#cw si

[neurodiversebones]

in 2x02 (the mother and child in the bay), brennan keeps emphasizing that without children, booth's life would be easier. that it would be better if he didn't have a son to worry about. this kind of makes her seem like an asshole throughout the episode but like,,, she isn't really talking about parker. she's talking about herself.

brennan thinks that if she were never born, her parents lives would be better and easier. they wouldn't have had to work so hard to stay hidden if they never had kids, and they wouldn't have experienced so much pain having to run away. even if it were just russ-- it would be a lot easier to do what they had to do with just one (adult) child. she feels that if it weren't for her existence, maybe her mother would still be alive.

it's not even that she wishes she weren't born-- she just feels incredibly guilty that she was. these thoughts are expressed through her constant questioning of booth and his happiness with being a parent throughout the episode. she can't imagine a life in which she was not a burden to her parents, and therefore wonders if booth feels the same. she knows booth loves parker unconditionally-- that's what makes it all the more painful. through watching booth, she knows that a parents love is so real, and that is so much worse. the idea that yes, her parents did love her unconditionally, and that caused so much harm. loving her is why her mom is dead, why her dad is the way he is, why she had to grow up with so much pain.

[teabree-shark]

reddit weeaboos on suicide watch

[vizthedatum]

As an adult, I think it’s really painful to do the emotional labor that your caretakers should have done for you as a child.

I often have sought to fill this gap through coping mechanisms like drugs and sex. Or relying on partners/lovers/friends who resembled my parents in behavior (which was just another form of self-harm).

That was extremely toxic.

It’s not sustainable, and it will catch up to you… or it will propagate to your friends, children, and loved ones.

When we say “hurt people hurt people”… it is not an excuse or a place to stop and stay.

It’s awareness to heal. It’s a sign to stop the cycle.

I’m trying not to lash out at myself (and really trying not to with other people). I am hurting so badly.

I’m trying to parent myself. I’m trying to actually love myself for a change.

And sometimes healing is ugly (earlier, I cried and screamed in my car and then forced myself to eat and I’ve been laying in my bed for hours physically nonverbal… crying on and off - hating that I have to actually feel all this).

Sometimes healing means you’re still having SI, pain flares, and dealing with life’s inane problems.

Sometimes healing is nice.

Loving yourself doesn’t mean being positive all the time - it means showing yourself care even when you’re extremely down and depressed.

It will get better. ❤️‍🩹

[kas-eddie-munson]

Fade to Black

Hi, this is my writing for day two of @steddie-week for the prompt Fade to Black, by Metallica ^^ This one is v short but I'm gonna put a cut anyway cause I want consistency lol

cw: suicidal ideation, death mention

~~~

Eddie is laying on his bed, head hanging over the edge, as he squints up at his notebook.  He holds it above his head, skimming over lyrics and scribbling out words here and there, replacing them.  He mutters to himself quietly, and sticks his tongue out.  He almost forgets his boyfriend is in the room, until he drops the notebook on his face, (again.)

He squirms on the bed to lay on his stomach, and hears a sniffle from the boy leaning against the bed on the floor.  Instantly his attention shifts.

"Steve?"

Steve doesn't respond, just sniffles again, and Eddie shimmies down onto the floor next to him.

"Steve, are you crying?"

Steve rubs his hand over his face before he turns to look at Eddie.  He is definitely crying, albeit softly.

"Hey, what's up?"

Eddie reaches for Steve's hand and rubs his thumb over his knuckles.

"Eddie… have you ever listened to the lyrics on this one?"

Eddie had, incidentally, also forgotten there was even music playing.  It's just the natural ambiance of his bedroom to him.  Metallica sings softly through his tape player.  Oh.

"This one?  It's pretty dark, yeah.  I can skip it if you want."

Steve shakes his head.  "Eds… Do you ever feel like that?"

"Not really."  Eddie thinks.  "Well.  Maybe after my mother died.  Things are better now, though."  He squeezes Steve's hand in his.  Then a thought hits him.  "Do you, Stevie?"

Steve rests his head back against the mattress.  "I dunno.  Sometimes."

Eddie reaches out for Steve's cheek, and guides his head to face him, running his thumb along his cheek.

"Thank you for telling me, Stevie.  I didn't know that.  You… You know you can talk to me, right?  You're not alone anymore.  You have me, Robbie, the party.  Any topic, anytime, anywhere, I'm here to listen.  We all love you, Stevie."

Steve smiles smally and nods.  "I know.  Thanks, Eds."

"And, just to be clear… Are you… okay?  Like, right now?  Just, promise me if you ever want to actually do that, you'll come talk to me first?  I don't know what I'd do without you, Stevie."

Steve smiles and grips his hand tighter.  "Of course, Eds.  If you promise too?"

Eddie unclasps their hands to shake Steve's pinky with his.  "It's a deal."  Steve laughs.  Not as bright as usual, but it's something, something small and warm despite it all.

Steve moves his head to Eddie's shoulder, and Eddie plays with his hair.  Eddie tells Steve a bit about the song he's working on, and Steve smiles.

[iamtiredofyourhorror]

Cutting isnt enough i need to die ngl

[princessxombie]

-SI trigger warning

We have such a stigma around death and especially around suicide and it's really a shame. Like when I've tried to talk to my own friends about it they just shut me down and tell me not to talk like that. The last time I tried to talk to a friend the best argument he had was "I don't want to try and explain that to my kids" and like MY DUDE! I WANT TO DIE! THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU OR YOUR KIDS! but literally that was the best i got out of him. people just tell you, don't think like that we love you and like damn y'all i love you too, but again this isn't about you. I don't want to die because i feel unloved, it is so much more complicated than that and I need to talk to someone

and that's the other thing, like sure they'll tell you don't do that or don't think that way but no one sits down and says hey why are you feeling like that? what can we do to change that? cause that's what I really need I need some serious change in my life. I'm tired of living a life where I feel my only accomplishment for surviving another day is the promise of another day. I'm tired of doing the same job day in and day out just out of fear if I don't I'll lose my home and my worthless stuff and i'll just end up worse off than I already am. I don't want to wake up everyday fearing the fact that I have to go back day in day out. I don't want to stay up late worried that I'll just wake up to the same dead end feelings in the same dead end life and wishing i could just change something and be happy

the thing is i'm on meds and I have a therapist and right now it feels like I have a gaping chest wound and we're slapping a band aid on it. so i don't know, i don't know what to do. yesterday i spilled my ice tea on the floor and cried over it all the while knowing it wasnt about the ice tea. i've just lived through 43 years of a hard fucking life and I'm tired of it. I just want to sleeep and never wake back up. why can't i have that

[zaftikat]

Its amazing how a shower can take you from "I want to stop existing" to "ok, maybe I was overreacting"

[unapologetically-suicidal]

I haven't felt this hopeless & stressed out in a while.

I'm tired of being in physical pain. I'm tired of having endless doctors appointments. I'm tired of having anxiety and having the people who should be caring for me tease me about said anxiety which causes me to be unable to receive the care I need.

I'm fucking over it. I wish there was a surefire way to kms because I'm so done. I feel like I'm wasting everybody's time. I feel like I'm wasting my life. Every day is spent in physical and mental agony and I'm so done with it.

What even is the point anymore?

[underdod]

Fucking with my stupid hair so I don't kill myself

[yanmaresu]

Yandere Miguel O'Hara x fem! self insert

MDNI // cw: implied future non-con, tying up, kidnapping, yandere, breeding kink.

Took me way more time than I had planned x'd but here's the guy! I also tried something new and made different versions of the drawing with the self-insert having different skin tones and hair. You can find them under the cut.

[spideybonez]

can we talk about how insane burn bright is. kissed all the boys in your city lights. not ashamed of what i am. they always told me that you'll never get to heaven with a love like yours. cause it makes me who i am. and you made me who i am. be afraid of what i am.

[teabree-shark]

I’m setting up the window air conditioner for the summer. It’s one of the probably last comfortable days we’ll get, the sun is medium-low in the afternoon sky, and a thought hits me. I can’t find my phone, so I crawl over the moved shelves and boxes and styrofoam to the office to grab my ipad.

It’s better that way. The keyboard allows me to get the words onto the page more quickly than if I was tied to an onscreen keyboard.

INT, 1

The camera starts low, pointed almost vertically down at the threshold between a dingy hotel carpet and an even dingier hotel linoleum entryway. The brass strip between the two has seen better days, and is dented with age.

BLANC (OFFSCREEN):

“Now, the situation here is just, ah, biz-arre, with nothing but a few sticks and jars and bobs of make-up, all arranged neatly on the bathroom counter.”

OFFICER 1 (OFFSCREEN):

“Well, she did leave a note. And that’s what we called you here for, it’s—“

BLANC (PANNING UP INTO VIEW, HOLDING A PIECE OF BLOODY PAPER):

“—song lyrics, I can see that. But the words don’t make no damn sense, even for, from what I can gather, is a love ballad. What do you think she meant by, “

(SCENE CHANGE TO THE TOP OF THE NOTE, CAMERA FOLLOWING THE WORDS AS HE READS THEM WITH BLIND CUTS)

“‘Paralytic states of dependency, no living life, just a living dream’”

OFFICER 2 (OUT OF FOCUS, BEHIND THE HELD UP PAPER, LIFTING HIS HEAD FROM A TASK TO CHIME IN AS THE CAMERA SMASH FOCUSES TO HIM):

“It’s the last line that gets me, detective. I don’t think this was—“

(SCENE CHANGE TO THE FINAL LINE ON THE PAPER, BLANC READS IT OUT LOUD ALONG WITH THE CAMERA MOVEMENT)

BLANC:

“Yeah, I can see that. ‘No resolution for the new year beginning tomorrow.’

(CAMERA CHANGE TO A BODY LYING IN A BATHTUB IN THE BACKGROUND, HEAVILY OUT OF FOCUS, A RECENTLY REFILLED BOTTLE OF ESTRADIOL VALERATE 2MG IN THE FOREGROUND SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE HOTEL BATHROOM SINK)

BLANC:

“I don’t think we should rule this some- ah, some sort of suicide.”

(THE CAMERA PULLS UP AND BACK, TO AN IMPOSSIBLE VIEW OF THE ENTIRE HOTEL ROOM LAYOUT, JUST ABOVE WHERE THE CEILING WOULD BE, LOOKING DOWN AT AN ISOMETRIC ANGLE, SHOWING THE ENTIRE TWO-ROOM STRUCTURE, SURROUNDED BY BLACK, AS IF IN A CONSTRUCTION VIEW IN A VIDEO GAME OF A BUILDING LAYOUT IN The Sims OR SIMILAR)

(THE TITLE CARD APPEARS ON STRING WITH A DRAMATIC MUSICAL CUE)

Knives Out 3: Dependent State

[vizthedatum]

CW: vent post that includes mention of abuse and suicidal ideation (I’m having flashbacks and nightmares)

—

I can’t sleep. The more I’m safer and the more I actually realize how much better off I am, the more my brain comes online. Which means, I can access my memories and feel them.

I’m feeling all of it lately.

My period came in earlier today, and I also had therapy.

I am full on sobbing now… again.

In the fall/winter of 2022, I was teetering between giving up everything and trying to survive.

I’m sobbing because (and some of my close friends, my last three therapists, and my psychiatrist know this) if I hadn’t left my ex-spouse when I did (reluctantly and with the help of my friends), I would have absolutely killed myself.

I thought my life was over. I tried my best, this was the best it was ever going to get, and I was going to alienate all my friends, the people I was in love with, my family, and everyone else… to try to be with them and then eventually end it all.

Sometimes I felt like that’s what they wanted.

I remember the last week I was with them - they yelled and said so many hateful things to me, almost drove me out our home by inching me towards the door… after they were done, I retreated upstairs to the bathroom while they called their mom to complain about me. They were worried I was going to abuse my medication and wanted to take it away. Their mom told me they couldn’t take away my medication.

I mean, yeah, the level of psychosis and control and insecurity has gotten out of control. I felt so unsafe all the time. I was in a complete state of dysregulation myself - pleasure seeking and holding down my emotions while trying to figure out my next steps.

My whole body had a reaction. I was in autoimmune shock most of the time.

I couldn’t function when I was with them without self-medicating and being on so many psychiatric medications.

I loved them.

I felt so selfish wanting to end it all. I had another partner!!! I loved so many other people. How could I leave when I had begged my brother for the past decade to not kill himself?! How could I dare??

They wanted me to isolate for 30 days when I was last with them. They didn’t see me as a person at that point - they hurled contradictory statements.

I tried to be considerate of their mental health but they were painting me out to be the one who needed help and intervention… when I was having a reaction to them.

I loved them with all that I had.

And I loved other people who were letting me just be me - and a part of me resented that.

I hated who I was because it felt like my very being was the thing my ex-spouse couldn’t stand.

—

I’m crying less now. After writing all that.

I don’t hate myself now, and while life is still hard… it’s not like that. I don’t have someone actively hating and demeaning me.

And I have left so many old friends and flames who even hinted at disrespecting me.

I’ve been protecting myself. Hard.

It’s just that… I’m safe now and I don’t need to protect myself that hard anymore.

I’m letting go and integrating all at the same time. It’s painful because I realize how bad it was but how good it is now and how good it can be.

But I’m still heartbroken - I always will be. I’m heartbroken because I was so close to ending it all after all that I had survived (worse things than that relationship). I’m heartbroken because I’d have left and not told the person I loved that I loved them (and I guess I never did anyway because I was immature and knew it would end our friendship).

I’m heartbroken because I lost that person… my best friend, the supposed love of my life, and spouse… to save myself.

[trashiiplant]

Decided it was about time to update my iterator designs mostly due to how much of a pain they were to draw. All except for Pebbles of course <3 he only got minor tweaks.

I'll try not to redesign them for what... the 5th time or something

[ryebreadedd]

when the world is raining idk

[mothwingwritings]

Hrnnnngh because the whole Yujiro stepdad mindset will never leave me, I keep getting possessed with this thought: What if Baki and Jack had misguided feelings for their little step sis just like their father does???

(Warning for stepcest and noncon mentions, proceed w/caution)

Baki would be in deep denial over it. His feelings over you are natural. He just wants to protect you. That’s why he fantasizes and plots about luring you over and caging you in in his underground training room. He knows firsthand how threatening the outside world is, how much danger lurks around each corner, and now that Yujiro is seeking you out specifically, that just makes everything THAT much more dangerous.

You’re so pretty and kind, trusting of people even when they don’t deserve it. He was an absolute idiot for not seeing the dangers that put you in earlier. Living with him you would be safe and cared for, gluing himself to your side to personally assure that. He could barely contain himself when he thought of you nestled in his arms each night, snuggling close, so incredibly thankful to have such a loving and strong brother to protect you. With how much you revere and care for him, surely you’d have no objections to his hands roaming your body, or his lips stealing a kiss as a small show of thanks. You’re so sweet and he loves you so much that all he wants to do is give that affection back to you tenfold, even if you struggle to accept it.

Jack is much more cognizant that his feelings towards you are abnormal, but he warps it in his head to fool himself into believing that his intentions towards you are just that of a loving (albeit overprotective) older brother. Though not by blood, you are still his little sister. It’s natural for you look to him for protection and guidance, and truly that is all he is trying to provide. And as your elder brother he knows best, so you really shouldn’t be questioning just how much he hovers and inserts himself into your personal affairs. How else would you have known that that guy you were crushing on was a complete asshole, or those friends of yours were talking about you behind your back? No need to hurt yourself further by looking into his claims, just believe what your big brother says. He would never betray you like that.

He loves you and would never want to cause you intentional harm or discomfort… But when he thinks of another man touching you, holding you, kissing you, fucking you it sends him into a spiraling rage of all consuming jealousy. No one loves you like he does, no one can protect and provide for you like he can, and he’ll be damned if he lets someone else try and take you from him. The world isn’t deserving of the light you bring to it, and he’ll do whatever it takes to lock you away from the cruelties of the world, even if that makes him an even crueler person in the process.

And when Baki and Jack find out what Yujiro had done to you, how he had staked his claim and had his way with you while they remained none the wiser… Enraged doesn’t even cover it. How DARE he assault you, their precious and perfect little sister? How dare he ravage you, rip you apart in a torrent of carnal desire, violating you and forcing you to the brink of unwanted pleasure… It made their heads spin, their skin crawl.

There was no doubt that the sins their father had committed against you made them furious, delirious with hatred over how he had hurt you. But more than anything the distress they felt stemmed from the single sickening belief they both shared-that instead of Yujiro that night forcing himself inside you, fucking you to oblivion, it should have been them.