#drowning in sorrow

[saisons-en-enfer]

Can't help but look back I'm lost in my memories Caught up with nostalgia Think of what we had You've always been dear to me So I stuck around ya

But so long as you're my one true love I stay hypnotized Holding space for what once was

[lavideenrose]

An email to my former psychoanalyst

“I just received some bad news and I've been thinking about who I can tell, as if by telling someone I may be able to unburden myself. But the thing I'm carrying is not the words or the knowledge, it's the pain, the emotional anguish, that I can't even bring myself to feel except as a kind of discomfort or pulsion. A spur to action, but not to feeling.

“My Dad almost certainly has cancer, probably pancreatic cancer, and will most likely not have long to live. He has not yet recovered from his second bout of intense, psychotic-depression and may still quietly, privately, nurse a wish to die. Well, he's not Robinson Crusoe there.

“No man is an island (or alone on an island), but this family seems to be a sinking island. Breaking off from the mainland and sliding into the sea, one clod at a time. Before you know it we'll be underwater. Not waving, but drowning. At least tonight I'm not drowning my sorrows. Just drowning in sorrow.”

[songbirdofgolddust]

You say I’m a child as I cry because my feelings were hurt. Not because of what was done but what was said. I was in tears and you tell me I’m the wrong one. I’m wrong for defending myself. I’m wrong for crying. I’m wrong for having feelings that ended up hurt. I’m wrong for being.

You don’t say it directly but you deny my feelings and deny me. I cry because I feel unheard and I cry because it is a human response; but we’ve been trained to think it makes us wrong and childish.

Maybe I am a child and that’s why everyone refuses to listen and that’s why I cry? I never get an apology, only ways to fix myself so I don’t act like a child again and cry in front of you

Nov 11 2020

[baby-girl-aaron-dessner]

the tomb won't close...

[popsicle-stick]

hey, don't cry. night of the 26th may, ok?

[an-established-butt-dent]

'Harellan'

Solas: Dragon age

Mixed media on paper

[ghostlyarchaeologist]

"You saved your insurance company I don’t even know how many millions of dollars, but I just know that when you needed them… What happened to your family is the kind of thing-"

Leverage S01E01 The Nigerian Job.

[bedforddanes75]

hello how have i never seen this before i need to bite him

[stefisdoingthings]

some dumbass vashwood sketches from yesterday !!!

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Assorted #8

In Konohagakure, there are 3 types of Ninja. Clan, Civilian, and Civilian Clan Ninja.

Clan Ninjas are really rigid and have a lot of unspoken rules of propriety. They are extreme lightweights and can't drink coffee without Side Effects occurring. Typically (exceptions may apply) living with their families, they have very specific diets that won't cause any issues in the long run.

The Inuzuka Clan can't really eat vegetables. Shino nearly faints when he finds out that Kiba has never see lettuce because that's a huge staple of the Aburame Clan.

Civilian Ninja are 'rowdy' and 'rough'. They can generally eat everything safe for humans and live in either the civilian or ninja districts. They drink coffee, eat deep fried food, etc.. No Clan Ninjas can truly drink coffee or have whiskey, despite Kakashi desperate attempts when he was a chunin.

There are a few 'Civilian Clans' (Uzumaki, Lee, Sarutobi, Yamanaka) where they can eat normal food and drink coffee but they can't handle alcohol.

The exception to all these rules is the Akimichi Clan who can consume Anything with no side effects whatsoever. This includes rotten flesh, although they don't exactly like the flavours or taste.

P.S. I have Feelings about the Sarutobi Clan. None are really good.

[gdn019283]

Have you ever thought about how tragic it is that Arthur was in love with Merlin, but he knew it? And that Merlin realised Arthur loved him and reciprocated his feelings, only the moment Arthur died?

It is so unfair, for the both of them. They weren’t able to act on those feelings, only read them from afar, and when they thought that maybe, just maybe, something about these feelings could have been done, it was too late.

They had waited and waited to see if they could stop, if they could stop yearning and wanting and longing and gazing, but the more they got to know each other, the more attached they became, they literally transformed into that bloody coin, two faces, you try to break one, it’s always going to have two sides. It does not matter in how many pieces you destroy it, Merlin is always going to be a part of Arthur, as much as Arthur is always going to be a part of Merlin, and the worst part of it all is that they both knew, they could feel it in the air with every grasp of their shoulders, with every almost death moment, with every smile and stare and feeble touch. It itched them, it was in the air that they breathed, it burned them until they were walking, as if they were dead already; they wanted to touch, to trace the edges of their bodies with their finger tips, carefully, as if they were infinite and could shatter with just a pull of skin, and they needed to share that warmth, as if they were one and that’s what broke Arthur the most, because he saw the reciprocation in Merlin’s eyes, every single day, he watched him watch him get undressed, both out of his clothes and out of his soul and bitterly, Arthur thought for those long ten years, “I wonder, wonder what it would be like to be enveloped by Merlin, what would happen if I pushed over that boundary line and discover something that is so much more than just my imagination, to feel Merlin’s arms around me and to be crushed under the weight of his desire, of his love, of his deepest secrets, and I would accept him, and profoundly, I would sink my fingers in my mind just to mould it into Merlin’s, like metal does under the hot flame, the same heated one that ignites me, when I stare at Merlin, and I just smile, punch him on the shoulder, tell him not to do anything stupid, and love him desperately.”

Arthur knew he loved Merlin, he craved him, but couldn’t do anything about it.

Arthur knew his life was a tragedy, since the moment it started.

[songbirdofgolddust]

I’m told to feel.

Be vulnerable. Speak your feelings

Shut up! Stop Crying!

It’s okay to cry…

… by yourself

Stop doing that! Don’t act like that!

Feel.

Stop!

Cry and you’re a baby. Cry and you’re a child. Cry and you’re a problem. Cry and you’re the one who made everything bad for yourself anyways.

Bury your feelings.

Speak about them.

Don’t tell me!

Tell her. No, him. No, them.

No.

Tell no one.

You’re a burden if you talk.

Nov 11 2020

[k0fii]

Mutual Love and One-Sided Obsession

Love is mutual and that's the fundamental difference of MiziSua and IvanTill. That's what Ivan understood in his final moments - and that's why he said his feelings were shallow.

Prefacing this, not really an analysis but more of a personal connection and overview of the songs of alnst, with a quote from Richard Siken on love.

"If it was unrequited, it wasn't your first love, it was your first desire. You've got all your loves ahead of you. That sounds pretty great to me."

My Clematis; Love and the Significance of a Duet

My Clematis is a song that stands out amidst all other Alien Stage performances. Not only because it's a duet with the intentions of a tie, but also because Mizi and Sua are singing this song to and for each other. Instead of catering to the audience before them, they look to each other. In an act of defiance, they love each other. Sua sings to Mizi, as Mizi sings to Sua and this performance isn't for anyone else but them. It's beautiful, enchanting and Sua's death is made more painful by that love that's so clearly shown to the audience. Even as Sua is taken away from Mizi, nobody can deny the fact that they love each other. That the feeling between them was undeniably love.

Unknown (Till the End...); Idolization

In juxtaposition to My Clematis' heavy focus on the duet between Mizi and Sua, UTTE makes it a point to show how Till takes the spotlight all for himself one-sidedly, not even allowing his opponent to sing. In a way, this represents the extent of Till's idolization - only his feelings, the admiration for this idealized version of Mizi he has in his head are sang and borderline shouted out. The other singer is drowned out in Till's intense voice and declaration of love;

"Ain't nobody but you're the one that I'm feeling it's love"

However, Till fails to realize that the thing he wanted - Mizi's gaze to look back at him too - is rooted in reciprocity. It means allowing the other singer to get their voice out, it means allowing this preconceived notion he has of her in his head to be shattered by the reality of who Mizi truly is. UTTE is a representation of how Till's deluded image of Mizi overpowers the reality he currently lives in, it's a form of escape for someone who has always been shackled by chains.

It's a contradiction present in the song itself;

"I wanna know all about you (ya)"

For all Till sings that he wants to get to know Mizi, he never attempts to get closer to her and always, in his view of her, she's far away like an idol he can't reach. Like a god to a sinner that needs saving. It's the first desire of wanting to be saved, of wanting a saint to reach out their hand to you. And that first desire, as much as Till proclaims it to be love for its intensity, is known as something that's not love, something closer to obsession because of that very same intensity. Because that intensity prevents him from loving who Mizi truly is apart from who she represents in his head - again, it drowns it out.

Black Sorrow; Unrequitedness

Black Sorrow starts off with an admission; Ivan can't reach Till. He'll always follow him, even if he recognizes that all this will end in is tragedy. He constantly speaks of an absence - foreshadowing of Cure perhaps, but also of Till leaving him and turning back, of Till always choosing to not stay by his side, to chase for an unreachable idol. To the viewer, Black Sorrow is a song solely focused on Ivan but we can see in the video that Ivan allows his opponent to sing - a representation of his subservient nature but also perhaps of the fact he sees Till. He allows Till to sing out in deafening roars and sees him for what he is, and admires him for that. In contrast to UTTE's idealistic nature, Black Sorrow is very much rooted in reality. Till is pointedly not awake during this song - once again, he doesn't see Ivan but also he is not woken up to the reality that Ivan forces him to face. If not rooted in love because of the acknowledgement of unrequitedness, then what is Ivan's desire? It's to drown in his chosen black sea of sorrow.

Cure; Obsession and the Significance of a Duet

Ivan and Till both sing to someone who is not listening, they both sing to someone who is not looking at them in contrast to My Clematis.

"Dissolve me in your gaze

...

Please, leave me scars

Please, hurt me so that

Not a single drop of me remains

Let me drown in you"

Till wants to drown in the fantasy he's created for himself - going back to the sinner analogy, he wants everything of him that he views as wrong cleansed by Mizi's saintly presence. For once, Till lacks the same conviction he did before - he's pleading now, and asking as if praying to a dead god. Maybe it's because he thinks Mizi is gone, maybe it's because he thinks he's beyond saving.

"May they linger on your tongue

You can break me apart

...

I'll drown in you"

Ivan remains the same, steadfast in his determination and doubling down on his declarations in Black Sorrow. He doesn't ask - he knows his 'love' is unrequited, but that he will drown in it anyways.

"To this everlasting melody

Face to face we dance

With our story

Lost in forever's embrace"

Despite the lyrics stating that they stand face to face, they don't - one is always looking away. That's why, the story of what they are and what could've came to be is lost in the embrace of a time that's both not there and forever there. What they could've been is not what they are because of that everlasting melody, the obsession the two of them have that is distinctly not love because it's unrequited. Because they will always ask to be consumed in another's gaze instead of simply looking at each other and seeing. Because Till's first desire is to be saved and Ivan's first desire is to drown, the round would have always ended that way.

"Thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions."

Ivan thought he and Sua were similar at one point. He felt jealous when he realized that the fundamental difference between them was that Sua was loved, and he was not. I think that in his final moments, he recognized this jealousy for what it was - the incessant human need to be loved and to be wanted. And what does that love entail? He sees it in Mizi and Sua, it means loving and being loved in return. That's what love is, and with heartbreaking clarity, he understands that it's not what has driven him or Till this far. A one-sided obsession could never be love, because love is always mutual. To love is to be seen, to be known. Ivan was not the former, Till was not the latter.

He steels himself, he will drown in these shallow emotions, just as he always planned (even if the sacrifice was not). He knows this sacrifice seems hypocritical, but it couldn't be with such a simple yet clear difference.

Compared to the deep grief brought about by the deep and intense emotions of love and loss, the pain he will cause Till will only be as shallow as his own emotions. Because it only reached Ivan, only drowned him and it never seemed to reach Till.

[seaweedstarshine]

Thinking about River affectionately calling the Doctor her “madman in a box” only after he's called her his “bespoke psychopath,” and vice versa. They each were called these words by the other before ever using them to describe the other.

Thinking about the way they defy reality for each other. How modern psychiatry elevates objective reality to gatekeep full participation in society, yet they shatter objective reality with love — “I can’t let you die without knowing that you are loved.” and “You are always here to me and I always listen and I can always see you.”

Thinking about “What's the mad fool talking about now?” and how Gallifrey ostracizes those labelled mad, going so far as to see it as failure in children. Thinking about “A child is not a weapon!” “Give us time.” and how Kovarian equates psychopath with weapon as a tool of dehumanization and control.

Thinking about the way the psychiatric-industrial complex inflicts violence upon those who deviate from psychosocial norms. How their relationship was born in violence, but of madness — not madness in a post-Enlightenment framework of opposition to Reason, but madness as radical compassion that doesn’t demand so-called rationality — “Every time you've asked, I have been there.”

Thinking about how neither of them chose “psychopath” or “madman,” but they both own those words as instruments in their own agency.

[diaryofamadsunwukongfan]

One big, happy family/s

[lolalvrrgurl]

I'm so hopelessly addicted to everything that is them...Vi's little kneepat asking if she's okay..i am sobbing into my hands...and hey, wait, Cait's noises...........how i have never noticed huh..........