#but this album came out at such a terrible time in my life and reading that was a gut punch. in a good way.

[rebornrosess]

“LIFE ITSELF IS SO UNLIKELY”

DREAMLAND by Glass Animals is 3 YEARS OLD TODAY.

An homage to ‘daves2do’ on their opensource website: a stream of consciousness about the themes dave wanted to explore on their third album.

[bunnliix]

Can't Stay Away from You - Chapter One

First chapter woot woot! This is by far, the longest chapter I've ever written, at over 7k words, and honestly, I hope this is good? It's my first time writing a/b/o, and I'm a little unsure of where this is going exactly, but I hope everyone will have fun on the rollercoaster that this fic is bound to be!

masterlist

word count: 7k

warnings: defintely some angst in here, but lighter angst?, reader is anxious at parts, but like for the most part, there's really not much to warn about I think? Please let me know if I'm wrong or if I need to add anything!

Y/n wasn’t expecting any emails, but when she heard the ding that let her know she had received one, she immediately looked. She never knew when she’d get another freelance job, so whenever an email came in, she developed the habit of checking it. This wasn’t a work email, no, but it was from one of the stores she had recently bought a couple of Stray Kids albums from. From the subject line, it was about the albums she had bought, and a fansign? She doesn’t remember signing up for one, but she also has been so busy, she probably forgot about it.

Opening up the email, she found that she had won a place at an in person fansign in Seoul, in two days. She was so shocked by this news that she held her breath, not thinking this was real for a moment. She read through the email fully, memorizing every word, she really had won, holy shit. She thanked the gods that she didn’t work a physical job, because it meant she could work from anywhere, and she started figuring out her trip to Seoul. There was no way she was missing out on a chance to meet Stray Kids.

She quickly found a plane ticket, even if it was insanely expensive, and she thanked herself for her savings, having to dip into that a bit for this trip. She then moved on to finding a place to stay, and found a nice hotel that wasn’t outrageously expensive, and immediately booked it. She’d be flying out in about seven hours, leaving her to scramble to pack and leave for the airport. Quickly packing her luggage, having a packing list made up from previous trips, she packed clothes for a week, deciding to explore a bit since she was going there. 

Y/n’s travelled enough to have mastered the skill of packing efficiently, gathering everything she needed into 3 pieces of luggage. She double-checked her travel list, making sure she had packed enough for her trip. Before she shoved her laptop and cords into her bag, she sent out an email to her current clients stating that she had an emergency occur, and that her work may be delayed by a day. At this point, it was almost time for her to head to the airport. So, she finished packing the last of her things into her carry-on. Remembering to grab her coat before putting her shoes on, she grabbed her bags and left the apartment. 

She took a taxi to the airport, and on the way there, texted her best friend Emily that she was heading out of the country and asking her to watch over her apartment while she was gone. Emily agreed right away, and told her not to worry about anything. She smiled down at her phone, her bestie was her ride or die, and she was so grateful to have her in her life. 

When she arrived at the airport, she thanked the driver, pulling her luggage out of the trunk and heading straight to the check in counter. The process was smooth and she was quickly on her way to security, which while terribly busy, went by quickly and soon she was sitting at her gate, having grabbed a couple snacks for the plane and filled up her water bottle on the way over there. She had about an hour before boarding, so she pulled out her laptop, deciding to get some work done while she waited. She finished off the last edits to one project, sending that off to one of her clients, before starting on one of her other projects.

Halfway through her second project, the call for boarding went out over the P.A. system, and so she saved her work, slipping her laptop back into her bag before lining up with everyone else. She was lucky enough to get a last minute window seat on the plane, putting her carry-on in the overhead bin, before settling in her seat as she pushed her smaller bag under the seat in front of her. She looked out the window as the plane took off, the start of her journey to Seoul, and meeting Stray Kids, was starting now. Since it was a relatively long flight, she pulled out her laptop once she was able to do so, starting back on the project she worked on earlier. She spent the majority of the flight working on her current workload, which was about four projects at the moment. 

They were all fairly simple projects, they just took time to perfect them, but it was a great way to pass the time. By the time she finished her last project, there was only a couple hours left of the flight, and so she rested and watched the clouds roll by. Y/n admired the view as they landed in Seoul, excited to explore the city. 

Patiently waiting to disembark the plane, she waited until she was able to leave her row, grabbing her bag from the overhead bin and then bringing it down, pulling it behind her as she left the plane. She pulled it along, heading towards the luggage carousel, before she went through customs and immigration, quickly clearing them and heading out into Seoul. She took the metro to head towards her hotel, unpacking her headphones and listening to music to pass the time on the train. Once off the train, she pulled out her phone to find her hotel location, quickly finding her way to the hotel. Thankfully, it was late enough that she could check in right away and head to her room. She took the elevator up, finding her room midway down the hallway, and upon opening the door, found that she had a beautiful view of the city around her. 

She dropped her luggage by the bed, and walked towards the window, admiring her view of the city. She may not be a heights kind of person, but this was still beautiful, and she would be looking out a lot during her week here. She hauled her suitcase up onto the bed, pulling out a fresh outfit, before heading to the bathroom to shower. Once she had, she changed into her fresh outfit, pleased to get the smell of the airplane and airports off of her. Since it was still light out for a while, she decided to get out into the city and explore the neighborhood around her. She packed her smaller bag with the necessities, grabbing her key card on the way out the door and quickly going back down to the lobby and out into the fresh air. 

Y/n knew travelling alone as an omega always brought risks with it, but it was worth it to be here in Seoul, both for the fansign and just in general. It was sunny and warm in Seoul, a great contrast from back home, and she was living for it. She was always a warm weather kinda girl, and the warm air and sunshine here made her thrive. She decided on just walking the area around her, figuring tomorrow would be one of her bigger exploration days. 

She saw a lot of stores that intrigued her, but thought better of shopping, she’d be exhausted much quicker if she gave into that urge. She was glad that she brought her headphones, it helped distract from the loud noises of the city, and brought the level down to a reasonable one she could deal with. The hustle and bustle of the city was normal to her, since her own city was similar, 

Up until now, her omega had been strangely quiet. Usually she was very outspoken, more so than y/n herself was. Her omega was going haywire at the moment, confusing the poor girl as to what set the omega off. She felt almost pulled forward, and her omega pushed to the surface, making her walk faster to wherever that pull was coming from. It culminated in her running into someone, and ended with her on the ground in front of them, looking up at their mask-covered face. 

“Are you alright? I’m sorry that I bumped into you.” The person said as they leaned down, reaching out a hand to her. She tentatively took it, and she stood up with their help. Standing so close to them, she could smell their citrusy sweet scent, it calling to and calming her omega. That confused her slightly, but she shook it off, not wanting to think about it now. 

“I’m okay, and really, I bumped into you. I should be the one apologizing.” She replied.

“Let’s just say we bumped into each other then? We both played a part in this.” They told her, and she could see that they were smiling by the crinkles near their eyes. 

“I can agree to that.” Y/n replied, giggling slightly. 

She saw as the other person took a breath of her scent, and for some reason they stumbled back away from her, their eyes widening. 

“I’ve got to go, I’m sorry.” They said, rushing away from her, leaving her standing there alone on the sidewalk.

She watched him run away, and her omega cried out, and y/n felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Her anxiety shot up, and tears came to her eyes. She’s so confused, she doesn’t completely understand what’s just happened, and why she was so affected by it.

She felt increasingly down as she walked back to her hotel, no longer feeling any urge to explore, just wanting to retreat back into her room and nest. She speed-walked into the hotel elevator, avoiding everyone. Once back in her room, she locked her door and got to work making a nest in the bed, using everything she could. She finished it and then climbed inside, curling up into herself as her omega cried out to someone, for an unknown reason. That, and she couldn’t take her mind off of the person who ran away from her, and everytime she thought of him, it made her chest hurt. 

In the end, she fell asleep, and she dreamed of them again. She had dreams every so often about Stray Kids, and she assumed this was once again, her brain being delusional. She dreamed about going on vacation with them, assumedly in Australia given her surroundings, but she felt that this dream was different. 

She noticed that this time, the member’s touch and reactions felt more real? It felt like these were actually the boys, and not figments of her imagination like they usually did. Their eyes seemed shocked, even as they all enjoyed the dream. They were more touchy with her, Felix especially. She noticed that he looked similar to the person she ran into earlier, but shook it off as her just being delusional again. She enjoyed her dream and found happiness with the boys, as it was just a dream, that’s all.

Waking up the next morning in her makeshift nest, she whined at the lack of someone beside her, having fallen asleep in her dream next to the boys. Her scent smelled like burnt honey and vanilla because of her sadness, but she pushed through, thinking of happy thoughts and how she’d get to see the boys later today. She got up, having to get out of her nest that smelt like sadness. Pulling out an outfit for the fanmeet, she quickly showered before changing, and then moved onto her makeup and hair. She did her makeup like she usually did, leaning more towards a very natural look, knowing if she wore too much, it would be harder to touch up later on.

Before leaving her room, she checked the rules for attending the fansign, and quickly memorized them. She headed back to the bathroom, since one of the rules was wearing scent blockers, and quickly applied them to her scent glands, making sure she covered them fully. The rule had been put into place because of an incident with a second gen girl group fansign years ago, she remembered the aftermath of it very well, despite being young at the time. One of the fans, an alpha, attended the fansign and tried to overwhelm one of the omega members of the group with her scent, and since then, companies have made it mandatory that scent blockers be worn during fansigns. 

Checking her outfit in the mirror once again, she made sure it looked right, fixing anything that was out of place. She had decided on an outfit that reminded her of a mix of Felix and Han’s individual styles, but had blended them together in her outfit. Plus, it was really comfy, and knowing she had a long day in front of her, she didn’t want to be stuck in something uncomfortable. She grabbed her bag, setting out for the day. She planned to explore and see some tourist sights first, before the fansign, since it wasn’t starting for a couple hours from then. 

She mostly wandered as she wanted, not having a specific destination in mind. She found herself wandering a market and buying some snacks along the way. Everything she bought tasted better than the prior snacks, and she had to leave the market in a hurry lest she get distracted. To her benefit, however, this passed enough time that she almost had to run to make it to the fansign venue.

She made it there in under 20 minutes, and hopped in line with everyone else, having brought her ID, and had the email that she won as well. Checking in was a simple process for the most part, however the ID checking part was the most tedious. Once that was finished and they confirmed that she was who she said she was and that she was allowed entry, she was quickly shuffled into the hall where the fansign took place. 

Y/n found herself about midway between the front and back of the hall, and almost straight in the middle of her row. She greeted the girls next to her, making small talk with them as much as she was able to with her limited knowledge of Korean. They mostly talked about their favorite members and songs, and whose outfits they liked the most in this recent comeback. Y/n enjoyed chatting with the other girls, and a couple more of the ones around them joined in as well, and just before the boys walked out, they had created a small group chat, adding each other on kakaotalk. 

The minute the boys walked out on the stage, all eyes were on them, and the cheers were almost deafening. Despite it only being a small fraction of the number of people at a concert, it was as loud as a concert. Yet it only took Bang Chan raising his hand for the crowd of fans to fall silent. 

“Hello everyone!” He said, waving to the room. He and the boys quickly introduced themselves and did their “Step out” intro as they always do. They took the first part of the fanmeet to goof around on stage, playing around with some of the items laid out for them by staff. 

During this, y/n couldn’t keep her eyes off of them, feeling almost a pulling sensation in her chest, and a need to keep an eye on the boys. She ignored the pulling feeling, trying to enjoy the fansign and commit this all to memory. She soaked in the atmosphere, the joy that radiated around the room, from the fans and the idols. It filled her with happiness, the feeling almost bursting out of her chest. 

It wasn’t long before they boys had moved onto the signing part of the fansign. She watched as each row of fans lined up to meet the idol group, going down the line one by one, and the smiles on the boys’ faces made her smile too. It made her happy to see them happy, and she knew the girls around her felt the same way. Her hand was tapped as a girl in the row ahead of her asked her to record her interactions with the boys, and she readily agreed. Once that girl was up on stage, she zoomed in and recorded her interaction with the eight idols. In return, once it was her turn to line up with her album to meet the boys, the other girl offered to record her going down the line and talking with the boys, to which she quickly thanked her for offering and y/n handed her her phone. She lined up on the side of the stage, nervousness growing as there were only a few girls still in between her and Changbin, the first of the eight boys she’d meet today. 

Soon, she sat in the chair in front of the rapper, smiling at him as she said hello, shaking slightly due to her nerves.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you!” She told him, smile as bright as the sun.

“Ahh, nice to meet you too!” He said, taking her album as she handed it to him, opening to one of his pages. “Where are you from?” He asked, noticing her nerves and the slight shake to her body, determined to get her less nervous.

“I’m from Canada. I flew here and arrived yesterday afternoon.” Y/n told him.

“Oh wow! Really? That’s so far away!” He was surprised she flew that far for their fansign, he even applauded her for it, to which she shied away, hiding her face.

“No, no hiding!” He teased her, and she slowly pulled her hands away, looking at him with red cheeks.

“Is it cold back in Canada?” Changbin asked.

“It’s not too bad, I guess? But I prefer it here where it’s warm and sunny.” She told him, replying to his question.

“Ohhh, you like warm.” He said, English skills finally breaking down a bit.

“I love the warmth. I’m always too cold, see?” She said to him, showing her hands which were slightly pink at the tips. 

He grabbed her hands gently, rubbing them to try and warm them up. He knew it was chilly in there, but not to where one of their fans was becoming very cold. He was so concerned for her, almost abnormally so, but he chalked it up to just caring for their stays.

“Oh no, you’re so cold! It’s too cold here.” He said after rubbing her hands for a couple moments.

“Oh no, it’s okay, Changbin-oppa. My fingers and toes are always like this, no matter how warm it is. Just my body being bad, that’s all.” She corrected him gently, wanting to ensure he knew it wasn’t the room, it was just her. 

And sadly, that is where her time with the rapper ended, with her being moved onto the next man, who was the Hwang Hyunjin, who was waiting for her to move down in front of him, which made her blush intensify. 

“Hello Hyunjin!” She said, voice a little on the higher side.

“Hello, Stay!” He said, smiling at her. “What’s your name?” He asked as he received her album, moving to sign one of his pages that she had marked. 

“My name is y/n! And we’re born in the same year, Hyunjin-ssi.” She informed him, slightly swaying in order to calm herself.

“Oh? We are? That’s amazing! What month?” He further questioned her, a slight surprise showing on his face. 

“I’m a September baby, so I’m younger than you by a couple months.” She said, watching him sign her album.

He looked back up at her, his beauty was ethereal, and it took her breath away to see him this close up. He reached out to grab her hands, both of them pulling away slightly and flinching at the zap of electricity. It couldn’t have been more than static electricity, but it felt almost like a connection of sorts. Both of them waved it off, not thinking much of it, but inside, their beta and omega knew what had just happened, and were berating them for ignoring it.

“Your name is really pretty, I forgot to tell you.” He said earnestly, his eyes feeling like they were staring right into her soul, and she could see so many emotions floating around in those captivating eyes. She couldn't keep eye contact with him and looked away, down at her lap to avoid his gaze.

“Thank you, Hyunjin-ssi.” She said, still unable to look him in the eyes.

“Stay doesn’t have to use -ssi, call me Hyunjin, please?” He begged her, leaning down on the table to try and get her attention, to which she looked up at him, giggling at his position.

“What are you doing?” She said between giggles.

“I just wanted-” He started, but was interrupted by staff ushering her to move onto the next member, to Hyunjin’s dismay. He wanted to talk with her all day.

Seungmin was next, and his gentle smile caused her to continue to smile in return, her smile not dimming, but becoming softer.

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you.” He said, much calmer than the others, but you could see that he was just as excited to meet their fans as the other boys were. 

“Hello Seungmin, it’s nice to meet you too.” She said, telling him her name afterwards, so that he had a name to sign the album with. 

They made small talk as he signed, and then continued on afterwards. Y/n told him how far she travelled to be here today, and then expanded on her home as Seungmin asked her more questions about where she was from. She tells him that no matter how long the journey was, she wouldn’t have missed being here, and missing the chance to talk to them, for anything else in the world. 

To this, his face is filled with awe and wonder, always surprised at what lengths their fans go to in order to see them live or to meet them. She then talks about what she loves about him, and how she enjoys seeing his interactions with the other boys, and how his voice is angelic. She just about showers him in compliments, until her time with the vocalracha member is up.

He waves goodbye to her and hands her album onto Jeongin, who’s next in line. He smiled at her as she slid over into the chair in front of the maknae, who, having heard her name from when she told his fellow member, quickly signed her album, before reaching out to grab her hands, squeezing them. This shocked y/n slightly, not expecting how intense the maknae was right then and there. He however, just felt drawn to her, like a moth to a flame, and wanted to be in contact with her. His alpha encouraged his actions, and the man himself didn’t question his alpha, and just continued looking at her with a smile on his face. 

“Hi, Stay!” He said excitedly, to which y/n replied back, asking how he was doing.

“I’m doing better now that I get to talk to you.” He answered her, winking at the end and slightly flirting, to which he got lightly smacked by Minho. 

Y/n wasn't faring well with the intense nature of the supposed “baby bread” youngest member, and it clearly showed on her face, which was turning, in Jeongin’s eyes, a lovely shade of pink, and her eyes were wide as she stared at him.

“You look so cute, Stay.” He complimented her, to which she blushed harder. His grin grew as he watched her blush intensify, and to which his alpha almost purred in contentment. 

He continued teasing her, to which her responses were almost nonsensical, until the staff member became her savior by telling Jeongin that she had to move to the next member. Minho, being impatient, grabbed her hands from his fellow member and pulled her over to the chair in front of his space at the table, grabbing her album afterwards. Jeongin pouted at his hyung’s actions, watching you move over to the next chair. He only stopped overtly watching her when the next Stay sat down in front of him, his attention turning to them.

“Hello Lino!” Y/n said, a smile still stuck on her face.

“Hello Stay.” He said, shaking their hands as he had yet to let go. “Do you have any pets?” He asked, finally but almost reluctantly pulling his hands away so he could sign her album.

“I do! I have a bunny, named Jack.” She told him, telling him how she got him, and about all of her bunny’s little quirks. 

He stopped signing her album just to look up at her and watch her talk. He was oddly drawn to her, and observed her as she talked. Her smile was extraordinary and how he wanted to never see her smile fade away, he felt pulled in by her, and he knew it wasn’t her scent, it couldn’t have been since he could see the scent blockers on her skin. But she almost called out to him, to his alpha. He internally questioned if there was something more to that feeling or if it was only just because she was similar to his omegas, to Jisung and Felix. Her outfit clearly took inspiration from them, and she seemed similar in personality, so maybe that was the culprit behind this pull he was feeling.

He realized that he hadn’t finished signing her album, and hurried to do so as he lightly chatted with her, mostly about their own pets and how troublesome they were at times. Sadly, that came to an end when she was pointed to move onto the next idol, who happened to be Felix. 

The Australian man looked at her, having the silent realization that this was the girl he ran into the day prior, and did his best to push what happened out of his mind, since he hadn’t told anyone what had happened, and from the lack of reaction on her part, she didn’t know that they had met yesterday.

“Hello Felix!” She said, smiling from ear to ear at meeting her almost birthday twin.

“Hello! How are you? Also, your outfit is so cute! I love it!” He replied, a grin on his face.

“I’m well, and I’m very excited to be here!” She told him, her cheeks hurting as she had smiled since meeting Changbin. “Thank you! I tried to combine your and Han’s styles, and I hope I was able to do both your styles justice.” She explained.

“You did! So, how old are you?” He questioned, taking the time to sign her album.

“I’m your age, actually.” She confessed, as he looked up in slight shock.

“Wow, really?” He said. 

“Yup! Actually you and I aren’t too far apart in age, birthday wise. I share a birthday with one of your members.” She replied.

“Wait, that means-” He started, before she interrupted him.

“Yeah, I do have a birthday twin within your group.” She giggled and nodded as she confirmed his thoughts.

“Oh wow! That’s so cool!” He told her.

“Yeah, it’s what made me a Stay actually. Well, and your Miroh era.” She confessed to him, blushing slightly.

They continued chatting, with Felix inquiring more about her life, and how long she’s been into K-pop among other things. Felix’s omega was practically purring at having this pretty girl’s attention only on him, plus that they got to see her again after Felix stupidly ran away yesterday.

Meanwhile, next to Felix, Minho was trying to concentrate on the Stay in front of him, but his mind and eyes kept wandering over to y/n and Felix. He couldn’t help but listen in on their conversation as he tried to keep chatting with the fan in front of him. That pull in his chest still hadn’t disappeared, and he kept questioning what exactly was drawing him to you. His alpha, however, knew exactly what was happening and was very happy about it, Minho could tell that much. His alpha kept talking about how Felix and the girl got along so well, and look how pretty they both were, and ‘Wouldn’t they look pretty together in their nest?’ Minho had to physically force himself to look away from the two of them, and push to only focus on the Stay in front of him.

During this, the two people who were the subject of Minho’s thoughts and glances were saddened when staff told them it was time for y/n to move on. Felix grabbed her hand, pleading with her not to go, to the girl’s laughter and her insistence that she must move on, to Han finally interjecting and reaching out for her hand and pulling her to the next chair. 

“I heard you had a birthday twin in Stray Kids?” He inquired immediately, wanting to know.

“Hello Han. Yes I do.” She giggled at his impatience. “I’m birthday twins with you, actually. Down to the year.” She told him. 

Hell yeah!” He exclaimed as Felix overheard, the Aussie pouting at how close he was to sharing a birthday. 

Y/n saw Felix’s pout, and giggled as she looked over at him. He saw her giggling and playfully glared at her, only making her giggle more, which Han did as well when he saw what was making the girl in front of him giggle. 

Han quickly signed his page in the album, before focusing all his attention on the girl in front of him. He wanted to know more about his birthday twin, and to learn if they had anything else in common. They did have quite a few things in common, their style being one of those things, anxiety was a second, and they also had quite similar personalities. This made the quokka a very happy man, and his omega wanted to steal the Stay away and keep them and Han was agreeable with that notion. A birthday twin to share the fun with? Yes please.

They joked about how maybe this was fate, and maybe this was why she was drawn to the group in the first place, with y/n admitting that their shared birthday is what made her interested in the first place. Han smiled, with a blush on his face at that confession. That she had found the group and gotten interested because of Felix, but was more interested that they both shared a birthday. Plus, she won the chance to be here and meet them, which was even more amazing.

As engrossed as they both were in their conversation, Chan finally leaned over and interrupted them, to inform her that it was their turn to chat. Han grabbed her hand, shaking them as he thanked her for coming and talking with him, and that she’d have to remember to wish him a happy birthday when their birthday came, to which she promised she would. She reluctantly let go of his hands, and moved over to sit in front of Chan, realizing that her time with the boys would end shortly. 

“Hello there, sorry to interrupt your fun with Hannie.” He apologized, looking truly sorry to have stopped their conversation. He truly was sad that he had to do so, they loved their fans, and Jisung looked so happy as he chatted with her, and his alpha almost screamed his content at how happy this girl had made his members. 

“It’s okay, I understand, don’t worry Chan.” She told him, understanding clearly heard in her voice.

He smiled at how understanding she was, starting up a conversation with her about what she was going to do while in Seoul. Inside, his alpha was trying to gain control over him, an overwhelming need coming over him to grab her and scent her, rules be damned. He wasn’t alone in this feeling, as y/n had been feeling a pull this entire time as she went down the line, but it was stronger right in front of the leader of the group, and her omega wanted nothing more than to sink into this man’s arms right here and now. She shook off her omega while he pushed away those feelings, one thinking it was just her being delusional and having read too much fanfic, while the other just chalked it up to his alpha reacting to the fact that it was a pretty girl in front of him right now. 

They continued their chat like neither of them were experiencing anything, and she asked him about places to visit in Australia should she ever get to visit, and he turned it on her and asked about places to visit in Canada when they get the chance to travel there. Both parties enjoyed the conversation, almost feeling as if they were just two friends chatting, instead of idol and fan. They talked about animals as well, both of them gushing about their own animals and telling a couple of funny stories about them.

At last, y/n’s time with the boys was finally over, and it was at this point Chan realized he had never signed her album. Signaling to the staff to let him sign the album quickly before she had to leave, he did so. On a whim, and what he swears was his alpha’s idea, and not fully his, under his signature, he added his number. Quickly closing the book, he handed it to her, and waved to her as she left the stage and returned to her seat, focusing on the next fan to sit in front of him.

Y/n returned to her seat, feeling saddened after leaving the stage and the boys. She shrugged it off, just like she had with the rest of the odd feelings she’s had today and yesterday. After she got back to her seat, one of the girls in the row behind her that she had made friends with, asked her to film her meetings with the boys, and she agreed. After that, the girl in the row in front of her that filmed her interactions handed her phone back, and y/n thanked her for filming as the other girl waved off her thank yous. 

Soon enough, it was the girl behind her turn to chat with the boys, and y/n started filming as she went up on stage. She noticed during her filming, that the boys glanced up in her direction a couple times, or at least her general direction, she doubted their gaze was on her specifically. She dutifully continued filming, trying to get the best video she could for the girl.

Y/n was wrong about the boys not looking right in the crowd for her. They really couldn’t help themselves, looking at her when she didn’t notice, and every time they had the chance. They had never felt so pulled towards someone like this, not since they all found each other. Y/n was feeling the same way, it almost felt like there was a rope between her and the boys, and it was trying to pull her in closer. She once again brushed it off as wishful thinking, and maybe her delusions of wanting the boys to notice her, as every Stay did. Plus, she probably just enjoyed talking to them so much that she wanted to talk with them again. 

Finally, the girl she was filming for left the stage, and y/n ended the recording, handing the phone back to her once the other girl returned to her seat. She watched as the final rows got their chance to see and talk with the boys, and once everyone was back in their seats, the boys came out from behind the tables, and started goofing off again. There was a portion set aside for photos of the boys, and of course they were absolutely adorable during it. And then they decided a couple dance relays of S-Class were in order, and a part switch dance to S-Class as well, which went as well as anyone could expect. A.k.a, it was a bit of a disaster, with the boys not knowing each other's places nearly as well as they knew their own. Though, we did get to see Felix do Minho’s parts, which was amazing and everyone in the room loved it. 

Before anyone knew it, the fansign was coming to an end, with the boys sadly saying goodbye to the fans. Y/n didn’t want it to end, but as they were ushered back out of the room after the boys had left the stage, she reluctantly left. She was in tears leaving the building, and felt a great sadness at leaving, and so did her omega. She wasn’t quite sure why she reacted so heavily, but as she walked back to the hotel, her emotions only grew. Because of this, she sped up her pace, wanting to disappear into her hotel room and cry in private, not wanting others to see her like this. 

Once she was back in her hotel room, she locked the door, immediately taking off her shoes and any accessories, before crawling into her makeshift nest that still smelt of sadness from that morning. She let herself fall apart, crying as she curled into a ball. She wasn’t sure why she was so sad, she really wasn’t sure, but she could feel that her omega was really hurting. She cried herself to sleep, falling into a nightmare, where it was the opposite of her dream from the night before. The boys were the opposite of their sweet selves, and were hurling anything and everything negative about herself at her, and all she could do was sit there and cry as they did so.

Being shocked out of her nightmare, she sat up as she woke up, her chest heaving as she tried to regulate her breathing. She managed to do so after a couple of minutes, and trying to get her mind off of how hurtful her nightmare was, she reached for her phone.

She found the video of her interactions with the boys, and started watching it. As she watched it, she realized just how different her interactions with the boys were from the ones she had filmed for others and watched herself. They seemed much more intimate in a way, with how touchy a lot of the boys were with her. They were so much more emotive and interactive with her, it felt a little abnormal after the fact. She must have been so happy to meet them that none of it felt off to her, and really looking back, it still didn’t feel too odd, just a bit more intimate than the other fans’ interactions. She wondered why she was so different, and why her, over everyone else. 

This pushed her to look through her album, and she stopped at Chan’s signature. Underneath his name, there was a number, along with a short message to text him. This had to be a joke, there was no way she was living the y/n life right now. She felt as if she had stepped into a fanfiction, because why else would Bang fucking Chan have given her, out of all people, his number?

She decided to fuck it and texted the number he gave her, and he almost immediately responds.

‘Who are you?’ He demanded.

‘I’m y/n, you gave me this number in my album that you signed today.’ She replied.

‘What did we talk about today then?’ He asked her.

‘A little bit of everything, honestly, but we did talk about our pets. You talked about Berry, and I talked about my bunny Jack and how troublesome he is.’ Y/n told him. 

She also decided to send him a picture of herself, holding open his page of the album as she sat next to a clock to prove the time. Chan believed her, and told her as such. She then asks him why he decided to give her his number.

‘I watched your actions with the others and myself, and something about you and all of our interactions intrigued me. I felt there was something more to it all, and wanted to get to know you better.’ He explained, to which she was relieved it wasn’t a trick, but was also confused about how she intrigued him. She voiced those thoughts and to which he reassured her that he wasn’t tricking her, nor should she be confused about how she was interesting to him, because he honestly found her interesting from the start of their conversation at the fanmeet.

He further explained that the other members had no idea about what he had done, and he hadn’t planned on saying anything to them, unless y/n had reached out and told him it was okay to do so. Though that didn’t stop them from discussing her in the vans on the way back to the dorm, nor did it stop their discussion from spilling over into their group chat. He told her as much, and she was surprised to have made that much of an impression on them. Chan reassured her that their interactions with her were very memorable, from what he could gleam from the others’ conversations. What he didn’t tell her was that Minho had noticed Chan’s behavior, and signaled to the pack alpha that they would be talking after they arrived back at the dorm. 

Soon enough the boys arrived back at the dorm, and the leader had to say goodbye for now to y/n, Minho staring him down as they walked into the building and then the elevator. The other alpha grabbed his hand as soon as the elevator doors opened, and led him through the front door of the apartment, and straight to the Aussie man’s room.

“Who are you texting? And why am I sure it’s that girl from the fansign?” Minho interrogated him, not leaving him a second to talk. 

“You’re not wrong. I gave her my number.” Chan confessed.

Taglist: open!

[sexy-n-stressed]

Deck the halls (Conner Kent X Male Reader one shot)

A/N: Hi everyone, so, this will be my first post on writing Tumblr, and a bit of a pivot for me. I have a history of writing fanfiction, but have decided to start writing one-shots (and smut….soon…) as I am terrible at committing to full-length stories. This is just a quick story, which I'm planning to follow up with in the next part. Also, it's Christmas for me today so yay fluffy Christmas?

Also, most if not all of my stories will be male readers, as I am a male and want to make stories for people like me who have struggled to find stories like this with male representation. That being said, all gender identities are allowed to interact with my stories, and I may accept female reader requests. So fire away!

Please send me story requests, and follow and comment so I know you're reading! Thank you!

Side note, in my version of things, Conner’s introduction happens like that of young justice but a fair bit later, meaning Dick Grayson is grown etc while Conner is still freshly….minted?

————————————————————

Christmas was a time of snow, cheesy movies and overplayed sellout Christmas albums. And, as Y/N would find out, boys. Specifically Conner Kent.

The holiday had started innocently, with the newest adopted son of Bruce Wayne being invited along to a combined lunch with the Kent family, which was also apparently the family of Superman. Being adopted into a wealthy socialite family was one thing, especially after bouncing around the foster system among families in the Narrows, Gotham's seedy underbelly. Being adopted into the Batfamily was something else entirely.

With the whole new host of Vigilante siblings and father, came an immense amount of pressure to live up to the moral standard they had set. Between attending Galas, etiquette training, crime fighting and fitting into a family of ‘misfit’ angsty superheroes, the chances of failure kept building and it was obvious that everything was doomed to come crashing down.

Lately, you had been missing training sessions, forgetting to show up for the rich socialite events Bruce was forced to attend, even the ones in your own home, which was more of a haunted house anyway.

It was obvious that Bruce was less than happy, disappointed even in your behaviour, though he wouldn't voice it. Having just been adopted into the family meant that everyone was still walking on eggshells around you, not paying you much mind when you both were and weren't present, only engaging in simple small talk. It wasn't necessarily their fault, you had made no real effort to reach out or connect. A side effect of an unstable home life you guessed.

Arriving at the Kent family farm was like a deep breath. There were no looming crystal chandeliers, no extravagant staircases or dining tables and absolutely no overbearing elitists. You felt free among the cutesy knick-knacks and homemade furniture.

“Welcome!” A warm voice beamed as the thick oak door creaked open, laced with a typical southern drawl one would expect around these parts. The voice belonged to Clark’s mother, or ma as she liked to be called. A southern thing you assumed.

As greetings and gifts between the two initially standoffish families took place, a firm hand was pointed in your direction. Quickly shaking it, you remembered to force eye contact with Clark, or, Mr.Kent as you would confusingly call both him and his father for the rest of the gathering, regardless of any request to “Please, call me Clark”

The sturdy man emitted a soothing warmth, both from his comforting personality and from the literal solar warmth the man contained, powering his God-like abilities. It may have been snowing, but the Kent’s felt like a warm sunburst in the backdrop of a picturesque photograph.

Clark made a comment about speaking to you more later in the evening, most likely welcoming you into the family and wider network of connections Bruce held, and swept away to greet his other guests while preparing the most likely gargantuan amount of food about to be consumed.

Eyes sweeping the room, you looked for somebody to strike up a conversation with, both to follow the etiquette training rules of sociability and to escape an awkward, overbearing conversation with the more intense few present, such as Ma Kent. While you held absolutely nothing against the woman, her booming laugh and exaggerated body movements made you almost queasy with nerves.

You weren't waiting long though, as the boy you guessed to be Conner Kent, who you had been told not to ask about his relation to the Kents for some reason, dropped a cartoonishly large crate of apples behind you, with the stragglers rolling off into every direction.

Dropping to the floor, you began helping the boy gather the fallen produce, heaving armfuls of the crisp red apples back into the crate.

He seemed mad, muttering words you assumed to be swears under his breath as he practically threw the apples back into the crate, bruising them.

“At least it wasn’t eggs?” You awkwardly interjected. He stared at you silently, for what felt like an hour, before lightly chuckling.

“What?” The boy stared blankly at you, seemingly not understanding the joke.

“Well because if it was eggs then they would… break, y’know?”

“Oh!” He burst into laughter at the explanation, somehow enjoying the joke.

Still laughing, he stood up, brushing off his knees before extending a hand towards you. “I'm, uh, Conner..”

He subtly cringed as he spoke, stopping himself from saying the word Kent. You understood that all too well, not feeling right calling yourself a Wayne.

“I'm Y/N…” Your avoidance of the word Wayne seemed to strike a cord within him, and the two of you felt instantly closer. Shaking hands with Conner was like playing a thumb war with a gorilla. He seemed to force himself to subdue the intense Kryptonian strength he possessed.

“Thank you for your help” Conner spoke, standing uncomfortably in a way that suggested he was unfamiliar with social interaction. You, on the other hand, were just uncomfortable with it.

“You’re welcome.” came the awkward reply. “Need a hand with that?” gesturing towards the large apple crate. Did you seriously just ask a Kryptonian if they needed help lifting something? You were already blowing this lunch.

“Why would I need a hand? I have two” Conner confusedly responded, looking down at his hands to confirm he did, in fact, have both.

“No, like, help lifting that.” You once again pointed to the apple crate.

“Oh,” He sounded dejected, clearly upset with himself for misinterpreting that.

“No, no it's my fault. That didn't make any sense” you quickly spoke, moving towards Conner and beginning to lift the crate, to which he effortlessly heaved it into the air. You would feel embarrassed if the endearing tensing of his back and arm muscles wasn't completely distracting you.

The two of you walked the crate to the kitchen, as Ma gleefully rubbed her hands together while mumbling about making apple pie better than someone named Dolores ever could. The murderous glint in her eye told you she was not playing about her apple pie.

“Ma really likes her apple pie” Conner explained as you exited the kitchen. He stopped, before turning to you with an excited look.

“Would you like to see my room?”

A/N: Y/N may have W rizz. Also, the formatting of Tumblr is new to me, so if there is anything annoying with how this is laid out, let me know! Pease send Requests too! I'm excited to see what comes in!

[thequietkid-moonie]

Ok but: Estúpido Cupido (written by Celly Campello, don't mistake it for her album although it has really great songs as well) with Loid

Fake dating a unpredictable and carefree reader

[ HEADCANONS ] [ Loid Forger ]

[ Spy x Family ]

› Song that inspired this [ Estúpido Cupido - Celly Campello ]

× In this fic you take Yor's place

I really liked the song, I really loved the rhythm, I almost start dancing 🤭 I read the lyrics before hearing the song and it fits really well the rhythm!!

Well my dear, I hope you like this as much as I did ❤️ (i hope I don't disappoint you with the idea I had)

One day you were just walking down the streets as usual when you end up bumping into a handsome gentleman, he was so kind and polite and you couldn't stop yourself and end up talking to him more than you thought, even getting the opportunity to meet his little daughter, who looks at you curiosily but doesn't leave her father's side

In one moment of the conversation the man asked you if you could be so kind to do him a favor and impersonate his spouse, embarrassed but determinanted explaining that the last wish of his deceased wife was to give the best education to her beloved daughter on Eden Academy but he won't be able to do it if he was all alone, maybe was because of how endearing was his determinantion or maybe it was just pity, but for whatever reason you accepted helping him with this (also, it could help you cover up your terrible love life)

That way you two started living together, playing the role of a beautiful and happy marriage couple, however non of you would guess what it will become your life together. As well, both of you had to get used to each other in little time, at least enough until the interview with the directors of the school came

For you it was funny all the preparation Loid wanted to have for the interview, making a lot of efforts for this to work and you couldn't help but laugh at his plan, he was thinking that you probably weren't taking this seriously and that he will have to carry it from the most part himself but you truly surprised him when in the interview you remember most of the things he had told you and even tried to help Anya when she forgot, he even can see how irritated you were by one of the men that were being specially pushy with you but you tried to keep the facade

After the interview, once in house the atmosphere was very tense but you break the silence finally expressing how disgusting and irritating that bitter man was and started saying that you were sure that Anya would be able to enter on that school even if you have to force it, it was obvious that you were just trying to cheer them up, what started to work, specially with Anya, and Loid can't help but smile at your attitude

From that day his life become a pretty messy caos full of surprises, Loid was used to adapt to all the situation and act conform to them but your carefree and sometimes cheerful attitude was something that always manage to surprised him, it was something that stressed him at first not knowing how to handle it but as the time pass he just started to learn to follow your lead and even trust you more (and yet you always manage to surprise him sometimes)

He get used to you doing what you want or saying what is on your mind without worring much but that doesn't stop him from worring and getting taken aback, like that time when you spent some time looking at him pretty wary, he was troubled thinking if he had done something suspicious or make you doubt him until you finally tell him what was in your mind, out of the blue without any kind of warning you just tell him that he was too perfect like if it was something bad, you were even wondering how the hell he was single before meeting him, he was dumbfounded but before he could say anything you clarified that you weren't complaining with a smile before going away without giving him the chance to say something

Loid is constantly wondering what you will do next, he doesn't really know what to expect when you had suprised him with all kind of things, with compliments out of the blue (ones that related to his person and not like the spy, ones that he isn't used to), with being more perceptive that he thought before or even just taking things like normal and don't make a big deal out of them (even when he had thought on a million of excuses to explain himself), there are some times when you ask him if you two shouldn't being doing things that couples normally do like dates and other times you just become affectionate out of the blue (like taking his hand so casually)

Coming home to see you and Anya becomes almost like a playful what to guess what he would find, some days he find you doing chores or even making dinner, other days he had came home to see you and Anya playing to be spies around the house, others days you are just passing a more calm time with Anya on the couch, and yet not matter what he find he is never disappointed

After a while Loid start to feel expectant of what little adventures he will have with you and Anya, he start to feel excited even over the days the three of you just have time to relax and yet Loid doesn't allow himself to admit it, he always repeat to himself that is for the mission and that he has to be ready to whatever you will do, he can't let himself get surprised by you, but as much as he tries to prepare himself and be ready so you don't surprise him you always manage to find ways to do it, you can easily flustered him or make him feel so comfortable and relaxed that he just forget for a moment about the mission

Loid tried to deny it and tell himself that this is all for the mission but deep down he is always happy to see you, his heart beat faster with amusment every time you surprised him, and he will never accept it out loud but almost every time he smiles at you and Anya his smiles is sincere and full of love

[sitp-recs]

Hidden Gems: Special Edition

5 7 underrated works by @skeptiquewrites

It’s been ages since I did a Hidden Gems post so I’m probably a bit rusty but I thought this was the perfect way to celebrate our dear Tee. I’ve loved her work ever since the first fic I came across, and I am over the moon that she was the first fandom friend I was lucky to meet in person earlier this month! We immediately hit it off and had the BEST time around - dinner at a cute Vietnamese place, a walk along the canal, ice cream treats while talking fandom & life. A perfect date night that could have been pulled out from one of her fabulous summery fics if you ask me 😌

It was even harder to choose how to celebrate her birthday having met such a lovely person - after many single recs and lists I was like “what else is there???” But after some thinking with the help of my partner in crime @sweet-s0rr0w I came up with the idea of boosting some of my favourite hidden gems by Tee, fics that I don’t see recced often but deserve all the attention and buzz. They will tug at your heartstrings and make you fall even more in love - not only with Drarry but with summer aesthetics, its endless possibilities, and with Tee’s quiet, charming, elegant, wistful and seductive writing.

These are all shorts but each perfectly placed word and well executed plot contain new and unique universes. Each clever line and lush dose of mutual want - either followed by delicious smut or equally sexy doses of quiet intimacy - fill me with different but wonderful emotions. I think the banner pic translates very well one of the best feelings I experience reading her fics: how special it is to celebrate the little things, how powerful yet vulnerable we are when facing the inevitability of falling in love, how one magical second spent on summer nights, as fleeting and removed from our traditional sense of time and space as they might be, can last forever. I hope the fics and quotes I selected below give you a tiny taste of the magic contained in each one of her short, brilliant love stories. Happiest of birthdays, my dear friend! ♥️

⌛️ light that covers us (T, 117 words)

Lovers in dangerous line of work.

"Always on borrowed time," a singer croons in the background. Draco turns up the Wireless. “God, I hate that song."

🗓️ Four Seasons (M, 2k)

A romance in four seasons.

There was something lovely about being out of excuses, Harry thought. Everything was possible. "What are you in it for, then?" Harry asked as they crossed the threshold.

🌊 On The Shore (T, 3k)

Draco takes up wild swimming. Harry joins him.

Harry turns his face towards the sun and he doesn’t quite smile, but there is something content in his expression that makes Draco a little more willing to share this place.

🎸 Lights Down Low (T, 4k)

“Will we ever learn? We’ve been here before.” Recording the Hallows' fifth album with Draco brings up the past in a way Harry’s never expected.

The music’s a little wistful, haunting even with no words, recorded in the middle of the night. Harry has done this dozens of times before and for other people. There is no way he has forgotten how to write a song.

🎇 No Distance (E, 5k)

Harry doesn’t believe in resolutions, because a new year doesn’t mean feeling any different. But something feels possible, meeting Draco again in Zurich. The past is the past, but the future can be different. Sequel to Nothing Left to Burn.

“Poor thing,” Draco responds and presses his lips to the back of Harry’s hand. It's a little mocking, but Harry's heart hasn’t taken the memo.

Bonus 1: fresh out of Bodice Ripper!

🎤 The Real Thing (M, 5k)

Harry only means to cheer Draco up after a terrible breakup. He doesn't mean to fall in love.

“I don’t know that he cared what I wanted. I don’t know if he knew what I wanted.” Harry wanted to ask Draco what he wanted, the exact contours of what might please him and how.

Bonus 2: Femslash!

🧣She Was Pretty (E, 4k) - Lavender/Parvati

In the aftermath of the war, Lavender Brown rediscovers herself in a tiny flat above her Diagon Alley tea shop. Parvati helps.

Her mother offers her pity mostly, raw and cloying. But there is love there too. She clucks at her the second day Lavender is home after a month spent in hospital. “They didn’t braid your hair tight enough, Lavvy. Come here.”

[booksandabeer]

Catching up

I got tagged approximately one million years ago by @burberrycanary 💙 and @somanywords 💛. Sorry it took me so long! 😬

Last song: I don't know the exact song, but I've been listening to the album Cat Power Sings Dylan: The 1966 Royal Albert Hall Concert a lot. I'm not a particuarly big fan of Bob Dylan, or a fan at all, really. However, I am absolutely a die-hard fan of Cat Power and I think that Chan Marshall is probably the best cover artist of...all time? Well, certainly of her generation. That's not to shade her original compositions, which I also love, but she's brilliant at taking songs that you thought you could no longer listen to because they've been played ad nauseam everywhere for decades, and then teasing something fresh and original and truly moving out of them. Listen to her covers of "I'll Be Seeing You" or "Mr. Tambourine Man" or even "New York, New York" and tell me they don't excite you in any way (if they don't, I suspect you have no soul). She's even great at covering herself! Please go and listen to her 2008 cover of her own 1998 song "Metal Heart" right now. It's one of my all-time faves and also, yes absolutely a Stucky song.

Relationship status: I have a person.

Sweet/spicy/savory: Everything all at once, please.

Favorite color: Blue, blue, blue. International Klein Blue to be precise. I cannot get enough of it. Also, I will die on the hill that chartreuse is actually a great color.

Last movie: The Last Stop in Yuma County which was a fun neo-western/crime thriller that didn't take itself too seriously and didn't outstay its welcome. Imagine that! A 90-minute movie. They still make those! Wild. If you like Tarantino and/or the Coen Brothers, but played at a faster, snappier tempo, you will probably enjoy this one too.

Last show: So many. Bodkin, which is the epitome of "this show doesn't know what it wants to be." Is it a quirky comedy? A crime show? A (very tepid) satire? It's not like you can't combine these genres, but the show doesn't combine them, it swings wildly between them. The ending was terrible. I've finally started watching Hacks (a delight!) and I'm still slowly making my way through Kings (only 2 episodes left). Also following along with the new season of IWTV, which remains an absolutely bonkers show. If *this* is what made it into the final cut, can you imagine what didn't? Oh, to be allowed to read the studio notes for this one!

Last thing I googled: The origin and meaning of a Norse/Russian name. For reasons.

Current obsession: The Terror brainrot is still going stong. I have learned so much about Arctic Exploration in the 1800s over the past few weeks. Also, in a curious turn of events, I have started reading Masters of the Air fanfic? I was unfortunately pretty disappointed with the show. I had hoped it would trigger a level-11 hyperfixation but instead it just kinda came and went and I didn't even think about it anymore. Then an author, who I still follow because they used to write Stucky, started posting one Buck/Bucky (yes, they are two different characters) fic after another, and one day I said, 'Why not give it a shot?' Well, here we are, tens of thousands of words later, and for the first time in my life I'm beginning to understand the people whose general fandom attitude is 'I don't care for the source material at all, but the fic! Oh the fic compels me!' I have been compelled. I'm now a person who reads fanfiction for a pairing that includes a character played by Austin Butler (sorry Butler heads, I just don't get it).

Wonders never cease.

--

Like I said, I got tagged for this ages ago, so I don't know who's done this (recently). I'm gently tagging @bromcommie, @aimmyarrowshigh, @zenaidamacrouras1, @shackleton2 and @hail-americas-ass. Also, I mean it when I say I want to know what everyone else is watching/eating/obsessing over/etc. Tell me! Open tag for everyone who wants to do this.

[torialefay]

Hi Toria, I've sent inboxes to a few blogs, but no one seems to understand and I am just at a loss of what to do or who to talk to. You don't need to post this, I just think you are really kind and would understand, so I guess I just needed to tell someone who could understand where I'm coming from.

Stray Kids new album came out, as I'm sure you know and while I will always support the boys, the 'I Like It' song left me very emotional. I guess it brought up feelings inside of me that I didn't even know that were there based on past 'situationships' I had where that was the mindset. I didn't and still don't fully know why I reacted the way that I did, all I know is that it made me really fucking sad, Toria. I started crying and I didn't even know why, all I knew was that the words hurt, even though everyone else around me was talking about how amazing it was and how they were dancing to it.

The blame isn't on Stray Kids for this obviously, but I feel terrible still. This is the only song that I have ever disliked from them and I feel guilty about it. It also made me feel a bit differently about them and I feel guilty about that too. But I know I cant even say it on my blog because I will get murdered on this app, or called a fake fan, or be called a baby for how it made me feel. I can't help that I feel this way or the experiences I've had.

I don't really know why I'm writing all of this. I am just rambling too much, I have a tendency to do that. Thank you for reading this. Maybe I just needed someone to do it.., someone who I didnt think would judge me. I hope you have a great day, Toria 💕

hi honey, i contemplated posting this just because of what you said at the beginning, but i wanted to make sure that you know i read it and am supporting you from my lil corner of tumblr.

it can be hard to hear songs that get an emotional reaction out of you, and it is only human to do so. i hope you never feel bad about that. just know that it doesn't have to even be through songs. it can be through random things people say, movies, etc.

i'll never forget, one day a group of friends and i were watching a movie together and suddenly one of my friends started to cry uncontrollably. in the plot, there was mention of SA and because none of us had experienced anything like that, we didn't have a sort of emotional reaction. but we learned that day that my friend had been SA'ed and then had those memories flood back in that moment.

although each of us left the movie unaffected (for the most part), i know that movie will always have a negative association in my friend's mind & be remembered as something hurtful. that is absolute NO fault of her own. and for a long time after that, it made me feel very thankful that i'd never had to experience something like that & that i'd be able to go through my life unaffected.

that's a very long-winded way to say: i am so sorry that you've had negative emotions come out of this. and you're right, that has nothing to do with stray kids. i'm sure it is hard to watch people around you love this song while it has brought back bad memories for you. being honest, it also gave me very mixed feelings because of similar reasons. but at the end of the day, i hope you can remember that it is a song and not reality. that may not help at all, and in fact, it probably won't at this moment, BUT hopefully in the future it will be something that can bring you more comfort.

i would genuinely hope that stay wouldn't be upset with you for voicing your opinion & i'm sorry if that's the feedback you've received so far from talking about it. please do not let anyone invalidate your own emotions. it is completely OKAY to dislike a song. and it is completely OKAY for that song to change your views on things. although i do think it is fiction and we should try not to associate people with these fictional scenarios, unfortunately, that's not always how our hearts work.

i'm so sorry for anything you've gone through for these emotions to be brought up. i know it's not an easy thing to go through. you have my support 100%, and PLEASE, if you need anything at all, hop over to my inbox & we can chat some more, okay? ❤️❤️❤️

[1waywardbirdlane]

Unsolicited Lore Dump

tagged by @ancuninfiles , a beloved mutual

Do you make your bed? Occasionally when i’m tidying up and want everything to look nice & neat, but it’s not something I do habitually. 

Favourite number? 19. Not sure why

What's your job? I tell people I’m a homemaker. 

If you could go back to school would you? If I could go to a trade school, like for carpentry or welding or something, I would in order to build my skills and my art portfolio into larger scale and more intricate projects. I would maybe go to university. I would definitely love to learn more. I love being able to deep dive into a subject, to really learn the nuance & history of it. There’s definitely lots of subjects I’d be interested in, but if I were to actually devote that kind of time to school, I’d also want to have a goal in mind- a Masters or PHD or whatever.

Can you parallel park? Yep

Do you think aliens are real? I think it’s the height of arrogance to assume that there are no other sapient life forms in our whole universe. As much knowledge as we humans have accumulated, there are most definitely still things we cannot even perceive, let alone understand. Most media depicts “alien life forms” as largely humanoid, but that is so limiting and it drives me crazy. Of the films & TV I’ve seen, the film Arrival is the most unique and exciting depiction of alien encounters on earth. The creatures themselves were more imaginative, but also their concepts of language and time were presented in ways that felt fresh and caused a lot of introspection, both for characters on screen and for me personally.

Can you drive a manual car? No

What's your guilty pleasure? This is probably a terrible thing to say here, but fanfic? I still feel like I’m going to be teased if someone asks why I’m crying over my phone and I tell them the new chapter of my favorite fic came out and my ship had a huge fight. (Looking at you @Aevallare jk ilysm) Or if someone asks what I’m reading these days and the only answer I have is “so many Astarion/bg3 fanfics that I literally can’t keep the Tavs straight anymore.” I know I shouldn't feel embarrassed, and if anyone said all these things to me I’d tell them to be proud and just enjoy what they enjoy, fuck everybody else. But…I’ve realized I actually got teased a LOT about things I loved as a kid. My family would pick on me about what I realize now were hyperfixations, like a movie or certain activities that I seemed obsessed with. When I watched fellowship of the ring everyday one summer my brother would mockingly quote lines at me and tell me I needed to get over it. 

Tattoos? I have 2! A henna/paisley -like flower design on the inside of my left forearm and 3 sparrows flying from my right shoulder blade up to my neck. & plans for MANY more

Favorite color? Green. All of its shades and hues. Purple as a close second, especially lilac purple.

Favourite types of music? I think I have a very eclectic taste. I can appreciate most kinds of music, but… folk, indie rock/pop, grunge are probably the most accurate categories? I like female singer/songwriters- Ingrid Michaelson & Maggie Rogers. We’ve seen the Decemberists like 5 or 6 times, but probably my most favoritest band is Incubus. I’m convinced Hozier is some kind of magic Fae creature who fucks off to another realm or dimension between albums. I’ll fight anyone who tries to take a shot at Eddie Vedder. Bowie always puts me in a good mood and reminds me of college and Wes Anderson movies. Radiohead and the White Stripes were some of the first bands my sister introduced me to. The Flaming Lips’ Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots and Lauryn Hill’s Miseducation of Lauryn Hill are still some of my favorite albums of all time. 

Do you like puzzles? Yes! It kind of runs in our family on my mom’s side. If you went to visit Grandma and Grandpa and they were having a quiet night, they'd be doing a puzzle and listening to music or watching a movie. My aunts and uncles do it, and so do a few cousins, and my sister & her family love them too. I can get lost for hours with a good podcast and a puzzle. 

Any phobias? I originally went on an ADHD tangent about bear bells and tip toeing to cliff edges, but then I realized the only phobia I probably have is deep water. I LOVE being in the water, water creatures and ecosystems, but if I think too much about what is possibly swimming around just below me I can get a little freaked out. Truthfully this might stem from a “game” my brother and sister played with me when we were little and our house had a pool. They were 11 and 10. Both of them had taken swim lessons, could swim underwater and jump in without holding their noses. I was 3 and had a bathing suit with a built in innertube. They would take turns diving under the water with their hands on their heads imitating fins and grab my ankles and yank me down. Obviously it scared me and they did it so much that I stopped going in the pool with them.

Favourite childhood sport? Soccer

Do you talk to yourself? Oh yeah. Sometimes I pass it off as if I’m talking to my cat, or one of my plants, but yes very much a lot.

What movies do you adore? The Lord of the Rings Trilogy is #1 for of all time. Nacho Libre is another all time favorite. What We Do in the Shadows, the John Wick movies, Fast & Furious movies, Mad Max Fury Road…

Coffee or tea? I love both but if I have to choose then COFFEEFirst thing you wanted to be growing up? Somewhere in my parents’ house there is an old video of me saying that when I grew up I wanted to be a princess or a mermaid.

Gunna tag all 10 of my followers lol. If you've already shared yours just ignore me lol.

@astarionancuntnin @midnight-musings-of-nyx @adoenamedjane @originalin @giganticrodent @shewhowas39 @halsinwhore @swancensus

I really love doing these!!

[fox-glove]

Songs to exist frightfully off of…songs to go through the effort of googling “how to put a song on a loop on Spotify” and fall asleep in an armchair after getting home at 8 am…songs that will most definitely kill your mood or revive and slap the shit out of you..

“Lakes of Canada” by The Innocence Mission or covered by Sufjan Stevens. Honestly, this is a dealer’s choice kinda thing but if you’re inclined to go with Sufjan, give the original a chance because it’s just as good. The song holds a very strange catharsis for me. It always brings me back to this terrible period of rejection several months ago when everything seemed very world-shattering. I think if I hadn’t listened to this song as much as I have I wouldn’t be able to look back at all.

“Famous Blue Raincoat” by Leonard Cohen was my gateway drug. “And what can I tell you, my brother, my killer, what can I possibly say? I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you, I’m glad you stood in my way,” is not the line to be left to your own devices to interpret for the first time pissant drunk listening to records.

"Against Pollution" by The Mountain Goats is another song where I just get caught on the execution of one particular line. Just "And a guy came in," absolutely caught me. I have no idea what Mr Darnielle is doing but he's doing it completely right. I personally think the simpler songs instrumentation-wise are the best in TMG's discography.

"Roman Candle" by Elliot Smith is the titular song of his first album. So many songs in there that I wish I listened to years ago. I found out about Elliot when I saw The Scene in The Royal Tennumbaums. Then, I just sleepily waded through his music until I hit this. The song possesses a kind of anger and rawness that belongs to someone with no aim toward mainstream success. It isn't a song written for an audience.

"Sadie" by Joanna Newsom grows on you. I have a bad habit of not being able to read the vibe as far as musical accompaniment goes. I will put on my "The Milk-Eyed Mender" CD while friends are over and trying to sleep in random uncomfortable places. Apparently, this isn't a popular choice. Joanna Newsom's music has a voice that's so rough and fragile, that anyone would love it eventually. May take you a bit...

"Casimir Pulaski Day" by Sufjan Stevens is the most vivid listening experience one could ask for. Talk about sustaining, you know? It's where Sufjan shows his personal interest in the art of the short story. I don't remember when I listened to Illinois for the first time but whenever it was, I should separate my life into before and after. I also feel like I didn't really feel immersed in the album until I rode through Illinois and upstate Wisconsin (an area I feel extremely attached to 3,000 miles away from it) on a bus. The song makes me want to take a cross-country bus. They should make those things cheaper. If you get anything from this list, take a greyhound. They're terribly impractical modes of transportation, more expensive than you'd think, and the best environment for some real artistic contemplation.

[emoonsworld]

Midnight Rain | Rowan Laslow X Reader

A/N: hello! This is my first ever thing I wrote so it's not going to be good. I'm in love with Rowan so I wanted to write about him, also because he barely has any stories. I'm happy to do requests but not smut at all. I'm terrible at that but will do anything else. This writing has some lyrics to Midnight Rain by Taylor Swift so if you want to, listen to it as you are reading it.

WARNINGS: none :)

I sat in my room bored out of my mind. Sat next to me was my roomate, Enid fiddling with her hands looking around our semi-messy dorm. As she had wonder in her eyes, she turned and saw my record player. Like lightning she got up and was next to it, her eyes glowing while looking at the albums I call mine. Her fingers brushed the top of them as she was trying to find the one album I knew she wanted.

¨It's already in the record for you to play Enid.¨ I turned to look at her. A smile appeared on my face like the Cheshire cat when I saw so much joy in her eyes. ¨How did you-¨ I stopped her, ¨I know you like the palm of my hand Enid. I also stopped it on your favorite song so you can hear it.¨ She instantly played the song, Midnight Rain by Taylor Swift. As we kept listening to the song I was deeply listening to the lyrics:

Rain, he wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain.

These lyrics made my smile disappear. Enid saw it and had a concerned and confused look on her face. ¨Y/N, is something wrong?¨ My eyes went up to my star ceiling not wanting to look at her face. ¨Yeah I'm just, thinking.¨ Nothing but silence except the song still playing, Enid looked at the record then to me, then to the record, ¨ I know something is wrong just tell me.¨ Just as I was about to say what's wrong I heard the lyrics.

I broke his heart cause he was nice,

It brought me back to those times. Those times where I was with him, the sun in my life when I had him. I can hear his voice.

¨Hey love, so are you up for the date tonight?¨ Rowan said, my lover. I turned to look at him, hair combed perfectly like it was everyday, glasses placed on his face angelically, and his clothes ironed without a single crease. He was the textbook definition of perfect. I gave a small smile looking at him,¨ I have to double check Ro, I'm pretty busy.¨ His face dropped, not showing a bit of emotion. It hurts me that he tries and tries, but I'm the reason that stops the plans. ¨Okay, just let me know if you can.¨ He gives me a quick smile, then the bell rings, ¨I'll see you later okay?¨ I looked at him with both pain and love in my eyes,¨ Yeah I'll see you Ro.¨ I was still in that memory until Enid snapped her fingers, ¨ Hello, earth to (Y/N). Do you hear me?¨ I came back to reality and shook my head a little bit, ¨Yeah I'm lost in my thoughts.¨ There was silence as the song continued to play:

'Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain.

I looked at Enid, her eyes still on me, ¨This song it…it reminds me of him.¨ I looked back to the ceiling where the stars are glowing,¨ A part of me regrets leaving him, you know breaking his heart. He never did anything wrong, I was the problem. He loved me, but I wasn't okay. I led him on and then broke his heart Enid. When I realized I actually wanted him-¨(Y/N). It's not your fault.¨ I looked at her with glossy eyes, tears ready to fall down like midnight rain, ¨No Enid it is my fault. I get it, I dated him and that was like what? 2 years ago, so I should forget about him, but I can't because I see him everyday, and I hate that.¨ I paused for a second hearing my voice crack,¨I hate that I did that.¨

She stood there a few feet away from me as she saw the first rain drop fall from my eyes. She walked a little closer to touch my shoulder, ¨ (Y/N)-¨ I moved away from her comfort and buried my face in my throw pillow, ¨Just leave me Enid. Please, I'll be okay.¨ I can feel her eyes are on me so I never looked at her, never saw her emotion, ¨Okay. I'll leave, call me when you want me to come back.¨ My face was still on the pillow until I heard the door open and close. I couldn't help until the past with him flashes in my thoughts. All of them were until, but not one. The worst one.

***

¨ Rowan I need to tell you something.¨ We were walking from the quad to my dorm. He looked up at me and smiled, ¨ Yeah what's on your mind.¨ I was scared to tell him. ¨Umm let's wait until we are at my dorm, it's better private.¨ He looked at me with a confused look on his face, ¨Okay.¨ As we entered the room nobody was here, it's a ghost town, he closed the door and was scared to turn to face him. I always hated the silence, but I never wanted to break it. He knew that so he broke it like always, ¨What did you want to say sweetheart?¨ Man, I hate when he calls me by nicknames. ¨ It's over Ro.¨ Still my back is facing him, not wanting to see him sad. ¨What? (Y/N) what did say.¨ Without looking at him I can tell he is going to break. I finally have the guts to look at him. ¨ Rowan I love you, I really love you but I can't continue this relationship.¨ I felt numb since I couldn't really feel the tears on my cheeks. I was able to see his face, tears already falling down, mouth open a little bit. There was silence again, this time even more painful than the ones we had before. Everytime we had silence it was nothing, just us enjoying each other's company. This time I finally broke it, ¨Row-¨ ¨So that's it. We’re over? Just end like it was nothing? I LOVE YOU! THIS WHOLE TIME I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU! WHY?! Can I atleast know why?¨ I couldn't say anything because I didn't even know the answer to that question. We just stood there,¨ fine¨ he muttered. Within seconds he opened the door with his telekinesis and slammed it close. I was frozen in my spot, this time I could feel the tears and closed my eyes. When I opened them I was back to the present. I must have fallen asleep because it's now 12:30am, midnight. I looked over to Enid's side to see her fast asleep. I got up and went to the record and played the song that haunts me. I was just sitting there listening to the song when I decided to do something I was scared of. I grabbed my phone and went to his number and all I said was, ¨hey¨. Just as I put my phone down these lyrics came up,

And I never think of him except midnights like this.

I swear it was like this was written from a book, but as the song ended, on cue, I saw rain and not just any rain, but midnight rain. I still sat there, waiting, waiting for him to say something. My desk vibrated. I was too scared to see it, but I put some courage in me and looked at it. On my screen it had just a simple, ¨hey¨

[darcyfangirlsfrequently]

Speak Now (Garvez's Version)

for @hey-dw

Summary: Penelope was driving to work when she heard "Back to December" and it hit her in the chest like a ton of bricks. She had to pull off to the side of the road to cry, and who sees her pulled over and comes up to her but the very person she's crying about: Luke Alvez. The two bond over favorite Taylor Swift songs, which ultimately leads to some interesting revelations.

Word count: 3677

Can also be read here on Ao3

The day was July 7th, 2023. Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) had come out that morning, and Penelope Garcia was on her way to work. She considered herself to be quite a big Swiftie, and so of course she had the album playing on her way in. She had it on shuffle, and just as she was over halfway through her commute, “Back to December” came on. And all of a sudden she was crying. She didn’t know what had happened, but she was sobbing uncontrollably. She pulled off to the shoulder of the road, unable to safely drive through her tears, and cried. The song ended and the next one, “Enchanted,” came on, but she went back and put “Back to December” on a loop, hoping it would help her get all her tears out. And maybe listening to it again and again would help her figure out why she was crying in the first place. 

On her third listen-through, it hit her. The bridge. 

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile

So good to me, so right

And how you held me in your arms that September night

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

But if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right

I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t

So if the chain is on your door, I’ll understand

And shit. She had messed up. Badly. Those words dislodged something in her heart that she had buried deep down for three years, but something she remembered all too well nevertheless. Her feelings for Luke. She thought she’d gotten rid of them, sure she’d gotten over him, but there they were. As strong as ever. She loved him, and she had never stopped. She had missed her chance, she knew it—she had thrown her chance out the window on that fateful dinner three years ago without even a second glance. She’d gotten in the way of her own happiness, and it was definitely too late now. Coming back to the BAU had been hard on her, and then Tyler inserted himself into her life and she found herself pushed from the precipice and clinging to the nearest lips. Long story short, he was the wrong guy. Obviously. But there was no way that any feelings Luke, the right guy, had had for her—if there had been any—would still be around. Not after everything she had said to him. After everything she had put him through. She had been terrible to him, she realized that. It was a miracle he still wanted to be her friend, so he certainly would not want anything more. Certainly could not. 

A soft knock on her window startled her out of her despairing thoughts. The planets and the fates and the stars all must have aligned on that day, because who was outside her window but the same man she was crying about. Luke Alvez.

“Hey, are you okay?” His voice, though muffled through the glass of her window, was achingly soft and full of concern. 

She nodded, but he fixed her with a disbelieving look, so she waved him around to the other side of her car, gesturing for him to get in so they could talk.

As he opened the door, she remembered to pause the music, but not before he heard what was playing.

“What’s got you crying so hard to ‘Back to December?’”

Penelope stared at him, wide-eyed. “You know Taylor Swift? Scratch that, you know Taylor Swift well enough to be able to identify what song I’m listening to just by a second?”

Luke lifted his chin in the air, jokingly indignant. “I’ll have you know I listened to Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) on my run this morning.”

She turned in her seat to face him completely. “You did not!”

“I did too! Here, I’ll prove it.” He opened the music app on his phone and showed her his history. Sure enough, there was the album. 

Penelope laughed, leaning back into her seat. “Wow, I can’t believe you like Taylor Swift.”

He shrugged. “My sisters got me into her music. I mean we were what… in our twenties when her first album came out? I’ve listened to each album as they’ve come out, it’s been a great way for us to stay connected all these years.”

"What's your favorite album?" 

Luke let out a huff, contemplating. "Probably 1989, but I'm… oh god what is it all the younger fans are saying online… in my Speak Now era." 

Penelope laughed. "Aren't we all?" 

"What's your favorite album?" 

"Definitely Lover," she replied, not even having to think about it.

"Yeah, that does not surprise me at all." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Have you seen the inside of your office?" 

"Okay, fair play. What's your favorite song?"

"Oh god," Luke groaned, half laughing. "There are too many to pick from. Can we do favorite by album instead?"

“All right, sure. What’s your favorite song from her first album?”

He barely considered it. “‘Stay Beautiful.’”

“Really?”

“Why, is that surprising?”

“Well, not necessarily,” Penelope admitted. “But it’s just not one you hear people say a lot. Now I feel basic saying that mine is ‘Our Song.’”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with basic,” Luke said. “It’s a popular one because it’s good. A very close second, in my opinion.”

Penelope smiled. “Okay, favorite song from Fearless?”

“It has got to be ‘You Belong with Me.’ C’mon, it’s a classic!”

“I will give you that, and it is an excellent choice, but personally I’m going with ‘The Best Day.’ Reminds me of my mom.”

Luke nodded. “A completely understandable favorite. I’m not going to lie to you, I still cry every time I listen to it. And then call my mom.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet! I’m guessing you don’t want me to pass that information along to Tara?”

He threw his head back laughing like a little kid. 

When she heard his laugh, she looked up, smiling. He had the best laugh.

“No, that would not be ideal,” Luke answered. “I don’t want to give her another thing to tease me about. Okay, what’s your favorite song from Speak Now?”

“Well, right now, it’s ‘Back to December.’ Yeah, I was just crying to it, but it’s just so good.”

“What were you crying about, anyway?” Luke asked her, sympathy and concern back in his voice. 

“I’d rather not talk about it, if that’s okay. Plus, you haven’t told me your favorite song from Speak Now.”

He stared at her for a moment, his brown eyes shimmering, beautiful. “Enchanted,” he finally answered. He was still staring at her, and she was staring right back, the air between them becoming charged. 

She was the first to break the silence. “Okay, what about Red?”

“Oh, ‘All Too Well,’ definitely.”

“Which version?”

Luke scoffed. “Ten minutes, obviously, I have taste.”

Penelope laughed. “Okay, yeah, I’ll admit that. Mine is ‘Begin Again.’”

“Ooh, a fabulous choice from the fabulous Ms. Penelope Garcia. What about 1989? And tread carefully, remember, I said this is my favorite album, I will be judging your answer.”

“Is ‘You Are In Love’ acceptable, Mr. Judge?”

Luke looked exceptionally pleased. “Ooh, very. Mine is ‘Welcome to New York,’ and not because I’m a New York kid. Well, not exclusively. Every time that I drive down to visit my family, my younger sister has me text her as I cross the state border into New York, and she sends me that song.”

“Aw,” Penelope replied. “That’s really sweet! Okay, what about Reputation?”

“I really like ‘Delicate.’ I know it’s not a lot of people’s favorites, but I like it.”

“No, it’s a good one. My favorite is ‘Gorgeous.’”

“Ooh, another solid choice. Okay, favorite from Lover?”

“Right now? Probably ‘Afterglow.’”

“Really?” That’s kind of surprising. I was sure you'd say 'Me!'"

She cocked her head to the side. "Why's that?" 

"Because I promise that I'm never gonna find another like you!" 

It was Penelope's turn to laugh. "Okay, okay, what's your favorite song from Lover?" 

"'Daylight,' but 'The Archer' is a close second."

Penelope couldn't help but smile. His choices were just so good. "Okay, Folklore?" 

"'The 1.' How about you?" 

"Oh, definitely 'Mirrorball.'" 

"Ooh, yeah, that's definitely a gut punch of a song. What about your favorite from Evermore?" 

"'Long Story Short.' You?" 

"'Right Where You Left Me,'" he answered without hesitation.

“Really? I don’t know what I expected you to say, but I don’t think it was that. Why that song?”

He paused for a moment, trying to think of the right way to describe how the song makes him feel. “The sentiment, I guess. The idea of being in love with someone even when they aren’t in love with you, especially if they used to be, that kind of unconditional love. It’s sad, but it’s beautiful.”

Penelope tilted her head to the side, looking at him as if seeing him for the first time. “First you know Emily Dickinson, and now you have these deep insightful opinions on Taylor Swift? Luke Alvez, you never cease to amaze me.”

“I’m glad,” he replied, smiling widely. “Now, last and most certainly not least, what’s your favorite Midnights song?”

“Oh, ‘Bejeweled,’ hands-down.”

Luke brought his hand to his chest and gasped in fake shock. “What? You? Really? I’m astounded!”

Penelope rolled her eyes and shoved him playfully. “Shut up. Now come on, what’s yours?”

“Probably ‘Mastermind.’”

“Yeah, that’s definitely a good one.” 

“Why are all those songs your favorites?” Luke asked her then. 

“I relate to them,” she answered without hesitation. “I mean, almost all of them. I think ‘Our Song’ is the only one I don’t relate to.” She realized that she may have given too much away by implying she related to “Back to December.” She did, but that didn’t mean she wanted him to know that. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to notice.

“Yeah, I’m pretty much the same. But I feel like I relate to at least one line in each of my favorite songs. That’s what makes them my favorite.”

Penelope nodded. “Yeah, I get that.”

Luke fixed her with another warm smile. “Feeling better now?”

She smiled and nodded. “Mhmm. Thank you.”

“Any time,” he said sincerely, and damn if she didn’t get butterflies. He leaned across the center console and hugged her tight.

She returned the hug, arms wrapping tight around his middle and burying her face in his shoulder.

"We should probably get to work now," Luke said as he begrudgingly pulled out of the hug. "I'll see you there, okay?" 

Penelope smiled and nodded once more. "Okay."

*** 

Something struck Penelope not long after they arrived at work, and it bothered her all day. Luke had said he related to all his favorite songs. Including "Right Where You Left Me." Why would he relate to that song, especially now? What could possibly be the reason? 

Well, she had one idea. She just didn't think it was possible. There was no way. Absolutely no way he still felt anything for her, never mind loved her. Because that was what he had said, right? Unconditional love. There was no way he loved her like that. They were just friends. They had agreed on that. 

But then again… had they? She had assumed that the date was awkward because he had realized he didn't actually like her that way but had still shown up out of respect, because of course he would, and was just trying to find a way to let her down gently, because of course he would. She thought it would hurt less if she beat him to the punch, so that's what she tried to do. And she was right, partially. And she'd thought he had agreed, but thinking back, the only thing he had said he agreed with was the date feeling clunky. He hadn't agreed with her, but he hadn't disagreed with her either, and she mistook that for agreement. It occurred to her that he might have kept any difference of opinion to himself out of respect for her and the boundaries she was laying down. Because of course he would.

Penelope thought back on all the people she had dated or liked, the boys and boys and girls and girls, and while not all of them had been bad—in fact a lot of them were good—there was no question about it. Luke was the best of them. By far.

She had had feelings for him since the start. She had found him attractive the very first time she had seen him. She saw him and he was just… he was so gorgeous, it made her so mad. She had felt a bubble of… something else just underneath the surface, but he was her co-worker and what’s more, he was Morgan’s replacement. Those feelings felt like a betrayal of her friendship with Morgan, so she had pressed them down and tried to fight them off by fighting him. It hadn’t worked. Her feelings had stayed, as strong as ever, and then she left. And he asked her out. And she said yes. And then she spent the next three years making very bad choices. 

First, she didn’t even see the date through. Didn’t even try to see if the conclusion she had jumped to was the right one. She said some mean things. Some wrong things. Then she virtually cut all her old friends out, claiming she needed a “clean break” from everything to help her heal. It didn’t fully work. This was the one area where Luke didn’t give her space, where he pushed her. He told her that this wasn’t healthy, she needed to talk to someone. Then the lockdown started and she was desperate to talk to someone, so she started virtually seeing a therapist. Tristan told her exactly what Luke had, that the way she cut out her friends wasn’t healthy and wasn’t healing and encouraged her to reach back out. When she did and apologized for her behavior, she was welcomed back with open arms. Luke was the first to tell her that all was forgiven. That was probably the one good thing therapy did for her, looking back. Everything else just made her selfish. And then… the thing with Tyler. God, that was the worst of them all. She saw the red flags, but he was the wrong guy showing her the right attention in a time of significant change in her life, and she fell for it every time. With Shayne when her parents died. With Jason Clark Battle when she was trying to get over Morgan. With Kevin when she had been shot. This was the pattern she fell back into time and time again. She had hurt Luke… everyone she cared for, and all for someone who ended up hurting her just like she should have been able to predict he would. She wounded the good and trusted the wicked. Again. She hardly expected their forgiveness… she hardly forgave herself. But they all gave it. Gradually. Except for Luke, who had forgiven her without a second thought. He forgave her before she even realized she was in the wrong. Because that was just the kind of person he was. 

Luke, Luke, Luke. That seemed to be all she could think about. And of course she just kept coming back to the songs. “You Belong With Me.” “Enchanted.” “The 1.” “Right Where You Left Me.” Was it possible he related to those songs because of her? Was he trying to send her a message? 

She didn’t know. But she hoped. Lord did she hope.

***

Luke spending his whole day thinking about one Penelope Garcia was not a new thing by any stretch, but today he was hung up on one particular subject. She had been crying, full-on sobbing, to “Back to December” and he could not for the life of him figure out why. 

Well, he had one idea. He just didn't think it was possible. There was no way. There was no way she was regretting the way things had ended between them now, three years after the fact. 

No, overthinking their date was what he did. It was what he had been doing every day for the past three years. Their first date… he didn’t kiss her and should have. Even if it was just on the hand or the cheek, something so that he could be clear, so she could know how he felt. That he thought, no, knew that there was something between them. He had been so crushed after that night, but he didn’t want anyone to know what had happened, so he had spent the following weeks before lockdown forcing laughter, faking smiles, doing whatever he could to convince everyone else that he was completely fine and hadn’t just had his heart broken by the woman he’d been in love with the last four years. He had gotten used to the fact he and Penelope would always be a story that never got told, a daydream he’d never get to hold. Well, until that morning.

They had just been talking and laughing in her car, and he started thinking to himself, “Hey, isn’t this easy?” Because that’s how things were for them now. Easy. Right. Comfortable. We wished things could have been that way on that night three years ago, but there was no way to go back in time and change things.

That train of thought, of course, brought him right back to Penelope. If she had been crying and relating to “Back to December,” then she had to be regretting the way a relationship—or something of the sort—had ended. Luke had become her “tell everything” person throughout the pandemic and still since, so he knew it wasn’t anyone else. The only person she had never said, “I don’t regret the way that ended” about was him. And granted, she had never said, “I regret the way that ended,” either. She had never said a word about it. Neither of them had. So maybe, maybe she regretted things. Maybe there was a chance. 

That was it, he needed to talk to her. However, it was still the middle of the workday, and this was absolutely not an appropriate conversation to be having on the clock. So, he waited. And he drew out his paperwork. And he waited some more. It reminded him of his early days with the BAU when he would work unnecessarily slowly so he could leave at the same time as her and accidentally-on-purpose meet her at the elevator.

Finally, once everyone had left, he made her way over to her office, where she was packing up her things and powering down her computers, just as he thought she would be. Years of observing her routine made him good at predicting things like that. He smiled at the dark room that she managed to make bright and colorful. Even after years of not being there, she could still make the whole place shimmer. “Hey,” he said. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah, actually, I need to talk to you too. Do you mind if I go first?”

“Go ahead.” 

“Why did you say you relate to ‘Right Where You Left Me?’”

“Why did you say you relate to ‘Back to December?’”

They stared at each other then, seeing who would crack first, who would admit that the other was the reason they’d had their heart torn to pieces again and again over a fucking song. Eventually, Penelope spoke up. She could hear it in the silence, his confession. His declaration that she was the reason. “So how wrong was I?”

He knew what she was talking about. She was asking how wrong she was when she had said there was nothing between them, that they each had their person out there but they weren’t each other’s. “Incredibly,” he replied, voice full of emotion.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why would I? Why would I disrespect you like that? I wasn’t going to pretend that your words weren’t what they seemed, I can take ‘no’ for an answer.”

Penelope’s eyes started to fill with tears. “This is what I mean! You’re so good to me! So… right! I don’t deserve the way you are with me.”

He reached out to her then, placing a hand on her arm, unable to keep himself from her for a moment longer. “What do you mean?” His voice was achingly soft.

“I’ve hurt you. And I’m sorry, Luke, I’m sorry that I hurt you. I never meant to.”

“I know. Which is why I forgive you. ‘Cause I like you, I love you, Penelope, and when the people we love hurt us unintentionally, we forgive them.”

“You love me?” Penelope echoed.

Luke nodded. “Yes. I love you now and I loved you then. We were something, don’t you think so? Back then?”

“I do.”

“Then if you want to be something again now, if you ever think you got it wrong, I’m right where you left me. If you want me, just say the word, Penelope, and I’m yours.” He was close to tears now himself.

She didn’t even hesitate. “I want you.”

Luke wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her flush to him. He brought his other hand up to her cheek, cradling her face and wiping away her tears. Then, finally, after seven long years of waiting, he kissed her.

“I love you too,” she whispered once she eventually pulled away, holding him tight. “I didn’t say that before but I do. I love you.”

He buried his face into her shoulder, breathing in the smell of her until it filled his lungs completely and he was just completely encapsulated in her. “I love you too. Always have. Always will.” He kissed her again, a silent promise. Forever and always.

[butcherlarry]

I was tagged by @burins in a people I want to get to know tag meme! Thanks for the tag!

Last Song: I was actually listening to this in the car as I was coming home from work today, Sexkiller on the Loose by Carpenter Brut. I really like this whole album, Trilogy , and listen to it all the time when I'm traveling. It's nice thinkin' music for me, but I have to be careful because it's very easy to speed when listening to the upbeat songs.

The last podcast I listened to was the most recent Behind the Bastards episode, discussing Michael Lewis and the terrible book he wrote about Sam Bankman-Fried. I also completed a re-listen of BtB's six part series on what a bastard Henry Kissinger was, in honor of his death.

The last book I read was Axiom's End by Lindsay Ellis. I might have stayed up until 12:30 am finishing it, and was VERY TIRED when I went birding the next day. Reading this book finally pushed me to get a library card so I can read the next book, Truth of the Divine. I've been holding out on getting a library card for the last couple years because my life has been so hectic with multiple moves. I've finally settled down enough where I can get a library card, and this book was the push I needed to finally do it.

My favorite color: purple! I just really love that color. If you look in my closet, you'll see a lot of purple clothes :)

Currently Watching: What everyone else on the Internet is watching, Hbomerguy's Plagiarism video essay. I couldn't watch it all yesterday and have one more hour to go!

Last Movie: Barbie! I watched it with my two best friends over a discord chat. One of them hadn't been able to see it yet, so we watched it together. It was also lovely to catch up :)

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: Hmmmmmm. I'm a sucker for sweet things, but sometimes that gets to be a little too much for me. So sweet and savory or sweet and spicy are always favorite combos of mine.

Relationship status: Single. Not really looking for anyone either. I'm starting to suspect that I'm aro as well as ace.

Current obsessions: BIRDS. Omg, birds. I blame my cats for this, I got a bird feeder to hang outside a large window at my old apartment to entertain them. Well, it ended up entertaining me too. Now I have a nice camera, multiple bird field books, and I go to the local arboretum every Sunday to go birding. It's my "go out and touch literal grass" day. And it's so much fun to see the birds throughout the year, especially seeing which ones stay in the area and who migrates/come back. The dark-eyed juncos and white-throated sparrows are back and I'm SO HAPPY to see those little guys! I post my pictures on my bird tumblr or Bluesky, as well as the Batfam discord server I'm in :)

Last thing I googled: How to take the FUCKING knife guard off our back up meat slicer to clean it. I wanted both slicers going because we had 100 POUNDS (45+ kgs) of deli turkey to slice for my company's holiday party and it was dirty from the last time it was used. I have NO IDEA how the FUCK we got it off the first time. It should be simple! There is a long pin/bar you unscrew in the back! But it still wouldn't come off!! I think there is some kind of safety we're not triggering, but I have NO CLUE what it is. The manual it came with and the manufacturer's videos on YouTube were NO HELP. I blame the French (the slicer was made in France).

I'm tagging @ktkat99, @betta-male, @sunny-in-gotham, @halehathnofury, @froizetta, @superbattrash, @lizyarikus, @sisaloofafump, and anyone else who would like to join! No pressure though! :)

[thepenultimaterolo]

9 People I'd Like to Get to Know Better

Thank you to @yoshihashismattebum and @thewaythroughthewoods for the tag!

Ok, here we go...

Last song: I am going to follow my friends' lead and also give an album! Since it came out last Friday I've been really enjoying Lauran Hibberd's new album, Girlfriend Material. I first heard her when she was supporting The Regrettes on tour, and she's released two fantastic albums since then!

I could spend this whole thing talking about what music I like at the moment if I'm not careful, so I will leave it there!

Favourite colour: Greens and blues are my go-to colours for clothes, decor, etc. For flowers, my favourite colour is probably yellows, or deep pinks, or the colour of whatever flower is looking especially good in the garden right now.

Currently watching: I don't watch a lot of telly tbh, but I watch All Elite Wrestling pretty regularly, and my partner and I are watching Avatar: The Last Airbender together (the original, animated series).

Spicy/savoury/sweet: I'm not a fan of hot-spicy, but between the others it very much depends on my mood... Top tier snacks for me would be paprika crisps, worcestershire sauce French Fries (the crisp), Tunnocks caramel wafers, Wispa (aerated chocolate), and anything involving ginger and dark chocolate.

Relationship status: Very happily in a relationship with my partner for 10 years this spring ❤️

He is wonderful, interesting, kind, clever and funny, and I still can't quite believe I get to share my life with him.

I reworded that sentence so many times because I kept ending it with a joke of some sort, but no! I want to just be genuine for a moment actually! @unpairedbracket: I love you so so much 💕

Obsessions: ok in no particular order:

Gardening: There's just such a joy in watching and helping things grow. Being outside and physically working on something, even just weeding, makes me feel so good. And I love watching new things come up and grow and flower at different points through the year.

Wrestling: @yoshihashismattebum got me into watching pro wrestling during covid, and I would say that it certainly stuck 😝

The first thing I really watched was NJPW, and then I started watching AEW as well, and bits and pieces of other things. We've been going to some Rev Pro shows as well, which have been excellent.

I really like how varied it can be; in the same show you can be super-hyped for an excellently constructed match, crying with laughter at a comedy match, and then crying with emotion at the culmination of a storyline, or just at someone loving what they do.

Wildlife: I get excited about basically all forms of wildlife, and I think I can be a bit of a nightmare to go on a walk with because I'll keep wanting to stop and look at wildflowers / nice moss / birds / cool insects / interesting fungi / etc etc. (sorry guys...)

I'm always excited about seeing bats and foxes and birds of prey, and I also got very excited when I saw a hornet last autumn (so big and yellow and cool!), and also took a photo of a really good stripey spider I found, and showed it to everyone who indicated the slightest bit of interest for a couple of weeks afterwards.

Disco Elysium: I first played this last spring and what a fucking game. I keep thinking about it again and again, and I really want to play through multiple more times...

The worldbuilding is fantastic and fascinating, and there are so many little side details that you can explore. The writing is sincere and thoughtful but also frequently very funny. I played the tribunal with tears running down my face because it makes your choices feel like they matter so much.

I also love that Fayde exists as a resource, and all the discussion of various theories that it supports. It's a game that really invites and rewards that attention to detail.

I'm also reading A Sacred and Terrible Air at the moment (the translated version), which is a book written by the game writers before DE itself, and set in the same world.

Music: ok I lied I am going to talk more about what music I like - and about live music! I love going to gigs and seeing bands live and discovering new bands through the support acts.

The core of my music taste has got to be punk, old and new. I just absolutely love the guitar sound, and the energy, and the thickness of the noise, and being at a gig where the music just saturates the air. (While wearing concert earplugs because I value my hearing, and because going deaf in one ear for a couple of days was pretty scary...) I also love that gigs have such varied demographics, and that we, in our 20s, can go to eg. an Undertones gig and be listening with a load of people who were going to gigs back in the 70s and we're all just enjoying the same music together.

I've been lucky enough to see a lot of my favourite artists play, but bands I would love to see and haven't yet include: Nova Twins, Sløtface, and Soft Play (fka Slaves).

Tags:

Anyone who would like to do this, please consider yourself tagged!

I'm going to specifically tag the following people (but only if you would find it fun!):

@unpairedbracket , @unicornjellybee , @mortphilippa, @lovethatcoat, @pipedreamdragon, @rubiscothegeek, @vermin-disciple, @calamitys-child, @nothingiswrongwithyourarmrests

[boxesofmixtapes]

SENSORY MEMORY I: 1989 - TAYLOR SWIFT

2014, 48:41, standouts: clean, i know places, new romantics

in 2014 i experienced what was, at the time, the worst year of my entire life. my mom died, my dad moved my now stepmom into our home weeks after that, i was 19 years old and very directionless but i had one bright spot that kept me going.

ryan.

we met playing world of warcraft in november 2013. our friendship developed quickly and we spent an inordinate amount of time together, exchanging numbers and snapchats finally in january. i was giddy because i liked him so much and those feelings grew until they felt like hunger for months. like was no longer like it became capital L love.

ryan, despite his terrible commitment issues, general lack of emotional availability, mental health issues i wanted to desperately fix despite him never asking that of me, tried. he tried to be there for me but he had his own flaws and issues too, something a younger version of me didn’t understand at the time.

now we weren’t ever officially together. we decided not to define the relationship out of comfort for both of us but as far as i was concerned, he was my boyfriend. i treated him as such and there were a lot of times where i felt like i was his girlfriend in return. the year passed, summer came and went, and fall finally was cast upon the world like a spell.

on october 27, 2014 the album 1989 was released. on october 29, 2014 my heart was so broken i felt i’d never recover.

ryan told me we needed to cool things down because he met a girl in person he liked and wanted to try things with her.

now as a 28 year old woman with a plethora of life experience i can tell you what i was feeling was heartbreak, of course, because i cared about this man. loved him, even. but above all what i was feeling was the insurmountable grief of the year that had nearly fully passed by. everything i refused to acknowledge felt like a wall to scale and so this album became a reprieve for me.

listening to a woman i viewed as wiser than myself sing about heartbreak, returning to yourself, not letting lost love define you felt empowering in a way that only a 19 year old can understand. blasting shake it off in my car on the way to my nannying gig, dreaming of another love to how you get the girl, mentally rewriting my own narrative to this love, wishing to embody the burning wit of blank space while mouthing the words in the shower.

for weeks i listened to nothing but this album in its entirety except for clean.

i pulled the lyrics book out of the cd case the day i bought the album and read the words to clean and decided i needed to save that for when i finally felt it. clean. new. no longer in need of a love that didn’t serve me.

on november 12, 2014 i locked myself in my childhood bedroom and listened to clean by myself for hours on repeat. i sobbed until my throat was raw. i ignored my younger sisters knocking completely, something out of character for me. everyone could see i was miserable but i felt like this is the moment where i was able to let it all go.

i was bound and determined to be done. to clean all remnants of him from my life, to be someone new, to abandon the dust covered shelves in my heart where my memories of him resided.

yes i know this was a span of roughly 3 weeks, have i mentioned i was 19 and everything felt huge back then?

on november 19, 2014, ryan asked me how i felt about him. i told him i liked him more than i thought i would. three days later my period of being “clean” was over. we were back on.

hours spent sobbing to clean became hours listening to this love because the narrative had truly been rewritten. this love came back to me!

well at least for a little while. when the prospect of our relationship moving from long distance to in person became a reality and not just a concept, he ghosted me. by april 2015, we were over. i sent him one final text message wishing him well in june and he never responded.

clean once again became a regularly rotating song for me. screamed while driving to my new job in a new city in a new state. sobbed late night in my bed alone. this time clean had to stay, i was determined.

i did and have ever since.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

It's been a little while since I've said this, so I'd like to repeat my recommendation that everyone immediately get the fuck of Twitter, and also Instagram and all those other things, and follow your favourite comedians only via their mail lists (I assume you all use Twitter only for following news of your favourite comedians - that's all I'd use it for, if I were on it, which I am not, it was a terrible website before Elon Musk and now it's even worse so a better time than ever to get out). If your favourite comedian does not have a mailing list, then they are primarily marketing themselves via world-ruining social media sites (and yes that is every social media site besides Tumblr, Tumblr is the only one where no one gets paid to spread Qanon theories or exploit their children, the few people on here doing that shit are at least doing it for free), and are therefore not worth being your favourite comedian. It's a tough principle to try to hold in 2023, but we all have to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway, I'm sort of half kidding about the above (I genuinely do not use any non-Tumblr social media and get my comedian news via mailing lists, genuinely think others should do the same, I have not yet managed to genuinely work out my life so I cut off everyone with a Twitter account), but I do enjoy the mailing lists. They're fun! Lots of comedians write them in character as their comedy personas, and you can get a nice email into your inbox that says "[famous comedian]" sent you a message! Mark Watson writes little sketches in his sometimes.

Anyway, got a fun one from Frankie Boyle today. He really does nail the aspect of writing his emails in character.

I'm going to read/listen to all of that. His novel that came out last year, Meantime, was really really good. Its biggest flaw was that sometimes that characters and the narration sounded a bit too much like mouthpieces of Frankie Boyle's views and comedy material. But as a big fan of Frankie Boyle's views and comedy material, I loved every moment of it (it wasn't that big a flaw, the characters did still work as characters, it was actually a good novel in addition to having a lot of interesting/funny Boyle-esque views and comedy material and just being a great read).

So I'm very pleased that he's writing a new book. Obviously I'm going to listen to that podcast. If anyone likes Frankie Boyle but hasn't heard his audio collection The Promethiad, I recommend it very highly. I've seen and enjoyed all his stand-up DVDs (I've also heard the Lap of Shame show that he's advertising in this email, it's worth watching if anyone has the opportunity), I loved his New World Order Show, his era of Mock the Week is a big guilty pleasure for me, like I said his novel was brilliant, but I still think the stuff collected in The Promethiad is the best stuff Frankie Boyle's ever done. So of course I'm going to listen to his new podcast, pretty much no matter what it is. It could turn out to be a history of the baked apple pie or some shit and I'd still listen.

Obviously Whiskey in the Jar is a great song, but I don't know how anyone can talk about Killarney around Christmas and associate that with anything except this:

That's 1998. I saw that same band live in October 2022 and they were brilliant. This post isn't about the Barra MacNeils, but they're a wonderful band that made one of my favourite Christmas albums ever.

[samismusicjournal]

Ethel Cain’s “Preacher’s Daughter”

1. Family Tree (Intro)

This song is so cinematic, I love it. It’s a walking-in-slow-motion song and very badass. It’s a powerful elegy about generational trauma (”The Fates already fucked me sideways” meaning she was doomed from the start due to her circumstances).

2. American Teenager

A tonal and emotional shift from the previous song. Very fun and angsty.

3. A House in Nebraska

We really explore Ethel’s artful lyricism in this song. The images are so distinct. It’s a very mournful song that anyone going through a heartbreak would probably vibe with and cry to.

4. Western Nights

There’s a very desolate and resigned atmosphere to this song. It talks about being “in love” with someone with serious problems and red flags.

6. Hard Times

This is such a sad song about abuse. It has a similar resigned tone to Western Nights, like we’re experiencing the abuse in real time, just having to let it happen. It’s terrible to think that someone who you idolize and respect and love so much could hurt you so bad.

7. Thoroughfare

I love the folksy vibe this song has. It has a romantic western/rock feel to it. Oh my god I’m listening to it now and it’s quickly becoming one of my new favorite songs. It has the same adventurous and devil-may-care attitude that America’s Horse With No Name has.

8. Gibson Girl

This is another badass- sounding song, but this one is about the dark parts of her new relationship. She’s being objectified and drugged by someone she thought she could trust.

9. Ptolomaea

Instantly, I’m creeped out by this song. It is so doom-filled and foreboding, it sounds like the soundtrack to a nightmare.

10. August Underground

If what I’m reading is correct, Ethel is dying in this song, and she’s being held hostage by Isaiah. For not having any lyrics, this song sure does pack a disturbing punch. I recognized the title as the infamous snuff film, so it makes sense that the subject matter is so terrible.

11. Televangelism

What I read about this song is that it’s her ascension into Heaven after her brutal death.

12. Sun Bleached Flies

This was the first song I heard before listening to the album in its entirety. It came up on my Discover Weekly on Spotify, and I really liked it. Now, hearing it in the context of the album, it’s even more emotional. This is Ethel processing her traumatic journey. At the end of the song, she admits that she never stopped loving Willoughby, her first love.

13. Strangers

Isaiah takes Ethel out of the freezer and eats her, but she warns him that she will be “turning in his stomach and making him feel sick.” She also laments the fact that she will never get to see her mother until she gets to Heaven, and that her mother will “wait up” for her when Ethel appears on the side of a milk carton as a missing person.

Final Thoughts

This is a haunting story. It shows how people trapped in the cycle of abuse are more likely to find themselves in troubling situations. Although Cain’s demise of being cannibalized is a little extreme, it serves the album well by using the shock factor to make the listener pay attention. The whole story just makes your heart ache for her because all of her circumstances are so unfortunate, and none of them are really Ethel’s fault. Generation trauma that was handed down to her by her father’s abuse, her strict religious upbringing, losing her first love, losing her second love in a shootout, running away from home, and being betrayed by one of the only positive male influences in her life. I’m definitely going to do more research into the story of this album because I’m very intrigued by it. This was a great listening experience, although I would never have figured out any of the plot if it hadn’t been for the numerous articles and Genius annotations I read. I like when artists include little hints as to what’s going on in the story of their music, and Cain does a decent job of that (especially the part where she is cannibalized). However, the loss of her second lover in a shootout with the police after a robbery was not clear to me at all. Neither was the transition between her being drugged and her death. But knowing the story makes this album all the more enjoyable. I’m glad people online have come together to figure it all out. Will definitely be listening to Thoroughfare a lot over the next week at least!