#edsurvivor

[marathongirl]

The Most Important Love

If 20 years ago you had told me that one day I’d be posing for a photographer, outside, in lingerie, I would’ve thought you were crazy. But here I am, sharing exactly that. Why you ask?

Today is Valentine's Day; a day dedicated to celebrating love. It's also the middle of Eating Disorder Awareness month. And for me, this year marks 20 years since I've been in recovery; 20 years since I was diagnosed with a life-threatening eating disorder and admitted into inpatient care.

At this time in 1999, I was a very sick, 12-year old girl; a smart, sensitive, kind, 7th grade girl who was so concerned with pleasing everyone else that she didn't allow any room to love herself; a young girl who sought perfection as validation of her worth: perfection in her grades, and roles as a student, daughter, sister, and friend. A girl so focused on reaching perfection that she was unable to see the self-harm she was inflicting in the process.

20 years ago, I thought I had unlocked the key to my happiness. I was empowered by a new-found ability to strictly control my eating and exercising behaviors. I was riding on the initial endorphins that came with a new fitness routine and diet. My new way of life was a way of coping with a manifestation of insecurity, self-doubt, and self-hate; those feelings that stemmed from innate emotional sensitivity, combined with the pain that came from coping with precocious puberty as a young girl.

Having grown up in a society that worships beauty and slenderness, the "chubby" and "fat" comments over the years had done wonders to my already low self-esteem, and my drive towards perfectionism. But now, I had a way to channel all of those negative feelings and thoughts into something powerful, and something that I could control; something that would allow me to finally be perfect. And that thing was Anorexia.

A common misconception with Anorexia is that it's rooted in vanity; that Anorexia is a fancy term for privileged girls who starve themselves strictly because they want the attention that comes from being thin. Well, in my case, that assumption could not be farther from the truth. For me, Anorexia was my hidden secret; my outlet for coping with life and all of the demands that I placed on myself. I didn't want people to see it. I wanted to hide it away; to protect it from the rest of the world. It was my safe place; my haven; my secret weapon; the thing that was just MINE; not for anyone else to see or acknowledge.

And for a long time, I did hide it. I physically hid it behind baggy sweatshirts. I didn't wear make-up or spend time on my hair. I didn't wear the tighter jeans that other girls wore. Because the last thing that I wanted was to call attention to my appearance. And the more my disordered eating and exercising worsened, the more I isolated myself from everyone. Whenever anyone expressed concern, I'd have an excuse or a lie handy. I would do anything to protect the thing that I thought was saving me.

And eating disorders don't just starve the body; they starve the mind. The lack of nutrients starves your brain and you're incapable of seeing the world clearly. Everything becomes clouded and distorted. The disordered eating triggers disordered thinking, and eventually, you spiral out of control and crash. You go from feeling powerful and elated, to feeling powerless and defeated.

And inevitably, I crashed; I crashed hard. I crashed to the point of being unable to get myself out of bed one morning. And on that day, I was fortunate enough to have an amazing support system that got me the help that I needed.

Since that day, which was undoubtedly my "rock bottom", I've experienced a lot of peaks and dips in the recovery process. While I'd love nothing more than to say that 20 years later, I'm fully recovered, the reality is that recovery is a journey; not a destination.

These past couple of years have been a test of my strength, resilience, humility, and ongoing recovery. After going through a divorce, and experiencing all of the life changes and stresses that come with that, I've felt the tug of my eating disorder once again, trying to pull me back into the comfort of familiarity and control. There have been many times when I've felt like I'm not good enough - as a mother, friend, or significant other. I haven't been kind to myself. I've set the bar far too high. I haven't allowed myself the space and permission to heal and grieve and take time for myself.  And at moments I've felt myself both consciously and unconsciously, slip into old thought patterns and behaviors.

So this year, 2019, I made a vow to be kinder to myself; to stop beating myself up; to stop allowing others to determine my worth; to give myself permission to move at a slower pace, and feel whatever I need to feel in that moment without allowing impatience or guilt to hinder that process. To be more mindful about the choices I'm making for my mind and body. To make sure that I'm projecting the kind of self-love and self-compassion that I want to see in my own son, so that he doesn't doubt his worth. And to remind myself that I am strong, and capable, and that my value is determined by the love and kindness that I show myself and others.

This photo was taken a few years ago, as part of a shoot that I did with a VT photographer, at a time in life when I felt healthy and confident. It was one of the most empowering experiences I've ever had; to be photographed while standing boldly, in the open, in lingerie. A few times people drove by and I felt embarrassed, but then I reminded myself why I was doing this. This was my moment; it was like raising a middle finger to anything and anyone that has ever made me doubt my worth. It was a celebration of who I am, and what I've overcome.

I had not publicly shared any of the photos prior to now, because in true perfectionist fashion, I feared the response. I worried that people would look at my photos as a reflection of vanity.

But as I think about the last 20 years, I feel grateful and humbled that despite the toll that my eating disorder has taken on my body, I have endured. This body has overcome precocious puberty and the bullying that comes with it; it's given life to a beautiful boy; it's run a marathon; it is strong and powerful and something I'm focusing on loving, instead of punishing.

And I'm hopeful that this Valentine's Day, whether you're celebrating alone or with a special person, that you can take a moment to acknowledge your own worth, and to remember that the most important love of all is the love that we show ourselves.

..And that sometimes the best way to embrace that love is by sitting on an antique piano chair, on an old bridge in VT, wearing a garter and thigh highs and appreciating how incredibly insane and wonderful it feels to do just that.

[pixiestormstudio]

I rarely post selfies, but this was Saturday. I walked in the @neda Charleston Walk. This is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. As I myself am an Eating Disorder Survivor. An illness that stunted my growth, and caused my body to be in a weaker state than the normal body of a 23 year old woman. But I'm here, I'm alive and I survived. And for that, I smile. . . . . . #neda #eatingdisordersurvivor #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #eatingdisorderwarrior #edrecovery #edsurvivor #nedawalk #charlestonsc #believeinyourself #positivevibes #thisisme #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #positiveenergyonly #positivity (at Charleston, South Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/BodF7F6jTMU/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ldmvypipo1ny

[rfarrokh]

I am so guilty of several of those❣️😘💖 #edfree #edsucks #edsurvivor #edsupport #edcommunity #lifewithouted #eatingdisorders #eatingdisorder #anorexia #anorexianervosa #anorexiawarrior #bulimic #bulimicrecovery #bulimia #bulimianervosa #bulimiarecovery #bulimianervosarecovery #bulimiafighter #arfid #arfidrecovery #osfed #osfedrecovery #bingeeating #bingeeatingdisoder #bingeeatingrecovery #bingeeatingdisorderrecovery #bingerecovery #bingepurgedisorder #rachaelsroadtorecovery #atypicalanorexia https://www.instagram.com/p/CRItQaQJmF8/?utm_medium=tumblr

[joannebsimpson]

I’ve been in recovery for almost 5 years from an eating disorder but the thoughts sometimes read their ugly head. When I need a distraction I always go back to this list “100 Things to do Instead of your Eating Disorder” Click the 🔗 in my bio to check out the list! 💜 #ed #ednos #edsupport #edwarrior #edrecovery #edsurvivor #edawareness #eatingdisorders #empowerment #recoveryispossible #toronto #youareloved #youareworthit #youarebeautiful #inspirational #imperfectlyperfect #ontario #perseverance #projecthealcanada #loveyourbody #loveyourself #canada #beatana #beatmia #neda #nedic #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #eatingdisordersupport #eatingdisordersurvivor (at Toronto, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/CLe74V_F-Z-/?igshid=j7iwms6brlru

[plantifulskies]

Ein Tag der so anfängt kann nur gut werden, oder ? Wenn man bedenkt welch furchtbare Vergangenheit Essen und ich miteinander hatten, ist es fast schon ein Wunder, dass ich jetzt eine so unglaubliche Liebe dazu entwickelt habe. Gutes, gesundes Essen ist einfach die beste Art deinem Körper etwas gutes zu tun. Essen ist nicht dein Fein, es ist dein Verbündeter ! Ich schicke euch Licht und Liebe aus Bangkok ! #edrecovery #vegan #smoothies #smoothiebowls #loveyourself #edsurvivor #edwarrior #nomoreed #veggie #healthy #getfit #countcolorsnotcalories (hier: Vegan Bangkok)

[recoverytoohealth]

I've been working on it, putting in overtime😈💪🏻🏋🏼‍♀️

[not-the-one-you-wanted]

Relatively new to this and looking for an ana buddy, just someone that knows what I'm going through. Pm me if interested

[picgramwebsite-blog]

Wenn du mit Worten jonglieren kannst; wirst du für ALLES eine Erklärung finden….. Wenn du mit Worten jonglieren kannst; wirst du für ALLES eine Erklärung finden..... traurig ,traurigkeit ,bloggerin ,fotografie ,depression ,depressiv ,depressionen ,gedanken ,alleine ,allein ,stuttgart ,germanblog ,sonntag ,persönlichkeitsentwicklung ,selbsthilfe ,fragen ,worte ,tumblr ,aesthetic ,aesthetik ,ich ,meins ,selfmade ,angst ,poesie ,essstörung ,recovery ,edsurvivor ,deutsch ,deutschland

[loriralston]

💥Incredible Testimonial💥 ➕For the last 10 plus years I have lived with degenerative disc disease and sciatica nerve pain radiating down one of my legs as well as being a diabetic. This has resulted in me being on some strong pain meds, waking up numerous times per night and having to get out of bed to get any relief. ➕I was skeptical that a pair of socks could offer any relief for me. My girlfriend told me about the balance test she took and was a believer that they could help. I thought I was being gullible but thought I had nothing to lose. I spoke to an associate that I knew and ordered a pair of wellness socks. It was summer and I like to wear sandals so didn't know how this would work as I really hate socks in the summer. ➕ I finally had enough of the pain and thought I had nothing to lose so I put on the socks and almost immediately I felt some relief. Within days I was getting some feeling back in my toes and feet and the pain in my back and leg were almost gone. It was suggested that I wear them to bed also and I tried it and from the first night onward I slept through the night and woke up without being stiff and sore. I became an associate to get the socks at wholesale and now had two pairs of socks. ➕I forgot to wash one pair and the other pair was also dirty so I went to bed one night without wearing the socks and I was up several times through the night and pain was coming back the next day. (I wont make that mistake again) I finally had the chance to do a balance test and couldn't believe the difference. 💗Since then I decided I could impact other peoples life by introducing them to VOXXLIFE and now love doing the balance test and getting them towards a healthy lifestyle.🙂🙏 . . . . . #degenerativedisc #backpain #neckpain #scoliosisstrong #scoliosis #lumbardisc #sciatica #spinehealthcare #scoliosisawareness #scoliosissurgery #spinaldisorders #sciaticarelief #scoliosisbrace #cervicalstenosis #spinesurgery #cervicalmyelopathy #stenosis #spineinstitute #edsurvivor #footballmom #momlife #anxietydisorder #chronicpain #degenerativediscdisease #lowerbackpain #bulgingdisc #sciaticapain #healthyliving #backpaintreatment #painmanagement (at Collingwood, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/BqU9NDdlRTG/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=33xuedf34uhq

[laceandleggings-blog1]

I'M LOOKING FOR WOMEN ONLY 🤗 . The first pic is of me with my daughter in Sept 2017 - I was miserable and in desperate need of a change. The second pic is of the results I got using fad diet products (wraps, cleanses, fat burners, etc.) next to no change... and the third pic is the difference after cutting out those products and focusing on fitness/healthy meal planning . I'm looking for women that want something more for themselves 💖 something meaningful and empowering - something that will transform your body and your mind ✨ . Lose pounds, tone up, follow easy meal plan (no counting calories or macros), build confidence and strength with at-home workouts and challenges AND be apart of an amazing group of women who are like-minded, motivating, inspirational, hold each other accountable and keep things fun! 🎉 *CAN//US//UK - message me or leave an emoji #weightlossjourney #weightloss #eatingdisorder #edsurvivor #homeworkout #nutrition #change #faddiets #ondemand #inspiration #wellness

[pixiestormstudio]

My first time doing my make-up with my left hand! I broke my right wrist yesterday so I'm having to learn how to do a lot of everyday things with my other hand. Luckily I can still manage to draw as long as I tak and the pain medicine, so no worries! . . . . . #artist #artistofinstagram #artistoninstagram #selfie #mermaidhair #artistchick #charleston #summervillesc #lowcountry #charlestonartist #charlestonsc #scartist #itgetsbetter #survivor #believeinyourself #edsurvivor #celiacdisease #celiaclife #celiac #brokenwrist #bluehair #spoonie #spoonielife #spoonieartist #inspire #inspirational (at Summerville, South Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/BpxG7Aag9JL/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=14w6uf5fwfwk4

[cathyhookey]

Day 2 of #inktober & my second exploration of my self & my body as part of my #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder sufferers can be told that their sickness is 'selfish.' "Think of all the starving people in the world!" they said. "How can you be so vain??" Views like this are partially why I decided to do this project so visibly. ED is a disease that is so often borne out of trauma, particularly trauma in childhood. Not a desire to be a model, or popular. Out of *trauma.* The food-centred behaviours are a way to immediately escape the discomfort brought about by neurosis/es, disregulation of emotions & insecure attachment from childhood. Every #edsurvivor has to know that their sickness is not about vanity, or weight, or food. Maybe perfectionism. But where does the perfectionism come from?? STAY TUNED I'll keep you updated as I work trough it! Human drama at its inky-est. #inktober2017 #illustration #selfportrait #feminist #selflove #psychology #arttherapy (at Houston, Texas)

[kelleysoularts]

Expecting everything to be healed at once is avoidance. #shamanism #healing #boundaries #patience #resources #love #live #zebrastrong #edsurvivor #spiritualavoidance #spiritualbypass #newagebs

[tales-of-gargarin]

Thinking this way gets you nowhere. I used to discourage myself a lot but I made a conscience to treat myself better then I had been. I used to want to lose weight just so I would be liked, just so I could be skinny and loved. I even battled with eating disorders. But I know real change is slow and steady, and when you take this journey you should be doing in it for yourself. #edsurvivor #pcoswarrior #weightloss #fitness #healthychoices #adknowledgehardwork #hardwork #beproudofyourself #weightlossjourney #weightlossdiary #healthylifestyle #healthychoices #healthychoicesmatter #slowprogress #fitblogger (at San Francisco, California)

[theblondeintheoffice]

Uh . . .

Why is Tumblr giving me pro-ana blog recommendations? No. No. No. No. No. No. #edsurvivor

[fithippiegurl]

Whether it's my dad or boyfriend, it's always about what I eat. I wonder what it feel like to take up space with guilt, pain, sadness, or loathing. #edsurvivor