#edulting during covid

[thecagedbird]

i took a shower and ate a Real Dinner and i actually feel better-crazy! [as long as i don't let ED thoughts run wild]

[thecagedbird]

mehh it's a Depression day i simultaneously don't feel like eating and eating everything in sight greatt

[thecagedbird]

me @ me all day: i will not binge & purge, i will not binge & purge, i will not binge & purge

*gets home*

*binges and purges*

welp. you win some, you lose some, i guess

[thecagedbird]

Went to my doctors appt this morning secretly thinking “great, I can get a more accurate estimate on my weight” and I show up to an analog/mechanical/old school scale w/ the slidey things?!?! Wtf is this shit?

[thecagedbird]

i want to use behaviors this afternoon but also, i don't?

[thecagedbird]

i actually ate some of my dessert in IOP tonight [i usually don't/hide it] and i'm low key freaking out

[thecagedbird]

why the FUCK am i hungry right now?? hunger cues returning is confusing/triggering AF

[thecagedbird]

my IOP therapist said "you have the perfect personality for anorexia"

like, wtf does that mean?

also, i'm not only/primarily restrictive so i kind of resent that statement

[thecagedbird]

[other than treatment] idk the last time i ate breakfast on thanksgiving nervous AF for the rest of the day...i have no idea how to ‘follow my meal plan’/not use symptoms grateful for all of you though <3

[thecagedbird]

last night i spoke with the director of clinical services at my [most recent] prior treatment facility. she pretty much said there was nothing more they could do on my behalf regarding my job. beyond the documentation they’ve provided stating i’ve completed treatment in their care and they’ve cleared me to go back to work, they can’t comment on my ability to preform certain job functions or guarantee my stability [sounds partially like a liability thing, IMO]. she said she’d speak with my supervisor to basically state exactly that, in addition to the fact that it’s low key none of my job’s business the details of my treatment and/or recovery process. 

tonight is my company’s annual awards ceremony/fundraising event. i was techincally invited [i.e. given the zoom link] and my bio is still on the website and the event program which implies that they want me back at work, but they’re making it awfully difficult. i’m not even sure i want to [virtually] attend tonight’s event

i was tentatively scheduled to return to work this monday (well, after numerous postponements) but it doesn’t sound like a.) treatment facility will be able to touch base with my supervisor by then or b.) they’ll be able to provide the information they want.

i have absolutely no idea what to do at this point. i asked my current IOP team to write a letter on my behalf but they’re not going to be able to do that until after discussing it as a team next week. i’m contemplating writing a letter/email myself, explaining the importance of this job for me personally, professionally and financially, and that i’ve done everything that’s been asked of me up until this point. i need to either return to work or seek other employment asap.

ugh. accepting suggestions. @theaeolianharpist @songfortheasking @iamgloing @@anyone? 

[thecagedbird]

what the actual fuck, i’m still not cleared for work i am hella angry. a little piece of me wants to drink...

[thecagedbird]

mom: i don’t want you to go to inpatient because you think we want you to go-do you want to go?

no, i don’t want to go. does anyone ever want to go to treatment? literally every time i’ve gone, it’s because of some crisis or something that’s brought everything to a head and i don’t have much of a choice. i’m not sure i’ve ever met someone who really wants to go to treatment or is totally motivated, which i think is part of the illness, in some respects (have you?). should i not go because i don’t want to/i’m going for the wrong reasons? in the same breath she says things like “ if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for us [your family]”. #confusing she often says “what you want to do should be the same as what you need to do”. yeah, maybe in an ideal world, but i don’t care about myself so although i recognize i need treatment, i don’t want to go because i don’t value myself or my recovery.

[thecagedbird]

thinspo blogs DNI

i’m seeing a lot of pro-ana/ED blogs following me lately (don’t kid yourself-if you’re posting SW/CW/GW & thinspo, you’re pro-ED, not just ‘expressing yourself’) friendly reminder that i do not support eating disorders or thinspo/pro-ED blogs and i do not want you interacting with or following this blog. this is my personal experience with my eating disorder and attempt at recovery. if you have any questions or want to discuss this more, DM me otherwise, byee 

[thecagedbird]

my weight has been exactly the same (down to the tenth of a pound) for the last week that can’t be right this is why i have trust issues

[thecagedbird]

i did a thing-wear a bathing suit and get in the pool. i feel like this is generally touted as a Big Deal in the ED community...it didn’t really feel that momentous or anything but i did feel a little self-conscious, especially because we had people over, so i guess it’s progress?  also we’re going to be eating dinner later than i would prefer soo ~flexibility~

[thecagedbird]

sometimes i wonder if i subconsciously just want to be sick/in treatment but then i think, that can’t be right, this sucks idfk. i feel like i should know, but idfk.