#emotion: im gonna be honest i dont know

[spn-speech-bubbles]

[scattered-winter]

seeing everyone get super emotional abt the pjo teaser today has been. a surreal experience for sure

[theclosetedskeleton]

THIS IS GOING TO SUOUND PRETTY VENTY BUT

the more I think about it the more I realize why I call myself "overdramatic" and my internal self talk is like that is because !!!! guess what camera pans to my parents

[ciatana]

i am going to pride tomorrow and im gonna have a good day with my friends!!!

[youarentreadingthis]

.

[dizzybevvie]

I think one of the biggest issues I have is just assuming that Im a back up friend to everyone

[lilastromama]

what i love about different zodiac signs/placements 🍷 [2]

___________________________

aries lilith: their willpower. it might not always be for the positive, but theyre willing to do everything in order to get what they want, everything. Theyre ruthless. Im not saying thats GOOD, but its not always a bad trait either. go babes

saturn in the 8th house: how the universe doesnt play about them. this has less to do w their personality, and more to do with how inclined they are with spirit. fool them once, youre not gonna be able to fool them twice anyways. The universe always whips out the uno reverse card on you if u make the mistake to hurt them. Just something i have experienced a hell lot

capricorn sun: their balance (?) listen idk how to put this in words the right way, but so many caps ive met have this certain balance. being calm, kind, patient. And then theyre loud, chaotic, angry, funny, make the best jokes and are the most noticeable in the room. U never know what u get, and i like that

aquarius moon: aquas have never been an easy ride for me, gotta be honest. but the one thing i hold them high up for, is how they dont always "fit in" and yet are still chillin. I have always found strength in being (excuse my language) "outcast" like. Its good to have a mind of your own, and not always walk the way others take, or tell u to go. Please keep questioning things, keep doing you. (as long as it doesnt harm anyone) its a great thing to be unique, its a power move. Its actually something we could all have/do a little more of.

virgo sun: their confidence/support level. Ive noticed a lot of virgo suns to be hype-women/men/people. they support u the best they can, give compliments not even models have ever heard, and make u feel like ure on top of the world. and in women (as i am one, and have experienced this ESPECIALLY with virgo women) they give the best instagram comments. U know which ones im talking about. Those "Omg, i hear vogue calling youu already!!" 🎈comments. Theyre the best at it.

cancer mars: its funny bc cancer is in its fall when its in mars, its not specifically a sought out placement to have. But there is something about those individuals that remind me of female rage. LISTEN 👹 it takes a lot for cancer mars people to noticeably lose their shit, they almost never do it in front of others, they keep quiet mostly. But WHEN they show their pent up emotions, its time to call 911. go home and get the gun, NOW.

9th house individuals: Their minds. Yes, yes, yes. If u like deeptalks, like to spiral down the rabbit hole and back up, talk to these people. they make amazing teachers, leaders, people which are there to guide and learn you. They have incredibly fast minds, they analyze and calculate QUICKLY. those are the people which u go to when ur ex posted a new pic and u wanna know whos in it. Give them about 3 seconds and they will find out, including where their great grandfather lives. A pleasure <3

[goatedgreen]

Okay lets analyse this one for realsies. Im gonna go through each character in this tweet and go through reasons why i think they either would or would not be crying first, then im gonna put them in order of who survives the roast sesh.... join me on this wonderous journey.

Let's start with Atsumu.... where to even fucking begin. sorry to the Atsumu haters but i truly believe he would not be crying first. First of all he has known Osamu since he was born and while Osamu is the "nice twin" the bar is truly in hell and that motherfucker is mean to one person and one person only and that person is his twin brother Atsumu. This mfer has been conditioned since birth to roast and be roasted. Not only that but this guy was CANONICALLY hated by everyone in his middle school, and his only reaction to that information was "So?" HE DOES NOT CARREEEE. And, I will say, while the other characters shown here are bitchy, they usually target people in petty ways that make fun of their skills (with the exception of Daisho who would probs call Atsumu a single loser but he'd likely just get annoyed by that not cry) and Atsumu knows that his skills are too good for anything they say to hold weight., He has the ego the size of the fucking gym. he's fine.

TSUKISHIMA on the other hand.... dare i say it not the strongest contender ... I dont think FIRST. but this guy is wayyyy more sensitive to criticism than people generally give him credit for. LIKE YES BEFORE YOU JUMP DOWN MY THROAT, he absolutely has the whole "keep booing me it only makes me stronger" thing going on in the Inarizaki game BUT YOU FORGET SO QUICKLY how absolutely insecure this guy is. until yamaguchi kicked his ass into gear in the training camp, he was of the impression that trying to get better at something he enjoyed was fruitless because there was always going to be someone better than him. Someone insightful like Oikawa or Atsumu would def be able to pick up on that insecurity and target him for it. I think his strongest talent is of course provoking people so much that they cant see how much they're affecting him, so he gets a lot of points for pettiness that would keep him from crying first because theres no way he's gonna LOSEEEE to someone like Daisho or Oikawa. BONUS POINTS on his behalf though is he was the only one on the team at the end of season one who WASNT CRYING about their loss. And i think the only one on karasuno who we havent seen cry (as far as i can remember).

Now listen.... fanon Oikawa is for sure crying first because for some bizzare reason people characterise him as a pushover twink. Canon Oikawa told USHIJIMA to remember his worthless pride so he could crush him in the future. like... he's kind of taking names a little. i'll allow him a small slay for his efforts of being a bitch to Ushijima. Oikawa is SMARTTTT and has a lot of emotional intelligence, so can for sure target people's insecurities with pinpoint accuracy. He doesnt get SUPER easily riled up when he's "in the zone" and only lashes out when he's backed into a corner. he hangs out with what is probably a team of people scientifically designed in a lab to HUMBLE HIM DAILY, so he has built up somewhat immunity to being insulted and targeted for bully behaviour. LOSES TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF POINTS for being kind of a sore loser and someone who FOR SURE cries when angry or frustrated.

Daisho.... why is he even here (sorry to those who love him). Listen... this guy is petty, and he lowkey cheats, and he takes immense joy in riling people up for shits and gigs... BUT WHYYY IS HE HERE LMAOOOO. to be honest, i dont think he would cry first purely for the fact that he doesnt know these other guys well enough to really gaf about what theyre saying to him. on the other hand, that makes him kind of an easy target because he's so irrelevant to these other guys lives that they could probably make him feel like shit for that reason only. he gets bonus points for being the only one in a canonical relationship (oikawas girlfriend we never meet that he broke up with doesnt count, in fact it loses him points).

WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID. the final order i think is, Oikawa goes out crying first, not because he's upset but because he got sooo fucking mad at Atsumu's unbothered behaviour he had to leave and he was angry crying while doing it. Daisho is next because Tsukishima said some shit like "bro who even are you lmaooo irrelevant ass" and he remembered he sucks at volleyball and got upset, he's okay tho bc his gf is there to comfort him. Atsumu cries next but not because of anything Tsukishima says, he just gets so fucking bored of Tsukishima not giving him interesting reactions to his jabs that he starts doing weird shit like standing on his head and he ends up hurting himself and crying because he is a big baby. Tsukishima is the last one standing .

...

That is of course assuming that Oikawa doesnt kill them all first with his Super Triple Homo Spin Serve that killed all of Karasuno. People forget so quickly that he is the most diabolical anime villain of all time...

[hangingoutwithcorpsez]

Viva x Barb angsty headcanons

(because im sensitive and stupid)

Barb

She's VERY insecure about struggling with relationships, but never really shows it. (looking at the movie scenes where she says that her kingdom tells her only what she wants to hear and how upset she is about poppy's card) All her heart really needed were friends and love, but she put too much pressure on herself.

Easily gets jealous over Viva, because of her abondment issues. She still feels like a pop troll could not love a hard rock one, especially knowing her conflicting past. This starts most of their fights, as Barb can just be TOO MUCH with that.

Insanely pressured about her role as a queen. She's scared of becoming what she used to be, no matter how much time has passed.

Struggles to control her emotions, especially anxiety and anger. That sets a specific picture of her to some, with only her closest ones knowing the real Barb, and only Viva understanding and supporting her through it. It even seems like her soft spot exists only because of Viva.

Used to be deeply depressed (before the events of World Tour) Thinking that "reuniting trolls" with her music is the only solution to her personal emptiness and pain. Not knowing yet, that the event that's actually going to change her is meeting a specific curly haired troll. (but hard rock was probably involved in that event, let's be honest)

Viva

Is deeply traumatized after the bergen attack and how she got seperated from most trolls. She falls into PTSD episodes in which her colors fade away and she leds Clay to cover her work.

Just after they started to form their mini-civilisation, she was still completely disturbed and turned to auto-agression as a coping mechanism, leaving scars on her body.

She's still frightened by bergens, trying to start a bond with Bridget, but the rest... Poppy still has to convince her to them, as Viva prefers to not visit them, if not necessery.

Feels VERY lost in Trollstopia. Not like it's a bad place, but it's so overwhelmingly different to her, that she feels like she has missed too much to normally function there.

Easily falls into panic and anxiety attacks as she's a really stressful troll. She still struggles to take part in bigger social events among unknown trolls. But Barb goes EVERYWHERE with her to support Viva, as well as giving her little motivational speeches before it.

Probably gonna write more some other time but now i'm really tired and i just have to let my imagination live here😭😭 AND ALSO I DONT WANNA GET TOO SAD ABOUT THEM MY BABIES DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE (which only means that i will make more post yapping about them)

[soicykoo]

Best story youve read on here👀

Paradise by @minisugakoobies

-This whole series is just hot asf. The chapters get better everytime too! Def recommend it! This jungkook is hot and sweet all at once. (Jungkook is always hot but just go read this because you’ll understand what im saying) He’s just down right fine as hell. OC is a hot girl and no one can tell me differently, I love her! definitely one of my favs. OC and JK’s chemistry is not to be taken lightly🥵

Practice by @chryblossomjjk

-I still remember when i read the “whats your favorite color?” Part of chapter 1, this story is so good! OC is relatable, and I love their dynamic🥰. Jungkook is magnetic asf no matter what you may feel for him at times while reading. I would tell you more but you just have to go experience this series in all its greatness. You wont be disappointed!

In the seom by @thvhoe

-Jungkook is hot as fuck yet again? but what’s new? OC is precious and learns to assert some boundaries!

The progression of the relationship is just *chefs kiss*

Jungkook and OC just make me happy😇. I dont wanna spoil anything but just know I was team Jk from the beginning bc we’ve all been there. Great story and again character development >>>>

Long way home by @sparklingchim

Okay, so your heart is gonna break every now and then but thats okay bc its JK. I seriously love dad jk! This story alone made me fall in love with dilf koo lol. The angst, the emotion, it’s all just so good. Again, I’m not gonna spoil anything but it really is interesting to see how both OC and JK develop here. Love this story so muchhhh😘

-final note: honest to goodness…I love everything by each of these writers! So.. dont just exclusively check those out. EXPLORE EVERYTHINGGG. I just thought these were some nice recommendations for the time being. Ill try and post more later on, but these are always in my brain lol 🥰🥰🥰 happy reading

[grievedeeply]

Omg yes I will gladly request something for Banda he is so underrated 😭. Can I request general dating headcanons for Banda? Can it be fluffy there isn’t enough fluff of this man! Feel free to add in a couple stuff I hope you have a good day or night!<3

im gonna be honest. i dont care if this is ooc this man is so babygirl. those shoulders.... those hips.... that face. damn put me in the ground already 😭😭 also, you might know me from an old writing blog.. @/saebyeoked. i moved over here awhile ago, so i figured i'd write for aib here instead :)

gn!reader | tws: banda is a murderer... that's really it. overall pretty fluffy !! season 2 spoilers, and probably ooc banda | join my taglist !!

dating banda sunato headcanons

you met in the solitary confinement game. he immediately caught your eye. you weren't too sure on what it was, but there was something about him that had you captivated from the beginning

you, banda and matsushita form a trio, telling each other what your symbols are. your relationship with both of them is pretty simple, and you don't get closer to banda up until the game is over

chishiya had asked you to tell him his symbol, as his partner died in the previous round. he had told you that banda was a murderer, and you shouldn't put too much trust in him. he had yet to lie to you.. so you brushed his comments aside

so what if he was a murderer? wasn't everyone, at least in this world?

though, you would be lying if you said the information didn't put a pit in your stomach— one that was growing with each passing day in the borderlands anyway

you caught his eye back in the jack of hearts game, too. mostly keeping to yourself, he could tell you were scared of dying. he wasn't, but it didn't mean he wanted to by any means

you, chishiya, yaba and banda end up living through the game— and you feel something pulling you to banda. for some reason, you decide to go with him instead of chishiya

your relationship begins to progress after it's just the two of you alone. you become friends surprisingly quickly, for a man who was a murderer in the real world.. he isn't the worst company

he's intelligent, quick on his feet and able to read situations really easily. it's nice to have him around for those reasons, if nothing else

banda has a very hard time expressing his emotions. he isn't big on friends, so it takes awhile for you to get close enough to him for him to think of you romantically

he knows what that feeling in his heart is, and he pushes it away until he can't ignore it anymore

neither of you really.. confess. you two just flirt— a lot. you insist to yourself that it means nothing, and flirting is just a fun way to pass the time or something. but it does become something more

you realize you like him romantically when he saves you in a game. it's nothing big, not in his eyes, anyway. he pulls you out of the way of an object that otherwise would've crushed you, and he acts like it was nothing

neither of you ever say you like each other romantically. it just.. happens

you're initiating the first kiss, obviously. he acts so cocky in every situation and he tries to hide the fact that he has no idea what to do from you

over the time you spent together, you're able to read each other really well. it's a major benefit in your relationship, as you both know whenever the other is feeling upset or angry about something

as a boyfriend... i will say he has experience. he knows what to do to get you flustered and hiding your face in your hands, and that's at the very bottom of the list of things he does

he tries not to be cheesy. but he will set up makeshift dates while the two of you are out scavenging. he never plans them beforehand, but you don't care. he doesn't even have to do it in the first place— as long as you get to spend time with him that's enough

he isn't big on pda. there's no one around in your world, but it's a general thing for him. it makes him feel really exposed.. and it bothers him

though, if it's something you enjoy he'll hold your hand occasionally. that's really all he'll do, but it's more than you ask for

he doesn't mind physical touch in the moments where it feels right. if you're having trouble falling asleep, he'll pull you into his chest and just.. talk to you to help you relax

his voice is the most relaxing thing in the world in your mind. he could be reading out the dictionary to you and it would help you in some way

banda's VERY protective. he knows you're more than capable, but he does want to keep you safe

as much as he tries to act tough, he has a soft spot for you and your safety is a priority to him. he'll go out of his way to make sure you're okay, even if he's injured

he's a surprisingly sweet boyfriend. despite his.. history...

taking everything he sees that he thinks you'd like or reminds him of you to give to you at some point, picking out your favorite food at a store if he sees it laying around.. all simple, yet noticeable things to show he cares

most of the time, you'll be the one initiating physical affection with him. he has other ways of expressing his feelings for you, but if it's a love language of yours he learns to not mind it too much when it's appropriate

boundaries! super important in any relationship, and he sets them up with you really quickly. always respectful of you, and will back off if you tell him you're not feeling something

as strange as it feels to admit it, he feels himself warming up. becoming a better person. that doesn't mean he changes his attitude, though

it just means that.. he is more willing to help people struggling, even if you aren't around. if he walks away, he'll picture your smiling face in his mind and turn around

he has a guilty conscience okay

teases you whenever he sees an opportunity to. if you're staring at him? he's teasing you. it happens more frequently than you'd probably like to admit but you looove how he sounds whenever he teases you

his voice is just... so soothing. even when he's using it to embarrass you somehow

teaming up in games because you're the only person he trusts with his entire being

if you ever say you love him.... he's lucky he can hide his emotions on his face because WOO he's a bit flustered

he doesn't say it back right away, but it doesn't mean he doesn't feel the same way. when he does say it, it's a very special moment, probably after a game where you both almost died

he expresses his love in other ways, mostly. quality time is his biggest love language. it's easy, and meaningful at the same time :")

reading books in silence <3

overall, he's a good boyfriend. he knows what you need when you need it and he's willing to learn from you, which is more than what some people are okay with

he admits when he's wrong. he's okay with making mistakes, and you never judge him for it

he's different. but you like it. and you like him, obviously

he lucky. he knows that, and he repeats it to himself over and over in his mind sometimes just to ground himself

he wakes up in the morning and has you? someone as kind as you? loving him? it baffles him, but he doesn't complain

he really does love you. he has trouble saying the words, but he will say it verbally when he feels the need to

he's nice to only you, normally

you make him feel good. he won't ever throw it away, and he makes that promise to himself

if he ever looses you, he's really messed up. you're so GOOD and he can't ever let you slip through his fingers

[genderkoolaid]

How do you respond to people who try to argue against various gender affirming surgeries with anorexic people wanting liposuction? I tried to point out that theres a lot of gender affirming surgeries for cis people who dont feel feminine/masculine enough, but my sister said that those people need therapy too. I feel that there's a difference between trans people and anorexic people but idk how to put it into words, im scared i accidentally made her more transphobic bc i didnt have arguments :(

Good question! It's important to question and critique our ideas of what separates "good, natural desires which should not be changed" from "bad, unnatural desires which should be changed," and I think sometimes trans people are too quick to reaffirm this binary in our attempts to defend transness.

I would say that the difference here is based in anxieties. Anorexia is born out of anxiety- which is to say, a persist concern over something that triggers strong emotional reactions and which you keep returning to over and over and over without resolution. Dysphoria can and does cause anxiety, but you can be dysphoric without having anxiety over it. You can have dysphoria, find relief, and be satisfied with your body, while there is never any satisfaction point with eating disorders. There is always a feeling of "not enough" because the desire to be skinnier is born out of anxiety over what it means to be fat & fatness' place in society (lesser value, moral weakness, medical abuse, etc.).

Like I said, dysphoria can and does cause anxiety. There are trans people who obsess over their bodies being too masculine/feminine because they are concerned with what it means for them to be too masculine/feminine: it means they aren't real, they are ugly, they're failure. And this is why its important for trans people to sit with our dysphoria and analyze it. If you are constantly worrying about your body being "real" enough, no amount of surgery or HRT will fix that (although it may fix many things).

Now, I am generally against any solution thats like "we should stop Those People from doing x because We know whats best for them!" because autonomy is a vital part of my beliefs, and I think that people rarely ever react well to being banned from doing something Because Mother Knows Best. The real goal with, say, EDs, is to get rid of the artificial desire for thinness by combating fatphobia (ah, if only all the anti-ED campaigns out there did this). The same with plastic surgery: I would much rather we focus on dismantling the system that makes people (esp. perceived women) feel they need to make their bodies fulfill the beauty standard, than saying that plastic surgery is Evil and we should stop anyone from ever getting it, because those little people aren't capable of using their basic right to bodily autonomy correctly. When we ban something, what we really want is to change people's desires. But that requires cultural change, and laws don't create cultural change out of thin air. Its like how yelling at your kids doesn't make them more honest or better people, it just makes them better liars.

Given that trans people exist in every society, potentially going back to the Stone Age, even after we unwork systemic misogyny & homophobia, trans people are still gonna want surgeries. So we should just work on combating those things instead of trying to control people's bodies.

[ranposgirlboss]

~bsd comfort hcs~

this came about while i was cleaning dishes and scanning my check in from work LMAOAKSIUJSAHb (this is pretty much just a more elaborate ver of my other one)

can also be seen as romantic or platonic!!

charas: sigma, ranpo, poe, chuuya, and nikolai

genre: FLUFF!!!!!!! some mild hurt comfort <3

I ALSO STARTED THIS AFTER WORK SO IT MIGHT KINDA SUCK SINCE IM SO TIRED OMFG 😭 IM SORRY IF IT DOES ILL GIVE U A KISS IN RETURN

(it slowly goes more and more downhill)

LESSGOOO ₍₍ ◝(　^∀ ^ )◟ ⁾⁾

---------------------------------------

SIGMA

-SIGMAA (my crush on this man grows bigger by the day), so as i mentioned last time he would know when there's something wrong pretty quickly!!

-sigma would probably play a game of cards with you to distract you for a bit tbh (he will hesitantly agree to play uno AJHNMAKBHJS HIM PKAYING UNO WOULD BE SO FUNNY but anyways.)

-may or may not try to lose on purpose in an attempt to make you happier

-seems like a speed typa guy (that card game is so fun its the best one)

-after a bit and once youve calmed down, he'll ask what happened to you

-if you to choose to explain, he would probably gossip about it with you, or tell you its ok and you're doing great <33

-if you choose not to, he totally understands! he'll just keep on playing the card game with you, or yall could go do something else!!

-VERY GOOD COMFORT!!

RANPO

-lets all be honest with ourselves

-he isnt the BEST at comfort

-however, that doesnt necessarily mean that hes BAD at it

-he will take a bit to notice, as he is pretty absorbed in cases, eating snacks, and being a dense genius that cant tell peoples emotions that well!!

-but, you can always ask him to distract you for a bit if your emotions are very big

-hes very good at distracting you

-probably will say "stop staying cooped up inside!! >:(" and just grab you and take you to some bakery to eat sweets with him, to play video games with you!!

-since he gets that youre not in the best mood, hell try his best not to steal your food. keyword: best.

-playing games with ranpo is so fun don't even

-he probably wouldnt be the best at responding well if you ranted to him, would probably say that he's sorry but that's kinda the best he can do

-if you dont wanna talk about it, perfect!! ranpo is internally scared you might lash out at him due to his lack of actual response ಥ‿ಥ

-pretty good at comfort, mostly just turns to yall hanging out tho!!

POE

-im never gonna stop writing for him be prepared to see him in every hcs <33

-at first he wouldnt know what to do

-i mean, hes barely even had any FRIENDS to comfort.....sooooooooooooooo

-his version of comfort is like buying a mansion if you feel sad

-i mean thats somehow the ONLY conclusion

-"you dont feel sad anymore right y/n ( ꈍᴗꈍ)"

-I MEAN YOU CANT FEEL SAD WHEN YOURE SUPER SHOCKED SO IT KIND OF WORKS JUST....NOT THE WAY YOU EXPECTED

NIKOLAI

-THE SILLY.

-HE IS THE PRIME JOKESTER. HE WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

-he just doesnt wanna see you sad, BUT HE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO ACTUALLY COMFORT PEOPLE

-so, he will make you laugh. to distract you from the problem.

-he very well knows that this wont help in the long run, but i mean, what is he gonna do?? learn how to ACTUALLY comfort you?? why would he do that when he can be silly instead????? (same)

-if you didnt laugh at his jokes, well, then he'll shock you out of sadness.

-will literally fucking teleport your whole body some place random. (use his silly ability, idfk what its called 😭)

-like im not fucking joking

-so laugh for your own sake

-OR YOURE GOING TO THE VOID!!!

CHUUYA

-i eat my manga chuuya'os everyday (get it??? because cheerios and chuuya, so if you combine the names you get chuuyios/chuuya'os. laugh.)

-hot take, I THINK HE WOULD BE REALLY GOOD AT COMFORT

-LIKE NO CAP

-he would probably just bluntly ask you what was wrong, and if you don't want to explain, that's alright.

-im not gonna shut up about him taking you on motorcycle rides.

-i never WILL >:(

[spacexseven]

ok im finally here with the spy au stuff. sorry this took me so long i suddenly got Extremely Ill and couldnt really do much but im BACK baby.

im gonna do some more than i originally planned since i made u and the venerable budijojo wait so long so buckle up

AKUTAGAWA - ohhhh akutagawa… poor thing. this is about The Most devastating thing that could possibly happen to him. i could see him not realizing he loves darling in time just by virtue of arrogance, similar to fyodor. he doesnt think he’d ever deign to have something as silly as affection for someone like… you. preposterous. doesnt help that he has dazai’s voice in his ear at every second. but, well, here he is: stuck adoring somebody who hates him, and knowing it’s all his fault. although deep in despair, ever the devotee, he will gracefully take any punishment darling throws at him- granted they stay by his side. you might not think so, what with all the ‘stabbing you a hundred times with his jacket’ business he put you through, but you’re truly the safest by HIS side, you’ll see! no one can protect you as well as he can! you can spit at him, scream at him, hurt him, tell him all the ways you despise him; he’ll accept it all, but he won’t- *can’t* let go of you. he needs to keep you safe, it’s the only way he can make up for his sins.

DAZAI - oh christ. if you thought akutagawa had attachment issues get a load of this guy. i could see him REALLY shooting himself in the dick by also getting a bit of torture in before “killing” you- either cuz you suddenly started being cagey with information and he was approaching his deadline or just cuz he felt like it at the time. dazai is… very jarring. his emotional state is such that he feels this very suddenly and very violently, and his demeanor is very dependent on what he’s feeling. this is all to say that when you and dazai meet again, the version of dazai you knew- the manipulative nihilist who kissed your cheek within the same hour he broke all your fingers with a pair of pliers- is all but gone. he’s been replaced with some sopping wet cat of a man who looks honest-to-god shattered at your rejections. and he really IS like a pet cat who just realized hes in trouble, or maybe more of a stray who learned the hard way that people stop feeding you after you maul them. anything he can think of to get even a SECOND of your affection he’ll do, and i do mean anything. he’ll debase himself, scream, cry, beg, kill, anything he thinks will do the job. just please please please please PLEASE dont run away from him he loves you so much please stay he needs you please….

CHUUYA - i think hes the least likely to make this mistake just cuz he seems pretty self-possessed, but i could also see him getting very swept up in the little competition he made up in his head and not thinking his actions through very well. also DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL he’s gonna be the LAST guy to admit his feelings in this circumstance, just cuz admitting it would be much too painful so his brain just rejects it. i mean, the fella kicked you so hard into the wall it made a crater, he can STILL hear the echoes of your bones crunching in his head every time he closes his eyes, thats HARDLY the actions of a man in love. besides, even if you DID somehow survive that, youd never take him back (not that he wants that lol no way) so it’s not even worth thinking about. theres gonna be a lot of waking up from a drunken stupor only to find himself in your old apartment or surrounded by your possessions in a nest and some extremely pitying glances from kouyou before he lets himself accept what he feels and what he did. any peace he manages to make with this over time will immediately shatter what he hears that youve been spotted wandering around the city. our boy is going off the deep end instantly. 

FYODOR -it doesn’t really come as a shock that fyodor didn’t realize his feelings for you til pretty late in the game, given that he’s a black hole where emotions go to die. UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT i can very easily see fyodor feeling guilt over the whole Trying To Kill His Darling debacle, its just that he doesnt really have any kind of handle on this feeling at all. all he can process is that you’re scared of him/mad at him and this makes him feel this Mysterious Bad Feeling™ that he doesnt know what to do with. it occurs to him that he could very easily just make you compliant with him by fiddling with your brain like he did to ivan, but this makes the Bad Feeling worse. he doesnt want you to be a smiling puppet, he wants YOU, as strange as this desire is to him. all the little things used to do that had gotten on his nerves or perplexed him he now feels this alien yearning for. he feels this full body frost whenever he hears you crying through the door of your (cell) room, the distinct sensation of oncoming sickness. he finds himself very hesitant to put his hands on you, or even enter your line of sight out of fear of disturbing and upsetting you. odd. expect him to creepily watch you sleep a lot after he kidnaps you, enjoying seeing your face at peace for once. 

GOGOL - clown boy has established he feels guilt over things as much as the next guy, so ohhh BOY is he not gonna handle this too good. honestly, i could see his guilt overwhelming him to the point where he refuses to kidnap you or approach you again at all. he had his chance and made his choice, best to let his birdie be free now, yes? of course, he doesnt let you go TOTALLY. he has his eye on you as often as his schedule will allow. definitely dons disguise after disguise as an excuse to get close to you, maybe even makes up a persona that works at a shop you frequent so he gets to talk to you every day. eventually his mind might fray to the point where he cant STAND it anymore and NEEDS to get you back no matter what, especially if he insists on prolonged exposure to you, but hed probably try to avoid upsetting you as much as he can. youll give in eventually, hes going to be the only person youre ever going to be close to again, after all, so theres no need to force anything. he can convince you of his sincerity, hes sure of it.

also bonus i think this concept would also work really well with jouno what do you think. couldnt think of anything for kouyou sorry :/

- 🩹

thank you so much for all your effort behind this :> hope you're feeling better now!! i tried to write fyodor a little differently for you so. what do you think eheh :> the linked words take you to the original spy au posts for those characters! i considered writing for jouno but this post is way too long already for an ask lol

cw: yandere characters (akutagawa, dazai, chuuya, fyodor, nikolai), obsessive behavior, violence, forced relationships, stalking, manipulation, mentions of torture/interrogations, deceit, imprisonment (not proofread)

akutagawa is constantly tormented with his feelings for you. he knows he doesn't have the time to be in love, since he has more important things to do like make dazai recognize him, but he doesn't have a handle on himself. he can't put a lid on the wonderfully complex things he feels for you, and that's why it manifests the way it did. besides, he can't imagine actually tolerating, let alone liking, you, with all your kindness and concern that was long beaten out of him.

you've always been so kind to him, looking out for him, talking to him, treating him like anyone else. but all he could do in response was nod to your questions. akutagawa himself hasn't been shown a lot of affection so his way of showing his feelings is...awkward. he didn't know how to be friendly or be loved, but you didn't seem to care. and then when he finally, finally identified the cause of his palpitating heart and distracted mind, when he finally came to terms with what he felt, everything went wrong. you weren't supposed to find out, and you weren't supposed to get hurt. you weren't supposed to hate him, even if everyone else did.

he had been prepared to face the anger from his coworkers when they found out he fell for the enemy, but he wasn't planning on you finding out the way you did. and the look on your face, the hatred and the betrayal, it broke him. akutagawa, having lost everything already, grovels at your feet. he's desperate for another chance, but he doesn't dare complain, not when you ignore him and scorn him, not when you refuse to even acknowledge him.

he has hope, though, that one day you'd realize he only wanted to keep you safe. he only wants to show you that he's worth keeping around. you saved him before, and he only wanted to repay the favor forever. your organization was down and yokohama was far from safe, but with akutagawa by your side, nobody would dare touch a hair on your head.

dazai well, it's established he hates you from the moment he was assigned the spying mission. of course he hates you and the dates you planned out and the meals you make and the hand holding and the kissing and the...warmth he never gets elsewhere...and...the adoring way you look at him...and....and...

what was he thinking? you were just a target!

dazai has so many dilemmas during this mission because he's conflicted with hating you for being so damn annoying and feeling something because you're head over heels for an asshole like him, but let's say he pushes down the growing good he feels for you, shoves it away and sticks with hating you constantly for the purpose of this scenario. when the gig's up and you find out he was using you to get intel, there's no point in pretending anymore. no point in going along with your affectionate touches and asking about your day.

dazai has to rely on his usual, faithful method of getting intel—interrogation. he pretends like he doesn't care about hurting your feelings, pretends like it's just another job and it doesn't affect him if you're scared or crying. he doesn't care what you think of him now, of course not.

but right after it's all done, he's drowning in regret. he can't even remember what you told him, he just wants to take it all back. he scared you terribly, he knows he probably traumatized you and he can't undo it anymore. he tries, though, of course he does. at one point you were hopelessly infatuated with him despite how mean he was, so if he was the complete opposite now, you'd definitely look back at him, right? you'll be satisfied seeing him suffer for your sake, right? he'll happily beg for your forgiveness and debase himself if you'd feel even a little satisfied. if there's no way for you to forgive him, then he'll just have to go all out. he'll pull out all the stops and do everything in his power.

(i think dazai would definitely kick into the typical "i'll kill for you" yandere thing around here, hoping that by killing your enemies you'd appreciate him. he can't stand knowing other people were around you, people you had no reason to hate unlike him. what if you liked them instead? you liked dazai despite his shortcomings, so you could also fall for someone else that wasn't him. he couldn't have that)

chuuya (hehehe ive been waiting for this) feels the most guilt out of everyone in this list. i find it hard to imagine him actually hurting darling even if it's for the pm, like you said, he has the most self-control. in the original post of spy au! chuuya, he's completely obsessed with you and ends up scaring you off since you realize something's off, which leads to him finding your new place and what not. so i'll use the premise of him feeling guilty for scaring you and you kinda hating him for being a creep :>

he can't bring himself to hurt you, so knowing he's frightened you, knowing you hate him for what he believed was showing concern for you because he loved you, it shattered him. he didn't mean for you to think that he had it out for you or that he was going to kill you just because he worked for the enemy organization. he loved you and he only wanted you to be safe. he only wanted to get to know you so you'd love him back.

he allows himself to suffer, drinking a dangerous amount almost every night, staying in the apartment you used to instead of his own, looking at all the things he bought you and imagining you using them. it's pathetic to see how he's turned into a helpless, lovesick fool that can't even get you to look twice at him anymore. he tries to throw away the feelings he had, he avoids any mention of you and drowns himself in work and alcohol, but it's only a matter of time before the two of you cross paths again and he's unable to hold back from breaking down and begging you to take him back.

since i don't have a planned out story for fyodor in this spy au i'll make it up as i go. probably some info stealing for the doa, he can't exactly ask anyone else to go. bram is...in an awkward state, kamui is far too much of a public figure, sigma is too busy with the casino, and nikolai...there's no guarantee he won't just kill you, and fyodor can't have that, not after all his efforts to track you down and choose you for his mission. you should be honored, really, that he's giving you such an important role in his plans. maybe he could even convince you to join his side and completely sell out your organization.

everyone knows fyodor would be successful in his mission, and they know he'd get you wrapped around his finger very quickly. of course you don't think there's a single suspicious thing about this strange man who suddenly walked through the doors of your life and is somehow always around you and wow he's so nice and wow, isn't this moving too fast? but fyodor has that way of reassuring you with a smile and gentle strokes that there was nothing to worry about, and who were you to question him then?

you try to make him happy. he's always a bit emotionless, always a neutral expression on his face so you can't really tell if he's upset or happy when you greet him with a kiss. or is that surprise on his face? you don't know if he likes you holding his hand or if he wants to hear about your day, but one reassuring squeeze of the hand and an acknowledging hum sends you happily continuing your earlier actions. fyodor is a little surprised by your efforts to make him feel included. he's used to silence except for nikolai's random interruptions, but having you constantly by his side isn't the worst. compared to the miserable people in the world, you weren't nearly as unbearable for him.

fyodor is mostly surprised by how disappointed you look when it all blows over, and his identity is revealed. you're not disappointed at him, but at yourself for falling for a lie, and causing your coworkers deaths. he was too good to be true, you think, and you blame yourself for falling for his tricks. trust one charming stranger, and look where that got you? in some obscure prison cell and subjected to cruel questioning.

it's not very satisfying seeing you cry and rub at your red eyes. it's far from nice when you're ignoring him and boiling with resentment. and well, he shouldn't care. you had one purpose in his plan and it was now fulfilled. you should be happy you had a chance to help out in the making of fyodor's goals, but here you were sobbing so uncontrollably. he's a little uncomfortable seeing you look so devastated, and he's uneasy now that you don't tell him anything anymore. it's unfamiliarity that haunts him because you've changed, and not for the better. if he sees you opening up around sigma, who was the most ordinary person in the building, he's a little troubled by it, but you glaring at him with burning hatred is even worse than seeing you talk to someone else, so he just leaves the room.

despite the unhelpful suggestions he gets from the rest, he doesn't want you to lose your mind like ivan, even if the latter claims he isn't unhappy anymore. watching you when you sleep1!! yes, the only time he feels he can be around you now, when you're unaware of his presence. he doesn't like it, doesn't like having to walk on eggshells and hide from you like he was in the wrong. which he shouldn't be. he was only saving you from that hellhole and that shitty organization that never stood a chance against him. if he left you back there, you'd be dead. shouldn't you be grateful?

considering nikolai is like, the master of disguises, this mission should have been a piece of cake. get intel, and then he can do whatever he wants to you and your friends. this was a fun break for him! he was asked to join the company you worked for (a front for the organization) as a new hire and gather all the intel he could, but he didn't think he'd get attacked to anyone on the job.

you were surprisingly excited to guide him around the office, taking the senior role with pride. nikolai doesn't let it slip that he doesn't care about what you do or where the break room is, so he happily follows you around and shares your enthusiasm. you're all friendly and helpful to him, and he doesn't mind at all but it was a little annoying when he was trying to bug a meeting room and you just came around the corner, insisting he check out the new coffee machine. well, despite how irritating it got, he couldn't bring himself to dislike you for it.

and really, he can't help but tease you a little, watching the startled expression when he stares at you a little too coldly for a little too long, or lets it casually slip that he knew about the organization, though he's a little surprised by how quickly you bounce back to your usual carefree manner. oh, but the fun hadn't started yet! he was mostly looking forward, to the after. he couldn't wait to see your expression when you realize you've been cheated all along, and how you were going to die by his hands—

—but when the day came, it wasn't even a little satisfying to see you crumble. he didn't expect to be consumed entirely with guilt when he sees you tear up, hurt in your eyes. something inside him aches; he knows he's not invulnerable to feeling like this, but this intensity of emotion was new. he can't bear to look at you, facing the horror etched into your face at the sight of him, so he just disappears into his coat, leaving you somewhere far away from the devastation.

despite how much he yearns to be free he can't let you experience the same, unable to stop thinking about you. he checks in on you from time to time, hoping you'd try seeking him out. after all, he was the only other person who knew what happened, and you couldn't rely on anyone like you could on him. he knew you better than anyone else, all your secrets and your thoughts, and you'd need him by your side.

he'll definitely give into his urges and kidnap you eventually. he can't bear to be away from you, not after he knows you're probably feeling lonely, not knowing anyone else who could understand you. well, you probably didn't want to see the man who ruined your life, but it wasn't like you had many options. he's sorry that he hurt you, really! nikolai promises to be good, to go back to being the guy you befriended, but only if you promise to stay by his side.

[lokilysolbitch]

okay you know how like Loki has dad vibes and brings out youth in ppl and you feel like you can be a kid around him yeah that but also in regards to being a whiny child. you can do that with Loki. you can be loud an unreasonable. it’s really nice especially if you intellectualize your emotions and/or were punished for having emotions as a child

even if it’s about something he’s telling you to do you can still throw a tantrum first. you can make your tantrum the offering. you don’t always need to take hard truths like a trooper

ex:

Loki: you weren’t the one who abused you but you are responsible for your own healing

Me: mhm,,thats,, i mean that’s really unfortunate but that’s true

Me: :////////

Me: I appreciate you saying that like it’s not realistic to wait for my abusers to help me or change anything

Me: okay i love you very much and im going to be honest and tell you what im thinking and its not personal or to be mean okay

me: but

me: it’s not fair though. it’s not fucking fair how come i have to fix everything when it wasn’t my fault !! I shouldn’t have to !!! it’s not fair its not fair its not fair !!!!!!! this is stupid and i hate it and i wanna go home !!!!! it’s not fair and i wanna go home !!!!! they should fix everything not me!!! I don’t want to !!! i dont want to !!!!!!! I don’t want to !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Loki: i know and im sorry

me: im not gonna fix myself im want to give up

Loki: ive got you im here

me:

me:

me:

Loki: you feel better?

me: mhm

Loki: im still here

me:

me: okay ill keep working on myself

Loki: yeah?

me: im gonna frown about it the whole time

Loki: that’s fine

me: :((((((((((((((((((

this applies to everything just be sad and angry and scared and stomp and whine and throw (preferably soft) things around with Loki. even gods throw tantrums. it’s okay. you just have to pick up after yourself afterwards

[youredreamingofroo]

Goodbye? I don't think so. I hope not. A very, very long rant about storage (🙄), simblr and whatever the fuck else I go on about for a few paragraphs. Skip to the end at the gold text for a more.... "definitive" answer. Especially if you want to skip the nitty gritty and sappy wappy.

i dont know what to do anymore, I freed up 18 GBs of space it all managed to go down the drain in literally an hour, Im moving my blender things to my external HDD, because that alone is 20 GBs (because of Scene sizes), I just hate to free up the space because I dont want it to go right back down. This all sucks cuz I really really enjoy being on Simblr, but sims 4 just continues to be a nuisance, whether its actual problems or its storage problems, it just always finds a way, every year, to get me to suddenly decide that im retiring until my next bout of Sims 4 hyperfixation. I love all of you guys and I love seeing how you all enjoy my work, and what I do, and I love seeing your stuff, you all make such amazing creations, granted if I stopped playing TS4, it wouldnt mean I have to stop interacting on simblr, it just wouldnt be the same. A pattern I notice anytime I start a social media platform, is that something always finds its way into completely demotivating me from posting, whether it's just literal lack of motivation, depression, realizing a project is too vast for me, storage problems, it's always something and it's always when I finally get comfortable or happy on a platform, especially after making friends, not that im saying my friends are one of the reasons I leave, thats far from it. I REALLY dont wanna take a break from Sims 4, I really really genuinely wanna start posting my story (W.A.S), but I'm not like a Sims 4 youtuber, I can't remain dedicated to one game, I play other games, I wanna play the Witcher games (or at least try to play them, I kinda suck rn), I wanna finish Detroit become human, I want to 100% Beyond two souls (and DBH), I wanna finish Disco elysium (started and never fucking finished 💀), I want to play Baldur's Gate 3, I mean, I purchased it at full price and I can't even play the game??... 😮‍💨 You get the point. At this point I wouldn't consider this a "goodbye," note, not... necessarily? I just get so frustrated having no storage, not to mention the fact that I need storage to literally do the stuff I do, like make edits, make poses, make renders, so the fact that I can't even do that, is just like... what's the point of even having Sims 4 anymore at that point? But I don't wanna leave simblr, I don't want to stop creating. It's funny, as I write this, I continue to give myself more and more of a reason to leave, the only real thing that's stopping me is just the fact that there's so many nice people here, I know that if I stopped playing the sims 4, I'd probably move onto another game (BG3................,,,,,..) and leave tumblr, or, at least leave Simblr. Which as I (think) said before, that's sad, I'd be sad, I'd miss people like Lori (groovetrys) and Lauren (miralure), June (circusjuney), Jade (gamyrmaiden), Anna (holocene-sims), butter (buttertrait), Fae (acuar-io), Verco (vercosims) and god, so many others, and sorry to break the atmosphere suddenly, but as I'm writing this, I'm listening to "In another life," from Everything everywhere all at once and it's making this very emotional for me, so if it gets sappy I apologize.

And I guess to be... insanely honest, as much as I want to release my story (trust me, I REALLY want to), I'm slowly beginning to realize more and more how not-easy it's gonna be to make scenes, writing it is fine for me, its just setting up the scenes feels like i'm forbidden to a life of staring at a bunch of words (pose names) trying to figure out what's what, where is what, what to do, where is where, who is who, who is what, how is what, how and why, need I continue. Storytelling is so insanely important to me, I believe that despite how little I read and despite how terrible of a student I have been, and despite how poor my literature skills are, that storytelling is still so important, fuck it, poetry has been such an inspiration for me, but I don't fucking know how to write poetry?? I can barely understand poetry at times, but it's still all so beautiful to me, the concept and the fact that people use metaphors so meticulously to create an allegory for something beautiful, or traumatic or sad, like in not so berry, the concept of an ocean being alexanders "love," and cataleya drowning in it, and her realizing she's drowning in his "love," but when she wants to leave, she really wonders if she actually wants to leave, to conceptualize and create this awful relationship in the means of an ocean is so... well, not beautiful in a reality sense, but in a technical/literary sense, it's beautiful, it's expression, and THATS what im passionate about. Remember what I said about getting sappy? Yea, sorry about that. After a while, I wonder what good repeating myself does, I've said about 5 or 6 times that I don't want to leave, yet here I am, with the mouse over the uninstall button like an idiot about to press the big "DON'T TOUCH" button, perhaps it's the idea that after repeating myself over and over again, that maybe I'll make up my mind, do I do a coin flip? I never listen anyways, I always continue to flip until it lands on what I like. So... why am I still writing? To be honest, I should've stopped by now, but you can only stop a dam so much before it all comes out. I do this with my friends, when I'm sad, I pour my heart out until it's a repetitive and overcooked version of "I'm sad." I write paragraph after paragraph and I literally could've just said "I don't have storage. Considering leaving simblr," and the same message would've gotten across, and I apologize, if you're still reading this, for making such a lengthy post, but I couldn't quite help spilling a bit of water everywhere, although I guess now my little puddle of water has become a flood. I use metaphors a lot, I apologize... again.

So what does all this bullshit that I typed out mean?

I don't know. I wonder the same myself, I'm fighting a battle more fierce than the one I had with my period last week, "Do I uninstall Sims 4 so I can have more freedom, and enjoy more content? or do I continue this rigorous battle of needing storage for the sake of a tumblr page, my enjoyment for writing and other shit I do in the sims 4?" I cannot say I will take a hiatus, because I will procrastinate, and I will forget completely about posting, and tumblr in general. I do still, at the very least, want to release my Official Teaser for my story, whether it be my last post or not, and at the very least, I want to introduce you to the characters, whether it be my last post(s) or not. Not to mention the fact that I want to continue sharing about Roo even if it's not about sims 4 anymore, I mean hell, I haven't even finished off the Leo and Roo part of his timeline.

For an INCREDIBLY watered down answer on whether or not this is goodbye, I say to you, not in this moment, not definitive enough for you yeah? Well, that's the thing, I don't have a definitive answer, you could fucking tear apart this entire college essay mat-pat style, and still not have a definitive fucking answer, and that's because I don't, sorry to all the people who don't want to listen to me rant or who want a clear answer, but I just don't have one. I've been known to make impulsive and on the whim (when I'm really emotional) decisions, and this is a situation where I don't want to do that, because I care about what I have here with ya'll.

If this ends up being one of my last posts, I bid you all adieu, I love you all, and I thank you so so so much for the laughs, and for the mutual connection we may or may not have had, I do not know if I'll make any actual posts for the next few days as I consider my decision, I will float around of course and continue reblogging this and that, and commenting and liking, etc etc. There's also a chance I may wake up tomorrow and look at this and think I was just being overly emotional about this stuff, and that now I look like an idiot, which is the case 9 times out of 10.