#cas carrying dean's soul in his hands is my favorite thing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

myaimistrue · 3 years

Text

my gift for the wonderful @lotsofquestionslimitedanswers as part of the @starrynightdeancas gift exchange! i hope you love this sweet bit of fluff as much as i loved writing it <3

also available on ao3

Cas has fought celestial battles. He has seen the rise and fall of human civilizations, he has razed cities and healed kings, and he has been the only thing outside of God’s control. Yet somehow, someway, he is being bested by a pan of scrambled eggs.

He lets out a string of curses he would never have even dreamed of fifteen years prior, and carefully carries the smoking pan to the trash can. He dumps as much of the blackened lump as he can unceremoniously into the trash can and sticks the pan, still coated in bits of burned eggs, back on the stove.

Cas is trying to make breakfast to bring to Dean in bed. He’s doing okay, he thinks, except now there just won’t be any eggs. Or pancakes. (Cas actually thought the batter turned out pretty nicely, but when he went to pour the first bit into the pan, his hand slipped—he spent a good twenty minutes cleaning all of that up.) At least there’s still bacon. Shit, the bacon!

Cas rips the oven open, still cursing, and just barely remembers to put an oven mitt on before he pulls the pan out. Thank God, the bacon is on just the right side of burnt, sizzling and crispy but not blackened yet. He breathes a sigh of relief, and sets the pan down carefully beside the other on the stove. Well, Dean’s always enjoyed bacon the most—if breakfast is just that, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Cas figures he can at least make some toast to go with it. Unfortunately, he forgot to buy more bread at the store yesterday, so there are only three pieces left, two of which are end pieces. He toasts them all, gnawing on a thumbnail and trying to convince himself that Dean won’t hate all of this.

Cas has only been back, free from the Empty and fully human, for a month. It’s been a good month, mostly, full of reunions and laughter and slowly but surely figuring things out. He and Dean share a bed now, share a life in a way they never did before, and it’s good. Cas is learning to be human again, and every step of the way, Dean is with him, endlessly patient and gentle with all of it, seemingly happy just to be with him at all. And Cas gets to kiss Dean when he wants, gets to hold his hand and brush his fingertips along the crinkles at the corners of Dean’s eyes, and every day, he gets to tell Dean he loves him.

The only problem, really, is that Dean hasn’t said it back yet.

Cas knows Dean loves him. It’s clear now—it was clear from the moment he stumbled out of the Empty and into Dean’s trembling arms—and Cas understands that Dean shows it in different ways than words. He shows it in the way he sat with Cas for an hour helping him learn to tie his shoes, the way he makes PB&Js without complaint whenever Cas requests them, the way he slides his hand into Cas’s while driving and runs his thumb back and forth along Cas’s palm. Regardless of whether he says it out loud, Dean loves Cas with such ferocity that Cas sometimes worries he can’t match it.

So Cas is doing what he can: he’s making breakfast in bed.

He arranges the limited food on an old wooden tray, along with two mugs of steaming coffee and a jar of Dean’s favorite apricot jelly that he did remember at the store. Cas studies his handiwork critically, then adds a few napkins (amidst all the change, Dean remains a very messy eater). The end result looks nice, Cas thinks. Better than he worried it might, at least.

Slowly, carefully, Cas makes his way out of the kitchen, and to the bedroom he now shares with Dean. The door is cracked from when Cas left earlier, and he can see the corner of the bed, the way Dean’s pulled all the blankets over to his side. Cas smiles at how familiar that’s become lately—it seems that with the luxury of his own bed, Dean is loath to share the covers; Cas steals them back all night long, but it works out because Dean puts up with his kicking.

He creeps in and sets the tray down on his bedside table. Then, unable to resist, he slips back under the covers and wraps his arms around Dean. Dean stirs somewhat awake, and wiggles back into Cas with a satisfied hum.

“Morning, sunshine,” Dean says sleepily. “Where’ve you been? ’S early.”

“Uh, I was…” Cas glances back at breakfast, and he thinks it looks measly now, small and poorly put together. “I made breakfast. For you to eat in bed.”

“...You made me breakfast in bed?”

“Yeah,” Cas says quietly, tucking his face in Dean’s neck, enjoying the closeness but also trying to hide his embarrassment. “Is that okay?”

“What? ‘Course it is.” Dean sounds like he’s smiling, and Cas can see it in his mind’s eye, that dreamy thing that only comes out when Dean is extremely relaxed. “It’s sweet.”

“Sweet,” Cas says, testing the way the word feels in his mouth.

“Yeah.” Dean’s still half-asleep, unfiltered and unencumbered in a way he rarely is, even now. “You’re real sweet to me, Cas. Always are.”

“Even though the breakfast isn’t good?”

“What?”

Cas sighs. “I messed up the pancakes and the eggs, and there wasn’t enough bread. It doesn’t look good like it does when you make breakfast.”

“I don’t care about that,” Dean says, a little more awake, his voice sure and strong. “I’d eat concrete if you made it for me.”

At that, Cas feels the knots in his stomach begin to unwind, feels his heartbeat slow to match Dean’s. He kisses the back of Dean’s neck, lips lingering on sleep-warm skin. Dean shifts closer.

“We’d better get up,” Dean murmurs. “Don’t want the coffee to get cold.”

“Or the bacon.”

“You made bacon?” Dean sits straight up in bed, sniffing around in the air like a bloodhound and apparently completely awake. Cas rolls his eyes and flops over into the warm spot he left behind, pulling the covers up and over himself again. “I can’t believe I didn’t smell that. Damn, Cas. You outdid yourself.”

“I don’t know about that,” Cas says. He peeks around the blankets as Dean grabs the tray and settles it over his legs eagerly. “It’s not—”

“Oh hell yeah!” Dean looks down at him with a brilliant smile that seems to make everything else around them go dim. “You got the apricot jelly stuff?”

“Yeah.” One thing Cas had done right. “I picked some up at the store the other day. I know it’s your favorite.”

Inexplicably, Dean’s ears go red. “Thanks, Cas.”

“Of course.” Cas sits up and studies Dean’s face like he has for years. Dean’s expression is a little difficult to read, but he’s still smiling. Cas feels himself start to smile, too. “So this is okay? You like it?”

“Dude.” Dean looks at him incredulously, but it’s good-natured, fond. “You’re as bad as me. I’m telling you, this is great. I don’t think I’ve ever had breakfast in bed before. And it’s…” Dean goes red again, this time all the way to the apples of his cheeks, but he continues on valiantly. “Nobody’s ever done the shit you do for me. And I’m so fucking lucky, it’s ridiculous, and I…” The hush of their bedroom seems to grow, to expand, as Dean glances at the tray then back at Cas with some huge emotion behind his eyes. “I love you.”

Cas blinks. “You—”

“I love you.” Dean says again.

“You love me,” Cas repeats breathlessly. He knew it would come eventually, he did, but this—this is worth the wait.

“I love you.” Dean laughs like he can’t quite believe it, like he’s so happy it’s ridiculous, it’s impossible. “Holy shit, there it is. I said it. I love you. You made me breakfast in bed, and I fucking love you.”

Cas surges up, unable to hold himself back any longer. He takes Dean’s face in his hands and kisses him as deeply as he can, as deeply as he’s ever wanted to. Dean is surprised at first, but meets Cas in the middle like he always does, takes what Cas gives him and then takes some more. They only separate when the tray is in danger of tipping all of their breakfast over onto the floor.

“Let’s eat first?” Dean says sheepishly. “And drink the coffee?”

Cas’s face hurts from how hard he’s smiling. “Yeah. Okay.”

So they sit side-by-side in bed on top of the covers, sharing bacon and toast, sipping coffee between secret little smiles, and Cas relishes every bit of it, every human moment. He watches Dean chew, enraptured by the image he makes: the sunlight behind his head a halo, the holiness of his soft grey shirt and sleep-mussed hair, and all of it, eclipsed the golden shine of a soul Cas can no longer see but can feel—even in his humanity, he knows he can feel it.

“I love you,” Cas says.

And when Dean says it back, his face is more beautiful than anything in heaven.

#starrynightdeancas gift exchange #deancas #destiel #deancas fic #destiel fic #spn #del's writing #offbeattraxx #userzaddy #gardenercas

191 notes · View notes

wormstacheangel · 3 years

Text

have some latinenatural for day 1 of @spnprideweek dean trying to come out to himself

Dean didn’t like going down this neighborhood. It never made him any money, plus the block is a dead end, so he always ends up circling back around with his heavy cart. His Tio always yelled at him for it, wasting precious time in a block where nobody paid him any attention because these Americanos aren’t used to people walking around selling comida.

Pero Dean always had one customer that always came running out whenever Dean came around, and he was worth the extra minutes he had to petal in the hot sun.

“Dean!”

Dean hears his name, expecting it but still feeling relief from hearing it. He looks ahead, his fingers stopped ringing the bells that have become background noise to him by now, and sees his favorite customer running out of the big white house Dean can only ever dream of renting. He wouldn’t ever dream of owning; he can’t have dreams so impossible.

Dean petals a little bit faster until he breaks in front of the pretty face he sees at least three times a week.

“Cas.” Dean practically beams at him even though he was trying to stay cool. Smooth. “Mi Angelito.” Dean winks, and he doesn’t miss Cas’s eyes widened and ears blushing at the nickname. “How you been?”

[continue reading under the cut or read on ao3]

Cas was dressed in his usual white button-up and slacks but they looked a lot more ruffled up than usual. His hair looked unkempt as it curled at the ends—Dean wasn’t complaining he loved it—and his typical neat shirt was wrinkled with sleeves pulled up to his elbows. He looked the guy up and down before his eyebrows creased together.

“You okay, Cas?”

“Yeah.” Cas sighed, shoulders slumping as he reached to run his hand through his hair—that probably explains the bed head—before smiling back at Dean with a deep breath. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“If you say so.” Dean jumps off the bike and walks over to his cart. “The usual?”

“Please.”

Dean nods once before getting to work on a raspado de vainilla for Cas. He works in silence for a minute, just the sound of the ice scraping between them before Dean looks back at Cas.

“You know, si quieres, you can talk to me.” Dean looks up to see Cas was already watching him. “I know I’m a nobody, but I hear nobodies are great to vent to.”

“You aren’t a nobody, Dean.” Cas’s expression softens at the words. His eyes brighten as he looks at Dean, almost as if he can see into his soul. Then, just as Dean was about to drown in those baby blues, Cas looked away. His fingers started to twitch as he looked sheepishly at the ground. “Plus, my problems are small. I can deal with them by myself.”

Dean looks away, packing the ice into the cup before reaching to pour the vainilla as he talks. “Yeah, I know you can, pero; I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to.”

Cas is nothing but a customer that Dean has been crushing on—it was a small, slow, and scary realization. The only reason they’re on a first-name basis now is because Cas once left his name tag on, and Dean asked what it meant.

Dean handed Cas his raspado across the cart, Dean needed to keep his distance, but he knew when Cas reached for it, their fingers would touch; he looked forward to the simple touch each time.

They did, and Dean’s breath catches in his throat before he works on chicharrones, lots of limon, and a little bit of chile.

“But I get it, you know, if you don’t want to talk to me.” Dean looks up to see Cas still staring at him but with eyes filling with tears. “Holy shit.” Dean put the bag down and walked around to stand by Cas’s side. He grabbed a napkin from his cart and handed it to Cas to wipe his eyes. “Dude. Dude, please no llores. Don’t cry. People are gonna think I did something to you, and I’ll lose customers.” Dean tries to joke, but Cas doesn’t crack a smile. Instead, he rolls his eyes.

“Dean, nobody but me ever comes out here.”

Dean shrugs. “Potential customers then.” Dean grabs another napkin and reaches to wipe the tears that were already falling. “Estas bien, Angelito. Talk to me.”

“I-I shouldn’t.” Cas accepts Dean’s kindness for a second longer before gently moving Dean’s hand away. “You’re working. Let me just pay you so you can stop wasting your time here.”

Dean nods, stepping away from Cas so as not to seem pushy. As much as he loved being so close to Cas’s face, he didn’t want to seem creepy about it. This neighborhood has eyes everywhere, and Dean couldn’t really risk having his cart, his livelihood, be taken away just cause he has a small crush on the white boy.

So Cas gives him the exact change to the quarter and smiles sadly before he waves goodbye. Dean waves back as he gets on his bike to pedal out of this neighborhood and into a more comfortable one. He didn't ring the bell until he was out of there.

Cas doesn’t come out to see him the next day or the day after that, and now he has to wait until next week to see him. If Cas still wanted to see him.

“I don’t know why you still go over there,” Sam says as he helps Dean unpack the car.

Dean’s side gigs included selling his homemade food Friday through Sunday—he can almost call himself a caterer—while on Thursday, he preps during the day and works as a janitor in a big law office at night. Today was Thursday, so Dean had to wake up early to go to the big marketplace downtown. They sold the chicharrones de harina in bulk for cheap, and they had all the ingredients he’ll need to make the syrups for the raspados himself.

Sam rarely comes with Dean to get all these things since he was always busy with school, but today he came along on the day that Dean ran out of maiz azul. It just meant more trabajo para los dos.

“Or why you still sell raspados when you make more money on the weekend with your food.” Sam continued as they struggled to carry the bag of maiz to the kitchen. They both let out a heavy breath when they finally dropped the bag in the kitchen. Dean’s going to spend the next hour cleaning and soaking the damn corn after this. That doesn’t even include cooking it and finally making the damn masa.

“El trabajo es duro but I like it.” Dean pats Sam’s shoulder before they go back to the car to get the rest of the things. “I like going down neighborhoods and saying hi to people.”

“I get that pero why do you have to go to their side of town?”

Dean doesn’t know how to answer that.

He hasn’t told anyone about Cas. About how one day he was bored and wandered over to that neighborhood only to find Cas laying on his front lawn with a book covering his face. Dean, for some reason, couldn’t help but to ring the bells louder, startling Cas. Dean laughed for half a second before a book went flying to his face, knocking him off his bike. Cas learned too many cuss words in Spanish that day, but the big bruise was worth it.

Still, Dean didn’t want to tell anyone about Cas. Afraid to even speak of him because that would mean that his crush was real. That he had actual feelings, romantic ones, for another guy.

He knows que su Tío no lo va sacar de la casa pero todavía Dean tenía miedo. He was scared to admit this part of himself was real when it felt like a sin in his culture. ¡Ser gay es una cosa pero bisexual! ¡Ni madres! That doesn’t exist. Not where he is from.

So he’ll keep it to himself. Keep Cas as his secret fantasy and nothing more.

“The houses are nice to look at. One day, Sammy!” Sam was already groaning at Dean’s words that sounded more like an old man’s recurring ‘when I was your age’ stories. “One day, I’ll get us a house like that! One where we can each have our own room. And bathroom.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Let’s just finish this so I can go back to my homework.”

“¡Estas pendejo! After this, you’re gonna help me clean the bathroom and throw away the trash before Tio comes home.”

“But Dean,”

“¡Pero nada! ¡Piensas que soy pendejo como tu, pinche mamón! Don’t think I don’t know you spend that time babeando por tu novia.”

“Dean!” Sam quickly passes him in a huff of embarrassment while Dean laughed, following Sam back to the car to get more groceries.

When Monday rolls around, Dean forces himself to come down Cas’s street again. The bells rang softly at first, only getting louder as he came closer to the house. He didn’t see a car in sight, so he thinks maybe Cas isn’t home.

He was already pedaling away when he heard someone call out to him. He hits the breaks half haphazardly, and the gallons shake on his cart, threatening to fall out. He was about to turn around, but then he realizes he hears footsteps running closer, and then he hears heavy breathing by his ear.

“Fuck.” Cas hands rest on his knees as he tries to catch his breath. “Are you-are you trying to run away from me?” Cas looks up with a teasing smile, it was beautiful, and Dean didn’t realize how much he missed him until now. “I am your only customer around here, so that’s a pretty bad business decision if you ask me.”

“I-I didn’t think you wanted to see me.” Dean could have joked around with him, but instead, his mouth decided to kick the conversation off with some honesty. Dean looked down at the bike handles as he talked. “Since you didn’t come out last week, I just figured-”

“Oh.” Cas stood up straight as he ran a hand through his overgrown hair; his clothes looked neat again, though. “I didn’t mean to make you think-”

Dean holds his hand out to stop Cas from talking, feeling embarrassed with every word. “Para. You don’t have to explain. No me debes-you don’t owe me anything.”

“I know that, but I want to. Talk, I mean. If that’s okay with you.” Cas looks at Dean with soft, warm eyes, a drastic difference from the red-rimmed eyes from the last time they saw each other. “After you’re done with work, of course.”

“I um-I usually head home around six. I can um,” Dean rubbed at the back of his neck, not meeting Cas’s eyes as he carefully says. “I can come by after if you want.”

“I would like that.”

Dean's head shoots up to stare back at Cas, who looked shy, pero siempre más guapo que la última vez que Dean lo miró.

At that moment, Dean wanted to lean in and kiss him more than he has wanted to kiss anyone in his 26 years of life, but he won’t. He still wasn’t sure if this was Cas asking him out as a friend or as something more. He was scared, but he knew his heart raced in excitement more than anything.

Dean finally broke away from the staring contest as he cleared his throat to get off his bike. “Todavia quieres-Do you still want your raspado?”

“Oh. Sure!”

It was silent while Dean made raspado, but he couldn’t wait for their fingers to graze again when he handed the cup over to Cas.

“Just the raspado today.” Dean still loved when Cas said it, trying not to laugh even though he loved Cas’s embarrassed blushing. Cas reaches into his pocket, but Dean reaches to touch his shoulder to stop him.

“On the house.” Dean holds it out and just like before their fingers touch, burning him.

“No, Dean, I couldn’t.”

Dean shakes his head to stop him from arguing any further. He jumped back on his bike and looked back at Cas as he said, “You can get me something later. Is seven okay?”

“Seven is…perfecto.” Cas flinched at his Spanish, but Dean couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Pues, te miro mas tarde, Angelito.” Dean reached to pat Cas’s cheek before he started pedaling away.

“Dean! I don’t know what that means!” Cas calls out to him.

Dean doesn’t turn around to respond, mostly to hide the stupid shit-eating grin he had on his face. “I said I’ll see you later!” But he does wave goodbye, ringing the bell as he goes.

Dean really liked him, and it brought fear into his heart pero al mismo tiempo; he hasn’t been this excited to just be around someone in such a long time. So maybe this is his time to accept that maybe, for sure, he is crushing hard on a guy.

Dean sighs as he stops on the sidewalk to hang his head and quietly whispers, “For fucks sakes, soy un pinche gay.”

Well, at least he can admit to himself—sort of.

#spnprideweek #destiel #latinenatural #dean and sam are mexican #cas is the little white boy who comes and ruins lives #deancas #fic #destiel fic #my writing #wormstachewrites #porfa de ser nice over my spanish #this is dean coming out to himself btw #yeah he is bisexual but i think he'll use gay as an umbrella term for right now #sobrenatural #calinatural #tambien cause they live in California in my head

160 notes · View notes

sritzthefirefly · 3 years

Text

The Not-so French Mistake

Pairing: Slight Dean x reader

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: Language

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. Any and all comments on this are appreciated. I’m sorry for any grammatical errors that I might have made. This is my first fanfiction (as a one-shot, I've written a few earlier in poetry form) so please go easy on me.

“You are going to die.”, he states nonchalantly, as if three men entering your house and telling you that you are going to die is an everyday occurrence.

“I…WHAT?!”, I shout, my eyes round as saucers.

Well, today was a seemingly normal day. Until the seemingly normal day wasn’t as seemingly normal as I thought it would be.

2 hours earlier

“Hey, I’ll be leaving now”, my best friend said as she packed the small handbag she always carried around with her.

“Don’t forget the pickle jar and then come back 15 minutes later telling me you forgot the one thing I reminded you about”, I shouted to her from the top of the stairs.

She turned around to pick up the jar from the centre table when her eyes landed on me and she whistled. I pulled the drawstrings of my silk dressing gown tighter as I walked down the stairs.

“Ooooh, would you look at that, someone’s looking good. So, are you going to sleep after I’m gone, or are you going to have some company tonight?”

“I…..I just can’t……not so soon after...ummm……I know I’m stupid but I just wanted to feel good about myself”

She closed the few steps between us and hugged me tightly.

“Hey, you know he’s an asshole. His words don’t count, ok? No guy has the right to make you feel bad about yourself”, she said, pulling away.

“But he…….”

“No missy, you listen here, he’s an idiot who doesn’t deserve you. He should feel lucky he’s not in town or I would’ve kicked him so hard in the balls that impregnating a woman would’ve been a foreign concept to him.”

I gave her a small smile.

“Thanks for hyping me up, love. I’m now going to have ice cream and cry my heart out to sad rom-coms.”

“Bitch, you hate rom-coms. You’re just going to binge-watch Supernatural and you’re not telling me that because you won’t admit that you’re obsessed with the show”.

“Okay, okay whatever……Aren’t you getting late for your train?”

She looked at her watch.

“Oh shit! Bye, see you later.” she said as she ran out of the door, slamming it behind her. I sighed to myself and walked over to the TV, switching it on.

“Self-care time for me now!”, I said to myself, as I opened the fridge to get my favorite ice-cream when suddenly, the doorbell rings. I immediately turned my head towards the centre table and sure enough, the pickle jar was there.

Shaking my head, I picked up her precious jar and walked over to the door, pulling it open.

“I knew you……..”, I stopped short when I saw who was standing outside.

There, standing on my porch were, none other than, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.

And then I woke up.

Yeah, if only it happened that way.

I knew I was looking like an absolute fool in front of them, opening and closing my mouth like a fish, my eyes wide and my breath short as I stood there, taking in the two handsome men adorning my doorstep. They were dressed in their Sam and Dean outfits -plaid, over layers of plaid- it seemed like a scene straight out of a set.

“Hi! You’re Y/N right?”, Jared said in his usual husky voice while Jensen stood beside him, strangely staring at me with something akin to awe in his eyes.

“W…what? I…uh…yeah…I…I am Y/N”, I somehow managed to choke out.

“You’re awesome”, Jensen Ackles breathed out with a sigh with literal heart-eyes in my direction. He cleared his throat and blinked twice and then seemed to step out of his reverie. He gave me a small smile and looked me up and down with a small smirk and I blushed furiously. Wait, was Jensen Ackles checking me out?!

Okay, so there were either of these two things going on- either I was dreaming or I had completely lost my mind. But since I had already pinched myself and well, that damn pinch did hurt, so the situation pretty much tilted towards the latter side. I mean, Jensen Ackles knows me and he thinks I am awesome?!

“Yep, definitely not a fan”, Jared whispers somewhat sarcastically to Jensen to which he replies under his breath with a “Shut up, Sammy!”

I would have paid more attention to what Jensen said had I not had my whole focus on Jared’s last words.

“Ummm…..excuse me? No offense but I’m standing right here and you can rest assured that I am 100% a fan, of both of you. If you don’t believe me, ask me anything about Supernatural.”, I say, crossing my hands across my chest.

“Wha-Supernatural? Like the book Supernatural? You have that here too?”, Jensen asks seemingly surprised.

Alright, is this a game for their show? I thought to myself, utterly confused and dazed. They seem to know my name and well, address too and that can be the only logical explanation as to why Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki are here, on my doorstep. But I couldn’t see any cameras nearby. Maybe they were hidden? Maybe I was meant to be taken by surprise? Oh shit, did I just challenge them right now? Was this being filmed? My mind rushed with a million things- ‘Oh god, I must be looking so stupid right now, acting like a blobfish instead of doing anything!’

I opened my mouth to say something, anything at all, when Jared cut through.

“Ummm I’m sorry, Y/N, but it’s not really a good idea to be standing outside and talking. I promise we’ll explain everything. Can we please come inside and talk?”

“I….uh…..yeah sure. Come inside please.”, I was about to ask what their deal was but changed my mind when I saw Jensen nervously looking around and then back at me, pleadingly.

I closed the door behind me as they settled on the plush red sofa. I walked across the room and sat on the chair facing them.

“Y/N”, Jared started. “There’s no easy way to say this but I’m Sam Winchester and this is my brother Dean. Like, from Supernatural.”

“Ummm…. I’m aware? Despite your contrary belief, I told you I was a fan.”, I said, confused.

“You’re our fan?!”, Jensen asked, somewhat stunned. “Haha sweetheart, am I living my dream!”, he added, his emerald eyes twinkling.

I stared at him through my eyelashes.

“Hold up, quick question, are you a Dean girl or Sam girl?”

“Dean, not now…..”, Jared sighed.

“Dean girl!”, I blurted out, immediately blushing deeply. Jensen’s entire face lit up and I hurriedly added, “No offense to Jared here.”

“Jared? You mean Jared Pada-whatshisname?”, Jensen asked incredulously.

“Padalecki, Dean”

“Son of a bitch! Fake us lives in the same universe as her!”

I started laughing and the both of them turned towards me quizzically.

“Ummm what is this? Some spin-off of The French Mistake?”, I asked.

“The French what?”, Jared looked at me, his eyebrow raised.

“That’s not important right now. Y/N, I know, it’s hard to believe us right now, but we are not your TV actors-we are not Jensen and Jared. I am the actual Dean Winchester and he is my brother, Sam Winchester. The trickster, the archangel Gabriel, owed us a favor and he let us travel into your universe.... Sweetheart please, you have to believe me. I umm uh, I have been a-”

I stood straight up from my chair, angrily.

“I’m sorry but what kind of prank is this? Going to people’s houses and-”, I started angrily when suddenly the entire room got spontaneously flooded with an immensely bright light.

“Cover your eyes!”, a deep, somewhat robotic voice filled the air and I immediately did so to lessen the risk of my precious peepers being completely burned out by an unknown source of dazzling light in my seemingly normal house in the middle of a seemingly normal (absolutely weird) day.

Slowly, the light faded.

And there stood Misha Collins-

No, that could not possibly be Misha. Unless Misha had suddenly evolved to be able to exhibit bioluminescence or had sprouted long black wings from the back of his trench coat or had learned to hover like a bee in mid-air. No, definitely not Misha.

That means, this must…this must be-

“Holy mother of God”, I gasped out.

“I….am….not….the….I am the son of God”, he said, walking across the room to sit beside Jar-no, no......Sam.

Holy shit! CASTIEL?! That means that all this time, Jens- Dean, had not been lying. I collapsed on my chair, my mind, not being able to form a single coherent thought. Dean leaped up from the sofa and rushed to my side.

“Darling….darling, look for yourself, that-”

“He is Castiel.”, I said, boring into Dean’s green eyes, they brought me comfort. “I believe you…… Dean.”

A look passed between Sam and Dean and Dean immediately held my hand and squeezed my palm as an act of reassurance as he beamed at me.

Sam got up from his chair and smiled at me, “Thanks to Cas here, you believe us. At last. I thought you were two seconds away from throwing us out.”

I snorted. A really ugly snort through my nose. In front of three delicious-looking men, especially Dean, who was somehow still looking at me like I was God’s gift to mankind. Hah, no wonder I was single.

I cleared my throat to relieve the awkwardness and continued,

“Well, in my defense, you guys were acting real creepy.”

Yeah sure, not even in my wildest dreams would I actually throw Jensen and Jared out of my house, no matter how creepy they act, but they didn’t need to know that.

“But how…why……..”, I started asking the questions bothering me.

“Umm well, yeah, about that…”, Dean started, gulping.

Castiel walked over and looked at me with downcast eyes.

“You are going to die.”, he stated nonchalantly, as if three men entering into your house and telling you that you are going to die is an everyday occurrence.

“I…WHAT?!”, I shouted, my eyes wide.

Now

“CAS!”, Sam and Dean both exclaim at him at the same time.

“She was asking.…..”

“No Cas, not like that!”, Sam tells him prickly.

“Please tell me what the hell is going on! Why….How am I going to die? What’s happening?!”, I say, hiding my face with my hair.

“Darling, promise me you won’t freak out.”, Dean says, staring straight into my soul. “You are a character from a book in our universe. My favourite book. And trust me, this...you…. I am a huge fan of you. Have been, since I was a child. Now you see, few months ago, we stumbled into your universe when Gabriel pranked us. And then I saw you. I met you. The real you....just….perfect….And I just wanted to.....I mean..... I came back...I came back because…..”

“Because?”

“I know everything. I know how the book ends and I have come back here to save you, darling.”

Tagging - @thatmotleygirl @msmarvelouswinchester @athenapotter @mvdeanw @bts-spnlvr12 @holylulusworld @jensengirl83

#supernatural #dean winchester #dean #dean x y/n #dean x you #dean x reader #spn fanfic #spn fanfiction #dean winchester one shot

79 notes · View notes

proudlylost · 4 years

Text

My 6 favorite SPN fanfics: Supernatural universe

After the SPN finale I kinda got sucked back into the fandom. The excessive amount of fanfiction reading ensued (I re-read all of my SPN fic favorites and then some) and I realised I have actually read quite a lot of them. So I thought I could share them, to highlight all the talented authors there is and also to gather all of my favorites into the one place. This post consist 6 of my favorite supernatural universe fanfics (meaning that the the universe resembles the one in the show, however, most of the fics found here are canon divergent) The AU edition of this fic rec can be found here.

Put Up Your Dukes by saltyfeathers

Dean can't sleep. Cas offers to tire him out.

This is probably my favourite supernatural universe fic. It has all the right elements (imo): pining, bunker domesticity, UST, and cockblock!sam. Cas is badass in this fic and knows exactly what he’s doing, and Dean is Dean, trying to come terms with his attraction to Cas. The smut is good, but I liked the plot as well. Characterization is super on point! The fic is in Dean’s POV and all the remarks he made made me chuckle constantly while reading. Word count: 38,282. Explicit

Après by imogenbynight

When the angels stop falling and Castiel makes his way out of the trees, he finds himself alone and oceans away from the Winchesters. For once, Dean flies to him.

This is very sweet. It is Cas’s POV and happens in France (mostly in Paris), post season 8. Very holiday-y, and quite fluffy, but perfectly written. I read this whenever I need something romantic and this never disappoints. Go read it! Word count: 24045. Explicit

where the weed takes root by deathbanjo

“Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.”

Well, after the spn finale-which-must not-be named this is the best medicine. Domestic curtain-fic with animals (<3) but Dean and Cas are still very much themselves. They have their own problems, but I wish, I wish, that the show would have ended with something like this. The author, deathbanjo is also the master of spn oneshots, so go read their other works, too! Word count: 30227. Explicit

Our Bodies, Possessed By Light by obstinatrix

Purged of all his souls, Castiel is a changed being, stronger than an angel and too powerful for Jimmy's body to contain. Happily, there's an archangel's vessel on hand, and he could use fixing, too. Dean isn't too happy about the idea of his brother acting as a vessel for Castiel, and Sam can guess why, but it isn't until Castiel gets inside his head and they learn to share the vessel -- and their thoughts -- that Sam realises Cas is as in love with Dean as Dean is with him. It's unfortunate that there's nothing much to be done about it now, but Castiel will get another vessel soon. The Winchesters will make damn sure of that. In the meantime, it's up to the three of them to establish their own strange accord, and Dean realises more fully than ever that it's Castiel, and not his vessel, that he loves.

Amazing oneshot (not so short though, +39 000 words)! Dean and Cas are so much in love and poor Sam is stuck in the middle of it. While reading, I kept thinking “Gosh, that would be horrible to love somebody who is stuck in your sibling’s body” even though my rational mind knew that could never happen in real world. It is also good to mention, that this is strictly destiel fic, even given the circumstances. That said, I love how supportive and understanding Sam is in this fic, his and Castiel’s friendship is sweet. Word count: 39,881. Explicit

Assimilation by komodobits

Coda to 12.01 Keep Calm and Carry On.

Mary always thought you were supposed to be able to tell. That you could just look at someone and know they were – you know. One of that sort. It’s not supposed to happen to her son.

This is a little bit different than others in this list. First of all, this is technically coda, and secondly, this is in Mary Winchester’s POV. This is also established relationship fic, and one of the few fics where Dean and Cas are already together. There is also elements of homophobia, but I found it interesting how Mary tries to understand Dean and Castiel’s relationship, because as the author points out, the 80′s were very different time. Word count: 5,652. Mature

There’s Only One Sure Thing That I Know by blinkiesays

Dean doesn't even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby's point: he's faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he's been defeated by the God damn Midwest.

This is another classic in the SPN fandom.Very domestic (there is an Ikea trip), but very believable. Cas and Dean are so married in this, even though there is an element of “didn’t know they were dating”. This is also very old fic, published in 2010, so a lot has happened in the canon since then (a fair warning: Sam is dead in this fic). Anyways, I loved this fic. Word count: 20,355. Explicit

#supernatural fanfiction #destiel fic rec #spn fic rec #supernatural #Destiel #Destiel fanfic #deancas

77 notes · View notes

cajunquandary · 4 years

Text

Hands that Heal

Link: (coming soon to Ao3)

Summary: Sometimes all you need is a little push the right direction...

Created for: @negans-lucille-tblr SPN Secret Santa Fic Exchange

Rating: 18+ only

Pairing: Dean x OFC (Jay)

Warnings: Jealous Dean, fluff, smut, smidge of angst, medical IV (briefly), unprotected sex (don’t be silly, wrap the willy)

Wordcount: 3.8k

A/N: Happy Holidays, @jay-and-dean! I was so ecstatic to have received your name and hope that my ramblings make you smile a little.

It’s a funny thing, the way everyone goes on about the eyes being windows to the soul. Of course, they can be very telling, and if you ever catch yourself getting lost in those of the Winchesters, how could you believe anything else? Or perhaps you are more like Jay.

Jay has been with the Winchesters for quite some time. She’s been lost in those eyes. And she’s been found. The pure green folds of Dean’s have scooped her up, swaddled her, saved her. So have Sam’s hazel, but not in quite the same way. Not that either brother knows. Only Cas.

Cas has seen the way her deep brown eyes linger just a little longer than they ought to, can feel the ache in her chest. There are times when Jay meets the angel’s gaze just afterwards but looks away just as quickly. They both know, but they won’t talk about it. And that’s okay.

But for Jay, she can see beyond the green. Beyond the freckles and blushing pensive lips, the curve of his jaw, the gently rolling hills of his chest and arms. She traces the majestic waves and ripples beneath his warm skin with only her eyes and her heart. They come to rest just past strong wrists and fall like weighted feathers upon Dean’s weathered hands.

You see, that’s where the soul really reveals itself closest to visible flesh. Each scar and busted knuckle tell a story. The pattern of freckles and tan lines speak of years in the sun. The calluses of his palm and fingertips disclose a rough life, a tough job. They are toned with skill, accurate in all things. They can field strip a gun and put it back together in the blink of an eye, tie complicated knots with dexterity, bait a hook and cast a line without hesitation, and even mold and create custom parts for Baby as they fix her up.

And yet, the skin between those marks is soft, no longer as elastic as it once was, but still full of life and love. The very muscles that hold together the bone and sinew have the capacity to both take life, and give it. Jay has watched them rip apart monsters and gently caress and hold victims within the same minute.

Such an extreme duality shouldn’t be so neatly wrapped up in one man, but it was. It was both Dean’s light and his curse. Jay shivered as she hesitated just a moment too long on the fantasy of those thick muscled, deadly, yet oh-so-gentle hands, imagining how they might tickle as they might glide over her smooth skin. Of course, Dean notices.

“There’s no way you’re cold, Jay. It’s a hundred friggin degrees outside!”

Right. Jay had to remind herself that they were on a case. No distractions. “Yeah, I-I’m good. Just got a chill because, ya know, we’re next to human refrigerators.” She swallowed hard and clenched her teeth to help ground herself back to reality.

It really was hotter than a witch’s tit out there and not much cooler inside the mortuary. Dean continued to read silently from some forms on the coroner’s clipboard before licking his thumb and index finger to turn the page. Heat washed over Jay, spreading like drunken honey from her scalp all the way to her toes. She tried to steady her breathing, remain in persona as a stoney FBI agent, but the hot red of her cheeks was giving her away.

She tore her gaze away to inspect the body. Not that anything she made mental note of would stick at this point. Dean cleared his throat and pulled the clipboard closer to his face before setting his thumbnail between his teeth the way he always did when he was laser-focused on something. She only caught a glimpse out of the corner of her eye, but it was the final bit to break her.

With a huff, Jay exclaimed a little too loudly, “There’s nothing here for us, Dean. I’ll be in the car.” Her legs carried her much too quickly out the swinging doors and up the stairs.

“Um, okay?” Dean grumbled to himself before setting the paperwork back in its place and following Jay. “What the hell got into her?”

Jay was glad to leave Texas. Mid-July heat drained her, along with every plant and tree scorched under the unrelenting and searing white sun. The world around them was bleached and bathed in the almost-eerie too-bright light. Well, everything except what existed in the shadows of the Impala. The sparse countryside rolled away mile by mile as time ticked by with every song on Dean’s favorite cassette.

The air conditioning just couldn’t keep up, so Dean rolled down the windows. Jay tied up her locks in frustration, leaving a messy excuse for a bun resting on top of her head. The leather seats did nothing to help as she sweat through her shorts until she was nearly sliding off the seat.

“How much longer until Oklahoma?” She sighed. For the third time that hour.

Dean shot a glare in her direction before settling his attention back on the highway. The heat was getting to him too, and even with sunglasses on, spots were gathering in his vision and impairing him with every piercing flash of the sun off of the windshields of passing cars. “Jay, I swear if you ask me ‘are we there yet’ one more time, I’m going to friggin pull over.”

“Ugh, FINE.” Jay wished to be nearly anywhere but here. Resignation set in and she slumped in the seat and let her bare feet hang out the window, crossing her arms.

Dean turned the music louder, trying to drown out his own misery rather than her. He began to belt out slightly off-key to “Dazed and Confused.”

Jay cracked a half smile but hid it from Dean.

He rapped out the solos on the steering wheel, his hands keeping perfect time as they danced upon the taught leather.

Maybe pulling over wouldn’t be a half-bad idea, Jay thought.

She closed her eyes, allowing the steady rumble of the engine to echo through her as hot wind whipped through the cab. She cracked them open again just long enough to witness the stretch of tight skin over Dean’s knuckles, the way the washed out wilderness blurred past behind them and accentuated the tan he’d gained from driving.

The image was burned into her mind. To help pass the time, Jay granted herself permission to linger on it, explore it. Despite the heat outside, a new, different heat grew steadily in her core, stirring somewhere deep between her heart and soul.

Not too long after, the Impala slowed and turned into a run down gas station--the first one in an hour. As Dean filled up, Jay took the opportunity to find shelter in some air conditioning and hopefully an ice-cold drink. Inside the store was no better. In fact, it was worse. The air was still and thick with humidity from the cooler, which buzzed and whirred as if it were possessed.

“Sorry, Miss. Cooler is out. Hot drinks only,” a disheveled and sweat-drenched employee slouched over the register.

“Thanks… got any pie?” Jay decided that if they had to drink hot water, they may as well have some comfort food.

“Whatever we got is over there.” The clerk motioned with his eyes, no strength to even lift a finger.

Jay stalked back to the car empty handed and more pissed than ever. If the summer heat was something tangible, she could just strangle it. Kick it, punch it. Anything to fight it.

Dean finished up just in time, careful not to touch the scorching black paint and chrome on the car. “What, you go pee and come out with nothing? I’m dyin’ here!”

Jay snapped. “NO DRINKS. NO PIE. NOTHING. K?!”

Dean was taken aback by the outburst. It was then he noticed the sunken look and dark circles under her eyes and the red sheen over her face and neck. She was getting pale and wasn’t sweating anymore.

“Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry.” His brows knit as he drove slowly through the town, hoping for a decent motel to rest at for a while. Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait but a few blocks before The Moonlight Motel came into view.

Pay by the hour may not be the greatest, but at least it was cheap and would likely be empty this time of day.

Jay was losing touch and the following events were a blur. The next thing she truly could grasp and remember was lying mostly clothed in a cold shower. Dean sat facing her atop the closed toilet seat, a worried face perched upon clasped hands. Still a bit out of it, Jay relaxed into the cool water as it slowly washed the fever down the drain. The world slipped away, replaced by a gentle, dark nothing.

When Jay stirred, the room was too dim to still be day and shadows were held at bay by only a small lamp on the far side of the dingy room. She couldn’t remember how she got there at first, but as she woke, things gradually came back to her.

Dean had practically carried her to the room. He’d carefully set her in the bathtub and removed her belt, overshirt and boots. He’d turned on the cold water and at first, she’d protested, but slipped in and out of consciousness. He’d retrieved ice from the machine down the hall and poured it over her as he constantly monitored her vitals and temperature.

He’d withdrawn her, a soaking wet dead weight, stripped away the sopping clothes while careful not to look where it would make her uncomfortable, and buttoned her up in the softest flannel he had.

Jay glanced down at her right hand, as it felt stiff and sore. A needle was taped there, no longer hooked to the empty bag of saline, taped down and left in place just in case. Jay wiggled slightly when she realized that her other arm had gone quite numb beneath her and--Dean?

His soft snores disrupted as she shifted, equally mortified and elated to be nestled into the crook of his arm. Dean woke and rubbed his eyes, as if pretending he’d been awake the whole time. His voice was low and gravely from sleep.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” He looked down at her, so small in his arms, furious with himself for not taking better care of her.

“M-good,” Jay choked out, completely entranced by being so close to the hunter. Close enough for their breath to mix and his cologne to shroud her senses. Close enough to see the flecks of golds and blues and dark greens in the folds of his irises. Her breath caught and she shivered. Again. Jay mentally kicked herself for that tell. “Thank you… Sorry I was being a brat.”

“No. No, this is on me. You were sun-sick. I’m sorry. I should’ve--”

Jay put a finger to his parted lips with only the intention to stop Dean from blaming himself (like always,) but the touch sent electric pulses through her fingertips and set fire to every nerve in her body. They were impossibly soft and warm.

Dean caught her hand tenderly in his before she could pull away and planted a slow kiss on her knuckles. He watched anxiously as her pupils dilated and her breathing became more shallow. Pulling their hands out of the way, Dean leaned forward just slightly and planted a firm, reassuring kiss to her forehead.

Jay’s mind was a mess. This was more than familial. Were they crossing a line? Or maybe it just meant that Dean was comfortable with her, and concerned. But even as the thoughts swirled, her lips had a mind of their own. As Dean traced his nose down hers until their heads were pressed together, Jay angled upward to meet him.

When their lips locked, there was no more question. Jay loved Dean, and he knew and he loved her back. It was soft and sweet, with their eyes shut tight, just exploring and tasting and sucking gently.

The remainder of the trip back to the bunker was spent with Dean humming, a stupid smile plastered on his face, and Jay resting across the front seat, her head in his lap. Dean stroked her soft, brown hair adoringly. The night was much cooler and comfortably dark with only dim, scattered stars to blanket the hunters.

Everything was different after the motel. The kiss.

Almost six months had gone by and for the most part, they’d been wonderful. Jay spent more time in Dean’s room than her own, and the hunts had been good so far, like old times.

Until this one.

Jay, Sam, and Dean were doing a bit of recon at a local bar to dig up some answers, or at the very least, a lead. Jay had dressed to stun, as usual. (After all, men’s lips tended to be a bit more loose around a pretty girl.)

Dean was hovering. Everytime Jay got close to some useful information, Dean would scare off the burly locals with a death glare.

Until this one.

This man was built like a tank. He towered even over Sam by a few inches and dwarfed Jay in comparison. Sam eyed her uncomfortably from a few tables over, but he always got like that when someone was bigger than him. Dean didn’t adjust his tactics at all, and when the big guy had enough of Dean dancing around him and bumping his chair with an insincere, “sorry, man,” the guy stood up and puffed out his chest. Dean moved to both protect Jay and get in a prime fighting position, but Jay yanked him away by the collar of his jacket faster than he could complain.

She didn’t stop until they were completely outside the bar, then shoved him into the soot-covered brick wall. Dean opened his mouth to spout something pigheaded, but stopped himself as he felt the chill of her glare more than the chill of the snow flurries swirling around them.

“Would you just trust me to do my job? What is your problem?”

“I do! I just--” Dean waved in a flustered motion, unable to find the words. All he knew was that when she got a little too... comfortable... with anyone, he saw red.

Still, Jay seemed to understand. She reached up and held his face firmly between her palms, forcing him to maintain eye contact.

“I’m yours. I know that you worry, what you fear. I’m not going to leave you. Ever. No one can ever take me from you, either, because I’ll haunt your ass and you know it.”

Dean’s bottom lips quivered just barely, and he quickly bit it back. “Don’t you even joke about that,” his voice broke.

“De- I’m right here, okay?”

He nodded and leaned into her until his face was buried in her neck. He squeezed his arms around her, never wanting to know what it would feel like to have to let go.

A muffled “let’s go back to the motel” emanated from somewhere within Jay’s scarf and she nodded in response.

Dean grasped her hand as they walked the short distance back to the rented room. Jay stopped dead in her tracks, eyes wide and pointing over to the edge of the woods. A startled “Dean!” escaped her, and Dean dropped her hand and withdrew his gun, ready for a fight. His plumes of hot breath on the air slowed to nearly nothing as he steadied himself and visually searched the area.

What had she seen?

Before he could ask, something hard, round and icey struck the back of his shoulder with decent force. He spun on his heels and lowered his weapon to find Jay wide-mouthed and laughing, another snowball forming in her hands.

“Son of a bitch! You want to play dirty, huh?” Dean howled. He holstered the pistol and raced to close the distance between them. With a squeal and a grunt, the two ended up in a heap in the wet, mushy snow.

Jay managed to end up on top of him and leaned in for a deep kiss. She could feel the smile on his lips as his tongue graced across hers. When at last they came up for air, Dean was moving his arms and legs haphazardly.

“A slush-angel?” Jay giggled at the sorry creation.

“What, my art not good enough for you?” Dean retorted while wearing a shit-eating grin. “And no, actually, it’s a Yeti.”

The wet chill began to sink into their bones, so they hurried onward. Dean fiddled with the key card but the lock gave him fits.

“C’mon, Dean! I’m freezing to death!”

“Yeah, yeah, me too. Hold your horses.”

At last, the door swung open and Jay rushed inside, leaving Dean to close and lock the door behind them. She’d already started stripping off the wet outer layers when Dean approached. With every step bringing him closer, his heartbeat rose and he wrestled out of his own layers.

Jay moved to lift off her shirt, but Dean covered her hands with his, intertwining their fingers. He stood against her, and in one swift move, wrapped both of her wrists in a single firm grip behind her, and with the other, pressed an open palm against her belly.

Jay gasped, her knees going weak with what she knew was coming next. Despite the weather, his touch was toasty. Coarse skin slid over her soft flesh, causing a friction that left Jay needing more. Heat flushed her cheeks and pooled deep in her stomach. Dean melted with every shuttered breath of hers as he stroked up and down beneath the fabric of her shirt, making sure to linger over the more sensitive areas as she twitched and bit down on her lip.

Dean massaged her breasts with skilled fingers for a few moments, but a sensual twist of her nipple sent Jay reeling backwards, supported only by Dean’s other arm. With her head tilted back, Dean took the opportunity to kiss and suck and nip zig-zagged lines over the most delicate parts of her neck and along her collarbone.

Jay squirmed and panted with lust-blown pupils and a cry just on the tip of her tongue. Dean’s grasp only steadied her against him more until he found himself grinding into her, faint moans already filling the air. The growing bulge in his pants drove Jay mad. She wanted to be covered by him, skin on skin, needed him inside her.

“D-Dean please, please…” Jay whimpered and attempted to wiggle out of his hold once more to no avail.

“Please, what, pretty girl? Tell me what you want.” Dean breathed against her ear, just above a whisper. He sucked and nibbled in the hollow behind it.

A shudder wracked Jay, but this time, she didn’t mind the tell. She had him. He was hers. But right then, she needed more and she knew he was holding back. “Unnghh, please… need you, now,” she managed.

“Okay, Baby,” Dean crashed his lips to hers and shifted until Jay was suspended in the air and straddling him as he walked them towards the bed. He dropped her playfully and they scrambled to see who could lose their remaining clothes the fastest.

In a fray of scattered clothing, Dean climbed on top of her, comfortably crushing Jay into the lumpy mattress. He let his full weight rest upon her.

“Stop it,” she giggled as his scruff tickled her cheek.

“Why don’t you make me?” Dean grinned between planting kisses everywhere he could reach.

Before he could react, Jay had him rolled onto the floor. She straddled him and tried to concentrate despite his hard cock resting perfectly between her hot, dripping folds. Her hair created a curtain around their faces, blocking out everything but that moment and the sensations it was riddled with. Dean’s eyes closed and mouth opened like a fish out of water. His breaths were shallow and shaky. Jay fought the urge to lift her hips just so, knowing that if she did, and she came back down upon him, his throbbing dick would line up just perfectly… and they’d end up on the floor for the remainder of their romp.

She rose to her feet, grasping his hand and pulling him up with her. Dean’s eyes were full of question, longing. His cheeks were flushed and hot to the touch. He was melting at every touch and could do nothing about it but wait for her.

Jay led him over to the chair and pushed him into it. He nearly tripped on his way down. That stupid smile she loved so much spread across his face again as he dug his fingers into her hips and pulled her onto him. She let out a yelp as the broad head of his large cock spread her entrance, dripping with precum, and buried itself deep inside until her walls stretched almost uncomfortably. The shock of his size was something she’d never get used to. Each time was like the first, the same butterflies swarming in her stomach, the same jolts of pure lust burning through her veins.

Dean gasped and held her close to him, trembling hands roaming her back and squeezing her ass. Jay carded her hands through his hair and pulled just slightly at the nape of his neck as he whined in approval. Those laments made her head swim and her limbs weak. Drunk on Dean, she adjusted her position until he was sunk deep into the spot that was just right, then began to move back and forth, slow and steady. Dean’s breaths stuttered and his head fell back, leaving his neck open for Jay to take into her mouth.

“Fuck--Baby you feel s-so good,” he stammered between increasing moans and grunts. She could see in his eyes that he was losing control.

Jay cried out as he began to fight her movements with his own, pounding up in all the right spots. She arched her back as the coil wound tighter… higher… tighter… higher... until she shattered in his arms, his name and curses spilling from her gaping mouth.

He held her through it and chased his own orgasm, sucking a mark onto her chest before he spilled into her. Everyone would know she was his, and only his. Her walls clenched in waves and he pulsed within them, his delicious sounds filling her ears as she came down.

Jay crashed her lips into his, and he returned with fervor until they were both completely breathless. Wrapped there in Dean’s arms, Jay was home.

No, nothing was ever the same after that first kiss. And that was okay. It was amazing.

WAYWARD PEEPS:

@carryonmywaywardcaptain @manawhaat @supernatural-jackles @jensen-jarpad @wheresthekillswitch @bummblebeeblue @nothin-after-79-blog @docharleythegeekqueen @fangirl-writing-fiction @taste-of-dean @impala-dreamer @arryn-nyxx @idk-life01 @attorneyl @deathtonormalcy56 @xwing-baby @wonder-cole @itsangelpie @thinkinghardhardlythinking

ANGST BABES:

@trexrambling @abbessolute @emptywithout

ALL ABOUT THAT DEAN:

@akshi8278 @will-winchester

@waywardbaby* the smut was heavily inspired by The Scene. Tagged as promised lol

Tag List now open!

#spnsecretsantaficexchange #hands that heal #dean winchester #dean x reader #dean x ofc #dean x jay #fluff #smut #supernatural

100 notes · View notes

katsidhe · 4 years

Text

15.20 Final Thoughts

Supernatural is over, and somehow, despite itself, it did the very best it could to please me. That was always going to be an impossible task. But truly, sincerely, that finale was as close to my desires as the show could ever bring itself to come, and so, so much closer than I ever dreamed it would dare.

I am so, so glad that no other regular characters were involved (Bobby aside, but he was brief). How better to encapsulate their own emptiness? How fundamentally fitting, than in the epilogue to their final battle, wherein the entire world beyond them was erased, the wider universe is merely set dressing for them to move through. And it was so quiet this way. This finale wasn’t overcrowded or rushed. It kept its own peace. And it preserved the tangible claustrophobia that 15.19 invoked: that tangled, lovely, solipsistic, toxic conviction that these are the only two people on earth that matter.

It’s unclear exactly how much time passed between 15.19 and 15.20. I like to think it’s been at least a year, given that they’ve settled into routine and that their grief seems less fresh. (Although yes, the concept of Dean dying on his very first hunt without a resurrection available is hilarious, I must confess.) Their calm domesticity, their peace, was lovely to watch (Sam kicking the laundry machine! Sam with wet hair! Sam running! Sam cooking, Sam looking a little less bulky than usual, and happy!) But man, it really is Dean’s world, isn’t it? Even the DOG, which really, really, really could reasonably have been primarily Sam’s, was Dean’s dog first and foremost. Then on Dean’s say-so, they get in Dean’s car to drive to a pie festival for Dean. Sam is perfectly content to go along with all of it.

As if we hadn’t gotten enough delightful fanservice, we also got one last scene of Sam threatening to torture someone to death. :) what a king.

I love that Dean died to an OSHA violation while fighting a random loose end from season 1 (which, by the way, I CALLED IT, I am so proud of myself). It’s perfectly mundane. I truly and deeply do not understand anyone complaining that Dean should have gone out in a way that’s more epic. He’s been there, done that, guys, and remember how miserable it was? Now there’s no cosmic safety net. Dean died in a broken down old barn, saving some kids. Moments like these are when Dean is at his best, at his most fundamentally sympathetic: when he’s not trying to control the shape of the universe or dictate righteousness or let his anger drive himself down into a destructive spiral. He’s just putting his money where his mouth is. He’s not making a broad moral statement. He’s simply putting his life on the line to defend someone who needs defending. It is not an unworthy end. It’s so much better than going out to, god forbid, God.

Did Dean earn a lifetime of peace? The concept of just desserts is fraught. But I also don’t think it’s something Dean wanted. He wanted to keep killing things in tetanus-infested barns until he died. He got what he wanted. And while the arc of his wants has adapted over the years, MOTW hunting is fulfilling for him.

Dean’s deathbed speech was, oh man. It got me good. Like many of the things I loved in this episode, it was quiet. No desperation, no revising history (or not too much, anyway). Just, “stay with me, please. I love you. Tell me it’s okay.”

The quiet of Sam’s grief, alone in the bunker. How still his face is, until for a little bit it crumples again, and then it comes back and goes still. He’s not trying to control his reactions or press back against his sorrow. There is no work to do, nothing to avenge, no one to find, nothing to defeat. He is alone, and the washes of visible grief simply come and go in waves that he doesn’t try to fight or force.

I need the gif of him flinching at the toaster. His startle reactions are my favorite thing. He’s alone underground, there is not a living soul for miles and miles, he’s just buried his brother, not for the first time, but this time, he knows, for the last. And the goddamn toaster goes off and he cannot control the way his heart leaps up into his throat and the way every one of his muscles tightens.

Sam grows old. Sam. Grows old. Sam grows old! SAM GROWS OLD.

Ohhh my God, Sam grows old. Without Dean! Without hunting! Without Cas! With people outside that claustrophobic world, beyond the four tight walls of SPN, beyond the people approved by Dean and by Fandom, who give him peace and love and fulfillment! SAM GOT OUT. Even with the truly terrible wig the image brings me to actual tears. I cannot believe SPN would allow him to have this. I cannot believe that the show let him be happy without Dean. I want to read the set of novelizations about Sam’s recovery.

Of course this was the only way for Sam to get unwound, and of course it had to happen offscreen in flashes. Thank god for the ambiguity. There’s so much potential there, years and years, we were simply told: and at some point Sam’s life gets better, at some point his mental health improves and he feels safe enough to start a family, with someone, and at some point he has a child, and he dies peacefully, he dies loved and with people who love him, and dammit I’m getting weepy again.

Sam quit hunting. Not in a sudden jolt. We see him leaving the bunker on another job. But when he leaves the bunker, he leaves for good. He has so much knowledge, but he does not preserve the Men of Letters. He does not honor their legacy of extermination and experimentation. Maybe he gives someone else the keys, for the books. Or maybe he’s digitized it all, and maybe it’s done.

Maybe his wife is Eileen, or maybe it’s Amelia, or maybe it’s Piper or Cara or maybe it’s someone new. Maybe it’s not even a woman. And maybe she’s a hunter, but I hope she isn’t, and when Sam tells her, haltingly, in fits and starts, the bare outline of the truth, she looks at him and she believes him. And she understands the shape of the trauma he carries, even if Sam can’t quite speak the details, and maybe Sam goes to therapy. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he wakes in pain and fear for many years, but over time, it dulls.

Sam’s son is still a young man when Sam is on his deathbed, probably in at least his eighties. Think about the mountain Sam had to climb to reach that point. How many years and years of work did it take before Sam felt safe enough to want a child? How long for him to gently conquer his terror at the legacy his blood might carry: Lucifer and Azazel are dead, he knows this, but how long before he lets himself believe it enough to permit the risk? And then he raises his child, not in fear and loneliness, but with love and support and care. And he makes sure his son is protected, that he knows to salt his thresholds and ward against demons, but his son will not suffer the way he suffered.

Maybe he untangles his thoughts about Dean, maybe he learns that to feel angry with his brother is not to betray him or to dishonor his memory, maybe he comes to a more complex understanding of their relationship. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he simply enshrines Dean, and Dean’s memory becomes ever more golden and untarnished, and the Impala becomes truly an altar. The details of how Sam carries Dean with him—the watch, the car, the absurdly large photos, his son’s name—perhaps these are played straight, and perhaps Sam never finds a more nuanced love. In the meta sense I think we are certainly meant to think this. We are meant to see Dean deified here, canonized into a saint. We are meant to view Sam’s fifty more years of life as worship, as a dedication and an offering.

This is the long shadow of the finale. These are the things untouched by necessity and by design: this is Dean’s apology in 15.18, this is Sam not wanting an apology, and not wanting to hear Dean offer one. This difficult work was always and inevitably going to be elided. But there is so much time, decades and decades, offscreen, for Sam to come to a quieter peace.

I think he can do it.

I think Sam can do anything.

I’m crying again.

I really didn’t think I would cry much about the finale. I thought I would cry at the concept of the show ending, but not at what the ending was. I didn’t think any details would actually affect me. But then Sam got old. I am truly and genuinely hung up on the canonical image of Sam finding peace. Good god. He had GLASSES. Help.

My chief complaint (aside from that absolutely awful Carry On cover, why oh why, they should have just played the original again), if I felt at all like complaining at the moment, would be how happy this ending is. But I can’t begrudge Sam that. I can’t even get too mad at the scene that I was SO SURE I would despise: that of Sam and Dean content in a Heaven that is now apparently Great, Actually (even though a prison dimension with an open floor plan is still a prison dimension, but hey, I guess we humans can’t leave earth either). Supernatural clearly wanted Sam and Dean to not be facing down an abyssally bleak afterlife, and I think I’d be complaining about the lack of bleakness a whole lot more if it didn’t have the (perhaps unintended??) side effect of giving Sam even more freedom from Dean than SPN already deigned to give him. Sam isn’t in a shared cell with Dean. He can be with his friends and his wife and his son.

One of the fundamental questions of SPN is, would Dean ever let Sam go? And it’s a question that the bulk of s13-15 has rendered moot with Sam’s growing passivity, and one that 15.20 neatly dodged. And I’m glad it did, because I wouldn’t have liked whatever 15.20 had to say on the matter. This deflection feels true to the spirit of what the show has become.

It was impossible for Sam to find peace while Dean was still alive. And on its own that kind of says everything, doesn’t it? And Sam is still forever denied the peace he truly longed for. Sam didn’t want death to force Dean’s hand. Sam wanted Dean to want to let him go. But the only way Sam and Dean could heal is apart. The potential of their relationship on earth becoming untangled is forever precluded, explictly. And yet Sam’s freedom is validated, Sam is allowed what he sought in season 1 and season 8, Sam is something beyond a hunter and Dean’s brother, and the show let him be, the show let him grow.

Supernatural said Sam Rights, and the world shook.

#spn spoilers #sam and dean #15.20 #final thoughts #sam and romance #sam and peace #just leave me here to die #I did not realize how relieved I'd be #I do not believe how much tension has left me #at the realization that I liked this ending #and of COURSE there are so many people complaining about sam's peace #but guess what!!!#this isn't season 8!#this time the show agrees with ME!#SAM HAS riGHTs!

114 notes · View notes

mishavacado · 4 years

Text

SPN has so much spinoff potential and so much canon to work with, it's such a waste that none of it's getting used. This post is just all of my spinoff ideas, I'll apologize in advance because it is VERY long.

Wayward Sisters, obviously. There are so many possible storylines to work with, so many stories to tell. I'd really love to see some Charlie, Eileen, or Krissy Chambers cameos. I think that Charlie and Claire would get along really well (just read this post). Rowena is another character that I think could easily be worked into the canon. She could teach the girls all kinds of magic and be the fun wine aunt that spoils the girls on their birthdays. I don't think that Claire would like her very much, but, Rowena and Alex would probably get along just fine. How much I need this in my life: 1000000000000000000000000/10 when I heard that this idea had been tossed out I was so angry. Why doesn't this exist?

Men of Letters prequel that's mostly set in the bunker. This show could really expand on the canon lore and give us some more background on the Men of Letters, as well as any other similar/rival organizations that were around before the main show's time. The Men of Letters have so much story potential for a spin-off; corrupt leadership, new monsters, other organizations, expanding the MoL to outside the U.S. Episodes could be in a monster-of-the-week (MOTW) format, starting and ending with the Man of Letters the case is assigned to making notes in his journal or case file or talking about the case, as well as the overall season arcs. Episodes would be titled by their case number, i.e S1 E1 Case No. 1925-4, etc How much I need this in my life: 1000000/10, the supernatural/historical drama combo would be absolutely stunning.

A series focusing on all of the alternate timelines and universes, both the ones mentioned in the main show and ones just randomly created for an episode. There are infinite possibilities. Each episode would be in a MOTW format, but with different versions of Sam and Dean. The HunterCorp universe, Jared and Jensen from the French Mistake, a universe where their names are switched, a universe where Dean went to college and was the one with the demon blood powers, a universe where they drive a Mustang instead of the Impala, a universe where Sam isn't scared of clowns. I could go on, but I'm going to stop myself here. How much I need this in my life: 9/10 I think it would be pretty funny, but it's not my best idea.

A Bobby and Rufus spin-off where they talk about cases they worked on together or with other hunters, but the stories are told similarly to Tall Tales. It's the same story but told from different points of view depending on who's talking. I wish we'd gotten to see more of Bobby and Rufus because I think those two are hilarious and really think that this could be funny, even if it was just a web series with twenty-minute episodes. How much I need this in my life: 10/10, I love Bobby and Rufus and I think that they have a lot of interesting hunting stories to tell.

GHOSTFACERS GHOSTFACERS GHOSTFACERS. How much I need this in my life: 100000000000000000000000/10, I love the Ghostfacers. That's my whole idea.

A Jack-centric show that's almost a political drama. Jack is the ruler of heaven and is constantly being manipulated by angels, demons, and Death herself. He just wants to make an afterlife paradise, but power-hungry angels won't leave him alone. Remember that Jack is very young and trusting by nature, so there is a lot of potential for disaster if he gets goaded into doing something, like making new universes or ending existing ones. Cas is a main character and he does his best to protect Jack, but he has to be careful to not seem overprotective/like another manipulator or Jack won't trust him either. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, but shoutout to me if I am. For some reason, I've always thought that heaven would be an interesting setting for a spin-off, and those angels are pretty similar to power-hungry politicians. How much I need this in my life: 800/10, I would totally watch this.

A very short series that just destroys the canon finale. Twelve episodes, detailing the storylines that were ignored or destroyed by Carry On. E1: Rescuing Cas from the Empty and he and Dean have a long talk about their ~feelings~. They kiss, and for the first time, Dean’s mind is free of doubt about whether or not anyone could ever love all of him. E2: Eileen returns. She says nothing when she sees Dean and Cas holding hands, just raises her eyebrow and smiles knowingly. Some excellent movie night content. E3: 1 year later. Sam and Eileen’s wedding. Dean and Cas aren’t legally married, but their matching gold rings are very prominently shown. It isn’t mentioned. The wedding is almost canceled because of the rain, but with a wave of Jack’s hand the clouds disappear and the birds start to sing. E4: Sam and Eileen have moved out of the Bunker. Cas finally convinces Dean to downsize, so they find a little house in Lawrence and settle down. Cas works as a special ed teacher. Dean works as a mechanic. Miracle loves the backyard but makes sure to stay away from the beehives in the back corner. E5: Sam and Eileen’s twins, Mary and Maura, are born. Dean and Cas love their nieces, and Jack loves them too. He doesn’t know what to call himself, so they settle on Uncle and call it good. E6: Deaths. They all die old. Cas’s vessel has aged, but he can’t die, so when Dean finally passes away in his sleep, Cas scatters his ashes in the woods and disappears, ascending to heaven, to spend eternity with Dean. The closing scene is a dark screen, with the whoosh of wings and a soft “Hello, Dean.” OK. That was a long one. My apologies. How much I need this in my life: 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/10. I would reach nerdvana thirty seconds into episode one.

Another spinoff of that idea is just...Dean and Cas living a normal life. Short episodes. Cas goes to the grocery store. Dean drags Cas to a horror movie fan convention. Cas meets a roomba. How much I need this in my life: I can’t type enough zeroes to express it.

Campbell prequel that focuses on Mary and her childhood. Mary being raised as a hunter but not being allowed on hunts. Mary rushing home to finish her chemistry homework so she can help her dad track a nest of vampires moving east. Mary missing her prom to help Samuel on a hunt. Mary trying to keep her real life secret from John, a man she knows loves the parts of her he knows about. Mary always being an outsider, the kindest and most beautiful girl in her class, but so slow to trust and quick to speak that everyone is afraid to be her friend. Mary is a character that has the potential a lot more development, for twelve seasons she’s the burning martyr in every Winchester’s imagined paradise. She deserves more. How much I need this in my life: 11/10, Mary isn’t my favorite character but I would die for her.

Gabriel spin-off. That’s it, that’s the idea. How much I need this in my life: 10000000/10, Gabriel is a character that we don’t know a lot about so there are so many possible directions for a story about him to go.

Show set in the SPN universe that doesn’t really interact with the main show’s canon. It’s about two cops in the 30s that become hunters by accident. After investigating the apparent suicide of a hunter in their small town, they become enthralled by her library, filled with books about ghosts and vampires. They pour over her journals on their own time, fascinated by what they’re reading. They get to know the hunter through her writings, her accounts of her hunts and travels. Eventually, a nest of vampires settles in the town and the two put their newfound knowledge to the test. This show would just be based on canon lore, there wouldn’t be any mention of the Winchesters or other main characters, although a few MoL team-ups is definitely a possibility. The two become quite a team, tracking werewolf backs on bulletin boards in their basements and hoarding rock salt. How much I need this in my life: 89/10, I think this could be really interesting and I am a sucker for historical hunters.

Speaking of historical hunters-Samuel Colt prequel. Cowboys, vampires, cowpires. Hunting in the wild west, galloping across the prairie chasing a pack of werewolves. This show could also tell us a lot about how different types of monsters spread across the U.S. Ghosts will go anywhere people go, but what about vampires? Shapeshifters? Ghouls? What was it like to hunt without technology to help with research? The hunters in this series would be the authors of the journals that modern hunters use every day. They’re the ones that tested tracking and trapping methods. Again, no idea if this is making sense, but I think that a supernatural western would be really awesome and would expand/substantiate the canon lore. How much I need this in my life: 1000000000000000000000000000000/10, I love cowboys and I love Supernatural. This is literally the best thing that could ever happen to me.

Crowley. I want to know more about him. A series that tells us all about Fergus Roderick MacLeod, starting with when he was born in Scotland and ending with his death in All Along the Watchtower. We know that Rowena was his mother, that he was a tailor, that he sold his soul for an extra three inches ~down there~, and that he was a terrible dad. I want to know more about his childhood, about the people he made deals with, about how he became king of the crossroads and of Hell. Crowley was a very interesting character that was abused by the story. I want to know more about him. How much I need this in my life: 10000000000000000000000000000000000000/10, I really do love Crowley and I would watch this a thousand times over.

Final idea: MOTW only. No season arc, no overall storyline. New hunters every episode, from all different times, from over the world. All kinds of monsters. One episode in Victorian England, the next in 1990s Los Angeles. Very few recurring characters, if any. The recurring characters would be the Bobby Singers of the world; the lore guys that you call when you need help. Each new character has their own style, own car, own music, own personality. The show could have some a m a z i n g guest stars because they’d only appear in a few episodes. There are so many possibilities for episodes, even if they weren’t full length. How much I need this in my life: 100000/10, I love MOTW episodes and would really like to get to know the characters. It would be very easy to write one-off fanfics for this show, and also very easy to introduce this show’s characters into Supernatural’s canon.

You made it to the end!!!!!!!! That’s all I have for now. Sorry for writing so much, I just can’t stop thinking about SPN and all of the wasted stories.

#al speaks #spn #spn spin-offs #my ideas #i worked hard on this #big brain time #do you like it?

47 notes · View notes

missjackil · 4 years

Text

My 15x20 Opinion (The SPN Finale)

Carry On

It’s taken me a few days to write this, because I’m an emotional wreck. I still cant wrap my head around the fact that the show is over, and in such a permentant way. I’m not exagerating when I say, it feels like someone I love in real life died. In 2001 I lost my best friend since I was 7 (I was 34 at the time) and in 2011 I lost the love of my life, in 2018 I lost my Dad. This feels the same, and as with the others, it has its own unique pain. Personal just to me and how does my ife change because of it. So please forgive me in advance for periods of silence I may have, as well as days where I don’t shut up. This grief is real.

Anyway, about the episode, the first half was wonerful! Domestic Winchesters is one of my favorite things! Dean snuggling Miracle could not get any cuter, and half naked, fresh from the shower Sam couldnt get any hotter! Teeth brushing, bed making, laundry doing *sigh* what more can a fan girl ask for? Oh yeah!! Sam smushing pie in Dean’s face!! God I love these two!

My anxiety built as the boys went on their hunt. I new this would be where shit hit the fan, but I wasn’t prepared for the level of shock I experienced. When the Vamp got Sam down and Dean wasn’t watching, I was sure this would be where Sam gets mortally wounded and we get the epic, emotional death scene, which would surely be followed by Dean going into a rage, losing his shit on the rest of the vamps and getting himself killed in the process, but that’s not how it went. When Dean backed into the rebar I just screamed “NOOOOOOO!! NO NO NO NO!!!” I wasn’t ready for Sam to be the survivor and I was NOT ready for how deeply painful Dean’s death scene would be. Im nowhere near over it yet. I started sobbing, and didn’t stop for the next 2 hours.

Sam’s grief was devistating, I felt all of it. J2 acted their asses off and from what they’d said, they had broken character at times and what we got was real. When Sam got a phone call for a case and he took the dog with him, looked around the bunker and shut all the lights off, I knew he wasnt coming back.

Switch over to Dean in Heaven with Bobby, explaining that Jack fixed it so Heaven is open now, no private worlds, everyone could move around freely. This stung a little bit, thinking it kind of negated Sam and Dean’s Heaven, but it does’t really. The fact that it had been acknowledged that Heaven had been separate worlds, shows me they didn’t forget, and this is why now everyone can be together.

Dean said it was :”almost perfect” and Bobby knew why and said “He’ll be along” knowing Dean wont truly be happy without Sam. Then Dean took a drive in Baby, he didn’t go see mom and dad, he didnt go find Cas, he went to a bridge to wait patiently for Sam.

Now we flash back over to Sam. When I saw him with a kid, my heart sunk. They’re gonna ruin what was absolutey beautiful so far by Sam living a happy life with Eileen and their kid!! But, that’s not really how it was, was it? There was no emphisis at all on Eileen or even if it was her he ended up with, or even how much a part of Sam and Dean Jr’s life she was. It was always just Sam and Dean Jr. When elder Sam went in the garage and uncovered Baby and just sat in her and cried, I knew he may be happy with his boy but his life is empty without his brother. 15, 20 years later, Sam still grieves. Finally, Sam is an old man, bed ridden and on machines, still wearing Dean’s watch, and he sheds one last tear as Dean Jr lets him go.

Ok to me, Sam didn’t get “A long happy normal life” after Dean died. Sam existed because he promised Dean he would, but he was miserable without him. What’s that line from Red Meat we all love? “After everything we survived together, I watched the man I love die. There’s no normal after that” So, this to me was no slap in the Winchester face, this is poor Sam suffering from 6 mos old till the moment he died as a sick old man.

Flash back over to Dean. still waiting on that bridge and without even turning around, a smile spreads accross his face ... he’s finally here! “Hiya Sam” and there he is, just the way Dean remembered him, not a sick old man. Sam smiles and just says “Dean” and we have the best and happiest brohug ever!! The break and walk to the rail to look out over Heaven. Dean’s arm atill around Sam, he looks at him with such adoration. and his expression couldn’t be mistaken for anything else besides “Now, it’s perfect” and my boys are together safe and at peace for eternity.....The End.

This finale wasn;t what I wanted per se, though I ultimately wanted the boys together in the end and I got that, so I am abundantly grateful, knowing how many BAD ways this could have gone. Ultimately I would have liked an end like the end of 15x19, where theyre alive to fight another day and drive into the sunset, or to retire and have their toes in the sand somewhere. Or even drive off a cliff together, hand in hand, but I wouldnt have gotten than raw excruciating display of pure unbreakable love. “I love you so much... my little brother” is the best thing Ive ever heard. Their heads pressed together was the most touching thing Ive ever seen. So Im grateful.

After gnawing on it, thinking, and allowing some time to pass, Im gonna say I loved the ending. It wasn’t perfect but Im satisfied. It took a long time to get to “Now it’s perfect” which I will take with me as the last words of the show (even though they technically were never spoken) but it was worth the journey.

So on a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon, Ill give Carry on a 10. Thank you Dabb for drowning me in bro love, and thank you J2 for kicking it in the ass and pouring your heart and souls into it.

Rest in Peace boys. I love you both so very much.💔😭💕

#SPN Finale spoilers #15x20 #my opinion #i miss you so much #come back soon please #im not okay

26 notes · View notes

mila-dans · 4 years

Text

Symphony of Sadness & Chorus of Pain

Hi, everyone! This is most definitely a different change of pace and tone when compared to my normal writing. I wrote this one for me and whoever else needs it. This 7000 word piece of work deals with some very real and dark issues in a very supernatural way. Its got depression, attempted suicide, and a whole lot of self deprecation. This is a reader insert so if you dare read this, be warned that it is very dark. It does have what I would call a happy ending though.

Please realize that if you ever find yourself suffering from types of issues like this, know that you are not alone. Seek help. You have friends around you. I am here for you if you need it. I’m not the strongest but I will share my strength with you.

This was written for me to read when I am feeling down and I hope the same can go for you. :)

It wasn’t okay. You were not okay. This was it. This was the end. Your end. The grand finale of your life. You were going to die all alone. Suffer alone. The most ironic thing is the fact that no one knows. No one knows how you feel. You can’t even describe the feeling if you could. The feeling of destruction. The last straw falling. The final structure crumpling right before you. This was the end of your life. Now, it is time for you to die.

_____________________

Before the end…

You and the Winchester brothers had just taken down a couple of witches who were wreaking havoc on any man who caused them any sort of suffering. And apparently, a lot of men caused them pain. As opposed to most regular hunts, you were the lead on this one. Couldn’t have the boys ending up hexed like the other men who you all found dead in the basement.

“Gruesome,” Dean described it as the three of you got back into the Impala. “Burn witch, burn.” Dean started the ignition as you all watched in awe as the house went up in flames. It was the best way to put an end to, well, all of it.

“You alright, Y/n?” Sam asked, turning around in the seat to face you. He was referring to when you got knocked out by the witch. You hadn’t thought anything about it. It wasn’t a fatal blow. All that happened is that when you confronted the witches while the boys were investigating other parts of the house, they simply blasted you and caused you to become unconscious. Lucky you, you happened to awake right as the fighting started.

“I’m fine,” you said with a smile.

“You sure?” Dean furthered. “Like no love spell or webbed feet or anything like that?” You chuckled a bit.

“No.” You smiled. “No love spell, no webbed feet, no to anything other than a headache.” Sam smirked at you as he turned back around, grabbing a bottle of aspirin from the glovebox and throwing it in your hands. “Thank you,” you said as you shook the bottle and popped a tablet in your mouth.

They were most definitely not fast acting. Your head felt as if a bulldozer, you know, dozed it. Funny. It didn’t hurt in any one place specifically. It just hurt all over. Your mind felt fried too. You weren’t going to worry the boys or anything though by telling them how you really felt.

They had enough going on. It always seemed to be some boss battle that was bigger and more bad than the last. The pressure of saving the world was always on them. When was it going to end? When were you all going to die by some vamp or ghoul or in Dean’s case, bacon? The work never stopped. It never ceased. It always seemed to be a never ending cycle of pain, torture, death, repeat.

You were set aback by your more angsty and depressing thoughts. You usually pushed those away when you were with the boys. It had been a while since you let anything slip out of your mind vault like that. Truth is, you all had your demons. Sam and Dean really had theirs though. Even Cas. To think that yours were even as close to being as bad as theirs was just one big laughing matter. You had never talked about your small and miniscule problems with them.

What was the point? Sure you suffered from bad things but it couldn’t even pale in comparison when it came to your family’s. They had it so much worse than you. Dean was in hell. Literal hell. He suffered for thirty years and then tortured people for ten. That was horrible. The weight of the burdens that he carried was unbearable. Trying to wake up in the morning was a struggle every day for him. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

You shut your eyes for a moment trying to prevent any more dark thoughts to enter your mind. You tried to focus on the rock music that was playing on the radio. It was Bob Seger, your favorite. As a way to get further from the unusual thoughts, you decided to sing along with the lyrics of “Old Time Rock and Roll.”

“Just take those old records off the shelf!” You belted out from the backseat as you reached over to turn up the volume.

“I’ll sit and listen to ‘em by myself!” Dean sang. The two of you smiled as you turned to the disappointed Sammy who was clearly not getting into the song.

“Today's music ain't got the same soul!” You continued to sing as you hit Sam on the shoulder making him smile just a little.

“I like that old time rock ‘n’ roll!” Dean followed. “Come on, Sammy!” Dean shouted as the two of you faced the reluctant Grinch. Sam rolled his eyes at the both of you.

“Don’t try to take me to the disco!” Sam sang.

“Yeah, Sammy!” Dean smiled.

“You’ll never even get me out on the floor!” Sam sang again.

“In ten minutes I’ll be late for the door!” You added. “I like that old time rock ‘n’ roll!”

“Still like that old time rock ‘n’ roll!” The three of you sang all together. “That kind of music just soothes the soul! I reminisce about the days of old. With that old time rock ‘n’ roll!”

The trio of you and the brothers continued to sing all the way back to the bunker. It was amazing. It was really great to feel happy again. You hadn't in so long. You would’ve labeled it as depression but you knew that it wasn’t even worth some actual medical exam to say what’s wrong with you. It was nothing. Even if it was depression, you had no right to complain about it. You had no right to say that you needed help when countless other people needed help too. It didn’t matter. You didn’t matter.

You tried to focus on singing with Sam and Dean but the bad thoughts you had couldn’t help but linger in the back of your mind.

This is stupid. I am stupid. I just need to go back to singing. I am with the people that I love most and I should be happy. I’m so happy. I am unbelievably happy.

You were upset that you couldn’t convince yourself with the reassurance of lies. Instead, you pushed the thoughts down. Deep, deep down. You just continued to sing with a false smile laced on your face, hoping to feel something. Hoping to feel happy. Hoping to feel anything.

________________

Do I matter? Am I worth the trouble of being here? Sam, Dean, and Castiel say that they love me but, do they really? Do they care or am I just a burden to them? Cas has had to take on so much in his life. You were for sure just some other person that he thought he’d have to protect. Have to save. He cared for the boys. He always has. He cared for humanity. Could they even classify you as human? You’ve done countless bad things. You’ve hurt your loved ones. Sure the boys were the best examples of people who make mistakes but they are heroes. They didn’t need to apologize. They saved the world. You might’ve helped but it didn’t matter. They were the faces, the faces wearing the capes with a symbol of hope plastered across their chest. You weren’t a sidekick. You weren’t even a part of the team.

“Hey! Y/n?” Sam called. “Are you alright?” You looked up to Sam as you got snapped out of your daze. You didn’t know how long you had been standing up in the kitchen with the pot of coffee in your hand. Weird.

“Yeah, sorry,” you replied as you set down the pot and regained your composure. You gave Sam a reassuring smile.

“You sure you’re alright, Y/n?” You nodded at the concerned Sam. “I mean, I don’t mean to press but you’ve been seeming like something’s been bothering you the past couple months.” You turn your head and give Sam an oblivious look.

“Have I?” You question as you start to fiddle with the coffee again.

“Yeah, you have,” Sam says slowly. You feel his worried gaze on you but you try to quickly change the subject.

“What did you need me for?” You take a deep breath before you turn back around to face the young Winchester to give a half hearted smile. Sam looks at you with the obvious worry on his face but shakes it off.

“I um, I was going to go on a supply run. Do you want to come?” he looks at you, suspicious of how you might respond. You give him a big smile as an attempt to throw him off.

“Yeah! Of course! Just let me get my jacket,” you say as you walk past him giving a reassuring pat on the back.

___________________

“Cas!” You called as you walked past him in his room. “You need anything from the store? Me and Sam are about to head out.”

“No, I’m fine,” he responds. “Are you okay, Y/n?”

“On food?” You question playing clueless.

“Not on food.” Cas walks up to you as you stand still in his doorway. “I mean, are you alright in the mental sense?”

“I’m great, Cas!” You lie with a smile. “I’m better than ever. My head hurts just a little from getting knocked out earlier though. But other than that, tip top shape.” You nod your head once more as Cas looks at you with yet another concerned face.

“I could try and see what’s the problem in your head if you’d like?” Cas asks as he starts to put his hand towards your head. You take a fast step away, clearly giving him more reason for worry.

“No, no. I’m fine. I mean, it’s fine,” you clarify. You try to ignore the worrisome look that covers his face. “I’m gonna go,” you say with a smile as you walk away. “Bye!”

Stupid. He could’ve helped you. He could’ve seen what was going on in your head and tried to help take the pain away.

You tried to push away the thoughts as you continued your walk down the hallway.

If he helped, he would’ve seen it all. He would've seen the fear, the worry, the anxiety. He would’ve seen every single one of your little, measly, insignificant problems. It would be a waste of his time to sort through all your overdramatic issues. How could you even know that he wouldn’t just judge you right there on the spot or end up leaving you like the rest of them? I mean, everyone that you have opened up to has left you or worse. All your old friends stopped talking to you cold turkey just when you thought you could trust them. That was your fault though. They trusted you and needed you and even though you helped them, you couldn’t be honest. Of course they left you. Everyone always leaves you and it’s all your fault.

___________________

You sat in the car with your head leaned against the window. The thoughts wouldn’t stop. They were getting worse. You kept trying to push them down like you always have but it didn’t work. Nothing worked.

“Y/n!” Sam called as he lightly hit your shoulder. You turned towards him confused. “I’ve been calling your name for a minute.”

“Oh,” you say as you sit up. This isn’t good.

“You can talk to me, Y/n,” Sam says. You just continue to stare down at the ground and start to feel one of your old battle wounds on your wrist.

“About what?” You ask trying to play it off, unsuccessfully.

“About whatever is bothering you!” Sam’s tone starts to rise as he gets frustrated with your playing dumb act. “We all know that something is going on with you. You don’t even have to hide it. Sometimes you don’t even try to anymore. We are worried about you, Y/n. All of us. We thought that maybe you were just down in the dumps and would ask for help if you needed it but you haven’t.

…

Y/n!” Sam shouts as you suddenly snap out of your daze. “Will you stop that?!” You face him with true confusion. He points at your wrist. “You’re making yourself bleed!” You look down at your wrist as you notice how you’ve completely reopened the wound causing blood to go all over your pants.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You weren’t even listening to Sam. Now look at what you’ve done!

“I’m sorry--I’m so sorry!” You mumble out as you quickly wipe the blood that has stained a spot on the seat.

“Y/n?” Sam questions with a softer tone as you look up at him with watery eyes. “Why are you sorry?”

“I--I--I just am,” you try to say. You quickly ball up all the tissues and put them in your pocket, trying to reassure yourself that it never happened. You look back up at Sam and see the concern on his face. You try to form words to change the topic at hand but fall short of excuses.

“Y/n, please,” Sam says sincerely, “Please just talk to me. Just let me in. Let Dean or--or even Cas in. Just talk to one of us. Please.” You look down at the ground again as you try to press your nails into the palm of your hands in order to distribute the pain somewhere else. “Y/n,” Sam says as he moves his hand onto yours, opening it up. “Stop it, please.”

“No!” You shout as you throw his hand to the side. “I’m fine! I’m perfectly fine! You and Dean and Castiel just need to mind your own damn business! Now quit asking if I’m okay, or if I'm alright, or what’s wrong with me! Nothing is wrong, got it?!” You take a deep breath and fall back into your seat as you wipe the tears that had escaped your eyes. You can feel the tension in the car in between you and Sam as you go back to staring out the window.

You stupid idiot! You completely ruined everything! This was your chance at asking for help and you blew it! Now you’re never gonna get that chance again. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Sam probably wouldn’t have even listened to you in the first place. He had been tortured by the devil. He had been to the worst part of hell. Do you think he had time to listen to you whine about your emotions? Do you think he actually even cared? He was your family. He had to ask about you. He was designated to do so. It is just him trying to be kind. As if he could ever care about you. As if anyone could ever care about you.

__________________

You slammed the door shut as you stepped out of the car. You raced inside the grocery store as Sam called out your name. You didn’t even bother to look back or respond. All you did was search for the bathroom as soon as you walked inside.

The further you made your way into the store, the worse your thoughts got. It was different though. It felt as if they weren’t just yours.

What is happening to me?! Why can’t these thoughts just go away?! Please, just go away!

You put the toilet seat lid down as you sat on it, placing your hands on your face as you started to sob. You felt so broken, so busted inside. You felt so much pain. So much emotion. You just wanted it to end. You just wanted it to stop.

“Honey?” A voice called from outside the shut stall door. “Are you alright?” You started to sniff as the thoughts died down just enough to understand the complete stranger who was worrying about you. You wiped the tears and opened the door.

“I’m fine, Mamn,” you said as you gave a smile to the elder lady. She smiled back at you. She seemed kind and nice. A complete stranger. You always thought that it was easier to tell a stranger secrets about yourself than someone who you knew and trusted. “Stranger’s security,” you called it.

“What’s the matter, Dear?” She asked again as her smile made you giggle a little.

“I’m just overwhelmed,” you admitted. You stood up and walked out of the stall to face her. “I just don’t know what to do.” She took your hand and immediately, you began to think the worst.

She doesn’t care about you! Don’t put your burdens on her! Don’t bother her! You are being selfish if you think for just one minute that it’s okay to open up. Think of how as soon as you admit how you feel to her, she’s just gonna make your heart break even more when you realize it’s just charity. It means nothing to her. You mean nothing to her!

“I’m sorry!” You say as you remove her hand from yours and start to head for the door. “I’m so sorry!” Once outside of the bathroom, you begin to feel completely out of sorts as you see the crowds of people staring at you as tears stream down your bright red face. “I--I…” You duck through the rows of people as you race back to the car. You open the door to the backseat and jump inside, locking yourself in as quickly as possible.

Your thoughts become so overwhelming that you are unable to follow any thread of ideas or worries. It’s all one big mess of problems and fear, as the walls in your head collapse in on itself. It was all you. It was all falling on you. You had no idea what was going on or why this was happening. You couldn't even think straight. You could only close your eyes and be engulfed into the sadness and pain.

____________________

You heard the car door open, drawing your attention away from your abundance of overwhelming thoughts. You look up to see Sam get into the car and turn to see you. You were clueless to see how much of a wreck you looked like but you didn’t have to know. The expression on his face said it all. He started to open his mouth to probably try to console or comfort you.

“No, Sam,” you said, stopping any words before they left his mouth. “Please just take me home,” you requested as you slowly turned back into facing the seat, feeling the darkness pull you closer to it.

You are worthless. You are nothing. Look at Sam. You think you have problems? Sam has spent his whole life living in fear. Living with truly overwhelming problems. He has to stay alive so that he can be there for Dean. Be there for Cas. He can’t choose to die, to give up. He doesn’t have the option. People need him. People rely on him. He has a brother and a best friend who loves him. He carries the world on his shoulders and never, ever gets a break.

You once again become caught up in your empathetic thoughts. Your mindset was in complete chaos. For some reason, you couldn’t just think about you, you thought about everyone else and all their problems. It’s as if you could feel whatever they were feeling and think whatever they had thoughts. Impossible.

____________________

You sat on your bed as you stared at the plate of food that was set before you. You couldn’t eat. You didn’t want to eat. It’s not like you wanted to starve, it’s just, you didn’t care. You didn’t care if you were hungry or if you had to eat. It didn’t matter. You didn’t matter.

“Y/n,” Dean calls out as he opens your door and walks inside. You were out of it, again, not even noticing his knock. He takes a seat on your bed as he puts the plate of food on your nightstand. “Not eating?” He asks.

“Not hungry,” you respond. You would try to give a false smile but you are unable to do even that. He looks at you, clearly trying to read your face. You just pulled up your knees close to your body, wrapping your arms around them

“Sam told me what happened, Y/n,” Dean says. “What’s going on?” You can hear the care and concern in your voice. If anyone knew about demons it would be Dean. He was one after all.

Sure, tell Dean what’s bothering you. Have him laugh in your face when you rant and bitch about all your little problems. It’s not like he’s ever able to. He has to hide all of his problems. He has to haul them all up and lock them down, never getting to deal. He can’t deal. There is never a single second in the day that he has to relax or has to calm down. Sam always says that he can talk to him but putting his burdens on Sammy wasn’t right. They were his burdens. All his. It was up to him to carry everyone else. It was all on him. He had the weight of the world in one hand and the weight of everyone else in his other. He didn’t have time to care or worry about himself. It would be pathetic to ask for help. Childish to need someone to lean on.

“Y/n!” Dean shouts. You open your eyes as you take notice of Dean’s hand on your shoulder. You swat it away and stand up from the bed.

“Get out of here, Dean! Leave me alone!” You shout. Dean gets up quickly as you push him out the door.

“Y/n! Whatever is goi--” You shut the door on Dean and lock it before he has a chance to finish his words.

You slump down with your back against the door, falling onto the ground. The floor was freezing against the back of your legs. You didn’t care. It didn’t matter. You didn’t matter. You were nothing. You are nothing.

_________________

These men save the world. You save nothing. You aren’t worth saving. Most of the people that they save aren’t worth it. But you? You are at the bottom of the barrel. How you have made it this far in life is perplexing. You should be dead.

You laid in bed as the thoughts and feelings kept you awake. You couldn’t move. You could barely breathe. These thoughts, they weren’t just yours. They were Sam’s thoughts. Dean’s thoughts. Cas’s thoughts. You were being clouded by their emotions. It was a mix of all of their pain and all of yours.

He rebelled against his family, against his home, and for what? So that he could watch everyone that he loved fail?

What did he do when he wasn’t in control? Who was having to clean up his trail of messes?

It was all on him. Everything was on him. It was his fault that they died. Hasn’t it always been?

Death. It was his fault. It was all their fault. It was all your fault. Worthless. Stupid. All on him. It was all caused by you. The world would be better off without you. He meant nothing. You were nothing. Die. Die! Die! Die! Die!

“No!” You screamed at the top of your lungs. “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” You screeched as you shattered the plate of glass on the floor, cutting your hand, causing so much more pain. You continued to yell for the thoughts to leave your head.

“Y/n! Stop it!” Sam yelled as he kicked in your door. You struggled to breath as the dark thoughts consumed you.

Worthless. Nothing. Piece of trash. Nothing. You should be dead.

“No!” You continued to scream. Dean tried to walk closer to you but you swatted him away. “Don’t touch me!” You screamed at the boys.

“Cas! Do something!” Dean demanded. The angel walked closer to you but you knew that if he touched you, if anyone touched you, if anyone tried to help, it was all over.

“Don’t!” You shouted as you reached for the angel blade and immediately all the hands went up in defense. Castiel backed away as you walked slowly towards the door.

“Y/n,” Sam tried to say, walking closer to you. “Please, put the weapon down.”

“You don't’ underst--shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” The thoughts continued to pound in on your head. You didn’t even notice the tears streaming down your face or the ones that the boys had. You just continued to try and stop the thoughts, the voices, the feelings and emotions. You raced down the halls and out the door as quick as possible.

“Stop it!” You mumbled as you found a clearing behind a tree in a small wooded area behind the bunker. The thoughts wouldn’t stop. But now, now they were all yours. Just yours.

You are nothing! You are less than nothing! You deserve to die! You deserve to go to hell! It’s where you belong! You’ve done wrong, you’ve done bad! There is no saving you! There is no point! You should just die! There is no point in a maggot like you taking up space in a world that is far too good for you! Just die! You already cause so much death around you, why don’t you just end it?! Just do it. Just die! You are nothing. You are useless. You are worthless! You are unimportant! You are hated! You are stupid! Self-centered! Idiotic! You are dead!

You feel the emotions clouding your judgement. You see the angel blade. There is no stopping it. This was the way. The way to stop the thoughts. This was it. Your hand trembles, tears fall.

NOTHING! WORTHLESS! MEANINGLESS! STUPID! YOU ARE--

You take a deep breath and open your eyes. The angel blade falls from your hand.

“They stopped,” you whisper. The voices have all stopped. You wipe your eyes and stand. Your headache leaves. It’s all gone. You weren’t dead. You didn’t know what you were or what happened. You still feel the pain but it was just yours. It was only the pain that you’ve carried for years. The pain that you can handle. You still have tears fall down your face but it’s not as bad as it was.

You walk back to the bunker and open the door. You slowly walk down the stairs as you see Sam, Dean, and Castiel run towards you. When you make it to the last step, you give a smile their way and then collapse to the floor.

“Y/n!” Dean shouts as he rushes to your side. You just continue to smile, unable to see them through your watery eyes. Sam puts his arms underneath you as he scoops you into his arms.

“It’s okay,” Sam says as he carries your body into the infirmary. “It’s okay.” He lays you down on the bed as you just shrivel up into a little ball. You hear them talk amongst themselves but unable to make out what is said. You see your trench coated companion walk close to you as he lays his hand on your head. Sam takes a seat in a chair facing you and Dean sits by your feet on the bed. Dean places his hand on your leg, trying to comfort you and Sam takes your hand, doing the same. Castiel removes his hand from your head as you begin to close your eyes.

“Y/n,” Castiel starts to say. You can hear the shock in his tone. Whatever it was, he was lost for words.

“What is it?” Dean asks. You shut your eyes tight as you hear the three of them walk out of the room.

You try to sit up in the bed and manage to wipe the tears from your eyes. Fully able to see, you watch the boys walk back into the room.

“What?” You ask quietly as you see the amazed expressions on their face. Dean rushes over to you and wraps his arms around you. The second he lets go, Sam comes to your side to do the same. You feel their arms around you and feel pure joy and love for just a moment. Once the two of them go back to their positions by your side, Castiel pulls up a chair next to Sam. Worrisome thoughts fill your head again. “What’s going on? What happened?” You ask as tears stream down their faces causing you to cry from just feeling the sadness radiating off of them. “Please tell me what I did. What?”

“You--uh,” Dean starts to say as he looks at you with tears continuously falling down from his eyes. “How did you do that?” He says with an exasperated breath.

“What? What did I do?!” You question, shifting in the bed as you can’t help but be filled with concern.

“The witch hexed you, Y/n,” Cas says. You notice the tears coming from him as well.

“Wh--what did she hex me with? Wh--what?” You look in all the boys’ eyes as you become overwhelmed with the sight before you.

“She cursed you,” Sam pauses as he takes a breath and clears his throat, “She cursed you to feel everyone’s pain.” All of the boys look at you as if you should be dead. You realize that that is exactly what they must be thinking.

“How did you do that?” Dean asks again.

“Do what?” You ask in return. You take a deep breath and look down at your wrist to the wound. “What do you mean she cursed me to feel everyone’s pain?” You look back up to Sam in search of an answer.

“It’s what killed all those men,” Sam states.

“What do you mean?” You again ask.

“The witches,” Cas starts to explain, “They killed all those men by hexing them to feel the pain of those around them. They all died because of suicide or because of a fatal panic attack. Y/n, you got put under the same spell.”

“If--if I did,” you start to say, “Then how am I alive?” You look at the boy’s lost expressions on their faces.

“The spell wore off after twenty-four hours but, Y/n,” Cas says, concerned, “You are the only person who has ever survived it. You are the only one who has ever lived through it and made it out alive.” You think for a moment about what he just said. It made sense. All the thoughts that you were feeling weren’t just your own.

“You felt all of our pain,” Sam says.

“How did you do that?” Dean asks. You look in their eyes, realizing that even they couldn’t take their own pain most of the time.

“You took all of our pain and felt it for yourself, Y/n,” Cas says.

“How did you do that?” Dean again asks. You laugh and smile a little.

“That’s the fourth time you’ve asked that Dean,” you say with a smile. He just looks at you in awe. “The truth is, today just felt like a really bad day. I have dealt with that pain, my pain, all my life.”

“But--but that was our pain too,” Sam says. “You felt all of our pain. You felt hell? Lucifer?” Sam asks and you nod. “And that isn’t bad to you?!”

“I always thought that my problems were nothing compared to yours, all of yours. You’ve all been through so much that I’ve always hid my problems. Today, it just felt as if those problems and feelings broke out.” You wipe the tears away from your face and muster up another smile.

“You deal with pain like that every day?” Dean asks.

“Basically.”

“Why haven’t you told us?” Castiel asks.

“Why didn’t you ask for help?” Sam questions.

“Because it’s my burdens, my pain, not yours. And I figured that I had already wasted my chances in asking for help,” you answer. “You all have done so much, been through so much, I have been through nothing. I am nothing. I am worthless even when being compared to your shadow.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Dean shouts. “Y/n, do you not realize that you have taken on all of our burdens, all of our fears, our pain, our emotions? You did all of that and are still here! You are the strongest person in the world! You are not worthless. You are amazing. You are beautiful and special and incredible!”

“You should never compare yourself to us,” Sam says.

“You can’t ever compare your problems to our pain,” Cas states. “There is no scale in the universe that can measure who has it worse or who has it better. Every single person has different pain tolerances, different perspectives. For you to be dealing with all of our collective pain and still think of it as a bad day, that is what I mean when I say pain is immeasurable.”

“Y/n, why on earth would you not tell us about what you’ve been dealing with?” Sam asks. You look at him and smile.

“I’ve wanted to,” you say. “I’ve wanted to for so long but I’m terrified.” You take a deep breath and wipe the tears from your face. Dean reaches up and takes your hand in his.

“Why?” Dean asks. “Why would you be afraid to tell us anything like that?”

“Because I can’t know if you’re real! I can’t know if you are just gonna be another person who says that they’re gonna be there for me then just disappear! I can’t go through that again. I’ve had my trust broken, shattered countless times that if I put myself through that again, I don’t know if I could take it.” Your voice starts to waiver as you begin to sob again. Sam scoots his chair closer to you as he wraps his arms around you. You lean your head on his shoulder as you feel Dean squeeze your hand tighter just as Sam hugs you tighter.

“It’s okay, Y/n,” Sam whispers in your ear. “It’s okay.”

“But I don't want to be a burden,” you state as you close your eyes as more tears fall onto Sam’s shoulder.

“You’re not a burden,” Castiel states. “I saw and felt your feelings, Y/n. You should never feel that way about yourself.” He reaches for your other hand and grabs it in his.

You remain in the clutches of all three of them. You are with your heroes. Dean has your hand, holding it in the both of his. Castiel holds your other hand, squeezing it in the most compassionate way possible. Sam keeps you in his arms as you place all of your weight onto him and continue to bury your head into his shoulder.

“You are not worthless,” Cas says. “You are not nothing. You are not stupid. You are not idiotic. You are not self-centered.”

“You are the furthest thing from it,” Dean adds. “You are amazing. You are incredible. You are worth so much. You are worth everything.”

“You are worth saving,” Sam says. “I don’t know what I would do if you died, Y/n. You are the person who makes me happy. You make all of us happy. You can always ask for help.” Sam releases you from his hug so he can look at you. You open your eyes and see the people who keep you going. The people who inspire you to be strong, stay strong. These people are your world. They are your everything and for them to say that you are theirs, that is the best compliment that you could ever get.

“Never, ever think anything but the truth about yourself,” Dean orders.

“But the truth is,” you say, “I don’t know if I can believe you all. I have been told by so many people who I love and look up to that I am stupid, manipulative, that I am nothing. Those thoughts and feelings of self depreciation are carved into my heart. Wired into my mainframe. Every time I try to be happy, every time I try to let go, I get a setback. I fall down.”

“Y/n, those people that you say thought bad of you,” Castiel starts to say, “They didn’t love you. They don’t deserve your love. They don’t deserve any part of you.”

“It doesn’t matter what they say or what you did or who you did it to,” Dean says, “Here, right now, it is us and it is you. And I promise that we love you. We love you so much, Y/n. We love you with your burdens and all.”

“And I promise,” Sam states, “That no matter how many setbacks you have, no matter how many times you feel depressed or down, I will always be there for you. We will all be there for you.”

“If you want a shoulder to cry on,” Dean says, “I’ve got two.”

“If you need someone to listen,” Castiel explains, “I have till the end of time to listen.” You start to sniffle and smile.

“That’s our girl,” Dean says as he brushes the hair away from your face.

“And if you ever need someone to talk to,” Sam smiles, “There is nothing that I would rather do than to be here for you.”

“Hey! That rhymed,” you state with a smile and a giggle.

“Yes, yes it did,” Sam says with a laugh.

You look at your heroes. You look at your friends. You look at your family. You have countless reasons to be sad. You have such a big vocabulary of harsh words that you have been called and could call yourself but the truth is, none of them are true. You can believe that you deserved it then but under no circumstances can you believe that you deserve anything less than the absolute best now.

“You are beautiful, Y/n.”

“You are magnificent.”

“You are giving and ask for nothing in return.”

“You are the one who saved me.”

“You are the one who shows me kindness when I need it most.”

“You are the one person who always makes me feel better.”

“You are selfless.”

“You make me laugh.”

“You are a hero.”

“You are extraordinary.”

“You are the best.”

“You always make me smile.”

“You make me feel good about myself.”

“You are the representation of good in the world.”

You are gorgeous. You are amazing. You are wonderful. You! All you! You are worth it! You are truly spectacular! You are incredible! You are perfect just as you are! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to be loved! You deserve to live the life you want! You deserve so much because you have been through so much! You deserve to get double the amount of love that you share! You deserve a crown! You deserve gold! You are too good for this world! You are a spectacle!

You are loved.

You feel overwhelmed with joy, real, true, joy as Sam leans forward to give you a hug. Dean leans to your side and wraps his arms around you. Castiel comes from behind you and squeezes you tightly in your clutches. You were the most loved and appreciated person with three amazing people all pouring their love into you. It is exactly what you deserved and so much more.

You were going to have setbacks. You were going to have bad days. You were going to feel broken, lost. You were going to feel down. But I promise you, they are real. The people who love you are real. There are so many. Your affect on the world may seem miniscule to you but it's not. You can save the world. You make it better everyday. You may save the people who save the world. You matter. You help the world turn. Even when you have bad days, you will always have someone who will want to be there right with you. They will want to suffer with you. They would do anything for you. Never give up.

You must know: you are loved, you are not alone, you are worth it, and you must always keep fighting.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for reading! Never doubt yourself or think you don’t deserve love! You do! You deserve so much! And more!

#always keep fighting #love yourself first #you are not alone #dealing with suicide #reader fanfiction #supernatural #supernatural fanfic #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural imagine #spn family #team free will 3.0 #heros #you are loved #deppression #anxiety #love you #support one another #I love you

33 notes · View notes

mab1905 · 4 years

Text

Things I needed to get off my chest, referring to the last epsiode of Supernatural.

WARNING: EVERYTHING YOU’RE ABOUT TO READ IS A PERSONAL OPINION, IF THIS FACT GETS YOU HEATED THEN GET OFF MY PROPERTY.

WARNING: (PART TWO) I USE THE WORD QU**R — UNCENSORED — AS A GENERAL TERM FOR THE LGBTQ COMUNITY, I ALSO USE IT AS A PERSONAL SEXUAL IDENTITY. IF THIS WORD TRIGGERS YOU THEN KEEP SCROLLING PAST THIS POST.

We all knew how this was going to end. Whether you’ve watched forever or stopped years ago or have never seen it but know the jist because of all the shit that’s been going around tumblr; you knew how this was going to end. And it was never going to be explicitly queer, it just wasn’t. Somehow, despite knowing that, it still hurts like a motherfucker. I’m disturbed. I’m actually disturbed. I’m disturbed as a queer man, I’m disturbed as a fan of the show, as a fan of the writers, as a fan of Misha (who is all good in my books because we all knew he put his heart and soul into that fucking confession scene despite knowing the horseshit that was gonna follow). So let me break this down.

Part One: The episode, in of itself, kinda just sucked.

The begining I liked— I thought, okay, some reminiscent stuff, they said it would be like older episodes, they’re referencing shit, they got a dog, okay sure. This is sweet. J2 knocking it out of the park with all the brotherly banter. I laughed, it was nice. The introduction of the monster was scary, an elevated classic. Some good old dean and Sam torturing the monster, I’m digging it. Going to some rusty old building, suspense where you see the monster in the background, a good time, you know? But that death scene— w o w. Now, I actually like the idea of Dean dying suddenly with something seemingly so small and trivial, (great life ends with a whisper not a scream, right?), but it was TOO sudden. It came out of nowhere in a bad way. The whole fight, them finding the monster, the brief flashback to someone from a past epsiode we had all forgotten about, it just felt so rushed. Rushed to the point where, throughout the entire death, I was just waiting for Dean to smile and say “sike.” I literally couldn’t believe it, and not because I was sad; how it happened, how it was written, was so awkward that I couldn’t believe they actually had it happen. I actually didn’t believe it until Dean’s body was burning. That’s how in shock I was. And even though Jared and Jensen were acting their asses off and doing a great job of it, it didn’t effect me emotionally at all, cause it just felt so weird, like I couldn’t take it seriously. Then that feeling lasted throughout the rest of the epsiode. Every thing that happened after that felt forced and unnatural. Like I was watching the YouTube Original knockoff of my favorite HBO show. It didn’t even end with Dean and Sam in the Impala. Them looking at the lego pieces stuck in the air vent or putting in a cassette tape and letting a NOT COVER VERSION of Wayward Son play. Why the fuck were they on a bridge.

Part Two: Cas.

It would have been almost better, if they hadn’t said anything at all. If it was just Dean and Sam for the entire epsiode and that’s it. I could have gotten behind that. But the second they made some half assed comment about moving on and sacrifice, it was fucking over. Any respect I had for this show was thrown out the window because I knew he wouldn’t be mentioned again (and I was genuinly shocked when he was). I wasn’t expecting a kiss, or for them to hold hands, or even for Dean to reciprocate at all, but that? What they fucking did? Every single bit of character development, every scene, every amazing bit of acting, all of it to feel like it was essentially thrown away with “we gotta just move past it.” We all knew it was a queer bait, we knew it from the begining, and I had prepared myself to be disappointed from the moment I started watching this show, but that just made me angry. Really truly angry. And no it’s not just a fucking TV show. It’s the longest running sci-fi show to date, it was the spec of queer representation people latched onto during their childhoods a grew up with, it is what influenced the lives of hundreds of thousands of people— and for them to essentially take the queer character that so many people had associated with and looked up to and seen themselves in and trusted and used to keep them going, and just push them aside and say that’s okay? They actually looked at that, they looked at the two lines this character who carried the entire show on his back was mentioned in, and said that’s okay? Again, I prepared for it, but to see it done so damn shamelessly, so blantanly, was just a fucking punch to the gut. Like I never truly realized how little they cared until now. I’ve been abused and bullied on the basis of my sexuality before, and it really does feel similar, certainly not as bad, but similar, because it’s coming from the exact same place in their minds. Even if they don’t truly mean to be homophobic or hurtful, that part of their brains told them this was okay to do to the people who had followed them and sung their praises for years. Well guess what. You’re done. You can leave now, thanks, but no thanks.

Part Three: Paint a Rainbow On Your Impala

I told my friend this, who has been watching the show for longer than I have, and who owns two toy model impalas: “keep your impala and paint a rainbow on it and hang it on your wall because fuck those assholes we didn’t need them to make it gay we did it ourselves.” I will not be boycotting the show entirely, and neither should you. I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to watch another full episode after this. That was it. That was really just... too fucking much. So that’s it. But I’m not going to pretend I won’t look up my favorite scenes once and a while. I’m not going to stop loving Cas, I’m not going to stop loving Misha ‘cause it’s not his fault for what the writers did. I’m gonna write a better ending in my head and read a fanfic and read metas from a few years ago and maybe make a gay crack video— because that’s the part of this that made me really happy. The queer part. The unashamed, open, diverse, amazing and wild queerness of this fandom and the development of this character. The part that the community built despite knowing the bullshit the show was putting us through. We held up this dumbass show because we had made an entire queer subculture for it to stand on. And maybe the source material is bullshit, but that’s real. That’s so fucking real and that on its own brings in enough representation for anyone too feel accepted and seen and heard. Music is very important to me, almost unmatched by anything else actually. I use it as comfort, as communication, as esacpe, as focus. I have a playlist for everything, and I have never in my life deleted a single one of them. It may seem like a small thing, but trust me it’s just one of those habits that’s built into my code and is so important to me. I was on the verge of deleting my SPN playlist, even just looking at it reminded me of how disturbed and wronged I felt. It was just so shitty and it made me feel shitty and it made anything connected to it feel shitty. But I came to the decision, that this is my fucking playlist, and Cas is our queer character, and he’s going to have lunch with the Crystal Gems and She-Rah and Deet’s dads from The Dark Crystal, and we are going to celebrate our own queerness within this community, and we are going to play “Angel With a Shotgun” SO loud and paint rainbows on our impalas and write the most passive aggressive fix-it fics we can and revel in this fandom and I will never touch another epsiode because F U C K. T H E M.

#supernatural #last episode #spn 15x20 #castiel #dean #sam #misha collins #spn #gay #lgbtq #pride #fuck em all we made it gay #queer representation

10 notes · View notes

castiel-kline · 3 years

Note

15, 18, and 27 ('visited upon the children' for 27)

15. A Hollywood producer tells you that they want to film just one of your fics. Which fic would you want it to be?

Already answered!

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

It’s long, and from my temporarily abandoned megafic, but I do really like how it turned out. And Cas contemplating faith and parenthood is something I wish we’d seen more of, so:

He looked at the stars, up at the place he assumed contained his father somewhere in all its vastness. Amara too, he supposed. And he was struck by the fact that when he thought of God these days, there was nothing there. The well of his faith had run dry long ago, so it felt strange to believe in anything, now, after so much time with his only hopes being in two humans who were better than he could ever hope to be.

He missed it. He missed believing that there was a greater purpose and that there was a reason for all the pain and loneliness he endured each day, but… there wasn’t. The story was never meant to go on this far, and God didn’t care. He didn’t listen, just popped in when his sister was about to break his favorite toy.

Faith in a child was something Castiel had never considered. God certainly didn’t have faith in his children, least of all the angels. Why else would he have sculpted them to be automatons, simply carrying out orders?

Sam and Dean didn’t have children for Cas to observe them interacting with, and he’d heard precious little about their father. Mary was struggling with her resurrection, and the faith she had in her sons was understandably still interwoven with the dull shock of time displacement. Rowena and Crowley… well. They were a poor example, riddled with complexity as they were.

Jimmy. Jimmy believed in Claire so much, loved her like… like she was more precious than the sun. Cas thought perhaps faith and love came hand in hand, sometimes dangerously so. But Jimmy’s capacity for it was endlessly bountiful. And beautiful.

The way Kelly believed in her baby was, of course, a very different situation. Or maybe it was the same, just taking shape in a different way. He wondered if Kelly’s parents had the same faith from the other side of the phone, or it was an isolated phenomenon, found only in the most special of souls. Somehow he had a feeling it was far more universal than that.

The most shocking thing was how much Cas himself believed in the child. But this new faith, though it shone bright as the stars, could not put more water into that old dry well. And it was so totally different, because this time Castiel couldn’t rely on order and instruction, not that he’d ever been very good at keeping to them. He’d have to be a guide to a fragile and volatile new life, and he doubted he was prepared for it.

27. If you were ever to do a sequel to [x fic], what do you think might happen in it?

ooo a sequel to visited upon the children?? I hadn’t considered one before but it would probably be a Cas&Jimmy conversation with Jack awkwardly in the middle until he leaves to give them some space to talk. And that’s when things get REALLY angsty.

#kitkat rambles #thanks for asking!

2 notes · View notes

deans-mind-palace · 4 years

Text

Conversations in the Dark

Pairing: Castiel x Reader

Summary: Nothing’s real what happens in the dark. That’s what your mother told you about nightmares. But you’re hunter and you know that nightmares exist in the daylight, too. Your relationship with Cas isn’t always easy. However, in moments of doubt it’s good you have each other. Because that’s all that really matters.

Word Count: 2,496

Warnings: A lot of angst, fluff and some snoring Winchesters

Author’s Note: This fic is based on the new song ‚Conversations in the dark‘ by John Legend. It is a present for the 200 followers celebration. Show it some love. <3

Like always, my tag lists are OPEN!!!

Wanna read more? Have a look here: Masterlist

"So guys, that's it. We're all exhausted and there's no motel the next few miles. Guess, we have to stop here." Dean announced as he drove the Impala off the road and into a parking lot. The gravel crunched under the tires as soon as the car came to a halt and the engine purred until Dean pulled the key out of the ignition hole and ran over his eyes in exhaustion. The radio died down and for a moment there was silence in the car. Sam yawned and tried to fold his long legs comfortably in the passenger seat. Another night he had to spend sitting. Alone at the thought of the back pain he pulled a face. Dean stretched out his legs and leaned back in his seat as best he could. Cas sat with you in the back seat. You were as exhausted as the two brothers and could only keep your eyes open with difficulty. Your head rested on Cas' shoulder for some time. Gently his deep voice reached you.

"Come on, Y/N. You're tired, let's get some sleep." When he said "us", he really meant you, because the angel did not sleep. But since your relationship he had gotten into the habit of spending the nights with you, even if that meant he had to fold up with three other people in a car just to be at your side. You gave him a tired smile when you finally lay on the seats. The bench was not very broad and Cas held you tightly wrapped so you wouldn't slide into the footwell. Soon you had found a more or less comfortable position. Your legs were entangled and his hand rested on your back, while he pressed you against his chest. His chin rested against your forehead and your hands lay on his chest. He smiled at you through the darkness and his stubble scratched your skin. His teeth shone bright in the darkness. From the front seats you could already hear the brothers' steady breathing. They were fast asleep.

Talk Let's have conversations in the dark World is sleeping, I'm awake with you With you Watch Movies that we've both already seen I ain't even looking at the screen, it's true I got my eyes on you

You sighed contentedly and your gaze slipped out of the window of the Impala. While lying down, you could see the bright stars in the night-black sky. You were so far away from the nearest town that the sky was perfectly clear. Purple, pink and blue blended into a single work of art, interwoven with small white stars. "Cas. Look! Look at the stars! Aren't they beautiful?" you breathed happily and he could clearly hear the admiration in your voice. You beamed at the sight of the stars. Cas hummed. He had not even looked out the window. His eyes were only on you. How beautiful you looked. How the moon cast a shadow over your face and made your skin shine silvery. How your eyes sparkled in the dark and you bit your lip. "Hm, right." he muttered, but his gaze never left your face.

And you say that you're not worth it You get hung up on your flaws Well, in my eyes you are perfect As you are

"Have you ever seen anything more beautiful than the night sky? Anything more magical?" you asked as you continued to dreamily look up at the stars. Cas knew God's creation by heart. He had seen the stars countless times before, he was there when they were created. They were beautiful, but they could not keep up with you. You were the most beautiful thing God had ever created and he was grateful for every day he was allowed to spend at your side. You cast a spell over Cas with your very own magic. "Nothing is more beautiful than the stars," you whispered into the silence with fascination. "Yes, you," he replied honestly and his voice rumbled deep in his chest. You looked at the angel and smiled. "Charmeur." Your fingers gently stroked his cheek before kissing him. Your hand found his and you crossed your fingers while you looked up into the stars together and hung on to your thoughts.

I will never try to change you, change you I will always want the same you, same you Swear on everything I pray to That I won't break your heart I'll be there when you get lonely, lonely Keep the secrets that you told me, told me And your love is all you owe me And I won't break your heart

He loved your fascination, even for the little things. With such devotion you did the things you loved. Your selflessness. You would die for him or the brothers without hesitation. Your silence. You could sit for hours during a thunderstorm in a rundown hotel room, staring out the window, lost in thought, with his head in your lap and your fingers gently combing through his brown hair, while a pleasant silence reigned and you listened to nature. After a failed hunt you would tell him stories from your childhood until he would lie calmly with you in his arms. Even if that meant you had to make up stories. Castiel loved so many little things about you. How you would always let Dean pick the television channel to avoid a fight. How you always sang or whistled in the shower. How your nose turned up when you bit into a slice of your favorite pizza.

You were perfect. And Castiel loved you for who you were. "What's your greatest secret, Cas?" you asked, turning your head so your beautiful eyes met him. You looked at him questioningly. Cas didn't have to think long. "That I love you." And with a smile on his face, he watched you frown at that answer. "But it's no secret. Dean and Sam know." you muttered, and your eyes looked at him big and innocent. He laughed softly at your amazement. "That's right. But only I will ever know how much I really love you, because words don't even begin to describe it." The angel gave you a gentle kiss on the forehead. You loved it when Cas was like that. It was a side of Castiel that was reserved for you, that he showed only to you. Only with you was this quiet angel so open and soulful. Only with him did you feel complete.

Suddenly a shooting star was streaming across the dark night sky. You closed your eyes and made a wish. "What is your greatest wish, sweetheart?" mumbled Cas near your ear and a pleasant shiver ran down your spine. You embarrassingly bit your lip and avoided his gaze. "I - no, it's silly. It was a stupid wish I shouldn't have made. Forget it." You shook your head and looked ahead at your sleeping brothers as you felt Cas's fingers gently lift your chin and turn it towards him. "If this is your wish, it can't be stupid, Y/N." His blue eyes searching for yours and you saw the seriousness in them. You swallowed nervously and nodded slightly. You'd never told anybody about your biggest dream. Not even the person you loved most on this earth.

On Sunday mornings we sleep-in 'til noon Well, I can sleep forever next to you Next to you And we We got places we both gotta be But there ain't nothing I would rather do Then blow off all my plans for you

"I wish the apple pie life for us, Cas. I wish it so much. We could travel the country like normal people and stay in a place we like. We'll look for a little house in a beautiful area where the neighbours have barbecues and celebrate the Fourth of July together. We could make the house cosy and I could grow yellow tea roses in the front garden. Maybe we would have a dog. And a spacious kitchen where we could cook together. Maybe we could plant tomatoes in the garden. And never motel beds again! We'd have our own cozy bedroom. On rainy days we wouldn't even get up, but just listen to the rain pattering against the windows while I'm in your arms. On Sundays, we'd sleep in and I'd make us pancakes." As you talked, Cas closed his eyes and imagined every single scene you described.

How Cas carried you over the threshold of a small house and your eyes sparkled with joy. How your face and hands were encrusted with dirt, yet you grinned at him broadly. How you lay in his arms and his gaze followed the raindrops running down the window. How you stood in his shirt in the kitchen in the morning, making a mess to make pancakes.

There were scenes that put a smile on his face and he felt his heart longed for this life. It was a life you could never have, but with you at his side he dared to dream. He dared for a moment to give himself to the illusion of a normal life.

When Cas opened his eyes again, he saw other stars fall from the sky. Shooting stars were speeding across the sky. It was a night of the wishes.

And you say that you're not worth it And get hung up on your flaws But in my eyes you are perfect As you are As you are

If you were honest, you didn't know what you were wishing for. Like so many hunters of the supernatural, you had never led a normal life and had no idea what you were talking about. You noticed that Cas' smile slipped a little when you first made your wish. Of course it was bullshit. That's why you kept your wish to yourself. You swallowed. It was just one of your nonsense, that's all.

It wasn't the first time that you realized that you would never be married or have children. On some days the thought of spending the rest of your life with salt and corpses seemed unbearable. There would never be a normal life for you. Your boyfriend was an angel. A powerful, superhuman being who could end your life with a snap of his fingers if he wanted to. Cas would never be able to live like a human being. He was immortal, you just a human. You would not grow old together. His body would age, but his spirit could not decompose. One day, you would die, and Castiel would be left behind alone. The thought would make your heart contracted in pain. Cas read your mind, and he pulled you closer.

"I'm sorry I can't be the one you want me to be. That I can't give you the life you want to live." You looked at him with those big eyes. "And if you want me to go, I will, Y/N. All you have to do is send me away because I'm not strong enough. But it's selfish to take away your chance at a normal life." His voice trembled. "Cas, don't you ever say that again, do you hear me?" you said startled. "But-" You gently put your finger on his lips, and he looked at you insecurely as he fell silent. "My life is not normal, Castiel. Never has been, never will be. But, Cas, any life is a good life as long as you're by my side. I love you, and I would never want to change anything about you. You are my angel. Literally. Don't let them tell you different." He nodded hesitantly.

"All these things. They mean nothing to me if it means you're not by my side. That we have moments like this." Your hand was on Cas' chest above his heart and you felt the excited pounding beneath. He pressed a kiss against your temple and together you looked up at the stars again. "I wouldn't trade this moment of lying here with you, philosophizing about life as we contemplate the stars, for anything in the world. You are what matters, Cas. You make my life worth living, Castiel. Don't break my heart," you whispered softly into the darkness of the night, as if the stars could hear your words and carry them out into the world, until the last man knew that you and the angel were one.

When no one seems to notice And your days, they seem so hard My darling, you should know this My love is everywhere you are

"You know I'll always be with you and go with you every step of the way. I will follow you wherever you go. I'll look at the stars with you until the end of time if that's what you want." Suddenly he looked embarrassed and your fingers were combing through his brown hair. For a moment there was silence between you, while you waited for Cas' next words. From the front seats still sounded faint breathing and Dean murmured softly as he turned.

"I'm happy as long as you are." He finally said. His warm breath brushed across your ear and made you shiver. His deep voice echoing in your mind. "And I am happy when you are by my side. Until the end of time." "Until the end of time," the angel repeated, intertwining your fingers over his heart with his.

For some time you remained lying there in the silence and enjoyed the closeness of the other. Until dawn you looked at the stars shooting across the sky. You made wishes for the well-being of Cas, Dean and Sam. It was night of the wishes, after all, and tonight everything seemed to be possible. Maybe your wishes would be heard. You watched the sky change from deep black to stormy blue to dreamy purple to soft pink to fiery orange. It was the image of your feelings. The light of the stars faded as a new day began. And it was a good day because Castiel was with you and every day with Castiel was a good day. Because it had been a silent promise.

I won't break your heart

@zizzlekwum

@rintheemolion

@shypickleghostsuitcase

@intoomuchfandoms

@angeltardisbow

@ayamenimthiriel

@mimzy1994

@assbuttyourlife

@vicmc624

@everyobsession9023

@tokiohearts483

@fortheentries

@aberrant-annie

@lust-for-pan

@thewintersoldierswife

@transparentfestivaltiger

30 notes · View notes

theexecutionerssong · 4 years

Note

Hey Gaëlle ! Est-ce-que tu aurais des recommendations de fic Destiel ? Sans trop de smut, surtout pas beta/Omega (c'est même plus du smut à ce niveau-là...) et beaucoup de pining ? ( Je devrai être en train de réviser mes partiels d'ailleurs... 😅). Merci beaucoup ! 😌

Hellooo ! Alors tu as frappé à la bonne porte parce que je lis jamais de smut, ou alors quand c’est dans des longues fics, je passe juste ces passages là. (mais j’aime beaucoup les fic a/b/o qui ont pas de smut, parce que les sentiments sont quintuplés donc pining + angst on a whole other level). Y’a peu de fluff dans mes fics préférées, love me some angsty life and death moments, mais ça finit toujours bien. Enfin. Vérifie les tags quand même :)))) J’ai mis les liens, si y’a pas c’est qu’elles ont été supprimées mais j’ai les pdf donc hit me up.Et révise tes partiels !!!!

CANON

A turn of the earth -https://archiveofourown.org/works/5138552/chapters/11825306

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

Probably my favorite fic set in Canon. It’s set around season 11, and I love how we dive into Dean’s past pre-series and then as time goes by, we catch up with the show timeline’s. It’s incredibly well written.

525,600 Minutes - https://archiveofourown.org/works/507228/chapters/892693

A man wakes up alone on the streets of Detroit. Lost and somehow forgotten, he's dressed in blood-soaked clothing without memories and without a name.

This is his journey to find it.

It was first published in 2012 set after s5, but it was rewritten last year. I still have the old version for nostalgia’s sake but the new version is even better. It’s got some amnesia so great for pining :))))

The inexhaustible silence of houses -https://archiveofourown.org/works/560268/chapters/1000755

Almost two years after the world doesn't end, Castiel falls from grace—and loses his voice in the process. It is the impetus for confession and change; before long, he is settling into a loving relationship with Dean, the Winchesters are tired, and hunting for a place to land has taken precedence to hunting anything else. Dean and Castiel fall in love with the strange little house on the end of Swallowtail Drive, and for a little while life is as it should be—sweet, affectionate, and beginning afresh.

But more and more Castiel sees and hears things in the house that beg the question of whether or not a place itself can be alive. The walls and rooms seem to shift and grow and breathe, and one night, Dean comes home from a hunt changed in a way that Castiel cannot explain. In the months that follow, their domestic bliss takes turns for the dark and sour, and the confusion of their circumstances will ultimately test everything Castiel knows about the man he loves, and everything he believes to be true.

Listen, I cried. I cried SO MUCH. There was a lil fandom war going on for a time between which was the hardest, this one or Twist and Shout, and both destroy me completely. But this one is set in canon and closer to the characters, to me, so I’ll always recommend this one first (unless you want a happy ending, in which case, don’t read it)

Only if for a night - https://archiveofourown.org/works/826303

Castiel is captured by a djinn. Dean goes slightly crazy, and Cas discovers a thing or two about himself.

I’m a sucker for Dean/Cas in Djinn verse and this one is by far my favorite.

The Bird That Feels The Light (not slash) https://archiveofourown.org/works/210860

AU from 5.18 (or thereabouts). Castiel awakens in the middle of a smoking crater, stranded and very much human. According to the people who have discovered him, it’s six months to the day after Michael and Lucifer faced off on the field of battle outside of Detroit, and Castiel isn’t the only one to have returned. When, at his insistence, they take him to this other person, he finds a child –a little boy– and realizes that, contrary to all his expectations, he has been reunited with Dean Winchester. The world has changed in their absence, and not for the better. Sam is gone, whether dead or simply missing is uncertain. Castiel is given the name of a man in Idaho who may have answers for him. He is faced with the task of travelling cross-country with Dean, who is dependent on him now in ways he never was before, in order to discover the truth. But along the way, as he and Dean learn to know and trust each other once more, Castiel begins to realize that the answers he thought he wanted might not be the ones he needs.

It’s not slash at all since Dean is a kid but I’ve read it probably about 20 times and I still love it as the first time. There’s just something about human Castiel carrying a 4 year old Dean across the world and fighting monsters and demons and humans to survive that gets to me.

Hands, From Which All Things Are Built - https://archiveofourown.org/works/747324

Castiel travels with the angel tablet and without the Winchesters. One day, Dean gets a text from some anonymous number. (They speak in the language of need.) A post-08.17 Goodbye, Stranger story.

If you want pining, this one is definitely for you.

Last Man Standing - https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8363328/1/Last-Man-Standing

This one is set just after the season 7 finale, it’s a Purgatory fic with so.much.pining I always need to hold a pillow to my chest when I read it or I go insane sdfghjkl I haven’t read it in probably 4 years but I remember absolutely loving it.

Outrun my gun - https://archiveofourown.org/works/281887/chapters/448388

"The two of you are so stubborn you've made Heaven blink." Finally convinced that Sam and Dean will never say yes and accept their destinies, Heaven and Hell come up with a new plan, one that will redraw the Apocalypse and make everything run much more smoothly. All they need is Dean Winchester's soul.

Don’t mind the MCD tag, it’s got a happy ending. Also a classic set in canon, it’s from 2011 so quite oldish but it’s incredible how the characterization is on point. Love love love it.

Tramps Like Us

Dean Winchester's life is falling apart. He's lost his job, his apartment, and his brother, all in one day. He seems to break everything he touches. Frustrated and alone, he drives off into the night with no idea where he's headed. But then he meets Castiel Novak, a quiet and reclusive man with a haunted past, and suddenly he finds himself with a very specific destination in mind.

I feel like everyone has read Tramps Like Us but just in case, I’ll put it on the list. Not sure what I can say that hasn’t been said by half this website already but well… it deserves the hype.

Til The Last - https://archiveofourown.org/works/1001935/chapters/1984189

When the war came, Dean Winchester was determined that he was not going to get involved. He had more important things to worry about than some rich man’s fight. He had work on the farm and he had taking care of his family. Nothing else was worth his worry. But in August in the Year of Our Lord 1863, when the soldiers came knocking, they weren’t asking. They dragged Dean away.

Dean and Cas have been best friends since they were kids. When Dean is drafted into the Confederate army, to what lengths will Castiel go to ensure that Dean makes it back home alive?

OH BOY. OHHHHH I could talk about that one until the day I die. It’s a complete AU but it has great parallels to canon, it’s incredibly well written, humanity in all it’s ugly truth and “I will fight for you ‘til the last, Dean Winchester” jesus christ it’s so good, so good

Out of the Deep - https://archiveofourown.org/works/548878

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep.

It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep.

Castiel should have listened better.

I love everything she writes but I think this one if my favorite. It’s sooooo long, and angsty as fuck but all ends well and it has some very fluffy moments. If you’re into this kinf of AU then 100% go for it.

To Raise a King - https://archiveofourown.org/works/1961403

This must be some kind of horrible joke at Castiel’s expense. Is he truly expected to protect a King? One who has been their enemy for as long as he can remember? He is much more suited to being a part of the army, or at the very least someone who helps to train the knights. That would be far more preferred than having to watch over the King. It means Castiel would get to keep fighting – and that’s the only way he knows to give meaning to his life.

An AU too, Cas is tasked to watch over Sam and Dean -there’s an 8 year age difference between Dean and Cas. I loved it because it’s set over about 15 years and Cas is asexual and I love time period AU in general :’)

Painted Angels https://archiveofourown.org/works/1085792

Author Castiel Novak has finally hit the big time, with a book based on his failed college relationship with a brilliant painter. He's put all his pain behind him, but at a book signing, he comes face to face with Dean Winchester for the first time in twelve years, and the reunion doesn't go like Cas hoped. Dean's a broken man, with a lot of scars and secrets, shoulders weighed down by his demons and self loathing. Cas sees a second chance with the man he's never stopped loving, but Dean's moved on, and is about to get married. Sam launches a "brilliant" plan to reunite his brother and his best friend, but Cas is worried it will all blow up in their faces, and he'll go through the agony of losing Dean a second time.

This one is hard to read because for the most part, it’s heartbreaking. There are happy flashbacks all along but it’s still hard when what happens in the present it’s a fucking tragedy. But I would still read it a thousand times over, and the timestamp completely make up for all the pining and the angst. It’s rare to find fics that last an entire lifetime.

#gaelle parle #spn #fic rec #martineaualexia

6 notes · View notes

nickelkeep · 4 years

Photo

Among the Wildflowers

Pairing: Dean/Cas, Dean/Cain (prior), Cain/Colette Rating: Teen Word Count: 7.3K Warnings: Mentions of a V-Polycule, Dean’s a bit of an ass in this one. Written For: nickel’s story time On Ao3

Dean pulled into a spot behind the library, double-checking the time. Early as usual, but Jody's jeep was also there, parked in her usual spot. He climbed out of his Impala, giving a loving pat on her hood, before heading to the backdoor and checking the handle. The door was unlocked, and Dean stepped inside, wondering what had gotten Jody into the library before noon.

"Dean, is that you?" Jody peeked out of her office before stepping into the hallway. "Good, you're the second person here."

"Assuming you're the first?" Dean raised an eyebrow. "Not that I don't enjoy spending time with you, but it's almost seven a.m. on a Monday. Either there's something bad happening, or something big."

"Why does your mind go right to bad?" Jody leaned against the doorframe to her office. "You know we've been going through interviews to replace Cain."

Dean tried his hardest not to flinch and found himself swallowing down bile. "Yeah. And I specifically said I shouldn't be a part of it."

"And we respected that request, Dean." Jody stepped across and gently squeezed Dean's shoulder. "His replacement is starting today and should be here by 7:15."

"Couldn't think to warn me first?" Dean's mouth opened in shock. "Morning, Dean, oh, by the way, Cain's replacement starts within the next..." Dean looked at his watch. "twenty minutes?"

Jody shot Dean a glare before softening her expression. "I know it was especially hard on you, Dean, but do you think it was easy on the rest of us? Cain was one of the first Librarians when we opened this branch. He'll always be family." She gently patted Dean's cheek. "But you know we couldn't get by on just you, me, and Garth. Not even with the volunteers."

"I know." Dean nodded in reluctant agreement. "So, what's the plan?"

"I need you to finish clearing off Cain's desk. Garth is content staying in his little closet of an office, so our new Librarian is joining you." Jody lightly shoved Dean's shoulder. "I'll come and get you in a few."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you're punishing me." Dean turned to continue down the hallway to his office. "What happened to me being your favorite?"

"You'll always be my favorite. Just like Garth will always be my favorite." She ducked back inside of her office, leaving Dean alone in the hallway.

As he stepped inside his office, Dean took a look around. For the past five years, he had shared this space with Cain. Dean knew the inevitable was coming before anyone else did. Cain had pulled him aside and said that he was moving himself and Colette down to a warmer climate to give her a fighting chance with her illness. But having that warning didn't make seeing his partner, his confidant, his lover leave any easier.

Dean traced his fingers along the rich wood of Cain's desk - soon to be the new guy's desk - his stomach dropped, and the pain he thought he had buried came bubbling up to the surface. Dean quickly looked around the room and found an old file box and started clearing off the desk. Jody had humored him for too long, letting him imagine that Cain was still sitting across from him.

Dean carefully put each item into the box. Cain left these small mementos behind for Dean, after all. His thoughts focused on the conversation Cain sat him down for, Colette at his side. She wasn't getting better, she would only continue to get worse, and the doctors recommended a warmer, drier location for her. Colette knew how much Dean meant to Cain and suggested that he came along.

They both knew he wouldn't. Their offer was kind, but packing up his entire life, leaving his family behind? Dean couldn't do it. He traced his finger down the picture Cain had kept of them on his desk, Cain pressing a kiss against Dean's temple as Dean smiled brightly at the camera, and set it in the box.

Dean finished packing away the few things on Cain's desk, making sure the drawers were cleared out when there was a knock on the doorframe. Garth stood there, hands in his pockets. "Heya, Dean. Jody sent me to come and get you. The new guy has arrived."

"Okay." Dean put the lid on the box and carried it back to his side of the office. He looked at how the two desks faced each other, pressed together, how it had allowed him to look at Cain every day. Dean shook his head and turned to Garth. "You meet him already?"

"Just saw him come in." Garth shrugged, his cheek pulling into an overemphasized dimple. "Jody met him at the backdoor and let him in, then took him to her office. I think she was preparing him to meet us and the few long time volunteers who were close with Cain."

Dean meekly nodded. "First impressions?"

"I mean, if we're going based off of looks alone, he'll definitely keep our book clubs excited." Garth bit the inside of his cheek, a tell that Dean was familiar with. Garth was lying.

"You already know him, don't you?"

Garth pointed at his cheek. "I did the thing, didn't I?"

"It's how I mop the floor with you on poker nights." Dean crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm serious, Garth. He's literally taking my ex's seat. The one I didn't want to lose. What do I need to know about him?"

"Castiel is good people, Dean. We went to school together. Graduated top of his class. After school, he went back home to Illinois to take care of his ailing dad. His dad died, he didn't want to live in Illinois anymore, and we had the spot open up here. It was almost as if it were perfect timing, Dean!" Garth turned his puppy dog eyes on to eleven. "Give him a chance. For me?"

Dean rubbed at his eyes before gesturing for Garth to lead the way. "Only cause you asked so nicely." He quietly followed behind his friend and colleague, waiting patiently for Jody to say they could come in after Garth knocked on her office door.

Once the permission was granted, Garth stepped in first, pulling the new guy - Castiel he had said - to his feet and into a firm hug. Garth took a glance at Jody, met with a nod, and turned to Dean, "Dean Winchester, allow me to introduce you to our newest Librarian. Castiel Novak."

"Pleasure to meet you, Dean." Castiel extended his hand out, and Dean reluctantly took it. "Garth has told me a lot about you."

"He has?" Dean looked over at Garth, his eyebrow raised, before mouthing 'Cain?' Garth shook his head, and Dean nodded his appreciation. "Wish I could say the same about you."

"Well, I hear we're to be sharing an office?" Castiel tilted his head, and Dean couldn't stand how friendly the guy was being. It was making it way too hard to hate him. "I have a feeling we'll get to know each other pretty well."

"Something like that." Dean let go of Castiel's hand and took a moment to actually take a look at the man. He was about the same height as Dean, if maybe a little shorter, and his dark brown hair looked like the thick luscious locks he could run his fingers through. And this guy's eyes? Dean would be lying if he didn't admire the deep blue color piercing into his soul.

A deliberate, interrupting cough came from Dean's side, and he turned to look at Garth. A knowing smirk was on Garth's lips, and Dean turned bright red. "Everything alright there, Dean-O?"

"Uh, yeah." Dean looked back at Castiel before looking at Jody, who was returning his look with a scrutinizing glance. "I just zoned out there for a second. I haven't had my caffeine yet, and I think my brain froze." He felt the heat of his blush rise up his cheeks and to the tips of his ears. "I should probably fix that before I actually have to deal with the public. Excuse me." Dean turned and quickly exited Jody's office, heading down to the break room.

Dean softly cursed himself under his breath as he pulled out the makings for coffee. As he prepped the machine, he started spiraling into a small pit of self-hatred. While Dean swore that he wouldn't hate anyone who replaced Cain, he didn't expect to be instantly fascinated. It was almost an insult to what he had with Cain, and Dean couldn't take it. He leaned back on the counter and waited as the coffee started to drip.

"My apologies." The soft, gravelly voice of his new coworker pulled Dean out of his downward dive. "It was not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable."

"You didn't." Dean shook his head, turning to face the coffee machine again. "Like I said..."

"You need your caffeine." Castiel finished Dean's sentence.

"Yep. Didn't stop, and I forgot to set my pot at home last night." Dean reached up into the cabinet above his head and grabbed one of his mugs that stayed at the library. He let out a breath and looked over at Castiel. "Want a cup? You can borrow one of my mugs until you bring your own."

"No, but thank you." Castiel leaned against the doorframe. "I don't drink coffee, but I do enjoy a nice hot cup of tea."

Dean nodded in acknowledgment. "I'll try and remember that." He removed the pot as the last drips fell out from the spout and filled his mug. "So, I guess you probably want to see the office you're going to be splitting with me?"

"If you don't mind?" Cas offered a small smile. "Jody said you'd take care of me."

Dean swallowed hard, remembering what Cain had said to him about taking care of their family of misfits before driving off. "I uh... Yeah." Dean pointed towards the hallway and found himself leading Castiel down to their office. He stood in the doorway for a second, taking one last glance of it the way it was, before moving aside. "That's my desk on the left, yours is the one across from it.

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel entered the room and looked around. "It's very cozy."

"You can just say it's small, Cas." Dean crossed to his chair and sat down, kicking his feet up on his desk.

"Cas?" Cas raised an eyebrow in question. "I didn't realize we were at the nickname stage."

Dean shrugged. "Your name's a bit of a mouthful, no offense."

"None taken."

"I can call you something else? Mr. Novak?" Dean took a swig of his coffee before setting it on the desk.

Cas smirked as he crossed to his desk. "Mr. Novak was my father. I'm fine with Cas, Dean."

"Well, then. I'm gonna finish up my coffee, and then I've got some procurement orders to fill out..." Dean watched as Cas traced his fingers along the desk, much like he had that morning, and looked around the room. "Everything okay?"

"This is a fascinating setup." Cas pointed at the two desks, then around the rest of the room. "You could, however, probably make more space in the room with some small rearrangements."

Dean shook his head, unsure if he heard Cas correctly. "I'm sorry, did you say rearrange?" He pulled his feet down from his desk and pulled himself closer, tucking his legs underneath. "There's nothing wrong with this arrangement."

"You called the room small, Dean, I was just merely offering a suggestion." Cas frowned. "I'm sorry."

"I was responding to your comment about the room being 'cozy.''' Dean shook his head. This was not going the way it was supposed to, not that Dean had really envisioned someone other than Cain sitting across from him.

As though he were psychic, Cas sat down in Cain's chair. It took all of Dean's willpower to keep himself from frowning. He turned to focus on his computer, and Cas broke the silence. "Perhaps we should rearrange just so you don't have to look at me."

"Huh? What?" Dean replied, shocked by the comment. "Where is that coming from?" Dean held up a finger. "You know what? Nevermind. If you want to rearrange the office, rearrange it. I can do this from one of the computers at the circulation desk." Dean picked up the box of Cain's things off the floor and set them on his chair. "Go to town, Castiel."

Cas looked hurt, but Dean couldn't find a single care to give. "I'm sorry, Dean. I just..."

"Change is good, right?" Dean grabbed his mug and the procurement orders before storming out to the circulation desk.

A short while later, as Dean flipped over to the next page in the list, Jody came up behind him and snatched the packet out of his hands. "This doesn't look like your office, Dean."

"You're very observant today, Jodes." He went to grab it back and was met by Jody's pissed-off-mom face. "What?"

"You said you'd give him a chance." Jody crossed her arms. "You said you'd help him out." She stepped into Dean's bubble and jabbed her finger into his chest. "What happened to that?"

"Oh, hell no, Jodes." Dean made a grab for the papers again, before meeting Jody with his own glare. "This ain't just on me. Not even two seconds in the office, he complained about the size and wanted to start rearranging it. Not my fault if you hired someone with a size kink."

Jody rolled up the list and smacked Dean's shoulder. "Watch it, you." She pulled up a stool and sat down next to Dean. "You can't swallow your pride for two seconds? You need to storm off and do your work out here?"

"Look, I'm not going to lie. I am bitter. We knew that was going to happen. And I thought I could swallow my pride and be the bigger person." Dean shook his head. "There is a such thing as too much change all at once, Jody."

"Fair enough." She handed Dean back his list before running her fingers through his hair and mussing it up. "Finish what you have left and go home, or go to Charlie's. Take a half-day. I'll talk to Castiel."

"And what are you going to say? 'Sorry, Dean's an emotional wreck because you're replacing his ex-boyfriend and we're forcing too many changes on him all at once?'"

Jody nodded. "Something like that."

"Don't you dare." Dean started to stand, but found Jody's hands on his shoulders, keeping him in place.

"It's me, Dean. You know I'm not going to be that blunt about it. Finish that up, and check in with me to let me know you're leaving. When you're gone, I'll talk with Castiel. Okay?"

Dean nodded as he watched Jody walk away, frustrated that he couldn't keep his emotions in check.

…

After he finished the list, Dean stopped by his office - after being admittedly childish and asking for Garth to get Cas out of there - and grabbed his bag and jacket. Slipping out before Cas and Garth could return, he stopped by Jody's office. The door was open, and he knocked on the frame. "I got the orders done. I'm heading out."

"Thank you, Dean. I'll see you tomorrow?" Jody sat up straighter in her seat, a posture that Dean jokingly called her Meerkat Impersonation.

"Yeah, I'll be here. Bright and early. Cause that's how morning birds and people who never went to bed, are." Dean adjusted his bag on his shoulder. "You promise you won't..."

"Bring up Cain?" Jody leaned forward and roasted her chin on her palm. "I make no promises, but I will keep out the fact that you two were an item." She smirked. "Afraid it's going to chase him away?"

"Excuse me?" Dean's mouth twisted into a frown. "Why would I be afraid of that?"

"Go talk to Charlie, Dean. I'll see you around noon tomorrow, okay?" Jody shooed him out of the office, and he walked out the back door to his car.

Twenty minutes later, he pulled in front of Charlie's cafe. Dean kicked himself over the fact that he didn't call or text her, warning about his arrival and crappy attitude. However, as he entered, Charlie was already waiting with a cup of coffee and an apple turnover.

"Hey there, Dean." She gestured to a table towards the back of the shop. As Dean took his seat, she sat the food and coffee down in front of him, taking the chair across the table. "So, rough day at work?"

"How would you know about that?" Dean reached for the coffee and slouched down in his seat. "Garth?"

"Close, but no cigar. Jody called herself." Charlie rested her arms across her chest. Leaning back in her own seat. "Something about too much all at once? Feeling a little overwhelmed?"

Dean couldn't help but nod. "It's only been what? six months since he left?" He switched to shaking his head. "And now I have to erase him from everything."

"So, you take it out on the new guy?" Charlie reached across the table and took Dean's hand into hers. "Dean, no one wants you to forget Cain. No one wanted to see you and Cain end. Hell, Jody fought to make sure neither one of you would be told that you had to go to a different branch."

"Yeah, but now that he's been replaced, everything's changing." Dean frowned, trying to fight back the tears. "The new guy is nice too. I can't actually find anything wrong with him."

"So give him a chance, Dean." Charlie looked up as a chime sounded. She took her hand back and pushed the plate with the turnover closer to Dean. "Hold that thought." She stepped away to deal with whatever she was baking in the back, and Dean took the opportunity to eat his turnover.

As he Dean finished off the last bite, Charlie returned, a muffin in hand. She sat back down and started snacking on it, speaking in between bites. "So, what happened? If he's a nice guy, you wouldn't have found something to hyper-focus on."

"He wanted to rearrange the office." Dean took another sip of his coffee. "I brought him in, he called it cozy, and then said that he had some ideas to give more space."

Charlie leaned forward. "Why would he suggest that out of the blue? Was he nervous and trying to make small talk? Was he maybe trying to make you like him?"

"Dammit, Charlie. Stop playing Devil's Advocate." Dean ran his hand down his face and shook his head. "Maybe?"

"Dean, we've been best friends our whole lives. But sometimes you are the most stubborn asshole I've ever met." Charlie popped the last bite of the muffin into her mouth. "You're pissed off that Cain left you behind. You knew that was always an option. You always knew that if Colette got better and wanted you out of the picture, he would leave." Charlie smiled sadly. "While that's not what happened, you still got five amazing years with Cain. Don't take out your pain on someone who doesn't deserve it."

Dean played with the lid of his empty cup. "Why you gotta be right? Well, mostly right."

"I know Colette said you could come along, but you and I both know why you didn't." Charlie looked over Dean's shoulder and waved before turning her attention back to him. "Mad, angry, sad, disappointed. Whichever word you want, Dean. But the truth is, you're still processing your feelings and taking the negativity out on someone undeserving."

"So, what do you suggest?" Dean frowned. "I mean, I can apologize to Cas, but that's only part of the issue."

"You can also give him a chance." Charlie pushed herself up from the table, walking around and squeezing Dean's shoulder. She stepped back behind the counter and started filling her customer's order.

Dean took that as his opportunity to leave. Between Charlie now and Jody earlier, he knew that he needed to figure out what to do to make things right. He wasn't going to leave the library, Cain wasn't coming back, and there was no reason to chase Cas away. Dean stood up and waved to Charlie. "Put it on my tab, Red. Text me later."

"You better be off to do some soul-searching, handmaiden." Charlie pointed at her eyes then pointed at him, a hopeful smile on her face.

…

The next morning, Dean pulled in behind the parking lot, surprised to see a champagne-colored car parked there as well. Inside was Cas, and Dean realized that he must not have a set of keys yet. Dean hopped out of the Impala and opened the backdoor. Unsurprisingly, Cas was not behind him, and he made sure to prop the door open slightly for Cas to get in when he was ready.

Dean made his way to their office, bracing himself for any changes, but was slightly shocked to find everything in place. He lifted the box of Cain's things off his chair, setting it next to his filing cabinet, and set his bag on top of the box. He looked around, checking for anything out of place when Cas' voice cracked through the room like a whip.

"I like the office the way it is."

Dean stood up straight, clutching his chest and surprised by Cas' stealth abilities. "Jesus, we need to get you a bell or something." At Cas' frown, Dean clarified. "I mean, I never heard you coming, dude. Scared the crap out of me."

"My apologies." Cas looked at the ground and walked over to his desk, taking off his book bag and leaning it against the side before taking a seat. "For that, and our initial meeting yesterday."

"Cas, you have nothing to be sorry for." Dean ran his hand through his hair as he sat down in his own seat. "Maybe if I had been more involved with the search, maybe if I had paid more attention..." He shrugged. "I wasn't ready, I didn't think we'd actually ever get another librarian, and then here you are."

Cas merely nodded as he logged into his computer. After a moment of awkward silence, he spoke up. "Jody said I'm to shadow you until she arrives, then she'll take over, finish up the HR stuff." Cas looked up and met Dean's eyes. "What do you normally do first thing?"

"Coffee." Dean shrugged. "What can I say? I need my caffeine." Remembering their conversation from yesterday, Dean continued. "We also keep some teabags and stuff in there. It's not my preference, but perhaps it'll work for you?"

Cas finally offered a shadow of a smile and stood after Dean did. Together they walked to the breakroom in silence, a semi-peaceful truce between them. Dean opened a cupboard and pointed. "Whatever you need, dude. Go for it." He opened the cabinet next to it, reaching for his coffee crack, and not finding any in reach. "Shit."

"What's wrong, Dean?" Cas held a tin of tea in his hands as he looked over.

"Someone finished the open bag of grounds." Dean stood on tiptoe. "Shit. That was the last bag." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'll just call Jodes and see if she'll stop on her way in." Dean reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone, and started to dial Jody when Cas' hand rested on his and stopped him. "Cas?"

"Jody doesn't come in until eleven. The library doesn't open until eight. I can run to the store and be back before it's open. Then we can pick up with going over what I need to know for the library."

Dean contemplated Cas' offer for a moment. "Cas, I get you're the new guy, but you don't have to do that. I mean, I could probably ask a volunteer to get us a couple of bags until supplies come in."

"And I'm offering to go now. I want to go, and if it gets us back on the right foot with each other, I don't mind." Cas had a soft smile forming on his lips. "Just keep an ear out for me?"

"I've got a better idea." Dean pulled his phone out from under Cas' hand and swiped to his contacts before handing the phone to Cas. "Put your number in." Cas obliged, and Dean instantly shot him a text. "Right foot?"

"Right foot." Cas nodded. "I'll call you when I'm at the door."

Dean stood back and watched as Cas left, taking a moment to try and figure out why he had made things so complicated between them. He shook his head and headed out front to grab books from the dropbox to get started on the morning chores.

…

As he had predicted, Cas was back before eight, calling to be let back in. He had a bag in his hand, and he shooed Dean to finish the last couple of chores and promising that he knew how to work a coffee maker.

Dean felt slightly warm and fuzzy at Cas' offer and willingly accepted it. He finished putting away the rest of the books and refilled the pamphlet wall when Cas came out with two mugs in hand, one filled with tea, the other with coffee.

"Forgive me, I didn't remember you putting anything in it but the two packs of sugar. If you need more..."

Dean took a sip off the coffee and shook his head. "This is great, Cas. Thank you." He nodded to the side with his head. "Come on, I know you know how to be a librarian, but let's get you comfortable working in this branch. Sound like a plan?"

Cas' smile was worth it.

To no surprise, Cas was a quick learner. From what Dean had learned, Cas was top of his class at the University of Illinois, graduating the year ahead of Garth. His knowledge, and how easily he had the Dewey Decimal System memorized, was mind-blowing. It was plain to see why Jody had snatched him up and had probably even fast-tracked him up to her boss for approval.

As nine rolled around, Dean found himself yawning. It was strange, as he had already had his first cup for the day, and that usually held him over until lunch. After making sure that Cas was okay by himself for a moment, Dean went and refilled his coffee. He came back to Daphne - one of their frequent volunteers - flirting with Cas, and Dean chuckled as Cas flustered.

"Daphne, there's a new shipment of romance novels to be put away." Dean walked up next to Cas and tossed his arm around Cas' shoulder. "I know they're your favorite to put away."

Daphne cut a glare at Dean but smiled sweetly at Cas. "He is right. I love a good story about falling in love. Putting them away lets me get to see a title I may have missed." She winked at Cas before going to grab the cart of books Dean referred to.

"Sorry about that, Cas," Dean commented once Daphne was out of earshot. "Figures we get a good looking guy on staff and the ladies go crazy. Don't be surprised if you have a couple of them going gaga over you."

Cas tilted his head. "She wasn't flirting with you."

"She also learned that she doesn't have a chance with me." Dean shrugged before repeating Cas' response in his head. "You think I'm good looking?"

Cas shrugged playfully and walked away to go help a patron who had come up to the counter.

Dean blushed, then found himself yawning again. A cup of coffee at eight, and another one at nine, and he was already contemplating a third. He must have slept worse than he thought. Dean looked over at Cas and smiled before flagging down Becky, asking her to help cover the circulation while he grabbed another cup.

When Jody showed up at eleven, she was beyond pleased with the complete one-eighty Dean had taken in regards to Cas. At least, that was what she had said on the floor. When she pulled Dean back to her office, she couldn't help but laugh.

"You go from not being able to stand in his presence to flirting with him in less than twenty-four hours, Winchester. What's your angle?" She looked over the paperwork that had been left for her.

"I thought about what you and Charlie said." Dean took one of the seats opposite from Jody. "It's not his fault. He's good at his job, he's smart, and I mean," Dean held up his mug. "He got me coffee."

"Ah, yes. The way to your heart. Caffeine." Jody looked at the mug in Dean's hand. "Hitting it early today? You usually wait until lunch."

"Nah, just slept poorly. That happens, you know." Dean took a drink of his coffee. "Question for you."

Jody rolled her eyes. "Wait at least a couple of weeks before asking him on a date, Dean."

"Buh. Wha. Huh?" Dean stumbled over his words, making a cacophony of unintelligible sounds. "Where the hell did you get that from?"

"Am I wrong? You didn't deny flirting with him." Jody signed a piece of paper and looked up at Dean.

"Was I flirting with him? I don't even know what that is anymore." Dean frowned. "I'm gonna go get some work done since you're here now." He stood up and exited Jody's office, heading down to his own. He pulled out the lending list, requests for books from other libraries, and tried to throw himself into his work.

"Dean?" Dean mumbled and stirred, shooting up once he realized he was at his desk. He looked to his side and saw Cas next to him, hand resting on his shoulder. "Dean, are you okay? You were asleep."

"I was?" He looked at the time on his computer and rubbed at his eyes, making sure he saw clearly. It was 12:30. He had lost approximately forty-five minutes. "What the hell?" Dean dragged his hands down his face. "I must have slept worse than I thought."

Cas crossed over to his desk and sat down. "Did you need me to help you catch up?"

"No, I'm good." Dean looked at the list. "I was just doing the IL request. It's not that big of a list. Looks like Garth got yesterday's done."

"Well, if you change your mind, let me know. Jody asked me to answer a few emails in the library's inbox so people can start getting to know me." Cas met Dean's eyes. "You okay with me sticking around a while?"

"I think I could get used to the idea."

...

Over the next few weeks, Dean and Cas settled into a comfortable routine. They worked together, learned about each other, and quickly came to a place where they could comfortably call each other friends. After the first two weeks, they agreed to spend some time outside of work together. There was one problem, though.

Dean couldn't stay awake.

At first, he thought he was coming down with something. He made an appointment with his doctor, who found nothing wrong. The doctor suggested that Dean may be overworked and told him to take an extended weekend and de-stress.

When he returned after his four days off, the staff had been excited to see him, especially Cas, and Dean truly felt rejuvenated. He had been able to sleep in, he splurged on his favorite coffees, and Dean may or may not have spent more time playing video games and watching TV than he'd care to admit.

But only a day back, and Dean already felt like he was drowning. He had gone through four cups of coffee before lunch even hit, and he kept himself moving so he wouldn't fall asleep. On his lunch break, as much as he knew that he was probably going to regret it later, Dean went to go grab himself a fifth cup of coffee.

In the break room, he was disappointed to find the pot empty. However, Dean realized, with as much as he had been drinking, it was nothing to be surprised at. Dean reached up and grabbed the bag of coffee - something labeled Librarian's Delight - and started prepping the newest pot when something caught his eye.

Dean brought the bag close to his face and read the label. Under the fancy font stating that the name of the brew was Librarian's Delight, Dean read two words that terrified him.

Decaf. Coffee.

There was no way he was reading that correctly. Dean ran through the names of the coffee drinkers in the library and confirmed that none of them drank Decaf. He dropped the bag and ran to Jody's office. "JODES!" He slid into the doorway and hit the doorframe before entering her office. She looked up in confusion and surprise. "Jody!"

"Jesus, Dean. What's going on?" Jody stared, slack jaw in surprise.

"DECAF! I've been dying ‘cause that's decaf you've been serving us!" Dean pointed towards the break room. "I need caffeine to function!"

"I don't order the coffee, Dean. I thought you were getting it when you were putting in procurement requests?" Jody shrugged. "I've been drinking tea, so I haven't noticed."

"It's why I've needed a million and two cups, Jodes!" Dean paused. "Wait. If you haven't been getting coffee, how has it been staying stocked up? I haven't ordered any because we haven't run out."

"I can explain that." Cas' voice caused Dean to turn around. A pink blush featured on Cas' cheeks, and he was looking down at the ground. "I've been buying the coffee."

"You?" Dean tilted his head. "Dude, you know I need caffeination, and you bought decaf!?"

Cas looked up and frowned. "It said 'Librarian's Delight,' and I thought it was an apt title. And you really enjoyed the taste. So I kept buying it. I was trying to make things up to you."

"By making things worse?" Dean felt a lump building in his throat and tried to swallow it down. "I figured you were making the coffee every morning, but you were buying it too? Was it so I wouldn't know it was decaf?!"

"No!" Cas barely dodged out of Dean's way as he stormed past.

Dean made his way to his office and grabbed his bag before heading towards the exit. He stopped by Jody's office. "Now that I know what's wrong, I need to go remedy it. I'll be back."

...

Driving down the road, Dean blared the angriest music he had. He knew, honestly he knew, that Cas hadn't meant ill will. But Dean was angry. Unnecessary doctor's bills, using his vacation days? Hell, even being away from the Library had been shit. And it was all because Cas hadn't read the damn bag of coffee before reading it.

Dean found himself pulling into a spot at Charlie's cafe, without realizing it, and walked in.

"What are you doing here, Dean? Aren't you supposed to be working?" Charlie leaned forward on the counter.

"I need your strongest coffee, extra shot." Dean dropped a twenty on the counter and went to the seat in the back corner.

"Dean!" Charlie threw the twenty in the drawer and marked a piece of paper. "Dude, you can't just roll in here, act like a douche, and demand caffeine."

Dean shot her a glare. "Perhaps if I had been getting caffeine for the past, oh, I don't know, month? I wouldn't be a cranky asshole." He slouched in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest, knowing that he looked as much the petulant child that he felt. "The reason I've been so exhausted? I've been getting nothing but decaf at the library."

"Don't you order the coffee, Dean?" Charlie brought over the coffee and sat it in front of him. "That sounds like it would be on you."

"Cas bought a bag when we ran out. Then we never ran out. He's been buying the coffee for the past month." Dean held up a finger. "I didn't know it was him until he confessed today."

"So let me get this straight." Charlie glared daggers at Dean. "The guy you've kinda been dating for the past two weeks. The one you have been getting to know for the past month? He's been buying you coffee to make up for something that wasn't even his fault to begin with? And then you're upset because he bought - gods forbid - decaf."

"I..." Dean held up a finger. "Dammit, Charlie. Why you gotta be right?"

Charlie batted her eyelashes and smirked at Dean. "You love it when I'm right."

"This is the second time I've fucked up with him. The first by being angry at him over Cain, now this." Dean ran his hand down his face. "I need to make this up to him."

"Yep, especially this time." Charlie smacked Dean playfully upside the head before walking behind the counter. "I remember you saying that Cas likes tea, right?" She reached up on a shelf and pulled down a bag of grounds and a tin of tea. "This is for you, so you can have your caffeine fix until your next order comes in. The tin is for Cas, from you, saying you're sorry." She shook the tin. "Jasmine, Rose, and Lavender blend."

"That sounds like one hell of a combo." He took the tin and looked for the label. "What's the name of this blend if he wants more?"

Charlie shrugged. "Haven't thought of a name for it. If he wants more, he can come in and request it, or if he mentions that he likes it and you want to get him more, just tell me."

"Charlie..." Dean warned.

"Who just gave you those two items, and isn't putting them on your tab?" She tapped Dean's shoulder. "Come on, get back to work. Go tell your guy you're sorry."

"Not mine." Dean reminded Charlie.

"Not yet." Charlie looked at Dean, then pointed at the door. "Get going, or I'm texting Jody, letting her know you're going to work an extra hour today."

Dean glared but stood up and walked towards the door. "See if I come to the next LARP."

"You wouldn't miss it for the world, handmaiden." Charlie winked, leaning back against her counter as Dean walked out the door and back to his car.

…

Dean arrived back at the library and was relieved to see Cas' car in the parking lot. He slid out of the Impala and let himself into the building, only to be stopped by Jody.

"Surprised to see you came back." She leaned back in the doorframe, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm guessing you took a pitstop at Manna Brew?"

"Yep, and got logicked and reasoned with yet again by the Harpy of an owner." Dean rolled his eyes. "He in our office?"

Jody nodded. "I told him he could take a half-day, but he insisted on staying. I think he knew you'd come back." She pushed off the doorframe and pointed at Dean. He hung his head, preparing for another chastising. "I haven't seen you this happy since before Cain left." He shot his head up, staring at Jody in confusion. "I know you care about him, and I know he cares about you. But you gotta get over this." She gestured at him as a whole. "Go make things right."

"Weren't you telling me to not go after him?" Dean raised an eyebrow.

Jody nodded. "And that was before. He believes in you." She pointed towards their office. "Go prove he's got his faith in the right place."

"Will do, Jodes." He handed the bag of coffee grounds to Jody. "Put on a pot for me?" Dean started the short walk to his office.

"That's pushing your luck!" Jody called after him, and he couldn't help but chuckle as he turned down the hallway to his and Cas' office.

Dean stopped in front of the closed door and knocked twice. Cas swung the door open, surprise clearly written on his face when he saw Dean standing there. "You knocked? This is our office, Dean."

"Yeah, but you deserve more respect than I've shown you today." Dean rubbed the back of his neck. "Am I okay to come in?"

"Of course, Dean." Cas took a step to turn around and crossed back over to his desk. "I wanted to apologize again..."

"No, Cas." Dean shook his head. "You made an honest mistake, and you were being kind and generous, and I blew it out of proportion." Dean followed to Cas' desk and set the tin of tea in front of him. "I'm sorry."

"What's this?" Cas opened the tin and smiled at the loose tea mixture. He inhaled deeply, savoring the scent, and looked at Dean. "What is this? It smells amazing."

"Rose, Lavender, and Jasmine." Dean walked around to his side of the desk and sat down. "It's one of Charlie's blends."

A small grin appeared on Cas' face. "I think Charlie's trying to speak for you."

"I mean, the tea is from me to you, to ask for forgiveness." Dean leaned forward on his desk and rested his chin on his knuckles. "Is it working?"

"We just got a new book in," Cas responded. "The Complete Language of Flowers: A Definitive and Illustrated History" He closed the tin and leaned back in his chair. "REF 302.222."

"That will never cease to amaze me." Dean chuckled. "Why are you bringing this up?"

Cas crossed his legs up on his desk. "Of course, I forgive you, Dean. But there's more of a meaning in the tea than asking for forgiveness. I'm just giving you the means of figuring out that meaning."

"Right." Dean glared skeptically at Cas before pushing himself back up to his feet. He exited their office and beelined it to the 300 section of the library. It was quick work to find the book, considering Cas had given him the exact number he needed, and he pulled the book out before sitting at a nearby table. Dean grabbed a pencil and a piece of scrap paper, writing down the three flowers: Jasmine, Rose, Lavender.

Jasmine: Unconditional and eternal love, monetary wealth Lavender: Happiness, love, devotion, peace Rose: Love??

While Dean was unsure of the color of the roses Charlie used in her tea blend, he considered the fact that the word love was used in the meanings of the other two flowers. From there, it was pretty easy to determine what she was going for. Dean pinched the bridge of his nose before quietly laughing. Both Charlie and Cas surprised him at that moment, and he didn't know whether or not to hate Charlie or love her.

He closed the book and put it back after folding the piece of paper and putting it in his pocket. Dean headed back to his office but stopped when he saw Cas at the circulation desk. He watched Cas, reasonably sure he hadn't been spotted yet and leaned against the stack.

Dean realized over the past month, that he focused less on what he had with Cain, and more on what was blossoming between himself and Cas. And Dean wanted more with Cas. So much more.

After the circulation desk cleared out, Cas looked up and found Dean, his smile broadening across his face. Dean returned the smile and nodded, hoping Cas knew what he meant. When Cas looked down, suddenly shy and blushing, Dean knew what he had to do. He turned around and went back to the book, pulling it out to do his own research.

…

Later that evening, Dean arrived at Cas' apartment. He knocked on the door, just as he had done earlier at the library, but he was ten times more nervous. Dean held a surprise behind his back and laughed when he heard Cas' exclamation when he saw who was outside. "Dean? I wasn't expecting you tonight."

"Am I intruding? Is it not a good time?" Dean frowned. That was one of the things he had been nervous about.

"No, uh, I'm just skyping with my brother." He stepped back and gestured for Dean to enter.

Dean walked in, being oh-so-obvious that he had something hidden behind his back. "I don't want to interrupt."

"Then come say hello." Cas led Dean to the dining room, where his laptop was set up. "Gabe, this is my... coworker-slash-maybe-something-more?" Cas looked at Dean with a small uptick in the corner of his mouth. "Dean, this is Gabe, my brother."

"Nice to meet you, Dean. Be good to my brother, you maybe-something-more, or I'll grab the first flight out and bust out your kneecaps." He looked at Cas. "I'll let you two crazy kids be. Same time next week?"

Cas nodded. "Night, Gabe." He closed the laptop and looked at Dean. "So, to what do I owe this honor?"

"Well, we started a conversation in our office earlier, but we didn't really get to finish it." Dean pulled a bouquet out from behind his back. "This one is all me, Cas."

"Aster: patience and love. Heather: admiration and wanting a wish to come true. Daffodil, for new beginnings." Cas smiled and gently ran his finger along the trumpet of the Daffodil. "Yes, Dean. I'll make your dreams come true." Cas ran his hand behind Dean's neck and pulled him in for the first of many soft, sweet kisses

#profoundnet #spncreatorsdaily #writersofdestiel #spn petra #destiel #deancas #spn fanfic #au - modern #librarians cas and dean #rating: t #polyam positivity #v polycule #nickel writes

48 notes · View notes