#but spying on this poor girl that would quite literally die for you in a very toxic and not healthy way

[mazojo]

We all like, agree collectively that Aqua is like, the scummiest person on earth correct?

[awesome-opossum-after-hours]

stranger things rewatch details/thoughts pt 3 (s3 ep1-s3 ep8)

-El kept the baby mask from her sister and its up in her room!

- she also has a large poster of a bird on a beach

- the first store when they walk into Starcourt has a very creative name. "Camera Repair"

- the girl behind Max in the movie theater is MAD annoyed at them. they talk (before the movie starts), and she shushes them. they pass snacks, and she shushes them. rude

-the Scoops Ahoy menu sign quite literally calls it an "Ocean of Flavors"

-i wonder if Will remembers much of the events of s2, or at least the possesion/exorcism. it seems to flood back to him in the theater

-ah wait, Yurtle WAS relocated! totally forgot, could've sworn he was a goner.

-poor "lard-ass". hope he's okay

-Hopper's hatred of Mike is too funny I kinda hope it continues, even if he does loosen up

-god Hopper reminds me so much of my dad. he went as him for Halloween a few years back, and I was s3 El :)

-did Dustin follow Steve's advice in getting Suzie? pretend not to care?

-a buck 25 for a scoop of ice cream sounds fantastic

-a lot of cosplayers forget this with "Scoops Ahoy" Robin but the letters on the You Rule/You Suck board are multicolored. red underneath, black traced slightly off. in Graphics that's a technique used to create a 3D effect, and I'd like to think that was her intention bc she seemed that artsy :)

-God I adore how much you can see the amount of love in Hop's eyes when he's watching Joyce help a customer. when will someone look at me like that oml

-Joyce and Bob were watching Fraiser in the flashback

- Mike has some serious nerve telling the father of his girlfriend and the goddamn Chief of Police that he's a "lying piece of shit"

-Max calls Lucas "Don Juan" 🥺

-if you watch the first Russian message scene with English captions it gives away what it says lmao

-Hopper joyfully singing along to You Don't Mess Around With Jim owns my heart

-Steve already HAD chesthair in s3. you can see it if he leans over in the Scoops uniform ;) do with that what you will

-Lucas is continuing his streak of winning Max back after her dumping him. 6 and 0

- when El and Max are playing the spying version of Spin the Bottle, the people on the wheel are Dustin, Mr Clarke, Mrs Wheeler, Mr Wheeler, Steve, Nancy, and (of course) Billy

- Will's persona of "Will the Wise" is a LOT more assertive than he normally is. bet that'll come in clutch in s5

- Hopper has no shame opening the door in just a towel lmao

- happy screams...

-Max using the iconic 80s phrase "ugh, gag me with a spoon!"

- I completely forgot the whole "Dustin wanting Steve and Robin to date" thing happened before s4

-Robin was apparently a theater kid (which made her "weird" in the Old Steve's standards). she also played soccer

-still not over how Mike and Lucas mock Will's DnD game and act all bored with it and then continue to play DnD really seriously in high school

-the whole "Robin being a lesbian and Steve her emotional support himbo" decision really WAS last minute bc there's a few hints pretty early in the season that would normally lead to 2 characters eventually falling in love (aka- on the rooftop of Starcourt when they have to duck down to avoid the Russians, Steve and Robin do the whole "unintentionally holding hands in danger" thing)

-the way Billy is standing and acting in the scene in Heather's house is INSANELY similar to Henry Creel in the rainbow room (down to the creepy smile and the hands clasped in front)

-Hopper breaks the mayor's nose. guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, blood relation or not

- "if you die, I die" - said Dustin, with total seriousness, to Steve. this better NOT be foreshadowing

-when El wears Sarah's hairtie as a bracelet, it covers up her number tattoo

-oh my GOD Jonathan getting whacked with the hospital stool looked WAYYYYY more brutal than I remember... how the hell did he not get paralyzed

-at first i thought that Hopper's eventual escape route from the machine explosion was adding afterwards for Plot Armor, but that's not true! when the Scoops Troop is running from the Russians they take the same escape route underneath the machine

-the door out to Murray's wonderful little "backyard" says "Keep Door Closed"

-I don't blame Alexei, cherry slurpees are far superior to strawberry

-Erica being a total math genius is something that HAS to be brought up again

-when Robin spits in the Russian's face, he says "you're going to regret that, suchka". suchka, translating in the subtitles as "little bitch"

-after the hospital, everyone must've taken a well needed shower before heading to Hop's cabin

-i would die for Karen Wheeler's FunFair dress

-can we talk about the fact that other than El, Dustin is the only kid to ever K1LL SOMEONE??? I mean maybe he just got wiped out but that Russian doctor looked very not alive

-did Todd ever get his car back

-the answer is hopefully no. screw Todd, Steve's her daddy now

-I think if I had to choose one of these monsters to NEVER have to fuck with ever it'd be the flesh monster. sure Vecna can kill you from your own mind but something about fighting melted humans/rats feels so very wrong and traumatizing

-Steve's been in a vehicle poorly driven by children twice

-if Joyce doesn't stick to this Detective Byers plan in s5 I'm gonna cry

-also I need to physically SEE the Enzo's date, even if it's a flashback

-Dustin and Erica staying at the hill means that they had no way of knowing if the Griswold Family was alive, or whether or not Steve and Robin were headed on a su1c1de mission

-I'd be shittin me britches if i was in that mall no lie

- the flesh monster mind flayer must have some sort of eyes in its tentacles because it tried to catch a mannequin that was wearing El's outfit

-662608004 was the code Murray wrote, but the real password was 662607004. all he got wrong was the 7. come on Bald Eagle

-they straight up left Max, El, and Mike at the mall

-according to Hopper, gunfire is the universal language for "EVERYBODY OUT!"

-Max and Billy lived on 4819 Cherry Hill Lane

-on that TV ad, when they suggest a rise in Satanism is cursing the town, they zoom in on a Dungeon Master's Handbook

-the epilogue says it's 3 months after the 4th of July, AKA October. but it's implied that the party is still just them, so maybe they joined the Hellfire Club in the middle of the year

-Dustin doesn't wear his hat when he's sad

-someone actually bought the Byers' house. fuck that, man I'd firmly believe it's cursed

-was El staying in Will's room? because she's seen packing up her stuff but the Byers only had a 3 bedroom house

-we all know that Steve wears lipgloss this season but I'm also convinced that Mike is in the epilogue

-Mike didn't seem to enjoy that goodbye kiss as much as he was expecting...

[tarosin]

the great adventures of y/n, tommy, wilbur and phil

requested: yes/no

an: part 7 of the great adventures series - a rollercoaster of emotions

warnings: cursing, jokes about death (like the vlog) , didn’t proof read as its 6am sorry for any mistakes

it had been around a week since you last spoke to tubbo, the pair of you got into a heated argument and honestly you didn’t want to be anywhere near the boy. no one heard from you since you and tubbo blocked each other, ranboo would talk to you about how you need to forgive and forget and Tommy would do the same to tubbo eventually you unblocked each other however apart from that it was pretty much useless neither of you were willing to talk to the other person, it was just one of those things that needed time, soon enough you’d be friends again. at least you hoped that would be the case. later that day Wilbur sent you a message asking what time he should pick you up tomorrow not wanting to argue you let him know a time and went off to get ready for the night.

The car ride to Alton towers was pretty quiet the majority of the ride was spent playing random car games like eye spy or singing along to the radio as there was no traffic you got there rather quickly giving you longer in the park. you loved theme parks and Tommy knew this so he took the opportunity to invite you and get you out of the house, he also knew he would need the support. Phil began recording as you all made your way through the park the sky car was first so you could get to the other half of the park Tommy made it pretty clear he wasn’t the biggest fan of this and you and Wilbur didn’t help his cause by discussing the recent crash in Italy that killed a group of people, you pointed out all the rides you passed teasing Tommy whilst Wilbur interviewed him on why he wanted to hit 10 million subs, as soon as Tommy mentioned the girl from college your eyes widened and you sat trying not to laugh as Wilbur and Phil sat telling him to call her. Tommy looked at you trying to get back up but you responded by telling him you want to speak to her.

once off the sky car you stood with an arm around Tommy's shoulders as Wilbur spoke to the girl who you’re hoping is in on it and that they’re not calling up the poor girl unexpectedly. as soon as you were informed that her favourite ride was the smiler Tommy pulled you into a hug hiding his face in the crook of your neck

“Are you serious”

“you’ll be fine it’s the safest ride here...if you ignore the crash”

“y/nnnnn”

the four of you walked around the park looking for an easy rollercoaster as you make your way up to the smiler, the blade caught Wilbur's eye so the three of you made your way whilst Phil decided to stay back to record, you sat next to Tommy reassuring him that he’s going to be fine and how it can’t be that bad as a family with a young child got on the ride after you.

“if I pee myself will you laugh at me”

“yes..actually that’ll make it easier for me”

“Please don’t do that Wilbur”

“only for you y/n”

the ride started slowly however the speed soon picked up you sat laughing as Tommy went on to make references about technoblade and how he’s never going to die. soon enough the three of you began ‘singing’ the lyrics to road trip in an attempt to calm down a little bit. was it working? no. a few minutes later the ride came to an end as you made your way off of the ride you heard a child screaming about how fun it was

“awe”

“how is that six-year-old shouting I loved it”

“are we cowards”

“yes, yes you are”

you made it to Phil first and rambled on about how fun it was before Wilbur and Tommy made it to you both wanting to go home

on your journey to the next ride, Tommy pointed out claw machines and dragged you to them, Phil had a go first and didn’t win the dog Tommy wanted, you had a go determined to win however like Phil you didn’t win

“This is bullshit ill buy you a toy dog”

“Why are you never satisfied”

“Good question”

you walked away from the machines with the others Tommy complained that he was being forced to go on the rides, you pointed at the smiler and Wilbur announced you could all go on that now, the rest of the walk was pretty quiet after that. soon enough you were in the queue to go on duel, you were walking with Phil not realising that Wilbur was currently telling your best friend that he was going to die, the only reason you found out was because Tommy ran up to you asking if he was going to die

“Tommy, no who told you that... Wilbur stop laughing it’s not- it’s not funny”

“y/n you’re quite literally laughing”

you put your finger on your lips and walked off. you sat with Phil so you could have a break from Tommy screaming in your ear as soon as Tommy yelled there were guns the ride began, you weren’t the best at this ride you missed the target a few too many times than you’d like to admit, once the ride was over Tommy made the mistake of laughing about how low your score was you made eye contact with Tommy and placed your hand on his shoulder

“Tommy... you screamed at everything the entire way around. if that ride was any longer i’m afraid I’d lose my hearing”

“didn’t you also do shit Tommy”

“fuck off”

and with that you left the ride walking through the gift shop, you and Tommy were like little children picking up anything that was covered in bright colours, you and Tommy found a squishy monster and named it Clarence you ended up getting attached and Wilbur stayed with you as you paid for it whilst Phil and Tommy were leaving the shop

“Phil we lost y/n and Wilbur”

“sorry y/n got distracted”

you all continued walking to the next ride Tommy instantly got distracted by the dryer outside of the river rapids ride and spent a good few minutes asking to go into the dryer. at this point, you noticed another toy shop and ran off to that one whilst they argued with Tommy about the dryer a few minutes later you met up with them again as you began making your way to the next ride

“what I hate the most about Phil is his kindness”

“wasn’t kind enough to let me win on duel”

“I pray on his downfall”

Phil turned to you only to be met with you nodding as Tommy goes on to talk about hating his generosity

“Phil I've been thinking about you... it’s ruined my day”

“mine was ruined by Tommy screaming at stupid o clock in the morning”

“y/n it’s 12 pm”

“okay and I usually wake up at 3 pm this is early for me”

you stood in the queue for river rapids, as much as you wanted to make Tommy calm down you hated this ride and Wilbur saying there was a chance of drowning made you hate it even more

“y/n will we be fine”

“no this is horrifying I remember the incident where someone was dragged under a ride like this”

“Y/N”

“what are you two thinking about then”

“I’m thinking about the beyond”

“I’m thinking about the sweet release of death”

“you might be going there”

“no, we won’t”

you and Tommy began to panic as you got closer to the ride, Tommy announced the floor was moving which tricked your brain into believing that the floor was moving, Wilbur was still talking about you all dying in a few minutes whilst laughing at Phil trying to make him stop despite the fact he was clearly laughing. Tommy got on first as you were making your way to a seat Tommy pulled you over to him so you were sat together. a worker came over and told you all to keep your seat during the ride

“can I get off”

as soon as you finished your sentence the ride began to move making the others laugh

“ill take that as a no”

a few minutes later you forgot you were scared as you were too busy laughing about the fact that so far out of the four of you the only person getting drenched in water was Phil. this newfound confidence didn't last long the ride began going faster and you and Tommy got drenched in water

“We made it through the second most dangerous part”

“heh...”

you looked at Phil tilting your head waiting for him to confirm that Wilbur was just trying to scare you again. your thoughts were interrupted by Wilbur beginning to speak to the camera

“Alton towers is a very safe and risk-free theme park fun for all the family”

he flipped the camera so the three of you could be seen Phil was laughing Tommy had his head in his hands and you were sat with your hood over your head hiding your face so you couldn’t see what was going to happen. Phil told you to hold on but he was interrupted by Wilbur using the camera to record the four of you together again it was clear you and Tommy were not having the most fun on the ride compared to the others. the ride crashed into the small wall next to the ride causing it to jerk forward making the four of you hit your leg

“my fucking thigh”

“y/n there are children nearby”

“y/n, Tommy you two are lucky to be alive”

you and Tommy turned to face each other then looked back at Wilbur who was continuing to chant that you’re lucky to be alive clearly ignoring Phil who was telling him to stop. eventually, the ride came to an end and you all got off, Phil helped you walk around for a minute as your legs felt extremely weak after that ride

“you okay now y/n”

“yeah yeah thank you, Phil. I'm never going on that ride again”

you all made your way to the centre of the park Wilbur disappeared as you and Tommy stood begging Phil for cotton candy, your only argument being that you really wanted it

“please Phil”

“We can have a little”

“we’re growing Phil we need more than a little”

“it’s diabetes in a box”

“it’s pure joy”

“yeah it’s fun in a box let us get some”

“stop being a dick”

Wilbur came running out of a shop carrying as much cotton candy as he could shouting for you and Tommy to take some and run which you gladly did. the pair of you sat on the grass eating as much cotton candy as you could

“ITS BLUEBERRY”

“that is so sugary”

you and Tommy both grabbed a fistful of cotton candy waving it at the two adults in front of you both, resulting in Phil calling you both goblins, they both walked away leaving you two to enjoy each other’s company for a little while whilst they had a break from the pair of you screaming.

“that’s..that's Tommy and y/n”

it was almost time to face the smiler but before that, you had to conquer oblivion again this was another ride that terrified you but Tommy's reaction to the ride made you laugh for a good few minutes until you realised you were in the queue

“oh fuck. we are going to die”

“you’ll impress the girl and y/n you’ll impress tubbo”

“ill buy her flowers”

“This is a death trap” you went on first and sat a few seats away from the middle Tommy not far behind you

“if we die ill never forgive you”

“you’ll be fine”

“will we though”

“I mean”

“Tommy she was hesitant to answer that get me off this ride”

just like last time the ride started just as you finished trying to get off the ride

“y/n you really need to stop asking to get off the rides it makes them start earlier”

the way to the top of the ride was mainly just you and Tommy yelling curse words trying to stay calm

“Phil do we have to”

“Why could I not stay with Wilbur”

“awe look at the view”

“can we just stay up here- oh shit don’t look down”

“any last words”

“lovely knowing you all”

just before the ride was about to go down the drop Tommy grabbed your hand only letting go for a minute whilst you got off of the ride, as soon as you were making your way to Wilbur so you could all go on the spinball wizard ride he held your hand again keeping you close. your way to the ride was a range of Wilbur telling you all about the smiler or Tommy telling you all he was worried he was going to piss

“what the fuck is yours and Wilburs obsession with announcing you might piss on the ride”

you sat with Wilbur for this ride as he was the only person you hadn’t sat with yet and Tommy sat behind you both, you and Wilbur spent the ride screaming, yelling song lyrics or saying your goodbyes

“for lmanburg”

“Should I be worried.. you did you know create an explosion”

you spent the rest of the ride laughing before it came to an end. you all made your way to the smiler making jokes about how it’s all the girl from college wants to see him on.

“you ready Tommy”

“let’s go home”

“no”

“y/n you’re supposed to be on my team”

the four of you made your way through the gates ignoring Tommy who was yelling about it being a prison simulator, you sat at the end next to Tommy

“so this is safe”

“apart from the crashes yeah”

“y/n? is it safe?”

“it’s safe Tommy I can see you’re genuinely scared I wouldn’t lie in a time like this..maybe”

you and Wilbur agreed to become his wingmen and a few seconds later the ride began, you spent the ride laughing quietly as Tommy began confessing his love

“POGCHAMP”

“I WISH I SAT SOMEWHERE ELSE”

as soon as the ride ended you stood as a group again and called the girl from college, Wilbur practically yelled about how Tommy went on the smiler only for the girl to ask who Tommy was and how she wasn’t friends with him

“it’s okay mate”

“you okay Tommy”

you and Wilbur pulled Tommy into a hug.

a few minutes later you all made your way back to the car park as it was getting late. once in the car you handed Tommy the squishy monster you both named Clarence, Tommy screamed whilst pulling you into a hug before asking you how and when you were able to buy it. when you were halfway home you began to get a migraine Tommy pulled you into a side hug so you could rest your head on his shoulder and have a nap for the rest of the journey back home.

a few days late you received a message

tubbo: I miss you

y/n: I suppose I miss you too

tubbo: that’s good because I’m outside please let me inside

y/n: on it!!

taglist:

@l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @c1loudee

[smiting-finger]

alive, and back on my usual nonsense

So after getting preoccupied with other things and temporarily falling off the face of the planet (for like an entire year ಥωಥ), I was thinking about the kdrama Mr. Queen (which I've been meaning to watch), and the Chinese novel it was based on (太子妃升职记, which I read a few years ago and very much enjoyed), and this popped out--

Wei Wuxian’s first thought is that there seem to be an awful lot of female voices around, for a bedroom inhabited by two men. Did he drink too much last night? It wouldn’t be the first time he’s overindulged on a trip to the town and woken up in a strange place the next morning, but that kind of problem has been cropping up a lot less frequently now that he has Lan Zhan around to ferry him home.

(Sometimes literally, on his back. His broad, strong--)

But perhaps Lan Zhan had gotten drunk, too? In which case, Wei Wuxian should consider them lucky to have woken up surrounded by people, rather than chickens, rabbits or, notably, on one occasion, mounds of resentful cabbages.

The chatter around him continues, pitched high with youth and - is that anxiety? It's interspersed with the odd interjection from what sounds like one (calmer, if more exasperated) older woman and a man. Probably not a nunnery, he decides. Perhaps the back rooms of a pleasure house? Although, if that’s the case, this amount of excitement over a mere two men is honestly a little excessive.

He reaches out tentatively, but pats all the way across the mattress to the edge without finding his usual bedfellow. A much less tentative venture towards the other side produces similar results.

Hm.

Wei Wuxian cracks open an eye and heaves himself upright, absent-mindedly scratching at his (unusually soft - as much as he hates to admit it, maybe Nie Huaisang has a point about drinking less and training more) side and squinting into the too-bright light until the person-shaped blur in front of him sharpens into focus.

“Niang niang!” a complete stranger cries tearfully, clutching at the sleeve of his other arm. “You’re awake! Thank Heavens, you’re awake! Physician Liu, quick, quick!”

A cushion is produced from somewhere and thrust expectantly between Wei Wuxian and the elderly man sitting at his bedside.

He sighs. It’s probably not worth fighting.

Wei Wuxian smacks his upturned wrist onto the unusually lavish brocade and is only a little surprised when it’s covered by a cloth before the physician reaches to take it.

(Do they think he’s diseased?)

((Is he diseased?!))

(((Is that why Lan Zhan isn’t here?)))

He looks at the row of young girls (+ 1 matron) kneeling along the wall to his left, dressed identically to the first and also now beginning to prostrate themselves and wail about “Niang niang!” and blessings and deserving to die.

Not a pleasure house, then.

He looks around at the rest of the richly-furnished room and its intricately-carved wooden furniture, the wealth of jade carvings and the obscene amount of gold that's gilding … everything (so shiny). The opulence of it all would put even Jin Guangshan to shame.

So, not a nunnery either.

He looks down at the small hands, delicate wrists and - he clutches one abruptly just to make sure his eyes aren’t deceiving him - breasts of the body that he certainly was not inhabiting yesterday.

“Well,” he says aloud, unable to stop himself from wincing at the high, soft voice that emerges despite fully expecting it. “It’s not the first time this has happened.”

===

Two days, one diagnosis of shock-induced memory loss and some discreet enquiries (as well as some indiscreet enquiries) later, this is what he knows about his situation:

He’s the main consort (unfavoured) of the crown prince of whatever place he’s landed in;

Three days ago, following a disagreement with one Consort Yun (favoured, main competitor for husband’s affections);

In the course of this disagreement, both women somehow fell into a palace lake and mostly-drowned;

Consort Yun (admittedly quite pretty) was revived at the scene, but Wei Wuxian took a full day to “miraculously” recover;

Angered by the unseemly behaviour of her daughters-in-law, particularly upon learning that the Crown Princess’s first act upon waking was to stumble upon a chance meeting between the Crown Prince and Consort Yun in one of the pleasure gardens and bodily throw herself between them (a tactical error on Wei Wuxian’s part. He’d been trying to throw himself over the battlements to freedom, but he’d gotten lost and scaled the wrong wall), the Empress (Crown Prince’s political opponent, not particularly fond of either consort) grounded both of them to their respective residences for a month, with no visitors allowed.

Which brings him to his current position, feeding the fish in his personal pond as an excuse to be alone. Not truly alone - he shoots a pointed glance at the maids watching anxiously from the other side of the courtyard - because he’s apparently a “suicide risk” now (and honestly, yes, he’d meant to throw himself off that roof, but he hadn’t meant to die - it’s simply that this new body’s cultivation level is not what he’s come to expect even from Mo Xuanyu’s modest abilities), but alone enough to start planning his next move.

Direct escape is out - he didn’t have a plan for what to do once he’d gotten out anyway, and honestly he’s better-resourced for finding out how he got here in the Palace than anywhere else, so it’s no great loss.

“What do you think, Master Fish?” Wei Wuxian asks a gold and black spotted koi with particularly sage-looking whiskers. “Shall I just stay here for the time being?”

It’s not a terrible place to be for the time being, he must admit, throwing more food into the water and watching the fish swarm. Being grounded, he’s at no risk from the Crown Prince’s amorous attentions for a month (a salute of gratitude to the Empress for the inadvertent protection). And thanks to Consort Yun and her voluptuous figure (and if the Crown Prince is more partial to that than the Zhao Feiyan style of willowy fragility that Wei Wuxian seems to have inherited, who can honestly blame him?), he’s at no great risk from them after that, either (a salute of gratitude to the unknowing sister-in-arms, taking one - and hopefully a great many more after that - for the team).

According to his maid (sleeve-clutcher extraordinaire, who even now is boring two holes into his skull with her woeful gaze from across the way while he does nothing more suspicious than scatter another handful of feed towards some latercomer fish), the body he’s inhabiting comes from a powerful military lineage. In particular, her father is (was?) a powerful general who currently commands more than half the nation’s military forces and has the absolute trust of the Emperor. So that more or less keeps him safe from the machinations of the majority of the nest of vipers in this palatial cesspit.

That just leaves the Empress, who - if his servants and the smuggled letters from the Original Goods’s mother (a salute of gratitude to the worthy woman for spelling it out so that even such an interloper as he can understand) are anything to go by - would definitely kill him to damage the Crown Prince’s political standing or throw any sort of roadblock in the way of him from becoming Emperor.

Less immediately - if his secret informants are anything to go by (a salute of gratitude to the resourceful host for cultivating such a valuable resource if not her dantian) - it also leaves the Crown Prince, who, upon cementing his power as Emperor, would also definitely kill his current Crown Princess in order to wedge his beloved Consort Yun into the Empress role.

Really, the only road to any sort of security for someone in his position is to raise the next Imperial heir, outlive the Original Goods’s faithless husband and become the Empress Dowager.

Hopefully Wei Wuxian will be long gone by then, but if leaving means the Original Goods will return (from … Mo Xuanyu’s body? The Ether? Or???) - well, he doesn’t want to repay her hospitality by leaving her house in a mess, so to speak. So he’ll try to set her on that career path, if he can.

But that’s an aspirational goal. First, he has to not-die before he can find out how to get himself home.

And find out how to get himself home.

If getting himself home is even possible.

Wei Wuxian dumps the rest of the fish food in the water and yells.

(It startles the maids, the fish and the poor eunuch the Crown Prince has sent as a spy into falling out of the tree he’s been hiding in and into the prickly bushes below.)

===

The problem with “staying for the time being” is … well, how interminably boring it is. The approved list of hobbies for an Imperial consort seems to consist of: eating (but not too much), sleeping (but not too much), embroidery (which he can’t do), reading (but only texts on female virtue and the occasional terrible novel), playing music (but not the flute), conversing with his maids (who are very sweet, but are all like, 12) and walking in the gardens (which he’s not allowed to do).

Honestly, it’s no wonder all the consorts turn to scheming and murder.

It only takes a week of confinement for him to snap and sneak himself out for a nighttime adventure, setting off to explore the grounds and see … a night-blooming flower, a ghost, a rat, he’ll take pretty much anything at this point.

In the end, he finds none of these things, but the walking is still pretty nice, and he even hears the faint sounds of a guqin wafting over from one of the other consorts’ residences. (He should probably learn who lives where at some point, but it’s not exactly a priority. What’s he going to do with the information when he can only visit during the nighttime? Peep?) When Wei Wuxian wanders closer, the notes resolve themselves into the familiar strains of Flowing Waters, and his breath catches on a sudden surge of longing to hear the same song, played by a different set of fingers.

(First played on a familiar guqin and then, later, accompanied by soft humming between soft, worn sheets, played across the edges of Wei Wuxian’s ribs, along the dip of his spine, and finally lower, into--)

((Is Lan Zhan thinking about him?))

(((Is Lan Zhan looking for him?)))

Stumbling blindly on, he’s so caught up in missing Lan Zhan that he misses the first few stanzas of the next piece, and it isn’t until the music starts to rise in a familiar refrain that he freezes.

He knows that song.

He’s one of the only two people who know that song, which is in fact how he got caught out the last time he found himself in a farce of an identity charade, by the only other person who knows that song, who must be - who must be -

Lan Zhan, his blood sings in his ears as he takes off in a dead run towards the source of the playing. Up ahead of him, small courtyard glows softly with the light of the only burning lamp in their vicinity. Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan-

He scrambles up the wall with the ease of a lifetime’s practice, using bloody-minded determination to make up for the lack of muscle memory.

“Lan Zhan,” he yelps, forgetting to whisper in his excitement as he flings himself over the top and into the branches of a convenient, wall-side tree. “Lan Zhan, it’s me, I-”

This is, naturally, when his foot slips. He manages to catch hold of a branch, but his tender hands and puny wrists, unused to holding up anything heavier than a chicken leg, fail to maintain their hold through his weight, and he tumbles down the trunk into a sad puddle of fabric on the ground.

“Lan Zhan,” he gasps, fighting to untangle himself from the ridiculous train that, admittedly, made a considerable contribution to cushioning his fall. He clambers up onto his hands and knees--

--and looks straight into the wide-eyed stare of Consort Yun.

===

“I cannot believe,” Wei Wuxian growls, palming the ample softness of one exposed breast with one hand, while shoving the other deeper into the many (too many) layers of fabric between them and between Lan Zhan’s splayed legs, “that after everything that’s happened, you’re still taller than me.”

Lan Zhan huffs a laugh that turns quickly into a moan, and Wei Wuxian swallows it, smothers Lan Zhan’s gasping breaths with his own parted lips and sucks them greedily down even as he coaxes out more with twisting fingers here, another tug to Lan Zhan’s poor, abused nipple there.

He slides his fingers back between slick folds and then upwards again, pushing in and out in a few languid strokes before curling them to make Lan Zhan arch harder against the wall behind him, tilt his head back and expose a beautifully vulnerable stretch of neck to Wei Wuxian's teeth.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan murmurs, and his voice is different, the shape of his lips is different, but the way Wei Wuxian’s name fits inside his mouth (tender, beloved), the way he tucks the flyaway strands of hair behind Wei Wuxian’s ear, the look in his eyes when their gazes meet (warm, open, knowing) are the same, same, same.

===

===

I am entirely too lazy to write the rest of it, but afterwards they regroup and it turns out LWJ has been in this world for exactly one more day than WWX, having woken up in Consort Yun’s body when she was “revived”. Consort Yun is the daughter of a high-ranking Minister in the Treasury or something, so Lan Zhan been using his new position as the daughter of a ~scholarly family~ to build a reputation for being really into Buddhist scripture, and eventually he’s going to request to be allowed to go to a nearby Temple to attain some virtuous brownie points for the Imperial family via prayer as his penitence.

That there’s also an elderly monk living there who’s got a reputation for being super good with the divine mysteries and spiritual lore about curses and whatnot is totally immaterial, if Lan Zhan happens to run into that guy, it’ll be a total coincidence, yeah.

So WWX also starts on the divine penitence route, and if everyone thinks it’s because the Crown Princess refuses to be outdone by Consort Yun, then even better, and two weeks into confinement they wear the Empress down into letting them make the trip, and when they get there, turns out the monk is Nie Huaisang.

(NHS: “OH THANK GOD, I’ve done the research but the lynchpin of this mess is definitely somewhere in the Palace and I could not for the life of me figure out a way to get in.”

WWX: “That's nice, but seriously, how come you got to stay a man?”

NHS: “My friend, I may be a man, but my balls are currently swinging somewhere around my ankles.”

WWX: “...show me.”

And LWJ is like “NO.” except WWX can tell by the look in his eye that he sort of wants to see, too).

So they return to the Palace and WWX whirls into one of their morning audiences with the Empress, distraught about a ~dream from the ancestors~ where they warned him about disrupted ley lines or accumulated resentment or an offended minor god that needs investigation by someone, and “How convenient, because we met just the guy!” And the Empress looks like she was Done Five Years Ago, but the Empress Dowager, who’s old and doddery, is like “oh no, you must bring him!” and the Empress mutters “to fucking what, offend some major gods and really do the job properly?” and that’s how they find out the Empress is Jiang Cheng.

In the meantime, the confinement edict expires and WWX+LWJ are allowed to return to their regular programming, which means that as the legal wife, WWX can continuously summon LWJ to his residence for increasingly tenuous and spurious reasons. The best thing is, it’s not even out of character for the Crown Princess, who used to regularly summon Consort Yun to subject her to not-so-veiled barbs and petty torments. So WWX summons LWJ, and then immediately expels both their entourages from the room, instructing that no one is to enter on pain of death.

So LWJ’s maids are gnashing their teeth helplessly while all sorts of piteous moans, pained gasps and the occasional scream emanate from behind the closed door, and when their mistress finally emerges there are no marks on her body, but she’s weak-kneed and having trouble walking straight, so who knows what kind of terrible tortures the Crown Princess has visited upon her.

The Crown Prince obviously hears about this, so he bursts in one day without warning, only to find the two sitting together, the Crown princess’s arms around Consort Yun’s waist, her cheek pillowed on one heaving bosom, and although she’s smiling besottedly at him now, he could have sworn that he felt killing intent being directed at him only a second ago? And to tell the truth, he’s not really in love Consort Yun either, it’s all an act to keep the two consorts (and their families) pitted in a power struggle against each other until he can finally outmanoeuvre the Empress and cement his position as heir to the throne (and also to protect his actual favourite, a third consort who’s a nondescript nobody with no political backing). So the fact that “It was all a misunderstanding, we’re friends now,” his Crown Princess says sweetly (and did she … rub her cheek against his Consort’s chest? Must be his imagination) is not the worst thing (at least neither of them/their families can be enlisted by the Empress in support of her son, and if they’re caught up with Being Besties, then at least they’re not bullying his actual favourite), but for some reason he still feels kind of … threatened? Like someone’s making moves on his wife, which is absurd because they’re both his wives, but the vibes he gets from the first one in particular are kind of … off?

In any case, the crew solve the mystery, find the lynchpin object (which turns out to be a jade dildo belonging to one of the Emperor’s favoured consorts because of course it is), and wake up in their real bodies, in their real world, to a very apologetic hermit-inventor-cultivator whose property they stumbled onto while pursuing a resentful beast. Turns out they triggered the glamour/enchantment/psychic maze world he created as a security system because, “I just didn’t want to risk people getting into my stuff, you know? I’ve got some things that could be very dangerous in the wrong hands”. WWX is like “oh yeah, for sure” and JC is like “WHAT DO YOU MEAN FOR SURE? HOW IS THIS AN UNDERSTANDABLE RESPONSE, IF YOU’RE AFRAID PEOPLE WILL TOUCH YOUR SHIT THEN JUST ENCHANT SOME FUCKING WARRIOR GOLEMS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.”

[ssamie]

nine. “partners in crime and suicide”

kozume kenma x fem dazai!reader

(bsd x hq)

tw: mentons of suicide & breaking into arcades

masterlist.        suicide freak!

"thank you for having us!" fukurodani exclaimed as they bowed. it was the end of their three-day practice match, and fukurodani was about to leave and were waiting for their bus. 

"hey hey hey!" bokuto called out. he waved his arms around, trying to get y/n's attention, all while akaashi quietly stood beside him. 

she chuckled and jogged over to the boy. "hey to you too, bokuto" she mused 

"y/n-chan! im gonna miss you!" bokuto said dramatically as he wrapped his beefy arms around her 

"i'll miss you too" she laughed "i'll be missing your awesome spikes, bokuto!" bokuto beamed from the praise and hugged her even tighter. "i know right! my spikes are awesome!" 

"you're too nice to him, y/n-san" akaashi commented 

"yeah, he's been thriving off your compliments for days" konoha snickered as he walked past  "he'll probably be down in the slumps once he can't hear you cheering for him anymore" 

bokuto pouted and rested his cheek on top of her head. "you're all so mean~" he whined 

"oi, oi, oi!" kuroo called out "bokubro, hands off our manager!" he glared playfully 

"no way!! join our team instead, y/n-chan!!" bokuto cried out as he squeezed her even tighter and swayed her around. "we already have two managers, bokuto-san" akaashi says as he tried to peel his huge arms off of her 

"we can have three!" bokuto countered 

"you can stick with two." kenma interjected. kenma stared him down, not talking nor blinking, silently waiting for him to let the girl go. 

"r-right!" bokuto smiled nervously. he let her go and sheepishly avoided eye contact with kenma. 

"kenma~" she cooed as she slithered her way towards him. "let's go out later" she suggested 

"where?" he asked 

"its a surprise, of course!" she exclaimed with a grin 

"you're not gonna kill me, are you?" 

"this is surprisingly nice.." kenma says as he pokes his mochi with his chopsticks 

y/n was sat across from him, a cup of tea in hand as she placed her mochi on his plate. "right? this is the usual restaurant the agency goes to" she said with a small smile 

kenma nodded and looked out the window as he chews on the sakura mochi. his cat-like eyes watched the cars and people pass by the streets. it was nearing night time, and the sky was slowly darkening, causing the street lights to turn on. 

"so, y/n.." he trailed off 

"hm?" she hummed back 

"why-" kenma stops himself, subconsciously letting out a tired sigh as he watched her pour some suspicious liquid into her drink. 

"what the hell are you doing?" kenma deadpanned as he watched her happily mix the contaminated tea. 

"shh! let me have my moment, kenma-kun!" she shushed him she giddily grasped the cup and brought it up to her lips. 

"y/n, stop that!" kenma exclaimed as he took the drink from her hands 

"what did you put in this?! it smells like death in a washing machine!" kenma gagged. he scrunched his nose up as he poured it out the window, emptying the cup before placing it back beside him, so she couldn't reach for it. 

"kenma! that was my suicide potion!" she cried out childishly 

"your suicide potion?" kenma deadpanned "that's stupid. please don't-" 

"dont worry though, i brought an extra one just in case!" she exclaimed "although it's just the chemicals so it'll probably sting my throat a bit" 

"how about you don't drink anything at all" kenma sighed. he shoved a mochi in her mouth and snatched the small bottle from her. 

"i thought we came here to have a peaceful meal, not so i could watch you die" he said "plus.. there's something i've been meaning to ask you" kenma said "but you just ruined the moment." 

"aw! are you finally agreeing to the double suicide?!" she asked with a huge grin. she took his hands in hers and intertwined their fingers together. "is that why you took the drink from me?" 

"you wanted to drink it together, didn't you?!" 

"no."

kenma shook his head and stared at their hands. more specifically, her bandages. "i wanted to know why you wore these bandages all the time.." he muttered 

he looked up to meet eyes with her. though, he soon panicked and frantically bowed his head in apology "i-i mean, if that's okay with you!" he shrieked "it's totally fine if you don't wanna tell me.." 

kenma gulped as she continued to stare at him with her (e/c) eyes and an unreadable expression. she then chuckled and pulled her hands away, stuffing them in her pockets as she leaned back on her seat 

"well, why do you think i wear them all the time?" she mused 

"um.. for injuries?" kenma replied, though he wasn't so sure of his answer 

she hummed and nodded along, not confirming nor denying it. 

"um, maybe for style?" he asked "though, you'd look perfectly fine without them" he said 

"would you like me not to wear my bandages?" she asked him 

"um well, no" kenma shrugged "i think it'd feel weird and new if i saw you without them" 

"maybe you just like bondage." she suggested with a straight face 

"i what??" kenma spluttered as a soft pink hue covered his cheeks "where did that come from?!" 

"i dunno, kenma-kun" she shrugged "maybe the reason you like seeing me in bandages so much is because-" 

"i don't wanna hear it." kenma groaned 

"also.. ʷʰᵒ ʷᵃˢ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵍᵘʸ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᵈᵃʸ?" he muttered bashfully 

she raised an eyebrow curiously as she asked him to repeat the question. 

"i asked.. who was that guy the other day?" kenma said much louder, much to his embarrassment 

"oh." she mumbled. just then, an evil grin formed on her lips as she giggled tauntingly. "oya oya~ why do you ask, kenma~" she teased as she poked on his cheeks 

"i- no reason, okay!" kenma exclaimed

he puffed out his reddened cheeks and looked down on his lap, letting his hair cover his face as he tried to ignore her teasing remarks "i just heard that he was your 'old partner' and i got curious" he said

"and how did you hear that, hm?" she smirked "were you spying on me?" 

kenma paled at the realisation of his slip up and groaned "well no- okay, kind of.." 

"we were just curious so we followed you.. but we stopped after you left the cafe" he admitted 

"hm, well his name is chuuya" she said with a fond smile "he's like a tiny chihuahua, and will probably bite you if you touch him" 

"oh.." kenma muttered "you guys seemed close..does he work for your agency too?" he asked 

she chuckled and shook her head. "no, no. quite the opposite of that, actually" 

"we're just old friends, i guess." she shrugged "we met at my old job"

"your old job?" kenma raised a brow "i kind of can't imagine you doing anything else, to be honest" 

"i mean, i wouldn't have believed you even worked as a detective if you didn't tell me yourself" he said with a soft laugh 

"well then, would you like to guess?" she asked with a smile. kenma blinked back, nodding as he pondered over his answer "well, i guess you could've been a.." he trailed off 

"um.." kenma groaned in frustration. he stared directly at her face, trying to think of a job suitable for her and her personality, though nothing came to mind. 

"dont bother burning your brain out, brat" a voice chimed in 

"yeah, y/n's old profession is still a mystery to us" another voice said 

kenma, along with y/n, looked back at the door to see kunikida and atsushi entering the cafe 

"oh! atsushi, weren't you aiming for the reward?" she chuckled "watch out, kenma might guess correctly before you!" atsushi panicked and rushed over to their side "was he close to the answer?!" atsushi shrieked 

"nope! but you can join the guessing game if you want!" she exclaimed with a cheeky grin 

"gladly!" atsushi exclaimed, pulling out a chair and setting it between them. "but just for context.." atsushi trailed off "the reward is still in tact right?" 

"yup! 700 grand for the correct answer!" she said with a laugh 

"700 grand?" kenma muttered "is the answer really that hard to guess?" 

"YES! THE ONLY PERSON WHO PROBABLY KNOWS IS RANPO-SAN AND-" atsushi cut himself off as he finally got a good look of kenma ".. youre that boy she's been obsessing about.." atsushi sweat dropped 

"y/n-san.." atsushi sent her a knowing glare, which she responds with an offended scoff 

"you hurt me, atsushi" she sighed "i asked him out, and he said yes! i didn't force him this time!" 

"what do you mean 'this time' ?" kunikida scowled "are you really pestering the poor boy?" kunikida said "sometimes it's like you're asking to be hit" 

kenma blinked as he watched them interact, slowly starting to feel awkward as the man in glasses continue to scold her while atsushi went back to guessing. 

"writer?!" atsushi guessed "nope!" 

"researcher!" ; "nooo!" 

"journalist!" ; "boo!" 

"fortune teller!" ; "wrong!~" 

"interpretor?!" ; "non, non~" 

"its all too random.." kenma commented as he, too, tried to think of the right answer 

"actor?!" atsushi shrieked "no! but.." she trailed off, placing her hands on her pink cheeks "that's flattering!" 

"y/n.." kenma muttered out. he reached over the table to tug on the sleeve of her coat. she screamed internally from his adorable act and faced him "yes?" she asked 

".. i wanna go to the arcade" kenma said with a pout 

she, quite literally, had to slap her chest repeatedly as she felt her heart beat faster. "kyANMAAA! YOU'RE SO CUTE!" she squealed "of course, we can go!" 

"well then, atsushi-kun, do you yeild?" she chuckled as she picked up the check from the table "well, i can't think of any more.." atsushi sighed defeatedly 

"then you can take our check!" she exclaimed as she sent him a cutesy smile. she shoved the bill into his hands and skipped away to the exit with kenma's hand in hers 

"wait! i don't have any money-" 

"bye-bye~" she waved as she closed the door 

"now then, let's get to that arcade" 

"y/n this is closed." kenma said with a sigh. they were currently standing infront of an arcade, obviously already closed, after walking for about half an hour 

"i know, kenma-kun! no need to state the obvious" she mused. she licked her lips as she continued fiddling with the lock, brows furrowing from concentration as she picked it open with a simple hair clip 

"so then why are we here??" kenma grumbled "we could've went to other ones that were open. and it's getting really late, you're lucky my parents aren't home for the week" he said 

"silly boy, it's not closed if the door is open, right?" she chuckled as she pointed to the arcade doors

"i wha- did you pick the lock?!" kenma whisper shouted  "this is illegal! we're literally breaking in!" he hissed out as he tried to run away 

though, she simply grasped his wrist and pulled him inside. "its fine, kenma! we'll just leave a note to the owner" she laughed carefreely "besides, it's not that big of a deal! we'll still pay for tokens!" she said with a smile 

kenma worriedly tiptoed inside, squinting his cat-like eyes as he tried to adjust to the dark. he slightly winced as bright, and colorful lights suddenly turned on. 

"oop- i found the power switch!" she announced "now then, what game should we play first.." she hummed to herself as she eyed each game

"this is it. i'm gonna die. we're gonna get arrested and i'll rot in the prison. thanks a lot." kenma chanted out. he nervously sat down on the seat infront of the screen which showed 'tekken' 

(bro i've never played that game before, and what do you call those huge metal box things with the games in arcades wtf ♀️)

 "i got tokens!" she exclaimed as she sat on the one across him.

"this is so wrong" kenma said with a shake of his head though despite that, he still reached out for the token and continued to play. 

after some time of pretty much trying out each game and tiring themselves out from the DDR machines by performing some embarrassing choreos. 

"okay, i kinda want that one" she said as she pointed to the cat plushy "why? there's one here that's so much bigger" kenma said as he pointed to the kuromi plushy which looked like it could swallow them whole 

"this cat looks like you." she defended "im gonna name him kyanma, won't that be cute?" 

"plus if we get this, we'll have enough tickets to get that game you want" 

staying true to her word, they didn't break or steal anything. so technically, they didn't commit a crime, right? well, only if you scratch out the breaking in part.. but that's okay. they had fun and that's all that matters, alright? 😃

"fine.." kenma mumbled as he plucked the plushy and the game off the shelf 

they threw the tickets on the counter, flashed the cctv cameras one last peace sign, and left. 

"i can't believe i just did that" kenma muttered out with a laugh "but it was fun. thanks for that, y/n" he smiled at her 

she blinked and stared at his side profile as they continued their walk home. "it was fun, yeah.." she chuckled 

"so.. how's it feel?" she mused "first crime in your record! do you feel like a misunderstood punk teen now?" 

"no, i feel like a criminal." 

"same thing!" she beamed with a grin 

she locked their arms together and gripped the plushy with her free hand, letting it dangle by her side as they walked "i just realized something.." she gasped 

kenma raised a brow and side eyed her "what is it?" he asked 

"we're now officially partners in crime and suicide!" 

"sure" kenma chuckled 

[thewritingstar]

The Sun Sets With You

Pairing: Blossutch 

Fandom: Powerpuff Girls 

Rating: T

Word count: 6k 

Warnings: Major Character Death. 

Note: I am so excited to finish this fic! Thank you so much to @creativecilla for commissioning time and time again. She asked for a sad and angsty fic so I hope I delivered! (She also asked for a happy fic so dont worry that's coming soon)

Don't worry there will be a little bonus after this so don't come for my throat too hard.

Anyways, I hope that you enjoy this because I had the time of my life writing it while crying.

Thanks for reading <3

(the italicized is flashbacks just in case ya confused :) 

✼　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　✼

“Your love is like a sunset, the longer I wait, it slowly fades into the sea, making a beautiful distraction, As loneliness and despair creep from behind like the shadow of the night.” -Albion Gremory

✼　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　 ҉　✼

The gate waits patiently for her to cross. It's black and shiny as if it were polished just for her. She has been here for almost an hour and yet she hasn't moved an inch. The bouquet of flowers she spent just as long picking out are starting to get annoyed by her lack of movement and although they don’t have a voice or emotions, she can tell they are growing weary too.

She doesn’t understand. Why couldn’t she simply walk forward and make this easy? She was a trained assassin, a spy at the very core where nothing could challenge her except for this field of grass. Grass that is bright green and thriving yet underneath its healthy roots, is a minefield of bodies. It's odd to think about. The care and water used to make sure that the green is at its brightest and the stone looks nice but in reality, it won’t matter.

Nothing matters anymore.

Her grip tightens on the poor flowers. A frail red ribbon holds them together instead of being wrapped in her ginger hair where it belongs. The last time she wore it was the day...it's been a while.

The cemetery has a familiar feel to it. She’s been here before. She has been here many times and has even memorized the grounds. However, this time is much more...intimate. A much more personal experience.

It was never personal because in her line of work, this was normal and happened often. You would come into the office and hear about the poor sucker that got shot, stabbed or blown to bits, grab a hopefully fresh cup of coffee and make sure that you don’t end up the same as them. It was all a part of the job to join the unavoidable circle of life.

Before it was just people whose identities changed day in and day out to avoid this particular outcome. To avoid becoming worm food and having fresh flowers at the bottom of your name. Death never meant anything to her but an end we all have to face. It never meant to stop and think about your life because she didn’t have one to live.

There was no glory waiting for her back home as she finished another mission. There was no dream to achieve because she plagued those of her mind years ago. Warmth and desire from others could not be tolerated. It was dangerous to have anyone close to you but hurt even more when they were gone.

Her dreams had been swept into the night and burned like a fallen star. They were meant for rare quiet days where she could close her eyes and have a glimpse of another chance at life and then it would be over and she couldn’t allow anyone to hold her back. But just as there are dreams, nightmares will surface too.

This was a nightmare only for her eyes. It was common for members of their work to come and pay respects if they got time but for this, she asked that she would be the first. And only then was anyone else allowed.

The months that ate away at her aching heart caused her to be the opposite. She said she had gone, said her dues and the rest followed. Her lies now corrupted her normal life, if you could even call it normal.

So she became the last person and perhaps that's for the best. Even in death, she keeps him waiting. But unlike the other times, he couldn’t leave or say anything about it. The silence of the coffin was enough for her to know that she might get the last words like always but she doesn’t want them.

She would rather keep her words to herself, her mouth stapled shut than utter the last words. She also knew that he would rather listen to her all day than have a moment of silence.

So here she is. A little black dress that poofs out gently at the bottom just above her knees. It was the same dress she had worn on their mission in Italy years ago. It had ended up on the hotel bathroom floor much sooner than expected, however this time the smell of sandalwood and pine had been washed out.

She feels like a housewife ready to see her lost husband coming back from the war in the form of a corpse. The only difference is her vision won’t include the golden bands. Her thumb grazes her ring finger feeling nothing but bare skin and it pains her to think that she was so close. So close to a dream.

She inhales and exhales. Her ability to control her emotions is unlike anyone else. If she chooses to be a stone wall, then nothing will make her crumble. For years she had seen bloodshed and violence. Encountered dangerous people and never once had a hard time sleeping.

Steps take her closer and she feels herself start to decay brick by brick.

Every breath comes out colder and slower and she doesn’t have to look to know she's right in front of it because all the oxygen surrounding her has left and replaced with a frosted void she's grown used to over these past few months.

“Hello.” Her voice is firm and polite.

Formal. She’s too formal and she can practically feel him rolling in his grave to tell her to die it down. Die it down. She hums at that thought and complies with the request that wasn’t even asked but she knows him.

Her feet slip out of her heels, the ones he had bought randomly. The ones she had danced in as he spun her slowly. Her toes feel the dew on the grass. She hates the feeling, her exposed skin starts to itch and irritate her but that just reminds her of her beating heart. So she forces herself to rest on her knees but keeps her eyes shut. Bravery was never something she lacked.

But being brave with her vulnerable emotions had never come easy.

“Just open them.” She scolds herself. No one is around but she feels like the entire world is staring at her.

This isn't work.

This isn’t a mission.

This is him.

Slowly her eyes flutter open to reveal the truth she tried to conceal. The wall inside of her has fallen. There's a suffocating way about this all. She's a woman of logic, a see it before believe it kind-of-person. It's a crumbling mess that turns her into ruins.

And that's when it hits her.

Like the fall of Rome, there are no survivors. There is no happy ending here. Everything leads to Rome...everything leads to heartbreak eventually.

Tears overwhelm everything else. Blossom Utonium has cried for a fallen coworker but never once had she had to grieve and take in the burden of her heart growing dark and heavy.

Her fingers clench the soil. She didn’t want to cry. Didn’t want to sob, not at the risk of seeming weak, but to actually force herself to come to terms with it. To see it written in stone as literal as it comes.

Butch Jojo is dead.

There’s no other way to put it. No soft angle to come at. No lessening the blow because she was there and saw it with her own eyes. No one had to tell her because she relieved it every time her eyes closed.

How was she supposed to go on? He was the piece of her puzzle that fit so neatly and perfectly. She didn’t realize that the picture became indecipherable the moment he was removed. She clawed at that table trying to put back all the pieces. Trying to figure out where they all go but she's left with segments that don’t seem to fit any longer.

He was her sun and moon, the day and night and every other cliche slapped onto an overpriced Hallmark card. He was it all, and now he is gone. Gone too soon and she barely had him in the first place.

The gravestone itself is simple. It's the only one on the lot that isn't decorated by a three foot high statue or a giant cross. It's as basic as they come yet the man it was for was far from it. There was no luxury of filling the coffin with a body. So every bit of him was taken physically and metaphorically from her.

His name is in an elegant cursive and his birth name. Something most people didn’t know. Usually spies and assassins change up their name to make their identity untraceable. She had known him as many different names, but Butch was the only one who she cared about. The only one to ever make her feel like herself.

Her fingers hover above the engraving before setting on the coldness and tracing it with the tip of her index finger. It takes her breath away like an old candle finally burning out.

She wonders if a cruel joke is being played on her as she stares at the curls of the cursive. It was the same font she had chosen for their makeshift wedding invitations the moment she realized that he was the one. Of course he would have had comic sans or some heavy metal font on his tombstone if he was given the chance just to spite everything and everyone.

She's sure that this was already made far before his death. In fact, she's convinced that everyone already has a grave with their name stored somewhere in the back for fast and easy access. Hers is probably waiting and collecting dust.

“Hi.” She utters, less formal than the first time and that felt like ages ago. “For the first time, I’m speechless.” She confesses. “I’m not quite sure what to say.”

For days she sat underneath her flickering desk light writing a speech for a funeral that no one would attend.

The words never came into place even though she deemed herself a thoughtful writer. But what do you say when the person who gave you a reason to speak is gone? Was there anything worth uttering when she couldn’t bring herself to do it?

But she wrote. She wrote everything she had felt and ended with a flood of pages on her desk. Pens with tired ink cartridges littered her desk and endless chicken scratched papers were tossed away. It needed to be thoughtful and inviting but in reality, it just needed to be the words she never said.

The moment she finished writing them, she threw them into a box to never see the light of day. But when she finally had the courage to come and pay her respects, she became drawn to them. Her mind fought with her hands to take them even if she decided to keep them in her purse.

Her purse opens and she takes out a few pages. The ones that made her heart ache the most and that are decorated with stains of dried tears. She clears her throat. “The first time I met you, I thought nothing of it. It was in front of the coffee maker at work, you had just joined our firm and you walked by, glanced at me and then you were gone into the other room. That was it. That's what we were meant to be. A simple meeting of the eyes and then we don’t interact again.”

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The coffee drips way too slow, she thinks. A state of the art facility full of lasers, guns and cars and they couldn’t be bothered to get something just slightly better. The mug finishes filling just in time for her patience to run out. She grabs it and turns to look out towards the rows of cubicles that make it seem like a simple office.

Instead of a bored coworker looking tired at a computer, she's met with green eyes and an emotionless face. For a second she saw his lips turn into a smirk. It's quick. A match striking the box with a flame igniting on impact. And then it’s dropped in water and out just as fast. He's gone by the time she blinks next and even though it was nothing, those eyes fueled a fire she wasn’t sure she had.

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“But then I kept seeing more and more of you.”

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“You clean up nice.” Blossom turned to see a guy. She recognized him from last week, a new transfer who she only caught a glance at. He was in a highly expensive tux and was adjusting the equally priced watch on his wrist.

“I assume you must be my new partner.” She said as she mentally analyzed him slowly. Slicked black hair, looks as if he goes to the gym quite often, hands looks steady for a firearm. Green. Forest green eyes.

He smiled. “Must be.”

“You can call me Amanda.” Her fake name suited her fine as she checked the time. “I hope that you read over the files of our mission.”

“I tend to skim and wing it.” He winked and that irked her. “Matts fine for the evening.”

Blossom, or Amanda for now, kept her eyes from rolling and walked to him and wrapped her arm around his. “You might be my husband for this mission but if you fuck up, you better be thankful this isn’t legally bounded.” She finished with a flutter of her eyelashes and a smile before pulling him along.

She didn’t get too far before he pulled her back and her bright pink eyes met deep green ones closely. “I take my job very seriously. But I wouldn’t dream of making you mad at me. But on the other hand, I admire strong women.”

She didn’t know why she didn’t smack him in the face. Usually every partner who has tried to flirt or mess with her learned the hard way that is a no no. Yet, even after moments of knowing him, there was something genuine about him that she couldn’t quite understand but became interested in.

“Glad to see we are on the same page Matt.”

“Of course Amanda.” Butch replied and held out his hand. “After you.”

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The trees nearby moved in the breeze without a care in the world. They had nothing to care for except for their leaves changing in the fall and losing them in the winter. But leaves always came back, they always blossomed and started a new life and were the same tree no matter how many times the seasons passed.

She wondered if those trees ever felt heartbreak or if it was easier to lose something when you know it will come back to you with time. She envied those trees. Envied the way that they can continue their lives just growing and flourishing and it felt like her leaves were turning to dust as she was being cut down.

From her purse she pulled out a thermos and two plastic cups. She nestled one into the ground as she poured the wine into the cup and then one into hers.

“I never cared for this brand of wine before I met you.” She smiled softly and took a sip. “Never cared for a lot of things. Yet this was your favorite and everytime we had a mission, I could always find you relaxing with a glass. I guess it became an acquired taste over time. You became my taste.”

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“Care for a glass?” He asked her as she sat in front of the fireplace.

Due to them working together for more than a year, the agency decided that personal rooms weren’t necessary and if anyone were to see them leave together and follow, it would fit with their stories.

Blossom looked up from the book she just pulled out. A dissatisfying glare focused on the bottle in his hand. “No thanks, that stuff is garbage.”

Butch, or well, Sebastian for the evening, scoffed. “Garbage?” He exclaimed dramatically. “This is some of the finest wine in the world.”

“I’ve had better.”

“It's from Italy!”

“I prefer local or even cheap box wine to that.” Blossom scanned her book.

Butch only huffed again but still proceeded to pour two glasses and joined her on the floor.

“I said I didn’t want any.”

“I think you just haven’t had it with the right company.” He smirked and offered her the glass.

She rolled her eyes and took the glass, her book forgotten now. Blossom brought the glass to her lips, took a sip and tried her best to hold back a grimace. “It's fine.”

He only shook his head and drank his own glass, the small smile on his lips never leaving. “Butch.”

She turned the glass in her hand then glanced at him. “What?”

“Butch. That's my name, my real name.”

Her heart started beating quicker. “Why are you telling me this? You shouldn’t be.”

It was a common understanding. You might know the face of your partner or colleagues but a name and identity was off the table. The only thing anyone needed to track down someone was a name. And the moment it's out there, you can start counting your days.

Butch shurgged and downed the rest of his wine. “Not sure. Never told anyone before. Well anyone who I didn't know beforehand. But there's something about you. I don’t think you fully trust me. I get it of course. I don’t trust people at all.”

“So why tell me?” She questioned.

His eyes met hers. Seriousness washed across his face and any hint of amusement was gone. “I have no one in my life who knows me as Butch anymore. Only myself and my thoughts. And after years in this shit business-you’re the only partner I’ve had that I trust with my life.”

Her fingers tighten around the stem of the glass. Her poor heart is beating much faster; she's sure he can hear it. She’s never had a partner like him. Never met a person who she blindly trusted like this.

“Blossom.” She blurts out. “My name is Blossom.”

And that smirk returns and his eyes soften. She's seen him kill a man before and yet he looks so incredibly soft and honest.

“That's a pretty unique name.”

“My father told me it was because of cherry blossom trees.” She smiles at the memory. She reaches and takes the brown contact from her eyes. Her main defying feature that no one but the higher ups knew about.

Her eyelashes flutter as she places them in the contacts case. She looks back at Butch and prepares for the intergation look.

It never comes.

Instead he's looking at her as if she's the most interesting thing in the world. Pastel pink eyes greet his own and he's taken back and tries to keep these emotions down.

“Its weird I know-

“You’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever met.” He interrupts. “And I swear I’m not drunk.

That flicker resurfaced. The match struck the box but the flame was held much longer this time. Her reaction surprised the both of them as she laughed and her smile reached her eyes, something they haven’t done naturally in years.

She controlled her laugh and hummed bringing the glass to her lips and taking another sip. It wasn’t as bad as the first. “And you are very-”

“Charming? Irresistible?”

“Interesting.” She finished.

The bottle poured more wine into his glass and he tapped it to hers. “I’ll take it for now.” He winked.

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Her glass is empty now. She pours the glass for him into the soil, hoping to give him one last taste of what he loved.

“Over the years I forgot myself, you have to.” Blossom tells him. “I forgot my passions and hobbies. The simple pleasures of life were taken from me when I joined this path.”

The books on her shelf at home had collected dust over the years. The pages stuck as the days passed but only recently did she find herself opening them, even to just a random page and basking in the tiny shred of warmth it gave her.

“I felt those pleasures rise with you. Even buying a simple candle because you said you liked the scent brought me a joy I hadn’t noticed was missing. I was missing everything in life because I didn’t have a light to guide me.”

She bites her lips hoping to stop another sob. How many tears can a person shed in a short amount of time? When do they stop and allow the body to rest?

“That first time you kissed me.” Her voice cracks. “That's when I started believing that life could be more than what we were conditioned to do.”

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Her feet ached. Her heels were in her hands and she was tired from another successful work day. After six months of locating and sniffing out an underground drug market, they finally caught the group of men.

She glanced at her shoes and dress, irritated that the blood ruined another perfectly good outfit. She wanted to just get into her room, take a bath and pass out on her bed and to not be distrubed for at least seventy two hours.

She got to her hotel door and started to search for her key.

“Oh shit.” She grumbled. Her purse was nowhere in sight.

“Here.”

Blossom turned to see Butch holding the desginer bag.

A sigh of relief left her lips as she took it and fished out the key card. He leaned against the wall, clearly tired and wanting to rest like her. Two years they had been partners. The longest partnership she’s had and she wasn’t complaining. Usually they shared a room on missions but they had separate rooms this time.

“Tired?” She glanced at him.

“No, I'm fully awake.” He said sarcastically. “I feel like I got hit by a freight train.”

“I’m sure those guys thought they did too when you punched them.” Her door clicked open but she didn’t move.

“Oh please, you did most of the heavy lifting. I mean who takes down a giant dude with a high kick in heels.” He was practically beaming with pride from the memory. “Badass stuff Bloss.”

She was sure there was a blush on her cheeks. Shaking those thoughts from her head she smiled and opened the door. “Goodnight Butch.”

“Night.”

…

..

.

“Isn’t this the part where you walk into your room?” He raises a bow that is answering the silent question she asked.

She straightens her back. “Shouldn’t you be walking to yours?”

He moves closer to her. Brushing the hair on her shoulders off and there's a buzz throughout her as his fingers graze her shoulders.

He's closer now. Their lips only inches apart and although her body is killing her and aching, she can’t help but let her mind wander.

“I prefer the view right here.” He says in almost a whisper that makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand. “And possibly even the taste.”

His lips press against hers. They have kissed many times in front of people on missions but it's never been like this. Never a sign that everything she had been feeling, wanting could be hers for the taking.

It's not fast and heated. It's slow as if he's testing out the waters that he can glady swim in. It's a sign that they know they shouldn’t be doing this but for once, she's playing by a different set of rules.

They break apart. The kiss wasn’t very long but the sparks linger and scorch through her body. She's afraid to look at him now. Afraid that rejection and everything she had told herself not to want, can’t be hers. The ground should just swallow her whole now.

She feels a hand softly touch her cheek and she looks up at him. This look on his face, she can't describe it. She can see the gears turning in his head, wondering if this was a mistake just as she thought.

But rejection never comes. He doesn’t pull or push away.

Instead his lips turn slightly up. “I know we fight for the greater good, but I’m starting to think I have a different purpose.”

“What?” She questions.

“You.”

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She could have sworn it's only been a few minutes but the sky’s blue had morphed into a dusty pink. A wonderful sunset that she is surprised she can still find beauty in. She knows she’ll have to leave soon. She is afraid that when she does, she might not come back.

One of the final happy moments with him was weeks before his death. Five years they had known each other and it was all washed down the drain.

Her head turns towards the sky as she basks in the sunset. “I hope that wherever you are there are still skies like these.”

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Sunsets in Hawaii were much better in person than any photo could capture.

“Another successful mission.” Blossom giggles as she takes a sip of her mai tai. Her feet are swaying above the water and the breeze flows through her hair. She hasn’t remembered being this peaceful but she could get used to it.

“Yeah.” Butch says as he downs his drink.

Five years she's known him. Every action and mannerism he's done is burned in her memory. It's the most priceless information she has, the most important because it's all hers.

He seems calm, she admits. But something is on his mind. He's not thriving in the glory of another mission or running around crazy and jumping into the ocean like the days before. He seems to be in deep thought. Something she's not quite sure she likes.

The horizon catches her eyes. “The sky is pretty.” She adds.

“Runaway with me.”

The movement of the waves stops. The breeze halts and her eyes widen.

“What?” She turns towards him. “Runaway?”

He nods. “Runaway from this place and all its madness. We could get married, travel the world, anything you want.” He took her hand. “I don’t care where we go. I just want to be with you.”

“With me?” She's practically speechless.

Butch cracks a smile. “Only you. Imagine this.” He scoots closer to her and wraps his arm around her shoulder. “A house on private property, hell maybe even a beachfront. You have your own little library and I’ll even get you a nice espresso machine. A garden with all the flowers you could imagine and even a baby grand piano since I know how much you love to play.”

The images flood her mind. “That sounds lovely.”

“And you wanna know the best part?” He asks.

She nods her head. “Tell me.”

“I would get to wake up each morning with you in my arms.” He smirks and kisses her softly.

“That would be the best part.” She hums against his lips. Her stomach then drops. “But we can’t.”

“Three good reasons.”

She tried to think. How could she leave the agency she's been in since she was a kid? How could she throw everything away? These feelings she had were all muddled into a mess that she didn’t know how to get out of. That vision he told her sounded like a dream.

That's what this was. A dream. Something she wasn’t allowed to have. But she wanted it.

Butch sighed. “I guess it's easier for me cause I’m selfish.” He smiled softly at her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Whatever choice you make, as long as I can still be by your side, is fine by me.”

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Blossom looks at the notes in her hands then back to the stone.

“I’m sorry Butch.” She cries and crumples them. Tears overwhelm her once again but she doesn’t wipe them or try to stop it. She is a dam that's been holding it all for too long. Holding her emotions for years and she was tired.

“Everyone told me to come here to get closure, but I don't want that. I want to feel the emptiness and shallowness. I want to cry myself to sleep and wish I could hold you again. It's torturous and cruel to think like that but it means that it was real. And that it was mine. This-” She beats her fingers against her chest, against her heart. “This is yours.”

“I am sorry Butch. I vowed to never let my heart act over my head. And that is something I regret deeply. You were right. You always have been. You wanted me without hesitation and I’m sorry I was guarded. But I swear when I was with you I wasn’t.”

The laughter and joy he brought her. She felt like she was breathing for the first time around him and even in the most serious situations there was still an element of peace.

“I had hoped that I would never have to say this. Never had to face this reality because it's too painful. I tried to deny it all, even though I watched it happen. Maybe if I had never let myself be charmed by you, I could avoid all these feelings but we both know that you were just so-’ She bites a laugh. “Irresistible.”

Her voice got louder as her sobs grew. “Every single moment was worth it. Your eyes and your smile. The way you knew what I was thinking even though no one else could ever know. I treated it like our job but the truth is, I wanted you to figure me out so I could finally tell myself it's okay to be happy. That's what you were Butch. My happiness.”

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This can’t be happening, she thought. Never in her entire career had she been kidnapped and captured. She was careful and guarded but they got the best of them this time.

The gag in her mouth was doing its job and her wrists were bound behind her back. The cold chill ran up her spine as she watched the men drag him in front of her. He was a few feet away and his face was covered in blood and bruises.

“Only one of you makes it out alive.” The man said.

She tried to pull against the restraints but felt the cool metal touch the back of her head.

“No moving sweetheart.” She heard behind her.

She watched as they removed Butch’s gag and he choked on the air before his hair was pulled and he was forced to look at her.

Those dark green eyes met with frightened brown but he knew that below the color was a brilliance of magenta that he adored.

He should be scared and terrified. And he was. But looking at her even in this state, he felt a sense of happiness wash over him. Everything he never thought he could have was right there in front of him.

Tears fell from her eyes as she watched the man stab him in the stomach. The knife plunged into his flesh and Butch let out a horrifc cry as she screamed into the gag.

“Dying words buddy?” The man laughed as he pulled out a gun and held it up to head.

Even through the pain shooting through his body, he looked at her with tears in his eyes.

His lips turned into a smile, even with blood coating his teeth. “Blossom-” He coughed.

No.

No.

Please No!

She wanted to scream and tell him that she takes it all back. She wanted her dress and the ring. She wanted their own house and a piano where she could play for him.

Everything. She wanted everything.

She wanted him.

“I love you.” He says. 

BAM!

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Her breath catches in her throat as she sees it. The blood and the life leaving his eyes. It replays and she tries to stop the memory.

“Could you ever forgive me?” She sobs. “Forgive me for not telling you?”

Her hand presses against the gravestone. She's not sure what she's hoping for but it's cold.

“You said it moments before your death and I couldn’t even let you die with that. Yet through that you smiled at me. You fucking smiled as death was taking you faster than I could realize because you knew. I couldn’t say it. No matter how much I wanted to tell you, I was afraid that the moment I did, this would happen. I wasn’t prepared to lose you. I wasn’t ready to face a life where I would spend every waking moment wondering if waking up next to you was truly real or a dream.”

Anger rises in her. Anger at the world and the men who killed him. Angry at the agency who turned the other eye when he died. There was nothing for her there anymore. She realized it way too late that she was robbed of everything from this life. Robbed of having him because she was afraid.

“I don't get it. How did you make me want that so bad? How you took my heart and made it beat faster than ever before. You told me to be selfish so here it is. I want you. I want you back and alive so that I can go and buy that white dress. I want everything you said.”

The anger bubbling shifts. It lingers but she takes a deep breath. It won’t help her to be angry or to bring him back. That sorrow takes its hold over her again. It's sad but calming as she tries to reason with herself that he is gone. She knows closure won’t come but she's okay with that.

“But that's not the reality anymore. I can’t change the past but I won’t change the future either. I am deeply and madly in love with you Butch. You gave me a glimpse of what a normal and fulfilling life could be and I thank you for that. Thank you for giving me slices of happiness and making me feel like I was worth loving.”

She reaches into her purse one last time and pulls out a letter and a box. “I resigned and I bought myself a ring.” She opens it and slips on the silver band with a small opal. “It's silly I know, not even a wedding ring. I hope you don’t mind. I stole one of the gems from your watch to make it.” She cries.

“They took all your stuff you know.” Her hands quiver as she stares at her ring. “They took every part of you like it was nothing, like you didn’t exist at all. The watch was all I could get.”

The sun is now setting and the breeze picks up. She's not cold anymore, and can't feel anything.

“They’ll kill me, I'm sure of it. That's what happens when you leave. And when they do, I better see you on the other side. A place where we can watch the sunset and have our little home. A place where this emptiness inside me can be whole again. I just want a place where I can love you.”

The glasses and letters go back into her purse. The flowers lay with her ribbon at the base as she stands and dusts off her dress.

She finally wipes her tears and forces a wonderful soft smile. “You were the most charming and wonderful man I have ever had the honor of working with. But most importantly, you were proof that dreams could come true.”

She touches the stone one last time. Feels the coolness but it's not as frightening. She's not afraid anymore. Blossom takes a step back and her eyes dance over his name one last time. She slips on her heels and grabs her purse.

“Goodbye my love.” She says and makes her way across the grass to the black gate.

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I hope you enjoyed! 

[readbythestarlight]

c2e130

I missed the ad except from the very end but RIP hacker Sam

This is amazingly awkward

“What have you done?!” the poor man’s having a panic attack

“You brought her HERE?!”

“You think I would just Willy-nilly bring her here?”

“YES!”

[[MORE]]

He knows you too well Jester

She’s laying it on a little thick

Anyway I love him

Jester

Darling

Not trying to set them up huh?

Oh no Nugget!!

Nugget can just poof himself wherever he wants tho it’s fine

“I look like my mom” oh my GOD I’m crying

By the time they come back from shopping all of the criminals are going to have adopted Luc

It’ll be like that meme “I’ve only known this halfling child for 20 minutes but if anything happens to him we’ll kill everyone in this city and then ourselves”

Oh wait

Going to Pumat’s is a BAD idea

Lmao he is NOT subtle

As bad an idea as this is I have missed him

That’s def an assembly spy

Cad trying to do Fjord’s southern accent xD

“Do you have enchanted oats?”

“...Is that a thing?”

Marion and Jester make me cry

FUCK your Trent

“For once in your very little life—“ hot DAMN, Caleb, what a burn!

Oh no oh god

OH NO OH FUCK

OH NO YUSSAH WHAT DID YOU DO

YUSSAH

Fuck y’all the city has him doesn’t it

Oh, Veth :(

Y’all are making me worried/nervous about Veth making it back okay stop

I forgot Fjord and Jester and Yasha had never been there

Gosh I love his family

The death flags are strong tonight and I don’t like it

Oh Calliope...

Oh Caduceus.......

Y’all this is crushing me

“I was gonna be the one who stayed” oh???

God can you imagine an alternate version where Caduceus stayed in his lonely home forever while his family all left him one by one

“I don’t wanna go. But I don’t want you to go either. Cause it has to be me. Cause ive already seen it, and it will just horrify me just a little less than the rest of you.”

God, they’re all so tired aren’t they? I think I’m just realizing how tired they all are.

They need a break after this. A few long weeks at the very least.

“Look at what the world has done to my hair.”

I’m gonna cry y’all if everyone doesn’t come back safe I’m gonna be a wreck

“If there’s a way for my body to get back here—“ SHUT UP

I’m literally so stressed out irl rn that I’m on the verge of crying over this but I’m also glad we got this scene with Cad. He doesn’t get to have these moments often enough I don’t think.

Oh fuck y’all

I hate this

Cas: “sorry I got angry. I don’t usually raise my voice and storm out.”

The M9: ?????? Bitch WHERE????

He had dreams about them and the eyes holy shit

I am so scared y’all

If Beau ends up with another eye from this I will quit

FUCK YOU LUCIEN

“Do you have like a manager I could speak to? I don’t really want to talk to you.” I love Beau and I’m crying thank god for that laugh

Fucking hell girl

Goddammit

Monk shit is best shit

Cad ships BeauYasha so hard

Can we stop having conversations that make me sad and just all go to bed please

God they all fully expect to die don’t they

I’m not emotionally stable enough for this rn

Fjord is just being so calm and positive about this and I’m just gonna cry about it

“We’re coming back” DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE

Fjord and Jester are so cute y’all I literally cannot handle them

Caleb having his goodbye moment with Frumpkin. This cast is determined to destroy me in every possible way.

“So much family...”

Shut UP Caleb I will not accept this negative energy

“We’ll do our best to keep families together” that sounds like some planned self-sacrificing energies there

“If we do make it back, you’ve been a good companion all this time. Actually it’s a win-win for you because if we all die out there you get to go back to where your home is. But if we do make it back, I’m going to let you go anyway. Because... you’re not my cat. My cat is dead.” Caleb please.

“But you’re a good boy anyway, and you’ve done a lot of good for me, so. One way or another you’ll be free soon.”

Caleb no

I’m gonna cry this is too much

I don’t want Frumpkin to go

Okay Yasha time

“A flower that seems kind” awww

Yasha’s attempts to reach out to the Stormlord are so soft and so sweet

Matt it’s supposed to be a kind flower don’t let it poison her

Oh

It’s about time he answer her

Oh hot damn that was good

I’m a wreck from this episode like emotionally exhausted but this is so good

“I wanted everyone to get high and find their gods” xD

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 09.10.20 lb

lol, lemme preface this by telling you what i know about the show from my out-of-context insta-viewing:

kabir sends his gf riddhima in to spy on vansh RAISINGHANIA (naam ka wazan check karein ji. kaafi hi bhaari-bharkam, just like the fake baritone the actor playing the character is being forced to put on.) vansh is some kinda shady, but idk WHAT SPECIFIC KIND of shady..... like is he just your garden-variety-evil-capitalist-ala-ambani-bezos, or is he into shit like drug smuggling and human/organ trafficking???? no one knows. maybe a little bit of both. but kabir’s a COP, and we all know that those fuckers are the shadiest shits around (#ACAB) so yeah, true to type, kabir shadyyyyyyyy. he’s actually the secret illegitimate son of vansh’s stepmom and together they wanna ruin vansh and take all his monies. so anyway, kabir sends in riddhima, who’s just a whole special brand of dumbass, but also extraordinarily determined in the way only tellywood heroines are. so she’s basically sticking her nose everywhere that doesn’t belong and being a pain in the ass of literally everyone in the show, including her own (coz she seems to get injured in novel and entertaining ways in every second episode.) kabir ultimately manipulates her into marrying vansh, while vansh has apparently married her KNOWING that she’s a spy and is probably playing the long game to see who her puppet-master is. long story short, heterosexuality is too potent a force and the Stupid Spy Girl and Gangsta Guy are currently slowly giving in to the Feelz™, despite missing that one-little-teensy-weensy-who-even-needs-it-in-a-real-relationship thing. y’know, that little thing called, idk, i think it’s called “TRUST” or some such strange unheard-of concept.

oh, in between all this there’s also some bizarre plot about some ex of vansh’s called ragini, who’s dead??? missing? idk. kabir is real interested in that and wants to jail vansh for it, but we’ve long forgotten about ragini by this point #RIPSis anyway, there’s some kinda statue of her’s in the attic or some shit, coz vansh is some kinda modern day gender-reversed medusa who turns women who cross him into statues??? idk man, idk. so riddhima is pretty much in constant danger of being statue-d.

also vansh has a requisite irritating famiy in tow, that he’s burdened with being in charge of (coz no rest for the unfortunate eldest son who lives in this godforksaken mansion, be that an oberoi or a raisinghania) feat: a dadi who is well-meaning, but as annoying as the one in IB was, constantly spouting platitudes about how vansh and Spy Girl trooooooly lurrrrrrrrrrve each other *kissy noises*; some chachi/chacha who are all “HEY WHY DOES HE GET TO BE THE BOSS, WE WANT CONTROL OF THE CRORE-ON KA BIJNESS TOO”, some very fake kanji-eyed siblings/cousins who are supreme bitches, and ofc one (1) normal sibling who is sweet but really does nothing around here. oh and there’s his right hand man/bff too, who seems to be not 100% (maybe just 83%?) incompetent like everyone else. that poor sod just got suckered into marrying Kanji Aankhon Waali Bitch Sister, who is pregnant with some total rando’s baby, and is just an all-round asshole to Riddhima/Right Hand Man, because “ugh, yeh do kaudi ke middle class naukar log, cheeeeee.”

ok now that the sasta, not-at-all-useful recap has been done, LET’S GET INTO THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

———————————————————————

the chachi is screaming her goddamn headdddd off coz her room is on fire. ofc it is. when has anything good ever happened in this manhoos house of horrors.

lmao the kanji eyed cousin has like 3% concern that his mom will be fried like a taaza jalebi. he's literally sauntering luxuriously towards his mom's room jaise park mein tehel raha ho.

chachi's screaming is getting on my nerves. aunty you're wasting valuable oxygen this way.  

riddhima is behind some secret box that aryan and chachi stashed in the room.

THESE PPL ARE SO CHILL ABOUT A WHOLE ROOM ON FIRE (note: it’s shivaay's room in IB) and they're just hanging out in the living room (which if you’ll remember, IS ATTACHED TO THE ROOM THAT WAS SHIVAAY’S) as if fire doesnt have a tendency to y'know..........  SPREAD RAPIDLY.

riddhima is fighting with the bloody fireman saying ki i need to save the box. #priorities

aaaaaaand the fireman is kabir, who has come to haath maarofy on Box of Secrets.

and we know this coz he did a DRAMAAAAAAAAATIC reveal by taking off his mask. in a room FULLY ON FIRE. idhar non-flaming rooms mein bhi ab mask nikaalna danger ho gaya hai, and this guy justtttttttttt dgaf. tum jaison ki wajaah se hi we can't bloody stop the spread.

my god this house has been decorated soooooooo fucking tackily. never thought the oberois would be the classy ones.

shady saasumaa and riddhima stinkeye-ing each other over a bowl of shehed. lol, what even. truly some "rasode mein kaun tha" lvl of politics.

oh ho, saasumaa and kabir lagaaofied the aag.

saasumaa gloating over the fact that riddhima will now never get her hands on Box of Secrets.

flashback time: hahahahaha KABIR LITERALLY LOBBED A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL INTO THE ROOM AND CHACHI DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING HEAR IT OR ANYTHING. lmao everyone in this show is a dumbass. how blissful life must be with just one (1) working brain cell.

riddhima runs into flaming room. ofc now we will have a prolonged sequence where kabir tries to keep his identity and riddhima being the dheent that she is, will give chase.

please note, that not even 48 hours ago, this woman walked barefoot on a bed of coals AND a hallway full of broken glass. AND NOW SHE'S RUNNING FULL SPEED BEHIND KABIR AS IF SHE’S PT USHA. SIS, TUMHARE PAIR HAIN KI KYA HAIN? YOU'RE LONG OVERDUE FOR AN INTENSE PEDICURE AFTER THIS WEEK.

and ofc, he got into a getaway car and made it away.

yeh lo, iss beech mein dadi behosh. ouff.

whooooooooops, dadi has some weird blue nishaan on her neck.

LMAO KABIR SHOT AT RIDDHIMA WITH A POISON BULLET OR SYRINGE OR SOME SHIT, WHICH HIT DADI INSTEAD. LMAO MAN THIS SHOW. IT'S SO FUCKING DUMB, I LOVE IT.

some more stinkeye politics between saas bahu.

bahu is passive-aggressively giving saasumaa roses to congratulate her on winning this round.

riddhima is dheent!max. she's like kuch bhi ho, i'll find the secret anyway and your victory will witherrrrrrr awayyyyyyyy like these flowerssssss and you will be left with the thorns that will prick youuuuuuuu!!!!!!!

LMAO SAAS IS FULLY ROLLING HER EYES AT RIDDHIMA'S DRAMATIC ASS #SAME

just looking at helly's ears is making my ears hurt like a bitch. 

hey riddhima, have you ever thought that maybe this secret child of hers is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS?????? like honestly, the entitlement desis have to know the workings of other ppl’s wombs.

lol dumbass mummyji crumpled the flowers in her hand and played right into riddhima's stupid kaante waala metaphor. #ramMilayiJodi

hero ko covid hai toh ainvayi ke phone calls se kaam chalaana pad raha hai.

the dude left his house for literally the first time in months and the place is on fire and dadi got shot in the neck with poison. and the wife doesn't think she should tell him so that he doesn't become "pareshaan". sure, this seems like a dude who'll take this kinda thing real light when he finds out later.

(hint: he’s not. he’s a crazed, overprotective weirdo about his family. sound familiar?????)

this guy's dialogue delivery is so dodgy. idk what it is, it just seems so affected.

that plus the ainvayi ka editing just showing him in some random car (clearly from the earlier eps)  is just adding to the jankiness of the scene.

husband dude seems to know wifey's quirks quite well. kinda cute, kinda creepy. 

lol kal tak toh yeh banda itna romantic nahi tha. like he had a smooth moment here and there, but he was mostly real awkward and robotic and unsure how to handle These Strange New Feelings™. now he’s spouting cheesyass lines about being able to see the one who is special to you with dil ki aankhein and idk what.

who are these people who like SHARING their room with another person? #unrealistic

but i also i get you, riddhima. he was pretty much the only thing worth looking at in this room, coz the rest of it is so damn fugggggg. this room should be the one set on fire.

dang, some steamy scenes between them in the flashbacks. ouff abhi jaake episodes dhundne padenge. coz #tharkiTTisTharki

riddhima doing dadi seva. boooooooooring.

ofc dadi ki sui is always atkofied on playing cupid for pota, taaki she can score some par-pota/potis.

riddhima ki best friend ka happy birthday hai.

riddhima is like a lottttt has happened in my life, can't really tell you over a call. yup, that’s for sure. 

ok apparently sejal who said she’s in dubai now is NOT in dubai?? she's just up and flew to mumbai to "surprise" riddhima...... on HER OWN birthday? #doesNotCompute

lmao kabir's annoyance with mummy's useless glass of water. WHY DO MOMS THINK EVERYTHING CAN BE SOLVED WITH DRINKING MORE WATER?!?!?!!

now he's yelling at mom about how she's ruined everything. sure. blame the only one who's actually doing shit around here, while you sit on your ass in this room, glaring and growling like a hangry bear.

some menacing dialogue about how he needs to thikaane lagaaofy riddhima's hosh.

which has been overheard by bff sejal, who went and dropped a showpiece from shock. cool. so she gonna die. bye sejal, hardly got to know ya!

sejal being here doesn’t even make sense. she thought he was a PT teacher. then why did she show up here at his police waala office? also how did she connect the dots about the whole damn story with like 0.04% context that she got from what she overheard? kuchhhhhhh bhi.

[thetriggeredhappy]

👀 hmmmmmm?

ok, the WIP itself is going under a cut because it’s pretty long, but the explanation will stay up here above it.

so the premise was that i wanted more practice with experimental storytelling because, i’ll be honest, i was in a weird place mentally and that’s one way i work shit out. so i did the thing everyone else who writes for the TF2 motherfuckers does and i messed with the understood conventions of Respawn. the idea was that Respawn does three things: first of all, it brings people back from the dead and to a previous save state of them, a singular state at a specific age for all of them. this means that none of them age, because every time they die, that counter just restarts. second, it erases basically all memory from before they died--it resets them to a state before they’d made those memory pathways. then the team often catches up whoever died on what all happened, and they believe it at face value. however, if the whole team dies, they’re basically entirely reset. and thirdly, the system has tweaked them in a very specific way; none of them are very prone to asking questions, and none of them are very prone to going anywhere off-base.

the idea was, there would be a singular repeating opening to every single chapter--or maybe three respawns per chapter or so, depending on length--and every time, one or two words would be tweaked just a little bit in a weird game of telephone. there would be slight deviations in one direction or another, elaborating in different ways, with two constants: seven days after Scout last died he would realize he was in love with Sniper, and that never, ever, ever would they interact or witness a human being besides the ones on the team. this is because scout’s save state is that he’s trapped shortly before he realizes he’s in love, and because the team has no concept of time outside of their base, and unbeknownst to them, the world outside of their little sphere has ended, and they’ve been fighting in the gravel pits for hundreds of years. the announcer is just pre-recorded messages, the other team is also caught in the same system, the bases are entirely self-sufficient, and none of them know that the rest of the world has died.

i realized 1. i could run with this concept literally forever, and this would be like 100k words, and i do not have the time or energy to ever run with it for that long i would Literally Die, 2. i could probably adapt the concept in some ways to be applicable to original work that i could then potentially make money off of because i do think the idea’s pretty good, and then eventually 3. Oh Wait I Sort Of Wrote This Already, I Did A Whole Play On Time Travel, Like A Groundhog Day Thing, I Can’t Do This Again I’ll Die

but since i’m almost positive i’ll never finish it, here’s the work i already have featuring the editing notes as well. the working title was “Loops!AU”. literally absolutely feel free to run with this idea

1. His name is Mickey Lawrence Mundy, and he’s thirty-one years old, and he’s been a smoker for fifteen of those years. He’s tall by American standards and short by Australian, and his parents hate his chosen career path and fashion choices, and his favorite holiday is Halloween because it’s in the fall, his favorite season.

Not a single one of those details would ever be important, out here in the desert far from everywhere, fighting and killing.

The missions start and stop abruptly with little warning, sometimes heralded by the sound of a little motorcycle carrying a girl who’s worth a hundred times her weight in danger, but generally not. He always goes with, even when he’s not so terribly needed, because he’s told to and he gets paid if he does. He hasn’t checked his back account balance in almost two years. He knows it’s probably giving some poor Swiss intern a stress ulcer just looking at it. Rarely does something memorable happen, at most one of his teammates getting taken out and needing to be retrieved, but usually not much of anything at all. They’re important though, apparently. That’s how he’s getting so much money.

His teammates are as remarkable as they are unremarkable—so oddly human despite being absolute freakshows, much like himself. He’d argue with the Spy, avoid the Medic, try and keep the Pyro in his line of sight, and tended to get pestered by the Scout since he was the only person who wouldn’t actively chase him off.

But that last one has been acting strange lately. It’s been a few days since the last mission, which generally makes him pretty antsy, but this is a different sort. He’s been staring at Sniper a lot, eyes sharp from underneath the shade of the brim of his hat, like a wild cat hiding in the brush.

Dangerous, is the word he’s looking for.

2. His name is Mickey "Mick” Mundy, and he’s thirty-one years old, and he’s been bitten by more exotic animals than most people have even seen with the scars to prove it. He’s tall by American standards and short by Australian, and his parents don’t pick up the phone for him anymore for some reason, and his favorite season is the fall because it’s got his favorite holiday stuck smack dab in the middle.

Not a single one of those details would ever be important, out here in the desert far from everywhere, fighting and killing.

The missions start and stop abruptly with little warning, sometimes heralded by the sound of a little motorcycle carrying a girl who’s worth a hundred times her weight in danger, but generally not. He always goes with, even when he’s not so terribly needed, because he’s told to and he gets paid if he does. He hasn’t checked his back account balance in quite some time. He knows it’s probably giving some poor Swiss intern a stress ulcer just looking at it. Rarely does something memorable happen, at most one of his teammates getting taken out and needing to be retrieved from Respawn, but usually not much of anything at all. The missions are important though, apparently. That’s how he’s getting so much money.

His teammates are as remarkable as they are unremarkable—so oddly human despite being absolute freakshows, much like himself. He’d argue with the Spy, avoid the Medic, try and keep the Pyro in his line of sight, and tended to get pestered by the Scout since he was the only person who wouldn’t actively chase him off.

But that last one has been acting strange lately. It’s been a few days since the last mission, which generally makes him pretty antsy, but this is a different sort. He’s been staring at Sniper a lot, eyes sharp from underneath the shade of the brim of his hat, like someone who knows exactly who he is and exactly what he’s been hired to do and is just making sure he only takes out the intended targets, or else.

Dangerous, is the word he’s looking for.

[[every time Sniper dies and gets reset, change tiny little details about the paragraph above, like a game of telephone, deleting more and more information along the way. have sniper remember details about scout that he shouldn’t know, or circumvent earlier problems without thinking about it—ex. scout has an allergic reaction to something sniper cooks and later sniper cooks a different meal even though previous conversation is borderline identical. have one or two times where scout and sniper get in an argument because one of them died but the other didnt and they don’t remember each other correctly]]

[[final chapter scene, scout shows up frazzled, some conversation, deviating an awful lot from previous scripts]]

“Remember Woodstock?” Scout asked, tilting his head. “Remember when that was a thing that happened, and it was a big fuckin’ deal, all sorts of magazines talkin’ about it, it was on TV and everything?”

“Yeah,” Sniper agreed, nodding.

“But do you remember what year that was?”

“Well,” Sniper said, “I,” Sniper said, “I, well, obviously it was fairly recent.”

“Uh-huh,” Scout said, and it wasn’t encouraging.

“Had to be, what, three or four years ago?”

“Weird, because, uh, because the Doc—I asked him about it, right?—he said it had to have been a few months ago. And Spy said it had to have been almost a decade ago. And Mumbles didn’t know what I was talkin’ about.”

There was silence for a few long seconds.

“Because—because the thing is—“ Scout scrubbed at his hair underneath his hat. “—I, I had that written down. I wrote that down, I, I scratched it a good quarter-inch into solid wood planks. Y’know those planks, on the underside of a bedframe? Right where a mattress goes? I uh, I was cleaning under my bed for once, and I’d apparently scratched it under there. Just—just four words. ‘Ask Spy About Woodstock’. That’s it. And—and he started talkin’ about it like it had to have happened, like, before I would’ve even known what that was, when I was a kid or somethin’. And I’m just wondering—I—“ Scout was finally starting to really stumble, and his gaze kept drifting, snapping back, disorientation settling into the furrow between his eyebrows like rain on cracked desert earth. “I’m just wondering how the hell I don’t remember doin’ that.”

He swallowed hard, and it took several seconds to sink in, the weight of his words. “You…” Sniper started to say, and couldn’t find the last part of the thought.

“Me?” Scout prompted, almost desperately, and how long had Sniper been standing there, jaw gaping?

“Snipes?” Scout prompted from through what sounded like a glass of water, snapping his fingers in front of Sniper’s nose a few times, jolting him back to—

“Snipes!” Scout said far too loudly, and Sniper flinched, and resurfaced with a thought.

“Why,” Sniper asked, “did you write it down somewhere so hidden? Who were you worried would find it before you?”

“And did I write it down somewhere else, and it *did* get found, and that’s why it’s so hard to think about?” Scout finished.

Silence for a few seconds.

“Did… you write anything else?” Sniper asked, voice thin.

“That’s the thing,” Scout said, voice thin from a slightly different direction. “Because, see, I did write somethin’ else, but I didn’t need to find that writing to have known somethin’ was up. Because—“

There was silence for a few seconds, a few more.

“Do I… know you from somewhere?” Scout asked.

He wasn’t even looking at Sniper, but his eyes were a shade of—

“Because it feels like just… the way you talk, the, the way *we* talk—“

It was dimly lit in the camper, but his hair shone in the light of the sunrise—the sunset—the—bonfire—sunset?—sun—rise?

“It just feels… familiar.”

He was soft—he was tense—he was soft—had he ever even touched Scout before?—he looked tense—he looked soft.

“It feels like I’ve met you somewhere before.”

He looked tense.

“Is it you?”

“What?” Sniper asked.

“It’s you, isn’t it?” His voice trembled. “It’s all your fault. You’re the one doing this. Why—why the hell else would I have scratched in your name?”

“What?” Sniper asked.

“But—but it can’t be you,” Scout started, talking himself back again. “It can’t be you because it’s—it’s not just ‘Sniper’ scratched down there. When did you tell me? Why did you tell me? Why’d I hide it?”

“What?” Sniper asked.

Scout looked at him, gaze hard enough, fragile enough, glass, sheets of ice, that he fought to find more words.

“What are you talking about? Is it… what did you find?”

Scout looked at him, gaze soft enough, firm enough, decades-old-mattress, rotting springs, that he didn’t dare say anything else.

“I’m gonna ask you a few questions here,” Scout said, voice wobbly.

Sniper nodded.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Sniper thought. “I ate a sandwich at the base before I walked over here,” he supplied.

“Before that.”

“Took a shower and all that, fresh off Respawn.”

“Before that.”

“Well, woke up in the Respawn room.”

“Before that.”

“Well, I… I died,” Sniper shrugged.

“How’d you die?”

Sniper was

Sniper

Sniper was

“How’d you die?” Scout asked again, almost exactly the same way.

“Well, I…” Sniper started to say. “…I don’t remember. Probably shot in the head. That happens a lot, I get shot in the head.”

“Let me ask another question,” Scout said. “I come bug you a lot, don’t I?”

“Yeah,” Sniper agreed.

“When’s the longest time I’ve hung out over here?”

“Well, that had to have been…” Sniper started to say. “Well, obviously it’s the time when we…” Sniper started to say.

“When we…?” Scout prompted.

“I…” Sniper said.

“I’ll ask something else,” Scout said, paced one way, then changed his mind and stepped back again. “We get sent to the other bases sometimes. Remember that?”

“Right. Right!” Sniper said, clinging to the scrap of clarity. “We go to a different base every few months until it gets destroyed.”

“And those places have names,” Scout supplied.

“Yes!”

“What were some of them?”

Sniper looked at him. “Well, there was… and… there was a cold one, with… or a…”

Scout looked at him.

“There—with the, with the buildings, and the…”

Scout looked at him.

Sniper looked around his immediate surroundings for clues. He spotted a picture tacked to his wall, blurry and faded and indistinct and damaged, and took a breath, and words wouldn’t come out of his mouth.

“You call your family often?” Scout supplied.

“I do.”

“When did you last call?”

Sniper’s head felt like the picture tacked to his wall.

“Just one more question.”

Sniper looked up at Scout.

“What’s your name?” Scout asked.

“M-Michael—“

No, that wasn’t right.

“Mitch, Mitchel—Mitch—“

No.

“Rich—?”

No, it was,

“Mike—“

No.

No.

Scout’s face was a one-way mirror. “It’s not any of those,” he said, as if Sniper didn’t know. “It’s somethin’ else.”

He was right.

“Your name’s Mickey,” he said, “Lawrence,” he said, “Mundy,” he said, “and I think we might be some of the only people alive on the planet.”

“And I think,” Scout said, “that we’re stuck here, repeating things over and over.”

“And I think,” Scout said, “that we’ve both been the same age as when we were hired for a long, long time, and we keep getting set back to that age.”

“And I think,” Scout said, “that you stuck me at this age on purpose.”

“Why,” Sniper asked, “would I… what, what’s special about it? Why would I pick this age for you? If I—what makes you think that I’m doing it, and that I would?”

“Because I think that every time I wake up after being shot in the head, a few days later, I realize I’m in love with you.”

“What makes you think that?” Sniper asked next.

“Because I realized it again when I saw your name, and it felt like déjà vu. And I’m lookin’ at your shoulders, and I remember exactly what they feel like when I wrap my arms up around them, and how your stubble feels, and what your laugh feels like when I’ve got a hand against your chest, even though I can’t remember ever having touched you in my goddamn life.”

Silence. Sniper felt his breath catching in his chest.

“That’s not possible,” Sniper said, and felt his mind shifting away into denial. “You’re delusional. I’m—there’s just something wrong with our heads.”

“Of course it’s impossible. *None* of this is possible,” Scout said, voice scorched. “It’s not possible to remember feeling things that I’ve never felt before. Just like it’s not possible to be brought back to life, after being shot in the head.”

-

and that's the end of what i have written for this. so there you go

[meteor752]

So...I just watched The Rise of Skywalker

And it was...a movie

Now, if you don’t want it spoiled, then don’t click keep reading, because I will immediately start after that.

Got it?

Good

Now that that’s out of the way

THERE IS A CANON LESBIAN COUPLE IN STAR WARS AND THEY SHARED A KISS, I AM DEAD

Sorry I just had to get that out of my system

I am not a movie critic, and for the most part I just enjoy a movie unless it bores me. But I have been saying that I will do this review, and I will, so I will just go over important part by important part.

Good?

Good.

The first scene

This is, hands down, my favorite scene in the movie. The way they introduced Palpatine and that we never really see his face in the scene is really menacing, but still oddly hilarious.

I mean, the man is hanging there quoting himself. He later literally said do it!! I’m surprised he didn’t start to tell the story of Darth plagueise the wise.

Plus, the fact that Kylo doesn’t want to join Palpatine and become his apprentice, but just kill him, is really cool to me. It shows a little different side of his character, that he wants to be his own and not just the next Vader.

Also, after Palpatine saying “I created Snoke”, there’s a blink and you’ll miss it moment of a deformed looking Snoke in a cubicle, so that’s that character's backstory. He was a failed clone all along!

Poe, Finn, Chewie & the Spy

The start of this scene is just pure fluff between our dear space husbands and their mom’s, husband's dog.

The revelation of the spy was cool, but I kinda immediately guessed that it would be either Hux or Phasma.

I really liked the chase scene, plus the banter between the characters. Character interaction is a thing I love in franchises, and this movie does a good job with it

Master Leia

I LIVE FOR LEIA TRAINING REY TO BE A JEDI

The Rey training scene though was...unnecessary, dunno why it was there.

Rey’s always been a kinda on-off character for me. I like her when she’s loose and chill instead of a “badass”. In this movie...I mean she has her moments, but for the most part I didn’t want her there

C-3PO, R2-D2 & BB-8

The fact that BB-9e wasn’t in this movie is a crime

I like Threepio, like most other fans, but he’s just like always been...there for me. In this movie though, holy shit did he shine!

To be quite honest, he was probably one of my favorite characters in it, just because he kept that lightheartedness in an otherwise angsty movie, with some occasional fluff.

What I really like about him is that they made this his movie! Artoo and BB-8 were barely in it, and when they were they didn’t do much, so Threepio could really shine! Literally, he’s made of gold. The latest eight movies he’s basically been bullied by every character on screen, no one really seems to like him (Poe did it in this movie, so it’s still a thing) but they gave him a lot of screentime and I like that!

I don’t like BB-8. He’s mostly there to sell toys, and I get that that’s what Star Wars is all about these days, but don’t make it obvious!! Cough, cough PORG!!!!

Artoo was underused as kriff in this movie. He did basically nothing, despite being one of the franchises most popular characters. My favorite moment in the movie however is when Wiped Threepio And Artoo reunite, and he actually sound HURT when Threepio doesn’t recognize him!! He calls him his best friend okay!?!?

Lando

!!!!

His introduction was so fricking cute! Chewie just went to hug him instantly, because that poor fluffy boy has lost enough!!

Threepio going to explain who he is, and Rey just going “We know who he is!” Is so heartwarming, like he’s a war hero! People idolize him that’s so cute!!!

Knights of Ren

Will get more into them in another section, but look really cool but really underused

Stormpilot, Jedipilot, Stormjedi & Stormjedipilot

Let’s get this over with

All three of the first ships are evident in this movie.

Rey and Poe arguing about BB-8 and The Falcon at the start of the movie...is basically all we get for Jedipilot but what’d you expect?

Poe making Finn general, their banter throughout the movie, the little very unnecessary fight they had, the reunion at the end of the movie-

THIS

Rey: So what were you going to tell me?

Finn: We’ll take it later

Poe: What, you mean when Poe’s not here?

YOU JEALOUS BRO???

Finn wanting to tell Rey something was most likely confessing some feeling for her, but then they survived and yeah, and it was fucking dropped?! Did JJ just forget about that???

Plus, I’ve never noticed this before, but Finn yells Rey’s name a lot.

The reunion hug between the three of them at the end of the movie is what kinda made me like Stormjedipilot. Poe and Rey holding their hands over Finn’s back while he buries his head into their shoulders, like yeah I like that.

Chewie’s “death”

I, to be honest, kinda wanted Chewbacca to die a little here. It would have made Kylo’s turn so much more compelling.

So it is my personal headcanon that Kylo did not know that Chewie wasn’t on that ship, and for a few minutes he actually thought that he, Uncle Chewie, had died. Because I couldn’t be the only one who saw a bit of pain on his face.

Kijimi

I first did not like Zorii, mostly because I thought she and Poe would have had a “relationship”.

Though, when Rey held a lightsaber against her throat, and she just impressively said “Not that it matters, but I like you.”

Gal, you GAAAAY

And also that twice, twice, Poe asks if they should kiss and she dismisses both tries, that I like. Good job movie, god job.

During the raid, you can hear female Stormtroopers, and I think that’s really cool. We’re in movie nine and first now does there exist female Stormtroopers that isn’t Phasma!!

Threepio’s wipe is sad and I liked it, but I feel that they made it a little too sad, considering it was afterwards mostly played as a joke and then they gave him his memories back

Hux the spy

Again, Chewie should have remained dead, but whatever.

I have no problem with Hux as the spy, I was just sitting in the theater mumbling ‘Fulcrum’ while my brother was looking at me weirdly, but what I don’t like is what they did with it.

For Hux just to be shot by some General we’ve never met before is just the equivalent of a letdown, especially since so many people like his characters. Including me, he’s one of the best parts of the Sequels!!

Rey Palpatine

Just so everyone knows, I saw this coming. I mean sure, I still liked the Qui’ra theory more, but when Palps started talking about how he knew who the girl was, then I was just like okay she’s a Palpatine.

What I don’t like is how they don’t talk at all of how this came to be. Like, I don’t even know which one of Rey’s parents who’s Palps child. Who the hell did he fuck?!?!

So yeah, whatever twist, bad execution.

Endor’s Stormtroopers

THIS SCENE IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHY I DON’T LIKE REY

They often do this in movies. Heroes have to do something, they can’t do anything at that moment so they have to wait, main Hero does it anyways.

IT’S ANNOYING AS HELL

Finn and the Ex Stormtrooper I can't remember the name of’s bonding moment was cute, but I just kept thinking to myself “Are they siblings? Because it wouldn’t be the first time this has happened,”

Finn getting mad at Poe is weird as shit and I don’t like it.

Dark Rey vs Rey

Huge letdown didn’t like it next

Rey vs Kylo, final battle

It was...fine, I guess. I like that Rey fucking stabbed him, that was cool.

Leia dying to redeem Kylo was dumb! I get that they needed to kill her off in a natural way and not just off-screen but come on!

Plus, if you would ask me, Kylo didn’t need a redemption arc. I think he should have died. As a bad guy.

Han Solo And Lightsaber Toss

Han Solo talking to Kylo was cool, though how does it work?? Was it a vision? Luke manipulations the force? Kylo only saw what he wanted to see?

That Kylo just tossed his lightsaber was symbolic and stuff, but a really stupid decision from his part. How are you gonna protect yourself now, huh? THE FORCE?!?!

Rey going into Exile

THIS SCENE WAS FUNNY AS SHIT!!

Just, Rey, thinking that every Jedi goes into exile, when they don’t feel like dealing with it anymore, and she’s fucking right!!! Yoda, Obi-Wan And Luke would be proud!!!!

Luke’s force ghost also has nearly identical hair to Anakin, which is adorable. Dunno how many that noticed that, since the people I’ve talked with about the movie didn’t, but that was literally all I could think about.

Knight Leia

When Rey picked up her lightsaber, my brother beside me was like “That’s Luke’s green one!” And I got mad because that’s not his lightsaber design at all. Know your facts bro!

That Leia was a Jedi is understandable, I mean was Luke not going to train her? But I’ve always seen her that she could use the force, but didn’t use a lightsaber because she’s badass.

I kinda also wanted her blade to be purple? I think it would have fit her much better, as she is probably the most balanced Jedi we’ve had for a while and she’s got a lot of anger that little Skywalker, but blue works fine I guess. Better than green.

Star Wars Endgame

I liked this scene, it was cool, Artoo got something to do, and Finn and Rose riding those horse thingies is an inside joke between those two at this point, convince me otherwise.

Lando And Chewie arriving though, and the First Order stating that they are “just people”, was really beautiful. Cool scene all and all.

Rey and Palpatine

Palps is still quoting himself! He fucking said “Do It” JJ knows what’s up!!

One thing that I’ve been trying to figure out since I saw the movie was what the hell was Palps’ goal? He said for Rey to strike him down (Said the same to Luke, is he suicidal??) and then he would become? Apart? Of her? What?

I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make any sense.

Kylo vs Knights of Ren

So these are Kylo’s guys, right? His inquisitors, per say.

Except these used to be Jedi, his clanmates, his friends.

So why the kriff did they all turn against him like that?? AND WHY DID HE JUST FIGHT THEM BLINDLY DUDE THESE WERE YOUR FRIENDS!!

If I could have changed anything in this movie that has nothing to do with ships, then it would be that at least ONE of the knights would have supported Kylo and not just blindly turned against him.

Though I must say, Rey giving Kylo Luke’s lightsaber through their bond, was pretty badass.

Palpatine steals Kylo and Rey’s bond

The. Fuck.

WHAT KIND OF FORCE POWER IS THAT?!?!

IF YOU CAN JUST STEAL A JEDI’S FORCE BOND, WHY DIDN’T YOU DO THAT WITH ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN PALPS?!?!? HUH?!?!?!

But for real, stupid decision, could have gone without it.

Jedi Rey vs Sith Palps

It was cool, a cool moment, I sat excitedly and whispered to my brother all the voices I recognized, I think Ahsoka could be heard??

...

I looked it up and yeah her voice is there, which means that she’s dead R.I.P Snips.

One of the better scenes of the movie, though I think it’s cheating because of nostalgia and love for these characters.

(I LOOKED UP WHICH THE VOICES WERE, AND WE’VE GOT FRICKING AAYLA SECURA, LUMINARA UNDULI, ADI GALLIA AND KANAN JARRUS!!!)

Reylo

*Sigh*

Ya know, I really hoped this wouldn’t happen. I almost wanted to skip this, and really make all the Reylo fans mad.

But I have to talk about this.

This kiss, should not have happened.

Now if you are a Reylo shipper, that’s good for you, I ship way stranger things than that, but to actually make it canon?!?!

Kylo having a crush or something for Rey? Sure, I can understand that’s he’s pretty much obsessed at this point. But for Rey, badass Rey who is pretty lesbian, to have feelings for Kylo? THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP PEOPLE!!

And that they made a toxic relationship canon, but not a gay one, really says something about Star Wars doesn’t it.

Death of Kylo

I laughed out loud during this scene. Not joking, people around me were annoyed. And that his clothes didn’t disappear? Is Kylo a naked force ghost? Did he do that for Rey?

Wait

Don’t answer.

Happy Rebels

The Lesbian couple that kissed was obviously queerbaiting, and you should never praise that, but that is probably all we will get Gays, so let’s just take it and cry on the inside.

Is that Stormtrooper gal Lando’s daughter? Because my brother whispered that to me, and I got those vibes too. Or is she way older than what she looks like and we were supposed to see her as a love interest?

The hug was cute.

Rey Skywalker

I will never accept this as canon ever.

To see the moisture farm again was nice, I liked that.

And for Rey to finally have her own lightsaber, and a yellow one too (I read a fanfic where she had a yellow one, was that like pre-seen??).

But the Skywalker thing...eh.

I would have found it cute if she’d said Rey Palpatine, as if she’d embraced her origin and decided that the name Palpatine isn’t just to be afflicted with the emperor, but also with her, the last Jedi.

Also, did she go into exile? Because damn, those Jedi do that a lot!

All in all, I liked this movie! I wasn’t bored a single bit while watching it, as there was always something going on, and I like when that happens. I don’t think that had happened since Empire with a Star Wars movie.

It isn’t in my top three, but it’s up there, and better than The Last Jedi.

Though I must say, they did take some things from Return of the Jedi and put it in this movie, specifically the ending.

Though I must say, and don’t hate me for this, it was better than Return of the Jedi okay bye

[treatian]

The Chronicles of the Dark One:  The Dark Curse

Chapter 25:  The Golden Deal

The prisoners of the Minotaur were always kept in the very building the maze was. It made things easier if they could simply let them out of their cell and then lead them down the hall to the entrance and lock them in. Though they only ever sent seven virgins in during the week, they always took ten simply because the conditions in the cell were so dismal there were always a few who didn't make it. The cells were cold and made out of stone. They contained no fireplace, no bed, no hay…it was simply a small square room where one had no choice but to find the least cold bit of earth and lay down there to sleep. The cell door was heavy, with only a small door on the bottom that unlatched from the outside, allowing the guards to shove a bit of bread and cheese inside every morning.

The prisoners were kept in the dark, both literally and figuratively. Once caught they remained in their cages with no indication until the night before as to whether or not they would be going into the maze. Even then, the only word they received on the matter was an extra portion of food shoved into their cell the night before with the words "last meal" shouted at them. It was cruel, but the King was a smart man who used cruelty as a veiled attempt to ferret out those who were "worthy" according to him. "You wouldn't want the Kingdom run by someone who couldn't handle a little suffering" was often his response to his critics, and somehow, for those families who had not lost children to his fun and games, the logic made sense.

He'd found out only an hour before going to retrieve Cora that Mary had been chosen as the next day's victim. He'd been doing his due diligence, but with Cora he found he couldn't be two places at once and there was a certain family of shapeshifters here who would have starved long ago if not for the breadcrumbs they ate off the streets. For a little golden thread, they were all too happy to keep watch on the prison for him, and the guards and King thought nothing of an extra bird in the room when discussing the week ahead.

"The girl, Mary…you won't hurt her, will you?"

"What do my plans for her matter to you?" he'd inquired.

"Nothing," he laughed away. "It's only…she's sweet."

The look in his eyes had not been part of his original plan, but love did tend to make men stupid. And he wouldn't turn down the extra help if he could get it, especially if it came free.

"Tell you what…tomorrow, before she's taken to the maze of the Minotaur, like all the others she'll be searched for any weapons she may have on her."

"Right, the King expects the beast to be destroyed through strength alone…it's what he claims makes a King strong, and it's bollocks to expect it from a girl like that."

"Exactly!" he'd giggled before pulling a small, lightweight knife barely the size of his thumb from his cloak. "But with this…the beast will fall."

He reached out and took it in his palm. "What? Something so small?"

"Well it's not the size that will get you…it's the poison inside the blade," he whispered behind his hand, despite knowing no one else had been in the woods to hear them. "That poison is made to destroy the witch's magic rapidly. Dear sweet Mary only needs to get one good cut in on the monster and all this, everything you see will someday be hers. Play your cards right, and it might just be yours too."

He'd laughed at the expression of shock on the poor lad's face. His secret had been discovered, and he was actually surprised by that! But how could he not know. These boys, hopelessly and romantically in love with "sweet girls", they all had the same look on their faces and the same tone in their voices when they spoke of them. It betrayed each of them in an instant.

"This little blade is essential to Dear Mary's freedom, and it just so happens that it's small enough for a dove to carry in his leg as he flies into that maze to lay it just at the door for the guards to overlook and our Sweet Champion to discover. I'll even do you one better, tonight, after she's gotten her last meal, I'll creep into the place and tell her you've left it for her. This time tomorrow, she'll be alive, and the kindness that pumps through her body will desire nothing more than to find you so that she can thank you."

Once more he looked down at the tiny dagger in his hand, he traced his fingers over the metal, and the pressure made it catch the sun and flash in front of them like a wink.

"What would you want in return?"

"Oh…" he'd scoffed, waving his hand away as though it was nothing when he was about to demand the highest price of all. Truth was he'd gotten used to having a lacky to do a bit of spying for him. He was confident there were many uses for a man, or a family with those talents. "Nothing but the loyalty of your family. If I should ever need a favor or a bit of muscle or…a carrier pigeon…just a little help of my own."

At that very moment a horn had sounded from within the walls of the city, from the castle where the labyrinth was buried. It was a sound he was only just getting used to, but one that his new friend knew well throughout his life. A tribute had just fallen. And he couldn't have timed it better if he'd tried. The boy had excepted the deal, he'd gone to fetch Cora, and now he and Cora stood in a small cold and dark cell, and he was ready to put his plans in place.

"Knock, knock!" he proclaimed loudly. "Room service!"

There was a shriek and then a gasp and the sound of rustling. His sensitive eyes could pick up the small girl who had been bundled in the corner, desperately reaching for her flint so that she might light the lantern they were all "gifted" with. Only enough oil for a few hours. That light was precious, he was almost honored she'd lit it in front of the pair of them. When she finally got it lit he watched as Cora shielded her eyes from the sudden brightness, but he simply looked straight ahead, using his magic to adjust his eyes so that he didn't come across as too human.

The poor child was shaking. Every inch of her visible skin was black and brown with dirt and mud, there were dark circles under her eyes. Her clothes were wet and tattered, and her hair was oily and disgusting. The room smelled like shit and piss, and he was certain it wasn't from the remains of her food which sat almost untouched at the little slot by the door. He didn't want to know what the girl had been laying in.

"Wh-wh-who are you?!" she demanded. "How did you get in here?! What are you doing here?!"

"Me?" he questions, touching his chest. "Well, I've come to bring you help! Salvation! You've quite the admirer outside of these walls."

"What?" she asked with confusion, her eyes suddenly falling on Cora who stood a fair distance away with her nose wrinkled. "Who is she?"

"She is of no consequence! I, on the other hand, happen to know exactly what you need to escape your fate tomorrow."

There was an instant shine to the girl's eyes as she lowered her lamp and took a step away. She was crying, and if the stains on her cheeks were any indication, she'd been crying long before he appeared.

"Don't you know…haven't you heard? My fate isn't something that can be escaped. No one survives this! No one ever has, no one ever will! This time tomorrow…I'll be dead!" she cried out before falling against the back wall and sinking down into it. The fleece was around her shoulders, just as dirty and smelly as she was. It appeared he'd arrived just in time.

"Ah…you see, that is where you would be mistaken," he urged breathlessly. She didn't need a clown or a magician or a deal maker. The girl needed a friend, something to give her hope. He could play that role.

"What?" she asked quietly, wiping her nose with her finger.

"Right now, as we speak there is a man, quite fond of you, who is placing at the entrance to your maze a small blade," he used a bit of magic to summon up an image of the dagger he'd crafted so that she could see it. After all, he couldn't have her accidentally picking up the wrong shiny object. These peasants were desperate, but desperation didn't circumvent stupid. She'd need all the help she could get tomorrow.

"Why…why would he do that?"

"Well, haven't I already explained that?" he asked. "He's fond of you. It would break his heart to see you never come out of that maze."

She sniffled, and the corner of her mouth raised ever so slightly. "It would?"

"It would…but!" he shouted before she could lose focus. "Killing the beast is only half the battle. The dagger will work, indeed all it will take is a single small scratch, and the creature will die in seconds. But the King's challenge isn't just to kill the beast; it's to find your way out of the maze again."

She didn't cast her eyes down at the pronouncement of the challenge, not the way she had earlier. Suddenly, in her eyes, there was a strength that he had yet to see from her. She had hope again. She just had to use it.

"You…you can help me with that. You can help me out of the maze?"

"Indeed I can…behold!" he held his hand out into the light and called from his tower a large spool of golden thread that appeared there before her. She let out a little gasp as she looked down at it.

"Thread?"

"Golden thread," he corrected. "It winks with even the smallest bit of light!" To demonstrate, he unspooled just a bit of it and moved it about in the lamplight. She took a deep breath and smiled at it with wonder. "Once they've locked you in and you've located the dagger by the door, tie this string to the door and let it out behind you as you move about. Once you've killed the monster, follow it back out to freedom."

She'd been smiling, but as she reached out to touch it, her smile fell unexpectedly. "But…they search me before I go into the maze! Would it not be simpler for you to just take me with you now? You got in, that must mean you can get me out with you!"

From behind him, he heard a snort, and when he looked back at Cora, he saw her smirking. "Smart girl," she muttered.

"Ignorant girl!" he corrected through gritted teeth as anger suddenly rose in him. He should have told her not to say anything. If her comment jeopardized this…

"You don't want me to take you with me."

"Why not?"

"Because what this spool offers is not only freedom but riches!" he proclaimed. "With this thread, you will survive. You will find your way out of the maze, the King will adopt you, and in only a few year's time when he dies, your family will never live in poverty again. You will be Queen. Come with me, and you may save yourself. Take this thread, and you save not only yourself, but your family, and all the little children who will never have to suffer this same fate you have for the last few days."

Her eyes dilated. Perhaps Cora's comment hadn't been so destructive after all. Deal-making was a lot like fishing. Sometimes all it took was the right bait, the right amount of temptation, reel them in…then let them lose before they took it.

"But! If you don't want it and would rather hide away with me while the rest of the Kingdom-"

"No! No, wait!" she cried as he moved away from her. He stopped walking and smiled.

"Yes?" he questioned, turning back.

Mary swallowed, hard, then found her feet and stood up once more. "I'll take it! Give it to me!"

But the second she reached out to snatch it from him he pulled it away. "Well, it's not that easy, dearie!" he cried out, shaking his head. "It never is! You can't get something for nothing you know! This thread is magic, and all magic comes with a price!"

Her eyes widened in fear. "But…you already said it! I'm a pauper, I sit in this cell with nothing! My family owns nothing of value! What could I possibly give you?"

He clucked his tongue against his teeth and shook his head in remorse. "'Tis a great inquiry, but…I'll tell you what," he muttered brightening. "I'll make you a deal. I'll give you this thread for…that shawl around your shoulders."

"This old thing?" she questioned, grabbing at it. "It's nothing…just an old stained fleece my father once owned."

"Well, if it's nothing, it sounds as though it is a deal in your favor!"

Poor girl thought it was only stained. She had no idea what it was worth or what it really was. She should have been jumping at this opportunity by now, sentimental or not, why wasn't she? Why was she holding it closer around her shoulders now as she looked around the room as if searching for some kind of other offering? None of it made sense! This was far more than enough to overcome the sentimentality it had on her heart!

"You brut!" Cora suddenly called out, moving around him and toward Mary. "This poor girl! Can't you see she's half-frozen already?!"

This was a mistake. He'd thought bringing Cora would be a nice surprise and she'd understand that she was there simply to watch, this was twice she'd spoken out, and it was the first time he could ever remember getting so angry at her he was tempted to use magic to take her voice or send her elsewhere. What was she doing? Trying to ruin this deal? And since when had she grown a heart for poor innocent girls? She hadn't had sympathy for herself when she was one of them.

"Better frozen than dead!" he pointed out. "She has nothing else; I'm merely trying to help the 'poor girl'!"

Cora stared at him, her eyes silently communicating something that he couldn't translate through his anger. What was she trying to do?

"Well yes, but…" suddenly she turned her back on him and faced Mary. "Listen…give him that fleece, your debt will be paid, you'll owe him nothing and have your life, and…once the deal is made, I'll give you this cloak about my shoulders here. Go ahead, feel it! You'll agree it should be plenty to keep you warm for tonight."

Cora was…a genius! For as soon as she offered, Mary reached out to rub her hand over Cora's covered arm and smiled. The grip her other hand had on the fleece loosened. "You'd do that? For me?"

"Well, I'd be heartless not to," she smiled. "A sweet girl like you…with that golden thread and the dagger your young man is hiding now, a nice cloak for a good night's sleep before tomorrow's challenge…you are going to be the first to survive this. And imagine their wonder when it is a woman and not a man who stands victorious before them tomorrow! You'll be more than saved, you'll be a Queen. And your family…one day they will be royalty with you."

Mary's eyes shone with wonder at the picture that Cora had painted in her mind. A smile stretched over her face as she reached up and pulled the fleece off of her shoulders and handed it to Cora. She was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

"Deal!" Mary proclaimed.

He let out a laugh as he took the fleece from her and reached out to hand her the thread while Cora unclasped her own cloak to-

"Wait!" Mary cried, suddenly pulling her hand back. He would have panicked, but as she looked back and forth between him and Cora, her smile stayed fixed on her face and still bright. "What's his name?" she asked. "The boy who is hiding the dagger for me…who is he? If I live through this…I want to thank him."

He smiled as he stepped forward and took her hand in his own to open it himself. "Theseus," he informed her as he dropped the thread into her palm and Cora came up from behind to lay her own cloak over her shoulders. "His name is Theseus."

[douxreviews]

The 100 - ‘Red Sun Rising’ Review

“Isn’t this your home?”

This was all about fear.

What is everyone afraid of? Are those fears valid? What reactions are these fears going to bring to pass?

On the moon

Poor, poor Emori. I have to start here because it really broke my heart. She still has such deep seeded anxiety about being on the outside and the people that she loves turning against her. I hate that. I’d say I hope Murphy gives her a real big hug when she comes out of it but things aren’t exactly looking great for him.

How nice for Murphy that he got to be the one that was immune or at least not hit the hardest. It just fits that the ultimate survivor would be the one not overtaken by paranoid rage. Too freaking bad he’s been seemingly infected by something, of course he has survived much worse. He was called out last season for liking being the hero and I think he just proved that point again. He went to Bellamy to try and subdue him before his friend was able to hurt anyone. It would have been more self-preservational to hide and wait it out. In the past, I could’ve even seen him standing guard over Emori before putting himself in Bellamy’s path but he did the hard thing for the good of his friends. Even with Clarke, he was able to recognize that she wasn’t a danger to him and he took the time to talk her down and be responsible for her even though he’s still pissed and needed to get back to subduing Bellamy. It’s a little crazy how much his character has grown on me over these past years and more than a little impressive how effortlessly that character growth has been building and how well Richard Harmon has been at playing this incredibly intricate character.

Of course Clarke is only a danger to herself during the eclipse. She truly always comes from a place of protection and with her own guilty conscience and Murphy constantly reminding her the pain that she’s inflicted, it makes sense that to protect her friends, she’d want to take herself out of the mix. To protect them. What was really interesting though was that it was Abby her mind used to try and convince her to take her own life. Is that saying something about what Clarke thinks motherhood is? Or does it speak to her still holding a grudge against her mom as well as herself? Is her subconscious telling us what’s been nagging at me for these two episodes? That we don’t forgive the good doctor yet for her serious lapses in judgement last season.

Bellamy’s rage and paranoia almost made a beeline to Clarke. I’m not surprised. He probably isn’t surprised. She wasn’t surprised. I just hope it was at least therapeutic for him.

All my gold stars go to Echo. She’s the only one that had to face her demons and was able to overcome them long enough to tranq herself. I’m still shocked at how much I’m finding myself liking her. It wasn’t that long ago that she was on the way opposite side of things than team Bellarke. She was smart and levelheaded. I don’t know why I’d expect anything less from a professional spy, but either way I was very impressed.

Then we had Miller scared of his new home turning on him. I think that’s what the fake bugs crawling into him represented. Maybe the way being in the bunker turned out to be a psychological prison and not the safe haven everyone originally fought for? And Jackson was scared of not being able to save his boyfriend. Of not being a good doctor. He does have a lot to live up to following in Abby’s footsteps. Unless I’m interpreting this whole thing all wrong. I still don’t understand the joint hallucination part of it all.

The way the hallucinations manifested themselves in itself was telling about how these characters perceive themselves. Clarke, Echo and Miller turned everything inward because they see their past actions full of guilt. As much as they tell themselves that they didn’t have choices at the time, they still feel the weight of those choices on their backs dragging them down and in some cases dragging other people down with them. But Bellamy and Emori turned their paranoia outward. They are holding grudges against people that they love. They both have long-held and seriously earned trust issues and are always waiting for the next big betrayal; no matter how surrounded by love and family they are, it can be ripped away. It can turn out to be a worthless lie. Your family can shun you, your sister can sacrifice you, your mom can be killed, your friend can abandon you when you need her.

In the sky

First, there was Octavia. She was putting on quite the stoic face but in the end, she was literally asking to be killed. I guess that might also explain that hard exterior in the first place. Either you’re in Wonkru or you’re the enemy of Wonkru, right? She hasn’t stopped picking fights with people since she thawed out. Even calling them cowards for not killing her. It’s nice that we are finally seeing her struggle with the facts of what she did in the bunker. Everything she did was in the name of survival. Clarke and Bellamy have similarly outlandish skeletons in their closets made in the same name, but regret should be a part of the journey too. It’s human to be able to look back and see the mistakes you made but she isn’t really capable. Probably because she was never taught to take responsibility for herself or her actions. She was only ever taught to react and respond to the way other people see her. She was an illegal stow-away since birth as ‘the girl in the floor.’ Then she was Bellamy Blake’s sister when she got to the ground. Then she tried to escape that life altogether and join the grounders only to become ‘sky girl.’ She never even wanted to be the leader in the bunker but Indra twisted her arm and then Abby manipulated her into becoming ‘Bloodreina.’ She clearly isn’t innocent here but I’d like to see her deal with the fears and become a whole person once and for all. Tricking everyone around her into kicking her ass instead of looking for the ship's onboard therapist is the easy way out.

Then so much of Abby’s fear is tied up in Octavia’s every move. She is rightfully scared of how people will react if they find out that it was her the pressured Octavia into enforcing the mandatory cannibalism rule. It’s probably much easier for her to pretend not to remember what she did when everyone’s anger is focused mostly on Bloodreina. Which made it all the more poignant when she stepped in to stop that Wonkru member from taking Octavia’s life. Bloodreina’s death would mean the end of the possibility that her little secret would get out. That’s a far cry from the junkie that tortured Raven, but she still has a ways to go to be the respected doctor we met her as.

Which brings me to Raven. Oh Raven. I’m starting to worry that she is on the Jasper/Monty/Harper train. It feels odd to lump them altogether given that they handled their depression at the loss of faith in humanity in such vastly different ways, but they all went on a spiral that they couldn’t come back from and that is not the future I want for my girl Raven. Okay? Waking Diyoza was the absolute best bet for taking back the bridge and freeing her friends, giving them back the upper hand. But what was the cost? Their ship was invaded and she was technically working in defense of herself and the others, but if they weren’t in real danger, does that matter? Three people still lost their lives and there is no telling what kind of consequences remain to be seen from these actions. And for a character suffering under questions of morality and right-and-wrong and being a good person, these are the questions that will keep her up at night.

Strong episode. 3 out of 4 terrifying children’s books

Bits and pieces

Sanctum is the Latin root of sanctuary.

I liked Josephine and the flashback. It did a good job of priming us for what was about to happen without having it overexplained.

Last week Bellamy said that they wouldn’t shoot first. Then Diyoza shot three people that hadn’t hurt anyone up to that point.

Bellamy kept everyone’s keys. And Clarke kept his. Talk about symbolism for where everyone’s heads are at.

Clarke’s hallucination included a mention of her dad being floated. Talk about a callback.

I have to give it to Diyoza. She really doesn’t suck at negotiation and strategy.

The hijackers noted Octavia has red blood. They were also fairly adamant that something particular be done with the bodies. We have to wait to find out what exactly. Ugh. I can’t take another human experiment or cannibalism plot. I CAN NOT.

Where were those children hiding? Why have restraints in the building if there is a good hideout somewhere?

Are those kids products of the embryos that horny scientist guy was talking about in the flashback?

Will Clarke and Octavia introduce themselves to the Sanctum folks as the Commander of Death and Blood Queen?

Remember back in season one when The 100 ate the nuts that made them all act like they were at a rave? This reminded me of that. Times 5.

Clarke: “What the hell do you want from me, Murphy? I'm sorry, okay? For all of it. I never meant for you to get hurt, but no matter what I do, someone always does. Is that what you want to hear? That I'm the bad guy? Fine, I'll be the bad guy. When I'm in charge people die, isn't that what you said?”

Raven: “You can't leverage dead people.” Diyoza: “You can, if they don't know they're dead.”

Octavia: "If not for you, I would have delivered us safely to that valley. Our sins would have been washed away. McCreary and Diyoza would have surrendered to me. Everything I did would have made sense. Now nothing does."

Laure Mack

[starlight-parkers]

Being a Wayne and Dating Peter Paker Would Include:

*gif belongs to spiderling-parker*

Author’s Notes(s): hey cuties! Someone requested this a while ago and I completely forgot that it was in my drafts. Just a side note requests are closed! See my latest post for more info xx

Summary: You just so happen to be dating Peter Parker, but what happens when your freakily overprotective brother’s find out?

Warning(s): swearing and fluff

Being a Wayne and Dating Peter Parker would include:

so like

we all know that the Wayne’s have been through some tough shit

So y’all are really closely knit

That being said, you have four really overprotective brothers who would do anything to stop you from dating.

PsSh

That never stopped you honey ️

So let’s say, you’ve been dating Peter for around a year.

He’s never been to your house or even met your family bc you know™️ he wouldn’t last a second around your brothers

“(Y/N)? Why haven’t I met your family? Don’t you think it’s kinda weird?”

“Peter honey, if you value your life, you won’t ask questions.”

One day his curiosity gets the best of him and he ends up at your address.

Big mistake™️

Curiosity killed the cat bro

Unfortunately for him, you’re not the one who opens the door.

So smol bby boy peter’s quaking in his boots when short stack Damian appears at the door with a scowl on his face.

“Who the fuck are you?”

*in the distance* “Damian don’t fucking swear”

“JASON GOD DAMMIT, DAMI WHOS AT THE DOOR??”

So then Jason, Dick and Dami are all at the door and poor bby Peter kinda stutters out a response.

“Uh hi, I’m peter. (Y/N)’s boyfriend”

LOLOL

Before anyone knew what was happening Damian’s launching himself at Peter who kinda does his spidey thing and backflips into a tree or some shit

And Jay + Dick who are holding Dami back are kinda like wtf

They accidentally let go of their younger brother who’s basically barking up a tree at your almost sobbing boyfriend

And Tim kinda just walks up to the front door with a coffee in hand

Takes one look at the situation

Sips his coffee

And goes back inside bc a bitch ain’t involved

So that’s how Peter met your family.

Dick Grayson:

the nice brother™️

would probably try to suppress his other protective brother mode

would lowkey be the biggest shipper ever

When dick meets peter it’s probably like:

       - “oh (Y/N) he’s so cute!!”

       - “LoOK at hIM heS adorABle”

Peter doesn’t know whether he should be scared or he should be relieved

Dick totally supervises your dates

Or tries to

He’ll probably be sitting at the back of the cafe you’re in and Peter points him out like

“Uh... M-mr Grayson we can see you”

*face palm*

Probably holds hands with you both after that.

Finds you and peter’s relationship very cute

Sometimes you wonder if he’s the one dating Peter

They’re always on ‘friend dates’

Probably been on more dates with Peter than you have

“Dick buddy, I’m gonna need my boyfriend back”

“You can’t separate us sis, this is true love”

Jason Todd:

the cool brother™️

probably gives the “if you hurt her, I’ll find you talk”

He’ll like, take Peter to his weapons room or something and be like “see this baby here, she’s my favourite. First time I shot right through some guy’s skull”

And you’re just there with rolling eyes like “oh my god Jason”

And poor Peter would be so shook™️

But you’d be all cute holding hands and brushing your fingers over his knuckles to calm him

Jay would gag

You’d get to a particular weapon and Petey would point to it “Natasha has that”

“Natasha as in, the, blackwidow?”

And Peter would look at you with a confused gaze and you’d shrug as he nodded to Jason

Jason would scream™️

Blackwidow fanboy at your service fam

He’d go on regular trips to see the  avengers  with Peter just to meet Natasha

Would probably cry

He’s really chill after that tbh

Would probably regularly take you and Peter for ice cream

Does not enjoy watching you guys suck face

Pretends to throw up most of the time

“If you guys kiss in front of me one more time I’ll probably die for the second time”

Tim Drake:

The fanboy brother™️

I feel like Tim probably knew you were dating someone he just didn’t know that it was the sPidErMaN

Probably did a whole background check on Peter before he even got to the front door.

He’d be the only brother who’s actually nervous to meet your boyfriend

So before pete even opens his mouth, Tim’s just spewing information about him like

“Peter Benjamin Parker. Age 16”

“Born July 1st, favourite colour blue and -“

“Tim... Tim you’re scaring him”

“Right sorry”

You’d leave for like a brief second to grab a drink and when you come back they’re both nerding out over tech

It’s actually adorable seeing both of your boys getting excited over Peter’s webshooters and stuff

You totally don’t take pictures

On the nights you’d have dates Peter would show up like two hours early just to sit with Tim and talk about Wayne and Tony’s tech

Call it a gossip circle if you will

“Oh hi Petey! I wasn’t expecting you for a little while-“

“Yeah, I’m here to see Tim?”

-_-

Like Jay, I don’t think he’d appreciate you guys’ PDA

he’d probably be fine with it after a few shots of espresso

Damian Wayne:

The intimidating brother™️

First of all, let’s get this straight.

He won’t admit it, but Dami adores you. He loves you more than anything.

As his older sister, you’ve always been there to protect him. You made him feel at home.

So in his mind, Damian basically lives to protect you. He views you as the only pure thing in this world and would do anything to preserve that.

You’ve had your heart broken before and Dami hated to see you go through such a heartbreak

So forgive him for being a little overprotective

Hahaha

Did I say little? I meant a lot

When he first meets Peter, shit hits the fan.

He just doesn’t like the way Peter holds your hand so confidently and tbh he really wants to rip it off.

He does everything he can to deter Peter from dating you but for some reason it’s not working

But he can tell he’s wearing away at Peter

Then one day your boyfriend asks to spar with dami

And you, Tim, Dick and Jay all share a look

So both boys start getting ready to spar and Dami takes it a little more seriously

Peter’s reflexes are much quicker though, since he’s spidey and all so that pisses your younger brother off

so he starts getting angry

Suddenly, it’s not sparing anymore and instead it’s literally peter fending for his life as Damian tries to kill him.

So you scream.

And everyone drops everything and you kinda run off with Peter hot on your heels.

You completely shut down on both of them bc two ppl you really cared about almost hurt each other

Peter shows up at the Manor one day, looking for Dami who almost slams the door shut when he sees your boyfriend

And he’s like “look, I don’t know why you hate me but you mean so much to (Y/N) and I know how much it would mean to her if we got a long, she speaks so highly of you and I just- I want to get to know you.”

And Damian’s like shit, because he doesn’t hate Peter, he never did. He was just scared of losing you to heartbreak again.

“I didn’t hate you, in fact I find you quite um” *struggles to say the word likeable*

“Likeable?”

“No that’s too strong a word”

And Peter just smiled bc even though he won’t admit it, he knows that Damian doesn’t mind him.

Extras:

Never being allowed to go up to your room alone

one of your brothers are always watching.

Always.

The boys will literally freak out if Peter has even onE tiny bruise. They always think it’s a hicky.

“wHaTs wRonG witH yoU (Y/N)??”

“What did I do?”

“I can’t believe you, tainting Peter’s innocence like that”

“OH MY GOD JAY THE BRUISE IS ON HIS LEG HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS”

At least one of your brothers third wheeling on dates

It’s mostly Dick

They’ll literally hold hands with you guys and sit at the table at restaurants

When you go to the cinema they all wanna sit next to Peter bc apparently you talk too much during movies

The boys waiting outside of school for flash when they find out he’s been bothering Peter

Everyone hanging out in the bat cave to talk about “manly things” when really they’re just gossiping about girls

You totally don’t try and spy on these

It totally doesn’t work rIP

Your brothers have a mental break down when you and Peter get into a fight

They act like you guys are divorced parents

Will do anything in their power to get you back together again

You probably already have tbh

You just like watching them freak out over you guys

Overall you all have a really good relationship

Peter is the first boy you’ve ever loved

And you’re really happy that your brothers like him. It means a lot.

[harpermcintyredeservesbetter]

So, in an effort to compartmentalize my feelings about next week’s episode, I have written down all my theories about characters who could possibly die in the finale. Don’t read if you don’t want to think about any of the tagged characters dying. Theories under the cut. Will be edited to add more points as I rewatch over the weekend. 

Madi Dies

Let’s start out with my subjective opinion for this one; Madi feels like a one-season-only character. Literally every time I see her I think of Maya. Maya was on the side of good, yeah, but she was basically flat and two-dimensional. She wasn’t much beyond a love interest and occasional plot device. There was no reasonable way for her plot to continue on beyond season two. Madi seems to be the same way. Madi has been used as a plot device to give Clarke a motive to become completely ruthless. And beyond that, I don’t see how the writers would extend Madi’s arc past this season at the moment. 

“Commanders die.” Lexa and her death have been brought up too many times for comfort. Also, the uncomfortable parallels between Lexa and Madi might be foreshadowing?  

Possible Scenario #1: Madi goes into battle as the commander with Wonkru’s army and dies. Will be done if the writers really wanna break Clarke. 

Possible Scenario #2: Madi is left behind to lead what is left of Wonkru. Probably more likely as the finale is supposed to be “hopeful” and wouldn’t cause Clarke nearly as much pain as Madi dying. 

Abby Dies

Abby has hit rock bottom, then somehow dug twenty feet deeper. The Redemption By Death ™ trope is quite likely because so far this season Abby has been responsible for not only cannibalism and forced cannibalism, but she has also abused a daughter figure for drugs and advised her biological daughter to abuse her daughter in a misguided attempt to keep her safe. Literally watched two men get eaten alive and did not care as long as she got her pills. I know there’s probably more but we’ll just leave it at that for now. 

Paige was left off a cast list for season six. 

I’m really struggling with how she might die next episode though. My current guess a role reversal from the season two finale, with McCreary killing Abby to hurt Clarke. 

Echo Dies

When has this show let Bellamy have a happy romance, ever? Literally the only girl on the show to ever sleep with Bellamy and survive is Raven. 

Tasya got promoted to series regular, despite playing a relatively minor character before season five. This feels very much like how they promoted Zach McGowan to series regular in season four only to kill off Roan ten episodes in. 

Echo has been in a dangerous position all season between being a spy and being exiled. Not outside the realm of possibility that either of those things might get her killed.

Tasya was left off a cast list for season six. 

JRoth has been trying very hard to get the audience to like Echo. (And failing, jeez he really sucks at PR) Perhaps because he wants her death to be more heartbreaking?

Honestly there’s so many different ways I can see her dying I’m not going to list them.

Murphy Dies

Murphy’s arc this season has literally revolved around him becoming a better man both for himself and Emori, which screams Redemption By Death  ™ to me.

Richard was left off a cast list for season six.

Richard said his advice to Murphy this season was to “duck.”

There’s a picture BTS picture of Richard with his stunt double and both have neck wounds. 

Bob said the finale would be the perfect series finale, and I’ve always thought they’d kill off Murphy in/right before the finale because of the whole survivor/cockroach thing. 

Would be the perfect (heartbreaking) end to the whole Memori break up/make up drama, so I assume if he does die Emori will be with him in the final moments. Right now I have three (very specific) different theories about the scenario:

Scenario #1: Murphy is injured and can’t make it to the ship. He begs Emori to leave him and she does (”Survivor’s move”) . We hear/see McCreary’s people and the scene changes. It’s assumed he dies. 

Scenario #2: Murphy is injured and can’t make it to the ship. He begs Emori to leave but she says behind with him (Probably a “your home is with me” parallel?).  We hear/see McCreary’s people and the scene changes. It’s assumed they die. 

Scenario #3 also known as dear-God-don't-crucify-me-for-this-one:  Murphy is injured and can’t make it to the ship. He begs Emori to leave. We hear/see McCreary’s people. Emori mercy kills him a la Flarke to prevent McCreary’s people from being able to torture him. (I’m really scared for this one because it feels like it’s been too long since we’ve had a mercy killing)

HOWEVER, on the opposite side, it seems way to obvious to put his death in the promo, especially for a show that doesn’t usually spoil major character’s deaths like that. So I don’t know.

Monty and Harper Die 

Look I’m putting them in as one entry because they really haven’t had any plotlines outside each other this season. I feel like it’s neither or both atm. 

Also “die” is a loose term here right now because I don’t think they’ll necessarily die, but I do think they’ll get left behind. There has been too much foreshadowing for them not to be. Obviously I don’t want to see them go, but honestly, I’ll be really confused if they aren’t.

Starting with all the dialogue clues: 

Monty straight up says he doesn’t want to leave space; both are tired of fighting. 

Either in 5x01 or 5x03 either Shaw or Diyoza quote Matthew 5:5 aka “Blessed be the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” Monty and Harper are literally the only two characters left on this show that can remotely be considered “meek.” 

“Let’s show them how to live.”

“Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.”

Monty’s line about deserving the valley if they have to fight to get it. 

To be continued as I go back and rewatch the episodes because I know there are about 50 different lines that can be considered foreshadowing for this theory.

Also Emori has seemed to replace Monty as second-smartest-person-in-the-room-behind-Raven which, honestly, feels like one of the only reasons the writers have kept Monty alive as long as they have. 

Octavia Dies

I feel like this is the least likely right now, which is unfortunate because the writers put so much work into making Octavia a villain that it feels anti-climatic to give her a quick little redemption arc.

I’m not going to go to far into this one right now but this theory is pretty much in the same vein as Abby’s: fall from grace, poor life decisions, then Redemption By Death ™

Misc.

Eliza, Bob, and Henry Ian Cusick are all confirmed for season six. Pretty sure Lindsey is too. 

There has been A LOT of character development put into Shaw and Diyoza. So either they’re continuing on to next season or the writers finally learned how to right compelling side characters. (See also: My one-season theory under Madi) Also, Eligius 3 seems like a future plot point, I’m pretty sure CW censors don’t allow for them to kill a woman as heavily pregnant as Diyoza, and Shaw seems to fall under Plot Usefulness ™ as he is the only one who can fly the ship, which also seems important for the time being. 

I’m going to go ahead and say that Miller, Jackson, Niylah, Gaia, and Indra’s fates are all up in the air because right now it really feels like a 50/50 chance.

I’m pretty hopeful that Emori will survive, too, since she has gotten a lot of character development and a decent amount of plot relevance this season. 

McCreary is definitely not carrying on to next season. 

[eleanorose123]

Kastiltskin

Title: Kastiltskin Word Count: 2,341 Summary: A beautiful man is tasked with turning hay to gold and is forced to rely on the talents of an interesting stranger to survive. A Rumpelstiltskin AU.

A/N: This was quite literally me coming out of the shower at 10 PM thinking "wouldn't it be funny if I put these two in this type of story" and before I knew it it was 12:31 AM and I had written over 2000 words of it. Ain't that just typical. I’ll put this on Ao3 when it’s working again.

A long time ago, in a place far away, a king and a miller ending up drinking together. In his drunken haze, the miller began to boast about his child; a beauty for the ages, with eyes of sapphire and the ability to make the impossible come to life. The king took fancy in such a girl, and gave the miller a summons to bring the daughter he had described to the castle for inspection.

The miller, in actuality, just had a very aesthetically pleasing son, who did not take kindly to being referred to in such a manner.

“How dare you go about proclaiming me to be a woman!” his son cried. “To the king no less! What would become of me if-“

“Will you relax, boy?” the hungover miller said, even then still nursing a bottle in hand, as he lazily sat in a chair. “Just do what the king asks, it’s not like you have anything better to do.”

Before he had chance to retaliate, guards of the castle had arrived to their home to escort “the fair maiden”. Through a series of swears and spats, the young man was promptly dragged out of his home by the guards and taken to meet his fate. Whatever that may be.

In a surprising turn of events, the man was not recognized as a male (even considering he made no efforts to hide it), and the king put him to work for his “magical gifts”. Throwing the miller’s son in a tower full of hay and one spinner, the king declared that the hay should be turned to gold by morning, or else he’d meet the blade of the executioner’s axe.

The poor man struggled for hours to escape, making no effort to try spinning hay into gold for he knew it be hopeless. But alas, the tower’s walls were hard to climb, and the only window was far out of his reach. Anger had turned into reluctant acceptance of his soon to be demise, and the man slid down against the brick walls to sit in the hay, hugging his knees as his long silver hair shielded his face away.

“What’s a pretty one like you sitting in hay like that-ka?”

Startled, the man jumped at the sound and hit his head rather hard in the process. Once he had come to, he had realized another person had entered the room without his knowledge. Before him crouched a peculiar looking man, with bandages wrapped around his head and purple tinted goggles similar to the ones the alchemists in their land wore. His eyes stared right at him, along with a mischievous grin on his face.

“How did you get in here?” The poor man questioned. “Help me leave.”

“Kakaka, aren’t you demanding?” Standing up from his spot, the stranger was revealed to be quite small, only coming up to the other man’s midtorso in height, and that would be if wasn’t hunched over like he was. “Don’t worry about it, pretty boy. Now, what’s this I hear about turning hay into gold-ka?”

“My name is Kurage, you pest.” Growling, he stood up to look down on the other. “I don’t know how you heard about that, but let’s just say my father and the king are like two halves of one idiot.”

“I hear a lot of things around here-ka. So, Ku-ra-ge~” the short man played around with the syllables of his name like it was a score of music. “If you’d like, I could help you out of your little predicament…for a price-ka.”

“I have nothing to offer you, filth. I am a miller’s son after all.” Kurage looked up to a far window. “Just get me out of here now and I won’t call the guards on you.”

“Who said anything about escape? I simply mean I can do your little task for you-ka. That whole hay to gold trick is easy for a person like me.” He cracked his fingers before walking towards the spinner, a hop in his step as he went. “Just say I have permission to take that ring from your room and I’ll help you out-ka.”

“What did- Have you been spying on me!”

“Just say yes, you tall glass of annoying. Unless you want to die come morning-ka.”

Not seeing any other option, Kurage agreed to the terms, although still a bit peeved that someone knew of the ring he had stolen years ago. Through gentle and graceful movements, the stranger began to weave and spin the hay through the spinner, the reels filling with gold in moments. He had made it quite a show, quietly buzzing a tune under his breath as he worked, though by the third reel of gold, he took notice of how the other lost interest and took to sitting facing away from him.

By the time the humming stopped, Kurage turned and saw the stranger gone, and dozens of reels of gold in his place.

The king was ecstatic by the results, but to the peasant’s great annoyance, he was not allowed to leave just yet. Getting thrown rather harshly into another tower of hay, he was asked to make the same ridiculous miracle as before, lest he face the previously mentioned consequences. Kicking hay aggressively, he heard a familiar voice.

“Really-ka? Again with the hay?”

“The king has a thing for it I suppose.” Kurage sighed and took note of the eager look in the other’s eyes. “…I take it you also want the necklace I have hidden under the floorboards of my bed back home, right?”

“Ooo~ That’s a good one-ka!” Stepping forward, the small man reached up and gently patted the side of Kurage’s face. “Don’t you worry, I’ve got this.”

“I cannot believe I am forced to rely on the aid of such a lowly creature.” Kurage watched the man in question shrug nonchalantly before going to work. “…why are you helping me like this anyway? And how for that matter?”

“I know how to do a lot of things-ka, but I don’t know why I know them. As for the why, ah…” He paused from his spinning. It was the first time Kurage saw this strange man without a smile on his face. Instead of a smirk, his lips were pressed tight, until with a shake of his head, the smile returned with a laugh. “Let’s just say, I owe you one.”

Kurage decided he didn’t have the patience to try and coax a proper answer out and waited for the morning to come.

Waking up with a jolt, he found he had fallen asleep during the night; the stranger gone once more with the promised gold reels in his place. Kurage mentally pleaded that it would be the last time he’d be forced into such a situation, but the king, overjoyed by the results once more, said otherwise. Tossed into yet another tower of hay, the king made his decree. But what was promised should the deed be done made Kurage’s blood run cold.

“MARRIAGE?!” he yelled out, inwardly knowing that his strange comrade would hear him. “If I do this, I have to marry that oaf?!”

“Kakaka, you’d make a beautiful king, I’m sure.” Kurage turned around, hissing that he could never see the other enter or leave these towers. “Although, I suppose you’d be his queen until your honeymoon night-”

“Enough. I don’t wish for such mental images.” He sighed deeply, running his fingers down his long silver locks. “I’ve never been a woman, never wished it either, so why must these things happen to me?” Feeling conflicted over the situation Kurage sat down, the other man staring at him with a pondering look before joining him.

“Got me-ka. It took a lot for me to get people to recognize me for anything but a girl.” He gestured to his bandages. “I didn’t get these by tripping you know.”

“I take it I’ll not get a full story of that either?” A brief shake of the head. “Of course….I don’t even think your services will be needed, odd one. No matter the result of this night, I am doomed to die none the less. Unless you could help me escape-“

“I can’t get you out of this tower, stop asking-ka.”

“You’re such a little pest!” Kurage gave the other a shove, who in turn laughed at the response. “I suppose my only chance is through succession though…so what is it you want from me now? I am all out of stolen goods for you to steal off of me.”

“I could ask you for your gorgeous silver hair, or even your ocean-like eyes.” the stranger stuck his tongue out teasingly. “But in all honesty-ka, I don’t want to get messy like that. So, how about this? Tell me a story while I work and we’ll go from there-ka.”

Kurage found he could agree to such a request, and began to recount stories from his youth as the night went on. Several were children’s tales (“Fitting for one so small” he had noted) but a few were stories of fact. From things such as his father’s drunken mishaps, to a time he’d saved a little girl from a river’s wrath. Unlike the previous nights, Kurage refused to look away from the magic before him, and found himself smiling a few times whenever he caught the stranger’s eye as he worked.

“There you go,” he announced. “One room full of gold-ka.”

“That should please the idiot king. You’ve done…” Kurage really couldn’t bring himself to compliment another living being. “Adequately. Now please, amaze me with your escape method.”

“Ah ah! I still haven’t gotten my payment, Kurage. I’m still owed my due-ka~”

“I thought we had agreed I had nothing left to-“

Before he had any time to react, the small stranger had leapt up and caught Kurage’s lips with his own, causing them to collide against the stone wall in the process. The kiss was gentle, as if too much force would break the other, and as quick as it happened, he pulled away, a light blush dancing upon his cheeks. With a warm smile, he looked sad as he said,

“A first kiss holds more value than you realize.”

A bit shaken from the kiss, Kurage couldn’t respond, and could only watch as the agile man jumped wall to wall of the tower to reach the window. With a small wave, he had left, leaving Kurage with gold and hope to live another day. Fingers gently pressing against his own lips, Kurage almost wished he did have another tower to be flung into.

But no hay was in his future, as the king took to proposing to Kurage on the spot. Unable to get in a word about his rejection of the offer, or even address the king’s confusion of his gender, Kurage was dragged by handmaidens to get fitted and prepared for a wedding he didn’t want. Upon reaching the room, Kurage angrily removed his shirt to prove a point to the women caring for him, causing them to run out of the room in an embarrassed frenzy, leaving him to assess his situation at hand.

Not in a locked tower, Kurage noted the easier access to the windows. However, a brief glance outside told him his plans would be in vain, as there was a long fall down to the gardens awaiting him if he even tried to jump. And with nothing in the room close to being enough to make up a rope, he quietly pleaded out loud.

“I doubt you can hear me, and I doubt you could rescue me this time, but please, if you’re here and care as you may claim, get me out of this prison so I can come to know you more, you pest.”

But nothing came from it. Kurage looked around but there was no one in sight to make him feel at ease. All at once it crashed down around him that he might never see the stranger again, and such things made Kurage feel ill.

“…I never even got his name.” he whispered, before clenching his jaw and feeling a tear roll down his face at the realization.

“It’s Ka. I really hoped you would’ve guessed that, pretty boy.”

Startled once more, Kurage saw his savior stand before him, his head cocked to a side looking up at him with an arched eyebrow. Realizing what he had been doing, Kurage viciously wiped away his tears and glared down to the other.

“Who would guess such things? That’s barely a noise, let alone a name.” he scoffed, looking the other way. “Kissing me like that…you really are an absolute fool, Ka.”

“It takes one to recognize one it seems-ka. Now,” taking his hand, Ka lead Kurage to the window where a rope leading them to freedom resided. “I take it you wish to leave the king at the alter?”

“Without question.”

In a burst of emotion, Kurage lunged forward and caught Ka in a hard pressed kiss, his arm wrapping around the other’s torso and hand cradling his head. After letting out a surprised noise, Ka found himself relaxing into the kiss, the other’s warmth taking over him before reaching up and letting his thumb stroke against Kurage’s cheek. Hearing footsteps outside the room, the two quickly parted and returned to their escape.

It would not be the last time the duo found themselves running away from pursuers hand in hand, as the two found their similar interests in others’ possessions to get them into their fair share of trouble.  Kurage would never discover the fact that in their youths, he was the one who saved Ka from a river accident, nor would he ever ask again why the magical man was ever indebted to him.

To him, his debt was paid. And to Ka, his life was made.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 38: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: Just be screaming at the top of his lungs the entire time.

[Intro Music]

O: Hello, and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 cartoon.  I'm Owls.

S: And I'm Specs.

O: And today we are joined by my husband, Chezni cuz uh, we're going to be talking about his favorite episode, which is episode 38: Decepticon Raider in King Arthur's Court! 

C: Hello.

O: Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Yep, let's do it.

O: What's the worst that can happen?

C: We all die.

S: I can think of any number of things.

O: [laughter] Wow, guys!

C: [laughter]

O: It’s like that Marge Simpson meme: “Can you lighten up a little there, kids?” You’re just, like: “We could all die!” Okay then. Anyway-

S: We open in yet another fire fight between the Autobots and Decepticons.

O: Starscream is apparently really hungry as he complains about the lack of energy.

C: Ramjet is still gunning to go and attempts to ram Warpath, who instead sends Ramjet flying into Starscream, Ravage and Rumble.

O: Starscream is ready to flee but Rumble senses some energy inside a cave.

C: Ravage just goes barreling past and into the cave and the rest follow him-

S: Because when Starscream has the munchies it's everybody's problem, I'm afraid.

C: Warpath with his whole “Zip! Powie! Wowie!” normal sense of self collapses some rocks onto the entrance trapping them inside the cave.

S: And the interior of said cave looks, um, vaguely like a temple for some reason?

O: Starscream decides he's going to be all dramatic about it and calls it, “Their tomb!,” when the entrance is blocked, too.

C: I mean, how much do you want to bet he acts like this anytime he hasn't had lunch?

S: Seems like a really easy bet.

O: He definitely does. Rumble then points at a rock slab and says, “Hey, there's energy here!” 

S: This rock has, uh, some weird writing on it and some sort of touchpad functionality. You know, for robots, apparently. 

C: Starscream just runs over and knocks Rumble completely out of the way.

O: With ye old wonderful bonk sound effect. Also, poor Rumble, I hope Soundwave gets mad at Starscream when they get back.

C: Man, he hit him pretty hard. What happened to faction loyalty? 

O: Please, Starscream? Loyalty, what loyalty?

S: Starscream then says some bullshit about, uh, because he's their leader he needs to take the risk if the slab is dangerous.

C: Besides! He's hungrier than Rumble! 

S: Yeah, never mind if there are any negative consequences to this he'll definitely be using Rumble as a robo shield.

O: As you do. Outside, Hoist is trying to clear the rubble from the cave entrance with Warpath providing his normal colorful commentary.

C: Inside, Starscream finishes highlighting the text on the tablet- I mean, ancient stone. 

S: It's- it's a super old-gen tablet, don't you know.

O: You know, made of rock. Ramjet turns around and points out that the entrance is magically not blocked anymore?

S: And they are all just like nyoom out of there without any critical thinking whatsoever.

O: Critical thinking? In this show? When’s that a thing?

C: I mean, they literally had reality change around them and they didn't stop to think about it. Like, I'm surprised Starscream doesn't think this is some sort of Autobot trick or something considering how paranoid he is.

S: Yeah...

O: No, that would be a logical thing to do.

S: Mm-hmm. 

O: Outside we have one lone human female, uh, who sees all the Decepticons- that some says something about, “Big ass knights coming from the dragon mound.”

S: This'll be coming back later. 

O: Ha! Yeah, yeah! I'm sure this won't be relevant at all.

S: Two human knights on horseback attack Rumble. All the Decepticons think they're just some really weird looking Autobots.

C: Up until Starscream just sort of pushes one of them over and Ramjet headbutts the other off his horse. 

S: [Sighs] That's Ramjet: solving all his problems with his head.

O: He's got one talent and that's it.

S: Yeah, it's in- it’s all in the name. Ramjet then offers some constructive criticism as the knights appear to fall into two pieces when they fall off their horses.

O: Starscream picks up a piece of armor and comes to the conclusion that these are humans pretending to be robots. 

C: The main knight takes offense at this as well as when Rumble calls his armor outdated.

S: Leading our intrepid idiots to realize that they have traveled to the 1500’s, apparently.

O: The question is: Have they also teleported? Were they fighting in England? Or were they in the US somewhere?

S: Or somewhere else all together. And we will get absolutely zero answers on this.

O: Yep, that's normal. 

C: Then our lone female hiding in the bushes and eavesdropping flees to warn her father about the magical men, naturally stepping on a stick which immediately alerts everyone to her presence.

O: Because some cinematic cliches are timeless. 

S: The knight uh, the Decepticons are talking to comes to the very quick conclusion that the noise came from a spy and Ravage immediately chases after her. 

C: I mean, not only is it hilarious that, ah, Ravage immediately outpaces the horses but he just hears the word “spy” and seems to reflexively go after her with no context. He's just, like, “What? A spy? I must go!”

O: Fetch! 

S: I think he's probably thinking about when Spike’s spied on them a few times and, i mean, the general idea is probably to catch her first and ask questions later. He's- he’s clearly been traumatized by how many times Spike has fucked shit up for them. 

O: Speaking of Spike, the lady runs smack into him while running away from Ravage. 

S: They dodge and Ravage runs smack into Warpath.

C: Or vice versa.

S: Regardless, Ravage- Ravage skedaddles. He flees. 

O: Smart move. The lady leads Spike, Warpath, and Hoist away, back to her father's castle.

C: Is she just not concerned that you know two more giant metal men have stepped out of the dragon mound? I mean, how does she know these ones are allies? 

O: The color coding, my dear, color coding. 

C: Oh, okay.

O: That doesn't even begin to make sense but-

C: These are good colored ones-

O: Yeah- yeah, but Starscream is actually in some pretty traditionally heroic characters [character’s colors] if we're going by kind of the normal color coding in cartoons.

C: Yeah-

O: This is why it's kind of funny that she's like, “Ah, yes, the giant, angry red one is totally fine or-”

C: Those meta ones: Suspicious. These metal ones: A-okay. 

O: These are friend-shaped.

S: Well, they- they chased away the thing that was chasing her so-

O: I'll give you that.

S: I don't know. It's provisional, I guess and, at any rate, Hoist is clearly a history fiend as he's able to accurately date the girl's clothing.

C: Someone's a history nerd! 

O: A bot after my own heart.

C: She finally introduces herself as Nimue and confirms we are, as the title would suggest, in Camelot. 

S: So, she's named after the Lady of the Lake.

O: We presume, because she's clearly not the actual Lady of the Lake. She asked for our- the Autobots help to defeat the Decepticons to which the Autobots agree to help.

S: Then Hoist transforms and Spike and Nimue get inside. 

C: I mean, how did she know to get in there? Like, she just straight up sees that open door and jumps right in. 

S: Well, I guess they could have carriages? She might have also assumed that, I don't know, maybe It's just a weird ass magic portal. 

C: I mean that's true but why wasn't she surprised when the giant metal man transformed into one? 

O: They’re in Camelot, dude, they've seen some serious shit. 

C: [Sighs] It's only a model.

O: Later at Nimue’s father's castle, Spike is trying on some armor.

S: Some very ugly looking armor. 

O: That he can barely walk in. 

S: Hoist is obviously the fashionista of the Autobots, at least when it comes to human clothing. He knows armor and dresses, alike, and makes some better fitting armor for Spike. 

C: We can build it better, stronger, faster-

O: Spike? No, we can't. 

C: [Laughter] 

O: While Hoist is working, he asks the king why he and- or I don't know if he's an actual king or if he's just a lord? Anyway, he- he asks Nimue's father why he and the black knight who allied with the Decepticons are fighting to which the king responds with: Cows.

S: Cattle raids were quite common at the time.

O: Which is not the reason he gives, instead it's that they got through a- break in a fence and ate his garden and he apparently took, you know, personal offense at this but, well, wars have been fought over less.

S: Look up Washington State's Pig War. It's educational.

O: [Laughter] 

C: Hoist finishes up the armor, dunks it in some water to cool it, and then just hands it all in one piece to Spike.

O: I'm pretty sure that should still be way too fucking hot for a human to touch.

S: Yep.

C: Hoist is also apparently getting low on energy.

S: I have to wonder how much energy went into making that armor. 

O: I mean-

S: I guess-

O: Yeah, I have no idea.

S: [Sighs] So Spike gets his armor on, trips immediately, and then Nimue fawns all over him which seems kind of silly.

C: Ugh, yeah... and Spike gets a kiss out of the deal for, like, no reason.

S: Mm-hmm.

O: All right! What is the number one rule for time travel? Don't fuck with the past and, by that, I mean don't fuck in the past! 

S: At least not with anyone you didn't bring with you.

O: Yes! Yes, good point! Good point!

C: I guess that would make them safe. I mean, after all, what is the statistical likelihood of this being one of Spike's distant ancestors?

O: Look, if the universe doesn't care about the possibility of Spike doing the horizontal mambo with this great- great- great- something grandma, who the heck are we to judge? 

S: Well, the further back you go the more likely you are to be related to random famous people, I guess.

O: [Laughter]

S: I don't know, I mean it happens. The next day Nimue's father, Sir Aetheling is hosting a jousting tournament.

C: We see Spike getting ready with Hoist lowering him onto his horse with his hook, while Warpath gives him fighting advice.

O: It's actually quite sweet how supportive Hoist and Warpath are being during all of this.

S: And when did Spike learn to ride a horse?

O: I was wondering-

C: How-

O: -the exact same thing. Sometime, maybe when he was not living on an oil rig?

C: Heh.

S: Maybe-

C: Another life?

S: I mean- I mean, Sparkplug's the most interesting man in the world, maybe he did a- maybe he did a patch of work at a ranch or something?

O: [Laughter] Ranch-hand Sparkplug! 

C: So Spike fights very bravely and is defeated very quickly.  His horse sparing him no dignity as it drags him off the field. 

S: Yep, uh, considering that Spike is hanging onto the horse's tail it's a pretty well-tempered horse, cuz you really don't want to be on that end of the horse it will kick the hell out of you.

C: Well, it just- it doesn't need to consider insignificant things.

O: [Snorts] So the Black Knight, Sir Wigend of Blackthorne, finally shows up and due to the rules of 80s cartoons, uh, both him and Nimue's father decide that whomever wins a jousting match will be the ruler of the land.

C: Well, that seems completely unnecessary therefore, I agree! 

O: Of course, so Wigend being, you know, evil-ish is like, “Aha! But you will have to fight my champions, not me!” 

S: [Sighs] Uh, I'm going to conveniently stand out and leave you with some giant metal men.

O: Those giant metal men being Rumble and Ramjet. Rumble’s holding a lance and it cracks me up.

C: Then literally the greatest thing ever conceived in any children's show happens! My inner nine-year-old is just screaming in delight as one robot mounts a jet [while] holding a lance and shield, preparing for a joust of the ages!

O: [Laughter] Okay, you now- you know why we had to have Chezni on this episode with us.

S: Mm-hm, mm-hm, my question is: We see Ramjet’s thrusters go on now, um, so how are they maintaining a speed of 5 to 15 miles per hour? Even rolling on tarmac jets a rather quicker than that.

C: It's- it's, uh, it's the grass. [Laughter]

S: God, this must be such a bumpy ride.

O: Rumble’s had worse, and besides they're trying to intimidate the humans, not blow them away with a sonic boom.

S: True.

O: Of course, in response to, you know, uh, Ramjet and Rumble, Warpath transforms and the red knight mounts him. I mean that in the least sexy way possible. [Laughter] God, this is ridiculous!

C: It's not ridiculous! It's art! 

S: [Sighs] Starscream is pretty pissed to realize the Autobots have followed them into this time period.

O: It's his world, dammit! He thought he was finally gonna be in charge!

S: He had plans and nothing is going according to them.

O: [Laughter] Isn't that just a normal day for Starscream? 

S: Yeah.

C: Yes. Yes, it is. Simple physics dictate that Warpath is the quick victor over Ramjet as Ramjet has his cone bashed in. Wait, how does Ramjet live through this?

S: I don't think his brains are in his head.

O: Or at least not that part of his head. Uh, Nimue goes full Karen on Sir Wigend, telling him he'd better apologize to her father.

S: Yep and Starscream hits his fuck-all point and decides to kidnap Nimue to get what he wants.

C: Yoink! 

S: He wants to color coordinate his hostage with his colors.

C: [Laughter] 

O: Starscream-

C: Oh my god-

O: Drives off with Nimue in his cockpit telling her dad that he'd better surrender his kingdom if he wants to see her again.

C: Ah, typical Starscream.

S: Clearly, the Decepticons are suffering from lack of energy as they are unable to take flight and the Autobots aren't able to maintain their vehicle modes, transforming back into robots.

O: So, Hoist and Warpath have ended up in a pile. 

C: Uh, guys? Uh, wha- what are those two robots doing? 

O: Well, you see, when a daddy robot and a daddy robot love each other very much-

C: Oh, dear lord, I need an adult.

O: You are an adult!!

C: It's still not enough to prepare me for this!

O: [Laughter]

S: You weren't ready for the cogs and sprockets talk.

O & C: [Laughter]

C: I don't understand, what are they? They're robots, Harold. 

O & S: [Laughter]

O: ...Yes.

S: Aside from all this madness, we see an owl spying, you know, on the, uh-

O: Chaos.

S: Yes, the chaos. The hazards happening down below before returning to a man in a green cloak.

O: Naturally, as we are in Camelot, this is Merlin. Merlin exists in this universe, guys! 

S: Yep, yep! 

C: Oh dear.

S: [Laughter]

C: The owl apparently communicates this whole kidnapping situation which Merlin somehow understands and responds with, “Make some idiot 20 feet tall and he thinks he rules the earth.”

O: And then made some cryptic comment about getting singed by a dragon and walks off. 

S: [Laughter] Elsewhere, at the black knights castle, Rumble does us all a favor and shoves Nimue into a tower.

O: Sir Wigend protests but Starscream pops up and is like, “Surprise! You're my bitch now!”

S: It's Starscream, he wants everyone to be his bitch.

C: And then immediately after he just falls over from lack of energy. 

S: Wolfe, who works for Sir Wigend, shows up and hands starscream a whole treasure chest full of gold.

O: Starscream compliments him and Wolfe gives the camera the most coy look i've ever seen in an 80’s cartoon.

C: It is so coy.

S: Does he have his hands clasped?

O: I- I think so? But I might be misremembering that so don't quote me. 

C: It's very strange looking regardless.

S: Uh-huh.

C: Then Starscream just sort of crushes the jewelry in his hands, which somehow immediately turns it into a fine gold wire.

S: Which apparently leads him to creating some sort of energy device that requires a bunch of humans to move around and basically, um- [Sighs]

C: Like, aren't they generating some kind of electromagnet? 

O: Something like that?

S: Yeah, but it- honestly they'd get more energy if they just went and found a river and stuck it in the- in the river. Paddles in the river.

O: Please, the Decepticons are, like, on principle allergic to green energy, dear.

S: It just seems like it would be less waste and effort-

C: But there’s no servitude in that!

O: [Laughter]

S: Yes!

C: Starscream needs servitude with his lunch.

O: Starscream's a talking jet, he wants servitude!

S: It just seems like less effort to have to go and kidnap people to do the servitude-

C: [Laughter]

O: They’re not kidnapping, they're just making Sir Wigend’s staff do it, duh! [Laughter]

S: Yes-

C: That’s true.

S: But eventually they're gonna drop dead.

O: [Laughter] 

C: Uh... Rumble and Ravage attempt to step into the machine to recharge but Starscream steps in front of them and says he needs it more than they do.

O: Rumble is just not allowed to eat today. 

S: [Sighs] And back at the Red Knights’ castle, Spike is whining about it being all his fault that Nimue got kidnapped.

C: Spike, you need to have some chance at succeeding before you can take any responsibility for the failure of the situation.

S: He's been parentified by a bunch of giant robots.

O: [Snorts]

S: I don't know. Warpath encourages Spike to attempt to save Nimue himself while he and Hoist continue to prep a different rescue plan. 

O: Well, he encourages Spike's ill-advised rescue attempt, anyway.

S: Uh-huh.

C: Is it just me or is he just trying to get Spike out of his hair?

S: That is very possible, so, maybe. 

O: He was moping a lot. I would find that annoying, personally. 

S: Spike, er, he just sounds so pissy when he is like, “Yeah, fine, yes.”

O: So now back with, you know, Sir Wigend and company-

C: The other Cons are like, “Are you done yet?” to Starscream. 

S: Yeah, yeah, he just sounds so pissy when he was like, “Fine, yes.” 

O: Starscream steps out of the little energy field thing and is apparently having everyone retrieve items from his grocery list next.

S: Ramjet is working on charcoal and Starscream orders him to go get some rock salt. Rumble and Ravage have been tasked with getting sulfur. 

C:They literally only got charged for a few seconds before Starscream told them to get out to go get the ingredients.

S: Rumble grumbles and says they also need some potassium nitrate.  As a bird poops on Starscream, instead he tells Rumble that he- that Rumble now needs to go get the potassium nitrate.

O: For everyone as confused as I was about why a bird just pooped on Starscream and why that was relevant, apparently you can get potassium nitrate from birds droppings, so when Rumble grumbles about, “Oh, are you gonna go get this, then?”

C: Funny you should mention.

O: And Rumble's like, “Well, crap.” Literally. 

S: Mm-hm. Sir Wigend attempts to apologize to Nimue but she chucks the stool at him, as well as attempts to hit him.

O: With her fist. 

C: The sexual tension in the scene rises.

S: Well, she is not taking any of this lying down.

O: So, instead, the two of them fall on the floor together rolling around for a bit.

S: They're rolling in the hay.

O: Sir Wigend admits that he's been, “An idiot.”

C: What do you know, a white male character admitting he was an idiot! Michael Bay stole so much from this episode to make his fifth movie. Why couldn't he have taken that? 

O: No! No more Bay movie talk! [Laughter] He so- he then flatters her- telling her that her eyes are beautiful and she immediately drops him on the ground and says, “They are?!” 

S: And Sir Wigend just flops like a ragdoll.

O: [Laughter]

C: It's pretty hilarious. Outside, Spike is attempting to climb the tower in his full plate male armor!

O: He gets to the top but falls down into the moat, sinking because of said armor.

S: He proceeds to take it off with no issues- underwater- so how is it staying on?

O: I think all of this begs the question of, how did he get over to the tower in the first place? Because it was on the other side of the moat!

S: Yep.

C: He ducks underwater as the drawbridge lowers above him.

S: And Rumble walks across completely covered in bird shit. 

O: [Laughter] At least he got plenty of potassium nitrate. He also clearly made a new friend, as the pigeon is just sitting on his shoulder.

S: He must miss being around birds that don't create droppings. 

O: He will never complain about Laserbeak or Buzzsaw again.

S: Ramjet tells him, “Good job!” and even calls him “little buddy.” 

O: Ramjet seems, like, not horrible in this. Good to know.

C: Spike, from underwater, hears them talk about the sulfur, potassium nitrate, and so forth.

O: How!?

C: It's the opposite of mansplaining: it's Superman hearing! 

O & S: [Laughter]

O: Oh, and then we cut back to Starscream who's now stirring a bunch of stuff in a giant fucking cauldron like a goddamn witch's brew.

S: Where did they even get a cauldron that big? 

O: Ye old cauldrons are us?

C: That had to be a thing.

O: [Laughter]

C: All of this has been to create gunpowder which Starscreams demonstrates by casually tossing some at a nearby wall.

O: You know, it strikes me he doesn't have very much respect for other people's property.

C: I mean, he's basically just in a giant, like, toy house as far as he's concerned.

O: True. 

S: Yeah, Spike arrives at the top of the tower but Nimue cheerfully tells him she doesn't need rescuing because her and Sir Wigend are getting married. They're gettin’ hitched.

O: Outside, the Autobots and Nimue's father are trying to lay siege to the castle. 

S: The Cons and their human allies start catapulting, uh, barrels of gunpowder into the- onto the Autobot forces, destroying their mobile siege tower.

O: Nimue's father asked how they're going to scale the wall?

C: Oh, no! If- if only we had some sort of large, mobile metal construction that could reach that height! Like a- like a man? Like a giant metal man? 

O & S: [Laughter] 

O: So Hoist uses his body to span the moat as Ramjet and Rumble continue to attack from the castle walls.

C: Rumble just starts punching parts of the tower wall down onto the forces below. 

S: Rumble, that is a terrible idea when it's your castle and then Warpath is protecting some soldiers who are so insignificant to this scene they didn't deserve color.

O: Or actual spears!

C: It's true, they're just- they're just not colored in this scene. 

S: Yep, Sir Wigend asks Wolfe for help but, instead, Wolfe yeets him off the tower. He's purple, so of course he does that.

O: Don't worry, he's fine, he landed in the moat!

C: They had parachutes, they all survived.

S: Spike walks out, stool in tow, and tells Wolfe that he has to deal with Sir Spike now.

O: Oh, you knighted yourself now, have you?

S: Fittingly, Nimue is actually the one who takes Wolfe out with the stool to the head.

C: Remember kids, it's not violence if, in place of guns, you use household objects instead. 

O: Hoist acts as their forces’ siege tower and the knights use him to scale the wall.

S: Hoist will happily assist but does not particularly want to do the demolition himself.

O: He does take some offense at Warpath using him as a step stool, though. 

S: Well, I think I would too. Warpath and Ramjet start beating on each other with big, ol’ wooden sticks.

C: Just like any schoolyard brawl between two boys.

S: Unfortunately, Ramjet wins this round because he's been able to charge more and, because Warpath runs out of energy, he gets tossed on top of Hoist.

C: In another scene, Ravage attacks Spike but is chased off by the owl from before, running away.

O: Ravage is super small here, like the actual size of a dog or jaguar compared to the episode where he kidnapped Chip and was as tall as Chip.

S: Merlin shows up and zaps Hoist and Warpath with lightning, which recharges their batteries.

O: Oh, yeah, magic fucking exists in this universe by the way!

C: Starscream just screeches about how, “Magic can never defeat science!” 

S: Oh, Starscream, you're about to be real disappointed real soon. 

O: Hoist and Warpath jump over the moat in vehicle mode, destroying Starscream's machine and defeating the Decepticons.

C: Afterwards, Spike laments that he didn't get the girl. 

S: What about Carly, Spike, what about her? [Specs Note: I keep forgetting that he’s supposed to be, like, 14-15 years old? Maybe 16? Dunno how much time’s passed since the Autobots woke up on Earth. It makes the entire situation weirder. How old is anyone in this episode?]

C: Ooooh.

O: Well, at least we don't have to worry about the time paradox of being your own great- great- great- great- great- grandfather now, presumably. 

S: Merlin tells them that they can get back home the same way they came here. 

O: Oh! But you remember that nugget from before? It's called a “dragon mound” because a dragon has moved in!

C: And with this revelation I feel the need to mention that this means that Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Jem all exist, canonically, in a world where magic, dragon[s], and time travel exists!

O: Don't forget Inhumanoids.

S: But apparently Mertin created it originally because- well, the time travel doohickey, because he needed a time travel device to get his fancy 20th century doodads.

O: As you do.

C: They arrive at the dragon mound and the dragon comes out pissed but don't worry, because Merlin's got a totally magic-based solution for this problem: Dragon's Bane.

O: Starscream is not happy about having to trust “unscientific superstition.”

C: But as Merlin lists off the ingredients of this ‘Dragon's Bane,’ it quickly becomes apparent that Merlin's 100% magical solution is actually just gunpowder again under a different name.

O: [Laughter] Warpath chucks the Dragon's Bane at the dragon, which explodes, and the dragon flies off. 

S: Then Warpath and Hoist go for some, you know, low fives. 

O: I legitimately think this is because they cannot raise their arms over their heads. One or both of them, I'm not sure. 

S: The Cybertronians, plus Spike, walk back through and arrive in the present.

C: Getting shot at almost immediately. 

O: Spike and Co retreat.

S: Starscream runs over and tackles Megatron asking if he's happy to see him. [Laughs]

C: And Megatron just screams and the episode ends.

O & S: [Laughter]

O: Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's what I would probably do if Starscream showed up, uninvited, and destroyed my victory or something. So join, at least, me and Specs, next time for The God Gambit. Everyone bow to your new god: Astrotrain.

S: And your new idol: Cosmos!

O: [Laughter] Yeah! And I believe Specs has some, uh, fanfics for us today.

S: Yes, I do. So the first fanfic recommendation is “The Human Condition” by Wayward. It's based on the G1 cartoon continuity. It's rated T, there's some minor slash, um, there are some very there's various pairings, it's- none of it’s explicit. Characters: Mainly the Decepticons, there's a few original characters involved, and also Merlin shows up.

O: Again! [Laughter]

S: At least once or twice, um. In summary, “The Decepticons have been struck by a terrible curse: They've been turned human. But will they look for a cure or use it to their advantage?” And recommendation, it's kind of a direct callback to this episode because of-

O: Merlin, I assume. 

S: Well, Merlin and also Starscream- well, how the episode starts off and, basically, why they end up cursed.

O: All right.

S: So, it's multi-chapter and it's complete, but it's in the middle of a series, so there might be some stuff that happens in it that ref- references stuff earlier in the series but it's been such a long time since I've actually read it that I'm not sure if you'd need to read early in the series but I think this can be read, um, on its own and enjoy it. But it's some of Wayward's earlier work and she’s still got it up on fanfiction.net but it's not the stuff that she's got on her AO3 account.

O: Gotcha.

S: So, I enjoyed it- it's fun, it's- it's just- it's a good read. And the secondary recommendation is “Novikov Principle” by Spoon888. It's also in the G1 cartoon continuity. It’s rated T, it's slash, uh, the pairing is Megatron/Starscream, and the characters are Megatron and Starscream with-

O: Double the amount of Starscream. [Laughter]

S: Yeah, double the amount of Starscream. And, in summary, “Starscream uses time travel and messes up yet another assassination attempt by accidentally jumping into the future instead of his past. He learns that his life to come involves a lot less universal domination than he would have expected and somehow that's worse.”

O: [Laughter]

S: So the rec is- ah, recommendation theme- it's time travel and also Starstream schemes, and it's a complete one shot.

O: Um, this one's great. I actually read it, um, I- I think an alternate either- either the author said this or somebody in the comments said it an alternate take is “Starscream traumatizes himself.” 

S: [Laughter] Oh, I didn't look at any of the comments but it was one that I enjoyed reading. And that about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few.  And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, or Youtube, or AO3!  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: I’m Owls.

C: I’m Chezni.

S: Toodles.

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