#but now we're just like 'looking forward to when we get back from our winter finale'

[insistonyourcupofstars]

Not gonna lie you mentioning me on that post felt like we're irl friends spelling tea and I LOVE IT. I just wanna hug you so bad 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Mais, love, we ARE irl friends, lol. Also, I always appreciate hugs 💛

I just saw that post and was like "HOLY SHIT! HOW DID YOU KNOW?" It was scary accurate lol.

[buckets-and-trees]

Big Conversation

Title: Big Conversation Characters/Pairings: Bucky x Millennial Female!Reader Word Count: 1100 Summary: Sequel to Desperate, Uncertain and Sure, and Insatiable... Life keeps moving forward, and so does the relationship that has completely turned around between you and Bucky, including how that will look now in your shared workplace.

Content/Warnings: fluff, new relationship feels

Author Notes: Week five piece for @buckybarnesevents Hot Bucky Summer - the prompt was "We're..." with friends with benefits, exes, and enemies to lovers as options - and ticking off teasing for me to catch up on January for Build-a-Bucky Bingo.

You were so immersed in studying the map and interpreting the data points on your screen with Conor that you didn’t notice the hush that washed over what was a typical hubbub of noise outside your office, or else you might have guessed someone with A Name in the agency had hit the floor.

Instead, it was the decisive knock on your doorframe that brought you out of deep concentration.

When your eyes clocked the Winter Soldier there, a warm smile split across your face. “Sergeant Barnes! Is it already eleven-thirty?” you asked, glancing down at your watch.

“Nearly,” he replied, smiling back, but you noticed it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Eyes that were scrutinizing the man standing just over your shoulder.

“Bucky, this is Conor Sullivan.”

“I’m the director of the digital media analysis team,” Conor said, his Irish accent more pronounced than usual, and instead of straightening, he maintained the stance he’d adopted to look over your shoulder at the screens.

“I’m an Avenger,” Bucky offered.

You bit your lip to keep from giggling.

The posturing energy in the room was painfully palpable.

“We’ve been looking over the latest social media trends, crossing referencing that with reports we’re getting from some of our agents, and the leads Joaquin has been pursuing in Eastern Europe. The activity of the Flag Smashers is absolutely heating up again, and there’s some definite indicators that some potential leaders of the group may be circling in Tirana.”

“I look forward to the briefing – it’s always gratifying when a hunch my team has turns out to have traction,” Bucky’s words were slightly stilted. “Maybe we put something on the books for after lunch. Do you think your findings will be ready by then, Sullivan?”

“More than enough time, Barnes,” Conor responded.

“Even without this analysis mastermind?” Bucky asked, gesturing to you. “We have a date with HR at eleven-thirty.”

“A date?” Conor asked.

“Sorry,” Bucky quickly corrected, “I meant to say meeting.”

You tried to discreetly put your hand to your stomach to hold in the laughter. This was too much.

“We have a meeting with HR to officially disclose our relationship status,” Bucky further explained.

“Oh, I didn’t know,” Conor started, abruptly straightening.

“Of course not, you’re working with one of the most consummate professionals around, she’s never been messy in the workplace.”

“Not true,” you interjected, your cheeks heating slightly. “I used to be fairly passive aggressive and petty towards you.”

“But you did it in a way that you somehow always maddeningly remained above actual reproach,” Bucky said. “We’re one of those classic enemies to lovers romances for the ages. What do they call it now? End game? Like Taylor and Travis.”

You tilted your head, but you did not risk looking at Conor.

“Taylor and Travis?”

“Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce,” Bucky explained. “There was no animosity for them to overcome, but the true love, end game thing.”

“I… should let you get to your meeting, then,” Conor said, some reticence in his tone.

Bucky came further into your office and Conor passed him on the way out.

Bucky squared his shoulders and didn’t relax his intimidating gaze for one second, but Conor was formidable in his own right – only an inch shorter and with maybe twenty pounds less of muscle, the charming, blond, Irish man didn’t pass for someone who you’d expect to work the office side of things in this building.

“You used to date that guy?” Bucky asked two beats after he’d gone, a boyish, smirking grin on his face as he turned back to you.

“Two dates,” you reminded him, “only two dates, and it was more than a year ago.”

“What kind of name is Conor Brady? Could he be more Irish?”

You laughed. “Your names is James.”

“But I go by Bucky,” he countered, reaching out a hand.

You stood and stepped right up to him, twining your fingers with his. “End game?” you changed the line of post-encounter questioning.

Bucky tugged you close with the one hand, and his vibranium hand came up to cup your cheek. “We haven’t said it with those words, but that enemies wave we rode out? The ordeal just outside of Paris? The past six weeks with you since then? Unless you’re not convinced, I’m all in for the long haul.”

You pressed up on your tiptoes and kissed him in a blazing, euphoric heat. He returned the kiss, circling his arm around your waist while still keeping your fingers twined, and pressed your soft body against his chest.

You could kiss this man for an eternity, but you did finally press him away. “End game for me, too.”

“Yeah?”

The smitten smile on his face made you want to close your door and get to much more than kissing. The feelings that shone through his eyes made your heart swell.

“Yeah,” you affirmed and delivered a quick peck.

Everything with him had always been intense, strong, deep feelings. Now that they were rooted in care and affection, it only made you more sure every day since you’d finally broken down the walls and defenses that had been there before.

“That possessive streak looked good on you,” you teased, but he grinned.

“You like knowing you’re my girl?”

“That’s why we’re declaring our intentions to HR,” you said. “Now let’s go make it official, and then maybe I’ll show you in the back of your car just how much I like it.”

“Damn,” Bucky groaned, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead briefly to yours. “I’m holding you to that.”

You kissed him again, just one more time.

Then you giggled.

“What?” Bucky asked, echoing with a half laugh.

“You really said enemies to lovers?”

“You loved it.”

“And Taylor and Travis?”

“You know I was there next to you when you were scrolling through video after video of London night three last weekend and then Dublin this weekend. I’m invested in them now, too. I can appreciate a man who unapologetically loves his woman.”

“Bucky,” you breathed, heart aching and swelling for this man. He smiled and pulled you out of your office, and you followed happily. He was everything, gave you all the shades you’d hoped to find, someone who was proving to be a true other half, and you couldn’t wait for the days and weeks and months and years ahead and all the ways he’d make you laugh, make you melt, and sometimes both at the same time.

We've come a long way from their start in Desperate, but I just... want them to be in love and happy and get to have fun moments now. I can't help it! 🫠

↠ NEXT PART: Too Hot

↠ Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

[irisintheafterglow]

i'm having many thoughts about bf!satoru playing pretend with little megumi so bear with me.

"oh no, we've been hit by a sudden lightning storm! get down, buddy!"

"no, we haven't! your yelling is going to scare the tigers away."

"tigers? i thought we were in africa."

"we were in africa yesterday, but we took a ship to india and now we're looking at tigers."

"oh, you're right. sorry, i'm not good at keeping track of our travel itinerary."

"it's okay; that's why i write it all down in your passport."

the vague sounds of your boyfriend and your unofficial son ring out in the apartment. you shake out your umbrella and hang your coat by the door, the sounds of incessant rain pattering against your windows. your boys are nowhere to be found.

"megs? 'toru?"

"in here!" you follow your boyfriend's voice to the room that you've designated as megumi's room, a place for him to call his own whenever he wasn't staying with family. it was sparsely decorated because you'd only moved into the new space a few days ago, but it was already cozier than the stale dorms at jujutsu tech. "we've decided to adventure into the jungle," satoru says from within the tent pitched in the middle of the room.

"mhmm," you hum in amusement and slight confusion, "and where did you get the tent?"

"stole it," megumi pipes up, his face sticking out of the zippered door flap. he unzips the entrance all the way and you give your boyfriend an incredulous look. "satoru said it was okay."

"you stole it?" megumi snickers at your tone that makes satoru raise his hands defensively.

"you think yaga's gonna be camping in this weather, sweetheart?"

"you're teaching him that stealing is okay," you argue with a hand on your hip.

"if it's from yaga-"

"satoru," you chuckle, dragging a hand down your face. he really was an idiot when he tried to be. you can't say that megumi's smile wasn't making you happy, though. "look, just make sure he gets it back without him actually knowing it was gone."

"deal, now get in here," satoru says before grabbing your hand and tugging you into the tent. it's so small that his shoulders pull forward because he can't sit up straight and his hair brushes the top of the tent. it becomes even more cramped when you crash into the various pillows and blankets they'd pulled from the closet. "look at what we did." his finger points up at the string of lights they'd successfully strewn across the top perimeter of the tent, making your faces glow in soft hues of yellow and orange. "what time is it out there?"

"what, in the jungle?"

"in the real world," satoru corrects. "this explorer is getting a little hungry."

"it's almost 5:00, so we can grab something for dinner soon. but, first, i wanna see these tigers you're looking at." you run your hand through satoru's hair and he leans into your touch. megumi enthusiastically shows you his binoculars toy that changed pictures of different animals with the flick of a bright blue switch. as he plays, you lean back into satoru's chest and his arms wrap around your body. "what were you thinking for dinner, love?"

"i was thinking soup, but i'm good with whatever you're craving," he murmurs in your ear. "i'm just glad you're home."

"me too. maybe we can go furniture shopping tomorrow if the weather lets up," you suggest. his body is warm like a space heater and it's a nice contrast to the chilly winter storm raging on outside.

"i'm also just as happy to sleep in this tiny little tent with you and the kid."

"i love you, satoru."

"i love you more. also, we should get him more pictures for that little toy."

"or, i just portal us to see some actual tigers." you feel him laugh softly against your body. "i could portal us to africa, too. just depends on your itinerary."

"you're very funny," he deadpans lightheartedly.

"i know i am. it's why you love me so much."

"very true. i'll go anywhere as long as i'm with you."

if you enjoy my writing and would like to support me, you can buy me a coffee on my ko-fi! you can also check out my full masterlist here :)

[mama2bears]

No Christmas Vacation - Part 1

Pairings: Tyler Owens/Reader

Summary: You and Tyler are dating. He takes you for a romantic get away for Christmas, but will the weather interfere with your plans?

Warnings: None yet.

“Good morning, beautiful.” Tyler kisses your neck softly.

“Do we have to get up now?” you muttered rolling over to face him.

“Yeah, remember, today is the day that I am taking you on our Christmas vacation.”

With that, you smiled, sitting up in bed. Tyler had told you a few weeks ago that he wanted to take you away for Christmas. Ever since then, you had tried to get him to tell you where, but he wouldn't budge. He only told you to pack for cold. It didn't matter where you went, you were looking forward to the trip. You were looking forward to getting away for a few days.

“I made you breakfast in bed before we get started.” he said, reaching over to the nightstand and handing you a tray with pancakes, sausage, and coffee.

“That smells amazing, Ty.” You award him with a tender kiss. You met Tyler three years ago when you moved to Arkansas to follow a career in meteorology and storm chasing. Your first thought was that Tyler Owens was a cocky, reckless redneck who only wanted to be a YouTube star. It didn't take you long though to see the tender side of this cowboy tornado wrangler. He was the guy running into debris to find dogs, playing ball with a child in mist of total destruction. Tyler was both tough and tender.

“So, are you going to tell me where we are going yet?”

“Nope.” he grinned.

“How will I know if we have everything packed we need? What if it's warm? Is it going to snow? We aren't going to be chasing tornadoes, are we?” you groaned. It was two days before Christmas and while it wasn't exactly common to have tornadoes in the winter, it certainly wasn't impossible. You loved storm chasing as much as Tyler did, but not on Christmas.

“Well, we didn't pack for every season, but I think cold weather clothes will be all we need. I don't plan on any tornadoes either.”

“Well, at least you can tell me if we are driving or flying.” you said between bites of your pancake.

“Flying.” Tyler answered “...in a plane.” he added.

“No? Really? And here I thought you were superman.” you grinned.

“Maybe I am.” he winked at you.

After breakfast was over, Tyler took your tray, “I'll get our suitcases in the truck and load the dishwasher.” he offered, giving you time to take a shower and get dressed.

* * * * *

“You know, I am going to kinda miss our Christmas tree and decorations.” you say, making one more check on the door to make sure it locked and alarm set before walking to the truck. Tyler opens the door for you, “Does the hotel have a Christmas tree?” you ask getting in.

“Something like that.” he grinned.

It only took you about half an hour to get to the airport, but with the holiday crowd all traveling it took hours to get though security. Finally you make it though the airport check point and are loading the plane. Tyler still hasn't told you where you were going, but you knew you would find out soon enough.

“Welcome aboard.” a flight attendant was saying. You listened to the normal safety measures to take and then finally, “We'll be arriving in Oneida Wisconsin in about two hours. We expect fair weather.”

“Oneida Wisconsin?” you question. “What's there?”

“Well...” Tyler said sitting back in his seat, “Oneida is just the closest airport to fly into. I'll have a rental car waiting for us and then we're driving up to White Lake. We have a little secluded cabin on the lake for the next week.”

“Ty..that sounds amazing!” you squeeze his hand a little tighter as the plane takes off.

“Still nervous about flying?” he asked.

“30,000 feet is a long way to fall if something goes wrong.” you mutter.

A few hours later the plane landed safely and Tyler had collected the suitcases from the luggage claim area and was now loading it in the rental car, which wasn't a car, but a Dodge Ram truck. He always had to have a Dodge, even on vacation.

You were flipping though the radio station when you stopped on a weather report, “and we are expecting a White Christmas this year. White Lake is expected to get up to five inches of snow.”

“Did you know about this?” you asked.

Right now the day was sunny and warm...well, at least 75 and humid was warm for Wisconsin in middle of December.

“Not until yesterday, I didn't. They just started calling for snow.” he smiled, “But the cabin is going to be stock with everything we need. It even has a hot tub and fireplace.”Do you wanna build a snow man? Come on let's go and play...” Tyler started singing, making you laugh.

“This is going to be the perfect weekend.” you smile, staring out the window as the houses gave way to tall forest.

“Yes...yes it is.” Tyler smile, patting the small box that was in his jacket pocket.

“We're here.” he said turning down a small dirt road which ran for a few miles though the woods. Finally, a small wooden cabin perched on a lake came into view. A dock went out from the front yard and a small boat was tied to the dock.

As Tyler parked, you could see the cabin's porch had garland and Christmas lights wrapped around it, there was also Christmas lights running down the dock and a wreath was hung on the door and every window.

Tyler carried the bags to the cabin and entered the code that was given to him for the lock, opening the door.

“It's beautiful Ty,” you pull him into a hug. It was a one story one bedroom cabin. The living room had a brown leather sofa facing a fire place with a big screen TV hung above it. In the corner was a tall tree all decorated, completed with a star on top. The fresh smell of pine filled the room.

“Merry Christmas Darling,” Tyler kissed you softly, then picked up the bags, heading towards the bedroom, then stops in the door way, “Hey, Darling...come here.” he smiles, dropping the bags on the floor and pulls you into a long, slow, deep kiss.

“What did I do to deserve that?” you asked, eyes dancing with excitement.

He kisses you again and points up, to the mistletoe hang above the doorway. “Rules are rules...gotta kiss every time we pass though the door.”

“So, cowboy, what do you have planned for us first?” you grin.

“Well..since today is so warm, I thought maybe we could take the boat out?” he offered and paused, looking towards the bed, “unless you had something else in mind.”

“Oh..tempting, very tempting.” you kissed him, and lead him back towards the living room, “However, I think I'll choose take the boat out, but when we come back.” she winked, “Well, let's just see what happens.”

Tyler went into the kitchen to find that the cabin owner had stalked it well, as agreed, including a chilled bottle of wine. He fixed some sandwiches and grabbed the wine and a couple of glasses, checking his pocket again to make sure the little box was still there. He put the food and wine in a wicker basket, grabbed a blanket off of the sofa, “Ready” he asked, almost unable to contain his excitement.

You laugh at him, following him out the door, “What is so exciting about a boat ride?” you ask. The way he was acting you would have thought that he was chasing a F5 tornado.

“Come on, you'll see!” he was practically skipping down the dock and you couldn't help but laugh. One thing about Tyler Owens was that he had a way of making your heart soar. When you were with him, you were carefree. He had a way of showing you joy in every moment.

[simply-wlw-kpopstan]

29. The parents

Ryujin is right you should just ask her about it. it's been long enough to have this conversation right? Maybe you should just leave it and let jimin set the pace. she probably told them you're a friend anyways. You took a deep breath before walking out of the bedroom and joined the others in the kitchen.

"there you are! My parents are almost here and we still need to-" jimin was walking around like a mad man and winter was laughing at the scene while she sat on the counter eating something ning was preparing.

"jimin calm down before you freak the poor girl out." aeri said.

"right, sorry. Can you bring this outside?" jimin passed you a plate with some snacks, " Just place it on the table in front of the couch."

"I will if you remember to breath." you smiled making her let out a chuckle. "why are you so riled up? Are your parents that bad?"

"No, not at all. It's just been a long time since I introduced someone new and... It's nothing, forget about it." she shook her head and waved you off.

The five of you sat down once everything was set up, just staring out at the ocean in silence and jimin layed her head on your shoulder, "they'll love you. I don't know if that was what's bothering you this morning but they'll like you. I know they will."

You wanted to respond to her words but got cut off by a unknown female voice, "where are my girls?!"

"we're outside mrs. Yu !" aeri yelled and jumped up from her seat to go and greet jimin's parents.

"it'll be okay. I promise." jimin spoke softly before standing up and pulling you with her. The second you approached the door she let's go of your hand and creates some distance between the two of you.

"there's my baby!" her mother smiled with her arms wide open, " come here and let me look at you."

Winter, ning and aeri are holding back their laughter as jimin gets pulled in her mother's embrace. Your eyes drift to the man standing behind them and that's when you noticed him staring at you. Shit. What if her father hates you? If looks could kill, you'd probably be 6 feet under by now.

"you must be the new friend jimin told us about." his voice filled the room and everyone looks at you. Jimin pulls back from her mom and walks over to you.

"I'm y/n. It's very nice to meet you both." you try to hide the fact that you're feeling super anxious but judging by the looks of the girls you know you failed.

"forgive me for asking but how long have you known eachother? It's not like jimin to invite new people over." her mother spoke up.

Are they testing you? Or are they trying to tell you they don't want you here?

"actually we're project partners for one of our shared subjects." winter quickly intervened, " y/n's a music major like me. we've known eachother for a year but since the project we've gotten closer to eachother."

"I see." her mom said as she stared at you, "well let's go outside and get to know one another, I'm looking forward to your stories of this semester."

After an hour of talking, eating the snacks and secret glances with jimin, you decided to clear the table of the empty plates. "can I get anyone anything?" you offered but everybody shook their head and thanked you.

As soon as you're out of sight you took a deep breath and relaxed. Jimin's parents were nice people and you shouldn't be this anxious but the fact that you're keeping a secret from them is eating at you. Would they still like you if they found out you've been seeing their daughter? What if they found out Parker hit her because she was sleeping with you? That would definitely make them like you less-

”Hey,” jimin’s voice startled you as you rinsed off a plate, luckily it didn't break when it hit the sink, "sorry. Are you okay? You seem... I don't know, you're not your usual self. "

"I’m okay," you gave her a tiny smile, "I think I'm just tired. The effect of worrying about meeting your parents are probably kicking in and stuff" it slipped out before you noticed.

"so you were worried about that." she muttered to herself, "I guess we've both been stressed today." She looked behind her before walking closer and hugging you from behind.

"is this a good idea? Your parents can walk in any second." you looked at her as she layed her head on your shoulder.

"there's nothing wrong with hugging a friend," she turns you around and pins you against the counter, "it's a whole different thing if they'd walk in on us kissing." her gaze falls to your lips for a few seconds.

"jimin don't." you carefully pushed her away, "what will happen if they were to walk in? What would you tell them?" you crossed your arms and leaned back against the counter.

"they didn't. Why are you acting like this?"

"nevermind, you should go back. I'm going to lay down for a little while" you try to walk past her but she quickly grabs your hand.

"You're just going to avoid this?"

"they're your parents jimin, they're here for you and the girls."you pull your hand out of her grip and leave her in the kitchen.

masterlist | next

[justmeinadaze]

We're a Family Part 22 (Steddie X You)

A/N: Get ready to feel old <3. I wrote Good Neighbors a little over a year ago and I've loved how they've evolved. I'm not done with this little family yet. I still have one more chapter with Dylan and then some ideas with an older Ro but, ugh, lol I feel how the reader feels when it comes to her first born.

Warnings: Dads Steddie/ Mama Fem Reader, SMUT, edging (they are still trying new things), handcuffs, etc, FLUFF, they love each other <3 and their kiddos, ANGST, someone from the past comes back to talk to the adult Munson-Harringtons and Dylan, Steve and Eddie struggle being protective over their eldest (Eddie just hides it better), lots of talk about Dylan growing up and leaving the nest and how these three feel about it.

Word Count: 5256

An 18-year-old Dylan bounces anxiously on his toes as you sort through the mail too slow for his liking. 

“MOM! Come on! Did anything come for me or not?”

Two years had passed since you reconnected with your mother and things had been going very well. She was always extremely busy with work but when she came over Aurora insisted on showing her all the movies she missed out on. 

“Grandma! Watch how cool this is!”, the seven-year-old squeals with delight as they focus on the film in front of them. The light saber flies past Kylo-Ren into Rey’s hand and Ro breathes a sigh of excitement.

“Ok, now explain to me again how ‘the force’ works.”, yoru mom asks as she leans forward over her crossed legs on the couch. 

You grin from your spot in the kitchen as you bump Eddie’s hip with yours. 

“Definitely your daughter, nerd.”

“Takes one to know one, princess.”

James was now a toddler causing all kinds of chaos around the Munson-Harrington home. His sticky fingers got into everything even some of the cabinets that you had believed were too high for him to reach. 

“James Wayne Munson Harrington.”, you scold with your hands on your hips as you watch him lean back and laugh with a wide smile that only rivaled that of his dad. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Plopping his butt down on the counter, he dangles his legs over the side as he reaches his tiny hand into the snack box and produces a chocolate chip cookie. 

“Mama cookie…Yames.”, he coos as he points to himself while struggling to say his name correctly. 

“Mhmm. Didn’t you just eat lunch?”

“For…for mama an Rara.”

“Don’t you bribe me and your sister with sweets, you little butthead.”

“Why are you being mean to our son?”, Steve asks as he rounds the corner into the kitchen.

“Because our son parkoured up the counter for a snack.”

The three-year-old giggles as he offers his dad a cookie that he accepts before lifting him into his arms and putting the box back in the cabinet. 

“What did we say, bud?”

“Ask.”

“That’s right. You have to ask first. Now give mommy a kiss as an apology and get out of here, you butthead.”

Dylan was halfway through his senior year of high school and applied to a lot of colleges but was anxious to be accepted to a certain one because that’s where Daisy was going. The two of them had continued to date and see each other which you didn’t mind. What killed you however was that because of her family she was looking at a school that was a few states away. You had never been that far from your son and it scared you.

“I don’t know. I see bills and ads. Let me take my time to really read these though.” Dylan huffs making you smile as you give him a hug. He was so much taller than you now, your head resting against his chest as you wrapped your arms around him. “Everything’s going to be ok, weirdo. You’ll hear something soon. There’s still some time.” 

***

Steve ran his hands over his eyes exhaustedly while grading papers during his lunch. With winter break coming up, he wanted to get everything out of the way so he could take these next couple of weeks to spend some time with the kids especially Dylan. When he had mentioned going to school out of state, of course, he was proud and encouraged him to apply but he’d be lying if he didn’t say the idea of his son being so far away broke his heart.

“Stevie?”

The sound of Eddie’s voice calmed him as he smiled towards the door his husband was leaning against. 

“Hey you. What are you doing here?”

“You, uh, just started your lunch hour right?”

Steve knew that tone, something was going on that the metalhead was afraid would upset him. 

“Yeah? Everything ok?” As he turned his head towards the hall, your ex-husband stepped into view. “No. Nope. Not happening.”

“Give us a second.”, Eddie gestured towards Charlie before entering the classroom and closing the door. “Steven, calm down.”

“Calm down? Why the fuck is he here?! Whatever he wants the answer is no.”

“Baby, sit. Please? At least hear me out first.” Steve huffed as he folded his arms and pouted while Eddie sat on his desk in front of him. “I get it. Trust me I do but I felt like…for what he’s asking we should talk about it at most. He wanted to speak to us both first out of respect because we are Dylan’s dads.”

“Damn right.”

“He’s not asking to spend time with him again or anything like that. Charlie doesn’t think Dylan would even want that but… he’s asking to see him graduate.”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Edward Munson?!”, Steve practically shouts as he rises to his feet.

“Shhhh.”, the metalhead tries to calm him doing the same.

“No! He hasn’t earned that fucking right. He hasn’t been here AT ALL in over 5 years. Why is that?! Oh, that’s right, he signed him over. Charlie had plenty of chances to be there for him and he failed! WE raised him and he thinks he can just waltz back in and be a part of something like that?!”

“Steve! Breathe.”, Eddie tries to sooth as he cups his face in his hands. “Breathe. I get where you are coming from. I said all of the same things to him when he came to the shop. But… I get it from Dylan’s side to. Remember when I finally graduated? I was so excited that Wayne was there but there was still a part of me… that wished my mom and dad could see me finally do it to. A lot of that was to spite them and show them I could do it.”, he chuckled making Steve smile. “But a lot of it was also the little kid in me wanting them there.”

The man in his arms heavily exhaled before tilting forward to kiss his lips and gesturing for Eddie to bring him in.

“I warned you before, Charlie, about hurting my son. If we talk to him and he wants you there and you don’t show up…I swear to God—”

“No, no. I understand. I’ll move heaven and earth to be there I swear.”

“Yeah to bad you couldn’t do that for him or Brody before.”

“Steve.”, Eddie warned.

“No, he’s right. I always said I’d never be like my stepdad yet… I’m, um, glad he’s had you two. I’m working with Vivian to be there for Brody. I’m trying…”

“You understand if he or Y/N says no, then the answer is no?”

“Yeah, I understand. Thank you for hearing me out though. I know I don’t deserve it.”

***

Your eyes constantly raked across them during dinner while they ate. Both men seemed completely distracted but especially Steve. 

“I’m done. I’m going to go play games upstairs.”, Dylan announces as he stands from the table. 

“Ah, kid, do you mind staying for a bit?”, Eddie asked throwing the two of you off guard. “Are you done to?”, he asks Ro as she beams up at him with her messy face. 

“Yes, daddy.”

“Good. Can you take this troublemaker and go watch tv please?”, he laughs as Steve blind sides her with a napkin to wipe her mouth and the other boy pulls James out of his chair, placing him on the floor. 

Aurora grabs her brother’s hand, giggling as they run to the tv in the living room. They wait until the sound of a show blares from that area before Eddie leans forward on his elbows and Steve leans back folding his arms. 

“I don’t know how to ease into this so I’m just going to say it. Charlie came to visit me and Steve today.”

Your eyes widen as your head ticks to the side while Dylan sighs mirroring Steve’s posture. 

“Whatever it is the answer is no.”

“Y/N…please. He said all he wanted was to see Dylan graduate from high school.”

“After everything he’s done?!”

“Yeah, I already went down that road, baby, but Eddie seems to think it’s worth the conversation.”, Steve exhaled heavily. 

“Do you?”, his son asked. “What did you say when he asked?”

“I told him that it was up to you and Y/N. If you two said you were fine with it—”

“But you don’t want him there?”

Steve glances towards Eddie who gives him a look of subtle warning.

“No, I don’t.”, he answers honestly causing the metalhead to huff in frustration. “I don’t feel like he’s earned that luxury after everything he’s done and put you through. But…I also feel like it’s your choice. If you want him there then he should be there. You know no matter what, kid, you’re still my son. It won’t hurt my feelings if you want him there.”

“Our feelings.”, Eddie added. “I get what Steve is saying but I’ve been on the other side. My dad was in prison when I graduated. I was ecstatic Wayne was there but…”

Dylan’s soft eyes shift towards you as he reaches for your hand. 

“Mom?”

“I just…I don’t want him to hurt you. I don’t you to get your hopes up and then he doesn’t show.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Stevie already threatened him if he didn’t show.”, Eddie grinned making your son laugh. 

“I’d, um, I’d like to talk with him before I make a decision if that’s alright.”

***

“Baby?”, Eddie cooed as he came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist while you leaned in the doorway of James’s room. Steve had fallen asleep in the toddler’s little racecar bed, his frame much too big for the mattress underneath as his legs hung off the side. His arm was holding the small boy to his side as he rested his sleeping head on his father’s chest. 

“Eddie, why do you think everything with Charlie affects him so much more?”

“Hm, sweetheart, it affects us both about the same but Steve here just sucks at hiding it. I love Dylan with my heart and would do anything for him. I’d be lying if I said the idea of him going to graduation doesn’t make me angry but if that’s what our son wants then I want him to be happy.” You nod at his statement, giving the man pause. “How does it make you feel? Be honest.”

“I don’t want him to go. I don’t…trust that he’ll actually show up. I feel like Steve right now where I just want to tell Dylan that we’re his parents and the answer is no so we can protect him.”

“The problem with that, my love, is you don’t know for 100% if that will be the outcome. I mean look at what happened with your mom.”

“Eddie, he’s my baby.”

“I know, babe. I know.”, he soothes as he turns you around and wraps you in his arms. 

***

“When he gets here, do you want us to leave you two alone?”, the metalhead asked as the three of them waited at a table in the nearby Hawkins Diner.

“Not like alone, alone though. We’d be a couple of tables away.”, Steve assured confidently, trying to push down all of the emotions he was feeling. 

“Can you stay, please? I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m a little terrified.”

“Terrified how, bud? You don’t have to do this if you’re uncom—”

“Steve! Calm down, sweetheart.”, Eddie chuckles as he rubs his back comfortingly. 

Dylan reached for his father’s hand and flashed him a big smile. 

“Everything’s going to be ok, dad. No matter what you both are always going to be my real fathers.”

As they beamed over at him, a figure caught Eddie’s eye as it quickly turned to leave. 

“Hey, I’m, uh, I’m going to go smoke before he gets here. I’ll be right back.”

Throwing on his jacket, the long-haired boy hastily power walked towards the front door, opening it just in time to see Charlie heading back to his truck. 

“HEY! No. No, no, no, no.”, he shouted as he ran to block his path. “No. You are NOT doing this to him. You’re here now just get the fuck in there and talk to him.”

“I-I-I can’t. I saw him and… he looks so different now. That’s not my little boy anymore. I can’t do this. I can’t—”

Eddie abruptly shoved the man against his vehicle, cutting him off. 

“You’re right. He’s not a little boy anymore. Unfortunately, you missed that because you were too fucking selfish. Now you have a chance to be a part of his adult life if that’s what he wants but, Charlie, if you walk away now that is never going to happen. Don’t be a fucking coward. He’s a good kid.”

“Because of you two. He fucking hates me.”

“Believe it or not, he doesn’t. Dylan thinks YOU hate HIM.”

“What? No. I love him and Brody so much.”

“Then where the fuck have you been?!”, he sighs releasing him from his hold. “He’s graduating with honors and a baseball scholarship to any school he chooses. He wants to go to a school up north with his girlfriend to major in music and education so he can become a music teacher. Dylan has worked so hard to get here. Don’t ruin it with your bullshit.”

Eddie shakes his head as he saunters back inside and plops down next to Steve. 

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”, he grins but his husband can see right through it. 

Placing his arm around the back of his chair, he leans close to his ear. 

“You’ll tell me later?”

A throat clears startling everyone as they turn to see Charlie standing beside the table. 

“Hi. Hey.”, his voice trembles as he shakes Eddie and Steve’s hands before turning to give Dylan his attention. “Hey, um, wow. Jesus. You look so much like your mom.”

“Oh. Uh, thank you. She thinks I look like you. To be fair she thinks none of her kids look like her.”

“Yeah? How many siblings do you have now?”

“Not including Brody, two. A sister and another brother.”

Your ex nods taking a seat as Dylan folds his arms over his chest. The guys were trying their best to stay as out of the way as they could while still being present for their son.

“So, uh--”

“Why do you want to come to my graduation?”, the boy asked bluntly. “My entire life you never went to anything that I was involved in and then signed me away. Why do you care?”

“I didn’t…sign you away… I just…I was never good at being a dad.”

“Why didn’t you try? Was it because of me?”

“No. God, no. Dylan, to me you were…are… absolutely perfect. I love you with all my heart. That’s why I signed those papers. After talking with your mom, I realized these two would be a better father for you than I ever could.”

Your son nods, sighing under his breath as he collects his thoughts. 

“Mom will be there and Vivian to. Is that going to be a problem?”

“Oh, uh, no. I didn’t realize they were talking to each other.”

“They aren’t. Dylan wanted to get to know Brody and Vivian missed him so Y/N lets him go to her house on the weekends.”, Steve explained. 

“Wow. It seems a lot has changed.”

“It’s been 5 years, Charlie. What did you expect?”

Your ex flinched at the sound of Dylan using his name but unlike the incident with Steve, it didn’t bother your son. He had long since moved past feeling like Charlie was his dad and could honestly never see himself calling him that again. 

“I don’t want you to go to my graduation but, maybe, we could get together and get to know each other again. Work our way up to having a relationship… I mean if mom and my dads are okay with it.”

“Yeah, Dil. I’d like that.”

Hearing Charlie call him that again stuck a raw nerve he kept tucked away for the last five years causing him to abruptly rise from his seat. 

“Ok, I’m ready to go now.”, he announces without waiting for an answer and flying out the front door. 

“Thank you guys for this. Tell Y/N I said thank you to.”

“Oh, she didn’t approve of this either. I’m the only one that seems to be slightly on your side but that’s because I know what it’s like to have your father abandon you.”, Eddie exhales as he and Steve get up as well.

“I didn’t…I didn’t abandon him.”

“Yeah, sure. Neither did my dad. He just boosted cars and ended up in jail for the rest of his life. It’s not his fault.”, he responded sarcastically. “Step one on rebuilding your relationship with him Charlie… Own your mistakes.”

################

“No Grandpa! You have to wear the crown because you’re a princess.”, Aurora giggled as she places the colorfully crown she created out of paper onto Wayne’s head. 

“I’m a princess? Not a King?”

“No.”, she laughs harder, cover her mouth with her little hand. 

Beaming over at them from your place on the floor, you and James continue to color in his little coloring book Eddie’s uncle had brought over. 

“Granpa, purty.”

“Thank you, James. I do feel beautiful.”

The alarm beeps as the front door opens and you do everything in your power not to get up to run to them anxiously. 

“Oh wow, Wayne. I must say, you make a gorgeous queen.”, Eddie teases.

“For your information, son, I’m a princess.”

The metalhead chuckles as they come to sit by you in the living room and your son immediately crawls to Steve to show him his pictures. 

“Dada, look.”

The sound of Dylan’s feet subtly bang up the stairs as he heads for his room and closes the door. 

“He’s ok, baby. Just needs some time alone.”, your husband assures. 

“What happened? Did he show up?” They gave you a recount of everything that happened including Eddie telling you both about him almost leaving. “I can’t say I’m not happy he won’t be going but who knows. Maybe in these six months Dylan may change his mind.”

The next couple of days went by with little to no fan fair as Christmas break finally came. That Friday after coming home from work, you checked the mail like you normally do except a college insignia catches your eye. Running full speed into the house, you drop everything as you scream your son’s name.

“Jesus Christ, woman. What is happening?!”, Eddie exclaims as he slides in from the kitchen.

As Dylan sprints down the stairs with Steve in tow, you present him with the envelope he had been waiting weeks for. Hastily, he yanks it from your grasp and tears it open as you dance on the balls of your feet. 

“Oh my god.”

“What? Is it good news? Bad news?”

With wide tear-filled eyes, a small grin spreads along his face. 

“I got in.”

All the adults in the room shout in excitement as you tackle hug your arms around him. 

“Baby, oh my god. I’m so proud of you!”

“Good job, Dylan.”, Eddie beams. “You’ll be the first Munson to go to college.”

“I’m proud of you to, little man.”, Steve smiles softly as he gives the boy a hug. 

“I’m going to go call Daisy. I love you guys!”, he declares as he speeds back up to his room. 

The metalhead holds up his index finger in your direction as both men tilt their head and wait for his door to close before the other boy nods. As soon as you get the go ahead, you fall into their arms and begin to cry. 

“I know, baby. He grew up too fast. We’re going to miss him to.”

***

“Ok, I finally got Aurora and James to sleep. Eddie is in the kitchen eating Santa’s cook—“, Steve froze when he finally entered the bedroom and noticed the image before him. 

You were sitting on the edge of the bed in a velvet red lingerie dress that cut off just so on your thigh barely hiding your panty less crotch with the white fluff that wrapped around the bottom. Your hair was curled and flowed down your shoulders as the Santa hat you wore sat perfectly on your head. 

“I thought you two could open this present early.”, you grin in a seductive voice as you cross your legs and lean back on your hands. 

“Eddie…”, Steve tried to call with a needy crack in his tone. “E-Ed-Eddie… EDWARD!”

“What!?”, the metalhead whisper shouts making you giggle. “Dude, lower your voice. You’re gonna wake—” While he was talking, the man pulled his collar to hurry him up and your grin grew as the other boy’s mouth fell open as well. 

“Get in here, you dorks.”, you tease as you get up, pull them both into the bedroom, and shut the door. “I was thinking we could try something Eddie has mentioned a few times.”

“Oh my god, I’m so in love with you.”, Steve sighs happily as he lifts you into his arms and spins you around before placing a kiss on your lips. “Do we get to handcuff him? Please tell me we do!”

“If you both want.”

Eddie giddily climbs into the bed, kissing your lips before a thought crosses his mind. 

“Wait, we haven’t handcuffed Steve to the bed yet and I feel like this whole edging thing would be way more fun to do to him… Mr. I’m-the-big-protector-guy.”

The pretty boy rolls his eyes as he falls on to his back, lifting off his shirt, and throwing it in his husband’s face playfully. 

Pushing some of your hair behind your ear, you restrain him to the headboard as the metalhead pulls off the boy’s sweats and boxers. 

“Should we have like a safe word or something? You both get sensitive quickly and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”, you ask in a soft, loving voice that makes him smile. 

“I’ve heard ‘Red’ is a good word.”, Eddie offers, grinning when you both nod in affirmation. 

“Say ‘Red’ if I’m uncomfortable. Got it.”, Steve repeats, smirking when you put your Santa hat on his head. “You know, you’re pretty sensitive to, fyi.” 

“I guess next time, we’ll have to test that theory.”, you tease as you run your palm through the hair on his chest and over to his side. “Ok, my love, do you want to start since you’re the sexual deviant that’s been looking up this stuff?”

The long-haired boy smiles mischievously as he leans over the other boy’s stomach to kiss your lips. 

“You…like…it.”, Eddie coos between each peck. 

As you continue to rub his chest, Steve’s breathing stutters as the man he loves take his cock in his warm hands and begins slowly stroking him. 

“How does that feel, baby?”

“G-good. Really good. I like when y-you both touch me.”

Your palm slides up his neck to his cheek and he tenderly kisses your thumb as it grazes his lips. Shifting your body, you curl up on his side as you listen to the sound of Eddie spit over his tip and smear it along his length making Steve’s mouth open in a silent O.

“Fuck, Eddie, baby.”

Trailing kisses along his side, your hands and nails continue to roam his upper torso as his back arches at the sensations. As your husband’s ringed hand pumps him faster, Steve bites his bottom lip to suppress the loud moan that wants to escape. 

“You look so handsome like this.”, you whisper as you tenderly move some of his hair away from his face. “Keep talking to us, Stevie. Please.”

“C-Can’t.”

“Why?”

“Too…too good.”

Beaming towards the other man, he winks at you as he drops another glob of spit over Steve’s tip as the boy ruts up into his hand. You both know his tells for when he’s about to let go; you’ve all studied each other very well over these past almost 12 years. Just as Steve was nearing his release…Eddie let him go and leaned back on his knees. 

“N-No. No, no, no!”

“How are we feeling now, Harrington?”

The man huffed as he tugged on his restraints before groaning with need as Eddie wrapped his lips around his cock taking him all the way down to the back of his throat. After kissing his lips, you trailed your own down his chest to his stomach and stopping just above the base of shaft. 

The metalhead came off him with a syrupy smack, stroking the man with his hand as he leaned towards you to passionately kiss your lips. The two of you played with Steve for a good long while, taking turns bringing him to the edge just before pulling back. His cock was dripping with both your saliva, angry and red from all the teasing. 

As you glanced his way, his eyes were squeezed shut as he muttered things under his breath. 

“Steve, honey? Are you ok?”

His eyes opened abruptly, meeting yours with a fire you hadn’t seen from him in a very long time.

“Eddie, let him go.”, you breathily moaned as his intense gaze never left yours. 

The moment the cuffs came off, Steve’s sweaty frame practically tackled your own as he lifted you into his arms and spun you around making you giggle at his earnestness as your head hit the pillows. His lips devoured yours as if it had been ages since he tasted your kisses. Hissing at your touch, you reached between you both and guided him into your entrance. Before he could make any kind of movement, Eddie took hold of his hips and slide into the man above you. 

Steve was anything but gentle as he slammed his lower half into you both desperately chasing his release. 

“Oh…oh my God, baby. Just like that.”, you whimpered as his head feel beside you, latching his lips to your neck. 

Glancing up to your other husband, his hair blocked his face as he grunted and clung to Steve’s waist as he met each thrust with a hard, rough one of his own. 

The bed underneath you began to shake and the metalhead quickly reached up to hold it still with his palm.

“Fuck, Steve. You feel so fucking good. I love you, baby. M-Make me cum.”

Clinging to his hair and back, he pounded into you till the coil snapped and your pussy clenched tightly around him. The sound he made in your ear drove you crazy as his body trembled on top of yours and you felt his seed release inside of you. As he aggressively thrust it deep into your cunt, Eddie fell against his back, and held his chest as he came inside of the man below him.  

“Jesus fucking Christ, that was amazing.”, the metalhead panted. “Steve, sweetheart, are you ok?”

“I think he fell asleep.”, you giggled as you petted the boy’s head. “Stevie, baby?”

“Hm?”, he grumbled as he snuggled closer to you.

“Are you alright?”

“Hmm…mmhmm…”, he nodded. 

“As much as I would love for you to fall asleep inside of me, it’s Christmas eve. You know at 7am those kids are going to burst through our door.”

Groaning, he nods as he rolls off you with Eddie immediately ready with a pair of boxers and rag to wipe him off. After making sure Steve was set, your husband grinned as he lifted you into his arms, disrobed you, and placed you in the shower as he delicately cleaned you. 

“I love you to, baby.”, you smile up at him as he kisses your forehead. 

“I love you even more. You looked really gorgeous in that outfit and I’m sure Steven will agree when he’s more coherent.”, he chuckles. 

Wrapping your arms tightly around his waist, he does the same as he rests his chin on your head. 

“You know these next few months I’m going to need you two to help me hold it together.”

“I know, sweetheart. I can’t even picture Dylan not being in this house anymore. God, and we’re both going to have to be on Steve duty because you know he’s going to be a mess to.”

################

While Eddie and Steve sip their coffee, you pat James’s back as he curled up around you after opening all his presents and went back to sleep. 

While Aurora was distracted with her morning cartoons, Dylan had gone upstairs to change and came back down just as your doorbell rang. Passing the baby to one of his fathers, you threw on your jacket and opened the front door to a fiddling Charlie. 

“Oh, um, hey Y/N. Merry…Merry Christmas.”

“Yeah, so you’re taking him to Vivian’s?”

“Um, yes, ma’am. She’s letting me spend the day with Brody so I asked Dylan if he wanted to join and he said yes.”

Turning to your son, you fixed his ski cap before kissing his cheek. 

“No detours to Daisy’s ok? I want you home straight after for dinner.”

Smiling at you, he jogs towards your ex’s truck and quickly climbs into the heat. 

“Thank you for this. I really appreciate it…after everything.”

“Don’t thank me, Charles. Thank those men in there. I still think this is a bad idea because of everything but we all just want our son to be happy. But I swear to God…I’m not the same woman I was 18 years ago. If you hurt him—”

“I know…your, uh, boyfriends threatened me already.”

“Husbands. Oh, they’ll be the first wave but I’ll be the finishing move. I’m not weak anymore.”

“You never were.” His response startles you as you hug your arms tighter around your body and he softly smiles. “I’ll have him back in a few hours.”

As you reentered the house, their eyes watched you as you sit beside them on the couch still hugging yourself. Ringed fingers threaded through your hair before turning you to face them. 

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah. It’s just weird seeing Charlie be this way.”

“I can understand that. It’s like if my dad came through that door with a smile and a Santa level of presents.”, Steve sighed. 

“Are you both ok? I told him to be home for dinner that way after we eat maybe you three can play that new game we got him.”

“It’s whatever he wants, baby. I try to remember what it was like when I was his age and I never wanted to be home.”, the pretty boy laughs. “So, the fact that he likes hanging out with us at all makes me happy.”

Eddie nods in agreement as James wiggles in his embrace. 

“Daddy. Yames…hungee…”, the boy babbles as he taps his mouth with his palm. 

“I guess it is that time to start fattening him up so we can have him plump enough to eat for dinner later.”

“No, daddy! Don’t be mean to James.”, Aurora scolds as her brother giggles. 

“Come on, you. Let’s see if Santa left us anymore cookies in our pantry.”

#########

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[queerprayers]

do you have any tips for protestant christians who want to practice advent in a more ritualistic way?

Happy Advent, beloved! I love this question!

Hopefully this isn't too obvious but just in case: Advent wreaths were originally a Lutheran tradition and they're my favorite holiday ritual! I'm in the minority in that my church's Advent color is blue, but many people's are purple and pink. The Wikipedia page lists some different traditions—some people give a meaning to each candle. Generally people will have five and light one for each week of Advent and then one for Christmas. Advent is cut short this year (Advent 4 and Christmas Eve are the same day) but it's still never too late to start participating in a season! One day of mindful Advent is more precious than weeks of half-hearted Advent.

I have blue and gold candle holders, but many places sell Advent-specific candles and holders, or you can just get four or five candles (real or fake) from around the house and arrange them! I haven't gotten around to it yet this year but I like gathering evergreen branches from outside and arranging them in more of a proper wreath, but a fake wreath would work too, or just candles on a cloth or table.

I also saw this 20-minute Advent candle set, where you can light a candle each day and let it burn down while praying/meditating/writing. You could set a timer and do something similar with any type of candle. Candles are a staple of winter holidays for a reason—light and warmth, obviously, and there's something about having a natural source of those things existing in your house when so much of the rest of your life may be artificial. I thank God my house has heating, but I also seek out the ways this earth provides what we need, if we only know where to look.

Some form of counting down to Christmas is a main theme of Advent traditions, and I don't think this is a bad thing at all, although I do see my Advent wreath as more of a fulfillment than a countdown. I always encourage people to take at least a moment for just Advent. We could look at Lent as a countdown to Easter, but we might miss the journey. And after all, Holy Week and Easter is the culmination of our calendar, not Christmas. We are still in the beginning.

My family doesn't usually put up a Christmas tree until around the 23rd, and I don't listen to Christmas carols until Christmas Eve. I don't refuse to participate in secular/cultural Christmas events/traditions before then, but Christmas as religious practice is twelve days for us, starting the 25th. I have time to make room, to prepare. I'm listening to Advent music now, to ground myself in time. I don't say this because I think everyone should necessarily do this (by all means, find room for joy wherever you can), but because an Advent value that I find meaning in is patience. Christmas exists, joy exists, salvation exists—but what happens in the time before those things? What happens if we're not there yet, if we perhaps have to wait our whole lives? We do not know the future, but there are things we can see, and even more things we can trust in. How can we practice hoping for it all?

This year I'm reading Watch for the Light: Readings for Advent and Christmas (the last gift my grandfather gave me), and it's marking my days in a similar way candles do—connecting me with the world, setting aside time, bringing me back to why I exist the way that I do. There are countless devotional/topical books out there—as well as Watch for the Light, I would recommend Preparing for Christmas by Richard Rohr and Accompanied by Angels: Poems of the Incarnation by Luci Shaw (which can double as a Lenten/Easter book as well). I'm also looking forward to reading in future years Celtic Advent by David Cole and WinterSong by Madeleine L'Engle & Luci Shaw.

If you don't usually attend worship services, Advent is a lovely time to start—it's the new year, after all! My city has a caroling night downtown, and you could look for similar events in your community. You could also start new worship traditions—my uncle hosts a Christmas carol singing circle every year, and his apartment is squished full of happy people, some Christian and some not, singing until the neighbors complain.

Speaking of the new year, that's what this is for many of us, and one way we can acknowledge that is by thinking about the past year and/or the year to come. What was last Advent like for you? Where are you now? Why are you seeking out more ritual this year? Are there future seasons in the church year that you want to further observe? What joy and grief and community do you see on the road ahead of you? What can you not even begin to imagine? Advent can be a beginning for all of it, if you let it. And Advent is the ultimate time to contemplate the past and the future—as we remember Jesus coming two thousand years ago, as we experience him every day, and as we look to a second coming that none of us understand but can occasionally stand to ponder.

There are the little things, too—writing Christmas cards is very ritualistic for me, as well as making gifts, and preparing for Christmas in a material way, especially if it's for others, can be a lovely ritual! Volunteering, preparing a home, creating, writing, taking a walk--anything, really, can be a ritual if we do it purposely. We don't always have to add something to our life—we can live something we already live in a new way.

And then there's the other kind of practice: emptying. We talk about this most when we encounter Lent, but I think there's a place for it here, too (and always). I don't mean abandon our responsibilities/hobbies/relationships, but most of us have too much. It is a blessing to have, but it can also be a blessing to let go. Many of us overwork ourselves during December, at work, at school, financially, socially, around the house. I've learned to look at busy-ness as a gift, but I also work to not fill up my life until there's no room for the season. There are people who fast during Advent, but there are other ways to make space in our lives to fill up with God, and Advent encourages us to spend time in that space. God is coming, a thief in the night, a late guest, an overlooked baby. Do you have room? Do you still have the attention span and energy? Will you even notice?

Christmas is many things to many people, and preparing for it is similarly diverse. I'm carrying a lot of grief with me this year, from both family and world tragedy. I know a lot of people who feel pressured to be happy during the holidays, and that breaks my heart—and it also makes me wonder how much having a ritualistic Advent since I was a kid has helped me avoid that. Happiness was never a value my family held—it was beautiful, but not inherently holy. Emotions come and go. Love exists infinitely, and patience and hope can be practiced and lived out regardless.

There are so many traditions, especially in the US, that leave people hungering for ritual and material practice—I've found a lot of physicality in Lutheranism, similar to my Catholic family, but I know there are those who have never really had that. When we seek ritual, it's often because there's something (or many things) in our practice either growing up or currently that we don't have and seek—whether that's the sensory experiences of incense and stained glass, the daily habits of rosary or novena, the liturgical practice of seasons and services, choral and hymn-singing, contemporary music, contemplation, academia, casualness, relatability, mystery, social justice, huge gatherings, tiny meetings, or any of the other Christian experiences that usually traditions don't or can't have all at once. When we seek ritual, we seek what we don't have, but often find what we already have as well. So many things are rituals that we take for granted because we've always had them or gotten used them. Seek new rituals, and seek what is already in your life that you can decide to do. Take your traditions, and find the traditions you didn't receive but hunger for, and make a life. You have time—Advent happens every year, and as far as we know and can hope, we will have many more Advents.

Ultimately, ritual is doing it all on purpose. It's finding rhythm. So much of our lives are accidental, and this can be beautiful and holy, but you have come seeking the things we invite. And yet even things that happen to us can become purposeful, as Mary teaches us: "Let it be with me according to your word." Whether she had a choice is sometimes discussed, but to me often the more relevant question is how she dealt with what came her way. Ritual is taking what we are given and doing it on purpose, and Advent gives us a long tradition, passed down through generations, of active waiting. We have no choice but to wait for the future, but today we will do it with our eyes open. Act as if the world is going to turn upside down—and you will notice it is, all the time.

In Watch for the Light, Henri Nouwen writes, "A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us. Impatient people are always expecting the real thing to happen somewhere else and therefore want to go elsewhere. The moment is empty. But patient people dare to stay where they are. Patient living means to live actively in the present and wait there. Waiting, then, is not passive. It involves nurturing the moment, as a mother nurtures the child that is growing in her."

Whatever rituals you invite in or find that you already have, however you nurture the moments that make up this season, I pray they make room in your heart for what God can bring. As Rilke tells us (in teaching how to approach art, but what else are the mysteries of this season?), "Everything is gestation and then bringing forth. To let each impression and each germ of a feeling come to completion wholly in itself, in the dark, in the inexpressible, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one's own intelligence, and await with deep humility and patience the birth-hour of a new clarity."

<3 Johanna

[the-conversation-pod]

Tens and Chops, Vol. 1 (A Grab Bag Episode)

We gotta clear the decks ahead of the VIIB Awards, so it’s a grab bag episode! Ben, NiNi, and Shan talk a bunch of shows that we couldn’t NOT talk about, and award the fall’s Girl You Tried.

Grab a drink and a snack and join us for one of the most varied episodes we've had on the show.

Timestamps

The timestamps will now correspond with chapters on Spotify for easier navigation.

00:00:00 - Introduction 00:01:15 - Kiseki: Dear To Me 00:12:20 - Dangerous Romance 00:26:05 - Love In Translation 00:41:14 - I Cannot Reach You 00:54:43 - My Personal Weatherman 01:07:01 - If It's With You 01:15:38 - Absolute Zero 01:21:05 - My Dear Gangster Oppa 01:33:32 - Middleman's Love 01:49:07 - Final Thoughts, and Girl, You Tried

The Conversation Transcripts!

Thanks to the continued efforts of @ginnymoonbeam as transcriber, and @lurkingshan as an editor and proofreader, we are able to bring you transcripts of the episodes.

We will endeavor to make the transcripts available when the episodes launch, and it is our goal to make them available for past episodes (Coming soon thanks to @wen-kexing-apologist). When transcripts are available, we will attach them to the episode post (like this one) and put the transcript behind a Read More cut to cut down on scrolling.

Please send our volunteers your thanks!

00:00:00 - Welcome

NiNi

Welcome to The Conversation About BL, aka The Brown Liquor Podcast.

Ben

And there it is. I’m Ben.

NiNi

I’m NiNi.

Ben

And we’re you’re drunk Caribbean uncle and auntie here sitting on the porch in the rocking chairs.

NiNi

Four times a year we pop in to talk about what’s going on in the BL world.

Ben

We shoot the shit about stories and all the drama going into them. I review from a queer media lens.

NiNi

And I review from a romance and drama lens.

Ben

So if you like cracked-out takes and really intense emotional analysis…

NiNi

If you like talking about artistry, industry, and the discourse…

Ben

And if you generally just love simping…

NiNi

There is a lot of simping on this podcast…

Ben

We are the show for you!

00:01:15 - Tens and Chops

Ben

And we're back! We've made it to the Grab Bag for this season of The Conversation. We've named this one “Tens and Chops: Volume 1.” I really hope we have a collection of these to do a smash cut off in the future.

NiNi

So looking forward to it. Definitely looking forward to it. Absolutely looking forward to it. I named it Volume 1 for a reason.

Ben

We have nine shows to talk about plus a bonus segment. Because there are nine shows to talk about, we have brought in help for this one. We have brought in our drama expert, Shan, who is with us again.

Shan

Hello people.

NiNi

Ah, that sweet, sweet smell of a great guest. I love it. Okay, all right, let's dive in, people.

Ben

All right. So, Shan, we're finally into the winter. Let's discuss the fall shows as an experience. As you know, I was grumpy as hell coming out of the summer through the fall with the state of BL. 

How are you feeling about all these various shows?

Shan

Your grumpiness was not unfounded. I don't think the fall season was particularly strong. We hit a slump. A lot of shows just flopped right at the end after strong starts, a lot of shows just didn't take off. There were some things that we were really excited about and then when we actually got to them it was…just so fucking disappointing. [laughs]

I think the strong start to the year and some of our expectations for these shows maybe set us up to be a little extra disappointed in how the season went.

Ben

Before we get into all of the shows individually, NiNi, for the sake of our audience, who may want to skip around this episode, please read the list of shows we're about to discuss.

NiNi

[clears throat] Don't mind if I do! So, in this episode we shall be discussing Kiseki: Dear To Me from Taiwan, Dangerous Romance from Thailand, Love In Translation also from Thailand, I Cannot Reach You from Japan, My Personal Weatherman also from Japan, If It's With You also from, you guessed it, Japan, Absolute Zero from Thailand, My Dear Gangsta Oppa from Thailand-ish, and Middleman's Love the most Thai thing I have seen. [laughs]

Ben

All right. So we're going to be here for a while. I hope you grabbed your drinks and a snack.

NiNi

Put us on pause. Go pee, come back. Or you could just take your phone to the bathroom. Whatever you're doing, I'm not judging you.

Ben

I am, don't worry.

[NiNi laughs]

00:04:20 - Kiseki: Dear To Me

NiNi

Alright, let's start with Kiseki. Ben, what is Kiseki about?

Ben

It's about how nothing was learned from HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count, and that once again I have been made to suffer for things I did not do. 

Kiseki: Dear to Me is a Taiwanese BL about a well-performing high school student late in his studies who gets wrapped up in the gang politics of his local area, falls in love with a gangster, and complications ensue? There's a side couple that's also a bunch of gangsters who end up stealing the show.

Shan

[laughs] I was going to say, I'm pretty sure this show is actually about Ai Di, but okay.

Ben

It is a Lin Pei Yu joint, and we were expecting so much more from her, and yet here we are talking about it in the Grab Bag.

NiNi

Mm-mm-mm. So, Shan, come on in here. Give me, like, a word or a short phrase—something pithy—for the audience.

Shan

Hmm… The pithy description of this show? “Chaotic, but in an awesome way.”

NiNi

Interesting…

Ben

I will agree with that. This show was fun as hell to watch when it wasn't enraging for me.

NiNi

[laughs] I don't know. I was watching it and literally losing the thread while I was watching it.

Shan

Your mistake was ever trying to grasp the thread in the first place.

NiNi

You right, you're right. I made a mistake. My bad. I shouldn't have tried. But—[laughs]—the show was clearly trying, so I thought I had to try, too. 

Listen, I often find Taiwanese shows hard to follow, personally, and I know that's a me thing. But it's something about where they choose to start and end their episodes, I think. I lose the thread.

Ben

I do agree with that. I don't think that, at least the BL tradition we've been exposed to, values episodic structure in a way that is recognizable to those of us who are probably grounded in the American sitcom tradition. A lot of their shows, we tend to remember as a whole, not as individual parts, and that did not work very well here. 

You were not the only person struggling from episode to episode remembering what the fuck was going on. I struggled as well. It was difficult watching this show because I didn't really know thematically what the show wanted to be about. While I really liked the work everyone did—I think all of the actors at every level were really dialed in and it was fun for some of the cameos. I will never return to this particular show because this show involves Wayne Song and Huang Chun Chih as gangsters who are rivals with the leads we care about. 

They have Wayne playing this super-violent, kind of out-of-control gang leader who has to die, and he does, and this is a bad choice because it's not like the rest of us fucking forgot about HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count, and then they released a special episode that is just, “By the way, Chun Chih's character was mooning after him the whole time and now he's sad.” Why? Why was this the choice? Have you not learned that we don't want you to kill these guys? Shit!

NiNi

I think definitely the cameos across the board lost me—A, because I don't watch that much Taiwanese BL, so a lot of it was like, “Wait, who's this guy? Who's this guy? Who's this guy? Why are they here? What are they doing?” I recognize a couple of faces from a couple of things, but mostly I was just confused.

Shan

This show was like 50% powered by cameos. That is what kept people excited week over week and talking about the show. Spotting the faces was really fun. 

So, NiNi, as the resident Taiwanese BL apologist around here, you are absolutely correct that it is often hard to follow the story. The writing is always the weakest point. What has always been my favorite thing about the shows we get from Taiwan is that there is a real connection, I think, between the physical stuff, the intimacy work, and the emotions of the characters, and they kind of really nail those relationship dynamics and that kind of character work. 

But the stories—the plots—have always been kind of a mess, even in my favorite Taiwanese BLs? And this one really took the cake. It was all over the place. I could not at any point in this show, find my footing in the plot, or what was supposed to be happening, or why I was supposed to care. 

That didn't really bother me because this is definitely a show that encourages you to just be along for the ride, and kind of react to scenes, and not worry too much about the overarching story. And that worked for me in this show enough that I had a good time. Would I say that it's good or well written? Absolutely not. [laughs] 

And Ben's complaints about the way that they used those actors from Make Our Days Count are absolutely valid. I kind of couldn't believe the audacity, putting Wayne Song in the show just to kill him off.

Ben

Audacity is the right call, bestie. Thank you very much.

Shan

Right, the audacity! Like, it was not a cool thing to do, and they shouldn’t have done it. So those criticisms are completely fair about this show.

NiNi

There are things about this that I absolutely liked. I did enjoy the couples. I enjoyed the unhinged-ness of them, but I couldn't follow their story, so I was just kind of vibing—which, totally my style. And when I was just vibing I was havin’ a good time. 

If I had to score Kiseki: Dear to Me. The couples are great, the story’s a mess. I'd give it a 6 ½.

Ben

Shan?

Shan

I gave it a 7.5, which was probably generous because I just had so much fun watching it, but I can't claim that it is structurally sound.

Ben

Shan, like the rest of MDL, rated this show with her coochie.

NiNi

That is staying in.

[all laugh]

Shan

What did you score it, Ben?

Ben

What do you think I scored it, bestie? 

Shan

I feel like you scored it real low, because you were pissed about Wayne Song. [laughs]

Ben

I was pissed.

NiNi

Ben was definitely offended, so it got a 5 or less.

Shan

Oh yeah, for sure.

Ben

What do you think I gave it?

Shan

3.

Ben

NiNi

5.

Ben

I gave it a 5. We're laughing a little bit, but legitimately that was so upsetting. And your show was stupid! There wasn't even a point to it. It was just shock, and it felt mean, like you're still salty with us about the HIStory franchise. You are not getting above a 5 from me, despite the fact that Louis Chang and Nat Chen were so much fun to watch, and how much I enjoyed the work between Taro Lin and Hsu Kai. I had a great time watching all four of these men and all the people who cameoed in this.

NiNi

Why do you think there was no Tang Yi and Shao Fei?

Ben

Because there's a cash grab for doing HIStory 6: Freed.

Shan

I want HIStory 6: Freed, and I want it fucking yesterday. Where is our show? [Ben laughs]

NiNi

Alright, so Ben gave it a 5. I gave it a 6.5. Shan gave it a very generous 7.5. Somebody do math.

Ben

That's a 6. 

Shan

You can call it a 6.

NiNi

It's a 6 for Kiseki: Dear to Me. Shoving it off, let's move on to the next one, which we are about to trash.

00:12:20 - Dangerous Romance

NiNi

Ben, tell the world about Dangerous Romance.

Shan

Oh, ho ho ho! Here we go!

Ben

Dangerous Romance—[sighs]—is about how a windmill… cannot be powered…without the wind.

[all break down for prolonged laughing fit]

NiNi

Please! I can’t stand your ass! 

Shan

Had to be done.

NiNi

Okay, bring it back, guys. Bring it back.

Ben

Dangerous Romance purports to be an inter class romance set in a high school between a very smart scholarship student who's super poor, because his parents are dead and it’s just him and his older brother, who's kind of irresponsible with money; and a rich kid who's kind of a pompous bully in school—has no valuable skills of any sort to bring to the table. The two of them crossed paths and are drawn to each other. There are things that happen in the show, I guess. Soccer is a big deal, at some point in this. There's very much a repeated High School Musical TROYYY bit that happens multiple times over three episodes.

[NiNi and Shan laugh]

NiNi

Oh, God, you shady bitch. Carry on.

Ben

It's trash. This show was fucking horrible. This show started out being so fucking interesting. There was the whole notion about Kanghan being just a stupid as hell bully, who only had money on his side, who was getting wrecked constantly by Sailom, this very smart, poor kid. 

And then after episode 2, it all went away, and it was about how Kanghan is a sad rich boy whose mom is dead. And so because his mom is dead, his dad just spoils him rotten, and he just wants his dad to treat him like a real boy, or whatever. I don't give a fuck. This show was so fucking trash. 

[NiNi laughs]

Shan, you're a fan of Shameless. Please explain to the people why this show was so offensive to you.

Shan

For the record, I think I dropped this show Week 4, because I was just so fucking pissed [laughs] about what they were doing with Sailom. 

A little background here: I grew up as a poor person—lived in poverty for like the first 20 years of my life. And I have always had a big interest in stories about class disparity, stories about surviving poverty, stories about families that get through those kinds of challenges because I lived it. And so I'm always very interested to see how it's depicted in fiction. So when the show started, I was so thrilled to finally see a Thai BL that seemed to be taking class disparity seriously? That seemed to want to explore what it actually means when a wealthy person and a poor person are kind of thrown together and have to figure out how to get on the same page across their differences. 

Sailom had some really serious shit set up for him. Him and his brother are in really hard times. They're in deep, deep debt. He's working multiple jobs to try to pay off this debt that they've inherited, and he has this fucking rich bitch bully on his ass, causing him problems, fucking with his jobs, fucking with his money, spreading rumors about him, costing him work! 

I think a lot of people who fell for this show maybe forgot—but I sure fucking didn't—that Kang spread rumors that Sailom was a fucking pedophile, and cost him all of his tutoring students. This is not minor shit that they set up at the beginning of this show to explain the adversarial relationship between these two characters. So I expected them to take it seriously. I expected this to be a serious narrative about how those two could get past those conflicts and come together in a romance—which obviously they were going to. But, that's not what we got at all. 

We didn't get a realistic look at what it means to be poor and to be living with a crushing debt that weighs you down every single day. We didn't get a realistic look at the dynamics between somebody who's grown up like Sailom with the experiences that he's had and the issues that he has to carry every single day, and how he might think about someone like Kang and how he might view him with disdain, and with resentment. We didn't get any of that. We didn't get a realistic look at how these two could come past the initial bullying and the initial things that Kang did to fuck with his life and his money. 

This is life-or-death stakes. They showed us that. Him and his brother are actually getting beat because of this debt on a regular basis. This is not a light issue. And so to set up all of that in the first two episodes, and then immediately pivot, by the third episode, to a bog-standard BL with these two just kind of flirtin’ with each other, and doing all the classic tropes, and Sailom apparently just fucking forgetting all the things that Kang did to him because of one isolated moment? 

None of it made any sense to me. I felt like they flipped a switch and changed Sailom's character from episode 2 to 3, and he never came back. I stopped watching the show in episode 4, but I continued to follow the discourse, so I know that the real Sailom never came back. 

I just don't understand what happened with this show. I don't understand how the same writers could have written those initial episodes and that set up and then carried out the show in the way that they did. I actually found it offensive. I am still pissed off about it! You can hear it in my voice, I'm sure! This was not a joke to me. I was very upset with what this show did. It's inexcusable.

Ben

Kill ‘em, bestie. [laughs]

NiNi

Murder them.

For me, the problem—the main problem with the show—was that the show was about Kanghan and it should have been about Sailom. That's really it in a nutshell. If the show was about Sailom, if it was about Sailom being the main character and you getting into Sailom’s head, and seeing Sailom’s life through Sailom’s eyes, and seeing how Sailom deals with his life, then that's the show that I wanted to see. 

You're talking about the serious shit that's going down. Kang literally shows up at Sailom’s house with a gun! Have we forgotten about this?

Ben

After his friend said, “Bruh, I think the whole gun thing is maybe going too far.”

NiNi

None of these characters are consistent. The characters that are set up in the beginning, the ones that you are interested in, the stories that you think, “Okay, this is what they're setting up.” None of that happens. Those characters vanish basically overnight. 

Saifah was set up to be this kind of charming, feckless older brother who can't be relied upon, but Sailom really loves him. He works with old people, and he kind of steals from them, and scams them a little bit. That's an interesting character. And then one day his debt collector sends a new guy, and the new guy is somebody he went to high school with. And I was like, “Well, this is about to be interesting!” [buzzer sound], I was wrong. No, it was not interesting.

Ben

It's really frustrating, because there's actually a fairly decent small plot in the middle of the show where Saifah has schemed his way into working for the same family. He's been dealing with a work related injury, and the grandma pays for some expensive European medicine for him. He doesn't realize this is for him, and he thinks about stealing it and replacing it with a generic. There’s a really interesting moment where he chooses not to steal from them and then learns that it was a gift intended for him, that is this really decent moment in the show which only further pisses me off. 

Every now and then, this show seemed to understand some of the complex dynamics it was about, and then went right back to fuckin’ it up for no reason.

Shan

I think NiNi is right that the main problem was that the show should have been Sailom’s show and instead they made it about Kanghan, and I don't know why they did that. The first two episodes were clearly rooted in Sailom’s story, and that's what really, I think, threw me.

Ben

Chimon is also the older, veteran actor. Why didn't they believe in him? Like, he could have carried this show. I do not know why they decided to lean on Perth. This is the second time this year they have tried to lean on Perth and it has not been a good choice.

NiNi

I think that Perth is a good actor but he needs a strong lead. He's a follow, but he's a good follow if he has a strong lead. Trying to put him in the lead position? He works best when he's pulling off of somebody.

Shan

Mhmm. If they had let Chimon anchor this, and him follow, I agree with you, NiNi.

NiNi

And then why did they even bother View and June? Why did they make them get out of bed?

Ben

Ohh, are we talking about the teacher-student line between View and June? I'm not.

Shan

I'm so glad I was already gone for that! Whew! I don't even want to know.

NiNi

It wasn't even a thing, though!

Ben

I'm not discussing it, I will not.

NiNi

Listen, honestly, the best parts of the show were, A, the first two episodes, B, everything that Euro did? Euro was great. I loved Euro.

Ben

Okay. I will say that. Let us not walk away from this without shouting out Euro. They do not give big boys a lot of love and respect in this field and, Euro. You did good work, sir. You should have been allowed to kiss—which of the twins was in this?

NiNi

I think it was JJ.

Ben

JJ! You should have been allowed to kiss JJ in this show!

NiNi

I also did not hate Marc and Pawin in this. They were not bad.

Ben

They were not good. [laughs]

NiNi

I didn't say they—I said I didn't hate them, and they were not bad.

Shan

Damning with faint praise indeed.

NiNi

And you know how I feel about Pawin!

Ben

The problem with this is, again, like the pieces were there. But, did you know that a windmill—[all laugh]—cannot function without the wind? If you're tired of this bit in the podcast, watch the show!

Shan

You can only imagine the horrors awaiting you.

Ben

There's a class difference between Kanghan—did you know his name means ‘windmill’?—anyway. 

And so there's a class difference between the two of them. And there's a class difference between Nawa, Pawin's character who's rich, and Guy, Marc's character who was poor. They're friends with the other leads. There was a real opportunity to tell a story about, how do these dynamics play out where people mix? There's an egalitarian aspect to all going to the same schooling system together, even if some of you are there by scholarship, or because your mom works for the place in the case of Euro's character Auto. Marc's character Guy, he's probably there on a football related scholarship because he's an athlete. 

Like there's an interesting thing to say here, but they did nothing with it. It is such a waste of all the goddamn talent on this show, and it was a waste of 12 weeks of my life. This show was bad. This show was offensive. And this show was stupid.

All right, ratings.

NiNi

I gave it a…5.

Ben

Shan?

Shan

Well, since I didn't actually finish the show, I didn't give it a formal rating, but y'all should know that it's, like, a 2 in my heart.

Ben

It is a 3 formally from me. I watched the whole fucking thing. It was shit and offensive. You get a 3 for that.

NiNi

So with 2, a 3, and a 5, I think that pulls you down towards the end of 3.5. 

Ben

Oh yeah, it's bad. 

NiNi

It's not good.

Ben

It's a 3. 

Shan

Do not watch it.

Ben

Unless you need to understand that windmills require the wind to function.

NiNi

[Laughs] Oh, no.

Ben

And let's talk about the fucking ending of this trash piece of shit. The tag of this show is these two characters engaged in sex work play where the poor kid is playing an escort who has to take care of his rich client. 

What the absolute fuck was this?

NiNi

I wanted to vomit.

Shan

I actually can't believe that happened. I saw it. I saw the GIFs on Tumblr, and I thought I was having a fucking hallucination or something.

NiNi

Sex work role play…Okay, anyway. So, on that note—

Ben

It's a chop!

Shan

Well that was a definite chop.

NiNi

Chop.

Ben

Three chops. [slams desk] It's over.

[NiNi laughs]

00:26:05 - Love In Translation

Ben 

On to the next show—oh, good, it finally gets better. [laughs]

Shan

This is a good one!

Ben

All right, great. 

NiNi 

The next show on the list, now that we've gotten that out of the way, is Love in Translation. Ben, what is Love in Translation about? 

Ben 

Love in Translation is a workplace BL in which two characters from different backgrounds come together to run a convenience store in Bangkok. One of them's name is Phumjai. He is a Thai national who comes from a seemingly well off family, who is obsessed with an idol named Tammy. He learns that Tammy is interested in picking up a potential partner in Thailand, but she wants that partner to be able to speak Mandarin and she would like for that character to also be an entrepreneur. Seeing that there's a chance here with Tammy, he decides he wants to formally learn Chinese and goes to a, like, small business association meeting or whatever, to see about starting something up. 

Meanwhile, we have Yang Yan Feng, who is a Chinese national who is here to open up a shop in a very specific point because of backstory reasons involving his dad, I guess. The two of these characters cross paths and don't end up liking each other at first, but circumstances come together, and the only Black character in Thai BL this year ends up connecting the two of them and they form a little shop together. Yang agrees to also teach Phumjai Mandarin and flirt with Tammy on his behalf. Very many hijinks ensue, but this show ended up being one of my favorites of the year. 

Shan, you ended up really enjoying this show. Tell us the things you liked about the show in the early weeks when we were deciding whether or not we needed to give ourselves La Pluie-level brainrot over it to convince people to watch it. 

Shan 

It ended up being really enjoyable. I was a little bit more skeptical going in than Ben. I'm not as inclined to sitcom style in BL as Ben is. Like, I think you kind of find it very comforting and familiar, whereas I kind of feel it's sometimes an awkward match of styles, and so I wasn't quite as convinced going in that I was gonna love it. But I enjoyed it a lot, and I think what I liked so much about this show is that, at its core, it's really just about kind people who are mostly just doing their best to be decent to each other and do right by each other. And they have misunderstandings. And there's a lot of comedy in those misunderstandings. There's silly stuff. There's fights, including physical fights that get pretty outrageous. There's characters making mistakes, but it feels like everybody's really well-intentioned and really earnestly trying their best. And I just think it's kind of impossible not to like a show like that. 

I also just really appreciated that this show—it had a good cast of characters. There was a lot of quirky folks. When I was watching it, I was reminded of shows like Superstore, where it's a little bit sitcom-y, you're in a store, you've got this big cast of personalities that you can kind of call on for comedy bits, as needed. And I thought it worked really, really well. 

And the romance between Phumjai and Yang, it was really nice. They just kinda liked each other once they got past their initial misunderstandings, and they got more comfortable with each other over time as they worked together on this project—on this store. They really got to know each other. 

Phumjai was fixated with this influencer Tammy originally, and he had a really natural progression away from that crush and toward developing feelings for Yang because of the authentic time that they were spending together and the real bond that they were building. And I always just find those kinds of romances really compelling. They're making something together, and that makes them want to be good to each other, and it makes them see the best in each other, and then become interested in each other. And I just think we don't get enough naturally building romances like that in the genre. 

Ben 

NiNi, since we successfully bullied you into watching this show, what did you think of it? 

[NiNi laughs]

NiNi 

It was deathly cute. I enjoyed every single minute of the show. I liked the internationalist perspective of it because you've got Odo and then one of the workers in the store, I think, is part Thai? And then Yang is Chinese, so there's some fun internationalist stuff happening in the show that you don't always see coming out of Thailand. Ngern was there. 

Ben 

Oh, are we talking about that now? For those of you who give a shit, who have been in the genre before 2gether the series, who were there before even SOTUS, Ngern Anupart, who played Earn in Love Sick the series, and also played the lead role in Waterboyy the movie, and was in a terrible Thai drama called Part Time this series, which we all attempted just for him. 

Shan 

Did you memorize that man's resume? 

Ben 

Of course.

NiNi 

He did. 

Ben

Ngern Anupart is back with us in BL, and he's swole now, girls. You should watch. 

[NiNi laughs]

Shan 

I will say, I'm a Love Sick girlie. I did love Earn, the character in that. I love Ngern, the actor. I was very happy to see him in this. His character was perhaps the most annoying in this show. [laughs] 

NiNi 

I loved it! 

Ben 

It was so funny that he was so annoying! I loved him in this! 

Shan 

He played Phumjai’s brother, Phojai, who was a classic overbearing older sibling who just could not let Phumjai have any space to live and learn and make mistakes. He just was so on top of him all the time and making him lose confidence in a way that I think was well-intentioned, but just extremely wrong-headed. Just getting in the way of his brother's success as he was constantly professing his intention to do the opposite. It was a really good storyline, to be clear, like it was really well done. 

NiNi 

It was really great and the other great part is that the whole time he's dating Phumjai’s good friend who also works at the store, and they're kinda working together to make the store a success in the background but they're doing it all wrong. Phojai and Tag are adorable together, but Phojai’s a little closeted. So it gets a little complicated. But overall, it ended up being real cute. There is a fantastic gag with some disguises that I swear to God was so hilarious. 

Ben 

Highlight of the year for me. [laughs]

NiNi 

This show was funny. It was sweet. It was… pretty hot, actually. 

Shan

Right! High heat.

Ben 

This show does comedy really well. The comedic timing of this show is so intentional. It was intentional when they were filming it, and it was intentional when they were editing it. It isn't perfect, but it's intentional and it lands really well. This show was so funny in the early episodes when it was leaning more into the sitcom bits. 

NiNi 

I found it funny all the way through, because I always find some of the humor in the pathos that comes later down the line. Like it was so funny when Phumjai and Yang went on the practice date because Phumjai is getting ready to go on this date with Tammy. And he's going on this practice date, and all he's thinking about on this practice date is, “What does Yang want to do?” 

So he shows up at the practice date with green bread, a baseball mitt, like. [laughs] That's like, so much going on, and I'm like looking at it like, “Oh, this is so sweet and so funny because of course he would bring a freaking baseball mitt because he thinks that Yang would have a good time. This is adorable.” 

And then the end, when Phojai gets kidnapped—follow us, girlies. Phojai gets kidnapped because Phumjai is paying off this debt—there's a little mafia shit going down in the end. But Phojai gets kidnapped for, like, months, and then when they finally pay off the kidnappers and they've released Phojai, you discover that Phojai has actually been kind of running the shit in the mafia for the last two months! [laughs] He’s become, like, a trusted lieutenant. 

Of course you took over, because you are an elder sibling. This is what you do. You got them organized. You made them respect you. I respect that as an elder sibling myself. I was just like, “That's exactly what I would do.” It was so funny. I enjoyed it entirely all the way through. I did not mind Daou’s wig. 

Shan 

Thank you! Can we talk about the wig? This is very important to me. 

[NiNi laughs]

Ben 

No, because first I have to get very serious about how good the show actually was. We will undercut the seriousness of which I will talk about how good the show was with you talking about how terrible Daou’s wig was. 

[NiNi laughs]

So, for those of you who listen to The Conversation podcast, you know that NiNi and I don't always see eye-to-eye when it comes to really huge power dynamic differentials between characters. This show is one of the very rare examples of a workplace set show where the workplace mattered and also the leads were equal to each other. One of the caveats of Thai economic politics is that foreigners cannot hold majority stake ownership in a Thai corporation. So despite Yang's wealth that he brings to the table and determination to open up a store in Thailand, he cannot have majority stake. 

Phumjai, who doesn't bring any money to the table, brings the fact that he is a Thai national to the table. So the two of them have equal ownership in the store—Phumjai slightly has more. We think Phumjai might be a bumbling idiot, but when asked to hire people because Yang, even though he has business sense, he doesn't know anyone. Phumjai actually hires competent people to help out in the store. Yeah, sure, he hired a bunch of femmes, but he hired really competent people to work in their store, and was actively engaged with trying to make the store successful. He was doing rapid iteration of various marketing strategies to try to get customers to engage with their store. He doesn't use the formal language that Yang does, but he is trying his best, and bringing even his own little money he has to try and make the store’s opening as successful as possible. 

His interest in Tammy is also grounded in something real. We thought he was just lusting after an idol, but he had had a weird meet-cute with her when she had visited Thailand as a tourist. She asked him just to show her around because she was a little bit lost, and he basically went on a date with Tammy when she first came to Thailand. So his crush on her wasn't grounded on just the persona she presents in her show as an idol. He had had a genuine interaction with her and connection with her. And when he finally approaches her properly, Tammy is also receptive to his advances. Sure, they get complicated by the fact that this is a BL and she's a girl—she can't win. But she also takes that in stride. She is a character that is not dismissed along the way despite being a girl in a BL. 

This show was legitimately so good at managing its character dynamics and how the characters played with each other. The growth between Yang and Phumjai together and personally was really well handled. This show struggles a little bit on the back end by getting a little bit silly with Yang's debt and the [sigh] mafia shit, but legitimately, this is one of the better shows that aired this year. 

Now let's talk about Daou's wig. 

Shan

Thank you! I've been holding it in so bravely. 

[NiNi laughs]

Shan 

Listen, listen! This is about respect. I need to pay respect to Daou, because that man had to wear this monstrosity of a bowl cut on his head. This horrible wig. The sideburns looked so fake. Every time you got a slight angle on the wig, you could tell that it was just a mop sitting on his head. Somehow he managed to deliver some of the hottest scenes of the entire year while he had that wig on his head. And you know, I just think that that deserves recognition. 

Ben 

Let's talk about the hottest scene of the year. 

[NiNi laughs] 

These people recognized that this was a show set in a convenience store—

Shan

Mmhmm.

Ben

—and they said, “Offroad and Daou,” and they were like, “Yeah, what's up?” “We need you guys to knock down these fucking shelves in this fucking convenience store, banging it out, because it's definitely a kink thing for Yang.” And they said, “Bet.” 

Shan 

In front of the security camera!

Ben 

Yang absolutely has that footage saved somewhere. 

Shan 

[laughs] 100% he does. 

Ben 

I had an absolute blast with this show. This was legitimately one of my favorite shows of the year. 

NiNi 

I must concur, and I actually scored it a 10. 

Ben 

Holy shit.

NiNi 

And the reason I scored it at 10 was that at the end they turned the store into a workers cooperative. So that gets 10 for me. 

Shan 

Bonus points from NiNi. [Shan and NiNi laugh]

Ben 

All right, Shan, let's give it the real drama rankings. 

Shan

I gave it an 8. I loved the show. I had a great time with it. Is undeniably messy, and the writing really went off the rails in the final couple episodes, and I can't pretend that that didn't happen. But I really loved it. 

Ben 

I gave the show an 8.5. The writing does unfortunately get a little bit messy towards the end. They didn't really know how to do the epilogue episode as cleanly as some of the more experienced teams do. But that's me being, like, fair from the drama ranking scale. In my heart, this show is a 9. 

[Ben and Shan laugh]

This show was really good! It was a lot of fun to watch. People should go watch this show. It's a lot of fun. 

NiNi 

I am calling producer privilege to give the show a 9 from The Conversation. 

Ben 

I'm okay with it. 

Shan 

I'm good with it. 

NiNi 

We have an accord. Love in Translation gets a 9 from The Conversation. Daou and Offroad, thank you so much. 

Ben 

If you are a fan of BL, but you say you've gotten burned out on all of the school-based stuff, this is probably one of the better workplace shows. 

But, at least you know, that a windmill… 

[all laugh]

All right!

NiNi 

Moving on.

00:41:14 - I Cannot Reach You

NiNi

Our next show—we have officially reached the Japanese portion.

Ben

Bangers Only section of this episode!

NiNi

The first show that we're going to talk about is an absolute banger: I Cannot Reach You. Ben, what is I Cannot Reach You about?

Ben

Oh, Shan gets this one. 

NiNi

Shan!

Ben

Oh yeah!

NiNi

What is I Cannot Reach You about?

Shan

I Cannot Reach You Is a friends-to-lovers BL about two childhood friends who are in high school together, one of whom is a long-suffering pining gay boy, and one who is kind of an oblivious little chaos muffin. These character types might sound familiar to you, they are very common in Japanese BL. But what makes this story feel a little different is that it really sets out to deal with the deep angst that really comes in when you take friends to lovers seriously. 

This is not a fluffy show, even though it is light throughout, they're really digging into the pain of being in love with your friend, the confusion of feeling your feelings for your friend start to change, the shock that can come along with it. Kakeru, who is the main character here, learns in episode one that his longtime best friend Yamato is in love with him, and this whole show is about his journey to accept and understand that, and then also figure out how he feels about it and how he might be open to their relationship changing. 

It is, bar none, the best friends-to-lovers drama that I've ever seen in the BL genre. It is one of my absolute favorites of the year and on a short list of perfect shows that we got this year in BL.

Ben

NiNi?

NiNi

Well, damn. I love this unreservedly. I have, seriously, no notes. Actually, I have one note and the note that I wrote—I'm just gonna read it verbatim: I Cannot Reach You, to all of Japan, “Hey, guys, I'd like to introduce you all to this wonderful concept called talking. Please look at this adorable story about how talking can make your life better, and even help you find love.” [laughs] And that's my only note on I Cannot Reach You. 

I agree with Shan. I think it's a perfect show. It's so cute. It's so deeply felt. It is so centrally angsty. It had me deep in my feelings in a way that I have not really felt since His - I Didn't Think I Would Fall in Love, which is another Japanese banger that I love. It's a great show, easy to catch up on. It's not very long. It is so perfect. It's perfectly balanced, perfectly paced, perfectly written, perfectly acted. I love it, unreservedly.

Ben

This was probably one of the best shows that I have ever watched in all of BL. Very few BLs actually properly capture the experience of being closeted as a kid in a way that is not triggering. I was closeted—we talked about this on the show. It sucks. Ohara Yamato was in love with his friend Ashiya Kakeru, and he did not make his attraction to Kakeru something that Kakeru had to deal with. It's other people, who are so irritated watching the two of them interact, who intervene and sort of force them to deal with this issue between them. 

But here's the big thing. We can yell all day long about how characters should talk to each other and all this other stuff, and how communication is really important in romance and all these sorts of things. This is very true, but the thing is: when you're queer and you know the consequences of being publicly queer in this horrible, racist, homophobic hellscape, you don't want to force that on your friend. That's the crux of friends-to-lovers angst that is so critical. 

Yamato really does love Kakeru, and he doesn't want to force Kakeru to deal with being queer. They don't say it directly, but that is a huge part of the hang up here. That is so perfectly captured in a way that is not triggering. It is so hard to be gay and alone when you're a teenager. There is a real complex restraint that grips you when you're 17 and gay and struggling, and in love with your best friend, where you don't want to be alone, and you really want to be with your friend. But being gay hurts, and you don't want to be responsible for inflicting that hurt on them, that I connected to directly in Yamato, that is portrayed so, so well by Maeda Kentaro. 

And this show doesn't just do the whole “I love you” thing and then they make out or whatever. Like, “I liked you the whole time!” We watch Kakeru deal with the reality that he has to reframe his own relationship with one of his closest childhood friends. And he ends up finding attraction in himself as well, and he goes through the difficult process of that. That is not a switch that turns on. It's like, “Oh, shit, I guess I'm gay now because your desire for me is so strong.” What this show gets correct is, when you have a friends-to-lovers story, there's the drama of, “This relationship is really important to me, and most romances fail. Do I want to lose one of my critical relationships that underpins my understanding of who I am as myself for booty?” The answer in a lot of cases is no. That's a scary threshold to cross—your bestie is not your partner. 

He considers what this means for their friendship and their relationship, and how there is a genuine need to respond to someone's feelings. That, even if he is your best friend, the way that he's felt like this about you for a long time means you can't just pretend that that wasn't there the whole time. Just because you were wrong about what you were perceiving in your friend doesn't mean you can just bottle it up and walk that shit back. It's so expertly handled in a way that is adorable. 

Like both of you describe the show as cute, and that's sort of the point. This show managed to make some of the most difficult things about coming of age and being queer kind of palatable, and adorable, and really interesting to engage with. And it's so well done, the way that these boys play out the complexities here. 

And then we get to Episode 6, and Shan will remember when Episode 6 aired, because I almost called her on her personal phone line after I finished Episode 6. 

[NiNi and Shan laugh]

Shan

He was like, “sound the alarm, holy shit!” [laughs]

[NiNi laughs]

Ben

I was like, “Shan, There's a BL emergency! Get home quick!”

Shan

I was waiting to watch it until we had all the episodes and he was like, “Nope, no more waiting! Get on it right now!”

Ben

Episode 6 is probably the best single episode of BL of the whole year. Kakeru has a lot of self doubt as part of his character—really well executed—and he expresses that he can't understand why Yamato might like him, and Yamato gets angry about this, and is like, “Don't you know what you're worth?” and he throws Kakeru on the bed and has this moment where he crosses the line with him. And you can see possibly years of restraint breaking, and he kind of scares Kakeru. When he gets his senses back, he scares himself and flees, and has this whole breakdown where he despairs about this. This is so perfectly executed because that's how it feels when you're in the closet and you make a mistake and reveal yourself.

Shan

What's wild is that, that's just the end scene of episode 6. Episode 6 does so much shit even before that. This is the episode where Kakeru and Yamato have this conversation on the roof, where Yamato confesses. At this point they both kind of know what's going on, but Yamato comes right out and says, “This is how I feel. This is what's going on.” And then he does the classic BL thing of immediately after confessing, he tries to walk away because he doesn't wanna stick around to be rejected. 

And, something amazing happens in that scene, which is that Kakeru is like, “Hey, bitch, get back over here! You gotta listen to what I have to say now. You don't get to just confess and then run away.” And I was, like, fist pumping when that happened because it was, first of all, just a brilliant subversion of a classic trope. And he says, “I wasn't gonna reject you. I am still kind of processing this. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, but I want to think about it. You're important to me.” And I just love that. 

Like NiNi said earlier, “Wow, the power of talking to each other instead of just having your emotional outburst and then running away—actually trying to communicate.” And that's so much of what this show is about. The moments where these two characters are able to communicate with each other clearly and get their real feelings across, that is when they are able to make progress in their relationship, and there are lots of characters in the show who are reinforcing that along the way. 

Hosaka is probably the fan-favorite character. He's kind of the wise queer kid off to the side. He's got his little barrette in his hair. He's watching, he's perceiving, and he's really pushing—quite forcefully, actually [laughs]—the two lead characters to, like, talk to each other and get their shit together. 

My personal favorite side character is Yamato's sister: Mikoto. She is just this quiet presence who has always had her brother's number on this, and knows exactly what's going on, and really chooses her moments to show up and be a mirror to him of what she's seeing, what he's doing, and make him think, and even give him some courage. She even has a couple scenes where she does the same for Kakeru. She's a great sister character of a type that we don't get to see very much and I really appreciated her.

NiNi

This show’s a banger. There's no reason not to watch it. Watch the damn show.

Ben

This show also released the sexual tension in a way that J-BLs very rarely do, particularly not in this lane of J-BL.

Shan

And it did it beautifully. 

And I feel like we should talk a little bit about the visuals of this show. I'm not someone who normally even notices a lot of visual style. I’m a words person. I really am pretty dialogue-focused, and I don't usually notice a lot that's going on with the visual effects in the show, but this one used them so effectively that even I kind of keyed in.

Ben

So this show uses a bokeh effect, which is this thing where you play with the focus of the camera to make these blurry lights appear. This is very common in anime to show that a character is experiencing heightened emotion. Like the emotions are sparkling out of them, and the show color-coded the boys's visual effect to reflect when they were experiencing intense emotion. It’s very obvious to the audience when the moment turns for Kakeru. Yamato is bursting with emotion from the first goddamn episode, and when it starts to happen for Kakeru, we're finally—“Oh, finally, these bitches are both on the same page.” 

The other fun visual gag in the show is, very early on there’s this moment at, like, an arcade or whatever, where Yamato gets a stuffed animal for Kakeru, which is part of him thinking he wants to be with this girl. He ends up keeping the stuffed animal and the stuffed animal ends up becoming the audience stand in. So, like, whenever a moment happens between the boys, they cut to the stuffed animal whose arms they've moved to create a different expression—him either being, like, overwhelmed with kilig feelings about the boys being cute, or aghast feelings [laughs] about something untoward suddenly going on. It's a great running visual gag.

NiNi

This show is awesome. It gets at 10. What were you guys’ scores?

Shan

Perfect 10, baby!

Ben

For those of you who don't know, NiNi and I are far more loose with our 10s than Shan. Shan is a stingy bitch when it comes to 10s.

[Ben and Shan laugh]

Shan

Understatement. I have watched over 400 dramas. I have given out eleven 10s total, but this show is one of them.

Ben

I also gave this show a 10.

NiNi

Okay, so I Cannot Reach You gets a 10 from The Conversation and we are on to the next one.

00:54:43 - My Personal Weatherman

NiNi

The next show that we're going to talk about on this what is definitely going to be a monster episode is My Personal Weatherman. Who wants to take this one? Ben or Shan, who is telling us what My Personal Weatherman is about?

Shan

Ben’s definitely gotta do this one.

Ben

My Personal Weatherman is a very kinky BL where a local weather forecaster has a live-in boyfriend who is an erotic manga artist. They have a very Dom/sub, and they are not very good at talking to each other. They actually do say a lot to each other in this show. They just constantly misunderstand each other—very refreshing for Japan. Segasaki is the weatherman who provides for them. Yoh is the manga artist who is very much struggling. Yoh sees himself as kind of a slave—he doesn't really necessarily enjoy the sort of housewife role he's been placed into, and resents that they seem to only have sex when it [doesn’t] rains? 

He pretends like he doesn't want to have sex with Segasaki, but then he has a whole blow up because they end up in a sunny [rainy] season where it doesn't rain a lot and has a whole breakdown episode where he just masturbates furiously for a whole afternoon because they haven't had sex in a while. It's a very fun reveal that the reason why they don't have sex is because that's what Segasaki thought they needed to do, which has really good payoff in, like, the next episode or two later. 

This show was a little bit complicated to talk about and watch. This very obvious kink dynamics going on in this, but people who are more familiar with Japanese home dynamics say some of this is actually fairly normal for husband and wife dynamics. And the show ends a little bit abruptly, which is part of my consternation with it. I kind of liked a lot of what the show was doing. I unfortunately watch too much BTS stuff, and it was revealed that some of the things that were going on with Segasaki were kind of improvised by a Higuchi Kohei, who plays Segasaki, which I think muddles some of the messaging of the show. 

But before we get deeper into that sort of stuff, NiNi, I know I bullied you to watch the show, and Japanese BL is not always your forte—reactions and thoughts on this show?

NiNi

So you're right that they are communicating, they're just willfully misunderstanding each other. I found that incredibly frustrating. But I still like the show. I did. I did like the show. I think that the miscommunications that they're having, because they are talking and miscommunicating that way, I am less annoyed by the miscommunication. If they were just not talking, it would be like a completely different thing. 

And then I like the settings. I like the side characters. I like the main characters. I like that Yoh cannot cook and Segasaki loves to eat his food anyway. Yoh’s a terrible cook, like terrible, like— [laughs] it's so bad, and Segasaki literally eats everything that Yoh will make with a smile on his face because he loves him so much.

Shan

He ruined a curry. I don't even know how you do that.

Ben

That's really impressive. Curry’s so easy. His curry was crunchy! Gurl.

NiNi

I think the thing that I'm not sure comes across, but in your description of the show, is that they've been together for a while. This show stretches on a little bit. It shows how they ended up together?

Ben

One of the things we got clarification on is like their cohabitation is fairly recent. The offer was made when they were still students, but the cohabitation is recent.

Shan

Which we didn't find out until almost the end of the show.

NiNi

Segaki thinks that he's being clear with Yoh. Yoh, because of, I guess, self-esteem issues or whatever it is is completely misreading the very direct words I think that Segasaki is using, but Segasaki is also being direct, but not entirely clear. So it's not that it's easy to misunderstand, but you could see how misunderstandings could happen. Yoh is kind of withholding even if he's saying things. 

Segasaki is picking up a completely different kind of thing from what Yoh is saying, because he thinks that they're in a loving relationship, while Yoh thinks that they're in a weird master-servant dynamic. So, they're in a relationship. They're just, they're in two different relationships. And so they're talking past each other. 

Yoh doesn't understand why Segasaki won’t be certain affectionate ways with him, and the minute that it becomes that Yoh actually expresses that in a way that Segasaki understands, he completely changes the way that he behaves towards Yoh. And he does do that softness and affection and stuff with him because he didn't know that that was what Yoh wanted. He thought that what he was doing was what Yoh wanted. It's similar to how Yoh is reading Segasaki. 

I found it interesting. Frustrating, yes, I will not deny that I found it frustrating. But I found the way that they chose to deal with the miscommunication trope, which is a big trope that Japan uses—which is a lot of times why I have trouble with Japanese BL, because miscommunication frustrates the shit out of me—but I think that the way that it was used in this show was very clever, and I liked how they move past it. I think that how they moved past it was also very interesting. 

So yeah, I think the show was pretty good. I would score it highly.

Ben

Shan, thoughts on the show?

Shan

So [sigh], sometimes, in BL fandom, I think that we as an audience latch on to the idea of a show, and then kind of give a show credit for our idea of what it's doing instead of what it's actually doing. And this is one of those shows for me. It's not a fave. 

I liked a lot about the show—a lot of the things that NiNi just mentioned—I thought were interesting. Like, miscommunication trope is not my favorite, but it's hugely Japanese for cultural reasons, for language reasons, so I'm very used to it—and I've seen really good executions of it. This show, I feel, did not have the quality of writing that it needed to support the complexities of what it was trying to do with these characters. And that showed through a lot, there were a lot of cracks in this show. 

You kind of alluded to one earlier, Ben, about how there were—what I perceived while watching—there were some inconsistencies in characterization in Segasaki in particular. And we learned from the BTS that that actually probably was an actual inconsistency, because it wasn't in the writing, these differences in how he was appearing in these different time periods. It was something the actor was just trying out on his own, and they kind of just let him do that. 

There were lots of instances of dropped threads or missing context to understand the characters' reactions and things. I read some awesome gap filler, thoughts, explanations, and interpretations of what we could make of the characters behaving in certain ways. To use an old Internet term: that's called ‘fanwanking,’ and that is when the fans of a thing have to do a lot of extra work to figure it out and explain it because the show has not done that work itself. And that, for me, was kind of the bottom line with this show. It didn't do all of its work, and I think that a lot of us were so intrigued by the premise—were so into the visuals of the show, liked the pair, liked the characters enough, to fill in those gaps and still really enjoy it. But for me, the show didn't get to the level of quality that it was aspiring to, and it didn't quite work for me, in the end. 

On top of some of those gaps that I think were kind of there throughout the show. You said earlier, Ben, I think, that it ended abruptly. It's not just that it ended abruptly, it didn't finish its story. It felt very unfinished. To me it felt like an intentional grab for a season 2—a play to try to get the fans wanting more so that they could maybe get funding for a season 2? And hey, if that's what they're going for, power to them. I hope they get the money. I'd really like to see them finish the story. But, I would have liked more if they would have actually finished the story initially that they were trying to tell. This show for me, it tried some things. It was interesting. It was enjoyable to watch.

Ben

[laughs] She said, “Girl, you tried.”

Shan

It’s a little bit of a Girl, You Tried for me! I'm not gonna lie, it is!

Ben

Here's what I'll say. I don't think all of the pieces of the show work together as seamlessly as they wanted them to. However…I don't care. [laughs] 

I liked what the show is trying to do. I really liked the really messy relationship between them. I like that Drama Shower went with a show about two people who are trying to be together and failing miserably at it. I do like what the show was attempting to do. I find myself far more forgiving to the show because it was trying things that BL doesn't do very often. I also just really liked episode 4, where Man-san comes to their house.

Shan

Yes, let's talk about Man-san, best character in the show. [laughs]

Ben

It was one of my favorite moments of the year, the bit where she knocked at the door and Yoh panics, and Segasaki’s  like, “Oh so she’s here?” and he starts stretching. He's like, “Don’t worry.” Like he’s ready to fight this woman [NiNi laughs] who he believes that Yoh was having a secret romance with on the side, and then the door opens and—she's been a Segasaki stan for a while. And they have this really great comedic overlay of [laughs], “Oh my God. I'm at my idol's house.” And all he does is charm the shit out of her for the whole episode, and piss Yoh off because he thinks Segasaki's flirting with her. 

I had so much fun with this show. This is the closest I come to a vibes rating. I tend to be forgiving with shows that are trying things that are fresh in the genre—or at least underexplored. And so, we’re mostly rating this show on the fact that it executes high heat in a believable way, for the most part, and was generally a really watchable eight weeks. I had a lot of fun with this show.

Shan

Mmhmm. I hope they get their season 2. I wanna see them finish it.

NiNi

I ended up giving this an 8. I think it was pretty good. The parts that I liked I really liked, and the other parts were just kind of a meh for me. ‘Meh’ is always going to be worse than ‘bad,’ for me anyway, unless it's offensive. So it drags it down from what could have been a 9 to an 8 for me. 

Shan, how about you?

Shan

In a shocking twist, I gave it a higher score than NiNi. I gave it an 8.5. Maybe because I, like you, Ben, appreciated what it was trying to do and wanted to give it a little credit for that.

Ben

I gave My Personal Weatherman an 8.5. So it can get an 8 from The Conversation. It's fine.

NiNi

So My Personal Weatherman gets an 8 from The Conversation, and on we go.

01:07:01 - If It's With You

NiNi

Our next show that we're talking about is If It's With You.

Ben

Oh! We're back to bangers! Let's continue!

Shan 

I got it!

If It's With You is about Amane, a high school student who fucks… You want me to say more than that?

Ben

No. You are correct, bestie, and this show is perfect. 

[NiNi laughs]

This show opens up with a high schooler having ill-advised sex with an older character, who's about to move to the countryside with his grandma. And his last hookup is like, “It's been really fun tearing that ass up. But maybe, when you move to this little, small seaside town, you can have a normal high school romance.” And he scoffs at the notion of someone like him ever having a high school romance, but little does he know he's in a five-episode MBS BL, and that's exactly what's in store for him! 

And it's great! He moves to the little seaside town. He immediately runs into a really hot guy who's super sweet, falls for him, and it ends up being mutual.

Shan

I like that this show is a twist on the classic romance trope of goin’ to a little seaside town, meetin’ someone unexpected, fallin’ in love. Like, there's hardly a more classic romance trope—we've all seen it a million times. But what was nice about it is that we had this young character who was already kind of jaded, and just didn't think that love was something he was interested in. And we got to see him form a really genuine connection with somebody—that was initially based on thinking he was hot and wanting to fuck him. Yeah, Amane definitely wanted to have sex with Ryuji. He made it kind of clear. 

One of my favorite things the show did was Amane is not in the closet. He's not ashamed of who he is, and he made sure that Ryuji knew, first that he was gay, and second that he wanted to be physically involved with Ryuji. He told him that straight up, and kind of braced himself for rejection because, as we learned, he had been rejected for that in the past by other friends. And then we get to see Ryuji react to that, and process it, and be like, “Okay, that's cool. I don't know that I can really reciprocate that right now, but I want to keep hanging out. Is that alright with you?” What a cool response to that. What a way to be, Ryuji, I love that! And then we got to just see them build a relationship from there. It felt very genuine.

NiNi

Amane is one of my favorite types, which is a masking sad boy. He's a sad boy who is pretending to be happy, and pretending to not care. Basically, he's putting on this front of being carefree when he's actually a very sad, very hurt boy, and Ryuji clocks that immediately and tells him, “Yo, you don't gotta do all of that around me. It's fine if you’re sad.” At that point I was not only in love with the show, I was in love with Amane. 

In fact, my only critique of the show is, I think, at the very, very end it pulled its punch. But… basically, Amane is one of my favorite characters of the year, and there's so much about Ryuji, too. Ryuji is a kid who's lost his dad, and he works with his mom in the restaurant where his dad used to cook. Literally, his dad is the one who taught him to cook, and now he cooks in the restaurant, and sometimes he doesn't go to school because he has to work in the restaurant, and his house is a little chaotic. But there's one corner where his dad's shrine is, which is spotless. 

Guys, if I start thinking about this show too much, I'm actually gonna cry. I think the show touched me somewhere very deep, and it's a thing that I'm still thinking about, even if, as I said, I think it pulled its punches a little bit at the end, it stayed with me. Also, some of the greatest set design. Y’all know I love Japanese set design. It's a fantastic example of set design.

Ben

Continuing the conversation we had with I Cannot Reach You about how it's very difficult to be gay when you're young. Amane tried to have the youth thing that Heartstopper indicates that we could potentially have, and Amane is crushed for it—the way many of us are crushed—accidentally! The best thing about the way Amane gets crushed is that his friend crushes him without realizing he did—excellent gay angst. Top tier. I feel the old wounds festering. It's great. 

NiNi

[laughs] Why are you like this?

Ben

[laughs]

So Amane is not well, and he's doing what many of us do: he skips it. Gay people who are closeted do not get to have high school romances. We don't get used to people perceiving us and what it means to be a couple. We skip so much of this, and then you become an adult, and these anonymous hookups—that are not very meaningful—and they can feel weird, because you're trying to be vulnerable with someone, and they don't want that. And it sucks to try and have intimate moments with other gay people that feel like transactions. It makes you feel cheap about yourself, and Amane understood that. And he's gorgeous. He's a funny, thoughtful, heartfelt little boy, and he already thinks he is just someone else for other people to hook up with.

Shan

I just want to say NiNi’s right that they pulled their punch at the end, and it's why this show isn't perfect for me. I loved it a lot, but the show started, as we’ve mentioned, with a character for whom sexual intimacy—sexual desire—was a big part of just how he lived, how he thought of himself, what he liked to do. And I don't like it when shows explicitly or implicitly imply that serious relationships, true love, do not have a sexual component. That sex is something salacious and dirty, and that love is something pure. And I think, because the show pulled its punches at the end here on the sexual relationship between Amane and Ryuji, I think that's a little bit of the implicit message that they put out there. And I don't love that. So I do have to ding them for that. They didn't finish strong.

Ben

I do agree in that regard and it was very unfortunate for this show that I Cannot Reach You finished, like, two weeks later. [laughs]

Shan

It really didn't help this show that I Cannot Reach You came up on its tail and did it better.

Ben

I really like the show. I really like the way that it set up a very initial premise of “maybe you should try a real romance, kid.” Like, you're still a kid. You can still have a good romance. It doesn't matter that you failed once: A great message to all the little gays out there, old and young. You can still have worthwhile romance. Shiro got to have a great relationship with Kenji at like 47!

Shan

There it is! I've been waiting for it! It's amazing! You made it two hours without it. Two whole hours before you did it.

Ben

I was trying so hard, bestie. I really was. I was really trying not to mention What Did You Eat Yesterday? in this episode. [laughs]

NiNi

I knew once we hit Japanese BL, it was only a matter of time.

Ben

I was trying so hard, y’all. Like, they were talking about the way this man couldn't cook, and I was like, “Ooh, I can't mention What Did You Eat Yesterday?” 

[Ben and Shan laugh]

Y’all got me so conscious about my favorite show! They dragged me, y'all! They ate me up! They tore me to pieces! 

But seriously, in terms of, like, messaging, I agree. They muddled it a little bit, but I really like Amane's arc. 

It's good! One of my favorites of the year. Let's go around the room. Ratings! NiNi?

NiNi

I give it a 10.

Ben

Shan?

Shan

I gave it a 9.5.

Ben

I also gave it a 9.5. I think it is a Conversation 9.5 because we all agree that it muddled the waters on Amane’s relationship with sex as it pertains to Ryuji.

NiNi

I concur. So, it's a 9.5 from The Conversation for If It's With You.

01:15:38 - Absolute Zero

NiNi

And now we are into the shit. [laughs]

Ben

Oh, oh shit! Oh fuck! It's two hours into this! I have almost finished my daiquiri. I am drunk. 

[NiNi laughs]

Let's talk about Absolute Zero!

NiNi

You're gonna get exactly three minutes on Absolute Zero, okay?

Ben

Oh, sure, that's all I need.

NiNi

I'm not letting you get into another New Siwaj thing. [laughs] Should be easy, because I didn't watch it, and Shan and Ben did not finish it. Ben, tell us what Absolute Zero is about.

Ben

Absolute Zero is a time travel BL in which a gay man in his 30s… No, he's technically 26. Oh my God. A 26 year-old gay man! His partner, who he lives with, has an accident. He's in a coma. He's having a bad time. And then a magic taxi takes him to the past, and then he does nothing for six episodes except date the younger version [laughs] of his boyfriend, and confuse the fuck out of them. And then apparently a bunch of time travel nonsense happens after this, and I had to be forcibly dragged off of this show [Shan laughs] because the clowns were worried for me. 

We don't need to talk about the show. Shan, you don't need to talk about it? NiNi, you don’t need to talk about it. I'm gonna look directly into the camera. 

[NiNi laughs]

New Siwaj, you had multiple opportunities this year to do something meaningful. I have had to sit here across from NiNi for over a year as Tee Bundit has put out three different shows, 2 and one half of which I thought flopped in one way or another. [Shan laughs] You had multiple opportunities to give me something useful to talk about with NiNi on this podcast, and you failed me, sir. 

This was your chance to do Until We Meet Again-style BL again, and you should have given us all something sad and melancholy to reflect over as a real good capstone of this year and you [starts yelling] fucking blew it for all of us! 

I cannot believe you, sir. You've wasted so much of our goddamn time. I cannot believe you embarrassed me on this podcast like this. 

[NiNi laughs]

Shan

New Siwaj is having whatever the opposite of a renaissance year is. 

NiNi

Ooh.

Ben

So bad. Like, you should have thrived under these circumstances. This is your bread and butter: caring way too much about little shit, but you didn't get any of the big shit right. This was a terrible experience. Literally, only two other people we know of finished your goddamn show.

Shan

And they hated it, every minute!

Ben

They had nothing positive to say about it. For over two months, this was horrible. What an absolute waste of genuinely good talent at every level of this production. Reportedly, everyone gave decent performances, and you wasted them on this empty drivel. What the fuck was this? You had four years of having the rights of the story. You had the actual writer of the novel on staff helping you write the goddamn script. And it was still this stupid empty mess, which apparently ends at none of it really occurring, but everyone having some sort of form of temporal PTSD? Like this was a 12 week Star Trek episode? What the absolute fuck was this?

[NiNi laughs]

Shan

I have nothing to add. 

NiNi

Hydrate, baby, hydrate.

Ben

Oh, girl you know I got my water right here. 

This show gets no rating from The Conversation. We DNF’d this show. We will never be going back to this show. 

I will allow the rest of you to offer additional commentary. Proceed.

NiNi

So, Ben, is this breakup gonna stick?

Shan

Yeah, right. 

Ben

We have talked about this girl. 

[NiNi laughs]

He's got a whole college BL with all of the B- and C-listers at GMMTV coming out in the spring. I gotta watch this fucking shithow, don't you worry. 

[Ben and NiNi laugh]

Shan

There never has been a break up, and there never will be a breakup. Let’s just be clear.

NiNi

They’re the couple that fights in the street, and then the next day they're all boo’d up. I hate you so much.

Ben

We are what they thought they were doing with Cher and Top in Only Friends.

Shan

Mew and Top.

NiNi

[laughs] I’m so mad that you called it Cher in Only Friends!

Ben

Oh, Mew and Top. Right, right, right, right, right, right. 

[NiNi laughs]

It gets a 0 from The Conversation!

Shan

An Absolute Zero.

NiNi

An Absolute Zero.

Ben

Oh man, I didn't make another windmill joke during If It's With You—If It's With You is about how— [laughs]

A windmill!

[laughs harder]

NiNi

I am so done with you. I am moving on. We are moving on.

01:21:05 - My Dear Gangster Oppa

NiNi

We're moving on to—I am just calling it ‘the main event.’

Ben

No, no, I'll do it, because you have to describe this one. You're gonna take this L, bestie.

[NiNi laughs]

On to our next show: My Dear Gangster Oppa. NiNi, tell us about [laughs] My Dear Gangster Oppa.

NiNi

My Dear Gangster Oppa is the B-movie’s B-movie. My Dear Gangster Oppa is a Thai BL based on a Korean webtoon that I have not read—because I never read these things—but I do know that it's based on a Korean webtoon, so I get a point for that. It is about the titular gangster oppa, Tew, and the titular dear, Guy. 

They meet playing some kind of mobile game virtually and they somehow become sort of close, or at least close enough that when the gaming team decides that they're going to meet in real life, all the other gamers are like, “Guy, you ask Oppa to come to the meet up, because he'll come if you ask him to.” Well, at that point they thought it was a her because Oppa plays with a female avatar because of reasons.

Ben

Naive assumptions.

NiNi

[laughs] The point of the matter is Oppa’s a gangster, like legit—guns, beatings, stabbings.

Ben

He has murdered people!

NiNi

He has absolutely killed people, and Guy is just a sad gay boy in love with his bestie since high school… 

I'm sorry guys, I'm doing a terrible job of describing the show.

Shan

It's not you, NiNi, it's the show!

Ben

I'll back you up. It starts off as a show about gamers, and two of them falling for each other, and then decides to become a shitty mafia BL.

NiNi

[gasps]

Shan

A boring mafia BL.

Ben

There it is. It becomes a boring mafia BL.

NiNi

Shan and Ben are stabbing me through the heart right now. I just want to let you, the listeners, know.

Ben

Well, how about you climb over the wall wearing your kneepads and drop onto—[Ben and NiNi laughs]—the mattress?

NiNi

That's why it's a B-movie’s B-movie, Ben!

Shan

No, listen. NO!

NiNi

Okay, the show had—the show had ideas.

Ben

Did it?

NiNi

It had ideas. Some of the ideas were really good. The execution of the show is terrible. Some of it is terrible. I—okay, it's all terrible by accident. Like none of this is done on purpose. Do not get me wrong. It is very, very bad.

Ben

They hired the most juiceless boys, and then pretended that they had juice. That was not good. Like if you had— 

Oof. I have my own read. Finish talking about your little show you had fun with before I cut it to pieces.

NiNi

This show is not good. It's not good. I am not defending it on any type of quality grounds. I just enjoyed the fuck out of it. That's all I'm saying. It was trash. You could see all the seams, as Ben has intimated. You can see the stuntee's knee pads and elbow pads. You can see them throwing themselves off of things and falling onto the barely-hidden mats. Oh my God, it's so bad. It's so bad that I laughed my ass off for eight weeks. I'm sorry, I had a good time.

Shan

Let me give NiNi some credit. I just binged this show this week, and I was genuinely having fun with it for the first half—the same vibe that NiNi’s talking about. Like I was, like, “This is hilariously bad, but it's kind of funny.” 

[laughs] We have to talk about the bright orange scar makeup. 

Ben

Do we?

Shan

Did they not have red or black in their makeup kits? They put these fucking neon orange scars on him [laughs], and it was the worst thing I've ever seen. But it’s like, that kind of shit is funny, it was a good time. But the show's biggest sin to me is not that it wasn't good. It was never going to be good. It's that it got so fucking boring, because it abandoned all the funny elements—the fun and silly and wacky things it was doing in the beginning with, like, the gamers—and treating the difference between them in some ways so seriously, and in some ways so deeply unseriously. That dichotomy was kind of fun. 

But then in the second-half of the show, it becomes all about this fucking mafia plot, and it was terrible. Like, it—it was terrible because it was so boring. The energy just sucked straight out of the screen every time I had to sit through these long ass scenes of Oppa talking to these different mafia guys about what they were mad about and why. I never gave a single shit. It was horrible. And that is why the show pissed me off, because it was fun, and then it decided to just be this dull nothing. 

This show, like Oppa, needed to quit the gangster life.

NiNi

[laughs] When I tell you, I actually screamed. Like, my sister had to come check on me.

Shan

It was all downhill from that line. That was the peak of the show.

NiNi

[laughs] How dare you? The show had a budget of $47.18 and it spent all of it on that scar prosthetic.

Ben

I watched this with Aiden, who you may have heard on the I Told Sunset About You episode. Aiden could not remember Tew’s name, and once he started wearing those horrible suspenders [laughs] Aiden just started calling him Urkel for the rest of our watches. 

NiNi

Now you see, that's fun.

Ben

Shan refused to learn his name and just called him ‘Oppa’ the whole time.

Shan

I stand by it.

NiNi

It's the B-movie’s B-movie. It's like B-exponential, like B-to-the-power-of-B. Okay, I'm sorry. I am that girl.

Ben

You heard many a Gay Rant from me over the last year. New rant unlocked for The Conversation: Gamer Rant.

NiNi

Oh, no.

Shan

Oh, boy.

Ben

We don't talk about this on the podcast, but I have a very long history of being very involved with a very specific video game. I have deep and meaningful relationships with other gamers. I was the best man at a gamer wedding where sixteen of us showed up. We were deep at that wedding—we had our own goddamn table. And I showed up as the only representative at a smaller wedding to make sure that one of us was present to witness the event. 

Gaming relationships are so important to me because when you're a weirdo and you don't fit in, It's easy to become close with people very quickly online because you're anonymous. They don't know anything about you. This show ends up abandoning all the interesting things about this weird collection of people who had found each other through this game, and decided to meet up together and extend that relationship into meatspace, to then become the weirdly worst mafia BL we've seen in a while, which was so twisted because the show clearly likes action film, and then embarrassed itself trying to mimic them. And clearly cared about violence, because Tew has a legitimately violent history that is handled with far more seriousness than even something like KinnPorsche did. 

There was so much that was way more interesting than being a shitty action schlock BL that this show could have been by starting with the gaming component, and it was legitimately infuriating for me to see this show use it as a cheap way to say these guys know each other, to then do nothing interesting with the mafia shit. 

I hate this show, so much. This is one of the worst shows we watched this season because this show could have been a fun action schlock B-movie if it was a fucking movie. But it asked for eight fucking weeks from me. I spent eight hours with this motherfucker—I had a lot of time to think about this shit. This show sucks way more than it even realizes that it sucks, and that's really the sad part about it all. This show is one of the worst [laughs] shows I watched in this season and I hate it.

NiNi

Shan, Ben is gamer offended, among other things.

Shan

I do think this show would have been a lot better if it was about the gamers instead of about the mafia.

Ben

There was a real opportunity for them to just only talk about their team stuff and for all of Tew’s gangster shit to be lore going on in the background, cause when you're hanging out with your homies online, their real lives are lore. Like, NiNi is in school. That means nothing to me.

[NiNi laughs]

“Is she gonna be present for this show? Oh, wait. No. She's gotta worry about, like, her real life stuff with her family or her school or our podcast. Well, shit, NiNi's busy. I guess I can't bug her to watch this tiny Taiwanese BL that I really like. It's not that important.” 

Shan does really cool shit in her real life. That means nothing to me! “Shan, are you available to watch this Japanese BL that I really like?” That's all I care about.

Shan

Always bestie, always.

Ben

That's the point. Gaming friendships—we don't really know what people do in their day-to-day lives. Like it would have been legitimately funny if Tew was, like, never lying about shit. Like, “Yeah, we just had a really weird stuff. Like, a guy came into the store. I had to, like, beat the shit out of four guys. I might have killed one of them. Whatever. We got rid of his body.” And they would be like, “Haha! Whatever! It’s time for practice.” If they had legitimately focused on whatever gaming shit they were concerned about and all of Tew’s mafia shit happened in the background as just fan fiction we all made-up, this would have been a fucking excellent show. 

But instead it was this disaster that ended up offending me way more than I expected it to. Fuck this show! 

On to Wahl, who was one of the characters I hate the most this year. Oh, I got words for that motherfucker. Don't think we're getting out of this recording without me going off about Wahl. Fuck that dude. I hate this dude so much. This character is not redeemable to me. Wahl only cares about Guy at the point at which Guy remains under his control. And the grossest thing this show did was have him accept that he can no longer control Guy, and then imply that he ends up with another guy at the end to perpetuate this cycle he has. He is so fucking vile. I hate him so fucking much.

Shan

I would just like to say that I concur on Wahl. That guy fucking sucks, and I hated him from maybe the second episode.

Ben

As soon as he did that stupid seal dance, I was like, “I hate this man!” [laughs]

Shan

You are done.

Ben

I'm like, “That's not even a whale, you stupid son of a bitch! Get outta here!”

Shan

He was a shitty friend, and as always, I got salty about him being forgiven without having to pay any consequences for his shitty behavior.

NiNi

We all agree that Wahl sucks. [laughs] We can agree on that. [laughs]

Ben

Does anyone have anything else to say about this terrible show before we move on?

NiNi

I am continuing to defend it. I will give it a 6.5.

Ben

Shan?

Shan

I gave it a 5.

Ben

I gave it a 4.

NiNi

So, Shan, by The Price is Right rules, you win [laughs] and the show gets a 5.

Shan

Feels right.

01:33:32 - Middleman's Love

NiNi

Moving on to our final show, and the one we all just finished today—well Ben and I finished. Shan watched the beginning and the end, which I think is a delightful way to watch this show.

Shan

I am very happy with my choices.

NiNi

So we all watched Middleman's Love. Yes, you might have heard me say on an earlier episode of this podcast that I would not be watching Middleman's Love. However, you should mind your business, because just because I said it doesn't mean it's happening.

Ben

I say I break up with New Siwaj every single season of the show. [NiNi and Shan laugh] It's whatever. We don't care.

NiNi

So I watched Middleman's Love, and I have actual real thoughts. But first we gotta tell the people what Middleman's Love is about. So, Ben, take it away.

Ben

Middleman's Love is a spin off from Bed Friend. Jade is a middle child and used to being overlooked by his family and his friends. They've got some interns at work. He doesn't realize that his intern has an enormous crush on him, and so is using his fudanshi eyes to try and hook him up with another intern, and slowly comes to realize the intern actually has legitimate feelings for him as we unpack Jade's own hang ups as it comes to love. 

While there are a lot of things I ended up enjoying, the show attempts to be comedic in a way that was really divisive and it ends up being kind of a mixed bag. Bed Friend is a really dramatic show, and while I don't think all of us currently here agree about how well Bed Friend did these things, Middleman's Love as a really comedic tonal shift doesn't always work because they're relying on Yim to be comedic as Jade in a way that makes you ask legitimately as Shan likes to say, “Why would anyone want to fuck this man?”

Shan

[laughs] Well, I did wonder why anyone would want to fuck this guy.

Ben

And that is honestly a legitimate question to ask early on in this. This ends up getting a little bit of Cheewin’s stuff—and I’ll let NiNi have that part—’cause she's much kinder to Cheewin about this than I am. But that's basically the gist of it. Jade is a middle child who's used to being overlooked and playing supporting role to other people who comes to realize that he can have love, too. 

NiNi, your thoughts on the show?

NiNi

That's it in a nutshell. I have a lot of thoughts on this show because it helped me clarify a lot of things about Cheewin. 

Now I get to say some lore and some BTS stuff because I know things too, Ben. This was originally cast with Jimmy and Tommy, with Tommy as Jade and Jimmy as Mai.

Ben

That would have been way better. [laughs] That would have been way better!

NiNi

Hold on. Hold on. Let me finish. While I think that Tommy would have made a better Jade, I actually prefer Tutor’s Mai to what we probably might have gotten out of Jimmy. 

I have a lot of Cheewin feelings about this show, because some of the things that I enjoy about Cheewin is that he likes to examine artifice and performance, and the things that we're hiding when we put on these big personas and personalities. And he explores that through a lot of sometimes-cringey humor, which I really like. It's the Secret Crush on You thing. It's certain parts of Make It Right. It's certain bits of Bed Friend? 

Basically, Cheewin likes to look at artifice and then puncture it. Cheewin likes to look at what makes people present weird and unpack that, and he likes to unpack that using sex because I think that Cheewin thinks—and I kind of agree—that sex is a revelatory experience. I suppose you can hide while you're having sex, but it's incredibly difficult, especially if you feel something for the person that you're having sex with. I personally find it interesting to watch that. 

I think that this show was miscalibrated, and not just in the acting or the tone. Unlike a lot of people, I actually do like cringe humor and some of the slapstick that we get in Thai comedy. I actually enjoy that stuff. It doesn't put me off. I think that the way that Cheewin uses humor in Middleman's Love is way better than how he used it in Bed Friend, and how he built it in Bed Friend. I think that the humor here, the comedy here, has done better. I think that Yim is not great at the comedy, and since Yim's character is the central character of Middleman's Love, it doesn't work. 

Plus, the story doesn't need eight episodes and Ben and I often talk about when something's too long, because I like a long show—Ben does not. This story was eight episodes and I think it could have been done in four. I like parts of the show. I like some of the things that the show is trying to do. I think that it mostly does not succeed.

Ben

Shan, you watched the first episode. [laughs] You were horrified by bobble heads in the intro—

Shan

[moans] I still have nightmares.

Ben

—and the general cringey humor. And then you came back for the finale. How about you talk about your experience with this show?

Shan

Definitely accurate to say that I bounced hard off this show after watching the first episode, and I definitely wasn't alone in that. In talking to other people we know who are watching it, a lot of folks had that reaction. 

NiNi has already touched on why—the humor was not quite calibrated correctly, and the performer who had to hold up the whole show wasn't really up to the task, unfortunately. That's just what happened here. And so, for some of us, I think getting through that super uncomfortable cringe humor with a performer who wasn't quite able to carry it was just really difficult. 

I struggled through the first episode. The bobbleheads really got me off on a terrible start. I hated those fucking things [laughs]—they still haunt me. And just throughout, I didn't really understand what I was supposed to be taking from the way Jade was being presented to me. He didn't feel like a real person. It was way too much. I didn't understand why this hot guy in the office was supposed to be looking at him with interest, given what we had seen of him. It just wasn't computing for me and I wasn't buying it. 

I didn't intend to fully drop the show, but then the following week I left on a long trip. And while I was gone, I missed the next three episodes. By the time I got back, I was just like, “You know what? No, I'm not taking this back up. I'm just gonna wait and see what you all told me after it finished.” And so, I kind of knew the show wasn't for me, but I wasn't opposed to the idea of it. I like an ugly duckling story. I like a story about someone finding their confidence and being able to accept that they are worthy of love. Like, that's a worthwhile story to tell. And so I'm not anti-The Middleman's Love. It just didn't quite work for me. 

The show finished this week. I decided to come back and watch the finale, just to kind of see where it landed, and [laughs] I actually think that was a great way to watch the show. If you, like me, are just not into the show's style and humor, you can watch the first episode and then you can watch the last episode, and you really won't miss any narrative beats—like it's super clear. The plot is very straightforward. You will be able to pick up in the last episode and understand everything important that has happened, and why the characters are where they are now. And you'll get to see Jade and Mai kind of settle into this relationship. 

And I thought that was nice. I enjoyed watching the finale. I liked getting to see a Jade who had seriously toned down some of the quirks of the first episode—a Jade, who seemed a little bit more confident—but still the same character. And I really enjoyed what they did with the physical intimacy in this episode. 

First of all, let me just give a cautionary note. If you are not watching this show on iQIYI, you are not seeing the whole show. I watched the finale on Gaga and got to the end and was like, “Where are these sex scenes that I heard about?”

Ben

The trust that Shan has in me [Shan laughs] she watched the whole show cut and was like, “Ben would never lie to me about sex scenes.”

Shan

You told me there were sex scenes in this!

Ben

“He used the Rihanna GIF. There is sex in the show.” [laughs]

Shan

And I will find it! So I did find it. [NiNi laughs] I went to iQIYI and I found it. So definitely watch it there. 

But I loved what they did with it because they really used the intimacy scenes well to convey these two settling into their relationship to convey Jade over time becoming more comfortable with their physical intimacy—finding his own power in it, finding his own agency in it. The performers did a great job on those scenes. I was incredibly impressed by it, impressed by the show's ability to take those characters from point A to B like that. 

If this show maybe wasn't entirely for you—if you, like me, dropped it in the beginning—I'd say maybe dip back in for the finale and enjoy a good time.

Ben

I like the idea of Jade a lot. I like the idea of a character who's had negative experiences feeling like he doesn't get priority from his family, ‘cause he's not the oldest and he's not the baby, not expecting a whole lot. And I like the idea of Jade having two really fucking hot friends in King and Uea, and just getting used to people being more interested in them, so not really seeing himself as a priority. And then he had like one relationship where he was literally told, “You were so weird and disgusting that no one wants to be with you.” 

I kind of get it with Mai. It structurally works. Mai is very pretty. He's generally very good at his job. He's kind of charming, but not overwhelmingly so. He's just naturally very pretty and nice to people, and fairly amenable and good at what he does. And he's really into Jade because he thought Jade was really kind and competent the first time he saw him. The flavor of this could have been correct, but then, like, they added way too much sugar. It’s just not great as a result. 

It's frustrating because Cheewin's ideas, as they're exemplified through the characters created for this show in Gus and Tong—and what he does with Jade and Mail—work really well. But the show is unfortunately really inessential. The people who watched this show were coming from Bed Friend, and I don't feel like this show really plays well as a Bed Friend extension or side story sort of experience. I think a lot of people brought the wrong energy to this show, and it took us weeks of recalibration to find something meaningful in it. And I don't think it finishes strong, because while I appreciate Cheewin’s giving the gays an extended boyfriend epilogue, an hour of watching people just be kind of cute boyfriends with no real drama on the table is kind of boring to watch in a TV show? And there's way more drama in watching people try to be boyfriends and deal with the consequences of actually being together. 

There's a great moment where they talk about their past exes and what that means for them, what they're bringing to the current relationship. How they want to handle drama going forward. I thought that was really good. I thought the fact that Jade asked for sex was really good, and then he got it. I don't approve of Mai biting that man's motherfucking glasses—

NiNi 

[laughs] I approve!

Ben

—and then tossing them around.

Shan

Ben, he licked his glasses off! Licked! [NiNi laughs] It’s a very important detail! I don't want you to get it wrong!

NiNi

[laughs] Shan, I don't know about you but personally I approve.

Shan

I did approve. I was very into that!

Ben

I actually liked when Mail wore the glasses in the second sex scene we got.

NiNi

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shan

A lot of good glasses material in these scenes.

NiNi

Top-tier, absolutely no notes, no complaints there, none whatsoever.

Ben

This show was a lot of fun when it wanted to be. And when it wasn't, it kind of sucked. NiNi, you don't spend a lot of time in the pulps, but My Dear Gangster Oppa and Middleman's Love? This is what the pulps are like. There are things that are worth talking about, and then there are things that are not. These shows are almost always kind of bad, but there's kind of something interesting that won't happen in the big network shows.

NiNi

I have been convinced into pulps before. I have enjoyed pulps before. We have discussed this before. I am not opposed to a good pulp, but it's gotta be a good pulp. The flaws of these two shows aside, I had a really good time with them, and I found things not just to enjoy, but also to give me a little bit to think about. Not like a ton to think about, granted, but they give me stuff to think about in both of these shows. And, for me, that's why I landed up more or less in the same place with them. 

I gave Middleman's Love a 7. I think that's a perfectly reasonable score for it.

Ben

I gave this show a 6, not because I think it's bad or necessarily boring, but as I've explained with my rating system before, a 6 means the show is not offensive but I really truly think the only people who gain value from giving this show the eight hours-plus that it asks for is people who really give a shit about BL as a genre.

NiNi

Shan, what about you? How are you rating your short version BL cut?

Shan

I mean, obviously I didn't fully watch the show properly, so take it with a grain of salt, but this feels like a 6 show to me. That's what my heart is telling me it's a six.

NiNi

I will allow y'all to fully average down to 6.5 under protest.

Ben

That's not how math works, but okay.

NiNi

Listen, we gave up on math a long time ago on this show. Okay, just accept it and move on.

Ben

I think 6.5 is fair.

NiNi

If you like cringe comedy, I'm not saying that this show does cringe comedy as well as some other shows have done cringe comedy. And I bring up here Secret Crush on You because it's by the same creator, and it is some pinnacle cringe comedy—like some fantastic cringe comedy—that is just not replicated here. But if you like cringe comedy, there's something in here for you. If you like Thai-style slapstick, there's something in here for you. 

That's all I'll say about it.

01:49:07 - Final Thoughts and Girl, You Tried

Ben

On to the final event: Girl, You Tried Winter 2023.

NiNi

So the Fall shows, there were some that tried and succeeded. They don't count for this award. Bye-bye, two-out-of-three Japanese BLs that we just talked about. So, My Personal Weatherman is in contention for Girl, You Tried.

Ben

Oh, then it wins.

NiNi

[laughs] Let's see what else we have here. We have Kiseki, which didn't try. Shan, do you think that Kiseki tried?

Shan

No, it did not try to be a coherent show. It cannot get the Girl, You Tried.

Ben

Thank you, Shan.

NiNi

So Kiseki is out of contention. Dangerous Romance sucked. It's not in contention for anything. Love in Translation is too good to be in contention for Girl, You Tried—that goes. Absolute Zero? Pfft, forget about it. My Dear Gangster Oppa, it definitely tried something.

Shan

Did it?

NiNi

I think it did. 

Ben

Hmm.

NiNi

Ben really just unmuted just to go “Hmm” and go back on mute. Okay, fine. It's going into contention. And Middleman's Love. I think Middleman's Love did try, and I think that the execution of it was off. Not that it was necessarily bad, but that it was off. So if I had to put a Girl, You Tried contest together right now, it would be between My Personal Weatherman and Middleman's Love. 

So, Shan, for you, very important vote now. My Personal Weatherman versus Middleman's Love for Girl, You Tried.

Shan

Oh, this is a hard one, ‘cause I think of the Girl, You Tried designation as, like, being for a show that got really close to being what it wanted to be—like almost got the execution right and then kind of just missed the mark. So for me, I think I'm going to have to give that to My Personal Weatherman between these two shows. I think it did have ambitions, and I think it did know what it wanted to be with clarity, and it just fell a little short on the execution. Whereas, I think Middleman's Love was a little bit messier and didn't have as clear of a vision of what it was doing?

NiNi

Okay, that's one for My Personal Weatherman. Ben, I already know your answer, but come on. Explain it to the people.

Ben

Hello, people. 

[Ben and NiNi laugh]

So when we were first planning this episode, the Girl, You Tried debate was between My Dear Gangster Oppa and Middleman's Love, but I didn't realize how much I fucking hated My Dear Gangster Oppa until we got here and I was talking about it. And I was, like, “You know what, actually.” 

I would have given it to Middleman's Love because Cheewin was trying to do the things that he likes to do, but now that you put My Personal Weatherman in contention, I gotta give it to that one. I think My Personal Weatherman is trying things that are harder to do than Middleman's Love. I think the ideas of that show are way more cogent, and easier to access and have a conversation about with people than something like Middleman's Love.

NiNi

Okay, so for me, if I had to choose who attempted the higher degree of difficulty, it would be Middleman's Love. It's a high wire act. It's so easy to fall off. If I have to think about who got closer to their intentions, I would say it's My Personal Weatherman. 

Girl, You Tried has a criterion, which is a strong premise with some sort of flaw/failure in the execution. But it has also become somewhat of a personal Rorschach test for us as we go through the shows, and attempt to unpack what it is that we think they did well, what it is we think they did badly, what it is we enjoyed and didn't enjoy. And that enjoyment component does have something to do with how we end up on a Girl, You Tried. 

If they're tied right now based on those other criteria, and I have to think about what I personally enjoyed more, I would have to give it to Middleman's Love. 

Shan and Ben outvote me. Boohoo. I'm gonna go cry about it.

Ben

I don't want to walk away from this particular recording pretending like I don't like Middleman's Love. The spirit inside of it is worth acknowledging.

Shan

I think both of these shows are worthy of talking about as shows that tried to do somethin’. I think for me, My Personal Weatherman just gets a little bit closer there and it's doing a little bit more.

NiNi

I think that's a good place to leave it, so that's going to wrap us up on Tens and Chops, our first ever full grab bag episode. So this is Volume One, hopefully with many more to come. 

Next up, the VIIB Awards. I'm looking forward to that. I'm excited. 

Anyway, we out. Say “bye” to the people, Ben. 

Ben

Peace! 

NiNi

Shan, say “bye” to the people.

Shan

Bye, people.

[george-weasleys-girl]

North Star Series

Chapter 48 - For Now

Start here:

Summary: A night out. The rising darkness weighs heavy on Y/N's mind.

Warnings: mentions of kidnappings

~•~

A strange silence had settled over the shop. With the holiday season over, the bustling crowds that had once filled Weasley Wizard Wheezes had dwindled to only a handful of customers each day as fear tightened its grip on the magical community. Fred heaved a heavy sigh and locked the shop doors, his eyes scanning the missing person's posters that now covered the vacant storefront across the street and breathed a sigh of relief when one face in particular remained absent from the ever growing collection.

George patted his brother's shoulder but said nothing. He knew better than to broach the subject. Fred would talk about it when he was ready and not a moment before.

The older twin cleared his throat, shaking himself out of his reverie. "I can't believe we're closing so early. The sun hasn't even set."

"Yeah, I know..." George sighed. "It's getting crazy out there, though, with people vanishing into thin air every five minutes. Nobody wants to take the risk anymore. Especially at night."

"Good thing the mail orders are picking up," Fred commented as they ascended the stairs.

"Yeah," George agreed. "Not sure we could stay afloat otherwise."

~•~

Y/N glanced at the clock.

4:37.

Time to start wrapping it up for the day. The boys would be closing up soon, and they'd mentioned something earlier about wanting to go to The Leaky Cauldron for dinner tonight. A thrill of excitement trickled down her spine. It'd been nearly two months since her and George's wedding, and the only place she'd been was to the Burrow and occasionally to Gringotts with her husband.

Y/N sighed and gazed out the window at the desolate street below. Once a busy, bustling hub, Diagon Alley now stood dark and abandoned. Only the distant glow from the old pub broke through the bleak winter evening, calling out to her like a siren song. She needed a night out somewhere other than her husband's childhood home. And she knew the boys did too...

A sudden movement caught her eye, drawing her out of her thoughts and pulling her attention to some poor soul hurrying along, hunched over against the frigid winds and unseen figures that no doubt lurked in the shadows. She couldn't help but wonder who this lone person might be. Hardly anyone traveled alone these days unless they were a Death Eater. Y/N leaned forward, keeping her eyes trained on him. It was only when he slipped through the door into the light of the pub that she slumped back in her chair. Safe, she thought. For now.

~•~

People took what happiness they could get these days.

A pint of beer.

A hearty dinner.

The company of those they hold dearest.

Rather than The Leaky Cauldron, the trio ended up at little muggle restaurant a few blocks away. No magic, no whispers of kidnappings, no fearful glances every time the door opened. Just people enjoying an evening out.

With the warm haze of alcohol and good food strumming through her veins, Y/N could almost forget the maelstrom swirling around them.

Almost.

She gazed out the window, people watching and wishing they could be amongst those happy muggles whose minds weren't troubled by the prospect of Death Eaters and dark lords.

"What do you think, love?" George asked.

"Hmm?" Y/N turned to her husband, a questioning smile tinging her face.

"Fred's thinking we could buy Zonko's."

"Zonko's?" She repeated, looking at Fred. "In Hogsmede?"

"Of course," Fred laughed. "Where else? There was only the one last I checked."

"Oh - right... sorry. My mind was a million miles away," Y/N gave a sheepish grin. "So, um, yeah, that sounds good, except that most of our business is mail-order right now. Do you think you could turn a profit?"

"Well, it was always Hogwarts go-to place for joke and prank supplies," George explained. "And Ron wrote that students are really upset that it'd closed down. So, we'd be in high demand."

"Good point," Y/N replied thoughtfully. "The place was always packed when we went there."

"Yep, the money will just roll in," Fred added, taking a swig of beer.

"Ok then," Y/N smiled at George. "Go for it."

George grinned wide and slid his arm around her shoulders, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before turning his focus back to Fred.

Y/N snuggled into his warmth and let her gaze and her mind wander again.

~•~

"You were too quiet tonight," George asked that night as they spooned in bed. "Everything ok, love?"

"Yeah... mostly," Y/N sighed, turning to face her husband. "I had a really lovely time tonight. It was good to get out for a while. Especially out of the magical world, you know?"

George nodded. He did know. Weary of all the gloom and doom, he was the one to suggest venturing out into muggle London "for a change of scenery."

"And it did help," she continued. "For a little while, at least. But then I started watching the muggles all around us and saw how carefree and lighthearted they seemed. Then, I remembered earlier today watching some poor fellow hurrying down the alley to The Leaky Cauldron. He looked so small and afraid. No one should have to live like that, George. No one should have to live in fear."

George pulled her closer. "Are you afraid, love?"

"Sometimes," she gave a half shrug. "When I let my thoughts run wild. Mostly, I just try not to think about it."

"You know you're safe here, right?" He reassured her. "Fred and I have put enough wards on this place that it would fry a deatheater to a crisp if they tried anything. Probably fry Voldy himself."

Y/N chuckled at the thought. "Maybe Harry should spend his summers here instead of his aunt and uncle's."

"Maybe," George grinned before rolling onto his back and settling her head on his chest, his fingers caressing the back of her neck.

Y/N hummed at the sensation. The gentle massage and the sound of his steady heartbeat calmed her own as she melted into his embrace. He was right. They were safe here.

~•~

For now.

@milivanili99 @slytherclaw1978 @quackitysdrugdealer @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @ladylizzieofdarbyshire @fancy-pantaloons @samberriejams @totalwitch2 @aslanvez @mrsgweasley @morally-grey-obsessed @asuperconfusedgirl @hmisa11 @superduckmilkshake @junerprsh @wolfkill16 @kaysau2510 @planetkt @thankyouforanonymity @thatonepersonwhocantwrite @Smallsweetvanillabean @hanne-montana @greenapplegrass @yoursarahg @marvelgirlstories @ceehance @whotfskai @sierraluvzz @now-that-we-dontalk @moonatician @lillisummers

[loveforlandonorris]

🎤 Lando at the post-qualifying press conference in Suzuka:

(I'm very sorry for the delay in posting. The video is from F1Fever on YouTube)

Transcript:

Interviewer: Lando, coming to you now. Best of the rest today, just two tenths shy of pole. Did you expect to be that close coming into the session?

Lando: Closer, but probably not as close as we were today. It was close between many people, you know, us, Mercedes, Aston, Ferrari. They didn't seem to have quite the advantage as the last few weekends. So between eight cars, we knew it was going to be tricky. So to come out on top, behind the fastest two, I think is a good job by us, so I'm happy.

It was tricky to put in the good laps, but my two Q3 laps I was the happiest with, which is always a good bonus. And two tenths is not far away. I think if we kind of look back to where we were last year we were even further away, I think five tenths off of pole. And this is the first track we've come back to, which is where we had our upgrades last season. So I think it's our best comparison of how we've improved over the winter and we're quite a bit closer. So I think that's a very good sign.

Interviewer: You're quite a bit closer compared to the opening three races as well. Is that track specific or have you found something on the car this weekend?

Lando: The car's exactly the same.

Interviewer: What about the race then? What can you do about the two guys sat next to you?

Lando: I don't know, there's not a lot to do. You know, first lap, try and get a good start. Obviously last year I was side by side with Max into Turn 1. So hopefully trying to redo that. But it's tricky. They're quick. They complained about their race pace, but I don't think they've had a bad race in the last, four or five years, so I think they're going to be good tomorrow. Of course we've got a lot of pressure from behind so we have to keep an eye on the mirrors. But at the same time I want to go forward and I think we have pace to stay where we are, so that's my goal.

Interviewer: What about going forward though? Do you think this is your best chance in recent memory of at least beating one of them?

Lando: I'll say yes. It's so tricky. Sergio's doing a good job, so that's one much harder car to kind of keep up with. But we proved last year when we were further away from them that we could keep in touch and not be miles behind. So that will be our target for tomorrow.

But I think realistically, we're still too far away to challenge them. They're too quick for us. Yes, we are quicker in quali, but in the race, normally, they always pull away a bit more. So, I think we'll be realistic. I'm always realistic when I say it. So I think our competition's with the guys behind. And at the same time, I'll do my best to push forward.

Journalist Questions:

Q1 (Alex Kalinauckas – Autosport): A question to Lando, please. You said that the two laps in Q3 were your happiest of the session, but could you just explain the difference between the two, between Run 1 and Run 2? Thanks.

Lando: Kind of like they both said, Sergio and Max, as soon as you push that little bit more, you pay the price just that little bit. And it's such a fine line between over-pushing and under-pushing. So I was very happy with my first lap that I did, so Q2, Run 1. So I was happy to try a few more things to try and unlock something more. It was still a good lap. It was, what, eight hundredths or something off my first.

But just a couple little bits, mainly Sector 1, where I just try and push that little bit more. But as soon as I pushed that little bit more, I just lost the front tyres a bit. And so easy to go over the limit. So apart from that, I gained in some other corners. Clearly not enough to kind of make a two-tenth jump or something that I really needed. So, yeah, they're just both good laps, both pretty similar. Just one was better than the other.

Q2 (Luke Smith – The Athletic): The slightly cooler conditions compared to when we normally come here in September of each year. How has that changed things for you guys? Is it more favorable? How does that change your approach in the car?

Lando: I don't have much to add. It looks nicer, yes. I think it helps us a bit more, honestly. Our performance is better, so I'll take it. I wouldn't mind a bit of sun on my face. Checo is nice and tanned, and I've lost mine a little bit (smiles). I think it's helped us, so I would say it's better this way.

[sometimesibewriting]

Ferris Wheel Kiss

✨Summary: You, Uryu, and friends go to the amusement park in Karakura Town for a day of fun. But get separated on the Ferris Wheel, what will happen when you two are alone.

💙Long time no see. I originally intended to drop this one shot in the fall, but life got in the way. Very happy that this fits for winter as well somewhat. Dropping this on the first day of 2024, so HAPPY NEW YEAR. 🥳🥳

❌No warnings, tis the fluffiest of the fluff fics I have ever written.

📃Wordcount: 1398

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52761025

Rukia and Renji had gotten permission to visit the world of the living. Orihime being Orihime thought this was a good excuse to enjoy some end of fall activities—one of her many ideas being to go to an amusement park in Kurakura town.

Despite coming there as a group, you and Uryu walked behind the group you have come with.

"Doesn't it feel...like…” You began.

“Were third wheeling, yes, yes it does." He pushed up his glasses. "What was Chad's excuse for not coming?" You asked. “An emergency at work.”

“What type of emergency does a GYM have?!? You're a medical student even you came!”

"Well in my defense, the semester just ended. Therefore I was free to come." This didn’t do anything to curb your annoyance which Uryu just sighed at. You’ve been in a sour mood ever since everyone split off into their own pairs. Uryu has been trying to knock you out of it since it started but he was failing miserably.

Orihime walked up to the both of you. "We were thinking the next ride would be the Ferris Wheel. Unless you guys want to ride something else? We're open to suggestions." 

"We pretty much rode and played everything. The Ferris wheel is a good way to end the day." You smiled back at her. "I wanted to get hot chocolate at one of the stands. Maybe after." Uryu added.

"That sounds wonderful. I’ll tell the others that you guys like the idea.”  Orihime skipped back happily to the group, you went to follow after her but was stopped by Uryu. Causing you to turn around.  "What now?" You huffed.

“Aren’t you forgetting about something?” He asked nonchalantly. “I have my wallet, and you and the rest of the gang are here so no.” Uryu kept a straight face at your sarcastic remark. "Your fear of heights."

You waved a hand at him. “I’ll be fine.” He gave you a look, a look that said he knew you were lying.

"I don't understand why you don't tell them. Having acrophobia is nothing to be embarrassed about, it's common. Besides you almost passed out on the small roller coaster."

“But I didn't so…” Uryu tried to fight the urge to roll his eyes. “Besides, if I have you with me I’ll be fine.” He hid his face deeper in his scarf as his face warmed. “You cloud also just fake a sickness to get out of riding.” He suggested. 

You thought a moment, “Like I said, I will be fine.” He pushed up his glasses with a sigh. “It’s the easiest way out.” 

“Yes. But then you’ll stay behind with me and then people would think they were, ya know.” He raised an eyebrow at you. “Together.” 

"That's rich coming from someone who has been gossiping all day about the same thing.”

“I was not gossiping, just venting my frustrations on how this will affect our group dynamic going forward.” You put on your most straight face, all while Uryu shook his head. “Even if true, I think all our friendships would be fine…unless someone in the party has unrequired feelings.”

He looked in your direction. “Not me.”  

“Then you have nothing to worry about, let's go.”

___________________________________________________________

Everyone lined up to get on the Ferris wheel, it was late in the evening the temperature had dipped a little. You had your hands in front of you constantly fidgeting. 

Uryu grabbed your hand causing you to stop, he held your hand in his. “You’ll be fine, your with me remember?”

It was cheesy but it helped your unease. “Four people to each cart." You both turned as Ichigo read the sign aloud. "That's perfect. The girls can ride in one and we boys can ride in the other." Renji elbowed Ichigo in the side. "What was that for pineapple?!?"

"Cause you're not thinking.” Renji pulled Uryu away without warning, his hand slipping out of yours.

Orihime tilted her head as they walked off. "I wonder what they are discussing?" Rukia looked unimpressed. "Probably something stupid."

Renji kept his arms around the boys. "So what we were thinking..." He looked at Uryu. "There is no we." Renji ignored him. “Two girls and two boys in one car, and then one boy and one girl in the other.”

“You pulled us aside just to say that, when it was going that way anyway.” Uryu pushed up his glasses and began walking away. “I’ll take the single cart by the way.”

____________________________________________________________

You were led on by the staff, taking an inner seat, while sat Uryu in the outer seat. The ride started rocking slightly, you grabbed onto the bar gripping it too tight. Uryu put his hand over yours, the warmth from his gloved hand making you feel instantly better.

The higher the ride got the more anxious you became, trying your best to hide it from Uryu who caught on to it immediately. Soon you guys were halfway to the top. 

Your chest began to heave in and out, and your mind started to spin as it came to a stop again. If it wasn’t for your fear of heights it would have been a site to behold. The park looked gorgeous in the evening light.

It was then you felt something warm on your cheek, it being Uryu’s hand for the second time that night. He turned your face so that you were facing him. “I know it’s obvious, but it’s best not to look down, and if you do try not to think of falling…which I know is hard but….” He trailed off.

“So, the best way to get through this is to only look at you.” Uryu cleared his throat while his checks turned a faint pink. “No-ot necessarily you could look anywhere in the basket. Just not out the window.” He stuttered.

“I think looking at you is better.” You said casually. “Your just gonna stare at me the whole ride?” Uryu shifted awkwardly. “Not in silence though.”

“I doubt that.” He said glancing elsewhere. You looked down searching your brain for something to say, suddenly focusing back on his eyes. Tilting your head slightly, “Yah know, your eyes are pretty.”

All Uryu wanted was to curl up into a ball and disappear when you said that, yet he stayed calm, although his red face and ears told a different story.

“There’s no need to say all that.” He kicked himself for that response. “Is it cause you already know?” You continued the conversation. “I mean…I don’t think about my looks all that much.”

“Mm. That sucks cause your not that bad looking.” He raised an eyebrow, he knew he had looks somewhat. But he never entertained the idea of someone being attracted to him, especially you.

“You find me attractive?” He blurted out and you froze. Did you? He did look handsome in the outfit he came in today. But if you were being honest that was every day, he always knew how to dress so well. It also didn’t help how attentive he was to you in battle and real life. And you weren't lying when you said his eyes were pretty. You always thought that even as a teen. 

You looked back at him, his face red but serious. “Does this mean you're asking me out?” It was the first thing that came to your jumbled up brain. Uryu’s facial expression changed. “I was just asking a general question. I didn't mean for it to come off like that.”

The way not only his expression changed, but the every changing pitch in his voice had you thinking other wise.

“Your such a lair.”

“I don’t see how that was a lie.” He moved his hand from your cheek, the cold hit your cheek feeling unpleasant. “I do find you attractive, happy?” Without any warning you put both hands on each side of his cheeks.

You don't know what came over you. Maybe it was because you two were alone? Maybe it was because of the conversation you were having but you inched closer and closer to his lips, his eyelids slightly closing as you did. It didn’t take long for your lips to find his. Pulling away only after a few seconds.

What you didn’t expect was for Uryu to put his hand behind your neck and pull you in for a longer and deeper kiss. He pulled away after a few seconds leaving you painting, while he was stable. What kind of breath control does he have you wondered.

After a few moments of sitting in silence and staring at each other, the cart started moving as if on cue.

“I wasn't asking you to be fair, but I do wonder if we can we hang out alone more like this.”

"I wouldn't mind." 

That was all you said as the car came to a stop.

[w2soneshots]

Italian food -Zerkaa

words: 0.8k+

warnings: light smut.

summary: you and Josh go on a cute date night.

Liked by faithlouisak and 209,156 others

y/username: date night🤍

-comments-

zerkaa: 🔥🔥

taliamar: beautiful girly😍

-> y/username: ❤️

y/nfanpage21: you two are so cute!

user35996210: that pizza looks banging

Me and Josh met at school but didn't become anything, then years later we bumped into each other at a club, he asked for my number and the rest is history. We've been together for 5 years now and make time every two weeks for a date night, we're both very busy so making that time is very important. Each time we take turns for who organises the date, it doesn't have to be dinner it could be bowling, winter wonderland or a cute setup at our apartment.

Tonight it was Josh's turn, he chose a cute Italian restaurant that's located in a beautiful building with an amazing view of London. The booking is at 6 o'clock and he doesn't get back from his Sidemen shoot until 5 so I blasted music while I got ready. When he arrived home he quickly had a shower and got dressed. Then once we were both finished getting ready we got an uber to the restaurant.

"This place is beautiful" I said once we were inside the building. Josh smiled "I thought you'd like it". I just looked back at him with a cute smile then someone took us to our table. Once we were seated a waitress came and took our orders. "Ooo can I get the margarita pizza please" I said. "I'll have the same, thank you" Josh said. When we got to the restaurant it was still light outside, but once our food arrived it had turned dark and the large windows were filled with different coloured lights coming from other buildings, it looked beautiful.

"How did the shoot go?" I asked. "Good, hang on- let me show you a picture of the set" he said dropping his pizza and pulling his phone out to show me. "Oh my god that's sick" I said enthusiastically, today they filmed "the chase: sidemen addition 2" and this time they filmed it on the actual set. "Stephen was jokes as well" he said. "I can imagine" I said with a chuckle.

When we finished our pizza's we ordered some desserts. "Thank you" I said as the waitress placed my ice cream sundae down in front of me, Josh said the same when he got given his brownies. Once we finished we left the restaurant and got a taxi home. Josh kept his hand firmly on my thigh the entire journey. When we arrived outside our building we made our way inside and were soon inside our apartment. I kicked my heels off and dropped my bag, I sighed. "You look beautiful" Josh said quietly once I turned to look at him. I bit my lip slightly, wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into a kiss. His hands traveled from my waist, to my hips and finally stopped at the back of my thighs. "Jump" he whispered into the kiss, and I did.

I wrapped my legs around his body as he held me up, not breaking the kiss once. He slowly walked towards the bedroom and dropped me onto our bed. He reached forward in the dark room and pulled my jeans off, then he undressed himself leaving him in only his boxers. I pulled my shirt off and over my head also leaving me in just my black lace thong. His eyes turned slightly darker as he climbed on top of me. I smirked and he pulled me into a passionate kiss.

The next morning... I woke completely naked under the duvet, next to Josh who just had his boxers on. "Morning" I said rolling over so I was leaning my head on my arm. "How'd you sleep" he asked. I sighed "Better if I had gone to sleep earlier". "He laughed "thats the price you pay" he said. "It was worth it" I said with a cheeky wink. I slid out of the bed, pulled on my underwear and one of Josh's shirts then I walked through into the bathroom, brushed my hair into a ponytail, washed my face and brushed my teeth.

When I was done I walked back into the bedroom just to see an empty bed. I shuffled into the kitchen, "want some breakfast?" Josh asked, stood looking into the fridge. I smiled "yes please". I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his back, on my tip toes since he's so tall. He turned around and placed his hands on my waist. "I love you so much" he said staring into my eyes. I smiled slightly and a warm blush washed over my cheeks, "I love you too" I said and pulled him into a quick kiss.

[nevermindirah]

a gold-medal proposal in Paris

Transcript of NBC coverage of the 2024 Summer Olympics set two years after this Olympic meet-cute.

Kelly Clarkson While we're waiting for the next event to get started in the pool here at La Défense Arena let me take you to a mini ice rink in the stands where I've found two Olympians from the 2022 Winter Games in Beijing. Gold medalist Nile Freeman represented Team USA in speed skating, and Team France hockey player Sébastien le Livre who viewers may also recognize from the NHL, Stanley Cup winner with the Capitals and now playing for the Chicago Hockey Team. I hear congratulations are in order, you two!

Nile Freeman Hi, thank you!

Sébastien le Livre Yes, my fiancée does deserve another round of congratulations for her Olympic gold!

[Freeman beams.]

Clarkson Absolutely, and congratulations as well on your engagement! What a setting for it, what many consider the most romantic city in the world, and your home turf Sébastien.

le Livre Well, not quite — I'm proud to be from Marseille. But Paris is doing a wonderful job representing France to the world and I couldn't resist the magic of the opening ceremonies as a backdrop to ask this incredible woman to marry me.

Freeman After the Games we're spending a week in Marseille with Seb's family. This is my first time in France and it's been even more special than I imagined.

Clarkson You met two years ago at a very different Olympic Games. What was that like, connecting at such an unusual Olympics with strict covid protocols, and now experiencing all the crowds and the atmosphere here in Paris?

Freeman It's a little bittersweet sitting in a roaring crowd after our families couldn't be there with us in Beijing and there was so much stress with the pandemic, but the restrictions were necessary. They came with a silver lining, since it was easier to focus on competition, for me at least. We probably had more time to get to know each other than we might have if all of our loved ones had been there with us and if tourist destinations and that sort of thing had been open.

le Livre I wouldn't trade it for anything. [le Livre looks besottedly at his wife-to-be.] It's great fun to be at the Olympics on vacation, just a part of the crowds, not having to worry about preparing for the next event. The opening ceremonies were spectacular.

Freeman They were! That was all so cool, how they made the whole city feel like a stadium. The fashion show was my favorite, and the Assassin's Creed parkourist. [to le Livre] You weren't a little nervous though, with that ring burning a hole in your pocket?

le Livre No. You only make me nervous when you challenge me to a race, because you always win.

Clarkson Y'all are too cute! Maybe for your next race you could try swimming, see if that changes the rankings?

[Freeman playfully squints at le Livre, who shrugs with a smile.]

Clarkson Will we see you back on the ice in two years in Milan?

Freeman That's the plan!

Clarkson What are you most looking forward to here at the Summer Games?

le Livre The football, ah, soccer is high on my list, and just taking it all in with Nile.

Freeman Me too, babe. And I'm pumped to see my girl Simone Biles! This'll be my first time seeing her compete in person. She's such a badass and an inspiration.

Clarkson You and me both, girl! Simone Biles is married to NFL player Jonathan Owens of the Bears — sounds like a double date is in order once you get back home to Chicago.

Freeman Ha, sure, we're in!

Clarkson Thanks so much for talking to me! Enjoy your time here in Paris and congratulations again on your engagement and your accomplishments in both of your sports. Now back to you in the studio, Mike.

[Freeman and le Livre, holding hands, smile and wave to the camera.]

[toujokaname]

Card shuffle / Episode 4

Author: Akira

Characters: Hiiro, Niki, Kohaku, HiMERU

"Hehe. Maybe that's why Nii-san enjoys being with everyone from Crazy:B."

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[ Read on my site for a better viewing experience using Ois~su ♪ ]

Season: Winter

Location: Café Cinnamon

Hiiro: (What a relief!)

(I was worried about whether I could fill in for Nii-san, but it looks like they're warming up to me surprisingly well.)

(In fact, it's kind of eerie how much attention they're giving me—)

Niki: Now, go ahead and dig right in!

Kohaku-chan and HiMERU-kun, too, don't hesitate to eat and eat ♪ Wooow, cooking without worrying about the ingredient bill makes me so happy~!

Hiiro: Umu, thank you for the meal!

Kohaku: If there's anything ya don't like, just say so. Anything ya toss in Niki-han's mouth disappears on its own ♪

Niki: That's right! We gotta cherish our limited resources!

If stuff's gonna get thrown away, I'd rather eat it myself! I think people chuck out way too many edible things, like veggie peels!

HiMERU: —You seem to be in better spirits than usual due to Amagi's absence, Shiina.

Hiiro: Oh, sorry. I'd like you to stop referring to him as "Amagi," even if only temporarily, since it's a little confusing. After all, I'm an Amagi, too.

HiMERU: Aah, now that you mention it, that's right. Apologies, that was an oversight.

Well then, hmm. How about... Hiiro-san?

Hiiro: Umu, "san" isn't really necessary, though? Since I'm younger than you?

Kohaku: Ya know your manners, but we ain't sticklers for formality in Crazy:B.

Even Rinne-han, bein' the oldest and an adult already, we treat preeetty casually.

Hiiro: Hehe. Maybe that's why Nii-san enjoys being with everyone from Crazy:B.

In our hometown, he was mostly shunned out of respect.

Kohaku: ......

Hiiro: But more importantly, I have a few questions to ask over our meal... How much do you all know about this project?

As for me, I'm a bit lost with all the sudden strange things being said.

Niki: We're pretty much in the same boat~ *Munch munch* Yup, perfect amount of frying!

HiMERU: —HiMERU's nature is such that he has researched this matter to the best of his ability.

The official stance is that this project, Matrix, will be a large event to conclude the first year of ES's establishment.

Hiiro: Official stance?

HiMERU: In reality, their enthusiasm for it seems rather lacking.

Similar to a year-end special broadcast.

Hiiro: And that means?

HiMERU: Fufu. You're quite responsive and quick on the uptake... It's very enjoyable to talk with you, Hiiro-san. You seem to have a strong reaction to every word HiMERU says.

Shiina and the others, on the other hand, tend to inherently respond with confusion, no matter how enthusiastically HiMERU elaborates.

Kohaku: Haha, sorry 'bout that...

Niki: It's 'cause HiMERU-kun's words are usually pretty complicated...

It always feels like it's just Rinne-kun and HiMERU-kun having their own chat, while me and Kohaku-chan are left out.

HiMERU: Shiina's brain is like a sponge, so it can't be helped, but Oukawa shouldn't be in a position to be labeled as "just a rookie" anymore.

If you don't understand and respond well to complicated subjects, you'll be swallowed up by the stormy seas of adult society.

Kohaku: That's why I said sorry 'bout that...

Niki: I've heard that real smart people can explain stuff so even idiots get it!

HiMERU: Are you saying animals should be made to understand the Analects? Rather than intelligence, wouldn't that border on some kind of psychic power?

Hiiro: You're getting off-topic. Heheh, though it's nice to get a sense of how Crazy:B usually is.

HiMERU: Pardon. Let's steer the conversation back. —In short, now is the time when ES executives, including the P-Association, are planning new projects for the upcoming fiscal year, the second year of the company's existence.

Those with ambition and capability are likely engrossed in crafting the real special project to drive the company's second year forward.

And so, the person who wasn't invited to such a meaningful project was tasked with this—Matrix.

HiMERU: Being deceived by the flowery rhetoric of "a large event to close the first year of establishment!" only to be saddled with a low-budget fiasco akin to a collapsing billboard.

HiMERU deduced such behind-the-scenes details from the personnel movements within ES and the botched nature of this project.

[ ☆ ]

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[hummingbird-games]

Postmortem: #CrushedVN Edition

Okie doke y'all! It's been some time so I guess we're good to dissect this project!

(I almost didn't bother with writing this up, but at the end of the day I do the dev diaries and the random--game development related--posts for me to look back on and prove I'm learning. Getting better. Not regressing. So. Might as well move forward!)

Background/Inspiration

It's like if you took my late 2022 brain and threw it into a blender!! Most of these are self-explanatory (Boys Love media I adore with emphasis on early to late teen experiences.) Let me draw your attention to The Edge Of Seventeen: not sure how many times I've rewatched, but it makes me tear up every single time. Main character Nadine is awkward AF, still hasn't come to terms with the death of her father years prior, isn't on the best terms with her mom or her older brother, and even ends up on rocky terms with her best friend too!! Anyway, that feeling of being young, and a little angry and a little sad and not feeling quite right on the inside but eventually reaching a place where things fiiiiiinally start to work out...it's just a sliver of what I wanted to capture and infuse into Crushed.

Listen y'all, I just pulled and pulled and pulled from real life experiences. I was inspired by authors Julian Winters, Leah Johnson, and Jay Coles' works (all Young Adult authors LOL! Fitting since I seem to be creating things for the teens at this juncture in my life). This all provided the base for Corey and his inner world. Also, I've been wanting to create a bookworm character...no time like the present right???

As for deciding to specifically create a boys' love visual novel of all things?? First, y'all must understand that I fought the original idea and anything related to it. This was coming off the heels of me suddenly seeing (another) wave of players throwing fits about indie games forcing you to play as a femme character. First off, no one is forcing you to do anything. Secondly, we are still at a point in video games where the majority of characters you play as are male. Forgive some of us for wanting a little variety 😑Thirdly, for those looking for games where there's even more inclusivity (choosing pronouns, playing as nonbinary/trans, and etc) I really wish that players would seek out those games that ARE being made and support them so the developers don't lose steam and drop their projects. It's so disheartening to make something that's meant to be consumed and BOOM, silence.

Anyway, all of that to say that as a developer herself who's tired of watching girls' media be regulated as Less Than, made fun of, and just overall disrespected, I wasn't interested in making any games that didn't center a female character. But back to my main point!!!

I had Heartstopper, the webtoon, infecting my brain. I was so not immune to falling in love with Nick and Charlie like everybody else. But then I was hit for the 34573847th time that I was engaging with white queer media. And I knew that if Nick and Charlie were Black Brits, they wouldn't be getting half the attention they are now. Even less if the boys were girls and we had a sapphic relationship on our hands. (But that sapphic story from Hummingbird Games is still brewing, and Corey and Jacob's story was ready first.)

Also....the biphobia is real. It's insidious. I could write a whole book about how the straights and the gays need to get their shit together. I could then write a sequel about how the Black community can be some of the worst offenders when it comes to our Bi Fam and say some of the most ignorant and devastating things. But I had limited time on my hands and decided to write a short VN instead. Once I let Corey just be, exist as the person he is, everything fell into place.

Things That Went Right...

I took a very niche, very Specific To Me, very nestled in the space between my heart and my brain and wrote a script just so I could be a part of a game jam specifically highlighting and supporting the work of Black game developers.

And I submitted the bitch on time.

I'm always down for anxiety rep!!! As a fellow anxiety haver, I say the more visibility the better!!! At the same time, it's not a one size fits all, and there were some things I dealt with that I'd never seen depicted and I figured I might as well be true to my experiences. Maybe someone would take solace in Corey the way I've taken solace in other characters for reflecting my lived experiences.

I tried new things I was scared of or didn't have time for with HSD or didn't feel confident enough to sit and learn previously: partial voice acting (and holding auditions to incorporate more), a text message system (which wasn't my own but part of learning to code for me means being able to take what others have done and replicate and/or use it myself), and implementing music and sound effects with intention. I've done it with film, but games are a close cousin in a lot of ways. A LOT of ways. I should remember that.

I still didn't do too well in the marketing department but for this game, it didn't feel like a failure. I also didn't really try. Oops. I've got to do better. I went into Crushed knowing it wouldn't have half the audience HSD does, and yet the feedback I've received for Crushed has made me want to break down into tears of relief.

I launched the game around 10 something at night my time and proceeded to be sick with anxiety for about 3 days. For three whole days I legit felt like I was going to die. And then I wanted to laugh because didn't I just make a game to express a version of the human condition?

Things That Were Different...

HSD showed off my skills when it comes to intensive planning and sticking mostly to that plan. Crushed was a jam entry that became more extensive over time and found me flying off the seat of my pants.

I also had less (aha, zero???) budget this time around. Because again. Jam entry. It wasn't supposed to be a Big Affair. But now that it's over and out to you guys, I'm not mad. You could say that it all worked out.

If I Could Go Back, I Would...

For one, I would have smacked the voice in my head that said "let's add more voice acting now". I love the feature, but there's no reason why I couldn't have done auditions after release. I was impatient and restless waiting for art assets, and my idleness led me to take on more things just to not feel useless. I Have Learned My Lesson, thanks.

I Had The Pleasure of Learning...

There will always be an obstacle in the way of game development. (And sometimes your body will be your own worst enemy, yuck.)

I don't know who my audience is (yet) for HBG but I'm always a part of it. And that's not a bad thing. If I hadn't felt so strongly about Crushed or even HSD, neither project would have happened because I would have given up a long time ago.

To the Future...

Empasis on future, but the world of Crushed isn't exhausted. It lives in the bigger universe of HSD:JY but took on a life of its own. So it's no surprise that Corey and his friends became even more precious to me. Not that I know when I'll be able to work on it, but right after finishing and publishing the demo, I outlined a rough draft for a kinetic novel sequel told through Jacob's POV. In my head, Corey's story was always half of a whole, and busting out Jacob's outline so quickly confirmed that.

(What I didn't anticipate was how loved Oke and Keegan would be, or that there would be a want for their story outside of myself??? Between us and this postmortem, I hope to sort out their deal and get the satisfaction of seeing another type of love story/dynamic I can't get enough of and share it!)

Closing Thoughts

The comments I've gotten concerning Crushed and noting the appreciation for its slice-of-life/grounded-ness is reassuring! Maybe I'll branch out to other genres, but realism will be something I always come back to. Also, making Crushed wasn't too traumatic soooooo that means I'm still making games LOL! Can't get rid of me yet!

- Gemini 💛

(some links of other posts where I went on tangents concerning the creation of Crushed; these can also be found by searching the tag "crushed vn"!)

Music Inspo and Crushed

Memes Tag Game

Game Dev Commentary: Bonus Content

[your-divine-ribs]

The Christmas Wish Part 4

Words: 2.8k

I intended to also add Van’s POV to this but I wanted to get something posted this weekend so that’ll be next part. Sorry if it’s naff! Hopefully some cute moments coming up in the next part 🤍

The Christmas Wish Masterlist Main Masterlist

🤍 Sacha's POV 🤍

I'm still partially in shock as we all make our way down the corridor and push through the outer school door. I'd been dreading seeing Grace's dad, I was totally expecting the worst from him and I truly thought I'd be desperate to get away after an uncomfortable and awkward meeting. Instead here I am, watching his kids practically dragging him across the car park, excited chatter filling the chilly winter air of Christmas trees and tinsel and fairy lights.

"Are you really sure you don't mind me tagging along?" I say as Van comes to a stop in front of a flashy looking red sports car, fumbling in his jacket pocket for the keys. "I can always pick up the stuff I need for the Christmas wreaths on my way in tomorrow, it's not a problem."

I can't help but feel like I'm intruding on a precious family moment, but Van won't hear any of it. "Why put yourself out when we're heading there right now? We'd love you to come with us wouldn't we kids?"

Cries of "yeah course we do Miss!" and "you gotta help us choose a tree!" burst from the two children and I can't help but grin from ear to ear, buoyed by their obvious excitement.

He opens up the passenger door and shunts the seat forward, urging the kids to clamber into the back. "C'mon you pair, you're gonna have to both get in the back. We can't expect Miss Wilson to squeeze herself in there can we?"

"Err... it's Sacha," I remind him. "We're not in school now. And I don't mind sitting in the back. Not at all."

Even as I'm saying the words I'm filled with doubts as to how I'll be able to manoeuvre myself into the car gracefully without flashing too much leg. It's so low to the ground the suspension's practically scraping the tarmac, the back seat a cramped-looking space that I'd likely have to contort my body into. It's definitely not a practical family vehicle but I suppose what should I expect from a rock-star, even one with children?

"No way, you're up front with me," Van smiles and I feel a little twinge of excitement radiate through me which I try to ignore, turning my attention quickly back to the car.

"It's a really nice car, very fancy!" I enthuse, letting my eyes trail over the sleek contours, the garish fire engine red paintwork standing out starkly amongst the drab coloured family saloons parked on either side.

Van lets his hand trail proudly over the soft-top, almost petting it. "Just picked it up last week, bloody gorgeous ain't it? Bit of a tight squeeze for four though. Wasn't really thinking about the practicalities when I bought it."

"Can we have the top down Daddy?" I hear a little voice come from inside.

"Not in the middle of December, we'll freeze!" Van laughs, sliding the seat forward and ushering me into the passenger seat. I slide into the leather seat self-consciously, holding my skirt tight to my thighs. Van waits until I'm settled before he shuts the door.

I've never been in a car like this before in my life. It's a far cry from my trusty little Fiat 500 that I trundle to school and back in every day. I glance around at the impressive interior, wondering what something like this might cost.

"Can't wait for the summer," Van says as he takes his seat behind the wheel. "Cruising along with the top down, tunes blaring out, the wind in my hair..."

"You'll just be moaning about messing up your hair the whole time!" Grace giggles from the back and I laugh as I see Van sticking out his tongue at his daughter in the rearview mirror.

"Well? It's good hair!" He smirks, making a show of running his hand through it.

"Grandma keeps saying when ya gonna get it cut?" Leo pipes up and Van is quick to reply that Grandma knows nothing about style.

I can't stop grinning hearing Van's easy banter with the kids and I'm beginning to see where Grace gets her outgoing, cheeky nature from. I fasten my seatbelt just as I hear Van firing up the engine which roars into life with a throaty growl.

"Just listen to that," Van murmurs as he revs the accelerator a few times, the delight on his face evident. "Goes 0-60 in about 4 seconds!"

I raise my eyebrows and nod my head, trying to look impressed even though the thought of travelling so fast so quickly frankly terrifies me.

"Can we go fast today... please!" Grace cries. "You're always on about how quick it goes but then you never show us. You always drive so slow-ly."

She drags out the word for effect and Leo makes loud vrooming noises. Van starts to inch the car forward.

"I told you before, I'm not driving fast with you two in the car... precious cargo ain't ya?"

There's booing and grumbling from the back and I turn my head towards Van, surreptitiously sneaking a glance at his handsome profile as he's concentrating on navigating out of the tight parking space.

"I swear if I scratch this paintwork..."

"Mummy says Daddy bought this car 'cause he's having a mid-life crisis...whatever that is!" Grace suddenly announces and I have to bite down hard on my bottom lip to stifle the laugh that nearly bursts free.

Van doesn't look quite so amused, his face scrunching in embarrassment which morphs into an awkward grin as his eyes flick quickly across to me. "Yeah well... mummy says a lot of things," he murmurs, then he drops his voice even lower. "Is Gracie like this in class too?"

"Oh yes," I grin, also talking in hushed tones even though the children clearly aren't listening, chattering away to each other in the back. "If Grace has something to say then she'll just come right out with it, she doesn't hold back."

"Have no idea where she gets it from!" Van chuckles, then he's pulling out of the car park, the momentum of the acceleration of the car pushing me back in my seat even though we're not even travelling that quickly. I'm not into cars at all but even I can't deny there's something kind of hot about the thought of all that power thrumming underneath the bonnet.

Van asks for directions to Harvey's and I start to tell him before we're interrupted by the raised voices of the kids squabbling in the back. I twist around in my seat to see what the altercation is.

"I get to pick this time," Grace demands, pouting sulkily at her brother. "You had your go this morning."

"But it only takes five minutes to get to school. That's only enough time for one song!"

Grace is resolute. "I don't care, those are the rules! You'll only go and put something rubbish on anyway. We don't wanna listen to 'baby shark' again!"

"Ughh had that stuck in my head all morning," Van grumbles, then he reaches into his inside jacket pocket to produce a phone which he holds out to me. "Here ya are, pass that to Gracie will ya? We take it in turns to take control of the music on car trips... unless you want a turn Sacha? Seems only fair you being an honorary guest an' all?"

God, why does the sound of him simply saying my name make me feel all warm and gooey inside?

I take the phone from him, feeling far too shy to reveal my basic music tastes. "Oh no, I'll pass thanks. We don't want Grace to miss her turn do we?"

Grace smiles victoriously and thanks me as she leans forward to take her dad's phone, immediately jabbing at the screen.

"Should be already connected," Van calls to her. "And pick something decent to put on... especially seeing as we've got company."

"I'm on your Spotify account, so you're bound to like it," she replies, and I glance at Van just in time to see that awkward little smile surface again.

"I've got a really wide range of music tastes nowadays. Touring and meeting other musicians really opens up your ears to new stuff. There's all sorts on there. You never know what you might find."

"Any guilty pleasures?" I tease, intrigued as I hear Grace giggling from behind me.

"Me? Nah... I'm not remotely guilty about any of the stuff I listen to..."

And then, as if on some perfectly timed cue, the tinkling opening bars of Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas begin to blare out from the car's speakers. Van's jaw practically unhinges and the giggles I've been suppressing since we first got into the car finally burst free.

"I never would've had you pegged as a Mariah fan!" I laugh as Van splutters, clearly embarrassed.

"I'm not, I swear! She must've clicked on some generic Christmas playlist."

"But Daddy... it's your Christmas playlist," Grace is quick to pipe up. "You picked all these songs yourself. Remember?"

"I swear, every shred of dignity goes out of the window when you have kids," Van mutters, but he's laughing, little creases forming around the corners of his eyes, an adorable tinge of pink lighting up his cheeks. "And you can't have Christmas without Mariah can you?"

"Definitely not!" I laugh along with him, before I'm trying to maintain a mock serious tone. "I mean, I'm not a fan at all but I'd be very disappointed if this particular song wasn't on your hand-picked Christmas playlist."

"Phew... am I off the hook then?" He flashes me a toothy grin, but before I get a chance to answer, two little voices sound out in perfect harmony.

"I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know... make my wish come truuu-uuueee..."

"It's your bit next Daddy!" Cries Leo.

Oh... this just gets better and better. I look across at Van again whose cheeks are getting pinker by the second as he shakes his head. "Err... not now Leo."

"So you can hit Mariah's high notes then can you?" I tease, throughly enjoying watching him squirm.

"You should hear him Miss, he screeches sooooo loud," Grace cuts in and I glance back to see her covering her hands with her ears whilst she winces dramatically.

"Hey... less of the screeching," Van interjects. "I've got the voice of an angel, I'll have you know!"

"Well if it's that good then I think I need to hear it," I say, as both children erupt into chants of "sing Daddy sing!"

"My throat's actually a little sore right now, think I might be coming down with a cold." Van finishes off his sentence with a weak cough and it's quite obvious that he's faking it, but it's also quite obvious that his children aren't backing down from their pleas.

"No you've not... liar!"

"Yeah that's rubbish! And we always sing this song together!"

"Sing Daddy... please!"

"God, they're more demanding than the fans," Van groans but I can see his resolve is being ground down. What I'm not banking on though is his next line as he comes to a stop at a traffic light and looks across at me with a mischievous smirk. "But if I am gonna sing I think it's only fair that Sacha sings too... we're all in this together."

Now it's my turn for my jaw to fall slack, my eyes widening as I protest.

"Oh no I can't... I can't sing at all... I'm tone deaf..."

"No you're not Miss!" Grace blurts out excitedly. "You always sing so prettily in class... and you lead the school choir don't you? You're a good singer!"

I'm visibly cringing much to Van's amusement, the biggest shit-eating grin stretching wide on his lips. "Ahh... it's all coming out now! Look... we're not gonna get them to shut up if we don't do this. We'll never hear the end of it."

"Oh my god I can't believe I'm actually doing this," I mumble, my whole face in flames as I raise up my hands to my cheeks.

Mariah's still warbling away shrilly on the car stereo, and I figure I might not even see Grace's dad again after this so I take a deep breath, looking straight ahead out the car windscreen so I don't have to look directly at him as I start to sing.

"Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas, this is all I'm asking for..."

And to my horror the whole car falls silent to listen to me.

"But you didn't even join in!" I gasp in surprise, but my words are cut short as Van starts to sing.

"Oh, I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know. Make my wish come truuuu...uuuee..."

His voice is the perfect mixture of smooth with a throaty rasp that makes me suck in a breath, and he scrunches his eyes shut briefly as he rises up to hit the high note. I'm staring with my mouth agape, I can't help it, and then our eyes meet as he looks right at me to sing the next line.

"Oh, baby, all I want for Christmas is youuuuu."

"Youuuuu, ba-by..." Chime in the kids, loud giggles emanating from the back seat that thankfully snap me out of my trance.

Van's smiling widely at me, his face all lit up from within and his eyes sparkling with a youthful exuberance and an errant thought flashes through my head...

Shit... I'm in trouble... I like this guy... I REALLY like him...

But as soon as the thought pops up then it's gone. I'm swept up in the moment, singing along with everyone, hamming it up as we all mimic Mariah's signature high-pitched vocals as the song plays out. I'm having so much fun I completely forget where we are for a moment, and the actual purpose of me being here with Grace and her family. Too late, I see the turning for Harvey's shoot past in a blur out the passenger window.

"Ahhh... you just missed the turning... sorry I got completely distracted," I say, quickly giving Van directions as he indicates for the upcoming roundabout.

"No problem," he replies, navigating the roundabout to bring us quickly to our destination.

"Here we are kids!" He announces as he pulls into a free parking space. "All ready to get this tree then?"

"Can we get a real one rather than a fake one?" Grace calls hopefully. "That's what Alex bought mummy last week. It's huge!"

Van's cheerful demeanour disintegrates instantly at the mention of the name which is unfamiliar to me, and it doesn't take a genius to work out that Alex is likely his ex-wife's new boyfriend. He's obviously still wounded and far from over the breakdown of his marriage and I should be filled with sympathy but instead I feel an unexpected rush of completely misplaced jealousy that I really have no business feeling.

"There's loads of trees here to choose from," I say purposefully brightly, tearing my eyes away from Van to address the kids. "Ellie bought a six foot Norwegian pine here just last week. It looks gorgeous in her living room all decorated up."

"Six foot?" Echoes Leo. "Is that as tall as you Daddy?"

"Uh-huh," Van says as he powers off the ignition, turning around in his seat to face the children. "So how big's this tree of mummy's then kids? Is it as tall as me d'ya think?"

Leo shrugs whilst Grace looks thoughtful. "I dunno... Mummy couldn't reach up to put the star on the top though so Alex had to pick her up to do it... just like you used to do..."

The kids likely don't notice the shadow that flits across Van's features but I notice it, a ripple of emotion on the surface that he admirably recovers rather flawlessly from. He plasters on a smile full of enthusiasm as he leans on the headrest, telling his excited children that the tree they're going to get will be much bigger and better than their mum's, and how they'll take it home with them to decorate up that very evening.

"Umm... Van... errr... sorry to interrupt," I venture cautiously.

I don’t want to ruin the moment, I really don’t, but my practical primary school teacher's brain tends to assess scenarios very quickly, pinpointing and zooming in on probable complications. I wonder if Van's even considered how he's going to fit a majestic seven foot pine into his tiny little sports car to transport it home.

“Yeah?” He whips his head around to face me, eyes bright and eager.

“There might be… ummm …. a little problem... you know... with the logistics of getting a tree that size home in this car. Not sure if you've thought about that."

But it appears that Van already has, a huge grin stretching wide on his face as he reaches forward to pluck his phone from his daughter's hands. "'Course I've already thought of that... that's where Larry comes in!"