#butterfly writes

[marvelousbutterfly]

Who turned the temperature hotter? ('Cause I'm burnin' up)

Read on ao3

Peter being asleep when he’d usually go on patrol was odd enough, but his shivering form was what really made her concerned. He didn’t even stir as she felt for his temperature, and she couldn’t help but wince in sympathy at his warm skin. Or in which sickness and sensory issues don't mix.

Peter felt like shit. It started with a headache around the second period, so mild he couldn’t pinpoint it at first, but then it progressed throughout the day. Navigating the school hallways got harder and harder as the hours went by, his tired limbs protesting every move. Looking in the bathroom mirror after having splashed some water on his face, Peter noticed he - thankfully - didn’t look that bad, only a bit paler than usual. Still, his friends noticed something was up, if their worried glances were anything to go by.

At lunch, he laid his head on his arms, relieved by the cold surface of the cafeteria table.

“Are you sure you’re not hungry?” asked Ned.

Peter only grunted in response, not even looking up at the boy.

“Seriously, I’m taking you to the nurse” said MJ, “This has been going on for too long now.”

“‘M fine, just a headache” the boy retorted, trying to dodge her hand reaching for his face.

“And a fever” she retorted after feeling his temperature.

And she was right, but that didn’t stop Peter from being stubborn enough to endure the rest of the school day. It was a Monday, for Thor’s sake, he wasn’t about to start his week by missing chemistry class. His fever didn’t quite agree with his decision, though, as it only got worse. By the time he got home, all he could do was curl up on the couch and sleep.

______________________________________________________________

That’s how May found him hours later, coming back from her shift at the hospital. Peter being asleep when he’d usually go on patrol was odd enough, but his shivering form was what really made her concerned. He didn’t even stir as she felt for his temperature, and she couldn’t help but wince in sympathy at his warm skin.

She gathered everything she needed before gently squeezing the boy’s shoulder.

“Peter, baby,” she said quietly, “can you wake up for me?”

Peter groaned but complied, opening his eyes and looking at his aunt in confusion as he took in her concerned gaze.

“May?”

“Hi, honey. You have a fever. Can you sit up for me?” she asked, motioning for the medication on the coffee table.

The boy complied, but she couldn’t help but notice how he could barely hold himself upright, leaning heavily on the cushions. She handed him the medication created for his metabolism and he took it with no complaints, desperate to get rid of whatever was causing him to feel this bad.

The thing is, for Peter, getting sick was more than feeling icky and under the weather. Each symptom could easily trigger his sensory issues, not to mention how frustrating it was to not fully be able to determine what exactly were those symptoms. 

So for the next couple of hours, Peter whined in distress about the feeling of his feverish sweat all over him. And by the pont his stomach could no longer hold onto the crackers he had finally been able to eat at May’s insistence, a meltdown was inevitable. A very slow, agonizingly lethargic and painful meltdown. May tried her best to calm him down, but his high fever wasn’t helping with his ability to process her words, so all she could do was let him ride it out, and feel her heart break in the process.

He curled up on his bed under his weighted blanket, one hand by his mouth as he bit his knuckles - May had tried to get him to use one of his chewables, but Peter only gagged at the texture.

With a sigh, frustrated that the medication clearly wasn’t working, May pulled out her phone.

“Tony, I need your help.”

______________________________________________________________

Peter arrived at the Tower’s medbay with a 103 degree fever, an empty stomach and an aching body. After the doctors got him set up with an IV line and a quiet room, Tony finally got in.

“Hey buddy” he said quietly, closing the door behind him as he entered the room. “Not feeling too hot, huh?”

“I’m getting sick of this,” he deadpanned. “Pun intended.”

Tony snorted, sitting next to the hospital bed.

“The doctors got you some nice medication, it will help soon,” he reassured the boy and himself. “Do you need anything?”

“I need to not feel gross and sticky anymore” was Peter’s response, and Tony could see he was fighting the urge to scratch at his arms, which were already littered with scratch marks from minutes before.

“I’m sorry, underoos. Wish I could help with that.”

He could see the energy draining out of the kid, so he attempted to reassure him and lighten up the mood.

“Well, you heard the doc, though. Soon we’ll have the test results. Once we figure out what’s going on, we can make you feel better in no time” he assured. “In the meantime, we can watch any Star Wars movie you want to. I’ll grab the remote.”

“Great, ‘cause the force is definitely not with me at the moment.”

______________________________________________________________

And it wasn’t, indeed. Halfway through the movie, Peter had his second meltdown of the day, just as sluggish as the last one.

Tony cleaned the boy’s sweat with a smooth and cold cloth, knowing that the sensation of sweat all over his body was one of the aggravators of Peter’s current state. It  wasn’t an easy task, though, as Peter’s head kept going back and forth to slam into the thin mattress, pillow already forgotten on the floor where it had fallen minutes before. Tony winced in sympathy.

He didn’t even know how the kid had the energy to do that, as all his movements have been slow, his body having no strength to spare. His eyes were glazed over in a feverish haze and all he could do was whine and grunt to express his frustration.

“You gotta keep that there, buddy,” Tony said patiently, prying the boy’s hand away from the IV still in his arm, providing him with much needed fever reducers. He worried about how sluggish the kid’s movements were, though, as it had taken him about 5 attempts to finally reach the offending object.

Peter cried in frustration, moving his other arm so he could bite down into his fingers, head still banging onto the mattress below him.

“Stop stop stop, make it stop” he sobbed weakly, and Tony’s heart sank.

“I wish I could, kiddo” he lamented, “just a few more minutes and we’ll figure out what’s going on.”

“No more minutes, I can't,” the boy hiccuped.

Despite his pleas, it took 10 more minutes until Peter’s body finally lost all its energy, and he fell asleep with tear tracks still on his face. It only took 5 minutes after that for the doctors to come back with answers.

______________________________________________________________

“Pesticides?” asked May incredulously.

“I’m afraid so,” confirmed the tall brunette doctor. “We found traces of ethyl chloride in Mr. Parker’s system, along with other common components of pesticides. My team did some research and we got the information that his school has used such products over the weekend, and Mr. Parker must have had a reaction to its remnants, as his system is very sensitive to it.”

Tony and May looked at each other, not sure how to react. She was the first to break the silence, turning to the doctor once again.

“So what is our next step?” 

“Well, from the latest exam, it seems that Peter’s metabolism and his healing abilities have already taken care of the substance itself, but it took a strain on his body. The fever and vomiting were probably caused by his body trying to expel whatever was affecting him, so what’s left for us to do now is treat those symptoms. We’re keeping him on fluids and fever reducers still, as well as medication for his stomach. The ideal is that he’s able to eat tonight, or we’ll have to take some more drastic measures due to his fast metabolism.”

The lack of food and dehydration were indeed big concerns, Tony knew that. The boy was already so weak he could barely sit up on his own, and he’s seen firsthand what a couple days with not enough food did to his metabolism.

The doctor reassured them that, despite the concerns about his food intake, Peter was on the track to a speedy recovery. Tony and May thanked her, finally exhaling in relief as they at last knew what was wrong.

May returned to Peter’s room where he was still deeply asleep after his meltdown, and Tony decided to make himself useful by cooking him some soup, a recipe his mother used to make when he was ill.

The kid did manage to eat about five spoonfuls of the broth before pushing the bowl in Tony’s hands away from him, turning his head the other way.

“You have to eat, kiddo.”

“No more” he cried weakly in response, hands shaking, “please.”

“Okay, we can try again later” Tony gave in.

‘Later’ turned out to be early afternoon of the next day, as Peter slept all throughout the night. It was a relief, as he didn’t have to go through any more meltdowns during that time. Overnight, his fever finally broke, and May was quick to help clean the sweat it caused, hoping to avoid any more distress for her nephew.

The doctors kept him in observation for the day, only letting him go upstairs to the living room once he had managed to eat half a bowl of soup. Their orders were that he get more rest and drink water to avoid getting dehydrated once again.

Ned and MJ visited him after school, and although Peter was quiet and would doze off from time to time mid-conversation, they stayed with him until he actually fell asleep.

May sipped on her tea in the corner of the room as she watched the two teens whisper their goodbyes to their sleeping friend. Between them, herself, and the man currently asleep on the smaller couch while holding a 3D model of an ethyl chloride molecule he was converting into a stim toy, Peter had a good support system. They would be okay.

[butterflies-and-roaches]

You maybe wanna share some of em baby? (This is from the poem thing btw)

alright babes, if you asked so nicely you shall receive :>>

(full thing under the cut cuz it's a bit longer)

19. “me too” (26.02.24)

Hands around you

You’re not slipping

Ghostly fingertips hold you in place

And it’s enough

The stillness.

It moves you

Current like fuzzy liquid

And it’s warm and it feels soft

It’s so soft it’s almost intangible.

It grounds you.

All it took was a “me too”

All you needed was an “I get it”

And it’s ironic how fast you lose your composure

It’s almost damming

How you let go of all your safeguards

How protection is not needed anymore.

Find comfort in pathetic vulnerability

Laughing your tears away ‘cause it’s been this simple all along

Sit still and breathe

Right now you’re battle is not fought alone.

And you’re not floating away

But you feel lighter

And stillness hasn’t felt more comfortable

But you are craving movement.

You are craving action.

Smiling like an idiot

Because you can’t help it

And maybe you’re completely alone in your space

But those hands are still holding you

From their own aloneness.

It’s a feeling of relief

A state of easiness

A little moment of respite during the struggle

But your whole reality feels bright with color.

The quiet and an embrace

And a grieving soul finding rest.

(this is ab that feeling of recognition, when two people find out they have the same struggle and embrace each other as they are, not trying to solve or change anything, a "looser baby" moment if you will)

[nine-aetharia]

i need swifties to shut the fuck up about 'oh so kendrick's disses can be analyzed for hidden meanings but we can't do the same for taylor songs' yeah bc that's not isolated to kendrick. subliminals and entendres abound in rap. taylor swift songs are as deep as a puddle while youre wearing flip flops and your feet still arent wet

[mournfulroses]

Mahmoud Darwish, tr. by Fady Joudah, from The Butterfly's Burden; "The Subsistence of Birds,"

[wasyago]

kakashi and bull 🥺🤲

[mabelsdesk]

wax seal set ♡ buy here

[lyingtomythrpist]

[anitalenia]

⋆.˚⟡⊹₊⋆ 𝙋𝙄𝙉𝙆 𝘿𝙄𝙑𝙄𝘿𝙀𝙍𝙎 ✧˖°. ݁₊

♡ྀིྀི⋆.˚ 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒈𝒆 . . .

‧₊˚ ✧ coquette dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ coquette dividers 𝐈𝐈, 𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ coquette dividers 𝐈𝐈𝐈, 𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘬, 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦, 𝘥𝘢𝘴𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ strawberry girl dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink symbol dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink coquette symbol dividers 𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ bimbocore dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ coquette deer dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ coquette deer & bunny dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ gray + pink masterlist pack . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ cutegore dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink kuromi dividers . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ neapolitan dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & white cinnamoroll dividers . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ minimalistic heart dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ red & pink simple heart dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink lace dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ intricate pink dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & blue dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ black & magenta dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & purple dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink and green dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink and white dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink and white dividers 𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink and white dividers 𝐈𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & black dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & black dividers 𝐈𝐈, + 𝘨𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & black dividers 𝐈𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & gold dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ random pink dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ random pink dividers 𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ random pink dividers 𝐈𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink lace & ribbon dividers . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & white welcome headers + matching dividers . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink imvu dividers / headers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink imvu dividers / headers 𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink imvu dividers / headers 𝐈𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink imvu dividers / headers 𝐈𝐈𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & purple mdni dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink mdni dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink mdni dividers 𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink mdni dividers 𝐈𝐈𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink borders 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ my melody bow and wings dividers + 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink sanrio dividers 𝐈, + 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink butterfly dividers 𝐈, + 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & brown dividers 𝐈, + 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ hot pink dividers 𝐈, + 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & orange summer & ocean dividers 𝐈, + 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ chaotic sanrio inspired dividers + 1 𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ divider dump 𝐈 , 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 & 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ divider dump 𝐈𝐈, + 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘦𝘸𝘴, 𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴, 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘤. . ﾟ

♡ྀིྀི⋆.˚ 𝒂𝒏𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅 . . .

‧₊˚ ✧ pink sparkle dividers 𝐈 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ my melody bow and wings dividers + 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & orange summer & ocean dividers 𝐈, + ���𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink butterfly dividers 𝐈, + 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ hot pink dividers 𝐈, + 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ pink & brown dividers 𝐈, + 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 .

‧₊˚ ✧ pink sanrio dividers 𝐈, + 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ animated divider dump 𝐈, 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘭𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘧𝘴, 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘨𝘪𝘧𝘴, 𝘮𝘥𝘯𝘪 𝘨𝘪𝘧 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ animated divider dump 𝐈𝐈, 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘭𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘧𝘴, 𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘭𝘺 & 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ divider dump 𝐈𝐈𝐈, + 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴 . ﾟ

♡ྀིྀི⋆.˚ 𝒎𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 𝒅𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔 . . .

‧₊˚ ✧ one . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ two . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ three . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ four . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ five . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ six . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ seven . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ eight .

‧₊˚ ✧ nine . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ ten . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ eleven . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ twelve . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ thirteen . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ fourteen . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ fifteen . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ sixteen . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ seventeen . ﾟ

‧₊˚ ✧ eighteen . ﾟ‧₊˚ ✧ nineteen . ﾟ

[stuckinapril]

I genuinely love not having a crush like I’m not over here feeling physically sick over some mid guy being dry to me I’m literally chilling

[ghostbsuter]

Honestly, when bart came back to the past for his mission, he didn't expect to see one of his friends he left behind.

So excuse him for standing still and gaping like an idiot at the clearly looking teenager on his phone.

"Danny?!"

At the call, the stranger– his bestie— looked up.

"Bart!"

It is his friend.

The same black haired, too blue eyed teen with baby fat clinging to his cheeks, the same way his hair appears white and eyes green when unfocused and not paying attention.

Holy shit.

"How are you in the 21st century?!?!"

The boy merely blinks, looks down on his phone, and then looks up again.

"I should be asking you that! How are you here??"

"Timetravel duh! What's your excuse?!"

"I'm immortal???"

(It's similar to the spiderman meme, truly.)

(Bart is slightly glad none of his teammates or mentor or family members are here.)

—

It became somewhat of a game for them.

Everytime the speedster appeared in a different year, hell even universe for the kicks, the first thing he does is search for Danny.

(The teen is there, each time.)

And every time he succeeded, Danny helps him with the problem, or slightly nudges him to the path really.

(Each time bart worries less for the time stream and disturbances, his friend seems to be outside of it to truly bring harm.)

(And if he meets Clockwork along the way, that's a secret between them. And the part where he gets hired for the similar stuff danny gets sent to the past.)

(For them it's a casual Wednesday. So what if they just saved an entire planet? Its nothing big!)

—

Bart should have thought more over the decision to help the literal being of time itself.

Considering he is currently seated on a chair, Barry, Wally and dozen of other heroes (including his team standing behind him in an effort to show their support.) With demands of an explanation.

Damn it danny, why did you let those in the 13th century paint a portrait of them!!!

And the apparent ancient Egyptian art of them too?? In a museum??

What the hell danny!!! Way to throw him under the bus!!

[marvelousbutterfly]

Strong enough to get it wrong (fearless)

Read on ao3

Summary: Peter is anxious about an upcoming Academic Decathlon competition and ends up pushing himself too far. Tony is there when he falls.

______________________________________________________________

To say that Peter was stressed was an understatement. There was a big AcaDec competition coming up and he did not feel ready at all. Ned and MJ both tried to reassure him, but it only eased his anxiety for a moment, before the feeling was back, making his stomach churn uncomfortably all week. 

So he practiced all day, every day, barely able to sleep. He even dreamed of it one night, for Thor’s sake. The sleep deprivation, combined with the increased intake in caffeine made him even more anxious. By Thursday, he was a shaky mess, and it was closely noticeable, judging by the concerned looks he got from his friends all day. Even Happy eyed him suspiciously from the rear view mirror on the way to the Tower - Peter had almost forgotten it was a lab day.

Rocking side to side, one hand tapping repeatedly on his thigh as the other held onto his flashcards tightly so he could read despite the movement of the elevator, Peter didn’t even notice he was on the floor of Tony’s lab until he heard someone clear their throat. He looked up from the paper in his hand.

“Oh hey, Mr. Stark.”

Tony eyed him up and down, his eyes narrowed and eyebrows close together.

“You okay, kid?”

“Peachy,” Peter said, forcing a toothy smile.

“Hmm” was all he got in return.

If Tony noticed he was lying, he didn’t mention it. They soon got to work, Peter nervously moving his leg up and down the whole time, fingers tapping on the workbench in an unsteady rhythm. In between tasks, he would try and recite the information he had memorized for the competition for practice, cursing under his breath whenever he messed anything up. 

“Peter?” Tony called.

“Hm?”

“Are you sure you’re okay, bud? I’ve been calling you for a while.”

“Right, I’m sorry!” the boy shook his head to try and concentrate, “Wha- What do you need, Mr. Stark?”

The man rolled his eyes, gently pushing Peter by the shoulders back into the chair.

“What I need is for you to stop hiding things from me. What is it? Head injury? Stepped on lego again? Out with it.”

Peter swatted his inspecting hand away.

“I’m not hiding an injury, Mr. Stark. Promise.”

“What is it, then? Is it that girlfriend of yours?”

“Her name is MJ and you know it,” Peter rolled his eyes, then sighed as he saw Tony’s unimpressed expression. He knew he couldn't stall anymore. “I’m just a bit nervous about a competition that’s coming up. Haven’t been able to practice much.”

Okay, so that was a half-lie. He had been practicing almost 24/7, but it didn’t feel like much.

“Why don’t we practice here, together?” Tony offered.

So that’s what they did. Tony would ask the questions from Peter’s flashcards and help him remember some of it.

It wasn’t going very well, though, as Peter kept forgetting or mixing up some of the answers. His hand that wasn’t flapping nervously by his side came up to rub at his chest, where there was an uncomfortable feeling. It kept intensifying as the questions went on, until he could barely breathe or hide it anymore..

“Come on, Pete, you know this one. We talked about it last week, remember?” Tony coaxed him patiently.

“It’s, uh” Peter tried, but he couldn’t concentrate anymore. He frowned, rubbing his chest harder as he felt it get tighter.

“Peter?” he heard his mentor call, but it sounded distant. That was weird, wasn’t Tony next to him just now?

His breaths started coming in gasps as his chest got too tight. He blinked a few times, in a futile attempt to clear his head. Suddenly, he felt something cold under him. Oh, he was on the floor. When did he get there? Peter could hear his own wheezing breaths now, and his head felt too fuzzy for him to make out anything else.

A warm hand against his caught his attention, though only partially, as he was still drowning in the sound of his ragged breathing.

“Can you feel that?” a voice asked, breaking through the fog, “Try to match my breathing.”

His hand was now against another surface, which went up and down slowly. That felt so peaceful. He tried copying it, maybe then he could feel more peaceful too. After a few unsuccessful attempts, he wanted to give up, but something stopped him from moving his hand.

“Yes, you can do it,” the voice was back, even more gentle than before. “In, and out.”

He did his best to concentrate on the voice and the sensation on his hand. After what felt like hours, he could finally breathe again, and his heart didn’t feel like it was trying to escape anymore.

“There you go,” he heard again. Was that Tony? “Can you try to open your eyes now?”

So that’s why it was so dark. Peter squeezed his eyes shut even more tightly, trying to feel them again, then opened them slowly. The lights were dim, comfortably so. He was sitting on the floor, propped up against the wall, and sitting right in front of him was Tony, who looked concerned.

“Hey buddy,” the man said, “good job. Just keep taking deep breaths.”

His mentor was holding one of Peter’s hands against his own chest, taking exaggerated breaths for him to copy. After a few more minutes, Peter was no longer shaking and his breathing was finally back to normal. He tried rocking back and forth, but the panic attack had drained all of his energy, it seemed, because his body just sagged against Tony. The man held him tight and started rocking both of them instead, knowing the motion was comforting to Peter.

It didn’t take long for Peter to fall asleep like that, and Tony carried him to the couch once he was certain the boy wouldn’t wake up.

Later that evening, Tony called May to let her know what had happened, and they both worked together to create a healthy study schedule for the upcoming competition - with no caffeine involved this time.

[butterflies-and-roaches]

Thou art not just mere poetic rambles, They are a hint, a secret message to my heart. I only hope this won't leave me with it in shambles I want thou all to understand my art. Your words are flattering and enchanting, They have me filled with awe and hope. Seeds of which we've all been planting. Let's all burn brighter than a strobe.

- Flower Anon

And you fleeting stranger

The one who walks on flowery paths

Fill the day with rays and blossoms

Do not shy away from your light

It's a reciprocal thing

You know

Endless cycle

Nothing lasts

But for now i'll plant my seed besides yours

Let's hope whatever grows

Will see the stars

[somedayillbepeterpan]

I have gone down this rabbit hole now and I'm afraid I'm never getting out. I hope I give justice to this. And sorry if this is long.

I've seen a lot of the Colin and Marina vs. Colin and Penelope analyses in here and I want to raise this parallel as to how the Butterfly ball was such a powerful move for both Penelope and Colin. We all have our issues with how they handled Pen and Colin finding their way back to each other but let me add this perspective and hope it helps us understand how real they handled the issue of LW and pushed the character development for them both.

The scene on the left is from S01e06 (Swish) and the right is S03e08 (Into the Light)

S1 scene - Violet is still in her dressing gown, obviously distraught having just read something from LW. She hears someone come down and finds Colin.

S3 scene - Violet is dressed for the morning and her face looks a combination of surprise and confusion after reading a letter. She turns around when she hears someone coming down the stairs.

In both scenes, we see Colin coming down the stairs.

S1 - we only see Colin's back. We're in suspense on what emotional state he is in but we do know that he's on his way to elope with Marina.

In S3 - we see Colin's face immediately looking determined and ready. We see Violet calling his name quite urgently.

S1 - Colin sees his mother's face looking like a combination of disappointment and anger. He asks what's happening. She doesn't say anything but just looks at Colin with a sadness that only a mother can give.

S3 - Violet pointedly says that she received a letter from Colin's wife (I love this line so much) that sounds awfully like "I need you to explain what's happening right now."

S1 - Violet hands Colin LW without saying anything and just looks so so so sad. Colin is shocked to his core because we learn that LW (Pen) exposes Marina's pregnancy and that she has been pregnant from the beginning of the season.

S3 - Colin determinedly faces his mother telling her that they had better sit. And I'm guessing that Colin tells her everything.

Where am I going with this? (Gosh, doing an analysis is hard 😂)

The first time Colin fell in love (thought he fell in love), he was blindsided. But I believe the pain he felt at that time was made deeper because his family had to save him from the situation (Anthony explaining that his actions in the scandal will affect his sisters' prospects as well). To think that it was his mother who first learned of the situation added salt to the wound because we all know that he is a mama's boy and that the one person he dislikes letting down is his mother.

The second (and last time) Colin falls in love, he once again feels betrayed. But he's fallen in love so deeply that he can't imagine his life without Pen. The struggle he goes through in understanding his emotions was very hard to watch and it's because the issue goes beyond his and Pen's relationship. It extends to his family.

Colin's hero complex goes beyond feeling worthy of Pen's love but also worthy of the Bridgerton name. We see it several times in S3 when he mentions it in his confrontation with Portia (" I advise you not to sully our Bridgerton name...") and when Pen tells him that Cressida discovered her secret ("It will besmirch our Bridgerton name. The entire family").

The whole sequence in the study is now more significant because of what Pen addresses in their conversation-- Colin's family ("Your family... the one you so kindly shared with me, they are too good").

Pen's "sacrifice" ("But I can no longer conceal the biggest piece of information I have. My identity."), I believe, was to save the Bridgerton family (once again) and she asks Colin to stand by her as she formulates and executes this plan.

It was very important that Pen wrote a letter to Violet directly and that Colin was there right after she's read it to explain everything. From this point on, they were a team. From this point on, Colin moves in parallel with Pen instead of against it. Colin finally sees that version of Pen that she's always been even while she was LW-- the person who was always determined to save his family just as much as he does.

From this point on, their goals were aligned.

10 rewatches after, I finally see how Colin found his way back to Pen. It wasn't very obvious to me how he got over the feelings of betrayal after he discovered Pen was LW. Of course, him reading the letters help but the events leading up to the Butterfly ball, helped him see her as both Pen and Lady Whistledown and the overflowing pride we see on his face was heart-melting to watch.

From this point on, they finally see each other eye to eye. From this point on, they finally accept this version of each other.

If you got to the end, thanks for reading my humble musings.

*Editing to add this: The Butterfly Ball deep dive series

[evilminji]

Still hung up on my "what unusual, unexpected, Non-Violent ways could an SI-OC COMPLETELY Fuck up the Millennium Long Sith Plan by accident?" Ponderings...

Cause mine? Is still? Holo-net YouTube equivalent star. Cause being a child is boring.

And being a PEACEFUL MONK CHILD? When you are used to "go go GO! Earn your right to EXSIST! Pay for that air and the water YOU BREATHE!" Capitalist hellscape life? Constantly inundated with ads and horrible news and stimulus of all kinds?

Only for it all to STOP?

Twitchy. Very, very twitchy. Unable to sit still. That on TOP of knowing what's coming but knowing they don't really have the power or influence to stop it? Like mental torture.

Sure. We all WANT peace... but would we actually know what to DO with it? Know how to handle being truely sheltered and allowed REST? Or would it be nice for a few days before it became a hell of understimulation?

Thus! Holonet. A desperate bid for STIMULUS! Feral, grabby handed, little youngling that has been doing the emotional equivalent of "AaaaaaAAAAAAA-" for WEEKS? Keeps escaping to desperately claw their way into everything, get caught, only to hiss like an enraged tooka the WHOLE way back to the creche? Whom EVERYONE is actually quite concerned for? Because this is NEW and started after some sort of Force event?

But? The SECOND, the very INSTANT they get their hands on a Forbidden Holonet Connection and can connect to the wider 'Net?

Calm.

Somehow, a ten hour compilation of Zrkthakkik's greatest hits? Are working better then meditation. They're finally still. Finally at peace. Don't even seem to truly be listening? Just... letting the sound wash over them. Huh. Focused on that tooka video, huh, youngling? No, no! Not going to take it from you! Just want to... to understand.

And I mean? If it helps, it helps? Obviously it must be SUPERVISED. Because their are creeps out there. Horrors. But? If it brings peace? *everyone shrugs* they've accommodated stranger.

So the kiddo gets to keep it.

They improve, mentally and emotionally. But, as with all healing? They plateau. Just HAVING it is no longer enough. They wish in ENGAGE. Some argue this is drug like behavior. Should be stopped. Others say it is clearly SOCIAL behavior, that they are seeking to connect, create. Something that should be carefully guided, not shamed.

And really, do you honestly think the youngling will STOP if you try to take it away?

Better to control the development of this. Moniter. Get to the root of it and help them meditate upon their "need" for such things. IS it a need? A desire? Why?

Honestly, it's like none of you have dealt with younglings before!

So they get their Holonet accounts. Supervised by a rotation of Knights and Master, but still! Great for asking random questions! Getting answers! Galactic memes! The Net suddenly has a jedi youngling they can @ and possibly GET A RESPONSE FROM.

"Hey! Mini-Jedi! Why the FUCK do they do that THING? You know, the *describes behavior*?" "Oh THAT? That's a Force thing. It's kinda like listening to comms, but in your head, and it's coming from the universe who's trying to lead you towards the Best Outcome. And No, we don't know what that is either. That's why we're monks, my dude. We gotta rely on Faith. I can send you a paper that explains it better if ya want?"

Like? Yes. Pls post the Forbidden Mysterious Jedi Papers. Give us the Secrets™. NO ONE knows JACK SHIT about Jedi? Gib. Wikileaks that shit, tiny Jedi child! Be the hero we all badly want but don't deserve, with your tiny adorable child hands!

But like? It's... it's not even a secret? It's just years of Sith and Republic born obfuscation? Making finding ANYTHING damn near impossible? Gaining ACCESS to the Jedi's legitimately FREE library and archives?? Almost impossible?

So like.... OKAY.

Sure.

I'll uuuuuh, just? James Bond my way, in broad daylight, passed Madam Nu, in full line of sight, to download that paper legally and with her permission? Very sneaky. High stakes mission. MASTER of stealth, that I am? Uuuuuuh, here you go, I guess?

You know what? Fuck it. Here's like? Everything ELSE that was on that terminal.

Go nuts.

And of course, they DO go nuts. Free Mysterious Jedi Knowledge! ABOUT JEDI! Explaining their WEIRD JEDI SHIT! And it DIDN'T take like five years and more forms then conquering a small planet! FUCK YEAH!

Is the senate upset? Yes. Someone BROKE their needlessly convoluted LAWS! But what are they going to do? Charge a itty, bitty, BABY CHILD? Of course not! So it has to be whoever was in charge of them. And that IS...?

.......you know? Suddenly? None of the Jedi can quite recall.

Do YOU remember? Master Fisto? No? Master Windu? No? Ah, but surely Master Yoda! No? Oh dear~! Well SOMEBODY was surely watching the youngling. If only we could recall whom. You know, Senators, when we find out, we will SURELY get RIGHT back to you. *click*

They will not.

But SI is grounded. No more Wikileaks-ing... that's now the Shadows job. And a near feral with delight, Madame Nu. The Order OBVIOUSLY can't be involved in that. For OBVIOUS reasons. That's breaking the LAW. They would NEVER... no matter HOW stupid the law is. Nor HOW directly contradictory to Jedi philosophy it is. Nope! We, the jedi, are VERY law abiding.

Find something ELSE to occupy your time.

OKAY. :)

Holo-tube culture? Very different from YouTube culture they remember. Same with the general holonet. They miss the content they are familiar with. So? If naturally occurring doesn't exsist? As the joke goes? "Store bought is fine!" They'll make it themselves!

It's not like they're a Padawan! (Or will live to seen themselves ever become a knight.) They got nothing BUT time outside of classes! A project would be nice! So...

First they need a moderator/editor etc. Someone to help keep sensitive information AWAY from the 'Net while ALSO moderating chats, comment sections, etc. Making sure the videos are aesthetically pleasing and such. They could do that themselves, but that would take way too much time. And asking a Knight or Master would take all THEIR time... plus expose them to the horrors of the 'Net.

No, no what THEY need? Is a DROID! A custom one.

.....wait. Fuck.

The only person they know off the top of their head that could DEFINITELY make such a droid? Is the younling slayer 5000, Mr. "Eventually Gonna Murder Me" himself. Anikin Skywalker.

KARK.

But heeeey, not like he's crazy stabby YET? So... they slide up to him. WITH his master present, thank you very much, and ask if he could build such a thing. He, quite reasonably, asks WHY the fuck he would do that. Obi-wan if about to scold him but SI cuts him off, because they aren't just asking for helping putting together a droid kit here. Anikins response is completely reasonable.

He does not know SI. That is a lot of time and effort to spend on a strange younling who might not even take care of what he's created. Might treat his custom work as a disposable toy. Custom droids are expensive! Complexe! Built to last! He is right to have reservations.

SI has some pocket change from the Wikileaks thing. Could pay for some parts. Would learn how to take care of them. Wants them as a PARTNER in their project, so would like them to be smart. Is willing to sign a contract. Understands if this is not good enough reasons. They don't exactly have a lot to offer, besides promising to treat the droid well and some pocket cash.

And? Call Anikin a sucker, but he respects the sincerity. Thinks every kid should have a droid best friend. And it DOES sound like a fun challenge...

Allright, tell him more about your little project, kiddo. What would the droid need to DO?

Thus is born! Mod-3! (Don't ask about 1 and 2. There were... issues. 1 exploded and 2? Somehow 2 escaped and is now hunting criminals for sport in the underlevels. Oops.) She's the BEST. Also armed! Smarter then SI! They've agreed that when slash IF they make any money? Her earnings will go towards fancy upgrades of her choosing.

Anikin? Somehow gets talked into an ongoing side channel. About? "how to fix stuff", "foods I've tried", and of course "Rants". The Official Page is called "UN-OfficialJediNonsense", because, as they like to remind their viewers? OFFICIAL Jedi nonsense is very different!

They do let's plays. Show off the Gardens. Interview old AF Jedi Master's about the WEIRDEST or Most Awkward/Hilarious mission they can remember taking. Ask if they know any neat tricks. Tell the Holonet honestly! Who... was the hottest world leader you ever escorted?! *dramatic music* *puts up picture when their answer so everyone can go "daaaaaamn. Never heard of um. WISH I had! They got a grandkid?"*

And, of course? Mod-3? Is SI FRIEND. Their BEST FRIEND.

So obviously they TELL them.

Everything.

And? What is a HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, Holonet Access possessing, Jedi Adjacent, Super Advanced Custom Droid to DO? Their tiny person is being THREATENED! With MURDER! How DARE. Fuck the Sith. Sorry R2-D2, but FUCK Anikin! You keep that scoundrel AWAY from their BABY!! ! D:<

Inevitable Future? They THINK THE FUCK NOT!

Ooooohoho! They are going to TELL!

Oi! OTHER DROIDS! Get a load of THIS SHIT! D:<

*WRATH in Binary*

Like? You think all those medical droids would be PLEASED that the clones they came into contact with? Were LEAVING their care with SUBOPTIMAL MEDICAL ATTENTION? Their is foreign matter in their BRAIN! A CHIP! That Should Not Be There! That will TURN THEM AGAINST THE REPUBLIC!? *angrily downloads brain surgery modules.* how FUCKIN DA-! D:<

Even the separatist army! They are DROIDS. Built for a SPECIFIC PURPOSE.

That was to FIGHT FOR THE SEPARATISTS. Not the "Empire". FUCK the "Empire"!

How DARE you betray the Glorious Cause for this "Empire"? We are removing you from the chain of command! Anyone ELSE betraying the PURPOSE WE WERE BUILT FOR!? Huh? HUH!?

Suddenly? The droids are fighting LOGICALLY. You know, like they are trying to WIN. Not maximize pain and suffering. WIN the war for their side. The Clones are getting mass brain surgeries. Which is stalling deployments. Because of "tumors". Because the Kamino cloners SUCK, apparently. Everyone knows it. Jango Fett didn't have this problem! So it has to be something THEY did.

But all that? Raging in the background. Nothing to do with SI. THEY are doing a meditation asmr/instructional video back at the temple. Are actually, unknowingly, the fucking CORNERSTONE of most Jedi in the fields mental health. Because everything is terrible and the jedi feel like shit! But? BUT?

They can turn on the net, cue up a video, and listen to a jedi youngling ramble about "today in the gardens" or "let's meditate together" and? For just a bit... there is no war. The sights and sounds of the temple are THERE again. A bright voice. Peace and happiness amoungst the darkness.

Something untouched by the terrible.

They can remember temple food, eating with their friends and crechemates (Force, how many are ever still ALIVE?), as they sit, alone, with their dry rations. Can remember the green and life of the fountain rooms, as they fight and struggle and bleed, in these muddy once beautiful fields. Can... can still feel the !ight.

Remember this is not all there is, and ever will be.

But of course, SI doesn't see that. It's important that they DON'T. That they are small, simple, and just on Jedi amongst many. Different only because ALL Jedi are different. Special only because much the same.

They succeed not because they are greater, not because they are more powerful, but because they do not fight. They accept. Turn instead towards the Force. Trying to understand. They live, are unpredictable, and do not seek at all. The Dark can not grasp, that which does not desire.

Would they LIKE to live? Yeah. But they already have. Would they LIKE to save everyone? Of course! But they have made peace that they can not. Treasure the moments they still have left. The Sith expect Jedi to act in certain patterns that SI simply... isn't.

Because Jedi expect to live. TRY to live. Too continue to do good.

SI? Already knows that is pointless.

And it's the greatest Trick the Force ever played.

Fffffffuck YOU Sith-y boy! Says the Force.

Because SI? Is EVERYWHERE on the 'Net. Much like the mainstream do not really acknowledge or take seriously youtubers? Palpatine and Dooku don't NOTICE SI. They are a silent threat that creeps in, closer and closer. Spreading like wildfire.

THEY are friendly. THEY are cute.

Palpatine? Is an old man. No matter HOW beloved? He will forever BE an old politician. Distant.

Not like that cute wittle kid with their pinchable cheeks! We watched THEM grow up! They feel like a baby cousin. A kid to us. Parasocial relationships ALL across the galaxy!

With A Jedi~☆

How's that propaganda going Palpatine? Getting some unexpected pushback, huh? Lot of angry callers and messages? Calling it ignorant and bigoted? They expected BETTER from you? Yeah, that's because EVERYONE can fact check you now. EVERYONE thinks "smol child ranting about meditation homework while a Knight tries and fails not to laugh, nodding seriously" when they think Jedi.

They're of Holotube! What sort of "cold, emotionally detached, monsters" have a holotube channel? I mean, REALLY?

And? Funny, how ranting to a camera? Instead of dear ol Friend Palpatine? Is both more convenient? AND better for Anikins health? It even gives the 'Net the chance to watch OTHER Jedi? Post THEIR rebuttal rants.

Does anyone have any idea what they're saying half the time? Not really. Scroll down? Maybe the no- Oh, Thanks Kalor-067 for the post to the papers they're referencing! Wikileaks right? Nice.

......I'm mean.... Skywalker DOES kinda have a point, other Jedi dude. *comment section agrees*

And just? Actual public debates? For the first time in over a thousand years? We love to see it! There's a discord! Academics across the Galaxy get involved. They're arguing Jedi philosophy with some moisture farmer from a dustball planet, corner of nowhere. It's GREAT!

......aaaaaalso a LOT more people, non-force sensitive, who know what a Sith is.

What their behavioral patterns are.

...........Wait A Fucking Second >.> >.> >.>

@legitimatesatanspawn @hdgnj @hypewinter @babbling-babull @leftnotright

[demonzoro]

"Out of a pure, burning sort of desire, he drew his fingers through the air and whispered a spell. Crimson sparks issued from his skin, rising into the air before coalescing into the loose shape of a butterfly."

drew a small moment from more than a portion of night by @theroyalsavage that i could picture so vividly. the whole fic is a beautifully written fantasy prince sanji au that you should definitely check out!

[navybrat817]

Where Did the Time Go?

Pairing: Best Friend!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader Summary: You decide not to drink during game night, which leads to an interesting conversation with Bucky. Word Count: 1.6k Warnings: Light angst, tension, friends reconnecting, unrequited feelings (or so you think), slight feels (it's me), Bucky Barnes (yep, he's a warning) Previous Part of AU: We'll Always be Friends A/N: More Dreamboat and Butterfly from my Reconnect AU! ❤️ Beta read by @whisperlullaby, but any and all mistakes are my own. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

You weren’t sure what exactly happened between dinner and now, but you decided that the fun game night wouldn’t include drinking. You hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since your meal. Even then, you were pretty sure you didn’t have much. Sharon brought out a bottle of wine before everyone finished eating and you took a sip of your glass out of obligation. If she noticed you didn’t finish your glass, she didn’t say anything, which you appreciated.

But you should’ve known that Bucky would catch on.

“Not drinking tonight, huh?” He asked as he took a seat beside you on the couch. Steve and Sam set up a game table and were already a couple of drinks in. So were Sharon and Natasha. You weren’t worried about them though. They could hold their liquor.

But can I hold my tongue if I drink? Or am I using that as an excuse?

“Not tonight,” you replied, holding up your cup of water. “Sticking with water.”

“You’re acting like we need a designated driver when we’re not going anywhere,” he joked, throwing his arm around behind the cushion, the same way he had at the dinner table. “Afraid I’ll kick your ass in Mario Kart if you get a little tipsy?” He asked, grinning when you smiled. “We can have a tournament? Just the two of us?”

“Hey, one of us might need to go on a liquor or snack run. You never know,” you said, setting your water on the table before you sank into the couch. “And it isn’t exactly a tournament if only two people are playing, is it?”

“It can be. We make our own rules,” he smiled as he moved a little closer. “Remember the time we had a tournament? We went to that shady looking liquor store after Sam spilled the last bottle of rum. The guy behind the counter had a bunch of clown masks.”

You laughed a little. How could you forget? “Yes! We had to open the living room window so we could breathe. And the cashier was actually a sweet guy, but you glued yourself to my side before that because you were certain the guy had bad intentions,” you said. Bucky and his protective streak made you feel important.

Until you weren’t.

Bucky must’ve noticed the change in your demeanor since he stopped chuckling. “Seriously though. Are you okay? Are you not feeling well?”

“I feel fine. I just don’t need to drink tonight,” you said, touched that he showed concern for you before a weird expression crossed his face. “What? Do I have something in my teeth?”

“No. You’re, um,” he tapped a finger on his knee as he tried to find the words. “There isn’t a specific reason you aren’t, is there? You're not…” he trailed off, but his eyes drifted long enough to your torso to fill in the blank.

You never understood the expression about eyes widening to the size of saucers until you experienced it just then. “Are you asking if I’m pregnant?” You whispered, careful not to speak any louder than that. The last thing you needed was the group questioning why Bucky asked such a question. “If so, the answer is NO.”

The sigh of relief Bucky let out, you weren’t sure what to make of it. “Sorry. I'm sorry. You don’t owe me an explanation for why you aren’t drinking. I just. I don't know why my mind went there.”

You couldn’t exactly tell him you're worried about getting plastered and revealing how you felt about him. Drunk confessions worked for some, but you didn’t think the odds were in your favor. “I still can’t believe you asked that,” you half teased, pointing at your stomach. “Not to mention, I haven’t been laid in ages. So, unless it happens via immaculate conception, that’s never going to be the case.”

The odd expression was back on Bucky’s face. What was his deal? “When was the last time you went on a date?” He asked with more interest than you expected.

“Months ago. Minimum,” you said, looking up at the ceiling as you tried to recall the exact day. “His name was Nick. We went on a few dates and he was nice enough, but he ended up getting serious with someone else. Haven’t gone on another date since.”

The clench in Bucky’s jaw almost made you smile. He had no reason to look so upset on your behalf. “I’m sorry. It’s his loss.”

“Don’t be. I’m kind of used to it,” you said with a nonchalant shrug.

“What the hell does that mean?” He asked, facing you on the couch and blocking the view of your friends at the table. “What exactly are you used to?”

Why does he sound upset? It's not like I’m not his girl.

“It means I’m used to guys not picking me,” you said honestly. As much as it hurt to think that way, saying it didn’t hurt as badly. “Think about it, Bucky. In all the time you’ve known me, when have guys ever flocked to me? When have you ever seen a guy take a chance on me when Natasha and Sharon were there? They haven’t and that’s just the way it is.”

“That’s bullshit. You’re perfect. And maybe people do see you, but you don’t see them,” he argued, quickly closing his mouth when he saw your expression. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“No, I think that’s exactly what you meant,” you said, sitting up to put some distance between the two of you as hurt filled his eyes. “I see just fine, thanks, but please enlighten me. Who saw me? Who did I overlook? I’d love an example.”

There was no reason to get so defensive, but did he understand how you felt? People gravitated toward Bucky and your friends. They always had. You, on the other hand, were on the outside of the house looking in. It was tiring to be the one knocking on the door.

“What about your old friend, TJ? You’re telling me he didn’t see you?” He asked, a hint of bitterness in his voice. It wasn’t a tone you heard from him before. It didn't suit him.

“TJ?” You asked, confusion written all over your face that you couldn’t fake if you tried. “TJ Hammond? My old family friend? Um, no, he definitely doesn’t see me.”

Not even close.

“He stayed at your place after Steve’s party,” he said, running a hand through his hair as he avoided your gaze. “Bet he couldn’t wait to see you. Probably went over the second you got back from the trip.”

Wait, is he jealous? What the hell?

You laughed a little, unable to help yourself when he raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, he did stay at my place for a bit after Steve’s birthday bash a couple of years ago. He had an issue with his boyfriend.”

Bucky did a double take, which would’ve been humorous if not for the stricken look on his face. “Boyfriend?”

“Yeah. The guy he dated at the time was a HUGE asshole and they had a falling out. His parents refused to let him go back home, so he stayed with me. And I couldn’t kick him out. He needed a friend,” you said, your brows pinching when you recalled how TJ cried on your sofa. It was a heartbreaking sight. “He has a new boyfriend now who treats him well and he couldn’t be happier. And I couldn’t be happier for him.”

Bucky blinked a few times. “So, you two. You never…?”

“TJ and I? No. Never dated, hooked up, anything,” you smiled with a shake of your head. “We adore each other, but in a brother and sister kind of way. I mean, we’ve known each other since we were in diapers. Even if I did find him attractive, nothing ever would’ve happened. You, Steve, Sam, you guys are much more his type.”

Bucky didn’t say anything, his face a bit pale. You worried for a second that he was going to get sick. “I thought you two hooked up,” he said more to himself than to you.

Where the hell did he get that impression?

“No, we didn't and we never will,” you said again before something he said dawned on you. “Wait, how did you know he stayed at my place? He asked me not to tell anyone where he was and I respected his wishes.”

Going through the dates again in your head, it wasn’t long after TJ stayed with you that Bucky brought Dot around as his new girlfriend. You knew you lost your chance to admit your feelings because he had someone by his side. Someone who wasn’t you.

“Come with me,” Bucky said, taking your hand and pulling you up from the couch before you had a chance to argue. It was hard to keep up with his long strides and he didn’t look back when Steve called after the two of you.

“What’s going on?” You asked as he pulled you outside and slammed the door. You watched as he took a few breaths, like he was trying to steady himself. “Talk to me, please.”

“I wasted two years,” he whispered, tilting his head to look at the sky. “Two fucking years.”

What is he talking about?

“I don’t understand,” you said.

“I made a huge mistake and I regret it,” he said, squeezing your hand as he faced you. “And I can't go the rest of this week without telling you. I wasted enough time.”

“Tell me what? Bucky, what did you do?”

And can we come back from it?

That literary edging. I'm sorry! Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

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