#doesnt make love a transaction

[bananaheathen]

So much discourse is discoursing right now, but as I scroll this morning, I find myself thinking again and again about what we owe each other.

Probably someone wiser than me has said all of this better than I have. But if you’d like to join me for a little morning ramble about what we owe each other (and love and art under capitalism??), come on in 💛

I think capitalism has made us believe, on some level (on every level??) that money is the highest and best thing we can ever give anyone. And that if we give someone our money, they owe us. Which, in a transactional sense, they do.

If I go into a store and give the cashier my money, they owe me the goods I paid for. It's worth noting that what I do with those goods when I leave — how much time and energy I give them, how much I think about them or enjoy them, how many memories become associated with those goods, or the stories I tell myself about those goods — are not something I paid for. Those things aren’t at the whim of the little guy I paid for the goods, or even the store that employs the guy I paid. You could argue that how much I enjoy the goods is determined by whoever is in charge of manufacturing/growing/creating the goods. But even then, it was my choice to buy THOSE goods, and not someone else’s. I gave money, I got the thing, and now we’re even. 

Now, late-stage capitalism has also made us believe that we DO have something else to give. And while it isn’t more valuable than money, it can be turned into money, making it sometimes as valuable. And that thing is: our attention.

If we’re paying a lot of attention to something, it can be used to advertise to us. It can be used to get us to pay for something else. To buy more goods. To spend our money for more time with the thing we can’t stop paying attention to. 

And when we’re paying a lot of attention to something, it feels personal. For example, I spent a solid two years of my life writing a more than 600,000 word fic about One Direction. I was (and still am) paying A LOT of attention to them. They got so much of my dedicated time and energy and attention during that time, that it would make sense for me to feel, in the society that we’re in, that they now owe me something. Because on top of all the attention I’ve paid, I’ve also spent money! I’ve streamed music! I’ve bought albums! I’ve bought vinyl! And merch! And film tickets! And concert tickets! I’ve traveled to see shows and that means I’ve spent even more money! And did I mention all that attention I paid???

And this is where we run into trouble. Because actually, those boys don’t owe me anything. I gave them my money, yes. And, like the store example earlier, I got my goods. They gave me singles, and albums, and vinyls, and merch, and concerts. They also gave up most of their privacy and a fair chunk of their childhoods giving me content. And I didn’t pay for that content in money, but I did pay for it in my attention. And I would argue, on that score, we’re actually pretty even. What they gave up to get me to look at them, and what they’re still giving up to keep my attention, is a lot. It’s more than I can comprehend as someone who is not famous. And yes, they have fame! And money!!! Which as you may remember, according to capitalism, is the ultimate thing!!!!! But they’ve lost a lot to get it. And they’ve lost a lot to keep it. We don’t know, and shouldn’t ever have the privilege of finding out, just how much they’ve lost. But even just looking at it superficially, it’s obvious it’s a lot: The right to grow up and experiment with identity outside the public eye. The right to grieve in private. The right to have a private sex life. The right to have your personal physical boundaries respected. And so on. 

And sure, I’ve lost things too. Certainly time and energy and sleep and occasionally my mind. But I do have a certain advantage: I could always stop paying attention. I could always stop giving them my money. They can’t stop chasing my money and attention because that’s part of their job. But it isn’t mine. I have the choice to walk at any minute. And what I have to remember is that if I choose to stay, it’s not because they still owe me something. 

It’s because of all the things that I’ve gotten for my money and attention that have nothing to do with the transactional side of it. The friends I’ve made, the art I’ve discovered, the self-discovery that art has inspired, the feelings and the memories and the connection to community. The love I've found.

(For me, those are the secret things no one tells you are worth quite a lot more than money.)

And the difficult truth is, whether I agree with the choices they make or not, they don’t owe me different ones. I can feel upset if it seems like they aren’t the people I thought they were, in the same way anyone can upset me in this way. But my choice to keep them in my life or not, is on me. If they’re not a person I can hang with anymore, then they aren’t. And that can be painful and sad, and I’m allowed to feel my feelings about it. But it will never be that they owed me something else, or something more. 

And this is, I guess, the point I’m coming to:

Love is not a transaction. We don’t love people so that they will love us back. We love people despite ourselves. Despite the desire to get something in return. Sometimes we love people who love us well, and sometimes we love people who are shit at loving us. Sometimes we love people who make us the center of their world, and sometimes we love people who might never know we exist. Love isn’t a currency. Your love isn’t worth a certain amount in exchange. It’s so much bigger and broader and better than that. It’s so much more powerful than money, but it also doesn’t work like money. Not in interpersonal dynamics, and certainly not in parasocial ones. 

This is one of the more impossibly tricky things about loving anything or anyone. The only thing love means for sure is that you care. That you’ve allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to put your heart into something. There’s no other guarantee. There’s no speaking to the manager if you don’t get what you wanted from it. (Believe me, I have tried.) 

It can feel, when we give our money, and our attention, and most of all our love to someone, that they owe us everything in return. That they should try to protect us, and love us back, and give us content, and give us goods, and make all the right and best choices all the time. And those should be the ones that we personally agree with, because those are the ones that are RIGHT. (And I know, I’ve made this last part sound childish, but anyone who has loved someone really intensely knows, it feels a little childish sometimes. That young feeling of wanting to be cared for, and taken care of, and surprised and delighted, and appeased.) 

But at some point, we learn that love isn’t a transaction. It doesn’t guarantee us returns. And the way a person loves us, when we’re a nameless, faceless part of a group that has given them a living, isn’t going to be the same as the way someone in our lives who knows us might love us. And the way we love them isn’t the same as the way we love the people we actually know. We’ve gotten our money’s worth. And the content keeps coming in exchange for our attention, whether we like what we get for our attention or not.

And the love — the love that makes it hurt so much when the content we get isn’t what we wanted, when the person does things we don’t understand and we feel like they don’t love us like we love them, the love that makes us believe we were owed something more because our hearts are in this — the love is ours to make of what we will. To write stories with, or make fanart about, and build memories around. To make friendships and families and love stories out of. It’s ours to reblog and retweet and repost and gif. It’s ours to spread and share and extend to as many people as we can. It’s ours to learn from, and grow from, and grow up with. No, the love isn’t transactional, but that doesn’t have to mean it’s wasted. 

I love you.

[fawningoveradream]

yall dont know how much my dumb kobold dnd oc has a choke-hold on me. Fortuna Duval i love you, i hate u, i wanna be you so bad.

[mcybree]

Ok ok ok I'm not Tryna start discourse but bluestars prophecy was my first ever warriors book and bluestar will always be my favourite so I'm gonna make some counterpoints to you about her being a Smajor character

bluestar has always been led by an intense loyalty and dedication to those she loves and cares for - this includes her mum, her sister, her clan, eventually Firepaw when he joins the clan, and she has a VERY strong moral compass when it comes to doing the right thing - when she sees thistleclaw teaching tigerpaw to hurt a then baby scourge she very much discourages it and is against it

Afaik scott is Not like that, he doesn't have an emotional or love-driven moral code, he does things because they're smart decisions in the long term or because he wants to. Granted I havent seen a ton of his stuff but I have seen his limited life and 3rd life perspectives and he is very much a singular team player there, there to look after himself and well if people align with him that's great he's got allies (jimmy and Martyn) but he won't go out of his way to care for them

Bluestars defiance of starclan in the first series is BECAUSE she gave herself to them and what the warrior code demanded so much - yes she broke clan rules by having kids with crookedstar but she did everything in her power to make sure they'd have a happy life and felt terrible that thrushpelt was willing to say they were his to save her reputation. She didn't do it out of a selfish want, she only ever wanted to help her clan and those she loved, and her becoming clan leader is emblematic of that want. When she rejects starclan so wholeheartedly in the first series it's because THINGS KEEP GOING WRONG WHEN SHES TRIED SO HARD TO STOP THEM FROM DOING THAT - starclan has never cared about the sacrifices she made to keep her loved ones and clan safe, she lost her mother, her sister, her kits, her mate, literally everything, and things STILL KEEP GETTING WORSE. it's not a demand that she deserves to have everything good, it's a cry for help that shouldn't something go right after she's tried so hard???

C!Scott isn't like that. He puts himself above others and inherently believes he will get the best if he just plays his cards right, and he is good at it, he's very competent at lasting a long time in life series and getting what he wants - the ruthlessness of gem driven by desperation kills him in secret life, Martyn's complete fucking about face kills him in limited life, and I'm pretty sure it's etho who gets him out in 3rd life by luck. He doesn't plan to look after the ones he cares about, because he cares about himself first and foremost. Yeah you can argue when he doesn't get what he wants he gets annoyed, but his is less of a 'why don't I get this don't I deserve it' and more of a 'oh fuck this didn't work. Ok new plan double down on getting what I want by appeasing to people cos they're easy to read and therefore account for'

I don't doubt Scott would make a bluestar adjacent character if he made a warrior cats oc BUT his character would honestly be closer to darktail or ashfur than bluestar and that's that on that.

(sorry you activated 13 year old me's unskippable cutscene sjdjsjsjja this isnt meant to be a serious argument I just love bluestar a lot and love talking about her)

OKAY 1. this is fucking awesome thank you 2. i am going to do something new and exciting (advocate for scott instead of beating him to death with sticks) because unfortunately this bluestar info has only made me believe she is a smajor character even more.

As a general note when I talk about smajor characters as a collective here I’m referring to characters more in the realm of esmp/traffic/rats/pirates/etc, less vampire scott or necromancer scott who are intended to be villainous.

Scott characters tend to operate under a “If I am not a Good Person I may as well die” rule, and consequently abide by a strict moral code to keep themselves feeling clean. For instance: traffic Scott will never go back on his word, he will avoid dishonesty, and he won’t take from others unless he is sure that he can repay them. He will never betray his seasonal primary ally (even when they betray him first), and will often give people things just because they asked him nicely. He stakes a lot of his own identity on this, because it is through being a “good person” that he justifies his superiority (and, by extension, his own existence); in his mind he deserves the best and *is* the best because he is such a good person. When things don’t go his way, he thinks he doesn’t deserve it because he has been nothing but good, so he tries to place a reason. He often assumes that somebody must “have a vendetta” against him, even if this somebody is the world (see: him asking if limlife episode 1 boogeyman is some kind of joke played on him for not giving in to the boogey curse in Last Life.) which is very Bluestar to me, convinced that her misfortunes are a divine punishment.

This is all to say that Scott does have a strict moral code and deep sense of loyalty. Being a “good person” and devoted partner in the ways he understands it are so ingrained into what he is that I think he definitely has the capacity to be a Bluestar if he were raised being taught clan values, even if his internal systems are often built around never letting gross emotions be fully felt rather than what those emotions compel him to do.

[lafiametta]

hey this isn't so much of a prompt more of a word vomit, I can't stop thinking about Igor in the final car scene.

Like even before she climbs onto his lap, his face is just so wide eyed and vulnerable and when she initiates sex he's almost bewildered and he's just so focused on her and you can tell it's about being WITH her and not just having her body like it was with Vanya.

Like even when he tries to kiss her, i know some people are like 'its so clear she doesnt want it and he's forcing it' but i dont think it's that simple. Like you pointed out, he moves very slowly when he first tries to kiss her and I noticed when she pulls back his reaction seems to be Confusion (also when having sex your brain isnt in the same rational place as it is when you're an audience watching a movie, what's SO CLEAR to us isn't always clear to the characters)

I dunno, Id love your thoughts or even a Igor POV of that scene I'd love if you wanted x

Weirdly enough, Anon, I had someone send an ask on almost this exact same question about five minutes after you did, so I’m just going to answer you both here! (Update: it was you, twice! Thanks for letting me know!)

At some point I’ll probably end up giving the fic treatment to the car scene from Igor’s POV, but for now, I’m more than happy to just offer my humble analysis of what I think is going on.

And it’s even more heartbreaking than I originally thought.

(This got long, so I put it all under a cut.)

From the moment Ani takes off her jacket, you can just see this mixture of confusion and surprise wash over him. He dropped off her bags on the porch; he clearly thinks she’s going to be getting out of the car shortly. But as she takes off her jacket and turns directly to face him, the seductive expression she makes for men at the club now firmly in place (which is the first time in the scene she’s smiling — or close to it), he’s realizing that she plans to stay in the car for a while longer. Once she climbs in his lap, it begins to click (“Oh, she wants to make out in the car”) and he’s obviously okay with that, based on the way that he tries to move his mouth closer to hers right before and just as she releases the seat lever. By that point, it’s clear he has feelings for her and while going straight to making out may seem like a bit of a jump, there’s the hope that maybe this means she has feelings for him too. And right after his seat falls back, he gives her this disbelieving little grin, and it’s like, oh no, Igor, this is not going to be the sexy little make-out session you’re envisioning right now.

(What makes it so much worse is that she has no intention of kissing him or offering any sort of display of feelings; he’s not even going to get any kind of foreplay besides a preparatory handjob before she gets right to what she sees as the primary transactional act.)

It’s when she starts hiking up her skirt that you can see him getting confused again (even more so when she moves his hands to her ass) and then, when she goes for his waistband, you can see him shift into complete disbelief (and not in the “I can’t believe this is happening” way, but in the “what the hell is happening” way).

I imagine that some part of him wanted to know what was happening enough to stop her, but he’s a man, and a girl he likes is suddenly stroking his dick, and that’s not really a place for rational thought, you know? (Watch his hands as she’s stroking him; he can’t help himself from instinctually squeezing her ass.) He definitely understands that if he says anything or makes some kind of “hey, hold on there” protest, she might stop touching him, and he doesn’t want that to happen.

So mostly it’s a mixture of shock and pleasure as she strokes him, with him closing his eyes and burying his face in her chest as he gives in to the sensation of it. He must know something’s off, but he just doesn’t want it to stop.

Even with all that, he’s still not prepared when she pauses to get her fingers wet and then reaches back down to maneuver him inside her. Whatever he had thought might happen between them at this point, this wasn’t even in the realm of possibility. (The night before she had accused him of wanting to rape her! And now they’re having sex!)

All he can do is just stare at her, wide-eyed, or else close his eyes and just feel what she’s doing to him.

When she finally gets him positioned, she leans back (to create a little more physical — and presumably emotional — distance between them, I imagine), but he continues to look up at her, as if he can’t look away, as if the intimacy of what he thinks they’re sharing can only be expressed through this kind of intense, continual eye contact. And maybe it’s there that he starts to convince himself, despite how fucking weird and off the rails this all is, that because she’s doing this with him, it must mean something, and he must mean something to her. He wants it to be real so badly and you see that hope just shining out of him the whole time she’s moving on top of him. (In an interview I read, Yura Borisov talked about how he saw Igor as a lonely person, and I think it makes sense that Igor would be more invested — or even desperate — to hold onto a connection with Ani.)

As she quickens the pace, she throws her head up and looks away, breaking the connection. That’s when he reaches up to her face, holding it in place and bringing her eyes back to his. He wants her to look at him, to see him, to acknowledge what (he thinks) is happening between them.

And if maybe if it’s real, if the connection they’re making with their bodies is an indication of an actual connection, then he can kiss her. It’s clear he wants to kiss her — he’s been trying to since she climbed into his lap. He arches up super slowly, but clearly intent on moving his mouth closer to hers. I don’t think he’s fully registered that she’s stopped moving on top of him, or that she makes these tiny jerking motions to get out of his grasp. As you said, it’s clear to us as the audience that she’s trying to resist, but to Igor, so caught up in the pleasure of her body and — perhaps even more powerfully — the sheer desire to make this encounter into something deeper and more real, it’s not something he has the capacity to notice.

And then she squeals and pulls away and starts hitting him, and at that point the spell (such as it was for Igor) is broken. He’s completely confused at first, then focused on trying to get control of her limbs so she’ll stop attacking him. This is the girl he remembers from their first meeting, the out of control one who screamed and landed those impressive blows to his face. But like that first meeting, he doesn’t fight back, instead simply restraining her so she doesn’t do any more damage.

For a moment, they just look at each other, barely breathing, and I think it’s here that with everything stripped away, he really does see her. He’s been watching and observing her for the past two days, but now he can see how much of a front she had really been putting on, how much her confrontational bluster and attitude had been hiding. Because underneath all of that, she’s a hurt and heartbroken girl, the pain of what she’s feeling written all over her face. The life she had imagined has been ripped away from her, and the man she married and thought she loved ultimately rejected her. And Igor, even though he must have been disappointed to realize that she didn’t climb into his lap and have sex with him because she had feelings for him, clearly gets that what she’s going through at that moment matters more. She needs someone to be there for her, to accept her and acknowledge her pain.

So he pulls her into his arms — and kisses the top of her head, just fuck me up why don’t you? — and lets her feel everything she’s been keeping in. She’s just sobbing her heart out in these spasms of despair, and in the emotional gut punch of it all we don’t even notice that he’s close to crying too. As he holds her, his eyes are wet and he keeps blinking, as if to keep his own tears at bay. (I didn’t even realize this was happening until I rewatched the scene to answer this ask; it’s subtle and absolutely phenomenal acting by Yura Borisov.)

So heartbreaking. So good. I hope the Oscar voters are taking notes.

[peanutheaddd]

Hi! For swap au, since dm used to act as Knights body guard and because he’s afraid of losing Petey/Lil Petey would he put himself in danger/the line of fire to protect them? How would Petey feel if dm got hurt protecting him?

holy fuck the asks ive been getting about my aus have been so good recently what the hell. thanku anon .

for ur first quesiton Absolutely . hes always had a bit fo a self sacrificial nature when it comes to loved ones . its like for him his purpose his reason for even being alive is to protect his loved ones .

and i think for peteys reaction it depends heavily on context

slightly unrelated but for starters if dm gets hurt protecting lp in any capacity then it makes total sense to petey . like ofc he would do that . even if hes protecting both petey and lp, if lp is there then petey will think of it as being for lps sake only . anyways hes not like Happy about it or anything obvs but its more like a yes thats within his character. so he doesnt rlly think about it much . js patches him up probs . tells him to be more careful. tells him yes obviously he wants lp to be safe but he also wants dm to be safe .

swap dm is def fight over flight and he stays put and fights even when it would serve him way better to just run . much to peteys dismay LMFAOOOOO theres probs numerous instances of petey grabbing him and running if theyre ever caught up in a physical altercation .

but if dm gets injured protecting Just petey then his reaction depends on the stage of their relationship .

i think if this is during their era of not being explicitly amicable then petey would just get. confused?? like woah woah woah why did he do that . he doesntj care abt me That much (bro does not realize dm would actually literlaly die for him . tbf i think dm also doesnt realize he would die for him 😭😭😭) and then when hes patching him up hes like why did u do that and dms like i dunno and peteys like bro LMFAOOOOO

if this is further along in their relationship then peteys Aware of how far dms willing to go to protect him and that kinda just makes him anxious . he also doesnt think its worth it for dm to get hurt to protect him of all people . like in dm protecting him theres an implicit trade off of dms safety for peteys safety which petey thinks is a bad deal LMFAO . and ig he would just try to tell dm to knock it off to which dm is like over my dead body. LMFAOOOOOOO its just one relationship two self sacrificial idiots 😭😭😭😭

ultimately if dm ever got hurt protecting Him he would feel So so so bad about it . again his safety isnt as important as dms safety. theres like a hierarchy of general importance in his mind and dms way above him . he would just sorta stick around him and help him with recovery but be kinda overbearing like an anxious mom 😭😭😭😭 hes essentially trying to compensate for having to be protected by being s good nurse 😬😬

in a way he thinks of every interaction as a transaction of value i guess ? if dm gets hurt while protecting him then in his mind he thinks his value went down bc he was a burden . so he would try to make up for that value loss afterwards . Yeah this guy is mentally ill

idk if allat makes sense but ultimately thats it LOL just guilt and whatnot

[hiatus-xix]

hmmm what are some fanfic tropes the sdmn fandom should write more...

jumberjack!w2s x reader >based on sdmn camping vid >idk just hard fluff/smut of jacked af lumberjack harry surely

kitchen porter!ChrisMD x waitress!reader >based on sdmn open restaurant vid >chris that gets bossed about by the kitchen but reader thinks is cute >shy ahh Chris that also gets teased by the chefs (harry + Simon + ethan + others) for so obviously liking you >i reckon a fic of just straight flirty interactions + chris being teased by the boys for it would be fire >like, imagine one encounter being waitress being stressed over orders n venting that out to Chris while he's piling up the plates that she has to go deliver + once she's returned having delivered all the food, Chris also gives her a drink or little smth just as a pick-me-up / sweet gesture... reader overwhelmed with graciousness so you lean over the bar to give him a peck on the cheek before being called over by manager >chris returns to the kitchen bright red + JJ (having seen the encounter) teases Chris by describing it all to the other workers (Ethan + Harry + Josh etc.) n they all pat him on the back and laugh at how chivalrous (and bright red) he is

mechanic!willne x reader >oops white mustang ref >based on Will's peru vid

obsessive!ArthurTv x popular!reader >idk where i got this one from tbh - maybe kinda inspired by YOU (the show, not you) >but like, INSANELY obsessed with reader - loves everything about you to the point it gets stalkerish >probs a smut ending - reader confronts arthur about it... maybe says they can have a one time thing just to get it out of his system

athlete!G Clarkey x nerdy!reader >it just works doesnt it >based off of literally everything about him >deeffo a smut, unless we want j a really flirty fic which idm either >but like, deffo themes of size kink, G Clarkey muscle worship, shy reader

Arthur Hill x tattoo artist!reader >idk smth about riding him on the table you're meant to be tattooing him on or smth hey idk

Business!Calfreezy x employee!reader >yk how cal is sorta a business guy in terms of the whole fellas-running-podcasts things? >okay so now imagine he has a thing for you n you can sense that... >so whenever you want smth from him - be it a specialist producer, or a new set of microphones, or a set upgrade... >you gotta walk into freezy's office n he makes you earn it >can either be a single one like that, or a pace change-up where reader/freezy tells the other that they don't want each other just for transactional purposes n then the smut ensues 🎁

WillNE x Freezy!sister >OKAY based from the last idea asw >freezy's sister who's just outta uni + Cal's given her a part time to basically be a runner + assistant for him n everyone in the fellas building >will who notices a cute girl in the building's kitchen every so often + sparks up convo w her from time to time n really likes her vibe >just when he's gonna ask her whether she wants to come back to his office to continue one of their convos, after a few weeks of having seen her - cal steps in n tells her to piss off or smth >will reprimands him for not being very nice + cal validates it w "eh, she's my sister before being my worker - i get to be mean to her" >n then in full launch: hidden dating n relationship trope.

[girlsounnerving]

Shauna and Melissa on my mind here’s my quick take (or theory i suppose) now that we’re about to see lots more of Melissa

As much as im delighted and surprised by the end of S3E2, I do not think there is going to be much romance between the two considering how mentally unstable and vicious Shauna is, and how I think the power dynamic is going to play out between Shauna and Melissa. They both have something to gain from being ‘together’, and while i think Melissa probably does actually like Shauna (just look at her she’s a dyke), it’s still very transactional because they are insane teenage girls in the wilderness.

What does Melissa have to gain? Melissa was previously unnoticed. Not present in s1 and barely heard from in s2, Melissa was a JV player and not at all close with the Varsity soccer team, which consists of the ‘main girls’ so to speak.

“The group dynamic changes, because girls who were formerly keeping to themselves are making their presence more known” — Jasmin Savoy Brown (‘Inside Yellowjackets Season 3’)

In the new dynamic established in spring where we see more of the JV girls being treated as teammates rather than side characters, there comes an opportunity for a new power struggle. In this, Shauna is not trifled with despite her lack of respect for Nat’s authority which everyone else seems to follow, making Shauna valuable to stand alongside for Melissa, who may not align herself to Nat or Lottie’s beliefs, as Melissa was one of the last to start following Lottie’s influence (around s2 ep 6 or 7 I think, in the wake of Shauna’s stillborn baby- I could be wrong though).

When Melissa says “Do you feel that right now? That’s fucking power” in ‘Inside Yellowjackets Season 3’, I believe that’s Melissa egging on Shauna’s influence and behaviour. Melissa will be an enabler, someone in Shauna’s corner who campaigns for her and also uses it as an excuse to rise with her into the ranks of leadership that Nat, Tai (and Van), and Lottie (though Lottie doesnt seem to be actively pursing it, she did pawn off her control to Nat) seem to have broken or are in the process of getting into.

What’s in it for Shauna? Not only is Shauna extremely emotionally unstable after the death of her best friend and baby, Sophie Nélisse also said about Shauna in a Deadline interview,

“[…] I think Shauna is so in shame of what she’s done. I think she has no love for herself and no empathy for herself. And so, you can’t love other people until you love yourself, and so I don’t think she’ll be able to give Melissa what she wants in return. And I think, on the contrary, she’ll just see her as another pawn on her chessboard to play with.”

Going off the fact that presumably Shauna is going to try to break into a role of more power and influence, either because Melissa is advocating for her or because she finally feels she has the means to do so, this ‘relationship’ will probably have little to do with romance for Shauna, and more about manipulating people and gaining numbers. What might be a ruthless rise to power and disposal of those who love her comes from the fact that Shauna has nothing to lose, and hates herself too much to let anyone actually love her in any way that matters, much less love someone in return, as Sophie Nélisse highlighted in the interview.

Also, somehow, this will be tied to Jackie. I have literally no proof but just look at Shauna. She’s sucking the soul out of another blonde. Anyway that’s all from me this is like half a thought that I managed to get down but its heavy on my mind this show is so good ugh

[crushedsweets]

I was going through the art you’ve posted on TikTok and a comment piqued my interest…so is slender ‘abusive’ this may be a stupid question sorry LMAO

not stupid at all! also im embarrassed i forget people can go through my old stuff LOL

for clarity, the Operator and Slenderman were once a single entity that tore into two different monsters. The Operator wants to escape the forest and finds 'vessels', but Slenderman wants to go back into hibernation in the forest, so he sorta...robs those vessels from the Operator, thus making them his proxies. O/S Syndrome means Operator/Slenderman Syndrome, aka slender sickness.

anyway, as much as i LOVE a fatherly/affectionate/stern/cool/nice slendy, slenderman in my AU mistreats the proxies a LOT. especially Kate.

there is almost no emotional relationship between the proxies and slenderman. it's entirely transactional, where slendy makes them do his bidding, and if they dont agree, he hurts them. this includes all the headaches, nausea, typical slendy-sickness-symptoms.

most of their 'proxy work' is initiated BY hurting them. for example, if he wants kate to go check the perimeters of the forest, he gives her a migraine. if she cant figure out what he wants, he starts giving her hallucinations that lead her towards the perimeter of the forest, and then lessens the headache if she figures out what he wants. if she STILL isn't listening, then he eventually triggers "the chaser" who is much more likely to listen to him because the chaser was born out of the operator, therefore making slendy much more in-tune with it

masky, hoody, and the chaser are all personas that were born out of the operator possessing them. while the operator now has no control over them, slenderman still can (loosely) use that shattered mindset for his own goals cuz he once shared a body w the operator! toby doesnt really have a 'proxy persona', he just...listens.... cuz of other factors. he does behave differently when under O/S syndrome, like more aggression, but it isnt a whole different person

HOWEVER, while he still mistreats them, he isn't huge on controlling everything they do. he doesnt really make 'rules' for them, so he's okay with them working other jobs, having friends/relationships, fighting, etc. as long as they listen when he wants something and dont stray too far for too long, but even in some cases, he'll make exceptions because he knows theyll come back (i.e toby leaving to visit colorado and coming back cuz unwavering loyalty, tim/brian escape but coming back because their O/S syndrome got so bad, kate leaving but coming back cuz she has NOTHING to go back to, etc)

i hope this all made sense! things get kinda tricky to explain when it comes to the operator and slenderman in my AU cuz i made it confusing(my own fault) so feel free to ask for clarifications!

[the-s1lly-corner]

How would Emily, Velvet, and Charlie react to their barely awake partner kissing them on the forehead and just fall asleep then and there?

Emily, Velvette, and Charlie getting sleepy forehead kisses from their partner

tweaking out, im only on my second post today and my hand is already cramping up hisshiss hiss i gotta lock in usually i dont start cramping until my 5th post notes: reader is gn, short post CWs: none

EMILY

very similar to charlie, shes into a lot of the cheesier cliché romantic stuff, and keeping up with similarities shes going to be laying in bed next to you happily turning over the interaction in her head

has a harder time keeping still afterwards, but she manages to not wake you up... she'd feel just awful if you she did end up waking you up! may cuddle up into you during the night until she falls asleep

will do something in return, whether it be waking you up with kisses or doing something else during the day... she doesnt view it as a transactional thing where she needs to give something in return... she just wants to return the energy!

intended to keep it to herself but she may blurt out what you did out of excitement while talking to you, she didnt mean to gush it just happened!

VELVETTE

shes not all that into affection, much less surprise bursts of it

its not that she doesnt love you or doesnt like doing affection, she just likes knowing when its going to happen, you know?

the only thing saving you from a look is that youre instantly crashing down into the bed.... shes going to let this slide just this once

this is making it sound like shes genuinely mad at you, though, shes not and shes not going to doing anything in retaliation or return for the surprise display

at most she may bring it up casually and tease you for it, lightheartedly with little intent to make you feel ashamed... though does it count as revenge if she enjoys the flushed look on your face when its brought up?

CHARLIE

shes going to want to smother you in kisses back or jump up in joy, ive mentioned before that she loves this sort of thing-

but youre so obviously tired and falling asleep

and she doesnt want to deprive you of sleep when you so obviously need it... so shes going to be sitting quietly thinking about it for a while until she herself falls asleep

not without giving you a kiss as well, even though youre more than knocked out by then

she makes a mental note to "get back at you" by waking you up with kisses in the morning

she gives off theatre kid vibes, shes going to love cheesy cute stuff like this... very easy way to get her in a good mood!

[reason-with-the-underdog]

i love an oblivious kaveh but imo its not that he's unaware

its that he doesnt want to think about it bc acknowledging his own feelings & alhaitham's feelings is like opening pandora's box, aka a WHOLE mess of feelings that he doesnt have time/capacity to handle and so he won't

he's already prone to overwork & focusing on his projects to make sure they're up to his exacting standard

its very easy to just let things slide (ie self-care or figuring out what exactly is his & alhaitham's relationship...lets just call it the universe playing tricks on them)

it looks like he's being oblivious...

but actually he's just being avoidant

which is different than being in denial! imo he'll deny as a smokescreen, but deep down he's got more than an inkling... its just how do you reckon with the idea that you might be loved in spite of yourself

he's so used to thinking of every relationship as transactional, that he has to provide value for other people to want to stick around (ie him talking about needing to repay tighnari back for hosting him for dinner, him feeling personally responsible for his mother's feelings)...

he doesnt even show alhaitham the best side of him! he's not as polite or as polished around alhaitham as he is to the rest of the world, who all see the sparkling veneer that is the Light of Kshahrewar (kaveh works very hard to maintain that guise btw)

& alhaitham STILL is here

how absolutely frightening. how bizarre. this doesn't fit within kaveh's worldview AT all! what a paradigm shift it is to realise that you may indeed be loved without needing to be perfect or giving something of value first

unconditional love is a shocking & unexpected surprise

can kaveh reconcile these feelings?? does he have the energy/time/capacity to?? does he want to risk ruining something that's honestly.... not as bad as one might think, them living together?

but rest assured... kaveh isn't one to be content with the status quo for long

[merxcurias]

hai guys sorry i died. i was on my main blog brainrotting over magi but ANYWAYS FIRST FAIRYTAIL RANT IN AGES CAN I GET A HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!

okay lock in hmhm clears throat

yeah so this morning i was thinking about gruvia and juvia specifically and i'm assuming anyone thats ever looked at my blog knows that i like juvia (not her whole descent into becoming just a gray fangirl but the shreds of character that shine through every once in a while) but i really dont care for gruvia. and i was thinking about how much wasted potential that ship is to me like.

when juvi is introduced, we see that this girl struggles a lot with her past and how other people treated her, and she's clearly extremely lonely. but i feel like on top of that, it's hinted that she also has extremely low self esteem. when she meets gray and she falls for him, it reads as very comphet to me, but not in like "oh mashima wants to force romance" (which YES, thats probably true) but also it felt like it couldve been a way to explore just how lonely and mentally unwell juvia was to the point that she would latch on to the first guy that gave her a crumb of kindness, and truly believe that she fell IN LOVE. and it also wouldve been interesting if they used her obsession and stalkerish behavior as a way to portray just how desperate she was to cling to gray, who in her mind, literally SAVED her because of his kindness towards her.

like this girl is clearly very much in need of love and attention and her behavior in the first few months of being around gray made SENSE. this girl clearly was very threatened by the thought of lucy BECAUSE of how lonely she was, and in her mind, if gray was willing to fight juvia in order to save lucy, then lucy was potentially going to take away gray from her and she'd have no one again; that's why she sees lucy as competition. she couldn't comprehend caring about multiple people at once because no one has ever shown juvia actual love and care; in her mind, love is not something everyone deserves regardless, its something she has to earn and fight for or else she'll be left with nothing. i wouldve loved if mashima looked beyond using juvia as a comedic relief and actually making something meaningful of her hostility to lucy and her obsession with gray.

LIKE DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW PERFECT OF A CHARACTER ARC HE COULDVE SET UP!??!? juvia's character arc could've been about learning to love herself and accepting that she's not in competition with anyone to get love. learning what its like to be cared about beyond transactional relationships or being one of jose's goons, learning how to befriend people she once saw as competition, and learning to humanize gray and take him off the pedestal she put him on. LIKE OH MY GOD DO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND!!?!!??!

anyways i might add on to this post cuz i feel like im missing some things but yeah! hope someone out there agrees and can expand on this lol :3

i hope the gruvia fandom doesnt hate me for this

[koiifiishy]

back with more eris doodlings :-) ! and more under the cut

i've decided that if he had a title like the named npcs, he'd be Eris The Defiant. also decided that if he were a npc LI with a toggable gender changer, he'd look pretty much the same as a girl just with a few cups up in the chest dept. lol - he's also still be trans, so you either get transmasc or transfemme eris, there is no cis option.

going off of this post for heights! (too lazy to draw an entirely new img - just scribbled over the height comparison models -w-) a full line up + eris amongst the taller LI's (...of whom he's already met / has interacted with in game thus far!). he's just one inch smaller than kylar haha, which im sure kylar would love. avery with eris though is LOL (stares at the other three on that height list......... that height diff... hes getting FOLDED. . .)

this chart is very messy so bear with me & the yellow i used is hard to read so ill type it out too!

Robin

mutual besties. they're basically brothers! except that robin left his confession note for eris and eris is uh.. willfully ignoring it,,, sorry robin he's not gonna take you up on that (yet lol)

img text: "if anything happens to robin (again) i'll kill everyone in this town and then myself"

Sydney

what is it about this unassuming churchboy that calls to eris... he doesnt know,, but sydney makes him happy 🥺!!

unintentionally uuuh reduing sydney's purity by being horny at him. theyre promised ok?! its fine right?!? especially bc of the fucking SLOW BURN they went through omg...

img text: "he makes this shit town bearable. BF" sydnet img text: "really adores and admires him. BF"

Kylar

um. well. your honor, he's just misunderstood..! eris kinda feeds into kylar's IssuesTM by not dissuading him. he just feels kinda sorry for him,,! this opinion Will change if/when kylar finally gets his greasy little paws on eris

he 100% realizes kylar is unhinged and the plushie gift was probs bugged somehow. still accepted it but like... he's hardly home anyway so w/e. still holds onto hope kylar can change(???)

img text: "haha. i'm in danger :^)" kylar's img text: "HAVE MY FUCKING BABIES" lol

Whitney

literally beat the shit out of each other every time they were in close proximity for like a month, until whitney's dominance meter dropped a lot. he confuses eris... does he like. have a crush and is acting like an elementary kid about it??? use your words damnit!

despite it all... doesnt hate him. eris feels like theyre probably a lot more similar than whitney's letting him (or anyone) see. sydney's mention of whitney having things going on to make him act like a little shit stuck with eris. . .

img text: "stop giving mixed messages whitney!"

Avery

the most cut and dry of them: it's just a transactional sugar relationship. except the part about the elk/fox bullshit? hello?? mr avery??? WHAT WAS THAT AVERY--?????

eris really doesnt trust avery,,, but he pays him a LOT & eris has two whole debts to pay off;; avery is only allowed to hit it from the back. . . (thanks temple for not counting that as sex ig lol!)

im iffy on the designs ive drawn for them too, i mostly have been going off of what i see the general fandom draws! theres a lot of really nice designs :> im being mindful not to fully copy anyone tho.

i also went insane and made eris a playlist - it has a lot of metal/loud songs jsyk! remains of us was specifically put on the playlist for sydney 🥹 just recently had my first run in with the ivory wraith too =D AH. TRAUMAS OBTAINED!!! very much eris' top trauma event so far!! he's resilient... so he's on the road to recovery but boy was that RUFF. robin and sydney came in super clutch with comforting him tho :")

one last thing for you all:

eris core lol

[moonsaver]

Wahh I'm back haha, don't worry about messing up the request it happens! I still loved it the other way around!

Im so sorry anon, im delirious from lack of sleep and didnt read your request right. I hope this will be okay, <33

--

Sunday is usually busy, so when on this specific day, when you insist on meeting up with him in the middle of his schedule, he's a bit irked.

He imagines its most likely something important, or you needed something that only he could provide (which could only be done in private, behind doors).

So he's very sure to clear out people from the vicinity of his office, telling them he'll be alright and hastily shoo-ing them away in the most professional manner.

And then.. you show up, with a cheeky grin and a heart-shaped box. Curious.

And you set down the chocolate on his desk, almost humorously contrasting to his very well kept desk. You explain Valentine's to him and he understands, mainly because it's a bit of his duty to keep tabs on festivities, even of other planets.

And he offers you to sit down, asks you about it in more detail, while curiously scanning the box. He doesn't realise you made it yourself until you drop it in the middle of conversation, and he stays still for a moment, deep in thought, before a loving smile breaks out on his face.

Sunday appreciates any effort from you so much. He knows he's not exactly easy to love, especially because you have to do it from a distance most of the time. So he appreciates it so so much. He's already thinking of all the ways he wants to pay you back – not because he sees it as a transaction, but rather he wants to let you know he sees your efforts and wants to return them, too.

Lovingly guides you to sit you down beside him, and feeds you a piece of chocolate first, and then eats it himself. Very neatly picks it up, careful to make sure it doesnt melt on his gloves, and it doesn't get on your face. Wipes off any excess bits on your face and compliments the flavors, tells you about how popular they are, flavors that are particularly favored from certain worlds, and all sorts of things. He wraps up the box neatly and insists you wait for a bit outside his office, tenderly kissing your forehead.

After a few moments of quiet shuffling, his door clicks open, as he gives you a very beautifully sealed letter. He says it was supposed to be for another occasion, and he had to rush the writing a bit at the end, but most of it was completed, and stamped perfectly. The letter is about 3 pages long, and full of well-wishes, and feelings Sunday probably wouldn't be able to tell you directly face to face. He kisses your hand and tells you he'll make some time for you another day, and make up for the time he couldn't spend today.

He listens to your quiet footsteps shuffle down the hallway, further away from his office, and once he's sure you're gone, he sighs, sitting down in his office chair. He sits deeply in thought, and anyone walking in would have thought he was in deep trouble, trying to find a solution for an extremely multifaceted and complex issue.. when really, he's thinking about just how dangerously he's wrapped around your finger. Perhaps he prefers it that way?

[starfxkrinc]

https://www.tumblr.com/starfxkrinc/774122775265869824/thinking-about-an-alternate-time-line-where

omg….. jj can’t stand transactional sex, at that point jj would so rather come in his hand. when he’s with sweetpea, he feels the same connection that he did back when he was with kie. i think he’s also territorial over sweetpea as she works, he’ll see her take a man back stage and starts fuming. after she’s done with her client, jj pays more than he usually does so he can have her longer. he fucks sweetpea ROUGH, making her cum over and over again. ‘only I can make you feel this good’ he takes her home with him afterwards to keep the party going because ‘he paid more the usually and wants his moneys worth. jj leaves hickeys on her and comes back the next night to just watch her dance on the main stage and makes sure she doesn’t over them. jj also doesn’t look at any of the other strippers either, he there for only sweetpea. the girls in the club now better than to come up to him, jj has a not so nice habit of comparing the girls to sweetpea. ‘you’re too skinny, i like my women with meat on the bones’ or ‘you cant handle me like a women like that does’

another girl tries dancing for him and hes like "the fuck ima do with a skinny bitch" LIKE HES ACTUALLY SOOOO VILE. its rough on her tho because its breeding resentment and shes already one of the most popular girls there and everyone knows if youre racking in the most money it gets competitive. but jj cant help it, its like when shes up there everyone else disappears. is he falling under the "thinks a strippers in love with him" spell well yes! but he's not entirely wrong....its complicated! because on some level she realizes she's falling for someone who she thinks she'll never realistically have but. why else does he walk her to her car? why else did he give her his number in case something happens???

jjs always nervous someone with a bigger bank account is gonna come in and swoop you away because theyre always coming in with gifts and jewelry for you and he doesnt make a lot of money at all. half his paychecks pretty much going to you but he just wants to pretend you're his even if it's just for a night.

[blueberry-ink-93]

electra & pylades hcs :>

i may or may not have gone overboard lol. theyre my bebes sue me. for @cassentia <3

right off the bat electras fave colour is purple. bc i say so

the noble pigment as it was called is an extrememly expensive dye to make and fabric to buy, so it represents to her something thats well within her grasp but just out of reach.

anyways purple <3

pylades is the first to notice aha

now purple wildflowers instantly bring his beloved to mind :3

neither of them can cook to save their lives lmao

electra being somewhat used to going for long periods without eating (for whatever reason) and overall forgetting even after her marriage that food is like. a necessity. she forgor

when asked what her favourite dishes or snacks are she just shrugs. she really doesnt know, shes never once stopped to consider it. shes been surviving for so long she no longer remembers what it means to like something just because

this of course simply doesnt do, so pylades (very discreetly) starts introducing and offering her stuff from time to time, old and new, to see if she takes any preference.

its a quiet and very slow process but she heals.

she prefers cheeses and fruits to cooked dishes usually

tis just easier and less mess and fuss. so practical as always

--

electra and pylades are on two oppsite ends of a spectrum, but at the same time theyre cut from the same cloth, so its a really interesting dynamic to see play out

theyre either harmoniously in tune or at complete odds lol

one example is how they dealt with the years of isolation

pylades in my mind grew up with an emotionally unavailable mother (after the loss of her second child, astydameia, in infancy)

he had imaginary friends and made up stories to pass the time when he was alone. sometimes he played in his fathers court while they held meetings, other times he listend and tried to understand what they were discussing. he managed to make the best of it and emerge mostly whole. he sure as hell doesnt show otherwise

electra however not only was in an abusive household later on, but even before iphigenia was sacrificed she and her siblings werent really seen, she grew up learning to stay in the shadows

if she couldnt earn her mothers love she could at least avoid her wrath. and so my darling spent years just. dissociating. letting herself go piece by piece. waiting the sweet release of death that had claimed her beloveds before her (iphigenia and orestes)

--

their marriage to me is something of a deal, not in a transaction way, but more of an unspoken agreement? electra is marrying for safety, stability, status etc as per the norms of the time, and who better and more trustworthy than pylades?

the engagement is relatively quick, after orestes' judgement, happy marriage to hermione, and claiming the throne of mycenae (and argos?? idk the geopolitics doesnt make sense to me hgfds)

strophius is soso happy to see his boi (hes so real for that) and is not a little tickled to see hes brought home a wife aha

its all good natured teasing lol strophius is very dad shaped. hes very dad and electra finds some solace in him as a father figure

its hilarious to see them so professional almost with each other, newlyweds are usually either fidgety or flustered around one another. these two? they sound like diplomatic envoys lmao

they do loosen up a little. from court members to comrades XD

and hoo boi when they finally get to that stage? yall are not prepared for how *deeply* unserious they are

--

pylades is very english major core to me lol, he keeps journals and writes all sorts of stuff (like stories his imaginary friends would tell him that hed make up etc) he loves poetry and is a very good orator, capable of delivering moving speeches and overall get along with the people. we love an articulate and eloquent king

electras strengths are much quieter and calculated; quick thinking and brilliant with numbers. she loves counting and recounting things, making lists and going over them. knowing things gives her comfort and she exercises that over what little she has control over

they rule and work together each in the aspects they excel at, pylades as king has a court to rule and the affairs of his subjects to care for (which happens to be his forte), electra however prefers to oversee the stores and finances and see to their corresponding paperwork (she LOVES papertrails lol) etc.

her experience in diplomacy comes with years of vigilance and observation from the sidelines (akdjjewks :')) and pylades being the silver tongued speaker he is they are *the* power couple ever >:3

--

slightly more whimsical stuff now lol

spreading my gentle giant pylades agenda muehehehe

at just under 2m he literally towers over people. he is also built like a castle turret lol. more of him to hug its amazing trust.

electra and orestes are both 1.7m lol (hermione is tol at 1.9m) hehe

anyhows that one polar bear cub meme and its mama in the shadows? exactly

pylades is very outwardly friendly, he taught himselt to appear unassuming and unarmed (as much as a beast of a man can lol) and to be written off as non threatening, but he knows no one is to be trusted, that family can and will turn on you, and that the walls have ears. for a social and amicable fellow hes very very closed off

slight tangent but strophius means 'slippery fellow and twister' and it made me consider him as a parallel of sorts to ody. (this carries mostly hilarious connotations to me but thats an essay for another time)

pylades is his fathers son, albeit in his own way. from his mother who found solace in her marriage only to have it take from her as well (to me thats her share of the family curse) his good looks.

actually anaxibia is pretty fun to work with (sadly) bc we got nothin for my girl, but theres a naiad of the same name and i fully plan on exploiting the fact lol. anyway

after his baby sisters death life at home just wasnt the same anymore. time cant afford to stop for ones mourning so life moved on as it so often does, and she just drifted away.

i saw something on pinterest today to the efffect of motherless mamas boy. and yeah.

aha did i say whimsical i meant bone aching angst lol. heres more

electra my darling

as you may know she lived a portion of her life as a slave would under her mothers tyrannical rule, regardless if she was made to work or just effectively imprisoned in her own home, its no surprise that its done a number on her health, compounded by the years of grief over her sister & brother she has repressed emotions and trauma to work through that shed rather not. #relatable

all this to say codependent pylectra ftw >:3 bc i like my fave couples to be a little (quite) unhealthy lol <3

that said miss maam has a lot to come to terms with and unlearn and accept and let go of and grieve and love and forgive and-

should i write this omg

anyways electra looks like cly the most out of her siblings (to me. and orestes resembles agamemnon. ooh i need to draw a family tree) which is fun. she is her fathers daughter (and fave hehe) this is my emotional support hc none of u can take this away from me

grief grief grief so much grief. and anger. rightfully so. all hidden away and every day threatening to burst forth and make her do something she truly regrets. this is a big fear of hers

she feels intensely, pylades little if at all. the emotions written on their faces cant be further from whats so clearly engraved in their hearts. its *fascinating* yall have no idea like im losing my mind as we speak lol.

they both hate olives. eugh

--

whimsy fr this time:

electra hates banana milk. pylades like a heathen loves the stuff

she loves nibbling on cheeses and fruits a la remy from that scene lol. sharp cheeder and a grape. softer brie and a blackberry. mmm

shes a salty over sweet gal. pylades has a sweet tooth to ensure the next generation of tooth fairies live comfortably lmao

they go on walks after lunch. no one talks. sometimes they hold hands. its a ritual. something practiced. something safe. just them

golden retriever and black cat? nope st. bernard and orange cat

i will fight to the death on this hill lmao

like i mentioned somewhere neither can cook for shit lol so for a long time kitchen time is bonding time, they both figure out what they fancy eating for the day and shenanigans ensue.

im serious the first couple weeks coffee would find its way to the ceiling. they were making lasagna

pylades finds great joy in making bread its therapeutic and they make all their loaves at home now.

i was going to say something that would have put me on a list somewhere lol so i shall hold my silence

anyway he also finds his way around pickles and preserves. the kitchen is so fun you guys. he makes potions and stuff

electra takes up gardening :D

chilling amongst the flowers and greens is also therapeutic. now they have fresh bread and produce :]

theyre winning at life omg. oh to have what they have

fresh flowers every other day now decorate the house, some are dried and made into arts others are preserved (hermione would be the artsiest of the bunch i think, from pottery to epoxy resin)

TEA PARTIES. nuff said

thats about all i have for now lol i need to go back to studying. hope yall enjoyed and pls feel free to shoot ur hcs and stuff my way :DDD

[imustbenuts]

nuts reading trigun in japanese 7 - filial piety, and meryl

my alternate readings/translation/interpretation of jp lines are for triangulation purposes and nothing else.

ch 10-12. a more general scattershot of a post than over analyzing the japanese texts this time round. i think meryl in these 3 chapters is the most interesting character for me. but mainly bc she seems to be carrying a baggage: her struggle with filial piety.

^OH's version

ソレが普通ですわよ That'd be the most common sense thing to do. それにもともと家訓からして『自立せよ』ですからね But our house's motto is to first be independent above all. ドライといえばドライなのかも Mine would just be dry beyond dry...

me: hm. an office lady in the context of being written in 1990s by a japanese guy. i understand.

(i actually prefer OH's version bc the implications of what shes saying is the exact same, but more importantly leads into this page)

いきついて見れば When I realized all that 何か大��なものを忘れてるのかも… Realized that perhaps I've forgotten something (filial piety) so important... 私… I...

(you can see how this raw translation fucking sucks. I'd reword it in a way that's along the lines of 'feeling so ashamed as to forget getting angry', but OH's version is a downright banger. 11/10 the implications of what she feels is still the exact same. love it a lot!)

right so.

filial piety.

filial piety for a lot of asians is... kind of hard to break down. but perhaps can be explained as "abandoning ones' parents is the worst sin one can do".

not being filial is an invitation to the most extreme judgement from relatives and outsiders in a society which upholds it as the absolute virtue. at least, for the most part. (late stage capitalism fucked it all up yayy)

abandonment can be in the form of presence and/or financial. if a child doesnt make bank to pay back for their parents raising them up, they're not filial. if a child is absent and not there to take care of their parent, thats not filial.

and not being grateful, not being filial, equals shame and warrants divine punishment. (check out folklores like momotaro and kaguyahime that touches on these themes)

meryl i think struggles with that bc shes likely an only child who is expected to work an office job after studying super hard for it, and is now living independently away from her parents. meaning, she is technically not present to take care of them, which in this context makes her feel immensely guilty.

to make matters worse, it sounds like shes one of those types where her parents possibly had to work a lot to pay for this and that, resulting in a severe lack of communication. so this compounds, and she can only write dry stuff in her mind.

milly, by the way, does not have this problem as much:

she has a lot of siblings who can shoulder the weight of it all together, so in terms of that filial piety stress shes not doing so bad.

Badwick, the focus of this arc, by the way, faces the same struggles with meryl:

i mentioned the financial part bc from how chill the parents are with him, i think its possible he was trying to sell the land for large sums of money for his parents to retire. theres an added level of resentment going on that complicates their dynamic, with a dead brother and a land that means too much to sell for any sum of money.

and also his parents are... too nice and understanding, jeez.

i dont think meryl has the resentment. i think her case was similar in that her parents worked hard to provide and kinda neglected her in the connection part.

ofc this might then bring up the question of, 'isnt filial piety kinda transactional?', and, yeah. it... frankly can be. some parents have weaponized it, knowing that a society which forces unconditional love and financial support from a child is a good retirement plan. and it sucks. nightow must have realized this and sidestepped it.

whether bc it will not be well received by the then jp audience or if he just doesnt want to tell a story about this, i dont know. there could also be the fact that the 90s was a bad time to be talking about securing retirement for parents when the economy was circling the drain.

trigun gets dark later. we are getting love and peace above all else, at least for now.

...hm something seems to be rising over the horizon. but we can deal with that later. domestic violence

also i think vash is the kind who would also be a filial son to rem. this aspect of him is just lurking silently in the background in hindsight. in a barrel.

(incidentally i think this is also why luida and brad got promoted to surrogate parents position in stampede. much to ponder ponder...)