#dunno if it reads well to folks who dont know the situation

[do-rey-me]

you are the world.

as you lay dying in a hospital bed

we take a moment to breathe in

(we do not know this is a dangerous thing yet)

the air free of the chemicals and beeping and rushing we have grown accustomed to

we try and eat something that is not bland

the shops are closed

as you are dying, the world is dying with you.

when we had first arrived, the staff had thought i was old

they had me sign paperwork and give medical information for your stay as your next of kin

they looked in my eyes and saw my future

(Apollo was God of prophecy and medicine both)

knew i would command your fate into the ground

knew i would not condemn you to that terror of cremation

your family arrives

(black birds following armies, knowing that a feast will be served)

they always do, for matters they consider important

first arrives your sister

(i forget which one)

she is kind to me, of course

she dances around the obvious, of course

she is surprised that my mother and stepfather are there,

although she tries to hide it

at some point, there is a meeting around whether or not

you would want to have donated yourself to help others

(why is that information not already available?)

i don’t know for certain what you would say, but i tell them to do it anyway

(forgive me, for not asking)

(forgive me, for not saying hello)

(forgive me, for waiting until i was grown to talk)

your sister tries to give you your Last Rites while my family is away

the Priest, the Doctors, they all tell her no

she tries anyway

(i understand, she is trying to help)

(i understand, she does not know you)

your Mother arrives.

(so does her husband and my uncle)

i don the armor ive been welding for my (your) life (death)

I greet her with respect, we go through the motions of grief before death

(i do not give her my True Name, i do not eat of her food, i do not give her any debts)

(i am a changeling child, i know her kind well)

i prepare myself for real battles to begin.

the rest of the players trickle in

the family

your friends

(your friends go through your house, giving most to me. neither side asks, so no debt is owed)

(i do not have to go myself)

(it is one less battle to fight)

my mother becomes my second-in-command easily, as if she never even stopped

she is water, flowing and changing

she is rock, steady and tethering

here is how the war is fought

in uncomfortable hospital chairs, we talk, your family and i

your mother takes charge on her side

i take charge on mine

we are outnumbered, but we have legal power over your decisions

and their time is running out.

as per the rules set long ago, we must remain respectful. polite.

they are your family. they raised you. you are their precious son.

(you were born out of wedlock. you abandoned the faith. you raised a queer.)

my mother abandoned you. my stepfather must hate you. your friends are irrelevant.

(you were my mother’s best friend. you got my stepfather to branch out. your friends built a boat to burn for you)

but me? i am your child. you are my precious father, my world, who i am losing.

so when i tell them that you would want to be buried without a box, to feed the earth and let the worms eat your flesh?

they cannot oppose me directly.

most of your family ignores your brother, my uncle

they can’t understand the words he says so they think him infantile

when they aren’t ignoring him, they are Handling him

they tell him you are dying in little words

“Pete isn’t going to be around anymore soon”

they say in falsetto tones

they do not let him grieve. they do not let him love.

i do not let the rage boil under my skin

i do not let myself mourn that with your passing he will be taken away as well

it will not help him. it will not help you.

i often can’t understand what my uncle says either, but that’s not new

the wind likes to play tricks on me, tying words into knots before they reach my ears

i am one of the few that treats him like the eldest child he will soon be

he is one of the few that treats me like the child i shall still be for two years yet

so between battles, sitting amongst the corpses of words, we sit in silence,

and we draw

your death is scheduled

it has to be, to harvest what they can from you, to save who they can

there is ceremony to what comes after

they bring the body up, and we walk down the hall with it

doctors and nurses line the halls, giving respect to what we have lost

giving respect to what you have given that will save others

the only sound the whole way is my uncle’s sobs

i don’t know if he hates that it was a child, your child, who was the one comforting him

and so the world ends.

the funeral seems dull in comparison to the honor walk

sure, your family made a scene,

but my mother took the narrative back

and anyway.

by that point the fight was over

your wishes were respected

i had won.

the next day,

we went home.

and we didn’t come out.

and so the world ends.

[fairytism01]

Hello, I have recently started seeing someone who has autism. We like each other very much and have been hanging out a lot, which they have acknowledged as a big deal and step for them.

I was wondering if you had a recommendation for a book or resource I might read on my own time?

So I can understand how to be mindful of who they are. Maybe something written by a autist? or something about relationships where one or both folks are on the spectrum? I dunno.

I just want to be proactive. Like do some reading on my own, without being like "hey whats a book so I can understand you better?"

They can help me understand them on their own! They so amazing and I don't want them to feel like I need to "study" them

I just want honesty learn more, because I really care about them and have not dated a person with autism before (as far as I know). To be better aware of their needs as well as mine.

Thank-you for reading this, absolutely love your blog!

Thank you for reaching out!

The best advice I can give you is not a book recommendation in this case (even though I have attached the work of the amazing Tania Marshall) I do strongly believe that they would feel flattered if u asked them for their own preferred source of education. Maybe they dont read books but theres a specific podcast that might have really touched them and helped them sort out their situation.

Being neurodivergent is not black and white, its a spectrum and you must be willing to get to know yourself and your nervous system if you wish to share your life with others.

Let your love interest know you'd like to know more about it. I am 98% sure that if they like u as much as u like them they will be delighted to share it with you 🫖

[blookmallow]

AND WE FINALLY FINISH THIS NIGHTMARE

check out that cool shot i managed to catch directly when the lightning struck. ill get to that moment a lil later but im still psyched about that. ok anyway

this would be sweet in theory but jessica’s model moves Really weird along with you and it’s mostly just very unsettling 

oh i already don’t like you

hhhhhhhh fuck fuck fuck this is bad 

what the fuck have you been doing to her

THIS IS SO FUCKING NASTY GET OUT OF MY FACE 

also wouldn’t be surprised if the placement of the. “responsibility” sign directly outside the door when blake. walks away from that situation. was intentional

god. this whole mess would be horrific for anyone to go through but blake’s got some really specific trauma here that canNOT be helping. fuck

uH

TH...ANK S?? I THINK ????

im not sure WHAT just happened but i think the cultists caught the heretics and started killing everybody which is FINE BY ME I’LL BE OVER HERE GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MINE 

I GOT LYNN THOUGH AND SHE LOOKS LIKE SHIT BUT SHE’S ALIVE AND ALSO NOT MISSING HER LEGS EVEN THOUGH IT REALLY LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS 

im still not sure what the fuck happened here i guess. psychosomatic pregnancy combined with hallucination caused by trauma and Murkoff Fuckery but THEY SURE DON’T BOTHER TO TELL YOU THAT :’) it took me hours of scouring wiki pages and also reading the extra comics i had no idea existed bc the game doesn’t mention them to find out what the FUCK happened

lynn seems to believe it’s blake’s child, which i guess is a moot point if the baby never existed in the first place, but probably confirms it was a trauma/hallucination/whateverthefuck situation and she wasn’t cheating on him even if it still logically couldn’t be his because of the timeframe 

honey that’s not jessica,

i really, really don’t think blake is okay

yOU DON’T SAY :’ ) 

FUCKINGSHITFUCKGODHELLFUCKING FUCK YOU NOT AGAIN

fuCKINg HELL

,,,,well

if that wasnt divine intervention i dunno what is 

really fond of the outlast tradition of “horrible, awful thing relentlessly pursues you until you FINALLY witness their gruesome death and have a brief fleeting moment of peace” though

i. guess it’s just knoth left now, huh. 

lynn: [in hysterics, probably dying, apparently about to give birth] 

me: wait hold ON a second check out this GRAVEYARD

god she’s on the fucking torture rack 

this is, quite possibly, the worst fucking scenario to give birth in 

GOD that was. not a pleasant scene and i was going to comment on the sheer ridiculousness of a woman giving birth in like One push and the entire baby’s just Out but if this didn’t really happen/was hallucinatory that would. explain that 

and i am, regardless, immensely grateful they decided to let this just be over in like 5 seconds and didn’t make me go through a long laborious graphic birthing scene bc outlast absolutely would do that and i dunno if i coulda handled it much longer than it was :’  ) 

still dont know what this was about either, if the pregnancy and the baby were hallucinations, lynn was under that same hallucination too she believed she was pregnant and about to give birth, so why wouldn’t she see the baby. if its real and she’s the one hallucinating that it isn’t there that means literally EVERYTHING ELSE now makes no sense whatsoever. did she get released from the hallucination right at this moment for some reason. and if she did why didn’t blake. knoth sees the baby too so he’s clearly still sharing the same hallucination (or, again, if lynn is the one hallucinating and the baby is real HOW THE FUCK DID ANY OF THIS HAPPEN) 

i really like blake and all but some part of me just really wishes we could’ve had lynn’s side of this story 

she went through hell too, she went through unspeakable things too, and we don’t get to see her fighting, we don’t get to see her story, she doesn’t make it out and she just gets reduced to the Woman Who You, A Man, Must Protect until she tragically dies at the last minute 

and blake is so far gone at this point he can’t even differentiate between his wife and jessica anymore. lynn just gets completely shoved out of her own story and im not blaming blake for that, it’s not irredeemable to have loved someone else once, and of course he’s not going to be over that considering he practically witnessed her fucking murder and all the shit he’s going through directly parallels that trauma AND he’s got. whatever murkoff fuckery is going on in his brain too 

but i do blame the writers for doing this to her 

and they had that line early on (in this same room even) like “why do they always hurt women to get to men” which. i guess parallels this scene too but i had been interpreting it like “why the fuck are women always reduced to just the victims, why do men feel like they have to prove their point by hurting women” and blake’s clearly not the hyper-masculine Hero type, he’s strong enough to tear his hands off a cross, sure, but at heart he’s just a scared camera guy who has no idea what the fuck is going on or what to do and this experience clearly breaks him 

but then. lynn’s just the victim too. and doesn’t get to have her own story. she dies on a torture rack minutes before she could have escaped this hell (assuming blake didn’t just die too. it’s not clear. i think the comic said he was still breathing) after all that she dies and her husband doesn’t even remember her name

i dont know. i cant get a coherent thought together on this but i just. dont like it 

anyway i. guess im responsible for a BABY now, as well, 

im really glad this was the end of the game bc i do NOT think i could have coped with. going through more of this While Also Carrying An Infant :’) 

WHAT PARADISE, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT 

congratulations. hope you’re proud of yourself. please get away from me

ARE YOU PERHAPS, MAYBE, FIGURING SOMETHING OUT HERE. REALIZING SOME MISTAKES THAT MAY HAVE BEEN MADE. POSSIBLY. YOU SHIT 

OR HOW ABOUT I DONT DO THAT 

oh

well.

saves me the trouble of dealing with you, i guess. not that he probably would have been very good at pursuing me anyway, but 

,,,well. bye then,

that sure did happen, didn’t it 

,,,what do i even Do now 

the sun is rising, though

cliché as it is i still love “the sun rises at the end of the Horror” anyway :’)

boy am i glad my baby won’t remember this

and probably isn’t real in the first place, but you know,

looks like everyone who was left did a mass suicide and i cant say i feel all that sorry about it 

does that sun look a little too close or 

oh fuck

WELL THE SUN EXPLODED, SO THAT’S. GOOD 

wait what am i doing back here

AND THAT’S THE END, FOLKS, THAT’S IT 

I DIDN’T NEED ANY ANSWERS OR CLOSURE OR ANYTHING, THAT’S FINE :’) THANKS RED BARRELS 

[grabtee]

John Wick People Don’t Change Time do shirt

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I’m gonna get hated for this, but I don’t believe race card should be played in any situation no matter what the race is. In this matter, I think I would support the lieutenant removing him for the John Wick People Don’t Change Time do shirt of race in itself racist, even it was to support black firefighters. Are you saying firefighters should look at race factor before choosing who to save? I hate to see race card in any factor! That’s all it took for him to feel shame and emotional distress.

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Well alrighty then! How is he an actual firefighter for years and that’s literally all it took to damage his emotional state? It sounds like he’s trying to secure the John Wick People Don’t Change Time do shirt at him there just can’t be any discrimination based on race or gender we can’t cherry pick this statement if we want an equal society one day I dunno. It’s not like they didn’t know him. However, I doubt very much that he was suffering from severe emotional distress.

Hoodie

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[nottebuio3006]

If she blocked me on the orders of her baby daddy or if she did it because she herself just, for some reason, can't stand me anymore, does it really make a difference? Is she a better friend if she did it *only* because the baby daddy "forced her to"?  If she comes back to me saying she's sorry and that she didn't want to block me and that it was just because Jimmy told her to, should I forgive her? And be friends with her again??

It is quite the dilemma I am in now I feel, no matter what the circumstance is. Obviously it's the case that I am thinking of her in every minute that passes, and obviously I wantto look at my iphone and see that she will message me again. I want so badly to see something from hr -- anything--even just a message saying one word. But then I am also conflicted, because now its like someone who has basically revealed themselves to be totally toXic in a way. Previously Rebecca always seemed a bit toxic, because of how depressed she is and because of how weird her life is, and how dangerous it sometimes seems, but she never seemed totally toxic. Often she was fairly uplifting. She was always there to keep me company; and I was glad to keep her company as well. So she never seemed totally poisonous or anything. I mean I have some folks in my life who just, every time I talk to them, seem to put me in a bad mood.

Becca wasn't like that, and part of the reason I'm so confused with the cut off is that I know, more or less, that I wasn't  someone like that for her, either. It was pretty rare that Becca and I fought, in my opinion. We definitely argued politics sometimes, and in the recent week we had also argued, briefly, about a TV show she insulted me for watching -- but would that seriously be grounds for dismissal like this??? In this unbelievably cold way?? For me someone generally has to be consistently annoying and depressing and argumentative for a LONG TIME in order to get a cut. And even then, when I am annoyed by someone, I will give them time. I will gradually wean them off of me. I have never just, you know, BOOM! Blown anyone right out of my life. No way. That's dangerous. No one deserves that. I wouldn't do that. But is it perhaps how she felt? That I was holding her back from a better life instead of helping her find one? That I had become too much of a presence in her life? I always made sure to tell Rebecca that I knew her kids would always come first and that I admired it. I always told her that. I always said that, whether I was her best friend or even someone she married, I knew her 2 kids were more important than anyone else. So what the hell? I dno't feel like I ever rudely demanded attention. Did I type a lot to her? Yes. I did. But I generally type a lot to anyone, and I always told her it's just a habit of mine ... "I don't really take offense if I think you're not reading them. I understand I tpye a lot." But did she, like, not get it? Had I simply become  a completely overwhelming presence in her life???

In my opinion, even if it is the case that she felt I had become overwhelming, I still dont think this type of approach is fair. At all. And the reason why is because Rebecca herself -- did she not undoubtedly contribute, at times, to the fact that I felt lik I could talk to her and confide her in as much as I did?? I mean we developed a friendship. What the hell? Isn't it about intimacy and going deep and stuff? Survivng hard times? Talking a lot? Isn't it abuot loyalty? Understanding? About sometimes arguing? Being annoyed? And also about not taking it all that seriously at times? Of course the serious comment might have some readers confused.... cause they'll say "but look at how much you're writing about it!! Aren't you taking it seriously as hell???" Well yes, I am...but only NOW! Previously I wasn't taking it all that seriously. If she wanted to talk, she talked. If not, I didn't really bother her. Though I guess in recent weeks maybe my expectations had changed a bit? I started talking more? I don't knwo. I had said to her a few weeks ago that I feared I sometimes spoke too much and annoyed her. She assured me I didn't. In fact she often made it sound like I was, hands down, the best guy she had ever spoken to. She often, without me saying anything at all, would rank me above all the other friends in her life, most of whom she felt were largely unavailable, sporadic, and not all that interested in her life story. So was she lying? I guess she was, wasn't she? Unless of course this situation is all solely because of the baby daddy and not her at all. Like why would you lie about it? And don't you think its easy to let someone know that you don't want to talk to them as often if thats what you want -- without cutting them off completely outta fucking no where? It's not all that hard to hint at something like that...just stop replying as much I guess?? But what would i Have done? I would have been hurt I guess. Just ike now. I woul have been confused and saddened as to why she had ceased messaging me. So she just nuked it totally cause she didn't wanna hear it. She probably did reunite with the baby daddy and because of that she just nuked it. He prolly bitched at her about the phone (he always hated it) and so she knew she wuldn't have time to message me anymore, and nuked it. And now if she does return shes gonna try to make it sound like he set up some ultimatum even though he probably never did. He probably never flipped out. I dunno. I rhink shes just a bit of an asshole really, I guess...and not the friend for me.

But man, what a shity realization.

[constantgamer]

Missing Out on My Good-bye

I spent my entire youth in the company of close friends. My family moved from city to city chasing my dad's dream. He did very well for himself and he made sure that I was fed, safe, and educated. I was such a good boy, In every picture I see, because I honestly cant remember that far back, I am smiling like a goofy kid. As they years go by in photographs I can see my smile fading. I dont know what started it, but I can remember the first day I went bad. I was 17, it had frozen and school was canceled. My dickhead boss that paid me $1.75 per hour called me and said I had to come to work. I knew I was supposed to go in, but for the first time I chose not to do something I was supposed to do. I didnt call or try and make up an excuse, I just didnt. We didnt have cell phones then so getting a hold of someone who wasnt at home and didnt show up to work was impossible. I sat in my beat up ford escort in the parking lot next door to my job and smoked cigarettes and listened to the radio for about an hour. Then I went home, and on the way I felt anxiety about how much trouble I would be in when I arrived and my dad had found out I didnt go in. Walked in the door, mom said some greeting but didnt look mad, walked past the office and dad didnt say a word. I went upstairs and sat down at my desk and I remember every time the phone rang, Pins and Needles. But my boss didnt call. I ate dinner, showered, talked on the phone, and then went to bed. I remember thinking, man that was sooooooo easy, I got worked up for nothing. That was I guess the beggining of my downward slide. There is this mental structure your parents can discipline into you, a fear of failure. If everytime you fail they yell at you, the anticipation of being yelled at prevents you from giving up. However, once you cross that line and you realize that there isnt really anything wrong with saying fuck it, its all a social mind fuck, failing isnt scary. And boy did I test the limits, the next day I just didnt go to school. I left like I was going to school, but stopped in a neighborhood nearby and smoked cigarettes and listened to the radio. Wrote myself a doctors not and signed it with my own signature, and then walked into the school, gave the note to my assistant principle and then walked out. The note said I had contracted a serious illness of a personal nature and that I would require an undetermined number of days off school, and that my school work and lessons were to be collected every week and that I would study from home. And they fucking bought it. Both my folks worked so all I had to do was waste time until they would be gone come home and get on with doing what I wanted. Fuck me, what a dumb ass thing to do. The longer I didnt go to school the more difficult it became to go back. Sure I was picking my work up but I hadnt done any tests or in class work. I kept up in all honesty every few days I would hit the books for an hour and get the basics. About 2 months went by, I was stressed every day I was sure my house of cards would colapse, but it didnt. Not because I was a genious, which I sure thought, but because nobody really knew or remembered me. A transfer kid from another state, no friends, no memories. I remember the day it fell apart, I did what I had done for 5 months, school was going to be out for summer so I needed to get back in. I had already thought about how to rejoin the school, I was just going to go to class early one day and sit down like I had been going the whole time and wing it. But every day came and went and I just hid from my own stupidity. So I left, drove around wasting time, parked my car in the driveway, walked in the back door and up the stairs and I heard my dads voice and froze. He was home sick, and I was busted. He looked at me and asked why I wasnt in school, I said something like I hate it or I dunno. My dad looked at me funny, like I wasnt his kid, shock I guess. So he grabbed me by the arm and said your going to school. I knew it was going to be bad, I tried to have my dad drop me off, and he just drove right up to the front door and said that we had to explain the situation. I will admit for a teenage fuckup I was sharp. I told my dad that I went to the nurses office and that I had an illness of a personal nature and got a pass to leave for the day, and that if he said I was better and returning that I wouldnt get in trouble. We walked into my principles office and he looked at me like I remember you, but I dont at the same time. My dad said my son is feeling better and can go back to class. Principle said okay, well we are glad he is feeling better, thanks for letting us know, dad said is there anything else that needs to be done, principle said nope, I got up started to walk out thinking I was the greatest schemer of all time. And then my principle remembered who I was. He said wait, how many days have you been absent and started punching keys, my dad said oh he was just out for the first class today , hes feeling better, and that was that. I fessed up before they delved any deeper, I remember feeling so calm as I explained everything. Loosing my job, thinking I would just take a week off, and the days turned to weeks and then to months. The strangest thing happened, my principle got up and calmly shut his office door and pulled the blinds closed. He sat down right in front of ne and my dad and said.. This is not going to work out well for me, for you, or you. Thats right, there is a law that says I had to go to X number of days in a school year and I was way short. I hadnt really thought that when I sold my principle that lie that it was his job to catch me. And that he failed to notice or check back on the situation. He was trying to be a board member of education or some crap. He blatantly spoke of how he would not get the spot if word of what I had done got out. He then asked to speak with my dad alone and I was happy to get out of there. I ran out front and started chain smoming cigarettes. About 20 mins later my dad came out. He said alright, you are supposed to go to class, if anyone asks you were sick and are better now. And I thought to myself wow thats it. My dad must have seen me smile and said, your going to be sorry. I had to stay at school for 5 hours every day after classes. I had to do anything they asked, like clean desks, or log books, fill oyt paperwork, clean stuff, repair stuff, paint stuff. Anything they could think of I had to do. I had to take a series of tests for each class to prove I knew the material. And then after school got out for the summer I had to do so much work. I became an indentured servant to the school from 8 to 8. I managed to fullfill the requirements my principle laid out and they gave me a diploma and let me walk. At home it was more of the same, grounded no phone, no tv, no outside. I had no friends, and a sense that I was separated from those around me. After that I was never the same, I fucked up every opportunity I was given and nobody cared. I failed out of college, wasted a lot of ny dads money,. Tried to go back and wasted my own money. I jumped from job to job, never really got any respect, I have never owned a home, found a girl worth marrying wbich almost saved me but she died in a car wreck, and we had no kids. In the fall of my life I just now realized how far from the beaten path I strayed. I have no friends, or love interests, no skills, or education. I am addicted to drugs, and lieing, staying up late and good at going unoticed. I cant go back and fix my life, and I cant move forward in my current situation. I try and get a job that pays enough to support myself but nobody will hire me, its as if they can see through my paper lies and dont want me. I think I am going to end my terrible run of things soon I am so tired of being a failure. My dad looks at me like I am not his son, he stopped trying to motivate me a long time ago. Everyone that is a part of my life wontvlook me in the eyes. I see pity and sorrow in the faces of my life. This situation is of my own doing, and I blame nobody but myself. I honestly just dont want to be alive anymore. Watching everyone around me getting married, and promoted, becoming a dad, creating something, matterung to someone. All I feel is pain and remorse, and a feeling that I missed out. I think its time for me to depart this hell my life has become and get some answers to some questions I have been wondering about for some time. I thought about something today which I think is what will give me the strength I need to accomplish what I am planning to do next. Its been over 3 years since I felt the touch of another human beings skin on my own. No hugs or kisses, no hand in hand, no arm around the waist. I go to sleep alone, wake up alone, and the only people I communicate with are on the web and dont know me. My biggest regret is that I really wanted to be someones dad. I wanted to provide what my father gave me to a copy of myself like he did. But that time has cone and gone too. My advice to anyone who reads this is to make sure anyone you love knows it. You can never tell if you are saying your last goodbye or not.