#by their own experiences in ways they dont always seem to realize. and yet its often reassuring to listen to them BECAUSE of that

[sparring-spirals]

From like. a character analysis perspective. i LOVE Ashton's tendency to have some very good instincts when it comes to like human nature and fuckery that are also very clearly swayed by their own experiences and biases, because the combination of correct gut instincts with strong confidence makes it. Easy to buy in. Or easy to bristle.

Ashton tells F.C.G "This is what happens when you start externalizing every fucking problem that you have-" and, with affection towards F.C.G- well. Yeah. And then he starts breaking down the issue- how its about people with power fucking with others, how the end goal and the aim doesn't matter, their methods are clearly AWFUL and going to harm tons of people, and besides, if they had such a clear and proper image about what they're going to achieve they could just tell people. They're going to hurt people, they're killing, people, fuck that, fuck them.

"It's easy to make a nice world by killing everyone who disagrees with you. If you get down to five it'll be amazing. Fucking utopia."

Its- beautiful. And correct, in more ways than one, and probably what everyone needed to hear, and also has so much of their own experiences and resentment threaded into it, reductive to an almost dangerous point. Dangerous because he's right, in so many ways, and confident and righteous with it. Dangerous because of how the life lessons and the rage and the loss have left them with base tenets about human nature and motivations that are clear cut and resigned and simple. Because simplicity is powerful, and reassuring, and keeps them going, and is also not infallible.

I just feel like. Ashton is so, so fucking right, often and especially here, is confident in his stances and judgement in a way that has been tested by flame and resigned itself to pessimism. Ashton is so right, and the reasoning is often so sound and tempting, and there's also so much of them, their own losses and shortcomings that bleeds into their confident readings of the world and its overall nature, in ways they maybe don't even realize.

ashton is- full of solid instincts, and also flawed by having lived their life firsthand, and also confident in a way that is reassuring until you find yourself in a blindspot, up against an immovable rockface.

[rookiesbookies]

Greek God!Price x MaidenFem!Reader pt 2

Masterlist is pinned as always and please submit any requests to my inbox I dont bite

She had always been nervous around men, in her village they had always seemed rude and misogynist. Women were a commodity, their value based on purity and age. But Price was different. He treated her with respect and tenderness, making her feel safe and cherished. It was a new experience for her, and she couldn't help but feel nervous about it.

As she lay there, wide awake, she couldn't help but notice Price's movements in his sleep. He had gone from a respectful distance to spooning her side, his warm body pressed against hers. It was both comforting and unsettling at the same time.

She had agreed to spend the night in his bed, a decision that made her anxious. Changing in his master bathroom, she had put on one of his white undershirts that barely covered her upper-mid thigh. She worried about him seeing her exposed, about her own vulnerability in this unfamiliar situation.

The clock on the wall ticked away, reminding her of the late hour. She shivered, feeling the coldness of the room seep into her bones. Despite Price's warm body heat and the thick blankets, she couldn't find comfort. Her mind was preoccupied with thoughts of her nipples showing through the shirt or the possibility of her underwear being revealed.

But amidst her restlessness, she couldn't help but appreciate Price's gentle and kind nature. It was a stark contrast to her past experiences with the men who had tried to court her - often older and looking for a young housewife to act as a slave due to their wealth. She found herself slowly letting go of her fears and embracing the unfamiliar warmth that he offered.

Price stood out among the men she had encountered. He possessed a genuine gentlemanly demeanor that made her wonder if all gods were like him.

As her mind aimlessly drifted, she couldn't help but become fixated on Price's physique. Questions began to swirl in her thoughts, particularly about what lay beneath that thick sweater he now slept in. Were his muscles well-defined, sculpted from hours of hard work and dedication? Or were they hidden beneath a layer of softness, adding a touch of comfort to his appearance? The curiosity grew stronger, fueling her imagination as she envisioned the possibilities. It was a tantalizing mystery, one that she couldn't help but ponder, wondering if one day she would have the chance to uncover the truth.

As her mind wandered, it delved even deeper into his physical attributes, specifically focusing on what he possessed between his legs. Questions arose about its thickness, length, girth, and whether it was thin or substantial. She pondered whether he preferred a clean-shaven look or if his hair was coarse yet well-maintained, similar to his facial hair. Curiosity arose about the presence of freckles and whether it leaned towards one direction or the other. She wondered if it was pale or tan, what color the tip was. These thoughts consumed her mind, leaving her with a multitude of unanswered questions.

Her cheeks flushed with warmth as she realized the direction her thoughts were taking. It felt criminal. It was inappropriate to think of a man in such a way, especially someone like Price who was so sweet and such a gentleman. She began to question her own feelings towards him, fearing that she might be falling for a man who deserved a woman equally as remarkable to be his eternal partner. She pondered the qualities that would make a woman worthy of Price's affection. Would she need to possess extraordinary beauty, intelligence, or perhaps a combination of both?

The weight of her own self-doubt began to settle upon her, as she questioned whether she could ever measure up to the standards she imagined Price had. Perhaps he was waiting for some magic spark to ignite, maybe Eros to strike them with arrows to let him know it was meant to be or a letter hand-written from Aphrodite or Hera with approval. Something he seemingly so desired based on his adamant refusal of the other sacrificial women he considered for brides. He even said it himself, he wanted someone closer to his physical age to keep for an eternity as a partner, not just a wife.

Lost in her thoughts, she yearned for a sign, a glimpse into Price's true nature. She longed to know if he was as extraordinary as he appeared, or if her infatuation was merely a figment of her imagination, the facade of a god. Only time would reveal the answers she sought, and until then, she would continue to question her own worthiness of a god like Price.

He shifted again in his sleep, pulling her closer. His beard tickling against her neck, he took a deep breath. She couldn't help but think about the advice her friends had given her as a teenager. They had told her that men could determine if they wanted to marry a girl by the end of their first date. As she lay there, she wondered if the dinner they had just shared counted as a date. Did it hold any significance or was it just a casual outing with his friends? Her mind raced as she rubbed her legs together and nervously bit her lip. Being in such close proximity with a man was a new experience for her.

Suddenly, he began to stir in his sleep, a soft grunt escaping his mouth. Startled, she realized he was awake. "Why aren't you asleep?" he questioned, his voice filled with curiosity. "Humans need a good deal of sleep compared to us gods."

Her heart skipped a beat as she tried to come up with a response. "I... I couldn't sleep," she stammered, her voice barely audible. "I guess I'm just not used to... this."

He looked at her intently, his eyes filled with understanding. "It's okay," he said softly, reaching out to gently brush a strand of hair behind her ear. "We can take things slow. There's no rush."

As he held her close, she felt a warm and comforting feeling, giving her hope for a happy future. Could this amazing man be the one she would marry? And, by some lucky chance, did he really understand her deepest desires?

Finally, she drifted into a peaceful slumber, feeling a sense of tranquility and optimism. The man she had discovered, whom she might be falling in love with, had filled her heart with hope and affection. The thought of marrying him brought her immense joy and contentment. He was truly remarkable, and she could only wish that he felt the same way about her. Thankfully, it seemed like he did, and that realization filled her with even more happiness.

[adrian-sheppy]

Sorry if this is completely wrong igore if it is LMAO but I noticed you seem to have different hcs for how mind lost his eye!!! Like in Seattles Going Under it was lost in a vague fight or something, but in art w/ the resonance cascade he lost it prolly during the ambush? I was wondering if you had info to share on it/infodump abt or if its just whatever makes the art more fun!

hehe youre observant and actually right on the money. yup!  so essentially i just have different eye trauma head canons for whichever version of freemind im drawing; since he doesnt actually lose his eye in canon, its up to everyone to fil in the blanks if they wanna use the popular headcanon. i wrote .  a good chunk of stuff .  so i put it under the cut . but heres a picture to be like a . tldr

I sorta like his eye already being gone before the resonance cascade (in a non-freemanverse scenario). he does verbally say something like "my eyes" in the series, indicating he has two, BUT . well.  its a headcanon. so we can have fun with it . my eye loss pre-rescas freemind stems from my original freemind design (before i ever started posting half-life on the internet) where he had short hair, but i needed a way to distinguish him from og gordon, so I used thr popular one eye headcanon. then I realized him losing his eye bc of the military goes perfectly with martini losing an arm. that bothered me for a while until i realized i could just have multiple freemind designs + headcanons. if theres different variations of Gordon  and martini, why can't there be some of Freemind as well? grins grins

i left it open ended in my SGU because people have their own headcanons and I thought anyone could just fill in their own. if I did every make a canon eyeloss event prequel thing, he would've lost his eye during college in some sort of either freak accident (like tripping on something and injuring himself bad; I like this one because he'll lie and say he was in a fight) or, like u said, a fight . for SGU, college was a low point in his life of him struggling with freedom from his parents for the firsr time, but them and their ideals still holding him hostage. he is simultaneously more repressed and more emotionally volatile than present!gordon. then, when his parents die, hes just given a clusterfuck of emotions. so why dont we add physical trauma? whatever the sgu canon event eye loss was, it was definitely related to substance abuse issues. whether that be he was high/drunk and got into an accident, or fought someone... not sure! yet. the only thing that i can say was that no fire or chemicals were involved, since his tearduct is (unfortunately for him) wholly in tact!

but for freemanverse!freemind, he should lose his eye during the rescas since its like thematic and stuff if (almost) every Gordon Loses Something. also, angst. whenever I draw freemanverse (even in a domestic setting) in my head, i always think of them surviving the rescas together! i have. convoluted freemanverse headcanons. the eye loss is an important freemanverae event because, like martini, it gives him a valid reason to REALLY dislike benrey (but in my au, benrey isnt the big bad, so he "redeems" himself kinda sorta) . and then it ALSO opens up freemind to be upset and vulnerable, which allows him to bond with his fellow freemen.

...

also I want barmey to tend to his wounds and call his scar(s) badass. im not immune to buttermind and i never was.

honorable mention: sims freemind, who has both eyes physically but only can see from one. this is due to me unable to properly texture a glasses + eyepatch combo, that and i have no experience with 3d modelling (I did try!).

i hope this is a satisfying enough infodump!! I'm sorry if it's a bit vague; a lot of my ideas tend to be fluid. i also like taking inspiration from what other people think! some of you guys are way super smart and have awesome ideas. i am not immune to well articulated essays and thought out headcanons

[mueritos]

Goddddd I'm transmasc, but I'm terrified of actually coming out because I actually like my "female figure", if that makes sense. It seems like I was fed so much transmed and terf-y ideals when I was younger that now I can't feel okay with identifying as trans without hating my body. I want to be perceived more masculine, but I also feel like what I'm comfortable with using (pronouns, even though I use mostly neutral ones, traditionally fem or masc clothes, etc) shifts overtime, and I don't want to be defending the labels that I use all the time, especially because I don't want to do top or bottom surgery, or start T (lots of people, mostly online, have told me to just call myself genderfluid, but I don't feel comfortable with that, and I'm scared of being called a trender or something)

I'm sorry for the ramble but I'm so sick of this, maybe this is silly or maybe I'm being completely unreasonable, I don't know anymore. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about how others perceive me like that, but idk. You can ignore this, but I'd also like to hear your two cents on this if you'd be comfortable with it

hey friend :) theres absolutely nothing wrong with how youre feeling or how you want to shape your body and identity. lots of trans people don't medically transition for all sorts of reasons, whether because of lack of access or because they dont want to. while I do think the community that is entrenched in colonialist ideas of transmedicalism are a minority (many are very baby trans people or have aged out of transmedicalist ideas), it is a very real threat in the sense that unfortunate movements have a way of ebbing and flowing into popularity.

that being said, there are SO many trans people open and willing and happy to accept you into the community. it is not your fault many people will incorrectly expect you to conform to certain expectations of gender. a large part of freeing yourself from these expectations is choosing a community that walks alongside you, not one that gawks at you. at the same time, we are forced to conform in certain contexts to maintain safety and access to resources. this forceful conformation is not your fault either. people will forever make assumptions about you, but it is your choice on whether or not you will continue choosing your freedom. this is not fucking easy of course when you exist under white supremacist systems.

youre also allowed to love parts of yourself others may not like about themselves. its not ur problem they feel those feelings. ive had strange comments thrown my way when I discuss how i experience connection and pleasure with my body, sometimes from other trans people. once you start realizing people are coming at you with their own baggage, it becomes a little easier to free yourself from their burdens. again, this isnt very easy when youre marginalized and expected a lot, some of those expectations being you people please.

only you have the clearest image of who you want to be. take baby steps, build your confidence, and find your people. you'd be surprised what a small yet understanding community can do for your confidence.

anyway, i wish u luck ^-^ feel free to message me again if you'd like more thoughts or want to vent. you're allowed to be sick of this, forever and always, but invest in yourself and your communities.

[1-800-c0sm1c]

꒰crossteaming !꒱

genshin characters as your streamer bf/gf !

character x gn!reader

includes albedo, childe, kaeya, xiao, and hu tao!

warnings : none.

a/n : these ended up being longer than i expected, so im splitting up the post a bit <3 hope you enjoy :D

ALBEDO - THE MINECRAFT YOUTUBER

albedo gives me wilbur soot vibes, minus the height.

if anyone in genshin were to join a minecraft smp just to reenact hamilton and be a jason dean kinnie, itd be albedo and im absolutely right about this.

teaches klee how to play too, his most popular stream was when they beat the ender dragon together :)

he also seems like the type to strictly use minecraft education edition, which is also totally valid because some of the recipes in there are literally so cool ???

pulls a dantdm and has his own minecraft lab and everything, doing all his silly little experiments!

“surcose, we need to sell drugs out of a van RIGHT NOW.”

when chat found out you and albedo were dating, there were two reactions.

one side was really happy for you both, the other was albedos parasocial fangirls who immediately put you on a hitlist.

seriously, if you had a dollar for everytime you were @ed in tweets about writing your name in a death note, youd have enough money to pay for every single persons therapy appointments.

youre always there to cheer him on when hes in mcc, his own little personal cheerleader :)

you show up at his office and just.. stand in front of the door, staring at him through the window. it sounds weird yes, but the shocked expression on his face is worth the wait for him to notice.

CHILDE - THE GRAND THEFT AUTO ONLINE ROLEPLAYER

“no chat i have not gone red. im just startled, thats all.”

childe is the type of fella to participate in the most wacky roleplays on gta online, and i am sticking by this headcannon.

hes done everything from a drug empire to owning his own country, nothing is off limits.

surprisingly hes a really good actor? when youre watching his streams you dont get the cringey second hand embarrassment, its just fun entertainment :D

it took his chat wayyy to long to realize how fine he is, although to be fair he did have mostly men watching him. (not like thats an excuse or anything.)

i feel hes definitely been nominated for a streamy before! whether or not you think he deserves to win is up to you though LMAO

“only a small percentage of my viewers are actually subscribed-”

childe leaked your relationship by accident once by having a tab open of your instagram while he was streaming.

when chat confronted him, he kind of just… ended stream. (real smooth.)

fans went to your instagram afterwards and saw pictures of you two together and started posting them to twitter, and childe ended up on trending because of it.

you felt indifferent to the whole thing, but childe was panicking. he didnt want to let his viewers into that part of his life just yet, but he was, scientifically speaking, caught lacking.

you dont appear on streams much, and childe still avoids allegations about your relationship entirely. its not that he doesnt want to show you off, he does! he just doesnt like having less differentiation between his online persona and his private life.

“whos instagram are you stalking…? thats gonna be all from me chat goodnight!”

KAEYA - THE VALORANT STREAMER

kaeya doesnt play valorant because hes good at it, but because its fun to mess with the fanbase.

you know THOSE vtubers who are.. weirdly sexual? kaeya is like that but he does it in a satirical way. 

likes messing with the homophobes too, but everyone still debates on what his sexuality is (kind of like jschlatt.)

definitely is problematic on twitter on purpose just to get people to talk about him, hes a little bit of an attention whore but we love him anyways <3

has never apologized for anything hes said or done EVER, and doesnt plan on it either.

“what do you mean i got canceled on twitter AGAIN? its only been 3 days!”

chat didnt believe him when he said he was in a relationship. so be dragged your ass into his room to show them.

it didnt work though, they thought you were a paid actor for the next 2 months LMAO

it got to a point where kaeya was doing literally anything on stream to convince chat, and finally you had enough.

you told him to take a break from streaming, he was way too obsessed with trying to prove something that doest matter to anybody but the two of you.

something finally clicked in his head, and after that you dont appear on camera as much anymore. for the most part people believe that you two are together, but hell still get donations joking around that they dont think youre a couple, simply because its funny.

“thank you for 200 bits! ….i am retracting my thank you.”

XIAO - THE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS PLAYER

i dont have any reason for this connection, other than it feels right.

if xiao werent a league player i would suggest smite, he just seems like hed be more into team games like that rather than overwatch or valorant.

just because hes my favorite doesnt mean im letting him off easily, league players get no rights <3 and xiao is no exception.

unironically listens to k/da as well, knows all the choreography but will literally never admit to it.

everyone in his chat has channel points stacked up to tell him to hydrate, he tends to forget when he gets really into the match.

“stream more by k/da for clear skin. no i will NOT be giving you a demo, i dont want a dmca.”

youre xiaos number one bully, and chat is always there to back you up.

when i played lol i was an ahri main, so stick with me here, its about to get real self indulgent.

youre a cosplayer, and one of your favorite ways to mess with your boyfriend is to dress up as his favorite characters. (peak s/o behavior right there.)

chat teased him heavily for his reaction, you could hear my chemical romance being blasted from the bedroom that night.

something about the cosplayer x gamer trope is just sooo <3

“you have no respect for league of legends players.” (duh - an ex league player)

HU TAO - THE DEAD BY DAYLIGHT PLAYER

when hu tao first heard about dbd i imagine she thought it would be an easy way to gain new clients, now she sticks around because its fun to terrorize people as killer, and be an absolute menace as survivor.

i think shed be a nurse main, but one of those that are insanely good at playing nurse. she wins the game in no time because her teleports are perfect. 

i can only imagine how many people have rage quit because of her.

along with dead by daylight, i see her just overall being a horror game player. lots of five nights at freddys, resident evil, etc.

shes never gotten scared on camera before, chat has tried but shes always one step ahead.

“i lied, i dont actually like sex. put your clothes back on i need to explain to you the entirety of the five nights at freddys timeline.”

hu taos favorite pastime is scaring you, she stays on top of the newest horror content specifically because of that. (oh, and its also kind of her brand. but she puts you first <3)

shed sacrifice herself in a heartbeat if youre playing dead by daylight together. she always says if at least you survive its good enough of a victory for her too.

she also has gone on record to say yall are playing the security breach dlc the day it drops. run while you still have the chance.

youve tried to convince her to tweet at shayne and ryan about being on an episode of ghost files but everytime she just suggests to play phasmophobia instead. like cmon girl those are two different things.

even thought shes trying to scare you on purpose, you know shes always got your back if something happens.

“ha look at your face! …okay okay im sorry! come here, youre fine, ive got you.”

[hundrkottr]

Just some thoughts I wanted to share. 🐺

//Topic - My nonhuman childhood and how it was never caused by media//

I commonly come across people who blame the internet and media influence for therianthropy/nonhumanity. And I can definitely see how that CAN indeed happen. I mean, media REALLY influences people, especially children/minors who are in their mental development stages.

For myself though its never really been the case? I dont mean "ive always felt i wasnt human". Like.. yes but its more than that.

As a child I believed I was some kind of physical shapeshifting creature. I believed puberty would transform me into the animal i was supposed to be.

Delusional right? Well, I was a child. And I never had anybody to tell me why i felt like that. I didnt have television, the internet or media. I had no way of understanding something that was never shown or taught. Not like any adult would ever even talk about this to begin with. Not until social media evolved of course. So yea... i believed "i must be physically nonhuman in some sense? Like... a hybrid?"

I knew the things that made me nonhuman. The animalistic desires and behaviours that surpass what is normal for a human being. Even more abnormal than earlier human ancestors. I felt limbs that werent there I thought, "if amputees can feel absent limbs.. well.. maybe mine were removed? Or they have yet to grow?"

Sure autism could influence my experiences. But regardless. These arnt normal behaviours.

I did know to hide my behaviours from adults though. My lil sister was the only one to see it. Id walk on all fours, id gnaw on dog bones and tree branches, id drink from puddles, id eat grass, id bark and growl and howl. Id hunt for real animals, roll in mud and stinky substances, I played more with dogs and cats than i did people. I ate anything that seemed edible outside (dont do this kids, its dangerous pfft). I wanted my meat as close to fresh and raw as possible (no seasonings or anything). I wore bandanas around my neck, because collars were a "no-no". I wore ears, and tails made of scarves. I let my nails grow and obsessed over my canine teeth.

This could all have been explained by early imprinting on dogs. But... i never had any close connections to dogs until much later on after these behaviours were already noticeable. I only had imprinted on cats, but that behaviour was entirely different. And all were indoor cats who lazied around. Nothing like the wild canine brained creature that I believed i was.

After over a decade of nonhuman behaviours, once puberty set in, i realized I wasnt becoming an animal. And slowly that realization sunk in, and I lost a part of myself. I felt alone, lost, confused. I stopped being myself for many years. Forcing a mask. Hiding my autistic traits, and my non-human behaviours. Wearing a mask and trying to be what others considered normal.

Until, I found the therian community.

I was 16 by then. And it was through my new stepsister who shared so with me.

I can remember finally feeling like I understood a part of myself. I wasnt crazy, or psychotic. I wasnt delusional. I was what people called a therianthrope. Someone who psychologically or spiritually is an animal. Within, not physically of course. People who weren't crazy. And who had a diversity of animal identities. Dogs, cats, birds, horses, fish and deer. All kinds. And not just children either. Adults, kids and other teens like myself.

I found a place I could belong. (A bit more at least, i still have a hard time belonging here.)

Now, after years, my identity is solid. I may not use any labels, but in some shape or form, psychologically or spiritually, i am and have always been a canine and a bear. I do still hide my animalistic traits from the public and my peers/family. But i express it when i can, in my own home or the woods that we own. 🐾

// When it comes to being a walk-in spirit, thats an entirely different thing. And i didnt mention the experiences tied to that. Its not the same, despite having some influence on my nonhuman identities. //

Alright! Thats it. That was quite a handful of information. But hope it was enjoyed. If anybody read it at all.

You can share your own with me if you'd like. Either in a comment, as a share or DM. 🌱

[okkottsus]

I love reading your analysis of Nagireo!

One thing I was wondering, what do you think of Nagi (foreshadowed) future slump?

I feel like things will get dire for him, and I can't help but wonder how Reo would react.

Nagi feels very... emotionally immature and while Reo can be very fiery and we saw how emotional he can get, he's the one that feels more in touch with his own emotions and has better life experience.

For better or worse, being away from Reo forced Nagi to confront his own feelings more.

I wonder if Reo won't realize they got back together too early and leave him (this time maybe more amicably? Or maybe force himself to leave him) for his own sake.

Ego's dialog feels very ominous... they were very happy in that moment but there is a very sense of "now what?".

thank u so much, i feel like i never express myself well enough esp with characters and relationships im passionate abt so that means a lot 🥺

yeah i get what u mean about nagi's emotional immaturity...in the latest match, when isagi asked him how he was able to make his best play yet a reality, nagi  didnt really understand what had happened. he only wanted to beat isagi, that has been his first goal, the first step to achieve the bigger dream he shares with reo. 

and while he himself couldnt see that, reo was the first to notice despite everything that happened between them, so he created a chance for him to have a 1v1 with isagi. 

the problem is that, as isagi points out later, if u dont understand how u made something happen, you probably wont be able to be consistent and replicate it (this has been a recurring theme of blk since the start of the manga):

a goal that u only made happen because u had the person who knows u the best and is your closest friend give you exactly what you need in the moment, has little value in the grand scheme of things. Without a clear goal and reo’s help, nagi wouldnt have been able to do something like that. 

So the next step he should be taking is working on his weapons, instead of relying on the perfect opportunities reo can provide him with.

maybe its time for nagi to try and catch up to reo, and not only in terms of play-making 

but also in terms of self awareness 

i also love the fact that while reo can seem completely selfless when he declares this, he is also completely selfish, cause at the end of the day hes doing this for his dream, for himself. he loves playing with nagi and making him score goals, but his hard work which got him to where he is now doesnt rely on nagi being there, he hasnt abandoned himself in favor of nagi. 

BUT he still seems to always choose nagi over anyone when they are playing together and even though my shipping heart is tempted, i think thats not a good thing at all... cause their cooperation may be top class, but it also makes them predictable after a while. 

reo has learnt to play without nagi, but he needs to learn how play with nagi without forgetting everyone else on his team. 

so the way i see it, reo has made more significant progress than nagi, but he still needs to work on seeing the bigger picture when nagi is by his side.

nagi on the other hand has even more things he needs to work on. he shouldnt feel reassured bc of that one (miracle) goal or bc he managed to beat isagi once. if he ended up satisfied with just that, then he wouldnt belong in the world of professional players

Ego is right when he said that confidence and delusion are 2 different things. Nagi needs the power that will enable him to fight alone in any situation and to obtain that power, he has to confront his feelings, his weapons and his shortcomings. and that demands soul searching, practice and a lot of thinking, all things i bet nagi thinks are a pain pftt.

but i want to be optimistic and think of this as another challenge he (actually, both of them) will have to conquer. im very conflicted though, cause the way i see it, what reo needs to work on now requires them to be on the same team, while what nagi needs to work on requires alone time.

in conclusion, things may have worked out between them in terms of understanding each other, but im hoping they start understanding themselves more; acknowledging their weaknesses and taking the necessary measures to overcome them. 

i do think that reo the way he is now is more likely to realise what needs to be done than nagi, whose issues are the most urgent in my opinion. so i can def see them going their separate ways for a while again, whether its reo making that decision, or nagi, or both of them together (with the latter being the ideal for me).

[ann-i-inthestars]

Wrecker tapped the 'fresher lights on, bathing the room in light and illuminating Echo's hunched over form. He was sitting in the flat shower expanse, just to the side of the drain with his feet pressed to the wall. His arms were in his lap and his shoulders curled forward. He looked entirely miserable.

When he spoke, he sounded miserable. "The light was off for a reason."

"So you could hide."

"Not hiding."

"Watcha doing then?"

"Sulking in the dark like every good, cultured ARC trooper does from time to time."

Wrecker didn't know any other ARC troopers, but he really doubted that was a thing. Echo was hiding, and he couldn't really blame him. Joining a new unit must be terrifying. Joining a unit like their team, even more so. He knew they didn't really seem that welcoming. And that they were really bad with change. Poor Echo left a crazily traumatic experience and didn't really have a home to return to. And in his new home, he didn't even have a space of his own.

Which probably explained why he was hiding in a shower. It was quiet, and more importantly, private. Well, until Wrecker intruded on him.

Despite knowing Echo probably wanted privacy, Wrecker couldn't fathom leaving him alone. So he took the few steps into the area and as gently as he could, sat down with his back against Echo's.

"You know," he whispered softly, "they dont mean to come across as, uh, rude as they do. They forget that you don't know them like I do. That you can't tell what is serious and whats just fun."

"I know." Echo replied just as softly.

"Then why're you hidin' in the 'fresher?"

Wrecker felt him shrug. "Figured it would be better to feel alone if I were actually alone."

He frowned, pain for Echo filling his chest. "Echo, you aren't alone!"

"Feels like it. You all have your groups. Your person. I'm a piece of another puzzle trying shove its way into a complete picture."

"Thats not true." Wrecker insisted earnestly. "Not to me! I know you've lost all your people, but I want to be one of them too. I'd much rather you come to me when you feel lonely then hide in a shower."

"Really?"

The hope in Echo's voice was almost more painful than the dejection had been. Wrecker didn't hesitate to nod.

"Of course! Always! You may not have realized it yet, but I consider you one of my people. You can always come to me."

Echo was silent for a long moment before he spoke in a grateful, relieved tone, "Thank you, Wrecker."

"Anytime, Echo."

------inspired entirely by a conversation I had with @wandering-writer-ha . Hope you like the added little ficlet!------

[i-sveikata]

Hi! I got inspired to ask by some ao3 comments. Have ever tried to write Vegas POV in graveyards fic? I know it leaves us to many questions when we only know what Pete thinks, which makes readers interested. We can only imagine what Vegas means by his actions and words. As an author you always know what your characters mean or think? Or it leaves some kind of mistery to you as well?

We - VP fandom - know more or less what kind of shit Vegas has in his mind but it always makes me curious what exactly his thoughts are. For example did he had some kind of remorseful thinking when he hurt Pete? Was he hurting when he left? Was all of it a plan or just actions driven by emotions? Beside time when Pete learned to read him well enough Vegas was a mistery to him and to us as well.

Only recently Vegas seems to act more like a human being, was it Pete's doing? Is this his redemption arc(it is lol)? Vegas thought process is what amazes me. At some point his desire to possess met the realization that Pete can't be controlled, and somehow it made him more wanting(like, you ok dude?). I hope you would wrote Vegas pov but I do understand that the fic could loose some of its appeal. Like fully being in Pete's own life with its perks and flaws gives this special experience.

So maybe you would like to share some headcanons about Vegas?

Just a thought I was wondering if to ask you.

Let me now if I'm being to pushy by sending asks 🙏 Maybe you would prefer some other way or not.

Anyway, have a nice day! 😊

Hi there!!

This has actually come up a lot lol and i have answered it a couple times in the fic comments but what i will say is i've written a few scenes in Vegas' POV and at the very least have the intention of including those few scenes in the story or at most a chapter from his POV. don't really have more planned than that because i dont really want to detract from pete's POV too much if that makes sense? as most of my inspiration was seeing their dynamic from his perspective.

that's an interesting question for sure!! i would say that i do know what the characters mean or think as im writing and i try to show that in ways that the main POV might pick up on like body language or tone of voice things like that. but that doesnt always mean i know where a scene might exactly be going until the characters take me there so there is still a degree of mystery as well. it's more in the 'what will they do next?' vein rather than 'how will they react?' though.

im not sure which time you're referring to him hurting pete (which, yikes lol) but im guessing you mean when he first caught him? the way i understood it was that Vegas enjoyed every minute of it. he was angry and frustrated and wanted to lash out and hurt someone for his situation and pete just came in at the exact right/wrong time. so vegas wanted to punish him. i think he also didnt understand him just yet at that point and assumed there was a level of arrogance to pete (rather than loyalty) for him to have snuck into the minor family's house in such a brazen way. which made vegas want to take him down a few pegs and really teach a lesson and show him his place. im not sure that i consider him to be a remorseful kind of character tbh he strikes me as a kind of shark type, the whole you stop swimming you die kind of way to live so i don't think he's the type to stop and dwell on the things he does in any kind of real way. unless of course it comes back to impact him.

i think it was less about being hurt when pete escaped and more about vegas' feelings of failure and frustration which was what that scream had been about. a little raw bit of honesty that people rarely see from him. it was also an important moment of awakening for him too because i don't think vegas had truly considered the extent of what pete meant to him until he experienced the absolute gut punch of pete leaving. of being abandoned by him. there was definitely some surprise there too at the novelty of the emotions he was experiencing for the first time (which he'd previously accepted he might never ever feel about another person)

it definitely wasn't always the plan- vegas was literally making it up as he went, wrapping those actions under the guise of a game because he'd yet to understand why he was drawn to pete after everything he'd done to him. i really dont think the seriousness of it all clicked for him until pete finally escaped and he truly felt the absence of him.

vegas' behaviour changing is less about it being caused by pete than it is a reaction to pete because after the escape, vegas realised he wanted more than the control of the safe house and adjusted accordingly. it was more to do with the boundaries pete immediately started to put up after that, the things he made clear he would/wouldnt tolerate and now that vegas invested more importance to the relationship was he willing to make those changes with the goal of pete as his reward. the both of them strike me as highly adaptable and extremely resilient people, and that's basically what vegas is doing now- adapting to the new conditions that pete has set out. yes definitely pete's POV is its own appeal for sure, but i am definitely going to have vegas POV too down the line (though not quite yet)

hmm good question im drawing a blank right now except maybe i would headcanon vegas as a bit of an insomniac? purely because its too vulnerable of a position to be caught in so he prefers not to sleep that often? which makes the fact that he was sleeping so easily with pete so significant. sorry thats the only thing popping into my head atm.

oh not at all im happy to answer questions! (if this ridiculously long reply didnt already tell you that lol)

[spacedlexi]

and what the more nuanced opinions about s*yloy?

censoring the ship name 💀 ive been trying to avoid all the post-burning shores drama that seems to be happening in the horizon fandom... ive seen some Nasty stuff getting thrown around and im not just talking about the usual gamer-homophobes (those im unfortunately used to by now)

i think overall theyre cute!! their relationship in this dlc is about how aloy is Truly evolving to accept people into her life on a Deep and Personal level. and i am NOT saying that she doesnt also care deeply for her current cast of friends (i think she might even have Feelings for some of them shes not letting herself be aware of (and im talking since ZD)). but its established in forbidden west that aloy has trouble connecting to people on that deep level, and she more often slips off into the night on her own than choosing to stick by them long term. she cares for them, she'll always help them, but something seems to keep scaring her off

the end of the dlc has aloy saying the idea of a home and tribe has always scared her since she grew up so disconnected from the nora. her development throughout FW (although i had issues with the writing and pacing of it) is about her putting down those walls and Truly letting people into her life. and seyka, being so similar to herself in so many ways yet having a positive relationship with her tribe, is kind of the perfect storm for this new aloy. her feelings are new and clumsy and she stumbles over herself. she doesnt always seem as cool and collected as she usually is and it sometimes seems to even throw her off. its cute!

i dont necessarily have any problem with Them. my problems more so were related to the execution of the writing and pacing of the dlc as a whole. and those problems stem back to the writing and pacing problems ive had since forbidden west... they just kinda got caught in the crossfire a bit (as did some of the FW companions when i first played through but have since warmed up to more). i went back and rewatched my friends stream of it and i found myself less frustrated than i was when we first went through it, but there were still a few moments here and there (between them and in the overarching plot in general) that just made me go 🤨 the execution was messy or weak or strange at times but again thats not just a dlc problem for me. i can at least appreciate the intention of what they were Trying to do with aloy and seyka. and as a plus they hit a number of tropes i really like

i think what bothered me more was the way guerrilla marketed her? its weird because they boasted about how "special and unique" she was when i feel she shares a lot of qualities that aloys other companions also have (down to c-cast characters like ikrie and nakoa). like.. i LIKE all of these characters for these similar qualities! it was just weirdly disrespectful to their own cast? i dont think that was their intention but it was... interesting

especially since i believe this experience with seyka is Massively important for aloy moving forward in regards to her relationships. aloy at the end of the dlc after her time with seyka is Completely Ready to accept what her idea of "home" is, and she realizes thats the connections shes made with the people around her. i really hope seyka gets to escape the dlc and join up with the cast in Horizon 3 (i was already disappointed when ikrie didnt make a reappearance). but since the dlc ended in flashpoints where you could accept or reject her, i Definitely believe this implementation will return in Horizon 3 with our cast of companions (not every aloy chose to kiss seyka so some aloys are returning to base single (but seemingly ready to mingle)). in the past when these flashpoints have come up (like with avad in both ZD and FW) aloy always seems resistant in some way even if you Do choose the heart option. but seyka is evidence that aloy really IS ready for that level of commitment post-BS. and since these are still choices tied to flashpoints, your aloy can do whatever she wants! the point is that regardless of any romance, shes ready to accept her friends as her Tribe

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi, thanks for answering, i appreciate it. also that you didn’t just call me toxic or some shit and tell me to fuck off. i’ve actually never thought of joining a discord server but it’s a good idea, thank you, i think i could try that. i guess on another account though to prevent anyone from accidentally finding out bc you know for yourself how it is. i’ll look up if i can find some kind of dbt workbooks online as well.

the journaling idea is good as well, i’ve actually been trying for a while but i end up rarely using it as a past experience left me with kinda bad trust issues about writing / drawing things down where someone could see them. but i guess i could try hiding it better this time or something. it’s just this thing that also sometimes venting like that actually ends up making me even more frustrated, as i realize i’ve already written about this exact thing countless times before yet still nothing has changed.

i’m trying not to make a too harsh judgement of my therapist yet, considering i haven’t been seeing her for that long, but… yeah. when i said that i’ve been going to therapy for years i meant going to a lot of different ones in this time. no one ever gets me. their advice is always so fucking useless. honestly at least this current one actually listens and doesnt make me feel uncomfortable or like i’m being judged. i think she’s the one i’ve been the most honest with because of that (and also because i just started telling her everything from the first session on already bc i’m tired of everyone always turning out to be nothing but a waste of time and money and effort), i generally lie to therapists esp my psychiatrist so i can get the meds i want (or else im 100% she’d just put me on some shit like antipsychotics, which ive been on in the past and i’d honestly rather kill myself than take them again, idk if you’ve tried them before but i basically felt r*tarded [idk how some ppl are sensitive of slur use like i personally dont care but i dont want your blog banned or smth] and tired all the time and it “”””helped”””” in the way that it made me too slow to be able to think about my problems. thanks psychiatry. not a traumatizing experience at all). i mentioned that i suspect i could have a personality disorder to her once or twice and she seemed to agree that it could be a possibility, but obviously no one can diagnose that fast. but i guess i’ll see. i really just want to know whats wrong with me, why do i think the way i do, why i can’t just be more fucking normal no matter how hard i try. but getting an actual diagnosis of a PD esp if it turned out to be this one would just mean i’d get treated even worse by every single doctor, not even necessarily a mental health one, bc physical doctors see all your records as well,, i’ve already been told my legitimate physical issues are just bc im depressed, or even if they dont straight up tell me they definitely treat me less seriously and i just know its bc i have mental illnesses diagnoses & im female.

i just … ugh. i feel so sick of it all and misunderstood. i know i can get genuinely abusive in arguments when someone upsets me but i really dont know how to stop or control myself. i hate that people act as if it’s all my fault. like everything i’ve gone through doesn’t even matter and i’m just an inherently evil person. like i didn’t have some kind of a terribly traumatic childhood, but i’ve always been either bullied or excluded by almost everyone i’ve ever met and all the social isolation honestly really fucked me up. i think that’s why i developed such a strong individuality complex as i’ve never been able to think all of it must be simply because i’m worthless. like fuck no, 99% of the people are dumb and shallow and ignorant towards reality of the world and i’m supposed to feel like i’m somehow worse than them? at least i have self awareness and my own thoughts. i mean i do think we’re all worthless because nothing in life has any value, so why should humanity be the exception? that still doesn’t stop me from hating everyone though. i may be a hypocrite but so is everyone else; and at least i don’t pretend to be a gOoD pErSoN. lacking empathy and not having morals doesn’t make me any less deserving of help even though i know how many people unironically believe people like me should just be shot. fucking brainless hypocrites, all of them.

but anyway yeah my point here is, fuck people who think anyone chooses to be this way. all of this has done nothing good for me other than made my life much harder. and not to mention unable to ever get genuinely close to anyone because what is the worth in a relationship if i can’t even bring myself to care about anyone? i don’t think “empaths” even realize how alienating it actually is. which is once again so ironic because THEY should be the ones to try to understand it, but no, they just generalize everyone and share the nonsense propaganda that we’re incapable of change.

so yeah, this turned into another vent but i really lack any people in my life who i could be honest with. i feel so lonely all the time. it’s not even really missing a friend group or romance or physical touch, it’s more of this feeling of feeling completely alone and that no one (other than a few people whose writings and actions i admire but they’re all dead) would ever be able to truly understand me. so yeah as cheesy as it is, sometimes it’s nice to be reminded i’m not alone by someone other than a generic social media post made by someone who’d 100% hate me if i told them even half this shit. can i maybe dm you sometime btw? i felt like staying anon while writing this bc i tend to get anxious with ppl at first but idk, maybe, if youre comfortable with that ofc

btw if its alright to ask can i ask how did you get diagnosed? what was the process like and how long did it take? did they suspect anything else at first? do you feel treated by ppl any differently now tjat you have a diagnosis of such a stigmatized disorder? (^ i mean these previous questions if youre diagnosed by a psych, if not its perfectly valid as well ofc) whats personally helping u to cope?

Good luck! I’m glad I could offer some help/reassurance. Maybe instead of a physical journal you could use a private blog or even just a notes app on your phone/computer if that sounds safer?

I do hope things improve with your new therapist and that things work out, it’s good that she at least agrees you might have a PD. Normally I’d recommend a therapist who specializes in PDs, maybe even especially NPD, but idk if that’s accessible for you and/or if you’ve already tried it and had no luck.

But again, I want to reiterate that you’re not alone, and what you’re going through and what you feel is 100% relatable to other pwNPD. I truly wish that more people understood us and the irony isn’t lost on me that it’s always “empaths” who are the ones who have the LEAST empathy for us. And I feel like the societal lack of understanding contributes to the more “ugly” or “stigmatized” traits of our disorder even more, tbh. Anyway, my point is that I definitely don’t mind at all if you vent, so please do feel free to DM me if you want to or feel more comfortable that way!

As for my diagnosis, it’s a bit messy — for context im a recent graduate from college and the bulk of my therapy came from campus services, where it was acknowledged I very likely had a PD especially within cluster B but I never got an official diagnosis while I was seeing the school-based therapist, and at the moment I’m trying to find a new therapist who can help me. At first we thought I just had a really intense form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to ADHD, then realized it was likely something else. So I’m a weird mix of “self diagnosed, but likely wouldn’t have admitted it to myself or realized it if a professional hadn’t pointed me in that direction.” Until I can find a professional im honestly just doing the best I can to help myself. Sometimes I get tempted to turn to substances to cope bc they make me softer and more open, and if you feel the same way I highly recommend avoiding this, ofc. I mostly use relatable music (lmk if you want my NPD playlist!) and DBT workbooks as a way to help myself, and I also just try my hardest to avoid or remove myself from situations where I might lose my cool and become toxic. Obviously this is easier said than done, but there are ways to do it. For instance, if I’m in a group chat where I feel like people are getting more attention than me, I’ll mute the group chat and maybe text someone from a different group one-on-one (not necessarily about my issues, just in general).I know that answer is pretty mild and entirely social media based lol, but it’s the best example I can provide.

[drukhari]

hey tristan,

not too get too deep on your tumblr but... idk been feeling weird lately. i've been kinda taking this little break from everything, and i'm back home (altho it's not always chill time with family and all) but idk... i know there's no rush to figure out what you wanna do in life and all, and that it doesn't even have to be this one thing, it can be multiple things too and there's also no need for a ''one purpose'' kind of thing, that you can literally just be and that's it but its just... idk it's been about a year since i've been back home and i know i wanna move abroad but i dont really know what to do, like at all. Like i'm not spiralling or anything but it's just a feeling that's been at the back of my mind for a while now and it's still there, and idk i had kinda hoped that taking a break from everything would help get that energy and ''passion'' (for lack of better word) back, but not really. Mental health wise, it's been a great time to sit back but life wise, next steps-wise and all that, i feel like i'm still in the same place and still don't know what i should do next. i go on linkedin and i start looking at jobs and i have no idea what im looking for

anyways, what do you do when you feel like this? lowkey wanna do buzzfeed test that will tell me what i should next based on my favourite ways to eat pasta or something

That one's tough anon, not gonna lie. I used to feel that way a lot when I was in college and it used to keep me up at night sometimes because it seemed like everyone else had found that "thing" that they wanted for their lives and they at least had somewhat of an idea how to start proceeding in that direction, but in my case it felt like I had too many things I'd be just "fine" doing and nothing that I was really pulled towards. I was changing majors all the time and generally just felt like I was untethered from anything concrete in terms of planning a future.

And like you mentioned, you can absolutely know that some people dont have just 1 thing they do over the course of their life and that its completely ok not to know what you want...but knowing those things and really being able to internalize and feel them for yourself is a whole other ball game.

The feeling ultimately ended up going away on its own eventually, after a lot of time spent just burying myself in my hobbies, my connections with other people around me, the parts of my jobs that I didn't hate and just generally learning to appreciate the experience of living a life that didn't revolve around finding and advancing in a career.

Not that there's anything wrong with wanting to advance in a job that you enjoy, sometimes advancement at a job isn't about the material/ego based aspects of climbing the ladder so much as it's about getting to work on cooler stuff (which is the case in my job).

It was like I was too busy doing other things to realize that I couldn't pin down a 5 year plan for the life of me if asked, until one day I woke up and realized I still didn't have a 5 year plan beyond "keep learning and doing more things that interest me, keep enjoying the life I live as much as I can, and fuck anyone who says I should feel bad for not having more than that figured out".

You mentioned you took some time away just to sort of re-center yourself and that's great tbh. It may not feel like it yet but that time away may have some hidden lessons to it that you're not even aware of yet that will help lead you to the next step, or maybe it'll hit you out of nowhere like some kind of Jimmy Neutron Brain Blast-esque moment, but focusing on just enjoying each day, chasing your interests wherever they lead you (within reason, ofc) and being on the lookout for new experiences to try are all things that eventually helped me to get to that point, so maybe they'll be of some help to you along the way too.

[finagled]

absent but busy

life never seems to slow down to let me catch my breath, so ive been busy trying to keep things going!

this has been a hellish year but also a spectacular one in so many ways. my dad’s death has shattered me tbh, im just not the same person i was before he left and life will never ever be the same with him gone. as somebody who already struggles with identity issues, i had a real hard time knowing how in the world i was supposed to keep going without his input and support. he always saw right through me and could point out things about me i wasnt even aware of yet, but he was always spot on, too. bouncing my ideas off of him is how i learned to human. im coming to realize i loved to succeed and experience so i could tell him and listen to how he loved to hear about it. with him gone, ive felt a sense of emptiness with everything.

im trying to hold on to what he’s taught me. he gave me so many lessons on how to be a person, a good person. he played devils advocate so id learn how to fight for what i knew to be true, and to reevaluate my stance if i couldn’t. he taught me how to treat other people, how every stranger deserves kindness. he taught me that you can be wrong, and that sometimes being wrong is a beautiful thing, because then you learn what’s right. he taught me nothing is worth sacrificing your morals.

the answer to where to find this person now is that now, i have to be this person. the only way for those things about him to live on is if i perpetuate them in my own life. im trying so hard to do this. its not going easy. im told over and over again that im smart, that i work hard, that im good with people, and yet my success has not materialized no matter what i’ve done to secure it. i think, if i just had mental health care and meds, if i could just see a doctor, then id be so great. but i can’t think like that. whether that’s true or not and that’s the only thing in the way between me and living like i feel like im meant to, it doesn’t matter. trying to get government assistance, at least in this state, feels impossible. i dont have the energy to keep hoping they’re going to help. im frustrated to come to the conclusion that i am going to have to metaphorically “pick myself up by the bootstraps” and find a way to push forward in the meantime.

i know im intelligent and have skills that can genuinely and directly help people, because ive done it before. its taken a really long time to have confidence in myself about anything. but i need to start, and then do something with it, because im wasting time waiting for help to arrive.

this is a big ol ramble but it feels good to have the energy to write stuff up. vari and i have been working real hard this past year trying to get the house and our lives set up in a way that will set us both up for success. we’re slowly getting a handle on chores and bills, and our mental health is improving. im slowly pulling all the tangled yarn apart in my brain and getting things sorted.

they took me off adderall and onto strattera, which i actually dont mind. ive heard the medication can precipitate manic episodes in bipolar individuals though, so i wonder if i like it because of that. im depressed so often and its been so long since hypomania, that i really done mind when i wake up with the excess energy and vigor. it doesnt feel extreme like hypomania, more like just having gusto for the day. ill have to keep an eye on it more since its only been about three weeks, but im grateful i havent lost much progress from getting off adderall. the side effects aren’t nearly as powerful either, which is nice.

so im trying. i have too many people i should be getting back to with messages so if youre one of them, im sorry. theres a million things going on and only so much energy each day, but ive drawn up some routines that i hope will encourage me to do more stuff throughout the day other than just chores and sims ;)

thanks to anyone for reading :3

[soonasiknewyou]

I think, in addition to my reasonable and also widely unappreciated distrust of authoritary figures, religion has never resonated with me because everyone else seems to view it as a savior or guideline. To me, and this i only realized quite frequently, God had always been like more of a begrudging uncle you see once year, but that lets you borrow his old acoustic guitar, than any kind of caregiver. I realize this description seems unnecessarily specific, which it also coincidentally is. But yes, i have never felt particularly fond or even trusting towards God, and so whenever i entered church, i would just pray (read:beg), to keep borrowing the guitar, to keep the keys to life in my back pocket and just beg for him not to change the locks quite yet. While others prayed for, well, whatever it is good and proper pious Christians pray for, i would usually sit in the pews with my back straightened like an obedient child, eyes wide open and hands clasped in my lap and ask, «I get to do this again? Are you sure? Are you sure?» like i was asking for permission. Clearly, my relationship with religion and thereby life had been much like my relationship with everything else: polluted by an immediate and certain anxiety that it would very soon realize that i am an impostor and thereby move on to greener, pastures- and as a consequenceof this, i would always ache with a constant need of reassurance that, in most cases, i would never receive. If i ever did, the satisfaction would be short lasting, as i was convinced that whatever had praised me had only done so to shut me up (quite understandably). This was, and is, a terrbly tiring way to experience life, but in any case has also taught me that people really do not like caring about other people very much at all. In fact, my current hypothesis is that most of the general population tredges through life trying to avoid caring about other people, consciously or not. People want to love and be loved, sure, but perhaps more as an adjective than a verb. The act of genuinely caring about another person is both exhausting and also offers absolutely no reward- in fact, it is usually the cause of immense regret, mortification and, inevitably, immense loss. The human brain, quite understandably is not exhilirated at the thought, but alas, it is unavoidable. I do not believe for a second that there is or has ever been a person who had not cared about another person. Whether we like it or not, humans care about other humans. Most humans would rather not. Some humans (and i unfortunately fall into this category) care so much about everything, you come full circle and end up hating and loving everything in equal measure, with the scales tipping now and then. This all sounds either obvious or horrifyingly nihilistic, depending on whoevers reacting, and whether or not they are 1) suicidal, 2) hungry and/or underslept or 3) the kind of person that owns a little white dog and goes jogging at five in the morning, oftentimes with the little white dog in tow. But i dont think our avoidance towards attachments towards others is necessarily a bad thing. I just think everyone knows that forming those attachments and connections is dangerous business, but that it is also completely inevitable throughout life, and that the sooner you realize you dont actually want to be, nor have the ability to move to the forest and never speak to another soul again, the sooner you can get on with the rest of life and its freights and grooves.

[6lost6but6trying]

December 25. 2023

Dear Tiara,

Its been a while since iv done these but im going to try to write like my sappy old self used to….

I know i told you that i missed you

I miss you in the most innocent way possible

Yes we may be perverts and had a big of a “intense” physical attraction….remember “ SELF CONTROL” x3

But besides that…

I miss you when i dont see you

I miss you when i dont hear you

I miss your gentle touch when you held me, played with my hand and my hair…

It made me feel safe

The way i said my mind goes blank when im not stressing and feel safe, is how i have felt when iv been with you

All eyes on you

Youve gotten my full focus

Even when i talk to you on apex, my mind is with you and my heart is happy

This is probably why shes saying my heart isnt with her 100%

Im sorry this year was a total mess with this

I wish i could change it but at the same time i dont because it wouldnt have helped us realize stuff we know now

No matter if we have kissed and stuff like that…

I know youre flip flopping on if you should give me another chance as a friend….

Just know working on that friendship again im all in for

After you telling me about attachment styles…

It made me visualize how you and i can work on our own attachments even if we are not together…

And still be in contact..

Please again dont think i never cared about our friendship….

I really did i was just in a mess and didnt know what to do

I used to be so much better at relationships back then

Then i fell in a deep black hell hole and didnt know what to do anymore

Marco knows im not the happiest without you…

But he just goes with the flow of how i go…

He and Natalie are on your side now

They thought i was in the best relationship and now they changed their minds…

Im starting to as well…

I feel like i stay because of the good days…theres been more good days than bad but when bad comes around…its BAD bad…

We never attack the problem,

We attacked eachother…

I may have made a mistake but not really because its helping me realize things…

I just know i miss you

I miss your hugs

I miss your high fives

I miss you calling me “little shit”

And mind you when you say that… my little inner self gets all giggly and happy each time, i have no idea why but he does🙈

I miss when you challenge me to figure things out with puzzles

I miss you always talking shit about how you beat me on mortal kombat

I miss you beating me on beatsaber and calling me trash even tho you dont mean it in a bad way

The way you say it, your movement and such, nobody else says it like you and it just makes me smile and i dont even get mad…

I miss you making us dinner

I miss eating and talking with you

I miss our therapy session at home and apex even tho we didnt have to have them but we do and it helps me get to know you and the way u think better…

I miss your laughter

I miss your face

I miss our interactions in general

Im so sorry we got us into this mess

But i sure miss you alot….

A part of me still wishes we couldve worked out

A part of me when marco said to do it with you and i said no…i actually wouldnt have minded helping you experience it but a part of me wants to be more than just a toy for you to try stuff on…

But a major part of me still wants to work it out with you as a friend way more than anything and if things form and we grow wiser and more aware of things we want and being with eachother is still a want… then my heart will be yours… i believe deep down i never given Someone my heart yet…more like i did at some point but she showed a true color and i took it back…. My puppy self is still looking back at you from outside that glass window you have provided

I just realized

When things were happening with us 3, she had a door open so easily for me while you just had a window open and a door locked…

A part of me just wants to put a ladder on that window, climb up and go in and feel the safety feeling and knock the ladder down so theres no going back. The wide open door she gave me seemed too easy and not secured….

Im sorry for everything & i offer you my friendship and whatever else….

I do care about you alot…

Again im so sorry 😞

Will you forgive me?

Hug for yes

No hug for no

The choice is yours my tiara 💕 👑

~Love: Your old work husband 💍

[melancholybliss92]

Tips For Success

It's been awhile since I have posted. I know there are some that actually found my blog because I see likes and reblogs. I don't have time to mess around with youtube editing. I been wanting to start a mental health youtube channel but I never got around to do it. I am super busy and I am not even married with NO kids haha.

I just want to say for those who are feeling alone, or they are with toxic people, whoever those toxic people are. Try your best to get all the help you need, and get the FUCK OUT of the situation and away from the toxic people in your life. I learned things the hard way and when I finally got away from all the toxic people in my life, I was already pushing my mid twenties . I am 31 yrs old and I still look super young and I sound young lol. This makes me a target everywhere I go. I developed a thick wall and I don't trust anybody really.

Remember, It is better to be Alone than to be with the wrong, jealous people who only want you close so they can destroy you. Pay attention to how people around you respond when you start to do well for yourself . When you start to do well , are the people around you happy, congratulating you and asking you to go out to eat or do anything because they see you winning? If they see you winning and they continue to make snide, sneaky jealous comments, they question you even further about your life and how you do things, and they don't seem happy for you... They give off weird bipolar vibes and they continue to pry into your business. Its time for you to block, delete, cut off contact, whatever you do, its time to burn bridges. The reason why I used the term "people around you" because there is alot in your social circle right. Friends, family, partner etc.

Let me tell you something. Writing my past and current situation would be like writing a script for a 3 hour movie. I am not going to bother but I have alot of experience dealing with fake, jealous, toxic, stalkerish people. I use to be scared of living alone and being alone. But meeting all this weird trash made me realize, ITS BETTER TO live alone, be alone, the right people will gravitate towards you over time. When you are alone and live alone. No one is jealous of you, no one is poking in your business, making sneaky jealous comments about you and what you are doing with your life. You work, you leave your job, you go find another job, you go back to school, whatever. You come home to peace and quiet and all of your things is there. If you dont have alot of things, trust me , over time you will buy things for your place. It takes time, dont worry about being broke or not having anything yet. The luxury is that no one is plotting against you when you live alone. I dont like living with room mates either because I like to have my own space and walk around naked, eat whenever I want. Like seriously, when you live alone, You run your life, you plan your meals, you learn how to be independent , you do whatever you want and you find yourself. Only then when you see what life is like without toxic people, you will find true happiness. Just be careful and watch your back when you live alone.

From what I have seen, jealous people who are failures are miserable and sneaky stalkers. They can't do anything by themselves and they are fake. It could be alot of reasons on how they are fake. They got a job because they knew someone and they never worked hard for what they want and they never worked hard to go look for a job by themselves. Maybe they dont have their own place they gotta Hoe around and be in fake relationships to move into someone else's house. Maybe they never worked hard a day in their life to get what they want, they always use other people to buy them shit or they was raised to be a loser and wait for family to provide them . They cant fend for themselves. They see you are something they are not so they will focus all their energy on you. I had this happen to me more than once I know what I am talking about.

They play like they are on your side at the beginning. They act super nice to you and understanding. Slowly over time, you will see that They can't mind they business . slowly over time, TRUST ME, you will sit there one day and ask yourself, "what is wrong with me, why is this person saying this and that about me, am I wrong or are they wrong. Am I crazy or its them thats crazy. why did I let them make all this comments about me and I didnt say anything back".

When you reach that stage where you are asking yourself this, you are dealing with a lowlife psychopath lmao. They are reversing their failures onto you. They are Projecting their personality onto you and they will try to disrespect you, then copy your personality and stalk every move you make. The outcome is that they want to start shit with you and fight you to slow you down on your success. Thats why its better to cut off contact and its not worth it.

There is actually a lot of discussion I found on Quora.com that was talking about jealous crazy people. Some girl responded to this person, she said why would you want to fight with someone who can't mind their own business. They have been waiting for the day to drag you down and by arguing and fighting them, you are giving them what they want.

Its almost like a ghost, a leech or a parasite all in one. They want you tied to them so they repeat the cycle of drama, jealous comments, drama and plotting, scheming, more drama. When you cut off all contact, you win the game and break the cycle. when you respond and choose to fight them , you are rebonding trash to yourself like a ghost following you around haunting you repeating the cycle. I had enough of this type of lowlife trash. They will fuck their own selves over anyways, dont bother and learn to be independent.

That's why I only hang with 2-3 people at a time to see who they are . I never involve myself in a large circle of friends and I dont give a fuck about how many friends and family I have left. I mind my business and focus on money, working, and real estate.