#eventually the corresponding chapter will get posted

[faetxlity]

“I’m not such a fool as to die for glory. I will come back to you.”

[civetfish]

Was gonna wait to post this outside of ko-fi until I posted the corresponding part of my fic BUT since that's on hold for a hot second I might as well do it now!

So much yapping under the cut because I can't help myself lol (Mostly just a stream of consciousness, so its kind of a word salad)

I like to think that colors can change in brightness, mix with others, and appear in certain areas/patterns to give a bit of complexity to the use of colors for communication.

Top left is pretty straightforward- yellow is fear. It's the full body "puffed up cat" kind of fear where it's the ony emotion being processed. A lingering anxiousness would be shown more like a general yellow centered around the chest, while the rest of their body remains the same color. Feelings like a slight nervousness (Like handling a delicate object with big crab-claws, for example) would be shown through a "rippling" wave of yellow overtop of whatever colors are already present, originating from the chest or hands. ((link) this is pretty close to what I imagine (If the link doesn't work, skip to about 2:10) Spooky ocean warning! though if you're seeing this post in the first place I assume you're probably fine with it )

Green is analytical - He does this a few times in-game, and it's what makes the most sense to me. I also like to think it's the reasoning behind a lot of the Architect's... well, architecture. Green is a really predominant color in all of the architect structures / data hubs / machines / etc., so in cultural sense it would make sense for the Architects to be using the color representing their core values. The light blue around his sides is amusement/joy. (I put a little bit of this into my first chapter iirc) This is also based pretty closely to what we see in-game. (I.e. the little wave he does back at Robin, it's silly and playful and I love it sm)

The gray/dull tones (bottom left) are just that- the "muting/dulling" of whatever color it's applied to. The Architect who kind of killed his entire species is a little depressed if you can believe it! A muted blue (indigo, rather than light blue) would be melancholy, and the yellow tint in there is stress/dread. A completely dim gray Architect is basically completely numb, which is distinct from the typical "resting color" that Architects have when not feeling any emotion in particular at a given moment.

Dark blue (Or indigo, bottom right) is sadness. It could also be read as a sense of longing or wistfulnes, or a lot of other nuanced feelings depending on other colors or context clues.

And of course magenta (bottom middle) and that coral-ish color are love, more or less. It's a sense of fondness and deep affection, though Al-an himself is probably under the impression it's more like a loyalty and protectiveness; I don't think he has any real experience with love considering what we know about the network.

The coral color in the center of his chest is something I'll dive into more when I get that chapter out, but I think of it as a flush/heat, like an Architect blush. Orange is added to colors to increase the intensity of the emotion underneath, such as the inclusion with magenta to mean flustered or to red to mean a more heated rage. An embarassed architect would be fully orange, possibly leaning a bit towards pink, red or yellow depending on the specific situation.

For an "emotionless peak of innovation and efficiency" I am determined to shove SO many feelings into this shrimp horse. This stream of word spaghetti will eventually get rewritten into a basic color code.

[yelena-bellova]

Twenty Years Later: Joel Miller x F!Reader - Chapter Three

Chapter Three: Out On The Town

Plot: Tess and Joel demand answers from Y/n and Ellie on the details of Ellie’s condition and venture out into the city.

Word Count: 6.1k

Warnings: tlou ep.2 spoilers, language, canon typical violence, allusion to sexual harassment, guns, blood (16+)

A/N: PLEASE READ. Hello, my loves 👋🏻 I’m so glad everyone’s enjoying the series. I placed this in the previous chapter and a few other posts, but need to reiterate it. I’m not adding anyone to the taglist if they don’t have their age in their bio. This is a 16+ series and I’m trying to look out for younger eyes on here 👀

Other than that, I hope everyone enjoys these next two chapters. This one’s less action and more set-up for future parts. The next one should be out before Sunday’s episode. Read on, babes!!

—————————

May 10th, 2002. Austin, Texas.

The only proof Joel had that he’d been at the bar the night before was the throbbing pain in his temples. It was a sobering reminder that his talent for drinking was slipping with age. Still, he pounded some coffee and an Aspirin, picked up Tommy and headed off to work.

On their way, Joel found his eye straying to each women he drove past that even bore a tiny resemblance to Y/n. He should have been surprised that it had only taken one meeting for her to brand herself on his brain, but she was something special. She probably had that effect on everyone she met.

Joel parked the car outside the hardware store, leaving a semi-hungover Tommy to grab a few more minutes of sleep. Sarah was at soccer practice for the morning and then off to a friend’s house, they could almost get in full day of work.

Both the Miller brothers knew their way around the store like the back of their hands. Joel went to the back to get his quota of wood cut, made small talk with the older guy who worked the cutter and navigated the aisles effortlessly. There was nothing new about any of it…

On the other side of each aisle, Y/n was pushing a cart and restocking product. Home improvement wasn’t her passion in life, but her father had been one of those “don’t pay someone to do it if you can do it yourself” kind of guys, so it came natural to her. The pay was good, she liked her boss, and she enjoyed the community aspect of the job.

They were dancing without knowing it. Each time Joel moved in one direction, Y/n moved in the opposite, and vice versa.

Eventually, Joel got to the last thing on his list: a new drill bit. He steered his cart around a corner and down the corresponding aisle. When he got to the hook it was supposed to be on, he found it empty. This was not the day for that…

Y/n pulled down the aisle, spotting a customer rifling through a shelf, and put on her employee smile. “Can I help you find some-“

Joel practically smacked his head on the shelf above, standing up as soon as he heard that familiar voice.

Y/n’s eyes lit up, “You.”

“You,” Joel echoed, a surprised smile coming to his face.

“Hi,” Y/n chuckled.

Joel’s brain stopped firing any and all signals, “Hi.”

“So we had the same early morning planned,” Y/n smiled.

“Shoulda carpooled,” Joel replied, earning a breathy laugh. His chest warmed.

“How are you?” Y/n asked, as if some grand thing had occurred in the past twelve hours they’d been apart.

Joel leaned one arm on the handle of his cart, “Good. Headin’ off to work.”

“No Tommy?” Y/n looked over his shoulder.

“Nah, he’s sleepin’ last night off in the truck,” Joel said, putting a hand on his hip.

“Can’t say I blame him,” Y/n looped a finger through the grate of her cart, swinging her body into the aisle, “I shouldn’t have let you two buy me that second glass.”

Joel smirked, “Can’t hold your liquor?”

“Oh, I can hold it,” Y/n said confidently, scrunching up her face after, “Until the next morning.”

The two of them shared a short laugh before Y/n remembered why they were there. “You were looking for something,” she pointed to the shelf.

He was? “Oh, yeah,” Joel remembered, “Quarter inch bit.”

“Hang on,” Y/n said, determinedly sorting through one of the boxes in her cart. She pulled out the piece of steel and held it up victoriously.

“You’re my hero,” Joel said, taking it from her, “Day would have been a waste without this.”

“Well, there you go,” Y/n couldn’t help herself from beaming, “You saved me last night, I returned the favor.”

Joel internally winced at the memory.

“Are you done shopping or can I pull anything else out of my magic Mary Poppins cart?” Y/n quipped, patting a hand against one of the boxes.

“Nah, that was the last thing on the list,” he answered, wishing dearly he’d written more on the piece of paper in his hand.

“Well, I’ll check you out,” Y/n said, wishing she’d chosen any other phrasing.

Joel held up a hand, “I don’t wanna take you away from what you’re doin’.”

“Please, you’re doing me a favor,” Y/n grabbed the end of her cart and began to drag it down the aisle, “You’re the first human interaction I’ve had all morning.”

Deciding that he was doing a service and nothing more, Joel followed her through the store. He didn’t know if he believed in fate, but he believed in luck, and it felt like he’d gotten tossed a rare bit of good luck by meeting Y/n again.

Y/n was half convinced she’d caused Joel to materialize. Here she was, thinking about him and his big brown eyes all morning, and then there he was. It was either an unbelievable stroke of luck, or someone Up There had seen fit to brighten her day a little.

As Y/n scanned Joel’s items, a nervous silence blanketed them. Everything that filtered through their minds sounded too awkward to say. There wasn’t a whole lot of ground to cover, they’d only known each other for less than twenty four hours.

“You doin’ okay?” Joel finally asked, hoping he wasn’t crossing some line, “After last night?”

“Oh,” Y/n looked down at the pile of purchases, “Yeah, I’m fine. Not the first time it’s happened. I just need to get better at defending myself.”

Joel’s blood boiled under his calm demeanor, men were awful. “There shouldn’t be a need in the first place,” he bit out as he gripped his cart a little tighter.

Yn shrugged sadly, “It’s the world we live in. That’s why it’s so nice to meet guys like you and Tommy. You make up for your sex’s failings.”

Joel chuckled under his breath as he handed her his debit card, “Not sure we can fill that tall an order.”

Laughing softly enough to make Joel’s chest flutter a little, Y/n rang up the order and handed him the bags.

“Well, I guess I know where I’ll be seeing you two from now on,” she said.

“Yeah,” Joel replied, “And thanks for helping me find that bit. You really saved our asses.”

Y/n playfully held her hands up, “I didn’t get employee of the month for nothing.”

Joel could hear that little voice in his head, the same one that had a residency in the gut, telling him to take a shot and ask Y/n out. He wasn’t a timid guy, but she had some sort of spell on him that made his palms sweat and his mind go blank. Plus, he’d sworn off bringing anyone into his life a long time ago. It was all around, a bad idea.

“Well, I’ll see you around,” he finally decided on.

Y/n hoped her smile hid all her sadness, “See you.”

Joel and his cart made it about three steps before he threw caution to the wind.

“Hey,” he turned around, “Do you think, maybe….I could take you to dinner sometime?”

Y/n’s grin spread like wildfire across her face, “Yeah,” she replied, “I’d like that.”

Both of them released a caught breath, Y/n pressed a button on the printer and tore off a piece of reciept paper. She scribbled her number down.

“I work a lot,” she told him as she wrote, “But I’m usually free on Fridays.”

“Okay,” Joe took the paper from her, their fingers brushing, “I’ll call you.”

Y/n had to physically restrain her lips and the giggle that threatened to show itself. “You do that,” she responded, fiddling with her pen.

Joel gave a sideways smile, deciding to get out while he was on a winning streak. He held up a hand and turned on his heel, confidence powering his stride.

Y/n stayed at the checkout counter a little longer, trying to compose herself lest customers think she was high. She set her pen back down and did a little skip back to her cart. It was going to be a great day.

Joel made it back to the truck, loading his supplies into the flatbed with unusual enthusiasm. He didn’t care about his headache, his backache…he was flying too high for anything to bother him. He climbed into the driver’s seat, Tommy groaned as he did.

“You took your time,” he grunted.

Joel didn’t get many moments of victory, he was going to let himself bask in this one a while. He held up the piece of paper to Tommy, who leaned over and read it. Above an unknown phone number was Y/n’s name with a heart next to it.

Tommy’s grin stretched, “No way.”

Joel simply grinned and started up the truck.

“No fuckin’ way,” Tommy got louder, reaching over and shaking his brother’s shoulder. They drove off, Joel’s mood was shifted for the day. The nerves would set in later. For now, he just wanted to be excited about taking out the beautiful girl from the bar.

—————————

2023, Boston

Tess slammed Y/n up against the inside of the abandoned building.

“What the hell’s going on?”

Y/n pulled on Tess’ jacket and tried to flip her around. She rammed her elbow down on Tess’ arm and broke the hold. Before Tess could fight back, Joel took hold of both their arms and wrenched them apart. Y/n slipped as he did an fell on her side, refusing to groan and let any vulnerability show.

“I already told you,” Y/n grunted, pushing up on one arm, “She’s not sick.”

“You think we’re just gonna believe you?” Tess continued, “Give us one reason why we shouldn’t kill you both right now.”

Y/n smirked, her eyes bouncing to Joel, who glared at her with the same coldness he had twenty years ago. “How else are you going to get your battery?”

No matter how much control Joel wanted to pretend he had over the situation, Y/n held the real power. Ellie and her were the key to getting to Tommy.

Ellie watched this all from the side, exhausted and scared.

“Now here’s what’s going to happen,” Y/n stood to her feet and pointed to Ellie, “She’s going to get some sleep. At some point tonight, I’m going to do the same. Have a gun on me the whole time, I don’t fucking care,” she gestured between her and the girl, “But both of us are going to be breathing come morning,” she looked to Joel, “Or else you get to live with the fact that Tommy could have lived if it wasn’t for your overeager trigger finger.”

Joel’s blood boiled, furious with Y/n for having stepped over that line. How could she speak about his life so carelessly?

“We’ll take the first two shifts,” Tess stated, leaving no room for argument, “But we get our answers first thing.”

Y/n gave a single nod, picked up her backpack and motioned for Ellie to come with. In the middle of the building, there was a patch of grass that could act as a bed. Y/n sat down and pulled out her sweater, balling it up and laying her head atop it.

“Are you sure they won’t kill us?” Ellie asked quietly, she followed Y/n’s actions and crumpled up her jacket.

“Positive,” Y/n said as she shut her eyes. Joel may have been reckless with her life, but he’d sooner die than let anything happen to Tommy.

Ellie curled up a few inches away from Y/n. It was funny what life-or-death circumstances could do to people. Y/n was the only person Ellie had taken to out of the Fireflies, but now, with Tess and Joel as her other options for comfort, she was her new favorite person. Ellie turned on her side to face the woman, the only person she could count on to protect her…

—————————

Sunlight across Y/n eyes woke her up. She stretched out her legs and yawned, spotting a sleeping Ellie at her side. She’d never gotten woken up for her turn to keep watch, but that had been expected. It didn’t take a genius to guess what was waiting in front of her.

Sure enough, Joel had his rifle pointed straight at her chest.

“You’re getting predictable,” Y/n remarked, rubbing one of her eyes.

Ellie woke soon after, sitting up and finding the same sight.

“Morning,” she said. The second she moved, Joel’s gun followed her. Y/n immediately pulled her gun off of her belt and pointed it at her ex.

“Do I look like I’m infected?” Ellie asked.

“Show us your arm,” Joel demanded.

Ellie rolled up her sleeve and showcased the scarred bite. Tess and Joel leaned forward to examine it, which was hard to do with half a room between them.

“Yeah, it’s not getting any worse, is it?” Ellie said impatiently, “If we’re out in the open city, why aren’t we getting swarmed?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Joel ignored her concern.

“Well, I’m gonna,” the girl replied.

“What was Marlene doing with an infected kid?” Tess switched lanes.

Ellie shook her head, “I’m not infected.”

Tess and Joel gave a deadpan stare, Y/n rolled her eyes. It wasn’t like it was a fucking fairytale they were asking them to believe. There was proof right in from of them.

“She found me after I was bitten,” Ellie continued.

“And she didn’t shoot you,” Joel put another piece of the puzzle together.

“Clearly not. She locked me up and had her guys,” Ellie glanced over to Y/n, “Test me every day to see if I was getting sick.”

“Test you how?” Tess asked.

Ellie sighed, “I have to pee.”

Nobody cared. “Test you…how?”

“They’d make me count to ten and hold my hand out and then keep it steady,” Ellie answered, “But, you know, I think what really impressed them was that I didn’t turn into a fucking monster. Now can I please?”

As Ellie stood up, Joel rose with her, and so did Y/n. Betrayal and loyalty mixed between them like oil and water. Ellie held her hands up, caught in the middle of it.

“Fine,” Tess relented, “Back there, you can find a spot. And here,” she tossed a magazine Ellie’s way, “Tear out a few pages.”

Ellie glanced between Y/n and Joel, checking to make sure there wasn’t about to be a shootout, and headed back. “There’s not gonna be anything bad in here?”

“Just you,” Joel answered.

“Oh, funny,” Ellie said before disappearing.

With her gone, Joel and Y/n really had no reason to still be aiming at one another. At the same time, they cautiously lowered their weapons. Despite whatever tragic nostalgia they’d indulged in the night before, they’d gone back to hate, as if their memories had been a symptom of some bad hangover. It was all forgotten in the light of day.

Joel sat back down with Tess, letting his unflinching stare rest on Y/n. Y/n had seen enough of that scowl to not be intimidated by it. Eventually, when nothing more could be said, his eyes dropped to examine his hand. The pain had set in overnight and he couldn’t keep it from shaking.

“Broken,” Tess stated, sitting down next to him.

“Maybe a hairline,” he replied, never looking at her, “It’ll heal fast.”

“Okay,” Y/n muttered, clapping her hands together, “You keep thinkin’ positive, I’m gonna go take a piss.”

She marched over the small hill of grass and knocked on the door frame of Ellie’s makeshift bathroom. “Me,” she announced.

“Don’t fuckin’ look,” Ellie said quickly from somewhere in the room.

“I’m not,” Y/n replied, staring at the ceiling as she wandered, “Just tell me where to go.”

“Left a little,” the girl instructed, “Straight. There you go.”

Y/n unbuckled her pants and squatted, “Throw me the book?”

Ellie tossed the papers her way, they awkwardly went on with their business in silence.

As much as Y/n hated to let Joel have any sort of win over her, if they were going to convince him and Tess to help them to the State House, he was going to need more information.

“You’re gonna have to tell them,” she told Ellie, “About out West.”

Ellie was finished and standing on the other side of Y/n, “I thought I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.”

“Yeah, well,” Y/n sighed, “They’re not gonna believe you unless you do. Marlene would say the same thing.”

“What about you?” Ellie asked, “Would they believe you?”

Y/n bitterly chuckled, the memories that once had stingers now couldn’t penetrate her thick skin. “No, they won’t believe me. You’re our only shot.”

Outside, Joel and Tess were discussing the sudden plot twist.

“She made it through the fuckin’ night, Joel,” Tess urged, her voice dripping with hope.

“It doesn’t matter,” Joel argued, “It’s gonna happen sooner or later. Alright? We’re still close to the Wall, we sneak ‘em back into the QZ. We find a different way to get the battery.”

“What about her?” Tess asked, there was no need to specify which one she was referring to, “You don’t believe her?”

“I don’t trust a fuckin’ word that comes out of her mouth,” Joel answered harshly, the past nipping at his heels, “She’s lied before and she’ll do it again.”

Tess had something unique going for her: she didn’t share history with Joel and Y/n. She saw through all their bullshit objectively. “This is our best shot,” she said, “We take ‘em back to the QZ, someone’s gonna notice her arm, they’ll scan her, then they’ll kill her.”

Joel wasted a heartlessly little amount of time with his reply, “Well, better her than us. You need to stop talkin’ about this kid like she’s got some kind of life in front of her.”

He didn’t know it, but he should have felt grateful that Y/n couldn’t hear his comment over the ripping of magazine pages. She would have shot him then and there.

Ellie and Y/n walked out, Ellie tossing the magazine back at Tess and Y/n keeping close watch as she took her seat.

“You hungry?” Tess offered to Ellie, “You can share some of ours.”

“Thanks,” Ellie replied, “Marlene sent me with my own.”

If Y/n wanted to feel like she was beating Joel in something, breakfast gave her the win. While he picked at a piece of jerky with his fractured hand, she and Ellie worked on their oversized sandwiches. Petty? Perhaps. But Y/n felt entitled to whatever form her hatred wanted to take.

“Is that chicken?” Tess finally asked.

Ellie nodded, “Yeah. Marlene and Y/n say they get it from smugglers. Guess not you guys.”

For whatever reason, even though she’d attacked her, Y/n was starting to feel empathy for Tess. She was the only one semi-amenable to Ellie’s situation. Against her instincts and more in line with her heart, she ripped the rest of her sandwich in half and walked it over to Tess, who looked up appreciatively. On her way back, she made a point of passing by Joel.

Tess stood up and approached Y/n and Ellie, setting Joel off. “Hey. Hey!”

“Why-“ Tess started, throwing a hand up to Joel to stay put, “Why is she so important to you and Marlene? And don’t lie to me or we’ll take you both back.”

“You take us back,” Ellie answered for Y/n, “You don’t get your battery.”

“You heard that?” Tess scoffed, “Well, then you must’ve heard that he wants to shoot you.”

Y/n wanted her heart to break at the comment, but when she looked into Joel’s eyes, she saw nothing. Nothing.

“He also knows he dies if he does that,” Y/n retorted, staring down the man like she could burn a hole through him by sheer force of will.

Tess kneeled down in front of Ellie, “I’m gonna talk to you like you’re an adult, okay? Joel and I aren’t good people. We’re doin’ this for us because, apparently, you’re worth something. But we don’t know what you’re worth if we don’t know what we have. So answer my question.”

Y/n and Joel saw none of the conversation, their eyes were locked on one another like bulls locking horns.

Ellie, however, took Y/n’s advice. “There’s a Firefly base camp somewhere out west,” she confessed, “With doctors. They’re working on a cure.”

Absurdity won and Joel broke his stare first, “Mm-hm, I’ve heard this before.”

“And whatever happened to me,” Ellie continued, “Is the key.”

“Is the key to finding the vaccine,” Joel’s voice overlapped with hers, turning to Tess, “That’s what this is? We’ve heard this a million times. Vaccines, miracle cures. None of it works. Ever.”

“This time it’s different,” Y/n argued.

Ellie stood up, “Fuck you, man. I didn’t ask for this.”

“You and me both,” Joel retorted, “This isn’t gonna end well, Tess. We need to go back.”

“Oh, yes,” Y/n smiled a joyless smile, “Once again, Joel Miller’s making decisions for everyone. What a comfort.”

It was the first time she’d said his name in twenty years and it was doused in venom. It should have hurt.

Tess got to her feet and came to Joel, “Let’s just finish it. It doesn’t matter if she is or isn’t what the Fireflies say she is. If they believe that she is, then…we get what we want.”

Joel faced two realities; one in which Y/n’s words from the night before came true and his brother died because of his stubbornness, and one in which he risked his life for a group of radicals running on hope that would never come to fruition.

He sighed, “If she so much as twitches…”

Ellie began to choke and snarl, flailing her hands like one of the infected. It pressed all their buttons.

“Don’t,” Tess and Y/n said in synchronization.

Ellie stopped, nervously rubbing her neck, “Yeah, okay…”

“Okay?” Tess asked her partner.

Joel glanced between Y/n and Ellie, then sighed. “Okay.”

Without another word, Tess, Joel and Y/n began packing up their gear. Ellie followed their lead, spotting Joel’s rifle. “Can I have a gun?”

“Absolutely not,” Joel replied.

“No,” Tess said.

“Not happening,” Y/n finished.

“Okay, fine,” Ellie’s voice went higher, “I’ll have to throw a fuckin’ sandwich at them.”

Joel pushed the bookcase he’d used to barricade the door aside and peeked out the door. “It’s clear,” he reported.

Y/n walked ahead of Ellie and let the sun hit her. Boston had been cold lately and the warmth was a treat.

“Whoa,” Ellie whispered behind her, she’d never seen or felt the freedom being outside the Wall brought.

“Yeah, looks different in the daylight huh?” Tess said with an almost smile.

There was beauty interlaced with the destruction. Vines twined around crumbling buildings. Grass growing around deserted cars. People theorized the apocalypse would look like blood and destruction, but survival wasn’t so black and white.

“We should get movin’,” Joel said, breaking Y/n from the first near-pleasent thought she’d had all morning.

The four of them walked through the city in a row, Ellie tried to keep pace while also taking in her surroundings.

“It’s like a fucked up moon,” she observed, wandering to look at one of the explosion sites, “Is this where they bombed?”

“Yeah,” Tess answered, “They hit most of the big cities like this.”

Maybe Tess could talk about it with some degree of separation, but Y/n and Joel kept painfully silent. They’d seen the destruction and didn’t want to deal with Ellie’s marveling at it. As Tess stopped to explain history to the girl, they kept moving.

They all came to a pause when they saw their route blocked by the remnants of a building.

“So, the State House is across there,” Tess said, “It’s about a ten minute walk if you could go straight.”

“So?” Ellie questioned.

“Long way or short way?” Joel asked.

“I mean, it’s the long way or the “we’re fuckin’ dead” way,” Tess replied.

“Well, I vote long way, based on that limited amount of information,” Ellie spoke up, “Y/n?”

Y/n inhaled to give her opinion when Joel spoke up. “We should check it from the hotel first.”

“That hand’s not broken yet,” Y/n recalled, “I’d be happy to remedy that.”

“Okay,” Tess said, breaking up the fight and taking the first steps. For two people who had survived twenty years in an infectious wasteland using nothing but their survival skills, Y/n and Joel brought out the child in each other. Once upon a time, that had been a good thing. Now, each petty comment felt like throwing a plastic knife and expecting it to kill.

———————————

They’d been walking an hour when they got to the interstate. Tess and Ellie were at the front, while Y/n and Joel were moving slower and bringing up the rear.

The curse of knowing someone so well is that even if you despised them, there was still safety in being around them. Y/n still wanted to throttle Joel and he didn’t want to be in a hundred mile radius of her. But it was better to be in the company of an enemy you knew rather than one you didn’t. Hatred couldn’t one-up their history.

“What did Marlene mean when she said you weren’t ready?” Joel eventually inquired.

“None of your business,” Y/n grunted as she stepped over a stray tire.

“It is if you’re gonna be a liability,” Joel replied.

Y/n scoffed, “Marlene says a lot of things. She’s not always right.”

While it was true, Joel had been more than surprised that Y/n had raised her gun so effortlessly at him, he could read in between the lines. Y/n had never had good followthrough. The Cordyceps had forced them all to adapt, but he sincerely doubted she could take a necessary shot.

“Stop doing that,” Y/n snapped.

“Doing what?”

“Stop thinking you’ve got me figured out,” Y/n sneered, “You have no fucking idea who I am anymore.”

Joel simply scoffed, that was only a half truth.

“Okay, Cowboy Joe,” Y/n remarked, the nickname earning a glare, “I don’t remember you being so quick with the murder,” Y/n decided to hit a little harder, “Or the drugs. Or the smuggling.”

Joel threw his arm out in front of Y/n to stop her, “Would you have rather I let him shoot us?”

Y/n inched her face closer to Joel’s, “I’d rather you fucking forget that we ever knew each other, cause this,” she gestured between them, “Hasn’t mattered for twenty years. We do this, and then you can go back to dealing pills and shoveling shit,” she trembled with anger and lowered her voice, “And we will never, ever have to see each other again.”

Joel thinned the close proximity even more, the last time they’d been this close had been under much different circumstances. “It’s forgotten,” he growled.

“Good,” Y/n whispered, her lips pursed as she turned on her heel and marched off.

Denial was a hell of a thing, but forgetting what they’d meant to each other was going to take something much stronger…

“Everyone said the open city was crazy,” Ellie mused as Y/n and Joel caught up, “Like, swarms of Infected, running around everywhere.”

“Not exactly like that,” Joel commented.

“People who’ve never seen outside like to make up a lot of shit,” Y/n added.

“So there aren’t Super-Infected that explode fungus spores at you?” Ellie asked.

“Shit, I hope not,” Tess answered, at least she had a sense of humor about all this.

“Or ones with split-open heads,” Ellie continued to earn her education, “That see in the dark like bats?”

The adults fell silent, Tess and Joel shared a look before she glanced at Y/n. Between the three of them, they’d seen the full spectrum of the abilities Infected possessed.

Like a sick joke, a distant yell echoed through the open highway. There was nothing in sight and it was impossible to tell where it had come from.

“What was that?” Ellie asked.

Joel tensed up, “Let’s keep movin’.”

————————

Once they got to the hotel, they had to get in to the hotel.

Joel shoved open the once-automatic doors and they walked in. The place had flooded, the waters that filled the lobby a mossy green shade.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Ellie exclaimed, her eyes widening as she took it all in, “You ever stay in a place like this?

“Uh, no,” Tess answered, “A little out of our league.”

“Once,” Y/n followed, “School trip to Pennsylvania.”

“How do you even know what this is?” Joel asked.

“Have you ever heard of books?” Ellie shot back.

Joel stepped down into the water, letting the sass float past him.

Ellie suddenly became hesitant, “Wait, are we going in there?”

“Yeah, we gotta get to the stairwell on the other side,” Tess replied.

“Well, I, I don’t know how to swim,” Ellie said, nervous.

Joel watched, unimpressed, from the lobby steps. “Seriously?”

“Do you think we have pools in the QZ?” Ellie retorted.

“No, smart ass. I mean,” Joel threw a leg out and hopped off the last step. The water barely hit his thighs.

“I don’t know how I was supposed to know that,” Ellie mumbled, treading into the waters with Y/n behind her.

Joel and Y/n’s argument on the highway had left her quiet. She’d been forced to change to survive the new way of life, but the memories Joel’s mere presence brought up reminded her of who she used to be. How care free, how light, how enthusiastic she’d been…she’d taken a job at a hardware store just because she liked getting to talk to people. Her old self had just become another person to mourn.

She snapped back to reality, she refused to let Joel Miller, of all people, make her fee bad about who she was.

“Hey,” Tess spoke softly, “She’s a good kid.”

Y/n glanced up at Ellie, who was wading through the water to get to the check-in desk. She enthusiastically rang the bell, “Ding! Ding!”

“Yeah,” Y/n bit back a smile, “She is.”

“Yes, sir,” Ellie played, “I would like your finest suite please,” she deepened her voice, “Yes, ma’am. Would you like me to take your luggage? Yes, ma’am,” she took hold of the luggage cart, “Right away, ma’am.”

Joel, who had lost his sense of humor over a decade ago, was done with Ellie’s excitement. “You’re a weird kid,” he remarked.

“You’re a weird kid,” Ellie repeated, a body falling out from behind the cart, “Oh, fuck me!”

Joel and Y/n had their guns drawn and were rushing over. The two of them examined what turned out to be a skeleton. Joel nudged its skull sideways with his boot, like there was a chance it was still alive and kicking.

“Uh, sorry,” Ellie nervously smiled.

Joel extended a hand to pull her up, retracting it as soon as she was on her feet. He caught Y/n rolling her eyes at him as they walked off. At this point, she was convinced he was acting like an asshole purely because he could.

The group climbed the four flights of stairs, the adults huffing and puffing while Ellie stayed as unbothered as ever.

“Fuck, holy shit,” Tess panted.

“Come on, it wasn’t that bad,” Ellie remarked.

“You try climbing ten fuckin’ floors with our knees,” Tess replied, “See how you feel.”

Y/n and Tess drifted and fell back in line with their assigned partners. While Y/n was glad Ellie and Tess had found camaraderie, she was selfish enough to not want it to come at the expense of being stuck with Joel.

They came up on what should have been their walkway, but it was blocked by a barricade of bricks and cinderblock. Joel and Tess tried the doors on each side of them, no luck.

“All right,” Tess calculated their options, “Well, I mean, maybe I could climb up there. Work my way around and open it from the outside?”

Ellie stepped forward, “Uh, no, well, I’m the smallest, so it’d be easier for me to get through.”

Y/n was quick to grab Ellie’s backpack handle, “Yeah, that’s not happening. We know what’s out there, you don’t.”

That caught Joel’s attention. When had she been sneaking out of the QZ?

“Can you give me a hand?” Tess asked of her partner.

Y/n pulled Ellie back before Joel could move her out of the way. He helped Tess up and stepped back. “You good up there?”

“Yeah, it’s a bit of a mess,” Tess reported, “So I’m gonna need a few minutes.”

It turned out, removing Tess was like removing a safety barrier for them all. Joel and Y/n sat on opposite sides of the hall, trying to keep as much space between them as possible. Ellie pulled out her pocketknife and started casually flipping it.

“Nice knife,” Joel said, trying to be cordial. Y/n was getting whiplash from his mood swings. “Where’d you learn to do that?”

Ellie didn’t flinch in her retort, “The circus.”

Joel sighed, looking away from both of them. This was him trying to be somewhat friendly, though it still came off as being put out.

Ellie, on the other hand, was better at small talk. “Where are you from?”

“Texas,” Joel answered.

“Y/n said she knew your brother,” Ellie replied, “So you all lived in Texas?”

Y/n took a breath, Joel watched her. “That’s right,” he said.

“What about Tess?” Ellie asked.

“Detroit,” Joel answered, “It’s in Michigan.”

“I go to school,” Ellie shot back quickly, “I know where Detroit is.”

Silence fell again over the threesome, eagerly awaiting Tess’ return.

“So,” Ellie started talking again, “Are you two, like, a-“

“Pass,” Joel cut her off.

“How’d you end up in Boston?” Ellie pushed, it was becoming a game for her.

“Pass,” Joel answered, “No more questions about me.”

Clever as ever, Ellie found a work around. “Okay,” she turned to Y/n, “Were you and him a-“

“Nope,” Y/n said quickly, it was more a denial of an answer than an answer itself.

Ellie sighed, trying to think up something else. “How long do Infected live?”

Joel mockingly shook his head, “Oh, I thought you went to school.”

“It’s a really shitty one,” Ellie replied.

Joel smirked, he could appreciate the girl’s wit under different circumstances. It rivaled his own. “Well, some last about a month or two,” he answered, “But there’s other’s been walkin’ around ‘bout twenty years.”

“Ever kill one?” Ellie asked, still fiddling with her knife.

“Yeah, I killed lots of ‘em.”

Y/n stiffened, hoping if she stood still, the conversation would move right past her.

“Was it hard?” Ellie continued, “Like, knowing they were people once?”

It took all the strength Y/n still possessed to not let her emotions show. To not let the nightmares take her over. She didn’t have time for them.

No matter how hard they argued that they were strangers, Joel could sense her discomfort. Her experiences with Infected were one more thing he didn’t know about her now.

“Sometimes,” he said, watching Y/n as her eyes stayed closed in concentration.

“What about that guy last night?” Ellie kept going.

A well-timed thump excused Joel from answering, him and Y/n jumped to attention.

“You can put the gun down, Joel,” Tess grunted through the wall, straining to open one of the locked doors.

“Where to?” Y/n asked.

Tess’ grim expression led them out to the hotel’s balcony, she pulled back the vinyl curtain and let them walk out onto the terrace. Ellie gained traction on the ledge’s decor and climbed to the edge. Joel and Y/n ended up on each other’s side.

Y/n’s stomach dropped at the sight beneath her.

Dozens upon dozens upon dozens of Infected lay fifty feet below them in a heap. Their sickening shrieks bounced off the buildings as they crawled and thrashed aimlessly.

“There’s so many,” Ellie gasped.

“The last time we were here,” Tess said, “They were still deep inside the buildings. Then I guess enough people came through looking for the QZ, they went inside seeking shelter…and that’s how they get more and more of the city, bit by bit, every year.”

Y/n watched through dead eyes as the horde began to move as one. She hadn’t seen this many in a long time, long enough for the sight to feel fresh. She stopped listening to Ellie and Tess’s conversation and focused on her breathing to battle the nausea, in through the nose, out through the mouth…

Joel saw it all, and he knew better than to ask. Marlene was right; she wasn’t able to handle the journey on her own.

“So we’re not going that way,” were the first words Y/n could hear again.

“No,” Tess answered Ellie.

“What do we do then?” Ellie asked, her eyes widened with fear, “Short way?”

Tess and Joel shared a look, his hands fidgeted as he thought through their route. “Museum.”

—————

TYL Taglist: @bachiracore @stolenxkissess @kayleezra @the-wistful-reader @allthesesonsofbitches @goth-detectives365 @trippovert @rh1nestonecowg1rl @emiliaserpe @khaleesihavilliard @frietiemeloen @gracie7209 @dorck26 @thegirlnextdoorssister @alanis-altair @mariwinns16 @whosscruffylooking @endofthexline @alexiaricciardo @eonnyx @pedrosmexicangf @scarlettequinn @ao-sleepy @toinfinityandbeyonce2 @deanlovescassie @turmoil-ash @sorrowjunky @kpopslur @xxlilyxx90

Joel Miller Taglist: @xsnak-3x @xmoonknightlyx @simplybarnes @stolenxkissess @mandoshoney @alexiaricciardo @eonnyx @deanlovescassie @paintlavillered

[lesbiankordian]

Parallels between Bungou Stray Dogs and Divine Comedy

I believe that in the current chapters Asagiri is purposely sneaking in parallels to Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy. This post will cover the similarities and possible references between bsd's current arc and that book. At first I thought the Meursault prison corresponds to Hell, but now I believe it's actually Purgatory.

Introduction

Similarities

Final thoughts

Divine Comedy (in which the author - Dante - made himself the main character) talks about one's path to breaking free from sin and their growth as a person. It's divided into three parts: Hell, Purgatory and Paradise. During the first two parts, Dante's guide is Virgil (Beatrice comes at the end of Purgatory). In Hell they're going downwards, to the lower circles; in Purgatory they're going upwards, to the higher terraces.

The difference between those two places is that in Hell the souls are suffering endless tortures for their sins, meanwhile in Purgatory they're atoning for them and will eventually leave that place. Depending on what we think is more similar to what's happening in the Meursault prison, we could either interpret it as Hell or Purgatory.

As I said, I believe that it's Purgatory, as the characters are going up, starting from the lowest floor, and that journey helps them (Sigma and Dazai) to grow as a person.

When it comes to Fyodor, I'm not so sure. His goal is to get rid of the abilities, which he compares to a sin. This point acts more as an argument for the Meursault prison, or even his arc overall, to be Hell (not that it's like Hell for him, but more like that's how he thinks of the current events other characters are going through), as his idea of making the ability users free of the the sin is killing them and that's nothing like Purgatory. One could argue tho, that it is similar to the latter, because he wants to release the people from the sin, his idea how to do it and methods are just different.

His character and ability are based on Crime and Punishment and that's literally what Dante's Hell is - endless punishment for one's sins. Moreover, Fyodor sees himself as the God's subordinate and Divine Comedy talks about the souls' sufferings because of their wrongdoings to God. It also talks about Dante's path to getting closer to God (metaphorically and literally), and Fyodor thinks of himself as someone between God and the people.

This analysis won't focus on him, but I wanted to point out the (important) religious themes in both of the stories.

What's also interesting is that Dazai and Fyodor (as the most dangerous ability users) had their cells located on the lowest level - similarly to Hell, where the worst people, traitors, were at the lowest ring. Although Dazai is a traitor to the PM, I don't think he parallels those from Dante's work, as they were meant to symbolize that betrayal is bad, but Asagiri shows that what Dazai did was good for him. They correspond to them in their "lack" of humanity and various commited crimes.

Now more of the similarities!

1. Briareus

Purgatory, Canto XII; bsd chapter 98

The prison officer's nickname is "Hundred ability Briareus". In Greek mythology Briareus is one of the Hundred-Handers, who helped Zeus and the Olympians to overthrow the Titans.

Quick comparison to bsd: while bsd! Briareus gets killed by a person who's "working" for a prisoner, og Briareus eventually becomes a guard of those he was fighting against.

Briareus is also a character in Divine Comedy. He has two appearances: in Hell he's a giant inhabitating the Ninth Circle; in the first terrace of Purgatory he's one of the giants whose sin was pride. I'll focus on the latter, as it's more similar to the scene from chapter 98.

Dante's Briareus is a sympol of pride and bsd!Briareus says how powerful he is. Moreover, they're both more or less carved into the ground / wall (Dante's Briareus as a form of penance, bsd!Briareus by Chuuya's ability) of the first terrace / floor.

That would mean the Meursault prison is our Purgatory.

(more under the cut)

That scene also reminds me of the beginning of the Fifteen light novel, where Chuuya is really confident in his ability and makes fun of PM for being weak - interesting how he's the one to meet and kill Briareus (in Divine Comedy the meetings help Dante to become free of the sins). Also, the PM member from Fifteen is rather scared of Chuuya and shows him no respect, as opposed to the prison officer.

2. Flames and separation

In Canto XXVII, so almost at the end of Purgatory, Dante has to go through the flames in order to go to Paradise. Virgil can't come with him, as he's not Christian. Instead, he encourages Dante and reminds him of his free will.

In chapter 106.5 Sigma and Dazai also are in a situation involving flames, and even tho none of them actually go through them, they split up - Dazai doesn't leave the lift. Just like Dante and Virgil.

That, and the fact that a big part of Sigma's character is about being used (so not having free will) makes me believe they're paralleling Dante, making Dazai Virgil, their guide through the prison.

Sigma is in the process of finding themselves - similarly to Dante, who with the help of Virgil learns truths about love, good and bad, etc. This heavily reminds me of the conversation from chapter 105.5 about why Dazai chose them and his relationship with ADA.

Here's a comparison of their conversations:

After Dante goes through the flames and leaves Virgil, he sees the march of the Church, and Sigma may find Fyodor in the next chapters. Moreover, Beatrice says the Church is divided and sinful. The people are going into the direction of the tree of knowledge of good and evil (the tree that Eve and Adam got their apple from). Fyodor's view on the world really fits that description, take dead apple and the manifestation of his ability as an example.

3. Water

In Canto XXXI (where Beatrice is the guide) Dante goes through the waters of the river Lethe, which makes him forget his past sins. In XXXIII (the last part of Purgatory) Dante dips in Eone and becomes fully purified.

That obviously reminds me of Fyodor and Chuuya, and then Sigma and Dazai, drowning.

Chuuya - he's currently a vampire (who, because of that, might not remember his past for now - Lethe?). Both the transition to a vampire and being dipped in water have metaphorical meanings involving changing as a person. That situation, along with Dazai's words, could have helped him gain consciousness, at least for a second (you know the whole "his eyes were back to normal" thing), and "cleanse" him from the vampirism. Moreover, in his speech Dazai talked about their relationship, and the one who was by Dante's side when he went through Lethe was Beatrice, his lover. She also talked about love (Canto XXX) and Dazai's farewell was really emotional and more authentic than what he usually says. (Of course I'm not saying they're lovers, just pointing out the similarities)

Sigma - before drowning in Meursault, there was a different panel that showed them being in water. Fyodor talked there about Sigma's loneliness in this world - is Sigma's amnesia similar to Dante going through Lethe? (Or: before coming into Purgatory, Dante had to be washed, because he had to leave his worldly life behind. I think that fact corresponds to Sigma's life even more). Then we got the recent chapters where Dazai saves Sigma. I didn't find many "cleansing" themes in that scene, except for that panel, which reminds me of baptism (it cleanses the person from sins and is done with water):

What we can also get from these similarities is that Dazai doesn't necessarily have to correspond to Virgil, but also Beatrice, another guide.

4. Dreams

Throughout his journey, Dante has dreams that help him understand things better in one way or another. In one of them he sees Beatrice, who I already compared to Dazai. Atsushi "hallucinated" as well, in chapter 105. In that vision he sees Dazai who makes / motivates him to move. Atsushi's much like Dante as well - they both are on a journey to become a better version of themselves, but also idealise their mentors.

5. Ango

Just like the spirit, Ango is helping Dazai and Sigma to go through the prison (upwards). Dazai also calls him an 'angel'.

Purgatory, Canto XVII; bsd chapter 101

6. Mykola

The game Fyodor, Dazai and Sigma are playing was made by Mykola. One of the most famous works of the real Mykola Hohol is Dead souls, which some believe that he wanted it to be the Russian Divine Comedy. The book was meant to be a trilogy, but only one volume (that was meant to correspond to Dante's Hell) was created. I even found a reference to it, in which Chichikov (the main character) is compared to Dante:

That point acts more as an argument for the game to be Hell, not Purgatory, but the relatedness to Divine Comedy is there. Or maybe it's more that Mykola wants the game to be like Hell, not Purgatory - either for Fyodor or Dazai, it's supposed to end in death. The other one's experience would be like Purgatory, tho, as he'd successfully leave the prison.

Or maybe, it's his journey that he wants to be like Chichikov and Dante's (since he wants to become free). Either way, that person is supposed to go through Purgatory later.

Also, does it mean the game is going to end before it was supposed to? If it hasn't already.

edit: more similarities in the reblogs!!

To sum up, I think one character doesn't have to correspond to just one person from Divine Comedy - and vice versa. Dazai is Virgil, but at the same time Beatrice, another guide, and also has some parts of Dante - he grows and goes through the Purgatory.

We don't have only one Dante - both Sigma and Atsushi share his traits and both go through their own paths to knowing themselves better (with the help of Dazai, too).

Bram and Aya's relationship is the one where, in my opinion, the levels of danteness and virgilness are most equal. Aya is Bram's guide, literally caries him on her back, but also shows him modern technology. Bram also helps Aya and guards her. Not to mention, they're at the highest part of the airport now, which means they have gone upwards.

I argued the Meursault prison is Purgatory, but I also found some similarities to Hell. It can be that it shares both of their traits, maybe depending on a character and what's happening to them.

The question is: is Asagiri writing this arc with so many similarities to Divine Comedy on accident or on purpose? Because if it was just the themes and archetypes that were alike, I wouldn't ask this question, but some of the things I listed are too resembling of Dante's work for me, especially Briareus and what happened in the lift. Not to mention real Hohol's connection to Divine Comedy.

If you have thoughts on this subject, please share! I've spent so much time thinking about this, I don't know anymore if I've gaslighted myself into thinking Asagiri must be doing it on purpose or not (but at the same time!! the similarities!!!). Yes, Dante is way older than every bsd author, but 1) we also have Shakespeare and 2) I believe it's a reference to Divine Comedy as a book, not that he'll be a new character (it'd be so cool tho). But even if it's not Asagiri's conscious doing, the similarities are still very interesting and I enjoyed looking for them.

[bitmeddler]

Hermann Gottlieb: Consulting Detective

***New Chapter Posted***

Chapter 5: A Study in Sapphire: Murder at Saint Frances Bridge House

Chapter Summary: Gottlieb follows a number of threads to build a profile of the trespasser. Dr. Geiszler sets up his home laboratory to test the sample collected at the crime scene, revealing a troubling fact about the blue poison.

Category + Rating: M/M (Mature)

Relationships: Newton Geiszler / Hermann Gottlieb  (Pacific Rim)

Tags: Alternate Universe - Sherlock Holmes setting but with Pacific Rim characters; Alternate Universe - Historical; Alternate Universe - Victorian; Alternate Universe - Detectives; First Meetings; Developing Relationship; Passionate and Fascinating Exchange of Letters; Slow Build; Slow Burn; Getting Together; Pining; Falling In Love; Eventual Relationships; Mystery; Murder Mystery; Action/Adventure; Adventure & Romance; 221B Baker Street; Eventual Happy Ending

Story summary: When Hermann Gottlieb, the world’s only consulting detective, receives a letter from American doctor Newton Geiszler, their correspondence sparks the joint investigation of a series of happenings that take them into the fog shrouded world of the capital’s criminal underbelly. A Pacific Rim adventure mystery set in the gas-lit streets of Victorian London.

[waterless-witch]

Of Knights and Demons

Chapter 9

TW: Dark themes, Violence, Forced Marriage and Swearing

This is my first ever fic so please be nice to me, I’ve also got it posted on A03 and Wattpad under the same name in case anybody would like to read it there.

Previous Chapter

Sleep doesn’t come easy, you’re freezing cold to the point of shivering lightly but eventually you do fall asleep. All you can dream about is Grimmjow, at first the dreams are a bit different than normal, you’re not immediately thrust into the act quite literally. Instead Grimmjow is pressed close in the same way that you were outside the manor before the two of you had left.

One of his legs is slotted between your own while he nips at your neck. You’re arching forward into him as one of his hands trails along your covered leg, you’re still fully clothed, which is different. Your hands come up and tangle into his bright hair which earns you a growl followed by a roll of his hips that has you moaning and wishing for something more.

The hand on your legs rises over your hip and slips under the fabric of your shirt. Grimmjow's hand is intoxicatingly warm and you gasp as your heartbeat flutters. He smirks and gives a small chuckle as he pulls his mouth from your neck. “Enjoying yourself?” He husks into your ear before biting at it.

You whine and nod your agreement enthusiastically as his hand finally comes in contact with your breast. He toys with the flesh for a second before he pinches your nipple between his fingers and begins teasing in earnest. He chuckles again as your head falls back and your eyes close, “Want me to fuck you princess?” Grimmjow rasps deeply against your skin.

You’re awake in an instant, you sit up as your eyes adjust to the dim morning light when Grimmjow speaks, “Well, aren’t you up early.” He teases as you jerk around to look at him and feel something slip from on top of you. Upon closer examination you notice that sometime throughout the night he must have laid his cloak over you, which brings heat to your face. For a moment you're worried about your dream, you’d made some kind of sound once before because of such a dream and you can’t help but be worried that you might have done so again.

After a moment of you not saying anything, Grimmjow's eyes narrow. “You alright?” He asks warily. You take a small breath, you need to answer before he gets more suspicious and realizes that something’s wrong but you’re still reeling a bit.

You swallow thickly and nod to him, his gaze doesn’t let up though. “I’m fine, just couldn’t sleep.” You offer shakily, he looks at you with a pinched brow like he doesn’t believe you. Trying to avoid further questions you pull yourself to your knees and offer him back his cloak. “Thank you.” You thank him kindly and offer him a small smile. He rolls his eyes like he's annoyed but takes his cloak from you and ties it back around himself.

“You wouldn’t stop shivering, I can’t take you back if you freeze.” He tells you, making you feel bad. You start to apologize but he stops you. “Don’t.” He simply tells you with a wave of his hand, there’s no indication of irritation but you still feel bad.

The two of you decide to leave shortly after you wake, you eat a quick meal before mounting the horse and leaving. Grimmjow spends the morning hunting more small game as the two of you ride. Only once he’s made his second kill do you speak, you asked if he was serious about learning to read and with a groan he agreed.

You spent the rest of the day's travels trying to teach him the alphabet and which sounds corresponded with which letters. At first he puts up an argument and asks why he can’t just memorize the words from your book. You argue back that it won’t help him in the long run if he can’t learn new words to which he just argues that you should teach him every word. You laugh at the idea which actually seems to fluster him which only makes you laugh more. After a bit more back and forth he finally agrees to learning your way.

The day passes far quicker than the previous few had and as you sit around the fire with him you tell him that tomorrow you’ll keep the book he’d stolen for you unpacked and start teaching him what the letters look like. Grimmjow doesn’t seem thrilled with the idea but agrees anyway which brings another small smile to your face.

“You’re a lot better since we’ve left.” Grimmjow observes, your eyes flick to him and he’s looking at you with his head cocked. Your brows knit in confusion and you hum at him in question. He sighs before continuing, “I don’t know, you’re just all happy…” He says with a shrug, “You’re laughing and smiling and just, different.” He finishes with a shake of his head and a roll of his eyes as if he’s annoyed you questioned him before looking away from you.

You don’t know what he means by different and you can’t tell if he means it in a negative manner or not. “I’m sorry?” You answer quietly in more of a question than a real response.

Grimmjow’s bright blue eyes snap back to yours, they look impossibly bright in the orange hues of the setting sun, “Don’t apologize- I didn’t mean it like that.” He says with a sigh. “It’s a good thing, you don’t seem as… Miserable.” He explains. He’s right you guess. You hadn’t been on the road long but between you leaving and Aizen's absence before you had left you felt more like yourself for the first time in a while. You still weren’t fully the person you’d been before everything had happened and you doubted you ever would be but you were happier than you’d been in a long while.

You shrug at him a bit, feeling embarrassed about him observing you, observing your behavior, you wondered if he actually liked you or if it annoyed him. Everything seemed too but he also didn’t seem as angry as he normally did and you wondered if he liked being away too, you hoped he did. “It just feels freeing… Being away.” You tell him and he nods his head in what you assume is understanding. You think again about how you’d never have made it without his help, how foolish you’d been to think you could do this alone. He hadn’t taken you up on your offer and if you were being truthful you didn’t know if he would. He certainly didn’t seem like he would, it had been days and he’d made no move to have you in his bed, he even slowed on the lewd comments.

“I know-” You start before cutting yourself off, you want to thank him again even though you know he doesn’t like it when you do so. “I know you don’t always like when I thank you.” You start, “But I really do mean it, you were right, I wouldn’t have made it.” He’s listening to you intently but he doesn’t say anything, just listens and watches you. “Someone would have found me and probably taken me back and I don’t think…” You pause looking for the right wording. “I don’t think I would have made it like that. With him.” You say letting him put together what you meant.

He nods his head slowly but doesn’t say anything. You don’t talk much the rest of the night besides when he tells you that you're not much further from the mountain and that if the weather held out you’d be there soon. The rest of the night follows the same path as the night before. Grimmjow sleeps far less than he should before waking and making you sleep and the following day is more or less the same as the previous.

Grimmjow spends the morning hunting and the rest of the day you spend finding the letters of the alphabet in your book and showing him while he sits behind you on the horse. He gets a few letters confused, not remembering well from the previous day but its progress all the same. Grimmjow informs you while setting up camp that you should be coming across a town sometime within the next day, he told you that the two of you would be spending another night at an inn. You’re extremely ready to be out of the woods and into a real building, with a real bed and hopefully some way to bathe.

When you finally fall asleep for the night you again dream of Grimmjow taking you, which is a bit maddening in its own right. You had no reason to be dreaming about him in such a way and it frustrated you to no end. Especially as you began remembering said dreams randomly throughout the day as you rode towards the town Grimmjow had mentioned. It made it hard to talk to him and brought a flush to your face every time it happened and made you hyper aware of how close the two of you were, of his arms on either side of you or his chest to your back.

Eventually the town became visible and pulled you from your thoughts. You slipped the book back into one of the bags and as you got closer Grimmjow leaned over you a bit. “Same rules as last time, stay close and don’t talk to anyone.” You nod in agreement even though you're well aware of the rules by now.

The town is much larger than the last one you’d been to, a number of shops lined the streets as well as people mulling about their daily lives. A few looked towards you but most just moved from out of the way of the horse. You make it to the inn after a few minutes and Grimmjow offers a hand to you and helps you down.

A few men linger by the entryway and their eyes fall to you as Grimmjow leads you closer. One cocks his head at you but none of them say anything as you slip past. Grimmjow holds the door for you while scowling at the men who all just laugh loudly, they seem drunk but you’re not certain. Grimmjow strides towards the counter and a few of the men from outside follow the two of you inside. You keep a bit closer to Grimmjow than you had at the previous inn, wary of the men as they begin talking with each other. You don’t fully catch what they say but you stiffen when you realize that they’re talking about you in hushed whispers.

Grimmjow starts talking with the man behind the counter about accommodations, he again asks for a room with two beds and one of the men behind you tsk’s his tongue. You look back at him briefly and he smirks at you before winking which gets laughter from the rest of the group. You turn away from him quickly as you flush which gets another loud laugh from the man, the man behind the counter tells Grimmjow that they’ve only got rooms with a double bed which does nothing but anger him.

Grimmjow growls out but slams the money on the counter regardless. The man gets him a key and he starts to pull you towards the door only to be stopped by the man that had winked at you. “How much?” He asks Grimmjow as he eyes you in a way that makes you feel gross. You can see the other men with him sizing you up, they looked at you like you were an object which had you fearful in a way you’ve never felt before. You take a small step towards Grimmjow which causes his eyes to flick to you for just a split second before his scowl returns to the man.

You moved stiffly and your eyes darted to Grimmjow, his jaw had locked and he had that feral look he’d had when that man had entered your room and tried to hurt you. “Go fuck yourself.” Grimmjow barks at him before grabbing you to pull you along with him.

His hand had just begun to push open the wooden door when the man spoke again. “You didn’t seem too keen on spending the night in bed with her, why not give her to someone who does? I bet she looks real good under all those clothes.” The man jokes before he continues, “Or,” the man starts, drawing the word out. “Me and my buddies here can just come and take her, I don’t think she’d mind too much, we’d be real nice. We’ll even promise to be gentle if that’s how she likes it.” He threatens as his eyes settle on Grimmjow and a few of the men behind him chuckle.

You can’t help but shrink into yourself slightly at the threat as you take another micro step towards Grimmjow, you can’t look away from the man, too afraid that if you took your eyes off him that something would happen. There’s a loud sound of wood splintering and your eyes dart in the direction of the sound only to see Grimmjow’s claws embedded into the wood of the door. They’re far more menacing than any other time you’d seen them, unlike any other time you’d seen them there’s anger behind their presence, it’s not just to show them off it’s a threat of his own. The man who had been speaking must also think them threatening as well, his fear is clearly evident on his face as his eyes dart between Grimmjow’s eyes and his blackened hand. “You’re welcome to try,” Grimmjow growls, predatory and angry sounding. “But I can guarantee you won’t lay a hand on her.” He finishes as he rips his claws from the wood roughly, tearing splinters of wood from the door loudly.

Grimmjow doesn’t give any of them a chance to respond, instead he pulls you out and to the room you’ll be staying in without a word. He has you stay in the room as he brings in your supplies and you can’t help but watch the door. You know that those men would have to be idiotic to try anything after Grimmjow’s warning but you were still fearful. When he makes his final trip he walks to you, bringing the bow and arrows to you before placing them in your hands harshly.

Your eyebrows knit and you look at him in confusion, “Where-” You start to ask in question before he cuts you off.

“Stay here.” He tells you firmly. “I’m going to make sure they stay away.” He informs you, sounding dark and almost frightening before turning to leave.

Your eyes widen a bit, you hadn’t expected him to leave you alone so quickly and his words have you feeling uneasy. “You’re not going to kill them, are you?” You ask with concern laced in your voice. While the men had been scary and intimidating you didn’t want any more people to die for you, the men he’d gone back to kill along with the man that had assaulted you felt like more than enough blood on your hands.

Grimmjow sighs deeply, he doesn’t turn to face you, instead he continues to look ahead and for a moment you think he’ll tell you that he will. But he doesn’t, “No, I won’t kill them, I won’t be gone long, thirty minutes maximum.” He answers, sounding aggravated at you for insisting but still he agrees. He doesn’t say anything else and you don’t stop him again as he leaves.

You look down at the bow and quiver in your hands, had he intended for you to use it? Did he think something would happen while he was gone? You desperately wanted for him to come back, you didn’t like the thought of being alone with those men lurking somewhere. What if they’d seen him leave? What if they were waiting outside now? You clutch the bow tighter in your hands as you look around the room.

The room is large, or at least larger than the last inn that you’d stayed in. Like the man had said there’s only a single full bed in the center of the room, there was a small window beside the bed as well as a desk across the room. There was also a door that led into a bathroom, it was far less run down than the previous one and even had a small tub. None of that was your concern though, you couldn’t take your mind off the single bed. Suddenly every inappropriate dream you’d ever had came to the forefront of your mind and every lewd comment Grimmjow had ever made flashed through your head as if you could hear them aloud again.

Grimmjow hadn’t touched you thus far and you highly doubted that he would. When you’d first left you thought that he’d only agreed to bring you to your father because you had offered to sleep with him, but clearly you’d been mistaken. A part of you felt almost hurt and rejected by the realization and you couldn’t explain it. You knew realistically that you shouldn’t be, that all things considered it was a good thing but you couldn’t stop yourself, you knew if he tried you’d be embarrassed but you didn’t know if you’d actually try to stop him. Do you even want him to touch you? You think about it for a long minute and think that yes, a part of you definitely does, between the dreams and how well you’ve been getting along you know that at least some part of you did but how much of you did that part account for?

That thought is enough to finally get you to move, you force yourself to stop thinking like that and instead rest the bow and quiver on the desk and make your way to the bathroom. You make your way to the small bathtub before turning on the water, you run the water as hot as it will go, which isn’t very hot but it's better than nothing. You plug the drain and as the tub fills you strip from your oversized clothes before placing them over the sink.

The warm water feels amazing on your skin, much better than the last time you’d bathed with the cold water and bucket. You stayed there for a few minutes just enjoying the heat of the bath before washing quickly and getting out, Grimmjow had promised he wouldn’t be gone long and you wanted to see him when he got back. You dried off and went to your clothes to redress.

You put your baggy clothes back on and you're in the process of finger combing your hair when you hear Grimmjow return. His steps slow, assumingly when he doesn’t see you and he calls out your name with more worry in his voice than you thought he would. “One second!” You answer back quickly as you quickly finish with your hair. When you exit the bathroom you find Grimmjow standing in the middle of the room waiting for you. He stares at you for a moment making you falter in your movements, “Yes?” You ask, feeling nervous under his gaze.

“You should have stayed in here with the bow.” He tells you matter of factly. You huff a small laugh, you weren’t good at shooting and he wasn’t far, why did it matter? “I’m serious.” Grimmjow says as his eyes narrow a fraction.

“I didn’t think it was all that serious,” You tell him honestly. “You said you wouldn’t be gone long and that you were going to track down those men, I didn’t think it was necessary. Besides, I have terrible aim, I didn’t think it would do any good or that it would matter.” You finish with a shrug as you walk past him.

He doesn’t let you get too far though, his hand shoots out and wraps around your upper arm as you walk past him. Quickly he spins you around, making you gasp as his other hand grabs your other arm. He hadn’t manhandled you like this in a long time and it shocked you as you looked up at him with concern and confusion. “You’re a far way from home princess.” He growls, “If you think that man was the only one around here who would hurt you then you're dead wrong.”

He stares at you for a second before continuing, “I told you we were in a dangerous area and I meant it.” Grimmjow states, his eyes never leave your own and his hands are still holding your upper arms tightly, not enough to hurt but enough to be uncomfortable and keep you in place.

You nod your head in understanding, “Okay,” You breathed out before continuing, “I understand, I’ll stay close to it next time, I’m sorry.” Grimmjow stares at you for just a moment longer before releasing you with a sigh.

You wait for him to say something else but he doesn’t, instead he throws himself on the bed, resting his hands above his head lazily. You wondered if he’d managed to find those men and if he had what he’d done. He had promised he wasn’t going to kill them and you hoped he hadn’t, the more you thought about it the more you wondered so you just decided to ask. “Did you find them?” You asked as you sat in the chair by the desk.

”Worried I killed them?” He asks while keeping his eyes closed. He still sounded argivated but not nearly as much as he had. You wondered briefly how much of his aggravation and anger was a front and how much was real, you were getting better at telling the two apart but you still couldn’t always be certain.

“Not necessarily,” You answered, even if it was a bit untrue. “I was just curious, but you don’t have to tell me if it went bad or they were more than you could handle or something.” You finished with a shrug and a mocking tone as you tried not to laugh, you watched his eyebrows knit together which didn’t help keep your laughter at bay.

Grimmjow sat up and looked at you with a scowl as he registered your words. “You don’t actually think I’d lose weak scum like that do you?” He asked in irritation.

You gave a small laugh before shrugging at him, “How should I know if you don’t tell me.” You answer back lightly, “Besides, you keep reminding me that I know so little about where we’re at, how should I know what’s out there and what the people are like? I always thought you were stronger than any of us but maybe I’m wrong.” You finish with a laugh.

Grimmjow just shakes his head and sighs, “You think you're funny,” he says sounding exasperated which just earns another small laugh and shrug from you. “No, I didn’t kill them.” He finally answers. “They made themselves scarce and I didn’t bother looking for too long, they won't come back, and if they do, I’ll handle it.” He answers sounding exasperated. “And for your information princess, I am stronger than any of you. I’m the strongest person you’ll ever meet.” He sounds arrogant but when you look at him it seems like he’s pouting which makes you laugh, hard.

His brows knit further as you try to make yourself stop laughing, “Sure you are.” You answer back, still smiling. You knew what he was saying was true, but the fact that he seemed to be pouting was what had you laughing so hard and you tried to explain that to him but you couldn't seem to stop giggling enough to get it all out.

Grimmjow just rolls his eyes at you before flopping back down on the bed, “Yeah, yeah, real cute or whatever.” He doesn’t look at you as he says it, instead tucking his hands behind his head.

“You think I’m cute? Or what I said?” You tease him again, making him sigh dramatically. You knew you should stop but you're having fun and even though he’s being dramatic he clearly doesn’t mean it, you liked how easy it was becoming to joke and tease him. If you would have told yourself a month ago that you felt that way you wouldn’t have believed it but here you were.

“I think you're annoying.” He answers back with a snort and an uncaring tone while still not looking at you.

With a roll of your eyes you rise from the chair in search of your book, content to let the conversation drop. Grimmjow cracks a single bright blue eye open to watch you but doesn’t say anything as you locate your book than resume sitting at the small desk. You flip through the pages until you come across where you had stopped the last time. You only get a few pages read before Grimmjow rises from the bed drawing your attention, “I’m gonna go bathe, stay here and yell if something happens.” He tells you as he walks off.

You just hum in response and focus back on your book. You spend the moments of silence reading, you're close to finishing the book and think idly about teaching Grimmjow more once he’s finished, not seeing much else to do for the evening. A few minutes after you have the thought Grimmjow emerges, you turn to ask if he’d like to continue learning to read but don’t get words out.

Immediately your face flushes, he’s not looking at you when he enters back into the shared space but you can’t take your eyes off him. He’s not wearing a shirt, instead he’s carrying it in his hand and his pants hang low on his waist. You’d never seen it before but a huge scar stretched across his chest, it was fully healed but looked like it had been unbearably painful. You’d heard of battle scars but the fact that he’d been able to survive such a deep looking, large wound like that was impressive.

You know you shouldn’t stare, that it was rude but you couldn’t stop yourself. Beneath his scar there’s well defined muscles and while you’d obviously known Grimmjow had to have strong muscles you’d never actually seen them. If asked you could blame the staring on the scar but you know that’s not the whole truth of it, not that you’d ever admit that though. His pace slows until he completely stops moving all together and your eyes shoot to meet his own only to find him smirking at you, “Enjoying the view?” He asks, causing more heat to grace your already flushed face which just makes him laugh. “Ya know, we could do a lot more than just stare at each other if you wanted, there’s not much else to do and it would definitely pass the time.” He jokes as his smirk becomes almost predatory.

In turn you just roll your eyes even though you're extremely embarrassed at being caught staring you try to act like his words didn’t affect you. Grimmjow just huffs another small laugh before continuing what he’d been doing. You keep thinking about the scar, it was huge and you couldn’t help but wonder how he’d gotten it. You wondered if he’d tell you if you asked, it wasn’t uncommon for him to just outright refuse to answer questions he didn’t like so after a moment you decided to just ask. “How’d it happen? The scar?” You question still not looking at him, instead picking at your hands.

When he doesn’t immediately answer you look up at him only to find him again staring at you except this time there’s no smirking and for just a second you think you’ve upset him. “A fight.” He answers back with a shrug and a sarcastic tone.

You huff as you lean further into the chair, “Obviously.” You quip back in an equally sarcastic tone.

He sighs deeply before speaking, “It’s not that great of a story.” He starts to explain as he runs his hand through his still wet hair. “I got in a fight with someone, he got a good hit in and that was pretty much the end of it.” He explains, “I doubt you’d want all the bloody details of it.” He finishes.

You can’t imagine someone getting the upper hand on Grimmjow like that or how he seemed so casual about it. You can’t help but wonder what had happened to the person who’d been able to injure him, had he killed him? Who was he? How long ago had it been? Again you decide to just ask, “Did you kill him?” You ask as your eyes flick to his scar one last time before again meeting his eyes.

“No, I didn’t kill him.” He answers, sounding a bit angry at the fact, “Tousen showed up and pulled me away before I could.” He explains.

”Why?” You’re asking before you can stop yourself. It hadn’t seemed like anyone had cared all that much when they’d torn through your home to kill and hurt people initially, so why had Tousen stopped Grimmjow from killing this one specific man.

Grimmjow takes a moment before answering to slip his shirt back over his head, “I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be, like I said, not really a great story.” He says with another shrug. “Now, are you gonna teach me to read or do you have more irrelevant questions?” He asks, clearly trying to change the subject. You agreed and moved over to the bed and sat beside him before picking up where you’d left off.

As you sit beside Grimmjow you become hyper aware of how close the two of you are. You’re normally close when you're teaching him but not like this, normally you're doing so while traveling and there’s not really any space to put between the two of you. But now there is space to put between you and still you find yourself close to him, close enough that your legs almost touch and every time you skim a page to find an example for him he leans in a hair closer. You can’t help but think about the sleeping arrangements for the night, the bed is large enough that you could both sleep comfortably without touching each other but it still concerns you a bit.

You tried not to focus on it too heavily, instead trying to keep up with assisting Grimmjow but as time went on and the sun set you began getting tired which only made your mind drift back to the topic more often. No matter how hard you try your mind keeps wandering back to all the dreams you’d had and all the comments Grimmjow had made, he’d slowed down on them but he’d never fully stopped. You thought about his scars and his mask and how it’d feel to run your fingers over them. You thought about what he’d said earlier and wondered if he actually meant it, you didn’t think he did, at least not fully. When you’d left you’d basically given him full reign to do what he wanted but he still hadn’t made any move to do so. Maybe he didn’t view you like that or maybe he found it more fun to fluster you about the idea rather than doing so but ultimately it didn’t matter.

You’re pulled back to reality by Grimmjow calling your name and your eyes dart to him, he’s looking at you with a narrowed almost concerned expression, “You alright?” He asked warily.

You don’t know how long he had spent trying to get your attention and can’t help but feel a bit anxious under his gaze, “I’m alright,” You answer and you can tell that he doesn’t believe you fully, “I’m just tired, sorry.” You half lie, you don’t want to tell him about your nervousness figuring he’ll just make fun of you for it.

Grimmjow sighs and you can’t tell if he fully believes you but he does pull back a few inches, “Stop apologizing all the time, it’s fine. Go to bed if you’re tired.” He tells you with a lazy wave of his hand dismissing you. For just a brief second your eyes dart to the head of the bed before locking with his own eyes again, you're unsure and nervous but slowly, you move towards the other side of the mattress. “Nervous?” Grimmjow asks.

When you turn to face him you expect him to be smirking at you, ready to make a lewd comment of some kind but he’s not. Instead he’s looking at you with a cocked head and calculating expression, like he was trying to figure you out. You swallow nervously before trying to answer, “I- uh, yes?” You all but ask, not quite sure how to respond or act as your eyes drift down to your hands.

Grimmjow huffs a small sigh and stays silent for just a moment, “I’m not him.” Grimmjow tells you pointedly, causing your eyes to flick back to him and widen at the accusation.

Instantly guilt wracks through you, you know he’s not Aizen. Besides the lewd comments he’d occasionally been making Grimmjow had made no move to force you into anything even though you’d told him he could. “I know you're not. I don’t think you’re anything like him, it’s just…” You begin trying to explain but can’t. You don’t know why you’re so nervous, you’d been sleeping in close proximity to Grimmjow for a while now and you knew he wasn’t going to hurt you so why were you so on edge?

You tapered off, not knowing how to explain yourself. “I’ll take the floor.” He decides, after a moment of silence he rises to stretch.

“No!” You instantly gasp, you felt bad enough as it was, you wouldn’t cause him any more uncomfortability than necessary. “I’m fine, I promise! It’s nothing really, we’ve been sleeping close together for a while anyways right?” You try to sound confident in your words even if you’re not.

Grimmjow stands completely still for what feels like eternity but in reality is only a few moments before sighing and grumbling something about you needing to make up your mind.

~~~

No matter how hard you tried you couldn’t sleep, your mind simply would not quiet down enough even though your eyelids were heavy and you longed to be asleep already. You weren’t facing Grimmjow or anywhere near him, there was plenty of space between the two of you but you felt all but suffocated by his presence. Everytime he so much as shifted your breath caught, waiting to see if he’d move further. It was maddening and you still couldn’t figure out why you were so nervous, he wasn’t going to hurt you, he hadn’t forced himself on you and it had been hours since the two of you had crawled into bed.

“You awake, princess?” Grimmjow asks suddenly, startling you. You thought he’d been asleep but apparently you were wrong, you shifted from your side to your back in order to face him, not that you can see anything in the dark room.

“Yes.” You answer back in a whisper even though it's just the two of you. Your heart hammers against your chest and you try to will it to stop unsuccessfully.

Grimmjow hums in response as he moves to lay on his back as well. The two of you stay like that for a few minutes, just laying together in silence before he breaks it again. “You asked me what I would do when this was all over but you never told me what you would do.” He observes, he seemed to be doing that a lot as of late and you couldn’t quite figure out how you felt about it. Maybe he’d always done it and was now just being more vocal about it.

“I’m not sure,” You answer back honestly. “I’ve been so focused on just getting there and seeing my father that I haven’t really thought of the long term.” You confess feeling a bit idiotic for not thinking ahead.

There’s more silence between the two of you and you want to ask why he wants to know but for some reason you can’t bring yourself too. A small part of you whispers that maybe if you answer the way he wanted that maybe he’d stay but the larger part of you knows how unlikely that is or why you’d even really want him too. “Will you marry?” He asks seemingly out of nowhere.

”I’m already married.” You remind him with more bite than intended. It’s not as if it's his fault, again it was something you hadn’t thought about, if you’d ever marry again.

Grimmjow huffs a small sigh, “Nah, it doesn’t count.” He says making your brow knit in confusion before he goes on, “Assuming he doesn’t die in whatever comes of this your father would never allow him anywhere near you. It’s done.” He elaborates.

You think through your answer for a while, you don’t honestly know if you would, you don’t think you would if it were up to you or if anyone would even have you after Aizen. While it was not uncommon for women to remarry after their husbands had passed, your situation was vastly different from any of theirs. Besides there was more than just yourself to think about, you had your entire house to think about as well. While your father had left you free to choose your own match and you hadn’t been too urgent in your searching you were still well aware that the expectation was always there. “I’d prefer not to,” You start telling him, “But I would if necessary.”

Grimmjow doesn’t say anything for a long time, enough so that you think he might be done talking to you all together. You wonder again why he wanted to know, he’d made it very clear that he wasn’t going to stick around for long once you were reunited with your father. “You shouldn’t have to do that. Tell em’ to go fuck themselves and do something you want to do.” Grimmjow speaks with a hint of anger in his voice.

You give a small chuckle in response, you wouldn’t do that. “Maybe not, but I would. Marriage has always been an expectation, it’s not like it’d be a surprise.” You explain.

He shifts again and even though you can’t see him you know that he’s facing you. Again, you find yourself wondering if he has better eyesight than you did, you couldn’t see much of anything with how dark it was, not even moonlight shone into the room with the night sky being overcast. “I don’t have to take you back. I could take you somewhere else. Somewhere where you wouldn’t have to do anything like that. I could take you to see all those stupid places you read about.” He offers almost casually, like it wasn’t a life changing decision that he was offering.

Your breath catches and you don’t know what to say. Where would he take you if you accepted? Why would he offer something like that? A thousand questions run through your head but ultimately you know you can’t accept. You want to see your father again and you can’t just disappear leaving those you love to wonder about you for the rest of your life. “I- I can’t.” You stutter out, “My father, Momo, Lista, I can’t just leave them to wonder about me forever, it’d be cruel.” You explain as best you can.

Grimmjow hums like he understands but you can’t help but wonder if he actually does. He huffs at you to go to sleep before rolling over again. You lie there for a while longer replaying everything that has been said. It takes a long while for you to fall asleep but eventually you slip into a dreamless sleep.

~~~

The first thing you noticed upon waking is how warm you are. Compared to the cold weather you’d been sleeping in you felt heavenly, even when compared to the last inn you’d stayed at you were extremely warm and comfortable. The second thing you noticed is the weight flung over you. Instantly your eyes shoot down only to find that at some point during the night Grimmjow had thrown his arm around you, pulling your back to his chest and kept his arm looped around you just below your breasts.

You can’t help but tense within his hold as your entire body flushes with the realization of how close the two of you were, at how intimate the position the two of you held was. You try to turn your head to see if he’s awake but can’t move enough in his iron-like grip. He doesn’t seem like he’s awake, his breath is shallow and even and he hasn’t moved since you’d awoken. You know you need to pull away before he wakes up, not wanting to deal with the embarrassment of him finding the two of you like this. You know that it’ll be nothing but inappropriate comments that you won't know how to respond to.

You start trying to move away from him as best you can while also trying to move slow and quiet enough that he doesn’t wake. His arm feels like a lead weight and you only make it a few inches before his grip on you tightens and he pulls you back against him more firmly than you had been before you’d begun moving. You let out a small yelp at the sudden and quick movement, you hadn’t been expecting him to move and you certainly hadn’t expected to be pulled closer.

Grimmjow huffs a deep sigh and you can feel his warm breath against the skin of your ear making you shiver lightly as goosebumps rise on your skin. You wait for him to move further or say something or anything but nothing happens. You wait a minute longer but still, nothing. You think he might have fallen back asleep or perhaps he’d never fully woken up so you decide to start trying to move again.

This time you don’t even manage to put any distance between you before he tightens his hold on you, “Stop moving like that princess.” Grimmjow rasps against your ear. His voice was laced thick with sleep and had dropped significantly leaving you feeling conflicted and strange.

His hand rises just a bit higher and you can’t help the deep breath you take in as you go ridgid, his hand had already been close to your breasts and now rested just below them. You thought that he might be finally moving to touch you but his hand comes to a stop. “Grimmjow,” you breath out, sounding shaky and nervous. Your chest felt tight but not in any way you had felt before, you were nervous but not scared, intimidated but not frightened. “I was trying to-” You start to explain before getting cut off.

“I’m aware of what you were trying to do.” He says before bringing his lips closer to your ear, “But moving like that against a man isn’t a good idea, unless you’d like to be fucked.” He rasps against you, so close that his skin brushes against yours. “Which can definitely be arranged if you’d prefer.” You swallow thickly as a shiver travels through you, instantly his hand unravels itself from around you quickly to grab onto your hip, pinning you in place and making you gasp at the sudden movement. “I have half a mind to make you deal with the repercussions of all your squirming.” He huffs out deeply against you, leaving you to hold your breath as you wait to see if he means what he says or not.

You don’t have long to think about whether you want him to continue or not before he releases you fully. You all but scurry away as he sits up and stretches with a yawn. When you turn to face him he’s smirking at your reddened face which only makes you scowl at him. He lets out a barking laugh at your reaction, “Don’t look at me all angry princess, you were on my side of the bed.” He points out teasingly, making you roll your eyes.

He was right, somehow the two of you had been on the side he’d claimed but that meant little. He’d pulled you against him easily when you’d tried to escape, who's to say that’s not how you’d gotten there in the first place. “Maybe you pulled me over there.” You huff out pointedly which just earns you another laugh.

“Maybe.” He answers with an uncaring shrug and a smirk. You roll your eyes and huff before turning and walking into the bathroom to get a moment away from him. Once inside you let your head fall back against the door as you focus on breathing. Grimmjow had you completely flustered and out of breath but you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that more than he already did, not wanting to fan his ego more than necessary.

You can hear him begin to move around the room but make no move to rejoin him, not wanting to deal with any of his quips or remarks for a few moments. “I’m going out before we leave, you know the drill, stay here and don’t let anyone in.” He yells. Once you let him know that you’d heard him he leaves, letting the door loudly close behind him. You’re thankful for the small bit of time alone, you wash your face with cold water before walking back into the bedroom.

You remember Grimmjow's warning from the previous day about staying near the bow and quiver of arrows even though you don’t think it’ll do much good or that anything’s going to happen. The bow rests against the small bedside table and you glance at it briefly as you make your way to the desk to read. You want nothing more than to move on as far away from this room and the shared bed as quickly as possible. Everytime you so much as glance towards the bed your mind whirls with hypotheticals of what could have happened.

You sit with your stolen book not fully focusing on the words you're reading. Instead you're thinking about Grimmjow's arm around you and how he’d spoken to you. You hadn’t moved to stop him and you can’t help but wonder what would have happened if he’d been serious, would you have actually let him do what he’d wanted? You wished you could stop thinking about him in such ways all the time but as each day passed it seemed harder and harder and it drove you insane.

You’re brought back to reality by the door opening, you’d have preferred more time without Grimmjow to think but you were also more than ready to leave. “That was fast, are we…” Your words died on your tongue as you spun around. A man stood in your doorway with his head cocked at you and a light, smug smile played on his face.

“Well, this certainly makes it easy doesn’t it? I expected to find Grimmjow here with you but I guess not.” The man speaks mirthfully, clearly excited at the prospect of finding you unguarded. The man has a bone mask on the side of his head that rises in two points with teeth pointed downwards. He’s got longer black hair that hangs to the back of his neck and three pink diamond tattoos sit above his eye. He’s not particularly tall or strong looking but the bone mask makes it clear what he is and what he’s capable of. “Though it does make sense, he’s never been the most loyal dog unfortunately.” He sneers with his head still cocked as he makes his way further into the room before shutting the door rather gently when compared what you’d expected, you expected for him to slam it, to intimidate you perhaps, but he doesn’t.

Your eyes stay glued to the bone mask as he moves and your mind reels with possible solutions. You know you need to get away from the man before you, get to the street, find Grimmjow. You have to do something other than staying in this room and waiting for whatever the man has planned. To do any of that though you first need to make it past him but he kept himself intentionally planted between you and the door. Your eyes dart towards the bow and quiver of arrows for just a second before he manages to piece together what you’d loosely planned, “Don’t.” He warns.

The warning barely registers with you before you’re moving, you're closer to the weapon than he is to you. You just have to reach it and turn on him before he can make it to you. You’re moving faster than you ever had before, you didn’t want to go back, you wouldn’t be dragged back, not now, not when you’d made it this far. Your hand wrapped around the bow as you pulled a single arrow from the quiver, you spun to face the man only for him to grab hold of the bow and pull.

You hadn’t expected him to be as close as he was and as a result the bow comes loose from your hand quickly, only for the man to throw it behind him, leaving it out of reach. You lash out with the arrow aiming to stab at him with the pointed edge but he’s much faster than he would appear. He’s got your wrist in his hand and twists to the point of pain, making you yelp and drop the arrow. Once you’re fully unarmed he twists your arm against your back and spins you before fisting the other hand into your hair and pulling, forcing your head back. “You’re putting up much more of a fight than I would have thought, though if I were you I’d get it out of your system quick, I doubt your husband will take kindly to it.” He tells you in a mocking tone. ”Now you can walk out of here with me or I can-” The man had begun to speak before the door flung open.

Grimmjow made his way into the room absolutely seething with rage, he’s not looking at you, instead his eyes bore into the other man's own eyes. Grimmjow keeps his eyes trained on the man as he takes a slow step into the room, the coldness in his gaze and the slow movement remind you of a predator stalking its prey. You’d never seen his eyes quite like they were now. The coldness in them ran far deeper than they had even that day in your room, gone was any light or smug remarks. You hadn’t been scared of him in a long time but it was clear why people were. “Luppi.” Grimmjow snarled what you assumed was the man's name.

The hand fisted in your hair lightens its hold slightly, “Grimmjow,” The man, Luppi, snears. “I was just telling the little lady that she bet on the wrong dog.” Grimmjow breathes out a deep breath while his hand falls to the sword at his waist, fingers tightening around the hilt in a clear threat which causes Luppi to let out a laugh. “Unless you plan to cut through her, I’d keep it put away.” For the first time since he’d entered the room Grimmjow’s eyes fall on you, it’s only for a split second before they dart back to Luppi. You know you need to move, somehow you need to move far enough so that Grimmjow won’t hit you if he swings on him.

Luppi laughs again, “I can’t believe it,” he starts as his laughter dies off, “The whole trek up here, I didn’t believe those rumors.” He gives a disbelieving laugh and his hand fisted in your hair loosens further. You have no idea what he’s talking about but Grimmjow seems to, his eyes narrow as Luppi continues. “But they’re right aren’t they?” His body shakes with more laughter and you realize you're able to move your head around completely freely. “Never thought I’d live to see the day that Nnoitra was right about-” You don’t give him the chance to finish, instead you slam the back of your head into his face as hard as you can.

It hurts far more than you expected it too but clearly it hurts Luppi a lot more, he yells as he doubles over as his fingers come completely loose from your hair and you use the opportunity to spin back around and try to pull away while taking a step back. You’re not fully able to pull away and he growls as he again tries to pull you back into place but you dig in your heels. Luppi’s grip on your wrist turns painful and you're briefly afraid that he’ll pull your arm from its socket.

Within a blink of an eye Grimmjow's sword is embedded in Luppis chest. You can hear the crunch of his ribs as Grimmjow’s sword tears through him deep enough that the guard is pressed flat against his chest and he finally releases his hold on your wrist. You stumble back a few short steps before Luppi makes a gurgling sound and his widened eyes snap up to meet Grimmjow’s own uncaring eyes. Grimmjow’s ice cold eyes bore into him for several seconds before he violently rips the blade out of him.

Luppi stumbles to the floor before fully collapsing with heavy, wheezing breaths. Grimmjow whirls around to face you and you look at him still shocked. He steps towards you, slowly and carefully, he raises his hand slowly, letting it hover for a moment before placing it on your upper arm. “We need to leave right now, are you hurt?” He asks with clear concern written on his face as his thumb slowly strokes up your arm in a reassuring manner.

You shake your head in denial, “No, I’m alri-” You start to say before Luppi makes a final croaking noise, cutting you off. Instantly your eyes flick towards where he lay, you can’t see much of him, only his legs and the pool of blood slowly speaking across the floor. You can’t help but take in a shaky breath and stiffen as you realize that yet another person has died because of you.

Grimmjow’s hand rises to your face and pushes lightly to make you face him again, “Don’t,” He says with a shake of his head. “Don’t look at him.” He tells you before stepping to place himself between you and Luppi’s body, fully blocking your view. He starts moving you back towards the door, only pausing to reach for your cloak before wrapping it around your shoulders and tying it quickly for you. “Go wait by the horse, I’ll take care of things here and be out in a minute.” He commands you before spinning you around and pushing you out before waiting for you to answer.

You step out into the winter air and make your way towards the horse. You know it’s cold but you can’t even feel it as you come to a stop before the horse. You place your hand on the animal gently but all you can think about is the sound of Luppi dying. The sound of him choking on his blood, his ribs breaking, his labored breaths and his last gurgle. They all play through your head nonstop.

It takes only a few short minutes before Grimmjow joins you. He ties off the supplies before he comes to a stop in front of you, when you look up at him his eyes dart around your face for a second before they settle back on your own eyes. Wordlessly he takes your hand and helps you up onto the horse before taking his place behind you.

“You two leaving?” A voice sounds from behind you, instantly you go rigid and whip your head in the direction of the voice, fearful that it’s someone else trying to hunt you for Aizen. The man from the inn’s front desk stands before you. Grimmjow just grunts in confirmation, clearly trying to avoid speaking to the man. “You sure, there’s a storm brewing up north, looks like a big one, I’ll give ya the room back for half the price.” The man offers. Grimmjow just shakes his head and moves to continue but the man speaks again. “Look, I can’t in good conscience let you take that girl out there, I’d want someone to look out for my daughter if it were me. Take the room free of charge. Nothing good comes from a storm like that.” The man tries to argue.

You know he’s just being kind but you wish the man would shut up and leave. “We’re fine.” Grimmjow barks out clearly feeling the same before breezing past the man. You want nothing more to be out of this town, away from Luppi’s corpse and anyone else who’d come with him.

[wings-of-ink]

First Devlog?

Hello everyone...boy, there are a lot of you already, still trying to digest that...

So, I gather that I should do these logs on occasion. I do not know how often, perhaps just when I have a few things to say. I will try not to ramble too much, but my fingies like to talk.

Anyway, I am working on chapter 3 right now. There’s some fun moments so far in it that I hope you’ll like, and we’ll get to meet Zahn, Duri'naan, and then Rundis. I’m trying not to rush because there are some exciting scenes that I’m eager to get to. I’ve outlined them to tide myself over until I get that far. There’s some quiet moments you’ll get to have as well, and right now I feel like that’s what I’m struggling with. Those areas of my story are like bridges to the next, more exciting, parts and sometimes I feel like they fall a little flat. But, I’m trying to keep in mind this is my first draft. I’ll go through it another time or two to perk things up. Those moments are still important for letting the MC get to know each RO.

My mind has been in a million directions lately too, and I’ve had a lot of ‘duh’ moments. I’ve done so much world building since I started this last year (around August/September I think), that I have pockets of important details that I kinda just forgot! So, I plan to re-read all the notes I’ve made and try to also put them into one place. I have some in my phone, in a notebook, and in no less than three folders on my laptop. It’s a wonder I have survived this many years…

What you can expect for coming updates…

-A couple fixes, of course – thank you to those who found some of those pesky buggy bois for me.

-A nicer front page, instead of being slapped with my ramblings, I’d like to actually have a nice start page. I’ll figure it out eventually, lol.

-I’ll be adding a name bank to the MC’s Nameday scene that will also show you what each name means, so if that is important to you, it’ll save you the internet search. If it tickles your fancy, the name selection will correspond in some way to the marks (names meaning "night" or "storm," etc.) so you can theme your MC a bit.

-Extra coding in case you decide to shorten MC’s given name to just “Ravi.” I did not once consider that anyone would do this, and my first play-tester – my own spouse – did….He told me about it since it made some dialog with Oswin make zero sense, and then I published the story without fixing it because I completely forgot about it.

-Different contrast color for dark mode links. I feel like I have drastically improved this with a new gold color. In retrospect, I don’t know why I didn’t use the gold before. I love it as an accent, I use it all over! The blue never felt 100% right, but my brain shut down after thinking about it too long. Here’s a sample and a (M) Zahn tease:

When can you expect an update?

I’d like to make my next update during the Amare Games Festival, ideally containing both chapters 3 and 4 since they go pretty tightly together. This will also insure that you meet the rest of the posse. It’s a tall order for both chapters to be submitted on time, and I don’t want to rush them either, but I’m going to try really really hard, lol. I will focus first on polishing chapter 3, so that no matter what, I can at least get it out in time.

Here’s a link to the post about it:

And this is the submission time frame: open from March 31st 2024 at 11:00 PM to May 1st 2024 at 12:00 AM

As a side message, should you want to read on…

I also wanted to give you all a big, like really big, heartfelt thank you. I have received so many kind messages and comments that I just can’t believe it. I am so happy (and honestly, genuinely shocked) that you’re enjoying my IF, and I’m motivated to work hard so you also enjoy each new chapter of your journey. There’s so many secrets I want to share with you about the world, and I am struggling to be patient myself, lol.

I am not usually a very open or social person, and I was scared for a long time to share anything I wrote. I reached a point in my personal life in the last few years where I just needed to embrace what I loved to do and share it with a community that shares in that love. I encourage you to do the same whether there is a story in your heart, music on your lips, or a paintbrush in your hands. Life is NOT about your 8-5. We may not be able to survive without it, but whatever moment you can, do what you actually love. Put away the those things that don’t matter, the things that stress you - including people, and make time for who you are.

Thank you all and take care!

~Lunan

[jttwaudiodrama]

Zhuang's JttW Doodles #2

Ne Zha yelled, “You unruly, fiendish monkey! How could you not know me? I am Ne Zha, Third Prince of my King Father the Pagoda-Bearer. By the imperial command of the Jade Emperor, I have come to arrest you.” Wu Kong burst into laughter, “Little prince, your baby teeth have yet fallen, and your foetal hair is still wet. How dare you talk so big? I shall spare your life and not fight you."

Journey to the West, Chapter 4

This poem appears in Chapter 4, Part 2 of the audio drama.

Also featured on our Patreon page.

===

Hi, this is Zhuang. I made all the art for this series.

Here are some doodles I made almost 10 years ago when I could kind of draw but not really. Not sure if I'm entirely out of that state now but hopefully I have improved.

Each one corresponds to a specific passage in the original text, as written on the doodle itself in traditional Chinese. And I will also put the English translation from the audio drama down below for your reference. Not every chapter has a doodle, so I will post the ones we've already covered in the drama, and the rest as we eventually get there.

===

Why I chose this scene:

Ne Zha was a rebel of his own in his earliest days. A child so out of control that left his own father permanently traumatized. One wonders if Ne Zha in any way saw his younger self in Wu Kong.

In a way, Wu Kong's "crimes" definitely affected more people/god, but they were also much less violent and gruesome. Compared to Ne Zha, who paid for his sins with his own flesh and blood, what Wu Kong did sure seemed like a child's play.

Back to this actual encounter. Wu Kong definitely has his own little rulebook on who he would or would not fight. He tends to start with verbal insults, usually about how weak and unworthy his opponent is.

Ne Zha was definitely older than he was despite looking like a little boy. At the same time, Ne Zha was just as easily provoked as Wu Kong was. This is one of the earliest instances of Wu Kong trashtalking his opponent and getting into a fight anyway.

Wu Kong probably knows the trashtalking never deters anyone. He just has a lot of fun doing it.

[lostheretics]

PLOT TWIST (2)

▸ chapter 2; la vie en... rose?

pt 1 || pt 2

✵ cast : jung wooyoung x fem!reader, ateez, few characters from a certain world... you might know them (vincenzo characters)

✵ genre : romance, marriage life, eventual angst, suggestive, mafia!au, non idol!au

✵ summary : oh how time flies. how far you've become, and who you've become. and in that time, you've meddled with your captors, now family— ateez. you knew you should be ready for a life not so normal, far from fairytale ones with ateez, knowing their background. but you realized; maybe you've been wearing your rose-colored glasses for too long to truly understand them.

to become even more.

✵ notes : it's been 7 months... i caught covid twice, etc etc but i swear i'm trying to write. can't promise for the upcoming parts to come out fast, but i guess, enjoy.

p.s i really need to make my own poster/pic but alas— gif credits belongs to the owner.

p.s.s DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. what to do instead? give ur thoughts, REBLOG.

☒ warnings: i don't think there's much... just depictions of mafia life, a lil harsh word here and there. minors dni still.

☒ i do not condone mafia acts nor any acts that goes against the law at all. everything mentioned are just purely fiction, made to entertain myself and fellow readers in this particular platforms.

☒ do not repost this on any other platform without my permission!

✓ reblogging, liking, and commenting this post in tumblr are much more appreciated.

some say time is absolute, with every minute and every second that counts. some say time is nothing but a mere illusion, that it doesn't really correspond with physical

you decided to believe the latter.

because nothing can explain how it flies so fast; one morning jung wooyoung proposed to you, one blink away and you're in a white dress, in church married to the said man, another blink of an eye and you called him your husband.

it felt like a blink of an eye, and yet here you are, a wife of jung wooyoung for nearly a year; according to the calendar, that is.

you're quite sure that time is merely an illusion, because everything happened so fast; yet you could remember every single thing that happens within it. how you wake up next to wooyoung every morning, seeing his puffy face and hearing his raspy morning voice, nagging him to get up early so that hongjoong would save his own nagging for another thing other than your husband. a year, and you've known every nook and cranny of the mansion you've lived in with your husband and the rest of his brothers in crime.

each and every day just like now, you'd drive to wooyoung's main workplace, a small place just in the outskirts of the town. it was a designated place for ateez's new recruits to mostly build their fighting abilities and make these new people become a part of the mafia. wooyoung has always been in charge of recruiting new people and teaching them anything that needs to be taught, along with jongho and sometimes, san, because he likes to hangout with wooyoung. a year and you've learned enough about ateez.

hongjoong is the captain, the boss, the head of the group and the main face of ateez.

although everyone is basically hongjoong's right hand men, they agreed that seonghwa serves as hongjoong's main right hand. he would do big projects and watch over ateez's biggest business. he would also serve as vice captain.

yunho used to serve in the human resources department with wooyoung, but he's found to be more diligent with transportation and weaponry. both in usage and knowledge.

everyone silently agrees that yeosang has one of the most important role in ateez. ateez wouldn't have been there, or become this big if it wasn't for yeosang and the kang industries which he and his sister manage together. kang industries manages drugs development and sales, a business that his father left for his children including yeosang. he took business classes and medical once, but left both in pursuing his business and mafia career. he serves as the public façade to cover up ateez's dirty business, a casual medical crew, sometimes ateez's bankroll, accountant, et cetera. anything he can work on, he'll work on it.

mingi, along with yunho, works in weaponry. but he's entrusted more with the computers, either hacking, collecting or calculating the data. sometimes serves as the spy too.

spying jobs are left mostly on san, because the man is basically a shadow. he knows everything, will find anything, and can trap anything or even anyone.

jongho, the youngest is the most flexible of all. he works in human resources, mostly teaching newbies to fight as he has the ability. he's strong, he understands his weapons, he works fast, and in silence. only speaks his mind out in his home.

then comes wooyoung and his social butterfly trait. like what has been said before, he recruits, and taught the new recruits whatever needed to be taught. he is loved and respected by the workers within ateez, and even by his own brothers. compared to others, he might have the lowest rank of all, even though ateez never really go with ranks unless to other people outside the eight brothers.

but you love him, nonetheless.

too deep in thought about life, you didn't even realize you've reached your destination. you park your car near the warehouse and got out of the car. you walk to a small door, guarded by a big muscly guy with a foul look in his face. despite everything that looks bad on him, when he sees your figure, he quickly stands aside and open the door for you.

inside, a couple of men stood inside available boxing rings and practice their fighting abilities. the whole place reeks of sweat and blood, but nothing is really new to you. you walk further inside, and found wooyoung practicing some movements with some newbies.

"woo," you called out to him.

one syllable in one certain voice is all that jung wooyoung needed to hear, just to know that it's you, his dear wife. one year of marriage and love taught him that.

wooyoung quickly turn his head to your direction, a grin plastered on his face. he walks to you in fast paces, quickly engulfing you in his arms.

"woo— ew, i love you, but you reek of sweats," you slightly pull away from the hug, but both of your hands still encircling his waist. he chuckles, "yeah? but you love me still. and don't you dare lie to my face, you like me drenched in sweat and in these tank tops, right?"

there's no point in lying, he's right. he does look hot with that black tank top of his.

"whatever," you finally say, "anyways, i brought food. are san and jongho here?"

"jongho just went home. san is here, but," literally, jung wooyoung, who just shouted with domination here and there to the recruits in the warehouse, pouted in front of you. "i wanna have lunch just with you. just the two of us in my office, not with san third wheeling us."

"i heard that, asshole." san chimed in ever so suddenly, looking at wooyoung up and down with annoyance in his eyes. "also, hi y/n. i'm up for your food any time."

"she's my wife, san. not yours." wooyoung deadpanned.

"ouch, you used to call me baby too, wooyoung, so shut up and let me have her food. she's basically my wife too now." san answered, "right y/n?"

you laughed at that, but resolves to giving san his own portion of lunch, "go on, have some, but leave me to him. i really don't wanna hear him nagging at me out of jealousy until midnight."

"i'm not jealous!"

"good joke, woo," san mocked him, then turns to you and smiles warmly, "anyway, thanks y/n! i'll eat the rest with the new kids. you two, go being all lovey dovey all you want in the office."

with that, san walks away from the both of you, followed by the rest of the recruits to the common room for lunch time. wooyoung grabs your free hand and guides you into his office. as soon as the door closes he quickly engulfs you in another hug, this time accompanied by a kiss on your lips, which you replied back with a kiss.

"how's your day?"

"how's your day?"

you both chuckle to that, knowing you'll both have the same answer to that, "same old, same old."

most days are played on repeat, together you'll eat, sleep, go to wooyoung's lair, eat, sleep, et cetera.

but the other days might be another story to tell.

'hey baby, uhm, you didn't answer my call so i thought i'd leave a voicemail. this is a super not fun info because something suddenly came up. hongjoong hyung sent me with yunho and mingi out to japan, uhh, i still don't know what's up yet. but everyone's basically have their own work, and that includes you.

hongjoong hyung, seonghwa hyung, and yeosang want you to go to yeosang's office. like asap.

—oh! and i love you babe. call me or leave a voicemail soon okay?'

some days are like this.

slow and unsure pace as you walk through the grandeur of yeosang's company, to his office. security greeted you on their way, noticing who you are as you stepped into the elevator. you pressed floor 43. yeosang fears high places, and you still don't understand why he chose the highest floor for his office.

CEO kang yeosang

of kang industries

you gave a knock before turning the doorknob and step into the room. seonghwa, hongjoong, and yeosang all turned their heads to your direction.

"come and sit, y/n." hongjoong commanded. you quickly did as he told.

"what's happening? wooyoung told me something came up so suddenly." you asked, sitting across hongjoong, next to yeosang.

"babel comp. that shit jang hanseok broke things up between us. he tricked us with some paper company from japan, run by a group of yakuza. i sent yunho, mingi and wooyoung to watch around in japan." hongjoong gritted his teeth, clearly pissed with the current problem. he stood up and ruffled his hair out of frustration.

"it costs us 50 million won." seonghwa added. "could be more."

tired of beating around the bush, you spoke, "and what do you want me to do?"

you didn't mean for the words to come out like that; as if laced with sarcasm, with pride. to come out so sourly to left hongjoong wordless and turning his back on you, his shoulder slumping a little. seonghwa and yeosang keep their heads down. reading the air around, you're quick to understand their guilt.

you did tell them not to work with babel before.

however hongjoong persisted with his own ideas and as captain, no one can really say no to him. not even seonghwa. you fully understand why he did that. trusting you, even after a year of marriage with wooyoung was a heavy task for him. you came from nowhere, had no significant background, and then took one of his brother's heart, entering ateez. the others might love you, though seonghwa and yeosang are more on the timid side.

but to hongjoong, you're an outsider.

an outsider who somehow understand how the underworld works, proven by how your words and actions saved the organization many times. despite hongjoong being skeptical and denial most of the times.

you didn't bother to count their mistakes. you're willing to work for his trust, that is.

"which branch of babel did you work on?" you asked, which yeosang answered. "babel constructions."

"thank god. you should stop worrying over it, then. with or without our play in it, babel constructions and babel overall is going to fall into shambles." seeing hongjoong's yet again skeptical look on his face, you added. "it's not a secret that they're going through many legal —or should i say, illegal issues now. especially babel chemicals and construction. i think that's why he's using some paper company to trick us.

the other secret is that there's a problem between jang hanseok and his brother, jang hanseo. there's a rumor going around about hanseok's dirty work, and unsavory stories about him killing his father and took everything from hanseo. there's also rumor going around that hanseo is asking for help from the underworld. he's not as powerful as his brother, but his voice is still heard."

"nothing is written nor signed legally on a paper between babel and you, so that's a free move for ateez," sitting forward, you cleared your throat. "my advice is to send seonghwa to japan. it's about time we strengthen our connections there anyways. work with the yakuzas, find the yakuza working with jang hanseok. negotiate, and if needed, set boundaries and resort to violence to assert dominance. but stay safe, please." you said to seonghwa, "yeosang,"

yeosang looked up to you, awaiting your next words, "kang med&chem manufacturers is standing strong. going against babel chemicals in their weak moments is going to be a challenge, but one that we can do. assert dominance. take over the market and trades. send san to sniff around babel, find anything about them, and to offer help to jang hanseo. send jongho to japan and send mingi home to help san around."

"babel is not gonna give ateez their 50 million won back, so i suggest we take over babel as whole. they have many assets outside of their money and that's gonna be a good thing for ateez to have." you concluded.

"wouldn't that be too hard? too risky?" seonghwa chipped. you nodded.

"it could be. but not if san found a treasure we can use against them. not if we join hand in hand with jang hanseo. not if we mobilize some friends. like stray kids, a little help from the lee family."

hongjoong turned his head around hearing the name, "the lees?"

"i heard lee's uncle or whatever put some money in it too. the police are gonna find out soon and deemed them as part of babel's dirty work. you know the lees, they don't like it when things get messy or if they lose money." you explained, "and since you put the first effort, they only need what they lose be given back to them and with a little bit of extra. babel will still be yours, ateez connection to japan gets stronger, the lees as friends. play your cards right and you'll get everything."

"what do you say, hyung?"

upon yeosang's question, he and seonghwa looked over to hongjoong, awaiting for his approval. the said captain seemed to hesitate for a while, before he turned his body and stared at the three of you, finalizing his decisions.

"do as she says. report to me and y/n daily, even for the smallest inconvenience." he said, "starting from now."

"i'm taking the soonest flight to japan." seonghwa stated. he bowed to the rest of you before walking out of yeosang's office to perform his duty.

yeosang did the same not long after seonghwa. "i'll prepare for future deals and takeovers. i'm heading out."

they left you alone with hongjoong.

not wanting to sit around too long in an uncomfortable air, you sighed and stood up, wanting to leave, "i'm going back home. try not to overthink things, and i'm always available if you need me again." you assured him.

you were about to turn the doorknob when hongjoong turned around and hurriedly called your name, "y/n."

you watched as he walks in a slow pace towards you, looking defeated yet still held his head high. he put his hand on your shoulder gave it a tight squeeze.

"come with me to the auction tomorrow. there's gonna be a lot of important people there. i need you to do something for me."

you raised your eyebrows, "those parties are for the known people within the underground world. i know people, but people don't know me. i'm still a shadow, hongjoong."

"then i guess it's time to bring you under the light."

"what do you want me to do?"

hongjoong chuckled and smiled curtly, "don't rush. you'll know tomorrow. take it easy."

you nodded, though unsure. "okay." you turned back to go on your way out of the office when hongjoong blurted out the words that had you stunned.

"thank you y/n. and i'm sorry."

"i'm not used to this attitude, cap. you're scaring me," you laughed though a bit forcefully, trying to ease the thick serious air around. yet hongjoong didn't budge, still staring down at you with a pair of guilty but prideful eyes, voice still within a serious tone.

"i hope you understand why i did it. you came out of nowhere, you claimed wooyoung's heart, as that punk said," he chuckled, "but before all of that, and until now, he's my brother. no matter how annoying wooyoung can be, he's my family. despite how strong and reckless he can be, i know he's... the weakest out of all of us. you gave him a weak point, y/n. and that's not something that i like."

"but... getting rid of you would be a nuisance too. it seems wooyoung loved you too much and the rest of us liked you enough. that gives me no choice but to start accepting you. what i'm saying is... i don't like you, but i'll try. for wooyoung."

"so... does this mean i'm off the hook or what cap?"

"one wooyoung is enough, not you too." his voice sounding full of defeat, out of joke, of course, almost sending you on the verge of laughing your back off. you thought it's not time yet.

you reminisce on those days. the littlest act you got from hongjoong because he refused to interact much with you. a look of hostility and not an ounce of trust in it. it was tiring constantly living on a thin ice with him around as captain. no one could do anything, not even when the rest of them already welcomed you, not even your own husband. all wooyoung could tell you every night was 'let him take his time, his pace has always been different than us'. you'd like to think how it'll feel when hongjoong finally accepted you.

you look at his face. it was rough with little wrinkles here and there, yet still exudes pride and can induce fear from anyone he wanted, made from years of working in the underground world. years of beating up and being beaten up, of constant wars and darkness. ateez' captain. your captain.

you'd like to hate him, but not with what he had in mind. he wanted to protect his loved ones, including wooyoung. and for that, you're more than willing to forgive him for the inconvenience he caused you. for that reason only, you could start feeling that respect running within you upon hearing his name.

"walk out with me, y/n." hongjoong chirped, breaking you out of your thoughts. pushing the door open, the both of you walked out of yeosang's office. on the way to the elevator, he offered you his left arm, which you take with slight hesitation. however, instead of going down with the elevator, hongjoong took a turn and brought you to the emergency exit leading to the company's rooftop.

there was particularly nothing there, just dirty concrete.

"didn't know this place has a rooftop..." you murmured. hongjoong only chuckled. he took a deep breath before speaking again.

"look around. tell me what you see."

and you did as he told. "nothing in particular. other buildings. concrete. they could've done something to make the rooftop better, i guess." you shrugged.

"good. now tell me where are we standing right now."

"yeosang's company rooftop. kang industries."

"and how good kang industries is?"

"compared to government owned or companies of long history, i'd say it's strong. it holds a significant percentage of this country's market, both domestic and international." you answer as best as you could.

hongjoong nods. the night wind blew his neat hair and rendered it messy, but he couldn't care less, when he pointed his finger to a certain corner of the rooftop.

"i was already with seonghwa when i met yeosang. the company was already unstable when he wanted to join the brotherhood, rebelling against his family. at that corner, yeosang pledged his loyalty to the brotherhood," hongjoong explained, then continued. "that same corner witnesses how we treated mingi when he almost died on one of our heist. yeosang sewed him up himself. we hid here for a couple days, while police were still hot on our tails. i could hear their sirens blasting in the city even though we're up so high in here."

"at that corner i realize we weren't strong enough. but we have the base to be so, heck yeosang even has a company. i wanted us to be strong, and all of us made a pact there. that we'll do better. that we'll surpass good, that we'd be the monster. that, no matter how small we look, we'll be unbeatable, untouchable. and even if someone could beat us, we'll be remembered as ateez the fighter, who fights until the end. soldiers. brothers even in the darkness." he said. then he turned at you, staring down at you with his dark eyes. both of his hands moved to grab your shoulders, keeping you in place. "we came from nowhere, before we finally became who we are today. once again, i hope —no. i need you to understand, y/n. ateez is more than a mere mafia group."

"we are brothers bound by blood, tied at souls. and to become a part of ateez..." he pressed, "is to stay loyal. with all tears, sweat, blood. with everything that we have. and until death. can you do the same to us?"

for a moment, there was nothing but silence.

and in that moment, everything that you believe about hongjoong, you retract them all back. in that moment your mind worked with all its might to change your perspective of kim hongjoong.

he's not a man, he's not just a captain.

kim hongjoong is a fucking monster.

one that's willing to break anything to protect his loved ones. to hunt down anyone of anything that disturbs them. he'll eat anyone alive if they ever dare lay a finger on him. he'll kill, and will let anyone get hurt if it meant to protect them.

if he promises his arm, he'll cut and pay it with his whole arm. a man who never breaks an oath.

both your hands moved on their own, latching onto hongjoong's at your sides. you gave his hands a squeeze before giving a short answer.

"yes."

hongjoong nods in satisfaction and understatement. yours might be a short answer, but he understand still, what all of tonight's conversation meant to you. he understand what kind of thoughts you were having right then, the reason for the choice that you've made and promised to him.

you only had wooyoung in mind.

undoubtedly, wooyoung is a part of ateez. and if you have to give anything to ateez for wooyoung, you'd do it in a heartbeat. you'd do anything for ateez.

for wooyoung.

(to be continued...)

taglist: @thisisnotangel

i legit... did not sleep.... not just for this, but like— you get the drill.

life, in the form of college is catching up on me and im abt to bust my head open. BUT GUESS WHAT it was like on and off and on and off and im like??? "okay then start writing, fill in those gaps" but instead im filled those gaps with anxiety. and covid. and other things but writing —😤😤😤

regardless, i still want to finish this story. so bad. i have the greatest idea in my mind abt this story im abt to cOMBUST IF I DONT LET IT ALL OUT—

anyways... sorry for the wait... and enjoy.

[the-conversation-pod]

Comfort Food

Japan is leaning into its cozy heartwarming bona fides and we’re liking what it’s giving. We'll discuss an amnesia show and two different food shows. Please eat before you watch any of these shows or you'll be so hungry.

Ben and NiNi discuss the Japanese BLs Jack o' Frost, Our Dining Table (Bokura no Shokutaku), and Naked Dining (Zenra Meshi).

Listen on Apple Podcasts

Listen on Google Podcasts

Timestamps

The timestamps will now correspond to chapters on Spotify for easier navigation.

0:00 - Welcome 1:15 - Intro 2:01 - Jack o' Frost 23:40 - Our Dining Table (Bokura no Shokutaku) 48:00 - Naked Dining (Zenra Meshi) 1:02:50 - The J-BL Victory Lap and the Food BL Flop

The Conversation: Now With Transcripts!

We received an accessibility request to include transcripts for the podcast. We are working with @ginnymoonbeam on providing the transcripts and @lurkingshan as an editor and proofreader.

We will endeavor to make the transcripts available when the episodes launch, and it is our goal to make them available for past episodes. When transcripts are available, we will attach them to the episode post (like this one) and put the transcript behind a Read More cut to cut down on scrolling.

Please send our volunteers your thanks!

0:00 - Welcome

Nini

Hello, hello! Your QL fandom aunty and uncle are here with giant sunglasses, brown liquor in a flask, a folded five-dollar bill to slip into your hand when no one is looking, lukewarm takes, occasional rides on the discourse, deep dives into artistry and the industry.

Ben

Lots of simping! I’m Ben.

Nini

I’m Nini.

Ben

And this is The Conversation. About once a season, we plan to swan in and shoot the shit on faves, flops, and trends that we’ve been noticing in the BL, GL, or QL Industry. Between seasons, you can find us typing way too many words on Tumblr.

1:15 - Intro

Ben

This spring Japan continued to lean into its cozy, heartwarming bona fides, and we're liking what it’s giving! This particular week, we'll be talking about Jack o’ Frost, Our Dining Table, and Naked Dining. As with everything in this season, Nini and I recorded our initial reactions to these shows either a week ago or months ago, and we're going to append our final thoughts to the end of this. So, sit back, listen to us talk about how Japan continues to demolish all of our hearts, and we'll see you on the other side.

Nini

Demolish indeed. Catch y'all on the flip.

2:01 - Jack o’ Frost

Nini

So, Jack o' Frost. Ben, what is Jack o’ Frost about?

Ben

Jack o' Frost is about a couple in about their mid-twenties that is falling apart but gets a second chance because one of them has an amnesia incident, and cannot remember anything related to their partner. The show unpacks the amnesia trope itself as a sort of perverted version of second chance romance, as a way to force the characters to examine some of the rigidity with which they've viewed their lines when it comes to other people.

We begin at a birthday party. Ikegami Fumiya—he's a salary man and he's been living with his boyfriend, Okusawa Ritsu, who is an artist or illustrator. For whatever reason he suggests they break up during this birthday party. Ritsu gets upset and leaves. Fumiya doesn't hear from him, and then the little brother calls him the next morning because he was hit in the head and seemed dazed. Over the course of the first episode we come to understand that Ritsu doesn’t remember Fumiya and anything related to him, but seems to remember everything else. 

And so we spend the next couple of episodes with Fumiya sort of hiding their original romance from Ritsu because he was maybe embarrassed about the fact that they had just broken up and thought he had a chance to get things right this time. Eventually this blows up in his face as things come out, but the two of them have to unpack what being apart means. And we end up seeing them come back together as Ritsu realizes that maybe he was also slightly at fault for some of these things. 

This show ended up being incredibly satisfying to watch. I am deeply opposed to the amnesia romance trope. It is one of the few things in BL that is almost a hard line for me because I don't like one person knowing that much more about the other one. It always makes me uncomfortable. Nini, what did you think about Jack o' Frost?

Nini

I loved it unreservedly. 

On the technical side, it hit everything that I'm looking for in a show—all four of the filmmaking markers. Like, the direction was good. The writing was good. The acting was good. The production was good. So, like, from a filmmaking standpoint it hit the mark 10 out of 10. Love the story. 

I, too, I'm generally not a fan of the amnesia romance. Let me actually take that back. It's not that I am not a fan of the amnesia romance. It's usually handled badly, and here it's handled really well. First of all, it's not soapy at all. It feels at first like Ritsu’s just foggy, like he got conked on the head. He's a little disoriented. But then as the story plays out, they're teasing out, “Oh no, he really doesn't remember Fumiya,” and, like, he thought that he would remember, and then he doesn't remember, and then it comes out that he doesn't remember. 

And then the way that they deal with that is surprisingly realistic. They go from realizing that he doesn't remember Fumiya, and then that's at the end of one episode, and then the beginning of the next episode they're at the doctor! I'm like, “Okay, yes! I think I can rock with this show!” That's just such a simple thing that so many shows that are doing the amnesia storyline do not do. 

As much as I don't agree, of course, with Fumiya's decision to withhold information from Ritsu. And the reason that he withholds that information…I understand why he felt desperate enough to make that move—the fact that it's a deliberate move, and it's clearly elucidated to the audience that it was deliberate. And why he was doing it—I think that that was important. I think normally that wouldn't have been laid out in the way that it was laid out to the audience. 

I like that you see the impetus for the breakup throughout. The first thing that you see in the show is the breakup, and you're just like, “Why is this happening like this?” And then as you go through the show, and you see Fumiya trying to re-engage with Ritsu in this idea of having a new relationship—a fresh start—but you're seeing the same things crop up in their relationship that Fumiya said were a problem when they were breaking up in the beginning. And then at the end, you come right back to seeing the entire fight and break up, then and you understand everything that happened. You understand fully why Fumiya made the decision to do what he did. You understand fully what was going on with him and Ritsu. 

The way the show is constructed…I generally don't like when shows are constructed like that—when it's kind of this mystery and you have to put together the pieces, but here it really works. I really enjoyed the acting. Honda Kyoya, who plays Ritsu is incredibly good in this. The couple play that the two actors are using is good. The intimacy between them is good. The way that the intimacy develops is good. 

You get the sense of things being new and old at the same time between the two of them, which I really like. It feels correct for the story. I really like the show. I gave it a 9.5. I dinged it half a point for reasons that we're going to get into as we discuss the show. But this is an excellent show—almost gave it a 10. 

Ben

I ended up giving this show a 10, because most of the time, for me, the question is what's the premise, what are the conceits, and then do you deliver? And the show does. It’s an amnesia romance about a couple that broke up, and all of the reasons why they broke up, why they're still being drawn back to each other—how does the amnesia fit into this? Where do other people—all this is executed really well.

Ritsu doesn't know what's going on, but Ritsu's little brother does know and he is not okay with this at all. He makes that abundantly clear to Fumiya right away, and Fumiya says, “I'm going to tell him. Just let me sort things first.” And he reluctantly agrees because the last that Shuji knew his brother was in a long-term committed relationship with a guy who seemed pretty good. And Fumiya is a pretty good dude! 

What we eventually learn is that this is likely Fumiya's first real romance in a way? Like, I get the sense that he maybe knew who he was as a queer person, but hadn't had any real meaningful connections with another person until he was with Ritsu. What happens in their relationship is they settle into a domestic life—it's going pretty well. But they're in their mid-twenties, and they're trying to pursue their professional objectives. Ritsu relies on his clientele to provide opportunities for him and this means that in a lot of ways he's always on. 

Like, some of us have had that partner who is entrepreneurial in nature, and so they have to talk to clients during personal hours all the time. And that can be really frustrating because it feels like your couple time is being given up for everyone else, and it makes you feel like maybe your partner doesn't want to be with you—they'd rather be doing this other stuff. Maybe they're bored with you? And that's often the wrong way to think about it! They're working hard because they're trying to create opportunities for both of you. They want to work so that you two can do other cool things together. And, like, the show underscores that beautifully because we learned that part of what Ritsu was doing with all this money he was getting was he had…booked a vacation for them to go back to the place where they first were intimate with each other—that they had hoped they could see during a winter season instead, so that they could do other things like use the hot tub and make a bonfire, and do some other cute stuff. That's what Ritsu had done. 

And, again, Fumiya has to come to terms with this because he was like, “We should be over!” And then he realized that Ritsu was doing all this romantic stuff for him. He and the audience is left to wonder, “What if he hadn't gotten hurt? Would Ritsu have come back and they would have maybe talked about what was going on and worked it out? Or did they need this…unusual opportunity to see each other properly?” 

Fumiya has this fight with Ritsu. After he had done a little surprise party for him, got him a really cute cake, and the two of them have a really satisfying couch bed scene. Honda Kyoya and Suzuki Kouske did a really good job there. We get this really satisfying oner from bringing the cake over, to eating the cake, to flirting with each other, to making out on the couch. That is so impressive to watch the actors, have pre-built those emotions before we started the shot, to execute that in the single take. It is so satisfying on so many different levels. 

I don't really like when intimate scenes have a lot of cuts and edits in them because there's a visceral quality to just being in the moment with the characters. I don't mind the editing when we're remembering something that happened because we edit our own memories. But when we the audience are experiencing a first time with someone I like for those to be handheld shots and long takes so that we can stay with the characters in the moment. 

What eventually happens when all of this lying comes out is they break up for very valid reasons. Like, “You lied to me,” but Ritsu's memories come back. Another reason why I forgive this show for doing amnesia: the other guy gets his memories back. And now that he's been able to reconcile what was going on, he realizes that, prior to this, he was also maybe withholding something from Fumiya. Like, he doesn't tell Fumiya that he had already known who he was for far longer, and had been holding a weird little crush on him. I don't think the two things are equal, but it forces Ritsu to have an understanding about what people are doing and why. 

Like, Fumiya did lie to him, but it was a lie because he was insecure, and no one could have predicted this would go down. He still cared about Ritsu the whole time. He just panicked because he was feeling like he was losing his boyfriend.

Nini

This is why I dinged the show that half point, because…I didn't like that the show felt like it equated Ritsu's withholding of the fact that he had met Fumiya once before. He just ran into him on the beach and he developed this little crush. He held onto that, and then he randomly saw this dude in a cafe and he recognized him. That's the quote-unquote “secret” that Ritsu is holding from Fumiya. It's not that I feel like the show equated the two, because I don't feel like the show equated the two. But they considered them too similarly for my comfort, which is why I dinged the show a half a point. But only a half a point because, in the end, does it really matter why Ritsu decides to forgive Fumiya? It doesn't to me. I am one of those people who believes in people having all the information and then deciding what they're going to do with it.

People make decisions about love all the time that don't make any sense. I am a person who really believes in love itself being a decision, and a decision that one should take with their eyes open. So, the fact that Ritsu now knows everything and he decides to forgive Fumiya and go back to him is all that I need personally. Like, you know all the information? You're good with this? You love this person, and this person loves you, and that's the way you feel? Good. Go with it. That's where I ended up, so I felt in a way—for me anyway—in the way that I conceive of love. The show didn't need that, which is why I only dinged it a half point.

Ben

So the reason why it works for me is the implication of the withheld knowledge about Ritsu having a crush on him before is that it implies that Ritsu had been holding back emotionally in their relationship. So Fumiya's uncertainty about where they stood was a little bit valid in that Ritsu hadn't put all of his cards on the table, and it left Fumiya feeling unsteady in their relationship.

Nini

If I squint I can see that, but I would have to squint.

Ben

That's okay, but like you said, like, it doesn't necessarily matter, but that's the way I ended up reconciling that. 

I liked the way everyone knew what was going on and was encouraging them even down to Ritsu's ex encouraging Ritsu to show a little more patience with Fumiya than he showed him when they were together. Now that's growth.

Nini

I loved the relationship between Ritsu and his ex. It felt very real.

Ben

[laughs]

Nini

I have exes like that! When we broke up I hated them and I never wanted to see them again and then like years later we're friends and they're just like, “Oh, please don't do this shit with this person that you did with me. Figure it out.” 

I like that his ex is like, “Yeah, I noticed that this is your boyfriend because he was glaring at me. Why did you invite me over to your house?” And then he realizes that Ritsu doesn't know that Fumiya is his boyfriend [Ben laughs] and he then he's like, “Okay I'm—I'm removing myself from this situation, but how would you go talk to this dude? I think you need to talk to this dude.”

He sees everything that's happening, and he doesn't insert himself, but he does try to gently shove Ritsu towards figuring it out for himself.

Ben

I really really appreciate how effectively the chemistry works between Suzuki and Honda here, that I genuinely believed their characters were into each other. Every single time these two characters have to do on-screen intimacy—in any way—it hits really well between, like, the flashback to the first time they, they had sex at the cabin they stayed in, to the pre-breakup makeout they had on the couch, to the gentle ways they touch each other—consider each other when they're existing in the same space together. They feel…very familiar with each other…in a way that was so satisfying for me as well.

Nini

You know I have to say it. The kissing is bad! 

Ben

I think it's fine!

Nini

The intimacy is fantastic. Like I said, the couple play, the actual skinship work that they're doing—that's all incredibly good—like, you feel the heat. But the kissing is bad.

Ben

I'm [gonna] let you have it. 

Nini

Okay. I need them to at least do more than, like, gently graze their lips against each other’s. [laughs] 

It feels silly to kvetch about that when the intimacy is so good. I felt all the things that you're supposed to feel when you're looking at the intimacy onscreen. It feels hot. It feels close. You get all the feelings you're supposed to get…It's just that the kissing is bad, from a technical standpoint.

I'm letting it slide, and it's not my intention to…bitch about this…That's just me nitpicking. The important part of the heat and the kissing and all of that is the understanding of where these two people are in their physical relationship, and I get all of that. It doesn't make me question whether they're into each other or not. It is very clear that the two characters are extremely into each other, and that they want to touch each other, and that they want to be intimate with each other, and that they want to be around each other. It's just really me nitpicking.

Ben

I really just admired this show so much because I'm always complaining that we only ever see shows about boys getting together, and I want more shows about boys staying together. And this is a show about boys staying together! Like, in a roundabout way, ‘cause they're technically cheating by doing an amnesia plot, so they're getting together again…but fundamentally, it's a show about a couple in crisis saying, “We're probably going to still be in crisis, but I'd rather be in crisis with you than lonely without you.” I just think that's really beautiful because that's the work of a long-term relationship. 

It's making the choice to choose each other constantly. Infatuation falls off. It's about trust in the long term, and that's what these two were able to finally get to with each other. Like, you have to work towards each other and decide who you want to be to each other long term, and what kind of life you want to build with each other, and that's the biggest thing that I think Ritsu hadn't really properly communicated to Fumiya, because Fumiya is like a salaryman-type. 

Like, he's reliable. He does a lot of their cooking. Like, it's clearly his apartment. He's the one making the long-term choices for them in terms of keeping them physically whole. And Ritsu as the artist, you expect him to bring a lot of more of the the life and the other aspects of this to their thing—and he does!—like that's the whole thing with uh the secret gift of the, the second trip thing is he was trying to do that, but he doesn't say these things to Fumiya. He does these things quietly. 

He does it through maybe his art sometimes, which he doesn't always show Fumiya, and he has to say these things directly because Fumiya can't just understand his way through that—which is actually kind of radical from a like, from an Eastern storytelling perspective. Like, they're very big on the whole “You should just know” thing and like it's kind of nice that this show is like, “Yeah, but he didn't. So, you should tell him.”

Nini

I take your point. I feel like a lot of the time, there's this idea that you're doing all these things—people should just know. And no, people don't know. You have to say the thing, and I like that more romance is leaning towards saying the things.

Ben

The show is good! Like let let's let's let's be clear! This show is very good! [laughs] And it surprised us! Like I was not expecting this show to be good. 

Nini

I’m very, very glad that I watched this. LIke I said, Jack o’ Frost was a 9.5 out of 10 for me, and my ding was really a me thing. But this is a 10 show. I can acknowledge that this is a 10 show.

We're in the business of recommending, which I sometimes am—I would recommend Jack o’ Frost. I think it handles a subject that I usually do not enjoy in a way that I did enjoy. The filmmaking is excellent. I had a note in my notes about how much fun the set designer and set dressers must have had on the show. 

Ben

They definitely did, because they must have had fun dressing up that apartment.

Nini

That apartment looks like they had so much fun designing and dressing that. 

Ben

We're not necessarily the best set design analysis people. So, if some of you are very good at picking out these things in the set design, I would love to read your posts about that! Please send them to us because there's a lot to pick apart in the background of this whole show.

Nini

Ritsu’s desk alone. There's a shot in particular over Ritsu's desk that I just want to pause and look at it. The show is gorgeous. It's really well done. Go have a look-see if you haven't looked at it already.

Ben

It's a good show! I can't recommend this show enough! Y'all should really go out and watch it.

23:40 - Our Dining Table (Bokura no Shokutaku)

Nini

Our Dining Table. Ben, what is Our Dining Table about?

Ben

Our Dining Table is about two 23 year-old men meeting each other at a very turbulent time in their lives, bonding over their shared affection for one of the guy's little brother, and then learning to better take care of themselves and each other by learning to cook more together. 

We meet our protagonist, Hozumi Yutaka, played by Inukai Atsuhiro, as he's working for an architecture firm, and he eats sort of the same lunch every day on a park bench outside, and about a seven-ish year old boy walks up to him who's very precocious. Asks him about his rice ball, and asks if he can have it. Yutaka doesn't really know what to do with this but the young boy, whose name is Tane, his brother Minoru runs up, apologizes for the brazenness of his brother. And the next day when they come to apologize, the little boy asks if he can come over to teach them how to make the rice balls because his brother does a terrible job with it. 

What starts as a simple hangout with these two brothers, one who's 23 and out of school, the other who's 7 and very precocious, becomes this incredibly lovely friendship that starts to boil very slowly into a romance, and very much becomes a story about what it means to choose your family, whether you were born into them or not. 

It's a truly lovely little production and is probably one of the most wholesome things we've watched this year.

Nini

I…loved it. It’s so layered. It is about all the things that Ben is saying it's about. Finding family, choosing family. It's about learning to let go in some ways of things that happened to you in your past, but it's also a retrospective on grief. Because the reason that Minoru is taking care of Tane is that his mom died. And when his mom died, his life just kind of stopped for a bit, and he is now taking care of his little brother so that his dad can work and support them. 

Yutaka is…stunted from things that have happened in his childhood that we later discover are things that he held onto—some things that he misinterpreted, some things that he interpreted correctly, but also didn't let go of. And over the course of the story, he learns to let go of some of these things. There are things about meeting Minoru and Tane and their dad—the Ueda family—that give Yutaka the strength to face certain things about his past. And that leads to him reconciling in a way with his adoptive family. It leads to him finding this new family in the Uedas. 

It's something else, and it's so well made. Production, direction, acting, writing. Top tier. Top tier stuff. I had an ache in my chest watching this show, and that ache was simultaneously happy and sad.

Ben

I know what you're talking about. Both Yutaka…and Minoru…are carrying around a great deal of grief and there's a lot on them. We learn that Yutaka is adopted in the family he's part of because his original parents passed away, and he had a very difficult time when he first moved into the Hozumi household. They recontextualized some of this later to show that maybe Yutaka took certain things a little too hard, but Yutaka's very emotionally stunted by these sort of things. He doesn't really develop a whole lot of friends and he's kind of a loner. 

One of the things that's interesting is he can make rice balls, but he doesn't actually cook a lot of complex and diverse foods that often. It's his desire to…befriend this family that actually brings out a lot of his cooking skills, because he has a natural knack for some of it because he's read some stuff. But it's fun watching him learn how to do things along the way, and it's fun seeing a budding friendship/relationship make someone more sociable with other people in their lives. 

Like, this is classic romance. I eat this shit up every time. 

Yutaka’s really not that engaged with other colleagues at work. When he impulsively agrees to make bentos for the boys before they go out to the zoo one day, he ends up asking his co-worker—who's been wanting to befriend him for a while—to teach him how to make a bento. One of the lovely parts of that is he messes up quite a few times—he ends up practicing making the bento every day almost for weeks and getting feedback from his coworker until he can do it right. And that, for me, is just such a lovely moment. Yutaka is new to trying to cook consistently for other people, and I like that Minoru also picks up more food skills along the way. There's a lot of “food is love” stuff that's done very well in this. 

Minoru tries to make sure that he can make the dishes that he remembers his mom making for him because he doesn't want his little brother to not also have a fond memory of those dishes as well, and that's really, really beautiful. 

There's just a really…almost understated way that this show allows its characters to express affection. Very early in the show, Minoru is clearly-taken with Yutaka. Iijima is giving just absolutely enamored smiles at Inukai the entire time, and it is so convincing. 

We get to this really interesting misunderstanding that felt super queer in about the late middle of the show, where in a very sort of…intimate moment, Minoru…kisses Yutaka on the cheek, but then feels like he overstepped, and Yutaka's not very good at expressing his feelings so he's just kind of silent about it. Then they meet up to talk about it, and Minoru misreads Yutaka's…silence for…anxiety or embarrassment, and essentially breaks up with Yutaka? 

That felt super queer to me. You don't know if people are going to be receptive to what might be a huge change in their lives, and so you prepare yourself for the disappointment. I talked about this once before—or multiple times on this podcast—about the way internalized homophobia really demolishes your brain and blinds you to maybe what's happening in front of you, and I was not expecting this very heartfelt little cooking show to delve very directly into that.

Nini

I don't have anything in my show notes for this show, because I literally watched it just sighing at the screen. Everything was so well observed, everything felt so real. Everything was very gentle. The show is extremely gentle. Nothing feels harsh–not the grief, not when there's any kind of anger, when there's confusion or sadness—none of it feels harsh. It's all very gently done. The show treats the characters incredibly gently. The show brings the characters together incredibly gently. The show has a lot of heart. It feels kind of like eating warm soup on a cold day. 

[Nini laughs]

I'm not always able to be verbose or coherent about the shows like those, because they just bypass the brain and they go straight into my heart. It's not always easy to talk about them when they do that.

Ben

I have a question for you, then. 

Nini

Okay.

Ben

We learned from some of our friends…that the conversation that happens in the Hozumi household, revealing that Yutaka’s adoptive brother was trying to take care of him, was added for the show. How do you feel about that inclusion, and do you think it's better to have given us those insights into the Hozumi family?

Nini

It doesn't seem like this is a reversal of anything, just a deepening. I like…that Yutaka is—not wrong—because he's not wrong about the things that he experienced when he first joined the Hozumi household. His brother Yuki was quite mean to him, but that is reframed a little bit as him being maybe a little jealous. 

It's that thing when a new kid comes into the family. Usually this happens when kids are younger but he was a little bit of a shit about Yutaka joining their family, and the parents weren't very proactive in ensuring that that was shut down. So, it's the first impression that Yutaka has of Yuki, and it has stuck through everything. It stuck to the point where it made him mentally erase the ways in which Yuki was good to him subsequent to that, which I found super realistic in terms of how memory works.

Yutaka sort of went into his shell after that initial hostility. That changed him. It altered him, and he didn't really come back out of that shell until he met the Uedas. They kind of gave him the courage to go back to his family—because he's been avoiding his family. The impression is that he's been avoiding his family since he left the nest. Probably since he went to college. Probably still while he was living in the house.

He held onto his hurts. He misunderstood attempts to pull him back out and nobody really knew what to do, so they just kind of let it sit and it festered a little bit. Because he's now gained the courage to go back into the house and see his family again, he is rewarded for that courage by having these things reframed for him to understand that: yes, his family does actually love him. Yes, they want him to be an integral and active part of them. I like it.

A lot of people I know didn't like it because they think that it's a redemption for the family, or it undercuts Yutaka's pain. I don't think that it undercuts Yutaka’s pain. I actually think that it makes it more tragic in certain ways. That over the years they couldn't resolve this, but also makes it more satisfying that he finally was able to resolve this. There is a sense of relief that you get watching Yutaka make peace with, and in some ways, return to his adoptive family. That was really lovely. I quite enjoyed that.

Ben

I really liked it because I don't think Yutaka can be a good member of the Ueda family without…gaining some sort of closure with how he felt about how he joined the Hozumi family. 

I don't think it's about redemption for anyone or forgiving anyone. It's about Yutaka appreciating that love itself is not straightforward. It was about him recognizing that, yeah, his adoptive older brother is a little stiff, and maybe they'll never really be close, but they're also not enemies. And it allowed him to see that the Hozumis may not necessarily give him the affection that maybe he wanted directly, but they do genuinely care about him and his well-being and sincerely consider him a member of their family. 

And that's something that Yutaka has to process and accept, and it's that realization that people have been trying to pour love on him his whole life that finally kicks him out of his freeze response to Minoru expressing affection for him directly. That allows the two of them to finally cross a threshold and start to be something more to each other. 

Speaking of which! I really love the way Iijima played Minoru as somebody who was clearly aware of his own queerness. That was kind of understated in his performance, but he was clearly familiar with the fact that he was bisexual.

Nini

That sort of comes to light when his ex-girlfriend comes to see him. The way that he is with her—and it's on multiple levels. It's the level of: He left school when his mother died to help take care of Tane, and here's this person who he clearly has some kind of history with coming to find him and being like, “Look, how long are you going to do this?” But it's like she doesn't understand him at all, and it feels like she doesn't understand him on multiple levels. 

She doesn't understand him on the familial level of why he would put his life on hold to take care of Tane, and she doesn't understand him probably on the queer level as well. Because she's here aggressively trying to make her play, and he’s having a whole other relationship basically. The way that he shrinks with her I found very effective. 

Ben

IijIma is very, very good, and he does so much with his physicality in this show.

Nini

You can see the affection towards Tane and the kind of joking relationship he has with his dad. You can see when Minoru starts to fall for Yutaka, and you can see how he gradually is falling deeper and deeper and it's really all through the body language. There is work in the facial expressions and all of that, yes—both the micro expressions and the bigger ones—but the body language really. He starts turning his entire body more towards Yutaka when he talks to him. He sits closer to him when they're eating. There's a lot of, like, little things, some of which are probably in the direction, but also some which are just in Iijima’s physicality in playing the role. I really enjoyed watching him do that. 

Speaking of the physicality of the role, the actor I, think his name is Kuuga who plays Tane?

Ben

His name is Maeyama Kuuga.

Nini

Such a delight! Such a delight. So lovely. That kid is going places. He's perfect!

[Ben laughs]

He works perfectly. No notes.

Ben

I saw an interview with Inukai and Iijima, where they talked about how, because they had to do a lot of long takes because Japanese cinema has a very strong stage tradition. There was a lot of necessary improvisation. 

Maeyama Kuuga does a great job, but he's still a kid and he's going to stumble over his bits a little and they're going to have to work around him to make sure that the goal of the scene is accomplished, and there's a lot of giving Maeyama an understanding of what they're trying to do and why they're trying to do it so that he's invested in trying to do it, and playing around what he's going to give them. And it was very clear that he had a good time while working on this. 

You mentioned the direction. As Tane gets closer to Yutaka, he starts to sit closer to him when they're having their meals together. Like, you mentioned the lunch with the ex-girlfriend. She was super rude to Tane when he spilled some juice on her or whatever, but later in the same episode he spills some juice on Yutaka, and Minoru starts to worry that Yutaka will also get mad, but Yutaka was only concerned that Tane might have hurt himself and immediately gets up and it's like, “It's okay, we can just change clothes.” 

Yutaka is treating Tane in a gentle way that he wishes that he had been treated when he was younger and that extends to the way he also treats Minoru, because Minoru's relationship with his little brother is important. You can't just…start a romance with someone who's filling a parental responsibility if you're not also prepared to participate in some parental responsibilities. Whether Yutaka understood that consciously or not he adapted very quickly to it. 

It's funny because Tane is the reason that they know each other, so this isn't something that he, like, met Minoru. They thought each other were cute, and then he's like, “I guess I'll deal with the kid.” Like, he's here because the kid asked him to be here originally, not the brother.

Nini

Tane brought him into things. Tane was so insistent that Yutaka be part of this that Minoru actually started looking at him. We got, of course, backstory later in the show that…Minoru had run into Yutaka once before even though he didn't remember it. Tane has, I guess, kept bringing Yutaka back to Minoru at different points in time, I guess? 

Ben

Beautiful. I love it.

Nini

It's really super sweet. The the first time it happened, which was around the time that their mom died. The whole interaction between Yutaka and Tane then, which Minoru didn't remember until later, actually helped start pull Minoru out of the immediate grief of his mother's death to the point where now he's at a place where it's more manageable. And then he meets Yutaka again. He’s still got Tane, he’s really stressed out. And he calms down almost when Yutaka comes into their lives, because he is incredibly frazzled and flustered when Tane first interacts with Yutaka. 

And then over the course of all these dinners and weekends and whatever that they're spending together, you see him calm right down even when Tane is throwing tantrums, even when there's a lot of stressy stuff going on—Tane’s not well, Tane’s this, Tane’s that. He's more calm even when more stressful things are happening because Yutaka’s there. 

And then in comes Ueda-san just to seal the deal! He is one of the best dads that we've seen in all of BL.

Ben

I love Ueda Koji so much, oh my God. He literally picked his son up by the scruff and threw him out of the house and was like, “Go find Yutaka and fix it! [Nini laughs] Right now!” I loved it.

Nini

It was so funny, and you're the one who pointed out—because I hadn't even realized—that every time they cook, they never leave any food for Ueda-san.

Ben

They never do! [laughs]

Nini

[laughs] It's so terrible! And he's always so nice about it! He's always like, “Aw, shucks!”

Ben

I really like that one of the core themes of this show is: “Love is hard, and love does not come without the risk of loss. You will experience loss by loving some people, but you still have to love them regardless because it's what makes life worth living.”

Nini

I do like that they didn't end the show on Minoru and Yutaka getting together. They went a step beyond that because Minoru and Yutaka… This is not going to be some kind of happily ever after from them. They're both unlearning so much, and there are going to be stumbles, which is why I like the show going past the “we're together now” moment into Yutaka directly tackling his fear of loss, and beyond that into the special about some of the misunderstandings because these boys are not the best communicators—even though they're learning and trying. I really like that we sort of got a step into how their relationship is going to function and the things that they're going to learn being in a relationship with each other because you know you and I are the “tell us how these boys stay together” people and [laughs] I feel like we got a little bit of an insight into that by the end of the show.

Ben

I really liked that Minoru is going back to school, and I like that a big part of it is…he wants to stand beside Yutaka because Yutaka is a working adult. I like that in so many ways, like, leaving school when his mom died was a part of his grief. And, like, going back to school in so many ways communicates that he's finally come to terms with it and can focus on his own goals again. Which is interesting because, like, the ex-girlfriend—it's what she wanted for him, but she was kind of selfish about it. 

I also like that we're still seeing them developing at the end. Like, this show isn't “and then they lived happily ever after.” I like that we're leaving them at the beginning of what feels like something that can really work that they're still figuring out. 

Nini

Overall, this is a 10 show. Ben, is this a 10 show for you?

Ben

Oh, absolutely! Like, no questions about it. Go watch it. I'll be watching it again. 

48:00 - Naked Dining (Zenra Meshi)

Nini

And now Naked Dining—Zenra Meshi. Ben, what is Naked Dining about?

Ben

A Japanese salary man who secretly overperforms at work who, about six months after his grandmother dies, receives some time-delayed mail from her encouraging him to head back to his hometown and take care of some things at her house. While there he runs into a young man who was a friend of his grandmother's who has been taking care of the house. After going through some of her things, he decides he wants to complete the culinary journey she had taken herself on. As she had gotten older and sick, she decided to do a last form of maybe, like, international travel by preparing foods from other cultures using the appropriate ingredients, and this young man—who works at a grocery store—was helping acquire these ingredients for her.

The two of them start hanging out on Saturdays to follow through on her path, and it becomes a really interesting examination of some ideas about different parts of the wider LGBT acronym…? Gets a little muddled towards the end unfortunately, but I guess we'll get into that here in a second. 

But basically it's a Japanese food BL we had a mostly decent time with until the end.

Nini

I feel like it had a lot of ideas…and it cycled through them just one after the other—just idea after idea after idea—but none of the ideas are really taken through to a conclusion. None is really a through line through the whole show. It's not that none of them emotionally land because they absolutely emotionally land, but they also feel like you don't get to sit with any of the feelings that you have about anything that happens because the show was then sort of onto the next idea and onto the next idea

I was just kind of left with a, “Oh, well that was interesting and you know, helpful…But what happened to this? It just went away?”

Ben

I feel like two or three different show pitches were being merged in this.

They have this whole conceit with the naked dining. So Souta has this thing where every day when he goes home after secretly overworking he makes himself a bowl of ramen, and then he strips off his clothes to enjoy his food without anything in the way. At first this was kind of a cool idea for me that your clothes are a costume, and you're wearing the salary man persona when you leave the house. Food is one of the few tangible joys he has in his life, and so he's stripping off this costume so he can be closer to the food, but I feel like the show never interrogates the emotional core of why he does this? 

And then it ends with he and Mahiro doing it together…and it just feels unearned as a shortcut to say “well they fucked.” 

Nini

I understand the, the concept of Mahiro accepting that part of Souta, but the thing I didn't get that maybe I wanted to understand is why Mahiro might find that idea appealing. When it comes to the two characters, I feel like I have a really good handle on Souta. I feel like I understand his thought processes and his motivations, and I feel like I am emotionally connected to Souta. Mahiro is a little more, like, slippery for me.

Mahiro just feels…sad…and, like, he's been nursing this crush forever…but I don't have a sense of who Mahiro is outside of the way that he feels about Souta.

Ben

Souta was really kind to him when he was a teenager, and he fell for Souta, but Souta didn't even see him that way at all. And it seemed like it twisted around whatever sort of other personal struggles he was having at that time and, like, get fucked with his own sense of worthiness and he just really never recovers from it. 

I got frustrated because around episode like 7 or 8. Mahiro kisses Souta when he's sleeping. Souta is confused because he's feeling things from Mahiro and asks him—kind of innocently—if they can kiss again because he's trying to understand how he's feeling. Like, “You kissed me, can I kiss you back to see what's going on?" and Mahiro gets upset because he doesn't want Souta to kiss him if Souta can't kiss him like he likes him. Which, fine. I get that. I tell boys all the time, “Don't flirt with me unless you mean it.” But I didn't think that was fair because he had initiated things with Souta, and that was one of the big struggles on the back end—like, even down to the final episode. 

So they've gone on this huge arc.They’ve been cooking these foods together. Souta’s finally figuring himself out. Souta’s female coworker…showed up to Mahiro and was like, “Of course, you know this means war,” and she puts on her eye black—

[both laugh]

—and they're going at it trying to fight for Souta's affections or whatever. Great. Amazing stuff.

And, like, she accepts her defeat as gracefully as she can. I did not hate this character—she got on my nerves a little bit—but she treated Mahiro like a true romantic rival, and I got mad respect for that. 

Souta is called away for work. And this show does some New Siwaj bullshit to us by, like, giving us a flashback to high school to be like, “Once! In high school! He said to his homies that he wants to connect Japan to the rest of the world! Which means that now that he's gotten a job in Singapore! He's never coming back!” 

And it's, like, you guys are in, like, a real relationship here. You guys have gone through all of the things! And then Souta comes back and is like, “I've made a decision without you! I'm going to stay in Japan!” Like okay, whatever. 

And Mahiro's, like, mad about this! And Souta has to grab him to keep him from running away again, and I was like, “God damn, bro, we have eight minutes left in this show!”

Nini

I don't know whether they felt like they needed to fill time or—I don't know what it was—but the plot really got tortured, like… You're right that it feels a little New Siwaj-y, because the show is going along pretty well—slow start! Yeah, it gets to the middle, and there are these really good ideas that are building up here. And then…somewhere around the time that Souta asks Mahiro if he can kiss him things just kind of, like, fizzle?

It felt like they wrote eight episodes worth of stuff and had to stretch it to fit 12.

Ben

It feels like there were 12 recipes, and they really, really wanted to make sure that each recipe had its own episode. This was also a little bit frustrating for me because I don't always feel like the food of the episode matched with the tone that was going on.

Nini

I feel like the food didn't fit at all! I also wasn't sure what the theme of each episode was because it wasn't always clear.

Ben

There's a little bit of an idea with the food, like, the dishes get more complex over time, and Souta, who doesn't have a whole lot of kitchen skills, is picking some up along the way. This was actually really good and I really enjoyed this. I liked that by the end Souta was able to cook along with Mahiro even if there were still new techniques for him to pick up. That was incredibly satisfying. The way that the cooking itself feels is used well in the show but, like, the specific dishes don't always feel like they resonate for the episode—and that's the problem! I can't remember any of the specific dishes they made, which is kind of frustrating for me in a show that was so much about the food. 

Nini

I think I'm not accustomed to Japanese drama being this slack. That's the best word I can use to describe it. It feels slack. It feels like there's way too much room in it somehow…and they're just kind of ambling around within the drama.

I haven't seen a Japanese drama that feels this purposeless.

Ben

And that's, I think, the heart of it. With most Japanese dramas I know if I care about it almost instantly like they usually set up a really solid premise, and part of what ended up really frustrating me with this show is I feel like the “naked dining” as part of the core premise is deeply undercooked and doesn't develop into something really interesting. Like they were so close! 

As a result it ends up kind of feeling weirdly flat by the time we get to the end. 

Nini

You know what I feel? This is gonna sound real weird but follow me on this. I think that this kind of story, that the story—these stories that they wanted to tell—would have worked better as an anthology or something where they were following multiple couples.

Ben

I agree…and I feel like they could have focused on the role of the dish a lot more.

Nini

This feels like it was originally like a Midnight Diner or a Three Star Bar in Nishi Ogikubo, and I feel like the if it was gonna be 12 episodes, and it was gonna be focused around what it's focused around, because they really seemed to want to focus it around these recipes, they needed to use up the room. And one of the ways that they could have used up the room, with even some of the same writing and some of the same stories they wanted to tell, would be to separate those stories up over multiple individuals or multiple couples.

And I feel like the show kind of had the right elements for it as well because one of the best episodes of the show is the episode where they have to have the anniversary party for the boss at work. It just feels like the strongest episodes are when they actually pulled somebody else in, like when they did the Taiwanese hot pot with Ryu. 

Ben

Great episode.

Nini

I think what happened at the back end of the show is that it spent way too much time with just Souta and Mahiro.

Ben

You're correct. Like, the two episodes you highlighted: the episode where they cook for the boss, and the episode where they hang out with Ryu, are interesting because when they're around other people, they naturally start to turn into a little bit of a team. It's why the Ryu hotpot episode works so well because they're being super awkward with each other. We can feel that their dynamic is struggling and Ryu is like, “I'm going to fix these gays, and then I'm going to go to sleep.” The perfect elder gay.

[Nini laughs]

Nini

And I love that and he really did try! And then Mahiro’s bullshit got in the way.

Ben

Like that—that's the whole show! Like things were going well and then Mahiro's bullshit got in the way and we don't even know why.

Nini

Mahiro, I understand why you're afraid of this, right? But you kissed the man, and he's literally standing there like, “Can we try this again?”

Ben

Take responsibility for what you did!

Nini

And you're just like… “Naw.”

There were times honestly, when I just wanted to yell at Mahiro “Shit or get off the motherfucking pot already. I'm so tired of you.” [laughs] I got tired of Mahiro! And then I started feeling bad for my man Souta, because he was trying! 

He was trying so hard. He was trying hard to be honest, he was trying hard to be open. He was trying really hard to understand himself because he didn't want to dick Mahiro around because he cared about him. So he is literally trying to work so much of the shit out by himself and only coming to Mahiro when he couldn't work shit out on his own anymore and he needed to work it out with the person that he's feeling all these things about—which is normal! And understandable! 

And Mahiro treated him like he had kicked his dog. I got so frustrated with Mahiro. I just really did. And the thing is I understand! Okay, yes, you're scared. Okay, fine. Get it. But I'm still frustrated with you, man. 

[sighs] Anyway, all that to say: Ben gave it an 8. I gave it a 7.

I had a very visceral and personal reaction to certain parts of this show and then the rest of the show let me down, so I feel more disappointed by it than Ben does I think. Which is why, for me, it's a 7.

Ben

I think, like, having sat here for the last 40 minutes unpacking it, I'm probably going to lower to 7, and it becomes a 7 because it has “failure to execute the core premise stuff,” and I feel like that's a big thing for me. Like, if you at least complete the core premise, but just stumble around it, you can get an 8. And I don't think this show really completes the core premise. So I think this is gonna be a 7 for us. So that's a chop unfortunately.

1:02:50 - The J-BL Victory Lap and the Food BL Flop

Ben

All right! We're back for the outro! We watched Jack o’ Frost, Our Dining Table, and Naked Dining. All right, panel! Tens or chops? Jack o’ Frost, Nini! 

Nini

[laughs] 10.

Ben

10 for me!

Our Dining Table!

Nini

10.

Ben

10 for me!

Naked Dining?

Nini

Chop.

Ben

Two chops! [Slaps desk and laughs]

Nini

So, where does that leave you feeling about Japan and Japanese BL drama, and where does that leave you feeling about food drama?

Ben

Oh, interesting. For Japanese dramas…I feel…good. I have a lot to feel good about, though. 

So, Jack o’ Frost completed the MBS Drama Shower Year One set of outings, which I mostly really enjoyed. Drama Shower 2 has started. We get a whole ‘nother the year of MBS content. I feel great! 

Our Dining Table—I do not know what that particular network is going to do next. 

And even though Naked Dining wasn't great per se there were good elements in it. So, like, it's not saying “This is horrible. Goodbye. Boo.” Like, even though: two chops. 

I'm feeling good about Japanese BL in general. 

For food drama, I gotta be honest. I'm a little concerned because as much as I loved Our Dining Table I feel like they lost touch with the food thing in the last, like, third of the show as we got really caught up in the romantic stuff—and it's fine. That took precedence at that portion. But I don't really feel like we finished strong on a food portion of the show the way we open strong with food. Only real minor knock I gave that show—not enough for me to take a point from it.

Nini

I mean Ben's the big J-BL person. Like, Ben's had to sort of shivvy me into a lot of J-BL, and I have not regretted it to be fair to him. I'm feeling pretty good about J-BL. I feel like J-BL gives me what K-BL would like to give me, which is contained stories like with high production value and low runtime. But somehow they managed to grab my emotions in a way that K-BL has very seldom managed to do at this point.

Ben

There's a specificity to what the Japanese story wants to unpack that I don't think that any of the Korean projects has properly honed in on. Thing for me with Japan is…up until Naked Dining, I had never once felt like my time was being wasted, and that's not something I can say about any of the other countries.

Nini

They're just the granddaddy, man, aren't they? Like, they built this shit. And what they're doing now feels a little bit like…coming into the room and putting your dick on the table.

[laughs]

Because what we do know is coming out of Japan the rest of this year right now is sequels. Like, they have done so much good shit. They can just come back to us and say, “Yeah, more of that!” 

[Ben laughs]

—and everybody's like yes, please! You know what I mean? It feels a little bit like Japan is taking a victory lap right now and I gotta say it's well deserved.

Ben

That's a really interesting observation I hadn't considered: that the presence of sequels is a statement about how strong their work is.

Nini

I mean look at what's coming up. Minato’s Laundromat 2. I didn't watch Minato’s Laundromat, but everybody seems to be excited about it. We got Utsukushii Kare 2 already this year and the movie Utsukushii Kare: Eternal. We got the Cherry Magic Movie. This is gonna be the fourth like return to What Did You Eat Yesterday? because you had the original, you had the special, you had the movie. This is the fourth return to What Did You Eat Yesterday? They're coming back to She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat like.

Ben

MBS liked BL enough that they decided to renew the slot for another year and the first offering’s pretty strong. Like, real shit, y'all, if you—you're gonna be hearing this a little late, I think, so Tokyo in April is… may have finished by the time you hear this.

Nini

We're gonna be talking about that in the fall. Japan really does feel like it's taking a victory lap right now. Like even with its original content. It's all like light work. 

In terms of what J-BL is doing, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling the J-BL, Ben.

Ben

Is it hittin’ for you?

Nini

It’s hittin’. It’s hittin’. It’s hittin’.

And then in terms of what food BL is doing. Look, I don't know, I feel like food BL is kind of all over the map—that very few people are really clear about what they want to say using food. I feel in general, the food BLs are kinda “hmmm,” and this is not just Japan, because they've been trying them in Korea, they've been trying them in Thailand, and none of those have really hit. I don't know how I feel about these food stories because I don't know that the people who are making them know what they want to say. 

So, J-BL: 10. Food BL right now: mostly chop.

Ben

HA! Two chops!

[both laugh]

Nini

Anyway, that is going to wrap us up on Comfort Food. We out! Say bye to the people, Ben.

Ben

Peace!

[canarymemories]

hi finally compiling the thread i made the other day on twt abt the first chapter of recital so. welcome to me having far too much to say about my big bang fic skgh

chapter titling is similar to symphony (leo day fic) but instead of music terms, it's ballet terms. i'm nowhere near as used to ballet terms as i am w music terms so they won't have a deeper meaning (at least not on purpose lmao) like some of the symphony chapter titles do, but that's part of why there's nine chapters

a small aside: there is a specific structure i have in mind for the fic. there will be three arcs (if u want to call them that), the first three chapters is the first arc and then there will be an intermission chapter (up to this point is as far as i've confidently planned out so past this point, i can't guarantee anything but. nine chapters is the goal adkgsh). so then chapter 4 and 5 are arc two followed up by another intermission, then the final arc will be chapters 8 and 9. the plan is to stay mostly canon compliant until i don't agree w akira (or kinosei aslkhg), so i'll pretty much be sticking to the canon timeline

please listen to the playlist akdhg most of the songs do correspond to specific things/chapters so it's tied to the story itself plus i've listened to it too many times so. please tell me i'm so right about it 😔 the song i used in the summary of the first chapter is more of a chapter 2 song but i felt like it fit for the first chapter so adkgh (i have. So Many songs for checkmate so. can't wait for that one lmao) (chapter 1 songs are the first four in the playlist, the 5th one could go either way between ch 1 and 2) once more is posted, then i might actually sit here and go on abt why each of these songs is specifically here

writing choices 🎉 the one i want to talk about so so so so bad is the using nicknames in the narration bc if you've read literally anything else i've posted, you'd see that i don't do that, but bc recital is so close to izumi as the narrator, and this chapter is focused on his childhood, i thought it was fitting. there are a few instances of this changing throughout the chapter, such as makoto going from yuukun to makoto in the one flashback section and then staying as makoto when izumi is older, naru eventually changes to arashi.

and the one i really want to bring up,,, izumi's parents are always referred to as mama and papa but there is one singular instance where that's changed and that's during the argument at the end of the chapter.

and then she's referred to as mama again a few paragraphs later and this just goes into the point that i think izumi has a very complicated relationship with his parents. on one hand, they don't support him as an idol and have quite literally told him to his face that he's not successful enough to make it on his own as a model (next door), have treated him more like a doll than their child and they couldn't be bothered to actually ask him what he was interested in, but he still cares about them. he gets offended on their behalf more than once (in ! era at least), but it's just,, complicated. i feel like i can't really properly explain my thoughts here but i have Thoughts. but this is where the vaguely toxic parenting warning comes in from this chapter because the thing is, i don't think his parents were planning for him to feel the way he does about their parenting, they do love him and they do want to have him succeed just. maybe not for the right reasons, yk? ofc that doesn't justify their treatment of him or anything like that, there's just more to it than outright toxic parenting hence why it's subtle here.

what's a little less subtle is izumi's mom living vicariously through him, it's a bit more obvious with the modeling bit than the dance classes but idk it makes sense to me for her to have done them as a child too

baby modelgumi,,, they get their own point here bc i think those might've been my favorite bits to write and genuinely, the baby arashi bit is my favorite part of the whole chapter. they're just so alsdkgh oeugh cute i want to squeeze them in my hands 🥺🥺🥺. my note for this on my list of things to talk about is literally "baby modelgumi :pleading:" they hold a special place in my head and i hope in urs too

i was going to list stories reference but i might wait until i have more done and posted for that (plus i can't remember what story it is that arashi mentions izumi pushed her mouth into a smile as kids) but. portrait and canary hall mentions 🎉🎉

the argument. it's implied a few times in ! that izumi's parents don't really agree with him being an idol (leo says izumi was having isses at home around checkmate/war era). given that they put so much time and effort into having izumi model, i suppose that wouldn't be too surprising, but i think it's important to have some kind of breaking point like the argument scene bc in next door, izumi talks about how his parents treated him growing up and that just makes me think that he probably didn't have much say in his own life and there's just something about being an idol being his first big decision that idk hits a little different and there is more to an extent on this concept in the next chapter in comparing himself to leo and just kind of being like ,, huh...

last thing, so aside from the ending of the beginning section of the chapter, i feel so smart about the ending line of this chapter bc mama's pancakes come up in portrait and there's even a baby izumi homescreen line about it and it's meant to serve as an apology rather than her actually apologizing but i feel like u could take it a few ways but akhg felt so smart when i came up w the ending of the chapter. and i felt the same way when i thought of the first chapter ending and u guys will not like me for that one btu aksdgh <33

baby's first friendship next time 🎉🎉🎉🎉

[gontagokuhara]

WAIT WAIT WAIT BEFORE THE UPDATE HITS CAN YOU EXPLAIN THE MAKOTO AND JUNKO "LORE" BECAUSEEE💀💀 EVAN CAPTORVATING MADE THE JOKE(?) TOO AND I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS 💀💀💀 LIKE WYDMM

OKAY ISTG THIS IS MY LAST "LORE ME UP" ASK BC I CANNOT KEEP CONSUMING YOUR CONTENT W/O GIVING YOU MY MONEY FOR IT I LITERALLY NEED YOUR COMMISSIONS TO OPEN BUT IM WAITUNG UNTIL THE END OF POINTY OBJECTS💀🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 (there's not a flag to wave for the pointy objects nation so I'm just waving the gay flag it's basically the same thing)

THIS MADE ME GIGGLE SO BAD IN THE MIDDLE OF WORK HELP 😭😭😭 oh i’m so excited for this chapter to go up EXPLANATIONS BELOW ‼️

ok. so. generally i’ve had the finer plot details of pointy objects nailed down and mostly unchanging though i Will add or go into more detail on certain things if i get the inspiration. so like pointy objects is Locked In. but sometimes the opportunity for shenanigans presents itself (and evan beckons me successfully to the dark side)

he is my Kokichi Correspondent but as the previously posted chapter makes abundantly clear. there’s another character that evan is a Knower Of that i humbly request his massive brain’s opinions on. enter junko enoshima. i will have very much more to say AFTER chapter twenty-seven goes up but for the sake of addressing the messy ex naejunko allegations:

…it started as a joke. still Mostly is one. but i have spent HOURS in recent months watching and listening and playing junko’s voice lines over the course of the series to get a Feel for her and her preoccupation with makoto intrigued me. evan’s art of the two of them cosplaying as their rival ocs also tipped me in this direction. they’re just so sillayyyyy makoto wants to fix her and junko wants to make her worse and they kiss about it until they start slap-fighting. it’s deeply unserious to me and i love it

so in terms of pointy objects: this is of the more Open-ended things, and i’m thinking the next couple chapters will allow people to come to their own conclusions. i, personally, think it’s very funny and silly to imagine po!naejunko are very, VERY distant exes who still have some major tension. i also think joking about all of the big five being messy whores and passing makoto around like a blunt (<- creds to evan for this one) is SUPER funny. it is equally acceptable to me to 1) consider this canon thousands of years in the past or 2) ignore this entirely and think of them how you see them presented in the text of pointy objects itself. MUCH more can be said on this next time <3

which i DO ENCOURAGE (though do not pressure) ALWAYS AND FOREVER i am obsessed with this fic. these characters this lore the story Etc Etc. its my baby in the same (if not more intense) way that my first big hitter fic ‘jump’ is. and if given the chance i will talk about it forever so comments/asks/questions/theories about pointy objects always make my day i love people being invested in something i am really proud of and love very deeply

so cider SNIFFS!!!!! i’ve told u over and over how grateful i am for you and your support and your engagement and all around loveliness and you are not even the first person to bring up paying for pointy objects and it makes me WEEP EVERY TIME!!!!! I’VE BEEN SOOOOO NEGLIGENT OF COMMISSIONS I WANT TO SO BAD I’VE JUST BEEN BUSY AND KEPT PUTTING IT OFF 💔💔💔 i snuck this into my faq a little while ago but to Anyone interested commission-wise in the meantime while i get my shit together. dm me 😏 i do need to get commission info finalized and OUT it’s not even funny. inshallah it will happen eventually

[snail-speed]

Chapter 1 Secret

(Big thanks to Stichez and Shadowking over at the TFH Discord server for bringing this to my attention. I didn't discover this by any means, I'm just documenting it in full!)

At the Reine City Museum, one of the art exhibit rooms has a particular painting:

Inspecting it nets you this dialogue:

This is the first step towards a secret that spans the majority of Chapter 1, however, it's just the only one for a hot while.

It isn't until the Foggy Mountaintops part of Chapter 1 that we stumble across the second second step. Exploring the maze eventually gets you to this old tree:

Interacting with the tree nets you this flavor text:

Interacting with the tree again makes Arizona repeat the last line, however, to activate the second step you MUST keep interacting with the tree, until finally this pops out:

This script is called Foenician, which is supposed to be something of Foenum's lingua franca. Each character corresponds to a consonant in the Latin alphabet. It results in words without vowels, however it's perfectly possible to translate it without issue. There's guides online to decrypt Foenician (here and here). The text you just saw translates to this:

The final step is over at the Altar of Esurience.

First you must go through the usual fight against the predators that spawn. Once it's over, head over to the two small "altars" at the sides and interact with them (they won't have the blue arrow indicating something can be interacted with).

The right one will do this:

You'll then get a prompt after a few lines hinting at the reindeer painting, make sure to answer 9.

Here's what happens at the left one:

There'll be flavor text alluding to the tree. You'll then get two prompts, make sure to pick the answers that are the decrypted words in Foenician: return and stalwart.

DO NOT PICK THE WRONG ANSWERS, ELSE THIS'LL HAPPEN AND YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO UNLOCK THE SECRET AND YOU'LL HAVE TO RESTART ALL THE WAY FROM THE FIRST STEP:

If you did everything right, this happens:

Which leads you to this room, that has a mural with some more Foenician!

I'll make a post based on what people have managed to decrypt of this mural (myself included), but for now this is going up there for the sake of archival purposes.

[riversimmone]

Three's A Crowd - Chapter 8

RiverOfTheSand

Summary:

SasuSaku. He didn't mean to kill that man. He had simply reacted to being attacked. And now Konoha is forced to hunt down the rogue members of Team 7, or risk open war. Eventual NaruHina.

XXX

Read from the beginning. This is a work in progress story you can find on tumblr and AO3 and completed on FF.NET.

[All tumblr posts will be tagged ‘Three’s A Crowd’ with their corresponding chapter for quick and easy access.]

Enjoy. :)

Chapter Eight: The Mistake.

It was two days later; they had their bounty, and were currently mingling with a civilian caravan that was bound for lightning country, with swords-for-hire who followed the strict code of honour of bushido. These people didn't seem bothered by the presence of Kitsúne, even if they didn't recognise them as ninja, and had only glanced at them long enough to take in their appearances before the caravan had moved out. And as Kitsúne had discovered from that stupid old tea shop owner in the land of rice paddies, the ninja of Kumo were "cleaning house" with rogue ninja in their country as their numbers had risen vaguely in the past few months. This was the best way to enter Lightning country without incurring unnecessary fights.

But they were still in the land of frost, though only a short way from the easterly border. As long as they kept their chakra hidden and maintained their cover, they would be fine.

Sasuke still had the assassin's blade – he thought back to the bulking man. Immediately after they'd left the clearing in which Team Guy and those Kumo ninja had been, Naruto had started on him about who was going to claim the reward. He fought with Sakura over it so loudly that Sasuke had grabbed the ugly brute and stalked off with the body, making an executive decision to do it himself instead.

Naruto's incessant whining had gotten on his last nerve.

Glancing around the caravan and ignoring the way Sakura was talking with one of the samurai, Sasuke let his mind wonder, mulling over who the assassin might've stolen the ōdachi from. The craftsmanship of said sword was exquisite. It wasn't just strikingly beautiful, but both lightweight and deadly sharp. He had the strangest feeling there weren't many things it couldn't cut through. So of course, he was debating best how to figure out where it had originally come from. Naruto was still sore over his possession of it, but what had the knucklehead expected? If he didn't even know how to use it properly, then he shouldn't bother even holding it. Sasuke realised he'd been selfish, just expecting to have it, but he couldn't help himself. He was drawn to it. The ōdachi was an impressive sword, and made him feel like he could take down anything and anyone.

A day's travel from the border to Lightning country, they made camp for the night. Sasuke made a point to drag Sakura from the samurai she'd been conversing with, gripping her possessively as she tried to get out of his grip.

"Sasuke…"

They disappeared into a tent, leaving Naruto to sort out their provisions. He glowered in their direction.

'Fucking horny rabbits.'

X X X

Travelling at the pace of a snail was getting on Sasuke's nerves. The next morning had started so sleepily and now he was wide awake and wanting to move faster. His body was ignoring his common sense and itching to just leave these unfamiliar people behind and head to Kumogakure as a ninja. It was making his thoughts wander dangerously, his hand jerking haphazardly as he tried to avoid grasping the handle of his ōdachi, so as to not look antagonistic to the civilians in the caravan.

Sakura and Naruto were both giving him a wide berth, sensing his unease – sometimes the blonde dobe wasn't as stupid as he looked after all.

But eventually, a combination of his increasing nerves and the strange looks thrown his way by the old man in charge of the caravan made the decision for him; his hand grasped the sword both possessively and defensively. Civilians carried weapons only rarely, and it might've looked out of place if it wasn't for the fact that the group they were travelling with had made frequent trips to the sage temples, most recently the fire temple. The monks were awesome in combat, and even occasionally taught civilians their ways. So Sasuke wasn't looking for hidden Shinobi when he activated his Sharingan, unable to get rid of the nagging feeling that this caravan was being followed.

It was the other reason, besides a need for speed (they needed to get to Kumo this century), that he was feeling so frustrated.

The swords-for-hire were watching the trees lining the path discreetly, but Sasuke saw no concern in their eyes or on their faces. Maybe he was being paranoid, but that state of mind had saved his life more times than not. It was best to be safe. Sakura and Naruto were bickering in undertones over their food supply and as Sasuke glanced over toward them he heard a sharp intake of breath. The old man who was in charge of the caravan, Ikomu, was staring at him.

There was a moment of silence and cursing his own stupidity, Sasuke killed his kekkei genkai. But it was too late. Everyone in this region was on the alert for unknown Shinobi and he'd just given himself away.

The old man screamed out. "Ninja!"

Sakura and Naruto looked up as the swords-for-hire drew their weapons, lunging at Sasuke. He sighed, not turning his Sharingan back on. Anger at his own stupidity was amplified by Naruto's loud voice. "Teme! What did you do?"

Ever the idiot.

Sasuke knocked back the first samurai and pushed Sakura out of the way when she jumped up to stop him. The old man had seen his Sharingan, and even though Sasuke knew it was his own fault, he also knew he had to deal with this. Some things couldn't just be taken back. Itachi had taught him that.

"Sasuke!" Sakura hissed, but he ignored her and she was forced to spin on her heels, throwing her arms up to stop an incoming attack from a samurai dressed hired swordsman. She had her own opponents to deal with.

Suddenly, Sasuke felt his body jerk of its own accord. There was chakra in the air that didn't belong to him, Sakura or Naruto – he reluctantly activated his Sharingan to look for the source of it and found it in Ikomu, the old man.

He was sneering down at Sasuke, as though the young man had just killed his family, his pets and his closest friends.

'Must be the Sharingan.'

It had that affect on people.

So the old man knew a few jutsu. Sasuke was actually glad about that and decided that this needed to be sorted without altering memories. But still, the Uchiha couldn't help but be angry; not at himself – not anymore. The fates were laughing at him, he knew. This wasn't going to end pretty.

Naruto jumped away from thrown shuriken and almost ran into Sakura. He twisted his head to see what Sasuke was doing and his eyes widened at the maniacal look on his face. Why the hell had he activated his Sharingan?

"Sakura," he said, "teme's about to slaughter the lot of them."

"I know."

Naruto watched in horror as Sasuke jumped from his position and came crashing down on Ikomu; the sword in his hands slicing downward through the air and impaling the old man. Ikomu's torso was all but ripped in half so swiftly, there was no blood on the blade. Sakura screamed out at Sasuke but a ringing in his ears deafened him as he watched the body fall in a mixed kind of fascination. He couldn't believe he'd just done that.

The air around him whipped his face as Naruto and Sakura took care of the rest of them.

He'd killed before today, they all had, but an uneasiness settled in his stomach as Sasuke realised this was the first time he'd enjoyed it. Snapping out of his self induced reverie, he mentally slapped himself.

'I think I'm going insane.'

He had no idea what made him do it, but in the next moment, Sasuke pulled out a kunai, having sheathed the ōdachi, and moved toward the man who had attacked him without provocation but seemingly with reason. Ignoring Sakura's plea, Sasuke carved the symbol for Kitsúne on the bodies of the dead, seemingly not caring that some of them were indeed civilian. He was more unhinged by it than he was letting on, but kept up this façade. What else was he supposed to do? But unlike his team mates, who were looking at him with mixed expressions, Sasuke didn't think this one mistake was going to come back to haunt them. As stupid and angry as he felt for his impulsive reaction, this felt like the end of it to him.

Still, everyone had something or someone that enjoyed nagging them…

"What, are you stupid?" Naruto ranted. "Why did we have to kill them?"

Sasuke pointedly ignored the furious blonde as Sakura bent to examine the sash the hired samurai had been wearing. They'd been travelling inconspicuously, so she hadn't noticed it until now – it gave her goose bumps. It had an official seal on it, and she recognised it.

"Sasuke," she whispered. "That man calling himself Ikomu was a noble."

X X X

[superfluouskeys]

ASKS hmmmmmmmm 5 / 8 / 20 ?

👀👀👀

I just need to say I love that these eye emojis are coming into my house sdkjnfjnkfknjf they're so big and for WHAT tumblr LOL! Saving 5 for the end so I can readmore the snippet!

8. Is there a story idea in your mental vault that you’ve never been brave enough to try writing? Is this the year? Can you tell us about it?

kjndfsnjkdfsknjfsd literally the only things I'm weird about writing are smut ideas okay!!! and they're not even that weird it's me i'm the problem!!!!!!!!! So idk, the LiandrinxReader fic will probably be a nice challenge for me on that front, and who knows, maybe this is the year the Hawkedith light bondage fic sees the light of day. oh actually you know what for a non-smut idea I've always wanted to do a tropey time travel fic! but i think i would make myself insane LOL. maybe this will be the year!!!

20. Any plans to work on original fiction this year?

OHOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! It's honestly so hard to choose and prioritize what to work on!!! I have 2 big original ideas, both of which I have rambled at you about extensively LOL. I think I can make a good chunk of progress on the nano nonsense fic this year, since the style is pretty firmly in my wheelhouse and I have a pretty strong idea of the main plot through-line. We'll see how I'm feeling, but I think once I get a few of my lingering fanfic projects done I'll be ready to focus on my original things again! Month-long challenges like nano actually work really well for me when I can manage them, so I might try to do something like that eventually to make some significant progress!

5. Which WIP is first on your list to complete this year? Will you post a snippet?

Again, it's soooooo hard to choose and prioritize!!! Scorched earth is in general my top priority because I just don't want to drag it out too long--before the most recent time my schoolwork beat me to death w a stick I was under the delusion that I could have it almost finished by the new year LOL! But since it's fairly simple in structure and I have it pretty clearly planned out, I mostly write chapters in one or two sittings. Second priority is advancing/finishing ghost of you, since the next chapter is literally almost done, I just got too busy to work on it. But instead I shall offer youuuuu Liandrin x Reader nonsense! It is once again a long snippet because I cannot just be normal.

--

You heard a lot about Liandrin Sedai during your first year or two as a Novice.  There was a rumor, never confirmed but nonetheless ubiquitous, that a Novice had died under Liandrin’s tutelage not long before you had arrived.  As a result, she was no longer permitted to teach Novices.  Furthermore, it was suggested, Novices would do well to avoid her.  Reasons for this varied somewhat, from ‘lest they remind her of her very recent tragedy’ to ‘lest they become the next unwitting targets of her deadly ire.’

You’re sure you never saw her in all that time, though, and eventually you heard the story repeated less and less, only really trotted out when new students arrived to the White Tower.  You learned later that Liandrin had left the Tower for a long while after the incident of legend.  It’s common for sisters of the Red Ajah to take extended leave, and the unfortunate fate of the Novice in question had certainly not impeded her ability to perform the functions for which she is best-suited.

You have also learned since then that for every extended absence, there is a corresponding extended stay in the Tower, particularly for the powerful and influential.  Liandrin is quite popular, if perhaps controversial in some circles, and it has thus been impressed upon her how very much her talents are needed within these walls for the foreseeable future.

Nevertheless, you are nothing short of shocked to see her perched atop the teacher’s desk when you arrive for your afternoon lesson.  You glance out the window, perhaps to catch a glimpse of the dire emergency that must have incapacitated so many Aes Sedai that Liandrin has been deemed a suitable substitute.

Liandrin is technically allowed to teach Accepted students.  Technically.

Liandrin herself looks about as pleased as any of the Accepted.  She pays you no mind as you enter, her piercing gaze fixed on some imagined point on the far wall.  Her arms are folded, her lips are pursed, and it looks like she’s biting the inside of her cheek.  Given her storied reputation, this understandably puts most of the students ill at ease.

“No need to trickle in,” she says, so sharply that you notice a few students flinch.  “You’re all in the right place, I should think.  I am Liandrin Sedai, and I will be overseeing your practice for the afternoon.”

She says all of this as though each word causes her great distress, gaze still fixed somewhere above the students’ heads.

“I am unaccustomed to teaching, and it’s been a long while since I was Accepted, so you will have to forgive me my unfamiliarity,” she continues, but gives absolutely no impression that she is asking forgiveness for anything.  “Adeline Sedai was not generous enough to inform me which weaves you are currently studying.  Would anyone be so kind as to enlighten me?”

The room falls eerily silent.  You cast a surreptitious glance toward Briallyn, who is usually the sort to raise her hand at any opportunity.  She is gazing at Liandrin like she is something inhuman and incomprehensible.

You swallow your nerves and raise your hand.

Liandrin turns her head sharply.  “Yes?”

“Weaving Spirit,” you say, although your voice falters under her exacting gaze.

“Weaving Spirit,” she echoes with a mocking lilt, inclining her head and smiling with false sweetness.  “Could our esteemed little sister perhaps narrow it down, just a bit?”

You feel your cheeks flush hot.  “The basics, I mean,” you stammer.  “Just starting.”

Liandrin scoffs.  “I suppose I should have known better than to expect anything more than that,” she says with a theatrical sigh.  “What was our dear Adeline Sedai having you do, just…” she waves vaguely, “pick at threads of Spirit out of nowhere?  No direction, no purpose?  No wonder it’s taking so long.”

She points at you, and you nearly startle out of your skin.  “Come forward.  Since you’ve been kind enough to volunteer.”

You can hear a low whisper of fear starting up around you as you obey her command, feel the eyes of your fellow Accepted upon you although you keep your head bowed low.  You are shy and unused to this kind of attention.  You can feel your face flushing all the way up to your ears.

Liandrin is perfectly average in stature, yet somehow seems to tower over you through her presence alone.  She ducks her head to catch you eye, and now her subtle smile bears no tinge of mockery.  “Look,” she bids you, gesturing out toward the classroom.

You attempt, quite unsuccessfully, to swallow down your embarrassment.  You look.

“Your classmates are afraid of me,” Liandrin observes, with the kind of neutrality one expects of a particularly uninteresting weather forecast.  “No doubt you’ve all heard stories about me.  Or, should I say, one in particular?”

You glance surreptitiously in Liandrin’s direction.  Her eyes are alight with cruel amusement.  She is enjoying this.  She leans in toward the class, as though to share a secret.  “Let me assure you that what you’ve heard…is absolutely true.”

The whole class visibly recoils, and the frightened whispers culminate in horrified gasps, followed by a deafening silence.

“Look at your classmates,” says Liandrin.  “The same way you would look for threads of fire or water.  Look for their fear.”

A part of you considers that you can see their fear perfectly well without looking very closely at all.  Another part of you is preoccupied with the way Liandrin’s eyes light up watching people recoil from her.  But you know from experience that Liandrin has very little patience, and she will not be pleased if she has to repeat herself.

You tear your eyes away from Liandrin and look, focusing on the class as a whole rather than trying to stare at any one person.  You squint and tilt your head, think of the frightened whispers and all the different versions of Liandrin’s story you have heard repeated over the years.  Some of your classmates are much younger than you, and their precocious talents allowed them to graduate to the rank of Accepted sooner than most.  They must have heard the story of the Novice who died under Liandrin Sedai’s tutelage very recently, and they do not have the benefit of experience to tell them that Liandrin means them no actual harm.

You think you start to see it then, something red and wrong hanging about them, brighter in some places than in others.  On instinct you reach out to pull at the threads.

You are not a talented channeler.  Threads do not respond well or quickly to your beckoning.  But the threads do come to you, slowly, and in this aspect alone, Liandrin is endlessly patient.

“A useful trick, to draw upon strong emotion,” says Liandrin.  Her words are for the benefit of the class, but she speaks quietly, and she is standing close enough to you that her voice makes you shiver.  “Spirit is that which is not strictly tangible, and yet you can feel it, can’t you, when there is a room full to the brim with terror?”

You can see the change in some students then, the ones who understand that this was, at least in part, a play upon their emotions in an unusual effort to educate.  You see the shift not in their faces but in the threads you are attempting to weave, a subtle change in the color and shape as fear gives way to confusion, or brightens into excitement.

You can’t help but wonder what others see, when they look at the color and shape of your own emotions.

New Year Fanfic Asks!

[bitmeddler]

Hermann Gottlieb: Consulting Detective

***New Chapter Posted***

Chapter Two: Letters I

Chapter Summary: Hermann Gottlieb receives a peculiar missive from an American doctor and toxicologist affiliated with the fledgling Massachusetts Institute of Technology which inspires a passionate and fascinating exchange.

Category + Rating: M/M (Mature)

Relationships: Newton Geiszler / Hermann Gottlieb  (Pacific Rim)

Current Word Count: 3,000

Tags: Alternate Universe - Sherlock Holmes setting but with Pacific Rim characters; Alternate Universe - Historical; Alternate Universe - Victorian; Alternate Universe - Detectives; First Meetings; Developing Relationship; Passionate and Fascinating Exchange of Letters; Slow Build; Slow Burn; Getting Together; Pining; Falling In Love; Eventual Relationships; Mystery; Murder Mystery; Action/Adventure; Adventure & Romance; 221B Baker Street; Eventual Happy Ending

Story summary: When Hermann Gottlieb, the world’s only consulting detective, receives a letter from American doctor Newton Geiszler, their correspondence sparks the joint investigation of a series of happenings that take them into the fog shrouded world of the capital’s criminal underbelly. A Pacific Rim adventure mystery set in the gas-lit streets of Victorian London.