#difficult i dont want her to feel like a failure

[fragglez]

highly gifted sister versus developmentally and multple learning disabilities disabled brother

[earlyspringtranscendence]

i wish betting on wrestling was like a thing because while i would never win if i bet on anything else (am bad at recognising patterns that actually mean anything) i would cash in soooooo much because i can ALWAYS tell when a jericho feud’s gonna run way too long again 😌

[bonny-kookoo]

Can we have a Drabble of take care Jk just being exhausted and having a little anxiety so he goes to YN to find some relief moment by just seeing her ?

🌼

I’m at work and I’m annoyed 😔

I'll provide some comfort until you're free from work 💜

Sometimes, things can get way too much. And today, he just feels like what he needs is to see at least some proof that he's not a total failure at his job.

There's been a mix up in two patients- nothing bad, but he should've checked twice. The name alert sticker was there, but somehow, he's been so stressed that he really overlooked it.

He barely caught the mistake before disaster.

But one look into your room tells him that his plan was a good one- because you're currently in your bed, but sat up, a small micro puzzle on the bedside table that you're still working on. He's brought a few of them in yesterday to both occupy you, and see how you work them out.

"Hey." He greets you, your tail happily wagging as you watch him walk closer, before he drags a small chair closer to your bed to look at your progress. "Do you like them?" He asks, and you nod.

"...I couldn't.. I had to put them back though." You admit, and he's thoroughly relieved to hear you speak a lot better than yesterday. He'd been a bit worried that you stayed quiet for so long- but you seemingly only needed a bit more time than usual to recover.

He notices quickly how strategic you go at the puzzle- having finished the outside border before you begin to finish it. It's a very interesting sight, and it just shows that there's so many deeper layers to you that just have been undiscovered until now.

"Which one's did you finish?" He wonders, and you show him three little boxes that have clearly been opened. "Already? You're fast, I gotta get you more difficult one's." He laughs, and you smile along, feeding off the praise.

But then your tail falls limp again, as you look at the table a bit more sadly.

"I'll.. Jimin said I'll get discharged on Friday." You say. "Do you.. know where I'll go?" You ask, and he feels his heart clench.

He doesn't know.

Currently, there's no clear plan since it's still two days away, but there's been talks with a nearby carecenter who would take you in for now, and have you set up for individual housing with a caregiver. But for now, you've got nowhere to go.

And he himself still hasn't made a definitive decision, paperwork unsigned back home. He really wishes he could give you a clear answer, but he can't- not yet.

"Dont worry about that." He instead tells you, hand on your head for a second before he stands up.

Leaving you behind, even though he really doesn't want to.

[stevie-petey]

don't be shy, give us a blurb of season 1 where joyce berates jon after his & bug's fight :D

ooooh this is basically a deleted scene in my mind so thank you <3

enjoy !

"i'll go make some breakfast." jonathan needs to leave wills room. he isnt sure how long his mom has been in there staring at the lights, but he hadnt slept last night and hes exhausted and wills room has become a shadow of what it once was.

he misses wills laughter that once filled the room.

now he talks his mom down from panic attacks in wills room after spending a sleepless night wrecked with guilt for what hes said to you.

"jonathan, wait." joyce pulls gently at his arm to stop him from leaving. she wipes her eyes, sniffles. "sweetie, i-i dont want to overstep, but... i heard you last night."

"heard what?" jonathan doesnt understand what his mom is trying to say. is she still manic? is she really losing her mind like the cops all say?

joyce takes a deep breath. "i heard you and y/n last night. i... i heard what you said to her."

jonathans heart stops. he tenses, his body suddenly becomes cold. deep, bone crushing guilt settles harshly upon him.

"you were... awful to her."

he cant breathe air into his lungs. his head pounds. his hands shake.

"jonathan, honey-i know that things are-are difficult right now and i know maybe, i dont know... i know i havent been there for you but y/n has." joyce rubs the palm of her hands on her pants. "you cant push her away. not now."

jonathan needed his mom the day will disappeared. he needed her when the cops showed up at their door with his bike. he needed his mom when he made missing posters for his little brother.

among the guilt crawls the anger. the resentment. why is she doing this?

"im not pushing y/n away-"

"you told her she wasnt family."

"mom, i-can we please, just drop it. okay? lets-lets focus on will and i'll make breakfast and-"

joyce grabs his hand. its the first time shes comforted him since will went missing. he shudders at her touch. her hands are warm, soft, worn from years of taking care of him and his brother all alone. "apologize to her. she'll understand."

"but what if she doesnt?" and there, underneath the guilt and anger and resentment, lies jonathans fear that hes lost his best friend.

"she will, sweetheart. y/n... shes too good. for both of us." jonathan manages a weak laugh, and joyce smiles softly. "ive never seen a friendship like yours."

jonathan knows his mom is right. hes ashamed of himself. the words he said to you last night paint his skin in heavy hues of embarrassment and remorse. you didnt deserve them. he had been lost in his own shame for the photos of nancy.

he doesnt like who hes becoming, with all this anger in him.

"the two of you will figure it out." joyce kisses the top of jonathans head. "you always do."

but things have changed. jonathan now knows what failure feels like. he knows that he cant protect the ones he loves. it burns his skin.

and burns always fester.

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @dreatine - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x she/her!reader

warnings: mentions of rape and abuse, no graphic descriptions

Where You Belong

As Spencer stalks the corridor of prison cells, he cant help but feel a little smug. He really did well in ensuring this monster would end up in the closest place to hell he could find. During one of the six nights of your absence, Spencer looked into the most notoriously brutal prisons in the country, just so he knew exactly where to send the man that had taken you. Usually, the prisons that serial killers end up in isnt up to the BAU, but being close friends with a tech genius like Penelope Garcia meant that it really wasnt difficult to switch the name of the prison the monster was to be sent to, marking it up as a hitch in the prison data systems. Penelope isnt one for revenge, but her along with the entire team adore you as well as Spencer, and they saw how broken he was without you; knowing what was happening to you because you were the thirteenth victim of the unsub meant everyone wanted the scum dead.

Spencer knew that he wanted to visit him at least once, to put him in his place one last time, within the walls he would be trapped in for the rest of his miserable life. Showing the prison guard his ID, the guard nods at him and lets him into the visitation room, where the monster is waiting for him. Spencer gleefully notices the resemblance between this scene and the first time he had met this man, except this time he’s handcuffed to a table and wearing a prison uniform.

“I had hoped you would be bringing the ever so lovely (Y/N) with you.” The scum chirps, far too thrilled by this situation. Spencer will soon put a stop to that.

“You dont deserve to breathe the same air as her, let alone see her.” Spencer tells him, his voice controlled and quiet as he stands at the opposite side of the table, staring him down.

“That’s a shame, I would’ve adored seeing her reaction to me smiling at her.” The serial killer grins wickedly.

“You’ll never know, because she’s under my protection.” Spencer declares.

“You mean like she was the night I took her?” The monster smirks, thinking he’s got leverage over Spencer.

Although his words sting, Spencer has far more leverage prepared. “I will regret not going into her home that night for the rest of my life, but the fact that you’re here makes both her and I feel a lot better.”

The scum leans towards him. “She will never recover from what I did.”

Spencer walks to the side of the room to glance out of the small window. “And that is the reason you are here.”

The embodiment of evil scoffs, revealing his narcissism further, as if it wasnt already blindingly obvious. “Im here because I killed twelve women and mercilessly beat your girlfriend.”

Spencer is quick to turn on his heel and lean against the wall with his hands in his suit trouser pockets, meeting those beady eyes with a steely gaze. “No, you are in here because (Y/N) is alive. If you had killed her, I would have killed you myself.”

“Oh, is that so?” The murderer tries to laugh off Spencer’s words, but his fear shines through. Handcuffed to a table in a prison as notoriously brutal as this one, Spencer could do whatever he wanted and the guards would turn a blind eye.

“Do you want to know the reasons behind your failure?”

“Please, do tell!” The subhuman is enthralled by any conversation about himself, which is exactly why Spencer approached this new conversation in the way he did; now the bitch has no choice but to listen to him.

The genius takes very slow, casual steps towards him as he talks, glancing around the room as though the topic has little interest to him, further infuriating the prisoner. “You abandoned your M.O and victim pool, you made it personal and left behind your own methods, meaning you were clumsy and made mistakes. Previously, your abductions were in broad daylight, you kept each woman for a week and then raped them and slit their throats, choosing to dump them outside of the high school where you were first rejected by a girl you liked, isnt that right?” He deliberately meets his gaze again upon asking the question.

The killer shuffles uncomfortably.

Spencer continues. “And at one of those crime scenes, you overheard me figuring out the exact cause of your rage, so you decided to make it personal and take (Y/N). Though that mistake could have been fatal for you, the next mistake you made actually saved your life.”

“How so?” The killer asks, trying to hide his shaking legs beneath the table.

Spencer keeps his hands in his pockets as he stands directly beside the man handcuffed to the table, towering over him with unseen authority. “You underestimated her. You thought that cruel words and beating her would be enough to break her, but you were wrong. Because every second she spent with you, she knew that I was coming to get her, she knew that if she made herself more interesting to you then she could buy herself as much time as possible for me and my team to find her. She played you, and she won.” The monster parts his mouth to retort, but Spencer tilts his head and frowns. “Oh, did you think she wouldnt tell me about her pressing you for information about the girl that rejected you, using the kindness and persuasion only (Y/N) possesses to her own advantage, until you started crying and showing her pictures of the girl who never even knew you existed?” Spencer laughs darkly. “You are absolutely pathetic.” He shakes his head and walks back around the table. “You got more than just the girlfriend of an FBI agent when you took (Y/N), and she broke you. You lost, and the whole world knows.” Spencer stops when he reaches the door of the visitation room. “Especially your fellow inmates, who will most likely enjoy making you cry, over and over again, until you are begging them to stop in the same way those women begged you. And just like you, they dont remember the meaning of mercy.” He holds his gaze just long enough to make him squirm, and then he leaves, without giving the subhuman anytime to respond and reinforce his ego, because Spencer knows that will haunt him for the rest of his days.

The drive home, Spencer is sure his car is powered by his own adrenaline. Despite feeling relieved at getting the closure he needed, it isnt until he sees you sitting up on the couch in a cocoon of blankets, hiding everything except your face as you stare at your laptop screen, that Spencer truly relaxes. The chuckle that leaves his lips is so light and joyous, he feels like he’s spent a lifetime with you experiencing nothing but bliss, and the memories of the past hour feel as though they belonged to an ancestor. Kicking off his shoes, Spencer drops his keys to your house on the table, undoes his tie and places it on the back of the couch, before flopping down next to you.

“Cozy, angel?” He asks quietly.

“Mhmm!” She nods excitedly, unable to tear her gaze from the show she’s binging on Netflix.

Spencer laughs at how adorable you are. “Is there room for two in there?”

Only words that lead to cuddles have the tower to break your concentration, you turn to him with a beaming smile and open up your blanket cocoon. “Of course!”

Spencer grins and wraps his arms around your waist, lifting you onto his lap and cradling you, placing a soft kiss on your forehead and cheek, which you thank him for by returning the kisses to his forehead and cheek. The two of you smile and snuggle up under what is now a blanket mountain rather than a cocoon, and you begin explaining to Spencer what he missed in the last episode of the show that you watched while he was gone.

Because you are returning to normal life, you are feeling safe in your home again, and you will ask Spencer about the visit when you feel like you’re ready to hear it. You are exactly where you belong, so is Spencer, and so is he.

[mooblesandsoups]

Songs like sunlight

An mcyt battle of the bands au

Some people really like my snowbugs WIP and now I'm using it as an excuse to talk about my au because I like this au. (Btw feel free to ask questions about the au please I'll love to talk more about it)

CW: the entire entertainment industry, implied workplace abuse and talks about disabilities

World building/plot

SLS or The battle of the bands au is a secret life au that takes place in a dystopian world aesthetically based on ideas like cyberpunk and solarpunk.

After all of earth's greenery was almost destroyed as caused by the industrial revolution people turned to music and other arts to not only cope but to separate more from the technology that was destroying the earth.

Centuries later earth us flourishing with greenery (however their water supply is definitely not better) everywhere you walk you see everything from people on scooters to bikes to street artist showcasing their work to anyone who'll listen, of course nothing can be perfect and Companies have used the rising growth of music to its benefit.

The biggest music company in the world is Watchers Inc. A music company that has been booming since the introduction of their latest singer a masked singer only known as X by fans as well as controversies with former members... However this mysterious singer isn't their reason for popularity oh no it's how they choose their next talents.

Every decade Watchers Inc. Hosts a battles of the bands competition, choosing a selection of popular indie artist to compete for a prize, with the winner being offered a spot as a talent for Watchers Inc. Alongside their prize.

This year is particularly special with the introduction.. And reintroduction of some familiar faces now battling to win a grand prize, which band will come out on top? What secrets will be revealed? What kind of relationship will bloom? And which will have their failures and personal lives broadcasted live in front of millions.

Bands

As mentioned previously this au is secret life based as that was what was currently out when I first started this au do of course I enjoyed playing around with dynamics and how they all started theirs bands/careers.

Gem & The Scott's- indie/alternative music (can't explain but think of black sheep by metric. That. Specifically the one in Scott Pilgrim)

Starting off with gem and the Scott's, gem and impulse met each other because of a family friend leading to their eventual friendship. Soon enough gem had an idea, let's male a band. Both gem and impulse had a fascination for music considering it's how they became friends, so it just felt right in gems eyes. However they needed one more member and luckily she knows exactly who to ask.

Next thing Scott knows as he's relaxing at a bar enjoying his break from music when a random ginger woman runs up to him and ask to join her emo band. And he said yes for some reason so I guess it worked.

Mounders- folklore music

The mounders were founded by pearl a few months after her band's contract was terminated by Watchers Inc. So she decided to start fresh and gather some of her friends to set up a proper band.

Due to Pearl's previous success it wasn't too difficult getting back into business with some assistance from her bandmates and suddenly everything is good again.

The Roomies- pop? (Maybe? Like Oliva Rodrigo kinda pop not finalized)

The roomies aren't technically an official band Grian is considered a independence artist by many and switches around bandmates a lot because of his contract with Watchers Inc. However he trusts etho and Cleo the most and preforms with them as much as he can because they treat him like an actual person.

The heart foundation- Jazz (Dont ask me details I don listen to jazz music)

Couple of dudes work at a bar and play jazz music. I don't know what else you want they're just silly guys with a bit of PTSD

Big dogs- rap (because its funny)

Jimmy and Martyn were both in the acting business for awhile which is how they met. Jimmy has been and actor since childhood and Martyn only started during adulthood while doing music on the side. Soon enough Jimmy ends up ranting to Martyn about acting and how he's tired of it after doing it for so long so Martyn asks if he wants to become a musician with him and Jimmy agrees then the big dogs were born.

Scar & Lizzie- Lizzie is pop (but like theater kid pop if that makes sense) and scar is yet to be decided (maybe country?)

Lizzie and Scar are both individual performers both choosen through a popularity vote by the fans and watcher staff.

Extra fun stuff

This was mentioned in the WIP above but Scott is legally blind, however he was not born blind. He basically got the bad genetics in his family and eventually starts going blind over time. Its really not too important to the plot (besides some backstory stuff and self esteem issues) but it's an interesting detail that I'm doing lots of research to get right.

Lizzie and Joel are married in this au! I'm only bringing this up because my friend came up with a funny idea that Lizzie was unarguably the more popular of the two but Joel bragged about his popularity more.

Skizz owns the bar the heart foundation works at the boys typically do seperate performances and performances together while also helping around the bar itself however Skizz is known to hire small bands to preform as well.

The setting SLS takes place in is as mentioned very green but there are spaces around dedicated to paintings and art in general, like cleared up spaces dedicated to graffiti or street artists having their own spot to work.

Almost everyone in this world is a hybrid of sorts, I try to have fun using lesser used hybrid headcanons but some are just a bit basic. Is there lore reasons they're hybrids? No I just think it's cool.

Since this is a secret life au all the winners of the previous games are Grian, Scott and Pearl (they won together), and Martyn. Grian, Scott and Pearl had all taken the offers to join Watchers Inc. But only Grian remains meanwhile Martyn stayed independent and just took his prize and left.

On the topic of the winners it should be mentioned that all the winners do know each other in some way, Grian is cousins with Pearl and therefore knew Scott by association, Pearl and Scott are former band mates but are still close, Martyn and Scott are friends from highschool so pearl knows him by association, Grian met Martyn at a bar an became friends.

And that's all yall getting for now!

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[hometownrockstar]

depression meds dont work so my psychiatrist prescribes me effexor, doesnt tell me any of the symptoms so i google them and find many MANY stories of people saying they get terrible withdraw symptoms within a day or hours of forgetting a dose, I bring up that I can't start it because my ADHD (which she knows I have) makes it difficult to remember my meds on punctual time every day, and my psychiatrist is all "Well 🙄 if you dont want it then how about you google medications and choose one yourself"

and I go "fine I guess" and do that and the new med i choose doesnt work and next time my psychiatrist is like "I just feel like a failure because we've been working together for 2 years and I havent gotten any med to work with you" and I end up comforting HER about it. Then at some point NOBODY calls me to schedule my next appointment and I dont realize because of my terrible memory and I end up being stuck without my meds for a whole MONTH (which im SURE would have been just amazing if I was on effexor like she had prescribed). This doesnt even mention the times she invalidated my struggles with autism, denied that covid still exists and why I'm worried about it, and left old refills on my prescription of lower doses i dont take anymore so I end up still paying for those. I'm so annoyed but I can't change psychiatrists for fear that my dad will just not help me get a new psychiatrist at all like he did with therapy for me

[beesmygod]

is 9/11 funny? 🤔

im putting a rare CONTENT WARNING on this post for frank discussion of 9/11. there are no pictures (they are linked and no gore), just words.

i feel compelled to answer this since 9/11 was on my mind lately. very american thing to say lol. anyway: i was thinking about the emotional/social disconnect between generations and how difficult it is to convey how vastly and terrifyingly different things became almost instantaneously. american has been in a freefall since, we've all just become accustomed to the perpetual pit in our stomachs.

9/11 is the point i think most people can point to as the moment when america became completely bugfuck insane

in a complete failure of leadership in a time of legitimate fear and confusion, the american right-wing government used the loss of civilian lives as casus belli to start a war predicated on a complete lie with the sole intention of lining their own pockets. 9/11 has been invoked countless times as america's free pass to run roughshod over the middle east, eliminate personal freedoms, RUIN AIRPORTS FOREVER, and enforce a narrative of victimization in which we were attacked by people we trained and armed ourselves. it's insane how fucking bad the bush years were culturally and its honestly hard to convey to a generation that doesnt know what it was like before all of america started suffering from a gas leak. as such, the attack has come to been associated with opportunists, grifters, warhawks, racists, and the biggest monsters in modern, if not all of, history. no exaggeration.

its human nature to want to sully the sacred. for 20 years it was a surefire way to hit ANY conservatives berserk button instantly. then i guess when trump had to account for one of his classic bangers, conservatives decided they didnt give a shit any more

the older and more cynical/internet poisoned i get, the more i start to sincerely believe that the ongoing attempts to shield people from the gruesome reality of what happens to the human body during a violent death has not done much to improve the human psyche. there are plenty of (good) resources and first-hand accounts about how unhealthy it is to repeatedly expose yourself to human death (like, i dont think its good to sit on ogrish and likeleak all day. it is bad to jack it to human suffering and mutilation lol), but now we completely refuse to engage with it at all. this is the part thats complicated for me lol. i dont think people should be FORCED to look at gore. i dont think it makes you a stronger or "better" person. but exposing myself in small doses to The Horrors has given more more of a uhhhh...understanding. as someone who was a kid and lived literally 3000 miles away, the way the culture shifted around me was significantly different than on the east coast. there really is a lot of information that deserves to be known by more people as common knowledge.

dont worry im not 9/11 truthing lmfao. im talking about things like the oral history of 9/11 book which includes an account from an EMS worker who had to argue with a woman who was just lungs and a head over putting a black triage tag on her. the new york times has an enormous archive of survivor accounts detailing how, in the middle of evacuating the second tower after the first plane hit, they were told to go back to work and stay in their seats, leading to an unforgivable number of needless deaths. there's the families that refuse to accept that their loved ones are "jumpers" in attempts to identify them because jumping to your death is suicide and bars you from heaven. can you fucking imagine? the idea of being forced out of a window because of the unbearable heat and into certain death freefall is horrifying enough to even have to contemplate but to have your family members pass judgement on you for it after would be beyond mortifying.

there's a lot i think about when i think about 9/11, even when i clown on it. the man who tried so hard to climb his way to safety and fell to his death while the camera watched helplessly. the scream of the man on the phone with 911 for almost 20 minutes before the tower fell on him. the sheer, impossible to comprehend scale seen in the photos of people hanging out the windows for air. or what it felt like to see the second plane hit; the ice cold terror of realizing this was not a horrible mistake after all.

ehhh but on the other hand

lol lmfao

[redditreceipts]

You have no idea how grateful i am for your blog. Its eye opening and i no longer feel like a hysterical bitch for worrying about what some trans movements (and im talking about those that want to police cis womens bodies too, not only theirs) was doing to feminism for past years.

Don't get me wrong... i think its fine when they do what makes them happy as long as they dont hurt other people. But more and more it feels like trans women want to dominate female spaces. And honestly, no matter how hard i try, i cant stop thinking thats its just male need to be always in the centre of attention. They come to us and instead of finding companionship and trying to fit in... they bring they own idea what a "woman" is and try to force it on every woman. Ones they dont agree with them they dubbed terfs and think that end of discussion. Another example of male entitlement if you ask me.

Im tired of bending backwards to appease them and once again ignoring womens issues as not to hurt trans womens feelings. Shouldn't they too be more empathetic towards cis women? Shouldn't they feel camaraderie with us? I'm yet to find trans woman who fights for feminist issues that dont concern her (i.e reproductive rights applicable only to bio women) with such ferocity cis women who are TRA fight for her right to be called a "woman". I'd want to be proven otherwise but more and more it seems like we're being talked over by men and male socialised people.

Sorry this came out long and probably makes no sense, but i feel like such a failure as a queer person to think like that. Maybe i am. But as a woman im tired of being silenced all over again. Now by the very people that claim sisterhood to me. But it feels like I'm the only one expected to hold my part of the bargain, they are exempt for some mysterious reasons. It's exhausting, I'm exhausted and honestly losing hope that my problems as a biological woman will ever be taken seriously.

Hey :)

I feel you in how difficult it can be to not feel like you have any people who see the same things you do. I also felt alone for so long because I had this nagging feeling about certain things, but most of the people I could find who were worried about the trans movement were conservative. 

And I also get what it feels like to force yourself into cognitive dissonance. It’s hard to try and convince yourself of things that are so blatantly untrue, and in the end, it doesn’t work. at least not if you’re a same-sex attracted woman who is a lot in LGBT spaces and can’t just “ignore” these things.

And I guess that there are some trans women who genuinely care about women’s issues, the thing is that they are not heard or uplifted because at some point they have to admit that women and trans women are different categories, and the trans activists can’t have that. So every discussion can not be about material issues, but it has to be about the use of language and pseudo-philosophical debates. Because if you look at material reality, you notice that cis women and trans women are not just different types of women, but different sexes altogether (even though trans women sometimes live their lives as though they were female and experience discrimination because of that as well). 

But most male-to-female trans activists are displaying such apparently male behaviour (sexualisation of women, talking over women, not taking women seriously, etc.) that you’d ask yourself why they don’t get dysphoria from that? I mean if I were a male who wanted to be a female, I’d at least try to appear female in some capacity lmao. I sometimes ask myself whether these people actually feel gender dysphoria or whether they have some other mental health problem that has nothing to do with being transgender. 

But you’re not a failure as a queer person. Actually, I don’t think it’s productive to use that term because being “queer” is some nebulous concept whose creation had only the goal to confuse and obscure the “oppression” of biological sex and material reality. Even a kinky straight guy is queer, a straight woman who gets off on reading Yaoi is queer, and by a strict application of the term “queer” as “people who don’t conform to cultural norms around gender and/or sexuality”, even paedophiles are queer. That’s not to say that trans activists use it that way, but the definition leaves space for all kinds of unethical paraphilias. Being queer is not an oppressed class. What is an oppressed class is being a woman, being same-sex attracted, being gender non-conforming, etc. 

You don’t owe the “queer community” anything. You owe it to people who suffer under systems of oppression like racism, capitalism, homophobia etc. to advocate for their rights and treat them as equals. You don’t owe it to some straight guy who watched too much lesbian porn to advocate for his rights. Literally nobody is oppressing him. 

I actually think that at some point, women will realise their shared interests and stand up for themselves. My only fear is that to come to that point, we will go through some sort of conservative “Dark Ages”, but maybe we can do something to prevent that by showing a third way to analyse gender on the basis of material reality. It’s cool that you’re interested in that as well :) 

[heliianth]

hey zelda nerd tell me about the inconsistencies in aoc i don't know much abt botw and i wanna hear

holy fuck. u have unlocked a pandoras box

ok to preface: i do not hate aoc. i clocked over 100 hours in the original hyrule warriors and i think aoc is better, and the only reason i dont have as much playtime is due to the fact that i am not 11 with infinite free time forever anymore. for a dynasty warrior type game where spamming ur light combo chain is typically a viable option no matter what it is actually decently difficult (at least to me) and the skill trees are engaging. there are no characters that feel like an absolute slog and the campaign is fun, if short. it is a fun game. and there ARE some character interactions that are gold—notably, the ones between sidon and mipha are genuinely heartbreaking, the DLC scene with revali and tulin is the best shit to happen to his character ever, and this version of link and zelda are adorable, despite what im going to talk abt for the next like. hour

the inconsistences that ive noticed are ones that like. u guessed it. have to do with link and zelda. in botw, they're the ones with the most screentime, and therefore have more material to botch compared to the champions who are pretty simple to understand and don't have more than a few establishing scenes outside of the divine beasts. they serve to support the theme as simple anchors for the player to relate each area in the game with the story. in comparison, link and zelda carry the themes of botw on their backs

botw is About a lot of things, but the main About is healing from failure by finding connection and beauty in yourself and the people around you. the story is fundamentally set up on a tragedy—the apocalypse happens, a countless amount of innocent people die, and in hindsight it seems entirely preventable, but it happens anyway. the entire game purposefully and starkly contrasts this backstory with serene, peaceful, grassy landscapes and an anxiety-free method of story delivery. there's melancholic optimism in the fact that even the most world-ending disaster is moved past by trees and wildlife and people. this video is an excellent deconstruction if you want something to listen to for like, an hour. it phrases things better than i ever could (it also dives into what im going to say abt zelda as a character but hang on with me for a little bit). to paraphrase it, botw says "life is tenacious". but it's also kind of hard to grasp this, for an audience, when it's on such a magnitude---most people cannot relate to the calamity ravaging hyrule and forcing it into a state where it takes 100 years to heal as a failure. to actually convey the theme, it needs more personalized representations for the audience to connect with

zelda and link, as characters, show different failures and ways to react to them. before i start i want to say that when i say "failure" referring to them, im talking about what is considered by the people around them as a failure. zelda physically not being able to unlock her magic or link being like, an actual person, is not a failure. social construction and all that. the importance is them believing, perceiving, it to be a failure among themselves. capiche?

im going to talk about link first, because link is the foundation that zelda builds on. ive made posts about it before, but the way links backstory is constructed as a collection of clues that must be strung together by people who are dedicated to it is representative of him as a person, or at least who he used to be. link is a child soldier who draws the master sword at 12-13 years old and finds the weight of being one of two people with the responsibility of killing the prehistoric incarnation of hatred and death unceremoniously dropped on his shoulders. to cope with that, his response is absolute conformity. he shuts down so completely that he doesn't speak, or even emote, to anyone, for fear of not being what hyrule needs from the mythical hero of legend. he decides dehumanizing himself is easier than not living up to that expectation.

zelda is similar but different in some very key ways. she has a direct lineage tracing back to the goddess hylia, all of whose female descendents possess some form of holy sealing magic that vanquishes ganon. she loses her mother at age six and the king thinks it is a brilliant idea to give her one year to mourn before forcing her into trying to unlock her sealing magic via rigorous prayer and devotion. despite her best efforts, she finds she cannot conform, that she genuinely cannot do what people are asking her to. instead, she tries to put herself to use somewhere else, finding passion and connection in the sheikah and their ancient technology, and holds onto a spirit of individuality for 10 years straight.

the way zelda builds on link is in the fact that she has a character arc. eventually, after a while of hating and projecting insecurity onto link, who refuses to communicate back to her, she develops the courage to reach out an olive branch. with that, she finds connection and worth and, yeah, love. link opens up to her a little bit, but cannot bring himself to lower his facade completely. this uhhh fucking kills him. he dies (or, i guess, "falls" but the place they put him in was called the shrine of resurrection. he was dead). and zelda lives because this newfound connection and understanding was the key to unlocking her sealing magic, which saves both her and fort hateno. with link and zelda, pre-calamity, botw says "finding worth, connection, and love (im really trying to dodge amatonormativity please see my attempts . please) within yourself and others is the key to overcoming failure. by denying your own humanity and isolating, you're dooming yourself." zelda uses her connection and love to ward off the calamity for 100 years. basic magic of friendship stuff

link has more development in the fact that hes the personification of the literal land of hyrule itself and the themes come full circle by his death healing him in the same way the land healed after 100 years and only when he regains his connection to zelda, uninhibited by the restrictions he placed on himself pre-calamity, can he go help her blah blah blah thats largely unimportant because that's post-calamity stuff, which is irrelevant to aoc.

and god we JUST arrived at aoc im so sorry but i needed to explain all that to succinctly explain why i'm bothered by the way it writes these two. ok. you see all that i just splurged out? with help from all my brainworms and 500 hours of playtime? aoc does none of this.

aoc was kind of doomed from the beginning. botw being post-post-apocalypse is so important to its themes and narrative that everyone and their mom expected aoc to be the darkest zelda game ever released. it was marketed as a botw prequel--- the fleshed out story of the calamity, which, as i mentioned, ends with everyone including link fucking dying, and that was what people wanted out of it. i personally had suspicions back in, what, 2021? that it wasnt going to end on a note like that but everyone was largely hopeful that it was going to remain faithful and let us experience the story that was largely told through flashbacks in botw. this is not the case and it was so obviously not the case that i feel silly for believing otherwise, because its hyrule warriors, and more importantly, its a video game. they're not going to end a video game, especially not one in a genre which has a gameplay loop that relies on post-campaign content and grinding, on an unwinnable final boss. would it have been metal as fuck? yes. but from an actual game content standpoint, where they want to reward the player for more playtime? not gonna happen.

so already were off to a bad start. but an everyone lives no one dies au isn't the worst case scenario, i suppose. but. um.

aoc not only straight up does not include the important parts of link's backstory that i mentioned (that is, the fact that he is deathly anxious and traumatized and that this is the reason why he's quiet), but it also doesn't really... have a pronounced "zelda finds connection" arc. at least, it's not notable enough for me to remember it. sure, she grows closer to link, and her love of him is still what unlocks her magic, but she never despises him like she started out doing in botw. there's little to no projection in a way that emphasizes her independence and self-respect that's in conflict with her self-loathing. there's no interpersonal conflict to link's conformity that makes them thematic foils. this all makes her revelation in fort hateno where link originally dies much less potent, discounting the fact that originally the result of her revelation gives her the strength to hold back hatred incarnate for 100 years. but that doesn't happen either because as we've established this is an everyone lives nobody dies au and link's character arc goes unfulfilled as well because, well, everybody lives.

for all the time travel stuff is weird and the egg is a retcon and king rhoam's death is set up as a sacrifice and then later rug pulled for the sake of another playable character (and also sympathy-baiting) its what ive mentioned above that grinds my gears the most because my favorite thing about botw is its themes and the way it handles them in relation to link, zelda, and the open world gameplay. and age of calamity doesnt tick any of those boxes. so while there are more gaping plot holes or nitpicks i could make, i don't really think theyre worthwhile in comparison to the issues ive described. thats why i cant love it the way i love botw and am loving totk right now, even though its technically part of the trilogy. its fun to think about in isolation, and it doesnt ruin everything the way a movie like httyd3 does, but it's also one massive "they would not fucking say that" which bothers me occasionally

woo. there u go. hopefully u had fun hearing

[larrythefloridaman]

through improv and sheer serendipity kerfuffle depicts a more realistic dysfunctional family dynamic than some prestige melodramas with the ciblings. I keep talking about this because it all compels me so much.

Prism is the root. but the way that shes treated them all creates this vicious self-perpetuating dysfunction by, intentionally or not, pitting them against eachother in a way that reflects real abuse tactics- it becomes more difficult to identify the real problem if your victims are too busy infighting to realize their common enemy and band against you.

Cobalt tries to protect Crimson and Chartreuse by making them follow The Rules™️ so prism wont involve herself, but this redirects their resentment of her onto him, especially in circumstances like cpuk white/orange, where Prism enables Crimson by freeing him unconditionally without any strings attached (hes supposed to be the powerful bad guy thats fun to fight, not out of prison on parole on his best behavior to not get put back in, she needs to enable and push him to act his worst,) until Cobalt swoops in with conditions to try to do preemptive damage control by making up some rules for crimson to have to follow, critically that he has to Get Back in his Living Jail Cell (crimsonaut) at the end of the tournament. And i dont think crimson would've tried to kill the poor guy if his existence wasn't Actively A Threat To His Freedom! He clearly likes the little dude, he's didn't do that because he Wanted to he just refused to get stuffed back in the jar. he's just. a pretty ruthless pragmatist about certain things and will absolutely do whatever he feels he needs to to accomplish an endgoal of sufficient importance, even if he doesnt feel great about it.

Which cobalt finds distasteful and shitty, and Crimson trying to trigger an apocalypse of sorts apparently just to spite him and rub his face in his failure to protect Mark's universe of origin (while also, in the process and intentionally or not, demonstrating his own system's strength through stress-testing,) even more so. And a lot of the time he's not even Wrong that things crimson does are morally shitty its just that being a god, especially one who wields their power effectively, is sort of inherently unethical in a way I don't think Cobalt's willing to fully accept, and Crimson may be an asshole but hes the one of these two who can generally come out of the trolley problem having chosen correctly, y'get me. Cobalt provably has allowed many many people to suffer through his refusal or inability to take action to prevent it because it would mean having to get his conscience dirty by making a less than ideal choice, and Crimson hates that he has the gall to judge how Crimson performs his duties when the facts are what they are, and Cobalt IS an irrational idealistic hypocrite who doesn't know what he's talking about! He kind of has to be! because the kinds of expectations and circumstances that are placed on them are fundamentally contradictory because, as i said, its kind of impossible to Ethically Be God, and as such if he has to babysit prism's temper so his siblings don't get hurt by keeping them in line and behaving and being Good, he has to operate by following what he can glean of fundamentally irrational and deliberately obtuse rules to the best of his ability, because child abuse is fundamentally irrational. But Cobalt doesn't get that! This is his normal and he doesnt have enough experience outside his bubble to really get how not normal it is! He doesn't feel he needs to justify any of this rationally because their godhood makes them Exceptional, they get to decide what is and is not rational for someone in their position, at least until Prism pulls his entire identity out from under him like a rug. But Crimson through his rebellion demands he make sense without really putting together why Cobalt, attempting to be obedient and dutiful, Acts Like That and dismisses his challenges to the rules as insubordinate and irresponsible, because he doesn't get that Cobalt's criticism is irrational because Prism's irrational and he has to measure by her standard, which she won't make clear. Neither of them get that neither obedience nor rebellion will get them treated better, until they find out their true purposes and the futility finally clicks. But by now they've built up so much baggage around this dynamic and their roles that Cobalt's default with Crimson is accusatory and judgemental, Crimson is the Problem Child and is treated as such, and Crimson, having enough worldly experience with mortals to have reference for what normal is actually supposed to look like and now knowing all his rebellion was pointless, has taken to rationalizing his abuse as having actually been Uniquely Fine because he was a Bad Kid™️ y'see, the god of treachery, Assigned Problem At Birth, even if he'd never want to see any other kid treated like he was, and not really seeing that for the cognitive dissonance that it is just yet.

Meanwhile Chartreuse has seen ALL of this dynamic for what it is for god knows how long. The Futility and overwhelmingly tangled whole of it all frustrates her and its miserable and she wishes they could just stop fighting and see the truth, but she can't really bridge the gap in understanding between them, because she can't tell them anything without risking Prism coming down on her, so she plays her role as best she can when the rules are made up and make no sense but not following them could get her killed, her only option left knowing all this being to stop caring, and so time blurs together in a miserable featureless repetitive slog of overwhelming pain and nonsense........ until she gets out. And now everything is novel and exciting again, and she has to find her footing in a whole new world when her old life and experiences alienate her, and she has all these new challenges that other people don't have because of the environment she was raised in, but she'd sincerely rather die a normal death after a well-lived life than go back to that unending 'special' hell. And god, good for her

[sunset-bridge]

gorbo thoughts part .. 3?

goro thoughts update. id like to ramble again

ok i think he might not have ocd actually! i mean he could but like...i dont think theres too many signs. so yes id like to. recall that. i think that was just me projecting LMAO.. its ok! i love learning more about my favorite guy. you know what he does have

i stand by the ocpd. (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, its a completely different thing from OCD. its a personality disorder) also Definetely ctpsd (complex ptsd)...... ! i was talking with someone and they brought it up and i was like. WOAG.. after reading about it

disclaimer: i only talk about these because i have them LOL.. im sure gorbo has a cute soup of Other problems but like. i cant really talk about those well... i find these two really interesting though.

see. ocpd, is like the perfectionist control freak disorder. its what people Think ocd is lol. BUT as a personality disorder, its so much more than that. people with ocpd also:

-you tend to have a black and white moral code

-your way is the only right way.

-you like to do things alone because no one else could do them right; this may cause relationship problems and you may come across as a fucking cunt ( i know this..)

difficulty compromising and accepting any critisicim of your actions or opinions.

excessive devotion to work and productivity

sosososo afraid of failure even if its kinda small. you feel it will ruin your image forever and ever. if i make a mistake put me to death please.

Frequently become overly fixated on a single idea, task or belief. even to detriment of . everything else in your life...

yeah...

me and some friends definetely see some of these in goro! ofc im so happy to hear what you guys think, i dont mind changing my views at all (like with the ocd thing i changed opinion about!)

like.. hes super fixated on his revenge plan, its the Only thing he cares about and everything is fair game if it allows him to advance that. leave him alone, its no one elses problem. he knows what hes doing. he has to be right about his values and beliefs. he has to. or else whats the point. dont tell him hes wrong. what do you mean? you dont know anything about him. he cant fail, he cant make mistakes, he has to work hard so everyone sees him exactly as he wants to and as someone valuable.

and. cptsd. as the name suggests its. a form of ptsd but..it has the Special Added features of:

-sometimes cant control emotions well

-you feel angry distrustful and resentful at the world in general

you feel worthless, empty or forever damaged by an event. like if you were stained with dirt forever.

you feel isolated. like no one could ever even understand what you went through (not in like an. edgy kid way. like fr. you feel even if you explained to people. they wouldnt understand you and your feelings. or theyd judge you and further hurt you...)

avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult (!!)

escapism or depersonalisation...dissociative behaviors .

yeah.. ! yeah. i think these ring quite some bells huh..! its really shitty! you feel like no one would get it, like no one would like you, like you are ruined forever and theres not much to do about it.

makes sense that goro would absorb himself in his plan. after all. he felt he was some sort of curse upon his mom; as if he was the one responsible for ruining her life.. but hed like to "redeem" himself with the revenge plan. he has to, even if its difficult to go on. i wonder if he planned to do anything if he achieved his plan? i dont think so. its a bit sad but.. he didnt really seem to plan doing. or living much more after. its like his whole life he convinced himself his only use would be as the vehicle to enact a revenge years in the making, and thats it.

as if he wasnt a person. just a tool to revenge. i think this is why its so difficult, frustrating and downright distressing to him to accept he too, has feelings and wants and needs like any Normal Person on planet earth. no way. those just interfere with the plan. and he has no right anyways.

i thought how id feel, in his shoes and with all my cute soup of wrong stuff, if some guy showed up, hes the guy i gotta kill. ok. then hes nice with me, as if mocking me. hes better at me in most things. he has friends and family and everyone likes him and he barely moves a finger. while i had to work so damn hard to even get acknowledged?? what does he have that i do not. hes nothing special. so why? then this guy acts like a fool even when hes so extraordinary in every aspect... does he think its funny? for someone so special to pretend to be ordinary. when id kill to be just half as special as him. honestly.. id become super frustrated with this bastard too. his presence would infuriate me. and the most frustrating thing, would be that this guy seems to be the only guy that seems to like hanging out with me. what the hell. guess he enjoys trying to humor me..

man...

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

so clearly the master isnt against interregeneration uhhh fraternisation principially right and missys distaste is mostly a distaste for him specificallly rather than the idea itself so heres my questions 1) would she do it with dhawan and 2) would simm and dhawan do it

and wait another one actually 3) would they do it just to upset her yes i think they would shes annoying the same way the doctor is oh you think youre better just because youre not having a very public catastrophic mental breakdown? youre not better than us. and also while simm is a bad memory and dhawan is a horrible prospect to her, for them, already in their situations, each other's situations wouldnt look too bad. simm would probably be like 'cyberium in your head? huh hadnt thought of that but nice. whats it feel like'

dhawans view of simm would be interesting bc while both their heads are Bad, dhawan doesnt have the drums and is like filling that hole with other stuff LIKE the cyberium actually i think. for simm not having drums would look like gREAT probably but dhawan is like eh greener on the other side kinda situation and also simm is like a teenager. dhawan is soooo much older. simm would be a little annoying to him but not annoying-because-threatening the way missy is but annoying in just a kid-there-are-bigger-problems way i think

so yes i think simm and dhawan would do it but i think for dhawan it'd be purely performance, the MOMENT missy, or the doctor, stops watching hes like Bye hes gone hes Not interested this kid isnt at all interesting to him

would missy do it with dhawan i think only if that had a chance of comforting him. i think she'd find him horrifying but i also think she would like, face that feeling face that future face him and try to comfort him in the way that the doctor cant. if you set the situation up right that might be sex. you can make that happen

im not sure though about his interest in her like with simm i dont think hes interested but with missy,,,,,, ehg. shes difficult. shes threatening, shes painful, shes his failure, hes hers. i think he'd be scared of her initially the same way shes scared of him and he'd want to hurt her but after missy has proved she can provide what the doctor cant, idk, idk what he wants but i also dont know if he knows what he wants except to die. so

i think they'd get along better than either with simm though. or they'd get each other better. they're closer, psychologically. on the surface idk if that would really look like getting along. simm is embarrassing to them both and if theres anything that could unite two people i think it's a shared embarassment of what your shared teenage self got up to. simm: speaks. missy&dhawan: exchange A LookTM

OH YOU KNOW WHAT. the master-doctor would. the master-doctor would. go to the vault. "it's all you wanted for half a century, i'd know" "youre not him" "im both, best of" "hm"

[finitevoid]

like you have to understand. ed is the normal human wife. hes lois lane. iris west. linda park. hes the grounded foil to bart's elevated intensity. This is important in flash comics because of how their powers work: they become so disconnected from reality that staying is more difficult than leaving, and the only remedy for this is a lightning rod-- i.e. a connection and intimacy with a person who isnt connected to the speedforce, thus making them, by definition, the speedsters anchor to reality. if this person isnt in the speedforce, then the speedster sure as fuck cant leave-- at least, not without leaving this person, too. flash comics have a long history with characters like this-- joan garrick is the classic, quintessential The Girl You Leave Behind To Go Fight In The War. jay was probably petting polaroids of her in the literal trenches. iris west is the 70s career woman-- she works and shes good at it and thats what she does. shes independent, but chooses to settle down of her own volition (shocking). linda park is very 90s comics, rocking the boat. for one, she isnt white, for two, shes the breadwinner. wally consistently gets himself into shit in his real life and linda is consistently the one dragging him out of it. they have this very intense back-and-forth at first, where wallys chauvinistic tendencies grind RIGHT up linda's second-wave feminism. but despite all this, these characters all get subsumed into the wider Speedster's Wife trope. like all things, a good writer wont mishandle the sheer breadth of possibility with any of them, but a bad writer most certainly will. and generally, they dont really exist outside of flash solos unless linda is showing up to corral her kids at the end of the world during final crisis, or something

but the importance of this character cannot be understated. not only in the literal sense of the superpowers, but also in that the comics NEED a grounded foil to it all. superheroes are meant to be this power fantasy, yeah, but for the most part, the average comics reader has more in common with iris west than they do barry allen. while the flash is off running through space and time, linda is writing her thesis. good writers will understand that these characters are just as, if not more, important than the actual superhero themselves. its why every solo ever has the superhero having a thousand civvie friends, or, often in the case of older characters, a civvie spouse. so in hh, ed is waltzing not only into the position of lightning rod in a literal, in-universe way, thus dragging him into this insane subculture, hes also slotting himself into the metatext of this decades (decades) old trope. and MY intention for leaning into this, is the sheer possibility for subversion. i have 2 rules for ed as a love interest, ones that if I ever break, hh will be an actual failure of a project:

ed will always have a life, thoughts, and wants that exist outside of his position as love interest

ed can never, ever, ever become a superhero

the reason for the first one is obvious-- its a common pitfall of "love interests" as a literary device, particularly outside of romance as a genre. a character being presented as more of a prize than a person, something for the hero to attain and then own. its just not an accurate portrayal of how a relationship works, and i really intensely dislike it. also I like ed and i want to explore him and his psyche, its fun and enjoyable. but whats actually more important than either of those is that this is VITAL to portray him as grounded in reality. "love interests" who are a prize to be won dont feel real; they're larger than life, in the same way that mythological heroes themselves are. nobody is actually like that, and consequently theres very little room for empathy with that character. and that is NOT what the Speedster's Wife does. ed needs to be normal, but more than normal, he needs to be real. he needs to feel, as much as i can possibly make him, like a real college student.

bart exists as this larger than life figure-- literally. i liken him, frequently, to thespianism. not only about his powers, but literally, the base of his personality that I explore in hh. he wears masks and personas to divert and deceive and confuse. ed, as the closest thing it has to a second protagonist, needs to be honest and upfront and blunt. ed's scenes take place in mundanity: at work, at school, driving, doing chores, hanging out with friends, at parties. bart's scenes take place in fantasy: sci-fi superhero bases, on violent missions, in space, outside of reality. ed is the point of reference. hes the axis of familiarity. his presence makes the characters around him feel more real, too. his flaws play of their flaws and his strengths play off theirs.

ed can never become a superhero because it would completely uproot this. it would completely muddy my carefully laid arc about a kid thrown into a peer counselor/management position to a bunch of traumatized teens barely younger than him. yj as a show likes for its characters to be a million things-- saving the world as superheroes and as civilians. but i think theres a quiet strength in the civilian characters in worlds like the dcu; what does normal life look like in a world where aliens invade like every 2 weeks, sometimes the multiverse breaks and almost ends the world, and people with unimaginable power want to use that power to enact grand, public violence? how does that work? ultimately, the jla, and the team (and the titans and the outsiders and the suicide squad and young justice) are all just a very, very intense, very, very vocal minority in a world thats otherwise populated by people just like our own.

civilian characters have always been one of my absolute favorite parts of superhero comics. i think the intersections between the mundane and fantastical (can be) really encapsulated by a relationship between a superhero and a civilian, and especially when that civilian is given the room to have their own life that they explore on their own terms, and how the wild nature of the world they live in interacts with their attempts to pursue their own dreams and life. the civilian is important because without them, superheroes dont exist. its the backdrop to every comic book ever.

Anyway. I wrote all of this because i think it would be really good for hummingbird heartbeat's sequel to open with a scene where ed, having been bullied into getting a drivers license by his father, drives his dads car into a supervillain that bart's losing a fight to, mid-monologue

[lemonlovemeanslove]

while im on the topic, i wonder how much i personally have contributed to this problem, bc when it comes to making friends irl, where i can see what the person looks like before i get to know them, i have always hanged out and made friends with pretty people, with people that i find attractive. not bc im attracted to them per say, its more of an unconscious thing. and yes my idea of beauty goes beyond what social media said bc ive been friends with plenty of fat people, but thats bc i dont see fat as not attractive, not in other people , with me its more difficult bc ive been bullied by my mother about my weight since age 14 so im kinda sick when it comes to this topic in general, but that doesn't change the fact that the girls who i would consider to be amongst the best looking out of all girls ive been friends with was also the biggest, in both height and weight. But it feels like an excuse, bc if i don't find fatness to be a deterrer from beauty, doesn't that make me just as shallow?

i also realize that i actually dont have the greatest authority on this topic, being conventionally attractive, which my sister (who is STUNNING btw) reminded me of when we were talking about how looks really aren’t that important, when really, they are, its just that we have always benefited from that fact, and never really been victims of it (expect from our mother who HATES and i mean HATES our bodies, like my sister has never in her life been overweight, even by the bullshit medical definition, and yet she’s been called everything under the sun by our mom lmao)

I just think that i might actually not be that objective when it comes to this stuff. Like me not wearing makeup has NEVER been a on im going against society thing, or I actively dont want to participate in this aspect of the beauty change. I thought of it was boring and the idea of wearing something on my face is a sensory nightmare for me. i feel like im being suffocated when i wear makeup or nail polish, like i can feel it on me, which made me anxious. But if I hadn’t come from a family of good looking people with great skin, if i at any point in my life had struggled with acne, or anything similar, would I have submitted? despite how unpleasant wearing makeup is for me from a sensory point of view? bc im most certainly fucked up about weight and food and eating, and how falling into phases of disordered eating plenty of times in my life. idk if any of it would count as an eating disorder, i dont know what ''counts'' or what doesn’t (sorries if this is a very triggering way of speaking about this stuff just trying to be honest). But if i didnt know that my face was ''good'' lol, would my mess around body image be worse of? if i could rely on my face? bc its always been a comfort for me, being pretty. like im not a model which is fine bc i dont want to be, i don’t really want to look different face wise, I do really like my face. I would never rate my fave tho bc i think its sick to rate yourself the sick sick behaviour like never ever do it if people ask u to do it tell them no im not doing that weirdo. but like, when ive been upset of felt like a failure and i walk past a mirror i can stop and go well at least i have that god i love being pretty. i don’t really think that makes me a bad person, just that it's probs bad FOR me. to centre my looks less, which i dont do a lot compared to most girl my age (which isnt really saying anything given how fucked up everyone is nowadays) is probably in my best interest. But it's HARD. bc i really enjoy being pretty. i enjoy finding myself pretty I enjoy others finding me pretty. like this whole thing started bc i was introduced to a stranger and the first thing she said to me was wow ur really beautiful, like she looks great, and my friend said yes im always telling her that. and it make me feel GREAT. maybe better than i should. def more that we should, as humans.

At the same time, i worry about not being good looking enough for my family, like my parents are good looking, essentially my mom, who is gorge, and all my siblings are good looking, and i get this worry sometimes, like, what if im the least good looking of my siblings (i think this bc im the biggest out of all of them) which is crazy bc were siblings so we all look alike and several people have asked if me and my older sister are twins when they first meet us and she is pretty much my idea of beautiful but idk. Im fucked up both ways, i guess. I was never never ever self-conscious about my weight until my mother, so now im sick in that regard, but im also sick in the way i use my looks as a crutch. I need to work on both, admitting it to myself is probs a good first step or whatever. rant over i think