#dazai shoots akutagawa

[hina-has-no-life]

Dark Era: Dazai and Akutagawa

The Scene in Dark Era where Dazai shoots Akutagawa was abusive and messed up, but sadly justified on Dazai's end.

Now this may sound harsh but let's take a step back from the emotions the scene causes and look at it purely logical and analytical. (No I am not excusing the abuse Akutagawa went through. Dazai had no right to abuse him but this scene is more than abuse.)

What happens in this scene?

Per Dazai's orders as an Executive within the Port Mafia agents from Mimic were captured to be taken to Kouyou for interrogation, as is her department. Akutagawa then kills the hostages in retaliation for the casualties the Mafia suffered at the hands of Mimic. Dazai proceeds to punch and shoot Akutagawa.

In essence this is what happened: Akutagawa disregarded direct orders of his executive in front of multiple people and said executive. Plain and simple, this is insubordination.

We know, due to Stormbringer, that insubordination of the Boss and his executives (who essentially work as extensions of the Boss within the BSD Mafia) is a death sentence. It's at the same level as betrayal.

So, while messed up and abusive, Dazai's reaction can be classified as a mercy. Had it been another executive or Mori, Akutagawa would be dead. And no, you can not use that Chuuya cares for Akutagawa as an argument against Akutagawa dying here were it Chuuya. Chuuya's loyality is to the Mafia and Mori in a situation like this. We saw this at the end of the Guild Arc when Chuuya asked Mori what punishment Akutagawa should face for disregarding Mafia orders and going on to the Moby Dick. Since the moment in Dark Era is a similar case, it is safe to assume Chuuya would have asked Mori for the punishment and then delivered it.

Now here comes the much more interesting part about this scene I sadly do not see talked about. (If you find posts talking about it please send them my way!)

This scene shows us, in a very subtle way, how the dynamic between Akutagawa and Dazai works.

But how? Let's count it: - Akutagawa is very self assured in his insubordination. - Dazai gives him a chance to speak up about his reasoning, to defend himself and ask for forgiveness for his blatant insubordination. - Akutagawa in turn arrogantly doubles down on his decision. - Dazai punishes him.

While Dazai framed the moment at the end as a teaching moment with his comment about Akutagawas use of Rashomon, it is mostly a punishment. Yes there are 2 moments that can be seen as a teaching moment but what Dazai does is in fact nothing more than a punishment in his eyes.

(Giving Akutagawa the chance to think about his rash action was the first teaching moment btw)

Now the way the scene is handeled with it's framing tells us something interesting about the relationship between Dazai and Akutagawa.

Dazai actively favours Akutagawa with his treatment.

But how? It's a good question because the answer is very much hidden.

Both characters treat the situation as something usual. This in turn tells us that Akutagawa often commits insubordination against Dazai. And only Dazai, since Dazai takes him under his wing as his direct and only student. (This is made clear in the short where he actually recruits a younger Akutagawa) This means that Dazai does favour his student above other subordinates rather openly. We know he would not let this slide with other people under his command. The scene at the beginning of the Dark Era LN with Hirotsu shows this.

Akutagawa's reaction to being shot also tells us that this is the first time Dazai points a weapon at him. While not expecting, but accepting, the punch he did not expect to face a harsher punishment than this.

He is visibly surprised. But not just him.

In the Anime adaption (which is the best LN adaption in BSD) we see that even the other subordinates around them only become surprised when Dazai draws the gun and shoots Akutagawa.

Did Dazai think Akutagawa would survive being shot at? 100% yes. He even says as much after the fact.

(This is actually what makes teaching moment number 2, since he remarks that Akutagawa "finally" managed to protect himself with Rashomon. This tells us that they were actively training this and Akutagawa was failing at it for some time already.)

In short: - Akutagawa feels very much secure in his position at Dazai's side, despite the regular abuse. - Dazai favours Akutagawa openly enough within the PM that other subordinates are surprised when Akutagawa faces an openly harsh punishment. - Akutagawa, in committing insubordination, regulary disrespects Dazai as his superior and Dazai let's it slide. This is something that mirrors the relationship between Dazai and Mori, as Dazai does disrespect Mori in private and Mori let's this slide. (The biggest difference in this relationship mirror is that Dazai never disrespects Mori in front of other people.)

In my eyes (and I hope we learn more soon) this also shows that Dazai's abuse of Akutagawa has multiple reasons. - Dazai sees himself in Akutagawa. Dazai also hates himself and blames himself for shortcomings so he projects this onto Akutagawa, who he then abuses because of it. - A warped sense of care. In his own, very fucked up, way Dazai does care for Akutagawa. Is he good at showing it? Absolutely not. He wants Akutagawa to be stronger than Dazai himself is, he wants him to be better. So he favors him but also abuses him. - He favors Akutagawa so Akutagawa needs to get strong extremely fast to avoid a conflict within the ranks of the Mafia. - Dazai tries to get Akutagawa as strong as possible as fast as possible since Akutagawa effectively went from joining to third highest rank in 10 seconds and needs to prove himself in front of everyone else, not just Dazai's eyes. In this he ends up abusing Dazai because he himself is a child with a very limited understanding of teaching. What he does know, through Mori as his teacher, is that cruelty and abuse are effective teaching methods that work faster than proving patience and taking things slow.

(am I saying that Mori physically abused Dazai? No. But he, as shown in Beast and Fifteen, honestly answers to the questions his students ask him. It is entirely possible that he simply told Dazai different teaching methods and Dazai decided on the fastest one instead of the best and most effective.)

and thank you @sorcerersandskillusers for sending me the LN parts I mentioned above!! I didn't have the energy to look them up when I initially posted this and he did me the favor of getting them for me!

To summarize: The scene is a punishment for direct insubordination and shows us, the viewer, a deeper look into the relationship between Akutagawa and Dazai.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Ngl sometimes I feel like Asagiri doesn't know what he's writing. Like in many many interviews I feel like he straight up contradicts what him and harukawa are doing in the manga which often just makes me go ????

Like the way he treats Akutagawa has never been framed in a positive light, he has shown how desperate akutagawa was for his recognition. The cycle of abuse is a constant theme in the manga...

That interview just baffled me so much that I can't help but wonder if asagiri just really sucks at expressing himself or idk because I also feel like if some sentences would've been slightly changed it would've fallen more in line with the manga and it wouldn't have sounded like excusing the abuse Dazai had put Akutagawa through.

... I honestly don't know how to answer to this. I sincerely don't think the author's words contradict what already slipped through the manga? As I said, I think the statement was just a very unfortunate case of intersection between 1) abuse apologism and 2) Dazai idolization... But that's both things bsd ALWAYS had.

Chapter 39 Portrait of a Father is right there; the author's framing of Akutagawa and Dazai's relationship in the interview is precisely the same case of “the abuse you went through actually shaped you to become a better person, and your abuser always acted in your best interests and should even be regarded highly by you, like a father / meaning to your life”. So, nothing new on that front. About Dazai, I guess that's harder to pinpoint, but I do believe bsd has a bad case of Dazai is omniscient / perfect / flawless / can-do-no-wrong syndrome, something someone already made a very interesting elaboration of here. That explains why the author could never admit that Akutagawa was Dazai's failure, because that would be admitting Dazai can fail, and it's evident that the author doesn't agree with that.

I'm not really sure Dazai's treatment of Akutagawa is portrayed as cruel, either. Like, if it was, then why didn't Dazai stop treating Akutagawa that way when he joined the ada and started doing good? That sounds like implying that Dazai didn't stop because he is doing Akutagawa's good. When you think about it, Dazai acts very coldly to Akutagawa in chapters 36 and 51, treating him with condescension and vague contempt; and yet, those scenes are framed as being either endearing or comic, never cruel. Overall, I can hardly find the interview to be inconsistent to the manga when it's basically just expanding on what Akutagawa already told us here:

and where in the past one could have suspected this was only Akutagawa's biased perspective¹, this new interview simply confirms the author thinks it the same way too.

¹ I'll never forget my sister saying, when I was live reacting chapters 84-88 to her, about this exact passage: “That depressingly sounds like an abused person trying to find a meaning in the pain the abuse caused them, something able to give a sense to the pain and excuse the abuser”

I was extremely surprised by how everyone reacted to the interview, because I found it saddening, yes, but people are acting like it's something new and surprising when... I really don't feel the same way? I always thought bsd was full of problematic stuff and fucked up worldviews I don't agree with, from the moment I was watching the first season for the first time. And like, it kind of sucked initially, but I came to terms with it because there's other aspects I find enjoyable to explore and dwell into! (And also simply because I don't get to pick what I hyperfixate on). Personally, I assumed that people in the fandom either agreed with the author, or turned a more or less conscious blind eye to its issues in favor of more compelling stuff, or did like me and acknowledged its problematic stuff while also believing that doesn't necessarily have to get in the way of your enjoyment of the media (we're all just here to have fun). But I never thought... People just didn't notice? Like, the author's world views are all there and they've always been there, what changed exactly? Again, seeing it put so plainly and with no shame is saddening, but can't be deemed surprising. Yet somehow I've seriously seen people say stuff that sounded worryingly like “the abuse defending manga author is defending abuse in real life, how did this happen” and I'm. ?????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿????????? I'm sorry, and forgive me if I'm sounding somehow pretentious, but I swear most sincerely that I just don't get it. When in two years the author is going to make a comment of the kind “no female character will ever be as complex as male characters because women simply don't have it in them”, will everyone suddenly be surprised because the author of the sexist manga revealed themselves to be sexist?

It's just... As someone who as it turns out has done this (deeply disagreeing with bsd's themes, but hyperfixated on it nonetheless) longer, very humbly, allow me some words of advice: you're here for entertainment, you're here to have fun. That means you get to decide what parts of canon are worth focusing on and dissect and enjoy, and that doesn't in any way hold you from acknowledging bsd's problems when they're at and overall having a critical approach to reading the manga. I think that's a good advice for interacting with all kinds of media actually! In the words of another old answer of mine:

I don't know who needs to hear this, but someone definitely does: “I love s/kk!!” “the bsd storytelling has many compelling aspects!!” and “I recognize the bsd writing has flaws some of which actively harm an already disadvantaged part of society” are statements that can and should coexist, and if anything - and I know you hate to hear this, I'm sorry, I'm sorry - it should be kept in mind when deciding to support the franchise by buying its products.

And lastly, but most importantly: bsd stopped giving you joy? Walk out!!! The world is full of beautiful stories. Read The Promised Neverland.

[videogamelover99]

List of Ongoing BSD Theories

Akutagawa will permanently turn into a vampire.

Dostoyevsky is a telepath.

Mori had a hand in the Arahabaki Project back in his military child abuse days.

Beast is just a foreshadowing of things to come, and Dazai's gonna try to use the Book to get Oda back.

HG Wells is Mary Shelley's former mentor.

Sigma was a regular person, who lost his memories and his origins due to them being erased by the Book.

Chief Taneda is the Final Boss.

Bram was never a king or a lord actually. He was just a dude.

Higuchi has or will gain an ability.

Aya has an ability.

Chuuya leaves the PM (as a consequence of the Mori theory. Also his character is too self-contradictory he needs to get that resolved somehow).

[sonyarodya]

dog nightmare

[abysslll]

just read the latest chapter of bsd and HUOUAUHGHH

[oikasugayama]

He F--KS You When You're Stuck pt. 3

pt. 1 Atsushi, Fukuchi, Nikolai | pt. 2 Dazai, Ango, Oda | pt. 3 Kunikida, Sigma, Akutagawa (I can't keep writing this series, parts 4 and 5 cancelled)

Disclaimer: These are works of fiction. The actions in these stories do not reflect real actions taken in the source material. I do not condone the actions some characters may take in these stories. If you are sensitive to potential non-consensual activity, do not read this series.

Contains: fem!reader being stuck/confined, strangers, sex at work, non-con, Rashomon as bondage!!

Kunikida

He would never participate in something that seems like noncon, even if a partner asked him to so this is a different kind of "stuck"

You're in an elevator with a handsome man you've seen before but never spoken to. With a loud noise and a screech, the elevator stops moving and all but one small emergency light goes out, leaving you in a dim metal box with a hottie.

Kunikida responsibly calls for help, while you focus on not panicking (you fail!)

"I'm sorry that you're in this predicament, but is there something I can do to help?"

"I just need to take my mind off of it," you tell him.

"Okay. Would you like to talk about something?"

"No, no... I need... hey, are you single?"

"Yes..."

"Can we make out? I really need to be focused on something else."

You're appealed to his logic and his need to help people, so he AGREES LMFAO You get to make out with Kunikida in an elevator for what feels like a long time before he finally pulls away and checks his watch. All you can focus on is the broad palm of his hand and his slender fingers. Fuck, you're horny just from making out with him. Every flick of his tongue sent a wave of desire down to your core.

"They should be here by now."

"Maybe there's an issue elsewhere as well," you say, resting your hand on his arm. With a pout of the fluttering of your lashes you ask him to continue, but this time sitting on the floor, and he again agrees.

You manage to climb into his lap. You run your hands through his hair. He holds onto your hips. You grind down on him, and finally he moans softly into your mouth when you manage to brush against his bulge.

He tries to apologize, but you won't let him. You keep grinding on him, kissing on his neck. "I'd really like to keep being distracted," you coo. "Maybe some... rocking back and forth ;) will help the elevator move again."

Sigma

You're a housekeeper at the casino, and today your one task is doing laundry. It comes down a giant chute into the laundry room, and you spend all day putting sheets and pillowcases in washers, in dryers, and folding them up nicely to be taken to guest rooms.

When the chute backs up, the laundry shoots out FAST and creates a huge pile on the floor. If you're not careful you could get hit by the force of the dropping bedding, and depending on how much is there it could crush you.

Well, unfortunately you were called away to help with another task for an hour, and when you came back and opened the chute it was waaaay more full than you expected and boom, it all flies out. You're hit and knocked over, then tons of sheets, blankets, towels, robes, and pillow cases cover you. All together the weight is enough to keep your tired body stuck in the pile, you can't even use your arms to raise yourself up.

You panic a little, but then you give up, realizing that eventually someone will come in and honestly it's kind of comfortable... like a weighted blanket... soft...

You fall asleep. When you wake up, you feel your pants being shimmied down your legs. You try to call out, but you're sleepy and your voice is muffled. Then you get a sense of what's happening without being able to see the scene: It's Sigma, the casino manager, and he wants to have sex with you.

"What in the world?" you think at first. "This can't be real." But then you remember his ability is information exchanging, and well, hell, if he's the manager you can't get in trouble, so... you try your best to give him the vibe that you consent and he must feel it with his ability because he goes for it.

He doesn't give you much prep before his dick is nudging at your hole. He dips it in a couple of times to tease both of you before he finally sinks in and starts thrusting.

He fills you pretty well. You wish you could see him and it wasn't so stuffy trapped under all these blankets. "Man I wish I could get out of here," you think, and you get the idea transferred back to you that Sigma will help you out once you're done.

Might as well settle in and enjoy it. Hey, no one can hear you moan given all the laundry on top muffling you, so you get to moan and whine and mewl all you'd like while Sigma nearly anonymously fucks you

Akutagawa

You're an enemy spy from another organization. You were captured by none other than the hellhound of the Port Mafia, and let's just say his interrogation techniques are...different.

Each of your limbs is being held in a different direction by his ability. "Tell me why they sent you. Are you special? Do you know something? Are you dispensable?"

"I don't know, I was just told to be here."

"What a useless answer. You must mean nothing to them. You got caught so easily; I can't imagine you're one of their best. I'm going to give you a new purpose so your meaningless life matters."

And then he lays you down on a crate and uses his ability to anchor you in place, making it completely impossible for you to move. He walks toward you slowly your heart pounds in your chest.

Akutagawa flicks one finger and a part of Rashomon cuts your pants from your crotch down both legs. He pulls the fabric off and wipes the tiniest bit of blood off of your thigh. "Hmm. I didn't intend to cut you. You must have had forced your legs into those tight pants. Doesn't it feel better to wear nothing at all?"

He pulls your panties down too with no comment, even as Rashomon wraps around your thighs and holds them spread so far apart that it makes your hips sore.

Akutagawa unzips his coat but leaves it on as he gets closer to you, running his cold hands across your inner thighs and close to your warm cunt. "If you can bring me pleasure then your life will be worth something."

You realized as soon as Rashomon grabbed you that fighting wasn't going to work, and now your freeze instinct has kicked in and you don't know how to react as his thin fingers spread your pussy and slide into your hole.

"Anyone who can't pleasure a woman is a waste of space," he says, "so I will be pleasuring you in return. If you wan't me to stop at any point you must tell me what you know about your operation and your organization."

"I don't know anything," you insist, but he tsks and curls his fingers inside of you, making you jump slightly as he brushes your gspot.

He fingers you, plays with your clit, makes Rashomon rip your top open so he can see your tits, and eventually (after like half an hour of playing with you) he fucks you.

He tries to talk to you the whole time, asking you questions and trying to get information but as you get more and more worked up you stop even trying to remember information and instead let yourself go with the pleasure. Who knows if the Port Mafia will even let you go home alive, you might as well enjoy yourself first.

[aldebarangel]

bsd makes me so emotional about so many of its character relationships more than any other media has. ranpo calls poe 'ed'. kouyou sees herself in kyouka. atsushi loves dazai so much it makes me want to die. kyouka and atsushi. chuuya called akutagawa "my boy". mushitarou and yokomizo were childhood friends. dazai and chuuya trust each other despite everything. dazai and oda. akutagawa and kenji get along in the beast universe. fukuzawa and ranpo. the cycle of abuse. nikolai sees fyodor as a person. atsushi and akutagawa's development together. teenage ranpo and yosano. tecchou placed jouno above justice. somebody shoot me what the fuck i cant take it.

[yokohamapound]

Oh hi Mark! Can I request some hcs on Dazai, Fyodor, Ranpo, Akutagawa, Tachihara and Odasaku with female reader who is a model and one day when he comes to pick her up from a shoot, she comes up to him and says they're short a model to finish a shoot with and the clothes just so happen to be his size and please won't he model with her? Just for this shoot? :D

Always love a good The Room reference! And what a perfect request for such a cavalcade of beautiful men~

Characters: Dazai Osamu, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Edogawa Ranpo, Akutagawa Ryuunosuke, Tachihara Michizou, Oda Sakunosuke

Contents: no real warnings, just Dazai throwing his ass back

Dazai Osamu

Dazai has a tendency to come to your photoshoots whenever he has free time (or even when he doesn’t but he just wants to skive off of work). Not only are you there, usually dolled up and hanging around between outfit changes and lighting set-ups, but there’s also usually a buffet table full of food he can mooch off of. He still hasn’t shut up about the crab rolls from the first shoot he attended. 

Photographers, wardrobe assistants, and make-up artists are all familiar with him by now, and just put up with his nonsense in order to work with you. And he is capable of wrapping people around his little finger when it suits him to do so. He can turn the charm on and off like a light switch. 

He does have an annoying habit of standing behind the camera and pulling exaggerated faces at you while you’re trying to maintain a pose. Don’t worry, you’re too much of a professional to break. One day, probably when he’s loitering around the buffet table or pissing off the lighting techs by doing shadow puppets against the backdrop, the photographer makes a suggestion to you—since the male model hasn’t been able to attend, why don’t you put your boyfriend to some use? 

Dazai’s tall, slim, and very good looking, so they might as well get some use out of him if he’s going to be there, right? Lucky for you, it really doesn’t take much convincing. When you ask him, Dazai seizes both of your hands, his eyes sparkling.

“About time! I knew I’d be discovered one day!” 

Dazai divas it up through hair and make-up, telling the make-up artists not to make him look too pouty. By the time you actually get his ass into the clothes and in front of the camera, everyone's a little exasperated. You don’t have the heart to scold him, though—you know he’s only really doing it for your sake…and he really does rock the clothes. 

Photographer: “Dazai-san, you don’t need to arch your back quite so much.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

I don’t imagine Fyodor can come to your shoots very often, but when he does, he always creates a stir. A tall, pale man with black hair, violet eyes, and that bone structure! He’s like a dream for the designers, and the make-up artists are itching to get at him just to enhance those features. There’s an aura surrounding him that makes them all keep a respectful distance, though. 

No one can quite figure out who he is. They speculate that he might be a European model. A musician, with those hands? Perhaps some kind of foreign celebrity none of them will dare admit to not knowing. You never elaborate and neither does he—the speculation amuses him. 

The way he watches you gives you delicious little goosebumps whenever you’re posing for the camera, and the photographer has to call for an assistant to come and blot you with warm towels to make them disappear. 

You’re never quite sure how Fyodor feels about your job, but he’s never objected. Part of you suspects he turns up now and then to make sure that everyone remembers who you belong to, and that it would be unwise indeed to upset you or take any liberties. Just to remind them that he exists and he’s watching. 

On one particular shoot, the wardrobe assistant and the director both approach you, looking a little sheepish. The male model has come down with the flu, they explain. Do you think your boyfriend would mind stepping in just this once? Otherwise they’ll have to wrap the shoot and reschedule, costing thousands…

You tell them you can’t make any guarantees, but you’ll ask him. Fyodor watches you with an amused expression as you approach him. One of his eyebrows creeps up when you haltingly explain what the photographer wants. You’re going to have to wheedle a little to get him to agree, because Fyodor doesn’t make a habit of stepping into the public eye. Then again, how funny if one of his enemies was to see him modelling on a billboard. It’s this, and his desire to indulge you, that finally makes him agree. 

“I suppose I can step in this once,” he says, putting a finger under your chin and lifting it so you’re looking him in the eyes. “But you’ll have to make it up to me, darling.”

The make-up artist is almost vibrating with nerves as she applies a few minor touch-ups to Fyodor’s face, not that he needs much, and the photographer phrases his requests very politely. No yelling, no orders, no “Yes, baby, give me more!” Although the thought of anyone saying that to Fyodor is enough to have you in hysterics. 

Fyodor’s naturally elegant, so he can pull off the poses, get the tilt of his head just right. He always makes sure that he’s touching you in some way—hand resting on your waist, your shoulder, fingers curled loosely through your hair. It’s like he’s claiming ownership of you in every photo. 

Style-wise, I think your best bet is either for a winter photoshoot, so he can keep his ushanka, or men’s formal wear. Fyodor in a suit? Yes, please. 

Edogawa Ranpo

At first Ranpo would come along to your photoshoots due to the prevalence of snacks on the buffet table, but as time went on he tended to get bored between all the time spent touching up your make-up, fussing with your clothes, or waiting for the lighting to be arranged. He loves you, but he gets bored easily and you’re too busy to pay him much attention. 

He’ll go off and find something else that interests him or wait for you at home, usually. He does still pop up now and then if your shooting location is near to where he’s investigating a murder or if he’s got lost and just used Find My Phone on your phone and followed it to your location. (Ranpo doesn’t do this to keep track of you—it’s literally so he has a way to find you if he gets lost. It’s not like you’re really able to hide anything from him anyway…)

It’s on one of these occasions that the male model has somehow been unable to show up for the shoot, so you’re forced to rope Ranpo in. 

He folds his arms, complete with a pout. “I don’t want to.”

“Please? I’ll bake you some macarons when we get home~”

You can see his resolve starting to weaken. Macarons are one thing, but homemade macarons, still warm from the oven? He starts to loosen his arms, opening his mouth, but you hit him with your ultimate move.

“I know you’ll be so much better at it than the guy they hired, anyway~”

Ranpo visibly wavers, then he sighs. “I guess. If you’re really that much in need of my expertise, I can help you out. I’m so charitable.” He points a finger at you. “Don’t think you don’t owe me those macarons, though.”

Suitably bribed and flattered, Ranpo loses his begrudging attitude and throws himself into it, letting the make-up artists primp and pamper him. Just picture him sitting there with his head tilted back, eyes closed, a satisfied little smile on his face. He’s so fucking cute.

Ranpo’s photographs well, posing happily with you through various couple-themed set-ups. Pretending to kick puddles in the rain while sharing an umbrella. Feeding each other bites of ice-cream from a sundae (although the photographer has to tell Ranpo to stop actually eating it). Sitting on a fake beach. 

Of course, the real kicker is when he opens his eyes and reveals that gorgeous shade of green. Your modelling agency is fighting to sign him up then and there, but he breezily turns them down, telling them he doesn’t have time to do this and be the World’s Greatest Detective. 

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke

Akutagawa doesn’t want to be there. Everything from his tense posture to his folded arms to his scowl make that abundantly clear. The only reason he is there is either because you asked him to be, or because he insisted on coming along to make sure that no one tried anything with you. He’s protective, but huffy about it. 

Naturally, this makes everyone on set a little nervous, even if they don’t recognise him as one of the most dangerous members of the Port Mafia. 

Despite how unnerving his presence is, more than a few of the make-up artists have fantasised about getting him in the chair and accentuating that face of his. His stark haircut, pale face, and sharp cheekbones make him look like he just stepped off the runway for an avante-garde designer. Like someone’s goth fantasy brought to life. 

When I tell you the amount of begging you’re going to have to do to get this man to take photographs with you…

“You must be joking if you think I’m going to make a fool of myself like that.”

He absolutely won’t do it if he thinks there is any chance of someone mocking him or laughing at him. It’ll take a lot of encouragement, and he’ll be militant about not taking his coat off, until you remind him that he’ll still be wearing clothes and able to use his Special Ability if there’s any kind of attack. 

You’ll have to do his make-up. No way in hell is he letting anyone else touch his face or his hair. 

Your best bet is if this is some kind of high-concept, gothic photoshoot. Lots of dead flowers and Victorian architecture. If it suits his aesthetic and his shirt has ruffles, you’ve got a much better chance of convincing him to go through with it. He’ll bitch about the antiques being fake, and he stands as woodenly as a mannequin, a scowl on his face, but that might actually work for this kind of shoot. He makes a great model for the clothes, austere and aloof. 

Basically, he’ll only do it if both of you look like you’re about to die of consumption and he gets to see you in something ruffled. 

Tachihara Michizou

I feel like Tachihara only came to your shoot in the first place because he’s a nosy little shit and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. And because he enjoys watching people fawn over his gorgeous partner. It strokes his ego, so what?

He likes to hang around and casually menace the make-up artists, or flick through the clothes and give his opinions on them loudly. 

“Ooh, bring this one home, babe~”

Despite this, he’s pretty popular. He’s a little rough around the edges, but he does have a slight charm to him, and his comments have made you laugh mid-photo more than a few times, much to the photographer’s chagrin. 

You didn’t realise how into it he was, however, until the day you ask him to step up and take the place of a model who couldn’t make it. They don’t often bring amateurs in, but Michizou’s cocky grin and delinquent good looks will work for this shoot. 

He gets pissy when the make-up artists make him remove the bandaid from his nose, but he settles down and goes strangely quiet while they’re dabbing stuff on his face. If you poke at him, he’ll grumble that he’s just making sure they don’t stick him in the eye with something, but you know it’s actually because it feels nice. 

“Hey, what’s the name of that crap you put in my hair? Looks good.” 

The clothes are fine as long as he’s not put in anything ridiculous. He can pull off a lot of different styles, but casual streetwear suits him best. He brings out all his punk boy poses: 

Kicking a foot back against the wall. 

Crouching down with his arms resting on his knees, hands loose.

Arms folded, slouching, giving a “what you looking at, hah!?” stare over his shoulder.

At the end, he wants to know if he can keep all the clothes. 

Oda Sakunosuke

Odasaku’s an easy going man. He was reluctant the first time you invited him along to a photoshoot, thinking he’d stand out like a sore thumb, but really no one has time to worry about him being there. He was able to blend into the background like a tall, handsome, stubbly shadow. 

He enjoys people watching, and a photoshoot is like watching an army of ants circle around its queen—you, in this case. People are fussing with your hair, your make-up, adjusting the fit of the clothes, the tiniest tilt of your head. He doesn’t know how you put up with so many people plucking at you, but he’s impressed by how professionally you handle it and accede to the photographer’s wishes. 

Sometimes they mistake him for a roadie (or the photoshoot equivalent) and he finds himself being roped into moving boxes of clothes or holding up one of those lighting umbrellas. You try to intervene where you can, but he always brushes it off and tells you he’s just content to get involved. 

He never expected to be so involved that he’d be in front of the camera, though. When the photographer beckons him over one day and asks him to take the place of the male model, he’s a little stumped. Not even his Special Ability could have foreseen this. 

“You wanna take photos of me?”

Oda’s pretty humble. It takes some convincing to get him to agree, and he twitches a bit as his hair is styled and wardrobe comes over to adjust the clothes he’s wearing. It’s easy to forget he’s still Port Mafia, and understandably paranoid about strangers touching him. 

Oda’s not really a natural behind the camera. Takes a while for him to shake off the stiffness and stop squinting at the bright lights, but the fact he’s doing this with his partner makes it a little easier. 

The photographer figures out he can get the most natural smile out of him by making sure he’s looking at you in every shot, rather than the camera. 

For some reason, I think he’d look really good in an Autumn/Fall photoshoot? Sweaters, boots, heavy coats, scarves, fake snow and falling leaves. That sort of thing. This man looks like he was built to wear plaid.

[popopretty]

BSD Chapter 107

"In the Narrow Room" - Part 3.1

We got a rather long chapter this month and the plot is progressing! Asagiri is always so unpredictable and I love it so much.

Please note that I don't speak English nor Japanese as a native language and I am also super excited about the chapter so I may make mistakes here and there. Please have mercy on me ;_;

SPOILERS AHEAD

After hearing Teruko talk about the true purpose of The Decays of Angel, Atsushi's head becomes confused with all the thoughts of what is right or wrong. He wishes someone could answer all of his questions. He remembers how Dazai used to show up in his thought when he struggles, and wonder why this time he cannot hear Dazai's voice anymore.

He stops at the foot of the tower and notices Aya and Bram there. He tries to go and rescue them, but it turns out to be a trap, with Akutaga jumps out to attack him.

Sigma is finding his way in the prison after escaping from the elevator. He thinks about what happened. He remembers Dazai checking the elevator before getting on it, and realizes that Dazai already knew the elevator was dangerous from the beginning, and he probably just got on it because it is what needs to be done to save the Agency. Sigma also recalls Dazai's expression underwater, he wonders if its the face when Dazai realized that the elevator was going to fall, and that's why Dazai acted the way he did. Sigma wants to run away by himself because he thinks an ordinary person like him cannot do anything. He then found a paper on the floor. It is written in Russian, that says "Save me" (Notes: The original text is just "Please save", it is not clear who it is telling him to save)

Back to Atsushi and Akutagawa. Atsushi still doesn't understand what is happening. He tries to fight back and realizes that Akutagawa is not using his ability to guard himself. Akutagawa instead sucks the blood from his own hand to heal his wound. He doesn't try to cover himself because he can regenerate like that, and it means unless Atsushi kills him, there will be no way to stop him. Atsushi tries to tell him to stop, hoping his consciousness is still there, and that he still wants to ask Akutagawa why he saved his life that time.

In Mersault, Dazai is seen dragging himself and leaning against the wall, covered in blood with his legs broken. He looks up to the surveillance camera and tells Fyodor to put an end to his pain cuz it hurts so bad. Fyodor gladly accepts and sends Chuuya to finish him. Suddenly Sigma enters the room and shoots Fyodor in the shoulder, telling him to stop attacking Dazai. Sigma says he is there cuz he has promised Dazai to touch Fyodor to read his scheme in the airport. Fyodor asks why Sigma has to keep the promise with Dazai, which surprises Sigma himself. Fyodor then proceeds to say that Dazai has manipulated Sigma the whole time, and that normally Sigma is not that kind of a reckless person. He explains that at first, Sigma only wanted a "home" so he would not get used by anyone. But after watching Dazai, Sigma has come to realize that a lonely "home" is not enough. He has started to want not a place, but trust, a relationship where people rely on others without borrowing or trading anything. In other words, he has started to want to become a member of the ADA. Yet, Fyodor adds, it is not Sigma's own thought, but the trick Dazai uses to tamper with his heart.

Sigma thinks back of what Dazai has told him, and still decides to point the gun at Fyodor. Because even if it is a trick, Dazai has paid a big price for it, and accepting a customer's bet is the casino's way. He says he knows Fyodor is trying to manipulate him too, to cause distrust towards Dazai and makes him drop the gun. Sigma then adds that Dazai has won this manipulating competition.

According to the fact that Fyodor has to try to talk him into lower the gun, Sigma concludes that he has no other backup. He tells Fyodor he is going to touch him and read his information, but before that he wants Fyodor to tell him what his ability is, cuz its dangerous to touch someone whose ability might be activated by contact. In the last frame, Sigma changes the question from "What is your ability" to "What the hell are you?"

The chapter ends here. Next chapter will be out on June 2, 2023 (Japan time). Thank you for reading till the end!

[ritequettenoire]

After reading the Dark Era light novel...

I have thoughts about that infamous scene where Dazai punches and shoots at Akutagawa. I've seen a lot of talk about how mean Dazai was in that scene, and how humiliating it must've been for Akutagawa to be put through that in full view of a bunch of PM goons. Which is all true...but I haven't seen much talk about Dazai's perspective during that scene...

A few things popped into my head while I was reading the light novel version of that scene...

Firstly, Akutagawa does fuck up Dazai's plan, but it's so much more complicated than that.

Dazai's plan to capture the Mimic soldiers involves gassing an entire PM gambling den; presumably, he burns that entire revenue-generating business, because who's gonna go back to a gambling den where you might get gassed, after you got shot at by a bunch of mystery soldiers? Nobody. So, Dazai probably costs the PM a good deal of money with this ploy to capture the Mimic guys.

But it works! He catches them. So it's all good...until it isn't. Because one of them wakes up early from the gas and then steals a gun and shoots the other captives. But there's still one guy alive, so they still have a guy to interrogate. Still good!

Until Akutagawa kills the last guy.

Now, I've seen a lot of analysis about how Akutagawa is all about protecting people. He says specifically that he killed the last Mimic guy to protect the other PM goons who were being threatened. Which is all fine and dandy...in theory. But in actuality? Killing that guy ruined Dazai's plan.

And to rub salt in the wound--Dazai's wound--Akutagawa did this after Dazai spent countless training sessions trying to teach Akutagawa specifically not to do that. That being using Rashoumon in an offensive capacity by reflex. In a fatal offensive capacity.

Dazai specifically says in this scene that he's told Akutagawa again and again that he needs to start using Rashoumon in a defensive capacity rather than defaulting to killing people every time he's threatened (or his allies are threatened). This has clearly a been a focus of Akutagawa's training, and yet, at this crucial moment, Akutagawa still fails to break out of that reflex. He kills the attacker yet again, and in so doing, wastes all the effort that Dazai put into catching the Mimic soldiers.

So not only does Dazai's plan to interrogate one of the Mimic soldiers fail, but so does Dazai's plan to train Akutagawa into a more versatile agent of the PM, one capable of more than simply killing everything that gets in his way.

Dazai, whose plans supposedly never fail, fails twice in this one scene. As a strategist counterattacking Mimic, and as a mentor training Akutagawa.

We don't learn what's going on Dazai's head here, since the scene is third person, but I can imagine he's a little upset about all this.

Then we get to part of this scene that riles people up: Dazai punches Akutagawa and shoots at him. A few things struck me when I read this part.

First off, Dazai doesn't punch Akutagawa until Akutagawa talks back to him. Dazai explains to Akutagawa just how and why he messed up, and then Akutagawa goes: "Information? I'll just slice everyone of them into pieces until--"

That's when the punch happens.

Dazai doesn't punch Akutagawa for failing. He punches Akutagawa because Akutagawa rejects his lesson and disrespects him...in front of other people. There are other PM goons in the room, and Akutagawa blatantly disregards an important lesson that Executive Dazai is trying to teach.

If Dazai didn't punish Akutagawa for that disrespect, everybody and their mother in the PM would've known about it by the end of the day. That would've cost Dazai a lot of face. So he punched Akutagawa to keep up his reputation. And then...

Then Dazai shoots at Akutagawa. Not to kill him. But to force him to use Rashoumon reflexively in self-defense, rather than offense.

To force Akutagawa to make the move he should've made when the Mimic soldier threatened him. The move that Dazai had been trying and failing to teach Akutagawa in countless prior training sessions, presumably with methods less potentially fatal than shooting at Akutagawa's face. And it works...shooting at Akutagawa. He develops a new reflex to use Rashoumon in self-defense.

And Dazai actually congratulates him on that progress, if only in a bitter and facetious manner, because that progress didn't occur until after it cost Dazai the success of an important plan.

A plan that Dazai had hoped to use to help his first real friend (Oda) find his other, missing friend (Ango). A plan whose failure Dazai is going to have to explain to Mori. A plan whose failure is going to put a bit of a stain on his whole genius reputation.

Long story short: Dazai is really upset in this scene, but he only shows anger, partly to maintain face as an executive and partly because...well, it's Dazai. He wouldn't show his true feelings even if he could with zero consequences. He's too damaged for that.

We end this scene with Dazai threatening to punch and shoot at Akutagawa again in the future if ever fails in a similar way again. If he ever flubs one of Dazai's plans again, no matter Akutagawa's intentions. If he ever uses Rashoumon to kill thoughtlessly again, when Akutagawa is perfectly capable of using Rashoumon defensively.

So...is Dazai being abusive to Akutagawa in this scene? Well, yeah. Obviously. This is the mafia. Not a nice place. Punching and shooting a teenage boy is abusive under any circumstances.

But Dazai doesn't do these things because he's "mean." Dazai does those things because he's upset at his own failures. His failure as a strategist to capture and interrogate Mimic soldiers in order to help Oda find Ango. And his failures as a mentor to Akutagawa.

Dazai tries his absolute hardest to turn things around here. He forces Akutagawa to progress in his training, and he manages to scrounge some information off the dead bodies of the Mimic soldiers. But all in all, this scene still represents a multifaceted failure on his part (particularly in his own eyes, I imagine).

And personally, I find that angle way more interesting than just defaulting to "Dark Era!Dazai is cruel." There's so much to Dazai's character. Also, it makes the ending of the Dark Era story so much more tragic, since he also fails to save Oda at the end...as if it wasn't already tragic enough.

Damn...this got longer than I intended.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk?

K. Bye!

[whathorselegs]

This is probably going to be controversial take (I mean no harm by it, and its not hate directed at anyone), but the reason Dazai shooting at Akutagawa in Dark Era is so shocking to people is because he did it to a character we've had time to get attached to.

If Dazai had shot/killed/wounded a random subordinate for messing up his plans, it would be in all the PM!Dazai remixes as one of his dark and cool moments. Like when he's repeatedly shooting that guy in fifteen. It's messed up, but it doesn't happen to a character we're attached to, it happens to an enemy, so we swallow Dazai doing it much easier. If Akutagawa had been a random subordinate, people might even say Dazai was right to do it because that subordinate did a dumb thing that led their investigation to a dead end. (This is theoretical example not my opinion, I don't agree with what Dazai did)

I'm not justifying what Dazai did, but it's the framing that makes this so much more "evil" and unforgivable for people than anything else PM!Dazai did. It's stated multiple times Dazai was terrible to his enemies AND his own subordinates. Akutagawa wasn't the exception, he was just the one we care about. (Q too, though I see less talk about that and we're not actually shown what happened to Q)

Yes, it is cruel, no denying that, he hurts Akutagawa to teach him a lesson, that what's the mafia life has taught Dazai is effective. I'd argue though, it's not anymore cruel than what Yosano does to Tanizaki and Kunikida. She literally tortures them, but it's fine because it's played off as a joke and they're healed in the end. When in reality it's Yosano taking out her trauma on her patients and friends, and she's enjoying it. She didn't need her patients to be half dead in the flashbacks, that came after the trauma. She hurts them to discourage them from getting hurt again in the future. (Again, no hate intended, I love Yosano and all her complexities)

Dazai hurt Akutagawa the same way. Except it's never told as a joke. It happens brutally because it is and the show wants you to feel it in those moments. There is plenty brutal things that Dazai does that are played off as not serious. What he does to Ango with the airbag in his car is brutal. Yet its framed as a dark but necessary action, we're supposed to agree with Dazai because it ultimately saves Kyouka and Dazai gets to have some vengeance. It's a framed as a victory over Ango that we're supposed to support.

Chuuya is constantly being brutal in fights. He kills those people in the woods when he goes to retrieve Q and it's not a gentle killing either. He enjoys the fight, he's happy to get his hands dirty, he likes throwing bullets at people. And we accept this because he does it to the "bad guys".

Yet when Chuuya murdered the guards at Meursault, people thought this was out of character for him. It wasn't. These characters simply seemed more like innocent bystanders to the audience so the reality of how vicious Chuuya's actions were, kicked back in.

So many characters do messed up things in BSD, to pin one as irredeemable because of them doesn't make sense when so many characters are guilty of similar actions. People put Oda up on a pedestal just like Dazai does, because he stopped killing and took in some kids, but he was still a murderer, he still shot and maimed people with ease, as long as they were breathing he was fine with hurting them.

Sure, you can certainly say, "I no longer like this character because of their actions." and that's perfectly fine. You have no obligation to like a character, your preferences are perfectly valid. I just don't believe there's meant to be such a thing as irredeemable or truly evil in BSD. Just people who choose to keep hurting others, and those who try to be better than who they once were.

Dazai has hurt literal hundreds of people during his mafia years but that's off screen and to nameless background characters, it's easier to dismiss. The way he treats Akutagawa is a reminder to the audience that all the characters' actions have consequences. That Atsushi's hero was another person's nightmare and that BSD has many characters like this.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I've been thinking a lot about the one-dimensional kinda fandom interpretations of Dazai and Chuuya in particular - the overemphasis on Dazai's weird brand of mischief/manipulation and Chuuya's anger and tendency to lash out and how it's not like these traits are... wrong, per se - these are their surface level/immediately notable characteristics - it's just that it misses the nuance as to why these traits likely exist.

What these interpretations don't fully capture is their very similar cores deep down - two people plagued by feelings of alienation, human inadequacy and repeated loss. Despite starting from these very similar places, they both dealt with the issue in near opposite ways. Dazai numbed himself to pain (remember: he hates pain! I cannot emphasize this enough!) and rarely gets close to anyone for fear he will lose them - his loss led to apathy, a withdrawal from humanity, a fear that he will always be empty inside - his ability: No Longer Human. Chuuya, on the other hand, refuses to numb himself and instead feels every single emotion in full and values his bonds with others over anything. He wants to belong and makes efforts to be perceived as a part of his group. Underlying this, however, is a kind of tired grief paired with resilience - remember that his ability is Upon the Tainted Sorrow. Not anger, or rage.

Sorrow is what results from this kind of heavy identity crisis and loss - for both of them. Think of Odasaku's read on Dazai as someone who looked close to tears when "acting" in front of the sniper poised to shoot him, describing him to Gide as a too-smart child left in the dark, or the way Stormbringer constantly reminds us that Chuuya is 16 and the desperation he feels in the scene where he holds his own dying clone, unable to help him.

Both characters carry a melancholy, resulting from their respective issues with their own humanity - I know I'm not the first one to comment on how their abilities could just as easily be referring to each other as well as themselves. This reads as very intentional to me - much like Atsushi's story begins as a clear parallel to the short story Rashoumon and Akutagawa sometimes being referred to in more beast-like terms than man, it makes sense that Dazai and Chuuya would reference each other in a similar vein.

And if that was the end of it, then we would expect that deep sorrow to shine through in both characters, but it rarely does except in pivotal moments. That's because the both of them have had to constantly deal with external threats - they believe they cannot afford to show vulnerability.

So, what you get instead is Dazai taking a kind of twisted ownership over his inhumanity and using it to make people afraid of him and to control everything so that he is never blindsided and hurt again, in the process, further alienating himself and making his issues worse. He inflicts fear so he doesn't have to be afraid. He can relax and be as silly as he wants - so long as everything around him is completely according to his predictions. There's a bonus to his foolish demeanour as well: hardly anyone can read him well enough to get close.

Then you get Chuuya, who feels so strongly and so much that it has no choice but to boil over, and due to never being able to or feeling comfortable with being anything but "the strongest", he hides moments when he is touched, or worried, or grieving, with anger and violence and defensiveness. As such, he is always seen as more weapon than person, a cut above the rest, forever standing out to others no matter how much he tries to integrate. The closest he came to true belonging was wrenched away from him before he could have a chance to know what that would actually feel like with the death of the Flags.

These surface traits are defense mechanisms. And the amusing thing to me is that likely means these two would love if that's all most people ever saw of them. (Of course, they clearly do want to be seen and accepted, but defense mechanisms become automatic over time because they often feel much safer. Likely another reason they clash so much - they see each other, and it is deeply uncomfortable for them both.)

So, you have Dazai defending himself with his two-faced nature, making jokes and/or manipulating everyone in the vicinity, and Chuuya defending himself with intimidation and anger, never letting any vulnerability show through because anger is easier but at the core of all of this is that loss and that grief and the sorrow and fear that pervades from it.

[a-random-weeb]

HIIIII COULD I PLEASE REQUEST BSD MEN WITH A REALLY UNHINGED/ENERGETIC LOVER PLSPLSPLS I LOVE YOUR WRITING TYSMMMMM

Alright, that sounds really fun!

Characters: Dazai, Chuuya, kunikida

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dazai:

•You both actively get into trouble

•You two piss kunikida off like there is no tomorrow

•Both of you team up to absolutely destroy his sanity (sorry kunikida)

•He does worry about how unhinged you are sometimes

•Ome day you're both watching the news and it's like

"69 people died, very tragic"

•AND YOU JUST LOOK AT HIM WITH A WEIRD ASS FACE

"Hehehe, 69" 😭

•Bro looks at you like 'huh?!'

•He stays silent while probably trying not to laugh

•He knows you'll do anything he dares you to, so he always dares you to do the dumbest things

•You even made a whipped cream snowman in the ADAs toilet

Ranpo went to use the bathroom and screamed so loudly at the whipped cream that kunikida ran into the bathroom to see what was wrong. He immediately knew it was. He was not pleased. He sprinted to find you and Dazai's dumbasses, and then scolded you guys for an hour. Dazai and you definitely turned everything one of this sentences dirty

"He could have got scared and fell and hurt himself!"

"How do you know he's not into pain?"

‎•♡˚+‎・‎•♡˚+‎・‎•♡˚+‎・‎•♡˚+‎・‎•♡˚+‎・‎•♡˚+‎・‎•♡˚+‎・‎•

Chuuya:

•Hes so scared your gonna die 😭

•He never lets you out if his sight

•Yells at you for everything

•Though, he does find your energy very cute

•Hell never admit that though

•I think he probably highers a 'bodyguard', or so he calls it but they're more like a babysitter 😭

•Bro does not trust you

•He doesn't let you cook out of fear you'll burn yourself or stab yourself (I actually stabbed myself in the leg by falling on a knife. I'm not kidding, ask my roommate @ginandginny, it was gushing blood)

•He loves you too much to let you get hurt

•He also carries you everywhere, because if he doesn't you're probably off doing something weird

"No. Do not eat that knife. Do not attempt to." Chuyya says firmly after your friend dared you to eat the knife

"But I have to follow the rules of truth or dare"

"I didn't think you would actually try!" Your friend shouts, trying to defend herself

"Put. The. Knife. Down." He glares and prys the knife away from you. You try to grab it away from him, so he grabs you by the waste and holds you to him so you can't move, setting the knife down. You're flustered but have to much energy to freeze up, so you try get away, but if course he's 100× stronger than you. He chuckles and leans in for a kiss but then your friend clears there throat. You both feel embarrassed.

∆~°^∆~°^∆~°^∆~°^∆~°^∆~°^∆~°^∆~°^∆~°^∆~°^∆~°

kunikida:

"That was irresponsible and immature"

"It wasn't THAT bad..."

"He was in forth grade!"

You stick your tongue out at him as he shoots you a glare. You had just beat up a kid over half a bag of skittles ←(Based off real events.... you don't wanna know, I promise I'm mature 😭). To be fair, the kid was rubbing the fact that he had candy in your face. Kunikida sighs "You're an idiot, do you want someone to call the cops on y-" you kiss him on the lips. Why? To shut him up and piss him off. He kisses you back and things get heated. I'll let you imagine the rest ;)

(What I meant by based off real events was when I was in grade 6, there was this grade 4 piece of shit who had half a bad of skittles, I asked for one and he said no, then proceeded to rub it in my face that he had skittles and I had nothing! I used to have worse anger issues than I do now, so I may or may not have beaten him up....)

-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-_°-

I wrote headcannons and did a whole one for akutagawa but tumblr couldn't process my post for some reason so I just put what I remembered from the kunikida one, sorry

[videogamelover99]

Coming back to the fandom with a 5 minute theory which is that, like Akutagawa keeping Aya alive despite following orders, Chuuya also exercised a bit of free will, prolonging Dazai's death as long as possible while still technically "killing" him, slowly.

He shoots Dazai in the shoulder. From like 3 feet away. You can't tell me the man who can shoot bullets with his fingers out of a helicopter has that bad of an aim, especially if he'd activated his ability. He shoots Dazai in the shoulder and then? Shoots him in the forehead?? But Dazai is still alive, meaning the bullet didn't go in at all. Chuuya is prolonging Dazai's death as much as he can because, like Akutagawa keeping his promise of not killing anyone, Chuuya doesn't actually want to kill Dazai, even under the vampirism.

[calypsocolada]

I FEEL YOU FORGET ME | akutagawa

synopsis: your forced to share a space with your enemy, akutagawa. authors note: i am sorry in advance. i was in a mood when i wrote this. loosely based off the song last kiss by THE taylor swift, also a bit of cardigan by miss taylor. i'm a swiftie i apologize. cw: blood, violence, suggestive, spoilers for s5 of bsd, kissing, ANGST, character death (apologies) wc: 5.8k

--------------------------------------------------------

You didn’t think you’d sleep a wink. Just beside you Akutagawa breathed softly, his eyes closed. It felt strange looking at him like this. His face wholly unguarded. His brows not furrowed in annoyance, or eyes squinted to shoot daggers.

He looked… peaceful.

You swallowed dryly, looking away. It felt like you were seeing something off limits. Akutagawa was your enemy, usually… but right now everything felt paused. Like outside these walls you two could go back to pretending to hate each other's guts but here, with the white noise of the tv and the roaring of the ac, your bodies close under the warmth of the covers, it felt… nice. Like a suspension in time.

A few nights ago the agency was attacked, it left everyone scattered. Dazai gave you coordinates and when you found a clearing in the middle of a forest you saw Akutagawa leaned against a rock. You two stared at each other for a moment. Heat and tension sparking. You never got along before. Akutagawa had attacked you on your first day with the agency months ago, he left you with a scar just on your cheek. A reminder of the fact you two were enemies anytime you thought differently. There were times you thought things would change. It wasn’t the first time you were forced to work with him and you were sure it wouldn’t be the last. Now you two were forced into a standstill and had to work together again just until the agency and the port mafia found their footing. Dazai gave you both clear instructions, you two were to wait things out in a hideout. 

It was tense at first, there was only one bed and you two had to share. Akutagawa was a blanket hog and you figured it was because he was so cold hearted. The first morning you woke up you two had found yourself tangled in each other’s arms. It was embarrassing. The second night you built a bit of a fort between you both so you’d stay on your own sides. That night you stayed awake a bit longer than him and found out something you weren’t sure you should know. 

Akutagawa has nightmares. Bad nightmares.

The kind of nightmares that spring tears to his eyes when he woke up. You pretended to be asleep when he woke because you thought if he knew you’d heard him ask someone ‘not to leave him’ he’d be embarrassed. You weren’t as cold hearted as him, you could use descretion. When you woke up that morning you said nothing as Akutagawa made breakfast and surprisingly shared it with you. He was a good cook and you wanted to thank him but things were still tense between you both. You wondered, besides being on opposing sides, what really made Akutagawa dislike you? 

You blink in the darkness of the room, pulling your covers up more to shield you from the cold of the room. Akutagawa liked the cold, he had the ac on high. You were damn freezing. 

“Please… Don’t.” Akutagawa's voice pleaded beside you. Nightmares again. You looked down at him, his once peaceful face was pinched in discomfort. You couldn't help but feel for him. The pillow wall between you both was forgotten this time as Akutagawa tossed and turned in his sleep, slowly shrinking the space between you both. “No… No, don’t,” His sleepy voice begged. You closed your eyes, settling down into the bed. You wished you could comfort him but you didn’t think he’d want that. You're not even sure why you wanted that. “Please,” You could hear the pain in his voice, the tears. You sighed, turning over, you knew this would end badly but you didn’t care. Slowly you reached over the space between you two. Your hand barely touches his shoulder when suddenly a black flash of his powers whipped out, slicing you across your forearm. You gasp in pain, blood trickling down your arm as Akutagawa springs up, his face wet with tears. 

“Wha- what the hell?” He asks groggily, wiping his face harshly. 

“Fuck!” You groan, stumbling out of the bed. The sight of blood has Akutagawa springing out of bed, clearly still half asleep because he’s grabbing you.

“What happened?” His features twisted with worry. 

“You,” You growled, yanking out of his grasp and stumbling to the bathroom sink. Akutagawa blinks in confusion as he watches you run cold water over the cut, your skin paling to a ghost white. You were never good with blood. You blew out some labored breaths, tears welling in your eyes. For all your bravado you knew you needed to ask for help otherwise you would hit the floor unconscious. You grabbed at a towel and wrapped it around your arm, spots in your vision had you sinking down and sitting on the edge of the tub. You breathed in and out slowly. 

“Not good with blood, hero?” You heard Akutagawa’s condescending voice in the doorway to the bathroom. You shook your head, knowing your voice would convey just how bad you were with it. You wanted to keep just a small bit of pride. You heard Akutagawa walk across the floor, bending down to look you in the eye. “Let me see.” He cautioned, your grip on the towel tightened, your eyes finding the floor. 

“I can handle it.” You heaved, embarrassed at just how affected you sounded. Akutagawa scoffed a laugh and that made you look up. 

“Don’t be stubborn, come on.” He said listlessly. You clenched your jaw and his stare sharpened, brows dipping slightly. You sighed, the adrenaline was starting to wear off so now you felt the pain in your arm tenfold. You pulled the towel off, instantly seeing the cut, blood trickling from the wound. You sunk backwards, as white as a sheet of paper. Akutagawa grabbed you before you could slump into the tub, his strong hands helping you stay put. “If I had known you were this bad with blood I would’ve given you a papercut months ago.” He quipped, his lips smirking as he helped you sit on the floor, leaning your back against the tub. 

“Screw. You.” You sibilated, pointedly looking away from him and your arm. He inspects the wound carefully and quietly, his warm fingers keeping you grounded. 

“It’s not that bad. Wait here. And don’t look at your arm, I dont wanna have to pick you up off the floor.” He says, slipping out of the bathroom. He’s back in seconds, you're still looking away. He works quickly, wrapping up your arm with care. Against everything you're glad he was able to help because god knows you wouldn’t have been able to. “Alright, you’re good.” He intones, you look at your arm and blow out a breath, letting your head fall back against the tub. Akutagawa pushes off the floor, running a cup under some water then handing it to you. “Here, drink.” You take the cup and do as told, drinking the entire thing. “Can you stand?”

“You cut my arm, not my legs.” You gripe, trying to push off the floor but you're still a bit woozy so Akutagawa ends up wrapping an arm around you and hauling you up. You let him hold you until you're steady and then he pointedly moves away like he’s noticed who he’s helping. You lean against the bathroom sink. 

“What happened?” He asks, standing across from you in the small space of the bathroom. 

“I was gonna ask you the same thing.” You blow out. “You attacked me.” 

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean to.” He says and you look up at him, swallowing dryly. Tension sparked and you're not sure whether it was a good or bad thing. He breathes out as though exhausted. “I have nightmares and sometimes they activate my powers.” He says looking away from your eyes. You bite your lip, wondering if he’d snap at you if you asked what they were about. Your fingers instinctively run across the bandage on your arm and his eyes track your movements. 

“I- I noticed.” You said and his eyes shot up to yours, you could tell he was embarrassed by the look in his eyes. 

“You- don’t you dare tell anyone.” He growls angrily and you roll your eyes. 

“I won’t.” You sighed. “What’re they about?” You ask, eyes cautiously floating back to him. He shakes his head, pushing out of the small bathroom back into the main room.

“That’s none of your concern.” He scowled. You take a few steps back into the main room. 

“Okay fine.” You growl back. “Forget I asked.” You two both climb back in bed and he whips his powers out to flick the light back off. You sat in uncomfortably silence, both of you very awake. You sunk down into the covers and turned away from him. It was a fitful night but you finally fell back asleep after about an hour.

The sun shone brightly through the blinds like blades of light across the room. Your eyes slowly opened as you raised your arm up to shield them from the brightness. You blinked sleepily, stretching when you suddenly felt heat radiating beside you. You were facing away from Akutagawa who had, sometime in the night, moved closer to you, practically pressed against you. His breath tickling the back of your neck, his hand around your waist. In your sleep riddled mind nothing seemed wrong as you let your eyes fall back closed, feeling his heartbeat against your back. This was the second time in a row your guys sleeping conscious’ had drifted to each other. Your eyes shot back open at the realization. You carefully and quietly squirmed out of his arms, the warmth and comfort you felt moments ago slowly slipping away. You were almost out of his reach when suddenly he shifted, sighed in his sleep and pulled you by the waist back into him, resting his chin on the top of your head, practically trapping you. You almost laughed at the insanity of the situation. There was no way out, you had to wake him before his powers skewered you. 

“Akutagawa.” You whispered not wanting a repeat of Rashomoun slicing you up again. When he didn’t move you tried again. “Akutagawa, wake up.” You hissed still in a whisper. He groaned softly and nuzzled into you, holding you even tighter. Some part of you twisted, something in your heart and chest. You were sure you didn’t want to know what that meant. One last time you said, “Akutagawa!” In just a slightly louder voice. He stirred awake this time, you felt him lift his head up and then suddenly he was yanking away from you, taking his warmth and the covers warmth with him.

It was extremely awkward the rest of the day so you took your book and sat out on the balcony. Only an hour passed as rain started to pour suddenly so you ran back inside, thoroughly soaked. Akutagawa had fixed something to eat and was holding two plates when you came in. He stared at you, cheeks blushing. 

“Is that for me?” You asked and he didn’t meet your eyes. He just nodded his head and as you stepped forwards to take the plate he cleared his throat. 

“You might want to change.” He says, you furrow your brow, looking down. Sure enough your white, soaked through, tank top was leaving nothing to the imagination. You didn’t say a word as you slipped into the bathroom and quickly changed. When you came back out he was sitting at the little table, your food just across from him. You grabbed out a bottle of wine and two glasses, sliding into the seat across from him. You silently offered him a glass and he nodded his head very quickly. You pour you both substantial glasses as you start to eat. The food was delicious, it was outrageous how good of a cook he was, especially when it was probably just something he had to heat up on a stove. 

“How’d you get so good at cooking?” You ask into the dead space. 

“It’s not hard. You just follow the directions on the back.” He says and you give him an exasperated look. 

“If I cooked this it would’ve been barely edible.” 

“That says more about you than me.”

“Screw. You.” You punctuated, taking a gulp of your wine. 

“How’s your arm?” He asks and you caution a look at him but really he hasn’t met your eyes since he used you as a pillow. You turned it over and flexed your fingers. 

“Think I might live.” You said and he reached across the table without a word, turning your arm over, you bled through the bandage a bit. 

“I’ll have to change that.” He says, pushing to his feet. 

“You can eat first,” you say but he ignores you and grabs some more bandages. When he walks back he kneels beside you and you blush heavily. He doesn’t say a word as he grabs your arm gently, undoing the bandages with precise movements.

“Are you wanting to pass out?” He asks, pausing his movements. You hadn’t noticed you were watching his fingers so you blush even more and turn away. He’s swift with his movements, gently dabbing on something that makes you jolt. “Are you okay?” He asks and you nod your head. He wraps your arm back up and tosses the old bandages in the trash. You swallow down a lump in your throat. 

“Thank you.” You saw and he just gave you a small nod. “Where’d you learn to do that?”

“My sister.”

“You have a sister?” You echo and he nods but doesn’t give you any more explanation than that. You start to wonder a lot more about him. What his parents are like, if they’re still around. Was his sister still around? Did he have any more siblings? You keep those thoughts to yourself and he sits back across you. 

“She reminds me of you.” He says suddenly, your eyes snap up to look at him, thinking that he might look embarrassed but he’s still and relaxed as he brings the cup of wine to his lips. 

“In what way?” You ask, watching him closely. He shakes his head, thinking better of something. 

“Forget it.” He says, gulping the rest of his wine. 

Later that night you both are laying back down, it’s quiet in the room but not super uncomfortable. Rain beats against the glass pain of the window by his side of the bed and for once he’s turned off the AC, opting to have the window open instead. You close your eyes listening to the rain, it’s soothing. It reminds you of home, you were so far from it, so far from anything familiar. Akutagawa shifts in the bed beside you. He built the little fort again between you two this time. It felt silly but considering how you woke up this morning it was probably for the best. You felt yourself slipping to sleep when you heard him mumbling again. The same thing. Pleading that someone doesn’t leave. You don’t reach across the space between you, you learned your lesson. You shut your eyes, trying to ignore it but his voice trembled like a kid and your heart lurched. Fuck it. 

“Akutagawa.” You whispered. In the dim light you could see tears on his cheeks. 

“Please— stay,”

“Hey.” You cooed a bit louder and he roused awake, jolting upwards. You sat up as well and he swiveled around, eyes scanning the room for danger. 

“What? Are you okay? What happened?” He fired off groggily and you pulled your knees up to your chest, reaching over and grabbing some tissues. You hand it to him without a word. He grabs it, averting his eyes as he wipes his cheeks. 

“I won’t tell anyone.” You whisper in the silence stretching between you both. You hear him suck in a breath, letting it out shakily. 

“How long have I kept you up?” He asks, not looking back at you. 

“Not long.” You answer, his hair is messy as he runs a hand through it, pulling it away from his face. “What do you dream about?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He says sharply. 

“It might help too.” You say and he looks back at you, eyes like daggers. You're reminded just then that he’s Akutagawa, he tried to kill you, that scar on your cheek that you’d been ignoring all weekend was from him. You swallowed, steeling your nerves. “What? You can help me but I can’t help you?” You argue, raising your bandaged arm. 

“I caused that.” He pointed out as if you’d forgotten. 

“And you fixed it up.” You shot back. He sighs heavily, leaning back against the headboard. 

“I really- don’t want to talk about it.” He said but he didn’t sound angry like you thought he was going to sound. He sounded exhausted. 

“Okay.” You say softly. You both lapse into silence again. A comfortable silence. 

“You should try sleeping first, so I don’t wake you.” He says, you clench your jaw, you wanted to argue, to pick his brain but you weren’t friends you shouldn’t care about what ails him in the middle of the night but you did and it was so frustrating. You slid back under the covers, pulling them up to your chin. It’s quiet for a few moments. “You snore by the way.” You hear Akutagawa say and a laugh bubbles up in your throat. Maybe he didn’t need to talk things through, maybe he just needed to distract himself.

“I do not.” You argue.

“Yes you do, hero.”

“Stop calling me that!” You call over your shoulder, yanking the covers closer to your body. He’d called you that since the first day you two met, you weren’t sure if he actually knew your real name. 

“And you hog the damn covers.” Akutagawa yanks it back so you spin around to face him. 

“You're impossible.” You groaned, the pillow fort destroyed in your guys tug off. When he pulled it back you huffed. You throw your head back in annoyance, scooting closer to him, he eyed you in the darkness.

“What’re you doing?” He asked.

“Relax,” You sighed. “I’m tired of playing tug of war.” You said, you were now inches from him, you could feel heat radiating from his body. Your heart speeds when he doesn’t answer you but instead slowly sinks into the covers. It’s dark so you're not sure if he’s facing you or turned away. You close your eyes and will sleep to find you. You inhale a shaky breath, slowly exhaling it.

“I can’t sleep with you breathing on me.” Akutagawa sighs as you clench your jaw. 

“Shut up, I’m trying to sleep.” You hissed, shivering under the covers. 

“Are you seriously cold?” He asks and you huff. 

“Yes! I don’t know how you're not.”

“Maybe because it’s not cold in here.”

“It is! You’re just used to it because you're cold hearted.”

“Ah, good one, hero.”

“It was a good one.” You pulled the covers just a bit higher and shivered beneath them.

“For god's sake,” You suddenly felt warm hands grabbing you. 

“Hey! What the-”

“Relax.” Akutagawa retorted as he pulled you flush against him, his arms wrapping around you. You're not even sure what to say as he pulls the covers and rubs his hands up your arms to warm them. This is all having too much of an affect on you, your heart races around your chest, your throat drying. You let out a shaky breath as you try to focus your mind on things other than Akutagawa’s hands on your body, on things other than your bodies pressed together. It was damn impossible. “Better?” He intones, her voice making you shiver. “Seriously? You're still cold?”

“It’s better.” You say quickly. For someone who freaked out this morning over something very similar, Akutagawa seemed damn calm. You could hear him swallow, his chin slowly resting on the top of your head. 

“This stays between us.”

“Yeah.” You agree, your body moves of its own accord, settling even closer to him, basking in his warmth. When you thought of Akutagawa you thought of winter, of ice and snow. He always seemed far from anything sunny and warm. But you were wrong, so wrong. He was calm and quiet and warm, like a nice cup of tea on a rainy night. “Akutagawa?” You whisper. It’s quiet and for a second you think he’s fallen asleep. 

“Hmm?” He hums. 

“What’s your sister like?” You dare, you're already wrapped in his arms, you wanted something more from him.

“You want to know?” You hear him ask, his voice mellow and soft. You let your eyes drift closed. 

“Mhm.”

“Or do you want to know why I said you reminded me of her.” He asked playfully. 

“Both.” You say and you feel his arms slightly tighten around you. 

“You’re very… caring. You care about so many things and you fight hard for the people in your life.” Your heart swoons at his words, you find yourself smiling. 

“So you can be nice.”

“Don’t ruin the moment.” He says.

“We’re having a moment?” You ask, pulling your head back with a teasing grin on your lips. You underestimated just how little space was between you two, your face is inches from his. You feel his fingers flex, his lips parting in a held breath. “Akutagawa.” His chest heaves a breath in and you realize it’s not often that you say his name. “You know what I think about you?” You ask, you're not sure where your confidence is coming from but you let it take over. You hear him swallow. 

“Nothing good?” He asks, his arms are around you and he thinks you only think bad things about him, it’s almost laughable. 

“I think about you often.” You say and the amusement on Akutagawa’s face melts, his eyes intense on yours.

“Is that right?” His voice is like molten lava. You nod your head. It's suddenly too hot in here, your confidence is melting. You were hyper aware of every body part that touched him, how his fingers felt on your hip, you gulped, biting your lip hard. “Leaving me in suspense?” He asks.

“I’ll keep my secrets.” You say because you're not even sure exactly what you were going to say because to be honest you liked a lot of things about Akutagawa. His strength, the way he looked calm in the face of danger. You two worked together a lot, he was quick on his feet and a damn good fighter. You secretly admired him and a deep part of you wondered if you ever impressed him. 

“I think of you too.” He whispers, just barely audible. You wonder if he even wanted you to hear that. 

“Nothing good?” You joked, trying to ease the tension but it didn't work. Because his  hand is sliding up your body, you feel his fingers smooth your hair back out of your face.It takes everything in you not to shiver, or to even more. 

“Quite the opposite.” He demurred, his hand finding your cheek. This night had taken quite the turn. You found yourself chasing that touch, the pad of his thumb barely brushed against the corner of your lips. You're glad the lights were off because you were sure you were as red as a cherry right about now. HIs thumb pauses at the edge of your lips before he slowly drags it across your bottom lip. “You,” His breathing is labored, it sends a sort of jolt through you to hear how affected he is. “You’re hard not to think about.” He uttered.

“Akutagawa.” You crooned and the other hand around you pulled you even closer into him. He must’ve liked it when you said his name, liked the way you said it. Breathy and sweet. “We shouldn’t.” You wondered if you were being presumptuous, if this was somehow all in your head. His fingers on your cheek paused. 

“Tell me to stop.” He coaxed but your words were flat, it was clear you didn't want that and if you said you wanted this all to stop you'd be a filthy liar.

“I- I can’t.” You confessed. 

Slowly his hand slid to the back of your neck and the little space between you vanished. His lips brushed against yours, hesitant and sweet. You didn’t want hesitation or sweetness as you pushed forwards, your stomach sick with want. There was too much history, too much tension, it was so hot in this room you could barely think. You weren’t gentle like him, you wanted more, wanted it all. You enveloped his lips with yours and had him whimpering in your mouth, your fingers tangling in his hair as you sweep your leg over top of him, his hands sliding down to your hips, pulling you fully on top of him. You pressed against him, tugging his head to the side as you kissed the side of his mouth to his cheek then down to his neck, kissing at his open throat. His breath stuttered in his throat as you took control of the situation, pinning his body beneath yours. You kissed him breathless, your hips moving against his. He made a sound, a breathy mewlish sound beneath you and you melt. His fingers dug into you as you kissed your way back to his lips, muffling the whimper you caused. It was clear he didn’t expect you to be like this, to be so desperate to take control. But you couldn’t help yourself, something about him drove you mad, you wanted all the control. You wanted to be all over him, you wanted control but felt completely out of it. His arms wrapped around your back, hugging you against his chest as he pulled you to the side, your hip hitting the bed as he kissed at the side of your lips.

“You just can’t help yourself, can you, hero?” His words send shockwaves all over you. Suddenly you were being pressed into the sheets as he kicked his leg over yours, the weight of his body trapping you beneath him. It felt nice, the covers had been thrown off as cold air caressed your hot skin. He kissed you softly, pressed slow pecks to your cheeks and forehead as he trailed kisses to your throat. You swallowed, his hand sliding up to your cheek. He was gentle with you, the fire in your stomach learning to like that. He was handsy, his fingers trailing across your hips as you both rolled onto your sides, lips locked. HIs fingers threaded through your hair and he pulled back, breathless, lips kissed pink. 

“I've wanted you for so long.” He practically pants and the confession has you hot and bothered because you felt the same damn way. You pull him back, his kisses growing desperate by the second. A phone rang across the room and before you could even think to react, Akutagawa's powers skewered the phone, the ringing stopping instantly. 

“That-- could’ve been Dazai,” You sputtered, voice hoarse but Akutagawa’s lips cut off the rest of your sentence, he swallowed your gasp.

“Don’t stop.” Akutagawa murmurs against your lips.

You’ve lost the little bit of control you held as Akutagawa takes charge, his slender fingers grabbing at the meat of your thigh, driving his hips forwards, cutting off any rational thought you held in your head. You’d forgotten where you were, why were you in this bed? Akutagawa’s pressing his lips against yours, his tongue swiping against your bottom lip. Where was this hotel located? You open your mouth, letting his tongue slide in. He kissed you like a man starved. Were you waiting on someone to call? None of that shit mattered. Because you both wanted each other so desperately, your bodies curving into one another, a slim line of clothing the only thing keeping you apart. His fingertips trail down you back, slipping under your tank, warm as they touch you. One hand slides back up to your face and you feel his thumb trace the scar on your cheek, the scar he gave you. He pulls back momentarily, your breathing mingles with his. In the dark you can see the cogs in his brain turning. 

“You gave me that.” You say, his thumb halts. Your legs are tangled together. 

“I know.” He says and his voice sounds so remorseful it physically hurts your heart to look at him in this dim light. “When I saw you again after it, saw this,” He traced the scar again, carefully as though somehow after months it could reopen. “I hated myself.” He says. “I never-- I never actually wanted to hurt you. I wanted to hurt Dazai. You were just-- an extension to him.” You knew a little about Dazai’s past but not much. You knew Dazai was a sort of mentor to Akutagawa but what kind of mentor you were unsure. 

“When you have nightmares you ask someone not to leave you,” You swallowed. “Are they about Dazai?” He didn’t answer, he averted his eyes from yours. That was an answer all in itself. You slowly pressed your palm to his cheek, your thumb gently caressing his cheek. “You don’t have to answer that.” You say, leaning and pressing a sickeningly sweet kiss to his lips, you feel him smile softly against your lips. And when you pull back he presses his forehead against your own.

“Forgive me, Y/n.” He asks, desperation in his voice. So he did know your name. How could you not? You nod in the darkness and let him pull you back against him, long fingers tugging the covers back over your cold skin. You cool off just enough, feeling your eyelids droop. He held you against his chest, his heart beating steadily in his chest as it lulled you to sleep. 

Akutagawa listened to you snore softly, letting his eyes drift close. This would be the first night he went without the nightmares in years. There was something about you, something comforting that chased them away.

When you wake up you’re freezing again. You must’ve kicked the covers off in the middle of the night because they’re just barely hanging off your feet. You sit up, light assaulting your eyes. You feel the bed beside you but it's empty. You yawn, stretching as you push out of bed, stumbling towards the kitchen. It’s empty but there's a plate on the counter. You grab it, plopping down in a creaky wooden chair as you shovel food into your mouth. Suddenly the front door is kicked open and it scares you so bad you almost vault out of your chair. You turn and Kunikida is rushing inside, his eyes meet yours and he blows out a breath of relief. He’s across the room in seconds, you stand just as he throws his arms around you, cradling the back of your head. 

“You scared the hell out of me kid.” He exhales, hugging you so tightly you can barely breathe. 

“Sorry,” You gasp out, he doesn’t let you go for a long moment as your arms slowly come up to hug him back. “What happened?” You ask, he pulls back. Looking you over, he sees the bandage on your arm. 

“Are you alright?” He asks, you nod your head. Kunikida brought you into the agency, he was like family to you since he practically saved you from death. 

“I’m fine, it’s just a scratch.” You wave off. “Kunikida, did something happen?” You ask. He lets you go, but squeezes your shoulders, swallowing. 

“A lot of somethings happened, too many to name off now. You need to pack your stuff.” He says and you nod your head, suddenly realizing what was missing. 

“Wait, but Akutagawa-”

“That’s… that’s something we're going to talk about. Come on, kiddo, we gotta hurry.” He says but something makes you stop, unable to move. How long were you asleep?

“Kunikida,” He saw the look in your eye and his jaw tense. He runs a stressed hand through his hair and guides you back to the chair you were previously sitting on. Dread fills you. “What happened?” You insist. 

“Dazai sent Akutagawa to keep an eye on Atsushi several hours ago. They were attacked, and Atsushi barely made it out with his life.” You blinked, unable to process things. 

“Atsushi is okay?” You asked and Kunikida nodded his head, but then looked down, away from your eyes. “What about Akutagawa?” You ask. The quiet was the worst part of the whole thing, that and the sympathetic look Kunikida provides. 

“I know you two never really got along but-- but he saved Atsushi in the end.” The air rushes right out of you.

“In… in the end?” You echo, your voice hollow. Kunikida bites the inside of his cheek, his jaw clenching. Just hours ago he was beside you, all warmth and life. You shook your head in disbelief. “Is he…” Your words fell from your lips and your voice stopped forcefully in your throat, tears springing to your eyes. Kunikida reads your expression and slightly cocks his head. That pain started from the bottom of your stomach and ripped through your chest. 

“He was killed by the enemy.” Kunikida says and that’s like a final snap. The words to final, to visceral to hear. Hot stinging tears slide past your eyes rolling down your cheeks splashing onto your tank top. Kunikida doesn’t question your reaction, he just pulls your body against his in a tight hug. Your earth tilted beneath you. 

“He was-- he was just-- here.” You forced out, choking on your tears. Kunikida held you even tighter as you spoke, probably trying to squeeze the hurt out of you. The pain aches worse than anything you ever felt in your life. Like some stabbed you in every part of your body and twisted the blades continuously. How could the first time you kiss Akutagawa also be the last?

You're not sure how long you sobbed but the rest of the day felt like a blur. Kunikida packed up your things. You couldn’t even stand. He helped you into the car and buckled your seatbelt. In the side mirror you caught sight of the scar on your cheek and the pain started anew. The scar was the only thing you had left of him, the only reminder, and even then it looked like it was starting to fade. You wouldn’t let it, you’d carve that same damn spot up time and time again.                                 

[daggryet]

cutting out fitzgerald from atsushi's visions... atp they're gonna cut out akutagawa from the next sskk fight to fund a closeup of dazai's toes after chuuya shoots him