#don't you feel sometimes that life is supposed to be like a film with wonderful moments depicted by fate and magic sights at night?

[dalliancekay]

Aziraphale does NOT need to suffer MORE

Can't believe I have to say this. TW: grief, mourning, death (sorry) I have, since falling into the fandom 6 months ago to escape real life, seen many takes on how Aziraphale needs to suffer in S3 to match Crowley's suffering. Mainly as the counterpart to the moment Crowley thinks he lost Aziraphale as he's looking for him desperately in the burning bookshop....

...after this he drinks, we suppose, to dull his pain, waiting for the Armageddon. Also, for the way Crowley suffers at the bandstand argument, the 'I Forgive You' moments, which many people find utterly devastating and incredibly heartless from Aziraphale. Not to mention when he doesn't react in the 'right way' to Crowley's confession in the Final 15. And then on top of that, 'abandons' Crowley. For Heaven. Oh and also for, and I quote: "The smug and entitled way Aziraphale went around in S2 assuming Crowley would love and follow him everywhere." And so for all this pain that Crowley endured for him, Aziraphale should suffer in S3 (to I assume) even out the scores. Some people want to see him lose it, show his emotions, to cry or beg or otherwise show how much he misses Crowley and how very sorry he is for what he has (so thoughtlessly) done.

Now for the TW grief content I motioned above. You can skip to the next sentence in bold.

I was on holiday late September last year, visiting my mum, stepfather and my two younger brothers. We went to a cousin's wedding. It was great. The day after, as I was hanging out reading a book, my mum got a call. The kind of call every mother fears. My youngest brother (he was 27) died in an accident. We needed to speak to police and the coroner. She cried and cried. She's still crying. She asks questions. She gets no answers. I...did not cry. I talked to the police. I googled a funeral home. I bought my brother his last set of clothes. He lived in a hoodie and torn black jeans. Mum wanted a suit. But he died in the one he bought for the wedding. I texted a lot of people. I bought snacks for the many friends who came to the funeral and wanted to speak to us after. My grief feels like a vice. I am not sad. I do not appear sad. Contrary to what people expect. But I am ANGRY. I am furious. But nobody can see this. I am not fine and I wish no one would ever* ask how I was again. TW/Personal content over. WE ALL SUFFER DIFFERENTLY Since I was small (because I am weird like that) I genuinely wondered if, finding myself in danger, I could scream like people in films do. I don't think I could. I cope with hard situations, fear and stress and anxiety by shutting down, sometimes by retreating as well, and by furiously (but quietly) trying to find a way out. And I think Aziraphale does the same. And that's why I love him so much. And why I feel I get him and understand that people sometimes can't tell how much he's actually feeling. I also express love the way Aziraphale does - by organising things for people, inviting them places, making plans. When Crowley said you call me for three things (and it's basically any old reason) I felt SO SEEN. This is what I would do with a friend who I know is feeling unmoored, sad, stuck (Crowley's 'What's the point of it all' at the beginning of S2). I'd text them with any old thing. I'd never actually say I love you, but I would try to get them to talk, meet me, go somewhere. Aziraphale does not express emotions the same way as Crowley.

But his emotions are valid nonetheless. He is worried for Crowley from around 3 minutes into their acquaintanceship. And he NEVER stops worrying from then on.

And are we quite sure he has never lost Crowley?

How many times did Aziraphale's heart freeze in horror when he realised Hell has taken Crowley and he had no idea if he'll ever come back and what is happening to him?

How did Aziraphale spend the night after vanquishing the demons and starting a war? He had no idea where Crowley was. What happened to him. He was probably sick with worry that Hell just took him away. We didn't see him drink and cry, but surely, the worry must have been overwhelming. The wait for what will happen.

ALL his worries over the Arrangement. Was he worried for himself? Do we really think that?

Crowley thought he lost Aziraphale in S1, yes, we saw that. And what happened to the angel then?

He got blown into atoms which I bet wasn't pleasant and when he arrives in Heaven he limps. Why is he hurt? And why is he quickly pretending he isn't? Why is he always hiding how he feels? Also, he immediately deserts, wants no part in the Holy War and quickly finds an extremely unconventional way to get back. It's not a grand gesture, he doesn't deliberate, doesn't worry that he will Fall (although surely that must have been what he thought will happen if he survives this), there's no pomp around it, he thinks it and then does it. No hesitation.

Is this coming from an angel who just can't leave Heaven behind and longs to be a part of it? Who loves to follow rules? And let's not forget in those moments Aziraphale thought Crowley was most likely gone. That he probably left for Alpha Centauri. Last he heard from him he was told he was talking to an old friend and had no time for him. Why we NEVER talk about how that might have felt for Aziraphale? About his sadness?

Things are not as simple as Aziraphale has been supressing his emotions and lying to himself about how he feels and he should get over it and become free. That's not how this works. And first of all, he was suppressing his emotions OUT OF LOVE. His main goal was always to keep Crowley safe. They simply couldn't run away or hoodwink Heaven and Hell. They had nowhere to go. They had no hope and yet they kept loving each other. That's courage. I know we all grew up with Romeo and Juliet and Heathcliff and Cathy and we FORGOT that those were CAUTIONARY tales. And this is not what Aziraphale wants for them. He would never allow himself to go so fast he would hurt Crowley. He feels guilty enough for agreeing to the Arrangement and for meeting Crowley at all when he knows they can be discovered and punished at any point. And Crowley knows it and RESPECTS it. He does not tolerate Aziraphale's decision to not go on a date and to hell with circumstances. He understands Aziraphale's reasoning and he respects Aziraphale's decision. Don't forget, they have NO POWER. They can't change Heaven and Hell. They can't stop believing in God and work on their religious trauma. Their Heaven and Hell are real places with real power and they both BELONG to them. Aziraphale's trauma and his personality are deeply intertwined and he'd probably never be the kind of person who is open in showing their grief or stress like Crowley does. He will learn to be more open, I'm sure. With his love especially, we see him reaching for and touching his demon in S2. Openly being with him, looking at him without guarding himself. They got a little bit of freedom for themselves despite ALL odds. So. Just because Aziraphale is not crying and screaming and I dunno, tearing his hair out or whatever some people would have him do, does not mean he isn't overflowing with pain, fear, uncertainty, doubts, worries, and so much anxiety that if he let it all out, half of the solar system would turn to ashes.

Aziraphale does not need to suffer in S3 to level out Crowley's suffering. They are, unfortunately, equal in their pain as they are in love. If there is one thing Crowley would never abide, it'd be this take from the fandom. * One more note on grief: (obviously from my personal experience) As initiated by @anthony-crowleys-left-nut in a comment

It's not that I mind to know people care and worry etc, not at all. But asking how I am can only end up in me lying (fine, thank you) and both of us knowing it's not really true and feeling awkward or not lying (I feel like shit, mostly cos I can't sleep and think the world is a stupid unfair place) and both of us feeling awkward anyway. Does that make sense? I wish I could tell friends/colleagues to ask what I've been up to or something similar instead. What I've been reading (um, AO3, but I'll make something up), watching, do I want to go see some spring flowers bloom (I do). I think...this would probably work not just for someone who is grieving but also for someone who you know is dealing with depression for example or a serious illness etc. Edit 2. It's now almost (in 15 days) a year since my brother died. The random attacks of pain and grief have lessened and I have started to do more of the things I enjoyed before... and I am able to answer how are you questions without feeling like they are trying to mock me (the questions, not the people). So I suppose things do get ... lighter? More diffused? I'm not sure. Because it's still exactly as unfair that my brother has not lived this past year as it will be however many years pass I expect.

[aclockmaker]

Part 2 now here

Okay to expand on this I just think: Steve who’s been in a couple of tv shows and is having a moment, famous offscreen for his hair and his charm and onscreen for his ability to find chemistry with anyone (and also, again, his hair).

And Eddie who is a complete unknown; he’s been in some stage productions and had the tiniest bit parts on TV but nobody’s ever, like, recognized him on the street.

Eddie auditions for a new HBO show. When his agent tells him that Steve Harrington is already attached Eddie is like cool, I’ll never get this part but the audition will be good practice so why not. They’re never gonna cast him. He’s sure he’s playing it too weird, and he hasn’t cut his hair (but he will when a part needs him to) but then he gets a callback. Twice.

And then he’s getting called in to do a chemistry test with some of the other actors. The show is like a modern Freaks and Geeks but with a slow burn murder mystery, and Eddie’s actually dead in the main timeline but about half the show is told in flashbacks so it’s a big part. When he meets Steve he doesn’t know what he’s expecting from the paparazzi darling but the guy is super genuine, makes Eddie feel way more comfortable than he has so far. They do their read together and Eddie is just thinking to himself like… damn, this guy really is good, because that felt crazy. He’s acted opposite some insanely talented people but it’s never been that easy. That must just be what it’s like working with Steve.

And now it’s dangerous because he really wants the part. He wants to stop bartending to make rent. He wants to be on this show, because the pages he’s seen are good, and he thinks he could really bring something to it. And because he wants to work with Steve. And even the rest of the cast, too, but—

The day Eddie gets the part he gets a text from a number he doesn't know. Hey man, really looking forward to working with you. And then, a few minutes later, It's Steve btw. He's smiling down at his phone so much that his agent, whose office he's in, is like "What, did you just score another life-changing opportunity I don't know about?" And Eddie is like "Nope, just the one, uh—it's just my uncle saying congrats. Anyway—"

They don't make him cut his hair. They don't tell him to stop playing it so weird. Everything goes so well that it feels fucking hard to believe, in fact, like he's just waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's one group of them playing seniors in high school, the main foursome of which is Eddie, Steve, and their two girl costars, Nancy and Robin. And then there's a younger group playing freshmen whose story intersects with theirs.

His and Steve's characters are set up as opposites, almost rivals, and at least at first, you're presumably supposed to wonder if it's Steve's rich, popular guy who's killed Eddie's character. Nobody in the cast knows the truth yet; the scripts get revealed to them as they're shooting them and they've been told the murderer won't even be revealed in the first season (so here's hoping they get renewed, because Eddie would really like to know who killed him—and he'd also like to keep making HBO money).

Their scenes are some of Eddie's favorites to film (although he also has a soft spot for the kids—especially Dustin who plays a hilarious and awesome nerd who does D&D with Eddie's DM). Eddie hopes his and Steve's stuff is working on whatever level they ultimately need it to work on—sometimes they do get notes that tell them to pull back or dig into something, to emphasize something else, so he has to trust that they're doing the right things.

They often film out of order so when they eventually film the scene where Eddie and Steve's characters have their first run-in at school, it's far from the first time they've shot together. They get all up in each other's faces in the scene, and they've run the lines, done a table read, but acting it out at full intensity is. A lot. Steve's character is mad because he thinks Eddie's character is trying to steal his girlfriend (really she was just buying drugs from him). The way Steve plays it is all simmering intensity, the threat of violence just under the surface, and this is where Eddie doesn't know if he's reading something into it that isn't there. Because for him, there's also another kind of tension between them. And he doesn't know if it's his real life bleeding into the character; if it's just how Steve can't help being with everyone; or if it's a legitimate part of the scripts that they're supposed to be picking up on and exploring. He doesn't even know if anybody else sees what he does. But they do their takes; nobody tells him he's doing something wrong. And after the director calls cut the first time, Steve winks at him. Just to cut the tension, Eddie thinks, maybe to make him smile, which it does. It's fun watching Steve work, watching him slip into and out of character. He's really easy to work with.

Sometimes they get together to run lines or talk motivation or whatever. “It's crazy, you know," Eddie tells Steve in his trailer one night. Steve's is bigger so all of them usually hang out here. They've been making each other laugh, shooting the shit about increasingly funny backstories for their characters, and Eddie feels high with it. "I mean, you know this is my first real show. It's like—" he gestures between them, trying to encompass everything that happens on-camera and all the fun of working on that off-camera. "I didn't know it would be like this."

"Oh—yeah, man," Steve says and laughs a little self-deprecatingly, running a hand through his hair. "But, I mean, for me, I've done a couple and, with our stuff—it’s never been like this with anyone else, either.”

It's going to be so hard, Eddie thinks, looking back at him, to not read into that more than he should.

[strangebiology]

I think a lot of the people in my life who have expressed disgust or disapproval of my interest in/collection of animal remains have come at it first from the perspective of "but diseases!" like regular uncleanliness stigma. the second most common reaction is that interest in/collection of/comfort with animal remains (to be clear, i collect bones and sometimes preserved tails or pelts and these are the objects in question) is... creepy? and, the people who are most disgusted/creeped out are usually people who by and large dont interact with wild animals or livestock. my friends who are vet techs or who hunt or who practice animal husbandry are more or less unfazed.

(Re: What are actual common attitudes towards animal remains?)

Interesting, thank you!

Now, I'm wondering if people mistake personal discomfort for immorality.

I've mentioned my one video that did get some negative comments, showing the slaughter of a reindeer (you can see it here but I have warnings on it for a reason! Blood and death!) And, I think 90% or so (I suppose I could go count them) are more reasonable.

First, people are mad at the assumption that I killed a reindeer (I did NOT kill it, I just filmed it.) Then, the issue is it's being killed for no reason (it was NOT no reason, it's for food.) Then the method is criticized (this is one of the ONLY legal ways to kill them and it's quicker than it looks because of post-mortem spasms.) Then, when those concerns are disproven, the only issue left is "filming and posting it is sadistic." So...killing was no problem, but showing anyone that their meat came from a death was a problem. (Again, I respect if you don't want to see it! So please heed the warnings unless your desire to know how reindeer are killed outweighs your discomfort with watching a death!)

I wonder if sometimes people are overly focused on prioritizing their own 5-second comfort over things that matter a lot more, but are external to them, and they don't really care about others who they are not currently looking in the face of at all.

This isn't a 100% relevant example, but consider the people who don't want to donate their organs after death. A common reason to forgo something that could save and improve lots of lives is "it sounds gross!" Ickiness really should not be a factor in whether or not to save lives--the donor will never see or feel it, but since it's not their own life being saved, the 5-second icky feeling when checking the "donor" box is suddenly more important than the saved and improved human lives.

I know I shouldn't think too hard about one random experience, but I will always remember this one. I was once at a consumer survey thing for a turkey meat brand, where participants tried the meat and said what we thought about the name, taste, packaging, branding etc. We were instructed to circle what we liked on the branding and cross out what we didn't like.

One participant crossed out the part where it said "humanely raised." I asked if she had made a mistake, or...does she feel like the label is disingenuous or something...? Surely she's pro-humane treatment of animals, right??

"No," she said. "I don't want them to do that. I don't want to think about their lives when I'm eating them, and they don't need to be humane to animals that are going to die anyway." Most of the group agreed. I couldn't help but point and say "YOU'RE gonna die anyway!"

That may have been the first time I encountered a group of people shamelessly agreeing that they would rather animals suffer unnecessarily than think for one second that the animal whose body they are using/eating was ever even alive. Because not feeling guilty about something was infinitely more important to them than any amount of suffering that someone else might experience.

[margareth-lv]

⛓️ When art and life become one ⛓️

I believe fairy tales have a great deal of therapeutic power. And there's nothing quite like a good story.

As I’ve written here a few times before, I first started watching Outlander in 2020 – a challenging year for us all. At that time, we all needed a good story to take our minds off reality. And to move into the catharsis that art offers. You can imagine my excitement when I realised that two actors (who were so obviously in love) playing the characters in the story were born around the same time as the characters they were playing.

James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser, born on 1 May. Sam Roland Heughan, born on 30 April. Both Taurus, just like me. Claire Beauchamp Randall Fraser, born on 20 October. Caitríona Mary Balfe, born on 4 October. Both Libra.

And, as you might expect, in both the play and real life, she is older than he is. Isn't it wonderful how things just fall into place sometimes? There’s always something to ponder, think about and enjoy.

But it's been a while since we've seen joy in "enjoy." The Taylor Swift concert is the exception that proves the rule, here.

I'm getting tired of the low-level storytelling we've been presented with for a while now. This story is the worst of the worst. It’s a pretty poor selection of C, D, and E cinema.

And it's pretty sad how two people, who literally built their relative public recognisability on being the 'hottest couple on the screen', are now pathetically role-playing their supposed 'real love lives'. And neither of them succeeds. They're also pretty weak actors in their roles of romantic lovers (I'm thinking mainly of Sam here). Let me just say that they're not pathetic only when they're together. *** *** *** When I saw the blurry, embarrassing footage from this weekend's Giorgio Armani Tennis Classic (tagged #ad on Sam's Instagram), my first thought was that it was a spectacle for us, our Tumblr fandom. There's no one else who would be interested in something you have to look for with a magnifying glass, zooming in, spending long minutes stopping frames of film. Then I got reminded about the Wimbledon Tennis Championships back in July 2019 and another poor performances by 'bride' and her 'groom' a month before their 'wedding'.

Do you remember those pictures?

First wife, second wife, Claire Beauchamp Randall Fraser and Laoghaire MacKenzie, I mean, Evie Greenwood, a primary teacher.

You know, realism and art all blend together.

We first saw this kind of kissing being reduced to sucking on the partner's upper lip in what we were forced to think was Sam’s ‘real life’, and then we saw the same thing on screen.

And what about Sam's somewhat embarrassing performance in The Couple Next Door? Which other actor in that film has exposed themselves so much (and so pointlessly), in a literal sense?

How many of us thought Sam's performance in the erotic scenes in TCND was not sexy at all, but disgusting?

I did.

Wasn't that display of Sam's rhythmically moving buttocks as distasteful as his other performance a few weeks ago?

Seriously, I would never want my husband/partner/father of my children to behave like this. There's no money worth it. But maybe there is.

Sometimes I feel sorry for them, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I remind myself of how jealous Cait can be.

How on earth do they manage to live like that?

[3 July, 2024]

[whimsyeo]

norman f*cking rockwell

જ⁀➴ jeong yunho x fem!reader (ft. san)

❝love, as you knew it, began and ended with yunho. ❞

wc; 2.7k

cw; angst, infidelity, unhealthy relationship, crying, insecurity, slightest bit suggestive towards the end

🎧 norman fucking rockwell, pretty when you cry, national anthem, cinnamon girl, shades of cool by ldr

Jeong Yunho was a dream.

You often wondered, especially in the beginning, how you could ever be so lucky. Thought, why in the world had he noticed you in a room full of people with so many others much closer to him in status. Although three years ago, he wasn't quite yet the household name he has become now. But from the moment you meet him, you knew. What Yunho could be - what he would be someday.

From dating around in the city, your qualifications for a decent partner became more vague with each dead end, nothing-more-than-a-nice-dinner date. Don't be a complete jerk, was the only remaining requirement on your list when you first met Yunho. Perhaps made to be the slightest bit of a cynic by then because of so many bad experiences, you didn't so much as swoon when he directed his truly angelic smile at you. Complimenting your appearance only after he greeted you with a kiss on the back of your hand.

Stereotypical and overly chivalrous as he was, you didn't buy it. And you wouldn't have admitted it then, probably not even now - that the effect, still, was immediate.

You knew then you shouldn't get your hopes up. Yunho was still up and coming in the industry, but working as a writer had showed you just how little experience had to do with how any and every actor could walk around like the world owed them just by existing. But what was one more possible bad date story to tell San over a brunch debrief the morning after? What have you really to lose?

So when Yunho asks you once the party ends if you're free for lunch the next day, of course you say yes. Never would you have anticipated how quickly he could crumble your walls to dust and worm his way through your rib cage into hold such a vice grip on your heart. Maybe it was always supposed to happen that way, as you can't imagine falling any differently with Yunho on the other side of it.

Everyone he meets always falls a little in love by the end of the conversation, you were sure of it. So, in a way, there wasn't ever a timeline in which you didn't end up completely in love with Yunho. You were just fortunate enough to be living in the one where somehow, he did, too.

When you think of Yunho, you think of the sun. Fireworks lighting up the sky after it sets along the horizon and the summer breeze rushing past while you still feel warm to the touch. It's the little things, too. His hand on the small of your back when crossing the street. His insistence on opening every door you ever walk through. How he waits to pick up his own fork until you to take the first bite at dinner. The blinding smile that takes over his face after finding you in a crowd across the room.

When things had begun to change, you hadn't the slightest idea. Everything did, and yet nothing did, really. He still opened the car door for you, but no longer texted you random updates in between breaks for filming. He still swung your interlocked hands when you walked down the street, but now didn't ask to stop and take pictures together every few blocks. You still had date nights, however rare with his constantly packed schedules, but these days you spent most dinners at home like you had most nights as well. Alone.

You go to sleep and Yunho's not there, or wake up to him long gone - sometimes both. At one point he would leave cute little notes on your nightstand, apologizing for having to rush out and detailing his plans for the day, but even those had eventually stopped.

You don't talk about it. You can't, not really. Not when he goes about life as normal. Smiling at you gently on those hard to come by mornings you do have together, your coffee waiting for you on the counter, made just the way you like it. How can you say anything is wrong when he looks so happy to finally be able to share a meal with you, going on about the outtakes behind his latest drama, questioning you with the stars in his eyes about your recent works right after?

There's never a right time to admit you're hurting. Especially not when it appears you are the only one feeling this way.

"You're thinking too loud," Yunho grumbles from behind you, voice laced with sleep. He lazily throws his arm over your middle to pull you close.

At times you could almost forget you're still sharing the same bed. Even with your lover pressed against your back, it feels as though you really couldn't be further apart.

"Sorry," you mumble back. "Did I wake you?"

You feel his hair brush against your neck as he presumably shakes his head. His lips press against your bare shoulder. Not quite kissing, just resting them there.

"Want to talk about it?"

Your instinct is to say no, brush it off like you often do. Like when Yunho catches your dazed look drifting away from the conversation, or the brief lull that follows from cutting yourself off right when you are about to ask. The situation never seems right for it, and you're beginning to realize there likely won't ever be a good time if you don't just speak up now.

"I miss you," you start. Too vague, you realize, so you continue. "It's like we're always just missing each other, I guess. Going through the motions, but not together. It doesn't even feel like we're living in the same house anymore."

Yunho hums against your skin. You assume it's an encouragement to keep going, but you have nothing more to say. The pressure of those words lifted such weight off your chest that it seems like saying anything more about how you've felt recently would be too much, and you'd flounder.

"I'll be better," he promises. He makes a lot of those lately. You still believe them every time. "Filming finishes soon, and then I'll be all yours."

You should say something else, but what? You are both well aware that once filming ceases for his drama he goes straight into preparations for his next movie. And once the final episode for his current project airs in the coming weeks, there will be even more offers pouring in. For movies and shows and the likes. Everyone wants a piece of Jeong Yunho these days. You're not the only one.

Yunho adjusts his hold on you, not letting up as he moves to lay back down. It won't be long before he falls asleep again. You can only hope exhaustion will catch up to you eventually, before the burning behind your eyes finally form the tears you've been denying for what feels like forever now.

You think back to a comment San had made the last time you too had hung out. Some time has past since that cloudy morning you saw your best friend last, when he softly spoke words that would unknowingly stick with you for the weeks to come. He likely believed you hadn't even heard him over the hard rainfall against the café windows, but you did. Once you realized the cracks in your heart hadn’t yet filled, you wished you hadn’t.

"If things seem too good to be true, they probably are."

As he was with most things, San was right.

He had never liked Yunho, not from the very second San had met him at the very first group hangout he ever came to. San was polite at least, if not overly formally in a way that was telling to only you. As for why - he couldn't really explain it himself.

"It's just this feeling I get around him. I don't like it."

San's gut instincts were never wrong. And while you were already nothing short of completely enamored by Jeong Yunho, you weren't in too deep. Yet. It wasn't too late pull back, but San hadn't asked that of you. Wouldn't, either, without impeccably good reason.

Rather, he pulled back. Often missing outings with your other friends when he knew Yunho would be there. You saw less and less of him the more you and Yunho's lives became intertwined. It made you feel awful, but San insisted it was a him thing.

Being completely caught up in Yunho's web led you to accepting that fact much faster than you probably should have.

On the rare occasions you do hang out, one on one, no Yunho in sight - you never talk about him. Until one day, San's curiosity seemingly gets the better of him.

"How have you and lover boy been?" He would ask. And he always did, avoided saying Yunho's name like the plague.

"Don't ask questions you don't care about the answers to."

You can't pretend it doesn't hurt. Not having your boyfriend and closest friend get along is one thing, but San's seemingly unfounded detestation for Yunho is something else all together.

"I do care about you," he mumbles, continuously fiddling with his cup of iced coffee. He's done more passing it back and forth between his hands than ever drinking from it.

Your silence is all that answers him. There's not much you can say, when nothing is out right wrong, anyway. You don't trust yourself to not break down, either. Because saying it out loud will make it real.

San sighs, "I'm sorry for not spending much time with you these days." He finally takes a sip from his drink, no doubt long since watered down now from going untouched this whole time. "I try not to step in your time together, either. I know how hard it probably is to come by lately. He’s all over the place.”

There was a point in time, not even too long ago, that you would've told San everything. You find yourself fighting the very urge to now, to tell San that those days were more rare than he would believe. That you're beginning to doubt everything about yourself and your relationship. And that it seems like you are the only one bothered by it all.

Maybe you're also scared of proving San right, of hearing him say 'I told you so'. You're entirely too afraid to admit that you know something is going on and all the insecurities you had in the beginning of your relationship have come back a tenfold. San surely wouldn't leave you alone then, if he knew just the kind of downward spiral you were heading towards, being stuck in your own mind all the time.

So you bite your tongue, and reassure him that there's nothing to apologize for.

You don't anticipate ever opening up to San about the problems you're facing regarding Yunho. But one minute, you're sat alone at a table meant for two, hours after the time your reservation was made for. Then the next you're standing at San's apartment door, drenched from the pouring rain outside.

You barely remember the ride here or why you thought coming to San was the best first choice of action. Knocking before you can even stop yourself, and barley given the time to consider running away when San opens the door.

You meet his worried eyes, and the first brick of your carefully crafted walls fall.

You still haven't cried. Not even after you're sat on the couch with San, dressed in dry clothes, freshly made cup of coffee in hand. It's going cold and you haven't even taken a sip. Can't. It's not the way Yunho makes it.

San doesn't ask. Doesn't really have to, but he's always been the curious type, so you know he's only holding out for you. Which is why you start talking and don't stop.

A hand on your back, soft spoken reassurances in between your brief pauses for air. Even when you go quiet for extended periods of time San never says 'I told you so'.

Instead, "You don't deserve this."

You want to believe San. He was right about Yunho after all. But San could've never accounted for how hard you’d fall - how your heart would bend and mold to make a perfect Yunho shaped place in your chest, a spot only he could ever fill.

You hadn't know love before Yunho. Not like this. This feeling like if he ever stopped loving you, you'd be left afloat in the middle of an ocean’s storm, simply praying for the sun to come out again. Every fulfilling breath you could take now, not filled with salt water, is only because he loves you too.

It's almost comical. Cheesy enough to have been a moment pulled straight from one of Yunho's many drama scripts; the white button down in your hand, and the burgundy lipstick stain on it's collar.

For a reason you can't explain you just know this isn't a one off, possibly drunken after party mistake. It doesn't help that Yunho doesn't even jump to fill the silence with carefully crafted defenses of himself, only standing in the doorway to your bedroom with wide eyes, noting your every expression. You hope you don't look as defeated as you feel, but with how Yunho is walking towards you with slow steps while you remain entirely unmoving, you already know you've lost.

"Do you love her?"

There's no point in pretending anymore. The truth is out, and it hurts more than you ever thought it could. The prickly feeling of thorns that have been growing around your heart for what feels like forever now suddenly morph into bigger, sharpened blades, stabbing deeper with seemingly every breath you take.

"I love you."

You're eyes burn like never before. You think if the tears start now, they may never stop.

"Do you love her?"

The slightest pause, and then a baited breath.

"I love you more."

It's not enough, you want to shout. You want to do anything but sit there in silence, as Yunho's hands find purchase on your waist. You want to push him away when he starts pressing kisses on your cheek and then down to your neck. You don't want to love Yunho, not anymore.

But the love you feel won't go away overnight. It doesn't go away even now, with his indirect admission of not only infidelity, but deep affection for another. You were foolish to ever believe love was a word that could only ever exist between the two of you.

You briefly wonder, does he hold her chin when he kisses her, too? Does he buy her flowers? Does he send her silly pictures of himself during costume changes? Does he trace shapes on her back while they cuddle? God, does he talk about the future with her? All light eyes and giddy smiles, thrilled by the prospect of simpler days. With a wrap around porch and a dog and a garden?

The first tear falls, and Yunho is quick to wipe it away with the pad of his thumb. His hands are all over you, so gently, as if a more lingering touch will lead you to break. You don't believe it will make a difference.

No, it only makes it worse. How quickly you melt into his embrace, clinging onto his shoulders like your life depends on it. In someways it does - because even if you can't have all of Yunho, any bit of him will suffice. You need the breath of fresh summer air he brings, not the salt water.

Like that of an addict finally getting their fix. His words are the only drug you could ever need. They keep you going if only for a little while, and when you start to fall all you need is the slightest taste - and you're reminded once more of what you could've been missing.

Jeong Yunho was always meant for great things. The world cannot contain him any better than love can. He has always been too good to be true.

"Let me love you," he begs. And you do.

[phoeebsbuffay]

Imagine you work with Hayden Christensen and… you fall in love with him.

Warnings: fluffy, comfort/light reading, filled with old cliches.

***

You are in that moment of your life where daydreaming about men in general has long lost any sense; when flirting happens you sabotage it: when you just enjoy solitude, even though there is this small part of you that never really quit that romantic side.

Nevertheless, at long last you are working hard, so there is little time to think about those things. You work so hard, however, that family and friends warn you about your mental health. But you dismiss their concern. You just like occupying your mind, is all.

Hayden thinks likewise. After divorce, romance has long disappeared out of his sight and mind. Of course, he engages in casual flings every now and then, but even so it’s been… what? Two, three years since he actually got laid?

Not that he minds. His return to “Star Wars” saga, or rather his come back to acting in general, besides his daughter, have been the main reasons to let him busy enough to such nonsenses.

But it so appears that destiny holds something different, though… And so, dear reader, we are invited to investigate how this will roll.

Today is the first day of the filming of a movie that Hayden is starring after finishing his work at “Ahsoka”. So as he arrives and you too, such paths collide.

You, distracted, just tumbled when Hayden, who happens to be nearby, quickly comes to aid you, thus preventing a worse fall to occur.

“Whoa whoa, calm down, take it easy Miss”, so he says, concerned.

“Oh thank you, sir. Disastrous me, uh?”, you joke in response, getting a smile from your savior.

“Aren’t we all sometimes?”, he chuckles. “Glad I could be of help, otherwise that would be such a fall.”

“Indeed. Mondays are…Mondays. Suppose my body has been, well, getting used to the routine”, when you realize this handsome man is talking to you, actually engaging to a silly conversation like this, you start to ask yourself if being that far from the single market got you mental.

But this is not a thought shared by Hayden, who, however, does find you a beauty, quite taken with your y/c eyes and your smile.

“It happens to the best of us", he agrees. "Specially after vacations. I'm Hayden, by the way. What's your name? I'm afraid we have not been introduced."

You smile, somewhat shy mostly due to the embarrassment of the situation. Nevertheless, you offer your hand for him to shake. As he takes and shakes it, you speak:

"Nice to meet you, Hayden. I'm Y/N. Are you working with us on this project?"

"Yeah. I got the main role, in fact."

It's when you realize...

"Oh." You try to mask your shock, but Hayden sees it--and truthfully he finds your disconcert adorable. "Of course. Welcome, welcome. It is indeed not a most appropriate moment for us to meet".

"Allow me to disagree, Y/N. The timing could not be better."

One smiles to the other. This is where the fun begins indeed...

***

You should know by now that if a conversation was merely enough you wouldn't keep every single detail running in the back of your head. What are you, 18? But could you help yourself, though?

When you speak, he actually listens; he does pay attention, he is there. He is not asking nonsense questions or anything of the sort. Because Hayden is interested in what you have to say.

Despite finding himself a handsome man whose company often brings you delights, you don't dare to harbor any sort of feelings mostly because of your old scars.

Yet, there is one detail that keeps hammering your head, bringing you to reason so you don’t get yourself too dreamy about it: he is, for all effects, your coworker. Therefore, all he can be for you is a friend.

And you force yourself to content with that.

“Hey Y/N, can I talk to you?”, he asks you one day. There is concern in his eyes, which leads you immediately to wonder it’s related to work, but the way he smiles at you at the same time makes your knees weak.

Oh, holy shit.

“Of course, what is it?”

“I would like to know what are your thoughts about these lines”, he shows you the script. “I’ve been considering changing some to this. Listen up.”

It’s difficult not to be captivated by his passionate speech. You don’t think you’ve met someone as interesting as him, or as intelligent. He loves what he’s doing and is always seeking to improve. You learn from these traits too, aware that you have always to be the best in what you do, but not in a competitive way: only in one where you overcome yourself by getting better daily.

Unbeknownst to you, Hayden appreciates that you do actually hear him, seeing him as who he really is and what he aims to be. You are sincere, kind and decent: qualities he appreciates in a woman.

But because you two are co-workers, all he can do is find excuses to speak to you because insofar he lacks the courage to ask you out. Specially because he’s still unsure how to get himself in a possible relationship after he got divorced—even though he’s been divorced for a long while now.

“I think you are doing a great job”, you tell him after you two share some ideas. “But I also think you are working too hard. I mean, so am I, it’s been crazy days. Do you like coffee?”

And just like that it comes out. You don’t even think twice, it blurts out naturally. Hayden doesn’t see it coming too, finding rather charming the panic that starts to rise in your eyes once you realize what you said.

So it’s reciprocal.

“I do, yes. This weekend my daughter is staying with her mother because it’s her grandparents’ wedding anniversary, which means I’m good with hanging out after work”, his smile spreads when seeing a blush coloring your cheeks. “Does it work for you?”

“Coffee on a Friday evening? 5pm?”

“Yeah.”

“It works just as fine”, you beam.

“Great. I’ll see you soon!”

***

It’s Friday. You try to act casually, giving double focus in your job. But whether you spot him acting or speaking to someone of the crew, your heart races and your body reacts in a teenage manner that makes you blush violently.

You struggle to be discreet but damn it, that owner of such a pair of blue eyes is too handsome. You sigh deep down and there you have it: the return of your romantic side.

“Hello, hello! Back to Earth, Y/N Y/LN”, you hear your boss teasingly calling you.

You don’t know, but there is already gossip between some of the ladies of the production part, because apparently you are not entirely discreet when it comes to Hayden. Naturally, however, no one is speaking it in front of you even if your boss is tempted to tease you about it.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been a little out of…”

“…the radar? Yeah, I can tell. Is there something amiss?”

“Not at all”, you lie. “It’s been an intense week, is all.”

“You’ve been working hard indeed”, he agrees. “Keep going, you’ll go far, my dear”.

He pets your shoulder before leaving you to your thoughts: certainly you didn’t expect to hear such a thing. But what do bosses know?

You sigh. At least Friday is coming soon.

***

Hayden dresses fancifully for this day, even though the coffeeshop you are going is one like Starbucks. He does want to impress you, though. Curious is how he feels alive after a long time off the market for some silly reasons.

But today is the day. Once his filming ends, he comes after you, praying he’s not entirely antiquing in matters of dating. However, every doubt dies when seeing how big your smile is and how sparkly your eyes are. Clearly you don’t know how expressive you can be.

“Hey, Y/N.”

Your heart races when he addresses you. A smile comes naturally as a result.

“Hey, Hayden.”

“Let’s go?”

“Yeah.” As you two walk side by side, you start to wonder whether you are a grown woman or what, because this man makes you weak every time his eyes are set on you. “How was your day?”

As he side eyes discreetly at you, you cannot know that Hayden is thinking almost the same. Charmed by your presence, your enigmatic aura draws him to you, despite his fears of starting a new relationship—or perhaps is he misleading himself in desiring so?

“It was good, thank you for asking. Had fewer scenes today, but those were more intense per usual. I suppose you could tell that because I didn’t have the time to come to you as the rest of the days…”

He smirks at how adorable you look when going pink.

The coffeeshop is not so far, so it doesn’t take you a long time to reach it. Once you do, you and Hayden pick a discreet table that are not too much at the people’s sight.

It’s not until both of you order for black coffee and a piece of lemon cake that you engage in proper conversation.

“Indeed I’ve noticed you’ve been quite busy. That’s what you get for being the main star”, you smirk in tease, pleased for bringing him to laughters.

“What can I do? I try my best”, he responds in an amusing tone.

Does it feel like it’s going too fast? Neither could tell. You and Hayden speak as if you’ve been more than friends over years. Without your notice—or even his—, he takes your hand and gently locks fingers with you.

Between one exchange of glances here, some laughters there, you just know. It’s scary, it’s frightening for sure, but you know.

He is the one.

So what now? Well, you panic internally and opt not to tell anything. Just in case…

***

“You’ve been dating her for what, five weeks now?”, says Ewan when meeting Hayden for some heads up.

“Yeah, I have. She’s a really nice girl, I mean… I haven’t brought to laughters for a long time”, Hayden smiles as he remembers the last date you two had together. “She’s funny and her wit doubles her beauty, you know.”

He chuckles.

“Hayden, my friend”, Ewan places a hand over his friend’s shoulder. “Why are you wasting your time? Ask her to be your girlfriend. I am surprised she’s this patient, honestly.”

“Well me too”, he admits it. “But I wasn’t entirely sure…”

“It’s always appropriate to have some good sense and caution, but fear only holds back for living… Don’t sabotage yourself. Go for it.”

Hayden looks thoughtful, but in truth… Maybe it’s just time to be impulsive again. Or not so impulsive since he comes to discover he’s in love with you.

***

And here come your insecurities again. You start to question yourself whether you got yourself in this too fast, if there’s something wrong with you, or even if you haven’t learned with your previous experiences in failed relationships yet.

All of this because… you’ve been going on several dates with him and nothing gives you the certainty that he corresponds you. At the same time, if this was casual he’d drop you on the first weeks because you are openly against casual sex.

So today you decide to break things with him. You don’t like uncertainties and your heart is already pained with disappointment when Hayden surprises you by paying you a visit right after you had breakfast on a Saturday morning.

“Hey, Y/Nickname. May I come in?”

“Hayden!”, you cannot conceal your surprise and Hayden may have detected your suspicious, perhaps waiting for the worse. “I wasn’t expecting you coming this early! Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, it is. I know this is unexpected but in truth there is something I wanted to talk to you.”

He hesitates, probably waiting for some reaction from you. As you say nothing, he proceeds:

“I know we’ve been hanging out more than a few weeks. I know it may seem I haven’t made my mind yet about us… The truth is always cliche, too predictable to be denied”, he hurries to short the distance between you two.

“Then tell me if it’s worth the waiting, Hayden”, you whisper, staring down to his eyes as he cups your face. “Or else I will leave…”

“No. I am not losing you, Y/N.” He murmurs firmly. “I love you.”

Your eyes go wide and your mind goes blank.

“You w-what? Are you sure? Are…”

He decides to give you an answer that will shush your doubts, doing so by kissing you fervently as he holds you in his arms.

From that day you both held the certainty in your hearts that you two are meant to be…

***

Epilogue: a year later.

Hayden watches as you take his daughter for a horseback ride, proud of how easily you bonded with her. The scene is precious before his eyes.

“Show me that trick again!”, she exclaims at you as you do some magic with a coin you had in the pocket of your jeans.

You are leading her over her mare in a green scenario, mixed with blue skies and different shades of colors that paint the walls of Hayden’s farm house. There, you live with him, occasionally joined by his daughter, precious Brie Rose, whom you get along just fine—and adore like she was your own.

And to spoil her a little more, you do as requested and she is brought to laughters. Not much later, Hayden joins you two.

“What are my favourite women in the world doing?”, he asks, hugging you from behind as he laces his daughter with a free arm, pressing a kiss on top of her head before doing the same to you.

“Riding a horse”, she tells him excitedly. “All by myself, see? Auntie Y/N taught me well.”

You cannot help at how she calls you and giggle softly. Hayden smiles brightly upon the affection she has developed to you.

“You know what, Brie? Do you think we could do this forever?”

When she turns her face to you two, you see a spark in her eyes.

“Of course! What do you think, auntie?”

You giggle quietly.

“That depends of your father, my darling.”

Hayden gently pulls you against him, a smile growing on his lips.

“Is that a yes?”

“When did I ever see refuse you anything, my love?”

And just like that a new beginning rises in the horizon for this family that you grew devoted to. One kiss and unspoken vows are sealed…

[bbobpul]

break my heart again 2 — njm

PAIRING. na jaemin x reader SUMMARY.how's jaemin gonna give back for all of y/n's efforts now that he finally can? it's been years—just how much has everything changed? GENRE. angst, fluff, she fell first 🤭 W/C. 3.5k NOTE. hello, part two is here! so sorry i couldn't make a taglist. i didn't have time to make one. nevertheless, i hope this fic make its way back to you. love u all and thankies sm !!!! also, my requests are open !!!

(⁠☉⁠｡⁠☉⁠)⁠!⁠→ my other works !!!!!! part one here!!

i find it hard to picture myself ever being as dedicated to something or someone again, just like how i dedicated my entire college life to na jaemin.

lately, i've been feeling like i forgot what it's like to actually have a dream. back then, na jaemin was my dream, he was my driving force. i would force myself to wake up so early in the morning just so i could see him (or his car) enter the gates of the university. i would go to school even though i am sick and feel a lot better when i get home because i saw na jaemin. but now two years after graduating, i still haven't found a decent job that i actually enjoy.

it's a common experience that many people go through, and i suppose i shouldn't complain about it. maybe i need to put in more effort and push myself harder. part of me wonders if having na jaemin back in my life would rekindle that same sense of dedication that i once had. but as i say these thoughts out loud, they sound absurd, even to myself. why would i wish for my first love to return just so i could find a decent job? why would i long for na jaemin to come back merely to feel that spark in my life again? it's puzzling why i'm even dwelling on thoughts of him and wondering if he holds the key to my happiness and success.

oh, to dream.

oh, for that old dedication to still burn within you.

if only you hadn't acted so dumb that day. could life have taken a different path? are you even happy now? if you hadn't let fear hold you back back then, if you'd actually been brave enough to listen and follow through, would you be happier today?

but no matter how much you keep bothering yourself with that memory, if people come up to you and ask if you feel bad about everything that happened that day, you'd say no. you don't feel bad at all.

deciding to let him go was one of the best things you did. he seemed happy when you left, and after that, you never heard anything about him. he's like a touchy subject in your group of friends, which can be tough sometimes since you share friends. but does it really matter now? him not being in your life probably means he's happier and more peaceful, right?

are you feeling peaceful? is being stuck in a 9-5 job that hardly brought you joy a happy situation? scratch that. did being in that job make you happy? clearly not, as you've just mustered the bravery to quit. and in doing so, you've never felt more joyful.

did you really make the right decision?

just as you were pondering your own question, your phone buzzed on the bedside table. you grabbed it and saw that the caller was renjun, your incredibly patient best friend.

"y/n," he said, his tone becoming unusually serious. "what's up?" you asked. "do you need money?" "yeah?" "here's the deal: our college is putting together a documentary film, and they've chosen your department. but guess what? your old classmates are bombarding me with messages because it looks like you're ignoring them all. frankly, i can't believe you even answered my call," he griped. "wait, hold on. what film? and why would they pick me? are they searching for someone with a post-college life so sad that it belongs in a documentary?" "well, you were practically a legend back in college, so… and apparently, the director specifically wants you, which leads to… well, another issue…" "what's the problem now?" "it's going to be directed by jaemin."

and just like that, you ended the call. but a few seconds later, renjun's call came in again.

"i'm not going to do it." "you stubborn brat." "why him?" "i have no idea!" "why is he even directing? wasn't he studying architecture or something?" "i don't know, y/n. i haven't heard a single thing about him since your graduation." "what do you mean?" "that's not important now, y/n. you're in need of money, right? seize the opportunity. do it for the cash." “so will you do it or will you do it?” “for the cash.”

...

"y/n, you've moved on, haven't you? what's done is done. i'm pretty sure jaemin has forgotten all about it. this chance is coming your way, so just accept it." "i guess i will."

you're drawn in by the idea of making some extra money and the possibility of catching the eye of potential agents or employers. right now, you're at a crossroads, thinking about how this documentary could be a stepping stone to more job opportunities down the line. this situation is different from what usually drives you – this time, it's not about others, it's about focusing on your own goals and aspirations.

you're deliberately avoiding dwelling on your past. just as renjun mentioned, you've moved beyond it. what's done is done. right now, your focus is firmly on the present and the potential that lies ahead in the future.

what's in the past is behind us, including whatever existed between jaemin and you.

from renjun

tomorrow at lunchtime, they'll be going over the schedules and discussing what to film. if you want, you can chat with the director now. his number is 0825 813 2000.

in response, you simply replied with a "okay."

the night before the lunch meeting, a jumble of emotions has you in its grip. the idea of reconnecting with jaemin, who used to be your best friend and is now someone distant, fills you with a sense of awkwardness. you tell yourself that this is about working together and the chance to grow professionally.

after taking a deep breath, you decide to shoot jaemin a text. your fingers hesitate as you type, and the uncertainty you're feeling seems to seep into your message. you finally press send, and your text reads, "hey, it's y/n. heard we're meeting tomorrow for the documentary. just wanted to check in before that."

in almost no time, your phone buzzes with a response: "hey y/n, good to hear from you. yeah, looking forward to our meeting. let's catch up and chat about the project."

the conversation is polite, but beneath the surface, there's an unspoken layer of complexity. you can feel the hesitation in your exchange, a silent recognition of the shared history that's now a distant memory. as you talk about the meeting and the documentary, the easy flow you once had is noticeably absent.

as the texts go back and forth, a sense of tension seems to hang in the air. it's as though the years of friendship you once had are casting a shadow over your conversation. the effortless connection you once shared now requires effort, and both of you can sense the change.

as the conversation wraps up with a simple "see you tomorrow," you're left with a mix of excitement and anxiety. the idea of seeing jaemin again, especially in a professional context, stirs up a range of emotions. this situation is a stark reminder of just how much things have changed – and maybe how some things can't go back to the way they were.

you believed the conversation had concluded, only for your phone to ring once more, bearing yet another message from him. as you read the words on the screen, "i missed you, y/n," a rush of emotions floods over you.

"what's going on with him?" you mutter to yourself, your eyebrows knitting together in confusion. your gaze remains fixed on the message for a moment, your attention drawn to the three blinking dots in the corner – a sign that he's in the process of typing a response. several more seconds tick by, the dots eventually vanishing, and in response, you shut your phone off. you make an attempt to settle into bed and get some rest, but truth be told, it's hard to claim you managed to sleep soundly that night. an undercurrent of thoughts and emotions keeps your mind restless.

the day of lunch lunch finally arrived. you sat across from jaemin, his words forming a distant hum as your thoughts remained clouded and preoccupied. the lingering impact of his recent message kept you in a state of unease, making it difficult to fully engage in the conversation he was leading.

then, something inside you snapped, and you found yourself abruptly interrupting him with a question that had been gnawing at you, "why me?"

he looked at you, his gaze steady, and his response was quick, "why not you?"

your frustration simmered as his words hit you. he was choosing to be cryptic, and it was only adding to your confusion. pushing past your exasperation, you pressed on, "listen, i know we didn't part on the best terms, but why come back now and act like everything's fine? i mean, sure, it's better than hostility, but why choose me? i'm the one who's no longer part of your life."

his expression remained neutral, void of any emotions as he replied, "that's not true."

you raised an eyebrow, challenging him to elaborate. "what's not true?"

"that you have nothing to do with my life, y/n," he stated firmly.

the weight of his words settled heavily between you two, the gravity of the situation growing more apparent. the lunch table had transformed into an arena for confronting unresolved issues.

you scoffed, unable to hold back your disbelief. "jaemin, i made one mistake, and now you're trying to imply that my actions shaped your entire life?"

his eyes held yours, unwavering. "y/n, it's not just about that one mistake. everything that followed, everything that shaped who i am today… it's all connected to you."

your mind reeled, trying to grasp the enormity of what he was suggesting. the complexities of your shared history seemed to crash over you, leaving you grappling with a whirlwind of emotions and a tangled web of unspoken feelings.

the weight of his words left you momentarily speechless, and in an attempt to shift away from the intensity, you sought to change the subject. "where are the other producers? why is it just you here?"

"y/n…" he began, his tone suggesting he wanted to continue the previous conversation.

however, you opted to sidestep the discussion entirely. you pretended as if the profound exchange hadn't just occurred. "i notice you're taking on the role of a director now. quite the career shift, huh?" you inquired, masking your internal turmoil with a casual demeanor. you acted as if there hadn't been a two-year gap in your connection, as though things between you were perfectly ordinary.

he met your gaze, a faint hint of something unreadable in his eyes. "i pursued another dream when i felt i'd lost the chance for my first one."

"your first dream… not architecture, then?" you prodded, curious about the direction he had taken.

he shook his head, a soft chuckle escaping him, leaving you puzzled yet again. "no, not architecture. well, i suppose that just wasn't meant for me back then, but maybe it is now."

the cryptic nature of his response only added to the layers of confusion and intrigue that surrounded him. there was something about the way he spoke that hinted at deeper currents beneath the surface, emotions and experiences that he hadn't fully revealed. you found yourself torn between the desire to push for answers and the instinct to allow him his privacy. the lunch meeting had transformed into a stage for untangling not just the complexities of the documentary but also the intricate web of emotions and history between you and jaemin.

leaving the restaurant, a whirlwind of unanswered questions dances in your mind. yet, for now, you choose to tuck those thoughts away, focusing instead on the looming filming date just a few days away – next saturday.

in the span of time between that lunch and the upcoming shoot, jaemin proves consistent in his attempts to bridge the gap between you two. he regularly reaches out, updating you about his day and proposing get-togethers, which you consistently decline.

the days pass, marked by a series of messages and missed opportunities. despite the undeniable tension, there's an undeniable persistence on jaemin's part, a determined effort to reconnect and reestablish a sense of familiarity. however, your apprehensions and the memories of your past dynamics hold you back, keeping you from embracing his overtures.

as the countdown to the filming day continues, you find yourself in a delicate dance – balancing the unresolved history between you and the prospects of the future. the lines between your personal and professional lives are blurred, and the documentary project becomes a backdrop against which the intricacies of your relationship with jaemin play out.

you find yourself constantly pondering what his intentions could be. his actions leave you wondering, and you can't help but question what he's aiming for. in your perspective, you're merely a negative aspect of his life – a streak of misfortune. you would have expected him to have learned from the past, but his determination remains unshakeable.

as you contemplate these thoughts, your phone lights up once more, bearing yet another message from him. his name on the screen triggers a whirlwind of emotions – a mixture of uncertainty, annoyance, and a hint of curiosity. opening the message, you brace yourself for whatever he might convey this time. the consistency in his attempts at communication only serves to deepen the intricate web of emotions you hold for him, leaving you caught between your shared history and the unpredictability of the present.

"the offer's still there, y/n. :)" "jaemin, let's be real. just because i'm on board with your documentary idea doesn't mean we're suddenly best buds again. a lot has changed." "i want to reconnect, though." "actually, scratch that. i want to get to know you all over again." "jaemin, i appreciate the effort, but let's keep things professional, okay?" “i’m sorry, y/n. goodnight.”

after your straightforward message, his responses ceased. a silence settled in, stretching on until saturday – the day you were set to see him again. the anticipation and uncertainty had been building, and now the moment was finally at hand.

you stepped into the studio and immediately noticed that you and jaemin were the only ones present. your confusion must have been evident on your face, prompting him to address the situation promptly.

"um, the team thought having fewer people in the room would create a more personal atmosphere," he began, his voice carrying a hint of unease. "and, well, they decided to keep me here, you know, being the director and all, and also because we have a history…"

his words trailed off, and there was a subtle vulnerability in his tone. it was as if he was acknowledging the intricacies of your past connection, while simultaneously recognizing the complexities it introduced into your current dynamic. the studio, usually a place of creativity and collaboration, had transformed into a space laden with the weight of your shared history.

"it's okay," you responded, your words carrying a touch of reassurance. as your reply registered, a faint smile tugged at the corners of his lips – a detail you couldn't help but notice. after all, it was that very smile that had ignited four years of your life, a smile that held memories and emotions you had both shared.

"um, i'll just ask you a few questions, and then you're free to go," he stated, his voice carrying a hint of nervousness that didn't escape your notice. this new facet of his demeanor felt unfamiliar to you, a departure from the confident jaemin you had known.

you found yourself disliking this uneasiness, and a thought occurred to you – maybe it was time to rekindle something within him. as he began asking you questions, you decided to respond in a way that would evoke a certain familiarity between you two. it was a subtle attempt to bridge the gap, to draw out the person you once knew.

you had believed that his silence was what you wanted. you had convinced yourself that distancing yourself from him would protect you from the past mistakes. but now, facing the reality of the situation, you realized that perhaps a certain selfishness was ingrained within you. maybe, just maybe, you yearned to erase the distance, to defy your own rationalizations.

in this moment, you found yourself yearning to rekindle what had been lost, to bring back a connection that once meant so much. the conflicting emotions within you painted a complex picture of your desires – a battle between self-preservation and the longing for something more.

however, as you locked eyes with him and saw the lack of any discernible emotion in his gaze, a haunting wave of fear resurfaced within you. in that moment, it was as if time rewound, taking you back to the day of your graduation when your heart and spirit had felt shattered. the memory of that painful experience rushed back, accompanied by the doubts and uncertainties that had plagued you.

if you were to truly confront your own feelings, you'd admit that what you witnessed that night had left you questioning your own worth. the events had stirred up doubts about whether you had ever been deserving of taking risks for, whether you had ever been someone worth fighting for.

"hey, good morning, y/n."

"morning, director."

"how's today treating you?"

"pretty good, thanks."

"hmm, and what's life been like after college?"

"…"

"take your time."

"at first, i felt okay. my friends were all getting closer to their dreams, and i was genuinely happy for them. especially…"

"especially who?"

"especially the person i left behind."

"…"

"i was content being happy for someone else. then another year went by, and i wasn't feeling so great anymore."

"do you really think they're happy?"

"hmm?"

"the person you left behind."

"yeah. and my other friends seem happy too. they've got jobs they love, they're with people they care about, and i only had… renjun *laughs* … but sometimes, i can't help but feel like i'm the one who got left behind, you know? even though i was the one who walked away."

"let's talk about your person."

"oh *laughs* he's not my person."

pausing for a moment, you glanced at jaemin behind the camera. the question lingered in your mind: what was he trying to do? his actions and intentions remained a puzzle.

his expression grew serious, his gaze fixed intently on you. it was as if he had something to convey, something he was holding back.

"the last time i actually saw him was in an instagram post. he was with some girl. it happened on my graduation day. i waited the whole day, hoping he'd appear in the midst of the crowd. when he didn't, i held onto the possibility of seeing him by the gates. but that didn't happen either. my last hope was maybe he'd send me a single message, but by the end of the day, nothing came. then i went on instagram and saw a photo – a warning, i guess. a warning that i should just stop hoping. that… happened a few weeks later, i think. or maybe it was just a few days after our argument, the one where he told me he couldn't love… yeah."

you met his gaze and once again, his face was serious. his eyes were furrowed and his mouth was slightly open. a few moments passed, and he let out a shaky breath. screw it, you thought, it's out there now and i don't care anymore.

your silent exchange was interrupted as he shifted the camera away. confusion clouded your thoughts as you watched him move. he turned back to you, his expression still serious, and then he grabbed a chair from the nearby table. he sat down with his back facing you.

the room felt charged with unspoken emotions, leaving you to question his intentions and actions. it was as if he was peeling away layers, searching for something beneath the surface.

"did you know that…" he began, his voice breaking the silence. "she was his sister?"

"i never told you about her, that's on me," he admitted with a chuckle. "that was her last day, y/n. so i decided to spend the entire day with her. i'm sorry."

you were taken aback. "i'm sorry–"

"it's okay, y/n."

"i know i left you with so many questions that night, but let me tell you… every effort you made, every cookie you baked, i cherished all of it. i loved you. i'm sorry if my actions made you doubt yourself."

another pause filled the air.

"i left when you left."

"you were my dream. architecture wasn't really my passion, you know? i was struggling a lot, but luckily, you were there with me. i decided to chase after what i truly loved when you left, because i realized if i wanted you back in my life, it should be when i'm at my best, right? i wasn't lying when i said i couldn't love. i didn't want to love you when i was broken. i wanted to be the best version of myself for you. i thought that if i wanted you to be with the best person, then that should be me. so i became that person, a director, and then i planned all of this." his eyes finally met yours.

"i was always looking at you."

tears welled up in your eyes, and he seemed to notice. he took a step towards you and enveloped you in his arms.

"i'm sorry for not holding onto you back then, baby. but i promise, i won't let go of you now," he whispered.

"i'm sorry for leaving, jaemin," you sobbed.

"shh, you did what you thought was right."

"do you want to have lunch with me now?" he asked.

a mixture of emotions flooded your heart, and with a nod, you replied, "yes, jaemin."

[the-lean-buddha]

My thoughts on the news about The Long Walk's film adaption

I have very little faith that The Long Walk will be a good adaption but maybe I'll be wrong! I can dream, and I've been wrong before. Here are my thoughts on the casting announcements and set pictures.

Cooper Hoffman and David Jonsson are the leads, according to Deadline, which means they're presumably Garraty and McVries. Jonsson seems like a good actor but an awful fit for either character, and with Hoffman (presumably Garraty) it comes down to how good an actor he is, I guess, because I can see it working if I squint but I haven't seen anything from Hoffman to suggest he can do Garraty. And I reaaaaally doubt he could do McVries. McVries has a bite to him.

Joshua Odjick is Native American so he's presumably Joe or Mike (not to say that a different character couldn't theoretically be Native American in the adaption, but it's key to Joe and Mike that none of the other Walkers understand their culture at all, and only Baker defends their parents). It's odd that either of those two would have a prominent enough role to be cast already, so I wonder if either one of their roles is beefed up, or if Mike and Scramm will be a composite character and Joe won't feature at all. Alternatively, Odjick isn't playing a Native American character (or he is but Mike and Joe are adapted out), in which case I'd guess Parker.

Roman Griffin Davis is someone I've only ever seen in Jojo Rabbit so I don't know how much range he has. I think he'd fit best as Barkovitch but I wouldn't be surprised if he's been cast as Baker or Olson.

Charlie Plummer is Stebbins. I say this almost entirely because he's a long-haired blonde. If McVries is black then book descriptions (and characterizations, let's be honest, you can't make McVries a black kid in the 70s and keep his character the same) are thrown out the door already, but google Charlie Plummer and tell me he's not been cast as Stebbins. Also, take a look at this.

Ben Wang is Asian American and there are no explicitly Asian American characters, so we've gotta guess this one purely on Vibes (Olson and Barkovitch could both be canonically Asian American, but Barkovitch is openly racist, so). From Wang's YouTube channel and some clips of Chinese Born American I found, he's a nice and playful guy (hmu Ben let's get a lemonade, also tell me who you're playing), so I'd assume Baker or Olson or Abraham because they fit that the closest, I guess? But this is unfortunately a flawed way of guessing because actors playing lunatics are sometimes normal people in real life, walking among us, going almost undetected.

Tut Nyuot's a young, sweet-looking kid. I'd assume Percy? Again, weird to cast Percy already because he doesn't even have any lines in the book, but I can't imagine Nyuout playing a character who's supposed to be the same age as Charlie Plummer's character. Maybe he's unexpectedly good at playing deranged assholes like Barkovitch? We'll see.

For Garrett Wareing I'd say Olson, looking through clips and interviews.

Jordan Gonzalez gives me no strong impression. Sorry, Jordan. Feel free to give me a stronger one over lemonade (and tell me who you're playing). If I'm held at gunpoint then I'll say Abraham.

Mark Hamill is presumably playing the Major. He's absolutely not who I would have picked because he overflows with character and I always pictured the Major as a stoic, empty Big Brother type figure, whose moments of charisma and friendliness were obviously just an act. And I guess Hamill could play that, but I think the Major will more likely have a lot more personality and vim and vigor in the movie, if Hamill was cast - he's easily the biggest draw in the cast. Not necessarily a bad way to portray the Major, but easier to mess up. We'll wait and see.

Judy Greer as presumably Mrs. Garraty will presumably be fine.

Set photos look promising, aesthetically. No half-track, though. And there's a tank. Why is there a tank?

There's a Deadline article suggesting that there are only 50 kids and the pace limit is 3mph. But there's also an article suggesting it's still 100 kids so it might be a mistake? If it's 50 kids then that's presumably done for practicality but it's a bad change, the number will either get too low too fast or it'll drop too slowly (and also no 47 and 61 which would be weird but that's not significant). 3mph isn't necessarily bad, it's more feasible, but it does mean the "first into Massachusetts in seventeen years" can't happen. Maybe they'll make New Hampshire the record instead.

i want lemonade

Reblog with your thoughts! We've got news, people, and I'm sure someone somewhere is more excited about that than I am. Let's get some discussion going on in here.

[carpooling-the-internet]

Star Trek fanfic recs

A long list of some of my all time favorite Star Trek fics. Not in any order. I just combed through my ao3 bookmarks for fics that still resonate with me and really blew me away. I will try to tag the authors if I can find blogs for them. If you know an authors blog I haven’t tagged, please tag them!

I dont have the spoons to write lil reviews for each fic bc theres toooooo many but maybe I’ll come back and edit some in sometime.

And eventually I’m gonna make a list like this for Sherlock Holmes and a few other fandoms. Also want to make one specific to podfics. We’ll see what happens first! This took me way longer than I thought it would…

Recs below the cut!

Star Trek TOS and AOS

The Thousandth Man (56187 words) by Ophelia_j In the wake of pon farr, the events on Vulcan are weighing heavy on Spock and his Captain. But will their attempt to fix the problem only make things worse?

The effect of sucrose on Vulcans (2290 words) by Ophelia_j After a successful diplomatic mission, Jim begins to suspect there's something wrong with Spock. Some Old Married Spirk Fluff for the 2019 OMS Challenge, for the awesome plaidshirtjimkirk.

The Eleventh Hour (8551 words) by Ophelia_j During a joint lecture at the Academy, Spock senses that Kirk is growing tired of the secrecy around their relationship and takes steps to resolve the matter.

A Crazy Little Thing Called Love (14940 words) by VTsuion The development of Kirk and Spock's relationship over the course of The Original Series, told in a series of off-screen moments.

The World Turned Upside Down (24777 words) by Jenna Hilary Sinclair On a planet torn by civil war, Kirk must battle insurgents, a Vulcan Healer, and his own heartbreak to find his way to Spock.

The Ren shat'var Trilogy (184,403 words) by CateAdams A split-second decision changes Jim's life forever, as he enters into a bond with Spock in the face of certain torture. Enemies to the Federation emerge from unlikely places, and the command team must contend with unexpected threats, as well as challenges within their own intense relationship. In this three-part series, the Enterprise races across the galaxy to confront the unknown, and Jim and Spock discover the true significance of their unprecedented connection.

First, Best Destiny - Parts One and Two (387733 words) by Ophelia_j A novel-length retelling of original Star Trek canon through the lens of one of the greatest relationships ever committed to film. Using missing scenes, episode tags, and original story-telling. Ultimately a Generations fix-it.

All the Time in the World (27856 words) by LSPINGLES The death of Edith Keeler affects Kirk and Spock in different ways. Spock invites Kirk to come with him to Vulcan to heal. Along the way the learn something about their feelings for each other.

Spice (276553 words) by eimeo It’s a question of biology. Vulcan biology. The problem with falling in love with a member of an insanely private species is that it just might take you the best part of a five year mission to work out that the feelings are requited. And then you might discover that he’s already decided that the two of you can never be together. And what are you supposed to do if he won’t tell you why?

Fulfilling the Needs of the One (Or the Both) (8741 words) by plaidshirtjimkirk Spock begins to wonder if his relationship with Jim has been one-sided in his own favor.

Touch Upon the Wonders that You See (4071 words) by waldorph Sarek does not always understand his son, but that does not mean he does not love him.

Entering Orbit (30957 words) by museaway Jim escapes to Iowa to avoid the media frenzy following the Narada incident, but a late-night miscommunication results in Spock turning up on his front porch.

Something Smart to Do (21322 words) by kianspo In which Jim finds himself fake-married to his first officer every other month. It's not his fault. Mostly. Dowries and Klingons are involved. Starfleet is decidedly not amused.

Don't Stop Believing (205901 words) by kianspo The story follows Spock from his own days as a cadet at Starfleet Academy to the ‘present day’ when he’s Kirk’s first officer and the Enterprise is on its five-year mission. Essentially, the story of Spock’s first real love followed by the story of him finding the love of his life. Ad astra per aspera.

And Then I Let It Go (10632 words) by kianspo Post-Star Trek Beyond. The crew of the Enterprise gets a breather while they are waiting for their new ship. Jim uses the time to do something he had sworn he would never do.

The Lotus Eaters (93594 words) by aldora89 Stranded on the planet Sigma Nox while searching for a missing away team, Spock and Kirk find themselves pitted against a disturbing native life form. With the captain out of commission on a regular basis and Spock struggling to preserve his stoicism, staying alive is difficult enough – but when a slim chance for escape surfaces, their resolve is truly put to the test. Together they must fight for survival in the heart of an alien jungle, and in the process, uncover the mystery of the planet’s past. Slow build K/S.

Atlas (135529 words) by distractedKat Between what was and what will be stands James Tiberius Kirk, in all his fractured patchwork glory. Because saving the Federation was only the beginning. A novel-length continuation of the 2009 movie told in four parts. Cross-posted from FFN. PODFIC AVAILABLE! https://archiveofourown.org/works/652116/chapters/1187249

The Word Withheld (12032 words) by j_s_cavalcante After retrieving Kirk from the interspatial rift of "The Tholian Web," Spock realizes his oath to Starfleet and his service aboard the Enterprise are in jeopardy because he has denied to himself—and withheld from Kirk—a certain truth about the nature of the Vulcan relationship called "t’hy’la."

this is what happens when you save earth, apparently (5454 words) by WerewolvesAreReal “So, why haven't you settled down with some lucky lady yet?” the interviewer asks. Maybe it's the blinding set-lights, or the fact that he hasn't slept in thirty-five hours. But for some reason Kirk blurts, “Honestly, they all end up getting jealous of Spock.”

Four times the Enterprise Crew didn´t realize that their commanding officers were married to each other and one time they finally found out (4130 words) by razzleberryicedtea In which Spock and Jim casually forget to mention that they are married, and the Enterprise crew is too oblivious to notice on their own

A Star to Steer By (32043 words) by Borealisblue Kidnapped, injured, and headed towards Romulan space, Kirk could only be grateful that his last act was saving Spock from the same fate. And all it had cost was a stolen kiss.

An Open Secret (3495 words) by TransScribe Amanda Grayson knew her son. She could read him, easily. That might've been why she had suspicions about his relationship long before he said anything. It was more likely because subtlety was not a trait Spock had inherited.

the book of love (7297 words) by miss_frankenstein When yet another away mission goes awry, Jim and Spock are left stranded on a hostile planet with nothing to do but talk. What follows is a conversation about art and literature, life and death, love and friendship.

Take My Hand (My Whole Life Too) (5981 words) by pastmydancingdays Whilst in one of the most dangerous situations of his life, Jim Kirk came to a realisation that he should have had a very long time ago. Two, in fact, and he was about to let neither go to waste. A potential epilogue to Amok Time.

Ashayam (3378 words) by Willowe Spock knows he has no right to refer to Jim as any sort of endearment, even in the privacy of his own thoughts. If he had only listened to this logic he wouldn't find himself in this position, standing on the bridge having just called his captain "ashayam".

@ophelia-j

@razzleberryicedtea

@vtsuion

@plaidshirtjimkirk

@cate-adams

@pastmydancingdays

@werewolves-are-real

@eimeo-blog

@aldora89-blog

@museaway

@kianspo

@lspingles

@waldorph

@miss-frankenstein

[that-ari-blogger]

Wicked And Worldbuilding (One Short Day)

The medicine journey is a stock storyline across a ton of literature and mythology. It's the hero's journey, but broader. The protagonist must go to a place (physical or metaphorical) to retrieve a thing (the medicine) and return home. Sometimes the medicine is enlightenment, or a secret suitcase with the MacGuffin the spies are all after, or even literally just medicine. The story focuses in on this journey.

The Wizard Of Oz follows this plot in a roundabout way, and its prequel, Wicked looks like it is doing the same. But Wicked is a satire, and so it takes this plot and twists it in a different direction. Before it can do that, however, it needs to plant its heroes in a new location.

Enter One Short Day, a song that is essentially just a transition piece to show the audience that the geography has changed. But this song manages to do a lot of worldbuilding for this place, and for some of the people who reside in it.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD: (Wicked, Annie)

So... the Emerald City is New York City. Not explicitly, this isn't like Aslan, and the argument for the metaphor is shaky. I'm talking about vibes here.

Speaking as a non-American, New York has the stereotype of being "the big city", the place that is fast moving and cosmopolitan and chaotic in that way that you can't help but love. I don't know how well it lives up the image, but I'm guessing it's slightly more complicated.

Anyway, that's what Oz is, that stereotype, but with complications. And just like any stereotype, the closer you look to it, the more it diverges, and we will get to that.

But first, you know why I associate this stereotype with New York? And why I associate the Emerald City with that stereotype? Annie, which has this exact song, but for New York.

For those who don't know, Annie is a 1977 musical and a half decent 2014 film about a billionaire named Oliver Warbucks who adopts an orphan for the hell of it. There is a lot more to it, but you don't need to know that for this post.

During the story, Warbucks decides to show Annie around New York, and the audience is treated to a song called N.Y.C, which has lyrics like this:

"The city's bright As a penny arcade It blinks, it tilts, it rings." "To think that I've lived here all of my life And never seen these things"

Compare that to the following from One Short Day:

"There are buildings tall as quoxwood trees" "Dress salons" "And libraries" "Palaces!" "Museums!" "A hundred strong" "There are wonders like I've never seen" "It's all grand" "And it's all green" "I think we've found the place where we belong!"

So, there's very much a common link between the two. You, the audience, are supposed to feel awe for this new place. The characters are small fish in the sea and everything has a sense of wonder.

But did you catch Annie's line in N.Y.C? "I've lived here all my life and never seen such things." Annie has some themes that, while not the focus, are far from subtext. In this case, New York City is a great and wonderous place... for rich people.

Wicked does this kind of thing a lot, because in this story, duality is a core tenet, and the first thing to talk about is the sycophantic nature of the citizens. Although that isn't exactly the truth, is it?

"Who's the mage Whose major itinerary Is making all Oz merrier? Who's the sage Who sagely sailed in to save our posteriors? Whose enthuse for hot air ballooning Has all of Oz honeymooning? Isn't he wonderful?"

This doesn't read to me like spontaneous love for a leader, especially since the Wizard is established later to be looking into improving efficiency through a system of spies, and his second in command is his press secretary. Is it that far out of the question that this might be, in some way, propaganda?

That reflects on to the rest of the song. Oz is wonderous, but it feels fake. The actors are playing characters who are putting on a show by everything they do. All the citizens of Oz are living in a delicate balance of seeking popularity and coveting the popular. Everything is fake, and the fact that the real-life actors manage to get that across intentionally is really impressive.

I went to see the musical in Sydney twice (I knew one of the cast members), and the difference in performance between the first performance and the last was incredible. Not in terms of quality, but in terms of the emotions being conveyed. Most notably, Courtney Monsma's Glinda and Sheridan Adams' Elphaba changed from joy and wonder the first time, to the kind of disbelieving amazement of watching a drunk friend do something somehow both stupid as hell and genuinely impressive at the same time.

"We're just two friends." "Two good friends." "Two best friends"

Ah yes, the totally platonic and completely "just friends" maneuver of immediately relocating your entire life after your friend quietly asks if you want to come with them.

It is also notable that Glinda is the one standing out in this place. This is Elphaba's world, and Glinda is highlighted in it in gold. Just something to point out.

But, back to the worldbuilding, I think its important that Elphaba fits in here, because Wicked is a story about dreams and reality colliding, and part of that is Elphaba's dream of belonging, and freedom from ridicule. It feels important to the gut punch that she comes so unbelievably close to getting what she wants, but it isn't her that's the problem here, its the falseness of the Emerald City and Oz as a whole.

"You look positively emerald."

Suddenly, Elphie is in a place where green is a compliment. This is the defining abnormality, the thing that everyone, even her father, used as an insult.

And if you want something incredible to drive home this point, in the books, the Emerald City isn't even green. The outer wall is green, but the inside only looks that way because everyone is wearing mandatory tinted glasses make it look that way. The Emerald City's name is a lie. Everyone is just so caught up in the moment that they don't notice. It's like rose tinted glasses, but emerald.

The green-ness is actually fascinating, because the colour is usually associated with sickness and evil, but the story has been chipping away at that association through Elphaba's entire deal. So, the thematic of a specifically green city is confused, and I don't actually know what to take away from that.

Also, the Wizard dancers look like... well I'm not going to explain what they look like because I want to keep this vaguely PG. But suffice to say this: It is a cool piece of visual storytelling that, under all the facade of heroism and wisdom and magic, the wizard is barely more than a bellend with a bow tie.

Final Thoughts

I have a completely irrational love for this song, derived entirely from my time performing this musical back in high school. I was the guy at the end who shouted, "the wizard will see you now", and that's all it took to get me to like it.

The song still isn't my favourite, however. I'm going to keep y'all guessing about what that is until we get there.

Next week, I will be looking at Sentimental Man, a song that deconstructs the musical's idea of truth. So, stick around if that interests you.

Previous - Next

[lythea-creation]

Caught on Camera - Shams x fem reader (Chapter 1)

summary: In a world full of wannabe influencers, (f/n) prefers to be a private person. But as Shams doesn't seem to care much about ones privacy, the two of them have quite a lot to discuss.

warnings: same theme as the series

word count: 975

Author's note: Feel free to check out my Masterlists and make requests. No reposting please! Reblogging, comments and requests are always appreciated <3 If you like the story/my writing, please don't be shy to say it via comments or asks! It takes you a few seconds and might make my day. It's the best appreciation you can show to a writer you like.

requested? Yes

----------------------------

In a time where social media were basically ruling the world, people thought of me as weird for avoiding them most of the time. It was not like I was completely against them. I just did not feel the need to post my life. Actually I thought that people who were posting their life were not content enough with it to just enjoy it. Instead they had to waste it on making everyone believe they were being as perfect as possible.

Nevertheless I came along with my classmates, even the most popular ones like Tasneem and Hiba. I was simply a private person. Therefore I was alone a lot of the time as well, sometimes hanging out with Nadeen.

I liked her attitude, standing up for herself and others, staying true to herself.

Although that was also what got me caught up in this mess of sitting outside in the burning sun to make a stand. The irony of it all was that Nadeen, Shams and I were the only ones outside at the end, though we did not care that much about our phones.

To be honest I did not really know what to think about Shams. On the one hand she seemed to be nice, offering us food and talking to us, and I was curious because I barely knew anything about her. On the other hand I did not like the fact that she was carrying around a camera all the time. It kinda made me feel watched. Like I had to be on guard to make sure she was not filming me.

“What are you up to today? Wanna hang out?”, Nadeen asked me when the school bell rang for the last time.

“Sure”, I agreed. “But please no more horror movies.”

“Why not? Your reactions are too good to miss out on”, she proclaimed with a chuckle.

“It's not my fault that I take movies too seriously. Of course the scary ones freak me out”, I justified myself.

“Though they're not even scary”, Nadeen shot back.

“How about you tell my dreams exactly that?”, I suggested, now laughing myself.

In the end she persuaded me to watch another one. I just could not say no to her when she offered to let me sleep over because that was always my condition for watching horror movies with her. It was hard to fall asleep if I was alone afterwards.

“What are you watching?”, I wondered when Nadeen was laughing about something on her phone.

“It's one of Sarah's videos. But this one is actually funny”, she enlightened me and rewound it to let me see the beginning as well.

It was about different types of girls at our school. She depicted me as the artsy fangirl which I could not deny. After all I was always scribbling away at some quick sketches or short stories about my favorite book and movie characters.

But when the video showed The Critic, which was obviously supposed to be Nadeen. Honestly I could not understand how Sarah could post something like that about Nadeen, considering they were friends.

The hurt was written all over Nadeen's face before she quickly hid it behind a nonchalant mask.

“It's blowing up”, I noticed.

Her views, likes and comments were basically exploding the more time passed. It was insane.

And on the next day Sarah moved on from invisible to absolute spotlight.

I tried to stay close to Nadeen as Sarah did not seem to take any interest in talking to her friend, now that she had other options. That was one of many reasons to hate social media. But never mind.

My eyes moved away from Sarah as I observed my environment. It was nothing unusual for me to do. From time to time it could be useful. That way I could stay out of the trouble and drama.

But this time I did not like what I saw.

Quickly I made my way over to Shams. “Were you just filming us?”, I accused her.

The others were too busy crowding Sarah to notice our discussion.

“Why does it matter?”, Shams remarked.

“I didn't allow you to film me”, I pointed out.

“So what? Everybody is running around filming nowadays. Why is it different when I do it with a real camera instead of a phone?”, she considered.

“I don't care about the kind of camera. Just delete it”, I requested.

“I'll cut you out of it if you stop bugging me. And don't chat it around. People behave differently when they're aware of being filmed.”

“Why should I do that? I don't owe you anything”, I declared.

“Look. Maybe you don't like what I'm doing, but I'm just expressing myself through art like you do”, she claimed.

“What are you talking about?”, I inquired.

“Your sketches and stories. I haven't read any of them, but it's obvious that you're passionate about them. So you should be able to see my point”, she resonated.

“You truly are a stalker”, I noted, taking a step closer to her.

Somehow this discussion had quickly become heated and despite my anger I had to admit that I was feeling a pull toward her.

“I'm a film maker. That's the point. By the way, you're the only one that cares. Everybody else is way too busy with their petty online lives and little drama. So can you just let it go? I promise to cut you out. It's for the sake of art”, she stated.

For a moment we were staring each other down, contemplating what to do next. And for some reason it became harder and harder to stay close. So I gave in.

“Fine”, I grumbled and stormed off.

------------------------------

Next Chapter

i decided to make this one a fanfiction with rather short chapters, so you guys won't have to wait as long to read another one as I don't know how much time I'll have to write. Thanks to sunwoniie for requesting. I hope you all like the first chapter. Feel free to make suggestions about the next chapters. Maybe I'll integrate some aspects you want.

Tag List: @sunwoniie

[iznsfw]

People say that everyone is connected by a red string of fate. The people we are destined to be with could be close by while some cases the string stretches out.

You have the ability to see other people's red string as well as your own, but in your case you haven't found the person at the end of the string. Time passes and you see that the color red started to fade away, which you didn't mind.

One day while you're working the late night shift at the convenience store when a girl suddenly entered the convenience store. When she reaches the counter she places two bottles of soju and a couple cans of beer. You catch a glimpse of her face, even in that small period of time you saw how beautiful she is. She then hands you her card, and right then and there the two ends of the string meet.

"Sorry, but can I ask what's your name?"

"Kwon Eunbi."

Now, how would you tell Eunbi that both of you are bound to fall in love at the cost of one of your lives?

i'm looking right at the other half of me

[ IZ*ONE's Eunbi x Male Reader Fluff & Angst ]

4540 words

masterlist

This took so long... and finally it's out! Thank you @brokennightmares01 for such a great idea, and I'm sorry I took so long to reply </3 This was difficult emotionally to write. I guess I'm just too attached to Eunbi lmfao

"The fuck are you looking at, cunt?"

Ah, welcome to South Korea, one of the many places in this miserable world where you can just be an adult fresh out of teen years trying to make a living, yet still be bothered by people like this one. You never should have agreed to this ridiculous night shift. There were less of these freaks in the daylight.

You look away from the musty man and give no response. It's how you deal with ninety-eight percent of these situations. It's the safest way to go around it, but also the most dangerous. You never know when you looked or said nothing the wrong way.

11 PM on the clock. Just five more hours to go and you're good, you reassure yourself. Remember, the pay will be much bigger if you go through this shift.

"That'll be a total of 17000 won, sir," you inform the man, looking nowhere but down. Down as you collect the change and the receipt. Down as you pass the money to his hands blackened from dirt and grease.

When he leaves, you feel the relief come back to you. Oh, you're thankful just to live another night. You may hate this world and all the miserable little fuckers in it, but it's no good lying and saying you thought death was the best escape route. No, death would do nothing at best. You have no family, you have little friends. Being dead changes absolutely nothing. Because of that, you just have to hang on the best you can.

It can be pretty hard sometimes.

You hope that there won't be any more customers. You don't have the mood to deal with more rude individuals who don't see you as an individual. You're just a servant to them. Although that's kind of your job, it hurts to see how differently people look at you if you had a different job, looked a little differently.

The bells to the 7-11 ring. A woman enters.

Strange how you knew it was her from the moment she entered. From the moment you caught an eyeful of her pretty face, her pretty smile, you know now that you've finally met her.

It's ruining you. She's ruining you. It should have been a moment of evangelization, finally meeting the supposed love of your life. But what good is there in having one when you know just by looking at the red string, that you could die at the climax of your meeting? That she could die? It's like an indie film with a poor plot twist.

When you ask her her name, she's blunt. Straight to the point; no poorly composed giggle or attempt at conversation. She looks tired—her eyes are swollen with red, from what you guess isn't sourced from just lack of sleep. What was she doing, you wonder, during all the time she hasn't found you? How was she doing?

"Well?" she prompts, rather impatiently.

You realize you've been staring at the red thinning thread between the two of you for too long. The more you gaze at it, the more fear you feel for the two of you. But there comes the love, too; she's like living deja vu. You've seen her before, you're sure. You just can't place where. But she reminds you of a good memory nested in a photo album, a sweet puppy love crush in middle school years. Eunbi is nostalgia, sweetness, affectionateness—all rolled into one pretty girl you meet by chance, who also happens to be your lover.

(Not yet, anyway, but soon.

Soon? You can't love her! If you fall in love with her, she could die. You could die. If you went ahead with this, one of you could just drop dead during a normal date. One of you would be left alone, heartbroken for life. This is a world where there would be no other one for you. No, the crush you had in middle school for whom you tried desperately to match your string with isn't your destiny. Neither was that one-night stand. There's only one for you, molded by whatever came before the world, and she just told you her name. You can't just move on to a rebound.

But you can't just... stop this from happening, can you? It's fate; there's no easy way around it. You're made to fall in love no matter what happens, no matter how short the time you have left is.

So, what should you do?)

"It's on the house," you tell her.

"Don't test me, please," she says tiredly. She's supporting herself by one arm perched on the counter, gazing at you with unamused pupils. "I've had a long night. I just need the beer and you can go your merry little way out of this underpaying convenience store."

Ouch. "Are you usually this straightforward, Kwon Eunbi?"

"Are you usually this desperate for a good fuck?" she counters smartly.

"Y-you're pretty and all," you admit. You have to admit you were not exactly just admiring her gorgeous face, but also her gorgeous body. But you have your morals, and she has hers. You have no intention that strays from wanting to settle this out. "But I don't want to fuck you. I promise."

"Huh." Eunbi smiles, crossing her arms on top of her green sweatshirt. "That's a first."

You push back her credit card, sliding it above the smooth cashier counter-table. "Do guys not, like, do stuff for you without wanting a 'favor' in return?" you ask.

Eunbi shrugs. "I guess. They just think I'm a pretty face with a pair of tits. Nothing more." She slides back her card. Her forced, sarcastic smile warns you to not play this losing game with her—you're tired, she's tired, you both want an easy way out.

"Well then let me be the first."

"And why would you do that for me," Eunbi leans over the counter, looking up at you with a sweetly challenging smile, "mister Nice Guy?"

She's right. What proper answer can you give her without sounding like a creep? What were you supposed to do, anyway? Tell her you're the love of your life who needs to spend all hours of the day with you now before it's too late?

"I guess we'll have to find out," you say steadily.

It's definitely not an answer she expected, but hey, she's smiling. It must mean something.

-

"You left your shift just like that?" Eunbi asks, looking back at the 7-11. It's a dark, pitch-black night, and the forest surrounding the area doesn't look too safe. You've ventured in scarier places before, though, so they can give as good as they can, and you'd be unbothered. Working in retail gives you that immunity.

You answer, "Yeah." Unscrew the cork from the soju while Eunbi pops open a can of sizzling beer. The smell mixes in with the natural scent of leaves and ground. Your 7-11 is set in a rather rural part of the city, as ironic and contradicting as it sounds, so the smell of gasoline and smoke is much more distant than one would think.

"Wish I could say that for myself," Eunbi says, shaking her head with a smile. God, she's pretty. She has the cutest, most mischievous-looking smile in the world. And yes, you're pushing through Korea and setting that record for her. Her smile is contained and small, not as wide as your friend Jiwoo's or as timid as Hyewon's, but her eyes slant upwards, adding to the cuteness factor. "Should have ditched that exam the second I saw Professor Bae was in the class."

"You're still in school?"

You can't remember the last time you stepped foot into a college. There's a reason you've been working at 7-11 ever since the first semester: you couldn't pay for it. You saved every penny and dime you could find, yet never got to the needed amount. This girl's lucky to even be attending classes.

Beer drapes Eunbi's plump lower lip as she takes it all in, bottoms up. You can tell she's been drinking for most of her life—she barely struggles for air while she downs the intoxicating liquid.

The can goes down, and her head remains tilted downwards from the back as well. Her eyes are a different story, though. They're hidden far back her eyelids. " Fuck, that always feels so good," sighs Eunbi.

"Careful," you add helpfully.

"Fuck you. Why do you care?"

Because I already love you. Okay, let's settle for "like," just in case you want to take things slow. But I know I love you because I've been searching for you my whole life. Because that's how it's supposed to happen. Because you're so pretty but so fucking lonely that it makes me want to protect you. Because I don't want to leave you when we both need each other, when you probably need more help than I do. Because—

"I don't know," you say. Shrug. "It feels right. Don't you think?"

Eunbi giggles a little. "Yeah, you're right. It sure does."

Suppose since Eunbi's drinking straight from the can, you can drink straight from the bottle. It's been a minute or more since you had soju. And it's... good. Weird, but still good. Drinks like these are on your neither-good-or-bad side. They're just something to fill your stomach when food becomes scarce, or when strength is so scarce you can't eat food around the house.

You would offer some to Eunbi so she can finish it instead of you, but she doesn't look like the type of girl to be able to stomach down a mix of liquids, no matter how "similar" they are. So you hold yourself back.

The forest has streetlights, so you safely go through there. It's not a typical wilderness kind of forest, but one you just like to call as one for the mass of trees. There aren't any animals—just you, Eunbi, and the pregnant moon.

Minutes pass filled with nothing but silence (except for twigs snapping), and finally Eunbi speaks up. "Yeah, I'm in school," she answers. It's probably just to fill the awkward silence, but it's already a step.

"Uni?"

"How'd you know?"

Lucky guess? Lover's instinct? You-or-me-can-die-at-any-given-second-if-we-fall-in-love instinct?

You force a grin. "Just do. Is the drinking because of the exam thing?"

Eunbi's shoulders slump. "Yeah," she says. "But I've been drinking even before that, so don't you worry. I'm an experienced alcoholic."

"Gotcha. I wasn't planning to, though."

Wrong words. Wrong delivery. You picture the frown that would darken her features, but once you look into the bigger picture, all you can see on her face is an entertained smile.

She bumps you, driving you sideways of the road. Shocked, you do the same. But she's stronger than you thought. If she put all her might into it, she can knock you down and send you rolling down the hill. And she almost, almost does, if it weren't for your grab at her arm. From there, you maneuver the force she exerts into nothing but air, pulling her to you. It ends up with her back against your front and her small face right below your chin.

And now, you're staring each other down. Great. Way to go for the first meeting. You got drunk and bumped into each other on purpose then you wrestled her to stay calm. To finish it off, there's this staring contest.

Her long dark hair rounds her face, which displays a challenge: keep your front strong. But it's not easy to when you literally have the prettiest girl you've ever seen pinned to your chest, with her back and bum pressed firmly to your front, and her pretty face looking arrogant and smug in the moonlight.

Stare her down. She looks deeply into your eyes.

One. Two. Three? Four. Then, five—

Eunbi's blink signals defeat. Still looking up at you, with her head tilted backwards, she smiles. "I like you, mister Nice Guy," she says.

"You're not so bad yourself, Kwon Eunbi."

"Hm," she chuckles. She pulls away. "What's next?"

"Mall?" you offer.

To your surprise, she laughs. "The mall? At this hour?" she asks you, just to make sure you aren't kidding or anything.

"Why not? We're both depressed kids trying to survive. Can't we call this a cheat day?"

Eunbi considers this. "As long as I ride shotgun."

"Wait," you say, holding up your hands, "how'd you know I drive a—"

Cold metal meets your palm. Eunbi's holding your ring of keys in place with your hand. Your fingers are curled around each other. Your breath feels nonexistent.

Eunbi bumps the signal button with the heel of her wrist and looks deep into the woods expectantly. Your car then beeps to life, sending a red signal to the darkness and blaring its lights. Your mouth is sore from it being wide open the entire time.

"Lucky guess" is all Eunbi is able to offer as an answer.

-

Okay, so the love of your life pickpocketed your car keys and you didn't know until she chose to tell you herself. Wifey material? Probably.

You're on the road, veering through a clear path on the way to your local mall. It's known for having a twenty-four-hour open time, so it's sure to have a majority of its stores open, even at this hour. You can probably spend a lot of time there doing fun stuff.

Eunbi's beside you in the passenger seat. The wind whips her black hair back. She's smiling; that gives you a bit of fulfilment. But then she says:

"You're a terrible driver."

"Oh yeah? I bet you can't drive for shit either!" You have to yell over the gusts of wind entering your rolled-down windows.

Grasslands and trees say hello and goodbye to your side point of view. When you were younger, you tried to say hi to them and goodbye as quickly as you could, knowing the speed of the car your father drove would make it impossible for you to have a proper time with the view. Your dad drank and drove like a maniac, hence your driving.

But you aim not to become the person your father once was.

"Okay, dad!"

Great timing. "I'm not your daddy, Eunbi!" you shoot back. "I'm just saying—"

"Nobody said you were! I said you were my dad! "

"What?"

"Nothing!" Eunbi tosses the empty can outside the window. The world is already polluted as it is. There won't be any harm in littering. "I said you were a shit driver!"

"No, I heard you!" Take a left. The soju bottles almost crash. " Dad and daddy are completely different things, Eunbi!"

"For your porn-addicted self, maybe!"

"I'm... I'm not addicted to porn!" you say indignantly. You've watched some before, but it never grew to an addiction. It's just an occasional source of dopamine on lonely nights. "Just... watch your wording, is all!"

Eunbi scoffs, smirking in disbelief. "Daddy issues?"

The car slows down, but you aren't even near the mall yet. Your shoulders tense. The mention of your father, or anything related to that, makes you feel ill.

Every day that passes, you try to convince yourself that your father only wanted the best for you. That was why he was like that. But you can't come up with a fitting justification, which probably should have made clear to you your father's heart wasn't pure at all.

What's left of it lies in a small urn back at your apartment. You didn't know why you bothered taking home an urn containing the memories of the man who hurt you, who did not look at you as if you were his own flesh and blood.

"Yeah, I think so," you mutter. You start up the car's pace again. No use trying to cover it up; the red is already fading.

Eunbi smiles tightly. "Same here. More on mommy issues, but dad... he was something else."

Laugh a little. "Tell me about it, huh?"

In a fucked up way, you and Eunbi are meant to be. Both of you are tired, both of you have (or had) horrible parents. They say that opposites attract, but love and fate can easily shoot that misconception down, because when you look at Eunbi, you can see your reflection, your self, looking back at you. The swollen eyes, tired face... they all scream you. You wonder if she knows that the two of you are bound to be together. And if she has no idea, how would you tell her?

You get off the car at the local mall. It's a lonely Friday night. Nobody is out here except the store owners and the like. Nothing and no one else.

You walk in, still in your 7-11 uniform: a white polo shirt and a green vest, complete with your name on a golden tag, and Eunbi in her green 1987 sweatshirt.

"Baskin Robbins?" you offer, spotting an ice cream stand just as you enter the building.

"I'd rather get some Sprite," says Eunbi. "But go ahead."

You purchase a birthday cake ice cream in a cup, pay the owner, and sit with Eunbi at one of the tables in front of it. She had bought her Sprite already. She's downing it like water, just like she did to the beer. The owner looks on with obvious concern.

"Are you a sodaholic or what?" you chuckle. You've never seen someone buy so many soda cans.

"It's better than continuing being a miserable drunkard," Eunbi explains. There's a cut on her lip from the sharp metal rim of the can, but if it bothers her, she doesn't show it.

Eunbi leans forward and licks her lower lip. "So."

That can't be a good sign. She looks suspicious. But you pretend that you're not anxious yourself about what would follow this conversation.

"What?"

"What's your deal?" she asks.

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't just buy me drinks on the house without a motive. What's going on here?"

She's smart, you'll give her that. But you have no doubt about her intelligence, although you've only met her an hour ago. There's the folks' tale going around that you know how and who your soulmate is, even if you've never met them before. Maybe the grandmas and grandpas were right.

But the death of the soulmate if they haven't met earlier was not just a mere myth. You've read cases about it. Lost a friend's friend's sister's friend to it. The string isn't exactly strong enough to hold for eternity.

But how can you tell her that? She might not even notice; her end of the string looks strong still, but the rest that connects you to her is already fatally weak. If you're apart for more time, it wouldn't be able to handle it.

"Because you look like you needed it," you say. That's the half of it anyway. "Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes."

Eunbi quirks a brow. "Nothing else?"

Bite your tongue and shake your head.

Eunbi juts out a bottom lip thoughtfully. "Huh." It hasn't occurred to her that it's possible for men to be like that with her. They go feral for her in the classrooms. It's nice to have someone who didn't want to do a nice gesture for her without her body playing a role in that for a change.

"You wanna know something, mister Nice Guy?" asks Eunbi.

"Enlighten me."

"That's the first time I ever felt safe with a guy at night. And yeah, I know about all that BS: 'not all men are the same.' But it's..." She squints emphatically. "Relieving, you know? You don't look like a pervert, you don't look like a fed. You don't look like you'd stuff my body down an acid pond. I feel safe with you."

"That's really flattering, Kwon Eunbi. Thank you."

"No problem," she says kindly. Her smile is a genuine bright lamp that fills the nighttime mall. She gestures to your cup of birthday cake ice cream. "Can I have some?"

And that's where it all began: a 7-11, a broken-down car, and a talk over ice cream and soda. That's how you made Kwon Eunbi yours.

-

Fast forward to a two years and five months. You're still working at a 7-11, a thing you wished would have changed. You still meet up with Eunbi, but this time, it's about something more.

The door bells jingle. She comes leaping in with dance in her skips. "Hey, hotshot," Eunbi greets you in the most unorthodox boyfriend-girlfriend manner.

Chuckle. The strings meet again. But this time, you don't worry about it. You have been with Eunbi for this long. Nothing can take her away from you. The string may be thinning by the day, but the two of you and wake up in the same bed everyday, and it seems like you've beaten all the odds. You're okay. She's fine. All is well.

Eunbi's kiss makes your cheek flush, as if the red on her lips infected the area. "Hi there yourself, Eun," you say. Yep, you're on a nickname-basis with each other. It grew after months and months of playful loving.

"I was thinking we go to the Han River tonight?" asks Eunbi hopefully. Her hands push down on the hard counter while she raises a lower leg to the back cutely. "Just you and me?"

"Why not?" You brush a kiss on her forehead. "After I finish this hour, we can go."

Eunbi smiles. "You know I love you, right?"

"Of course. I love you, too."

Looking back, you should have said that more. You really should have if you knew how the world loved to toy with you. It has to at least be expected, but you trust that everything would go well. It's been a long time since the string of red bothered you; why would you stress over it now?

-

Because of this:

One day, you'll die. You'll die alone. Whether from the fate of the string or natural cause, the only sure thing that will happen to you is death. One day, you'll have to leave her alone. If it's not you, then she will have to leave you.

But you forgot all about that. Right now, you've brought your mic and laptop to the side of the river, and you're both singing your hearts out.

Well, she is. Eunbi is an amazing singer. You found out about that when she volunteered to sing at the bar. She sang a self-composed song she sold to Woollim Entertainment, one of the leading mid-sized companies in Korea: Amigo.

"You seriously don't know how this song goes?" asks an offended Eunbi, glaring at you when you blank out halfway through the tune. "I thought you loved me!"

"Shut up and do the rap part!"

"I'm not Babysoul, you little shit!" Eunbi says, panickedly looking at the upcoming lyrics of the rap break. Rapping is not her forte.

"But you are my baby," you point out. "Now go do it, baby. Rap for me."

Eunbi cringes. However, she's laughing. "You're so ridiculo—"

Her words never find their way out.

Eunbi starts to choke. You immediately go over to her, trying to keep her steady. But she's already fallen to the ground, unable to get up. Her eyes look straight to the empty, dark blue sky, but never at your face floating above hers.

"B-baby—" she chokes out. Coughs and gags squeeze their way out from her chest. "I can't, I can't, I can't—"

"Did you swallow something, hon?" You're stuck. You don't know what to do. "Look at me, look at me, Eunbi. Please."

You hold her face in your hands and lift it up. But then you see the string that once connected the red thread from you to her. Your lifeline. It's snapped; blunt yarn-like strands disconnect your thread from hers. It can never be tied up again.

No.

Eunbi hasn't choked on anything. She's simply dying, just like how the fate of the string has foretold. It's her time to leave. You were let go, while she's taken in your place.

Somehow, she knows that, too. "I want to live," Eunbi confesses. Her eyes are two dark oceans of sadness. "Please, baby, I can't die yet. I want you here with me. Please."

You shake your head. "You're not going to die, Eunbi," you lie through your teeth. You lift up her black hair to your thigh so she can breathe properly. "I'll call the doctors, you want that? Just hold on for me, please."

"No, don't go!" sobs Eunbi, grabbing your thigh. She's crying loudly. She climbs onto your lap and hugs you with her shaking frame. She suddenly feels worryingly thin and light. "Don't leave me, don't leave me, please don't leave me."

"You're going to make me cry, pretty girl," you sob. "I can't call for help if you don't let me go."

"Please, please stay with me. I don't want to die. But everything..." Eunbi blinks twice. "Everything is so dark. I'm so alone."

That strikes a chord in you. Eunbi has talked and joked about death plenty of times, but now that she's on the brink of it, she doesn't want to give in. She can't give in.

You pull her closer and hug her hard. You begin to rock her like a doll as she grows more limp in your arms. "You're not alone. You have me, remember? I'm here. I'm going to take care of you. Remember when we first met, baby? You do? We went to that mall, right, and ate ice cream? You want to do that again?"

"Oh... oh yes, please," whispers Eunbi, nodding. But she's still not looking at you. Aside from that, her voice is incredibly weak. Her shoulders indicate the effort it takes for her to speak.

"Then you have to fight for me, Eunbi. You have to stay strong. You have to let me go so I can call someone who can help and we can do that."

She starts whimpering. "Why is this happening?" she sobs. "I just want to be okay. Why is it... why is it..."

Why is it like this?

Why does it have to be like this?

You don't tell her. Not at her last moment. On her last seconds left, you cradle and kiss her. You tell her of all the things she does and is that make you smile, of the funny moments the two of you shared in this lifetime. You tell her that if there is a next life, you'll be there with her. It wouldn't matter if you were a worm and she was the bird; you'll find a way to make it work. And oh, Eunbi, I love you so, you tell her, from the moment I first saw you. From the moment you sassed and insulted me, I knew we were meant to be. You're forever mine.

But you're wrong. The breath leaves her lips. Her soul has left. She's in another world now, where she's no longer yours.

It's over.

[jennay]

Back Stage

Master List

AN: I hope this is what you were looking for! it's 5am and I tried my best! 😂 feel free to let me know whatchya think.

"Action." The director yells on set.

You sit on the edge of your bed, staring at the poster-covered walls, wondering what it would be like to be free from this drama. You wanted to run away and never look back. "Fuck." You groan as you lay back on your bed and take in the events of what just happened. Your half-sister, Andrea's words, rot in your mind. "You should just go home and be with your mom. Nobody wants you to be here."

Part of you wondered if she was angry because she toyed with the neighbor's feelings, and you told him how dumb you thought he was for letting her drag him along. Maybe you should go home. You only came in fear that your father wouldn't pull through his illness. You didn't belong here, though; you knew it. This town wasn't meant for you. These people drove you crazy, and your heart wanted to be somewhere it didn't belong.

Knocking on your door distracts you from your thoughts, and you groan with frustration. "What?" You yell.

"Can I come in?" Scott quietly speaks.

The moment Rory walks in, you feel nervous. You'd seen him around and ran lines at the round table, but this was your first time doing an actual scene with him. The two of you hardly talked; you weren't even sure he knew your name.

It felt weird, you were supposed to be angry, but somehow as soon as he entered the room, you didn't want to yell and scream at him. You wanted to be soft and gentle. You nearly forget your line as he stares at you with piercing eyes. "Are you going somewhere?" He asks, looking at your backpack.

Sometimes it felt like Rory was his character, and it piqued your curiosity. You wondered if he was indeed this awkward timid character in real life.

You shrug your shoulders, "I don't belong here." You admit with sadness in your voice. You force tears in your eyes, "I don't think I belong anywhere."

Rory tries to open his mouth but is interrupted by the director, "CUT!" He yells.

Your shoulders relax, and you feel the pressure lift.

"How do you make yourself cry like that? I thought you felt that way, like in real life." He quietly says.

You stand up from the set bed and follow him as he walks towards the bench, and the two of you await your next instructions. "Sometimes I do feel that way." Why are you admitting that?

Rory pushes his layered brown hair behind his ears. "You seem to belong here." He sheepishly speaks, wanting you to feel better. "I mean, I think your pretty cool."

You smile at Rory's compliment, feeling a warm flutter in your chest. You've always admired his acting skills and his kind personality. "Thanks, Rory. You're pretty cool too." You say, hoping he doesn't notice your blush. "And I do belong here. This is my dream, you know. To be an actress. I know I'm seventeen, but I know what I want." You look around the set and feel a rush of excitement. "How about you? How do you make yourself cry 'cause you have to do it a lot." You laugh.

Rory shrugs, looking a bit embarrassed. "I don't know, really. I just think of something sad and imagine how it would feel. Sometimes I do feel that way." He admits, lowering his voice. "Like in real life." He meets your eyes, and you see a hint of vulnerability. You wonder what he's been through, what makes him sad. You feel a sudden urge to hug, comfort, and tell him everything will be okay. But before you can act on it, the director calls for you to resume filming. You and Rory get up from the bench and head back to the bedroom, ready to play your roles again.

Before the camera roles, he says, "You'll be okay, I promise."

The warmth of his smile makes you feel relaxed and safe; you genuinely feel like he’s being honest, and he will be looking out for you from here on out.

[start-your-art]

Art is NOT a talent. It's a skill.

Absolutely nobody picks up a pencil or paintbrush for the first time and creates a masterpiece.* Nobody is born automatically "talented."

*If you're trying out a new medium like say acrylic painting and have previously built up skill drawing with pencils there ARE transferable skills and some people can still make amazing artworks their first time but there is still a learning curve! Your mileage will just vary.

But so much of what we see online and in galleries and in textbooks is finished artwork from artists that have spent years or even decades developing their craft and their skills. It's not fair to compare beginner artwork to that but we do. It's easy to feel like some people are talented and some people aren't.

Image ID: A photo of The Starry Night painting by Vincent Van Gogh. The lower 1/3 of the painting depicts a small village. To the left is a large dark mass that stretches from the bottom of the canvas to the top. The sky is built out of thick black, blue and white brushstrokes that form swirling shapes. As well as yellow stars encircled by lighter brushstrokes and a big yellow crescent moon in the top right corner. End ID.

So how do we stay motivated to learn a skill when we don't feel talented?

Practice 1: Don't compare your work to anything else. This is ideal but really hard to do! Especially when the internet makes it so easy to access art from anywhere, anyone, and any time! And it's pretty impossible to go your whole life without interacting with art whether it's film, music, paintings, sculpture, posters, books, etc.

In practice this might mean going offline when you feel bad about your art or your work. It might mean avoiding engaging in art an hour or so before you begin work on something. Or avoiding the internet while you're working.

Practice 2: Compare your newer work to your older work. It can be really helpful to see how far you have come. But it can also still be frustrating if it's not at the level you want it to be. It can also be frustrating to see older work that's "better."

In practice this might mean keeping a folder or portfolio of work you are proud of that's easy to access whenever you need a boost of inspiration. You can also try sharing your work with friends and family if you can rely on them to express joy at seeing your work and lift your spirits when something doesn't turn out exactly as you wanted it to.

Side note: I have run into many cases on Tumblr where people say it's IMPOSSIBLE to get worse at your chosen craft. It's not. Skills aren't linear. If for any reason you have to take a break from your craft you will probably be rusty when you return to it. Sometimes trying something new with your craft won't have the results you want. And even if you practice every day and get really good at your craft, you're still human. Humans have bad days. It happens. But this is why even comparing yourself to your own art isn't perfect. (And if you are losing skills because of mental or physical health problems that can be uniquely frustrating but know that even if you can't create at the supposed "higher level" you were at before, any art you make is still wonderful and worth making and sharing!)

Practice 3: Seek out and enjoy different kinds of art! Seek out beginner art. Seek out different kinds of art!

In practice you can try following so-called amateur artists online with small follower counts and uplift each other in the comments. You can seek out new art forms and styles that don't meet the "perfect" or "highly talented" standards you set for yourself. (Hint: Linda Berry's art is great for this. She intentionally creates art the way a child might and has done small workshops at art schools demonstrating how freeing it can be to let go of notions of perfect anatomy, perfect proportion, etc).

I have one final thought:

Image ID: A sketch on what looks like a yellowed piece of paper. On the left is a building constructed out of simple rectangles. Extending from the right of it is a simple line for the horizon with a couple tiny triangles and half circles representing boats in water. There is a flat railing made of two horizontal lines and many small vertical lines in-between that divides the water and the land. Roughly sketched plants in a gated area beside it. And a simple lamp post extending from the bottom right of the page towards the top. End ID.

If this were hanging in a museum across from The Starry Night would you think it belongs there? Do you think the artist that made this drawing is less talented than the one that made The Starry Night? What if this artist kept drawing landscapes? What if this artist took up painting? What if this artist tried experimenting with colour? What if this artist experimented with brushstrokes? What if I told you that Van Gogh was the artist that made this sketch called View of Royal Road, Ramsgate in 1876, thirteen years before he painted The Starry Night?

You can visit this page to see hundreds of his early works if you don't believe me: https://www.wikiart.org/en/vincent-van-gogh/all-works#!#filterName:all-paintings-chronologically,resultType:masonry

Practice 4: Look up old works from your favourite artists if you can. What they created when they started will likely be much different from what they're known for. And it might be something easier for you to aim for if you wish to practice to create like them.

Everyone starts somewhere.

-

TLDR:

Art is NOT a talent. It’s a skill.

Nobody is born automatically “talented.”

It’s not fair to yourself to compare your work to finished artwork made by artists that have spent years developing your craft.

So instead:

Try hard not to compare yourself to others. Minimize how much or when you engage with other art if needed.

Remind yourself of work you’ve done that you love and how much you have learned and accomplished. Work to enjoy the process of creating more than the finished product.

Seek out different kinds of art that’s made by beginner artists or that doesn’t look “perfect”. You'll be less hard on yourself for not meeting unrealistic standards.

Take inspiration from your favourite artists but not just the work they’re known for. If you can, seek out their beginner, rougher work. Their work that you admire will seem much more possible when you can understand how they got there.

Everyone starts somewhere.

My hope is that my new blog @start-your-art will be a good resource for anyone looking to start or continue their art journey.

[jannwrites]

film ask meme : THE BROOD (1979) directed by DAVID CRONENBERG.

a selection of lines from the 1979 film the brood. modified slightly for rp purposes.

you're not looking at me, [name].

i guess you're just a weak person.

it makes me feel...guilty inside. 

i can't let the heart speak.

don’t speak to me. show me.

show me your anger. then i can understand it.

he's starting to get passionate about the whole thing.

she pretends the whole thing never happened.

there must be some other answer to what you've seen.

i guess you know, now, what it feels like. being blamed for everything. to have the past distorted, so you don't even recognize yourself anymore.

thirty seconds after you're born, you have a past. and sixty seconds after that, you start to lie to yourself about it.

i guess i've been indulging in a horrid bout of nostalgia these last few days.

you're being so unfair, sweetheart.

tell me the rest of the story that goes with this picture.

you're sure you don't want a story?

nothing's wrong, except with me.

he thinks that i'm turning into my mother.

that's very unfair of him. that's very arrogant of him.

i don't want you to think that i don't love you.

oh, god, i love you. but you didn't protect me.

you know, i was even thinking about going out to that old house again.

[name] encouraged my body to revolt against me. and it did.

i have a small revolution on my hands and i'm not putting it down very successfully.

are you saying that I'm just supposed to bury the girl's mother and not tell her about it?

sometimes it just kills me to think i might have screwed my kid up already.

we'll go up there together, and kick their ass.

i've a feeling i've just been recruited to babysit.

the thing was in the house. it was in the house all the time.

you bitch! you're killing my family!

this creature has never really been born.

i feel so guilty for my part in it. i wish it had never happened.

we had beautiful things, things that you couldn't understand.

we'll have them again, if you'd just leave him alone and stop poisoning him against me and taking advantage of his loneliness.

your life is just a little too complicated for me right now.

that's just fucking wonderful, don't you think?

i'll bleed for you. want me to bleed?

that's silly, right? repulses you, i can see that.

[name] knows i'm addicted to him and he doesn't care.

i think i must be getting stronger, because somehow, i just don't feel threatened by her anymore.

this is the first time i've seen the place.

somebody's following me. somebody's always following me.

he just got bored with the rest of us.

they'll kill you if you try to take her away from them.

they're the children of her rage.

i'm not going to be the only one to pay for that anger.

i thought you said you weren't going to come and see me while i was here.

i wish it were true. god, i wish it were true.

we lost touch. that's the only reason all this ever happened.

what's been happening to me has been just too strange. too strange for me to share with anyone from my old life.

i'm ready now. i wasn't before, but i'm ready now.

i seem to be a very special person. i'm in the middle of a strange adventure.

no, i disgust you. i sicken you.

you liar. you're lying. you're lying! i know!

you make them stop, or i'll kill you.

[ga-u-1737]

The Silent Idol: Stuck in a mind of Stardom

Chapter 1

Mount Rageous.

Mount Rageous is a place of wonder. Full of wishes and fame of any kind. It's mostly full of teens and young adults, having that 80's and 90s feel while living there or even visiting the place.

Like in any other world, they have celebrities of all kinds, singers and performers being the most popular out of all of them. There are tons of famous singers and songwriters in Mount Rageous, but the most well known are the overnight twin celebs, Velvet and Veneer.

They are well known for their top songs "Watch me Work" and another "Mount Rageous(the song)," they are also well known for being really talented with their work.

Especially since they were invited and accepted to perform at the Rage Dome Show tonight.

Tons and tons of crazy fans were excited to see them at the show, especially Velvet who was mostly everyone's favorite for how she sings and performs. But what was supposed to be an excited and glorious night ended up turning into of what the Mount Reagons calls it, "The Dome show Incident''

***

It was almost time for the Rage Dome Show to start, everyone was pushing each other just so they could see the twin pop stars live on stage. The Rage Dome was a thing every singer and performer dreamed of going to, Velvet was in her make-up room, carefully adding her lipstick around her mouth.

She grabbed a dash of blush around her face, before looking at herself in the mirror. Breath slowly

She always dreamed of being famous ever since she was a little kid, now making it this far in her life, at only 19, almost 20 years old. Having books about her and her twin brother Veneer, being interviewed, meet and greets, and praised by thousands and thousands of fans, some even draw fanart of them

Now performing in the Rage dome show, it seems like everything was wrapped around her finger, finally having everything she wanted, everything she dreamed of and wished for,

“Ten minutes till showtime” Crimp, who was Velvet and Veneer’s assistant, called out on the door, tapping very slightly which caught Velvet off guard a bit.

“In a minute Crimp,” Velvet called out, sounding annoyed, she added the final touches of her hair and added her performance costume.

She walked out the door gracefully, noticing her brother Veneer near the outside door, looking a bit impatient.

“Took you long enough to get ready,” Veneer scoffed, his arms crossed.

Velvet rolled her eyes groaning in the process. “Well, if we, or me are going through the Rage Dome Show, we need to look our best.” She brushed her chest contraption for any spec of dirt or dust. “I don't want to be caught dead with my face looking like a old woman”

Veneer shook his head slightly and sighs. He loves his sister dearly, but sometimes she can be a pain sometimes, especially her obsession with fame and money.

But he doesn’t let it ruin his mood, she’s still his older sister and he likes seeing her happy, and if anything, he will do anything for her to be happy and pleased.

“Showtime is starting in just 4 minutes” A producer yelled out of the outside door.

It was almost time.

Velvet slowly breathed in and out, ready for the show to begin. “Ready for this?” Velvet asked, pulling a hand out to Veneer. “Pretty soon we will become mega stars and have everything we wanted and dreamed of”

Her smile made Veneer perk up, grabbing and shaking her hand with delight. “Always have been, always will.”

***

The show was going amazing, great even. Screaming fans were buzzing with energy and excitement as they saw the two popstar duo were giving their all during their performance, giving an excelling performance of their latest single, “Mount Rageous.”

Everyone went crazy as Velvet sang the last few verses reaching up a high note, people were practically almost fainting of the twin popstars. The crowd cheered as the two finished the last note of the song, praying for them for an encore, the stage flooded with bright lights and cameras filming the two.

“I’m pretty sure, you guys want an encore!” Velvet shouted at the microphone, making the fans go berserk. She laughed gently, listening to the lovely cheers and happy comments shouted towards her and Veneer.

“Okay then!” Both Velvet and Veneer looked at each other both with eagerling smiles, snapping their fingers.

The lights went pitch dark, another song starting to transition, fans stimulated and shrieked over it, ecstatic for the show playing one more song for them.

But a horrific blood-curdling scream disrupted the cheers and applause, the lights went on, bright lights surrounding the huge stage. The crowd went dead silent, holding their breath.

The cameras aimed and focused on the stage, seeing the tragic scene unfold. The audience is silent, the only sound was uncontrollable crying and weeping of Veneer, holding Velvet tightly not letting go of her. Her body was pale, unresponsive, her breathing was shallow sounding uneven and a pool of blood continued to spew from her head surrounding her, staining hers and Veneer’s clothes.

That didn’t matter to him, he didn’t care that his mascara was streaming down his face, his makeup completely ruined from crying.

“Someone help, please!” Veneer cried out, still clutching his sister tight in his arms, “Please my sister is dying please!”

The Medical team worked carefully and efficiently as they tried to stabilize and revive Velvet from near death, checking her vitals and administering first aid.

The ambulances sirens were screaming and flashing lights of red and blue, everyone around panicked and was terrified of what was happening.

“What’s going on?”

“Is Velvet alright, what happened?”

“What the hell happened, did she fall?!”

“What’s gonna happen to her?”

Whispers were spreading from left to right in the audience, trying to figure out what happened seconds ago.

The paramedics carefully put Velvet in the stretcher and carried her to the ambulance

Eventually, the vehicle left in a rush, speeding through the traffic on the road. The injured Velvet lay in the stretcher, with the breathing tube that was helping her breathe stability.

She opened her eyes only slightly, the siren noises invading her ears.

She was in and out of consciousness and in severe pain, trying to take in what was happening around her. She shook slightly, the constant disturbing noises of cars and the ambulance siren made her feel uneasy, the deafening noises were all blurred into one unsettling roar that was difficult to bear and hear through small ears.

The noise made her already bleeding aching head even worse, forcing her to close her eyes tight, holding back a few tears from the electrifying throbbing headache.

The sudden jolts from the ambulance made the pain if not already unbearable to begin with, a few tears streamed down her cheeks, she never experienced this type of pain before, she clenched her hands tight hoping for the pain going from all over her body to end

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Veneer sat silently and patiently in the waiting room, eyes darting towards the other Rageons. Young adults, some with children, and the elderly were scattered across the room, in their own thoughts and worries. Few of his fans who were also in the waiting room recognized and whispered about the recent incident.

Too concerned about his sister’s well-being and health, the idol tries to ignore the constant whispers and uncomfortable stares, remaining quiet and closed off.

“Excuse me, is Veneer here?” A nurse, coming from the hallway behind her, holding a clipboard in her hands, her face full of concern and worry.

“Um, yes I’m here miss” Veneer responded, walking towards the nurse, he sighed and fixed his composure,

“Is my older sister gonna be alright?” He asked, looking directly in her eyes, tears starting to form under his mascara.

The nurse clenched her hand onto the clipboard as she looked at the notes on Velvet. She didn’t want to give him false hope and unrealistic expectations. She put the clipboard away from her hands before responding with gentle honesty and genuine sincerity.

“Your sister Velvet is currently in critical condition, but she is stable. We just operated on her and are observing her and monterting her heartbeat and brain activity at the moment.

“Is it okay if I visit her for a bit?”

The nurse shook her head slightly.

“Unfortunately, visiting hours are close to finishing. And we are keeping a close eye on her as I said earlier, so I'm afraid that you won’t be able to visit her today.” She took the popstar’s hand and squeezed it gently.

“We are doing our best to rescue her. She is in good hands and we are doing everything they can to make sure she goes back to her regular everyday life.” She says softly, wiping the tears from Veneer’s face.

Her sad yet gentle smile made Veneer light up a bit, only a bit though.

“I promise as soon as Velvet’s a little more stable then I'll provide you with enough information on her condition and her injuries.” the nurse soothed, giving her one final smile before letting go of his hand

Veneer wiped the final tears from his eyes, a tad bit of mascara smearing in his face. “Okay then…Please let my sister be okay.” Veneer sniveled, he walked away from the waiting room, taking deep breaths to calm himself down and cool his nerves.

Not before long, he found himself opening the door to his and Velvet's place, he felt the familiar surroundings. He turned on the bright dimmed lights wanting to see everything clearly, everything was exactly where it was when they left, as if no time had passed and the Rage Dome Show and the whole incident was just a nightmare.

If it was, Velvet would’ve been already in bed exhausted and tucked under the covers like a tired toddler, while he would eat something he would command Crimp to make for dinner, and watch tv or a movie on the big screen hanging on the wall before going to bed himself.

But it wasn’t, though he deeply wished it was. The traumatic memory from the Rage Dome show invaded his mind, he wanted to erase and forget it but he couldn’t ignore the fact that his older twin sister experienced a horrific accident during one of the best things she dreamed of and wished for.

The guilt and worry was eating him away, he started to shake again, unable to process what happened hours ago and the fear of what Velvet is going through, being in horrible pain and aching.

He didn’t feel hungry nor the need to get a quick midnight snack, even though he needed something to eat. He didn't have the motivation or energy to command Crimp to make him something

He slumped on the couch, feeling exhausted and numb, hoping to find some distraction from his worries on Tv. However it was only showing the news about what happened at the Rage Dome Show. He turned it off quickly, not wanting to remember the traumatic and stressful event.

Right now all he wanted was to be alone with his thoughts, trying to process everything.

He headed to his bedroom, his body fatigued, exhausted, and drained. He collapsed onto the king size bed, pulling the covers almost above his head. He was both tired physically and emotionally, trying to process the trauma both he and Velvet experienced and the memories of the accident.

He hopes to forget it permanently and everything to go back to normal but he knew that was impossible.

The horrifying images of Velvet, the blood, and the constant worry if she will be okay made him overwhelmed, the guilt weighing him down and his heart sinking.

Despite his efforts, he remained awake, constantly tossing and turning in bed. The thoughts of images of Velvet covered in blood kept invading his mind, making it difficult to relax and sleep. Tears formed in his eyes again, filled with the constant guilt and regret.

After a while, he succumbed to tiredness and drifted to a deep sleep after many times of turning and tossing in bed.

His thoughts still filled with the memory of his sister's condition, but eventually was able to rest and escape the harsh reality, ready to escape the sleep provided for him with his mind going blank.

An au where Velvet and Veneer are actually talented in this but Velvet almost dies

Part 2