#continue to educate yourself and talk about issues and keep it in discussion

[kabutone]

people are so shocked when they learn about the absolute depravity of the world thats right in front of them. not that its Good to be desensitized to horrific shit but like i am not surprised. every new bad news thing that comes out i am not surprised. yes, they will ignore death. they will let you die without a second thought. i'm sorry you are only just now learning this.

[jcinkbabble]

Yo Fox. Are you done now?

TW for self harm/suicide urges and alcoholism. If you can't handle that, please don't read.

There is a painful irony in making a blog like this, in order to call out the harassment campaigns harming people offline, only to be targeted by one myself. The past 24 hours have been pretty educational on just how people react to attempts to change things.

I think this ask perfectly exemplifies it. After a barrage of hate on Tattler, the messages in my inbox, and the asks I've gotten in less than 12 hours, I think making me "done" was the point.

But I am, yes, because after tonight, I need to put the people around me first.

I still believe in a space like this. I still believe in positivity, in change, in doing good. However, the result of just 12 hours was me almost breaking my sobriety. There are bottles of alcohol downstairs right now that I want, that would numb the pain of this. But I am almost 2 years sober, and I fought to stay this way, so I will. The result of the past 12 hours is me remembering where every knife is in this house, and knowing what I could do with them. But I swore off self harm years ago, so many I've lost track, and I won't break that now. And finally, the result of the last 12 hours is knowing exactly how many ways I could kill myself, so no one in this house would have the ability to save me.

To the people sending me threats, wishes of harm, and gleeful desires that I suffer... Y'all are just not okay, are you? I know that pain. I remember being on top of the world, the one doing the hurting, the accusations. It felt good. It made the pain I felt go away, but only when I won. So I had to keep "winning". Which, really translates to just hurting people. Over and over and over until everyone's scared of me, and I feel powerful.

Then I realized that's a shitty fucking high to chase, and all.

I know I made myself a target. I did this to myself. I have no problem accepting that. I'm stubborn, headstrong, and want to make a change for good. I believe honest discussion can make positive change. I still do believe that, but I'm not gonna sit here and continue to let myself and others be harmed for that change.

Yes, anon, I am done now. I know you feel proud of this. I know this is a victory for you. You never really understood that I was never unreachable. You saw me in IC. You knew me. You could have messaged me, talked to me. You could have approached me with your concerns, your frustrations, any response to anything I've said. You chose Tattler, then acted like you had no choice but to sling hate there and in my inbox. Like I made you do that.

But I can tell you right now, not a single one of you has ever approached me about the things said on Tattler tonight, or in my inbox. My first and only intro to the issues an anon stranger has with me, were hate. Hate vitriolic enough to put me on the phone with a crisis line, hate vitriolic to make someone who has endured quite a bit of trauma, flinch this hard. I'm pretty sturdy, but tonight reminded me of the power of hate. Of malice, of gleefully inflicting pain.

You didn't want anything but to drive me - someone you've never interacted with - off the internet and keep Tattler open. I hope you can admit it to yourself. And maybe ask why you chose that route.

I have people relying on me offline. As much as I love the idea of this blog, and want to change things, I can't put them on the backburner for it. And I can't risk my own mental health like this, because they rely on me. Like I told someone else recently, don't stick your hand on the hot stove. You know you're just going to be burned. It's not worth it.

Maybe this blog will make a comeback. Maybe not. Who knows? Maybe some of y'all will make your own, and do a hell of a lot better than I ever did. But if you wanted to make me ashamed, scared, and small, I'm sorry. You failed.

I'm not ashamed. I'm not afraid of you. And if you want to talk to me, I'm right here. Fox Lokison, friends. Come have a chat. I'll still be around, chatting about things. But you'll have to come off anon to actually reach me.

I've posted the last of the positive asks so y'all can reblog and interact with them, because I feel like they're discussions worth having. The people coming here to do good should get their chance at being heard. Turning off anon asks now, though. For all the decent asks, there's multiple bad ones.

To Tattler - your blog has hurt a lot of people. And while I know some of your followers think it's deserved, tonight I almost took my life over the crime of opening a blog criticizing your blog, because of the hate you allowed on your platform, and the people coming from it, into my inbox. I do wonder what crime would have deserved that end. I wonder what you'll do if your blog does push someone past the threshold.

Let's hope none of us find out.

[llycaons]

just curious from the post about fanfic to published work, what are the wx fics you would consider buying if they were ever published? 👀 are they in your rec page? i really need more high quality wx fics to read 😭 thanks!

Hi, anon! Thanks for the ask. Before I answer - you may have heard already, but this is the third day of the global strike for Palestine in an effort to end Israel's bombardment of the besieged Gaza, which has already killed nearly 30,000 people and is projected to kill even more through intentional disease and starvation, not to mention those uncounted and lost under the rubble as health systems are systematically destroyed. Over a million people have been displaced, food is critically low, and this all in a population that's over half children. Bisan Owda, a Palestinian journalist living through and documenting this genocide, has made an urgent call to action on the international community to strike this week in the following ways to support a permanent ceasefire: (x, x, x, x)

skip school and call out from work, if possible (but if you can't, you can still show support)

buy as little as possible in order to keep the economy unstimulated (necessities only)

continue to adhere to the BDS (boycott/divestment/sanctions) list (for most people it's most relevant to avoid Israeli fruit and vegetables - including Sabra brand hummus)

keep social media posting limited to support and discussion of Palestinian issues. the hasgtag #ceasefirenow seems to be the most widely used right now, but I've also seen #free palestine, #from the river to the sea, and #free gaza boost Palestinian voices, share footage of what's happening, follow Palestinians on soc med (Bisan's instagram)

not strictly part of the strike, but if you're unfamiliar, I encourage you to educate yourself about Palestine, including myths, the reasons behind the Oct 7 Hamas operation, the rights of Palestinians to revolt, and, the past and ongoing war crimes committed by Israel - including bombing areas it declared safe, chemical warfare, abducting, stripping, and torturing civilian men, burying hospital patients alive, murdering journalists, often along with their entire families, and execution-style mass murders of unarmed civilians (more x, x, x), not to mention Israel's close involvement with apartheid and genocides in other parts of the world

be visibly in support of Palestine - wear pins, patches, go to events and demonstrations (2024 protest calendar, Find a Protest to Stop Gazan Genocide)

talk to your family and friends about Palestine. Palestine Toolkit is a great starting point for responding to zionist arguments

if your government is supporting Israel, apply pressure through emails, calls, and demonstrations

buy eSims for Gaza! since the internet has been cut off multiple times by the occupying Israeli army, eSims are the only way many people can keep contact with their displaced family members and the outside world (and record/upload footage of what's happening to them)

you can also donate for food, medical aid, hygiene products, and for entire families to evacuate Gaza (x, x, x, x, x, x, x)

make art in support of Palestine

From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be Free!

I hope to see you joining the strike, anon! I'll answer your question next week, but this blog will be a Palestine-focused zone until the 28th, and afterwards I will still be posting and reblogging regular updates and information.

[thenextchapter123]

Sparking Change: Empowering Voices for Social Justice

Hey Tumblr fam! 👋 Let's take a moment to talk about something that's not just a trend, but a vital part of shaping the world we want to live in. Yep, you guessed it – social justice. 🌍✊

🔥 Ignite Awareness: Share, Reblog, Educate!

We're all in this together, so let's use our platform to amplify important voices. Share those posts that open eyes, tug at heartstrings, and spread awareness. Remember, every reblog can create a ripple effect of change.

💬 Speak Up, Speak Loud: Your Voice Matters

Whether it's a text post, a GIF set, or an art piece, let your voice be heard. Speak up about issues that matter to you. Stand tall against inequality, discrimination, and injustice. This is our digital megaphone – let's use it to make some noise for what's right!

🤝 Build Bridges: Unity Over Division

Social justice isn't just about pointing out what's wrong; it's also about building bridges. Engage in respectful discussions, learn from diverse perspectives, and remember that empathy is our superpower. We're all unique pieces of the puzzle, and together, we create the big picture of change.

📚 Knowledge is Power: Educate Yourself and Others

The journey towards social justice begins with understanding. Dive into the literature, documentaries, and stories that shed light on history and current struggles. Share what you learn – let's turn our dashboards into hubs of education and enlightenment.

🌈 Intersectionality Matters: Embrace Diversity

We're all part of a beautiful tapestry of identities, experiences, and backgrounds. Intersectionality reminds us that we can't fight for justice without acknowledging the unique challenges faced by different communities. Let's stand together, united in our quest for equality.

🌟 The Journey Never Ends: Keep Pushing Forward

Remember, the journey towards social justice is ongoing. It's about continuous learning, growth, and action. So, whether you're reblogging, creating, discussing, or just taking time to reflect – you're contributing to a world that's fairer, more inclusive, and full of love.

Let's be the change we wish to see. 🌎✨ Spread kindness, demand justice, and never underestimate the power of a single post. Together, we're a force to be reckoned with. 💪✊ #SocialJusticeMatters

[dovesndecay]

I'm trying very hard to reconcile my own personal instinct to recoil from people being encouraged to try homeschooling with my own knowledge that the American education system is designed to be inconsistent, abusive, and beyond substandard. I do completely understand why people want to pull their children out of it.

But as someone who fell into the cracks between Homeschool and Formal education, I sincerely caution parents seeking to homeschool their children to be very careful in how you go about it

There are laws governing who can and how you can homeschool that differs from state to state. In some places, you can be any ol' Joe Blow off the street, pull your kids out, and teach them whatever you want. In some, you have to have a background in education, or you have to teach a specific curriculum. And in others, there's a mix between the two extremes.

Sometimes you have to keep and send transcripts, and if you continue the process through to "graduation", there may be no standard for issuing a graduation certificate that they can use in the future as proof of education. My diploma that tells employers I have the minimum education in the US was printed off of Google in 2009.

In Louisiana, at least in the late 90s/early aughts, all you had to do was let the school board know you intended to provide education at home, register a "school name" and then re-send that registration each semester.

I was pulled out of school in the year 2000, iirc, following a move from New Jersey to Louisiana, where I was actually significantly behind due to the differences between the grade curriculum in each state. In NJ, I was learning the times tables for the first time, and in LA, we were supposed to be dividing fractions. And then, Katrina hit, and we moved around a decent amount, and for the years between 2005 and 2009, I think I just didn't exist as far as the educational system was concerned.

I was a fat undiagnosed neurodivergent queer biracial kid with heap loads of trauma, and the struggles I experienced within the formal education system were absolutely hugely informed by those aspects of my existence. I was being bullied for all the reasons, struggling with my neurodivergency that made all my schoolwork so damn hard, and my family -- already fairly outside of the societal norm in a number of ways, while fitting in perfectly well in others -- did not have and was not provided with the resources to effectively ensure an accessible and consistent form of education for me.

The education system in the US is not just one type of failure, and taking it into your own hands, in my experience and the experiences of many other formerly homeschooled adults, may not do more than give your child a new form of educational trauma.

I cannot do more than the most basic addition and subtraction in my head. I do not have a comprehensive understanding of American, let alone worldwide, history. Science? I got nothing. People talk about learning from the "School of hard knocks" but no, really, I had to learn a lot of practical life skills and knowledge through fucking up and hoping for the best until someone was kind enough to help me out.

(If you've been here on my blog for more than a minute, you might think to yourself, "Reyah, that's still true" and sweet honey baby darling, you're not wrong lmao)

I am lucky enough that my parents are very educated people, were always willing to talk about things with me, and I learned concepts very well through discussion, so I was able to pick up a lot of the skills and knowledge I needed to survive as an adult essentially through social and cultural osmosis. But there's a lot that I missed out on, and struggle as an adult to rectify. (And I'm not even going to pretend that there isn't a lot that I had to unlearn.)

So instead, I exist as someone failed by the educational system in a country that, in my opinion, nearly deifies diplomas to an unhealthy degree (no pun intended), and there's a lot of trauma tied up in that.

To make it super clear: College websites give me panic attacks, and there was a period of time where I absolutely browsed those sites as a form of self-harm. (I no longer do this, I promise)

And I want to be incredibly clear that I am not saying that our children should simply continue to be suffering under these incredibly abusive systems, or that you shouldn't give homeschooling an honest to goodness attempt. Especially if the public system is unsafe for your child.

I don't blame my parents in the slightest for the situations we were in during my childhood because I can pinpoint the specific systems that failed my family every step of the way. Education, healthcare, employment, housing -- none of those systemic failures are the personal fault of my parents doing their best in a country that was not designed to actually help people in need.

I also cannot say that I would have been "better off" staying in public school. Maybe I would have been in some aspects, and worse off in others. I know several recently-dropped out young adults that did so due to a hellish combination of abuse, bigotry, insufficient or outright being denied accommodations for disabilities, and more. I can't say that I would have had a better experience than them, or even a particularly different one, if I had remained enrolled.

I have a good friend, only slightly older than me, who had a very similar experience to mine who is now a college professor, and is still unpacking the traumas of his experiences. I cannot sing his praises enough -- he's probably the main reason I feel remotely confident talking about this at all, let alone in a public forum. I have a lot of personal shame wrapped up in my lack of formal education, and his ability to be open about his schooling history has greatly informed my own to an incredible degree.

I hope that talking about my own experiences with homeschooling will give parents the opportunity to avoid putting their children through similar trials to mine, whether by seeing the pitfalls early enough to detour or by seeking other means to provide safe and accessible education to their children.

If homeschooling is something your family is genuinely interested in pursuing, I would ask that you seek to work with local teachers, your libraries, mental health professionals, and seek out the experiences of homeschooled adults. Especially from those who have similar difficulties to your child.

Most importantly: Listen to your kid, and if they can't advocate for themself, for whatever reason, you need to be prepared to step in for them. (Even against yourself, sometimes.)

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

Cult Girl: Doctorate (Hannibal x Pregnant!Female!Reader) pt. 14

Hannibal reads too much into Max's attempt to reconcile and cult girl revisits her past.

@wisesandwichshark @pearlstiare

Trigger warnings: discussions of death, abandonment, military casualties, emotional abuse

You soon returned to the opera knowing you had nothing to hide. Hannibal selected for you an off-white maternity gown so form-fitting it was practically painted on. He wanted everyone to see that you, his queen, empress and goddess, were carrying his child.

It only took that evening for the whole dynamic to change. Suddenly, you were an expectant new mother. Imogen had been a massive hit, you were planning to go again.

You were affixing your heavy cubic zirconia earrings when you heard a knock at the door. You hesitated, but hurried down the stairs when you saw who it was.

"Max?" You said, upon opening the door. He stood there awkwardly, holding a bouquet of flowers. "Hi?"

"Hey, [F/N]." Max greeted, eyes darting nervously around the porch. "I just came around to apologize in person. I'm sorry I was such a chauvinist prick."

You leaned against the door. "Oh?"

"You were right." He continued. "I don't know what it's like to carry a baby, and, unless something goes very wrong, I never will."

"Let's hope it doesn't come to that." You smiled.

"Anyway, these are for you." He said, handing the bouquet over. "They're chrysanthemums."

"Thank you, Max." You said, accepting the flowers.

"Archie and I-" He scratched the back of his head. "We thought that, maybe, if you'd still have us, that we'd name the baby Chrysanthemum. With your permission, of course."

"Like the picture book?" Your face lit up. "With the little mouse girl?"

Max nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, exactly."

You hugged the bouquet into your chest and considered it again. You looked back at Hannibal, who hadn't looked up from his expectant fathers' website for a second all day. He surrounded himself with books about child psychology, attachment theory, developmental behavior patterns and somehow found himself on a tangent about institutionalized misogyny in medicine.

"I'm sorry, Max." You said, sincerely. "I really do appreciate you coming down here and apologizing, but-"

Max put his hands up and gave you a disarming smile. "I understand. Plans change."

"I just really want to stress that it's not you." You assured him. "I've kind of... really grown to like the idea of being a parent. And I think that was Hannibal's plan all along, too."

"I believe a congratulations is in order, then." His voice turned up in delight. "I'm very happy for you. Both of you."

You clutched the bouquet to your chest. "Thank you."

"Well, I'd better get going." He stepped backwards down the stairs. "I've got three pints of Ben and Jerry's in the backseat and Archie'll have my head if I come home and they've melted."

"Max, wait." You stopped him before he could get down the driveway.

"Hm?"

You leaned against the threshold and smiled warmly. "Don't be a stranger, okay?"

Max returned the smile. "Of course not."

You waved goodbye and shut the door. You hurried to the kitchen to put the flowers in water before you had to go.

"Who was that, love?" Hannibal asked, half-heartedly. He was still very fixated on his research.

"Max Thomas-Park." You answered, unwrapping the flowers from the decorative plastic.

Hannibal looked up from his computer, but left the room silent for you to fill.

"He wanted to make amends." You explained. You walked across the room to the china cabinet and selected a vase big enough to hold the ornate bouquet. "Brought flowers and everything."

"Chrysanthemums?" He asked, sniffing the air.

"I see your sense of smell is coming back." You commented.

"Interesting selection." He narrowed his eyes on the bouquet.

"Well, he said that was what he wanted to name the kid." You offered. "It was a cute pitch, not gonna lie."

Hannibal shut his laptop and examined the bouquet up close. "If he wanted to express regret, he would have done better to bring you blue or purple hyacinths."

"Well, like I said." You made a point to project a little more. "He said he wanted to name his daughter chrysanthemum."

"Mums are given to show sympathy for those in mourning." Hannibal continued, clearly having his own conversation.

"Hannibal-"

"I think your cousin got her hooks in him and he's planning to--" He cut himself off, lest he speak the unthinkable into reality. "That's why he brought mourning flowers."

"Max Thomas-Park is conspiring with Anna to kill our unborn baby?" You said, flatly, to emphasize how insane he sounded.

Hannibal held a bloom between his fingers and looked closely at it. "It's the kind of hint I would leave. For courtesy's sake."

"I think looking at parenting blogs all day has made you a little paranoid." You observed, knowing full well that an overprotective husband and soon-to-be father of your child was not a bad problem to have. Nevertheless, you shut the laptop and touched his cheek. "Come on. We're going to be late for the opera."

You heaved yourself into the passenger's seat of the car, feeling the seat give beneath your heavy frame. Every time you got into the car, you remembered that you needed to shop for a car seat. The thought just as soon left your mind every time. 

“We need to look for a car seat.” You said as Hannibal shut the door, hoping that he’d remember. 

“I mean,” Hannibal blurted out, still lost in his own conversation. “Max is a cultured and well-educated man. He has to know the implications of his flowers.” 

You huffed, dreading to think that paranoid delusion was symptomatic of his parenting style. “Right. The twenty-seven year old data analyst who graduated with a finance MBA from UChicago is also proficient in the outdated and frivolous language of flowers.” 

“In Italy, mums are only given as comfort for loss.” Hannibal said with undeserved conviction. “Exclusively, [F/N].” 

You rolled your eyes and typed something up on your phone. You raised your eyebrows, feeling a bit proud of yourself for what you found. 

“In Korea, y’know, the country that Max’s family is from,” You corrected. “The chrysanthemum is a symbol of friendship.” 

Hannibal tensed up for a moment, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. It was as if he were trying to break himself out of a trance. “...I’m sorry, darling.” 

“I know you’re scared.” You stared at his profile, trying to make out an expression. “I’m also... pretty scared. But you can’t take it out on a guy who has nothing to do with it.” 

“I am scared.” He affirmed, but the way in which he did was a telltale sign that he wasn’t giving you the full story. 

“Of?” You raised your eyebrow. “Finish the sentence, Hannibal.” 

"I need to keep our baby safe." He answered. "And I cannot in good conscience let her come into the world knowing that someone wants to hurt her. To hurt you."

You sighed. "Hannibal, are you seriously still worried about Anna?"

"Don't underestimate the role privilege and entitlement plays in the decision to commit acts of violence." He enunciated carefully. "You of all people should know that."

"Anna has cultivated such a perfect victim image to project outwardly that even a hint of proactive violence would shatter it." You explained. "She's the poor girl who has things done to her. Her evil cousin ruined her marriage. Her evil cousin destroyed her career. And she's the innocent victim in all of it."

"Logically, I know that you can speak on her behavior with more authority than I." Hannibal admitted.

"No shit." You scoffed. "I had to live with her."

"Can we at least entertain the idea that she has something planned?" He pleaded.

"I'm surprised at you." You said. "You never really struck me as the overly-cautious type."

Hannibal shook his head. "With my own life, I'm willing to gamble. But not when it's you. And not when it's Imogen."

You tensed up. His admitted willingness to put himself in danger unlocked a core memory you had buried deep down. The only thing you knew about your own father was that he was willing to put himself in danger. To go overseas and die for fuck-all instead of live for the child he selfishly created then abandoned. He chose to give his life for oil. You didn't choose to grow up without a father and your mother didn't choose to raise a child without a partner. He made that choice for you.

"Now what are you not telling me?" Hannibal broke you out of your trance. "I know that look, [F/N]."

"Nothing." You shook your head. "You should really not plan on dying anytime soon."

"I promise you, I am not going anywhere." His voice softened. "Least of all, to Iraq."

"Okay, you're a pretty good therapist but you never told me you could read minds." You threw your hands up in defeat. "Are you a psychiatrist or are you Loki?"

"As fun as being the god of mischief would be," Hannibal smiled to himself. "I just happen to have a steel-trap memory and an admittedly quite obsessive fixation on the mental health of the mother of my child."

"I swear to god I never told you about him." You denied. "Not even in passing."

"You didn't have to." He assured you. "Beatrice did."

You were surprised for a fraction of a second until the information sat in your head long enough to realize it wasn’t surprising in the slightest. Beatrice took every opportunity she got to brag about her son's sacrifices. She never once mentioned the sacrifices he forced upon you. Only that her son was a hero.

"Did you get the 'don't believe anything [F/N] has to say about my son' speech?" Your voice flattened in complete non-surprise.

"It was a prepared speech?" Hannibal chuckled. "Pity. I thought I was special."

"She gave it to my first boyfriend." You rolled your eyes. "We were, like, fifteen."

"The root of your psychological issues becomes clearer every time we talk about Beatrice." He commented under his breath.

"I know." You conceded.

He pulled into the parking lot, turned the car off and placed his hand over yours.

"Your father was a coward." He said, bluntly. It was nice to hear what had been echoing in the back of your head out loud for once. "I know no country to serve. No god to glorify. I promise, you have the whole of me. My mind, body and soul belongs to you and our child."

You squeezed his hand. "I couldn't ask for anything else."

[bilbobagginsomebabez]

completing a STEM degree includes putting yourself in an environment where the importance of the humanities is specifically denigrated. this is not the case for everyone and the extent to which it is true among the general public is to a far lesser degree than the targeted denigration of humanities that takes place within STEM fields. this is dangerous because we are people and the stuff that makes us people is as important to understand as the things that people make. this is also not possible in the same way in the humanities because we live in a technology-dominated world and are also excited by new toys and the ways of thinking that generated them. we have no challenge to the fact that technology and science are vital and important parts of the human experience. whole sections of the humanities are dedicated to it!

this "discourse" started because the humanities were and continue to be denigrated as a waste of a degree with no practical use. the humanities continue to suffer from axed programs and depleted budgets while STEM programs are inundated with capital funding in addition to the bulk of institutional resources. STEM fields are valued as "hard" sciences, inherently more trustworthy and worthwhile than the humanities.

this is not a "discourse," it is a structural issue. and it is a structural issue that primarily benefits STEM while harming the humanities. That primary benefit to STEM combined with previously good-faith competitive jibes between specializations creates a social environment in which people who have completed a STEM degree have very little knowledge of the humanities and are additionally hostile to learning about them or treating them with respect.

STEM degrees and techheads are not being bullied when the humanities point out ways in which tech would benefit from our input. we are literally fighting for our lives out here and our society is actually harmed by disinvestment from the arts and humanities. we have a point. we have to keep making the same point until something changes. at this point, nothing has changed.

there is also something to be said about the ways in which your education, the manner of teaching, and the structures you adopt to understand the material impact your ways of thinking. I have not completed a STEM degree and cannot speak to the experience, but the discussions I've had with programmer friends has revealed a certain rigidity that is actively unlearned through studying the humanities. that difficult-to-describe rigidity in thought and structure is what many people who have studied the humanities are talking about when they're talking about humanities illiteracy. Through our various degree, we intentionally learn how to investigate different types of thought. when speaking to the educated but humanities illiterate, they seem unaware that there are other types of thought to be had. It's like trying to talk through glass, and that's part of the problem. not because thinking like that is inherently wrong (we are the humanities! people have to think in ways for us to look at it and be fascinated!), but because we are aware that Your Highly-Influenced-By-The-Way-Your-Degree-Works-Way-Of-Thinking is currently Dominant but it is only one way of thinking. We have to try to make you aware of that because possessing this vital knowledge ourselves is not enough. We exist in a structure where we possess vital knowledge that is ignored, suppressed, or denigrated and our peers refuse to consider us or fully treat us as peers.

People who have completed humanities degrees hold our knowledge over the heads of tech people and STEM-heads where we can because it is vital knowledge that is structurally suppressed. We have to tell you where it would have been relevant so next time, maybe you will think to ask.

additionally, as the structural problem continues, it snowballs. STEM and specifically Tech go farther and farther and farther down a path lacking any external input from other specifications and the consequences of their unilateral actions also get worse and worse. there's a reason every degree is suddenly getting really "interdisciplinary"--we're slowly realizing that none of these things are actually separate and teaching them as such is super fucking dangerous. We still have a lot of tech-educated individuals wielding a fuck ton of social power in the absence of vital understandings curated by different fields with no recognition or understanding of the power they wield or the ways in which Different Ways Of Thinking could on its own change the trajectory of this new and unwieldy beast called "technology" and by which we really mean The World That Exists In Circuits and Code.

If you are an Enlightened Tech Person who has discovered independently how to engage with utterly different ways of thinking rather than a tech person convinced they have nothing else to learn due to the rigidity of their learning structures, congratulations! Awesome for you personally, i'm sorry that the same repeated iteration of something you personally understand is frustrating. however, we still have to deal with a structural problem in the Way We Do Education, so maybe you can pass your new understandings along rather than getting angry at us for the continuous need to make the same point over and over and over.

We Live In A Society

it is kind of funny how every time we have discourse about the humanities, a large slice of this site will come out and tacitly endorse the opinion that everyone who didn't go to college is not a complete or interesting person

[galaxymooing]

talking about warriors a bit more for a second here, but i’m thinking about a nice point i saw from someone on twitter when it comes to those who are unsure about what to do with their fandom presence now. if you’re leaving/disengaging from fan content after evaluating it and deciding that’s the best choice for you, that’s great and you should do what you want to! for those who want to stay though, it’s important that we keep talking about this. even if the warriors online presence starts to dwindle, it’s still a massively popular series with over a decade of fan content, and new young fans will find the series. it’s extremely important that we continue to be transparent with the issues in warriors and criticize the books. i do sincerely worry about the kind of echo chamber that could be left for young fans to be exposed to if the fandom is solely made up of the “they’re just cats, you’re too sensitive you need to grow up” crowd.  criticism is very important for any series and making sure fans can find that criticism and learn what steps to take is an essential part of a good, healthy fandom experience. i’ve seen what happens to fandoms that lose the people who criticize them (usually people of color and/or trans women) due to harassment or a refusal to listen to them, and they always become horrible places. 

so if you’re someone who plans to still engage in warrior cats content, remember to CONTINUE to criticize the series, its authors, and what the fandom enables. turning a blind eye to these issues after a day or two of discussion doesn’t improve anything and leads to the exact environment that drives vulnerable people away. this should be your main takeaway after educating yourself about the issues in warriors and deciding you want to continue to be part of the fandom

[kumkaniudaku]

Understanding

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17

Recommended Listening: Understanding x Xscape, Purple Emoji (ft. J. Cole) x Ty Dolla $ign, My World x Asian

Word Count: 2,137 

If you were going to win an award that afternoon, it’d be for attire, not confidence. Your expertly crafted golf outfit was the only thing willing your feet forward once you parked your car in front of Senior’s golf course.

Black women and men dressed like modern Jet magazine ads waltzed in and out of the clubhouse while you scanned the area for your party. You’d been to your fair share of golf courses, but none as exquisite as The National. Marble accents complemented modern brass finishes and unbeatable views of the city. The desire to take photos for your father was almost too much to shake, but you managed to play it cool. Acting out of place was surely some type of faux pas for the wealthy.

Across the way, Senior sat at the bar sipping a glass of water while thumbing through a newspaper. His furrowed brow was identical to Yahya’s whenever he was knee-deep in work or a good book. The mental comparison made you smile before ushering in a tinge of sadness. For two people so undeniably similar, they were miles apart physically and mentally.

You navigated through groups of young and old alike on the way to the bar.

“You made it on time,” Senior spoke without looking up from a story on education budget cuts.

“I made it with time to spare.”

“You don’t get praise for doing what’s right.”

“Think of how much better things would be if we did.”

Senior paused his reading to take a deep breath and shake his head. You mentally berated yourself for overstepping so soon. Not even five minutes into the outing and you had already committed an avoidable infraction

Yahya I prolonged the unbearable silence as he continued to read through another article, reading each line painstakingly slow while you watched in agony.

“I apologize. That was unnecessary.”

“I’ll ask you again,” he spoke, finally looking away from the newspaper to study your face. “Let’s leave the character right here. We’re here for a purpose, so grab your clubs and follow me to the first hole. I hope your game is as good as you are at running your mouth.” Taking his retort in stride, you quickly grabbed your set of clubs and followed with no objections. “After you.”

Senior found himself immediately impressed though he wouldn’t verbalize his feelings. He watched you breeze through each hole with near expert precision, opening a series of questions at hole 5 during casual small talk.

“Where’d you say you were from again?”

“A tiny town in South Carolina that you probably wouldn’t know.”

“Try me,” he answered while taking stock of his position on the fairway.

“Anderson, South Carolina. Home of Larry Nance and the great Chadwick Boseman.”

“Can’t forget James Kennedy, Young Lady.”

You cocked your head back in surprise. “What you know about Radio? I mean outside of what the movie says?”

Senior remained quiet long enough to take a hard swing. The loud “whiff” of his driver slicing through crisp, clean air didn’t match the stroke’s output. Both of you watch the golf ball sail high into the air before making a landing well short of the intended destination. Senior shook his head at the miscalculation before turning to answer your question.

“Black folks from all over are connected, even without all that Snapgram and Facebook foolishness.”

“I could argue it’s helped, right? How else would you be able to share your granddaughter’s first steps with the whole family?”

“In photo albums. You might not remember those, but they did us just fine.”

“Yeah, but it’s instantaneous conversation and information. Who wouldn’t want that?”

“Maybe instantaneous conversation is the problem. We aren’t making enough time to stop and really think about what we’re saying to each other.”

“Mm.” You let the conversation naturally taper before following Senior to his golf cart. The rolling hills provided enough scenery to keep you interested while you sorted the words in your head.

“I think we may have started off on the wrong foot.” You spoke once the cart came to a full stop. Senior trailed behind in silence, gathering a new club while watching you examine the other golfers in the area.

“You’re rather observant.”

You chuckled and plucked a club from your bag. “I’ve been told. Yahya calls me Eagle Eye when I catch something he’s already talked about ten minutes ago.”

“It’s what his Big Mama used to call his Pop-Pop for the same thing. That man was notoriously late to the punchline.” The nostalgia in Yahya I’s voice caught you off guard though he didn’t see your minor fumble. Something in his retelling appealed to your sense of compassion in a way that you considered long gone when it came to him.

“Let’s not beat around the bush. You have an issue with my presence that we should discuss. Because I can assure you, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Bold,” Senior responded with a sarcastic laugh. He gestured to nothing in particular as you squared up to take a swing and nodded. “And direct. Continue.”

You took a moment to hit a line drive toward the green in the distance, using the movement as an outlet for the unexpected nerves churning your stomach. Both of you quietly watch the golf ball for its final resting place before you turned to speak.

“You are extremely hard to please, and it is literally ruining your family. Yahya does everything in his power, and, excuse my French, you don’t seem to give a fuck. Why is that?”

“What makes you think that my love isn’t what makes me push him to be the best that he can? It may not be the fluff and frills you’re used to in your home, but it’s what he needs to get him to his potential.”

“Did it help you?”

Senior mistakenly allowed a quick moment of confusion to take over his features. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

“You tell me. When’s the last time you enjoyed a laugh with your family or felt like you could just...be? You’re carrying a weight that is crushing the people around you, and you don’t even see it.”

“You don’t…” Senior caught his words and bottled them behind his lips. He took a deep breath as he approached his golf ball and took a half-hearted swing. Noticing his misstep, he shook his head. “I’m from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. My father, Yahya’s Pop-Pop, moved my mother and me to a shotgun shack to find work when things weren’t quite shaking out back home. He was in and out of trouble and such. Couldn’t get right, but he had a natural knack for building and design.”

A nearby group of golfers erupted into laughter, helping to break up some tension.

“So architecture’s been in the family for a while,” you asked. Yahya I curled the corner of his lips into a far-off smile.

“A long, long time. It got us out of that shack when my siblings came along and into a house with our own rooms and a backyard. But, my father was a hard man. Hard to please, you know,” he laughed, making a reference to your earlier words. “He wanted the best from me, and he made damn sure he got it. I needed that to get my head out of the clouds.”

“You also needed some reassurance.”

“Perhaps. But, what’s done is done. I look at what I’ve built with no complaints, especially when it comes to my boys. I couldn’t be more proud of the men they’ve become.”

Senior’s proud smile almost looked foreign on his face. You’d never seen more than an indifferent expression or the slight twinge of anger smoldering behind his eyes.

Leaning on your club, you kept your eyes forward to gaze out over the course.

“Yahya would love to hear that. I don’t know if you know this, but he is desperately searching for your approval. There is not enough praise from me or anyone else that could replace knowing that you’re proud of him. Yet, as much as he would like to tell you these things himself, he’s afraid that you’ll think less of him for being vulnerable.”

“I could never think less of the boy. Tough love is still love.”

“Maybe for you,” you added, shrugging. “But, what good is continuing this cycle if it’s hurting the children you claim to love and the grandchildren after them?”

Senior dropped his head in thought before looking up with an unreadable expression. “Deuce will be fine. He’s all the best parts of his mother. I...I’m confident he’ll figure out fatherhood on his own despite my shortcomings. We raised him well.”

“Forgive me if I’m overstepping -”

“That has never stopped you before, young lady.” His light-hearted chuckle invited you to follow suit.

“Fair point,” you laughed. “So, let me cut to the chase. Allowing Yahya to just ‘figure things out’ is a passive existence. Yahya says you’re constantly reminding him to take things into his own hands. Sounds like you should take your own advice. Be the parts of your father that you needed at 33.”

Instead of acknowledging your advice, Senior twirled his club in his hand on the way to the golf cart. He maintained an impenetrable poker face that even the most skilled readers couldn’t interpret. You silently hoped that at least some of your words had made it through his thick skull, but you chose to let the discussion meet a natural end.

As he started the cart, Senior turned to you and smiled. “How the hell you learn to swing like that? I know it wasn’t in Anderson.”

“Hey, we play a little golf here and there!”

“Where? Out in the woods?”

“No, out in the Bayou like you did.”

A small smirk crept across your face as Yahya I chuckled at your joke. He sounded identical to Yahya, full of mirth and beautiful melodies.

“The ole Bayou,” he repeated in a thick accent. “You ain’t seen a place more beautiful in your life.”

“Maybe Yahya and I could visit one day.”

He quickly looked over and shrugged. “Maybe. For now, you focus on defending this lead. I think I’m getting back into my rhythm.”

Senior couldn’t make a convincing comeback, but he did show glimpses of a softer, more personable disposition. He cracked jokes on occasion and asked questions that turned the conversation from a therapy session to banter between associates. Your mind traveled to the possibility of civil family dinners or vacations during the ride home. Though it seemed silly to create imaginary scenarios after one conversation, you couldn’t help the urge to see a better future.

Your happiness helped you float into your shared apartment, making Yahya smile when he caught a glimpse of your wide grin and short skirt.

“Damn, girl,” he hollered from the couch with Leche cradled in his arms. “If Tiger was out there cheeked up like that, I might’ve paid a little more attention to the golf network.”

“Oh, really?”

Your raised eyebrow made Yahya kiss his teeth once he caught on to the joke. “You know what I meant. Where you been anyway?”

“Oh, I was just out doing a little golfing...with your dad.”

“Right. That was today, huh?”

Even Yahya’s best attempt at feigning interest, his question came out in a flat drone typically used on annoying coworkers. You dropped your purse and keys against a nearby barstool on the way to his spot on the couch.

“It was today. I think we had a good time,” you answered as you slid your arms around his neck from behind, placing a gentle kiss behind his ear. “He didn’t yell at me.”

“You must’ve kissed his ass the entire time.”

“No. We talked about how great I am at golf. I mean, I kicked his ass.”

“Good on you, baby girl. Bring honor to our house.” In a surprise maneuver, Yahya pulled you over the couch and into the space beside him. “Is that all?”

Silence blanketed the room, allowing the college basketball game in the background to have center stage. You considered your options carefully, weighing the pros of a potential argument against a peaceful Saturday indoors. Yahya turned his attention back to the television as he waited for a response.

“Did you hear me, baby? He didn’t say anything rude to you, did he?”

“No!” You blurted. Taking a deep breath, you slowly slid the remote off the coffee table and pressed the power button. Yahya blinked twice at his reflection on the black television screen before turning to you for answers. Your fingers danced across his thighs to interlock with his long digits.

“I think...I think we need to have a real talk about your dad.”

----

A/N: I hope this is better late than never. Only two more chapters left! Really striving to have those to y’all by the end of the month.

Let me know if you want to be tagged or untagged!

@earthformelanin @mufasathatniggatho @hidden-treasures21@justanotherloveaffair @jozigrrl @essaysbyciara @chaneajoyyy@determinednot2fall @honey-lamb-k @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @walkrightuptothesun @ghostfacekill-monger @trillistb@shaekingshitup @purplehairgawdess @xo-goldengirl@steampunkprincess147 @twistedcharismaaa @fandomfavesss@bugngiz @lifelover4u @ljstraightnochaser @l-auteuse @itsjustyazz@energy-innerg @lahuttor @sagittariusroyalty@chrisgalore @grandadchadwick​ @blowmymbackout​@supersizemeplz​ @just-peachee​ @itskikilove​ @eyeknowmywrites​ @aanairb​ @blackburnbook​ @leahnicole1219​ @lovedersha​ @cant-decide-at-this-moment​ @jasmindaughteroftheworld​

[end3rs-eye]

Here's what Ranboo said in Ranmail last night for those who aren't subbed

(TLDR at the end)

Hey guys, I wanted to talk about something here that has been weighing on my mind for quite a bit now. I talked about it on stream a little bit but I want to touch on it more here, please spread this message to other platforms as I am only putting it here because its easier for me to word my thoughts correctly here.

Lately I have found myself in kind of a weird spot when it comes to my fanbase, I have seen stuff that I have tried again and again to stop yet people sadly dont seem to take my messages to heart when I tell them about my boundaries. I really do appreciate my fanbase and I know that most of you guys are absolutely great, and if you dont do any of the things im going to list then you just keep on being a good part of the community :D.

Recently I have honestly been terrified. In case you didnt know I am a VERY anxious person, and whenever things and events keep on happening in regards to other creators and situations I keep on getting brought into it as an example. Whether it be people saying "Ranboo wouldnt do something like this" or "Ranboo did ????? so why cant this person do ?????". I ask you PLEASE to stop putting me on a high pedestal, as I am a person so thus I will make mistakes! And honestly I have been so scared, unnecessarily checking every single post that I make as well as not speaking about certain things because I am so scared of wording it wrong and making people upset because of the fact that I have an okay reputation. I am glad that you guys think of me as a good person, but consistently bringing me up and putting me above others because of what you think of me scares me so much because the higher you put me up the further I can fall.

I am in no ways a perfect person. I have made mistakes and I have learned from those mistakes. Am I trying to not make mistakes? Yes. Will I make mistakes in the future? Absolutely. I am trying my hardest to be a good person but you guys have to understand that I am in no ways a perfect person, Im not even close. So PLEASE stop holding me to higher standards simply because I have not made a mistake yet because the more you do that the worse it will be WHEN I make a mistake.

Now, this does NOT mean I am not okay with being educated/corrected. If I make a mistake I really do want you guys to inform me of what I did wrong and give me the opportunity to make it right! But this does NOT mean that I want you guys to put me under a microscope and try to find every little thing that I may do wrong because I am already putting myself under a microscope which has not been healthy for me as of late. So PLEASE stop bringing me up as an example of a "perfect cc" or an "unproblematic cc" because I know that if I get that label, the moment I mess up it will be much much worse.

Am I a perfect person? NO. Am I trying to be a good person? Yes. I am trying to educate myself on issues as well as try and understand a lot of the troubles that many people go through in my fanbase to try and make the fanbase a better place, but if I am not allowed to be respectfully educated when I mess up then I am losing the ability to learn from my mistakes. I really do want to be a good person, but the stress of consistently trying to be perfect is really not healthy for me. Part of that does come from me however so I am trying to figure out how to manage that on my own, I mean I entered this situation having no idea how to handle a fanbase of any size and I have been learning as I go. Another thing that has been still happening which I have tried again and again to stop is people associating with me and then sending actual threats. Threats of any kind are NEVER okay with me. So if you want to associate any part of your profile pic, bio, etc. then PLEASE never do these kinds of things. Another thing is if you want to associate yourself with me, but get into an argument please try to do so respectfully! So please if you want to get into drama and you decide that you do not want to be respectful about it please do not associate your profile with me. However, I am completely okay with you guys calling out issues and being associated with me as long as you do so in a respectful and educated way! I encourage you guys to try and educate others, but please do it in a respectful way if possible! (I do understand that it may be hard to do it in a respectful manner in some cases, so if you do decide to act in that manner please do not associate your page with me as if enough people see the same common denominators in a profile they will give the fanbase a "toxic" label.) If it will actually make the community, situation, or heck even the world a better place then that is completely okay! But if it is just an insult or a threat that does not add to a discussion then please do not associate your profile with me as it makes me uncomfortable! I tried my best to word this in the way that I was thinking but I know that some things may have not been worded in the best way so I will clarify if needs be! (PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THIS WAS WORDED WRONG! THANK YOU!)

TLDR: I want to be able to continue to interact with my community, but sadly the stuff that I have seen in SOME (absolutely not all) areas has really rubbed me the wrong way. I really want this message to stick this time, I have tried again and again to establish these boundaries yet I continue to see more and more that just really breaks my heart.

[logically-asexual]

Hold me like you mean it

summary:

Logan’s feelings for Virgil and the fact that now Virgil barely notices him are stopping him from getting any work done. Janus offers a way for Logan to cope, by disguising himself into Anxiety. but is this really what Logan needs? and what’s in it for Janus, anyway?

alternatively, an angsty story about rejection, denial, and manipulation.

note: this fic is completely written with a total of 9 chapters and 9k words, but I will be posting the chapters every couple days in hopes to build up hype. this is my first time writing something longer than ~1k and also my first time writing in A While. but I tried really hard and I’m very proud of it so I hope you like it.

note 2: please don’t take this as a guide to learn about unhealthy relationships, it's a theme in the story but it’s not meant to be educational in any way.

warnings: (for the whole fic) unrequited love, rejection, manipulation, unhealthy relationships, gaslighting, dependency, dubious consent and non consent for kissing, sad ending, depression (vaguely described), angst in general, nightmares. let me know what else i should add.

Read on AO3

Chapter 1

| Next |

words: 1,217

Logan sighed as he tossed another paper ball into the bin. His eyes were starting to burn from the strain, but he was determined to have the plan finished by tomorrow. He had started typing his ideas into his computer, but the light began to hurt as the sky became dark, and he couldn’t risk anyone seeing his room’s light on from the hall, so he had turned on a small lamp and tried again with pen and paper.

He pulled another blank paper sheet and started over. It was kind of ridiculous, when he thought about it long enough, to spend this much time trying to figure out the best way to talk to Virgil in the following days, but he had identified his lack of communication with Anxiety as the most important and urgent issue to resolve in his table of priorities. After all, Thomas had become more anxious in the past weeks. So, in order to be heard, he needed to be able to collaborate with Virgil, which would also keep Thomas’ mind clear and stop him from procrastinating so much.

Another list of ideas had almost filled the page when Logan was startled by a knock on his door, followed by the sound of his pencil dropping to the floor. He hurriedly turned the paper over, stood up, and went to open the door, hoping to end whatever interaction that was about to happen as soon as possible. He was surprised to find Janus standing on the other side. At least it wasn’t Virgil, but Logan knew either of them could easily detect the smallest sign of nervousness, and Logan was definitely nervous. It was late and he shouldn’t be working.

“Good evening Janus, is there anything I can do for you?” Logan greeted from where he stood, poking his head out of the barely open door. The sooner this conversation ends, the better, he repeated to himself. His hand tightened around the doorknob as he waited for Deceit to say something, while the other was staring at him with a slightly amused look on his face.

Just when Logan was about to tell the other to stop wasting his time, Janus spoke. “I came here to ask for your opinion on an idea I had, but I can tell you’re trying to hide something,” he said as he crossed his arms and looked into what was visible of Logan’s room, before turning his gaze back into Logan’s eyes. “So spit it out already.”

Logan glanced quickly towards the papers on his desk and back at Janus with an expression as neutral as he could manage. “I am trying to hide the fact that I am working late at night, because I must be an example to the rest of the Sides and keep a strict, healthy schedule to encourage them to do the same. Happy?”

“Of course.” Janus said, apparently satisfied, but he only gave Logan a second to feel relieved before he pushed past him into his room. He walked directly towards his desk and, out of all the objects laying on it, he picked up the one Logan dreaded the most.

Janus looked the paper sheet over as a wide grin formed on his face. Then, he held it high and began reading out loud. “Strategic Plan to Communicate Effectively with Anxiety. Updated version 5.2. Step one: approach Virgil (gently) after our next discussion and point out the arguments he made that were helpful. Step tw-”

“That’s enough.” Logan interrupted, as he snatched away the paper. “What do you want?”

“Oh you know me, I just love it when you all insist on hurting yourselves and Thomas in the name of irrelevant lies.” Janus said with a sarcastic tone, increasing Logan’s discomfort. He continued, with a mocking smile. “If you’re going to hide things, I’d prefer you do it for something useful instead of some crush.”

Logan blinked rapidly and felt heat rising to his face. “What? What are you talking about?” He took a moment to look at Janus’ unimpressed expression, while he pieced together what the other Side was implying. “You think I have a crush on Virgil? No, no. See, I have a table of problems that hinder my productivity and therefore Thomas’ that I need to address and lately Virgil hasn’t been listening or interacting at all with me, which has stopped any of my other projects from being considered, so the most logical solution is to fix that as soon as possible through effective communication with him.” He had to take air in once he finished his explanation, realizing he had uttered it all in one breath. He watched expectantly as Janus raised an eyebrow.

“Right...” Janus said, as he once more took the paper from Logan’s hand. “And what role exactly do Step six, “partake in movie nights when Virgil chooses the film,” and Step eight, “stand closer to his position on the stairs when the twins are making him uneasy” play into this… productivity thing?” Before Logan could defend his reasoning, Janus went on, now with a slightly softer expression. “Listen, Logan. I know you have a selfish motive behind this, you don’t have to hide that from me. I’m not Patton. I won’t judge you.”

Logan swallowed, embarrassed to admit this feeling, both to himself and to Janus, and replied with a whisper. “I just… miss him, and I want us to be friends again.”

“Is that all?”

Logan nodded, looking down at his shoes. After a moment, he added “we used to understand each other well, and I had an easier time working then, with him, with the rest of the Sides, and by myself.”

“Very well. If that’s the case, I think I can help.”

With the intention to ask what kind of help he meant, Logan turned his gaze back up, only to be shocked by the sight of Virgil standing in front of him. He inhaled sharply and took a step back, not moving his eyes from Virgil’s tilted smile. Once his mind caught up with what happened and what was being offered to him, he immediately refused. “No, Janus.” (Saying the name out loud helped him remind himself who really was in front of him) “I want to make things right with the real Virgil. Staying in denial and pretending things are fine won’t help anyone.”

“But it will help you, L.” He heard in Virgil’s low voice, but with Janus’ usual intonation, it didn’t match well. “You said yourself that you can’t get any work done because your mind is occupied with missing me. This way you can work on our relationship while taking the edge off.” Janus took a step towards him and put his hand on Logan’s shoulder.

Logan considered it for a second, before settling on the same answer. “No. I’m sorry, Deceit, I’ll follow my own strategy.”

Janus’ expression fell, and he shifted back into his usual appearance, but he kept his posture straight and his head high. “Fine, but my offer is still open for whenever you are ready to accept it.” With that last statement, he gave Logan his notes back. Then he walked out of Logan’s room, shutting the door behind him, leaving Logan alone in the dark.

| Next |

notes: (yes, i just talk a lot, sorry) welcome to the journey! hope you enjoy :D and if you like it pls leave a comment.

also the title is from Four Tequilas Down by dodie, (which is a big mood for the story)

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

--

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

[whitehotharlots]

CRT and the sad state of educational politics

If our culture is studied 100 years from now, the predominant theme of the research will be a sense of perplexed revulsion toward how we did nothing to address the climate crisis in spite of having decades of forewarning. If there is a second theme, it will be a profound confusion regarding our immense and unearned sense of self-certainty. A retrospective of the early twenty first century would be titled something like Who the Fuck Did These People Think They Were? 

The latter theme is illustrated in the debacle surrounding a recent slew of municipal and statewide bills that seek to ban the teaching of Critical Race Theory (CRT) in public schools. For the record, I am strongly against these bans. But I’m also self-aware enough to know my opinion matters very little, and therefore realize that an analysis of the discussion surrounding the bills will yield much more worthwhile observations than a simple delimitation of their pros and cons. Regardless of your personal opinion, I hope you’ll humor me.

I am, in some regards, a moral absolutist. But I also realize that abstract morality has very little bearing on material and political realities. In my ideal world, classrooms are free from political meddling. Teachers teach to the best of their ability, presenting students with truths that are confidently unvarnished due to the thorough amount of work that was required to reach them. I don’t cotton any of that socratic bullshit. Students are there to learn, not to engage in weird Gotchas with some perverted elder. The teacher’s job is to teach. The material they teach needs to be subjected to some graspable and standardized mechanism of truth adjudication before it is worthy of being taught. Teaching is not therapy. Teaching is not poetry. Teaching is not love, nor is it religion, nor is it a means of social or political indoctrination. There are plenty of other avenues available to accomplish all of those other things. Teaching is teaching. 

That’s the ideal. But ideals are just ideals. They never come true. The art of teaching, regardless of setting--from overpacked classrooms to face-to-face instruction to curricular design to nationwide pedagogical initiatives--boils down to a teacher’s ability to reconcile the need to convey truths with social and political pressures that are heavily invested in the suppression of truth. 

I have formally studied and practiced education for nearly two decades. In that time, the prevailing political thrust toward education has been a desire to casualize the practice of teaching, to render educators as cheap and fungible as iphones. The thrust takes different shapes depending on the political affiliation of whomever happens to be in charge of the state and federal governments that fund education, but the ultimate desire is always the same. The goal is always to attempt to make teaching rote and algorithmic, something akin to running a google search for How to do math? or What is morality?. The framing is always just windowdressing, empty culture war bullshit. 

Maybe it’s the inescapability of this thrust that’s rendered so many educators so blind to it? We only have nominal political choice, after all. The discourse gets more blinkered and vicious as the stakes decrease. At any rate, this is the undeniable reality, and anyone who doesn’t see that isn’t worth listening to. 

Non-administrative per-pupil spending as been on a steady decline since George W. Bush was president. Administrative bloat and meddling are becoming as common in k-12 as they are in higher education. The will of parasitic NGOs are implemented as common sense pedagogy without anyone even bothering to ask for any proof that they work. The so-called Education Reform movement is sputtering out due both to its manifest failures and rare, bipartisan backlash. But it will be replaced with something just as idiotic and pernicious. The thrust of causalization will not abate. 

And so what do we decide to do? What’s the next big thing on the education policy horizon? Critical Race Theory. 

Okay, this makes sense. In 2021, a local paper can’t run a news story about a lost cat without explicitly mentioning the race of every human involved and possibly also nodding toward the implied cisnormativity of pet ownership. So it makes sense that this broad rhetorical mandate would come to dominate the transitional period between Bush-Obama Education Reform and whatever bleak future awaits us. The controversy is so perfectly inefficacious that its adoption was inevitable. Because, seriously, it doesn’t matter. Regardless of the outcome of this kerfuffle, no problems will be solved. The real shortcomings of public education will not be addressed. Larger social problems that are typically blamed on public education in spite of having little to do with public education will especially not be addressed. Maybe white kids will have to do struggle sessions in lieu of the Pledge of Allegiance. Maybe black kids will get full credit for drawing the Slayer logo in the part of the test where their geometric proof is supposed to go. Or maybe it won’t happen. Maybe instead these practices will be banned, and in turn liberals will begin to embrace homeschooling, the charter movement will be given new life as a refuge against the terrors of white supremacist behaviors such as, uhh, teaching kids to show their work. Whatever.

Within the context of public education, the outcome will not matter. It cannot matter. There will be broader social impacts, sure. It will continue to drive Democrats more rightward, providing their party’s newly woke corporate wing with progressive-sounding rationales for austerity. But so far as teachers and students are concerned, it won’t matter.

Why do I give a shit about this, then? To put it bluntly, I’m struck by the utter fucking inartfulness of CRT’s proponents. At no point has any advocate of CRT presented a case for their approach to education that was at all concerned with persuading people who aren’t already 100% in their camp. There’s been no demonstration of positive impacts, or even an explanation of how the impacts could hypothetically be positive. In fact, so much as asking for such a rationale is considered proof of racism. Advocates posit an image of existing educational policies that is absolutely fantastical, suggesting that kids never learn about slavery or racism or civil rights. But then... then they don’t even stick with the kayfabe. They’ll say “kids never learn about racism.” In response, people--mostly well-meaning--say “wait, umm, I’m pretty sure they do learn about racism.” The response is “we never said they don’t learn about racism.” You’ll see this shift from one paragraph to the next. It’s insane. Absolutely insane. 

Or take this talk from a pro-CRT workshop in Oregon. The speaker freely admits that proto-CRT leanings like anti-bias education, multiculturalism, and centering race in historical discussions have been the norm since the late 1980s. The speaker admits that these practices have been commonplace for 30+ years, as anyone my age or younger will attest. Then, seconds later, the speaker discusses the results of this shift: it failed. Unequivocally:

We had this huge, huge, huge focus on culturally relevant teaching and research. [ ... ] So you would think that with 40+ years of research and really focusing and a lot of lip service and a lot of policies and, you know, a lot of rhetoric about cultural relevancy and about equity and about anti-bias that we would see trends that are significantly different, [but] that’s not what we’re finding. What we’re finding that you see [is] that some cases, particularly black and brown [students] the results, the academic achievement has either stayed the same and gotten worse.

Translation: here’s this approach to teaching. It’s new and vital but also we’ve been doing it for 40 years. It doesn’t work. But we need to keep doing it. Anyone who is in any way confused by this is a dangerous racist. 

Even in the darkest days of the Bush-era culture war, I never saw such a complete and open disregard for honesty. This isn’t to say that Bush-era conservatives weren’t shit-eating liars. They were. But they had enough savvy to realize that self-righteousness alone is not an effective way of doing politics. You need to at least pretend to be engaging with issues in good faith. 

This is what happens when a movement has its head so far up its own ass that it cannot comprehend the notion of good-faith criticism. These people do not believe that there can exist anyone who shares their basic goals but has concerns that their methods might not work. Their self-certainty is so absolute and unshakeable that they can proffer data demonstrating the complete ineffectiveness of their methods as proof of the necessity of their methods.

For decades, the most effective inoculation against pernicious meddling in education has been to lean upon the ideal form of teaching I described earlier in this post. We claimed that teaching is apolitical and that no one is trying to indoctrinate anybody. Regardless of the abstract impossibility of this claim, it has immense and lasting appeal, and it was upheld by a system of pedagogical standards that allowed teachers to evoke a sense of neutrality. The prevailing thrust in liberal education is to explicitly reject any such notions, and no one--not a single goddamn person--has proffered a convincing replacement for it. We still say, laughably, that we’re eschewing indoctrination. But people aren’t that stupid. If you find it beneath yourself to make your lies digestible, people will be able to tell when you’re lying to them. 

This, my friends, bodes very poorly for the future of education, regardless of whatever happens in the coming months. A movement that cannot articulate its own worth is not one that is long for this world. Teachers themselves are the only force that can resit the slow press toward the eventual elimination of public education, and they have embraced a worldview and comportment style that renders them absolutely unable to mount any worthwhile resistance. 

[eaglehealthworks]

Lots of words, lots of meanings Pt. I

This entry is intended to bring a little educational understanding to those who are unsure of what all the different terms mean in the world of people with drug/alcohol/behavioral issues. For the sake of discussing the individual, he/she/they are known as such and will be in active use, active recovery, or active wellness (complete remission, perhaps). There are those that will state that one cannot be cured and there is only a state of recovery because the individual is never not addicted to whatever caused problems. I contend that an individual can achieve active wellness which would include complete abstinence and a life without psychoactive substances and/or other excessive repetitive patterns know as behavioral addictions (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping &c.) in healthy, sustainable, and satisfying ways.

Yes, if someone who has been in the throes of chemical dependency or behavioral disorder return to the substance and/or behavior, the cycle begins where it left off for many biological reasons. The point is it is absolutely possible and very much achievable to never return to that way of existing. If you follow medical orders after realizing a high blood pressure diagnosis, the problem becomes completely manageable. If you get your blood pressure down then revert back to a lifestyle which caused it to increase then guess what, it will return with a vengeance. Same exact thing.

I’ll step off of my “You can live well” pulpit and get into the terminology because the layers to wellness are many, deep, and worthy of their very own post(s) .

What is drug addiction, and should we use the term or its derivatives?

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA, 2019), it is “a chronic disease characterized by compulsive, or uncontrollable, drug seeking and use despite harmful consequences and changes in the brain, which can be long-lasting”. Note how it is considered a medical disease by the established medical community. This gets some people in a tizzy and those are often heard exclaiming, “You did this to yourself!, It’s not a disease!, Cancer is a disease!”, &c. The number one cause of death in these United States is heart disease caused largely by; you guessed it, the sufferer (Weatherspoon, 2019). Smoking, diet, overweight, sedentary, all contribute significantly to this problem. Those previously mentioned anger mongers will often retort “Yeah, well it is also genetic!”, and so is chemical dependency (Johns Hopkins, 2021).

Whether or not the term is used or not is always up for debate, and only time will determine its existence. Addiction as a term is fairly straightforward and accurate; however, the term addict is filled with negative connotation, stereotype, and stigma. I can assure you that easily half of everyone I have ever treated looks and behaves just like every other citizen walking around in any neighborhood anywhere. Rich, poor, elderly, young, and all points in between describe people with substance use disorders and behavioral addictions, many of whom you would never guess. I have also known many straight edge folks who the average American might easily mistake for someone who abuses drugs based on appearance alone.

How does someone get diagnosed?

Well, it must be done by a licensed and qualified medical professional who has spent many years in study and has the student debt to prove it. Or you can generally ask someone who is suspected of having a problem with drugs, alcohol, or circumstance and they will know if it can be controlled or if help is needed. This does not take into account those in denial or fear of losing something by the very nature of the question (like safety, shelter, liberty, &c). In the case of the former, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-V) by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) uses the following criteria to determine whether a problem exists and/or the degree of severity if present (APA, 2013):

A. A problematic pattern of [insert substance or circumstance] use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least two of the following, occurring within a 12-month period:

1.     [insert substance or circumstance, e.g., alcohol, opioids, gambling, &c.]  are often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended.

2.     There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control [insert substance or circumstance] use.

3.     A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain the [insert substance or circumstance], use the [insert substance or circumstance], or recover from its effects.

4.     Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use [insert substance or circumstance].

5.     Recurrent [insert substance or circumstance]  use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.

6.     Continued [insert substance or circumstance]  use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of [insert substance or circumstance].

7.     Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of [insert substance or circumstance]  use.

8.     Recurrent [insert substance or circumstance]  use in situations in which it is physically hazardous.

9.     Continued [insert substance or circumstance]  use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by the substance.

10.  Tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

a.      A need for markedly increased amounts of [insert substance or circumstance]  to achieve intoxication or desired effect.

b.     A markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of an [insert substance or circumstance]. (Note: This criterion is not considered to be met for those taking [insert substance or circumstance]  solely under appropriate medical supervision.)

11.  Withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following:

a.      The characteristic [insert substance or circumstance]  withdrawal syndrome (refer to Criteria A and B of the criteria set for [insert substance or circumstance]  withdrawal).

b.     [insert substance or circumstance]  (or a closely related substance) are taken to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms. (Note: This criterion is not considered to be met for those individuals taking [insert substance or circumstance]  solely under appropriate medical supervision.)

NONE – Presence of 0-1 symptoms

MILD – Presence of 2-3 symptoms

MODERATE – Presence of 4-5 symptoms

SEVERE – Presence of 6 or more symptoms 

Questions? Anyone? Let’s keep moving. Now with this information held firmly in your mind, you still need to be properly credentialed in order to affix a legitimate diagnosis to anyone, so this is for informational purposes only. Here are a few more terms to add to your lexicon though:

1.     Drug Intoxication. This is elusive because many people with a substance use disorder(s) have been using for so long that their strange and erratic behavior has become accepted traits. Often the presence of intoxication is a sudden change in demeanor, i.e., one moment a person is restless and anxious, they go to the bathroom and after emerging proceed to pass-out after sitting down anywhere (opioids). Or an individual is nervous and even a little shaky but after a few moments alone returns happy, smooth in gait, and chatty (alcohol). Perhaps a loved one is lethargic and grumpy, but after returning from the bathroom is full of energy and talking a mile a minute (cocaine, methamphetamine). Of course, there are many indicators, but you get the point.

2.     Drug Abuse. The continued use of a psychoactive drug or behavioral patterns despite the knowledge that it is causing social, occupational, psychological, or physical problems (APA, 2013). Put simply, doing something to excess where the consequences outweigh the benefits; An ice cream cone is great, a half-gallon  makes you vomit (in most cases).

3.     Drug Dependence. Maladaptive pattern of use resulting in significant impairment or distress, as shown by compulsive use, increased tolerance, withdrawal, and obsessive thoughts about it (APA, 2013).

 You know, the word withdrawal has been presented several times in this post and it deserves its own little section because it is this experience alone that keeps more people in active use than any other single precipitating factor. The human mind is in a constant state of seeking homeostasis or normal acceptable functioning. All people, not just those with drug/alcohol issues seek the avoidance of pain. Ok, somewhere there is a body builder claiming no pain no gain but let that pain be a sciatic or tooth nerve and he/she is reduced to a tower of gelatin seeking immediate relief.

 This next sentence is a value statement directly from the horse; withdrawal is an exquisitely harrowing experience engulfing the entirety of the human experience and reducing it to the most detestable overall sensation of prolonged living death. The only relief which is desperately sought and despised simultaneously is more of the substance that caused it. I really don’t know a better way to explain it. I know of septuagenarian Rockwellesque grandmothers who have sold themselves for heroin because their medical provider overprescribed opioids for years and due to pressure from governing authorities cut them off, just to avoid withdrawal. People question this but its sadly true, and not even the worst of the stories.

 If you ever want to chat with me about this or anything else related to relief from substance and/or circumstance please contact me here or at the clinic. Feel free to click on any of the links provided for more reading. Thanks for taking the time, enjoy.

-        Edesepam

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Johns Hopkins. (2021). Substance Abuse / Chemical Dependency. Retrieved from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/substance-abuse-chemical-dependency on 2021, June 30.

NIDA. (2019, January 17). Treatment Approaches for Drug Addiction DrugFacts. Retrieved from https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/treatment-approaches-drug-addiction on 2021, June 30

Weatherspoon, D. (2019, March 29). What Are the 12 Leading Causes of Death in the United States? Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/leading-causes-of-death on 2021, June 30.

[thekillerssluts]

DIY Magazine, October 2020.

Interview TALKING ‘BOUT MY GENERATION: WILL BUTLER

Talking to Will Butler is a bit like trying to have a conversation with a human magpie. Hugely enthusiastic and with a constant giggle on the go (“I have a nervous laugh, so I laugh at more things than I should…”), the 37-year-old has a tendency to veer off down strange tangents, taking your original point but then getting distracted or excited by some other new, shiny train of thought in a different direction.

You can tell he’s smart - not just booksmart, but the kind of smart where you can practically see the cogs turning at 100mph. “I love knowledge for its own sake,” he professes at one point. “I believe in it to a fault. I think it’s worth knowing all this shit, for no other reason than just knowing that it’s true.” And it’s this attitude that’s filled the three years since ‘Everything Now’ - he and his Arcade Fire bandmates’ society-skewering fifth LP.

In that time, amid world tours and festival headlines, Will has had two more children - twins - and went to Harvard to study a masters in public policy. He also found time to record ‘Generations’ - a second solo effort that takes the brilliantly all-over-the-place nature of 2015’s ‘Policy’ and hones it into something that’s more pointed, though still clearly fuelled by the same curious mind. Or as he puts it: “The first [album] it’s like, ‘I’m at the market! There’s some eggplants! Oh there’s a nice sausage guy! And OK cool I’ll get some of those and these!’ But then ‘Generations’ was much more like, ‘I’ve been storing these bones in my freezer for two years and now we’re gonna boil this down to make the pure essence of the beast’.”

Like most debuts from artists splintering off from their main projects, ‘Policy’ had been born from accumulating a collection of material that didn’t fit with his band. Unlike most, Will had just been nominated for an Oscar (for his soundtrack to Joaquin Phoenix film Her) before its release, “so that was a confidence boost,” he notes amiably. Conversely, the essence of ‘Generations’’ particular beast seems a far more targeted one - one intrinsically linked with the intense political conversations the musician had found himself wrangling with during his recent studies.

“I always want whatever I’m making to emerge out of what I’m living and for it to help me understand how I’m living better, so going to policy school was certainly part of that artistic project as well as the ‘what do we fucking do?’ project,” he explains. “I jokingly say that I was radicalised at Harvard, which is basically true. I was in a mid-career programme, so there were 25-year-old geniuses but also people in their middle age who’d worked in the UN in Pakistan or the government in Mexico. They had this whole perspective of how fucked everything is across the whole globe so it was… educational.

As such, his second brims with a sense of palpable unease for a society that’s not only crumbling before our eyes right now, but has been doing so intermittently for decades and centuries. The twinkling, finger-clicking patter of ‘Close My Eyes’ belies the all-too-timely despair beneath it (“The photograph is new / But I seen that same headline, and I got to dance to keep from crying”), Randy Newman-esque closer ‘Fine’ digs right back to “George Washington and all his slaves,” while ‘Not Gonna Die’, he explains, was written in direct response to the November 2015 Bataclan shootings.“All these things hit different people in different ways, but that was so close to home,” he says. “It was Christmas after that and I was shopping in Manhattan; I walked into Sephora and it was super crowded and I thought, there’s a lot of people in here, where would I go [if something like that happened]? And I got so mad. It fucking worked. You made me scared. I’m not gonna die in Sephora on 5th Avenue but you made me think about it, you fucking pieces of shit.“Mike Pence was writing about it before he was running for Vice President, like, ‘We need to make sure we don’t have any immigrants come in because the immigrants can do this to us here’. And it’s like, I’m not gonna be killed by a woman fleeing violence in Guatemala!! The terrorists and the people saying ‘Be afraid!’: what you’re doing is working, and I AM afraid, and fuck you.”

Perhaps most interestingly, however, ‘Generations’ doesn’t just point the finger outwards, it also poses questions of the singer’s own inherent part in it all. “A big chunk of this record is asking: What’s my place in American history? What’s my place in America’s present?” he explained in a previous statement about the album. “Both in general, but also extremely particularly: me as Will Butler, rich person, white person, Mormon, Yankee, parent, musician. What do I do? What can I do?”

“It’s basically like, ‘My God, how did we get here?’ - that Talking Heads line,” he continues now. “The record is at times literally a conversation with people arguing back and forth, and there’s a lot of questions raised and the answers aren’t answers - you just end the conversation in a different spot. There’s something to that process of discussing and coming to some sort of revelation only to find out what’s lacking there, and then you move onto the next conversation and find out what’s lacking there. I was pleased that the material felt cyclical and of a piece, and you feel like you’re in a different spot than you were at the beginning.”

Because yes, his latest might not provide all the answers - “This is a musical work and I don’t know what the end notes are,” he admits - but ‘Generations’ does emphasise the importance of asking the questions and having the conversations, both with the world and with yourself. And if you can have them over an album of musically explorative, rich and often perversely funny new offerings? All the better.

Next, he’ll return to the fold to begin work on Arcade Fire’s sixth opus. Writing for that had originally started in New Orleans before the pandemic hit, but the band “don’t have the file management down to really do it at a distance,” he chuckles. “Win and Régine are always demoing and working, and I’ve done a little. We always work on a record for about a year and a half and we’re not off that pace yet, we’re still weirdly on track…”

You can bet by the time that record lands, he’ll have chalked up a handful of other accomplishments to his name, too; lord only knows the political battleground of the coming weeks will give him enough food for thought. And in the inquisitive mind of Will Butler, thought and curiosity are clearly the most nourishing tools of all. “You can write a love song that’s super true, but can you write a history song that also is? And if it comes out right and there’s some value in it, then what does that mean?” he muses. “It’s about just trying different angles to express something true.”

‘Generations’ is out now via Merge.

Butler’s Bits

‘Generations’ is undoubtedly an album rooted in politics and society - this much we know. But it’s also a record that digs into the musician’s relationship with other parts of the human experience…

HUMOUR “It’s a coping mechanism and it’s also a worldview. There’s not exactly a cabaret scene in New York but the comedy here is quite musical and there’s a lot of comedians that interact with people in interesting ways. They’re a bit younger than me - I’m the oldest millennial - but there’s something in that spirit that feels relevant.”

RELIGION “I grew up Mormon and I’m still ethnically Mormon. It’s like The Smiths song, ‘Meet Me At The Cemetery Gates’ - ‘Keats and Yeats are on your side, and Wilde is on mine’, you lose, haha. I’m sure Yeats is such a fucking asshole but that’s my heritage. The classic lineage of the Western canon is how I grew up.”

ADULTHOOD “I have three kids now, and it doesn’t make me worry about the future so much as it’s made me learn so much about humanity watching them - watching how it all goes into the ‘this is what humans are’ mill. On ‘Policy’, the protagonists are a motley crew of rag-tag whatevers, whereas this is much more a coming of age novel - not like a teenager becoming an adult, but an adult becoming a worse adult…”

As featured in the October 2020 issue of DIY, out now.

[kittybellestark]

Ok, talking about what you said about Sebastian and Romania, I just want to say that I am from Romania, and the situation is not so bad. Maybe it was then, but that was 30+ years ago, things have changed. I know it was hard for him because he was a kid and it was totally different in America. But, I must say, it becomes annoying ... he was not the only child who lived that period, many of them did not go anywhere and have a decent and beautiful life in Romania. Yes, there is a lot of corruption but other than that, is a normal and free country.

Hi, I’m not trying to invalidate Romanians or what Romania is currently like. I just want to push people to educate themselves especially when I see comments like I summarized in the previous post which romanticize the trauma that Sebastian Stan went through. And I’m only speaking about him now because of the interview he gave the other day talking about his experiences with Alexander and about Romania then and now and the discourse that has come from that. (Calling Seb a bad boy because he had to steal as a child, etc)

Yeah, so my points about Sebastian Stan and the interview is more about the reaction to him sharing his trauma. He spoke very openly about the trauma he had from his time in Romania and immigrating, and we see now that he is very very proud of his nationality.

But I still stand to the fact that no one should be romanticizing that trauma because he is famous. I don’t want to discount the experience people have had growing up and living in Romania.

Yes it was 30 years ago, but that’s still fairly recently in the gran scheme of things. Romania is still working through the effects of being under communism which we see in other countries such as Poland (where my grandparents had to leave the country due to similar issues).

In the interview, which I linking in my post, Sebastian and Alexander talk about how there are many people who stayed in Romania and had very happy lives.

So many people have romanticized what he had to go through. And that shouldn’t happen. Doesn’t matter whether his trauma was 30 years ago or not.

I’m in no way trying to say in my previous post that Romania is a poor country, with civil unrest where communism is still happening. But it is important to recognize that the recent history of Romania, and how that affects today.

I’m a second generation Canadian, but because of the trauma’s that my grand parents went through (living through wwii, being in a communist country, being forced onto a boat the make it to Canada to get refuge), my brother and I never learnt Polish traditions, or how to speak Polish. We couldn’t get our EU passports because our grandma wouldn’t get the paper work we needed to try and keep us safe. We’d have people make fun of our last names and my brothers first name (because they aren’t English names), Holocaust jokes were regularly, people have refused to accept service from me at my previous job because I looked to Polish (I’m 22). Obviously I’m not an immigrant, and the Polish experience vs the Romanian experience aren’t then same. But I’ve grown up listening to stories of what it was like to try and fit in and hiding apart of yourself, and being told if I ever traveled to certain places to give a fake last name if I’m asked. But there is trauma that my grandparents have experienced this is going to be similar to Sebastian’s, but if talk about my grandma’s experience people just won’t care bc they don’t have a connection.

And we see Poland (and many other Easter European countries) heading back towards authoritarian governments, which is only being escalated due to covid.

Obviously this isn’t everyone’s experience. I don’t want to say it is, but acknowledging history of other countries and understanding not to romanticize a persons trauma shouldn’t be a difficult thing or something I should have to say.

But yeah basically, romanticizing trauma is horrible. Being fans of Sebastian Stan we shouldn’t invalidate his experiences and his pain because others didn’t have the same experiences. If we’re going to be talking about Sebastians experiences we need to continue to educate ourselves in was happening back then. And we need to understand what is happening now. Eastern European countries aren’t in the greatest place politically. It sucks that people who don’t have a connection to these countries don’t understand what has happened or is currently happening in Romania or Poland or the rest or Eastern Europe. And it’s unfortunate that a lot of people will choose to not make the active decisions to educate themselves if I doesn’t affect them personally or a celebrity they love (in this case Sebastian Stan) lived through it.

My point is we shouldn’t take someone’s trauma and make it into an idea we have of Sebastian or any other celebrity. Everyone should keep an open mind about the immigrant experience and shouldn’t make mindless jokes about what that person went through.

People (specifically America/Canada) often don’t consider Eastern European people’s experience when they’re forced to move away for their safety because there’s a lack of education about it. None of these countries are brought up in history after WWII.

Anyways I hope that makes sense it’s like 2am so my thought process isn’t really all there. I’m sorry if I got things wrong but I just think these are really important things that need to be discussed and people need to educate themselves on and be more sensitive to it. I really don’t mean to invalidate your experiences, I just see that people are invalidating others experiences and that’s not cool. So sorry if I overstepped and got these things wrong