#especially as a young trans person trying to figure shit out

[the-trans-advice-blog]

Please please please think of trans people of color when you’re going to make a generalized statement. When you’re making posts about passing tips, medical treatments for transitioning, even light hearted stereotypes include people of color in your sentiments.

As a black trans person it is so fucking isolating to see stuff I’m supposed to relate to only to find that they weren’t talking about me or people like me.

[libraford]

gods as someone that was raised in several churches (mom minister so I got all the shitty behind the scenes drama starting at like 4yo and never really believed beyond general agnostic-ish feelings. which apparently is a super common trend for pastor/minister kids to nope tf out of the church asap) the 'forcing you to be The Right Christian™ Or You Don't Deserve™™ Charity' thing hits hard. especially when I psych myself out of asking for help because I'm constantly remembering how openly hostile some of those places are to even poor christian people using their services.

like one particular church (the "open and affirming" one that threw the only trans woman out of the 20 person congregation because the old white guy treasurer learned she was trans after like 8 years and suddenly didn't want to look at her, or "worse", hear her sing) had a monthly meal for the (very poor neighborhood) community. they'd make everyone pray to God for 20 minutes before letting anyone touch even a slice of bread, but lock them out of the sanctuary during church hours because they were, I wish I was joking and that this wasn't a direct quote, "dirty homeless looters". you had to pray correctly to get food but don't you dare sully the churches doorstep trying to attend worship. meanwhile the church people organizing it are going off about how dare these people be standing in line for food instead of attending church as Real Good Christians Should.

🙃

That's fucking frightening and unfortunately I have my own similar stories.

Tw for racism, homophobia, anti-Muslim, and just... really bad stereotypes.

One of the reasons I started walking away from the church (there's a couple reasons) was at our summer mission trip (yes, I know.) In previous years, we had kept local: deep cleaning the homeless shelter, renovating the local Latino advocacy building, soup kitchen stuff. But one of the (more wealthy) girls in our group wanted to try doing a mission abroad.

Best we could do is Toronto.

We signed up with a shelter there and they gave us some tasks. The shelter REALLY played up how bad it was in this part of town- the gang violence, the culture of sin, the regressive way the men treat women in their home country.

So like... I'm from America. I've been to Chicago. Not to compare but like... hmm..

So during the introduction to how terrible it is in Toronto (...?) Our ambassador takes us through parts of town to show us what it's like to be homeless there. It was a very somber thing. We were given a small amount of money and we were to pretend it was all we had. Try to survive on a few coins.

We take our tour. Remember that this is supposed to scare us.

She takes us to an area where we hear drums. We hide behind a building. "You hear those drums? This is a homeless village. Young people come here seeking community, but you will be turned away if you cannot provide a service for them. They will only use your body for so long."

So... I'd been to drum circles before. And this was very much a drum circle. Like sure these people were a little crunchy, but it was pretty clear to me that these guys were just cutting loose after the day of work.

She takes us to the red light district.

"This is the red light district," she says. "This is where all the homosexuals come. You see that there are many young people here who are attracted to the high life. But you will see: the older men will always come looking for the younger one's to manipulate and that's how many homeless people become prostitutes."

I, a half-in-half-out of the closet lesbian, for the first time in my life, saw two happy gay men arm in arm and it was moving for me. I saw people having a good time. I'd already figured out she was full of shit. Now I was mad.

So we get back to the church we're staying at and I'm already having second thoughts about this visit to Canada. She tells us that our mission this week is to tutor some Somali kids in English and math.

... I feel... oncoming dread.

They didn't give us a lesson,plan or anything. Were supposed to just help them learn where they're stuck in their lessons. And then on Friday we'll have a trip to the museum of science and industry.

I was the only one in our group that had ever encountered a Muslim to know that Friday was their holy day. And that was when I realized that it was a conversion tactic. I asked her about it like... 'is Friday really a good time to do that?' And she was like 'well, it's the last day you'll be here and we want to celebrate don't we?'

And I was livid, but I was in a different country with a bunch of people who believed this woman's lies. And I didn't say anything to my friends because I was already kind of an outcast there, no one was going to believe me.

So I held my tongue, but from then on I lost a lot of respect for Christian-run charities and even now I'll always be looking for their angle.

[rainbowgaez]

i saw a comic or something about this the other day but i can't find it now. it was about learning to do makeup and one of the things it goes over is trying to follow a tutorial only for the person following the tutorial to be frustrated when their final product didn't look as good as the final result in the tutorial, and it got me thinking about my own journey with learning makeup and how ive managed to mostly steer clear of that frustration.

learning how to do makeup well is definitely intimidating and a lot harder than it may initially seem (especially if you're like me, a trans woman who didn't approach it until she was 30). in the beginning, it feels kind of humiliating. pretty much no matter what, your first few times are going to end in you looking like you let a toddler do your makeup. that's okay, though. that's completely normal, and you should try to be comfortable with that going into it. and that's part of why i think when you're first learning makeup, you should avoid tutorials for anything outside of the very basics, and try to focus on finding out what you want out of doing makeup instead.

the reason people manage to make things look so good in tutorials is because they're showing you how to do something they've probably done a million times in a row. even if you're given the exact methodology, the same tools and materials, you're probably not going to get it right the first time (and if you do, you won't the second time). and that's really irritating! because you follow everything they do to the best of your ability, and when you compare your results to theirs, it just doesn't match up even though it feels like it should. but i think that end result comparison is what generates a lot of frustration.

i very specifically used the phrasing "looking like you let a toddler do your makeup" earlier because, well, what is a toddler but a very young, inexperienced person? of course it's going to look like that when you're starting out. being an adult may allow you to understand things easier than a child would, but your ability to execute is always going to be hampered by lack of experience, and the only way to get your hands to do it right is by going through the motions enough times until you feel confident—the amount of times being something that will vary from person to person.

the other reason i think avoiding tutorials in the beginning is important is personal angle. what you want out of doing makeup and what someone giving tutorials might have wanted aren't always going to align. i feel like a good majority of people approach makeup like they have to be good at it (as nebulous as that concept is), and while that's a perfectly valid way to go about it if it works for you, i think that can end up making the whole thing feel way more rigid than it actually is.

something that's really common with tutorials for any kind of art form (and that irritates me to no end) is how much people will focus on "DON'T DO THIS THING BECAUSE ITS WRONG," and the reason it annoys me is because, on more than one occasion, The Wrong Thing i've been told to avoid is instilled in my brain as The Law ends up working really well for me actually. this is something i have experienced a LOT as a musician.

so when i started learning makeup, i approached it like i would any other art form—an open landscape of self-expression i can cultivate through uninhibited exploration. instead of following the dots on someone else's map, i charted my own path.

to put it in a less pretentious way: i saw an excuse to figure out how to do cool shit by drawing on my face. specifically, i got really into eye makeup because i could get really colorful and creative with it. if my username doesn't make it obvious enough, i love bright, saturated colors of all kinds, and drawing them on my eyes is a really great way to express that in a way that's inherently unique to me. eventually i learned how to do other stuff, too, but this method of exploring on my own allowed me to pick and choose the things i like to do the most, which made the experience a lot more fun and rewarding.

once i started focusing on that, i felt more comfortable with messing it up. mistakes looked less like fuck ups and more like opportunities to figure out how to make something weird Work. it got easier to justify putting on makeup regardless of whether or not im leaving the house that day (and most of the time i don't end up leaving when i do it lol), and easier to keep it on even when it didn't pan out the way i imagined it. i just approached it like i was drawing a daily picture. and i certainly ended up looking ridiculous on quite a few occasions—ill never forget asking one of my roommates how i look the first time i ever did makeup and her pausing for several seconds before saying "...it's a start."—but because i was doing it for the fun of it, that didn't bother me.

i was lucky enough to have my older sister show me how to do basic things a couple times in the beginning—stuff like what are the basic materials/tools you need, and what's the most efficient order to apply things—but something she always emphasized was that there's no wrong way to do it, and that i should always experiment if i feel inclined. because everyone has different tools, everyone has different materials, and even though a lot of the tools/materials her and i use are the same, there's two fundamental differences: we both have a different canvas, and we both have different ideas of what we want. and so does everyone else.

you might not learn as efficiently as someone else—it might take you months to figure out something that took someone else only a few days to nail—but efficiency shouldn't be your goal. besides, that's going to happen regardless of how you learn it. do it because you want to. or don't do it at all! do what you want lol.

[autistic-katara]

cw transphobia/cw suicide/rant

disrespectfully, if ur the typa parent who treats ur kid coming out as trans as “ur little girl/boy dying” or u “being in mourning” and especially if u talk abt that infront of/to ur trans kid fuck you.

“let them have emotions” no, fuck that. u can have feelings like that or whatever, i’m not trying to police ur thoughts but 1. acknowledge that u need to work on those feelings for the sake of ur kid and 2. keep those feelings to ur fucking self.

and if u absolutely HAVE to talk abt them, do it privately, when ur kid’s not around, when no other trans kid who might be in a similar situation could hear. if someone asks u if u feel like that when ur kid’s sitting right fucking next to u just lie, or at the very least tell them uve been working on it (which u better have been.)

because it makes it seem like u think ur kid’s transition is abt urself (which i sometimes wonder if u mfs do think that), and it makes ur kid feel like they cant explore their own feelings abt them feeling like they killed the little girl/boy they used to be, even if its not related to gender or being trans at all, heck, maybe ur trans son feels weird abt thinking he “killed the boy he used to be” bcz of smthn else like depression or smthn and he feels weird abt thinking that bcz u talked abt how u feel in mourning for his past self and it made him feel super icky (or vice verca w/ ur trans daughter or enby kid).

parts of this go for other insensitive shit u could say to ur kid during their transition (“i’m worried it could be a trend” “hormones/blockers r just so dangerous”, comparing medically transitioning to girls developing anorexia due to diet culture, etc.)

i’m sorry, i know i should probably be sympathetic to parents going through a kinda (and partially rightfully) scary change but if ur saying or doing shit that negatively affects ur kid, even if u didnt mean it that way fuck u, idgaf abt how u feel abt it, how u feel like u lost a child, how u hate ALL surgeries (but especially an unnecessary one), how after a few hours of facebook research ur worried it could be a trend, how ur worried that using their name/pronouns might confuse their younger siblings (who would probably easily understand a simple explanation with the option to ask questions after if explained right), i do not give one single fuck abt ur self-centred, uneducated worries.

you might have good intentions or whatever but this shit is gonna kill your child, i’m sorry. and if it doesnt kill them its gonna make them hate u, both now and when theyre actually able to medically transition and live on their own.

and honestly, even if they do figure out “oh hey, i’m actually just cis but with a kinda complicated relationship to gender” i promise u they arent gonna thank u profusely for bringing up the worry that theyre not actually trans or making their transition so much harder and slower, theyre gonna hate u for making them scared to question their gender anymore incase u turn out to be right and u think u did the right thing which would both feel shitty for them personally for obvious reasons but might also hurt their trans siblings or the trans kids whos parents might be in the same facebook group or whatever.

and theyre very much gonna hate u for overlooking their feelings, doing stuff they know u know makes them actively suicidal, and not caring enough to look at actual resources for parents trying to support their trans kids better, preferably written by a trans person themself, and instead go to, again, ur mommy facebook group where ur bsf posts terfy memes and abt how “she doesnt want her teenage daughters in the same bathroom as perverted men!” (both “daughters” also being trans boys who coincidentally are both insanely suicidal, cope in unhealthy methods, and talk shit abt their parents the moment the topic of them comes up) and where they fear-monger abt how ur young impressionable girls (and probably boys too) are being taken advantage of by the evil transgenderism movement and how its a social trend for them to mutilate their bodies, “just like how girls would starve themselves to fit in when we were teens!”, and thats in the rare chance that they DO detransition.

anyways idrk what else to say other than support ur fuckin trans kids as much as u can, do actual research to support them, or dont be shocked when ur child tries to kill themself and/or doesnt speak to u anymore when their older, and when that happens i hope the pain u feel is as bad as half the pain we feel from having to deal with ur self centred transphobic bullshit that makes it feel like our parents dont love us and just see us as dolls and see our struggles w/ dysphoria as small irritation that surgery and hormones would be unnecessary to fix, and if u make ur kid feel like that i cannot stress this enough: Fuck. You. because you are the reason the child ur supposed to love, care for, and protect feels like this and wants to kill themself. just fuck you.

[lockedtombbrainworms]

Examples of tgirl swag in The Locked Tomb so far

Pyrrha Dve. Obviously has it now she's actually been hit by the necromantic transgenderification ray, but had it before despite actually being cis. It's why Augustine was so horny for her.

Ianthe Tridentarius. Sorry folks, but I'm right. You know what I'm talking about. Wet Rat Girls With Powerful Autism, Unite. Tried to cut her own arm off because it didn't work right and nobody else was helping her. That's just like DIY HRT, except more likely to stain the carpet. Wears filmy rainbow stuff.

Camilla Hect. Described as having a surprisingly deep voice. Loads of weapons. Autistic as fuck. Knows deep down why the Warden is the one "cis guy" who seems to get her, but isn't pushing on that because people have to figure things out in their own time. Doesn't dress especially girly but never gets misgendered because she's just Like That.

Coronabeth Tridentarius. As discussed in a previous post, is an example of the rarely-seen Lesbian Faggot, a group commonly known to possess tgirl swag. Clockycore aesthetic makes Ianthe cringe a tiny bit inside.

Anastasia. Goth scientist girl. Enough said.

Examples of tboy swag in The Locked Tomb so far:

Matthias Nonius. Actual trans icon. Short king. Fought Gideon the First in a battle I can only assume was charged with sexual tension the whole time (while Pyrrha watched from G1d's subconscious smoking a mind-cigarette). Had Ortus the Ninth acting unwise.

Samael Novenary. Just something about that name screams it. Also he fought with a chain. Goth tboy legend. Wore platform boots to make him taller than Anastasia because it gave both of them gender euphoria.

Naberius Tern. I know, he's a piece of shit, but he's a fancy piece of shit with a pompadour and flashy outfits who can embroider as well as he can swordfight. Comparatively rare example of a cis boy with tboy swag.

Teacher. This old motherfucker must've done something to get tasked with looking after a bunch of dysfunctional baby queers. His whole vibe is "I transitioned when your parents were knee high, there is no drama you young folks can get into that will shock me". Cassiopeia the First looked at possible bodies for the 100+ souls she was trying to find a single home for and went "no, we need the MOST tranpa dude imaginable".

Honourable mention: Palamedes Sextus. Pal is something even rarer than a cis boy with tboy swag. Our buddy Sex Pal is a closeted trans woman who trans dudes interpret as having tboy swag because there's something about them that says "this person is shaped like a friend".

[demonicintegrity]

Okay I’m going to see Barbie today so I should probably have my misc thoughts on Across the Spiderverse down. (Spoilers incoming) Speaking of:

#1) tiktok spoilers my beloathed. They also don’t do the movie justice (I’ll get back to that)

#2) artistic styles my beloved.

The love and care to the craft of the story is so evident from the start. Gwen’s retelling of Mike’s story is in her universe’s watercolor style. And oh my god it’s so beautiful. I’m such a sucker for pretty watercolors and Gwen’s universe SPEAKS to my soul. Beautiful. Mwuah.

Speaking of Gwen, the analogy of her being trans and coming out is definitely there. While her being trans may not be a problem for her father, her struggle with a secret superhero identity absolutely is a parallel to being a trans kid. Her best friend knowing included. Her running away from home especially.

And it’s beautifully portrayed. And her father’s arc developing at the end, where he says he’s no longer a policeman if it’s gonna be that at odd with her being a hero because he loves her more than that, is the kinda sentiment I and every other trans kid with unsupportive parents wish they had. It’s about growth, it’s about the person being the priority not a stubborn hold to flawed ideology.

#3 Miles my boy, his story is definitely that of loneliness. Which arguably is queer-coded in of itself. He finally finds his people and now they’re separated and he misses that. Especially since the separation is inherently tied to the safety of everyone, sometimes it’s really hard to connect with other queer folk because of that. But i don’t think that’s the intended focus, it’s more of a coming of age thing.

Also holy shit he is YOUNG. He is fifteen!! I was a freshman in highschool when I turned fifteen! No wonder he’s so pissed when everyone is telling him what to do and how to do, that is like the quintessential age of being treated like both an adult and child and it’s infuriating. But it’s the perfect age for this kinda story. Because the very valid attempts of trying to find a happy middle are there, two cakes and all. But it also means it’s still the first few attempts, hence the fate of the two cakes. The technique is still being refined and he’s still figuring out his priorities.

Do what he’s good at (science) and push for something he really wants (his friends back) or something else entirely?

People have pointed out he’s incredibly artistic. And it’s good! Now that doesn’t always means it translates into a career well. From firsthand experience I can tell you art as an outlet isn’t the same as art as a career. It’s kinda kicking my butt with the difference. But that doesn’t mean it’s a very real option! And something he can pursue with science as well.

Adjacent to three: the age discourse. Now I heard plenty on it but I was withholding my judgement until I saw the movie itself. That being said, when I first saw spoilers Hobie read like an adult and after watching the movie he is definitely is in my mind.

The three other spiders (Gwen, Miles, Pravitar) all have a focus of actively being in school in their intros. A highlight that they are still teens dealing with teen issues and mentalities. Hobie doesn’t. Hobie’s intro doesn’t mention school. Hobie’s intro talks a lot about politics and ideologies and he carries himself like an experienced adult. (Obvs teens are into politics and all that, i did that as a teen too, but school often comes before that, just as their own intros mentioned.) He speaks with wisdom and experience and takes the others under his wing. He’s also not deferring to Miguel. And he pushes back in a much different way then Gwen and Miles do. For them, even if they don’t agree Miguel is still an adult and that age authority needs to be respected. For Hobie, it doesn’t seem to be a concern. (Yes yes he’s a punk, but respecting your elders is still prevalent in punk and queer cultures as well.)

“But Integrity the love triangle!” There is no love triangle. Gwen is not interested in Hobie, she’s expressly interested in Miles. Looks up to Hobie sure, but she’s clearly more attached to Miles. Hobie also explicitly states he just wants to look out for her. (Re: queer adults taking in queer runaways)

“But Integrity the toothbrush and jumper! And Pravitar going oooohh!!” First of all, Gwen is functionally homeless. She ran away and has been a runaway for literal months. Her stuff is obviously gonna be a mismanaged. And again, going with the fact that her story is a trans allegory, she’s going to stay with adults that take her in. First Miguel and Jessica, and then Hobie. Reading Hobie as a queer adult taking in a queer runaway child and looking after her makes the most sense to me. She also had an expressed interest in Miles that is very long running.

As for Pravitar? I think he’s just pot stirring. He’s (I think) the youngest and definitely acts like it. He’s openly treating them as a soap opera, not with an malicious intent of course, but it’s entertaining gossip for him. A fun tense twist is the fact that Miles doesn’t know. (Probably because he didn’t recognize miles as the anomaly. Genuinely was introduced that Miles is Gwen’s friend and so it’s wild he doesn’t know her closest friends.)

Also: there’s a chance this is suppose to parallel Gwen meeting Mile’s parents.

Your crush should know about and have met your family. For Mile’s that means meeting his parents. For Gwen that means her family of spiders. (She’s trans, found family is a huge priority here esp since her father is not currently in the picture.)

Anyways: Hobie reads as an adult. Gwen is not in a love triangle. I’m scared of touching ao3 for this fandom, even with filters it’s Bad.

#4 with circling back to how the tiktok spoilers/general fanon don’t do this justice, Miguel. He’s is not that fucking mean to Miles. He is genuinely sympathetic and does try to explain to Miles multiple times what “needs” to be done. His fatal flaw is that he carries so much guilt for what happened in the universe he infiltrated that he now feels the need to carry the weight of everything to make up for it. He says as much! If he could see it possible to have a good story, he’d love that but its just not possible for him.

Now granted, holy shit he does go fucking bonkers on Miles. We see the shock in Peter B’s expression. I do not think that is the norm for Miguel’s behavior. At least, not witnessed behavior and thus not behavior he wants to be seen/is proud of. Dude seems like he’s holding on by a thread and it was snapping a little bit there. And like, idek if I can fault that entirely cuz a literal child just sent him on the chase of a the century. Dude’s stressed and not coping well. Amazingly sympathetic antagonist for this reason. It’s an idealogical divide, a quite radical one at that.

#5) the music is sooooo fucking good. Again, the love put into this movie is so palpable.

#6) The Spot. I adore his character!!! I adore this arc and his art direction and his everything!! And I don’t currently have the words for it but I do feel his story is a good analogy for how society picks and chooses it’s outliers. Spider-Man is a hero and loved for his mutations provided he’s a hero and even then it’s very conditional and on a whim. The Spot isn’t. He can’t get a job looking like that, and super heroism is filled in New York by Spider-Man and it’s hard to exist let alone move around looking like that.

There is no support for him. And that speaks for any outlier of society. Queer, race, neurodivergent, “ugly”, and what have you. It’s only natural he gets upset. He lashes out at the easiest person to blame, the present Spider-Man. Even though it is not Mile’s fault he was in that room or employed there, or any of that. But he was a catalyst, and it’s easier to have the blame one person than a web of circumstances.

And there’s a kinship in a way. He brought the 42 spider here. He was bitten by it. Whether they like or hate each other that’s a helluva link. Call it dominos or butterfly effect or fate or what have you, there’s a link to both of their circumstances.

Speaking of, #6) 42 Miles!!!! I adore him. It seems in this universe the lack of a Spider-Man has caused crime cartels to run more rampant. Possibly supervillain run, but I can see overtime the general crime running rampant under them.

I wanna know this timeline, how this has happened. What was this descent? I’m so excited for Beyond. And obvs 42 Miles is gonna play a huge part. I think he will aid our Miles, even if at first begrudgingly. He’s a scared kid and he and Aaron see that. I hope and think they will take pity on him.

I’m wondering if 42’s arc will parallel our Mile’s. Trying to sort priorities and manage grief and loneliness while writing your own path. I bet it will.

Speaking of Beyond: I hope it takes years to make. Give those artists a break and pay them and give them a reasonably timetable damn it. I also hope for more Hobie he’s a catalyst here and I want to see lots of him and he needs dedicated time to animate to achieve that.

Okay misc thoughts done I gotta get ready fkdndkdndn

[singerj2002]

Bonnie Profile

So I decided that it would be best to give a little bit of background info on my OC Bonnie so I decided to make a little profile for her in my duskwood fic. I did get some inspiration from @03patrickstar and @lyon-amore for some of the questions and such and I have talked about Bonnie (and developed the Kratos family) with @a-little-theatrical-back-then so I hope you get a real feel for Bonnie and if you have any questions about her or about her dynamic with other characters please ask away!!

The Basics:

Name: Biote “Bonnie” Kratos (Davies) Birthday: October 13th Age: 24 Gender: Technically a girl but also isn't at the same time. Some gender apathy and a connection to feminity that is hard to break. Uses She/Her pronouns and also says Trans Rights. Zodiac: Libra Sun, Sag Moon Ethnicity: Jewish, Greek

Appearance:

Hair: Curly, Dark Golden Blonde that's almost brunette (Her natural hair is a darker brunette) Eyes: Her eyes are a dark blue-green and she has central heterochromia so there is a ring of brown circling her iris. Also she has big eyes. Height: She was born early so her height is about 5’1 Skin: Her skin is olive toned and she has freckles and notable scars on her knees, a scratch on her right cheek, scars and ink marks on her fingers, and a writer's callus on her left hand. Tattoos/Tattoos I Think She Would Want: Medusa tattoo, cat playing the fiddle, Artemis and Apollo with heads melting together, Sextant diagram.

Personality

Vocal Quirks: Talks very fast and sometimes in half sentences when trying to figure something out, Swears a lot especially when emotions are high (she has been the reason her niece and/or nephew’s first word was fuck or shit). She rants and goes on tangents a lot, especially with people she is comfortable with but can be very quiet otherwise. Selectively Mute. 3 Words To Describe Her: Passionate, Curious, Determined What is Something She should fear, but doesn’t?: Death. The idea of dying in itself, she has a view similar to the line from J.M. Barrie “To die will be an awfully big adventure.” She also views it as the one constant in her, many people have died around her and she has seen a lot of death, so it is something she welcomes with curiosity and wonder. However, she would prefer not to die young, but once she is old and was able to live her life and make a difference in the world. But also she would prefer to die by her own choices rather than anyone else's, so if she walked into a situation that she loved and happened to die she would be more ok with that because the death was made by her own hand. She also believes that what makes death harder is the people you left behind because they are the ones who will miss you and be missed. She doesn’t fear death because that is what makes life whole in a sense because it is something no one can avoid. She values life a lot and doesn’t like when people say that young people dying is a life wasted or things of that sense because they still have time in the world and made an impact on others whether good or bad, and that is much better than never living at all (kinda like ride the cyclone).

Strengths:

- She is an optimist and believes that there is good in everyone and that everyone has the capacity to do something good.  - Is known for her kindness and curiosity for everyone she meets, because of this she tries to look at everyone with an open heart and will be as kind as possible. - Incredibly passionate about life itself and views it as this beautiful and amazing creation and wants to learn all she can.  - Insatiably curious and adventurous, she wants to know so much and very little can stop her. The phrase “Insatiably Curious, Insufferably Bright, and pretty much friendless at school” from Peter and The Starcatcher particularly comes to mind.  - Very resourceful and will notice small details that other people might not, which is why she was so helpful in the investigation.  - She is incredibly loyal and would do anything for the people that she cares about, even if they have stopped caring for her. 

Weaknesses: 

- When she feels emotions or finds someone or something to latch onto, she takes that feeling and makes a home in it, she dwells in those feeling until it takes up all her senses - Tends to overlook red flags because of her tendency to try to see the good in most people which has led to situations where she has gotten hurt - Is a bit of a flight risk and has a hard time making long-term connections to people, she has manic pixie dream girl energy and has taken this to heart in a sense and has taken up this role of someone who comes into people's lives as a way to help them and then disappears as soon as she isn't needed anymore, kinda like Mary Poppins - While she is insanely kind and has a great heart, she puts others before herself. She is so generous that it ends up hurting her because she puts all she has into something and gets barely a quarter of that in return. - Very much falls into the category of Toxic Positivity, won’t let other people help her with her pain because she believes that it’s genuinely less important than what other people are feeling

Relationships:

Family Dynamic: I will be getting more into this in the fic but her family situation is right out of a soap opera it’s not even funny (it's actually hilarious) But the basics are that she came from a wealthy family and was the second youngest of 10 siblings (the youngest being her twin brother) and her parents were like Robert California from the office and Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development but since she was an accident she basically had to take up the older sister role and sorta act and the emotional core. However, when she was about 13 there was an event that I will be going more into depth within the story and was adopted by the Davies family and given the nickname Bonnie. There is so much more to unpack with the Kratos and Davies family and I cannot wait to show y'all that hot mess because it's hilarious and brings me so much joy and sadness simultaneously. Relationship Status: Technically Single, she has a habit of pursuing a bunch of flings because she finds the person interesting and wants to learn more about them. She is a little bit of a slut in the most loving way possible.  Sexuality: Queer, she prefers not to label her sexuality because it's a lot to explain to people and it is very complicated and nuanced. The best way to describe it is being somewhere on the aromantic spectrum and pansexual. It’s honestly something that is very difficult to really explain so she uses the term queer most of the time.

Other: 

- Autistic and possible also has ADHD - At first, she can seem like she is the epitome of the “I’m not like other girls” type but in reality, she isn’t like other girls but wants to be so bad because other girls are so cool. - Pink is one of her favorite colors, along with olive green, midnight blue, teal, and others but she can never actually pick a favorite color because all of them are so nice - Is catching her sweater on a doorknob away from having a complete mental breakdown - Cannot whistle - Can technically drive a car but has been warned against it, it is why she drives a motorcycle most of the time - Forensic Anthropologist and currently working on her masters - Theatre Kid in Recovery - Loves the shows Twin Peaks, Penny Dreadful, and Pushing Daisies - Comes off as responsible at first but is honestly pretty chaotic at times

[mariacallous]

So my uncle recently turned to me for advice about his (newly out) trans grandson, while my uncle was somewhat confused and for sure not sure about a lot of things, he was very emotional about wanting to support, and how much he loved him and scared for him.

and I feel like all of this is totally real, but my uncle is also a Republican (and church going true believing Catholic) who knows Ron DeSantis personally. My uncle fed me some line about how 20% of the country on the right and 20% on the left have gone crazy and he's in the middle with the 60%. While liking and voting for DeSantis 😒

any ways, is it worth it to try to talk to him? to tell him a vote for DeSentis again is a vote to make it UNSAFE for his daughter and grandson to come and visit him in his home? that his grandson might be young but he's aware of anti-trans moves in Texas and Florida and they scare and upset him and.... my uncle is a good grandfather, and I don't want years from now for my cousin to feel like "yeah grandpa loved me.... but he voted for and really liked violently transphobic political figures" My favorite uncle was a huge Bush fan in the 2000s, when I was a gay scared 14 year old, his church voted to leave the UCC over it's support for gay marriage, and those things together really ruined my feelings toward him, and I don't want that for my uncle with his grandson.

Honestly, I think it's absolutely worth it to try to talk to him, and point these things out. If he's as genuine as you think and as he says and sounds - and I do think he is - then you have a really good opportunity to help connect the personal and the political.

I mean, you can use his 20% on the right have gone crazy and point out that those are mainly DeSantis supporters, and absolutely point out that DeSantis and his people are working to make a world in which your nephew, and his grandson, are scared and unsafe and threatened, and for many other people besides you two, and that those actions are going to have an impact, whether he agrees with them or not.

Especially because, as you pointed out with your uncle re: Bush and the 2000s, and with so many other examples (in all of our lives, because this is going to be a commonality among LGBTQ people), this shit stays with you and is formative and really hurts.

And this way you're not outright saying "you're a horrible person enabling these more horrible people to commit harms and offenses" or being accusatory, which would have the opposite effect of trying to get him to be more open-minded and supportive and less in favor of DeSantis and that ilk.

[taviokapudding]

To the lil' one who asked me

"how do you know you're pan rather than bi?" "how did you come to terms with being nonbinary?"

So over 10 years ago this jpop boy group called KAT-TUN put me in a chokehold & one of the members {who still is part of the group to this day} named Kamenashi Kazuya did one of the most captivating solo performances; the performance of 1582 at Tokyo Dome in 2009 was basically my canon event. Istg it altered my brain chemistry forever

A post from 2011 breaks down everything if you want to understand the song & how it's presented if Japanese isn't your first language or you have never seen the footage before:

Hopefully this will never be taken down but here's the full clip ( because it's an original rip from 2009 it doesn't have cc or subs):

I was already aware I probably wasn't straight as young as like 6 years old but by 2009, as I was a freshman in highschool, I watched this performance and went "oh". Then I would spend 2010-2013 realizing what the differences between bisexuality and pansexuality and it's safe to say I lean more pan.

As for being nonbinary, it took a long time to come to terms with simply because being a 7 year old girl with facial hair & being forced to conform my whole life has put me under so much trauma & bs offline. Had the pandemic not happened, had I not interacted with medical professionals who asked if I could be intersex {I'm not btw, had to do ultrasounds and shit}, & not been around other adults who like me for me & allow me to bring it up- I think I would still be grappling with it.

But the day I confirmed I wasn't intersex (after spending a few weeks wondering if I really was nonbinary), I spent a whole 8hrs trying to relocate this video because I couldn't remember the song name and concert; then I rewatched it to see if how I felt at 14/15 years old was still the same. "Why would a cis man make me not straight?" "Why when I tell others about this specific performance they don't get it?" "Did I mis-remember that performance?" had been questions that internally chewed away at me until roughly a year ago. I resonated with the story, the low key drag performance, & honestly would still give anything to be Kame-chan in that moment

So in short, figure out what was the show, character, story, song, person, thing, etc. that gave you the epiphany that you're not straight and think about why you resonated with it- especially if you're unsure if you're trans or nonbinary. What shaped you as a child really does subconsciously guide you as an adult.

[discount-komaru]

Alright let’s talk about Tommy Neg for a hot minute

I don’t want to go into the current hellscape that is ‘tommy neg’ trend on twitter to talk about this so I’m going to discuss it here.

This trend is mind boggling, even infuriating. The thing is, it’s mostly people who don’t know the full context of the video.

I’m watching the video as I make this post and I’m going to comment on things in the video and then get into my qualms with the tommy neg thing trending on twitter

1. This may just be my interpretations of Tommy’s facial expressions but HE DOES NOT LOOK COMFORTABLE BEING IN CALL WITH KSI DURING MULTIPLE SECTIONS OF THE VIDEO. And when he insults KSI I don’t hear the friendly tone in his voice or the joking smile that he has when talking to say Wilbur or Techno. He genuinely looks like he doesn’t want to be there, at certain points, especially at the beginning when he’s only in call with KSI. I might be reading too much into things but he looks so uncomfortable.

2. He did slightly call out KSI during the video. Here’s a direct quote from the video for those of you who only watched the five second twitter clip “Every thirty seconds you make a joke that is just not even a joke and is just blatantly offensive.” To me this doesn’t excuse making an entire video with him knowing the controversies surrounding him, but at least he didn’t go the entire video acting like he didn’t know about the controversies

3. This is just my personal opinion about how KSI was acting in the video but honest to god he is acting like a fucking child.

4. THE FUCKING 5 SECOND CLIP PEOPLE ARE USING IS A JOKE. I’M 90% SURE IT’S A FUCKING JOKE.

Now that I’m done with commenting on the video as I watch it I’ll get into my problems with all the tommy neg stuff trending on twitter

First off, I know that trans people are upset and they have the complete right to be upset. I’m not trying to defend KSI, and I dislike him with a passion. I don’t even have a problem with people holding Tommy accountable. The thing is, most people aren’t trying to hold him accountable. There are a few sentiments I see repeating in the posts. “He’s sixteen, but that’s not an excuse, he should know better”, “He’s trying to be the next Jschlatt”, and “He does know that his fans and dream’s fans overlap right?”

Let’s start with “He’s sixteen, but that’s not an excuse, he should know better.” And while I wholeheartedly agree that someone being young shouldn’t absolve them of guilt in any situation, we need to see that he’s sixteen. He’s still a child. And in my opinion, Tommy doesn’t display the mental maturity that many people claim he has. He is also still developing, still learning. We can’t cancel every kid who makes a mistake, especially when they’re shoved into the lime light at such a young age.

Which leads into my next point “He’s trying to be the next Jschlatt!” Okay, I’ll play devil’s advocate and say he does want to act like these people and “become the next Jschlatt”, it’s because he’s seen these people walk off controversies like it’s nothing. Yes, we attempt to deplatform creators who do bad shit, but they still have an army of people who believe what they say is good or view them through rose colored glasses. Tommy may also be seeing people like Schlatt and KSI through rose colored glasses as he is friends with them. And you know what they say, when you look at red flags through rose colored glasses, they just become flags. Now let’s say that he is “becoming the next Jschlatt” but not on purpose. Well then he’s just adopting toxic traits from friends. I can tell you that I’ve developed both positive and negative traits through friendships (ranging from simple changes in the way I speak and type to a fear that they’ll all abandon me for someone better). Is it Tommy’s fault that he’s friends with these people who have toxic traits? In my opinion, not really. When you’re thrust into the spot Tommy’s in at his age, it’s almost impossible to avoid toxic people.

Now, his comment on ‘dream stans’ that people seem  to be focusing on the most is literally five seconds of the video and a joke. People can’t seem to take a joke if a big /j isn’t added after it (Not trying to bash tone indicators, I use and rely on them myself as someone who has a hard time figuring out the connotations of messages sometimes. All I’m trying to say is that not every joke has to be prefaced with or end with someone telling you it’s a joke.) Plus, the dream stans thing isn’t even relevant to the issue at hand.

Do I think Tommy should be held accountable and be educated on why making a video with KSI was wrong? Yes, absolutely. Trans people and sexual assault victims have the right to be mad at Tommy for that video as I said earlier. Do I think what people are doing is ‘holding him accountable and educating him’? No. The dream stans thing is even starting to seem like a straw-man when there’s a real fucking argument to be made.

Hold Tommy accountable for what he does, but don’t hate on him for things that aren’t even relevant to the real problem. The real problem is that he made a video with KSI. If he didn’t know about the controversies, we can tell him about them. If he did know, he may see how upset his fans got over this and attempt to right his wrong.

I truly think Tommy is a good person and will mature and grow from this. We just can’t tear him down with straw-mans of the real problem.

If anyone wants to have a CIVIL discussion about this I would be happy to have one.

[nastyatticman]

like a midnight snack

A family of killers is discovered - blackmailed, and tasked with finding and trapping the man who may or may not be haunting the Heelshire manor after all these years. At first it seems nothing is working, until their son makes an accidental discovery.

Brahms Heelshire X Sidney Jade Leong, an OC. Not sfw.

Warnings- dubious consent. child abuse (mentioned), past/implied sexual assault / exploitation , misgendering/transphobia (mentioned). Canon typical Brahms being a creep. Trans male character with female coded language to refer to his body sometimes.

Of all the places Sidney expected to spend his summer, an old British country house that may or not be hiding a murderous pervert was not one of them.

None of his family expected that, either. That a potential victim would catch them on camera, hauling someone into their basement. Much less that he’d find them, and rather than going to the authorities… he’d dangle that possibility over their heads, and make them do him a favor in exchange for not being reported.

How were any of them supposed to know some overgrown white boy would be piloting a drone all around the woods at night? Or that he’d use the footage to blackmail them rather than try to actually help the person he saw them grab. They, begrudgingly, had to respect that. He had dedication to his cause.

His cause involved a number of properties his family wanted to take over, that were supposedly haunted. He had his sights set on a rural house in the UK, one that had been mostly abandoned since the last servants hired by the family fled, claiming some madman was hiding inside the walls.

Nowadays the family that owned the property still ordered food to be delivered, even if no one answered the doors. They still visited, every once in a while, but the visits were dwindling over time.

The Leongs were to contact the family and ask to stay in the house for a while, part vacation and partially to clean the place up. They were given a handsome sum to convince them to let them stay. It’s not like they needed the money - being old money and all- but they did need people to take care of the place. Everyone they hired to clean refused to come back, claiming something was wrong with the house.

And that’s how Sidney’s family ended up booked for a mandatory two week vacation in the middle of nowhere. Trying to figure out if there really was a crazed man living inside the walls, and if so, could they lure him out?

They tried all sorts of things to get him out… it was like the whole family was performing. They were used to that during their other vacations, taking turns playing bait or offering travelers a “safe” place to stay… but two weeks? It was exhausting.

Talking extra loudly and listening to any sound they heard, just in case. Not to mention all the extra work Sidney and his sister had to put in...

Despite their best efforts… Their first contact was a mistake.

Sidney woke up with a dry mouth. He was too hot under the covers and slowly peeled them back. Checked his phone - it was 3:46.

He got up and crept to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water, careful not to wake anyone. If he made too much noise they may think he’s the shut in they’re hunting, or that he found him, and they’d all be so disappointed when they found nothing but Sidney in his robe and bunny slippers sneaking off for some water.

The bunny slippers and the robe were a compromise. Make him look more casual, a little cutesy. Part of the intel they had received implied that the man in hiding reacted better to young, pretty women and that he loved to spy on them and watch them change. Classy.

So as an extra effort Sidney and his sister were expected to… loosen up a bit. Walk around in a towel more. Wear skimpy pajamas around the house. That kind of thing. Tori didn’t really mind doing that in her own home - in fact, Sidney sometimes complained about her walking into his room in shorts so short he could see her underwear. But it was different knowing a fully grown pervert with a child’s voice could be watching them from within the walls at any moment.

It honestly pissed Sidney off the most. He could hardly stand to be around his parents sometimes, especially when they pulled this shit. After his father’s injury Sidney took over the role of masked killer with relish, loving that he had more power in their dynamic. But that didn’t mean they stopped making harsh demands of him, risking his body for their gain.

He could only hope they wouldn’t do the same to Tori. They were always much softer to her, and he was grateful and resentful about it at the same time. Still… the winter nights he spent freezing when they wanted him to lure travelers. His fingers so cold he couldn’t feel them at all, his nose burning. They’d stopped it, luckily, when an old man offered him a jacket to cover up and then exposed his … true intentions to him.

Sidney didn’t see anything, luckily, but he did see the rage on his mother’s face as she beat the man to a bloody pulp.

After that, they let him wear a jacket.

They wouldn’t make Tori suffer the same way, would they? They didn’t push her as far. But how far would they be willing to go to catch this man? Sidney shivered reflexively, not sure whether it was because of the memory of the cold, or his next intrusive thought about how far they’d make Tori go.

She was a sophomore in college, for fuck’s sake. The guy’s tombstone showed he’d be in his 30s by now. If he was still around. That was the other thing - Sidney was only half sure that the guy was even there in the first place. There were some strange things that happened since they arrived, but it was nothing too major.

Sidney sighed and went to refill his mug in the kitchen. There were some noises… the house settling, probably. You couldn’t turn at every creak in the old country home. He passed the window and stopped, pretending to look for something on the counter.

Was that a reflection of…?

He studied the window, seeing the silhouette of a figure behind him. Wild hair and a baggy sweater. Tall. Maybe six feet. His father, the tallest in his family, was 5’8”.

He waited to see if he’d do something. It looked like the figure did, too. The guesses were right, then, he was 6 feet or so…

If it really was the guy they were looking for. Then again, what, would he have left and another creepy hermit moved in and took his place? Sidney remembered hearing the loose description of where he’d been staying all that time - a fully stocked room inside the walls, with a bed and a basin to wash up in, a ton of weird shit he’d been making, and porno mags stapled to the wall. He was sure it would be in high demand on the horny serial killer real estate market. After all, Sidney was there.

He snorted a laugh, and turned away from the window. Shit, if Sidney could see him then he could see -

A hand clamped down on his mouth before he knew it. He was pulled in closer to the man’s body, warm and smelling of mothballs. That was the first thing he got, other than the sweaty hand over his mouth and his other hand, stroking his hair.

It was weirdly… tender. Like he hadn’t held someone before. Sidney didn’t dare move an inch.

He was clearly a grown adult, judging by his strong grip and his size and everything about him… Was he smelling Sidney’s hair? The fuck?

He weighed his options here, as he felt himself be pushed against the counter. Almost caged in under his body. He could probably throw him off, but he’d have to get to the other end of the house immediately. What was it he did to the other people?

One he killed in the game room, for breaking his doll… Sidney had been nothing but respectful to that doll, he should be spared that fate.

Another he knocked out, and the last one - so young and pretty - he’d tried to pull into the walls with him. Is that what he’d do to Sidney? Maybe, since he’d probably seen Sidney wandering around in shorts and low cut shirts for at least a week now…

His parents found that part very funny when it came to Sidney’s involvement. It was worth a shot, sure, since Sidney was much closer to the guy’s age than Tori was. But they remembered when he’d come home from school and tell them about the boys who would ask him out… only for him to find out the next day it was all a dare from the other kids. Why would anyone, even a freak hiding in his own home, want Sidney?

But it seemed like he did, despite all that. Well, judging by the way that something hard was digging into Sidney’s back as he pinned him to the counter. His breathing getting heavy, his grip on his mouth loosening up a little, his other hand stroking Sidney’s hair. Savoring him like a midnight snack. He leaned in and murmured something soft to Sidney in a voice that was much too high to be coming from someone so large.

He could… he could work with this.

Sidney let out a needy little moan under his hand, and ground himself against him. It made the man completely freeze up. Shit, did I go too far? Sidney wondered. He didn’t need to wonder for long though, once the man realized what that meant. Again, he leaned in and spoke softly to Sidney, but this time he could just make out what he said.

“Good boy,” he said, barely more than a whisper.

Shit. Fuck. Damn it all to hell. This meant he’d been paying attention, but it implied so many things about what he’d seen.

Firstly that he knew Sidney was trans - and respected it? Despite seeing his tits a million times.

Ally of the fucking year, Sidney thought, as the man ground up against him this time, on purpose. He let out a shuddery little sigh above Sidney, leaned in and pressed the lips of his mask against his cheek. Did that part make him gay then? Or queer?

Secondly did he - did he hear the way Sidney’s parents talked to him, about him? Of course he did. He must’ve heard them say something rude, or … Call him a girl, of course. Little girl. Stupid girl. Bad girl.

Again, ally of the fucking year. If only they’d known the best trans ally alive was hiding in an English country house and spying on people this whole time.

He giggled and it made the man freeze up again. Sidney nodded, and nuzzled into his body, letting him continue.

He couldn’t deny that this was kind of… nice. Better than the hugs he’d be forced into by his parents when they were angry at him but wanted him to shut up and stop arguing. That was a low bar, but there were so few people he could get physical affection from that he didn’t at least partially despise.

Sure, he kind of hated that he’d been dressing so uncomfortably for a week in hopes of getting this guy to come out... and try something with him. But it worked, judging from the way he was holding him, so needy.

It was really tempting, honestly. Sidney hadn’t had sex in… a really long time. With a friend of his, who was sort of interested in him and knew he wanted to have some more experience. Her partners wouldn’t mind that they hooked up, she told them about it. Still, Sidney was much more monogamous by nature and so it took him a while to get used to being normal around her again. Even if it was mind blowing trans4trans sex with one of his best friends.

He wondered how Eris was doing right now. It was probably early night in the US, and he hoped she was having dinner with her girlfriends. Her lucky, lucky girlfriends…

It wasn’t that lecherous of him to appreciate how good his friend was at getting him off, was it? Not when she’d demonstrated for him a few times. She was good at it, she had experience and good communication, finding what Sidney liked and keeping at it until he was a horny mess under her. And then he’d pay her back, much less precisely, but she still appreciated it.

The shut-in - he supposed his name was Brahms - had neither of those things but he still intrigued Sidney. Maybe he could figure out something they’d both like.

He tapped the man’s hand, and pulled it off his mouth gently. It took him a second to gather his words again.

“Can I- can you put me on the counter?”

“What?” he asked, just sounding confused.

“I want to sit on the counter,” Sidney explained. “You can still - you know.”

The man - Brahms? - nodded and stepped back, let him climb up and sit down facing towards him. He could only see from the moonlight streaming through the window, but this confirmed it.

This was their guy.

He matched the description perfectly. Unkempt hair, broad shoulders and chest, wearing a mask like the porcelain doll they’d found in the parlor the first day they were there. His eyes were blown wide, watching Sidney beckon him closer, putting a hand on his shoulder and pulling him in.

He shakily pulled Sidney closer to himself, his hips right next to the counter. But didn’t move, as if waiting for… permission? Sidney leaned in, feeling his beard brush against his cheek.

“Go ahead.”

The man nodded, and gripped Sidney’s hips, pulling him closer still, and humped against him. Just a couple times, softly, experimentally. Sidney gave him a breathy little moan in encouragement and he picked up the pace.

He felt the full hardness of his length brush against him, hard. If they weren’t both still clothed he was sure the man could feel how soaked he was. Then he hit a part a little lower down that made Sidney shake for a second, suddenly sensitive.

“Fuck,” he breathed. “I think that was my hole…”

He just nodded and tried whatever he did again, until Sidney swore he could feel his cock head through their clothes, teasing at his needy cunt. The extra attention made him flushed, almost overwhelmed, and without realizing he wrapped his legs around his hips to keep him in place.

Sidney moved his hips to help him, desperately chasing the feeling. It was almost silly… he was holding the guy in place with his arms and legs, moaning for him, and he wasn’t quite sure what his name was.

“Brahms?” he asked.

“Yes?” His voice was little more than a whisper, deep and rich. Like he’d forgotten the higher voice earlier. “Sidney?”

He wasn’t expecting an answer, much less for Brahms to know his name. Of course he would, but… it’s strange, considering how much care and attention he must have for him. Sidney swallowed and softly stroked his hair.

“Good boy.”

Brahms let out a strangled moan, leaning into his touch. His movement was frantic, and he had Sidney up at kind of an angle so it was like every push of his hips shoved his cock up into him. Sidney’s grip on him tightened without him meaning to. They both ground against each other, just chasing their pleasure.

“Pull my hair,” Sidney asked. Brahms - yes, that’s his name - just looked at him. “Please.”

He hesitated a moment, and then complied. His large hand cupping the back of his head gently, before he pulled ever so slightly.

“Harder,” Sidney begged him. He hoped that he wasn’t overwhelming the poor guy on what must be his first time. “If you - if you want. I really, really like it.”

This convinced him, he could tell from the way he grabbed more hair, and pulled him back more tightly, until Sidney’s head jerked up to the ceiling and he moaned. His response was barely audible. “Thank you.”

They continued, Sidney overwhelmed from the way he kept grabbing him - groping his thighs and pulling his hair just hard enough to hurt. Brahms picked up speed suddenly, until finally he made one last thrust and collapsed, his full weight making Sidney fall back, against the cabinets.

They were both breathing heavy, and Sidney wondered for a second why he stopped - until he felt his cock twitching against him through their clothes, and warmth spread between their thighs. Oh.

He held him closer then, let him bury his head in the crook of his neck as he came down from his high. The porcelain dug into his neck but Sidney ignored it, just holding him and stroking his hair softly.

“Good?” Brahms asked, softly. He’s not letting go either.

“Yes,” Sidney said. “Yes, you were.”

[arambleaway]

Okay, so like Ace Attorney recently ate my brain. And I have never played any of the games. This is the true potential of the internet at work people. Anyway.

I keep thinking about my very specific images of Phoenix Wright, Miles Edgeworth, and the relationship therein. This is gonna be a long one because I can't be assed to make it more coherent than the mess it is in my brain.

So. Phoenix is obviously from a very loving and supportive family except they absolutely loathe the law and law professionals. Phoenix is trans and his family is super supportive, allowing him to express himself even from a young age. Unfortunately, Phoenix's new teacher isn't so great. Is actually a bit of a piece of shit and has been isolating Phoenix and so the poor boy has spent the first couple months of being out being harassed by his teacher and classmates. And that is part of why the trial sticks with Phoenix so much. Because Miles stands up to not only the students, but the teacher and all of the vitriol they've been leaking as well. And he doesn't just drop Phoenix after. He still wants him around and as a little kid that shit sticks with Phoenix far longer than it does with Larry and Edgeworth. Also, unfortunately, if you've got one asshole teacher, you've likely got a few nearby, so Phoenix's family does their best to support him and they offer to transfer him and do what they can, but Phoenix as a child is afraid to move and never see Edgeworth or Larry again so he doesn't. And then when he starts writing letters, he finds he can't stop because they become confessionals of a sort and a place where he doesn't have to be on guard and can know that the person he is writing to is accepting of his identity even if he does wonder from time to time if maybe Edgeworth no longer accepts him.

Anyway, then canon, yada yada. Lets talk about Miles now. Miles is depressed, okay. And he writes that note (you know the one) completely literally. But here's the thing: Miles knows the trauma of finding dead bodies. Has probably seen the mess they leave, and doesn't want to cause more harm than he already has. So he writes the note and packs the pills/blade/etc into a suitcase and takes a flight to Europe where no one that knows him will have a chance to stumble upon him. The turnabout is this: on the plane over he gets into an argument with his seat buddy. Its no one important, but the key info on him is that he is in therapy and sort of off hand brings it up and Miles, who was not raised with a pleasant idea of therapists and such starts an unholy row with him, blatantly projecting his own insecurities and perceived weaknesses on this poor man. The flight attendants have to separate the two and the man spends the rest of the time in first class. Miles spends the rest of the flight getting dirty looks from everyone else. By the flight's end he is frothing at the mouth and the man's assertion that therapy is not something for the faint of heart has been burrowing under his skin. He gets off the plane and rather than immediately commit he thinks he might as well make the source clear and winds up at the empty von Karma estate. He spends the night with a blade on his wrist and voices in his ears. But he doesn't move.

He falls asleep and he wakes from a nightmare he can't recall and it is noon the next day. He doesn't eat, he doesn't move. He just lays there and thinks. He thinks about Phoenix, Franziska, His Father, von Karma, all the lives he's sent to prison after measuring them against a false scale, and he thinks of the man on the plane. He thinks of the things he said, the ring he noticed on his finger, and the husband that was brought up at some point in their altercation. He thinks a lot about what it means to be and Edgeworth and what it means to be a von Karma. He picks up the blade and he puts it in his suitcase. He starts to research Therapists. Because he is going to have the best therapist in the business if he is going to do this. (He just kinda goes for the one with the most academic accolades that is willing to do home visits or move of some shit, anyway) Miles Edgeworth starts therapy and it goes horribly. Miles hates it viscerally and he doesn't feel like his therapist understands. (Which they don't. They keep trying to convince Edgeworth to see and actual trauma specialist and find someone that he clicks with rather than coming back to them). His therapist is worth their name though, and Miles is actually hospitalized due to being a danger to himself. For all that he loathes this, it does eventually allow him to meet with an actual trauma specializing therapist and finally maybe understand what the big deal is. He still hates it, but he finds the therapist that actually suits him and things get a little better.

The first thing is he stops living in the von Karma estate. He admits its a bad place for him to be at the moment and so he moves closer to his therapist and gets a rental flat. Second he gets a new wardrobe. He's been using his stuff left at the von Karma home and all of it is his flashy very "von Karma" wear. So he goes and gets new suits tailored in his preferred style and he pays for them and wears them because he realizes he likes them and not because he is trying to emulate his Mentor. This step is especially a big deal because it is the first moment where he is able to really define who "Miles Edgeworth" is outside of the confines of the courtroom. In all this, of course, he is also figuring out who he is within the courtroom as well. After committing to his therapist and recovery, he goes back into Law in Germany and really tries to define why he still wants to be there. I like to think he spends some time in small courts as a defense attorney assistant while trying to redefine his place. Anyway, eventually Miles decides he wants to remove his old stuff from the von Karma estate. He might move in his new stuff but for now it is merely removing the old, giving him the space and option of a new start. In clearing his stuff he winds up in the storage space on the household and there he finds an old suitcase.

The suitcase is Miles's from when he first came to the household. Von Karma had told the staff to pitch it when they first arrived and apparently whoever was on duty that day was kind enough to save it for later. Miles has a bit of a breakdown on seeing it and has a rather sharp set back in his improvement. He finds himself staring at the knife again. Because he never put it away. He still doesn't. But he doesn't touch it, just looks. Miles fights his way back out of the hole and in doing so removes all of his things from the estate except that little suitcase. Its the last thing and he opens it to slowly deal with the contents. Most of it is children's clothes, some expired toiletries, but buried in the deepest part of the case, wrapped lovingly in an old bowtie is his Father's defense attorney badge. Miles doesn't have a breakdown this time (yay!) but he does spend the next week unable to sleep for the sheer intensity of his nightmares. He carries on though. He slowly and surely patches together who exactly Miles Edgeworth is and what he wants to stand for. And that little gold badge stays folded in the bow tie and tucked in the deepest corner of his latest suitcase. He throws out the knife.

Once again back to canon, he returns doesn't tell anyone shit, and slowly relearns Phoenix Wright and what that man means to him. Hazakura temple, all the gay vibes, until the disbarment era. Lets stop by Phoenix again, shall we?

Phoenix is disbarred and for the first so many years he is genuinely friends with Kristoph Gavin. None of this "oh i always suspected shit", he believes in Kristoph, because that's who Phoenix is. At this point Edgeworth is still in Europe and a large part of that is so that he can continue with his therapy. But he does drop everything to talk to Phoenix once he hears the news. He immediately knows that something is up because Phoenix would never and he believes in him more than anyone else and he is offering to do everything in his power to make this better because Phoenix is worth it and Miles love-- woah. that's a new emotion. what the fuck is up with that. So anyway Miles realizes that he has some less than platonic feelings and he wants to run back to Europe and his therapist and figure out what it all means, but above all Wright is his Friend dammit and he owes him so much. But on Phoenix's side, he sees how far Edgeworth is offering to go and he turns down all of the things that would cause Miles's life to be disrupted. He does accept the knowledge and shoulder to lean on that Edgeworth offers, but Edgeworth doesn't need to move continents or anything. Besides he has Kristoph here to help. And Miles kind of hates all of this situation, but he knows that he truly doesn't have the kind of knowledge and pull to really be of service not to mention his new discovery is not doing his health any favors. So he goes back to Germany and Phoenix stays with Kristoph.

Now Miles is in Germany figuring out how to manage complex emotions and romantic relationships, while Phoenix is working with Kristoph, who becomes Kris, who could maybe be more except Phoenix isn't sure it would be fair to him since he has become more than a little hung up on Edgeworth since he came back from Europe. And because when Edgeworth asks him to Europe he jumps with no forethought. He gets Kris to watch Trucy and jets off to spend time with Miles. They do their amazing duo routine and Edgeworth comes away from the encounter knowing that yes, he very much would like a romantic relationship with Phoenix. Okay. Now how to go about it. Meanwhile Phoenix gets back and sees Trucy and this is when he realizes that Kristoph is dirty. Trucy tells him about something she saw while she stayed with him and something clicks and Phoenix has a mild breakdown because of how much danger he just realizes she might be in. He calls Miles at some point during this and Miles talks him down. He falls asleep and in the morning he doesn't shave. He smiles and gets Trucy to school, then sits in the office and tries to figure out where he goes from here. That afternoon there is knock at the door.

Miles Edgeworth does nothing half way and has flown to Phoenix just to be able to help him figure out the next steps and comfort him. Phoenix is officially gone for this man. The two talk and scheme and eventually hatch their mad plan to rebuild the entire fucking system. Miles will use his distance to research and provide information, Phoenix will keep an eye on Kristoph and start building what he can here. In all of this Trucy's safety comes up. Phoenix actually considers sending her with Miles. Miles puts that idea to a stop real quick, though he does mention doing more visits and such. Trucy is very happy to hear about this and demands to go every time. Phoenix says something along the lines of it being more expensive for two people to fly and joking that it would be cheaper if they just let him keep her in his suitcase. This is how Miles Edgeworth returns to Germany with a solid plan for the future and one Magician more than planned. Trucy obviously sneaks into his luggage and somehow makes it with him to Germany. In doing so she finds the badge in his bag, and despite the intense scolding she gets, the two are finally able to really connect and bond as Miles opens up to her a bit about his Father and what he has gone through.

Eventually Trucy gets back where she belongs and despite a few more hijinks over the years things progress via canon. Edgeworth and Phoenix have both accepted their feelings but have yet to act on them as neither is in a position to properly be with the other as they wish. So they flirt and argue and love each other intensely as only the best of friends and trauma buddies can. It all pays off and Kristoph is arrested. Phoenix is innocent, but he is unsure about going back into law. In this case, Kris was kinda the last proof of where blind belief will get you and it isn't just a façade, Phoenix is a lot bitter at the larger world and himself. So he isn't in the greatest place mentally, and Edgeworth sees it. And for the first time he thinks about reaching out to someone. Especially because this is Phoenix not just a random stranger on a plane. Then he finds he has the option to take the Chief Prosecutor position, and he finds himself staring at his Father's badge. He thinks on the years and his growth, and he talks with his therapist. And he decides to move. He takes the new position and seeing Phoenix struggle so close he finally shares about therapy. Not all of it. Nothing really just that he goes and has since the year-they-do-not-speak-of and that he is looking for a new one in the city and maybe Phoenix would like to help him. Because he values Phoenix and his opinions. Phoenix does eventually wind up in a therapists office and it is a mess, but it helps.

The two reconnect more strongly than ever and shortly thereafter Phoenix agrees to take the Bar again. Miles supports him in this and watches as he struggles and groans but makes it through. And at the same time he watches him heal a bit from the atrocities of the past 7 years. When Phoenix passes he is over-joyed and that night finds him holding his Father's badge and slowly thinking. Turning the idea over and over he can't bring himself to ignore it. He walks up to Phoenix in the office the next day and with all the drama of a marriage proposal give Phoenix his Father's badge. Apollo starts to realize exactly what sort of shit he signed up for. Especially when Miles turns up a couple weeks later and attempts to strangle Phoenix with his own tie and demands having the badge back because What The Fuck. An Orca. You Absolute Dumbass.

This is the point where my ideas dry up. Because where I leave them is pining idiots that are actually doing pretty ok. I figure they eventually get their shit together, but only after inflicting immense suffering on their co-workers and the legal system as a whole with their obvious pining and flirting. I barely know Apollo but watching him suffer is just more amusing than it should be. Also Miles is Autistic and it actually is part of what allows him to bond with Trucy.

[fallout-lou-begas]

it really says a lot about how you see trans people with your character. its offensive and disgusting.

Extremely transphobic of you to say this to me, a trans woman, honestly. Now that’s offensive and disgusting.

I saw this when I got home from grocery shopping and considered ignoring it because I imagine you’re just trying to stir shit or get attention but given that this is the first message I’ve gotten like this, and hell, the first anything I’ve seen like this, I figured I’d plant a flag a little bit. Not necessarily for you, since again, odds are you’re just yanking my chain a bit for a cheap thrill, but for anyone who might seriously think this who’ve thankfully kept to the gutters inside of in my line of vision, I’d like to take this seriously. It’s also been a while since I’ve written a good screed, and who doesn’t love a good screed.

What is it about Agnes being trans that offends and disgusts you? Is it her appearance? What is a trans woman “supposed” to look like to you, anon? Does she look like a cis woman? Hell, what’s a cis woman “supposed” to look like, too? What does this acceptable form of woman have, and what doesn’t she have? Does she not have a big nose, a strong jaw, broad shoulders, or body hair, like Agnes does, or like I do, or like many women trans and cis alike do? Does her having “masculine” features offend and disgust you? Why is this? Does any trans person who fails to pass offend and disgust you by their mere existence? Is this really something to which you take offense?

Are you offended and disgusted by her transition? By her occasional stubble and facial hair, which I grew myself during the first couple weeks of quarantine because I couldn’t be assed because shaving is annoying and my laser appointments got cancelled? By her transition being a real, grounded part of the world dependent on having access to resources and medications that isn’t guaranteed, instead of a magical wand that makes her cis-passing when she wants to be? By her not being able to transition until young adulthood because not everyone just realizes they’re trans at the same time, because not everyone realizes they’re trans before puberty, because not everyone is able to be out as trans or transition as soon or as much as they’d like? By her being satisfied with her transition as-is, by her not wanting surgical interventions?

Are you offended by her flaws? By her anxiety, her trauma, her fears, her doubts, her horror? Are you offended that after getting shot in the fucking head she as a human being may look at herself in the mirror and grimace? Are you offended and disgusted that a trans woman may have some complicated personal issues about her sense of self, and what makes her feel like herself and what doesn’t? Would it be okay for Agnes to have these flaws if she were a cis character? Are trans characters not allowed to be imperfect? Must all queer representation be an idealistic morality play, and if so, whose ideals and whose morals?

Are you offended and disgusted that she fucks? Are you offended by her sexuality? Are you offended and disgusted by the idea of trans women with sexual agency?

To make such a blasé comment in my askbox which has anonymous submissions turned on as a privilege which has otherwise been lovely, you must either be an idiot, a bigot, or truscum—but, ah, I repeat myself there.

Especially during these isolating, introspective times of COVID-19 where we’re all inside all day, Agnes Sands has been an invaluably cathartic vessel for me, not as a self-insert, but as a vehicle for exploring and considering what it means to be trans and to know oneself as trans in a post-apocalyptic wasteland where, to me, the popularly accepted and contemporary real-world markers of “successful” transition may not be easily available, or available at all. Her reception by the fandom and my friends has been overwhelmingly positive, which is so validating and affirming not merely as a writer and artist but as a trans woman who is writing about a particular form and shape of transness that I never, never, never see in any kind of mainstream storytelling. My transness. My representation.

If you have real, genuine, serious beef with how I, a trans woman, am writing my trans woman characters, then I sincerely invite you to come off of anon and we’ll have a level-headed chat. But if you think I’m being immature or childish by lambasting you with what you may perceive as needlessly aggressive and bad faith inquiries, then know that I’m merely returning your favor, and I don’t have to hide behind an anonymous icon to do it.

[keanureevesisbae]

Mister Cavill, your dog is kinda fat - Epilogue

Summary: Veterinarian Olivia Tran has zero time for bullshit. After becoming a mom at age twenty three, the one thing she wants is a good life for her daughter Vanessa. Her ex didn’t want anything to do with her nor the baby and she decided that man are officially banned out of her life. But then she meets Henry Cavill at her clinic and her ban slowly starts to crumble apart. Henry on the other hand is looking for one thing: a family. And when he meets Olivia Tran, he finds just that.

Henry Cavill x Olivia Tran (ofc)

Warnings: None

Wordcount: 4.1k

A/N: This will be Vanessa’s pov

Masterlist // Previous chapter //

9 years later

Name: Vanessa Tran-Cavill

Subject: English

Teacher: Mrs. Allen

Grade: 100/100 — Vanessa, you are such a talented writer. You raised the bar for every other essay I’m going to read in my entire career left as an English teacher. You have such a wonderful role model in your life. Please cherish your family for the rest of your life!

The one who taught me everything - an essay about Olivia Tran-Cavill, the greatest inspiration for me.

I was raised by the toughest woman alive. I know that a lot of kids say that about their mom, but allow me to explain why Olivia Tran-Cavill is the toughest woman I know in my life.

Her boyfriend left her when she told him she was pregnant with me, her own family (meaning her parents and her two brothers) practically disowned her, and on top of that she just started a job as a freshly minted veterinarian.

If I were in her shoes, I’d be terrified, struck by multiple breakdowns on a daily basis, but not my mom. She raised me all by herself, barely having a break or a moment of her own. I was her number one priority. She told me to be kind, to be honest and polite: personality traits that provide me with the best today and for all the days to come in the future.

There was only one thing that I desperately wanted and that was a family. I wanted a dad like the kids in my class. I wanted grandparents. I wanted aunts and uncles. I wanted to have little siblings, because I knew that I would be a great big sister.

Unfortunately that wasn’t in the stars for me and my mom told me that. It takes a brave woman to say to her young child: ‘Your real dad doesn’t want you. Your grandparents kicked me out the second they found out I was pregnant with you. Your uncles never spoke to me again.’

It hurt obviously. There were people walking around here that shared DNA with me, that were family, but they made it pretty clear that they didn’t want me nor my mother. To this day they still haven’t reached out and they honestly don’t know what they are missing out on. At least, that is what my mom always tells me.

But my mom always told me that family wasn’t all about sharing DNA, it was about finding people that you want in your life. You can choose who your family is.

Despite that wonderful piece of advice that I definitely took to heart, I continued to make her a drawing every single day. My mom and I inside our house and outside there is a man with a dog, waiting to be allowed into our life.

Waiting to become a dad.

My dad.

One day my mom was on call and had to go to the clinic at night. She took me with her and that’s the day we met Henry and his dog Kal. Little did we all know that at that exact moment, our lives drastically changed.

Henry was more of a dad in the first hour that I had met him, then my real dad was in my entire life. For the first time in life, I had a dad figure. A man who cared not only about me, but also about my mom.

Being with Henry never drastically changed my mom. She was still the bad ass mom I always had, but it did softened her up. It made her relaxed. Henry gave her what she deserved all those years of raising me by herself. Letting someone take care of her too. There is only so much a six year old could give back to a powerhouse like her mom, but there is so much more a man like Henry Cavill can give her.

He provided us with a family. A grandma, a granddad and four lovely uncles.

And for that I have to thank my mom. She allowed Henry into her life, thus into my life and gave us six amazing Cavill family members, who cared about us and loved us up to this day.

Now, I admire her every single day. The way she takes care of not only me, but also my three sisters, is something I feel like I can never live up to. Whenever some of us walk into the room, her face lights up and she drops everything to give us her full attention.

And for that I am so incredibly thankful. She taught me so much. How to love, how to catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and she taught me that it is okay to be scared, but that it should never stop you from pursuing what you want to achieve.

I know my mom was scared when she got pregnant and was dropped by all the people she thought she could trust and rely on, but it never stopped her from pursuing what she wanted: to be a great mother and an excellent veterinarian. Knowing that, I’m going to try to be the best version of myself, though I know damn well that I can never be as amazing as her.

For me, my mom is the most influential person in my life and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world.

≫≫≪≪

With my freshly graded essay, I walk towards my locker. This is such a great way to end the week. I worked my ass off on this essay and the fact that mrs. Allen gave me the full hundred out of hundred points is unbelievable. She never gives people higher than ninety points probably. I feel like I’m the first student in her entire career to score the highest grade possible.

‘There she is.’ I look up to see Trey walking up to me, already undoing his tie. He always tells me that he hates that thing with a passion and while I suggest he uses a clip on tie (like half the school does), he keeps on wearing the regular one. I think it’s so he can continue to bitch about it. ‘You’re going to Jimmy’s party tonight, right?’

I shake my head. ‘I’m sorry, Trey, I can’t. I have plans with my family.’

‘The entire family?’ he asks, as he leans against the row of lockers besides mine.

‘Yes, the entire family.’

‘And there is absolutely no change at all that you can ditch them?’

I can’t stop my chuckle. Usually I go out on Friday, especially if Trey invites me, but right now I really can’t go. ‘It’s important,’ I say to him. I see him fake pouting, causing me to roll my eyes. ‘Come on, don’t pout. Jimmy has parties every two weeks. I’ll be at the next one.’

Trey grins. ‘I’ll hold you to that, V. Tell your mom I said hi and also say that to your dad, because I’m afraid he’ll kick my ass next time he sees me. Oh, and say hi to your sisters, will you?’

A few weeks ago Trey came over to my place, because we were going to do algebra homework together (and because we wanted to spend time together). Dad was ready to embarrass the shit out of me (I think he has been waiting for this moment since he adopted me to be honest—he seemed to well prepared), but mom swooped right in and Trey felt instantly at ease. Ever since then, he asks me how she is doing when I see him at school.

I know it’s tough for Trey. He wasn’t raised with a mother, since she passed away during his birth, but her three brothers raised him. He loves them dearly and because of that, he can handle my dad’s antics just fine. However it’s nice for him to have a motherly figure in his life, since his uncles never dated (they would get along well with my uncles) and my mom is the right person for that.

After that algebra homework moment we had, he has been coming over a lot more often and just a few days ago, I saw him giving my mom a hug. When I asked her about it, she told me that he always likes it when he is here and it turns out, that he told her all about growing up with only his uncles and how she feels like a mom figure to him. I like how he is welcomed into my family. My sisters are absolutely smitten with him and they love it when I bring him over, since they wished I was a boy, so they could have a brother.

It’s always nice to know that your sisters love you for who you are.

‘You know, you can come over too,’ I say, not wanting Trey to leave. ‘If you want to of course.’

‘Are you sure?’ he asks, but he already has a telling smile on his face. ‘I just don’t want to intrude an important event.’

‘You won’t,’ I laugh. ‘It’s been ten years since my dad officially adopted me. We’re going to celebrate at my grandparents’ place. My uncles will be there, my aunt, nephews and my sisters.’

Trey smiles. ‘Well, if you invite me.’

I close my locker and say: ‘We are going to celebrate this whole weekend, but you can only stay today if you want to, so you won’t miss Jimmy’s party.’

‘I don’t really care about Jimmy’s party,’ Trey admits. ‘I only wanted to spend time with you.’

It’s obvious that we have a crush on each other, it’s just that I’m afraid of committing. He doesn’t seem to mind though, that pull my hand back when he wants to hold it and that we haven’t kissed, though we’ve been on a few dates.

‘So,’ Trey says as we walk out of the school, ‘your dad adopted you ten years ago.’

I nod. ‘Yeah, he made me an official Cavill from that day. If I’m being completely honest, I never thought I’d have a dad. I always thought that it was going to be me, my mom and my pleads for a dad. For such a long time I thought it was enough, though deep down I wanted a dad, but sometimes it’s just not meant for everyone, right?’

Trey nods. ‘Right.’

‘I still remember the day we met him and Kal,’ I say. ‘And I just knew that I wanted that man as my father. I was six and though I need saw my mom with a man, I just knew that they were meant for each other, you know. We were standing around the examination table, because Kal was sick and I thought to myself that this was the man that not only I wanted in my life, but my mom needed as well.’

Trey’s fingers brush against mine and I hold onto his hand, for the first time in the weeks that we are circling around each other.

I think back to the times where it was just my mom and I. She was so strong for all those years of raising me, telling me the painful truth about my biological dad, my grandparents and uncles from her side of the family, arranging all different sorts of shifts at the animal clinic and bringing me to work when necessary.

I admire my mother and the way she carefully picked out a man that was worthy of becoming my dad, of adopting me and giving me his last name. I had been Vanessa Tran for so many years, but becoming Vanessa Tran-Cavill, had been such a blessing and for the first time in seven years, I had a dad, someone who cared about me.

Someone who loved me.

And right now, I have seen how much he loved my mom, me and my sisters. I admired the way dad took care of us, while still having an acting career. He played in seven movies since I met him and five of those were being filmed here in the UK, since he didn’t want to leave us for too long.

He posts about us on Instagram sometimes, but always disables the comments. A lot of people know that I’m his daughter, but they mostly find out when we’ve known each other for a while.

Trey and I get out of the bus, but I stop him, before we walk off to my grandparents’ house. ‘I just want to prepare you. I have four nosey uncles and a granddad who just starts to talk, not knowing when to stop.’

‘It’s nothing I can’t handle,’ he laughs. ‘Remember, I grew up with three uncles and their friends. This will be peanuts.’

I smile. ‘Yeah, you’re right.’ I squeeze his hand. ‘Trey, before we go into the backyard, I have to admit something.’

‘I like you too,’ he says. ‘And I don’t mind taking it slow.’

My eyes widen. ‘How did you know I was going to say that?’

‘You’re predictable, Tran.’ Trey smiles and I roll my eyes. ‘It’s honestly no big deal. I really like you and your family and though I feel comfortable enough to go at my pace, I don’t want to force you into stuff.’ He gives me a squeeze back in my hand. ‘Your pace and no one else’s.’ He pulls me to him and wraps me up in a tight hug. I feel his chin on top of my head and I let out a sigh, before I close my eyes, nuzzling my face in his chest. This feels nice, I could get used to this.

I pull back a little, to carefully press a kiss on his jaw. ‘Come on, let’s go,’ I say, pulling him with me to the gate at the back of the yard. Together we walk into the backyard and I see everyone is already there. Uncles Piers, Niki and Charlie are standing near the barbecue, as my nine year old sister Elodie is poking Charlie in his sides. Belle has wrapped her arms around uncle Simon’s neck, giving him tons of kisses. Belle’s two year old son Hugh is trying to kick the ball, but he misses and falls flat on his bum. He waddles over to Belle, who is currently expecting another boy in four months.

My five year old sisters Chloe and Heather are the first to notice me. ‘Vanessa!’ they scream in unison, rushing towards me and wrapping their arms around my waist. ‘We missed you.’

‘I missed you guys too,’ I chuckle.

‘And you brought Trey!’ Chloe notices, jumping in his arms. ‘You are staying here for the barbecue?’

‘Of course,’ Trey says with a smile. ‘I wouldn’t miss it for the world, munchkin.’

Everyone looks up and gives me hugs and introduce themselves to Trey if they haven’t met him already. Grandpa Colin gives me a big hug and slips fifty pounds not only in my hand, but also in Trey’s hand. ‘So you can take her out on a date, young man,’ he tells Trey.

When we walk over to my parents, Trey says: ‘Damn, I get fifty pounds for showing up here. Should I tell your grandad when my birthday is?’

‘Don’t,’ I say sternly, pinching his side.

Kal licks my hand and I scratch him on top of his head. He is not fat anymore (as if my mother would allow that). He is also not as active as he used to be when I met him, but he is still the most loyal and biggest sweetheart in the world, always taking care of me and my sisters.

My mom holds out her arms and Trey doesn’t hesitate for a minute to be engulfed in her arms. Dad wraps his arms around my waist and bumps his nose against my cheek. Elodie, Chloe and Heather often wonder why we do that, but it’s our thing and it’ll always be our thing. ‘There you are, sunshine,’ he says.

‘It’s a special day today,’ I say. ‘You have any regrets?’

He scoffs. ‘Are you kidding me? As if I could have regrets.’

‘You still have the receipt?’

He laughs. ‘Like I would ever use that.’ He gives me a kiss on my cheek and says: ‘You brought your boyfriend with you, I see.’

Normally I’d protest against his antics, but now… I actually don’t mind. I quite like it actually. I like the idea of Trey being my boyfriend. ‘Well, yeah.’

Dad gives me a big kiss, before he places me on my feet again. Trey wipes his hands clean on his jeans, before he extends his hand to my dad. I don’t quite know what happens after that, because mom pulls me into a hug. Though I’m seventeen now and my mom is reaching the forty already, she barely aged.

It’s admirable, really. After she gave birth to Elodie and she lost that much blood, it was the scariest experience in my life. I thought, with the way everyone was looking at each other when dad called, my mom would die. It took her six months to recover and I helped out the best I could, but I knew that asking for another sibling too soon, wouldn’t help. Four years after she had Elodie, she became pregnant with twins and after that she did not want more kids. Ideally she wanted three, I remember her saying that to dad, but now she had four and though she loved it, it was enough.

‘How was school?’ mom asks.

‘It was great. I got my English essay back.’

‘Oh really? How did you do?’

‘I’ll tell you in a minute.’

Mom tilts her head when she looks at Henry and Trey, who seem to hit it off actually. ‘You chose a good one,’ she tells me. ‘So proud of you, sweetheart.’ Mom wraps her arm around my waist and gives me a kiss. ‘Oh no, mom!’ she yells to grandma Marianne. ‘Wait, don’t carry everything.’ Mom rushes off to the kitchen and I can’t hide my smile.

I’m happy that all these people are my family. From the looks of Trey, he actually is a bit nervous. I walk up to him and my dad and wrap my arm around his hips. He is tense, but wraps his arm around my shoulders. ‘You’re not bugging him, are you, dad?’

‘No, of course not,’ he says, but I cock my eyebrow, causing him to say: ‘Just asking him what he will do with that fifty pound your grandpa gave him.’

Of course my dad noticed that.

He excuses himself, walking up to the barbecue, lifting up Elodie in the process. I look up at Trey and I ask: ‘I thought you said this would be peanuts?’

‘It will be peanuts,’ he tells me. ‘Just have to warm up a bit.’ He smiles, pearly white teeth framed by his full lips. ‘This definitely helps.’

‘Okay, love birds,’ uncle Niki yells, ‘come on. We’re getting ready to eat.’

I feel a blush creep up on my cheeks, but despite that, I still chuckle. He laces his fingers through mine, as we walk to the big table in the backyard under the parasol. ‘I just want to say one thing,’ grandma Marianne says, ‘and that is that I want to thank my son for overfeeding his dog, so he met the greatest veterinarian of all times, who—together with her oldest daughter—brought so much joy and happiness into the family.’

‘Mom, it has been ten years!’ dad says. ‘Please, let it go. I’m not overfeeding Kal anymore.’

It has been an ongoing joke, every time my dad gives Kal a little snack, at least one of the entire Cavill Clan says something along the lines of that we have to hide the other snacks.

‘But anyways,’ grandma says, ‘I am so happy that now we are this big and happy family. It’s all I really wanted.’

Everyone takes a deep breath, because we all realize that it could’ve gone so differently. I clear my throat and say: ‘I got my English essay back and got myself a hundred out of a hundred points.’

‘Shut up!’ uncle Piers says. ‘You got a perfect score? When was the last time something like that happened with us?’

‘None of you boys ever got a perfect score,’ grandpa Colin says. He sometimes can’t remember how to use the remote, what my sisters or my name is, but this he knows.

‘Anyways,’ I say, ‘it does have something to do with what happened ten years ago. I mean, becoming officially a Cavill has been the greatest thing ever. I watched my life do a complete one eighty and though I have to thank my dad for that, there is one woman who absolutely changed my life and is such a wonderful role model for not only me, but also my sisters, that I decided to write my essay about my mom.’

Mom’s eyes widen, before she scrunches up her nose. ‘Why?’

This is such a typical reaction from her, so I cannot stop my laugh. ‘Because mom, you are amazing. Everything that I have, started with you. Everything I understand, I do, I think about, is because of the way you took care of me and raised me. I know that I tell you this a lot, but mom, I love you so so much and everything you did for me, it’s so admirable. I owe so much to you.’

Mom clears her throat. ‘Oh sweetie,’ she mumbles. ‘You don’t owe me anything.’

‘You did so well, mom,’ I whisper. ‘I’m so lucky to have been raised by you.’

She grabs my hand and gives me a loving squeeze. ‘Sweetheart, could you come with me for a second?’

The two of us walk inside of the house, as we hear conversation strike up behind us. The second we are out of sight, she wraps her arms around me. This is what she always does, not wanting to cry in front of the other Cavills, always going to a secluded place. ‘I love you, Vanessa,’ she whispers. ‘I think I’ve done a pretty good job with you.’

I can’t help but laugh. ‘You did an excellent job, mom. You are honestly the biggest power house I’ve ever met.’

‘Could you imagine what would’ve happened if Belle was able to baby sit you?’ mom asks. ‘Because you, my love, charmed yourself a way into your father’s heart.’

I chuckle. ‘I kinda did, didn’t I?’

Mom smiles, as she holds tightly onto my hands. ‘I know you always thank me for giving you the family you always wanted, but remember: if you weren’t so instantly in love with your dad, I don’t know if I had given it a shot to be honest.’

That is such a weird thought, I think to myself. I always stop myself when I want to think about the ‘what ifs’ and my entire family never really brought it up. Maybe when I was younger, but never with me. But what if indeed I were to stay over at Belle’s place, I would’ve never known that Henry was there probably. Imagine the life that we would’ve had. Maybe I had given my biological father Wesley a chance and then I didn’t have my three wonderful sisters.

‘What are you two doing here? Poor Trey is being questioned by Niki, Charlie and grandpa and the old man is not holding back.’ My dad walks in and though he has reached the ripe age of forty eight, he is still the tall and bulked up man that I met in the examination room. He is still the man that loved me like I was his own.

‘Just thanking my daughter for being such a lovely girl, who charmed her way into your heart.’

‘Oh, you sure did,’ dad says with a smile. ‘My lovely sunshine, I love you so much and I can’t believe it’s been more than ten years since I met you and your mom.’ He wraps his arms around us and says: ‘Though I still feel the fear of Kal vomiting on the carpet with blood, I am so grateful that you picked up and the other clinics didn’t.’ He presses a kiss on my mom’s forehead.

‘Dad, when did you realize you were in love with mom?’

‘Well, I told myself that I shouldn’t have a crush on someone that I barely knew,’ dad says, ‘but I can tell you that deep down in my heart I knew that this beautiful woman stole my heart the second she said the seven words that I’ll never forget. Mister Cavill, your dog is kinda fat.’

≫≫≪≪

Bonus instagram posts:

Elodie and Vanessa

Elodie with Olivia

Pregnant with twins!

Pre teen Vanessa showing Henry that he is an actual boomer

Chloe and Heather

Vanessa as a teenager

Elodie as a teenager

Chloe and Heather as teenagers

A/N: soooo this is the end of this wonderful story, though I wish this would go on forever. Thank you so much to all the people who have been reading this, leaving lovely comments. Thanks to this story I gained so many new followers. I never expected it to blow up like this haha. Not to self promote but will do anyway, but please check out my other works if you haven’t already (and if you want to of course, I’m not going to force you to read my other fics) and of course I’ll be back with other fun projects, that I obviously will announce like usual 🤗

[morgansystem]

Head count

So we're still not 100% sure who everyone is yet, and most of us don't have individual names, but I think Tumblr lets people edit posts now so we'll edit this as we go!

First, here's a post with all of our art/creative blogs:

See who's currently fronting here (may be incorrect if I've been offline for a while)

Now onto who's who!

Morgan

Role: host (I think? not sure if the original)

Age: 21

Pronouns: e/em/er / he as a backup

Interests: art, Magic: the Gathering, TTRPGs (mostly 5e DND and Lancer)

Note: "Morgan" is the system's middle name, that we went by for a while after coming out as trans but before picking a new name (long before realizing we're plural). Also, some of us will refer to em as he or even she when talking about our past. E.g. when talking about six-year-old Morgan, we might say she. No one outside of the system except for our partner (who hasn't even used this privilege even though they know they have it) may ever refer to Morgan as "she," and "he" is just kind of okay. E prefers "e."

Raphael

Role: Posier / assidumate / fronts when doing schoolwork etc that's related to science or math and at the doctor

Age: big

Pronouns: he/him

Interests: Biology (especially genetics), AI to a lesser degree, physics to a lesser degree

Note: "Raphael" is also the system's legal name and the name we all go by in some situations, but since he's the one there in most situations that we go by that name (e.g. most doctor's appointments), we figured he might as well take it for distinguishing b/w headmates

Alex

Role: Dysphoria protector (fronts a lot during periods) / fronts when doing schoolwork etc that's related to filmography (although for that I think it's just bc they like it)

Age: big (but like a young big?)

Pronouns: they/she

Interests: Filmography/directing/camerawork, television, acting

Megan

Role: Sexual alter / Sexual protector

Age: middle? (which, yikes)

Pronouns: she/they? (I'll try to get her to update this when she's fronting but uh I don't think she'll be going on Tumblr much)

Interests: Unknown

Note: Megan hasn't fronted in a while, so I'm not entirely sure if she's even okay with the name Megan. I refer to her as such because when Morgan/Raph were in high school (and completely unaware that we're a system) Morgan drew a little comic about the people who make up our "personality (singular)" (yk, plegg shit) and he had a character named "Megan" that was partially based on Megan.

Michelle

Role: Perpetrator / persecutor / enforcer

Pronouns: she/her

Age: adult

Interests: Unknown

Note: This one is a factive of my first abuser. She only fronts with very specific triggers (although she has the role of enforcer in our head like all the time) and I don't think she cares enough about her source's identity that she cares what name we use for her--in the moments that she's there, there isn't really enough time or calm to discuss names. We don't want to call her by the source's name because the source is still in our life. Michelle is a placeholder name, and we'll change it if she says she doesn't like it, but we were looking at a list and it just felt right, and since she can give us intrusive thoughts I feel like she would've protested if she hated it.

Max

Role: Beauheur

Pronouns: he/him

Age: little (8-9?)

Interests: animals and Minecraft

Fun fact: Max was the first to realize that there's a cat in here somewhere and he's very distressed that he can't pet it.

Other relevant info:

We are a traumagenic system (with some potentially fixagenic or neurogenic alters), but support systems of all origins. We try not to start discourse on this blog, but may occasionally vent about how hard it is to find inclusive spaces with a lot of traumagenic members. We have mixed (mostly shared) knowledge--most of us share most of our knowledge, but some knowledge, mostly just specific advanced knowledge that won't be required in all of our lives, is restricted. Most restricted knowledge can trigger a switch, though (eg Raphael comes out if we're taking a bio test), so it doesn't hurt much. Our memory is also mixed, but we also have poor recall in general. We don't have a headspace per se, but we'd like one.

[atruththatyoudeny]

Monthly Reads | October 2020

Happy 28th! I probably sound like a broken record already but I have to say it again: this fandom has an insane amount of talented writers! I am in awe! Every single one of you is my hero! ♥♥♥ Here are all the 23 fics I read and loved this month:

✧ Welcome to The Rivalry | 2tiedships2 | a/b/o - strangers to lovers - enemies to lovers - rivalry - college - 19k “Welcome home!” Niall yelled, clapping his hands in excitement. “Isn’t it great?” Louis looked between Niall and the house, unsure how to respond. “I don’t understand,” Louis finally managed to say. “Aren’t we a little old to be living so close to campus?” Niall scoffed. “You’re only twenty-four for fuck’s sake. There is still plenty of partying left for us to do. What better place than one street over from where a car was set on fire after the Michigan game last year?” “Is there proof of that? Did the car have Michigan plates or something? Is there a photo I can send in a DM to Wolfie?” As if on cue, a Twitter notification popped up on Louis’ Apple watch. He had tweeted again. Or a reverse You’ve Got Mail au inspired by the Ohio State/Michigan rivalry. Featuring duplex neighbors, (kind of) enemies to lovers, and an anonymous Twitter feud between omega Louis and alpha Harry.

✧ Back to Seventeen | crimsontheory | teacher - soccer coach - 26k As a first grade teacher in a small town in Illinois, Harry’s life is pretty simple. He loves his job, is close with his family, and has a best friend he would go to the ends of the earth for. When a new soccer coach starts at the local high school, things start to get a bit more exciting for Harry. Because that coach just happens to be Louis Tomlinson; the guy Harry was unrequitedly in love with in high school. Or the one where Louis moves back to his hometown and Harry realizes he’s still not over his high school crush.

✧ Sigh for Sigh | logogram | historical - a/b/o - regency - miscommunication - pining - marriage of convenience - 11k When his father's sudden illness forces Harry to get married in a hurry, he's delighted that Lord Louis Tomlinson is the one who makes him an offer. Being married to Louis is just as wonderful as he imagined, except for one thing-- they haven't mated yet. Or the one where they're both idiots, Harry's afraid to say what he's thinking, and Louis's just trying to be honorable.

✧ We Can Find a Place to Feel Good | yeah_alright | 1960s - High School - school dances - 8k 14-year-old Harry is ecstatic to finally be old enough to experience the time-honored tradition of school dances. But with each year that passes and each dance he attends, he’s realizing they’re not all he used to hope they’d be. Especially when he can't actually dance with the person he most wants to. Maybe he and Louis can figure out their own ways to keep dancing, anyway.

✧ At Risk, I Fold | clare328 | canon compliant - established relationship - angst - emotional hurt/comfort - miscommunication - anxiety - implied/referenced alcohol abuse - 15k 2015 is a stream of hotel rooms and whisky on the rocks, tired glances and touching hands under tables. It’s the bears and the bees under a rainbow sky, and Harry and Louis have to figure out how to grow up together, instead of apart.

✧ Carry These Feelings | LadyLondonderry | fae Á faires - established relationship - magic - 3k Harry is one of the fae, and has to return to Court once a year to please the Queen. He makes a detour on his way home to Louis. Two weeks and I'll be home.

✧ Hung Up High in the Gallery | lovelarry10 | friends to lovers - slow burn - pining - 14k "Louis, lay still!” Louis sighed loudly, and Harry watched his chest puff out as he inhaled deeply, the breath he let out loudly making Harry’s curls shift. “I am, stop being so fussy. Can I see yet?” “Nope,” Harry remarked, smiling to himself. “I’m doing your chest next. Shit, this is going to look so good, Lou. Your tan and these colours… why haven’t we done this before?” “Because we haven’t been this drunk in a while, and it never occurred to me until tonight?” ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ ❁ When Harry’s best friend, Louis, comes to support him at his art show, he decides they need to do some celebrating afterwards. How fast do the lines between friends and lovers get blurred ... or better, get painted?

✧ Love you in the dark | Perzikje | historical - wedding night - arranged marriage - dubious consent - 10k The story of a historical wedding night: in which Louis is quite unaware as to just how clueless his brand new husband is about sex. They try their best to figure it out together.

✧ Victorian Boy | audreyhheart | historical - victorian - royalty - enemies to friends to lovers - slow burn - angst - murder mystery - 101k Victorian AU. Harry the virgin Duke of Somerset knows little of love, while Louis the sly Duke of Warwick knows too much. When the two dukes come together for the Bilsdale fox hunt in York, Harry finds himself drawn into Louis' bed. But when secrets from Louis' dark past come to light, Harry fears that the fox isn't the only one being hunted.

✧ the anticipation of knowing you | sweetrevenge | strangers to lovers - neighbors - light angst - 13k Hello Neighbor! Just wanted to let you know that you were having sex so loud and scarily I called our building manager and security officer because I thought you were hurt. P.S. I sent them away when I heard you yell ‘cock’. I’m sorry that I heard that, but I wanted you to know in case they stopped by to check on you or something. Sorry! Your neighbor Louis Tomlinson in apartment #306 After Louis overhears his next door neighbor having sex, he doesn’t really expect anything but awkward hallway encounters to come from it. Instead, he’s surprised to find himself in a whirlwind pen pal relationship with the sweet, albeit loud, baker next door.

✧ We'll Be All Right | dandelionfairies | married couple - accridents - 13k Harry is performing his one night only show in LA but there are four very important people missing.

✧ The Last Song of Your Life | reminiscingintherain | famous/not famous - Rays of Sunhsine - homophobia - 21k As Harry glanced around at all of the faces, he froze as a very familiar pair of blue eyes leapt out at him. A pair of eyes that he hadn’t seen since before the One Direction bomb exploded. A pair of eyes that he never expected to see again. ~~~~ or the famous/not famous AU, with first love, miscommunication, interfering bandmates, and adorable little sisters.

✧ Her | jaerie | a/b/o - trans character - transitioning - dysphoria - anxiety - quarantine - 7k The buttery swipe of a high quality lipstick was almost a sexual experience in and of itself. This time a deep colour with purple undertones which drew out the emphasis of long, dark lashes and perfectly contoured cheekbones. It was a look for loose and styled curls, feeling the classy formal nightclub vibes reflected back from the mirror. The silky plum coloured slip dress would be perfect to debut. The tags still needed to be cut free from the new garment that hung in the closet, but tonight was the night to set it free. When Harry gets home, she can finally be who she wants to be. Letting someone else in always feels like a distant daydream to her... until it suddently isn't.

✧ Loving You's the Antidote | lululawrence | Stylinshaw - a/b/o - touch deprivation - hospitalization - soulmates - polyamory - anxiety - friends to lovers - no smut - 11k Nick and Harry had never been an obvious match. When eighteen-year-old Harry, newly presented as an omega, came home freshly bonded to Nick, a man nine years his elder and a beta no less, Anne had been more than skeptical and Eileen had shared some harsh words of her own. That didn’t deter them, though, and their families soon realised there really was something special about the bondmates that allowed them to work together almost seamlessly. It was only a few months later that Harry started getting sick. Or the one where Harry and Nick have been able to keep Harry's disorder at bay over the course of their relationship, but when they move to London and away from their support system, they find themselves in desperate need of help.

✧ Like A Neon Sign | reminiscingintherain | canon compliant - mentions of death - fluff - 8k Harry had always been perfect to Louis, through every age, through every stage, and in all the important ways, he was proud to have been able to witness the growth that Harry had experienced first-hand.

✧ We Had Everything | lightswoodmagic (sarah_writes) | exes to lovers - getting back together - famous/not famous - 3k “You know Harry’s coming, yeah?” Louis’ fingers twitched, faltering where he was straightening the knot in his tie as he tried to ignore the false nonchalance in Zayn’s voice. He had no idea how he missed the name on the invite list, how he skipped over the initials on the small gifts, didn’t notice the elegant swirl of Harry’s name inked onto an emerald green place card. Or, Louis and Harry fell apart, and Louis' never forgiven himself. He gets a second chance at Zayn and Liam's wedding.

✧ True To Your Heart | reminiscingintherain | Mulan AU - a/b/o - 13k The world was at war with itself. In the small country of Enilenif, in a tiny, often overlooked corner of the world, young Alphas were quickly signing up to fight, desperate to protect their Omegas and their country as Aidem began to attack their borders. A few defiant Omegas tried to enlist as well, but were firmly turned away with disapproving looks by the staff in the office. Harry Styles was one such Omega, sighing heavily as he kicked at a small stone on his walk home.

✧ What the Water Gave Me | larryatendoftheday | fantasy - mermaids - long distance relationship - 29k When a mermaid crawls out of the sea to listen to Harry sing, it changes everything.

✧ it’s hard for me to go home | localopa | angst - breakup - getting back together - 5k don’t call me baby again

✧ The Prince and the Thief | jaerie | Fairy Tale - a/b/o - strangers to lovers - violence - kidnapping - threats of rape/non-con - 19k Harry is an omega prince locked in a tower and Louis is the thief sent to kidnap him. Nothing turns out as planned.

✧ Up On The Shore | wordsnnotes | Eroda AU - magic - epistolary - friends to lovers - childhood friends - emotional/psychological abuse - angst - long-distance relationship - domestic violence - 34k Magic has been outlawed on Eroda ever since President Cowell came into power, and all the magic people had to go live on the island of Stonell. Things are not looking good for Harry when he finds out he's a magician and his abilities seem more and more out of control. Thankfully, his best friend Niall's mother has the idea to put him in touch with Louis, a magician boy living on Stonell. They begin a secret correspondence and drama ensues. Or: Louis hides his feelings under sarcasm, Harry is too sweet for his own sake, everyone is a rebel, the mums are amazing, Harry's dad is a jerk, and I'm struggling to make it understandable without using normal narration.

✧ this town's just an ocean now | louistomlinsons | exes to lovers - friends to lovers - summer romance - miscommunication - childhood friends - light angst - fluff - 31k “I have really great friends. Do you remember Louis? You guys were always hanging out when you were growing up.” Harry remembers Louis. Harry remembers Louis. Suddenly, his throat feels way too dry, despite the ice cream he keeps licking at. He chokes a little on a chocolate chip before saying, “I, uh. I remember Louis.” Her face brightens. “We have dinner every Sunday. He owns the house now. His parents moved further north, and he wanted to stay here, so they just gave it over. Now if you want to worry about someone being lonely, that’s who I worry about.” inspired by watermelon sugar, featuring picnics on the beach and boys being dumb

✧ I Am the Blinking Light | dearmrsawyer | ghosts - shipwreck - 19k There is a legend of a lighthouse far out to sea. It can’t be found on any map, and those who do find it never return. They say a ghost haunts the lighthouse, and you can hear it calling out in loneliness on the ocean waves.