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#but why would i ever try to care less?
jaevy · 1 month
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your room was square
i once noticed from there
in your bed, as you slept
and i held my breath
everything had its own place
and i wondered what space would i take
in the order you kept
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#in this drawing i wanted to use the song ‘Square’ by Mitski#personally i feel like this song is about being in love and trying far too hard to be the perfect lover that you are incapable of being#to me it’s like trying to see where you fit in that person’s life and not knowing where you belong in it#but then you’re still longing for that feeling of belonging there with them#so you self-destructively go to great lengths to ‘earn’ your place with them#i feel that the self-destructive behavior of trying to be that perfect lover just to ‘earn’ their love#is exactly the ‘burning’ that Mitski describes#it hurts trying to fit in but not quite succeeding again and again and again...#this is something that i think i relate to#trying far too hard to belong with someone who is 'only sometimes madly in love with me'#and says that i 'wouldn't be their first choice'#-that person kept switching between wanting me as a friend and a lover and now i am neither#and yet therein lies the problem: if i cared less and gave less effort#perhaps we could’ve worked things out without me trying too hard to “earn” their love#but why would i ever try to care less?#the situation was doomed from the start and i lost a friend in the process#i made this illustration to reflect that the best i could. I think the square motif was particularly obvious—#the canvas itself is a square and the illustration itself has to fit in a square box#everything else i drew would have to fit within this box to maintain the “order”#the colors are all some type of blue with not too much contrast except for the text eyes and teardrop on the figure#i wanted to keep contrast low within this illustration— everything should be “fitting in" after all#for the figure itself i wanted it to be clear that the figure is being forced into that square#its body’s being forced into that half of the box and even then its head is forced downwards#it’s clearly not fitting comfortably but it’s sure trying its hardest to#also also also!!! i wanted to do more angular shapes with this drawing because square and whatever lol :P#i don’t think i was particularly obvious in communicating that in the drawing though#but anyways i just wanted to draw to help process something that happened to me a while back :0#i still think i love that person but just like how i don’t have a place in their life#i don’t think they have a place in mine and i think i’m starting to make peace with that :D#jaevyart
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presiding · 6 months
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a doctor turned serial killer turned doctor again, an actor who paints, a gang leader, a mining baron, and a vice overseer walk into the room.
oh yeah and they lead karnaca now.
dishonored 2 is my fav game but i think it's mid, story-wise. here's why dh1 works and why dh2's overarching story sorta misses
tl;dr: story integration is critical for gameplay that offers audience payoff, but emily's personal arc from dishonor to honor is inconsistently demonstrated in the story, and is not an interactive part of the gameplay.
essay/long version under cut >
recap: what's dishonored's deal
[skip if you want] dh1 is an underdog story: corvo is an honorable man swept up in the machinations of a callous city, so his canonical ending being 'this child will rule over an empire' isn't about the child's rule but rather about corvo's reputation being restored in a more hopeful city, due to his & the player's rejection of the violent connotations of the tagline 'revenge solves everything.'
similarly, in dh1 DLCs, daud's story arc is that of an anti-hero: a dishonorable man who realises too late he has done irreparable harm. he sees the error of his ways after a single monumental death, and eventually a single life redeems him when he/the player stepped in to circumvent a terrible fate for a child, enabling her to rule unfettered.
daud & corvo come to a satisfying conclusion within the extent of their narrative arcs. it doesn't matter that a child on a throne isn't really a fix for a decaying empire - the player's actions throughout the city of dunwall was what mattered - and these stories could be framed as parables. in that sense, young emily as a ruler is a metaphor for a hopeful future for the city & empire.
dishonored 1 & its DLCs are also great examples of storytelling with perfectly integrated gameplay - you, the player, worked towards the outcome that redeemed the protagonists.
in your efforts to save young emily, you either achieved a good outcome (corvo) or prevented a worse outcome (daud).
bringing us to dh2 -
what's emily's arc
emily's arc is a coming of age: we're introduced to a reigning empress who questions her role & skillset ("am i the empress my mother wanted me to be?"), then her titular fall from grace occurs. from there, she learns to reject the violent, selfish connotations in 'take back whats yours' tagline (a la daud & corvo!) while rediscovering why her rule is critical to the empire.
emily's rule is no longer metaphorical, but:
a literal thing for audience assessment (is emily a good ruler?) AND
the crux of her storyline.
at the beginning of dh2, emily is introduced as a disengaged leader ("i wish i could just run away from all this;" "i dont know if whether i should sail to the opposite side of the world, or have everyone around me executed"). the antihero has a precedent for the dishonored series in daud, so it's not at first glance an issue*, however, the fact that emily has ruled poorly reframes corvo & daud's endings as being less than ideal (a moralistic retcon) *we could talk here about how ready an audience was in 2016 for a flawed women as a protagonist, hell, even in 2023,,,
throwback to the beginning of this essay when i said:
'this child will rule over an empire' isn't about the child's rule but rather about corvo's reputation
emily's story arc, unlike for daud & corvo, is literally about the quality of her rule. we're no longer in metaphor territory (ironic phrase): a parable-style ending doesn't work.
does emily become a good ruler
we know she becomes a good ruler because the game says so. it is narrated to the audience via a (literal) word of god in the space of 30 seconds, after the final boss. the outsider tells us that emily becomes known as Just & Clever.
drawing a distinction here - this narration is not the same as the player actively being involved.
the player does not throughout the game become aware that emily has made political allies. during the game, she doesn't talk to these characters about saving karnaca or being a better ruler to the empire (there's a few lines might imply it, but you need to be actively looking and being careful to wait for every voice line. it's a far cry from daud & corvo's fight to save emily being unmissable - even though daud doesn't know at the beginning that's the goal).
how does the game show it
you can coincidentally not kill most of your subjects and never be aware that emily is looking to restore karnaca by means of instating a council - it's never brought up. it *couldn't* be brought up, because that council serves under the fake duke (armando), who is the last person she speaks to before she leaves for dunwall. its her suggestion that he rules karnaca, but armando's condition is that he will rule as he sees fit.
to back up a bit, emily's canonical method of restoring karnaca is by banding together key allies - hypatia, stilton, [byrne &or paolo], pastor, under a council beneath the duke's body double. they are passionate people who would each individually make worthwhile advisors, but if you think about those characters sitting at a table trying to reach an agreement, it feels like an assortment of people that emily didn't kill along the way and doesn't feel organic (up to interpretation). it's not stated if emily herself banded this council together, but logically she must have (worth a mention these are mostly characters that you as the player had reasonable rationale to kill during a high chaos run, except pastor). the underlying concept may be that karnaca's power is returned to its people - which is interesting given that the monarchy remains and armando's decision is final.
this overarching solution could also be taken as a critique to dh1's 'put your kid on the throne,' which is another reason its worthwhile looking at how emily was shown to be a better leader. obviously my point isn't that her solution was bad given the circumstance, but i mean she has very little agency here in all. if emily was shown to be more controlling as a leader, this could be interpreted as character growth, but that's not the case.
coming of age
how do you learn & grow when you can't specify your failings? emily doesn't really touch on her shortcomings as an empress. she non-specifically worries delilah makes a better empress than her. it's hard to argue her worries are meaningful when someone good at their job will still worry when lives are in the balance.
emily's best 'aha' moments (eg. crack in the slab comment about gaining perspective) are consistently undercut by a conversation with sokolov or meagan afterwards in which she demonstrates she hasn't learned anything (before the grand palace, emily condemns 'toadies sucking up to me' and is reminded by meagan that she's part of the problem). the story is confused about what it's trying to say about emily's progress, and when she's meant to show progress, if she was meant to show any progress at all. it could be argued that emily was never even a bad ruler, she had just been fed misinformation about the problems in karnaca and been the victim of slander by her political enemies. the game doesn't make this clear - it's easier to argue that the opposite is true given that her allies only have criticism.
worth a mention here that the heart quotes about armando - a fake ruler - interestingly mirror emily's character concerns. "see how he sighs? his life is a gilded cage." but this essay is already long.
while corvo & daud spend their games (and through the gameplay) 'earning' their redemption, emily is being led by the NPCs around her to a conclusion and a fix for the political mess in karnaca: meagan & sokolov guide emily to her missions, and there's no recurring quest for emily to investigate possible allies. she is able to gather the people she hasn't killed to herself by manner of... post-game narration. during the game, she's primarily concerned with getting her throne back.
an easy fix: if there had been less dialogue & narrative focus on emily's failings perhaps the ending would have felt more satisfying. it has the feel of cut content, but i don't know what was cut to be able to comment on it.
so what went wrong?
i can't help but wonder if arkane were worried they would lose a certain demographic if corvo wasn't playable (may have been deemed too much of a risk - 2013 was a different time), and so they had to take out story elements that were unique to emily's growth as a character/empress, because the usual storyline/gameplay integration had to work for both characters - in other words, gameplay that made sense for both corvo & emily was prioritised before emily's story & character development. which is a silly problem to have in a game that added character voices for the sake of improving characterisation - maybe emily's tale would have felt more akin to a parable if she had less lines that betrayed her ignorance (to the disdain of those around her).
i wish more care had been taken with emily's story. most players will never really notice the large variety of different endings - they're not particularly satisfying in and of themselves.
it's ironic that one of Emily's complaints is about her father/protector being overbearing, when his (parallel universe) presence in the gameplay may be one of the reasons her own narrative arc falls flat.
what are the upsides here
changing tune from what didn't work - don't you think the concept is fantastic? it's a great idea overall - can you imagine if the coming of age storyline was better integrated into the game?
it's valuable to talk about the integration of story and gameplay and characterisation from a craft perspective. dh2 genuinely is my favourite game - it's beautiful, the imm-sim design philosophy makes the world a delight to explore, the combat gives endless creative options for tackling any fight, there is a far greater diversity of cast in an in-text canonical way. there's loads to love!
i love emily as a dodgy leader, to me it adds interesting dimensionality to the outsider's narrations - of course in dunwall there's never a neat happily ever after! emily, like the outsider, both work well as characters who hold ultimate power but aren't necessarily worthy of it - and this makes perfect sense for the dishonored universe's morality & critiques of power. however, within this grey area there's still plenty of room for a satisfying ending, which isn't what we ended up with, whatever the true reason for that was. and also, damn, emily's a marked assassin empress, if she can't lead well then who can?
while dh1 was criticised for its narrative simplicity, dh2 in contrast and in hindsight shows us that simplicity isn't so bad - there's satisfaction in gameplay achieves a clear, simple narrative goal.
#are you a dh1 enjoyer but less so a dh2 enjoyer?#have you ever wondered why you don't love dh2 as much?#here's 1.8k words that might articulate some of that.#light reading.i guess#this essay wasn't meant to cover everything - just the core of the plot and why its important to integrate story & gameplay#and to compare dh1 & 2#dishonored#dishonored 2#dishonored 2 spoilers#emily kaldwin#daud#corvo attano#this week i'm cracking things out of my drafts!#<333 don't get me started on doto.#some of this might be contentious. idk i try to live in a bubble#the meme version was easier to read i know i know#this essay would have been a lot longer had i integrated more references from the game#i know a few others have said this but imagine if they went a different way with emily#like she realises shes not fit for the job and maybe no one is and says fuck the system cause shes got a rebellious streak#and does a kickflip on the monarchy and institutes something else. i dont even care what. make it funny#and then for the sake of continuing the trend we spend dishonored 3 undoing the horrible leadership emily instates <3#i think they really loved emily as a character. i FEEL the love i believe its there.but didn't think enough bout how she would be perceived#there's a good couple comments from baldur's gate 3 devs about how much work goes into writing women to account for sexism#there's more that i could have added to this essay but for brevity's (ha.ha) sake i'll leave it there#other textposts about this game that i see around tend to romanticise dishonoreds story a little more
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rmbunnie · 2 months
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Red Hood Characterization
This is really long so I'm putting a cut here, I've been thinking about Jason Todd's character motivations and the question of whether or not his actions are based in a Moral Code (I don't think so, not to say he's without any morality) and I talk about that in more depth here.
I saw someone say on here that Titans: Beast World: Gotham City was some of the best Jason Todd internal writing they'd seen in a while, and I've been a Red Hood fan for 8 years or so now? pretty much since I read comics for the first time, so I went and checked out and I thought it was good! The way the person I saw talking about it as if it was rare and unusual made me wonder though, because as well-written as i thought his stances on crime were, there wasn't really anything in it that went against the way I conceptualize Jason?
This kinda plays into a larger question I've been thinking about for a while with Jason though, which is that, do people think that the killing is part of a fundamental worldview that motivates him a la batman, and that worldview is the reason he does the things he does?? Because 8 years ago i was a middle schooler engaging with fiction on the level that a middle schooler does, so I simply did not put much thought into it beyond "poor guy :(" but ever since I actually started trying to understand consistent characterization, I don't really see Jason as someone who's motivated by a moral code in his actions the way batman or superman is!
tbh my personal read is that he's a very socially-motivated guy, his actions from resurrection to his Joker-Batman ultimatum in utrh always seemed to me like every choice made leading up to his identity reveal was either a. to give him the leverage and skill necessary to pull off his identity reveal successfully, or b. to twist the knife that little bit more when he does let Bruce find out who he is. Like iirc there's a Judd Winick tweet like "yeah tldr he chose Red Hood as his identity because it's the lowest blow he could think of." And I think that's awesome, I think character motivations rooted so deeply in character's relationships and emotions are really fun to read! I also think it's where the stagnation/flatness of his character comes from in certain comics, because if his main motivation is one event in one relationship that passes, and he is not particularly attached to anything in his life or the world by the time that comes to pass, it's a little harder to come up with a direction to go with the character after that, because there isn't much of a direction that aligns with something the character would reasonably want? But I do think solving this by saying "all of the morally-off emotionally driven cruelty he did on his way to spite Batman was actually reflective of his own version of Batman's stance that's exactly the same except he thinks it's GOOD to kill people" isn't ideal. To be fully honest, it seems to me like he never particularly cared one way or the other about killing people to "clean Gotham of crime," he just did everything he could to get the power necessary to pull off his personal plans, and took out any particularly heinous people he encountered along the way (like in Lost Days.) Not to say I think the fact he killed people keeps him up at night anymore than everything else in his life events, I just never really thought he was out there wholeheartedly kneecapping some dude selling weed or random guy robbing a tv store for justice.
Looping wayyy back to my question, Is this (^) contradictory to the way he's written/the overall average perception of the character? Because like I enjoyed his writing in Beast World i have zero significant issue with anything there, I just didn't believe it would be a hot take, like yeah, that is Jason. It's been a while since I've read utrh and lost days, but I don't think my takeaway directly contradicts either of those too bad iirc. Idk all this to say I think Jason killing and being alright with killing is an obvious and objective fact, but i guess i've always seen it as more of a practical tactic than a moral belief, and I think taking the actions made during the lowest points of a character's life where he is obsessively focused on this ONEEEE thing and trying to apply it as a Motivating Stance to everything he's done after that, doesn't really follow logically for me.
#edit: i am so so open to discussion and disagreement on this but please try to have something substantial to say. god bless!#like ofc jason kills but to me it was less “everyone I've ever killed deserves death objectively”#and more “when people are dead they stop doing things like heinous atrocities and trying to kill me"#i don't even think he wanted the joker dead (only) because he thinks he objectively morally deserves death#although the joker is one of the most extreme cases possible and he if does think that he's VERY justified#i really do think it was just about bruce#and wanting bruce to avenge him to show he loved him and he mattered and wanting his dad to give him security#all the killing was about the clown and everything with the clown was about bruce#i've NEVER forgotten the bit in lost days where he has the joker tied up at gunpoint and doesn't kill him#i think if it was only about a moral greater good situation he would have taken him out then and there#if you disagree i'd love to hear why provided you can be civil and not an jerk#also if you disagree PLEASE PLEASE put screenshots and comic issues if possible#i'd love to check them out and form my own stance on them#just know that if you say like. battle for the cowl. or the Tom King batman annual or something i probably won't care too much#comic characterization is ever-changing and inconsistent i truly believe that the best thing to do is just read the important stuff#and try to form your own stances from there#because there's never gonna be 100% of comics involving a character that align with each other perfectly and that's just a given#jason todd#red hood#dc comics
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There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.
#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz#ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and#then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc.#Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific#cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or#etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as#you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on#accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have#as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence#of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate#versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a#neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest#ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling#and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for#documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like#sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I#can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If#I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my#ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ??#Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be#accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor#focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it#were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan#that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is#some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my#kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means#i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m#in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in#one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability#& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER
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oncillaphoenix · 5 months
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it's kind of frustrating that essentially all the advice on tumblr for functioning when your brain's not working properly assumes By Default that your brain's not working properly because of depression.
like. don't get me wrong, i'm glad there's advice for people with depression. and i'm totally capable of going, yeah ok this post isn't meant for me, moving on. but...when you have to do that with every advice post, when everyone around you is promising that everyone will feel better if they can put in the effort to do these things you know will make you feel worse, you start to wonder where the heck the posts that are meant for you are.
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offsidekineticist · 7 months
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△ Theo (bleachling specifically), if you could have 5 minutes of time to speak to your brother again without any other distractions or interference and he HAD to listen. What would you say to him?
Under a cut because this is like 11/10 so CW: panic attack and self-harm (intentionally aggravating an old injury as a response to anxiety)
He freezes. His expression, previously warm, goes mostly blank. Mostly, except for the ways his eyes widen and his stone gray flesh turns ashy. He opens and closes his mouth several times, and you realize he's trying to speak but nothing is coming out.
"Please...don't make me answer that," he finally chokes out, trying to hold a stoic expression but shaking nonetheless.
"You must answer. Those are the terms," the Questioner says. Theoven wraps his arms around his chest, hands tucked between his side and his arm less carefully than you would have expected, the shaking persisting.
"I...I don't think I'd be able to speak," he says, voice unsteady. "Does - does that answer the question? Please, I swear, every time I saw him - or the thing that seemed like him - in that place, I couldn't - it wouldn't - " he stops himself, and you see his shoulders bobbing up and down with every breath, each breath coming more quickly than the last. He nods in a hollow imitation of confidence. "Yes, that is my answer. I wouldn't be able to speak."
"'Without any other distractions or interference,'" the Questioner repeats. "Loss of the ability to speak would inarguably be a distraction."
"I don't want to see him!" Theoven barely gets the words out through the sob he cant hold back any longer, and now his cheeks are darkening again, and he squeezes his eyes shut trying to clear the tears. He slouches, curling in on himself, arms held so rigidly against his body that his hands must hurt terribly, and you can tell the only reason he doesnt curl up into a fetal position is theres no room for it at the table where he's seated. "I don't want to know - if he was there, I don't want to know! I don't want to hear him tell me why he - how he - I don't want to remember him like that!" His sobs are more violent now, racking his body as he struggles for breath. His breaths are sharp and loud and fast, each one sounding almost like the bark of a sick dog.
The Questioner waits.
It takes time, but slowly - painfully slowly - the sobs die down, becoming more like hiccups. They slow, coming less and less often, until he is breathing normally again.
"I would ask him to leave," Theoven finally says softly, head bowed as he stares at his lap, arms still pressing his hands painfully into his side. "I'm sorry. I know that...if he wasn't...wasn't there, there are things he deserves to hear me say but - I don't think I can say them anymore. And if he was there - " he stops. "He hated spiders. Loved chess. Every brawl I ever lost, he was there with a stern, rambling lecture and enough potions that my mentors at the library never noticed an injury. I should be allowed to remember him like that. I shouldn't have to remember - " he stops and slightly shakes his head before whispering, "I would ask him to leave."
The Questioner is satisfied.
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yeonban · 1 month
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It's lovely when I read a book and some random paragraph in it hits me in the face like a train at mach speed
#◜✧ . ❪ muse. tobias. ❫#ask to tag#Before this I was catching up with the Doctors are Out webtoon too and atm it's an arc where an abuser#got back to his victim bc he and the authorities dgaf about upholding his restraining order like bro I GET it. I get it. I KNOW#Tobias showing up like that one surprise 'heyyy' girl meme gif bc he's the solution (<- getting rid of them Permanently): >:)#No matter where I look this guy manages to weasel his way in. I cannot escape#Now I'm thinking about how Wammy's orphans have such different perspectives on what they should do and what justice means...#to some of them (ex Near) it means catching sb legally by mostly lawful means and yeeting them into prison#to others (ex Mello) it means catching sb by any means necessary but still trying his best to avoid murder#and then to others (ex Tobias) murdering these people who he knows will escape sooner or later anyway is justice in itself#You try to put Wammy orphans down at a table to come to a collective agreement on how they should operate and they simply Cannot#Watari mildly fucked up when he made them ALL headstrong and under the belief that they're always the right one in the room#I bet any of them comes up w a cohesive plan and there's sb in the room IMMEDIATELY pointing out why that plan isn't it 😭#Obviously they'd still synch with each other if need be (ex Mello & Near) but forbid they work TOGETHER together as more than ~2 people#Tobias and Near would be such a funny duo esp. bc Near sees people resorting to murder as wrong and disgusting no matter if it's valid#meanwhile Tobias sees lawful justice as nothing but a farce because 99% of the time it does nothing besides giving a momentary#ego boost to the person who caught the criminal. and then beyond that it's no longer their business if the criminal escapes or not#but it IS very much everyone else's business; and why many live in terror daily wondering if their nightmare will return tomorrow#to be fair Tobias couldn't care less about their feelings 99% of the time either but Watari DID teach him to enact justice. and to him#getting rid of the root of the problem rather than locking it up IS justice. He perceives the problems from much closer than#other Wammy orphans ever have. He's RIGHT THERE in the middle of it whereas they're in some safe place far away from the victims#plus their backgrounds are far too different from his own to reach a consensus too... you can't make him believe prison = justice#just as you can't make them believe murder = justice. But I do think people would prefer Tobias' approach far more than idk Near's#again it's not like Tobias cares about how he's perceived by the people he saves! (or if he's even perceived at all) but I can imagine#going to sleep knowing the person/people/group/etc having it out for you no longer exists is a much more heartening sentiment than#hearing they've been sent to prison; from where they can send sb else after you or from where they can escape in due time
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medicinemane · 2 months
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#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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irregularbillcipher · 9 months
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going over old fic notes and outlines and character talks with friends and it's always really funny when i get to the stuff i was developing early-mid 2019 where bill just literally kept kryptos around to rag on, and he genuinely just. did not like the man. like was just completely annoyed with his general existence. boy have things changed
#for anyone curious: i came to the conclusion that no amount of 'this guy sucks but he's fun to bully' would get bill to keep someone around#for like literal eons. bill gets bored of his toys too quickly. he'd break 'em. plus the fact that bill decided he was worth saving to begi#with. there was at first an element of 'i owe the guy' because [FIC SPOILERS] and a grudging 'if i had a gun to my head i'd say he was my#best friend i GUESS but do not tell him that' but no real genuine friendship or anything more#before realizing that with the specific story i was going to tell it just made the most sense to have these assholes still be like.#bad people for sure but to actually care about each other. it also just felt too easy to write bill off as someone whose cruelty is just#a lack of certain emotions. like that doesn't automatically make a bad person and a bad person doesn't automatically lack emotion#(there's a character that'll be introduced sometime soon who is aroace and doesn't make friends easily and she's lovely because...)#(idk man. i'm aroace and why shouldn't she be. a lack of affection doesn't make you bad and the ability to feel it doens't make you good)#so bill can and does love people-- even if actual vulnerability is near impossible to get from him-- and kryptos is included in that#it's just that he still sucks really bad and hurts and even kills people that he loves because again. bad person who has no idea how to#navigate relationships healthily because of his own baggage and the environment he grew up in#(also in canon he usually does not want to navigate relationships healthily because. again. he sucks!)#so the only lasting relationship he's ever had where he isn't trying to hurt someone is still just... messy as hell#(and to be fair kryptos is also a p. bad person by adulthood it's just that they're pretty young at this point in the fic)#(so there's less avenues to show that)#kryptos being desperate for any scrap of attention and bill providing the only attention he's ever gotten was always the vibe#but it really was much more of a 'bully and bulling victim who he lets hang around him because said victim'#'is like the only one willing to talk to him' dynamic which is... very much not the case anymore#as said in the tags of my fic. these awful shapes care about each other as best they can care about anyone#anyway sorry idk how much anyone really cares about these tag essays but theyre helpful for me to get my thought process like... down#and track how different the story used to be
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toygirljackal-archive · 7 months
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Fuck I feel so dumb
#vent in the tags#she doesn't follow me anymore. why does such a simple thing hurt so much.#I'm mourning a relationship that barely even happened... but it feels so impossible to move on from...#I... really hate that I feel this way. it feels unfair to people I love now...#vaguing but do you ever instantly hit it off with someone and fall immediately in love but then fuck it up and become unable to interact#for like weeks. and she cared about you and you cared about her but it didn't work and it was your fault. and you try to move on...#but every fourth thought is about her and how much you wish she was in your arms and you in hers. and you love other people but not like he#like somehow this person you've only known for a week and a half is more important than anyone else but she's the one person you forced awa#and it's been weeks and you still can't say anything because you know you'd only hurt her. but what if you could make her understand?#but if she can't you'll just be hurting her over and over and you can't bring yourself to risk that. bc you love her#you love her too much to love her. cruel irony#and maybe if she wanted she'd text you. but maybe she's feeling the same way and is waiting for you. so you're torn#do you share your feelings honestly and risk hurting her or leave her alone and risk hurting...#would it be better if you made yourself the bad guy? would she hurt less if she believed you were as bad as you think you were?#would it be better if you told her a lie. that you moved on. that you didn't love her anymore. or would it break her heart?#all I want is for her to be happy. and I know I can't give her that...#and she shared her struggles to feel worthy... and I KNOW she's worth it all and more... a million times more than I could ever give her...#I feel like I gave her false hope and broke her even worse... she said I didn't hurt her. I don't believe her but I really hope it's true#I think I'll be thinking about her forever. wondering “what if”s till I die
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athymelyreply · 1 year
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Mm. It’s a trauma feels night. Sorry, this is gonna be a vent post. Don’t feel obligated to read.
#I wonder who I would’ve been#I wonder if there was really ever a chance of it going different…#I dunno#it’s just hard being surrounded by people who don’t know and don’t understand what happened to me and why it shaped me#I know it’s selfish and probably horrible of me but i want so badly to be able to share it with someone just so the burden will be a little#Lighter and the hurt a little less#and to be clear I don’t mean I want anyone else to have gone through what I did#I just mean I wish I was able to have a friend who understands what happened to me and takes the time to listen and care#and who could share their stuff with me#I know people would probably call it “traumadumping” nowadays but fucking hell being able to see and understand each others pain to#the best of our experiences and caring for eachother and sharing burdens is something so fundamentally human#And it being written off with some tiktok term and generally pushed aside for the sake of capitalism is soul crushing#I don’t know I guess I just really feel like a lot of my friendships are formed with surface level things like seeing eachother and#enjoying talking to eachother and all that#and I know those are what most friendships are and a deeper listening to eachother isnt normalized and#“normal people don’t work like that and im too intense and insane and abnormal”#But FUCK#I also just feel really guilty right now because I currently need consistent affirmations that people actually like being around me#or that im not horrible or im not hated by my friends etc etc#and im trying to work towards not needing that#but right now I still need them… and i KNOW that my friends like me but I can’t BELIVE it rn#and I don’t know how to ask them to tell me im worthy of life#because I don’t want to be too demanding#or annoying#or anything that would make them hate me#(woah that’s the trauma talking)#but god I need the affirmation right now#Anyways sorry everyone#can you tell I’m traumatized? Yeah? I know.#Delete later
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bisaster-energy · 1 year
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literally don't listen to the oh hellos valley album if thinking about sam winchester makes u feel anything because those songs are so fucking samcoded it'll tear ur heart out
#listening to second child restless child like 😐😶#IN MEMORIAM BUT INSTEAD OF A SON RETURNING TO A FATHER.#it's well. you know.#I actually related some of them to cas but those two are like 🤞#WISHING WELL??? OUGHHHH#i made mistakes do i even need to delve#that entire album can go into a Sam playlist unedited#if u can't tell I'm currently crying listening to this album ATM#i don't talk about sam enough but if i cared about him less i could talk about him more#but srsly the thing about sam and cas is that they do both want salvation. some forgiveness.#assurance that they're not some broken evil thing meant for nothing more than proving time and time again that that's all they'll ever be#and that assurance hinges on dean wayyyyy too much but that's another conversation#monstrous. other. that's THEM and they ache with want to repent but. how can u repent unless u change?#so sam attempts to mold himself into a normal shape stuff his self into a cardboard cutout of what he THINKS is correct#and we know cas is like is a drawing is done and then someone hit the erase all button over and over#but once he escapes the lobotomies he is still trying to be something else to some extent. he couldn't be a good angel#so he tries to be a good human but he can't even achieve that much so he's left looking in from the outside and#tells himself it's not that cold out anyway that this suits him better#does dean know why cas lingers at the doorway. does he know that sam is scraping at his walls fit to burst.#anyway the whole world would benefit from a more fleshed out sastiel relationship regardless of what kind#im in my feelings rn sorry for spn posting do u still think im hot :/#cee's bullshit
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gaytobymeres · 2 years
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I wish my mum could stop saying stuff like ‘you’re turning into a man’ or ‘unless you’re turning into a man’ in a disparaging way :( like I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you thought you were going to have (likes feminine things etc) but those comments hurt and make me anxious :( it’s like every aspect of my self expression that’s too masculine is bad and she so often makes a comment like that :(
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vaguenotions · 1 month
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Oh, yes, I just love your unannounced sleepover where you both come back from the bar after carefully avoiding telling me that's where you were going, and also neglecting to tell me when you'd be home! I definitely do not want to knock you on your ass and take a bat to your dome! That would be rude and unnecessary :)
Oh yes, please do start talking about shit amongst yourselves and make me feel isolated and othered in ny own room! These moments are what I live for, of course. Naturally. Who would ever have any issues with this arrangement at all?
#txt#might delete this later but i also might not because my irritation and rage is real and i shouldnt have to so constantly discard it#i am so tired of constantly putting it aside#i want your blood in my fucking teeth. and it's your fault i want it there- certainly- because I TRY. I try so hard not to feel this way#but eventually you get tired of those little games too#okay I drafted this for a minute bc idk if this fucker is actually spending the night or not i just know he took off his belt. BUT THEN ONE#+ OF THESE FUCKERS DECIDED TO START TALKING ABOUT SPIDERS. A THING THAT I HAVE A VERY BAD PHOBIA ABOUT. I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU#thinking of killing and maiming and maiming and killing and killing and shredding and tearing and killing and-#seriously though what. the fuck. you even go ''oh they're not gonna like this'' THEN HOW ABOUT YOU DONT FUCKING SAY IT#ohh and now you're sitting here making plans for when you go out without me next! I'm going to make you a bloody smear on my fucking floor#i am going to Dissect you. I'm going to rip you apart and feed you to the local strays and csrrion birds.#not even getting up and leaving right fucking now would assuage me. i wish i wasn't so full of fucking hate but you just keep adding fuel +#+to the fire#im so tired. I'll come back with a ''im fine now'' if he fucking leaves but im going to seethe now. im so fucking angry.#how do you fucks continually just bounce between the topics that makes me feel Most Violent Towards You? literally how do you not realize i#+ want you dead at this point? how do you not realize the grave you've dug for yourselves in my mind?#i dont fucking mask it that well. i know i dont. and still you fucking do this#((part of why it being a bar specifically that bothers me besides the very deliberate and careful avoidance of mentioning it to me is that#+*one of you is at serious risk for becoming an alcoholic. why the fuck are you being enabled this way?*))#((if i was dating someone with a genetic predisposition of alcoholism i would make your regular dates nights- idk- NOT THE FUCKING BAR +#+ DISTRICT. DO YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE ABOUT THEM? DO YOU? This fucking boils my god damn blood.))#(ultimately its their decision if they want to fucking drink yeah sure whatever YOU DONT NEED TO REGULARLY AND READILY ENABLE IT. BASTARD.)#(If they want to drink so fucking bad- if they push for the bars- JUST BUY SOME ALCOHOL AND BRING IT FUCKING HERE. It limits how much they+#+can have for one- and it would isolate me from you two less! just as an added fucking bonus! but no very unreasonable of me. what was i +#+thinking? clearly not about them 🙄)#i might be a little out of line here. i can admit that. but if anyone spent a week in my fucking shoes back when they first got together +#+and then now? you would fucking understand.#and they just. keep. talking. to eachother. no attempts to include me. not even glances my way. like always.#''oh nothing will change'' IT FUCKING CHANGED. I want to hurt you so bsdly for that lie with ever passing day. do you even know it was a li#do you? anyway was abt to post this and noticed a gif i have of a woman ripping her shirt off so im going to stare at that until im calm ig.
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billymayslesbian · 2 months
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Before Lionblaze could argue, another shape burst through the billowing smoke to stand beside Squirrelflight. His eyes glared; his gray fur was matted together and stuck with bits of burnt leaf and twig. Confused by the smoke and flames, Hollyleaf almost thought she was seeing one of her warrior ancestors, until she recognized Ashfur.
Squirrelflight dropped the branch. “Help me push it into the fire!” she yowled.
Grabbing the branch in strong jaws, Ashfur thrust it past the wall of flame and into the ever-narrowing patch of ground where Hollyleaf and her brothers huddled. But Hollyleaf didn’t feel any sense of relief. There was a look in Ashfur’s eyes that she didn’t understand: the look of a cat who had just spotted an unexpected juicy bit of prey.
The branch made a bridge through the flames, but Ashfur stood at the other end of it, blocking the way to safety. Lionblaze nudged Jayfeather to his paws; Hollyleaf took a step toward the branch, then paused. She felt a cold weight in herbelly when she looked into Ashfur’s glittering blue eyes.
“Ashfur, get out of the way.” Squirrelflight’s voice was puzzled. “Let them get out!”
“Brambleclaw isn’t here to look after them now,” Ashfur sneered.
Hollyleaf felt her fur beginning to rise. What did Ashfur mean?
Lionblaze’s golden pelt was bristling, too. “What have you done with my father?” he howled through the flame.
Ashfur looked at him pityingly; his eyes were twin points of fire amid the burning forest. “Why would I waste my time with Brambleclaw?”
The main branch was too solid to catch fire easily, but the leaves on it had shriveled and the twigs were beginning to smoke. Hollyleaf realized that they didn’t have much time before their bridge to safety would be ablaze.
Squirrelflight staggered up to Ashfur. Hollyleaf had never seen her mother so angry. Her fur bristled with fury; she looked like a warrior of TigerClan. Yet it was obvious that the climb to the top of the cliff, followed by her struggle with the branch, had weakened her, and she was exhausted.
“Your quarrel with Brambleclaw has to stop,” she hissed. “Too many moons have passed. You have to accept that I’m Brambleclaw’s mate, not yours. You can’t keep trying to punish Brambleclaw for something that was always meant to be.”
Ashfur’s ears flicked up in surprise. “I have no quarrel with Brambleclaw.”
Hollyleaf exchanged a shocked glance with Lionblaze. “That’s not how it looks to me,” he muttered.
“I couldn’t care less about Brambleclaw,” Ashfur continued. “It’s not his fault he fell for a faithless she-cat.”
Faithless? A growl began to build in Hollyleaf ’s throat, but then she stopped and watched the cats on the other side of the blazing branches. Something ominous was taking place in front of her, and even with flame roaring around them she felt a sudden chill. She shrank closer to Lionblaze and Jayfeather, whose head was up, his sightless eyes intent, as if he could see the confrontation between his mother and Ashfur.
“I know you think I’ve never forgiven Brambleclaw for stealing you from me, but you’re wrong, and so is every cat that thinks so. My quarrel is with you, Squirrelflight.” Ashfur’s voice shook with rage. “It always has been.”
Horrified, Hollyleaf took a step back and felt her hind paws begin to slip on the edge of the cliff. Her head spun as lightning stabbed out and thunder drowned all other sounds, even the roaring fire. For a heartbeat she dangled over empty air, and she let out a strangled yowl.
Then she felt firm teeth meet in her scruff; blinking against the smoke, she realized that Lionblaze was hauling her back to safety. But there was no safety: only the hungry flames, and Ashfur blocking the end of the branch with fury in his eyes. Fiery sparks floated down on all three young cats, scorching their fur, and flames licked the underside of the branch; fear flooded afresh through Hollyleaf when she saw that it was already beginning to smolder.
Ashfur has to let us get out! But Hollyleaf couldn’t find any words to plead with him. What was happening here didn’t have anything to do with them, even if they died because of it.
“All this was moons ago.” Squirrelflight sounded puzzled. “Ashfur, I had no idea you were still upset.”
“Upset?” Ashfur echoed. “I’m not upset. You have no idea how much pain I’m in. It’s like being cut open every day, bleeding onto the stones. I can’t understand how any of you failed to see the blood. . . .”
His eyes clouded and his voice took on a wild, distant tone, as if he could see the blood spilling out of him now, sizzling on the burning ground. Terror burst through Hollyleaf and she pressed closer to her brothers. This cat was more dangerous than the storm or the fire, or the fall lurking perilously close to her hind paws.
Desperately she tried to step onto the end of the branch. At once Ashfur rounded on her, fully conscious again, his teeth bared in a snarl.
“Stay there!” Turning to face Squirrelflight but keeping one paw on the branch, he hissed, “I can’t believe you didn’t know how much you hurt me. You are the blind one, not Jayfeather. Who do you think sent Firestar the message to go down to the lake, where the fox trap was? I wanted him to die, to take your father away so you’d know the real meaning of pain.”
Hollyleaf ’s shocked gaze met Lionblaze’s. “He tried to kill Firestar?” she gasped. “He’s mad!”
Determination glittered in Lionblaze’s eyes, and he bunched his muscles for a giant leap. “I’m going to fight him.”
“No!” Hollyleaf fastened her teeth in his shoulder fur. “You can’t!” Her words were muffled now. “He’ll just push you into the fire.”
“Brambleclaw saved Firestar then,” Ashfur went on to Squirrelflight. “But he’s not here now. He’s not here—but your kits are.”
Squirrelflight’s eyes blazed. For a heartbeat Hollyleaf thought she was going to pounce on the gray warrior, but she knew that exhausted and in pain, her mother would have no chance. Squirrelflight seemed to realize it, too. She drew herself up, head high; she was trembling, but her voice was clear and brave.
“Enough, Ashfur. Your quarrel is with me. These young cats have done nothing to hurt you. Do what you like with me, but let them out of the fire.”
“You don’t understand.” Ashfur looked at her as if he was seeing her for the first time; his voice was puzzled and petulant. “This is the only way to make you feel the same pain that you caused me. You tore my heart out when you chose Brambleclaw over me. Anything I did to you would never hurt as much. But your kits . . .” He looked through the flames at Hollyleaf and her brothers, his eyes narrowing to dark blue slits. “If you watch them die, then you’ll know the pain I felt.”
The flames crackled threateningly closer; Hollyleaf felt as if the heat was about to sear her pelt into ashes. She edged backward, only to feel the edge of the hollow give way under her hind paws. The three of them were pressed tightly together, so close that if one of them lost their balance, all three would be dragged off the cliff. Hollyleaf couldn’t control the trembling that shook her whole body as her glance flickered between the cliff and the fire.
Jayfeather was crouched close to the ground, looking tinier than ever with his pelt slicked flat by the rain. Lionblaze’s claws were unsheathed, glinting as the lightning flashed out again, but the tension in his haunches didn’t come from preparing to leap at Ashfur; it came from the effort of keeping himself on the top of the cliff.
Squirrelflight raised her head, her gaze locked on Ashfur’s crazed eyes. “Kill them, then,” she meowed. “You won’t hurt me that way.”
Ashfur opened his jaws to reply, but said nothing. Hollyleaf and her brothers stared at their mother. What was Squirrelflight saying?
Squirrelflight took a step away from them, and glanced carelessly over her shoulder. Her green eyes were fiercer than Hollyleaf had ever seen them, with an expression she couldn’t read.
“If you really want to hurt me, you’ll have to find a better way than that,” Squirrelflight snarled. “They are not my kits.”
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medicinemane · 3 months
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You know, capitalism is another one of those words that sadly is like problematic in that it's functionally useless because people just toss it out and then everyone gets so hung up debating the meaning of the word capitalism that the whole point is lost
That's why I don't ever really use it. It doesn't really matter if it's capitalism or if it's cronyism or... whatever, I think it's bad when companies make record profits while prices go up up up
I think there's probably an issue and it probably needs to be solved (and I'm afraid you can't convince me less regulation is a magic bullet)
I like currency and exchanging currency because it seems like a good way of moving goods and labor around, but I also strongly support welfare and think that any group of more than 50 people is probably starting to get corrupt
Don't trust the government, but sure as hell don't trust corps...
I don't know, my original point is that sadly capitalism gets tossed around too much to mean anything anymore... but I just see too many argumentative people online so I'm tossing out my stances to avoid getting side tracked debating what I mean
What I really really mean is just fucking say what you're saying and don't bother saying capitalism cause you'll just make people argue and miss your point
#this is about me reblogging a post the mentions the word capitalism#and I sometimes do that and have people get in and argue about if something is or isn't capitalism#and it's like yeah mate and honestly I hear you; I'm not sure that it fully 100% fits here and if it does it's so broad it's meaningless#but like... read the bit before they said capitalism and have a think on that instead#like let's focus on the description of the situation and how we feel about that description more than a single definition#I honestly don't really care what things are called half as much as the actions being taken and how effective they're likely to be#don't really care if something's called hatemurderdeathism if it's making things better with no policies I hate#obviously there's some things where I'd be like 'hmm... let's not call it that; cause that implies some specific bad stuff'#but like broad strokes shit... capitalism socialism libertarian... what the fuck ever...#is there a strong social net while people are free to trade goods and services?#then I probably am mostly for this plan#fight about the name but leave me out of it#...that's another big part of why I don't call myself anything#takes too long trying to explain your definitions and get people to agree that it doesn't actually mean fascist murder#(cause whatever label you run under I bet I've seen someone call it a fascist murder)#nah; I'm not any this or that group... given up on that a long time ago#I'm just a stupid idiot with various ideas I'd like to talk with people to see how we can move the needle more in that direction#like the less people starving and being homeless direction#and the more worthwhile and productive work and less busy pointless work for megacorps direction#which I think means a shift to more small businesses... which is actually part of why I'm for a UBI#pretty sure I know at least one person on here with a business idea (and knowing them it's a good one)#but they just lack the financial stability to start the business#so I actually want a UBI cause I think it would be good for the economy#never gonna say I can't be stupid or wrong; but that is one of my motives#...whatever... none of this matters; really ought to hurry up and die but I procrastinate that as hard as everything else
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