#but there's some very personal horror in the idea of trying to communicate with something far beyond your comprehension

[supernovafics]

Absolutely loving the I’ll be there for you universe not sure if you’re taking requests but I’d absolutely love to see reader getting jealous over Steve bring a girl back to their apartment 💗

𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐀 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆

"i'll be there for you" universe masterlist

pairing: bestfriend!roommate!steve harrington x fem!reader

word count: 2.8k words

warnings: (slightly)jealous!reader, explicit language, angst, soft(ish) ending

summary: in which a night that was already pretty shitty turns even worse when steve brings his date back to the apartment

author's note: i loved this request idea !! this became a lot more angsty than i initially planned/thought it would be 😭 (also i'm so happy that ur enjoying this little universe so far<333)

general note: everything in this universe/series can be read as standalone oneshots but to understand the full “lore” it would prob be best to read the other stuff too<333

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Fall 1985

There were some moments in your life that were so ridiculous it made you feel like you were in a movie; one that was a solid mix between comedy and horror. 

Tonight proved to be one of those moments.

And it wasn’t even the fact that you were in your bedroom stuck studying for a Psych test on a Thursday night rather than doing your original plan of seeing some show at The Hideout with Eddie that made you feel that way. Instead, what made you feel like you were trapped inside the horror-comedy that was called your life was the fact that you had completely forgotten that Steve had gone on a date tonight. But, you were all too quickly reminded of that when you heard the squeaky front door of the apartment open and close, and then not too long after that, you heard the sound of Steve’s voice saying something you couldn’t fully decipher, but a girl’s very elated giggles were the response to his words.

“Shit,” You muttered to yourself as you immediately stopped reviewing your notes and started desperately searching for your Walkman and headphones. 

Moments like this were not supposed to happen, and after how quickly you and Steve learned that the walls in the apartment were insanely thin, you put a sort of system in place to make sure this kind of thing never happened. You would always tell each other when either of you were going on a date that could potentially lead to the person being brought back to the apartment, so that you or Steve could plan not to be there if that happened. And if it was actually a last second thing, you would try to do it at the person’s place instead of abruptly bringing them to the apartment. 

For the most part, this little system worked perfectly fine, and in the four months that you two had been living in the apartment there hadn’t been any issues with it. But, apparently, tonight Steve either forgot about the system or he decided to disregard it entirely.

And yes, in his mind, you were supposed to be gone for most of the night anyway— Steve hadn’t known that your plans abruptly changed when you were reminded of the test that you’d entirely forgotten about— but he definitely did not tell you that his date would potentially take this turn. When he talked about it early that morning as you two shared a quick breakfast before you ran off to class, he seemed pretty passive about the whole thing. He had quite literally shrugged and gave you a half-hearted “yes” when you asked him if he was at least a little excited about it.

Somehow it was this realization that things had apparently gone so well that he decided to bring Vanessa back to the apartment that bothered you a bit more than the situation you were now in where you could potentially hear scarring things at any given moment.  

It annoyed you further that, technically, in some fucked up kind of way, all of this was your fault. 

Vanessa was in your communications class; it was probably the one course this semester you actually didn’t hate. You and her had the kind of relationship where you did consider her a friend, but you also knew that you’d probably never see her again once the semester was over and you two were no longer in the same class.

It had only been last week when you offhandedly mentioned Robin and Steve’s Family Video to her when she mentioned to you that the video store by her never had anything good. And when she showed up to class the next day gushing about the “hot guy that worked there,” you told her that he was your best friend. She then excitedly asked if there was any way you could help set them up, and you stupidly told her yes. 

It was probably one of the dumbest things you’d ever said because you and Steve never set each other up with anyone; it was one of your unspoken rules. There was just something about doing so that felt weird and somehow wrong. 

Being each other’s “wingmen” while you were out at some party or giving dating advice was completely different. Doing either of those things didn’t feel as personal as actively looking for someone for each other; mainly because you knew that you both would be so damn picky and would only want to find that “perfect person” for one another. And then there was the more selfish side of it where neither of you really wanted to do it because your friendship always shifted in a certain kind of way whenever either of you got in a serious relationship. 

In your head, Vanessa wasn’t that perfect person, and you wished that you could use your selfishness as a plausible reason to tell her that you didn’t want to help set them up, but it wasn’t a good reason so you did it.

That same day, you told Steve that she thought he was cute and gave him her number, and he called her and the rest was history. 

You didn’t even think that anything would really stem from the date because of how uncaring Steve seemed about it this morning, but you once again thought about how that apparently had changed. And you adamantly pretended that you weren’t currently feeling something weird in your stomach because of that. 

You finally found your Walkman and you popped in a cassette tape before slipping your headphones on and going back to reviewing your notes. You fully pushed your mind away from Steve and Vanessa and what they were doing on the opposite side of the apartment in his bedroom.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It was hard to tell if you were actually retaining any of the information that you had been studying for the past hour. But, it was easier to just pretend you were instead of letting yourself think about anything else. 

You kept your focus on the chapter you were reading and the music playing in your ears; a new album that you just got and were finally getting around to listening to. 

You had spent the last five minutes stuck on reviewing a concept that wasn’t making much sense to you before deciding to simply skip it for the time being and turning to the next page in your textbook. It was always in moments like these where you would wonder if any of what you were doing would eventually make sense in the grand scheme of things. If you’d ever learn if there was any point to studying and stressing over a stupid Psychology test, because would it even lead you to where you wanted to be in the future? However, it was hard to fully answer that question because you still didn’t even know what you wanted your future to look like. And that was just another thing that you wanted to push your mind away from at that moment.

Right as you were about to put a new tape in your Walkman, you once again heard the squeaky sound of the front door opening, and then after a few moments and hearing what you assumed were goodbyes, you heard it close.

With a loud sigh, you stood up from your desk, closing your textbook and notebook in the process because you were over studying, and you were now ready to become at least a little mad at Steve for making you feel like a hostage in your own home for the last hour.

You immediately noticed him in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge.

“Hey,” You said, and he jumped a bit before quickly turning around to face you; it was a little funny seeing how much you slightly startled him, almost enough to make you not feel mad at him anymore, but not quite. 

“Woah, I didn’t even know you were here,” He said as he closed the fridge. “I thought you were gonna be with Eddie all night.”

“That plan changed because I remembered I have a test tomorrow, so I’ve been here studying for the past few hours.”

“Oh,” He said, and then it seemed as if something quickly clicked in his mind. “Shit. Did you hear–”

You interrupted him by immediately shaking your head. “No, thank God, no.”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea you were gonna be here tonight,” He told you, his voice then became soft. “I also didn’t think that would happen tonight, which is why I didn’t even think about mentioning it this morning.”

You once again wondered what happened on the date; how great it must have gone. But as much as you wanted to know everything about it, you also wanted to know absolutely nothing. You felt that weird feeling in your stomach coming back. This time you were able to decipher what it was— annoyance, and maybe even a little jealousy.

That was foreign to you because you never felt that way when it involved Steve and who he was dating or even simply flirting with. You didn’t necessarily like all of the girls he brought around, but you were always supportive and never felt an ounce of jealousy. Maybe it was the fact that you facilitated this situation that made it all feel worse somehow; like it was “too close to home,” in a way. 

You knew that you’d see Vanessa tomorrow— right before your stupid Psych test that you should probably still be studying for— and she’d probably tell you all about the date; excitedly rehashing the details of it. The thought of that happening only made the feeling in your stomach grow, and you quickly became frustrated with yourself for feeling so annoyed about everything right then. 

“You want a grilled cheese?” Steve asked, pulling you out of your spiraling thoughts. He went into the pantry to grab the bread. “I was about to make one.”

You nodded at him, happy to pretend that you weren’t internally falling down a very rough hill. “Yes, I’ll take one. I think that’s very fair compensation for the almost trauma you just put me through.”

“I agree,” Steve said as he pulled out a pan. “And once again, I’m sorry.”

“Say that a thousand more times and maybe I’ll forgive you,” You told him teasingly before sitting on the couch and turning on the TV. You flipped through the channels for a bit before settling on a random sitcom, watching it as Steve cooked in the kitchen and the smell of toasted bread and melted cheese started wafting through the air. 

“Here you go,” He said barely ten minutes later as he handed you a plate with your grilled cheese on it. “And make sure to cross this next “sorry” off the tab. I’m sorry.”

You laughed a bit at the pouty face he gave you to emphasize the apology. “Thanks.”

He sat down next to you on the couch and a silence settled between you two as you both enjoyed the grilled cheese sandwiches and only half-enjoyed the TV show playing.

The mindlessness of the show made it somewhat easy to avoid your thoughts. However, you still couldn’t help but silently debate whether or not you should let your curiosity get the better of you and ask him how the date went; even though you were almost certain that the answer he gave you would only make what you were feeling worsen. 

“So, are you gonna see her again?” You decided to ask him instead. 

That felt like the easier question to ask since you fully expected Steve to say no because nine times out of ten, he was rarely ever a second date kind of person; even if sex was involved on the first date. So, if the answer to your question was the no that you thought it would be, there would be no reason to feel this confusing jealous feeling because it wasn’t like anything more was going to stem between them. 

You were already mentally swearing to yourself that you’d never set him up with anyone again if this was how you’d feel when you did. Maybe that was another subconscious reason why you both never did this in the first place; deep down you knew just how uncomfortable it would be.

“Yeah,” Steve answered before he took another bite of his grilled cheese. “We’re gonna go to the movies next weekend.”

You only nodded halfheartedly at that because you couldn’t think of any actual words to say in response.

Instead of your current feelings washing away, they only increased tenfold, and then it all settled into something that resembled sadness. And then you became upset at yourself because you couldn’t pinpoint exactly where your melancholy was coming from. 

Were you jealous of Vanessa for potentially “stealing” your best friend away? Jealous of Steve for potentially getting into something serious while you were nowhere close to having that? Or simply annoyed with yourself for being the one to have made this happen in the first place? 

It was a solid mix of all three, you knew that— that was probably the one thing you were actually certain about. 

“You okay?” Steve asked. You were unsure how long you’d been quiet, but the show playing on the TV was now on a commercial break, so you knew that it had been at least a minute or two.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” You immediately told him. You wondered how obvious it was for your best friend to tell that you were quite far from fine. “I’m just… really tired. I’ve been studying for that test for so long and I kinda have a headache, and yeah…” You abruptly stood up from the couch. “I’m just gonna go to bed. ‘Night.”

You placed your now empty plate under Steve’s and then started heading to your bedroom before he could read you like a book and ask you more questions about what was currently going on with you.

“Goodnight,” You heard Steve say before you closed your door behind you. 

You knew that you should’ve sat back down at your desk and studied some more, but in that moment you truly couldn’t be bothered. You were suddenly glad that Psychology was your last class on Fridays so you’d have some more time to study throughout the day before having to take the test.

You laid down in your bed and pulled your blanket over your head as you let out a long breath. Every single thing you were feeling was still lingering and somehow it didn’t feel as if it was going away. You hoped it would all be gone by the morning; that you’d wake up feeling the complete opposite of how you were right then, that you’d feel stupid and laugh at how you had felt tonight. 

It could’ve been only a minute of you lying in your bed, or it could’ve been ten— you had no concept of time in that moment— but you heard a knock on your door at some point. You ignored it, hoping that Steve would go away, but also knowing that he wouldn’t.

Barely a minute later, you heard your door open and you didn’t have to see Steve to know that he was walking in. He was trying to be as quiet as possible, but the creaky wooden floors didn’t allow for any sort of silence.

You slowly pulled the blanket down from over your head and looked up at him. “Hi.”

“Hi,” He said as he set something down on your nightstand. “Some water and aspirin for your headache.”

A small smile took over your face and you sat up. “Thanks.”

“I know you’re too tired now, but I can help you study a little in the morning, if you want,” He told you and then gave you a playful smile. “I love reading your notecards.”

You shook your head and rolled your eyes. “Shut up, I know you hate helping me study for anything.”

“Yes, but I’ll always still do it.” 

You smiled at that. “Okay, well in that case, wake up at eight and we can study for an hour before I have to leave for my nine-thirty class.” 

“Got it.” 

“Thank you,” You said before leaning your head back against your pillow.

For a moment, you thought about telling him how you’d been feeling tonight; the jealousy, the annoyance. He’d probably think it was funny, just like you would in a few days. But, when you turned your head to look at Steve before he left your room and softly closed the door behind him, you decided against saying anything.

Just in case everything you were feeling right then actually meant something a little different than what you thought it did.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

let me know ur thoughts<333

(requests are open for stuff you wanna see in the universe/series!🫶🏾)

[sitp-recs]

Hello, I was wondering if you could have any friends to lovers drarry fic rec for me? I enjoy slow burn with a kind and soft Draco (where he isn’t a bully) or one where draco stood for the light side of the war (so preferably during the war). I just want want to see Draco have a strong friendship with the golden trio, really! (I don't mind if the romance is a subplot. I just want a focus on Draco)

(I quite literally watched Harry Potter with my sister thinking Draco was going to have a hell of a redemption arc and was sorely disappointed... So here I am seeking for comfort fics)

Anyways thanks in advance!

Hi anon! I feel you, Draco’s redemption arc was poorly done and so frustrating :( I hope you’ll enjoy these as they combine slow burn, friends to lovers and redeemed Draco. Some are told from Harry’s pov and while Draco’s not always soft I think his characterization will be right up your alley. You might also enjoy GallaPlacidia’s Draco, her fics were taken down but you can find them here. Finally, I have also added my personal favorites redemption arc as a separate category, highly recommend them. Enjoy!

Friends to lovers slow burn:

Vortex by @xanthippe74 (T, 20k)

The idea of perfectly-matched soulmates feels more like a curse than a blessing to Draco. Who would want a soulmate who was a schoolyard bully, a Death Eater, and a convicted felon? Certainly not Harry Potter. And Draco is determined to take this secret to the grave.

Nice Things by aideomai (M, 22k)

The first thing that happened was Theodore Nott came back from France.

With Great Yawns and Stretchings by sugar_screw (T, 22k)

The coffee is very good. Really. And the cats are so cute. That's why Harry goes so often.

Moldova's Magical Tea by @aibidil (E, 32k)

Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, and—to everyone’s surprise—Draco Malfoy are opening a magical tea shop to revive wizarding tea culture and, hopefully, to bring the community together after the war. Harry, who is unemployed and trying to find his way in post-war society, wants to help his friends with their new business—but that means spending a lot of time around Malfoy.

Open For Repairs by @drarrytrash (M, 35k)

After the war, Draco works at a tv repair shop and Harry breaks things.

Follow the Water by @xanthippe74 (T, 38k)

Harry Potter’s life is fine. Maybe a little dull and predictable, but he shouldn’t complain about that, right? When he unexpectedly finds himself at Luna’s house one afternoon, Harry gets invited to join the secret wonderland that she’s creating with a surprising group of friends. Maybe a summer outdoors is just what a former hero needs to bring some zest back into his life.

Modern Love by @tackytigerfic (E, 61k)

Harry Potter, of all people, knows that life isn’t always fair. And no one gets to be happy all of the time. But surely there’s something more—something better—than a rubbish Ministry job, and a lonely old house, and that feeling that everyone out there is doing a better job of living than Harry is.

Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love by @aibidil (E, 80k)

In which a group of wizards' rights activists goes on the offensive after a prohibition against love potions, forcing the magical world to confront the horror of magic's role in sexual assault and the murky legal nature of consent. Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Draco are swept together to solve the case, and in the process they're made to confront their own love and lust—with and without potions.

At Your Service by Faith Wood (E, 95k)

Hogwarts students are in danger; Harry is determined to save them all. There's only one thing he knows for certain: Draco Malfoy is somehow involved.

All Life is Yours to Miss by Saras_Girl (M, 114k)

Professor Malfoy's world is contained, controlled, and as solitary as he can make it, but when an act of petty revenge goes horribly awry, he and his trusty six-legged friend are thrown into Hogwarts life at the deep end and must learn to live, love and let go.

My favorites - Redemption arc:

And Save Me From Bloody Men by @blamebrampton (T, 10k)

Draco Malfoy once watched others fighting to stop the world falling apart. This time, he's not just watching.

Slithering by astolat (E, 27k)

Draco found the nest down in the Manor’s cellars, while he was clearing them out.

Heal Thyself by astolat (T, 47k)

"Are you going for the course?" Lovegood asked. "You have the NEWTs.” “What course?” Draco said, then, “No, don’t be ridiculous,” when he realized she meant the notice pinned up on the board he’d been staring at: Applicants To The Introductory Mediwizard Course For The Coming Term Shall Present Themselves In The Chief Mediwizard’s Office By August 24th.

A Young Radical's Guide to Love by @blamebrampton (T, 66k)

Memories of the war are still fresh, which is all the excuse Decent People need to do appalling things. In this quietly waged conflict, Draco Malfoy is happy to be on the right side of things for once, and even happier to find he’s not alone.

A Thousand Beautiful Things by geoviki (M, 104k)

Draco Malfoy struggles with changed fortunes, shifted alliances, an ugly war, and an unusual spell, with the help of a concerned professor, an insightful house-elf, and an unexpected Gryffindor friend.

Changing Tides by carpemermaid (E, 109k)

Draco has spent half of his life spouting the things his father has taught him without much thought about how he feels about what he says. When he unexpectedly comes face to face with the Dark Lord, he grapples with the harsh realities of the world and struggles with his changing views on life.

Far From The Tree by aideomai (E, 112k)

The arrival of Harry Potter’s children—snapped back in time, the children themselves guessed, twenty or so years—was the most interesting thing to happen at Hogwarts for years.

By the Grace by lettered (T, 140k)

Harry is an Auror instructor. Malfoy wants to be an Auror.

Eclipse by Mijan (T, 287k)

Draco swore his revenge on Harry for Lucius's imprisonment, and Harry all but laughed at him. But Draco is planning more than schoolyard pranks this time. The old rivalry turns deadly when Draco abducts Harry for Voldemort. It's the perfect plan, guaranteeing revenge, power, and prestige, all in one blow. But when Draco's world turns upside down, the fight to save himself and Harry begins, and the battle will take them both through hell and back. If they come back.

Twist of Fate by Oakstone730 (T, 302k)

Draco asks Harry to help him beat the Imperius curse during 4th year. The lessons turn into more than either expected. A story of redemption and forgiveness.

[cemeterything]

last serious post for tonight i promise but i think part of the reason i value critical thinking so much (even though i realize that might come as a surprise if your only knowledge of me as a person comes from here, because tumblr is more of an escape slash stream of consciousness collaborative scrapbook for me than a platform for spreading awareness or teaching and learning tool - no offence to anyone who does use it for that, i just prefer to treat it as a hobby myself) is because i grew up both extremely isolated and controlled and prevented from expressing myself while also watching my parents fall hard down the conspiracy theory pipeline and experiencing the creeping horror of growing old enough to understand that and learning more about the world and being exposed to more people and ideas in it and realizing that my fear and frustration around them wasn't just typical teen angst but an entirely reasonable reaction to their increasing capacity to be very dangerous and untrustworthy people.

and like. i did actually try to pull them back. i wasn't very good at it (partly because i was a kid, and partly because i have my own biases and misconceptions and just plain bad ideas that i'll spend my entire life working on unlearning and trying to be aware and receptive to criticism of) but goddamn it did i fucking try. i tried discussing, i tried debating, i tried arguing back and standing up for myself and others, i tried researching and learning and presenting my counterarguments backed up with actual evidence, i tried to get other people to support me despite lacking much in terms of social skills or confidence or people around me who didn't buy into all the same bullshit, or something equally stupid and harmful. i even read the things they sent me and showed me so i could say "look, i approached this with an open mind and genuine good faith, i reflected on it and i used my critical thinking skills and tried to understand, but this is wrong and it's going to get people hurt. it's going to get you to hurt people."

i grew up knowing that as the closest person to them who hadn't fallen into the same trap of facebook radicalization groups and increasingly deranged and cult-like (and i don't use that word lightly) organizations and communities online i had a responsibility to try to protect people by warning them that my parents have the potential to cause a lot of harm and suffering if nothing else. and i failed. i'm not a trained deprogramming therapist and they probably crossed whatever event horizon ordinary people who aren't professionally taught how to combat that shit could have any chance of pulling them back from long ago. but the one thing i still have the ability to do is not let the same thing happen to me. i refuse to just passively let everything i see and hear fester in my brain until it starts poisoning all my thoughts and interactions with the world and people around me, and i'm still willing to try to encourage others to be aware and critical of everything around them so they don't end up following the same path and ending up unrecognizable to their former selves. i'm not perfect, i've definitely made some very bad mistakes and hurt people in ways i can't and don't want to be forgiven for and have many regrets, but i will never let myself end up like that as long as i have the ability to fight back.

[iosagol]

Losing my mind over the idea of Hamato Raphael being an art kid

When his harsh personality starts really establishing itself at say five? and he's just SUCH a precious screaming handful? Splinter spends a year trying to corral this child before he adds brushes and ink to the list of what to buy on the surface, in an attempt to teach Raph some nice calm calligraphy, right

Raph paints on the cabinets with it.

And from then on he's absolutely unstoppable

He learns by copying drawings out of picture books and the few textbooks that Splinter gets ahold of, by copying out of comics, by trying to draw from real life. It's pretty ugly drawing in most ways because he's six but he's so excited about it pshshsg

And this doesn't actually make him that much sweeter/softer as a person, but it does serve as an expression of his thoughts when he has no earthly idea how to say them

So when Raph has sudden pitches in wanting to hurt his brothers, and yeah he's eight so it's probably normal but also he looks almost *upset,* Splinter stops trying to get Raph to verbalize and starts asking if it would be alright for them to do some drawing together

So that's part of how they communicate (not to say that Splinter doesn't also communicate with discipline and firm tone, but I think in the times when he can see there's something deeper, he takes the time to ask about it through art)

Fast forward to nine years old; they're all starting training now, and Raph is suddenly being taught an activity that feels absolutely right to him

He soars

And by this I mean that Raphael and Leonardo are very clearly neck in neck for the entire 2012 series; Leo only outstrips Raph when 1) his brother steps down and gives his respect willingly, 2) when Leo is ahead on a spiritual sense, and/or 3) on an emotional sense.

But whenever Leo is spiritually and emotionally lacking and Raph is too mad to back down, they're fighting and Raph is winning

And this

This derails things

Because there wasn't a hierarchy, you know

They're different ages, so that creates some competition, but to be very real, Leo, Raph, and Donnie all look the same age; it's Mikey who looks a different age. They're very close in years

But now there's a competition

Now Raph is good at something useful and he has to prove that he belongs there

He's the strong one

So drawing gets dropped for say six years in pursuit of being the best martial artist in the house

And then he's fifteen and Splinter assigns the leader and it's not him

Raph put everything into being the best at sparring, with his weapons, in every physical level

And yet in the days when Splinter tried to communicate with him, art didn't get through anymore, and neither did words, and so he was not considered a safe choice

He's livid

And then they go up to the surface.

It's ridiculous. It's incredible.

And Raph, to his own horror, goes home that night and paints until dawn.

He triples the number of signs that say DONT COME INTO MY ROOM, BRATS on his door and he adds locks because now

Now it's out of control and the same kid that painted on the cabinets has torn posters off the walls and he's feverishly painting a mural of the city above him on those same walls, a mural of the night sky and the rooftops and the birds and pizza and cars and the funny shape of dumpsters

Raphael made himself out to be the muscle, the rage, the powerhouse, and now he can't stop drawing and getting paint everywhere

What the heck is wrong with him?

This is what's wrong; he's inspired by something other than competition for the first time in six years

He's making something excellent for himself alone

He's happy with it

And so for a long time he hides his sketchbooks, in his dirty laundry, under his pillow

And no one comes into his room

He visits an art shop one night on the surface because he made sure it's on his patrol area

He takes markers and pastels and gouache and a bunch of pencils and he leaves as much crumpled money as he has in an attempt to make it okay

It's so okay. He loves this so much.

Sometimes he can't hide the marker stains on his hands and he has to walk around with extra bandages on his hands and say he had a sparring accident. When they realize this actually gives him more traction and softens the pain of his punches, everyone in the family starts mimicking this fashion.

And then Spike turns to Slash, knows the horrible angry bitter parts of Raph's life and Raph never thought a real person was watching all this time

He's horrified

Because when he is angry at Leo he draws Leo, and he draws him in a rage

There is proof of how much he despises his own brother, filling pages of books in his room

And someone saw those pages and was moved to hurt

Raph's art nearly killed someone he loves

He throws away his brushes, pours the paint and markers into the sewer system

Swears off of doing art even though he was finally finding his style and getting much better at realism and becoming a real artist

He leans on Casey a lot, watches Casey do graffiti and tries to be content with standing near that and maybe picking the colors if his friend lets him.

The Kraang strike New York.

April's dad is mutated, Casey's family is stuck back there, Shredder throws Leo's body through a window, Shredder throws Splinter's body into the sewers

And they're running away?? And for the first time in his life he has no idea what to do?? He has to be the leader now, sort of, but he doesn't know how it's done, or he knows how it's done but he can't do it, and isn't that worse?

Raph finds a torn notebook and a few pens in a corner of April's farmhouse and without even thinking, he starts to draw.

He draws thoughtfully, painstakingly, tearing out pages when he's not satisfied. He draws Splinter in excruciating detail, the little scars peeking through his father's fur, the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes.

There's no game plan, no revenge plot. Raph is alone, and he can't fight, so he makes good art.

It's when Raph sits down with his new sketchbook next to Leo's tub and tries for the very first time to draw Leo from real life that he loses it and ends up leaning with his forehead on the edge of the tub, crying himself senseless.

He's not okay

He's in so much pain

And he draws to take that away.

He's sick of cartoonish art; caricatures got his family attacked by Spike

Raphael dives into realism

He gets out in the woods and draws the trees, funny leaves, flowers, pinecones, ducks, clouds. He wanders around the house drawing it from all angles and changing bits of it.

One day, April knocks on the door of the room he claimed as his own and when he opens it, she gives him a watercolor set.

"I just had a feeling," she says with a smile when he asks what it's for. "No other reason."

He's practicing his katas one afternoon when he notices Mikey fell asleep under a tree. Slowly, Raph gets out his supplies and paints Mikey right there, kneeling on the grass.

He tiptoes back inside.

Later, Raph is chopping wood when Mikey saunters over.

"Can I look at the picture you drew of me?" he asks calmly.

"What?" Raph sputters. "Drew? Drew what?"

"I wasn't really asleep," Mikey explains. "I thought you could use a real model, you know?"

And that's how Raphael learns that his youngest brother knew he was doing art for all of these years.

I don't really know where this goes, but all I can see is Raph slowly letting people see him drawing and slowly letting people look at his drawings and slowly making more really excellent stuff and in times of peace he gets on an online platform and shares what he has and the internet goes ballistic and suddenly he's a really well-known online artist

When Splinter dies, Raph builds a triptych of three rice paper screens and paints across them

The first screen shows Splinter's past life as a human

The middle one shows him being the father to the turtles

And the last one shows him walking through a beautiful garden with Tang Shen; his face is obscured from view.

Ages down the line, when Shredder is long dead and mutations have slowly become a more accepted thing because plenty of people were hit with mutagen over the years and now people see it as more of an accident/disability than a mark of a monster, Raph finally goes to the New York Art Institute

and becomes the first mutant to graduate cum laude.

_

[callofdudes]

Dropping all my AU thoughts on you. (Lovingly) pt1??

Hunger Games AU: All of 141 bring previous victors from their games who find solace with each other in the capital. Would go through what they experienced in their individual games and how they won. But when the victors face off comes they all have to work together to end the games permanently.

Skyrim AU: Ghost works with the Dark Brotherhood. Johnny is 1000% a Companion. Gaz is a bard who is also attending the College of Winterhold to become a mage. Price is either a leader of the Companions, or he's a captain of the Imperial Guard. Don't exactly have a proper plot. And Gaz is obviously a redguard. Price is definitely a Nord. John is probably a mix of either Breton and Nord or something. It just makes sense. And Ghost is an Imperial. It just makes sense and I can't explain why!

Or, another Skyrim idea: Johnny as the dragonborn and Simon as a Daedric Prince of Akotosh who chooses to serve Johnny after doubting Alduin's reign.

Transformers AU: It could go either way, I envision it with Ghost as a Tranformer. He's the last of his squad who escaped captivity (I hope you catch on) and is sent to earth to protect Intel and find a place to stay. Runs into the annoying Scottish mechanic when his paint is dinged up. Or Simon as the angry mechanic who does not want to fix this alien thing that keeps yapping all day.

Rise of the Guardians AU: All the characters are there. If Y/n was present in this I'd make Ghost the angry easter Bunny who "hates his job". But if they weren't he's hands down Jack Frost. Sorry. Gaz can be Sandy (sandman) we all know who Price is, and Johnny can be the tooth fairy. If you know why, you know why.

Obviously a httyd AU: because everyone needs one. I'm already conjuring up things for Ghost's backstory it's insane.

Gaming AU: Price is a moderator for a large gaming community channel and streaming platform. He greenlights a lot of games that go through and plays them occasionally. RDR games and those likes. Johnny and Gaz definitely play the sims together. They'd play those games like Lethal Company and such. They try to play horror games but it doesn't always go well. Simon, (known to fans as Ghost) wears his mask or has one of those cool avatars. Plays horror games religiously and first person shooters which has attracted a glamorized following. Friends with Price and that's how he ended up getting together in the streaming group with Gaz and Johnny. They're annoying, but ok, they're cool.

Assassin's Creed AU: I've been working slowly on this for a while but Johnny as a sword/bow for hire whose work has slowed in the city he's at. So he packs up with friend Gaz who is going to a different city to study as a medic. Price is probably the king of said place. (I'm thinking of setting up in Greece or we're going to old Britain.) And Ghost is our famous assassin. And they meet and some stuff happens!

Not sure what to call this one (AU) As a young kid Johnny was diagnosed with ADHD and went to weekly day camp for kids like him. It wasn't particularly boring and Johnny had lots of fun. Until a new kid who is very socially awkward and reclusive starts coming. He's quiet and fidgety and doesn't make much eye contact. Johnny wants to be his friend. The story where Autistic Simon and ADHD Johnny become inseparable childhood friends.

Winged AU. I did a little thing on this a couple months ago. Some 30% of the popular are born with wings. Johnny is one of them. He's incredibly proud of his wings and it gives him some advantages and disadvantages in the military. Simon seems to hate Johnny for the sake of it. But every time Simon sees John's wings, he remembers the scars on his back and the pain of when his wings were torn off...

[awakentheeldritchabomination]

First off, I wanna say that I mean no disrespect to the artists who worked on Hazbin Hotel. It’s just that I’ve been seeing people make redesigns of Hazbin characters, and though I don’t usually participate in stuff like this (it seems fun, and you are all incredibly talented. I just feel kinda bad tinkering with someone else’s work like this), the show made me frustrated, and frustrated induced brain-vomit started sloshing around in my skull so noisily that it’s been keeping me up. And, well, I had to get it out somehow.

So…here ya go, I guess. It’s nothing crazy or new. It’s just a few disgustingly rough ideas for this very specific version of Charlie that I kept seeing in my head. They’re far from polished or anything, and they’re definitely missing some key details because I’ve been hyper-fixating on trying to get the face right lol. I might make a full body illustration later, but I have commitment issues so who knows how far this’ll go. That is to say, don’t expect any more of this or the other characters unless 1) my brain decides to torment me with more literal demons or 2) I, by some miracle, become a more productive person. Plus, Tumblr’s a new thing for me, and I don’t know what I’m doing with this yet other than posting art and then disappearing for years. Seriously, you have no idea. It’s a wonder that I posted for a second time.

Anyway, the direction of this design is pretty obvious. I went with the lamb/goat motif because I liked the idea of inverted/parallel symbolism. I was toying with a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” concept where they appear to be a lamb in this form but actually shift into a more wolf-like dragon sorta thing when prompted. Their wardrobe is supposed to be an extension of the innocent lamb deception as the ruffles and looseness are meant to be kinda reminiscent of fluff while communicating a sense of privilege (a white untainted by the grit of Hell… something that probably wouldn’t last long). I was also inspired by white goth and catholic goth aesthetics (I blame Ethel Cain) as well as those insanely beautiful ball-jointed dolls. I don’t know if I captured that well (to be honest, the more I look at those digital renditions, the more I hate them). I considered adding a pair of spectacles coz I thought it was cute lol, and because I thought it could be a way for them to try and seem more human.

If I were doing a rewrite (which I have ideas for, but I should probably focus on my actual original characters instead) then:

1. They would be agender and androgynous (I’d go the Good Omens route and make most angels/non-human entities largely genderless as gender is a human construction, one that most angels wouldn’t really concern themselves with)

2. They would be kinda elitist and naive but still sweet

3. Their intentions would not be entirely insincere, but they would not be acting without selfish goals

4. They would be an eldritch abomination

5. There would be possible exploration of their role as an antichrist as well as basically being a tool of war for their papa’s self-gratification

6. Their pops would suck

7. More horror

8. Like, it wouldn’t not be funny…but horror’s my genre so….

9. They would not suck at fighting, but death is traumatizing and so is being the cause of it (squeamish)

10. That being said, could make friends with Death??

And that’s all I feel like writing. Hopefully I update this lol

[onlycosmere]

The Gift of Not Feeling

by Janci Patterson

I want to tell you a story about my friend Brandon.  It’s been eighteen years since this happened, and in the intervening time I’ve told this story to fewer people than I can count on one hand. 

I have kept it to myself largely because I know Brandon isn’t the kind of person who wants the good things he does blasted to the world, and I never wanted to embarrass him.  And if that’s what I’m doing now, I’m sorry for it. 

Last week, someone wrote an essay I won’t link here (as you’ve probably read it and I don’t like giving it clicks) that treated my friend at once like a circus freak who lacks feelings and also somehow as someone who is uninteresting and undeserving of attention. The article also treated two separate communities I love with contempt. I seethed about it for a couple of days, but I didn’t really entertain the idea of saying anything online, because it’s not my place and responding to the media is not professional. 

Then yesterday I read this, and I finally had something I wanted to say.

I met Brandon Sanderson when I was twenty-two years old.  I was just finishing my undergraduate degree and he was just finishing graduate school, and we had some classes that overlapped.  From there, we were in a critique group together and were part of a social group where we all hung out quite a bit.  None of us had families yet, and Brandon’s first book would come out during those couple of years, so none of us had intense career demands yet either. 

At that time in my life, I was a mess.  I had arrived at adulthood with several chemical and behavioral disorders that I did not yet understand.  My brain would sometimes and without warning explode in a horror show of fear and shame and pain so strong it felt physical.  I didn’t know what was wrong with me—indeed, I had been suffering from the depression and anxiety for so long that, in my mind, they were me.  I had no way to separate what was happening inside my head from a reality outside of it.  To me, everything I felt was real.  Because my mind filtered everything that happened outside of me through a lens of terror and agony, the world was terrifying and torturous.  In short, I was living in hell.

Most people, when I tried to describe what was happening in my mind, reacted in unhelpful ways.  I don’t blame them—very few people are equipped to know what to say to someone suffering as intensely as I was.   They would try to minimize it in an effort to minimize their own discomfort.  They would try to fix it, when it wasn’t something anyone could fix.  Or, worst of all, they would react in horror, having deep and terrifying feelings of their own about what was happening to me.  It was empathy, but it only reinforced to me that I was scary, Iwas broken, I was wrong.

And then there was Brandon.  Brandon has the fine distinction of being the first person in my life to suggest to me that what I was reacting to, the reality I was living in, was not in fact real to anyone but me.  His first and honest reaction to what was happening inside my head was genuine and unfeigned interest.  It didn’t matter how big or terrifying the emotion was.  I could tell him I hated him (and did) and his reaction, every time, would be to say, “That’s so interesting that you feel that way.  Why do you feel that?”

Why indeed?  I didn’t know why I felt that.  Brandon taught me the words “cognitive distortion.”  He taught me that reality could warp as it entered my brain, that the reality I was reacting to might not be real at all.  It might be all in my head.

Of course, it’s not helpful to tell a depressed person that their problem is all in their head—when it’s done in a dismissive way.  But Brandon wasn’t dismissing me.  He believed I had a genuine and difficult problem—but that problem wasn’t me, and it wasn’t the world around me, either.  It was as if I had spent my entire life living in a box, and I didn’t even know it.  I thought the box was the real world.  I thought the box was me.  I thought the box was all there would ever be to life, and, I think reasonably, I didn’t really want to live it anymore.

But along came Brandon Sanderson. He opened the lid to the box, looked around with interest, and said, “it’s so interesting that you live in here.  Do you know that there’s a whole world outside of this box?  Do you know that other people don’t see you the way you think they do?  Do you know that you exist, separate and independent of this box? Do you know that the box isn’t you at all?”

My whole life I had assumed that my illness and I were synonymous.  Everything that happened inside my head was me, so if it was bad and wrong and a mess, then I was bad and wrong and a mess.  There was no escaping from it, because everywhere I went, my entire life, I would always be me, and it was me.  And then my friend looks at me and says, as if surprised, “Why would you think that’s you?  It’s not you at all.  It’s happening in your head and it isn’t normal and you exist completely separately from it and it doesn’t have to be this way.”  It was as if he assisted my will save to disbelieve the illusions, and suddenly I could see it:  The horror I was living in was just chemicals in my brain.  It was just thoughts in my head.  And yes, depression is real in the sense that chemicals are real, and thoughts are real. And I would never want to minimize the very real effect it can have on the people who suffer with it. But it wasn’t reality.  It was a powerful illusion, but it was only an illusion, and if I could learn to think outside of that box I was trapped in, I could be free.

I could tell you about the other help I needed at that time.  I could tell you about how I needed to move, and Brandon found me an apartment.  I could tell you how I needed medical treatment (obviously), and Brandon helped me navigate resources to make that happen.  I could tell you about the time he sat with me in the ER and told me that the doctors weren’t taking me seriously, and they should be, and I needed to keep talking to people until somebody did.  But none of those things are the point of the story.

The point of the story is this: Brandon gave me the most important gift anyone has ever given me in my entire life—a gift that I am absolutely certain is the only reason I am still alive today.  It’s a gift that has made every good thing in my life possible every day since.  He gave me the gift of not feeling.  Instead of getting carried away in his own emotions when he saw what was happening to me, he gave me the gift of reflecting back to me a logic and patience that a person can only have when they keep their emotions in check.  I owe everything to that gift, so you can imagine the fury I feel toward anyone who would denigrate it.  Brandon is not a freak.  He’s also not the perfect paragon of virtue people sometimes present him as.  He is a person—flaws and all—with a very powerful gift that saved my life, and I doubt very much I am the only one.

Here’s the rest of the story: it took me a couple of years to climb out of that box.  I had professional help.  I did CBT.  I learned to retrain my brain to see the world outside of the lens of depression and anxiety.  For a long time, when a depressed thought would come into my mind, I would ask myself, “What would Brandon say about that thought?  Would he accept that as reality?”  And if I knew he wouldn’t, I would make myself reframe the thought, hammering it into shape until I found a thought about myself that I believed Brandon would accept.  I wanted so badly to live in his reality, the one he saw outside of that box.  I wanted to be able to see myself the way he saw me, as a person with a problem and not a person who was a problem. 

After a few years, I got my mental health to a place where I no longer lived in a constant emotional crisis.  At almost all times in my life since then I’ve been somewhere on the healthy part of the mental health spectrum.  Notable exceptions were during the postpartum period with both of my kids, and one year during the pandemic when I got hit with several personal crises at once.  Even then, I knew I was not the illness.  I knew I existed separately from it.  I knew I could crawl out of the box again, because it was only a box, and not the true reality I knew existed beyond it.

Here’s the thing about my friend Brandon—I owe everything to him, and I’ll never be able to pay it back.  He wouldn’t want me to.  He would be horrified if he thought I felt like I had to.  I joke about Brandon asking me for a favor when he asked me to finish Bastille for him—because that “favor” did a lot more good for me than it probably did for him.  But the truth is, if I am able, I will always do a favor for Brandon Sanderson.  Not because I feel like I have to pay him back, but because it feels so good to give literally anything back to a person who gave me so much.  (And that’s not even counting all the professional opportunities, or the fact that he talked me into dating my husband.) 

But really, I will never be able to pay this back.  Never ever.  So I do my very best to pay it forward.  When I encounter people who deal with similar issues, I do my very best to give them the gift of not feeling.  To sit with them and let them say all the scary things in their heads, and to react with genuine interest, but without emotional reaction.  I have sat with people who want to die, and done my very best to reflect back to them that I’m not afraid of their feelings, that I will of course want to make sure they are physically safe, but that I don’t think it’s scary that they have those thoughts, and that I think they are a real, whole person outside of those thoughts and those thoughts will never define them.  That skill has served me well.  I may never be a person who experiences little emotion (ha!) but I have learned to be a person who can set aside emotion when it’s necessary, and I learned that from Brandon, too.

So I am grateful for that gift.  The gift of not feeling. Because not feeling most definitely does not mean not caring.

Over the years, I have listened to a lot of opinions about my friend Brandon.  I have heard people say things with authority in both the positive and negative, things that I knew to be both true and false.  I’ve never felt the need to correct these things—he’s a public figure and people are going to see the persona and think what they want about him and it’s not my place to try to turn that ship.

But if I could tell you just one thing about my friend, it’s that he’s wonderful. Not because he writes books, and certainly not because he’s perfect, but because he’s a person, and like all people, he has unique gifts that enable him to make a difference in other people’s lives.

[1lostsoul0fishbowl]

In lostys universe, Gare and El are long distance during some of their college years.

Do they ever have any big fights or miscommunication during that period?? Any conversations about what their future together will look like as the years peel away to adulthood? Just curious 🥰♥️

Still loving that greatmage lore 💜🩷

Ohh girl this made me think A LOT. because my first instinct was to be like “noooo my pookies never fight!” but that’s completely unrealistic. So I dug deep and came up with a few ideas… and of course it got really long so I’m putting it under a readmore…

- I think their biggest fights would be about money, but not in the typical way a young couple fights about money! In both Next Time I Fall and Lost and Found I alluded to El and Kali getting large settlements of “hush money” from Hawkins Lab, and at the end of Next Time El even suggests to Gareth that they use some of that money to get married. But it’s the late 80s and I’m sure Hopper had repeatedly impressed upon Gareth the importance of The Man Being The Breadwinner and the need to Properly Take Care Of His Daughter, so Gareth wouldn’t feel right about letting El pay for anything.

Finally El sits both Hopper and Gareth down one day and tells them look, Chrissy helped me find this super cute house and I can easily afford it so I’m gonna buy it. Gareth, you’re welcome to live there with me if you can get over your pride about it. And Dad, you need to mind your own beeswax. (Will taught her that phrase, and he almost chokes trying to hold back his laughter when he hears her repeat it.)

- Another thing I can imagine is the long-distance thing just wearing on both of them (they’re cuddly koalas and they can’t stand being apart for too long) but I could see that manifesting in different ways. For El, I think insecurity would be something she’d struggle with; especially if school interfered with time they wanted to spend together, she would feel neglected and get a little pouty about Gare thinking his work was more important than her. And I can imagine if he got impatient or exasperated about that, her mind would immediately leap to “you don’t love me anymore?” She needs a lot of reassurance after everything she’s been through.

But this, I think, would probably lead to Gareth never wanting to speak up about his own needs or problems, because he does truly want to be that steadfast source of reassurance for her, but also sometimes he feels a little resentful, as if she doesn’t trust him enough to keep loving her even when he’s irritated. And then that makes him wonder if she feels that way because of everything with Mike, and he gets pouty thinking she’s comparing him to Mike. Oh, kiddos.

- I imagined all of this coming to a head one weekend when Gareth wasn’t planning to come home because he was exhausted and had a ton of work to do, but El getting upset with him and kinda giving him a guilt trip about it until finally he gives in and says okay fine I’m coming. But he’s so tired that he ends up falling asleep behind the wheel and getting into a minor accident, which naturally freaks El out, and I think that would lead to a very deep heart-to-heart talk where they both end up resolving to communicate more honestly about their needs, and trust that their relationship can withstand temporary separation when needed.

- On a much happier note, conversations about the future!

I know a lot of people headcanon El as wanting tons of kids, but for some reason I imagine that pregnancy would be total body-horror for her. (Maybe I’m drawing that from my personal life? Lmao) I do believe she’d want a family of her own though, and I think she and Gare would have a lot of conversations about fostering and/or adoption to help troubled kids. And there’s a lovely fic that was gifted to me about the two of them preparing to welcome their first foster child.

I think they’d want pets, too— I imagine them going to an animal shelter just to look around, and El overhearing an employee saying “nobody will ever adopt this one, these dogs are monsters.” She instantly demands to see the monster dog, and of course it’s not a monster at all, it’s the cutest tiny little pit bull puppy, and El and Gare instantly fall in love with her and name her Bosco since she’s chocolate brown. 😊

I think El would have a lot of trouble deciding what she wanted to do after high school, as far as more schooling or a career or what, and they’d have a lot of discussions about that.

And of course they’d talk about traveling— there’s so many places they both want to see, and experiences they want to have for the first time together. Also I think it would be super cute if they went to Wales with Granny and Granddad Emerson to visit relatives and friends there. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

This got way longer than I thought it would lmao but thank you so much for asking! I always love sharing my ideas and headcanons with you! 💕

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/729670341373394944/the-original-ace-anons-it-sucks-that-in-our

Yeah I don’t think these anons can hear enough from you that this is a “college queer group” problem. I went to multiple schools in different parts of the country and they’re all either Social Club for Gay Dudes or they’re like this, just people being as fractious and extreme and having this constant contest of holier than thou. At least among undergraduate groups (grad students are better about this in their queer social groups at least). College queer groups are like the worst of Tumblr discourse x10. It’s good to have more different types of queer people in your friends group anyway but the first anon’s problem is very specific.

--

I was in college 1999-2003, so the dumb college queer group dynamics were a little different, and I'd definitely say my overall experience was better... But even so...

College is full of people trying on new, exciting, and profoundly self-righteous ideas about themselves and identity. Lots of groupthink. Lots of insecurity. Lots of cluelessness and way less grasp of history and broader culture than people think they have.

I'm not saying nobody ever made a good queer friend in college. Of course they do. But the actual organized groups usually leave something to be desired, and it sounds like they've only gotten worse of late.

Once you're older and out of school, there are still assholes, of course, but a lot of people have a greater sense of needing to band together in a largely uncaring world. And, generally, you form groups with people you share something besides just queerness with: you either have compatible personalities and hobbies or you're doing a very specific activist task within specific parameters.

TBH, I've heard horror stories about post-school support groups though. I briefly went to a bi one in L.A. just to check it out, and it was fine. The people were often older, and they were from a lot of different backgrounds, so the echo chamber effect couldn't take over. But some of the ones that overflow with needy people in their early 20s from similar backgrounds sound really bad in that way that happens when people need so much and the organization and other members just don't have that much to give because everyone else is in that same boat.

I think the support group format itself can really contribute to this.

When I've gotten support from fellow queer people, it has generally been in the form of forming friendships and then getting the usual kind of support from those, just with some added queer solidarity vibes. Part of it is just about what "community" really means and how much active social work that is. People who are there to do that are usually doing a little better in their own lives, have better boundaries around emotional vampires, and thus have a lot more to give if they do want to be friends.

[reikiajakoiranruohoja]

W5: Why do I think it is bad

When W20 (Werewolf the Apocalypse 20th anniversary edition) came out, it was a joyous occasion for multiple reasons. First, it was the first proper book released for the game in 10 years. Second, it was proof that the old game still had fans who were willing to try a new edition.

And third; W20 was about hope.

From its beginning comic about rising up to fight despite the odds to the way the book offered chances to play the lost tribes, to the way the supplements followed suit in offering more options and interesting ideas to use, W20 was about going on despite the odds.

This is not the feeling one gets reading Werewolf the Apocalypse 5th edition. Despite being a reboot, the book spends pages guilt-tripping players about playing garou. There is little hope, because being a garou sucks and most importantly; The fight for Gaia might not even be real.

Now, I am not one to say no to Alternative Universes, I enjoy the concept a lot. But W5 is still a game and so needs more than a rant about how badly the garou screwed up, it needs gameplay. And the gameplay W5 offers is sitting in your caern defending your turf while the world around you burns and if you dare to take action? You might become mad and become a fascist.

I need to remind you all that the core of WtA is the fight against pollution, systematic oppression, your own ancestors and your own Rage. The horror is how impossible the fight seems, how easily you can turn on your friends and how tempting an easy way out is.

The horror in W5 is how bad your ancestors were and how terrible it is to be a garou.

Personal Horror has always been the wheelhouse of Vampire the Masquerade, as being a vampire forces you to create justifications for your actions. Werewolf is titled Feral Horror for a reason, the horror is more external than internal. Yet W5 tries to make it internal like in VtM, leaving behind all the environmental horror. Indeed, W5 is written quite clearly with purely urban characters in mind with very little focus on nature.

Anyone who is familiar with NWoD/Chronicle of Darkness should by now notice that this sounds quite a bit like Werewolf the Forsaken. This is because W5 has taken a lot from Forsaken, but without truly understanding the way these parts make Forsaken what it is.

But all of this is, as we say in the community, fluff. What about the mechanics? Surely they are at least fun?

The way Rage works in W5 is extremely punishing because Rage has its own dice that replace normal dice the more you have. If you fail with these dice, your character will destroy something. At best. Worse is that any Rage above the hilariously small maximum of 5 gives your character willpower damage. The kicker is that you cannot choose to use Rage Dice when you want to, nor can you control their use. It is all or nothing.

Rage in the previous editions of WtA was a power versus control trap. You could do amazing things with your Rage, but the more you had the easier it was to lose control and the harder it was to deal with humans. What made Rage such a clever trap, was that gaining more was often based on player action. Those seeking a fast way to power would end up being creatures with very little to no self-control.

Rage Dice are not that, they make the life of a PC hard no matter what they do and at times punish players by taking actions as werewolves.

Another mechanic that punishes and in fact has some really unfortunate implications attached to it is Hauglosk. Stated to be the opposite of Harano, Hauglosk is in reality a way for the ST to punish any player who plays in a way that the ST does not approve. Worse, Hauglosk is at one point stated to be equal to fascism.

On the fluff side, Hauglosk also serves as a way to limit what the PCs can do as the book helpfully notes it manifests in the form of absolute certainty to your cause and the want to act NOW. Since we are on Tumblr here, I should not have to note how baffling that is in a game about activism.

The way Hauglosk is written is most likely to justify the removal of a tribe from the playable roster. The Get of Fenris might have had their issues, but W5's cult of Fenris is said to be utterly lost to Hauglosk. By wanting to keep fighting the Wyrm with certainty. The sheer vitriol this book has for the Get of Fenris is to the point where some tribes do worse things than they do but are still playable. Worse, by the book itself, you can redeem a Black Spiral Dancer but not a Cult of Fenris member.

Let me repeat that; You can redeem a rapist torturer who willingly pollutes and eats humans but you CANNOT redeem a person fighting on the same side as you who is a bit more fanatic about the cause.

This push to make the tribe into essentially fascists didn't come from an edgelord writer. It came from the Brand Manager who pushed for it very hard, while doing their damnedest to take away feminism from the Black Furies and ignored suggestions from Indigenous writer about the Native American tribes. Sadly, because this person still IS the Brand Manager, Furies are no longer women-only and no tribe has ties to any human culture.

(Also, just to be clear; Paradox denied the Onyx Path developers any name changes to the Native American tribes and the only reason their names were changed in W5 is thanks to the aforementioned Indigenous writer fighting for the changes tooth and nail.)

These are only a few things that make W5 a mess, but I hope I shed some light on the issue.

[aspd-culture]

hey, i've really enjoyed this blog so i want to make absolutely sure: your stance on endogenic systems is "they have trauma, they just don't know it"?

Yep. If someone is genuinely a system, that is incompatible with having no trauma. If someone genuinely did not have trauma, they by our current scientific understanding cannot be a system.

That said, unlike many other people with this take, I try not to push endos to realize that because if they were ready to, their system would have told them. I know *multiple* people who identified as "endo" before remembering their trauma when they were ready to and realizing they were very wrong.

I also know people who formerly identified as "endo" but realized that trauma to a child can be things as "simple" as a divorce or death of a very important person in their family etc. It's not always super intense abuse. Whilst that is much more likely to cause a system it is in no way impossible to see it from things that are not commonly thought of as traumatic. It's a great time to acknowledge this actually because it's true of every trauma disorder - childhood trauma is inherently going to be different than adult trauma because children are less resilient with less life experience and their brains are still in development so they are much less likely to "bounce back". It gets cemented in their development that pain like this is part of the world and they need to develop ways to cope.

The things that an adult believes they cannot manage to survive, and therefore need to change the way their brain functions to tolerate, has a *much* higher threshold than the same for a child because a child has not seen proof of what the human brain and body can survive. Further, a child hasn't developed the ability to emotionally support themselves, so emotional neglect can make it so what in no way even upsets a child with a support system may feel unsurvivable to a child without any. If you didn't know how much blood you could lose and still live, you would think the smallest scratch might kill you - that's what life is to a child.

All of that is to say, systems don't need to have lived through unspeakable horrors to be systems, but they *do* need to have some sort of trauma as far as we currently know. If you look into adverse child experiences (ACEs), you will probably be surprised as to what counts as traumatic in the mind of a child. I cannot stress enough that a kid may become traumatized enough to develop a system from almost *any* normal negative part of life if they have no emotional support to teach them how to adjust and handle pain. That is where, in that case, the system would come in - to be the ones helping them process and handle pain since no one else is.

If the psych community were to find in multiple repeatable studies that there is a reason for non-traumagenic systems to develop, I would change my stance because I know that psych knowledge especially has a very short half-life. We learn new things all the time. But for what we currently know about how systems develop, they cannot do so without some type of sustained trauma.

If that affects your enjoyment of this blog, I'm not sure what to say. It is not common that systems even get discussed here, though it does come up sometimes because both are trauma disorders (with ASPD being infrequently purely genetic I think?). When it does come up - because all of this blog besides the culture asks are based in current psych knowledge, the DSM/ICD, and my personal anecdotes - you will see my understanding in my discussions of it. It's not to alienate anyone, but it's no different than someone asking me to say something currently believed to be factually wrong about ASPD for their comfort; I can't and won't do that.

I don't mean to come off hostile, this is all /neutral, it's just that I hate the idea that an ASPD blog that is helpful or enjoyable to someone might in some way have that positive impact affected by a currently accepted truth about a completely unrelated disorder.

Is it right of me to take that out on you though my tone? No, because you're not the one causing that emotion bc I don't even particularly know your stance on this. Unfortunately though, despite rewriting this post like 3 times, I cannot seem to get the /neutral tone to come across properly. Just... please understand it is there because my autism is not letting me phrase it right.

[swamp-spirit]

Gritty Danny Phantom Netflix Reboot

It's inevitable. Here's my pitch.

So obviously the title is ‘Phantom’. It’s reboot inevitably that it’s gonna be the edgy, one word version of the original title.

For tone, leaning a bit into the dark/horror elements and getting a bit worldbuilding heavy, but also trying to keep a fun action feel that’s not too scared to be silly. Obviously, with me writing, being ‘half-ghost’ is a lot about being a community outsider and a lot about going through something traumatic and feeling like the you from before is gone.

Characters:

Danny Fenton

In the main show, he’s a bit of an ‘everyman’, so I want to get a little more specific with him,

He’s supposed to be a huge nerd, but he doesn’t act that nerdy. He’s pretty confident and straight laced.

I like the idea of Danny as a character who, especially growing up with Jazz and his parents fighting, wants to keep everyone happy, even when it isn’t practical. He focuses on trying to get people to get along and not taking sides, even when it’s a bad idea. He often ends up trying to make peace between Tucker and Sam and pulling the ‘both sides have points’, even when one of them is clearly wrong. He goes along with his parent’s ghost hunting while not believing in it, and tries to convince Jazz to ‘be reasonable’.

In Phantom form, his actual opinions start to surface. He’s frustrated that people can’t just be nice, and frustrated at feeling like he’s always cleaning up other people’s messes. He’s free to be opinionated, aggressive, and take action for what he believes. On the flipside, Phantom is prone to making irrational, emotional decisions and following poor priorities.

Besides being caught between two emotional extremes, he’s physically and metaphysically ‘caught between’ living and dead. His ghost form feels unstable and insubstantial, but, in his human form, Danny is hyperconscious of his own death. His heartbeat and pulse feel wrong‘.

Sam Manson

So I think the trick with Sam is every CW/Netflix teen show’s attempts to write very political characters, especially women, is… very bad. Very surface and ham-fisted. First, instead of updating Mall-Goth to E-Girl, go for a crunchy goth/punk/grunge look, especially for a rebelling rich kid. Shoes held together with duct-tape, big jackets she wrote on in sharpie, but keep the stompy boots.

Avoid the whole ‘haha she’s going too far’ and vegetarian jokes, and give her some specific local politics to be involved in (that can help inform later plots). 

As an ‘outsider’ teen activist, she probably doesn’t have many people her own age who don’t see her as weird and pushy, so maybe has an older group of acquaintances. Teen goth with phone contacts full of old activist ladies maybe? 

She has a very strong moral compass, but is insecure about her own wealth and privilege and compensated by being a bit blind on certain issues. She can also be unempathetic to people’s personal circumstances.

Tucker Foley

The teen Cassanova bit gets a bit cringy, so first I want to change this from ‘hanging outside the girl’s locker room’ cringe to ‘oh no, this 14 year old just read a wiki-how article on how to be confident’ cringe. He’s sincere and good hearted, but much more of a teen boy trying to be cool and it just highlighting his insecurity. As the show goes on, he becomes more confident as a Teen Hero and stops trying to impress assholes.

He’s a tech nerd from a middle class family, so is an expert at working with the supplies he can get. He is also prone to going to ‘hang out with Danny’ and then ditching Danny and Sam to obsess over Maddie Fenton’s latest tech. All attempts to be cool are lost in the face of Neat Electronics.

Jazz Fenton

Pretty much the same situation as canon. Her parents are immature, so she’s decided she’s Danny’s parent, but she’s also a teenager herself and not as mature as she’s decided she is. She barges in to fix problems when it’s not helpful/wanted, but she is also the only reason Danny lived to age fourteen.

Maddie and Jack Fenton

Mostly the same as canon. They do everything 100%, and don’t always notice the world around them. Jack is pure enthusiasm, and tries hard to connect with his kids while utterly failing to notice that they have their own interests and lives. Maddie is a little more perceptive, but easily distracted by her passions.

The family has a decent fortune on a previous Fenton Thermos prototype getting sold as the next Hydroflask. It’s a super trendy, high-class thermos, and Jack and Maddie are endlessly frustrated that their money comes from their world-saving ghost capture device being used as an actual soup thermos. It also means there’s a handy yet unreliable ghost thermos around whenever the story needs it.

Vlad Masters

A lot of Vlad’s goals stay the same, but a slightly more serious tone means he needs to be a bit… less stupid. He’s just as manipulative and self-centered, but he’s a bit better at putting on a polite face to get what he wants.

His ghost form gives him powers, but, like Phantom, it’s much more emotionally volatile. Vlad will often carefully set the stage, only for Plasmius to ruin it all for a chance to get one over on Jack or impress Maddie. If Vlad is trying to convince Danny to work with him, Plasmius will lose his temper. If Vlad is trying to attack, Plasmius will fall to base emotional manipulation.

Valerie Grey

Like Jazz, I pretty much like what she’s already got going on. Get pissed, join the villain, become a reluctant ally as a super and a protective GF in normal life.

Some Major Shifts:

-Tucker and Sam are not initially aware of Danny’s death and find out mid-way through Season 1

-When the story begins, Vlad and Jack are already ‘reconciling’, and Vlad is present around the Fenton house

-The sci-fi elements of the world belong purely to the human realm. The ghost realm is dreamlike and magical, while things like portals and shields are human ways of interfering with the metaphorical and metaphysical.

-Speaking of which, Danny is less ‘gene-spliced half creature’ and more ‘dead ghost possessing his own living body’

-Danny takes longer to become a known presence, managing to keep hidden for most of the first season, then going from ‘legend’ to ‘oddity’ to ‘yeah, the ghost hero, we all know him’

Ghost Powers:Keeping some Phandom lore here. Since it’s not a kid’s show, most ghosts can be actually dead people with regrets. Also keeping ghost cores and Obsessions because it gives an excuse for weird, campy undead on wild missions. (cores - a ghost’s center organ, and also sorta their soul, Obsession - the tendency of ghosts to become wholly focused on their passions or regrets to the point or irrationality)

For Danny specifically, I’m switching from Magical Transformation to Astral Projection. Part of this is for tone shift reasons, but it also adds a few narrative levers. There’s a ticker timer for Phantom to return to his body as Danny could perma die and leave Phantom stuck as a ghost. It also leaves Danny’s body open to possession while his ghost is away. (On the helpful end, it means his body can rest while Phantom does the teen superhero thing)

Phantom is naturally invisible and intangible, but becoming tangible forces him to become visible and neither is easy.

In human form, Danny retains access to extra strength and healing and, eventually, his ice powers, but lacks most of his more ghostly abilities.

Other Worldbuilding Things

The Ghost Zone serves two functions. First, it makes a cushioned pocket between life and death so the realms don’t damage each other. Second, it gives a place for those not ready to move on to dispel regrets. It’s intentionally separate from the human realm because watching the living world tends not to dispel regrets. Concepts from the human world tend to ‘echo’ there, and there’s a second society that some ghosts choose not to leave, sustaining a second life in the Ghost Zone. Most of the non-dead entities (like Clockwork) that live there exist to protect the Zone and keep it stable and functional.

Besides moving on, the way to escape the Ghost Zone is ripping through the border. It takes incredible will, so is usually only doable with a very meaningful ‘unfinished business’. It also does extreme damage to the spirit, leaving them weakened and confused. Entities in the ghost zone also work hard to prevent this as weakening the borders could lead to the collapse of the entire Zone.

The Fenton Portal created a weakened spot between the Zone and the living world and Danny ripping through it turned the weak spot into a permanent gap. Ghosts can cross full without damage and at full power, even if their goals in the human realm are mundane. It’s the gap in the fence all the local teens know, and it can’t be patched.

Stylistic

This will get me eaten alive, but I like switching the jumpsuit for pajamas so the ghost form has kinda loose, simple clothes.

Overall, the show brings big budgeting issues. I like the idea of using underwater footage to get ghost movement and get that floaty look. The ghost zone in general, use everyday sets, but with a strong purple light and a teal kick light. Using sets from other things and taking advantage of the nature of sets to wander between locations in ways that don’t make sense is a plus, but shoots could be at night pretty much anywhere.

I also suggest using different locations for the same location, for example, shooting a scene at a ghost zone diner at various diners, even mid scene.

Romance Thoughts:

It’s the CW reboot. There’s got to be romance, but I’d prefer to keep it on the back-burner. 

Personally, I think Danny/Val has that good ‘conflicting identities’ thing, and it’s a romance arc that isn’t obvious from page 1, which I like. Before that, I think Danny should have at least one tragic romance with a ghost.

Lesbian Sam feels stereotypically predictable, but I also enjoy the idea of shipteasing Danny/Sam before it’s revealed that Sam having a ‘crush’ on Danny has been a long series of misunderstandings as she attempts to hide her huge crush on Jazz. 

Tucker gets an internet girlfriend who nobody believes is real for a solid season. They met getting into petty forum wars over an MMO they both play. Once he has a girlfriend, he switches from Casanova to just constantly bringing up his Girlfriend, Who is Real and Hot and Plays Video Games.

Episode 1: Origin Story

Episode opens with Danny clearly stretched too thin. Sam has managed to force Tucker hiking and wants Danny there too, Tucker wants him there for emotional support, and Jazz thinks Danny should stay home and work on homework. Danny has promised his parents he’ll join them on a ghost hunt. Sam, Tucker, and Jazz all point out that Danny doesn’t even believe in ghosts and he always lets himself get dragged into this stuff, while Danny insists this hunt is extra important to their parents.

It’s revealed that the reason for this importance is the Fenton parents reconnecting and reconciling with their college friend Vlad. Vlad is polite, but keeps subtly avoiding saying anything nice about Jack while paying attention to Maddie. (“It’s wonderful to see you again” vs “It’s been a while”) He brings gifts for the kids and asks about their lives.

Jazz is immediately taken with Vlad. He talks about her school life and seems polite and educated, an example of an adult who can handle himself. Danny is a bit more hesitant, pointing out that he doesn’t seem that happy to see Jack.

The Fentons excitedly show Vlad the new portal. Vlad makes an excuse to get everyone out of the room. Afterwards, he excitedly asks Jack to demonstrate the portal. (A later episode confirms he intentionally sabotaged the portal for revenge, but him getting people out of the room should be as plausible as possible so viewers can feel proud for putting it together). Before they can show Vlad, Jack rushes them out on a ghost hunt. He says the portal takes time to warm up

It’s a long, boring car ride. During the ghost hunt, there does seem to be an actual ghost. Danny keeps seeing glimpses of the haunting and is getting genuinely scared. The adult Fentons, meanwhile, are excitedly chasing various non-paranormal occurrences, certain it’s ghostly activity.

They come home late and Maddie insists the portal be left until morning so they can eat and get some rest. Danny decides to get online with friends instead. He realizes the computer won’t work because the portal’s on and tells his friends he’s going to go shut it down while he plays, then sneak down to boot it back up.

We see the ghost from earlier watching and static building on the portal. He reaches out to touch it and the scene becomes surreal. We hear Danny’s heart racing. Danny collapses and, at the same time, is pulled across the portal.

In the final shot, we hear dead silence, no heart beating, and Danny lying lifelessly on the floor. The camera pulls out and his ghost form floats on the other side of the portal, away from the body. He looks confused and frightened and, as the show ends, he’s pounding on the door.

Episode 2: The World Without You

Danny pounds on the wall between him and his body, panicking, and is pulled away by a female ghost (later revealed to be Ember). He’s angry with her, but she points to the guards coming to see what the disruption was about. She tells him he’d never make it through anyway, because he’s not angry enough.

She tells him that she’d never cross over herself, preferring to avoid the madness that comes with breaking through to the human realm, but his case is different. His body is still alive, and, if he returns, he could live again. She asks him what he’d regret if he died now, and Danny talks about his dreams to go to space. It’s not enough, so she attempts to get him angry, but it’s not working. He’s just sad and scared. Finally, she seems to have an idea.

They enter a ghost town and she walks him to an old-style theatre. There is only one movie showing, “The World Without You”. The ghost tells Danny everyone comes here at least once, even though it’s not anything good, but it might help him. She hands Danny his ticket and goes to wait outside. Danny sits down to watch the screen.

We cut to Sam and Tucker. Sam’s trying to text Danny to see what’s taking him so long and Tucker says he’s probably asleep. After an hour, Sam starts to panic, but Tucker points out he had a long day and keeps insisting fell asleep.

Jazz comes down in the morning and finds Danny dead beside the portal. She goes into fix-it mode, refusing to admit he’s dead. Maddie tries to force Jazz away and let the EMTs do their work, Jack looks confused and frightened, and Vlad looks shocked and a bit ill.

The scenes get faster and we see Danny’s community fall apart. Sam blames Tucker for saying it was fine, Tucker points out his death was instant and is sick of taking the blame. Sam runs away and Tucker loses energy for his passions. Jazz is furious with her parents, saying their obsession killed her little brother. Jack becomes obsessed with trying to contact his dead son, leaving Maddie alone to deal with the reality of death.

We cut back to the theatre. Danny sits in an audience of ghosts. All, including Danniy, are crying glowing green ectoplasm. He rushes out and towards the portal. He thanks his guide, and she smiles and tell him to ‘remember he owes her’

The same guards arrive, forcing Danny to fight his way past them. He makes it to the border between realms. Ripping back to reality seems even more violent than the fight, an act of rage against the unfairness of death. He goes to his body and attempts to line himself up with it, muttering hopefully.

There’s a pause and then we hear a strange, sludgy noise that isn’t quite a heartbeat. It speeds up, sounding more like a heart and more like static, building to a frantic roll, then stops again. There’s a single beat, then another, until there’s a strangely slow and shallow, but constant, heartbeat.

Danny’s eyes open with a gasp and glowing green fades to blue.

[ventbloglite]

Any other systems* seen the Inside No.9 episode "Thinking Out Loud"? What did you think of it? You can either just quickly answer the poll, add in a comment or reblog more detailed thoughts, a combination or just ignore it I guess.

*Since this is a story dealing with a character having DID, I ask that only systems and not endoplurals answer. This is a question for those whose disorder is being presented and similar (such as OSDD systems), not for anyone who experiences plurality. Of course I can't stop you so this is here to indicate a certain level of trust.

I personally think it's one of the better portrayals of how DID works and some research was clearly done, and I'm not actually mad that the abuser was killed even though I know 'killer alter' is a stereotype I think overall the viewer is invited to be sympathetic with the system and side with them.

Run down of the episode if you need refreshing or didn't see it:

Inside No.9 is a collection of episodic tales with a variety of genres including comedy, dark, horror, fantasy and serious life events. I was weary when the twist of 'Thinking Out Loud' was that the most prominent character had DID because the way they've dealt in the other episodes with mental illnesses or breaks has been hit and miss at best.

But here's the thing - as we're introduced to the idea of the system existing, the system has done nothing wrong. The plot twist is not 'you did something awful because you're a system and now you must remember it' it's 'you, the host, need to realise that you are part of a system because we're about to be confronted with our abuser again after many years'.

The story, told in parts, is about a woman called Nadia. Nadia witnessed frequent domestic abuse against her mother which ended with said mother being murdered in front of her. Because of this, the system was created. Nadia has no idea all her life that she is a system however, simply aware of 'memory loss'. It seems other members however are somewhat or entirely aware, in particular the Gatekeeper who is not named but speaks and acts like a therapist.

It's the Gatekeeper who encourages Nadia to leave a camera running so she can catch when she switches and start to get to know the system (it seems this system communicates best when speaking out loud and each alter that fronts believes that the camera is there for different reasons, though the Gatekeeper seems to have a strong mental dialogue).

Eventually, as time before the abuser arrives is drawing short, the Gatekeeper abandons her attempts at trying to slowly ease Nadia into acknowledging her trauma and discovering the system and just tells her what is going on. That's how we get the context for the other characters, who are alters in the system. It is also acknowleged that these alters are just the frequent fronters and that there's likely more that the Gatekeeper or anyone else doesn't know about yet.

Nadia - Host, maybe the original. Diana - trauma holder, when she fronts she closes her eyes and sings Amazing Grace as this was what happened during the abuse to block out what was happening. Angel - caretaker, believes she's a vlogger and so does vlogs to the camera, very cheerful and upbeat, puts a positive spin on everything Aiden - protector, Angel's dad, possibly remembers some of the trauma Galen - persecutor, introject of the abuser but isn't a 1 to 1 copy of the abuser, believes himself to be in prison for killing his mother and father but this is his personal memories mixed with what actually happened during the abuse, speaks with a southern drawl and is the only alter with a noticably different accent, is mad that nobody appreciates what he does for the system. (memory of exact roles is a bit fuzzy there's also 'Bill' who makes a dating style video and is an old man but I forget his significance. Also note that the names are anagrams of each other! Most with 'Nadia' and then Angel and Galen. The alters present as different genders, races and ages.)

The story ends with the abuser, fresh from jail, greeting Nadia and being welcomed into her home where Galen fronts and stabs him before Nadia fronts again. The story then ends.

[cemeterything]

So, I really like body horror and horror in general, but I’m also physically and mentally disabled, and I tend to notice a lotta ableist/eugenicist folk flocking to the horror genre. Do you notice that too? Or am I just like, paranoid?

Also, do you have any suggestions for horror movies (especially body horror ones) that AREN’T oozing with Hollywood flavoured ableism? Would really appreciate it bc I’ve been getting so dispassionate about the genre lately thanks to certain kinds of fans.

i don't think you're paranoid, there are definitely people who engage with horror in ways that can have ableist implications and be very upsetting if you actually experience those reactions to your own conditions in real life, because for you it's not just fiction, it's your lived experience. the line between horror and ableism (and other forms of bigotry, like homophobia, transphobia, racism, etc.) can be a very fine one, and it's important for people who enjoy horror to be self aware and willing to listen. and at the same time, there are disabled people (and queer people, and people of color, and people from all kinds of marginalized groups) who find comfort and empowerment in horror and reclaim and make use of it to express their lived experiences. a lot of horror fans are disabled. i'm one of them, you're one of them, and i know there are more than a few on this site and in the world at large, enough to form communities. i'm friends with some of them. it's a complex issue.

the way i see it, you can't control your instinctive reactions to seeing something you're not used to or expecting, which horror often uses to its advantage to shock a response out of you, sometimes with ableist implications. you can, however, become more comfortable through exposure and learn to think critically about and control how you respond outwardly, especially if you're prepared to have those experiences, which in choosing to engage with horror you probably are unless you're being tricked or forced into it. so if you're a horror fan and want to avoid (or minimize) being ableist, take care not to let portrayals of mental and physical disabilities in fiction create misconceptions of what those conditions are actually like in real life. it's horror; it's not usually intended to be an accurate or flattering depiction (and even horror that DOES portray disabilities respectfully will still likely reflect experiences specific to the creator that aren't entirely accurate to actually living with them, because nobody's experiences are completely universal, and it's fiction). use it as an opportunity to learn more. do research, or talk to people if you have anyone willing to share their experiences with you. unpack your fear and sit with it and examine it. try to understand it so you can control it instead of letting it control you. thought crimes aren't real and don't harm anyone, but how you outwardly express yourself is something you can change and improve if you become aware of any issues. horror can help dig up those issues and get you to confront and consider them, and that's worth making use of.

that last part is directed more at horror fans who aren't disabled, but i included it because i hope it might be helpful in making you feel more comfortable and secure that there are ways to engage with horror without being ableist about it, and people who do so. unfortunately i don't have any recommendations because i think that horror is very personal and my ideas of what does or doesn't make good horror might be completely different from yours, so i'm unsure i could provide you with what you're looking for. i hope this was helpful to hear, though.

[lakesbian]

How do you think Alec and Blake would get along? Your choice of the circumstances of their meeting, whether it's Alec being subjected to The Horrors or Blake being subjected to whatever the fuck Bet has going on

okay i know blake well enough to answer this now. if we tossed him in bet there's no feasible way to force him to interact w/ alec so the significantly more fun option is going with the premise of: - alec is teleported into pact around blake's arrival at hillsglade house. he does not get to keep his power :( no tripping people allowed - the above facts aren't actually distressing or confusing to anyone, but other than that everything about alec's history & personality remains identical to in worm - everyone involved is aware that alec is on team blake & rose and he will be treated as such

anyway some really freaky awful shit would happen and alec would just be totally unperturbed about it while blake is shaking sniveling crying so blake and rose would conspiratorially whisper to each other like Okay There's Definitely Something Up With That Boy. Keep An Eye On That Strange Little Teenager. meanwhile alec is cross-legged on the couch cheerfully + obliviously sipping his hot cocoa (unlike blake he is not above powdered cocoa and tapwater in a house where the only other options are oatmeal, beans, or a sad moldy grilled cheese), nose-deep in a book about demons, infrequently sharing what he thinks are Cool Educational Helpful Fun Facts with them (it is the most nightmarish shit they have ever heard. ever).

furthermore it would not take very long for him to think well, i guess i should be a Pragmatic and Communicative Team Player by bringing up the demons so we can all get on the same page. surely, alec vasil says to himself, i can grasp the finer points of the ethical connotations of the matter and open convincing dialogue on this subject! which he would express to blake and rose suchly: "now, hear me out before you guys bite my head off, but would using the demons really be so bad? it's not like people aren't already dying every day, right? the world already sucks, we probably couldn't make it that much worse."

and then he would nod in satisfaction with himself like he just said something intelligent and quite patently true.

which blake and rose would, very understandably, interpret as meaning that there is something deeply wrong with him and if they don't intervene he will rapidly make it literally everyone else's problem. blake would 100% refuse to stop pressing him to swear that he Won't Use The Fucking Demons.

to which alec--a boy severely traumatized by being forced to do horrible things to other people against his will, who would Immediately imagine a Conquest scenario in vivid detail upon being asked to swear off demons--would promptly think "FUCK no, that's Asking For It." but then he would also be like. "even though they're being Dumb and Stupid. i, alec, will bravely nobly and humbly compromise in the interest of keeping the peace and indicating that i don't actually intend to use the demons i was just floating the idea like a totally regular person would." and his genius idea for a compromise to indicate that he didn't really intend to use the demons would be promising not to use the demons [insert alec calculating the maximum amount of time he thinks it can safely be assumed that they won't be forced by some circumstance or other to use the demons here] In The Next Week.

which would result in blake being like SO YOU WANT TO USE THE DEMONS RIGHT AFTER THE WEEK ENDS??? and you get the gist it would be an absolute comedy of alec being a freak and blake and rose furiously trying to keep the freak on a leash. the funniest part is that he really wouldn't use the demons unless there was no other option, he's already tied his own leash to a nearby fence, he's just entirely cavalier about the Idea and subsequently keeps giving blake persistent heart attacks over (relatively) nothing. he would realize pretty quickly that he's coming off wrong and genuinely attempt to course correct so that they'll quit fucking bothering him but he has zero frame of reference for how to make that course correction happen and would thus just be weird in a different direction. i could go on. in fact i Will. this will be an extended posting saga.

[sahonithereadwolf]

I want to hear about the cool new werewolf metaphors and the terror 👀

I think one of the biggest reasons werewolves don't have as easy of a time connecting as a terrifying thing is how far removed cultural whiteness is from nature and the wilderness. Like people have no idea how intimidating a wolf is or what a wolf means. Let alone a wolf with the mind of a man and the compunctions that implies. They see...big dog. People don't want to be scared by the big dog, they want to pet it. There is no respect for the wolf as it's own being let alone a part of nature. The fear of the werewolf lies in two forms. Reminding people that a werewolf is a force of nature. Not in a "this is a tornado with a vendetta" sort of way, but a "this is a living being with agency and a place and surviving, but largely indifferent to your being" way. Like a bear or tiger. A bear or tiger does not care for your morals. It holds no stock to them. it is living by it's own moral standards. By it's nature. And you respect that or you learn the hard way why you should have like every year a collection of tourist who try to have their disney princess moment with a buffalo live for instagram do. The other form is within the metaphor. The werewolf is an inherently sympathetic creature as a person who is also a, well, person, at least some of the time. Most of the time when you see a werewolf it is a stand in for a very human idea of violence in one form or another be it rage, sexualized violence, vengeance. Man giving into the beast. It's often very much cast as masculine for that reason. Toxic masculinity made manifest. Puberty is another big one because you have bodies and hair and sometimes the moon matters. Like it makes sense but I am tired of these and most of them never connect. I think there is room for them. I love seeing what trans artist have made with the idea of a werewolf. I think I would have a lot to say about puberty from a racialized angle and what it's like being seen as a monster and predator at 10. But it's sympathetic and centering a marginalized experience. The terror is experiencing the sympathy for the "monster" and the human reaction to it. And it can be in many forms. Both the lens through which we see that monster and the human reaction to it. I think there is something poetic and sad about the werewolf as an outsider or someone who walks in two worlds. A creature that is so intrinsically social being denied connection to a community, or having to fight for that. I use to write a lot of werewolf fic based off my struggles with PTS. Seeing yourself as a monster that you need to keep under control. But being too afraid of letting go of that monster because you might still need it to survive. How tired and cold it makes you. I just think that if people want to pet the wolf, you make them need it. Understand the wolf on it's own terms and the horrors it sees.