nottebuio3006

[nottebuio3006]

So yeah, assuming you read my last post on it all, where I went into depth explaining how I felt Becca has done this purposely in order to incite "passion", my basic opinion on it is that she has essentially killed all of the beauty she had about her. I basically just think that her approach to further excite me -- cause I'm really convinced that's what tis has gotta be-- has just completely and utterly failed. I don't think she ever understood just how turned OFF I am by people who hide things, and lie, and so on. This entire blocking thing has made me more passionate, in the sense that I'm dwelling on her more and feeling all these emotions; but it's also done something else: it has made me think she's a really ugly, weird, rude, and mean person. It's ironic I guess, but the truth is I'm thinking about her more than ever whilst simultaneously liking her less than I ever did before. And I just really don't think she thought it was gonna have this approach. She thought that I would interpret this anger I'm feeling for her now as attractive. She thought I'd interpret these emotions as a deep profound love or something, I think. Cause there's literally no way she could have just randomly cut me out without thinking I would find it bewildering and that id dwell and try to pursue her. But I don't think she ever totally realized just how unattractive I would find it. If we are to try and examine the sexual emotions I'm feeling in regards to all this, I do think there's some part of me that is indeed slightly turned on, because I do like women in control and I oftrn told Rebecca that, but this sort of control she's trying to exert is just weird and it's also too secretive, and unpredictable. So I don't like it. It's almost like, if Rebecca is my domina, she just locked me up and threw me into her dungeon and I have literally no idea what's going on and I also had no idea it was coming. Plus - the worse part-- I have literally no clue when in fuck she's gonna unlock me--if ever. Like when I talked to Becca about the subject of domination and submission she never expressed any interest in being dominant, but I will admit now that I often expressed interest in being a submissive. I told her I am turned on by dominant women, and that I would even consider marrying her and letting her go with other dudes...so long as she told me about it. I am very open in terms of stuff like that. I am not into BDSM or anything like that but I wouldn't necessarily freak out if my wife went with other men . In fact it might even be healthy. The only thing I stressed though was that I would want to know it . Well what if that was no good for her I'm now thinking? She needs to be able to hide it..? She just wants to do something like this? Where she locks me up and blinds me and doesn't let me see in? She had to like actively HURT me and I'm just shocked by it. Is she sitting over there fingering her pussy , or maybe even just fuckin someone new, thinking about how she locked me out to cry and she's just super turned on by it? She's sitting there knowing that I have been made to be totally blind, I'm literaly locked in the dark ...and she finds It tantalizing??? I guess it's possible. But then how will she explain herself when she comes back?? Cause if this is the case then a part of the turn on wil be she has to return? No? Maybe not. Maybe it's just a one time turn on that brings her to some weird one time orgssm? "Oh I'll just lead him to this epic idea of me where he thinks he's totally in as my bestie and maybe I'll even make him think I love him ..ill tell him I'll have his baby...then boom!! I just hammer him right out my fucking life in every respect." Maybe it turns her on. Maybe she doesn't need to contac me again to get the turn on. It's really hard to know but ..I don't care what anyone says really...sex is ALWAYS a part of things ...and it's definitely a part of tis right now. She moved herself into a completely dominant position. And in order to remain there she cannot contact me. It's weird too cus I literally never had a single picture of her tol like 5 months ago. Then she sent me about 10. So I wouldn't have even had anything to look at of her. Literally anything --- not a single picture. And in a few of these she sent recently she's purposely trying to look hot. It's literally like she built it all up to reach this random thing like I keep writing...and the funniest part is that I think I would have fallen for it and taken the bait, but it's like I really think she saw it more romantically than I was seeing it. She essentially over estimated my interest in her. It's basically like I'm able to control the fire right now cus I was 90% into her as just a friend , not a romance. So she jumped the gun.... She thought id beg to be let back in. Bitch I ain't begging.

[nottebuio3006]

I seem to be in a considerably better place this morning with all of this Rebecca business now. It's all officially drifting to the rearview, much faster than I expected. I think all the typing about it to Tumblr and my notebooks and stuff really worked wonders for my emotions...and just getting rid of them. And, assuming I'm "lucky" this week and I manage to actually avoid contacting her in any way, shape, or form (i.e. instagram, email, texts or calling, or showing up) then I think I, in my own way, will have "won" the battle.

Now I understand it might sound wrong to try and say I'm eager to win... but , I dunno, after being so wronged like this I guess I realize I sort of want "revenge" and this seems like the best type of revenge. To just basically do exactly what she did, and give her nothing further. To be honest I'm regretful I even gave her what I did ... 3-4 phone calls, a voicemail, 2 emails.... 4 texts. Again though like I said yesterday: Considering how often we talked and how random this cut was, I think she's sitting there in absolute shock that this was all she received. I think she really was expecting 100 of each! She got next to nothin', really, and now she's gonna get even less. Now she's really gonna get nothing...cause all my emotions I essentially just drained using my trusty notebooks, which I know is something she simply does not understand. See I tried to tell Rebecca many times about the beauty of keeping a journal, or a blog, or anything written, in order to expel negativity et cetera. She always thought it was kinda ridiculous. Now though I can almost see her sitting here and in the back of her head shes maybe realizing..."hes prolly just making a fuckin story outta this whole thing." And indeed I have. This entire Rebecca incident stole an entire week of my writing but ... meh.....it was interesting to write about, even if it did get repetitive. In fact I think it's one of the "warmest" things I've written in years. It actually all seems relatable and real in respect to my usual vampire hunter, elf wizards, etc stories.....

So yeah. I think I somehow got rid of most of the grief. The panic has definitely mostly vanished. Am I still deeply upset, shocked ,surprised, findig it hard to believe...wishin my old pal was back? Am I still curious where it might have gone had she not ranodmly cut it?? Yes. Definitely. But mostly I find that I have selfish reasons for missing Rebecca. Like I am not sure I miss her for "her" so much but rather just because I enjoyed having a female in my life, as a friend. I live a sorta awkward life so it can be hard to meet girls,even just as friends and even if I tell them I'm gay or bi etc. But now Rebecca has maybe taught me that my previous assumptions about girls (that I made before meeting her) were all sorta ...mistaken. There are poor girls out there who don't go shopping all day everyday and want Louis Vuitton purses and just scream and yell if they don't have them. So maybe I can somehow find a way to meet another chick and this time just be openly and completely gay w/ her and have a new .. better... bestie. If I can find that girl it'll be an even better relationship than I had with Rebecca ... far better ... but I just dont know WHERE I would find her. There's gotta be somewhere. I'm sort of thinking Twitter but then again I want a local. Its challenging...which is why I'm so nervous about this deep dwon ...I basically just think that no other girl will ever talk to me as much as Becca did..... and I don't want any dude friends jajaja.

Becca didn't always like her life but she had a good thing going on around her: She had a pretty nice, empty house she could always invite you into, any day of the week, the house was stocked with her daddys' never ending wine bottles, she had cars and was (often) willing to drive, she would always cook for you...she had an inground pool... Rebecca had a lot of positives and "add ons". Often I did not take any advantage of them (I literally only texted w/ her this entire summer, for example) but they were still there. Often times you meet people and they only want to come to your house...theirs is closed...etc... so I am worried I'll never find someone with a life as open as hers again. I'll nevr find a girl with an open life again. This is my big fear. I am just really stuck now on this idea that I want a female friend, if not mnay of them. I just wish it was easier to find. Ive got no fucking idea how to find it....  

The irony of this of course is that, if you look at the last convo I had with Becca before she did the Cut (I published it on the Blog) you will see that this was, oddly enough, *exactly* what I was discussing w/ her. I had been trying to tell her how she made me realize, for the first time since I was in middle school, just how annoying I have often found havig nothing but male friends. I tod her I was very grateful to have her as a friend...cause she was a girl et cetera. I suppose this may have "offended" her . Well if it did I htink shes sorta close minded and ridicuous. I also think she doesn't understand just how much of a fucking challenge it can be for a dude who isn't "flamboyantly gay" to have a proper femme friend.

It isn't easy and depending on where you are in life it's , like I'm saying, next to impossible to meet.  Since I am not flamboyantly gay I am not in circles of hairdressers or tanning salon workers to meet girls... =p. I don't think I would necessarily mind that sort of society; It just that I never wound up falling into it. I am not all that straight acting now, but I'm almost 28. When I was younger I was into different things and very straight acting. I was terrified of my own homosexual ideas until I ws about, let's say, 24. I was never by any means the most masculine of dudes but I was never thought of as gay either. I still don't really think I'm read as gay, even though I haven't dated a girl in almost a decade, and I think this is one reason Rebecca was maybe getting aggravated w/ me and I didn't realize it. I don't think she really likes men who don't "Seem gay". I think it honestly disturbed her that i come off to her as masculine but kept talking about my interest in the LGBT lifestyle. Again, the literal last thing I said to her before she cut me off was about my interest in th e LGBT world. I had literally said "I just wonder how one would make the initial break in ..to the culture....I just wonder how..." And then she went poof....

So in a way this almost now brings up th eidea that Rebecca has perhaps shot a massive arrow of sorts at my own recent "security " with my growing homosexuality. She has sort of made me feel a bit insecure about it *all over again* since she seems to have cut me out for trying to delve deeply into the subject w/ her. I am not sure how I am really going to react to it. In one sense I seem to feel a sort of strength, as though I am wearing armor now, because of the homosexuality...and on the other I feel like I want to run in the other direction, and not be gay, and chase her. Which is kind of weird? It's almost like the dude who wants to keep calling Becca isn't the queer in me...it's the straight...and the boy who is just shrugging it off... thats my gay self. Does it make sense? Maybe not. I just think it's to say that I'm deciding to run with the gay self here,. With DA BAD BITCH! And da bad bitch don't need shit to do with Becca jajajaja...

--signing out for now ...Lil Kim on blast....

[nottebuio3006]

In a way, if we are to assume that Rebecca really did just coldly block me outta fucking no where, then there’s a part of me that thinks she really is trying to just purposely create a “stalker” out of me. Now naturally I understand this will sound highly controversial but the fact is really plain: she ripped the rug out from underneath me so fuckinh randomly, and without ANY warning at all, after talking to me every day for hours for YEARS, that it’s like …if this isn’t the way someone would create a really angry and upset person, who feels horrifically betrayed and wrong, then what other fucking way is there?

For the truth of the matter is that I have absolutely never felt so absurdly  betrayed before in my life. I mean, everyone gets betrayed from time to time, absolutely, but there is something different about this. I can’t stress that enough. There is something so different about this. For example,  I had an ex girlfriend who cheated on me and humiliated me and left me more times than you can imagine …and up until this bullshit, I more or less thought that she had peaked the threshold of betrayal and what it would feel like. What has happened now though, if Rebecca really did just block me, is beyond that. It’s far beyond that , and the reason is because she did it so randomly, literally during a week when she had confided in me almosr more than ever, telling me we were best friends et cetera, more than ever. It just feels like she purposely grabbed my hand and led me into this really comfortable, cozy, and beautifully safe place, where I thought I just had this really awesome cool friend, and then all of a sudden she just fucking pulled a black bag down over my head and started to suffocate me and kick the shit out of me with five insane fucking dudes. Like she literally just led me like an innocent lamb to slaughter. The entire thing feels like one huge almost years long massive set up in the making. But it’s just like….how in good fuck could anyone be THAT dementedly evil? I guess in a world like this it’s possible…but it don’t make it any less sad or crazy.

Never in my life was I taken by such surprise as this. Ever in my entire life. Every other time I’ve been betrayed there was always some sense it was coming, at least a minor sense of it. There was always some slight smell of it in the air. Take a situation where you think one of your friends might start trying to pursue your girlfriend. That sort of thing was always ridiculously easy to see comin. In fact it was so easy to see coming that you’d often just sort of blatantly assume any random guy friend, no matter how good of a friend, might have it in him to do it. So when it happens you flip out, naturally, but you’re almost not really surprised. You always sorta have the guard up …one eye peeled. With relationships, even with a marriage I think, it’s just that way. The person is always in some danger of leaving you. Screwing you over. Cheating on you. So when it happens you oftentime only feel a hurt so deeply – unless of course you’re a naive fool who seriously never even envisioned it.

A friendship though? It’s like I can’t wrap my mind around it. With a friendship I guess I am naive! I never expected this with a friendship! I never had the guard up, never kept the eye peeled, never even slightly fuckin prepared. Because…What is even the sense of betraying a friend like this? Of just abandoning me and leaving me in the dust like this? What in fuck is even the sense of it? It doesn’t make any sense to me … AT ALL. What satisfaction does one get abandoning a friend with whom they were not fighting? What reward?

Which is why the only way to describe it is as I said: she is , so it seems, purposely trying to ignite the sort of fire that her baby daddies seem to have for her – cept she’s doing it with me. The thought really hasn’t left me for the entire week this has gone on now. She’s trying to turn our friendship and our “love” and our connection, whatever it was, into something just as firey and out of control as what she has with those fucking imbeciles. Is it working? From a certain angle, it absolutrly is: never in my entire experience with Rebecca now have I felt as impassioned about her as I do now. The style in which she ripped herself out so randomly has absolutrly started a “fire” of passion inside me, one I haven’t felt in a decade now. She’s been on my mind easentially 24:7 for a week now. I haven’t obsessed over anyone this much in years…

But the issue is ..like…who the fuck even wants to feel this way? If she thinks this is what love is I just think she’s wrong, I guess. I don’t agree with this. I think this emotion feels shitty. I think it almost even, as alive as it is, it almost feels sort of “dead”. I don’t know how to describe it really, I think it’s just that it’s too wrapped up with suspicion, and betrayal, anger and hate to be a real loving emotion. The love has all been burned out of it. What we had before was better, but not for her I guess, because she has now become completely accustomed to these psychotic dudes who bang on the doors at 2am, who start choking her if she says she doesn’t wanna see them, who barge into the house and practically rape the hell out of her, as she’s probably in tears, the moment they want her back. I just can’t operate like that. Do I understand the almost pornographic sex appeal of it? Sure. I guess. And I know she likes that sort of sex, because she essentislly admitted it….

But I also understand why someone would wanna shoot dope and smoke crack…and I ain’t fuckinf doing that! I just…it’s so sad. To see that she really is this dark. Before I knew she had a definite darkness but it was as though she had some semblance of control over it. I knew she was into that sort of extreme “rape sex” bullshit and it kinda weirded me out but I tried to …understand it?

Now though I look at it and I am just seeing a real dark weird story. It’s almost as though it’s obvious now that she has perhaps lost touch with reality that badly throughout these years with these madmen. She’s lost touch with it so bad that she now thinks love isn’t real UNLESS it’s that sort of dead serious, screaming , banging on doors , angry pursuit , mad sex, is what is happening. She is wrong. Anyone who feels that this is what it has to be, in my view, is wrong. I mean, is there a part of me that just wants to hand mysef over to this emotion and this fire she so clearly (even, in my opinion, subconsciously) wants to ignite? Absolutrly. I want to run after her and chase her and start a hot pursuit. Like instinct. But then I stop and think: what kind of fucking rejected asshole needs this kind of “proof” anyways? If she really needs this sort of pursuit to “trust” that I have passion for her, she’s a fucking TOOL, and fuck her. And my idea is that she herself might be gradually growing angrier and angrier due to the way she has now seen my approach is nothing like these other dudes approach has ever been. I think she was expecting me to seriously flip out far more than I did. I think she was expecting 30 emails instead of just the two rather short ones I sent. I think she was expecting 100 texts and calls from random numbers rather than the five texts and 2 or 3 calls I made. I think she was expecting me to try and add her on that Instagram 40 times, etc. She thought I was gonna show up there by now banging on that door. I think shes sitting there unable to believe I haven’t, and I vasically think it’s making this weird dark evil part of her VERY mad. And as for the “good” part of her (which I’m sur is still partially there) I thin the good part of her is shocked…cause she’s literally never been wjth anyone normal, I now realize. I mean I know her relationship history like the back of my own hand. I know she’s never been pursued by any man in a non violent way. From 18-23 she was with the first psycho baby daddy (her first dude) and then from 23-now basically she’s been with this one. Two guys who basically endlessly stalked her, harassed her, publicly talked shit about her, violently pursued her, and randomly showed up at her residence every time she even tried to leave for a night. Two guys who definitry called 600 times apiece from different numbers. Two guys who probably, if they sent an email, didn’t even bother to wait a single second before they were typing that she was a slut and a whore and a bitch for blocking them et cetera. Meanwhile I’ve sent what I’ve sent and none of it has been even slightly angry . Am I angry ? Fucking absolutely I am. But I ain’t gonna show it just like I ain’t gonna show up there flipping out….

Here, for example, is the last email I sent her, yesterday. Reading over it again now, I think it was such a good one that I need not bother writing another. The first one I sent was sorta half assed. Didn’t like it much. I wasn’t angry in it but I was, I dunno, a little more full of emotion. The second one I really nailed how I felt, and when I look at it from this perspective of “she’s expecting a madman”, it’s just hilarious to read what I wrote . She’s prolly sitting there unable to fathom how polite I’m still being— even as i sit here thinking she’s prolly just betrayed the living fuck out of me:

Rebecca, can you please just contact me to let me know you’re alive and well? We never have to talk again, it’s OKAY! I just want to know you’re ok, and not hurt. Please. I have moved on past many people, I told you that before , I’ll be perfectly fine. I’m not going to get angry like you might be accustomed to with Jim, et cetera. I’m ok. I just need to know you’re okay, cause right now I can’t really know for sure…it’s so out of character and ridiculous that it seems you may have actually been hurt and that I’ve been wrong to just automatically assume you’re blocking me. Please. Just let me know you’re ok and you will never hear from me again.

P.s. A song for thee just to show I am really thinking of you Rebecca!!! : (YouTube link to a private video just for her, me playing a song i wrote on piano)

Please just let me out of this worry / fear box. It’s terrible to be sitting here thinking I might just be misreading all of tis and that something horrific has actually befallen you . I need to know Rebecca. It’s ok. I’m …I’m really scared, but I’m ready, if it’s something extreme. Or. Like I said, you can just let me know you’re there, and not say anything further. I’m just, like, I can’t even think straight, because I have no idea what this all means. I can’t stress enough: if this really all is just a blocking and cutting out of your life, and you’re not sick or something, I’m okay with it. I understand . I often talked too much and prolly you were overwhelmed . It’s alright Rebecca! I’ll leave you alone forever. I just need to know you’re ok!!

If there was another way to find out, I would use that way and not contact you!!! But we don’t have anyone in common except Jim, and quite frankly, I don’t really want to contact him — cus, considering his arrest just a few days before your random vanishing , I have a strong feeling he has something to do with this. Please just let me know. I’m begging you. It’s ok to say goodbye. Don’t feel bad. Just let me out of this box of total fear and mystery!!!!

See now though I feel I’m entering into a sort of hot box territory, now that we are heading into the second week and all. Like I feel that , going through the first week without getting angry and calling 100 times was definitely probsbly shocking to her — but she thinks I’m gonna lose patience soon. In my head she’s just sitting there grinning and twiddling her thumbs in a way thinking to hersef that, ok, he didn’t lose patience and go mad this week, hmm…but next week he will, he absolutely will. So I feel now I’m coming to a big challenge , cus I do feel like my patience is seriously running thin, and I do feel like I just want to find out IMMEDIATELY what the fuck is going on— but I can’t fuckin let myself. This girl needs to learn her fucking lesson just like I wrote Jeanie did. I know for a fact that I burned the ever sweet living shit out of Jeanie the final time she betrayed me (and remember I saw those old betrayals coming rverytime). But Jeanie was similar wiyh this sickness: The final time she betrayed me she thought it was all still a joke and that I would go crazier than ever before to pursue her. Instesd I told her I would never talk to her again, and I didn’t, not for almost 5 and ½ years until she came to see me ! And before that she tried numerous times, after about 7 months was up, to add me on facebook, send me messages, et cetera. She had been expecting a hot firey pursuit and I just went deathly cold. Well, with Rebecca it all evens far more heightened than that, due again to the randomness and also her very very singular focus .

See that’s the thing that I feel the reader of all of this might not understand: Rebecca isn’t really the sort of person who could have any reason *besides* the evil reason I’m listing, to cut someone off, because she is that kind of person who it seems never lets people go and who focuses VERY heavy on them. She is not someone with many friends. She doesn’t have 4 other people she can talk to about all of this. She doesn’t even really have one person! Jeanie always had a milion people to go run off of and stay occupied with when she would “betray” me and fuvk me over. Rebecca has nobody, literally nobody, and unless she magically found a way to meet all new people over night in that isolated dead quiet town of hers, she still has nobody. Hence I know she’s sitting there an she’s absolutely GOT TO be feeling at least something similar to what I’m feeling now. She’s absolutely got to be feeling my absence. If she isn’t she literally isn’t human. And long story short but this is more or less why im so convinced that there are really only two real reasons for this bullshit. She’s sither purposely trying to start some insanely jealous, angry “love” fire, or she’s just actually sick or hurt or destroyed in some way. There’s no fucking in between here. I’m positive of it. She’s a sick twisted completely damaged WOMAN who thinks this sort of angry betrayal shit is love….

In the end I guess I should have known really, that she would ultimately wind up trying to do something to me like this, but since I was never her boyfriend I suppose I felt I would be “exempt” from it. Then of course she sorta came onto me and I came onto her so I guess now she almost, like, *immediately* reverted to this weirdo approach— which is really the craziest part of all. Like we literally only passed a few very light hearted jokes about “feelings”, we never even spoke of them in reality …we never kissed, slept together, never even hugged her /– but it was like she resorted to this the MOMENT she realized I maybe had “some ” feelings for her. As though the very second she saw there was even a single little spark lying around she grabbed it and tried to ignite this huge enormous fire. And of course what I think is so weird is how it took until this now for me to see just how severely damaged and fuckdd up she is. I didn’t , even after everything she told me, I don’t think I ever really saw her as being that fuckdd up or unhealthy or anything. I somehow took in all these extreme stories about her and her insanely abusive relationships and her weird rape sex fetish and somehow never saw her as being demented. I just saw it as sad. Now I’m really seeing it as demented because she’s applying it to me. She wants me to play in it. Do you sorta get what I mean???

There’s also the interesting fact that I think she’s sort of learning and finally realizing – because of my somewhat “silent” and “quiet” approach to this — that her baby daddies and their violent mad pursuit was actually a sign of a severe weakness, in a way. I really just can’t stop focusing on that. I think she always interpreted what they did as a manly sort of strength and now maybe — just maybe– she’s aeeing that they were just weak idiots with no fucking will power (hence they also have these huge drug problems). They have next to no control over their emotions. They don’t know how to handle shit. So they just snap and pour everything out …into reality..screaming it . Meanwhile I’m sitting here just calmly scribbling about it in a notebook to the Internet. Totally different approach. I get angry but Rebecca never hears of it. She doesn’t get the privilege to see it. Only the notebook does. And how badly I know she wants the pleasure to see it. It’s all she wants!!!!

I must not give it to her. I must as of today vow to now not send her literally anything else. When the week began I swore I’d send nothing. Naturally I had to try a little. Well, I tried. Now the time for that has come to an end. Now it’s time for total silence. She cut me off; I shall now cut her off in just the same way. Or …I hope I will anyways . I think I’ll be able to make it. Yes….. I MUST. It’s the only real good strong card I got left to play. Fuck her and fuck her dumb game of pursuit. Fuck it right to the darkest depths of hell. I ain’t playing it /…./.

[nottebuio3006]

I just have to make sure 

I let all the emotion

dissipiate

into the 

text boxes. 

[nottebuio3006]

I just keep thinking I'm over it. Then I turn around for a moment and I feel my stomach drop all over again. Another sad song comes on and I feel it again. Like I was in Love with her Like I really was in deep Love w/ her ...

But how Could I have been in Love and not even known it How could I have been so Connected and not even known it? i feel deeply now the old pangs, the pangs of the broken hearted the abandoned Lover the sad eyed one whose been left behind. These are 2008 pangs for me They don't belong in 2017. I have avoided love because I never wanted to feel this again.

She told me we were friends. She said we were just friends. She told me we were friends. She said we were just friends.

How do you do this to a fucking friend? How do you do this to a friend? I never went anywhere further with you, you god damn BITCH just because i never wanted to feel THIS so you went ahead and you did it to me anyways? What the fuck is wrong with you? I fucking HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

my mind is lost. 30 years old and still writing this terrible poetry. i hate you. I hate She.

[nottebuio3006]

There is a loneliness I now feel that I have not felt in years, possibly since my teenage years. If Rebecca is really gone for good then I am in total shock, and disbelief. To be left in this unspoken, silent way -- to be literally abandoned by someone who I was not even romantically involved with --- is such a mind fuck, that I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of pure loss. I have actually been checking the obituaries because of how unfathomable this seems. I found out some distant 90 year old relative of mine I haven’t seen in years was dead. I never check the obituaries -- I’m 28 years old -- but I was checking them now because, well, of how little sense this makes. Yes I suppose I could just get a ride to Rebecca’s house, and knock on the door, and se if she is there, but ....the fear level of doing that is actually almost maddening. It has essentially reached a space now where, if this really is not just a simple “ghosting” but something more, I’m not sure I want to know what has happened. I’ve expressed this before: the fear now revolves around the idea that something truly ghastly and unspeakable has happened toher. Something shameful. Like her baby daaddy came through and cut off half her lip or something with a switchblade, or he paralyzed her, or he paralyzed one of the kids, or he broke her hands, et cetera et cetera. Basically I’m afraid that she’s purposely withholding something very scary from me. It makes some sense to think because she has done it before--- plenty of times. Often because I would find certain things she told me so maddening and so depressing that she would feel responsible for “torching my day”. Like when she told me about how the baby daddy punched her in the face, gave her a black eye, and ripped out clumps of her hair. That ruined my week, not just my day. I was angry about it forever. So she said “I knew I shouldn’t have told you.” Is it therfore something like this that is happening now? Something she is too afraid to tell me so she is hiding from me. But couldn’t you at least send a fucking email saying goodbye if thats the case?? To just give me closure?? Though I suppose maybe she also doesn’t want to say goodbye. .... Whatever the case, this is hands down the worst experience, or at least one of the worst experiences,  I have had in at least 10 years time, as I am saying, It’s gotten to the point where, quite frankly, and I suppose I knew this from the get-go, but even if Rebecca does return, whatever we had prior to all of this weirdness, has just been completely burnt down. I can never really trust her again after this. I can never look at her the same way. I will now always have to eternally live with this beyond weird, annoying, and scary week she has put me through. A week that now seems as though it’s going to extend staright into another slow and agonizing week. A week where not a single fucking answer has come, and where I just keep dwelling, and getting more and more aggravated, frustrated, et cetera. I just want it to END. I just want to find out if she blocked me so I can feel Ok to write her off and call her an asshole, talk shit about her, and move on. I have an entire library of, like, a hundred good songs I can listen to on repeat, for when that moment comes. I will not have all that hard of a time getting over her if that sort of thing should come. Truth be told, from where I am sitting now, that sotr of typical blocking looks easy as fuck to get over right now. I mean, it generally was easy for me to get ove that style of angry and obvious blocking.I’ve done it a milion times. This is widlly different, however.   The problem now, which I keep stresing, is that, since I can’t be absolutely sure she’s just some asshole who blocked me, I can’t talk shit, so I can’t really get anywhere. I’m paralyzed by the absolute mystery of this. I don’t want to talk shit and move on from someone who isn’t blocking me , after all, and is instead just hiding something really sad/depressing/horrible from me. I don’t want to find out two weeks from now that I was sitting here saying good riddance to someone whose now a quadropelegic or some weird shit, or to someone whose got a dead kid on their hands. I said it yesterday: what if one of her kids ran out into the street, and was hit by a car? Or fell down the stairs? What if something happened to one of her kids??? The dog chewed off half the kids face? I know it sounds despicable to even write and I don’t want to fucking write it. But if something like that happened---maybe she wouldn’t want to talk?? Maybe she would be so freaked out she would just be sitting in pure solitude? At some hospital? I can easily imagine that.I can easily imagine she somehow found out the kid got some hospital test back and he’s got a fatal disease and willbe dead within a year. Who the fuck wants to sit texting with someone about that? Or even talking? Nobody, in my opinion. They’d wanna be alone. Hence a total random cut off.  So, you see, there is this INCREDIBLE dilemma. Eventually if this goes on for long enough I keep thinking I will have no choice but to show up there & knock & see. But even if this goes on for months I don’t think I’ll do that. I am prety much positive that I’ll never actually show up. Even if I ask someone for a ride there, I’ll get all the way to her street and then pass her house and I won’t stop. I’ll have em turn around. I would never be able to get out of the car and walk to that fucking green door and knock. No way. Just imagining her father awkwardly coming to the door and being all “Rebecca ...doesn’t wanna see you. Sorry. Bye.” would be too fucking strange. I think I’m going to take the other option: The fade out. Shes taking it, even if something bad has happened she is still taking it, so I have to try and take it too. I have to let the mystery wash over me and accept it, I guess. I have to let her go either way, whether its just a blocking or a tragedy . I have to just let it all fade out as it was the night she left me. Whatever she might be living now is , it’s almost like it’s just not for me to know. Whatever new awful chapter she is possiblyl iving, I’m not a character in it. She’s hopefully still living and moved onto season 7 of her television show now, and I got cut off as a character, randomly, in the season 6 finale. My character exited the show with no explanation, everyone on the Internet was wondering whY I wasn’t there, in the season 7 premiere, and they’re all speculating. “He’s gotta show up eventually again, no? I mean, he was a fucking main character for the past 4 seasons now!!” But nope. I’m just no where to be found. My contract wasn;t renewed. I have been switched off and put away. No new lines are being written for me. M ycharacter is just plunged into darkness and forgotten. Nothing. And as for her show, it has now descended into some sort of terrifying hospital horror drama. It’s now about how she’s the momma to a quadropelegic. Or maybe she is one herself. It’s all about how she now has to live with a scar on her face, or with a pair of hands or something that her baby daddy lit on fire. I am literally envisioning her as some sort of cripple crawling around the house , him just viciously beating her.I’m imainging her in that little bathroom they have where everything is always in disarray and her kids clothes and her clothes everywhere....& I can see her staring into the mirror at sme, like, half destroyed Harvey Dent face. Shes just sitting there weeping. Shes wishing so badly that she could call me. But she’s not beautiful anymore. Her baby daddy lit her on fire, he stabbed her, he punched her so bad he broke half the bones in her face, so shes too ashamed to call. “Gaetano can’t see me this way. He just can’t. I can’t let Gaetano see me this way.”

[nottebuio3006]

So yesterday I had a pretty bad day where I didn't handle things well in terms of Rebecca. I had wound up finally talking about it all with a few other friends of mine and, upon giving them the details of how she cut me off, they all seemed just as perplexed as me...and much to my surprise, they suggested I try to call her. So all my previous will power to just leave her and whatever is happening for her now be was sorta lost ...and I gave in and started trying to contact her. Now the weird thing about trying to contact Rebecca is that , though I can't be sure, it sorta seems like my iPhone isn't actually blocked by hers. This is because almost every website I have gone on has told me that , if my iPhone was blocked, I would only get one ring from her and then straight to voicemail. This doesn't happen though: every time I call it rings just as many times as normal before voicemail. Nevertheless , I'm more prone to believing I am blocked all the same, so I called from a random website that lets you make free calls, and I also left text messages from there too. I called once and left about four texts . Each of them said I suppose I understand if you wanna randomly say goodbye; but can't you just say it to me...?? After that a few hours passed and I still couldn't believe I had no answer so I finally gave in again , lost control, and sent an email as well. No reply to that either. In the email I basically tried to stress as much as I could that the big problem I seem to be having right now isn't so much that I think Rebecca has blocked me and said farewell but rather that I'm still kind of thinking she may have been hospitalized or hurt et cetera and is unable to contact me . It all sounds a bit preposterous and unlikely to believe I guess but her cut off is so wildly out of character that it really seems that way. Plus we have no mutual friends who could contact me...and maybe it's the case they don't know either? It could be that everyone in Beccas life right now has literally no idea what's going on. The idea that she may have killed herself is also still somewhat high on my list, because again this just doesn't make sense. I tried to explain this in the email. Normally it's really pretty easy for me to let go of people and replace them and what not no matter how close we were and no matter how random the cut, I guess . But this isn't at all normal. People don't generally do this, in my opinion. One quick search on the internet shows you that a cut like this seems to be somewhat rare and it also seems to be sort of limited to dating relationships or friendships that maybe weren't too serious. She and I spoke every day. For years. She talked to people in my family. We visited there for summer holidays and shit. There's no way this is normal. Hence I am having trouble getting it out of my mind: I am beyond convinced that the girl is hospitalized, or in a coma, lying up somewhere with a bunch of tubes running thru her veins ...or as I fear most, already deceased. I am terrified. Every time I type about it or send a message or type an email or call in the back of my head I am like ...am I trying to contact the Dead???? Now one strange detail did reveal itself yesterday which is absolutely worth mentioning: I logged onto the states justice website where you can find the convictions or pending cases of people and I typed in the name of Beccas baby daddy and what do you know but that he was, in fact, arrested yet again, just three days before she made the cut. He was arrested for a bunch of shit to do with his car and then also driving with some minor substance. So this was weird, and it maybe wouldn't be a big deal except you'll remember that the baby daddy was also arrested at the end of June for two misdeamonrs , one because he strangled Becca and another for assault . He had yet to face charges on that. Hence what I'm wondering now is if ...since he's been to jail before, for a full year, is it perhaps the case that these three new misdemeanors in just two months time or whatever ...will they put him Away again? Could he even maybe be looking at years? When I messaged my cousin Allie about it (Allie has done time) he said that there was "prolly a strong possibility that he would do time, like a year or more." He also said he felt "Rebecca was hiding out of shame." Shame for the fact that she now basically has two baby daddies who seem to do literally nothing but get locked up over and over. I think years ago in her early twenties Becca almost found it comical or something, intriguing to have men who did shir like this. Now I think she's starting to find it scary. We are almost 30 now, after all. The game changes rapidly. Anyways I suppose the fact that he was arrested just three days before Becca made the cut really made me think three times and was definitely a big contributor to why I wanted to attempt to message her again. As for today I just ....it's only 6 AM ...long day of fear over this all to come yet...and I hope to God I won't write shit to her! I'm just, again, beyond convinced that I'm going to be sitting here & then get a random phone call from some number ...or maybe even hers..but it ain't gonna be her. It's gonna be her father or her mother or her brother or something explaining to me that she's in the hospital in a coma or that she died that day she "cut me off" , and then what the fuck will I think??? I will have some real strange emotions then won't I?? Cause I spent the first part of all of this not believing that dark shit at all and just believing that she cut me off. But now that this detail about the arrest has surfaced it's like ....shit, I dunno. This girl really might have flipped out and ended it. I wrote before that she was definitely beginning to seem slightly suicidla. Two times I got nervous that she was gonna hurt herself. I think she can't believe how challenging life with two kids and no reliable father wound up being.... So there you go ...that's my morning message on it. Still freaked out as can be over it .

[nottebuio3006]

So I will try to stretch my writers wings this morning and, instead of going on about how sad and distraught I am over Rebecca running from me like Frankenstein, I will try instead to actively envision some sort of fantasy story where everything goes well for her and I. Maybe it'll work a bit like the Law of Attraction that book the Secret talks about: I'll literally write my way back into Beccas life...or, no...ill write her back into mine. William Burroughs wrote that he was writing himself out of death when he wrote his final novel, the Western Lands, in his 80s. If William could write himself out of death, can I write Becca back to life? Resurrect her? Cause she basically sorta killed herself didn't she? Where will we begin? Well let's imagine the scene I most want to imagine right now: I will be sitting here on my porch with my pitbull looking up at the sky and thinking it's about to Rain and pour (let's make the sky all overcast and dark and what not) and I'll keep checking my phone repeatedly, as I'm doing now, and then suddenly I'll hear it buzz. At first I'll check it and, like it has been these past few lonely days, it'll just be my old Yahoo email sending me god damn spam. But then I'll realize wait a second, da hell is this, Jack? Oh my ...oh my god...it's HER. It's a message from Rebecca. It'll for some reason be from a different number than her normal one. It'll seem like some distant out of state out of country number. Something real weird. "Hey." The message will say, "it's me. Becca. I..." I'll click into it ...typing furious and fast : "Becca thank god! Where were you! I was so WORRIED! I was so LONELY! What happened to you?" A few minutes will pass before a reply. I'll see she's typing. Then a very long reply will come, a few paragraphs of text just bursting and bleeding all over the screen. Lots of exclamation points. Some typos. Et cetera. She will be telling me a story of how she was attacked by Jimmys father, like I've fesred, and how he shattered her iPhone in some insanely violent fight. Then she will say something she's never said before: She will say that during this fight she somehow found the strength to fight back. She shattered a vase or something over her baby daddies head. Maybe she...she maybe even stabbed the rotten mother fucker. So it turns out that the woman went missing for a big fuckin reason I never really yet imagined: The dude came to get her indeed, and he beat her, bad, but she actually got him this time. She rocked house. She stabbed him ...where? Somewhere severe so he had to be hospitalized but not somewhere where he died. She didn't become a murderer. No . I won't write that shit. She just got him. But then what happened to her? Did she get hauled into jail? I don't know. Would they haul a woman like that into jail? Who was just defending herself from an attacker? I suppose in this country where a scum sucking leech like Jeff Sessions is Attorney General it's plausible she would be imprisoned. We won't write that however. We're gonna write that the baby daddy gets imprisoned instesd. He's in the ..,prison hospital. Awaiting charges and condemnation. The charge is just being a woman beating asshole. The sentence is the American justice system does something noble for once and gets him out of our hair. Then what? Hmm...maybe then Becca will tell me she's sitting in her Ford driving around. She's alone, as the kids have been taken somewhere to recover from that most traumatizing incident. She'll say she wants to come scoop me ...now she's got the Time. I'll sit and stare at the telephone nervously thinking I'm in a dream. I'll ...remember having written this document or one similar to it. Yaya...in this alternate reality I was also writing frantically about her disappearance cept I wrote a fantasy where she came back to me in a dream. I'll tell her I'm not mad she vanished. It makes sense now. I'll realize I was never blocked like I thought I was. I'll be embaraased as hell because I'll know that she read all my texts I keot sending to the phone thinking I was blocked. Or no...wait! I had said that her angry asshole dude had shattered the phone? So she never read them anyway. They all went to a shattered phone. They don't exist for her. Just me. She will come get me in the car after I tell her I need 40 minutes to shower and prepare. When I get into the car she won't wait even one second . Some weird melancholy romantic song will be playing. She'll look at me and smile and say I hope your ready for what I am about to do. Whateva I'll say, go for it. We will start kissing passionately just as the rain begins to pour down heavy and hard. Thunder will begin booming heavy out in the distance. Lightning flashing over and over. It'll be night. Ya make it night . The music on the radio will switch as we kiss..some sad piano song ...the dark bass of the fords crap subwoofer rumbling as the piano tears through the speakers. We will continue kissing and she'll ....suddenly stop. And just look at me. "We gotta drive Jack we gotta drive." She will say, wiping her ruby red beautiful lipstick. "Where??" I wil say. "I dunno--- anywheres I guess." She will turn the windshield wipers on full steam as the rain keeps pouring and smacking the window. We will start driving and ....that's when I will realize I'm just dreaming ...cause we're gonna make it so that the Streets ain't like these real ones here. Like we will have been out in front of my house parked on the grass per usual when we was a'kissin but now we won't be anywhere near the crib. We will be ...where? Who knows. Some undefinable place. Some weird North African Arabian city scene. Aladdin vibes. I'll look over at her driving and she'll hace all sorts of colorful weird exotic jewels and makeup on. She'll reach out one hand to me. "Hold it." She'll say....then she'll start speaking French. Of course I'll understand ...I've studied French.... "I wanna drive the ford up over the mountains man." She will say. She will point. I'll see men flashing by on the side of the Ford ...men and women...all galloping on hugr horses. Black Appaloosas ...stallions ...just ripping around ... "What's over the mountains?" I'll say, "A beautiful place baby. Some place were gonna stay. Got it all set up somehow. Just magically you know? It's all set up for us to arrive. I got a Grand piano there waiting for you man...we gonna write an album on it ...I got a swimming pool...a tomato garden...a wine cellar like Tuscany...." I'll look out and see the mountains. I'll hear the cAr engine sound like its rattling as though it's gonna explode. Becca will start twisting the radio dial through a million weird frequencies. I'll start hearing the voices of people I have not seen in three thousand years. I'll hear old speeches from presidents who never were ...songs that no rock bands here on earth ever managed to write ...then finally I'll hear some piano playing again ..and Becca herself will start singing to me like she does sometimes if you're lucky. She will press her foot heavy on the gas pedal. "Be ready." She'll say, "it all might ..hmm..pinch a little. Just hold my hand and squeeze..." And then the car wil hit 100..200 miles an hour ...as we soar right over the mountains ... To the other side -----

[nottebuio3006]

Aminor and C Well I woke up this morning No warning was given at All The Woman left a man just to die The woman left her good friend to cry No no not one Word was said Not a single thought did she put to my head Woke up and I saw that she fled It's like she maybe , just wants me dead We never fought , we never screamed We just fantasized baby we dreamed She wasn't my woman, she was just my friend So why did she do this , why'd she make it end I'm sitting here and my thoughts are all shattered I thought she was somebody I thought maybe she mattered I thought she understood that I had a heart and a soul Instesd she slammed the door and trapped me in the freezing cold

[nottebuio3006]

So for awhile I kind of thought, if I’m gonna send a message to Rebecca in email, I should really make it count right?

Cause apparently she just whipped me down into the deep …I gotta make sure the one net I cast will be wise , not stupid …something that will convince her to please please oh pleeeease won’t you come back into my life?? Oh please oh please? I gotta write some bloody long email and I gotta send you poems and letters and , what, mail a bouquet of flowers to your house??? I gotta try to Show you I care. Well I’ll be damned momma , I already did that! So I think anyways !!!

So I was sitting here listening to this old early punk song from the 70s I always used to dig as a kid, and I thought , you know what? I wanna just waste my one permitted email now. I wanna waste it as I repeatedly listen to this weird depressing Velvet Underground song.

I wanna just throw it out as whatever. I ain’t gonna try to think of it cus tis girl just tried to whip me to my death and kill me. This girl just pulled a blade On me outta no where and dipped it right through my throat for nothing. Boom boom . She pulled out the biggest blade she could find and burned me to death with it. She’s sucking my blood and tears up laughing.

So whatever. I ain’t gonna sit dwelling on some email to convince you to come back and be my buddy . Cause I don’t think you’re gonna even give me the time of day anyways. You obviously hate me. No one would do this to someone they don’t hate. No one would ever do this to someone unless they hated them. I also told mysef I don’t wanna get mad. No use in doing that. Waste of energy .

So whatever . Whatever….

I AM TIRED I AM WEARY I COULD SLEEP FOR A THOUSAND YEARS A THOUSAND DREAMS THAT WOULD AWAKE ME DIFFERENT COLORS MADE OF TEARS

(This email was never sent)

[nottebuio3006]

THE LAST CONVO 

The last Conversation I ever had with Rebecca in full for the curious:

ME: ...You're the greatest fem hero I've ever had.

HER: Lmfao.

ME: It's true. You ruined my connection with boys. Lmaoooo.

HER: Oh great lol.

ME: It's ok. It's just true. They became..boring to talk to, after you. That's what i mean to say =).

HER: Yes my psychtotic ass must be more entertaining than beer and football and bitches.

ME: Oh yes! It is SO much more. I was for years fine talking to boys. now? YAWN! And it's all cause of you. It's like, damn, I need more fem friends, but no other women are like you! I've tried. But they ain't mommas and they're different. They're disappointing too, oftentimes.

HER: Lmao.

ME: But boys...yea, absolutely. Just bores after you.

HER: I've set the entertainment bar too high.

ME: Yes, not because of your fights... (with her boyfriend). Not at all cus of that. Just because, you know, the VIBE. It isn't entertainment, Becca. It's a human connecton. That's why, after you, really getting to know you ...I was sort of like, you know, wow...maybe I am a queer! Cause what does it mean that I can connect so well with a Woman?? What does it mean? And why do boys bore me now? It's weird for me.  Why do I enjoy it so much more than boy talk?

(This was the one that got me wasn't it? I should have never mentioned queerness or feelig queer or even gone anywhere fucking near queer. Why did I? WHY??? WHY???? Although keep in mind, similar convos had been had many times in the past, and I often made jokes about myself being gay. I often even pretended to be a girl, sort of, talking to her. So it wasn't supremely out of the ordinary or anything, to say something like that. Hell one time I remember telling her that if she ever started to date me, she would have to be warned of my two "psycho ex boyfriends". She said who cares?)

Anyawys, her reply, just minutes later : LMAO!! (in caps) .. That oesn't make you a queer you Goof!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

ME: Wouldn't other boys say it does? I don't think so either. But isnt that what *they'd* say? That I connect with a woman as a friend, better than a boy?? I'm -- look, I'm just going by the barometer of what I imagine other boys go by. I'm just saying, it made me question my sexuality, and I never did before, really, in the entirety of my life, question it so strongly as i have Now.  (I then briefly get nervous and I try to switch the topic to True Blood the TV show very quickly.. I sense that she might have been weirded out by my diving into the queer territory) "Did what I say about sexuality disturb thee?" is the next thing I type... "Most boys would say it!" I type, " -- dude, how could your best friend be a WOMAN!?---"

A number of hours pass now until her next message (a fairly common thing  with us both and never really cause for concern ... time goes from 11:17 AM to 3:57 PM ..the two last messages Rebecca has ever sent me now come...)

HER: Lmfao. Maybe it's the case; but that's what is wrong.

3 more hours pass until I see these messages. It's now 7 at night. 7:10. I type:

Absolutely it's wrong. I agree, Becca! It's the most limited box of all time. But it is indeed the current cultural attitude. So basically I guess I'll have to let you suck my dick ... (we, and specifically SHE, had just been joking about doing this 2 nights earlier, and I had told her, in fact, that I would NEVER let her do it!!! ) to ease this horrible horrible idea...bwahahaha.  Though remember when you said you would tell me more stuff and everything --if I was gay??  (see, it was previuosly discussed). Remember? I dunno. It's just definitely different you know?? Once I disregard gender and I just look through the box of 'best friend'. Cus the stories told, lol, they have definitely become very different with my latest bestie!! Anwyays.... the gay life...it's probably the most Europea lifestyle possible here in the States, since they seem pretty tolerant and easy going. Wide group of friends oftentimes. Cosmopolitan. The arts are widely discussed. It's not all just dick suckin' and gay night clubs you know?? If thats what you're thinking?? I mean I dunno, It just ...it don't seem that way to me, you know?? I'd probably, if I were gay, I'd have easier access to wealthier types of friends. I'm just ... I'm not sure where you'd make the initial break in or how...

((And there you have it. That's the last message that Rebecca apparently ever read me, at 7:32 pm.. because after that none of the messages were read, they never got the blue arrow of being read,.. she never saw them.)

So ya.  Thats the last conversation I ever had with Rebecca, before she randomly blocked me on both WhatsApp, and then the iPhone itself (no calls can go through) and also before denying a request I made to her Instagram a night later....

PLease keep in mind that Becca and I have essentially talked nearly every day, usually on text and sometimes on phone, for hours at a time, for the past 3 years. She seemed like she was pretty happy about being good friends if not "besties" for a long time. But I guess I thought wrong??? Suddenly something in her just snapped about it. What the hell was it? The dick sucking comment? The fact that we often had started to joke about marriage?? The fact that I was clearly rather seriously -- at least in her eyes, one imagines -- considering a gay lifestyle?? What did it? And in your opinion did any of this stuff really warrant a total cut off??

In my eyes, it obviousy didn't, and I certainly wasn't expecting one, but looking at it, I guess I can sort of see how she just snapped, but it doesn't make me understand it anymore. Not at all. I mean, this type of conversation was nothing in comparison to some that wev'e had. It was nothing at all.  

[nottebuio3006]

It is kind of interesting what has happened with Rebecca's cell phone number for me now. In a way, I sure hope she hasa in fact blocked me because her cell phone number has just turned into this "box" that I throw thoughts into randomly, the moment I feel them.

It's sort of like the way you can send text messages to your own number, in order to remind yourself of something, et cetera -- except now I don't have to worry about the texts bouncing back and repeating themselves. In the past week since she blocked me I have typed a lot of stuff into the "empty well of no replies". Prinicipally I have been typing stuff I always sort of wish I had more courage to say directly to her, like about how I am ,in truth, attracted to men, just like she is, but how I still don't feel "gay".

I told the empty void that has now become Rebeccas number all about how ,just because I like men, it doesn't mean I can't also easily see myself spending my life with her, or marrying her, et cetera. It's very easy fr me to see Rebecca as my wife, which is something we discussed, but it's also easy for me to see myself following a "gay path"...if she is not to hang around. And I think maybe ..because I did often try to hint to her that I am defiitely bisexual...I think maybe it was all of this that disturbed her and frightened her, and made her think she didn't want to be w/ me. For the truth about Rebecca and her back story is actually sort of weird, but it does involve some serious gay anxiety. She thinks her father is gay, or actually I think she *knows* he is gay (she apparently once found some weird Craigslist emails he was exchanging with a man) and so she sort of probably has a fear over marrying a man who would pop out on her as "completely gay" one day. I would imagine it would be embarassing, and so I guess her approach to it all is that she seems to hook up with these guys who not only do not seem gay, but who actually seem positively anti and hateful of gays. The problem here, I think, is that Rebecca doesn't understand what I personally see as the very serious reality of the spectrum. This means to say that a lot of guys who are okay with the gay community, and who don't live in constant fear/hate of it, are probably , you know, much more likely to one day "pop out as gay". It's like I was almost trying to teach her that -- that her father could still be a good man but also a queer-- but it back fired. For the truth about me is that I know I don't seem gay, at all, to Rebecca. I seem like a nortmal man. At times I even came off, I think, as being somewhat in control of her absolutely lunatic boyfriend. He listened to me and I often taught him many things about masculine topics he, much to my surprise,  knew next to  nothing of, i.e. histories of the US wars, cowboy culture, old country song culture, how Republicans are born, particular war tactics that the Romans created centuries ago,  and even at times gun culture would I discuss with him.  These are all basically just topics I know. They are not necessarily things I like. They're just things I know because I read. If you want to understand how Caesar conquered the world, you have to read about the tactics that the Roman military used. It doesn't mean I like the military myself. But it's a part of the world. To this absolute imbecile dunce she ws dating of course, anyone who spoke even remotely about the military in any depth was "automatically a lover of all things manly and masculine".

The basic point of it all is that Rebecca now seems convinced that, unless she dates an essentially psychotic man who acts out his "masculinity" in totally toxic ways, she is in danger of ending up with a man who is going to ultimately 'embarass' her by coming out as fully gay, or leaving her for a man, et cetera, at some point in the future. I suppose I can understand the anxiety and I guess I really just went "too far" for her comfort in terms of talking about being bi or even hinting at it, and so forth. I should have just sort of hit pause but instead I kept going wiith it and basically I did this because Rebecca never really...well,I never really knew if she was just a good friend or something more. So if she was just a good lady friend, I wanted to tell her about this alternate LGBT path I sometimes dream/fantasize of following, and if she was somethig more, I wanted to tell her about this fantasy I also sometimes have of how I could be her husband, or like a father to her kids, etc. I think that Rebecca didn't understand that, if she had allowed me in as that role,  I would have vanquished the other path instantly. Of course she might find this hard to believe. I guess she did; which is why this is all just another potential reason she decided to cut me completely out of her life...

Either way I look at it, I still feel deep disappointment for what shes done, and I don't really sympathize with her much because, I mean,who the hell wants to be with someone this close minded and terrified of stuff like that anyways? Its 2017. How can you stll have such severe hang uups about all of this stuff? Its ridiculous and its not honest. What she's looking for is essentially an actor. Well, with her past two baby daddies, that's basically what she has found, since all they do is walking around "Acting" like they're the biggest most masculine men on Earth, even though they're just poor fools who have no real power besides from what little violence they can deal out. And not only are they poor as dirt and not actually bosses of anything  (none of us are )but they also **can't even openly express their feelings or emotions** becuase they feel so endlessly determined to act out this bullshit. So who is the better choice....

Again I dunno. I wonder when I'll finally get sick of writing about her. It feels good to just vomit like this. Hopefully soon I'll have no more vomit to spew.  

[nottebuio3006]

If she blocked me on the orders of her baby daddy or if she did it because she herself just, for some reason, can't stand me anymore, does it really make a difference? Is she a better friend if she did it *only* because the baby daddy "forced her to"?  If she comes back to me saying she's sorry and that she didn't want to block me and that it was just because Jimmy told her to, should I forgive her? And be friends with her again??

It is quite the dilemma I am in now I feel, no matter what the circumstance is. Obviously it's the case that I am thinking of her in every minute that passes, and obviously I wantto look at my iphone and see that she will message me again. I want so badly to see something from hr -- anything--even just a message saying one word. But then I am also conflicted, because now its like someone who has basically revealed themselves to be totally toXic in a way. Previously Rebecca always seemed a bit toxic, because of how depressed she is and because of how weird her life is, and how dangerous it sometimes seems, but she never seemed totally toxic. Often she was fairly uplifting. She was always there to keep me company; and I was glad to keep her company as well. So she never seemed totally poisonous or anything. I mean I have some folks in my life who just, every time I talk to them, seem to put me in a bad mood.

Becca wasn't like that, and part of the reason I'm so confused with the cut off is that I know, more or less, that I wasn't  someone like that for her, either. It was pretty rare that Becca and I fought, in my opinion. We definitely argued politics sometimes, and in the recent week we had also argued, briefly, about a TV show she insulted me for watching -- but would that seriously be grounds for dismissal like this??? In this unbelievably cold way?? For me someone generally has to be consistently annoying and depressing and argumentative for a LONG TIME in order to get a cut. And even then, when I am annoyed by someone, I will give them time. I will gradually wean them off of me. I have never just, you know, BOOM! Blown anyone right out of my life. No way. That's dangerous. No one deserves that. I wouldn't do that. But is it perhaps how she felt? That I was holding her back from a better life instead of helping her find one? That I had become too much of a presence in her life? I always made sure to tell Rebecca that I knew her kids would always come first and that I admired it. I always told her that. I always said that, whether I was her best friend or even someone she married, I knew her 2 kids were more important than anyone else. So what the hell? I dno't feel like I ever rudely demanded attention. Did I type a lot to her? Yes. I did. But I generally type a lot to anyone, and I always told her it's just a habit of mine ... "I don't really take offense if I think you're not reading them. I understand I tpye a lot." But did she, like, not get it? Had I simply become  a completely overwhelming presence in her life???

In my opinion, even if it is the case that she felt I had become overwhelming, I still dont think this type of approach is fair. At all. And the reason why is because Rebecca herself -- did she not undoubtedly contribute, at times, to the fact that I felt lik I could talk to her and confide her in as much as I did?? I mean we developed a friendship. What the hell? Isn't it about intimacy and going deep and stuff? Survivng hard times? Talking a lot? Isn't it abuot loyalty? Understanding? About sometimes arguing? Being annoyed? And also about not taking it all that seriously at times? Of course the serious comment might have some readers confused.... cause they'll say "but look at how much you're writing about it!! Aren't you taking it seriously as hell???" Well yes, I am...but only NOW! Previously I wasn't taking it all that seriously. If she wanted to talk, she talked. If not, I didn't really bother her. Though I guess in recent weeks maybe my expectations had changed a bit? I started talking more? I don't knwo. I had said to her a few weeks ago that I feared I sometimes spoke too much and annoyed her. She assured me I didn't. In fact she often made it sound like I was, hands down, the best guy she had ever spoken to. She often, without me saying anything at all, would rank me above all the other friends in her life, most of whom she felt were largely unavailable, sporadic, and not all that interested in her life story. So was she lying? I guess she was, wasn't she? Unless of course this situation is all solely because of the baby daddy and not her at all. Like why would you lie about it? And don't you think its easy to let someone know that you don't want to talk to them as often if thats what you want -- without cutting them off completely outta fucking no where? It's not all that hard to hint at something like that...just stop replying as much I guess?? But what would i Have done? I would have been hurt I guess. Just ike now. I woul have been confused and saddened as to why she had ceased messaging me. So she just nuked it totally cause she didn't wanna hear it. She probably did reunite with the baby daddy and because of that she just nuked it. He prolly bitched at her about the phone (he always hated it) and so she knew she wuldn't have time to message me anymore, and nuked it. And now if she does return shes gonna try to make it sound like he set up some ultimatum even though he probably never did. He probably never flipped out. I dunno. I rhink shes just a bit of an asshole really, I guess...and not the friend for me.

But man, what a shity realization.

[nottebuio3006]

So now it is Friday. In three days it will be a full week that I have not heard from Becca, and then it will be another, and another, and another. I am fairly confident now that she will not be getting into touch with me. I can feel it. I have been truly abandoned. It is very sad ....

I don't think Rebecca understands something about how profound this has made my anxiety. I don't think she understands just how sick the level of mystery here is, exactly. This no explanation ending has really left just about every door swung open, and I mean every door: Has something perhaps happened to one of her kids? Did their legs go paralyzed? Did Jake get his arm accidentally cut off in a terrible car acciddent? Did her father just fall over and die in the living room? Did her grandmother die (she was recently in the hospital) and she is too aggrieved to speak of it? Did one of the baby daddies die? Or did she herself get some news that she has a terminal illness and she is going to die?

I think you can see just why it's so maddening to be left with absolutely no explanation whatsoever, no word, no call, no nothing. To be left randomly one night whilst she was in regular, good spirits. To be left without any WARNING. Am I really wrong to think that it could mean literally any number of strange and terrifying possibilities? The first thing I thought of course, for more or less the entirety of the first day, I have written before: I thought she herself was dead, or perhaps near death. I thought she had gotten into a car accident and was hospitalized. I thought maybe the psychotic baby daddy ("he bangs on my doors and tries to break in at 2 am three times a week") had come and strangled her. I was envisioning him shattering open the enormous glass windows and stepping in, drunk, stoned on cocaine or dope, screaming and yelling, swinging a knife around. I was envisioning horrific things.

I at one point was even sitting and imagining her tied up in the back of a stolen car he was driving. Where were they going? The Gods only know. Whatever the case...I think you get the picture, right? I was left in the dust. I had absolutely no idea what was going on. And (though it sounds absurd) because Rebecca has no Facebook...and neither do I...it initially seemed like I would never find out anything, either. I had no way of KNOWING.  Until I remembered the Instagram account. It's not really romantic or anything huh? Not poetic, I know -- but the Instagram account was the one thing that "sort of" put my troubled worried mind at a bit of ease....

I had forgotten it existed, you see, and then I  found it all over again, once I thought of it, and though it was private (and remains private) I must have looked at it about 40 times in the course of the second day of my despair. For 100 years now Rebecca always had the same picture for her Instagram, the same default: It was an old photo of her where she was much younger, basically from another lifetime. Well, that picture was the one I kept seeing the first 40 times I logged onto the private Instagram .... and then suddenly it changed. Ialmost couldn't believe it. I was taken aback. She put a new picture! She's ALIVE! She is not hospitalized! She is not DEAD! She is OKAY. I was relieved ... but then of course a whole new canof worms popped out. Because then my broken soul knew she was really just, apparently, blocking me. For no discernible reason. So I went and did what any asshole male would do: I created an Instagram account, and made it obvious it was me, and tried to follow her private one. She knew it was me, I know she did; but she rejected it.

The sadness grew thicker, the fog grew stronger, my despair worse. When I tried to add her on Instagram, my thinking was something along the lines of "maybe her baby daddy has returned and somehow blocked her from talking on iPhone, but maybe on Insta she can relay me something?" No. I was wrong. She just blocked me again. The second act began I guess then, once I saw she had rejected me,  and it was now a play of utmost tragedy. Rebecca had walked off the stage. She never said goodbye. She never said anything.  This is around the time the poems started, the prose, this stupid blog about being abandoned. This is when I realized that this was all probably just going to keep going on and on forever. This is when I realized that Rebecca had probably been developing a growing animosity and  hatred for me for quite some time and just never said anything about it. After all, why on Earth would you randomly X someone out of your life unless you had sort of hated them the entire time right?

Still of course I find that the deranged and terrifying thoughts come, because they've already been set in motion so they can't stop. I imagine the situation still that someone has maybe dropped dead in Rbeccas world and she is too distraught to talk. I imagine that the baby daddy came and beat her so badly that he shattered her phone and broke it, or stole it to pawn it and get high, and that she wishes, too, that she could contact me, but she can't. I even imagine that maybe she herself did not change the Instagram picture, but that the baby daddy did. He may have thought of it himself, who knows, and changed it. He may just have the phone himself now and be controlling it and keeping her silent and removed from all of us in the "outside world". How is it possible to really know? His restraining order was up, after all, he said to me last I saw him, and I know that he fully intended on moving back in. He had it absolutely made in the shade at Rebecca's house, three square meals a day and not a thing he had to do for it, so why wouldn't he move back in? He was aching to move back in, but she was not aching to have him back. She said she didn't want him back. So is that really what happened? Is all my grief actually just misplaced? Is Rebecca only blocking me based on his strict and insane orders? It's a possibility, I suppose. But I don't know stil. I don'tknow. I find it hard to believe that it could have somehow gone that far. But I guess it could have. I guess it really could have.

[nottebuio3006]

It is a sadness I now attempt to throw behind me. To some other room some other Gloom some other Tomb

Ya she left a little too soon, ya it was unexpected ya ya ya

but what Can i do about it? No sun to see no words to Write she felt she had to vanish.

meantime i re-arrange the Universe like in years of Old I set sail on Spanish galleons to the high Seas she ain't never known. she Is stranded you know? you dig? She been stranded, man. Locked up little Girl trapped with those evil ones She has never seen anything, not even in dreams...

I see Portugal I see Greece I see Italy & the belly of the Beast. I take her Heart -- her heart Gives me grief! I slam the door, glass shatters she had no Faith - had no belief .

I am an old Stone wanderer down empty long black highways desert paths little roads she can't see conversing with Devils, angels, snakes, lizards, mosquitoes, frogs, elephants....crickets....  

What's she doing now I wonder? Alone in her deep solitary darkness. she thinks my solitude is deep? hers extends much deeper. she is truly alone -- I merely appear to be Alone. But I am not not like she. not like she.

I open the door to the imaginarium. I go a'wandering over rivers over hills over mountains. I look over my shoulder back there one quick glance She will try tofindme again

but I will be gone.

[nottebuio3006]

I am left to dream quietly of some other world now. Some world where people are not like they are here, where they are not betrayers backstabbers, deceivers and double crossers like Jane is. Jane woke up and she pulled from the book of Judas Iscariot on Monday. She is Judas. She is Jane  Iscariot. Jane fucks Judas now. She is a pale thin white skinned whore for him, for all of this lonely world . But she is a white whore who brings no comfort She brings no peace —–

I am left to dream quietly now of the great betrayer

[nottebuio3006]

They tell me now to move on and to find a distraction But I don't think I can. I miss Rebecca. She was my friend. My thoughts get complex But now my thoughts are simple, dreadfully simple. Where is Rebecca? Where did she go? Is she OK? Is she alive? Is she happy? Is she crying? And why does she hate me? Why does she want me gone? I miss Rebecca I miss her something awful. Have I ever missed a human this bad? Maybe ..years ago..a night or three...maybe..as a kid...yeah.... As a man? As an adult? As a person in this new scary Reality? The almost 2020 reality? No. I never missed anyone this much As I miss Rebecca right now. I'm scared. I'm scared I will not make it through this. I am floating so deep and so far and so ALONE. I am feeling such PAIN. I am thinking I am crying I am screaming I am dying I am sighing I am frying. The maps tell me I live 2 and 1/2 hours walking distance from Rebeccas house. I wish I had the strength and the power and the muscle to move my body that far. I wish I had the fearlessness . But I can't. I'm afraid. Trouble is high. Trouble is real. I'm afraid to walk to Rebeccas. Even just thinking about walking to Rebeccas feels like it would be going to Mars. She's on another planet now isn't she? She's on another plane isn't she? She's in another realm. She's across two, three, four , five oceans. The Atlantic. The pacific. All of them.... rebecca isn't here anymore Rebecca doesn't write back anymore She doesn't laugh with me anymore She doesn't say let me call you anymore She doesn't say hey good morning anymore She doesn't say everything good anymore She doesn't say she needs coffee anymore She doesn't say she's tired anymore She doesn't talk bout her boys anymore. I miss her so bad And do you know she wasn't even my lover? No no no no This ain't a poem for a Lover --- can you believe that ??? Rebecca was my friend. I talked to her. We conversed. We swam. We dreamed. We fantasized. We joked. We sang. We reminisced. We argued. We philosophized. We yearned. We discussed. We blew off Steam. Now she's gone She is vanished. Where? Now she's just another distant face another strange surreal person of this strange place. She's just some commuter now In some little American car somewhere out there on the roads of the small town the hi way She's no longer connected to me. She disconnected. She flew away. She told me everything all at once whilst saying nothing ----typing nothing//::: Rebecca isn't this sad? "No. Yes. Maybe. Who cares? I hate you. Get out of my life! I'm blocking you. Are you shocked? Haha! I just blocked you. Bet you didn't see that coming fucker. Faggot. Pussy. Punk. Wimpy boy. Cock sucker. Bitch." Rebecca said all that to me whilst never saying it at all.