#don't worry about how the context changes as you go through their personal journeys just take all the early game stuff at face value

[undead-potatoes]

Not loving this increasingly weird behavior in fandom where they'll look at a female character behaving in certain ways and go "ooooh that's so hashtag girlboss, feminism wins uwu", but then you look deeper into it and she's actually just behaving out of fear or deep rooted trauma

[hopeintheashes]

March 2020 stuff under the cut. Long post. Edits for clarity and confidentiality.

I just needed to... process, I guess.

_ _ _

March 22, 2020: The Beginning of All of This

The Penzu prompt is: Why I'm Writing.

I'm writing because this is unprecedented. Because I might want to look back on it someday.

The journey so far. I've cross-checked dates with my texts, work calendar, and VPR as best I can.

Sunday, 3/8 - Time Change Sunday. I hate time change. I know it's going to be a rough week. I have no idea how rough.

Monday, 3/9 - Tired. The kids are tired. We end with take two of our department meeting. Good news, mostly. Next year is sort of starting to feel within reach. Williston and Wilmington are closed, but only as a very short term measure. The first confirmed case in Vermont was announced yesterday. It's in Bennington County. That's pretty far away.

Tuesday, 3/10 - Pretty normal day at work. Still tired. Haven't managed to switch over re: the time change. When I get home, there's an email from the Community Chorus director: Rehearsal is cancelled... because everything on campus is cancelled... because no one is allowed on campus... because they're closing down the campus... and sending all the students home. "What? What??" -- out loud. I had no idea this was coming. It feels like a physical, electric shock. I text K - are we still on for the Welcome to Night Vale this weekend? She's going to find out. They've just announced that there's an outbreak in New Rochelle. Woodstock isn't that close... but it's certainly not that far away.

Wednesday, 3/11 - Eval Planning meeting at School A. After the actual business, we talk about the coronavirus. What else is there to talk about? They're going to close the schools, my coworker says at some point in the day. It's not if, but when. I feel weirdly calm about that. Certainty is better than uncertainty. I text K: Regardless of what the venue decided, I'm not going to venture into the Hudson Valley. It seems safer to stay in Vermont.

Thursday, 3/12 - Three meetings back-to-back at School B. They're meetings that have been on the books for weeks, but still, I'm starting to feel the rush of trying to get everything done. Just in case.

Friday, 3/13 - Now I'm feeling the pressure. There's a 7:30 a.m. meeting with a parent. Five adults including me all in a room just big enough for a table for four. I've been vaguely worried about germs all week, but it's the first time that I think, we shouldn't be doing this. I don't know how to speak up about that. I try not to touch my face. By the end of the school day, my anxiety is running high. They're going to close the schools... right? What does that mean? No one knows. There's an email from the superintendent: The governor is holding a press conference tonight. I watch live. "We're not closing the schools." What do you mean, we're not closing the schools? Am I allowed to opt out even if I'm not personally in a high-risk group? Everything is upside down.

Saturday, 3/14 - My brother's birthday. I text him Happy Birthday. My sister-in-law is making him pie. They're not going out. His office is insisting that everyone come in in person. They're right next to the outbreak in New Rochelle.

Sunday, 3/15 - Admins have been in meetings all weekend. They're in meetings all day today. Another press conference: We are closing the schools. It's mandatory starting 3/18. We have two days to wrap everything up before we step into the abyss. They say the closing goes through 4/6. It still seems possible that we might be back then.

Monday, 3/16 - I'm at School A. We have almost exactly 2/3 of the kids there. As far as I know, it's the highest percentage in the district. I find out later that School B had 1/3. Someone says, "School C [the wealthiest in the district] had like 15 kids in the building." I believe it. The inequalities are already showing strong. [Context note: Those are near-exact matches for the percentage of each student body who qualify for free/reduced price lunch. These are the kids who need to be at school to be safe and fed. The ones whose parents can't stay home.]

After school: Staff meeting. We'd had an agenda... it's out the window. We're just trying to make it through the next two days. Everyone is facing this head-on. Pressing ahead. I half-expected things to fall into panic, but they never did. As I'm going to bed, we get a call: School is off for tomorrow. Yesterday was, it turns out, our last day with the kids. No fucking closure. None at all.

Tuesday, 3/17 - The superintendent says to think of today like a snow day, so I do. I do laundry, and dishes, and watch mountaineering films. One day at a time.

Wednesday, 3/18 - We go in in person. It feels wrong, but we have to pack up our rooms. School B > District Office > School A. Bouncing around, trying to keep our distance. In a lot of ways, it feels like the very end of the year. Spoken or unspoken, everyone is now operating under the assumption that we're not coming back.

Thursday, 3/19 - I go in briefly. Sign my Medicaid billing logs, make sure my coworker has what she needs to finish packing up the room, deliver the paperwork to the district office. And-- that's it. It's remote from here on out.

Friday, 3/20 - Two virtual meetings, then trying to figure things out, then one more virtual meeting. Everything's moving fast, inconsistent. Frustration is starting to build.

Saturday, 3/21 - Finally, some good things: a 3-hour Google Hangout with my college friends.

And-- that's where we are. I'm watching the UU service. Starting to read Rumi. Hopefully convincing Mom and Dad that it's time for them to learn how to do video calls.

More later. We go on.

_ _ _

March 29, 2020: Another Week In

Another week. I'm busy. Busier than I was before. It's weird.

Mon, 3/23 - Fri, 3/27 - Just... work. So much work. Trying to figure out how any of this is going to work.

Thursday, 3/26 - The governor announced that we won't be going back for the rest of the year. It was the next logical step... it still feels like a loss.

Somewhere in all of that, I had a moment of sheer hopelessness, like I've never had before: a flash of, if it's always going to be like this, what's the point in going on? Just a flash, but it scared me.

I talked with friends (phone call or video call) almost every day this week. It helped.

Yesterday, I caught up on sleep. I think. I was still really tired. Some lovely person on Ao3 went through my whole catalog with detailed, pull-quote gushing comments. It was a very nice ego boost. :-)

Today, I watched a different UU service (it was okay), did laundry, went shopping, cleaned all the groceries, did virtual Community Chorus rehearsal, and practiced guitar. That makes me sound productive. I was, in the sense that I got all that done. I also just about panicked about steeping foot outside my house (and into another enclosed space; walks outside are still fine), and was in pain from cramps for hours this afternoon and evening. So.

I think there's a post about gratitude. Maybe I'll make that one separately.

_ _ _

March 29, 2020: Gratitude

In the midst of inexorable low-level panic and the kind of abject hopelessness I thought I'd banished from my life, I've been trying to focus on the positives. It sounds superficial and fake. It's not. I don't think. So, things I am grateful for:

At this exact moment, as far as I know, I and the people I love most in the world are healthy and safe.

From everything I've heard so far, all of my students are housed and fed and accounted for.

I still have a job, and a paycheck, and health insurance, and meaningful work to do on a schedule that looks a lot like it usually would, except that I get to sleep in by an hour.

Levels of video chatting with friends that hasn't happened since they were studying abroad a decade ago (and with much better technology, this time!).

Video chatting with my parents - I've finally convinced them to give it a try!

I have a piano and a guitar and a violin and a mandolin and a clarinet and a flute in my house, and I have been playing two of those things.

As much as being alone sucks (I literally don't know when the next time I will get to touch another human, or even an animal), it does mean that I have control over my environment in a way that does bring my anxiety down.

I found another series to love.

My house is slowly becoming cleaner in the "neater and tidier" sense, as moving around and putting things away is a desirable break after several hours of staring at a screen.

It's walking weather, and the crocuses are starting to appear.

_ _ _

from a later entry: May 23, 2020: Every time I go out, it is into a different world

Sun, March 29 - laundry, groceries

Laundry felt dangerous. I don't have it written down any time between March 6 and March 29. I'm not 100% sure that's right, but it could have been... I think I did four loads. Hand sanitizer, avoiding others. Hot water in the washer; everything through the dryer. Just about holding your breath in between.

A few people had started wearing masks. Hardly any. No masks on staff. First visit with plexiglass shields for cashiers. A few employees wearing masks, but not many. Very few cleaning supplies of any kind. Very few eggs. Almost no flour, although I did snag some. 

From March 18-April 17 (School Closure through Spring Break), everything was full out, all the time, all day, every day. Mind-numbing, exhausting, stressful, feeling like you're failing at everything all the time. One of the administrators tried to ban the expression "building the plane while we're flying it" and the word "overwhelmed." I… think he was kidding?

Wed, April 15 - groceries

  First time wearing a mask in public. Now, at least half the people were doing the same. That weird, involuntary grin of, holy shit, this is happening, the world has turned upside down, this is not a drill kicked in when I passed the first set of other customers wearing homemade cloth masks (not bandanas, not those neck gaiters you can pull up over your face, made-for-the-purpose honest-to-god face masks). I was glad that because of the mask, they couldn't see my face and misinterpret it as excitement - it was a thrill, but a thrill of adrenaline, of, alright, so we're doing this, of, we're off to war.

  Not 100% of staff were wearing masks, but definitely more than last time. Got a little more flour, but it was still in short supply. I think this was the week that most everything was back in stock (except toilet paper, Lysol, or hand sanitizer), certainly everything in the produce section, but weirdly - no bananas. Just that day. Or two weeks; how would I know.

_ _ _

April 10, 2020: Two More Weeks

Two weeks since I went grocery shopping. Two weeks since I did laundry. Two weeks since I was in a shared enclosed space.

I've stopped walking around the block. Too many people. Now I'm in the woods.

I'm finding parts of the park I never knew existed. Going off on trails on a whim. I found the waterfall.

Everything feels both sped up and slowed down. There's so much to do for work. The district's lawyer described it as drinking from a fire hose. That feels... more right than not.

I keep thinking I should go grocery shopping. This internal sense of time. It's time to go to Hannaford's. It's time to wash my clothes. When I actually look in the cupboard and the fridge and the closet, though, I have enough. I'm doing fine.

Even my bank account is fine. For the first time since I moved up here, I'm not worried about money. This morning, after my paycheck and before I paid my credit card bill, I had $6000 in the bank. It's been years. If the stimulus check comes through, I'll get $1200. It doesn't feel fair. I still have a job. Some people are going to donate theirs. I can't bring myself to give up the piece of mind.

Every time I talk to Mom and Dad, they're so-- unworried. They're being careful, but they don't seem stressed. I think it helps that they're up on the hill. No one in sight but the cows.

I feel like I should be writing. The barrier is the amount of time. I think it's been a year.

I think I need to eat something real. I'm not sure what. Or maybe sleep. I don't know what I want. Nothing sounds good.

I listed to As It Is' album The Great Depression on repeat while I was out walking. It felt good, and now it feels insubstantial.

It all feels insubstantial.

I think I need to eat. I definitely need to make bread. I'm out. There's still crackers, and tortillas, and stuff like that. I'm not too worried. But I should probably make some bread.

I feel like I'm failing all the time.

And then I go in the woods and I don't feel like I'm failing. It snowed today. Big fat flakes. Then back to rain. Snow-rain-snow-rain, all my rain gear slick but I was warm and safe, sliding in the mud.

I see my kids and I don't feel like I'm failing. I found a way to put away my school stuff, and that didn't feel like failing.

Productivity is good. And exhausting. It's hard to tell the difference between inertia-exhaustion and hard work-exhaustion.

And I'm always in pain. All this sitting around is terrible.

I need to get up and eat.

_ _ _

April 10, 2020: update from two hours later

I ate real food.

It helped.

_ _ _

Epilogue: August 17, 2020: Two to go

Last entry was three work days left. Today's is two days until work begins.

Summer has been... summer: walking in the woods in the rain and sleeping weird hours and cleaning my entire house and watching entire shows in one go.

In a lot of ways, the strangest part was not being able to camp with A, not because of lockdown, but because her baby is too young. Like the downtown construction, might as well consolidate all the weirdness into one year.

Some parts feel normal. Someday (I assume) we'll be able to go back into indoor spaces with strangers and not wear masks. To hug our students and give high-fives. To visit family without checking the map to see if it's allowed. For now, though, the masks at least feel normal. Feel safe. Feel right. It's going to be a long time before I feel safe around strangers again.

_ _ _

postscript: and then i spent a year processing it all through fiction.

[shadowjtrev]

I remember I once told her.. "I'm like magic, you just gotta believe in me" and the context to that night is important but not to this passage. and well she always did, from that moment, even from the beginning, I think it was the reason that I felt so.. incredible, I felt otherworldly, I felt like I could take on anything.. I know that at some point she would get worried about me, that her life and the things going on would break me, but I always assured her and would always tell her "don't worry darling, I'm bullet proof" and to a degree I really felt that way. but then, there would be a moment where I started to doubt myself, mainly because of the point in my life where i was at, i didnt have much snd was stuck in a lot of old ways and i felt helpless at times, and i always wanted to do more, but there were times where i just didnt know how and i know im rambling but i always felt that she slowly doubted me, and i dont blame her if she did.. but I could noticbly see that change within myself, and I started to fail.. In the most crucial moments..

but this girl, even if she did began to doubt me in some moments, still always loved me, always cared, through the ups and downs, she still always believed in me, even to the end, she always saw something greater in me that I could never see, and so much of her words kept me going even when I felt weak, even when I wanted to just give up on myself.. it meant everything to me, and I know I wasn't perfect, I've made a lot of stupid decisions, but I still kept on.

now I don't have those words anymore, she isn't here, and although her words and writings echo through me, it's just me out here.. on my own, and boy has it been a journey, but I really have, especially now, learned so much about myself. I've been on this journey of self love and self belief, and as hard as it gets sometimes, I still push. I need to believe in myself, I need to convince and show myself that I have what it takes to become a version of myself that I love and deserve, as well as the people around me deserve. I just know that big things might come my way and I need to be ready for it all, and I don't want to fail again, i can't.. I've been very proud of myself though, especially living on my own, I've learned so much about life, I've reflected on my past mistakes and although I wish I could back in time and just do things right, I know its important for me to forgive myself for those moments and make sure I do the right thing now and from here on out, wether it's for others or for myself.

I know I fell off the wagon a bit, drinking 4 of 5 days straight of every week and not taking care of myself is on my top priority of shit I need to stop doing.. yes I can wake up fine and go on about my day but I know it affects me in ways I can't see.. I need to be better, and I will be.. I have to be.

I know I'll have bad days, ill have bad weeks, but I need to remember my goals, and why and who I'm doing it for.

I do wonder if she roots for me from afar, even if we're not in eachothers lives anymore. I know that I do for her, I'll always root for her, and her goals, she's always been able to conquer anything she sets her mind to, and I've always admired that.

I really miss her, and her words sometimes. she was the only person to always remind me of my worth in this life, and she has no idea how engraved into me her support was..

[dariamalek]

A Letter To My Other Half

When I was 16, I read Mansfield Park for the first time.

There is a quote in that book, where Edmund and Franny are talking about Mr. Crawford, where Edmund says:

"He will make you happy Fanny; I know he will make you happy; but you will make him everything."

Interestingly enough, in this context, I always thought Edmund was speaking of Fanny's qualities as a woman - how she supplies "a woman, who firm as a rock in her own principles, has a gentleness of character so well adapted to recommend them."

I began my Jane Austen journey with this book, but I read it twice in a row because of that quote. It just wasn't making sense to me.

I read Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion (three times, actually), Emma, Sense and Sensibility, Northanger Abbey - even Lady Susan - in order to see just what Ms. Austen was going on about. Throughout this journey, she became by far my favourite writer - but I just couldn't figure it out.

Since I was on this journey to figure this out, I went through many life changes romantically that had caused me to believe that my heart just wasn't big enough no matter how much I gave. No matter how many times my heart broke, my father always told me: "patch it up and get back out there."

I never knew why he would be convincing me to go out on a date - it was quite strange, especially in our culture, for a father to encourage her daughter to meet new people again after a bad heartbreak.

A particular time was in December of 2022, where I had reconnected with someone from my past. He had approached me and asked me to go out sometime.

Although I wanted to, I had closed myself off to every single male-being in the world at that time. My fear had driven me more into my career, into my independence, and I had given up my dream of falling in love and having a family.

At dinner, my mother brought it up and I expressed how I felt about it. My father was silent until after his plate of dinner was finished. He chewed, swallowed and stopped me in the the middle of my side conversation with my mother and said - word for word - "I read some of that book that you won't stop reading (I think he was talking about Pride and Prejudice) and, you know my English isn't great (my father is an immigrant) but if I know anything about my daughter, it's that you read these things because keep down you believe in a love like this."

And he was right. Although I have always been daddy's little princess, I never failed to hear the hard truth from my father. But what really resonated with me was when he said this:

"I know I have raised you to be strong on your own, to be smart, confident, independent and to stand on your own two feet without anyone's help but there is no better feeling than finding someone, who loves you enough, to let you put some of that weight on them. And it's okay to have a partner to help you do that. You don't need to go through life alone. Love is a beautiful thing and I know you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life like you say you do."

My father has always been a man of few words, so when he said this, it struck a chord in me. And so, two days later on December 30th, I agreed to come see you. And to this day - my father always lets me hear about how it was his doing.

But see, it kind of wasn't. I was already thinking about you everyday; looking forward to seeing what cute name you called me whenever you said good morning.

We both went on vacation at the same time, and I caught myself wanting to tell you everything that happened every day and when your plane got delayed and you got stuck at the airport - I felt worried about you.

But in my head, I kept telling myself that I don't even know you, or it was too soon for me to feel this way about you. But I grew up in a house where emotions were never hidden; your heart never lied and everyone was a great person until proven otherwise. And yes, this was the reason why I had taken so many blows to the heart, but my mother always said: "your heart is a muscle (it's an organ, but okay mom), you will have days where you pull it because of your bad form and it hurts like hell - but you massage that knot right out and get back to training or else you lose all the progress you've ever accomplished."

I grew up in a very conservative home given my dads career. I had to always watch how I acted, how I dressed, what I said, be respectful, well mannered and polite, oh and God forbid I made noise while biting into a cucumber (my mother literally used to make me walk around with books on my head for 15 minutes a day to correct my posture) so naturally, when I first met you, I felt like I had to act the same way I always did - reserved, quiet and conscious.

But I physically couldn't - I felt so safe to explore my emotions around you. Your positivity and outgoingness brought out my inner self, a little girl who was bullied; tossed in garbage bins, tripped, slapped, shoved into lockers just for being herself but she didn't flinch. She felt safe with you. She didn't feel judged or scared.

And for the first time, in what felt like forever, I was able to be myself around someone outside of my close knit circle.

I felt comfortable vocalizing my feelings and my opinions, and I was so happy to hear later on that that's what made you know.

And although I never admitted it, I knew too. I knew when I saw your reaction when you picked up that shirt and I responded "erm...that one?" That smile on your face; you knew you had reeled me right in with that charm.

But little did you know, I took the bait.

And as our relationship progressed, I was opening up to so many emotions - some of which I didn't even know - and I didn't know how to deal with them. I didn't want you to be away from me for a second, I didn't want to share you with others - this strange, so strange selfishness perturbed within in me that I never felt before. I didn't know what was happening. Suddenly, other women, who were seemingly interested in you, seemed to bother me. I've never in my life felt any emotion of jealousy towards others, I didn't need to - and I felt so alone because I didn't know what was happening to me before. I never told you for months, because I didn't want to burden you with my emotions - but you still loved me.

No matter what I did, no matter how many emotions I felt, or how many bad days I had - you still loved me.

And I know you probably didn't think I saw it - but I did.

You begged me to let you take on the emotional burden I was feeling; telling me that I didn't have to do it alone, that you want to take my stresses and put them on your shoulders - words that I have told everybody and never heard myself my entire life - and my father's words echoed in my head.

I felt safe enough to be vulnerable with you. I trusted you and suddenly just being in your warm embrace took every single thing weighing me down right off. I felt like as a feather with you and for the first time in my life - I cried in front of a boy.

Before this, there were only 3 people who have seen me cry in my adulthood, two of which were my parents so it made sense when I panicked as the first tear fell out of my eyes.

I didn't want you to see this side of me; this emotional wreck who doesn't even know why she feels the way that she feels until the day that you opened up to me.

I know you weren't comfortable doing so, but you did it. You felt safe enough to be vulnerable with me in that moment and put your feelings out on the table in front of me. I don't know if you realized that you did it but you said it yourself: "I've never been in love before."

Well baby, neither have I.

I quickly learned that although you may be madly in love with someone, you must learn how to love them. The reason why I was feeling the way I was was because I was getting ready to put all my faith, my life, my trust, my privilege, my pride, my future, my confidence, my mind, my body, my soul - everything - into you. I was getting ready to give it all to you.

And this is how I was coping with the fear of getting hurt.

But without words, without saying a single word to me, you reassure me in ways that you can't imagine. And that warm day in June, when I met your beautiful family, I knew that I was confident enough to tell you those three, very special words - but to my surprise:

You said them first.

My mother always said:

A good relationship doesn't only bring you happiness. It brings you positive connections, great company, it teaches you to be a better, stronger person. You know you are in a good relationship when you can learn from your partner, when you make new friendships through your partner, when your partner brings you growth, when they inspire you to connect with your passions - and you better be sure that you do the same for them.

And slowly I realized that through meeting you - I made a new friend, I got a promotion, I put pen to paper after months of writer's block, I went to the gym everyday. You made me want to be the best version of myself because I wouldn't dare let you love a half-assed version of me. Even though I knew you would, it just felt like an injustice.

And through that, I reminded myself what I was capable of; I reminded myself of who I was.

And that's when that quote began making sense to me - all it was missing was just one word:

"He will make you happy Fanny; I know he will make you happy; but you will make him [your] everything."

You gifted me happiness, security, protection, trust, care, simplicity, effort, affection, reassurance and so much more and in the process, I made you my everything.

I made you my entire world. I gave you emotions and moments that I could never give to anyone else. I made you the first thing I think about when I wake up and the first thing I think about when I fall asleep. I made you, your safety, your happiness and your well being my priority. I made your success my everything.

I made you my everything.

And although there may be times, where both of us get our emotions intertwined a little too rough - not a second goes by where we feel ungrateful about everything we do for eachother; for all the time and effort we put down for eachother; for the respect that we give eachother.

And when you feel like giving up, just know that I am so proud of you. Even when I’m not there, I will be there as a shadow standing right behind you. I will be there when you’re anxious, nervous, stressed, frustrated; just know that I am there in your shadow; in your heart. And even when you feel like you’ve had enough, and even when you feel like you want to drop everything and run - just know that I am and always have been so proud of you and all you’ve done. I may not have been there in person to watch you, but I’ve watched from afar and I’ve been cheering you on every second of your life as I watch you get closer and closer to what you deserve. And I pray that you get it.

And I pray that God watches over you when I can’t and he keeps you safe and motivated - you can do whatever you set your mind to. You are smart, strong and so driven. I believe in you; I always have and I always will.

I promise to never stop being the woman you fell in love with; only make her better and I promise to never fall out of love with you and the best version of yourself you want to be.

Happy birthday baby, I love you.

Forever.

Until the end of time.

Until my last breath.

I love you.

[questions-im-scared-to-ask]

So, if you have a character going through their transition MtF, and they go through basically everything up to surgery, but they get a chance to alter their body without surgery for story reasons. Does that diminish their personal journey?

Like I'm talking years of going through hrt, social and family stuff, and basically getting an option right before going through surgery, to just overhaul their body. Like face, chest, bits, all of it. But this change only being possible because of the hormones and therapy work they've already done.

Is that wish fulfilment, or is that like erasure? Because they still went through everything, but it sorta feels like an instant fix, even though the process takes several months?

(Context and poll below)

For context a character I'm working on went through a nearly full transition (she's still in early writing so I'm trying to figure out if I need to adjust) and a few days before she was going in for bottom surgery she got hit by an alien parasite. A few weird days go by, and she misses her appointment. In a moment of panic she explains why she's upset, and the parasite mentions that it can help adjust her body to better match her hormones.

So instead of surgery it's a few awkward months of body changes, face shape, voice box, down to bittles. And she slowly feels more and more comfortable and confident with her body. And during this time you get to see her as she connects with the people around her and feel how she feels as things change.

Skip ahead a few years and something rips the parasite out, so she goes through a sort of self reflection panic where she worries about her body shifting back. But it doesn't because that's what she is now. And when she gets the parasite back they have a stronger relationship realizing they're together by choice and not because they have to be.

Like, she still goes through a full transition, I just thought that may offer more character specific moments than a surgery does. Also I don't know how to write medical stuff, and I'm worried I'd mess it up trying to get into it, and I don't want to just gloss over it. Especially since it's a very important moment in her story. Basically I just want to shift the framing device of the transition to both match the story, and give me familiar territory to write with more focus on characters than the process. It provides some moments in story where she can explore the feelings she has with the people around her. Coupled with the fear of her body reverting back, and getting some good moments with her father. He doesn't have a problem with her transitioning he just doesn't understand the concept well. He's similar to the dad in turning red.

But all that aside, I don't want to accidentally make people feel like I'm glossing past the issue. I am cis, I don't have any personal experience with the transition process, so I'm going off what I can gather from the trans friends I have as well as testimonials online. I really want to make sure I do this right and be respectful. And I'm not so attached to this idea that I'd let it ruin my character work. So please, tell me what you think.

If I've said anything that sounds rude or offensive please let me know and I will absolutely fix it. I'm not very familiar with a story this in depth on transitioning and I'm trying to learn so I can be a better more inclusive writer. Thank you!

[boycottyashahime]

Hello! Anti-Sessrin person here. You said if this couple becomes canon it will ruin Sesshomaru's character development. I would love it If you could elaborate on that because you're always so eloquent and smart. It's ok if you don't feel like it, though. Have a nice day!

I've actually been looking for an excuse to sit down and write out a cohesive post on my thoughts about this. Contrary to what the shippers want to believe, my interpretation of Sesshoumaru and Rin's relationship doesn't have anything to do with my moral objections to child grooming. I happen to think there's plenty of evidence for a filial interpretation in the text.

First, I'd like to preface my little essay here by saying I'm going off the manga alone. I haven't seen the anime in a long time, because I dropped it when I got a little tired of trying to reconcile the inconsistencies between the two mediums. So, if you read this and have an impulse to say, "hey, what about that thing in episode such-and-such...", keep in mind that I probably just don't remember what you're thinking of.

So, let's go back, alllll the way back, to Sesshoumaru's first appearance. Here's a guy who tears off a dude's head for no other reason than to get the attention of his subordinates to demand a boat. Here's a guy who's spent a long time looking just about EVERYWHERE for his father's remains, not to pay respects, but to plunder them. Here's a guy who feels ENTITLED to rob his dad's grave for treasure he deserves simply for being his father's son.

Sesshoumaru begins his journey as a selfish, spoiled, entitled brat. He doesn't fit the usual profile of a kid throwing a tantrum on the street because he wants the expensive toy sitting in the window; he's very posh and very reserved, but fundamentally, his motivation comes down to the simple fact that he wants Tessaiga. It doesn't even really have anything to do with respect and admiration of his father, otherwise he wouldn't have been so eager to rifle through dear old dad's bones to get at a sword when he had another heirloom right there at his hip. Only Tessaiga was representative of the sheer destructive force he wanted to wield, so he ignored the fact that his dad didn't seem to want him to have it.

This is important, because at first, Sesshoumaru doesn't seem to think of his father in terms of the guy's intentions or the steps he takes for the sake of his sons. Like most rich spoiled kids, Sesshoumaru views the Inu no Taishou in terms of his prestige and how that priviledge can be appropriated for selfish ends. Sesshoumaru wants Tessaiga not because he needs it, but because it's a birthright, and reinforces his legitimacy. When it's clear that Tessaiga seals Inuyasha's youkai blood, keeps him from going berserk, Sesshoumaru loses interest in Tessaiga - it's just a crutch for Inuyasha, and there's no prestige in taking it from him or using it for himself.

Sesshoumaru doesn't start to REALLY consider his father's intentions for the swords until later in the manga, when it comes out that Tenseiga was originally part of Tessaiga, and Inuyasha was meant to get the Meidou Zangetsuha attack eventually as well. It's at this point that Sesshoumaru starts to question if daddy actually HATED him, to give him a rather neat power disguised in a lame shell, but only to develop it so Inuyasha can have it instead, even after Inuyasha already got Tessaiga in the first place. It kind of looks to Sesshoumaru that Inuyasha gets all the powerful cool shit their father left behind, and that there might have been some favoritism coming down HARD on Inuyasha's side.

Above, you can see Sesshoumaru has two interlinked but distinct issues that are addressed throughout the story - his lack of compassion and empathy, and how tied his identity is to his father's favor and prestige. These two are somewhat separated in the narrative; there's a kind of pause in Sesshoumaru's development while a bulk of the middle of the story deals more with other characters and their development, but there is a little bit of a thematic connection between the two halves.

We'll start with the development of Sesshoumaru's compassion since, well, that's where the story begins working on his character. Right before Rin shows up, Toutousai let's Inuyasha's group in on the sword Sesshoumaru carries around and what it does, indicating that Tenseiga requires a compassionate heart to function. A bit ham-handed, but RT isn't very subtle most of the time, so we'll allow it. This sets up the next few scenes in which Sesshoumaru is unable to move and must play captive audience to a little girl doing the literal opposite of what he's used to. Sesshoumaru's habit is to show up and kill things, with no thought to the years of history, relationships, thoughts, emotions, etc that he's snuffing out. But while he's reclined injured in the woods, Rin demonstrates actual LIFE and the preservation of it, that part Sesshoumaru never gets to see. It's made all the starker by how BAD Rin is at caring for herself, let alone the strange monster she found in the woods. She does exactly nothing to help Sesshoumaru, despite how hard she tries, and is even injured by others in her attempts. She is the very picture of vulnerability, the opposite of the strong and capable Sesshoumaru.

This is a stark contrast, because anything less wouldn't be enough to create the necessary awareness of Rin's struggles that Sesshoumaru needs in order to use Tenseiga on here. And I know I've said this before, but I really cannot stress enough how obvious I think the symbolism is when Sesshoumaru uses Tenseiga for the first time; a phallic object gives life to a child, and the object's owner looks after that life throughout the rest of the story. He's not very good at looking after it, and it's clear that he's not sure about taking responsibility for Rin at first, because she pleaded for him to come back for her when he and Jaken left her behind to requisition a sword from Gaijinbou. To me, it's reminiscent of a teenager who knocked someone up, and ended up having to learn to give a crap about the result.

But, even if you don't accept that symbolism as particularly significant, Rin being a child, and human, and weak, unable to survive on her own, are important characteristics to how Sesshoumaru's compassion develops. Sesshoumaru is one of the strongest characters in the series, and he rarely has to worry about his own safety. And since he's in the habit of just murdering everyone he comes across if they're in his way, he's never had to worry about the safety of anyone else, either. When Rin comes into the picture, though, Sesshoumaru is faced with the uncomfortable reality of vulnerability in general. Through her earnest and incompetent attempts to foster survival in a world that can and does crush her, she's opened his eyes to how the disadvantaged, those without a powerful youkai lineage to rely on, have to struggle.

Rin herself has nothing to offer Sesshoumaru within this context of supreme vulnerability. She's not a friend, because she can't offer mutual support or use a skill to their benefit as a team. She's not a lover, because, well, she's a child and sexual/romantic attraction are conditions that wouldn't allow Sesshoumaru to extend his compassion beyond just her. As a mostly helpless kid, Rin has to rely upon Sesshoumaru and his power to survive, and Sesshoumaru employs his strength to keep her alive, getting nothing but a sweet smile out of it all. She gets all the benefits, he has all the obligations. This is PURE compassion - using one's advantages to another's benefit because you care about them, and not because you derive something from it as well.

This is why making Rin into Sesshoumaru's lover is a REALLY thoughtless take. It puts conditions on the compassion and muddies the message.

Moving onto Sesshoumaru's continued character development in the latter part of the story, the sword drama starts back up with slow, when Toutousai shows up and offers to reforge Tenseiga into a weapon. Sesshoumaru discovers that because he got angry enough to break his primary weapon in defense of Kagura's honor, he's triggered the next evolution of Tenseiga into something that can murder. Which is what he wanted at the beginning, yay! I want to point out here that Toutousai says Tenseiga noticed a change in Sesshoumaru's heart - anger for the first time for the sake of another. This implies that what Jaken said about Sesshoumaru getting tangled up in the fight against Naraku because Naraku kidnapping and using Rin to manipulate Sesshoumaru hurt Sesshoumaru's pride is actually accurate; he just really hated the thought of Naraku trying to use him, even if it was a failed attempt.

After going through HELL to develop the Meidou into a full circle (literally), Sesshoumaru then learns that the Meidou belongs to Tessaiga and Inuyasha, and that it's supposed to be handed over. Now, part of Sesshoumaru's angst over this idea, I think, is not just "did daddy love Inuyasha more?", but also the assumption that Inuyasha would have to KILL him in order to retake the Meidou Zangetsuha into Tessaiga. Thinking that your father meant for your little brother to kill you at some point to take your stuff is a pretty disturbing thought, to be entirely fair to him. This is why, when Sesshoumaru jumps into the meidou to take back control of the Naraku-possessed Tenseiga and breaks it deliberately, he spends the rest of the time in there moodily resigned to disappear. He genuinely believes that his father meant for him to die at this point, and even after they get out of there, he seems genuinely depressed.

This is Sesshoumaru's lowest point as a character. He's lost something he thought his father had meant for him, at his father's own wish, and he can't help but question why his dad would give him something just to take it away and give it to Inuyasha. It looks for all the world like favoritism, and since the Inu no Taishou is dead, there's no asking him what the hell the meaning of all this is.

This is all leading to one of the most infuriatingly ridiculous scenes I have ever seen in a manga - when Magatsuhi has crushed Sesshoumaru and everyone thinks he's been killed/absorbed, Magatsuhi is blown apart and rendered unable to reform by the shiny new sword clutched in Sesshoumaru's newly regrown arm. I could talk your ear off about how having Sesshoumaru stop being an amputee is erasure of consequences for his actions, or how being given back an arm is kind of a slap in the face for actual amputees, and where the mother f*ck did that sword come from anyway, but that's not what this essay is about, so I'll just keep all that to myself. The point of this is articulated by Toutousai when he says that Sesshoumaru had to let go of Tessaiga and his father's heirloom to stand on his own as a daiyoukai.

We've already gone over how Sesshoumaru is one of the most powerful characters in the series, who rarely has to worry about his well-being. He's just really strong without having to try. Sesshoumaru had already learned that he didn't need Tessaiga ages ago - he knew this when he learned that Inuyasha needed Tessaiga to keep from tearing himself apart eventually. But when he thought he had been passed down something from his father that was truly meant to be his, only to put all this work into it so that Inuyasha could have it, that embittered him again. It's not that he wanted the sword necessarily, but the thoughts and consideration of his father, who seemed to be putting everything he had into Inuyasha.

But his previous experiences protecting and considering someone (in some cases, multiple someones) weaker than him should have tipped him off. During the very battle in which he got his new arm and sword, he was actively helping those around him avoid Magatsuhi and keeping them close because he had a plan and the strength to carry it out. He was willing to take the extra step to protect Inuyasha and friends before trying to take care of Magatsuhi though, and that was the point. He put everyone else's needs ahead of his own, even Inuyasha's, and he did it without even thinking.

Toutousai just articulated what Sesshoumaru should have already intuitively known by that point. He never needed his father's heirlooms, the swords, his dad's power. They were unnecessary for him from the start. Inuyasha needed a leg up, because his own BODY could kill him after a while. But Sesshoumaru always had the capability of being great on his own. He just needed to finally separate his ego from who his father was and become his own person; stand on his own as a great youkai. While I don't agree with the execution, I can get behind the big lesson - don't rely on your daddy's wealth and influence to prop you up, and do the work to build a personality and identity of your own.

Which is ANOTHER reason why making Rin into a lover would be a thoughtless take. It would walk back Sesshoumaru's final lesson about being his own person apart from his father.

So, there you go. A comprehensive post regarding my take on Sesshoumaru's character development. I could add in a bit about Sesshoumaru coming to understand his father's consideration and the lengths he went to for the sake of protecting Inuyasha by having to give similar consideration to Rin, but I think this post is long enough, and that one statement on that aspect pretty much sums it up. Let me know if you would like me to elaborate on any of this, or if you would like to argue any of the points, I'm up for it. Might take me a minute to respond, mind you, but hopefully it won't take as long as it did to draft this behemoth.

Take care.

[givemearmstopraywith]

hello! i love your blog a lot, it's aesthetics are beautiful and i find myself drawn to it during what i guess i would call a bit of a religious crisis. i've always considered myself a pagan, felt drawn to old gods and what not, but i'm currently feeling drawn to saints, and I guess the idea of God how he is perceived as a singular God in monotheistic religions, though I will always believe in every spiritual form. i was wondering if you would feel comfortable elaborating a bit on you being drawn to God in the beginning, and maybe a bit on how you worship him? if that is too personal of an ask, please don't worry about it, i just relate to the experiences you have described and would love to hear more of you are okay with sharing.

hello angel. thank you so much for reaching out to me- i’m truly honoured that you trust me enough to reach out to as you enter another phase of your spiritual journey. this isn’t too personal of an ask at all, and i’m genuinely glad you reached out. 

in order to explain all of this i feel i need to give a bit of context to my spirituality. i have an advantage in that growing up i was, essentially, jewish at home, and went to church on sundays. my mother is enormously spiritual and exposed me to both eastern and western religion when i was very young: i think i started reading the bible when i was four. however, i had a major religion crisis when i was in my early teens that eventually turned to pure atheism. i didn’t understand God because i was learning about him in a human way, and a human god doesn’t really make sense. when that felt too hopeless, led to explorations of witchcraft, thelema, hermeticism, and paganism. all of those things still influence my spirituality today because they’re all very closely intertwined, and they are all equally “real”, for lack a better term, in their own way. but they never particularly felt like home for me. like i was wearing a shirt that was just a bit too small. 

two things changed my understanding of God: the first is that God loves, truly loves, every single person, because every single person is part of him. there is not a single person on this earth that i can judge because God loves all of them: God rejects no one unless they act from a place of utter and complete selfishness, which is the epitome of sin. the other is that all faith, all religion, all belief- yes, even atheism- spring from the same source: that is what i call God. i think its reductive to think of God as a singular being. he’s both everything and a single being. this is based on my study of jewish kabbalah, which is a closed practice and thus not something i’m going to go into much detail on here, simply because i don’t want to inspire anyone into reading or learning about something which is exceptionally advanced (it’s too advanced for me, but i came into it the wrong way- you’re not supposed to study it unless you have many years of learning, as i later found out- and now its inextricable from my faith). in any case, this idea of- what you might call- a pluralized God utterly changed my understanding of him. all gods, old and new, are part of one and the same God, who utterly transcends human understanding. all of this preamble is to say that God calls all of us in different but equally valid ways- he calls to one of my friends through hecate, to another through astarte, and he called me specifically through what i grew up with. that is home to me. 

the reason i give this preamble is because for me, worshipping God, from my tradition, is a bit different than what i think is commonly understood. i’ve mentioned before that i don’t go to church; this is partly by choice and partly not. i don’t have an altar, but i do have a place in my room with some saints’ statues and prayer cards, candles, dried flowers: this mimics the kind of ritual i crave from church. i also try to pray every night- i don’t succeed at this as often as i would like, but it is one of the most peaceful, spiritually refreshing things i can do: but this isn’t so much worship as communion. it’s hard to explain how i worship God because i try to make everything i do a form of worship. God has utterly subsumed me, so i feel conscious that everything i do and think is cradled in his hand. nothing i do is separate from him. so my friendships are a form of worship, the way i love people is a form of worship, loving myself is also a form of worship and it’s very, very difficult. i try live completely consciously- i fail spectacularly, but i’m trying. i am braided to God. i don’t take time out to worship and i make no offerings, because i am the offering: my heart is the offering and i let him eat it. and it is somehow a very pure, very true love, because he offers his own heart to me and that sustains me in turn. the saints are right in the way their writing of God sounds like falling in love: i am utterly in love with God and i know that no one on earth will love me like God can love me. saints often feel like friends, in that their understanding of God matches my own: i have a number that i feel especially drawn to, but- and this is probably a weird comparison- it’s a bit like drawing tarot: some saints i feel exceptionally compelled towards, some i don’t, and that is how i built the coterie of saints who i study. (i don’t pray to saints, but i do look to their words for guidance.) this is turning into a bit of a ramble now, and i really hope i’ve answered your questions, but please don’t hesitate to drop me another message if you want to talk about this more! i wish you so much goodness on this journey. 

[klapollopilled]

Guess who found the (possibly) most ridiculous Megaman article ever. (WARNING: VERY LONG.)

So I was scrolling down Google because I was bored, I have a tendency to type in some of my favorite things onto the search bar and see what comes up, in this case, I typed in something like "megaman x zero" or something, this was like... 5 months ago? Shortly before I started using Tumblr.

Now, this particular article came up after pressing the "more results" button a couple of times, a little bit of context: I'm from Indonesia, so I dunno whether it was just because Google knows where I live that caused the article to show up quickly.

The article was on an Indonesian site called "KINCIR", a site I rarely visited, if I'm being honest, it was called, "7 Karakter Terbaik dari Franchise Mega Man yang Sangat Ikonis", which translates to "7 Iconic Characters from the Mega Man Franchise."

Anyway, I decided to read the article, and hoo boy, this was an amusing read.

Here's a link, I'll be copy-pasting parts of the article and then translating it into English.

(PS: The article was published on the 10th of October last year, and just for the sake of it I'm gonna point out the numerous mistakes the article made, after typing out the translation of each section.)

Trust me, I was cringing all throughout the proccess of reading this.

ORIGINAL:

"Menyambut perilisan game baru Mega Man 11 yang rilis di awal bulan ini, gimana kalau kita sedikit retrospeksi mengenal lagi karakter-karakter ikonis yang ada di waralaba ini? Beberapa karakter tersebut adalah protagonis maupun antagonis yang kita temukan di dalam gamenya. Nuansa dunia futuristik dan karakter robot dengan senjata canggih membuat serial ini memang jadi favorit banyak orang."

TRANSLATION:

"Welcoming the release of Mega Man 11 that will release early this month, what if we did a little retrospective on the iconic characters from this franchise? Some of these characters can be protagonists and/or antagonists that we see in the games, the nuance of a futuristic world and robotic characters with sophisticated weapons makes this series a favorite of many people."

Doesn't seem too far off the mark, until we get into the actual list itself...

ORIGINAL:

1. Mega Man/X

"Karakter biru yang menjadi ikon Mega Man ini akhirnya mendapatkan kode yang menjadi namanya yaitu, X di salah satu game terbaiknya, Mega Man ZX. Sebelumnya, kita mengenal robot biru ini dengan sebutan Mega Man saja atau Rockman untuk serial dari Jepang. Dia adalah wajah waralaba game yang sudah populer sejak 30 tahun lalu. Di hampir semua gamenya, kemampuannya untuk bisa menembakkan energi dari tangan kanannya enggak berubah dan jadi ciri khas yang bikin dia sangat terkenal. Wajar saja kalau dia jadi langganan kalau Mega Man diangkat ke seri crossover seperti Smash Bros atau Marvel VS Capcom."

TRANSLATION:

1. Mega Man/X

"The blue character that has become the icon of Mega Man finally recieved the code that changed him into X in one of the greater games in the series, Mega Man ZX, before that, we knew the blue robot as just Mega Man, or Rockman in Japan, he is the face of a franchise that has been popular for 30 years, in almost all of his games, his main ability is being able to shoot balls of energy from his right hand, this has never changed and has made him more well-known, it's only fair that he is used a lot in other games like Smash Bros. and Marvel vs. Capcom."

ISSUES:

-Ahhh, yes, claiming that X and Rock are the same character is surely a great way to start the list!

-"...changed his name to X in one of he greater games in the series, Mega Man ZX.", Apparently the X series doesn't exist, even so, again, X and the original Mega Man are not the same character.

-Minor nitpick here, but according to the article, "his main ability is being able to shoot small balls of energy from his right hand", with no mention whatsoever to his Buster.

ORIGINAL:

2. Zero

"Karakter protagonis yang biasanya muncul pertama sebagai penjahat ini bisa dibilang sebagai karakter terbaik dan paling keren. Kepribadiannya yang acuh tak acuh ini jadi tekanan cerita yang menarik. Meski X selalu berusaha menjadi teman untuknya, Zero selalu menganggap dirinya sebagai lone wolf alias enggak perlu orang lain untuk mendukungnya. Di beberapa kesempatan, Zero jadi karakter sekunder yang bisa pemain pakai untuk bertualang. Ini mengganti sudut pandang pertarungan menjadi terkesan lebih beat-em-up karena senjata dan kemampuan Zero yang bertumpu pada jarak dekat."

TRANSLATION:

2. Zero

"A protagonist who first appeared as a villain is now arguably one of the greatest and coolest characters, his indifferent personality is a compelling part of the story. Although X tries to be friendly towards him, Zero always sees himself as a lone wolf who doesn't need anyone to support him. On several occasions, he is a secondary playable character that players can use, this changes the gameplay to a more "beat-em-up" style because his weapons have a shorter range."

ISSUES:

-This seems more like a miswording, but Zero did not debut as a villain, rather he originated as one, but we were not shown until X4.

-"...he always thinks of himself as a lone wolf who doesn't need anyone to support him." Sigh... Y'know what? Lemme throw in some quotes said by the Maverick Hunter himself.

"You don't need to worry. Even though we are far away, I have a feeling that I've been protected by his power. We'll get through this." -Zero in Xtreme 2, to Iris, referring to X.

"So be it... But that's why we are the best partners... I'll do what you want... Rest for a while. I will handle it, you can count on me. I won't stop! When an enemy appears... I'll terminate it..." -Zero in Mega Man Zero, to X.

...What did you say about him being a lone wolf and not needing any support from others, author?

ORIGINAL:

3. Dr. Light & Dr. Willy

"Sebagai robot, Mega Man diciptakan oleh dua ilmuwan yakni Dr. Light dan Dr. Willy. Pemain akan menemukan Dr. Light sebagai sosok ayah yang mengenalkan Mega Man kepada dunia dan kelihatan tampil sebagai hologram yang membantu Mega Man dalam perjalanannya. Dia menjadi tokoh yang memberikan Mega Man senjata-senjata baru untuk membantu Mega Man menyelesaikan petualangannya.

Di lain sisi, Dr. Willy adalah antagonis dan mantan asisten Dr. Light yang cemburu karena namanya enggak bersinar dan orang hanya mengingat sosok Thomas Light. Kecemburuannya menuntun dia untuk memprogram ulang Mega Man untuk membantunya mengambil alih dunia. Untungnya, Mega Man mendapat pencerahan dari Light lewat sistem back-up dan meraih kesadarannya untuk menggagalkan rencana Dr. Willy."

TRANSLATION:

3. Dr. Light & Dr. Willy

"As a robot, Mega Man was created by two scientists, namely Dr. Light and Dr. Willy. Players will find Dr. Light as a father figure to Mega Man who introduced him to the world and appears as a hologram to help Mega Man on his journey, he gives Mega Man new weapons to help on his adventure.

On the other hand, Dr. Willy is the antagonist of the series and the former assistant of Dr. Light, who became jealous because Light got all the recognition, his jealousy lead him to reprogram Mega Man to help him take over the world. Thankfully, Mega Man was brought back to his original programming by Dr. Light through a back-up system and thwarted Dr. Willy's plans."

ISSUES:

-"Mega Man was created by two scientists, namely Dr. Light and Dr. Willy."

Uhhh...Proto Man much?

-D'you wanna know why I made Willy bold? IT'S BECAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE "WILY", WITH ONE L! THE AUTHOR COULDN'T GET HIS NAME RIGHT! I wouldn't even be mad if it was spelt as "Wiley", given that some official materials spell his name that way.

-"appears as a hologram...he gives new weapons to help Mega Man on his adventure."

Um, nope, sorry, that's X, and he doesn't really give out new weapons, he gives out armor parts.

-"Dr. Willy is the antagonist of the series and the former assistant of Dr. Light."

Again, minor nitpick, but they were colleauges, working together, on the same level.

-"...His jealousy lead him to reprogram Mega Man to help him take over the world."

Quint? What are you doing here? This doesn't happen untill much later!

-"Thankfully, he was brought back to his original programming by Dr. Light through a back-up system-"

Just...no.

ORIGINAL:

4. Shadow

"Selain Zero, tokoh antagonis yang juga jadi baik dan membantu Mega Man dalam petualangannya adalah sosok Shadow atau Shadow Man. Salah satu robot humanoid yang mempunyai kemampuan dan ciri khas seperti ninja ini bisa dimainkan oleh pemain dalam beberapa kesempatan. Dia punya kemampuan unik untuk kebal dari duri dan bisa melemparkan senjata khusus ang membantu Mega Man dan Zero untuk berjalan lebih jauh."

TRANSLATION:

4. Shadow

"Besides Zero, another antagonist that later reformed was Shadow or Shadow Man. A humanoid robot who reseembles and has the characteristics of a ninja who can ocassionally be playable, he has the special ability to be immume to spikes and can throw special weapons that help Mega Man and Zero go further."

ISSUES:

-If you read the article via the link, you should know that the article seems to be talking about Shadow from Command Mission and Shadow Man from Mega Man 3 as if they were the same character, and yet they use a picture of X'S SHADOW ARMOR in the article...oh god.

-How the hell is Shadow OR Shadow Man an antagonist turned good guy?

-They aren't playable, unless the author is talking about the Shadow Armor, even then the Shadow Armor isn't a character.

-"...can throw special weapons that help Mega Man and Zero go further."

Huh?

ORIGINAL:

5. Fenri Lunaedge

"Banyak karakter baru yang berubah di jalan cerita yang berkembang di dunia Mega Man. Ini berdampak kepada perubahan karakter-karakter musuh yang diganti di beberapa kesempatan. Semenjak serial Mega Man memperkenalkan jalan cerita Mega Man - X ada komplotan penjahat yang dikenal dengan sebutan Mutos Reploid. Sala satu Mutos Reploid yang paling ikonis adalah Fenri yang berwujud serigala. Dengan bisa memanipulasi es, setiap stage bernuansa dunia salju pasti berkesan kalau kita bisa menemukan Fenri di akhir perjalanannya."

TRANSLATION:

5. Fenri Lunaedge

"There are many new characters that change in the Mega Man storyline, this impacts the enemies that are changed in the games occasionally, after the Mega Man universe introduced the Mega Man X storyline, there's a gang of villains known as the Mutos Reploids, one of the most iconic Mutos Reploids is Fenri, who takes the form of a wolf and can manipulate ice, each stage with the nuance of snow is truly memorable if we can find Fenri at the end of the journey."

ISSUES:

-Oh, so the X series does exist, BUT FENRI'S A ZERO CHARACTER!

-"The enemies that are changed in the games occasionally."

Uhhh, if you mean regular bosses, those are changed nearly every game.

-Ever since when were the Mutos Reploids a gang?

-That part around the end...huh?

ORIGINAL:

6. Proto-Man

"Selain X dan adiknya, Roll, Dr. Light juga menciptakan salah satu robot yang sangat kuat yakni Proto-Man. Dia adalah robot pertama yang dibuat oleh Dr. Light. Untungnya, Proto Man jadi sosok kakak yang mendukung Mega Man untuk bisa mengalahkan Dr. Willy dan enggak menjadi jahat. Kekuatannya yang bisa dibilang cukup kuat dia gunakan untuk kebaikan. Meski bersembunyi dalam bayang-bayang, Proto-Man akan datang membantu X ketika dia dibutuhkan."

TRANSLATION:

6. Proto-Man

"Other than X and his younger sister, Roll, Dr. Light also created an exceptionally powerful robot named Proto Man, he was the first robot Dr. Light had ever built, Proto Man is an older brother to Mega Man who supports him in defeating Dr. Wily and has never become an enemy, he instead keeps using his power for good, although he hides in the shadows, he helps X when it's necessary."

ISSUES:

-Author, please understand that Mega Man and X are different characters.

-Roll is not really a younger sister, she was built alongside Rock, technically making her his twin.

-"...has never become an enemy." Break Man would like to talk with you.

ORIGINAL:

7. Omega

"Dalam cerita yang ada di Mega Man, ada satu ciptaan Dr. Willy yang sangat berbahaya. Dia adalah Omega, reploid yang diciptakan untuk menyatukan dunia baru yang dikontrol oleh robot. Dengan kekuatan dan ukuran yang sangat besar, Omega jadi salah satu Boss penting di beberapa seri seperti Megaman 3 dan Megaman ZX. Dia juga bisa menjadi Omega Fusion yang dibentuk dari X, Zero dan dirinya sendiri yang membuatnya jadi reploid paling kuat dan bisa menghancurkan apapun."

TRANSLATION:

7. Omega

"In Mega Man lore, there's a particular creation of Dr. Wily who is extremely dangerous, he is Omega, a Reploid created to make a world ruled by robots. With his great strength and size, Omega has become an important boss in several games like Mega Man 3 and Mega Man ZX. He can also fuse with X and Zero to become an even stronger Reploid that is capable of destroying everything."

ISSUES:

-Omega wasn't created by Dr. Wily, he was already long dead by then, he was created by Dr. Weil.

-Omega didn't even exist in the time of Mega Man 3, let alone be a boss in that game.

-Omega cannot fuse with other Reploids, the article may be referring to the Biometals, but even then, only Model X can fuse with other Biometals, and it is impossible for a 3-Biometal-Fusion if I remember correctly.

Whoever wrote this article must've not actually touched enough lore to make this list, I'm not trying to insult the author, I'm just saying it's very misinformative.

And why have weird choices like Shadow and Fenri Lunaedge? They aren't nearly as iconic as Tron Bonne, Green Biker Dude, Bass, Axl or Lan, have you ever met someone, asked them, "do you know what Mega Man is?" And hear them reply with, "Oh yeah! That video game series with Fenri Lunaedge!"

This list was weird.

[sepdet]

Really good screenwriting tip by David Wappel on Twitter that also applies to other kinds of writing, including comics. Unrolled:

THREAD ALERT

Fellow screenwriters!

A thread on writing action lines, with special attention paid to word order and what I call "anchoring" nouns.

These tools are part of my process, and I’m not advocating for them over anything else. I just want to share some of the things I think about as I write.

Here we go!

Let's start off with what I think action lines are aimed to accomplish:

1. Describe what is happening.

2. Describe how we see what is happening.

A lot of the scripts I read from aspiring writers often focus solely on 1. More experienced writers focus on 1 and 2. The best writers do both, but hide 2 so you don't even realize it’s happening.

1 is important. It's the story.

But 2 can help the way you tell it.

And that’s what I’m going to focus my thread on, and hopefully illuminate how craft can allow you to make those choices in the script, without bumping the reader out of the story.

Alright, so we're focusing on "how we see what's happening"

The first thing to discuss is the ongoing debate over "We see" and all its forms.

As I said, I'm not here to advocate for one thing over another. Generally, I try to avoid "we see" (though I use it twice in my latest spec) mainly because I think it's implied in the fact that it's a screenplay. In most cases of "we see" it can be struck and nothing is lost.

"We see a bushel of apples under a tree." could just as easily be "A bushel of apples sits under a tree."

I think "we see" works is when you need to explicitly limit the audiences view. So you're more describing the fact that they "only see" what is right there.

We see a single flower. It stands alone in the center of muddy, war-torn No Man's Land as mortars kick dirt into the air.

It's important to clarify we only see the flower at first, otherwise the reveal isn't as powerful.

Ok, so that’s a quick bit on “we see” but now I want to talk about what I really came here to talk about:

these things that I call “anchoring nouns”

An “anchoring” noun provides the unit in which I want the reader to interpret the visuals I’m presenting. It is the noun that “anchors” the reader to how they should be picturing what is unfolding.

While remembering that I totally made up this nomenclature, an “anchoring” noun (AN) can be defined as the first noun you encounter which provides context for the size of the action you’re being asked to hold in your brain.

From my experience, the human brain doesn’t do anything more than it needs to. It’s super lazy (or super efficient depending on the water in your glass).

So if I say “picture an apple” you’re only going to picture an apple. You’re likely not going to picture an apple hanging from a branch of an apple tree, or in the mouth of a pig at a luau. You’re probably just going to picture the apple.

And that apple picture is of a certain size: just big enough for the apple.

This is where you can ask: What camera shot contains this noun? Is it really, really far away? Probably not. Are you so close, you can only see a part of it? Also probably not.

It’s probably just big enough to see the apple. Might be what’s considered a close-up. So without mentioning a camera at all, your brain is actually creating a shot size.

If I say “the stem of an apple” you’re likely picturing just the stem. (ECU)

If I say “An apple” you’re likely picturing an apple. (CU)

If I say “Five apples” maybe we move to a MCU

A bushel of apples.

A row of apple bushels.

An orchard. (EW)

But all those things have an apple in them.

I’m trying to use ANs to orient you to what they are.

(stem, apple, five apples, bushel, row, orchard)

The AN is (with a few exceptions) the first noun you encounter, which provides context for the size of the action you’re being asked to hold in your brain (because remember, you’re not going to hold more than necessary, you lazy-brained human)

So in one case, that AN may be “apple,” but in another it’s “bushel,” and in another it’s “row” These are the first nouns the reader encounters in that description...until another one bumps them off. (More on that later.)

Ok, now at this point, some of you may be thinking, “But there’s no action there. You’re just describing things in different sizes. That’s not screenwriting.”

You’re right, so let’s put this notion into practice.

Read the following.

Sally reaches into her back pocket.

Her hand slips into her back pocket.

Both describe the same action, but you’ll likely see them differently.

In the first, “Sally” is the AN. You may picture anywhere from a MW to a MCU, but generally, you’re probably picturing a person.

In the second example, “hand” is the AN. Most likely you’re picturing a CU.

Neither one is inherently better than the other, but understanding how we interpret words into images can help you make choices that have different dramatic effects.

It’s also worth noting that I had to change the verb to fit the noun. Reaching is an action that generally involves the shoulder, arm, and hand, so using that verb will almost always trigger a wider shot in the brain. But a hand slipping, that’s subtle, and small.

Is this “directing on the page?” I think yes and no. On set, the actress just has to get something from her back pocket. She can do it however she wants. Also, the director can shoot this however they want. But at this point, as the writer you ARE the actress and director.

So act and direct how you think this story should best be told.

When it’s time, they’ll come in and do their jobs, and hopefully that collaboration will yield results better than any of you could’ve done on your own.

Alright, so that’s ANs.

Now let’s talk about word order.

Your word order can help suggest camera moves, edits, tone, you name it.

In my writing, first and foremost, I try to use an AN to orient the reader to the shot they’re looking at.

Then, I try to move through the action using...

word order

grammar

sentence structure

...to suggest camera moves and edits.

Below are five different ways to write the same action.

Each have the slug line INT. KITCHEN.

How do you interpret the camera moves and edits (if any) in each example below?

John scrubs dishes in an empty kitchen.

In an empty kitchen, John stands alone at the sink. Scrubbing dishes.

A sponge swirls on a dirty plate. John scrubs away over the sink. Alone in an empty kitchen.

As he washes the plates, John sighs, alone over the kitchen sink, the table behind him covered with ten more dirty plates.

SCRUB. SCRUB. John’s eyes look up, and out the window. A sigh. He returns to his scrubbing.

Disclaimer: In no way am I saying that there is a 1-to-1 with the way things are written and their visual interpretation. As in all things screenwriting, there are no “rules.” I’m just saying that certain writing is going to suggest different visual tones for the same action.

Now, look at the difference between the first example and the last. In the first, the action of scrubbing the dishes seem to be the important thing to notice.

But in the last, it’s about his emotional reaction. I don’t mention dishes.

(Yes, the other examples primed you for dishwashing. I may have gotten a freebie there. Depending on context, I may or may not be able to do it in the script.)

Alright, remember when I said that a new AN can bump you off an old one. (Do you? Lazy-brained human?) Let’s look at one of the examples above to see it in action. Let’s look at the third one, which I’ll repeat here.

A sponge swirls on a dirty plate. John scrubs away over the sink. Alone in an empty kitchen.

I think this is clearly communicating three shots, in specific order. The sponge on the plate. John, the holder of the sponge. The empty kitchen. Each new sentence has a new AN to trigger you to see something else, and this time I’m going from CU to a W.

The new AN’s “bump” you off the previous one, and you’re just seeing images, one after another. So you never have to worry about a reader getting visually stuck in one shot, unless you want them too…

A sponge swirls on a dirty plate under running water. The sponge stops. A sigh. The water runs. The plate and sponge are put down, unfinished in the sink. SQUEAK. The water stops.

Hopefully, that keeps you visually rooted in the sink. (Once again, you already have some context, so I’m getting some freebies there with what’s going on, but hopefully you understand the concept I’m going for.)

In summary, your action lines should be doing more for you than just describing what’s happening. They should describe how we see what’s happening, and hopefully some of the things I’ve said can help you think about how you might achieve that in your work.

I should note here, that in my process, this is one of the last things I do. When the characters and story are working (1), this is a fun tool you can pull out to orient the reader and communicate camera and shots (2).

I’ll end with a metaphor that I often think about when I think about the act of screenwriting. I think of a screenwriter as a sculptor. And I used to think that the screenplay is the sculpture, but I don’t think that fully captures what we do.

I’d say what’s more accurate is that you’re the sculptor, and the reader’s emotional journey is the sculpture. Words are your chisel, and the screenplay is the act of chiseling.

Everyone else’s job on a film is to use magic to bring the sculpture to actual life.

If this helped you in anyway, feel free to retweet and share.

And please let me know how you all are thinking about action lines! I love hearing nifty little tricks and paradigms for the nuts and bolts of screenwriting craftwork!

Write on!

- David

[africanfemalearchitects]

AFA Open-Chat Series with Tosin Oshinowo pt.2

Tosin: We are a very interesting conundrum, as a continent. We are a series of ethnicities, that were divided into countries in 1835. There isn't a singular identity for Nigerian, Congo, or Uganda or Ghana. We are a series of cultural groups, who by the lining of a boundary line of a country, have been told 'go, and become a standardized identity'. It doesn't exist. In Nigeria we have so many different cultures, if I go to the North, South or West - even what should have been our vernacular, is not the same. It's based on the terrains, it is based on the people, it is based on traditions.

This question of identity is one that I think is terribly fluid; and we were brought into modernism. Modernism was populated across the whole world not just in Africa, yes, in many terms it took the climate into consideration : modernism in Europe look absolutely different from Modernism in Tropical, to North and South Africa; and there are certain consistencies of modernism. But if we are looking for specific identities: I think we are just beginning to see that.

Covid came in as a material, and completely changed the game everywhere. Most of us, we are still building in concrete; a lot of the West builds with steel and they've got more advanced materials. We are stuck in the materials of early modernism, and we are now beginning to appropriate and create identities based off that. Although no one has really documented here, you start to see elements of identities when you step back; and you've to step back. And it's always at the end of a movement that you can actually see and categorize it as such. If I look at Architecture in Nigeria from the 80's, it's very specific and you can actually categorize it as such: the materials that were used and the scaling of the building tells me that. If I look at a building from the Northeast in Nigeria, you can tell that that was a period: by that type of windows that were used, spaces, and the finishes. We do have something, but it's not that distinct. That kind of vernacular and identity is a transition. But in a world where we have a globalization exposure; somebody who lives in Nigeria wants a house they saw in Florida. You've, then, to find interesting ways to carry that cultural identity in modern-day context. Yes, I do think there are nuances of identity but they're not strong in terms of very-striking particular form. Moderator: With a number of architects in Nigeria, do you visually see an impact of the presence of architects currently in your country?

Tosin: I don't think so, but it's not because there are no architects, but how projects are executed. For example, there was an upgrade of an existing train station that was inaugurated recently by our President. But this was done by Chinese contractors, and it doesn't look anything like where it is located; it could've been a spaceship that was just dropped in. There was absolutely no local context included in it; and even the Institute were not aware. When you look at Singapore, there was a big emphasis on marrying local and foreign architects; and there was a cross of information. You can't improve a profession, if you don't allow them to be part of innovative process. When that happens, what value does it add or make of us, if no local consultancy is involved? That biggest impact to show a strong physicality norm of infrastructure on a government-led project, where the government is not involving local practitioners then you can't see the impact. Moderator: We are dealing with the same issues here in Rwanda, we are struggling to make understand the importance of having an architect in the community. Tosin: As Africans we need to make an effort to upscale ourselves as well. Some areas, some architects are still drawing-by-hand. Who's going to call you when you're drawing-by-hand. There are no excuses today. With the information age, everything is online. If you want to learn something, you can learn it. Software companies aren't accommodating to the situation that we have in this part of the world. If you look at a dollar and naira; the naira is like a nonexistent entity that happens to be a dot in the atmosphere compared to a dollar. When you earn in a country with a slightly lower GDP, if you look at GDP per capita, the reality is that the economy is going to determine how much people can afford to build, and to pay towards professionals' fees. If the software is x amount, how do you expect a local consultant to pay for it? Because in this market you cannot command a high fee. What I'd expect is that for these programmers and software companies were really thinking about the professionals; they would make it affordable for a local person because they won't have to kill themselves to get a Revit license. What you happen to have here in a lot of situations, is that people just use bootlegs; but the problem with that is you're not part of the community. When innovations are happening, when new programs are being added, you're not even aware of that information. Information is there, but that barrier of money is also very present. Moderator: We need to raise awareness of that issue, especially even for students; as soon as they graduate they're not going to be able to afford it right away.

Tosin: They need to scale it for us based on economies. I know the West doesn't consider us. For example, if buying an Iphone in Nigeria is different than buying an Iphone in Europe. Some people's whole salary here is the price of an Iphone and less. And they have a better system on how to acquire these things. We are in a skewed environment, but it is still much better than what it would have been in the 60's.

Moderator: Looking then, architects were sketching to the last detail of a building. Do you think we should still invest ourselves in that way? Tosin: We live in a global world, and Africa is left much farther and farther behind. It's worrying how much attention is not being paid to it. I was looking at a project done by Mass Design and they're doing a lot of work in Africa. One of the biggest selling-point is that they have skills, and exposure to research that a local practitioners doesn't have. This is a good age for an American Firm to give back, and they're a not-for-profit organization and it's of value, with policy about social change. It's a good thing, but the reality irrespective if they were doing it or not, these are necessary projects: schools hospitals, etc.. These are necessary projects irrespective if a foreign company was coming in, it has to be done! But the government are more willing to give that project to a foreign consultant because they have the skills. Even not just the government, a private client in Nigeria will pay a lot of money to a foreign consultant because they believe they are getting the best. What happens to people who are pushing boundaries, who are trying to produce work that is global anywhere? This puts you in an awkward position.

If we don't upscale ourselves, we are going to get further and further behind. Those who have the choice, will rather not use local consultancy. This is not just based on being a good designer, it's about being conscious of what's happening globally. It's about exposing ourselves on technology, and innovation; and bringing that into your work as well. Moderator: It's a competitive market. Tosin: Yes, and I think this is something architects don't realize: you can't tell anyone how to spend their money. It is a market and it's an open market. The sooner we realize that we must equip ourselves with skills to stay ahead, then we will put ourselves in a better position. Moderator: I hope students are listening. Get into the most complicated and innovative way of design and build, and excel in that; and do something that local markets aren't doing currently. I have been 5 years in the career, and I know, I'm still far and I'm pushing myself to learn and excel at these. I'm really glad you highlighted it. How would you advise women architects to invest in their career? Tosin: I think everybody needs to understand the importance of strategies in life, and not just in the profession - especially; as a woman. How many children do you want? Do you want children? Have you thought about how you'll balance life with having children with work? Will there be a point where you'll focus more on your children? Will you be doing half and half? Everybody's approach is different, but you must be intentional. You can't just let life happen to you. You have to decide, 'what do I want?'. When I look back in 30 years, what do I want to have achieved? If you don't have a class strategy or a plan, then that's the beginning of failure; because life will happen to you. And there's no right or wrong. But whatever decision you make, you must make a conscious decision. If you want to be a stay-at-home mom, there's nothing wrong with that - but decide that's what you wanted. If you want to be a working professional with working children, decide that's what you want, and again, there's no right or wrong. For any person who's at the beginning of their career, look at your goals, and make conscious decisions. And follow through! Life will change your plans. I always get confused when I see people letting life just happen to them. How did you not think? And the sad thing is life is very short. I'm 41 now. I see people who are 26, and I tell them, go turn the world! And they' tell me they don't have the time. You have all the time in the world. The older you get, the more you realize that this journey is very short. I'm already half-way, and eventually things are going to start working properly. I've 20 years of professionalism, I've done half of it. Am I happy with the decision I made? Will I continue on this path? Even on my journey, I'm conscious of the decision, I've made, and what I'm trying to achieve. And ultimately, one of my biggest goals is I want to leave a legacy of work. And this is just for me, it might not be somebody else's plan. But I want my great-great-grand-children to know that their great-great-grand-mother added value. I don't want my country to put a plaque on my name, but my children's children who did not meet me, know that their grandma was hard-working. That for me is enough, and that means that I have done my job.

Moderator: Definitely, and I'll check again, but I haven't seen another African woman who has been featured this much, either on Archdaily or other things as well. You are being intentional. Tosin: Yes, even as a practice now, when I see what I've achieved, I wonder what can I achieve on a global stage? How do I start building networks, and tactical points on how I can build a project in this region? It's no longer impossible in mind. And I've realized that there's so much you can do, without being in a fixed location. I realize now I can work in a global capacity. BurnaBoy won a grammy. For Nigeria, that means a lot. Talent has no geography. If you're good at what you do, the world will come and look for you . Moderator: You have to have a target. As an architect, do I want to stick to what's existing or do I want to do more than that? Tosin: There's nothing wrong with that. Because everybody can't be the super-star; that's the reality. There has to be a place for everyone. Just be intentional. And as you excel, you can check where you want to go next. We all have different paths. Moderator: Whichever level you're at, try to improve what's existing and make an impact; and that's what our career is about. What can architects do, to improve Gender Equity in the profession? What are males can do to level your ground? Tosin: We don't live in Utopia. If you are waiting for people to give you a seat at the table, go and take the chair yourself. No one is going to handle you anything. We have this problem in Nigeria, everybody is waiting for government; what can you do, yourself? Don't wait for anyone. Do what you can do within the limits of your environment. People who are successful do not wait for hand-downs, as they do not get you anywhere. We are born into different situations. Moderator: What practices can someone do professionally and personally to find their niche in the architectural field.

Tosin: That's a very open-ended question. Look at your strengths and your weaknesses. Make sure you try to amplify your strengths. As a professional, you must need balance. Moderator: What career advice would you give to fresh graduates? Tosin: Go work for someone first. Learn the ropes. It's a lot easier to start under tutelage of somebody else. Learn from somebody else's mistakes. When you have gained a certain level of confidence, you can step out on your own. Moderator: What thoughts would you like to share with the world, about the importance of inclusivity? Tosin: I don't like to wait for the world, but the profession could be more inclusive, not just for the female architects but for the African architects, in general. We have always been at a large disadvantage, as innovation is happening in the fourth revolution, we are getting further and further behind. I'm very conscious of it, because I'm paying attention. For the example I gave of Autodesk, actually looking at the realities of our economies of scale, and pricing the software to something that we can afford, would be a massive help. Those are things we don't control.

Moderator: I think we have got everything covered for this interview, Tosin; I can't thank you enough. Tosin: I also want to thank you. I started following you because particularly I was interested to see what other women were doing. I was pleasantly surprised that I'm not alone in this. It's nice to see other people doing interesting things as well; and it's a warming feeling to know that you're not alone. And I really enjoy your Instagram Page. Moderator: Thank you very much. How accessible are you, and how can young architects reach you, for mentorship and more career advices? Tosin: It's becoming a little difficult to be honest. I do have some people I do mentor now. I have someone I mentor from Bahamas, London, and in Lagos. It's becoming a little difficult with everything that I'm handling. If you send me an email, and you have a very specific question, I'll always answer because I know the importance of the people who also supported me when I was a young professional, and please be very specific. Moderator: On this topic, I actually love this mentorship rotation you do on your sites Tosin: On Thursday's every two weeks, I try to carry people along. I was actually surprised about how many people followed with a thousands of views on Instastory. Even highlighting the sites that way online is useful. If you're interested, please continue to watch that. I didn't realize it was a thing, but I know it's a thing. Moderator: It's very much a great thing you're doing! Thank you so much for your time Tosin, if we have more questions we will cover them in other series in the future. We are thankful to have you as an advisor, and your enthusiasm is really great for us - I wouldn't be here otherwise. Tosin: And keep it up as well! Thank you so much for having me! Thank you for reading and to everyone who participated in this live and is supporting this platform and helping it grow. Written & Edited by Lise Isaro, founder of AFA. Published 21 August 2021

[bartsugsy]

Oh Lo. Please teach me your ways. I mean I'm not even overly negative about everything, but how can you always be so excited./see the positives with each new spoiler/quote? I wish I could lol. Cos seriously, IM's definition of 'fun' and mine appear to be vastly different. This mainly boring scheming Robert plpt continues into next year? We're not getting a reunion til 2018 are we? Lord, they really want to test our patience don't they? Have we not paid are dues yet? haha! Who's exit you think?

do you know what anon, it’s weird, but i was actually thinking about what i would say to someone earlier today, if they asked me how i tend to stay positive???? it’s like our brains just know sometimes lmao - but that’s why you’re about to get a weirdly deep answer instead of what i usually say here

and honestly, i was thinking about this because i was thinking about life in general and how much i believe in the power of positive thinking? and how incredibly well it works? in fandom terms particularly, it’s a life saviour - in life it’s can be a lot more of a struggle to remind yourself but yk we’re not getting that deep we’re just talking about a soap

i get that it sounds like bullshit, but it works for me literally every single time. i’ve found that complaining about things is literally giving voice to negative thoughts and giving voice to negative thoughts is giving power so that they can breed more negative thoughts and before you know it, you’re sinking down this weird self-made hole of sadness - and not only that, but it spreads to other people, because humans are like feelings sponges and we feed off other people’s emotions a lot - it’s hard to be the lone person feeling one way in a room of people feeling the other. it’s like subconscious peer pressure.

but then the opposite - looking at the positives, being as steadfast and determined and strict with yourselves to look at the good sides of everything, is fucking life changing. there are like one thousand and one ted talks on this - like, you wouldn’t believe how many damn ted talks there are. anyway, because i was in this weird mood this morning and reflecting on it, i watched one that used a quote from wayne dyer - “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

THIS IS SO EMBARRASINGLY DEEP FOR WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A CONVERSATION ABOUT FLIPPIN EMMERDALE SPOILERS BUT IT’S TRUE OK 

it’s true. if i look at spoilers andlook for the positives and literally refuse to give voice to the negative, pullmyself back to the positives whenever i do, and beyond that encourage thatpositivity in others through humour or happy thoughts so that maybe it spreads - and if i do it enough times that it becomes natural to me, a natural response to anything and everything, then… well… everything gets a hell of a lot more fun and enjoyable and those things that maybe i once thought were negative and worrying somehow turn into positives. and that’s not me desperately trying to tell myself something is good - it just genuinely does become something that inspires good feelings in me, happiness and excitement and whatever. i can’t really explain how well it works - you have to experience it. but like now? now i literally fucking love that rob and rebecca had a one night stand lmao. like. i love that god damn story beat so much. it’s just about changing the way you look at things - so when i used to look at that scene, all i ever saw was jfc why i don’t actually want this - but after really and honestly thinking about it in every way, by about acknowledging that i can’t change it and then looking at it from every angle, i look at that scene now and i see the show committing to showing just how affect robert is about everything, and also playing out a soap trope in what is literally the most shippy way possible. i see a scene that is, perversely, entirely about robert’s love for aaron and also a scene that gives me a great look at who robert is as a character and the way he reacts in situations. 

it sounds ridiculous? like, it really god damn does, but like… actually, why does it matter if it sounds ridiculous if i’m having fun and hopefully making other people smile occasionally lmao

also, beyond this, i’m also all about accepting the things i cannot change - and the writing of emmerdale? that’s a thing i cannot change. so why fight it? why not just buckle in and enjoy the ride? what the hell else am i gonna do? 

so yeah, anyway, it’s not about paying dues or anything, it’s not about making us suffer for our crimes of loving too much lmaooo  - they’re just…. it’s a soap and they’re telling a story that ultimately has robert and aaron interacting regularly and still being stupidly in love and eventually reuniting properly. so all i can do and all i want to do is find ways to enjoy the journey - and this is true of every storyline ever. 

and the result of me giving as much voice as i can to the things i enjoy and literally just ignoring any thoughts i may have or thoughts other people have about what they don’t because i don’t find them helpful (sorry all other ppl i love you i just gotta do me) - is that what we’ve had so far has been so much fun for me. i enjoy aaron and robert interacting in a - in a way, very abuse era-esque manner, obviously in an entirely different context. like - they both want to be together but they can’t - and now the feelings are there but only tenfold and so their scenes always have that bubbling underneath. a little bit of subtextual love and angst is fun. yes i want them to get back together and make out and cuddle and all that good and lovely jazz but like… that’s not the only way to enjoy their scenes, i don’t think. why would anyone ever rewatch the lighter relationshippy aspects of the abuse storyline if it was?

like - the smitten kitten scene? maxine’s episode where they go to find sandra? rob dealing with aaron leaving to see family in ireland for a bit (#parallel) and literally just trying to get info about how he’s doing out of chas on a daily if not hourly basis? they weren’t together during any of that. so why do they need to be together as a couple to have amazing, wonderful scenes now? why does them being split up automatically mean we’re in for months of no robron at all? because that hasn’t been what i’ve seen so far and from everything that has been said, that isn’t what they seem to have in store for us going forward.

obviously, you know, you gotta do you etc etc but… yeah, this is literally my secret lmao. just… idk. it took me a long af time to learn this and i had to go through a lot of sadness to get there but… idk the idea of being sad about a soap all the time just isn’t something i’m interested in for a way to spend my free time. so i don’t spend it that way. 

basically, what i’m saying is, this isn’t just innately me, irrationally excited about all things ever. it’s something i learnt to do and it changed my god damn life for the better in every damn way.

(i think it does make me a horrible person to try and be salty with when it comes to plot or spoilers though because i will, with all the love and good intentions in the world, probably refuse to let a conversation wallow in that misery and probably change the subject to something happier in order to preserve the hard work i’ve done on myself)

idk idk hopefully this doesn’t sound like a flipping lecture or whatever but this ask just came at a hilariously appropriate time for where my head has been at this morning

[zalrb]

For God sake Elena didn't lose anything with Damon . She was happy with Damon . Damon helped her in every way even Stefan said so . Elena never really loved Stefan she didn't even knew him properly she fell madly in love with Damon . You wanna ship se do but don't say Elena was puppet in de relationship . Stefan was just the chapter in her life the same way Elena was the chapter in Stefan life .

And if you want to ship DE then go ahead but stop being so willfully ignorant about your ship, anon.

I have multiple posts about the inflation of DE:

http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/149414909030/it-was-stefans-love-who-healed-her-broken-heart

http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/149396624855/love-isnt-a-choice-if-it-were-elena-would-have

http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/154739617890/it-really-bugs-me-when-people-complain-about

http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/139498020585/what-about-stelena-makes-them-superior-to-delena

http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/156101914470/delena-is-about-acceptance-learning-and-growing

But you guys seem adamant on making me repeat myself.

“Elena never really loved Stefan”

Where is the proof of this? I mean next to the fact that she consistently declares her love for Stefan

These declarations of love are earned by how ride or die Elena was for Stefan.

Like you don’t face werewolves and go into vervain/snake-filled wells and run into a house full of tomb vampires and risk coming face to face with the supernatural monster trying to kill you if you don’t “really” love someone. This type of devotion is not bred from obligation, anon.

she didn’t even knew him properly

Elena knew Stefan so implicitly that she knew he was on the other line when he didn’t even say anything:

Elena’s emotional and spiritual knowledge of Stefan (which I speak about here: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/158674534265/can-you-show-examples-of-stelena-knowing-each) is unparalleled and that knowledge and that connection actually, and not DE-actually, but actually actually made Stefan a better person: 

We started this season with Stefan drinking Elena’s blood. Is that going to come back to haunt him or haunt them as he drinks more human blood?Julie Plec: Not at the moment. I think that in its own way, it was a smart choice. He’s come to terms with all his demons from last year and all the guilt that lead him down that road and Stefan’s issues with blood were psychological and emotional. And drinking small tiny amounts every day with the trust and the commitment of your one true love to build up the strength so that you never have to worry about becoming that guy, I think we want to see if we can deliver on that. (source)

And this declaration to Rebekah (and Julie’s quote about Stefan) is earned in action and not simply dialogue. It’s earned in action because pretty much whenever Elena came face to face with Stefan’s demons, his lust for blood, his voracious vampirism, her presence, her emotional knowledge of Stefan would make it subside. It begins in 1x10 because she’s actually seeing past his vampirism, embracing it and accepting it, seeing to the man:

which allows for this to happen:

and that type of connection doesn’t go away because in 5x04 it’s repeated:

And in 5x06 it’s reiterated how much Elena brings Stefan back to life:

And in 6x16, Elena is directly related, yet again, to bringing Stefan back to his humanity, narratively, she is directly related to him being the best version of himself:

she fell madly in love with Damon 

I guess we’re ignoring the fact that Elena literally had to die and then be emotionally entrapped by a bond that gives her the illusion of free will to make DE happen. I talk about that here: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/156287220175/i-really-liked-your-toxic-relationship-post-but but the highlights are these:

“The bottom line is that Elena as a human made a very, very, very clear choice that she would love Stefan always and forever,” she says. “But then her entire life turned upside down, and any feelings she originally had for Damon were still there, and of course magnified. There was always going to be a little bit of a confusion there for her — but not enough confusion for her to be over Stefan. It would take a lot to rip Elena away from loving Stefan. It would take years and seasons. We’d be eighty, if we followed the natural progression of that relationship.”

Damon helped her in every way even Stefan said so

H O W?

I have asked this many times and no DEr has been able to give me a legitimate answer, all you guys give me is what you think happened, it’s conjecture based on unearned dialogue. I want to know what he’s actually done that has propelled Elena’s character development because from what I recall, it’s Stefan who’s the one who always helps her:

but don’t say Elena was puppet in de relationship

Except that she is though. Because the DE relationship is inherently Damon-focused, Elena is his plot line so she actually just has to be there, it’s not about the both of them unlike SE:

Julie Plec: I can only say that it’s a show predicated on a girl coming back to life and her development of love for one brother who then, because of who she is, changes the life of the other brother and that’s our show […] (source)

Even the 6x22 goodbye scene is inherently about Damon:

“It’s our way of the characters having sex in like a beautiful way, so it made perfect sense on the road, which is symbolic of Damon’s journey as a vampire[…]”

as opposed to the SE goodbye which is inherently about Elena and their knowledge of each other:

“That’s where she admitted she never wanted to lose her humanity, she didn’t want to be a vampire, and so he found it fitting for them to revisit that environment,” Dries said.

The sire bond … Elena isn’t given any complicated feelings about the fact that she’s emotionally enslaved to someone else, all she has to do is believe that she loves him:

I think the takeaway, ultimately, is that Elena believes it so fundamentally that in that moment, it’s enough for Damon to let himself believe too.

and it’s Damon who gets the “character” exploration of struggling with something and letting himself believe it’s real or not real, they make it inherently about how Damon feels when it’s Elena that this is happening to:

And it’s gonna continue to eat at Damon for the next few episodes […] Just letting himself allow it to be real for one small moment is enough for Damon.

At least with Stefan and Elena, she’s allowed to have complicated feelings which actually enrich their relationship because she goes through a multitude of emotions:

Plec assures that this storyline will be a big deal for the Stefan/Elena relationship, especially as Elena struggles “with her desire to help rescue this person that she loved very purely and very deeply, but also learning the lesson that you can’t necessarily let yourself be consumed in your life by saving someone else’s.”

Even their first meeting is solely for the benefit of Damon:

It was us wanting to give Damon something to fight for. Ric is unbeatable, a jillion times stronger than Damon. Damon was a dead man, and Ric was relishing beating him, and Damon had nothing left to live for, having been passed over once again. It was just that slight little thing that she said to him, when she was just trying to take the sting off: “Hey, maybe if you and I had met first.” She was just trying to soften the blow. But in reality, he had this memory that gave him the will to fight back. I love that moment, where Ric’s about to drive the stake into him, and he’s like “You know what? I’m not ready to die today.”

And with SE, it’s about how they save each other:

Julie Plec: In my mind, Elena’s parents are dead. It was a human accident, and a human tragedy, and as we know, the night that Stefan pulled her out of the water and saved her life. That was kind of the beginning of their love story. (source)

She isn’t just this symbol to be reacted to.

Even when Nina talks about SE, it’s about the individualism of Elena in relation to the love of SE:

Nina: But Elena — it’s not about that for her. She cares about Stefan. And he’s important to her and she has this connection with him, but she will put her friends and her family and the safety of her town before anything else, and she’s not going to swoon over the fact that he’s a vampire and ask her to bite him right away and all that. (source)

and you see that in their relationship. She doesn’t realize she can be with Stefan until after he saves Bonnie’s life in 1x09, she doesn’t get back with Stefan in season 2 until after he sacrifices his freedom to get with Jeremy out of the tomb, they take care of the people around them together, whether it’s saving Matt or taking care of Caroline after being tortured or helping Bonnie when it comes to Emily, where is any of that with Damon? They can’t even meet Bonnie halfway in the Prison World because they’re too busy arguing about their relationship. She doesn’t know what’s going on with Jeremy because she’s too caught up sleeping with Damon, she isn’t even paying attention to the parent-teacher interviews, she doesn’t care that he killed Aaron and kidnapped Jeremy again and the show doesn’t actually explore the psychological battle of loving someone who does these terrible things, she makes one comment about bending her morals and that’s it, that fundamentally reduces her character.

In season 8, the show very rarely (if ever) talks about Elena as an individual person or about her significance to the other characters, it’s all about how if Elena was there then Damon wouldn’t go off the rails, if Elena was there she would be able to get through to Damon, I wish Elena was here so Damon wouldn’t be the way he is, there are like four times in the season when Elena is spoken about outside the context of what she can do for Damon.

It’s only when Damon is gone that Elena actually is the person she’s supposed to be because the show gives her other focuses like bringing Stefan back or bringing Bonnie back to life or setting Caroline up or getting everyone together to do shots so they can hang out, when Damon is back in the picture, the show just shackles her to him.

Stefan was just the chapter in her life the same way Elena was the chapter in Stefan life .

Except not? Their connection exists throughout the series and it’s proven repeatedly that they depend on each other and are tied to each other more than they’re tied to other people. Like Elena could break compulsion for Stefan but she couldn’t do the same for Damon.

In season 8, Bonnie tells Stefan to find his hope and what he does right after is write to Elena:

In the finale Elena is found sitting at the Salvatore crypt, writing about how she owes her life to Stefan:

[and I talk about how this is different than Matt here: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/158520624145/elena-wrote-in-her-journal-that-she-owed-her-epic]

In season 7, Caroline talks about how she’s been waiting for the day Stefan could love her the way he loved Elena

Not to mention the natural intimacy of SE and the romantic undertones of their scenes:

Like their narrative, their action, seeps through everything, DE has the dialogue, we have what actually matters.

[ellyzsx]

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me

[thestangossip]

The tarot thing is here? If so: Anon why don't you make a read about how Sebastian is feeling about her/relationship/everything?

Tarot Anon just sent me this, about his career. Not about Ellie. Enjoy. 

Career reading (in depth) - Celtic Cross reading

If someone knows a little bit about tarot they know the same cards, the same messages often appear in different readings if the person who we made the reading on is the same.  I’ve done 4 reading on S so far and this is particularly true in his case.

Card1(Prince of Sw) - present, Card2(The Moon) Challenge

We met the PofSw card before… This is represents a person who has a strong personality, is quick-witted, intelligent, impulsive. In a career Tarot reading represents ambition or a big change. The Moon card  is that everything is not as it seems. It is the card of intuition, dreams, illusions. The Moons tells you that something about a situation or person in your life is not what it appears to be and you need to trust what your instincts are telling you in order to see. The Moon can also signify that you are letting your anxiety or fear overwhelm you. In a career context he may be very unclear or even anxious about his career direction. There may be miscommunication between him and his colleagues, his team or his superiors. He needs to trust in his instincts and calm down, doesn’t be paranoid. I think his biggest challenge at the moment to harmonize his ambition with his anxiety and his private persona.

Card 3(Ace of Pentacles) past - Card 1(Pof Sw) present - Card 4 (The Wheel) future

Ace of P financially a very good card and I think it isn’t surprise we got that. I am almost sure this is means his financial gain because of the Marvel movies. Everything is changing at the moment, but it doesn’t mean necessarily financial loss. I feel S is search more interesting projects and he is looking forward to it but he also a little bit worried about it. These projects are more risky both financially and both in terms of success. The future in this position means the next step not the final outcome. But with the Wheel, he has a really good prospect to change his career in a desirably way. Wheel is good luck, completion, new phase of life. Big changes are coming. These changes could be for his greater good, but not all change is easy, even if it’s leading to his destiny. But this is a very promising card for his career. Maybe one of his new movie or the tv-show will be a big hit (I would put my money on this) And could means projects which is just coming to him at the moment.

Card5(Cernunnos)  above  - Card1(PofSw) present - Card6 (The Hermit) below - consciousness moving from unconsciousness the time of the reading.

Card5 is his conscious. This is happening around him in a more external world. Cernunnos is the raw power of the instincts also a danger of delusion. The card points out to the dangers of depression, being obsessive and greedy. It can means he feels he is not in control at the moment but this is not always true, this could be just a delusion. Challenges are coming into his life and this is the time to know and accept them.Card6 is it the subconscious. What is happening inside him, what of his feelings and thoughts, which is clearly influencing him. The Hermit generally means soul searching, self-reflection, a certain stage in our lives when our spiritual journey becomes important. The Hermit can also indicate isolating or withdrawing into oneself in order to recover from a difficult situation. This Major Arcana trump card can suggest that he may be going through an anti-social phase where he just don’t want to interact with people as much as he normally would. ( Well, we know for fact this is happening right now). In career-wise The Hermit means money and materialism may no longer be enough to motivate him and he may find himself seeking a new, more satisfying career path.

Card4 (The Wheel) future, Card10 (9 of Wands) outcome

The Wheel is the next step and 9 of Wands is the bigger picture, the outcome. The future has a really nice prospect for him in terms of carrier. Easily can mean that one of his already finished movie will be a big hit or will be a hit enough to bring more exciting projects on board. The outcome, 9ofW however is a very interesting “two faced” card. Not necessarily bad but not necessarily good either. It represents ongoing battles. Means he needs to gather the last of his strength and push forward and he can be successful. The Nine of Wands also tells that he is close to success but not there yet. He is mid-way through a battle. A previous work he has  may have left him exhausted and wondering if he has enough energy to complete the task.

Card6 (The Hermit) - below, Card9 ( The Queen of Pent. Rx) - hopes/fears.This  card combination is the hardest to interpret in every Celtic Cross reading, because the hopes and fears card. It can be just a hope or just a fear but usually this things are hand in hand. The boundaries not that sharp.

The Hermit is the deep self-reflection, meditation, solitude even. The Queen of P Rx as a person means someone who is overly ambitious, social climber, mean-spirited, shallow person. Because it is a queen card, usually represents a woman. She can be possessive, jealous, envious.In a general Tarot reading, the Queen of Pentacles represents a lack of social status, poverty, failure, dependence and being out of control. For me it is clear that is a fear card. In a career reading this can be a fear of poverty,  lack of money, status or fame loss. But it also could be a fear of someone whose presence, actions affects his career negatively. Can be someone from his team, pr, manager, agent eg, but this particular someone could came from his personal life and still affects his career.

Card7 (6 of Wands) advice , Card10( 9 of Wands) outcome

The advice card is literally the card of fame, celebrity, fans, well-wishers, supporters, crowds and being in the spotlight. It is suggest he must be present, relevant, be in a spotlight to even have a chance to fight for his success. If no one knows who he, he can’t have a real carrier in this business. And maybe this constant present can be exhausting, seems like a battle (Card 10-outcome) but this is a must, and he really capable of win this battle against himself, if he is really focused.PART4In general I am really happy with this reading. I’ve never thought I would got such a promising cards. But! Very very important to understand future is not set in stone. This reading shows this could happen if he take the Advice the cards shows to him. If he chose a different path…. well, the future will be different.

I’ve done multiply readings on S and the main message was always the same. He needs to change, gain a deeper understanding of himself, to remove himself from the daily grind in order to discover his true spiritual self, and he needs to be patient. This message appears in his career reading as well, but in extremely strong in his personal life readings. This could be a long, difficult journey for him, but he can gain everything in this life if he can be strong enough to walk through this path. The choice is his.

Until this point I’ve thought this will be my last reading on him, because I found pointless to do a readings on him every day when things around him are still. But now I am planning a few smaller readings on him in different topics. I don’t know when, but you will hear about me in the future. Bye :)