. Even when she succumbs to her desires to live her life for the sole pursuit of fun, she’ll always be chasing a high that doesn’t exist. 

The fleeting euphoria begs me for more

Or, well– not without a killing game, anyways. The “round robin race” and “endless buffet” mentioned in the lyrics could both refer to the killing game, and “a wishful need to want to leave” would be more of a commentary on how people like Xander and Eden keep making plans to end the killing game. It’s her typical psychoanalysis stuff.

Do you remember how to be I don’t And you’re all stuck here with me As we throw away our time On momentary lives

Veronika seems to know that she’s abnormal (although she frequently forgets it in the moment), and even relishes in it in the presence of people like Arturo or David. Even if she doesn’t remember how “to be” (a normal person), everyone is stuck with her in the killing game, where her opinion holds the most power. The concept of “throwing away our time on momentary lives” sounds like the kind of thing she would say to get under someone’s skin– pointing out how fragile everyone’s life is in order to try to incite murder. Overall, the song just reminds me a lot of how Veronika speaks and thinks.

Entertained forever till we… DIE

Like… Yeah, that’s Veronika alright. You get it, I hope.

CW: Self harm and suicidal ideation over!!

Hallelujah by Hunter Oliveri: David Chiem

A: Did you know that David… is in a poor mental state?

Everybody is dumb I'm feeling numb Hallelujah

While exactly how much David’s “real personality” mirrors what he’s shown us in 2-11 is still up for debate, that infamous episode certainly showed us that there’s something off with how David views himself and the world. Namely, he’s a pretty pessimistic guy who seems pretty cavalier about throwing at the very least his own life away (given that the person who receives votes WILL die, either in a correct blackened vote or an incorrect spotless vote). If you assume that David is not actually the blackened in Arei’s murder, you can also get this line to factor in:

Everyone's got a gun Let's kill everyone

If the other students use their “guns”– their votes– to kill David, everyone will die. That’s a plan he’s completely fine with… Or, at least, he’s acting like it is. You could also link this line to Xander and his fake gun. Obviously, Xander didn’t actually use his fake gun in his attempt to kill Teruko, but it’s still an acknowledgment of how Xander was a participant given a gun like everyone else, and how he did decide that murder was his best course of action. Betrayals like that are likely part of what gave David this attitude in the first place.

In his breakdown, David also shows his perverse desire to call out the other students for their naive idiotic beliefs in trust and the goodness in humanity. So, you know. Everyone (in the Class Trial) is dumb (for believing in all of the inspirational bs David spews), (David is) feeling numb (to his own survival, as well as potentially still being in shock regarding the state of his career)-- Hallelujah. In the Hunter Oliveri version, the call to Praise The Lord is certainly meant to be sarcastic, and David means the same. In the way that “the Lord” can also imply fate/morality or a powerful establishment, David can be telling those things to fuck off too with his “Hallelujah.”

All of this is probably clear enough. However, what makes me like THIS smugly apathetic song over potential others are the frequent references to telling people how to do things and success. Let’s start with telling people how to do things.

It all means nothing I'll tell ya something They'll sell ya something, yow

Now I can't do a damn thing. And I'll take you out your misery And now I can't move a damn thing And I'll take you out your misery

Although the singer is feeling numb and therefore shouldn’t care about their audience, the song is still clearly framed as the singer giving their advice on how to best approach life. “Telling you something,” AKA the wisdom David dispenses in his inspirational speeches, is the exact same thing as “selling you something.” David knows that he profits off of exploiting others’ hopes, and he hates himself for it. Because he believes that people can’t ever change, he “can’t do/move a damn thing,” but will still “take you out your misery.” On the surface, people think that David is taking them out of their misery to move them to somewhere happier. But the way David sees it, he might as well just take them out of their misery by killing them, because life for the corrupt and unmotivated is pointless.

On that happy note, let’s talk about success.

I Gotta buy a big house Driveway full of cars trophy wife on the shelf

Here's what I'm all about Spending big money on a ticket to hell You've probably seen me around I'm like the Walmart in your hometown

I can’t remember if it’s ever been officially confirmed by the story, but I would not be at all surprised if David was the most independently financially successful Ultimate in this killing game. Like, obviously if J got along with her mom, she would have access to way more money and fame than David would. But, given that J tries to hide her identity, David is the only character who seems to be particularly recognized by anyone else (Xander) at the start of the killing game. Calling him “the Walmart in your hometown” is kind of a funny way to get that point across, but if you say that David is calling himself that’s incredibly well-known but also not that particularly special/well-regarded, I think it fits.

David has been able to ride his career as an inspirational speaker to immense success, but he feels very empty about it. Because he doesn’t believe in what he’s saying (and in Arei’s case, may even believe that the things he said actually kill people), he knows that the “big money” he’s earning will come back to ruin him in the end. His actions before and after his big reveal are what will send himself (and those he’s affected) straight to hell. The worst part is that he doesn’t even have any particular ambition about how to use his success. He knows what successful people act like– displays of wealth, happy relationships– but he doesn’t actually know how to achieve them. He doesn’t even like expensive things. So, what’s the point?

David’s got a lot of opinions about how people should feel about their brief lives on this miserable  “third rock from the sun,” and I think Hallelujah represents them pretty well. Just… don’t ask me about the lyric four lines down from that one. I have no explanation for it. We’re ignoring it. Moving on.

Egoist by Onuma Paseri: Min Jeung

V: It took us a while to pinpoint what exactly we wanted to pick as Min’s song. We strongly considered the obvious but fitting Lost One’s Weeping, but in the end, we decided to bring something new to the table instead. That song is Egoist!

A: (This is because we wanted to avoid putting in songs that other people had already brought up themselves, to make the guessing game fun for Min. I applaud everyone’s efforts in coming up with so many great songs for Min, but goddamnit did you have to come up with SO MANY great songs for Min??? /j)

V: Egoist is an interesting song for Min, because a fair amount of the lyrics actually focus on not wanting to be in school.

I usually spend my days falling ill. Let me withdraw from school, professor!

Let me go home early, professor!

However, I think this makes sense given that, in Min’s bonus episode, we see her starting to have more doubt surrounding her school career. She begins to realize she’s become extremely focused on school to the detriment of everything else. To me, that’s what these kind of lyrics actually relate to in a Min context.

I want to talk about something life-related. Won’t you listen to me, professor?

I understand that patience is important in life.  Won’t you realize it, professor?

Min has started to realize that not only school matters, but the people and the environment she’s surrounded by encourage her to continue focusing on academics entirely. She wants to have patience in life and explore other possibilities, but she finds it difficult to actually broach the subject with anyone.

You, dyed orange,  Will melt into darkness before long. Though time passes, my anguish will not disappear. I spend an eerie night together with you.

This set of lines is much more plot-oriented. Though you could try to spin these to be about Mai, I think it’s easiest to make this song largely about the night that Min kills Xander. Xander, dyed orange, “melts into darkness” (dies via electrocution). Min’s anguish can’t just disappear, because the Class Trial exists– it has to result in more death. I think you could call the whole thing overall an eerie night.

Get sentimental, and it’s goodbye. Go quicker and further away than anyone else!

Min “becomes sentimental” when she wants to save Teruko from Xander. However, because this results in both Xander and Min’s deaths, her sentimentality means “goodbye” for her.

Becoming impulsive is the right move. Cross through the night, more than anyone else! There’s no going back from here. After all, there’s no consequences.

This relates to Min trying to win the Trial. The right move is to become impulsive– she has to act quickly when she sees Xander or he’ll simply kill her too– and after that, she has to “cross through the night” more than the students she’s trying to deceive. She has to be the absolute best to clear the Trial and escape to the outside world. There’s no going back from here.

The “no consequences” thing is a little weird considering there very much are consequences for her actions, but I could see that potentially relating to her mindset of fixing “mistakes.” Killing Xander doesn’t have to be a mistake, as long as she does succeed more than anyone else. There are only consequences if she fails to correct her mistakes in time. Unfortunately for Min, that’s exactly what happens.

…Actually, I take back what I said earlier about some of the lines being potentially applicable to Mai. THESE lines relate to Mai:

You had entered my heart, and your smile Will melt into darkness before long. Though time passes, my memories will not disappear.

Problem solved! Min gets to reference Xander, Teruko and Mai!

A: I also tried to pitch Hungry People by the Happy Fits as Min’s song; but Venus didn’t really get it, so we went with this (which I think she did a great job explaining!). However, if anyone wants to hear me ramble about the commercialization of Hope’s Peak and the Ultimate Student as a talent through the context of Versace, Versace, Versace or Klein, hit me up.

Always Tired by Weathers: Rose Lacroix

A: This song doesn’t have a ton of lyrics, but the ones it does have fit Rose pretty well. The most obvious connection is just due to the fact that Rose is, believe it or not, always tired.

I'm always tired, I just can't fight it I'm always picking up my body, oh

Whether as a result of her hard work, an attempt to run away from her depressing day-to-day life, or straight up narcolepsy I don’t know, but the fact remains that one of Rose’s most apparent character traits is her tendency to fall asleep at a moment’s notice. And, despite the dangerous killing game situation, she doesn’t make any attempts to try to keep herself awake, like drinking a ton of coffee or whatever. She doesn’t really have the drive in her to try much of anything after being chained to the Spurling Foundation for life. Instead of making art based on her own creative drive, she has to execute whatever the Spurlings tell her to. She has to force herself to do things, mentally picking up her body instead of just letting it carry itself forward.

There’s also the matter of Rose’s nightmares, the combination of her photographic memory and the troubles she’s faced. The song is a lot about sleeping, but also a lot about seeing.

A quarter to three, still rolling in bed A party for me with demons in my head Do you ever know how eyes lie? Do you ever see how I'm-

Even when Rose does try to sleep, she can’t avoid her photographic memory filling her mind with nightmares that feel incredibly real. Xander’s dead body, Min’s crying face, and Teruko’s haunting glare could all seem pretty demonic under the right circumstances.

The song’s continuous repetition of the chorus also speaks to how bland Rose finds her life now. It’s just a cycle of unfulfilling days doing the same thing with the same tired energy following her around. Unfortunately, that’s just her habit.

Evolutional by Big Data: J Rosales

V: This song largely centers around J’s relationship with her mother, Mariabella Rosales, and how J wants to make her own future rather than the one her mother wanted for her. In that lens, a lot of the lyrics to this song are honestly pretty self-explanatory.

It's my future, not a mystery These games that you play, you're my history Not your possession, you don't own me Said it's all for the best, I disagree

J takes ownership of her own future, leaving her mother and the stardom she was born into in the past. She’s not just her mother’s child; she’s her own person, too.

Ooh, boy, what you gonna say when I walk away? (Got a mind to eliminate) Ooh, ooh, boy, what you gonna do when I'm not with you? (I'ma show you another view)

J would much rather walk away from the whole situation. I have no idea what Mariabella’s reaction was when J walked away, but I have to imagine she wasn’t happy about it. J would probably enjoy that fact.

Gonna make a change, gonna rearrange Improve myself, I don't want your help

Something I like about the lyrics to this song are that they focus on how J has taken ownership of her future rather than just rebelling against her past. Yeah, she changes from her past, but she does also “improve herself” in the sense that J has still found her way to an incredibly successful career, Ultimate-level worthy, through her own enjoyment of SFX. She doesn’t want her mother’s help to become famous, but she still thrives on her own terms.

Used to build me up, used to knock me down Thought you were so clever, who's laughing now? Are you listening? Do I have your attention? I'm telling you now, I'm your final invention

J, as we know her, currently seems to have gotten the upper hand against her mother, given that she HAS become unrecognizable to most people and got to live out her life in relative privacy. I’m sure her mother is aware of this, though, meaning that J is the one “laughing now.” And, of course, if Mariabella is feeling like an Endeavor kinnie, she might see J as her “final invention.” Ryan is younger, but still, J is the evolution of the Rosales bloodline.

Remember the Empire by House of Heroes: Xander Matthews

A: Remember the Empire is a pretty general song about rebellion, which means that it definitely fits Xander, but not necessarily with the same specificity as some other songs. However, there are still some good lines to talk about, so let’s get into it.

Stand, stand up! What choice have they given us?

Remember the empire, Tear the king from the throne!

While possibly not as medieval as House of Heroes intended it, the rebellion that Xander asks people to stand against is definitely about taking down a king. Or, more specifically, a Duke. I doubt that Duke is actually a king by divine right or anything like that, but if you say that he was the old money ruler of the town in which Xander lived, there’s hardly a difference when it comes to modern day. “Remember the empire” is about Xander remembering both his family and hometown in the ways he wishes they would have stayed, and “tear[ing] the king from the throne” will at least restore that kind of peace to other families and homes.

Fight for the life that our children should have, Fight for every freedom that we never had, There's no turning back all the bridges are burned, Our peace must be earned, so

Again, Xander is focusing on children because he was a child when the river in his town was poisoned. Speaking of rivers, sometimes they have bridges over them…? But also, “burning bridges” just means ruining your relationship with someone, which Duke Spurling definitely did.

While I would say that the majority of this song is more about Xander’s backstory than his (brief) time in the killing game, there are still a couple of lyrics that I think speak more to that time period than his past.

Here they threaten with murder and bribe us with peace. Here they treat us like slaves and convince us we're free.

MonoTV sure did threaten them with murder! And bribe them with peace, too: given that Xander attempted to kill Teruko before the motive videos were actually given out, the main motive for the majority of the students was the temptation of going back to their peaceful, everyday lives.

“Treat[ing them] like slaves and convinc[ing them they’re] free” is a bit of a stretch, but who says I’m not flexible? MonoTV and the killing game establishment want the participants to believe that every decision they make is on their own terms– if a student chooses to become a killer, it’s about the despair secretly hidden inside of them, and not the external pressure of being put in a month-long life or death situation. But, the students are still “slaves” to both the headmaster, the structure of the killing game, and, in Despair Time’s case, the entertainment industry.

We wrote it down in blood, in blood. We gave our lives for love, for love.

Also, while Xander didn’t actually write out an accusatory dying message in blood, the blood around his neck and on his fingers were relevant to the case. He is also (probably) related to the blood falling on the pieces of paper in DRDT’s opening scene, and certainly the recipient of the “kill Teruko Tawaki” note, which was written down to call for Teruko’s blood.

Similarly, while the direct reasoning behind why Xander decided to kill Teruko is yet unknown, it really feels to me like it would be “for love” of something. Love of the rest of his classmates? Love of Mai? Love of the world? Whatever the case is, he gave his life for it. Remember the Xander– tear the song from the list!

SAD (Clap Your Hands) by Young Rising Sons: Whit Young

A: There is precisely one section of the lyrics that made me believe that this song was for Whit.

I've still got memories to repress But I still hear my mama saying If you're sad and you know it And you don't want to show it Clap your hands If you’re sad, that's okay You can clap it all away Just clap your hands

This part screams Whit so hard to me. Whit represses his emotions and memories about his home so that he can pretend that everything is fine. Whit’s mom is very important to him, and is more likely than not dead, such that anything she says would have to be in a memory. Much like how “bitter things should go down the drain,” Whit always chooses not to show his sadness, deciding instead to play things off as jokes.

Erase any unease you have with these two simple steps! Step 1: Clap! Step 2: Profit.

So, anyways, that’s clearly the best part of the song. What about the other parts? Well, they are probably making Whit into a bit angstier of a character than he actually is. Probably. (V: Yet. He will have angst. We can all feel it.) Compared to people like Xander or Min who have their own bonus episodes, or even people like Arei or Rose whose backstories have been explored a bit more in canon, we don’t actually know that much about Whit’s past. And, yes, I know that we literally got an entire scene almost entirely focused on Whit’s backstory. The problem is, given that he likely has a history of… omitting information, one could say, we don’t know how much of what he’s said about his past is true, and how much might be reframing things in a more positive light.

Still stuck in bed Try to remember how Unscrew my head That's too left brain right now

[...T]hey say that if I try That I could maybe be someone But I'm scared because I know deep down That day may never come

Shut up and be happy It's all in your head Grow up and be happy 'cause it ain't that bad That's what my doctor said

Like, all of this could be true about Whit, I dunno. Or it could be false. To try to end this on a smart note, I’ll try to explain each of these sections as best I can.

Whit is probably a more right-brained person, to the extent that that model means anything, because of his strong intuition and innate understanding of how others are thinking and feeling. The left brain helps you with sequencing and facts, two things which Whit probably tends to ignore.

There’s definitely an argument to be made that Whit doesn’t see himself as a particularly talented matchmaker, despite being an Ultimate. When Charles asks him to break up the fights between J and Arturo, Nico and Ace, and Arei and MonoTV, Whit deflects, saying that he’s only a matchmaker, not a relationship counselor. (Charles points out that he didn’t bring up anything about matchmaking at all, which implies that Whit may frequently feel out of his depth when asked to do things as a matchmaker and is used to coming up with excuses.) Whit’s sales pitch for himself as a matchmaker in the prologue is basically a joke, too. And then, there are the details thus far only brought up in his character profile: he dislikes Valentine’s Day, and has never been able to succeed in finding a relationship for himself. That failure to matchmake the perfect partner for himself (assuming he’s interested in that kind of thing, but he does say he likes boys and girls and was confirmed as bisexual in a Q&A) may make him insecure in his skills, and thus in his future as an Ultimate.

Of course, his bio also says that “if you get the Ultimate Matchmaker to find you a romantic partner, you’re guaranteed to have a happy and stable relationship for life,” so do with that what you will.

And finally, Whit did ask other students about their prescriptions, and seems to have some familiarity with mental health issues, given how he was able to help Charles. I mean, any good doctor would not actually say “grow up and be happy ‘cause it ain’t that bad” to someone struggling with their mental health, but my point is that the lyrics could have some extra meaning for Whit if he did see a doctor for whatever in the past.

Look, like I said at the top, there is precisely one section of the lyrics of this song that made me think it worked for Whit. The rest of the song does not make as much sense, but the guy was hard to pin down. And, hey, it’s not our fault that Good Grief was already taken–

Killer in the Mirror by Set it Off: Teruko Tawaki

V: This song is such a #TerukoSweep. We were looking at songs and this was one of the first ones we locked in. It very clearly shows her shift after Chapter 1 to being more distrusting of everyone else, after both Xander and Min betray her.

Look out, they're closing in on you now Wake up, or you'll wake up six feet down Nobody's got your back in this town Knock 'em in the teeth now

Teruko quite literally has to wake up or wake up six feet down after Xander stabs her, considering she’s unconscious for a long time. After that, she fully believes she can’t rely on anyone, so she becomes much more aggressive to the people around her, pushing them away.

Out here, there's no negotiation No room to start a conversation Before you get a taste, it's taken Never let your guard down

This relates to how she doesn’t even want to talk to anyone after the Trial. She can’t ever let her guard down; that’s a large part of why she refuses Eden’s attention in particular. She can’t negotiate or start a conversation, because that, in itself, is letting her guard down– it’s opening herself up to friendship, which she no longer trusts.

Get back, put your hands up, kinda messed up, but it's tough luck

Tough luck you say? …Anyways.

And I'm sorry, but I don't feel bad for you 'Cause I know if you could switch this You'd be dishing out the same shit Saying sorry, but I don't feel bad

Teruko seems to hold the view that anyone could betray her at any time, and thus, they should all be considered enemies. She can’t feel bad for any of them, because they could all do the same to her.

Now I know there's no one I can trust I used to think there was Tell me that I'm cutthroat I think you got your eyes closed

This is the same kind of thing. She can’t trust anyone, even when she used to think she could, because Xander and Min’s betrayals proved that not even those closest to her could be trusted. People say that Teruko is cutthroat for turning her back on everyone, but to Teruko, they don’t see the facts. She’s not being cutthroat, she’s being cautious. 

Feel the fear and swallow back the tears Let weakness disappear

This relates to Teruko cutting out her friends because they’re weaknesses, etc. etc.

There's nobody but me here The killer in the mirror

This is actually one of the harder lines to justify in my opinion, because Teruko hasn’t actually killed anyone. …That we know of.

I’m kinda just banking on Teruko’s likely secret of “How could I even select what secret to be your motive? Just about everything you’ve done in your life is worth killing for. The killing game is all your fault” in addition to any inflicting-bad-luck-on-other-people-like-with-Min type situations being enough to justify calling Teruko a killer, at least in a hypothetical sense. If she really is responsible for the killing game (questionable) then she’d sort of have killed Xander, Min and Arei at this point.

The other verses’ lyrics definitely fit too, but it’s really just a lot of repeating Teruko’s philosophy. She doesn’t trust anyone for her own safety, she can’t have friends anymore, all that deal. Classic Teruko.

Conclusion

V: Thanks for getting all the way through this post! This thing ended up WAY longer than we meant it to. Still, I guess it makes sense, given that we tried to pick songs we thought had strong lyrical basis for the characters. Hopefully you enjoyed, coming from me and Accirax :)

A: Yippee, essays over! Thank you for reading. Now go listen to our immaculate taste in music some more (/lh /nf). And the original playlist, too! We could all use a little more DRDT brain rot in our lives.

[cxncri]

only ones who know [suna x reader]

summary: you and suna get stuck in an elevator while going to get midnight snacks, and the two of you realize something important. cross-posted on ao3 as well!

word count: 1,056

author’s note: this was one of my first fics, i apologize for any mistakes! i hope you all like it :)

⋆｡ ﾟ｡♡︎⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ｡♡︎⋆｡ ﾟ☾｡⋆｡ﾟ♡︎ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆｡ﾟ♡︎⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

the lights of the elevator flicker once, twice, and go out with a pop!

right after you’re able to process this, the elevator stops abruptly and you’re jolted to the ground. you yelp, completely unprepared for that entire sequence of events.

“what- hello??”

“suna??”

you blink, eyes adjusting to the darkness. it’s one thing to have an elevator break down, and another to have the power go out. both of these things happening was just unfortunate.

“are you good?” if you didn’t know any better, you would say he sounds shaken up. despite it being a small space, you feel lost, and the faint glow of the emergency light isn’t bright enough to see anything.

“yeah, i’m okay. a little spooked, but nothing too bad.” you put your hand on the floor to steady yourself and grimaced, trying not to think of what could’ve possibly been on this floor in the past.

“what about you? are you okay?” you ask, leaning against the wall. you’re suddenly aware of the fact that you’re trapped in such a small place with him, and your heart starts to race. you shake your head, choosing to focus on the most important thing: getting out of here and back to the room.

“it’s dark.” typical suna.

“great observation, smartass.”

“fine, yeah, i’m fine. so, we’re probably stuck in here for a while. the storm must’ve been worse than i thought.” he sounds tired, more so than usual. “yeah… do you have your phone with you? we should probably call someone for help.”

he groaned. “shit. no, i left it with the rest of my stuff in the room. i didn’t think i would need it, but uh, my mistake.”

to be fair, you were out on a midnight snack raid, completely unprepared for an entire power outage. still, it was unlike him to not bring his phone, and horribly ironic that he didn’t have it the one time you needed it.

“hmm… let’s see…” you think out loud, trying to think of the best way to get out of this elevator. coming up short, you sit back, stumped. with no phone, no way to get help, and no ideas, you’ll probably just have to wait this one out.

“we could press the emergency button, that’ll probably do something??” smart. you hadn’t even considered that, and you’re suddenly thankful for the other person here stuck in here with you.

“oh yeah! good idea!” you move towards where your best guess of the elevator button is, reaching out to touch the wall. instead of the wall, to your surprise, your hand is met with what feels to be fabric. surprised, you pitch forward, landing on top of (what is hopefully) suna. you both pause for a second, and then you scramble, trying to get off of him as fast as you possibly can.

“sorry, sorry! i was looking for the button, i’m so sorry!” your face feels hot and you’re so, so flustered.

“geez, y/n, you’re not the type i would expect to get handsy in such a crisis!” he’s just teasing, like he always does. there’s a somewhat-suppressed laugh in his tone, and you’re so glad you can’t see his face right now.

“i didn’t- hey- geez! it was an accident!” your face is probably way past flushed by now. if it was anyone else you would’ve brushed it off, but with suna? no way. you’ve been best friends since you were kids, and you’ve liked him for years. hell, you were even roommates, and he still had no clue. despite how many hints you’ve tried to drop and signs you’ve tried your best to give him, he’s always been oblivious to them. you’ve learned to live with this by now, accepting it for what it was.

“just messing with you. the button is over here, anyway.” see, you had the right direction, just a little uh, off-target. you hear a click, and you assume he pushed the button. you both wait for a second, hesitantly expecting something, but nothing happens. “well, shit. that didn’t work. since we’re gonna be here for a bit, you mind if i stretch out? it’s not easy being in such a cramped space with my height.”

“oh- yeah, that’s fine, take as much space as needed.” you scoot, trying to move out of his way. “alright,” he yawns. “cool.” you hear him shuffle around, getting situated. hugging your knees, you rock back and forth, getting tired as well. you sigh, fighting a yawn. eventually, you give in.

“suna…?” you ask, softly, “are you asleep yet?” his response back is quick. “nope. it’s actually kinda difficult to sleep on an elevator floor. why?”

again, you sigh, unzipping your hoodie for the greater good. “here, use this.” you toss it in his general direction, and you hear a thump and a muffled “thanks,” so you assume he got it. he shuffles again, and then pauses. “wait, y/n, do you wanna lay down over here too-? like, there’s enough room and all…” he trails off, waiting for an answer.

you scoot yourself over to him again. “uh, sure, i mean, if you’re sure there’s enough room, that sounds great-“

“c’mere.” his arm wraps around you and you let him pull you next to him. your hoodie underneath you isn’t much, but it’s better than laying on the bare floor.

you could feel his body next to yours, warm and comforting, and it put you at ease. “thanks…” you mumble, embarrassed once again. your eyelids grow heavy, and you shut them, this time letting sleep take over. suna’s breaths grow slower, and you assume he’s gone to sleep.

right before you doze off, you’re aware of his arm curling around your waist. “suna-?” you whisper, surprised by it. “shhh,” he whispers. “just go to sleep.”

you smile, because for a midnight snack run, this wasn’t too bad. you wrap your arms around him, feeling safe here, in this small space.

feeling brave, or maybe just tired, you rest your head against his chest, and for a second he doesn’t move. you contemplate moving, because what if you took it too far, and before you can do anything you feel him pull you close to him. you feel so fragile here, so delicate.

“goodnight. sleep well.”

“goodnight. you too.”

[hoseokslefteyebrow]

Of Love And War || B.P

Pairing : Bloody Painter// Helen Otis X Reader Genre : Angst, fluff, yandere (also x hogwarts) Summary : Helen had always been in love with yoou. What will he do when he has to choose between the dark arts and you? Wordcount:7k Triggers: uhh, people die, Helen’s obv crazy,, Harry Potter spoilers I think that’s it, oh also reader isn’t entirely sane either

[ A/N: It took a while, but it’s finally here. : ) ]

Hogwarts, 1st year

" Hi, I'm Y/N L/N. I see you haven't got a project partner yet. Wanna partner up? " 

Helen glanced up from his desk as he's approached. He's aware of who you are. You're nice, a stereotypical Hufflepuff. The only thing that sets you apart from your housemates is that you've actually got a bite to your bark when provoked. 

This makes you quite popular amongst your housemates. 

" Why? Did your friends ditch you? " Helen snaps back rudely. 

His housemate, Theodore Nott, snorts. Helen doesn't get why he's listening in, but as long as Nott won't bother him, he doesn't care. 

" They partnered up with each other. If you don't want to be partners, that's fine, I'll just find someone else. " You shrug, seemingly unbothered by his rude attitude. 

You turn around to walk off, but before you can take a step, Helen suddenly finds his own hand clasped loosely around your wrist. 

" No, I need a partner too anyway, when can we meet? "

-

" Hey Otis! " Draco Malfoy calls out into the commonroom as soon as Helen enters. 

Helen sighs, not in the mood for Malfoy's bullshit. 

" Yes? " 

" So, L/N, huh? I didn't estimate you to be that low. She's a muggle born, is she not? " He scoffs, a disgusted look on his face. 

Helen barely glances his way. 

" I'm surprised to know that you manage to find time to butt into my business, Malfoy. If I were you, I'd study more for Charms. Your last grades were rather, embarrassing... Were they not? " 

Draco's eyes widen. No one's ever spoken to him like that before, but then again, he's never bothered to cross paths with Helen before. 

-

Hogwarts, Year 2

" Y/N, what are you doing here? " Helen whispers harshly as he spots his best and only friend. 

" What? Oh, hi Helen. I was looking for a good book to read. Why, is something wrong? " You ask him. 

" There's a monster loose who's out for muggle borns and you're casually hanging out by yourself. Don't do that. " He crosses his arms as he stands beside you. 

" Don't worry. I'll be okay. Besides, it's broad daylight-"

" I doubt the monster would care. Do me a favor, just stick around me. "

Your big eyes look up at Helen's words, before your lips turn up into a teasing smirk. 

" Awe, do you actually care about me? " 

He raises a brow at you. 

" Of course I do. You're the only person who's... I don't know, durable, I guess. " He shrugs. 

" I find you durable too. "

-

Hogwarts, Year 3

" Helen? " 

Said male woke up at the sound of his name being called. 

" Huh, what is it Y/N? " He grumbles. 

All of the students have been gathered in the great hall, the reason for it being Sirius Black on the loose. 

" Can I sleep beside you? " You ask him, no further explanation said. 

He slightly opens his eyes, glancing at you. Once he realizes you're most probably scared, he nods. 

" Yeah, whatever. "

And so you take the sleepingbag beside him. He's surprised you don't immediately quack his head off like you usually do, instead, you get into a comfortable position, and close your eyes. 

Helen can't help himself. He keeps looking at you for a while. He never really realized, but you really are gorgeous. 

It doesn't take long before you've drifted off. 

Neither of you mention it when you wake up cuddled into each other. 

-

Hogwarts, Year 4

" Helen, look at how cute this creature is! " You yell as you thrust the book of magical creatures you're looking at in his face. 

Helen blinks, needing a few minutes to be able to read what's on the page. 

" Bowtruckles? Really? They're not cute, they're pests. " 

You blink. 

" You say that as if you've seen them before. " 

" Because I have. They live in the trees behind the mansion I live in. " Helen says unimpressed, pushing your book aside to go back to reading his homework. 

" Wait so you have?-"

" Yes I have, no I will not show you. Also stop blabbering, and focus on your homework for once. " He says, smiling wryly at the end. 

He takes your book gently, closing it and setting it aside. Once it's placed on the table, he places a hand behind your head, suddenly pulling you close. 

" Study. " He says, his voice giving you shivers before he pulls away again. 

You blush faintly as he pulls away. 

Had Helen always been that attractive? 

-

" I dare you to swap wands with Y/N for a whole day. " Lui grins evilly.

You cough, before choking and eventually breathing again.

" What? That's not fair. My wand is the biggest traitor in the world, it works for almost everyone. Helen's is more loyal than,, I don't even know. That's how loyal it is." You complain.

Helen grins, holding his wand out to you. You huff and roll your eyes, before holding in out your own as well.

" Please don't listen to him." You whisper to your wand as you hand it to him.

Helen snorts, taking yours as you take his.

About twenty minutes later, you're in your defense against th dark arts class, and you feel sweat break out as you're stood on a dueling table, a classmate of yours stood opposite you.

You swallow, glancing down at Helen's wand which you're holding.

Time to test his wands' loyalty.

Your classmate opens her mouth, ready to fire a spell at you, but although nervous, you don't back down.

" Expelliarmus!" You shout.

To your ( and your friends') surprise, your classmate's wand flies out of their fingers.

" Well done Y/N, well done!" Your substitute teacher calls out with a proud grin.

You and Helen blink owlishly at one another.

-

Hogwarts, Year 5

" I think I'm going to join the Inquisitorial Squad. " Helen suddenly says as the two of you are chilling near the Black Lake. 

" What? Why? " You ask him. 

He shrugs. 

" For the extra credit. "

" You don't even need that though, you're top of the class. " You point out as you lay down in the grass. 

Helen glances at you for a moment, before scooting closer to you, pulling you into his embrace. 

" Promise me you won't engage in any stupid activities. "

-

" Bombarda Maxima. " 

Draco seemed smug when he pulls Cho Chang in front of the broken down wall. 

Helen felt anything but as his eyes connected with yours. 

Why didn't you listen to him? 

-

Helen and you barely spoke after he caught you being part of Dumbledore's Army. That doesn't mean he actually let you out of his sight though. 

​​​​​" I caught these two trying to help the Weasley girl! " Draco exclaimed proudly as he walked into Umbridge's office, holding who he recognized to be Neville Longbottom and you. 

His cold eyes never left yours the moment you entered the room. 

He had originally been called to fetch veritaserum so Umbridge could question Harry Potter. 

" I'm afraid you used the last of it already, professor. " He tells Umbridge, though he keeps his eyes on you. 

Umbridge opens her mouth, ready to tell him to go fetch Snape, but he's already towering over Draco before a word can leave her mouth. 

" Hand her over to me. " 

Draco doesn't think twice before pushing you into Helen's arms. 

" I thought I told you to stay out of trouble. " He whispers harshly to you. 

" Yeah, well, that's pretty hard when she's headmaster. " You bite back. 

" Shut it, you'll only get into more trouble. " He hisses. 

​​​​​​Meanwhile, Snape has dropped by, Harry said something sketchy to him and now Hermoine's yelling something about a secret weapon. 

Moments later, the golden three are out of the room, along with Umbridge. 

" Well then-"

" Do with them whatever you like. I'll have a good talk with her. " Helen says before Draco can even finish his sentence. 

Next thing you know is that he's roughly pulling you out of the room and into the hallway. 

" Hey! No need to be so rough! -"

" If you don't want me to be so rough, fucking listen to me! " He yells suddenly, slamming you into the wall. 

You blink, fear slowly seeping into you. He's never been rough with you. Nor have you ever seen him mad before. 

When he finally catches up to your reaction, he slowly lets go of the shoulder he's had pressed against the wall. 

" Look, sorry, but-"

" I'm not someone you can boss around Helen, you should know that by now. " You tell him carefully. 

" Boss around?! The only reason I'm bossing you around is because you easily manage to get into trouble- Which I in turn hate, because Umbridge is a major bitch. " He bursts out suddenly, running a hand through his hair. 

He turns to look at you, his crystal blue eyes boring into yours with an unusual amount of emotion and affection. 

He carefully steps closer to you, and when you don't step away, he cups your face with both of his hands. 

" I'm in love with you, Y/N. " 

Your eyes widen at his confession. Yes, you most definitely have a crush on him too, but love? 

You carefully place your hands on his sides. 

" Helen, I like you too. " 

He doesn't need to hear anymore as he connects your lips together. He gives you a soft peck, never having kissed anyone before. 

He's your first kiss as well, but you're less shy. You move one of the hands on his sides to cup his face, pulling him back to you. 

You might not know what the future holds for you, but you believe you'll be okay in the battle against he-who-musn't-be-named with him by your side. 

-

Malfoy Manor, summer before 6th year

Helen's monotone expression remains the same as he comes face to face with the dark lord himself. 

" Ah, Helen it is? I believe you'll be a great addition to my army. I trust you accept? " The dark lord speaks to him. 

Helen doesn't need to look at his parents to know that this is what they want him to do. 

" Of course. " He answers, voice holding no tone of flattery. 

" Good, good, just the answer I hoped. You see, I've set a mission for your friend, Draco. I, however, believe it's best if you help. " The dark lord tells him. 

Helen nods, shortly glancing at Draco who's seemingly trying his best not to quiver. 

-

Your eyes widen as you look at the letter your friend Hermoine send you. 

Dear Y/N, 

Hi, Hermoine here. I was out with Ron and Harry the other day when I saw Malfoy and Otis acting suspicious by Borgin and Burks. I know we're not close, but I thought that Malfoy and Otis weren't either. Just giving you a heads up in case he's now on you-know-who's side. 

Can't wait to see you in school! 

Hermoine Granger

Did Helen really join him? 

-

Hogwarts, Year 6

So far, things have been relatively grim between you and Helen. The two of you talk, as you always do, but sometimes he randomly runs off with Malfoy, sometimes for hours on end, without any explanation. 

" What's going on with you and Malfoy? " 

Helen looks up as he hears you ask the question he dreads to answer. 

" Nothing. We don't talk all that often, why? " 

" 'You don't talk that often? ' He literally came to pick you up from our study date yesterday. " You raise a brow. 

He sighs, but doesn't say anything otherwise. 

" Look, I know you're hiding something. I also feel like it's got something to do with you-know-who being back. I need you to tell me Helen, are we together in the war that will no doubt be coming, or not? " 

He remains silent, confirming your fears. 

" Okay. I guess I'll see you arou-"

He's pulling you right back down beside him before you can finish your sentence and properly get up from the grass. 

" You're right. I'm afraid we won't be on the same team when it comes to the war Y/N." He sighs, his eyes turning sad. 

You haven't seen him so emotional since last year, when he confessed his feelings for you. Now, he's got a tight grip on your hand. He's avoiding eye contact, but his deep blue eyes look sad whilst he's looking out on the black lake. You know what it means; he's worried about something. 

" This summer wasn't like any other. Malfoy and I were approached by the Dark Lord to join his side. We know better than to say no. Now we've been charged a mission. I won't burden you with what.... " He explains. 

You look at your boyfriend, shocked by what he's telling you. 

" Just, please tell me, are you asked to kill someone? " You ask, taking the hand he's holding into both of your own. 

In return, he pulls you into his side, wrapping the arm you were holding around you as he replaces it with his free hand in your own. 

" Yes. "

-

" I once knew a boy, he was quite like you you see, he made all the wrong choices-"

" Get it over with Malfoy. " Helen hisses, stepping out from where he was hidden in the shadows. 

" Otis?-"

" I don't need a peptalk. I'm morally much worse than you know. " He says. 

Dumbledore could tell he was right. Helen's eyes were dark, filled with some kind of unexplained rage. Like he's been carrying around anger for a very long time. 

In a quick attempt to keep Helen from doing what Dumbledore has asked Severus to do, he tries to get through to him. 

" What would miss L/N think, Helen? "

" She'll never know. " He says, slipping his wand out of his pocket. 

Just as Dumbledore hoped, the sound of more people arriving catches their attention. 

" There's others? How? "

" The vanishing cabinet in the room of requirement. It has a twin. "

-

The Burrow, summer after 6th year

" What was the first thing I said to you when Helen became our housemate?! " Link yells as he points his wand at you and his own twin brother Ben. 

Ben is quick to react, pulling his own wand out and pointing it back at his twin while he pulls you protectively behind his form. 

" What the hell is this about Link-"

" Answer me! "

" That he looks like a damn angel and smells like flowers! " Ben yells frustrated. 

You pop your head out from behind his back. 

" I mean, I agree- but,, what? " 

Link grins, lowering his wand. 

" We have to check everyone this way, they knew we were coming. " Link says, stepping inside of the burrow, letting you and Ben in as well. 

Today, the trace has finally faded on Harry, and because of that, you, Ben, Link and Lui were helping with bringing him to the Burrow, the Weasleys' household. You had been paired up with Ben (with you morphing into Harry, thanks to the Polyjuice potion. Now, you're thankfully back in your own skin.) Everyone is also staying at least until the wedding of Ron's brother Billy and Fleur. 

" George! Are you okay? " You ask as you see him nearly passed out on the couch, his twin by his side as always. 

" Oh, yeah, feeling kinda holy, don't worry.-"

" Y/N! Thank Merlin you made it! " Hermoine calls suddenly, running to you to give you a big hug. 

" Hermoine! You too." You smile as you return the hug. 

It thankfully doesn't take long until the rest arrives. 

" Mad eye's dead. Mundunges fled as soon as he saw the first death eater appear. " Billy says, bringing an uncomfortable silence with him. 

-

You smile sadly at the couple who're dancing. You're happy for them, truly, but you're also sad, as they remind you of what (or rather who) you're missing. 

" Pitty party for one I see, mind if I join? " 

You look up from where you seated to see Link standing there. 

You snort. 

" Sure, sit down. "

" Kind of sad that they're having a wedding right now." You say as soon as he sat down. 

" You think so? " He asks in return. 

" Yeah, you don't? " 

" I think it's rather cute that they choose to die married, kind of. " 

" I mean, I guess you could see it like that too. Never expected you to be a 'till death do us part' kind of guy. " You tease. 

Understandably so too, Link had always been a player for as long as you knew him. 

" What can I say, I suppose I'm full of surprises. " 

A comfortable silence settled between the two of you after that for a moment, until he spoke the words you dreaded to hear. 

" You know, I saw him. " Link started carefully, looking at your face. 

" When we escorted Harry here. He didn't shoot a spell at me, but I can't read him. He didn't exactly seem to be there against his will either-"

" He was forced Link, just like everyone else in that wretched army. "

" I know, but still. You should be careful.... I think there's a chance- DUCK! " Link cut himself off as he threw himself on you, pulling the both of you down. 

Death eaters started breaking down the tent, shooting spells left and right. From the corner of your eye, you could see the golden trio apparate. 

" Wand out, Y/N." Link says as he gets up, throwing spells right back at them. 

You get up too, intending to do the same. However, before you've even properly drawn your wand out, someone knocks you out. 

-

When you wake up again, you're in some kind of underground cellar, Luna, and who you recognize to be the wandmaker Ollivander are with you. 

" Y/N was it right, are you okay? " Luna asks. 

You cough, carefully getting up. 

" Uhm, sort of I think? You're Luna right? Luna Lovegood? " 

" Yes, that's me. "

" Where are we? What happened? "

" We're in the basement of Malfoy Manor, I'm afraid we're taken. "

-

" We did not manage to catch him, my lord-"

" Fools! How is it, that even a simple task, you cannot manage! " He-who-musn't-be-named booms as he walks over to the poor man, who gulps in fear. 

" M-my lord, we did manage to take two girls. We believe they're relatively close to Potter. Mayhaps they could help? " Another, who had been part of the wedding crashing, asked carefully. 

The dark lord looked him cold in the eye, contemplating on whether he should kill him or not, but eventually waved him off. 

" Get them, perhaps we can get some information out of them. "

The man immediately scrambles off, doing as told. 

Draco turns to carefully look at Helen, who's sat beside him. The black haired male was much colder than he had anticipated, in fact, sometimes Helen seemed to enjoy torturing people, hurting them. 

He was unbreakable, nothing seemed to get to him. 

Until today that is. 

-

Helen's eyes widen as he recognized the pair of (E/C) eyes who seemed to stare right back at him. 

However, knowing better than to show emotion in this environment, he quickly wiped his emotions off his face. 

No one is to know you two were something. 

And so he watched. He watched as another death eater started using the cruciatus curse on Luna whilst questioning you. He watched as you didn't give in. He watched as they in turn used the curse on you. He watched with pain as Luna didn't give in. It went on like that for a while, until the dark lord grew impatient. 

You didn't look him in the eye once. 

" Enough. If they don't want to speak, that's fine. Kill them." He ordered. 

Helen felt his heart stop as you finally broke eye contact, hanging your head, ready to die. 

" Don't. " Helen says suddenly. 

He doesn't raise his voice, doesn't yell, doesn't show any emotion. 

The dark lord's cold eyes turn to him now, daring him to give an explanation. 

" They'll be no use to us dead. Lovegood's father will look for her. As will Drowned's for Y/N. " He says, not stuttering once. 

" Mayhaps, we should sent them a note. Lucius, I trust you own an owl? "

-

Eventually, hours turn into days, and days turn into weeks. 

Helen watches you suffer sometimes, not budging with interfering. 

Luna was at some point left alone, for she seemed to be more of use as long as she was alive. 

You on the other hand? You were close to breaking. The torturing truly got to you, and Helen watched painfully as you turn into the ghost of yourself. Your skin which once shined was now dull and dirty, your hair matted, and you've lost so much weight. Your eyes get to him the most. They don't look at him with the hope you once had for him anymore. 

One day, he finally has enough. 

" That's enough. She'll die. She'll be useless to us dead. " He stops Bellatrix from murdering you. 

" What, it sounds to me as if you have a soft spot for this one, Otis~" Bellatrix laughs cruelly. 

" Not at all, Lestrange. But I doubt the dark lord would be happy with her dead when he specifically told you to keep her alive. " Helen glares back, stepping closer. 

Due to his height, he towers over her. Her heels barely giving her enough height to make them face to face. 

She scoffs, obviously bummed he interrupted her fun. 

That night, Helen finally goes down to see you. 

" Y/N? " He asks carefully as he opens the door to the cellar. 

" H-Helen? " He hears you call back to him. 

The basement is dark, and he whispers a small spell to create light. 

" Y/N." Helen breaths out as he walks over to where you're cuddles up in a corner. 

" Leave her alone! " Luna suddenly jumps in his way, pushing him back. 

" Haven't you done enough damage to her?! " She yells, although she keeps her voice soft. 

Helen feels a new emotion dwell up in him. He doesn't like Luna. How dare she say that when she didn't budge to say anything when they tortured you? 

He can't seem to control himself as he pushes her aside roughly, her head hitting one of the columns.

He doesn't watch to see how she does, instead he stalks over to you. 

It scares you to the point where you try to press yourself further into the wall. But he's having none of that, instead taking you into his arms and taking you upto his room. 

Once you've arrived in a different room on the third floor, you look at him. 

" What are you doing? "

" Saving you. "

" Why? "

Helen glances at your face, but doesn't say anything else. 

" Do you need help getting yourself clean in the bathroom? " He asks instead pulling you up with one hand on your lower arm and one on your waist. 

He doesn't miss how your skin shivers at his touch. 

" No. " You say as you try to push him away. 

However, the moment you're on your feet by yourself, you nearly collapse, had it not been for Helen who caught you. 

" Seems you do though. "

-

A few weeks later, Malfoy Manor

So far, Helen has been keeping you in his room. 

You've been walking around in his clothes, sleeping beside him in his bed and did well by keeping quiet. 

He says he's planning an escape for the two of you, but you know better than to believe him. 

He's always been calculated and quick, if he had a plan, it would be put to action by now. 

Instead, you're left to wait for the right moment. 

He's made the stupid mistake of giving you your wand back, with the empty promise that you wouldn't use it. 

For now, you can't yet, considering it would most probably only bring you trouble, and impossibly more pain.

Currently, you're seated in the window sill. It's a relatively sunny day out, but of course, you're stuck inside.

The moment you hear footsteps in the hallway, you turn your head to face the door, your hand on your wand beside you.

The door opens, but like always, it's just Helen.

" Hey, how do you feel?" He asks, face void of a smile.

You miss his smile. You miss the Helen you used to know.

You don't respond, instead turning to face the window again.

You hear Helen sighs, before you hear him approach you.

" You wanted to see Bowtruckles sometime, right?" He asks suddenly, pulling out a chair to sit on from the desk beside the window.

You turn to look at him, but don't say anything, though the question is clear in your eyes.

He reaches into his hoodie's pocket, and pulls out a small green twig-leaf like creature.

Your eyes widen.

It's a Bowtruckle.

For the first time in a while, he actually smiles, and holds his hand out to you. And for the first time in a while, you take it.

The Bowtruckle seems to be scared of the both of you, but still jumps onto your hand.

The window sill is low, and as Helen scoots closer, into your personal space bubble.

You put your wand in the same hand which is holding the Bowtruckle, something the creature appreciates.

While you're busy fawning over the Bowtruckle (you even tell Helen you're naming it Twig), Helen has his eyes on you.

This is the happiest he's seen you in a while, and he can't help himself when he turns your face, kissing you full on the lips for the first time.

Your eyes widen, but you don't push him away, instead pulling him in closer with your free hand, you don't even realize when you start crying. He also pulls you in closer, holding the back of your neck.

When the two of you pull away from one another, he wipes your tears.

" I know I've made all the wrong choices, and that I don't deserve you- but please know, I really do love you, Y/N."

-

A few months later, Malfoy Manor

You've always been patient, something you're very grateful for right now.

Finally, today seems to be your lucky day. 

" Come. " Helen calls you over suddenly from the doorway of his room. 

You were on the other side of the room, looking through the window, aimless on what to do.

" Why? " You ask carefully. 

Helen rolls his eyes but walks over to you, taking you by your arm. 

" You're going to identify Harry Potter. Don't do anything stupid, I can't do much with the other death eaters around. "

And so, seconds later, you're sat down in front of a man who's most probably Harry Potter. 

" I-I don't know. " You stutter out. 

You're scared out of your wits, surrounded by some of the people who've tortured you the worst. 

" Think harder! " Bellatrix screams at you, making you flinch. 

" I really d-don't know. "

" Get Draco. " 

Draco, who was just as 'unsure' as you, didn't clear much up either. 

However, in a sudden turn of events, Bellatrix spots a sword, and Harry and Ron are ushered to the basement. Bellatrix makes a move to come for you too, but to everyone's surprise, Helen actually draws his wand out. 

He wraps a possessive arm around your shoulder, pulling you in close against his body, and raises his wand to her chin within a quick motion. 

" Touch her. " He hisses out. 

" I fucking dare you. "

Bellatrix glares back at him, hard enough to make you shake in fear. 

" You can't keep your pet forever. I'm going to kill her one day or another. " Bellatrix hisses before turning around to torture Hermoine. 

When Helen feels you start to shake even worse at Hermoine's screams, he turn you around, pushing your face into his shoulder, as if to offer comfort. The hand which is holding his wand wrapping around your waist. 

After a while, it thankfully stops.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Bellatrix' wand goes flying. 

Harry and Ron come up from the basement, and suddenly you feel something you haven't felt in a while, hope. 

However, Bellatrix isn't easily defeated, and brings a dagger up to Hermoine's throat, making Harry and Ron stop as they were fighting Draco and Narcissa. 

You're not sure what to expect from there, but then suddenly the chandelier squeaks, and eventually it falls down, as an unfamiliar house elf drops it. 

You take this as your moment to run, you elbow Helen hard in the stomach as you run over to Ron, Harry, Hermoine, a gringgotts creature and the house elf, picking up everyone's wands on the way there. 

" You stupid elf! You could've killed me! " Bellatrix screams. 

Helen just looks at you, emotionless, unreadable. 

You don't know what he's thinking. 

" Dobby never meant to kill. Dobby only meant to seriously injure. " The house elf, you guess Dobby, says. 

Narcissa raises her wand to do something about it, but with a click of the house elf's fingers, her wand flies into his hands. 

" How dare you take a witch's wand?! How dare you defy your masters?! " Bellatrix screams, outraged. 

Dobby stands up straight, the look on his face serious. 

" Dobby has no masters. Dobby is a free elf. And Dobby has come to save Harry Potter and his friends. " He speaks bravely, before he nudges everyone to hold hands. 

The last thing you see is Bellatrix throwing a dagger at you before you disapparate. 

When you arrive at the new location, you feel sand. You're momentarily numb to your surroundings. You can't hear anyone, you only see. 

Freedom. 

Finally. 

After only being able to look into the sad yard of Malfoy Manor, you're finally outside. 

After a minute, you register the pained screams from Harry, and it takes a moment longer before you've registered that the dagger that Bellatrix had thrown had hit Dobby. And that he's passed now. 

Silent tears escape your eyes as you walk over to the group. 

" There, he looks more peaceful now. " Luna says as she closes his eyes. 

" I'm so sorry. " You whisper. 

Luna wraps a kind arm around you, as everyone else is too broken about what happened. 

-

" Y/N! " Link yells as he all but runs over to you, wrapping you up in a tight embrace. 

" I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have let go of you-"

" Hey, sush, you couldn't have done anything, Link. Nothing could've saved me. " You sniff as you hold him just as tight. 

" Still, I'm so sorry. "

" I was so scared." You cry.

Link rubs your back comfortingly, and after a while, you calm down a little.

" I was with him most of the time." You confess.

Link's eyes widen, pulling away from him slightly.

" You mean with Helen? What was he like?"

" I don't know. With me, he was sweet. But when there were other people around he just, seemed like an entire different person."

Link sighs. 

" I'm afraid we'll have to see what's become of him when it comes down to it."

-

" Hello, I'm sorry to bother. Can I ask you a few questions?" You ask as you step into Ollivander's room.

" Of course, come in. " He tells you kindly, straightening his posture in awareness.

" How are you?" You ask him as you sit down on stool opposite him.

" I'm alright. Healing I'd say. How are you?" 

" Quite the same. You see I have a Bowtruckle. I just.. don't know how to care for it." You say as you fish the creature out of the pocket of your hoodie.

Ollivander smiles, and you hold out Twig so he can hold it if he wants to. To your surprise, Twig actually moves onto his hand as soon as it's offered.

" Peculiar creatures, Bowtruckles. Much like the wood of their hometree, they rarely bond with more than one person. Did young Otis give you this?" He asks.

Your eyes widen, your mouth opening and closing like a fish.

" Don't worry. I don't judge you. I remember back when I was in school and in love. it seems so long ago." He says with a smile.

" I saw the way the Otis looked at you. I believe he might be mad, but there's a big chance he's also mad for you."

He doesn't look at you as he speaks, instead looking at the bowtruckle.

" They eat bugs. I'd recommend letting it go, but I have no idea where a tree with wood worthy of a wand is." He finally tells you, holding his hand out to yours, Twig jumping back onto your hand without second thought.

" Uhm, thank you." You eventually say, not knowing how to react.

How did Ollivander know?

-

The Burrow, A few weeks later

" Harry got into Hogwarts. " Kingsley says. 

" This is it. " Tonks says as she takes her lover's hand. 

" The last battle. " Lupin sighs. 

" We better go. " Fred says, and one by one everyone starts disapparating. 

" Link, disapparate me with you, I can't do it by myself yet. "

" No, stay here-"

" I'm going to fight, Link. I have a right to make them pay after what they did to me. " You say, although you don't fully mean it. 

But you can't let your friends fight alone. 

" If you panic or can't handle it anymore, you run and hide, deal? "

" But-"

" Deal or no deal? Otherwise you're not coming. " He says. 

" Fine, deal. "

-

The preparations for the battle scare you. You're stood with Link, Ben and Lui. The friends you've made this year. 

All of you are just watching as the shield is drawn up around you, eventually connecting. 

" This is it guys. " Ben says softly. 

" Never figured we'd make it this far. " Lui says. 

Link scoffs, giving him a look. 

" What's that even supposed to mean? " 

" You slept through all your classes. Ben was busy drawing random doodles instead of actually taking notes and Y/N was usually busy bullying Helen- speaking of him, what will you do if you come face to face with him? " Lui asks, turning to face you. 

You shrug, you hadn't thought of that. 

" I don't know, I guess I'll just actively avoid him. " You say, not entirely sure on what to do either. 

" I don't think you can, Y/N. From what happened at Malfoy Manor- I think he'll go looking for you first thing. " Link points out. 

You hum, thinking for a moment. Truth to be told, you're scared. You don't know what'll be of Helen. You know he's definitely done some horrible stuff. And you could barely recognize him when you were locked up with him. 

" Just stay close to any of us. Well all be taking the back flank anyway, right? " Ben suggests. 

" Yeah-" Link starts, however, he's cut off as hundreds of spells hit the shield. 

-

" You'll go looking for L/N, won't you? " Draco asks Helen, who gave him a blank look, before throwing another spell on the shield. 

" Why do you need to know? " 

" I've got to go get something. From Potter. I could use some back up. " 

" Ask your aunt, she seems to quite enjoy herself. " He says, throwing a short glance at Lestrange, who was indeed, having 'fun'. 

The dark lord however, was not, it seemed to be taking too long, and so he finally drew his wand. 

And so, the field collapsed. 

" Look, I doubt Voldemort will win. I just want Y/N. I don't care about him or his fickle obsession with power and eternal life. " Helen spat, before apparating straight into the Great Hall, on his way to you.

-

You're running. Chaos is surrounding you from everywhere. As expected, You've lost Link. Instead you thankfully did find Jeff, Lui's brother. You have no idea who's side he's on if you're honest, but he seems to have your back. So you'll have his for now.

Unbeknownst to you, Helen is already out looking for you. From a distance, he looks untouchable. Like always, he remains unbothered and untouchable, making his way through the crowd without much trouble.

He doesn't look at who he fires a spell, he doesn't care who's friend he just killed, he has his mind set on only one thing. You.

He's done waiting.

He'll do whatever it takes to have you now.

Thankfully, it doesn't take him long to find you. He's less pleased to see you're not alone, instead back to back with Jeff.

He doesn't need to call you before your eyes connect.

You freeze. Jeff turns around to yell at you when he feels you freeze up, but when he turns to see Helen a short distance away, he too freezes.

No one says anything, everything around you happens in slowmotion.

Untill the building starts to rumble.

Jeff is the first to react, running off without second thought. Helen is next, pulling you into him before he leads the two of you away.

He covers you as the roof of the hallway you're stood in breaks, and when he trips over a fallen piece of brick, he makes sure you don't hit the ground.

He holds you close to his body, reveling in the feeling of having you close to him.

After a moment, you finally seem to come to your senses when you get up again. And after a moment of pondering about it, you hold out a hand to Helen.

He takes it without hesitation.

" Y/N I-"

He's interrupted with Voldemort's message. He's withdrawing his forces, calling out to Harry personally this time. By the time he's done, you swallow.

" Seems you have to go." You swallow.

Your grip on his hand loosens, , but his tightens.

" I'm not going anywhere, N/N." He says

You don't know how to reply. Your mind is overrun with opinions and thoughts of him.

Before, you seemed so sure he had gone bad, that he was a terrible person. But now? Everytime you look into his eyes, you feel yourself melt.

Will it be so bad to be a little more selfish and choose for yourself this once? Will it be that bad if you choose for him?

Before you can make a choice, Lui comes running in your direction.

He doesn't seem to care when he spots Helen, and that immediately makes you concerned.

" Y-Y/N, It's Link."

Moments later, you're stood in the make shift infirmary which used to be the Great Hall. There's tears streaming down your face, and you're holding Ben close as the both of you sob together.

Link is laid on a makeshift bed, his eyes closed. He doesn't look peaceful, he looks like he's in pain, something that makes you sob louder.

Helen's watching the scene with sad eyes. Although things between him and his old friends had been tense the past year, he still holds dear memories with Link.

About twenty minutes later, you and Helen are sat on a curb outside. The weather seems to have cleared up the slightest bit and you're tucked into his side, your eyes closed in exhaustion, though you're very much awake.

" Let's run away."

You open your eyes at his words, a few tears escaping as you're stuck in grief.

" W-what? But what about Ben, and Lui, and-"

He wipes your tears as he cuts you off.

" I've told you I would help you escape. I didn't back than. Now is our moment, let's leave the war, N/N. Let's create our own paradise."

You want to say yes. You really, really want to.

But what about your friends?

He kisses the top of your head, before letting go of you and getting up.

" This isn't our fight. It never was. Let's go."

You look at him, studying him for a few minutes.

Will you take it?

[rpedia]

Anonymous asked:  Idk, why. But every time I rp as a guy I sometimes feel uncomfortable or just bored. Especially when it comes to canon characters, I feel like I'm just satisfying my parthers otp/ships with their oc's. And when I try to bring in my others oc's, they're ignored. This happens almost every time with any other person. Do you have any advice?

Usually there’s a reason for stuff like this, so lemme jump to the biggest most extreme conclusion and get that outta the way. If you’re uncomfortable exclusively by the act of playing a gender, or thinking like a gender, and acting like a gender, and feel like you’re just playing a role with no connection to specifically a gender and nothing else... Maybe you don’t want to play/be/act as that gender? I mean, it could be anything setting you off, but this is important to point out, especially with your wording, subconscious though it may be. You don’t have to RP as a guy. It’s okay. Be anything you want, that’s what RP is for. To have fun, and be comfortable, and do what feels good to you. There’s no shame in just saying no to RPing anything. Settings, characters, genders, themes, tropes, even just roleplaying if you’re not in the mood! Roleplay is, again, for fun, and you should probably communicate that you’re no longer having it. That you want to explore other options. I mean this could be as simple as you don’t have chemistry with those partners, to as complex as realizing you may not have a real connection to a specific gender... even IRL. 

Like, I’m not gonna lie, I have seen a large number of people who have realized they identify as something else because they’ve played other genders, tried out the ol’ mental space with RP, and found something that fit them better. Might not be applicable to you, that’s fine. This is a deeply personal decision though, I’m just pointing it out as an aside because some people need that little push to go ‘oh’ and this answer is going to be an open letter to everyone who is in this situation as usual. So hey, it doesn’t have to be too serious, and if questioning your labels isn’t your speed, no issue. Just thought it was wise to point it out, rather than ignore it and pretend it didn’t set off a tiny alarm in my head saying ‘hang on a sec’. So yes, with that out of the way— Of course that’s not the only reason things might feel ‘off’! Like I mention above, there’s plenty of other things, so now that we have a quick ‘I’d be a jerk if I didn’t say this does happen’ out of the way, let’s explore things like chemistry, and why your characters don’t resonate with you personally, but end up seeming to be more for your partner in crime over there. AKA: Playing for other people, and why it doesn’t really work out.

So when you RP a character and they don’t sync with you personally? That’s a big thing buddy! That’s a sign you’re not playing what you love or vibe with. That doesn’t seem like something you should get upset about, we all do stuff that we feel pretty neutral or vaguely bored by for friends and family, but it really really can be draining over time. Playing something deeply out of your personal experience is a fun challenge, but I would never say do that for a long term if you’re not getting comfortable as you do it. You can burn yourself out, by pushing too hard and making so much work for yourself you lose the thread of fun supposedly throughout all RP.

Me? I have trouble with happy, perky characters. I can do it, and I do it well judging by the reaction of people around me, but it just doesn’t feel right. It feels like someone is very slowly spreading me thinner and thinner trying to react against my natural instincts. I know it’s actually another problem that some people feel like they play too many similar characters, but that’s a natural inclination to play something that suits you, so you can give your full attention to the details surrounding that character instead of questioning everything you do. 

Being able to act on auto pilot helps a ton when you want to focus on the important parts, like the plot instead of figuring out how this character would feel if it’s not what you kneejerk understand. Second guessing is hard! As anyone who deals with second guessing everything they do all day: it leads to exhaustion because it’s an extra hidden layer of emotional labor.

So! Why are dudes uncomfortable for you? We’ve got an obvious problem here that an external force (your RP buddies over there) may have trained you to believe that you only have one purpose. That male characters are romance fodder, and have to fall in love with an OC. That your OC’s aren’t important. That’s gonna be a whoooole different problem right there. This is a problem with your RP partner, who is using you to fulfill their happiness. There’s a huge problem with the power dynamic in this OOC relationship, just going by this little snippet.

Your partner should never make you feel like you’re only roleplaying for their sake.  

I’m leaving that line all alone so you can really look at it, and reread it. I’m going to say it again in fact: Your partner should never make you feel like you’re only roleplaying for their sake. There’s various reasons why that’s icky, but I’ll just touch on what stands out to me most. One of those things is that this makes roleplaying a job. 

Instead of letting yourself explore the mind of a character you enjoy, you’ve come to expect that you will follow a certain order of things, and that your job is to fill the emotional labor required of your partner to keep them happy. They respond to you requesting similar emotional labor (which in a healthy relationship should be give-and-take) by ignoring you. This is painful for you, maybe not like getting pinched, but feeling like what you’ve made isn’t good enough? That you’re not good enough by extension because our RP kids are totally extensions of ourselves? That’s unfair. Unfair to you.

However! Even if something seems to be a pattern, like not playing dudes, it’s always good to test run characters from all walks of life. Any character couldn’t be the exception to or that your mood could change. That means, don’t feel guilty if you’ve said “this label doesn’t feel right” for a while, and then you have an exception. It just means it’s an exception, you’re fine. You’re not breaking your own rules, you’re learning more about what works with you.

Finding yourself at a loss with OC’s or characters you enjoy may point to your environment being one that’s hostile to new things. They don’t understand an OC, there’s no blueprint giving them an idea of what to expect. OC’s are also one of the easiest ways for players to get into the game, which means newbies who lack social graces tend to gravitate towards them because ‘there’s no rules to break’ in how they portray them. Unfortunately since they don’t know how to approach others in socially appropriate ways, this gives OC’s a reputation for being awful to play with. They break etiquette, they push too hard, they don’t get why someone may be backing away. This isn’t the OC’s fault, it’s the player, but it’s seen more in OC’s because of ease-of-entry. So... they gain a reputation.

That means approaching on an OC is definitely going to come with people looking for standard red flags, and they’ll need to see you in action long enough to get comfortable with you! You have to be stellar in everything to get attention, and you have to have a hook. Your character has to be stand-out, interesting, and fun. Something people get grabbed by the summary of, so they can emotionally attach to it the same way they did major series, which give a character time to come out of their shell, and audiences time to connect to them. That’s why canons are popular: They bought the time it took to get under people’s skin by having a plot to follow. Without that, OC’s are like hearing about a character from another fandom you’re not interested in.

There’s also, unfortunately, an online beef against the ladies in plot. I’m not gonna sugar coat it, people have gotten it into their heads that girls being roleplayed tend to be shallow, vapid characters designed just for romance. So it can be hard to egt people interested because of stereotypes. The worst part is, I see this stereotype most often from male writers playing women, who have no idea hoiw to treat them as a person, and have instead made them a cardboard cut out designed to reach their goals. This is even worse on adult websites where smut is an option, ladies get the short stick SO often because of years where female characters have been treated as a plot device. 

This goes way back to the idea of a sexy lamp: If your female character can be replaced with a sexy lamp, they aren’t expanded enough on. They aren’t a person. Some of the strongest female characters have been, say, Ripley from Alien. Why? She was a male character in the script, they just didn’t change anything but her gender and rolled with it. Which, duh, worked because women is people. A wild concept for some reason. Can you tell this is something that gets my goat, because baaaa, motherfucker, baaaa.

That means you end up working against a lot of shit to just try and play around and have fun. It can be exhausting, and more than once I’ve seen people give up. Don’t, though. People need to hear your voice. If you’re in a position where things are hard, remember. Trying the same things over and over expecting it to change is just silly. You need to change parts of your approach, whether it be the environment, the people, or simply how you word things. Push back on what’s making you feel bad, and put down boundaries. “If I do this, I would appreciate if you gave back with this.” Ask for space, you deserve space to explore what makes you happy. Say no more often to things you’re not comfortable with. You don’t have any obligation to fit a mold for another person.

Find your comfort zone, and defend it. If that means moving onto a new group of people, or just doing something extraordinary with what you have, or finding a new way to approach stuff, then maybe that’s what you need to do! Spread your wings, and find what makes you happy. Don’t look for advice on how to tamp yourself down into what you feel like you should be doing, if it’s not right for you. Good luck, and Happy RPing!

[ridiasfangirlings]

The clans hang out in an everybody lives au and the conversation gets to love interests. Some don't want to reveal the names of who they like and instead describes them. MikoRei's description of each other sounds like insults, SaruMi doesn't recognize their descriptions, KuroShiro has Shiro having fun with this, and IzuSeri is the only normal one and they weren't hiding the other person's name.

Someone’s gotta be the adults in this conversation okay XD Imagine Everybody Lives AU and maybe the cast are having like a meeting at Shiro’s dorm just to go over the state of things in the post-Slate world. As they’re talking Neko comes in, having just finished up her classes for the day, and she attaches herself to Shiro as she asks if they’re having ‘girl talk.’ Kukuri was telling her about this, that everyone sits in a big ring and discusses their love lives and other things. Shiro says this isn’t quite the same but he would be happy to discuss his love life, he has a beautiful wife who cooks him delicious meals every day. Neko is intrigued by the food part but curious about the ‘wife’ mention, Kuroh steps out of the kitchen and clears his throat as he menacingly states that he perhaps has interest in someone but that person should learn to be more conscious of the one making his food. Shiro laughs sheepishly like oops upset the wife, Kuroh sighs and says it’s difficult dealing with a useless husband, all while Neko looks between the two of them in confusion.

Munakata suggests they get back to the task at hand but Shiro thinks this is nice, isn’t it good to just discuss personal things and get to know each other better sometimes. He wonders if Munakata has anyone he’s interested in and Munakata states that the only person occupying his thoughts regularly is a certain troublesome barbarian. Mikoto thinks that’s an awfully nasty thing for Munakata to say but he gets it, he’s got a lot on his plate dealing with a stuffed shirt kind of guy who always gives lectures and can’t admit that he’s wrong.

Shiro decides maybe he should change the subject before they start fighting and destroy his dorm, he looks around for a rescue and his eyes rest on Yata. Yata of course gets all red at the mention of romance, coughing and looking nervous as he admits well there is someone, this really amazing guy but he’s kinda hard to deal with and always oblivious about these kinds of things so it’s hard to talk to him. Fushimi clicks his tongue and says of course an idiot like Misaki wouldn’t be able to handle anyone with more depth than a swimming pool and Yata’s like oh yeah well who do you like then. Fushimi snorts and says he doesn’t care about stupid things like romance, but if he did maybe there’s a sunshine idiot with a stupid smile out there that he could handle if that person ever stopped being a moron for one minute. Yata’s all surprised like wait so you do have a crush on someone who is it while Fushimi says that’s none of Yata’s business and doesn’t Yata have a crush on someone else too. Shiro also has to stop them before another fight can happen, even as he mutters under his breath ‘it’s—it’s really obvious for both of you, you know.’

Finally he turns to Awashima and Kusanagi, both of whom are drinking tea and waiting to get back to business talk. Shiro asks about who they like, surely Kusanagi is the type of person that gets a lot of attention. Kusanagi slowly looks up from his cup and then laughs a little as he admits that he and Awashima are already dating. Shiro’s actually caught off guard because hey someone said it right out, he tries to ask Awashima and she just calmly says ‘yes, we’re dating.’ There’s a long silence as everyone collectively realizes that mature adults are really something huh. 

[moonlightswritingandstuff]

it's gonna hurt like hell, but we're gonna be well (i'll give you my best shot)

It's been five years since Bianca has seen Rachel is person. She just got on a plane all the way to California to see Rachel on some mysterious impulse. But Bianca's never been able to forget Rachel's smile, so maybe she can get something out of this.

read on ao3!

"Bianca?" is the first thing Rachel says when she opens the door to her wife.

"Rachel. It's been a while."

"It's been years. Why are you here?"

"I... just had to leave."

"You came across the country. And why me?"

"I don't know, okay?"

"Did you do any planning?"

"Uh, sort of. But-"

"Just stay with me," Rachel says, and rolls her eyes. "I have a spare room."

"Thanks."

"Besides, it's two am in the morning. What's that for you, five am? Just go to sleep."

"See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow, I guess."

«»

“So. Why are you here?”

Bianca takes a sip of her coffee. It’s perfect, despite the incredible specificities that she likes. “You made my coffee perfect.”

“I’m not in the habit of disappointing guests. But onto the point. Why are you here?”

“I got tired.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. Everything. Being Nico and Hazel’s perfect sister. Doing everything for them.”

Choosing them over you, she doesn’t say.

“You’ve been doing it for years. What changed?”

“I don’t know," Bianca says. "Maybe it's Nico wanting children and wanting me to be the perfect aunt for them. Maybe it's that... I don't know."

Rachel nods, and there’s something different in her eyes. Softer, maybe. With an ache, Bianca realizes that’s a pale imitation of how Rachel used to look at her.

Maybe this won’t be so bad.

“You can stay here,” Rachel says. “We’re still legally married, after all.”

“Thanks.”

Rachel nods, her close-clipped and brightly painted nails drumming on the table in a manner that would’ve been so familiar to Bianca years ago but is now as distant as what five years and a million little mistakes could’ve created.

“What’re you doing now?” Bianca asks suddenly. It’s odd, but Bianca finds that she really does want to know what’s going on.

“Not much,” Rachel says. “My art’s gotten big, I guess. I get a decent amount of museums wanting to display my work in modern art galleries. I have a few pieces loaned out to the Tate Modern. My father’s company is now mine and I’ve been trying to get it to turn around and be… better. It’s not actually that hard to be eco-friendly. I’ve been using my influence to try to make it better.”

Bianca smiles.

“And you?” Rachel finishes, almost lamely, like she doesn’t know what else to say.

“Music’s still making me some money, but lawyering is still my main profession. I’ve been helping abuse victims — working with Percy.”

“How’s he doing?”

“Good. Got married, well, eloped. Didn’t want a huge wedding. Or one at all. His social work is doing well, too.”

“Oh, I never took Annabeth as someone who didn’t want a wedding.”

“He didn’t marry Annabeth.”

“Oh, really? I always thought it would be her.”

“Me, too. Up until the moment they broke up, four years ago.”

“So, who’s he married to?”

“One of Drew’s coworkers when she was doing the solo at the Phillharmonic Orchestra a few years back. Plays the cello. She’s a lot like Annabeth in some ways and a lot unlike her in others.”

“I’m glad he’s happy. What about Drew?”

“She’s the only person who knew I was leaving. She’s doing great.”

“Being called one of the best violinists in the world, hey?”

“Yeah. I’m proud. And what’s going on with you?”

Rachel sips at her tea. “Mostly what I said. Katie and Travis are living their happily-ever-after. Two kids, now.”

“That’s nice for them.”

“What’s going on with you, anyway?”

“Not much. I haven’t cheated or anything.”

Rachel snorts. “I’d hardly count dating someone now as cheating, but I suppose I haven’t ‘cheated’.”

“I suppose it isn’t. We’re separated in all but name, anyway.”

“Yeah.”

The apartment smells of lavender, and Bianca doesn’t say that she still wonders what went wrong with them. Maybe it was the distance. Maybe they weren’t, aren’t, the type of couple to make it out.

Maybe, just like her, Rachel still can’t bear the idea of divorcing each other. Even after all this time. Even after all this distance.

Bianca’s never been able to forget the way Rachel smiles, after all.

«»

Bianca’s got work — she’s never been one to not plan, and there’s, unfortunately, always someone who needs to escape a terrible situation. She starts on her new case and the paperwork piles up once more. It’s not altogether terrible, and in fact, Bianca enjoys it. She’s helping people.

Rachel’s penthouse has an excellent view of the sea, and in summer, it’s as close to idyllic as it could get.

Plenty of inspiration for Rachel’s painting.

It’s just, Bianca used to be the one Rachel would sketch and paint. She remembers coming across a sketchbook of Rachel’s full of just Bianca herself, pages made entirely of pencil and nothing else of Bianca’s profile and front in loving detail.

But Bianca remembers that she used to write music about Rachel, music in which she described Rachel’s eyes and their multitudes and everything, music in which she told Rachel she’d love her no matter what — even if they had no words, Bianca likes to think they conveyed the sense of it all.

And they both know how that ended.

But what’s done is done. No use in changing what’s already happened.

“Let’s go out,” Rachel says. “You’re in California. I thought the purpose was to leave it all behind.”

“Yes, but…”

Rachel rolls her eyes. “Still haven’t left the workaholic tendencies?”

“No. Work’s important.”

Rachel smiles. “It won’t kill you to get out once in a while. C’mon, let’s go.”

Bianca lets Rachel drag her outside, to some botanical, well-kept garden. It's an aching reminder of the dates they used to have, but slightly skewed. Rachel brings her sketchbook, just like always, and makes thumbnails of various flowers and displays – the lavender, the gladiolus, a butterfly Rachel stops to draw because she thinks its blue colour is lovely, and it is, especially detailed through Rachel’s coloured pencils.

"Do you still obsess over plants as much as you used to?" Rachel asks, a reminder of how well Rachel used to know Bianca. Plants weren't something Bianca talked to just anyone about.

"Yes."

"Tell me about them."

"Those are tiger lilies," Bianca says, pointing. "USDA hardiness zones three to nine, perennial. They symbolize, depending on who you ask, mercy, compassion, wealth, prosperity, courage, or pride. Originating in Asia, they bloom in late summer to early fall."

"And those ones?" Rachel asks, pointing to roses of all things.

"Those are roses. I'd suppose you know about them already."

"Tell me about them anyway."

"Usually perennial, can live in most conditions. Usually mean love, especially red roses, and yellow roses represent friendship. Briar roses and some hybrids can have aromatic scents."

And so they go through the botanical garden, Rachel sketches more, and Bianca tells her about the plants. It's so achingly familiar that Bianca gets déjà vu.

"Do you want to get food at some point?"

"It's nearing five," Bianca says. "Sure, why not."

They get takeout. It's good, and it reminds Bianca of what she used to have, back when she and Rachel were first married and lived in California. Lived where Bianca's now staying.

Bianca never should've left. But she'll admit it. She was never not going to leave.

It's been years since Bianca was a child, a decade and a half. She can admit things she couldn't earlier. And one of those is that Bianca regrets leaving Rachel for Nico and Hazel. Bianca has always prioritized her younger siblings over anything else, and it's not recent, the bitter taste that leaves in her mouth.

But Bianca's here now. With Rachel.

Maybe she should stop hiding. But it's Rachel. But there's Nico. And Hazel. And everything else she can’t say and can’t name.

«»

That night, Bianca gets a call from Nico.

"Drew told me that you up and left for California."

"I did. Did you just notice? It's been a few days since I left."

"We don't talk that often, Bianca."

He's lying. Bianca and Nico talk every other day. He's just not used to Bianca doing something this impulsive. He's just not used to Bianca doing something for herself. And he doesn't even realize it.

He never has, she notes, with no shortage of bitterness.

"I suppose not."

"Why did you leave?" Nico's voice is angry, but it's a little grainy through the phone, and if Bianca tries hard enough, she can pretend that it isn’t Nico saying this. That it isn’t her little brother.

"I don't know."

"And Rachel? You haven't talked in years!"

"We talked five minutes ago."

"Bianca-"

"Hold it, Nico."

She hangs up. Puts her phone aside. She can't deal with this right now.

Nico calls again. The apartment's quiet, Rachel's out for a late-night painting class she teaches. The phone rings, a fake sounding noise that reverberates across the empty apartment. Nico's contact reads 'baby brother' because it pisses Nico off and Bianca is so, so tired.

Hazel will call soon, as soon as Nico gives up getting her to listen to him. Hazel will call because Nico will tell her to. Hazel will call because she's concerned about Bianca.

Drew is too, Bianca knows. But Drew knows Bianca, better than Bianca knows herself. Drew only smiled and told Bianca to go for it when Bianca told her she was leaving.

Drew knows exactly how Bianca feels about Rachel.

Bianca could really go for a chat with her.

But on cue, the minute Nico's calls stop coming, Hazel's start.

Bianca puts her phone on silent, puts it in her bag, and continues working on her case. She's getting the case declared self-defence if she dies trying.

Bianca's good at this. She always has been. She's suffered through too much research and too much deliberation to not be.

But just as Bianca starts the get back into her work, the door opens, and Rachel comes in, singing.

It's an old song, certainly. One Bianca remembers Rachel loving.

Rachel's always had a pretty voice. Bianca's always been an alto, dipping into contralto, but Rachel has a high soprano. Bianca would be lying to say she didn't miss it all the time.

Bianca would be lying to say she didn't miss Rachel all the time.

Suddenly, Rachel's singing is brought to an abrupt stop.

"Oh, I forgot you're here," Rachel says sheepishly.

"It's fine," Bianca says. “You’re not used to me here.”

“I suppose not.”

Rachel hums, taking her hair out of the band that barely kept it together anyways.

Bianca goes back to her work, and a few minutes later, Rachel places the most perfect cup of tea on Bianca’s desk, just the way she likes it. Mint tea with a generous amount of lavender honey.

Well, Bianca hasn’t drunk her tea with lavender honey since… since she felt actually married to Rachel.

“Thanks for the tea,” Bianca says. “It’s perfect.”

Bianca can hear the smile in Rachel’s voice. “I know.”

«»

The next day, Bianca goes shopping. She figures she should get something for Rachel. After all, she has to put up with Bianca.

She first stops at a candle store. Rachel loves candles, Bianca remembers distantly — she used to get Rachel candleholders. Floral scented, lavender. Her favourites. Well, the years must have changed things, but Bianca still loves her lavender honey, and her coffee that precise way.

And then she goes to a florist.

Rachel’s favourite flowers are carnations, heliotrope, and forget-me-nots. Bianca decides to go with pink carnations, purple heliotrope, and blue forget-me-nots, along with white yarrow. She hopes it’ll make Rachel happy. She always likes flowers. As a last minute decision, Bianca adds lavender to the bunch.

"Got someone you're thinking of?" the florist asks, her almost luminous green eyes (that distantly remind Bianca of Rachel) lighting up and a smirk decorating her face.

"Sort of," Bianca replies, looking down at her name plate. Lou Ellen, it reads.

So she walks back to the apartment, putting in the code, up to the top floor. With her family's money, Rachel easily affords the penthouse.

It's odd. This is so familiar. Bianca used to do this same thing every day.

And now she lives in New York, across the country.

Bianca loves New York more than she ever loved California. But she can't say that she misses New York.

Rachel fits better in California then when they were in university in New York, she thinks, with a sudden pang. They left for California for a reason.

But the elevator dings and Bianca arrives at the top floor, walking to their door and opening it. Rachel's cooking something, the smell weighing down the air. The scene is so unbearably domestic, just like how they used to be.

Rachel turns when Bianca arrives, cooking momentarily forgotten. "Oh! Flowers? And candles?"

"Kind of like a thanks-for-putting-up-with-me gift," Bianca explains.

Rachel smiles. "I love them. But you didn't have to get it for me. I wouldn't... not put up with you."

Bianca smiles back, and she goes to the cabinet to get a vase worthy of them. The kitchen is still organized the way that it used to be, five years ago. The déjà vu grows more poignant.

"I'm almost done dinner," Rachel says. "It's chicken. Mostly easy."

"Thanks," Bianca says, because she feels like she has to. "It's fine. Chicken’s great."

And it stirs up a memory. Second date, Bianca got sick, so Rachel came over to her terrible student living and made chicken, of all things. Maria, Bianca’s mother, hated chicken, for whatever reason, so it was the first time Bianca really had chicken.

Until that day with Rachel.

Bianca will admit, she doesn’t like chicken all that much.

But Rachel’s already hosting, and Bianca doesn’t really want to protest.

“Dinner is ready,” Rachel says, softly, as if she’s afraid of disturbing Bianca.

“Thanks," Bianca replies, putting her things away, all the paper back in its folders and into her four-inch binder.

When Rachel serves the food, dinner turns into a quiet affair. It's not awkward — thank the sea and stars — but it is silent. The sunset streams through the windows, and Rachel is still so beautiful in the golden light.

Gold suits her.

Gold suits Rachel, unlike Bianca, whose complexion has always left more for silver than for gold. Gold suits Rachel the way that green does.

Bianca's reminded of their wedding dresses. Bianca wore all black and silver, Rachel in white and gold. It was a little pointless, a little fanciful, but it made great pictures and greater happiness.

But that is far behind her now. That's far behind both of them.

The fresh flowers Bianca got Rachel are on the table, as beautiful as they will ever be. The almond-like scent of heliotrope is faint, the clove-like carnations likewise, but the lavender is pungent compared to them, and not only for the flowers, but also from the fact that Rachel burns the candle Bianca got her that afternoon.

It's in an old candleholder, and it is almost familiar. Well, it is, it's just that Bianca hasn't seen it since... five years ago. But Bianca, in the deep recesses of her memory, remembers it. It was a one-year anniversary gift, painted cream and accented with lavender flowers. Bianca supposes Rachel decided to match them.

But it's so eerily similar to how things used to be. Bianca is sitting and eating in a meal strangely reminiscent of the ones that they used to have before she left.

Bianca could write a piece about this. She can already picture a string quartet — soft violin and soothing cello and viola to balance it all out. Or a piano trio, with a piano and a violin and a cello.

She looks up at Rachel, only to see Rachel looking at her.

"Do I have something on my face?" Bianca asks, because, in all honesty, Bianca cannot think of another reason.

"Oh, no," Rachel says, and looks away. "It's nothing."

«»

The next day, Bianca calls Drew. Drew's voice is grainy through the phone, but by every god to have ever existed, Bianca misses her.

"So. How's Rachel?"

"She's good."

"There's more to the story, I'm sure."

"You know me so well."

"Of course I do, hon. We've been friends for how many years?"

"Too many."

"You sell me short. Anyway, what is going on? Nico and Hazel are in panic mode because you're responding to precisely none of their calls."

"I don't want to."

"Good for you — honestly. Put yourself first for once. Not your career, and definitely not your siblings."

“I can’t just… not take care of them.”

“Sure you can. They’re adults. You can rekindle your relationship with your wife.”

“She’s not really my…”

“Anyone can see you wish she really was,” Drew replies. “Besides, everyone’s fine. Go get your marital bliss or whatever.”

Bianca blushes. “Drew. Tanaka.”

“Bianca. Di. Angelo.”

“I don't... She doesn't..."

"Sure she doesn't. If you can't do everything again, just be friends. Trust me. It'll be better."

"Thanks, Drew."

"And call Hazel. She's better about this than Nico is, you know."

"Fine."

"I have to go — practice is in thirty minutes, and I still need to get there."

"See you."

"Cya. Hope you get it sorted out."

"Thanks."

The phone clicks off. Drew's busy, she always has been. She travels for her soloing work – everyone wants the best violinist in the world – and Bianca and her catch up when they can. Drew’s home base is New York, but Bianca hopes that, if she is to stay in California, that Drew can get a position here for a while.

Bianca pauses. Thinks about Drew's advice. She's usually right about these things – relationships come so easy to her. But Drew hasn't seen Rachel in years, either. But she has seen Hazel recently.

Bianca knows Hazel should be free around now. She picks up the phone, and dials Hazel's number.

Hazel picks up on the second rung. "Bianca? Oh my, we were so worried. Nico and I, that is. This is so unlike you."

"Hi, Hazel. Everything's fine. I'm just..."

"You miss Rachel."

"Yeah." Bianca doesn't have the energy — or the will — to tell Hazel the truth.

"Nico says hi, so does Lavinia. We miss you, but if it makes you happier, stay in California. I'm just... surprised that you would do this."

"I didn't expect it of myself either."

Bianca can hear Hazel's smile on her voice. "The most unexpected is sometimes the best. That being said, nothing much has changed, if anything truly ever changes."

"When have you gotten philosophical on me?"

"Since getting the philosophy degree, obviously."

"Going for the doctorate?"

"Obviously. Lavinia makes enough money that I don't have to worry about it — and from what we have from Father, it's fine. Plus, I could be a professor!”

"That's good. I'll... probably be back soon."

"We miss you."

"I miss all of you, too."

"Have fun down in California, Bianca. I'll see you whenever you come back."

"I'll see you then, too."

The phone clicks off, and Bianca sighs. She hates that she doesn't know what to say to Hazel. She hates that she doesn't know what to say to Rachel. She hates that Drew was right.

Drew's voice rings in her head as it says, "I'm always right."

Bianca snorts to herself. She'd counter with that one time in university when Drew bombed a test, but Drew's not here, and Bianca just has the silent apartment to herself.

One of Rachel's sketchbooks lies on the kitchen table. Bianca recognizes it — it's the one that Rachel brought when they went to the botanical garden.

Bianca, on some odd whim, opens it. She knows she shouldn’t – artists’ work should be their own. But she can’t help herself.

The first page is lovingly detailed drawings of lavender, beautiful and as realistic, and different flowers decorate the pages after it, until one page gives Bianca a pause.

It's herself. It's Bianca, in rendered radiance. The drawing of herself has a small smile on her face as she looks down. Her bangs hang over her face and her hair is in a ponytail. It's achingly real, and Bianca sees herself in it.

Is this how Rachel sees her? She doesn't know, but Bianca feels like she's intruding on a private moment.

She closes the sketchbook, but its drawing bothers her for the rest of the day, for some inexplicable reason that Bianca cannot name.

«»

Bianca makes breakfast the next day. She's not the best cook in the world, but at least she's better than Nico. And her father was never one to cook (and neither was her stepmother, come to think of it), so Bianca would cook, and then Hazel, who was always better than her.

Pancakes were always a family favourite, especially when their parents would go away, and it would just be Bianca, Nico, and Hazel.

Bianca remembers that Rachel also loves pancakes.

Or, she did. But Bianca's pretty sure everyone loves pancakes. So.

As Bianca makes the pancakes, she admires the apartment around her. Rachel's made a dedication to paint all of the walls, as it seems — she started when Bianca still lived with her. Back, a million years ago, when they still lived together. There's flowers along one wall, abstract shapes along another, some fabric pinned to create a beautiful mural of some kind of abstractness with some things that look oddly familiar to Bianca.

Everything here feels so Rachel that Bianca being there feels a violation of the space in itself.

But there are things that remind Bianca of herself, too. Things that Rachel hasn't bothered to get rid of in the years since Bianca's been gone.

The kitchen's still organized the exact same way. There's still a stupid smiley face made with Posca paint pens on one of the backing tiles, a heart with Bianca's signature curved tails, next to one of Rachel's little anatomically realistic hearts (because Rachel couldn't do anything halfway, and Bianca dared her as a joke).

The kitchen tiles were the first that they decided to do that on, and some of the paint has chipped. But Bianca's stupid little doodles that don't even look good sit right next to Rachel's masterpieces. They'd laugh and paint and cry all the same.

It used to be so easy. Bianca didn't care because it was Rachel and that meant everything and nothing all the same.

"Bianca?" Rachel asks groggily, from the door to her bedroom.

"I'm making pancakes."

"Thanks."

"Of course."

The pancakes are done soon enough. Time is no longer an issue to Bianca, for whatever reason. But with her case soon drawing to a close, Bianca's slightly afraid of having to go back to New York.

The realization that she doesn't want to go back to New York is an epiphany Bianca never thought would happen. The realization that she wants to stay with Rachel is even more of one.

But Bianca has a week. A week before she leaves and everything goes back to how it impossibly was before.

That weighs bitterly on her tongue, like the coating of forgotten pomegranate seeds, fermented as to invoke disgust.

"Bianca?" Rachel asks. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just thinking."

"About what?"

Now Bianca just needs to come up with a convincing lie. "A hot dog is a sandwich."

"Oh, really? I think that categorizing things in categories like that is inherently ambiguous."

"It may be, but categorizing things helps bring peace of mind."

"Stuffing things into categories just makes the boxes too big."

Bianca admits that it's kind of nice to argue with Rachel again, about silly and meaningless things.

«»

The court case will take longer than Bianca expects, as is obvious from the get-go. Bianca has the evidence, though, but the prosecution is much more adamant than Bianca thought it'd be.

Never mind that. Bianca is not altogether terrible at this. She's definitely not the best, but she's good, and she's determined. Every case takes a lot out of her — her faith in humanity, for one — but in the end, it's always worth it.

Is anything ever not?

(Bianca knows seeing Rachel again is worth it. Bianca also, impossibly, knows leaving her was worth it, too.)

But she's at court for most of the day, going home (she shudders at how easily Rachel's apartment has become her home once more), cooking dinner (it's the least she can do), and talking to Rachel, sometimes long into the night.

And so her week goes.

The flowers Bianca bought wilt a little, their smell waning as Bianca's time in California draws to a close. Conversation comes easily now, and Bianca would be lying if she said it wasn't comfortable, if she said that leaving wouldn't hurt.

(Bianca won't admit it, but she's been falling love with Rachel all over again.)

But the week passes too fast, too quickly, and suddenly the case is done (and won) and Bianca is set to leave in a few days' time.

"You're leaving," Rachel states, as only she can, a day before Bianca leaves. The lavender candle is burning, and it smells like lavender throughout the apartment.

"I've got to go back to New York," Bianca says, willing herself not to cry. This isn't sad. Rachel will move on, just like she did before. Rachel hasn't been falling in love with Bianca all over again.

"What if," Rachel hesitates, and Bianca doesn't dare hope, "I don't want you to leave?"

"What?"

"Sorry, just ignore it," Rachel says, all in a hurry, like the words are a fire that catches too quickly.

"I'm not going to," Bianca replies, as if that could change anything. "I'll tell you a secret. I don't want to leave, either."

"Then don't."

"I won't."

That afternoon, Bianca cancels her flight and stays with Rachel.

«»

They don't talk about it. They don't talk about how Bianca decided to start another case, to stay. They don't talk about how Rachel didn't want her to leave. They talk around it, anything else, because Bianca isn't quite sure she's ready for that conversation and she doubts Rachel is either.

But Bianca knows they have to talk about it eventually.

She doesn't want to. Instead, she calls Drew.

"I'm not going back," Bianca says. "Rachel and I agree — I'm staying in California."

"No duh," Drew says. "That's great, though. Glad you're staying with Rachel — chase your own happiness."

"How do I tell Hazel and Nico?"

"Text message, or whatever. You've got to tell them, but it'll be fine. Let's focus on you and Rachel, though. Back together?"

"No."

Bianca can hear Drew's sigh through the phone, through the static. "Just admit it. You're in love with her, she's probably in love with you. She wanted you to stay."

"We haven't talked about it."

"Hon. You're never going to if you don't do it as soon as possible. You're going to be in the 'pining roommates' stage forever. And you’re married! I don't want to be hard on you, but please."

"I know," Bianca says, hoping Drew can hear her rolling her eyes all the way in New York. "What do you know of romance anyway?"

"My mother writes romance novels for a living. They're incredibly lucrative."

"That means nothing. You would rather drink glass than read one of her novels."

"Would you rather I get your auntie Hera on call?"

"No! That would be even worse!"

Drew laughs. "What I'm saying is, just give it a chance. If it doesn't work out, you come back to New York. Why keep waiting? You've been waiting for this for five years. You can't keep waiting because eventually Nico might have another accident, or Hazel might, or they both want you back, and you don't know how to not help you siblings constantly. Just do it for yourself."

"I didn't ask to be psychoanalyzed."

"I'm your best friend. It's my job."

Bianca sighs. "I'll talk to her."

"Good."

"How's your newest piece?"

"I hate Paganini," Drew announces. "I always have, I always will. They want me to do a show, with like one piano accompaniment, at Carnegie Hall. I would rather kill myself."

"You're not called the best violinist in the world for nothing, you know."

"Yeah, but I've been doing his Variations on God Save the Queen for three days now and I want to resurrect and kill him."

"And just how good are you so far?"

"I've started memorizing it," Drew mutters, as if ashamed.

"Exactly. You're insane."

"So was Paganini."

Bianca pauses, hoping Drew can hear her raised eyebrow in the pause.

"Shut up," Drew says. "Anyway, go call Nico or Hazel or text them or whatever."

"Drew."

"Bianca."

"Fine."

"Goodbye!" Drew calls, before hanging up, "Remember to tell your siblings!"

The phone clicks off, and Bianca is left in the apartment, the smell of lavender seeping into the air.

She sighs. Drew's right, as seems to be all too often recently, and she calls Hazel.

It takes three rings of hollow sound for Hazel to pick up.

"Hey, Bianca," Hazel says. "You're at the airport?"

"Actually," Bianca wills herself not to cry, "I'm staying in California."

"With Rachel?"

"With Rachel."

"That's good. See you at Christmastime, or sometime soon?"

"When I can."

"I'll tell Nico," Hazel says suddenly. "Don't worry about it."

"Thanks."

"Of course. Have fun with Rachel."

"I will."

Hazel hangs up. It's odd — it was a short call, but there was so much there. Hazel doesn't sound mad, but then again, she has always been good at concealing her emotions.

Bianca knows Nico's going to be upset. But she'll stay anyways. Suddenly, a country away, Bianca doesn’t care about Nico’s emotions as much as she cares about Rachel’s presence. Which is odd because she wants to start over with Rachel.

But Bianca also knows, in the back of her mind, that that may never happen. But Bianca has always been one to want to be given life in all its pain and beauty.

«»

Bianca buys flowers for Rachel again, as the other ones go to waste. Blue cumins, blue hyacinths, white baby's breath, white daisies, and purple lavender. She can't help but hope that Rachel will like it.

Rachel wants you to stay, the annoying voice in Bianca's head that sounds suspiciously like Drew whispers. She'll be delighted in anything you get her.

Bianca ignores that voice, and stresses anyway.

Because she's bringing these flowers as a reminder of what they need to talk about. She's bringing these flowers to hopefully soften the blow that Bianca still loves Rachel.

So she goes back to the apartment with flowers, in a bouquet. Jane Austen put it best when she said I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever, and so on. Especially, I have loved none but you.

But Bianca is no writer, no artist. Unlike Rachel, Bianca has never been able to draw inspiration from the world, and turn it to silvery honey on paper. Music has always been easier. Bianca doesn't even write lyrics. It's all violet and flute and piano and whatever else catches her fancy — things Drew and her siblings Valentina and Mitchell can play, but that no one can sing.

Maybe when this is all over, Bianca can write a piece for it. Maybe a piano trio. Or a string quartet. Something about Rachel and her. That sounds about right — it can end in heartbreak or romance, depending on how Rachel response, Bianca supposes.

But never mind that.

She arrives at the apartment a little after when she means to. Bianca got the flowers just before dinner, and Rachel and her decided to go out that day, anyway.

Her palms are sweaty, it's like a first date, but slightly to the left. Rachel's as beautiful as ever, a little nervous, though, her hand fiddling with her dress. Bianca's still able to read Rachel well after all these years, but she still wonders why Rachel's nervous at all.

They get Chinese food, the kind that's really, really good, but only because Rachel knows where to go. She takes Bianca to a place that is almost achingly familiar, and the old Chinese lady behind the counter smiles at Rachel and Bianca. Her name's... Eleanor, some recess of Bianca's mind reminds her.

"You're back," she says, nodding at Bianca.

"I am," Bianca says, smiling back.

The food's great, and conversation ends up filling the air between Rachel and Bianca. They're still putting off the big conversation to come.

Never mind that. The food's great.

"I was thinking that maybe you'd like to help paint the new walls?" Rachel asks. "I'd like you to."

"I am altogether terrible at art, but I'd love to help."

Rachel smiles. "Also. Do you want to have dinner with Katie and Travis at some point? Their two kids will be there, but I think that you need to be re-introduced."

"Of course."

They're putting it off. Rachel knows. Bianca knows. Maybe it's because they don't want to have that conversation and all it entails. Maybe it's because Rachel doesn't want to break Bianca's heart again. But whatever it is, Bianca feels even worse by the time that they leave the restaurant and head back.

Or, well, they don't. Instead, Rachel takes Bianca to an oceanside boardwalk. It's late, and there are no stars, but the city lights are a good enough substitute. It smells like lavender.

"We, uh, need to talk about something," Rachel says.

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

The stagnancy hangs in the air. Unlike before, Bianca decides to do something about it.

"I'm still in love with you," she says, all out in a rush, like the words are spilling from the sky in fat rain droplets that come one after the other.

"Thank any and every god," Rachel breathes.

"Sorry?"

"I was about to say the same thing."

Bianca grins, and suddenly she can't stop laughing.

"Why did this take so long?"

"I don't know."

"I never should have left."

"Well, you can remedy that now."

"Really?"

"Just kiss me."

And so Bianca does. It's not perfect, but it's been years, and so it's as perfect as it could be.

«»

Bianca doesn’t stop smiling, even as she wakes up.

She slept late, and Rachel's already gone, an early commitment for her art. Just so she doesn't worry, there's a little note in Rachel's curvy handwriting on the bedside table. Hope it wasn't too jarring waking up. I'll be back around eleven for lunch! — Rachel (P.S. we probably still need to have a conversation, but I don't think the direction it goes will be a surprise.), it reads.

Bianca smiles at it, and the clock reads 9:36. She has an hour and a half before Rachel comes back, and she can't stop smiling.

Bianca doesn't usually eat breakfast, just a cup of coffee, and she decides to call Drew.

"Bianca?" Drew says, over the phone. "What's up?"

"Rachel and I talked," Bianca replies, trying to keep the childish giddiness out of her voice.

"Oh, great. How was it?"

"Great! We still need to have a bigger conversation about what we're doing now, but..."

Bianca can hear Drew smiling. "Great. I told you it'd happen."

"You were right."

"I'm always right, hon."

"Remember that time you lost two truths and a lie, badly?"

"Shut up. Congrats, though. Want me to tell your siblings?"

"No, that would be terrible. I'll tell them, I promise."

"Good. I'm having lunch with Valentina very soon, though, so I have to go, but you're telling me all the details later."

"Talk to you later."

"Absolutely."

The phone clicks off, and Bianca smiles. Maybe that's what Drew and her relationship will be reduced to now — short calls made to update each other on small things. Bianca can live with that. Bianca can live with a lot of things.

But it's around twelve thirty in New York right now — Drew has always liked late lunches — and Hazel and Nico are both bound to be busy, so Bianca holds off calling them.

It's odd. It's almost like a cycle. Bianca was born in Italy, but she soon came to New York, and then California for her law degree. Then she married Rachel and stayed here, until Nico's accident, in which she went back to New York.

And now she's in California. The two cities that could tell Bianca's life story are Los Angeles and New York City, in equal and opposite measures.

But Bianca wouldn't trade her life for anything, now.

And she needs to call Nico. Because he's her little brother, and no matter how upset she gets with him, and no matter how upset he gets with her, Nico is Bianca's only full sibling. That's not to say she isn't close with Hazel, but there are some things that Nico understands that Hazel cannot — like emigrating from Italy. Like the memories of their mother that Bianca finds comforting.

Bianca thinks Maria would've liked Rachel. She always has.

«»

Rachel comes home with flowers. Bianca’s favourite, lavender, and flowerless southernwood and blue salvia and baby’s breath to tie it all together.

“Figured I should get you flowers, too,” she says, smiling almost sheepishly, if Bianca tilts her head slightly and lets herself believe it.

Bianca takes the flowers and puts them into a vase. “I thought I was supposed to be the one to bring flowers.”

“Hey now, I can’t offer you that advantage. I also need to flaunt my wonderful taste in flowers.”

“Naturally,” Bianca replies. “Alternate weeks?”

“Alternate weeks,” Rachel agrees, then pauses. Bianca lets her take her time. “Speaking of, we’re… doing this?”

“Trying again?”

“Yeah.”

“We are,” Bianca says. “Or, I hope we are.”

“We are.”

“Promise I won’t leave again.”

“You better not.”

Bianca laughs, Rachel joining her, and she can smell the lavender.

[themculibrary]

First Kiss Masterlist

A Groove of Perpetual Motion (ao3) - Annie D (scaramouche) steve/tony T, 26k

Summary: Tony Stark’s pretty sure where he stands with Steve Rogers. They got off on the wrong foot on day one, and since then there’s been minimal tolerance and thinly-veiled dislike between them. Tony’s certain that this would never ever change, not even when he gains some unexpected new information that suggests that Steve’s feelings for him aren’t what he thought. Because it cannot be true. It’s impossible. Surely?

and here, my love, we linger (ao3) - glittercake sam/bucky M, 9k

Summary: "You're an idiot," Sam says, suddenly very serious.

Bucky swallows and brings his hand up to trace along the hem of Sam's untucked shirt.

They're looking each other dead in the eye. So so close.

Sam's eyes flick up to Bucky's, and he says, "I haven't laughed like that since… Since he—"

"Since what, Sam," Bucky pleads. He wants to know this. He wants Sam to be okay again, to be able to talk about Riley.

But Sam never talks about Riley.

belonging (ao3) - lovages sam/bucky T, 10k

Summary: Sam’s no fool, he knows what’s going on. As he catches his breath, he sees the beginning of a dance between his sister and Bucky.

Bucky isn’t flirting, per se. But he is being extremely charming. Slick son of a bitch.

Breaking Routine (ao3) - Fool_for_love sam/bucky N/R, 5k

Summary: Sam and Bucky don’t get along. Sam annoys the hell out of Bucky, and Bucky drives Sam up the wall. But Sam is the only person who understands Bucky, now that Steve is gone, so they live together. They've established a routine- arguing, missions, and watching baking shows. Bucky likes routine. That routine is broken when Sam goes out with an old... friend... from the VA. Bucky should be thrilled that Sam is annoying someone else for a change. So why does he feel so jealous?

Drop Your Defenses (ao3) - MarvelsAssbutts carol/maria T, 2k

Summary: After several incidents involving Carol getting in between Maria and a potential date, Maria decides she's had enough and confronts Carol outside of Pancho's.

Expect As Much From You (ao3) - GotTheSilver steve/tony E, 5k

Summary: Written for the prompt: "Avengers, Tony Stark/Steve Rogers, when Tony was little he wanted to grow up to be Captain America."

Also known as: Tony Stark knows he has issues, but he's trying, okay?

flowers you keep when you work at a flower shop (ao3) - peculiarblue mj/peter G, 9k

Summary: a series of nights peter visits mj at work, a little flower shop on the corner six blocks from her house, and learns about the meanings of flowers

alternatively: a series of nights mj lets herself fall in love with her superhero best friend all without realizing he's totally in love with her too

Game Over: Start Again? (ao3) - laireshi, runningondreams steve/tony T, 2k

Summary: A first kiss is a beginning. A last kiss is an end. Steve and Tony have shared a few of both.

How It Started, How It's Going (ao3) - m_l_h sam/bucky E, 13k

Summary: Sam and Bucky are starting out a new life post-Endgame, finding their way working and living with each other.

Liminal Space (ao3) - ladyshadowdrake steve/sam M, 6k

Summary: When Steve turned to leave, Sam probably should have just let him go. He was a vet like any other, someone who just wanted to talk to someone who understood. Sam could be okay with that, was comfortable in that role, but instead he called out, “Hey!”

Steve turned around, a twist of his spine that did interesting things to the lines of his hips. “Yeah?”

“I get off at six,” Sam said, completely, entirely skipping over the part of the conversation that ended in a question mark. Steve’s expressive brows curled, one climbing up his forehead, lips stretching into a bemused smile. “If you’d like some company,” Sam added smoothly.

quick (kiss me) (ao3) - haveufoundwhaturlookingfor clint/sam N/R, 798

Summary: Sam sees an ex he never wanted to see again while out with Clint, so he does the one thing he knows will make his ex jealous.

Stick With Me, Baby, I’m the Fella You Came in With (ao3) - Annie D (scaramouche) steve/tony E, 10k

Summary: During the final battle with Ultron, Tony kisses Steve for the first time. Afterward, he makes it clear to Steve that he was just running on adrenaline and not thinking clearly. Steve seems to accept it, but the kiss nudges open a door of possibilities, and the situation escalates.

Thank God Boys Are Stupid (ao3) - MarvelsAssbutts carol/maria T, 3k

Summary: “Ain’t it obvious,” Davis snickers. “Carol and Maria don’t have time for men like us when they’re all wrapped up in each other.” He delivers the line in a playful manner, his words drenched in faux saccharine that gets the whole group to erupt in approval at the joke. Even Maria lets out a bark of a laugh that squashes Carol’s heart with its ‘never in a million years’ tone.

Carol tries to look annoyed rather than hurt, rather than pissed off. She pulls on a tight smile and takes a long drink.

or

A relaxing night with friends turns into something more tense when Carol and Maria's airforce buddies dare them to kiss.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider (ao3) - psychopathicdorito (orphan_account) steve/natasha G, 1k

Summary: Takes place before AOU but after CATWS. Steve confesses to Natasha, and Tony witnesses their first kiss.

trapped with you (ao3) - haveufoundwhaturlookingfor sam/bucky T, 1k

Summary: Sam and Bucky get captured during a mission, and end up in a Hydra cell together. Bucky's freaking out, which somehow leads to him and Sam having a much needed, long overdue, heart-to-heart conversation.

With You (ao3) - MarvelsAssbutts sam/bucky T, 1k

Summary: Sam takes matters into his own hands to help Bucky have some fun outside of the apartment. When he finds a themed dance night, he and Bucky take to the floor and find a new level of their relationship.

aka : i really wanted to write sam and bucky dancing because i can't get it out of my head

Worth It (ao3) - nebulera steve/tony G, 3k

Summary: Steve is beginning to have a bad track record of first dates.

You're Tuggin On Me (ao3) - MarvelsAssbutts sam/bucky M, 6k

Summary: The sensation sends chills up Bucky’s neck and goosebumps break out across his skin. His eyes flutter shut and he finds himself leaning back into the hand enough for it to do one more swoop against his scalp.

“Hair’s getting long, boy.”

Bucky’s eyes fly open at the voice and his body stiffens the second the hand leaves his hair.

OR

Bucky manages to hide his feelings for Sam pretty well. Has been doing it for months with little to no problem or fantasy. Then Sam puts his hands in Bucky's hair.

[bisexualbumblebee-writes]

Prom Blues- Eddie Munson x OC

Eddie Munson x Misty Hawthorne

Description: Prom is just around the corner, but Eddie hasn’t asked Misty. After she confides in Dustin about it, she receives quite the surprise the night that prom rolls around.

Word Count: 2.3k

Senior prom was just around the corner. Almost every day for the last two weeks Misty watched as boys either nervously and confidently asked a girl to prom. Whether it be by a small gesture or something huge, it was exciting to watch. Even when the girl didn’t say yes (which actually happened a few times), it was still fun to watch how far people would go to attend prom with the person of their choosing. 

So far Misty had rejected a total of three promposals. It wasn’t even that she didn’t want to go either. On the contrary she was arguably one of the most excited for prom. But, she was also waiting for the very off chance that her boyfriend Eddie would ask her. She was more than aware that this would technically be his third senior prom, but it wasn’t like he ever attended them. According to him, they were “a big scam for the school to make money from naive teenager’s dreams just so they could just donate it all to the sports teams the very next day, leaving everyone else with some crappy pictures and an old dress/suit they would probably never be able to wear again.” 

And sure, she could always go with someone else. In fact she’d heard around school that Johnny Rodham wanted to ask her. But, she knew without having to think about it that it wouldn’t be as fun. It was supposed to be the best night of a senior’s life, so it should be with someone that she wanted to go with. She wanted to go with her boyfriend, but she already knew that he would probably just shrug it off. He wouldn’t want to go, he hadn’t gone once in the other two years that he’d been a senior. 

At the same time she was hoping it’d be different because he had a girlfriend to ask this year. Every day, between watching people ask each other to prom, she would wait with the slightest hope that that was the day Eddie would ask her. It never came though, and now prom was only a few days away. 

By that point she’d given up on him asking her, but she was still saddened by it. She tried not to let it affect her, but she knew that the rest of the Hellfire Club was beginning to catch on that she hadn’t been her usual happy self the last few days. She hadn’t realized that it was so obvious until Dustin came up to her one day after school. 

“Hey Misty, wait up” he called, jogging to catch up with her as she made her way to the theater’s basement. The girl stopped and turned just in time for him to catch up to her. 

“Hey Dustin,” she greeted. “You excited for the session tonight?” 

“Always,” he answered immediately, a toothy smile on his face. “But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.” Misty’s brows furrowed in confusion. 

“Oh, okay. What’s up?” 

“Is everything?” He questioned, which surprised the girl. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, you’ve been pretty quiet the last few days. Like, you haven’t been interacting with anyone really,” he explained, then his expression became sympathetic. “It’s because of prom, isn’t it?” The older girl’s eyes widened, panic shooting through her. 

“You… I- what-” 

“You don’t hide it as well as you think.” Dustin was obviously amused by her shock that she’d been caught. Once she gathered her bearings, a small huff left her lips, then she shook her head with a weak smile. 

“It’s really okay, Dustin,” she reassured him. “Proms are grossly overrated anyway.” Both she and the boy knew that she didn’t actually mean that. It was obvious, despite how much she tried to hide it. But, Dustin merely offered her a smile and nodded before they continued on to the Hellfire room. 

Misty assumed that Dustin would drop the subject and move on, and it seemed that he did because she wasn’t questioned anymore after that. The rest of the week went by without any problems, then the night of prom came. Rather than being at the school, Misty was laying on the couch in her living room, eyes focused on the movie playing despite her mind being far away from it. 

She was only brought back from her thoughts by a loud knock on her front door. Her parents were out of the house, so that meant it was up to her to answer it. So, as much as she was content to just stay on the couch for the rest of eternity, she begrudgingly stood up and walked over to the door. Upon looking through the peephole, she was surprised to see Eddie standing on the other side of it with a nervous look on his face. 

“Eddie?” She greeted confusedly after opening the door. “I thought Hellfire was having a session at the Wheeler’s place tonight?” He shot her an awkward grin then shrugged. 

“Uh, we did. But I rescheduled it for tomorrow because I had to ask you something,” he answered. Misty’s brows furrowed in confusion, and she couldn’t help but laugh. 

“You canceled your coveted D&D session just to ask me a question?” She clarified, voice dripping with amusement. The repetition made Eddie chuckle with her, shifting from one foot to the other.

“Uh, yeah. I guess so.” It was at that moment that she realized that one of his hands was behind his back. Just as she opened her mouth to question him, he spoke again. 

“Uh, so anyways, the question I wanted to ask,” he said, nerves now more prominent in his tone. “You- um… Shit, sorry.” He laughed again, but Misty could tell that it was a way to break the tension this time. 

“Take your time, Eds,” she comforted with a patient smile. Her arms crossed as she leaned against her doorway. 

“I’ve uh… I’ve never done this before,” he admitted. “I never realized how nerve wracking a stupid little question could be.” Despite trying to be patient with him, Misty realized that her curiosity was beginning to get the best of her. She had a feeling that he knew that as well. 

“Alright, let’s just get it over with,” he muttered more to himself than to her before looking at her once again. “Misty Hawthorne, will you do me the honor of going to senior prom with me?” He said it all very quickly and in one breath, but Misty understood every word. Her eyes widened in shock, a bright smile forming on her face. 

“Wait, are you serious?” She asked, trying to suppress her excitement. 

“I am totally a hundred percent serious,” Eddie answered, finally showing her what was behind his back. It was an ivory and cream corsage, which was all the proof she needed to know that he wasn’t joking. The girl bit her lip to contain an excited squeal as she nodded enthusiastically, but then her excitement wore off. 

“Wait, I can’t,” she said softly, surprising Eddie. “I don’t have a dress. None of my dresses are prom appropriate.” Upon hearing her reasoning, the boy grinned. He wasn’t as upset as she expected him to be. 

“Don’t you worry about that, beautiful. I brought backup.” Before Misty could question what he meant, Ella, Steve, Dustin and Robin appeared from seemingly nowhere. Ella held a large bag in her hand, one that dry cleaners would use, while Robin held what looked to be a makeup bag and a curling iron. Steve also held a dry cleaner’s bag, but this one was partially unzipped so she could see what seemed to be a suit jacket. A smile broke out on Misty’s face as she stepped back inside. 

“Let’s do it then!” 

Once Misty was out of the shower, Robin and Ella got to work. While Robin’s specialty lay in makeup, Ella worked on the girl’s hair. All Misty had to do was sit there at her vanity, humming along to the music playing from her radio. Ella was the first one to finish since all she really did was give her beach waves and pull half of it up in a bun. Once she’d finished, she walked over to Misty’s dresser, where the dress hung up. 

“I’m pretty sure I got you the right size,” she muttered as she unzipped the bag and pulled out a dress. It was a long satin green maxi dress. When Ella held it up Misty realized that it was backless as well, though it had strings crossing over the back three times that ended in a bow just an inch or so above the butt. It was absolutely gorgeous and exactly Misty’s bohemian style. A wide smile appeared on the girl’s face as she examined it, though Robin turned her head to face her so she could finish her makeup almost immediately. 

“It’s gorgeous, Ella,” she said softly. “I can’t imagine how much it cost, but I can pay you back for it.” 

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” the girl shrugged as she slipped the dress off the cushioned wire hanger it was on. “They were having a sale at that shop Jenna works at. She also used her employee discount so it cost basically nothing.” 

It only took Robin another minute to finish up and she helped Misty stand. The girl slipped the dress on and while Ella tied the back of the dress, Robin pulled out a pair of three inch nude heels. Misty took her hand when she held it out and stepped into them with her friend’s help, watching as Robin knelt down and buckled them for her. Once they were done, the girls stepped back to look at her, wide smiles on their faces. 

“Wow, we’re miracle workers,” Ella joked, making Misty jokingly roll her eyes and herself giggle. “Seriously though, you look amazing.” 

“Yeah, you look hot,” Robin added jokingly. The girls shared another laugh then they began ushering Misty out of the room. 

“Okay, now it’s time for your grand entrance. Robin and I will go downstairs and present you while you wait at the top of the stairs and wait for the call,” Ella instructed as they reached the stairs. Misty nodded and threw her hair behind her shoulder, letting out a nervous breath as Robin and Ella began their descent downstairs. 

“Wow, Eddie, you actually look nice,” she heard Robin say from the living room, where she assumed the guys were. 

“I’m gonna ignore your surprise and just thank you for the compliment,” her boyfriend retorted, which made her giggle. She didn’t even have to be looking at him to know that he took offense for the backhanded compliment. 

“Anyways,” Ella cut in pointedly. “Are you ready to see your prom date?” Immediately she could feel the air shift to excitement, earning a smile from the girl. 

“More than anything.” Misty’s heart soared at how sincere he sounded. 

“Alright then, if you all will direct your attention towards the stairs, I will now present to you: the Queen, Misty Hawthorne!” The girl took that as her cue, and so she descended the staircase as carefully as she could in her heels. Just before she came into view she put on her most dazzling smile. Robin stood in front of the front door in the foyer with a camera in her hands. She snapped a few pictures of Misty with a small smile before directing her camera in Eddie’s direction. 

When Misty’s gaze focused on Eddie, she was pleasantly surprised to actually see him in a suit. Sure, she’d seen it when the others showed up, but a part of her was expecting him to end up forgoing it in favor of his everyday clothes. He looked amazing though. The suit was all black with a white shirt under it. He didn’t wear a tie of any sort, but that wasn’t something she worried over. His hair seemed to have been tamed a bit, but it looked normal for the most part (which she was more than happy with). 

She couldn’t begin to imagine what she looked like to Eddie, but she knew that she didn’t look as surprised by him. He looked utterly entranced by her mere presence, like he was gazing at some sort of angel. His jaw had dropped a bit and his eyes were as wide as saucers, which actually earned a giggle from her. 

“Careful Eds, you’re gonna catch flies,” she joked as she reached the last stair. That seemed to snap him out of his captivated stupor and he matched her smile. 

“When I see someone as beautiful as you, how can I not stop and stare?” He shot back, which actually made the girl blush. 

“Alright guys, we need pictures,” Ella instructs. 

So, Robin took pictures of Eddie wrapping the corsage around Misty’s wrist, then her pinning the boutonniere to his jacket. Afterwards they did a few group pictures since their friends did so much to help them get ready for tonight. Finally, they took a few pictures with each other for future memories. They took a few general prom pictures, then came the ‘funny’ ones. There were a few funny faces and poses, but Misty’s favorite would always be when they both did the rock and roll salute and struck out their tongues. Finally, when they took enough pictures to satisfy Ella, she smiled. 

“Alright, I think I’ve tortured you guys enough,” she said, opening the door and holding up Eddie’s van keys. “Go have fun.” 

Eddie grabbed the keys and then the couple walked out hand in hand with wide smiles on their faces. And it was quite possibly one of the best nights of their lives. Even Eddie, who loathed school functions, had fun. Of course they didn’t win prom King and/or Queen, they still danced and sang along to the music (probably a little too loudly). Misty had no idea if Dustin had any part in Eddie’s sudden promposal, but she was happy nonetheless.