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maximumkillshot · 10 months

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"I Can't Lose You" Part 6

Warnings: Aftermath of a miscarriage, descriptions of grief due to losing a baby, Angry Everyone, Death is mentioned, Wanting Death, Shock, Grief, PTSD Flashback, Panic, there is a parallel to a person jumping off a bridge (NOT ACTUALLY)

Pairing: Bangchan x Reader

Characters: Stray Kids, Reader

A/N: Ok if you read the above, you'll notice that anger is in the warnings. This is the first half of a chapter that had me crying as I wrote it. This is something that you all need to take into consideration... I LOVE YOU GUYS AND I AM SORRY IN ADVANCE ONCE AGAIN. My asks are always open for you guys to vent about this one.

Also remember, this is a fanfic. All of the boys are so sweet IRL.

Stray Kids! Masterlist

Overall Masterlist

ALL WORK IS UNDER ME AND MY BLOG. DO NOT TRY TO REPUBLISH OR STEAL MY WORK, AS THAT IS COPYRIGHTED UNDER ME AND IS CONSIDERED COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE.

ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

Previously:

He was mad at himself at those thoughts, Chris was so clearly into you so he used Bin’s insecurities against him… and it had worked. He thought about how all of this wouldn’t have happened and you and him would be happy together. That’s all he ever wanted for you. That was why he let you go in the first place. He wanted you to be happy.

After about half an hour of hushed talking, while Bin kept you relaxed, a set of footsteps walked down the hall. Just hearing them, Bin’s ears perked up. They had an authority to them, almost pompous in nature. Commanding… he knows those steps.

Now:

The minute Minho saw who it was entering the room his whole body went rigid, his hands in fists at his side as he got up and used his body to block whoever it was. He motioned for the boys to get closer to the bed. All of them standing, ready to jump.

“Just let me talk to her,” Bin’s vision started getting blurry, on the verge of blacking out with rage. He looked down to you, very unbothered by the sudden voice that assaulted the tranquility of the room. The first tranquil moment you've had in months. Months of your husband hiding and sneaking. And months of you planning and working excitedly making every detail perfect.

Bin made a split-second decision to lightly cover your ear that wasn't to his chest. Trying to prolong the inevitable.

Next up was Han as he said in a hushed tone, “she’s finally asleep. You are not coming in this room, Chris.” His tone was dark and that one sentence rolled off of his tongue like a warning.

“She’s my wife. I am going to see her whether you like it or not.” He sounded annoyed. Like this was an inconvenience. Bin did everything in the book to calm his heart, which was starting to spike at just hearing his voice.

Bin went on an internal tirade, how dare he come here? Killing your child wasn't enough? Making you so stressed out that you almost bled to death wasn't enough? Ripping your heart out and trampling it… not enough for him? NOOO let's show up when it's convenient, when no one expects it, playing the 'husband' card. When Bin knew he CLEARLY gave up that title already.

Especially when you did everything to be available for him. When he started to pull away you came to Bin and Han in tears, not knowing what to do. You love him so much that you actively went to find out what it was. Was it your weight? Did you talk too much or not enough? Did you ask for too much? Did you seem too boring? He has already been enough of a plague on your life already.

Minho giggled darkly, “You really want to die today, huh? Did you not hear Han, she’s resting. Now go away.”

“Not until I see her.” His voice raised slightly. The bite in his voice made Minho want to strangle him, to be honest. He doesn’t have any entitlement to you. Especially after what he’s done. As far as what Minho thinks, Chris was never your husband. No husband neglects their wife. No husband makes their wife lay awake at night, worried about if he had eaten or not, or if she’d even see him when she woke up.

That was enough for you to stir on Bin’s chest. Bin had to think quickly as he said "It's okay, go to sleep, Angel. I'm here," in the most delicate whisper. That was enough to knock you out again, humming against his chest.

Chris pulled back the curtain, even though Han and Minho tried their best to get him away. At that point, I.N, who was the closest to Chan, blocked him from your bedside.

“Get away from her.” He whispered, “She’s too fragile right now.”

Chris just looked at I.N. and said, “No one is keeping me from my wife, you’re lucky I even went along with it for this long. I’m not going to wake her.”

The venom in Chan's voice made the hair on Bin’s neck and arms raise. Not out of fear, no he could snap Chris in half if he was pissed off enough. His hair raised out of anger and knowing he couldn't do anything about it. The fact that Chan had the audacity to come into that room after what he did, knowing that you are fragile. That you barely made it out, and even now, you aren’t completely out. Yet there he was trying to force himself in. Like he had a right to be there, even though he was the one that caused it.

I.N looked at Han and Han signaled him to let it go.

Han knew that he was right, none of them had spousal rights. So technically Chris can kick them out, especially because she is still so weak, she can’t fend for herself or be able to sternly say ‘get out’ to her husband, not without consequences. They had no other choice.

Bin looked at Chan as he took a seat next to the bed, taking in your sleeping form. His heart was breaking at seeing how weak you looked. Your cheeks were slightly sunken in and your face was completely pale. The dark circles dominated your eyes, making your face look more like a mummy as opposed to a living breathing person. He looked at your arm with a blood bag hooked to it. When he looked up at Bin he could see that it took everything in Bin’s body not to kill him.

Bin just mouthed to him, “What the fuck are you doing here, get out.” The more that he looked at Chan the more he wanted to rip him apart. He looked well rested, smelled like he showered, hell he even did his hair. That pissed Changbin off. You’d think that he would at least look more disheveled. Given, he could see that he did look worried and sad. He didn’t look guilty.

Chris just ignored him and kept looking at you. Chris was transfixed on you. He was even more transfixed by your hold on Changbin. You looked like you were cuddling your favorite teddy bear. He remembered the last time you held him like that. Yesterday morning, when he came home to sleep for two hours, the minute the bed dipped you subconsciously reached for him, and he slightly rolled his eyes as he succumbed to his fate, smile on his face. You sighed so happily, you mumbled, ‘Mhmm missed you, love you,’ as you kissed his bare chest, and just like you’re positioned now, you were asleep. Now seeing you holding Bin like that makes jealousy more prominent in his mind.

It makes him sick to think about all of this as he plays with his wedding ring, thinking about not feeling you again, your hugs, your breath on his skin. The moans that’d he pull out of you, soothing his soul. The looks that’d make his heart stop. The giggle that’d be forced out even if you were mad. Not having the feeling of your skin on his, these thoughts make him want to die. He’s trying to actively ignore it. He’s trying to ignore the fact that he did something so disgusting, so unforgivable that he lost you. For him, it’s easier to be angry, angry and convinced that you’ll come back. That’s why he is doing what he is doing. That’s why he walked with bravado into that room.

He went to put some hair behind your ear just to have some contact and I.N’s hand flew out and wrapped his hand around his wrist. His jaw set. Bin wanted to do the exact same but it’d jolt you.

I.N. growled “No.. touching… get out of the room,” his brows furrowed, his usually soft eyes looking more like a piercing gaze.

Being the maknae, he has never challenged Chan before… At all. There’s a good reason as to why he is challenging him right now. Innah has always felt like he was awkward. He didn’t really know where he belonged in the team. Yes, he has a good voice and yes he’s good with choreography but he never really hung out with people other than Seungmin and Felix.

You being the person you are, you figured it out. He was watching one day, just seeing all of the members interacting, some of the older ones trying to bring him into the fold but it seemed ingenuine to him. Like he was the little brother that had to be included or Dad would get mad. You truly found the things that he loved interesting, really talked to him, and made him feel safe and welcomed.

There was one particularly hard night for him. Nothing went right that day and he was tired, frustrated, and needed to feel safe. He didn’t know where to go or who to go to. So he called you without knowing why. You picked up and the minute he heard your voice he started crying. You ran to his dorm. No one else was home, and of course, Chan was nowhere in sight. So you stood with him, talked, and cooked a midnight dinner with him. Got him to laugh, you both passed out on the couch after watching some anime.

After that night that no one knows about except the boys in the Danceracha house, I.N. was just like Hyunjin, except he’d do drive-by hugs, sometimes just falling on you giggling and looking for hugs and head scratches, like the fox he is. There were other times when he would just stand behind you, put his chin on the top of your head and say, “What are we doing here Y/N/N…. I am BORED” as he’d flop on you, “Let’s get Ramyeon.” You’d laugh and say, “How about this… you get through today… and Ramyeon’s on me.” He still smiles at those memories.

So of course, I.N. would fight King Kong if he had to if it meant protecting you.

Now, seeing Jeongin doing this, standing up to Chan, just to protect you, his Noona, made everyone that wasn’t Chan smile.

Chan stood up to his full height and said, “I just want to be here for her,” with a tight lip at the challenge of the maknae of his team. Chan can’t take the disrespect anymore. Even though he knows that he more than deserves to be treated like this and worse, he is still in that limbo of trying to convince himself that this didn’t actually happen or worse, that he can fix it.

Bin felt your grip tighten on him…

You said to yourself that you didn’t just hear that voice. You squeezed your eyes shut as you wiggled up a bit to bury your face into Bin's neck. You didn’t want the boys to see you cry.

The cologne you just smelled when you were on Bin's chest, that was Chan’s cologne. The voice you just heard, that was Chan’s voice. There was a war going on in your head. Do you talk to him? Can you talk to him? What do you say? What does HE have to say?

“Y/N?” Chan said as his body snapped to you. Seeing you now burrowed into Bin’s neck and chest.

It made the jealousy that he had before start to boil. That’s his wife, after all. Chan was your safety. He was the one you run to, not Changbin, of all people. Why does he fit so well next to you? Why does the feeling of you slipping away elicit anger at others, not himself? Why did he see you buried in Bin’s neck and not his own? It felt to him like someone was touching his favorite toy without permission. Why did she go to Bin for comfort and not him?

“Y/N, Baby?” He asked a little louder…

“Stop calling me that,” you responded to him, muffled by Bin’s neck as you cried in your own dark cocoon, that was what you imagined when in Bin’s neck. Surrounded by him, he’d never let anyone near close. He was your safety bubble.

Bin just moved his hand up to pet your hair back as you fought with yourself.

The only one who knew you were crying was Bin, who felt your tears on his neck. They felt like acid on his skin, he could feel the pain through them, the fear, the rejection, the grief. He hated seeing or feeling you cry. The fact that you were comfortable enough to trust him with your fragility was the only solace in this for him. He knew that no one could protect you more than he could. That’s exactly what he’s going to do, protect you.

“I’ve got you,” He whispered as he turned his face into you, trying to hide as much of your face as he could, to give you more shelter to cry in. He hated that you had to go through this. You would think that for even one second his bonehead bandmate would put his own ego aside for just one fucking day to give you the room you desperately needed. It’s not even like he could make the excuse of thinking that you are going through it alone. It’s clear that you aren’t, Bin always took care of you. Sometimes Chan thought that it was the perfect deal for himself. He was married to you, so obviously you wouldn’t betray him, and Bin was so in love with you that he’d move Heaven and Earth for you. So Chan being distracted was never the issue, Bin was always there. In his head Bin was like a Knight protecting the Queen in a chess game. The king doesn’t have to worry about the Queen.

Bin’s tone with you was gentle,“You tell me to get him out and that’s exactly what we’re going to do.” His face read danger, eyes never leaving Chris.

You really didn’t know what to do. You are at a loss really. You just got about half an hour in nearly 30+ hours of being awake. One thing you do know is that you are feeling your pain uptick at the thought of leaving Bin’s neck.

“Please, let me talk to you,” Chris pleaded with you. He tried to touch you.

Jeongin stopped him again, gripping his wrist. His grip was bruising in strength this time, “She did not say you could touch her. So you are keeping your hand to yourself. Either that or I rip it off, understand?”

Bin’s jaw was tight, if Chris made one more move, Bin was going to gently switch out with Seungmin, just to murder Chris, then switch out again so you could sleep, very simple.

“At least let me see your face, Baby,” Chris said as he yanked his hand from I.N’s grip.

Then you spoke again… your tone now carrying an authoritative air, “I told you not to call me that fucking name. I heard it enough when you were fucking her in our bed. Take that name and shove it, Chris.”

“As for seeing my face, you don’t deserve to see it after what you did to me. Neither of you deserve to see my face.”

“Give us the room,” Chan ordered. He was doing his best to keep his composure and to try to gauge how much control he lost of the group. He is very much aware of the fact that the power dynamic has changed. Chan knows that they don’t even respect him, let alone trust him. Another thing that he knows is that he would feel the same way.

He’s also embarrassed, not at what he’s done but at the fact that his members found out. The fact that he was caught with his pants down, both literally and figuratively. The fact that his members watched him do something so amoral was something that he was pissed off about. Not as much at the fact that he had no moral compass, but it was the fact that they reacted the way they did. They screamed at him, Chris, Bang Chan, their elder. They challenged his authority left and right. The fact that they’re rebelling only added fuel to the fire. He wanted, needed to get control back.

As far as he was concerned, this was all something that he could come back from. You love him, right? So obviously you’ll come back. You sunk 5 years into him, of course you’ll be back. There was far too many decent memories for you to check out now. You’re hurt, demoralized, angry, yes. However, knowing the peacekeeper you are, you’ll be back, he knows it. Why can’t they see that, why can’t they fight for him just as hard as they are fighting for you. Why can’t they get their noses out of his marriage and watch some K-Drama like they always do instead of driving a wedge further in between himself and his wife.

The frustration alone made him want to lose his composure. Everyone has their role, that is something he is an avid believer in. To you, Chan is the protector, he’s the one to chase all the bad things away, he is your husband. Changbin is your friend, nothing more. So it drove Chan crazy to see you relax in Bin’s arms.

He felt like Bin had no business in a bed with you. It being completely lost on him that he did the same thing, but worse with his wife’s best friend. Bin is not there to sexually gratify you, he is there to hold whatever’s left of you together.

Bin is trying desperately to reassure you, to look at all of your broken pieces and help you, to let you know that he won’t let Chris close enough to hurt you again.

When Chris ordered everyone to give him the room, not one person moved a muscle. All they did was look at you, waiting for an answer.

Bin whispered to you, “Do you want us to leave?” Internally he was praying that you wouldn’t want him to go. He as well as the rest of the boys don’t trust Chris as far as they can throw him.

You shook your head, “Can’t take it.” You knew that there would be no way that you could have this conversation alone, you’d be right back to square one. If you were honest there isn’t a way you can see this going well. You are still really weak. You can’t do much of anything at all yet, even needing help shifting in your own bed. Not to mention the person who did it to you is demanding an audience with you like you didn’t just go through a near-death experience and is barking orders at your boys. You couldn’t even scream at him for that.

Bin looked at the boys and said, “We aren’t going anywhere, Y/N’s orders.”

With that all of the boys had a seat, smiles on their faces as if to say try us, we dare you.

Chan’s face turned hard at that. It was worse than he thought… Not only did he lose control, he handed all of it over to you on a silver platter. Chan is an A personality type. He is very particular, one of those places he’s particular about is that he is the Alpha. He is the leader, the spearhead. So for everyone to do this, made him not only mad, but scared. He isn’t used to not being in control. That made his tone harsh as he barked,“Look, I know that you are in pain and I know that you don’t even want to see me right now, but we need to talk in private.”

Immediately I.N. bristled and took a step to him, Minho getting up and claiming the bottom half of the bed, looming on the post of it, glaring at Chan.

Felix growled, “Watch your tone, you aren’t the one calling the shots, Chris.” as he bore daggers into Chris’ forehead, standing at the ready.

You didn’t respond and Chan said something that made your blood boil,something he knew you couldn’t ignore, “It was mine too.”

It..IT?! Your heart cracked again as you left your cocoon, “IT?!” You raised your voice. You winced at the pain the movement caused. “MY child was not an IT… THEY WERE HERE CHRIS.” You grabbed your stomach, feeling your diaphragm scream at you to be quiet, your abdominals agreeing full-heartedly. “YOU gave up ANY parentage by fucking someone else when we were trying to have a baby for TWO FUCKING YEARS!”

“WHAT?!” Han exclaimed. Han started to see red, yet again… Han thought to himself, They were trying to have a baby for 2 years?!. Han looked briefly at everyone else, their faces set in the same murderous stare that resided on Han.

Meanwhile, Bin didn’t let that sink in, he was too busy noticing you started looking slightly confused and woozy. Whatever little color you had was turning more grey by the second.

��Y/N you need to breathe,” Bin tried to remind you. He tried his best to guide you back down but you weren't having it. Your anger taking control. He had a sinking feeling as his own heartrate picked up.

You thought for a few minutes and said, “I still can’t believe it, you know? It’s like last night was a horrible nightmare but, the pain, the blood… It really happened. My baby is really gone.” A stray tear ran down your face, “I don’t want to believe it. It hurts too much. But my body knows. It feels different. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t… I can’t…”

Bin was watching your heart rate, the last time you tried to revisit this, you had to be sedated and apparently, Han is thinking the same thing. He looked at the monitors and got a bad feeling.

“I just wanted to surprise you, to show you how much I love you! To let you know that I am there for you and you repay me by emotionally cheating on me with my BEST FRIEND for a YEAR and physically cheating for two whole months?! NOW YOU WANT A PRIVATE CONVERSATION?! How is this for a private conversation.” You felt your body starting to fail again. The rage coursing through you is the only thing keeping you aware of your surroundings.

Chan went to look away, he couldn’t see you hurting this much. He couldn’t come to the realization that he did this to you. You screamed with what little energy you had , “LOOK AT ME YOU FUCKING COWARD!” as you held your stomach, trying to control the new waves of pain.

When he looked at you, you said, “Here’s a little private conversation for you. I’m granting your wish. You said to her ‘I can’t wait to leave her’... Guess what?” You gritted out, “I’m leaving you!” you started spiraling back into what happened not even a full 24 hours ago at repeating his sentence back to him. Hearing those same words in your head, seeing the blood, the reality of it once again slamming into you like it did before.

The minute that last sentence left your lips, the world slowed down for Chris. He saw everything, the wedding, the laughs you both had. Even the simple things like how whenever he got up, which was always well before you woke up; he’d stare at you, brushing your cheekbones with his knuckles. Watching your peaceful form and marveling at how effortlessly gorgeous you are. Now as he watches you, seeing the shreds of you that were left, he had a realization. He realized all at once that the person he loves and has always loved is dead. She’s dead, along with his child, because of him.

You started staring off tears freely falling, “I just want my baby… Bin, I want my baby.”

Your heart rate started climbing fast as you stared at your lap, seeing blood that wasn’t there anymore, then blinking and it disappearing, your face began to show distress, as tears started falling, and your mouth opened letting out rapid puffs of air. Bin looked at Han and yelled at him, "Get the nurses, go!" The next second Han ran out the door as the alarms went off on the monitors.

Bin looked at you and said, “Hey look at me, stay here with me, Angel.” Then he looked at Minho and said, “Clear the room. Get Chan out of her NOW!” Minho immediately started getting everyone up and out of the room as fast as possible.

Chris slowly backed up until he hit the wall,everything moving in slow motion. He looked at the monitor, seeing your ungodly fast heart rate. The fact that you could die right now from a heart attack made him want to collapse to his knees and start praying. Chris was watching how Bin handled you, tears were starting to sting in his eyes. He was shaking, feeling the gold of his wedding band as he watched a man who was so much more than he could be. How delicate he was with you. Why did I do this?

He was staring at your face, he could see it, the heartbreak. He wanted to help, to take all of it back. Flashes of memories flickered in his mind. All of the opportunities he had to be with you but chose not to. All of the times that you would try to save him from himself, even if it was as simple as reminding him to eat. He’d yell at you and tell you that he was a grown up. I’m not grown. You’d remind him to get up and stretch, to be present in the now. You always tried to connect to him, always tried to soothe him, always tried to bridge the gap he put in between the both of you. His heart felt like lead, sinking further. His voice, his legs, his body didn’t move. It was Innah who dragged him out of the room by the collar.

Bin looked back at you, “Y/N…” He could see, you were completely dissociated.

You weren’t responding to him at all, eyes glazed over as your heart rate kept climbing, you were glancing around, clearly confused. What he didn’t know is that you felt everything at once. You could hear him like he was underwater. Your vision was blurry, and you really couldn’t feel anything aside from the pain in your chest at the thought of anything, because you felt guilty.

“Angel, look at me, try to breathe for me. Come back to me.”

“They should be here, not me. My baby didn’t deserve that Binnie. I want to hold my baby!” You screamed, “I want to take them a bath, feed them, I want my Baby.”

Bin realized then that it’s the reality that’s so painful. Everything that was around you reminded you of the fact that you were living and your child wasn’t. He could see the pain on your face as he gently held your face, trying to get through to you. “I know you want to hold your baby, I want that too. I want that so badly but I can’t give you your baby, that can’t happen. No one can bring your baby back, Angel.” Tears were rolling down his face at seeing you like this. Your eyes were constantly searching as more tears fell from them, he tried to wipe the tears away as fast as they rolled down your cheeks.

Bin got behind you, caging you with his arms and chest. He pulled you flush to his chest and ran his hands up and down your arms as he slowly rocked you. He was trying to provide enough stimulation to get you back to being able to self-regulate. You were only getting worse as he watched helplessly. He tilted your head back to see you spiraling further down, “Binnie help me. I want my baby please.” You just wanted to let it consume you already.

You quaked as you wished out loud, screaming without even knowing it, “Please, just let me die, let me go, I want my Baby.” You knew it was the pain, but at this point, not having your child was worse than death. You screamed without fighting anymore. Sometimes the seconds would stretch as you screamed till no air was left to make a noise. Those sobs made you feel like your chest was in a car crusher. You couldn’t stop them no matter how hard you tried, but in your mind, there was no point in stopping them.

Changbin’s blood ran cold hearing you say that, feeling as if he got dunked in an ice bath. He choked on his own breath as he did his best to try to get his own voice to work. You may not want to be here right now, but he’s going to make sure that you make it. He looked into your eyes and they were completely dilated, you just lay on Bin’s chest as you made the decision. You were done fighting, the pain was too much. Bin felt it, he could feel the fight leave you as you went limp, crying.

He knows this feeling… this was the same feeling that he felt when you were losing consciousness. His gaze snapped to your eyes, no fight, no struggle. You looked like you were calling out to Death. You wanted it so badly. What was worse was that Death was answering, he could feel it in the room. Cold, dark, and looming.

His body went into overdrive, the shock melting into panic. He wasn’t going to let Death take you, “Han hurry up, she's slipping!” He screamed at the door. His scream didn’t sound like him. The sound akin to a bystander watching a loved one jump from a bridge. Watching the body disappear all because of one step. He couldn’t wouldn’t let you fall. He screamed as if he dove for your hand, the same hand that fits so perfectly in his, as you threatened to disappear over the ledge of that bridge.

Bin got closer to your ear, so you could hear him better, “Please don’t say that. I know it hurts, just stay with me, hold on. I’m here. Stay with me. You can’t leave me here, please.” Changbin tilted your head, so you could hear his heartbeat. Subconsciously thinking, If you go I go. He gently wrapped his arm across your breastbone, trying to provide some soothing pressure to your chest. His hand resting on your opposite arm, rubbing the meat of it in a soothing pattern. His other hand was petting your hair. The hold he had you in gave you someone to hold on to. As soon as his forearm rested you wrapped your hands around it, grabbing his hand as you dangled on the ledge.

“Binnie it hurts, pleaseee. Help me, it hurtss.” You sobbed, your voice cracking and breaking, a mirror of your soul. Bin continued to slowly rock you, “I know Angel, I know I want to take it away. Just hold on for me. Hold on to me.” He had no idea how he was able to be calm for you. A part of him knew that he needed to. He was not going to collapse so you could face all of this on your own. He refused. He needed to fight for you, and he would, for eternity if he had to.

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sapshorelines · 4 months

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SUMMER TRIP | ATEEZ 9th MEMBER AU

★・・・・・・★

ATEEZ were given a two week trip to a summer house, what could possibly go wrong? (platonic relationship, alcohol mentions, swearing, reader is the eldest, fluff/crack) (not proof read | 2.2k words) Authors note: I apologize for the lack of content, I have been busy with other things. Also, I am going to try and change my format a bit! [🌊] = name

!! NOTE !! None of my works represent any IRL people. These works are purely meant for entertainment purpose and shouldn't be taken seriously. Do not steal any of my works and reupload them to other medias

MINORS DNI

★・・・・・・★

“We're here!” [🌊] was abruptly woken up from his nap as Wooyoung yelled out in the car. He opens his eyes for a few seconds to see everyone taking off their seatbelt. But [🌊] closes his eyes and attempts to fall back asleep, until he feels a large hand on his shoulder. “[🌊]-hyung, it's time to get up.” Yunho whispers. [🌊] would lift his head up, then Yunho would start laughing. “Hey, you ok?” [🌊] looks over at Yunho confused. But [🌊] looks like a grumpy grandfather that got woken up from the best nap by his grandkids. “Your face looks swollen.” San joked, making Yunho laugh a bit harder. [🌊] would just glare at San. “C’mon hyung, we're here at the house.” Yunho pats [🌊] on the shoulder as he would get out. So, where are they? Well, ATEEZ was given a two week break at a summer house near the beach. There wasn’t any film crew, no media, nothing! Although they did have security nearby, we won’t talk about it though. All they had to do was to give updates on social media and film for their vlog series.

[🌊] would exit the car looking like a zombie. “Yah, [🌊]-hyung, you good?” Wooyoung was laughing his ass off at the site of the eldest. Yeosang who had the camera to film for the vlog walked over to film [🌊]. Pretty much everyone was surrounding [🌊] making fun of him. The grandfather of the group was pretty much being bullied. “Anyway, help me take our bags in!” Hongjoong then ends the terror for [🌊], dragging the younger members to help him.

–

“There’s only four rooms.”

All of the members were in the living room, now learning that they were lied to. The house said it had five rooms but it had only four. All their luggage was with them and all nine of them just sat around the living room. “I can sleep in the living room-” [🌊] suggested, but was cut off by San. “No! Last time you did something similar you accidentally fell off the couch and hit your head on the table!” Yeah that did happen, everyone thought he died but nope. [🌊] lets out a sigh in defeat. “Well what do we do?” “Why not play a game? See who gets paired up with who.” Yeosang suggested. In which everyone agrees too. And after trial and error, and a lot of chaos. The rooms went something like this. Yeosang and Jongho, Hongjoong and Wooyoung, Seonghwa and Mingi, San and Yunho and [🌊]. Luckily, the trio were placed in the master room, so all is good, right?

Anywho, [🌊] immediately made his way to the room carrying his bags along with him. He enters the room and tosses his bag off to the side and immediately collapses down onto the bed. “Hyung! You can’t sleep again!” San chuckles as he enters the room afterwards. “Mm’comfy.” [🌊]’s face was in the soft blanket, San walks up to the bed to sit down next to the elder and.. Well he was right, the bed is extremely soft. “Well, we gotta check the place out.” San says as he attempts to get [🌊] up. Though [🌊] tried to drag San down to sleep with him. “No- Hyung-” San tried to fight back from being pulled down, but in the end [🌊] won. Meanwhile Yunho just stood there at the doorway filming the whole thing, laughing.

–

“C’mon let's go!” Wooyoung says as he runs out of the backdoor and down the patio stairs that lead to the beach, followed by some of the other younger members. After unpacking and checking out the house, some of the members wanted to go to the beach and run around. Meanwhile Seonghwa and Hongjoong went out to go get food to stock up, that would leave the grandfather of the group, [🌊], to watch the rest.

“Wooyoung wait- you need sunscreen!” [🌊] calls out, but it was too late. But luckily San ran after him. [🌊] was finishing up packing the needed items to bring out, Mingi and Yunho were helping too. Distance screaming can be heard as Wooyoung flees from San. “Hyung, let me carry the bags for you.” Jongho offers as he walks over to [🌊], “It's fine Jon-” Before [🌊] could even finish his sentence, Jongho takes the bags from [🌊] and walks out, making [🌊] sigh. Yunho carried two small umbrellas and Mingi carried the cooler, looks like they were gonna be out for a while till Seonghwa and Hongjoong got back.

So the four went down to the beach where they saw Yeosang filming San chasing Wooyoung down. Good times. “Where do we want the stuff?” Jongho looks around. “Mmm, why not over here?” Yunho points out a spot, in which the rest agreed on. The four walked over and started to set up stuff. Meanwhile, San was dragging Wooyoung over so he could put sunscreen on him. “San, sunscreen is in the bag.” Yunho points over at the bag behind him, in which San goes over as well as dragging Wooyoung along. “Hey [🌊]-hyung, are you planning on going out into the water?” Yeosang walks over to the elder, “Mmm, probably not today.” [🌊] says as he sets down a towel on the sand. “Well, you should at least put some sunscreen on hyung, let me-” Yeosang turned around to get the sun screen, but noticed that San, who had the sunscreen last, was not near the bag. Then, Yeosang and [🌊] turns their heads to the shore as they hear laughter. Wooyoung is basically in the water now and San is yelling at him, classic.

After a few hours, the front door to their vacation home opens as Seonghwa and Hongjoong walk in carrying loads of bags filled with different food, drinks, and snacks. “Where are they?” Hongjoong asked as he looked around, making his way to the kitchen. “Perhaps they’re still on the beach? They said they were gonna go to the beach but I guess they’re not done.” Seonghwa replies as he follows Hongjoong. “Why don’t you go look for them, I can deal with bringing in the rest of the groceries.” Seonghwa says as he puts down the bags he was carrying onto the table.

“Mmm, fine.” Hongjoong wanted to protest and continue to help him but he knows Seonghwa will still pressure him to do something else. So, Hongjoong goes out to the back patio that overlooks the beach. He can see umbrellas, towels, and other stuff along with two people sitting in the shade. He then see’s four people out in the water on surfboards, now who is who- “Oh- hey hyung.” Hongjoong jumps, hearing the voice, but then notices that Yeosang was sitting on a chair reading a book. “Didn’t realize you two got back.” He says as he closes the book and sets it down on a table next to him.

“What are they doing down there?” Hongjoong asked.

“[🌊]-hyung, San, Mingi, and Wooyoung are wanting to tryout surfing. Yunho and Jongho are relaxing. I came up here because I was hungry but I didn’t feel like going back down there.” “Oh, fair.” Hongjoong says as he looks back out to the others that are struggling to catch waves, distant laughter can be heard along with the loud crashing waves and breeze.

“I can help Seonghwa-hyung with unpacking the groceries.” Yeosang says as he goes back inside. “I’ll go get them.” Hongjoong says as he would make his way down to the others.

—

“Who wants to go explore downtown with me?”

San says as he was pretty much standing there ready to go out already.

Most of the members were tired out after going wild in the ocean, some of them scattered around in the living room laying down as the fan was on max and the AC on.

“Yah! How are you not tired?” Wooyoung sits up from the couch. “I had a nap silly, I just woke up and I wanna do more stuff!”

Wooyoung groans as he plops back down on the couch, then feeling a smack on his leg. “Ow-” “Be quiet.” Mingi grumbles as he was disturbed from his slumber. Wooyoung mocks him by mumbling what he said.

“I can go with you.” Seonghwa says, “I still need to get a few things but I wanted to save it and see if anyone wanted to come along.” “Oh! Alright, I think [🌊]-hyung wanted to come too.” San turns around and looked down the hallway to where his room was, seeing [🌊] walking out ready to go but still trying to wake up from his beauty sleep. “Anyone else?” San turns back around to look at the others. “I’ll go.” Yeosang then gets up from the chair he was in, “Give me a few minutes.” He says as he makes his way to his room he was staying in. “We’ll wait!” –

Fastforward and the four are out walking around downtown. The group have already visited some small shops within the town, getting a few souvenirs and such.

“Oh look! Ice cream!” San looked to his right and pointed out a small shop that was coming up, of course it was an ice cream shop.

“Could we get some?” “I guess? We would need to ask the others what they want.” Seonghwa rubs the back of his head, a bit hesitant to buy anything else as they already went on a spending spree as well as lunch. “We already had lunch-” “It says here we can do take out.” [🌊] cuts of Seonghwa, this man was already on their website. “Yeah but I already spent-”

“I can buy it Seonghwa, don’t worry.” [🌊] pats him on the back, “Can one of you text the group chat and ask the rest what they want.” “Yeah sure I can.” Yeosang says as he pulls out his phone. “Imagine if they had those chips.” San chuckled. “Oh god I hope not.” [🌊] groans, remembering that one thing they did ages ago.

—-

Fastforward and it was now evening. The sun was setting on the horizon and the group were getting ready for dinner. Half the members were cooking while the others were in the living room hanging out. Meanwhile, [🌊] was in his room taking a nap.

[🌊] was tired, even after a nap earlier in the day. No wonder why their fans called him grandpa.

The door opens to their room, revealing Wooyoung walking in and over to [🌊]’s side. “Hyung, get up, Dinner is ready.” Wooyoung shakes [🌊] shoulder gently. [🌊] lets out a groan as he would slowly sit up. “C’mon hyung.” Wooyoung at this point was trying to drag him out of the bed.

[🌊] was able to get up and walk with Wooyoung to the living room, everyone was at the table with their food, and luckily, alcohol.

[🌊] chuckled at the sight. “It’s our first day here and we already have drinks out?”

“Well tomorrow is supposed to be boiling outside, too hot to even be in the ocean. So I figured we can just get loose and use the heat as an excuse not to do anything.” Seonghwa says as he sits down at his chair.

“For how long will this heatwave be in effect?” [🌊] asked. “Few days.”

“Fair enough.”

“Anywho, let's dig in!” Wooyoung says as they start to eat their dinner, wonder what could go wrong?

—-

“What do you mean I made a difficult equation? I failed math!” [🌊] sat there dumbfounded as he stared at a whiteboard that sat in the living room that Jongho had founded while drunk off their ass last night.

“I don’t fucking know, you were the one who did this! I remember you doing this!” Jongho pointed back at the whiteboard. Jongho wanted to drink less last night so he had some memories of last night. “I even took a video of you explaining the whole thing and how it can fuck up the economy.”

Meanwhile, Hongjoong was lying on the couch suffering from the worst headache ever along with Wooyoung and Seonghwa. The others were still asleep.

“You still did it anyway!” “Ya! Shut up! I’m trying to sleep!” San yelled out in the room he was in, and audible smack can be heard in there too, probably Yunho telling him to be quiet.

“Also, I should remind you that Mingi and Yunho tried to recreate some fight scene from some show that I can’t remember but it ended up turning out to be some rugby pileup as the others join in including you, and this was WHILE you were explaining how some idiot can ruin an economy.” “What the fuck…” [🌊] was just speechless at this point, slumping back in his seat.

“Ow! My fucking leg!” Wooyoung says as he pulled his leg out from under [🌊] and tried to kick him, but this man was sore as shit.

“Ya! Don’t do that to your hyung!” Hongjoong slaps Wooyoung gently on the shoulder. Meanwhile Seonghwa fell back asleep, unphased by the others yelling.

“You’re gonna need to go get medicine for all of us y'know?” [🌊] looks at Jongho.

“Didn’t we already bring some?”

“No.”

Jongho lets out a sigh, “Fine, fine, I'll go out right now.” then making his way to the door to get ready.

“Fucking kill me.” Wooyoung groans. “Hush.” [🌊] snaps back at him. “Go get me ice cream hyung.” “...It’s nine AM, why the hell do you want ice cream?”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please?” “No.”

This would continue for another five or so minutes, this is going to be a crazy trip for them.

★・・・・・・★ thank you for reading!

#saps fanfics #x male reader #kpop x male reader #kpop fanfic #fanfics #ateez #ateez x male reader

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etaleah · 1 year

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Absolutely sucks that your blog is ravaged with proshipping apologia. Like yeah enjoying dark subject matter in fiction doesn't mean you condone it IRL (I myself am an avid gore and kink fan and use that to express my feelings in art) but uhhh there's a difference between depicting pedophilia in a story and actively jacking it to child porn which is what most if not all proshippers are trying to justify.

The Venn diagram between proshippers and anime lolicons is a circle. "Ohhh it's not real" yeah sure technically but that's still very much a child being raped on screen you're getting your rocks off to. Being in the second dimension doesn't negate that.

Most proshippers don't actually care about properly depicting complex subject matter in art. They just wanna write their incest rape South Park fics and call anyone who calls them out on it "puritans." (I doubt any of you really understand what that word means. If not liking child porn makes me a puritan then call me the Virgin fucking Mary.) It's all excuses, excuses.

Fiction affects reality more than you think. It's why propaganda is so effective. It's why Jim Crow and minstrelsy was (and still is tbh) so harmful to African Americans. Why do you think POC care about how they're depicted in media so much? It very much influences thinking, how people see the world.

(There is an argument to be made about the rampant racism in fandom, but that's a whole other conversation.)

Don't dismiss this ask. I want you to read it very carefully and get yourself out of the echo chamber you've put yourself in. Consider the points made at the very least. Use the "critical thinking" you claim to love so much.

I have considered the points you made and read them very carefully, and I have found them incorrect, relying on faulty logic, and full of unverified assumptions and false equivalences. I now bring you a full breakdown of exactly why, though I’m putting it under a cut in case anyone wants to avoid the Discourse™ because this breakdown is a long one.

*cracks knuckles* Here we go!

You clearly have a different definition of “proship” than I do. I and those that I have reblogged or liked (as far as I can tell) are “proship” in the sense that we’re arguing for the freedom to read what you want and write what you want because thoughtcrime isn’t real, no one gets hurt inside your head, and the ability to read and write what we wish is vital to a free society. That’s my definition of “proship,” and if you have a different definition and are determined to stick to it, there’s not much I can do about that. I can only tell you what my definition is so that you know what I’m referring to when I talk about it in this post or reblog posts mentioning it.

If you’re referring to what’s on AO3 (which is what I am mainly concerned with, as I don’t talk about other fanfic sites on my blog), that is not child porn. It’s not. The term child porn refers to sexual photos and videos of real children, not text-only stories about fictional ones. AO3 does not allow users to upload videos nor does it allow users to upload photos except for their profile pictures, and it is literally written into their Terms of Service that they do not allow child pornography on their site. You couldn’t put child porn on AO3 if you tried. Text by itself with no photos or videos accompanying it is not child porn, and that’s true no matter how disgusting and immoral you find it. I don’t support or justify child porn because I don’t support or justify real children being hurt, which is what actual child porn involves and requires.

What I do support is the freedom for everyone to read and write what they want, and I am not going to stop supporting that.

How do you know that the people reading or writing a fic are “getting their rocks off to” or “actively jacking it” to what's in it? Did they tell you? Have you developed telepathic powers and read their minds? How do you know that people “don’t actually care about properly depicting complex subject matter in art?” Don’t dismiss those questions, answer them. You don’t know why someone is reading something and you don’t know why someone is writing something. I have no idea whether the person checking Mein Kampf or Birth of a Nation out of a library is a racist who agrees with everything in both works or a scholar doing research for a paper on racism or just an average joe who wants to see what’s in there for themselves and form their own conclusions, which is a perfectly fine and intellectually healthy thing to want. I don’t know which of these is the case and I’m not going to automatically assume the worst-case scenario, nor am I going to demand that the person checking out those works provide me with an explanation because they don’t owe me one. You don’t know why someone is reading or writing a rape or incest story. Maybe they find it sexy or maybe they’re a victim themselves, working through their trauma by expressing it via the written word. You don’t know which one it is, and they don’t owe you an explanation. I’d advise you not to automatically assume the worst-case scenario either.

Because you know what happens when people assume the worst of an author’s intentions and assume they know what a work is doing? You get situations like Isabel Fall’s and Lindsay Ellis’ where people were sure they knew that the former was being transphobic with her short story and that the latter was trivializing rape with her “rape rap.” They were so sure, as sure as you are in your ask, not a doubt in their minds, didn’t think it was possible for there to be any other reason or interpretation, and so they felt totally justified in harassing those women. I’m sure each of them convinced themselves they were doing this because they were an ally who just cared so much and that those authors deserved the hate they were getting because (gasp!) they wrote something bad and if you write something bad, you should expect to be called out. And then they found out—oops! Turns out Isabel Fall was a trans person and not a cis person being transphobic after all, and was actually writing a story about a subject she had plenty of experience with, and—oops! Turns out Lindsay Ellis was an assault victim herself and she was coping with her trauma in the best way she could because making a lighthearted rap about the subject made it more accessible, easier to deal with, and not as scary and she wasn’t making fun of victims after all. Whoops!

How do you know the people writing these fics you find so horrible aren’t doing something similar to Ellis and Fall? How do you know they aren’t victims working through their grief and trauma in a way that helps them? How do you know you’re not misjudging and assuming the worst of them just like Fall’s and Ellis’ haters misjudged and assumed the worst of them? Don’t dismiss those questions, answer them. How do you know?

Why do you get to be the authority who decides what “properly depicting complex subject matter in art” even looks like? Maybe someone else read it and decided it was properly depicted; why does your opinion and interpretation matter more than theirs? Why is yours the correct one? Don’t dismiss those questions, answer them.

I don’t know what anime lolicon is, so I’m not gonna comment on that, though I will say it disproves your point about the Venn diagram being a circle since I am technically a proshipper and yet I don’t even know what that is. I’m sure if you look hard enough, you can probably find someone using the proship label who has done something bad or supports something bad, but the same can be said about antis. You get assholes in every group. Doesn’t mean everyone in the group is a bad person.

(Also I know this isn’t the most important point here but the fact that you’re more worried about the content of South Park fanfics rather than the South Park show itself says to me that you care more about finding an easy target than about minimizing harm because that show has plenty of racist and anti-Semitic “jokes” in it that are being fed to a much larger audience than any fanfic of it could ever have, yet I don’t see you being worried at all about that. Wonder why.)

(Another less important point but one I’m still going to indulge in: I find your line about “if that makes me a puritan then call me the Virgin Mary” funny in an ironic way because in trying to claim that people don’t know what the word puritan means, you proved that you yourself don’t know what it means by implying that puritan = virgin. Puritan and virgin are not the same thing. Virgin is a state of being that could be voluntary or, if you want sex but can’t find anyone to give it to you, it could be involuntary. One could be a virgin and still be sex-positive just like one could be a religious fundamentalist with ten kids who’s had all the sex required to make those ten kids but still be sex-negative and think that only the straight married baby-making kind is okay and all other kinds are impure and gross. Unlike virginity, puritanism is a mindset, not a state of being, and therefore it is always voluntary. You can be one without being the other. Again, not a super important point, but I thought the irony of that line was funny.)

You do know that Jim Crow was a set of laws and policies set down by the government and enforced by police and courts and not, like…a dirty fanfic or book, right? You do know that? It was and still is a legal framework that’s baked into the justice system and has been the driving force behind everything from mass incarceration to drug policy to redlining and housing to voter disenfranchisement. Bitch, I fucking wish that Jim Crow was nothing more than a bad fanfic or a bad story; that would make it a hell of a lot easier to fight! Acting like any one (fan)fiction writer or any one piece of (fan)fiction has the same amount of power as the fucking US government is some insane false equivalence.

As for the representation argument, you’re misunderstanding what that movement is about and why the founders of it cared about the state of media. We Need Diverse Books and organizations like it did not start their campaigns because they were disgusted by what White writers were doing and wanted to stop them and make sure they could never do it again. They started their campaigns to empower and encourage authors of color. It began when a few Black mothers were looking for books for their kids and realized they couldn’t find any with a Black child on the cover, not because they read something a White person wrote and were so horrified by it that they had to put a stop to it. Being so horrified by something in a story that you have to put a stop to it is what Moms for Liberty does. The goal of the representation matters movement is to diversify the publishing industry since it’s still majority White, to publish more authors of color because most of the authors being published are still White, and to update school curriculums so that students of color can read about and study characters like themselves. All of which are good and reasonable goals. It is not and never was about telling people what they were and were not allowed to write or read, or saying that they’re bad people because of what they write or read.

“Influences thinking” and “affecting reality” are not the same as controlling or determining thinking and reality. If fiction really does affect how people see the real world, then why, in a time when we have more positive books/movies/TV shows/plays of and by POC and positive queer books/movies/TV shows/plays than ever before, are we still dealing with vicious racism and homophobia? If fiction influences thinking and affects reality and how people see the world so much, then why, in a time when we have Drag Queen Story Hour and trans characters are being featured positively in popular TV shows and trans actors are winning awards, are we still dealing with some of the worst transphobia we’ve ever seen? Don’t dismiss those questions, answer them.

Fiction doesn’t make things happen. Playing violent video games doesn’t make a person violent. Reading or writing about an immoral act does not mean you agree with, get off to, or are going to do the immoral act. And that’s true regardless of what the immoral act in question is, whether it's gore or kink or rape or incest.

The problem with “you can read/write what you want except for X because X is gross/morally wrong” is that the bigots and mean-spirited folks of the world will find a way to make anything they don’t like into X. That’s the part antis don’t think about. But we’re already seeing it play out in school board meetings.

“We don’t want to ban Maus because it talks about the Holocaust, we want to ban it because uhhh it has pictures of naked prisoners in the camps and therefore it’s pornography.”

“We don’t want to ban Beloved because it talks about slavery, we want to ban it because uhhh it has a slave getting raped in it and therefore it’s pornography and sexually explicit and won’t someone think of the children!”

“We don’t want to ban all of these books because they have Black kids on the covers, we want to ban them because uhhh they’re critical race theory and indoctrination that teaches White kids to hate themselves!”

“We don’t want to keep drag queens out of libraries because we hate them and are transphobic, we want to keep them out of libraries because uhhh they’re sexualizing minors and teaching them to mutilate their genitals!”

Those are real examples. And they will happen to fanfiction too if we’re not careful. Someone doesn’t like Sonadow? Well they’re not against it because they’re homophobic or just don’t like the ship, they’re against it because uhhh it’s pedophilia since Shadow is 50-65 depending on how you count it and Sonic is 15. If it can happen with books, it can happen with fanfiction.

We’ve already seen cases of people running for board positions on AO3 who talked about “cleaning up the site,” and each time it turned out they were homophobic and were very much including queerness in what they considered “dirty.” That’s going to keep happening because antis keep falling for it and getting swept up in a manufactured moral panic without thinking through what the enforcement would be like. The whole reason AO3 has the policies that it does is because these kinds of purges happened regularly on other sites. Every time, people insisted it was “just the bad ones,” “just the immoral ones,” “just the underage ones,” etc. And it never was. And after every purge, there’d be a lot fewer queer love stories in the world.

How are you going to make sure that doesn’t happen again? How will you decide whose definitions of terms like “pedophilia,” “grooming,” “underage,” “sexualizing,” “fetishizing” get used? That’s the part antis never think about, is what enforcement of what they want would actually involve. Some people think “underage” is anyone under 25 or under 20 and some think it’s anyone under 18. Which one is right? Who gets to decide? Which country’s age of consent is the correct one that fanfic writers around the world all have to abide by regardless of where they’re from, and why is that country’s age of consent the correct one? Whose interpretation of a work is the correct one? And whoever ends up making these decisions, how will you stop this decision maker who gets to say what counts as “properly and improperly depicting complex subject matter” and what doesn’t from shifting the goalposts and abusing their power? How will you stop them from applying those negative labels to just any work they don’t like? What checks and balances will be put in place to keep whoever does the fanfiction gatekeeping from abusing that position? Don’t dismiss those questions, answer them. I’ve yet to see an anti have an answer to these questions.

I know propaganda is effective because you’ve fallen for it. The idea that peoples’ ability to read and write what they want must be restricted because Think of the Children™ and because “only bad people would ever want to read/write something bad” is the same talking points used by Moms for Liberty, Ron DeSantis, the people protesting Drag Queen Story Hour, and so many others. Every single time an attempt is made to restrict the freedom to read and write, it is always couched in the paternalistic language of protection, safety, just looking out for kids, and the fearmongering language of “that stuff is freaky, dirty, and gross and only a pervert would ever have a problem with it being banned.” Every time, it is discussed with the language of protection and safety, and every time, it is a lie.

I support the right of everyone to read and write what they want because I don’t know their situation, don’t have the right to demand an explanation of their situation or a detailed account of their very private and personal traumas, and have seen what happens when people try to excuse banning and censorship of written text or harassing authors with the excuses of “it’s just the bad ones,” “we’re just protecting kids,” “we just have a few concerns,” “we’re just being good allies,” and “if I wrote something gross I’d expect to get called out!”

So. Now that I have responded to your points, I hope that you will very carefully read and consider my points at the very least and get out of your echo chamber and use some critical thinking too. The fact that you put the phrase critical thinking in quotes like it’s a fake thing that doesn’t exist instead of a real and very important skill reveals a lot more than I think you meant it to, but still I hope you try.

I’ve disabled anonymous asks because I want to see if you’re brave enough to respond without hiding behind anonymity. I’ll be interested to see if you or anyone who agrees with you actually provides thoughtful, well-reasoned, and well-articulated answers to the questions I’ve asked instead of replying with a thought-terminating ad hominem like “That was a lot of words to say that you’re a [insert bad thing here]!” or “Just say you [insert bad thing here] and go!” And if you can actually provide evidence for your claims, if you can provide non-anecdotal, verifiable studies and data that are not from a religious or rightwing think tank that prove your points about proshipping and proshippers, then I’ll really be impressed.

I’m not holding my breath though.

#anti nonsense #anti censorship #my thoughts #book banning #fandom #ao3

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gallaghersgal · 1 month

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hello everyone! tysm for 1,500 followers, this means so much to me as someone who took almost a YEAR off of writing. the support i get and the friends i've made here mean so much to me! so LET'S CELEBTATE 🎉🎉

celebration masterlist here. looking for my main masterlist? it’s linked up top under "writer" <3

p.s. special shoutouts to my beloved moots at the bottom <3

❀ GENERAL RULES & INFO ❀

you can send in as many requests as you’d like!

if you don’t want spam, block/filter #maggie's 1.5k

it’s not required to be be following @gallaghersgal but it would be appreciated. if this is your first time interacting with my blog, come check me out!

also not required but if you like my content, go check out @carmenberzattosgf @thecapricunt1616 @mouseymilkovich @carmybrainworms and @notsonian they're great writers and even better friends! <33

this blog is NSFW, 18+ only, and so is this celebration! minors will be notified of this, then blocked if they don't unfollow. i'm not mean, i'm just not comfy with you reading my works underage.

anon is on, by sending an anon ask you are telling me you are 18+

my inbox is open now, so feel free to go send in asks!! celebration requests close Friday, August 23rd at midnight!

❀ REQUESTS ❀

send me in a character + prompt for a blurb! i am accepting prompts from this au list, this trope list, this smut list, or this other smut list.

please include the number or prompt, and the list it's from since there's more than one!

for this celebration i will write for any character from shameless, the bear, marvel cinematic universe, daredevil, all star wars trilogies, the mandalorian, and the clone wars. i will also write any of oscar isaac, pedro pascal, or barry keoghan's characters, or any formula one driver.

i will also write sydcarmy 😚🧚🏻‍♀️

i will do my best to write ANY character from the fandoms listed above, i know i have a wide range of followers! however, i am more likely to lean towards requests for the characters listed here.

please limit your request to one to two prompts, or one au/trope + one prompt. i will have a lot to write, so this will help me get your req done quicker!

requests missing a prompt or character will be deleted. general requests not w/o a celebration prompt will be saved for afterwards.

❀ GAMES ❀

send a 💒 + a self description for me to ship you with someone from any of the media listed here. please include the fandom/media you want a ship from, as well as preference for male/female character or of you have no preference.

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send a 🌸 and ask me any question you have about a blurb or fic of mine!

that's all! enjoy the celebration!! sappy shoutouts to my fav pookies below <33

@tinyphantomsalad THE first mutual i made on here that i'm still talking to. the man i run my filthiest porn by, and he doesn't bat an eye. the love and respect for you i have is insane. what are we at now? four years? feels like four hundred. i love u endlessly.

@thelazyhero-ttums the one that's in my corner 24/7. only irl i have on this god forsaken site, bc you're just so so special. how do you think 7th grade maggie with her hand written leo and calypso fanfic feels about 1.5k? thank you for being with me for all of it.

@devils-dares thank you for sticking by my side even with my change in eras!! and for vibe checking so many fics you know nothing about <33 ur a real one pooks

@carmenberzattosgf im thankful all the time that u messaged me first bc how else would i have someone to get up to dm shenanigans and share my ideas with?

@thecapricunt1616 my sweetest capri, i'm so happy we're friends, i love reading your messages and i LOOVEEE your moodboards my queen

@mouseymilkovich ur a real one cause who else is gonna send me 1926284 ethan cutkosky edits? i love hearing all your plot bunnies for speechless, i can't wait to see where you take the series!

@carmybrainworms i hope you're enjoying your time in the ocean, and i'm so glad i brought u over to the dark side with my lip fics. ur the sweetest silliest ever and ilysm

@l4long-winded & @emotionoitme we haven't talked much yet, but i'm so excited to share more ideas with each other! you're both amazing writers who i'm so glad to call my friends

@notsonian u are genuinely the sweetest, i love talking to you about our ideas (esp the mkverse!) and i love love looovveee your fics! keep up the good work <33

#maggie's 1.5k

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notyouraryang0dd3ss · 4 months

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hii, ⏳️ here!! I saw your other asks about how swifties say that taylor could be killed for speaking up, as if other ppl who are not as rich as her aren't facing a lot worse, as if her life matters more, and stuff... and that is just the mindset most, if not all, swifties have. They literally think her life matters more than others.

They use this safety argument for her carbon emissions, too, saying that she could never fly economy she'd get killed 0.001 secs into the airport. She has 2 jets (last I checked, she "quietly" sold one of em and quietly bought another just after). Like. I'm so sure that the safety concern being that big is not true, first off. Secondly, can't she fly in first class?? I might be wrong, obv, but most of the ppl flying in first class are extremely rich ppl and isn't the first class mostly empty cuz no one takes it? Also, she has her entourage of bodyguards, be so fr. Also, it's up to her and her team to find a sustainable solution, not us common folks like tf.

But more importantly, even if it were completely impossible for her to travel in the same plane as us poors, without endangering her safety, swifties basically sound like "taylor swift>lives of other ppl".

Like, the top 1% and companies (which she is also a part of, btw) are mostly responsible for climate issues and global warming. They are also the ONLY ppl who have enough resources to protect themselves from any climate issue they create. They INTENTIONALLY make mistakes, and 90% of the world have to face the consequences. According to swifties, not only is that okay, but the lives of literally 8 billion ppl don't matter. Her's matters more than everyone else's, and thus, to protect taylor swift from possibly getting an inconvenience during her flight, we (and all other creatures on earth) have to pay for it with our lives.

(and before anyone says it's not that deep, it is. global warming, climate change, the state of the literal planet we live on, which is also the ONLY livable planet in the entire universe, IS that deep. It's airport security for her, disease, and death for us)

(also, I'm gonna send the link of the Palestinian woman getting doxxed by swifties once I find it)

-⏳️

I love how Swifties are going full mask off and openly admitting her life matters more than the millions of Palestinians. I understand there are #SwiftiesforPalestine actively posting online and even holding IRL protests, but when we live in this late stage capitalist world, the best protest is to divest, divest, divest, and if swifties continue to purchase her content regardless, then their protests are useless. It’s performative and they want her to perform too.

Well, the private jet controversy is more complicated than what she flies on. A lot of celebrities use private planes, either their own or rented from others, to travel so they can avoid the excess security measures and be spared harassment from public transportation sites.

What is controversial about Taylor Swift’s private jet usage is how excessive and unnecessary she is. She took a 13 minute flight from Cahokia, IL to St. Louis, MO, which would’ve been a 30 minute drive. During her US/North American leg of the tour, she would take red eye flights from tour location to known locations of her purchased homes, such as Beverly Hills, Nashville, Rhode Island (? idk where), instead of staying in a local hotel. Her flight usage is excessive and wasteful and actively endangers us through the CO2 emissions she produces by herself. Like you said: she is actively making us pay for her climate change crimes with our lives.

When New Delhi is experiencing heat waves that are pushing the brink of human survivability, its imperative that now more than ever we resist and push back against uber wealthy individuals Taylor Swift and major CO2 producers ie companies who actively accelerate contribute to irreversible climate change damage.

So yeah, if you’d rather defend the life of one woman who produces 1000x CO2 emissions of the average European, you’re telling everyone that you find the lives of billions of people in the global south, who have no infrastructure in place to protect them from climate change, that you would actively sacrifice their lives for the comfort of someone you don’t even know, and will never care about you.

#swifties are the most racist fanbase ive ever seen and no im not exaggerating #anyways anon thank you sm for sending this in #future anons if youd like to sign off with any emoji and i’ll make you a tag with it #anti taylor swift #ask #notyouraryang0dd3ss #anon #ts: carbon emissions #ts: palestine #anti swifties

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thealogie · 5 months

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Just stumbled into a twitter discussion trying to shade/lowkey cancel DT for joking about playing Kilgrave. In the clip he was asked what he liked about his character and he said: “I just like that people do whatever I tell them to do, it's kind of intoxicating. What's disappointing is when they say cut and everyone starts having their own willpower again". Apparently he should have said that he liked to participate in raising the issues of power and consent, no funny business. Then I remembered that a certain faction of GO fandom says DT and MS can’t joke in character out of character without becoming queerbaiters, and can’t flirt on zoom without actually fucking irl because that would make them homophobic, and we know they’re huge allies ergo they’re fucking. I don’t understand anymore where media illiteracy ends and maybe my own social illiteracy starts… My immediate reaction to all of the above is “aww, they’re so funny and interesting, I wouldn’t be able to be that quick and charming, actors eh?” But maybe I’m wrong and backwards without realizing it?

I can’t even make little off hand jokes on tumblr dot com without getting a minimum of 4 asks or comments that make clear the person is just not getting what I’m saying and I’m literally nobody and no one on an irrelevant site so I can’t even imagine how famous people breathe. I think the only way is for them to really not be on social media

I have to say the Kilgrave joke is only cute if you know DT’s whole vibe. Like if a douchebag actor made that joke it would be 🙄 but because everyone knows he’s the most polite guy who drinks his respect women juice it’s funny

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musclesandhammering · 10 months

Text

Unpopular Phase 4 & 5 Opinions

Quantumania is the worst Phase 4/5 movie. And it wasn’t even because “kang got beat by ants.” (I liked kang in this movie). It’s just that the Spy Kids aesthetic & bad acting & overall weird vibes just weren’t for me.

Love and Thunder is no worse than Ragnarok. I would argue that it’s better in a lot of ways, actually. I really liked it.

Taika Waititi ruined thor with bad humour all the way back in Ragnarok tbh, but y’all weren’t complaining about it then 😒.

BuckySarah is better than sambucky every day of the week.

The Marvels was a good ass movie & they’re one of my favorite teams in the mcu. I’ll never forgive cbm sites & online dudebros for killing the hype from the moment the film was announced.

I adore America Chavez & Kamala Kahn and I want to see them in everything. They must be protected at all costs.

Multiverse of Madness had shitty characterisation & basically just copy-pasted the ‘grief made me go off the deep end & hurt people, then I realised and stopped myself’ storyline from Wandavision… but Wanda was extremely selfish & apathetic to other people’s suffering from the time she was introduced in the mcu. MoM didn’t make her like that.

Wanda should’ve been looking for Vision (her actual real life boyfriend whom she spent years with irl) in MoM instead of the kids that weren’t even real that she spent like a week using as characters in her sitcom.

Making everyone forget Peter Parker wasn’t profound or poetic in any way- it was just frustrating and needlessly cruel.

I’m begging marvel to understand that heroes don’t have to be in constant suffering to be heroic & villains don’t have to sacrifice themselves to achieve redemption. Let characters heal and atone, you absolute weirdos.

What If…? is the most boring show ever. I’d rather watch Secret Invasion or She-Hulk.

Season 2 of Loki is, in a cinematic & artistic sense, the best marvel project period.

Loki season 1 was meh- more of a fun au than anything because his characterisation kinda sucked. Season 2 fixed it, though, and made it way easier for me to incorporate this version of Loki back into the larger mcu.

Having Steve stay in the past with Peggy was stupid af.

I don’t hate Peggy (or Captain Carter), though. I actually think she’s pretty cool.

I don’t really love Steve. He’s arrogant & they never really let him have flaws & something about him being a perfect metaphor for the American military industrial complex (and marvel painting that as a good thing) doesn’t sit right with me.

The Illuminati got done dirty and the only reason they went down so fast was because Wanda had all that plot armor.

I thought the retcon of having Wanda be “destined” to become the Scarlet Witch since birth was an annoying cop-out. Her powers originating from being experimented on with an infinity stone was way more interesting.

Loki & Wanda have almost the exact same powers.

Nebula deserved a bigger rule in killing Thanos & everything else moving forward.

I love Kathryn Newton but her acting as Cassie Lang was the worst acting I’ve ever seen in the mcu, like it was outrageously bad.

I’m glad Sam is the new Captain America and not Bucky.

The fact that Bucky probably isn’t gonna be one of Thee lead characters in the upcoming avengers movies feels sick and twisted.

Secret Invasion was actually passable until the G’iah scene at the end. That ruined it. And Nick Fury deserved way better for his solo series.

Kang is so much more interesting than Doctor Doom. I really hope they just recast him.

Carol Danvers does NOT deserve the hate she gets.

I actually disliked Carol until The Marvels. That movie made me a stan.

The way people treat Monica as Wanda’s little inferior pet creation or smth & then brag about it is uhh very sus.

I don’t like sylvie (bc she’s an amalgamation of 3 different comic characters- which killed any hopes of them appearing individually in the mcu, the creators used her existence to butcher Loki’s genderfluid rep, & she was written poorly) & I HATE sylki (bc it’s weird & unnecessary).

Marvel isn’t dead. I actually love where they’re taking things. But that’s just me.

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sergeifyodorov · 2 months

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please disregard if this isn't for you, and my apologies if that's the case, but if not. hello! i would like your opinion on what would be in the leafs' (or other hockey players if you wish!) scent profiles in the omegaverse

first couple lines of that scared me WHEW ok ok. im not like. an a/b/o Guy as in. like. it's not entirely my thing but ive been known to dabble occasionally if the going's good. that to say i'm taking "scent profile" to mean like. a) what "designation" they have (a/b/o) and b) what like their Smells are. if that's not the commonly accepted meaning of the terms that's ok but it Is the question i am answering

am34: to me in my beautiful world am34 is an omega BUT not in a standard way... he's transgender but re: a/b/o designation not gender. like a/b/o is essentially just a second sex class (there exist in the a/b/o universe 6 "sexes" (not accounting for intersex people in the normal way/intersex people in the a/b/o way): alpha male, alpha female, beta male, beta female, omega male, omega female) and auston is transitioning/has transitioned from alpha to omega. in my mind this works basically the exact same way transitioning does irl, but with different hormones, because obviously a/b/o hormones are diff from m/f hormones!) anyway he would smell similar but different pre- and post-transition: sharp, hot and chemical, like jet fuel and citric acid. eating grapefruit at the airport. it gets sweeter as his transition goes on. lemon slushy by a construction site. they're putting tar on the sidewalk.

mitch marner: mitchy's alpha thru and thru... the leafs uncles do Nawt enjoy this because why isn't he using his ALPHA VIBES to intimidate the other goaltender into sucking... ah well. anywhay... mitch smells animal. sticking your face into a cat. wet dog. wool. locker room, but how you imagine the locker room in gay porn fantasy smells. a little bit of light petrichor when things are getting Really weird.

william nilliam: ALSO alpha. when the leafs drafted am34 ppl were suddenly Weird about this realization there were 3 alphas on the team... were they gonna fight? for a while there was really only the one alpha (phil kessel) and now all of a sudden the big three prospects were all alphas. there was concern! they should trade the little swedish brat! and then auston transitioned and the core was balanced (2 alphas, 2 omegas, and morgan <3) and everyone was like. ok. okay. mitchy and willy (and auston pretransition) were all fun and cool with it they WERE. it's harder now that am34's an omega and they have to regularly resist challenging each other over him but it's all fun and good! they're friends! anyways william nilliam smells like open sky. the wind off the water. wild grasses and night air. ozone.

john tavares: jt has been bonded to his alpha wife since his isles days and understandably as a result he smells Super bonded, but also like leather and rubber and polyester. blue jeans. ironic for mr kombucha man but what can you do

matthew knies: OMEGA !!! two arizona omegas wrow! sidenote for the readers in this a/b/o world a's and o's aren't like. A huge section of the population but they also don't entirely tend to get filtered out of or into the nhl... alphas exist in the nhl at similar or higher rates to the genpop, and omegas at similar or slightly lower rates. if alphas and omegas are each 10-15% of the population (combined 20-30%) that means that there's usually ~4-6 alphas + omegas combined on any given nhl team, give or take a few because percentages don't usually work that way. leafs have 5 alphas (mitch, willy, max, benny, dewar) and 3 omegas (am34, jt, kniesy). kniesy is one of those handful of people who is randomly like super educated about a/b/o biology etc etc. like dude paid attention in sex ed class??? i guess??? he smells a little bit like cheap tequila and a Lot bit like breakfast food, scrambled eggs and that very specific diner toast smell and those maple breakfast sausages. don't forget your orange juice!!

max domi: max is an alpha, like his father. and he smells alpha like his father, salted caramel and bitter coffee and sour apple.

connor dewar: pine tar and unscented soap and smoke and a bloody steak. a lot of people don't always clock him as alpha because he doesn't have the often like. strong or dominant scents of a typical alpha, but he's just a Nervous Guy. get the right omega around him and you WILL be able to tell he's an alpha lol

simon benoit: also coffee like max, but much less of a cheap cup made by someone trying to stay awake and much more of a seven-dollar latte made by someone with a nose ring. a bowl of ramen noodles with the highest spice level they'd let you pick. spring onion. farmer's market in a big city with food you've never seen before.

#asks #trying to evoke imagery here... trying to create a world.#also if this doesn't align with your personal headcanons... lets indulge in a little fiction here my friend. hashtag do what you will #thank u anon!

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maximumkillshot · 10 months

Text

I Won't Lose You- ICLY 7.5

Warnings: Cheater POV, a lot of not nice things are said. Definitely something to think about if you are sensitive to that type of subject matter, cursing, some air of grand diosity,

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Characters: Chris, Seungmin

A/N: So a lot of people have been wondering what Chan has been thinking... Welp... You get what you wish for... even though it ain't pretty. I wanted to punch him writing it. This is after Chris gets banned from the hospital room. Since it is following him and not the reader, I decided to give it a different name, with the annotation being 7.5. Happy anger management people!

ALL THE SKZ IRL ARE CINNAMON ROLLS THIS IS A FICTION- IT'S FAKE.

I Can't Lose you Masterlist-CLICK HERE

Stray Kids Masterlist-CLICK HERE

ALL WORK IS UNDER ME AND MY BLOG. DO NOT TRY TO REPUBLISH OR STEAL MY WORK, AS THAT IS COPYRIGHTED UNDER ME AND IS CONSIDERED COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE.

ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

BEFORE:

Han looked up at Bin, trying to will himself not to cry. The both of you are so sweet, so kind. He could see the weight on Bin’s shoulders, crushing him. He could see it in his head, Bin keeping everything bad from crashing on top of you, his arms outstretched, using his whole body as a shield. Han knew that if it meant keeping you safe, Bin would carry the world. That’s what separated Bin from Chris.

Both may be fond of you. Only one has ever put your safety over everything. Only one ever made you feel heard and seen. Only one ever made you laugh until you cried. Only one would take off work to take care of you when you’re sick. Only one made you understand that there is no priority above you. Only one would calm you with just a touch. Only one truly loves you with their heart and soul. That “only one” was in the bed with you right now.

Han watched, eventually just letting the tears fall as Bin held you saying, “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you, I’m sorry. I love you… I’m so sorry. Don’t leave me.”

That was the first time Changbin had ever let himself say it out loud, “I love you so much it hurts…I Can’t Lose You.”

NOW:

Chan’s POV:

I have never seen Y/N like that. A part of me wants to say that it was something that was a freak accident, that Soo and I were a freak accident. We weren’t. Y/N deserves to know that, to have it acknowledged. I want to scream that I regret it, that I want to take it all back, that I wanted to erase it all. That would be a lie.

You can’t regret something that you actually initiated. I don’t regret what I did. I wanted a release, I got a release. I wanted to feel exhilaration, I got it. What I am sorry for is getting caught. Of course I’d never say this out loud but, the truth is my marriage was a means to an end. She loves me, of course… and I love her… to an extent. I loved it when she would perk up when I came home, or be passed out on the couch, waiting for me to come home. In a lot of ways, Y/N is like a puppy. She would do all the tricks in the book to make me happy. If she was lucky, she’d get rewarded.

There is an even more fucked up part of me that is relieved that she knows. Sneaking around wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was making it look like I was with the boys when I wasn’t. Y/N is so close to the boys it was a pain in the ass, all it would’ve taken was one text and right there my cover would be blown. I know that I can come back from this, though. Soo never held a candle to my wife. I just told Soo whatever she wanted to hear. I made it worth it for her to do what she wanted… what we wanted, who am I kidding, I wanted it.

Everything is still so raw, she’s not really going to leave. I know she told me when we started dating, but I know that I can prove myself to her. She is the type to really believe that everyone is good inherently. It was something that I used to every advantage, if I’m honest. I’m obviously better than Changbin. I make more, I am more level headed… obviously… I am willing to do whatever I need to make sure I get what I want. How could she want anyone else? That’s like trading in a top of the line Ferrari for a beat up 1999 Taurus. Plus, she always gives people second chances. This is all one giant hiccup.

While the rest of the boys and I filed into the elevator, I heard her voice. She was so scared, I couldn’t hear exactly what she was saying, it was so meek, fragile… weak. That’s really the only downside to her. She is weak. Her emotions get the better of her always. Given, what happened would make anyone go crazy, but at the end of the day, she can’t keep control over her emotions. She is the type of person to read a room and follow the tone of the room. She isn’t a trendsetter, a leader. The only reason why the boys are the way that they are is because she is hurt. Something about their “white knight” complexes. Honestly I could puke just thinking about it. While they were playing games, painting, or just practicing on vocal technique, I was ensuring their continued employment. That will never change about her though. She folds under pressure. Like a skeleton with no spine. Sometimes it was exhausting, others amusing; that’s the biggest tell as to her coming back. She has no spine without me. She needs me… just like everyone else.

Knowing the woman Y/N is I knew that for her to be this way, she had to hurt so badly. It ripped my heart out, seeing her finding comfort in another person, almost as much as knowing that I was the one to do all of it to her. It made me look so bad, to everyone. Hearing Changbin call out to Han that she was slipping, I’ve never heard a voice like that before. I’ve never heard screams like hers. I should’ve never tested her, calling our child “it”. She has been trying so hard, comforting me non-stop, that it’ll happen when it’s meant to happen, that she’ll be on top of it. To let me know in the cutest way. Nothing’s more cute than finding out on your third anniversary that your family is going to get bigger.

It hurt me saying that, calling them “it”, that was exactly why I knew it would get the job done. I needed to peel her away from Changbin without touching her, but it worked a little too well. Why was I punsihing her, punishing them? I think the answer to that is simple. I don’t want the attention on me. Which is counterintuitive, given my natural tendencies. Right now, in this moment, I don’t want to be acknowledged. The way that they see me right now threatens everything I worked for, and it looks like everyone chose their side to stand on. Me giving them more of a chance to hate me is only going to make my job down the road harder.

I think some of the boys could tell. I am royally pissed. I got caught, which for one is annoying, but for all of them to take her side? That was infuriating. I spent so long honing them, training them. I always protected them, supported them. It is infuriating to have people that you did everything for to just dismiss you. Why were’nt they comforting me? That child was mine too. Why am I not getting any condolences? Hell, when we had no money to eat, I wouldn’t eat just so the 8 could have something… anything. The days I went to bed starving, the nights I worked around the clock to give them the opportunities that they now take advantage of.

This is how they repay me? Screaming at me left and right, Changbin threatening to kill me, even Felix turned his back. I just fucked a side piece… I mean I know what that caused is on me. That I was responsible for what happened to our child. If I could feel like I was attached I am sure I would’ve been a wreck. Something that was mine being taken away does that to a person like me. One thing is for sure, I truly never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to look bad, hurting her would do that, and so I made sure to tread lightly, my go to’s being, “I know Baby, I’m sorry,” and “What time is it? Shit Baby I’m so sorry.”

That didn’t stop me to wanting to have my own little thing. My own little secret. It was a different type of high that I didn’t know I craved… needed. It’s no doubt that Soo did feel better in bed. I could tell she knew what she was doing. Y/N had no experience before me and that did a wonder for my corruption kink, but after that… It was like pulling teeth. I had to teach her everything, so every time we we’d sleep together I had to act like I liked the fact that she’s so innocent. Which I do, but I also don’t want to have to have a health class every time I wanted to have sex. Soo wasn’t like that. She knew what she was doing. Hmmm… maybe I’ll clean up the house and finish what we started.

In the elevator, no one wanted to say anything. I didn’t want to say anything either, I didn’t want to make anything worse than it is. It’s a unique empty feeling. Y/N would look at me like I hung the moon itself. The feelings that she gave me, I was seen, heard, and loved. Constantly reassured. I can’t live without that validation. The minute I walked out of the elevator I didn’t even look back, all I said was “Take care of her. Do what I didn’t, she needs you. Call me if you need anything.” That made me feel a little better, giving them an order, felt like the last say in a way.

It was Seungmin’s voice that cut through, I heard him stop the elevator with is arm, “That was never a question, we’ve always taken care of her, don’t wait up. We all know you’re not used to being the one waiting for someone. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.” My lip upticked at his comment. Mostly because I didn’t imagine Seungmin to have balls like that and another was that I didn’t have a rebuttal. I always have a rebuttal. He’s right though, I always kept her waiting, not the other way around. It always made me feel important, that she needed me to go to bed well, that she craved to feel me.Yet now I find myself willing to wait an eternity if it meant being able to hold her one more time, to have her cook for me, then to cuddle up and pass out together, all of that shit I see as a waste of time. To think I hate needing someone yet here I am, needing her.

I kept walking after I heard the elevator close. By the time I made it to the car I was trying my hardest not to collapse. My wife was in that hospital, fighting for her life, after I caused her to miscarry, a baby we have been wanting since our first anniversary. I am enraged. I’ve never felt so out of control and it’s driving me crazy. I am always in control. That is the only way that I function. It is something that I pride myself on. Now everything is out of place everyone stepped out of line. All I have to do is get them back in their rightful place… Then we can move on.

I’ve never imagined anyone else as the mother of my children, she is giving enough to focus on them while I work on my career. It’s always been Y/N. That thought was the one that made me slam my door a little too hard. She’s going to come back, she’ll be back. She will have my child, we will be happy… When everyone is in their place.

I tried to distract myself as I went home. It felt like an out of body experience, seeing myself in the rearview mirror, hating the person I saw, just for the sole fact of getting caught. It was such a rookie move. I should’ve known that there was something going on when everyone said they were out for the night. No matter how loud I made the radio, I heard noting but her screams. I wanted to blame someone, get the pain as far away from me as possible, trying to make me out to be the good one. I’m not. The only things I’m good at are music and acting. I could still see the little glances she’d give me, convincing herself that I am just busy. She is so trusting, it honestly baffles me. Just another sign that she’s weak.

I wanted to make it her fault. She shouldn’t be so naive. Seeing Soo disappearing at the same time I am? The way that I couldn’t really look her in the eye for most of last month? She should’ve told me sooner. Maybe if she did that our child would still be here. That’s not even including how I’ve had to keep Soo on a shorter leash than anyone, her face gives so much away. The first time she hung out with us I had to take her to another room and tell her to get it together because she almost started crying in front of Y/N. I know that people will say that’s not fair, What part about anything that I’ve done screamed ‘oh this is reasonable’? None. It’s been so long I’ve been doing this that I don’t even remember how all of this started. Ah I remember now.

I guess a year ago it started off with me venting to Soo. I didn’t know why we weren’t conceiving. We timed out the cycles, we did everything correctly, but still it wasn’t happening. If I told the boys I know I would look weaker for it and I didn’t want Y/N to be even more stressed about getting pregnant. Soo validated my feelings and told me that she was always there for me. That was the first mistake. I should’ve gone to Y/N. After a while it went from talking when I was aggravated to talking daily.

I looked forward to those calls so badly. It felt like a little interaction that was all mine. Making her laugh made me feel like when I used to get Y/N to laugh. The butterflies came soon after that, seeing that I got a form of attention I didn’t realize I was missing. About two months ago she told me that she was seeing me as “not just my friends husband”. That made my heart leap in my chest. I should’ve avoided her like the plague after that, I should’ve gone to my wife, but not only would that make her mad, it’d also make sneaking around harder. I did something worse.

“Good to know it’s not one sided.” I felt the words drip out of my mouth, even recounting it makes me a little excited. I turn onto my street and I heard Soo’s voice in my head, “Chris...” I knew it was wrong, I fucking knew it was, “I know. I know it’s wrong.” Then hearing her say, “What if she finds out?” with a giggle. “We’ll be discreet.”

We met up that night. I wanted to scrub myself head to toe, till my skin bled, making sure her scent was gone completely. It was so thrilling, so different, and I hated that I liked it. I liked it so much I knew I had to do it again, and soon too. Every time I came home Y/N was either passed out on the couch or in our bed. Notes left on the counter full of how much she loves me. I still remember the first one from that same night, “I know how forgetful you get in the studio, made extra of your favorite, it’s in the fridge, missed you-XOXO Y/N/N.” I looked at her form on the couch, clearly trying to stay up to see me. I ran to the bathroom to vomit, it made me anxious. I knew that I was playing with a downgraded version of my wife. If anything went wrong, I’d be left with the dollar store version of Y/N. For some reason that anxiety turned to exhiliration. The longer it went on for, the more comfortable I got of having my cake and eating it too.

She never did anything wrong. I asked for space, she gave me space. I asked for anything and she would do it in a heartbeat. She always wanted me happy and stress free. After a while I made it okay in my head by saying that she wants me to be happy and having both make me happy so it’s okay. I know better, I always knew better.

I always got up too early, that way I didn’t afford myself time to see the person that I love in one of my favorite ways to see her, happy and sleeping. The last few days I gave myself that. Feeling the guilt eat me alive, rightfully so. I felt guilty for putting all of this on the line, putting her on the line, not for her, but what losing her means to me. I’d practice my apology while she slept, “I’m so sorry, I love you.”

If it wasn’t for the boys being there, I could’ve had a better handle on her. I could’ve reiterated that practiced apology over and over. I could’ve kept the control I spent years making, which is really the most fucked up thing about all of this. I was in training for almost 10 fucking years, I finally get the perfect group of people who followed perfectly without question. Then Changbin goes ahead and goes soft for Y/N. She’s gorgeous, I know, she’s funny, and kind, but she was also making Bin step out of line a bit. Every time she was around, he would try to take point, try to be the center of attention. At first I thought that it was Bin trying to be cute. When he asked me how he could ask her out a few months after this started, I felt my stomach drop. She threatened everything I worked for. So I spewed some bullshit to make him question himself a bit more while I figured out what to do.

Some wouldn’t see this as a problem. I am not some. I only let my members have center because I permitted it. If I threw myself in the spotlight always, it would look off. So I made myself into the best, most supportive leader, the leader of the 4th generation, how can you get bigger than that? The perfect wife… Y/N. It was perfect, if I had her, not only would I have more control over Bin, but I’d also have the perfect little family one day. That was when I decided to ask her out after getting her separated enough from Bin. Which wasn’t too hard. There were some unseen snags but overall it was easy. Keeping her is going to be just as easy. When she’s healed. Then everyone will fall back in line.

I pull in to my driveway and go to the door. Once I opened up the door, Bins clothes covered in blood were there, taunting me. I walked further into the house, I looked on the mantle, the picture from our wedding hung there. I remember that day, that gorgeous day. I threw it away. That woman with the most infectious smiles, the woman who’d hold me so close during horror movies. I found myself grabbing that picture, I dragged my finger over her face. I heard her voice, “I love you”, and I collapsed on the floor, right next to the clothes, sobbing, clutching the photo. She was so perfect.

I got so mad at that point. I shouldn’t be crying, SHE ISN’T LEAVING ME. I can fix her just like I fixed everything else around me. My perfect wife, My perfect group, MINE.

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