#but who the hell needs therapy when fanfiction exist

[coffy-cat27]

Thanks In Advance (seongjoong flower shop au)

Everyone who's close with Seonghwa knows how the man loves flowers, which isn't weird now that he opened his own flower shop.

But never in a million years did he expect someone to ask such a weird request.

Note: English is not my main language, so I apologize for any grammatical errors.

-°*•*°-

"Thank you, please come again!" The bell above the door dinged as the customer walked out. Seonghwa sighed as he still have orders needs to be done by Valentine's day, that's two days away.

He had opened his flower shop, "Utopia", several years back, right after his degree. At first, he only had some elders coming in to see the flowers but over time, the words spread. More people come in to buy flowers for their parents, lovers, or funeral.

But that doesn't help the fan girls he got over the years,asking whether he's single or if they could take him on a date. He couldn't bring himself to reject them directly so he made excuses;

Sorry, I have a grocery run later and this week is full of orders,

Sorry, my friends stole my ps4 and I need to take it later,

Sorry, I need to take my fish on a walk,

He prayed for the day he could drive all of them away without being a heartbreaker.

-°*•*°-

Seonghwa was making the last order for the day; a bouquet for their mother's birthday. He was about to wrap the flowers when the bell rang loudly and the counter was slammed. He was about to cuss the fuck out of the person when they asked;

"How do I passive-aggresively say fuck you in flowers?"

Seonghwa looked up in confusion. The man, a bit shorter than him by several inches, in a biker's jacket with sand coloured mullets haircut and a golden frame glasses perched on his nose. If Seonghwa said he's not attracted to him then he's a big ass liar that Wooyoung and Yeosang will always bring it up to his deathbed.

The man looked at Seonghwa with determination as if he knew how to solve his problem. Seonghwa cleared his throat;

Okay, Seonghwa focus. Don't lose your shit over some godly good looking man.

"Hey, I'm sorry if it's a big request and it's almost your closing time but you're the only one opened right now so," he explained while taking a step back, wondering if he had overstepped any boundaries.

"No, just one sec," Seonghwa wrapped the forgotten flower bouquet and put it aside, the customer will take it tomorrow. "Now, you said you wanted to say fuck you in flowers?"

He leaned forward, interested in why would someone asked such flowers. It's so petty that he needs the backstory.

"Well, my asshole of an ex asked to get back together with me when I already caught him cheating for God knows how many," he placed his hand on the counter, face scrunched in disgust.

Seonghwa would sympathize with him, but seriously, that guy deserve nothing other than worse things to happen on him for breaking this cute guy in front of him.

Wait cute??

Seonghwa's cheeks heated up a bit with that thought and internally slapped himself. "Actually, you can say fuck you in flowers, but I just need to make sure, does he even know flowers languages? Like, what certain flowers mean and what goes well to reciprocate it?" He needs to make sure or all of this will give to waste.

"Oh, yeah. He majored in agriculture back then and too invested in flowers. So if he doesn't know the meaning then I guess he's a fat ass liar."

Good, he could work with that.

"So, do you wanna know which flower means which? I mean, it could be for your future reference."

Seonghwa why are you offering such things??

The man smiled, oh my does his stomach does a full acrobatics acts. "Sure! And oh, I forgot I haven't introduced myself," - he reached out a hand, - "Kim Hongjoong." Seonghwa hold out his hand, "Park Seonghwa."

-°*•*°-

"So, geranium for stupidity, foxglove insincerity, meadowsweet as in uselessness, yellow carnation disappointed and orange lilies for hatred," Hongjoong listed out one by one the flowers Seonghwa had showed him.

The bouquet itself kinda petty but hey, he wanted nothing more to do with that asshole.

"Yes! That's cool you managed to memorize these flowers quickly," Seonghwa placed all the flowers carefully on the wrapping paper. "You know, how about you bought him a cake, his favorite cake and boldly written fuck you on top of it?"

Petty Seonghwa is a Seonghwa you don't want to mess with.

"Oh God, I love that. Wait, let me called San. His bakery should be closed by 10," Hongjoong took out his phone and dialed the number.

"Wait, you know San? As in Choi San the baker who kick asses on the weekends? Son of the Choi family that owns a taekwondo studio?" Seonghwa stopped his hands from arranging the flowers, looking at Hongjoong as if he grew a second head.

"Yeah, I knew him during college, he's in culinary while I'm in music but we share a few classes together." He placed the phone on his ears and make a quick order. Then he ended the call when they heard some screaming at the end of line.

"Don't worry, he's not dead. Mingi and Yunho was trying to make the highest chairs stack to which one of it almost fell on them."

Seonghwa snorted at that. Mingi and Yunho has always been known as the local troublemakers. Then a realization set in, "Wait, if you know San, Mingi and Yunho, how come I've never heard of you?"

San loves to share stories while Mingi and Yunho can't never shut up if there's something interesting. So for them not telling Seonghwa about this man, there must be something they're hiding.

"San had known me since college. Mingi was featured in several of my tracks and Yunho made a choreography for some of my tracks recently." Hongjoong placed his phone in his pocket, "So it's normal for you to not heard of me before cuz we are fairly new to each other, besides, I just moved somewhere near recently."

That explains a lot.

"Wait, tracks? Are a singer or something?" Seonghwa was ready to run if it's some uprising singer in front of him right now.

Hongjoong laughed, "No, no, just some underground rapper and my main job is a producer."

"Oh...okay. I was scared for no reason."

They laughed at his demeanor. "So, when can I pick up the flowers?" Hongjoong swiftly took out his wallet.

"As early as tomorrow, as late as Valentine's."

"Oh? Closed during Valentine's. Do you have a date?"

Seonghwa placed the foxglove at the sides for the bouquet when he sighed. "No, the last person I dated said I was 'too much' or 'clingy', which might be true but still, it doesn't hurt less."

Oh how he doesn't want to remember the one that gave him too much hopes and dreams then left him burning, like Icarus to the Sun.

"Oh shit, I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry, please don't cry," a hand wiped his cheek. Seonghwa hadn't realized when did he cried but when he does, he can't really stop.

"S-sorry, it's just that, whenever I thought about him, it's always a bad memory and I couldn't remember if there was any happy memories with him." Seonghwa broke down even more. He's usually not like this but somehow he felt like he could be fragile around Hongjoong.

As if he could catch Seonghwa before he fell to deep.

"Hey, no need to apologize. You feel what you feel. I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked that. That was insensitive of me," Hongjoong continued wiping his tears.

"It's fine, I wasn't expecting be crying like this when those shits happened years ago," he snickered. He hates how he always deep in the feels. The crying had died down a bit. "Sorry but, where were we at?"

"Wait, now I don't remember anything before I asked about your date and you broke down-" Hongjoong stunned at his feet, trying to remember.

"Oh, right. The payment and pick-up time."

"Ah, right."

Once the payment was done, Hongjoong slipped a paper on the counter. "If you ever wanna talk about something random, you can call or text me. I like talking to you."

Seonghwa really hoped that the pink on Hongjoong's cheeks were illusions his eyes playing.

"I might only talk about Lego's, Star Wars and random romcoms. You sure about this?" He gave a questioning look. "I don't want you to regret it later."

Hongjoong smiled, genuinely, "Yes, I've never been certain like this before beside the time I was choosing music and art as my majors."

Seonghwa smiled, "Then, I'll text you later."

After saying their partings, Hongjoong was about to leave when he remembered, "Hey, you said I could take the flowers on Valentine's, and you don't have a date, right?"

Seonghwa nodded.

"Then, after I send off those flowers, I'll pick you up for a date. How's that sound?"

Seonghwa blushed profusely. The cute guy asking him on a date after saying 'fuck you' to his ex lover on Valentine's.

"Sure, I only opened from 6 to 10 on Valentine's morning, the rest of the day is free." Hongjoong grinned at that, "Well, it's set then."

He closed the door and the bell dinged. Valentine's in two days and Seonghwa just wished the day would come by quick.

-°*•*°-

It did come by quickly. He was watering some of the flowers outside his shop when he heard some running.

Well, not running exactly.

Sprinting.

"Seonghwa!!"

Hongjoong stopped besides him, one hand holding a box, possibly the cake, smiling blindly and all Seonghwa wanted to do is squish those cheeks and kiss him.

Okay, maybe the kissing is too fast but he really wanted to squish those cheeks.

"Hongjoong, you're early," he calmly said even when his brain is on overdrive of how cute this small man in front of him.

"Just wanna pick up the flowers and take you out quick," Hongjoong shrugged. "Do you have any place in mind for our date later?"

The raven head thinks for a moment. "Nope, nothing comes in mind." He invites Hongjoong inside the shop, placing the watering tin on the counter and picks the bouquet he done last night.

"Here, the flowers, and how about you surprise me for the date?" Seonghwa smiled, tilting his head to the side a bit.

Hongjoong grinned, "Well, you're up for a ride then."

All Seonghwa remember was a peck on his cheek and the bell ringing as the sandy haired man ran out, saying something he couldn't care about.

-°*•*°-

The bell rang for the nth time, Seonghwa sighed as he got up, he's gonna lock that door for good.

"I'm sorry but I'm not interested in you if you're thinking on a date for today."

"Ah, but I thought we already planned one?"

Seonghwa looked up quickly, the crack on his neck might concerns him another time, but not now when he sees the sandy mullet and the black biker jacket.

"Hongjoong..." The said man chuckled.

"I'm taking it as there's a lot of your fangirls asking you out, yeah?"

He took slow steps towards the smaller man, and pulls him into a crushing hug.

Hongjoong patted his back, laughing slightly. "Tired, aren't ya?"

The raven head nodded on his shoulder.

"C'mon, I bought two sets of flower Lego. Thought that might be realizing for you?"

Seonghwa looks at him with excitement. Hongjoong would compare him to an excited black cat with those round eyes.

"Yeah, that sounds good. My apartment is upstairs, so we can do it there."

Hongjoong smiled, "Let me get it from my bike then we can have our lil Lego date."

Seonghwa's face brighten at that.

You should be my boyfriend.

"I will, if asked me seriously," Hongjoong looked at him without hesitation in his words.

Fuck, did I say it out loud?

"So, what do you say, Seonghwa?" He cupped his cheek.

"Wanna be boyfriends?"

The blush was prominent as he leans oh his palm.

"If you don't mind, I would like too."

"Then boyfriends it is."

[the--queen-of--hell]

I don't know what to think about anti proshippers anymore.

Antishippers say "stop normalizing child x adult ships" "stop normalizing incest" "stop romanticizing child x adult ships" "stop romanticizing incest" while being okay with romanticizing murder in some shows/movies and romanticizing cannibalism in some shows/movies. I didn't see any antiship throw hands the moment someone said "I like Hannibal" although it romanticize cannibalism. It's weird, isn't it?

Antishippers say "shipping fictional minor x adult ships is gross and disgusting" "shipping fictional incest ships is gross and disgusting" and "shipping X is gross and digusting" while being okay with telling real people to kill themselves. While being okay with telling real people "you should be raped" "you should be tortured" "you should burn in hell" and more things. Do you even pay attention to your actions and the actions of other people? How shipping two characters is worse than telling a real person "kill yourself"????

Antishippers say "you are gross" "you need help" "you're insane" "you need therapy" while being the ones who tell proshippers "you deserve to have trauma" "you deserved to be raped" (for those proshippers who were raped and were told they deserved it by antis- I'm so sorry). I'm no therapist, but if I were I would honestly find more disturbing an anti saying "kys" to a real person than a proshipper liking problematic fictional content.

Antishippers say "protect the children" "children could see this and think it's okay" "victims of pedophiles/abuse don't deserve someone romanticizing their trauma". You have no right to claim you want to protect children when you're harassing or telling children to kill themselves. Because yes, in the proship community there are minors. And no, they haven't been groomed into being a proship. Actually, if anything, they would have been groomed into being an antiship because they're scared of people telling them "kys" "you're a pedo" "you're fucking disgusting". And what are children doing in Tumblr/AO3/Wattpad anyways? They're not supposed to be here. They're not supposed to see content not made for them. If they are in these websites, I'm worried about why their parents aren't there to tell them "this is not a safe place for you". And if people were hurt by real pedophiles or were abused, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry for them. But why the hell they're seeing fictional content that triggers them? If it upsets them, then block the content, ignore its existence, and trust me, you will feel less upset and more happy.

Antishippers say "you deserve to be harassed" "if you don't want to be harassed then stop being weird" "if you don't want to be harassed then stop sharing that type of content". Do you realize you sound like those people who say "if you don't want to be harassed for being gay, then don't be gay" "if you don't want to be harassed for being trans, then don't be trans" "if you don't want to be bullied, then stop being a weirdo", right? Or you didn't realize that?

Antishippers say "this ship is fucking gross" "this ship is fucking disgusting". I'm sorry, didn't you see the thing that said "block button" "filter tags"? Because you can do that. If you don't like some kind of content, use the filter tags/block button. Watch the content you want to see. Use the block button and filter the tags. Search for the ships you like instead of the ships you don't like. I forgot something? Oh yeah. Use. the. block. button. and filter. the. tags.

Antishippers say "why there are so many fics of these ships on AO3?" "why people are so gross?" "why people have to write about this?". Bro- I'm sorry that you didn't realize before but- AO3. IS. A. FUCKING. WEBSITE. FOR. PROSHIPPERS. So don't start with the "Proship DNI" in your tags because AO3 is a PROSHIP web. If you don't like it, GET OUT of AO3 and go WATTPAD or FANFICTION. AO3 is for PROSHIPPERS and we're TIRED of your "Proship DNI" bullshit.

Antiship community is honestly one of the worst communities I've ever seen. There's no other community so inmoral, digusting, and horrible in the Internet.

To my proshippers fellows, if I forgot something antis say you're free to add it.

[super-hero-confessions]

I would like Zutara and Azula more if their fans weren’t so fucking mental. Look I get idolizing characters you love but these people just love constantly shitting on ATLA just because it didn’t give them what they wanted; Zuko and Katara getting together and Azula getting her redemption arc. Newsflash a-holes; thats just how it is, not everything works out in canon and that’s why the FANFICTIONS exist.

Not to mention their taste for going batshit crazy on anyone who doesn’t like their favorite character/ship. Make one negative post about “Oh Azula is so evil!” “Oh Katara wouldn’t like marrying a Fire Nation citizen!” and they’ll come after you like hawks, because they’re pathetic crybabies who get triggered by anything and cant take it when someone critiques Azula/Zutara. Hell make one mention in an otherwise unrelated post (like say for example it focuses on Supergirl and it made a comment like “Azula/Zuko is mean” whatever, but it was only one or two lines) and they’ll still start frothing at the mouth. Could you imagine if in the Totally Spies fandom “Sam x Tim Scam” shippers starting going blitzkrieg on every other ship and their shippers because they dont agree with them?

(I don’t even like Sam x Tim Scam, but at least their shippers are peaceful and know not to get shaken up on fandom arguments.)

Really just going into their tumblr blogs and you will find posts that either attack other OP’S or bitch about the show. And that is MOST OF WHAT THEY DO. You know who also does this? RWDE, those idiots who bitch about RWBY. (And yes I know Rooster Teeth sucks but still.) Anybody who dedicates their lives to being all negative and shit need to go outside. There’s plenty of stuff to be joyful about.

In short, fuck the Azula fans, fuck the Zutara fans, you both are groups of fucking petulant buffoons who need to touch grass, and Jesus get some fucking therapy you twits.

[belle-keys]

what do you think about all those who whine about how they miss the old fandom culture of interacting with fanfic writers and fanfic artists as members of the fandom community who enjoyed engagement and discussion and feedback because now content creators are on a pedestal and don't need positive feedback but do need to churn out constant content to feed the a03 machine? like 8 years ago i was in harry potter fandom and people weren't so sensitive when dealing with constructive criticism. now every message that isn't praise to the sky is hate message lol sorry but now content creators are like anti democratic leaders. they want only approval, want readers to be brainwashed into total devotion to the point of obsession and act mad that their egos aren't petted with constant praise? if they need to be cuddled better do it irl peple no longer worship writers like gods lol or go to therapy, maybe it's not too late

I’m gonna selectively disagree based on what we’re talking about… Writers of original written content should man up and respect criticism, and moreover, stay out of reader spaces. People, even hardcore fans, are allowed to read works critically amd have negative opinions. That’s the whole point of literary criticism and media literacy. I don’t believe in unwarranted praise just because someone is a writer.

However, this should not apply to fanfiction writers from my point-of-view. No fanfiction is not worthy of overwhelming negative criticism – the characters do not even belong to the fic writers and were not created by them. Fanfiction is an exercise in indulgence, in comfort, in imaginativeness. But it’s not original content. No single person is truly qualified to tell a fanfiction writer how to write their fanfiction i.e. their borrowed creative property that exists purely for giggles and creative exercises at the end of the day. That’s as hilarious as “homeless man calls other homeless man a brokeass”. How the hell can “you characterized Draco as too much of a bully in this fic when he wasn’t even that mean in the canon and his relationship with Harry is abusive and toxic here” remotely qualify as constructive criticism? The whole point of fics is that there are no rules. Like, fanfiction is an exercise in emotional fantasy, not skill. I don’t believe in providing “constructive criticism” on unoriginal written content that exists for neither literary study not commercialization purposes. Keep your negative fanfiction opinions to yourself – fanfiction, unlike literature, doesn’t exist for the purpose of critique.

You can critique the genre of fanfiction on a holistic meta-level, absolutely, there are dissertations dedicated to that. But to go on an author’s fic and be like “your worldbuilding in this ABO Destiel fic is so bad here” is ridiculous. I’d lose respect for people doing that in online fanspaces. Ignore and move on and go read something else if you have nothing good to say.

[maddys-nerd-blog]

TMNT 40th anniversary ask game: 3, 25, 33

HEY!! 😄😄 Thank you for the ask!!!

Hmmmm, well, I guess I’ll go in order for this one!

I got the impression that 1987 was strictly just for a younger demographic so I was really surprised to watch it on a first viewing as an adult and find that, yeah, it’s written for a younger audience, but the dialogue is pretty damn clever! Some of my favorite episodes were ones where the writing and comedy took the main stage and allowed for the actors to pretty much ad-lib! I found it really fun!

2003… oof. Alright. So. This is strictly my opinion and thoughts so please don’t hate me 😂 I had pretty high expectations for this one cuz from what I heard, THIS was the most amazing version. As a person who did catch some of the original airings as a kid when Fast Forward was around during 2007, I thought it was okay. But then I started watching it from the beginning with an adult perspective a few months ago…

Yeah. I’m sorry, this one ain’t for me.

Now don’t get me wrong! There are a few things I did genuinely love! 03’ Donnie and Leo? The best characters in the show. Splinter grew on me after season three and I think he’s really cool. Usagi? Badass, awesome, he’s great. A TON of these episodes were standouts for great reasons. Season One was fantastic and only got better in the third and fourth seasons! But then Season Five happened and that kinda took a downhill turn for me.

I feel like the storytelling really fell flat on its face during the last three seasons. Plus I DESPISE several of the characters from this version— Bishop. Karai. Renet. Honeycutt. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE ACOLYTES AND THE GODDAMN NINJA TRIBUNAL.

And… ugh. 03’ Mikey is the bane of my existence 😅😂😅😂

It just felt like I had all these high hopes for this one, but after finishing it recently? This version ranks pretty low 😅

2012 on the other hand? Yeah no, THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE!!! I adore that this was a love letter to the entire franchise as a whole, created BY fans, FOR fans, and every episode was a whirlwind of twists and turns that left my jaw on the floor. It’s also the first version of TMNT to get me to weep 😂 Donatello is a cinnamon roll and needs to be protected cuz THIS POOR THING NEEDS THERAPY.

And Rise is LOADS of fun!!! The animation is amazingly fluid and the character designs really work in the show’s favor! The comedy writing is witty and comes out of left field in the best ways! Leo and Donnie are the highlights for me as always ( ALSO THE BEST FORM OF AUTISTIC REPRESENTATION IN MEDIA ) The only issue I truly have with Rise is Splinter BUT I DONT WANNA RAMBLE ANY FURTHER 🤣🤣🤣

******************

My favorite AUs? Ooooof. OOOOOF THATS A BUNCH! But I’ll try to keep it quick cuz we’ll be here for decades 🤣 SO! In order, my favorite ones are:

@tending-the-hearth’s Turtle Angst AU. It’s one thing for a fanfiction of any kind to move me, but it’s a feat when the writer captures the character of the turtles so well that I can perfectly picture these conversations playing out like they’re canon. Plus, another outstanding feat is if a fellow fanfiction writer can convey the emotional pull of their works to the point to where I was crying, but DAMN, that ‘12 Raph and Mutant Mayhem Splinter conversation MADE ME CRY LIKE A BITCH. I cannot recommend this AU enough if you’re a fan of complex stories that really toy with the multiverse aspect of the franchise in a way that feels true and authentic, and if you wanna get your angsty feels, give this a read!!

@hasello’s Cousin AU is SO WHOLESOME AND SO ADORABLE AND SO SWEET I CANT GET ENOUGH. Their artwork??? Their holiday special???? Their character interactions???? UUUUGH ITS SO GOOD!!! I adore it so much!!!

@tmnt-tychou’s Ninja Turtle Brotherhood AU. DUDE, THIS SLAPS. Her turtle designs are awesome as hell and the mystery hook pulls me in!! This latest update had me so excited for what’s coming next cuz… my god, I CANT WAIT!! It’s truly a treat for all turtle fans cuz of the awesome writing!!

@pebr-writes’s works in general. Like… holy SHIT. Go read their Leonardo Whump series. THE WRITING IS SHAKESPEARE.

@figuringitoutasigoalong has been creating Whumptober stories for the TMNT for a while but DAMN!!! Her works have really given me a kick in the emotional teeth!! Her Donnie-centric one shots and her Little Donnie AU is great!! I can’t help it but god the writing is SO GOOD.

@fabuloustrash05’s 2012 Turtles in the 20’s AU. IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR A VINTAGE SETTING AND THE ROARING 20’S WITH THE 2012 CHARACTERS IS AWESOME AND SO SO SO COOL!!!! Plus, the music selections??? I LOVE jazz, so it’s always a treat when authors incorporate the classic artists in there!! Just… go give this a read please!!

@bluepeachstudios’s Ghost in the Shell AU. I would be remiss if I didn’t even MENTION this incredible story. This is up there as a top tier work of fanfiction; it has everything! Drama, whole family interactions, compelling lore and great comedy sprinkled in, the depths of Ghost’s trauma are interwoven with the world of Rise in a way that feels natural and DEAR LORD PLEASE GIVE HIM A HUG!!!

@baskeigh-ball’s AU!!! I’m such a sucker for one of those ‘the turtles get split up after they get mutated’ stories, BUT WHEN YOU THROW THE MUD DOGS IN AS MAIN PLAYERS??? IM HOOKED FROM THE START.

@daedelweiss’s Life Mission AU. Amazing. Just… everything is so good 😊

***********************

My favorite thing I made for the TMNT? Well I’d have to go with my Robbie Rist piece and my Kevin Eastman art I did! I’m pretty damn proud of those and how they both turned out. I’m not the best artist but I tried my best and used my abilities to the fullest! 😁

Hope this was a fun read!!! Thank you and have a lovely day!! 😊

[rainbowjay20]

After The Wizard

available on Tubi

Great. With better writing and acting, it would have been Oscar worthy. Nothing personal against the actors or writers. It just wasn't the best that it could've been.

I found it at a great time personally for me. I had just watched Return to Oz. I then felt compelled to continue on to both Tin Man and Emerald City. I am a bit of an Ozophile.(The Wizard not the Country, although I have nothing against UK South.*she says jokingly.)

.

I had been wondering if, other than reference at the beginning of Return To Oz, anyone had done a Wizard of Oz movie that discussed the psychological ramifications of Dorothy's incident. I am referring of course to what happens after the original movie/book.(Yes, nerds don't yell. I'm aware the 1939 movie is a general fanfiction of the books.)

When Dorothy comes home in the novels, it isn't a dream. In the movie(WOO 1939) it is treated as such but that can be even more psychologically damaging than agreeing she went to a make believe land where animals talked and magic existed. There really isn't a good solution to this conundrum of what to do with Dorothy.

In the books, Dorothy is almost sent to an asylum. Her aunt is the only one who believes her. Not to mention Dorothy would have one hell of a case of PTSD. She is only 10 or 11 years old, not the full 16 years that Judy Gardland had under her belt. (Rumors abound the Studio heads wanted Shirley Temple. Better Age but not the right fit.) Can you imagine the psychological trauma of a child that age(even at 16!) having been accused of murder, then fleeing only to murder someone else?(Yeah, okay, she kills the Nome King too. After she kills the Wicked Witch by Melting.) She is also facing the ordeal of making an overland journey across a strange land, accompanied by people you've only just met. All of this while fleeing because someone is trying to kill you, and you don't feel you did anything to deserve it! I know adults that would be in therapy for years if that happened to them, but this was a young, vulnerable, nieve child?

In Return to Oz, we see a small window into this. They had been sending Dorothy to get EST, electroshock therapy. This is prevented by a girl who is later revealed to be Ozma. It is never addressed fully in RTO if Oz is a dream or a real place.

Tin Man and Emerald City although the both start with a trip from "our"(for lack of a better word) world. But both miniseries play out solely as Oz as a real world. Both worth watching if you can.

An also add, if you can find it, it was recorded on PBS, I think. The Dreamer Of Oz with John Ritter. It's not about the Oz story but about the life of Fraunk L. Baum.

In this movie however, we see a slightly different take. Dorothy is in an orphange, Aunt Em and Uncle Henry dead. Or so it seems. The Scarecrow and Tin Woodsman are looking for her to help Oz which is suffering some undisclosed problems.

Usually, I can get a feel for the "dream cast" that the producers were attempting. I didn't have a sense of that. It seemed like it was just bad producing and casting.

As far as the acting, you work with what you have. The actor can't make a bad line good. It was stilted and uncomfortable. The best way to describe it was that they looked like they were acting.

One obstacle worth noting, the costumes. The choice was made to use practical costumes instead of digital, I assume for money constraints. The Tin Woodsman(I assume a copyright was involved there? They never called him the Tinman, always the Tin Woodsman) I don't need to describe them. I found a photo. It was just crappy. They all were.

However, given all the obstacles it was still a great movie. I can think of spots it would have been better with some tweeks. It was worth watching as a different take on the same story.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Oz stories. I own the limited edition 3 disk DVD of the 1939 Oz.

My next look out is Dorthy and the Witches of Oz if I can find it.

After I finish my current DVD pile and a Tubi movie that looked interesting. It's called Walt before D*sney. I just started it and it's so sugar coated I'm gonna need two insulin shots! I read The Disney Story. They missed a hell of a lot.

[artistgoudeau]

Black/fem reader x Everyone “The Do-Over”

Reader is a huge Blerd (black nerd) that gets transported to Attack on Titan universe in the year 843. She “luckily” was coming home from vacation. Fell asleep on the plane and woke up outside the walls (with her bags to make life easier for y/n) Now reader is curvy and has a fat ass (I DO make the rules). This, plus her darker skin and fluffy hair, drives everyone crazy. Erwin, Levi, Miche, and Hange are all very close. Rumors go around about them fucking all the time. But no one could prove it. You didn’t even know if they liked each other. You could only guess. But Erwin is always so interested in talking with you. Clumsy man seems to always drop something on the floor for you to bend over and reach. Hange squeals everytime she sees you and is NOT shy about flirting with you. You’re so pretty and she genuinely is curious about you. She ends up brushing her hands in weird places but that’s just her being extra excited. Levi is canonically a virgin so you wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable with your cleavage and fat thighs when it was hot and you had to train. But it seemed okay because everytime you looked his way, his eyes would travel up from your ass to your eyes and stay there. Miche was the most obvious. He liked to flirt and joke about what your babies would look like. How those kind of hips are rare and he would love to help you with extra training. He would sniff you often. Commenting on how your hair smelled so soothing. You catch the other three vets staring daggers at him if they happen to catch his flirting.

One day you overhear a conversation happening in the commander's office. Eavesdropping isn’t very nice.

Miche: good GOD I can’t take much more of this..

Levi: Are you some teenage idiot who can’t keep it in his pants? Y/n has probably had enough of the fucking flirting! You’re her superior! Act. Like. It.

Hange: Now WAIT A MINUTE! I know for a fact you’ve been beating off to her in the showers!

Levi: And just how THE HELL would you know that?

Erwin: Okay. Okay. Let’s not beat around the bush, y/n is very…ahem… attractive. But we can’t just all gang up on her with our feelings.

Miche: Why not?

Hange/Levi/Erwin: WHAT THE FUCK?!/ Hah?!EXCUSE ME!

Miche: whoa whoa whoa! I didn’t mean FORCE HER! I meant what if we all approached her in our own way and try to actually build bonds with her. She will feel left out if only one of us showed interest and the rest of us just ignore her trying to be nice. Besides, I don’t really want anyone else to have a chance to steal her. If we can learn to share we might be able to make this work.

Erwin: That is incredibly-

Before your commander could even finish his sentence you dropped your papers you were holding close to your chest as you leaned your ear to the door to listen. Up until that moment you had very sinful thoughts about most of the scouts. Muscles + being in an unfamiliar place with no one to relate to or really even looks like you = sad(horny) and desperately seeking an excuse to act out. It was juvenile, you knew. But you had been transported to an ENTIRELY fictional world where you knew everything about everyone and you were the ONLY brown skinned person in the walls! You had been stuck out in the wilderness when you were caught by none other than the Commander himself.

~Flashback~

You both stared at each other for what felt like hours. Him: looking at a woman with features he’s NEVER seen before. A person that only exists in the past and in his fathers stories about the world. You: completely stunned by the fact that one second you were at the airport on your way home from vacation, and now you are staring at a man (that you have definitely read questionable fanfiction of) staring at you. That would just be too good of a cosplay to have a giant naked man also running behind him to catch up to you two. Then you snapped out of it and called him by his name.

Y/n: ERWIN MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!

You were running towards him before you even registered what was happening. You ran to his horse's backside and stood at a decent distance before you smacked its ass and it ran like hell. Erwin seemed to be in a trace as his eyes followed your frame but his hearing stopped working. When his horse suddenly lurched forward he was nearly thrown off but had enough sense to right himself before turning to look back at you trying to run the titan in a different direction. What the fuck are you doing?

Y/n: oh fuck! I’m gonna die! I can’t believe this! I hope Erwin is okay! God if you’re there I need some fucking help!

God answered your prayers that day.

As if on cue (like it’s a tv show or something) the titan suddenly is struck from it’s nape and falls a few fucking feet from you!!! You didn’t even have to look up to know that it was Levi who came to the rescue. Not that you could, you were currently hyperventilating, sweating, and swearing.

Levi: hey! HEY! Look at me! Can you tell me your name? How did you get out here? Are you alone?

You had enough sense (and therapy) to try and focus on his words.

Y/n: my name is y/n. I don’t know. And I don’t know. I just woke up here.

Levi: outside the walls?

Y//n: looks like it.

Erwin finally speaks up after watching Levi save you then listening to Levi question you.

Erwin: How is that possible? There’s no one living beyond the walls and someone as unique as you would’ve been hard to miss inside the walls.

You look at Erwin and you can’t control the deviated look on your face. Both of them catch it but they don’t know what it means. You are crashing now from the rush of life saving adrenaline. You need to be quick and concise here and get your point across.

Y/n: I am not from this world. But everything you know about the Titans and this world has been a lie. *you look to Erwin and stare into his eyes* Your father was right, Erwin. And because he was so close to the truth the MPs killed him. And he WAS very close. I know the truth the king is hiding from you all and I want to make this right.

Erwin and Levi are stunned. The truth of everything?! Dropped seemingly from the sky!? This must be a trap! But Erwin's father being mentioned was entirely too specific.

Erwin: How do you know my father if you aren’t from this world? How do we know you aren’t a mad woman dressed so strangely and speaking in a dialect I can’t quite grasp. Even if you aren’t mad, how could we possibly know you are telling the truth.

You think for a moment then look to Levi

Y/n: Your name is Levi Ackerman. You were born from Kuschel Ackerman, who was a prostitute, so your father is unknown. She died while you were still young and you were raised by a man named Kenny. He taught you how to fight with a knife and then left you when you could defend yourself. You and you friends, Isa-

Levi: ENOUGH!

You flinch away but you understand. You just told a lot of his personal business right next to Erwin and you’re almost sure he didn’t know all of that. But accuracy was key here. You couldn’t be lying or crazy to recount his life in such detail. He and Erwin were stunned.

Erwin: I think it’s best if you come with us.

Y/n: please. I promise I just want to help humanity.

Levi: tch by spilling everyone’s personal information?

Y/n: no. Because I know everything that happens concerning the titans, humanity, and survey corps for the next 2000 years. And in the next five years, if we don’t change the future, humanity and the earth itself will be 80% decimated. The ground will be uninhabitable for hundreds of years. And even when humanity somehow survives. The land you all currently occupy. Your cultures. Your literature. Your pasts, presents, and futures will be completely eradicated by the outside world in the next 2000 years. Please believe me. I DON'T want this to happen and I’m sure you don’t either. What’s more, I can prove it.

Erwin: Show me.

Chapter end

Please leave comments and criticisms. I am just starting out writing fanfics and I want to make sure I’m doing something right lmao.

[in-tua-deep]

Are you into my hero academia? What about an AU or crossover with tua?

UHHHH I am technically, like, peripherally? I watched some seasons of the show like two or three years ago and since then have simply absorbed all content through osmosis, reading fanfiction that has canon events, and my sister telling me about the arcs of her fav characters lmao

so a crossover hmmm

First of all you'd have to like, establish whether bnha is an alternate universe or just The Future If No Apocalypse with quirks being traced back to the descendants of the kids born without mothers

So let's say it's that - the glowing baby was the "first quirk" but the truth is people had powers before that. But - well, the Umbrella Academy was obviously a marketing gimmick to those in the future! There were even comics based on them

In the future, you might find some of those comics in museum exhibits dedicated to depictions of powers in the pre-quirk era, but they're just fun depictions and much less popular than, oh, DC or MCU comics which are also in the exhibits!

End of s2 doesn't happen I guess in this au?? No sparrow academy at least lmao. So, the Umbrella Academy stop the apocalypse (again) and the Commission threat is? Neutralized? Whatever. They decide to jump back to the future

Five warns them that time travel is a crapshoot, that he has no fucking idea when they'll land beyond some nebulous "future" because Five can at least control the direction if not exactly how long

Also, Five is like. Super tired. Incredibly tired. Homeboy still has a healing gut wound, time traveled twice, has been jumping all over the place, gotten even more injured, experienced paradox psychosis, and managed to undo time all in the space of like, two weeks. There actually more than that but we don't have time to get into how fucking tired Five is from his ~Month of Hell

Like genuinely this is like putting someone almost delirious from lack of sleep in the driver's seat of a car and expecting to get to your destination in one piece

But hey, the siblings are like "do it uwu" and Five has sacrificed everything for them already so why not get behind the wheel again

So Five jumps them, and of course something goes wrong because Five has pushed his powers like a great big rubber band and honestly it was only a matter of time before he lost his grip and it snapped back to hit him

So here be the umbrella academy: spilled out into the future like a cup of bad coffee.

Five probably isn't in too good of shape tbh, like they're hundreds of years in the future (but hey at least confirmation of no apocalypse am I right) in a world full of superpowers and Five is like. bleeding from his ears and nose probably idk

Let's handwave a little bit - Reginald made them all polyglots so the squad all speak varying levels of Japanese. Allison is the best at it, Five is second best but tends to use more archaic words bc he had missions in Japan back when he was with the commission, and Klaus is third best.

(Ben is the worst bc he decided when he was 16-and-dead that he didn't have to do anything regarding lessons and maintenance and hasn't given a shit since - but also he's dead so)

So you have a bunch of weird adults with a bleeding child in like, an alley who have appeared from nowhere

so of course heroes get involved

Anyway, the squad get taken in and Five is conscious but like, barely? And he's not going to let himself get separated from his siblings again fuck-you-officer and there is a lot of confusion

anyway detective tsukauchi ends up getting involved and ends up having to hear this batshit story and be like "...truth." which sends all kinds of people scrambling because fucking time travel? Like yeah, it's been theorized to be a possible quirk but there's no recorded cases of any sort of time travel that is for more than 24 hours let alone hundreds of years

"I'm an adult." Five says sourly, "I just happened to be returned to my 13 year old body when I time traveled one time."

"True." Tsukauchi says, feeling his soul leave his body, but like. absently. the way he does when he's called in at 2am after getting off of work at midnight.

"I'm 58." Five says.

"Lie." Tsukauchi says, because this is a headcanon hill I will die on.

"I'm probably 58, but it was hard to keep track. I'm at least 50." Five corrects.

"True." Tsukauchi sighs like these six (seven? they keep referring to another sibling and Klaus said 'ghost' like that was fine and it registered as true and Tsukauchi is not nearly paid enough for this) are not giving him a migraine by just existing

on the bright side there's like, probably protocols in place for individuals who are Legally Chronologically Adults but thanks to quirks are Not Physically Or Not Mentally Adults with tests to determine if the individual needs a guardian or not

though i'm gonna be honest idk if Five would pass the test bc he literally cannot take care of himself at all, has never paid taxes or understands how to exist legally, and also his emotional maturity is stunted as all hell. also like. we don't actually know how much being in his thirteen-year-old body affects his mental state but yeAH Five is vibing

anyway Tsukauchi probably phones a friend on this bullshit because Time Travel Child alone is probably enough for the Hero Commission to be like "find a way to control and use it or nuke it from orbit" and that's not even touching whatever the fuck Klaus is doing (shit gets real once 'dead men tell no tales' stops being true) let ALONE Allison's whole deal

on the bright side like, at least Vanya isn't getting side-eyed that much bc Big Destructive Quirks aren't exactly unknown? if vanya wanted to i guess quirk suppressors exist for that until extensive training on how to control a super powerful quirk happens

Tsukauchi in the group chat: Aizawa please I am literally begging you to take this bullshit on

Aizawa: in this economy? with my class?

RatGod: lol we'll take them ;3c

Aizawa: no

Anyway they probably end up having to live at UA while Five insists on trying to get them home still and everyone else is like "oh hey we used to be child soldiers as well! (:" and Aizawa is like "i hate everything about this and everything about all of you but also like nedzu is making me interact with you so :/"

nedzu is out here vibing like "lol i just don't want the hero commission to get their little paws on these time traveling fuckers, i think you should make then teaching assistants or something"

honestly the siblings are probably like. figuring out how to function in the bnha universe and getting like, legally registered and stuff while Five ferally refuses bc that's like saying he's giving up on getting them home and he can do this

Recovery girl tries to heal him a little when he arrives and he passes out for two weeks like, immediately bc homeboy is running on fumes and spite at this point

also i think on principle it would be REALLY FUNNY if the squad got to tag along with the class bc like. Five is thirteen and the class are all 15. this does not sound like a large age gap. anyone who has interacted with teenagers know that the class would squint at Five and be like "who is this sassy lost middle schooler."

I feel like when I was a sophomore we were still like "freshman... babie" even though we were literally only one year older.

i think the difference between the umbrella academy and school kids would be pretty funny like. objectively the bnha kids are lowkey child soldiers?? like they're 15 and fighting villains but like, there's all this red tape and laws and stuff but,,, deku still be breaking his limbs in a child fighting ring against equally superpowered children for like. entertainment and sponsorships sooo

but also like Five would be like "oh cool when is the experimentation class"

"the what"

"you know, when your powers are pushed real hard by putting you in different terrible situations while your dad and sibling stand by with clipboards writing down the exact voltage it takes before you can't use your powers anymore when being electrocuted"

"hound dog's office is right there. therapy is available to you at any time. i need you to know this."

all might calls Luther "my boy" like one (1) time and Luther just breaks down crying probably because he is starved for positive attention

klaus and midnight get along like a literal house on fire, aizawa tried his best to keep them apart for as long as possible but god damn

(klaus: your name is shimura nana??

all might: immediately dies choking on blood)

i feel it absolutely necessary to point out that aizawa, present mic, and midnight are all like, 30? and the umbrella academy are all between 29-early 30s? they are PEERS but like. the umbrella academy are more chaotic due to childhood trauma

the umbrella academy probably get offered to like. also train to be heroes. i mean,, there HAS to be some sort of track for people who change careers right?? you don't have to cement your future as a hero when you're 15 i'm sure there must be something and the squad already have experience if they want to go be legal heroes

diego probably does at least?? diego just vibes honestly. diego gets momo to make knives during a team exercise and they just go feral on everyone else and it ends with diego highfiving momo and someone getting way to close to being stabbed for comfort

Five might just be. legally enrolled as an Actual Student? But also i think it's funny to picture the entire squad just. all in the back of the classroom with luther trying to fit into a high school desk as they take notes on the laws of The Future surrounding heroics

every word out of the umbrella academy's mouths just make everyone more concerned on principal but like, five and klaus are probably the worst offenders. Klaus just says whatever comes to mind with no filter and Five doesn't get what people would consider to be abnormal anymore like

Five: yeah our dad bought us when we were babies and experimented on us throughout our childhood in order to make an elite team of child soldiers superheroes, it happens

Todoroki: ...have you heard of quirk marriages?

izuku probably has an aneurism bc he's is the only person who might recognize them from the comics because you know ya boy extensively researched the idea of heroics in pre-quirk eras (batman was an inspiration alright???) and might dredge up a memory of a less popular comic series

Five: I can time travel but it is very hard, which is why we are hundreds of years in the future. And why I look like a child.

Kaminari: so are you a kid or not?

Five, serenely: whatever is most convenient for me at any given moment

Mina: hell yeah game the system

they have a brief lesson on astronomy and Luther raises his hand like "ooh! i was isolated on the moon for four years and did SO MUCH research" and then just gets up and starts infodumping like way too much information on the moon

Izuku sitting there like "damn if quirks hadn't popped up we could have achieved so much in terms of space travel. please tell me more giant man who lived in pre-quirk era."

Vanya finds out about the quirkless and is like "oh mood that genuinely sounds like my childhood, being ordinary in a house full of extraordinary people, and then i found out that i did have powers but only much later in life after i had already been emotionally scarred by the experience"

deku: vanya we have so much in common

iida and uraraka: concerned noises

aizawa: hound dog. therapy with hound dog for all of you.

there's probably some conflict with like, the hero commission wanting to get their hands on the time travelers?? but probably especially five and klaus as a) time travel and b) ghosts (the hc def has bodies they would like to stay buried)

five has a pavlovian reaction to anything with 'commission' in the name and hates them on site, probably plays into his age in order to become a ward of UA or something to protect him from the commission a little bit.

(this makes nedzu Five's legal guardian. aizawa has his resignation papers all prepped in a drawer marked 'in case of emergency' but let's be real, if nedzu wants to take over the world aizawa should probably be on the rat-bear's side of things :/)

five: ah, i do recall the inhumane experimentation that we were subjected to

nedzu, who was experimented on: haha same hat! want me to dig up the location of reginald hargreeves's remains so you can spit on them?

klaus: nah no worries we dumped them out in the courtyard unceremoniously like, a while back. how long ago varies for each of us because of time travel!

luther: you said hound dog's office was down the hall and to the right?

on the bright side, Luther probably feels like. way less self conscious about his body, partially bc of his fighting and all that in the 60s but also bc !! now he genuinely doesn't feel like a freak. no one even gives him a second glance. one of the teachers looks like a slab of cement with a face. gang orca looks Like That. there is literally a student with an entire bird head and goth aesthetic. Luther does not stick out at all

allison and shinso bond over having "villainous" voice-based quirks

allison and shinso having worn muzzles at some point in their youth as punishment 🤝

aizawa probably helps train vanya as well with the whole, being able to erase a world ending quirk safely thing he's got going on which makes for a very nice safety net

i don't think vanya would want to be a hero at the end of things though. maybe the assistant teacher in the music class or something?? all vanya wants is to be able to not end the world

i feel like as time goes by, five brings up trying to get home less and less. part of that is because like,,, genuinely what do they have to go back to?? Allison has Claire, but like. I'm 100% sure the first thing she did in the future was try track down Claire's records and found out Claire was like. fine. became an adult, had a family, probably became the ancestor of the first "quirked" kids who officially popped up after light baby. had a good life, died at an old age etc. etc.

they start settling into the bnha world with like, "we can always hop aboard the five express into where the fuck ever" as a plan Z if things go completely pear shaped (again)

i'mma be real, five himself doesn't give a fuck as long as there is a) no apocalypse and b) his family is alive. Like that's it. His bar is so incredibly low and yet his life keeps fucking trying to limbo under it

i just think it would be funny to have like, Five trying to get along with his "peers" and make friends while the siblings do the same but like, in the staff room

also think it would be funny for five to just walk into the staff room and get coffee occasionally.

a teacher: why is a student in here -

Five, sipping coffee: i'm an adult

nedzu like "what kind of guardian would i be if i didn't teach my new son all the tunnels around ua so he can pop out wherever"

five like "hey new dad can i put stashes of supplies all around ua of weapons, money, food, and other assorted things that might be useful if one needed to fight or make a run for it" and nedzu is like "haha just put your list of what supplies you want in your go bags on my desk and i'll critique it later!"

anyway a bnha/tua crossover would be incredibly chaotic but probably very funny

[maaji-maji-majima]

some kissing hcs for Majima?(if u can make it nsfw)

So I'm in a weird place with this. I don't want to leave you unanswered but I know you won't like the answer that I give. It has been a long time since I was active on tumblr and I'm not sure when along the timeline headcanon became synonymous with fanfiction. I appreciate fanfiction authors for their creativity, but I am not one myself. I use headcanon in the older definition of "this isn't in the source material, but it is true in my brain". They are either random things my half asleep mind thought of while walking home from work or a character analysis. At the same token your ask had crawled into my brainmeats and won't leave. So again, I apologize that this most definitely is not what you're looking for, but I hope someone out there finds this to be an interesting read.

Without further introduction, here is a character analysis of our favorite pansexual, gender fluid, emotionally stunted goblin in regards to relationships and why the he desperately needs therapy as brought to you by a different pansexual, gender fluid, emotionally stunted goblin who got therapy but probably needs more.

Trigger warnings: Abuse, self harm, mental disorders, poor coping strategies, unhealthy relationships, random tense changes, not fanfiction

Spoilers for the whole franchise, but very specifically for 0, K1, and 5.

Abuse does weird things to people's brains. In Yakuza 0 Majima has barely been out of the hole for a year. He might no longer be suffering the actual physical torture he had been subjected to the year prior, but he is still directly in the hands of his abusers and being watched every moment. He is still in a cage even if it doesn't look like one. He is depressed and likely suicidal, but doesn't follow through with those thoughts because he is determined to make sure Saejima has a home to come back to. He is willing to endure just about anything to allow Saejima a chance to exact that final moment of retribution because Saejima is the one who deserves it and Majima doesn't feel that there is any possibility for forgiveness. In all likelihood he hasn't sought out anyone for a hookup or paid company for an evening due to a combination of not feeling like he deserves anything that feels good and the fact that he's constantly being watched. The year in hole means he no longer really has a concept of privacy, but he's worried that getting close to someone, even for a few moments, could put them in danger if Sagawa or Shimano feels like holding something else over his head. It isn't worth accidentally dragging someone into his own personal hell. He no longer lives for the present, he is only living for that far-off future that he hopes isn't just a pipe dream.

Enter Makoto. At first she is a stand-in for Saejima's sister Yasuko, but it morphs rapidly from there. She is the light and kindness and hope that he hasn't seen in years and she's being dragged into his bullshit. He knows in his heart of hearts that she doesn't deserve what she is being forced into, so his mind snaps into the immediate and does everything he possibly can to save her. This is is the hill he wants to die on. Maybe, just maybe, he can end his miserable existence with a final act of good and he feels that Saejima might just be able to understand. But because he no longer has any relationships in his life that are not strictly professional or the abusers he cannot escape, he has little recollection of what a nuanced relationship or even friendship is any longer. Due to circumstance she is also the only person that he cannot keep at arm's length, no matter how desperately he tries. So he falls for her and falls hard. But in the end, after everything they go through he does the impossible. He lets her go. She has a life and a future, whereas he has neither of those. What would she do? Become his ane-san? Have some temporary happiness before she realizes she has a target on her back for the rest of her life? No. Majima believes she deserves so much more than that even though it hurts him deeply. What is one more hurt on top of everything else? He's gotten extremely good at burying his pain.

Getting to Tokyo flips a switch in Majima's brain. Like many people with mental trauma who don't have access to therapy he falls into excess as a way of self medicating. He fits virtually everything on the hedonism checklist. Drinking? Yeah. Violence? Hell yeah! Promiscuity? Yeah, but I ain't judging. Drugs? Probably, even though it isn't explicitly stated in game. Everything from his shift in personality to his wardrobe has become, intentionally or not, a defense mechanism. He has escaped from all of his abusers except for Shimano and he refuses to allow anyone to gain that kind of power over him again.

It is a double edged sword, however. His depression and PTSD are running unchecked. In all likelihood he hasn't fallen hard on vices as a way to reclaim ownership off his own body. Instead it seems more probable that he is dissociating. After everything he has been through he doesn't care what happens to his body in the long run because it isn't actually his anymore. Risky behavior, which is practically Majima's middle name, is also frequently used as a passive form of self harm because the end result is either temporarily feeling better thanks to endorphins and adrenaline or permanently feeling better after embracing death. He could achieve a similar feeling by taking up jogging and chasing a runners high, but that takes more time and energy than chugging a handle of whiskey or goading some chump into throwing hands. Sadly even now admitting to mental problems by seeking help is fairly stigmatized in Japan and it was only worse in the early 90s. Can't have a problem if no one tells you it's there, right?

Then he meets Mirei. She's intense but not wild like Majima. At that moment in time she is everything he needs. Head strong, domineering, and very, very determined. She knows exactly what buttons to press to wrap him right around her finger. And he lets her take the reigns, lets her run his life because he realizes he was doing a terrible job on his own. Better her than Shimano, right? Doing something wrong results in the cold shoulder instead of a vicious beating, and doing something right leads to more than simply the relief of avoiding a beating. He decides that making her happy is enough to make him happy. Until suddenly it isn't. He never wanted to be a father, but even the idea that he could have been was enough to cause a fundamental shift in his entire outlook on life. He could have had someone to live for, instead of just survive for. But he had no say in the matter and didn't know until the decision had been made for him. When Mirei told him she had an abortion he snapped. He hit her. The one and only time he raised his hands against her. Disgusted with himself, and wounded by her decision, he left. If he was capable of that, he knew couldn't be the person she had been trying to mold him into. He realized he was nothing but a weight around her neck dragging her down. And so that day signals the end of their short marriage. He spends the next several decades drowning in guilt for his actions while still resenting her for her choice.

That leaves us with Kiryu. Poor, oblivious Kiryu. Majima's fixation is multifaceted but in no small part due to the fact that Kiryu is one of the few people strong enough to hurt him, but is the only one that doesn't want to. And Majima just doesn't understand. After everything, he only deserves to hurt, right? Saejima, Yasuko, Makoto, Mirei. Everyone who gets too close to him ends up worse for it, so why won't Kiryu and his sense of honor seek justice on their behalf? So he does everything he possibly can to wind up Kiryu enough to Pay Attention Damnit, Fight Me. But Kiryu's response is always just flustered awkwardness because he doesn't want like fighting, it's just a part of his job, like wearing a suit or answering a phone. To Kiryu fighting isn't a thing done because it's enjoyable, it's done because it has to be. But he's still the only one who doesn't flinch when Majima brandishes a knife inches from his face.

And then Kiryu is arrested and in jail for ten years. And ten years is a long time to build someone up onto a pedestal. Like only wanting to talk about the best of a person after they've died. The same thing happened with Saejima. Build them in his mind to what he wants or needs them to be since they are not there to actively correct it. The decade is pretty miserable, going through the motions and trying to not make waves with the bigwigs while terrifying the minions into obedience. When he hears Kiryu is being released it is like waking up again. He all but waits at the taxi stand at the entrance of Kamurocho on the day of Kiryu's release, all but vibrating with excitement. It's a fight he has been waiting on for a decade, too bad it was little more than a disappointment.

So Majima decides to bring him back up to spec in that very Majima flavored way. Small fights, big fights, surprise fights. Kiryu is still reluctant because he doesn't have a reason beyond Majima's dreamed up training program he doesn't actually want to be a part of. Of course this only leads Majima to do everything possible to get under Kiryu's skin, including sharing his personal vulnerabilities while disguising them as jokes just to cause fights, but Kiryu just kind of rolls with it which leads to confusion and frustration on both sides. After a while Majima starts to get into Kiryu's hobbies, like pocket circuit, ostensibly as another form of picking a fight. And he discovers he actually enjoys a lot of it. And they are both too dense and emotionally stunted to realize they're basically dating at this point. At multiple points Majima takes potentially lethal blows meant for Kiryu and the excuse that he is the only one allowed to kill Kiryu is very, very thin. He just can't quite admit out loud that he doesn't want to see Kiryu truly hurt because that's weakness and he is Not Weak (tm).

Shimano's death and Kiryu's departure from the clan come as a whirlwind that destroys him all over again. He's left directionless. So he leaves the Tojo in an attempt to find his own way in the world, for the first time in over twenty years.

I think I need to call it here for now. I know I've left out Saejima and Daigo, among others, but I've been working on this for days and my progress has been eaten twice and I just don't have the energy to keep going right at this time. Maybe some day in the future I'll find the time and energy to write out the rest for all the other games.

tl;dr What Majima wants and what he needs are two different things. He wants to fightfuck, but he needs to be bear hugged into submission so that he can have that mental breakdown he's been carefully bottling up for over thirty years. He needs a good, ugly cry. And therapy. Lots and lots of therapy.

[brewing-mischief]

You know I'd really like to read a deh fanfiction where Connor and Evan run into each other really hard, get knocked unconscious by the force and then wake up in the hospital in each other's bodies.

The doctor's say they both have amnesia since they're all "who are you people" to their 'families' and cant seem to remember their names.

"What's your name"

"Evan...Hansen?

"Evan is fine, he came in with you and is talking to a doctor right now. What is YOUR name?"

"Ummm....?????"

The boys figure out they switched bodies but dont say anything to avoid looking more crazy to their families. I think itd be cool to read about how both of them get a little taste of what they need.

Connor gets to go to therapy (Dr.S is assuming that the amnesia is the reason Evan has gained a different personality. Thinking that since he has forgotten his trama his brain has built a new personality off of different core memories creating an Evan that is less full of anxiety? Idk I'm not a psychologist. Im thinking later Connor would slip up revelling to much of his actual life which leads Dr.S to believe that Evan has DID and that Connor is a new personality formed from the incident. He would think Connor's memories are actually a creation of a world Evan would have liked. His parents still being together-even though he knows it wouldn't work out in the long run which caused the 'dream' to go dark. Connor is like "I have no idea what you're talking about but if your chill with dealing with me I'm good" Dr.S continues to treat Connor as though 'Evan's fantasy' AKA Connor's real life is reality because he believes that this 'fantasy' is holding Evan dormant.) <- [This of course is just DR.S's psychological interpretation. Realty is that its just a bodyswap. However if you like that theory of Connor actually being a personality of Evan go right ahead a write that. I'm not stopping you]

Connor also gets to eat normal food like Pizza and tacos and anything that isnt some weird Vegan fat-free mess Cynthia makes

Connor gets he's space. Hes not constantly beaten down on by his parents for every step he takes. Heidi is incredibly chill. She's very worried about his well being but shes not invasive like his parents are who just want to tear him down. She continues to reiterate that she loves and supports him which allows Connor to slowly drop his walls.

With these supports in place Connor slowly begins to stop smoking/cutting (I have a feeling he may have also stopped at the begining because he respects the fact that this isnt his body and doesnt want to damage it but it is HARD) however most of his needs to cut/smoke are in his head. Which is awful because addiction is hard to quit. But he doesnt have to deal with physical withdrawal symptoms. (Headaches, nausea ect.) Which helps

Connor also stands up to Jared real quick so Jared learns to get his priorities straight or he finds himself left behind

Evan on the other hand has a whole family unit. He finally gets attention 24/7 which is great. Larry is a little harsh with him because hes Connor but it's less than usually since 'Connor' has no idea what hes talking about and doesnt give him a fight anymore. Cynthia is constantly hovering over him with scrapbooks to jog his memory. Zoe just tries to keep her distance but shes always in the background just staring at him trying to figure him out. The whole family is serriously just thrown off about how nice/figitty 'Connor' is. He's tripping over his words and apologizing as much as he breathes.

Evan does go through Connor's physical withdrawal because Evan is not about smoking. He suffers. The first day he keeps craving something but doesnt know what. He tells Cybthia who tries to help him match/satisfy it but nothing works. The next couple of dayd hes serriously sick/agitated. That's when Larry realised 'Connor' is going through withdrawls and is like "oh wow. Ok" and he starts being nicer. He is still somewhat stuck in the "what does it matter, Connor is going to go back to normal soon enough and it wont matter what he does right now" but Evan is being the perfect son so he cant really stay angry. He actually begins to bond with him again.

Evan just gets attention. He gets to sit down and have dinner and talk with people. He gets that family support hes been craving. He doesnt have to worry about being a financial burden because the Murphys are loaded

Evan would probably try to get close to Zoe but she pushes him away like nobody's business. Eventually she would cave and mabye do his nails or something but something about it feels off. Connor likes doing his nails and rn 'Connor ' seems to be very against the idea because "nail polish is for girls, what if people see it and think I'm a freak ect." So now shes even more suspicious about this whole amnesia thing. It wouldn't change her brother this much, would it?

Idk how Evan would think about everyone at school. Because they see him, they notice his existence but it's mostly out of fear and hatred. I feel like that would leave him a little bit panicked.

Anyway, after a week or two Connor goes over to his house to visit Evan and see how everything is being managed. Zoe sneaks a peek on them and notices something. Shes met Evan once or twice before so she didnt really make the connection until now when she can see them both. But 'Connor' is behaving like Evan, and 'Evan' is acting like Connor. Something is definitely off. She confronts them and without much of an argument to steer her off course they eventually give in and tell her what has been going on. She joins their team of figuring out what happened, how to go back and later in the story where the climax drama happens IF they should go back.

The IF drama is basically both parties know they have to go back but also dont want to....

It's just, Connor likes the freedom and trust Heidi gives him. He misses his sister but he also whitnessed his parents loving Evan more than they ever did to him. And that makes him furious because that means he was/will never be good enough for them. He takes this out on Evan since he knows Evan likes his family. He feels like Evan stole them from him even though he knows that's not true.

Evan wants his mom back. When he goes to visit 'Evan' hes a complete stranger to her and that hurts like hell. Plus He doesnt like being hated at school and furthermore he needs his therapy again. But the Murphy family is just so perfect. He has a father figure and a Mom whose always around and Zoe (who has become less of a crush through the experience and more a friend) and he doesnt have to listen to Jared being mean to him/claim they only hang out for car insurance. He has a strong support unit here and hes become more confident from the love they feed him.

So it's just this complicated mess of emotions.

I dont know how it would wrap up since they both have to go back but I think itd be really great to see these boys get better because their circumstances/situations switch. After all Tragedy is only a tragedy becuase the hero is in the wrong story. (I think I read that in a post talking about how Macbeth and Hamelt would have ended happily if only the two main characters were in each others stories since Macbeth would have killed the uncle real quick well Hamelt would have stopped to think instead of jumping in feet first. They made a good point and I want to apply that theory to this story)

Anyway those are my thoughts. Tag me if you write it

[mcrmadness]

Rambling about my (dä fan)art...

I was writing another post and this kinda got out of hand and turned into me talking about my art overall. I’m gonna put this under the cut because I don’t know if people are interested in my art nor especially in my thought about it and my “art history” basically, but if you are, then I hope you enjoy.

And yes, this is gonna be about my die ärzte fanart mainly!

So let’s start with the HELL coverart drawing because that’s what I was talking about originally:

I’m extremely happy with how the drawing turned out in the end and I like that feeling of success when I’m happy with something I have created. That is not always self-evident with myself. More than often I have plain hated my drawings or have felt like there should be something done differently, or something that I could always improve at and do better. So this feeling where I’m actually content and happy with what I have created is something new and different. I have a dopamine rush every time I look at that drawing. I like the drawing. I think it looks nice. And I’m extremely happy about this fact and I am not afraid of admitting it. Perfectionism is a curse and a gift. It can sometimes make your life a living hell when something that is perfectly good still feels like it’s not enough. When everyone else sees that what you have done is actually good or even great but your brain just keeps repeating how it’s shit and everyone else is just delusional and that they don’t see what you see. And this is like the polar opposite of that feeling. It wasn’t other people who were delusional, it was you and youself all along. You were the one seeing the image in your head and the drawing not matching that image. Other people saw only what you had created and couldn’t compare it to anything. And that doesn’t mean it was never good.

So whenever I do these comics and comic style drawings nowadays, I just feel so happy. I feel that I am no longer failing them, I feel like I can draw the image I see in my head. I finally feel like I can draw, I have some skills, I’m not a professional and maybe not as good as everyone else but I’m good at what I’m doing. This is my thing and I’m good at it and it’s enough. And I love it when I feel like I’m improving. For years I felt like I was stuck, like my skills would have been glitching somehow, I didn’t get better no matter how much I drew. But I guess I tried too much and was too harsh on myself because I believed that a drawing is good only when no reference photos have been used. And I sucked at drawing without them. I still do! I was staring at the Hell coverart the whole time I was drawing! I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I didn’t! And this feels particularly good also because this is the first time I have tried something different with these comics. I have never tried to draw a photo or existing picture with this style. I have only drawn my comics and those I have created all by myself. The clothes come from what I have seen in videos and photos but the plots are created by me alone, with a idea coming from somewhere actual usually, as inspirations do.

For comics I do look at reference photos of people sitting or standing, or I look at the mirror, or even take photos of my own hand to be able to draw something. And that’s lots of fun and also challenging because I’m mixing there my old habit of portrait drawing with my less serious comic book style but I really really do like the combination. It also makes me feel that I am memorizing what I draw and the next time when I need to draw that same posture, I no longer need the reference photos because they’re no in my brain. And in my muscle memory. My hand remembers how to do the lines now.

Here you can see one of the sketches I did in 2018 - I had this image in my head and I wanted to draw it and I just... drew it in my sketchbook. Didn’t use pencil. But now I’ve noticed I like doing these on proper paper instead of the sketchbook AND it’s so much more fun to first draw the sketch with the pencil and then draw on it with the fineliners. That I have always done with the comics (apart from one) because they take more time than these quick sketches. But here you can see Farin’s legs on the first image - I think I might have looked at reference photos for that but then it was so much easier to do the to the comic I made in 2019.

I have now also figured out that a big part of my style is not to draw just simple straight lines. I like making those sketch-like lines even with the marker. They look more rough but that’s something I like seeing with my art. That’s what I was missing when I was staring at the lines I had drawn before and hated every detail of them. They were too clean and neat.

^These two I have also drawn on my sketchbook in 2018 and I don’t really know why. I guess I was still a bit stupid and didn’t really realize I’m drawing again. But anyway, they both were inspired by my own fanfiction I have written a long time ago. It’s one of my favorite self-written fanfics and it had these two scenes I just saw in my head and felt like I could try drawing them. Maybe that’s why they are in my sketchbook, I wasn’t sure if they were going to turn out even good... The marker around the second one obviously was shit and the paper wasn’t good for it, and I never finished with it so it looks a bit weird. Do I need to say that I really enjoy drawing very small, repetative details, like those tiles? It’s so soothing, almost like a therapy.

I think that quitting antidepressants in 2013 has done so much good for my creativity. If you compare my work from 2011 to 2019, the difference is huge - all are just parts from my comics:

Can you guess see the difference? But have to admit I am jealous for myself for how I have drawn Farin’s hair to the 2011 one and maybe have forgotten to color Farin’s arm but... I actually had so long pause from drwing (~8 years) that I forgot how I did that and had to use THAT as a reference when I was trying to draw late 80s Farin’s at some point last or this year :D

Anyway, my style with the shadows is a little different when I use colored pencils than when I use markers. This is from my latest comic from this year, where I experimented with Promarkers the way I had never done before and I really like how it came to be:

I have owned this set of Promarkers (black + 5 greys) for years and have never really used them, apart from the black which I usually used for the thick lines anyway. And wanted to see if I could find some use for the greys too! (Yes that’s Bela back there - this comic was an alternative ending for Für Immer music video :D)

And I wanna end this post with a face progress comparison for all three. During this I also noticed that before I used to draw their side profiles and it was really difficult to find images where I’d have drawn from from the front. And nowadays I have mainly drawn them from the front and it’s hard to find side profiles! Interesting! Here’s one of Farin and Bela from a drawing I made this year:

Also the hand that was so much fun to draw but I also took photos of my own hand in that posture in order to even draw that - that was fun! :D

But here are the last three images - using the HELL one as the last for each, of course:

Bela has always been the easiest to draw. And the first one of these three is actually from my first ever Bela&Farin comic! I didn’t color their skin back then. With the next ones I already did color their skins too but I used darker colors to do the shadows. Nowadays I do the shadows with fineliners. Or it depends - that 2019 one doesn’t have that lol.

Damn it was so difficult to find something where I’d have draw Farin from the front :D And I see the HELL one literally is my second (or third) time drawing Farin with his grin. Or if you count all those numerous extra mouths I drew because I failed the first one, then I have drawn his grin at least 15 times by now. I probably can draw his teeth with no reference photos from now on.

I haven’t drawn Rod too many times. I can actually count about... 5 times? And then there’s only 2 times when I’ve drawn his side profile but he’s at the background. I don’t know if I’ve ever really succeeded at that, I usually try to draw his head a more round and his eyes smaller than for Bela and Farin and I was actually bit worried for the HELL one and was wondering if I’m going to ruin the whole thing. But in fact, that was actually easiest of them to draw. And STILL I’m surprised by how alike he looks in that last one. In fact, I think his dacial features are perfect for a carricature drawing so you don’t need to do more than a few lines for the mouth and it looks like his mouth. The middle one was for a drawing I made for a friend and with this I actually looked at photos so that I could draw some of his hairstyles from the 90s and I liked this one the best and it was also quite easy to draw too.

Do I even have to say that I’m not extremely motivated what comes to drawing? I feel like my creative has become what it has never been before. I still don’t really know what to draw but I just feel that whatever it is I’ll start next, it will be good. And if it doesn’t... who cares? I had so much fun with those extra mouths  of Farin which was maybe visible from the video I filmed, and that is what makes drawing worth it. Before I took the drawing process so seriously and a mistake felt like the end of the world but now I laugh at them and make fun of them and don’t take them too seriously. And I always have ways to fix these, or I can redraw. Just like I did with Farin’s mouth (or a half of his face actually) for this newest drawing. The most important thing is that I’m having fun and enjoying what I do, that way usually the outcome will also be a success.

I have now at least 2 dä comics on my to-do list (I don’t remember if there’s a third one too) + one pencil drawing that is halfway there. It will take one more night/day for it to get it finished. I also have probably 5 ideas for self-comics etc. in my sketchbook and I try to find some time to work on those. Or actually I have a plenty of time. Adhd, time blindness and executive dysfunction just make it feel as if I didn’t :D Can’t wait to get working on my next drawing projects, tho!

(I wish I knew how to make art for a living even but that’s a topic that will need its own post which I’m probably do in a near future if I don’t forget :D)

[youreverycolor]

A little rant.

So. One of my dear writer friends, @thatesqcrush, received a rather ugly message from a user who created their account specifically to target her. And this user has kept themselves from being searchable or taggable, so I doubt it will reach them, but I’m gonna rant anyway, because I don’t like it when people make my friends upset.

The message she received was as follows, in response to a Nevada story she posted today with dub/con warnings: 

“This is what happens when old horny Tumblrinas write about the sex they wish they had in their sad suburban lives. Rape is gross. Isn’t it a bit worrying that she can’t remember anything? If you’ve drunk that much, you can’t really consent. Not that Nevada would care but I’d be more than a little freaked out.” 

I’m gonna start off with a summary of my response: go fuck yourself.

Here’s the longer version:

Let’s start with how pathetic it is that someone made an account specifically to troll my friend about her writing. Talk about sad suburban lives! What are you doing with your morning that you have the time to read the story, then write a nasty criticism about not just the story but my friend personally? Maybe get a job and do something worthwhile with your life. I’d love to know if that person would have the balls to say all this to my friend’s face rather than through the faceless comment system. My guess is no.

Second, why would you waste your time commenting on something you didn’t like? If you didn’t want to read non/con or dub/con, then... perhaps don’t read it? Scroll on by? Read it and roll your eyes privately and move on? What good did this comment do, other than upset my friend? What was going through this person’s mind that they thought, “Hey, let’s start our Tuesday by sending a cruel message to a writer who I don’t even know about her sex life! That seems like a good use of my time!” 

Fanfiction writers do what they do for many reasons. Some of us (myself included) use it as therapy for stuff going on in our lives, whether to work through it or distract from it. Some of us like adding to stories that have been told, or changing things we didn’t like about them, or even creating new characters and worlds out of an existing one. It doesn’t matter why you write so much as how much emotion you put into it. So when someone sends this kind of nasty comment, it pierces us not just as writers but as people. It’s hurtful to throw your heart into something only to have it torn down by one thoughtless, cruel comment. We could get ten thousand nice comments but the one hurtful one is going to be what sticks.

On top of that, we do it for free. We take time out of our busy lives to produce art -- and yes, fanfiction is art -- for no compensation other than the joy we get out of it or the happiness we bring to others (although nice comments are always appreciated too!). Let me just tell you that when I was taking the bar exam, I worked during my day (and I’m self-employed so if I’m not actively working, I’m not making money), and then studied at night, and then I would stay up for a couple more hours writing An Unlikely Love, just because I like making people happy with a new chapter. There was a therapeutic benefit to it as well, but by and large, it was to bring joy to someone else. I’m glad to have been able to do that, but it wasn’t easy all the time, and I certainly wasn’t doing it for pay. All I ask -- all most authors ask -- is that we are respected and treated with kindness.

Fanfiction authors owe you nothing. They don’t owe you a story you like. They don’t owe you any story. They don’t need to write what you in particular want to read. They don’t have to make you comfortable. They should post trigger warnings if there’s reason to, but that’s about it. That’s all you, as a reader, are owed. And in return for the time and effort we put in to provide you with free entertainment, all we really ask is that you refrain from sending us nasty messages and move along if you don’t like what we’re posting. Some of us want constructive criticism, but some of us just want to be left alone to write -- neither of those things are wrong, but (and I have also learned this the hard way), not everyone wants your help, and if they don’t ask for it, shut ya mouth.

In sum: if you hurt my friends, I will come after you with a verbal baseball bat. No one will be offended if you don’t like what we write, but you don’t need to tell us you don’t like it. Just blacklist us and move the hell along. 

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[destieltropecollection]

Destiel Trope Collection 2019 Day 23: Mutual Pining

Falling Awake | @wildsofourhearts Rating: General Word Count: 2530 Main Tags and Warnings: Mutual Pining, Love Confessions, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester Being Idiots, Post Michael 2.0, Castiel is a mother hen Summary: After Michael is killed by Team Free Will 2.0, Dean ends up in the Empty, Michael's grace pulling a sliver of his consciousness there. The Cosmic Entity calls him out on not realising Castiel is in love with him. Dean needs to decide what to do with that information as he wakes up home.

It Started with a Fanfic Competition | @tenoko1 Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 124540 Main Tags and Warnings: characters write fanfiction, Humor, so much fluff, Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Accidental Plot, UST, Everybody's a BAMF, Cases go wrong, Personal Growth, Sibling Bonding, Found Family, Best Friends, PTSD, Therapy, Alternate Season/Series 12, Unlikely Friendships, Family Bonding,Tropes, Charlie Lives, Everyone Has Issues, Family Feels, Drama & Romance, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Wayward Sisters Summary: What started off as a game becomes a journey of friendship, love, and personal growth; filled with all the ups-and-downs that will make and bind a family.

The Park | @dmsilvisart Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 2155 Main Tags and Warnings: friends to lovers, implied affair, marriage, talk of children, marital problems Summary: It the park where they met 10 years previous, it's the park where their friendship turned relationship threatens to end now.

The One Rule Club | @spinnerjen Rating: Explicit Word Count: 4032 Main Tags and Warnings: Smut, Rough Sex Summary: Summary: There is only one rule... Consent.

begin & end there | @reallyelegantsharkfish Rating: Explicit Word Count: 7677 Main Tags and Warnings: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Catfishing, Online Relationship, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Mental Health Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sad Boy Castiel, Phone Sex, Texting, Oral Sex, Loss of Virginity, Fluff Summary: Dean: You’re not who you say you are Cas has always known it might come to this — Dean knowing the pathetic reality of him — and he always knew whatever they were doing couldn’t last. Eventually Dean would see through his excuses. Eventually he would meet someone like James: handsome, successful, confident. Someone that deserves Dean’s attention.

Cas Stuff | @suckerfordeansfreckles Rating: Explicit Word Count: 4731 Main Tags and Warnings: alpha/beta/omega dynamics, alpha!Cas/omega!Dean, pining, misunderstandings, angst, best friends to lovers, very brief Meg/Cas kiss, knotting Summary: Since Cas and Dean moved into their shared apartment closer to their college, but especially since Dean started making more and more new friends in classes and on campus and at parties, things changed. Dean changed, their friendship changed — but Castiel didn’t. Still, if it weren’t for Dean’s handwriting, blue ink on white paper, Cas would never believe Dean would be this cruel. Would never think Dean would sit down and write an actual list about all the things he hates about Cas. A list. Titled “Cas Stuff”.

Faithfully | @wigglebox  Rating: Mature Word Count: 29198 Main Tags and Warnings: Mutual Pining, Hurt/Comfort, recovery, Road Trips, Somnophilia, Bed Sharing Summary: Post-Michael Dean is struggling to recover after essentially suffering a 'cosmic stroke'. The thing he wants the most is a road trip, but with only one person.

Of Flowers and Flours | @lemonsorbae Rating: General Word Count: 4217 Main Tags and Warnings: Fluff, First Kiss, Florist Castiel, Baker Dean, Alternate Universe, mutual pining Summary: Castiel owns a floral shop, Dean owns a bakery.

Lucky | @breathingdestiel Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 1529 Main Tags and Warnings: au, best friends to lovers Summary: “He knows he is being far more dramatic than the situation warrants—Cas is only leaving for six months—but Dean has only recently realized that he is in love with his best friend and now he has to watch him leave.”

Dream House | @breathingdestiel Rating: Explicit Word Count: 26622 Main Tags and Warnings: au, celebrity!dean, misunderstandings Summary: Castiel Shurley and his best friend Dorothy Baum have decided to move in together. After his aunt assumes they are dating, she offers them money for the house, but only if they apply for a famous reality show ‘Dream House’. Since they could use the money and he doesn’t want to come out to his aunt, Castiel and Dorothy agree to fake date for the show. But things go wrong when Dorothy falls in love with the show’s producer and Castiel starts to develop feelings for one of the hosts. Dean Winchester is a co-host of ‘Dream House’, along with his brother. Sam, being a realtor, finds a fixer-upper and Dean turns it into a perfect house for their clients. Even though he has what most people only dream about, Dean is incredibly lonely. He had bad experiences with relationships in the past and he doesn’t think he will ever meet anyone who can earn his trust. Until he meets Castiel.

Solitary Flights and Second Chances | @pherryt Rating: General Word Count: 7415 Main Tags and Warnings: Major Tom, Science Fiction, astronaut!dean, estranged Cas and Dean, Pining, hurt!Dean, sabotage, some homophobic language and behavior, Confessions, Second Chances, Sick!Dean, Angst, happy/hopeful ending Summary: All Dean's life, all he wanted was to go into space. He's sacrificed a lot on the way to that dream. Now he has it and he realizes... he sacrificed too much. Way too much. Sabotage, injury and an aborted trip are a strange way to get back the things he lost... that most precious thing of all... but if he can salvage something good from all this, he'll take it. he just needs to get back home alive, first.

After All These Years | @peanutbutterjelly-pie Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 99909 Main Tags and Warnings: Alternate Universe, Fluff, Pretend Relationship, Mutual Pining, Single Parent Dean Summary: In which Dean finds himself at a wedding as Jo's fake boyfriend against his will, groaning and complaining the whole time, but still trying to appear all handsome and perfect and utterly in love since he's an awesome friend like that (and since Jo would make his life a living hell otherwise). And just when he begins to think that it won't be so bad to eat tons of free food and let his daughter Emma enjoy the festivity his gaze suddenly meets the two bluest eyes in existence and the world stops to move for a moment. Because of course the groom's brother turns out to be his old high school crush Castiel – the only person Dean was never able to forget – and things start to become really complicated all of a sudden.

Autobiography of Black | @drawlight Rating: Explicit Word Count: 14907 Main Tags and Warnings: Pining, Romance, Feelings Realization, Baking, Fallen Angel Castiel, Bunker Fic Summary: Castiel knows all human languages; Dean has never been particularly good with words. (Or: an examination of pies and stars.)

Sending A Raven | @saltnhalo Rating: Explicit Word Count: 38677 Main Tags and Warnings: Viking AU, temporary character death, mutual pining, magic Summary: When Dean, the Viking jarl of Týrvik, leaves on a raid to combat the enemy warriors attacking their ships, his husband Castiel is left to protect and lead the village. The ships return barely a week later, with damaged timbers and a devastated, leader-less crew, and suddenly Castiel finds himself not only in a position of leadership for which he is ill-equipped, but terrified for the safety of his captured husband. With the possibility of a spy somewhere in the village’s midst, Castiel leaves his people under Sam’s care and departs on the journey north to where they think Dean is being held, in a desperate attempt to rescue him before it’s too late.

Kelp! I Need Somebody | @andimeantittosting Rating: Explicit Word Count: 27090 Main Tags and Warnings: canon divergent from 13x23, case fic, mutual pining Summary: It’s been a week since Michael was defeated and Dean freed, but Castiel can’t seem to get back on the horse. Dean, on the other hand appears to have bounced back completely, with one small exception: he no longer dares touch the now-human Cas at all. When they receive a call from Jesse and Cesar to come investigate a series of mysterious drownings near their New Mexico ranch, Dean jumps on the job, much to Cas and Sam’s dismay. But more challenging than the kelpie they encounter, Jesse and Cesar’s relationship holds up a mirror, showing Dean and Cas the future they wish they could have. When Rowena and Charlie get involved, a shake-up is inevitable.

Sometimes, it's better to be alone | @notfunnydean Rating: General Word Count: 3724 Main Tags and Warnings: Dean thinks Sam and Cas are dating, crying Dean, jealous Dean Summary: When Dean discovers, that Sam and Castiel are in a relationship, he does the right thing. He runs.

Only Children and Fools Tell the Ttruth | @notfunnydean Rating: General Word Count: 4163 Main Tags and Warnings: De-aged Cas, De-aged Dean, curses, baby sitter!Sam, shy!Dean, Dean has no filter as a kid Summary: When a hunt goes wrong, Sam finds himself with two children alone in the woods. Dean doesn’t seem to trust him at first, but he cares about Castiel even more and lets a well kept secret out.

I've fallen in love many times… but always with you | @notfunnydean Rating: General Word Count: 2660 Main Tags and Warnings: Castiel is in love, Dean is jealous, sneaky Castiel, obvious Dean, first kiss Summary: Dean and Cas are alone in the bunker, when Castiel wants to know if Dean has ever been in love. In return Castiel tells him about a special person he is in love with. Dean needs to know more. For reasons.

Genie in a Bottle | @thursdays-fallen-angel Rating: Explicit Word Count: 29454 Main Tags and Warnings: Genie!Cas, side Dean/Lisa Summary: When Dean finds (okay, steals) a bottle containing a strange, glowing blue substance, he does so thinking it's a cool novelty, at best. It didn't exactly cross his mind that the substance might be a living being, let alone a grumpy, sarcastic, perpetually-underdressed genie waiting for a new master. But now that he has a bona fide genie at his disposal, well-what better chance will he have to help things along with Lisa? Except, things don't always go as expected, relationships are complicated, magic is never the solution, and sometimes the person you want isn't the person you need.

Lost Time | @mittensmorgul Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 7963 Main Tags and Warnings: Fluff and Angst, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Newly Human Castiel, Love Confessions, First Kiss Summary: Dean figured Cas was only trying to let him down easy. He needed a little bit of time to figure out how to deal with it.

Take Residence In My Bones | @babybluecas Rating: Mature Word Count: 34667 Main Tags and Warnings: implied major character death, canon divergent, angst, angelic possession Summary: Being chained to a comet is not how Dean would describe an angelic possession. It’s dark, it’s scary and most of all, confusing. When, with help of Castiel’s voice, he manages to make sense of the new experience, he finally finds some peace of mind not only for himself but for the angel as well. While their relationship unfolds in the seclusion of Dean’s head, the final battle of the Civil War in Heaven approaches inexorably and every step of their hunt for Raphael gets them closer to not being so close anymore. The question is: will Dean be able to let go?

The Return Policy | @castielrisingabove Rating: Mature Word Count: 32550 Main Tags and Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Witch Castiel, Asexual Castiel, Incubus Dean, Accidental Bonding Summary: What's the worst spell an asexual witch like Castiel could cast? Turns out it's the kind that gets him accidentally bonded to an incubus named Dean. Now, Castiel's stuck on a road trip with a sex demon companion as the unlikely pair search for another way to break the bond.

Circuitry and Dust | @almaasi Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 23206 Main Tags and Warnings: Alternate Universe - Antique Shops, Fluff, Romance, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Antique Dealer Castiel, Demisexual Castiel, Demiromantic Castiel, Virgin Castiel, Gamer Dean, Electrician Dean, Talking Birds, Dean in Panties Summary: Castiel's antiquity trading shop is a force to be reckoned with. Last week it was the pipes, this week it's the lights and the crate of ancient gunpowder. Dean, being skilled at many things, regularly drops by to fix what needs fixing. The two of them are excellent friends, and nothing can come between them - not even the shop's resident myna bird and her highly improper vocabulary, most of which Castiel insists he didn't teach her. Now, skip forward a bit. When Castiel discovers Dean's romantic affections are directed at someone other than him, the support he gives Dean regardless of his own feelings brings plenty of matters to a head. Turns out, the answer to his woes was right under his nose the whole time...

Without Further Ado | @almaasi Rating: General Word Count: 5807 Main Tags and Warnings: Canon Universe, Romance, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Requited Love, Laundry, Hunting, Lists, Epistolary, Everyone Is Alive, Love Confessions, Best Friends, Comfortably Bisexual Dean, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Mutual Pining Summary: Dean discovers a decade-old list in his pocket entitled "Reasons not to be with Cas". Every single reason is irrelevant now. So what's stopping them, exactly?

Wee Little Love Child | @almaasi Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 10649 Main Tags and Warnings: Canon Universe, Domestic Fluff, Romance, Kid Fic, Schmoop, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Team Free Will, De-Aged Sam Winchester, Cursed Sam, Mistaken for a Couple, Sam Ships Castiel/Dean, Matchmaker Sam, Rowena Ships Castiel/Dean, Matchmaker Rowena, Parent Castiel, Parent Dean, Affectionate Dean, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Sharing a Bed, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Sam Walks in on Castiel/Dean Summary: After being magically de-aged, little Sammy is under the impression that Dean and Cas are his parents. He wants to know if they're in love, but they can't (or won't) give a consistent answer. The thing is, they have to grant Sam's greatest wish in order to reverse the curse, but they can only do that as a pair. What does Sam want most? For Dean and Cas to express their true feelings. Aloud. To each other.

He Called Me Honey | @almaasi Rating: General Word Count: 3247 Main Tags and Warnings: Fluff, Schmoop, Romance, First Kiss, Flustered Dean, Supportive Sam, Terms of Endearment, Pet Names, Pancakes, Breakfast, Bisexual Dean, Nesting Dean, Angel Castiel, Food as a Metaphor for Love Summary: After having a weird dream in which he kisses Cas, Dean accidentally discusses the matter with Sam over pancakes. (Then Cas shows up. Dean is a flustered mess.)

Note to Self: Cas Loves You | @almaasi Rating: Teen & Up Word Count: 3404 Main Tags and Warnings: Canon Universe, Fluff, Drunk Dean, Bisexual Dean, Caring Castiel, Holding Hands, Love Confessions, Drunken Confessions, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Sam Knows, set somewhere around season 4/5 Summary: Dean is not just drunk – he is VERY drunk. Castiel ushers him back to their motel room, completely aware that by the time Dean wakes up tomorrow, he won't remember anything about tonight. What better time for Castiel to confess his love?

The Moonlighter and the Magician | @almaasi Rating: Explicit Word Count: 67259 Main Tags and Warnings: Alternate Universe, Historical, 1920s, Prohibition, Romance, Fluff, Drama, Social Commentary, Slow Burn, Musician Castiel, Thief Castiel, Asexual Castiel, Autistic Castiel, Agender Castiel, Smart Castiel, Musician Dean, Magician Dean, Past Sex Worker Dean, Wanderlust, Neighbors, Friends to Lovers, Sensual Attraction, Sexual Incompatibility, Bath Sex, Bathing/Washing, Cuddling & Snuggling, Sharing a Bed, Newspapers, Happy Ending, Protective Sam Summary: A Dean/Cas 1920s AU. Castiel is a jewel thief, notorious and revered in New York City. For five years he’s been unstoppable, untraceable. Like a bird courting a mate, he brings gifts to his neighbour’s window, hoping to impress the other man with glittering gems. All Castiel wants is to leave and travel the world with Dean. But although Dean’s heart is consumed with yearning for his peculiar friend, after years of being bought and broken by other people, he cannot easily give up the security of home. Can he put all his trust in the man he loves and choose adventure, or will Castiel be forced to fly away alone?

Symbols of Affection | @almaasi Rating: General Word Count: 4865 Main Tags and Warnings: Romance, Light-Hearted, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Crack, Emojis, Texting, Cupcakes, Sleepy Dean, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Baker Castiel, Elephants, Castiel and Dean in Love, First Kiss Summary: Dean texts Cas a kissy-face emoticon by mistake. However, when he sees Cas' reply, he starts to think maybe it wasn't a mistake after all.

In Which Dean Frogs Up | @almaasi Rating: General Word Count: 6326 Main Tags and Warnings: Alternate Canon, Crack, Fluff, Romance, Animal Transformation, True Love's Kiss, Fairy Tale Curses, Moondoor, Oblivious Dean, Dean in Panties, Bisexual Dean, Prince Dean, Prince Castiel (sort of), Coming Out, Charlie Ships It, Oblivious Sam, Love Confessions, First Kiss, set somewhere in season 8 Summary: Dean transforms himself into a frog by mistake, bang in the middle of Charlie's Moondoor tent. Only true love's kiss will put him back to normal. But who the hell is Dean's true love?! Since it's not Charlie or Sam, maybe Cas can shed some light.

Make You Feel My Love | @sternchencas Rating: Explicit Word Count: 24371 Main Tags and Warnings: fluff and smut, mutual pining, tattooed!Cas, music festival Summary: For the first time in his life, Dean has a ticket to the ‘Heaven on Earth Music Festival’ and after enjoying a weekend full of music, fast food, and freaky people, he takes a late night walk over the festival grounds to say goodbye. Little does he know that the weekend is far from over and that fate has a gift for him - a tall, dark, and tattooed gift. Castiel regrets many things in his life, but in the midst of a sea of tents, he makes a choice that leads fate to finally give him a break - a hot, sweet break, in need of an angel.

Love Around The Corner | @sternchencas Rating: General Word Count: 3468 Main Tags and Warnings: librarian!Cas, secret notes, fluff Summary: Castiel works at the library and finds notes hidden in the returned books, addressed to him. Will he find out who's sending them?

Changing Seasons | @mouthwashh Rating: General Word Count: 1792 Main Tags and Warnings: 12x12 Coda, confession, first kiss Summary: And so the hope dies and Dean is left in a desolate kitchen with the resolve that his angel will never show.

Hold onto me, breathe, breathe, you can breathe, you’re not drowning | @60r3d0m Rating: Mature Word Count: 4538 Main Tags and Warnings: Mutual Pining, Love Potion/Spell, Love Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending Summary: Dean grins. “You don’t wanna try it?” Cas rolls his eyes. “These usually work on first sight, Dean, so unless you want me to fall in love with you, I suggest you put it away.” Dean licks his lips. He watches Cas’ mouth. Then he tucks the love potion into the Gross Stuff drawer and turns away.

Drive, Darling | @goldenboydean Rating: Explicit Word Count: 43782 Main Tags and Warnings: Mutual pining, slow burn, bed sharing, homophobic language, john winchester's a+ parenting, bisexual dean winchester Summary: It's the last day of July and the air is thick with heat and road dust. Dean Winchester is waiting for his new lodger, some photographer from Chicago coming down to take pictures of the famous covered bridges in the area. And when Castiel Novak arrives at the Winchester farm both men develop a bond that grows stronger as the days go by. But Cas is only here for a short stay and Dean fears that falling for him would only end in a heartbreak. Some things, however, are inevitable. Summer is in full bloom in Madison County, Iowa. Hot, cloudless and ripe with possibilities.

[theexistentiallyqueer]

I would like to hear what you have to say about p5r

Oof so like–bearing in mind that I can’t understand Japanese, did not watch most of the livestream, and very much believe we all need to calm our takes down until the English release comes out so we have a better understanding of what is actually happening yadda yadda yadda–

I’m excited. I’m very excited. It looks really really good. They really dug into the meat of Goro’s character and served us a supreme fucking feast in that respect, and I’m very glad for that. His confidant is amazing, from what we can get from reading @lokiarsene‘s translations. His very central role in third trimester arc is excellent. The way Kasumire and Takuto are integrated into the stories of the existing cast rather than dominating them, a la Marie from P4G (also bearing in mind I haven’t played P4G but that’s the general impression I’ve gotten of the game), is also excellent. Additions should comment on what is already there.

I’m disappointed Atlus seems to be going for a Big Tease about whether Goro survives in the end. I know exactly why they’re doing it–so they can string us along and hype up Scramble–but I hate that they’re doing it. I get that they claim Scramble is a direct sequel but like….is it? Is it really? My money is on Goro and Sumire being DLC characters for that game.

When I say “shuake canon now,” I’m saying it with the exact same degree of belief as when I say that I personally am a Hugo award winner because I have fanfiction posted on AO3. Shuake is unfortunately not canon, because Atlus are a bunch of cowards. I haven’t played Catherine so I can’t speak to how well they handle Vincent’s relationship with Rin in that game, but the fact that they let players date Rin, a crossdresser, in Catherine, but don’t let you date any of the guys in Royal is….not a good look for Atlus. We’ve been very clearly and very successfully queerbaited, and I can both acknowledge that and make fun of Atlus for accidentally coding Akira’s relationship with Goro as so heavily romantic that you really can compare it to Shinji and Kaworu or Utena and Anthy or Madoka and Homura, but at the end of the day if Atlus were allies (and they’re not), they’d have cut those gross predatory gay men who hit on Akira and Ryuji on not just one but TWO occasions.

I will not give Atlus credit that Atlus categorically does not deserve.

I’m seeing a lot of valid criticism of the game as well. The addition of cognitive Shiho in a bunny costume to Kamoshida’s boss fight is fucking disgusting and I want to personally destroy the career of whatever jackass came up with that idea and also whatever other jackass approved it. Ryuji still gets beat up by the girls after Shido’s palace collapses, because haha, female on male violence is harmless and funny. You can still be an absolute dick to Mishima. 

Most frustrating for me is that Haru remains criminally underdeveloped and it looks like hers and Futaba’s feelings about Goro aren’t really explored with remotely any degree of what I would personally consider nuance (and believe me, as someone whose father was murdered, I have a very low bar where that’s concerned because nuance on that subject is not a thing most media is capable of). There also doesn’t seem to be much direct acknowledgement from Goro (going off of what @lokiarsene has already translated and posted and also told me while she’s working on future translations) of the very personal hell he put Futaba and Haru through, which I would again stress–I have a low bar where that’s concerned.

What I’m most interested in is how the third trimester arc is focused on mental health, specifically mental health care, a thing for which Japan is famously garbage at managing. Given that the Persona franchise is one of the few examples of overt Japanese counter-culture we get access to in the West (in that the games are openly critical of some pretty major aspects of Japanese society), I’m curious to see the extent to which Maruki’s arc critiques the Japanese mental health system. Is it just going to be about shitty malpractice? Is it going to comment on how mental illness and neurodivergency are just covered up and shut away? Is it going to talk about how when people do go to doctors, they usually just get prescribed medication as a band-aid but therapy is basically nonexistent in any meaningful widespread form?

Given the Persona series’s track record, Royal seems to be pretty par for the course: a flawed mixed bag with some really solid writing and some really glaring blind spots, if not abject failures. From what I’ve seen of Royal, I think the solid bits weigh out the not so solid bits, at least for me personally. I look forward to engaging with the finished product in a language I can understand and then picking it all to pieces with everyone else on here, come March.

[forestwater87]

201X in Review: A journey of cringe and regrets

Realizing 2020 is really close and wanted to look back at the second (full) decade I’ve actually been alive for. I feel like either a huge amount of stuff has happened, or basically nothing’s happened, but there’s no middle ground.

2010: 

Cringy 2010 photo: High school prom (in middle, dark green dress and...a face)

Junior in high school. 

Had my first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM). (Pictured in above cringy photo.)

Had just ended an extremely toxic 12-year relationship and was still figuring out how to have friends. 

Chemistry fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.

Had a super intense love for Megamind. I saw it minimum of 4 times in theaters and had a major crush on that blue lil nerd. (Began a personal grudge against both Tangled and Despicable Me for taking away its deserved spotlight, a resentment I have not yet gotten past 10 years later.)

Most regrettable 2010 memory: Getting way too intense about a new boyfriend and lowkey abandoning my friends. Not cool.

Most awesome 2010 memory: I have friends from back then I still love and keep in touch with (despite my abandoning them for a bit there). That’s pretty dang awesome.

2011: 

Cringy 2011 photo: High school graduation with one of the most beautiful women in existence. (We’re still friends, and she’s still gorgeous.)

Graduated high school! (Gym fucking SUUUUUCKED and I don’t miss it.) 

Fell in love with the college that was supposed to be a “safety school” and didn’t apply anywhere else, which means I can brag about having been accepted into 100% of the colleges I applied to. 

Started at Ithaca College -- don’t say “it’s gorges,” it gets so old so fast -- and had a miserable first semester and an incredible second. 

Started getting . . . uncomfortably involved in religious groups. (I mean, I’d been doing that since I was a kid, but it got kicked up to 11 in college.)

Most regrettable 2011 memory: Dressed as a “g***y” for Halloween. Fucking yikes.

Most awesome 2011 memory: Figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

2012: 

Cringy 2012 photo: Modeling first successfully completed knitting project. With bamboo needles because Ithaca is a hippie paradise.

Learned how to knit, entirely out of boredom in long lectures.

Technically started my tumblr experience, though it was only for a few months while I worked through some Shit by being in love with Loki from the Avengers (and THiddleston in general). Stayed on here just long enough to discover Achievement Hunter and Rooster Teeth, and never went back.

Broke up with first-ever Real Boyfriend(TM) and handled it so well I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.

Got very deep in a religious group at IC, which was . . . not very healthy and could perhaps not inaccurately be described as “cultlike.” (I owe a major apology to everyone who knew me back then; I was very much a major bitch.)

Despite the previous two bullet points, this was the best year of my life up until that point. I lived next door to my two best friends in college, loved my major, and pretty much was confident that I had everything figured out.

Most regrettable 2012 memory: Writing a fan letter to Tom Hiddleston, which included a photo of me and my phone number. I was convinced my charm and wit would totally make him fall in love with me.

Most awesome 2012 memory: Pretty sure this is the year my love affair with RiffTrax began, too. I had a posse and we’d go see live shows together.

2013-2014:

Cringy 2013 photo: A blanket that I made and sent to Jennamarlbes for her dogs, because it was too small for people. Pretty sure it showed up in a video at one point.

Cringy 2014 photo: My awesome college roommates and I dressed up to give out candy to people’s dorms on Halloween. Reverse trick-or-treating: very fun, always recommended.

HA. So much for having anything figured out.

I don’t actually remember much of this period in my life, because I was navel-deep in a major religious crisis that would continue until . . . a couple months ago, basically? There was a lot of freaking out and trying to reconcile culty fundamentalism with the freewheeling pinko that lived deep inside and was trying to break free.

Lots of therapy, though. And med adjustments. Eventually figured out something that worked. Free campus counseling was the bomb though.

I do remember living in an apartment and cooking for myself for the first time, and also playing a lot of tabletop games with my roommates. (Also drinking. Lots of drinking.)

Oh shit, was this when I started that Drunk Librarian blog? I was trying really hard to be The Nostalgia Critic for books (ew), but I remember having a lot of fun with that. That was when my lifelong vendetta against John Green began.

Most regrettable 2013-2014 memory: Did I mention that the blanket I sent to Jenna included a letter? Did I mention that letter included some bible verses I thought she would appreciate????

Most awesome 2013-14 memory: Started a knitting club. It was just like 4 people hanging out and not knitting.

2015:

Cringy 2015 photo: Me being emaciated, makeup-smeared, and proudly showing off a collarbone piercing. That piercing has since rejected, but was in fact cute af.

Graduated college! Summa cum laude, bitches. (And an unfinished minor because I didn’t feel like taking the one (1) class I needed to graduate.)

Started library school and moved back home with parents. That was . . . an adjustment.

Changed library school “majors” halfway through my first year, after a lot of soul searching and panic attacks.

Had a short but catastrophic relationship with a man 9 years older than me (who was my pastor. Awkward). Religious crisis continued.

Got really skinny and hot because I was too miserable to eat. Dyed my hair red for the first time and looked basically like Ariel.

Discovered Party Hard and got really good at killing people.

Remembered how much I fucking love my parents’ dog:

Most regrettable 2015 memory: Being that person who “thought I could change him.”

Most awesome 2015 memory: Did you see how cute that dog is? His name is Oscar, after Oscar the Grouch.

2016:

Cringy 2016 photo: I had this huge thing for 1950s dresses for a while, complete with petticoats.

Grad school continued.

Religious crisis continued.

Therapy happens to deal with Things, is quickly dropped due to money and lack of shrink-chemistry.

Discovered a dumb little web cartoon with a teensy fanbase and no love for my favorite ship. Began work on a fanfic to correct this.

Finished a long-form fanfic for the first time in my entire life.

Virtually abandoned every other fandom to hyperfixate on this for the rest of my life.

Got super political, then super depressed. Quit Facebook because I realized I hate everyone I’m FB friends with.

Discovered Stardew Valley and never got anything done ever again.

Found Tumblr again (needed it to keep in touch with my first-ever beta reader, @raenbowsofficial) and turned into fandom and politics trash.

Most regrettable 2016 memory: Man, was I cocky about that Hillary Clinton winning the election. Oops.

Most awesome 2016 memory: I mean, CAMP CAMP. Obviously.

2017: 

Cringy 2017 photo: My first day of work as a very bisexual-in-denial librarian.

Finished grad school and became a certified librarian (in NYS anyway)!

Got a job at a local college, including my own office!

Shaved half my head!

Moved into my own apartment and adopted a cat, fulfilling a goal over 7 years in the making!

Became friends with two of the most important people I’ve ever met. Visited one of them on a semi-impromptu 9-hour drive to Virginia and met IRL for the first time. First ever all-night solo trip, one of the best days of my life.

This might’ve been the year I got the VFD eye tattooed on my ankle, though I can’t swear to that.

Was part of my first long-form tabletop RPG with friends from college (and friends-of-friends). Was very emotional and also quite gay.

Rediscovered Megamind thanks to excellent fanfiction. That shit is still great.

Currently the best year I’ve ever had. 

Most regrettable 2017 memory: I should’ve attended my graduation from library school instead of deciding it didn’t matter. It mattered a lot.

Most awesome 2017 memory: Seeing the-artist-formerly-known-as-ciphernetics in person.

2018:

Cringy 2018 photo: Um, apparently we don’t get one, because there’s an image limit to these posts. Lame.

Was laid off and took 6 months to find another full-time job. Spent most of that time depression-napping.

Said full-time job lasted 4 months before I ran like my shoes were on fire, because it was morally . . . suspicious and left me borderline suicidal.

Got very fat because I was too miserable to stop eating.

Had to cut my hair so I would look “professional.” Looked like my ex-boyfriend. My mom said I “looked like a Trump supporter.” To-date the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Moved back in with my parents due to not-having-job-ness (got to bring the cat, though).

Lost parents’ health insurance and had to pay for my own. Discovered health insurance is ridiculously expensive.

Became super left-leaning thanks to the power of Tumblr and Youtube (and possibly that super expensive health insurance thing). 

Writing came to a virtual standstill, though I managed to organize and actually finish participating in all of Gwenvid Week (for the first time).

Two weeks after quitting the job from hell and three weeks after moving back in with the parents, I was offered my old position back. Accepted. Was once again a college librarian.

Most regrettable 2018 memory: Knowing I didn’t want the nightmare job and accepting it anyway. Might’ve been the only choice, but it caused a lot of unhappiness.

Most awesome 2018 memory: The day I was laid off, I hopped on a plane and went to fucking Disney World. Because why not?

2019:

Started work again. Finally (mostly) stopped having panic attacks about being fired/laid off out of the middle of nowhere around 8 months into new job.

Fewer paper cuts than expected.

Accidentally became associated with dinosaurs at work, despite not having any sort of special affinity for dinosaurs.

Did develop a deep and abiding affinity for octopus. Also elephants.

Took cat to doctor. Cat didn’t enjoy doctor. Cat is now 8 lbs. and 14 oz. She is big girl.

Rediscovered the joy of reading again. Newly discovered that mysteries actually can be pretty awesome, and read barely anything else all year. (Personal recommendations: The 7 1/2 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton and Waisted by Randy Susan Meyers.)

So. Many. Youtube. Video. Essays.

Discovered Stardew Valley mods and eventually broke 3k hours of playtime. 

Napped frequently. Panicked less frequently. It’s a step in the right direction.

Most regrettable 2019 memory: This post sure is long and over-share-y, isn’t it? Didn’t even include a cut so you could more easily scroll past my face. Inconsiderate, is what that is.

Most awesome 2019 memory: This one is pretty good. Right now.

2020: 

??? 

Profit.

[everyday-effing-therapy]

04/06/2020

Hello,

There are so many things I want to say. Hell, there are so many things I have on my mind, which make me uneasy or unable to sleep.

Listen, I know that I don’t really have a following here per se and probably every single post gets only a couple of reads, hopefully, but I like writing here mostly because I can put things “on paper”. Save them for later. Be able to read them and know what was happening with my mind during a certain time. That’s why I’d like to post more here, because in situation of posting every day, or even every other day you are able to follow the events much closer and more accurately. 

However, there are times when I don’t really feel so good. The pressure of school, future, hopes and dreams becomes unbearable. And although that’s probably the time where I should post the most, because this therapy, everyday effing therapy, is one of the best things I have, but at those times I feel so unmotivated that I can’t bring myself to actually write or post.

When I start writing, I want to post on the same day. It doesn’t have to be in an hour or two, but in general, I find it really hard to relate to content or post I started writing even a day or two before. I forget what I wanted to write, what the order was supposed to me which makes me discouraged. 

My art teacher once said that he is going to try to give us assignments that we can complete during only one lesson. The reason behind that was that in a week you are going to be a different person than you are today and a week ago you were a different person that you are today.

I was afraid of our art teacher, but I guess overall he never hurt me, never said anything rough, never dismissed me. I was doing the project with him and I feel safe to say that he became my inspiration in life, although I can’t really say I liked him. 

You have no idea how many drafts of posts I have saved. I don’t know, maybe one day I’ll post them. Short stories, with almost no visible meaning. 

Thay mean something to me though. Every single day is a blessing, which I am deeply aware of. The fact that I can feel like shit and not want to leave my bed is one hell of a paradox, but that’s something that happens to everyone. 

I am trying to remain positive, but I guess in the light of recent event, the Black Lives Matter movement, I got really pensive, which furthermore influenced my already not-so-good mental state. Seeing posts on social media made me rethink a lot of my actions. I firmly believe that we are the spactators of a much needed change and I am remaining hopeful for the future. I am sending all love and light to my black comrades everywhere. 

I miss my friends. Like hell. I’ve seen V twice since March and I’ve been talking on the phone with her somewhat regularly, but since the middle of May we stopped. Our exams are approaching, they start on Monday and we are scared shitless. 

The entire country created this habit of telling seniors that the end of school exams are the most important thing in their lives, which puts exorbitant pressure on us.

See, when I am left alone for a prolonged period of time, I start hurting.

I tried dealing with it, so I started listening to music, songs I haven’t heard before or albums I didn’t have the time to listen to. It’s amazing, but it just builds the pressure furthermore. 

I guess my lacking state stems from me being alone, which is quite a normal and regular thing to happen. Usually, my lows happen in winter, when it’s cold and dark and then during holidays when I’ve been alone for a prolonged period of time and managed to get bored with literally anything. 

I do need some alone time, certainly when I’m forced to deal with a lot of people every single day. I am a people’s pleaser, in a way, always trying to descalate conflicts, be actually nice, helpful and get along with others. Because of that, the quarantine cerainly helped, because I was a shell of a human in March, my relationships were a mess, I was lost and unable to deal with anything.

It’s not that much better, the ache in my chest is killing me, but the situation’s different and that’s what matters. I let go of the people who don’t fight to keep my in their lives (cause how long can a relationship exist when you’re the only one trying). 

I started spending time with myself, finally exercising more, eating less, drinking more water, caring about my hair, studying too, and, I guess, amidst all of that I realised that I can go on like that for three-four months and then I’ll start needing people desperately.

You know, I just want to go out with my friends, have a house party maybe, get absolutely mortal, hold their hands and hug them like I always do. They don’t exchange the surprised stares anymore, because they got used to it, used to me being like that. It feels like yesterday that we came into that school, hopeful and pure and now we’re leaving it like a battlefield with scars covering our souls. I don’t want that to make us less caring, less loving, less tender. 

I miss my closest friends V and Su, I miss my angels from English class and the knowledge that we’ll never sit like that again makes me sad beyond comprehension.

I miss my sweetest girls, the ones that hyped me up and the ones that were always there to listen. I miss the smartypants of my class. I miss the boys I talked to before classes. I miss Black, Silver and Gold. 

To be honest, I just want the exams to come. So that I am able to go to school, deal with them, see people.

And breathe with relief. 

Was high school the best thing in my life? I guess it’s hard to tell, in some ways yes and in some ways no. It was so much different than I was expecting and then it was also what I was expecting. It was happiness and sadness, being brokenhearted and healing, feeling how it is to not understand something, to fight, to try to understand yourself.  

It was a time of great concerts, sleepovers with friend, tons of parties, getting absolutely mortal, falling in love, being rejected, being wanted, feeling pretty, feeling myself and then losing myself as well. Loving the classes, hating the classes, being everything.

Sometimes I forget how amazing the days are, so enriching and filling you with a sense of calmness that no one can replace. 

But well, it’s almost summer now. It finally started being warmer, I am jamming to older songs, sitting in my room with a computer and I feel such nostalgia that it’s impossible to describe.

I fight everyday. I fight to do things, to study, to write posts, to care about my hair an exercise and not just lie in bed reading fanfiction or watching YouTube. You have to live your life before you start spending hours on following somebody else’s. 

If you are struggling, i wish you all the best, all the light ahead of you. Be happy during your journey. Stay safe.

With love,

C