#could write more later if someone is interested-

[bitethedevil]

Imagine if Raphael was on the Material Plane in human form when he happens to cross paths with his little mouse (who he is infatuated with) and then, for one reason or another, someone mistakenly assumes that Tav is his spouse and refers to Tav as such ("Oh, apologizes, sir! I didn't realize your spouse would be joining you!"). How do you think he'd react? Do you think he'd go deer in headlights for a second? Would he just roll with it? Would he clear up the confusion?

(I deviated a bit from this ask. Just felt like writing a silly little thing. This one is just Raphael being his dramatic self and a complete ass to Tav lmao. Idk I really had fun with this one but it's not super romantic or anything. It's also not super edited)

Let's Get Divorced (Raphael x Tav)

Tav was in a bar, drinking with the most sweet and handsome man she had ever seen. He was kind, he was interested in her, and he had the cutest smile. It had been a little while since she had last been with someone, so she had high hopes that she would end up in this handsome stranger’s bed later.

Defeating the Netherbrain and getting rid of her tadpole had really done something to her libido. It is as if her brain was still craving that excitement that only multiple near-death experiences can bring a person, and now it was compensating for it by being constantly horny.

She managed to steal a little kiss from the cute man she was drinking with, and she felt her heart beating a little faster. She had him. She was sure of it. She would finally be able to release all that pent up sexual frustration she had.

She went up to the bar to get more drinks and to cool down for a short moment. Her blood was pumping from the kiss. That is when she heard an all too recognizable voice behind her:

“A moment of your time, if you would be so kind, mouse.”

Her heart fell and she turned around. He was looking just as disgruntled as the last time he sought her out and asked her for the Crown. She kept finding excuses for not delivering it to him, even though she had signed his contract. She was way too drunk to have this conversation with Raphael.

“Please,” she said. “Not tonight…”

“Not tonight, not last week, not a month ago,” he said annoyed. “I am running out of patience, dear.”

“And I’m sorry, I’ve been busy…” she said. “I obviously don’t have it on me right now. Just please…not tonight.”

“Busy, are you?” Raphael asked with a sneer. “And what is it that you are so terribly busy with this evening?”

“Uuuh…” Tav said and tried to think of an answer that was not ‘getting laid’, but her mind was not her friend at the moment, and she came up blank.

“That’s what I thought,” Raphael said. “You will take me to it, and you will personally hand it to me, tonight. I am not leaving before I have the Crown of Karsus in my hands.”

“Tomorrow, please,” she pleaded. “Come by tomorrow, and I promise you that I will give it to you.”

Her eyes quickly went to the man she had been talking to and she could see that he was staring at the two of them.

“Please, Raphael,” she said again.

Raphael slowly turned at looked at who she was looking at, before turning back to her.

“Is that what you are so occupied with?” Raphael asked her. “Chasing boys?”

“No…” she said.

Raphael gave her a look.

“Yes…” she admitted. “So what? Look, I promise I will hand you the Crown tomorrow. I will even place it on your head for you, just…let me have tonight…please.”

“You make me come to this disgusting establishment, you waste my time, you find excuse after excuse…” Raphael hissed at her. “I will not abide it, little mouse.”

“’Little mouse’?” she heard a voice behind Raphael ask. “Is he your husband or something?”

Her eyes widened slightly. Raphael’s anger disappeared the moment he heard the voice behind him, and a cruel smile spread across his face as he looked into Tav’s eyes.

“He is,” Raphael said smoothly and turned around to face the man she had been talking to. He put an arm around her waist as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him. “And you are?”

The man’s eyes went back and forth from Tav to Raphael in confusion. Tav was just as confused as to what just happened. She laughed nervously.

“Oh, he’s not…” she explained and pointed at Raphael. “I’m not married.”

“This again, my love?” Raphael asked her with feigned hurt and then looked at the man to address him. “She claims that she does not get enough attention at home, my little mouse.”

“Hahaaa, very funny. I have no idea what—” she said but was interrupted by Raphael, as his arm tightened around her waist.

“It is not the first time I have had to collect her from one of the city’s taverns, of course,” Raphael said with a dramatic sigh. “She keeps throwing herself at the patrons, you see. She can get quite unpleasant when she drinks too much.”

“He is not my husband!” Tav said to the man and tried to pry Raphael’s grip off her waist.

“I…I’m sorry, sir,” the man said to Raphael. “She never told me she was married.”

“I’m not!” she said loudly, still trying to squirm out of Raphael’s grip.

“Oh, that does sound like her,” Raphael said and punctuated it with a patronizing tap on her nose, still effortlessly holding her, despite her putting in her full strength in to get out of his grasp. “She has always been inclined to forget her obligations, isn’t that right, dearest?”

She looked the poor, sweet man who looked so confused and sad at the revelation. The whole situation was extremely awkward.

“Raphael, I will get you the damn…thing…” she said through gritted teeth, looking Raphael in the eyes. “Tell him that we are not married!”

“You say such hurtful things when you drink, my love,” Raphael said. She could see that he was fully enjoying this.

“Again, I am truly sorry for this misunderstanding,” the man said. “I will just…go…”

“No, no, don’t go. He is not my husband. He is a literal devil!” she said to him.

“She likes to exaggerate, don’t you, dear? Come, let us go home,” Raphael said to her as if he was dealing with an insane person and started dragging her out of the bar.

“But—” she said and took one last glance at the man as she was being pulled away.

Raphael only let go of her once they were outside the bar.

“It seems that your oh-so-busy schedule has been cleared,” Raphael said with a smile. “Now, take me to it.”

“There is no way that I would ever have married you of all people, just to make that clear,” Tav grumbled, slightly slurring. “Even the idea of it is offensive.”

“Oh, you wound me,” Raphael said with a cold expression. “Although, much like a marriage, we are bound together unless you fulfill your part of the deal. Of course, with us it is less of a ‘till death do us part’ arrangement and more of a… ‘when your death do us unite’ sort of thing. Let me remind you that I still have a contract, with your signature on it, that promises me your soul if you do not hand me the crown. As things currently stand, I own you, little mouse.”

Tav sighed deeply.

“Let’s go get fucking divorced then, I guess,” she drunkenly mumbled and turned to walk towards the direction of her house, to go get the crown for him, so that her part of the deal was fulfilled.

Raphael mood seemed to brighten at her surrender, and he offered her his arm to take as they started walking towards her home. Tav linked arms with him not to stumble.

She was moping about the fact that Raphael had ruined her chances at going home with someone. It was as if Raphael had read her mind.

“Before we do, I want to express how grateful I am that you finally came to your senses,” Raphael purred. “I am not without generosity for those who help me, and you clearly had a goal in mind for tonight. I would be a neglectful husband to leave my little mouse wanting, would I not?”

Tav’s brow furrowed as she looked at him. He smirked at her. Her eyes widened in realization.

…Oh?

[inlovewithquestionablecharacters]

Hello,

could you write a Hannibal fanfic, where the reader is Will‘s student ( very protective of her) and Hannibal takes a interest in her, after psych. evaluation? He starts wooing her over and Will (platonic) doesn‘t like it at all. In the end there is smut between the reader and Hannibal after a dinner party ?(Maybe Will later here‘s from Crawford about it, because Crawford went to Hannibal‘s house to get him for a case)

Hannibal x Reader: Off limits

Warnings: smut, kissing, patient x therapist, fingering, pet names, cowgirl, ridding, penetration ( p in v), no use of y/n, female reader

Words count: 4,6K (dear lord 🙃)

“I don’t know if this is a good idea Will.”

“Why not?”

“Talking to your psychiatrist about my shit? Don’t you think that crossing some kind of boundary?”

“First he's not my physiatrist, not officially anyway. And secondly I would say drinking at my house crosses more boundaries than this. That didn’t stop you though right?”

“Yeah I guess you’re right.”

“Plus you need this. Talking to someone about stuff helps.”

“Fine. You’re sure he’s okay with it right?”

A week ago Will had mentioned you to Hannibal for the first time since he’d started having his sessions. The conversation had begun because Hannibal had asked him if he had anyone in his corner that he could trust. Will had immediately thought of you. Despite being his student you had helped him through a lot of stuff and pretty soon he considered you more of a friend then a student. He worried people would accuse him of favoritism but you were one smart cookie so he didn’t really have to worry about that. You knew your shit. No one could deny that. Of course Will also worried about people spreading rumors that you were sleeping with him but when he’d shared his concerns with you you’d just shrugged. 

“People are gonna say shit about us anyway Will. I’m not gonna cut our friendship because of what some idiots say about us.”

He’d known he could count on you for anything but he could tell you were dealing with a lot more shit then you’d let on.  It was one of the reasons why he’d told Hannibal about you. Will wondered if maybe talking with someone you knew he trusted would put your mind at ease. So here the two of you were standing in front of Hannibal's office door. You fiddle with your fingers trying your best to call your racing mind. Will notices your fidgeting causing him to grab onto your hand. You look up at him with a small smile which he returns. You hear the door open making your head snap to look at it.

Hannibal takes in the sight before him, his eyes catching on the way Wills hand is latched onto yours. He forces his gaze to move back up to your face. His eyes soften a bit at the sight of you. You have a sort of deer in headlights look in your eyes and Hannibal can’t help but feel a bit of pity. From what Will had told him you weren’t super into the whole therapy thing but you’d accepted to talk to him because Will thought it would help. Still from the look in your eyes Hannibal could tell you were hesitant. He would have to convince you that you could trust him. 

Dr. Lecter gave you a welcoming smile before stepping to the side and gesturing for you to enter. You looked at Will for a moment, a twinge of fear present on your features. Will simply gave your hand a squeeze before letting it go.

“It'll be alright. Dr. Lecter will take care of you. I’ll be here waiting for you.”

“You aren’t going to come in?”

“I’ve found that the session works best if it's just the two of us.”

You glanced at Hannibal as he spoke, trying to make up your mind about him. He placed his palm out to you, inviting you to take his hand. After a moment of hesitation you accepted his invitation, taking his hand in yours and allowing him to guide you inside. He released your palm once you were inside, turning to close the door behind you.

You watched as Will's face slowly became out of view, his boyish smile no longer able to be seen. You turned around, taking in your surroundings. You’d never done this before so you didn’t really know how it worked. Should you sit down? Or were you supposed to lay down like they showed in the movies? 

Luckily for you Hannibal seemed to sense your confusion. He made his way to his chair, taking a seat before gesturing to the empty seat before him. 

“Please make yourself comfortable.”

You did as he asked, making your way over to the chair. You moved a bit trying to find a comfortable position. Hannibal watched you squirm a bit, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. You were quite a sight. Will seemed to have forgotten to mention that. Not that that bothered Hannibal. In fact he welcomed the surprise.

Once you were satisfied with your position you stopped fidgeting and raised your gaze to look at Hannibal. For the first time you saw him. Really saw him. He was oddly attractive with a sort of Victorian beauty. You weren’t used to guys like that. In the FBI most of the guys were covered in scars and built like monster trucks. They needed to look tough, even if they weren’t. That was just part of the job. 

But the man before you was nothing like that. With his tailored suit and perfectly combed hair he looked like a man of great importance. The sort of guy you’d call when you needed tickets into some sort of high society party. And yet he had this sort of energy to him that made you feel he wasn’t as innocent as he seemed. If anything his looks hid behind them a sort of unfiltered violence. But somehow you didn’t fear him. In fact you found yourself suddenly intrigued by a man you’d only exchanged less than a few words with. 

That was about to change however. Because the moment Hannibal started talking to you it seemed like everything you’d been holding in for years just started to spill out. You told him about how you were treated in the FBI, about how no one thought you had it in you to deal with this kind of stuff. You told him about your home life and your relationship with your family. Your deepest thoughts spilled onto the floor of Hannibal's office and he didn’t seem to mind. He listened to you with so much attention and understanding that it shocked you a bit. By the end of the session you felt like someone had taken the weight of your shoulders. 

Will watched you come out of the room, the sound of your laugh filling his ears as you and Hannibal finished talking. A sudden wave of anger filled Will's chest. What had Hannibal said to make you laugh in such an unfiltered manner? The thing about Will was that he was very protective of you. He saw you like a little sister so he couldn’t help but become on edge when in the span of one hour Hannibal had managed to strip away any hesitancy you had entered the session with. He was glad you seemed lighter but he also knew Hannibal and he couldn’t help but worry about his intentions with you. 

“I’ll see you next week Dr. Lecter.”

“Just Hannibal is fine dear. There’s no need for these pleasantries.”

“Okay then Hannibal. Same time next week?”

“See you then dear. It was nice seeing you Will.”

Will rose from his seat giving Hannibal one final glance before making his way to you. He placed his hand on your back guiding you towards the door. Hannibal didn't miss the way Will looked at him, but the thought disappeared when he saw the smile you gave him before you left. There was no denying it now. Hannibal found himself very interested in you. If there was something about Hannibal it was that he got what he wanted. And right now what he wanted was you.

You continued to have your sessions with Hannibal. Sometimes you’d talk about the FBI and your studies. Other times you’d talk of your dreams of the future. And then there were days where you felt like you had nothing to say so you’d convince Hannibal to tell you about himself. You’d begun to enjoy your sessions. The closer the day came the more anxious you became. You found yourself contemplating what to wear to therapy. Even though you knew your feelings weren’t exactly “professional” you couldn’t get yourself to care. You’d often catch Hannibal looking at you in ways that didn’t scream professionalism. The more you talked to him the more you felt like you were becoming friends and then one day Hannibal decided to make up his mind.

You were walking around the room, a habit you’d developed during your sessions. Hannibal watched you move around the room, his eyes following the sway of your hips. You had been talking about Will and Hannibal couldn’t  seem to hold his tongue any longer.

“Are you interested in Will Graham?  Romantically I mean.”

“What? No way! I mean Will is great and all but I see him more like an older brother then anything. He’s been there for me you know?”

You turned to look at Hannibal, your eyes finding him. He stared up at you with a blank look.

“Why do you ask?”

“Oh you just talk alot about him is all.”

“Oh come on Hannibal. Talking about someone a lot doesn’t mean you like them. You of all people should know that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you talk about Dr Bloom a lot but you’re not….interested in her.”

Hannibal watched your brows furrow for a moment, your gaze suddenly glued to the ground. 

“Unless you are and I've just read it completely wrong.”

You tried to keep your voice steady and impassive but Hannibal could see the slight disappointment in your tone. He called out your name forcing you to return your gaze to him. You glanced down at him in curiosity. 

“You are right. Talking about someone doesn't mean you like them.”

You held your breath for a moment awaiting for the verbal confirmation of what you already imagined. 

“I am not romantically interested in Dr. Bloom. I merely respect her as a professional.”

You let out a small sigh, trying your hardest to not show the joy you felt. Hannibal rose from his seat making his way to his desk. You watched him open one of the drawers grabbing a piece of paper. He made his way back to you standing mere inches from you. You looked at the piece of paper in his hand before grabbing it. Your eyes ran over the words scrawled out in his handwriting.

“What’s this?”

“An invitation. I’m having a dinner party on Saturday and I'd love for you to come.”

Will had told you about Hannibal's dinner parties and his custom of inviting people over for dinner but you never imagined you’d be one of these lucky few. A smile tugged at the corner of your mouth. You looked up at Hannibal catching the way his eyes narrowed in on your lips. 

“Thank you. I’ll be there.”

“Wonderful. It seems our time is up. I’ll see you at the party then.”

He walked you over to the door opening it for you. You nodded your head in thanks, making your way out. Just as Hannibal was about to close the door you spun around.

“Oh um… I've never been to a dinner party. What should I wear?”

It seemed like a silly question but you wanted to fit in with Hannibal's friends. You wanted to show him you could keep up with him. Hannibal looked at you for a moment before speaking.

“Wear whatever you feel like dear. I’m sure you’ll look beautiful in anything you choose. Your presence is the only thing that matters to me.”

Your heart almost stopped at Hannibal's words. It's had been a while since someone had given you such an unfiltered and direct compliment. You were a bit taken aback. In a good way of course.

Hannibal had just revealed to you, in a short amount of words, that he found you beautiful in any way and that he enjoyed being around you. Your mouth was dry as you tried to force yourself to speak. You managed to make your brain work enough to squeak out a small ‘Thank you until Saturday’ before racing to your car. 

When Saturday finally came you were practically buzzing with anxiety. You’d tried on three different outfits and settled on one you thought fit in with a dinner party, something stylish but not too flashy. The whole drive over to Hannibal's house you couldn’t seem to calm the hammering of your heart. You tried blasting music to calm yourself but it didn’t work. Fortunately your brain seemed to go into automatic mode because before you knew it you were parking in front of Hannibal's home. You stared at the house from the car window, noticing the lights peeking through the curtains. You took a deep breath in trying to dull the anxiousness you felt.

“He invited you. He wants you here. There is nothing to worry about.”

You stepped out of the car making your way to the door. You thought of knocking for a moment but you doubted he’d be able to hear it over the classical music that seeps through the door. Your finger moved to ring the doorbell, heels tapping the ground as you waited. You turned around talking in the rest of the houses on the street. 

Hannibal made his way to the door tugging it open. He didn’t know who to expect, he’d invited quite a lot of people and many of them still hadn’t arrived. All thoughts seemed to leave his mind when his eyes caught onto your frame. You had your back turned to him, the backless dress you’d decided to wear allowing him to see your bare skin. He stared at you for a moment opting to bask in your beauty before calling your attention. 

You spun on your heels as the music suddenly grew louder, eyes falling on hannibal. He was wearing a suit like he always was but you could tell this one was special. You were suddenly relieved by your choice of clothing. 

“Good evening dear.”

“Hi.”

“You look exquisite. But then again I knew you would. Please come on in.”

You took a cautious step forward entering his home. Hannibal closed the door behind you. 

“Come there are some people I want you to meet.”

He placed his palm on your back guiding you around the room. You were used to Will doing that when he was around you but it felt different with Hannibal. There was something arousing about the feeling of his bare skin on yours. You welcomed the feeling, moving across the room full of people with ease. Hannibal didn’t leave your side the entire party. Whenever he needed to do something he’d ofer his forearm to you, a silent request for you to join him. You laughed along with his friends and filled yourself up with the vast variety of food Hannibal had prepared. 

As the night went on people began to leave. They’d thank Hannibal for the invitation and go on their way. Oftentimes they’d thank you for hosting as well and you simply didn’t have it in you to correct them. You understood that the way you behaved with Hannibal made it seem like you were an item and even though you knew it was wrong you felt a thrill at the thought.

You finished saying goodbye to the last few people left at the party, closing the door behind you. Once you made sure it was locked you made your way over to the kitchen. Hannibal stood before the counter, his hands working on drying a glass of wine. His head snapped up at the sound of your heels against the floor. You smiled at him, making your way to where he was. 

“Need help?”

“No that's alright. There are only a few left.”

“Okay”

You turned to look at the clock seeing the time.

“It’s already that late? I should probably get going.”

You didn’t want to leave but you knew better than to overstep. Hannibal hadn't invited you to stay over. He'd invited you to the dinner party and that had already ended. Hannibal placed the glass in the cupboard before turning to look at you.

“Don’t go yet. There is something I want to show you.”

“Oh okay.”

“Go wait in the living room, I'll be there in a bit.”

You made your way over to the living room. Your feet were starting to hurt so you decided to take off your heels, leaving them by the couch. You walked around the room, making your way over to an odd looking instrument. You sat down on the bench in front of it, eyes moving over the instrument as you tried to understand what it was. 

“It’s a theremin.”

Your head snapped over to where Hannibal stood. He had removed his vest and suit jacket leaving him in only his dress shirt. 

“How do you play it?”

Hannibal made his way to you. You looked up at him when he stopped next to were you sat.

“May i?”

“Yeah of course.”

Hannibal moved to sit behind you. You sucked in a breath at the feeling of his chest against your back.

“It’s a difficult instrument. You must find the right pitch.”

You watched Hannibal move his hand over the empty air, a small gasp leaving your lips as sound began to come out of the instrument. Hannibal turned to look at you. His heart warmed at the smile that had spread over your face. 

“Would you like to try?”

“Oh sure.”

“Give me your hand.”

You lifted your arm allowing Hannibal to grasp your hand in his own.

“Relax your fingers. And try to keep your hand steady.”

You were finding it rather difficult to stop shaking due to the closeness you had to Hannibal. Every time he spoke you could feel his hot breath on your neck and your mind couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like to have his lips on your skin. Hannibal guided you hand with his. Sound filled the room once more but it wasn’t as nice sounding as when Hannibal had played himself.

“This is hard.”

“It is. The theremin requires a lot of practice. You have to be good with your hands.”

You wondered if he’d meant the innuendo or if he was simply talking and your diary mind had understood something else but you weren't about to waste your opportunity.

“You must have quite skilled hands then Hannibal.”

“I haven’t had any complaints yet.”

A small whine escaped your mouth, immediately followed by a pathetic sigh of Hannibal's name. HIs hand had found its way to your thigh, fingers drawing small shapes on the skin. Instinctively your body relaxed into his frame, your back pressing up against his chest. Hannibal's hand continued to travel down your thigh moving closer and closer to where you wanted him most. His lips found their way to your neck placing kisses to the skin. Your head moved to the side, offering up more of your neck up to him. He sucked a hickey onto you, marking you as his. 

“The body is a lot like a theremin.”

Your body jolted forward as his fingers found their way to your pussy. He reached into your underwear, slender fingers moving against your folds. You reached for his thigh hands wrapping around it in desperation. 

“You just have to find the right pitch to make someone-” 

A moan ripped through your body as he entered his fingers into you. 

“Sing.”

Your legs widened, allowing Hannibal to move with more freedom. His fingers moved into you at a slow pace. If it weren't for the pleasure he was bringing you you would almost think he was trying to torture you. Your free hand found its way to his cheek forcing him to turn to look at you. You place your forehead against his, panting as his thumb found your clit.

Hannibal watched your brows furrow as your eyes rolled back in your head for a second, your mouth falling open in a silent moan. He adored you like this. Completely wrapped around his finger.  Your nose bumped against his as you moved to kiss him. His lips welcomed you with ease, mouth opening to let your tongue in. Your muscle moved against his as he continued to pleasure you with his hands. You disconnected your lips from Hannibal, a small string of spit continuing to connect him to you. You were starting to get closer to your orgasm and Hannibal could tell. Your hand latched onto his shoulder, nails digging into the skin beneath his shirt. He kept his face close to yours as he continued to work on making you cum. Your breath fanned over his nose as you struggled to keep your eyes open. Your hips bucked up into Hannibal's hand searching for the last bit of friction you needed. With a skilled move of his thumb over your clit Hannibal had you cumming on his fingers. Your body spasmed against him, head falling onto his shoulder as white flashed over your vision.  

Hannibal watches your chest rise and fall rapidly as you float back to consciousness. He removes his fingers from your pussy guiding them to your lips. You open your mouth to him, sucking on his digits eagerly. Your eyes snapped open as he removed his fingers from your mouth, placing them inside his own for a moment before releasing them with a pop. You look at him dumbly, your mind completely fogged from your orgasm. Hannibal guides his hand to wrap around your face. You allow him to crash his lips onto yours, your body molding into him once again. It's then that you feel the hardness of him against you.

The feeling of his arousal sends a shock wave into your body making you come back to reality completely. You break the kiss, maneuvering your body so that you're facing Hannibal. You lift your body placing your thighs against his, forcing him to close his legs. You gaze down at him as you move to straddle him, your hand moving to his zipper. Hannibal continues to look up at you as you relive his dick of its confines. A pleased sound makes its way out of your throat at the sight of him. Your free hand moves to your pussy, tugging your soaked underwear to the side. You inch yourself down onto Hannibal's dick, watching his face scrunch up at the feeling of you.  His hands find your hips, his impatience causing him to tug you down onto his dick in one go. You gasp at the stretch hands moving to grasp onto his shoulders. 

“Fuck hannibal.”

“Feel so good dear. So perfect around me.”

You lift your hips slowly before bringing them back down. You try to start off slow but pretty soon your desperation gets a hold of you. Your hands move to Hannibal's neck, arms wrapping around him. Hannibal presses his face against your chest, his own arms moving to wrap around you. His hips move up, fucking into you. You try to help him as best you can but your thighs are already starting to hurt from being in this position too long. It doesn't seem like Hannibal minds though. In fact once he notices you’re giving your body up to him he seems to find some super strength because before you know it he’s ramming into you.

Your body bounces against his as he guides you up and down on his dick. You release his neck moving your hands to rest on his thighs. The new angle allows him to move against you with more ease causing him to speed up. Before you can even tell him you’re close you’re already gushing around him. Hannibal grunts as his cum paints your walls, his hand moving to rest against your chest. Your fingers move over his hair as he regains his breath, face still pressed against you. 

Hannibal lifts his head allowing him to look at you. You have lipstick smeared all over your face and your hair is all tangled but your face holds a look of pure unfiltered joy. Hannibal grins up at you, his hands moving to cup your cheek before pulling you into a tender kiss. You let out a satisfied hum against his lips. He breaks the kiss, his forehead resting against yours.

“Sleep here tonight.”

“Okay.”

You wake the next morning to the sound of the door bell. You groan, lifting your head from Hannibal's neck to look at the time.

“Who the hell is at your house this early on a sunday?”

“Shh go back to bed. They’ll leave soon.”

You snuggle back into Hannibal  allowing him to tug you closer. Sleep starts to take over your mind just as the doorbell rings again causing you to let out another groan. 

“I should see who it is.”

“Yeah and tell them to fuck of while you’re at it.”

Hannibal chuckles at your words, kissing your cheek before moving to get out of bed. You lift yourself up wrapping the sheets around your bare body as you watch Hannibal tug a sweater over his head. 

“Stay there dear. I’ll be right back.”

You nod at him watching him leave the room. He left the bedroom door open allowing you to hear him open the door.

“Jack, what are you doing here?”

Oh shit. 

You scramble out of bed tugging on one of Hannibal's sweaters before searching the ground for your underwear. You almost fall over as you try to put it on but you manage to do so without causing an accident. You pad through the house barefoot making your way to the front door. 

“Good morning. Sorry to wake you up so early but we have a case that we need help with. Will said you-”

Jack's eyes caught sight of you standing in the corner. Hannibal seemed to notice the shift in Jack's attention causing him to look in the direction he was staring at. Hannibal's eyes fell on your frame observing the way his sweater looked on you. You looked at him, your hands fiddling with each other. 

“Is everything okay?”

Hannibal stuck his hand out to you inviting you to come over. You made your way to them allowing Hannibal to pull to him. He placed a kiss on your temple.

“Hi Jack.”

“Hello rookie. I didn’t know you knew Hannibal.”

“Will introduced us.”

“He knows you’re here?”

“No. Why?”

“He called me yesterday. Said you weren’t home. And that you didn’t pick up your phone.”

“Is that why you came?”

“Oh no. We have a murder we need Hannibal to help with.”

“Okay. I’ll come too.”

Jack gave you a look of surprise. 

“You aren’t ready for the field, rookie.”

“And Will is?”

Jack opened his mouth to counter you but he knew better. He knew you were close with Will so he knew that Will had told him of all the shit he'd been through because of the FBI. Plus he knew you were famous for your stubbornness and he really didn’t feel like dealing with it right now.

“Fine. Go get ready. Both of you.”

With that Jack exited the house moving to grab his phone out of his pocket. He dialed Will's number. The phone rang twice before he picked up.

“I got Hannibal. We are going to the crime scene now.”

“Okay i’ll be there in a few.”

“Oh and I found your friend. You’ll never guess where.”

Will didn’t even need Jack to finish his phrase to know where you were. Anger bubbled into his body again. He’d have to have a talk with Hannibal about professional boundaries.

[xxavengingangelxx]

Graves Defragged 1/?

As promised, here is the first part of deconstructing Graves. This part touches on the first half of the psychopath traits I want to discuss. Below is my take! I am NOT licensed to make these decisions. This is just for fun. It also touches on why I write Graves like a heartless mf'er in my longer fics. Because Graves is a heartless motherfucker.

Not proofread. I'm posting this before going to bed cause it's the only time I got between working 60+ hours a week, house chores, keeping hubby fed, etc.

To touch on my sociopath vs. psychopath post earlier, there are some in the field who argue that a sociopath is made and a psychopath is born. We don’t have enough information on Graves’s background to see whether or not he’s shown the same callous disregard for human life, disregard for rules, and narcissism earlier on. But he certainly shows those traits now.

And we do have this:

Graves: "That uniform was a limitation. I shed that skin..." Soap: "Like a fuckin' snake-" Graves: "Like a fucking soldier, son." — Soap confronts Graves about his past.

Let’s assume Graves was born a psychopath. It’s certainly possible. And if Adler is his father, then he’s got the genes for killing, anyway. Yes there are theories that say there are genes for criminality but I can post more on that later if y’all are interested.

How many traits of a psychopath does he actually have? Based on the behavior, we’ve seen, quite a bit!

Robert Hare, a Canadian psychologist, created the Hare Psychopathy Checklist (known today as the Hare Psychopathy Checklist Revised). Let’s go through the items with our crush man Graves in mind. Each of these items is rated a 0 if it does not apply, a 1 if it kind of applies, and a 2 if it definitely applies. They are added up at the end. Max score is a 40.

Item 1: Glibness and superficial charm = 2

You’re kidding me, right? Graves is the man of charm and glib. His good fuckin’ looks certainly help him out.

Image credit: @Vault21 on Tumblr

Remember Dark Water? Yeah…they trusted each other like brothers. Soap even hugged Graves! Graves had them  (and us) fooled because not much later he betrayed them like they were enemies.

Item 2: Grandiose sense of self-worth = 1

Graves is narcissistic. We can all agree on that, right? He thought he was too good for the Marines, that the Marines were not good enough for such a special person like himself. And I could be wrong here, but he is massively successful, likely a billionaire so doesn’t he get to be a little narcissistic?

Item 3: Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom = 2

Graves was so bored in the Marines, one of the toughest branches of the military, that he saw his uniform as a limitation and sought out to make his own company of mercenaries who don’t really answer to anyone. Also, how many CEOs do you see in the field like Graves is? Close to none. He lives for getting shot at and chased. He has a scar on his face to prove it!

Item 4: Pathological lying = 2

Is this even a question? Graves lied so well to 141 that they trusted him and saw him as a brother in arms. Also, remember the scene from Congress?

Image credit: BabyZone on YouTube.

Which leads me to…

Item 5: Conning/manipulative = 2

Phillip Graves is a conman. If you look up conman in the dictionary there’d be a picture of Graves or there should…it’d make the dictionary less boring. According to Google’s dictionary, the definition of conman is, “a man who cheats or tricks someone by gaining their trust and persuading them to believe something that is not true.” I can think of a few examples. Again, Dark Water

Image credit: Wallpaper Cave

Also, the Congress scene where he lies (about WAR CRIMES) like he’s talking about the weather.

And when he pulled the rug out from under 141 in Las Almas.

Which in turn takes us to…

Item 6: Lack of remorse/guilt = 2

Graves betrayed 141, the men he had fought next to, defended, befriended all while gaining their trust.

All while smiling about it!

Image credit: halgalvv on TikTok

Look!

Image credit: Call of Duty Wiki

Which also reminds me of the war crimes Graves committed in Las Almas. Some argue that Graves cleaned house by killing off people who were supporting the cartels but based on what I’ve been told there were children in this town as well.

This also brings me to the topic of Graves’s Shadows. These men are okay with war crimes. Shadows are okay with killing people just because Graves said to. In one (or more?) of my fics I portray Shadows as I see them: callous and even sadistic with how they agree to torture a prisoner of war (POW), going so far as using rape as a weapon if Graves gives the word.

Are there some Shadows who can’t engage in this kind of behavior? Perhaps. So Graves knows which men to pick to carry out war crimes. At least that’s how I see it.

Psychopaths have physical differences in the make up of their brain that make them UNABLE to feel guilty, remorse, or fear. So when I hear people asking how serial killers and other criminals deal with their guilt, I say they do not because it doesn't exist to them. They have no idea what guilt is.

Remember: It’s not that psychopaths choose not to feel/ignore guilt. It’s that their brain is completely INCAPABLE of this emotion.

You might be asking why/how: Psychopaths think the same thing about you…how can you feel guilt? Why would you want to?

Item 7: Shallow affect = 1

Only because we are unable to see how Graves functions emotionally away from the battlefield. My forensic psychology professor said that psychopaths have 2 emotions: rage and joy. Have you seen Graves portray anything else, really? In another fic, Graves supposedly says he loves OC. Like he even knows what that means. He doesn’t. He loves controlling her and abusing her, yes.

If Graves had a kid like he does in the same fic, he doesn’t feel much affection towards him. He just likely sees him as an extension of his partner. A future soldier, someone Graves can start training from young. Something he can use to control and keep his partner in line.  That child, from the moment he was born is seen as an asset by Graves. Plus, there are some good chances that kiddo might have inherited Graves’s genes that pass on his psychopathy. And even if that child does not, there’s a good chance he could develop as a sociopath because he’s not likely to see much more other than Graves continuing to abuse and control his partner and battlefield conditions.

Item 8: Callousness/lack of empathy = 2

This relates to a lack of remorse. You might ask how can Graves not feel empathy for how 141 must feel after he betrayed them? Because, like the shallow emotions and lack of remorse, Graves’s brain cannot do it. He doesn’t have the neurons for it. He doesn’t have the brain structure for it. It’s not that Graves chooses not to feel or ignore empathy. He CANNOT. It’s almost like asking someone with very low math ability to do a PhD in physics. It’s not that they’re lazy. They do not have the aptitude for it.

Graves does not have the aptitude for remorse or empathy because he doesn’t have the brain structure that makes that happen.

He think's it's funny.

Image credit: Einstein Ibraheem on YouTube

Item 9: Parasitic lifestyle = 0

Finally, one that does NOT apply to Graves. This man refuses to depend on anyone. He’s a fucking billionare that can get whatever the hell he wants whenever he wants it.

Item 10: Poor behavioral controls = 0

Hear me out! Graves is not impulsive. Lots of psychopaths are due to limitations in a part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex as well as other parts to include the limbic system. Graves is not limited in that manner. He plans, he’s meticulous, he’s detailed, and he gets away with a lot of shit because of it. Graves is not impulsive. Get him mad and he might smack the shit out of you (more than once if you make him mad enough) but when it comes to important decisions, he takes his painstaking time.

So fear we are up to the score of 14! He has scored positive on 14/20 possible points.

More to come!

[nunalastor]

Lord, I just saw the DND AU and now I'm praying for someone to write it because I know absolutely nothing about DND.

It funnier is the two people we know can alter reality (Alastor and Lucifer) get more and more into it as the game progresses. And as they do, there are some... subtle changes to them. And the hotel. And the residents.

...and maybe Hell. (That was purely Lucifer's fault.)

It starts out small. Just small behaviors and quirks from their characters. The others barely notice, and think it's pretty funny when they do. Alastor and Lucifer's outfits almost start to kind of look like their characters', and okay, that's pretty fun too. Charlie's happy about this, because they're finally interested in one of her activities, and it seems to be helping them get along! Their characters are friendly to each other, and their dynamic starts to leak out into their real world interactions.

The others play into it a bit. Nifty's started wearing her costume whenever she's going on another bug murdering spree, and Angel keeps slipping into character at the bar just to annoy Husk.

The others think that Alastor and Lucifer's changes are so amusing, they fail to notice their own. Their voices, outfits, behaviors.

And the hotel's decor seems... different lately, no?

The campaign is getting better and better with each session, and people online are loving it. The props and voices are more accurate, and the roleplaying is really gripping.

Then the hotel in attacked. Because, yes, even with the king living there, some sinners are a little too in over their heads. But... they're also dressed kinda weird. Sorta like the NPCs from the campaign. The hotel doesn't really notice; they're too busy killing them off. Suspiciously, their fighting styles kind of mirror the ones they use in game.

Some time later, someone somewhat sane leaves the hotel for an errand run (probably Vaggie or Charlie). And, did the surrounding towns always look like this? And there seems to be less gratuitous violence at every corner. There are merchants, and people acting like village-folk. Maybe some overlord recently took over this district, someone like Rosie. (Vaggie's really unsure about that, but what else could it be?)

At some point, someone runs up to them, asking them for help finding their lost child. Will do! Hah, it almost sounds like one of their quests from earlier on in the campaign. But this is real life. They find and return the child to their mother, who offers to pay them for their help. They decline the strangely generous offer and move along with their day.

Things start getting really weird when the other overlords starts acting weird, almost like the bosses from the campaign. (And no, none of them notice their own changes either.)

Okay, the hotel's starting to realize how out of control things are getting. Something is definitely wrong, but they're too in character at this point to fully place it. It takes Ozzy making a visit to the Pride Ring to see, "Holy shit, this place has fully transformed." It barely even looks like Hell- the sky isn't even red anymore!

Literally nobody else in the Pride Ring clocks the changes; they all just kinda accept it and act like it's normal.

I don't even know how this would happen, but it would be absolutely hilarious is Heaven somehow got involved. (Maybe this is why there was that whole "Satanic Panic" around DND...)

👀

[kazz-brekker]

oh babyyyy we are back and in order to process my thoughts i must write my thoughts on hotd season 2 premiere:

i'm a little sad we only got to be in the north for about 5 minutes but, you know, they were a good 5 minutes. winterfell! the wall! ice! cregan teasing jace about being a southerner! i'm a house stark stan and always will be!

i like the new tapestry-like intro, i think the city/family tree concept of the original one was an interesting idea but hard to follow unless you had the whole targ family tree memorized.

i enjoy rhaenys not taking shit from daemon. that's my queen who never was!

rhaenyra mourning luke was good but rough. emma d'darcy actor that you are etc etc. very impressed by how much they were able to do with no dialogue.

alyn of hull sighting! and hugh hammer, later in the episode! however this plot goes, i think it's going to be interesting.

i feel like there is gonna be a lot of discourse about alicent and criston cole sleeping together but honestly i just liked the continued symbolism of criston taking off his white cloak when doing something that breaks his vows.

my sister was sitting next to me as i was watching this episode and can vouch for the fact that i very loudly said "OH NO" when helaena said she was afraid of the rats.

i bet i'm really going to enjoy aegon this season, tom glynn-carney has absolutely fantastic comedic timing and i'm intrigued by aegon's characterization of trying to be a good father and ruler but not really knowing what he's doing.

tyland lannister fighting for his life against a 4-year-old at the council meeting DID make me giggle.

didn't see a lot of aemond this episode but nothing so far has broken my headcanon that he lies in bed at night staring at the ceiling be like "what the fuck have i gotten have i gotten myself into" while pretending to be scary and cool in public.

weirdly excited that they showed rhaenyra dismounting from syrax because they never actually showed that in season 1 and i was starting to wonder how they got on and off the dragons.

mysaria's accent is so much better this season, god bless.

jace trying to get through his report to rhaenyra without crying and not managing it DID get to me.

"i want aemond targaryen" so true my queen i'll fetch him myself, anything for you.

my heart was beating incredibly hard during the last 15 minutes of this episode, not gonna lie.

the execution of blood and cheese is also something i think there will be a lot of drama about but i'll give my 2 cents and say that think it was well done.

vengeance is cool and all but i never really understood why the black used the ability to get men into the red keep to kill a kid when they could have tried to take out someone more important to the war effort instead, so aemond being the original target actually worked for me.

the scene cutting away when blood and cheese ask daemon what they should do if they can't get aemond reminds me of the "heir for a day" part from the pilot–we don't see what happens, but can infer his response.

i was also curious how they were going to include helaena being forced to make a choice if maelor doesn't exist, and i think that was probably the best way it could be managed.

i am so, so, SO glad that we didn't actually see the murder on-screen, the sound effects were bad enough.

that sure was a way to kick off the season! we are definitely back!

[tatitex1]

I guess I’m writing here again to get the hyperfixations out lol

Here’s an AU:

Supernatural ft. infamous hunters: the Oowada brothers, Daiya and Mondo. Daiya is the elder, more chill between the two while Mondo is the aggressive, but highly loyal little brother, both of them are damn good at their jobs with the help of the intelligent Chihiro Fujisaki gathering intelligence before every job. The brothers are famous for two things: getting the job done and the sounds of the revs of engines as they drive on their motorcycles (which if either even gets a scratch, oof, I feel bad for the guy that’ll be at the end of Mondo’s foot-).

Long story short, Mondo is bound for hell after making a deal to save Daiya’s life after both are hit by a truck coming back from a job and then, he was rescued by none other than an angel, Taka.

“My name is Kiyotaka and I am an angel of the lord.”

And whom Mondo’s first impression is a tight ass with a tight ass.

“Keep it in your pants, little bro.”

“Shut the fuck up, Daiya.”

Taka is tasked with watching over the Oowada brothers in preparation for the apocalypse, both of which are heavily involved as being the saviors or the destroyers of Earth as they know it.

AU also features Taka’s angelic brother Hiro who likes fiddling with human stuff, a rather goofy weapons maker in the form of the Oowadas��� friend Kazuichi and demonologists Sonia and Gundham. Not to mention the king of Hell Izuru and his human counterpart Hajime, the warlock Nagito and poor Makoto, who is now stuck as the prophet of the lord.

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

[bayofwolves]

thinking about writing a little something in the canon timeline about abeke's adult life where she continues to deal with her grief over shane, who really did die in the burning tide. jumping around to different time periods: she's the new face of greencloak leadership, she's married (but her husband notably doesn't make an appearance), she has a daughter. her life is a dream. but with each of these milestones, she is reminded of shane. the person she might have had this life with if things had been different.

i don't usually like to delve into canon past the return because thinking about shane's death makes me feel sick to my stomach. but this is too good and beautiful and tragic of an idea to pass up.

[icewindandboringhorror]

I still very loathe the Media Trope of ‘’cold genius man doesn’t feel emotions and never has relationships... UNTIL.. one random relatively bland Preddy Woman comes along and warps his entire personality and ability to think, his heart has grown and his seeming asexuality has evaporated, he is now Normal :)” or whatever like... AS a walking generic hermit archetype myself.. we would NOT act like that .... just let people be detached weirdos in peace, you cowards .. OR, don’t bother to write one in the first place if you find us too boring to exist realistically in our natural state lol.. pathetic 

[citrine-elephant]

what if zane just had implants in his brain to make him think faster (on account of how fast he can move and process the battlefield)

but it was just that meme of "i'm stupid, FASTER"

[ethicstownpod]

This has a point - bear with me! I turned twenty-two a non-specified number of days ago. I was at work. My colleagues, upon learning this, got me a card and a cake and threw me a party before our DnD game. They put all this together in the span of my right hour shift; I've only worked there six months. My colleagues are some of my favourite people in the whole world.

My flatmate loves tiktok, an app I despise. But every day she saves rat videos, and then shows them to me when I get home from work/class. My other flatmate once hand-drew me wrapping paper of a hideous little cartoon man because he knew it would make me laugh.

My cousin, who’s eight, always asks everyone else if they want to play with his X-box before he does. There’s a girl in my class who always stops people on the way out to tell them she really liked the points they were making in discussions that day. Every discord server I’ve ever been in has a channel for sharing pictures of your pet. I’ve never met a person who doesn’t want to brag about their friends. I love when you make a baby laugh on the bus, so they try to make you laugh in return.

And now the point! The point is that I think people are so good. So unbelievably, fundamentally good. And I want to write people like that. Even when they’re not being actively good, there’s So Much Good inside of them. There are so many wonderful people in my life, I feel I would be doing them a disservice by not portraying just how amazing people can be.

[iknityounot]

(Long post, sorry y'all)

A little more than two years ago now, my grandmother passed away. She and my grandpa had moved down to my home town a few years before so we could take care of them. I brought them groceries once a week, helped them write checks, fixed tvs, and found lost things. I was really close with my grandma.

In addition to her hilarious personality and dry wit, one of my favorite things about her was that she was a painter and a crafter like me! She used to crochet, and I took her to the craft store a couple of times so she could get more yarn and books on crochet. But her arthritis and the shaking in her hands kept getting worse, so she eventually had to stop.

She kept her most recent project, a granny square blanket, safely packed away in a plastic bin. She told all of us she was going to finish it one day.

Her hands never got better, and when she got sick, and we found out it was cancer, she rapidly deteriorated.

After she passed, I went to work helping my mom clean out my grandparents apartment so we could move my grandpa in with her. In our frantic cleaning, I found that bin again:

DOZENS of granny squares, dozens of half used skeins. I asked my mom what she wanted me to do with it, and she said she didn't care. I set it aside and later took it home.

Maybe a month later, that tumblr post about the Loose Ends Project was going around. It felt like a sign--I was never going to learn to crochet in order to finish my grandmother's blanket. But they might be able to help!

So I filled out the interest form. They got back to me SUPER quick. And maybe 2 weeks later, I was paired with volunteer in my state (only 2 hours away!) and the box of yarn, granny squares, and my grandmother's crochet hook were in the mail. That was at the end of January this year.

Over the next couple of months, my "finisher" emailed me regular updates on her progress, and asked me questions on my preferences for how she constructed the final blanket.

At the end of August, the blanket was done!

I had always intended the blanket to be a gift for my mother. So I cleaned it up, put it in the only bag I had big enough to fit it, and drove to my mom's. I gave the blanket to her and she was gobsmacked. I explained to her all about Loose Ends, and how someone volunteered to finish the piece for us. She was speechless. (I was quite pleased with this, because I am not the best at giving gifts, so this was a pretty exciting reaction!)

She said that it was the most thoughtful gift she had ever been given. She said "your grandma would love this". To which I replied, "yeah, I know she really wanted to finish it a couple of years ago". But that was when my mom dropped the bomb of a century on me--she told me that my grandma had started making those granny squares OVER 30 YEARS AGO. She had started the blanket when my grandpa was staying in the hospital, but that was back when my mom was younger than I am now! My grandma had packed them all away, planning on finishing it, when my grandpa was sent home from the hospital. Then it went from house to house, from condo in Chicago to their apartment in my hometown. All that time and my grandma had wanted to finish it, but couldn't. First because she was busy, then because she forgot how to do it, then because of her arthritis, and then because of the cancer. My mom said she had given up on expecting my grandma to finish it. 

She said I brought a piece of her childhood with her mom out of the past.

And really, all of this is to say, if you have seen or heard about the Loose Ends Project and have an uncompleted project or piece from a loved one who has passed away--these are your people. They were so kind and treated my project with such care. That box probably would have been found by my own grandkids one day if I hadn't heard about Loose Ends.

Five stars, absolutely worth it!

(From what I understand, you can sign up to volunteer too! If you have time to share, it might be worth checking out!)

[copperbadge]

I'm getting depressingly good at identifying the formula for Pop Academic Books About ADHD.

Regardless of their philosophy it pretty much goes like this:

1. Emotionally sensitive essay about the struggle of ADHD and the author's personal experience with it as both a person with ADHD and a healthcare professional.

2. Either during or directly following this, a lightly explicated catalogue of symptoms, illustrated by anecdotes from patient case studies. Optional: frequent, heavy use of metaphor to explain ADHD-driven behavior.

3. Several chapters follow, each dedicated to a symptom; these have a mini-formula of their own. They open with a patient case study, discuss the highly relatable aspects of the specific symptom or behavior, then offer some lightweight examples of a treatment for the symptom, usually accompanied by follow up results from the earlier case studies.

4. Somewhere around halfway-to-two-thirds through the book, the author introduces the more in-depth explication of the treatment system (often their own homebrew) they are advocating. These are generally both personally-driven (as opposed to suggested cultural changes, which makes sense given these books' target audience, more on this later) and composed of an elaborate system of either behavior alteration or mental reframing. Whether this system is actually implementable by the average reader varies wildly.

5. A brief optional section on how to make use of ADHD as a tool (usually referring to ADHD or some of its symptoms as a superpower at least once). Sometimes this section restates the importance of using the systems from part 4 to harness that superpower. Frequently, if present, it feels like an afterthought.

6. Summation and list of further resources, often including other books which follow this formula.

I know I'm being a little sarcastic, but realistically there's nothing inherently wrong about the formula, like in itself it's not a red flag. It's just hilariously recognizable once you've noticed it.

It makes sense that these books advocate for the Reader With ADHD undertaking personal responsibility for their treatment, since these are in the tradition of self-help publishing. They're aimed at people who are already interested in doing their own research on their disability and possible ways to handle it. It's not really fair to ask them to be policy manuals, but I do find it interesting that even books which advocate stuff like volunteering (for whatever reason, usually to do with socialization issues and isolation, often DBT-adjacent) never suggest disability activism either generally or with an ADHD-specific bent.

None of these books suggest that perhaps life with ADHD could be made easier with increased accommodations or ease of medication access, and that it might be in a person's best interest to engage in political advocacy surrounding these and other disability-related issues. Or that activism related to ADHD might help to give someone with ADHD a stronger sense of ownership of their unique neurology. Or that if you have ADHD the idea of activism or even medical self-advocacy is crushingly stressful, and ways that stress might be dealt with.

It does make me want to write one of my own. "The Deviant Chaos Guide To Being A Miscreant With ADHD". Includes chapters on how to get an actual accurate assessment, tips for managing a prescription for a controlled substance, medical and psychiatric self-advocacy for people who are conditioned against confrontation, When To Lie About Being Neurodivergent, policy suggestions for ADHD-related legislation, tips for activism while executively dysfunked, and to close the book a biting satire of the pop media idea of self-care. ("Feeling sad? Make yourself a nice pot of chicken soup from scratch and you'll feel better in no time. Stay tuned after this rambling personal essay for the most mediocre chicken soup recipe you've ever seen!" "Have you considered planning and executing an overly elaborate criminal heist as a way to meet people and stay busy?")

Every case study or personal anecdote in the book will have a different name and demographics attached but will also make it obvious that they are all really just me, in the prose equivalent of a cheap wig, writing about my life. "Kelly, age seven, says she struggles to stay organized using the systems neurotypical children might find easy. I had to design my own accounting spreadsheet in order to make sure I always have enough in checking to cover the mortgage, she told me, fidgeting with the pop socket on her smartphone."

I feel a little bad making fun, because these books are often the best resource people can get (in itself concerning). It's like how despite my dislike of AA, I don't dunk on it in public because I don't want to offer people an excuse not to seek help. It feels like punching down to criticize these books, even though it's a swing at an industry that is mainly, it seems, here to profit from me. But one does get tired of skimming the hype for the real content only to find the real content isn't that useful either.

Les (not his real name) was diagnosed at the age of 236. Charming, well-read, and wealthy, he still spent much of his afterlife feeling deeply inadequate about his perceived shortcomings. "Vampire culture doesn't really acknowledge ADHD as a condition," he says. "My sire wouldn't understand, even though he probably has it as well. You should see the number of coffins containing the soil of his homeland that he's left lying forgotten all over Europe." A late diagnosis validated his feelings of difference, but on its own can't help when he hyperfocuses on seducing mortals who cross his path and forgets to get home before sunrise. "I have stock in sunburn gel companies," he jokes.

[kaesaaurelia]

I think I figured out a way to redeem Len. This was not a problem I really needed a solution for but now it's sitting in my head being fucking annoying, because Len.

[spidehpig]

Prison/Ex Convict Ghost

Who gets assigned a pen pal while he’s serving time. Gets assigned to someone with a pretty little name. It’s almost endearing how they send him weekly letters sharing tidbits about their life, asking him about his life and his interests. He ignores them all. Every last letter he receives he reads with his nose upturned in distaste.

It isn’t until about the 11th letter that the pen pal program finally peaks his interest… This time his little pen pal sent him a polaroid of themself. And oh aren’t they just a dime… pretty little thing smiling innocently at the camera… He could swallow you whole. Rushes to the library to snag a pen and paper and FINALLY writes you back. He won’t let a pretty bird like this get away from him. Didn’t you mention you liked to cook a few letters ago? Oh he’s smitten now. Stuffs the little polaroid picture of yourself that you sent him into his pillow case so he can sneak it out after hours and fist his cock under the scratchy prison sheets to the image of your pretty smile… Rolls his eyes when Johnny whines and asks if they can share pen pals because he got some old guy as his. He wants a pretty bird sending him sweet letters too :(

Ghost only has 3 more months.. he can’t help but ask your name and where you’re from in his letters back to you. Cataloging every last detail about you so he can find you once he gets out. Pretty little thing should have never sent him such sweet letters in prison if they didn’t want a brute showing up on their doorstep a few months later…

[guideaus]

I finished Your Name and it was good 😭 i was fully prepared to accept a bittersweet ending of them never truly interacting, but everyone lives instead. at the end when they passed, i let out the most exasperated/defeated laugh truly thinking neither would decide to say anything. them having taki speak up was satisfying 😭😭