#but sadly that would ruin my mental health and i would probably be so tired i wouldn’t be able to comprehend the finale

[skylerlovesyou]

side note i did the math i would have to watch this campaign 24 hours a day to catch up before the finale

[mxliv-oftheendless]

Twist of Fate, Chapter 1

Oh my, what could this possibly be??? Why, IT’S A NEW KISSTERIAVERSE STORY!!! One that I have been dying to write for so long now omg. I don’t know how this is gonna go down or how you guys will receive it, but I hope you guys like it! **Important note before we start: this story is a major time skip to years in the future. I still haven’t figured out when exactly but it’s before the Reunion Tour.** Special shout-out to @cosmicrealmofkissteria for freaking out with me over ideas for this story for... literal months now lol. Love you, Shandi! 

After a messy break-up with Nikki Terror, Starchild has been dedicated to improving himself and growing as an individual. It’s been years since he gave any thought to pursuing a romantic relationship. But will a diplomatic trip to Jendell change his mind? 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If Starchild were to ever look back, he would probably berate himself for being such a fool. He had been naïve and idealistic, thinking he could change Nikki Terror by loving him. He had given him everything, ignoring all the warnings from his friends and ignoring all the reasons why he shouldn’t, forgiving Nikki for everything he did, because he thought it would change him for the better. There were so many things wrong with him—and with Nikki, but he was the most concerned about himself by the end.

He would also think sadly about how it ended up taking a major threat from a demon called Blackie, that Nikki himself had Summoned, and KISS teaming up with the Motley Crue to deal with it, to make him realize all of this. He was stressed, angry, tired, and confused, but even amid his confusion, he knew one thing—he couldn’t be with Nikki anymore. For the sake of his sanity and mental health, he couldn’t stay in a relationship that had decayed away to nearly nothing. So he ended it, completely severing their ties.

After that, he focused on himself—if he wanted to be happy, he had to work through his own problems that he had avoided or ignored for so long. So he did. He meditated; he started keeping a diary; he focused on KISS and his friends; he even found himself drawing again. He hadn’t picked up his sketchbook in years, not since leaving KISSteria with Demon, Ace, and Catman to form KISS. He took his duties as KISSteria’s Prince more seriously, finding books on politics from both Earth and his home and soaking up as much information as he could. He tried to forgive himself when he made a mistake, rather than consider himself a failure. Slowly, but surely, piece by piece, he dried his eyes, put his shattered heart back together and moved on. He always remembered how envious he was of Demon and Vinneketh’s loving relationship—if he couldn’t have someone who loved him like that, then he would try to love himself.

Life went on around him, and he tried to move with it. Revenge was recorded and they went on tour, and he tried embracing another side of himself; one that was loud and proud and swore and was outspoken and had fun. He liked that side of himself, and how he was able to embrace it and have fun with it without any strings attached. The years went by, blurred together, until one day he heard someone mention Motley Crue and Nikki Sixx… and he felt nothing. He simply smiled to himself and went back to the book he was reading. He was okay; he was sure now. He was going to be okay. He still felt like he had miles to go, even after years, but he was willing to try. Whether he succeeded or failed, or did both, he wanted to at least try.

“Starchild?”

Starchild blinked and pulled himself out of his thoughts. He turned from gazing out the ship window to the Elder. “Yes, Mother?”

“Are you all right? You’ve been quiet for a while now.”

Nodding, Starchild smiled slightly. “Yes, I am. I was just thinking.”

“A good pastime. What were you thinking about?”

He shrugged. “About our trip. I’m excited; I haven’t visited Jendell in years.”

“That is right, you haven’t. Would you be more excited if it weren’t for diplomacy? Gods know I would be.”

Starchild laughed with her. “I would, but I’m still excited. Diplomacy is important if we want to maintain our friendship with Jendell. If it means more years of peace, I’ll gladly participate.”

A slow smile came to the Elder’s face, and Starchild had decided after years of seeing it that he loved that smile—it meant she approved of his words and was proud of his words. No feeling in the world could match knowing he had his mother’s approval and feeling like he deserved it. “I’m very glad to hear that. The meetings will be numerous, and taxing, but they will be worth it.”

“I hope so,”

They were nearly there, so Starchild went back to looking out the window. Truth be told, he was mostly excited, but still a little nervous. He hadn’t seen Ace in years, only once after he married Princess Amalthea. And even then, it was awkward and painful, and he ended up avoiding him the entire time. Hopefully, things would be better this time.

When the ship landed, he could see a gathering of Jendellian officials waiting for them, and at the very front was Ace and Amalthea, with Tomaziel beside the King as always. It was nice to see Tomaziel was still Ace’s aide, as loyal and dedicated as ever.

Starchild and the Elder stood to get off the ship, and let the procession go first before them. The Elder went first, and Starchild paused to fix his black cloak patterned with silver stars before following behind her.

“Welcome, Elder,” Ace greeted, dressed in royal Jendellian robes. He gave them both a wide smile. “Welcome, Prince Starchild. Thank you for agreeing to make the journey.”

“I hope it was not a difficult one,” Amalthea said, dipping into a respectful curtsy.

The Elder smiled warmly at her. “You needn’t bow to your friends, Queen Amalthea. But no, the journey was far from difficult.”

“We were happy to make it,” Starchild spoke up, smiling respectfully.

Ace turned his eyes to him and smiled wider. “It’s good to see you again, Starchild,”

Starchild’s own smile widened. “It’s good to see you too, Ace,”

Then he suddenly found himself pulled into a hug, a friendly one. The two old acquaintances shared a laugh, and he felt a surge of happiness at the hug. It was a friendly one, yes, but he hoped it meant there were no hard feelings. All his worrying about how Ace would react to seeing him again faded away.

When Ace let him go, he turned to Amalthea and bowed his head to her. “Queen Amalthea. It’s lovely to see you looking so radiant.”

Amalthea laughed and returned the bow. “Why, thank you,”

Then Starchild turned to Tomaziel and nodded to him. “It’s good to see you again, too, Tomaziel,”

“The feeling is mutual, Prince Starchild,” Tomaziel bowed his head, then looked up in slight surprise when Starchild came forward and offered his hand. He looked up at Starchild, who only smiled invitingly, then back down at the extended hand. A small smile came to his face, and he reached out to take the hand and shake it.

But when their hands touched, Starchild jerked his away when he felt a sudden static shock and gave a surprised yelp. “Ow!”

Panic immediately came to Tomaziel’s face. “I’m so sorry!” he exclaimed, holding his hands up apologetically. “It was an accident! I swear, I did not mean to do that. I’m still learning how to control my electricity—I shouldn’t have done that. I am so sorry!”

“It’s all right, Tomaziel,” Starchild interrupted. He showed his hand. “I am perfectly fine. It was an accident, I understand. Really, it’s all right.”

Tomaziel briefly stared at him, then relaxed. “If you say so, Prince Starchild,”

“I do say so,” Starchild gave him a kind smile. “I could tell you about so many times where accidents happened because my own powers weren’t under control.”

Amalthea interrupted politely. “Shall we have our servants show you to your rooms? You would surely like to rest a bit before dinner.”

The Elder nodded. “That would be lovely, thank you. I am not as young as I used to be,” she added, smiling jokingly.

The five laughed and entered the palace.

-JENDELL-

Later that evening, Starchild stood in front of his mirror as he prepared for dinner. He set down his comb and looked over his reflection. It was still a little difficult for him to look at his reflection and not immediately see little things wrong with his appearance; especially now when he had to make an impression to so many Jendellian government officials. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, shaking out his nerves, and opened his eyes to look again. He smiled at himself—he looked good. It was good enough for him. It would be good enough for the rest.

He had been walking down the hallway to the dining hall alone for a while when he turned a corner and almost crashed into Ace. They both froze in time, then Ace laughed. “Glad I stopped; I would’ve ruined your outfit.”

“And we definitely can’t have that happen,” Starchild chuckled. “If I nearly ran into you… Does that mean I was going the wrong way?”

Laughing again, Ace nodded. “I think you were,”

“I haven’t been here in a while,” Starchild shrugged sheepishly. “Could we walk together?”

“Sure. Amalthea and Tomaziel are already there anyways.” He grinned at him. “Wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up being the only ones left to arrive?”

Giggling, Starchild shrugged again. “Then we’ll be fashionably late,”

They set off down the hallway, and after a moment of silence Ace spoke again. “So… How are you? How have you been?”

Starchild thought for a moment before answering. “I’ve been alright. And you?”

Ace smiled. “I have a daughter now,”

“That’s wonderful! What’s her name?”

“Her name is Monique.” He laughed lightly. “She almost threw a tantrum when she learned she wouldn’t get to see the KISSterians arrive today. She’s been talking about how excited she is to meet you and the Elder since she learned you were coming.”

Starchild chuckled. “I can’t wait to meet her,”

“Knowing her, she’ll find a way to sneak away from her governess and seek you out herself,”

“Well I shall await that moment with bated breath,”

Ace laughed. “And what about the band? Did you…” here he sobered. “Did you find a replacement for Fox?”

Starchild’s smile faded at the thought of Fox. The loss of one of his dear friends still pained him. “We did. Catman was the one who suggested him. Eryk, the Wildcat Apprentice.”

Ace raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Eryk?” He smiled. “That’s great; I always liked him. What about Bla—Heather? Is she still traveling around with you?”

Starchild’s head lowered sadly. “No… She left. She didn’t want to be a burden.”

Ace looked away sadly. “I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be. It was her decision, and I couldn’t have stopped her even if I tried… And I tried. I hope she finds the peace she deserves.”

“I… I’m sorry,” Ace laughed nervously, “I keep asking ya questions…”

Starchild shook his head, smiling. “It’s all right. You’ve missed a lot.”

“Okay… I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I heard…” he paused, “I heard you cut ties with Nikki Terror.”

Starchild’s smile faded, but he nodded. “Yes, I did. I reflected on everything, and I realized being with him was doing me more harm than good. I,” he shrugged, “I couldn’t even tell myself a good enough reason to stay, by the end. So I ended things.”

Ace nodded slowly. “Okay… And how have things been for you since?”

“Honestly?” He smiled again. “Things have been lovely. I’m trying to be a better person than I was before, and to be honest… I’m happier with myself than I was before.”

“I thought so,” Ace smiled at him. “I can see it. If you’re happy with the way you are, then I think what you’re doing is great.”

Starchild returned the smile. “Thank you,”

They finally approached the doors to the dining hall. Starchild heard voices through the doors and laughed. “It looks like we are the last to arrive,”

Ace laughed out loud. “Guess we’re gonna be fashionably late!”

He was about to request that the guards open the doors for them when Starchild suddenly stopped him. “Wait… There’s something I need to ask you.”

Ace turned to him. “Yeah?”

Starchild took a breath and went on. “I know the last time I was here… wasn’t the best of times. If it hurt you, the way I acted, I’m sorry. You’re clearly happy married to Amalthea, and I would never do anything to jeopardize your happiness, so…” he extended his hand with a nervous smile, “could we still be friends?”

There was a moment of silence where Ace looked down at his extended hand. Starchild’s heart thumped nervously as he waited for his response. Then a wide grin burst across Ace’s face and he took Starchild’s hand. “Of course we can still be friends. I still care about ya, Starchild, even if we aren’t together anymore.”

Starchild grinned happily and hugged Ace tightly. “I can’t tell you how much that means to me,”

When he pulled away, Ace grinned at him. “Well—c’mon, friend. Let’s go have dinner; I’m starving.”

Laughing, Starchild followed him the rest of the way down the hall. “Same here, friend,”

He entered the dining hall alongside Ace with a much brighter mood than when they arrived. His nerves were gone, and he was looking forward eagerly to the next three weeks. This was going to be a good trip—he was sure of it, now.

[dinosaurs-last-day]

I was thinking 1 through 70, but I realize it's a lot. How about just 1 and 70 to let you off easy 😊❤️.

Nah, you asked for 1 through 70 and I am always up for a challenge. I’m going to do that now! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED YAY!

Plus, I love how you saw the list and though “ALL OF THEM!” I really made me laugh. Thank you for that.

here we go!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Not really. I mean, we get along and we try not to fight. But we have very different beliefs on very big topics, so I have to keep that to myself. They definatly have their faults and it definately affected my childhood and our relationship. In the future, after I move out, I will distance myself from the a lot, but I hope that I won’t have to cut them out. 

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 

My little brother. He’s adorable.

03: Do you regret anything? 

So many things, I could write a book about my regrets. 

04: Are you insecure? 

Very, I’m insecure about almost everything. Ask literally anyone close to me and they will tell you. 

05: What is your relationship status? 

Single, single, single. And at this point in life, with all of my past relationships, I doubt I will even consider a relationship for a long while. Too much pain and fear for rejection and that type of stuff.

06: How do you want to die?

Honestly, I think it would be cool to die from alcohol poisoning or something like that. But if we are being realistic, any way that isn’t painful, like in my sleep.

 07: What did you last eat? 

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

08: Played any sports?

In the past, I have played both baseball and softball on teams. I haven’t played any sports in the past 8-9 years and I doubt I will any time soon.

 09: Do you bite your nails?

nope, never did. 

 10: When was your last physical fight? 

My dad and I will roughhouse a lot. I tend to stay away from real physical fights. 

11: Do you like someone? 

I do like someone. Sadly, that didn’t work out and I am currently trying to figure out how to get over her.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

Yes. I have gone to multiple youth group all nighters where they lock you in a building and give you a bunch of stuff to do so that you don’t sleep. I’ve done it three times and have never lost it. 

 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 

I mean, I always hate myself, does that count? Honestly, a little. For almost a year now, I’ve hated this girl who was talking shit about me because she heard a rumor and decided to hate me. I’ve mostly gotten over it, but I still really don’t like this girl.

14: Do you miss someone?

@trixxyneko. I miss her a lot. 

 15: Have any pets?

Does a little brother count? No, I do not. My family rents a house and our landlord says no pets. We almost adopted a dog that broke into our house, but we couldn’t because of the landlord.

 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Tired, sore.

 17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Made out, yes. In a bathroom, nope. 

 18: Are you scared of spiders? 

Not really. I don’t like them and think they are creepy, but I wouldn’t say that I am scared of them. 

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 

Depends on where I was allowed to go back in time. Plus, do I have to sit back and watch for fear of ruining the timeline, or can I participate? These are all questions I would want answers to before making that decision. 

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

At a party, a year and a half ago.

 21: What are your plans for this weekend?

watch anime. Quarantined rn, so not much to do.

 22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

I want to adopt one kid. Maybe two depending on where I am and life and who I marry. 

 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 

Only regular earring piercings, but I want more.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 

Best subject is probably math. Even though I hate math...

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

not really. I can’t think of anyone. I’ve had to say goodbye to a lot of people because I move a lot. But if I’m super close to someone, I will stay in touch one way or another. 

 26: What are you craving right now?

chocolate

 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 

I wouldn’t say BROKEN, but I have broken up with a dude who followed me around like a puppy dog. He fine tho, at least, that’s what I’ve been told. 

28: Have you ever been cheated on? 

no.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

I don’t think so, I hope not.

 30: What’s irritating you right now?

This virus and the quarantine. Usually, I stay inside on my own accord, but I hate the fact that my choice has been taken away. I understand why, and I agree, but it does cramp my style. 

 31: Does somebody love you?

I doubt it. I’m a potato and if someone loved me, I’d call them crazy and insane.

 32: What is your favorite color?

I love blues, specifically aquamarine, gray, and purple. 

 33: Do you have trust issues?

Yes. I have had a good number of bad friendships that have given me trust issues. 

 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 

I don’t really dream, and if I do, I forget it immediately, so idk...

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 

My mirror. Honestly, I cried watching RWBY a few weeks ago, so my siblings.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 

Yeah, I trust people even when they don’t really earn that trust. And for me, that means believing that people will change even if they don’t. 

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Forgive. I very much live by the forgive but don’t forget thing. It’s not that I try to remember, I just have a really good memory.

 38: Is this year the best year of your life?

Absolutely not. I look around at what is happening in both the entire world and my personal life, and I feel despair. 

 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 

14 years old.

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 

NO. I have no self confidence, I can’t even walk around my house without two or three layers of clothing on and be comfortable. 

51: Favorite food? 

PICKLES and ICE CREAM. But not together, that’s gross. 

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

Yes, otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to live in this chaos. I have to believe in that for my own sanity. 

 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Read fanfiction.

 54: Is cheating ever okay?

No. What type of question is that? Cheating is never okay. If you enter a relationship, you are dedicating yourself to that person until you two break up, if you do that. If you want to be with someone else, you need to leave the relationship you are already in.

 55: Are you mean? 

I don’t think so. I can be mean at times, but I am not mean in the sense that I get joy from it and am mean regularly. 

56: How many people have you fist fought? 

zero. again, i don’t like fighting.

57: Do you believe in true love?

yes, I do. 

 58: Favorite weather? 

rain. 

59: Do you like the snow? 

yeah, but I don’t see it often. I could probably count the times I’ve played in snow on one hand.

60: Do you wanna get married? 

yes.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

Depends on my relationship with them. I have been called babe by dudes hitting on me and I hate that. But if it is someone I am close to, I don’t see why not, it’s them trying to show affection. though why they would like me is beyond me

 62: What makes you happy?

fandoms, music.

 63: Would you change your name?

maybe. I’ve thought about it, a lot. 

 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

YES, VERY HARD. Let’s just say that the last time I kissed someone, I wasn’t in the best mental health place and them giving me attention felt good. Looking back, they aren’t a good person and I hate myself for falling for all that. 

 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 

Seeing as how I am a lesbian, I’d tell them that I’m not interested, but I would love to still be their friend.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 

Yeah. He’s amazing. We both have crackhead energy, though he has more of it. 

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

Same friend as the last question. We texted last night in a group chat.

 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My discord server and I have had a few deep conversations. I’d say them. 

 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 

I don’t really know. I guess? Yeah, I do. 

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

All of my close friends.

Welp, that’s done. Thank you so much for the laugh and the questions. I hope these answers of satisfying and if they arent, oh well. 

[chuffyfan87]

Hiding. Part 49b

Trigger warning - suicide attempt.

-x-

“Naproxen. Twenty or so. Maybe a bit more. I’m fine! I just want to see Duffy!”

Tess opened the door, “Harry wanted me to check on you.”

"When did you take them?" Harry asked.

"Everything is such a mess!" Duffy sobbed.

“Can’t remember.” Charlie mumbled.

Tess closed the door, “What’s happened?”

Harry turned to the nurse beside him and issued instructions on various tests, setting up a cannula and to begin treatment with activated charcoal.

"I really don't know any more." Duffy sniffed.

“I don’t need it, I’m fine!!” Charlie snapped. “Now let me go and find my wife, please!”

“You’ve had a row?” Tess guessed.

"I will go find her once we've gotten you started on treatment. You will not leave this bed under any circumstances." Harry replied sternly.

"More than that. I feel like I don't know him any more." Duffy sobbed.

“I’ll drink the god awful stuff but then I want to see Duffy. Please Harry.” Charlie sighed, “What are you going to do next?”

“Are things that bad?” Tess sat in the chair beside Duffy.

"We'll need to monitor your breathing and cardiac output for several hours plus run repeat blood and urine tests." Harry made some notes on the chart. "I also want you to have a chat with someone from psych."

"I thought things were getting better. Sure we've had a few ups and downs lately but I didn't realise things were so bad." Duffy sighed.

“And have them deem me crazy?” Charlie laughed sadly, “No.”

“Every marriage hits a rough patch.” Tess soothed.

"I'd prefer if you spoke to them voluntarily..." Harry replied.

"This has been going on for almost eighteen months now." Duffy admitted sadly.

“Otherwise you’ll have me sectioned?” Charlie asked.

“What has? You and Charlie’s relationship and marriage?” Tess asked.

"I'd rather not have to Charlie." Harry sighed.

"That's when things started to hit the skids and it seems all we've done is bury our heads in the sand and hope it all miraculously gets better by itself!" Duffy explained.

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself.” Charlie asserted.

“What went wrong eighteen months ago?” Tess asked as she touched Duffy’s arm.

"What was your aim then?" Harry probed gently.

"I don't really know what started it all off. He just began to change. It didn't just happen overnight, it was more subtle and gradual than that." Duffy whispered.

Charlie shrugged.

“Change how?” Tess pressed.

"You can't just act like this is going to sort itself out on its own Charlie." Harry pointed out.

"He became distant. Acting different. I tried to help but I think I just made things worse." Duffy continued.

“And what do you suggest I do? Talk about it? Because talking is really going to solve it, isn’t it?” Charlie mocked.

“Let me guess, he won’t talk to you?” Tess sighed.

Harry sighed. "And this is why medical professionals make the worst patients! I'll go see if your wife can talk some sense into you."

"Why would he? I'm just his wife afterall." Duffy replied bitterly.

“That’s if she doesn’t want to divorce me and walk away.” Charlie sulked.

“Men find it hard to talk, my husband is the same.” Tess smiled.

"I doubt that's high on her to-do list currently." Harry replied.

"He's a qualified mental health nurse and yet when it comes to his own struggles..." Duffy sighed.

“It’s probably number one.” Charlie sighed, “Please can you get her for me?”

“It’s not easy to admit you need help, especially when you’re a medical professional.” Tess stated.

"OK." Harry replied.

Once he reached Charlie's office he knocked on the door.

"Come in." Duffy sighed.

Harry opened the door, “Hi. I was hoping you’ll be able to talk some sense into Charlie.” He smiled sadly, “I’d like him to talk to psych but he’s refusing. I’d like him to do it voluntarily before we have to—“

"Psych?!" She gasped. "So he has taken something?"

“Naproxen." He said.

Duffy went white. "Where the hell did he get those from?"

“I’m not sure. I haven’t got that far. Will you try and talk some sense into him?”

"For all the good it'll do." She sighed as she rose from the desk.

“Thank you. I’ll only be outside if you need me.” Harry said gently.

"OK." She nodded as she crossed admin and headed into the cubicle.

Like he said, Harry was outside the cubicle. In case either of them needed him. Charlie looked up, “You came?”

"Of course I did." She replied softly as she sat on the end of the bed.

He placed his hand on her stomach. “I’m sorry.”

"What for?" She smiled sadly as the baby started kicking.

“Everything.” He replied, “I’ve ruined everything. I’m so sorry.”

"Were you planning to explain why or just let me spend the rest of my life wondering?"

“Why I wanted to leave you and the children?”

"Yes."

“Because I’m not the man you thought I was.”

"What are you talking about?"

“I just feel like I let you down all the time. You and the children.” He moved his hand away from her stomach.

"You haven't. We love you regardless - flaws and all." She reached out for his hand. "Please just let them help you." She pleaded.

“I have.” He sighed, “I miss Louis so much. It hurts. I’m so tired, I haven’t slept since—-“ He sighed again. “You know, I thought you were dead. I can’t sleep. Because every time I fall asleep, I just have nightmares that you’re both dead.” He grabbed her hand.

"I'm sorry I frightened you that night." She squeezed his hand. "Let the psych team help you. For all our sakes."

“And have them section me? And keep me away from you and the children?” He shook his head.

"They won't do that if you cooperate."

“Will you stay with me?” He whispered.

"Of course I will."

“I better take that activated charcoal hadn’t I?” He said sadly.

"It would be advisable to yes."

He nodded. “Will you get Harry? Please?”

"I will do." She stood up. "Just be thankful it's that and not a washout these days."

“I love you.”

"And I love you too, even when you scare the living hell out of me!" She smiled as she stepped out the cubicle so Harry could go in.

“I’ll talk to psych. I’ll also take the activated charcoal.” Charlie admitted. “But you have to promise I won’t be sectioned. I can’t leave Duffy or the children.” Charlie said quietly.

Harry held out his hand. "You have my word."

He shook his hand, “Thank you.”

A couple of hours later Duffy was sat with Charlie as he was resting in the cubicle. The latest test results had been encouraging.

He was fortunate enough not to do any damage to himself. He reached out for her stomach in his sleepy state.

"Don't worry, we're still here." She whispered.

He smiled in his sleep.

She stroked his forehead. "What am I going to do with you, eh?"

“Don’t know.” He mumbled. He moved to the edge of the bed wanting her to lie beside him.

"If I get in trouble for this I'm blaming you!" She giggled softly as she cuddled up next to him.

He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. “Love you.” He whispered.

"Love you too. Never forget that."

“You never forget it too.” He whispered back.

She wasn't sure how long they lay there quietly, just soaking in the other's closeness.

A tear rolled down his cheek and landed against her chest.

She stroked his hair but didn't speak.

Another tear landed on her chest, followed by several more.

"Just let it all out." She encouraged softly.

He cried for what felt like forever.

"Its going to be OK."

He kissed her chest again.

She wriggled slightly to wrap her arms around him and relieve the pressure on her back.

“You can always lie on me.” He whispered.

"I wouldn't want to hurt you. You must be sore from being sick."

“You won’t hurt me.” He smiled sadly, “But I know you’re becoming a little uncomfortable.”

"I'm OK, but these trolleys weren't designed with two people in mind!" She joked.

“Nope, they weren’t.” Charlie replied sleepily, his arms still around Duffy.

"Clearly poor planning on the part of the designers!" She chuckled, stroking his forehead softly.

“Hmm, yes.”

She chewed her lip. "I'm not going to ask you why but please promise me you won't do anything like this again?" She whispered.

“I promise.” He whispered, “Couldn’t do it to you and the children.”

"We need you too much."

“So do I.” He whispered.

"I'm right here always."

“I’m sorry.”

"You have no need to be." She moved to sit up. "I should let you rest and allow Harry to get on with making you better."

“Stay, will you stay please?”

"I'll stay til you're asleep."

He nodded. He eventually settled about thirty minutes later and fell asleep, on his side under the blanket.

[enchantingkittengaditor]

The MCU’s Daughters Prequel: Loser In Me

A/N: This is a Prequel, to my new story The MCU’s Daughter, inspired byBrie Larson’s album Finally Out of PE. Loser In Me was merely the inspiration for this piece and if lyrics are seen it’s probably just me listening to the song about 100 times writing this and editing it.

Summary: Long before she was the MCU’s Daughter. Before they were the Internet’s Daughters. They were just teenage girls trying to fit into a new system, a new country and a new school. Before all the fame and success two teens first became friends and teammates.

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Anxiety, Epilepsy, Violence, Extreme Angst, THE FIRST HALF OF THIS TAKES PLACE IN A THERAPY GROUP. Extreme Fluff in part 2 though to make up for it, after an anxiety attack.

Master List

February 14th, 2016

Tegan

It was that time of the week again, no not the weekend. Therapy day. I’m meant to be looking forward to today. But I don’t. I mean, I sit in a room with 9 other depressed and anxious teens and an overly enthusiastic adult trying way too hard for 2 hours. Where’s the fun in that?

The way I knew it was therapy day was simple my alarm went off, my cat jumped on my face and my sister yelled breakfasts ready from the kitchen downstairs. I’ve gotta get up and out of bed, but why so I could talk about things people think I make up to a bunch of kids around my age. I know I shouldn’t have but I turned my alarm off and tried to go back to sleep grabbing my cat to use as a teddy bear in the process.

“TEGAN!!!” Alex yells again, this time from the other side of my door. I groaned getting up knowing my attempt failed and if I didn’t get up now my sister would enter my room. The one place I had left.

Dragging my brush through my tangled hair to make it look semi-presentable and grabbed a clean shirt from my draw and my leggings from my desk putting them on, not caring that they didn’t look good together. Because I don’t care. I would much rather be in bed or be somebody else because I’m getting really tired of myself. 

I put on some mismatching socks and my teddy bear slipper and running downstairs to join my mother and sister for our traditional heart-shaped pancakes and fruit Sunday breakfast. One of the few things that hadn’t changed in the past 15 months. One thing I could hold onto. One thing that kept the memory alive. I know people behave like I do when a loved one dies but that’s not my story. My story’s worse because I was the one who died. Well not literally but figuratively for sure.

We chatted about meaningless trivial things. Until I noticed the time and said I should go pack my bag for therapy. The bag I had to pack for therapy contained my sketchbook, my writing pad, and my book. The writing pad and sketch pad were to show I was making progress and not just drawing and writing the same old memories. The book was a form of entertainment as my mum always dropped me early and picked me up late at the Library where these sessions were held due to my sister’s tennis lessons.

After the process of packing my bag, I shoved it onto my shoulder, turning to say goodbye to my cat. That was when  I saw the photo frame. The photo frame that contained three of the most important photos in my life. One was of me and my best friend at my 4th birthday party laughing while eating cake on my Dora the Explorer map which for some reason was of Russia, Mongolia and China. One of the others was of me and my two best friends at one of their 7th birthdays with my arm in a sling. The last one was of me, my classmates and our teacher from the last place I lived. I could feel myself begin to cry as the memories began to flood my already drowning mind.

“Tegan, Vamos!” My mother yelled at me from the door so I grabbed my shoes and threw the photo frame down onto my desk careful not to break it.

On the short twenty-minute journey to the library, we laughed trying to sing along to the music on the radio. Or at least I tried. It wasn’t the same. Nothing ever will be. And they don’t seem to care. I know they do but I haven’t seen it.

Once at the library I said goodbye to mum and Alex, walking through the door I was met by the warm embrace of the library air and take a deep breath of the book scented filled air letting it fill up my lungs. This was one of the few places I could feel at home in. But everything good in this world has to be ruined by people, doesn’t it?

“Come in Tegan we were just about to start,” Madison, the human in charge, told me as she walked past me holding a takeaway cup, most likely filled with Irish coffee to help her get through these sessions that I could tell were just as unbearable to her as they were for me.

When It was my turn to share what I did this week I shared the news of becoming ‘friends’ with the new girl at school and everything I’ve done to improve my mental health, although none of it worked. They then asked me questions about the new girl, which lead me to say, “She’s been through similar things to me, well closer than anyone I’ve met outside the people I would call if anything went wrong.”

To which, much to my dismay, Julie told me the cheesiest thing I have ever heard in this cheese-fest of therapy, “Maybe you went through it,” referring to the moves I had endured 13 and 22 months ago, “so you could help someone else survive it.”

“Maybe, or maybe the world is a cruel heartless bitch, who can’t handle that some people were made for more and decides to shoot them down. Like Malala or Martin Luther King Jr or Ringo. The world destroys the souls that only want to do it good and sadly I fall into that pile. I may have had what all of you call the dream life, but it’s a living hell. A combination of amazing until about 5 minutes later when I get shot in the heart over and over and over again until I decide to give up or till the world gives up on me and I don’t know which one is worse. I have never seen myself age past 20. I don’t know why. Even in the before, the before everything went fucking wrong. And it went wrong spectacularly. It always does. My life from the outside might look good but my mind. My mind is slowly trying to kill me. Even on all my meds. My mind is poisoning itself because it always had, from a young age and it will until I’m six feet under and probably after that. If you believe in the afterlife,” I yelled in frustration at Julie and all of her positivity nonsense. She was the eldest person here and the only one of us who doesn’t have to come but she still does, because she thinks of us as her family. In fact, her positivity was so infuriating to me that I got up and walked out of the room towards the bathroom ready to cry my heart out. That’s what I needed. And that’s what I did.

February 15th, 2016

Simone

It was my second Monday at school in New Zealand. And it wasn’t going that well. So far I had walked in on Indy and her boyfriend Lachie kissing, my friend Tegan had been bullied by Scarlet, I had been lectured about Harry Potter by Alexandra, someone in year 6 had been punched, and I had been told off by the principal for not wearing a hat outside. Not a good start to the day especially considering we had just gone out for ‘fitness’ which happens at 11:30 in the morning.

That was when it first happened. The first time I saw Tegan for who she was under all of her layers.

In the middle of our class game of basketball, I noticed her starting to lag behind where she had been. Then she started becoming short of breath, her face started to drain of colour as she stood still in the middle of the court. I looked around the court only to notice that no one else was seeing her break down in the middle of the school.

So, I went over to her.

“Are you OK?” I asked her squatting down so I could look up at her and look her in the eye.

That’s when I noticed how hard she was struggling to breathe. I ran. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me over to Miss G who was reffing the game.

“Tegan can’t breath and I don’t know what else is going on, but I know she can’t easily breath,” I spat out in about 3 seconds flat pointing my index finger over to her almost colourless body standing in the middle of the court. Except she was gone.

“She seems fine Simone, she just went to the bathroom,” Miss G told me in a condescending tone.

“Well then, can I please go to the bathroom?” When she nodded her head in response and faced back to the game I walked back over to where the toilets were.

I raised my fist to the grey stall door and knocked.

“I’m fine. Really, but thanks for checking!” Tegan yelled from the other side sniffling.

“Just come out, please. You really looked like you needed a hug out there and I would love to give you one because I think of you as my friend. So please just come out here and talk. It’s only me.”

“And me. Tegan, I want you to come out here so we can talk. We can all just lean against the door while you tell us what happened so no one else can enter if you want,” Alexandra said as she walked into the bathroom.

“Only if you give this up.”

“What up?” I dared to ask.

“Trying to make me better,” She opened the door to reveal herself, “I’ve been trying for years to fix myself.  I’ve been trying since I was 7 to fix whatever the hell is wrong with me. There is a giant loser who lives within me and currently in control and I am fine with that because it’s better than the giant demon that’s in there. I… I am just a shell of a broken child who will never be able to grow up. I’m so scared for her and her future because everyone is telling me to let her go but I can’t because she’s the me I only let a few people see. She is what is at the centre of all my thousands of walls and there’s a good reason for those walls. I’m broken. Defective. People only want people you fit perfectly with themselves. I don’t. I don’t fit with anyone unless their pieces are broken too and then we can become a beautiful mosaic. But, then again, nobody in this godforsaken country seems to realize you don’t have to put your pieces back in the same places to become whole again. And putting yourself back together exactly the same is hard, especially when you don’t know how the broken pieces fit together because you’ve been broken for too long. I… I was just having a panic attack that’s all. It happens all the time and nobody has ever reacted how you did and it scared me if I’m honest. Nobody ever really cares normally,” by this point we all had our backs to the girls’ toilets on the floor. Me and Alexandra had our arms around Tegan’s shoulder comforting her as she cried/talked to us about whatever was on her mind, “For the longest time all I’ve wanted is to have someone else’s puzzle piece and be compatible with others. All I want to do is order in and stay at how with my TV and guitar, and waste the day, crashing at home, without people. But I can’t because my sister or mum is always with me. I just want to run away from my so-called life. No matter how hard I try I keep losing my head and it keeps happening again and again and I can’t stop it.”

“Have you tried therapy?” Alexandra asks with the best intentions but I could tell by the way Tegan flinched that it was a touchy subject.

“Yeah, I go once a week to a group session for 10-18-year-olds who have dealt with loss. It’s on Sunday at South Library, but I hate it. It does nothing except make me want to punch a bunch of teenage girls in the face,” she responds in a post tear voice, I’ve come to know all too well.

“Well, I’m sure it’s good for you and it’ll get better. All of it,” I said with a smile, “After all, who’s going to show me how to get through moving away from everything they’ve ever known to here? Not Indy or Scarlett or Saskia. They all seem lovely but they don’t know what it’s like and you do. And that makes you special.”

“Ok. But should we head back out there?”

“I’ll go and tell Miss G that both of you are just going to stay in the classroom and I’ll come back and we can find some cat videos to watch together. Ok?” Alexandra said to Tegan’s question.

“That sounds good Bob.”

“Bob?”

“Her nickname,” She smiles to me as we get up and walk into the classroom and sit at the jelly bean table waiting for ‘Bob’ to get back.

Tags: @hollandarling, @wazzupmrstark, @hollandroos, @keepingupwiththeparkers

[sebastianstanish]

Family departures

Second part to Family friends

warnings: angst and bit of fluff in the end

I want to apologize if this sucks, but I finally got it written so no judgement. I have been super busy with school and some mental health problems so you better be proud I even got this written! Even though it’s been months since I’ve posted any work... Also this is unedited cos I didn’t have the motivation sorry not really...

(credit to the owner of the gif)

It had been a few weeks since you left Steve’s place and sadly you didn’t see Bucky for the rest of the time you were there. You wanted to, but it wasn’t good for you to leave Steve’s side; he fell ill and it broke your heart to see him as weak again. It was like you two were children again as it reminded you of the times Steve laid in bed, barely able to move and you being too stubborn to leave his side even while your mother was begging you to come home so you wouldn’t get infected also, but no matter what you stayed at his side.

You had stayed there the entire time Steve was able to stay at home, but at one point he had to be hospitalized and it broke your heart. You couldn’t even remember the last time you had seen him in such a bad shape. Of course he had been hospitalized many times as a child, but not like this and it scared you. Probably more than it should’ve.

You knew you should’ve stayed in Brooklyn while he was in the hospital, but you were too scared to, so you went home. That didn’t mean you didn’t think of Steve everyday, because you did and you feared for his life. You weren’t sure of his survival this time and you just wanted to cry yourself to sleep every night but you didn’t. You returned to your work and played strong no matter what. You didn’t let yourself look tired in front of your co-workers nor did you let them see your swollen eyelids every morning. You fought through your fears and stayed in believe that Steve would make it through while still expecting the worst.

You didn’t hear from Steve for two months and once you realized how much time had passed, you panicked. First you sent a letter to him in hope that he would answer with ín a few weeks, but there was no answer. You took a few days to decide if you would go there and leave your job for a while again, but they couldn’t fire you, right? You were going to leave to check up on a friend if he was dead. That’s good enough for a reason right?

It was night when you heard a knock on your front door and it made your heart jump up to your throat. You hoped it wasn’t someone who was supposed to tell you that Steve’s dead. You look at the door knob for a long time before opening it. In fact you stared at it for so long that the person behind the other side started knocking again.

You took a deep breath in and let it out to relax yourself a bit. You opened the door to find Bucky on the other side, looking devastated. He kept looking down to his shoes and you saw tears slip down his cheeks, or you actually saw them falling down his face and hit his shoes. Your eyes immediately started to tear up as you already knew why he had came here. You put your hand to cover your mouth to quiet down your heart breaking whimpers.

As you were about to pull Bucky into a hug, you heard him laugh. You lifted his head up and saw him laughing hysterically. “Ah, you totally bought it!” Your blood started to boil and you slapped him. Hard. “You’re an asshole James Barnes”, you said as you were stepping back inside your apartment and about to close the door. He had enough time to put his foot between, though, and he opened the door again. “C’mon I’m sorry, sweetheart. There is someone you might want to meet, though”, he smiled at you. At that you saw Steve come up behind him, in a wheelchair. You ran up to him and took him into your arms. Keeping him there for at least five minutes, but it felt like twenty seconds.

As you let him go you became mad. “How dare you scare me like that, Steve?!” Tears started to well up in your eyes. “I’m sorry, (Y/N). We thought it would’ve been funny, but we didn’t think that you would react so strongly”, he tried explaining. “It’s not funny! I thought you had died and that would be the last thing I’d ever want to hear”, your voice was about to break. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N). We didn’t mean it like that. I’m still here and not going anywhere for a while”, he smiled a sad smile to you. “I forgive like always but you can’t do that to me ever again”, you gave him a stern look and then the same look to Bucky which he only chuckled at.

You let the boys into your apartment and Bucky found his way to your couch fast and Steve found his place with his wheelchair right next to him beside the couch. “How long will you be in that chair, Steve?” you asked him. “Just for a few weeks until I’m strong enough to walk at least a mile”, he shrugged without thinking any of it. You were really concerned about to Steve until now and it felt like a burden had been taken away from your shoulders now that you knew he was okay and acting like himself again. You kept glancing at him all through the night as if you couldn’t believe he was actually there.

You three kept talking about everything and nothing at the same time until midnight when Steve started to feel tired and you quickly made a bed for him in the quest bedroom. Bucky took him there to, because he was stronger than you and it was easier for him to lift Steve up to the bed if he fell while trying to do it himself. Once he had made sure Steve was in bed, he came back and sat on the couch again. You were in the kitchen mean while making you and Bucky something little to eat as he had said he wasn’t hungry before while you had made Steve and yourself something to eat little after they had came inside your apartment.

You walked back to the living room where Bucky was sitting silently. He didn’t notice you walk in as he seemed to be lost in his thoughts. It made you wonder what is it that he was thinking about, what could make the oh-so famous ladies man so serious? “Hey?”, you said softly and he raised his head with saddened blue eyes of his. “Is everything okay?” you were no longer concerned of Steve at all as the concern transferred towards Bucky. He only shook his head and let out a broken chuckle. You sat beside him, placing the plates of food on the coffee table in front of you and took him into your arms as he broke down crying. You weren’t sure if anyone had really comforted him since his mother and your heart broke once again because of him. You knew, though, that this isn’t the side he is willing to show many people and you felt honoured that he was able to be like this with you.

“I was so scared he was going to die this time”, his voice broke mid-sentence. “He’s not going anywhere or I’ll bring him back one way or another. Then possibly kick his ass for leaving us”, you tried saying some comforting words to him and you guess they worked sense you heard him let out a heart-warming laugh. “Y’know you kind of promised me a next time last time I saw you”, he looked straight into your eyes with a glimpse of hope and wit.

“You’re not trying to seduce me now are you, Mr. Barnes?” He looked at you with a playful look and said: “Of course not! I’m not trying anything, because I am seducing you”, he winked at you and bit his lower lip. “Has anyone ever told you you have some odd mood swings, Barnes? You were literally just crying and you’re flirty? You’re one weird man for sure”, you said to him, amused by his behavior. He shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m still quite sure you dig me”, his voice was so smooth now and it made you melt. Bucky noticed your reaction to his voice and pressed his lips against your ear and whispered: “You like my voice, huh?” With that he sent shivers down your spine. He pressed a gentle kiss onto your temple looking at you, admiring the sight in front of him.

You looked back at him now and glanced down at his lips, wondering if you should just grab him and kiss him. It would clear things and if neither of you felt anything at it, you could just forget your attraction towards him. So, you did. You grabbed his face and kissed him. It wasn’t a rough kiss. It was gentle and loving, which you would’ve never expected from a ladies’ man like him.

After a while you pulled away from him. He stared into your eyes, amazed. You knew you must’ve looked the same as you gazed into his eyes. This moment was completely ruined by Steve, though, as you could hear him say in a bit louder voice than usual: “These walls aren’t so thick, (Y/N)! I swear to god if you’re going to sleep with him while I’m here, I’m going to kick your arses to the next dimension!” Both of you and Bucky bursted out laughing at his comment.

You didn’t sleep with him then, but Steve doesn’t know what happened during the few times you decided to meet without him before he left for war ;)

[awedfeelings-blog]

Oh, darling. My beloved cup of coffee on a morning blessed with rain.

I love you, and I have since we were at the youngest of years. I care so much about you, and I apologize I must write to you like this. I am afraid, afraid that the next time you see me will be at my funeral. I honestly have not been doing well, my medication is failing me. I am failing myself. I am ruining my health physically and mentally. It’s been a month since I’ve actually eaten something; it’s been two months since I’ve gone to see my therapist. I know I continuously tell you that I see them, but I can’t. The scars lining my hips are ruining who I am. People see them and comment on them. You always told me they were beautiful, and honestly, that’s how my shameful crush on you settled. You saw past who I was and looked at who I am. You looked at my personality, my present. My broken past did nothing to make you run away.  You held me in your arms when I cried, when I panicked, and I couldn’t hold back anymore. I remember every detail of it. The soft scent of gasoline and sweat that clung to your sweater from your long day at work, it overflowed my lungs, causing my heart to explode. Your sweet, tired voice that soothed my soul one thoughtful “It’s okay..” at a time. The feeling of your arms wrapped oh so protectively around my dying hope. Thinking about it now, I cannot help but let the tears drip from my eyes. As I am writing this now you are asleep on the couch beside me, your soft snoring being the inspiration for my words. Your colored skin shining peacefully from the light that radiated past the dim skylight. Years of life walked through the dark city alleys, and people without jobs slept sadly by storefronts. This is the city we grew up in, right? If it holds so much trauma in my past, why does the soft bustle of people soothe me? Perhaps it is the knowledge that this is my last night. My last night here, in this world. Granting that this is also the last night I will ever be able to see your soft giggle in your sleep or to witness the warmth of your smile on a particularly hard day. I could go on and on about your looks. The beautiful person that is you, and how you blessed my world. There are no words to describe your true beauty, although I can try. Your blonde hair, curled at the ends, like a sea of golden waves, or a halo rimming your freckle filled face. A smile, you contain such a remarkable smile. Something that could put the sun to shame, obscure the stars that shine so brightly. God, your skin. Effortless, flawless, angelic. Anything you could hope for, summed into one person. Most nights I often wondered how someone so perfect could be with me. How someone so wonderful could laugh at my jokes, someone so outstanding could be excited to see me. It forces me to believe that you care about me, even if I know you cannot. I dare not to tarnish years and years of friendship, for I believe I’ll ruin it, ruin the love that was there before. Even though every passing day as soon as you turn away, I feel my heart ache. It aches for you, and you alone. Everyone else vanishes when you smile at me. My debt in life and the people that grieve all leave, and it’s just you. Even though I have repeatedly talked about your looks, I have yet to get to the best part. You. How you act and what you do amazes me completely. You would stop to help everyone and often come home with empty pockets, the cause of you handing too much money out. That has never bothered me, I enjoy seeing your sheepish smile peek from behind our apartment door. You’re equal to a kitten, that’s how I would describe you. The energy combined inside of you never seems to run out, and you’re always excited to do anything. That is perhaps the part I love most about you; you’re a lot different than me. I am someone who cannot talk properly with others and despises going anywhere. My favorite spot is inside our home, in your arms. You are always happy to move around, and you never seem to be able to sit still. Sometimes, if I close my eyes, I can imagine we’re a couple. I can imagine feeling your body against mine, our lips locked together and our hands wandering. I can think about the long days at work, coming home to you. I can think about the possibilities that lay before you. I often cry at the thought of waking up to your wrinkled and aged face, a dog barking in the background and birds chirping outside of our house. It makes me weep, for I know I will never acquire something so beautiful. Something so happy has never been in my life, and I can barely imagine it ever will be. That is my fate, and tonight I am accepting it. You may be sad, but please do not cry. None of this is your fault, you cannot force yourself to love, or care, or see me as someone you could enjoy waking up to. This is my future, and I know I am meant to be in this spot, at this time. I am happy that you have not woken up to my sobs yet. This is truly hard for me to write, for the pain, I feel pouring out my feelings to you, feelings of honesty that have been trapped inside of me since my birth make me want to end it now. End the letter at this very last sentence. Although I won’t, why? I want you to remember me, remember your childhood friend that developed a crush that could never be fixed. I want to let you be happy whilst you read this. I am going to cramp my fingers to the point where I can’t even move them, as long as you smile at a moment of grief. I want so badly to just lie down next to you on the couch, wrapping my arms around you and just sleep. Just me and you, sleeping together in the most innocent way. I just lacked the courage, and you were beautiful and I was gawky and you were endlessly fascinating and I was hopelessly boring. You were the hurricane and I was the drizzle, so much more powerful than me in so many ways it would shock others. You are not mine, but sometimes I pretend you wish you were. I create this idea that you secretly want me; I often forget it’s just something I’ve made up. You do not want me, and you are not mine. I want you in the bluntest way, I want your lips, hands, arms. I want you the way the ocean wants the shore, constantly reaching for paradise, although running back. I want you the way rain wants to fall, sun wants to shine, the way words want to be read. No rain can douse the fire that I hold in me for you. Although these are just things I want, these are not the things I have. Instead, I have sweet smiles of passing days, hugs that attempt to patch back up who I think I am, small talk on the couch in the morning, and deep conversations on the porch at night. Instead, I have a pain where my heart is. Did you know there’s a name for it? La douleur exquise, meaning the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable. Do you remember when we were kids, we would always talk about partying until 4 am when we got older? It’s quite ironic because little did we know that at 4 am I would be writing a suicide note. I feel bad about this, about leaving you. I don’t want to, yet we can all agree to love you was the most exquisite form of self-destruction, although I regret none of it. I don’t regret the countless nights I spent blushing in my room, you the only thing on my mind, for you always looked at me like there was something in me worth looking at. My life isn’t as enjoyable as before, and I don’t want it anymore. I truly wish I never fell in love with you, I might be living a happy life at the moment. Although do I regret meeting you? No, of course not. You have been there for me when no one else was, and I have been there for you when you couldn’t handle it anymore. We even each other out. I’m going to end this very soon, for my body is accepting its fate and beginning to ache. It’s aching a rest, a rest with constant dreams of you. I will never stop thinking of you because I love you. I’m sorry I have so many scars, I’m sorry that I can’t go a day without crying, I’m sorry for hating myself all the time, for always talking about my problems, and probably being annoying as hell, I’m sorry for not being perfect, but most of all I’m sorry that I’ll never be good enough for you.

Please write back to me soon, love.

   Dearly,        Andri

I wrote this for a community I was in for awhile that focused on creating love letters. They could be about anything you wanted, portray any feelings you wanted, and could contain anyone you wanted. It was a tad hard writing a love-filled suicide note, and incorporating different aspects of my style into a letter I feel too strongly for, even if I’ve never experienced a true heartbreak. The genders can be interpreted any way you want- and I just used my name at the end because it was the easiest.

[rethdis-love]

Chapter 20. A few hours ago. Lina. - Listen, Vick, you insist on asking me every week for a date and I refuse you every week. You yourself are not tired of it yet? I looked sideways at the student who was hovering next to me. How many times do I still have to deny him so that he understands that I'm not going to agree to his proposal? Maybe I should not be bragging about my relationship with Denis? Something, probably, I would be calmer, at least in the fact that the sticky classmate did not come to me with such speed.

- No,- I repeated. - I'm not going out on a date with you. Why me? Are there so many beautiful girls around? You're a nice guy, with you, anyone will happily go! - But I chose you, Lina! - he answered fervently, and I rolled my eyes. - You yourself are without a boyfriend! - he continued. - Do you have such strict parents? I often see that your father takes you!

I turned in confusion to him. Father? Ooh, how furious would Denis be now if he heard it! - Well, or brother,- he corrected himself. - In any case, let me talk with your parents, they will understand that I am very positive, and you can calmly walk with me. I even promise to return you no later than ten in the evening! I gritted my teeth. Tired! - I'm an orphan, - I hissed, - and I have only a sister.  And "father" is my future husband, so that you will know! "Well, or something like that," - I mentally added. Proposals to me Denis did not, and maybe never will, but I now was brought to the last boiling point. Father or brother! Same it was necessary so to say! - And anyway, it's time for me! - I ran out of the audience, fastening the jacket as I went. Hurry to Denis! I already jumped out onto the porch and noticed Denis in the distance, rubbing his frozen hands and was overjoyed. Now I run up to him, he will hug me and everything will be fine. - Come on, Lina! - Victor overtook me and grabbed my hand. - What else? Leave me alone, please! Instead of answering this ... nasty type just grabbed me in an armful and kissed it. The kiss was wet and somehow slippery and I instantly broke away and panic looked to where Denis was standing. In the fact that he saw it, I did not even doubt it. For a moment he was still standing, and then walked away with a quick step. How can he so quickly manage to walk with him, not too successfully fused leg after a fracture in his youth? - Denis! - I called out. What to do? I will now catch up with him and how can I explain that this is not what he thought? Vick still held me, I yanked my hand and lost my balance on the poorly cleaned slippery steps. The pain came instantly, but my mind mercifully decided to leave me. ** I opened my eyes and looked around the university health center. Outside the window began to grow dark. How long have I been here? I panicked, I lost so much time, and yet Denis ... Who knows what will come to his shaggy head! I hardly slid down from my bunk. The whole body was a bruised bruise, but I managed to crawl out of the clinic, rejoicing that the doctor was not there. That's why he will be surprised when he sees an empty room. I got to Denis's apartment with difficulty, having caught on the way all possible traffic jams. The man's phone was disconnected, and I nervously gnawed my nails, imagining WHAT it could do. * I wish you were alive, if only you was alive * - I whispered to myself. * Psycho abnormal, do not you dare do anything with yourself, do you hear, you idiot? * Forces no longer existed and I just dared to hope that he would understand everything, or at least not push me away ... ** I opened the apartment door and immediately came across the boiling anger of Anya. I moaned mentally. The woman looked unapproachable and I realized that she would let me go to Denis, if only a miracle would happen. But I still tried to pass by her, but Anya, without saying a word, pushed me away. Then she held out her hand and said briefly: - The keys. - I will not give it up,- I snapped and squeezed the keys harder. My  bruised fingers ached, but I decided - then, then ... - All right,- Anne nodded and twisted me, tearing the keys from her palm. I straightened, panting. The keys drowned in the pocket of Anna's cardigan and I could only look at them sadly. But maybe I can persuade her to miss me? .. I will not be able to fight her. Or maybe it's worth shouting? - Do not be horrible,- the woman warned me, guessed my thoughts. - Denis sleeps with temperature and I absolutely do not want him to wake up. Temperature? .. He is ill? I frowned. - Then you should especially let me pass to him. -Why, Lina? He told me everything. And I, like him, are tormented by one question - why did not you tell Denis in person that you no longer want to be with him? Are you afraid of responsibility, what do you have to bear? I already told you that he is not an ordinary man! - Nonsense! - I cried out. - This idiot understood everything wrong! How could he even imagine that I would be with another? Anya shrugged her shoulders and said firmly: - Go away, Lina. Whether he understood everything correctly or not, it does not matter. Enough of him ... all the experience. - You still love him, do not you?- I asked. - Do you hope that I'll leave and he'll definitely be yours now? You in fact know, that so will not be!

Raising her slender hand, Anya gave me a short and angry slap. I raised my hand to my cheek in bewilderment and stared at the woman. - Go away!  - she repeated. - Enough of my brother's suffering!  I will not let you ruin his life! The word "brother" hung in the air and I suddenly understood everything. There is no love between them, but Anya will always stand guard over his interests. Because it has been so since childhood - the girl grew up with the realization that she should protect an unusual boy, because he is not like everyone else. An unladylike, misunderstood, with a constant bad luck in life. And she was so drawn into this concern about him that she began to think that she loved him. But now she has started to see and I saw how hard it is for her ... I looked at the woman with pity and, it seems, she caught it in my eyes. She again irritatedly shrugged her shoulders and began to push me out the door. I tried to resist, but the forces were unequal. After a few moments, I was already looking at the closed door. I kicked the door and tried again to call Denis. Useless. It seems that now I lost this round. - Nothing,- I informed the door. - He will not be ill forever. He is not going anywhere from me. ** I got to the hostel when it was already dark outside. My only desire was to get to the bed and, not undressing, fall asleep. But, the first person I saw when I entered the building was a sister who was walking unevenly near the wall. - Kate? - I was unpleasantly surprised. - What are you doing here? - I want to talk to you,- said the nurse nervously. I sighed wearily. It seems that today I can not rest. The sister was silent for a long time in the room. I looked at her with dislike. She never loved me and always stressed it. I was jealous of my mother, arranging hysterics and as a result of my mother's attention I got crumbs. I got angry. - Katya, or you'll tell me why you came or go! I already had a hard day! My sister still hesitated and said listlessly: - I came to apologize. Well ... for everything. Old grievances flared up in me and I hissed: - For all? Do you really think that one apology is enough? You did not give me any opportunity to be with my mother and as a result I grew up almost alone; you drove me out of the house, and now you want me to forgive you? I stopped. Sister looked at me pleadingly. - Lina, forgive me! I know that it's my fault, but the past can not be fixed, and I ... I found a cancer, like my mother, and I realized that I need to apologize to you now, but what if it's too late? I fell into a frightened silence. My mother died long and painfully and, somewhere very deep down, I experienced relief from her death, because no one deserved such a disease, stifling, enveloping, without hope. I straightened my shoulders. Be patient, Denis, I think I have to sort it out first. ** Studies, part-time, support of my sister ... In the evenings, I came to the hostel and could not sleep for a long time from exhaustion, looking at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. And when I managed to sleep, I dreamed of Denis and in the morning I got up completely broke. His phone was still stubbornly silent and I gradually stopped calling him. After a while, I began to doubt whether this man was in my life and only cursed dreams did not allow me to completely forget him. But I still loved him.

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Russian text

[tokyoteddywolf]

Message Received

Hahahaha y’all ready for this huge ass pile of langst? :D

I am evil, and your salty, salty tears fuel my motivation ;)

Pairing: Shklance, Team as A Family, and if you don’t like blood there are graphic, and i mean really fucking descriptive, amounts of blood in the first half. Why do i hurt my favorite paladin this way :’)

Enjoy! (suffer with me-)

It hurt. Everything seriously hurt, and he was having trouble breathing. It was warm and wet all over his armor and Blue wasn't responding to anything, completely shut down. Wheezing, he tried to remember exactly what had happened, but it was so fuzzy and his head hurt too much to focus on sorting the images out…

It had been a simple mission, get in, rescue the Prince of the Avalians, get out and go back to their planet to continue the alliance negotiation. Well, it was supposed to have been simple, but nobody had counted on the sudden arrival of the main Galran warship. Keith had taken a bad hit, Lance having to pull back to rescue the Red Paladin. He wasn't needed on the frontlines anyway… it was fuzzy after that, but they'd been forced to wormhole away, Black carrying Red now, and they'd entered the wormhole only for Coran to shout a warning that a blast of ion energy had gotten through the portal.

Lance's sharp eyes had seen where it was heading, straight for Shiro and Keith, and he refused to let the two people he was in love with and the most important members of the team be taken out. So he'd screamed at them to get out of the way, and felt Blue respond to his thoughts, jumping in front of the blast and taking it head on, the force of it sending both him and his Lion spinning out of control. The last thing he remembered was the horrified screams of his teammates as he fell out of the wormhole and everything went black.

He coughed weakly, smiling. Oh yeah, he'd protected his team and fallen from the wormhole… but he had no idea where he was now, and Blue still hadn't woken up yet. He attempted to move his limbs, but they felt heavy and pain slammed into him like a freight train and he groaned, something digging into his stomach. His mouth and nose were filled with the taste and smell of rusted iron, and he was pretty sure that all that sand out the window mixed with patches of ice meant this planet was not a good place to be.

He figured, by the stars he could see out of the heads up display, that it was pretty late on this planet, and he shivered, suddenly cold. He hoped the others were all okay… He startled at the sound of static in his head, which sent more pain across his body and a fresh wave of iron-smell wafting up, and the static shifted to concerned growling as the cockpit slowly lit up, lights flickering and dim though somehow still working. He smiled weakly in relief.

“Blue… you're okay… that's good, I'm so glad...” He whispered, before coughing and choking on something in his throat. He spat out something dark and shiny onto the floor, and he shuddered when he realized it was blood. The entire cockpit was splattered with it, dripping slowly down the walls and dashboard and mainly puddled at his feet. Blue whimpered in worry for him, sending him images of how he looked.

He flinched. Parts of his armor were broken and lodged in his limbs, a particular shard of flexible metal wedged firmly through his left shoulder and a huge slash down his front, which was the main area he was bleeding out from. His helmet and the collar shield around his throat were shattered, which explained the prickling pain around his collarbone and the back of his neck. That blast had left him like a broken, cut up doll. He found the cause of the large slice down his front, a piece of the dash had broken off during the tumble and he'd been thrown against it, which is why he was now soaked with his own blood.

He grimaced. “Well, at least I'm not gonna die alone, 'ey Blue?” he joked weakly, and Blue growled at him, he shouldn't say that, he was going to be fine, the others would find them soon, if she could just get up and move-

“Blue, calm down. Moving too soon is only going to hurt you worse. I- I don't like it either, but I-” His throat closed up in grief for what he was about to do. “I hate not being able to tell them. All the things I wanted to say. To- To die without- without ever, telling Keith and Shiro how I felt even though they already have each other, or Pidge how she was like my little sister, or Hunk what a good bro he was or Allura and Coran how much I admired them for being so strong or never t-telling Mama and Papa why I h-had to go and-” he cut himself off with his own heaving sobs, Blue whimpering in sorrow along with him.

Calming himself down so that he didn't open his wounds further, he leaned his head back against the seat. Sniffling, he smiled weakly. “A-at least I had you with me, at the end. Hey, you'll treat the new Blue Paladin good for me, won'tchya Beautiful? Tell 'em how cool I was. Though they'll probably be way more useful to the team than I ever was...” He murmured, chest constricting in pain either from his injuries or his heart, he couldn't tell. Blue growled again, he shouldn't think like that, he was important…

He huffed out a grim laugh. “Well even if I was, nobody said anything did they? Even Hunk...” he trailed off. Blue hummed thoughtfully, then quietly brought up his earlier wish, not being able to send a message to his team. He raised an eyebrow, mentally giving her the go ahead to continue. She rumbled and brought up the fact, that if she directed enough power to the dashboard, she could bring up a holoscreen that could record him and anything he said, and save it to her memory to be shown later. If he liked, he could save a video for her to show them…

He smiled. “You're such a smart girl, you know that? Let's do it. So I don't have any regrets before I...” His smile slipped. Blue purred sadly and sure enough, less than a few minutes later a holoscreen popped up and reflected his face back. He winced, man did he look like shit, with a slice across his cheek and blood smeared all over. He looked up. “Hey Blue, we recording?” She rumbled an affirmative, a little red dot blinking in the corner of the screen as he turned to look. “Thanks girl.”

Clearing his throat, he offered a trembly smile and a tired wave with his less injured right arm, though it still had a bunch of cracks over the armor plating. “Hey guys, sorry you had to see me like this. I figured that since you won't find me in time, I'd leave you all a few words before… Well, anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm gonna miss you all a whole lot, even though I dunno if you'll care all that much. I decided to just get it all off my chest. Haha, get it? 'Cause I'm bleeding out from my… ahem, anyways, I have a few things to say to all of you, even Coran and Allura and the new Blue Paladin.” He explained, though he had to turn to cough up more blood.

Turning back, he grinned tiredly. “First up, Shiro and Keith. Guys, I can't even begin to explain how I feel about you two. Shiro, you're so cool and the best leader even when you don't think you are, and I admire you for that. You're so strong, keeping us all together even after what the Galra did to you, and the way you look at Keith is something I've only ever dreamed of having. Guess that's not happening, huh? And Keith, I'm sorry for being an asshole to you all the time, I just didn't know how else to push my feelings down, so I just pushed you away instead, and I hate myself for doing that. I've never hated you, not even at the Garrison. Truth was, I was a little jealous because I would never be able to match up to you, so I made up a self proclaimed rivalry with you just to make myself feel a little better. I'm a huge selfish jerk, huh?” He laughed weakly, before continuing.

“Truth is Keith, your piloting skills are top notch and your fighting skills are just as impressive. I loved watching you train on the deck, since it seemed like a deadly dance only you could pull off. And to be honest, I actually really like your mullet. So when you and Shiro started dating, it killed me a little inside. Because I was- I am in love with both of you and I hate myself because I don't want my feelings to ruin your relationship. I hope you both have a happy life after this whole Voltron thing. I love you guys, so very very much, and I had to say it now so I don't have any regrets after this.” He sniffled back the tears, telling himself to stay strong and stay awake because he needed to finish this before he went to sleep and never woke up.

“Next message goes to Hunk. Buddy, you were the best friend I could have ever had, my dude. I'm gonna miss your baking and your hugs. Nobody can compare to a Hunk-Hug. We were the best legs, right? Tell Shay I said hi, and that I'm sorry I won't be there when you finally ask her out. I know how much you wanted me there when you told her, since I'm- I was, your best wingman.” He shot the camera a wink and a shaky finger gun, his left arm gone numb and unresponsive. Shit, he was fading faster than he first thought. Coughing tiredly, he spat out more blood and cringed at the raw pain radiating through his body. Blue whimpered, she didn't like this. He patted the dash. “I- I'm okay Blue, I can keep going.”

He fixed his eyes back on the camera, black fuzzy dots drifting in and out of his vision. “Next up, is our resident gremlin Pidge. Man, you have no idea how many times I looked at you and saw one of my little sisters back home, running around and playing on the beach. I always thought of you as my little space sister, no joke. Which is always why I kept 'bothering you' whenever you were working for too long. Hey, Hunk, you'll make sure she eats and showers and sleeps for me, won't you? We can't have you tired out all the time Pidge, it's not good for your health. How are you supposed to rescue your brother and your dad when you're too tired to see straight?” He scolded lightly, raising an eyebrow even though moving too much really fuckin' hurt right now.

“Point is, Pidge, you've gotta take better care of yourself now. I'm not gonna be there anymore to slam your laptop shut and make sure you get some food goo in that twiggy body of yours.” His face softened. “I hope you find your family soon, Pidge. I'm gonna miss you, even though I never really thought you'd ever miss me. It kinda hurt, really, every time you snapped at me to go away or to stop talking and let the intelligent people handle all the planning. I am smart, you just never really listened. Because that's what I am, right? The team joke? The seventh wheel when you count Allura and Coran? Heh. Well, whoever you guys choose as the new Blue Paladin will hopefully be a lot better that I was.” He sighed, reaching up to rub his eyes in exhaustion, hastily wiping away the water building up in them.

“Speaking of Allura and Coran, I've got some words for you too. Allura, I'm sorry for being a useless Paladin who's only skill was flirting and flying Blue long enough to allow Voltron to happen. Actually, no, wait, I was even bad at those two things. Sorry. I only ever flirted with you to try and keep the weight of this whole war off everyone's minds. I know it just annoyed you, and I'm real sorry about that. Well, at least you don't have to deal with it anymore, right? And Coran, I'm glad I could call you my friend. You were like my weird space uncle, and I'm glad I got to meet someone like you.”

He made a choked noise and turned his head to violently cough into his hand, the harsh movement tearing his wounds open further and blood dripping out a lot faster than before, some even leaking through his hand to drip onto the ground. Spitting out more blood, he turned to the camera, wheezing heavily. Blood now trickled down his chin, and Blue growled in concern.

“Haha, oops… looks like my time is almost up, huh? Better finish this… So, Allura and Coran, I wanted to tell you that you're both so strong and brave, because even though you miss Altea you're still here, fighting against the Galra and being badasses and I've never seen either of you stop to take a moment to mourn your old home. I'm pathetic compared to that, I couldn't even go a day without thinking of home or crying myself to sleep because I-I couldn't remember what my mama's voice sounded like or what my baby sister's middle name was… yet you two still stand strong and I admire you so much for that. I'm sorry I was a failure, I couldn't even get Blue back to you before I died.”

Blue growled at him for that, it was not his fault she couldn't move, he had no control over what had happened. He sniffled, tears spilling down his cheeks now, and he rubbed at his eyes futilely, his tears mixing with the blood on his face. His limbs felt heavy and everything was blurry and fading, and he was painfully aware of the faint sloshing in his lungs and the slowing of his heart in his red soaked chest.

“I, I don't think I can stay awake much longer, so this last part will have to be quick. To the new Blue Paladin, take good care of my team for me, will you? Make sure Pidge doesn't kill herself working to find her family, and drag Hunk from the kitchen if he's been stress baking for too long, and if Keith is missing for too long go to the training deck and shut it down before he hurts too much, and if you find Shiro wandering the halls at night go take him to Keith's room because he probably had a nightmare and needs to calm down.” He was babbling now, breaths shallow but heavy, but he refused to close his eyes before he finished relaying his message.

“Blue really likes it when you scrub her down after missions, and whatever you do don't use the green soap in the cabinets on her, she hates that stuff. Move my stuff into storage if you move into my old room, so that my family can have it once the war is over and the others can get back to Earth. I don't know what do do about the armor, it's pretty much trashed, sorry about that, but my bayard- sorry, it's yours now, I think it slid under the dash when me and Blue crashed...” He had to stop and cough up more blood before continuing. “A-and I ask that you tell my parents what h-happened to me. Tell my little siblings that I'm s-sorry I c-can't play with them on the beach anymore, and t-that my big brother c-can have my tablet since I-I don't need it anymore, and that I'm sorry I couldn't come home...” His eyes started to slide shut, and his body went limp, though he fought to keep his head up.

“Goodbye, g-guys. H-hasta la later, r-right? L-lo siento, bye… B-Blue, shut it down, I-I can't stay awake anymore...” He whimpered, and Blue shut off the recording, filing it away. Panting shallowly, he finally let himself sleep.

It hurt, it hurt so much, and he wanted to scream and flail and get whatever was hurting him away, but something held him down and he was just too tired and weak to fight back. He couldn't make anything move, couldn't breathe, couldn't hear or see anything, and his mouth tasted like blood. Blue purred in the back of his mind, strangely happy and reassuring, pushing calming thoughts into his head, that everything would be okay now, and he fell back into the darkness.

He woke up to a smooth wall of pale blue-green glass, and a familiar but dimly lit room. He didn't hurt anymore, which was the first thing he noticed. A soft hum echoed all around him, and he blinked sleepily as the wall of glass melted away and whatever force was holding him up released him and he fell forward.

Stumbling to his feet, he looked around, dazed and confused. Was- Was he dead? He very clearly remembered falling asleep in Blue… so why was he in the med bay at the Castle? Was this some sort of weird afterlife or something? Blinking, he looked around, standing getting easier as he slowly got used to being alive again. He squinted at a huge lump of what appeared to be various colored blankets against one of the nearby walls, his vision not exactly back to normal yet, and he took a few tentative steps towards it to examine it better.

Oh. Oh. it- It was the others, it was his team, all of them, even Allura and Coran! They all looked… really bad. Like they hadn't been taking care of themselves lately. Shiro had a lot of scruff on his jaw and a little on his neck, the bags under his eyes clearly defined on his somehow paler skin, and he looked absolutely exhausted as he leaned on Keith under a couple of black and red blankets. Keith was no better, his cheeks slightly sunken in and hair mussed up and dull, snoring softly as he rested his head against Shiro's chest.

Hunk was eagle spread on the ground, Pidge using his stomach as a pillow, yellow and green blankets tangled over their bodies. Pidge was thinner than he remembered, eyes nearly sunken in and dark circles under them, contrasting heavily to her sheet-white skin, glasses askew on her face. Hunk's eye bags weren't as noticeable as the others, but still there, and he snored quietly, open mouthed and drooling on the ground.

Allura and Coran were back to back against the wall, pink and teal blankets draped over them as they slept. Coran's hands were bandaged up, and Allura looked gaunt and a little frail. They both had dark circles under their eyes like the others, hair dull and skin almost dusty. Huffing in fond exasperation, he stumbled over and tugged the blankets up to properly cover his friends where the sheets had slipped off, before deciding to go see his favorite girl and figure out what the fuck was going on. Blue actually giggled in his mind a little, and he smiled.

The Castle was very dim, probably because it was the simulated equivalent to Earth night around here, but he managed to find his way down to the hangars. Blue's hangar was just past Black's, and he could have sworn the bigger Lion was watching him as he staggered almost drunkenly through the Black Den. Brushing it off as his overactive imagination, he slipped into the Blue Den and inhaled sharply. She was in pristine condition, looking just as gorgeous as the day he'd found her. Not a scratch or a speck of dust on her shining blue body. Awed, he moved forward to run his hand along the smooth metal surface of her paw, mouth twitching up in a grin as he felt more than heard her purr of delight.

“I missed you too Beautiful. You look so much better now that you're all fixed up. But, how? You were so damaged you couldn't move, repairs would have taken at least a few months at the latest...” He muttered, brow scrunching up in confusion. Blue hummed sadly. “How- How long was I asleep, anyways? I'm obviously not dead, so...” He trailed off as he heard rapid, pounding footsteps suddenly approaching his position, and he had less than ten seconds to wonder exactly what it was when his entire team burst into the hangar and literally group-tackled him to the ground, shouting his name frantically.

He yelped and flailed, falling back in shock and from the inertia of the others, though he felt a large, warm human hand cradle the back of his head before they all crashed to the floor. He coughed, the air knocked out of him, before he was pulled upright and into a huge group hug full of sobbing Paladins and Alteans right there on the tile in front of Blue, who purred with amusement. Pidge was practically glued to his front, Keith and Shiro on either side with arms wrapped firmly around him, Allura and Coran at his back with hands gripping his shoulders, and Hunk had pulled all of them into a huge hug pile on his lap, and everyone was crying their eyes out much to Lance's confusion.

“G-guys, what the-” Lance stammered, and got a light smack to the back of his head. He turned to look at Keith in order to fire off a sharp retort only to freeze at the agonized look on the Red Paladin's face. “You complete idiot! D-don't you ever s-scare us like this ever again! Do you have any idea how scared we were when we s-saw you go down?!?” Keith hissed, tears still streaming down his face as he hiccuped quietly. Pidge sniffled from where her face was pressed against his shirt. “We- We n-nearly didn't find you in time, oh god, it was so awful, y-you weren't b-breathing and there was s-so much blood and your heart s-stopped just before we got you into the pod and-” Pidge cut herself off with a pained wail and continued to soak the med suit he was still wearing with a fresh wave of tears.

Lance felt bad for the younger girl, having to see something as grisly as that. “Oh.” he murmured, tentatively placing a hand on the small girl's back and rubbing small, soothing circles there. He jolted when Shiro suddenly pulled him closer to bury his face in Lance's hair. “I had to carry you out, and I still have stains on my armor… Thank god you're okay, I nearly had a heart attack when I realized you weren't breathing.” The older paladin whimpered, and Lance relaxed his body and allowed Shiro to cry into his hair, reaching out with his free hand to grip at the human hand on his leg. “Sorry you had to see me like that...” Lance muttered, attempting to calm the Leader of Voltron. He inhaled sharply when he felt the distinct pressure of lips against his scalp, and his face flushed a little. Did- Did Shiro just-

His thoughts were cut off by a loud sniffle from Hunk. “Bro, I stress baked for weeks while you healed up! I'm pretty sure I baked enough cookies to feed the entire Balmera for a month!” Lance turned to look at his best friend. “Wait, what do you mean, weeks? How long was I in that pod?” He yipped, shocked. “Lance, your injuries were so severe you had to stay in the pod for over three of your Earth months.” Allura explained from her spot kneeling behind him, Coran nodding in all seriousness. “Three- Three whole months? Well, it would make sense, bleeding out that much and dying and all...” Lance muttered, Pidge nodding into his stomach.

“Blue… Blue showed us that video you made, by the way...” Keith grumbled, leaning forward to press his face into Lance's neck. Lance blushed bright red. “Oh no, Blue! I said only to show that after I actually died!” He wailed, glaring up at the big blue machine with betrayed embarrassment. Blue rumbled, it was the only way to get them to calm them down after his second month in the pod, they needed a distraction and she gave them one. Shiro chuckled. “I'm glad she showed us anyways, because it certainly cleared up a lot of things we needed to know...” The Black Paladin hummed, the tears on everyone's faces finally dying down.

Pidge reached up to pinch him. “Why didn't you ever say anything, dude? I never thought you were stupid, I just got frustrated too fast and took it out on you… and I'm really sorry about that… I promise to be nicer to you, just please, don't ever pull this stupid stunt ever again!” The Green Paladin scolded before hugging him even harder. “I- I see you as a brother too, okay? You- You don't replace Matt, but you're still a big brother to me all on your own. And I'm angry at myself for never you telling you that sooner, I guess I just thought you already knew.” She whimpered, and Lance smiled gently down at her. “Thanks, Pidge.” Keith was the next to speak up. “I- I'm sorry too. I like you a lot, Lance, just as much as I like Shiro. I- I thought that maybe you really did hate me, and it hurt, but I kept my feelings to myself instead of talking them out with you. Maybe if we had, none of this would have happened.” Lance blinked back tears at the confession before turning confusedly to Shiro, who smiled at him.

“I feel the same way as Keith does, Lance. I never saw you as useless, or a bad Paladin, but I guess I never told you any of that, did I? I'm really sorry about that, and I plan to make up for it in the present and in the future. It was… terrifying, to say the least, when we reached Blue on that planet and found you all… cut up and broken like that…” The older man shuddered, and Lance patted his hand reassuringly, urging him to continue. “The- The blood took a month to scrub out of Blue's cockpit, but we knew you'd be upset if we didn't take good care of your favorite girl, so all of us pitched in to help fix her up, good as new.” Shiro finished with a soft smile, and Lance hummed happily. “Thanks you guys. Blue says thanks as well.” Blue rumbled overhead, making the hangar vibrate gently with her purring.

Allura spoke up from behind him, adding in her own two cents. “I suppose I've never shown my support to you either. I apologize Lance, I have not once thought of you as an incompetent Paladin. Yes, the flirting was a little annoying, but I always thought it a part of your natural personality. You are an excellent shot, and you really do brighten the ship's atmosphere and keep all of us happy and healthy and cared for. You are so much more important than you realize, and I'm sorry I never informed you of that sooner.” The Princess explained solemnly, Coran nodding in agreement behind her.

Lance grinned. “Thanks, that means a lot.” The sentimental moment was cut short by the growling of Lance's stomach, which for some reason set of a chain reaction of giggles. “Alright, how about we all go get some food?” Shiro stated once the chuckle fest died down. A chorus of “Hell yes!” and “Sounds good.” echoed the statement, and before Lance knew it he was being scooped up princess style by Shiro and carried to the kitchen.

The whole incident was not without it's after effects, however. On the good side, Lance gained two new boyfriends who practically smothered him in affection, and surprisingly enough it was Keith who was the clingy one of the three, always wanting to hold onto Lance's arm or hand, and absolutely adored the group cuddles, usually nuzzling his way into a lap or a neck. Lance blamed it on the Galra genes, but enjoyed the attention anyways. He was praised more, and he slowly started feeling more like a part of the team, Pidge being much less harsh and having more of a grumbling acceptance when he pulled her away from her laptop, but much more compliant as she now recognized it as Lance just looking out for her.

On the other hand, the crash had left him traumatized, though he tried really hard not to show it. The first few weeks after falling out of the pod, he couldn't get into Blue's cockpit without having a panic attack, memories of a crushing, tearing pain in his chest and limbs and liquid in his lungs, the sickening feeling of being unable to breathe and the faint terror in the back of his mind that he was dying in that seat. Blood covered walls and bits of armor sticking out his body like some kind of sick pincushion. The first time it happened, Blue had panicked as well and roared for Black and Red to get their Paladins.

Lance didn't leave their room for a few days, shaky and scared, but he had his boyfriends and team to care and soothe him, so he felt better after a while. He'd already explained to Blue that it wasn't her fault at all, he still loved her very much, he still adores hanging around her, but he just can't fly her for a little while.

Sometimes though, he'd wake up after a nightmare, hallucinating that his lungs were full of blood again, or that his arm was numb and he couldn't move, or one particularly bad flashback of the ion cannon beam hitting Blue and the terrifying free-fall sensation when they fell out of the wormhole. It was nights like those where he had to be cradled in Shiro's arms, Keith shushing him quietly while rubbing his back as the Blue Paladin sobbed into his bigger boyfriend's chest, Blue rumbling in concern for her little pilot.

After those kinds of nights, Hunk would gift him lots of freshly baked alien cookies reminiscent of vanilla and cinnamon sugar cookies with white chocolate chips, and Pidge would sit on the table next to him while he snacked on the cookies and talk to him about anything and everything to take his mind off of his dream. He was grateful for his team most of all during those days.

He planned to always make sure they knew he cared for them just as much as they did for him, and one day while flying Blue over a new planet with a glittering ocean that looked almost exactly like Veradero beach, he thought of both of his homes and swore to protect them, the one on Earth and the one here, with him, in space.

//i dunno if I like the ending but I gotta end it somewhere lol. What do you think of this angst fest starring my favorite blue boy? I hate myself for doing this to him, so I gave it a sort of happy ending! So, lemme know if you cried because tears fuel my motivation tank and I am an evil motherfucker sometimes, hit me with your salt, I can take it my dudes! try me! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

[mychemicalginger]

Thanks @weirdnproudofit​ for the tag! I love these things!

Nickname: Ray (or Rae depending on preference) Mama Ray (which I got from Uni because I’m about eight years older than the rest of my course)

Zodiac: Leo!

Height: 5′2? 5′3? I dunno for sure, I haven’t checked in a while.

Last movie I saw:  I randomly was really in the mood to watch a Knights Tale the other night. (Seems appropriate, it’s based of the Canterbury tales apparently and that’s where I live now so)

Last thing I googled:  ‘Garages near me’ really boring, my car’s due for it’s MOT and because I haven’t lived here that long I don’t know where they are! I wish I could say it was one of my random writing searches but sadly not.

Favourite musician: My favourite band of all time is probably My Chemical Romance (hence the URL) I mean I have other favourites too (Queen, Fleetwood Mac, Twin Atlantic) but MCR started it all off. For solo act... Probably David Bowie. 

Song stuck in my head:  It’s actually an original song written by a friend on my course! She’s writing a musical and so she keeps playing me the new songs she’s made for it (largely because I keep asking) and they’re so good!

Other blogs: I have them technically buuuuut I haven’t used them in yeeeeears, I might make one for the comic I’m writing when it’s more developed, but I do have an instagram and a deviant art for my comic! (if anyone’s interested the username of both is Aphervia - the name of the comic, it’s heavily inspired by Dragon Age! Please read it when I make it guys)

Do I get asks: Only when I reblog prompts and stuff, and more so about my Dragon Age headcanons then personal stuff which is fair enough, I like going on about my Dragon Age headcanons (like enough so that it was in part what inspired the comic)

Following: 333 - Oooh very neat number. I think a lot of them are probably inactive now because I swear I only see like the same 20 people (which is fine because I like those same 20 people!)

Amount of sleep:  Depends on the day... I vary a lot, (thanks mental illness for that) I tend to struggle to fall asleep then when I do I sleep for like 10 hours or something ridiculous

Lucky number: Uuuuuuh.... 24?

What I’m wearing: Harry Potter pajamas. I’m tired, I’ve been studying and working all day and my back hurts so I got in pajamas and lied down.

Dream job: Ooooh there’s a question. See I don’t really have one dream job, I get bored of things and want to focus on something else if I do just one thing for too long, which is part of why I chose my degree in music, I can teach singing, produce, songwrite, preform etc. But my dream job would be Singer, songwriter, comic book artists and author. So Basically being Gerard Way.

Dream trip: Okay this requires revealing some sad back story info to get the picture - so I went to Disneyland with a friend who treated me pretty terribly the whole trip, like my mental health was playing up already so they yelled at me for being depressing and ruining the trip, then after I explained what happened, yelled at me for not saying anything sooner until I had a full on hyperventilating panic attack. I don’t talk to them anymore but even they admitted afterwards they had gone way too far on the trip so my dream trip now is going back to Disneyland but with friends who I have healthy relationships with.

Play any instruments: I mostly sing (I don’t care what idiots say, I took lessons and had to learn technique and music theory to do it, IT COUNTS!) but I do play a little bit of guitar and piano too. I’m not very good at them though, mainly I just sing.

Languages: Basically just English. I can do some french, like if I’m reading french I’ll recognize a couple of words and I can usually just about figure out what they’re talking about but that’s about it.

Favourite songs: Oh my gosh this changes sooo much. Okay right now it’s Dasher by Gerard Way, Hammer to Fall by Queen, Laika by Kill Hannah, Space Dementia by Muse, All through the night by Cyndi Lauper and Ex El by Twin Atlantic. Of ALL TIME EVER it’s probably The Chain by Fleetwood Mac, Life of Mars? by David Bowie, Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance, Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, Rebel Girl by Bikini Kill, Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis, How Soon is Now by The Smiths and You Know You’re Right by Nirvana - I’m probably going to post this and go ‘Oh damnit I should have added these fifty songs...) but oh well

Random fact: Ooh... What random fact do I use? Oh! I met Frank Iero one time! In Coventry of all places, my friend went to uni there a few years ago and I went to visit and Mallory Knoxs were playing a gig there with Frank Iero supporting, I was really hoping I’d get to meet him so we hung out inside the venue for like ten minutes because sometimes they come out to sign things but no luck. We decided to look at the merch booth before leaving, went to approach it when a security guard said ‘guys if you want autographs can you join the que?’ and I was like ‘what? with who?’ looked over his shoulder and Frank was right behind him meeting people and I just screamed internally throughout queing, meeting him and the next month... And whenever I think about it.

I have nooooo idea who to tag and my brain doesn’t work so good right now, too tired so if you’re reading this, you’re tagged!

[littleredsgalaxy]

I am sad. I don't mean "oh something just happened so I feel upset today". No. I mean I am a sad person. I wish I wasn't and I try my hardest to be.. I try to mask it, hide it, ignore it and even pretend I am not but the reality is that's who I am. My life events have broke me too many times and no matter how much I have tried to pick up the pieces, I continue to fall right back apart. It sucks. For one, I don't have a family. I mean I do, but they don't care for me and have neglected me since I was born. I have grown up in an unloving environment my entire life. Can you imagine what it feels to know absolutely NO ONE in your family cares for you? That they only use you? That they never ask how you're doing, always disregard your feelings, always blame your existence for everything wrong in their life, never say I love you, never bother learning anything about you because they simply don't care. But they care for your siblings. You watch your family how they treat your siblings and always wonder... How come I don't get that same love and attention? What did I do..? Why am I not special? I didn't choose to come into this world, y'all brought me.. why do you treat me like I ruined your life or like I'm worth nothing? Anyway, it's ok. I came to terms with my family when I was probably 12. The thing is, I made up that gap by making my friends my family. And that is probably where I went wrong. See I care for my friends like they're my family. And while that may sound cute and all, it isn't. I have this obsessive need of taking care of everyone because I have never had anyone take care of me. I will be that friend who does anything and everything to ensure my friends are happy even if I'm unhappy myself, I am that friend who will pay for everything for you even if I am broke, I am that friend constantly going above and beyond to ensure everyone feels special and worthy even if they don't do the same. I am that friend who gets betrayed and screwed over, but still sees the good side in others and forgives continuously because well, I love y'all. My mentality has always been well, "they're my family. Family always stays together. (At least, that's what I imagine..) If you ever have a big fight with your sibling, which I'm sure it happens, you may say and do ugly things to each other, but at the end of the day, they're still your sibling no matter what." That has been my mentality always. This has allowed "friends" to use me and take advantage of me time after time over the years, and you'd think I'd learn, but nope. I can't tell you how many "friends" have fucked me over and I'm still like "it's ok". How many people have broken my heart and I still love them with every piece. Why am I like this? Idk. I don't know how to love, at least not the normal way. When I love someone, I love the shit out of them, no matter what. But people aren't like that, and I've slowly come to figure that while that's MY mentality, it definitely isn't everyone's. While I continue to love and care for people like family, I am just a friend. A disposable friend they can take advantage of, use for their benefit until they're like K don't really care for ya really so ima do some shitty thing and not care about your feelings or you really. While I hurt and cry over loss of friends because it feels I lost a family member, they can easily be like "whatever, done, bye". And I just don't get it. Like, I do, but I don't understand how can people be like that.... How can you not care for someone who's only done you right? Granted, I'm not perfect, I have plenty of flaws but I only ever have good intentions. I truly care and I am genuine when I speak. Everything I do comes from my heart. So I guess it's really hard to understand how the people who all I've done is be a GREAT FUCKING FRIEND TO are the ones who do the shittiest things to me. Can't tell you how many times... how many awful things my "best friends" have done to me. It never ends. I think I have a total of 5 friends who genuinely see my worth and love me for me and not what I can do for them. Sadly, none of them live in the same state I'm in. And it sucks... I cry every day by myself because I feel so fucking alone. I am surrounded by people who say they love me and care for me blah blah but now I know better. Ain't nobody got me like I got them. I am aware they're all serving a temporary purpose until they quickly fade as well. Trust, I've gone through it enough to know. So I play along... I'll hangout and be the same kickass friend I've always been... but I know when it comes to battles and such, I gotta do that alone. I don't share my feelings anymore. I can be laughing having the time of my life with friends and then I go home and cry myself to sleep. (Not without dealing with my shitty family first, of course) On top of all this, I'm going through something pretty dramatic with my health.... and I've had to deal with it alone. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of having no one truly care for me. I'm tired of knowing I got y'all, but none of you got me. I am tired of thinking I have friends but they all go ghost when they don't need me. I am tired of going to doctors appointments alone. I am tired of people telling me how much they love me, that I'm their best friend and all kinds of crap but at the end of the day their words and their actions don't match. I'm tired of knowing people are using me and I let them anyway. I'm tired of knowing I would choose someone every time but they wouldn't choose me. I am tired of being unappreciated. I keep hoping my time for finding people who appreciate my worth will come..... but I'm 23 years old and I've had a life time of people who are all the same. All fake, all disappointing... Often I think, when I die, will these people be the ones posting collages and IG collages about how great I was, say all kinds of positive things about me, how much they'll miss me... or whatever when honestly they all destroyed me little by little in some sort of way? Probably, and I'll be doing some serious haunting. I love you all enough to let you hurt me, to always put you first because I know I don't matter nearly enough. Ain't nobody know me, no one is there for me and ain't nobody love me for real. But it's ok.. I've come to terms I will always be alone, surrounded by people sure but truly and honestly alone. With some music, tv and weed as my companions. Stop fucking with me life... idk how much more I can take. Can people stop pretending to be something they're not? Stop saying you care for me when you're actually being really shady behind my back. Stop lying to me.... Because I might actually believe you and end up screwed and back at square one. Sigh... Like I said, I'm a sad person, and I always will be.

[sense8-sonder]

Shamchat RP

This is a conversation between Death and yourself, Lonely Lady.

Death: It is time.

Lonely Lady: Time? For what?

Death: Time to ferry you to the afterlife.

Lonely Lady: Oh. Already?

Death: Yes.

Lonely Lady: Could we...I mean, if you wouldn't mind. Could we take a walk first? I don't think I'm ready just yet.

Death: Sigh...so long as you know, taking a walk doesn't prolong the inevitable. Especially since it already happened.

Lonely Lady: Oh, no, yes, of course. I'm not running, I just...it's so beautiful here. I don't want to leave just yet. A short stroll along the water would be nice before we go.

Lonely Lady: Do you like the water? I do. I find it...peaceful. Calming.

Death: Yes. Water is nice. Relaxing.

Death: We can take a walk.

Lonely Lady: Are you cold? I know it's a bit chill out, given that it's only just February, but those robes do seem fairly thick. Do you get cold easy?

Death: It's hard to get cold without skin, miss. But thank you for your concern.

Lonely Lady: Fair enough, fair enough. How is that, if I may ask? Not having skin, that is. Is it something that happened, or just how you were...were you born? Created?

Lonely Lady: Death as a concept is easy to conceive, but as a real person, it's all a bit...fuzzy.

Death: That's a fickle matter. I don't know if I was born or created, but since there has been life, I have existed.

Death: It was easy, in the early years. Things didn't have souls. No need to ferry them. Then sentient life came into being and it became harder. Much harder.

Lonely Lady: Oh, I don't doubt that it has, but in what way? I mean, physically, it must be difficult, I'm guessing a lot of people are scared or shocked and try to flee, yeah? But is it hard emotionally? Mentally? I can't imagine you can go so long on your own without feeling some sort of burden.

Death: It's tiring. I don't need rest, but I feel tired. So many souls, each with their own regrets.

Death: At first I tried to pray for each and every soul lost but...what's the point? I've seen where they're going personally. I know they'll never get over not seeing their friends and family ever again...

Lonely Lady: I know I'm probably not allowed to ask what happens to them--us--I don't even know if I'd want to know. But...can I ask if they're all like that? Isn't there anyone that, I don't know...dies happy? No regrets, no pain, no missing; just...happy.

Death: A few. Just today I ferried a little girl named Poppy. She had no regrets and just wanted to have tea with me.

Lonely Lady: Oh, that is precious. Do you like tea? Do you even...I mean, do you require...can you eat? And drink?

Death: I don't need nourishment, and I can't taste anything.

Lonely Lady: I'd offer my condolences, but I feel as though they'd be wasted. You seem to be alright with who you are, or at least accepting of it. Do you have any regrets?

Death: Regrets... People I couldn't ferry. It's a fate much worse than eternal punishment.

Lonely Lady: Why couldn't you ferry them..?

Death: They refused. They ran away. I couldn't catch them.

Lonely Lady: *gently touches your arm* I'm sorry they ran. If it's any consolation, I don't believe there's anything you could have done to change it. You're a very...*searching for the word*...welcoming person. A comfort, really.

Lonely Lady: *quietly, to self* Perhaps that's just me.

Death: *Death would smile if he could* Thank you, miss. What about yourself? We've been talking all about me, but what about you?

Lonely Lady: Me? Oh, well, I'm an open book! *throws arms wide in an over-enthused gesture* What would you like to know?

Death: Let's start with your name and what you did for a living.

Lonely Lady: Samantha. Well, Sam, really. Some of my friends call me Sammy.

Lonely Lady: You can, if you like.

Death: That's a pretty name, Sammy.

Lonely Lady: *laughs* Oh, sure it is. Thank you though...what should I call you?

Lonely Lady: Is Death a formal thing, or do you prefer it or something else?

Death: Call me whatever you like. I have no preference for any name.

Lonely Lady: Aye aye, sir Deathly McDeatherson.

Death: Heh. Cute. What was your job while living?

Lonely Lady: Well, that's a bit, er, complicated I suppose? Although, I guess not really, you've probably experienced a lot of complicated things. I'm babbling, anyway. I used to work at a Taco Bell, cashier; it was sort of lame, but I mean, I liked it, for the most part! Up until about a year ago, at least. I had some health complications, mental, physical, psychological; whole nine yards sort of thing. Seizures are not fun, by the way, don't recommend them. Had to stop working after that.

Death: Oh. My apologies. That must've been very hard for you.

Lonely Lady: Nothing to apologize for, really. Things like that just sort of happen in life; you don't really have any more control over that than I do, ha. *smiles sadly*

Death: ...Any hobbies?

Lonely Lady: ART!

Lonely Lady: Oh, jeeze, that was loud.

Lonely Lady: I, um, I like...art. Photography, mostly. But everything, really. Sketching, painting, sculpting...I'm going to college to be a graphic designer! Or, well, I was, I guess I should say.

Death: You were quite talented then. I would have loved to see your work. And you seem a lot nicer than other artists I've ferried.

Lonely Lady: *blushes and stutters* Well, I-I wouldn't say ~talented~ really, I, um, I just sort of never could stick to just one thing, if that makes sense. It was all so...different and beautiful and fun...*drifts off*....*softly* I really loved it.

Lonely Lady: *shakes head* Anyway! Me? Nice? Aww, shucks, mate! Nicer than who?

Death: Pretty much every artist except Bob Ross had something really rude to say while they were on my boat.

Death: Picasso was childish and kept complaining about trivial things. Van Gogh got pissy with me because he had his ear back. Hitler was...well, Hitler.

Death: And DaVinci was legitimately crazy! He kept trying to poke around me, looking for things he hadn't seen on skeletons when he was alive. Then he just went on and on,about medieval robots and the like.

Lonely Lady: *laughing* That sounds like something fitting to DaVinci. Did he?

Lonely Lady: Find anything he hadn't seen on skeletons before, I mean.

Death: No. He got mighty upset at that. I almost chucked him into Styx, but I figured he'd try to divert the river elsewhere and ruin my job...

Lonely Lady: *snort* You're rather funny, you know that?

Lonely Lady: Curious, though, if you think about it. You're a human skeleton, but you've existed since before humans. Or do you change? I mean, have you always been this way, or are you more of a...*waves hand in circles*...like a consciousness that can be transferred? Or a visual illusion, perhaps?

Lonely Lady: Sorry. I ask a lot of questions...

Death: It's fine. And I'm made to upkeep fate, and fate decided that the first sentient lifeforms on Earth would be human. Only fitting that I'd be a human skeleton then, eh?

Lonely Lady: *smiles* I'd say so. Quite so. The boney look suits you, yeah?

Lonely Lady: Wait, what about, like, dolphins? Or apes? Are they really as smart as we think they are, like, are they sentient to some degree? Or are they just really crafty animals?

[yesabbylouise-blog]

100 Questions about me ❤️😇

If numbers skip, it cause I didn't want to answer those questions, so I deleted them. 1: Is there a boy/girl in your life? Yes.❤️ 2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them? Yes. I forgive easily. 3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?” A cat 4: What’s something you really want right now? Chinese & a hug 5: Are you afraid of falling in love? Always. 6: Do you like the beach? Yes. 7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else? Yes. 8: What’s the background on your cell? Me holding hands with my best friend Esmi & palm trees. 9: Name the last four beds you were sat on? Mine, my moms, Esmi's & Courtney's 10: Do you like your phone? Eh. It has cracks. But, it works and I have one so I'm luckier then most people. 11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned? With life, no. Haha. 12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts? My friend Molly 13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? Poodle 14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional 15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Zoo 16: Are you tired? Always. 17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact? Since birth 18: Are they a relative? Yes. 19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? No. 20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with? Last night. 21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today? No. Too young, not ready. 22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? No. It was a mistake. 23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? None. 24: Is there a certain quote you live by? "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." 25: What’s on your mind? A lot. 26: Do you have any tattoos? No, but I do kind of want one. A small one. 27: What is your favorite color? Aqua Blue 28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? Who knows. Probs a long while. 29: Who are you texting? Nobody. Everyone is sleeping. 30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch? No. 31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right? Yes. 32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yes. 33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know of one person For SURE. 34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes. All the time actually. 35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you? Good for them. 36: Were you single on Valentines Day? Since 7th grade, yeah. 😂 37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed? Yeah. 38: What do your friends call you? Abbz & Abigail (even though I hate that) 39: Has anyone upset you in the last week? Yes. 40: Have you ever cried over a text? Yes. 41: Where’s your last bruise located? My leg 42: What is it from? No idea honestly. 43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad? Just like 2 days ago. 44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Esmi 45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes? No. I wear whatever I'm comfortable with and that look nice. 46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day? No. I own my bad hair days. 47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style? Yes. If my friend got cancer I would rock it with her. For sure. 48: Do you make supper for your family? Nope. I don't really have anyone besides my mom and we usually eat out. 49: Does your bedroom have a door? Yes. 50: Top 3 web-pages? Facebook, Tumblr, & my online school 51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping? No. 52: Does anything on your body hurt? My head always hurts. 53: Are goodbyes hard for you? Yes. 54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself? Coffee 55: How is your hair? In a bun, cause I should be asked. 56: What do you usually do first in the morning? Check my phone 57: Do you think two people can last forever? Yes. 58: Think back to January 2007, were you single? No. 59: Green or purple grapes? Purple. Green is sour. 60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug? Probably tomorrow. I love hugs!!! 61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Yeah. 62: When will be the next time you text someone? In the morning. 63: Where will you be 5 hours from now? In my bed still. 64: What were you doing at 8 this morning. Sleeping 65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked? A guy named Austin 66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? Yes. 4 people. 67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Yes. 68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? "I hope my mom is going to be okay." 69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? Yes. Usually often I put too much of myself into things and they get out of hand and I ruin things. 70: How many windows are open on your computer? 3. Facebook, Tumblr & YouTube 71: How many fingers do you have? 5 on each hand, 10 (; 72: What is your ringtone? Closer - Chainsmokers 73: How old will you be in 5 months? Still 18 74: Where is your mom right now? Sleeping peacefully, hopefully in her room. 75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love? Because I can't trust him enough. He played me hard and the trust just got lost. 76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? Yes. 77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago? Yes. 78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7? Cody Blair & Jesse Kaelberer 79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike? Yes. My dad and an Xbox buddy! 80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms? Yes. 81: How many people have you liked in the past three months? 2 82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days? No.. I don't think so. 83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight? Haha. I hope so. I would like to think we could talk all day! 84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Esmi, Courtney, Nae-Nae, Danny, Kylee, Austin.. Uhh my besties. ❤️ 85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care? I mean, if it got out of hand, yes. But I have done some twice, and I don't find myself really into it anymore. But I sure can't judge no. 86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie? The movie? 87: Who was your last received call from? Esmi 88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? No! :( 89: What is something you wish you had more of? Confidence 90: Have you ever trusted someone too much? Sadly, yeah. 91: Do you sleep with your window open? Sometimes. 92: Do you get along with girls? Yes. 93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No. I don't think so. 94: Does sex mean love? No. Love is deeper than sex. 95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem? No. We wouldn't do anything but talk. 96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? No. 97: Did you sleep alone this week? No. I slept with my friends and my mom. Tonight I am alone. Finally. Blanket hogs (; 98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you? Yes. 99: Do you believe in love at first sight? No. 100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise? I honestly have no idea. But I made a swear vow with some friends at a party that we wouldn't tell things. * 1. Last kiss - Austin * 2. Last phone call - Esmi * 3. Last text message - brother * 4. Last song you listened to - shape of you - ed sheeran * 5. Last time you cried - yesterday * HAVE YOU EVER: * 6. Dated someone twice - Yes *roll eye emoji* * 7. Been cheated on - yes * 8. Self harmed - yes * 9. Lost someone special - yes * 10. Been depressed - yes * 11. Been drunk and threw up - nope 😇 * THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: * 12. had sex - no. I'm a virgy! * 13. How many people have you had sex with this year? None. I'm a child of God. * 15. Made a new friend - tons! * 17. Laughed until you cried - oh yeah! * 18. Met someone who changed you - yeah. :) * 19. Found out who your true friends were - yeah * 20. Found out someone was talking about you - yeah * 26. What did you do for your last Birthday - went to a fancy dinner buffet at Mystic Lake and gambled! * 27. What time did you wake up today - 10:40ish * 29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - graduation * 30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time - today * 31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - not be so depressed all the time and to live a little * 32. What are you listening to right now - my fan making noises * 33. When is the last time you had sex? I haven't had sex yet. * 34. Who's getting on your nerves right now - no one. * 35. Most visited webpage - tumlr * 36. Favorite colour - aqua blue * 37. Nicknames - Abbz or peanut * 38. Relationship Status - single but not available * 39. Zodiac sign - aquarius * 40. Male or female - female * 44. Eye color - grayish blue * 46. Height - 5'3" * 47. Do you have a crush on someone - Yes❤️😇 * 48. What do you like about yourself - I'm easy to talk too and approach! * 49. Piercings - Ears * 50. Tattoos - no but I want one * 51. Righty or lefty Righty * FIRSTS: * 53. First piercing - my ears * 54. First best friend - my mom * 55. First hookup - I'm a virgin * 56. First Bestfriend: my mom? * RIGHT NOW: * 59. Eating: nothing * 60. Drinking: nothing * 61. I'm about to: go to sleep * 62. Listening to: my fan making noises * 63. Waiting for: this to be done * YOUR FUTURE: * 64. Want kids? Eventually. * 65. Get married? Yeah. * 66. Career: Nurse or Mental health counselor * WHICH IS BETTER: * 67. Lips or eyes: eyes * 68. Hugs or kisses: both!!! But hugs * 69. Shorter or taller: taller * 70. Older or Younger: younger * 71. Romantic or spontaneous: romantic * 72. Nice stomach or nice arms: neither really matter, but stomach. * 73. Sensitive or loud: loud * 74. Hook-up or relationship: relationship * HAVE YOU EVER: * 76. Kissed a stranger: no * 77. Drank hard liquor: yes * 78. Lost glasses/contacts: no * 79. Had sex: omg no * 80. Broken someone's heart: yes * 82. Been arrested: no * 83. Turned someone down: yes * 84. Cried when someone died: yes * 85. Fallen for a friend: yes * DO YOU BELIEVE IN: * 86. Yourself: yeah * 87. Miracles: yeah * 88. Love at first sight: no * 89. Heaven: yeah * 90. Santa Clause: omg yeaaaahhh.. (kidding) * 91. Kiss on the first date: if the moment feels right, goes with the flow, yeah! * 92. Angels: yes. * 93. How would you label yourself? dope asf' * 94. Someone You Pray Everyday For: I don't pray everyday, but if I did, everyone. * 95. Did you sing today: yess * 96. Who From All Your Ex's have You Cared The Most About: no really an ex but, Jayce * 97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? 2001 * 98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For: that my children have a great life and my parents get everything they deserve in life. * 99. Are you afraid of falling in love? Always. * 100. Do you like the way you look? Sometimes. But not really. I like my face & just not the chubby flubbery face and body.

[marieabanga]

  I used to wonder as a child, why one parent beat me up so often and even ‘mercilessly’, while the other had discussions with me especially when I did something they or everyone was not so proud of. The only time this other parent gave me a total of 8 lashes, was when I broke the TV set (unintentionally of course – but then again…) back in 1985 when TVs especially in my country cameroon in West Africa, were still a big thing. Back then, TVs slept in your parents’ room or were locked up in an iron cage in the living room for fear of robbers. I used to wonder if this other parent who would use phrases such as ‘I will skin you alive’, thought of the adverse childhood experiences that trauma could and indeed has come to have in my life today. My relationship with this parent is still strained today although we are on terms with that past (I have long made my peace with all of that); that with the other parent has survived and it is still on discussions’ level especially when there is any issue at stake.

With the above example from my own life, I want to look at the possibility of a violence free world if we become aware of what we get when we are violent in anyway. Was it worth it all those violent outbursts of anger and relay of frustrations on the kid I was and was just trying to be? What was achieved if anything at all? What is the consequences today, not only on our relationship but on the other ones we have with others?

I will again be candid here, intending to spark serious reflections into the imperative need to commit to a world free of violence starting right there in our home and not on the streets or in conferences.

The first answer to my own rhetoric question is no; no it was worth the ‘skinning me alive’ – all that made me more rebellious and ‘difficult’ to handle. I recall today I would just dissociate at some point and one day ended up collapsing and only found myself in bed all embalmed. I wish I could say that was the last time I was violated and abused as a child. What could be achieved after such violence? Hate, loathing, spite, urge for revenge whichever way possible, more rebellion and the list goes on. But, we have I must admit, a two side coined consequence. I emphasize on this ‘two side’ because it could have been a single consequence: ‘More violence’ even if only subtle say non communications or outbursts of rage and tantrums into adulthood and ruined relationships. But, in my case, I am happy to say while the relationship with parent took big hits and is still on its way to recoveryville, I decided long ago I wasn’t going to ever ‘skin any child alive’. Indeed, my 4 sons know I don’t do beatings, I hold discussions or find alternative ways of dealing with what issue comes up.

I couldn’t some how for the sanity of me ever understand why one parents had to ‘hate’ me so to find violence the only or best way possible to call me to order, which one I still don’t know since it would appear even up till date they still think I am ‘a lost case’ needing some further call to order.

Violence does not necessarily result only in violence; indeed it leads very often to worst case scenarios. Lives may be lost completely, or to a mental health disorder, relationships may be forever ruined, the children may grow up so volatile they become easy preys for gangs, armed rebellion, drugs and debauchery, in short any and all things contrary to what must have ever been foreseen in the beginning. Girls may grow up so insecure and fall prey to abusive relationships, unwanted pregnancies or further gender based violence. What kind of mothers and parents/partners can they be expected to become or replicate?

Non violence is possible. I enrolled in an online course on non-violent communication last year and it was such a turning point. When one of my sons was ‘mercilessly’ spanked by a teacher in school because as a 9 year active child he wasn’t expected to be talking in class when bored, I opted for non-violent but firm communication until the issue was resolved to my satisfaction. The teacher met with the dean of studies and myself, we reviewed what happened and why, we looked at alternative ways all that could have been handled, we appreciated the issue currently at stake and the consequences if I pressed charges both with the school administration and the national delegation of education, and he made all amends as tabled including apologizing to my son and his classmates. I organized a talk and he shared our experience in a light manner, encouraging his colleagues not to resort to violence in school again.

That is the commitment I am talking about. It is possible, we have to give it a chance; It however has to start from the ‘grass roots’ that is from our own homes. In my neighbourhood, I am known as the ‘lawyer of children’. When I moved in here in 2016, one particular neighbour made me have violent flashbacks because they were always on their 4 year old ‘skinning the poor child alive’. One day, I refused to ‘mind my business’, and stormed to their gate hitting same with so much anger in me. When they finally opened up, I told them I was calling the commissioner of police for our area because they had no right to beat up a child like that (it mattered not if it were their child as they initially insisted). Their spouse probably tired by then to make any attempt at getting the beating to stop, just watched as our ‘drama unfolded’. Anyway, my involvement put an end to those beatings and the news spread in the neighbourhood like a wild fire – even spouses ever on each other’s neck started reviewing all that thereafter.

I don’t beat and all the other kids especially the young girls who are still sadly over laden with the chores more than the boys, love playing in my compound or just being around me, especially those termed ‘difficult’. I hold neighbourhood gatherings as part of activities of my association Hope for the Abused and the Battered, as well the other one I am involved in as Secretary General called Ripples of love – a name I am proud to say I chose.

Love is all we need; love is what we get when we sow love and not violence; a violence free world is possible let’s all commit to giving it a chance and be the hope for the world we want. Let’s have discussions on the table and not use our hands, whips or guns.

I am doing a fundraising campaign to open a mental health care support center for my association Hope for the Abused and Battered. If you can donate or share the campaign, please do. Attached is the budget in PDF, who knows where a funder or partner can be found?

budget mhbudget mhcsc and shelter 05.01.19 p1 budget mhcsc and shelter 05.01.19 p2csc and shelter 05.01.19 p2

A World free of Violence is possible: Let’s commit to giving this a chance I used to wonder as a child, why one parent beat me up so often and even ‘mercilessly’, while the other had discussions with me especially when I did something they or everyone was not so proud of.

[cbltlifestyleblog]

My Skin Journey...

My skin has been a delicate ecosystem my whole life. When I was a baby I had eczema all over my body. With the help of topical creams and washes, and of course with the loving care of my Mammy- my eczema was cured. My skin following this was perfect, and I always put that down to the treatment I received as a baby.

However this all changed in August/ September 2016. All the way through puberty I was relatively lucky with my skin- maybe only having 2 or 3 small spots on average. But I started getting large painful spots all over my face, especially in the cheek region. At first I didn't know how to feel about it but I just assumed that it was a phase and would pass, sadly it wasn't as temporary as I thought. It is only now (march 2018) that I can see an obvious improvement on my acne and it was a long and difficult journey getting here.

So as I said, my first reaction to the spots was acceptance because I was sure it would pass. At this time I had started a PLC course which meant I could wear more makeup than I usually did, during my Leaving Cert I didn't bother with makeup and my skin wasn't bad. So makeup was my first course of action in fighting my acne.

Makeup is a catch-22 for acne. Yes, your skin appears perfect and it gave me a lot more confidence, but long term it is probably doing more damage. During this time, the other big change in my life was that I had made the decision to start drinking alcohol. For a girl who was previously “anti-alcohol”, this was a shock to the system. So I just thought it was my body’s reaction to alcohol but the acne continued long after I stopped drinking.

As time went on, the worse my acne was getting and the more it was upsetting me. I was someone who was quite vain and superficial at this time, and for me to wake up and see my beautiful face covered in volcanoes- it was heart wrenching.

The following June, I went on a family trip to Toronto, Canada. I was there for 12 days and I think I wore make up for the majority of the time that I was there. I had brought my full makeup kit with me and each morning I would apply the face. Of course at this point I was used to being around my family bare-faced with my spots but it was the fact that there would be countless pictures that made me self-conscious of my skin. The day I went to Niagara Falls was a particularly painful day in relation to my acne. That day I had decided not to wear makeup for a variety of reasons- it was hot and I would have been getting wet at the falls which would ruin my makeup, we were up early and I was tired and also my skin had taken a turn for the worse from the traveling and different food so I thought it best to let my skin breathe for a day. It wasn't a conscious decision of mine but I was just avoiding mirrors that day and I wore a baseball cap to make my skin less noticeable. In the elevator my sister simply asked me “why I didn't put on makeup today of all days?” and although she didn't mean any harm, that comment really hurt me. In that moment, she was my mirror. I know she meant well as she herself had severe acne and she was aware of all the pictures that would be taken that day. After that I was put in a bad mood, I was angry. Why did I have to cover up? It wasn't fair.

During the summer, we went on many excursions and trips but there are barely any pictures of me, barefaced, online. I was always so conscious of it. And the world of snapchat and instagram didn’t help. A camera constantly on your face, when you’re not happy with you see is a dagger to heart every time. I remember one day during the summer my friends and I went to the beach, and the thought of being bare faced was too much so I put on my mask of makeup again and any pictures I uploaded I felt I had to blur out the lumps on my face.

It was the September of 2017 that I finally seeked medical help. I went to see a dermatologist and she diagnosed me with acne. She prescribed me with a drug called “Roaccutane”. This drug is famous for its breathtaking effect on acne. My sister had used it and the results were astounding. However, it wasn't that easy. Roaccutane contains an ingredient that made it impossible for me to take because of my nut allergy. The doctor assured us that there was a form without that ingredient, but after several hours of my Mammy ringing around to different pharmacies we discovered that it would cost over €1000 a month. Which really wasn’t a feasible option.

In the end I was prescribed Minocin (antibiotic) and Dianette (contraceptive used to treat acne). I took these for 3 months and then stopped because we didn't see any improvement whatsoever and I was experiencing some undesirable side effects. Following this I tried taking Dianette by itself for two months. There was some improvement but since stopping taking all medication in february I can see a greater improvement. I don't know how long this will last as I am scared that someday I'll wake up and have a face full of acne again but there are some things I have learned:

Don't be ashamed of your skin and don't let others make you feel that way. I think going away for college helped me with this. I think in total I wore make up 3 times in college so the people that seen me there were used to my skin (in my mind) as they had nothing to compare it too.

You’re not alone. I met people and seen people exactly like me which gave me some perspective. The first time I spoke to someone about my skin at college was to a friend who also had acne. For a person with acne there is nothing worse than someone with a miniscule pimple saying “how awful their skin is” or “how yours isn’t as bad as mine” etc. So to talk to someone who knows exactly what you’re feeling is reassuring.

It will eventually pass. I don't know how long it will take but like with everything in life- it will pass.

What works for someone else won’t necessarily work for you. I would spend hours looking online for “acne cures/hacks”- none of which worked. I only got more frustrated looking at pictures of models telling me to “just drink loads of water”. I actually tried going off dairy altogether, which with hindsight was a mistake. Being a college student and having a nut allergy made it pretty much impossible to go off dairy in a healthy way. I was replacing dairy products with a lot of refined sugar and my diet was very unhealthy. And it wasn’t worth it because it made no difference and I couldn’t eat my favourite foods which only worsened my mood.

Finally, have patience with those around you

I have an amazing family who are very supportive but sometimes if they made a comment or a suggestion I would get really defensive and annoyed. They were only trying to help but when you’re in that dark place you don't want to hear it. I used to wake up and look in the mirror and just cry, and someone saying something you already know just puts salt in the wound.

To end this i just want to say, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND YOUR ACNE DOESN'T DEFINE YOU. Please remember it is just skin and even if you have to say it to yourself daily- it is just skin and your mental health is so much more important.

[suicide-is-my-name-baby]

Trigger warning(mentions suicide attempts/rape/sexual assault and probably others) Also this is SUCH a long read, if this intimates you, please don't feel like you have to read it. This is just for me, to rant and get it all out I think. The last few years of my life, have been some of the hardest. And don't get me wrong I know that plenty have it so much harder. Daily life is a physical and mental challenge. I'm so drained, let down, paranoid, and just done. Everything is such a fight. After finally being able to get out of a very abusive relationship and try to find some sort of happiness and learn who I was as a person all over again. I guess I lost hope after a while. On 22nd of November in 2015 I took an overdose. I've struggled with mental health issues for years this was one of a number of overdoses I have taken. This one was different. I'm not entirely sure how it really came about. But my abusive ex that I was sadly still in contact with, because he could get inside my head and make me feel bad for him, well he found out about my over dose. And came to the house that I was in at that time. I had taken a lot of pills, and cut my wrists, arms and thighs. I've still never seen that much blood again. And he came into my house, and instead of helping me, why quite frankly he was able to make this whole situation worse. I didn't think that there was a worse than wanting to be dead. He raped me. I said no. I slapped him. But I'd learned long ago it's easier to just lie there. I thought I was going to die. I felt like I was dying. I was blacking out. And this was a good thing. This was it. I was free. Or so I thought, I woke up. Sore every where. But alive. He drove me to work. The police and others have asked me why I didn't freak out and call the police, why did I let him drive me to work. And because I knew what he was like. If I said I wanted him to leave he wouldn't and we would have had to talk. But if he was dropping me off at work he would leave. I felt trapped, I felt like I was back with him, and all the fight in me was gone. I will never let someone hold that much power over me again. I told my supervisor at work about my overdose. I then got sent to my manager. Who wanted me to go to the hospital(understandably) The second time I went to the office with the manager and deputy manager, I broke and told them that he had forced himself on me. I went to the doctor, and told them what happened. Everything. They told me I needed to go to the hospital and then the police. I couldn't do it. You see this wasn't the first time he had done this kind of things to me. It's for some reason the first time I wanted to do something. I wanted someone to know. What if he had done it to someone else, someone who couldn't handle it like I could. (This is what I thought anyway, how wrong I was that I could handle it) I went to the hospital and gotten my bloods taken a day later. I was fine. Niall had ended up in hospital with a collapsed lung, and the day after that, I finally called the police. The 26th of November 2015, I finally got the courage to call the police. I was nervous, and scared, I've never went to the police before in my life, it was always seen as a negative force (that's just the way I grew up really) I called the police, and sat in the house that it had all taken place in. Two lady officers came in. I started to explain what had happened. One of the officers asked me "are you sure you weren't just lonely?" My mind automatically went on the defensive, how dare someone say I asked for this!? I said to them with my voice trembling, if you don't believe me get out my house. The other officer spoke up, saying it's not that they don't believe me. People came in, took photos of my house, took my bedding, took my clothes, they took my phone. We went to the police station. And we had to wait there and the rude police officer finished her shift. So I was left with the other one, waiting for the doctor. While we were waiting we spoke as I had no phone or anything else to do. She asked me about my self harm. And then went on to tell me that it is not bad. (Which I've never claimed for it to be as bad as some people) But at that time I took this as I'm not hurting as much as others because my self harm doesn't look as bad. Which I know is probably not what she was meaning at all. After a while a detective man came and we walked to the doctors office. The doctor was the nicest person I had seen all night. He spoke to me kindly and walked through what he needed to do(swabs and such) He even spoke to me about my self harm and suggested places I could go to for support. I can't honestly express how lovely he was, which I was probably needing at that time. We then sat and went through my statement in another room. We had to write down every single little detail. At the end of my statement he asked me what I wanted to happen. Wow, I hadn't really thought about that, I had no idea. I wanted it to be some where, so that I did my part so no one else could be hurt like I was. I struggled for words and told him that I didn't know. He then went on to tell me that I was going to ruin his life (the person that raped me, i was going to ruin HIS life!?) that he wouldn't be able to do certain jobs, that everyone would know, it would be in the papers and everything. I then said I wish I just hadn't came, at this point it was about 2am. I had been running on literally no sleep for days, hadn't eaten in over a day. This man then went off further, saying that he could make this disappear, but once he had written it in his official documents that he could no longer make that disappear. And that would be on me. I didn't know what to do. I stood my ground. I told him firmly, that I'm not lying, everything I said was true. And if he didn't believe me I should just leave. We wrote down the statement. And it was at this point they mentioned me not going home. They wanted me to go to my family's house. I didn't want this, I wanted to be alone, I wanted time to think for myself. I told them I wasn't a danger to my self. Yes at my temp flat I had medication and such, but I didn't want to take it. Not that night anyway. It was apparent I wasn't getting a choice in the matter. They drove to the Asda, because they had mentioned calling me the next day for a further statement on the relationship. And I had said they had taken my phone. I wasn't allowed a house phone in the temporary flat. He bought me a phone and took the number, so they could call me. And then went on to drive me to my parents house. I told them that I didn't want to tell my family what had happened. I was too tired, and just needed sleep. Both the detective and the police lady, had expressed that I should tell them. But I didn't want to, not that night anyway. When driving to my parents house, he asked if they were married, nope, so then asked my parents names, I told him their first names. He then asked for my mothers last name. When I told him, he made a rather uncomfortable "joke" that couldn't I just get my mothers family to do something about this. I didn't even fake laugh, I couldn't. And I'll be the first to say that I've got a dark sense of humour. So he told me he would tell my parents I was a witness to a crime. And I was helping them. Wonderful I thought, a witness that turning up to my parents house, where I haven't lived in years, at almost 4am. Ive never been taken home by the police, never had I thought would I have been taken back to my parents at this age. We went in, they explained I was a witness and they shortly left. I was too tired to explain anything to my parents. I was to exhausted, physically and mentally. I called a taxi, and went back to my temp flat. I slept for about 16 hours, which isn't like me at all, but I didn't have a restful sleep at all. The police were meant to come back for statements and other things the next day. That didn't happen. But some officers (who weren't involved in the case) came to tell me that the accused, said no comment and was out of police custody, but has been advised to stay away and have no contact with me. I was so scared. The start of December some different police officers came to take Nialls statement, and I spoke with a lady and gave her back the phone that was bought for me, as I had gotten another one. I had gotten told by my housing officer that I would be getting my forever home probably before Christmas and definitely before new year. A week later the council offered me to move to another temp flat, because staying in that one probably wasn't best for me, but I declined, as I didn't want to have to move house twice in the space of a few weeks. Had I known I'd still be in that house until march I would have moved. I don't think I really saw how much of an impact that house made on me. I was off of work, and I just stopped doing everything. I couldn't leave the house, I'd either obsessively clean everything including myself, with bleach, or I wouldn't leave my bed. I couldn't even think about going to the shop for food or electric or gas. I self harmed every day. And I cried. I cried all of the time. Full hearted, my chest was ripping apart crying. At this point I do have to thank niall a lot, he was the reason I would have food, Gas and electric. He would cook(as best he could) and encourage me to shower and things like that. I would go to the doctor once a month to get signed off, and Niall would come with me. I'd even get taxis there and back so I was out of the house for as little amount of time as possible. I had no support. No crisis team, nothing. I eventually went back to work, with the support of my managers at the time. They wanted me back as they thought it would be good for me, because my work is my happy place, and I agreed. I went back to work. In hindsight this probably wasn't the best thing for me. But I wanted to try. I wasn't sleeping. Would work, go home clean obsessively, then go back to work, no sleep, no food. I moved two weeks after going back to work I finally got my forever home keys. It was around this time, I called the police to see what was happening with them coming to talk to me and get more statements and other things that I had mentioned to the detective. They didn't really have a clue what I was talking about. They spoke to me on the phone. And I explained that there was videos of me sleeping and being sexually assaulted. Online for anyone to see, and that they were meant to come back to get my statement about this. They asked me to email the link to them and they would check this out. I sent them the link, and I'm sure that day they came to talk to me(it might have been the next day I'm not too sure now) They came and took my statement and spoke about it, and what it was, when I thought that it had happened and such things. I've still to this day not watched the video the whole was through. I only knew the time when it happened loosely because I'm always dying my hair different colours and ways, and this hair colour had a two week period of time that it could have happened. The video was taken while I was still with that ex. And I didn't learn about it until I left. The police informed me that there was in fact two videos on this website of me sleeping and him sexually assaulting me. They asked me if I knew this, I started crying and told them no. This video was recorded with me sleeping, I had no knowledge about it, until I broke up with my ex and he told me about it. I told him to take it offline. He took a video of me sleeping (and snoring) and him touching me and put it online. Who does that!? How dare he. I was at work for six months. I was working, and coming home to self harm, then work again. At this point I was taking so many pain killers, because I was in constant pain. Nothing helped. I started needing to self harm before and after working. I clearly don't deal with things well, it took six months then I just couldn't do work anymore. I wouldn't leave the house other than to work. So when I stopped going to work, I stopped doing a lot of things again. I felt guilty because I'm off work, normal people can work. Why can't I? I have accepted that I can't work right now, I shouldn't beat myself up for this. (I do) but I shouldn't. I went to see the prosecutor if fiscal in September, she was really nice and spoke to me and got me to go through my statements and let me know what could be happening at that stage. She told me all the things that she was going to ask the police to look back into. She has been lovely, and as helpful as possible really. In November 2016 my ex stopped paying for his half of the loan that we had gotten together when in a relationship, it came out of my account. I simply couldn't afford to pay it all. I was off sick, had other bills and no money. It was probability completely unintentional but the month he stopped paying his half, was a year since he has raped me. Which was just a kick in the face to me. This hit me hard. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what I could do. I went to the bank. They didn't really know what I could do either, and simply told me that they would get in touch with their lawyers and let me know. I've still never heard back from them. I went to citizens advice. They really helped me. And as of the 24 February 2017, I've been debt free. I had been awarded bankruptcy(sequestration) Which I shouldn't probably be happy about, but I was, I had been getting threats of being kicked out because I couldn't afford anything even my rent. I couldn't be homeless again. I had to borrow so much money from Niall, just to see me through. I really don't know how I could have gotten through all of this with out him. In January I finally got an answer to why I'm constantly in pain, and got diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and began treatment. Which has helped me a lot, in terms of not taking painkillers much to often and to many. During this time, I had heard nothing from the police. Unless I would call them every other month to see how things were going. I had been told nothing, no updates, I mean nothing. As I've never had to deal with the police I assumed this is all normal. I called looking for one of my updates. And got told he would be in court in march 2017. But as I wasn't talking to the person dealing with the case, they couldn't give me anymore information than that. On the 1st of march (I remember because it was my dads birthday) I got a call and told about the dates. The dates he was going to court, and then the dates that the trial would start depending on what his plea was. I got told the 28th of march. Which is an important date to me anyway, as this is the anniversary of my granda dying. Which for some reason filled me with hope. This was the date for a reason. Which might sound completely crazy to some people. But to me it made sense. I had gotten a victim statement form to fill in. During march, I put it off for a good few days, unsure what I was going to write. I wrote twice what I thought I was going to put in this form. But when it came to actually writing it, I don't know what happened. I didn't write anything that I had wanted, but when I read over my statement, I was shocked, I had wrote things down that I hadn't even realised. I wrote how I was sure I was meant to have died that night, and that everything since has just been a complete nightmare. I filled out this form, and I put so much of me into this form. And I sent it away. The 28th of march came around I wasn't looking forward to this day at all. I called the prosecutor at about lunch time, trying to find out if we knew anything. She told me she wouldn't know anything probably until closer to the end of the day, and that she would call me and let me know. It was during this phone call that I found out, he wasn't getting done with the rape charge as I had hoped. He was getting done with sexual assault. I went quite on the phone, I didn't want to take it out on this lady who had been so nice to me. But of course I was so let down. I was also told that even though it's probably not much of a comfort to me, but that everything will be kept on file and if he ever does this again(which sadly I think he will) my evidence will be used as well and I'll probably be asked to give evidence then. (Which annoys me a bit because I just want to forget all of this and let it be) I was so disappointed, not so much because he wouldn't be charged. But for me, it was the only chance I was going to get for him to see what he had done to me. If he had pleaded guilty, maybe he had known this whole time. If he said not guilty, I was ready and willing to stand up in court and say what he did to me, and how this has impacted me. And everything in my life. I feel because I've had this court over me for the whole time, I've not really been able to get over it as much as I would have liked by this point. Not that I've played the victim in that sense. But in the sense, that I still can't have sex with out feeling guilty and crying, I have nightmares almost every night of this, of him. I'm so paranoid leaving the house, and unless I'm with someone I hate doing it, and often have panic attacks. I'm jumpy, and have to look out for certain makes of cars and I still look out for his reg plate. When I'm at home, I've got to have the doors locked, if someone comes to my door that I'm not expecting, this can set off a panic attack. Sometimes I can still feel him. Especially after my nightmares, I can feel him on me, and feel disgusting. When I heard all of this news on the 28th of march, I gave up, I had fought so much, and everything came crashing down, now my victim statement was wrong. I deleted every social media app that I had, I deactivated Facebook. I didn't even want to go forward, I went over the edge. I took another over dose, sleepers, I lost three hours of that night. Niall came back (i had told him to go out for the night) he freaked out, he thought I was going to die. I don't remember this, this is what Niall told me. That I got up and was sick every where in the bathroom, I then collapsed on the bathroom floor, he got me up, and then walking into the living room/bedroom I fell and hit my head off of the coffee table. I was crying, begging him not to call an ambulance, begging him to just let me sleep. Niall set alarms every 30 minutes during the night to check I was still breathing. All of this has really made me lose hope in the police, lose hope, and totally understand why so many people do not come forward, originally I came forward to stop it from happening to others. But this has left an impact on my own mental health, this has made me not able to move on, and really come to terms with it all. I think now I've got to deal with it. It is almost over. He didn't give his plea on the 28th of march, his solicitor asked for more time. The 6th of April he is giving his plea. I have been informed be a prosecutor that he has been advised to plead guilty. Soon I will hopefully be able to really move on from all of this. I guess what I've really learned is that the saying "it's not what really happened, it's what you can prove in court" is so much more true than I ever thought. If you've not came forward, I know that you probably did the right thing for you, and you are so strong. If you did come forward, I hope that you got justice, and you are very strong. If you've been with an abusive partner, I hope you've managed to leave. If you are still with them, please think of your self. Through all of the shit and hard times we all deal with, some worse than others all we can really do is keep on moving.