#especially because you can see the moment john remembers where he is lmao

[with-eyes-closed]

What are you going to sing next? She Loves You.

[sacchxrine05]

Had a thought while barely conscious in bed this morning and I feel the need to exorcise it.

(tw for discussions of eating disorders like ARFID and things of that ilk)

I think about Sherlock a lot (too much) and one of the things that’s kinda captured my attention recently is his eating habits. I’m going through a rough patch with eating myself, and usually when this happens I think of ACD Sherlock saying smthn along the lines of ‘I don’t eat while working on a case, digestion slows me down.’ (that might be a BBC Sherlock thing but I can’t quite remember lmao)

I imagine YNM Sherlock is similar or the same in this case, as we rarely see him eat (off the top of my head I think he ate a cherry at the bar during A Study in S in the anime and then both a sandwich with John on the roof and the floor sandwich Milverton tried to use to humiliate them with, although that was more to prove a point than to get any sustenance from it) and at least once John has reprimanded him for not eating enough. Sherlock is also quite messy and doesn’t often see the point in cleaning as, in his mind, it’s a waste of time and he might have this view when it comes to preparing a meal to eat.

I’m pulling a lot from my own experience here, but with eating disorders like ARFID it’s hard to find motivation to eat/prepare food, and I can imagine Sherlock often feels this way when he gets into a slump between cases or something like that. And although there’s nothing to really prove that he has an aversion to certain foods due to a sensitivity in taste/texture (I imagine his senses are quite heightened in order to make some of his deductions) he probably does stick to a select few foods both because he probably can’t afford many varieties of food and also because his idea of a meal is something quick that he doesn’t have to take time out of his day to prepare.

Miss Hudson has cooked for Sherlock and John on occasion, although I don’t think this is a very regular occurrence given their dynamic. However, she probably does make something for one or both of them if she thinks he hasn’t been eating enough recently.

Sherlock probably also gets quite hyper focused on cases when they come up (even more so when the Lord of Crime pops up) and so he doesn’t always notice when he’s hungry since it’s not something he’s really thinking about. Also, smoking cigarettes can reduce your appetite and with the way Sherlock smokes he’s definitely not realising how hungry he is until he’s on the brink of starvation. Also drugs…enough said there.

Idk, I just think it’s interesting and especially with how the fandom tends to put Liam as the one who doesn’t eat enough while Sherlock is the exasperated one trying get him to eat something goddamnit. Such a dynamic isn’t exactly wrong per-say, and I believe it says in the character profiles that Sherlock gained some weight post fall, most likely thanks to Billy poking and prodding him into eating and also working regularly and therefore have more of a desire to eat, especially after taking on missions with a lot of field work. He also probably wanted to set an example for Liam so that he eats more too. And he stopped smoking and doing drugs, so that probably improved things quite a lot too.

But like anything to do with mental health and disorders, things come and go in waves and it’s likely Sherlock would have moments where he ‘relapses’ and will go a long time without eating much or just feeling generally unmotivated to make food on top of nothing really appealing to him taste-wise y’know?

I think it’s also this dumb sort-of-headcannon of mine that makes me generally less keen on art/fics that portray Sherlock as being significantly larger/broader than Liam and I don’t mean the slight difference between their figures in the official art/manga/anime I mean like a noticeable difference you know?

Cus I mean…Sherly has muscle cus of his martial arts(?) training and maintaining that through his work, but he’s also a skinny coke addict who smokes too much and eats too little, there’s not going to be an insane difference between him and Liam like some ppl like to portray, y’know?

But anyway, people will always view characters differently and do what they want with them in their fanworks, it matters very little in the end lmao

If you made it this far thank you for listening to me ramble, I hope it wasn’t too nonsensical TuT

[seasononesam]

thoughts on sam's relationship with john. i hold your opinion very high like i need to know what you think ab sam and john. s1 sam compared to lebanon sam crying when john came back to life. THOUGHTS

SORRY I know you sent this a couple of days ago and I'm just replying now I am the worst at responding to things but anyway here we go...

omg that's very kind of you to say! I really don't know where to start, this show is so expansive, especially when you start getting into the lore (tm) of john's journal and the comics and tie in novels so I feel like you could easily write an entire essay on just their relationship, not even getting into how it relates to john's relationship with dean, mary, ect. I guess I'd start by saying that while I think it's important to recognize john as a complex character and I feel like the fandom often reduces him to a very one dimensional villain, he was an abusive and neglectful father so his relationship to sam is going to be heavily based in that fact. so saying that this is probably gonna be all over the place bc I it's late here and I am not the most eloquent person and while I've seen season one a few times I have seen lebanon only once lmao.

john's view of sam feels kind of contradictory to me in a lot of ways, because he seems to know there is something "different" and possibly "bad" about sam, while also prioritizing his protection at all costs. and that is what drives so much of the conflict between them, bc sam rebels against john's very strict ideas of how he should behave (I think there was a passage in his journal about how sam rebels by acting "normal," which is abnormal in their family context). obviously this role of protector is forced on dean, which complicates the family dynamic even more since dean is often in the position of acting like a parent. so I feel like john has a lot of complicated feelings about sam, where he is terrified of losing him, but also OF him, and maybe even blames him for mary's death in a way?

getting into what we actually see on the show, john is such an interesting character in season 1 bc you don't really see him much if that makes sense. like obviously he is in the first scene of the show, but he doesn't appear again until mid season iirc and there's always this general feeling of him looming over sam and dean and how him telling sam to leave if he wanted to go to college is still holding tension in the family even 3-4 years later. but we also know that john still watched sam at stanford, which gets even more into the idea of john as a god like, all knowing figure, and also gets in to sam being surveilled and under scrutiny for so much of his life.

then we finally see john and sam interact and of course they start fighting, bc this tension has been building all season. and before it can really even be resolved john dies, and sam is left with all this grief and guilt. and not to get into my own daddy issues lmao but I think like a lot of people who are abused by a parent, sam has also a very complicated view of his father. unlike dean, sam remembers nothing about a life before mary died, he doesn't know a john who isn't on this revenge quest (not saying dean was better off bc of it, obviously a four year old isn't gonna remember a ton either). this is the world he has always known. I think he wants to love and understand his father but can't square that with how john treats him and dean. and I think sam blames himself for always being angry at his father (even if it was justified) especially after he dies. so when he comes back in season 14, even for a moment, he can't bear to really sort out his complicated feelings, he just wants to show that he loves him despite it all: "I mean, when I think about you… and I think about you a lot… I don’t think about our – our fights. I think about you… I think about you on the floor of that hospital. And I think about how I never got to say goodbye."

I guess to sum everything up and give a TLDR, it's about the parallels for me...like gabriel says in changing channels, about how sam rebels against his fathers wishes, how john is god, how everything is connected, how dean and sam have such different coping mechanisms and responses to how they were raised. idk I feel like this is just word vomit but I hope it makes SOME sense and if you have your own thoughts about sam and john and their dynamic I'd love to hear it!

[ridingtedlassosjetskimustache]

My thoughts on 3x05 - Signs

@movrings Since I was unable to post my thoughts about the episode when it first came out, here’s my thoughts on it here!!

First off, concerned for Beard, he’s been increasingly wrong with small things recently and becoming more unsure of himself, part of me thinks this might have to do with Jane and his abusive relationship with her or it could be just a gag, but I’m hoping the former is actually addressed at some point

The whole “Shite in Nining Armor” thing being just a slip of the tongue seems a little too obvious, I’m still holding out hope it’s either about Jamie or Henry because i honestly don’t see the significance of that scene unless we’re talking about the mention of “soulmates” during it

Side-note: I absolutely despise John Wingsnight and this scene just made it worse, this guy sucks and deserves to be called a shite (he’s also incredibly creepy, Rebeca you dodged a very large bullet)

Anyway, “soulmate” mentioned!!

Also, I understand why Keeley can’t pick up the phone, but it is sad to see especially later in the episode

Jumping to the boys talking about Nate and Anastasia: i love how Isaac said that Nate’s “transformation is gonna be on the inside” like it has yet to happen. Obviously, he means it in a negative way, but for the audience, we know/hope that Nate’s transformation is going to be good and lead to a reconciliation! This is especially interesting to see coupled with Nate’s plot point within this episode

All i gotta say about Zava is fuck him, but i am sad we never got to see his wife and Smingus Dingus

I love the “injured monkey” bit the guys do to guilt Trent into telling them his idea and that Roy joined in

I love how i knew it was Henry that was actually the bully - definitely wanna know what he did to Doug

Roy’s monologue, the music, *chef’s kiss* (Love the way Ted handled that too lmao)

Higgins saying they should think about firing Ted and hearing Rebecca’s gasp before he even said it actually broke my heart

THE BISCUIT BOX

Watching Rebecca get her hopes up about what Trish said is killing me and i definitely cried so much this episode - love Higgins helping her out though

Straight up thought Nate was so fucking smooth with that phone call until it clicked lmao 💀

Ok The Scene™️:

I straight up screamed at this, i was freaking out

The same dress she was wearing when she bumped into Sam??

The way that they both use inverted greetings from what they normally do “Hey Boss/Hello Ted” to “Hey Coach/Hello Rebecca”

The way that they both stop at the exact moment and turn around to look at each other before meeting each other in the middle

The way that they already know what’s going on with the other without having to say anything

They way that their lives are so in sync and mirror the other’s and they don’t even realize it, but they’re both shocked by what the other said

Also, I know it’s the same place that Sam bumped into Rebecca last season, BUT it’s also the same exact place where Ted asked Rebecca how she was holding up after her divorce in the first episode of the first season and that shit just killed me

Proud of Keeley for firing Shandy

Watching Rebecca sit in that office killed me

Also the Emergency Contact 👀 i just know that’s gonna play into what’s happening in Amsterdam (perhaps after her falling into the canal)

Going back to Ted and Rebecca - Dr. Wagner asking her how she’s holding up??? Mirroring Ted’s words to her the first time they met??? I can’t remember where, but I’m pretty sure there’s an interview where Hannah mentions how important that scene is because Ted is the first person to really ask Rebecca how she’s doing during that and you can see the shock Hannah portrays on her face perfectly - anyways I’m emotional

So grateful Jan Maas is actually spotting Colin this time and not letting him choke like the other guys did lmao

Watching Ted go from water to wine after the mention of Jake was actually so painful, but also healing isn’t linear and just because we saw him do well last episode, doesn’t mean he’s healed now

Dan is my favorite and i love this anxious man

I’m sad we never got to see what’s in Barbara’s desk drawer

Love Roy’s hype up he does with the boys

I swear Henry was avoiding Ted because he didn’t wanna tell him he was bullying a kid lmao

I FUCKING LOVE JADE

Thinking about how upset Nathan got last season when someone got his name wrong, but he got called Nathan Jelly and he wasn’t timid this time or angry, he just let it slide off - you know what that is, that’s growth

I’ll say it again - Fuck Zava

Loving the bi representation with Keeley!! I know it was mentioned in season one, but it’s great to see on screen

Nate came to A Taste of Athens after he got promoted at Richmond 😭

Anyways watching Rebecca get that call in her office and Hannah’s face journey made me actually start sobbing oh my god like get this woman therapy and let me hold her

I just know that Jade would stand up to Nate’s dad for him

Watching Roy look at Jamie approvingly actually killed me and I’m so proud he got recognized in at least a small way

Watching Ted take himself out of a panic attack!!! I was so proud of him!! He was so proud of himself!!

“Your girlfriend runs off with some dude and it turns out they were soulmates” 👀 looking at you Sam

THE SPEECH!!! WE ARE GETTING OUT OF THE DARK FOREST

[meiishu]

lthoughts on hsmtmts episode 7 under the cut

i just wanna start by saying this was my favorite episode so far!! i love the pacing and the costumes and how we got so many different character relationships interacting and helping one another out. im gonna talk about each character in their own paragraph rather than try to remember what happened when i bounce around all the time lmao

first off: my boy ricky bowen. first off, ricky stuffing his face with pizza is a solid MOOD. love that he’s just being silly and having a good time. like, in past seasons, ricky has been focused on romance, on chasing nini or finding validation through a partner. im glad that even though he has very obvious feelings for gina that he’s working through, he’s not letting that control himself. he was very selfish when it came to nini, interjecting himself into her hobby when she didn’t want him there, forcing himself as a wedge between her and EJ’s relationship, trying to win her back. then trying to control her feelings when they had their breakup in season 2.  i LOVE how ricky has grown from that, and how he’s changed his tune. with gina, he’s not being selfish. he’s looking out for her, he sees her first in the room, but he keeps his distance, because he respects her relationship with EJ. and he values their friendship. honestly, this is the arc ricky needed. i complained in the past about him and his character being too focused on romance. im glad to see his bond with carlos, and jet, and the guys and even his friendships with the girls really take center stage. EVEN WHEN HE KNEW EJ AND GINA HAD BROKEN UP, he refused to admit what he said on camera to gina. which, on the one hand, boy you better tell her because she’s gonna find out, but on the other hand, really shows ricky’s character development. rather than “jump on the oppertunity” so to speak, he feels bad about gina and EJ breaking up. because he cares about both of them. also, his salt towards EJ is real this season. i think he definitely still cares about EJ, but he’s mad that EJ isn’t giving gina the attention she deserves or treating her well. very interested to see how EJ and Ricky’s relationship will go from here, because EJ very clearly thinks/knows that Ricky has lingering feelings, and feels as though gina too has lingering feelings for ricky. 

onto my boy Elton john!!!! really loved EJs prom outfit in this episode. love his little elvis dance too!! this episode really showed me how little FUN the writers actually gave EJ this season. like, i get that he likes to be in control and is worried about the play, but he really has no chance to goof off and be silly like the others. there were a few moments this episode (early on, at the end with the ice bucket thing) where we get to see EJ actually having a good time. he was literally set up to FAIL this season and i hate it. i wish they kept miss jenn as the director and let EJ, you know, be a KID. i felt so mad when he was blowing off gina for the script and show and events. when gina had her grand entrance, he didn’t even look nearly as stunned as ricky did, which made me mad at EJ. to be honest i feel like EJ feels like gina still likes ricky, and i think he’s pushing himself away because he feels like it’s easy to blame ricky for why they aren’t working. (when gina brought up certain moments, EJ was quick to say, “i think those two moments had a person in common”, implying ricky). He’s going to blame ricky for at least some of their breakup I can already tell, especially when that footage is leaked. I wish EJ got the chance to be himself this season. the pressure from his dad, the musical, and corbin bleu really got to him and made him revert to how he was in season one -- desperate to prove himself instead of desperate to be himself. Loved his little happy moment with madison though!!! he was so glad to see her. Also, ej still hasn’t had a musical solo.... will he ever get one this season... i suppose we’ll find out. I’m a bit worried that the writers are writing him out of the main group so that he won’t be in season 4, which saddens me. 

moving to ashlyn!!! im so glad that she can be herself now. when carlos gave her that pin i literally wanted to cry. so SWEET. im so glad for ashlyn discovering a part of herself!! i did whish that big red would have made an appearance when seb did, but it would’ve thrown a lot of tension for ashlyn that i dont think she needs right now so from a writing standpoint i guess i get it. really hoping that next season she has a conversation with big red!!! also jsut because she’s bi does not mean they have to break up!!!! i KNOW for a fact big red would support his bi girlfriend. in fact i believe he too is bi. they are bi for bi and i will accept nothing less. ashlyn and carlos as best friends just warms my heart to pieces!!! i love that disney+ is showing the younger audience watching this show that while ashlyn is in a relationship and loves her boyfriend, she’s discovered she’s bi, and that’s OK. it’s not like she has to dump big red immediately and date a girl, you know? it’s just a part of her, her joining the community.

i really like how in the last few scenes of the episode, she encouraged kourtney. i remember a common critique in the early episodes was how badly ashlyn took being put in the ensemble, and here’s a moment where kourtney actually asks ashlyn to take her place she she refuses, encouraging her friend instead! I LOVE the friendship between all of the girls. when she started the therapy song for Kourtney it was so sweet! and kourntey’s moment climbing the rock wall was so good, too. I have a feeling next episode is going to have a lot of kourtney-focus, and I am SO READY for it. i want to see her excel as elsa. i want to see her belt let it go so bad. 

also, that moment when maddox and EJ were talking about madison and ej says, “so you didnt get distracted by any of the girls this summer” and maddox was staring at ashlyn??? I CALLED IT! DID I NOT CALL THAT MADDOX HAD A THING FOR ASHLYN!!! I DID!! 

jet and maddox really shone this episode. I love their musical number -- that weird 70s remix wouldn’t change a thing was a bop idc what anyone says. i love that jet reached out to madison. it really gave maddox the opportunity to really talk to madison, get some closure, and maybe even some hope for the future. also JOJO SIWA!!!!! i love that maddox and jet are moving towards a more understanding relationship. I’m also glad that, while maddox’s texts were exposed to their parents, their parents biggest concern was her ‘texting after midnight’. it makes me think that jet didn’t result in anything super negative for her... like forcibly outing her/getting her in trouble, stuff like that. and that maddox’s anger (totally justified) was just about her messages and relationship being exposed and not about any punishment she received for it. ALSO we have answers, people!! maddox is older! 

lastly i want to give my girl gina a section!!! she was absolutely glowing when she and the other girls burst into the scene at prom. i feel so bad for her. gina was so ready to have a good summer with the guy who was always there, and then... he’s never there. feels like their relationship, which we saw built up in season 2, crashed. im glad gina was the dump-er. she deserved to put her foot down about feeling unappreciated and unloved. gina is in for a wild ride next episode i bet -- when she finds out the truth about what ricky said. i loved gina’s moments with maddox, gina, kourtney, and ashlyn. when ashlyn said “you know you’re one of us now right” to maddox, it was so sweet. i love their friendship so much. i hope that when kourtney is struggling with the show next week, gina is able to help her out as her sister-on-stage!! frankly, gina deserves to be focused on having fun outside of her relationship (lackthereof) right now because shes been trying so hard meanwhile EJ has been giving her like, 40 percent effort. 

and lastly, my thoughts on the ships still remain: while I do love portwell, i think EJ will have to fight 110 percent for gina to prove to her that his heart is still in the relationship. sadly, i feel like EJ has already given up the second ricky came to came. and i feel like ricky is just fighting more for gina. like i said, not against portwell or rina, but i have a feeling we are heading towards rina in the finale. while i still like the idea of jet/ricky and my bisexual ricky arc, i dont think it’ll be happening this season (perhaps next season)?. BUT!!!! MADDOX AND ASHLYN!!!! my new ship. well, not new. but i really like them. I still love big red though and would only accept maddox/ashlyn developing farther than maddox’s onesided crush if big red got his own arcs/developments and wasnt just mentioned in passing. 

ALSO!!!! SEBASTIAN AND CARLOSSSSS! SEBLOOOOOS!!!!! I was sooo happy when i saw sebastian!!! and i loved carlos taking a chance and doing the bucket challenge. also EJ’s supportive “we dont’ do hazing. you do what you’re comfortable doing” was really nice. i want more of EJ supporting the others instead of stressing them out. 

also, sebastian interrupting ej and gina with “ELTON JOHN!!?!” killed me. like read the room seb  

this got a lot longer than i thought, but i just had a lot of thoughts about this episode i guess. 

[elliebartlets]

veronica mars rewatch 1x03: meet john smith

• Duncan slowly putting the earbud back in his ear while his dad drones on about his future lol

• also I would not be able to swim in that pool ever again knowing my sister died there but hey to each their own

• referencing hilary duff lmao

• oh god I thought Veronica and Duncan were actually hooking up lol

• 🎶 A LONG TIME AGO WE USED TO BE FRIENDS 🎶

• will never not be over this theme song

• oh wait I remember this episode! This nerdy kid who works at the video store wants Veronica to find his dad but it turned out his dad transitioned and is now a woman. Like the woman who just went up to him and thanked him for the movie recommendation is actually his dad and he’s been visiting the store as an excuse to see him or something

• anyway remember video stores? they are a blip in my memory

• did Duncan mean to drop the pill down the drain?

• this Justin kid is reminding me of one of the brothers from Malcolm in the Middle but he’s not in that so I’m just guessing every teen white boy in early 00s tv shows looked like this lol

• wait the Kane’s got rid of their dog because she peed on the flower bed???

“It’s been 6 years when are you going to let this go?”

Uh what? If I were Duncan I’d be pissed.

• omg noo Justin thinks his dad is dead but is pretending he ran away so he can get close with Veronica…little does he know his shit’s gonna be rocked

• like imaging being like “I’m lying to get with a girl” only for it to end with “wait…my dad’s not dead??? and he’s a woman?!?”

• I’ve remembered 2 lines from this episode verbatim: the “Wallace is a friend of mine. Take that high school guidance counselor” and “the hero is the one who stays and the villain is the one who splits.”

• wouldn’t Keith expect Veronica to try and find out where her mom is staying??? Like she had her mom’s license plate, of course she’s gonna track her down.

• the dude playing Duncan is not a good actor

• ok i take (kinda) that back. the way he handed Logan back the flask and then went running and yelling to jump off the bleachers was kinda hilarious

• doesn’t Keith end up dating the guidance counselor?

• I mean this is pretty progressive for the time, having a transgender character on tv, but he’s still a shit dad for not maintaining a relationship with his son. I mean I would understand if Justin’s mom didn’t let his dad see him, but to me it seems like the dad transitioned and divorced the mom and then went on to live his life with someone else. Not great of the mom to tell her son his dad’s dead either. Neither of them are winning parents of the year.

• but also not me tearing up at Veronica’s “Ninety miles. It’s the distance your dad travels every week to see you for a few seconds” and how she’d do anything for her mom to do something like that

• I literally do not understand Veronica’s mom’s problem. like that woman being like “you’re all she cares about” ok then why has she abandoned her child for 8 months!!! i mean jesus christ the worst thing that happened was that she doesn’t have the same social status and income!! that’s when you stick it out not abandon your husband and especially not your teenage daughter!!! ugh it makes me so mad!!

• I’m sure there’s something I’m forgetting or missing but I don’t wanna know I like not knowing stuff it makes rewatching more interesting

• overall rating 8.5/10.

the transgender stuff was ahead of its time. the plot twist with the kid finding out his dad actually is alive. the moment with Veronica tearing up and asking “doesn’t she care about me?” when she goes to find her mom and she isn’t there. plus the Duncan hallucination/depression stuff was interesting.

[babybluebex]

good doctor kreizler ch. 2: book of revelations

summary ↠ sequel to good doctor kreizler // the case of the murdered boys continues, and you're suddenly overcome with terrible emotions for seemingly no reason. but laszlo knows why. pairing ↠ laszlo kreizler x fem!reader (y/n) word count ↠ 3.3k warnings ↠ explicit language, mentions of menstruation, nausea, and pregnancy, descriptions of violence against children (yknow how the alienist works lmao) a/n ↠ enjoy! masterlist/taglist in bio!

You sighed heavily and pressed your palm to your diaphragm. Your corset was causing more discomfort than usual, but you could look past it. There were deeds that needed to be done. You stood up from your chair and moved to the telephone on the wall, and you caught the side-long glance that an officer gave you. Perhaps it was some sort of confidence that being with Laszlo gave you, but you found yourself saying, “Can I help you, sir?”

“D’ya need help with that telephone?” the man asked, puffing at a cigarette. The smell of it made you feel ill, especially the way he blew it nearly directly at you. “It can be awfully difficult for a lady.”

You gave him a plantative smile, and you said, “I can manage. Thank you, though.”

“You sure?” he asked. “Because I’d be more than happy to oblige you.”

“Really,” you said, taking up the end of the telephone. “I can do it.”

The man took a step closer, and he placed a hand on your waist. “You think, because you work for the police, you can be a bitch?” he hissed. “If a gentleman offers you help, you take it.”

The door to the room swung open, and you turned to see your lover there, wearing your favorite emerald-green suit and black coat. Laszlo was a gift from the gods, for sure. He made sure you knew that you were worthy of what you were given in the world, and he strived to give you more. Every time he presented you with a new dress or necklace, you always kissed him to show your gratitude, but reminded him that such gifts were not necessary. “You’re the only thing I ask for,” you would remind him. You knew that the thought of it troubled the good doctor, that he was worried that he wasn’t enough, but, every night, you kissed his shoulder and arm and assured him that he was more than what you deserved. You trusted Laszlo with your body, soul, mind, and heart, and he did the same of you.

Which is why you were thankful for the little fibs he would tell every so often to save face. “I would greatly appreciate it if you removed your hand from my wife,” Laszlo said firmly, his accent stronger than usual; his German gravel was intimidating to those who only knew him from stories in the newspaper. “New York’s finest and all…”

The officer took a step back from you, and Laszlo moved closer to you. “What do I owe this visit, sweetheart?” you asked, pressing your hands to his chest. Laszlo bent down and swiped his lips along your cheek, and you felt yourself grow warm at his unusual display of public affection.

“You left a file at home,” Laszlo said. “I remember you talking about transcribing it.”

You cooed softly, and Laszlo reached into his coat and extracted the file folder for you. “You’re so good,” you told him. “What can I do to repay you? I’m sure I’m making you late to the Institute.”

Laszlo tilted his head as he thought, and he put his hand on your waist, right where the officer had put his. Laszlo was hardly a jealous man, but the moments where his mood matched his suit made you giggle. He was a world-renowned alienist, but he was truly just a teenage boy in mind and matter. “Let me take you to dinner tonight,” Laszlo said, and you groaned. “And the opera. Please, my beloved, just one night.”

“Las, I told you, I don’t like when you spend your money on me,” you grumbled. “Just, please. I’m perfectly happy taking dinner at home. In fact, I prefer it more!”

“More than Delmonico’s?” Laszlo asked. “What if I invited John and Sara and the Isaacsons?”

“No, Laszlo,” you giggled, and you pressed your thumb into the little dimple in his chin. “The problem certainly will not be solved by adding more people. Can we just stay home tonight and listen to an opera on the gramophone? We’ve both been working very hard lately, I’d just like a simple night with you.”

“A simple night,” Laszlo said softly, pulling the words around in his mouth. “My beloved, I am not a simple man.”

“Boy, that’s the truth,” you chuckled, and you moved from his grip to return to your desk. “Maybe next week, we can go to the opera. Alright?”

Laszlo chuckled lightly, and he tugged you close and laid a kiss on your forehead. “Whatever you’d like, my beloved,” he told you. “When can I expect you at the Institute?”

You pulled Laszlo’s left arm up to your face and looked at his watch, ticking away at half noon, and you said, “Around three or so. Would you mind having some tea ready for when I get there? I’m feeling plain awful today.”

“What’s wrong?” Laszlo asked, and you smiled at the sudden emergence of Dr. Kreizler. While his degree wasn’t exactly in physical medicine, he always liked to be the first to examine you for maladies if they arose.

“Oh, nothing,” you sighed, waving your hand dismissively. “Just a bit of a stomach ache. I assume it’s nearing that time of the month for me, Las, you know how I get.”

“Of course,” Laszlo said softly. “You know, you could have just told me that’s why you didn’t want to eat at Delmonico’s tonight.”

You looked around quickly, finding the small space empty void for you and your lover, and you carefully took the furred lapel of Laszlo’s coat between your fingers and tugged him close, close enough for you to smell the lavender pastile that he liked so much. “Truly, my reason was more than that,” you whispered. “I wanted you to ravage me tonight, for as long as we both can bear.”

You almost missed the way that Laszlo’s breath hitched in his throat, but you were glad you noticed it. “It is getting to be that time, isn’t it?” he said carefully. “Increase in libido is a common side effect of menstruation.”

You hummed softly and pressed your fingers to his cheek. “I love it when you talk like that,” you said. “You’re so wonderfully smart, Las, I wish you wouldn’t be ashamed to show it.”

“I’m not,” Laszlo said. “You just choose to ignore my intelligence.”

“Now, why in the world would I do that?” you laughed. “You ought to be getting to the Institute. I’ll see you shortly.”

Laszlo gave you a warm smile and kissed your cheek, and you felt yourself shiver at his lips. God, you could hardly believe how much you loved him. You felt your stomach flutter, and you heaved a sigh. “I love you,” Laszlo said softly, and he brushed a lock of your hair behind your ear. “I’ll see you soon, my beloved.”

You fixed your jaw and swallowed down the ungodly feeling in your throat. Something was wrong, you could tell. The usual air of the parlor was not there, the cheerful if slightly remorseful lightness. Instead, the parlor was overtaken with a heady sadness that completely outweighed the macabre curiosity.

“Laslzo,” you said quickly, dropping your briefcase by the table, and you joined your lover at the window. He was smoking his pipe, something you had only ever seen him do a handful of times before, and you immediately ran your hand soothingly down his back. “What’s happened?”

“Another body,” Laszlo mumbled. “Another child.”

You bristled. “But-But I thought we had figured it out? The murderer followed Catholic holy days?”

“That was a suitable theory at the time,” Laszlo said. His gaze was fixed to the outside world through the murky glass, and you looked around the room. John was sitting at the long table, absently sketching something, and Sara was studying the chalkboard that was covered in Laszlo’s neat script. “But he’s gone off schedule, and we might as well be back where we started.”

“Not really,” you said softly. “I mean, so he jumped ahead a few days. If the body bears the same marks, if the victim is the same as the others, I don’t see why a change in date--”

“Of course you don’t,” Laszlo scoffed, and he stepped away from you.

You were stunned silent, and you watched Laszlo move back to the table with the heaps of paperwork. “What does that mean?” you asked.

“You’re not looking at the entire picture,” Laszlo said sharply. “You’re only focused on the way he changed the date, not the why. Why did he change his schedule, why is there another body weeks ahead of the next holy day? Now we have to be concerned if it’s even the same murderer. Is it a copycat murderer that hasn’t pinned down the schedule as we have? There are many moving parts to this that you don’t seem to comprehend.”

“Las, I do see that,” you countered. The way he doubted you stung your chest, but that was Laszlo. When he was angry, he lashed out. You had come to accept him, even if the words he said truly hurt. You saw Sara turn to look at you, a hint of pity in her blue eyes, and you sighed. “Look, do we have records of the new victim’s body? Perhaps that will give us insight.”

“Yes,” John said quickly, not even giving Laslzo a chance to answer and cut your feelings even deeper. Why had his admonitions hurt so much more than usual? You were afraid that, if he spoke to you like that again, you would start crying. And then they would be right, everybody would be right: a woman was too delicate to handle crimes like this. “I visited the morgue as soon as I heard. I sketched what I could manage, and took notes of everything else.”

You moved around to join John at the other side of the table, choosing to ignore Laszlo. You could feel his eyes follow you as you bent towards John to look at his sketches, and your eyes followed the charcoal lines of a young boy. Like the others, his eyes were plucked out, his throat slit, and his hand cut off, but a few errant marks on the boy’s stomach made you tilt your head. “What’s this?” you asked, gently tracing the lines with your finger. Soot of the charcoal came off on your fingertip, but you paid little attention to it.

“Our murderer made gashes in the boy’s stomach,” John said. “This one--” he pointed to a particular line, “Was deep enough to view the intestines. Four in total, but they don’t seem to follow a pattern.”

“Everything follows a pattern, John,” Laszlo said quickly. “We just haven’t found it yet.”

“Four…” you mumbled. “And this sketch is accurate to scale?” John nodded, and your eyes studied it for a moment longer. Four of them, two of them a bit shorter than the others. Those two were situated at the bottom of the boy’s belly, right where the V of his hip bones would be, and the one of them was at the top, just under his breastbone. The fourth, the biggest, longest, deepest, was straight down the middle, bisecting the boy’s navel.

Your vision became blurred. Your breath came in gasps, and you felt dizzy. A terrible sickness crawled up your throat, and you pressed the back of your hand to your mouth to stop the flow of vomit. Vomit. You never vomited, not even when you had viewed past victims’ bodies in person. The smell of corpses wasn’t even enough to make you ill, but your heart quickened when you cast another glance to the sketch.

You fell into a chair besides John, and you gasped, “I think I’m gonna be sick--”

Sara came to clutch your hand in an instant, and John hurried to hide the sketch. “Las,” you mumbled. “Can you get me some water, sweetheart?”

“I’d rather stay here with you,” Laszlo said quickly. Your other hand was filled by his, and you cast a glance upwards at him. Now, instead of the tepid malice that he had had in his eyes, he had complete worry.

“I’ll get you some water,” John said. “Laszlo, watch over her. I’ll be back.”

“What happened?” Sara asked. “You started to sway and turned a ghostly pale. Did you see something?”

“J-Just those gashes,” you mumbled. “They-They looked like scars my mother had.”

“Scars?” Laszlo asked. “What do you mean?”

You sniffled, and took your hands from both grasps to wring in your lap. “I was born via Cesarean section,” you said. “M-My mother had been sick and fragile since before she was pregnant with me, and her doctor advised against natural childbirth. She had a scar right down the middle of her stomach in the same fashion as the body… A-And, when I was still in school, a doctor found a series of tumors in her ovaries. It had spread through the rest of her, but the doctor tried to combat it by removing the original tumors, and… The scars on his waist match the ones my mother had. I-I just-- Why would the murderer give this poor boy a woman’s scars?”

Laszlo bristled at this. You hardly ever mentioned your family, or him his, and he knelt down in front of you. “There’s something more than that,” he said softly. “My beloved, please speak to me. What’s troubling you?”

You chewed your bottom lip, and you gave a gasp as you tried to steady your breathing. “Sara,” you mumbled. “Can you give us a moment?”

Sara squeezed your hand and nodded, and she quickly excused herself. You waited until the door closed fully before sobbing and leaning forward to rest your head against your knees. “I’m sorry, Las,” you mumbled. “I-I just-- I can’t bear the sight of that today. I’ve felt ill all day, and now all of this, it’s far too much for me right now.”

You had nearly forgotten that you had requested tea earlier in the day, and you watched Laszlo rise from his knee and retrieve the tea cup. He quickly took note of your quivering hands, and he lifted the porcelain tea cup to your mouth. You sipped at it, hoping that it might soothe you, and you wiped your tears from your cheeks. “Laszlo, what’s wrong with me?” you sniffled. “I-I’ve never done this before, why now?”

“You already said that you feel ill,” Laszlo said carefully. “Maybe the sight of the body and the state of it was a shock to your system. Has the nausea passed?”

You shook your head quickly. The ugly feeling of it still sat in the very back of your throat, and you reached out for him. Laszlo set the tea cup aside and came to you, and you buried your face in his stomach from where you sat. Your arms circled his waist and you held him tightly, and you keened up into his hand as he began to stroke your hair.

Suddenly, Laszlo began to move with quickness, pulling you to your feet. You hardly had time to ask what he was doing before his fingers began to undo the back of your blouse. “Laszlo!” you cried. “What in the world are you doing?”

“Trust me, my beloved,” Laszlo said quickly. With his one arm tight to his body, he pulled your blouse off of you, then started at your corset. That sick feeling back came, and you reached forward and braced yourself against the table. Your head hung as you tried to control your nausea, and you whimpered, “Laszlo, what is this?”

Your lover gave a growl, one of deep frustration, and he grabbed your corset by the bottom hem and shoved it down your body, past your waist, to expose your breasts and stomach. You couldn’t help but sigh at the release of pressure on your middle, and Laszlo turned you around to see your bare skin. He knelt down in front of you and pressed his forehead against your stomach, and you watched him close his eyes and take a deep breath. You hardly understood what he was doing, but, if the half year courting him was any indication, he knew what was best. “When was the last time you menstruated?” Laszlo asked, next pressing his cheek to your bare stomach.

Your hand instinctively went to cradle his cheek, and you shrugged. “Several months ago,” you said. “I… They come and go, I suppose. Is that normal?”

“And your breasts?” Laszlo asked next, and you grimaced.

“What’re you getting at?” you asked.

“My beloved,” Laszlo said carefully, and he looked up at you from his place on the floor. His dark eyes were glistening with tears, and your heart sank and adrenaline rushed bitterly into your mouth.

“Stop,” you whispered. “Laszlo, no, I-I’m not-- I can’t be--”

“I think you are, beloved,” Laszlo said. He stood up and shucked off his suit jacket, and he laid it across your shoulders to hide your body from the cold room. “I think that you’re pregnant, my beloved. That would explain every malady you have: the aches, the irritability, the nausea, the delicateness, the increase in libido. Pregnancy offers an explanation for all of these.”

Your eyes filled with tears again, but a smile came with them. “You…” you started, and you sent a weak punch to Laszlo’s firm chest. “You absolute bastard!”

Laszlo laughed and tugged you into him, and you hugged him tightly. Laszlo, your wonderful Las, the father of your child. “Oh, my beloved,” he sighed, kissing the side of your head. “How did I not see it before?”

“Men can tend to be blind to such things,” you said. “But I feel as if a special blockade is up for you when it concerns me.”

“I agree,” Laszlo said. His hand came up to rest against your face, and you leaned into his touch. “My dearest girl…” he hummed, and he leaned into you and pressed his lips to yours. You pressed back, letting a smile grace your lips. “Marry me, my beloved.”

It was hardly even a question. “Of course, Las,” you said softly. “How could I say no to you? It would ruin your reputation, having a child out of wedlock.”

“Thta's true,” Laszlo shrugged. “But I think you would want to marry me regardless.”

“How dare you act as if you know what I want,” you said, but you kissed the tip of his nose anyway. “But, yes, Laszlo. I would love to marry you. Mrs. Kreizler… Is that something you ever thought you’d hear?”

“Not from you,” Laszlo chuckled. “I never thought that you would want the burdens of marriage. In fact, I distinctly remember you telling me that upon our first meeting.”

“How could you manage any thought during that interaction?” you giggled. “If what you told me was true, you were quite distracted that day.”

Laszlo gave a soft little grunt, and he snuffled his face into your neck. “Yes, well, a man has to learn to multitask,” he said. “Oh my God, I cannot begin--”

The door to the parlor banged open, and you hurried to cover yourself. “Marcus,” Laszlo said firmly. “Give us a moment, will you?”

“Doc, this is pretty important--”

“I am having a private conversation with my fiancée, Mr. Isaacson,” Laszlo said, his voice rising just a bit. “You can tell me whatever you wish as soon as I finish this conversation.”

You looked over your shoulder to the younger Isaacson twin, and your face grew hot when your shoulder slipped from the jacket. Marcus’s eyes went wide for a moment, then he put his hands up in a plantation gesture. “Right,” he said quickly. “Um, sorry, Doc. I’ll be--”

“Do hurry it up, Marcus,” you said, pulling your fiancé’s jacket tight around you. “The sooner you leave, the sooner you can return.”

You watched Marcus leave the room and shut the heavy door behind him, and you scoffed and dissolved into giggles. You buried your face into Laslzo’s warm chest and kissed just over his heart, and you sighed. “I’d love to speak more about this at home,” you said. “I love you to absolute death, Laszlo.”

“And I love you more,” Laszlo said softly.

[sortasirius]

“Inherit the Earth” and the Fakeout

Absolutely genius.  Amazing, iconic, legendary, something only our showrunner Andrew Dabb can pull off.

"But Lilly, the episode was so bad!  It was just the brothers, they didn’t look for Cas and Eileen!”

YES.  THAT IS EXACTLY THE POINT.  THIS WAS A FAKE ENDING, THE END OF THE SEASON, NOT OF THE SERIES.

Let’s get into it.

An empty world.  No one left but Sam, Dean, and Jack.

So Dean ran, he somehow managed to pick himself up off the floor of the dungeon and meet up with Sam and Jack.  That jacket was this silent reminder.  Remember what I’ve been saying, Cas has occupied the negative space all season, this is no exception.

Dean can’t look either of them in the face, he’s doing that thing, where his eyes move everywhere BUT where he should look. 

“I couldn’t save anybody.”

Sam couldn’t save the world and Dean couldn’t save the one person that means the world to him.

“Where’s Cas?”

“Dean?”

I think it’s there, in that pause where Dean tries to push down the emotions, continue the fight, not think about the memories he left in the bunker, that Jack realizes what must have happened. Jack is the only one that knows about the deal, he has to know what Cas not being there must mean.

“He saved me.  Billie was coming after us.  Cas summoned the Empty.  It took her...and took him.  Cas is gone.”

This may shock you, but I am GLAD they didn’t talk about Cas, especially with what happens at the end of the episode.  Cas is allowed to just take up unsaid space.  It’s obvious he’s missing with the way they blocked things, obvious he’s missing here.  This whole “oh well they don’t care about Cas because they didn’t talk about him”?  Malarkey.

“Jack I’m sorry.”

Guilt.  Regret.  Pain.  Dean will carry this with him for the rest of his life.  Not only that he lost Cas, but that Sam lost Cas, that Jack lost Cas.

That SHOT, with the distance between Jack and Sam where Cas is SUPPOSED TO BE, and then a zoom out to...THE WORLD.

Okay, as usual, Bucklemming has the subtlety of a sledgehammer lmao.

Jack crying???  Praying to Cas????  Bruh?????

Also it’s just straight-up frightening for everything around my boy to die he is my baby son.

Also not to point out the incredibly obvious, but Dean starts drinking immediately, and continues drinking throughout the whole episode.  Grief arc 2.0 babey.

“We can what, Dean?  There’s no one left to save!  Everybody’s gone!”

“You can’t just give up.”

“What other choice do we have!”

Idk why, but for Sam, who’s the constant, the one who’s always had hope, through everything, through all these years, when he finally says this, when he finally loses his hope?  It hits the hardest.  Sam is the leader, so not only is he grieving the loss of Eileen, he is a general grieving the loss of his soldiers, his friends, the world that he feels the duty to save.

When they go to meet Chuck, I just can’t get that image of Dean, leaning against the car, handprint still on his jacket, staring at the ground out of my head.  It takes him a few seconds to catch up to Sam, like he’s pulled out of thoughts like deep dark water.  Remember friends, it doesn’t have to be loud to be powerful.

Chuck wearing BLACK?  FEAR.

“That’s right, the whole Cain and Abel thing.  Us dead, whatever.  I’ll kill Sam, Sam’ll kill me, we’ll kill each other.  Okay, you pick.  But first?  You gotta put everything back the way it was.  The people, the birds...Cas.  You gotta bring him back.”

Willing to kill his brother.  Willing to die.  Tears in his eyes, begging God to bring Cas back.

And Chuck?  Chuck doesn’t care about their surrender, he knows he’s already got them beaten.  He cares about their pain, he cares about them suffering, because to him?  That’s the entertainment.  He’s not entertained by their found family, by their happiness, by their joy.  He wants them to suffer, all of them.

“Eternal shame.  Suffering.  And loneliness.”

And he leaves them with just that.  No hope, no family, just the three of them, broken, alone.  Jack locked in his bedroom, Sam trying desperately to make life “normal” again.  And Dean.  Dean who drank so much he passed out on the floor.

He doesn’t feel terrific, he feels like shit, because not only is he dealing with the shame of an empty planet, he’s dealing with the guilt of being back in the place where the Empty took Cas.

This whole thing with the dog was just absolutely heartwrenching shit and if I didn’t hate Chuck before, him snapping Miracle right in front of an already fragile Dean would seal that deal.

I just want everyone to know that this is a Jake Abel stan account.

“Daddy’s boy” is a big insult for my boy Dean to use considering his own past with his trash abusive father but I’ll allow it.

I do think it’s interesting, ending of his arc aside, that Michael is willing to help them now.  What changed?  Sure, he ended up trying to help Chuck, running back to his father, but why get back in the game?  I wonder if it has anything to do with the loss of Adam.  It’s an interesting parallel, a man loses his angel while an angel loses his human.

Everything is so DARK in the Bunker now too, even the lighting is loud.

When I tell you I lost my shit when I saw Cas was calling Dean, when I heard Misha’s voice??  I knew it didn’t make any sense but I didn’t care, I would’ve been one step behind Dean as he sprinted towards the door.

Fuck you, Eugenie.

I mean it’s torture not only to Dean, who looks beyond fucking crushed when it’s damn Lucifer at the door, but for us too.  Who the FUCK wanted Lucifer back?  And to tease Cas???  Garbage.

I mean...fam.  Listen, we know who’s writing this episode, this whole Betty thing is just like blatantly unnecessary but again, Eugenie loves Lucifer, gotta distract her with a shiny toy lmao.

It was cool to see Michael and Lucifer onscreen together.  It was a cool dynamic that we rarely got to see.

The whole episode is just twist after twist.  Listen, it’s their last episode so I guess they needed to fit in a season worth of twists in one episode.

Bye Lucifer.  We know Eugenie can’t bring him back.  Blessings to all.

This scene with Adam is the FOURTH scene where Dean is drinking...big yikes to my guy’s liver.

Here’s the thing about Michael.  He’s a mirror for Dean in season 5.  Loyal to an absent father.  He has never changed, but Dean has.  Dean is able to acknowledge now, the trauma that his father put him through, he was able to move past the need for pleasing him at any cost.  Michael and Chuck?  Are John and Dean, if Dean had never been allowed to grow.  And Chuck proves, like John did, that he would always put his wants (in John’s case “the mission”) over his children.

Also not to beat a dead horse but Michael’s death was also peak Eugenie.

Sam getting to punch Chuck in the face?  Thank you, he deserves that.

Obviously I don’t love any scene of my boys getting brutally beaten.  But what I love, what I will always love about them, is what Chuck hates about them:  they won’t ever give up.  They know they won’t win against him, they don’t even land any hits, but that’s not what matters.  What matters is their controller doesn’t control them anymore, that they really are free.  No matter how hard they get hit, the get back up.  It is their choice to stand up to him, no matter the cost.

The moment where Sam and Dean are supporting each other, covered in blood, and they look God in the face, and they laugh.  That is why I will love them unconditionally for the rest of my life.  That is who they are, they will never cow to the villain, whether that’s Azazel or Alastair or Zachariah or Lucifer or Amara or Death or Metatron or Cain or God.  They will always choose to stand up.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Because.  You lose.”

Chills.  What a line.

And Chuck is left, small, human, no longer a villain, no longer anything.

Gotta be real, woulda been nice to, idk, not see all this essential plot in a flashback, but I know I can only ask so much of Bucklemming.

For Dean to walk away from killing Chuck, right after he’s called him “the ultimate killer” is quite simply the most beautifully heartwrenching thing I could ever ask for.  Because that’s who Dean was under Chuck, that’s who Chuck wanted him to be.

And he would have before:

But he’s heard some things since then, heard some things about how others see him.  Not as the killer, not as a monster, not as angry and broken or his daddy’s blunt instrument:

I’m not saying that Dean doesn’t kill Chuck for Cas.  He doesn’t kill Chuck because he doesn’t think he has to anymore, he doesn’t kill Chuck because he listened to Cas, he took Cas’ words to heart.  He made the choice not to be the killer.

“See that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are.”

And Chuck is angry, because he thought, after everything, even after losing, that he would still know Dean well enough to know that he would kill him.  But Chuck has never really known Dean, he has never understood where he’s really come from.  Cas understood, Sam and Jack understand, but Chuck never did, and writing off Dean as angry and broken is his biggest mistake, because that’s never been Dean.

“It’s not his power anymore.”

And it’s not just his physical power, it’s his power over the story, over the boys that’s the real power taken from him.

For Jack to be the one to bring everyone back, for him to be the hero of the story?  That’s poetic right there.  Now, I will say, I don’t think this story ends with him as God, because for him, the child, to take on this burden, it doesn’t make a ton of sense to me for his arc, but we shall see next week.  It felt pretty tied up, but there’s one major loose end: and that’s Jack seeing Cas again.

“Just you and me, going wherever the story takes us.  Just us.”

“Finally free.”

This doesn’t feel triumphant to me, it doesn’t feel like relief.  It feels like they’ve settled, like this is the best they’re going to get, so they might as well make the best of it, at least they have each other.

For Cas and Jack to be carved into the table?  I cry.

And for the montage, very similar to “Swan Song” to be set to “Runnin on Empty”?  Sorry but that’s just too sus to be ignored.

They packaged this episode as an ending, because for many, it might be.  The season’s story, the season about fighting Chuck is over.  So, you might be asking (or, well, screaming, judging by my replies lol), what’s left?  And that’s a good question, Chuck has been defeated, so what is left?  What’s left is what’s really mattered all season: the relationships that have been crafted over the years.  Dean and Sam’s unhappiness at the end of the episode, where “just you and me” sounded more of a grudging acceptance than anything else, is one of the clues that has to be looked at.  Why didn’t Sam find Eileen, why didn’t Jack bring back Cas?  Those two characters specifically are the ones we need to watch out for.  As I’ve said over and over again, peace, contentment, satisfaction, those don’t come from Sam and Dean on the open road together anymore.  They have a family, more of a family than they did when they started hunting together all those years ago, and that family is what holds them together.  They need each other, of course, but each other isn’t enough anymore.  Sam needs Eileen, Dean needs Cas.  That is where they will find their peace.

This episode, as many written by Bucklemming was sloppy, rushed, packed full of shit, and had little gems that we can talk about forever, but that was the end of the season, and next week?  Andrew Dabb brings us home, where Dean and Sam will finally be able to choose what they want for themselves, and that, my friends, is Eileen and Cas.

[interact-if]

Day 2 of Pride Month interviews! You know them, you love them…. give it up for Ames!

Ames, author of Attollo and Metamorphosis

Pride Month Featured Authors

“…and it was a singular, terrible thought, which burrowed itself into your mind like an engorged maggot. This was not a man nor a monster. This was a concept, an ideology, a terrible myth, which had personified itself to stand before you now.You were, to put it simply, screwed.”

After several years of radio silence, you receive a message from your younger sibling that carries a strange sense of urgency to it. Either out of familial concern or boredom, you embark on a journey from your residence to your sibling’s apartment in New Hampshire to see what’s going on and, hopefully, be home before the weekend.

Too bad it’s never so simple.

Demo: Attollo, Metamorphosis (TBA)

Tags: cybernoir, thriller

(INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT UNDER THE CUT!)

Q1: Tell us a little bit about your project(s)!

Attollo is a cyber-noir horror set in a walled city off the coast of the Atlantic that’s been a victim of a nuclear disaster. After several years of radio silence, you receive a message from your younger sibling that carries a strange sense of urgency to it. Either out of familial concern or boredom, you embark on a journey from your residence to your sibling’s apartment in New Hampshire to see what’s going on and, hopefully, be home before the weekend. Too bad it’s never so simple. Attollo is a 17+ game that deals with heavy topics and a lot of moral questioning; from cults to corrupt government, it has no shortage of monsters in the dark—both metaphorical and literal.

Metamorphosis is a crime/horror story based in the world of crime scene cleanup, where there are three simple steps: Get the call, clean the scene, and don’t ask too many questions. These are the rules that you live by under the employment of Noctua’s Crime Scene Services, and you credit them for keeping you alive.

However, after a routine house call brings forth nightmares of memories that are not your own, you find yourself pulled deeper into Noctua—a city of both monster and man—in a bid to find out the truth behind the murder of Deirdre Callow, and better yet, how her memories came to be yours. Your job mandates that you don’t dig too deep—but could this finally be the exception?

Metamorphosis is 18+ and will have explicit content; follow the last moments of a stranger to find out not only who took her life, but how this connects to the underbelly that Noctua works so hard to hide.

Q2: Why interactive fiction? What drew you to the medium?

Lmaoo, oh man. I think it really all began last summer when I first found examples of interactive fiction. I don’t even remember how I came across it, it might’ve been that I saw it mentioned in a post or I saw it as a tag on Itch.io, but at some point, last summer I began to investigate it more. I think what really drew me in was the ability for the player to control the narrative; it was like playing an old RPG, but modernized, and the fact that I could see a story unfold that was influenced by my decisions was so fascinating to me. Not to mention that IF allows so much more character depth than regular novels, in my opinion.

I’m 99% sure my first exposure to interactive fiction was through the game Crème de la Crème (a fantastic game, by the way) and I just enjoyed it so much that I went haywire for the genre. Then Temple of the Endless Night came out (another fantastic game that I’m looking forward to!), and that was really the turning point for inspiring me to give it a go. Now, almost a year later, here I am working on my own two games!

Q3: Are your characters influenced by your identity? How?

My bisexuality doesn’t have much of a major influence on the game, but I do think it contributed to the way that I view and write relationships. I figured out my sexuality around high school (I kissed a girl in high school and found out I liked it just as much as when I kissed a boy) and since then I’ve been very involved in the LGBTQ+ community of both my hometown and uni town.

I think this involvement, like being able to hear about other people’s experiences and share my own, has made me feel a lot more comfortable writing some of the characters in the game. Although Attollo and Metamorphosis both don’t focus heavily on relationships (both have murder in them, which I feel is a bit more pressing), I do keep the option for any RO’s to be romanced by anyone, regardless of gender or preference, because that’s simply what I’ve become so attuned to. In terms of side characters relationships as well, I think my involvement and my own experiences have allowed me to write far more diverse relationships than I might have, and I think that this has also allowed a more fulfilling experience for players when reading through.

I also have incorporated some struggles that I’ve faced before because of my identity into the games. For example, I and a few others have faced issues with religion due to who we are, and I incorporate this into both games. Dreamwalker, Pariah, and Sysba from Attollo all have shadows of this experience in their character origins, and Ilali and Ariston from Metamorphosis has a major point involving identity and beliefs. Both games also have undertows of ostracization and division between groups, which is also something I’ve experienced in the past. Being able to grapple these moments and control them via a narrative has been eye opening for both myself and others involved, and I’m hoping it can be a learning experience for the readers as well.

Q4: What would you like to see more of in LGBT+ fiction?

I think, now, the amount of progress in LGBTQ+ fiction is expanding at a wonderful rate. There are so many interactive fictions with options to select sexuality, select gender, select beliefs, etc. However, despite this expansion, there’s still a good deal of backlash against some aspects of LGBTQ+ fiction.

For example, as a bisexual woman who has dated men, I know there are some individuals who may not consider me a part of the LGBTQ+ because of this aspect. Not only is this incredibly disheartening, but it’s a viewpoint that I think should be educated against, and fiction is a fantastic pathway to do this. Another example I can think of is a friend of mine who identifies as asexual but is sex-neutral rather than sex-repulsed. Most people can’t believe her when she says this, and she often faces backlash for this declaration as well. This is another thing that I think that, with exposure through a medium such as fiction, can be worked on.

What I’m trying to say here is that I think LGBTQ+ fiction can be a brilliantly educational platform—if used right. Although it already teaches so much with what it has, I think having that representation of different subgroups of sexuality, of their experiences and beliefs, so people can become aware and knowledgeable of these options, is something I’d like to see more of.

Q5: What or who are some of your biggest inspirations?

Oh man, I struggled to list off inspirations because I know I have some, but as soon as someone asks me who they are my brain just goes ‘brrrrrr’ LMAO.

In terms of the games that I write and the worlds that I build, I think David Lynch and Robert Chambers are probably the two that I somehow incorporate. Attollo and Metamorphosis both have a lot of surrealist horror, which are what these two really specialized in. Shirley Jackson is also another person who inspired me a lot when it came to the writing and creation of Attollo, especially the intrapersonal relationships between the characters.

In terms of life, this is something else I really struggle to answer. I don’t really have celebrity inspirations or anything like that, but I do get inspired by my close friends and sister a lot. Seeing them go through the struggles that they face and absolutely thrive really drives me to push through my own struggles. They’re the strongest, most brilliant group of people that I know, and I consider myself incredibly fortunate that I can be a part of their lives. Not only that, but we also all collectively encourage each other to push further and to chase our dreams (as cheesy as that is LMAO) and that’s something that I think is another stroke of good fortune. I struck gold when I met them, and they’re some of the biggest inspirations in my life.

Q6: What’s a super vague spoiler for your current project?

For Attollo, I’d say ‘Home is where the heart is.’ For Metamorphosis, to quote John Berendt, ‘Always stick around for one more drink.’

Q7: Lastly, what advice would you give to your readers?

What advice would I give to you all? Oh my, I’m not exactly a wise woman here, but I’ll do my best to give you something lmaooo. I think what I really want you to walk away with, from both my stories and this interview, is that if you’re passionate about something, then share it with the world. Don’t let anyone deter your passion.

I remember listening to this painter once who commented to his friend how he ‘really liked painting’, and his friend’s first response was ‘but are you good at it?’. He then compared this to the scenario of walking; would you say, ‘but are you good at it?’ to someone who said, ‘I really like walking’? No, because it simply wouldn’t make sense, and it doesn’t make sense to say that to anyone who’s doing something out of passion.

To put it simply—if you love something, then don’t let anyone take that passion from you. I began writing these stories because I’m passionate about Attollo and Metamorphosis; I love each character, each bit of lore, and I share it with you because I want you all to enjoy it as well. Am I the best writer? God, no. Does everyone like what I write? Definitely not. But will I let this stop me from writing, from enjoying what I’m doing? Never, and I want you to do the same.

Explore your passions, embrace your passions, and let what makes you happy continue to do so

[asexualone]

(pls take the time to read)

Signs I should have known I was aro: Disney edition

I think this topic has been stressed a lot already. But here is my take, anyway.

Of course, romantic love had been, is and will always be one of the main themes in kids' movies. Why, I can never fully understand. I'll explain below how I like other themes more.

Some time ago, I did a post on the kiss/hug scenes in Rapunzel which depicts how much more I value acts of showing love that don't include kissing.

Not only those two. I have a history of hating Disney on-screen smooches. As a kid, I thought, "Well, maybe, I don't like seeing these characters kiss because it's a grownup thing."

Could you blame me? When my parents were in the room and a kissing scene appeared on the screen, they changed the channel. So my toddler brain concluded that the reason I didn't like watching kisses was because I wasn't of age to like it. Or something.

At the time, I had no idea that I was hand-picking my favorite movies by the level of romance they had in. Or lack thereof. And I was a very judgemental kid. Let's go through my original thoughts on some Disney classics.

Snow White — No. Just no. She's a child, fourteen. Marrying an older guy she doesn't even know. After he kisses her corpse. NO.

Cinderella — The age difference is a little better, I guess. So is the age of consent. But they only talked one (1) night and he relied on that slipper to find her instead of asking to meet all women and see for himself. Fairytale logic I guess. I didn't like how she called it love immediately and kissed the prince at least once that same night. Or how they got married immediately.

The Sleeping Beauty — Must I even explain? Aurora didn't even know Philip that much, had only met him once (if you exclude the "dreams"). And yet, he's her true love, the only one who can revive her corpse. Ridiculous. And yes, kissing a comatose body, ew. Also, the arranged marriage trope pisses me off, royalty or not. Aurora was engaged as a newborn baby, come on.

Mulan — Cinematic gold. I didn't know it back then, but the fact that romantic love is such a pushed-aside aspect in this movie gives me life. The songs give me life. Especially when the trio dresses as concubines and "Be a Man" plays in the background. An absolute gem, lmao. The sequel however ruined the story somewhat for me, too much lovey-dovey stuff. I like Mulan more when she's fighting than when she's acting all sappy towards Shang, sorry not sorry.

Peter Pan — Loved it, still do. But I did dislike the mermaids, the image of fangirls who are petty towards other girls. And Pan's brief "relationship" with Tiger Lily was nauseating to me. I couldn't explain it but when Pan blushed at her nose-nuzzling thing, I always pulled a face.

The Princess and the Frog — In my opinion, (remember, always my opinion): Tiana, this hard-working girl who doesn't belong to anyone, was lost to love. Well, not lost. But falling for Naveen in the course of three days? Unrealistic and kinda unnecessary. Sweet, but still. I adored the "relationship" between Ray and Evangeline more. Either way, it's a movie that I enjoyed when love wasn't that prominent on screen.

Aladdin — I love this movie because of the Genie. The relationship between Jasmine and Aladdin is meh. She forgot his face and didn't recognize him until later. Their coming together is a lot like that trope "first guy who treats her right sets the expectations and wins her heart". Usually that's a thing, not only in Disney movies but media in general. The female lead settles for the first guy that treats her right because the bar is that low. A good movie, all in all. Love how Jasmine stands up for herself at least. Not a lot of princesses fight against the objectification of women.

Pocahontas — I used to hate this movie. I didn't sit right with me: the racism in it, the manipulation, the murders. And the romance, yes. Pocahontas fell for the strange man who tickled her curiosity in the span of two days. I also hated how her father just sold her to marry Kocoum like that. I know it's tradition. Heck, that's a tradition that still goes on in my country. Maybe that's why I didn't like seeing it on screen. And Pocahontas doesn't even end up with John Smith. The second movie definitely ruined the story. So yes, she's the first princess who fell for a man in three days, TWICE. Needless to say, only the songs kept me from blacklisting the movie entirely.

The Little Mermaid — I actually loved this movie for some reason. I can't explain why, maybe it was my obsession with mermaids. Yeah, that was probably it. But I was pissed when Ariel exchanged her tail for legs. Not to mention human periods and overall, all the bad in the world, for a man she'd only seen once. As I grew up I realized just how f*cked up that story was: Ariel giving her entire lifestyle, family and identity up for a guy she hadn't even spoken to. I don't know why I loved that movie, alright? Hell I still do a little. The sequel too. Say what you want.

Brave — (I know this is technically Pixar, shut up) Much like the paradox with Ariel, I didn't like this movie. I can't explain it. Maybe because Merida wasn't the typical Disney princess I had been used to seeing. Now though, I ADORE that story. No, it's not because Merida knows archery... Okay, yes maybe a little. I love the aro-arrow word play, alright? Anyway, the way Merida fights against being shipped to a husband like the "tradition" I aforementioned asks her to, has always had my heart, even when I didn't like the movie. The focus on the mother-daughter relationship is special, I love it. Stellar movie.

Tangled — One of my favorite Disney movies, my favorite princess. But her relationship with Eugene.... Well. Again, three days. That's all it takes to fall in love. Classic of Disney. Not only that, but Eugene is literally the first man person Raps has ever since, besides Gothel. The bar is nonexistent for her, she would have fallen for anyone. He lied to her and she still... Well, I won't stress that any longer. Their relationship in the end is sweet, one of the few cases where we are actually shown that they would risk their lives to save each other. Respect that. Mostly, I love her magical hair and Pascal. And the guys of Snuggly Duckling.

Moana — EPIC MOVIE. The story, the culture, the character growth, the plot twist, everything! Loved it at first sight, at second and forever. Even more when I became aware that there's no romance in it. I don't think I need to say more.

Frozen — My opinions on this movie have always been changing, accompanied by mixed feelings. So the relationship between sisters was cute, but Lilo and Stitch made that more realistic. Anna's relationship with Hans, ugh. I think that for a long time I used the fact that he was the antagonist to justify my absolute hate for the way Anna "fell" for him in one evening. Again, Anna sweetheart. This is the first man you've met. The bar is nonexistent for you too. God bless Elsa for forbidding her to marry Hans. And while it's cute to think Elsa as a lesbian, she has aromantic vibes. Sorry not sorry, but she's also a God by the end of Frozen 2. Gods are beyond attraction, I said what I said.

Raya and the Last Dragon — Loved it, still do. Say what you will about "dragon Elsa". Sisu is her own character, and I adore her. And yes, I love the lack of romance in the movie. Make no mistake, I shipped Raya and Namaari from the first moment they smiled at each other. I swear on my name that I paused the movie and screamed, GAYYYY, at the top of my lungs. Luckily, I was home alone. If only Disney directors would do the right fcking thing and give me a queer main couple!! I swear I wouldn't mind the lovey-dovey romance one bit.

Of course, I've left dozens of movies out. This post is already way longer than I wanted it to be. But I think that was enough to make a point.

While I'm not romance-repulsed, seeing animated kisses (and unnecessary relationships) on screen makes me uncomfortable. As a child and as a grownup. It just doesn't sit right with me. Not to mention all these princesses who identify with their princes and specifically their relationships with said princes when they're perfect on their. Wreck it Ralph 2 made them a favor, I think, by making them work together and showing their strengths. Another movie I love.

Friendship just makes an overall better theme to apply to kids shows, my opinion. Family, work, self-discovery, mental health, happiness. These are all better themes to portray in media dedicated for children. Which is, again, my opinion.

And yes, Disney has been getting better. They've fixed the age difference and the age of consent. The female characters no longer depend on the male ones, at least not as often. They understand the assignment, alright. There are still many questionable things about Disney's reputation though, things we all choose to overlook for the sake of the good movies. But who knows? They might change. Hopefully soon we'll also have an obviously queer couple in a movie. Hope dies last.

[tweedlydumbtweedlydoo]

Rafe Cameron x Routledge!reader

Requested by @shanetoo​ / Summary: You’re the pogue princess, aka John B’s little sister, and Rafe has fallen head over heels for you. How will Rafe react to his newfound feelings, especially when he sees you as Kie’s date to the Midsummer party?

A/N: You’re John B’s twin in this one. I hope you guys like it! xx 

Tag list is at the end. Let me know if you want to be added xx

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**MASTERLIST**

Requests: OPEN {CLOSED}

I am currently taking requests for:

The Vampire Diaries/The Originals

Elijah Mikaelson

Damon Salvatore

Criminal Minds:

Spencer Reid

Derek Morgan

Supernatural (I’m only up to season 2, so please don’t request something with spoilers)**

Sam Winchester

Dean Winchester

Outer Banks (Netflix):

John B Routledge

JJ Maybank

Rafe Cameron

********************************************************************************************NOT MY GIF, CREDIT TO OWNERS

“Hey it’s the pogue princess.” Rafe announces as he walks up to the bar at the country club.

You roll your eyes at his nickname for you as you walk up to the bar, “What would you like Mr. Cameron?”

He leans against the bar, “bourbon, neat.”

You nod and begin making it. Remembering what your brother told you, you knew kooks were horrible people, but this was your work and you had to be nice to them, especially if you want to keep your job. You knew the Kooks were supposed to be the world’s worst, but Rafe was always nice to you. You really had no idea why, so in return you were nice too. Plus he was handsome with his hair slicked back and raybans around his neck. “How’d you do today?”

“Shot a 92. Better than last weekend.” He glances over his shoulder, Topper and Kelce would be in here soon and he didn’t want this conversation to end. This is what he looked forward to every weekend. He’d play a round of golf, then come in here and get a drink and talk with you while Topper and Kelce went to the locker room to change. It was the only safe place he knew he could talk to you without it being questioned.

You nod, “Yeah you shot… what a 117 last weekend?”

“Yeah,” he chuckles, “it wasn’t a good day on the greens.”

You laugh a little and slide the drink over to him, “$8.50.” (really not sure if that’s a good price for a bourbon at a country club?? Lmao)

He hands over a $20 bill, “Put the rest in the tip.” He gives you quick wink and takes a sip of his drink, “You always make the best.” Pointing at the drink he walks out to the back patio where Topper and Kelce were waiting.

~

You were John B’s little sister, he knew that. He shouldn’t feel this way toward you, a kook, but you can’t help who you fall for. Why was there the pogues vs kooks anyways? He wished it was nonexistent so he wouldn’t have to worry about someone finding out about his feelings for you. You felt the same way about him, but he was a kook. John B and the pogues would kill you if they knew about your feelings for the kook king, Rafe Cameron. You wished they would at least give him a chance.

“Please come with me?” Kie begs. She’d asked you to be her date to the Midsummer’s party, but you were supposed to work the party.

“Kie, I’m working the party.”

“Take off for the night, they have plenty of bartenders working that night.”

You sigh before agreeing, “I don’t have anything to wear though.”

“It’s a good thing you have my closet!” She motions to her closet, “let’s pick you out something.”

~

Kie fixed your hair and your make up. You’d chosen a slim baby pink dress and a pair of wedges. She slipped a pretty flower in your hair, “There. You look gorgeous!”

She turns you around in the chair so you can see yourself in the mirror and you didn’t even recognize yourself. You weren’t a pogue tonight, you were a kook. “Thank you, Kie.” You smile, “I love it.”

“Let’s go see what the pogues think.” You and Kie descend down the stairs where the pogues are waiting. JJ is in his serving tux, John B was helping Pope and his dad with the grill and was dressed in shorts and black shirt, matching with Pope.

John B looks around your shoulder, “Does anyone know where my sister went?”

You roll your eyes and hit him in the chest, “Asshole.”

He chuckles and wraps his arm around your shoulder, “You love me! Now just because you’re going to this party with Kie, doesn’t make you a kook. So, no boys, especially kook boys. Me and the boys will be watching you.” He does the finger motion with his eyes.

You groan, “Seriously, John B? I’m literally only a few minutes younger than you. I don’t need a chaperon.”

“Gotta keep an eye out for my baby sister. Sorry not sorry.” He gives a shrug.

~

The first place he went to when he arrived with his family was the bar, but you weren’t in sight. He could have sworn you told him you’d be working the party. It honestly put him in a bad mood. He stood with Kelce and Topper, sipping his drink, when Topper tapped him in the chest, pointing behind Rafe, “Isn’t that Routledge’s sister?”

Rafe turned around so quick and there you were, walking arm and arm with Kie. He’d only ever seen you a couple times outside of the bar and that was at the boneyard, but even then, you were in your country club uniform, coming straight from work.

“Dude, she looks hot.” Topper comments, “I didn’t know a pogue could look like that.”

Rafe’s fingers tightened around his glass, “Topper, shut the fuck up.”

“I’m just saying. I bet you I can get her to come home with me tonight.” Topper laughs.

“You’re with my sister remember?” Rafe snaps, “There’s no you trying to get her to come home with you tonight.” Rafe watched as you and Kie made your way through the crowd, dancing to the music. You’d caught the eyes of a few other kooks. They were already looking your way. He throws the rest of his drink back and starts heading your way, but another guy has beat him to it. He decides against it and heads back to the bar.

You had glanced around for Rafe but still hadn’t spotted him, so you decided one dance with this one guy wouldn’t hurt. After the song ended, you were quick to slip away from the guy, “I’m going to find my friend.”

His grip tightened, “Come on, let me take you inside?”

“I’m good-”

“She said she’s good man. back off.” Rafe gives the guy a little shove and the guy lets go of you, rolling eyes before walking off.

You look up at Rafe and he runs a hand through his hair, smoothing it back. “Thanks for that.”

He nods, “Yeah. Yeah of course.” He flashes his signature smile, “I thought you were working tonight.”

“Kie invited me so I got someone else to cover my shift.”

He nods, “Well, you look beautiful.”

You blush, glancing down at your dress and then back at him, “Didn’t know I could wear anything else besides khaki’s and a white polo, did you?”

He chuckles, shaking his head, “No.”

You laugh, “It’s Kie’s. I didn’t have anything nice to wear.”

“It looks great on you.” He runs his hand over his chin and then scratches the back of his neck, “I um better go. Dinner should start be starting soon.”

You nod, “Yeah. I better go find Kie.”

The two of you part ways. He goes and sits with his family, you go to sit with Kie and her family.

~

Soon after dinner, the Cameron’s are asked to speak and then Ward takes Rose to the dance floor to dance. Topper does the same thing with Sarah and Rafe stands off to the side. He hadn’t brought a date, didn’t really care too.

You watch the Cameron’s, talking quietly with Kie, saying how pretty Rose dress was and that’s when you see Rafe standing over to the side. He didn’t have a date to dance with?

He knows he looks stupid up here while his whole family is having some dance with their partners, so his eyes start to scan the crowd, and there at a back table was you. He could see you and Kie leaned in close, talking over the music. He knew he was probably going to get looks for this, but at this moment he didn’t care. Screw the pogues vs kooks. Screw the kooks. Screw what people would think. He wants to dance with you. He makes his way across the dancefloor and straight to you at the table. He holds his hand out to you, giving a smile, “Would you like to dance?”

People around you gasped, especially the kook girls surrounding you. You were a pogue and Rafe picked you out of the crowd to dance with?

You know people were looking, especially your brother and pogues, but you didn’t care. Screw them. Your hand fits into his and you smile, “I’d love too..” Standing from your seat, he leads you to the middle of the dancefloor, pulling you close. Your hand is in his, the other on his shoulder and his other hand is on your lower back.

“People are staring.” You whisper, glancing around.

“Let them stare. They’re just jealous of you.” He whispers back. His forehead goes to yours and both of you close your eyes in content, as the two of you sway to the music. Your brother was going to kill you.

As the song ends, there’s some clapping for Ward and Rose, but you and Rafe don’t pull away as quickly as the rest.

“Want to get out of here?” He asks, pulling away to look at you.

Biting your lip, you nod, “My brother is going to kill me.”

He chuckles, “Don’t worry I’ll protect you.” He leads you away from the party and toward the beach. Slipping off your heels, the two of you start across the beach.

“Y/n Routledge!” You glance back to see John B making his way out to the beach after you, anger written all over his face.

“Shit!” You and Rafe laugh as you two break into a run, heading toward the parking lot, leaving John B in the dust. Rafe pulls you through the line of cars and straight for the tree lines. He puts you between him and the tree and puts a finger to his lips. You hold back a giggle as you hear John B yell again.

He laughs quietly looking down at you. Suddenly, it’s like the world stopped turning. He brings his hand up to cup your cheek and gets lost in your eyes. The two of you are breathing heavily, looking into each other’s eyes, but he doesn’t lean in.

“Kiss me, you fool.” You whisper, wrapping your arm around his neck and pulling him to you, pressing your lips against yours.

He kisses back passionately before finally pulling away for air, “I’ve wanted to do that for weeks,” He whispers against your lips.

Both of you smile into the kiss and you nod, “I was getting tired of asking about your golf game. I didn’t care.”

He chuckles, “I hate bourbon. It’s the only drink I could think about when I saw you a couple weeks ago and you asked what I wanted.” He then pulls you back into a kiss.

Your brother was definitely going to kill you.

Obx taglist:  @emmalvei-blog​ , @tregua-oca​ , @weirdbiwitch​ , @losers-club6​ , @treestarrrrrrrr​​ , @omgwhattheeven​​ , @normatural​​ , @lreincarnationl​​ , @laurenron​ , @junkiemuppettxx​ , @beth-winchester21​ , @divcrdown​ , @timotaychalabae​ , @moose-squirrel-asstiel​ , @tangledinsparkles​ , @prejudic3​ , @lanarichards5  @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch​ , @fratboystark​ , @nas-marie-loves-u​ , @sunwardsss , @annedub​ , @jellyfishbeansontoast​ , @turtlee-says-rawr​,

All my works tag list:  @blossomreed​

[deluweil]

This is my 4x12 review - skip if you haven’t watched yet.💖

In my opinion the whole Treasure Hunt thing, had a S2 bank mystery vibe about it. Like the silly calm before the storm, again in parallel to right before when Buck was hurt.

I knew the Author jerk is alive the second I saw the actor who played it, the was not one show where he guest starred and wasn’t a jerk 😂😂

So since I did my own version of live writing, I apologize if this is a bit disorganized.

We got so much buddie bread crumbs, that eventually felt like a meal at the end of the episode so let’s start with: Both boys in sunglasses - oh WOW! 🔥🔥  

Bobby sending Eddie with Chimney and Buck looking thoroughly unhappy to be separated from Eddie. They nod at each other and while Buck frowns at Chimney, Eddie crosses himself before going to get geared up.

It was a small gesture but very significant because Eddie has already crashed in a chopper (in 3x15 and watched Hen and Strand crash in the crossover) he knows what could go wrong.

Chimney’s “cheer up you can go next time” doesn’t really reassure Buck. I think a “we’ll be fine” or “I’ll keep him safe” would have calmed Buck’s nerves a lot more.

Can we discuss for a second how HOT!! Eddie looked doing the aerial rescue? I mean WOW, I watched it several times. 🥵🥵🥵

The 118 sitting together trying to figure out the riddle was funny, everyone thinking how it’s a bad idea to even consider this to be a real thing, except for Buck, of course. 😂

And while the others are already considering how freaking horrible the rest of their shift  is going to be like, because it’s all over the news thanks to Taylor Kelly’s story.

Eddie called Taylor - Buck’s “girlfriend”, but we don’t see his face, we do get to see it, when Buck stresses (for what feels like the millionth time from the sigh and tone of his voice) that she is his friend not his girlfriend.

Eddie’s “Yeah, sure, right.” face is priceless!!😂😂  

Buck and Taylor plotting together again, is always hilarious, those two are disaster magnets, it makes for good fun. What bothered me was that Buck offered Taylor to pair up, but re-watching, everybody’s reaction didn’t exactly originally encouraged a teaming up vibe.

However the problem with human nature is - everyone love to obsess over riddles. 😉😉

Eddie jumping through the window into the fire truck? epic!

Eddie did suggest to team up to Buck and I love that even after Buck told him he’s working with Taylor, the look on Eddie’s face melted Buck almost immediately and had him suggesting Eddie joins the two of them. 🥰🥰

The scene in Buck’s apartment, with the three of them Eddie is right between Taylor and Buck in the shot and kind of “talking to himself” was so funny. - Gave me a BBC Sherlock scene between Irene Adler, Sherlock and John.

The way Martin Freeman stole the scene just by dropping small comments. I gotta give it to Eddie, out of all of everything in that scene, Ryan performance is what I’m going to remember. - Acting choices were made all throughout this episode by both Oliver and Ryan.

Also can we talk about the fact that Eddie is now stating little bits of knowledge like Buck now - “I can know weird stuff too” from 4x03 is so haunting me, these boys have totally rubbed off each other. (get your minds out of the gutters... for now anyway 😉)

I love how Eddie and Buck sit down and scratch, just thinking about the fire ants 😂😂

Buck being lowered into the septic tank - notice, Eddie is the one handling the rope, again, his expression worried while Buck is still down there, especially after having to drop him into the water.

I have noticed that Bobby sent Eddie up in the chopper, but is reluctant to send him under ground still 😉🙃

Buck’s “come on” when Eddie and Bobby made a face and walked away from the stench was so funny. Also super adorable on Buck’s part. 

I love how Taylor keeps shutting Buck down, it’s amusing to watch now that I know how the episode ends.

Athena being done with idiots the entire episode was hilarious! Angela is a queen!

I loved that 9-1-1 dispatchers were running a bet of places where the treasure may be. (Josh’s “Who thought that was a good idea?” and someone shouting “not it!” had me in stitches 😂😂)

Let’s take a break from buddie for a second:

Hen and Chimney joining the race and Bobby trying to hide his research from Athena was so funny, I mean, she is a police sergeant, there was no way she wouldn’t figure him out.

Bobby planning a future together, a life after the job, and Athena shutting him down. I do think this is what will come between them eventually. Athena making a unilateral decision, without considering even talking about a future with Bobby that doesn’t revolve around them working until they’re either forced out or buried six feet under ground. 

I find it interesting because it’s usually the other way around, my mom has been working on my dad to retire for years now so they can travel before both of them are too old to do it. So I kinda get where Bobby’s coming from.

In parallel though, Athena making the unilateral decision like Eddie did when he re-enlisted in 3x15. I do hope Bobby and Athena manage to work things out, I love them together. 

Back to the hunt:

Of course Athena worked out where the treasure is, Karen built an algorithm, and Taylor apparently helping Buck and Eddie figure it out bringing all three teams together.

Athena looking to Buck and Eddie asking them if they seriously brought their gear with them and Eddie pointing at Hen and Chimney to divert the attention from them about their med-kits. - like children trying to justify themselves to their parents. 😂😂😂

Wasting time negotiating about the money was hilarious, especially with Taylor in the chopper hovering over them lmao.

And then there was probie - Jesus! I laughed so much.  😂🤦‍♂️

Also Buck’s “I’m not doing anymore math”, as a reference to “she taught me math”, Buck’s not doing that shit. He calculated enough for one day and he is done!  😂

I do like that Oli and Ryan’s marks are closer together again ❣❣❣  

Eddie: “We didn’t kill him”  Buck: “We just wanted to” Bobby’s “Shut up” face killed me.

Probie selling them out “I don’t know these ppl.” You don’t say shit like this as a probie 😂😂😂

Also Rick saying “I didn’t actually think it was” and I'm just enjoying the moment, was awesome. I like it when he shows up in episodes, he and Athena make a good and amusing team. 

Back to buddie bread crumbs:

Everyone in Bathena’s house, including Taylor, who took the place next to buck, leaving Eddie to sit directly in front of Taylor and next to Chimney. - The “At this point I don’t trust anyone.” cuts to Eddie’s face, that looked as if he’s saying “Seriously dude? hurtful” - The fact that Buck stopped and met Eddie’s reproachful gaze even though they are not directly in front of each other says so much! 

Also the “Stop for a second and think about what you said.” looks from Chimney and the others are very meaningful. (#everybody knows 😉)  Buck sticking his foot in his mouth and him backtracking are shot directly from Eddie’s perspective. - hmm, I wonder why…? 🧐🧐

And to complete the meal:

Taylor placing Buck directly in the Friend-Zone category, was genius. And while Buck and Taylor have a fun energy together it never really felt romantically oriented. Also I have a certain feeling that seeing Buck and Eddie interact, at Buck’s place and at Bathena’s house and not for the first time either, she knows it will not work between her and Buck.

Buck, trying to feel something more for her, even if in a gentler and way sweeter way than the cursed ship I will not name, it feels forced on his end too - and Taylor lets him off the hook in a gentle way too, I like her for that even more. 

I really hope we keep seeing Taylor in a friend capacity for Buck, I think it’s good for him to have support and someone to talk to outside the 118. And I will absolutely worship Taylor if she will be the buddie catalyst, I mean Megan does ship buddie too, it will only be appropriate 😉💖

The episode in itself was pretty nice, I would have probably enjoyed it more if I watched it before LS who absolutely kicked me in the feels today. But I do know that just like 9-1-1 2x15 I’ll go back and watch it like a million times because it is a fun episode to pass the time, and the buddie crumbs were delicious. 

The promo kicked me in the feels too, I will not discuss it here right now, but I do hope that that last part won’t be a cliff hanger and we’ll have to wait an entire week for the rest, two weeks of frayed nerves are a LOT to suffer through 🙈

Sending big hugs out there to whomever needs it 🤗🤗🤗

[sapphicambitions]

Okay so I finished watching black sails a few days ago and I’ve spent the last few days reading other metas and posts and interviews about Flint & Silver to gather my thoughts (thots, if you will) and these are the conclusions I have come to:

John Silver and James Flint have the most interesting and well written dynamic ives ever seen between two characters. I am endlessly fascinated by their relationship. Because it’s so unique and complex and I can’t think of any other relationship between two men on screen that even gets close to being on their level, that level of intimacy and their DIALOGUE????? especially in season four????? there is no daylight between us???? i have made myself transparent to you????? you already know me in all the ways that’s relevant???? fuck me up dude!!!!!

All of that being said, I don’t like… ship them. At least not in the conventional way of shipping. I don’t see them as boyfriends or husbands or even as romantically involved. Like I said I LOVE their dynamic and I am fascinated with the complexities of it, and I really and truly think that they loved each other deeply, but to me the idea of them being like in an explicit, canon relationship sort of... cheapens it?

Especially if we’re talking about seasons 1-3 flint & silver. To me, saying that they were romantically involved during that time period sort of misses the point of their build up. Because they didn’t even really like each other then. They were necessary evils in each other’s stories. ESPECIALLY in seasons 1 & 2, they weren’t friends! They were work place acquaintances who needed each other to survive. And remember Silver’s whole season three arc of “I think flint controls the weather”???? Lmaooo the idea that they were romantically involved at that time, to me, almost does a disservice to their characters and the journey that they took to get to where they were in the fourth season.

Because I don’t think that they truly started to even be friends until that night around the fire. When Silver asked in who’s name they were fighting the war and Flint told the truth about his past. When Flint made himself transparent and vulnerable to Silver, and they openly discussed their partnership. When they came to a mutual understanding of each other, when they felt the possibility of the future together, that is when they really and truly emotionally connected and became more than work place acquaintances, became even more than just casual friends.

But I still don’t think that they were like, together together in season four.

Do I think there were extremely high levels of homoeroticism? also-fucking-lutely. But I don’t think they were romantically involved. For many reasons.

I think that the last two episodes of the series do not work if they did not love each other. The last two episodes are not effective if there is not something deeper there, if there isn’t something to lose when they fall apart. Like when Billy and Silver fall apart? I was like aww they were friends. :( and that’s it. When Silver and Flint fell apart? I sobbed my fucking eyes out. Would I have been as destroyed by Silver’s betrayal if I didn’t truly believe that these two men had a deep and profound relationship, that they needed each other and completed each other? Lmao no! No I wouldn’t have. If Flint didn’t love Silver, he wouldn’t have taught him sword fighting, he wouldn’t have shot Dooley, he wouldn’t have looked so deeply crushed when Silver raised the gun. Because the look on his face? When that happens? That is heartbreak, pure and simple.

BUT. I ALSO think that the last two episodes of the series do not work if that love is explicit and defined. I do not think it works if Silver is fully aware of that love. Because I don’t think he is. I think he has found himself closer and closer to Flint, committing himself to Flint, becoming the other half of Flint, and….. doesn’t quite realize how homoerotic it is lmao. Because he has Madi! And Silver has never really had someone to be close to before, so I honestly don’t believe that Silver was aware how how Homo(TM) the whole thing was with Flint, at least not consciously, at least not out loud. And I say this because there is a very important moment in the finale that doesn’t work if their relationship is defined and official or romantic in any way.

It’s when Flint says “This will all have been for nothing. We will have been for nothing. Defined by their histories. Distorted to fit into their narrative. Until all that is left of us are the monsters in the stories they tell their children,” That is his last card to play. That, to me, is the THESIS of the series, that moment is what they have been building up to for four seasons, that is Flint’s driving force as a person. And Silver says: “I don’t care,”

That moment is reliant on Silver not understanding the queer implications behind what Flint said. That moment is reliant on Silver being a man who has never experienced the life ruining homophobia that Flint has experienced. That moment is reliant on Silver genuinely not caring, it is reliant on the complete disconnect from Flint in that moment, and if the two of them had been in a defined relationship at the moment, I wouldn’t have bought it. And it is heartbreaking and tragic because Silver DOESN’T get it. He doesn’t! He does not know what it means to fear how the world will see you for who you fundamentally are, fear how mothers will tell their children about you, fear how your story will be told, and I do not buy that moment if Silver is aware of his own queerness. Maybe other characters in other stories, I might, but Silver, self serving and self saving Silver, to not care? He has to genuinely NOT care.

I’ve mentioned before in other posts that watching Silver and Flint’s story play out is a lot like watching Romeo and Juliet, that you know that their story will end in tragedy, but you watch it unfold anyway. But there’s another reason I think they parallel the star crossed lovers. And I think the moral of Romeo & Juliet (it’s my favorite play step up and fight me) is not that the young lovers were stupid and reckless, but the moral is that they might have lived if not for the outside forces trying to drive them apart. Romeo and Juliet is about how the toxic and warring world in which they lived wasn’t sustainable for their love, that they were driven to their deaths by parents who didn’t realize the harm they were inflicting upon their children.

I digress but the POINT being that it is outside forces that drove the two of them apart. (Get Wreked, Billy) The toxic and warring world in which they lived wasn’t sustainable for their partnership. You can see it best in 4x09 when the flashbacks of the two of them alone on the beach are funny and tender and vulnerable and open between the two of them, and present day where Silver’s trying to get Flint a little bit KILLED and you can see how much things have changed between them since that day on the beach.

How might have things changed in another direction if they hadn’t been driven apart? Because like I said earlier, Silver and Flint’s relationship was a JOURNEY, it didn’t happen overnight. And I can’t help but feel like they were only at the beginning of their relationship when they fell apart and that is another tragedy, the what if? of it all. How might their relationship have changed and gotten even deeper if they hadn’t been pushed apart? What hadn’t been explored between them, what was still left unsaid when Silver raised his gun at Flint? So that’s ANOTHER reason I don’t think they were like ~together~ because there is tragedy is losing something you don’t have, that you might have had. Losing something that you don’t know what it could have become and that breaks my heart because it feels like they had only JUST begun and then they were ending in the most heartbreaking and tragic way.

Also to be honest, the main reason that I love Them is because I’m a slut for tragedy, and knowing that something is going to have a sad ending but rooting for them anyway. Romeo and Juliet, the Hunchback of Notre Dame musical, Hadestown, the Song of Achilles, They Both Die at The End, even rewatching Brokeback Mountain, you get it. Tell me that they aren’t going to make it in the end and then let me watch them fall in love anyway. Let me watch them grow to love each other knowing that they’re going to end in tragedy. I should be sobbing on the floor by the end of it, I WANT to be sobbing on the floor by the end of it. That’s my shit. It is literally my favorite type of story. fuck me UP

So those are my Thots (TM) about Flint & Silver. They have one of the most well written relationships I’ve ever seen on screen and I am endlessly fascinated by them. I don’t like romantically ship them because I think it’s too complicated to reduce their relationship to “they’re dating“ when it is their journey from reluctant work place acquaintances to “It’s hard to know where one began and the other ended” that is so incredible. But I do think there is a deep and profound love between them and the finale doesn’t WORK unless they love each other, but it also has to be somewhat unspoken for it to work, too.  Because I don’t think Silver was aware of his own queerness and I think he has to actively not understand the queerness of Flint’s fight in order to do what he does otherwise I wouldn’t buy it. And I think that they were only at the beginning of their partnership, and I wonder where it could have gone if they hadn’t been ripped apart. Theirs is a tragedy of losing someone you love and losing something that isn’t easily defined, losing something that could have been. And their tragedy does not work if they didn’t have something to lose.

[halpertstuna]

motorbikes and mazes - jj maybank

request:

A/N: thank you for requesting! i hope this is what you meant, enjoy <3

and i’ve already said this before but PLEASE, don’t hesitate to send me requests, questions, messages whatever you want. i would love to make friends and mutuals on this platform plus i love feedback and would really like to hear your opinions(:

-> prompt list <-

summary: motorcycle accidents aren’t that rare, you just never thought you’d get into one, especially not with your boyfriend.

pairing: jj x reader

word count: 2,426

warnings: cursing, blood, mentions of injuries (nothing too graphic), a bath(? idk if that’s a warning lmao i’m sorry), angst, fluff, platonic John B., Pope, Kie and Sarah.

oh and probably typos cause i suck😎 and i’m too lazy to go over this again 😔🕶🤏🏻

-> masterlist <-

(gif credit: @ptersparkers )

—

The sense of mortality.

When riding a motorcycle you truly are aware of your mortality, your life is in your hands and if you act carelessly, it could be over.

JJ was fully aware of that, which was why each time you were sat on the back of his motorbike, gripping tightly onto his torso, he was extra careful.

He knew motorcycles scared you quite a bit, ever since you were a child your mum told you how dangerous they were, and as a result you were mildly intimidated by them.

You trusted JJ more than anything in the world and you knew he would never put you at risk, he cared far too much.

And as true as that is, some things are just out of his hands.

It was mid December, the wind outside howled, causing the tree near your bedroom window to rapidly tap the glass.

You laid in bed, drawing, as you awaited a text from your boyfriend, JJ, telling you he was outside.

Like every thursday, the pogues made plans to meet at the chateau for movie night. It was your turn to pick a movie and you were thrilled, you wanted to watch the maze runner series again, so you saw this was a great opportunity.

Just as you were adding final touches to the sunflower you drew, the screen of your phone lit up and with the corner of your eye you caught a glimpse of JJ’s contact name.

You swiftly got off the bed and slid into your beat up vans. You made your way down the stairs and slung your, more accurately JJ’s, jacket over your shoulders, slipping your arms through the sleeves as you shut the door behind you. You skipped down the porch steps, approaching your favorite blond boy, whose hair was rumpled from both his helmet and the wind.

You ran your hand through his golden locks, gently tugging, as your lips met the warm skin of his exposed neck, greeting him with intimacy. He smiled at your antics, kissing your temple sloppily, then handed you your helmet and put his back on.

As soon as you placed it on top of your head, you hoped onto the pillion seat and wrapped your arms around him, resting your head on his build back. You placed a soft kiss on his shoulder blade, missing the grin he gave you.

He turned the key in the ignition, starting the bike and the two of you rode off.

The wind whispered through your hair when all of the sudden you felt droplets of rain fall onto the exposed skin of the nape of your neck.

Neither of you thought too much of it, as you were already half way there and it was just a couple of drops. But not long after, the rain got violent, and the road got slippery.

JJ knew it was dangerous to ride a motorbike in such weather conditions and so he searched for a place with shelter, in which you could wait until the rain came to a halt.

“Hold tight” he shouted and you obeyed, tightening your grip and holding onto dear life. “JJ we have to stop it’s getting dangerous” you affirmed, voice laced with fear. “I know, I’m looking for a place where we can wait out the storm” he explained.

The pouring rain was bucketing down harshly and the drops covered JJ’s visor almost completely, blocking his sight.

As a result he didn’t see the puddle you were heading straight to.

Lifting up your head, you peeped over JJ’s shoulder, noticing the puddle.

“JJ! LOOK OUT!” You alarmed him, but before either of you could process anything, he lost control over the bike.

The wheels slid, you reluctantly took a wild left turn, losing balance and hitting a tree, causing the bike to flip over to the side.

JJ lunched forward, slamming his ribs onto the twist-grip, then hitting the ground, his shoulder breaking his fall, delivering all of his weight to it causing him to whimper in pain.

You on the other hand, weren’t so fortunate.

You spent your entire life frightened by mishaps like this one, certain that if you were ever to be in a vehicle accident, nevertheless a motorcycle, the only thing you would be able to focus on would be the pain.

But to your surprise, it wasn’t.

To be honest you couldn’t focus on anything, because the second you tried moving, you felt a dull pain wash over you, and your eyelids suddenly felt like they weighed 800 tons.

The pain traveled through your body, and you could feel it in your bones, it completely drained you of any power you had left from the adrenaline. You blinked slowly and heavily.

JJ rushed to you and placed your head on his lap, taking off your helmet and brushing the strands of your disheveled hair out of your face. He noticed there was blood on your forehead, caused by a tree branch after your visor was torn off. It made him absolutely hysterical.

You couldn’t move, you couldn’t speak, all you wanted to do in that moment was sleep. He immediately called 911, waiting for an ambulance as he brushed your hair ever so lightly, terrified of hurting you more than he already had.

The sight of your delicate, weak figure shattered his heart, he kept telling himself this could have been prevented. If only he listened to you, if only he had accepted back then that motorcycles are dangerous. You looked so fragile, vulnerable, and worst of all, in pain. He couldn’t stand the thought of him being the reason.

He noticed you started closing your eyes for longer periods of time and it caused him to freak out even more, if possible. “Y/N?” You tried responding but the tiredness just wouldn’t let you. “Hey! Don’t close your eyes- don’t you dare close your fucking eyes!” He seethed, furious at himself for putting you in this situation.

The last thing you remember was the faint sound of sirens and a sharp pain in your arm, then your vision went black.

The next thing you knew you were on a small, lumpy bed, you shifted uncomfortably, the smell of cleaners enveloped you and you were woken up by the sound of someone shutting a door, audible sounds of chatter came from the other side of the wall. The bright recessed light coming from the ceiling blinded you and you squinted your eyes, feeling an indistinct ache in your head.

You felt giddy and let out a frustrated groan farrowing your eyebrows causing a sharp pain above them. You hissed in pain, then touched your forehead, where you felt a thread, figuring out they stitched up a deep wound.

You casually moved your hand to scratch the odd itch on your elbow, but your fingertips were met with solid plaster instead of soft skin.

You looked down at your right arm and noticed it was in a cast, and your ankle swathed in a bandage, which got stuck under the engine, fracturing it when the bike flipped over.

“Well that’s just fucking great” you muttered under your breath sighing in exasperation.

“Shit! JJ!” you squealed, panicking as you scanned the room. You were so distracted by your pain that for a second you forgot he was there with you.

Five seconds barely passed by and the door was swang open revealing a worried JJ.

You sat up, relief washing over you as he rushed towards your bed and cradled your head tenderly in his arms, squeezing you ever so slightly, as if you were made of china and he was scared that if he added any more pressure, you’d break.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, his voice mellow, calming you down.

“Well, my head kinda hurts and i feel a bit nauseous but pretty numb overall” he stroked your hair as you spoke. “It’s because of the medication” a doctor chimed in as she entered the room “you’re on quite a lot of pain killers”.

“Oh, well, thank you so much for helping us” you trailed off, “but we really should get going”, not wanting to stay there any longer than you had to since hospitals gave you the creeps.

“Actually, I’d prefer you stay here overnight for supervision, both of you” mentioned the doctor before leaving you and JJ alone in the room.

“Well, you heard the lady, guess we’re sleeping here tonight” JJ noted plopping down on a chair beside your hospital cot. “Na-uh” you scoffed, struggling to get off the bed “there is no way in hell i’m spending the night in a hospital”.

JJ gave you a concerned look “but the doctor ordered-“ “no no no, she recommended, see the difference?” you cut him off, motioning with your hand that you need help standing up.

JJ felt so bad he didn’t even argue, and you knew he would be able to take care of you if anything happened during the night.

The two of you started walking, well, he walked, you limped, clutching onto his bicep for support, as you searched for the exit for what felt like forever, all of the corridors looked the same and you were worn out.

“Dang, I just wanted to watch the maze runner, not be in it” you whined and he chuckled at your despair filled tone.

Eventually you found your way out, recognising the VW you’d grown to love so much, parked in front of you. The doors opened and four frames of what you made out to be your friends came running straight towards you and JJ, clasping you in their arms, careful not to hurt either of you.

“What are you guys doing here??” You asked, giggling at the intense feeling of your heart swell.

“I’m JJ’s emergency contact. The second we got a call from the hospital saying you two got in a motorcycle accident, we rushed here” John B. explained, “We were really worried” Sarah added as you made your way towards the van.

“I’m just glad you two are okay” Kie admitted helping JJ lift you into the van. “Yeah, both of you got really lucky” Pope pointed out, “I’m surprised the doctor didn’t ask you to stay overnight”

“Oh she did, I just really didn’t want to” you confirmed, eating the piece of chocolate Sarah handed you knowing it’s your favorite, as John B. started driving towards the chateau.

“Are you crazy?! What if you have a concussion??” Pope yelled panicking, astound by your stupidity, not a surprise “You know they ask you to stay overnight for a reason! The adrenaline your body releases after an accident can mask symptoms of an injury!” He revealed.

“Well that’s why we keep you around, Dr. Spock” JJ joked causing you all to laugh.

When you arrived at the chateau, you and JJ went to the spare room, both desperate for a shower. He helped you with your cast, sealing it with a trash bag and assisted you in stripping out of your clothes. He washed your body for you, and felt horrible knowing you won’t be able to do it normally by yourself for a while.

When you got out of the shower JJ wrapped a towel around his hips then helped you wrap one around your torso. When you turned to him you noticed he had a huge bruise on his abdomen.

You grazed your fingers over the the dark purple swollen skin, brushing it gently, then let your fingers skim over JJ’s wounded shoulder travelling down to the palm of his hand, linking his fingers with yours.

You averted your gaze to his eyes only to find them already on you, filled with awe and remorse as a single tear escaped one of them.

You immediately opened your arms pulling him to you, as close as you possibly could. He buried his face in the crook of your neck sobbing, littering your clean skin with his salty tears.

“I’m so sorry, this is all my fault” he apologised, he could never describe the feeling of guilt he had, knowing he hurt the one person he loves most in this world, the one person he never wanted to see in pain, let alone be the reason for it.

“J, this isn’t-“ “no this is! If only I’d listened- y-you wouldn’t be hurting, and we wouldn’t have bumped into that stupid tree in the first place-“ he started swallowing his words “I don’t know what I’d do to myself if I ever lost you- I-“ he choked on his own tears.

You knew nothing you said mattered cause he wouldn’t listen, he was far too convinced this was all on him. So you just held him tightly for as long as you could, you tried soothing him by placing tender, lingering kisses to his nose, cheeks and forehead speaking only in a hush tone, reassuring him “it’s okay, I’m okay. I’m not going anywhere”. You stayed with him like that until he calmed down.

The two of you got dressed and headed towards the living room where you were met by the others spread across the couch. ”Aren’t you two tired?” Kie asked signaling you to sit. JJ plopped down on the couch beside you, letting you lean your head on his unharmed shoulder.

“Oh sweetheart, in the last five hours I managed to get in a motorcycle accident, go to the hospital, get drugged by so many pain killers, which by the way are still affecting, I managed to escape the labyrinth I was in and get to the chateau alive with a broken arm, fractured ankle, not to mention my stitched forehead and now, I will watch the maze runner. And all of you are going to sit your asses down and enjoy the goddamn movie with me, because I fucking deserve it, thank you very much” you finished your rant of breath.

They all looked at you with wide eyes and parted lips, slightly scared. “Yes ma’am” John B. agreed and turned on the tv. One movie turned into two and eventually you watched all three movies until the sun came up. By the end of the last one, you were all in tears. You fell asleep on the pullout couch on top of each other.

Maybe you were in physical pain, but being surrounded and cared for by your favorite people made you forget all about it, they made you feel whole.

—

A/N: by the way i decided to make a taglist!

feel free to add yourself <3

[obxfics]

The Dock

summary: in your search for your cousin, you check the dock where you find him with someone you least expected

pairing: john b x reader

word count: 2,600

beta’d by: @thatjohnd​

taglist: @obxlife​ @infinityspacesuniverse​ @diverrdown​ (if you want to be added let me know!)

a/n: here’s the first pogue fic for choose your own adventure! i might make a part two for the dock just because of how i ended it lmao but y’all tell me what you think. i’ll link back to the intro at the bottom and to a part two when that’s written!

Introduction

While you and your brothers were frantically searching for your cousin, John B was rearranging some things in the boat at the dock. He and the other Pogues had driven to the country club to drop JJ off at work and had just decided to stay for a bit. Kie and Pope were off doing some other things--Kie was probably walking along the beach while Pope was using the club’s high speed internet. John B was content to mess around with the boat and maybe go fishing for a bit before he needed to return to drive everyone home. He was bent down to check on some new scuff mark when he heard humming a little bit farther down the dock. Suddenly the humming stopped with a gasp, and then little feet were pounding on the wood planks towards his boat.

“Mister!” a small voice called from somewhere above him. “Um, excuse me, mister?”

John B stopped what he was doing and looked up to see a cute kid standing at the edge of the dock. He had curly brown hair and dimples that were on full display as he grinned at the older boy. John B blinked and looked around for anyone to whom this kid belonged.

“Uh, hey, little man,” John B greeted with a hesitant smile. He knelt down to be on eye-level with the boy. “What can I do for you?”

He didn’t think it was possible, but the little boy smiled even wider, and if he was being honest, John B could feel his heart melt a little.

“Is this your boat?” the boy asked.

“Yeah, she’s mine.”

The boy’s eyes lit up, and a giggle bubbled up from his stomach. “It looks just like my Grandpa’s boat!”

This surprised John B. The boy looked the part of a baby Kook: nice clothes, clean face, and obviously came from the country club up the hill. Yet here he was, talking to John B with the biggest, sweetest grin on his face, and he was saying that his Grandpa’s boat was like the HMS Pogue.

“Your Grandpa’s boat is like this?”

“Just like it! He takes me fishing on it when I visit him! When he doesn’t have work.” The boy looked down and frowned. “He works a lot. He doesn’t have a lot of time to take me fishing.”

“What’s your name, little man?”

“I’m J-”

“JAIME!”

Both boys looked up the hill in surprise when they heard your frantic shout. Jaime smiled and waved when he saw you running down the dock toward John B’s rickety boat. The breath caught in your throat when you saw exactly who your baby cousin was talking to. Shit. John B, on the other hand, was just as surprised to see you. The kid had been talking about his Grandpa as if he was a Pogue, and yet he seemed to belong to you. It just didn’t make sense.

“y/n!” Jaime called happily, grabbing your hand and pointing to John B’s boat. “Doesn’t it look like Grandpa’s? The one we go fishing on?”

“Yeah, it does,” you agreed, your eyes locked on John B’s. “Was he bothering you?”

“He belong to you?” John B asked.

“My baby cousin. This is Jaime.”

John B waved to Jaime and held out his fist for a fist bump. “Nice to meet you, Jaime. My name’s John B.”

You coughed and looked over at the boat so you wouldn’t have to keep looking at John B. As much as you talked to Kie--and as much as you thought the guy was attractive--you couldn’t remember the last time you had actually talked to him. You felt as if you had completely forgotten how to socialize.

“So what are you guys up to?” he asked as he straightened up.

“Oh, just looking after Jaime. We were gonna go make fun of the golfers, but it doesn’t look like anyone’s out today.” You looked over your shoulder to see your brothers loitering at the top of the hill. “They probably want to go surfing, so Jaime and I will have to find something else to do.”

“I, uh... I could take y’all fishing,” he offered. His eyes widened and cheeks reddened when you looked back at him, as if he couldn’t actually believe he had said that. “I mean, if you want to. If that’s okay with you.”

You blinked a few times, barely registering that Jaime was tugging on your hand and begging you to take John B up on his offer. You were almost completely sure Kie’s friends didn’t like you, John B included, so why the hell was he initiating spending time with you? Finally Jaime yanked your hand hard enough to catch your attention.

“Can we please go fishing with your friend?” Jaime whined, looking up at you with his puppy dog eyes. “Pleeeeaaase?”

“He’s not my--” you cut yourself off with a sigh and finally nodded. “Fine. Let me just tell Christian and Diego what’s going on.”

Jaime cheered and grinned up at John B as you stalked back down the dock. John B smiled and rested his hands on his hips.

“You wanna get in the boat, little man?”

Your baby cousin eagerly put his foot on the edge of the boat but let out a yelp when the boat drifted away from him. Jaime’s arms flailed about as he began to lose his balance. John B was quick to grab Jaime under his armpits and lift him up, letting out a pretend groan as he swung him onto the boat.

“I got you, little man, you’re all good. A little heavy, though,” John B teased.

“Hmph.” A grin threatend to pull at John B’s lips when the little boy stuck up his nose and let out a scoff. He sounded a lot like you when he did that. Maybe you’re just weaker than you look. y/n can carry me just fine.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. Your cousin’s pretty strong.”

Jaime narrowed his eyes at the older boy when John B looked over his shoulder at you and let out a quiet sigh. Why were big kids so weird? You returned with a best slung over your shoulder, no doubt coming from one of the fancy yachts docked nearby.

“Didn’t think Kooks liked to steal form each other,” John B as you approached his boat again.

“It’s called borrowing,” you corrected with a huff, reminding him of Jaime just a few moments before. “And there’s no way I’m letting my baby cousin on your boat without some basic safety.”

“What, you don’t trust me?” he asked as he lifted a hand to you.

You rolled your eyes but accepted the hand he offered to help you into the boat. You felt your cheeks heat up a bit at the feeling of his calloused hand wrapped around yours.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. He wears a vest whenever we go on any boat, even our grandfather’s. Nothing to do with you or your boat. I just gotta look after my baby.”

He watched as you knelt down and helped Jaime put his hands through the safety vest. You were so soft when you looked at your cousin, smiling when you clicked the buckles and tightened the straps so it was all secure. It was weird seeing you like this. Usually whenever John B saw you, you didn’t really spare him a second’s glance. You would wave and offer Kie a small smile, but then you were gone just as quick as you appeared. He was pretty sure you didn’t even like the Pogues. You were something of an enigma to him, but seeing you like this...

“Hey, cap’n,” you said, looking up at him with a teasing smirk, “we gonna go fishing or what?”

John B laughed and shook his head, clearing it of any weird thoughts he was having about you. You were Kie’s friend, and the only reason he had offered to take y’all fishing was because Kie was always talking about how she wished the Pogues would make you feel more comfortable so you would spend more time with her. No other reason whatsoever, especially not because he was feeling a sort of like warmth in his chest around you. He cleared his throat and sat down at the wheel. You held Jaime’s hand and led him to the front of the boat so you could sit and keep a hold on him. Wouldn’t do anyone any good if he took a tumble and landed in the water. Well, at least there weren’t any gators around. That would be new for him.

Jaime giggled in excitement when John B eased the boat away from the dock and into the marsh. You smiled and placed a hand on his head, running your fingers through his curls to calm him down. The boy was practically vibrating with anticipation. You glanced back to see John B focusing on the water ahead. Shit, he really was pretty with his windswept hair and sun kissed skin. You let out a breath through your nose and turned back to the front. It wasn’t fair that someone who disliked you that much could also have such an effect on you. Finally the boat drifted to a stop, and Jaime all but leapt from your arms to scurry over to the captain’s seat where John B was already smiling at him. God, and he was good with kids too?

“Alright, little man, you ready to fish?”

“Yes, sir!” Jaime squealed, giving the older boy a salute.

You sat back and observed silently as John B crouched and instructed Jaime on how to properly bait a hook. Your baby cousin listened, giving the handsome Pogue his undivided attention, and you felt some of the tension in your body melt away. Maybe John B didn’t like you, but he sure seemed to be fond of Jaime. He was good with him. Treated him well. You could see someone like John B being a perfect older brother, or maybe even a fa--

“y/n!”

A quiet gasp escaped you as Jaime’s voice ripped you from your thoughts. Where the hell were you going with that train of thought? Nowhere that was safe in your body wracked with teenage hormones. You chanced a look at John B to see if he could tell that you had just been thinking about jumping his bones, but his eyes were focused solely on Jaime.

“What’s up, bud?”

“I baited a hook!” He held up his fishing rod with a proud smile. “And your friend told me how to cast it!”

“Want me to help you out, little man?” John B asked.

And a fucking cute nickname too? Who did this guy think he was? Making you feel shit.

“No, I’ve got it, thank you!”

You frowned and began to stand up. “Hey, bud, maybe we should let John B help you the first time.”

“I remember from when Grandpa taught me! I’m a big kid, I can do it!”

John B laughed and held up his hands. “Little man seems awfully sure of himself. I say we let him do his thing.”

Your heart did a little flip when John B came over and sat next to you, not even sparing you a glance as he focused on baiting his own hook. Jaime seemed to be doing perfectly fine at the end of the boat, but you couldn’t relax with a cute boy with close to you. What were you supposed to say?

“I, uh,” you said, looking at your hands, “thanks. For, you know, taking us out here.”

“Was gonna do some fishing anyways while waiting for JJ’s shift to finish,” he shrugged. “‘sides, the little man seemed eager to do something. Wouldn’t have been able to sleep tonight if I broke his heart.”

“He likes you.”

“Definitely more than you do.”

The both of you seemed shocked he had said that when your eyes met. His hazel eyes were wide, and they seemed to be full of regret when they looked into yours. What did he even mean by that?

“I--” You blinked a few times as you tried to find the right words to say. “I don’t not like you,” you said. “I mean, I know you guys don’t like me, so I just kinda... stay out of your way.”

“What?”

“Like, I can tell. You and the other boys aren’t exactly my biggest fans, and I know Kie much prefers your company over mine, so I stay out of your hair. I don’t want to make her think she has to choose or anything.”

John B stared at you, seeming to look straight into your soul with those eyes of his. The green in them seemed particularly bright today, and you found yourself unable to look away. Were you under some kinda spell or something? Finally he was the one to tear his gaze from yours as he shook his head and ran a hand through his thick hair.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” he ground out.

“I didn’t mean to call you out of anything! Like, I get it, you guys have been friends longer, and like Kie really only needs me as a friend at school. I don’t take it personally.”

“You know, for how smart Kie makes you out to seem, you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Wh--excuse me?” Okay now you were offended. You knew he didn’t like you, but he’d never outwardly insulted you like this before. “What did you just call me?”

“Do you really, honestly think we don’t like you?”

“Bitch, I know you do. You especially are always giving me this, like, stank eye whenever I pass by.”

“It’s not a stank eye!” he argued, his voice cracking in what you almost thought was embarrassment. “Oh, god, do you really think it’s a stank eye?”

“Literally what else could it be?”

“I am going to kill JJ.” He ran a hand down his face and chanced a quick peek at you from the corner of his eye. “It isn’t a stank eye, y/n. I was attempting something JJ calls a smolder or whatever.”

You blinked. “...A what?”

“He said that’s how he catches the attention of the tourist girls at the Boneyard!”

“You took advice from JJ Maybank?”

“Well he clearly had more game than I did!”

A shriek of laughter tore itself from your throat, and all John B could do was watch in horror as you doubled over cackling. Were those actual tears he saw? This could not be happening right now. You weren’t supposed to laugh at him! You were in the middle of another bout of wheezing laughs when suddenly you cut yourself off with a gasp.

“Wait a second. Why would you be trying to give me a smolder?”

Aw, hell. If John B wasn’t red before, he was positively burning at this point. He coughed and looked over at Jaime, hoping the boy would be struggling so he would have an excuse to get out of this painful conversation. No luck. It was like the kid was born to fish. He fiddled with the bandana around his neck and sighed.

“I... I mean... I don’t why you thought I didn’t like you,” he grumbled. “I was trying to give you the smolder because you never stuck around long enough for me to talk to you, so how else was I supposed to show you I was interested?”

“Interested? In me?”

He rolled his head to the side to give you a look that clearly showed how unimpressed he was with you in that moment.

“Like, for real, how can you be this dense?”

“Listen, I have like one friend! I suck at social interaction!”

“Well get better! How could you seriously not tell I liked you?”

“Your smolder didn’t fuck work, obviously!”

He let out a small huff and smiled at you shyly. The breath caught in your throat as his hand edged ever so slowly closer to yours. You could feel the heat rise in your cheeks again when his pinky brushed against the side of your hand briefly before wrapping around your own little finger.

“Well now you know, dumbass. What are you gonna do about it?”

Continue Reading                      Return to the Start

[sortasirius]

“Last Call” and Canon Bi Dean

This is going to be very long, very rambly, and very emotional.

Really though, I had high expectations going into this, and quite honestly?  Jeremy Adams blew me away.

This episode is about Dean’s growth, it’s about who he was to Lee, and who he is now, about overcoming his own desire to just stop caring and keep on fighting for the innocent.  But most importantly to me?  This episode canonized bi Dean.

So let’s just get right into it, we know from the beginning that we’re meeting Lee, Dean’s old friend that Sam doesn’t really know or isn’t really close with, but the way Dean leaves?  He doesn’t want to bring down the mood of Sam and Eileen in his post breakup depression funk?  Good grief.

The bar is cool and right up Dean’s alley, and right out of the gate we get the promo scene with the waitress that we were all wigging out about.  And my hunch was right, Dean just kinda rolls right by, which man, Dean from season 1?  Hell no.  She’s just his type, clearly into him, and yet, Dean’s world literally falls away when he sees Lee Webb singing onstage.

You can’t really do justice to the way with words to the way that Dean looks when he sees Lee and realizes who he is, Jensen and Christian have so much NUANCE in their scenes together, and the history behind them is palpable, even though we don’t know the extent of it.  And Lee is just the same way, looking Dean up and down and “Dean Winchester,” just to hammer home that something is going on here and we should not ignore it.

“You got time?”  “Always.”  Bruh. There are so many details that we can pick up on about them, their relationship, who they were to each other.  Even Dean’s little “you sound good,” come on guys, what the fuck?

That’s another thing: why don’t we know the history?  Why do they shy away from talking about why they split apart?  Dean is clearly upset when Lee mentions Arizona, what happened?  Why did John and Dean never mention Lee? And obviously Lee knows John, hell he seems more sorry than Dean does that John’s dead, but then again, the Dean that Lee remembers idolized John, so that’s definitely a big change for Lee, because Dean clearly doesn’t idolize John anymore.

I just want to hear about everything that’s mentioned in the episode in more detail: Lee and Dean went hunting together, presumably alone, since John caught them drunk on a hunt.  What went on?  I think we know. How often did they hunt together? How long had they known each other? D E T A I L S please Jeremy Adams!!!

“I don’t think I have seen you since Sammy was in college.”

“Right.”

“I mean, hell, I thought you were-”

“Dead?”

Also Lee does this little teasing laugh and everything about them is soft and my chest hurts.

“I mean, that’s usually how this ends, isn’t it?”

And what I want to talk about here is Lee’s reaction, because he doesn’t shrug and do the usual “so it goes” that so many hunters do, he looks at Dean, like really looks at him, he sighs and says a simple “yeah” with this look that’s so soft and so full of something and Dean looks away (doing his eye motion thing he does with Cas) and Lee breaks contact too and looks down and smiles and oh my god.  I told yall this was going to be rambly but I didn’t draw breath while typing that lmao.

I wanna know about the Arizona thing, I want to know why it made Dean uncomfortable when Lee mentioned it, and I want to know why it’s glossed over.  These two were like best friends, you can tell, and for them to just stop talking?  Hm.

They swap tales, talking about the triplets that they “split em up fair and square” even though that’s not possible and they had an orgy obviously.  Dean has this look with the waitress again and you can tell he appreciates it but like?  That’s the end of it?  In the next scene she’s gone and it’s just Lee and Dean talking, Dean making Lee laugh and enjoying it, it’s just so...romantic?

And even though, the second that Lee doesn’t recognize someone he should puts all of us, as the audience on alert, it doesn’t even cross Dean’s mind that Lee is doing something wrong, it’s not even on his radar.

“There’s nothing you can’t have, man.”

“Then who’s gonna kill the bad guys?”

“Somebody else.”

And Dean looks away, because it’s clear what Lee is asking.  He’s asking for Dean to stay.

When Lee starts up the band, I was just struck by how much they look at each other, getting in each other’s space, Lee leaning forward, Dean watching him walk away.  Guys.  This happened in front of our faces on screen.

“Can’t sit around lip syncing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ when no one’s watching.”

This is a callback to the ghost sickness episode, but also an intimate moment that no one gets to see of Dean.  Sam catches him in the act of it on that episode, so how does Lee know he does this?

And then, let’s get to the singing.  Dean’s always postured to Sam that he can’t sing (which we all know Jensen has the voice of an angel) and the buildup to him actually singing was so beautiful, because Lee knows he can, he teases him with the “Eye of the Tiger” thing, winks at him, keeps trying to pull him onstage, stands there and bites his lip when Dean’s singing.  I mean.  I’m at a loss to what else you would think about them, it’s just plain as day: they were together.

The whole thing is just so playful, and we never see playful like this from Dean.  It’s flirty and funny and sweet and just such a nice change of pace, so good for Dean to be with someone that clearly wants to be with him, who he has history with (amidst the divorce he’s currently in w Cas).  Even when they sing together they can’t keep their eyes off of each other and the whole thing is honestly too much it’s so fanfic-y and I can’t handle it.

And then, the big thing, Lee slaps Dean’s ass in the middle of the song, and Dean doesn’t blush, he doesn’t stand up straighter like that’s weird or wrong, he grins this huge amazing beautiful grin and says “you son of a bitch.” What else are we looking for here?  He’s bi.  He’s bi.  With the lighting behind him and the bar named Swayze’s and Lee staring holes through him, we finally saw onscreen, canonical proof that he’s bi.  Sure, it’s been hella subtextual before, but this is text, and no one can ignore it.

At the end of the song, one of Lee’s hands is gripping Dean’s shoulder, and Dean’s arm is around Lee’s waist??????????  Help??????

They round it all out with kicking some gross guys out of Lee’s bar, and Lee stares at Dean and says “still got it.” I mean....I’m running out of ways to say the same thing over and over.

“Best friend’s don’t just leave without saying goodbye.”

“They do if they deserve it.”

Hmmmmmmmm, something to think about with these lines.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on okay, but this is not you.”

Compare that with:

“Cas, this isn’t you, this isn’t you.”

Cool.  Fine.  I want to die.

Lee became the monster because he thought there was no point in being a good person anymore.  You can’t stave them off so you might as well “have a little fun.”  Which I think is interesting because of how apathetic and hopeless Dean’s been since Chuck, since Jack, since Mary, since Rowena, but when it comes down to it, he’s always going to care, which is why we love him.

But what I really want to talk about is the way Dean’s face twists when Lee touches him, he turns his head away, his face contorts, like he wanted Lee to touch him, but not like this.  We’ve seen Dean’s heart break so much in this show, he’s lost so much and so many, but this is something so different.  It’s not only betrayal, or a realization that he has to kill Lee, it’s the loss of what he had with Lee, what he felt for him.  It hurts to watch as an audience member, and I can’t imagine how it is for Dean.

Dean’s voice also breaks when he tries to call Lee back, in case you still had any tears left to cry.

The gunfight is intense, but not nearly as intense as what’s coming.

“I don’t know you.”

“You don’t Dean?  I am you.  I’m just you that woke up and saw that the world was broken.”

“Then you fix it.  You don’t walk away, you fight for it!”

No double meanings in this episode are there?  Perhaps this is a little bit of what happened between them all those years ago bubbling to the surface?

And then we get one of the best fight scenes in the show, and you know when Dean gets that cue stick, that it’s game over for Lee, but what I wasn’t expecting is the sheer heartbreak on Dean’s face.  They both look down at the wound, like they’re both surprised, and Lee holds Dean, he fucking holds him, and this fucking piano music plays when Lee says “okay” and drops to the floor, and Dean leans against the pool table because fuck, how much more can he lose?

And because not even THAT is enough, ten seconds of divorced Destiel distress?  Where Dean clearly wants to talk to Cas but Cas is still giving him the cold shoulder and it breaks Dean’s heart but he doesn’t know how to fix it????

There’s just so much to unpack here, the show is teaching us new things about Sam and Dean and Cas all the time, and yet I feel like I really know Dean know, I;ve seen a little bit of him that I had never seen before, and I’m just grateful. I’m grateful for Dean, grateful for these writers, grateful for his growth.  I’m grateful for the angst and the happiness he had with Lee, however fleeting, and I’m grateful that I get to leave this episode with the fact that Dean is oncreen bi.  Sure, it can be up to interpretation, he didn’t come out and say it, but that’s because he didn’t have to.  Lee knew, so we knew, and that was all that mattered.

This silly, weird show is important to me for so many reasons, (clearly, since I talk about it all the damn time), but Dean especially is so important to me, I see so much of myself in him, and him being allowed to be him, without some grand coming out scene is even better than I could have ever hoped for.  So thank you, Jeremy Adams, for giving us bi Dean, and one of my absolute all time favorite episodes in the show.