#but like i havent felt this consistently bad for a few years

[rodrickheffley]

good lord my mental health has been bad lately

[desudog]

honestly i dont know if im essentially entirely fused at this point or what like the past year ive felt very singlet. i havet really had a full switch ive been a lot more of like, a guy with variance but a lot less of a guy whos multiple guys. more in depth sys talk and stuff below the cut.

We were disordered for sure, at least felt it that way and "professionals" did as well, but it doesnt mean anything and doesnt matter, what im getting at is that i never meant to be plural.

we switched and had the most activity, connection, amnesia and division in high school. like switching multiple times a day, splitting weekly type thing. when we dropped we started to slow down and solidify into more specific alters, who were more rounded out and would switch less. only switching once a week became every few weeks became every month became every few months and now.. i havent switched all year really.

i have a theory, and i do think im gonna end up or already am functionally singular.

first, i think my system existed for stress and trauma reasons mostly, and when i was removed from most of that, i was able to actually be a self at all, so a lot of the "need" for plurality that i had was no longer necessary.

but, we were still very much multiple. we were just able to exist outside pain and thus fused a lot of undeveloped personalities into a bigger more consistent one (who could front longer due to like, existing a lot less loosely.)

however i think i know whats making me singular

i wasnt a person.

i had no idea what "me" was because i didnt understand or approve of myself. i had lots of introjects that aligned more to my identities because "i" "couldnt" be them, which is why they were introjects instead of brain spawned. i couldnt relate to any 'myself' so my brain was constantly cycling through who i could be to make the pain go away.

now that i have come to terms with a lot of myself and i have a much better idea of what is 'myself' i notice the more and more i know me, the less im multiple "me"s.

i dont feel like i dont have multiple personalities anymore (which is the language i choose to use for myself) but i do feel like i am closer and closer yet to essentially being singular. im essentially singular now.

i dont know what i plan to do in the future concerning multiplicity, i never really understood people who would chase it themself or force alters or anything but i kinda get it now. i do like being singular more, but i understand it.

in general, im more in a strange place of a sliding identity where im not really multiple separate me's anymore, which is why im more and more inclined to use 'personality' language. im not really seperate guys anymore as much as i am versions of the same guy, and even then ive felt those walls become much more blurred lately.

its been strange going from being very very strictly different alters into being a single person. i dont think ill ever switch again, so i have to say thank you for everyone whos been on this journey with once us, now me.

im going to let my plurality do what it wants. if that means break down and become nothing but room for my self to feel inconsistent sometimes, so be it. if that means come back full force for whatever reason, so be it. im not going to attempt to influence anything for now.

but its something ive noticed lately and wishy sysposting reminded me to make everyone aware haha

i do feel bad though because i know there was people who liked certain alters more than they liked me, or expressed that they missed other alters. i promise im not taking them from you, in a sense theyre still here, and at the very least if i am taking them away, its not on purpose. and im sorry. i miss them too, even when i feel them inherited into me.

currently all of this has just fucked with my sense of my gender and age haha. we'll see where it takes me.

if i do end up trying to set up some barriers again it will probably be to store those 2 things... i dont know

but ever sense i noticed this ive been noticing just who im made up of the most or the least. its funny like who won the battle lol

more privately i do still consider myself plural because of it. im not really a completely singular guy, im like, a guy made up of guys.

[turtlemagnum]

theres something about how much my mom complains about her shitty ex making everything about him, and while thats definitely true she also always makes it all about her when im talking with her. shes definitely nowhere near as bad as him in the vast majority of regards, but with this specifically it's hard to be around her. the vast majority of the time, she wants to talk about what shes done at work and thats it, and if i try to change the subject she just, ignores me. i just asked her if its intentional, we've both got adhd and shes unmedicated so i try to give her some slack on that front. she said that it is, in fact, intentional.

im spiraling right now. i feel like im not a priority in anyones life, not even my own. even when im around other people, i feel really, truly alone. nobody in my life seems to know much about me, nor do they really seem to want to know. i try reaching out. i try, and try, and try, and at best i get a crumb of recognition. it's like they dont see me as a person, or at least not the person i am. whenever they tell me they love me, i cant help but feel like the person they love isn't me, just the idea of me. i'm not turtle to them, im not me. im their son, their grandson, in their minds i'm the little boy that i havent been for almost as long as i've been able to form memories. he's been dead for years now, so i'm estranged from "myself"; the "myself" that they still cling to like their life depends on it

i took a break writing this for a while. i was still staying over at my mom's when i first wrote the preceding text. now, i've been sick for the past week or so, and to be blunt it's fucking sucked. i've been tired for a while now, long before being sick. the sickness has unequivocally made it all far, far worse. the yearning i feel is killing me, like a snake slowly constricting my heart and lungs. i've at least started to shave and shower again, i didn't for a few days because i felt too sick to really move and i didn't wanna shower and get my grandparents sick. they're sick regardless, so i guess there's no real loss there. i feel so worthless for my lack of productivity, i want to move, i want to write, i want to fucking do things, and it's gotten so much harder. i'm on the tail end of the physical sickness, but it's undoubtedly made the mental shit that much worse.

i feel like i need somebody else like me. someone who cares so much about everyone around them. someone who always tries to be there for everyone else, even if they're not really there for you. someone i can talk to consistently, without having to anxiously wait for. maybe i'll never find them. i hope i'm wrong

[theendofuno]

okay….haii tl;dr: i want to throw myself from a reactor nuclear and besides loving this page dearly keeping it daily isnt helping me with these kinda of thought so ill start a god-knows-who-long hiatus

now *puts a music box version of meltdown by iroha for dramatic purposes* *cleans throat* pretending im talking to an audience its easier for me okay dont judge me :(

i dont know how to write texts but ill try my best to explain everything without going into too much annoying stuff but the text may have a few suicide mentions here and there

okay

i created this page in a very dark period of my life that never went away, it actually worsened everyday. it was supposed just to be fun and games, "oh this character didnt got released this month, maybe drawing him everyday for a month until he gets here will be very funny!!!" *stares at 2 years*

as you can see, i didnt had ANY prepare to keep going for the long we did, but this is 100% not a complain

i really love this page, i really do love everyone i've met, i love having this project with my best friend, but i cant and wont lie: it made me VERY worse than i already was. it made me feel good, it made me feel loved, it made me feel human again, and at the same time it absolutely killed me

having to keep this consistence everyday, having to do good drawings, not allowing myself to do what it was better for my own health just because i didnt wanted to disappoint people with silly drawings when the first week was all cool drawings full colored with a bunch of details, references and etc

i really lost my count of how many times i had a terrible breakdown or even an attempt and my first thought was just "yeah that sucked. anyway i have to work so people will have some art tomorrow!"

and to be honest i dont think starting this page with my friend was…..that of a good idea. i know youre here just for their art. you dont need to lie i know theyre better than i am and you would prefer to see their art everyday other than mine. dont worry the feeling its mutual

but well theyre a slow artist and i wont be the one forcing them to draw everyday, i am the one that can do it and thats what i did for 300 days until now!

but that was something that kinda broke my feelings also cuz im very harsh on myself and keeping comparing their drawings to mine, not only the quality but also the different attention it all got (and sometimes it was almost a 20 likes difference so..sucks to be me ig) isnt doing good for my little damaged brain. its 100% not their fault tho and im not saying it is KJGDKFDK but if im going to be honest then i will

i dont know how to keep going the text tbh,, so,, my point is that im havent felt well since i started the page, and i love it with my whole heart, and these feelings have nothing to do with uno, grand chase itself, or the community (maybe a 2% fault go for annoying people from twitter /hj), im just being a little egoistic and doing this for myself or otherwise i can go completely insane and well. psych wards dont look funny :(

i really feel nasty, an HORRIBLE human being, absolute egoistic trash by abandoning the page, i feel SO FUCKING BAD for not drawing my son, by not updating here everyday and allowing people to see the silly stuff i do, but i guess i got to my breaking point where i just cant keep ignoring my suicide attempts by drawing and keeping my mouth shut (really, my last attempt was so scary i didnt fully recovered from)

yeahhhhhhh

i guess that was it

i pinky-promise i'll try my best to keep drawing and posting everytime i can, but it wont be daily, and it may not be weekly also, but i didnt gave up and i WONT gave up, this page is my absolute pride and joy and i cant just let it go away for a bad mental day. i still love and forever will love uno and drawing him, and i'll be forever happy for everyone i've met and helped me even without they knowing, just by liking or commenting on my stuff

i hope you guys can forgive me for abandoning stuff right now and i hope y'all dont forget me. i wont be mad if you forget me. i'll just be a little sad. maybe cry a little *stares at you like that ( ◕_◕)* but dont worry. its okay.

i'll be trying my best to get back posting daily at least around day 330, but dont put high hopes. please. dont expect much. bigs chances i'll be just dropping a stick man with a heart ahoge saying haiiiii and go back to posting silly ugly art

[stfuprettypls]

.

going digging in my blog is so wild bc my intent is to find a good memory (i religiously wrote on this blog for quite a few years) but then stumble upon the SADDEST fucking post by me and then stumbling on even SADDER fucking post two minutes later

i blocked out so much of the first half of 2017 man i deadass forgot i wanted to die the whole time. it was truly such a perfect storm everything happened at once and felt like the rug was pulled from underneath me. i always forget about that academic quarter because it consisted of me needing to take random ass classes because i had failed out of my major and my new major had zero classes available.

my first breakup EVER happened and the situation around it plagued me for years. like literal years it took me ages to be able to overcome all the insecurities that came from it. this was from a time i thought i was unlovable and ugly, who could love me when i didn't even feel proper love? that relationship only confirmed my worldview that i was always going to be at the bottom of the priority list. that fucked me so bad because i was really hoping i was delusional that whole relationship that he would pull through the for me. that he would CHOOSE me. and he didn't and that was fucking devastating. that is what stung so much about it. i hated myself for the way it ended because it was literally because he couldn't choose me.

my 21st birthday? the literal moment i knew. my birthday after a lovely party he threw me. us on his bed already knowing the end was coming. i literally had made the man want to kill himself because i was so stressful to him. it was broken and we both knew. then we had one last genuine talk about who he was choosing. it wasn't me. it wasn't necessarily her. it was him confirming he couldn't choose. i think i told him to talk to his therapist about it, but i already knew. later that week he calls me crying confirming what i knew. we agreed to last one weekend together and then ending it. it was such a solemn weekend with one final date being at the pigeon lighthouse. we didn't kiss once that weekend. it was so sad.

ugh i havent thought about that break up in literal years. for the first time in 7 years do i feel ache over this and it was by randomly remembering. fuck yeah does the first heartbreak sting. idk if its because im stoned or what......too think im even going through this bc i wanted to revisit the date on my blog when i watched la la land

anyways but also:

finding out my friends also wouldnt choose me. the whole thing with that roommate? FUCK fuck fuck fuck. it was traumatizing to lose a friend so ...... spontaneously. such a strange thing so confusing. and then the screaming a few weeks later? and how they didnt stand up for me. and how she mocked me in front of me to her friends in my own HOME in the bus everywhere she could demean me. all over what? this i haven't forgotten so much.

then the other guy that was such a hot fucking mess who also put me the wringer. again, forgot about the pain i endured with him. not bc of heartbreak just because of the cruelty. such a shitty guy. he was EASY to forget about it was a fucking relief

but i remember the fall of 2017. everything changed in 2017. i wonder if he will ever fully understand how much he means to me and how he came into my life during the time i most needed him. new beginnings and i met him. him who i originally was resistant to. idk if he will ever understand how special he is to me and he is really the first person to love me in a way that is not due to familial duty.

[punkpsychologist]

i have friends now!!!!!

i went to a university sponsored "music" night and I made a friend that I'm going to call P (assuming i havent used that letter yet)

P met B's friend, A and now those two are dating.

my friend group consists of me, B, B's friends G and K, and then there's A and P.

we also have now evolved into a dungeons and dragons group

P and I are both afab and have had that bond of the mutual understanding of the taught/socialized female experience together

its so fun

p and I have the same sense of humor and i think that it stressed B and A out a little bit lol

K has some issues with fetishizing sapphics much to my disdain but he's trying really hard to be liked, he's learning when he needs to shut the fuck up which literally all the rest of us appreciate

he's like an eighteen year old middle school boy from 2015

A is really cool, he's in a band which I cannot tell you the name of. He and B are both computer science majors and share classes together where they will both text me things and read eachothers messages

its quite the experience

G is exceptionally cool, he's highly charismatic and the first few times I met him he definitely seemed to be the person keeping groups on track and in a good mood

shocker shocker, he's our dm for dnd lol I had been really envious(in a I wish that were me kind of way) over one of my long time friends who was able to go to uni in new york state. mainly because they got to forget about home and that they had secured a solid group of friends called The Movie Night Group. The idea of friend groups is one that I have eternally romanticized. I have often found myself to be in trios of rejected individuals. I was one of three throughout elementary until I was 10, it ended in war and bloodshed. I had a friend group in middle school but that ended in lost memories and life altering trauma. High school happened and I had a new group with little cross over from middle school. That group was my everything. It was shattered last winter when a big fight broke out and for two months I spoke to no one. I had been in a bad ptsd episode and was afraid to talk to B and I only left my house twice a week for a singular class. So for two months I only really spoke to my mother. I crept out of my crypt and started talking to B again in march and thats when I started getting better. I love B. Over the phone I confessed everything that happened with my friends and I told him about my ptsd and grandfather's cancer. Basically I told him about all the dark things that hid in my brain and poisoned my body and heart without outing my feelings for him. He jokingly asked me to come to his university. It happened to be the closest and the cheapest. So that's what I did. I'm here and I'm nearly certain we're together. Last time he came over we cuddled and watched an entire season of breaking bad. He asked if he could put his head on my shoulder and I said god yes. It ended up being both of us lying on my bed with out backs against the long side of the wall and his head was half buried in the crook of my neck. I could have solved all my questions by kissing his forehead and searching his face for a reaction but alas I am not so brave. I don't know why I'm typing so dramatically tonight. I just feel like it lol. either way. getting back on track. friend group. last night all of us aside from A who is out of town got dinner together and talked dnd. after dinner we walked around campus together and there was this magic to it. maybe it was the abnormally cool texas fall temperatures or the neurochemicals, but seeing people i knew walking in front of me and being in a conversation brimming with contagious laughter with someone next to me. I felt like a real, live, person. I felt like 19 year old doing 19 year old things. The highest toxicity was an undefined romantic relationship and K's idea of humor. We weren't hiding secrets from each other or trying to socially dominate, we just existed as comrades. Maybe it was love? This feels good. This feels like something that could be permanent. I like these people. Our discord server is popping the fuck off. I feel like a living person who is being good and is healing. I love them and I feel like I love myself. I think I might also be loved which is a cool feeling.

edit: P came out as transmasc today so I feel it is of utmost importance to change his initial to a D

[doomednarrative]

On the topic of listening to "Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" one too many times, and the idea that you might be identifying too much with your trauma and mental illness:

----

If you've followed me for any length of time on this blog, you'll probably be aware of two things about me:

A. I'm clearly mentally ill in some regard, and B. I use music to cope and work thru the issues related to my mental illness and trauma a lot.

The past four years have been both the worst and best years of my life. I ran away from an abusive home, I've gone thru two major breakups and one of them just absolutely rocked my shit for awhile, I've been consistently working thru my queer identity and figuring all of that out for myself, and the list goes on.

Finally leaving an environment that had trapped me in a cycle of traumatic experiences for years left me in a weird place. For once I was somewhere where my illness and suffering was being taken seriously and not constantly belittled and ignored, and my queerness was accepted and respected. And that felt great!

What Wasnt so great about that was the Overwhelming feelings of "oh my god I've been suffering for so long and now that i'm out of that place, I cant stop thinking about it and realizing how much its truely fucked me up and worsened my mental health" that came with everything else.

And with that overwhelm, somewhere along the line I started to identify with that suffering. I had spent so long in a place that refused to acknowledge that I was hurting at all, that now that I was in a place where I could truely express that hurt and how it affected me, I didnt want to let go of it.

This was a cycle that went on for awhile, and one that I didn't really realize I was trapped in until about March this year.

Enter Will Wood and his wonderful music.

I'd heard of him months before, already had Dr. Sunshine and Hand Me My Shovel in my spotify library. But I didn't really give him a Proper listen until Miles suggested I do so, and I fell in love almost immediately with his stuff. Underneath his music just being fun and wild to listen to, Will's music talks so openly and genuinely about deeper themes of personal identity and mortality and the current culture we live in, and so many other important things.

"Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" is a song about both sides of the mental health discussion and about the struggle of how everyone deals with their own personal identity in relation to their mental health treatment. Its a song that once I heard what it was really saying, it slapped me in the fucking face to say the least. I havent heard someone describe the things this song is trying to say in a way that actually made sense and summed up my feelings on the discussion so nicely ever honestly. The things Will addresses in this song are important, and its all stuff I've personally pondered on for awhile too.

Some lyrics that really stuck out to me would be these two:

"Who makes the call, whats a symptom whats a flaw, can it be both? Well I suppose thats an answer."

"Ain't your identity at stake? Does aspirin kill you with the pain?"

What a complex question, isnt it? Does treatment kill your identity, change who you are as a person? Is that a bad thing? Whats really a symptom of the mental illness and what makes it that? Do those symptoms also count as personal flaws?

What do you do when you identify too much with your illness that you feel you can't get treatment for it?

That was the real question I got stuck on for myself. Because after a lot of deeper reflection on my own behavior and thoughts towards my illness and trauma, I made a discovery I hadn't known before really thinking about what this song was saying:

I found that I was scared to be treated. I was scared of finding an identity outside of my illness. I had become so accustomed to defining a part of myself by my suffering, that i became afraid of what or who I could become without it constantly weighing me down. And thats a very heavy thing to realize about yourself, but it was a very eye opening thought for me to have.

And I dunno how much longer itd have taken me to figure out if it wasnt for this song tbh. Its just not something I wanted to think about for awhile. I became content with identifying myself by my illness, and I was resistant to seeking out treatment for fear that I wouldnt like who I'd become if I tried to treat it.

Thankfully, this is something I've been working thru more recently after having that revelation.

I don't really have some grand statement to make at the end of this. I'm really just here journalling and writing down how I feel about all of this stuff recently. But, I do think theres something to be said about how art and music can really affect people. Hell knows I've had quite a few good mental revelations about myself since listening to Wills music more recently. Its been helpful honestly.

If you take anything away from this tho, maybe it should be that its not a bad thing to examine just how much you define yourself by your illness and trauma sometimes. You might find that you're in a little too deep sometimes and want to pull yourself out.

You're more than what your illness is. And treatment for it isn't a bad thing either. I may just be learning this for myself, but I do think its true.

Just something for yall to ponder for now I suppose.

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, eps 1-5 thoughts! opening the new season with episodes like these kinda blew me away. we had multiple serious episodes INCLUDING a two parter!! also, valerie :)

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-I don't know what I expected s2 to open with. but danny portal incident in more detail was not it. (also, I hate to break it to you, sam, but danny's parent's bigass ghost hunting rv def chugs more gas than those vehicles, lmao. unless it runs on ectoplasm or something...)

-WHY WAS DESIREE IN THE SEWER? HAVING TEA WITH IT DOWN THERE?? Her making the giant cow come alive is a boss move, we've almost had all of my fav animals as ghosts now <3 I also don't like how sam was expecting danny to just, haunt the place so the cars wouldn't get sold? I KNOWWW I know she's 14 (and I had a very annoying phase like this, I think I mentioned in a previous post, I GET IT) but they're HIS powers, and messing with (1) dealership will not really put a dent in sales overall because they can just move the cars to another sales lot, and it certainly wont change the industry anyway, it's more of a minor annoyance for (1) location. Also, usually people who work at car sales places work on commission, so if they dont make a sale, they don't have money to pay bills, or eat. sam baby if u wanna be an activist you need to like, actually look into these things. with as much money as her parents have, she could be doing a lot..more useful things for causes she cares about? it's frustrating to see someone with resources who doesn't know how to use them. but shes 14 so again. cannot be really upset :/

-IS THIS A PREDATOR VS TERMINATOR VS FREDDY KRUEGER MOVIE BUT THEYRE ALL WOMEN?? you know, sam is so right to be excited about this. /I/ want to see this movie. that rules

-paulina inviting danny and friends to her quinceañera, aw! even if it is just to get phantom to show up :') and there'll be a meteor shower, and we KNOW danny wants to be an astronaut!! there's not a meteor shower every night!! the tickets are non-refundable, but..she's rich? like. gotta agree with danny, they never get invited!! I KNOW it's the principle of keeping promises, but if she was that upset, she should've said something. directly. I hated how she was like, passive aggressive about it through the episode, like you SAID IT WAS FINE, THAT YOU'D GO TO THE PARTY TOO. MOVIES SHOW FOR A FEW WEEKS IN THEATERS. IF YOU HAD A REAL PROBLEM YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. WE'VE HAD THIS PROBLEM BEFORE, SAM. YOUR FRIENDS. ARE NOT. MIND READERS.

-MR. LANCER GOING AFTER THE GHOST WITH THE FIRE EXTINGISHER LMAO

-this outfit is everything . anytime the show does an over the top cutesty pink outfit i WANT IT. it looks like shit I wear JKASDHF I HAVE a bow like that and a pink sweater. I need leg warmers </3

-SAMS GOTTA RE-HALF-KILL HIM??? thats fucked up. but also, he finally got his logo!! it took until s2!!! this episode was lowkey very fucked and I felt like it glossed over a lot. does sam have guilt about like. kinda KILLING HIM?? I know, he also agreed and walked into the portal. but. she made the choice to redo it SO quickly (even if it was because someone had to beat desiree) and danny, during their fight, brought up a lot of stuff sam's done in the past, meaning he was holding onto those memories and resentment was building. (I KEEP SAYING HE LOWKEY NEEDS THERAPY, BUT I THINK MOST EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW KINDA DOES) which...is a red flag? and then they didnt even GO to the party URGH I know she tried to make up for it, but it really felt like Sam fucked up and barely faced any consequences and got everything she wanted in the end. I KNOW it's a kids show obv they aren't going to go too in depth, and she undid the damage, kinda, but...I DUNNO how to articulate it but it rubbed me the wrong way.

-but on a note about desiree, her powers of wishes were STRONG ENOUGH TO ERASE NOT JUST THEIR MEMORIES, BUT DANNY'S POWERS?! fuck, if I was danny I'd be like, trying to make friends with her. I know they always have horrible side effects as most genie-granted wishes do, but...c'mon, I'd at least TRY to be like 'I wish no ghosts would hurt anyone in my town' or 'I wish vlad would lose his ghost powers forever no matter What and also forget about my mom' LIKE. SHIT DESIREE IS SO POWERFUL. rewriting reality powerful, basically!! appreciate her. respect her.

-aww, sam helping tucker pass the nurse's office so he wouldn't see because he's afraid of medical stuff? very sweet. I also don't like medical stuff, I've gotten a lot better at handling it tho. but seeing blood and needles still makes me feel lightheaded x_x

-FOLEY, BY TUCKER FOLEY. I want to make my own perfume, that's so cool. even if his first attempt isn't good, he's pretty consistently shown to have an inventor/entrepreneur streak in the show, so like. I can see him inventing or making something (or several somethings) that make him $$$ when he grows up :) proud of my creative son

-I know the 'creepy abandoned hospital on the edge of town' is a joke and the creepy hospital trope is so Worn Out, but in my town we actually DO have a hospital like that! my dad was born in it, but its not in use and hasn't been for, like, 20 years! it needs to be torn down but I think the city doesn't wanna pay the money. the inside is horrible, spray painted and broken glass and shit everywhere. but there's still like, rusty equipment and fucking DOLLS all over the place. the cops drive by it pretty frequently to make sure no one is like, breaking in. (because of water damage, some of the areas really aren't safe. also, asbestos, but people still go in anyway) but also, some of my town was used in a filming for a stephen king show. So it's lowkey spooky all over. just a fun personal tidbit :) to lead into saying, any hospital abandoned for any period of time is NOT safe to quarantine these kids in JKSAHDKF like I KNOW it's a ghost trying to do this, but NONE of these parents are even like, 'well, why dont we keep them in the regular, working hospital'....YIKES. this hospital looks pretty accurate to the one in town. grungy and spooky.

-fentons are tax evaders confirmed by jack's fear of being audited, lol no one is surprised

-ghost sickness via ghost bugs. horrifying concept. I actually expected it to be a new villain, not dr. spectra again! this is a very elaborate scheme. her new form rules, love the new costume. the way none of the bg kids seem to recognize her as their old school councilor. did we just forget about that completely?

-dash watching romance movies in the fucked up ghost hospital. same.

-'oh please, you're ghosts, do you have any idea what YOU smell like?' no, tucker, what DO ghosts smell like? I genuinely didn't know they would even have a smell, I actually want to know now.

-it feels like a while since we've seen jazz!! i was happy to see her again, even if she was a head in a jar for most the episode. I want another jazz-focused ep!!

-we finally see danny doing space-related stuff!! him and his friends stargazing to open ep 3 of s2. cute :) until, GHOST PIRATES!!!!! ...ghost pirate captain is a small child?? VOICED BY TAYLOR LAUTNER???

-oh, the easy listening is ember's song instrumental slowed. 'vapor drone' THEY VAPORWAVED HER!!! ember in a pirate outfit tho >>>>. and the cruise being called m.bersback JKASDHJK. ember adopting a little pirate brother is also pretty cute. concerning this teen and little kid have such bad opinions of adults, like, who hurt you?? (how did you DIE ALSO?? im always lowkey curious about that. we know desiree died at an old age, but her ghost form is young, probably mid-20s, so I wonder how that sort of thing works...its a more mental thing, isn't it?) but ghost team-ups are always cool to see, even if ember bailed after danny took her guitar. I guess she probably thinks youngblood can handle it (which, he's been owning danny this far in the ep, so...fair)

-tucker got that sponsorship from nasty burger for their radio!!! again, opportunistic money maker king, love to see it!!!

-danny taking control of the kids SO FAST. he makes a pretty great leader. no one is surprised, im pretty sure I said I think he's the most mature of the trio, once again, correct, because he's taken on so much responsibility already. all the teens suiting up in the jumpsuits to go save the adults and taking the ship over with a BLIMP. OKAY LETS GO. this feels like it should be a mid finale or straight up finale.

-...speaking of finales. why is ep 4-5 of s2 combined into a 50 minute episode? I havent even clicked play and im concerned. weird placement, like, this season JUST started and we're getting a two parter? okay...why are the episodes placed like this? why not put this at episode 10 or something, for a mid-season thing?

-this is also a cute dress. possibly my fav dress so far. can her parents give ME cute dresses, I'LL wear them.

-it turns out the castle fright knight was in is called pariah's keep and there's something worse than fright knight in there! lovely! fuck off vlad wtf are you doing <3 your hubris <3 is going to literally get you killed <3 'ring of rage' and 'crown of fire' are great names tho. ...vlad turning into a super polite guy when he was scared of mr. pariah was hilarious. and fright knight doing the same...I mean, it makes sense, he's a knight, he serves a king? happy to see fright knight again either way :) vlad telling him to call him tho, lmfao. you WISH HE WOULD. (I wish hed call me, too. 😔)

-so...jack being genuinely concerned about vlad...maddie really didn't tell him what happened at the cabin, did she. damn. if I was her id immediately come home and be like 'YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS SHITTTT THIS CREEPY GUY--' like, I feel like that stuff you need to tell your partner!!! I know she didnt want Jack to think she was an irresponsible parent putting danny in danger at that time, but STILLLL. maddie spilling boiling tea on him. get his ass. how is jack this oblivious to his wife's discomfort with vlad!! ughhh

-fenton wipe (tm). trademarked toilet paper.

-DANNY AND VALERIE BEING FRIENDS??? :D that was a cute moment. 'hey val <3' and 'if you like him like him, make a move, or someone else will ;)' at sam...damn!! I love her. valerie go for it girl!!! I hate how sam and tucker treat val also, like I GET IT YOURE PROTECTIVE AND DONT TRUST but if anything him befriending valerie will help when she finds out or he tells her like I feel like she'll be more understanding that they think! ALSO I feel like her reason for not liking ghosts is valid, like you haven't really explained the full story to her anyway! she doesn't seem to have any other friends after being booted from the a-listers so im like :( but seeing them kick butt together again was nice <3

-the ghosts all RUNNING FROM PARIAH DARK IS NOT GOOD, I thought he sent them to attack or something, but no. why doesn't someone just tell desiree 'hey i wish pariah dark would die' lol. once again I think she can solve every problem <3 but seeing all the enemies in one place, being civil and hiding together? love it.

-you just know danny's gonna have to clean up vlad's stupid mess. also, jack being willing to put on the ectoskeleton pants to help maddie, as soon as vlad heard it could kill him, he suggested jack do it instead of helping maddie himself? this is why jack got the girl, my man.

-ghost skeletons. how do you end up as a skeleton ghost in your afterlife instead of a humanoid like most the ones we've seen? lmao

-the ghosts just making new homes in various stores. I'd totally be setting up in an expensive clothing store if I was a ghost.

-valerie's dad is possibly the most useful adult so far, with that ghost shield expansion!!! and valerie saving vlad and danny, even tho shes been thru it already, shes still so good!!! this family rules.

-danny: *gently caresses valerie* :)

-*then he immediately TELLS HER DAD ON HER. and his first response is 'are you okay?' :'( such a good dad...

-*me every time fright knight breathes* youre doing SO great sweetie :)

-the fenton suit thing is so silly looking. does anyone take this thing seriously

-ALL THE GHOSTS FIGHTING WITH DANNY <3 AAAAA. and the fact that pariah isn't perma-defeated, but just locked away again. yikes. he'll probably get out again, won't he? it wasn't too clear, but if vlad DID make a pact with fright knight, I am rabid. I will beat vlad to death with the fenton bat (tm). YOU DONT DESERVE A COOL KNIGHT.

-valerie being direct with sam and challenging her? kinda love that, even tho I normally don't like 'catfight' type situations. because sam has been very passive aggressive about it which is annoying. valerie knows wtf she wants and wasn't even embarrassed to tell sam, but she did tell her, giving sam time to make her own move! and sam denied it and got embarrassed/mad! and sam did have a chance when danny was about to go off and fight, and she hesitated and didn't tell him. I feel like she's hesitating because they're friends and it might make it weird between the trio (poor tucker would be third-wheeling) but if u snooze u lose, u gotta GO after what u WANT girl. smh this is a No Tsundere Zone. 😤

[love4hobi]

hi!! please feel free to not reply because i just wanted to let you know how glad i am that you spoke about that weverse article because i saw people use it basically just to criticize people who were dissatisfied with ptd

ptd was bad production and im glad the members’ names arent on it. how did we even go from music tailored to the members to shoehorning rapline into 10 seconds each.

but then again whenever i come across the “this doesnt sound like bangtan” point i feel like, bangtan has never had a consistent sound besides songs which work very well with the members themselves? the school trilogy hyyh wings ly mots and now this trilogy most of them sound nothing like eachother and each era there was always a good chunk of the fandom saying wow sellouts their sound has changed. feels like this time it’s just that hybe isnt even choosing music that truly fits them so they can reach wider audiences

and considering that their next comeback is probably going to be the collab they keep hinting at im not expecting a massive shift from the trajectory they are on. like come on hybe do your biggest group justice

hi! yea it is weird the way some people dont think critically about what they read in the weverse articles as if hybe doesnt make them say exactly what they want it to say and use it to try to further manipulate bts’ fanbase, to try to motivate them to stream or whatever it is they want. and i agree with you that bts music has always been changing and no two albums sound the same, but still theres something about all their work up until mots persona that just Feels like them. i dunno how to describe it its just like their recent stuff is so generic it could be anyones, but their older stuff is Theirs u kno. but yea for some reason they dont care about that anymore n its sad. n omg i completely forgot about the coldplay collab ughh not looking forward to that personally,, one reason being i think i already know what the line distribution will look like.. among other things… its like i get theyre clearly just in it for the money at this point, because even tho theyve gotten so big, under capitalism if ur not constantly growing ur failing,, but i truly honestly believe that they would be just as, if not more successful than they are now if they just let the boys do what they genuinely wanted to do. its like they havent stopped to think that maybe the western industry that they so desperately want the attention of would be a little more welcoming to them if they felt all that drive and passion and sincerity from just a few years back….

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Undercooked Popcorn

Masterlist

You and Konner have a mini training session in the barn and get in trouble with Clark.

Warnings: fluff, Swearing,

A/n: Here is a small fluff piece I have been working on enjoy XX

Taglist: @iloveyouyen​

After the initial move to Mrs Kent's house they had given you a week to settle in before getting stuck in to your school work. Not only you but konner as well letting you both bond which you had, the both of you had become close...konner had opened up quicker than you had, already secure about his place in the family you on the other hand was less sure. You had a trouble with it you wanted to believe that you was here permanently , that this was it where you belonged but you couldnt help holdingnyour breath still waiting for something to happen. Currently you and konner was in the old barn, you'd both unconsciously decided that it was your hang out, the place you go to escape the adults and get to know one another without the eagle eyes of the others. Somewhere to get away from an overbearing Clark who seemed to take the term mother hen to a whole new level, it wasnt necessarily bad but it was hard for you to go from no one gives a shit to holy shit this guy is consistently fussing over you. You knew he was trying to be inclusive and trying to solidify your place in the family reassuring you, wanting to show you he cared. Which was good youll admit you liked the attention in a way, you'd not had this type of parental guidance for a long long time but you'd didn't realoze how suffocating it was. You also suspected that your injuries had something to do with it aswell, you couldn't exactly fault him for it.

So here you were hiding out in the barn with konner as Clark flitted about the place doing odd chores here and there .Martha had gone out to work and would be home after the lunch rush at work.  You rolled across the blanket that covered the hay pile your lime green cast glowing in the noon sun you winced as the light reflected off of it and shuffled moving it into a shadowed area. Currently you and konner were shareing details about your abilities, something the both of you had avoided and danced around until you got more comfortable with each other.

"Soo you don't make things? You just stretch'em" you nodded at him as he sat above you cross legged on one of the wooden cross beams that spanned the large space.

"Yeah pretty much..I can't touch living things tho, no plants or animals or people" you said glancing at your arm sighing it would have been nice to just fix it but no  you had to wait it out.

"That sucks..." you nodded mournfully but then tilted your head back to get a better look at him.

"So what about you? Your an ET wannabe right?" He laughed flipping you the bird"Fuck you" you giggled as he shook his head jumping down from the beam landing just before you.

"Kryptonian is the politically correct term I think....Well hybrid... I'm half Clarks and... Half human" he said dusting off a little to sit on the hay across from you. You noticed the hesitation and the way he swerved around his own comments. Deciding to leave it be you opted to ignore it, much to Konners relief.

"So can you do all the stuff he can?" Konner smiled and shrugged

"You mean dad? Yeah sort of, I can do most...We are still waiting to see if we're exactly alike but I've got the strength speed and flight....I can do the lazer thing to which is cool but I havent found a practical use for it yet...Or a way to practice that shit is hot." You hummed at him then looked out of the open barn doors to the corn field.

"Corn?" He tilted his head following your gaze confused

"What?" You smiled at him Sitting up letting your arms fall into your lap

"Pop some corn...I mean theres a field right there...." he looked at the rows of corn catiously.

"Popcorn...You want me to use my laser eyes to...Get you a snack? How is that gojng to help me?" You rolled your eyes at him grunting."Oh for fuck sake...get unpopped popcorn and I will throw them in the air and you pop'em with your melty eyes.... you know target practice...And if I happen to catch some with my mouth its a bonus!" He sat up a little it wasn't a bad idea but Clark wouldn't like it.He doesnt like him practicing without him here.

"What about dad? Won't he be pissed?" You laughed and shook your head.

"Not really not like anyone can see us out hear and Clark did say we can practice around the place" Konner's grin fell he was worried that you hadn't really...Adapted? well you had...But you wont refer to the others as Dad and Grandma. As far as he was concered you were his sister already but he just really wanted you to know it was okay...That you really did have a family now. His dad and Grandma had told him not to push but he got the feeling you wanted to...Somethjng was holding you back.

"..You do know he is technically your dad now to right... You can call him dad and you can call Grandma, Grandma they wont be mad....I think they would like that." you sighed looking down, you knew that but it just... You didn't know, was it disrespectful to your real parents? You'd only been here a week? Surely it was to early...Even if it felt right, natural. He waved a hand at you

"You dont have to...I just didn't want you not to.. you know..Incase you thought they didn't want you to thats all, don't want you to have stupid thoughts like that holding you back" you blinked at him smiling sadly

"I-I do but...I still dont think I will be here long...I'm gonna slip up, if I ever accidentally hurt Martha I'm gone"  he frowned at you

"No...If that happens; which I don't think it will, but if it does then we deal with it togethet...you wont get very far if you do run...Me and dad will bring you back home and we talk things out .Thats what family is, we stay together and help each other, your my little sister, the first person my age I don't have to worry about hurting so much. I can relax more around you because you can protect yourself if thing get to much, you think im gonna let you leave over an accident? Fuck no like Dad keeps saying your here now, your a kent and your stuck with us...I hope you see that sooner rather then later it can't be nice always being ready to run" your lip quivered eyes filling with tears as he explained this, the conviction in his voice how he spoke with absolute certainty. Unwilling to cry in front of him you simply nodded to him. Getting the message he patted your arm then disappeared for what seemed like seconds with a small bag of unpopped corn cernals.

"Show off" you sniffed moving to wipe your eyes only to hiss when you cracked yourself on the head with your cast you whined rubbing to sore spot and froze when Konner held out some tissues to you

"I grabbed them inside" you smiled at him meekly. He gave you a soft look, he hated seeing you struggle but he had said what needed to be said, said what he had needed to hear when it was him all those years ago. Quickly he changed his expression and smirked tossing you the bag of popcorn cernals you opened them swiftly still fighting a few tears back then looked around deciding on the safest area to throw them.

"So... Just to clarify if this falls down you will save me right?" he smiled nodding"Of course I will, you will be out of here before it even started falling down" you nodded then took two cernals in hand.

"so one or two?" he smiled and held up a finger. One. you threw it up and shreiked as he tried to ignite it missing ...well you only noticed he missed when you heard the little tap of it hitting the floor you both laughed seeing two tiny holes in the side of the barn. You grabbed another and threw it up he missed again, but he ws closer than before.This carried on for another few minutes with you oth getting excited as he got closer just skimming one, the heat from his vision making it partially pop.

"Oh no that one dont count you didnt hit the fuckjng thing!" He argued

"It popped tho!"  You blinked at him.

"Okay half a point ready to go again?" He fist pumped then nodded readying himslef to go agajn.Finally thirty six cernals later he got it. You both jumped up.

"FUCK YEAH WOO!" You quickly moved to the popped popcorn on the floor dusting it off then ate it, you held up your hands to him chewing slowly as if you was a food critic then shook our head.

"Yep no under cooked" you both stared then burst out into hysterics crying with laughter.

"Lets try two this time!" You nodded moving to the bag pulling two more cernals out of the bag when you turned back round you froze. Shit.

"Why are there singe holes all over this barn?" Konner jumped turning around faceing an unamused Clark, who stood frowning at the both of you with his arms crossed. You and konner shared a look then peered around the barn...There was lots of them.. Some were just peep holes others longer and had charred lines around them. In all the fun youd both forgot where you were, and the barn now looked like it had taken a spray of bullets from a firing squad.

"Well? Konner? Y/n?" You cleared your throat and smoved to stand beside Konner

"Konner was...practicing, training" Clark raised an eyebrow shifti g his weight to one foot.

"Hmm? what exactly? See how he could burn the barn down without setting it on fire?" You both winced at his tone...He really wasnt impressed.

"You know this barn is older then me? It survived me growing up playing in it, yet an afternoon with the both of you and it looks about ready  to keel over?....What were you both doing?" You moved to open your mouth but Clark stopped you holding up a hand.

"And if you try to get smart with me and say training again your going to be grounded for much longer then you already are young lady!" You flinched back. Wow. He had never spoke to you like that...Well not since you met him, he was always so laid back and fun, the type of adult you listened to because they were so chill but who knew he could switch over to no nonsense stern dad so effortlessly... You wavered uncertain how to approach him like this, it had been a while since youd cared about an adults opinion of you and you really didn't want Clark to hate you turning you looked to konner for help.

"Well...we were seeing how accurate my aim was...So y/n was throwing popcorn cernals and I was trying to pop them....I did miss a few times." Clark blinked then scanned the barn. He sighed shaking his head at his son exasperated.

"Konner... We've spoke about this I will take you to the fortress to train, but not here you could hurt yourself!" Clark stopped his scolding when he saw you take a large step infront of konner

"It was my fault I wanted to see so I came up with the idea...He was just trying to cheer me up." You stood firm shaking a little, you didn't like Clark raising his voice, he didn't shout but it was enough to make you nervous of him. He fixed you with a look making you cower from him slightly then sighed shaking his head, he didn't want you to be scared of him.

"Thank you y/n. But even if it was your idea he still knows how I feel about it I'm disappointed in both of you. Your both grounded for the rest of the week, this was very reckless and I don't want to catch either of you doing this again are we clear?" You both nodded to him solonmly resigning yourself to a few days being stuck indoors. He sighed then smiled a little to tell you the truh he was happy in a way, you'd become close and were up to mischief, which was good? You could both be a little reckless and act your age. You both had someone to let loose with. But he couldn't help worrying over the two of you. Had you got to carried away the barn could have collapsed,  yes konner would have most likely got you both out but you were already hurt, already vulnerable and fragile.  He really didn't want to risk anything. Luckily it hadn't come to that and the damage to the barm wasn't that bad... A few new boards and a new cross beam at the top, regular humans would need to dismantle the roof to sort it out but him and konner could have it done in an afternoon, he would also have you help as he had no doubt that you'd encouraged your brother. He smiled chuckling catching the two teens by surprise.

"Popcorn...I mean it was obvious right?..Wish I'd thought of that one...Any way lets start sorting this out befor Ma gets home shouldn't take to long not like the time I-" he caught him slef noticing the looks he was getting.

"What did you do to the barn?" You asked breaking the silence as konner waited both eager to hear what Clark had gotten up to when he was little. He cleared his throat

"Never you mind, now come on get to it, start picking up all that corn the we can see about plugging some of those holes" you shared a look with konner moving slowly collecting the corn as Clark moved to the back of the barn inspecting the damage.

"What do you think he did?" Konner shrugged

"Not sure apparently according to Grandma he was a little goody two shoes so... it couldn't have been that bad"

"Im gonna ask her when she gets back" konner froze and shook his head.

"No dont! Do not do that! We don't wana be in trouble with Grandma ever, dads a piece of piss to deal with but Grandma? She is a different beast altogether...To clever with punishments I mean she perfected her methods on him... She knows what shes doing" you blinked at him.

"We? You mean you I wont get in to much trouble...I mean evidence points to you, your the one with laser eyes." You smirked impishly at him as he looked shocked.

"You'd throw me under the bus? Just like that?" You nodded

"To avoid Martha's wrath abso-fucking-lutly sorry dude but Im not getting sucked into that shit show...Actually....Dont worry I got this she will never know." Befor Either on them could ask you'd closed your eyes then opened. Konner took a step back as they glowed bright. And sure enough the small holed were closeing, you coiled the fibres of the wood around in tight circles until the holes were all coveres feeljng aroh d the planks looking for them all. Konner gasped watching the way you manipulated the planks hearing a slight tiny creaking of the wood as it bended around itself.  You moved to the side looking at the damaged beam quickly knitting it back together filling in the two deep burns that ran across it. Slowly you looked back down to the other two and smiled.

"All done...The beam should hold I made the grain tighter where it was." Clark smiled as he made his way towards you patting your shoulder and giving a sweet kiss to your hair.

"Thank you y/n now I think we shouldall head inside dont you?" You stuttered as he continued past you and Konner. Who was gaping at you.

"That was so fucking awsome! You made that look so easy...Is it? Whats else can you dowith it? And your eyes shit! Even I was scared for a second..." you flushed fidgeting going all bashfull.

"Oh haha sorry for scaring you...And that was easythey were tiny holes to plug." You moved slowly following Konner and Clark to the house.

"You still gonna ask Grandma about what he did?" You nodded at him laughing.

"You bet! I wana hear about all the dumb shit he did" he smiled at you as you both made it to the kitchen. Clark had entered and was already sitting down at the table with a drink.

"Your both still grounded by the way" you pouted at him

"No fair I fixed it!" He rose a brow at you

"It wasn't about the damage, I want you both to be carefull, you were reckless and both put yourselves at risk unnecessarily so rest of the week. No phones, games or tv. No leaving the farm and you can help your Grandma and me with the chores..." you sighed and looked to konner defeated he only shrugged in responseas if to say 'nothing you can you do' you slumped down into the chair pouring yourself a glass of juice from the pitcher Konner following suit grumbling to yourselves Clark shook his head getting up placing his glass in the sink. Teenagers.

[hwajin]

disclaimers: this is f!reader angst, expect nothing from me i have bad grammar and im mentally drained. tnx -lorelei/🥟

* minho made an update as i was writing.

心做し (224) ft. 이민호

day 1

to say the least, you were annoyed. too annoyed at the fact you couldn't concentrate in the first day of class. "you should really talk it out with him." jeongin said at you with a concerned look. "i'm not angry i just, hate being second all the time. c'mon ayen, you know that since the first day we became friends."

you were once y/n, the transferee girl. you sat beside jeongin on your first day, who thought you looked cute on your first day.

coincidentally, you liked his friend. a senior who was named minho. assuring to yourself and jeongin that it was nothing more than a crush was the hardest part. being drunk at a party and confessing to him had become what you quote "the best thing i've ever did".

after class ended, you decided to stick with jeongin who became class president and now is tasked to clean the classroom. why were you there? you really trusted him, a lot and as a friend.

"hyung!" jeongin called out to your supposed boyfriend who was walking toward your classroom.

"y/n-ah, bubs, cutie" he said, ignoring the male and rushing to give you a warm hug. "if you feel less, remember i love you so much. today tomorrow forever, remember?" he told you and you just stood there, uncertain how to react.

"y/n you should go home, i'll be waiting for seungmin too." jeongin said with a warm smile, looking at your annoyed face that contrasts minho's neutral face.

for some reason, you and minho walked home not even talking. "i'm-" "please dont remind me again." you coldly said. "i'll make it up to you. iced coffee?" he asked as you shrugged, thinking of your answer but your heart said yes after a second he asked the question.

"i'm super sorry i've been insecure." you muttered while intertwining both your arms. "no big deal. remember that she's a friend." he said as he rubbed your fingers.

you've never really been anyone's first choice, in middle school you never really had a permanent set of friends that treated you like a friend. you were always rejected and your parents never really cared for you as much as other parents do. you knew you grew up quickly, and you're trying to fix yourself as much as you can.

"oh look, the theme park is open today." he said, pointing outside to the moving ferris wheel. "come on, we are fixing the blue, making it color yellow." he said while dragging you outside the coffee shop as you silently drink your coffee.

he put your bangs down slightly, smiling at what he did and ruffles your hair softly. "my y/n is so cute. she's pretty, nice and she is the first person in my mind. "

"minho?" there she was, the girl you hate the most. minho's first love. his family loves her that sometimes you get compared to her. you knew of her existence, unsure if she knew yours though. "ah this must be your new girlfriend!"

noticing your uneasy gazes, minho spoke up. "hi, yeah and we're leaving." he said. "i really don't know where the entrance is, can i come with you? i'm meeting up with my friends." she pouted as you nodded.

"yeah, you're y/n, super cute. minho and you were together since last year? congrats!" she asked and minho was the one to answer. "yeah, here's the entrance to the theme park." he scoffed and held your hand tighter while you walked towards the ferris wheel.

day 2

the next day, you had to bring it up to jeongin and seungmin, people you trusted the most. "yeah its kinda like in a teasing way, i absolutely hate it. its like she wants to punch me in the face and move me out of her way!"

"oh my god, never be a punch bag you can move around." jeongin said. "i'm not a punchbag!" you said in an enthusiasic tone "Y/N ISNT A PUNCHBAG." seungmin accidentally said too loudly, causing the librarian to look and he bowed his head to say sorry. "my bad." he said and the three of you laughed quietly.

day 94

and, you knew it was coming.

after months, she always found a way to be closer to him. after all, she did know him better. while losing time for you, he remembered all the points on why she was his first love after all.

"minho... please dont hurt me anymore mentally. if you want to break up with me, im sorry. i dont know. i just feel too conflicted. i... hate this so much. i want to die. " was the first words you said as he opened up to your door. "i love you y/n." "its always i love you y/n, i love you y/n, fuck do you even mean them?! words aint enough, atleast spend some time with me. i... absolutely hate this."

collapsing to his arms, he felt his tears rushing down his cheeks. "i never knew you felt like that." he said as he caressed your hair. "now you know." you said, as he kissed your tears away. "can we move somewhere else?" he asked, talking about the awkward position you have on the doorway that made you smile.

day 156

"wow, it's snowing!" you said as you tugged minho's arm. "babe, please pay attention to me." you say to your boyfriend over and over again, who has been focusing on his project. you knew it was hard for him, but it was a sunday. and it was a group project. "you done your part yesterday-" "let me finish this first." he said with a scary tone, realizing what he said he decided to let it be for a few moments.

why am i being like this? he asked himself, looking at his girlfriend. his girlfriend, he reminded himself. perhaps he forgot? is his first love comig back to his life?

day 183

"and... thats what i knew. " you said over and over again. "y/n..." "stop messing around with me! you knew i couldve told hwang hyunjin from class c that! i couldve told your friend jisung, i had a crush on them too, but i chose you, and i never regretted it for, one and a half year. you dont even remember our anniversary? could you just ever..." you said, walking away.

"but i wasn't your first choice either." he spit out, and that made you get very angry. "what about now? who is your first choice now, my first choice now would be you. after that day i confessed it became you, i didnt even force myself to. it was because, you were minho i loved. can i... get him back. but fuck no, you played me." you said, and he breathed in and out.

after hours of silence, you left your phone, he noticed. opening the chats and backreading everything, that was the time where indeed he was wrong, he was wrong in all aspects. he never says sorry, its always her. and his phone rang, it was the girl again. he felt a jolt in his heart reading her name, butterflies in his stomach, but he knew there was y/n.

"ah fuck, this is all my fault."

day 192

a week or so since you havent gone to school, thats when you realized your mom cared and told you advice, went online shopping with you. its just that you always view everything negatively.

"someone wants to see you." she said, you hoped it was minho who would tell you sorry.

"y/n... its jeongin and seungmin. i have notes here compiled, even though im from another class. jeongin has english here, are you fine? " they asked while you explained everything.

day 194

deciding to go to school although minho was there was a bad thing. the day consisted of you being mentally unstable, and that wasnt the cherry on top.

"why are you here?" you said once you went out the school campus. "because, i want to. iced coffee?" again, blindly saying yes.

day 200

if you love her, dont be nice anymore. chanted in your head, but cant be said.

" why are you so nice, i know you've fallen out of love. " and he smiled as he looked again at the movie.

"minho. please, give me closure. stop being nice. treat me like a servant. swear at me. tell me im a bitch, whore, i dont know degrade me! please leave my heart alone, i cant cry anymore."

and so he thought for a moment, i cant do that.

day 210

holding you close again while you violently react, he caressed your face softly. tracing each feature and wiping your tears.

screaming, crying, like the storm. but he still held you up, like how he does to you everytime. "it's fine now."

day 224

"if i had a hole in my heart, how do i fix it?" she asked him, the man who she hasnt talked to in 2 weeks. "you've known what it is." he replied subtly.

"its not today tomorrow forever anymore huh. two day, two morrow and four ever. and its feb 24. fucking want to collapse or you just hit me and degrade me like what i said." and you watched him shake his head. "you cant split a heart into two and think it would still work, cant you?"

"but, you can break one into pieces and then they'd pretend its fine." she says with a bitter smile. "please be happy." and those words, those simple words were the confirmation. it was such a bitersweet love, everyone finds their way out of this somehow.

oof wait a minute i gotta read this later I DON'T HAVE TIME RN BUT EVERYONE GO READ

[prpledusk]

So In the wake of the recent update and ux's story comeing to. Close I wanted to try and put my current thoughts and feelings down publicly both for the sake of seeking Validation from the people who follow me for kh stuff and maybe my own friends on this platform who followed me for my kh thoughts, ideas, theories, and musings. Because lets face it I havent exactly been consistant on this hellsite have I? Then again Im not paid to be here so fuck it I post when I want to, this aint my job.

So the ending of Ux came at a bad time personally for me and this is no ones fault. Ive recently been trying to get ahold of my Mental health and Having to deal with my families issues on the side with doctors appointments, job obligations, so on so forth.

Ive simpley not had all the time in the world for posting or keeping up with ux's bullshit and on muiltible occaisions Ive bitched to my friends on kh's stupid dripfeed style of story telling and over time I began to realize a couple of things.

1.) I love KH as a whole but dear frickfucking god its method of storytelling is upsetting and downright frustrating to deal with.

And 2.) Fucking hell Im an over emotional bitch who is way too fucking invested in this story.

For the past few weeks up till now my heads been on the frits, both thanks to new medication my emotions have been all over the goddamn place and I feel like Ive been giving my friends too hard of a time worrying over me because of it, and the fact that Im do heavilly invested In the goat bros part in all of this weeeeell hasnt helpped.

Keep in mind these feelings are no ones fault. Like I said, new meds combined with a Brain thats already chemically imbalanced, mixed with a dash of emotional investment, and a rock bottom self esteem will do that to ya. Just ask any of my friends and they'll tell ya plenty on that.

My point is. I wasnt happy with the union fanale, both with the fact that it was honestly too bittersweet for my taste and the fact that it kinda broke my neck with the amount of Emotional fuckery it gave me in regards to luxu. I legitamately felt like I had been twisted and jerked so much by it that I actually began to fall into a depressive stint that genuinly keeps me from even thinking of Xigbar, braig, or Luxu proper because I became so frustrated, confused, and even hurt.

What ya should be getting from this is that I am an overly emotional and stubborn hoe.

And then a thought occured to me. Im currently trying to get my mental health on track, Im figuring out medication, and Im whining to my friends over a dumb criminal goat and overall being extreamly negative and angry at my friends to the point that sometimes I dont blame them if they decide to avoid me or think me as being. Bit t o o m u c h.

Overall my mental state is as stunted as a ball pythons growth after living in a fishbowl all its life.

Hell Im to the point that Even trying to put my pen on a screen to write and draw up a Ghost!Braig Comic is just makes me fall into irrational self loathing. Even though Ghost!Braig is legitamately something I love and want to do.

But again. Its not like Im getting paid for it, I dont have to do it. So why the hell am I still here doing this to myself?

If something is causing someone mental harm or stress, than the smart and healthy thing to do is distance yourself from that thing so as to gather your thoughts and ensure that you'll be in the right state of mind to come back to it.

So Im going to be distancing myself from doing kh stuff. I'll still be doing the occaisional fanart, but overall I think its best if I take a step back and breathe. Ive been at kh for almost three years now, and while KH gave me a lot of friends who I absolutely adore I need to step away from the current cannon story, wait for updates to pile, then take it all in at once instead of participating in Nomuras Dripfeed method. Because obviously Im not in the emotional or mental state to handle it or even Ghost!braig. Which will be going on hiatus until further notice.

Sorry if you guys only follow me for KH content but iffin ya wanna unfollow thats fine, say hi to ya lovedones and go outside, eat some grass or whatever non introverts do.

With that I wanna say that you folks ought to prioritize your mental health. Seriously, theres nothing wrong with taking a break and sometimes it can be for the better.

[asphalt-cocktail]

For the Sake of Content- Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Just Guilty Pleasure

Summary: After walking in on your long-term boyfriend, Harrison, cheating on you and then losing your job the following day; your find yourself broke, jobless, and single for the first time in a long while. In order to make ends meet, your best friend since college, Freddie, suggests you start soliciting explicit photos of yourself, not only to help boost your confidence but to help pay the rent for his band mate’s apartment you just moved into.

A/N: Heyyyy everyone, I know it has literally been forever since i’ve updated so thank you for sticking with me! I really appreciate you all checking in on me, honestly I have been a little down in the dumps because of some personal things going and also busier than all hell because of school, work, social life, working out, etc. But I finally got it done and i’m not going to lie but it’s all mostly porn with no plot so I hope you all enjoy! Also PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DM me if I have missed your tag! I feel like I am missing some people in my tag reblogs.

Pairing: Roger Taylor x F!Reader

Warnings: Language, mentions of sex work, smut, fluff, some friendly banter between roger and reader, clothing kink??? idk its really just sex, not proof read

Word Count: 3.6k

18+ if you are a minor do NOT interact with this post. This is fictitious content and I own nothing.

Your brain felt like a puddle of mush the following few days. It seemed as though your body and brain could not stop thinking about Roger.

How he touched you.

How he smelled like cigarettes and expensive cologne.

The noises he made as he fucked you against the shower wall.

You know, the usual stuff.

You were beginning to think you would be driven to the mad house if it wasn’t for Veronica shyly calling you up and asking you to accompany her shopping today. You hadn’t really talked to her since your last excursion out with Freddie and the boys and to be frank, it was nice to be in the company of a woman for a change.

You met Veronica down town in the food court of the mall; when you caught sight of her she excitedly waved at you.

“So, are you looking for anything special?” You winced as you sounded like a store employee while trying to hold a basic conversation.

Veronica’s face broke into a grin, “Well John and I are celebrating our one year and I didn’t know what to get him.” You could tell by the little sparkle in her eyes that she was in love “Freddie is nice, but we have,” she paused to think of the correct words, “Conflicting opinions on what to get John.”

You couldn’t help but grin back, Freddie always did have a penchant for lavish things. You pursed your lips, “Well what does John like?” You truly didn’t know him well enough to think of something right off the bat.

Veronica pursed her lips in thought as the two of you continued walking. She rattled off a few generic things which didn’t help spark ideas for either of you, “He’s just always so picky.” She mumbled.

As the two of you walked past window after window of shops, a flash of delicate lace caught your eyes and you paused your steps, “What if you bought some lingerie?” You asked. Veronica’s face flushed and you gave her a playful nudge “Come on, everyone likes a little lingerie; it’s practically the gift that keeps on giving.” You joked.

She let out a playful giggle and the two of you walked into the lingerie store, you began to look through the clothing racks and at displays with Veronica in tow “What colors does john like?” You asked looking at her from the corner of your eye.

Veronica pursed her lips, “I don’t know, I havent really ever worn lingerie for john before.”

“Well does he have a favorite dress or outfit that you wear? We can go based off that.” You suggested.

Veronica looked as though an idea sparked in her mind and she began to scroll through her phone, presumably to look at pictures. She turned to you and showed you two images, one was of her and John very drunk at the club; she was dressed in a tight leopard print dress, and the second was of her and John together, a casual selfie; this time she was in a simple blue sweater. Blue and leopard print. At least now you had something to work with.

In all honesty you didn’t peg John for a leopard print kind of a guy, but here you were. Veronica proved to be more picky than you expected, but you would understand why. A one year anniversary was a big deal in relationships. 365 days is a long time to spend with some one.

After much searching you and Veronica settled on several different styles and outfits that she was going to try on. While you waited you browsed the selection, maybe you too would go home with some new lingerie.

You knew that you would when you’re eyes fell upon a school uniform. It consisted of a mesh top that was cropped just below the mannequins breasts and had a little peep hole cut out in the middle and a cute little bow on the neck. The skirt (if you could even call it that) was the iconic red plaid and had matching suspenders attached to it. To top it all off, it came with a pair of crotchless panties that matched the top. You decided that you had to buy it. It would be a nice little treat for yourself; you hadn’t bought new lingerie since you first went out to stock up.

You quickly fished for your size and grabbed all the pieces to it as you heard Veronica calling you from the dressing room. She poked her head out “Wanna see?” She asked with an excited grin. You eagerly nodded and waited for her to step out.

The lingerie she had picked out was simple, yet sexy. It was a leopard print silk night gown that was adorn with black lace on the edges. “I love it!” You grinned, unable to hold back the excited and girlish giggle that slipped out.

———

After you jokingly told Veronica to let you know how her little surprise for John went, the two of you parted ways and you made it home before Roger did. You hurriedly ran into your room and eagerly dumped out the contents of the bag.

You spread out your new lingerie set on your bed and tapped your chin, “I have to try it on.” You mumbled to yourself and quickly stripped down and replaced your casual day ware with something a little more risqué.

You couldn’t stop looking at yourself in the mirror once you were fully dressed. You shifted, twisting and turning at various angles to get a full glimpse of yourself in the mirror, taking in every inch of your body.

“Jesus Christ,”

You turned to see Roger standing in your doorway. If it was possible, his jaw would have touched the ground. Your face flushed and you quickly let out a small squeak of shock and threw your hands on your chest.

Roger looked at you and licked his lower lip and shook his head before dropping his bags in the hall way and coming chest to chest with you, “Are we going to fuck right now? Because if we aren’t, please for the love of god change.” He practically begged you. His hands rested on your fore arms and he added pressure to them, allowing you to decide if you would lower them and expose your breasts beneath the white mesh fabric

You felt heat pooling between your legs and you slowly lowered your arms. Your nipples were already beginning to harden from the cool air in your room but seeing that look in Roger’s eye did something to you. You traced your finger on the his skin, outlining what wasn’t hidden by his button down and causing goosebumps to rise in the wake of your fingertips. Your fingers trailed up to Roger’s plump lower lip which was still hanging ajar. You lightly traced your fingers along its natural curve, “I think I’ve been a bad girl Mr. Taylor.” You whispered sensually.

Roger’s bright blue eyes immediately darkened and he closed his mouth, clenching his jaw tightly, “Have you now?” He asked, peering down at you through his long lashes. You gave him a pouty look, nodding your head. Roger groaned, bringing his hands to your hips and pulling you flush against him.

You could already feel his half hard erection poking at your bare thigh, “On your knees.” He commanded, suddenly stepping back and allowing a wave of cold air to bite your hot skin.

You obediently followed his commanding voice and sunk to your knees. Automatically your hands went up to his belt and tugged on it. He tutted at you, swatting your hands a way “Where are your manners, [Y/N].” He said, lightly cupping your face in his hands and craning to meet your gaze, “Ask permission first.” He frowned, squeezing your cheeks together and forcing your lips to pucker.

You winced as your teeth bit into the skin of your cheek, but didn’t ignore the shiver that crept down your spine and to the tips of your toes. “Can I please suck you off, Rog?” You whimpered as his grip tightened, “Mr. Taylor” you quickly corrected and sighed when he relaxed his hand.

Roger’s thumb slipped into your mouth where you greedily sucked on it and rubbed your tongue along the calloused pad of his finger tip. Roger pulled it out and nodded his head, “Yes,” He answered breathlessly. Your hands quickly flew up and began to unbuckle his belt and pants, “Say thank you,”

“Thank you, Mr. Taylor.” You answered, your lips still puckered together by his hand.

You slid his jeans and underwear down his legs, thankful that for once he decided to wear loose fitting pants. His half hard length slipped out and you lunged for it, letting out the most pitiful noise when Roger pulled his hips away from you.  

He squeezed the sides of your mouth once more and you took the hint, opening wide for him and sticking your tongue out. He gripped his length in his free hand and slapped against your wet tongue. The lewd smacking sounds filling the air and its heat heavy against your tongue before he slipped it into your mouth.

Graciously he let go of your cheeks and allowed you to work him. You swirled your tongue around the tip and moaned at the taste of him as he filled and stretched your mouth deliciously. Your head bobbed up and down in tandem with his hand, getting him now fully erect.

Experimentally Roger grabbed the sides of your head, burying his hands in fistfuls of your hair and slowly pushed you down. You moaned, telling him you enjoyed his actions and allowed him to use more force. He pushed you down as far a you could go before he felt your throat spasming around his length. You gagged and quickly pulled back, coughing and attempting to catch your breath.

Roger’s face was flushed with arousal and he swallowed thickly, “I’m going to fuck your mouth,” He said and you nodded you head in agreement, “Tap my thigh twice if you want me to stop, okay?” He asked, his expression softening for a moment when you repeated back to him your non verbal safe word.

After getting repositioned, your hands gripped Roger’s hips as he filled your mouth and held the sides of your head once again. His hips experimentally moved against you, his length sliding against your tongue while you remained kneeling.

You let out a small whimper as he dug his fingers into your scalp and began to grip your hair harder. The vibrations shot through him and his hips bucked sharply against your mouth as he began to pick up the pace.

Each of his thrusts was met with the sound of you gurgling and gagging on his dick as it sharply pounded against your throat. Saliva began to pool in the corners of your mouth and dribble down the sides of your cheeks and chin leaving your skin shiny.

You hummed against him, content with being used.

Roger peered down at you, his mouth hanging open, eyebrows knit tightly together, and cheeks dusted red. His thighs clenched and he twitched in your mouth when you met his gaze. Tears freely spilled from your eyes and mixed with your mascara, causing grey lines to streak your face and become smeared against his palm. He pulled out from your mouth abruptly after almost having lost himself.

You gasped as your lungs filled with air and coughed lightly while wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

Roger quickly pulled you up by your arms and pressed a hot opened mouth kiss against your lips. Your teeth clanked together and the two of you desperately clung to each other. Roger’s back fell against the wall and he pulled your thigh up to rest on the side of his waist. He ground against you, letting out a shuttering and helpless moan when he felt your unclothed core grinding back at him.

Roger pulled away “Bed, now.” He said roughly turning you and pushing you in the direction of your bed. You gasped and involuntarily fell forward, catching yourself as your hands collided with the mattress.

Roger let out an audible groan as the split in your panties became very visible to him, your soaking core and bum peeking out through the slit in the lacy fabric. He pushed your skirt back and exposed your bottom half fully. Softly, he rubbed the roundness of your bum and kneaded fistfuls of the plush skin in his hand, “You need to warn a guy the next time you wear these.” He mumbled, watching as his finger slipped between the delicate fabric and disappear between your folds, “You’re fucking soaked,” He huffed, pumping his fingers easily in and out of your tight core. Your back arched and you pushed against him, needy for his touch, “You like being used don’t you?” He smirked deviantly.

You gasped, feeling his fingers curl inside you, “Yes, fuck I love it.” You let the sinful confession slip out of your swollen and abused lips.

Roger slipped the skirt off your hips and finished stripping himself down before he turned you over. His chest heaved as he looked at you. He’d barely even touched you and you were practically writhing for him on the mattress. Roger tapped the back of your thighs, “Come on, love, sit up for me.” He said softly kneeling on the bed and offering you a hand.

You felt a strange twinge in your stomach at his endearing tone and sat up. Roger helped you out of your mesh top, groping your breasts as they spilled from it. He leaned over and briefly took them in his mouth, sucking and flicking his tongue over the pebbled buds before he moved and sat at the top of your bed.

Roger held his arms open and beckoned you to sit in his lap. So clad only in your panties you crawled over to him and took your seat. Roger’s nose touched yours and his breath softly blew against your face. The smell of cigarettes and spearmint gum causing you to feel dizzy from the familiarity of it. His lips barely brushed over yours. You could feel the warmth of his skin radiating off and were pretty sure he could feel your heart threatening to beat out from your chest.

Roger captured your mouth in a much softer kiss. Grabbing the back of your head and keeping you close against him. Your mouths moved in tandem and familiar motions together; you whimpered feeling him moving his hands to your hips. He beckoned you to lift your hips and helped position you over his length, trying to break the contact with your mouth as little as humanly possible.

Roger hissed as he felt the smooth and delicate fabric of your lace panties brush against his cock as he slid into you. You sank down and wrapped your legs around his waist and he held you close with one arm crawling up your back and the other helping to guide your hips.

“Roger” You whined, burying your face into his neck and sighing as you felt him slipping in and out of you. The feeling of him filling you up and rubbing against your walls caused each and every one of your nerve endings to stand on end and his touches ignited a path of flames in their wake. You gasped and arched into his chest while Roger held you impossibly close.

He broke away from your mouth and trailed a peppered kisses along your cheeks and kitten licks down your jaw until he latched onto your neck, sucking and biting at the hot sweaty skin. He sucked on it until there was a deeply colored mark tainting your perfect skin; he let out a little whimper as he ran his tongue over it to soothe the tenderness that had built up.

Roger held your tightly against his chest, so tightly that your back began to arch uncomfortably. You were too distracted to notice the muscles cramping along your spine, “You take me so well baby,” Roger huffed in your ear, the hot breath moving your stray hairs and causing them to tickle your skin.

Your breaths got hotter and whinier and your nails raked down his shoulders “You like it when I fuck you like this, love?” Roger asked pulling your hips down harder and meeting you with his own thrusts.

Your mouth hung open and you gripped your breasts, pushing and kneading them together and pinching your nipples for added stimulation, “Fuck yes,” you gasped out in response.

Roger watched you bouncing on top of his lap, your breasts squished together, and your skin slick with sweat. His brows knit together as he tried to stave off his impending orgasm and his hand buried itself between your leg, skillfully rubbing rough circles around your swollen clit. You leaned against Roger and buried your face into his long, now damp hair and gripped tightly onto his forearms as he quickly brought you over the edge.

Your walls clenched and pulsated around his cock and he shuttered against you, choking out a whiny groan of his own before he buried himself to the hilt and filled you with his hot seed.

You gasped and your eyes shot open and Roger quickly pulled way. His face was red and his eyes were wide “I’m sorry, shit, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to- it-I just-” he sounded panicked as he pulled out of you.

The evidence of your actions began to leak down your thigh as you sat hovering over Roger’s lap, slightly shocked that he came inside you, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” You said softly.

He continued to babble, as he usually did when he was flustered and you gripped the sides of his face, forcing him to focus on you. “Roger, it’s fine I’m not upset we can buy Plan B later today, okay?” You said in a firm tone, hoping to ease his worries.

Roger swallowed thickly and nodded his head, “Yeah, okay,” He was only slightly put at ease by your words, “I’m sorry,” He said once more.

You felt emotions tugging at your heart from his sincere words, you placed a lingering kiss on his lips “It’s fine I promise.” You said and softly smiled at him, “We just have to use a condom next time, okay?”

———

After your whole little Plan B incident, you and Roger were more careful to say the least, but, it didn’t curb the sexual appetite the two of you had developed for each other. It was both good and bad; good because you had no shortage of content for your little side hustle and bad because you found yourself craving Roger. The two of you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and surprisingly enough, Freddie and your mutual friends hadn’t noticed anything.

“Hey, Rog?” You called as you entered the living room. After the two of you had finally finished up painting the walls the room, like you said, had managed to look much brighter and more open; though you could still some how see the outlines of the miss matched shapes Roger painted over the layer you put over them. It added character to the walls, you supposed.

“Yeah?” He answered back, pausing his game and setting his PlayStation controller on the table.

“Some guy sent in a video request.” You said pursing your lips and frowning.

Roger quirked his head at you, “What is it?” He asked getting up and walking towards you.

“A video in public,” Your face flushed at your words.

Roger’s eyes held a devilish glint, the opposite reaction you held, “Public you say?” He teased, “What’s he want us to do?” He pressed obviously getting a rise out of the personalized request.

You shifted, “I don’t know, like do stuff in public; like me giving you head under a table or you fingering me in a movie theater, or-”

“Having sex in a bathroom?” Roger quickly interrupted you.

You frowned, “No, I’m better than bathroom sex, Roger.” You said firmly.

Roger couldn’t help but laugh, “I never said you weren’t,” He quickly added, wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing your shoulder, “It would be hot though, wouldn’t it? All cramped up in a stall, having to be quiet while people came and went?” He tried to sound enticing, but you weren’t having it. He could tell from the expression on your face, “What about the closet after a gig? You haven’t been to one of our shows in a while.” He smirked against the skin on your neck, “I know how hot you get after one of our shows.” He teased.

You shivered, “I don’t know about that, what if Fred or Brian hear?” You looked away bashfully.

“All right then, what do you want to do?” He said, hoping you would make up your mind.

You pursed your lips in thought, “We can do it after one of your shows in the bathroom,” you sighed, secretly trying to suppress your excitement.

Roger grinned at you, “We’ve got that big show in a few days, is that soon enough?”

You nodded your head, before you felt your face heat up more, “Hey, Rog?” You questioned, playing with the hem of your shirt. Roger hummed in response, “Can you wear that white vest?” You asked feeling the head spreading from your face down to the back of your neck.

A grin spread across Roger’s soft features and the sides of his eyes crinkled “With the little tassels on it, right?” He couldn’t hide the amused tone in his voice or the grin that held it’s place when you nodded sheepishly in response

[willsilvertongue]

so shadow and bone made me reread the soc duology which? is kinda strange bc i read it years back in my native (dutch) tongue and so reading the english was weird but uh. i love jesper and also like. wylan, which- they both had more and less backstory then i remember? like i thought that jesper at one point had visited home but that was all flashback lol. but also like i love these crows. i also defo enjoyed inej and kaz more this time around! anyway this is disjointed but like,- i find myself wondering if they will ever discover what happened to wylan before he was like employed by kaz? also does. kaz know (i mean yeah probably) and. i would love to know how inej is faring,, and i could probably read more about kuwei and wylan and jesper, about their lives before- now i havent read the nikolai duology yet but that's mostly bc i want to read the grisha trilogy which is also a result of the shadow and bone series. did you read all books in the series? did you enjoy them?

oo dutch i guess you must've picked up on leigh bardugo's odd way of combining languages to create words that are not necessarily grammatically consistent lmao. s&b made me start rereading soc too bc i missed the crows and wanted more content but sadly i never got past the first few chapters for reasons unknown so i should let you know that my memory is super fuzzy 😭 but yeah from what i can /remember/ it felt like both jesper and wylan didn’t get much backstory - and i’m not sure if it’s bc characters like kaz and inej have such heavy and traumatic pasts that are mentioned almost from the get-go that they kind of overshadow the pasts of other characters? but like you said wylan and jesper also have more backstory than you remembered so i am looking forward to that when i eventually pick up the book again hah

kanej DOES serve and i think their beauty lies in the small moments they share which you can only really catch & appreciate when rereading so that makes total sense :’) i'm not sure we'll ever find out more about what happened pre-soc bc LB doesn't have plans for a soc3 but i feel like the show might offer us that opportunity since it's apparently going to take a few seasons before we get to the heist plot (rip). but i definitely feel robbed about knowing so little about kuwei :( i feel like fandom isn’t very welcoming of him but he’s someone who i would have LOVED to see be explored as a character in his own right.

i’ve only read six of crows bc i’ve been warned against the grishaverse trilogy since it's not as good but i DO want to read the spinoff nikolai series if only for the main ship sdkjflsd. i’ve actually been told that you can go straight to that series without reading the original one if you want but yeah i get the urge to read everything just so you’re in the know. in any case i highly recommend it based on the snippets i’ve seen since everyone i know had a fun time reading most of it! and the crows (or a few of them) are also mentioned/make an appearance in the second book of that duology so that's definitely another reason to rec it. six of crows stays superior bc of the crows and their relationships w one another but i've also seen great ship-related quotes from the first trilogy so if that appeals to you you probably won't have a bad time reading it anyway <3

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Forty-One, “Finally”

*Gifs are not mine*

Clickable Links:

- *NEW* Becky Magazine Cover from an O.C. Tag Challenge c:

- Masterlist feat. all chapters and Character Surveys

- Inspo tag

- Hecky Playlist

- Read on Wattpad

Warnings: None

Word Count: 10.3k words

Song:  You’re Still The One by Shania Twain, bc duh Just Like Heaven by The Cure (click to listen)

A/N: I am SO excited for you to read this chapter, you’ll soon find out why ;)

                                 SNEAKYYYYYY PEEEEEK

For the fiftieth time in the last two days, I couldn’t be more grateful for how easy things are coming together. I couldn’t be more thankful to have him by my side. It still feels like a dream getting to live this life now, and getting to work with him on the daily, singing Spice Girls amidst stolen cheek kisses.

One puzzle piece at a time, and there’s only one or two pieces left in this puzzle of ours.

"And then my soul saw you and it kind of went ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you.’"

                             - Iain Thomas, ‘I Wrote This For You’

There was truly nothing that could rock the waves I was currently riding, and I couldn’t wait a second longer to do the very thing that would make them even bigger. They had only climbed since telling Asher earlier this evening, and the smile that shared on our faces. 

Skye was sprawled out on the sofa when I opened the door, finding it impossible to hide the grin on my face as I read a text from Harry that had dinged a moment before. 

i havent been this excited for somethin in a long time bug. absolutely cant wait to see u on friday, idk if i can wait that long ;) good luck on ur case with Myles 2moro, you’ll do great Becks xo

“Well, look who has a pep in her step, all of a sudden. I don’t think I’ve seen you smile in days, since Harry’s left. What’s the occasion, Ree?” she teases, surprising me with the simple act of muting an episode of The Great British Bake Off that our nights consist of as of late. 

“I may have had a good day,” I suggest with a shrug of my shoulders as I put my coat away in the closet. 

“Since bloody when? You were in a shitty mood the last time we spoke, having ‘Harry withdrawals,’ or something. I’d say the only reason you could be happy right now is if you’d seen him, which would be impossible seeing he’s in Glasgow for another few days,” she mutters. I observe the look on her face change and how her eyebrows dance along her forehead after I turn around to face her, letting the smile lose. “Wait, he’s still there, isn’t he?” she questions, reaching a hand out as if looking for an answer with her body, too. 

My head shakes from side to side slowly as my lips part to show my teeth, a rarity among my smiles, and the expression dawning on her face tells me she recognizes it too. “He came back today, his case finished early, Skye. And I asked him out on a date!” 

“You didn’t?! Ree, you better not be kidding with me, or I’m gonna be really pissed at you!” she chuckles, feigning intimidation in her voice. Hints of the emotions buzzing around inside of me play across her face, meanwhile, my happiness keeps growing notch after notch. 

I don’t know if I can wait that long either, Harry, cause I can’t remember the last time I was this excited. Thank you so much xxx

“I’m not kidding, Skye, and he said yes! He didn’t even let me finish asking and he said yes!” I exclaim after sending the text I had been typing, feeling her arms come around me in a shock when I look back up. 

“I’m so fucking happy for you, Ree, it’s about bloody time!” she remarks excitedly, almost crushing me in a hug. 

“Me too, I can’t remember the last time I was this happy,” I admit softly, relaxing in her arms, even though part of me wishes they were the arms of somebody else. Only an hour later, and I already miss him. Wow, I’ve got this bad. 

“Did you kiss him at least?!”

“No, I’m waiting for the date, I guess. I looked like proper crap today, I’ve been up so late the last few nights prepping for the case with Myles,” I laugh, pulling away from her smell of peaches and chocolate when my pocket dings. 

“First kisses aren’t something you plan, Ree, they just happen out of nowhere. The sooner, the better.” 

“I guess you’re right,” I confess with a smile stuck to my lips. “We’ll just see what happens.”

+

Happiness and its synonyms still fill me to the brim an hour later, and whilst my thumbs flit across the screen of my phone. Her words stare back at me, and unbeknownst to me how, I wish I could see her again already. My footsteps wander down the main hallway, and before I know what I’m doing, I arrive at her door. Low and behold, it’s closed and my heart sinks into my chest when I find darkness waiting behind it. 

miss u already bug xoxo

My words are whisked off to her, and soon my legs are entering the doorway of a certain somebody’s office, although not the one I was hoping for.

“It’s about time you made your rounds and came to say hi to me. Should I feel offended I’m the last one on your list?” Myles teases from behind his desk with a grin lining his lips. 

“Oh, shuddup. Did Becks leave already fer tha night?” I question, letting my shoulder fall to the door frame as I watch the small ‘delivered’ appear under my blue text. 

“Yeah, I ran into her about twenty minutes ago in the break room when she was clocking out. What, didn’t you already see her?”

“Ya, she was me first visitor. I was jus’ hopin’ t’ see her ‘gain,” I shrug, well aware of the terrible job I’m doing of hiding the one hundred watt smile I’m wearing. 

“And does that have anything to do with you blinding me with that smile of yours?” he inquires, raising a sandy blonde eyebrow at me. 

“Maybe it has sumthin’ t’ do with me havin’ a date with her on Friday, as of an hour ago,” I reveal casually with a shrug of my shoulders, feeling the smile grow larger somehow. 

“Fucking finally,” Myles chimes with happiness spreading across his face, and I nod quickly. 

“I know, ‘s all finally comin’ t’getha fer us.”

+

It would be accurate to say that I was still in utter disbelief after yesterday, and rehashing it all to Skye the second I got home only made it all seem more real, and even better. Then again, that was an understatement, because I had been waiting for this for years. I had been waiting to feel this way for too long, and to be able to say and think that I have a date with Harry tomorrow. An actual, proper date. Several times, I cursed myself for not making the date on Thursday night, tonight, because although I had waited painstakingly for five days, another two felt like twenty years.

It was even bittersweet coming to work the next day and not seeing him there, confusing the habits and expectations I had come to know. I still had to finish up the case with Myles that he would finish arguing, with my help, for the next two days. I tried to think of it that way, that the date would be even better after finishing that case, and in a way, signifying my return to Harry. God, it was all too perfect, but it would be even more so if I didn’t have to wait another bloody day, well actually two, to see him. Yesterday wasn’t long enough, but when I think about it, no length of time ever is with him and that’s how I know I’m in trouble.

Also, that I’m walking right into one of my dreams.

+

After a morning spent in court starting off the case, I was back at the firm with Myles after lunch to work on it some more. He had given me more time to myself to work on my own than Harry had, but I preferred it that way. Harry was right, Myles was good to me, and I did learn a lot from him, but it wasn’t the same as being with Harry. Nothing has ever and never will be the same as being with him, certainly not. Also, the whole Family and Interpersonal side of court was depressing as fuck, I found out. The topic littered Harry and I’s conversations the last almost week, resulting in me taking after him and deciding to stay far away from it for now. 

I’m reminded of him everywhere I go, and it definitely makes trying to get my work done all the more difficult. I see his face in the succulent sat at the corner of my desk, behind my office chair where he would lean over me to help me on my laptop, on my sofa where he opened his birthday presents with explosive happiness, and in the reflection on the tall window where I now stand in the same spot as on his birthday when he hugged me against his front with a kiss to my head. A day later, and it all still feels so surreal to me, and I’m not mad about it. I appreciate its distracting qualities, leaving me to not worry as much about what the hell I’m going to wear tomorrow, and messing things up. Skye’s already picked out five outfits for me by now, I’m sure, but I was at a loss last night when I perused my closet. The pressure to impress somebody I’ve already met a hundred times, feels even greater than my second interview I had at the firm, and I tell myself I don’t know why, even though I do.

I want to wear the right thing, and feel beautiful. More than that, I don’t want to mess things up between us, again, no matter how stupid that sounds. No matter how premature it is to worry about right now.

With the happiest of sighs, I wander over to my bookshelf that now sits a dozen law books, gifts from Harry, Skye, Robbie, my dad, and Asher. Perhaps my favorite, to no surprise, is the Lawyer’s Dictionary that Harry got me. It has a section for all of the law jargon, another on many important laws, and lastly finishes with a guide for working the courtroom. I was just getting on my tippy toes to grab it when I feel a pair of arms surround my chest and pull me against theirs. 

“Hiya, brat,” a voice teases, tickling my neck. 

“Harry!” I exclaim with surprise, grabbing hold of his forearms. “Why do you love to scare me so much?”

“I dunno, ‘s fun, and coz yer a brat, so ya deserve it,” he giggles, and finally I relent and do too as I turn around to face him. 

“I am not a brat!” I argue, finding his flushed stubbly cheeks, taking a second to get used to the thick stubble covering them now. 

“Ya are, I reckon, couldn’t even wake me up last night t’ finish tha rest o’ tha FRIENDS episode on FaceTime, jus’ kept watchin’ along without me. If that doesn’t make ya a brat, then I dunno what does,” he tuts, clucking his tongue as he shakes his head at me. My giggles grow into a hearty chuckle as his folded hands settle at the small of my back. 

“Harry Edward!” I scoff, swatting at his chest once again hidden by his Northface coat, matching his black skinny jeans. 

“Hey, ya betta watch that hand o’ yers, bug, and that mouth too.”

“I’m not a brat,” I whine, all facial features falling into a pout that immediately grabs his attention. 

“Rebecca Ann, don’t even start with me. Put that bloody pout away befo’ ya regret it,” he insists, pointing his eyes at me with the smallest of smirks peeking through on his lips. It wins him over and soon his dimples accompany his deep laugh. “Stop, yer not a brat, bug, ‘m jus’ teasin’ ya. Y’know that. Jus’ can’t believe it didn’t even take a week fer ya t’ skip ahead o’ me in our show.”

“The episode was already three quarters of the way over!” I protest, earning a good finger wag at me. I fight back and push against his chest. “And I didn’t want to wake you up, you were so tired.”

“No, it was not! It was only half way through and ya couldn’t even wake me up! How rude o’ my Becks t’ be makin’ up excuses.” 

“Stop being mean to me,” I pout again, beginning to turn away with my arms crossed over my chest. 

“Hey, ‘m jus’ givin' ya a hard time, bug, y’know that. Yer neva a brat, and even if ya are, yer my brat,” Harry hums warmly, the honey returning to his voice in full force as he catches me around the middle with his arms once again. I can’t remember the last time I heard his voice absent of the honey, though. I don’t ever want to. “I wouldn’t want ya any otha way.”

“I knew you were only joking.”

“You li’l liar!” he laughs against my temple and mine joins his ever so contagious one. “Y’know, ‘ve always loved how ya neva take me shit and how ya can dish it right back, Becks.”

“Of course, I figured out at  the very beginning that I wouldn’t get by without it.”

“That’s me girl,” he coos, bringing me forth and round to find his gentle green eyes once more. They smile at me with a sparkle to them I haven’t had the pleasure to know before. I’ve yet to see him look at anybody this way, and I wonder if I have my own special look in my eyes for him, too. If I do, it was born long ago. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you had said you were going to take it easy until Monday, since your case got done early,” I wonder aloud, unsure of what to do with my hands until they venture to his coat’s zipper on their own, pulling it up and down distractedly. 

“I was, until My’ roped me into a partner meetin’ t’day, and I wanted t’ see a special sumbody,” he sighs with an accented roll of his eyes at first, and then they dish out their dazzle on me. “But that’s it, and ‘m off afta that. I hafta do a li’l work fer my case afta finishin’ it, but it’ll only take ten minutes tops. Then laundry, cleanin’, and tha like at home before grocery shoppin’. Only jus’ now got outta bed, tha bloody jetlag.”

“Ah, I see. The work of a lawyer never ends, it seems,” I comment and he nods above me, eyes watching my every move closely. “God, if I knew you’d be here today I would have tried a little harder when I got dressed this morning,” I laugh nervously, my eyes falling to his crimson button-up peeking out from his coat, decorated with gray flowers and foliage. 

“Ya don’t even hafta try and ya look gorgeous, Becks. Promise,” Harry disagrees, the molasses pouring out from his words and into my heart, pushing the very last chip away. Just like that, I’m all his again, but I think it happened long before this and I didn’t know. Daring a look up at him, the dimples couldn’t be deeper in his cheeks as his sunshine smile radiates onto me, the pad of his thumb rough against my cheek. “I sure missed seein’ that smile, ‘s me favourite.” 

My anxiousness carries away with the sunshine, and I’m left with red cheeks and a smile that makes them hurt. It almost pains me to look into his bright sunny eyes, but I wouldn’t want to be looking anywhere else. Finally, I let myself look and with that, I let him in a little further and start to let go. 

“You’re really laying it on thick,” I jest harmlessly with a smile, dragging my finger down the seam of his chest where the two sides of the fabric meet in red cloth buttons. 

“Ya, coz I finally can,” he grins, and the warmth spreading across my body in tingly waves finds an outlet in a soft laugh of mine. 

Anxious yes, but ever so happy while his hand spreads out flush against my back, fingertips moving lazily. I’ve already pinched myself once or twice today wondering if this is all a dream, and shocked that I could ever be this happy. There were so many times I doubted the existence of it and its possibility, and everything it had to do with having this with Harry. Predictably, an electronic twinkle interrupts our conversation, and I’m confused to find him lifting his wrist. 

“Woah, look at the fancy lawyer,” I tease, his already colossal smile growing taller as he flicks a finger across his shiny new Apple watch. “That must have cost a pretty penny.”

“Ya, and My’ dished out e’ry last cent,” he titters, pressing his palm to the shiny surface rounded by space grey edges, returning his eyes and hands to me. “It was his birthday present t’ me, sayin’ that I should be mo’ organized at me age, or sumthin’.”

“Talk about brutal honesty right there.”

“Don’t go bloody agreein’ with him now!” Harry scoffs, but his mouth open in disgust is no more, lined by joyous lips that soon attack my cheeks in kisses. 

“No, no, no!” I beg aloud in shrieks when his quick fingers dance along my ribs, sending jolts of electricity across my body. More exclamations and pleas escape them before I say the magic words, “Harry Edward!” 

“What d’ya want, hmm, Rebecca Ann?” he asks breathlessly, that adorable breathy laugh falling off of his glossy cherry lips. 

“I think you like saying my full name too much,” I contend, giving up and falling into the sage green abyss of his eyes for the hundredth time, or more. 

“Maybe I do. Maybe I like it,” he shrugs mischievously, that smirk glued to his lips that pull me in. 

“Do you like it, the watch?”

“Ya, ‘s nice. I thought ‘d told ya ‘bout it, sorry. Reckon it has helped me t’ stay organized. Speakin’ of, me meetin’ ‘s inna few, so I hafta take off, bug,” he croons with disapproving lips, his bottom lip soon jutting out from the top. 

“Harry Styles, don’t you even!” I threaten rather weakly, the sounds of happiness leaving my lips doing a good job of that. 

“Oh, and what if I don’t? Hmmm, Rebecca Holte, jus’ what will ya do ‘bout it?” Harry returns, wiggling an eyebrow at me that makes my chest rumble with harder laughter. 

“I’ll just have to stop you, but I don’t know how just yet.”

A devilish smirk is born on his lips before my eyes, and soon leaves my view while his face escapes to the crook of my neck, his voice soon tickling my skin, “Lawyers gotta be quick on their feet, bug. Reckon I can think o’ a way ya can make these lips stop poutin’, maybe ya can try it on me t’morro’ afta our date,” he hums against my neck, knitting up his sentence with a whisper of a kiss below my ear.

I feel like a fricken sixteen-year-old all over again, and I’m loving every second. 

“You better get going to your meeting, before you’re late, Harry,” I giggle uncontrollably,  sure that my face is blotchy with red all over because of what he just said. My suspicion is confirmed when he lifts his head of moused curls to look me in the eyes again, and the glint in them tells me so. I feel like I can read him even better now, all because he’s letting me. 

“‘s alright, they expect me t’ be late by now, ‘s a given,” he insists with a comedic shrug of his shoulders, hands wandering away from my back and to our sides where they invite my hands into his. 

“Will you stop and say goodbye this time?”

“‘Course, bug. ‘m sorry I missed ya yestaday, ya had already left afta I had made me rounds,” he assures me, receiving a quiet ‘it’s okay’ from me. 

“Try not to fall asleep at your meeting today,” I joke, watching his eyes roll into the back of his head briefly before he scoops me into his arms for a squeeze. 

“I won’t if ya promise not t’ be a brat anymo’ and skip ahead in our show.”

“Get lost and go to your meeting already!” I laugh, shoving him away by his chest, observant of his mouth relaxing into a disbelieving ‘O’. His laugh echoes mine quickly, only disrupted when my hand comes to his cheek to plant my lips on his other for a few seconds longer than necessary. “I’m so glad you’re back, Harry.”

“So am I, Becks, so bloody much,” he echoes, holding my hands a little tighter in his, even bringing one to his lips for a kiss. “Good luck on yer case, love, for tha thousandth time. ‘m so proud o’ you.”

With that, he leaves me in a puddle of my own surreal emotions, disappearing from my office with a look over his shoulder wearing that smirk. That very smirk I want so desperately to kiss off those cherry lips already. Tomorrow, I think, if I can make it until then. Just one more day.

+

I had been struggling with finishing this last part, or rather redoing it, for too long now. When my eyes again strayig to the violet clock, I was surprised to find that it had been almost an hour, and I hadn’t gotten much further. With my head in my hands, I sigh as feelings battle to be felt within my insides. After today’s argument, Myles and I had to shift our approach, and I still wasn’t sure of how to do that. He had been helping me, of course, but I still felt so lost. It doesn’t help that he’s currently caught up in the partner’s meeting that Harry is also at, and Jennings who is but isn’t a partner. I still don’t get it, even though Harry explained it to me a few times. The next time he does, I’ll have to remember to ask him to dumb it down for me. 

Even after pouring over our shared notes in Google Docs, and my several law books strewn across my desk, I’m at a loss for what to do.

I wish more than anything that it was already five pm tomorrow, and that the only thing I have to think about is my date with Harry. I still don’t know what the hell to wear, or to do with my hair, or how heavy to go with my makeup. 

“Why tha long face, bug?” somebody pipes up, pulling me away from my immersive thoughts. Blinking hard, I tear my eyes away from the laptop screen and look over to the door, but I don’t lift my tired head from my propped fist. 

“I don’t know what to do for my argument.”

“Still? Why didn’t ya jus’ ask, Becks?” Harry hums with an inviting smile, pressing the door to come just shy of closing. 

I shrug my shoulders with a heavy exhale, scrolling through what I have so far, quickly realizing how embarrassing it’ll be to show him. I can’t exit out quickly enough, hearing his footsteps arrive behind me. 

“Hey, what d’ya think yer doin’?” he teases when I switch tabs, quickly feeling the weight of his hand on top of mine, dragging the mouse along. “Don’t be nervous, love, ‘m here t’ help. Always am,” he coos softly, a hand settling on my adjacent shoulder, earning me an encouraging squeeze. 

“It’s embarrassing, Harry. I’ve been sitting here for over an hour trying to figure out what to do, and I have next to nothing to show for it.”

“Relax, ‘s only yer first official case yer arguin’. Don’t be so hard on yerself, Becks. It sounds like ya need a break, bug,” he insists, sending sparks along my left arm as he rubs stripes along the skin. It’s not long before I hear a familiar laugh and slowly, Harry’s dancing figure comes into view. “Yo ‘ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want. So tell me what ya want, what ya really, really want,” he belts out, his phone blasting the song cupped in his hand. 

“Oh my God,” I sigh with an accidental laugh, my head falling into my hands. I’m too curious though, and so I peek out from behind my spread fingers to watch him sing passionately with his eyes closed while breaking out some amusing dance moves. “Please, stop,” I chuckle, but I’m sure he also hears the lie in my voice. 

“‘m not stoppin’.”

“Please, Harry. You’re going to make me die from secondhand embarrassment,” I confess into my hands, feeling brave and letting my fingers fall down to below my eyes. Mistakenly, his catch mine and they fly back up to cover my eyes, or for the most part. 

“Rebecca Ann, ‘m not stoppin’ ‘til ya come and join me.”

“Then you’re going to be there for a while,” I say with a shrug of my shoulders, certain of one thing and that’s the smile claiming my lips, and the forgotten document staring at me. I’m too preoccupied with the silly, dancing man in front of my eyes, and how somehow this makes me love him all the more. 

“Becks,” he insists, in between singing along to the song very badly. Oh no, I think as his steps near me once again. Before I know it, I’m staring into darkness as his breath tickles the back of my neck. 

“Stop,” I beg with laughs interjected among my pleas. They grow into near shouts and exclamations when his singing is accompanied by his fingers dancing across my sides, and along the slopes of my neck. “Harry!” I almost yell, and when my laughs couldn’t hurt my belly more, it all ceases. Only the singing remains and is joined by his stubbly cheek against my temple, and his arms coiled around my shoulders. “If ya wanna be my lova, ya gotta get with my friends.”

“Make it last forever, friendship never ends,” I continue for him, giggles heard at the end when his nose tickles the corner of my sensitive neck. 

“There’s me happy Becks, ‘m glad I found her ‘gain,” Harry coos, leaving a kiss on my temple before he helps me to tackle my argument. 

Five days did and didn’t feel very long when I think about it now, with his arms wrapped around me as his voice tickles my ear. Too easily, I can remember his absence over those long days, and how effortlessly they felt far longer. I barely survived with his texts and phone calls alone, and it hurts to think that if it hadn’t been for his case finishing early, I’d still be sitting here in my office all in my lonesome. 

Those thoughts are yanked away - thank God - when his voice brings me back, spewing legal mumbo jumbo that luckily nowadays I can understand, but I couldn’t have always said that. Harry makes quick work of what would be my best route to take and how I do that, and for the fiftieth time in the last two days, I couldn’t be more grateful for how easy things are coming together. I couldn’t be more thankful to have him by my side. It still feels like a dream getting to live this life now, and getting to work with him on the daily, singing Spice Girls amidst stolen cheek kisses.

One puzzle piece at a time, and there’s only one or two pieces left in this puzzle of ours.

+

The murmur of voices assaults my ears when I walk through the door, and feel my vision tugged towards the ceiling decorated with chandeliers. A song by Frank Sinatra floats around the entryway, hardly calming my overactive nerves, despite it being a favorite of my late grandpa’s. When I finally reach the host’s stand, the nerves topple out with my words, jumbling them.

“Reservation for H-Harry Styles, please,” I tell the towering, dark haired man. After a few moments tapping away on the kiosk, he grabs two menus and leads me through a maze of linen covered tables sat under the glow of the several chandeliers. 

I try to hide my disappointment when he leads me to an empty, round table, leaving with a few words about my server being with me soon. Another feeling bubbles up inside me, forcing itself to join all of the others mixed together within me. I had a feeling I was too early, I think silently as I shrug off my long pea coat to hang over my chair. Skye’s wishes of good luck and ‘lots of snogging’ float back to me, filling my sad cheeks with another wash of pink. ‘No, you aren’t driving yourself, I’m dropping you off so then you can get a ride home with him, and lay a big one on him when he walks you up,’ she had insisted, but the anxiousness years in the making is doing a good job of making me doubt myself tonight. 

My attention drifts to my phone that is silent with no new messages, but I still check our conversation. The last message was from him:

see u in half an hour for our date bug :) xxx

My thumb scrolls through our previous messages, straying to last night’s that brings a smile to my face. 

I have no idea what to wear tomorrow :/ 

meant it when i said u look beautiful in anything Becks ;) help what should i wear ? xx

I might be a little impartial to that gray suit you wore to my class lecture that one time ;) 

noted ;) i may especially love the color red on u if u wanna know 

Noted ;) Question....

shoot, love 

Skye was gonna drop me off tonight on her way to her boyfriend’s …. Would a ride home be too much to ask?

course not Becks. anytime u need a ride im here. id love to give u a ride home. perfect we can jam 2 some spice girls in the car then ;) 

I can’t wait

neither can i bug :) 

My reminiscing is interrupted when my eyes fall to my outfit of choice, tugging up the scoop neck that Skye insisted wasn’t ‘too slutty.’ Now, I’m not so sure about it, and I can’t decide if I wish he’d show up already, or if I’m not ready. Those thoughts are stolen away when the texts disappear on my phone, his smiling face claiming the screen with a jingle. 

“Hello?” I answer with a gulp, trying to hide the anxious tremble in my voice. I can’t help it, my eyes dart to my wrist, noticing it’s already 6:05 pm.

“Hi, bug. ‘m sorry but tha traffic ‘s horrendous and ‘m afraid ‘ll be late gettin’ t’ tha restaurant. E’rybody else ‘s comin’ home from work too,” Harry explains from the other side, a weird sound taking over his voice. Yeah, we’re not too good at this pretending thing anymore, are we? I can hear the nerves in his voice, probably just like he can hear them in mine. 

“Oh, it’s okay, Harry. I don’t mind at all, just be careful driving,” I respond, feeling a sense of relief at knowing where he is. I know he never would, but it squashes the tiny voice inside of me saying he wasn’t ever going to show up. 

“‘Course I will, love. Thanks fer understandin’. Reckon ‘ll be there in ten. Are ya there already?” he responds, just the sound of his voice doing wonders at calming me down. The only thing that could take it all away is a hug, one of his.

“Yeah, I just sat down.”

“Mmmm, d’ya mind scopin’ out tha menu while yer there? I won’t be too long, we can order once I get there, if that’s alright,” he asks, the sound of traffic sneaking into our phone call for a second. Then, I hear him sigh ‘finally’ and the subsequent thrum of the motor.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll see you soon then, careful driving.”

“I can’t wait t’ see you, Becks,” he hums before hanging up, leaving me sitting across from an empty chair that I can’t stop picturing him sitting in. 

This is really happening.

Finally.

+

The sound of her voice rings in my ears, and does nothing to stop the anxious shakes coursing throughout my body. Curses fall under my breath as I honk at somebody who pulls out right in front of me, making me slam on my brakes. With a sigh, I turn on my indicator before making my turn.

Pulling my keys from the ignition drenches my surroundings in silence, and reminds me of my heart beating wildly within my chest. Looking up, the decorative windows of the restaurant appear before me in shrouded light. She’s somewhere in there . . waiting for me.

Get it together, Harry. You can do this.

My eyes drift to the rear view mirror and I card my fingers through my hair until it looks decent enough. That’s as good as it’s going to get, I almost mutter while smoothing down my blazer underneath my coat. The bone chilling February night nips at my face once my feet touch the tarmac. Streetlights cast glows all around me, as well as the headlights of several cars. The thumping within my chest grows louder and faster as my feet near the door, and then the stand where a manicured man waits.

“Hi. I made a reservation unda the name ‘Harry Styles’,” I tell him, immediately casting my eyes to the tables within view, searching for her dark chocolate locks. 

“Right this way,” he replies, waving a hand to follow him and I do. He leads me past several tables, empty and occupied, and almost gets me lost in the process.

The last thing I feel is lost when my eyes finally find her.

“Thank you. I-I got it from here,” I tell him hurriedly, holding a hand out that brings us both to a halt. He walks away after a short ‘you’re welcome,’ leaving me there, right where I want to be.

I don’t remember the smile reaching my ears or my heart quieting within my chest as I watch her flip through the menu thirty feet away from me. The prettiest red dress dons her long body, falling just underneath her collarbones and draped over the curve of her shoulders. Her hair falls in dark, natural waves, almost hiding the round opal sitting above the scoop of scarlet fabric. A tingling sensation blankets my body from head to toe, and the image of Becks sitting there waiting for me is burned into my mind.

It feels like I’m meeting her again for the first time, but I’m not. This feels like a new first time, and I know it’s one I won’t ever forget, much like the very first time I laid my eyes upon her. 

It felt like a Monday. For the bloody life of me, I couldn’t remember if it was one at the moment. Is it Monday? I’m not sure, but with the way things were going today, it sure felt like one. The copier had a jam, I forgot the first lunch I’ve made in years at home, and my girlfriend had been annoying the fuck out of me this morning. To top it all off, I had applicants being interviewed today to fill the position of my personal assistant, ever since the last one bolted. She didn’t last more than two weeks, a big surprise. 

Pete had been blowing up my phone for the last ten minutes, and I finally had had enough. Without an announcement or a knock, I stride into his office, fully intent on finding out what the hell he wants. 

“I’m a little busy, if you haven’t noticed,” he retorts over the head of dark chestnut locks sat in front of him. Presumably, one of the new applicants for my personal assistant. Hmm. 

“Well, ya kept ringin’ me bloody phone, Pete. So, what tha hell d’ya want?” I insist, throwing up a hand that falls to my thigh with a loud slap. 

Suddenly, I wish the quiet little thing would turn around, and give me a look at her. Shy, she is, it seems. There she sits, tucked away into her little shell, dressed to impress in a dark dress. 

“I’m in the middle of an interview!” he exclaims, certainly making a good first impression with the applicant. It makes me wonder for the tenth time why I bother having him do the interviews, but then I remember that I don’t really give a fuck, as long as I don’t have to do them. 

“What fer, huh?” I tease, instantly getting a snappy response from Pete about it being for me, as if I didn’t already know. But, I did, and am only doing this to bother him even more. 

“Ooo, ‘s it now? Ya get me a good one? Huh, Pete?” I grin, taking a step forward as a hand in my pocket plays with the tiny, metal guitar attached to my key ring. Sticking my head out as I move forward, my eyes dance across her head, and her profile that soon comes into view. “Hullo, love. Gonna be me new one, are ya? Petey here says I can’t keep one fer tha life o’ me, so here he ‘s interviewin’ me anotha one. How’s she doin’ so far, Petey? Think she’s a winna?” I joke aloud, knowing full well the effect my words have on the both of them. 

My subsequent introduction falls from my lips after a retort from Pete, and then the stranger finally turns to look me in the eyes. I rack my brain, trying to put a name to her face from a prior conversation with Pete. Or was it going over her resume when it came in the other day? I can’t remember which, and I blame it on her captivating baby blue eyes, as well as the intoxicating smile that greets my own. Words float from her lips and grace my ears for the very first time, and I knew immediately that she was something else. 

“Hi, my name is Becky. Becky Holte.”

Little did I know how drastically she would change my life, sometimes I thought for the worse, but ultimately for the better. The better, always. I had no way of knowing at that very moment, how many times she would come to save me.

My Becks.

+

The sound of homemade ravioli filled with chicken and three kinds of cheese is almost making my mouth water. It also makes me wonder when Harry will finally be here, and habitually, my eyes lift to look for him. To my surprise, I find him standing a ways away with the sweetest smile stuck to his lips. 

“Hiya, Becks. Sorry ‘m late. Ya look . . absolutely gorgeous, by tha way,” he comments once he’s within a few steps of the table. He reaches across to squeeze my arm before sitting down across from me, a blush pinching his cheeks. 

“Thank you, Harry. I uh, like the suit you went with, you look very handsome in it. Good choice,” I return, failing to not focus on the fast thrumming deep inside of me. 

“Ya, a certain sumbody said it was their favourite on me, so I couldn’t disappoint,” he grins with a shrug, unfastening the button at his waist, exposing the satiny black button-up hidden underneath. 

“Good, I’m glad you didn’t,” I smile, sure of the warmth he can see filling my cheeks, because I can see it mirrored in his own. “I like that you kept the stubble.”

“Why thank you,” he comments, once again rubbing it with his thumb and forefinger, and like before, making me all the more jealous. “I trimmed it up a li’l bit, figured I betta.” 

“Oh, I hope you keep it. I think I prefer you with it.”

“D’ya now, Becks?” he teases with a lift of his eyebrows, his tousled curls almost tickling his forehead, but just barely. “‘ll hafta rememba that,” he smiles, and more than ever, it’s incredibly contagious. My cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling by now, but I don’t even mind. 

“The um,” I begin nervously, my eyes falling to the elegant paper menu opened in front of me. It pains me to look away from him and the sunshine emanating from his smile, but it’s not so bad when I feel his chelsea boot knock against my heel, remaining there against the back of my ankle. “Chicken ravioli sounds good, as well as the margherita pizza, and Cacio e Pepe. Lots of good choices for dessert, too.”

“Mmm, they all sound good, love. Thanks fer lookin’ fer us,” he muses aloud, head bent down to peer at the menu when I glance over to him. 

His habit returns and his bottom lip is caught between his teeth, and somehow, it makes my smile grow bigger. I didn’t think that was possible, but here I am with aching cheeks. I nudge his foot with mine and he looks up with a question on his face, soon relaxing into a sparkling smile. That effervescent look in his eyes from the other day returns, and if I hadn’t known it already, I truly could look into his eyes for the rest of eternity. The dimples haven’t left his cheeks since he arrived, and his raspberry lips beg at me from across the table. 

“Let’s give it a try then,” he remarks, closing his menu without breaking our eye contact. The words dipped in honey flow from his lips and tickle something inside me, and I want more than anything to hear another meaning in them. His foot nudging at mine in return only makes me give in to it, and so does his wink. 

Our server arrives at our table shortly, and I thank God for the champagne she pours into tall flutes, not taking the edge off fast enough. A conversation blossoms between us about his case, and then mine with Myles. 

“Ya did great by tha way. Congrats on tha win, Becks, ‘m so fookin’ proud o’ you,” Harry grins adamantly, sweetness pouring off of his words that come out with a shake of his head. 

“Thank you so much, Harry. Wait, how’d you know we won it? I was just going to tell you,” I ask with furrowed brows, and receive a measly shrug of his shoulders in return. The look on his face, as if a revelation is threatening to burst from his lips, teases at me until it abates when the server brings us waters and we order. 

“So so bloody proud o’ you t’day, Becks,” he whispers as she pulls out her notepad and a pen. Possibilities blossom within my mind after he sends me a coy wink and knocks his foot against mine again. It doesn’t leave my own throughout the rest of our time there, during our meal and the laughs we share over glasses of champagne, and a plate of Tiramisu that I somehow let him share with me.

+

“I knew it! You were there today, sitting in the gallery, weren’t you?!” I exclaim, mumbling a short ‘thank you’ when he opens the car door for me. 

“Maybe,” Harry shrugs casually, walking around the front of the car as I fall onto the leather seat. 

“Harry Styles!” I nearly shout, if it weren’t for my voice dissolving into a giggle as he slides behind the steering wheel next to me. 

“What? I had some stuff t’ do at tha courts, so I may have popped in fer a mo’,” he explains. 

“Sure,” is all I say as I pull the seat belt across my chest. 

“Hush, and play some music, bug. Here,” he insists, handing me his grey iPhone that looks normal sized in his hand, and then gigantic in mine. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to watch?”

“Coz o’ that right there, Becks. Yer nervous ‘bout it right now afta tha fact, imagine how ya woulda been if ‘d told ya I was comin’ befo’ yer argument t’day,” he returns, pressing buttons on the dash and soon, waves of hot air greet my cold body. 

“I guess you’re right.”

“‘m what? I didn’t catch that,” Harry jests, cupping his ear. A scoff flies from my lips and I playfully swat his shoulder. “Hey, watch it. ‘m drivin’.”

“You haven’t even switched gears, so shut up,” I laugh, catching the eye roll he thinks I don’t see. “I see that eye roll, Styles, you better watch it.”

“You betta watch it, Becks. Betta pick a good Spice Girls song too, ‘m payin’ attention,” he jokes, soon his fingers diving into my side. A laugh escapes me unwillingly, and yanks my eyes over to his giggling lips. 

His name leaves mine in a near shriek, and after a blink, his tickling fingers are gone and lacing between mine. The dark flecks in his sage green eyes catch under the overhead light before it turns off automatically. He gives my hand a good squeeze as his eyes melt into mine, and a zing of electricity runs up my fingers and then my arm. The smile falling into his cheeks mirrors the one that’s been glued to my lips all night, and now grows higher and higher. I return the squeeze just as he looks to his mirrors, the click of the doors locking when he shifts to Reverse. 

It almost hurts to look away, but so many other feelings and thoughts are occupying me as my eyes fall to his phone. Disbelief washes over me as his long, ringed fingers sit between mine. It only grows when he lifts our intertwined hands up and over the middle console, to sit on his warm thigh.

An uninvited wave of pain hits me when I spot familiar sad songs amongst his music library, like the familiar ‘When She Loved Me’ that could make any Toy Story fan weep within seconds of hearing it. It intensifies when my eyes run over the songs Before You Go, Wish You Were Here, Say You Won’t Let Go, and With or Without You. Chancing a glance over at him, he stares straight ahead into the dark night, and a bittersweetness greets me. I try not to let it in, and the realization that perhaps those lost seven months were hell for him too, as were those five days apart. 

“Find it? I have Spice World on there sumwhere. I know I have loads o’ shit on there, sorry,” he comments, turning his head to check his left before pulling onto the busy road. 

“Y-Yeah,” I stutter, looking back to his expansive music library spanning from the 50’s to current music. His thumb drawing circles onto my knuckles brushes some of the sadness away as I bring up the album he speaks of. 

“Bloody hell, why ya choosin’ tha sad one, Becks?” he titters, glancing over to me when we come to a stop at a light. His smile shining back at me whisks away the last drops of the sadness, but hints of it remain with me, begging to be felt. I shrug my shoulders as the beginning lyrics of ‘Too Much’ fills the car, and I only turn it up louder. “I get t’ pick tha next song, if yer playin’ sad stuff. Bloody rubbish you are at pickin’ songs,” he sighs jokingly with a shake of his head, curls tickling his ears and the nape of his neck. 

“I am not!” 

“‘Kay, brat, keep talkin’,” he snickers, earning another scoff from me that he answers with a harder laugh. I cast my eyes to the window with an exaggerated whimper, soon hearing his profuse apologies. “‘m kiddin’, Becks, bloody hell. I already know ya have a good taste in music from all o’ our talks. I like this song too, jus’ thought ya’d go fer some happy songs, seein’ tha . . occasion and e’rythin’. Hey.” 

I answer him with my eyes returning to him, finding his wink before he looks back to traffic, and with my thumb coasting back and forth across his smooth skin. I listen to the lyrics, feeling another squeeze of my hand from him before I change the song. 

“Hey, don’t change it befo’ ‘s done!” he exclaims, and I just laugh, watching his shocked lips soon do the same. 

“Then stop complaining,” I argue, catching another roll of his eyes as the car slows to a stop in front of another light. Joy buds on my lips as the surprise unfolds on his features, meanwhile his eyes crinkle, the dimples fall deeper, and his raspberry lips thin out as a smile consumes his face. 

“I knew ya were sumthin’ special,” he notes aloud with a shake of his head, a giggle emanating from his joyous smile, right before he joins me to sing along to Shania Twain’s ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman.’ 

His fingers laced between mine continue to send my heart into overdrive as we belt out the song between contagious laughs, and then another crowd favourite, ‘You’re Still The One.’ This one gets me and sometimes throughout the song, I can’t get myself to look at him with the sincerity held in the lyrics. As well as the words that hit too close to home. 

Finally, I can’t stand it anymore, and my eyes drift over to his at the end of the song, finding that his are already on mine. “‘m so glad we made it. Look how far we’ve come, my baby,” Harry finishes with his eyes dancing upon me with that smile dripping with molasses. As if his hand squeezing mine periodically throughout the song wasn’t already making me want to cry, now I really could. I return the gesture before looking out the window, blinking back the arriving tears from my eyes as those lasting words sing inside of my head. 

Yeah, we finally made it, Harry. Belatedly, but finally.

+

“‘s been years since ‘ve been here, hasn’t changed much tho’,” Harry remarks softly, only a few steps away from my door. 

“Yeah, the inside looks bout the same too.”

“‘m sure. Maybe I could see fer meself one o’ these days,” he remarks aloud, and when my eyes drag over to his nervously, I answer him with a nod. 

“I’d like that.”

“Me too,” he coos, rubbing the pad of his thumb along the back of my hand. A shy smile nudges at the edge of my lips as he stands in front of me, my right hand still safe within his. “Well, I had a wondaful time t’night, thanks again.”

“You’re welcome, and thank you too. I had a lot of fun . . with you.”

“So did I, bug. ‘ll um, text you later then?” Harry says, clearing his throat awkwardly, his bottom lip soon returning to its nervous spot. 

“Y-yeah, sounds good,” I mumble quietly, eyes falling to my hand that he drops. The absence of his warmth against mine feels very strange now, having been holding hands for the entire drive and subsequent walk up to my apartment. 

“Night, Becks.”

“Goodnight, Harry, careful driving,” is the last thing I say before slipping behind my door, finding Skye perched on the sofa. The monotonous, forced words echo in my ears and my eyes fall to the floor, disappointment flooding every inch of me. 

“So, how’d it go?! Did you finally fucking kiss him?!” she shouts the second the door meets its frame. 

“No,” I admit between shy lips, the steps I take seeming as if they’re from somebody else’s body, not mine. The entire last five minutes feels like somebody else had lived them, not me. No, it can’t end like that. “Not yet, anyways,” I rush, ignoring my shoes I already toed off, spinning around and ripping open the door. “Harry, wait!” I exclaim, finding his surprised expression waiting in front of the lift. 

“What?” he asks, eyebrows bent into a questioning mess. 

“I-I forgot something,” I manage, the words spilling out in a heap while he closes the distance between us, stopping right in front of me. Right where I need him. 

“Forgot what, bug? Did ya forget yer shoes in me car?” he titters, the fluorescent glow overhead picking out the few blonde hairs in his stubble. 

“No . . something else,” I finally admit, taking a step when there aren’t any left. 

The dimples remain set into his cheeks while his eyes fall to my lips and mine raise to his. His facial hair is prickly and dense under the pad of my thumb, and his coveted bottom lip is warm and pillowy. The golden hue of his olive green irises fills my mind when my lips finally meet his, and at last, I find his bottom lip between my own. His sweet giggle sounds against my lips as my fingers get lost in his buttery curls. I come to echo it when his hands shock me with their coldness against my hips, pulling me closer to him. One strays to the back of my head as his lips move against mine, the word ‘finally’ repeating incessantly within my mind. His barely there beard is scratchy against my skin, contrasting to the smooth tip of his nose grazing my cheek. The cinnamon and cocoa powder from the Tiramisu cake tickles my taste buds while his spicy vanilla smell covers me like a blanket. Zings shoot across my palm pressed to his smiling cheek, his facial hair prickly against the sensitive skin. 

Not feeling like what was actually mere seconds later, air fills my lungs when we pull away at the same time, sharp inhales filling the air. Quickly, his sweet giggle joins it, and ropes one of my own in. The tip of his nose leaves trails on my cheek as his forehead falls onto mine. 

“Ya have no idea how long ‘ve waited fer that,” Harry rasps, his warm breath dancing across my lips. His own press a whisper of a kiss to mine briefly, although after that, now I’m sure it could never be long enough. 

“I think I do know,” I mumble, my hand straying to his chin where I brush the tip of my thumb against the flesh of his bottom lip. 

“‘m sorry it took us so long, bug.”

“It’s okay, we’re here now. Finally,” I tell him and he nods, the twinkle in his eye bright as can be. For the first time, I let myself melt and lose myself in the greens of his eyes. Something I have wanted to do ever since the very first time I looked into his green eyes and knew I was fucked. 

“Yes, we are. And look at you, Becks. Ya beat me t' tha first date and tha first kiss,” he smirks with a decadent laugh adorning his words. I can’t help but join him while I twirl a ringlet of his hair around the tip of my finger against the back of his neck. 

“Oh, it’s okay, Harry. You got the first hand hold, and the first Shania Twain car duet.”

A roll of his miraculous eyes accompanies his continuing laugh, “Ya, well, so did you, but I got tha more romantic one,” he insists, words welcomed by my surprised scoff. 

“Wait, you don’t find ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’ romantic?!” I nearly exclaim in faux disbelief, my voice softening into a giggle quickly. 

“Only when you sing it, bug,” Harry smiles, thumbing circles into the small of my back. 

“Wait, you got tha first handhold, brat. Rememba, when I visited you at yer old work that day? Bloody hell, you beat me t’ all tha good ones, Becks. No fair,” he snickers with a sigh to his words, the two contrasting the other. I suffice my response with an obligatory nod, feeling my heart just now starting to settle into a regular beat. “Becks, there’s so many things ‘ve wanted t’ say t’ you, and now, I finally can.”

“I think I know how you feel.” 

“First thing ‘ll say ‘s I get tha second date and tha second kiss,” Harry contends with a smirk held in his eyes. 

“Oh, really?” I giggle and he soon nods. He quiets the laugh beginning on my lips with his own giddy ones, my lips molding against his effortlessly. Thoughts blossom quickly within my mind, including why I waited so fucking long to kiss him. If I’d known all of these years how wonderful it feels to kiss him, I never would have waited this long. Our kisses are slow although hurried, our lips searching for the other’s desperately, and somehow perfectly. Years overdue, and it couldn’t feel any more perfect. 

“Fookin’ hell, I jus’ wanna keep kissin’ you, Becks. Dunno if I can stop,” he chuckles, brushing his nose against mine softly. Shockingly, his eyes are even more gorgeous from this view, and I didn’t think that was possible. Evidently, anything is. 

“You don’t have to,” I laugh and he shrugs his shoulders while his eyebrows mimic the expression, his giggle soon vibrating against my tingling lips. 

“We have loads o’ lost time t’ make up fer,” he notes aloud. 

“Yes, we do. A couple years, give or take.”

“Mmmhmm, yer right there, li’l one. Fook, there were so many times I wanted t’ kiss ya ova the years,” he sighs with a sad shake of his head. His dimple is soft under my fingertip, hidden under the warm brunette facial hair. 

“Then kiss me.”

Too soon, his lips leave mine after a short peck, but I press at the back of his curls and envelope his laugh with my lips. My name falls from him in a delighted whisper before one more kiss. Our laughs grow louder only to be muffled, although weakly, when a figure walks by into their nearby apartment. My face runs to the crook of his neck, my very favorite song dancing along my ears as he holds me against him. 

“Nothing to see here, sir,” I joke, and the warmth filling my insides grows at the sound of his happiness. 

“No, I rememba I got tha first handhold that night we went out fer drinks tha first time. Tha night with tha Purple Hazes and all those shots,” Harry insists from above me, and I give him the funniest look when I come out of hiding. 

“You’re still going on about that?” I ask in near disbelief, watching his curls move when he nods his head, dipping to meet my lips with his for a slow kiss. 

“I don’t want this night to end,” I hum against the strawberry color of his decadent mouth. 

“Neither do I, Becks. ‘ve been waitin’ fer it fer so long,” he agrees, the wispiness of his eyelashes ghostlike against my forehead. 

“It’s getting late, and Skye is probably dying to hear how tonight went.”

“Ya betta go and tell tha poor girl then,” he responds, pulling my eyes towards his that sit just a moment away, sending all of the sunshine in my direction. 

“That’s okay?”

“‘Course. I may or may not ring Myles on tha way home t’ tell him all ‘bout it,” he shrugs with a telling lilt to his sing-song voice. The only sound that leaves my lips is an amused laugh that he echoes, and I know that he feels the same way.

At last, I know after over two years that he feels the same way, through and through. 

“We’ll figure out sumthin’ fer this weekend t’getha, sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds great, Harry,” I agree slowly and he nods ever so slightly, leaving kisses starting from my temple and down my cheek. 

“G’night, bug.”

“Night, Harry. Drive careful,” I tell him and once again, he answers me with a nod. 

“I promise, babe.”

“Goodnight,” I almost whisper, the very last breath of the word stolen away by his lips. I wouldn’t want it any other way, I barely am able to think as his lips massage mine between his. His neck is fiery beneath my palms and I’m sure mine is likened to it underneath his fingertips, surges of electricity passing below my skin. The skin is balmy against my blushing cheek when my arms come around his middle, surprising us both with a long hug, before I pull away first. 

“Night, my Becks,” he murmurs against my lips, a shiver running down my spine when he leaves with a final squeeze to my hand. If that didn’t do it, the song flowing from his humming lips sparks memories behind my eyes, but I still can’t figure out where it’s from. But, I know that I have plenty of time to figure it out, and to get all of the kisses that I want from him. 

Fucking finally.

[lesbianmarth]

it’s been a while since i posted about aa but i just finished soj in its entirety tonight. here’s my new list so far

i still have to give thoughts on cases 4 5 and dlc so that’ll be under a cut. spoilers!

6-4: this was such a filler case, almost shamefully so. i don’t know why they thought they could manage to do this in the 4th case when every game with 5 cases has been pretty consistent about making the 4th case plot relevant, sometimes literally just a preamble to case 5. so yeah i think this one was kinda ass

the two things it had going for it: one, athena. in 6-2 i actually got confused about why i ever liked her, because in that case she felt like she was just acting the part of the Peppy Teen Girl With a Rowdy Streak that makes up almost every assistant character. But then as SOON as she started bantering with Simon in 6-4 i was like “oh, THAT’S why i liked her!” was nice to take control of her again.

two, uendo toneido. while i don’t think you can say the DID was portrayed with quite the necessary respect or kindness, it was handled better than i’ve seen other media handle it-- at least it’s not completely demonized. other people have written more on that in better detail so i’m not really the judge, but the basic point is that this witness was mad fun to read, and even the dumb jokes like the changing number of floor cushions were entertaining. thus why this case is in the “hard carried by one side character” tier.

especially since there was like nothing else going on. no connection to the main plot, only two other characters besides uendo, and for some reason the clown tits girl was here instead of the magic show case (and to be honest, she wasn’t enjoyable for me even BEFORE she did the standard aa female villain thing and changed her speech pattern as soon as she fell under suspicion). just a weird, nothing case stuck right around the point aa games usually enter endgame. And especially weird because...

6-5 part 1: inexplicably there are two separate cases in the final chapter and each gets one day of investigation and trial. such a weird setup, and it really shouldn’t work... but i think it kinda barely does. barely. it would still have been better to split it into case 4 and case 5 though.

i have a hard time articulating much on the first case bc it sort of blends together for me. the main thing is that the concept of it being a civil case where apollo and phoenix face off is really good. it was a good change of pace, even though you knew it was gonna be a murder somehow anyway. sarge was reasonably nice, i guess, paul atishon had some good animations and quirks (my favorite being when he tries to just walk away from the stand to avoid answering a question), and the logic of the actual murder was good enough.

but i especially got those strong “oh this is a FINAL case!” vibes during the segment in the cave, and that added so much to it even if not much of it was relevant in the first half of the case. the adventure feel reminded me of some of the (out of context bc i still havent played it) scenes i know from 3-5, which is a good association to invoke imo. and it did a lot to give apollo and dhurke time to bond.

speaking of which, dhurke, holy shit. what a KING. i don’t think i’ve ever liked a dad character in ace attorney this much. he’s so genuine and like down to earth that it’s impossible not to start liking him and believe how much he cares for his sons. the bit where he rescued apollo from the cave flood... i felt it in my heart

6-5 part 2: let me just get this out of the way: ga’ran sucks. her design after she goes full evil is so bad, she’s so malicious that it’s immediately obvious she’s going to be the culprit, her breakdown is ridiculous and just embarrassing to watch, and inga had already established way more charisma as a villain when he did the “those were orders of execution actually” bit in 6-3. with that said,

i actually liked it for the most part. the spirit channeling stuff was excellent imo-- they probably use it to similar or greater effect in 3-5 but as someone who again has not played that, i was surprised and almost impressed by how well it was applied. maya was relevant for something! it feels like it’s been ages!

rayfa was a little underutilized, i think-- her moment of determination where she stops letting ga’ran have control over her was alright but it fell flat bc it didn’t have any weight during the moment. i kept hoping she would like, wordlessly take of her shawl and do the little verbal preamble to the divination seance while ga’ran kept yelling at her to stop, but no, the script can’t be good like that, i guess. and since she didn’t get to be the investigation assistant for long, none of her charm in that role carried through.

but DHURKE!! oh my god! in a game almost devoid of emotional impact, his involvement in this case really hit. the way they painstakingly animated his death, the scene where he makes a promise with maya, and then the weight of knowing in hindsight that everything he did in the first part of the case was after he’d already died and just wanted to see his son again before passing on for real....... it hurt. i felt something during that section. this case would also be hard carried by him if not for the fact that i really liked the murder bits.

amara was good too--liked how they made her suspiciously serene and accentuated it with the lightning strikes to make her look like a hidden murderer character about to reveal herself, only to walk it back and confirm she was being forced to act that way. i thought it worked. nahyuta was boring though, i’m sorry-- i get the motivation with having to be a bastard bc his sister and mom were basically held hostage, but the only time i found him compelling in that mess was the bit where he removed his one fingerless glove and revealed he still has the dragon tattoo. that was it. athena was also completely unused the whole case (not even a single mood matrix? really?) and trucy one again went without any role of importance.

the ending also... yknow, a friend said they had to end it this way bc they never figured out what they were going to do with apollo (since following up on what they started in aa4 clearly wasn’t an option???) and just threw him on a bus to get rid of him. i agree with that-- he really feels thrown to the side, and with that i think trucy’s officially stranded with no hope of any character advancement. and the way they ended the game with phoenix and lamiroir deciding “yeah, maybe NOW we should finally tell those two they’re related” honestly felt insulting lol

but maybe the dlc case will let things go out on a high note...?!

6-6: it was okay.

it would’ve worked pretty well as a filler case in an older aa-- honestly i think it’d be one of the better filler cases, certainly worth replacing the shitty ones like 2-3 or 3-3 or, hey, 6-4. but whether i’d say it was worth paying for... eh.

the time travel conceit was done well enough, i think. the way they tied it back to sorin and pierce’s backstories was nice, and the twist about having two receptions was good, although they needed to treat that as a real twist with much more gravity. when the truth comes out it just feels like “oh of course that’s what happened” rather than a big surprise worthy of the Confessing the Truth theme. it’s sort of important because the case becomes a lot less interesting when you take out the time travel element.

far as characters are concerned, i think they needed more side characters to sell the whole thing-- another sprocket family member or another servant of the household. it felt a little limited-- sorin and pierce are pretty good witnesses and i like their quirks and their secrets, but the only alive woman (ellen) has very few traits and no connection to the deeper story of the case, so she falls really flat. the old aa characters didn’t add much- maya and edgeworth were just there for fanservice, ema didn’t get to do much other than acknowledge for the first time in years that she’s a big edgeworth fan, and larry is annoying as hell like he always is.

and oh my god i actually forgot while i was writing that, how they put in athena and trucy but only used them for brief slapstick where trucy would try to set athena on fire and shit. again-- no mood matrix? couldn’t even try once to fit those two characters into something?

i did like pierce’s transformation into his surgeon form though-- that was really cool. loved him doing surgery on a robot, taking xrays of the lawyers, and his breakdown was fantastic-- he would make a really good culprit if they didn’t whiff the last bit of pathos at the end. i don’t think he should’ve been aiming for revenge on sorin; it would have hurt much more if he was still loyal to the guy and never intended for him to be in danger, but the final “why’d you do it?” talk in the trial just felt flat and one-note, much like the one in 6-4.

... so that’s spirit of justice! not a super positive experience but i’m happy to say it’s done. as much as i want to go and replay dgs, i think when i do go back to ace attorney i’ll be replaying the trilogy for the first time since high school