#diary time i guess lmao?
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Trying to figure out what's been causing my migraines and finally have some leads!
Suspect n.1: my iPad. Another artist friend apparently started getting AWFUL migraines once she started using it, and swears she solved it with blue light filter glasses.
Apparently the iPad *can* cause migraines, because of the way it regulates luminosity which is different from most like laptops or screens. AND I did get the most intense migraine after like the first busy month after I bought it, when I drew on the iPad most days.
So this sucks, but I'm gonna try the blue light filter - and while redoing an eye checkup for the new glasses (last time was 6 yrs ago oops), the ppl at the eye center took the fact that I was having migraines pretty seriously and basically double-checked to see if my eye muscles were like. Always a bit too tense to make up for my eyesight EVEN with glasses and it turns out they were right!
It was pretty cool, they basically paralyze the muscle that makes the pupil focus so that it HAS to stay relaxed, and then check your eyesight again. And yeah I needed a bit of a correction on both eyes! This was also the most pleasant medical thingy I've had to do thus far - the technicians that checked up my eyes were young women who took me seriously and patiently explained what they were doing when I had curiosities.
It's a bit sad to say but I always light up when I see younger women at these jobs bc in my experience they're the only ones who take me seriously and treat me kindly. Like they basically did my eyesight check twice because they were worried about my constant headaches and knew eyes can play a part. Bless their hearts and I hope they go on to be full on doctors bc we need more healthcare professionals like them <3
#meanwhile i tried scheduling an appointment for like this place that deals with headaches and migraines specifically last month#but the next open spot is NEXT november so :^) f#wish the government would waste less money being corrupted pieces of shits and actually invested our taxes in good healthcare#like its insane that we pay for public healthcare#but then except for emergencies the only way to get treated decently and in a timely manner is privately#this eye check up was private too!#for public care I had to wait until july!! or February but go to a place i can't reach without a car#diary time i guess lmao?
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#i am only typing this because im tired and feeling more loosey goosey than i usually would i guess#but ive just been debating something for a while now#so basically i used to just openly talk about like. everything on this blog but then due to a multitude of reasons#i stopped posting about certain things 1. because irl people found my blog and probably still could if they Really tried#2. because i didnt want to post about certain things and have absolutely anyone know shit about me#like as much as it can feel like a cosy wee community. just me and my mutuals <3 etc. its like. actually the fucking internet djdbdjdhdhjdh#anyways whats prompting me to type all this is that i used to post kinda negative stuff on here i guess you could say. like just my feelings#and shit. but i stopped because i want this to be a positive blog and i do feel like you can manifest shit you know? if i constantly reblog#posts where im like “i feel worthless and i am a piece of shit” that isnt helping anything you know? i think what really hammered it home#for me is when i saw a mutual rb something from me like that and it made me so sad tbh. because like. no youre not. youre amazing and ily#you know? anyways. overall i think it has been a decision for the best and i enjoy that my blog has become a more positive space. but i#do sometimes just feel like im kind of going the opposite direction where i act a certain way when im really just. feeling crap.#like all the time. idk maybe tumblr isnt the place for it but it used to be my outlet you know? and i have other things like my diary and#art and even a sideblog lmao. but i guess i do just mourn my whole self not being on this blog. idk what im trying to say by all this#is it this deep? am i thinking about this way too much lmao. idk. idk.#le text post
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I swear I will always remember you like this,
begging for someone to tend to your wounds.
#ts4#simblr#ts4 edit#ts4 render#sims 4#myedits#kelly#dhestyn#ok i'm gonna be so real rn.....#i feel like this is really out of my comfort zone#like actually i might wake up & delete this lmao#guess we'll see#for those of u who might remember me (briefly) talking about it#i wrote parts of kel's diary a couple weeks ago#& this is an excerpt from that !#they are lines of a poem he wrote about dhes#the whole thing is long & kinda unfinished so i only included the parts i thought were ok#ALSO it was INCREDIBLY difficult to take making this seriously#bc both of the boys have really stupid tattoos right on their chests & i had to look at them the whole time#i wanted to have blood coming from dhes' hands but i just couldn't manage it#actually i didn't even try#not worth the pain#i should go to bed. it's like 2 am & i'm q'ing this for like 2 hrs from now#ok bye
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since james and i were able to meet up today (!!!!!!!) that means there’s only one person in this country left that i wanted to see that i couldn’t, but i think all of the people i met up with by chance or by surprise more than makes up for one scheduling conflict omg i’m so so so happy with this week i have missed everyone so much, and yk what it does honestly seem like i might have been missed just a little bit too… okay this is my last post about being in the uk i’ll be back to (probably being miserable in) the us tomorrow lol
#so so so so happy james called this morning#i love him like actually love him#one of my bestest closest friends and i am in a constant state of missing him terribly#we weren’t sure that we’d be able to meet up bc his start up has him travelling a lot and he wasn’t sure#if he’d be in ox or london this week but he called this morning so we could get coffee and !!!!!!#there’s nothing more to report really but it was just nice to talk like normal#and you know to have someone ask me how i am and really mean the question#god i love him so much he’s really so dear to me#also doing so much better than the last time i saw him but i guess we’ve switched places then lmao#anyways anyways ik ive posted a fair bit about this week but like#this is my diary#so#personal
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computer how do i stop feeling insecure on my writting so that can i write. computer please
#talking tag;#ok so. story time sure why not#today is my first day of uni and i had classes from 8.30 am to 11:45 which was. fine i was exhasuted but it was fine#and then i had to wait to meet some friends for lunch and i started writting and it just hit me that totp is actually over 50k words#and it's like brooooo i literally wrote a novel length fic (that's still not done btw! not close!) and for whattt who even has the time#to read something like that like why bother. it's not even (directly) about the main characters and i just#i'm afraid that i'm repeating myself i'm afraid that chracters are not being developed like i hoped they would i'm afraid that no one will#care and i'm also afraid that the people that do care won't like it#and then i met with my friends who study cinema and they bumped into people from their classes and i was just.#there listening to their conversations without interacting like what the FUCKKK am i doing here pretending that i fit in with the cool#cretive people and that my prose is any good at all#just. 50 thousand words of fanfiction and i'm worried that none of them are any good#but lately my motto is that i will figure it out so. i will figure it out#i did cry about it (lmao) which i'm counting as progress from the empty nothingness i felt around this time of year a year ago#but yeah man it sucks. totp is my baby but (just like kim lmao) my default is being hard on myself. i just can't not be#i think i'll write on my diary about this and then!!! we move on. oh well#i will finish totp that's a promise but yeah. today just hasn't been great i guess#and i have no one in my life to talk to about this so!!!!!! shouting into the void i guess
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#vent#cw vent#wound mention#sighs deeply#had to take my shirt off for someone recently for medical reasons and while 'oh you poor thing..' is far from the worst response ive gotten#it's definitely still strange to hear. like i'm not rlly surprised‚ i am aware that i'm an upsetting sight#and i keep myself covered all the time to avoid upsetting people that can't handle the sight of marred skin#but i've grown so comfortable in my body over all these years that an interesting side effect of that is that i tend to forget#just how shocked and upset and worried ppl tend to get when they see me. it's almost funny. the sad kind of funny i guess#guess i'd rather laugh than dwell on the knowledge that i'm a set of walking trigger warnings that must be censored#anyways. that experience combined with the stressful and tiring process of tending to a wound on my back for the last 2 weeks#has me thinking about Ch. 5 of AEIWNF. for... reasons. so maybe i'll finally make myself draft and post that today#there's so many things i need to make myself do but the appeal of just sitting alone weaving bracelets and binge-listening to TMA is strong#the urge to be alone and craft things while listening to stories told through a lo-fi medium... where does it come from#that's a rhetorical question i know exactly where it came from. i'm just turning into both of my grandmothers lmao#what's the line. 'i've got my grandmother's veins in the back of my hands' what's that from. it's a Wonder Years song right#Hoodie Weather!!! yeah that's it. man i haven't listened to that in ages. maybe that'll be today's weather report#anyways. what else can i vent about. uhh. it's getting harder and harder to put my thoughts into words and that's concerning!#i'm fighting the desire to push everyone away again even though it feels like i should. i'm too toxic of a person#like. talk to any of the people that have ghosted/blocked me and they'll likely tell you to stop wasting your time on me lmao#and they'd probably be right. i'm so caught up in my own issues that i feel bad for anyone that tries to be friendly to me#everyone gets sick of my shit eventually. i'm overbearing and self-centered or you don't hear from me for months. there's no inbetween#i wish there was. god i wish there was#i'm never active on here anymore bc i feel like if i am then that's disrespectful to everyone waiting to hear back from me#but it's so much easier for me to post and reblog stuff than it is to talk one on one with literally anyone#it's not even social anxiety atp there's just something wrong with my brain. like not to self diagnose but Something's Wrong#okay that's enough whining. gonna go try to do something productive to make myself feel less useless
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WAIT theres actually a new nintendo direct fr ????? 😳😳😳
#idk why but for some reason i thought u guys were just circulating an older one LMAO#i guess cuz i saw pikmin 4 mentioned which was announced last time.. anyway guess i know what im doing for the next half hour 👀#.diaries
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Uh you ever.... Feel okay or pretty decent and then you remember your lifes circumstances and then you're at the verge of tears?
#miranda talking shit#Maybe this is too specific but hah yeah ...#I can feel okay and be like ah things are pretty good ! And then i remember how my life 'is' and im close to a breakdown#Trying nit to compare myself to others and so on but like.... Its so hard not to lmao#25 soon and no job havent finished high-school i got no partner (plus i guess a virgin lol)#And all the things i havent done or experienced which is pretty universal? Yeah mmm... Ive lost so much of my time and life to mental#Illness and i cant help but morn that. Like if i didnt have my child trauma id probably have a lot milder anxiety and depression which is#Keeping from doing most things... Id still have my autistic and add struggles but i want to imagine I'd manage to accomplish more if#My dep and anx wasn't this bad bc of my past... I hate how my mentality was wrecked before i even knew how to count to 100#And sooo many years of my childhood just feeling bad and even suicidal (first time i mentioned wanting to die in my diary i was 10-11...)#Just struggling so many years mentally and since i was so young i couldn't make the connection why i was feeling like it? Like the first#Time i started considering why etc i was already like 16.... I didnt think it was weird to cry every single day as long as i can remember#Now at 25 i am still a crybaby but i do it weekly instead. Its just so ... Weird and sad. You dont understand how serious something was#That happened to you and how it affected you until youre almost an adult... And you start to understand that its not just all on you#Its not just your fault youre struggling so much. Youre not just being lazy and difficult ... God Just wish someone protected me when#It mattered . I know my past could have been worse i could have been treated a lot worse and abused more and still to this day it makes me#Feel iffy or bad to claim i was abused? I mean... I was? But cant help to feel my trauma and experiences is not as serious as others#Like i wasnt sexually abused for example or abused by my parents... And i know many have so i feel its not my ... Right to say anything ?#Like my brothers mentally abused me for years and physically from time to time but it could be so much worse#Idk where im going with this i need to go to my vourses instead im crying in the bathroom like stop#Negative
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In my depressed era again <3
#for literally no reason ugh i hate it i hate it i hate it#probably a bad mix of overthinking and lovesickness again but what's new#i figured out why i like to do stuff until late at night until i fall asleep lol it's because i don't wanna be left alone with my thoughts#i guess that's why i could go such a long time without you know what... i always had lots of schoolwork to do and didn't have much time to-#-think about this kind of shit and once i don't have anything to do anymore i found myself in bed with a bleeding arm lmao#also let's call this my 'everyone i know hates me and my best friends despise me the most' era#still gonna stay up two more hours because i'm like a damn puppy who waits excitedly for their favorite person to come home from work#at this point i should maybe write all this shit in a diary but like. you know how my rambling posts start so y'all can just ignore#tldr i'm feeling like shit and i can't promise that i won't do something stupid again#i'm just too hung up on things that happened weeks ago but like what if it isn't actually ok now#also i know i'm too clingy and possessive with people i'm really close to but it's just my abandonment issues :(#and i know i fucked things up with other people (friendships and relationships) way too many times so i'm putting all i have into this one#still i feel like it's too much and too little at the same time idk i just Know when i really like someone and then i don't wanna lose them#but at the same time i often drive them away with my excessive love and attention because certain people are like some addiction to me#ok no that's too much already for now sorry#anyways i'm sobbing and shaking and feeling terrible and guilty#oh and unrelated but i nearly got run over by a car today 👍🏻 fucking hate drunk small town students in a mcd's parking lot#mel talks#tw self harm
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#diary#drugs tw#personal#high#ill be fucking damned if you catch me not binging drugs this whole fucking week#lmao. im not joking. i plan to be high 24 fucking seven#im sorry if anyone wants to talk to me but like. im not up to it lmao#haaah. i ate some edibles (theyrw just a had candy tho) to like. quiet my mind down a little. and im glad i did.#i wouldve prefered to take a smaller dose (i only have 10 mg rn ;-;) but whatever. i just feel its a waste as im going to bed so lol#haah. im so tired. too much has happened lately and im just done.#disordered eating#eating disorder#i like. weighed myself again today and i gained a couple pounds :/ like. thats not the worst i guess but id rather not? yknow#suicidal ideation#self harm#idk i just wanna die latley. and if i dont i just dont wanna bother. its too much effort. what am i supposed to do with my time?#idk i just dont know what to do with myself bc im busy which in turn makes me give up on life lol.#...ive also been planning on self harming for a while now. i think i may still.#i do try to never self harm while intoxicated. but i was planning on doing that anyways today lol#yknow... i wish i had something stronger. like. i just wanna dissapear into oblivion. i just want nothing more than to give up#and i kinda think i am? slowly but surely. im just sorta letting go of things.#i feel like im just. sorta losing myself a bit. like. it feels like im just watching everything happen to me.#i forgot how it feels being around others. like. theres everyone else. and then theres me.#i hate it. ive always hated this window i have to watch others. but they all just. look at me strangely.#at least thats what it feels like. people gawking at a cadged animal...#im exhausted. i sorta wanna chat with a friend. but im also super tired and high and a mess and whatnot.#...oh well. theres not much to be done. i may as well just text bc im lonely.
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#today is the girl who used to be my best and closest friend bday and we kinda fell apart in highschool but I wanna talk about her so yeah#like i really thought we were going to be friends forever but i guess I was kinda holding her back huh so when she changed classes n made#friends w people who were more like her I guess she kinda grew into herself more idk how to phrase it better??#she was always a social butterfly and well I’m kinda terrible w people dshsjdj soo it was only natural once she hangout w people more like#her and going out and social gatherings and all that and I’m glad she found her people!! just kinda sad our last convo in college well—#anyways wtv I wanna this is for me n I wanna think about how close we were and how I felt like she understood me and omg! we would have thi#s silent arguments w each other where we would just gesture and stare at each other sgshsh oh! and cause she was always v feisty she would#get carried away and yell at the teachers when she thought they were in the wrong and I was always like pshh! quiet! enough! DDHSJD istg i#saved that girl from getting kicked out of class so many times lmaoo and on the other hand she always pushed me to talk more in general#and remember when that 16 wishes movie came out? we made a wish list for our 16th bday too sfshjdj none of it happen but hum anyway!!#we also always shared our snacks like sometimes if one of us forgot hers it would be like oh it’s okay I’ll just eat half of hers#and we used to go to my house after school and binge watch t€en wolf when it was still on mtv and we had sleepovers mostly at hers#she was kinda the mom friend and I never felt weird w her like w everyone else and i miss my friend and having a close friendship like that#I’m sorry I come in here ranting like it’s a diary lmao maybe I should get a diary but this gives the illusion of being heard better anyway#I don’t have the courage to text her happy bday cause our convo thread would only be my bday texts to her n I can’t stomach it so#happy birthday! i still remember and I probably won’t forget ever!#personal
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Went to a pretty dark place last night
Actually somewhat considered the possibility of having a kid at some point in the distant future
Although I then almost immediately turned around and imagined having a hot gay affair where the person I was cheating on my husband with forced me to take T, so 💀
#having a very normal time 🙂 lmao#my mom really got into my head yesterday I guess#gonna start tagging these kinds of posts with:#my diary#not quite a vent just rambling
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just thinking out loud but
I've always wanted to try songwriting but I feel held back somehow. it's hard to explain cuz I've never really encountered a creative endeavor where I've felt blocked quite like this. up to this point I've attributed it to simply a lack of training because it's the one creative pursuit I've never been actually taught how to do at some point, barring a couple years of recorder lessons in middle school 20+ years ago.
I actually really responded to the recorder. I think I would have done really well in the school band. if I could go back in time and change one life decision, I think it'd be that. but it wasn't in the cards, whatever.
that blockage still existed, though, even then. it's so hard to describe because it's all cognitive. some of it feels like garden variety lack of dexterity. some of it feels like whatever circuit is busted in my brain that makes math so difficult for me. some of it feels like whatever circuit is busted in my brain that gave me aphantasia and makes it hard for me to translate 3D to 2D when I'm drawing. it's like process errors happen and connections get missed. it's weird.
some of it is also just psychological too. me psyching myself out cuz new thing scary. but I don't think that's the primary road block. that feels more like a pothole to avoid.
I think I'm going to find a songwriting course to take while I'm on vacation.
#my diary#I'm having kind of an emotional day lol#and there's like something inside me that says making music will.. hmm#maybe not 'complete' me but it'll unlock some vital character growth I've been trying to unlock for a long time#it feels kind of silly to say it but I think this is an important thing for me to do#so uh I guess if you make music I would love resources and tips lmao!!#it'll be p much exclusively digital but I do technically have a cheapo keyboard I'd like to learn how to play#I've done a few yousician lessons and had a hard time with it but I'm hoping it's a kink I can practice out
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the way this is all pointless and hopeless and i am gonna end up as a disappointment. whatever
#loser pathetic diary post time watch me delete this in a few minutes after im over it🤚😤#hm........ let me act like i dont care at all and that im not on the verge of crying all the time#i feel like if i dont get to do this like.... i might die :) you know#butttttt whateverrrrrrrr baby fails at something important for the first time ever and can't handle it. lol#and the funny thing is i didnt even fail YET but i just know it's inevitable like there's no hope for this#and i was stupid to believe otherwise and to waste all this time and effort . like girl move on#ure gonna have to rot here like the rest of everyone :^) why did i think i deserve better anyway lmao#but. but im so stupid so im still like omg...... but what if it actually worked....... lol#girl move on. we gotta move on we gotta change plans we gotta show some effort elsewhere or im gonna tank so bad#im already a disappointment so. ughhhhhhh#i know either way everything in life is up to me like it's alllll up to me to work with and fix and make it better etc#but i really thought getting out of here as a first step would be . nice and.#even necessary. at some point. oh i really will rot here wont i. well. okay i guess#🗒
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Girl you gotta write your term paper and not cry about your poor life choices
#tw eating issues#seriously idk how much detail I'll go into but i had a full blown relapse of my eating disorder i thought I had overcome and i gotta cry#about it now so you've been warned#i didn't think it could get this bad again#I've been having ups and downs over the past 4 years and I've definitely had phases where i felt like I've relapsed more or less#but it was never as bad as it used to be#so now this is annoying#i avoided thinking about it the past few weeks telling myself it was fine even though i knew what I'm doing is stupid as hell#but yeah i guess crying about it isn't gonna solve anything either. i know exactly what helped me overcome it in the first place#and i know exactly why i couldn't get over it for so long. and unfortunately I'm currently in exactly that state of mind that doesn't want#to let me let go of it. i hate it. i hate myself for letting it come to this. i hate myself for everything I've done the past few weeks#i hate that i don't know what to do because one part of me just clings on to the obsession while the other part of me is just tired of my#shit. i don't know how to get myself out of it. it all might get better once I'm back home because food won't be as much of a problem there#I'm torn between not eating anything at all or obsessively calculating my calories and trying to get rid of every single one i consume by#running until my feet are bleeding and i just. don't. know. how. to. stop. it.#maybe deleting the three new food and exercise diary apps would be a start... but how do i delete these dumb arbitrary rules from my head#idk. i can't go home because of this obviously. i won't. but i don't want my remaining 3 months be consumed by obsessive thoughts and#self destructive behaviors either. i don't know#it's my fault so idk why I'm crying- i could at least wait until my term paper is done lmao#wasting precious time here#void screams#tbd probably
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screaming shaking crying trembling wailing sobbing throwing up punching the wall in anguish and agony and angst etc etc etc
#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#cw vent post#kinda?? i guess??#cw dentist#anyways yeah. i have to go to the dentist soon and i wanna throw up just thinking abt it#someone just fucking hit me with a tranq gun and get it over with already oh my god i don’t wanna do thisssssss#but don’t actually do that cause i would deadass revoke someone’s breathing privileges if they ever sedated me without my consent#that’s part of what i’m so afraid of. i don’t know what i’m gonna do if they say i have to be put under general anesthesia for this.#i will literally cry and run out of the building#so here’s hoping that they can just numb it and keep me awake#i need to stay awake for this man it’s the only way i can handle it. i don’t wanna be vulnerable like that.#hhhhhhh last time i was in a dentist chair i was shaking uncontrollably and it’s so embarrassing when my body does that shit#i’m so afraid it’s gonna be like that again cause my fear has gotten so much worse as i’ve put off going#but my father will be there with me so maybe my need to appear strong in front of him will override my body’s need to shake in fear lmao#so i’ve got someone to take me and i’ve thankfully got the money saved to afford it so realistically i shouldn’t be upset#but i am so so afraid and no amount of logic is gonna help me out here. i already know that#i just have to go do it like i have to force myself to do all the other things i’m afraid of#ugh. i can’t tell if i’m nauseous cause of the pain radiating from my jaw bone to my brow bone or if it’s anxiety#or if it’s cause i couldn’t eat last night. or all three. probably all three#i’ve never had any cavities or serious issues with my teeth before in my life so this is so so so new and scary and i hate it#but i want the pain to stop so i gotta get this fixed. and never eat anything with sugar or acid or anything ever again#and brush my teeth one million times a day so this doesn’t happen again#sighs and collapses on the floor. i guess i couldn’t run from the consequences of my mentally ill actions forever#also no for once i didn’t actually punch anything. that was just a figure of speech. and i’m in enough pain as it is rn lmao
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