#chaser john doe

[nucleartv]

the chaser

[the-californicationist]

Hello🐻❤

Military!Biker!Price ?

I mean... Repaired a motorcycle, ride a biker

I love you Cali ❤🫂

I love you too @leixy and I’m so sorry for the wait!! Hope you enjoy the story 🩷🩷

MDNI

Storm Chaser

The rumble that you heard just outside of your garage may have been mistaken for thunder. The skies were gray, and as they rolled across the firmament, you knew they’d linger, soaking the ground and making the soil black with its fallen waters. But, this wasn’t a thundercall. This was a Triumph. 

A giant, hulking man, laden with muscle and black leather gear, rolled into your mechanic shop’s driveway on a blacked out, stealthy Triumph Storm GT. Its rider’s face was covered in a full helmet, and as he slowed to a stop, his heavy boot dug into the shale, catching the center of the bike and sitting up straight, killing the enormous engine.

He looked at you. You knew he was looking at you because there was no one else to look at. You saw yourself in the black mirror of his visor, and all around you were the empty fields surrounding your shop, the tall grass roiling in the wind. 

The gloves came off first, and you indulged in his hands. They seemed monstrous; a thin dusting of dark hair covered his skin, and each finger looked like it might have been wider than two of your own. His nails were clean, which surprised you for some reason, and there was a nasty scar along his right palm. 

He fiddled with his helmet, unlatching the buckle, and then yanked it over his head. 

Shit. You cursed inside of your mind. He’s hot as hell.

You’d been drooling over the bike, but the man sweetened the deal. He was ruggedly handsome, and his movements were so easy. It was like being in the presence of a magician, as if he knew all the secrets and delighted in hiding them from you. He was so certain, so sure of his tricks, and you waited on him to break the spell he’d put on you. 

“Alright, love? How’s it goin’?”

He held out his hand for you to shake, and it warmed you like a fire. His grip was firm but careful, and he let you go without a shake. You smiled,

“All good. Slow day,” you pointed upwards, “No one but you out in this weather.”

He chuckled, and you fell for him even harder. His mirth was contagious. He looked up at the darkening sky and told you,

“Aye, it was pourin’ cats and dogs a few minutes ago. Chasin’ me here, I’ll wager. Thought I’d wait it out here. Maybe get the service I’m due for.”

“This bike’s brand new,” you scoffed, “How did you put ten thousand miles on it already?”

He gave you a half-grin and admitted with a shrug,

“I like to get away.” 

You nodded, and he dismounted, unzipping his jacket for comfort. You gave the bike a once-over, checking for any signs of trouble. As new as it was, you’d already been trained on it, so you felt confident you could help him. You mentioned your plan,

“Oil, brake pads, filters. Check your sensors. My Triumph cert is up to date, so we’ll just clean her up by the book. How does that sound, mister…?”

“Price. John Price. Sounds class, love.”

“Waiting room just in there, John,” you pointed over to the tiny little sitting room you’d added to the garage, “Got a library and some coffee. Should be fresh. Just made a new pot a few minutes ago.”

“Cheers,” he smiled, and it was the most handsome one you’d seen in a while. His full lips stretched into his cheeks, and his tanned skin crinkled up to his eyes. 

The eyes themselves were a problem. They were a hue of blue you’d never seen, and they pinned you down like a wild animal, a hunter and his prey. But, all of that ferality was tied taut, held by a rope in his clenched fist, and his gnashing hungry teeth were kept from biting you, controlled by his tight-laced civility. All of that chivalry made you wonder what he was like when he was allowed a little freedom. 

As he walked away from you, you ogled him. You weren’t even ashamed to do it. He was everything you wanted in a man. Him and his bike oozed a primal sort of power that you’d been craving, and you wanted a taste of that freedom. 

His bike was his escape, that was for sure. Ten thousand mile service after only a few months of ownership was impressive. This man liked to ride long and often. There was plenty of evidence of wear and tear, but as rough as he had been with his ride, there was evidence of his love as well. The clean body, the mended tailpipe, evidence of a scuff polished away; it was all proof of his affection.

The service was easy and quick. As you were checking his sensors and finishing up the job, the first pitter patter of rain began to fall into the gravel drive. In the beginning, it was soft and sweet, just a few drops here and there. Then, over the short span of mere moments, it came down in a torrential pour, slamming itself into the ground and pummeling the pavement. 

You watched it slip and slide off of your metal roof in sheets, and you got close enough to the edge so that you could feel the cool spray from the downpour, a few droplets spitting onto your nose and cheeks. A bright blue bolt of lightning streaked across the cloudy pall, followed by a deafening roar of thunder that resonated in the hollow of your chest. 

Cleaning the oil from your hands as best you could, you went to deliver the bill to your customer. To your sick delight, he’d be trapped with you at least until the storm passed, and you crossed your fingers that he could do with a bit of company. 

He was sitting on the wide couch in the waiting room, his hands prying open a book. When you looked at the spine, you noticed that he was deep into the first few chapters of Moby Dick.

“Having fun yet, John?”

“Enjoying the rain on this tin roof of yours. Makes me want to kip down here on your sofa. Love to fall asleep listenin’ to the storm.”

“Me, too,” you admit, nodding towards the book, “Has he caught the whale yet?”

John shook his head,

“No, we barely got out of the harbor. You work fast. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me though, love. I don’t fancy a ride out in this mess.”

“No problem. Take all the time you need.”

“D’ya mind?” He dug around in his jacket and pulled out a short, fat cigar. 

You waved him on, motioning that it was alright with you, and he happily lit his stick, working an ambery, glowing tip until fiery smoke spilled from the end. You were about to turn and hide somewhere else, anywhere that you wouldn’t need to smell his burnt, woodsy scent. It was making you hungry for a puff of his cigar and a long lick of the inside of his mouth. 

A little self-control please… You begged yourself. 

He caught you as you started to leave, and the feeling of his hand on his surprised you with its warm sincerity. You looked down at him, but you didn’t pull away. 

“Stay… for a bit. I was just gettin’ to the good part,” he said with a sly smile, holding up the book as if to offer it to you. 

“Alright,” you replied, your voice sounding too small and too quiet in the small space. 

You sat next to him, worrying over your oil-stained nails as he read aloud to you, pausing every now and then to smoke his cigar or to turn his pages. Slowly, you started to relax, and as you leaned back into the couch, the sound of his voice and the drumming of the rain blended together into a soporific haze. You caught yourself looking at him — staring at him — with hooded eyes, studying the way his lips and tongue and teeth formed his words. The dark bristles of his beard giving you a clear view of every micro-movement of his face. 

He was looking at you, now, too. Staring at you. Every now and then, he’d glance back at the book, read a few lines, and then take a long pause to smoke and to meet your gaze. 

Suddenly, he seemed to make a conscious choice. He sat forward, and his huge shoulders cast a shadow over you. He held out his cigar and asked, 

“Fancy a smoke?”

You didn’t reply, but you took it from him ever so slowly, as if he might bite, and put the end in your mouth. You sucked in the smoke to taste the rich tobacco, and you let it roll around in your mouth before releasing it, letting it hit him in the chest and neck, billowing around his stoney jawline. 

Then, he said something to you in a new voice. It was one you knew, but you hadn’t heard it in a very long time. It was desire,

“Pretty little thing, aren’t you, love?”

You let his compliment wash over you like the downpour outside. It soaked through, right to your bones. You took another drag from the cigar, earning yourself a deeper chuckle and a pleased, approving grin.

“You should see me when I’m out of these coveralls,” you quipped, certain that your smudged cheeks were now a rosy shade of crimson. 

He took the cigar back from you and put the book down, leaning closer to you, positioning his knee between yours, forcing you to spread your legs. He smoked, filling the space between you, taking another drag for himself, breathing in and breathing out, trying to test the waters,

“Care to show me now?”

You met his smoldering gaze. The tip of his cigar had nothing on the glow from behind his eyes. He was poised and ready to pounce, a lion on a lamb. 

You didn’t answer him. You simply watched as he unzipped your work coveralls and let the sleeves slink down your arms. You pulled them free, revealing what was underneath. You were braless, letting your heavy tits lay unbound in the soft fabric of your ribbed tank, preferring comfort over fashion. 

His hand came up to cup your cheek, rubbing some of the smudged oil with his thumb. He leaned forward even further, breathing heavily with you, panting like he had run for miles, all for the sole purpose of brushing your sensitive bottom lip with his own, teasing you with your own taste, hungry for your body and ready to consume you in every way he knew how. 

He began to kiss you slowly, languidly, as if you were both trapped in some world of slow motion where time need not exist. You need not be bothered with the past or the future. The present was enough, and it stretched between you forever. Each kiss deeper than the last, each touch more sensual, making your breath catch in your chest. 

John pulled away from you, slowly untangling himself, looking at you as if he had been keeping some smoldering question inside of his chest. He moved so slowly, telegraphing his motions so you would know his intent. Rapt, you watched his hand drop to the hem of your tank, his thick fingers dancing along the seam, carefully pulling it away so that his warm hand could slide underneath. 

Your whole body shuddered as his palm spread across your soft belly. His callused hands were rough against your skin, and the way he grabbed at you, greedy yet slow and savoring, made you feel like he had hypnotized you. You were frozen in place, submitting to his desire. 

He looked up into your eyes, checking with you to see if you would allow him to venture further and then moving further anyway, unable to quell his lurid hunger. His fingers found the swell of your breast, the heavy flesh hanging like ripe, sweet fruit, ready to be tasted. A thumb slipped across your nipple, encouraging it to tighten into a little peak, just plump enough to fit into his wet mouth. 

Without lifting your shirt off of you, he bent his head and suckled on your taut nipple through its fabric. He wet the cloth and your skin, and when he pulled his mouth away, the dampness lingered, teasing you with the memory and lingering on you, chilling your flesh. Another swipe of his thumb and you heard yourself let out quiet little mewls, whining and needy. His immediate, chuffed grin made you blush with shame. 

So, you took your revenge. You reached your hand across the supple leather of his riding pants and found the tip of his fat cock hanging trapped and turgid halfway down his muscular thigh. You used your finger to draw tiny circles around his head, knowing he could feel it. To your satisfaction, his eyes fluttered closed, lost in the sensation. 

Then, his hands plundered under your top, scrunching the fabric up to your collar, revealing your skin to him. As you messaged his heavy cock, you watched him sigh as he admired your curves, drinking you in like a desert palm, his hard root stretching towards its oasis. 

“Take me out, love. Please,” he begged you softly, kissing you between his gentle whispering words, and you knew what he wanted. 

You yanked at his button to pop it off, and you pinched at the zipper, listening to the metallic whir of its teeth as you freed him. 

He wasn’t wearing anything under his leathers, which drove you wild. He must have been so sensitive during his ride, feeling every bit of the garment’s texture and folds as he straddled his machine. 

You reached for him and he let out a dark groan. His voice became threatening all at once, and he grabbed at you with all of his might, drawing your attention with his words,

“Both hands… ungh, ahh, please. Please touch me with both of your hands, love.”

There was plenty of his length for you to comply, and even with both of your hands, his swollen, rigid girth was still a challenge to manage. You focused on his head, watching as his whole body responded to your touch.

John pulled you in for another kiss, forcing his tongue down your throat, filling your mouth with his heat, crushing you to his chest, abandoning all of his earlier tenderness in favor of lustful fury. 

As he ravaged your mouth, you felt his cock slipping through your hands on its own and you realized that he was using his hips to thrust himself through your grip. You tried to help him, matching his pace, but that only spurred on his carnal want. 

He was moaning into your mouth, and you could feel the hum of his joy against your lips. With each shameless thrust, he cried for you in that dark brimstone timbre, aching and full of longing. 

“John…” you whispered, breaking away to catch your breath, saying his name like a prayer. 

Adding to the drama, a long peal of thunder shattered the sky, killing the lights in your shop. But, you were both so worked up by one another, the shock of a blown fuse paled in comparison, and your eyes stayed locked on each other’s, bound together, unable to look away. Unwilling. 

But, he paused, staring at you, wanting something from you, something more. 

You gasped when he lifted you, rumpled clothes and all, right off the couch. He shouldered the door to the tiny room and walked quickly to his bike sitting you sideways on the seat. You braced yourself with one hand on the tank and one on the tail, waiting for his next whim. 

He was working on your clothes, peeling off your coveralls and shucking off your layers until he found your panties. When he saw the fabric, he paused. You fretted for a moment until you felt the cool, stormy wind blow across the damp gusset. Then, you knew what he was looking at. You were soaking through your panties, and there he was, transfixed on the darkening stain. 

“Wanna taste you, love. Want you in my mouth…” 

John fell to his knees in a flash, his cock still free and flagging up and down, wet with his precome. You squirmed a bit, unsure of your scent and your sweat from your earlier work. 

Those gentle eyes had been replaced with a sinister warning. He pinned you with them as if to say, move away and I’ll bloody drag you back. 

He didn’t bother to kiss the softness of your belly nor your thighs. He wanted one thing, but you didn’t expect him to take you quite like this. He didn’t peel down your panties, instead eating you right through the thin cotton, sucking on the wet cloth and making lewd squelching noises, lapping his tongue over your soaking lips and sucking at your flavor with his eager lips.

“Oh, shit…” You lamented, feeling your body go slack, submitting to him and his power. 

“Fuck…” He said between bites of his meal, “You’re so sweet… Let me… ungh, fuckin’ hell…”

He used his thumb to tug the fabric aside, revealing your gleaming pink flesh. And when he tasted you, skin on skin, John became obsessed. He was pushing his strong jaw so hard into you, working you with his mouth, making you rake your fingers through his hair just to hold onto something, you were afraid the bike might tip. 

In one ruthless motion, he tore your panties from you, ripping the sides and tucking the ruined fabric into his fist. Then, he put that same hand on his cock and began to jerk himself off, rubbing your wet cloth all over his cockhead. 

With his free hand, he grabbed the handlebar of the bike, pulling it down towards him, preventing it from falling, now able to eat you with as much reckless abandon as he liked. 

His mouth moved in long, deep thrusts, fucking you with his scruffy face, suckling at the hardening body of your clit. His tongue pressed into your swollen lips, moving between them with forceful need. As he licked you, he moved lower and lower towards your wet hole, hoping to thrust his writhing muscle inside of you, wanting nothing more than to lick you dry. 

Finally, he reached it, and the tip of his tongue slipped into your pussy, pressing through your slit and fucking you like his cock wanted to. You heard him elicit a gravelly, smoldering whine when he tasted your smooth center, and you watched as his eyes rolled back in his head, his brow furrowing in disbelief. 

Meanwhile, the rain pounded in the open garage doorway, swirling and spitting under its ebon shroud. John cared very little about it, nor did he care that you and he were nearly naked, in full view of the street. The idea that anyone could drive up and see you there, caught in his jaws, made you lose control. 

You tried to hold your voice down, but once he felt you start to come, he did everything he could to set you ablaze. His hand abandoned the handlebar, preferring instead to sink two of his large fingers inside of you, working with his tongue to stretch you open, giving him more of your ripeness to devour. 

You keened like you were on fire, and maybe you were. You thought, as the flames licked up your legs and down your arms, that maybe you would burn right up. Maybe you were a flare, ready to sear a bright scorching light through his mouth, burning his throat like whiskey, brutal and cruel. 

Your whole body had given in to the feeling as if you were an orchestra at the mercy of its conductor. If he wanted your kindling to catch, it would, and you would burn for him. You were his opus, trapped in a perpetual crescendo of his lust, an expression of his own fiery fate. 

His mouth only left your body to cry out in his own right, growling out a breathless groan as he spilled his come into your panties, smearing his cock through his own emission and mixing it with yours. 

Unable to maintain your balance, and unwilling to jeopardize his bike, you sank to the floor with him, feeling the cold concrete on your shins. John tugged you into his lap, panting into your neck, smelling strongly of your scent, his face and beard shining with it. 

You breathed together, fondling what you could reach, cradling each other as if you’d found one another again after years apart. Penelope clutching at her Odysseus, recognizing him through a sea of lesser men. 

“You alright, love?” John asked, still catching his breath, petting your cheek absentmindedly. 

You nodded, affirming your well-being,

“Mmhm. You?”

“Aye,” he smiled, laughing quietly to himself, “But, now you’ve gone and done it.”

“What?” You smiled, enjoying his joy. 

“Didn’t think runnin’ from the rain would be such a fuckin’ good time. Now, when it rains, I’ll be craving you.”

You smiled at him, letting him kiss your neck and cheek, planting his affection like little promises, deep under your skin. 

“You’re always welcome back, rain or shine.”

“How about tonight at six; dinner at my flat?” He looked up at you, hopeful. 

“As long as I get to ride this bike, it’s a date,” you teased. 

He raised his eyebrows at your challenge, and then he gave you a lascivious grin,

“Don’t worry, love. I’ve got just the ride in mind.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reblogs and comments are much appreciated!

AO3 Link

[going-to-ikea-for-the-fries]

Temporary Fix. || cheater!Johnny

Rating: E + TABOO Words: 5K with the bonus (this one got away from me, I'm sorry) CW: cheating (on Johnny's part, Reader doesn't know), smut smut smut, a bit of BAD dirty talking, oral sex (m!receiving), protected piv sex, breath play (if you squint), praise kink (lots of 'that's it' + 1 'good girl'). Tags: afab!reader, fat/chubby!reader, you/your pronouns, one-night stand but more like one-week stand. Summary: Johnny's a dog who cheats on his girlfriend, unbeknowst to reader. a/n: this is for my chubby gals and also for my @/☠️ anon, who motivated this with a DM of hers (spot the DM at the bottom of the post).

The thing about soldiers… Is that they tend to have lovers. As in, for as long as they stay deployed in a country, they’re bound to get themselves a toy they can have a shag with. Sometimes it’s prostitutes. Sometimes it’s regular women.

Even those who have a family, a wife, a partner of any kind, waiting for them at home do it. It’s an open secret. Your buddy might be cheating on his wife… And you might know your friend’s wife, hell, your wife might be great friends with his wife. But you’ll never tell her. All things considered, she might already know and be turning a blind eye.

This is a lot more common for enlisted soldiers in the Army. The types that get deployed for 9 to 18 months at a time, fighting in a way that keeps them far away from home for so long that they “can’t help” but seek affection on the side.

But that’s not to mean Special Forces soldiers, especially those kept on ‘stand by’, always ready for a quick deployment that, at most, lasts a month or two, don’t do it. They do.

John Alistair MacTavish has a bird at home. He does. He really does. But you wouldn’t think that, seeing as he cheats on her as often as he breathes.

He goes on and on about his bird every chance he gets, has phone and video calls with her whenever he has the time, coos at her as she talks about her day, tells her how much he misses her…

Only to end the call and leave base with his team to end up at some bar or club in civvy clothes, find a nice bird or bloke (he’s not picky) and go home with them.

A dog, any normal person would call him, a womanizer, a skirt chaser, a player, a cheater.

He’s not above calling himself that. He knows it’s wrong. That doesn’t mean he’s stopping. Hell, that doesn’t mean he even feels guilty. He doesn’t.

It’s not that his girl back home is bad in bed, or boring, or that he feels trapped or… It’s simply that he has an itch that he wants scratched… 

And as useful as his fist is, he’s not a sixteen-year-old anymore, rubbing one out in his bathroom during a quick shower. That just doesn’t cut it anymore. If he has the option to shag someone, why wouldn’t he?

Now that he’s in the 141, the philandering just gets much worse. Whenever they have downtime on a foreign location somewhere, a night free before they return to England, a night before they get the go-ahead to go on a mission, what have you… He’s out getting himself a shag.

And, worse of all, he brings Gaz along. 

Gaz doesn’t have the same issue, he’s not got a partner at home, so he can do all of this with a clear conscience. Maybe that makes Gaz a bit bad too, because he knows that Soap has someone at home, and he still goes out with his mate and they both get wasted and laid without a care. 

Maybe Gaz doesn’t think it’s his place to intervene, or maybe he just doesn’t care enough to.

Camaraderie and all.

That’s how they ended up in a club downtown, flashing lights all around them, loud reggaeton playing through the speakers, men and women around them with more skin on display than they had covered rubbing their bodies, sipping drinks, spilling them over each other… Oh, the wonders of a Colombian night club.

They saw you before you saw them. Kyle tapping at Johnny’s shoulder as their eyes perused the space individually, then, he drew the Scot’s eyes to you, standing with your friends, laughing, drinking, softly swaying to the music. 

Soft curves in a copper-colored dress that left little to the imagination, clinging tight to a round ass and a thick belly, the hem constantly pulled down by your hands, as it insisted on rolling up, up, up, exposing more of your smooth thighs than you wanted it to. 

It didn’t stop you from still rolling your hips to the music, however, turning the fixing of your dress a near impossible task, repetitive, useless, and maddening, Sisyphus-and-his-stone.

Turning to each other, the two sergeants hands shot to the middle of their bodies, a quick rock-paper-scissors ensuing… which Johnny won.

And that’s how you ended up turning around to the sight of a foreigner with the broadest shoulders, thickest arms and pecs, and bluest eyes you’ve ever seen… As well as a mohawk, something you didn’t often see on… anyone, really.

He was a soldier, you could tell, even out of uniform. Not your first time seeing one, this being a city with a military base attached, and certainly not your last time being approached by one.

Oh, how soldiers seem to love fat women. You’ve experienced your fair few, many of them assuming your weight would equal desperation for love and affection, which would result in you accepting a rushed wedding for the sole purpose of getting him out of the barracks. 

But you’re not desperate. Other than for a good lay, maybe.

“Erm… Hola.” The soldier in front of you says, blue eyes locked on your face for a surprisingly respectful amount of time considering the sinful cleavage that this dress and your bra give you. 

His Spanish has the thickest accent you’ve ever heard, meaning he’s not American… But his pronunciation is off, so he’s clearly an English speaker. Though he’s not English either, you can tell.

“I speak English. Hi.” You told him, watching as he let out a little sigh of relief. Then, the corner of his mouth popped up in a dirty little smirk. 

“Well, tha’ makes it easier. Hi.” He replied. “I saw ye from over there… Was wonderin’ if I can buy ye a drink?” He offered. Only then did he allow his blue eyes to slither down, down, down, trailing every inch of your exposed skin down to the black ankle booties you’re wearing, thick, square heels to prevent your hamstrings from feeling the pain of stilettos the next morning.

“Why?” You decided to ask him with a cocked brow, forcing his eyes to shoot upward to meet your face again, locking onto yours with a surprised expression.

“Why, what, pretty thing?” He replied, his own brows, thick, straight, rising up to meet his hairline. He’s confused, his eyes blinking a bit. His intentions had been clear as day. Obvious enough for you to pick up on, but you’re playing dumb, or maybe hard to get. 

“Why do you wanna buy me a drink?” You asked him as you dipped your head to the side, your eyes slowly trailing over every inch of his handsome face. Those blue eyes of his are locked on you, pupils slightly dilated, hands hanging off his hips, fingers looped onto the belt loops of his jeans.

“Because you’re proper beautiful.” He replied. Your cocked brow and unimpressed glances up and down, cause him to continue. “And I’d love to take you home, find out what you’ve got on under that dress, and make sure your neighbors hate you from today onward.”

His words are crude, his voice loud and crass, disregarding the public space you’re in, the fact that there are others around, not just your friends, but complete strangers too. Maybe he’s hoping they won’t understand English. But they do. Hell, your girlfriends look at you and exchange coy looks with you, before them, and you, break into a fit of giggles.

He looks at them, noticing they caught what he said, even through the loud music, but then looks at you again. “So? What do you say?” His brogue is getting easier and easier to listen to with every word he says.

Rolling your head to the side, your squint your eyes at him and then shrug. “Do you have to buy me a drink for that?” You challenge him, your eyes snapping back and forth between his own, almost taunting him with your inquiry.

“Not if you don’t want to.” He tells you, eyes lit ablaze and a smirk on his lips.

So, you simply grab him by the arm, bid farewell to your friends, with a wave, and grab your clutch from the table, before dragging him out of the club.

Johnny was expecting a flat, a home, maybe even a university dorm room considering your age. What a surprise it came to him to find you taking him up to a hotel. Not that he’d complain when he noticed the large king-sized bed and the large view, providing a beautiful view of the illuminated city of Cartagena.

His hands were on your broad hips before you even got to closing the door, his mouth clashing onto yours as he pushed you against the wall by the door, calloused hands already sliding over the slinky fabric of your silky dress, tugging it up, so they could slip underneath.

His tongue pushed into your mouth, wet and drooling, saliva traded between your mouths as his strong fingers caught hold of a greedy handful of your ass, digging into the supple flesh and groaning in delight at just the feeling of you at his fingertips.

Your own hands already slid up and around his torso, feeling him up through the fabric of his t-shirt, before sliding down to pull the navy blue fabric out of its tuck into his jeans, rolling it up to expose a strong, bulky body covered in a generous amount of body hair.

Your lips broke apart for a moment, only long enough for you to take off his shirt, tossing it onto an armchair in the corner, and for him to unzip the side-zipper of your dress, taking it off you too.

Then, he grabbed you around the thighs, causing you to shriek, as he bounded for the bed, dropping you so hard onto it you almost swore you’d bounce off. Still wearing his jeans, he slotted himself between your parted thighs, his body bending over yours.

His stubble scratched your neck as he kissed you all over, licking stripes of your skin as his hands pulled off your boots, unfastened your bra… They were surprisingly nimble for such a hulking man. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.” Johnny cooed as he let his eyes run down your body.

He dragged his mouth down from your neck, across you clavicle, over one of your breasts, and caught your nipple between his teeth, beginning to suck on it, noticing how you hissed a bit, leaning back on your elbows as he did so.

One of his hands caught your other breast, grabbing and carefully kneading it between his fingers, as his eyes shot up to your face, blue irises beneath a pair of dark eyelashes, fluttering slowly as his pupils blew out from how horny he was. His other hand found your black panties and pulled them aside, (more so ripped them with how aggressive he pulled on them), the rough and calloused pads of his fingers catching your lips immediately and beginning to slide up and down, running over your slit.

The moment his cracked fingertips grazed your clit, you whined, your legs spreading apart even more, your body jumping a bit. “Fuck…” You grumbled under your breath, your eyes locked on his face and the way he eagerly played with your nipple. 

“Relax.” Johnny told you once he let go of your nipple. Then, he rolled his tongue around in his mouth, collecting some saliva, before letting it drip onto your slit, his fingers catching it and spreading it quickly as he resumed playing with your clit, hand craning in order to push a finger inside.

“Oh fuck…” You moaned softly, hips bucking up against his hand, following his ministrations as he pushed a second finger inside of you and hooked them up to graze your g-spot, pumping them in and out, the rugged feel of his cracked fingertips drawing a surprisingly pleasant sensation of pleasure from the depths of your soul.

His other hand moved away from your breasts in order to undo his belt, leaving it to hang around his waist as he also undid his jeans, sliding them and his boxer briefs down one-handed, in order to allow his cock to spring free.

Your eyes lock onto it as he continues fingering you, a bit sloppy and rough, his palm pressed to your clit and his fingers constantly drawing a ‘come hither’ motion inside your wet walls.

His cock is stubby, shorter than some of the men you’ve been with, but so thick you can’t help but wonder just how he’ll make it fit inside of you, and how straining the stretch of it will be. It’s heavy too, uncut, hanging down even while already full-mast, too heavy to spring back against his belly button. His balls are heavy too, full, round and strained as he continues to play with you, watching your reactions to his touch.

“You like what you see, huh?” He asks you, noticing the way your eyes don’t slip far from his cock before returning to it, watching it lay against one of your smooth thighs, the ruddy color and constant twitching only bringing more attention it as it rubs against your skin, dripping pre-cum over your stretch marks.

“Mhm…” You reply softly as your hand reaches down to tug at it, carefully wrapping around it and drawing it up and down over his length, only letting go to cup his taut balls and fondle them a few times.

“Tha’s it…” He murmurs and hisses under his breath as he looks you right in the eyes. “Wanna be good f’r me?” He coos at you, and you nod in reply as you bite your lip. “How about you get on your knees and let me see how you suck me off, hm?”

Nodding, you untangle yourself from around him, his fingers slipping out of you, as you took your spot on the floor, the soldier having been caring enough to toss a pillow from the bed onto the floor to cushion your knees.

He sits on the edge of the bed, strong, muscular thighs spread open, as you sunk your mouth onto him, without so much as a second’s worth of hesitation. The stretch as you tried to swallow as much of him as you can tugged at the corners of your mouth, making them feel a bit sore, your jaw already protesting at the size of him. But that doesn’t stop you.

You start lapping at the underside of his cock eagerly, wetting him as much as possible to make sure you could continue taking him down your throat. The sounds he was making were sinful, low groans and grunts, hissing through his teeth, one hand carefully fisting the bed covers.

He carefully gathered your hair away from your face, gripping it one handed. “Tha’s it… Greedy thign you are, wanna take all of my fat cock in your mouth, hm?” He goaded a bit as he looked down at you between his legs.

Any other time, any other place, any other man, you’d already be pulling off him, getting dressed, telling him to fuck off… But something in this soldier’s voice, in his accent, the growl behind his voice, the spark in his eyes… 

Maybe you are just desperate for a good lay with the thickest cock you’ve ever seen… But you don’t complain. You simply nod at him and bobbed your head even more enthusiastically, lips struggling to glide up and down his length, spread open sinfully to accommodate his size.

“Tha’s a good girl…” He praises, his free hand coming to grip you at the back of your neck, tugging you slowly, forward, to make you swallow more of him down into your throat, making you gag and sputter on his length, sloppily drooling around the size of him, saliva drooling down your chin and onto the carpeted floor of your hotel room.

“Pretty fucking thing… Gonna make that make-up run, hm?” He offers as he pulled you off and back onto his cock, moving your head for you. “Show some attention to that pretty pussy of yours, go on.” He demands, causing you to nod.

One of your hands found your wet slit between your legs, sliding two fingers inside, which felt like not nearly enough after having had his own, and considering the fat cock that would soon replace them, but you’d make do. 

“Both hands, don’t be coy now.” He added. Your eyes widen, already anticipating the loss of balance that’d come from the lack of support from your free hand holding you up on the bed. But you do as you’re told, trying your best to keep a perch on your knees as your other hand starts slowly padding at your clit, rolling circles with it.

When you inevitably lose balance, as you knew you would, the soldier simply pulls you forward against him, making you bury your nose against his pelvis, swallowing his cock in its entiry, causing you to choke and gag, trying to catch a breath through your nose. He, in turn, lets out a loud groan of delight, eyes rolling back, as he feels the warm wetness of your throat.

“Keep your hands where they are.” He demands of you, preventing you from trying to pull away and find balance again with your hands on the bed or the floor or his thighs. You can barely do much more than nod against his hip.

He hooks a leg over your shoulder, pinning you close to him, while his hips begin to rock into your mouth, blindly and sloppily, making you gag more and more, more saliva slipping down from your parted lips, making a mess of him and yourself. “Tha’s it… yeah… just what I fuckin’ needed… Such a good girl f’r me…” He grunts as his hand swipes your hair out of your face as it slips from his grip.

“You like this?” He asks you as he abuses your mouth and your throat, while you sputter and try to fruitlessly breathe between each thrust of his into your throat. Nodding pathetically, mouth to full to speak, you whimper against him, making him shiver and shudder. “Of course you do… greedy fuckin’ mouth…”

He only pulls you off him after another couple of minutes, which felt like an eternity, allowing you to catch your breath only for long enough for him to pull you onto the bed, bending you over at the hips, presenting your round ass to him.

“Mmmmm, look at you…” He grunts out as he ruts his cock between your ass cheeks while tugging your head back at the scalp, causing your back to arch ever so slightly, your tits still pressed against the bed covers. “Round fuckin’ arse… Gonna love see it jiggle f’r me…”

He lets go of you again for a moment only to paw at your ass cheeks with one hand, while the other blindly looks for his wallet in his jeans. “Find me a condom, will ye?” He asks as he tosses the leather wallet next to your head, while he steps out of his jeans, underwear and boots, finally.

While looking for the little clip pocket containing them, you spot his military identification very briefly. It makes you realize you didn’t even ask him his name… Nor did he ask for yours. A green and white striped card titled ‘British Army’, with the name ‘John MacTavish’ and some extra info you don’t really pay attention to. John. That’s his name…

Once you pass him one of the silver wrappers, Johnny rips it open and puts on the slick condom quickly, barely waiting a moment before slipping himself inside of you, down to the hilt in one swift motion. You find yourself squirming against the bed covers with a whine, while he groans loudly behind you.

Although the stretch was still wildly bigger than any other man you’ve been with before, it didn’t feel as uncomfortable as you expected it too… probably because you were wetter and more eager than you expected.

He starts rutting inside of you immediately, huffing through clenched teeth as his big hands grip your ass cheeks and keep you spread open. His fingers dig deeply onto your extra fat, squeezing and kneading it, his blue eyes glued to the way your puffy lips part and stretch to swallow him whole. “Beautiful fuckin’ sight…”

“Fuck… Just like that… Don’t stop…” You beg him and whine loudly, fisting the white bed covers and digging your nails into them, your face resting on them sideways, sliding back and forth with each thrust of his.

You’re sure the hotel staff is going to have a field day washing the duvet, your make-up already staining the white fluffy fabric, sliding down with the sweat, and dragging across with each motion of your head.

You can barely speak or think, moaning in turn with him, each thrust of his causing you to croon and whimper in delight, his fat cock hitting you at every possible angle and rubbing every inch of your walls, the veins dragging against your g-spot, the condom barely there.

“Yeah… ye like tha’? Huh? Ye like it?” He coos at you, already slightly out of breath, hips barelling against your plump ass, making it jiggle as he bounces himself off them.

“Oh, fuck yes…!” You whine loudly. His hands slide up to find your hip, pushing you down against the mattress so he can shift more of his weight onto you, pumping at a downward angle, causing you to shriek desperately.

“Oh yeah…” Johnny grunts and starts huffing atop you, leaning all his weight atop of you as he pounds his hips against yours, his breath ragged against your shoulder and hair. “Fuck… Yer cunts feels so fuckin’ good…” He murmurs in your ear, his thick accent becoming.

“Oh, God…” You whimper, shuddering beneath him, feeling the familiar knot tightening in your stomach, each of his strong thrusts rattling every fiber of your being. “John…”

“Oh… tha’s it… Moan my name…” He orders as one of his hands suddenly shoots up and grips you by the back of the neck. “Moan my name…” He insists as he throws his hips down onto yours.

“John!” You call out, doing as you’re told, panting for air as he pushes your face harder into the mattress, slowing his thrusts down and bottoming out inside you each time at a slower pace.

Good thing he did too… Because the knot in your stomach only tightens more and more and more, and then snaps, making you cry out loudly with a choked moan that gets half-caught in your throat as your walls suddenly clamp down around him, tightening the grip on his fat shaft.

“Oh fuck…” Johnny grunts and picks up the pace again, grasp your hip as hard as his hands can, a bruising grip that’ll definitely leave a mark, as he pounds into your weeping cunt again and again and again…

He finally comes, losing his balance and landing on his elbows and forearms on either side of your body, his chest against your back, out of breath, as much as you, even though you feel like you barely did anything other than take him.

“Fuck… I needed that…” He grumbles under his breath as he speaks against your shoulder blade, before leaning up and biting at your earlobe. “That feel good f’r ye?” He whispers in your ear, an earnest question, receiving a little nod from you. “Good…”

Slowly, he pulled himself up, slipping his softening cock from you and rolling the condom off. “So… how long are ye and yer friends stayin’ here?” He asks you nonchalantly while tying off the condom.

“Are you trying to make small talk…?” You ask him, surprised that you can even find a voice or string together a coherent sentence in the aftermath of that. You try your best to drag yourself up and over onto the bed, and once you succeed, you look at him languidly.

“No. I have a reason to ask.” He assures you as he tosses the condom into the paper bin under the desk in the corner, before shuffling back over to you on the bed, lying lazily next to you, an arm behind his head, the other on his stomach.

“Four more days.” You tell him, and he nods at the reveal of information. You roll your head to the side to look at him, both of your bodies sweaty and sticky, your make-up undoubtedly a mess, not that he shows it in the way he looks at you… And even if he did, he’d likely only show pride at making you look like that.

“Well… I’m comin’ to pay ye a visit every night until then.” He tells you, before wrapping his free arm around you, pulling you close. “I plan on gettin’ that tight cunny wrapped around my cock fer as long as I can.”

Bonus:

cw: phone infidelity (Johnny's gf calls Johnny while he's fucking reader), lying, cheating, and reader is also not a good person.

It’s the dawn of your last day in Cartagena. And, as promised, Johnny has come to see you for the last four nights, fucking you well into the early hours of the morning, before disappearing while you sleep it off in the morning.

Your friends have been so excited for you this whole time, making you tell and retell all your sexual escapades with him, as you sightsee, go to the beach, go shopping, go out for lunch and dinner…

Meanwhile, Gaz already knows of what Soap's been up to... as do Price and Ghost. Kinda hard to miss the way he disappears every night and comes back every morning, with a smug smile on his lips and the signature walk of someone that just got laid. Ghost even took to calling Johnny 'the town bicycle'™️ every morning, not that Soap minds it.

And you definitely should be sleeping… It’s about to be 6 A.M. after all, your flight due to departing at 1 P.M., your bag already packed in the corner other for the dress Johnny stripped off you when he arrived, and the clothes you prepped for the flight. 

But it’s your last night here. Your last night with this British man - Scottish you recently found out - you’ll never see again. How could you spend it any other way other than getting your guts rearranged and your thighs so sore that you’ll undoubtedly be wobbling past airport security and into your flight?

Just as he’s rutting desperately against you, murmuring about how good you feel underneath him, eyes locked on the way your breasts and stomach jiggle with each furious thrust of his hips, a phone’s ringtone comes from somewhere on the floor.

It’s a cheerful little tune, one that immediately makes his face harden into a grimace. “Fuck.” Johnny grunts atop you. “Don’t move. Don’t move…” He tells you before he rushes off to find his phone. 

You assume it’s work. After all, he sun is already rising in the horizon. Isn’t that when work tends to start for soldiers? You find the idea of it dreadful, waking up so early, to work out?

But the realization washes over you when his voice becomes affectionate and sweet, calling whoever is on the other side ‘baby’. Johnny presses the phone to his ear, before rushing back onto the bed, slotting himself between your thighs. 

Before you can say anything, maybe protest at what he’s doing, he’s back inside you, one of his palms clamping over your mouth as he throws his hips against yours.

“I just got up actually… Am at the gym.” Johnny lies as he pounds into you, a great excuse as to what he sounds out of breath. “Oh yeah… hip thrusts, love.” He continues speaking, his eyes locked onto you.

“Mhm… Definitely…” He grunts out. “Let me put you on speaker so I can keep going.” He adds and quickly does so, setting the phone next to your head on the bed.

“I miss you, Johnny…” A woman’s voice, sugary sweet and soft, comes from the speakers, right next to your ear. An accent similar to his, but less rugged, a bit more polished. 

“I know, love… Miss you too…” Johnny says above you, eyes locked on yours as he grunts a bit and presses his hips harder into yours. “Can’t wait to finish here and go back to you…”

You don’t know what it is… You should be disgusted. You should be bucking him off, yelling at him, exposing him to this girlfriend as a cheater… But the way he looks at you, the way his cock throbs inside you, the way this feels, so forbidden and wrong… You can’t help but like it.

“What are you up to now, baby?” Johnny asks as he continues rutting against you, eyes lowering to watch the way your cunt swallows his fat cock.

“I’m about to have lunch, that’s why I called early, going with Anna and Delilah for work, just wanted to say a quick hello!” Johnny’s girlfriend says.

Johnny grunts when your walls flutter around him, tightening around him, a sign you were close to your limit. “Oh… fuck…” He grumbles and pants. 

“You okay, love?” Johnny’s girlfriend asks, concerned, when she hears the way he sounds. “You’re not injuring yourself, are you? Am I distracting you?”

“No, no, baby…” Johnny grunts. “I just… love you so much!” He tells her, his face screwed into an expression of pure delight, eyes rolling a bit and eyelids fluttering as he feels you continue to squeeze around you. “Yeah… I love you and miss you… so… so much… God…”

“I miss you too, Johnny!” She says, naively, as her boyfriend lets out a grunt under his breath and comes inside of you, blowing a load inside the condom as he rests his head against your chest.

[morbidology]

Stull Cemetery is located in the small Kansas town of Stull. Inside the cemetery stands a small abandoned church and a number of gravestones. Many creepy tales surround this cemetery, which is said to be one of the seven gateways to hell. An article written in 1974 claims that this cemetery is one of the two places on the earth that the devil appears in person twice a year. In fact, it’s said that the abandoned church is his gateway, with many locals claiming that even though the roof has been missing for years, rain does not land inside. Shrouded with tales of witchcraft, devil worship, and Satan himself, this cemetery is on the bucket list for most paranormal chasers. Is is even said that that when Pope John Paul II was flying to Colorado in 1993, he had his pilot divert around the cemetery because even the air surrounding Stull Cemetery is tainted by evil.

[starboybutler]

college au gale brain dump!!!!!

grew up on a farm and had this horse he absolutely LOVED. named her after a character from my little pony but he doesn't like to mention that

was outside for as long as he could possibly handle. he hated the indoors (mainly because its where his father liked to hang out) and would sleep in the barn when he could manage

was very girly as a child, but as he grew up he became more masculine. his dad was furious, saying he shouldn't be acting that way since he was a young lady, but his mother insisted he was just a tomboy (not)

when he figured out he was indeed NOT a tomboy and instead a man, he felt so much dread wash over him because he knew his father would not be happy when he found out

he tried to hide it as best he could, but one time his dad walked in on him taping his chest down and lost it.

grabbed him by his hair and said since he wanted to be a boy so bad, he was gonna cut off all his hair.

gale loved his hair-- he loved having something to occupy his hands with- and he just felt he looked nice with it. so when his dad buzzed it all off crudely he sobbed for literal days.

his mom tried to comfort him, but he knew she didn't really get it either, so he just kinda played into his dad's idea that it was "a phase"

he didn't do much to try and pass throughout high school while livig at home due to his safety, but he did practice talking in a deeper voice to try and appear somewhat masculine.

he didn't worry about binding, he just wore baggier clothes because his chest was already smaller anyway.

he only really started gender affirming therapy and such when he moved away for college. he had a part time job that he used to save up to start hormones and buy other things to help him pass a little better. the only real issue he had was that he was scared of needles but by god he was gonna give himself this shot

he was used to being misgendered due to his longer hair and other things, but he'll never forget when a tall curly haired guy nudged him and said "hey dude, you got a pencil?"

it was such a small thing, but it meant the world to him. he thought about that guy for weeks.

turns out the guy couldn't stop thinking abt him either, because he asked gale for his name about a week later.

gale had never had a chance to introduce himself by his preferred name- and he was a little nervous to do it. but he said it. "gale. gale cleven." like it was as easy as breathing

the guy smiled back at him and said his name was john egan

turns out his dorm isnt far from gale's invites him over

gale is nervous. does this guy like him. does he know he's trans? is it a trap?? is he a chaser????

he feels a little better that its not just the two of them. his roommate is there. gale feels gender euphoria from being taller than a cis guy

[fractualized]

It's the first Tuesday of the month and once again The Man Who Stopped Laughing has brightened my spirits with Issue #9!

Spoilers and police brutality/murder beyond the cut.

Protag Joker passed out last issue but uhhhh apparently got back up again before Killer Croc got free of the barbed wire, because we open with Joker still eluding Croc. However, Croc is not so mad that he's not willing to answer Joker's question and say he attacked Grundy just to protect his territory.

CROCJOKES LIVES

Meanwhile, the Other Joker is near the end of his road trip back to Gotham, but snacks are still a must.

That's slushie all over his hand and face, not blood. JOHN DOE LIVES

When Joker goes back outside, Killer Moth has some commentary on his nonsense with Batman, which I highlight only because I always love when onlookers notice the batjokes dynamic.

Also I lol'd that the coffee becomes a gag.

Again, Joker, this is why you don't have friends. But he will defend his poor dead Mr. Waffles. 🥺

Moth, I hope you pay later for this disrespect!!

ohhhh myyy gooooddd WAFFLEJOKES LIVES HELL YEAH WE ARE STILL IN BUSINESS

After this joyous reveal, we return to the Gotham sewers, where Joker asks Croc why he doesn't believe Protag Joker is the real one. The discussion gets more personal.

Croc just giving real talk about Joker's ability to attract allies… before attacking him, but Joker is quick on his feet.

Meanwhile, time to see what's up with Jason's transfer to Blackgate.

So that's going well! Elsewhere in town…

Joker, you once lost a laughing contest to a pre-teen acrobat. Plenty of dumber things have happened to you.

Joker, are you noticing a running theme about people's feelings about you? Maybe it's because you appear to be wearing a sweater vest over a hoodie. But never no mind, Joker says Scarface is going to help him build an army to fight Other Joker.

And then we're back to Jason and his rescuer, who is not Steph as I assumed last issue.

I don't know anything about Rose Wilson other than that she's Deathstroke's daughter which I googled for this post. I'm not sure if she's sticking around or if Jason is going it alone again.

Three hours later, Protag Joker meets the Ventriloquist at a warehouse.

The comic pulls a little fakeout here. Hatter and Moth didn't switch sides; Other Joker has finally arrived in Gotham, and these are his soldiers.

So nice to see Mr. Waffles up and around. :) He doesn't need to be convinced, unlike Clayface.

Protag Joker is less thrilled.

It's kind of adorable that Joker assumed that his gorilla sidekick was of such renown.

I don't know who to root for anymore. :( Grundyjokes or Wafflejokes?

So there's no TMWSL issue next month. Apparently the Joker issues of Knight Terrors coming out in July and August continue the story from here, per a tweet I saw from Rosenberg. Which Joker will have the nightmare? Perhaps a third one who is the original? Regardless, I'm looking forward to Rosenberg's telling of Joker working in a dull, dull office.

Anyway, the backer this time takes a different tack than the others with who acts as the main character.

I imagine Joker was no longer impressed when he fell to his doom. :(

Jim doesn't believe this, and what comic reader could blame him? Until he takes it to ridiculous lengths.

The question should be settled when Joker's body shows up.

The pivot after "he doesn't have any organs" to "well then this isn't him at all!!" is sending me. But even so, comic villains have pulled off that ruse, so I still have sympathy for Jim here. He loses his job over his obsession, which takes him back to the circus.

I snorted.

RED-NOSE CHASER

Anyway, Gordon sees Gaggy among the clowns and pursues him, which is a dive from humorous to terrifying as Gaggy insists Joker is dead ("they killed him") and looks for a way to defend himself. It ends badly.

Oh, no, Gordon. Batman has had this thought but you're about to do it worse.

And so his obsessive pursuit ends, as he finds the Joker within himself! But haven't we all?

I'm assuming Knight Terrors isn't going to have these backers, and I'll miss them. :( But I'm also assuming Joker's bad dream will include a surreal element that will make up for the absence.

[discordantwords]

after the storm

In honor of Sherlock's birthday, here's a little glimpse at what happened with our beloved storm chasers after the credits rolled on Whirlwind.

_____

John wakes to the muffled drone of the television. He throws an automatic hand out, finds an expanse of empty bed, long gone cool. 

He sits up. 

Morning sun slants through the windows, casting the cluttered room in golden light. 

The bed is comfortable, and familiar. The warm embrace of home after far too much time spent away. 

He stands, muscles aching, and shuffles his way out of the bedroom, down the hall, and into the living room. Bartholomew is stretched on the couch. He gives a thump of his tail as John enters, but otherwise does not stir. Sherlock is standing by the window, mug of tea steaming in his hands. 

The morning news is on the television. 

John glances at it, looks away. It is his network. The anchors, Janine and David, toss pre-scripted banter back and forth with wide smiles. He knows them well. Any moment now, the morning weather report will come on, and he will not be the one delivering it. 

The relief is staggering. 

"Regrets?" Sherlock asks. 

He smiles, lifts his head to meet Sherlock's steady gaze. "None." 

Sherlock nods slowly, takes a sip of his tea. There is a bandage at his temple, bruises and shallow scratches criss-crossing his skin. John had mapped those marks with his fingertips the night before, marveling at the miracle of Sherlock's heartbeat, the blood pumping in his veins, the soft breaths he continues to draw.

It is twice, now, that the wind has attempted to tear him from the earth. Love has kept him tethered.

"—our very own John Watson—" 

John startles, looks back at the television. His own face is on the screen. He knows the photograph. It is the professional headshot he'd had taken when he first joined the news team. His tie is fixed slightly too tight. His smile is fixed a little too wide.

Sherlock steps up next to him, shoulders just brushing. 

"—and his heroic efforts to warn James Moriarty and the Stormfans crew, all caught on tape seconds before tragedy struck yesterday," Janine's voice is somber as the image cuts away from John's smiling face to grainy, jittery feed from inside Moriarty's SUV. "I must warn you that the footage you're about to see is quite graphic—" 

"Jesus," John says, and looks away. He hears his own voice piped in over the radio, his desperate pleas that went unheeded. Moriarty's mocking dismissal. Sebastian Moran, protesting just a little too late. The terrible screams before the abrupt severance of the feed. 

Sherlock stays at his side, unmoving, unspeaking. 

"As the full scope of yesterday's destruction comes into focus," David says on screen, "we can confirm twenty-three fatalities in Grant County, with further damage in—" 

John shakes his head. His face is hot. He reaches blindly for the remote, switches off the television. 

"That photograph," Sherlock says. 

John lifts his hand, rubs at the back of his neck. "What?" 

"The photograph that Mary chose to air. You weren't happy when it was taken." 

"What?" John says again. He stares hard at the now-dark television screen. Shakes his head to banish the memory of Moriarty's screams. "No. Um. It was taken my first day on set. They used it for— I don't even know. The website. Press releases. My ID badge. That sort of thing." 

"You weren't happy." 

"No," John says. "I wasn't." 

He hadn't been happy. He'd been resigned, and determined, but not happy. 

"They gave you a gracious sendoff at the start of the hour," Sherlock says. "You were still asleep." 

"They—" John shakes his head again, feeling hopelessly behind. "Really?" 

"Said that your weather reports would be deeply missed, but that in light of yesterday's events you'd elected to return to the field in an effort to prevent such tragedies from occurring in the future. There was even a little montage of your most memorable moments in the studio." 

"Oh," John says, surprised. "Mary would have had to approve that. That was—nice. Of her." 

"No," Sherlock says, but there is a glint of mirth in his eyes. "Not nice. Smart. You were a member of her staff. Well-liked by viewers. Abrupt departures often evoke scandal. Positioning you as a noble hero sacrificing his comfortable career for the greater good paints the network in a better light."  

"Ah," John says, smiling in spite of himself. He looks down at the ground. "That makes a lot more sense."

"She may have been being nice as well," Sherlock says, after a moment. He sounds slightly unsure.

"Maybe," John concedes.

They stand regarding each other for a moment. 

"I spoke with Mrs Hudson," Sherlock says, finally.

"She's all right?" 

"She will be. Mycroft has offered her a place to stay until her house can be rebuilt. From what she tells me, he campaigned vigorously for the move to be permanent, but she has no intentions of leaving." 

"Glad to hear it," John says. "Hard to imagine Wakita without her." 

Sherlock hums in agreement. "Oklahoma would fall." 

Bartholomew stands up, stretches. He hops down off the couch, nudges at John's fingers with a cold nose. 

"Unfortunately, Mycroft seems to have developed an allergy, so we'll need to keep Bart until construction is done." Sherlock heaves a heavy sigh that does not fool John in the slightest. 

"I think we can manage that," John says, scratching behind a silken red ear. There is a warmth in his chest, spreading, threatening to spill out of him. 

"We should go," Sherlock says. "Lots to do. You're moving back in. You need clothes. And we need a new truck." 

"My truck was new," John grumbles without much heat.

"We're due at the lab by noon," Sherlock adds. 

"Lots of data to go through," John agrees. There is a little thrum of excitement at the thought. 

"It'll be good to have you back. I—" Sherlock says, and trails off.

John looks up. Sherlock's expression is soft, considering. There is a little furrow between his brows. 

"—missed you," Sherlock says. 

John lifts his hand, traces gentle fingertips over Sherlock's bruised face. Sherlock's breath hitches, ever so slightly. His eyes flutter shut. 

"Noon, yeah?" John says, puts just a hint of suggestion in his voice. 

Sherlock smiles, a slow, languid thing. He does not open his eyes. "Yes. Well. I suppose we can be flexible on the timing." 

"Just the timing?" John presses, leaning in close, inhaling Sherlock's warm, familiar scent. 

"And—other things—" Sherlock amends, capturing John's mouth in a kiss.

"Hey, Sherlock?" John says, pulling back ever so slightly. 

"Hm?" Sherlock huffs a shaky breath against John's lips. 

John rolls his forehead against Sherlock's, takes a steadying breath. There are so many things he wants to say, so many things he needs to say. But he will start here, with a memory and a promise: "I'm going to love you forever."

Sherlock opens his eyes. His grin is sunshine parting through the clouds.

[swissmissficrecs]

My favorite fics of 2022

I didn’t get as much reading in this year, so the list is shorter than in past years but no less sweet. In order of length:

Indefinite Lines by ArwaMachine (298K, E, Johnlock) Sherlock and John find themselves faced with a series of seemingly disparate cases that are growing increasingly connected, increasingly personal. They must unravel the mystery laid before them by a particularly ruthless set of criminals before the danger is upon them, or else run the risk of being cleaved apart forever, lines scattered to the wind.

Slipstream by khorazir (290K, M, Johnlock) It’s going to be the last Tour de France for professional cyclist John Watson. Despite the hardships of cycling more than 3000 kilometres in three weeks, in blistering heat and torrential rain, over dangerous cobblestones in northern France and the mountains of the Alps and the Pyrenees, battling thirst, hunger, injury and exhaustion, not to mention bitchy rivals, doping allegations, and the ever scoop-hungry press, he is going to enjoy the ride, damn it. That’s what John keeps telling himself – until he meets his new teammate, Sherlock Holmes, who adds a whole new list of problems as well as an extra dose of excitement to John’s life.

The Last Envoy by Calais_Reno (127K, M, Johnlock) April 1938. Sherlock is a very human alien who comes to Earth with a mission he doesn't completely understand and quickly falls in love-- with the planet, the people, and a certain army doctor. There will be angst: war begins and he is caught up in events he cannot control, while still trying to fulfill his purpose in being here.

Matchmaking for Solitary Animals by ArwaMachine (71K, E, Johnlock) Upon moving back to Baker Street following Sherlock’s return from the dead, John finds that Sherlock is a bit more keen on entertaining gentlemen callers than he once was, a fact that seems to make John irrationally angry. Intent on proving that he’s not a total dick, John decides to make it his mission to find Sherlock a boyfriend. This, as it turns out, is the worst idea John has ever had.

Lost In A Good Book by khorazir (68K, M, Johnlock) After chasing a criminal into a poky second-hand bookshop, John and Sherlock find themselves not only stuck in the building, but in L-space itself. With things still raw and unsettled between them after the events surrounding the Culverton Smith case, this adds another dimension to their predicament, which not only consists of finding a way out of the shop (while avoiding getting murdered by the criminal), but also to finally address the issues between them.

Whirlwind by DiscordantWords (50K, M, Johnlock, Warstan) New job, new truck, new fiancée... John Watson, former storm chaser, has settled into a comfortable new life. There's only one problem: John's already married. And the the divorce papers he's been sending to his former partner, Sherlock Holmes, keep going missing. So with his fiancée Mary by his side, John reluctantly makes a trip to see him in the hopes of finalizing their divorce once and for all. But John arrives in the midst of a very active storm season, and Sherlock very clearly hasn’t let go of the past. Against his better judgement, John finds himself talked into riding along after one last storm.

Accidental Magic by Calais_Reno (39K, M, Johnlock) Soon after his return (TEH), Sherlock takes the case of a woman seeking stolen books hidden in her late husband’s library. He invites John to come with him. Working together after so much time apart, they begin to discover more than stolen books.This isn’t really a story about magic, except for the ordinary kind of magic that happens when people realise they’re in love and it’s time to do something about it. That kind of magic is the best kind.

Blue Plaques by JRow (36K, M, Johnlock) John’s engagement is off, and he is back at the place he feels most at home — 221B Baker Street. It’s been a bit of an adjustment (he does miss the regular hugs and snuggles) but John is happy, and it seems like Sherlock is too. John certainly loves working on a good case with his mad flatmate, so he’s thrilled when Greg asks for their help in figuring out how Colin Mahon is continuing to run his drugs operation while out on bail and under constant surveillance. It must have something to do with Mahon’s daily travels (on foot) to a slew of seemingly boring London sights. But in the process of solving this little mystery, will John accidentally reveal a secret of his own?

A Scandal at Paladia by disfictional (34K, E, Johnlock) An ill-fated visit to Uncle Rudy's drag bar unlocks a memory of John's past- a memory that wreaks havoc on their sex life. John has a secret, and Sherlock is determined to solve the case.

Jam by JRow (34K, M, Johnlock) John needs some time to recharge after the physically and emotionally draining case in Dartmoor. On a whim, he books a couple of days in Falmouth and (somehow) convinces Sherlock to join him. During the impromptu minibreak, the nature of John and Sherlock’s relationship begins to shift. Things get even better upon their return home to London. But are the two men on the same page about what they’ve become?

What Happens to the Heart by Susan (31K, M, Johnlock) Someone wants John Watson dead and is willing to pay a lot of money to make it happen. Hitmen, old grudges, new grudges and lots of kissing.

Cupid's Venom by SilentAuror (29K, E, Johnlock) Over drinks one night, Mike Stamford reveals to Sherlock that he always wished he could have taken credit for being Sherlock and John's Cupid. Unfamiliar with the reference, Sherlock plunges into studies of toxins and Greek mythology...

The Best Seats in The House by J_Baillier (22K, T, Johnlock) Nature photographer John Watson is trying to do the same as the locals: getting the hell of the way when the killer queen of Indonesian's volcanoes starts a drumbeat towards eruption. Little does he know that soon, he'll be headed straight into the danger zone.

Both Sides Now by Silvergirl (14K, M, Johnlock) Sherlock, undercover on the Norfolk coast, texts that he needs help; John is still seething after Sherlock’s gambit in the train car, and he refuses. When Sherlock goes missing, Mycroft sends John in to pose as Sherlock’s bit on the side.

Plus these bonus fics from 2021 that I read after posting my 2021 list and deserve a spot:

Know You All Over Again by PoppyAlexander (53K, M, Johnlock) After five good years, one difficult one, and six months that were hell, John and Sherlock live apart but still share custody of seven-year-old Rosie. With therapy, supportive friends, and those inevitable dance recitals and open school days forcing them into each other's paths again and again, anger and bitterness fade, leaving space for a new view of each other across the divide.

The Oak Tree and the Cypress by FinAmour (43K, E, Johnlock) Things Sherlock didn't expect to happen at midnight on a Thursday: for John to be kissing him. For John's lips to be so delicious. For his own mouth, stung by the sweetness, to kiss John back—or for his hands to raise to John's cheeks in order to lengthen it. He didn't expect his heart to be bursting with pure joy and relief, or for their night to end with John in a hospital bed. And he certainly did not expect to turn them into fake husbands.

Previous favorites lists: 2010 / 2011 / 2012 / 2013 / 2014 / 2015 / 2016 / 2017 / 2018 / 2019 / 2020 / 2021

[thatscarletflycatcher]

I might be interested in that “Sherlock writers/producers power trip” stuff 👀

Calling it a power trip was a bit dramatic of me XD but I do think the creators of Sherlock had a... weird relationship with the character of John Watson. He gets two different and incongruous characterizations, and I don't understand the rationale behind it.

The most clear example of this for me is how this changes between the Unaired Pilot and A Study in Pink. The Watson of the UP is self assured, practical, intelligent, competent, moral (if somewhat grim and with a veneer of darkness lurking beneath the surface) and mature. The Watson of ASIP is insecure, impractical, rather dumb, extremely loyal to a person he just met for no reason, a failure of a petticoat chaser, and essentially an adrenaline junkie. And these are two versions of the same story.

On the UP, the first meeting between Sherlock and Watson is marked by Watson's curiosity and earnest admiration about Sherlock's deductions; the same scene in ASIP shows us Watson being taken aback by Sherlock's behavior. When they are at the scene of the crime and Sherlock asks Watson if he's aware that he's speaking his appreciative remarks out loud, UP Watson just calmly asks if that bothers Sherlock; ASIP!Watson hurries to apologize. And in general he hesitates, apologizes and feels out of place much more across the latter version.

In the UP, what "cures" Watson's limp is that he notices that something has gone wrong with Sherlock's attempt at dealing with the cabbie, and he jumps to go help/save him. Watson is a doctor, his vocation in life is centered around helping and saving people; his psychological symptoms are caused by a sense of purposelessness, as he's been discharged after being wounded, and lives on a military pension. Now that he has met Sherlock and realized the ways in which Sherlock is self-destructive, he has found new purpose. ASIP, by replacing this for a foot-chase, replaces this element of characterization (intelligence, moral fiber, decisiveness) with... John is just an adrenaline junkie -and doubles down upon this through Mycroft words, and by removing from the ending scene the lines where Sherlock calls Watson "my doctor", and Watson tells Lestrade off by reminding him that Sherlock must eat if he is to be useful in future. In both versions we have the set-up of the gun Watson keeps in his drawer (that he may come to use to kill himself) and the payoff (that he ends up using to save Sherlock's life); but whereas in the UP it is of a piece with the characterization I mentioned above, in ASIP it feels like a leftover they couldn't remove because it was so deeply baked into the plot.

The framing of Watson's killing of the cabbie is also different between UP and ASIP: in the UP, we only see Watson leaving the restaurant, then the cabbie dying, and "realize" with Sherlock who the shooter was. It is implied that he guessed where the cabbie was taking Sherlock, called the police, made a detour to pick up his gun, and then headed to Baker Street where he chose the vantage point of a house across the street, from which he watched the cabbie and Sherlock, and waited till the last possible moment to shoot, in case bloodshed could be avoided. This shows that he can keep a very cool head under pressure, that he underwent military training and it stuck, and that he is moral and practical, grounded and efficient.

ASIP!Watson picked up his gun after his interview with Mycroft -the implication that he means to use it as protection/defense for Sherlock and himself from... MI5/6. Now that does give some credence to Mycroft's insult that Watson is brave, but bravery is what people say when they mean stupidity. You were in the army, Watson! You should know better! (the Mycroft subplot also includes two painfully awkward attempts at hitting on one of Mycroft's underlings, a woman clearly much younger than him. As I was saying, Watson loses maturity between the UP and ASIP). Watson then only follows Sherlock and the cabbie because of the phone setup that had been previously solved by Sherlock (so no application of intelligence here), does not think of calling the police, and then we watch him desperately searching for the room where Sherlock and the cabbie are, then when he casually lands on the room across that one, he screams Sherlock's name to the top of his lungs, and as he is not heard, he ends up shooting the cabbie as a last desperate effort. No planning here, no cold head, and some very stupid decisions (had the cabbie been armed for real, and he had stumbled into the room or been heard, chances are one or the two would have ended up injured or dead).

I think the contrast between the two versions of this other scene showcases this really well:

ASIP: Sherlock: are you alright? Watson: Yes, of course I'm alright. Sherlock: you just killed a man. Watson: Yes, I... That's true, innit? (pause) but he wasn't a very nice man.

UP: Sherlock: you are alright? Watson: of course I'm alright. Sherlock: you have just killed a man. Watson: I've seen men die before -good men, friends of mine-; 'thought I'd never sleep again. I'll sleep fine tonight.

The unaired pilot plays more with setting up a "dark side" to Watson; his profession as doctor makes him mainly caring and helpful, but it can also make him clinical and detached at points; I don't think it is a coincidence that Donovan tells Watson to take his distance from Sherlock because "One day just showing up won’t be enough. One day we’ll be standing round a body and Sherlock Holmes will be the one who put it there", but by the end of the episode the police is standing around on a crime scene for which the killer was... Watson. This last thing, again, carries over into ASIP because it couldn't be taken out without breaking the plot, but has been removed from the rest of Watson's characterization in the episode. Mind you, I don't think "exploring the dark side of John Watson's personality and maybe turning him into a villain or a conflicted antihero" is a good idea, but it was set up in one, discarded, and not replaced in the other.

I could write another post with the differences in the characterization of Sherlock between the two tellings of the story, but exploring that here would make this answer way much longer than it needs to be. I'll summarize it by saying that UP Sherlock is written to have some complementarities with UP Watson: Sherlock is rather juvenile/childish, too focused on "the game" to take care of himself, assess risks or evaluate how his behavior affects others. He has a hard time understanding the feelings of others, and that coupled with an enjoyment of tricks and disguises and games is what makes him difficult for other people to deal with. Basically, Sherlock is very intelligent in a rather theoretical, detached way, whereas Watson is a grounding presence because he's full of common, practical sense. ASIP Sherlock is... an asshole. It's not that he doesn't understand the emotions of others, he despises them. It's not that he's reckless, it's that he's super cool and dangerous (and suddenly is a master of combat what). He's basically a sort of pop culture übermensch?

The ASIP characterization for both characters dominates series 1 and 2 of Sherlock, and develops through two main dynamics: one is the "Watson as a silly wife in a bad 1950s sitcom", that is particularly intense and weird in The Blind Banker (which, in all fairness, was not written by mofftiss).

The first Sherlock-John scene in TBB is a juxtaposition between Sherlock having a skilled fight at the flat, while Watson is failing miserably at... checking out groceries. The following scene is poor silly woman Watson with her his silly little homemaking problems cannot understand the huge work and problems her husband Sherlock tackles when she's not looking. Watson is worried about having money to pay the necessities, Sherlock cannot be bothered to mind such pedestrian things.

This depiction of Watson as """"feminine"""" (derogatory) pops up here and then. He gets kidnapped three times for just being... careless (again, doctor, yes, but war veteran and human being that has been kidnapped before). It may not sound like A LOT, but when you consider the whole series is just 14 episodes, of which one is a short and another happens exclusively inside Sherlock's head... well...

Magnussen literally calls Watson Sherlock's damsel in distress in His Last Vow. His feelings upon discovering Sherlock is alive in The Empty Hearse are treated as over-reaction by Sherlock, Mary and the narrative. In general the whole Mary arc is filled with this sense that Mary and Sherlock relate to each other and understand each other and cooperate with each other on a level that Watson can't reach, and he's therefore relegated most of the time to a figure to be protected from both truth and evildoers, and then to give Rosie to, because man carrying a baby emasculating or something? (Sherlock's single interaction with Rosie is about his trying to reason with her, but he never touches or holds her, and she virtually disappears as a being once Mary dies).

This concept of Sherlock as idealized pop culture übermensch and Watson as a failure of a man takes the rest of the time a strange tone of aggressiveness, not only in the occasions in which Watson beats up Sherlock (A Scandal in Bohemia, TEH, The Lying Detective), but in smaller ways in Watson's pointed acting like he's not interested in the case or in explanations... and his dating women for apparently no other reason that to try and stick it to Sherlock (which makes it extra out of nowhere when he's not only so deeply affected by Sherlock's death, but that he tells to his grave "I was so alone and I owe you so much". Wait, what? You've spent most of your time being annoyed and feeling threatened by this guy).

Watson's relationships with women is also part of the weirdness of his characterization. He dates several of them one after the other in what seems an effort to show Sherlock that at least in this he's more competent than him; he doesn't seem to really care considering he mixes up their names and neglects them. However, the series also wants to make him also a very awkward and poor flirt with no standards (like trying to get the therapist in The Hounds of Baskerville, starting an emotional affair with a woman who just smiled at him on the bus, gets very mad at a tabloid calling him confirmed bachelor), and that the women that DO actually get into stable relationships with him think him beneath them one way or another (the series makes a pointed joke about how his girlfriend in The Great Game won't have sex with him or make him breakfast, Mary uses him first as a cover and then calls herself the best thing that happened to him as a joke while he's very seriously trying to propose to her). It rounds up again to that subtle "not man enough - feminine" undercurrent.

Then there's Watson's general incompetence. On my first draft of this answer I had written a list, episode by episode, of all the times Watson is being sent on wild goose chases, makes mistakes that no one with his background should, stumbles upon clues by sheer dumb luck, is generally useless, and his ideas are treated as extremely dumb, but it was very long and boring. So here are the ones I found to be the most notorious examples:

In TBB, he does not comment that left-handed people do in fact learn to shoot with their right hand (he is himself a left handed person who does that as established in ASIP); on that same episode he daftly stands by with a paint can and gets caught by the police and can't say anything to defend himself despite the high unlikeness of his being.... a street artist (his worrying about the charges is, again, framed as silly.)

He leaves the witness they need and who is in danger, alone, so he can go "help Sherlock" (which meant just... running out of the scene so she could get killed).

Watson's date is better than him at the brawl that happens at the circus somehow. He cannot tell a delivery guy from a ninja and gets kidnapped. He's scared witless because an old lady is pointing a gun at him (HE'S AN AFGHANISTAN VETERAN).

In TGG, Watson has kept the gun with which he killed the cabbie (against UP, and also, you know, incriminating evidence). Watson, a doctor whose CV specifies surgery, is jumpscared and upset by a head in the fridge.

In ASIB, he doesn't even know how to punch properly. The guy who is an ace with a gun in ASIP, is reduced and held at gunpoint like nothing here, and contributes nothing while badass Sherlock and Irene kick the goons asses. Falls for a dumb seduction trick because he's an idiot. Cannot tell apart real shock from Mrs Hudson just pretending.

In The Sign of the Three, Sherlock realizes Mary is pregnant before Watson, WHO IS A DOCTOR does.

These characterizations I have been talking about are very dominant through series 1 and 2, but then something curious happens on s3: without any warning or connection, the series starts acting like the characterizations of the UP have been the show's characterizations all along.

It begins with Sherlock's characterization; he's back and itching to see Watson, not realizing that he would have moved on in two years. Mycroft tries to warn him to break the news softly to him, but Sherlock doesn't understand; all he can think about is what a lark it will be to show up out of nowhere! There's no real meanness in it, just childish joy. This goes on through TsotT, with his anxieties about his speech, his difficulty to prepare and deliver it and following through the ceremonies, his surprise and emotion at being chosen as best man and called Watson's best friend, his promise to keep Mary safe and his efforts to save Watson in s4, and even his realization about Eurus' emotional needs in the series finale.

Not that the original ASIP characterization doesn't show up here and there again and again, through things like Sherlock's edgy comments about religion, his complete distraction and lack of attention at Rosie's baptism, his mysoginy and use of Jeaninne in HLV, etc.

Same happens with Watson. The narrative keeps doing its mockery thing, and will lay VERY THICK the whole "Watson is just an adrenaline junkie" with Mary's secret and how Watson married her because he's attracted to danger and that makes it all his fault somehow... it will also show Watson being bored by his job at the surgery. BUT the main storyline of the Sherlock-Watson relationship only makes sense through the UP characterization. It is, in fact, spelled out loud in TsotT: Sherlock solves puzzles, Watson saves lives. The back-cases of the episode show Watson being intelligent, competent, and helpful, specially as a doctor. Sherlock believes that he's been saved by Watson through their friendship. The case at the end is solved through both Watson's saving of lives and Sherlock's solving of puzzles (we are even shown that Watson has another friend! who is also a recluse!). Watson is at peace in his relationship with Harriet. We are even shown that Watson is secretly drinking more alcohol during his bachelor bender, to not disappoint Sherlock's calculations about his alcohol tolerance, and so "ruin" his fun and the work he put on it.

This goes on through HLV as well; Watson gets some PTSD flashbacks, then manages firmly and competently the "rescue" of Isaiah Whitley, and even shows some of that colder and a tad cruel side that was hinted in the UP. He has authority enough to make Mycroft leave when he tells him to. He's in on the plan to reveal Mary's past as a spy, and even later on is the one to suggest Sherlock puts a tracker on her before she drugs him and leaves, which shows both practicality and foresight. He even jokes with Lestrade about Sherlock being like a baby!

Even though The Abominable Bride only happens in Sherlock's mind and therefore doesn't really count towards Watson's characterization, it is worth noticing that in it Watson is so much more involved in monitoring and containing Sherlock's drug problem than he has proven to be till that point (sure, Watson got Molly to test him in HLV, but nothing came of it, and the treatment of the matter in TLD is even worse).

The only way to make some sense of The Six Thatchers and TLD, Watson-wise, is to play along with this idea of Watson as supremely practical, competent, and mature. His being rather checked out about Mary (he spends the whole morning (9 hours) of what seems to be one of his free days just proving with a balloon that Sherlock doesn't need him, while his wife is dealing with a very young baby, for example), and his emotional affair are to be understood not as part and parcel of the character we've seen through series 1 and 2, but as a moment of weakness of the character they say he is in s3.

It's not just the only way to understand not only his intense guilt, but the way the narrative tries to present the infidelity as "well, it is what it is, we are all human" down to Sherlock telling Watson that even Watson is human. That's not what Watson actually is, though, through most of the series. He's a callous, violent, horny idiot, which the narrative calls human, and that's the resolution of the opening scene of TLD about things being wrong and being able of calling them wrong. They are just what they are and we are all human.

The finale is all about Sherlock and Eurus, and so Watson's development ends here.

And the thing is, that I would have liked to see much more of the potential the characterizations in UP showed. That would have been an interesting dynamic. I think the casting of Martin Freeman for Watson was great, and that he elevates whatever he's in (yes, even The Hobbit movies), but was ultimately wasted, and for what?

Maybe it is that the BBC demanded those changes to bring in a lighter tone and comedic relief. Maybe they really wanted a sort of loose remix of House M.D. (which is what the Sherlock-Watson dynamic is most of the time in this show) instead of the Sherlock Holmes adaptation Mofftiss wanted to make. Maybe only after the show became wildly popular they were allowed to do what they wanted that way. But it was too little, too late, and mixed in with a steep decline of the quality of the writing of everything else.

Even within the limits of that generous reading of what happened, it is still stories they wrote and signed, where what could have been a compelling character with many interesting things to explore, from an actually accurate portrayal of PTSD (and not the "actually it is civilian life that is giving him PTSD because he's an adrenaline junkie, surprise!), and a war injury and physical disability being taken seriously, to his grounding role in Sherlock's life, a development of his deductive abilities, a more equal and complex relationship with Mary... we got an idiot whose function in the plot most of the time was narrative punchbag and high contrast to Sherlock's übermensch.

And that's such a pity.

[wahbegan]

I love Se7en but every time i think of John Doe i get irrationally angry. Seven deadly sins murders is a cool concept, and he managed to fuck up every single one of them.

Gluttony: A fat guy, very original. Fat people are everywhere, why this particular guy? He lived in a shithouse apartment, that he rarely ever left, all alone. Dude, by all counts, had a miserable life. There are chucklefuck foodies eating at fine restaurants, gnawing at three course meals with a price tag that could feed a hundred squawking mouths and then throwing the rest in the sewer because it wasn’t up to their standards and you picked a poor fat guy. A plus, you fucking idiot Greed: Yes, a lawyer, very clever. Except criminal defense lawyers don’t make the best money out of lawyers and do an integral service to the community. Get an ambulance chaser, one of those class-action dickheads who really screws their clients or a corporate lawyer it you must get a lawyer for fuck’s sake, but there are people richer and shittier than them Lust: A girl who committed the sin of hooking. Here let me define hooking real quick. Hooking, verb, informal. To have sex with PAYING customers for MONEY. If she wanted to have the sex that badly, she wouldn’t be charging for it, numbnuts. Kill the John. Better idea, kill any random rapist, you live in Rain City, Home of The Permanent Neo-Noir Filter and dudes who stab their mugging victims’ eyes out for fun, apparently, surely it can’t be that fucking difficult to find one. Sloth: The only one who definitely did deserve to die, and yet for the life of me i have no idea what the fuck the sin of Sloth has to do with his crimes. A drug-dealing pedophile? Great! Oh, you need a lust victim, why don’t you get him instead, dip-ass? Sloth. I know Sloth’s a hard sin to find someone who does it egregiously enough to kill them over, but come the fuck on Pride: Okay, have you ever actually spoken with a model? Models are the most put-upon women on Earth, any pride that they have a thin veneer over a lifetime of damage, insecurities, and self-objectification. Matter of fact, i’m not sure any woman is 100% qualified for the sin of Pride just cause of the (Joker voice) sOcIeTy we live in. In contrast, talk to literally any man at a bar. I guarantee it won’t take longer than 45 minutes to find a mark. Wrath and Envy: Okay, i guess doing yourself for Envy works? Got a long list of sins other than that, chief among them being a prize-winning fucking dumbass, but sure. And Wrath, a dirty cop quick to resort to violence! Excellent! Too bad you decided to get all Medieval and kill his family instead of him, accomplishing nothing. I know you think it proves out your stupid little philosophy, but did the Wrathful person stop existing? No? So it’s no fucking punishment, is it?

Fuck John Doe. Fucking ludicrous, that guy is an asshole. Follow for more fictional serial killer reviews

[melancholyandfrogs]

A Comprehensive Time Line of Harry Potter History

! this is all what I consider to be canon - some things might be inaccurate but I did the best research I could !

Let's start young- 993

Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is founded by Salazar Slytherin, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hufflepuff and Godric Gryffindor

Chamber of Secrets is made by Salazar Slytherin

Room of Requirement is made by Helga Hufflepuff

September - Peeves the Poltergeist is brought into existence by the energy of students at Hogwarts

1419

Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington is born

October 31st, 1492

Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington is killed in battle, and becomes Nearly Headless Nick, the ghost of Gryffindor

1598

Cuthbert Binns is born

1860

Cuthbert Binns dies while teaching at Hogwarts, and becomes a ghost while staying the Professor of History of Magic

1881

Albus Dumbledore is born

December 31st, 1926

Tom Marvolo Riddle is born to Thomas Riddle Senior and Merope Riddle (née Guant)

1928

Rubeus Hagrid is born to Fridwulgfa the Giantess and Hagrid Senior

October 4th, 1935

Minerva McGonagall is born to (muggle) Robert McGonagall and Isobel Ross

1942

Hagrid is expelled from Hogwarts after being blamed for bringing the 'monster' to Hogwarts the first time the Chamber of Secrets is opened, and becomes the groundskeeper

Tom Riddle becomes Voldemort

Jan 14th - Galahad Weasley is born Lieke Hugo and Geriant Weasley

June, 1943

Myrtle Warren is killed and becomes Moaning Myrtle

1946

Minerva McGonagall is sorted into Gryffindor

1950 - Arthur

February 6th - Arthur Weasley is born to Cedrella Weasley (née Black) and Septimus Weasley

March 31st - Edward "Ted" Tonks is born

Andromeda Black is born to Cygnus Black and Druella Black (née Rosier)

1951 - Molly

October 30th - Molly Prewett is born to Beatrix Prewett (née Davis) and Servius Prewett

Bellatrix Black is born to Cygnus Black and Druella Black (née Rosier)

1954

Lucius Malfoy is born to Belvina Malfoy (née Nott) and Abraxas Malfoy

The twins Gideon and Fabian Prewett are born to Beatrix Prewett (née Davis) and Servius Prewett

Minerva McGonagall graduates Hogwarts as head girl and beater

1955

Narcissa Black is born to Cygnus Black and Druella Black (née Rosier)

1958

Petunia Evans is born

Minerva McGonagall becomes Transfiguration professor at Hogwarts

1959 - Peter, Sirius

September 9th - Peter "Scabbers" Pettigrew is born

September 14th - Frank Longbottom is born to Augusta Longbottom (née Smethwick) and Geoffrey Longbottom

November 3rd - Sirius "Padfoot" Orion Black is born to Walburga Black (née Black-Crabbe) and Orion Black

December 19th - Pandora Lestrange is born

1960 - Snape, Lily, Remus, James

January 9th - Severus "Snivellus, Half-Blood Prince" Snape is born to Tobias Snape and (muggle) Eileen Prince

January 30th - Lily "Doe" Jade Evans is born

March 10th - Remus "Moony" John Lupin is born to Lyall and Hope Lupin

March 27th - James "Prongs" Fleamont Potter is born to Fleamont Potter and Euphemia Potter (née Greengrass)

April 2nd - Dorcas Meadowes is born

August 1st - Marlene McKinnon is born

August 16th - Alice Fortescue is born

October 31st - Aida Zabini is born

November 13th - Xenophilius Lovegood is born

Sorting Year - Pre-War 1961 - students born 1950-1951

Gryffindor: Arthur Weasley - beater, Molly Weasley

Hufflepuff: Ted Tonks

Slytherin: Andromeda Black

Lower Slytherin: Bellatrix Black - prefect

1961

Regulus Arcturus Black is born to Walburga Black (née Black-Crabbe) and Orion Black

Minerva McGonagall and Elphinstone Urquart are married

March 7th, 1965

Remus Lupin is attacked by Fenrir Greyback and becomes a werewolf

Sorting Year - First War 1965 - students born 1954-1955

Gryffindor: Gideon and Fabian Prewett - chasers

Slytherin: Lucius Malfoy

Lower Slytherin: Narcissa Black - head girl

1968

Bellatrix Black becomes a Death Eater, receives a dark mark

1969

June - Arthur Weasley and Molly Prewett are married, she comes Molly Weasley

Andromeda Black is disowned by the Black family for being courted by Ted Tonks, a muggleborn

1970 - Bill

Rodolphus Lestrange and Bellatrix Black get married, she becomes Bellatrix Lestrange

November 29th - William “Bill” Arthur Weasley is born to Arthur and Molly Weasley (née Prewett)

Sorting Year - Marauders 1971/1972 - students born 1959/1960/1961

Gryffindor: James Potter - chaser and head boy, Remus Lupin - prefect, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black - keeper, Lily Evans - head girl, Marlene McKinnon - chaser, Frank Longbottom, Alice Fortescue

Ravenclaw: Xenophilius Lovegood

Lower Ravenclaw: Pandora Lestrange

Slytherin: Severus Snape, Dorcas Meadowes - prefect, Aida Zabini

Lower Slytherin: Regulus Black - seeker, prefect

1972 - Charlie

Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and James Potter find out that Remus Lupin is a werewolf

Ted Tonks and Andromeda Black get married, she becomes Andromeda Tonks

James Potter becomes a chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team

December 12th - Charles “Charlie” Septimus Weasley is born to Arthur and Molly Weasley (née Prewett)

Regulus Black becomes a seeker for the Slytherin Quidditch team

The Marauder’s Map is made

Elphinstone Urquart dies of natural causes, leaving Minerva McGonagall a widow

1973 - Tonks

Nymphadora Vulpecula Tonks is born to Andromeda Tonks (née Black) and Ted Tonks

Sirius Black becomes a keeper for the Gryffindor Quidditch team

Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and James Potter become Animagus (Sirius a black dog, Peter a rat and James a deer) to accompany Remus Lupin during full moons safely

1974

September - Remus Lupin, Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon are made Gryffindor prefects, Dorcas Meadowes is made a Slytherin prefect

Lily Evans and James Potter kiss for the first time in 4th year after a game of truth and dare in the Gryffindor common room

1976 - Percy

April - Viktor Krum is born

Xenophilius Lovegood and Pandora Lestrange get married, she becomes Pandora Lovegood

James Potter is made a Gryffindor prefect

August 22nd - Percival "Percy" Ignatius Weasley is born to Arthur and Molly Weasley (née Prewett)

Lucius Malfoy becomes a Death Eater, receives a dark mark

November - Lily Evans finally confesses her love to James Potter in 6th year

1977 - Fleur

Fleur Delacour is born to (Veela) Apolline and Monsieur Delacour

June 30th - Delphini Naga is born to Bellatrix Lestrange (née Black) and Voldemort | Tom Riddle

July - Lily Evans and James Potter officially get together

Cedric Diggory is born to Douglas Diggory and his wife

October 30th - Angelina Johnson is born

1978 - Fred/George, Lee

Severus Snape becomes a Death Eater, receives a dark mark

April 1st - the twins Fredrick Gideon and George Fabian Weasley are born to Arthur Weasley and Molly Weasley (née Prewett)

Frank Longbottom and Alice Fortescue get married, she becomes Alice Longbottom

Lee Jordan is born

November - Lily Evans and Alice Longbottom find out that they’re pregnant, Lily Evans and James Potter move into Godric’s Hollow

Cho Chang is born

December - Fleamont Potter and Euphemia Potter (née Greengrass) get sick with Dragon Pox

Beatrix Prewett (née Davis) and Servius Prewett die fighting in the First Wizarding War, leaving their children orphans

1979 - Hermione, Seamus, Lavender

May - Fleamont Potter and Euphemia Potter (née Greengrass) die of Dragon Pox, leaving James Potter an orphan

Regulus Black dies to destroy a Horcrux via betraying Voldemort

September 19th - Hermione Jean Granger is born

September - Seamus Finnigan is born

September 21st - the twins Parvati and Padma Patil are born

Hannah Abbott is born to Gifford Abbott and his wife

November - Susan Bones is born and often watched by her aunt, Amelia Bones

Lavender Brown is born

Fabian Prewett dies fighting in the First Wizarding War

Dudley Dursley is born to Petunia Dursley (née Evans) and Vernon Dursley

1980 - Dean, Ron, Draco, Neville, Harry

January 7th - Dean Thomas is born

March 11th - Ronald "Ron" Bilius Weasley is born to Arthur Weasley and Molly Weasley (née Prewett)

Justin Finch-Fletchey is born

June 5th - Draco Lucius Malfoy is born to Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Malfoy (née Black)

June - Ernie MacMillan is born

July 1st - Theodore Tiberius Nott is born to Tiberius Nott and his wife

July 30th - Neville Longbottom is born to Frank Longbottom and Alice Longbottom (née Fortescue)

July 31st - Harry James Potter is born to James Potter and Lily Potter (née Evans)

August 28th - Pansy Parkinson is born

September 1st - Blaise Elias Zabini is born to Aida Zabini and Elias Knightly

1981 - Luna, Zach, Ginny

February 13th - Luna Elizabeth Lovegood is born to Xenophilius and Pandora Lovegood (née Lestrange)

March - Zacharias Hepzibah Smith is born, believed to be the heir of Hufflepuff

Colin Creevey is born

July - Marlene McKinnon and Dorcas Meadowes are killed fighting Death Eaters

August 11th - Ginevra “Ginny” Molly Weasley is born to Arthur Weasley and Molly Weasley (née Prewett)

November - Frank Longbottom and Alice Longbottom (née Fortescue) are tortured to insanity via Cruciatus Curse, Neville Longbottom goes to live with his grandmother Augusta Longbottom (née Smethwick)

Elias Knightly is killed mysteriously

Gideon Prewett dies fighting in the First Wizarding War, leaving his sister Molly Weasley (née Prewett) as the sole Prewett war survivor

October 31st, 1981

James Potter and Lily Potter (née Evans) are killed by Voldemort who breaks an unbreakable vow and is ripped apart and Harry Potter is orphaned

Sirius Black is imprisoned in Azkaban for his assumed crimes, the Weasley family takes in Scabbers

aftermath on November 3rd - Harry Potter is delivered on the doorstep of Petunia Dursley (née Evans) and Vernon Dursley

Sorting Year - Double Trouble 1983 - students born 1972-1973

Gryffindor: Charlie Weasley

Hufflepuff: Nymphadora Tonks

1985

Mateo Maximoff is born

1986

February 14th - Christabel Zabini is born to Aida Zabini and Paul Mitchell

July 30th - Gabrielle Apolline Delacour is born to (Veela) Apolline and Monsieur Delacour

Dennis Creevey is born

December - Paul Mitchell dies mysteriously

1987

Neville Longbottom’s uncle throws him out the window and his family confirms that he’s not a squib, due to him bouncing down the pavement

December 19th - Elaine Tyra Zabini is born to Aida Zabini and Tyson Conners

Sorting Year - Durms, Beauxs, Hogs 1987 - students born 1976-1977

H, Gryffindor: Percy Weasley - head boy, Oliver Woof - keeper and quidditch captain

B, Ombrelune: Fleur Delacour

D, Wolverine: Viktor Krum - seeker

D, Vulpelara: Athena Eliopoulos

Sorting Year - The Twins 1989 - students born 1978

Gryffindor: Fred and George Weasley - beaters, Angelina Johnson - keeper and team captain, Lee Jordan - quidditch announcer, Katie Bell - chaser, Adrian Pucey - chaser

Slytherin: Marcus Flint - team captain

Ravenclaw: Cho Chang - prefect

Hufflepuff: Cedric Diggory - prefect

1990

Tyson Conners dies mysteriously

Pandora Lovegood (née Lestrange) is killed by her own experiment in front of her daughter, Luna

September - Neville Longbottom buys Trevor the toad

October 30th - Lacey and Sable Zabini are born to Aida Zabini and Johnathan Taylor

Harry Potter talks to a snake at a zoo (believed to be Nagini), and traps his cousin Dudley Dursley and his friend Piers Polkiss behind glass accidentally

1991 (Philosopher's Stone)

Johnathan Taylor dies mysteriously

July 31st - Harry Potter buys Hedwig the snowy owl

July - Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy meet in Diagon Alley and Draco accidentally insults him, Hagrid buys him Hedwig the owl

August - Quirinus Quirrell becomes Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor and meets Harry Potter in Diagon Alley, who notes his 'stutter'. Hagrid informs Harry who Voldemort is

September - Dumbledore hides the Philosopher's Stone in Hogwarts, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter fight a Mountain Troll in a girl’s bathroom on the first floor

Harry Potter becomes a seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team

October - Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy have detention in the forbidden forest for being out of bed after curfew

November - Charlie Weasley breaks into Hogwarts to take Norbert the dragon to safety, who Hagrid had hatched

December 25th - Harry Potter gets James Potter’s invisibility cloak for Christmas from Albus Dumbledore, who previously had it

Sorting Year - Golden Trio 1991 - 1980

Gryffindor: Harry Potter - seeker, Neville Longbottom, Ron Weasley - keeper and prefect, Hermione Granger - head girl, Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigan - chaser, Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown

Slytherin: Draco Malfoy - seeker and head boy, Pansy Parkinson - prefect, Blaise Zabini - chaser, Theodore Nott - keeper, Daphne Greengrass

Hufflepuff: Justin Finch-Fletchy, Ernie McMillian - prefect, Susan Bones - prefect, Zacharias Smith - chaser, Wayne Hopkins - beater, Oliver Rivers

Ravenclaw: Terry Boot - beater, Padma Patil

1992 (Philosopher's Stone, Chamber of Secrets)

The Mirror of Erised is discovered by Harry Potter

April - Harry Potter kills Quirinus Quirrell with the Philosopher's Stone, releasing Voldemort’s spirit, who knocks him out

July - Dobby the House Elf tries to stop Harry Potter from going back to Hogwarts by stealing the letters Ron and Hermione send him

It's further revealed that the Dursley's are abusive to Harry Potter

 August 3rd - Ron, Fred and George Weasley rescue Harry Potter from the Dursleys

Cedric Diggory becomes a Hufflepuff Prefect

September 1st - Harry Potter and Ron Weasley take a flying car to Hogwarts after missing the train and crash into the Whomping Willow, Ginny is given Tom Riddle’s diary by Lucius Malfoy

Gilderoy Lockhart becomes Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor

Draco Malfoy becomes a seeker for the Slytherin Quidditch team

Theodore Nott becomes a keeper for the Slytherin Quidditch team

October 8th - Penelope Clearwater is petrified through her mirror

October 30th - Mrs. Norris is petrified

Hermione Granger makes a polyjuice potion with Milicent Bulstrone, Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe’s hair for her, Harry and Ron but Millicent’s hair is actually her cats and Hermione’s potion goes wrong

December 18th - Nearly Headless Nick and Justin Finch-Fletchey are petrified together

December 20th - Colin Creevey is petrified through his camera

December 23rd - Hermione Granger is petrified holding a piece of paper containing basilisk information (believed to be given to her by Draco Malfoy)

Sorting Year - Silver Trio 1992 - students born 1981

Gryffindor: Ginny Weasley - chaser, Colin Creevey - photographer

Slytherins: Astoria Greengrass - prefect

Ravenclaw: Luna Lovegood

1993 (Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban)

May - Ginny Weasley is saved from the Chamber of Secrets, Harry Potter kills the Basilisk

July  1st - Tiberius Nott is arrested in connection with Death Eaters while Theodore Nott is still in school

Remus Lupin is hired as Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher

July - Sirius Black breaks out of Azkaban as an Animagus

Dumbledore gives Hermione Granger a time-tuner to complex more classes per semester

Buckbeak the Hippogriff attacks Draco Malfoy for accidentally insulting him

August 31st - Hermione Granger buys Crookshanks the half-Kneazle (believed to previously have been the Potter's cat

September - Remus Lupin and Harry Potter meet on the train, is saved from a Demetor attack

Sirius Black and Harry Potter meet, revealing Remus Lupin as a werewolf and Peter Pettigrew as Scabbers (the Weasley family rat) and the true traitor

Buckbeak the Hippogriff is saved by Hermione Granger and Harry Potter, who traveled back in time user her time turner, he, in turn, saves them from the transformed werewolf, Remus Lupin

Sirius Black escapes with Buckbeak the Hippogriff and keeps in touch with Harry Potter, his god-son

Remus Lupin confronts Dumbledore and quits his job

1994 (Goblet of Fire)

February 24th - The Triwizard Champions are Chosen: Cedric Diggory of Hogwarts and Hufflepuff, Fleur Delacour of Beauxbaton and Ombrelune, Viktor Krum of Durmstrang and Wolverine, and finally (incorrectly) Harry Potter of Hogwarts and Gryffindor

Cedric Diggory and Cho Chang are believed to start dating

1995

Monsieur Delacour dies

Fleur Delacour graduates from Beauxbatons

Fleur Delacour moves in with Bill Weasley

1995 (Goblet of Fire, Order of the Phoenix)

June 24, Battle at the Graveyard - Cedric Diggory is killed, Voldemort | Tom Riddle is revived and Peter Pettigrew looses an arm

August 18th - Harry Potter is tortured by Dolores Umbridge, gets a scar on his hand that says “I must not tell lies”

September - Dolores Umbridge becomes Headmistress of Hogwarts

October - The Room of Requirement is exposed

November - Dumbledore’s Army is created, Umbridge creates the Inquisitorial Squad

December 18th - Arthur Weasley is attacked at the Ministry of Magic by Nagini, survives and spends his recovery at St. Mungo's

Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks get together

1996 - Teddy

April 28th - "Teddy" Edward Remus Lupin is born to Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin

1996 (Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince)

February - Dolores Umbridge finds the Room of Requirement with the help of the Inquisitorial Squad via Draco Malfoy having his peers use Polyjuice potion

Divinations Professor Sybille Trelawney is fired by Dolores Umbridge, Minerva McGonagall offers her sanctuary at Hogwarts despite not having liked her in previous books

June 27th, Battle at Ministry of Magic - Sirius Black is thrown into the void, Ron Weasley is hexed and gets permanent damage on his arms

Sirius Black dies from the void

October 12 - Katie Bell is tortured under the Imperius Curse via Madam Rosmerta of Three Broomsticks, under the Imperius Curse via Draco Malfoy at the order of Death Eaters

December - Lucius Malfoy is arrested in connection with Death Eaters

1997

Viktor Krum and Athena Eliopoulos get married, she becomes Athena Krum

Katie Bell and Evan II Rosier officially get together

August - It's believed that Draco Malfoy is bitted by Fenrir Greyback instead of receiving the dark mark as a way to punish his parents

1997 (Half-Blood Prince, Deathly Hallows)

June 30th, Battle of the Astronomy Tower - Albus Dumbledore is killed by Severus Snape with the Death Eaters being under the impression Draco Malfoy killed him, Bill Weasley is mauled by Greyback, Harry uses Sectumsempra on Draco Malfoy, leaving him with permanent scars that Severus Snape heals alongside Madam Pomfrey

July 27th, Battle of the Seven Potters - George Weasley loses his ear via Sectumsempra cast by Severus Snape, Alistair "Mad-Eye" Moody and Hedwig are killed in battle

August 1st - Fleur Delacour and Bill Weasley get married, she becomes Fleur Weasley

Luna Lovegood, Dean Thomas, Garrick Ollivander and Griphook kidnapped and taken to Malfoy Manor

September - Xenophilius Lovegood betrays Harry, Hermione and Ron to the Death Eaters to try and save Luna's life, they go on the run instead of going to Hogwarts

Sorting Year - Rebellion Generation 1996/1997 - students born 1985/1986

Gryffindor: Dennis Creevey

Slytherin: Elaine Zabini - chaser

Upper Slytherin: Christabel Zabini, Mateo Maximoff - seeker

1998

March - Peter Pettigrew is killed by Voldemort

Ted Tonks dies while escaping Death Eaters who kidnap loyal followers of Dumbledore and muggleborn's

Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan get together officially

June - Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil get together officially

Katie Bell and Evan II Rosier get married, she becomes Katie Rosier

1998 (Deathly Hallows)

April - Hermione Granger is tortured by Bellatrix Lestrange at Malfoy Manor, leaving a scar on her neck (or the word mudblood on her wrist)

October 14th - Fred Weasley and Lee Jordan create and run Potterwatch, Ron Weasley abandons the hunt for Horcruxes from effect of being around the Horcruxes they've already found

November 4th - Ron Weasley comes back to the hunt

Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley officially get together

May 2, 1998

Severus Snape is killed by Voldemort

Lavender Brown is mauled by Fenrir Greyback (believed to live)

During the battle there are casualties: Fred Weasley, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Colin Creevey, Vincent Crabbe, Bellatrix Lestrange (née Black), Fenrir Greyback among fifty others

Ron Weasley breaks the silence curse cast by Voldemort at the defense of Harry Potter

Historically, Draco Malfoy throws Harry Potter back his wand

Neville Longbottom kills Nagini (the last Horcrux) and defeats Voldemort

1999

Hannah Abbot and Neville Longbottom officially get together

November 15th - Victoire Molly Weasley is born to Bill Weasley and Fleur Weasley (née Delacour)

Percy Weasley and Audrey Fairfax get married, she becomes Audrey Weasley

Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley officially get together

2000

October - Elaine Zabini becomes a chaser for the Slytherin Quidditch team

Neville Longbottom and Hannah Abbott get married, she becomes Hannah Longbottom

Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger get married, she becomes Hermione Weasley

2001

Susan Bones and Ernie Macmillan get married, she becomes Susan Macmillan

May 10th - Rebecca Molly Weasley is born to Percy Weasley and Audrey Weasley (née Fairfax)

Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil get married, they become the Brown-Patil’s

Mateo Maximoff becomes a seeker for the Slytherin Quidditch team

November 3rd - Nicolas Evan Rosier is born to Katie and Evan Rosier (née Bell)

Neville Longbottom and Hannah Abbott get married, she becomes Hannah Longbottom

2002 - Fred II

George Weasley and Angelina Johnson get married, she becomes Angelina Weasley

Ginny Weasley becomes a professional Quidditch player with the Holyhead Harpies

January 3rd - Fred Angelo Weasley is born to George Weasley and Angelina Weasley (née Johnson)

April 24th - Jake Arthur Weasley is born to Percy Weasley and Audrey Weasley (née Fairfax)

Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley get married, she becomes Ginny Potter

July 24th - Mavis Poppy Longbottom is born to Hannah Longbottom (née Abbott) and Neville Longbottom

November 21st - Florenz Apollo Krum is born to Viktor Krum and Athena Krum (née Eliopolous)

2003 - Dominique, James II

Luna Lovegood and Rolf Scamander officially get together

February 1st - Dominique Gabrielle Weasley is born to Bill Weasley and Fleur Weasley (née Delacour)

Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan get married, he becomes Seamus Thomas

September 18th - James Sirius Potter is born to Harry Potter and Ginny Potter (née Weasley)

2004 - Roxanne

January 29th - Irene Hannah Macmillan is born to Susan Macmillan (née Bones) and Ernie Macmillan

February 4th - Roxanne Olivia Weasley is born to George and Angelina Weasley (née Johnson)

Dennis Creevey and Elaine Zabini officially get together

Gabrielle Delacour and Mateo Maximoff officially get together

October 25th - Lucas Karter Rosier is born to Katie Rosier (née Bell) and Evan Rosier

Draco Malfoy and Astoria Greengrass get married, she becomes Astoria Malfoy

2005 - Rose, Albus

January 20th - Rose Minerva Granger is born to Hermione Weasley (née Granger) and Ron Weasley

February 21st - Alice Ginevra Longbottom is born to Neville Longbottom and Hannah Longbottom (née Abbott)

May 3rd - the twins Lorcan Arthur and Lysander Rowan Scamander to Rolf Scamander and Luna Lovegood

June 1st - Lee Avery is born to George Weasley and Angelina Weasley (née Johnson)

July 23rd - Cooper Ronald Thomas is born to Seamus Thomas (née Finnigan) and Dean Thomas

August 5th - Albus Severus Potter are born to Harry Potter and Ginny Potter (née Weasley)

2006 - Scorpius

Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy is born to Draco Malfoy and Astoria Malfoy (née Greengrass)

July 12th - The twins Ellie Audrey and Luciana Mia Weasley are born to Percy Weasley and Audrey Weasley (née Fairfax)

Daniel Greengrass is born to Daphne Greengrass and Oliver Rivers

Melissa Goyle is born to Gregory Goyle and Millicent Bulstrode

2007 - Caliban/Ciar, Lily

February 18th - the twins Caliban Basil and Ciar Mauritius Brown-Patil are born to Lavender and Parvati Brown-Patil

April 2nd - Lily Luna Potter is born to Harry Potter and Ginny Potter (née Weasley)

Sorting Year - Next Gen 2007 - students born 1996/1997/1998

Gryffindor: Teddy Lupin - beater, Nate Riley -beater

Lower Ravenclaw: Victoire Weasley - seeker and prefect

2008

October 21st - Justin Zacharias Macmillan is born to Susan and Ernie Macmillan (née Bones)

Lucas Goyle is born to Gregory Goyle and Millicent Bulstrode

Mateo Maximoff and Gabrielle Delacour get married, she becomes Gabrielle Maximoff

2009 - Carmen

April 13th - the twins Marcos Draco and Carmen Blair Parkinson are born to Pansy Parkinson and her partner (believed by some to be Blaise Zabini)

July 11th - Louis William Weasley is born to Bill Weasley and Fleur Weasley (née Delacour)

August 10th - Hugo Charlie Weasley is born to Hermione Weasley (née Granger) and Ron Weasley

2010

September 3rd - the twins Mateo William II and Crystalia Fleur Maximoff are born to Gabrielle Maximoff (née Delacour) and Mateo Maximoff

2012

Rodolphus Lestrange dies in Azkaban

October 5th - Natalia Mattea Maximoff are born to Gabrielle Maximoff (née Delacour) and Mateo Maximoff

Sorting Year - Next Gen 2012/2013 - students born 2001/2002

Upper Gryffindor: Rebecca Weasley -prefect, Nicolas Rosier

Gryffindor: Fred Weasley - team captain

Ravenclaw: Ignatius Finch-Fletchley - chaser, Olivia Moon

Upper Hufflepuff: Tyler Davis

2014

Viktor Krum retires after a gnarly defeat

Sorting Year - Next Gen 2014/2015 - students born 2003/2004

Gryffindor: James Potter - keeper and prefect, Dominique Weasley - prefect

Lower Gryffindor: Roxanne Weasley - beater and prefect, Cassiopeia Entwhistle

Slytherin: Emmett Montague - beater

Lower Slytherin: Megara Bishopper

Lower Ravenclaw: Lucas Rosier, Emma Vane

Lower Hufflepuff: Irene Macmillan - prefect

2014

Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley officially get together

Sorting Year - Next Gen 2016/2017 - students born 2005/2006

Gryffindor: Lee Weasley - quidditch announcer, Cooper Thomas

Lower Gryffindor: Ellie Weasley -prefect

Slytherin: Scorpius Malfoy, Albus Potter

Lower Slytherin: Luciana Weasley - beater, Melissa Goyle

Ravenclaw: Rose Granger - keeper and head girl

Lower Ravenclaw: Daniel Greengrass -chaser, Lysander and Rowan Scamander - beaters

Hufflepuff: Alice Longbottom -prefect

Sorting Year - Young Next Gen 2018/2019 - students born 2007/2008

Upper Gryffindor: Lily Potter - beater, Ciar Brown-Patil

Upper Ravenclaw: Caliban Brown-Patil - prefect

Hufflepuff: Justin Macmillan, Victoria Sommertime

Slytherin: Lucas Goyle

Sorting Year - New Gen 2020/2021 - students born 2009/2010

Upper Gryffindor: Hugo Granger

Upper Slytherin: Marcos and Carmen Parkinson - prefects

Ravenclaw: Mateo Maximoff II -seeker, prefect

Upper Hufflepuff: Louis Weasley

Hufflepuff: Crystalia Maximoff

Sorting Year - Young New Gen 2022/2023 - students born 2011/2012

Gryffindor: Natalia Maximoff- beater

Upper Slytherin: Colin Creevey Jr - chaser

2022

Scorpius Potter and Rose Granger officially get together

Lucianna Weasley and Cooper Thomas officially get together

2023

Lily Potter and Lysander Lovegood officially get together

Everything else is up to your imagination!

Let me know if you all want me to put together the most comprehensive family tree that I can for all the characters I know!

[soliti]

SOLITI 2023: THE END OF YEAR LISTS

Triani from Soliti

The Good Times Lovely Soliti releases from Ghosts on TV, Juppe, Stinako and Knife Girl.

Old Music Ennio Morricone – Quando l’amore e Sensualita Beach Boys – Friends George Michael – Older Felt discography The Songs of Bacharach and Costello was on constant rotation (my fave reissue of the year.) Teardrop Explodes – Culture Bunker box set Lana Del Ray – Norman Fucking Rockwell Rip Rig & Panic – I Am Cold Plush – More You Becomes You Neil Young – Chrome Dreams Stevie Wonder – Fulfilling His First Finale Joan Baez – Blessed Are Paul Weller – 22 dreams Sault discography Velvet Underground – Loaded Thelonious Monk – Straight, No Chaser Arthur Russell – Picture of Bunny Rabbit David Sylvian discography

New Music I didn’t think this year offered much until I put this list together. It’s been quietly fabulous.

Lana Del Ray – Did you know that there’s a tunnel under Ocean Blvd Kara Jackson – Why Does The Earth Give Us People To Love? Robert Forster – The Candle And The Flame SAZ – SOS Feist – Multitudes King Krule – Space Heavy Christine and the Queens – PARANOÏA, ANGELS, TRUE LOVE Overmono – Good Lies Ryuichi Sakamoto – 12 The Lemon Twigs – Everything Harmony John Cale – Mercy Bar Italia – Tracey Denim Sufjan Steven – Javelin Wilco – Cousin Sparklehorse – Bird Machine Amanda Brown – Eight Guitars Durand Jones – Wait Til I Get Over Lil Yachty – Let’s Start Here. Beach Fossils – Bunny ANHONI – My Back Was a Bridge For You To Cross Lankum – False Lankum Mitski – The Land Is Inhospitable and So Are We El Michels Affair & Black Thought – Glorious Game

Best tracks Everything But The Girl – Nothing Left To Lose Dexys – My Submission Lana Del Rey – A&W

Devendra Banhart – Sirens Kara Jackson – no fun/party Knife Girl – Estrogen Felt – Primitive Painters

TV, films books The Bear (TV series) The Last of Us (TV series) Mrs Davis (TV Series) The Last Movie Stars (TV Series) Welcome to Wrexham (TV Series) Dirty Harry movie box set (all five movies) Richard Jewell (Film) Crimes oF The Future (Film) Barbie vs Oppenheimer (loved both of these) The Exorcist (Film) Love to Love You, Donna Summer (documentary) Quentin Tarantino – Cinema Speculation (Book) Dylan Jones – Loaded: The Life (and Afterlife) of the Velvet Underground (Book) Alan Moore/Jacen Burrows – Neonomicon (Book) Collected Judge Dredd (Books) Sight & Sound (magazine) The Guardian (online) The Quietus (online)

This is a good thing My family and home life. It’s still my favourite place to be. Football in all its gross financial injustices, still remains a truly entertaining, all welcoming spectacle – a break from our  realities. I spent a lot of my days obsessed with the beautiful game. My own team Tottenham’s reimagining as a team for the neutral under Ange Postecoglou. I’ve had a serious post-covid hangover about going out; crowds and especially going to concerts. But still this year I managed to catch a few shows. John Cale and Knife Girl at the Helsinki Festival was very special. Elvis Costello at Kulttuuritalo was a great way to spend an evening – I didn’t really want it to end (and this was also a rare date with my partner!) Emma Ruth Rundle, Sorry, Jake Xerxes Fussell were good festival experiences. I’m an eternal optimist with dreams that we can all get along, people can be who they wanna be and somehow humanity pulls together to save the planet. My dream state staves off the dark feelings that are increasingly hard to ignore.

This is a low The Israel demolition of Palestine in response to Hamas atrocities is a key world happening which will resonate for decades to come. British Conservatives and all right wing ideologues who – in collusion with the mainstream media – spend most of their time demonising refugees and the trans community. The public discussion around minorities in Finland is base and inhumane. This right-wing Finnish government has been a hard dose of reality that has sprung many of us out of our comfort zones. The casual racism of the Finnish government has normalised terminology that should offend everyone. Disgraceful. The lack of a moral compass or compassion in world politics – who exactly are the good guys? I hope someone could point out who’s looking out for us all nowadays? Elon Musk and the destabilising of Twitter. He just couldn’t leave it alone could he? The unstoppable rise of AI. It’s a slow process (or maybe a fast one) that results in the death of a certain kind of creativity. Hearing that some people in the Music business are using AI to write press releases is a little sad. The Saudi exploitation of football.  It doesn’t stop. How long till the whole of football is owned by Saudi Arabia? The Vinyl market  becoming an expensive artefact for the wealthy. In typical Music Industry fashion, the vinyl format becomes revitalised only for the music industry to make the price prohibitive for most people. Own goals are rarely clearer.

Future To be a better me.

Happy holidays x

[davekat-sucks]

i don’t mind the lesbian vriska headcanon as long as people know it isn’t canon because she use to date tavros and has a crush on john and i don’t know about anyone else but how could vriska be a canon lesbian if she dated men? last time i checked lesbians don’t like men

Bisexuality does not exist, according to modern fandom. Because once a bisexual CHOOSES one of the genders, he/she either becomes straight or gay. People only say Vriska is a lesbian because of the flash [S] Remember where a different Vriska ends up being with Terezi. Even if it's an alternate one from a different timeline, people assume that she and living Vriska would both be the same, despite both girls doing their own thing. It's almost the same kind of mistake that people mistaken Dad Crocker as Dad Egbert, when they are separate people. The nu-fandom wants to ignore the fact that she had a crush on guys. Repressing hard about her sexually harassing a lower class boy who she purposely made him physically disabled, to a point that an old writer at WhatPumpkin labeled him as a chaser in a spin-off material that she wrote and took part of, that people love it because it made someone's stupid wish of her being trans. So her breaking a peasant's legs, harassing him, and using his powers to blind someone else, was justified because he was a pervert.

[andromerot]

mabel, episode fourteen: legacy. in which all bonds are strained against

ILLNESS also my dad talks like this to me too its funny...but yeah. either way you're trapped. they're both trapped.

girls when ..gir. nfnn m. .. ough. also i think don't you see how cruel it is to be god is better than the script

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW WHO UNDERSTANDS HOW TO CARE FOR A THING UGH UGH UGH

the fucking money the salary the. i hate her i hate her i hate her anna limon is not the sly serving girl anna limon is the king of the underworld

its not even sally who has her hooks on anna. its not even her. and anna still thinks its about her. anna you were already tied to this place before all this you just said it anna. anna.

but hear me out dont you think john way is a particular name. the court of crooked paths? dont you think the firm chaser and park could have been made up? its a funny name, hunting dogs and green fields. do you think this is the courts doing, not sallys?? well it doesnt matter. just an idea

burning the house.... burning the house....

ON THE SUBJECT OF FATAL TRANSFORMATION.

I AM THERE IN HER ROOM I AM BRUSHING HER HAIR SHE IS WARM IN MY HANDS SHE DOES NOT TRANSFORM INTO A TREE OR A SNAKE OR A BURNING BRANCH SHE DOES NOT CALL ME DISGUSTING SHE DOES NOT SLAP MY FACE I AM BRUSHING HER HAIR. I AM BRUSHING HER HAIR.

oh anna....anna...the doors the doors.

the honey does make a difference though. anna you know why dont pretend you don't already know what mabel tastes like

it really is very romeo and juliet. they will spend a big while going back and forth between life and death with much misunderstanding and error in the way. plus i think romeo and juliets whole deal was at least a little bit due to lesbodrama

killing herself to forever alter the trajectory of her own life

thus with a kiss she does die !!! she does

[redridcr]

@lathal wanted to make friends through a meme and then Tumblr ate it - still accepting!!

Send ✨ and I will list 3-4 of  my muses that you have NOT interacted with before

TOLK - My original Inquisitor. He is a simple apostate mage now, if the plot doesn’t call for him to be in a position of power. Tolk was dismissed from his clan long ago and does not keep long term company; he is a solo traveler. He is friendly though spacey, and not strict on social etiquette between any race. Storm chaser and star surveyor. He is the main reason Charlie and the others are put on the path to Skyhold. Tolk obsessively maps out directions through constellations and knows the way of the world. Limber and lanky, shoulders slouch down. Tolk, of course, is a friend of Red’s and ( though Red does not know it ), had a run in with a younger Charlie Howard and John Pollard years ago. Tolk and Red will trade, and this is how Red gets rare pressed flowers & plant cuttings. Tolk is mainly a lightening centric mage - quick and clean death to the heart. He has spent his traveling time learning how to tame lightening as it dances down from the sky ; a thrilling drive of ultimate, organic power. 40 something and looks younger than he is due to his detachment from the dreaded world.

THE SIREN - She is as she sounds. An aquatic man ( or whoever ) eater. Prefers the well rounded warrior type like Brindleback. She will pretend to be a drowned maiden in order to catch her prey ( they’ll be blessed with a blurry sight of brilliant shimmering scales on a long mermaid tail as they’re being drown ). Red was caught by her once and then thrown back to shore once she realized how small he was. She is not well adapted in the common tongue but understands the concept of trade well enough ; you give me something, I’ll give you something. Red will offer her up a small mammal or game, and she’ll press a pretty stone or pearl into his palm. The Siren will go more dormant when the cold season hits and Red wanders her way in the thick of snow to make sure her eggs are still protected, overwintering for the warmer hatching season.

WARDEN BRINDLEBACK - Ohhh god I’m gonna keep this short because I could go ON about the Brindleback family. Once Robrecht Brindleback. Now a scorned and bastardized son that has been scratched off and erased from a tall family tree. Warden Brindleback now. Companion to the Hero of Ferelden and trying to keep his wits about him during the Inquisition. His final duty. Could aid as a father figure. However, after the sky is stitched together, Brindleback plans to go to the Deep Roads and battle to his death. He wants it to be over. If romanced, he’ll live another 6 - 10 decent years before the Blight takes him.

[zalgoid]

Creepypasta name, age, sexuality, and pronoun HCs cause I'm ✨unoriginal✨

Jeff tk: Jeffery Cain Franklin, 53 , Straight (also probably homophobic), Cis man He/him

Jane TK: Jeanette Leona Richardson, 41 , Lesbian, Cis woman She/her

Lou: Louis Victor Hodek, 38, heterosexual, Trans man He/him (uh this is random but to explain him and Jeff's age gap and them having different last names I actually hc Lou as Jeff's brother-in-law, Lou married Jeffs sister who Jeff is 13 years older then)

Nina tk: Nina Lee Franklin, 19, Demi/Omniromantic asexual, Demigirl They/She

EJ: Edom Jackson Rozhdestvenskyy, 28, Demiromantic Grey ace/bisexual, Nonbinary They/them

Ben: Benjamin Louis Michaels, 15 (forever, would be 27 if he could age) Heterosexual defiantly a straight ally, Cis boy He/him

Toby: Tobias Andrew Rodriguez, 23, Heterosexual bi wife energy tho, Cis man He/him

Kate the chaser: Katharine June Milensbuerg, 25, dead ass tobys bi wife, Cis woman She/her

Jason ttm: Jason Franklin Myers, ???, Grey aromantic Bisexual, Cis man He/him

LJ: ??? (Idk I was thinking John/Jane Doe but . . .), ???, Demiromantic asexual, Agender Any pronouns

Clockwork: Natalie May Oullete, 19, Lesbian, Trans woman She/they