#called my mom after near tears because wtf was that?

[cinewhore]

spoke to a lady that was so mean to me about subleasing my apartment like yes i love being berated at 9am

[eunoiaflow3r]

i hate u, i love u // spencer reid x fem!reader

spencer reid x reader

aaron hotchner x reader

part one - part two

a/n: did i damn near put this entire song in this fic? yes, yes i did i’m so sorry....highly unedited.

how was your guys’ holiday?

warning(s): language. angst. fluff....

word count: 2.6k

request(ed): yes.

summary: old things try to get fixed, while new feelings and places...arise and get mixed.

(wtf am i dr. seuss now??)

——————————————&———————————

feeling used, but i’m still missing you. and i can’t see the end of this, just wanna feel your kiss, against my lips

and now all this time, is passing by.... but i can’t seem to tell you why. it hurts me every time i see you realize how much i need you...

Seeing Spencer and actually letting all of that out did a number on you. You apologized to Aaron countless times and he said it was okay countless times but you still felt so bad. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve your drama, and not to mention how embarrassing it’s been. You felt like you ruined his whole night. It was supposed to be fun and yet you didn’t have any. He said he did but you know Hotch didn’t.

You’d have to make it up to him somehow soon but you didn’t know how. How are you supposed to fix this? Any of this??

It feels like you’re being sucked into the eye of a tornado little by little and you just can’t get out. It feels like everyone else is safe on the ground feet planted and they’re all just staring at you and laughing. Staring and not helping.

Your chest hurt. You hated feeling like this. So helpless...and stuck. You were stuck and not ready to fix it...well...part of it. You could still fix one thing. You didn’t have to be stuck here. Here in this small apartment with no room for anything let alone breathe. You needed space. You needed change. You needed control. Everything is spinning in circles and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t stop it.

So why not do something that could help you? That you’ve been meaning to do but never had the time for?

Apartment searching. Well...bigger apartment searching.

Where you were staying now was a studio apartment. You loved the open concept except for how small it was. You just need room.

Before...

“I like it here. It’s so small and cute.”

You could tell cute was a foreign word to Spencer when it came to describing a building. But he was trying. You thought he was cute.

“Thanks Spencer but I’m thinking something different. Maybe another bedroom for a roommate...or just a bigger one for y’know...another person.”

You never really brought up the idea of moving in together before. Sure, it’d be easier...his job was nearby, and there was a bus stop at the end of the street, and there was you....so his reaction kind of put you...off.

“Roommate sounds good. One of your friends maybe? Although I wouldn’t want her to y’know...interrupt us.” He had that cute seductive tone to his voice but he wasn’t sounding very cute and seductive.

You weren’t going to argue. “Yeah...a roommate. Who do you think I should ask?” you paused. “Sara or Malia?”

Spencer was quiet for a moment, like he was thinking. “Malia maybe?”

You didn’t have a friend named Malia.

And that’s what hurt the most you think. The fact that you still thought about him 24/7 even though what you had with him wasn’t perfect. You thought it was before..you thought he was before..but now you’re realizing nothing about it was perfect but at least it was something. Now you have nothing.

It was only the afternoon so you decided to look for some places. You found 3 places suitable for what you were looking for. All 3 were good sizes, good prices, and a good amount away from your job and college. You felt almost lucky. This felt almost too easy.

Until you saw the first two places in person. They were okay, but not really what you were looking for.

The last place though...the place was great, the location was great, the neighborhood was great, hell even the yard. Hell, you’d have no use for it, you didn’t have a kid but it was still a nice looking yard. You could tell that someone in the apartment, hopefully your new neighbor, took great care of the gardens.

You looked around at the surrounding mix of apartments and houses (mostly houses) and saw 2 little kids playing in the house 2 houses over. One of them looked like Jack. It couldn’t be, right? Hotch’s house wasn’t over here.

Nevertheless you watched for a few seconds and it was Jack. You decided to go over and say hi.

Jack stopped playing and immediately ran towards you.

“Y/N!!” He grinned. You got down to his level and hugged him back just as enthusiastically.

“Hey Jackie! Whatcha doin?” He only let you call him that. Only you.

“Sleepover. This is Sam. It’s almost time for Ana to drop me off at home though.”

You said hi to Sam and asked if Ana was his mom. She was and as soon as you told Sam your name, Ana came out of the house and waved you over.

“Hey, I’m Y/N. Friend of Jack’s and Hotch.”

She smiled. And shook your hand.

“I’m Ana. I’ve heard about you! Jack talks about you quite a lot.”

You and Ana talked for a while. She seemed like a really amazing person. If you end up getting the place you could see you and her becoming great friends, and since she seemed really busy you offered to take Jack home. She protested but you insisted. It wasn’t like you were doing much anyway. The landlord had already left and you were just going to go home anyway.

On the way to Hotch’s you bought Jack his favorite ice cream. You couldn’t help it.

The whole car ride Jack’s conversation thankfully distracted you but when you got to his house you couldn’t help but remember that night and how embarrassed you felt.

Seeing Hotch only made it worse. Especially since he wasn’t wearing his work clothes- just a shirt and sweatpants, and you couldn’t help but look because he looked incredibly.....good. He looked so great and you were so mad at yourself for how that night ended with him. You were supposed to be having fun and neither of you did.

He hugged you when you got to the door anyway. You explained to him what happened- even the apartment searching while he invited you in for coffee.

A whole year with Spence and he never invited you in. Ever.

Do you miss me like I miss you? Fucked around and got attached to you Friends can break your heart too And I’m always tired but never of you

If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit I type a text but then I never mind that shit I got these feelings but you never mind that shit

“Mom, please, I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.”

Your mom gave you a look over her mug that said, ‘Do I look like I’m dumb?’ And she wasn’t. Perhaps you weren’t any good at hiding your feelings. Could everyone tell?

You were doing better now.

It’s been a month? Maybe two.

Either way it’s been a while and you weren’t as hurt as you were before. Some nights you woke up heart aching, tears falling, but you aren’t as bad as you were those first few weeks.

Truth is, you missed Spencer. You spent those weeks blaming yourself and wondering why you why you?

But you accepted that you weren’t ready for that answer. A part of you had forgiven Spencer. A part.

You were still heartbroken. You were still angry and hurt. But you’ve been trying to move on. In fact, you’d be moving entirely. Yesterday you finished all the paperwork with your new landlord. You were going to finish packing after visiting your mom.

“Momma I’m fine there’s just a lot going on right now.”

She wouldn’t accept that answer. She persisted you told her what was wrong. So you did. You told her about Spencer...and about Hotch...

Aaron.

You had been spending some weekends with him. Some were alone, just the two of you, and other times it was the three of you. Him, Jack, and you. Whenever you thought about Hotch you had the feeling in your stomach you got whenever you heard from Spencer.

But you still have that feeling for Spencer.

Things were so confusing right now - you weren’t sure if you wanted to move on from Spencer. You didn’t want to rush in with Aaron either though. That’d hurt the both of you.

Last weekend...

“Y/N you cannot tell me you think New Girl is better than Friends.”

Aaron was in a gray shirt and sweatpants while you were in relatively the same. You both sat together on his couch each a cup of coffee in your hands. You had promised you’d help him shop with Jack for new clothes and you had just agreed to stay the night since it had gotten so late.

“Oh a hundred percent. New Girl is way better.”

Hotch laughed.

“Friends is a classic. There wouldn’t be a New Girl without Friends.”

“There wouldn’t be a Friends without Living Single Aaron.”

He rolled his eyes but conceded. “True but still. Friends is better.”

You hadn’t been that happy in a while. You were breathing...you were living. Out in the open. Unbidden.

You ever wonder what we could have been? You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix Now all my drinks and all my feelings are fucking mixed

Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings

There was a bottle of liquor in your hand

You would have gone to the bar but you were too sad for it. You didn’t have the will.

Earlier today you decided that you should get a muffin from the coffee shop and see how Em was doing. Right when you got to the door, who was in the window caught your eye.

Spencer.

Spencer and JJ.

Laughing, and eating, and kissing...

In the open. Out in public.

Were you just not good enough? Was that it? Could you not understand him because you didn’t work in the BAU? Was what you had all one sided?

Unanswered questions and half a bottle later you were passed out on your couch crying.

You thought you were over it for sure this time. But it still fucking hurts. Is keeping your heart open waiting for him even worth it?

The next morning you took a hot shower. The hottest shower you could handle. You were hungover, and you felt like shit but you still had to pack the rest of your things to move. You still had to move.

Your speakers were on the highest level and your music was so loud you didn’t hear the door knock. You only screamed when you felt someone behind you.

It was Aaron.

“Jesus christ!!” You went to turn down the music.

“You could have killed me!”

“Yes I very well could have!” His arms were crossed. He was upset but still in a playful mood. You could tell. “I could have been a serial killer, you have to lock your doors!”

You rolled your eyes. “Okay, okay, I’ll lock my doors next time.”

He nodded approval as you went to the refrigerator to get him a bottle of water.

“What’s going on?”

“Oh I didn’t tell you?” How had that slipped your mind?

He shook his head.

“I’m moving.”

“You’re moving?” He looked disappointed.

“Yeah not far. A few houses down from Ana actually.”

“Oh good.” He said relieved.”

After that, he decided he wanted to help you. It was nice not being alone even though you told him he didn’t have to stay. He wanted to.

He even helped you transfer the boxes to your new apartment. You didn’t know Aaron had a voice on him...but he did.

“We built this city!” he sang/shouted.

“We built this city on rock and -“

“We built this city!” he answered.

“We built this city on rock and -“

“Rollllllllll” you sang together.

You giggled when the song was over and he grabbed your hand for the rest of the drive. You didn’t pull away. It felt too nice. It felt too right.

After helping you put your boxes into your next place it was time for him to head home. He told you that he could stay and help some more if you wanted but you could tell he was tired. You were tired. You told him you’d call if you needed any more help.

He made you promise you would because he knows you won’t if you feel like you absolutely can do it yourself even when you shouldn’t.

You promised.

On his way out there was a moment where you could have kissed him. Where you were saying goodbye and you were in the doorway and you were close enough to...but you didn’t. You weren’t ready. He knew you weren’t ready. He knew.

The feelings you have for Hotch keep growing but the feelings you have for Spencer stay the same. Spencer used to be your everything. But you weren’t his. You needed someone who would put you first. Well...close to first. Jack should always come first. Always.

You need to come first when it comes to women. Spencer didn’t put you first. Would he ever?

All alone I watch you watch her Like she’s the only girl you’ve ever seen You don’t care you never did You don’t give a damn about me

Yeah, all alone I watch you watch her She is the only thing you ever see How is it you never notice That you are slowly killing me?

Your phones ringtone was blaring and when you opened your tired eyes to read the time on your bedside table it read ‘3 AM.’ Who would call this late? Or...early? Either way you didn’t check the screen and just decided to click green and put the phone to your ear.

“Hello?” Your voice was groggy and you were a little annoyed to be woken up so early. It’s rude to do that to someone. Especially someone who only went to bed three hours ago.

“Y/N.” It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t in command. It was a sigh of relief followed by sniffles and a hiccup. It was Spencer.

“I didn’t think you’d pick up.” he said.

“You’re lucky I didn’t check my screen I should just -“

The only form of communication you’ve had with him since the incident was a few texts. Dry texts. On both ends.

“No!” he panicked. “Please don’t hang up please, please, I - I couldn’t sleep.”

You shut your eyes in frustration. “You called me at three in the morning because you couldn’t sleep?”

“No, I - I’m apologizing because I couldn’t sleep, no I - I’m apologizing because I was - I don’t know -“

“Spencer I really don’t have time for this. I have things to do tomorrow. What’s today Tuesday? We’ll have coffee or something Friday, okay?”

There was silence on the other end for a few seconds. “I have a date, no I mean plans Friday..uhm, Sunday?”

“Sunday.”

And you hung up the phone. You didn’t mean to sound bitter, you didn’t but seriously? You were actually willing to see him for once - maybe a decision your unconscious, pining, mind made - but still, and he can’t because of a date? A date?

With JJ no doubt. Of course it was JJ. It’s always been JJ. Every single time. “I can’t today Y/N JJ needs,” or “JJ called I gotta go,” or “Shoot I’m sorry I know we had plans but JJ -“

Will it always be JJ? Will she always be number one? Has she always been number one and you just never realized it? Have you been the girl he just hung out with because he couldn’t with her?

A few months ago...

“I bought chinese.” You grinned.

“Smells so good.” Spencer took the bags from your hands and kissed you on the cheek.

Spencer picked the movie this time since you picked it last time. He was sitting in the middle of the couch while you had your legs draped across his. Occasionally he’d bring his hand down to rub your legs.

Things were fine. Things were content. Until his phone rang.

“Y/N, It’s JJ I have to go.”

“What does she need?” you ask genuinely worried.

“Nothing I don’t think. I just gotta go.”

I hate you, I love you I hate that I love you You want her, you need her And I’ll never be her

———————————-—&—————————————-

i literally have no idea what this is i -

team hotch or spence?

if you have any ideas or scene ideas PLEASE tell me

i’m really trying on this happy ending thing

a spencer apology/talk scene is cominggg

i’m liking the idea of two endings? maybe?

spencer tag list: @hotchsbabygirl @pinkdiamond1016 @thefemalestorywriter @sizzlingclamturtlesludge @samyilf123 @mathchampagne @studywithrosie01 @reniescarlett @drreidsconverse @eveliiinnn27 @bweakmybonez

comments tag list: @yeah-just-ignore-me-thanks @geekgirleve @jhiddles03 @carlgrxmes @dreatine @meowiemari @thedaughterofhotchniss @we-are-dreamers42 @unabashedlyswimmingtimemachine @silverchains9182 @realalpacorn @enamouravecleslivresetlechocolat @matthew-gray-g @minami97 @mgg-th1996 @peculiarinsomniac @secondratecomplaint @fallinallinmendes @fantastic-fans @eldahae @psych0crybaby @tclaerh @ashwarren32 @spenciegoob @mustbeaweasleyginger @abschaffer2

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Ok ok I’ve had this thought for a while now, how about this. When Touya was a lil baby man his “dad” introduced him to his fellow pro hero’s daughter. Maybe the hero is a high ranking pro of another country. They hit it off and become friends. But his “dad’s” shit is too much and she notices his change and asks him and he maybe takes his anger out on her. But she just calmly takes it all, smiling and says after his rant, that he isn’t alone and tells him that her father is the same and that since her quirk (Emma Frost’s powers maybe) is powerful she’s doing the same to her. Then their friendship grows and later somethings happen Touya can’t take his BS so leaves without a trace. Years later she’s a pro hero ranking in top 5 in her country. They meet through pure coincidence. And he sees that she has an engagement ring on, and he’s like wtf and she just gives him a heartbreaking smile and says that maybe if he stayed it could have been him who gave that to her 🥺 you can go on from there Sorry it’s so long😥

I’m not going to force you to write it, just trying to give you ideas to inspire your writing. please don’t think that I’m forcing this on you 🙏🙏🙏 if you want to then ONLY should you write it okay 🥺😭

Can we just take a moment to look at him😭💔❤

Ps: sorry about the quirk part ;-; only after I saw it was a specific one

"UGH!" The once red haired kid hissed in pain as his body double over... sometimes he wished he could just had gained the blessing of not only rememberinh his mother, but inhering her quirk as well... his blue flames accordinh to his father cartied more potential than his... that he was almost perfect...

Yet he wasn't. His body couldn't handle the heat... as well as his mind couldn't tolerate more of the mental and physical abuse Endeavour put him, his siblings and mother too...

His forehead was against the ground as hs gritted his teeth the best he could to not pet out one miserable yey possibly inhuman shout... both of pain and anger.

Although he flinched back up when he fept a touch near his hot shoulder... thinking that was possibly his baby brother Natsuo worried abiyt him once again.

But it wasn't the white haired kid... it was you... standing in front of him with a worried face wjile holding a bucket of possible icy water and some towels.

"What?" He scoffs, doing his best to stand up without trembling.

(L/n) (Y/n) was the daughter of a famous pro hero from America... Her father being a close friend of Endeavour, somehow, introduced his daughter to the old man... the girl was a compassionate soul with a telepathic diamond kinda like quirk. Both of you grew closer as time went by... yet, he couldn't sadly hide it the pain he felt as his father slowly grew to be a abuser...

He couldn't just tell you about it. For what? Ruin the pertect Todoroki family sterotype and for yoi just to rub into his face about your perfect little lovingly family?

He would rather not.. bit todaay he was just fuming. Angry at his father, angry at his quirk... angry at himself

"You're burning up Touya-kun..." you whispered while kneeling down next to his fetal position form "Rough training..?" You whispered softly whiel clenching the towel before slowly rubbing the visible parts of his skin...

He remained silent, a frow present on his features as he clenched his legs closer to his torso.

"... Touya-kun?"he grunted at your call amd tried not to wince at the cold wet towel on his cheek "Is not only training right?"

"Took you long enough smartpants..." he chuckled darkly, brushing you off and putting his legs on a crossstype sitting.

".. wanna talk about it? It usually he-"

"Oh, like talking will just stop my stupid father to beat my mother and treat me and my siblings like shit.." he gritted his teeth at the memory and for spilling out what he didn't wanted to.

He saw how your eyes widened from the corner of his turquoise ones... scoffing at your reaction.

"Touya-kun I.. I know what is-"

"Oh dont come with the "i know how you feel" talk." He growled, glaring at you in anger "The spoiled princess have everything to goods and food in your home. A dad that just doesn't smiles as often as All Might, a mother that always remain by your side no matter what and you come with that bullshit?!" He widened his eyes at the curse he let out and how he shouted at you... a billions of regrets already forming inside his head until he saw a bit of tears on your eyes yet a kind and painfull smile on your lips.

"You think is like that?" You almost sobbed the words until you pulled your sleeves up to show him marks of cigaretes, cuts and purples dots adoring your skin as his eyes widened in horror...

"W..what?" He almost whispered as he grab your arm to inspectes closer.

"The comet hero, example of a father... does this to me every single day he comes back from a fight that didn't ended well or when I mess up with something on my training... while my mom is always drinking and watchs from a safe distance to not be hurr as well..."

Horror was present on his face as anger slowed build inside of him... so this was what heroes do to their children?! Him and you had been suffering in the hands of the most powerful and respected heroes out there...

If he had control over his power he swore he would chase your father down for everything he done to you.

"So yeah... I know how you must feel... Touya. You're not alone..." your arms slipped from his grasp only for you to fill the empty of his hands with yours, interviewing your fingers with his.

He couldn't even answer as he pulled you gently to hug as he craddled your head between his neck and hand, carresing your back with his free one.

If only he could be a little more strong... only to protect you and himself...

Yet that didn't stopped him to vow to himself to get some revenge on both of you.

.

.

.

Finally he was meeting wuth his baby brother Shouto. And now he was ready to burn all of the heroes and students present there just to prove his point that none of them were worth of even living.

Yes he was crazy, a sociopath that killed more than one hundred people. But whose fault was that again? Oh right! Endeavour... Todoroki Enji. His father that could dance with his son on the deepest parts of hell.

Just when he was about to send a attach towards Shoto the chaos around him was mute for a short few seconds.

'You would really hurt your younger brother like that..? Touya?'

"What the fuck..?" He muttered before receiving a kick on his hut wnough for him to gag on his own blood.

Quickly recovering he sended another attack only to see a woman made of diamond standing next to him, panting as her grip on the blades remained.

"Touya..." you blinked and a soon more human like appearance got back as the woman stared at him with horror "What happened to you?"

"Do I even know you sweetcheeks?" He asked nonchamtly before sending another wave of flames towards your direction only for your arm to get back on a diamond like shape as you blocked the attack.

"Seriously?!" You gasped while holding your blades.

He was about to attack before a flash of memories of his childhood appeared as he groaned at the pain it actually felt, but still reamained stood until his eyes widened at a image of his long lost childhood friend...

When his vision got back he stared at you... recogjizing finally after so many years.

"So you devided to become one of those fake heroes too (Y/n)..?" He snarled, forearm in front of him as he lit it into flames, hiding the actual hurt he felt.

"Our parents may have acted this way, but that doesn't mean all heroes belong to a world full of lies!"

"Bullshit." He attacked once again as you dodged, coming closer to him as he groaned and managed to lock you in the ground... seing a golden ring on your left hand as you tried to controp your breathing at seing his hand on your throat.

"What the fuck...?" That was a weeding ring... a fucking weeding ring. The woman that was supposw to be his was married to someone else...

You realized his grip lessen up a bit only because of the sign of the ring on your finger... realization come into your senses as you felt tears start to form in yout eyes as you manage to smile a bit... unknown to Dabi that you were contacting your side kick and husband to come for your rescue.

"... you know..." you brushed your fingers on his scarred face much like you did years ago, making him freeze qith turquoise eyes wide open "... it could have been you.. but.. you .. I thought you were.."

"Dead..?" He mumbled, still on top of you as his eyes narrowed at the golden ring ".. I wish.."

[ostrichlady]

THOUGHTS AND RAMBLES ABOUT SNK CHAPTER 139 (SPOILERS!!)

Rating of this chapter: Lukewarm tea.

And everyone knows lukewarm tea tastes bad.

I do think the best way to deal with this chapter is to not overanalyze it. Read it once, call it quits and move on. I did that and felt great the next day. But because I spent too many years of my life in this story, of course the thoughts came back and there are a few things I need to say before leaving this story behind.

I never wanted a happy or tragic ending. I never wanted for everything to be solved neither for everything to end on a depressing note. The only thing I ever asked for was that the finale was fair and made sense.

But unfortunately, what happened was the exact opposite.

Everything that happened after the 3 years time skip was a big whatever and the only thing that comforts me is that Armin is alive, and Historia seems happy with her child. 

I still don’t understand why Reiner and Annie were so easily accepted. I mean, at least Reiner showed huge amounts of regret and we saw how he dealt with the trauma that everything caused to him (although now he's back to being a creep for Historia? Ew). But Annie? She herself admitted she would do the same shit all over again no problem, and why was she tearing after talking to Eren in the PATHS? Didn’t she say a few chapters ago that if they had to kill him, she wouldn’t hesitate and was almost judging Mikasa and Armin for not thinking the same way? Excuse me Annie, but what made you so emotional all of the sudden? 

Then we learn that the world is still a very dangerous place for Eldians and Paradis; the yeagerists are in charge of the military force and will swoop the alliance’s ass very easily if they find them chilling outside. And my question is: killing 80%of the population lead to this? Really? At any moment, Eldians can be exterminated, this is even worst than before!? They don’t have proper military training, the world still doesn’t like them and the alliance ambassadors or whatever are not very liked either sooo...I truly don’t understand the point of this. Now, don’t get me wrong: I never liked the Rumbling plan because as Hange said, "There's never a good enough reason for committing genocide", and I also always believed the Rumbling would make everyone else hate Eldians even more. But if 80% of people had to have their lives taken, at least don’t let it go to waste!?

Anyways, going back to when they’re still at war.

So Eren went around everyone’s mind and now everyone cries for him. A little late, but sure.

Everyone who was transformed into a titan is back, making the previous chapter be even more useless. Imagine reading the volume, get some shock value with Jean, Connie and everyone else becoming titans just to turn the page and they are back. I mean, I thought it was really unfair Jean died (and I hope he’s not arranging his hair for when they meet Mikasa) but having him and everyone else coming back like this is just....dumb? 

The fact we had Eren’s intentions explained this way makes the whole situation even messier. From his conversation with Armin to the road trip he did through people’s memories, it was just a big dump of information that did nothing but pull out a wtf from me. I think it would be a lot better if we saw a POV like the one from chapter 131, more honest and raw being that we would be seeing his true thoughts with no outside opinions and questioning. But this whole mess felt so, so displaced that for two seconds I wondered if they were all going crazy, Eren included. 

And I will never accept that Eren “killed” his mom for the sake of whatever the heck this became. Just no. Carla was Eren’s most important person, the one who said he was special simply for being born, and you want to convince me she had to be pulled into this mess because of some weird shit Ymir had going on with Mikasa, and Eren had to follow through?? This was cheap shock value that didn’t even shock because of how nonsense it is. The scene in which Eren asks Reiner why did his mom have to die lost all of its value and weight. How can one rewatch or reread snk, see the tragic and emotional scene where a 10 year old kid cries and screams as he see his mom be EATEN BY A TITAN and feel anything at all? Honestly, what a disrespect to Carla. Someone should have told her Yeagers can’t be trusted.

Speaking of Yeagers: Grisha, your kids are a mess. Come take responsibility for this-

Besides the fact that Zeke was killed for absolutely NOTHING, Eren’s character became a joke on a dozen of panels. More than angry, I’m shocked with how Isayama pulled this off. From having one of the best MC in modern shounen to having a pathetic little idiot that doesn’t know wtf he’s doing and has an intense unresolved crush on the girl he’s always had zero chemistry with. Legit I would be less surprised if he said he had a crush on fucking Connie, for god’sake. All of his motives, ideals and determination were sacrificed in sake of complete obnoxious notions of love I’m not even gonna ramble about here. And don't come at me with the whole "Oh bUt hE's JuSt A tEeNaGeR aNd DoEsN't UnDeRsTaNd HiS eMoTiOnS aNd WaS hIdInG hIs LoVe FoR mIkAsA". That's a cheap explanation for a cheap argument for a cheap mess that makes no sense. If you’re an Eren stan, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened but I feel your pain.

Last but certainly not least: Mikasa and Ymir.

I could say so much about these two but to sum it up: what a miserable duo. I’m not head over heels for Mikasa but I thought she had her place in the story and could have had some good character development. But ever since the timeskip, I had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen and it really didn’t. If Isayama chose this way for her because there’s a message between the lines, I don’t care because this was the last chapter and we all wanted answers. So we’re working with what we have laid down plain which is: Mikasa had a miserable ending, can’t let go of Eren and is stuck in the past. Her so called “selfless” love and obsession towards Eren is a very unhealthy response to her own traumas. This connection between her and Ymir just proves even further what I said as both of them are devoted to a love that never gave back and deeply hurt them in more ways than it’s apparent.

And still on Ymir’s topic, I don’t understand why she now has stockholm syndrome towards that nasty, disgusting, waste of human being king when the plot was setting her up in a complete different direction!? That whole talk of Eren finally freeing her from being a slave to the royal family, and giving her the chance of choosing her own path, where did all of that go!? What was that chapter for!? All of this buildup just because she was waiting for Mikasa?

Where has the entire talk about “everyone deserves freedom because they were born into this world” go? Why has a theme bigger than any of the characters gotten reduced to “waiting for Mikasa to decide herself about her feelings ‘cause omg tragic loooovee story”??? This just makes the deaths of everyone, and the scouts look completely useless. That Ramzi kid really died for this...

I swear, what a mess.

Overall, if you read this chapter in one go and then sigh relief as snk is finally over, this ending will probably be okay or just meh. I’m not angry or anything near that. Just disappointed and shocked that these two last chapters were this bad. Again, even if there are hidden messages between the lines, this is the last chapter and we shouldn’t have to be debating that. It’s okay to pull out a bunch of foreshadowing and questioning and whatnot in your story but to leave things in the open with the most weird messages and morals on the surface is just...blergh.

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Us and Andie Ch. 3

Summary: Bucky works as an Avenger because it’s what’s right. He feels he has sins he’ll never be able to make up for, but he’ll spend the rest of his life trying. However, his life takes an unexpected turn when he comes across Andie, the daughter of recently divorced Y/N. The life he had once “maintained” in hopes of surviving changes as his heart warms for a tough-as-nails nurse and her wonderful daughter.

Pairing: Bucky x singleparent!Reader

Word Count: 5130 (Guys, this just keeps getting higher and higher, wtf)

Warnings: Nothing. Guys, this is fluff. I mean, there will be angst in later chapters, but not yet. I’ll warn ya when we get there.

Masterlist

Silence had a way of filling a room and making it feel heavy. For the Avengers, a team that was constantly outspoken and filled with energy, that silence was deafening and suffocating. The only person who ever seemed to find true peace with it was Bucky. But now, everyone was silent for a different reason.

They were watching Andie.

The girl had so easily snuck out from under the nose of five heroes and managed to evade a team of them for hours. It took a Hulk with a craving to find her again.

And that alone was enough to impress Tony. He was highly amused by the girl and found her brutal honesty as refreshing as being around Happy or Rhodey. He hadn’t realized it was a quality he respected so much until he was fine with a kid behaving in such a manner. But he knew Andie wasn’t supposed to be here and after an update from F.R.I.D.A.Y., he realized how out of hand everything had gotten. So now, he watched as Bruce and Andie kept up their game, listening to Peter and Sam explain the last several hours of their day.

He shrugged, turning back to them. “Well, I called her mom and she’s on her way.” 

“You know her mom?” Steve raised an eyebrow and Tony laughed.

“Uh…F.R.I.D.A.Y.” Tony pointed up to the ceiling and Steve knew in that moment that he should have already assumed. F.R.I.D.A.Y. was extremely good at getting information.

“So she’s heading this way?” Steve glanced back at Andie, arms crossed and brow furrowed. Tony knew that look all too well.

“Is there something wrong with that, Cap?”

“No…I…” He trailed off and Tony snorted, shaking his head and going back to his work.

“Keep your secrets, Old man. But make sure Manchurian Candidate over there doesn’t explode. I really don’t want to have to clean this place up.”

Steve chuckled. The more forgiving Tony was as time passed, the more he teased Bucky. And it showed a much needed progress for his two friends. He wanted his team to be a family. To be able to work together and rely on one another. That being said, he turned his attention back to his oldest friend.

Bucky was sitting on a stool, leg bouncing restlessly but eyes never wavering. He was absolutely fixated on Andie. It seemed the concern he had was clear to everyone in the room except for him. But no one dared comment on it. Instead, he let himself smile as Andie turned over an empty bag that was once filled with what was hers and Bruce’s favorite candy. He rose to his feet, finally earning the kid’s attention. “Come on, Andie. Can throw that away and wait for your mom in the living room.”

She nodded and hopped off, taking his hand in hers before following him out of the room. When the doors finally closed, there was nothing but silence. Everyone had watched how easily she had listened to him. How easily she had touched him. And there was no fear from her. No tension from him.

“She’s got him wrapped around her finger, doesn’t she?” Sam asked, already knowing the answer.

Rather than answer Sam’s question, Tony asked, “Why do you think I called her mom?”

Steve immediately looked at him.

Still, Tony didn’t look up. The only sign of ‘guilt’ on his face was the smirk that was cast in a glow emanating from the iron-suit.

-.-

Bucky sat in one of the awkward, too-stiff chairs near the foyer. It seemed Tony knew the Avengers should expect guests and had this area set up for just that. Right now, he had Andie situated on the couch with a pair of Falcon’s goggles in her hands. She had tried to put them on to the best of her abilities, jumping around as if she was about to take flight. Unlike most kids he had crossed paths with these days, she was heavily relying on her imagination. He wandered if it was a choice or because her family didn’t have the means for her to have access to technology.

“Kid, take a seat. Your mom’s going to be here soon.”

She had been hanging over the back of the couch, but at the title ‘kid’, she looked back at him. “I thought you weren’t going to call me that anymore.”

“I thought your name was ‘Andie’.”

She frowned, taking off the goggles and tossing them on the table between them. “It is.”

“No. According to your mom, your name is ‘Lauren’.”

Her shoulders tensed at that name. He couldn’t help but be curious as to how often she actually heard it. Why did she hate it so much? “You don’t get to call me that.”

“I don’t?”

“You’re not my parent.”

Bucky leaned back in his chair, rubbing his jaw and the back of his neck. He noticed the way she stared at the table between them. It seemed the goofy kid everyone found utterly adorable was no where in sight. He’d overstepped. Tapping his foot, he found himself watching the way she picked at her nails. They were short and he realized she probably chewed them. A nervous habit. “I don’t go by my first name either.”

“I know.” Her voice was soft as she tucked a leg into her chest. She changed her mind as she started playing with her laces. “You go by a nickname from your middle name. Same as me.”

“More like what you’re doing is the same as me. I am older.”

She giggled at that and the small smile was enough to ease at least some more minor worries.

“Was it your dad that named you?”

She nodded against her knee, the action stiff and awkward, but enough of an answer for him.

“And Andromeda?”

Andie looked at him, finally meeting his gaze as she gave him one of his favorite smiles. “Look it up.” Bucky chuckled, crossing his arms and slouching more in his seat. She tilted her head, cheek resting on her bony leg. “Mom says bad posture screws up your back.”

“Oh, is that right?” He raised an eyebrow. “And what does she say about putting your shoes on the couch, huh?”

“She says don’t.”

Both immediately turned their attention to the front doors of the foyer. Y/N was standing there in scrubs and a hoodie, exhaustion even more prominent than the night he had seen her. Was it because she had gotten off a shift? Or was she always so tired?

“What the hell is she doing here?” Y/N crossed the foyer, gaze settled intently on Bucky as he rose to his feet. “I had Peter taking care of her and – “

“And the kid has an internship here. He’s friends with the Avengers.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, not entirely sure why she was angry. Sure, she hadn’t known where Andie was, but she was safe. There was no where else she could have been that would have made her more so. “Steve and Sam saw them at the park and – “

“I don’t care. That’s my kid. And Peter knows better. Just because you’re a bunch of heroes doesn’t mean – “

“Mom…”

“Not right now, Andie,” Y/N murmured, shoulders slumping. The only reason she was even remotely functional right now was because of her anger. It was keeping her awake. And she still had a long drive to get them back to Brooklyn and return her coworker’s vehicle. And she still had work tomorrow night. Crossing her arms, she looked back at Bucky and said, “She could have been with every single superhero you know. I don’t care. The fact that I didn’t know where my child was, that’s what matters. I didn’t know that she was safe. For all I knew, her fucking father – “

“Mom, I’m okay.”

“Andie.” Y/N exhaled a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. It was then that Bucky saw the tears in her eyes. He watched as Andie reached across the back of the couch and grabbed her hand, squeezing gently. “It took a call from Tony Stark for me to find out where my kid was. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is for someone like me?”

Someone like her?

Oh. A single parent. A single mother.

“No. I don’t know. And I’m sorry.”

Y/N watched him, studying his features and it seemed she believed him because she simply nodded. This reaction to his presence was so different from their last interaction that he wasn’t sure what to think. He would’ve thought she’d be happy that Andie was with good guys, but it seemed she didn’t care. She really did just want to know for herself that her kid was safe. He thought back to the community they lived in. The hospital she worked at. It wasn’t even one of the better hospitals that could provide good pay. It made him wonder – what had happened to their family?

“You must be Y/N Y/L/N.”

The trio looked back towards the inner workings of the building. There, as if waiting to make a grand entrance, was the rest of the team. Normally they would expect someone to freak out, get excited and ask for autographs, maybe a photo. But not Y/N. No, her gaze fell on Tony, recognizing his voice from their earlier phone call and the numerous times she had heard him on the news.

He walked forward, immediately shaking her hand. Bucky watched the exchange, completely puzzled. There was nothing about this situation that required the whole team and yet even Wanda and Vision were lingering in the background, waiting to get to know these two people.

“Please, don’t introduce yourselves. I’m pretty sure anyone with common sense knows who you are,” Y/N said, smiling at Tony before looking to everyone else.

“Those are our codenames though,” Sam reminded.

Y/N raised an eyebrow. “Alright.”

Andie grinned as if something really cool was about to happen. She looked at Sam, as if her expression alone told him: You are so wrong.

Pointing one by one, Y/N said, “Sam Wilson. Steve Rogers. Natasha Romanoff. Clint Barton. Bruce Banner. Vision. Wanda Maximoff. Tony Stark.” Her gaze settled on Bucky. “James Buchanan Barnes.”

“Just – “

“Bucky.” The nickname slipped out of hers and Bucky’s mouths together and Steve was barely able to hide his smile.

Andie added, “She knows.”

Y/N chuckled down at her girl, pulling her into a little side hug as she told the team, “You aren’t nearly as anonymous as you would like to believe. Anyone with a computer can find out your actual names and anyone who witnessed Sekovia or the Accords would certainly be reminded.”

“You’re not one of the people who hates us, are you,” Sam asked, earning a shove from Steve. “Look, it is a legitimate question. Especially in our line of work.”

Y/N laughed. It was beautiful and simple and the sound made Bucky smile. He ducked his head, hiding behind loose strands of hair so as to hide any flush that could have appeared. No one seemed to notice. Except for Steve. “I don’t hate any of you. I think all of you mean well and, except for Vision and Thor, you’re human. Humans make mistakes. Humans try their best. With your talents, you’re trying to do some good in the world, right?” She didn’t need an answer. “So it’s not even that I don’t hate you. I can’t.”

Tony smiled at that, looking back at Steve. The two seemed to have their own little conversation, silent to everyone but themselves.

“And on that note,” she said, squeezing Andie before releasing her. “We got to get on the road.”

Tony whipped his head around as Bucky looked up. But both reacted for entirely different reasons. It seemed Andie’s initial joke of playing matchmaker now had two important players: Tony and Steve.

And they were determined to see if maybe there was potential for something.

Nothing wrong with that, right?

“Since we scared you and you have that long drive ahead of you anyway, why don’t you stay for dinner,” Tony offered. The confused look from Bucky didn’t go unnoticed, but it was certainly ignored. “Consider it a peace offering?”

“Please, Mom?”

Y/N offered a weak smile, shaking her head. “I wish we could, but I work tomorrow night and Andie has school.”

“We can take her,” Steve offered, shrugging.

“And there’s plenty of rooms here. You could stay the night. Get some actual sleep instead of worrying about all that traffic,” Natasha added.

Andie’s eyes seemed to light up like a kid at Christmas. “Oh, please! Please, can we, Mom?” She swung off Y/N’s arm, seemingly trying to exhaust her into a yes.

“I – Look, as kind as that is, it really isn’t necessary.”

Peter smiled, knowing exactly where this was coming from. Y/N didn’t like charity. Though May hadn’t told him everything that had happened in Y/N’s divorce, he knew it was messy. He knew she had to pick up a lot of pieces and right now she was just looking out for Andie. She had a lot of pride despite everything. Still…it was okay to accept a nice gesture. It wasn’t pity. It was help. “I was going to stay for dinner. If you want, I can stay the night too and take Andie to school tomorrow.”

The idea of Andie going with someone she was more familiar with made Y/N feel at ease. It was ridiculous. They were superheroes. She should feel perfectly fine with her daughter in their hands, but she didn’t know them. And that made a difference. At least now it did. Turning her gaze back to Andie, she noticed that pleading look in her eyes. Andie was pretty good at reading rooms and not asking for things. She was good at knowing when it wasn’t time to push.

So this must really be something she wanted.

“…Okay.”

-.-

The kitchen was chaotic to say the least. Since the Avengers normally ate out or ordered in, it was odd seeing them try to be so…domestic. It turned out that none of them really knew how to cook. Except for Sam and Wanda.

So now they were trying to put together something that could qualify as a meal for Y/N and Andie.

Y/N watched them from the couch as her daughter tried to settle on a movie. At first, they tried to offer her some of Natasha’s clothes to change into, but she had merely laughed at the idea. She knew she could never fit in Natasha’s clothes and didn’t need that twinge of self-loathing. So instead, Steve leant her a hoodie and sweats. They were baggy on her, but she looked cozy.

Cute, Bucky thought as he sat on the opposite end of the couch.

“Do they need help in there?” Y/N pointed to the kitchen, looking at Bucky and then Steve who had taken up the whole loveseat.

Bucky glanced back to see Clint trying to steal a taste of whatever meat Sam was cooking. When he was swatted away with a spatula, he knew they’d all be fine. “Don’t worry about it. They can handle a meal in the kitchen.” He looked back at Y/N. She was doing her best to be in the corner of the couch, trying to take up as little space as possible as Andie made herself comfortable, using her mother’s stomach as a pillow.

“Buck, you should braid Andie’s hair. It’d probably get her to focus on finding a movie.” Steve was mostly teasing, but it seemed his friend was determined to keep as much space between himself and the family as he could. What was he so afraid of?

Bucky glared at Steve as Andie looked from the captain to him. “Could you?”

“Uh…”

“Andie,” Y/N murmured, tugging at a strand of her hair. “These guys are already doing a lot for us. Don’t – “

“I don’t mind.”

Y/N looked up, her y/e/c eyes meeting his bright blue ones. It really was strange hearing him talk so much, but she was starting to get used to it. She was starting to like it. There was something about his voice that was calming. And here he was, playing to the whims of her little girl. “Are you sure?”

Before he had a chance to answer, Andie was already scrambling out of her mother’s lap and settling in his. He chuckled, dropping his legs from the coffee table in front of him and settling them on the floor. She took off the hat, such a small thing that she hadn’t parted with in three days, and held it out for her mom.

“Guard it with your life,” Andie said, eyes wide and silent promise already being made as Y/N chuckled and took the hat.

Bucky glanced at Y/N, silently asking if it was genuinely okay for him to do this. She simply shrugged. Who was she to deny such a simple and sweet request? Bucky turned back to Andie, gently combing his fingers through her hair. There were only a few tangles and if they hurt, she gave no inkling that that was the case.

Satisfied that her hair would behave for him, Bucky’s nimble fingers started working on her hair. It reminded him of Rebecca. When she was a little girl, she’d always ask Bucky to do her hair and he had gotten rather good at it. It seemed the muscle memory never quite left him.

Meanwhile, Steve looked at Y/N, curious how she was feeling about all of this. Everything about her looked tired and drained, but he was almost certain that she was far from relaxed. He had experience with someone being a single parent and knew that worry was always high on their list. His mom raised him as a single mother, but it was because she was a widow. She had loved her husband with everything. Seeing someone put such stress on themselves willingly made him want to ask why.

“So,” he spoke up. Clearing his throat, he was relieved when Y/N looked his way and seemed calm. “If you don’t mind my asking, how long has it been just you two?”

Bucky jerked his head, glaring at Steve. “She doesn’t have to answer that.” Whether he wanted to know the answer or not, she didn’t owe them an answer. She owed no one an explanation.

Y/N laughed softly at Bucky’s clear irritation towards the comment. “It’s fine. Honestly. Being a single mom, you get those questions every day,” she told Bucky. Looking back at Steve, she answered his question with, Eight years.”

Steve raised an eyebrow as Bucky looked her way. Eight years? Andie had a whole family for such a small period of time. “I – Wow.”

“Anything else you want to know?”

Yes. Why? How often does Andie see her father? Who decided to get the divorce? Was it mutual? Are you on good terms? What is Andie’s father like?

The questions went on and on and on, listing themselves in Bucky’s head. But he didn’t bother asking. It wasn’t his place.

“You like being single?”

Y/N hesitated when she was asked that, looking back to the kitchen. Clint was the one who asked. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and came to the chaise, plopping down on it as he looked at Y/N. Leave it to him to ask such a weird question. But she thought about it for a moment and shrugged. “Does your team?”

“Hell nah,” Sam called from the kitchen. Laughter came from everyone and Bucky couldn’t stop himself from sighing in relief. Leave it to these guys to ask something that was none of their business. “But maybe we should invite Scott over. Try to get you two…What was the word you used to always call it, Steve?”

Steve shifted, cheeks flushing red. “I don’t remember.”

“Fonduing,” Tony answered, earning a burst of giggles from Andie.

“Are you done yet,” she whispered to Bucky. He chuckled, tugging off the hair tie that was located on his wrist. He secured the braid and dropped it against her back. She grinned and touched it, trying to figure out which braid he had done for her.

“Now pick a movie, Rugrat,” he whispered in her ear. “Before the whole team decides to find a date for your mom.”

Andie wrinkled her nose at the very idea, shaking her head. “She’s not supposed to date anybody.” Looking at her mom, she added, “Not yet at least.”

Yet? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

He chuckled and shook his head as he leaned back. Bucky had every reason to believe that she would move back to her mom, but instead, she did just the opposite. Squeezing between him and the end of the couch, she had practically forced him to wrap an arm around her. Again, Bucky looked to Y/N, not sure that this was okay. But instead of anger or worry, she smiled. It seemed she was anything but bothered by the sight.

“Oh, this one!”

The team looked to the screen to see that Andie had picked out a Disney movie. “Treasure Planet.”

“But first,” Wanda called. Several plates glowed red and hovered in the air. Each was filled with food and ready to be snatched. “Let’s eat.”

Andie immediately bolted, jumping over the arm of the couch as most everyone made their way in the same direction. Bucky glanced at the spot she had wedged herself into, suddenly feeling cold. But when he noticed the way Steve watched him, that knowing smile, he shrugged off any curiosities he had. Andie was just a good kid. That’s all it was.

But then she came back with two plates of food. She held one out to him and immediately dropped back in the spot she’d been occupying. He stared, absolutely dumbfounded as he took the plate and settled it on his spare leg. She was completely oblivious, meeting his gaze and explaining, “Dinner and a show.”

Bucky laughed. Wholeheartedly. A sound Steve hadn’t heard since the 40’s and no one else had ever heard. They all paused for the briefest of moments, trying their best not to simply stare at the pair as Andie pressed play.

Sam glanced at Y/N, passing her a plate. She watched Bucky and Andie with a look on her face that he couldn’t quite read. “You know, if it’s easier on you, we could watch over her.” Y/N faced him. “There’s always someone at the compound and…I mean, we really like having her here.”

Y/N chuckled at that, shaking her head. “You’ve had her for a day.”

“Half of one,” Sam corrected, still not caring. He could make his argument. “When she’s not visiting her dad and you’re working, have her come here. You can save money on babysitting that way, right?”

She hesitated at that. It was true. Though Peter and May didn’t ask for much when it came to babysitting, the number of times she had to ask them meant that particular bill was adding up. And with Andie’s dad not paying child support…she needed all the money she could get. “I get to know who is going to be here, right?”

Sam smiled and nodded, wrapping an arm around her and giving her a small hug. “Of course. I’m sure Tony can work something out. Get you access to the compound. Half a day or not, your kid has quite a way with people. Particularly heroes.”

Y/N looked at Bucky and Andie. They were settled on the couch in such a way, it reminded her of a long time ago. Ten years. When she was still a baby and her marriage was still attempting to function. She looked like a little girl with her dad, watching a little boy on screen freak out over a space-story. It was Andie’s favorite movie. And she knew exactly why.

Blinking away tears before they had a chance to fall, she nodded. “Okay. I think – Yeah, I think I’ll take you up on that offer.”

-.-

“Bucky…Bucky, wake up.”

He jolted awake. The metal arm flexed, gears churning as he remembered where he was. He’d fallen asleep? For how long? Running a hand over his face and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he looked around and saw Andie was sitting on his lap. She’d been poking his face, but now she just watched him. The credits from whatever movie were rolling on the screen and he shifted.

What time was it?

“It’s way past my bedtime,” she told him. Holding a finger to her lips, she pointed to her sleeping mom. “I need to go to bed.”

Bucky watched her, barely hiding his amusement. “Alright.” Groaning as he rose to his feet, he kept her in his grasp. She didn’t seem to mind, instead wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his chest. It was such a simple act and yet it felt unbelievably natural. “Let’s find you a bed.”

She nodded as he carried her down the hall and he was almost positive that she was asleep. But he couldn’t exactly judge. He was tired too. Finding one of the spare rooms, he opened the door and looked around. It was bland and empty. Not nearly the type of room any kid should have, but it was just for the night. “Come on, Andie, wake up,” he whispered in her ear.

“Mmm,” she whined into his chest. His heart warmed, beating faster, but he didn’t dare think too hard about it. Instead, he set her on the bed and took her shoes off.

“Come on, Andie, wake up long enough to get under the covers.”

Andie blinked slowly, yawning. How had she fallen asleep so quickly before? He didn’t try to think too hard about it. Instead, he pulled the covers and sheets free as she shimmied out of her jeans. He barely got a chance to get the pillows ready before she dived underneath. Her arms wrapped around one of the overly fluffy pillows, burying her face in it and smiling. “Thank you, Bucky.”

“No problem, Rugrat.” He stood up, watching her for the smallest moment. She looked so frail and innocent…He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. So instead of overthinking, of dwelling, he slipped out.

Closing the door behind him, he wandered back into the common area to find the credits to the last movie still playing. Really the only one he had found himself paying attention to was the first. There were parallels in the movie that he was sure Andie related to. It made sense. Kids identified with characters for multiple reasons, but mostly it provided a validity to who they were. To their trauma.

Turning off the tv, he immediately heard movement on the couch. He glanced down at Y/N as she rolled over, still fast asleep. At some point during the second movie, she had fallen asleep. No one had the heart to wake her, instead wrapping her up in a blanket and just letting her sleep.

A part of him wanted to let her.

But he knew she would be painfully uncomfortable if she stayed there all night. He knelt beside her, brushing her hair back. She looked so peaceful, calm and at ease. He wondered if it was as rare for her to feel like this as it was for him.

God, you’re being creepy.

He dropped his hand and shifted slightly. Instead of playing with her hair, he started shaking her shoulder. “Y/N. Y/N, wake up,” he murmured. “You need a bed.”

She murmured something incoherent, curling into herself more. God, if he wasn’t so worried about her back, he’d leave her like this. She looked so adorable. He didn’t want to be the one to kill that.

“Come on, Doll.” Bucky slipped his hand underneath her, freezing for a moment when he felt her moving again. “Wake up or don’t, but please, don’t pick a time where I look like a creep,” he whispered, lifting her into his arms. His metal arm slipped under her legs as her head rest on his shoulder. She was easy to carry, especially with the serum, but he wanted to be careful all the same. “Let’s find you a bed, hm?”

He carried her down the same hall, hoping the room across from Andie would be open. He knew Y/N would feel better being closer to her kid. Shifting her in his arms, he opened the door and silently swung it open. Repositioning her, he froze as one of her hands wound them in his shirt, her face nuzzling his neck.

If his heart hadn’t been racing before, it sure as hell was now. He exhaled slowly, trying to ignore how hot his face felt, trying to ignore the faint feel of her heartbeat against his chest. Taking quick strides to the bed, he carefully laid her down. Her fist still clenched tightly around his shirt and he worked to free himself from her tight grip. She was strong for such a frail human. It was impressive. Dropping her hand, he slipped her shoes off and set them at the foot of the bed. There was no way in hell he was going to undress her. Nope. Not happening. But he shifted her underneath the blankets. She had to be dead tired. It was the only way someone could stay asleep during all of this.

Finally pulling the blankets to her chin, he smiled and lightly traced her hairline and brow. Her face relaxed and she rolled onto her side, cuddling into one of the pillows.

So that was where Andie got that from.

Bucky rose to his feet and left, silently closing the door behind him. Slumping against the door, he stared at the ceiling and exhaled slowly. That was too intimate. Too real. But he liked it. He liked the idea of taking care of someone.

“They tucked in for the night?”

He looked to the end of the hall, the faint smile on his lips dropping so fast when he saw Sam. That smug smile was in place, a back in hand from when he and Natasha had gone to the store to get Andie some clothes. Turning on his heel, he quickly put more space between him and his friend. He didn’t need Sam’s comments. He really didn’t.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Sam asked, waving at his retreating form.

“Goodnight, Sam!”

“Night, Bucky.”

Sam laughed, unable to stop as he heard Bucky’s door slam at the end of the hall. Shrugging, he hung the clothes on the outside of Andie’s door. “Definitely will be taking that as a yes.”

-.-.-.-.-.-

Tag List:

@mr-robot-x

@lets–be-honest​

@buckyssoul​

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[tardytothepardy]

Fruits Basket - Vol.15

You think you know someone, and then it turns out you really, really don't. At least, you know a very small portion of that person.

In a pretty hefty chunk of this book, we get a massive flashback into Yuki's childhood. As expected, it wasn't that great. What I didn't expect is how bad it was. It was,,, honestly a lot.

So, because he is the Rat Boy, and because I guess the rat is the closest to God in this whole situation, Yuki ended up being around Akito for most of his childhood. It wasn't ever really anything he wanted to do, it was just something he had to do. And from the short glimpse we get of Akito as a little kid, it seems like he didn't use to be anywhere near as bad as he is in the present (which makes sense). He seemed to have a short temper, but other than that, there wasn't anything unusual. Until one random day, that is. Akito kinda flipped his shit, and has been that way since. How nice.

As a result of always being close to Akito, no one else really wanted to be around Yuki. And after Akito cracked a bit, and started saying that Yuki wasn't wanted, that he was unnecessary, and that no one liked him, Yuki didn't much like being around Akito, but he didn't have any choice. Some time around then, Yuki's parents seem to have kinda sold Yuki to appease Akito, so he didn't even have his family to fall back on. Ayame, his older brother, ignored his existence as a whole. Have we even met Yuki's father in this entire series?

So when Yuki first heard of Kyo, how he was left outside, Yuki was pretty curious. He was alone, and so was this mysterious cat person. Maybe they could be friends? But, of course, the second that Kyo saw Yuki, he blamed Yuki for basically everything that went wrong in his life, just because Yuki was the rat, and he was the cat. Before this point, the whole Juunishi thing doesn't really seem to affect Yuki much, he doesn't seem to categorize people based on what animal spirit they have, but I imagine that after this incident, maybe that changed. After that initial interaction with Kyo, Yuki didn't immediately hate him, he was just sad and confused, but moving on, I bet it was excellent fuel to the fire.

(Oh hey I'll just put this here, that after Kyo yelled at him for "ruining everything" and that everyone would be happier if he just disappeared, he ran into his mom again. He was upset, and probably could've used some nice comfort. Instead of that, he got slapped in the face. So. -1 for Yuki's mom.)

Do you remember way back, probably around the first books, when Yuki brought up that time that he accidently turned into a rat while playing with some kids in elementary school? It went over that. It was already a sad scene, but now there's this additional context that when he was playing around with the other kids, that was basically one of the first times that he was truly happy. But after he changed into a rat, well obviously that had to be covered up, so all those kids that he was starting to make friends with were made to completely forget about him. He wasn't back to square one, he was at square zero, because now he had had a taste of friendship, just for it to be taken away and replaced with Akito (and probably other people) shaming him for having the audacity of being born as a Juunishi, because he totally chose to be like that, right?

Another slight detour, the hat. So the hat was originally Kyo's, but after he saw Yuki holding it, he just decided that it wasn't his anymore. And, oh my fucking god? The following panels are fucking heart wrenching, it's terrible. Did no one hear Yuki crying, or did they just ignore it? Like, I don't like kids, I can't handle them when they're screaming (why do they scream so much it's weird) or crying, but oh my god, that hurts me. That panel hurts me. He just wants a family that loves and cares for him, that doesn't avoid or ignore him. (Put a pin in this sentiment, because it pops up later.)

After a steady diet of this kinda thing, with Akito's acidic words, people's general distaste or indifference for him, he started being scared to reach out to others. (Personally, I kinda feel like screaming at these people, like wtf is wrong with all of them) It's here when he just seems to kinda shut off. All this time, he's still sickly, and feeling like your life is without worth (and having your world confirm it everyday) doesn't exactly make you fight to stay healthy, y'know?

And here's when Yuki kinda is given a purpose, because after Akito visited him when his cough was acting up, and basically asked him, "Are you going to die yet? If you're gonna do it, just do it already", he left the house, and ran out randomly out in town in the early morning, where he overheard Kyoko screaming to the police about how her adorable little daughter in her adorable little dress with her cute hair in adorable little pom-poms was missing and she was going to tear down the town to find her. He kept running down some roads, until he did actually find that adorable little daughter.

On his end, it seemed to be a series of "Well shit. What now?" after finding her, and only continued as Tohru saw him and started following after him until he led her back to her house. This whole thing, as has been explained in previous books, was basically the first time in his life where someone needed him, specifically him, to help them. And that feeling, of knowing that he was able to help someone, and that he was needed, even for a little bit, was enough to pull him through.

Then we're pulled back to present, shortly after Machi broke open the closet door with a chair where Yuki was stuck in, which was the main thing that even started this whole thing, where he's explaining kind of why he came to see and/or love Tohru in maternal way. Thing is, just like when that was revealed, I still don't blame him for it. She's very caring. I'll admit (like Kakeru, who has kinda been there sitting with Yuki this whole time, apparently in silence) that I don't wholly understand it, on a personal level, but I can see why he thinks that. It makes sense.

Now onto to wacky happenings and zany shenanigans! The school is making a play, and Kyo's one of the main characters (despite never really showing that he has literally any interest in acting or theater, but yaknow whatever) in a Cinderella play, with Cinderella herself being played as Hanajima! This has already been brought up in the last book, but I'm just reiterating for fun or something idk

Tohru's having a hard time fitting into the role of an evil stepsister, to the point that she's worried about slowing others down because she just,,, can't,,, make,, herself,,,,, be,, meannnnn omigod it's so hard ;-; Additionally, Kyo's just not showing up for rehearsals and stuff, he's not even bothering. Probably bc it's embarrassing for him. And with these two main problems (the show can't go on if Prince Charming doesn't know his lines, after all), the play is altered, ever so slightly, so that it becomes "Sorta Cinderella". What a marvelous title.

Let's go back to that pin I mentioned earlier, with Yuki wishing he could have had a family that loved and cared for him.

So, before some of this stuff with the play, Yuki brought up The Hat, of the "It was first owned by Kyo but he later abandoned it after seeing that Yuki picked it up, and later wore that hat when he led Tohru back to her mom" fame, in a very off-handed manner. I think he just said that Tohru still has the hat, in her room, that's she's kept it all this time. This throws some unpleasant memories for Kyo into the air, and leaves him rather bitter.

Leading back to the main scene at hand, Kyo kinda goes off on Yuki, saying that Yuki was lucky: he had a mom and dad, he was needed, he was involved in the family matters. He's had it easy, had the world handed to him on a silver platter, and that he'll never understand what it's like to hope for something despite knowing he'll never get it. (and both times i've read that so far, i just want to yoink kyo into the beginning of this book, like, no dude. your childhood was fucked up, but so was his.) He stops mid-rant, however, when he sees that Yuki is not fighting back, at all, and when he remembers something that (probably) Akito said, that Kyo just uses Yuki as something he can hate. Naturally, why would you ever want to feed into something that Akito would say, so he stops, but not before punching a hole in a window. Ow.

Finally, we've gotten to the play, the main event! Hiro, Kisa, Momiji, and Haru (among others) are there to witness the,, the sight? (Idk man it's 12:30am) Hiro is acting strangled, as per usual, trying to keep Kisa away from all the creeps, but also trying his small-child most to not Mess Things Up, as he has a slight history of doing throughout the series thus far.

The play in of itself is pretty funny, personally I think the narrator was doing the heavy lifting in this one. But more importantly, there's a point where "Cinderella" asks "Prince Charming" if all he ever wants out of life is to hide away from people, locked away in his own space, dying alone, (which I heavily doubt was part of the script, because,, whoa) and partway through telling her that he wouldn't affect anyone if he did do that, the "Stepsister" (Tohru) interrupts him, saying that would make her... she stops herself, but one can assume that the end of that statement would likely be that, if "Prince Charming" (psh nah this isn't about the play anymore) Kyo were to do that, she would get very upset, and generally not have a good time. And he had the audacity to be surprised about that like wtf man.

After the play, Yuki runs into a group of girls that are harrassing Machi, because she said that Yuki isn't like a prince. She didn't explain herself after saying it, and so I suppose the Yuki Fan Club (or whatever it's called idk I'd be surprised but also not if it wasn't called that) took offense to her disagreeing with her. After being pushed around (literally), Machi says that Yuki just seems too lonely of a person to be a prince, that despite being surrounded by people, he just kinda seems out of it most of the time. Now, is that true? It kinda seems so, so, props to Machi for seeing that, hopefully she's not going to be kidnapped and tortured (idk stuff happens). Hearing Machi say all that does kinda startle Yuki, but the fight itself stops after Kakeru makes a fake announcement about a photoshoot with Yuki that makes the bullies scatter away.

And that's basically the end of it. Although the flashback thing with Yuki probably didn't even take up a third of the book, it was still some pretty heavy stuff, so it's nice that it was offset slightly with the play. I don't really have much else to say about that.

[caughtred90]

I suppose it's not unique to feel lost right now... I feel lost. More than lost I feel like I can't wake up. I want things to change. I want to wake up so I can stop just existing. This chapter of my life has drug on too long. The story of the last few years of my life is pathetic and embarrassing. So much so I've never told anyone.

There's a man laying in my bed right now. I've been sleeping on the couch after a "fight." It wasn't a fight though. Even though this was just one of countless fluster clucks in this situationship, it was a wake up call. Wtf am I doing? How is this my life? How can I change this?

This time it had started after I went to the store and picked up a fifth of vodka. I brought it home, took a shot, and laid down for a nap. When I got up I found the bottle almost empty. My SO was standing with his back to me staring out the front window. I asked what happened to the vodka? He turned around and opened his arms to hug me. I saw that he was sobbing. Truly sobbing.

Him: "I must have drank it."

Me: "what's wrong??"

Him: "I'm overwhelmed."

Me: "about what?"

Him: "everything."

I had never seen him like that. He held me for awhile and then abruptly let go. Turned around grabbed his keys and headed for the door.

Me: "babe, wait!! You shouldn't drive, I'll drive you!!"

Him: "it's alright babe."

Me: "well, then let me come with you!"

Him: "no."

Me: "at least take your phone with you!!"

Him: "it's alright babe."

He jumped in his truck and drove off. We live in a rural neighborhood and it takes awhile to get to town. I was hoping he would realize he shouldn't be driving and come right back. I waited for hours with every scenario running through my head. I checked hospitals, jails, and text his mother. Nothing. Finally, I hear his truck pull up. I run out to him through the rain in my socks. As I approached his truck he stumbled out of the truck door. He was holding another almost empty fifth of vodka. He was still sobbing, probably worse than before. Snot was all over his face and he could barely stand. I ran up to hug him, but he pushed me away.

Me: "are you crazy?? Do you know how scared I've been? Let's go inside!"

Him: "stop and shutup, just shut the hell up!"

Me: "babe you're drunk, let's go inside and lay down. Do you trust me?"

Him: "I told you to shut the hell up! Do you trust me? Do. You. Trust. Me??"

Me: (absolutely not) "yes..."

He drags me over to the passenger side of his truck. Everytime I ask what's going on he tells me to shutup. He opens the passenger door and I see that the seat is laid all the way down and there's a pile of what looks like coats in the seat. I could only see the front seat, he hadn't opened the rear door yet. As I go to ask him yet again wtf, something moves under the coats. I gasp and jump back. He moves the coats and I see the legs of a young woman. I lean into the truck to see the top half of her. I see a youngish native woman laying there limp with her eyes closed.

Me: *panicking*

Him: "she's hurt real bad, she needs help. She's hurting really bad."

Me *continues to try to get answers and being told to shut up*

Him: "she needs help! We have to help her!"

I finally got a hold of myself and told him I'm going to call 911. He tells me "don't you dare." The woman leaned up slightly and seemed to mutter "I'm out." He pushed her back down and was hushing and soothing her. I started walking back into the house to call for help with my SO cursing and threatening me. As I got to my phone he ran back to his truck and sped off. I called 911 but only got a busy tone. I finally got a hold of an operator about fifteen minutes after he left. They took my story and said they would keep an eye out.... I told his mom what was going on and asked that if he showed up there to please let me know. I didn't sleep a minute that night. Did he hit her? Is she ok? Is he ok? About six A.M. his mother text me that my SO was passed out on her couch and was heading home. Suddenly all the concern and fear gave way. By the time he got home I was livid.

I told him to pack his stuff and get out. I can't believe he would put me through this. I can't believe he spent the night with some other woman. He was immediately offended and started packing. Saying he can't believe after the night he had I would treat him like that. I finally broke down in tears. He told me his vague story about seeing this woman walking down the street near our house. She was native american and hard of hearing (he's both too). He wanted to help her. He said he drove her around for awhile and then dropped her off near his mom's house. That nothing happened. I countered that's what he used to tell me about his ex.... He swore up and down that was the farthest thing from his mind. I wanted to believe him. In that moment I needed to believe him. I was so relieved he was ok. Eventually, that feeling wore off though. I started thinking about his story. I finally asked what her name was, what was the name of the woman he was with...

Him: "I don't remember. Why?"

Me: "remember. You were with her all night, I'm sure it will come to you."

Him: "nope. I don't remember. Bummer. Why do you want to know anyway?"

Me: "because it matters to me and I want to know."

Him: "well, I don't remember and I'm not going to remember just because you want to know."

I felt my heart sink. Him not answering was an answer. Now, he's doing what he always does. Pretending nothing is wrong and that I'm making something out of nothing.

Even though I've been in a relationship with this man for six years, I have no idea who he is. I don't think I really knew what a compulsive liar was before I started dating him. I had no idea what gaslighting was. I had never had to deal with someone else's sexual issues. I'm not sure if these years have have left anything left of me or if I'm broken.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Baby Love -Part 6

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

A/N: Apologies my read more isnt working! WTF??

Chris had held my hand the entire the time we walked the red carpet, where as usually my arm would casually be linked with his when i attended events with him. When he stopped for photo's he pulled me close, his hand either resting on my hip or the small of my back. The press covering the Charity Event had been all over us as soon as it was apparent that i was now more than just a friend. This news had blown up on social media and gossip columns of course!

"Will you put that down and eat" Chris mumbled as he walked into the kitchen to find me on the ipad again.

"Its been days and their still going on about it! Your fans hate me now by the way!"

"Babe we knew they'd be some hate, just stop looking at it. Remember its not good for the baby if you stress yourself out" he said sitting next to me and pulling the ipad from my hands "no more of that"

"Fine" i rolled my eyes stabbing a piece of fruit and popping it in my mouth"

"It will calm down i promise"

"Yeah eventually, then we're gonna drop the baby bombshell and all hell will break loose again"

"It will be fine, im sure theres plenty of nice things being said. Its just your only looking at the bad"

"Your lucky i love you Evans" i shook my head as i stabbed another piece of fruit, when I looked up Chris was looking at me with a huge cheesy smile "why are you smiling at me like that?"

"You just said you love me" he said smugly, i instantly felt myself start to panic..... shit, was it too soon to admit that??

"Well of course i love you...." i shrugged casually even though my heart was racing "your my best friend...."

"I love you too" he said quickly stopping my nervous ramblings as he leant forward pressing a kiss to my lips. We were soon interrupted by my cell phone ringing "ignore it" he mumbled against my lips making me laugh.

"I cant its probably your mom"

"Way to kill the mood sweetheart"

"Im sorry baby" i reached for my phone and quickly answered before it cut off.

"Hi Lisa"

"Hey sweetie, the girls and me are going to take you out for lunch today"

"You don't have to do that, I'm fine i promise"

"Shanna said she had been texting you and you seemed down so we're taking you out to take your mind off it"

"I don't even have anything to wear, I'm still at Chris's...."

"Well, we'll pick you up at your place at say 13:00? That gives you plenty of time to get home and dressed for lunch"

"Yeah okay, i guess that works"

"Okay, well i'll let you go and i'll see you at 13:00"

"See you then" i ended the call and turned to Chris "i gotta go"

"What, why?"

"Your mom and sisters are taking me to lunch to cheer me up apparently"

"So why do you have to leave now?"

"Because i haven't got anything to wear here, everything i had is dirty and i cant go to lunch in your shirt" i rolled my eyes at him "id better get my stuff together and get home. Their picking me up at 13:00" i gave him a quick kiss and walked out heading to his bedroom to get my things.

After shoving my dirty clothes back into my bag and pulling on my shorts i headed back out to find Chris sitting at the dining table staring out the window.

"You okay?" I asked running my fingers through his hair and placing a kiss to the side of his head. Chris looked up at me nodding with a smile before pulling me into his lap.

"I don't want you to go" he pouted making me chuckle.

"I gotta go baby, you know how difficult it is to tell your mom and sisters no"

"Move in with me" he suddenly said, i thought he was joking but when i leant back to look at him he was obviously being dead serious.

"What??"

"It makes sense that you move in, i mean your here with me more than your at your place anyway. Plus i want you and the baby here with me"

"Your serious aren't you...."

"Of course i am, it feels right when your here"

"Okay...." i nodded with a smile "if your sure thats what you want?"

"Yes!!"

"I still gotta go now though" i laughed before kissing him quickly and jumping up "i love you!" I called as i neared the front door.

"I love you too!".

Lunch was at a little place called 'Lou's' it was a small family run Italian place Chris and I found years ago and absolutely loved. We were seated in back as soon as we arrived and the four of us were soon eating lunch and chatting away.

"I still cant believe you and Chris are finally together" Carly said taking a mouthful of her wine "and... pregnant" she whispered the last part.

"Yeah i know, it came as a bit of a shock to us too but I'm glad it happened. His honestly the best man i know" i said feeling myself blush.

"I think you make a cute couple" Shanna added smiling at me, we'd always gotten along well she was one of my closest friends.

"Thanks Shan, that means alot" i picked up my glass of water and took a sip.

The waitress approached our table offering to top up the wine glasses, as she got to mine i stopped her quickly and just asked for some more water. She looked at me with raised eyebrows, her name was Debra and she was so used to serving Chris and me and me usually drinking too much wine!

"Your not drinking?"

"Jesus Debra, you say that like Ive got a drinking problem" i joke with her "no, I'm just not feeling too great today so avoiding the alcohol"

"Your not pregnant are you!?" She laughed.

"Oh god no! Im fine really"

"Okay just checking" she winked and walked off.

"When are you guys gonna announce the news?" Shanna asked quietly from beside me.

"If i had my way? Never!"

"Sweetheart you'll be fine" Lisa added trying to be supportive, the truth was there was nothing anyone could say that would make me believe it would be okay.

"Im terrified, the things ive read online since that Charity Gala.... i can only imagine what will be said about this"

"We're all here for you both, you can always come to Boston and stay with us if you need a break"

"Thank you Lisa, when do you all head back to Boston?"

"End of the month, we'll come back nearer the time of.... you know" she nodded at my stomach.

"You don't have to do that...."

"I want to, your gonna need family around you"

"Im coming too!" Shanna added taking hold of my hand.

"You guys are the best, I've always thought of you as family.... you know i don't have anything to do with my own family...so I'm grateful for you all"

While we were eating desert i got a message from Chris.

Hey sweetheart, your coming back here tonight right? Xx

"Is that brother of mine texting you already?" Shanna nudged me playfully.

"Yeah" i smiled as i replied to the message.

Hey babe, yeah i'll be back tonight after I've picked up some clean clothes and things xx

You need me to pick you up? Xx

Sure, i'll text you when I'm home. We're just finishing up desert shouldn't be much longer xx

I'll be waiting for your message, i miss you! Xx

Your so needy! :p xx

Miss you too though xx

"I'll be right back, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom" i told the girls before getting up and making my way out back.

Once i was done and was making my way back to our table i was suddenly approached by a guy holding a camera who was constantly snapping photo's of me.

"Excuse me sir you cant be in here doing that!" I heard Lou say loudly and start to lead the guy out, even then he didn't stop snapping photo's. Lisa, Shanna and Carly came rushing over hearing the commotion and got me back to our table hidden in the back.

"You okay hun?" Carly asked sitting me down in my chair.

"Yeah, just wasn't expecting that as soon as i stepped out of the bathroom"

"What an asshole" Shanna muttered making me laugh.

"Y/N I'm so sorry, i didn't see him come in" Lou said as he approached our table.

"Its fine Lou, you can't keep them away all the time" i smiled at him, once he could see we were okay he got back to work.

"Well so much for cheering you up" Lisa scoffed picking her wine glass up and drinking the rest in one gulp.

"You did cheer me up, I've had a lovely afternoon" i said truthfully even though i couldn't wait to get home to Chris.

We settled the bill and got back to the cars, 30 minutes later i was home and packing my bag ready to head to Chris's.

Hey, what the hell happened at lunch? You got papped?? Xx

Yeah, guy just started taking photo's as i came out of the bathroom. It was fine Lou got him out xx

Your sure your okay? Xx

Im fine, come get me? Im Just finishing up packing my things xx

Im leaving now, wont be long xx

While i sat waiting for Chris the notifications on my social media accounts started going crazy! I opened one and saw a photo of me sitting having lunch with Chris's family, the caption stating how things must be getting serious if I'm having lunch with his family. The comments were mostly people saying how i didn't deserve to be with Chris and how much better he could do than me, that i was only with him for the fame and money.... i couldn't stop the tears that ran freely down my face.

Baby love tags: @jennmurawski13 @mybabyboytony

@ms-betsy-fangirl @vampgirl1997 @ajosieface

@afuckingshituniverse @chmedic @esoltis280

@southerngracela @bethabear12 @letsdisneythings

@sellulii @patzammit @katiew1973

[asgardianthot]

A funeral chuckle (Sambucky AU) – Part 2

one  /  two  /  three

Summary: After the loss of a family member, Sam returns to his hometown, where an old crush awaits.

A/N: this is so much dialogue wtf somebody revoke my writer card

Words: 4276

Warnings: grief, angst, closeted gay characters

As soon as the waiter deposited their orders and walked away, Sam took a sip from his large mug. He first tasted the hot chocolate and looked at James, who monitored his every move, like he awaited for confirmation. Then, he took a big sip, nodded in approval and wiped his lip while Bucky smiled, pleased with himself. A big ‘told you so’ could be read across the latter’s features.

“You were right.” Sam nodded while pacing the mug down, “This was a good idea. Just what I needed.”

Bucky reached for the muffin Sam had ordered for himself and took a piece. It certainly was noticed by Wilson, who spent the following minute or so analyzing this man’s actions and gestures. He was comfortable enough to pick from Sam’s order without even asking –he was blunt in a way that seemed like he wasn’t thinking about what he was doing– and still, he shifted in his seat because of how anxious silence made him. Almost like he believed to be causing the silence by doing something wrong.

“Can I try to guess?” the brunette eventually set the tone for the topic of conversation.

He had just saved Sam from a potential nervous collapse at his father’s wake, after all. That, plus the fact that the last time they’d seen each other they were romantic teenagers sharing escapade kisses, did not leave room for a light nor casual chat about the weather.

“Guess what?” Sam raised his eyebrows as he approached the mug to his lips.

“Was it a weird relationship?” he broke the ice abruptly, “With your dad. Is that why you’re being weird about it?”

“Is it so obvious?” Sam smirked at the ‘weird’ part; he took a large bite of his muffin before sliding the plate closer to Bucky, so that he could have a piece, “It’s complicated, yeah. Wish I could just cry and say he had a great life, like my mom does…”

“But?”

Sam sighed, “But I never opened up to him. Not the way I should have.” He glanced stared down at his beverage and shook his head, “It just feels… I don’t know.”

Seeing how Sam’s face shut down of all light, as well as his body shrugged at the end of his almost sentence, Barnes decided to help him out.

“Does it feel like you weren’t ready to say goodbye?” he awaited until Sam nodded before continuing, “What do you wish you’d told him?”

Wilson inhaled a deep, loud breath and allowed a defeated smile to rearrange his expression.

“That’s rough.” He practically chuckled, “Well, I should have come out to him. I kept that from him all his life as a father. How- how selfish is that?”

Sour sadness filled Bucky’s gut, but he understood the man sitting in front of him, more than he could ever know. James’ father died before Bucky even knew what sexual orientation was. He had to come out to his mother all on his own, hoping she, the woman who constantly reminded him he was everything she had, wouldn’t drift apart. So, he reached for Sam’s hand and placed his on top, supportively.

“It’s not.” He said softly, but not condescendingly, “It ain’t easy. I think you… let him love you. That’s gotta be enough, right?”

Letting the comforting words sink in, Wilson gifted Bucky a small, yet warm smile.

“When did you become the expert in grieving?” he mocked.

Bucky laughed and retracted his hand from Sam’s, which left the latter a tingling sensation of withdrawal. He took a sip from the chocolate before replying.

“I’ve been to more funerals that I can count.” He explained with partial amusement, “Sometimes I think I’m bad luck or something, you know? People around me just… die.”

Sam frowned at the sound of such theory. Both of them engaged in a deep stare off in expectance of the other to comment on it, until Sam broke character and burst out laughing, which resulted in Bucky chuckling as well. When the laughing ceased, and the interaction drowned for a bit, Bucky returned to a former topic.

“You know, if you ever want- or feel like you have to…” he shrugged at his own words with uncertainty, “I came out… here. Last year, and they weren’t too bad about it. I mean, I was the town’s gossip, obviously, but I think they were excited to have an openly gay man among them.”

The image coerced a big laugh into Sam’s lips. They really are too suburban.

"That's great.” Sam replied genuinely, “But I don't think I'm gonna stay here. I can't stand the church people, especially after that shit show.

Bucky understood the discomfort. People who grew up and raised children in the same old bubble and only ever had a life in their small town could come across as tedious. Clichés, even. But the brunette had gotten used to them over the past year. He saw them more as a quaint image than a dreadful stereotype. Unfortunately, that was nowhere near the impression Samuel had gotten at church that day, and he made sure to express that.

"So many people cannot share the same grief, it's impossible.” He shook his head, reflecting on the masses of hypocritically religious women weeping over their favorite minister, “Funerals make no sense."

Bucky raised his eyebrows and nodded in agreement, and still, he found something nice to say.

"Yeah, but, you know? I don't mind them. There's something... nice about them."

"Which part? The death of a loved one?" Wilson joked as he played with some crumbs that had fallen on the table.

The dark humor really got to Bucky, so he was unable to conceal a chuckle. He shook his head and held the mug tighter before engaging in a rambling speech about his picturesque view of funerals.

"I don't know, I was way too young when my dad died. I didn't really... understand anything that was going on, so I never thought of grief as such a dark thing, you know?” he tilted his head to the side, thinking hard on his thesis, “You just get dressed and meet a bunch of people and you're all super quiet."

Samuel felt like he wasn’t sharing the same point of view, but he got that part. It was actually just a formal gathering that everyone simply grew used to. It shouldn’t be a big deal.

"Yeah, it's a borderline funny picture."

Bucky nodded again, smiling.

"And you're right, nobody griefs the same way. But that's even more interesting. You got people feeling horrible pain, some folk are pretty empty inside, some are there to play-pretend, you know, faking it makes them feel important. And still, in the end, no matter how much your senior class tries to turn this into a shit-show, it’s pretty intense. In a very… unique way.”

Although Barnes was waiting for Sam to make fun of his words, but when he looked into his eyes he found the man to be very attentive. There was no mocking grin, no hint of disapproval, but an utter wish to comprehend.

“How?” he asked, eager to continue listening to a man that sounded, at the moment, more fascinating than he remembered.

Taken off guard, Bucky cleared his throat and sat straighter, then glanced at Sam a little embarrassed.

"Well, it's still a place of really intense feelings.” He explained while losing the awkwardness, “And I don't just mean the sadness, or the anger... I don’t know. Ever heard a funeral chuckle?"

That time, Sam had to frown, "A what?"

“You know! When… someone's hurting so bad that they're kinda surrounded by this dark cloud. They're crying, you can tell they have the heaviest heart in the entire service, and all of a sudden they burst out laughing."

Sam’s interest in whatever went down in Bucky’s mind was becoming bigger by the second, "Why do they?" he questioned truthfully.

"Doesn't matter.” Barnes brushed it off with a glint of joy in his eyes, fueled by the memories of the many times he had seen one of those, “Someone says something funny. Or, the priest starts singing.” He laughed out loud at the thought he himself had conveyed, “And it's just the most amazing laugh, it's such an intense feeling."

Wilson was captivated. Bucky had such a peculiar way of seeing the world. Of experiencing it. For a man who worked with grieving veterans, Sam had never heard such a beautiful way of describing funerals. Neither had he heard of a man who collected the so-called ‘funeral chuckles’. That was captivating by itself.

"Sounds lovely." Sam brought himself to reply after a moment of silent appreciation, only because the quiet seemed to make Bucky nervous.

"It is.” Bucky suddenly looked at Sam rather mischievously, “I, uh… I was hoping it would be yours in this one."

The sentence brought a warm blush to Sam’s face. Bucky had a way of making him feel like he was in on a secret, like they had a natural complicity, or some underground operation. Now that he thought about it, it made perfect sense: they did have a complicity born out of secrecy. They used to run away at night to kiss inside of closets –the irony being painfully obvious there, and somehow none of them ever made a joke about it–, they used to leave notes on each other’s backpacks and pray that the appellee would find it, only for it to read ‘meet me at the parking lot, 10pm’. So, after all, yes, the pair were the only ones to know a very private secret. It was only natural to act like it.

Snapping back into the conversation, Sam lamented not being able to cry at his father’s funeral, and therefore, not being able to provide a tearful chuckle for Bucky’s collection. That ship had sailed the second they walked away from the local church.

"I'll settle for some funeral coco." Sam raised his mug with pride.

Bucky reciprocated with joy and satisfaction for having helped Sam when he needed to get away. They spent a long time sitting there with empty mugs, battling over the last crumbs of blueberry muffin, and catching up. Bucky told Sam about the many, many jobs he’d had in the past, and how he had come back home after quitting his last gig on moral basis. Sam opened up about his tours in Afghanistan and his work as a vet counselor. Eventually, the sun shone less bright outside, and the ticking clock inside Sam’s gut told him they should go find his mom.

-

Back at the Wilson’s house, a small group of people had continued followed to continue their grievance. It momentarily made Sam want to leap off the second-story window, but he managed to conceal his annoyance. Basically because his mom didn’t seem to mind; some of them were close friends and others church friends, and Darlene didn’t look for a second like she wanted some peace in her home. On the contrary, she began serving beverages to the guests, immediately.

Steve and his mother Sarah were there as well, the latter chatting with some neighbors while Steve stood by the staircase and made himself look rather secretive with Bucky. Both men could tell that Sam was overwhelmed. He had been, back at the church, and he definitely was now.

“Maybe we should leave.” Steve pondered.

“I don’t know.” Bucky replied with a sigh, then leaned against the staircase wall, “None of these people are gonna leave. He kinda needs us here.”

Steve examined his friend’s face for a good amount of seconds. He narrowed his eyes, and that’s when Bucky noticed the excess of contemplation.

“What?”

“Where’d you go during the service?” the blonde asked without ado.

Bucky knew this was the beginning of an interrogation, and he knew what his friend’s suspicions were.

“Took Wilson away from there, why?”

“Where?”

“Just a coffee place. Why?”

Steve’s lips curled up in an almost unnoticeable smirk, yet it didn’t go unnoticed by Barnes.

“What’s your deal?” the latter began growing hyper-defensive on his behalf.

-

“Can you get the nice dishes, Sammy?” Darlene asked his son as she opened up cabinets on her tidy kitchen, rummaging for supplies.

Samuel merely stood there, trying not to let out everything he opined in a rude way. However, it did make him upset that his mother was working when she should have been resting. She was the widow, she shouldn’t have to do anything at all. He, himself would have done the work for her, but the point wasn’t about who prepared food and drinks, instead it had to do with the fact Darlene wanted to do it. She allowed those people in her house. A simple ‘I’m tired’ would have been enough to get rid of them by her doorstep.

“Why don’t we just send them all home?” Sam offered.

“They’re here to accompany us in a time of grief. The least we can do is serve them.” The woman explained, still focusing on the cabinets, “Especially since you left your father’s service.”

There it was. He knew she wouldn’t let it go just like that. In fact, Sam was waiting for her to bring it up.

“Okay, so you’re mad at me.” He took a deep breath, then crossed his arms over his chest, “Just tell me.”

“I’m not mad. I need you to get the nice dishes.”

He rolled his eyes, but didn’t give up on her maybe changing her mind.

“Mama, let’s just go to bed.”

Unfortunately, this time, he didn’t even get a response. Darlene opened the fridge and took out some vegetables, which she seemed more than happy to wash and cut. Meanwhile, Sam got the dishes she asked for and returned with them, peacefully. The widow already had a pile of chopped carrots when her son placed the items on the table. Therefore, understanding that she, just as Sam had experienced that morning, needed to keep herself busy, Samuel dropped the subject of work or not work. Instead, he went back to the church incident.

“I’m sorry I bailed at church.” He said with honesty, then sighed before launching his explanation, for he knew his mama wouldn’t enjoy it.,“But I came here for a funeral, not a circus.”

As expected, the woman turned around dramatically and raised her voice, “Nobody dragged you down here, Samuel. If you didn’t want to mourn your father, you shouldn’t have come at all. But you’re in my house, and we will honor Paul here. Is that clear?”

Sam kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to mourn his father. He didn’t want to come to that god-awful town and he definitely didn’t want to spend time with the grieving circus. But he had done it for her, because he wouldn’t ever leave his mother alone when she needed him. Regrettably, she needed a version of her Sammy that he couldn’t offer at the moment.

“The door’s right there if you’re planning on being disrespectful.” She insisted after a long moment of tense silence.

And so, Sam went for the door. As he headed out, he almost bumped into Bucky.

“Back off, Rogers, will ya?” he had brushed his friend’s allegations and walked away.

Sam was faster, though, and Barnes had to stop in his tracks and watch him walk away. He shot a confused glance in Steve’s directions, who raised his eyebrows with just as much uncertainty. Since none of them was moving to do anything, Bucky decided to follow after Sam. He found the man sitting on the grass, outside.

“Everything okay?” Bucky asked as he approached him slowly.

Sam looked down at his expanded legs and replied, “Absolutely not.” He chuckled, sarcastically, “But thanks for asking.”

“You want me to leave you alone?”

“No, please.” Sam almost begged, and so, Bucky sat down right next to him, “I think you’re the only one here who actually gets me.”

Bucky snorted in a failed attempt to conceal laughter, which caused Sam to face him with a big, questioning frown.

“I’ve always got you, Sam.” Barnes explained with an amused smile, “I’m just trying to make myself useful. You look like you could use a friend.”

No matter how badly Wilson wanted to go over the topic of Bucky getting him, he felt himself needing another answer more urgently.

“Is that what you are?”

Bucky’s head lulled to the side while he thought it through, “Well, it’s shorter than ‘childhood crush turned secret kissing buddy turned stranger’.”

Sam burst out laughing, feeling himself, once again, easy and relaxed around Barnes. He tried to remember if that was the case when they were teenagers, and ended up concluding that it was probably the opposite.

“Why did we ever stop talking?” Sam sent the question out into the night sky.

“I think it was easier.” Barnes replied truthfully, “We were pretty confused, back then. And you moved away pretty quickly, so…”

As the sentence trailed off, Sam found himself looking at Bucky longer than he had intended to. It didn’t take another minute of comfortable silence for him to reach for Bucky’s cheek. Once he was cupping the man’s face, he leaned in and planted a kiss on his lips. The familiar knot in his stomach was present, like they were confused kids again, only this time, they were much more confident of themselves and of the other’s attraction. He felt that pull, that invisible energy that Bucky radiated and made Sam drawn to him.

He felt the butterflies again.

As soon as they broke apart, though, Bucky narrowed his eyes.

“What?”

“You know, in the movies…” Barnes began, causing Sam to roll his eyes, “…when the character’s going through something… emotionally, so they’re like-“

“Like they need to feel something so they kiss whoever out of impulse?” Sam finished the sentence for him, raising an eyebrow with disbelief; when Bucky shrugged, Sam lowered his head in order to come across more serious regarding his intent, “Not what’s happening.”

“You sure?”

A dumb grin took over Sam’s features.

“You’re not a distraction. You’re actually the only person keeping me sane right now. And I just remembered… we used to do that before. Just be there for each other.”

They never said anything like it explicitly, and both of them always pretended they were just messing around, but more than once had they found each other sharing advice, or support, or the occasional bro hug. The second the memory hit Bucky’s brain, he held Sam’s cheekbones and launched himself for a kiss. This one was deeper, more decided, and definitely more longing.

Barnes broke apart to catch his breath and pressed his forehead against Sam’s, "God, I liked you so much when we were kids, you have no idea." He laughed.

"I think I did.” Sam said suddenly, earning a deep stare from the man who’d kissed him, “Cause I was mad about you. You were the most interesting person I'd ever met, and all these years later, you still are.” He reached for Bucky’s chin and grabbed it gently, “Buck, you're... amazing, you have such a huge heart. I hope you know that."

Bucky’s smile was smaller now. It was less honest, because he wanted to believe Sam. It was appreciative, but not necessarily in agreement. However, hearing Sam say it was definitely more convincing than anything else. If Sam Wilson believed in Bucky’s heart like that, then perhaps he was good. He gave Wilson a kind kiss that was charged with gratitude.

"Hot coco?" He offered.

-

After sharing one –smuggled– cup of hot coco outside, talking for hours, sharing the occasional kiss and eventually, holding hands under the night sky, the guests began abandoning the Wilson residence. And so, their wired instinct of inducing distance between them in front of other people kicked in. eventually, they walked back inside to an empty house.

Darlene was in the kitchen, doing dishes and putting things back in their place with Steve and his mom, a scene which Sam and Bucky joined. As a matter of fact, Bucky made himself extra useful that night, helping Darlene with absolutely everything before she even asked. It made Sam’s stomach churn in a good way to think that he was probably behaving like that to win over his mom.

-

“Can I come in?” Sam heard the feminine voice accompanied by a knock on his door.

He looked up to find his mother leaning over the doorframe, and he nodded. He sat on his childhood bed, waiting for a lecture but instead was met by Darlene taking a seat right next to him. She wanted to make peace. So, he placed his hand on top of hers, which earned him a kind smile.

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna mourn, baby.” She said.

It suddenly sounded like she had talked to Bucky or something. Perhaps she had.

Instead of going on that topic, he took a big breath and decided that he had spent enough time keeping the main information from her. It was not only necessary to understand Sam’s feelings regarding Paul’s death, but also because if not now, he would never gather the courage to do so. It felt like he had nothing to lose now.

"Mama, there's a reason why you've never met any of my girlfriends." He began.

Darlene tilted her head and smiled, "Because there haven't been any."

"And there's a reason for that as well."

"Darling, I know."

Sam’s eyes shot wide open.

"You do?"

"Oh, Sammy, I've always known.” She said almost amused as she held her son’s hand tightly, “I didn't ask because I didn't want to push you. You've always been secretive."

Processing the harsh information, Samuel nodded to himself.

"I never wanted to. I just... I was never able to be honest, because I felt like I could never tell dad. So I kind of... hid."

A contemplative and partially sad grin took Darlene’s big motherly smile’s place. She tapped Sam’s hand with her palm.

"I don't know if your father even thought about it.” She admitted, “But, you have to know that he never would have judged you. He loved you, Sammy."

Sam wanted to believe that. He wanted to imagine a world where he had been open with his dad, and was met with acceptance and support. He wanted to believe his dad wouldn’t even have treated him differently. Unfortunately, the chance was long lost.

"I guess we'll never know.” He mumbled.

The widow received that as her cue to give him some space, so she stood up and dropped a kiss onto Sam’s forehead before walking away. Still, right before crossing the doorframe, she turned around.

"You know who I really like?” She changed her attitude suddenly, to a much more joyful one, “That Barnes boy."

Sam had to laugh, because it sounded like she was referring to the neighbor’s kid. Who, in retrospective, he technically was, but she said it like they were teenage boys and she was setting him up. If she knew, she could have been in on the joke and they could have laughed together. But Sam thought it’d be better to break it all down one step at a time.

“Don’t." He warned her, still mocking.

"Okay.” She raised her hands in her defense, “Good night."

With his light now turned off, Sam rolled around in his bed for what seemed like an eternity. He couldn’t sleep, no matter how tired he was. Too much had happened in the past few hours. Hell, it had been one of the most intense days of the decade. Flying to his hometown, his father’s funeral, reuniting with Barnes, kissing Barnes…

What exactly was it that happened with Barnes? What it meant for them conjointly, or what it meant for Sam’s future, were too unclear and uncertain. He would have to go back to DC eventually. Which reminded Sam that his mother would now visit him by herself. She was by herself. Perhaps he could do the effort and come and visit her.

But that meant meeting with Barnes every time he came back, and so his brain returned to the same point. What could they become? Not the only two gay men in town, that was for sure. He couldn’t live with that label. And he definitely couldn’t live under his father’s shadow with that label… or at all. He couldn’t live without his father.

The mess of complex thoughts clouded not only Sam’s ability to fall asleep, but his judgement as well. When he checked the clock, it was 3am already. It was 3am in that god-awful town, and he didn’t want to spend another minute there. So he turned on the light on his nightstand and turned on his laptop, typed in a few airlines sites and bought a ticket for the first plane he could hop on.

-

Bucky woke up late, by the sound of Wanda dropping a few pans in the kitchen, as usual. The flashes of the day before came plummeting, and he felt fuzzy by just thinking of Sam’s kiss. So he grabbed his phone and decided to text him, ask him to meet or just talk.

Yet, Sam had been faster. He’d sent a text at six in the morning.

I’m sorry for leaving without notice. My plane leaves in 5 so I can’t really turn back now.

Thank you for everything. I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell Steve about us? Again, sorry.

[ego-sum-id-quod-cantum-ludere]

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN AN OLD PEOPLE'S APARTMENT BUILDING

Holy shit, I haven't even been living in here for two months, and I'm going to be living here for at least another five. All I want to do here is make myself bedridden because that's the only thing that can go okay.

Before I get into this, I would like to say this for context: My dad decided that the pandemic was the best time to sell the house that I grew up in, and so he did. He wanted my two siblings and me to live with him in this apartment building meant for the elderly, but four people can't fit in an apartment for two. So we tried getting a double for my sister and me, but there weren't any available. The only available space was the common room that was being unused because of the pandemic. So that's where we're living.

THOUGH ADVICE IS HELPFUL, THIS POST IS MOSTLY FOR VENTING!

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T TELL US TO GET A JOB OR GET A DIFFERENT APARTMENT OR ASK WHERE MOM IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW OUR SITUATION, AND THIS IS ONLY A SMALL PORTION OF THE PROBLEM WE'VE BEEN PUT IN!

Now that that's out of the way, these are the problems that have occurred thus far:

1. Old people trying to break in.

I swear to God, the next time a Boomer with dementia tries to break in the room, I'm going to flip my shit.

Just today, there was an old lady who tried to break in THREE times. She got in successfully once because we had to leave the door unlocked for the workers to get in and try to fix the problems we were having with the pipe. The first thing she did was TAKE OFF HER MASK! The second thing she did was ask if there were other people in here, and my sister and I said, "No, we live here now." And then, she nearly brought herself to tears over her story of how she likes the piano and her father was a professional pianist, and that she misses the people. And we had to say, "Sorry, but we live here now" and send her on her way. Because we live here now. So then she leaves and we lock the door.

If we had left the piano open, or if she noticed the keyboard behind me, she NEVER would have left!

NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES LATER, she returns to our door and tries to unlock the door with her keys!

We've told the owner multiple times about this since people try to break in almost every day, but the problem is that no matter how many times he tells all the old people that we live here, there will always be at least one person that forgets and tries to break in, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Also, as I was writing this post, someone else tried to break in (or maybe it was the same person trying to break in) YET AGAIN!

And then after my siblings and I had dinner, someone tried the handle on the doorknob FOUR  SEPARATE TIMES! With a total of NINE TIMES that this has happened in one day, it has been a new personal record. Usually, it has only been once or twice a day.

2. AC problems

Bugs can easily get in the building through the vents when the AC is turned off. One time, a wasp got in here.

The filters only get replaced once a year. As far as I know from previously living in a home with an HVAC system, the filters are supposed to be replaced every 1 to 3 months.

You can't put things up against or near the vents, otherwise problems will occur.

The AC has leaked before. Thankfully, there were little to no damages, but now I'm afraid to leave it on for long periods of time.

3. THE MAIN PIPE OF THE BUILDING IS EXTREMELY CLOGGED, and it just so happens that the young folks here are the ones to notice something going on.

When we first moved in, we noticed a puddle of dirty water coming up from the bathtub drain, and we didn’t know where it was coming from or why it was happening. So we called someone in to examine it, and all he said was that they knew of this problem but didn’t want to do anything to fix it. So we had to accept that this was a problem that couldn’t be fixed (or that the owner didn’t want to fix it).

From then on, we assumed that the water came from one of our neighbors. We tried ways to bypass this issue while we were taking a shower, such as leaving the drain closed, and letting the water from the shower fill up the tub a bit before opening the drain. However, there was still dirty water coming up at times, and we don’t know why.

LAST NIGHT, however, we heard a strange bubble coming from the kitchen sink, and it turned out that the dirty water that would usually come up in the bathtub WAS FILLING UP THE SINK! So we had to call someone about this, and they came in this morning to check it out. They tried using a plunger in the sink, but more water kept coming up the garbage disposal. That’s when they realized that THE WHOLE PLUMBING SYSTEM IN THE BUILDING WAS CLOGGED! THE MAIN PIPE WAS CLOGGED! So now they have to figure out how to unclog the main pipe. That will be an update for a later time.

Update: apparently, this exact same problem happened a few years ago! This clearly shows how fucked-up the plumbing system is in this building - that the MAIN pipe of the building gets clogged EVERY FEW YEARS!

Update 2: The sink bubbled up again and now has more water in it.

4. The owner is shady as fuck.

The owner of the building is the original owner’s grandson. Ok, cool, he got a family business going. That’s cool and all, but why does his personality creep me out so much?

When he first met me, he thought that I was the mom, that I was the one running the show. But I’m not the mom, and I’m not even the one “running the show”. He knows full well that my dad was the one who decided to make my siblings and me live in a Boomer building, and my sister (bless her soul) is the one who is taking care of my brother and me (but it’s not like my dad will ever acknowledge that).

The way he talks is very strange, too, as if he’s trying to coo force me to be comfortable. And he blows me kisses too, like wtf? I understand doing that to your grandson, but doing that to a stranger, let alone a grown-ass adult is creepy.

He also has immigrant workers, which is not inherently bad, but on the day we were moving in, he showed my dad a text of one of the workers being deported back to the Dominican Republic. So either the immigrant workers are there undocumented or they did have a Visa or green card that expired and the owner didn’t let them renew their Visa/green card. If it’s the latter, then holy shit that’s fucked up. Also, I wonder how well they’re being treated in general when they’re working, or how much they get paid compared to other non-immigrant workers (oh wait, they can’t figure that out because we live in a culture that refuses to let their workers talk about their salaries in fear of demanding better wages, whoops).

5. The Wifi breaks every so often.

It’s not as big of a deal as the others on here, but it is annoying.

There’s constantly been construction going on in the street adjacent to the apartment building, and one time the cable got cut out. It took a few hours for the problem to be fixed.

It’ll be more annoying if the Wifi breaks while I’m trying to attend classes on Zoom or doing homework.

6. Other general bug problems

The bugs that my sister and I get are mostly mosquitoes, gnats, and other flies. In my dad’s apartment, where my brother sleeps, there are big black beetles everywhere! We don’t know if they’re cockroaches or not, but he gets many of them flying and crawling in his room every night, and he has to lose hours upon hours of sleep whacking these bugs with a fly swatter until they’re dead. And once he kills one, another starts flying around. We have no idea where these ones are coming from either.

In conclusion, this apartment building is very problematic, and the only reason why other people haven’t complained about the problems of this building is that they’re old and are less likely to notice or care about these problems. I wouldn’t be surprised if the walls have asbestos in them. Unfortunately, I have to be stuck here for at least another five months, maybe more if this pandemic rages on for decades (thanks in no part to the government - oh, whoops, I’m not supposed to say that, lol).

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading this post. Again, this post was mostly for venting, but some helpful advice on how to get out of this situation (or at least not feel like I’m suffering so much) would be appreciated.

If you’re living in a similar situation as I am, I do have one piece of advice for you - don’t go to Quora and anonymously ask questions. They WILL bully you.

[kileyrose-2003]

Rose the Hat x Teen! Daughter Reader

A/N: @merci-bitch Hi love! This is Jen's request. I hope she/you enjoy it. I'm sorry it took so long to write but I wrote way more than I thought I was going to end up with and I preferred everyone had quality over just another fic to look at. This gets really angsty and sad at times, way more than I planned so hope that's okay.

I highly recommend reading this one in one sitting because if you read part 2 in broken pieces, it might get a little confusing with how trippy it is at one point. Ik you're probably like, trippy? Wtf? This is a hurt/comfort fic with a little angst. It'll make sense one you read it. Trust me. It goes with the backstory/plot. Anyways, I hope all is well with everyone and love you guys :) I have 2 other imagines I'm still working on that should be up soon hopefully.

Warnings: Mentions of miscarriage, child death, violence, violence against children

Pt. 1

Rose the Hat could say she was a lot of things in the 700 years she had been alive but for most of that time, a mother was not one of them.

She tried to be. She really did. The first time she felt a life blooming inside her was nearly two years before she was turned way back in the early 14th century when she was still known by her rube name Rose O'Hara.

Her life was a mystery to everyone including herself. Though her relationship with her mother was short lived, Rose could distinctly remember the woman got around.

Rose got around as well. She didn't know who the child's father was when she found out she was pregnant but nevertheless, she loved the baby. She savoured each kick to felt to her hand she felt as she slept in her cold and torrid room above the local pub. The place permeated with alcohol and foreign tobacco but Rose didn't mind. She had a feeling she wasn't exactly going to be there much longer anyway. Something good was going to come her way in the future and she hoped her baby was going to be a part of it but that wasn't meant to be.

It was a pleasant pregnancy but the labor did not go smooth. There was blood. Too much to mean any good.

She felt the loss of life before she was even told by one of the women she shared her room with that "the lord works in mysterious ways." It would of been a girl, probably special like her too but that chance she had at normality or a chance to feel not as lonely was gone. Rose wasn't the same after that. She became more bitter, more cynical until Grampa Flick found her that day fateful in the streets of some market place that had long since changed names and purpose.

Rose fit in well with The True Knot and it didn't take her long to rise through the rank. She felt a sense of normality and complete for the first time in a while. All the previous pain she felt had been buried and she felt like she could breathe again.

Then she met Crow. Someone who she loved all the more for how special he was. When he first brought up the idea of children to her she was hesitant. The whole knot had been hesitant.

It was possible Grampa Flick had told them, but not likely they'd be able to have a child. They both tried for over 100 years. The two came close on one occasion to almost having the child make it but as expected, they failed.

It was a never ending cycle of joy turned to pain every time they tried again from the first kick to the question Rose seemed to always have on what would of been.

Crow was near at his wits end from the repeated pains of mourning when in the very early 2000s, the pregnancy test Rose always seemed to have in her trailer read pink.

It was not a surprise, as they had no problem making children, it was just the delivery that was the hard part. For the time in a while, Rose felt a strand of hope. Something about this time felt right to her. This one was powerful and horribly strong though Crow refused to get his hopes up.

"If it doesn't work this time," Crow started carefully as he laid next to her in bed one night holding them close to his body. "This is our last time trying."

Rose felt a strain of bitterness inside her. "The fuck did you just say?" She reiterated. "This is the last time, Rosie." She made a face and narrowed her eyes. "Did I say this is our last time trying?"

"For fuck sakes Rosie, we can't keep doing this to ourselves. This pain of trying and trying and no matter what getting the same end result. I'm telling you, don't get too hopeful yet. You know how it ends every single time. Why do you keep-"

"The question should be why do you keep doing it? I would of been perfectly fine to not have another. You're the one who said you wanted to have-"

"And you were the one who agreed and jumped on board right away." Rose rolled her eyes and elbowed him. "Oww!"

"You're acting like a child! Like you said before, don't get your hopes up. I'm telling you. Something great is coming this time. I can feel it." Crow sighed and shook. "If you say so, Rosie.." He was still skeptical though for the remaining months, cherishing every kick and little burst of energy he felt radiating off of Rose until she proved herself right.

The labor had been slow and painful this time but unlike all the other times, she didn't feel herself trying to pry back at the energy fading from her so fastly. The energy remained strong and she could feel her power booming. She had high hopes this one was going to be the one.

The grounds around the campsite they were staying at shook as she dealt with the hard task of delivering this time around. Once it ended there was dead silence for a moment and earth went back to its natural state.

In the midst of her pain, the sound of a cry in the distance rung in her ear and tears started flowing down her cheeks. "Would it of been a daughter or a son?" She rasped, staring up at the ceiling and still out of it. Then the more she listened she realized it wasn't Crow crying this time. It sounded faint, like a baby.

She turned her gaze to the foot of her bed and bit down on her lip as she seen Crow softly weeping as he cradled a pink bundle close to his chest. "Our blessed angel..it's a girl. Ten fingers, ten toes, and a good set of lungs."

Rose let out a sob. Nearly 150 years of taking blows back to back and they finally had the living child they always wanted. She held her arms out. "Let me see her." Crow handed you over to Rose being so gentle it was as if he was afraid he would break you.

Rose moved you close to her chest, making sure you got skin to skin contact with her. "Well, hi there angel. I'm your mommy." You let out a cry and Rose began to nurse you. "Shhh..it's okay my darling. Mommy and daddy's got you."

Your fussing began to subside and you curled your little body up into Rose's chest. Crow smiled with tears in his eyes and slipped next to Rose in her bed, running his one finger up and down your back.

You were so precious to them. "What are we naming her?" Rose thought about it for a moment and kissed the top of your head. "What about, Y/n?"

"Y/n..I like it. It suits her." Rose grinned and caressed your cheeks. "Welcome to the family, my Y/n.."

It took a while for The True Knot to get used to having a child around but once they did, they enjoyed you and you loved them in return.

It didn't take long for any of them to realize you were special like them. When you were happy, radios and tvs would turn on by themselves. Playing whatever song you liked that day and when you were upset about, rare but it did happen, sometimes light bulbs would blow out if your cries worsened and as you grew older it got stronger.

By the time you were 4, you were already having premonitions of things to come in the future and The Knot used it to their advantage. It was something the whole family thought Rose would be jealous of but she loved you all the the more for it.

She made sure you never wanted for anything growing up. Want that sundress with the ombre pattern? Done. You wanted a hug? She'd give you more than you even asked for throughout the course of the day. "Mama will fix it," Was a recurring phrase she often repeated to you and you believed it. You liked being around your mom she made you feel safe. Rose was safe.

Rose didn't like sharing you with the rest of your family, including your father, for that reason. It wasn't that she was trying to hide you from them. It was just that your bond was so strong and Rose was afraid of them weakening it. It caused more arguments with Crow than you could count on your fingers and eventually Rose caved in on letting him see you but she didn't care.

While you and your dad were pretty close wherever Rose went, she always made sure you were with her. Not that you minded anyways. The two of you were inseparable, especially when you hit the beginnings of your teen years.

Your family made it a point to make sure that you never seen or interacted with any of the kids they killed but you knew what they were doing anyways. The smell of iron and bloodshed lingered on them everytime they got close to you and the stench was too strong to mean any good.

You knew they'd never hurt you though but it didn't mean you approved. The night before they captured their food you noticed how your mom would hold your hand a little longer than normal when you'd sit next to each other at the nightly campfire or how your dad would hug you tight compared to the gentle embrace he normally gave you. You were the exception and it shone through.

Pt. 2

"...Y/n..Y/n!" You jumped up and let out a cough, half sitting up in bed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." You felt part of the mattress sink down and you looked at your mom. "No, it's alright. You didn't mean too," You sniffled. "Ugh, damn flu." Your mom ran a hand threw your hair and kissed the top of your sweaty forehead. "How are you feeling?

"Miserable." You looked out the window and seen nothing but darkness. "Where are we?" You asked. "Just outside Bankerton, Iowa. You slept through the whole ride and pit stop."

"Is that what we're calling it now?" Rose frowned. "Don't be fresh." You laid your head back against and waved your hand dismissively in the air. "Where outside Bankerton though?"

"Nowhere you have to worry about. Either way you won't be seeing or hearing it." She took hold of one of your hands and kissed the tops of your knuckles.

Crow stepped out from the cockpit of Rose's RV sharpening a knife. "Rosie, you ready to go?" She nodded and caressed your cheeks. "Stay put and rest please?" You nodded and rolled onto your side. "Love you mama," You muttered into the pillow. "Love you too, sweetie." You could hear the sound of footsteps followed by the slam of her trailer door.

...

You tried to ignore the screams but they were unavoidable. Your hands gripped at the comforter as each word came rolling off whatever child it was that they captured.

"Number 19!" You could hear the smack of the glove through the thin walls. "Kid, you were good." You cringed and squeezed your eyes shut. "No! No please don't-" Tears started flowing down your cheeks. "I won't tell! I won't tell! Please!"

You buried your head underneath your pillow despite the fever baking off of you and tried to ignore the pleas for mercy and final came that scream. That god awful scream you knew too well.

"Please god, make it stop and make it quick," You whispered aloud. You could hear the husky barks of the baseball boy's screams followed by the pouring out of steam. "That poor boy." You found him in the distance and reached out with your shine.

(Can you hear me?)

Nothing. You gave it a shot again.

(Hello?)

This time you were greeted by a sharp, burning pain in your abdomen and you screeched. "Oh fuck! Fuck!" The bohemian-chic setting of Rose's setting began to fade around you and you found yourself standing in the middle of a picnic ground.

The leaves around you were turning and the weather felt beautiful but you had a feeling you weren't there for a beautiful day. You noticed Barry standing next to you and you tried to reach out to him to see if he would react but you got no response.

'What the fuck is going on?' You thought to yourself. You noticed a stuffed bunny similar to the one you had as a child sitting on a picnic table with a needle sticking out of it. "Parlor tricks! It's all a fucking parlor trick!"

(Save yourself while you still have the chance.)

BANG!

You keeled over and gasped as you felt your insides burning. In the far distance you could hear your mother's voice. 'No, get out of there! Get out of there.'

Despite the pain you glanced around and scanned the people around you. 'Dad. Where the hell is my dad?'

BANG!

You whimpered and screamed. Each shot feeling like a stab at your heart. You could feel each of them slipping from your mental grasp and you let out a sob.

(MOM! MOM!)

Nothing.

(Please hear me! Please hear me.)

Still nothing. "Make it stop! Make it stop! Please, how do I make it stop?" You begged, desperate to prevent any of this.

(Leave the looker alone.)

Eventually the vision faded from your mind and when you eventually woke up you were a hysterical mess, refusing any comfort from your aunts or uncles. At first they figured you'd eventually calm down and so they kept at making attempts at trying to hold your hands or run a hand through your hair that way they could get on the road as soon as your parents finished shovel duty but you wouldn't stop. It wasn't until you started sputtering out fragments about an ambush and a looker that they began to listen. Fear unlocked an unnoble reserve across their faces and they scrambled for help.

Rose sent Crow over to you try and knock some sense into you. "What did you see?" Your father yelled over your screams as he attempted to try and pull you into a hug, his bloodied hands and arms staining your skin. "Just get..away!" You knew your mother wasn't there but you couldn't remember if your father was.

That sinking feeling settled deep inside you and you couldn't bear to look him in the eyes. You couldn't-no you wouldn't be able to handle losing either or both of your parents.

"If you think I'm just going to let you be alone while you're like this, you're out of your damn mind." You attempted to push him away but he was strong. You wanted your mom. You couldn't look at him.

"Just relax. I'm right here, baby. Daddy's right here." You let out a wail and buried your head in chest, knowing you weren't going to be getting out of this.

"I-i can't-I want mom!" He shushed you and gently rubbed shapes on your back. "I know..I know but I'm not going anywhere. It's okay." You cried into him, gripping tightly to the back of his shirt.

...

When you woke up in bed the next morning, the space that Crow occupied was empty but you weren't alone. Your mother stood in your kitchenette, rummaging through your cabinets.

You sat up and groggily rubbed your eyes. You noticed your arms weren't stained from the blood of whatever child it was that they took and you wondered how long she had been in your trailer before you woke up. "What are you looking for?"

"Your tea. Did I not teach you anything about self comfort when you were little?" Her tone was teasing and you found yourself hinting at a smile. "Other cabinet, bottom left hand side."

Rose shut the cupboard she had opened and grinned at the sight of neatly stacked tea boxes. "Ah! So nice to see someone else around here with such refinement. Chamomile or peppermint?"

"Peppermint, please." You watched as she poured the clearly hot water into a tea cup. "How long have you been here?"

"Long enough to make sure you were properly taken care of. Does it matter though, my sweet?" You decided it didn't and you shook your head.

Rose walked over with your cup of tea and sat down across from you, carefully handing over the scalding beverage. You set it down on your window sill and your eyes interlocked with your mother's. Despite taking steam last night, she looked barely any younger to you.

She held her mug up to lips and took a sip as if it was a drink she desperately longed for. "Care to tell me what happened night?" The question was met with silence and Rose smiled. "Okay, let me rephrase that. What did you see last night?"

"I'm not talking about this with you." Your mom laughed. "Oh, sweetie. You know well enough that unlike your father, I don't give choices on matters like this."

You glanced around your trailer. "Where is he anyways?" You asked softly. "Out getting Grampa whatever fruit he asked for this morning. Why?"

"Good. Because if we're talking about this, I don't want him to be around because I can't even look him in the eye as it is right now." Rose raised a brow and stood up off the mattress to lock the door. "That bad?"

"Yeah.." As you explained the whole thing to Rose, she held your hand gently in her own. Occasionally planting gentle kisses on your knuckles as you got emotional at times.

"Was he there? Your father?" She squeezed your hand tightly. "I don't know. I don't remember seeing him but I remember feeling him somewhere and he was in pain. You were in pain too but you were back at home."

"And where were you?" You paused for a moment. "With the rest of the family. Dad wanted me to go with him but you didn't..I ended up going anyways. It felt like someone tore my heart out and ripped it into pieces right infront of me."

"Yeah, I'd imagine." Her response was short and snippy almost as if she was being defensive. "The thought of losing either of you, let alone the rest of our family-" A lump grew in your throat and you couldn't say anymore.

Rose sighed and ran a hand through your hair. You tried looking inside her mind but it was completely blank. "...a long time ago, the person who turned me taught me something smart. The past, that's completely set in stone but the future: that's in pencil."

"Mom, I'm telling you. There's no changing this. If you go after this looker, Uncle Doug, Aunt Sarey, all of them. They're going to die." You insisted.

"You also had a vision of us murdering Ariel from The Little Mermaid when you were six." You could tell your mom was trying to comfort you but you wanted none of it. You had to stop her. "And not even a week later, the little girl you took was wearing an Ariel bracelet. Mama, I've never been wrong on this stuff."

"I know-"

"Bad things are going to happen if-"

"I know! I know but she still has time to ripen. Things might change by then. You might be turned by then." 'I won't let that happen though,' You thought to yourself. You might not have control over this situation but you had control over that. You'd let them all murder you before them turn you.

"You're not that far away from 18. I've got to take care of the family, Y/n. I need to take care of you. I lost your other siblings and I am not losing you. Your father and I wouldn't be able to handle it. Hell, I'd be lying if I said your father wasn't hurt last night when you tried to turn him away."

Confusion mixed with pain as you felt your heart shatter into pieces. Your mother had told you that you were a miracle but never did you think of why you were a miracle to them. "Mama-"

"I will say no more." You couldn't tell if she was trying to protect you or her from more heart break. You figured the chances were it was probably for the both of you. "Besides, when have I ever let you or any of the family down?" You didn't even have to think about the answer to the question. "Never."

"And why is that?" She hummed. "Because mama fixes everything." Your voices blended together and Rose smiled. "See? I've always kept everything under control." You felt a little bit better but still couldn't shake that dark feeling away.

Rose pressed a kiss against your forehead. "Try not to worry about it too much, darling." You nodded and took a sip of your cooled tea.

You could hear the sound of crunching leaves in distance and identified it silently as the sound of the Jeep. "I should apologize."

"To who?"

"Dad. I didn't mean to push him away. I just-" Rose shushed you. "I know." She stood up from your bed and held a hand out towards you. "Come on. I'll take you to see him. That way it's a little less awkward."

"Thanks," You hummed softly and let Rose guide you towards the front door. "Mama?" She turned to look at you as she placed her hand on the doorknob. "Yes, my sweet?"

"I love you.." You didn't have to look at your mom to know she was smiling. "I love you too, angel.."

Pt. 3

Not long after that you did forget about the whole thing for a while but the premonition never slipped from your mind. You were always on alert subconsciously and silently praying whoever this looker was, that their shine would just fade and they wouldn't matter anymore but even though no one was talking about, you could also tell your family was suffering.

While some part of you felt that maybe, just maybe, they deserved it for all the pain they had caused to all those kids and their parents, they were still your family and it didn't mean you loved them any less. You just didn't like what they did.

On that cool, October night you sat next to Snakebite Andi in a lounge with your hands interlaced as you both read a copy of 'The Dark Tower' infront of her RV. It was a reclusive spot away from the rest of the family and it was one of your favorite places to be besides Rose's trailer. Like Rose, Andi was a safe person to you and it helped that you both were close in age. You both understood each other and she enjoyed your company and you enjoyed her's.

"You know," Andi started as finished the fifth chapter. "If your dad had more personality, I could say he almost reminds me of Randall Flagg." You let out a chuckle and flipped the page with your unoccupied hand. "Doesn't help that he wears the cowboy boots and jeans too," You smiled. "He's really not a dry person. It's just that he's very straight forward with somethings."

"That's a word for it." You lowered the book and scowled slightly. "Sorry. It's not personal. It's just-" You gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and gave a sympathetic smile. "I know." She lowered her book as well and you both stared up at the dark night sky. "Your mom tell you what happened to me?"

"Bits and pieces." You paused for a moment. "It's not your fault, you know? If I was in your position, I would of done the same thing." Andi sighed and rubbed her face. "Yeah, I know. It's just hard, you know."

"I'd imagine." Andi cracked a hint of a smile. "Have you seen Rose today?" You shook your head. "No, actually. She told me this morning she had to go grocery shopping but I haven't seen her since. She should be back by now." You sat up. "That's weird..anyways, I had something to ask her."

"You want me to see if she's back?" Andi nodded. "If you don't mind." You waved to her. "Not at all. I'll be back." She returned the gesture and brought the book back up to her face. "I'll see you."

You walked slightly up hill to your mother's RV and carefully knocked on the door. You knew she had to be back. You seen the Jeep parked up hill. "Mama?" Your father opened the door. Normally he was all smiles and amicable but not now. He looked frustrated. "Sweetie, now is not a good time."

"Why? What's wrong?" You asked quietly. "Your mother is a little besides-"

"Crow, who's at the door and don't even think about lying to me!" He breathed inwardly and looked at Rose. "Y/n, dear."

"Let her in. I'd love to get her opinion on the subject." He grimaced and opened the door a little more that way you could step inside. "Sure." Your eyes interlocked with his as you took your shoes off at the door. "Hi mama."

"Hi baby." Rose turned her gaze to Crow. "You can leave now." You could feel him biting back a snide remark and you had to try your hardest not laugh. "Night, Rosie."

"Night." Crow shut the door behind him and your mom paced back and forth for a minute. "You okay?" You asked. "Remember back in Iowa, when you had the flu?"

"Yeah." You felt the pit in your stomach growing. "The looker I told you I seen, she found me again." You furrowed your brows.

"Why?" You asked. "I don't know and I don't care but I want her and your father is arguing with me about having her and I want her." Her eyes looked insane and you had to swalow your fear. The memory of that awful vison you had coming back over.

"S-she's that big of a steamhead?" Rose scoffed and smirked impishly. "Oh honey, she's huge. She's the epitome of the Great White Whale." You shifted uncomfortably and hoped she didn't notice it. "I fail to see why your father can't recognize that."

"I mean, even if none of us agree you're going to do what you want anyways." The words were innocent on the surface but the tonality of your words was snippy and fresh.

Your eyes mixed with her's and before you had the chance to block her from your mind, Rose already seen what laid underneath the surface. "You little bitch. You agree with him."

"I-it's not that it's just- Mom, I've never been wrong." Her eyes rolled into the back of her head. "Are we seriously going back to this again?"

"Mom, what do you want me to do?! Let you go into this thing blind and let you get everyone killed because of one girl?" You screamed.

"Don't you dare back talk to me. Again, you could be wrong. You're just a fucking child and I won't let you control me." There were two ways you could respond to her words. Either use the option that would let her be just a little pissed and life would get back to normal, or B, to push.

"I'm almost eighteen years old! You're not going to have control over me much longer. It's overbearing and if the other's had any balls, they would tell you they feel the same way, including dad."

"If I were you, I'd watch your words dear. They might come back to bite you. Tell me dearest, how am I overbearing?" Despite Rose's anger she was smiling at you.

"You kept me from my own father for over 3 years." You noticed Rose's hands balling up into fist. "I have my reasons for what I do and the sooner you come to understand that, the better. Do you know how long it's been since our family has been able to birth children into it?"

She walked towards you and caressed your cheek. You could feel her anger radiating off of her so much you almost wanted to cry at the near sight of her. "You're special honey. Maybe even more special than I am but that will remain in between the two of us. That's why when we get the lookers steam, I want to turn you."

"I don't want to be-"

"And was I asking for your opinion? No. I didn't ask for yours and I certainly did ask for your fucking father's either." She picked up a vase and threw it unceremoniously against the wall. The shards glistening all over the wooden floor of her trailer and you found yourself relating to it's broken state.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you doing and acting like this? I know you're stressed out but I don't want to-"

"Because I can't lose you, god damn it!!" You were no stranger to your mom's yelling but her words made you feel sick to your stomach. "What?" You asked. "For gods sakes, Y/n. You're a smart girl. Use your brain." Her voice was venomous and bitter. "Everything I do is for you and this family! Not for me! For everyone else's benefit. I want you to have everything I do and be able to live just as long, if not longer than I do and yet here you are acting like a selfish little bitch! You don't want to be fucking turned! Forget going down in the blaze of fire, think of what you would do your family!"

"Mom, I'm not trying to be selfish. I'm worried about you. I don't want you to-"

"Don't talk back to me! I don't want to hear any of your bullshit excuses! You don't know how lucky you are, Y/n! You wouldn't believe how many miscarriages and stillbirths I had until you came around."

"I know, mama. I appreciate you and lo-"

"Then stop worrying about me so much and let me do what I have to do to get us what we need." Tears welled up in your eyes and you nodded. "Y-yes mama."

Rose shook her head and ran her fingers through your hair. "What a waste of life you are." Her words felt like a knife and you finally hit your breaking point mentally and physically. Tears started streaming down your face and it wasn't until Rose seen you crying, she realized what she had.

"Y/n..Y/n, baby! I-" You shook your head. "No, you did. You meant every word of what you just said to me," You snapped. "Y/n, I just got so angry. I really didn't mean it." You refused to meet her eyes and Rose attempted to pull you into a hug. "Sweetie-"

"Just me alone. I don't want to talk to you right now!" You ran out of her trailer. "Y/n!" Rose attempted to grab your wrist. "Don't you run from me Y/n."

"Just get away!" You shoved her the opposite direction and panic began to bubble up inside her as she watched you run into the woods. "Y/n! Y/n!"

Andi tried running after you. She grabbed your wrist and you pushed her away. "Don't you fucking touch me! Any of you!"

Crow stepped out of his trailer, hearing the commotion. "What the hell just happened?" He shouted over to Rose.

She seen red and started throwing her antique candle holders all over the place. "Fucking bullshit! I refuse to deal with this.." She kept going on and Crow tried to grab her hands. "Rosie-"

"Just step away from, Crow! You're turning her against me. This is all your fault!" She shouted then started crying. "My fault? How the hell is it-" His infrequent temper started to shine through and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself down. "Can you tell me what happened?"

Rose explained the whole thing from start to finish, every other word coming out of her mouth being foreign Irish curses.

"Rosie, what did you think was going to happen? For me to say your remark to her was hurtful is an understatement. I get it. You're still in pain but that's been over. What the hell were you thinking?!" Crow spat, unusually harsh in his tone. "I-i don't know. Look- I didn't think she was going to run."

"Yeah well, she did and I can't exactly say that I blame her." Rose paused at his snarkiness. "What do I do now?" Crow covered his face with his hands. "Apologizing would probably be the right thing, Rosie."

"I can't go up there and talk to her."

"Why not?"

"Because, she's not going to want to see me. Not after what I said. Why can't you go talk to her?" Rose could hear the whining tone in her voice and she hated it. "Because I'm not the one who made her upset. Look, just be gentle. Let her get what's in her system out. It'll be fine."

"Okay." Rose let out a shakey breath and began her walk up hill. She didn't even know how she was even going to begin what she had to say. She heard sniffling in the distance and breathed inwardly. "Y/n?"

"I told you I don't want to talk to you. Go away!" Rose had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. "Y/n..Y/n, I'm sorry." She called out. "No you're not. You wouldn't of said what you did then."

"Well even if you don't want to talk, can you at least just show me where you are." Rose heard the crunching of leaves and you stepped out from behind one of the large trees. Minimal lightning shined on your face but she could see your mascara was running.

Rose pulled one of her cloth bracelets, a souvenir from one of her victims, of her wrist to clean your face up. "Sit down, please." Rose was surprised you obeyed and she knelt down across you. Tenderly wiping your makeup off your face. "Never can quite understand why you and Andi feel the need to wear this stuff. You both are young girls."

"Yeah." You let out a chuckle and your eyes locked for a minute. In that moment you both looked at each other something inside you clicked and you felt a pang of sadness.

"Y/n, are you okay?"

"I-i" You bit down on your lip,silently hating yourself for the words that were going to come next. "I'm sorry!" You let out a sob and held onto your mom tightly. "No, no. You have nothing to be sorry about. I just felt so angry and the words just spilled and I'm sorry. You're my world, my everything, and I'd never mean to hurt you the way I did." You sniffled and nodded your head feverishly. "I'm just so scared," You whispered so softly you didn't even know if she heard you at first.

"I know but I'm going to fix it because I always fix what's wrong, right?" Rose forced you to meet her eyes and you sniffled. "Mama always fixes everything."

"Yes, but-"

"But what?" She wiped a tear away from your eye. "You can't fix everything, mama." Rose sighed and you nuzzled close to her. "I'm going to try to though. I want a good life for you. That's all I ever wanted for you and our family. Just think of what this looker could bring!"

"But mama, people are going to get hurt. Good people! You, daddy-"

"Your father and I are strong."

"But you're not invincible."

When you looked into your mother's eyes they were full of mania and panic and it scared you. "Please, just this once, listen to me," You begged.

The look on Rose's face was unreadable and she pressed a kiss against your forehead. "I make no promises but for at least tonight, this will be the end of the discussion." You sighed some relieved and Rose smiled, placing her one sleeve under the bags of your eyes and wiped them. "God, your eyeliner is so smudged too."

You chuckled and rubbed your eyes. "That makes two of us then because so is yours." Rose actually chuckled and held her hands out to hold yours. For a moment you felt as if you actually understood her. "You're coming back to camp with me?"

You thought about the words of the baseball boy and you looked down at The True's campfire you seen in the distance and everything came together. You were like the fire burning below. Fast and passionate yet delicate and easy to put out. Destiny was destiny and if you were to go in the blaze of fire then so be it. You knew where you belonged and no matter what, that was with your family. "Yeah..I'll come."

"Good." Rose's smile on her face was bold and you couldn't help but felt a tinge of irony panging through you. Their only living child who came so close to life yet would lose it so within arms reach. While you fulfilled your destiny, they would live theirs. All those children they took from families who loved their child so similar to the way did, they would also lose their child and now that they knew what was supposed to go down like the other families, they also would have to live with it.

A cynical smile graced your beautiful face and you smiled. "Mama?"

"Yes, my sweet?" You pressed a kiss against her cheek. "I love you." Rose smiled and swung her hand back and forth as you walked back home together. "I love you too my blessed angel. I love you too.."

[superthiccthighssavelives]

Oceans

anonymous  asked:

could you do one where taron & his wife haven’t been intimate in a while because of their newborn and their getting kind of stressed, so one night he plans a super romantic night with just the 2 of them and it’s sweet and passionate? xx

Ok so, this was now my 2nd fanfic, and usually the kind of topic I am not good at writing, I wanted a challenge, and it took me all day, but I present this to you, anon, I hope this is what you wanted and that you love it! Please let me know. Thank you so much for giving me an opportunity to branch out and expand my story palette.

So again, music played a giant part in the overall emotion and tone of this story, I suggest listening to these couple of songs to set the mood:

Oceans - Seafret

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpdXBjwXbMg

Angel - Massive Attack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiK2JlBpzvI

I have a whole playlist, if anyone is interested, anyway, enough babbling! Here we go...Oh, obviously there is sex involved, some sweet nothings and a bit, very small bit of depression and insecurity. Onwards!

I stumbled sleepily down the hall, rubbing the remains of sleep from my eyes. I'm on autopilot now, no thinking or questioning it anymore. If you asked what I've done this month since (baby) was born, I could not tell you. Other than the obvious. I don't know when I've last spoken to my friends, or even my mom. It's been exhausting. Tiredness was now just 75% of my personality. The nightly tasks were routine;  change, feed, burp, rock. Like clockwork. Sometimes I fell asleep in the rocking chair to be woken by Taron in the early morning hours. He'd take over and I'd collapse back in our bed. I don't think we've spent too much time together in months. I can't lie and say it's been easy. If we talk, which is rare, it's about the baby. He's just returned from a movie shoot, and while I'm thankful he's home, it doesn't fix the distance between us at the moment. I don't even feel like a person right now. I'm just...here.

I never imagined my life going this way. Don't get me wrong, I was happy, I had a beautiful new baby, a lovely home and an amazing husband, but something was definitely missing lately. We hadn't been out just the two of us in over a year, I don't even remember when the last time we were intimate. Not that I've thought about it much recently, who has the time? I lived in leggings and tops covered in baby spit-up. I didn't bother to do my hair or makeup, I was permanently and officially a mom. I didn't want to complain, nothing was actually wrong. I was, for the most part, as previously mentioned, happy. When Taron was away, we'd facetime or he'd give a quick call before a shoot that day. But it was a bit few and far between. The last trimester of pregnancy made me tired all of the time. I'd go to work in the morning, and come home crashing to bed at 7pm. I missed him, he's here, and I miss him. I wouldn't blame him if he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Look at me. Permanent eye bags, messy hair and post-baby body. I've lost most of the baby weight with all the running around I do, but getting to the gym was out of the question. I barely have time to shower. My insecurities were becoming more prominent.

It was a rare afternoon where the baby was asleep, the house was quiet and we were both home. I sipped my coffee, staring out the window. I'd say I was lost in thought but my mind was blank. I wanted to stop thinking and enjoy a moment to myself. I was startled by Taron's arms encasing me from behind. He kissed the top of my head stating he was going to run some errands. I wanted to be mad, why does he get to go off and do whatever he wants and I have to sit at home alone, taking care of everything? I knew my emotions have been a little, well a lot, heightened lately. I tried to keep them in check, but my mouth tends to run before I think. "Oh, great, yeah go ahead, I'll just sit here and do everything" I felt my face getting hot, and a million awful words running through my head ready to spit out of my mouth. I don't remember the last time we had a fight, it definitely was not a regular occurrence, if it all. I was stressed out, tired and I wanted to feel human again. I was ready for a battle. He stood there looking a bit stunned. "I won't be gone long, I promise" I could tell he was trying to keep the peace. He had this look in his eyes, I couldn't tell if it was pity or guilt. Either way it wasn't making me feel any better. I was starting to see red. My heart began thumping loud, and hard, so hard I could feel it pulsing in my ears. "Well go on then." "Go...do whatever it is that's so important" I felt my eyes begin to water, but I refused to cry. I knew this was coming. He wanted to get away from me. I've failed. His mouth was open, words trying to escape. "Y/N ...I..." "GO!" I was a bit louder than I intended to be and pulled myself back, I was going to wake up the baby. I got up and headed up the stairs.

I broke down a bit, tears flowed a little more now. I somehow ended up in the bathroom on the floor. What was happening? How did everything change so drastically? What could I do to fix this? I stood up, taking a long look in the mirror, which made me want to cry more. I didn't recognize this person. There was a gentle knock on the door, Taron's voice calling my name. "Are you alright love?" I squeezed my eyes shut tight, trying to stop the salty flow of pain coming down. "Y/N?" I opened the door, slowly. I almost couldn't bear to look at him. "I'm fine" I said rather coldly as I walked past him. I didn't want to keep this argument going but my mouth wouldn't shut the fuck up. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" I still couldn't look at him, I knew if I did, I'd melt, and I did not want him to see me looking like this. "I promise, It will be quick, I'll be back before you know and we can have a nice night together later yeah?" "Taron! God, go already, just fucking leave" I knew I was being irrational and probably seemingly insane, but that control to stop didn't exist.

I felt him behind me, rubbing my arm, he placed another kiss on the top of my head. "I'll be quick" He turned and walked out, leaving me a mess.

I let out a heavy sigh and sat on the bed, I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my Gerber banana encrusted sweatshirt. God, I felt awful, why am I like this? I gave myself a minute to get it together before I checked on (baby). She was still fast asleep looking like a tiny angel. She was beautiful and carried so many of Taron's features. I pulled her blanket up to cover her and crept out back downstairs.

I dumped my cold coffee into the sink and just stood there. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was startled by a knock at the door. 

Taron's mum was cheerfully grinning, hugging me right away. "Hello dear, I am here for the baby, it's time to share her with the world." I was confused. "What?" "(Baby) needs time with the grandparents, not to worry sweetheart, she will be in good hands, we've been dying to take her for a night" I was still confused, and a bit reluctant. (Baby) was only a few weeks old and I haven't let her out of my sight since we brought her home. She gave me a gentle pat on the arm and a sympathetic smile. "I will collect her things, go have a seat dear" I plopped myself on the sofa, I couldn't tell her no, and as much as I hate to admit it, it would be nice to take a long bubble bath and relax. She appeared again, diaper bag in hand, fully stocked. "I'm going to put her things in the car, I'll be right back for the baby"

It's been an hour since she's left with (baby) and I think I may have fell asleep sitting here. Has it been an hour? Two? I checked the clock, it's been three. I don't know how I fell asleep sitting up, but my neck was aching. 

I slowly made my way upstairs to the bathroom to draw myself a bath. I felt so relaxed I thought I might fall asleep again. I could certainly use this time to catch up on a bit of sleep. It was still early in the day, and I was at a loss of what to do. 

It's been ages since I was alone. My phone caused me to slightly jump as it went off. There was a text from Taron simply stated "Tonight" "What?" I watched for the 3 dots to appear, but nothing did. "What are you talking about?" Still nothing. I resigned myself and dressed in something the baby hadn't been near, which didn't give me a lot of options. The sound of my phone rattled through the room once more "Get ready" "Taron, what the hell are you on about, get ready for what?" I am once again, confused. "Us" This was frustrating. He stopped responding after my numerous "WTF are you talking about?" texts. I had no idea what I was supposed to "get ready" for. Are we going out? Are we staying in? Is he going to drive me out in the middle of nowhere and murder me? Who knows!

After mulling it over for much too long, I styled my hair, once I remembered how to. I threw on some makeup, giving me some color back in my cheeks and dressed myself in a cute floral sundress, I almost felt like 'me' again.

I sat at the table again, looking out to the perfectly blue sky, feeling a small sense of excitement for the first time in quite awhile. "Come outside" I grabbed my denim jacket and wondered what awaited me when I got there. Taron was in the car motioning for me to get in. I climbed in and felt a twinge of nervousness, we hadn't been alone together in so long. "You look lovely" He smiled so heartily, it made my heart flutter. I was struck with butterflies dancing around my belly. He encased my hand in his and brought it to his lips, giving it a sweet kiss. "Where are we going?" He smiled again, not answering. I rolled my eyes, knowing at this point, he wasn't going to tell me anything. It was really cute though. He looked so happy and excited. I couldn't help but smile, and feel a hard lump of guilt inside of me.

Honestly, it didn't matter where we went, as long as we got this time together. He was my favorite person in the entire world and I had almost forgotten that. Time tends to rip you apart in places if you let it. 

We ended up somewhere in the countryside. It was absolutely breathtaking. Taron led me out of the car and held my hand as we walked. He carried a basket in his other. It was quiet for a moment, I was unsure of what to say. I felt terrible for how I was behaving earlier but I didn't want to bring it up and potentially ruin what we were about to have. We made our way up a large lush hill, resting at the peak for a moment before heading down to a secluded beach. Taron laid out a blanket and unpacked a picnic lunch. It was still rather quiet between us

"This is amazing" I felt overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. He had left earlier to put this together and all I did was give him a hard time. I felt a bit emotional again and tried my hardest not to let my tears push through. He took my hand again, gently tugging me toward him where he placed the sweetest kiss on my lips. My head was swimming, the smallest touch of his lips gave me life. I'd forgotten what this felt like. It took me a moment to open my eyes to see his gorgeous face smiling back at me. "I miss you, Taron, I am so..." He cut me off. "Let's have some food then, shall we" I wanted to apologize and tell him how much  he and all of this meant to me, how much I loved and appreciated him, but instead I shoved a triangle shaped sandwich slice into my mouth. The waves were crashing causing gentle chaos around us. There was a slight warm breeze blowing through our hair, it was so perfect. We sat finishing our food, just taking in the beauty around us. Taron stood up, reaching down for my hand. "Let's take a walk"

We strolled down the beach, the sky glowing golden and spectacularly changing to pink and orange and purple as the sun was setting. We remained quiet, just enjoying being by each other's side. "Can we stop please?" I looked at Taron, I needed to say something, it was eating away at me. He quietly nodded, looking at me with a bit of worry on his face. "Thank you, this has been wonderful, I know things have been...off, but I wanted to tell you how sorry..." He put his finger to my lips. "I know" "Let's not worry about that, let's enjoy our time"

I agreed, but still feeling somewhat melancholy. We were frozen, staring out into the vast ocean. I wanted to hold on to him forever. He was my home. I leaned into him, my head falling to his shoulder, our hands still entwined. He squeezed my hand tightly and tugged me back towards our picnic. He quickly packed up and we began our trek back to the car. 

I was hoping this night wasn't over yet, and we'd get more time together. Taron had a new movie shoot coming up and he was leaving in a week. The night was looming, the sky fading into greys and navy blue darkness. Taron drove for a bit, and finally reaching a destination that lead us to a car park downtown. He lead me to an elevator, I had no idea where we were but I trusted it would be wonderful. The doors opened up to a hotel lobby, with marble floors and extravagant furnishings. He checked us in and again, back into an elevator, making our way to a room. The room was small but cozy, the bed took up a good portion of it, which was easily the most comfortable bed I had ever been in, in my life. I sank right in, the mattress curving to encase my body in pillowy contentment. I felt sleep creeping up and quickly sat upright, I was not wasting this night with my eyes closed, at least, not in that way. Taron excused himself for a moment and I took to the window to check out the view, it was a dazzling display of lights making the city look like it was shimmering. 

A moment later he was back at my side, with another gentle kiss on my cheek. "You don't have to do all this, I am just so happy to be with you, alone" He turned me to face him. "Sweetheart, I know it's been difficult these past few months, but I want to have this, I want you to have this" "It's been increasingly harder to be without you and now with (baby) I can't bear to be away so much" His eyes bored into mine, searching, his hands reaching up to rest on either side of my face. "Look how beautiful you are, I can't believe how lucky I am to have you" "Are you kidding? I think you have that backwards, I'm the lucky one...and I'm sorry, I know you haven't  been attracted to me lately, and I don't..." "Stop, Y/N, you are just as beautiful to me as ever, you're incredible, how can you think that?" "I...we haven't...I mean, look at..." I gestured vaguely at myself He shook his head, "You are absolutely mad!" "You. You are gorgeous, everything about you makes me wild, please believe that, I am completely enamored by you." I watched his lips as he spoke, craving them on my own. "Look at me Y/N" "You, are, everything" He took small pauses between words to emphasize their meaning.

My eyes were glued to his, the intensity in his stare giving me goosebumps. "Taron" I don't even know if it came out of my mouth loud enough for him to hear, my voice was cracking. I said it once more, whispering. 

His lips were on mine in an instant, I felt the crave in his kisses. I wanted it just as much. Our mouths moved in a sweet rhythym, never getting enough. Our breaths became heavier, with want and intention. I pulled back, just long enough for him to miss my lips near his, making him lunge toward them again. I made this a game, the tension growing stronger. His mouth hastily found its way to my neck, languidly moving to the most the spot near my ear where he knew it drove me crazy. His tongue peeked out, licking the soft, sensitive skin there. His breath was hot and full of need whispering in my ear, drawing out my name.

I let out a small moan, my head falling back to give him full access. His hands moved up my body reaching my waist, squeezing me tight. I tore off my jacket and wrapped my arms around to caress the back of his neck, my fingers kneading up and through his hair. It's been so long since we've touched like this, it felt new but so familiar. He released his lips from my skin, leaving me desperate for his contact again. 

In an instant my legs were around his waist as he picked me up. I felt the cool wall on my back and Taron's hands holding me up under my dress. His body pressed into me firmly, once again his eyes searching mine. "Y/N" was all he could say before his lips came back to mine. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest, the feeling was so much more intense than I had imagined. It was like the first time.

I slid slowly down as he let me go. He reached for the zipper in the back of my dress and watched as it fell to the floor. I felt a bit exposed, as I had not felt confident about my body since the baby, but that feeling was quickly forgotten when he dropped to knees to kiss my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair once again, pulling him closer. His hands caressed my hips, reaching further back, running his palms over my ass. He looked up at me, his eyes so full of lust and passion, it made me shake. 

"You are absolutely fucking amazing" 

I wanted to freeze this moment, and live in it forever. I had never felt such intense love like this before. I couldn't believe I had it now, with him. 

He watched his hands move over my body with incredible attention, slowly, taking in everything. My head fell back against the wall, never wanting this feeling to end. I felt his lips on my thigh and fingers so so slowly and softly tracing the lace detail of my panties. I shivered when his tongue moved from my thigh to my most sensitive spot, eliciting a quiet, breathy show of pleasure. The feeling was so heightened I thought I might explode. His mouth felt like heaven as it licked, nibbled and sucked until I was ready to fall apart.

He sensed I was close and was quickly up again to place me on the bed. He undressed, his eyes never leaving mine. He crawled slowly toward me, a look in his eyes I can't explain. His eyes trailed my body, his hands following, removing what was left clinging to my body. I heard him whisper "Gorgeous" before his lips met my breasts. His body was pushing me down, his mouth giving me the sweetest bliss. I felt his hand grip my thigh, bringing it up to meet his waist and hook around his back, his fingertips gracefully moved up it, leaving goosebumps. 

I was most definitely ready to bust. I grabbed him to bring his face back to mine and allow me to show my gratitude. I nudged him to roll over so I could reciprocate and show him how good he made me feel. I wanted him to experience it too. I kissed his lips, then moved them to his forehead, gently placing the most softest quiet kisses on his cheeks, his nose, his jaw. I drank him in, this perfection below me. His hands never left me, his breath hitching when my lips met his neck. I couldn't help but let out another moan, enjoying the feel of him against me. 

My tongue was eager, ready to please. I left a trail of wet kisses down his chest and stomach and finally to where I know he wanted it the most. I took all of him in, hoping I was giving him as much gratification as he had given me. I was drunk with want, enjoying every moan and staggered breath that was released from his lips. I moved back up, placing myself close to where we were about to join. His hand reached up, caressing my cheek, with that look in his eyes again. I felt his hand move down between us to feel what he had done to me. I was ready.

We both let out an exclamation of intense pleasure as I felt him slide slowly inside me. My head rolled back, wanting more. He gripped my hips, moving me how he wanted me but not letting me go as fast as I had craved. It was excruciating, I wanted to cry. It felt amazing, and dizzying, I just wanted him. He quickly flipped us and covered me with his firm and heavy warm body. HIs lips made their way back to me, his tongue tasting mine and then moving down again to my neck. I felt his teeth grip the delicate skin as he moved in and out of me. The tempo picked up slightly, the air getting heavier. To hear my name coming from his sweet soft lips in an all-consuming display of revelry made me even more turned on than I've ever been. 

It was even hotter when he whispered "Fuck, baby, you feel so fucking incredible" while bringing his hips farther  down to meet mine. I couldn't control myself any longer, I dug my nails into back while my head flung back, thrusting upwards to feel the increasing momentum. I couldn't stop saying his name, over and over, until my voice turned into quiet whimpers begging him not to stop. Watching him over me, his face dressed in ecstacy, was the most beautiful and amazing thing I would ever see. 

Our pace slowed, neither of us wanting it to end. Our lips met again,  a slow cadence of breaths expelled into one another. The pressure was rising, I could feel the heat creeping, my body tingling like I was being set on fire in the most delectible way. "Y/N, look at me" I could hardly open my eyes, the feeling was so amazingly intense. His eyes gazed down at me, feeling like he was staring into my soul, I trembled. Our bodies were in perfect rhythym, our eyes only fixed on one anothers, the burning grew, and I was ready to come undone. 

It felt like time stood still, all I saw was him, his eyes, his lips saying "I love you", the pressure became too much, I shattered. I let out a gutteral whimper as I reached the apex of this moment. Taron gripped my hips and gave one last fervent thrust. I had never heard such sweet music from his lips as when he let himself go and gave into the moment. He fell to my side, out of breath, smiling. "I've missed you" I couldn't help but smile back, turning to him to caress his face. "I love you, I'm sorry" "Shush, come here" He enveloped me into his arms, planting tiny sticky kisses on my lips. "I feel like I could sleep forever now" my words trailing lazily as I drifted off. Taron settled into my side, giving me one last squeeze before sleep took him over.

[dancing-the-hellfire-rumba]

Dear Hannah,

Pairing: technically Destiel, but that’s not what this is about Word Count: 4.9k (wow wtf) Warnings: mentions of self-harm, cancer, shitty father John (as per usual), angst and angst and father-daughter love and angst. Summary: When Dean, strapped to a bed, coughing up a storm, catches sight of his newly-adopted baby girl, he decides that, if he is to leave this world, he has to leave something behind for his favorite person. So he writes a booklet, trying to tell her all the things he would’ve if he was alive. Author’s note: This was originally done for @welldonebeca​ ‘s 2019 Song Challenge but I fucked up thinking the deadline was the 31st of October instead of the 15th. Whatever the case, my prompt was movement, by Hozier, which I interpreted as Dean being fascinated by his daughter enough that he’s inspired to write a letter book to her. Of course this wouldn’t be the entire thing, but I had to keep it under wraps.

Feedback is always welcome! No beta, all mistakes are my own.

~~~~

Hannah,

Christ, it’s the third time I’m starting this. The truth is, I’m coming up with blanks as to how to actually start. This has got to be the best I’ve got.

I’ll tell you the moral of this story, my story,  from the get-go. Life’s a fucking bitch, okay? I want you to know that from now. I’d try to hold back on my swearing, but I want you to know me as the person I am, the person I’ve always been. I know what having an absent, terrible father’s like, as you’ll soon see, and I don’t want that for you. I wish I could tell you all this up close, give you advice, tell you all my crazy-ass stories as the dumbass of the teenager I was, and all the shenanigans your uncle (wow, Sam really is a friggin’ uncle!), by a campfire, while you drink your first beer.

Sadly, my odds aren’t looking so great, honey. So this is all I got. I know it’ll never be enough but something is better than nothing.

Enough with the chick flick introduction, though. Let’s start.

The pen’s heavy in his hand, and it’s equal parts the mental heaviness, the weight of the task, as it is his fatigue. Dean’s really just started this. He can’t believe it. The heaviness of uncertainty, of whether or not he’ll get enough time to finish it settles on his chest like an anvil. There’s a solid chance he doesn’t make it before his time comes.

Hannah’s sitting right there, carelessly looking at the plastic, grinning stars above her crib. She’s so innocent, skin creamy, chocolaty and bright, a young, fearsome woman that’s gonna turn out to be so incredible, he’s certain. A small baby who’s soon to walk.

Dean already knows, this kid is destined for great things.

She’s gonna grow up, past the tutus and the miniature racing-car collections, she’s gonna have a movie she’ll play on repeat for ever and ever, with a song that he’ll learn by heart after having heard it so many times. She’s gonna go to high school and she’ll be bullied but she’ll learn to kick some serious ass. She’ll develop interests, she’ll have mediocre grades but a fiery passion and a love for anything alive.

She’ll, then, go to college. She’ll fall in love, with people and life itself. She’ll do what she loves most and she’ll be so damn good at it, she’ll excel.

And Dean… Dean will be nowhere near her to see all of it.

The bitterness… it makes his eyebrows stitch together, his lip curl in clear frustration and sadness. After everything he’s been through, finally finding the person he loves most and creating a full-ass apple pie life, and it’s all gonna be gone as soon as it started. Because, as he told his favorite Hannah, life’s a fucking bitch, and there’s no denying it.

As he lays there in his bed, pale as a sheet, watching her giggle for a while, reaching for the stars, soon yawning, small eyelids shutting softly and rocking just slightly, he… he falls in love with her. This tiny, tiny happy-beyond-words creature that could ask anything of him, and he’d do it, god damn it. He really would.

A giant bubble grows in his chest, a bubble that makes him feel like he’ll protect her at absolute all costs. He’ll grab the moon and fucking move it if that’s what she needs. And all she has to do is yawn and fall asleep.

A tear appears in the corner of his eye, lingering and falling down his ashy cheek. He can’t believe he brought this bright ray of sunshine to this world, and he’s about to make her live with an absent father. That he won’t get any memories with her at all. It’s torture. All of it.

He doesn’t know what else to do, so he grabs his pen with more determination. If he’s to leave her with something, it’ll be a part of him and that is that.

~~~~~

I was born on January 24th, 1979, the first son of a, dare I say, colossally unlucky family. Your uncle, Sam, my brother, is four years younger and will ALWAYS be a wimp, don’t let the height fool you. He always had terrible, shaggy hair and was always the sharpest tool in the box. Hell, the boy went to freaking LAW SCHOOL of all places! That’s kinda crazy!

My parents, your grandparents, were Mary and John.

Mary was a sweet, incredible, fearsome blonde woman, kindest of them all. She’d cut the crusts off my toast, sing Hey, Jude to me before bed and tell me angels were watching over me. (While we’re on the topic of the Beatles, make a note to listen to them. “Hey, Jude” must be your first song, but beyond the classics [Let it Be, Hard Day’s Night, I Saw Her Standing There, I Wanna Hold your hand etc] I hope “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” will hold a special spot in your heart, much like me.)

So, Mary. Sweet Mary. She was a real badass, you know. This one time, Sammy was hungry, so I decided to make, get this, French fries. I think I was seven. She caught me getting ready to pour oil in a very hot pan. When I say she swooped in, I mean it, quite literally. I think she saved me a hand that day.

Now, about John…You’ll have to forgive the mess that I’m about to make with this, but John was a fucking sorry excuse of a father, alright? He got piss-drunk every night after Mom died, and naturally, Sam and I were the punching bags, sometimes literally. The best nights were the ones he wasn’t home.

For years, the house was silent. Sam and I tried to keep everything clean, stock up on canned food, because at times we would only have ten bucks to hold us for over two weeks. I took him to school, fed him, made sure he studied –not that I really had to- and kept John of his hair. At sixteen I picked up a shift at Bobby Singer’s garage, a man that, at this point, deserves the Dad title significantly more than John.

Whenever Sammy was sick, it was my fault. Was anyone loud? Dean’s fault. House dirty? Dean’s fault. Did we wake him up? …Let’s just say we learned not to do that.

I tried to put myself before Sam, did anything I could to protect him. There were times when that wasn’t even enough.

I dropped out of high school at seventeen. The second I saved up enough money, I rented a hole of an apartment at the other side of town, in an attempt to help Sam have a normal life, and we hauled ass out of there.

Before I tell you about our shitty apartment, let me tell you about the highlights of my high school career. Starting off with me “unintentionally” kicking a ball at my least favorite teacher’s face (and hitting him) ((Don’t take your father’s example, kid, violence isn’t the answer.)) (Did feel pretty good at the time though), making out with Jenny in the Janitor’s closet and with Arthur at the locker rooms afterhours (I don’t know what age you’re reading this at, but I sure hope it’s over 16). Also, that one time I pulled a prank at my friend, Cole. I spray painted his entire locker. He didn’t like me very much, to be honest…

~~~~~

An important story I feel inclined to share with you, would be the fact that I was once a bully.

Kids are just mean, but also, I couldn’t understand that troubles at home, traumatic pasts and anger are not to be taken out on other people who are not at fault. Instead of finding a healthy way to deal with everything that was happening at home, I decided that every happy person that was weak enough to meddle with, didn’t deserve any happiness.

I picked on a couple of people, but I think the one I will always regret will be Kevin Tran.

Kevin was a freshman when I was in junior year. He was in the Math club, the Science club and the Robotics club. He had maybe two friends, he was skinny, short, shy as hell, he drowned himself in oversized clothes and always carried a neon green book bag around, that worked on me like red cloth to a bull.

Every time I spotted the bag in the hallway, the drill would start. Shoving the poor kid against the locker, calling him names and laughing at his face for no apparent reason. I’d steal his calculators when I found out he had chemistry tests, spray paint the door of his locker and cause rib bruises from my shoving him against walls and furniture.

I soon find out Kevin was severely depressed. In fact, I saw him in the back of the school, where I’d usually go out to smoke because I thought it was cool (it’s not, it makes you light headed, unfocused and struggle to breathe. Just an all-around terrible experience, but this is just a side-note.)

It was a Friday after school. I didn’t wanna go straight home and Sam still had one more period, so I decided to go smoke and listen to some music in the back of the school building. And that’s where I found him.

I don’t know into how much detail I should go here, but Kevin was harming himself. With a small pocket knife, he sat on an old basket and made incisions on his arms, tears running down his face like a faucet. My God, Hannah, I’ve never felt like a bigger piece of shit in my life, because I knew, and I knew very well, that at least part of those incisions were caused by me.

I called out to him, and the look on his face, as he scrambled away from me, made me feel so much worse. I was the scum of the earth at that moment. I was the biggest asshole on the planet.

My initial reaction, I’ll admit, was pretty harsh. I grabbed the pocket knife out of his hands and threw it as far as possible in the grass. I grabbed a small first aid kit I had in my bag (in case anything happens to Sam), made him sit down by force and bandaged him up. He’d been reduced to sniffles by the time I was done.

Somewhere in between, I remember, he asked me why I was doing this. I didn’t answer.

Eventually, when I was done, I sat on the ground in front of him, ripping blades of grass from the ground. I apologized. Something along the lines of “I didn’t know, not that that’s an excuse. What I’m going through is not an excuse, but I hope it makes you understand that it was nothing to do with you. I’ll stop. I’m sorry. Don’t do this to yourself, man.”

That evening, Kevin was one of the very first people who found out about John. His own dad had passed away, and things at home were rough with his mom. That, along with the whole depression thing… it wasn’t a good combo.

After a solid two hours of talking with him, making amends, apologizing profusely and getting my apology accepted (which I absolutely didn’t deserve by the way,) we made it back out front.

From then on, I stopped picking on anyone. Kevin and I actually became really good friends, though we drifted apart eventually. I think he works in Google now.

This is really important. I want you to pay attention and take heed of my words. There are a couple lessons in this story.

One, be kind. Always  be kind. To everyone. It doesn’t matter if they’re going through a rough time or not, the same way it didn’t matter that Kevin’s father was dead. You don’t know the other person. There’s never a reason to not be kind, if the person has done nothing to you. A smile can make somebody’s day, a compliment can go a long way, and being open and honest and kind will make people who are looking for help find you, it will make other’s lives better, and if you’ve helped even a single person, your life has been successful.

Two, never, and I mean never take your emotional pain out on yourself, or others. There are healthy ways to deal with ugly emotions. There are people who can help. Find a new hobby, as silly as it sounds. Start doing something creative, something that draws your attention elsewhere, like art of any kind, or, in my case, fixing cars. Something to keep you busy. If you’re in trouble, emotional or otherwise, there are people who love and support you, who will do their mightiest to be by your side, and if those aren’t your friends, they’re definitely your family.

Bottling up emotions, or dealing with them in horrible, unhealthy ways has been my go-to. Don’t be like me. Express yourself in different ways, and don’t keep your feelings shoved under the carpet, because it will, absolutely, unceremoniously explode, and you’ll take people down with you. And that’s when you’ll feel like the worst person in the world. The guilt, the residue of said ugly feelings isn’t worth it. Trust me.

If you make mistakes, if you hurt people who don’t deserve it, learn from it, grow, be better. Do not sink into yourself , don’t hate yourself. Apologize, make amends and move on, try to never do the same thing. It’s okay. We’re all human. The only thing that matters is that you try to be better.

No matter what, remember that I will always love you.              

~~~~

So. Our apartment back in Kansas was, as I told you, a real dump. It had a tiny-ass kitchen with a miniature stove, two mattresses that were creaky and lumpy and were left there by the previous owners, as well as the TINIEST bathroom you’ve ever seen. It didn’t have shower walls, it had a shower head and a drain on the floor and was not in any way separated from the toilet. The walls of the place were peeling, the floor was tiled and cracked in a bunch of places and the humidity must’ve been over 80%.

I fucking loved that place.

On our third day there, I borrowed some spray paints from Cole, carried them in a cardboard box up the claustrophobic, green stairs, and opened the door in absolute triumph. That day, Sam and I opened the two windows, scratched the paint off the walls with two spatulas and went WILD. It must’ve been the only day Sam didn’t study.

Actually, no, now that I think about it, there was another time, when little ol’ ten-year-old Sam fell off a ledge and freakin’ broke his arm. I dumped him on Cole’s bike and pedaled to the hospital like a maniac. That was the first day he didn’t study.

Anyways, that apartment wall made our crappy little living situation a home. Our own sanctuary. We finally got agency over our lives, from staying up late, to choosing which type of dish soap we’d use because it smelled better and didn’t remind us of the terror chores once were. Eventually, we got soft blankets, books, board games, decorations… Finally, after 18 years, we’d started our lives.

I think one of my favorite memories would be coming home from my first date with a guy. I was just 18 and Benny, the dude, kissed me before I left, his fists clutching at my flannel. I was driving home with a giant, dopey-ass smile, stretching from one ear straight to the other. That same night, with new-found confidence, I told Sammy to drop his book, bought ourselves some beers and snacks, and drove to my favorite clearing.

There, right under the stars, with Sammy trying out his first beer, I told him I’m bisexual, and the cute bastard hugged me and told me he loved me no matter what. That same night, he thanked me for everything I did for him while living with John. We talked until the sun was rising.

I’ll tell you this right now, kid, in case you haven’t gotten it yet. I love Sam. Love him to bits. I raised that kid all on my own and will do anything to protect him. I know he cares for me, I know it kills him to see me like this, in a bed, pale, miserable and coughing every three seconds. I just want you to know, honey, that whatever you need, anything at all that, for some reason, you don’t want to tell Dad, you go to Sam, okay? You can trust him to be supportive, loyal, to be there for you when no one else is and to love you like you’re his own daughter and best friend. I promise you, he will always, always be there when I’m not.

That night made us grow so much closer. The lesson here, I’d say, is be bold and confident in what you believe in and who you are. Be your own, unique self, be brave, and love whoever you choose to fully and with your whole heart, without shame, ever. If you are yourself, I promise, you’ll find the people that love you for you, not the person you’re pretending to be. You’ll inspire other to be themselves.

A good example of this would be my best friend, Charlie. When I came out, I was armed to the teeth to deal with whoever wanted to bully me for that part of me. To tell you the truth, my school coming out was a mishap. It takes nothing but a risky make-out session in the janitor’s closet and nosey students that rip doors open far too violently. Nevertheless, I was literally out of the closet, fists up. And that’s exactly when I met Charlie.

With her comic book stories and her books, her bubbly personality and bright smile, she wiggled her way into our lives and permanently stayed there. She was a freshman when I was a senior, but she seemed to find sanctuary by my side, as I did by hers. She was just one of those people who clicked, you know? Far too mature and interesting for her age, with an obsession with computers, even back when they were barely even a thing.

She now lives with her long-term girlfriend, Gilda, who owns the best bakery in the state. Ask for the apple pie, you will not be disappointed.

Charlie demanded of me to tell you, first off, to watch Marvel and screw DC right to hell (with which I have to agree, though Batman still remains one of the coolest Superheroes of my childhood (and Joker, the coolest villain)). She also told me that, if you read this, go ask her for her comics, She’d love to let you borrow them and she’s certain you’ll love them. Second off, she asked of me to tell you the Impala story…

It’s not as grand as she makes it out to be, honestly. However this is the part where you’ll learn all about the one and only Bobby Singer.

Bobby was my boss, an old friend of dad’s John’s and the first person who ever saw the bruises under my sleeves. He gave me a job, a family, and later on… a car.

Bobby owns a scrapyard. He taught me everything I know about cars, including driving, and for my seventeenth birthday, he brought a dusty, beat-up car in my workspace. The hood was bent, the seats were torn, and the engine needed immediate replacing. The customer never paid the price for the compartments the garage had paid, so under store policy, the car was ours.

Hannah, I can’t exactly describe to you how long it took me to repair that car. Buying the spare parts and assembling them would’ve probably taken less time. I built her from the ground up, it took me almost a month and a half of daily, eight-to-six work, but I made it. I fixed her up. She was in prime condition, and I had completely fallen in love with her.

I finished working on her early January, dreading the moment I would see her drive away. Bobby had seen all the effort, by then I’d worked at his place for over a year. So, on the day of my birthday, I opened my locker to put on my jumpsuit, when I saw a box placed on my neatly folded clothes. I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now. Yes. It was the keys to my dream car. A beautiful, sleek, black 1967 Chevrolet Impala, the one I had brought back to life. And it was all mine.

I don’t think I’ve hugged Bobby any tighter since then. Hell, I don’t think I’ve hugged him period.

That car… That car is probably the most stable thing in my life, apart from Sam, obviously. I’ve cried in that car, I’ve escaped from my terrible past, I’ve laughed, I’ve had my first time, I’ve been through breakups and I’ve spent my best days with it. I cherish it more than any other item I know. It’s not even an item, it’s my baby. I love it almost as much as I love you.

I met your dad, and kissed him for the first time in that car.

It’s actually a pretty fucking hilarious story. Cas was on a date with this guy who was completely disgusting and creepy as hell, so in true  movie fashion he decided to, get this, jump out the bathroom window and escape.

Yeah.

So just as he was running out of the bar, the guy must’ve caught wind of him or something, because he stepped outside in order to find Cas. What did your dad decide to do, I hear you ask? He ducked behind a car in the parking lot, opened the first unlocked door he found, and jumped in.

Spoiler alert. It was my car.

I was sitting in the front seat, fighting with Sam through text when the door opened. It was highly comical, watching this guy duck behind the bench seat, mumbling “oh God, oh God, oh God, please don’t see me, oh God.” I cleared my throat.

“Oh, I see you, buddy.” That’s the first thing I told him. The look on his face and the genuine yelp, made me laugh a full belly laugh, and completely forget about my fight with Sam. He apologized profusely, explained panicked what had happened and begged me to stay in my car just for a couple minutes so the guy can lose him.

Long story short, we ended up going out ourselves. I don’t know how to explain it… we just clicked immediately. Like, there was a connection. Him and his big words, his baby blue eyes, his steady, deep and rough voice… I knew right away that all I wanted was to spend time with him, learn everything he was willing to share with me.

I’m so glad to have met your Dad. He was, is and always will be one of the best, kindest, most humble and genuine people on the planet. He sees the world from such a beautiful point of view that contradicts my eternal realism (he enjoys calling me pessimistic.) He’s a genuinely great person, and I can’t wait for you to figure so out yourself, if you haven’t already.

Of course, it wasn’t all fine and dandy. Meeting his parents was hellish. Let’s just say, Chuck and Naomi aren’t… the best people. They tried really, really hard to stop us from seeing each other, and eventually, they completely disowned Cas. He doesn’t like to talk about them much. His brother, Gabriel is an asshole, but a loveable one, while his other brother, Michael, you probably don’t know about. And you shouldn’t. Let’s just leave it at that. If Cas wants to share that story with you, he’ll do it at his own time.

I’m sure there’s a lesson to be learned here. Something about, when finding your person, to keep them, fight for them, don’t stop loving them because everyone else is telling you (unless of course that person is toxic). But I don’t think I can give you solid love advice through a dumb book. Every relationship is different, and your Dad’s better at this than me anyways.

--

I don’t know exactly how long this thing is, by this point, but I’ve almost finished the pages of this booklet. I was really, really worried I wouldn’t finish it in time, but here we are. However many thousand words later, and I’m clueless as to how to wrap this up.

My life isn’t over yet, however it looks like it soon will be. I will confess to you, I’m scared, but most of all I’m angry. I’m angry at the world, at life and fate, if that’s even a thing, at God even. I’ve fought my whole life for peace and quiet, and right when I have found it, it’s being ripped from under my feet. Cancer fucking sucks.

No matter, my chin is up, and so are my fists. Winchesters don’t give up easy. I will fight this until my last breath, even if the chance of watching you grow up and being able to tell you everything I’ve written face-to-face, is nothing but a sliver. After all, impossible odds were always my favorite.

Sweetheart… I don’t know what to say. This might be the only thing you have left of me for the rest of your life, and it tears me up inside. Of course, I will not be able to write thirty five years of experience in a small book such as this, but this is a part of me, memories you can keep all to yourself. Ask Dad or Sam about any of it, I’m sure they’ll fill some gaps, tell you things I haven’t written.

I don’t want you to cry much, even though I’m not sure you will at all, given the fact that you’ve never met me. Either way, whether you feel or think anything of me or not, I want you to know that I love you so much. I’ve only known you for a couple of months, and, already, you’re the brightest ray of sunshine in my life.

I promise I will be by your side no matter what happens, through every milestone and hardship, I will love you from wherever I am.

Honey, please stay true to yourself. Never give up, no matter what curveballs life throws at you. There’s always reason to keep going, even if you can’t see it. Always keep fighting, ‘till your last breath, ‘cause you’re a Winchester and you’ve absolutely got this.

If there is something I want you to remember from the scribbly mess I’ve made, it’s this:

I love you. I’m proud of you. I believe in you.

Go get ‘em, tiger.

 Bonus:

Tears streaming down velvety soft cheeks, dainty fingers gripping the book tightly, like her life depends on it, Hannah stares at the ceiling and groans at the mess she is. It’s the second time she read that last bit, and just as she thought she’d gotten over it, here she is, crying just as hard as the first.

She gets off her bed, pulling on her sweater sleeves. Feet in slippers, she makes her way down the corridor, knocking on the door, and opening when she gets an answer. Her fingers grip the doorknob, the other clutching the book, and she stares at the bed, watching as green eyes look up from his laptop.

“Why did you give this to me, you ass, you’re not dead,” she sobs, and Dean pushes his laptop to the side, arms opening wide to invite her in them.

“Aw honey,” he coos, a gentle, loving smile on his face. Hannah climbs on the bed and slides to his side, curling up in his arms. “It’s okay.” Fingers stroking her hair gently, as sobs wrack through the poor girl’s body. Dean almost feels bad.

Just then, Cas appears in the doorway, having heard Hannah’s cries. He sees the booklet clutched in her arms, her face buried in Dean’s neck, hidden behind her spring-curly hair. He makes eye contact with his husband, a knowing half-smile on his lips, as he leans on the doorway.

“I love you,” Hannah says, nose stuffed and running. “Thank you for not giving up on a relationship with me, even when you didn’t think you’ll survive.” Tears wet Dean’s eyes, as he presses a kiss on the crown of her head.

“I love you too.”

[writings-from-the-hart]

Writebr Intro

Writeblr Intro Time!

Hiya! This is so overdue and I apologize for that lol. I’ve been meaning to write this but school seems to always be getting in the way of just that. Writing. But here I am finally writing this! And yes my username is a pun of my own last name but I just couldn’t resist.

So basically, I really want to surround myself with other writers and have stumbled across tons of writeblr’s (I think that’s what they’re called lol). Instantly I was in love and wanted more of what the community had to offer. I’ve been a self-proclaimed “author” or writer since my early years of grade school. I was that child in the back of the class with ADHD that couldn’t sit still (the cliche bouncing leg and always chewed down nails) and had what my mother called an “overactive imagination”. My notebooks in high school were often filled with wild stories about “galaxies far far away” or dystopias with cruel governments ruled by dictators. Now I’m in my second year of college swamped with classes about the Psychology of criminals (or I like to call the science of murder), and trying to find time to write a novel. So the struggle is real my dudes.

A little about Me:

Hana

20

She/Her

Pisces

Asexual

Forensic Psychology Major and English with a concentration in Writing Minor

Book hoarder

Dog Mom

Vintage AF

Low Key Emo Punk because I’m no average white girl!

History nerd (Love learning about the old wars and cultures)

Movie nerd (There’s an endless stack of DVDs in my house)

Fandoms:

The Mandolorian (or the ManDADolorian)

Star Trek

Star Wars

Hannibal

X-Files

King Falls Am

Welcome to Nightvale

Transformers (Obviously not the bad movies lol. Bumblebee is baby and must be protected always.)

Good Omens

Sherlock

Lord of the Rings

Marvel (There are so many shows and movies in this category we would be here all day if I tried to list them.)

Timeless (Not sure if the fandom is still alive after what the writers did to one of our ships lol)

DC (I’m a huge Batman geek and adore Wonderwoman, but I take the good with the bad when it comes to this fandom. Especially movie-wise anymore.)

And there’s probably more but my memory isn’t working currently.

Goals?. . . maybe:

Get my novel finished (This has literally been on my To-Do List for who knows how long.)

Meet more writers/new writers.

Improve my poetry (I suck at poetry so I bad I never let it see the light of day, so I need to work on it.)

Start my bullet journal.

Wips:

Okay by now you all know I have at least 1 Wip because I mentioned getting a freaking novel done, but just as a precaution as to what I mean by Wip or Wips. I get distracted quite easily, for some odd reason my brain absolutely loves to jump from one idea to another for no absolute reason. Like WTF dude we already have an idea we’re working on why do you keep bringing all these new ones to me like stray dogs. And like any good dog Mom or distracted writer, I want to keep all the ideas/stray dogs. So, when I say Wip I mean “Look at this cool idea I came up with” and I’ll make sure to specify which one is hogging most of my time.

Renegade: Dystopian, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

This is my baby. Most of my free time is dedicated to adjusting plotlines, character arc’s, fixing freaking plot holes, and other important stuff other than just plain writing. I’m hoping to finish this also monster of a story by 2020 and get it published. So big stuff!  

“So tell me little wolf do you want to punish those who have wronged you?” An assassin known as the Crimson Ghost makes their way through the corrupt city-state of Ashton completing a job given to them by the Black Rose. What is a seemingly normal job though turns into something far more complicated when they stumble upon the fractions of an abandoned notebook from the past. A past the Republic is trying to desperately hide and bury no matter what. On the other side of the world in the Republic’s capital Eshar, plainly referred to as “The Prodigy” or “machine” by his superiors,  Eric Coalwood has built a life upon the ashes of his family, striving to meet the high expectations set before him by his mentor General Wolfheart. However, his life falls out of its normal day to day routine when the unexpected is asked of him. Command a task force made up of the Republic’s most wanted or his life is over. Eric doesn’t need reasons for why he must do what he has to, all he needs are orders and the Republic is more than happy to give them. Either way the clock is ticking for both the Crimson Ghost and the Republic’s prodigy and with time running out they both have two options. Either get over their different beliefs concerning the Republic or allow the world to once again succumb to war but this time nobody is going to survive it. “Legends are slippery things. For the glory that coats them hides the pain, suffering and death that created them.”

The Trouville Files: Dystopian, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

Not my biggest priority but definitely one of them considering the plot of this story. I mainly use this wip as a reference for Renegade because it’s actually the prequel to it. Also, it’s great to use as writing practice when I’m plagued with writer’s block for Renegade or frustrated with a plot hole. So this is my double-edged sword that does a lot of good.

“Death in these black days is neither kind nor quick.” The year is 2153, the world we know is nothing more than a wasteland strewn with the dead and a sky being choked by their ashes, not glorious and thriving but desolate and starving. The Red Death, a pandemic with a steady progression and a gruesome countdown to the demise of those infected. No one outruns it or survives it. “United we stand, divided we fall.” The Allied Nations, a totalitarian superpower, promised a united people but all they gave this world was more death and destruction. The Red Death isn’t the only thing slowly killing humanity anymore, we are in the form of the War of Broken Pacts. The spark of revolution is lit, but if it will remain so is a question asked by everyone. Does it stand a chance against the iron-fisted government holding the people in shackles? “Rebel with a cause.” Genius Medical Officer for The People’s Republic, Cyprus Ramiro works day and night in search of a cure for the Red Death exterminating hundreds, at least before this war kills him first. But he is also a man on the run and the rebellion can only shelter him for so long. “Duty over pain.” Cunning Spy and Soldier, Orion Ultor is ordered by the Allied Nations to infiltrate and gather information on the ever-growing People’s Republic. In bold letters is Search and Destroy; make a ruin of the rebellion and ensure the Allied Nations remains as it should -- unquestionably in power. No matter the cost unless he wants to suffer the consequences again. “If we fall we shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix.” They should have never met, battlefields don't make good friends. It wasn't fate, it wasn't destiny, only war throwing people together.  The Allied Nations is trying to stamp out something they fear, but can they before the Red Plague? Or will humanity find itself extinct.

Beyond his point is where I house my stray dogs/ideas

Hiraeth: Paranormal, Horror, Mystery, and Thriller.

Scooby-doo who?

Hiraeth means a homesickness for a home which you cannot return. That is how Arcane feels like she’ll never be home no matter how hard she tries to connect with her family. The closest she feels to being home is with her friends and in the worn leather seats of the van they all pitched in to buy. It all started out as a way to pass time and for all of them to escape their families because to be honest parents never understand, but it all turned sideways when a simple “ghost hunting trip” stirred something that was meant to remain buried. The truth never remains buried though, not really, somehow it will always creep back in ugly and twisted. Arcane has never felt “at home” but she’ll do whatever it takes to keep what she considers her family safe.

Sweet Dreams: Historical Fiction, Thriller, and Romance.

A literal dream turned into story plot and no I’m not kidding.

The Red String of Fate, The Lovers, and War. These are the three elements intertwined within the plot of Sweet Dreams but before anyone makes any assumptions this isn’t some chummy rom-com. There will be tears and heart strings may get yanked clean out because the angst is real. War and love never mix well, it leaves a sour taste in ones mouth and makes the mind question things it shouldn’t. Like is the woman in his dreams the same woman he sees in all his dreams? Constantly he somehow ends up spotting that same ruby red lipstick, honey golden eyes, and brunette hair laying in perfect curls. She’s everywhere except in his actual life. They say you and your soulmate share dreams, living proof of how intertwined souls are. She doesn’t believe in love or the idea of souls, not with the monsters roaming around the countryside and battlefield carrying assault rifles. Society tells her where her place is, but she disagrees and rather create her own destiny.

The Prophet: Paranormal, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.  

A short story I can’t seem to let go or it doesn’t want to let me go, but either way, this story has the makings for something great. It also at times seems strikingly similar to Good Omens, so don’t be surprised.

There’s no anti-christ in this story, he already has a book about himself so let’s not make another one besides there are other stories that need to be told. Such as, have you ever heard of modern day prophets and I’m not talking about those people with cardboard signs saying “the end is near!” or giant churches with people preaching about the end times. No, I’m talking about a kid with messy hair and dark circles under their eyes because sleep is no longer a choice due to migraines that plague them every night. Migraines that bring weird cryptic messages that make one question their own sanity. And what happens when strange people start asking about said migraines and messages?

Virago: Fantasy, Thriller, Historical Fiction, and Romance.

I’m not a huge fantasy reader, for some reason I can’t stay invested in them, but here I am with a fantasy story in my wips. It has mages, knights, assasination plots, and one super badass general who takes zero shit from her king. That’s right women empowerment, my dudes! I don’t really have much of a synopsis inline or a plot because this is only of those wips I let rattle around in my brain from time to time. But I will say it does give me that LOTR vibe but also Game of Thrones.  

Don’t be surprised if you see my stray doggos from time to time because I will admit I love to play around with storyboards. Even if I don’t have a fully planned out plot put together for it.

And that concludes this what was supposed to be short Writeblr Intro. I hope I have peaked some of your guys’ interests because the community definitely got a hold of minee. Feel free to send me a message about anything I mentioned (even if it’s just fandom shit I don’t care) and don’t be shy. I’m a huge introvert but somehow love talking, so don’t worry it won’t be awkward and odds are I’m equally nervous about conversation lol. Also, feel free to add me to any taglist and reblog/like if you’re active and would like more Writeblr mutuals!

Happy Writing,

Writings-from-the-Hart

[honestdreams]

Attached at The Hip | Peter Kavinsky

The music pounded loudly against my ears as I danced with Lara Jean, holding hands to stay close together while we sipped from the classic red solo cups in our opposite hands.

“Hey where’s Peter?” Lara Jean whispered into my ear, trying to talk over the loud music.

I looked around, trying to spot my tall brown haired boyfriend in the sea full of people, but saw none of his familiar curls.

“Umm I’m not sure. He was talking to his boys before but now he’s not even in the same room anymore.” I shrugged and pouted.

“That’s surprising. Usually you guys are attached to the hip.” She teased.

I blushed at her comment but smiled to myself, before leaning close to whisper in her ear again, “I’m going to go look for him.”

She nodded and let go of my hand, letting me go off. I carried my drink over people’s heads, afraid I was going to spill it if I didn’t, being my clumsy self as I squeezed my way out of the room.

I noticed Greg still playing beer bong near the pool and asked him where Peter went. “Pete? I think he said something about the bathroom.” He shot over his shoulder before scoring and earning a cheer from his team mates.

I sighed and headed upstairs to the bathroom. Freezing when I hear two familiar voices from outside of the bathroom, Peter…and Gen? His ex-girlfriend.

I held my breath, hoping this wasn’t my worst fears come to life. I quickly opened the door and felt my heart shatter.

Gen was pressed up against the counter, no space between her and him. Their bodies nearly intertwined, especially with Peter’s almost undone shirt and the closeness of their faces.

I knew I had walked in on something I shouldn’t have.

“Sorry, I was just looking for my boyfriend, but I guess he’s not in here.”

I quickly slammed the door and ran, wanting to leave the party immediately; not caring that I almost ran into people, and the yelling of my name from both Peter and Lara Jean.

I got my coat and threw open the front door, brushing away my tears as I chucked on my jacket, texting my mom to come pick me up, just wanting to put space between Peter and I, but a hand around my wrist stopped me from getting any further away.

“Please baby please. Let me explain.” Peter begged. Staring into his hazel eyes was one of the hardest things I had ever done. They were so full of pain and regret, that I just wanted to jump into his arms, forgive him, and tell him everything was going to be okay, but I didn’t even know if that was true. So I had to stand my ground.

“What explain that you were about to have sex with Gen on the bathroom counter? No thank you.”

“It wasn’t like that and you know it.” He tried to reason with me but I pulled my hand away from his and wrapped my arms around myself.

“I don’t know anything anymore. I thought you loved me but I was wrong.”

“I do love you.”

“Peter I don’t want to talk to you anymore. You were gone so I went looking for you, and found you in the bathroom with Gen. There’s nothing else to say.” I tried to keep my voice calm and leveled, as I fought my emotions that just desperately wanted me to cry. I wanted to go home.

I started to walk away, but Peter continued to follow me, wanting to explain himself, but I was just too tired to listen to him. I know how this story goes. I read and wrote enough love stories to know he was too good for me and would eventually leave me for someone else.

“Baby girl, you know nothing happened between us. She just invited herself in, even after I said the bathroom was occupied. I love you Y/N, I would never chest on you.”

“And the fact that she was pressed up against the counter by you meant nothing?”

“Of course not I-”

“Peter I’m tired. I just want to go home.”

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, “Okay I’ll drive you home.” He turned around to walk to his car but I stood in place.

“No. I didn’t mean go home with you.”  I mumbled looking down at my shoes.

Before he could say anything else, luckily my mom pulled up next to us.

“I’ll see you at school Kavinsky.” I mumbled before getting in the car, and telling my mom to just drive away.

Stopping myself from looking back, knowing if I did I would break, because whenever I saw a broken look on Peter’s face, nothing else mattered except holding him and making him feel better, but today I couldn’t do that because that meant getting out of this car and forgiving him.

I wasn’t ready to do that yet.

/

I sat in my bed, legs crossed with my leg shaking up and down, as I watched my phone continue to ring and light up from Peter’s calls and texts. It had been two days since I last saw him. The party was Friday Night, and it was now Sunday afternoon.

If I was honest with myself, I knew I missed him, but I couldn’t get the image of him being with another girl out of my head. It broke my heart. Made me sick to my stomach. That’s why I couldn’t face Peter, my head was clouded with terrible thoughts of him, like was he just a typical jock that cheated on his girlfriend once he got tired of her? But how could he be?

He was so sweet, loving and caring… but she was also his ex-girlfriend, the girl before me, the one he was obsessed with.

You never really get over the love of your life. I know because Peter is mine, and I know that if we break up, I will never be able to look at the world the same. He has brought so much light and colour into my life that I even don’t remember what it’s like to be without him.

So to have not talked to him in two days was heart wrenching.

Bump! My head shot over to my window as a body rolled into my room through the window, and I almost screamed until I realised who it was.

“Peter Grant Kavinsky are you crazy?! What are you doing in my room?”

“You were ignoring my calls, texts, and even my attempts to come through the front door. You promised to always leave this window open for me. So if you really didn’t want me to come through, you would have locked it.”

I internally groaned, forgetting about my window, not thinking that he would actually climb my tree just to talk to me, but I forgot he’s Peter Kavinsky. I stayed quiet, moving to sit on the edge of my bed.

“So what you’re just going to ignore me?” He spoke frustrated, running his fingers through his hair.

I glanced at him feeling incredibly shy, “you wanted to talk, so talk.” I mumbled out, still not looking him in the eyes.

“Baby girl, look at me.” He whispered gently, getting down on his knees in front of me, placing his hand on my thigh, trying to encourage me to face him.

After a deep breath I finally looked up. His eyes were puffy and red, just like the night I left him.

“I need you to know that I love you okay? And even if you don’t want me anymore, I’ll wait. I’ll follow you forever, until you forgive me Y/N, because you are the most amazing girl I’ve ever met and I’m not letting you go, ever. You’re stuck with me. Even though nothing happened that night, I know you, and I know I’ll have to earn your trust again,” he took my hands in his and kissed my knuckles, “but I’ll wait, because I am unconditionally in love with you. Only you.”

I didn’t realise the tears streaming down my cheeks until Peter chuckled and brushed them away. “Awe baby girl don’t cry.”

“Oh my gosh Peter, you just can’t say all that and not expect me to cry. God you’re like a fictional character, you’re too perfect.” I admitted, covering my hands over my face.

He quickly pulled my hands away from my face and cupped my cheeks, continuing to brush my tears away, taking a seat next to me, “You know I’m not perfect, I mean I made you cry, that’s far from perfect in my books.”

I sniffed and looked into my boyfriend’s hazel eyes seeing so much love and affection in them, “I love you Peter Grant Kavinsky.”

He chuckled and a tear of joy fell from his eye, “I love you too Y/N M/N L/N.”

I smiled and kissed away his tear before pressing my lips against his, wrapping my arms around his neck and sitting on his lap as he pulled me closer to him.

“Now I’m really never going to let you, you’re going with me everywhere, even the bathroom.”

Hes so fucking cute and such a dream boy, like I hope to find a boy like him

Masterlist

I’ve become Peter Kavinsky trash, I mean I adore him so much that he made me write wtf. I know I apologize and promise every time I post but I’m sorry I can’t keep my promises but I’m really appreciative to everyone that sticks around and follows me. I’m really close to 1k and that blows my mind thank you guys. I love you ♡ I hope to write more soon

Anyone request your little hearts out and don’t be afraid to talk to me, I still don’t have any friends lol

[lovemesomerafael]

El Amor Todo Lo Puede         Chapter 53:  After The Storm

For @thomas1340, who has been waiting a LONG time

Chapters 1-50  Chapter 51  Chapter 52

Laura had very quietly asked Sonny Carisi to take her to the airport, and asked him not to tell anyone. She had said her goodbyes to everyone else.  She really couldn’t do it again.  And she had a particular question she needed to ask Sonny.

One lone tear streaked her face as, for the last time, she locked the door of the apartment she’d shared with Rafael.  She’d almost made it without crying.  She would have been OK, except for the hollow sound the door made in the apartment as it closed.  That hurt. It sounded like her heart felt.  

Sonny took her suitcase from her and they walked together to the elevator.  

The pain on Sonny’s face reflected her own.  She wanted to comfort him, even as he tried to comfort her.  “I wish I knew what to say.  I don’t know how to help.  I want to, so much.  But I don’t…”  

“I know, Carisi.  And you are helping.  It’s just… gonna take a long time.”

They were silent all the way to Sonny’s squad car, parked directly in front of the building with the emergency flashers going.  Today was hard enough without getting into it with some flunky about fucking parking.

When they had buckled in, Carisi turned to Laura.  “You said there was a question you wanted to ask me.”

“Yeah, there is.”  She took a deep breath.  “I need to know, Sonny.  Would you tell me…  when you pray…  is God still there?”

The question, and the lost, frightened look in her eyes, broke his heart.

“Yes.  Laura, yes.  And He loves you.  And He loves Rafael.  And He’s got you.  I don’t know much, but I know that.”

“I’m so mad at Him, Sonny!  I’m so mad at Him for letting me waste so much time when I could have been with Rafael, and then taking him away as soon as we found each other.”

“I know.  Me, too.  And that’s OK.  God can handle us being mad at him.  If you’re mad, be mad.  He knows, anyway.”  Sonny blew his nose loudly enough to make Laura grin through her tears.  

“And one more thing-” he began.

“Don’t tell me it’s His plan.  I hate His fucking plan!  His plan sucks!”  Laura’s anger, always near the surface these days, flared. Sonny wasn’t bothered by it.  He shared it.

“You’ll see Rafael again.  You’ll be together again.  He’s not gone.  He’s just gone from here.”

“OK.”  She couldn’t say more than that at this point.  She didn’t know what she believed.  But she heard Sonny say it.  And she listened.

“So the reason I asked you to come get me so many hours ahead of my flight is, I wondered if you would, um… go to Mass with me?  I thought maybe I could hold onto you and you could believe for both of us.” 

“I’d be honored.”

“St. Augustine’s has a Mass in half an hour.”

Sonny nodded and pulled the car out into the street.

*********

Date:  September 15    1430pm From:  Laura.Parker@freemail.com To:  Peter.Stone@statesattorney.IL.gov Subject:  Hi from Stockholm

Hi, Peter,

Hope you will recognize my name after so long.  If you delete this, I deserve it.  I got your cards and emails, and I don’t know the words to tell you how much I appreciated them.  You’re so much better of a friend than me.  Sorry I didn’t write before.  I’d rather talk to you than pretty much anyone else, I just haven’t really been talking to anyone for a while.  Except my Mom, of course.  That shit doesn’t fly with her.  And Lucia, of course, because… well.

I hope I told you how much it meant to me that you came to New York.  I don’t really remember much that week.  So if I didn’t tell you, I knew you were there and it mattered.

Don’t know whether you heard this, but I’m in Stockholm, of all places.  Liv helped me find this assignment and here I am, trying to learn how to pronounce letters we don’t even have in English and words that, between you and me, are really longer than is entirely appropriate. 

I’m OK.  I like it here.  My job is all computer geekery all the time.  It’s interesting.  Do you believe I’m a fed?!  We’ve been working on this one case for seven months, and they finally made the arrests this week.  The only downside is they don’t let me beat anyone up.  

A friend from work, Maiken, is showing me Stockholm.  So between work and exploring with her, I have enough to think about other than my sorry self.  Thank God, most people here start learning English in grade school, so my hellacious rudimentary Swedish isn’t so much of a handicap.  Maiken taught me how to swear (no surprise I learned that first) which comes in handy sometimes on the Tunnelbana (subway to us). 

I know I’m not worthy, but be merciful and write me back.  I want to know how you are.  I ask my idiot brothers but they suck.  They only remember the scores of the games you go to.  I hope you wear a disguise when you see them so no one associates you with them.

Love you.

 Date:  September 15    1450pm From:  Peter.Stone@statesattorney.IL.gov To:  Laura.Parker@freemail.com Subject:  Re:  Hi from Stockholm

Sunshine,

So great to hear from you.  I can’t stop smiling.  And here I am writing you back immediately.  What a sucker.  So glad you’re doing OK but you’re too far away.  I was mad when you left the country, but I know short of leg irons there’s no stopping you.  

I’m good.  Got a promotion.  Yay, me.  Mark asks me why I bother having an apartment, then answers himself it’s where my clothes live.  Weekly, he says this and expects me to laugh.  My life.  

I miss you, Sunshine.  Please tell me when you’re coming home.  Or tell me when I can come see you.

I love you, Peter

 Date:  September 15    1510pm From:  Laura.Parker@freemail.com To:  Peter.Stone@statesattorney.IL.gov Subject:  Re: Hi from Stockholm

Hi, Peter,

I’m writing you back right away, too.  Who’s the sucker now?  Congratulations on your promotion!  Mark’s joke sounds so much like him.  I miss him. I miss you.  

Would you really want to come see me here?  I told Maiken about you and she wants to meet you.  Beware: she has the messiest love live I’ve ever encountered.  It’s like Game of Thrones, except with - no, it’s pretty much Game of Thrones.  You have been warned.  But she’s cool.  She shows you amazing places to eat and teaches you how to swear in Swedish.  

I can never figure out the time difference, but I think we can text if you want to.  There’s some shit you have do on your phone (technical phrase) but I can look into it if you want.  

Love, Laura d/b/a Sunshine

 Date:  September 15    1520pm From: Peter.Stone@statesattorney.IL.gov To:  Laura.Parker@freemail.com Subject:  Re: Re: Hi from Stockholm

Sunshine,

No I don’t want to fucking text, I want to hear your voice!  Give me your number or call me.  

Peter

 Date:  September 15    1620pm From:  Laura.Parker@freemail.com To:  Peter.Stone@statesattorney.IL.gov Subject:  Re: Re: Hi from Stockholm

Peter,

Rawr tiger.  I called you but you didn’t answer.  You should have my number in your phone now, though.  I also texted it to you.  Call me but only if you’re going to be nice because I’ve thought about you a lot and in my thoughts you’re nice.  I have no idea how it works, if we can just call and it’s like in the US or if we’ll get a massive bill but I don’t care.  I heard your voice on your message and now I can’t wait to talk to you.  Even if you’re not nice.

Love, Laura

Date:  November 18    0953am From:  Peter.Stone@statesattorney.IL.gov To:  Laura.Parker@freemail.com Subject:  Flight Info

Sunshine,

My itinerary is attached.  Looking so forward to seeing you.  Your family is pissed that you’re going to be with me for the holidays instead of them.  I pretend to feel bad.  

I want to bring you a present. What should I get you?  

Love, Peter

 Date:  December 8    2120pm From:  Laura.Parker@freemail.com To:  Peter.Stone@statesattorney.IL.gov Subject:  St. Thomas!!!  

Hi, Peter,

Here is a picture of me and Maiken. I’m the one on the left.  So you’ll recognize me.  Holy shit, I’m going to see you in two weeks!  

You mentioned my family is pissed I’m spending the holidays with you.  You have ignored my question (twice) about how Katie feels about it.  She must be some kind of fucking saint if she’s not tearing you limb from limb.  For the millionth time, she can totally come!  I don’t want to cause trouble for your love life and I’m dying to meet her.

Love, Laura

P.S.  For my Christmas present, you have to be in all the selfies I want.  I know how much you hate them but you are wrong.  Terribly, dreadfully, completely, utterly wrong.  

 Peter: Just landed.  See you when you get here.

Peter: Checked in.  Place is nice.    

Laura: In line in customs.  WTF.  I brought like 2 bikinis and a dress.  Do I really need to be behind the family with 9 kids who are apparently emigrating here and brought everything they own?  There may be livestock.  I’m about to lose it.  For real.

Peter: DO NOT lose it.  If you cause an international incident and make me miss out on those bikinis I will not be happy.

Laura: Can’t help it.  I’ve been on a different continent from you for over a year and now we’re on the same tiny island and I’m trapped in bureaucratic hell.  I’m not the most patient person.

Peter: Indeed.  Really?

Laura: FU  😊

 It was after ten p.m. when Laura finally arrived at the hotel.  She intended to check in, get to her room, take a quick shower, and then let Peter know she was there.  She didn’t want to be hagged out after over a day travelling when he saw her for the first time in over a year.  She should have known.  As she dragged her suitcase wearily across the rough tile floor of the lobby to the hotel’s check-in desk, she caught sight of Peter as he stood up from a wicker settee across the room.  

For a moment, she just stood staring at him as he strode across the lobby toward her, smiling so hard it looked like it hurt.  Or maybe she just thought that because her own smile was painfully wide.  Sweet merciful heaven, he was so fucking beautiful! Everything about him was gorgeous, including his too-short hair and the truly heinous flowered board shorts he wore. She dropped the handle of her suitcase and let her carry-on fall to the floor as she ran toward him and leapt into his arms.  He instantly swept her off her feet and she wrapped her legs around him, squeezing him with all her limbs as hard as she could.  Both laughed and cried.  

The desk attendant was becoming a little uncomfortable the longer they embraced, laughing and wiping tears, saying all the stupid things people said when they met after a prolonged absence. Americans, she thought.  Give me some nice, polite Japanese people anyday.  And these two looked a little old to be behaving like this, anyway.  Her eyes widened when, many minutes later, the woman came to the desk and checked into her own room, separate from the man’s, and not even adjoining.  Affair? But no, no one was joining them; they each had booked a room for only one guest.  Whatever, the desk clerk thought.  The day I understand the weird shit tourists do…

While Laura showered, Peter relaxed on her balcony, sipping a beer he’d brought from his own room.  It wasn’t long before she appeared, toweling off her wet hair and wearing an ankle-length cotton halter dress in a very colorful print.

“You should have warned me about that dress,” Peter said, holding a hand over his eyes.  “I woulda worn my sunglasses.”

“I got two words for you, hotshot. Those shorts.”  

“Where’d you get a dress like that in Sweden?”

“Amazon.  Like the entire rest of the known world.”

Their conversation went on like that, light and happy and easy, while Laura combed her hair and they sat watching the waves.  Even at night, there was enough light to see the rocky shoreline in front of their balconies.  Laura was exhausted after travelling for over a day, but didn’t want to miss one second with Peter.  Eventually, she simply couldn’t sit anymore and said that she needed to stretch out.

“C’mon,” she said, “We can talk in here.”  

In a very short time after they laid down on her bed, she under a sheet with her head on the pillows, he on top of the sheet with his head at the foot of the bed, they fell into a deep sleep. Peter woke during the night, and thought about crawling in with Laura, but decided it was best just to grab a pillow and stay where he was.  There was no chance he would go back to his room, alone, when he could be here with her.

 The next day, they hurried through breakfast so that they could catch a dive boat leaving for a sheltered bay perfect for amateurs.  They snorkeled all day, exploring the bay and pointing at colorful fish, taking underwater selfies (which Peter said were the only thing stupider than selfies on land but tolerated all day long), and enjoying the sun and warm water.  They had been smart enough to bring sun guard shirts, since both were coming from cold climates and had no tans at all.  By the time the boat landed back at the pier near their hotel, they were both too tired to think about trying to shower and get dressed to go out for dinner.  They settled for stew chicken from a street vendor they passed on the walk back to the hotel.

An hour after they returned to the hotel, Peter heard Laura’s knock on his door.  She had showered and just knotted her wet hair at the back of her head, and was wearing a cool, cotton wrap dress that actually belonged to her friend Maiken.  When Peter opened the door, he was wearing those damn board shorts again, and nothing else.  As always, Laura immediately noticed his trim, muscular torso and his lovely, brawny arms.  Tonight, though, she hoped he was planning to put on a shirt.  

They sat on Peter’s balcony in the cool evening breeze, looking at the pictures they’d taken that day. There were some beautiful shots of the schools of yellow and purple fish, some of sea turtles swimming near them, and several very cute photos of the two of them.  They’d also taken pictures of each other, some of which were very good, and some of which they teased each other about.  

When they had tired of the pictures, they sat, side by side, sipping drinks and watching the moon come up over the water.  

“I could live here,” Laura noted.

“You don’t like Stockholm?”

“I like Stockholm a lot, but it’s cold most of the time.  I love this warmth.”

Peter sighed contentedly.  “It really doesn’t seem like Christmas.”

“It doesn’t.”

He looked over at her.  “Which, I’m guessing, is the point?”

Laura didn’t look at him. She took a long drink of the passionfruit juice she was nursing.  “I don’t want the holidays.  Can we leave it at that?”

“Sure.  I want to hear more about Stockholm.”

Laura didn’t know whether Peter gave two shits about Stockholm, but she loved him for changing the subject.  He was actually quite interested in her new life, but he also knew that this was only her second Christmas without Rafael, and that the two of them had gotten engaged on New Years’ Eve.  Peter understood why Laura would need to ignore the holidays for a while.  

They talked about a lot of things as they sat there, sometimes sharing stories about their work, sometimes talking about the Parkers, sometimes showing eachother photos and goofy internet memes on their phones.  At one point, Peter scrolled past a picture of himself and a woman, sitting at a restaurant table clinking cocktail glasses and smiling.  He had his arm around her.  

“Wait, wait!  Go back.  Is that Katie?”  She asked.

Reluctantly, Peter scrolled back and handed Laura his phone.  “Yeah, that’s Katie and me on my birthday.”

“Wow.  She’s a knockout.”

“Yeah.”  

Laura handed Peter back his phone. “What?”

“Nothing.  She’s beautiful.  Yes.”

“Hmmmm.  Not detecting a lot of enthusiasm there.  ‘Nothing.  She’s beautiful.’” She mimicked.

“I don’t really want to talk about Katie.  Can we leave it at that?”  

They looked at eachother and Laura shrugged more casually than she felt.  “Of course.”  

A silence descended, during which Peter absently flipped through pictures on his phone and Laura looked out at the waves and the moon.  After a few minutes, Peter held his phone out to her and showed her a picture of the two of them huddled under a blanket at a Chicago Bears game, snow falling thickly on their hats and on the rowdy crowd around them.  They chuckled.

“That was so damn cold,” Peter said.

“My toes hurt so bad when they thawed out.  I thought I had frostbite.”

“Good game, though.”

“Great game.  Worth losing a couple toes.  How many years ago was that?”

“Don’t ask me that.  I turned forty last year.  I don’t like to think about how long ago stuff was.”

Another silence.  

“Peter?”

“Hmmmmm?”

“I would like to have one minute of serious conversation, and then no more for the rest of our time here. You game?”

He looked out to sea.  “One minute.”  He made it sound like one minute of having bamboo under his fingernails.

“Are you OK?”  

He looked over at her, surprise on his face.  “You’re the one who…  Yeah, I’m OK. I’m supposed to be asking you that.”

“Don’t lie to me, Peter Stone. I’ve known you too long.  I’ll tell you how I am if you’ll tell me how you are.”

“Sunshine, I’m fine.  I just don’t feel right about talking to you about some other woman.  And, to be honest, turning forty kind of kicked my ass.  I’ll be OK.  If that’s the worst problem I have, I’m doing pretty good.  OK?”  

She looked hard at him for a moment.  “OK. But you can talk to me if you want. And, for the record, you’re a seriously hot old guy.  I’d hit that.”

Peter couldn’t help but laugh. Only she would say something like that to him.  Only she could.  “Well, thanks for that.  Now you. How are you?  Really?”

“I’m… OK.  I feel like I’ve been frozen and I’m kind of thawing out around the edges, you know?  I don’t really want to, but that’s what seems to be happening.”

“You’re too young not to.”

“Fuck,” she said, with some bite in it, then sighed heavily.  

“You’re going to be OK, Sunshine.”

“Yeah, I guess. Someday.  But not today.  And not tomorrow.”

Peter reached out a hand and she put her hand in his.  Their fingers entwined.  

“You’re my best friend, you know,” he said, looking out over the moon-dappled sea.

“You’re my best friend, too.”

“Can the minute of seriousness be over now?”

“Hell, yes.”

Again that night, they eventually moved to stretch out on the bed to talk, and fell asleep next to one another. This time, Laura was the one who awoke in the night.  She was cold from being uncovered in her thin, short dress, and crawled under the covers, resisting the temptation to cuddle up to Peter.

*************

The rest of their time in St. Thomas was spent lounging in the sun, sightseeing, kayaking, swimming and snorkeling. They were surprised to find that the most fun they had wasn’t in the ocean, but ziplining through the rainforest canopy. Peter’s favorite picture of the trip was one that an attendant had taken of them, wearing helmets and harnesses and laughing their heads off.  

True to their agreement on that second night, they had spoken about most aspects of their current lives, but hadn’t tried to tackle any subject more difficult than annoying coworkers.  The front desk clerk who had checked Laura into her room would have been very confused by the fact that they never spent one night sleeping apart, but never got more intimate than the hug they’d shared that first night in the lobby.