#but what she still isn't understanding is that that money would make a huge difference to me

[monstermoviedean]

hahaha my boss' incompetence screwed me out of 2k and she's acting like it was my fault ha Ha HA

[ssahotchnerr]

Jack still sort of maintaining a relationship with Roy the first few years after Haley dies (Aaron thought it was important to maintain those connections for Jack even tho it hurt Aaron to do 😭 it was easy with Jess who he loves but SUCKED with Roy) but he gets extremely exclusionary once Ellie is born. Him being like “I will spend time with MY grandson who belonged to MY daughter but I will not be wasting my time, energy, and money on a child you’ve had with another woman. A child who – might I point out – would not have been born if you stayed married to my daughter and didn’t get her killed in the first place.”

Aaron being pissed on Ellie’s behalf (and his feelings are hurt tbh) and you being pissed on both of their behalfs. But, unexpectedly, Hc that Jack overheard this conversation and basically says to Aaron the next time Roy wants to take him somewhere (Aaron didn’t want to make HIM feel bad on top of everything else by banning him from seeing his grandfather, so he was gonna let him go), “I don’t want to spend time with grandpa Roy if he’s gonna be mean to Ellie. Thank you, but I’ll stay here.” SUCH A GOOD BIG BROTHERRRRR you and Aaron are so proud 🥺❤️

OHHH MY GOD??

roy just completely refuses to acknowledge that ellie exists 😭

it happened right from the start: when aaron shared the two of you were expecting, roy brushed it off, muttering something incoherently in response. after she's born, aaron invites him over for family dinners, he refuses to come. he's invited to ellie's first, second, third birthday party, doesn't come. every time he comes over, he acts like he's never seen her before. disregarding her completely.

it becomes very clear very fast that he wants to spend time with jack and jack only. as much as aaron hates to admit it, in a way, he understands. roy's bitter about what happened to haley, so this was somewhat expected. it's a different situation that's hard to navigate - ellie isn't related to him, so if roy doesn't want to bring her along to places, whatever, aaron's not going to force roy to do anything. the issue is what an issue it is. how ellie is being treated.

it's more of a problem when ellie is a bit older, and wants to tag along with jack wherever he goes. she just wants to be included 🥺 sweet ellie simply says hi when roy comes over to pick up jack, he ignores her. the next time, she draws him a picture, and he doesn't accept it.

aaron gently confronts him, and that's when roy brings up haley and how this child is a disgrace to her. imagine he full-on admits he wishes she never existed?? 😭 ellie's a product of what happened to haley, he'll never forgive aaron for getting her killed, so he'll never accept this child's existence. she shouldn't exist.

that angers aaron and he starts going off - ellie is a part of this family, whether you like it or not. and fine, you don't have to love her (saying that SHATTERS aaron's heart) but do not treat her like she's nothing. aaron won't let that stand.

it starts a huge argument 🥺 roy refuses speak to aaron, except when it comes to arranging his time with jack, and the conversation is very short at that. he doesn't speak much to you either (never has). again in his eyes - you're haley's replacement. jack's new "mom"

and it's especially sad because ellie knows about haley too :( - not the story, but the simple, good things: jack has another mommy, she's not here with us anymore but you can talk to her with a candle. haley has never been a avoided topic in the house, she's encouraged. and so ellie loves haley in her own way :( so to call her a disgrace in haley's name?? when she's also keeping haley's memory alive? :((((

you feel awful. you know how hurt aaron is but he doesn't allow himself to show it. he hates talking about it, and he's always in a mood whenever roy's with jack. you feel awful for your daughter who doesn't know what's going on. you feel awful for jack who's taking an unnecessary weight on his shoulders in terms of this too.

ellie's confused and upset, this is the first person who's ever shown her unkindness. aaron gently tries to explain, but also, how do you explain this to a toddler? so he simply apologizes and scoops her up into his arms and holds her close :( he feels awful, and as if he's failing her in someway. this is "his fault", isn't it? 😭

so if roy's taking jack out, aaron or you, or both combined, take ellie out for the day to do something fun. or try to keep jack heading out on the down-low. it sucks, you still both encourage jack to spend time with his grandfather - maintaining that important relationship - even though it's exceedingly complicated behind the scenes.

and jack, being the sweet sensitive kid he is, picks up on the tension immediately. and he's torn 🥺 he wants to appease his grandfather, knows what he's doing isn't right, but also doesn't want to betray his little sister, letting behavior like this continue. he feels guilty :( he takes the initiative and brings it up to roy himself, asking if ellie can come with them someday, like to the zoo or to a movie. but roy's pretty level-headed and his mind is made up - absolutely no ellie.

so jack gets really upset :( he gets home one day and cries about it :((( you're trying to console him, as is aaron (who's close to tears himself), and ellie wanders over :( she gets sad whenever jack is sad :( and while she has no idea what's going on exactly, she just buries herself right up into jack's side as he's crying. to comfort him too 🥺🫶🏻

overall it's a reallyyyy messy situation, one that you can only hope resolves with time :(

[myreygn]

kny modern au - characters: hashira

includes: gyomei, tengen, giyuu, sanemi, obanai, kanae, kyojuro, mitsuri, shinobu, muichiro

HUGE thanks and shout out to @giggly-squiggily and @trans-ace-lee for their contributions to this au and indulging my brainrots ♡

inspiration was taken from the german school system because that's what i grew up and am most familiar with:

ages 2-6 (flexible, not mandatory): kindergarten

ages 6-10 (grades 1-4): elementary school

ages 10/11-16/17 (grades 5-10): "secondary school", the diploma qualifies you for an education outside of university (craft sector, social sector etc)

ages 16/17-18/19 (grades 11-12): "upper school", the diploma qualifies you for university

¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸¸¸♫·¯·♪¸¸♩·¯·♬¸¸

Himejima Gyomei (27, theology major)

grew up in a buddhist orphanage after his parents gave him up because they were ableist idiots who didn't want to raise a blind child

had a very happy childhood, has never been adopted and isn't upset about it in the slightest

went on a spiritual journey for five years after school and wrote a bestseller book about it

started going to university at age 23, helps out at the orphanage whenever he can

has a seeing-eye dog named Curry (a four year old black labrador and the only being on earth he would kill for, he got her when he returned from his journey)

can afford his own flat and lives right next to the orphanage with Curry

advocate for a more inclusive university life and very active in groups fighting for disability rights, both on and off campus

Uzui Tengen (23, music major)

was somewhat of a public figure from a very young age because the Uzui clan is one the richest, most powerful families in the country and everyone in town knows who they are

always hated his parents and moved out at 18, got a small fortune (that's rich people slang for a ton of money, source: trust me) from a cool uncle and used it to open a night club which is very popular with the locals

has no contact to his siblings (even tho he'd like to) and avoids all of his dad's properties like the plague

started going to university at age 20 because he wanted to do something with his passion

plays a bunch of instruments (piano, harp, guitar, violin, shamizen, koto and like ten different types of flute)

lives with his girlfriends in an almost-a-mansion and throws the best partys anyone has ever been to

Tomioka Giyuu (21, philosophy major)

his parents died when he was three years old and him and his sister went through foster care until she came off age and became his legal guardian, they're super close

has been studying several martial arts at Urokodaki's dojo since he was in elementary school

picked philosophy as a major because he had no idea what else to do but it's actually fun??

he mostly just sits in the back and draws stick figures but once a week he'll say something that makes everyone rethink their entire life (no one really understands what's happening inside his head but his professors are convinced he's a genius)

teaches little kids in the dojo because Urokodaki thinks it'd be good for him, he's slowly warming up to it

the type of peanut allergy where his throat closes up at the sight of them, when they were in fifth grade Sanemi almost killed him because he didn't know about it and it delayed their friendship by roughly two years

Shinazugawa Sanemi (21, physics major)

abusive pos dad got stabbed when he was ten, helped his mom raise his younger siblings and is super close with all of them

moved out at 20 when his mom encouraged him to spend more time at university, roommates with Obanai, Giyuu and Sabito

colorblind from birth and dysgraphic when it comes to handwriting, uses recording devices and laptops in class

used to get into a lot of fights in school and still works on not doing that™, most people think he's scary and a delinquent (and also a murderer because it's kinda sus that none of the family members showed up at their dad's funeral)

biker, the motorcycle has wind art on it and he mostly uses it to pick up the tons of children that somehow snuck into his friend circle and take Kanae on drives, loves bringing his guitar to play her something in the moonlight

suffered through school for the most part, a new teacher (Kagaya) in tenth grade inspired him to finish "upper school" and study physics

loves Gyomei's dog like a daughter

Kocho Kanae (21, biology major)

lives with her family and has no plans of moving out until she finishes university, helps a ton in the household

the best big sister ever, drives all of her sisters and their friends around and picks them up at 3am when they're stranded somewhere (also doesn't pretend to hate it, unlike certain other older siblings with their own vehicles)

has always been into gardening and is really getting into permaculture, puts plants wherever she can and loves flowers

most of her cooking ingredients are from her own garden, vegetarian (everything she cooks or bakes will be the best thing you ever ate)

has the voice of an angel, Sumi, Kiyo and Naho refuse to go to bed without her singing them a lullaby

christmas is her favorite time of the year, she goes all out with planning the festivities and getting everyone gifts and needs three whole days to recharge afterwards

has to wear a biteguard when she's stressed because she'll start clenching her teeth in her sleep and works really hard to keep it a secret from everyone

Iguro Obanai (21, philosophy major)

somewhat of a local legend, not by his own doing but by people just making shit up about him

grew up in a cult of which all the members were killed in a fire with him being the only survivor and a huge news story all across the country at age 12

moved to another city as soon as he was old enough to start anew but the rumors follow him everywhere (and it doesn't help that he talks to his snake)

mostly annoyed by the rumors but also likes to use them to scare people of who are being super pushy or harassing his friends (that's the first time in his life he found friends, he can and will commit atrocious crimes on their behalf)

originally enrolled in zoology, then switched majors when the professors wanted to use Kaburamaru as a test subject

spends his time in philosophy class taking a stance against whatever Giyuu says and has an entire folder filled with essays criticizing his statements

always carries headphones with him, listens to lofi because he likes it, mcr because he feels it in his soul and doom metal solely to fuck with tengen ("Screaming is not music!")

Rengoku Kyojuro (20, history major)

still lives at home with his dad and brother because he didn't want to leave Senjuro behind, spends most of his time out of the house tho and is looking for a flat right now

works parttime at a restaurant that's called Umainia and his friends have yet to figure out whether he says "Umai" all the time because he likes his food or to advertise his work place

slightly hearing impaired, has hearing aids prescribed that he just forgets to put in at all times

doesn't have a driver's license, goes by bike everywhere no matter the weather

gets close to people easily, is well beloved amongst Senjuro's friends and also makes an effort to get to know them so he can be sure Senjuro's in good hands

regularly forgets people's names but never their birthdays

collects old books and learned a bunch of old languages just to be able to read them

Kanroji Mitsuri (19, art major)

still lives at home because she wants to stay with her family and help take care of her siblings, also claims that she had invested too much time in her room to just leave it behind (her room looks like every cool fluffy fairy core room you have ever seen on pinterest, it's the coziest place on earth)

if there's a sanrio themed version of stuff she needs, she's getting it, no questions asked.

slightly allergic to dogs, she doesn't care though and cuddles with Curry all the time, she calls it confrontation therapy (it works)

animal lover in general, she even built a little terrarium in her room so Kaburamaru has a comfy spot for his naps when Obanai stays over

has kept every drawing she ever made and sometimes looks through them for inspiration, also likes to track her progress that way

there's a coffee shop across the street from her house where she has been customer of the month every month consistently for four years as well as an honorary mention ever since she was six

Kocho Shinobu (18, student)

in her last year of school and likely about to graduate with a perfect score

founder and president of the first aid club, also head of the student council and an active member on every committee the school has to offer

recently got her driver's license but keeps it a secret so she doesn't have to play chauffeur for her sisters

effectively avoids getting asked out for dates by being very scary™ (and taking jiu jitsu classes since elementary school), she's also your go to person when creepy weirdos won't leave you alone

loves cooking with her sisters and often shares her own recipes with Kanao, she also has her own little corner in Kanae's garden where she plants stuff that she uses to make her own medicine

has a lot on her plate with school and her clubs and some volunteer stuff she does here and there, so she goes to the local animal shelter once a week to cuddle and play with the cats and dogs there, it's her little safe zone to unwind and she doesn't tell anyone about it

the biggest fan of psychological thrillers you will ever meet

Tokito Muichiro (14, student)

in eighth grade and no one knows how he did it but everyone suspects that his brother took at least some of his exams in his place

he's not bad at school per se but he just can't memorize stuff, you're lucky if he knows your name after sitting next to each other for six months

is a member of the cooking club tho and absolutely thriving there, he never goes by recipe and creates the most delicious things but he won't tell anyone his secret ingredients because he can't remember them either

absolutely loves visiting his friends' houses, he's so happy seeing how their rooms reflect them

followed Yuichiro everywhere all throughout elementary school, then made his first friend in fifth grade (Tanjiro of course) and has been getting more and more independent ever since

constantly misses bus stops or takes trains in the wrong direction and is always late because of it, however he has also acquired an extensive knowledge of the town and can give you directions to pretty much everywhere

tries his very best to remember his friends' birthdays but forgets his own every year because it just kinda slips his mind that he has the same birthday as Yuichiro

[emiliosandozsequence]

what scifi media do you like?

OH ANON I HAVE SO MANY. i'm so glad you asked 💕💕💕 (tagging @gorydean too so she sees 💕💕💕)

gotta start first and foremost with the sparrow series by mary doria russell as my blog is basically just a shrine to it at this point. amazing book and definitely recommend it if you love found family, first contact, trauma, tragedy, and the abandonment of the faithful by g-d. huge massive trigger warning tho. everyone says the second book isn't as good as the first, but i completely disagree. i think they're bitg equally as good as each other; the second book just takes awhile to get to the most insanity inducing parts whereas the first one starts out strong with that and keeps going until the end of the story.

i would have more books to recommend, but i've only just started REALLY getting back into reading after several years of not reading as much due to a variety of reasons (mostly trauma and chronic and mental illness). that being said, i have an insane amount of films to give you to watch instead of books.

gotta recommend my all time fav film (or one of the two anyway), the fountain. most people...don't like this movie because they think it's hard to understand and doesn't make sense towards the end (i had to watch it several times to get it), but please please please watch it. it's a beautiful film both visually and plotwise as long as you give it a chance 💕

sound of my voice is softer in terms of scifi, but still definitely scifi. it's another film that lets you decide what to believe. it's also another film people tend not to like for whatever reason, but i think it's extremely well done and the ending is so 💕💕💕💕💕💕

cloud atlas. very much a story in the same vein as the fountain taking place over different timelines. another beautifully done story about how everything and everyone is connected throughout space and time. ofc my fav timelines are the ones with robert frobisher and sonmi-451. i do also recommend the book, but i liked the film better because of a few of the changes they made.

sunshine is one of my fav films ever and i've loved it since i was in high school and first saw it. it reminds me a lot of three body problem in the sense that antagonist (idk if i would exactly call him a villain even tbh) is using g-d as a reason for the things he's doing. there's a few deleted scenes i wish they'd kept in because it really emphasizes this, but even so, this film is gorgeous in so many ways.

i origins. if u can't tell already i'm a huge brit marling fan and i think this is one of her best stories. again: you get to choose what to believe and you really have to watch the whole film for the pay off, but it is so very much worth it. i think i've actually only ever watched this film once, tho idk why bc it's genuinely one of my favs.

looper is another film that idk why more people weren't into it. the setting is dystopian. i was trying to think of a way to explain it in a few short sentences like i have the rest of the films here, but it's one of those films also that i think going into it knowing nothing is better. the kid who plays the rainmaker is so fucking good too. he's not even 10, but he played that role perfectly.

elysium. EVERYONE KNOWS DISTRICT 9 BUT NO ONE KNOWS ELYSIUM. i stand by my opinion that this film would be infinitely better if diego luna were the main character instead of matt damon, but even so i really love this film. the score is gorgeous. also lmao we for real might be living in this universe soon if elon fixes up that space hotel he wants to do fucking rip

ender's game. the author is a homophobic and transphobic dickwad who actively gives his money to anti-lgbt organizations, so watch this for free if you can (and buy the books second hand), but i actually really enjoyed what they did with this film. a lot of people thought it was too rushed, but also like....ender's game is a very Dense book, so i understand why they did it the way they did it. also the score is amazing.

signs. another film involving g-d and religion seen through the lens of scifi and first contact. this film gets shit on a ton for reasons i do not know, but it's actually really well done. it scared the ever living shit out of me the first few times i saw it tho bc i did Not grow up watching horror.

knowing. another film involving g-d and religion seen through the lens of scifi and first contact (can you tell i have a type of film/media i like???). this film also scared the ever living shit out of me when i first saw it to the point i had to sleep with the lights on, but in all actuality it isn't scary at all (i was just 14 and had never seen a thriller before lol). i really love disaster films tbh, but this is one of my all time favs (next to greenland).

another earth i did not like when i first saw it. i thought the whole thing was kind of pointless and didn't make very much sense, but the more i've thought about it since then, the more i've understood it. funnily enough, i never watched it a second time, but it's brit marling, so i probably will eventually. again: definitely recommend.

lucy. listen i know this has scarlett johansson in it and none of us like her, but this film is good despite her. i thought it was going to be dumb as hell when i first saw it, but i actually ended up liking it so much that it's heavily inspired the next novel i'm planning on writing (a scifi space opera about a girl becoming g-d).

origami. okay this one is difficult to find and you WILL have to buy it if you want to watch it (trust me: i have searched FAR and wide for this film in any other place and vimeo is the ONLY place i found it; it's only $5 to rent on there tho), but it's so worth it. it's worth it. it's one of my fav films and i watched it purely because of francois arnaud and i'm glad i did. this literally is his best work imo.

ink is my all time hands down favorite film. idk if you would even call it scifi, but i love it so much i just wanted to talk about it. it very obviously had zero budget, but they used what little money they had VERY wisely and the result was this beautiful film. the story makes me sob every single time. actually it's quite similar to origami, so if you like one, you'll probably like the other.

tron: legacy is another film that people shit on and idk why. it has The Best religious imagery. like how are you going to top one of the programs falling to their knees in prayer as flynn passes by????? the whole thing seems to be a jesus/judas metaphor anyway and i'm crazy for that shit. gotta mention the score as always because daft punk knocked it out of the park (people shit on the score too and i really don't get why).

thelma. i watched this one a whim with a friend and i cannot recommend it enough. i feel like it was kind of popular on here when it first came out bc it's a sapphic film, but it's also just very good in general. i've seen people get super upset about it also bc their interpretation makes it lesbophobic (which is crazy to me but whatever.

melancholia. i did Not like this movie for the longest time, but then i watched it recently and finally Got it. i guess you really do have to be a certain level of depressed to understand this film, so if you're insanely suicidal and can barely function like me, then i recommend it. you will probably get some catharsis out of it like i did. it is a very Strange film tho.

the creator came out at the end of last year and it was so good. definitely my fav film to come out in the last few years and involves g-d, religion, and AI. the score also in this is great (everybody say thank you hans zimmer. again.). the ending makes me sob so much.

more that i love a lot, but not as much (apparently there's a character limit, so i can't explain why these are my favs too, but it's for similar reasons as above).

the matrix trilogy

the fifth element

snowpiercer

blade runner 2049

as for tv shows, i don't have as many, but i do have a few that i would highly recommend if you like any of the films above:

halo. again: everyone shits on this show, but the absolute TRAGEDY of it is the fanboys hate it bc they suck and are bigots and everyone else who would like it (LIKE MY MUTUALS) refuses to give it a chance because of its overall reputation, so i'm BEGGING YOU GUYS TO GIVE IT A CHANCE.

foundation. genuinely fucking good. so much of what the creators of this show have done to change the story has been for the better. i read the books and they were okay, but the show is so so good. idk when season 3 will be coming out, but hopefully soon (same for halo, which i actually like better than this show).

the oa. i will forever mourn what we could've had with this show. i can't even talk about it without getting choked up. this getting canceled really truly fucked me up.

castle rock season 1. technically a horror series, but this season is more scifi than horror, i think. everything really comes to a head in episode 9 iirc and that episode still makes me crazy when i think about it. i definitely need to do a rewatch.

firefly/serenity. you've probably heard this one recommended before, but there's a reason for that. it's really so good, but g-d and jesus hate me because it too was canceled before it could even finish ONE SEASON. thankfully there's a film that kind of ties everything together, but WE COULD'VE HAD SO MUCH MORE.

i tried to put in some movies that aren't talked about as much on here!! i also have several letterboxd lists dedicated purely to scifi, which you can find below.

holy holy holy (scifi (and other films) involving religious imagery or straight up just about theology

the sparrow cinematic universe (films that are either discussed in the sparrow or remind me of it or that i could see the main characters watching)

but it was my body. it was my blood. and it was my love. (films that i either genuinely believe could be based off of the sparrow or just remind me of it in some way)

per aspera ad astra (scifi films i have seen or heard of. this literally is every single scifi film i remember ever in existence so it's quite long)

also mainstream scifi that i recommend/am obsessed with

interstellar

dune series (wer'e talking about the books here; not whatever the fuck denis villenueve pulled with the films lmao)

district 9

annihilation/southern reach trilogy

ex machina

prometheus

pacific rim

arrival

event horizon

mad max: fury road

nope

mobile suit gundam series (mostly hathaway and g-witch tho)

star wars (mostly the prequel and sequel trilogies)

nausicaa of the valley of the wind

castle in the sky

inception

tenet

high life

aldnoah zero

hanna

real steel

86: eighty-six

this is so much longer than i meant it to be omg. anyway people do not call me the scifi queen for no reason.

[spirithunts]

» — ⌜AHRI, K/DA AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH FAME AND THE MUSIC INDUSTRY⌟ 

i mentioned it briefly before that i don't believe ahri is happy with her fame and that she is definitely depressed in the k/da universe, so i wanted to elaborate on that. this is basically an overview of her background, career and where she is as of now — all according to my portrayal, of course.

ahri's career started as a teenager, as the bio of her popstar skin states. on her debut, she hit the top 100 with all 5 songs she released, becoming a huge success from the start. one of her lines talks about her trainee days being behind her, so i imagine her label somehow found her, she was a trainee for a few years, and debuted still as a teen. but her bio in this skin is also the first to point out her unhappiness.

Discovered by her record label when she was still a teen, Ahri took the music world by storm when her first five singles hit the Top 100, winning Most Talented New K-pop Artist at the 2013 Pop Shine Awards. She's been stealing hearts and sweeping awards ever since. However, underneath that perfect exterior, Ahri is feeling trapped by increasing demands…

as the last line states, despite the success and apparent perfection of her life and career, ahri wasn't happy as an idol. it makes sense, given there is an overwhelming amount of pressure with, as stated, ever-increasing demands. but the fact she was feeling trapped also suggests to me it wasn't just all the things people wanted from her; it was that, forced to fit into this perfect mold, her music lost its purpose. the way i see it, music is a means for her to express herself.

by demanding more and more of her, her label (and manager) took that away to make her fit into something that would sell well, and slowly took away her freedom in every sense. harmonies shows that around this period she had people controlling everything she did, including what her songs should be like in order to sell, something she was clearly unhappy with

it also extends to her looks and overall image, which she outright states isn't her (and in a really gross way going beyond outfits and such and into controlling what she's eating, as implied when her manager refuses to let her eat one cookie 🙃). basically, she hates it here (and only put up with it in the hopes she'd get to do what she wanted and share her music, eventually)

and that, of course, was how she started to resent her fame and success, but also a defining factor in her depressive state. i think she naturally leans to melancholy, to an extent, be it by virtue of her powers and how attuned to everyone's feelings she is most of the time and how that weighs on her, as well as the struggles about being too close to people and the lack of normalcy in her life (from her need to feed on people's spirit essence to the fact she remembers her past lives), or just because it's the way she is. in this situation, deprived of what she loved about what she was doing and forced to present herself with a perfect image that was entirely fake, that was definitely made worse.

and yet, ahri puts up with it for a while, considering she only breaks her contract after starting to plan to form k/da with eve. when she does, though, it's because she not only realizes this isn't what she wants, it also won't lead her to working with music the way she wanted from the start. when she says she'll break her contract, eve points out it'll be losing a lot of money, as well as a sure path to a big and safe career. but ahri's reply shows that she eventually understood this isn't the right path for her because she doesn't care for that. it's not why she started making music. and i feel that realization and understanding, as well as how certain she is of what she's doing, also show how that decision already makes a huge difference for her to feel freer and just... better than she was before.

the comic doesn't elaborate on what led her there, but given her friendship with eve and the fact eve is the first one ahri would've told about intending to break her contract, i imagine she definitely influenced it - maybe even with something of a direct effort, after seeing ahri get progressively worse and more lifeless with how things were going, though their conversation also suggests eve didn't try to push her a certain way, and rather let her find her own path and make herself free.

ahri's k/da bio states there was a five year hiatus between popstar and k/da, but i follow the comic timeline because i think it makes more sense. therefore, she debuted and went on to become a successful idol, working as a soloist for 3 years before deciding to break her contract and form k/da with eve. the 'hiatus' (which wasn't quite a hiatus because she was working on k/da, even if the media didn't know about it at the time) on her career lasted 2/3 years before k/da finally made its debut. and i think ahri loved this time period of working on her music, collaborating with such creative and bold artists and just. doing the things she wanted to do. no matter how they clashed (and i imagine they did! harmonies hints at it with ahri's insistence at rerecording the chorus of a song multiple times because it isn't as good as it should be, until akali questions doing that again and they end up taking a break, but it's akali's conversation with sera that really suggests they disagree and clash at times — which is seen as a positive thing, and honestly, is how ahri would see it too.

she didn't make a group to boss around and say yes to everything she wanted. she made a group to work together, strengthen each other's voices, add their own essence to the things they create together to make something truly special and unique. which is why both when akali and sera return, and when she sees them leaving, it's obvious she isn't really angry. her perfectionism definitely would lead to frustration, her own and that of the rest of the group, but that's just another reason why the group is so important to her — with them, she has people she trusts to tell her off when she's being too demanding, or to offer a new perspective when she's being nitpicky. ahri knows that. which is why no matter how frustrated she may have been initially, after taking a moment to breathe she can admit akali was right and embrace her suggestion.

but going back to the timeline: k/da's debut with pop/stars. her bio doesn't say much more that i haven't talked about: she wanted to change, to leave behind a persona that wasn't her, to make music for the reasons she loved making music, and that led her to form k/da and to them making pop/stars.

Setting her old bubblegum pop persona aside, Ahri was determined to shake up her image and reinvent herself as an unstoppable force within the music industry. Five years later, she has returned with a sleek new look and a killer sound—and this time she's not alone.

all out also doesn't expand further, instead highlighting what i said before. their differences are seen as a strength, as something that allows them to work together bringing their best to the table to craft something unique. i think the most significant part to the bio there is not her work with the band, but rather the brief mention of their friendship.

When Ahri steps onto the stage to perform with K/DA, she knows she's surrounded by the best of the best—different women with different personalities, all at the top of their craft. As their leader and as their friend, Ahri is poised to guide these divas to even greater heights and leave their audiences breathless for more.

i just think that also highlights k/da is special to her for more than the music. although we don't get much about her relationship with the girls other than eve (although with akali at least the comic establishes there's a mutual respect and fondness there, with ahri even being physically close to kali, resting her hands on her shoulder and all... so maybe the issue is just kaisa adsuhfsudhf). they are her friends; honestly, i'd say family, even. and while music played a part in their bond being formed, it goes beyond that. i think k/da impacts her positively not just due to the creative aspect and how she's pursuing music on her own terms, but because they're her family, her safety network, the people who know her and love her and can call her out for her flaws but would give her all the support in the world when she needs it. and i think that's definitely a reason why she's less depressed. she's still prone to melancholy, and i wouldn't say she's entirely better (and there's still a lot about her career that is. part of the music industry and she despises and that definitely affects her mental health). but the girls definitely help her not feel as hopeless and just. generally make her happier.

but to end the essay because this is getting too long, i wanted to talk about popstars and i'll show you. for the first one, it's really just that visually, it also references ahri's past as a teen popstar and her letting go of it — being 'cleansed' of it, in a way, with the uniform in the laundry and all that, which makes sense considering she deeply hates that period of her life

but it's the all out era that really makes it very explicit with her song. i think the lyrics in i'll show you are very obvious in what they're about. wanna be myself, wanna leave this hell is very plain in describing how she feels and her pursuit for really doing what she wants, finding her freedom and her path, and how she felt before being able to do that. the chorus is a bit more positive in the suggestion even though she struggles, she endures and even thrives. and the visuals in the mv really complement that, i think (ahri's own appearance in it, and how downcast/melancholic she is all throughout the video).

this woman is obviously depressed kajdnfjkasdnf

and that's heavily tied to how she feels about fame and the industry since the early years of her career. ahri makes music because she loves music. she does it to express herself, and to elevate others and to pursue more. but being successful and famous sucks. she struggles with the expectations and demands still, even if there's no manager fucking up her life. even if she did strive to reinvent herself, i don't think ahri freed herself entirely of this mentality that's just. too deeply ingrained in her by now. she is still trying to make things perfect, but she's not happy with it. she loves to create with k/da, but she despises the pressure everyone else is always putting on them (always about making new things, always questioning when there'll be a comeback, scrutinizing and comparing their works, always almost wanting them to fail, like the newspaper with the 'one hit wonders?' headline suggests)

the song also talks about how hard on herself she is, but i think it's uh. very obvious in talking about depression when it says not only that, but talking about forgetting your worth and struggling to see it while demanding a lot from yourself, and complementing that it'll be okay because she knows she 'can make it out those days' like. this woman is depressed idk what to add i think it's just so obvious in what she's singing there. 'you know the darker the day the more you'll shine', and 'don't let those moments outweigh all other times'... it makes it very evident how much she struggles, and how things often aren't well, but also that she's fighting and trying to go on and remember things won't always be bad like that. there are bright spots (eve, akali and kaisa definitely help with that!).

and by the end of the song, when it says something like 'you don't have to be afraid (and i'm not, cause today) + the chorus again' reinforces that, also with the visuals and the 'prison' thing she was in blooming into a sort of lotus shaped thing and just. i think all of it shows really clearly that ahri struggles greatly with these issues, and the way she feels about her life being scrutinized as someone famous, or her work being constantly picked apart by people who want her to fail, or how people expect you to just do something safe and untrue no matter how you feel about it because that's what makes you successful and famous and rich... she might make it look easy, being always perfectly poised and knowing just how to charm any audience, but in truth she actually really hates the being a celebrity part of things, and it definitely deeply affects her mentally/emotionally.

[joezworld]

The Headboard [Shitpost]

So, I just want to preface this with: I'm probably sorry for this.

That being said, I put 45 whole minutes into this, so it's not like I can't post it.

Also, the art is by the very wonderful [NAME REDACTED], who definitely doesn't want their name associated with this.

(This image is here so the joke isn't spoiled by tumblr embedding the first image in the post in links. Also so I don't have to look at it.)

----

Tidmouth, Present Day

It started innocently enough. 

A “Twitch Streamer” - someone who played video games live on the internet - had contacted the railway, asking if it would be possible to charter a train. He explained that he was planning to do a live event with his fans, and as most of the video games he played were about trains, it seemed like a “fun idea” to do so while onboard a real train.

While it may seem unusual for a media personality to charter a train, on Sodor this wasn’t exactly unusual. Money was money, and trains were often chartered for sporting events, railtours, and film and television productions; while it was for a different media spectrum than usual, the NWR didn’t see anything wrong with operating a single charter train for him. 

They even did their due diligence, consulting some of the younger members of staff. to make sure that this individual hadn’t done or said something morally reprehensible, and that his content wasn’t something shocking or provocative.

It should be noted that, while incredibly tech savvy, the specific youths that the head office inquired to (which included Richard Hatt’s own children) had never actually heard about this particular “streamer” before. As a result, they did some cursory searches of his available videos, and watched a few of his live streams. 

Nothing that they saw stood out to them, but that was because they didn’t know where to look. 

--

A few weeks later

The box showed up with the post only a day before the charter was to take place. The charter would have its own special headboard, and the streamer had had one made specially for the service, so its timely arrival was a relief. 

“-eard about it,” Said one of the fitters, as he carried the box into the sheds the next morning. “From my nephew, he watches ‘im. Said it was some sort of collaboration video with a bloke who does metal forging online. Certainly feels heavy enough.”

“Looks big enough too.” Siobhan followed him through the door. “We might have to mount it up high.” 

Henry rolled his eyes hugely. Of course Gordon had been selected to do the Charter, and he’d been as insufferable as ever for the last few days. “Must you do this while I’m still here?” He yawned. “It’s too early to hear him go on and on about fitment.”

Gordon had apparently not been asleep, as Henry had thought. “Henry, if you are indeed so bothered by the early hour, maybe consider not taking the Flying Kipper? I’m sure Marina would be honored to take it more often.”

“How dare you-”

“Oi!” Siobhan shouted. They’re a hundred years old an’ yet I still have to mother them. “You, shut up. You, don’t encourage him.” She pointed to each engine in turn. “We’ve got to make ‘im spic and span in time for this shite, so no arguin’. Understand?” 

Ominous threats were left unsaid, and Gordon and Henry quickly shut up. 

Behind Siobhan, there was the sound of tearing cardboard, and then a confused “Eh?” 

“What?” 

“That’s an… odd choice of, well everything to be honest.” 

She looked in the box. “Isn’t that a… burger chain or something?”

“I think so.” The man turned his head as he pulled the headboard out of the box. “Why’s it on a headboard? An’ what does that word mean?” 

“I don’ know.” She reached into a pocket and pulled out her cell phone. “Ah, great, no service. Fuckin’ Vodaphone.”

“No wifi?” 

“It’s on the fritz, an’ IT works normal hours.” She turned to Gordon and Henry, who were steadfastly pretending that they weren’t curious. “You two know what this means?”

Henry laughed to himself. “No, but what a… jaunty colourscheme that is.” 

Gordon glared at him. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It looks silly! The letters look like they belong in a cartoon or somesuch!”

“But what does it mean, Henry? You don’t know anything?!” Gordon was indignant.

“I haven’t the slightest clue, but I assume that this is some kind of in-joke for whoever is chartering the train.” 

“A joke?! Siobhan! I will not be party to someone else’s sense of humour! Have Henry take this train!” 

By now, most of the shed was awake, and Gordon was promptly drowned out by his ever-so-supportive friends. 

“Oh no! You spent all week going on and on about this train!”

“You’re not getting out of it that easily, Gordon.”

“What’s this? Karmic retribution for how much of a pain in the buffers you’ve been? On Sodor? Who could’ve predicted that?”

“Well I certainly am not taking it.” 

“Och! Ye canno’ take a feckin in’ernet joke? Wha’ kind of a stick in tha mud are you?”

“Just wear the damn headboard!”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure your picture won’t be spread far and wide on the internet or anything!”

Gordon turned a bright shade of red and wheeshed steam at them all, which did absolutely nothing except make them louder and more insistent that he take the train. 

Biting her lip to keep from laughing at the engine’s absurdly angry expression, Siobhan helped the fitter put a ladder next to Gordon so he could mount the headboard at the top of the firebox. 

“If this turns out to be some obscene prank,” Gordon stared at them through narrowed eyes. “I will make it my mission in life to make you regret it.” 

“Good wit’ that, Bluey.”

----------

Later

The cleaners came and went in a flurry of polish and rags, and Gordon sparkled from end to end whether he liked it or not. Not a person he asked knew anything about the headboard, which only made him more suspicious that someone was keeping something from him. 

“I promise you that we’re not.” The Fat Controller had made his way over to the sheds at the urging of everyone who had spoken to Gordon that morning. “I assure you that this person is merely an… internet personality. If this is a joke, it’s harmless.”  

“But sir!” Gordon protested. “Nobody is even willing to find out! What if this is all just a joke?”

Stephen smiled kindly. “Nobody can look anything up right now - someone in Suddery was doing some digging last night and cut through a major communications cable - half the Island has no telephone or internet service today, us included.”

“Well, that doesn’t ch-”

“And, if it is a joke, even one at your expense, I expect you to be pleasant and composed for the railtour like the express engine you are.” He finished firmly. “If that is the case, we will deal with it as it comes, and you can tell me that you were right until you are blue in the face. Understand?” 

“Yes sir.” 

“Excellent. The train boards at nine sharp, and I expect you to be as pleasant as you possibly can be.”

Behind him, there was a murmur of “that’s expecting a lot, isn’t it?”, but the culprit was too stone-faced to be picked out of a lineup, despite dual glares from man and engine. 

----------

Eight Thirty. 

Gordon collected the train from the coach yard, and pulled into the platform with all of his considerable grace and pomposity on display. He was serene, he was calm, he was not the butt of someone’s-

“Oh” Two platforms over, Tornado stared, not at him, but up, at the board, looking for all the world like someone had smacked her upside the smokebox with a heavy object. 

“What.” He said, his fears instantly solidifying, and then transforming into anger. 

“Oh no.” She said, not paying any attention. 

Before anything else could be said, Donald rattled through the station, a heavy stone train from the Little Western trailing behind him. Tornado’s guard blew his whistle and waved his flag as the hoppers rolled by, and before Gordon could ask her what was wrong, she left in a great hurry.

His scowl formed and then instantly deepened. I have been made a fool of.  

He stayed this way, simmering angrily for almost ten minutes before Siobhan came out, a trainee fireman in tow. She walked down the platform, explaining the specifics of main line firing to the young man, before realizing that he’d stopped dead in his tracks. “Somethin’ wrong lad?”

“You do know what that means?” He said, blushing scarlet. 

“I knew it!” Gordon whistled angrily. “It is an obscene joke! What does it mean?! Out with it, boy!” 

The young man went pale underneath his blush, and shook his head back and forth in terror. “Oh no, no no no, no way.”

Siobhan wasn’t sure if she should be upset at the apparent obscenity, or in stitches at the idea of it happening to Gordon of all engines. “Lad, seriously, wha’ is it?” 

“I’m not saying it at work.” He said in a small voice. 

Gordon looked thunderous, and Siobhan decided that the headboard needed to come off before anything else was said. 

Of course, this was Sodor, and trouble reared its head at exactly this moment. 

The charter train was quite short, and Gordon was somewhat further back in the station than he ordinarily would be. This meant that when Oliver puffed in with a passenger train from the Little Western, he stopped ahead of Gordon on the platform. His passengers disembarked, streaming out of Dulcie and Isabel towards the stairways for the under-platform tunnels. 

It was half term, so quite a few young people were on the train, and as they walked down the platform, they all did the same thing: they looked at Gordon, looked at his headboard, looked at the platform or their phone, then quite violently looked back at the headboard. Some even stopped in place, and one girl just barely managed to stifle a shriek that otherwise would’ve echoed throughout the station building. 

Then the cell phone cameras came out. 

-----

In the station cafe, Stephen Hatt’s phone ‘pinged’ - the first time it had done so all morning. 

Ah! He thought to himself. Service is back. 

He immediately began paging through his rapidly growing backlog of emails and news alerts, before a business news article caught his attention.

That better not have been an obscene reference… He thought to himself as he typed in the seemingly innocuous phrase. 

-

-

-

His phone almost fell out of his hand, as he flailed and struggled to close the obscene tab he had just opened. 

Shoving aside another patron, he flew through the door of the cafe, his top hat just barely staying on his head. There, across the platform, Gordon was surrounded by a crowd of helplessly laughing teenagers, looking angrier than he’d ever been. 

“SIR!” He boomed, having seen the man exit the restaurant. “I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A JOKE AT MY EXPENSE!”

[empty-pizza]

thoughts on gideon the ninth chapter thirty-five

lmao that's rough gideon. i'd feel like shit if i did that to someone too, even if it's not actually a bad thing to do and not your fault.

okay, it was dulcinea who killed people. yeah, that's better than ianthe. sorry for jumping the gun and blaming ianthe, last chapter. i did realize she wasn't implying it was her who did the killing midway through, though.

i maintain that this still isn't wholly surprising — the sick one, the one you'd never suspect, did it? wow, exactly what i'd expect — and making it harrow could have been a really bold and interesting move, but it works.

ohhh, it wasn't dulcinea septimus. okay, i see. not following why abigail's interest in history made her a threat, but we can keep going. the details of who she is (someone from the same family) are a bit hard to follow, but okay — she kept the corpse around and burned it with protesilaus's.

okay. this person wanted to get the emperor to come back to the system and fuck with him. who are the Hands? and now she wants to get rid of the houses while he waits, and then do... something to him?

oh this is a lyctor, huh. interesting.

oh and palamedes is already killing her

did palamedes just blow himself up?

that's a shame. he was my favorite character.

damn she really did vomit up a lung.

Cytherea the First, huh. soon to be Cytherea the dead, I hope.

Okay. I'd appreciate if any of the people who have been commenting on my post could tell me the foreshadowing for Dulcinea being the murderer, and Dulcinea not being Dulcinea. By the way, I appreciate all of your comments a ton, even though I haven't been replying (because apparently tumblr doesn't let you reply with your sideblog and using my main while mentioning I'm OP just kinda seemed like a hassle).

From a mystery perspective, I don't love this answer. I want two things for a mystery answer: One, to feel like it ties together so many pieces of evidence and foreshadowing that I realize I should have realized it all along and feel dumb. Two, ideally, for it to expand my perception of what is even possible as answer, which is pretty rare. Something like Knives Out, that treats the entire role of culprit in a unique way.

This is why I got really hyped up for the Harrow theory; I feel like her plot role was one you'd never expect to be the culprit and thus it'd be mindblowing if it was. I think it being not-Dulcinea is considerably more... regular, as a thing for a mystery story to do. I mean, I kind of called it early on that it could very well be her, since it would cause the most emotional pain for Gideon. I don't get credit for being right, because when it came time for me to put my money where my mouth is, I didn't say it was her. But like I said earlier, the sick, unassuming character? Kind of becomes just plain old assuming.

But that's just my preferences and personal expectations being projected onto a book that didn't necessarily need to conform to my ideas, and it works narratively nonetheless. I mean, clearly it does. And I hope that knowing what the foreshadowing is will enhance my appreciation. Plus, I don't even know what she did to kill Jeannemary and Isaac yet! Hope that's interesting.

From an entirely different perspective, though, this reveal is awesome. I love stories that start as one thing, only to unfold into something much bigger and more complex. That's something I like even more than the answer to the mystery being something I never would have considered — when the direction of the plot itself is like that. This started as a story about a bunch of people solving puzzles in a facility, but Dulcinea actually being Cytherea, a Lyctor, suddenly thrusts this story into something WAY bigger. There are so many questions I don't even understand well enough to ask, about the Houses, the history here, the emperor, the hands, the Lyctors, everything that's going on! This is a huge game that's being played and I am seriously looking forward to all the insane things I'd never expect that the next book will likely do. The possibilities are genuinely endless in my mind, of what this story will even be about, and that's a feeling I love. That, more than anything else, is the best thing you could take in inspiration from Homestuck and Umineko.

I'll hopefully finish the book tomorrow, but I seriously need to sleep now.

[whoredmode]

Okay, now for all my AtoA questions:

1.) Is Jane Valderama still reporting on all the craziness?

2.) Does Prof. Genki's S.E.R.C. exist in your rewrite and has it expanded to stilwater?

3.) I love the concept for the new main antagonists!! Being behind forgive and forget is such a cool backstory and makes so much sense. How do you pronounce their name though lmao?

4.) I would also love to know more about Ranja. How big of a role do they play in AtoA?

5.) Your version of Troy seems way more fleshed out and more true to his SR version. How does he differ from the bald police chief version in SR2? Like does he still do all that?

6.) When Killbane returned to the states in his tag team with Angel, did Angel know Killbane was using?

7.) Speaking of the wrestling in SR, is it similar to how wrestling works in real life do you think? Like in real life, the match results are predetermined and it's just 2 athletes putting on a fight meant to tell a story and entertain with real life feuds bleeding in occasionally. Do you think it functions like that in SR or do you think it's more of a fight between two warriors and the better fighter wins. Kinda closer to MMA but with the showiness of wrestling and lucha libre.

8.) I saved the best (Dex) question for last! When Dex was with the syndicate and feeling like he'd never get out (especially after Loren dies), do you think some part of him felt like he deserved it. Almost like his own personal purgatory as a result of the choices he made

I hope this isn't too many questions 😅😅. I can't wait to hear your thoughts!!

omg some excellent questions. gonna have to answer them under a readmore because this is gonna be looooong but i’m sure you understand that haha

yes of course! jane never stops. especially with some juicy stories that have been developing for literal years i mean come on

2. so Yes it still exists. it’s just a game show and doesn’t play a huge role in anything. it hasn’t expanded to stilwater and remains in steelport. genki is just the mascot character, but i like to think there’s some expansion on the show's brand itself; there’s actually an in-game ad in srtt that implies the existence of a genki amusement park, so i like to think that exists somewhere within steelport. always pictured an indoor amusement park, just because the game show is so enclosed. 

3. i’m not sure which names/words in particular you want a pronunciation of, so i’ll do a few:

Z: it’s just the letter Z

Philosotology/Philosotologists: Fih-loss-oh-tahl-low-jee/Fih-loss-oh-tahl-low-jist (you can find NPC dialogue in the first two games of this being pronounced btw)

Ranja: she responds to either “Rahn-ha” or “Rahn-jah”

Torque: like the word “torque,” pronounced “Tork”

if there’s any i’m missing feel free to lemme know

4. OKAY SO. i’m gonna start with backstory stuff bc it appears in the rewrite through flashbacks (flashbacks are a major part of the storytelling in AtoA). ranja was part of the vice kings back in the 1970s. she was a major figure during that fight throughout the 70s, right alongside ben and julius, though as time moved on and after everything that happened, they often write her out of it on purpose. but she was particularly adept at gathering intel and spying. she grows frustrated with the VK, feeling stifled by the way ben and jules run things, and their refusal to allow angela, ben’s sister, to play a larger role despite her skills. ranja, who had feelings for angela, had tried forever to get her to leave stilwater, but angela declined each time. eventually ranja gets the idea to  start running her own operations, eventually getting in contact with the samedi. she starts doing work for them—scoping areas outside stilwater (and some within), running some drugs, brokering deals with the help of the VK’s lawyer, harlan delmonaco (one of my non-boss OCs). with a bunch of new money, she asks angela a final time if she’ll leave stilwater with her, revealing what she’d been doing. angela is heartbroken that ranja would lie to her and the VK; this later culminates in an argument between ranja, angela, ben and jules, which ends with angela’s death at the hands of the carnales. ranja leaves stilwater after this, leaving to work with the samedi full-time. ben and jules blame ranja for angela’s death, while ranja blames them (but lbr, they really blame themselves). fast forward to sr2. with the hole left by the saints dissolution, ranja—now doing her own thing but still highly respected within the samedi—is able to get them a strong foothold within the city. fast forward now to AtoA, she’s coming in to take stilwater herself, since clearly no one else can be trusted with the city angela loved so dearly. she runs her own gang, the emperors (because kings only rule a kingdom; she rules an empire). 

5. oh my god troy. my beloved. he does…..a lot of shit. such a major player in my canon. i'm gonna link my timeline for the five years between the first two games here bc it's semi-related enough to this question. so he was still the police chief throughout sr2, but he’s on the side of the saints. he goes out with anteros in disguise whenever he calls. they take out operations and strongholds together. troy acts as a trainer for anteros during this time as well, because anteros is still working on getting his strength back post-coma. by the time srtt happens, though, he quits as the chief of police and instead becomes a private investigator. this 1) gives him freedom to do what he wants and allows him more mobility to help the saints when needed and 2) still gives him credibility. so he helps them directly all through srtt, “rejoining” them. he’s still there in AtoA, but by the end of that he leaves to focus on the private eye thing. he’s still in constant contact with the saints and helps whenever they call. also because i don’t think anteros can go a day without talking to troy. my characterization of him is worth its own several posts tbh (actually, i have some already)

6. i don’t think angel initially realized it, but as their fame grew it became pretty apparent. i actually think when angel confronted him about it, it made killbane so paranoid and nervous that it’s what made him demand a fight against angel. he’d convinced himself that angel asking him if he was on steroids meant that angel was coming for his glory, so he took it as his chance to humiliate him and get him out of his life. angel was just genuinely concerned for him though. 

7. so this is really interesting because in my canon, there’s two murderbrawls. the first one is the public one, which is like your typical theatrical wrestling and lucha libre. but the other murderbrawl is an actual death match. real fighting, real death, no rules, weapons allowed. completely underground. 

8. well…sorta kinda. i think if there’s any character i’d describe in my canon as driven by guilt/feeling like he deserves punishment or purgatory, it’s troy. that said, i do think dex feels that way in that situation to an extent. he feels like it’s partially his fault because he chose to side with the syndicate, not because he didn’t go back to the saints. this leads into his confrontation with anteros at the end of the srtt rewrite, with them meeting one-on-one and dex telling himself he was gonna end this (even though things end much differently). dex did not want to be a gangster. he did what he had to do back then, but he never saw the saints as a permanent place for himself. for one, he wasn’t treated very well as a lieutenant in the first place, but then all the lies come out about troy and julius, johnny’s imprisoned, and worst of all….anteros died. it’s not the ending he wanted, but it’s what he got and he just had to move forward regardless. i think dex got his degree in city planning, and that’s what he always wanted to do. he wanted to help develop stilwater into something beautiful. all he’s ever wanted, from the very beginning, was to protect his home. things just kept escalating out of his control. i wouldn’t describe his guilt during srtt on something as grand a scale as purgatory, but he feels angry at himself for letting it get this far. for not planning better. admittedly by this point he’s much more paranoid than he’s ever been, so at times his planning can be a bit…scattered, but he’s still good about ultimately keeping a level head. by the time AtoA is going on and he's "rejoined" them, i think any guilt he feels is less focused on the saints as a whole and more focused on anteros himself. it's hard being someone who tries to account for every possibility; how was he supposed to plan for a dead man coming back?

OKAY i think that's everything. a linked a million things here because i love to cite myself and i've just. written a lot. thank you so much for these this was so fun to answer!

[myonmukyuu]

Art Summary: 2022

It's that time of year again! This makes my 9th year of art summaries... Kind of insane to think about.

It's been a very eventful year and I have a lot to say. Extended art performance review under the cut 👌 (3k words lmao)

Previous: 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021

ABOUT THE COMIC:

So! What happened this year? Well, my book happened. I'm not sure if anything else happened ahfhasjkdkasf

See, I actually cheated this art summary a tiny bit. Usually I use the upload date of the art to place it in the summary. But if I did that for this year, there would be at least 4 blank spots. That's why February, April and May all feature different pages of the same comic (CH 9).

I really did spend the first half of the year finishing my comic. I only released 2 chapters too (the finale and the epilogue). In March I took a week and a half off to work on a short for Ayumu's birthday, but otherwise slaved all the way until June for the webcomic.

Then I spent July and August doing all of the redrawing and edits required for a physical release. Those who have a copy of my book might already know but the first two chapters have been redrawn. I also had to go through the entire comic, fixing it so that it could actually be printed (because the webcomic version definitely can't be printed as it is.) It was super time-consuming. Like, I can't even begin to describe. Moving forward I'll try to draw every comic so that it's printable from the beginning so I don't have to deal with reformatting ever again...

I'm pretty sure it was in August that I had the first copy of the book done. Then the preordering period opened in Septemeber... and now we're here! People are just now starting to receive their books. Sorry it took so long guys ;w;

I'm very happy though... Depending on who you ask, 100 sales might not be a lot, but it's a lot to me. To think that so many people would spend the money to buy this kind of product is just so surprising to me... It's expensive and all of the content is already available to read for free!!! So it's really surprising and I'm so incredibly grateful. That's why I went through the trouble of creating that golden special print for everyone! It was quite a bit of money out of my pocket, but I really wanted to show my appreciation.

As a side note, the 100 sales were really exhausting to pack. My body was sore in November because of it LMAO

So I'd say this year was great for my comic! Both its webcomic finale and its physical release. But this summary isn't meant to be about my comic, it's supposed to be about my art and me as an artist.

ABOUT MY ART:

So how did my art go this year?

Looking back I feel nothing but exhaustion. I know I'm happy to have my comic released but, my body and mind is still very very tired. I feel like I took at least 2-3 weeks off or more from work throughout the year to keep the comic on track. It's just a huge undertaking.

What I'm getting at is I feel a tired and... a little disappointed. But don't get me wrong, I don't feel regret! It's just that... well every artist draws for their own reasons. For me, I love getting my ideas and stories out there. So I guess I felt creatively-starved spending about half a year polishing and releasing an already-complete product. Also technically starved - you don't really see much improvement if all you're doing is cleaning up art. I didn't really have a lot of time to draw because of the physical release so I often felt like I wasn't doing enough.

And honestly that's my main sentiment. While I feel happy and satisfied with releasing the book, another part of me feels like she didn't do enough.

In terms of technical skill, I definitely saw improvement this year. It's like something clicked in me and I had a better understanding of atmospheric lighting. CH 9 and the epilogue are probably some of my favourite bits of colouring I've ever done. I just love how it turned out. In CH 9, the gradual setting of the sun to create this orange/pink/purple colour palette was so fun to implement. And in the Epilogue, this blue/green/yellow rainy day came out perfectly. It was a rainy day, but unlike CH 7, it wasn't a dreary downpour but something more hopeful instead. I have a love for creating atmosphere and especially through colour. And I think I did well there.

In the realm of black/white, I also feel lots of improvement! I'm becoming more confident with monochrome and am starting to push it further. I'm not satisfied with my skill level, but I think it's promising. I may be more confident with creating tone through colour, but I'm sure I can do the same without it!

This year I also did quite a bit of painting. I really love how the October and November artworks came out. Honestly it was around this point in the year, I had the most time to output works as the only comic work I had to do was purely admin (until I started packaging things in November). I could go into technical depth, but this post is long enough. Just know that I'm happy with the little leaps my colouring skills made.

GOALS FOR 2022:

For my art summaries, I've been doing a performance review styled thing where I create goals for the upcoming year. Let's take a look at what goals I wrote for 2022 and how I went with them.

“I want to finish my comic series”

Passed with flying colours! I think the comic release was a success. This goal is a little cheap of a goal though, since I don't think I'd let myself live it down if I gave up.

“I also want to continue to try things that are outside of my comfort zone. I want to see myself try things like different angles/perspectives and more complex backgrounds.”

Now this goal... I think I made progress here. I'm not sure if people noticed but I did definitely try to slip in different angles here and there. I'm particularly good at them... but I'm trying! And I think that's the least I can do. You won't get good at something if you don't try after all. That being said, I should push backgrounds more... I rarely do them 😅

"I want to do more illustrations/quick drawings on top of my comic work."

My comic work was suffocating a lot of the time. But I did try to draw on top of it. I haven't really talked about it, nor shown anyone, but I started learning copic markers this year (borrowed my friend's set!). So in the background I've been doing 30-60 minute traditional art exercises. I'm not terribly diligent, but diligent enough that I already think it's made an impact on my art. See, I'm only doing monochrome copic markers (I'm not confident enough to do colour just yet). I'm pretty sure doing monochrome markers has helped me with my manga skills 😂. I have a better understanding of tones and values because of it! Isn't that kind of amazing? Come to think of it, it's linked to the next goals.

"I want to learn to paint."

"I want to learn to draw faster."

While I still have a long way to go, somehow my marker exercises have helped me with these too. The understanding of tones/values has made an impact on coloured work and painting as well. And because I'm doing shorter pieces, my speed has increased a tiny bit. I'm sure if I keep at it, I can continue to develop better habits!

"I want to draft more quickly and be smarter about it."

Now this goal is something I have just been trying to mentally direct myself to. It's working... a little bit. I still need to try harder.

See, I think my drafting process is really slow and inefficient. This results in me spending too much time drawing a comic because I've drafted like 5 extraneous pages. If I wanna increase my output and lower my workload, I have to learn to be more clever with how I compose each page. I think I got a tiny bit better. Need to work harder on that for sure (it's quite hard to just "learn" though...)

MOVING FORWARD:

With the past year in mind, how do I want 2023 to go? To be honest, I still feel so exhausted because of 2022, I definitely need some time to recover, so let's not go too crazy next year.

But before I create my next goals, I wanted to talk about where I want to go in general - the grand scheme of things. Like I mentioned, I feel a lot of disappointment, like I wasn't doing enough. Which is contradictory because I also feel like I did too much with how exhausted I am... But the source of that disappointment is really tied in with how I feel about my art skill on a technical level.

I'm nearing a whole decade of hobby artist experience. And I don't feel like my art shows it. While there are things that I am better at, there's so much that I struggle with.

I want to become better. I want to improve.

It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm not doing the best I can for the stories I want to tell if I don't keep pushing and learning. And I love what I make, so I want to do those stories justice.

So it's really important to me that I keep trying to improve.

In the long term, I think my dream is to be like a pro-manga artist. Please don't make fun of me LMFAO. But there's more to it. See, I don't actually want to be a pro artist. I never want to compromise my creative vision for the sake of pandering to an audience. I sincerely think I wouldn't be able to succeed without doing that so I'm content with drawing as a hobby. A programmer as my day job and a manga artist by night...

I want to be as skilled as a pro some day though.

To be honest, I think the distance is so great that it's basically impossible. So my true goal is a little lower than that.

My true long-term goal is to be... a little comparable to a pro.

And I don't think I'm at that point. And I don't want to use "being a hobbyist" as an excuse to allow myself to remain like this.

I think it's terrifying actually. Where I'm at with my art.

I'm really happy people enjoy it, and don't get me wrong - I love my own work. I love drawing. But I think it's important to be critical of it - if I want to be able to reach my goals.

I think if people read this far, they might be thinking something like "but you're already so good!" or something to that effect. But I don't think it's true.

I think it's terrifying because there's so much I'm not good at. Comics are scary because they're an amalgamation of so many different skillsets. I possess some of these skills but there's just so many different ways that I feel that I'm lacking.

For instance, my art itself has such stiff lines. I'm not great at perspective. My art isn't dynamic. And this is just a few examples of stuff related to my illustration skills.

But comics are more than that.

There's the individual panel compositions that come together to create a unifying page composition. The visual flow - controlling how the reader scans the page. The storytelling skills - pacing, dialogue, story beats. The dialogue writing skills. The typesetting.

I think there's so many places I'm weak with and it's scary because it's difficult to just pick something to improve at when it feels like everything is wrong at once. It's so easy for me to pick up some manga from a shelf, flick through and think "this artist does x better than me, how can I learn from them?" but learning is hard and I'm not good at it so I'm just stuck with this awareness that I could be better.

But at the end of the day, I just have to pick a direction and go, right? I think that's all I can do and that's okay. It's just hard to shake the feeling of drowning in my own mediocrity.

Sorry I didn't mean to bring down the mood of this art summary.

I promise that at the end of the day that I love drawing. This is just my overly-critical side shining through. I don't have too much natural talent, just a very stubborn mind. I kind of need to be critical so I can push myself in the right direction. And I'm fairly happy with the way I've been pushing myself through these past years.

I'm not particularly fussed if my works receive a lot of traction or not because what's most important to me is the way I see my own work. My personal satisfaction.

And that's just tied with doing the best I can!

So with that in mind...

GOALS FOR 2023:

"Improve at atmospheric lighting"

This isn't particularly ambitious because it's something I'm already working on, but I know I can push lighting even further. So expect to see me experimenting more and more!

"Participate in a paid online course"

Now this is linked to my wall of text just now. I feel very overwhelmed so I think having an unbiased and experienced teacher's guidance could be valuable. I'm eyeing ones that include personalised feedback. The only concern is that it's hard to find the time for things like this when I work full-time.

Also it's a bit scary having a professional roast me, but I think it'd be good for me.

"Continue to practise traditionally"

This is linked to all of my technical art gripes. I think continuing to do traditional art exercises will help me with a lot of my weak points.

"Continue to be ambitious with art"

I don't mean ambition on a work-load level, but I want to continue to push out of my comfort-zone. Keep trying those weird angles and backgrounds, be more experimental!

"Start planning that next story"

I always have a billion different story ideas in my back pocket that I am itching to tell. I also don't wanna die of overwork though. So lets keep the bar low.

I have many great ideas, so I want to start outlining the next one! This is just a vague goal to remind myself to keep thinking ahead.

"Rest up."

I think this is the most important goal. Like I said I feel completely and utterly exhausted this year.

So I want Myon in 2023 to have more time for herself. Improve her health, catch up with her relationships, spend more time watching movies and playing video games.

Don't work too hard next year.

EXTRA REFLECTION:

I seriously don't know if anyone actually reads these reflections. I wonder what kind of person I come off across... (probably a try-hard 😂)

I wanted to talk about one more thing. It's not really linked to goals, just the future in general.

So I've been drawing for Nijigasaki for 2 years now. I think a lot of people are moving on from it though.

To be honest, I think that's okay. I'm kind of used to the people around me shifting into new interests. I think I'll still be with Niji for a long time to come. I just have a lot of large scale ideas and will probably stick with them unless something sweeps me off my feet.

I mean, even if my ideas take too long to actualise while I'm interested in Niji, I'm also open to converting things into original content. There are just so many stories to tell...

It makes me wonder why my readers enjoy my work and how they interact with it? Are people a fan of me? The ship/characters/fandom? Or the stories?

Probably some mix of the above. It's not terribly important why though.

I'm sorry that I'm not very good at keeping up with everyone's interests. I think the world moves too quickly and I draw too slow and I can barely keep up. But I'm a bit too stubborn with my own desires so I keep working on my own things without another thought. So maybe that apology is a bit empty eheh

But I hope people will continue to enjoy the stories that I make.

I should be less harsh on myself though. 9 years of art isn't something to just shrug off.

Anyways, before I keep rambling. Happy new year everyone. Let's keep working hard in 2023!

[melanielocke]

So, I really need some book recommendations.

I usually read fantasy but I also like dystopian, sci-fi and stuff. As long as it's fictional. I also like rewrites (if that makes sense).

Since the request wasn't super specific, for this one I just picked a couple of very different fantasy books that I read recently and have not yet discussed. I don't have a lot of recent dystopian (publishing currently believed dystopian is dead, I think). For sci-fi, check out this post

Little Thieves by Margaret Owen is a retelling of the Goose Girl. That's a relatively unknown Grimm fairytale where a wicked maid steals the identity of a princess. This book tells the story of the maid, Vanja Schmidt, who is the adopted daughter of Fortune and Death. She used to be Princess Gisele's maid, until she stole Gisele's enchanted pearl necklace that changes her appearance and takes her place. Now, Vanja leads a double life as princess and jewel thief, seeking to make enough money to escape before she has to marry her creepy fiance, and so she can escape her mothers. But when she crosses the wrong god, she is cursed to slowly turn into a statue of jewels as punishment for her greed, unless she finds a way to make up for what she stole. I'd recommend this book if you like unlikeable main characters.

Vanja is very selfish, but she if she doesn't put herself first, no one else will, so it is definitely understandable. She has a tendency to push everyone away, but deep down she's very lonely. She's a gremlin, and I love her.

There are also some very charming side characters, including the daughter of the god who cursed Vanja, a shape shifter who does not quite understand human behavior, and a prefect (a magic detective of sorts) chasing the jewel thief.

This book also makes some great social commentary on class and wealth. Vanja might have done a bad thing stealing Gisele's life, but Gisele wasn't entitled to all that wealth and prestige in the first place, and this book heavily criticizes nobility.

The Forever Sea and the Endless Song are part of a series and I have only read book 1 so far (book 2 just came in yesterday). This is an adult fantasy series and as such it is heavier on the world building and more complicated than most YA fantasy, so if you've only ever read YA fantasy I don't think this is the best book to transition into adult, but if you're used to reading adult this is a good series to try.

The Forever Sea is one of the most unique fantasies I've read, and this mainly lies in the world building. The premise of this world is an ocean made out of very high grassland. Ships can sail on this grass with the help of a magic hearthfire, and if this fire would go out you would very slowly sink beneath the grass. Sailors go out onto the sea mainly to harvest all sorts of plants used for food and medicine.

Kindred was raised by her grandmother, the Marchess, a legendary captain and hearthfire keeper. When her grandmother disappears beneath the sea, everyone assumes it was a suicide. But Kindred finds a note from her grandmother implying that it was not suicide, but that she was searching for what is down at the bottom of the sea, and might still be alive there. So Kindred sets out to find her, traveling across the Sea and through a legendary pirate city to see if her grandmother could still be out there, and what is at the bottom of the sea.

This book is very plot driven with a huge emphasis on the environment and descriptions on it, but also lots of world building on how this works exactly. There isn't a lot of emphasis on it, but there is also a sapphic relationship in here between the main character and another sailor. As I said, I haven't read book 2 yet but will start it soon. It's also not out in the US yet (coming 14th February, but the UK edition was released already) From the reviews I gathered there's going to be a third (last? idk) book.

In the Ravenous Dark is a dark fantasy that is marketed as YA, but I think it's very upper YA, maybe more NA but publishing doesn't think that is a thing, so YA it is.

This is set in a world inspired by ancient Greece, but only vaguely (clothes, buildings etc, much of the world building is completely made up), and Rovan, the main character, is a blood mage. Since her father's death, she's kept her blood magic hidden, but when her magic is revealed she is taken to the palace and bound to Ivrilos, a dead spirit who can control here, which is something that is done to all blood mages.

Rovan falls in love with two people she can't trust, the spirit Ivrilos, and princess Lydea, another blood mage, and together they uncover a plot of what is going on in the world of the dead and living, and why blood mages must be bound to spirits.

I think the magic system in this book was very well done, including the way spirits work and the realm of the dead. The book was at times a little messy, and I think it might have worked better as a duology since there was so much going on, but I don't bother me much while reading it.

There's a poly relationship between Rovan, Ivrilos and Lydea, which I really liked, and there's Japha, a really cool non binary side character who's essentially the fourth part of the found family.

Unseelie by Ivelisse Housman is a YA fae fantasy set in a second world focusing on an autistic main character

Seelie is a changeling. Though she looks exactly like her twin Isolde, she's actually a fae creature trying to control her unpredictable magic. She and her sister had to flee their home due to prejudice against changelings, and end up stealing to survive. When they get caught up in a heist gone wrong, they team up with unexpected allies to go on a quest and unravel a mystery to do with fae and human history.

The plot of this book is what you'd expect from a YA fantasy, fast paced, not super unpredictable or anything. The strenght of this book is the main character. Seelie is autistic and written by an autistic author, and while it is set in a world where the term autism does not exist, it is portrayed really well and I found Seelie very relatable as an autistic person. In this world, changelings are typically autistic (because real world changeling myths often derive from disabled children, including autistic children). The sister relationship is also intersting, because Seelie and Isolde are so different, and have very different ideas of what their life should be like once they're finished with this quest.

It is the first in a duology and I have no clue when book 2 is coming out

The last book on this list is the Dream Runners by Shveta Thakrar which is a contemporary fantasy inspired by Indian mythology, specifically, the naga. Naga in this world can't dream on their own, so they have children taken from the human world who become dream runners. They travel to the human world to collect dreams from humans for the naga.

Tanvi is such a dream runner, she's been in Nagalok for the past 7 years. Dream runners don't dream themselves and are devoid of emotion, but for Tanvi this is slowly returning and she's desperate to make it stop.

Venkat is a dreamsmith, the only human in Nagalok who is not a dream runner. Instead, he shapes dreams collected by the dream runners into dream stones used by the naga.

They team up to figure out what is going on with Tanvi, and uncover a plot that could destroy the naga world.

I loved the creative world building in this book, with how the dream runner system works. Tanvi was a little difficult to relate to at first, because she was very obsessed with earning a charm bracelet in exchange for her dreams and I found this confusing, but this will make sense later on, and this book had some twists I really liked.

I hope this helps!

[jvstheworld]

The Buffy Re-watch: S2E21 (part 1)

Becoming: Part 1

The end is nigh for season 2 of Buffy, and shit is going to go down.

New voice over from a stranger, and we see a drunken Liam with a friend. We get an appearance from Darla. Side note: David's Irish accent is bad, he tries bless him, but it is bad.

We see how Liam was sired and it is all very sexual.

Angelus stalking Buffy while she is out on patrol. But she is done waiting for a rematch.

Why is it that Xander tries to help on patrol but never actually learns how to fight? None of the Scoobies do. All seven seasons, only Buffy, Giles, Angel and Spike know how to fight. Giles isn't great at it but he still knows how to. But Willow, Xander, Tara, Anya (despite being a thousand years old) don't learn how to handle themselves better. Cordelia does learn when she starts to work with Angel because she understands that if she is going to save people, then she needs to be able to take care of herself in a fight. This is a big difference between the Scoobies, and Angel Investigations, AI gang could all actively take part in a fight and do well, but the Scoobies all rely on Buffy to do it because she is the Slayer.

Big rock, and Giles is needed to find out what it is. He did work for the British Museum before coming to Sunnydale so he should know about big rock shaped artefacts.

Cordy sums up Snyder quite succinctly.

Drusilla flashback to when she was innocent and Angelus found a new target to torment.

Spike is so done with Dru and Angelus. He's keeping up the ruse that he is still wheelchair bound, until the time is right.

Angelus knows what is in the big rock, and it's not good.

Willow tutoring. Why did she not make money from doing this? Parents would pay good money for a decent tutor (cough, season 6, cough). She is good at it as she can teach a class well enough and helps other students, so why not do it as a proper job?

Buffy find the floppy disk with the re-ensoulment spell. Here lies a new hope.

We finally see the moment Angelus gets cursed. Was he running to try and stop the spell from happening and got there too late?

"Open a door you might not be able to close." Oh, Giles has no idea how right he is where magic and Willow is concerned. It somehow works out in the end, but only after a huge downward spiral.

Everyone has good points in their argument. Buffy still loves Angel and wants to restore his soul. Jenny did want that to happen, to make amends for her betrayal. Xander's anger is valid as Angel shouldn't be so easily forgive for Jenny's murder, however, he is very much biased as he has always hated Angel and wanted him dead.

Angelus and Dru come for the big rock to do no good.

Buffy seeing the ring Angel gave her on her birthday gets her closer to her decision of re-ensouling Angel.

[the-firebird69]

Don McLean performs American Pie live at BBC in 1972 - Newsnight archives

The whiskey which is made by Boot Hill distillery is whiskey and rye and it's a step towards whiskey rye and malt and it was Tommy F who got it he understands what's going on and he said wow I have the code start breaking it and he worked and worked tirelessly and then this guy doesn't know anything here and that's Trump and he's an idiot now. But what they're saying about is that approaching but the whiskey and ride there drinking it is making them say that the levee is dry and that's Levi and that's the name of his granddaddy and it really affects him like every time. You have no idea how much worth this little boy has done. So we put up the movie American pie it has to do with you he's evacuating the Midwest and it has to do with some of the functions. This song has to do with some very big concepts in other words the Levi or is not dry meaning there's water there and it is between Dave and our son Chris and it is between Hera versus Carol and they live together and it was a nightmare they're always at each other and he had to leave he couldn't stand it and George was at him and she figured it out and so she went to sleep but not good that night and Carol was out and she said this this place is a freaking nightmare and I'm not even here and she learned something he's kind of funky and he likes to talk about the ghoals and things like that and goes around spooking people changing things on them really big. And since he's kind of a miscreant but he's really teaching people and she and she started doing it and her stuff is crazy. You put them both together and we're forced to do the job and we're doing it. But this isn't a really intense song and it's about the people were talking about and some are hours know a lot of them in the Midwest it's a huge story and the whiskey is Giant the story comes down to Levi and they just see it and Levon is someone who is a surprise and he doesn't know about it and she's smiling and knows her name and no it's not cherice. These are our goals is to get this out but... Anything some things that was happening at least she thinks he is but she's saying you missed your wolverine comic book and it's not the same emotion it says it would have been nice to have some money so it's like a few million dollars and it is and he feels bad about it it might still be in storage though it might be where did dad put it they said I went and got it though didn't I but no in Rhode Island now you're driving around it is he grabbed it in in Boston and took all the stuff out of the truck and he promised to save shape to stay in shape and he tried he says it's poop and you have to use Pepto and the Pepto isn't that bad for you I used to fight 3 years in a row suicide using it felt better and his mom started using it and it counteracts the medicine and you'll see it's better for you the medicine is making a stupid but feels good so they're doing that and down in Northport she started again and said we thought it did something and he says no if anything he'll keep it clean because it kills almost all the bacteria and she said good and started to feel better. Said monkeys and stuff too in the woods and she said oh I remember this and it's like charcoal so you can't take too much but really it's pepto and it's not much in it it's slightly different form but it's in solution and so he says I think this is right and then you can do things like blueberry juice without the seas and so they started that but really this is horrible what they're doing here and he's seeing blue spots purplish and it is the sapphire

Thor Freya

This is really weird and the whole thing is about the evacuation and the whiskey and Levi and they leave tonight and today and a lot of them go to Texas and they want to get George out and ask him what the hell's going on and they don't get it and a lot of people are going to burning Man so he's calling on a cork... He says it's time to form it up it's the traveling wilburys and you got a liquid cool those things and run that caravan all the way it's a burning Man he says I don't think we can make it all the way but we'll try them talk to him trucks truck them and you make off-road vehicles I don't know I'd say like the 45 and above so he's going to do it and four wheelers too

Hers

Olympus

[nathank77]

5/21/24

11:50 p.m Added to 12:01 a.m

5/22/24

I kinda wish I didn't remember the doctor at the psych ward. Tearing up. I had another flashback. I didn't understand why she was crying a little but I looked her deep in the eyes. And I think it was about me.

Anyways, sometimes I wonder if smoking weed again in small doses make sense. It was medicinal minus the capsules....Yet I'm so terrified of making psychosis worse....

But I mean I was 14 years old and I smoked a lot of weed. I smoked weed daily from 14 to 32 years old.... it clearly changed my brain chemistry...

I don't feel like I need weed. I feel like I lost apart of my identity. I feel like I'm a different version of Nathan. A more boring mentally ill Nathan. Like I lost a huge part of my personality... like I'm not the silly guy I used to be.

I constantly consider smoking weed again but only bc I know it helps with like making me feel normal. It makes me feel more level headed.

The problem is now that I have psychosis I associate it with my symptoms getting worse. And anxiety... I try to convince myself I'll never get schizophrenia... bc i would have gotten it in October/November if it was to happen.... but it's not entirely about that. It's about my hallucination worsening. It's about having anxiety about worsening it even though it isn't worsening. I noticed all those visuals I thought I was having the black specks are still here.....

I did dissociate a litte more when I was a chronic smoker but that was normal. And when I tried to smoke it last time I dissociated a few times for very short periods but since I've been dissociating when i wasnt before. I mean it happened a few times but it's been more frequent. It's been notatable since stopping from that few days I tried it again..

So I'm over here like if I start smoking again and I don't have anxiety about it could it help with my other issues? It prob wouldn't worsen my hallucination or create other symptoms and dissociating with pot usage is normal.... it truly is.... but I can't associate it with my symptoms worsening I can't associate it with anxiety and all that.

Idk how to turn it off. My brain wants it. I want it but I can live without it as long as I have benzos to sleep that is... but I still feel like I'm missing apart of my identity.

The couples times I tried to smoke- I remember thinking well this wasn't worth all that money I hardly feel any different. I mean it's nice and gaming is more fun but I could take it or leave it.

I don't feel myself withdrawing from it... I feel like my mental health might be worse without it bc I used it when my brain was developing.. and chronically. And then i used it chronically after it developed for years to cope with my life and everything.

Idk it's a thought. I wish I could use it daily in small doses and not associate it with anxiety and my symptoms worsening as- if I didn't, I may find out that my symptoms don't worsen at all and it actually helps.

I noticed that when I didn't let myself have anxiety and I was playing bully- I was much more zen but I also noticed that my thoughts were sloppier but at the same time, that continued for a while after and I have good days and bad days. The bad days are the days I game all day or have nothing productive to do. The good days are the ones I keep myself busy...and my sloppy thoughts really consist of deadname Nathan, Nathan deadname. And deadname cunt or something like that... none of my other thoughts are affected but all of the gender stuff comes up bc that's what psychosis chose to attack when the hallucination was intelligent and creative. That's what it used to hurt me.

[redwineconversation]

Montpellier - OL Postgame Thoughts

Part of me wants to be jokey about this - I'm actually really funny! - but part of me wants to be serious as well. Maybe it's just because of my pseudo emo indie playlist playing on Spotify right now.

There were parts of the game I found frustrating. My feelings on Bompastor constantly starting Malard are well-documented by now and not worth rehashing. We still haven't sold the Carpenter Dilemma, and apparently won't until Carpenter returns, which according to an interview Bompastor gave won't happen until January. Defense-wise, we have had our worse beginning since ... 2001-2002.

There's plenty to bitch about.

And yet.

And yet, as I keep saying, to understand Lyon, you have to get to know them. You have to watch them, even when the games are boring, because sometimes, you get games like tonight. Games in the pouring rain, when something happens, something that vexes them, and you see something change in their eyes. It's hard to explain, really, but if you watch them enough, I promise you'll see it too. You'll know when they switch into a higher gear even before the (uninformed) commentator does because you will recognize their eyes are different. A little darker, maybe. A little less human.

I don't know how to describe it, really, except when you know, you know. And that's why I really, really encourage people to watch Lyon, even if it's on a shitty illegal stream. Even if the game is against an opponent you know that Lyon could sleepwalk their way into a win.

In many ways, yeah, I'll concede it: Lyon is a boring team. They're just not going to be a team that offers you a lot of content. They're quiet, but, like, in a good way. Me personally, I like them like that. I think it's easier to see them, to read them, when they are quiet like this. You know what you are getting when there isn't a distracting background noise, is what I am trying to say.

If you want to know who your team actually is, away from social media content, you need to watch them play in the pouring rain. I don't mean a casual drizzle, I mean complete downpour, question whether you need a raft sort of rain. Something that takes "soaked to the bone" to a literal level.

And it's even better when it's in a smaller stadium. Now don't get me wrong, I do love a proper huge arena, but games like tonight - I don't know, I think in some ways you see Lyon in their purest form when it's raining. It's hard to describe, but it feels more intimate, as if you can see them more clearly.

I don't know. Maybe monsters recognize monsters, or something.

That was sort of a long rambling introduction for me to say: I recognized my team tonight. It happened after the penalty conceded by van de Donk. Lyon's eyes darkened. Vexed, vengeful, they became the team I knew so well. As soon as the penalty was conceded I knew that Lyon would win.

I wouldn't have necessarily put my money on van de Donk scoring the next goal, but. I am also not too proud to admit I have been wrong about her. Although I could understand how Lyon came to the conclusion that she would fit the profile they like so much as a No. 10, I had my concerns and reservations. Lyon is an expensive team. Just because the Board of Directors gave her the keys to the Maserati didn't necessarily mean it wouldn't end in a spectacular car crash.

But, as I said, I am not too proud to admit that I wasn't wrong. I think she has grown more comfortable being a playmaker for a team like Lyon. I think she understands the concept of consequences. I don't necessarily mean it in a bad way, just, like. If you make a mistake, Lyon will forgive you as long as you make up for it. I know they were pissed about the penalty. I know it got under their skin.

It made them angry, and it made van de Donk angry, and she has caught on, maybe faster than people necessarily give her credit for, that that is what it takes for Lyon to play better. She described it as "needing a bit of passion" in April 2022, but it's almost simpler than that. They just need something to get pissed off about. They play better when their feelings are hurt. I've been saying this for almost a decade.

I think we saw Henry being, well, Henry again. I am not going to sit here and pretend that Henry and I have completely resolved our differences. But sometimes a lover's quarrel is a good thing. Lyon and Henry might have a complicated relationship at times, but they are still tethered to each other; in games like tonight in the rain, we saw why.

I really, really like Sombath, and I am so glad Lyon saw her potential and promptly stole her from PSG. We are only three league games into the season so this is subject to change, but right now it feels as though we are following a script we have read before, that of Selma Bacha's. I really, really hope the endings are the same.

I don't know how the season will end. I don't think anyone does, not really. I've said privately that I don't actually think we'll know what Lyon truly looks like until October. People will throw around the 2001-2002 stat, but I am actually reminded of another one: in September 2019, Lyon's defense had a truly atrocious month, including conceding three (3!!!) goals in an 8-3 win against Reims. They would go on to concede five (5) goals the rest of the season.

The defense needs a ton of work. I will be screaming louder than anyone if Lyon does not fix that defense. But I acknowledge their handicap, and I acknowledge the precedent.

Lyon and I have a long precedent of working things out. I think we're beginning to see that. I'm not surprised though.

Lyon always did reveal their true colors when it was raining, after all.

[randoimago]

Hey, sorry if I do this wrong, it’s my first time using tumblr but I want to make a request if that’s okay with you? My gf’s bday is coming up (February 26) and I know she likes your writing a lot and we do read your stuff together. So I was hoping to request Vax (CR), Akira (P5) and Zhongli and Diluc (Genshin Impact) celebrating their S/Os birthday if that’s okay with you of course? If not, I understand and I also want to say I’m a fan of your work so keep doing what you do: Solar Anon

Celebrating S/O’s Birthday

FANDOM: Critical Role, Genshin Impact, Persona 5

Character(s): Vax’ildan, Diluc, Zhongli, Akira Kurusu

Type of Request: Headcanons

Note(s): You did great! And that's super cute of you to request something for your gf I hope they enjoy these!!

Critical Role

Vax

He'll definitely do his best to plan out something to do. Rather it's just going out into Emon on a walk or hanging around Whitestone. Just in a place that's comfortable and familiar to you two.

Would try to make you something that reminds him of you for your birthday. Probably screws up a few times. He's good with picking locks, making actual, physical presents are something entirely different.

Vax gets you flowers. At first he thought about stealing some flowers from someone's garden but then decided that he has some money to spend and you deserve something nicer and more legal.

He doesn't know how to cook or bake or whatever. He will burn everything. So he tries to find a nice bakery to get you a cupcake or something for your birthday. Would find a sugar free option if that's better for you!

Genshin Impact

Diluc

Would close up the bar for the day. That way no one can walk in while he and some others he enlisted the help of decorates the place for a surprise party.

I can see him wanting to do something small but it got out to Amber or someone that it's your birthday and now it's becoming a huge thing with the surprise party. Diluc still takes you out on the town to distract you but also because he likes this moment with you.

You get treated to a nice birthday lunch. If you try to complain about anything being too expensive then Diluc just gives you an amused look because he has money. He has so much money and he's happy to spend it all on you.

Does get you a nice, cute little gift like a necklace or arm brace. Just something for you to wear and hopefully reminds you of him.

Zhongli

Actually has money for once. It's all going towards your birthday celebration though.

Hu Tao probably is making a whole celebration at the funeral parlor (which isn't helping get customers) and so Zhongli is just taking you around Liyue.

Would tell you many stories of whatever historical event he remembers to also share the date of your birthday. He does keep it to lighter things. Or just tries to remember funny tales that happened around this time to tell you.

He has given you many gifts on many occasions and this time he tries his best to outdo himself. Of course his gifts always have a deeper meaning to them and hopes that you understand his love for you in this one.

Persona 5

Akira

Does ask Sojiro if he can do a mini party at Le Blanc for you. Let's Ryuji, Ann, and all of them set things up while he keeps you occupied.

Would take you to an arcade and does his best to win stuffed animals for you.

He'd also take you to the Underground mall if you'd like to do some shopping. He has a crap ton of yen thanks to his Persona's so he's glad to spend it on gifts.

Akira does his best trying to carry all your stuff for you. If you try to tell him it's okay then he'll object. His stats are maxed, he can carry a thousand bags for you.

[my-darling-boy]

Genuinely asking, isn't self-diagnose with a condition kind of dangerous? Because legitimizing self-diagnosing opens a door to many malicious people who would want to exploit the fact they can self-diagnose? And in turn, make the space of autistic people worse?

Was going to skip this, but I’m writing a LONG response because I’m VERY exhausted with the amount of misinformation I see on this “self dx is dangerous” take, so buckle up and allow me to info dump.

Recently, authentic_autism_advocacy, an Instagram account run by a supposed medically diagnosed autistic woman was discovered to be a non-autistic woman, Connie Manning, posing as a medically diagnosed autistic person to spread hate and anti-self diagnosing speech. In reality, she is a neurotypical mother who regularly uses her autistic son for clout; she also turned out to have a hand behind CalmWear, a brand of sensory compression products designed for disabled people. Not only had she been spewing hatred towards other autistic people, she had been accusing well known AFAB autistic tiktokers like beckspectrum of faking being autistic and threatening self diagnosed autistics and saying they are a danger to the community, and engaging in other incredibly discriminating behaviour. Yes, she herself was a neurotypical person posing as a medically diagnosed autistic to perpetuate hateful rhetoric about self diagnosed people and used her voice to speak OVER autistic folk for financial gain and exploitation of autistic people, including her own son. If you want to read this roller coaster of a story, an autistic person wrote an entire article on it with tons of screenshots and sources.

So let me make one thing clear to you.

The purpose of actually, genuinely self diagnosing is not done to attract attention or to parade around and exploit other autistic people. Self diagnosed autistic individuals have recognised due to difficult life circumstances, financial hardship, bigotry and stigma within the medical/legal world, being a minor, lack of insurance, lack of proper access to safe care facilities, being denied assessment due to incompetent or biased practitioners, and/or any other obstacle that they may temporarily or permanently be barred from diagnosis. Self diagnosis does NOT instantly mean a person is posing for clout, nor does it indicate a person is trying to wring money from assistance services or exploit other autistics. And nts who use self diagnose with intentions of harming the community? That’s NOT self diagnosis, that’s abuse of something meant to aid people blocked from medical care or financial means to that care. All we can do for autistic people, no matter who we perceive them to be, is treat them the same way we would any other autistic person. Because the moment you start deciding by your own book who deserves respect and who doesn’t, you’ll be on a slippery slope to locking out thousands of autistic people from the community. If it’s discovered a person like Connie is literally abusing the system of self dx to intentionally mislead the community, by all means, we must hold them accountable. But you cannot simply go about granting and revoking access from people just because someone lacks a diagnosis or doesn’t fit your idea of what being autistic looks like, especially if it’s based on stereotypes.

Moral of the story? Isn’t it ironic how anti-self dx people will 100% believe a user who claims to be medically diagnosed but shows no “written proof” of it, yet always demand written proof from a self dx person? It’s almost like even anti-self dx people can’t tell the difference between someone who is medically diagnosed autistic and someone who isn’t. Well, that’s because they can’t. While there might be common traits, autism has no set model, it is a spectrum, no autistic person is alike; Policing self diagnosed people about their self diagnosis isn’t a form of protecting the community. It’s a form of gatekeeping. If you find yourself granting instant acceptance, without asking for proof, to a person insisting they are medically diagnosed like this neurotyical mother, but then prohibit self dx people from entry entirely on the grounds of not showing proof of medical assessment, you are upholding a double standard. This is why policing autistic people’s diagnosis, self or not, is inherently useless.

So here’s the thing... instead of asking people to stop self diagnosing, what you should instead be asking yourself is, “Why do people self diagnose? What kind of medical system could possibly be in place where people feel they need to resort to self diagnosis rather than get an actual diagnosis?”

Well, it’s mainly common knowledge among most of the autistic community that diagnosis is NOT easy to come by.

One of the main reasons why people cannot get a diagnosis is due to financial/insurance reasons. It’s reasonable to estimate that by the end of 2020 almost 30 million Americans alone were without health insurance. I’ve heard costs out of pocket for an autism diagnosis are between $500-$6000. If a person or a family cannot afford health insurance—which by the way on average is around $5,400 a year for a single person and $13,800 for a family here—where are they supposed to pull out $6,000 to get screened?

You might be asking, “Well aren’t insurances supposed to cover disability?” Sure, there are options for disability care through health insurance—not even going to get into that—but like a lot of things in the US, this is a severely flawed system. A lot of private health insurance will stop or limit coverage for an autism diagnosis or assistance services once a person reaches 18 to 21 years old. In most states, coverage has a higher chance of being denied to autistic adults coming with the added age cap or ONLY covering ABA, an abusive, manipulative “therapy” used to force social compliance and trait suppression on autistic people. The fact that ABA, a conversion therapy, is covered, but little else, shows exactly what insurance companies think of autistic people: they’ll only cover us if we want to learn to be “normal”. This can leave many undiagnosed autistic adults who cannot afford analysis, insurance, or safe assistance services with nowhere to turn. If I was not on my parents’ insurance, there is NO WAY I would EVER be able to afford a diagnosis. I don’t have $2,000 lying around. The MONEY ALONE would prohibit me from getting a diagnosis, no matter how many autistic traits I presented.

When I was going through this system years ago to start a diagnosis, I was shocked to find no therapist within three hours of me was accepting adult patients. “Up to 18 only” their websites would say. And in the event I had found one (1) that accepted me as a then 20 year old with X insurance, and that person refused me diagnosis, I would be out of options unless I planned a 5 hour drive which may have also led me to another biased screener. A person seeking self financed assessment can waste thousands of dollars therapist hopping.

People will say, “Well I live in X place, and where I come from, it’s covered!” Well the reality is that everyone in the world does not live where you live. It’s not realistic to assume everyone is in the same position as you or your family to afford care or access the same resources as you. When you say, “Just go out and get a diagnosis! It’s not that hard!”, understand you are speaking from your personal vantage point where screening may be easily accessed or easily covered/is free OR you have no personal knowledge of what that process is like yourself.

The second thing that bars a ton of people from being diagnosed is the fact that when autism was first discovered, its research was HEAVILY centered on white, cis, heterosexual men. The idea that autistic people are ONLY cis, white, heterosexual men carries on to this day. If you are an outlier to this stereotype, your chances of being misdiagnosed with something else or refused diagnosis skyrocket because so-called “professionals” don’t know how to observe traits in any other person besides a cis, white, heterosexual man, and refuse/fail to recognise the endless ways in which a person can be autistic. ALL the time I hear how AFAB people will go in to get screened only to find out their screener does not believe AFAB people can be autistic, because yes, sexism and anti-lgbtq+ ideas play a huge role in the incredibly outdated diagnostic process, because autism is still believed to be an “AMAB only” thing. People report going into a therapists office and being asked questions like, “Do you like going outside? Do you like having friends?” and being told that if you agree with either of these, you cannot be autistic because criteria at some places is so backwards, you can’t even say you enjoy conversation without failing the test. Other things commonly heard during the analysis are screeners telling someone they are too smart/articulate to be autistic, gas lighting them by saying they are mistaking their symptoms for something else/making them up, telling a person they seem normal, dismissing clear autistic traits by saying they’re unique “superpowers”, or intentionally misdiagnosing a person as ADHD INSTEAD of autistic. People on social media have also pointed out what influences racism has on the diagnostic process as well and how lack of research and understanding of autistic POC contributes to under-diagnosis and stigma has only contributed to refusal of care and under-representation of POC in the disabled community, as one autistic Black woman points out on Instagram, “I found excellent articles that support and validate my feelings and experiences, but I could find no research on autistic Black people.” Additionally, because research has primarily been done on young men, this means anyone who is not a cis man and is over the age of 18 and is seeking a diagnosis has a much higher chance of not receiving one because screeners don’t understand how autistic traits may present differently in adults, especially since adults are very likely to mask. Some autism screeners are so against autism they have told clients they would only diagnosis a person autistic if it was their last resort to avoid “placing a burden on their shoulders”. These reasons are largely responsible for why autism is incredibly mis/under-diagnosed. This ask would be the length of a novel if I included every single type of discrimination and mistreatment during the evaluation process alone, but understand it can be incredibly biased, sexist, transphobic, racist, or just flat out ableist. And guess what? Though this process can take as little as a month to get sorted, that is rare. The assessment SHOULD be very short. But a lot of autistic people have reported their diagnosis took more than 2-4 years because of having to waste time, energy, and money hopping from therapist to therapist looking for someone to take them seriously, as many autistic people compiled on the actuallyautistictiktoks page on Instagram point out.

The last thing I want to touch on is this idea that people have that self diagnosing is dangerous. “What if someone self diagnoses and they take advantage of services that are meant for autistic people?” ...The Big Things you think I am going to take advantage of as a self diagnosed autistic person, like scholarship money for instance or SSDI, I do not have legal access to without a formal diagnosis. I cannot waltz into a law firm and ask for a $5,000 scholarship for autistic people without a diagnosis, because they WILL NOT give it to me!

Let me tell you some of things I’ve “cruelly taken advantage of” as a self diagnosed autistic person. I bought glasses with blue light protection, because screen and fluorescent lighting at work and even natural blue toned light from the sky lowers my threshold for some sensory input like noise and social interaction; wearing them to work everyday has improved my sensory thresholds incredibly. I’ve talked to my manager and told him I’m autistic and that I have a hard time understanding vague direction and may need to step away briefly on occasion to tend to a shutdown before a meltdown comes on at work; he had no problem with this. I use subtitles; sometimes I have trouble processing audio or reading facial expressions and tone, and being able to see the words displayed on the screen gives me a significantly better understanding of what I watch. All my life, I have been having meltdowns which I had mistaken for mental breakdowns or panic attacks and having access to resources that walked me through preventative methods and tips on what to do if I have one has been ENORMOUSLY helpful to me. All my life, I was trying to deal with them thinking they were something else; becoming aware of this and accepting that they are in fact autistic meltdowns has helped me not only go through them, but has helped me redirect stims which at their worst previously had me hitting and clawing my arms, slapping my face, and even hitting my head. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait 4 years for a diagnosis to use resources I could be using to make my life more accessible right now!

People will say, “Oh well yeah, I don’t mean You are one of Those Types of self diagnosed autistic people, you clearly sound/look autistic, I’m talking about other people.” The thing is, there is no broad “sounding/looking autistic”, that’s stereotyping, and you can’t demand everyone who interacts with you show you their Autistic Card, because again, not everyone is able to be diagnosed, especially given the mistreatment and stigma present towards autistic people in the medical field! And what made you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “don’t seem autistic” to you? Why didn’t you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “seemed autistic” to you? By denying anyone who doesn’t have a diagnosis resources they may very well need, you are denying assistance to thousands of people who are without means to be diagnosed. And I am SO tired of seeing comments online on self diagnosis posts that “people don’t know what they’re taking about” as if they know us personally, like are you me? Are you my doctor I’ve consulted? Did you watch me academically research and consult with other autistic people about being autistic for over 3 years? I’m tired of “well, one time a self diagnosed person laughed at my actually autistic diagnosed friend...so all self dx people are evil” because there is ZERO correlation between a person being self assessed and their behavior towards a non self assessed person. The fact both those arguments are in use whenever self dx comes up is yet another form of gatekeeping.

Self diagnosing autism is not begging for attention or Evil Criminal Money Funneling Schemes. It is a result of a deeply flawed medical and insurance system that has failed to give proper attention and care to those who need it, it is a result of resources not made available, of safe support systems not there for kids and adults alike. You want to talk about what’s truly dangerous? How the hate group Autism Speaks has been parading itself around since 2005 as an advocacy group for autistic people and has been misusing millions of dollars worth of donation money and promoting stigma and hatred around autistic people; no autistic members are present on their board. How Sia and her new film Music was nominated for 2 Golden Globes despite it replacing the original autistic actor with a neurotypical actor, using offensive stereotypes, and using the main autistic character as a prop, and featured an extremely dangerous bodily restraint scene on an autistic person having a meltdown in public and featured very insensitive content due to Sia’s lack of consulting with autistic people to make the film (spoilers in that article).

Instead of policing autistic people, whether they fit your idea of what an autistic person is or not, redirect your efforts and your energy to dismantling systems and holding others accountable for perpetuating harmful stereotypes about autistic people that are legitimately dangerous on such a scale that they have created insurmountable damage to the autistic community. But I guarantee you, worrying over whether your classmate is “faking it” will not do any justice to the decades worth of discrimination autistic people face still today.

I understand. You care about the community, you don’t want autistic people to be exploited or taken advantage of. I don’t want to be exploited and taken advantage of as an autistic person, and I don’t want that for others! But I also understand that when we self proclaim ourselves as judges of random autistic strangers on the internet or start accusing people of faking or demanding to see medical paperwork from people when the basis of our suspicions is “this person doesn’t look like my stereotyped view on how I think an autistic person should act”, THAT is when you really run into trouble. Because if you are allowed to deny self dx people entrance into the autistic community, what’s stopping you from thinking you have the power to deny ANYONE entrance into that community?

And there is power in self diagnosis for many autistic people. When the evaluation system is literally rigged to set you up for failure and put you through unnecessary hardship, self dx is a self affirming, empowering tool to take back control from a process designed to gaslight and crush you. The evaluation process was NOT formulated by an autistic person, nor was it made to be inclusive of all autistic people. Until the evaluation system in place for autistic people is safe, accessible, and free to ALL, you have EVERY right to self diagnose.