#cathartic blog

[takofoodtruck]

I dont think anyone reads these personal blog posts, which is fine. Still, I find it's quite cathartic to get them out into the aether.

TW: general childhood trauma

I had no privacy at home, my father was a classic narcissistic conservative christian. He was emotionally and physically abusive in the name of "good discipline." Nothing could really be hidden unless I took it to school with me. Which just increased the risk. I couldn't have a diary or journal because it would be read, and I'd get in trouble over it. I wound up completely unable to work through the feelings I had. And unable to explore them except outside home.

(Part of this feeling still carries on to today. I still hide my hairbands, leggings, and anything too femme when I have anyone visit. Unless I trust that person)

In middle school, I was sent to a therapist because A: it was suggested by my school, B: it was free, C: My mom offered to take me.

My school suggested that I see a therapist because I was doing both well and poorly in school. I could get all As on exams, but my homework scores dragged me down. I didn't like doing homework. But that was only part of the equation. They had me take multiple tests, IQ, attention tests, listening, comprehension. Etc.

During the therapy sessions, I was afraid that anything I said would be given back to my father in some kind of report or recording, so I stayed limited in what I discussed. If I could go back, there's a long list of things I would talk about.

The therapist did a good job and recognized something was different. That there were things I kept bottled and wouldn't discuss.

As was typical for the 90s/early 00s, I was bullied relentlessly. Since most of my friends were girls, boys would say I was gay. I would deny it because it wasn't quite true, and it could also put you in a situation to be abused or worse. Another school in my district had a gay student get beaten up and abused so severely that they buried it under the rug and did a bare minimum anti-bullying campaign.

My mom asked the therapist to talk to me about it, just because I wouldn't talk about it at home.

Well, there had been a boy I'd had some interaction with. After several conversations, something like the following occurred.

Therapist: "so, if you've been spending time with this person, are you interested in them? Would you say you're gay?"

Me: (hesitant) "no, i- I dont think of myself as gay."

T: "is that because they dont identify as a boy?..

Me: -no. He's a boy.. I just..

T: "okay (long pause) Do you consider yourself to be a boy?

Me: (no answer due to internal conflict, silently crying while laying on a couch)

It was the closest I'd gotten to ever discussing feeling like I am a woman with anyone other than someone I'd been with romantically.

The worst part of this, it turns out the person i'd been involved with was the one starting the rumors that I was gay. Like, as if he wasn't the one having sex with me.

That became a pattern, people I'd confide in going on to out me to others, resulting in me retreating deeper into repressing who I am.

I'm still here, only now I'm hiding less and less.

[lazyevaluationranch]

17-03-2024 Vulture.

The turkey vultures spend the winter in Venezuela, fly North along the mainland, and circle in groups above the shoreline. In the air they mostly lock their wings open and glide, not flap. So where the land ends they must circle at the water's edge and wait for the wind to be right to glide across to the islands in a group.

For months there have been no vultures, and then suddenly yesterday the wind opened their way home and the island's whole population is here, all at once. It's like someone found a giant knife switch labeled "Vultures" in a cave and shoved it to "on" with a satisfying "KA-VULTURE" sound.

The house is perched atop a stony ridge. The sun falls on the bare dark glacier-scraped slope behind the house and warms the stone, and from the warm stone a column of warm air rises. The vultures enter this invisible pillar of air and circle around its edges, upwards, upwards, around and above the house on ink-dark wings that glow where the sunlight comes through the edges of the feathers.

Sometimes they leave this air-column and glide over to the next stone ridge, the next invisible column of air, and the next beyond it, the next beyond that. Watching the vultures trace out the locations of the pillars, you get a sense of a whole vast structure of warmth and wind, like some grand invisible temple rising hundreds of meters into the bright brazen sky.

It's always here, I think, the huge columns, the invisible temple the glaciers built, made of air and light. But I can only see its structure when the vultures trace it out for me, like architectural drawings. Glad someone found the KA-VULTURE switch this year.

[leverage-ot3]

not going to give the blog any attention or time of day but this is your reminder that the leverage crew would never be zionists or support israel whatsoever

I wasn't going to engage with it because I value my mental health but yeah. absolutely fucking NOT

y'all really think that this group of people that actively go out of their way to go against the rich and powerful, who make it their goal to help people that are oppressed, devalued by society and taken advantage by those more powerful would at all EVER align themselves with israel? bffrrn

I'm going to go off for a few paragraphs about why this is such a horrendously ridiculous and delusional idea, but I'm not going to clog up your dash so it's going under the cut. I want to respect people who already participate in activism and need fandom space for lighter things

tw for discussion of the atrocities and war crimes happening in palestine

over 25 THOUSAND innocent people have died as a result of israeli terror the last few months alone. over 10 thousand children. entire family lines have been erased from the world forever- grandparents, parents, children, grandchildren all martyred, often together as they are sheltering from bombs and bullets until they are murdered by soldiers that laugh as they shoot and detonate bombs.

you really think that eliot 'I adopt every child I see' spencer would support a regime that let a child stay trapped in a car where her family members were martyred, not let paramedics in for days and then when they finally let the paramedics approach they kill both her AND the EMS? you think he would stand with the government that arrests children as young as 6 years old for *checks hand* being terrorists (because what fucking 6 year old is a terrorist let alone any kind of national threat. they're fucking SIX). that snipes children for throwing rocks at tanks and their apartheid walls

he and all of them would weep at the picture released the other day of the little girl handing from rubble with her legs blown off.

all of them would be horrified of the bombardment that has murdered tens of thousands of innocent civilians, women, children, men, elderly alike with no fucking care. that shoots people with their hands up waving white flags. that bulldozes graveyards and digs up bodies and probably steals organs from they dying and deceased. that bombs hospitals, governmental and archival buildings, mosques, churches, holy sites, schools and universities. whose soldiers have a trend where they go through women's underwear drawers and make lewd comments about their lingerie and how kinky they must be. who make tiktoks of them playing in decimated playgrounds and signing their children's names on bombs. who force parents to collect pieces of their children in plastic bags because they have been blown apart by relentless bombing. who shoot a grandmother holding a child's hand. who murdered a woman that dared say that she was older than the 'state' of israel.

the fact that you're posting this as israel relentlessly bombs rafa, the place they were told would be the only safe place to be, where 1.6 million people are living in tents living off animal feed because no sufficient humanitarian aid (if any) has been let through

these people that advocate for comeuppance and exposing wrongs would not support a regime that actively targets and murders journalists and their entire families.

you really think any of them would actively support a genocidal sociopathic government? fucking delusional

to a certain extent, I know that people want to keep fandom and advocacy spaces separate and I acknowledge and relate to that- when we are logged on every moment of the day we sometimes need to take breaks and engage with something else for our mental health. I need that too. and there is a very thin line when you try to apply fandom to current events because in all honesty, making headcanons about how your faves would react to X horrendous event can come off as extremely tone-deaf. I get you love your blorbos (I do too!), but actual people are suffering and it can come off as disingenuous to a lot of folks when you try to talk about your characters instead of the very real harm that is going on. HOWEVER, the other account posted in the leverage tag that the crew would be zionists and started that discourse and since it was already out there in our space I wanted to make sure that people know that this blog does not support that whatsoever.

and before this gets misconstrued: antizionism is not antisemitism. I have a lot of love for my jewish friends and followers, but saying that we can't be critical of war crimes and incessant aggression because it is a jewish state is fucking ridiculous. we should be able to hold any and all governments accountable when they do bad things (this absolutely also means I think we should hold the US accountable for enabling them and I live here. every country that is complicit needs to face consequences). saying that israel is exempt from criticism because jewish people deserve a right to a homeland isn't a great take. I completely understand fear of antisemitism and discrimination, but at some point we have to think critically and acknowledge that people are dying by the thousands and standing up for that and calling out atrocities takes precedence. jewish voices for peace has some really good content about this topic

anyways there's a random blog out there posting about how your faves are zionists splattering their rancid sponge and I want to make sure my stance on this subject is very clear: fuck israel, free palestine, and no one is free until everyone is free

[trans-queen-administrator]

One year ago, give it take a few days, I started reading Worm. I finished it in a week. I don't think I'll ever read a story that affects me as much as Taylor's did, and since it's the anniversary of me reading Worm I think I might as well get sappy and emotional and write out how much Worm impacted me.

Tw: talking about suicide

I was in a terrible spot before Worm. Behind in every single class, failing to eat or drink or even just get out of bed for entire days, ghosting all of my friends and family just because I couldn't work up the will to talk, I just rotted in my dorm all day and let the tasks pile up higher and higher because I didn't know how to dig myself up, so I just gave up. I found Worm from some stupid meme that I saw while scrolling through social media for 13 hours a day in an attempt to drown out thoughts, and for reasons I still don't know I started to read it instead of returning to my blank inertia. I hadn't had the mental willpower to read or even feel anything in months, and it was completely out of character to immediately read it instead of just saying I'd do it later.

My sleep schedule was already fucked, once I got started it wasn't really a shock that I stayed up until like 5 am.

The week went by, I got to Leviathan, the Nine, Echidna, countless incredible interludes, and somewhere early on I think Worm became some sort of last hurrah. I'm not totally sure if I would have done it, but I had rough plans for methods of killing myself. Worm is a long work, impressively so, I was telling myself I'd finish it so I had something to be at least somewhat proud of before I went. It was a means of procrastination for the end since I didn't want to leave it unfinished, and also a road to it since once I was done reading then it would be time.

I became completely closed off from the world, even more than I had been previously. I dropped any pretenses of passing or attending class, what would the point be when I wouldn't be around for the grade? My meals became even less frequent, and when I had them it was always accompanied by reading. My sleep time was cut in half, I was waking up earlier and going to bed later all to read Worm. It was a week long fugue where I ceased to exist except for my ability to read the text. Once I was done reading, that would be it for me, and since I had closed myself off from pretty much everything there were no outside sources to convince me to change my mind. Just Worm. And it managed to do it.

Something about Taylor's absolutely insane amount of willpower just hit me hard. I remember when I read Speck and was reduced to a sobbing wreck for a day that was one of my strongest thoughts about her. She just tried so hard for everything, and absolutely never gave up as long as there was some way she could try to do something. I never learned how to put all my effort into stuff, but Taylor was inspiring enough that I wanted to at least try to learn how to try. It sounds cringey to write down, but if she could try so hard that she united all of humanity to kill an omnicidal god, then I could at the very least try to eat lunch.

Speaking of lunch, I read 90% of Speck in the corner of my college dining hall. It was like 4:00 and I was the only one there somehow, which is great because I was breaking down the entire time as I read Taylor fall apart. I don't think I'll ever read anything that hurt as much as Speck.

Another part of Taylor that was just as crucial to making me want to live was showing how much her self destructiveness hurt others. How could I justify killing myself when I just read how much it fucking tore at Taylor's friends when she became Khepri? When Lisa scrambled to just barely save Taylor from a suicide attempt in the first chapter of Gold Morning? Even when she just left them behind, Rachel's anguish was palpable, so who was I to ghost my friends because I was too scared to text anyone? I always knew on a logical level people would be sad if I died, but seeing such solid depictions of hurt from similar situations just... I dunno, I couldn't justify it when it was so much clearer to me how much it would hurt people I love.

I took a day to emotionally recover from the mental rewiring that comes from finishing Worm, and then I called my parents and told them how poorly I had been doing. I hadn't done it before because I didn't want to be a burden. They were happy to help. I dropped all my classes and went home. Worm stayed with me, it gave me some sort of substance to my life, something to latch on to. Making ideas for fanfics that I'd never write, talking with friends I'd made through Worm, rereading Speck if I needed a good cry, all of it kept me going and made my life feel less flat. Like five months later I started posting to this account and that was another outlet. It was just fun to analyze the text and make up theories about this work that did so much for me, and when I finally started posting them online that was good fun too. Thank y'all for reading my dinky little rambles, somehow I've cracked 400 followers on what was originally just a place for me to write down my thoughts during lunch hour at a mental hospital. Whenever I get a detailed comment in the notes, or I see someone like/reblog 20 of my posts in a row as they scroll through, or I see the names of people I always see in my notifications it just makes my day. Y'all are lovely.

And well, now it's been a year. Worm was supposed to be the final story I read, a countdown to the end in 1.7 million words, but it managed to convince me to keep going. I didn't think I'd make it to the next year or even the next month, but it's November again and I'm still here. I'm not doing great, but I'm here and I have Worm to thank for that.

[omegalomania]

whenever ive had a rough coupla days ybc joe comes to me. speaking words of wisdom. shit man. the torment is relentless and the horrors never cease. what the fuck.

[aesthetic-otd]

Today's aesthetic is rotcore

[silverskye13]

Do you ever delete anything in your delete later tag or is it all a joke?

Yes. Frequently. Normally it's just with my art reblogs, but I will comb through and delete the majority of the tag sometimes.

Gonna be real honest, the Delete Later tag is there for my mental health. I go through periods of? Reckless depression? Impulsive bad vibes? Compelled destruction? [Vague hand wave]. Anyway, I've been known to scroll through my blog with the urge to delete everything. My original coping mechanism was tearing paper, but it doesn't scratch the itch the same way a delete button could. So I made a safe space to delete things.

Sometimes I decide later that I wanted to keep the delete later item(s), but 9 times out of 10 I follow through and purge them.

[unforgivablyshy]

Every so often I’ll wander my school’s library and pick up something interesting. Today I picked up “What Happened to You? Writing by Disabled Women” and I definitely plan on finishing this. It’s an anthology of writing by and for disabled women, and so far it’s made me very emotional.

I’ll save my proper review for once I’ve finished, but so far I would recommend this to anyone who wants to further their understanding of disabled people and our personal lives.

[dreamlogic]

[takofoodtruck]

Recently. I came out to my brothers, my mom, and my partner's parents. Their parents were accepting, though there's some hesitation there. I can accept that, they're old fashioned and have appearances to keep up. That's their scene and I don't want to be the one to mess it up.

My older brother might be a little uncomfortable with it, but is accepting. He has the closest relationship to our father, as my other brother and I have cut off our father completely. He has some internalized homophobia that he's working on. He's getting used to the idea. It'll get easier when I'm further into being transitioned.

My younger brother was on board immediately. Him and his fiancée asked what my name is/will be. What pronouns I want right now (any is fine. I'll probably stealth/boymode the first 6 months to a year.) He called me a "great older sibling" which darn near made me cry. And we have carried on like usual.

My Mom was accepting immediately as well. She's known I'm different my whole life. She knew "something changed in indiana" but wasn't sure what. It was puberty. And being forced deeper into a church system by my father. A church that I never felt a part of. That I walked through the motions. That hated me, but didn't know it was speaking to me.

She said, "I hope the happy you comes back. You used to be so darn happy. I miss that."

And she's right. I feel happier when I work towards being Megan on the outside. Ive told a few coworkers, and in then next year or two i'll hopefully be Me full time.

[bandit-o-s-usb]

reblog to call a trans woman who wants to be told she's a "good boy!" a good boy

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

i feel like i should start making more of an effort, when i talk about something in a piece of media being Upsetting to me, to distinguish between 'cathartic' upsetting and 'gave me psychic damage' upsetting. sometimes i mean OUGH OW MY FEELINGS THIS FUCKS ME UP IN A MEANINGFUL AND RESONANT WAY, MY LIFE IS ENRICHED FOR BECOMING AWARE OF IT and sometimes i mean that it is genuinely distressing and i want to shake the creators and ask what the fuck they were thinking

[gaster-fanon-experiment]

I think this whole. running a fanblog thing.

[vse-kar-vem]

how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)

[northern-passage]

everytime youre on my tl, you’re seemingly fighting for your life or ranting

so just wanted to say hoping you take care cause great heavens

i don't really know what to say to this but yeah i am aware of the state of this blog - unfortunately it's all but devolved into a space where im just dealing with constant harassment so it's not very elegant or fun at the moment. i do my best to ignore it and i feel embarrassed every time i have to respond to stuff on here like that but it's about the only interaction i get currently and it's just frustrating and exhausting. despite how it may seem i actually try to avoid directly talking about it or publishing certain asks because again it's extremely embarrassing and this is a game dev blog where i would love to just talk about my game, but i know i struggle with handling it and it can be obvious if/when i'm having a difficult time and i'm overwhelmed. as much as i try to keep this blog more "professional" i know my frustration and anger is still very apparent in some of my posts; sometimes i feel like i want to be transparent about it and that's usually when i do make those posts addressing certain things wanting to bring attention to it and the community. but i also know that it can be just as frustrating seeing it second hand through my blog, especially when you are just here for game content, and i don't blame people for being annoyed about it.

i do think some of the discussions i've had on this blog previously have been interesting and really positive, so i don't necessarily regret it completely. this isn't a personal blog, but neither is it "professional" by any means (it's tumblr lmfao) and i'm not trying to be - i like having it as a way to be more personable and have nice interactions with readers and other authors, it's been invaluable irt receiving good feedback, but i also like having good faith discussions with the community and talking about various things that are important to me. so... i don't know what i'm trying to say here; basically, i am aware of how i come across, and it is something i know i need to be better about, especially on a blog that is meant to be focused on my work. but i also don't feel the need to completely compromise myself or my opinions for this community's approval, either - and to be clear, i'm under no delusion that i am better than anyone else for this; this is just how i've personally chosen to curate my space, for better or worse.

i do appreciate the nice messages i have received recently, i don't publish a lot of those either simply because it makes me feel uncomfortable to respond to them publicly... but i am grateful for them. with an update coming very soon i am hopeful that this blog will see more positive interaction and i'm excited to share it with all of you again. thank you for all the kind words, thank you for supporting me even through these rough patches, and i really do mean it when i say i appreciate it all very much.

[transingthoseformers]

Cybertronians showing affection via resting their helms and faceplaces together ❤❤❤

Can we humans make this more of a thing irl please?