#essay in chat

[prinnamon]

How do you feel about the BMS Hev Suit? It's my personal favorite design out of every appearance but I can see why people would be upset with the creative liberties Crowbar Collective took with the design.

-LHLP

OHH this is such a good question to get in my askbox... one that immediately made me boot up Black Mesa so i could get screenshots to answer with. im smiling. im grinning

it's probably pretty easy to figure out that my favorite model is the one from the PS2 port, & i think i knew from previous posts on your blog that the BMS suit was your favorite. i love Black Mesa (2015) as a game but sadly, and im very sorry to say it, i do not love the HEV suit from that game :'] it has qualities that i like, but overall it misses the mark for me!

oh, that was an accidental pun. misses the Mark... like the Mark IV HEV suit. hehe

i'm going to put the rest of this post under a read more... i don't say anything suggestive under the cut unless you count like 1 very tame passing remark about the Mk V's hip plates. but this is quite a long and rambling post because i think about the HEV suit so much & want to be in one so bad & have taken a costume visual development class so i ended up having a ton to say ^_^ !!!

i think i was a tad biased against the BMS suit from the beginning when my good friend who started playing Black Mesa before i did pointed out that it looks less like a Mk IV and more like "a modified Mk V." i think it was right on the mark with that comment, and that's probably the source of most the things that irk me about the suit

pictured, in order: HL1 suit, PS2 suit, HL2 suit, BMS suit

i know the HL1 and PS2 renders being in 3/4 view while the HL2 and BMS suits are viewed straight on is unhelpful since this is meant to be a direct comparison, but i'm getting these images (excluding my own Black Mesa screenshot) from Combine Overwiki, which doesn't have a 3/4 view for the Mk V or a front view of either of the Mk IVs!

when you look at them all next to one another, it's pretty clear how the BMS model uses the Mk V as a base as opposed to upscaling one of the Mk IVs or creating one from scratch based on its prior iterations in games and promotional art. i have nothing against the Mk V, but the Mk IV is my true love. to me, the BMS suit is like the Mk V with a Mk IV coat of paint.

however! i do want to rattle off a couple things i feel the BMS suit got super correct. the accordion joints look exactly as they should. they're all the same color (it irks me a little in the HL1 model and promotional art when some of them look more copper/red while some of them are black), and they're present on both the elbows and torso where they belong (HL1 doesn't have them in either area and PS2 is just missing accordion joints on the elbows). i adore how and metallic they look in the PS2 model, but it raises some questions about what material they're made from and whether such a material would actually be both flexible and durable. in BMS they look like they're made of a tough synthetic fabric, and that makes perfect practical sense.

and, really, i have to stress that none of my complaints matter all that much, because Black Mesa positively nails what is objectively the most important part of the suit: the gloves. after the HEV suit's introductory scene and all the way up until Xen, you don't see any part of it but the hands and forearms since the game is in first person. and the hands and forearms are perfect. i don't think the player character's hands have ever looked better in a half-life game. incredibly nice to look at, i think.

it knocked those elements out of the part. sadly i have a bunch of nitpicks about other aspects of the design which don't appeal to me as much as the other iterations of the Mk IV!

most of the areas that were shiny and silver in the original Mk IV have been replaced with a black material that has a more matte texture. it could very well still represent metal, but it's always looked to me more like hard plastic or vinyl. i really like the appearance of the Mk IV's shiny metal parts, probably because i love the texture of metal in real life and it looks like it would feel so so so nice to touch. the change of material is a downgrade for me :[

additionally, some of the elements which felt really three-dimensional in the PS2 model look flatter in the BMS model. i liked all the visible grooves and seams of the PS2 model. by comparison, in Black Mesa, those details either look sanded down or are entirely absent. i think this is most evident on the lower half. the vents on the outer part of the thigh plating take up significantly less surface area, and they also look quite a bit flatter. the boots are missing all the detail they used to have, without even the orange plating on the top of the foot. it just... looks like it'd be less fun to run my hands along, because there's fewer unique textures, fewer seams you could trace with your fingers.

the control panel... it really is just slapped in the empty space left under the lambda logo in the Mk V. i love the way the buttons are set deeper into the chestplate in the PS2 model. In BMS, it's level with the rest of the chestplate and has raised buttons. seems like that'd make it easier for them to be pressed accidentally, which would pose some practical problems. and the black and silver part under the control panel... there just isn't any basis for that in any of the art or models of the Mk IV except possibly in the HL1 promo art of Gordon Freeman if you squint.

i find the level of detail in the greaves kinda disappointing, but to tell the truth, i don't think i like the lower legs of *any* of the suits, so now i'm not even truly complaining about a problem unique to the BMS suit. the ideal HEV suit greaves exist only in my mind. the two silver pieces in the front, though... i really think they need to be interpreted as some kind of closure, or else they're just purposeless greebles. on the Mk V, the function of these metal pieces is not evident based on their appearance, so that area ends up looking confusing and visually cluttered. this is carried over almost 1:1 to the BMS suit. every HEV design kinda breaks down when you think about how it would be put on and taken off, but looking at the front of the greaves on the Mk V and BMS suit *really* reminds me of the fact that this armor just does not make a lot of sense

lastly, i think this is probably a less a popular opinion, but from a design standpoint i do prefer what i've heard people refer to as the "metal diaper" situation in the HL1 and PS2 models over what the BMS suit has going on down there. essentially, they've stolen the Mk V's love handles and then put a sort of rounded flat piece over the groin area that has always felt out of place to me. it doesn't speak to any other part of the design; it's not echoed in any other area/element (which is the same gripe i have whenever a suit design's accordion joints aren't consistent).

i think that's most of if not all my issues with it! to be honest, i really don't think i *have* seen a perfect HEV suit model in any official or unofficial Half-Life game. i'm in love with the PS2 model, but i still think there's things wrong with the greaves on that one, and none of the suits has any visual indication of how a wearer gets in or out. a lot of my dislike for the BMS suit in particular is because i'm a massive fan of the Mk IV, so to see a suit that purports to be the Mk IV when it really has more in common with the Mk V is a disappointment. like i said, though, you really don't see much of the suit in-game, and the gloves are spot-on, so the model achieves the main goal it needs to achieve. i just can't get into it as much as i'm into the PS2's Mk IV.

i hope this seems fair and wasn't much longer of a reply than was warranted :'] i don't want it to seem like i'm trashing your favorite suit design, LHLP, because i can still see the things you like about it even if it doesn't resonate with me! anyway thanks so much for the ask because i really enjoyed getting to answer it. i hope you have a good one!!

[ancientpersacom]

Adrien: I’m cold, I should have bought a jacket

Luka: here take mine

Adrien: thanks… Hm the sleeves are kind of long on me

Luka: … go ahead, stim

Adrien: *aggressively flaps long sleeves*

[camcorderrevival]

amy pond: on beauty, ageing and birth ( part two here )

[ all text with grey background is from the lovely @amelia​​​​ <3 the most accomplished amy scholar of our time || the eleventh hour, flesh and stone, meanwhile in the tardis, amy’s choice, S5 draft of the doctor’s wife ]

[beedreamscape]

I'm pretty much the worst person to even weigh in on this topic because I've been partial to Suvi since day one, but in my opinion there wasn't ever a need to explain or justify Suvi's choices/reactions.

Not because she's perfect, never wrong (though in my heart I know...) but because I'm very certain that the people that keep on hammering on her mistakes/shortcomings/tendencies are people that already dislike Suvi (or don't like Aabria very much, I wish this wasn't a topic of consideration but even 30+ eps in there's still people like that around) for whatever reason and gather excuses to justify their bias against her and no amount of explanation will turn their hearts in her favour.

It really feels like a parallel to the way Suvi herself tries to be understood by her friends and yet she fails time and time again.

And people insist on forgetting that Suvi is not the Citadel, she's just one young wizard of the Citadel.

And it's gut-wrenching how much I relate to that feeling of alienation before every corner she tries to fit in: amongst her citadel peers she's othered by her position and privilege, and now by her friendship to a witch and a spirit; between her friends she's the odd-one-out because of her Citadel connections and the nature of her power; and now amongst the witches she stands out by being the face of the "enemy".

I don't blame her for clinging to the little corner of the world that has not made her feel foreign despite the very nature of her presence: in Steel's family whom she's not related to by blood, yet completely by heart.

And it'll never be a fair game. The girls especially are very young and with new-found independence, they're given colossal decisions to make, and that before beings older than three generations of them combined and incomprehensively more powerful and less empathic.

As much as Mirara wants there to be a good witch and bad witch, there's no such thing as black and white, there are decisions and consequences, what one does with the power they're given. There is no right or wrong in a fight filled with so much heart, there was never a world where a fight between Ame and Suvi would be clean.

[anna-scribbles]

congrats dr. swift on the new lovesquare album 

(lyrics from labyrinth by taylor swift) 

[letterex-fyofm]

tskym thought because finals are over wii

Most people talk about how Tadashi puts Tsukki on a pedestal. I actually thought that the first time I watched Haikyuu. I thought that Tadashi's moment consisted of him standing up to Tsukki and pushing him off the pedestal and finally having both of them stand on the same level

Now I rewatched Haikyuu, and rewatched it again and again. Read bits of the manga, watched stage plays, read Furudate's statements, you get the gist.

I don't think Tadashi ever put Tsukki on a pedestal. I think we can all agree that Kei is pretty cool. If anything, his moment at the Shiratorizawa match served to confirm it to us. Tadashi always saw his friend for who he was, someone cool. Yeah, Kei may not view it that way. We know very well how low his self-esteem used to be. Which is funny, since his best friend looks at him as if he is the one who hung up the stars in the sky. Kei doesn't think he is worthy of that look, and he tells Yamaguchi to be quiet. Because he knows how it feels to admire someone so much and then be disappointed when they fail to reach your expectations. Akiteru lied to protect the image his little brother had of him. Kei tells Yamaguchi to be quiet to prevent other people get that image of him which he thinks it's false.

But Tadashi laughs and says a sorry he doesn't really mean, because Tadashi knows it is true. And thus, Tsukki gives up and rolls with what Yamaguchi says.

That's what gets Tadashi so mad. Because he knows his friend is so cool, so why is he acting so lame? Tadashi never says "you're lame", but "you're being lame". He never chews down Tsukki in his rant but instead reminds him of the attributes he has. Tsukki is tall, he is smart. He could be the best if he wanted. Why can't he see that?

Tadashi didn't kick Tsukki from the pedestal he had built, because there was never a pedestal in the first place. There is a popular phrase that goes around everywhere: what I would give to make you see yourself in the way I see you. For me, their fight in the training camp was Tadashi shoving a mirror in front of Kei's face, both to make him realise how lame he is acting and how much it didn't suit someone as cool as him.

But Kei doesn't see that, because he is too busy seeing Tadashi.

I think Kei too had the image of Tadashi that I used to have: that Tadashi had him on a pedestal. And of course, that is not really cool. Kei resents his younger self for putting so much pressure on his brother. Maybe he thinks that, even if Tadashi was sincere, their friendship was not. For him, Tadashi loved someone who Kei was not. Just like little Kei admired someone Akiteru was not. Was that maybe why he appeared so closed off to Yamaguchi during the first chapters?

But Tadashi had the guts to grab him from his collar, jank him front and back, and yell at his face: What more do you need than pride.

So, Tadashi sees Kei as who he is. A flawed person, who is still cool. And the Tadashi who was a reflection of Kei's younger self, a lost boy who didn't know better, that image shatters in front of Kei's eyes. Because Tadashi was never looking up to an illusion but looking at Kei straight in the eyes.

And the Tadashi Kei sees is someone really cool. And that really cool guy thinks he is cool.

So, even if he is not convinced, he goes to ask for help to gym 3. And we know the rest of the story.

[danwhobrowses]

So there was a Callowmoore question on 4SD which has got people talking and since nobody will ask me about it I'm gonna get it out of my brain anyway.

For someone on 4SD as frequently as Taliesin, Callowmoore questions are rare and I think that partly comes from us fans not wanting to try and steer him but also because his answers tend to be complicated. He's quite plain with other stuff, but a lot also gets offered into interpretation when it comes to Ashton and Fearne.

And granted, we Callowmoores would love for him to pull a Liam and just up and say Ashton has feelings for her, but I think we all know that's not Tal's way; aside from the nuggets of wisdom, killer one-liners and unique homebrews, we tend to love Tal's characters for their actions and expressions, some of which subtle and rewarding to those paying attention. For this reason I have had to mull over this one minute answer for most of my day and figure out what I think he means by it, like blue curtains in a book.

To note though, 'I think' is the operative term, but I also don't believe that Tal has left Callowmoore better or worse by his response.

One of the interesting things I want to point out is that my interpretations are observing the divide between Taliesin's words and his roleplaying; it is not to say that Tal is being dishonest in his answers, but I also see it as the answers are what Ashton thinks and his roleplay is how they feel.

So no, Ashton isn't 'precious' about Fearne wandering off when sleeping beside each other, if she said no or came back safely it wouldn't have bothered them, and it's fair for Ashton to have preferred Fearne to have woke them up. And yet that doesn't deny the reaction Ashton had waking up to find her gone and fearing that she's in danger, and not there to help her; the panic, the anger, the impatience are all clear and instinctive reactions Ashton is having that imply that her being with them is important. They're not precious about Fearne waking up and leaving the bed before they wake, and yet they'll still smile upon waking and finding that she's still there.

The 'Adventurers with Benefits' is one of two comments I can see being used maliciously against shippers, but it's worth reminding that on the last Callowmoore question Tal was asked, he mentioned that Ashton doesn't believe that someone would love them. Ashton feels unlovable, and yet they still ask for intimacy with Fearne, leaning further into their connection but also not pressuring her into commitment. It's also worth pointing out that this is still a slow burn, even Jester questioned whether her feelings for Fjord were legitimate or a romanticized fantasy at one point, and Ashton is not privy to Fearne's feelings for them. Ashton frames it as Adventurers with Benefits because they don't allow themselves to entertain the idea of Fearne reciprocating feelings for them, and yet their impulse to kiss her before absorbing the shard, to frequently engage in physical contact at a growing rate, to playfully steal and share each other's clothing, the desire to defend her from harm or anyone that might have ulterior motives, and to willingly do anything and everything just for her to smile in their direction again, that paints more of a picture than just benefits.

Which finally gets us to Ashton's theory of love. Tal mentions that Ashton believes that love is 'wanting to trust somebody, but not trusting them'. Immediately: No, haters, I don't think this means Ashton doesn't trust Fearne, nor do I think it means that Ashton trusts Fearne so they don't love her. Ashton trusts all the Hells (well, maybe not Braius since they just met), but Fearne is special to them in a different way, they've already platonically said that they loved her when they first were using their titan forms. In addition, this could be an elaboration of the last time Tal brought up Ashton's opinion of Love on the post-shard Callowmoore question: 'love is ignorance and adorableness'. This is another thing that can develop, elaborate and/or change over time, but at the current moment Ashton's interpretation of love can come from environment; Imogen wants to trust Laudna but can't wholly trust her given Delilah, but even Ashton can see that they love each other. Tal also mentioned that Ashton is not very experienced in relationships - which kinda plays into my belief that Ashton and Fearne, while have had relationships, haven't had deep romantic feelings or proper intimacy before, which makes them discovering it with each other more special - so their understanding of love can only exist on what they assume it's like.

And yet what if you reworded the phrase in the same spirit? 'Love is trusting someone wholeheartedly even with nothing to reassure it', there have been many a time something looked to go south and faith was put in another anyway; the shard may be a bad example because it did go wrong but even though the red flags were there Ashton upon completing the process said 'thank you for trusting me', when Fearne took the shard Ashton was a bag full of panic their experience meant they couldn't trust that the shard wouldn't be just as bad for Fearne, and yet they still wanted to trust that Fearne would succeed. Ashton couldn't trust that whenever Fearne was wild shaped, cornered by Otohan, or taken away by Ira on Ruidus that she'd come back safe, and yet still wanted to trust that she would, Ashton couldn't confirm that Fearne wasn't a Doppelganger in Nanna Mori's trust trial - even when FCG and Imogen suspected it was her - and yet they still wanted to trust that it was her. Ashton's view on love may not be entirely right but it's not entirely wrong either, what is blind faith if not ignorant and adorable? Even with their interpretation, Ashton has put plenty of faith in Fearne even when the risk was high.

In conclusion, Ashton's behaviour towards Fearne do often imply a complexity rather than a discrepancy to Tal's 4SD statements, that maybe Ashton's emotions and subconscious are not in sync with their self-doubt driven thoughts, perhaps it is the way Ashton tempers their feelings to try and not get hurt by them or cause Fearne to get hurt by them again. Ashton's apology to her post-shard made a point of noting how she means a lot to them, and how hurting her was one of the worst things they have done, and as they work towards self-improvement and self-discovery, there will likely be a point where self-realisation comes into play too, and they can understand why what they're thinking differs to how they're feeling.

Again, this is all interpretation, speculation and observation, one that like the core statements doesn't add or subtract but fills in some gaps either way. Ashton's feelings are a complicated matter, which is likely why Tal entices and creates such speculation with a complicated answer. Right now Ashton clearly does care for Fearne and share a special relationship that's regrowing after suffering tension, loss and fear, blooming back into trust, joy and comfort, but save 5 Disney Greek Muses backing him up in a Gospel song they're not just gonna out and say they're in love

And Yet...

[luckydoeslanguage]

🎏Immersion, its quirks, and tips for language learning this way!

its the 5th of May, so happy children's day! 🎏 I got a question in one of my posts asking for some advice on immersion learning! i thought it would be a good opportunity to talk about immersion in general, my current study(?) routine and perhaps give some useful advice! As the name suggests, Immersion language learning is done primarily by consuming media in your target language. Immersion can seem super intimidating to us learners, mostly cause we can't understand most of the stuff available to us. But! its not impossible to start out using immersion right out of the gate. i think people tend to get scared or go "I'll immerse when i get better at my TL!" But the truth of the matter is, your not going to get used to, or better at your target language unless you consume actual content. (in my opinion.)

Honestly, a lot of immersion learning is being able to tolerate that i probably wont understand everything right away. I will someday, but for now i have to be comfortable with not understanding a lot. which is okay! So, what is my current study routine?

right now, my routine consists of:

doing vocabulary cards on Anki from a premade anki deck.

playing about an hour of Animal crossing everyday

watching 1 - 3 episodes of an anime

watching Youtube videos

weekly (ish) grammar done by reading Imabi, and watching Cure Dolly videos on Youtube.

The bread and butter of my routine is learning vocab, and occasional grammar studies. I'm using the core2k/6k deck. which as the name implies, is an optimized vocab deck that contains the most common 6k JP vocabulary. i currently take 5 new vocab cards a day, and try to get my reviews in everyday. my anki deck has contributed a lot to me being able to immerse so early in my language journey. learning and then reviewing new words everyday lets me recognize words in my immersion. As time has gone on, i can recognize more and more words, and even some words I haven't encountered yet in my deck. Immersion, while still uncomfortable, (especially with complex media) is the other side of the coin. i try to spend double the time i spend on anki, immersing. Mostly because i enjoy what I'm immersing in, but also because i get more out of it the more time i spend immersing.

"that's all well and good Lucky, but what advice would you give to someone who wants to learn this way?"

Well! first of all, and this is very important:

Be comfortable with ambiguity. you may not be able to understand some, or maybe most of the thing you are immersing in. that's okay! Your brain is already looking for patterns to see in your TL, and is growing more accustomed to it. I got a lot of headaches in the beginning, i still do actually. but i know that's my brain working hard! (take a break if you get a headache!!)

Second, and probably just as important:

Follow your interests. make immersion fun! whats the point of immersing if its torturous?! I'm a lot more likely to continue immersing in something if i actually enjoy it. there are a lot of easier anime to immerse in, but if I'm not having fun, I'm not going to learn anything. you should do the same! even if its too difficult to understand. I'm currently watching someone on YouTube play a dating sim, and even though its waaaay above my skill level, I'm really enjoying myself watching it! I've even recognized some words i know. whole sentences, even.

Third:

Be Consistent! This is probably advice you've already heard, but it bears repeating! even if you do something small like listening to a song in your TL, that's immersion babyy :) consistency is key, above all.

Lastly: Track your Immersion. a problem with immersion is it can feel like you are going nowhere. tracking how much time you spend doing an activity, (watching videos, reading, etc) is a great way to make immersion more tangible. lots of people reccomend toggl, but i personally use polylogger. its built with language learners in mind, and is stupidly easy to use. i also keep personal logs in an online diary, as well as here on my blog to measure my progress. it helps!

alright, i think thats everything i have to say for now! if you've made it to the end of this long post, hello! and thank you <3 hope you've had a good day so far! I will leave you with some links to more reading on the subject under the cut, they go into more detail than i have here.

take care for now! またね！

this article by Refold about tolerating ambiguity:

The Moe ways guide to immersion:

Making the leap to Immersion, Video by Cure Dolly:

[eeveecraft]

The Fracturing and Decline of the Tulpamancy Community

Why am I back? Well, I've been thinking about this for a while and a friend of mine just discovered the Tulpamancy stuff. If you're reading this, you know who you are. Still not happy that you found out, but it got me thinking about some stuff I want to write down.

So, some of you may know, #RedditTulpas, the official r/Tulpas Discord server shut down like, a few months ago. The Tulpa.info server got shut down back in 2023, and there's also the debacle that happened with Tulpa Chat several years ago. Basically, all of the largest Tulpamancy Discord servers get shut down for whatever reason once they hit a certain point. The main reason why tends to be drama driving the staff to their wits end, which eventually leads to the server being shut down for the well-being of the staff's mental health.

I mean, I guess there's Tulpa Central with its 1,300+ members, but even though Kopase (eugh) isn't the owner anymore, it's still a server that deliberately excludes other forms of Plurality, and I don't think communities like that should be encouraged to exist. Because let's be honest, that's just thinly-veiled ableism and ignores how Tulpamancy techniques can help disordered systems function better. Oh, that and the fact that other plurals can have tulpas, too.

I also want to bring up how r/Tulpas has drastically declined in quality; we are especially cognizant of it because we moderate that subreddit. There's a lot of low-effort, redundant, and sometimes low-key unhinged posts on the Subreddit, and there is very little actual productive discussion. Most posts there nowadays are just questions, many of which have to be removed because they're already questions that are answered in the FAQ or so basic that they should be asked in the pinned post.

With Reddit specifically, I think a factor in this decline is the direction Reddit has been going with trying to become a publicly traded company, especially with their API changes essentially killing third-party apps. That, and Reddit gleefully giving away all of its user posts to OpenAI with no ability to opt out. We ourselves only check Reddit to moderate the subreddit nowadays because of these changes, and we wouldn't be surprised if others followed suit.

However, this doesn't discredit the general trend we've seen with the larger Tulpamancy communities just declining or outright dying.

The Tulpamancy side of Tumblr has been pretty quiet for several years now with the only major Tulpamancy-specific blog besides ourselves really being Sophie's and maybe Caflec's, and we're hardly active in terms of making posts (we just don't have much to talk about anymore).

There was also the Tulpa.info Mastodon instance, Tulpas.social, but that died pretty damn fast. Plural Café closed invites the moment we tried recommending it to others and has been gradually falling apart, too.

My point is: there's hardly any actual large gatherings of Tulpamancy systems anymore. I remember in one of my Tulpamancy Help videos, I explained how the community became fractured, but I think it's gotten even worse. Like, don't get me wrong, I don't think the community should be a monolith; niches exist for a reason. However, there's something just... disheartening about seeing gatherings of 1,000+ Tulpamancy systems just getting dissolved; thousands of people conversing, exchanging ideas, and helping each other just... separated.

You're probably wondering, "Well, if you're complaining about it, you surely have some kind of solution, right?" Well, not really. it seems to be a cycle tied with the general makeup of the community; enough people in the community just seem to be drawn to petty arguments and drama that takes a toll on the people who manage these communities. So for larger gathering to exist, the people need to be palatable. Otherwise, as new communities form and people flock to them, the same people that caused the downfall of the others before will follow suit. And to be frank, I don't quite have a solution in regards to getting people to stop gravitating towards and starting mentally-taxing drama. That's up for the individuals inside the community to figure out, let alone want to change.

So, what's the conclusion? I guess it's just that I believe the community is heading towards some kind of recession, a dark age of some kind. And that makes me sad to extent because the more Tulpamancy spreads, the more its techniques can be used to help people. There's a reason anthropologists and psychologists are studying Tulpamancy, especially with the interest in its possible therapeutic applications. Despite that, I want to be optimistic and hope that eventually, the community finds its stride again instead of fading into further obscurity.

7-15-2024

[heroictoonz]

I wanna talk about how Kai is the most self sacrificial yet still most selfish person in Ninjago because it’s so fucking important to me

[canesshuga]

SONGS THAT CARRIED ME THROUGH 2021 (37/60)

Chloe x Halle - Forgive Me

[prinnamon]

i was gonna comment this under a youtube video but at this point i think it needs to be its own post.

sometimes i forget how frustrating Xen was to play because i adore it so much from a narrative standpoint. throughout the entirety of half-life 1, you are fighting creatures who have been ripped from their natural environment and thrust into an unfamiliar place. some of them are sentient but enslaved, having no choice but to fight you and aid the invasion of Earth. some of them have an intelligence more comparable to animals, and they are reacting to the situation as animals react, fighting and utilizing their own evolved defense mechanisms to prolong their own lives, but since this harms us and others we are forced to see them as a threat and eliminate them.

Xen puts the player in the position of the alien, ripped from your home and sent somewhere totally unlike anything you have seen before. you have no frame of reference, nothing to which to compare your surroundings. every outside stimulus is completely new and you have to process it all at once every second with no prior experience to draw from. and the things here, whether they mean to be or not, are hostile to you, so you have to fight back. gordon is now in the position of Houndeye #274 who was eebied from its relaxing healing spring into the bright unwelcoming halls of Black Mesa!!! i think it could even be argued that gordon's position is almost even analogous to that of the Vortigaunts, since we learn later that gordon was manipulated somewhat by forces outside his control, and for all the talk about him being a "free man," he never had much choice but to do what he did if he wanted to survive.

in my mind, these are some of the core themes of hl1: humans aren't alone, humans aren't benevolent, and humans are kind-of fucking terrifying from an outsider's perspective. the nihilanth bossfight reinforced that for me, because the only way the player can win is by behaving like a persistence predator. humans' strength isn't in their raw power. if that was the only factor in the fight between the player and the nihilanth, the player would lose. it's because no matter how frustrating it is, the player has patience to keep pushing forward, to keep removing themself from the places where the nihilanth tries to get rid of them, to chip away at the boss's health and destroy the things giving it power. going a step further up the ladder of abstraction, the player may die and get teleported away from the fight dozens of times, but they have the power to quicksave and reload for a better outcome. some people may put the game down, but chances are if you got that far in the game you persist through the tedium and win.

from the nihilanth's perspective, the entire fight is like that scenario where you are immortal but somewhere in the world there is an also-immortal and indestructible snail that kills you if it touches you and it is always approaching you no matter what but you never know where it is unless you can see it. that's what the player is. the player is a very slow-moving but deadly force that will inevitably always win by virtue of the fact that it does not tire (can pause, recuperate, and return to the fight at any time) and it does not want anything except to destroy its opponent (literally cannot leave without doing so).

and since that impacted me so much, i conveniently forget about the bullshit jumping puzzles along the way

[acespaceacepilot]

[r4inyclouds]

You can take Steve Rogers out of the fight, but you can't take the fight out of Steve Rogers.

I heavily recommend putting ya glasses on for this ride of a rant. A... practically an essay on how Steve was out of character in Endgame:

Look, I still wholeheartedly believe that Sam deserves the title of Captain America, but even before that Steve dropped that shield, that title in the Civil War movie, for Bucky, in respect for Tony. Captain America wasn't even his label for years after that. Surprising how many didn't realise Steve in the endgame movie was Nomad, not Captain America.

But, he still fought, didn't he?

So people who say "Steve will always be THE Captain America!!" can go cry about it for all I care. Sam is the hero that he deserves to be. Yet, I suppose we're all entitled to our own opinions.

I don't even think the producers at the time even read the comics they were basing their large franchise on. That Steve in Infinity War wasn't Steve.

He was born a stubborn fighter, he was meant to end as that stubborn fighter we knew from 'The First Avenger'. It's in his nature how he was meant to be articulated as a person. It's in the comics, that hell- I haven't even exactly read most nor possess many of them! It's a joke, a jest; it's funny but not funny 'haha hilarious', but funny, odd, peculiar and perplexing. But from what I've seen from the fans on this side of the debate who have read the comics thoroughly, they all explicitly state that Steve would never do this or abandon anyone. I could, respectively, not care that the MCU was never, and never will be, canon to the comics, but they couldn't even keep one thing, an aspect that's similar or alike in any particular way to the comics, and that's the whole nature and personality of one of their most main focused characters, diverging from the whole point, centre, heart of Steve.

Steve never needed a label that told him he was a hero even when he was some twink before the serum, his whole arch, his whole goal was to become someone who helped, it wasn't from the start to settle down with a woman he was at a high school situation ship with, maybe, just maybe it could've worked if they attempted to even build and develop their relationship for it to make that little sense. Steven Grant Rogers admitted to being that stubborn little thing, and in a sense, he was like that, someone who determined to not be a coward and went against his non-spoken word.

And no, this has nothing to do with the fact I'm a HUGE Stucky shipper, I exclusively tried to avoid talking about Bucky in this half of the rant for a reason. I love Peggy, she's in my top 5, and I love domestic Steggy. It's just it was never right for Steve.

Steve will never, ever be able to run away from what he is. He is THE fight, with or without a useless hero label.

Now since I'm a bucky glazer, and he's my favourite character (I'm putting him in a jar once I get my first-ever Funko pop) I will go on to talk about Steve and Bucky, now, I'd understand if someone would not want to read this part because I'm 'just a wild Stucky shipper!' Who's own priority is trying to keep the ship afloat (I'm also occasionally a Sam x Steve x Bucky shipper but that's besides the point) But in this segment, I will be talking about them in an otherwise platonic sense; it doesn't even need to be romantic for me to say this. And, honestly, if the character of Bucky never existed in this universe, I would've still had this rant on my Tumblr about why Steve leaving is just... odd.

Okay, Steve spent THREE, THREE, I REPEAT THREE, HIS WHOLE DAMN TRILOGY, having at least one huge plot point just purely based on Bucky in each of his movies.

1. He went against whole military orders to get Bucky back, had a whole depression episode thinking he was dead, and then had another depression episode when he died, and then kind of just offed himself after that (Now, am I saying he offed himself for no reason for other than his friend?... yeah, so, there's a deleted scene where Rhodey asks Steve about how he practically died, and why he didn't just jump out into the water before he crashed, I'm tellin' you if you search it up it's there, now, people suspected that the reason it's a deleted scene is that it, well, opens a plot hole, and it just kind of seems like... he killed himself because bucky's dead? Like, ya know, there's no other reason to why he did this. But I might just be reaching there) God. So that point just says a lot about how the producers didn't even think for one second about him going back in time.

2. Nearly got killed by him, but when he figured out it was Bucky he went a berserk kind of insanity and risked his life as he put his trust in a man who was about to knock the shit out of him. Then, like- went for months on end to get Bucky back just because he left him on the side of the beach to not let him drown. Yeah, okay, sir. Also, does everyone just... Like, all silently agree not to talk about how they casually just drop platonic wedding vows to each other in every movie? Like, what do you exactly mean by "I'm with you 'till the end of the line", every time I hear that quote I go "WRITE THIS DOWN, WRITE THIS DOWN!" (not like I'll be getting married though)

3. How am I meant to summarise this with detail without just saying the few words in my mind that would just tell you the whole plot? [Squints eyes, checks notes]... Guess I gotta. 'Bro split Avenger for bro, Avenger no longer, Captain America? No longer for bro, bro picks bro up, bro says wedding vow, bro sad Wakanda.'

Then, now, I apologise sincerely for using this analogy, but he kinda, just, ya know, abruptly left to get the milk. He dropped everything once he got the chance to go back and left poor Bucky wide-eyed like some traumatised puppy with attachment issues they newly developed after shown that much devotion and affection from an owner who'd treat them right, and then was suddenly dropped into a random field of an environment, unfamiliar, they don't recognise it, as they then watch the rustic car they were once rescued from becoming a blur, speeding off into a distance he couldn't possibly ever trace back to. What in the holy fuck was that waste of three movies then.

(DEEP FUCKING BREATHS, RAIN, HOLY SHIT DEEP FUCKING BREATHS)

I hope people can't tell I'm a fanfic writer; this is the shittiest thing I've ever written, I swear my fanfics are more descriptive and crap, but I'm foaming from the mouth right now; I think I permanently disrupted my breathing pattern, well done me.

Sigh, okay, well.

He's a defender for his friends; his bonds double-tied with the strength that could be held within the core of the earth, yet that somehow immediately loosened, cracking the surface, crevice by crevice of that earth with one scene, one moment. His mantle of the goal, his word that he once held dear to his child heart, became not even an earth-shattering break.

Now, here we are.

So, I shall, if you don't mind, end this with my small conclusion of how it's was out of character for Steve to leave.

You can take Steve Rogers out of the fight, but you can't take the fight out of Steve Rogers.

[ya-boi-haru]

OMG WAIT, we're shipping non cannon ships now- wait- let me-

*pulls out an old essay*

*blows the dust off of it*

*slams it on the table*

So Will and Caspian right-

[seven-winged-liar]

Today, my fellow boys, girls, neithers, boths, and in-betweens, I offer you shitty Will Wood. Tomorrow? Who knows?