#by the time i made it into my teens i'd learned not to act out anymore

[slippery-minghus]

huh. so like. transitioning from childhood into adolescence was really really hard for me. hard enough that even stating it like that is novel, rather than just "i was really weird and probably evil when i was 12" lol. but it just occurred to me how... autistic that was. the struggle with change. nevermind that from ages 10-13, my parents' relationship was worse than it ever had been as they approached divorce, and the tension in the house was enough to have set shit on fire but...

before my very eyes, things i enjoyed as a child were suddenly not fun anymore. i'd turn on a show i liked, one of the very few, and an episode i would have enjoyed the day before was mind-meltingly stupid. all of my toys—which because my mom substituted healthy love with giving me things, i had a lot of—dropped one at a time from my very short list of things that were fun. (un-dx'd autism also made playing with toys... boring as shit. could only put barbie in so many outfits. and i was too averse to social things to put her in Situations) what i did to my barbies when i finally couldn't stand them anymore was... it wasnt good.

and looking back at it through this lens though... i finally have an answer to the shocked and disgusted "what the hell was wrong with me??" it was because i was angry. i was scared. my parents were fighting all the time and i knew long before then that i couldn't rely on them for jack shit, so i had absolutely no recourse for dealing with the changes my brain was going through. changes i was going through while trying not to be abused, going through puberty (even as an adult shifts in my hormones make me extremely volatile), being bullied/ostracized by my friends and classmates, struggling for the first time with my grades (even though i was "Gifted"!), and of course, trying to fix my parents' marriage and their mental illnesses. all while having a brain that is particularly averse to change.

no wonder i was angry. no wonder i was scared. i was so alone. it was one of the rare occasions i actually acted out, and with the way i built my psyche to survive, no wonder that memory instills me with immediate shame. it was so unlike me to act out for a reason...

and i think back to another memory... one i hold very close to my heart. not because it was one where i was cared for, it's not even good. i think back to the brief stint when i was ten or so that mother put me in therapy for my "anger issues" (and i went unnoticed as autistic yet again. i know intellectually as an adult my mom just wanted to help... but that stint in therapy only reinforced the blame and the brokenness in me). one day, the therapist had me fill up this sandbox with figurines. she had so many to choose from, and it was so much fun. i'd never played with anything like it before. i remember i built a city, with ins and outs and lots of activity. but in the corner, closest to me, behind a wall where the rest of the city wasn't looking, i placed a little baby and an angry tiger. nobody could see how much danger i was in. nobody wanted to see. it was a quiet death.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

sexual assault and rape tw

I'm 22 years old and I've been having some trouble with the discovery that I have a rape fetish. I've known since 2022 but I still feel intense shame about it and there's so many things about it that scare me. I've also been wondering if there's a way to just stop feeling anything sexual? that'd save me some trouble bc then I wouldn't have to think about this ever again

I'm a bi woman. I only figured out I'm bisexual last year and before that I thought I was a lesbian. but then I learned how to masturbate and I realized men were a part of my fantasies — I was in denial for a long time and even thinking about being with a guy would make me feel despair and cry for hours back then. I still feel bad about it nowadays but at least I'm not in denial anymore. I've never had trouble understanding that I like women and whenever I fantasize about women I don't feel negative emotions during or after masturbation (even if I end up fantasizing about rape). but when I fantasize about men I always feel upset afterwards and my fantasies with men are *always* about rape/sexual assault. I don't feel a lot of attraction to men's bodies, I just feel attracted to the idea of them sexually assaulting me or raping me, y'know? so even in my fantasies with guys I never think too much about their body. actually, I prefer it if the guy is super old and I don't feel any positive emotions about him

in hindsight my attraction to men is definitely tied to sexual trauma. since I was a child (and specially when I was a child) I've been sexually assaulted by boys and adult men. they'd touch my genitals and make me touch their genitals or hold me in place without letting me go. there was also the usual butt slapping. I even forgot about what happened with a specific old man for some time when I was 9. when I finally remembered what happened and told my parents about it they acted as if it were my fault and I had wanted it. but, like, no actual rape happened. so is this even enough for a rape fetish to develop?

and my experience with f/m couples during childhood was pretty bad – I remember thinking that women were like servants and needed to be submissive. I tried asking my mom about it when I was 10 but she just got angry at me and told the rest of my family I was asking about inappropriate things and accusing me of wanting to do inappropriate things

I think all of these experiences are the reason I started having rape fantasies (well, I suppose they were just sexual assault fantasies back then) with men as a child (I remember the first ones starting when I was 7 and they kept happening up until I was 10). I remember thinking that it was how it worked and how it's meant to be for women. I'd feel disgusted afterwards and eventually, in my early teen years, I stopped thinking about this altogether. I didn't know what any of it meant but it made me uncomfortable so I didn't think about it at all for years. but then I learned how to masturbate when I was 20 and I had to force myself to think about everything that happened bc I needed to understand why my brain works the way it does. it seems pretty obvious in hindsight but it took me a long time to understand what all of it meant

anyway. I keep thinking about maybe trying something with a guy to see how it turns out bc everytime I think about liking men my mind just goes back to assault/rape, but perhaps that's something I need to heal from? and does all of this mean I like to be assaulted? it feels so good when I'm fantasizing about it that I get scared about how I'd react if it happened irl. I keep wondering if I would I like it too and if this means I liked being sexually assaulted as a child? and sometimes I get excited when I think about *actually* putting myself in a dangerous situation with a guy I don't know. I'm scared (but also excited by the thought) that one day I will actually do it.

tbh I wish I could just like vanilla stuff. or just not feel sexual attraction at all

hi anon,

you've given me so much to work with here and I am DELIGHTED, so let's take this bit by bit, answering your questions/curiosities in order as much as possible.

generally no, there's not really a way to turn off sexual feelings. a lot of people find that they get supremely un-horny on antidepressants or other mood stabilizers, but that's a side effects that's hardly guaranteed. the most reliable option would probably be a lobotomy, but that's a bit drastic so let's not do that.

this is a bit beside the point, and I certainly can't tell you what to call yourself, but if you'd rather be a lesbian you can absolutely be that. there's a huge difference between liking the idea of a very specific type of sexual situation with a fictional man and actually being attracted to real men, and it really doesn't sound like actual living breathing real men hold any particular allure for you. I know this isn't the biggest issue her by a longshot, but I do just want to say you can absolutely call yourself a lesbian if calling yourself bisexual isn't sparking joy. the only truth is what feels best to you.

there's no such thing as "enough rape" for something to traumatize you; any amount of sexual assault is sexual assault (and your parents are shitheels for implying that you, a child, were somehow responsible for that, btw). and while there's no quantifying how much assault is enough to "count," it's worth pointing out that exactly none is required to "justify" a kink - there are people with rape fantasies who will never experience a single act of nonconsensual violence in their lives, and that's just as fine as people who eroticize sexual violence in response to their own trauma. being horny is a morally neutral act.

at a guess I would say no, this probably doesn't mean you like to be assaulted; very few people do. and no, it certainly doesn't mean you enjoyed being assaulted as a child. even if you did enjoy some aspects of whatever was done to you, that's a.) beyond your control; arousal isn't a process that needs your permission to occur. lots of people orgasm while being sexually assaulted, which certainly doesn't mean it wasn't assault and b.) that does not in any way mean that the person or people who hurt you are absolved from blame for abusing their power over a child.

listen: even people who do enjoy getting roughed up or hurt in some capacity generally have to do at least a bare bones negotiation and provide some level of consent to get there, meaning it is fundamentally different from someone jumping out of the bushes to assault you like a villain of the week on SVU. I really enjoy getting tattoos, but I'd be understandably horrified if someone tackled me on the street to start sticking needles in my body without permission. likewise, a great deal of BDSM enthusiasts would be extremely unhappy to be flogged or whipped without warning by someone they didn't agree to do that with. context is everything, and the ability to control your scenario really, really matters. (I just said a little bit more about that here.)

if you do want to explore consensual nonconsent IRL, please emphasize the consensual part - find a sexual partner who understands how to negotiate a scene and with whom you can negotiate boundaries and opt-outs ahead of time, rather than a stranger you genuinely don't feel safe with.

[ruified]

i just finished reading dazai, chuuya, age 15 so here are some quotes that made me lose my mind (and me explaining why)

…Their argument further escalated when Dazai wouldn't say who was the mastermind behind the black flames. However, Mori had given them strict orders not to solve their problems through violence or threats.

Therefore, they picked what they deemed the fairest method of deciding things: arcade games. The loser would have to obey the winner no matter what.

They ended up playing close to a hundred matches, but that's a story for another time.

the fact that they chose arcade games to settle such a serious matter is so childish /pos i love how they bring out this side in each other, they both had to grow up pretty fast but they were able to do stuff like this around each other. even within the sheep, who took chuuya in, he still had to act like a leader despite his age, and this change is demeanor is strikingly obvious when shirase and the others show up at the arcade and confront chuuya. dazai also had very little chances to act as a teen would and do normal teenager boy stuff, settling a bet over an arcade game was pretty close to that experience though.

"You can't use your hands anymore," said Chuuya. Then he shouted, "Dazai! Now!"

"I'm already on it!"

Dazai sprinted right for Randou, one fist raised.

The boy's eyes were as clear as the sky on a sunny day; they lacked any shred of trepidation. This was not something earned, for only those determined to live could possess their heavenly blue sparkle.

DAZAI’S EYES IN THIS SCENE???? my interpretation of it is that in this very moment dazai wanted to live, and that’s what he was fighting for. he wasn’t just spewing shit when he said that chuuya convinced him to live, at least to live through this fight. i love him sm, 15/pm dazai gotta be one of my favorite complex/fucked up lil guys

"You must die so that I can absorb your dead body and learn what became of my friend—so that I can fill in those missing eight years— so that I can save him."

oh rimlaine my favorite divorcees, how you make my heart ACHE. now “save him” can mean two different things here as it can be literally or figuratively. literally speaking, of course, would just be that arthur would find him if he was alive (keeping in mind that this before he remembered their fight). figuratively speaking, he could mean that he wants to save paul from being forgotten and being lost to time, to preserve his memory and, in turn, uphold meaning to paul’s life as something inhuman.

there’s also this whole section that describes arthur sort of feeling as if everything they (arthur and paul) went through was merely one sided because paul, in his eyes, had betrayed him and (quite literally) stabbed him in the back

"…I thought maybe that way I'd start to like myself as a person—me, a little pattern without a body of my own."

this quote from chuuya is so good and it carries so much impact, it just hit me pretty hard

bonus shoutout to dazai being just amazed by chuuya and standing there, staring like an idiot

[catboylister]

hi iwbftblr i am going to yap about when/why i think listers addiction starts because i think about it a lot

cw for disscussions of alcoholism (obviously) but also sa and poverty and basically anything lister goes through at all. bro is living ROUGH

i don't believe that its as simple as hes just got an 'addictive personality' or he has the addiction gene. jimmy himself even says that "before we got famous, lister showed little sign of being into the party lifestyle, beyond being mildly disruptive at school." (pg 79.) so its most likely due to other triggers that his addiction began.

one of the most obvious things that triggers his alcoholism is having access to money after growing up in poverty. also on pg 79 jimmy says "as soon as we started making money, lister's love for the finer things reared its head." growing up in poverty is fucking rough, and lister is still a young teen when they start getting famous, he has no idea how budgeting, savings or credit actually works. its a very typical childish response for him to have. in the scene where they argue in the bathroom lister confirms that he was very close to living on the streets, so of course hes going to be excitable and reckless when he has access to the wild amount of money they get from being famous. and again, lister basically confirms that this wealth is a big trigger for him, drinking and parties for him is just "enjoying having money and being happy." (pg. 141)

as for when that actually starts, isn't the most clear, but you can sort of create a timeline by looking at some of the extra materials like 'the incident on showday' and the wiki pages alice has made !! while the incident doesn't actually have a canon ending, the things we learn about the characters and how the act tells us a little bit more the ark's life pre-iwbft.

starting with 'the incident on showday' lister is 17 and it's very clear that he's already struggling with alcoholism. it's very much passed the 'just social drinking' phase considering he's (very badly) drinking in secret already. also cecily's 'no drinking on show days' rule is already a thing at the point. (this is all on the starting page of the game)

skipping slightly forward, when you get to the part where you're in the supply cupboard with jimmy, and choose to apologise, lister begins to ramble about his alcoholism and reveals quite a bit.

"look, i just... i know this isn't the first time i've done this and i promise... i swear i'll try to sort it out." / "i just... with the drinking... i feel like i can barely control it anymore, i dunno, and i always do it when i don't want to-"

from this we know that lister knows he has an issue, and maybe that he's been trying to deal with it on his own, but it hasn't been working out. either way, at 17, its already an issue that has been going on for a while. which makes me think that it became an addiction when he was either 16 or 17

we know that at these ages he's been through a lot. he was for the first time when he was 16, and i'd say it's implied that it happened again with kevin but thats a whole other conversation. it would have also been around the time that the suitcase incident happened and rowan was ignoring him, so he would've probably felt very lonely, and partied more to try cope with that. these, plus the money are probably the biggest causing factors for his addiction, at least from my interpretation.

also, as for jimmy and rowan not intervening, through iwbft, especially at the start, lister's drinking habits are sort of portrayed as just this quirk of his. though jimmy's attitude towards it gets more serious as the week goes on. jimmy only comes to the realisation that lister is displaying obvious signs of alcoholism for the first time when he finds him in the bathroom. he does attempt to bring this up to lister, but ultimately it is considered and issue for another day, which results in the whole lister almost dying because red flags weren't taken seriously enough thing. again thats probably better for a whole other conversation too.

but anyway, timeline that makes most sense in my head is:

the ark start blowing up + making money -> the record their first album -> lister is assaulted -> album eventually comes out and they're preparing for their first european tour -> lister accidentally outs jimmy -> rowan ignores lister for 2 months, so probably that entire tour -> lister is extremely lonely -> he starts to party more to as a coping mechanism simply because he can -> he learns that if he's ever sad or stressed drinking 'fixes' it -> congrats !! alcoholism achieved !! -> 'the incident on showday' takes place somewhere here

do not try this at home guys

[gooselycharm]

hi there! i'd just like to say that your kris and noelle "something else" comic has been driving me insane /pos and i'd love to hear more of your thoughts on those two!! their relationship is one of my favorite things in deltarune and your comic just got everything about them so right 🙏

thank you for reading "something else"! oh man, [more of] my thoughts on kris+noelle.... i sure got some of those.

this was one of the first tweets i made after finishing chapter 2 nearly... freaking 2 years ago. and basically i've just been saying that over and over again in different ways because i'm still not tired of the concept yet and probably wont ever be LOL. i'm obsessed with how badly the narrative wants to force them into an easily categorizable dynamic, especially the romantic one in snowgrave. the literal THORN RING, the more possessive dialogue options, spamton calling noelle a side chick LOL... it all creates this unnerving visual novel bad end atmosphere that feels manufactured by someone who's only ever learned about romance through secondhand sources. they're two queer teens trying to navigate their changing relationship with the only role models they know being their parents' own failed heterosexual marriages. they're so divorced² (divorced children of divorce).

i also like that for being so tragically doomed coded they can be funny! both in a dark humor way and also like, genuinely funny, like the stories of them as kids with kris covering themselves in ketchup and hiding under noelle's bed lmao. i mean there's even something funny about the romantic trappings of the snowgrave route, like trying to put wedding cake embellishments on a crime scene... you know, funny like kids trying on their parents clothes but they're too big and for some reason they're also crying and covered in blood? um.

i'm also SOOOO interested to see how snowgrave will continue in chapter 3! i really liked the hopeful note chapter 2 ended on (well. i took it as hopeful anyway). there's that bit where noelle is talking to herself and she says something like "recently kris has been acting so strange and no one else has noticed... i have to figure out why" and then kris jumpscares her LOL but i think i took that one line and really ran with it. noelle really is the one who knows kris best and despite how scared she is, she's still determined to help them... i like the little subversion of victim/hero going on, the implication that kris might be the one who needs rescuing.

the additional story/lore that came with the spamton sweepstakes made me CRAAAZYYYYY like my GOD... it's cute that noelle likes glitches/creepypasta when kris is kinda a walking creepypasta <3 also, god, noelle falling asleep listening to kris playing piano in the other room... there's so much like. wistfulness and nostalgia and this like... distant/detached intimacy packed into how noelle narrates that scene. it's kind of funny how much there is to dig into when like on a surface level they're just fairly regular childhood friends who grew apart LMAO they're extremely deep to me okay...

on another note i guess i do ship them? i like their dynamic whether it's platonic or romantic (the best is a weird mix of both 👍). it just can't be boring LOL like... this is one ship where trying to apply cookie cutter tropes to them really falls flat and the game is ahead of you on that anyway. in terms of romantically shipping them, i honestly don't think they're doomed to repeat patterns forever... i think they could actually be good for each other! but that's not really the aspect of their relationship that interests me akldjf;alk;sdg maybe i will make 60 page comic of kriselle going to couples counseling some other time

ANYWAY i'm going to cut myself off here, because i really could go on forever lol. i'll give you some links for further reading though

hellspawnmotel's deltarune art

lula pillowbug99's deltarune art

this art by raspbearis which features prominently in my internal kriselle bible

my own unfinished kriselle playlist

my own essay on gender & allegory in deltarune if for some reason u are not tired of hearing me talk yet

okay bye now & thanks again for reading my comic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[yellowhollyhock]

After Leo’s depression arc I want Raph to just go off on him for how Leo treated everyone during it. Just because he’s better doesn’t mean his actions have hurt those closest to him.

I can totally respect where you're coming from, like an acknowledgment of how that ordeal affected his siblings

Personally though, that's a fic I wouldn't want to read

My siblings and I grew up with various undiagnosed mental health conditions. Two of them had symptoms became a lot more severe in their late teens. Symptoms of depression and anxiety sometimes look like being a jerk to the people closest to you.

As the sibling dealing with this, and also not knowing about my own symptoms at the time... I would never want them to feel like they have to apologize for what they were suffering. It was hurtful sometimes. Anxiety attacks are much harder to spot than panic attacks and can look like a person acting meaner than usual; so if someone is having anxiety attacks often and you don't know what it is, yeah that stings. I was hurtful sometimes, too, echoing ableist ideas I'd learned at school or church without really understanding what I was saying or realizing it applied to the people I loved the most. Also, I didn't know until more recently, but I had a lot of symptoms growing up too that were hurtful to them, like how out of control mad I could get if the light was on too late at night, not understanding yet that I was overstimulated and thinking it was common sense that they should turn off the noisy light. Or just ignoring them for hours at a time, or trying to pretend to be emotionless because I didn't know how to process things.

None of them have ever made me feel like I had to apologize for that. We were all kids, kids dealing with really difficult stuff, and we just give each other grace.

As we've all grown up and understood ourselves and each other better, we're a lot more likely to apologize for the ableism we've worked to unlearn than for symptoms we didn't know how to deal with. It's also a lot more healing and productive to make more positive memories together (which we already had a lot to draw on, just mixed in with and complicated by the hard memories) than it is to analyze our past and try to decide who was more hurt or who was more wrong.

That's the fic I want to see for the 2003 turtles, over and over honestly. To me, it would be more satisfying to read about Leo realizing why he acted the way he did and why it was unhealthy, taking better care of himself and then seeing his behaviors improve because that's what happens when you're healthy, than to read about him getting yelled at. And the show kind of did that! Leo comes back from his training with the Ancient One acting much kinder and more Leo than he has in a long time, maybe ever. I'd like to see the other turtles learn from his experience about their own needs amd how they can take better care of themselves and each other

Raph getting to meet with The Ancient One for help with things he's been dealing with his whole life that his family didn't even realize were symptoms because they just thought it was normal, is a fic I would love to see a hundred different takes on.

Or, while Leo's gone, or even before, Splinter talking with his other kids about what Leo is going through and helping them not blame themselves, and all of them helping each other navigate a really difficult situation

Anyway that's just my opinion shaped by my experience. Everyone else is entitled to theirs

[crispy-kitten-princess]

If i ever were able to list all the things i dislike in Magisterium series, this post would've been endless. Instead, I'd mention smth i love so much that it makes me re-read the series for the fifth time and gives me inspiration for new drawings and playlists

The first one is aesthetic. I don't think I've ever read a YA book with the death and necromancy as the main lore theme. Also, the first book in series is so sweet and innocent compared to the fourth I can't believe it lol. Corpses. So gothic. So edgy. Love it

The second is very similar to the first - chaos magic. We come across elemental magic in all sorts of media, but they don't usually have the 5th element, or if they have it's more likely to be electricity or smth. Not ACTUAL NECROMANCY omfg... I love it. Also Makars being able to manipulate not only chaos (the void itself) but the soul.... Cute

So next. The main character ofc. Callum Hunt. What can I say he is such a cinnamon roll hating himself for what he is not. Screaming, crying, throwing up. I can feel his pain with every fiber of my soul he's so relatable. He is a type of chaotic neutral main character which is rare I guess, and at the same time he doesn't act like a total jerk and piece of shit. Can't name some other like him, idk. He's sweet but also edgy. His self-confidence is below the surface of the earth. He's just like me frfr my poor little meow meow. Also he is disabled and it influences the events of the book. Sometimes. Cool, representative. Not a disabled person myself but can appreciate it

Another reason for me to love the series is the changing of Call's secrets idk how to call this. The structure of his character lore. His secrets and abilities, they're layered.. you know... And every book one by one uncovers these layers: 1 - he uncovers that he is the reincarnation of Constantine. 2 - he gets his powers (which made Constantine evil at the first place). 3 - he learns more about Constantine's family, and the whole world finds out that he "is" the Enemy of Death. 4 - omg how much he uncovers here lol i can't. May be my favourite book thanks to its maaad vibe. Everything he learns here makes him closer and closer to Constantine. 5 - i know that most of the fandom thinks it was stupid to make Constantine himself a reincarnated thousand-years-old evil Makar. And i may agree. But in the moment of reading this it was so impactful for me idk why.... I literally cried idk!!! Lol. Love the moment where Call opens his memory to help his friends to fight wolves or smth, and PASSES OUT. KING. So, the other secret is uncovered here. Everything he learns makes him understand Constantine's/Maugris's motives, but he never ever becomes anything like them nor wishes to follow their path. Pretty symbolic and meaningful

Upd. SOME MOMENTS ARE FREAKING HILARIOUS

So what can I say? Every series has it's weak and strong points. Some of them become classic literature, some are forgotten in the abyss of YA books. I understand why Magisterium's place is with the second type of series, and it's not even saddens me anymore (we're so underground teehee). But i see many posts where the series is shitted over, and not much of posts appreciating the things that we actually love in it. Aren't they the reason you started and finished it sometime? So I'm here spreading positivity! And also because I'm so tired of being a fan of this shit so i tried to acknowledge all that i love, and why am i here in the first place

I think it's all for now, maybe I'll come with more ideas later

Fandom are you alive? Heh am I a Call kinnie to the point that i become necromancer?...

P.S. sometimes i think I'm so cringe to be periodically obsessed with this STUPID POOR-WRITTEN CHILDISH BOOK ABANDONED EVEN BY IT'S OWN CREATORS BUT I CAN'T HELP IT...... AND THE WORST THING IS THAT I DIDN'T EVEN READ IT IN MY EARLY TEENS (except the 1 which i read when i was around 13. Read it twice in one week so maybe that's the moment my brain was damaged) I READ IT WHEN I WAS 16 ALREADY aaarrrhh I'm so cringe. Why obsession why why why why why why i hate this but this is literally the only book which makes me cry and scream and feel every fucking time i re-read it even when i know EVERYTHING THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN LITERALLY EVERYTHING reading it all again for the 6th time FOR GODDESS SAKE WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME

[tothefiniteyou]

one day i'd like to properly tackle the real root of raph and leo fights because i so often pull my hair at some of the mischaracterizations (especially towards raph). i don't want it to turn into this "media literacy/comprehension" battle though, because i truly feel like it's just a way to be like "i know better than you, im the correct one here". it's just not very productive, frankly.

all the same, it's odd how blown out of proportion some of their fights are, or how it so often boils down to this fight for leadership. like sure, maybe a bit, but the real issue is their similarities, not the role itself.

leo can be a prideful asshole (-said affectionately. he's my favorite i swear) and constantly needs control. he just weaponizes his title rather than be vulnerable and really talk about his fears because it's easier. leadership = one in charge in his mind because he was raised that way. it's like crossing his fingers and praying the leader card gets them to shut up and listen to him even though he knows it won't. but what, you want him to actually communicate?? his feelings?? no way... it's easier to fall back on the authority he thinks he has. which is a rough cycle if you think about it, because he's afraid of being vulnerable both because he's the leader and because he's the older brother.

(as a side note, this is such a teenage thing to do, as someone recently out of the teen stage. he basically throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and that is so real of him at times. it's hard feeling like you're the only one taking something seriously, especially when your responsibilities are just. more. of course it's his anxieties fueling it and making him kind of brash at times, but as shown in 2003 with post exodus, leo seems unable to voice what's going on in his head so he acts out in "raph-like ways").

as for raph, he's the same way, except it's his anger that acts as a crutch for him. in both the original series and later iterations, he's always best understood that the world hates them. it hates them, and they're all they have in the world. they can only count on each other (..and those eventually adopted into the family).

i'll always love the issue of april and the sea woman who was one of the last of her kind because it was the first time she really understood raph's anger. she didn't say anything, but it made her feel lonely herself. raph had been pushing her and casey away because they truly don't get it and never will. they have so many humans they can learn to love or get along with, but raph only has his brothers. just like the merpeople.

anyways, back on track. raph needs instant solutions, and as one trained to fight to protect, he sees this as the easiest one. he didn't grow up with leo's role as leader, nor his brother's personality and perspective. he doesn't want to be leader because he resents all that it stands for (read: the one to stop him from quick, easy justice).

to raph, pacifism won't get them anywhere, and that's part of his impulsiveness. instant solution is making sure the enemy can't harm again - but it's not that simple. not to leo, who always falls back on worst-case scenarios.

he's had it drilled into his head that a leader is always the one to make the right call, and i think it fed his ego a bit. not in a bad way necessarily, just. in a misguided, impressionable kid way. he has to prepare for everything to live up to expectations.

in the original comics, when they return to new york, there's a point where raph almost gets killed by the shredder because he thinks leo is too scared to "finish the job". it's one of their most emotional fights, and to be honest, i think raph was right. leo was scared. but so was raph, because he knew the shredder could do the things he had done to leo to any one of them again at any point in time. he had to get rid of the threat against his family.

to him, it's that simple. he knows the dangers that come from their line of work, but it's like he forgets how mortal they truly are.

so, in essence, im saying it's a more complex matter than just "i think you're a bad leader" or "you're pissing me off". make no mistake, he does do things to intentionally make leo upset/mad, but it's more because they both think they're in the right and disagree with their methods of protecting the family. it is a rivalry, but i wouldn't say it's about the leadership position.

this isn't to tear down rise or anything because i do like rise! (clarifying this part because i don't want it to seem like i'm comparing or saying one does it better than the other). and i agree that it is probably the healthiest depiction of raph and leo fights. however, i think the way and reason they fight in rise is more similar to other iterations than it appears at first glance. it's just that the roles have been reversed a tad and the approach with the entire topic is different. that's what keeps things interesting and the franchise alive!

and please don't take this the wrong way!! it's not directed at anyone or anything in particular, but rather something i've thought about a ton. you don't have to take my word as gospel or anything, im just a person saying words akvkksc. i think depictions of them as angry idiots are fun as well because, hey. they're siblings, and siblings will fight about anything even when they're in the wrong. especially when they know they are wrong. so write whatever and be free. the hair-pulling line was definitely more about mischaracterization in a generalized sense

[theleafcard]

I quit shaving over a year ago. Here's some thoughts and things I've learned

Shaving for some people IS a difficult task. I see people say that it's just a quick 5 minute part of their daily routine. I have audhd traits and have a hard time motivating myself. Since I've grown out my body hair it feels like I've freed myself of worrying about an unecessary task

People don't actually care. People who are close to you may make an odd comment but nobody on the street is going to go out of their way to tell you their thoughts on your hair

It's surprisingly difficult to find community on it. Whenever I try to look up people talking about stopping shaving, instead of people who grow out there body hair, you get articles and videos of people who stopped shaving and switched to other hair removal methods or worse fetish content

I have less gender dysphoria. Now I want to make clear that I don't view body hair as masculine. Its the act of shaving itself I find dysphoric. I'm non binary and having body hair has made me feel less feminine and is a step in learning how to accept and learn to feel comfortable in my own body

I think everyone should give it a go. I'm not saying the whole world should give up their razors and wax strips but I think everyone should have a go at growing it out. Most women/afab/femmes usually start shaving in their teens and make it a habit so they never really get a shot at just letting it grow. Stop removing it and see how you feel about it and you may actually be surprised. I was sceptical at first but I'd honestly never go back. I prefer being hairy. It just feels right

[elacular-kink]

Poly-techhic 3.5 A: Oops all feelings

This is a pretty direct sequel to chapter 3. It's a very short scene where Maya asks Olivia about her relationship with Susanna now that she finally has The Context. This includes No Hiccups, sadly.

Character Sheet

TW: Religious trauma, Shame (remembered, discussed), Abortion (discussed), Emotional meltdowns (remembered), Shitty teachers (remembered), Kids/teens dealing with kink stuff (remembered), Self-loathing (remembered, discussed), Complicated romantic feelings

"Hey, Liv!" I said while we were lying in my bed together. "Now that I know about Susie's cute hiccup thing, can I know the full story behind you and her?"

Liv sat up and pursed her lips for a moment. "I guess you can now, yeah. Well, it started in preschool. I only remember parts of it because we were so young, but the main thing I remember is that it was the first place where a lot of people started getting sick of my hiccups and telling me that. Teachers and other kids. They'd do things like try and make me drink water or hold my breath, even though I told them I knew that nothing worked. They didn't listen to me. And every time a new person tried, they didn't listen to me either. But I could feel that Susanna was watching me. She always was, but she never talked to me, and she never tried to cure me. So eventually I just came up and asked her why she was staring at me, and she yelled 'You're scary!' and ran away. So I guessed that that made sense. I assumed it was a racism thing." It was kind of crazy to me to imagine a four-year-old being able to "assume it was a racism thing".

"But one day we had a substitute teacher who was really really bothered by my hiccups. And she kept trying to cure me, and after water and holding my breath, they got weirder, and she kept touching me and trying to drag me places and I started crying, and then Susanna yelled at her. She yelled about how nothing cures me and said that if she didn't stop trying to, she'd beat the teacher up. So Susanna and I both got sent to the corner. I asked her why she was scared of me, and she said it was because she was scared of the hiccups. When I asked her why she'd never tried to cure me then, she said that just because she was scared of them didn't mean that they shouldn't exist. And then out of nowhere she just yelled 'I'm gonna be brave and face my fears!' After that, we were best friends. She was always around me, especially when I had the hiccups, and if anybody tried to cure me or give me crap about them, she'd yell at them or hit them. Susanna got in trouble a lot.

"At the end of that year, my older brother got expelled because he was too autistic for them, so he and I were both sent to public school. That was probably a good thing, and I was happy to go to the same school he was, but I didn't realize Susanna wouldn't be going there too until it was too late. We left the church too, so I couldn't find her through that either. So all through elementary and middle school, I still had the same experiences, but no Susanna to protect me or get angry at people for me. That's part of why I realized being honest was important. Even if a lot of people didn't listen to me when I said that nothing cured me or that I didn't like being touched, some people would listen, and they'd know that I always said that, so I'd have a sort of paper trail. A court record, I guess. That's also why I learned how to get pretty good at muffling my hiccups. I don't like doing that when I don't have to, though, so I usually avoid it these days.

"Then in high school, I saw Susanna again. As soon as I did, I hugged her, because she said I could hug her any time. She was really confused and angry, but when I told her who I was, she remembered me right away. I was confused too because she acted like she didn't want me around, but then I remembered how she'd stared at me and run away from me when we were little, and I figured that she might just be scared of me again. But she'd decided to face her fear then, so she'd probably do it again now. And we had a bunch of classes together anyway, so I was going to spend time with her. I tried to reconnect with her with things I remembered her liking. Some of them worked, like talking to her about computer games. Or video games more broadly. But others didn't work, and I didn't understand why until later. Like, one of her favorite things to do when we were little was to play doctor when I had the hiccups and give me examinations. I never minded that, but when I asked if she'd like to do that again, she nearly exploded. I knew it wasn't really age-appropriate, but that still didn't make any sense to me until I learned about her hiccup fetish.

"Even though she acted differently, she was still the same Susanna Jane Butler I remembered. She'd get between me and anyone who tried to give me shit about my hiccups. Actually, she wouldn't let people give me shit about anything, even when I was the one who was wrong. That's something I still feel like I have to be careful about; not letting her act like I'm always right. Or convince me of that. When I say that I'm always right, I'm mostly being facetious, but there's a part of me that really believes it. And I think there's a part of her that really believes it too.

"She was really serious about catholicism still and got into arguments all the time with people about gay marriage and abortion. She's really embarrassed about that now. I was sort of able to guide her away from that. For the abortion thing, I ended up finding out that restricting access doesn't actually decrease the number of abortions that happen. Since she actually thought it was about wanting people to not kill babies, that made a huge difference to her, and it got her started changing her mind. Gay marriage was harder because there's nothing objective or numbery about that. It was also harder because she's gay, so I think she figured that if it was something about her, that something was probably bad. It's fucked up. Telling her I was bisexual didn't help. It just made her try to convince me to only ever date men and tell me I was lucky I had that option." Olivia frowned. "Susanna can be a real asshole when she gets envious of people."

"Jesus. So she was way fucking worse in high school." Imagining her like that, I knew I would have hated her fucking guts. "Uh, not that I'm not happy you did, but why the fuck did you keep hanging out with her?"

"Because she was still my best friend. I'd never had anyone who was as good a friend as her. And she was still a good friend, even if it wasn't the same as before and even if there was a lot more harder stuff than there used to be. She'd still do things like protect me from people who were mean, share her food with me, give me her sweaters when it was cold, and sing songs for me when I got overloaded. She's always been good at helping me with sensory overload. Part of it is probably that her little sister has some cognitive issues and has meltdowns kind of like mine, but she was good at it in pre-k too, so I think she might also just have always had a knack for it. Susanna's a person who always tries to do what she thinks is right. She tries way too hard a lot of the time, and when she's wrong it's really annoying and stupid, but when she's right and when she's helping people, it makes her someone really really special.

"When I learned about her hiccup thing, I don't remember exactly what set it off. It seemed like nothing to me. Susanna would probably remember it better. But at some point in junior year, Susanna flipped out when I tried to hug her, then ran off and locked herself in a bathroom. That's kind of her default panic response, I think. When I found her, she was crying. She only cried once or twice when we were in pre-k, and I'd never seen her cry in high school, so I knew that something was serious and bad. She said that I shouldn't come near her and that she was bad and evil. I told her that was stupid, and she yelled at me that that was because I didn't know the truth. So I told her that I knew that she was gay and she had a crush on me and that was fine. I was right, but, um..." It was rare for Olivia to use a filler word, and her flat face twisted into a small cringe. "That didn't help. That didn't help at all. So we fought a bunch. She actually had some grievances stored up. She doesn't do that anymore, especially not to me, because that's something I fear a lot. But she'd let small things that she felt were unfair for her to be upset about build up and they burst out. I started crying too, and crying almost always gives me the hiccups, so she came out of the stall she'd been hiding in and tried to run away, but I grabbed her and asked if she wanted me to leave her alone. She didn't say yes or no, she just screamed. And then we both got taken to the principal's office. The principal tried to get me to drink water, and she said 'That never fucking cures her you stupid piece of shit!' So she got suspended. I just got detention.

"I missed her like crazy the whole time she was away. And when she came back, I told her that. She told me that she missed me too, but that I needed to know the truth about her and she'd tell me after school. After school, we climbed to the top of a tree so we could have some privacy. Once we were there, she told me about her hiccup fetish, and she broke down crying, talking about how she'd been using me and doing bad things to me even back when we were little, and by never trying to cure me and letting me hug her while I had the hiccups, she was objectifying me and abusing me and...honestly, at some point I stopped hearing the words. Because she was saying a lot of things, but underneath it was really just 'I'm a bad person and I made you dirty' over and over and over again. So I told her that she wasn't a bad person and that she didn't make me dirty. I told her that I didn't feel like she used me, and I didn't mind if I turned her on. I even kind of liked it now that I knew about it. And I guess after that we were sort of dating.

"It didn't take me very long after that to realize I was aromantic. It was honestly a little frustrating because I knew I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't really give her the thing she wanted. I didn't know a lot about polyamory back then, so I didn't realize we had options, but I knew I couldn't give her what she'd want from a 'girlfriend,' so I told her I couldn't be that. I was really clear that we could still have sex though. It took her a while to understand that. But once we were actually fully having sex, I really liked it, and I've liked doing that with her ever since. So she's not my girlfriend and I'm not hers, but she's still my best friend. And we have sex. A lot."

"...damn." I scratched the back of my head. "I knew you two were kind of married, but that's some soulmate-type shit."

"That's stupid, but I get what you mean." I snorted. "I'm an atheist. Susanna says she is too, but she's really just an uncatholic. That's a really specific kind of thing. And to the extent that she still believes in god, I think she might believe something similar. That we might have some kind of divine connection or something. I don't think that. But I know that I love her, and I've never loved anyone else more than her. And I know that I like spending time with her more than anyone else." She took a slow, deep breath. "I've been learning that she isn't enough though. Not for me. And I'm not enough for her. And that's scary. But learning it is a good thing. Because we shouldn't just have each other. We should have other people. Other people we share, and other people who are just for us. Even if we do spend our whole lives together like I'd like to, I'm so glad that we'll have other people too. Even if I don't know who all of those are yet. So I guess what I'm saying is..." she smiled at me. A real, big, serious Olivia smile. "Thank you for being one of our first people, Maya."

Holy shit, marry me.

"No." 

I froze. "...fuck, did I say that out loud?"

"Yeah." Olivia didn't look particularly bothered, but I knew that didn't necessarily mean she wasn't.

"Shit, sorry." I rubbed my face. "Uh...for what it's worth, I didn't really mean you. I sort of meant...your relationship? That, uh...that's probably not better?"

"I don't understand what you meant, but I know that that's the kind of hyperbole you think and speak in." After an awkward moment, Olivia started talking again. "I'd like clarification on why you said that, though."

"Honestly, I'd like that too." I laughed weakly. She stared at me. Fuck, she could make eye contact hard when she wanted to. "...I'm catching feelings for you two. And when I do, that's scary, because I've kinda steamrolled people with 'em before."

"I won't let you do that to me," Olivia said without even thinking. "That might mean breaking up with you at some point, but I don't see any reason that it would as of now. And Susanna definitely won't let you do that to her."

A laugh forced itself out of me. "Yeah. I think that'd be kinda like trying to steamroll one of those fuckin' cement poles that stick out of the ground at Target. Or something."

"For now, though, I'm having fun with you." Olivia's big, real smile came back. "And I'm so glad to have someone I can talk about Susanna with for real now. So I'm really happy you like her. And I really like that she likes you back."

I shook my head and sighed. "Yeah. I like that too, Liv." I hovered an arm over her shoulders and she leaned into my side, letting me wrap her up and cuddle her. "Yeah. I like that a lot."

[horsefreek151]

My husband's First time Watching Twilight

My dear husband has not seen many of the movies that were very informative of my tween and teen years; Twilight is one of the top ones. He not only agreed to watch it but agreed to let me write down his reactions. Here are the 3 PAGES of comments I recorded during the two hour movie.

Opening line: "I'd never given much thought to how I would die." - Well, Lucky you

I'm glad this deer is going to be totally unharmed

What ?! Hang on... He catches the dear mid jump like a trick dog.

Him: Why is (Stephany Myers) so obsessed with baseball? Me: Shes Mormon Him: I think it's the homoerotic subtext

ACAB even (Charly)

Alright... one bathroom? There's only two of you!

Billy (who is in a wheelchair) responds with how hes doing by saying "Still Dancing!" - I love him Meets Eric - GAY BEST FRIEND *He was disappointed by him being straight* *Pauses Movie* I had no idea her name was Isabella

Mike Existing - That's the most awkward person Ive ever seen

Jerk kisses her on the cheek without consent - That's assault

*Edward walks in* - OMG thats BATMAN *JKJKJK*

How ... Why ... Why is she laughing.

So he can see the future... Nobody in this movie knows how to eat food. Fuck you, Binder! She is the awkward one Charly Guy in Mill getting hunted - Hes agile I would have fallen over by then. Bella slips and falls over - Relatable *he is unaware of the trope* "Not in Phoenix Bells" Line referring to large animals hunting people in Forks - "YoU DoNt HaVe AnImAls iN ArIzOnA" What do you mean Charly!? They have Mountain Lions and SNAKES Charly! *I mention scorpions too* No writer in this movie ever talked to a high schooler. "Your name is Bella?" - Its actually Isabella as I have learned I only care about this golden onion... and why it isn't a golden garlic. "Cold wet thing" - Unlike sand which is hot and course She also looks like shes in white face paint. (Edward) just walks away like a fucking freak... I love it. None of these people have ever talked to a human before. *Car Crash* - So much is happening... why are there so many cuts... The vampires all look like fucking mimes Your asking him about the speed he got there and not the CRUMPLED DOOR?!

Dont worry (Bella) Im also confused about what happened *Edward in the corner of her room* Hes like a fucking PTSD flashback. Hes a fucking sleep paralysis demon Its dumb to send (the vampires) to highschool. I didn't know one of (Bellas) personality traits was Clumsy There Bio teacher belongs in a sitcom They act like they are fifty or twelve... not like teenagers... twelve is more accurate. The most unrealistic part (of there field trip) is that the bus driver is not screaming at him for banging on the door... or maybe I grew up in Boston. *Edward dose the apple thing* - Ok now he's just making fun of her Robert Patterson and the guy playing Charly are the best actors. Edward mentions wearing a mask, and Bella quips about it - OOOOO, She called Edward out for being autistic! *He can say that as I am autistic and I give him permission* *Edward cant go to LaPush* - Is it cause he cant cross moving water? *He made so many jokes about vampire lore I didn't write them all down* I was trying to tell what time this flashback took place and I just couldn't. I'm glad they gave us a 30-second tutorial on how to get a book online. Some of this look like a horror movie TOKYO DRIFTING, Dam that was a fuckin j-turn! "Little do (her friends know) he was going to eat her, for her blood" Oh Bella, I understand he's a pretty boy, but back up from the "How do you know what he was thinking?" and back to the "WHY WERE YOU STALKING ME!?" I can't wait for the almost SA scene to never come up again... *sarcasm* * They touch hands by oops * - Touch Barrier Broken Charly and Billy watch the game - DAD DATE! ... Oh no not Butcrack SANTA! Looks at Jasper - Is he another vampire who fought for the Confederacy? She sees buttcrack Santa's body - Do they not have body bags? With how much he's stalking her he should be called Edward the Relentless *he loves what we do in the shadows* Why are we spinning... why is there so much spinning? Bella claims Edward talks old-fashioned - He talks like a badly written character... like everyone here. "you won't hurt me" - cause stalkers never escalate violence when things don't work out. Because she's a white woman, and he's her pit bull. LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE SAYS HES DANGEROUS BELLA. "personal brand of heroine" - Him: because everyone knows heroine comes in brands Me: Im on name brand Meth (me referring to my ADHD MEDS) Him: You're on generic Meth, and you know it. (as I take the generic brand) YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR LIKE A WEEK "Irevicoably in love with him" - GIRL... WHY? Sees Emmit - He kinda looks like Peet Davidson I like (Edwards) sitting like a little weirdo He turned to madly in love on a dime. Wait hang on.... (skips back to Billy giving Bella the stinkeye) Eyyyy They do what we do! (Billy holding all the stuff while Jacob pushes, like we do with my wheelchair) Just Sees Jasper - "Ive never seen more fear in a character than in his face right now

Is he scared she will know he fought for the Confederacy? (I have yet to confirm or deny the truth of this statement) Alice being Alice - OOoO Edward, she's gonna steal your girl! No wonder he's fallen in love in 3 seconds... he's been seventh wheel for who knows how long. *there dancing in edwards room* - *husband starts singing my fair lady* "Hang on Spider Monkey" - IT's THE LINE!!! *I mention how it's creepy that he watches her sleep* Well, you watch me while I sleep, but you have insomnia... and were married. *they kiss*- This is the most Mormon shit I've ever seen. At least they show how realistically boaring being a vampire would be. Drinking while cleaning your shotgun... that's totally safe Charly... "Why do you play baseball?" - Since they are American Bella! - "Well it is the American past time" Esme says - SEE! The Thrupple of trouble is walking in like there ready for a photoshoot. Blond Thrupple guy (James) looks so High... "...STuck here like MOM" - OOF! KNIFE TO THE HEART! Did her friends just steal mugs from the diner? Edward won't stop drinking her blood - Bop him on the nose with a newspaper like a dog. Edward sad he "didn't" stop - But you did stop when Carlile bopped you on the head with a newspaper. We kissed once now were in love forever.... They are all weirdos and this feels like a cult Director of Photography, I hate you. Costume? I can't forgive you for that flashback. High school science teacher, you were my favorite. His final review: This was a bad movie. There are better vampire movies, there's better romance movies and better young adult movies. All the genera are valed, this is just a bad example of all of those generas. I understand why its popular tho, and why young woman loved it. Especially when you take in at the time, it came out. Its the American mix of all about sex but completely clean and demonising sex and not having any sex in it. To me its the same way that 50 shades of gray wants to be about sexy bdsm while still saying bdsm is morally wrong. Nothing wrong with wanting a sexy vampire with wanting a romance, I like romance. Theres nothing wrong with media for young women. This is just bad.

[saemi-the-writer]

If you're still doing the pairing meme: Tikki/Plagg, Alyanette, Felinette, Adrinino and Lukanino?

Oh wow, that's quite the list. *cracks knuckle* Here I go!!

Tikki/Plagg

Screw canon with "Kwami don't understand love or human's feelings", Tikki and Plagg are the oldest married couple ever around!!! The balance, opposite attracts, fun bickering, sweet nickname Plagg only has for Tikki? They're married, your Honour!

Alya/Marinette

Best friends to lovers is a go!! It's a shame the show is so inconstant with Alya's characterization, but let's forget it for a moment: Alya is the one who openly stood up to Chloé for Marinette when they didn't know one another, Alya keeps rooting for Marinette in everything she does and helps whenever she can, is her confident and keeps giving her pep talk... what's not to love? Sure, Alya isn't perfect, and she's still a teen learning subtility among other things. And I don't think I need to expand on what Marinette does for Alya and everyone else, the poor girl even needs a long vacation! Burn whatever Lila is doing to Alya's brain whenever she appears on screen, Alya is a good friend and potential GF for Marinette!

Felix/Marinette

I am glad Felix was replaced by Adrien, I don't care if the quality of the show dropped or is imitating a roller-coaster ride. I've seen enough "girl is infatuated with a (selfish) boy who's acting like an asshole to her, whilst drooling all over a persona of hers", and I am glad they went for the "classmates-friends-to-lovers" route. Felix isn't "a jerk with a heart of gold", that's fanon Felix, and while some creators have very good AUs for the pairing (some I even follow!), it got tarnished in my eyes by the too many salt fics where Felix comes around to "save Marinette from EvUlanDsTOopiD classmates and Adrien". UGH. I despise how they made Felix an asshole only to try and make me feel sorry for him afterwards, there are two kinds of assholes, and Felix in his first apparitions wasn't in the "likeable" one.

Adrien/Nino

Underrated, underdeveloped, wasted potential, WHY?! They would make a very cute couple!! Also, gimme more of their friendship on screen goddamnit!!!!! They would be so fun to follow, example: Nino is usually being chill and smiling yet he (internally or not) completely freak out when Adrien makes a social faux pas due to his upbringing or casually buys him some expensive stuff "DUDE PLEASE DON'T 😨" "Did I do something wrong?? Are you mad? 😢" "Nonononono I'm not mad but... next time, just follow my lead and keep your money, please??" (still he lets Adrien give him gifts though because it's one of his love languages)

Luka/Nino

Anon, either you've been through my main blog (respect, for it's so chaotic and mostly untagged) or you're a mind-reader because it's a rare pair that I'd love to see more!! I admit that the idea crossed my mind kind of randomly, mostly when I was working on my Miraculous Team AU, but then I couldn't stop thinking about it. With good development, these two could work well! They'd make a fun, cute and chill couple, both music lovers and artists in different fields. Nino could be the shoulder Luka could lean on, he who is so often the one to dry people's tears, the two would support each other in a calm, steady way. Nino's perseverance would inspire Luka, and Luka's hidden sneakiness would come in handy for Nino... so much potential!

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Are you more of a cbt girlie or are you more into psychoanalysis? Have you integrated your shadow self? What are your thoughts on conversational therapy?

hmm well i've never had cbt or psychoanalysis done on myself in any meaningful type of way so i have no preference ^^ tried a cbt workbook once but it never made mucb impact. conventional therapy i always found to be completely useless for myself, and ive tried many times since i was a teen. never brought me any relief or self awareness i didnt already possess. rn i do biweekly OCD therapy which is kinda helping cus its more focused and actually provides a lot of useful knowledge i can apply day to day when the spirals come up.

as for shadow self, ive been worki ng hard to integrate it since around 2018, and i believe it is a lifelong practice, but i've made progress for sure. tbh what helped me most was having a few close friends who were willing to call me out on my bullshit back when i was really downbad. i was so hurt & embarrassed at first but idk where i'd b at now if they weren't strong enough to pull the trigger. like i was totally stuck in loops of self-victimization , perpetuating my own misery, i see it all so clearly now in retrospect n im forever grateful they trusted me enough to give me tough love!! they did it because they rly believed i could change myself, and they were right. my shadow will always exist but i have compassion for her now, and its easy to see thru the pain she feels just like how my friends did back then. see it for what it is and not act on it.

love honesty & community is the answer, imo. Strenghten your self concept so u can do more for others. learn to comfort your shadow in non destructive ways instead of trying to run from it or outright abolish its existence. thanks for the question hope ur well, have a good day anon 🙏

[irohsteaa]

I've been thinking about the writing spaces I used to visit as a teen/when I was in my early twenties and... damn, these were unpleasant places to be.

All the you need to toughen up if you want to write. The mocking of people who were upset when they received some harsh criticism (and often it was poor criticism: nitpicking, lack of specificity, blind repetition of established patterns etc.), the excess of irony and sarcasm, the lack of acknowledgement of the fact that sharing your writing is an act of vulnerability.

Just reading all of this—because, of course, I wasn't tough enough to publish anything in these places—made me hate writing for a very long time. My most important special interest became something that made me miserable; but hey, at least I felt like a real writer, because real writers hate the stuff they write, don't they, you can't be a real writer if you're not self-critical enough, only shitty writers enjoy their writing, and no one wants to be a shitty writer, am I right?

Bullshit. I needed a few years to un-learn all of this and fall in love with writing again.

And if someone ever reaches out to me for, idk, advice or support, I'd do my best to be like Riley's art teacher from Riley Wuz Here or Grimmer with all the kids around him, and not like the teacher from Pink Floyd's The Wall.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

One thing that's really sunk in now that I am in my late 30's and finally processing everything, especially having other experiences to contrast things against, is just how much my childhood was impacted in major ways by early attitudes I learned but never noticed.

Like you know how kids cry out to their mothers or parents for help? Or go to them when they have nightmares? That kind of stuff? I just never fucking did that. I remember just never fucking doing that, and I remember decidedly not going to my parents for help with anything else as a kid or teen. My mom used to even brag about what a quiet baby I was. How I'd sleep all day and just make quiet cooing noises all night in my crib.

Instead of asking for more food the moment I was able I'd hunt bugs for myself int he garden, forcing my mother to leave food out for me to "forage". Because by the time I could crawl or walk my first instinct was to look for a solution myself.

And I know why.

I know my parents have always made their lack of willingness to be supportive or understanding preemptively understood. I remember crying as a child to the point of hyperventilating, standing there trying to calm myself down as best I could, and eventually figuring out that if I sobbed out "I - Need- A - Hug" my mother would clue in that hugging me helped. But I had to figure out that it helped calm me down and communicate that to her before that support was even offered.

Usually how it would go is my sister would already be upset about something and acting out, and the moment I tried to voice that I was having a problem with something too there would be this immediate "Oh don't you start >:(" Like whether I was alone or not the moment I started to seem visibly upset things had gone too far, and people would continue to treat me as a litmus test for that for the rest of my life. Other people could cry and scream but the moment I was expressing that I was upset with any visible emotion, things had gone to far and everyone had to stop.

But it must have been before that too. I must have gotten the signal really early on that I could cry all I wanted and help wasn't coming, because from day one my most ingrained instinct when something went wrong, no matter how big and incomprehensible, has been "okay, so what do -I- do?"...

And I see it now with the way my mother responded to me as a teenager and how she responds to small needy things like animals. The moment they start to whine or pester her for something she acts really agitated and snaps or loses her temper really quickly.

And the stories she'd tell sometimes like she's proud of herself for figuring out how to manipulate us into "good behaviour" when we were "misbehaving"... and it was stuff like if I started crying too instead of helping to get my sister to stop, she's just throw herself on the floor and cry until we were both trying to comfort her... But it never seems to have occurred to her that this meant any time I expressed an unmet need, it was treated as bad behaviour that had to stop and never be addressed.

And when I was a teenager the moment it started to sound like I might tell her something was wrong she would interrupt me to say how I better not because it would "hurt her heart" or remind me of her bleeding ulcers or how she can't handle the stress. The few times as a teen I tried to tell her about anything going poorly in my life it became about managing her feelings about it and her telling me how I ought to have already handled it... So I learned to just not tell her anything.

And I think it was always like that. I had assumed it must just be how I'm hardwired because my sister never did anything except throw tantrums and expect someone to fix it for her, usually me, until she broke it so many times it couldn't be fixed again... Because she was allowed to.

I think, really, all babies start out knowing how to cry for their mothers, and some of us just learn that help won't come.

And before I stopped talking to her she'd ask me why I never told her anything about my life. She'd tell me how my sister tells her all about things all the time even when it's bad, like abusive boyfriends or doing meth or whatever, they talk about it... But I didn't know how to tell her that for my entire life, any time I have tried to tell her about myself or express that something wasn't right, she's told me to stop talking.

And then anytime I started expressing strong emotions as a teenager my step mother would accuse me of faking and punish me. Like even if I wasn't autistic to begin with I don't know how I was supposed to learn how to express emotions 'normally'.

And then my friends too. If I wasn't outwardly emotional they'd treat me like I couldn't possibly be serious about something or actually upset, and if I did show outward emotion, I was being dramatic or faking.

I am not the kind of person who can stand to sit in from of a mirror and practice making facial expressions properly to make sure I am doing it right without further developing imposter syndrome about my own emotions.

My entire life my job has been to not have needs of my own, to take care of everyone else's and to occupy myself, and it's been ingrained in me since literal infancy.

So surprise, surprise, I have ended up actually preferring to be alone, being entirely independent when I shouldn't even be able to manage it, physically speaking, and I spend all day quietly keeping myself occupied.

I don't know how else to be.

My brain grew in this way. They made sure of it.

[m3r1m4r5u333]

I've been thinking of how queer-coded Eddie (from 9-1-1) is, and the way his cardiologist (a heart doctor, how symbolic!) suggested Eddie might be repressed and...

Skip this post if the concept of repressed sexuality is uninteresting to you, this is mostly me talking about myself, to spread some knowledge about repression.

Anyway. Since anyone who has read any of my posts already knows I'm unhinged beyond comprehension, there is no reputation to lose here...

I just realized that I keep saying that I think Eddie is repressed and bi, and it just hit me that maybe people don't know what I mean by that? Maybe people don't know all faces of what repressed bisexuality can look like? It's not talked about a lot, I think.

So fic writers of the world, or whoever likes to learn, let me share my personal flavor of insanity - what my repressed bisexuality has looked like at different times!

Ah yes, first stage was Buck. Outrageous, oblivious flirting with anyone pretty... Without any clue that I was in fact flirting with everyone, including other women (I'm a woman). I just thought I was joking, teasing... Until it got just a bit too intense, and I finally went "Wtf. I'm flirting now. Like seriously, to get their attention! This isn't straight. What am I doing?"

And I was definitely nowhere near ready to get out of the closet or act on these instincts, so hey, we enter stage...

2. Repressed - and aware of it. Yes, may sound bizarre. To make things even more bizarre, when I say I started to repress my behavior... I don't mean just around women!!

By that time I had a lovely, open-minded friend group, I'd always been into queer rights etc. So I definitely felt like this wasn't really anything I should hide, or be ashamed of...

But I still grew up religious, and even though I left religion behind quite early in my teens? My family didn't.

So I wanted to come out. And was scared to come out.

And somehow... The longer I stayed silent, the more the mask of conformity started to suffocate. It disturbed me, to have people think I was 100% straight.

I started to feel like I was betraying my people, other bisexuals and queers in general, by conforming, and slipping notice under the cover of heteronormativity.

I thought, why should I talk about the men I like... if I can't also talk about the women I like. It just means I'm shoving myself deeper inside the closet!

So my logical solution to this problem...

Was just stop talking. Of anyone! I became this sexless creature, no flirting, no admiring comments, no dating, nothing. Even if someone made a comment about a random person on tv... I existed in a cage, not wanting to comment on anyone's attractiveness. Simply because it felt like betrayal to talk about some part of my identity if I could not talk about all of it.

So to summarize: while it's true that some bisexuals hide under the blanket of fake straightness, and some will actually also pretend to be fully gay or lesbian...

Some of us just attempt to disappear off the map completely, and show no interest to anyone at all.

That doesn't btw necessarily have anything to do with our fantasy life - that may still be rampant. Or equally repressed in some way or another!

And we may also act differently around different people. But not necessarily. It can feel awkward or scary or "unimportant" to come out even to fellow queer friends.

The point is... There are many kinds of masks. Repression is a freaking chameleon. Everyone does it differently, even the same person can do it differently with different people, at different stages of life.

And btw, unbecoming this self-made onion of a person can be annoyingly slow and difficult. Personally I'm still not done untangling the mess I am. But maybe getting there!