#everyone point and laugh at the losers with two living parents who just dislike each other

[plumbogs]

hardest part about ts2 fanfiction in my experience is making the whole dead parents thing work because every child and teen premade is just

[goddesswritings]

Sins of Lovers - Colby Brock | Part One

Title: Sins of Lovers – Part One

Pairing: Colby Brock x Reader

Summary: Y/n has had a crush on Colby since middle school and now it’s ten years later when he comes back into her life. He’s back in the most unexpected way and the most unexpected of things happens between the two of them.

Word Count: 4.8 k

Warnings: Cheating parents, divorce, bullying, horrible parenting, moody Colby. 

This is an old fic that I think fits Colby. Enjoy.

MASTERLIST

********

Colby Brock. A guy that had been your crush since eighth grade, when he’d moved to town. There was something about him that called you back to him time and time again. He was a kind soul with a passion for life. He was someone you felt you could get along with.

But his whole attitude changed when the two of you started high school. He quickly became cold and rude. Quickly climbing the social ladder to join ranks with the most popular students in the school. These were the same people who bullied you and your friends.

It should have ended your crush on him, but it didn’t. The crush only seemed to grow as you watched him from afar. You would catch glimpses of the old him from time to time, which gave you hope that he was still in there.

Sophomore year, his attitude worsened, and he grew meaner to the people around him. News got around that his parents had divorced because his dad had been having an affair behind his mother’s back. It was also known she left town and now he was stuck with his father. He began to join in on the bullying, proving his new standing in school. During this time, you still watched him and searched for glimpses of the old Colby. They were becoming far and few.

Junior year, he started dating Paige Marcus, the IT girl of the school. All the boys wanted her and most of the girls wanted to be her. She was your personal tormentor and she had been for years. She’d taken a dislike to you in fourth grade, when you got the lead in the class play that year. That girl hated you more than anyone thought was possible.

It was a real heartbreak the first time you’d seen Colby and Paige walking hand in hand down the hallway. Your smile had faded, and you wanted to just cry. All over a boy who had never taken a notice to you. Especially because you were just some nerdy girl and he was now popular.

One day, you had been late to school, so you had to rush to get to class. As you ran through the hallway to get to class in time. You ran into Colby, literally. You collided hard with his built form, falling onto your ass.

Colby just simply looked down at you and laughed. “You should watch where you’re going, nerd.” He growled when anger flashed through his eyes.

Paige was hanging on his arm and glaring at you, as per usual. “Yeah loser, you really should watch where you’re going. My boyfriend didn’t need to be inconvenienced by you.” What was she? Colby’s parrot?

Paige laughed and kicked my books across the hallway. Colby laughed along with her, and pain flashed through my chest. “There better not be a next time.” He grumbled before stepping over you and walking away with Paige beside him.

Tears welled up in your eyes, misting up your glasses. You had been so embarrassed that day. You’d hoped it would end your crush on him, but it didn’t.

Senior year, Paige set out to personally destroy you at every chance she got. Colby was by her side each time, laughing along with her. That year was absolute hell for you. There was no escape from Paige’s wrath.

The worst day nearly broke you.

It was the middle of January and it had just snowed, making the town a frosty wasteland. There was a fire drill shortly after third period began and everyone was ushered out to the cold.

You stood with your class minding your own business when Paige approached you, dragging you from the other students. You’d struggled against her, not knowing why she had pulled you away.

“What do you want?” You asked while her nails dug into your arm.

“Just teaching you a lesson.” She said as you stopped next to a huge frozen snow bank.

“Why do you have to do this to me, Paige?” You questioned when she stole your glasses from your face. “No, give those back.” You attempted to reach for them, but the blurriness had taken over. As you were about to grab them, she threw them to her friend, Cassie. So you moved to get them from her, but she was keeping you from being able to retrieve them.

“Give me my glasses!” Your voice was loud because you were angry the snickering bitches had stolen them from you.

Suddenly, Cassie dropped them to the ground and stepped on them. A crunch could be heard as she ruined your chance for clear vision.

“Oops, my bad.” Cassie spoke while she continued to wreck your glasses.

“Stop! Why are you doing this?” Tears had begun to gather in your already blurry eyes.

“Oh look, we have a cry baby on our hands.” Paige taunted before pushing you towards the ground.

Your left hand went out to catch you, making contact with the frozen ground before your body weight came crashing down onto it. A sharp pain shot through your wrist, making you cry out as the pain hit. Paige and Cassie were just cracking up the whole time.

The world was blurry around you as you lifted your hand from the ground. Pain radiated through your arm, starting from your wrist.

“What are you guys doing?” A familiar voice cut through the two girls’ laughter. It was Colby and you were afraid he was here to join in on the torture.

“Oh baby, we were just teaching Y/n a lesson.” Paige answered in a supposedly sweet voice, but anyone could hear the venom hidden in her words.

“By breaking her glasses and hurting her?” He suddenly sounded mad.

“It’s just a joke.” Paige tried to sound like it wasn’t as big problem.

“Hurting people isn’t a joke, Paige!” He was yelling now. Then he was beside you, bending down to your level. “Are you okay, Y/n?” You couldn’t really see him all that clearly, but you could tell he was looking at the wrist you were clutching to your chest.

“No, it hurts a lot.” You whimpered as the pain continued to shoot through your arm.

“Okay, let’s get you to the nurse.” He was gentle as he helped you up from the ground.

“Why are you helping her?” Paige was now frustrated.

“She needs help.” He stated as he bent down to pick up your broken glasses from the ground.

“She’s not one of us, Colby, just leave her alone.”

“No, get out of the way.” He pushed by her and Cassie while leading you towards the school. The fire drill was over at this point.

It was quiet between the two of you as he led you through the hallway full of students who were headed back to class.

“Thank you for helping me.” You said to Colby, in a soft voice.

“Don’t mention it. Paige is a bitch a she needs to be put in her place.” He spoke as you walked into the nurses office. Once again, you had seen a glimpse of the old Colby which only proved to you that he was still in there.

You ended up having to go to the hospital, much to your mothers dismay. It was a serious inconvenience for her to leave work to take you to the hospital. She practically yelled the whole drive there. Your broken glasses were another yelling point for her. At the hospital, it was determined your wrist had been broken, which only angered her further. Not that any of it had been your fault, but she claimed you’d been the one to evoke the girls in the first place. Your mother and you weren’t particularly close.

After that incident, Paige and Colby had called it quits and Paige blamed you, of course. The rest of your senior year was pure hell for you, thanks to Paige and her friends.

You were more than happy to get away from there, luckily. You had received a scholarship to a college three hours away and your father’s house was twenty minutes from it, so you stayed with him. College was lonely for you, though. Because you weren’t all that great at making new friends and your father was always away for work, or on vacation with his new wife. A wife who didn’t like you much either.

Throughout it all, your crush on Colby never once faded. You didn’t know if it ever would.

****

10 years from the time you first began to like Colby, you were returning back to your mother’s house. You’d graduated from college and found a job close to her place, and thankfully she was letting you come back. You promised yourself you wouldn’t be there long before you found a place for yourself. You couldn’t help but to feel nervous about being back at her home. It would bring back memories of high school and Colby, but you highly doubted that he still lived in town.

You pulled into your mother’s driveway, staring at the sage green house in front of you. You’d grown up in this house. Your father had once lived in this house with you. The house held so many memories for you. Good and bad.

Sighing, you finally got out of the car and grabbed your bags from the back. You slowly made your way to the front door and let yourself into the house. Immediately, the aroma of cooking food filled your nostrils. Odd. Your mother hated to cook. You put your bags by the stairs and went to the kitchen. You found your mother standing in front of the stove wearing a blue dress. She never wore dresses.

“Hi mom.” You said getting her attention.

She turned around with a huge smile. “Hello honey. How was the drive back?” She had abandoned the stove to pull you into a hug.

“The drive was fine. What are you dressed up for?”

“Oh honey, I’m so excited. I’ve been seeing this man for a few months now and I’ve invited him and his son to dinner to welcome you home.”

This surprised you. Your mother had never successfully dated since your father left her.

“Yes okay, wow. Congrats mom. I look forward to meeting them.” You honestly were.

“I think you will like him, and his son is about your age and just a sweet young man.”

“Well I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you baby. You should go get settled in. They will be here in about an hour.” She then sent you off towards the stairs. The person you were just talking to was definitely not the person she was before you left for college. You purposely didn’t come home to visit all that often because you were afraid of who you would come home to.

After a quick shower, you sat at your counter to do your makeup. You were happy that you no longer had to wear glasses, because two years ago, your dad had gifted you laser surgery as a sorry for never being around. He still wasn’t around after that though, but you learned to expect that from him. After he left, you weren’t really much of a thought in his head.

You decided on a nice purple dress of yours and a pair of flat black booties for your feet and left your room. When you were halfway down the stairs, the doorbell went off.

“Y/n, could you get that?” Your mother asked from the kitchen.

“Yes.” You said, stopping in front of the door.

You flung open the door, instantly panicking as you saw who was on the other side. Colby Brock beside an older man, that must be his father. Your mom was dating his dad.

“Hello, come on in.” You moved out of the way so they could enter the house. Colby’s eyes were glued to you, which sent chills through your body. Oh god, tonight was going to be hell.

Your mother exited the kitchen and pulled Colby’s dad into a kiss. You grimaced and turned away from the scene. “Y/n sweetie, I want you to meet John Brock and his son Colby.” She introduced the men to you.

“I went to high school with Colby.” Colby was way hotter than you remember him being. He was sexy, tall, and muscular. He had this really sexy dyed blue hair upon his head. The man was perfect.

“Oh really? Do you remember her being so clumsy in high school? Her senior year, she broke both her glasses and wrist all in one day.” Your mother’s words made you blush in pure embarrassment.

“If I remember correctly, Y/n had her glasses stolen before she was pushed into a snowbank. So it wasn’t her fault.” Colby defended you, shocking you.

“Oh, looks like you had a friend in high school, Y/n.” You face grew red now.

“I think dinner is done. I’m going to go set the table.” You quickly dismissed yourself and ran off to the kitchen to grab the plates and silverware. You desperately hoped your mom wasn’t going to keep embarrassing you throughout dinner.

You were setting up the plates when your mother entered the room, followed by Colby and his father. You idly wondered if Colby had a girlfriend.  He had to have a girlfriend with how sexy he was.

“Thank you, Y/n. Can you grab the food for us?” She questioned while already being seated next to John.

“I’ll help you.” Colby said while following you into the kitchen. “How are you doing, Y/n?” He questioned.

You pulled the food from the oven and set it on the stove. “I’m alright. Not too thrilled to be back at my moms, but it’s okay.”

“I know what you mean. Living with my dad is hard. But I haven’t seen him much since he’s been seeing your mom.”

You began to put the other food into bowls for the two of you to carry. “How long have they been dating?” Your mother never said a length of time, only that she was dating someone.

“I’m not too sure, but I know it’s been over six months.”

“She kept it a secret from me.” You concluded. To be honest, it hurt that she kept something that big from you.

“My dad is the same, but he’s been that way all my life. I found out about his affair from someone at school. So that should tell you everything you need to know.”

That was rough. “I’m sorry, Colby.”

He just shrugged. “I’m over it now.” But you didn’t know if he was, but you weren’t going to push him.

The both of you carried the food into the dining room, where your mom and his dad were deep in conversation. The two of them looked up when you entered the room. You placed the food onto the table and took your seats, which happened to be right next to each other. Your mom and his dad were on one side and you and Colby were on the other.

You were still in shock that your crush was right here in front of you. You were double shocked that your mom was dating his dad. How in the world did that happen?

“It’s good to have you home, Y/n.” Your mom said as you started to plate the food.

“Thanks mom. It’s good to be home.” You didn’t know how truthful she was being though because the two of you haven’t gotten along for all of your life. She’s blamed you for your dad leaving and treated you like crap for it.

Dinner went on like that, with idle conversation and moments of silence. Truth be told, it was awkward as hell. You kept stealing glances at Colby, to find him pushing his food around before he would glance your way as well. You would always look away while a light blush appeared on your face.

“Alright kids, now that we have finished dinner, we wanted to talk to you about something.” John said once all the plates had been cleared.

“Sure.” Colby said, while you just nodded.

“We wanted to take a family vacation, so we can get to know each other’s family. So we booked a vacation to Boca Raton for a week.” Your mom said catching the two of you off guard.

“Oh, okay. But you know I have a job to start, right?” You stated.

“Yes sweetie, I know your job doesn’t start until next month and we leave in two days.”

“Great.” Colby’s voice was void of emotions. Like you, he wasn’t thrilled about your parents attempts to mesh the families together.

“You don’t sound too thrilled about this, Colby.” John noticed.

“I’m not. I’m being forced to get to know your new girlfriend and her daughter when I would rather not be involved. It’s not going to go anywhere, just liked the rest of them. You will probably cheat again.”

His words were harsh, but you could definitely see where he was coming from. But you couldn’t help but feel he had a dislike for you simply because your mom was dating his dad.

“That’s where you are wrong. I love Susanne and we are going to make this work whether you like it or not.” John was defensive against his moody son.

“Whatever you say. Are we finished here? I have somewhere to be.” He pushed his chair from the table and got up.

“I’m sorry, Sue, I don’t know where he got the attitude from. I promise he will be better on the trip.” You just rolled my eyes and stood up and started gathering the empty plates. Your mother followed John and Colby out while you started to clean up.

You were washing the dishes, when your mother entered the kitchen behind you.

“So Y/n, did you like John?” She questioned while you glanced over at her.

“I don’t know him enough to know whether I do or not.” You said truthfully.

“Well you should like him. He makes me happy and I’m in love with him.”

A sick feeling formed in your stomach.

“How long have you two been dating?” You needed to know how long she kept it a secret from you.

“Ten months.”

“You kept it a secret from me for 10 months!” You raised your voice as the anger took over. You put the sponge down and turned to face her.

“Yes, we didn’t talk much, and I didn’t think it was that big of a thing to keep from you. Besides, you were busy with college and whatever else you were doing at your fathers, I didn’t want to bother you.”

Her excuse was pure bullshit to you. “Save the shitty excuse and admit you didn’t think about telling me.” You growled turning away from her.

“What? No honey, why would you think that. You’re my daughter and you mean a lot to me.”

Once again you faced her, “I mean a lot to you? That’s a fucking lie. You blamed me all my life for my father leaving you, but you didn’t stop to think about that fact that he left me too. You made my life hell because you weren’t happy with yours. What kind of mother does that?”

She just laughed it off. “You’re overexaggerating it. Now finish the dishes, I’m going to relax.” Before you could say another word, she was out the door.

****

Two days later, you were sitting in an airport, with Colby beside you and both your parents in some seats across from you. Both of you were equally unhappy to be here, while both parents acted like lovebirds. It was honestly gross to watch.

“Holy fuck, do they ever stop.” You groaned, taking your eyes away from them.

“Nope, they are constantly all over each other.” Colby stated looking down at his phone. “You seem angry.” He noticed.

“I am.” You grumbled, thinking about the conversation you had with your mother the other day. Like always, she managed to make you feel like shit instead of acknowledging her wrong doings.

“What did she do?” His focus was now strictly on you.

“She didn’t think telling me about her new boyfriend was important. She practically admitted to forgetting I existed once I was out of the house. Growing up with her as my mother was hell and she has never once apologized for the shit she did to me. For years, she blamed me for her and my fathers divorce. I was 4 when they divorced.” You said making sure your voice was low, so she wouldn’t hear it.

Colby was silent for a little while. “That’s horrible. What kind of mother blames their child for a divorce?”

“Mine apparently. Now she wants to suddenly act like it didn’t happen.”

“Well I think that’s bullshit. I can see right through them, you know. They are just using each other for company. My father has never been able to be faithful, every woman he has dated were all just an excuse to have some fun. He also resents my mom for moving on from him and marrying someone whose better to her.”

“That’s fucked.”

“You’re telling me. My father is immune to commitment.”

“We have some fucked up parents.” He nodded and sent a glare to both your parents who were giggling to themselves.

The flight was called shortly after that, so the two of you followed your parents onto the plane. Colby and you were going to be sitting next to complete strangers, while your parents snuggled up together. It was not fun. Your flight was annoying, because the middle-aged man beside you kept checking you out and trying to talk to you, despite you politely telling him you weren’t interested in conversing. It was complete hell.

Arriving in Boca Raton was a godsend because you couldn’t stand being next to this guy anymore. The last half hour of the flight, he spent it trying to guess your name and persuade your number out of you. You were seconds away from punching him, but luckily the plane landed, and you were able to get out of there quickly. Colby sent you a look as you exited the plane, you just grumbled under your breath.

“Well that flight was wonderful, wasn’t it kids?” Your mother asked as John waited for the luggage to come around.

“Fuck no. That was the worst flight I have ever taken.” You said, holding your anger back.

“Oh sweetie, lighten up. We’re on vacation.” Her words sparked even more anger.

“The old guy next to me kept hitting on me and wouldn’t shut the fuck up the whole flight.”

“Watch your language.” Was all she said before she strolled up to stand beside John.

Colby just chuckled from beside you. You sent him a glare and walked away from the group. You didn’t want to be here with them. You didn’t want to spend a whole week with your mom and her boyfriend that you knew nothing about. You didn’t want to spend the whole week pining over Colby when you knew he would never like you the way you liked him. He and you were still in completely different circles and he liked his women blonde and gorgeous. You were anything but that. Okay maybe you’re pretty, but you still thought of yourself as the nerd from high school and you didn’t doubt he did as well.

John and your mother ushered all of you to a rental car, and you were off to the hotel. Colby and you were in the back, silently sitting beside each other. He was on his phone, probably talking to a girlfriend or something.

“Oh, I almost forgot. John upgraded his and I’s room to a suite, but you and Colby will be sharing a regular room.” Your mother said with a huge smile on her face.

“That’s great.” Colby grumbled from beside you, voicing your thoughts out loud.

“Don’t sound so sad. It will be good for you to get to know each other.” John stated sternly, showing authority over Colby.

“Sure, whatever.” Colby said under his breath. you hid your smirk from his words. He nudged your side when he saw that.

You were nervous as hell now. You would be sharing a room with Colby. The man you’ve had a crush on for nearly 10 years. This was going to be one hell of an experience; you were sure of it.

The car pulled up to the hotel, which was this huge building that looked like it had been here for a while. It was beautiful and right on the beach as well. It was surely a resort and perhaps it wouldn’t be a horrible place to stay. But your nerves were still on edge about this whole vacation. Your moms attachment to Colby’s dad scared you.

Colby and you were given the keycards to the room before your parents left both of you alone to fend for yourselves. Honestly, their behavior was disgusting to you.

“Let’s get to our room I guess.” Colby grumbled, picking up his suitcase and heading towards the elevators in the opposite direction of where our parents had gone. You quickly grabbed yours and followed after him.

The two of you stepped into a gold-plated elevator and he hit the eighth floor, where your room was located. You felt like he was resenting you, because he would have to spend the whole week with you.

“I’m sorry that you have to stay with me.” You mumbled as the elevator moved up floor by floor.

The angry scowl left his face as he glanced towards you. “No, I don’t mind staying with you. I’m mad at our parents for just springing all of this onto us last minute.”

You let out a sigh of relief when he said this. You really thought he hated you or something.

“Oh, I thought you hated me.” You admitted while looking towards the carpeted floor of the elevator.

“I don’t hate you, Y/n. I haven’t ever really hated you, even when I was dating Paige.” His words surprised you.

“Really? Then why was I treated like crap when you dated her?” There was no way he didn’t hate you then.

“Because Paige was always a huge bitch and blackmailed me into treating you that way.”

“Oh, well it’s okay then.”

He shook his head. “It’s not okay at all really. I should have never done some of the things I have done. But I was horrible in high school after my parents’ divorce.”

“Well it’s good to know you didn’t and don’t hate me. Also, don’t blame yourself for the way you acted as a result of the divorce. It was traumatic to you and you only did what helped you feel better.”

“I guess so. I wish I could take so much back.”

“That’s impossible, but you can continue to be a better person from now into the future.” It wasn’t good that he was beating himself up over the past.

He sent you a kind smile. “You’re right. Thank you for that, Y/n.”

You sent him a smile as well. “No problem. Now, should we get this vacation started?” You questioned as the two of you stopped in front of the door to the room.

Colby opened the door and the two of you entered the room. It was a surprisingly nice room for it being a regular room. There was two queen sized beds, covered in crème sheets and comfy looking pillows. There was a decently sized sitting area with a nice flat screen TV. The bathroom was gorgeous, with a huge, jetted tub and a beautiful walk-in shower. The best part was the private balcony we had that overlooked the beautiful blue ocean. Staying here wasn’t going to be so bad.

“This is way nicer than I expected.” He spoke your thoughts.

“Yes, I agree. But this is an upscale hotel.” You stated as you set your bags down on one of the two beds. The beds looked so comfy, you wanted to just take a nap at the moment.

“True.” He answered when his phone went off. He was silent as he checked it. “Our parents want us to meet up in the Lobby at 7 for dinner.” His voice was flat when he mentioned the parents.

“Oh great. Well, that means there’s time for a nap.” You moved your bags from the bed and pulled your shoes off. You pulled back the covers and got into the comfy bed. Your body was in bliss the minute you laid down on the bed. It was absolutely perfect. Your eyes grew heavy as soon as your head hit the pillow. The nap was much needed.

PART TWO >>

[hallelujah-lockandload]

Sweet Venom 2

Here is a link to the first chapter on here

The Wattpad link that has more chapters. I take a while to post here since AO3 and Wattpad give me more feedback :c

The first three days of school went by fast which is nice. Now it's Friday which means sleepover with Mikey! It's something we’ve always done the first week of school but also because we are literally best friends and my parents don’t care enough to realize I’ve slept over his house multiple times. The Way’s mom is always really sweet and makes us leave the door open cause we’re “teenagers and teenagers are horny”. She didn’t say that to us but I already know that's what she thinks and I’m also the only girl allowed to stay the night at all at their house unless it's a group sleepover.

I got up as usual and dressed in some black bottoms today and a smashing pumpkins tee. Walking down stairs to an empty kitchen is always nice, it means I get to take my time and actually be somewhere in peace that isn’t my room. I got breakfast ready and sat at the table scrolling through my phone texting Mikey.

y/n/n: Sup loser.

Mikey: morning punk. 

    u excited for tonight?!

y/n/n: OF fuckin course!! 

    Watchin movies and complaining and catching up

    Even though i see you all the time

Mikey: I still look forward to our yearly first week of school Shit Talk Sleepover

y/n/n: SAaaammme!

Mikey: Gotta watch some shitty hs movie this time

cause its your last first week shit talk

y/n/n: I don’t know mikes I still got college and youll be a senior

Mikey: tru

As I ready Mikey’s “tru” I finish my breakfast and then head up stairs to finish getting ready. I put on my usual makeup and brushed my teeth. My hair looks decent so I’m leaving it, no one will tell I didn’t brush it unless they run their fingers through it so whatever. As I reach the bottom of the stairs I hear a car honk outside my house. I go to the door and peek out and there’s Mikey and Gerard to pick me up. I wave and go grab my shoes and check my phone to see if Mikey said they were coming at all cause I didn’t think they'd be here. 

Mikey: we be picking u up early loser. (timestamp 5 minutes ago)

Of course the one time I don't check my phone so they have to wait a few minutes for me to tie my hightops and grab my bag. I lock the door as I close it behind me and head to the back seat of Gerard’s kind of beat up black Corolla. It's an older used car but it works for getting us all places. 

“Morning guys” I say, throwing my backpack into the back seat and stepping in.

“Morning y/n/n. You were late” Mikey said while Gerard just hummed in response to my greeting. I closed the door and off we went.

“Yeah well I didn’t see your text jerk” I said hitting Mikey’s shoulder lightly. It's too early for being rough. Mikey just laughed and we rode in silence to the school with Gerard’s playlist coming through the speakers.

~ 

The school day passed slower today than the last few. Probably because I was excited for the sleepover tonight with Mikey. I looked over at him in math and it seemed like he felt the same way. Once classes were out for the day I went to grab my stuff from my locker.

“Hey cutie” I turned to look at Patrick.

“Where’ve you been all day, jerk?” I laughed as I pushed him away from me. 

“Places…” He smirked turning to lean against the lockers. “Mostly hiding from Carry which meant I couldn't hang with you cause I knew she would look for me there.”

“Dude.” I said staring at him.

“I know, I know. I just need to find her a new boy to crush over”

“Fast,” I added, closing my locker.

“Hey guys!” I turned to see Pete and Mikey heading our way. 

I leaned over to Patrick, “I'd say point out Pete to her but that would just be cruel.” I laughed and so did he.

“What are you two idiots giggling about?” Pete said, stopping next to us.

“Nothing.” Patrick and I said together. We looked at eachother and just cracked up even more. 

“Ugh” Pete groaned and turned to Mikey, “Control your bestfriend.”

“You first” Mikey responded with a smirk. 

Pete rolled his eyes, “Lets get the fuck out of here, schools been out for like 10 minutes.”

“Oh that's so long” I said sarcastically as I fixed my backpack on my shoulder.

“Shut up.” Pete said smiling as we started to head out of the hallway and make our way to the front of the school. 

“Hey Mikey how's operation Sweet Poison going?” Patrick said over my head.

“I’m working on it.” Mikey mumbled giving Patrick a glare.

“Oooooh! What's Sweet Poison?! Let me help!” I said turning to Mikey.

“You can’t help cutie, it's a secret” Patrick said next to me.

“Yuup. Only us boys get to know” Pete said. I glared at Mikey who was looking everywhere but me. Looks like I’ve got some secrets to get out of Mikey now. Mikey keeping a secret from me is new and only a bit concerning. 

“Alright,” I said, shrugging and turning back around, “Keep your secrets. I’ll just assume it's about your crush then.” I smirked as I walked over to the cars seeing Gerard leaning on the hood of his car talking to Frank and Ray.

“Do not,” Mikey rushed up behind me.

“Yeah it's actually not concerning Mikey’s crush for once. Plus isn't that one called operation Heart Eyes?” Patrick said.

“Oh yeah!” Pete nearly shouted, “Fuckin forgot about that. Gotta get moving on plans for that.” Mikey’s face was turning red, which is ahh sweet revenge for keeping me out of the loop.

“Hey guys” Ray said, waving as we got to Gerard’s car.

“Sup Toro-saurus” I smiled at him as he pulled me into a side hug laughing at my usual greeting. 

“So any plans for tonight?” Pete asked the group.

Frank and Ray had a consensual nope and Gerard said sort of. But question? How do you sort of have plans? That's so weird but no one questions it. Patrick says how his only plan is to come up with a plan to get rid of his ex-girlfriend Carry. We all laughed at him but also gave sympathy cause who knew she was the obsessive type? 

“Y/n and I are having our annual first week of school shit talk sleepover” Mikey said.

“We are going to roast all of you behind your backs” I added with a smirk.

“Thats so fuckin rude” Pete said knocking his shoulder against me chuckling. The others laughed lightly too. We chatted for a little while longer before everyone was sick of being on campus and there was almost no line of cars trying to leave the campus. We said our goodbyes and parted ways. 

“You guys can drop me off at my house and I’ll walk over later. I gotta pack for tonight and make sure my parents remembered.” I said as we drove back to our houses. Thankfully Mikey only lives like a five minute walk from my house so I never feel weird walking there even at night. 

“Okay” Mikey said. Gerard just hums and continues to drive. He never talks to me much. I literally have no clue what happened to make him not like me. We have been in the same grade since like 6th grade, I mean he’s older than me cause he got held back in like elementary school but Mikey and I are 90% sure its cause he didn’t want to leave Mikey behind. Which is actually really sweet. But Still! Why the hate? Or dislike. Whatever it is, it kind of makes me sad because we probably could be awesome friends like Mikey says. One day I’m going to figure it out. Or like ask Mikey what the fuck is up. But its not at the top of the to do list just yet. I’m fine with the awkward ignoring for now. Well I mean… for the past 3 years. This will be 4 if things don’t change.

We pull up to my house and I thank them both for the ride, “What time am I coming over Mikes?” I say before closing the door.

“Uuhhhhh idk 7?” Mikey said looking over his shoulder at me.

“Did you just say idk out loud?” I ask him, chuckling with a smirk.

“Shut up. See you later bye.” Mikey says turning around. I laugh and say bye again then close the car door. I walk up the steps, unlock the door and turn around and wave at the boys goodbye to signal I am safe and can get in my home. They always wait to make sure I’m safe, Mikey is a good friend.  As I step in I drop my backpack on the table by the door and kick my shoes off before heading to the kitchen to get a snack. I plop down in a chair as I eat some dried fruit and sip at my water while sending a text to my mom telling her I was having a sleepover tonight. 

Mom: Okay. Be safe. Love you.

Y/N: I will. Love you too.

I put my phone down to finish my snack and think about what movie I wanted to make Mikey watch tonight. Maybe Carrie, I mean it's fitting since Patrick was talking about his ex Carry. Or maybe Mean Girls cause it's a classic. Maybe even High School Musical just to fuck with Mikey. We shall see. I smirk to myself thinking of how mean I’m feeling like being to Mikey. I mean he is keeping a secret from me soo.

Once my snack is done I head upstairs to change into more comfy clothes for the day. But I kinda realize I should shower first cause school is fricken gross. So I grab a pair of black leggings and a baseball tee cause uhh no one needs to see my butt thanks, even if it is just Mikey and Gerard. I spend probably too long in the shower singing and just enjoying the heat but it's not like I don’t have the time. After I get out I brush out my wet hair and throw it back up in a dry towel to help get more moisture out. (real tip right there, double towel dry) I pull on my clothes and head out of the bathroom back to my room. I grab a bag from my closet for sleepovers and pack some pjs, an oversized New Jersey Devils shirt and a pair of shorts along with a pair of pants cause sometimes Mikey’s room is a fricken ice box. Then I grab some shorts and a shirt for the next day just in case we decide to get dressed and go somewhere. 

After I finish packing I head back to the now aired out bathroom to dry my hair and put some much needed moisturizer on my face. No makeup cause it's Mikey and we’ve seen the worst of each other in the past that I don’t ever feel pressured to wear makeup around him. Plus my skin has been looking nice lately. I head back to my room and throw myself onto my bed. The clock next to me reads 4:15, I’ve got enough time to try and take a nap so I can stay awake later tonight. I set an alarm on my phone for 6:15 since I know I might just end up watching tv or playing on my phone but I need to make sure to eat a snack because pizza probably won't happen till 8. I lay down, put on some calming music before setting my phone down and closing my eyes for a bit. 

~

The sound of chimes wake me up. Where the heck am I? What time is it? I look around and realize I’m still in my room. Damn I actually fell asleep, who knew I could nap? I turn off my alarm and slowly pull myself up out of bed. I rub my eyes and grab my bag and some socks to bring down stairs with me so I don’t have to come back up after my snack. I walk down the stairs to a semi dark house. The sun is going down and neither of my parents are home. Cool. I turn the porch light on and drop my bag and socks off at the front door before heading to the kitchen for some snackage. 

y/n/n: we still good for 7??

I text Mikey to double check. Sometimes he forgets when we are supposed to hang out and goes to do something before realizing he’s now late for our hang out. I grab a pb and j sandwich from the fridge and sit on my phone for a bit as I chill down stairs. I check the time after my second pb and j… they are so good I can’t just have one! It’s 6:50 which means I’m allowed to go over and bother Mikey early. I check my phone and still no reply so I send a quick text letting him know that I’m on my way. 

Grabbing my socks and shoes I sit on the floor by my bag taking my time just in case Mikey says not to go over yet. Once my black vans are on I stand up grabbing my bag and keys and checking my phone one more time. It's 6:53 and still no response so I’m heading over anyway so I can bug him. I head out my door, locking it behind me and taking a shortcut through my grass to the side walk. It's only a five minute walk and the sun is setting so it's still nicely lit, plus our neighbors usually stay inside at this time cause it's like family dinner time. I head to the Way house and check my phone at least three more times but still nothing. What a bitch. I think at Mikey, if only telepathy worked with us. Coming up on the Way residence I see the down stairs lights on but Mikey’s light isn’t on in his room. He better be downstairs and not out of the house right now. 

I knock on the door but there is no answer which means Mikey isn’t downstairs or he has headphones on again. I use my spare key, Thank you Mrs. Way, and open the front door.

“Honey I’m home” I say sarcastically as I close the door. Still nothing. I peek around into the living room and no one is there. Odd cause the lights are on. The Way parents are out at dinner at the moment with some clients or something is what Mikey told me during Music Theory today. Next I head to the kitchen but still nothing. I head over to the staircase to go find Mikey upstairs.

CRASH

I jump at the sudden sound nearly dropping my phone, my heart racing and I have to take a moment tocatch my breath. I look toward the basement door that leads to Gerards room. I hope he’s alright. I look back up the stairs and  the nonexistent light of Mikey’s bedroom. Mikey’s light wasn’t on, maybe he’s with Gerard in the basement and they are just messing around. I leave my bag at the bottom of the stairs and kick my shoes off too before heading to the basement door. Why are basements always so creepy? Or is it cause no one is up here that it makes it worse than usual. I’ve been in Gerard’s room before but only to borrow comics and Mikey took me down there. I open the door and listen for a moment before doing anything. There’s just silence and if I didn’t know this house as good as my own I would be feeling way more scared but I still feel like I’m in a horror movie right now. I open my phone up and dial 911 just in case I’m about to be fucking murdered in my best friends basement. 

The lights are on down there which is better than anything else so I start to head down the stairs slowly. As I make it down the stairs I scan the room for the boys hoping they are just fucking with me and are trying to scare me. Reaching the bottom step I look around and notice a person laying on the floor by the open window. 

“Oh shit! Gerard?!” I ran over to him once I recognized his black greasy hair. He’s slumped on his side and groans as I approach him. “Are you okay?” I reach out and grab his shoulder turning him to lay on his back so I can see his face better. I suck in a breath as I notice blood dripping down his chin and also the dark stain at the top of his blue sweatshirt which is probably more blood. 

“Oh fuck!” I jump up and run to his bathroom grabbing a towel and running back crashing down next to him to stop the bleeding wherever the hell it's coming from as fast as I can. I press the towel gently to his face to try and wipe away some blood when his eyes snap open. Oh shit. In an instant I’m on my back, wind knocked out of me and towel still in my left hand with Gerard pinning my arms to the side of me while hovering over me with red eyes.

[dredreadsdrawing]

Oc-tober Day 13: Future

........... Yall ready for a bigass story dump? Oh boi. Here we go..... (also bonus points and possibly a free sketch will be given to whoever guesses what this story was originally a fanfic of ;p) Again, hate these sketches but im short on time for these posts lol and my pen tablet broke. No more pen pressure, the lines come thick and round always now. big oof.

This story is set in an apocalyptic future.

Small note, i had written originally written half of this in a post, it crashed and didn’t save, so i rewrote it and it became more detailed and uh. im basically like. almost halfway through the fuckin story so..... please enjoy? :,3 I tried going full but its so much plz i cant ah i already have two other oc-tober prompts to complete ;o;

I would also like to specify that uuh this story situation is something I need to work out the kinks for lol. Definitely. Buuuut this is all I have for now XD please take it with a grain of salt. Oke here story:

-        First and foremost, make no mistake, the Yellow and Pink siblings are the main characters. I haven’t fleshed out the others as much as I have these two because of this.

-        It starts with Yellow and Blue. Friends since before they could walk. Their parents were already friends, so it was only natural. Pink was born once they finally hit school, and she grew up seeing Blue as a second brother figure. He was clearly a part of the family.

-        As time went on, though, these familial feelings were turning into something else. Yellow was hit with the realization that he liked his best friend. More than that, he was head over heels in love. But there were lots of problems with this.

-        For one, as soon as he realized his feelings, Blue had made it big in the newest gaming scene. The newest consoles had yet to be mastered, but he pioneered it, creating the first high scores, and charming the onlookers with his commentary as he did so. The rest of the bunker took him in as a new young celebrity.

-        Another big problem was, of course, how close they already were. ‘Brothers’ this, and ‘siblings’ that. The world already saw them as having this relationship, Yellow himself has told them before that Blue was this to him. But now he wasn’t. Yellow could die from embarrassment and shame.

-        And no matter how hard he tried following behind Blue, Yellow just isn’t as gifted; neither on screen nor with his people skills. Yellow does well enough to be a part of the top, but he never stands out. He doesn’t feel special enough.

-        Meanwhile, Orange and Pink are the best of friends. When Pink was little and saw how well her brother got along with Blue, she felt she wanted something like that too. She found her match at school, with the shy and quiet Orange. She was always nervous, but when she opened up, Pink found her to be clever, quick witted and sarcastic. She was a blast. They were inseparable babies, and quickly, they made a promise.

-        It started with Pink proposing to Orange. She liked her! They should clearly get married! But Orange wasn’t so quick to agree. Marriage is such a big commitment! Her mom would never allow it! So they compromised. No matter their future, they’d live close together. They’d always be together.

-        Even as Orange’s older sister took a dislike to Pink’s rowdiness.

-        As time went on, and puberty hit, some things came to light. Pink was very much into girls, in very explicit ways. Orange was…. Not. Nothing explicit for her, thank you very much. Through teenhood, the two kept their strong friendship, though, and always comforted one another. Lots of Pink’s girlfriends ended up jealous of Orange, but Pink would stop them at their tracks. Orange would always be a part of her life. If they don’t get along with her, there’s no point keeping a relationship that doesn’t recognize this.

-        Moving onto the plot, here it is. Everyone is already an adult, Pink and Orange being the youngest. There is a prestigious event that’s going to happen; the launch of the newest console that will feel the most life-like. To celebrate this launch, seven players will be chosen through competitions, and they’ll get to play the first quest in a livestream. It’ll take them three days.

-        Competitions come and most people that were already suspected to be chosen make it. With two surprises. Yellow, who barely got top due to pure luck. And White who… well, Orange is the best medic, hands down. Everyone knows she knows her strategies and most effective ways to save the group. She’s effective. Always where she needs to be. And yet, even though she got the highest score, she’s been pushed aside and her place in the team was given to White. Everyone screams malarky.

-        Pink is pissed for her friend. She was going to have a great time with her in the game! They would be pioneers together! Orange calms her down. Pink should have fun without her, it’s not a big deal. Orange still has her high scores, and she can keep her notoriety. This won’t affect them in the long run. Pink relents but isn’t happy. She hates White and sees him as a prissy elitist. As they go to get lunch, they pass Red. Pink casually invites her to eat with them. Red says she’s busy. Pink is disappointed and Orange laughs. Pink’s got her eyes on Red. If she can’t spend her time with her friend, she’ll be spending it getting closer to her instead…

-        Orange goes home and mopes in secret. She stayed calm for Pink’s sake but she’s really taken this loss hard. She needed to make a break in her record. Have a flashy accomplishment. And it was stolen from her. Her older sister comes in. She’s the head of coding for this new game. Orange mopes around her, begging for her to let her in, or to at least tell her why she didn’t make it. Her sister keeps her lips shut. But. She does concede that it was unfair. She prepares Orange’s favorite dinner and bought her favorite dessert. Orange smiles at the heartfelt show of sympathy and doesn’t bring it up again. Whatever it was that happened, it wasn’t her sister’s fault.

-        White is from a legacy of high-rankers. They’ve always kept their marks perfect, and drilled perfection into their kids. IF there wasn’t a white player in a prestigious event, they had failed. Out of the newest generation’s three, White is the youngest and…. The least skilled. They try! They’ve worked so hard all their life, but their reflexes aren’t as polished no matter how hard they focus. They just can’t be better than Orange, the true best medic. Before the tournament, he had become depressed. He didn’t even want to try out for it, knowing what would happen. But he ran into Red, an old acquaintance from past games, who picked up on how red his eyes were. She treated him to a warm drink. She let him vent. She showed genuine concern, and was gentle as she reassured him she knew his worth. He’s always been a great partner in the games she’s played with him. She knows he’d be a great addition to the team if he makes this. With her words of confidence, he’s flushed. A renown sense of hope…. And a new attraction makes him try harder. He competes. He pushes and pushes to save his teammates. But he’s just not as effective or calculative and Orange gets the big win save for hers. She won, fair and square. But when they present the awards…. It’s White they call out. He’s…. floored. He didn’t win. Why was he getting into the group?

-        He accepts the award. He’s not happy about it, but… it’s all he can do. He asks his family what strings they pulled. They never give him an answer. They don’t even congratulate him or leave any messages as he prepares to stream. He’s left alone to face the wrath of the people who knew Orange deserved his place, her best friend Pink at the forefront. To treat him like the petty sore loser he didn’t want to be. He slapped himself. He can’t let them win. He’ll do it. Red believed in him. He’ll show them what he’s made of with this game! He won’t die. And… he notices the looks Pink is giving Red. He doesn’t like that. He’s going to get closer to Red for sure. He knows he stands no chance with her… but he wants to be someone she opens up to too. And she may not like him romantically, but Pink is in no way someone who deserves her attention. With how brash, rude and self-centered she is? White hates her. They’re going to keep butting heads.

-        Yellow and Blue practice together nonstop. They are in sync, years of getting to know each other’s play style has them adept to being a team. After beating a favorite of theirs, they go out to celebrate. On the way there, Blue keeps being stopped to be congratulated. No one congratulates Yellow. Not that he minds… he doesn’t do well under the spotlight. But… as they sit down to eat, Yellow’s concerns bubble up. After a few drinks, he comes clean. He’s not sure he deserves to be a part of the team. It was pure luck that he barely scraped by and got the most points. He doesn’t even remember what he did to get them. Blue pats his shoulder, and shakes him. He reassures him its only his insecurities making him feel like this. Yellow deserves to be there. And he won’t be alone. Blue will always have his back. Yellow smiles and they have a good time the rest of the night.

-        After a month of preparation, presentations, and practice, it’s finally time. They wave to everyone as they step into the room that will start their procedure. They’ll be knocked out, have their bodies connected to the game, and awaken in it.

-        They’re up. They’re in a metal chamber. They’ve already got their armor suits on, and their weapons are right beside them. It’s a survival game set in what the upper world would look like. They must treat this as real life. Supplies are provided; this is just a trial of the game. The setting isn’t on difficult. Their main focus is to not die, and to get to the end of this delivery mission. They’ll send a note to a sanctuary, the path already set, and it should only take them three days tops. Easy enough. They leave the chamber and take in the view outside, blinking at the harsh morning light. Their livestream begins, their helmets broadcasting what they see.

-        The world is a dump. Nice graphics though. They step out and thus begins the journey. From this point forward, I’ll just mildly explain some events. Some will be more detailed than others cuz this is all a haze.

-        First, as they walk around, they catch the attention of people in cars. Their first bad guys. The bad guys don’t stand a chance against them, and retreat. Red is cautious of them coming back.

-        They stop when they reach an abandoned house, no neighbor houses anywhere. It looks so normal. They step inside and, though decrepit, everything looks ok. Until they reach the basement. An underground lab. Years of gaming has made them apprehensive. They can’t understand what’s going on but this doesn’t look good.

-        Before they can find logs on an old computer, the bad guys they fought before indeed burst through with reinforcements. It’s a close battle, and most of the lab is destroyed in the process. The team beats most of them as one drops a light. The building is set on fire. The team runs away, but Green dropped her gun. Black can’t let them go empty-handed, he leaves his sniper with her and goes back to get it. The fire reaches the lab, to the gas storage and the house explodes while he’s inside. Black is out of the game.

-        Green is miffed. He died so early, and for such a dumb reason! They told him not to go in!! Everyone crowds around them. He’ll be ok, they can yell at him when they win the game. They are comforted by that fact, but still, this loss is taking a toll immediately. They were supposed to be seven and now they are six. So they really will just die and not respawn. For now, they need to continue.

-        The team move forward a bit more but stop to rest for the night once they reach an old city. Red just lost her second in command. She needs someone else to fill in. Pink and White go hard trying to impress her all night. Their stumbling and forcefulness leaves Red more exasperated. She ultimately chooses Blue instead.

-        Where before, Yellow and Blue would be goofing off together, now he has to stay beside Red and help her be vigilant and strategize. Yellow feels a bit left behind again, but Blue reassures it’s only temporary. For them to win the game.

-        They take a rest in an old mattress shop. Perfect for their sleep. They take turns being on watch, not taking off their suits. They were told to keep them on at all times. For safety reasons. And the slight discomfort they felt sleeping with them wasn’t unbearable. It was a calm enough night.

 ~~~

-        A shift in perspective to Orange, she’s been watching the livestream nonstop from the comfort of her home. She checks the media (idk technology I guess these phones just work within their space? Underground? Lolol man idk XD sorry) and everyone is sad about Black being the first to go. Somewhat meanly, people start callously saying Yellow or White should’ve died first.

-        The question pops up. When will they be seeing Black? Now that he’s out of the game, he should be returning. No answer from the game manufacturers. Radio silence.

-        Her sister comes home late that day. She looks frantic and doesn’t even tell Orange hello. She goes straight to the kitchen, picks up a container, and packs in food. She does this when she’s staying the night at the office. Orange is concerned. She asks about Black’s return. Her sister flinches. She stops. After a few, quiet moments, she shakily confesses.

-        “He’s…. dead.”

-        It’s all over the media the next day. There was a malfunction in the game machine. There is a risk of the players dying in real life if they die in game. They just lost Black. Everyone is horrified and outraged. The government tries to reassure the public. They are looking into it. They will bring justice. Orange is beyond worried for everyone, but particularly Pink. She should’ve been there. She wouldn’t let them die. But here, at the Bunker, there’s nothing she can do. Only watch and hope.

~~~~~~~~~

-        Two days left. They’re doing well on time. Their map is a general one, only showing the straight line they need to take. No small details or markers to be had. Pink and White are still at each other’s throats, blaming the other for not getting the position beside Red. A scuffle comes to them. Not the same bad guys, new ones. More sophisticated ones. They aim for their heads, and shout insults at them. Calling them ‘Bomberbees’.

-        In the scuffle, Yellow notices something off. A child by themselves, no older than four or five, in the middle of the street, getting caught in the crossfire. They hide behind an old, toppled over car, but stray bullets hit the gas. It drips and Yellow remembers Black’s death. Without much thinking, they scurry from the fight to pick up the kid and run. Sure enough, a spark from a fire close by lands in the gas, and causes another fire. Then bam, second explosion. The kid is clinging to him, Yellow has gotten them out of the fire, but now they’re being chased by someone from the attackers. They get caught in a shop without exits. Yellow tries to shoot with one hand, but he can’t get the attacker. As they near, they pick up a heavy display, readying to crush Yellow and the kid. A shot hits them in the neck and stops them, making the heavy load also slip and fall on their head. They’re dead. Blue rushes inside. He’s furious.

-        He’s cursing at Yellow for putting his life in danger like that. Yellow lets go of the kid, and they run away immediately, scared of Blue. Yellow is anxious, wanting to follow the child. Blue is incredulous. It’s an NPC. Yellow tries to reason. Maybe it’s a side quest? It’s a kid alone in this dangerous hell hole. They should help. Blue shakes his head, they already lost Black. They can’t lose Yellow. Not for this. He uses his rank, as second in command. Yellow can’t look for the kid. It’s an order. They return to the group.

-        They had managed to kill enough for the bad guys to retreat, but the toll was heavy on their resources. In just these first two days, they’ve gone over half their ammo. Realizing their situation, Red begins prioritizing looting. She was right the first time when she said bad guys return with reinforcements. These new dudes can too.

-        Taking advantage of the big city, they venture a bit to get more ammo. They split into groups. Unfortunately, despite her protests, Pink gets put with White. Red was hoping they’ll work whatever they have going on. They bicker as they leave, and she already regrets her decision.

-        Yellow gets put with Green, and they go the opposite direction. Close to where the child ran off. He recounts what happened as they scavenge around, Green listening with only mild interest. Then she sees a kid herself, at the end of a street with a toppled skyscraper. It motions to them. They follow.

-        The kid leads them to their home inside the topped skyscraper. There’s a bunch more kids. They’re surrounding one of themselves, a hurt girl. The boy Yellow saved quietly steps forward and asks him to help her too. Yellow and Green look at each other. Side quest?

-        Blue and Red are on their own. They have the easiest time out of all of them. They started by looting the bodies. They never really got to appreciate it before, but these gory details…. Went above and beyond. Almost felt surreal to Blue that he was gathering bullets from the pockets of a man’s bottom half torso, his top half across the room. He suspected if he took off his helmet, the place would smell too. Red is quiet, but she eventually breaks the silence. She apologizes for putting Blue as her second in command without asking him. He shakes it off. It’s alright. Black’s death was unexpected. Black’s death. Blue almost shivers thinking about it. Everything in the game has felt so lifelike. He’d hate to go out with a bang like that. He tried making the situation lighter by bringing up what Black would be doing right now. Probably, he’d be escorted to the hotel nearby to stay and watch the livestream until his teammates finished. He’s probably beating himself up over being the first to die. Red shakes her head, remembering how her friend hated losing first. But more than that, he hated being separated from Green. This would be his true hell. And the comments he’ll get on his news feed! The roasts! They laughed, imagining it. All for his lover’s gun. Green has him whipped. Blue sorts through some more piles of trash, the laughter dying down. Behind his smile, he hid concerns. It was so fast to die here. No health bars to keep in check. Nothing but realism. He had to keep Yellow safe.

-        Cut back to Pink and White. Though they hate each other, they do work together. There’s no point letting their disagreements drag the group down. They manage to find an old gun store. Jackpot? As they scavenge, a wild, and mutated animal enters the store. A chase ensues. White is quick and small. He manages to get away fast, leaving behind the stocky and slower Pink. She curses at him for not sticking to her. She gets cornered as more of the same mutants show up. She decides she needs to blow them in one go. It’s her only choice. Though it’s one of her last three, she readies her grenade, but is beat to the punch by a giant beam crushing all three mutants. The dust settles and she sees White on top of the beam, having pushed it down with his entire weight. He’s hurt.

-        He turns on his healing, but it’ll still take a while. She helps him up. She’s salty, but grateful. He’s limping. They’re far from the group. And they still need to go back and check for ammo. Stuck together for longer, they finally break the ice. She was impressed by how quick he was. He hesitantly takes the compliment. As they continue, curiosity burns. She’s been chastising him for so long, she wants genuine answers. She asks him why he chose to be a medic. He says he didn’t. He was forced into it because, naturally, his siblings and parents already filled other roles. She doesn’t like this answer. So he relented?  Just like that? She lets him have it. Orange loves being medic. She put her heart and soul into her job. He just does this because of his family.

-        White bites back. Yeah he gave in. His family is so overwhelming. His entire life was already given goals he didn’t choose. An idea he had to live as. Of course she wouldn’t understand. No one but them would understand. He has no choice. But he doesn’t want to disappoint or be a burden. That’s his reason for training! He…. Breaks down at this. He cries. Pink is very uncomfortable. They reach the gun store and separate again. Its quiet with the occasional sniffles. Pink feels…. A bit bad.

-        They do find ammo. White heals. They walk back. Pink relents after a few minutes, and tells White that… he isn’t.. the WORST medic. He did manage to be second in the competition. That counts for something. He’s surprised by her try at peace. He also gives in. He says he’s sorry for taking Orange’s spot. He honestly didn’t ask for it. But his family… Pink is surprised by this confession. So he didn’t get in because he pulled strings. It was his overbearing parents. She finally gives up her hatred for the short dude. It’s not helping either of them. They return more successful than the others, being the second group back. To Red’s delight, White and Pink aren’t fighting anymore. She gives them both a pat and congratulates them. She’s proud they can work through their differences. As she leaves them, they both sigh at the same time. Then look at each other. Oh yeah. They’re still rivals.

-        Yellow and Green get back late. They tell the group about the kids. Blue is quick to groan, but Red takes an interest. She allows the team to accept the side quest. They just need to help one hurt kid, after all. They turn to White, pleadingly. Can he do it? White gulps, the pressure being on for him to succeed. Now was his chance to prove himself as a medic.

-        Still not sure how to make the healing system work exactly, but ultimately, he succeeds. The kids swear he’s a wizard, but he brushes it off. Still, he’s flattered and riding a high from his success. They say goodbye to the kids, who take a liking to White, Green and Yellow for being nice. They still don’t like Blue and are wary of Pink and Red. Either way, they leave, and the three favored talk about how real the kids acted. The NPCs in this world are well-made.

-        They’re on the move and there’s some lighter bickering between White and Pink as they continue trying to get Red’s attention, but she ignores them. They halt their walking as a familiar event occurs, dirty beat up cars coming and circling them. They stop and open. A big man, clearly in charge steps out. He’s there to give them a warning. When they stepped inside that normal-looking house, they were in Crumble territory. His lackeys foolishly followed behind, and now the building is gone. He’s barely placated these ‘Crumbles’ by making a deal with them. To catch this team and bring them back. His lackeys point their weapons. Are they going to come quietly or do they need to make a scene?

-        Pink is excited. “Oh the plot is picking up!” It’s a fight. It’s super close, the hardest fight they’ve been in by far, but it’s completely thanks to their armor that they get the upper hand, and leave by stealing a vehicle. All those driving games taught White how to be a getaway driver well. They escape, and along the way, ditch the car in case they can track it. They survived the second day.

-        Back to it being night, they make a fire and gather around. They have bedrolls to sleep in, but it’s uncomfortable. One person will stay guard while the rest sleep. They SHOULD be sleeping in their armor no problem. But especially with the bedrolls… its uncomfortable. So Pink takes hers off. As they choose spots to put down their rolls, she ends up setting hers next to White. She tells him he’s impressed her today. “If you can’t make it as a medic, you can definitely win competitions with those skills you know.” White is embarrassed, but… hopeful. He liked the thrill of going fast. Maybe… this could be something he’s good at. As Pink lays herself down, she slips and hurts herself on a jagged rock. She starts to bleed. White stares. They’re baffled. Having never taken their suits off prior, they hadn’t realized they can bleed. “It even hurts.” Pink laughs it off. “Damn, they went all out for this.” White agrees, but it still doesn’t sit well. Red passes them and his concern fades into thoughts of her instead. He gets up.

-        Red is first watch. He stops by to just…. Tell her she’s doing a good job leading them so far. Red is surprised. He never talks to her first, always shy and skittish. She smiles back at him, sadly. She thanks him, but she can’t take the compliment. Black’s loss was a failure on her part. A real good leader would’ve held him back by force. It was a stupid death, no way around it.

-        After an awkward silence (because White didn’t know how to follow that up), Red decides its her turn to be nice. She thanks White for saving them today. Her compliment is genuine, and she follows it with a head pat. He’s incredibly happy from this, and goes to bed looking beet red with a goofy smile. Pink notices. She decides it’s time for her to get a bit more aggressive. Gotta put down all her cards before slowpoke seals the deal.

-        Pink’s shift is next. As she goes to relieve Red, she also tries for small chat. It doesn’t work. Red calls her out for not being in her armor. Pink says she’ll get it in a bit. Red starts to leave, she is tired. Pink blurts in a moment of impulsiveness.

-        “When… all this is done, can we go for a drink?” Red stops and turns around. She’s confused. “Uh.. sure? I imagine we’ll all have a big celebration with alcohol anyways…” “Yeah, but I’m not asking to just get wasted. I’m asking to.. be able to get alone with you.”

-        Ah. Now Red gets it. She’s embarrassed. After a momentary pause that feels like forever, she speaks. “I’m… sorry.” Pink is hurt. She knew she had less of a chance with her but she’s still hurt. Pink brushes it off. “It’s ok.” Red still looks like she has more to say, but… she turns back. She’s tired and now isn’t a good time. The stream is still on. God, Red remembered and so did Pink. She just got rejected in front of the whole Bunker... Pink is frustrated and cant sleep even when her shift is done.

~~~~~~~~

-        Back at the Bunker, Orange watched the confession and felt terrible for her friend. She had been embarrassed today. Still, more than the concern for her love life, was the concern for her life. The confession was secondary to the threat of them all dying.

-        The media has blown up much much more. Everyone was scared for the player’s lives already, but after today’s stream, more joined in. The people that hated White have mostly turned around, finding his day as redeeming. Instead, blame was shifted onto his family as they were now seen for the perfectionist robots they were. But more than that, they have now effectively put their youngest in danger for his life by forcing him onto this game. Very unexpectedly, the Whites…. Showed remorse. They never expected to sign away their child’s life. It was just supposed to be another prestigious event to get their name into. They’re mad at the game developers and are with the people hounding the government to get answers. They’re mad, and they want their family member back. Alive.

-        Yellow also begins getting his own fans. Showing care for the NPCs, especially contrasted with Blue’s disregard of them…. Blue fans are buzzing. What kind of person doesn’t care for children, EVEN in a game? Defenders of Blue make their case, it’s a dangerous situation and they’ve lost Black. Though he doesn’t know it, keeping everyone in the team alive over NPCs IS the way to go. Still, it doesn’t sit well with half his supporters, and alliances are shifting. Yellow is gaining followers.

-        Pink’s bold declaration made her gain new fans. Many proclaimed that if Pink made it out, they would gladly take her. Orange grimaced at these. Red, likewise, got a lot of…. Hate. Pink fans thought she was too mean with her rejection. Red stans defended her right to say no. There was a battle between the two, and in any other day this would be normal, but the underlying pressure of either not making it highlights their hate for one another. These could be their last moments, and now they’ll spend them awkwardly. Orange sighs and drops her phone.

-        All day, Orange’s sister has been out of the house. Though she had taken food with her, Orange guesses it wasn’t enough. Orange hasn’t talked to her all day, not after finding out her friend was in danger and her sister was part of it. There are no words to describe her feelings. Still. With how stressful things are right now…. Her sister should be at her top game trying to fix this. She should be eating well. Orange makes her dinner, still… upset but resigned to what’s happened, and goes to deliver it. Having done this before, she has no problem getting through to her office. She meant to leave the packed, warm lunch in her desk if she wasn’t there, but she dillydallies when she finds the picture of White on her sister’s screen. She looks around. No one is watching her, everyone busy with the catastrophe at hand. She clicks through and discovers. Her sister specifically made the deal to keep her out of the game. To bring White in. In her emails, she seemed aggressive this be done. Even threatening to quit her beloved job. Orange hears the clicking of her sister’s heels and returns everything back the way it was. She sits down at her sister’s seat with the dinner in her lap and her phone in her hand, pretending to have been waiting for her. The interaction is normal. She hugs her, gives her the food, and leaves. On the way out, she sees a group of her sister’s coworkers rush out of a familiar room. The room that’s always been showcased as where the players would be held. She slips behind the cameras and peeks in through the door’s small window. The machine that was supposed to connect everyone’s minds is… empty. They’re not here. Orange’s stomach twists. Where are they then?

-        Hearing more people coming, she rushes out of the corridor and out of the building. She has too much to think about. Too many implications. She. Wants. Answers.

~~~~~~~~~~~

-        One day left. They are close! They wake up and get ready. Their last stop crosses through a town. They’ll get to interact with more NPCs! Everyone is excited. They begin the walk, Blue talking to Red, Green to White. Pink stayed quiet. Yellow is concerned for his sister. All their time spent here, she’s been making googly eyes at Red, and now she won’t even look at her. Oh no. He knows whats up.

-        He tries to cheer her up, reminiscing her old girlfriends… and some other nice girls waiting back home. Pink snorts. She’s not in the mood for this. Not from someone like him. Yellow is hurt. What does she mean someone like him? Much to his dismay, Pink gives him a look. Then she looks back at Blue. … she knew? “You knew?” “It’s… not exactly subtle.” She teased. “You’ve liked him since you wer-“ “PINK! SHUT UP!” “What? Rude.” Yellow looks furious. Slow realization dawns on her yet again. She forgot that they were on a stream. Ooh dear.

-        Now they were both in a bad mood. Yellow terrified of going back when they won, to having clips of his sister’s words thrown in his and Blue’s face. He never wanted to confess! This will ruin their friendship! And the audience backlash!!!! Blue has a lot of diehard stans that… to put it mildly, are not keen on giving him up. To hear his own best friend, whom they barely tolerated already, has a crush on him. Yellow. Was. Scared.

-        Pink feels so guilty. She was already in a crappy mood and now she’s gone and made things worse. It’s her turn to try to reach out and reassure Yellow, when more dust picks up from behind. They hear the sounds of vehicles. Oh great, there’s more. They ready for a fight, but are caught off guard when the cars aren’t stopping. They instead, zoom by, each one trying to wrap a rope lasso around a member as they move. Most of them dodge or cut the ropes in time. Pink doesn’t She’s caught by the midriff and dragged along, her armor taking most of the hits for her as she bounces along the ground. This is NOT her day! Her teammates chase after her, but the cars are too fast. Thinking fast, she pulls a grenade from her backpack. The one she didn’t use against the mutants. She aims, and luck is on her side as she’s able to chuck it inside the open window holding her rope. The car explodes and she’s blown back. She hits her helmet. She dents it. Her livestream is shut off.

-        Her teammates get to her just as soon as the cars double back and try to lasso them again. They’re prepared now, dodging and even pulling someone out by yanking on the rope. They kill them. Per Red’s orders, they aim for the wheels. They get one car to pop, the others drive away, having failed. The car they left behind is quiet. They inch closer. They see the figure inside, staring at them. He opens his mouth, but before he can say a word, Green from behind everyone shoots him in the head. She needed to practice using Black’s gun anyways. Everyone congratulates her for her aim… though it wasn’t as good as it could be. She laughs with them, promising to give up being a sniper one this was over. She’s only taking over because she lost her gun.

-        Pink gets up. From her reads, its clear her livestream set up is too jammed to start back up again. Her footage is lost now. It’s a bummer. Yellow helps her as they continue moving towards their destination, but neither speak. Still mad. Still guilty. They reach the town. It’s huge! And unlike the abandoned city, it’s full of people… They decide to stay and explore a bit. They had time, their destination was just a ways across from here. They’d make it.

-        Trying to distract herself from her conflicting emotions, Pink leaves the group when they’re not looking to go to a bar. There, she finds what she believes to be a mini quest. An old man is complaining about what he calls ‘the abomination’ taking his wares the other day. Pink jumps into accepting this NPC’s quest, to defeat the abomination and retrieve his goods. She follows his directions to the outskirts of town. To a normal-looking cabin. Wanting this to be quick she carelessly blasts the front door open and immediately, a fight begins. The abomination has green fur, different sized golden eyes, and scales and spikes scattered around its body. The abomination makes some clear sounds that reminisce garbles. So it can’t even communicate. This has got to be it.

-        They fight, almost destroying the home in the process. The abomination almost bites the dust with a full face blast, but manages to scurry away, Pink hot on their trail. In the chase, she follows it out of the town… into a valley… behind a fence clearly stating danger… The creature leads her to a cave where it gets darker… and warmer… By the time she notices her radiation alarms going off, she’s already feeling sick and exhausted. She passes out.

-        She comes to outside, feeling something in her mouth. She swallows unconsciously, but gags at the foul taste and sputters. She looks up at the person holding her. The abomination. Pink is quick on the draw…. Except her gun is not with her. Neither is her suit. She panics but a voice is heard from behind. “She saved you, and you still want to blast her?!” She turns around to see a shiny, scaled person judging her. “You should’ve left her in the cave, Charger.”

-        The abomination makes more garbles, with a shrug. Pink is confused. With the help of the draconic(?) (who is the abomination’s brother???) the situation is cleared up. So the quest was a lie. The old man is a smuggler, and the goods they confiscated where weapons stolen from another smaller town nearby. Pink was being played. Pink apologizes, not knowing what else to do. She had thought this was just another clear cut mini-mission. Who knew this game had moral complexity like this?

-        Charger forgives her, to her brother’s annoyance. Pink stick around for a bit, offered a place at their dinner table. She got to meet their oldest brother, and taste what local food is really like. It’s not bad. She gets back her suit and weapon. She’s allowed to go. But before she does… she ends up opening up to these nice NPCs. Why not? Her comms where off and her livestream camera was busted anyways. The NPCs nodded along and Charger gave her a hug by the end. The middle brother gave a few words of wisdom. “So it’s not what you wanted. But at least you’ve got a great friend to add to your collection. And she sounds pretty bad ass… you gotta keep those close.” Pink laughed. Yeah… she’s been lucky in the friend department. She mused how much she missed Orange. She got to leave finally, a load off her shoulders. She went back to the group, where stuff… is going down. The town is in chaos and her team is in the middle of it. What happened while she was gone?

-        When Pink left, the group had decided to split again. Green, Blue and Yellow went to see something (idk lol haven’t worked this out yet) and White and Red stayed together. They explore the local food and shops. They have a nice time taking everything in. They peak a few people’s curiosities, but they aren’t outright being aggressive, so the NPCs leave them alone. It’s a fun day…. One could even say…. It’s like a fun… date…

-        White can’t hold it in anymore. He’s ready to confess. He takes her to a secluded spot and very nervously fidgets with his helmet… taking it off and begins to talk by bringing up a memory. The day Red helped him. Red’s attention is piqued. What about it? White continues. That day, he had hit his alltime low. He was ready to quit gaming altogether. But she… gave him hope again. Made him strive to be someone worthy of working beside her. Her cheeks redden and her eyes widen. She’s realizing where this is going. White continues. Being here, watching her work…. He was content with just staying in the background... but after today. He holds her hand, he himself turning into a tomato. Nervously, he blurts. He wants to stay by her side, even outside of this game. He has his eyes closed. No sounds respond to him. He nervously opens them to see Red’s expression. She looks sympathetic… but that’s it. His heart drops. “White…” His face stays aflame, he wants to cry.

-        With a shaky voice he rushes out. “Oh-nonono its ok I just. I pushed this on you- Im ok I just-“ “No. White, listen to me.” He stops his tumbling and listens. He wont look at her, but he’s readying himself for her response. She sighs, and takes his shaking shoulders. “I like you White… but I’m not… interested in being in a relationship. With anyone.” White’s shakiness drops. Ok… now he’s looking at her. Her expression is sincere. White is confused. Red makes a disgruntled noise. “I should’ve explained this sooner to people… I’m not looking for any romance. I just. Don’t have any interest in it.” She looks away, taking another breath and continues. “I know most people don’t understand it but please… believe me. This isn’t me lying to you to make your rejection easier. I…. genuinely am trying to… get you to understand.” Her expressions. Her trying to hard. He’s seen enough. He’s convinced. And he’s honestly... touched. He sniffles and rubs his eyes, he was just about to cry a second ago. But he feels it’s silly now. He’s still sad, but more than that. He smiles at her. He thanks her for confessing this to him… he hopes this means they can stay friends. She smiles back, relieved, beaming. Of course. She thanks him for understanding and ends the conversation with a hug. It’s a nice rejection.

-        It’s at this moment, that they are attacked. Caught completely off-guard, they are easy targets. Still, they put up a fight. Red can get to her gun and fends them off. White isn’t as lucky. He’s knocked down easily, tied and gagged. He’s got a concussion, but he’s still fighting to stay conscious. Red chases after them, shooting. People around the streets flee from the scene. Green, Blue and Yellow heard the commotion. They run and are ready to help, weapons raised. The kidnappers know they are outnumbered. But they have leverage. They hide behind White, holding his struggling body. If they shoot, they can hit his soft nogging. The one holding him grips his hair tightly. White makes a noise of pain.

-        Pain. In game. The team looks at one another. Red tells them to put their weapons down. They slowly do. A car comes blasting through the now empty streets. Their ride. They’re taking White. If they want him safe, they’ll come with them without any problem. More bad guys get around them. They’re ready to bind them. Red is the quickest shot. She knocks back the person behind her, manages to shoot the two behind Green and Yellow, and Blue followed suit with his own. She points her gun to the one holding White, but a sharp cry of pain makes her hesitate.

-        What was he doing? He twisted White’s arm forcefully and doesn’t stop until it snaps. White is screaming. His arm socket has popped off. It hangs loosely. The holder is cursing at them. They should’ve played nice! He throws White into the car and jumps in, closing the door. The car slams it. They shoot but its too late. White is gone. They’ve lost a member to an unforeseen obstacle.

-        They’ve failed.

-        And more than that.

-        Those cries… wont leave their heads. Red throws her gun in anger. White was in pain. There is pain in this game. Real, fucking pain. Blue and Yellow immediately look at each other. Green is in shock. What the fuck is going on.

-        Pink returns to this, White missing and the group in shambles. Pink is confused. Of course there is pain. Had no one else noticed? They look at one another. They never left their suits. They never got hurt before this. No. Only White has gotten bruises from the pillar he toppled. Only Pink has gotten cut from a rock. Their only concerns were dodging bullets that didn’t even penetrate their armor. They didn’t think pain would be a factor. This new information sets a series of horrid questions through their brains. It was this easy to get hurt. And Black? He died in an explosion. His suit may protect him from bullets but not from fires that hot. He may be chilling back home now, but at what cost?

-        What madman programmed realistic pain into a fucking game.

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[craby-bouquet]

잠자리 - 1.1 : Numinous

I’m half living my life between reality and fantasy at all times.— Lady Gaga

~ Part 1 ~

Kwon Soonyoung x Female reader

Fantasy!AU, Romantic Comedy, Royal!AU

4k words

Masterlist | Seventeen masterlist  |  잠자리 masterlist

1.1 | 1.2 | 2.1 | 2.2  | 2.3 | 2.4 | 3.1

"Yo, loser." You greeted Soonyoung as he came walking onto the playground where you hung out a lot. Parents stopped bringing their children here because some kid once fell off the slide. It’s said the lady of shadow had pushed him. Apparently it was haunted by her. At least that’s what people believed. 

Soonyoung looked up at you sitting in the monkey bars and smiled "You're escaping again?" He asked while climbing up, a grin on his face. 

You leaned forward and sighed "Yes."

He chuckled "Oh no, you have to go to the festival." The sarcasm was dripping from each and every word in that sentence. 

You hit his leg as soon as he sat "It's different for me I hate being in the spotlights and looking pretty and… just, eh… have people look at me. You can sit in the crowd the entire time, no one will pay attention to you."

"I know." He said simply, "Perks of not being the major's daughter, I guess. Did you bring snacks?" 

You took your bag off your one shoulder and practically threw it at him. He had to go through quite some trouble to catch it, but it didn't seem to bother him when he just whispered "Nice." And opened the bag to look at what was inside. 

"Anyway," You straightened your back "The reason why I summoned you here is different from what you may expect, it is not because of the festival, no.” you articulated every word exaggerated, making it sound like some silly quest in some sort of video game “It is about something not quite the same, yet my mother complains about it the same amount. Maybe even more.”

Soonyoung was munching on some M&M’s he found in your bag, and looked at you curiously “School?”

You nodded “School. That dumb scholarship.” you sighed.

“Oh no, you got invited to a prestigious school…” He laughed at his sarcasm, and threw three new M&M’s in his mouth “You know that there are so many people that would give their right arm just to get a peek inside, right?”

“Yeah, well, give them the scholarship. I don’t want it.” You pouted “And I don’t understand why my mother thinks it’s such a big deal? If I don’t want to go to school, why should I have to?”

Soonyoung didn’t seem to be paying close attention as he inspected the inside of the package to see if there were any chocolates left inside “Yeah, how terrible. A mother who wants you to get good education.” when he decided there really weren’t any left he started looking in your backpack for something else “Why didn’t you want to go, again?”

You rolled your eyes “What do you learn in school? Exactly. Nothing of importance. I don’t learn how to pay taxes, how to use the dishwasher or wash my own clothes or get a house. No, I learn how plants replicate. Don’t get me wrong, that’s… absolutely fascinating… but I’m not gonna be a bee when I grow up. So it’s not of importance.” you sighed once again, and frowned when you heard Soonyoung chuckle softly.

“I thought it was your dream to be a bee and make new plants.” 

“Bee’s don’t make plants, you moron.” You laughed.

He shrugged “See, you wouldn’t have known that without school.” 

“Don’t forget that you’re on my side, so don’t start telling me school is good now all of a sudden.” 

He defenselessly put his hands in the air, still holding your bag in one of them “Yes, ma’am.”

“Anyway, those people who gave me the scholarship will be on the festival for some reason, and I have the perfect plan to get them to retract their offer. Then my parents can’t make me go anymore, because they don’t want me there anymore.”

He shook his head, a mischievous and quirky smile on his face “What is your plan?”

The legend of the lady of shadow was one your whole town knew about. She was spotted at night, in the dark, freaking people out. Only few people had seen her but word travelled fast, and very soon everyone knew about her existence. 

The people that had spread the word about the strange appearance said she looked sad, wearing a wedding dress with a vail, both looking disgusting as if she hadn’t washed them in decades. People were frightened of her. The reason why people stopped going to the playground, someone spotted her there once, and now people were afraid to take their children to a place haunted by a ghost thing. Or… whatever she was.

The perfect opportunity for you to use her myth to your advantage. 

The festival started, it seemed like the whole town showed up which was perfect. There were tables and chairs, a stage for a live band, you recognized the people playing as some kids from your school. Later on, that's where you would stand, beside your father as he gave a speech. But for now you sat beside Soonyoung, looking out over the big lake the festival was held near. 

Soonyoung was holding a plate filled with food, offering you some. But you declined. 

The boy always seemed to be hungry. You had gotten used to that by now, and always made sure to have something in your bag for him. You weren't hungry tonight, your stomach filled with what you were about to do. It was kind of exciting especially thinking about how your mother would react if she ever found out you were behind it. You had chills down your spine thinking about her angry face and shrill voice. You wondered how she would react in front of so many people. 

You heard your mother yell your name; it was time to go on stage. 

Soonyoung smiled at you and gave you a thumbs up to wish you luck, you pat his head and walked over to your mother. 

Of course she was stressing out about everything there was to stress about. She straightened your dress, stroke her hand through your hair and wiped your face with her hand to fix your makeup. After all that she still looked stressed. 

You walked over to your sister, she was already standing beside your brightly smiling father. The contrast between their expressions couldn't be bigger. She just ignored you. 

Vera and you used to be really close, you used to do everything together and tell each other everything. But she just started to act strange one day, and now the relationship you two had was… difficult. 

"Smile, girls." Your mother ordered as you got announced to go on stage. You forced the most fake smile you could manage as you walked after your mother. 

While your father started his speech you scanned the crowd with your eyes, fake smile still plastered on your face. There they were, you recognized them as the people that came to your house for a talk with your parents a few month ago. They were also the only people, aside from your father, to wear a suit. The people from the school scholarship. 

Now that you were sure they were here, you scanned for Soonyoung. He was standing on the edge of the crowd, leaning against a tree and seemed to be talking to something. But there was nothing in the place he was mumbling towards. 

You wished he’d look at you, he knew how you disliked being on stage, he was supposed to distract you from all the other people. You felt a weird feeling bubble up in your stomach, you couldn't describe it but it wasn't very pleasant. 

After a short while he did turn to you to brightly smile up at you. You smiled back, genuinely this time. A bubbly feeling boiled up in your stomach.

Your father finished his speech with the announcement for a fireworks show later tonight, leaving the crowd to cheer, and then you walked off stage again. Soonyoung was beside you before you even realized he had moved from the spot he had been mere minutes ago.

“You did well.” he smiled.

You shrugged “I didn’t do anything.” 

He chuckled while shaking his head. Then he looked around and bowed closer to you “You ready?”

A sadistic smile creeped upon your face “Ready as I’ll ever be.” 

At a side of the big lake, hidden within the forest, was a little fisherman shed that belonged to no one in particular and was mainly used by annoying teens and people who needed to get rid of something and didn’t know where to bring it. Soonyoung and you sometimes hung out here as well. It was away from people, all alone and safe.

“See!” you yelled excitedly “I told you there was a boat here.”

He laughed “Yeah.”

“And if the person it belongs to put it here, I’m pretty sure they don’t want it anymore. So we’re gonna use it. Let’s see what else we can find.” 

The shed was filled with junk, you were sure there was something you could use. 

“Look here, this is strange…” You mumbled. Soonyoung walked towards you.

There was a mattress with a blanket and pillow, it looked like it was slept in not to long ago.

Soonyoung shrugged “Looks like someone has been using this to sleep, exactly what you’d expect from a place like this honestly. I’m not surprised.”

You guessed he was right.

After a short while he called your name again “Eh, there’s something strange here.”

You walked to him, pushing away a curtain. He was squatting down, his hands on some sort of box. He dusted it off with his hand, revealing a name.

“A fog machine..?”

“Perfect!” you beamed “We can totally use this. It there a way to power it here?”

Soonyoung pointed in the direction of the mattress. With this, your plan would be even better.

You plugged the fog machine in the fuse box and took it as far on the pier as was possible, from here you could see all the people partying. Soonyoung and you brought the dinghy to the water and carefully pushed it in, making sure it didn’t go yet.

“Alright,” you whispered, not that whispering was necessary, but it just came as natural “now all that’s left is unplugging their lights, turning on the smoke thing and then pushing the boat in.” 

Soonyoung smirked devilish “How will we get them to look this way?” 

“Without power the fireworks won’t go off. So they’ll all be looking at the lake, but nothing happens, and then bam! A strange boat appears… That must belong to the lady of shadows. And then the people from that school will think ‘oh, this girl is from a haunted town, we don’t want that kind of people at our school that’s way too creepy.’ And then I’m off the hook.”

He chuckled “Right. I’ll go turn the power off then.”

You nodded once “Yes, I think that from there you can hear everyone talk so wait until they announce the fireworks or something.”

He started jogging towards the power house. 

You sighed and sat down on the pier, looking at all the people having fun in the distance. All talking, dancing happily. Something in you wanted to join them, talk with everyone who attended, thank them for being a part of the celebration of summer. But you never had been good with people and socializing. You always stood out, always managed to make every conversation you were a part of weird.

You looked up at the sky, lit up by stars and a big, full moon. The perfect time for a ghost to come to life. 

A hand touched your shoulder, you reached for it in reflex. But there was nothing, yet you felt a weird presence. You looked around, to no avail. There was no one… But you were sure you felt someone looking at you.

Your eyes found something odd, locked themselves upon it. A tiny creature, with two large eyes looking up at you. It looked like a white bunny, but it had antlers and huge fangs. You frowned at it, trying to find the name of this creature in your memory, but you were sure you had never seen anything like it. You weren’t even sure if it actually existed or not. 

The lights in the corner of your eye turned off, you turned to look at the party and saw that the power had turned off. Soonyoung. 

When you looked back at where the bunny had been mere seconds ago, you saw it had disappeared. But you were too occupied with the task at hand to worry about it. You turned the smoke machine on, hearing faint gasps in the distance. It took some strength to actually get the dinghy to move. It seemed way heavier than before.

You looked at the boat while it slowly moved away from you. The only thing lighting it enough so everyone would be able to see it being the moon. It looked creepy as hell. Perfect. 

You heard people scream. That seemed a bit extreme, but alright. You did mean to frighten them. You started running back to the party itself, before people would find you here and know it was you who did this. 

As you arrived back, Soonyoung was nowhere to be seen. You figured he’d just come to you in a bit or something.

“The lady of shadow!” A woman sobbed.

“Why did she decide to show up tonight, out of all nights?” 

You were too occupied looking at everyone’s face to actually look at the boat. But as soon as you did turn your eyes to it, you saw something that wasn’t supposed to be there. 

She was actually there. The lady of shadows was standing right there, in the boat as is sailed across the water surrounded by smoke. But she hadn’t been in the boat when you pushed it away, right? So where had she come from?

But you got no time to think about it, for the lights turned back on, and two people came walking to the party. They were holding Soonyoung by his arms and were practically carrying him to the crowd. The lady in the boat had disappeared as soon as the light turned on, and fireworks started to go off, distracting the people from what had just happened.

“We found the culprit, sir.” one of the men holding Soonyoung told your father. You bit your lip and closed your eyes. How could he let them capture him?

You father shook his head in disappointment “Soonyoung? Really?”

“We found him at the power switch, sir, we’re pretty sure he turned the power off.” the other men holding him said.

“I never imagined you’d do something like that, Soonyoung.” your father said, voice low. 

Soonyoung turned his eyes to you. He looked fine, like nothing was wrong “And yet I’m afraid I did mister major. I know it was wrong, but you have to admit it was kind of funny.”

You mother put down the hand she had pressed against her mouth and sighed “I think we should lock him away for the night. Bring him to the police station and-”

“Wait!” you heard yourself say loudly to be understandable over the fireworks. Your feet moved in the direction of your parents, whom had turned their heads to you Soonyoung shook his head at you, his eyes told you he didn’t want you to take the blame. But you couldn’t just let him go to jail or anything for something you came up with.

“Darling?” your mother sounded urgent, her teeth pressed together as she spoke that one word.

“I did it. It was my idea, he had nothing to do with it.”

“She’s lying.” Soonyoung said “She had absolutely nothing to do with it.”

You looked at him angrily “Stop it Soonyoung, we both know it was my idea. I got him to help me, but I’m the real culprit.”

Your father placed two fingers on the bride of his nose and sighed, he gestured that the two men holding Soonyoung had to let him go “Soonyoung, leave, please.”

Soonyoung looked at you worriedly, but walked away after that.

Your mother looked furious, like she wanted to kill you. Amazing, you thought sarcastically, this was not what was supposed to happen. Well, at least you got a good fright out of everyone.

You father turned to your mom “I can’t leave…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her.” she didn’t take her angry eyes off of you.

You looked at your feet. This had turned out way different than you had wanted.

You mother practically dragged you home, almost throwing you inside as you arrived home.

“How dare you!” She screamed. It wasn’t a question, it sounded more like a statement “I don’t-! How could-! Arhg!” She walked back and forth while yelling the ears off your head.

“Did you think this would be funny or something!?” This question clearly was directed at you.

You just shrugged, you didn’t feel the need to respond to her screaming.

“I am so angry with you! So disappointed! I don’t see why you would do anything like this! What were you thinking!?”

You didn’t respond once again.

She grabbed your chin in her hand, her gip tight and painful, her eyes burning with rage “Answer me.”

You grabbed her arm and got out of her grip, taking a step back in the process “I don’t want to go to that stupid school!” 

She gasped “Is that what this is about?”

“What else!?” You kicked your shoes in the corner of the hall you were standing in.

“How on earth was this supposed to help you?”

You shrugged once again, pouting angrily, like a toddler with a temper tantrum “I saw that there were people from the school here, so I thought maybe if they see that this town is haunted they don’t want me anymore.”

You mother let out a yell of pure agony “Well, bad luck then I guess! They now know the town isn’t haunted and it was just a dumb prank.”

A sadistic grin creeped on your face. You hadn’t even considered that fact. That did make this perfect.

“Why are you smiling? Your plan clearly failed.” She sounded so smug as she stated that.

“That’s even better.” you said slowly.

Her eyes turned angry again “Why?”

“Do you think they’d want a trouble maker like me on their perfect school?” You said it with a really sweet tone in your voice. Her eyes widened as she realized that was indeed true, you were right, they wouldn’t want a trouble maker on their school. You smiled smugly, especially after seeing her shocked face.

“Did Soonyoung help you?” She asked after a short while, her tone calm.

What were you supposed to answer to that? What would happen to him is she found out? Would she punish him still?

You nodded “I made him turn off the light. It wasn’t his idea at all.”

She shook her head disappointedly “I can’t believe it,” she whispered, as if you weren’t standing right there with her “incompetent fool.”

You weren’t too sure what on earth she meant by that, but decided to just ignore it.

“...And the woman in the boat? Who was that?”

Woman in the boat? You remembered the figure you had seen standing in the boat and disappearing almost immediately after. You mother had seen her too? She hadn’t been your imagination?

You shrugged, letting your mom know you didn’t know.

She rolled her eyes “Oh come on, I promise I won’t punish them, I know you were behind it, but just tell me who it was.”

You shrugged again, eyes standing angry “I don’t know. She wasn’t in the boat when I pushed it.”

You had imagined her not believing you, her getting angry because she’d think you lied or something. But to your surprise she just sat down, slowly lowered herself to sit on a chair. She seemed to be lost in her own thoughts, a shocked expression on her face. 

“What?” you asked, surprised by her reaction.

“He said this wouldn’t happen…” She whispered, you weren’t sure if she meant to talk out loud “He said he’d take care of your safety.”

“Who?” you frowned. What on earth was she talking about?

She didn’t respond, continued to look shocked. You took this opportunity of her not paying any attention to you, to slowly walk away. To the stairs, so you could go up stairs and avoid punishment. But you didn’t even get close to the stairs before she pointed at you and told you to hold it.

“Don’t you go anywhere, young lady. We’re not done.”

You sighed, throwing your head back in agony.

“You’re grounded. For, eh… The rest of summer vacation.”

Your mouth fell open “What!?” Summer vacation would be for four more weeks, she expected you to stay inside that whole time? Was she insane?

She simply shrugged “It’s your own fault.”

“No! You can’t do that!” You screamed, this was so unfair! First she expected you to go to that dumb festival, then to that stupid school and now she took away your freedom? No way! You weren’t about to let her do that.

Right at that moment you heard the front door open and close. The festival must have ended, your father and sister walked in. 

“Who do you think you are!?” Your father threateningly walked up to you, for a second you feared he’d hit you. But he took both your shoulders in a tight grip.

Your sister walked up stairs immediately after coming in, she didn’t say anything. Just rolled her eyes at you. 

Your father's grip hurt "What was that supposed to mean?"

The rage in his eyes scared you, he never acted like this, always stayed out of whatever you did and let your mother handle it. It seemed you really pissed him off good this time. 

"It's because she doesn't want to go to that school." Your mother sighed. 

That seemed to make him even more angry "Seriously!? How old are you? Five!?"

"Old enough to make my own decisions!" You yelled back at him, still in agony because of his right grip on your shoulders. 

His grip only tightened "You're acting like a spoiled brat!"

"You're hurting me!" You cried out. 

He didn't let go "I give you everything! Food, clothes, a roof above your head, good education. And how do you thank me? By ruining everything I worked for!"

A tear streamed down your face, his grip hurt so bad. Your shoulders were fragile and you were sure that with the strength he was holding you with now he would break your collarbones. He scared you, and he had never scared you before.

“You’re a selfish little child! You only think about yourself, and I have just about had it with you!”

“Stop it!” you yelled back at him, trying your hardest to get out of his grip.

He suddenly seemed to realize what he was doing. The mist of rage that had been before his eyes cleared up as he saw the tears run down your cheeks. He let go and took a step back. He scanned your eyes in shock, and then he walked away without saying anything else. Your mother sighed and ran after him, leaving you alone in the dark and empty room where you broke down in tears. You didn’t even know why, all your bottled up feelings, all your repressed unhappiness, seemed to just burst out.

You knew you were grounded, but you didn’t care. They weren’t here to stop you anyway. So you slipped in your shoes and ran outside without knowing where you were going, just running into the dark night.

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Life and Times of the Losers Club

Chapter 4 - Mike and Stan: At the Farm

To read it on AO3 click on the title. 

Tag List

@tinyarmedtrex @honeybeehanlon @constantreadfool @jacksbrak @megelixabethvh  @speakslowtellmelove @african-gem @hawkinsbabe@honkhonkrichard @stanmike @softstanlonn

October 1992 Friday - After the Game

With the others all dispersed, the two of them walk along a well trod sidewalk in a neighborhood Mike knows almost as well as he knows the acres of the farm.  

Mike takes a moment to steal a glance at his boyfriend in the moonlight. Stan has always been the most handsome guy he had ever seen, but tonight in the moonlight he was more so. The light seems to lay like a blanket over Stan’s curly locks highlighting his blond streaks, his eyes looking almost yellow in the moonlight. His plump lips seem to beg to be kissed. Stan’s eyes are just captivating.

His eyes...

His amber eyes...

His beautiful amber eyes...

In the space of one heartbeat to the next Mike realizes that they have come to a complete stop on the sidewalk beside a giant oak and Stan is staring back at him.

“Is there something on my face?” Stan asks with genuine concern in his voice starting to rub his face. “Shit, do I have more zits on my cheeks? Dammit I thought..”

Mike silences Stan by gently placing the fingers of his right hand on Stan’s lips, but Stan mumbles around them.

“No there isn’t a thing wrong with you. I was just. Well. I was just lost in your eyes. Sorry.” Mike admits.

Stan smiles behind Mike’s fingers, the skin around his eyes crinkling with the size of the smile. Mike is amazed that Stan can communicate the depth of his happiness with just his eyes.

“Cam I haf my mouf back pease?” Stan asks from behind Mike’s fingers.

“Sorry. Yeah.” Mike tells him and smiles back, removing his fingers and letting his hand drop to his side.

Stan reaches out and takes the hand Mike had just had on his mouth into both of his and gently holds it between them. He looks from their hands up to Mike’s face and says, “Thanks. You know it’s easy to fall into your eyes as well and… your arms.” Stan coughs and concludes by running his hands up Mike’s arm.

Mike blushes at the compliment so easily given and the gentle caress that accompanies it.

“We are a couple of houses from my house. Maybe we should not stare into each other’s eyes. That could give us away.” Stan tells him as he drops his hands from Mike’s arm, immediately regretting the fact that he had done so. But a thought jumps into his head, “Also, the sooner we get to my house and I finish getting packed, the quicker we can get to the farm.” Stan smiles lasciviously, wiggling his eyebrows at Mike.

“Well hell. Then lead the way kind sir.” Mike responds by jumping out of Stan’s way and affecting a bow.  

“Thank you, sir.” Stan says and leads the way to his house.

“Mom… Dad... we’re home, Mike’s with me!” Stan announces, putting his keys in his front pocket, as they walk in the front door.

From deeper in the house a duet of, “Hi boys how was the game?” Then Andrea Uris’ distinct voice announces, “We’re in the family room come on back.”

The boys put down their bags and walk back to the family room and Donald and Andrea Uris, Stan’s parents.

Stan didn’t dislike his parents. As a matter of fact, being a male teenager in high school, he had a pretty good relationship with them. Stan and Donald still went birding when Donald was available. Andrea was a loving and supportive mom, who was working part time for the school district. He didn’t tell them everything, naturally, but they were fairly well informed of the goings on in Stan’s life.

“So Mike did you knock ‘em dead tonight?” Donald asks from his place on the couch next to Andrea.  Dallas now playing silently on the TV against the opposite wall.

Before Mike could respond Stan gushes, “You should have seen him tonight. He made 6 touchdowns all by himself. Haven didn’t stand a chance. At one point Ben made this amazing tackle that opened up a hole in the line and there was Mike through the hole and running to beat the devil into Haven’s end zone.”

Donald and Andrea share a knowing smile with each other. Donald pointedly looks at his son and says, “Is that so Mike. I’m sure glad to hear that YOU had a great night on the field.”

Donald and Andrea both begin to chuckle, Mike smiles lovingly at Stan and Stan slowly begins to turn red and slowly looks at Mike, only to see him smiling back at him.

“You could have stopped me you know.” Stan says petulantly to Mike.

“Why would I do that? You should be calling the play-by-play from the box. You’re good.” Mike admits with a smile.

Mike’s honesty earns him a slug from Stan and more chuckling from his parents.

“Sooo not just a good game, but a great one? Did you perform your halftime show Stanley?” Andrea asks halting the bickering.

“No they didn’t. Not tonight.” Then it’s Mike’s turn to gush about how good the band was. Stan’s parents listen to Mike talk about the band before Stan taps him on the shoulder.

“Uhhh, Mikey. They were asking me, their son, the one in the band, how it went tonight.” Stan says giving Mike a sardonic smile.

Returning the smile Mike responds with, “You could have stopped me you know.” At which point they all break out into laughter.

They talk some more about the game before Stan excuses himself to finish packing, leaving Mike alone with his parents.

“Thank you for hauling me back and forth to the farm. I really appreciate it. I know it’s a bit of a drive.” Mike tells them.

Donald waves his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Anytime Mike. You and Stanley have been good friends for years, along with the rest of that horde you both hang around with. The… Legends Club?“

“Losers, Don, The Losers Club. Good lord you’d forget your own birthday if I wasn’t around to remind you.” Andrea tells him.

“Yeah them. You all still pretty tight, right?” Donald asks Mike.

“Yes sir. We are. That’s why Stanny is coming with me tonight to the farm. They’ill all be out there tomorrow to help with the last of the fall picking and help put up all the equipment for the winter. Mom is cooking for us all as payment.”

“Oh lord your poor mother. She’ll have to feed what 6 growing boys and 2 girls. You’ll all eat your parents out of house and home.” Andrea says with horror in her eyes.

Mike shakes his head and smiles at them. “Only 1 girl, Bev, Audra can’t make it tomorrow. That’s pretty much what Bev said. Mom assured me that there’ll be plenty. Mike continues, Thank you for letting Stan stay the night tonight. He’s going to help me get everything set up before the Losers come by tomorrow morning.”

“No problem. You can borrow Stan anytime. As a matter of fact where is he? STAN!” Donald yells to his only child.

“WHAT?” Stan yells back.

“Hurry it up. I don’t want to drop you both off at midnight.” Donald yells back.

“I’ll go see if I can help him.” Mike offers and turns to leave the room heading to the hall that leads to Stan’s bedroom.

“Thank you Mike. I’m going to get my keys. You coming Ann?” Donald asks his wife.

“Of course. Let me get a sweater. It’s chilly out.” She responds.

Mike makes his way down the hall to Stan’s room. He is familiar with this hallway and the room on the left. He’s been here many times. When he gets to Stan’s door he just stands there a moment taking in his boyfriend’s room, again. It’s just so...Stan. The room and bed are neat and tidy. The walls are a robin egg blue. There are bird prints, photos or drawings on two of the walls. On the fourth wall is a tidy desk and over the desk are photos. Photos of the Losers at the quarry, Bassey Park, and the Barrens. Peppered here and there are photos of Mike and Stan, and Stan and Richie to offset the Mike and Stan photos. The fourth wall is a very organized closet that is currently standing open. On the bed there is a duffle bag and a small but growing pile of clothes neatly folded waiting to be placed in the duffle.

Facing the open closet Stan senses but doesn’t see a body in the doorway and says, “I’m just about done dad. I’ll be out in a minute, then we can go.”

Mike shakes his head at Stan’s single mindedness and responds, “Richie would be proud of you already calling me daddy. I just don’t know how I feel about it though.”

Stan whips around and gives Mike a shocked look. “Mike! Shit. Uhhh I didn’t know it was you. I wouldn’t call… you… uhhh… dammit to hell.”

“It’s ok. Never mind. How can I help you?” Mike offers.

Shaking his head. “No need I’m almost done. I was just doing a last minute check. Then we can leave.”

Stan puts all of his clothes in the bag, closes the closet door and the two of them make their way back to the living room, where Mr. and Mrs. Uris are waiting.

“All set? Let’s get this show on the road.” Donald announces and as a group they walk out to the car, while he locks up. With everyone in they start the drive to the Hanlon farm.

The Farm

At the Hanlon farm Jessica and Will are in the kitchen. She is busy prepping food for tomorrow, while Will is watching her work. After many years of marriage he knows better than to interfere in Jess’ domain, only venturing to help at her specific direction.

“Will, love can you go down to the celler and fetch me a jar of pickles? You know where they’re at?” She asks needlessly.

“Ayup. Just the one? Anything else. I don’t want to make 30 trips up and down them damn stairs tonight.” He chides his wife with a smile.

Jessica whirls around and begins to protest when she notices the smile on his face. “Hush and go get me those pickles. Or I’ll make you run up and down those stairs all night long.” She then turns back to the task at hand. All the while listening to her husband laugh at his own joke as he makes his way down the stairs. “The nerve. Giving me sass when I have to feed so many people tomorrow.” She mumbles to herself.

A few minutes later she hears, overly dramatic footstep coming up the stairs and a fair amount of huffing and puffing. A bit of worry creeps into her thoughts at that. Will has been doing more of that lately and she makes a note to call the doctor on Monday to find out what his test results are.  Or at least to pester him to make the call.

“Your pickles my love.” Will hands her the jar with a flourish and bow.

“Thank you. Now can to go get me some beans from down there…” she starts and then breaks into a laugh at the knowing frown that makes its way across his face.

Will takes her into a hug and kisses her on the side of her cheek and they both break into laughter and kisses.

“Michael and Stanley should be here soon.” Jessica notes looking over his shoulder at the clock. She has a dinner prepared for them both, just in case they come home hungry. Jessica has learned that when Stanley comes over to eliminate pork from the menu, even though Stanley has told her she doesn’t have to do anything special for him. Obviously, she simply ignores him.

“I really wish we could have gone to the game tonight.” William says from his place at the large table in their kitchen. It is much larger than the 3 of them need. But the plans that William and Jessica had for a large family faded after Mike had been born. It’s only been recently that the large table has come into use, when Mike’s friends come over and the table is used for games and eating. The sight of all of those kids at her table eating and having a great time together makes Jessica smile, but also makes her think about the what could have beens. Shaking her head at those kinds of thoughts she turns back to the task at hand, making potato salad, for the kids.

From his place at the table Will sees the fleeting look that crosses Jessica’s face and instinctively he knows the thoughts she is having. He also regrets the could have beens, but it’s at that very moment that a side of the house lights up as a car pulls up the drive.

“That must be the kids.”  Will states. “Come on Jess let’s go say hello.”

“You’ve always been a talker William Hanlon. Lord knows no one can shut you up.” She chides him as they walk to the front door.

Donald pulls his car off Pasture Road and into the Hanlon’s long packed dirt driveway.

“Sorry for the dust Mr. Uris.” Mike apologizes to Donald needlessly.

“Mike, son, I’ve told you before it’s not a problem. This car can take a farm lane any old day. It’s fine. Anyway your dad does a fine job at maintaining his road. No potholes or washboard. Hell it’s smoother than certain portions of Jackson St. I’ve been on.” Donald reassures Mike, again.

In the back seat Stan, surreptitiously takes Mike’s hand into his own and gives it a reassuring squeeze. Stan knows that Mike is secretly embarrassed when the Uris’ come to the farm. He lives in an old farmhouse on the outskirts of town and Stan lives in a fine old home in town. Stan has told him numerous times to not think that way. His parent’s don’t care where he lives and more importantly neither does he.  

The car pulls up the farmhouse with its fine white clapboards, two peaked gables painted a light grey that make up the second floor bedrooms, chimneys poking up through the roof, wide wrap around porch with a wood porch swing at one end and a small table a two chairs near the front door. Along the south side of the house is a kitchen garden. Off to this side of the house is a large oak tree and a bit further and behind the house a large double door red barn. The Uris’ headlights illuminate the front of the house as they pull in for a stop.   

“Ok Mike home, safe and sound.” Donald announces and Andrea rolls her eyes at her husband’s corniness.

Just then the red front door to the farmhouse opens and two figures come out and wave. Donald and Andrea wave back as the male makes his way to the car. As he is walking over Mike and Stan jump out of the back seat and get Stan’s things out of the trunk.

“Hello Donald...Andrea. Thank you for fetching Mikey home. We do appreciate it. Do the two of you have a minute to have some tea or coffee?” William offers.

Donald looks at his watch and then at Andrea who smiles. “Yes we do. That sounds great. Thank you. Will.”

“Boys get your junk outta Don’s car and get it into the house. They are going to stay a spell.” William tells the boys. Who had been secretly holding hands over Stan’s duffle bag in the trunk of the car.

“Really? You are?” Stan asks peeking around the side of the open hood of the trunk.

“Yes, we are.” Andrea responds getting out of the passenger side of the car.

Mike grabs one handle of Stan’s duffle and leads him to the house. Stan has the other handle of his duffle and his pillow. On their way to the house they walk past Will, Mike stops to give him a hug. Then they make their way up to his mom. She stops Mike and gives him a hug and a kiss. Stan gets a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Evening Stanley. Go on and take your belongings up to Mike’s room. You’ll be staying with him there tonight. I hope that’s ok? We’ll talk about the game later. ” Jessica tells the boys shooing them into the house.

“That’s just fine.” Stan responds and the two of them head into the house and upstairs.

Jessica turns and smiles at her guests. She has always liked the Uris’. Stanley and Michael have been friends for years and it was perfectly natural that they would spend some time together. The Marsh girl’s and Hanscom boy’s mothers gathered far less frequently, but they had gotten together a couple times. As she thought about it the only parents of the kids that didn't’ at least stop and talk to one another were the Denbroughs, but that was understandable considering what happened to their youngest, and that horrible Sonia Kaspbrak. She was frequently the topic of conversation between the Hanlon’s, Uris’ and Toziers’.  Speaking of Richard and Edward that was the one secret her and Will kept from the other parent’s. They could tell that those two were sweet on each other. She did feel like she should tell Maggie but that wasn’t her place. It was up to those two boys to do. She briefly wondered if they were as obvious around the other parents as they seemed to be here on the farm with her and Will.

From the top of the steps Jess calls, “Andrea… Don how in the world are the two of you? Come in I have coffee and a roll for you.”

“Thank you Jessica. We can’t stay long.” Andrea says as the four of them make their way to the kitchen.

Upstairs in Mike’s room Stan and Mike were busy high-fiving each other over the fact that Stan was practically ordered to sleep in Mike’s room.

“I can’t believe I was just told to share your room.” Stan says to Mike as he pulls him into a hug.

“I know. She knows there’s only one bed in here and I know she won’t stand for you to sleep on the floor. Are you OK sharing a bed with me? I promise not to put the moves on you tonight.” Mike tells him chivalrously.

Stan smiles, “Well that’s too bad. I was hoping you would put some moves on me tonight.”

“STAN!” Mike exclaims.

“I’m joking. Really I’m… I’m really not ready…” Stan admits red flaring up his neck to his ears and looking at his feet in embarrassment.  

“That’s ok. Cuddle?” Mike chuckles and shoulder bumps Stan to relieve the tension.

“Cuddling would be great. Maybe some spooning?” Stan asks.

“Spooning… yeah ok. We can figure out which of us is the big spoon and who is the little spoon.” Mike smiles at Stan and pull him into a hug.

At that they break up the hug, blush and busy themselves with putting Stan’s items away.

“Will… Jessica that was delicious. Your coffee is always the best. But we really have to be off.” Donald sadly admits. They had only been there for half an hour but that had been enough time to talk about the kids, work and the farm. Basically enough time to renew their own friendship with each other.

“Jessica that sweet roll was delicious. Can you give me the recipe?” Andrea asks Jessica.

“Of course. It’s an old family one. Would you like it right now?” Jessica asks.

“Oh lord no. Next time will be just fine.” Andrea waves off Jessica who had started to rise from the table.

“I’ll send it home with Stanley.” Jessica offers.

“Perfect.” Andrea tell her.

They all stand and make their way to the base of the stairs. At which point William yells, “BOYS! Stan, come down your folks are leaving.”

The two of them come stampeding down the stairs. Stan gives his mom a hug and peck on the cheek and his father a hug. “See you on Sunday.” He tells them.

“You mind Will and Jessica. She has permission to swat you one if you get out of hand.” Andrea admits.

“Mom. I would never get out of hand. Do I look like Richie?” Stan says actually offended.

“No sweetie, you don’t. But still Jessica swat him if the need arises.” Andrea smiles at Jessica.

“Of course. With all them boys here one of them is bound to get out of  hand.” Jessica admits.

Mike and Stan look at each other and chorus, “Richie.”

Andrea and Don head back to their car and the four of them wave as he turns around and heads back down the drive to Pasture Rd.

“So Mikey how was the game?” William asks.

The two boys begin to giggle as they head back into the house.

“What’s so funny?” Will asks.

Later that night, long after William and Jessica have gone to bed. Stan and Mike sit on opposite sides of the bed, in their pajamas, holding hands and talking about the day’s events and what’s coming up tomorrow. Both of them delaying the obvious.

“Mike I really should get to sleep otherwise I won’t be any use to you tomorrow.” Stan finally admits.

Mike tells leans over and whispers in Stan’s ear, “You are always useful to me. Dead on your feet or not. But you’re right we need to call it a night.”

Mike’s whisper made Stan break out in gooseflesh from what felt like the top of his head to his toes. After some surreptitious glances they settle back and lay down on Mike’s bed.

Stan comes to the sudden realization that he is actually sleeping with his boyfriend for the first time in his life. Sure they may not have sex, tonight, but he was in fact sleeping with Mike. Just the thought of it was enough to make his heart race, his temperature to rise, the breathing quicken, and a swelling in his pajamas to take place. “FUCK, I hope Mike can’t tell I have a boner.” He thinks.

Mike was also having very similar thoughts and feelings. But as he struggles with the sudden stiffness in his pajamas he couldn’t be happier. “This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.” He thinkst. “Lay in bed with the most handsome guy in the world.”

“Good night Stan.” Mike said quietly.

“Night, Mikey.” Stan replied equally as quiet.

The two laid side-by-side for the next hour neither one really falling asleep nor quite awake. Eventually sleep claimed them. Without knowing they turned on their sides and Mike slowly pulled a willing, and still sleeping Stan, to him. Stan subconsciously takes Mike’s hand and sighs and find out who the small spoon is.

[shootingstarcipher-blog]

Stardust (Chapter 1 - The Perfect Life)

Eddie couldn’t remember how they met. He thought it might have been in hospital, but then maybe that’s because he was lying awake in hospital right then, his mind overflowing with thoughts of Richie Tozier. Even though his greatest fear was coming true that very second. He was dying – he knew it. Even though he was always being made fun of for his fragility, even though he was constantly being told not to overreact and that he was nothing more than an over-dramatic hypochondriac, he knew at that moment he was dying. He was slipping away and all he could think of was Richie fucking Tozier.

And he hadn’t been able to stop thinking of him since that morning when it all began.

While he hated the idea of him never taking responsibility for his own actions, in a way he thought it was all Ben Hanscom’s fault. Ben, whose bright idea it had been to celebrate the beginning of summer with a sleepover, had somehow managed to convince his family to invite the rest of the Loser’s Club over and, seeing as they were guests in his home, he was the one who chose the sleeping arrangements. Beverly had slept in the bed whilst almost everyone else had ended up in sleeping bags sprawled across the floor, but as there wasn’t enough space for six people to sleep on the floor without it getting uncomfortable both Eddie and Richie wound up on the sofas in the living room, each with a pillow to rest on and a blanket for warmth.

They didn’t mind and in fact Eddie was glad to spend some time alone with Richie, until the older boy noticed how much he was relying on his inhaler that night and how his hands were shaking as he held it to his mouth, and the way his eyes snapped open instinctively before he could even begin to drift off to sleep. He was afraid and Richie knew it.

He’d lazily waved Eddie over and the younger boy had breathed deeply into his inhaler one final time before pushing back the blanket and crossing the floor to his friend, who in turn pushed away his own blanket and rolled onto his side, creating a small amount of space for Eddie. Eddie expected it to be uncomfortable but it wasn’t. Lying there with the heat of Richie’s chest pulsing through to his own, their faces almost touching but not quite, he thought to himself that nothing had ever felt so right in his life.

His fears were dissolving into a sweet sort of serenity he rarely felt, the drumming beat of Richie’s heart lulling him to sleep faster than he would have imagined.

It was only when he awoke the next morning, his face burrowing into the crook of Richie’s neck, that he felt his cheeks start to burn a deep shade of scarlet and he suddenly felt insecure, several of his friends staring at him while Richie slept peacefully beside him, oblivious to their watchful gazes. Stan decided to rather unhelpfully point out that they could have slept on their own individual sofas and asked whether he’d realised it would have been more comfortable that way. Eddie simply bit his lip and scowled, covering his face to hide his obvious blush.

Richie walked him home later that morning, their houses being relatively close together. They were the first two to leave Ben’s house and, while he may have simply been paranoid, Eddie was sure he heard snickering from his friends as they walked away.

He remained silent the entire time whereas Richie never shut up, repeatedly making jokes that he didn’t really find very funny but he laughed anyway because it was Richie.

When they reached the porch of Eddie’s house it became apparent that his anxious disposition stemmed from having to return home to his mother and, in acknowledgement of the fear he could see radiating from every trembling step the younger boy took towards his own home, Richie revealed a side of himself that not many people ever had the privilege of seeing. Following him up the steps, he reached out and took his hand, pulling him into something that was not quite an embrace but very nearly. It lasted for well over a minute and all Eddie could do was smile to himself at the feeling.

Richie disappeared a moment later, his slender silhouette vanishing around the corner just as Eddie’s mother opened the door.

Eddie only wished then, as he lay awake in bed with his gaze fixated on the hospital ceiling, that he had taken another moment or two to take in his best friend’s features – like the gentle waves of his hair, the way he pushed his glasses higher up on his face with his index finger whenever they slipped down too far, and how his dark eyes could suddenly become intense when he felt a powerful surge of emotion. He was really going to miss those things about him. And his stupid jokes that still managed to elicit a snicker from him, and the perpetual bickering that they both secretly enjoyed.

An angry beeping sound screeched at him from his bedside table, bringing his reminiscent reverie to an abrupt end. He snatched up his pills and swallowed them whole in response, years of experience making it second nature to him – so much so that he no longer needed to chase them down his throat with a glass of water.

His heartbeat was slowing. Maybe he wasn’t dying after all… But if that was the case, then why would he have been admitted to hospital? The doctors knew what they were talking about, so why admit him if everything was alright?

It hit him then that none of his friends even knew where he was. His mother had rushed him to hospital so damn fast he hadn’t had the chance to call any of them and let them know what was happening, and since then she hadn’t let him anywhere near the phone, insisting that he was so delicate that just walking down the corridor could be damaging to him. But he was feeling better now. The closest phone wasn’t far away (just a couple of doors away, on the wall outside his room). He glanced over at his mother, who was sleeping in the chair beside his bed, whispered a barely audible apology for his disobedience and slipped out of bed.

Upon reaching the phone he grabbed it from its place on the wall, held it firmly to his ear and dialled one of the only two numbers he knew by heart – Richie’s. He answered in a heartbeat.

“Eds? Are you okay?” He sounded half-asleep but not at all irritated by his late-night phone call, though Eddie immediately felt guilty for waking him up in the middle of the night.

“I’m… I’m in hospital – something to do with my heart but I don’t know why… I don’t know why this is happening. I’ve been taking my pills but I still ended up in here…” There were tears clinging to his eyelashes now, threatening to fall if he said anything else.

A few seconds of silence went by before Richie spoke up again. “I’ll be there in half an hour. Don’t go anywhere.” He hung up before Eddie had the chance to respond, leaving him standing there in the hallway, wondering where the hell he could have gone had Richie not told him to stay put. By the end of their miniscule conversation, the exhaustion had vanished from Richie’s voice, panic and concern in its place.

Returning to his room, Eddie did as his mother had told him earlier that day and woke her up to let her know he was feeling better; he did so from his bed, calling to her from across the room because he knew how she would react if she saw him out of bed for anything other than going to the bathroom. Within a matter of seconds she had left the room to find a nurse to inform them of the development of her son’s condition, while Eddie closed his eyes in the hopes of getting a few minutes sleep before Richie got there – though he suspected he wouldn’t be able to see him anyway (firstly because it was the middle of the night and he doubted the hospital staff would let him in, and even if he did manage to get in, he suspected his mother would put a stop to his visit the instant she found out about it).

She never had seemed to like Richie. Well, she’d always had something against each of his friends but she seemed to dislike Richie the most, never referring to him by his first name (always “that Tozier boy”) and refusing to have him in the house for more than a few minutes. She would have hated it if she’d caught sight of their not-quite-an-embrace that morning. And what’s more, she would have had an aneurysm if she’d known how last night’s sleeping arrangements had ended up.

Fortune was for once on Eddie Kaspbrak’s side and he found himself drifting off to sleep, the sound of a fist knocking against the glass window across from him waking him up just over thirty minutes later.

He glanced at the chair where his mother had been sitting earlier on. She was asleep again, snoring softly. With a small smile playing on his lips, he crossed the floor to the window which he promptly lifted open, allowing his visitor to climb inside. “How did you manage to get here at this time? Aren’t your parents mad? Do they even know you’re here?”

Shushing him, Richie shook his head, his stare gravitating to Eddie’s sleeping mother. “Jeez, she never leaves you alone, does she?” he joked, quietly striding over to the bed she was sitting beside. “Don’t worry about how I got here, Eddie. What’s important is that I am here.”

It was true and the simple fact that he was there was comforting enough to elicit a stifled yawn from him as he crawled back into bed, with Richie sitting cross-legged and incredibly wide-awake opposite him. “Eds, if you’re tired, just sleep. I’ll stay here until they drag me out kicking and screaming, I promise.” He smiled as if he was joking, but something about the way he said it made Eddie suspect – and hope – that he wasn’t.

But before he went back to sleep, Eddie wanted to speak with him in case he didn’t get a chance to later. “Something’s wrong with my heart, Rich. I don’t know why, but it keeps beating really fast and sometimes I can barely breathe – but it’s different to my normal attacks… I don’t know.”

“Lemme guess,” Richie started after thinking for a moment. “It happens when you think about a certain person, and after you start you just can’t stop thinking about them?” Eddie stared, amazed at how quickly he’d managed to comprehend his symptoms, and nodded, asking how he knew. “Just a hunch,” the older boy shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips and if Eddie hadn’t known any better, he would have sworn Richie was blushing.

Yawning again, the younger boy stretched out his arms before laying back down, pulling the blanket over himself for warmth. Richie curled up at the bottom of the bed, his every action that day – as far as Eddie was concerned – a symbol of his loyalty.

[tachibana-tenshi]

My 4 AM sleepless night rant

The topic: People

Just people in general.

I don't hate people, but I really don't like them. Coming from someone with aspergers, a more common sight these day, people are a nightmare. I'm terrible with people, I'm terrible with talking, I'm terrible with talking to people, and worst of all is arguing with people, which is a living hell. I've unfortunately been cursed to primarily have jobs that deal with customer interaction. Even when I specifically apply for jobs that involve data entry and dealing with paperwork, I still end up having to be the csr (customer service representative).

I'm so worn out having to deal with idiots, people with anger issues, victim mentalities, elitism, those who think they are entitled to anything and everything, hypocrites, liars, scammers, the list goes on, and yes, I have had to deal with all of these kinds of people in the past; some in my job, and some in my personal life.

People have brought me nothing but pain. As a kid, all of the people I called friend eventually moved away after 1-4 years with them due to living in a military area. Now that's not their fault, they can't help it that they have to get relocated several times, but for me, being the kid whose friends all moved away and never saw again, it's heartbreaking. I never had any real long lasting friends going through school, and was always jealous of those who did, wondering what it's actually like to have someone you could just call up and hang out for the day or weekend. I really wish I had that experience.

School wasn't any better either. Because of zone relocations, I had my elementary school years split into two different schools. I liked my first school, but I hated the second. My only memory of that school was being bullied by the other kids because I played by myself with toys and props instead of with other kids. More specifically, I remember during recess, I would take a jump rope, tie it around this giant rubber fish (I don't know why we had it, but we did) and I would drag it around the lot, sit down and talk to it and feed and pet it as if it was my own pet. Then some kids came up and laughed at me, pointing and exclaiming how I was so weird for doing that. I never did it again.

Middle school was weird but also very depressing. After my failures with public elementary school, my parents decided to try out private schools, which were separated into primary and secondary campuses or school days. I never really attended proper middle or high schools from this point onwards, just primary and secondary school separated at 7th and 8th grade. 6th and 7th I went to this one private school, but I was still bullied by kids most every day. My mother told me that it was almost an everyday occurrence for her to have to pick me up from school early and take me home because I was stuck in the principal's office crying over the things that happened to me today. I really did not enjoy going there.

From 8th grade onwards though, I attended a different private school where for the first time in my life, I was accepted. The kids didn't bully or harass me, and I actually became the most popular kid in school during 8th grade (I even had a day named after me, no joke). Once 9th grade came around, I had lost my popularity and became more of that sweet kid that nobody disliked, which was fine by me. I never really enjoyed being popular.

While high school was great and all, it was also when people were starting to get interested in each other, and boy has then been quite a ride. To keep things short, over my 5 years I spent at that school, I had gotten rejected 10 times, primarily friendzoned, but sometimes they just left. Like literally, they said nothing to me after a certain point and literally left the area and I never heard from them again.

My first experience with a "girlfriend" was actually rather depressing. I got approached out of the blue by a girl who asked if she could be my girlfriend. I was taken aback at first, but I said sure. She was cute, why not? I'll spend the time to get to know her, find out what she likes, be sweet to her. Her friends even told me to say or certain things to make her happy, which I did, but I didn't get the response I was expecting. She hated it when I did anything with her, sat next to her, called her by the nickname her friends advised me to use. I thought it was odd. I found out through a third party that she never liked me in the first place. She was dared to ask me out, and she did. I was rather heartbroken; I felt played with and treated like a toy.

From there, I tried to pursue other girls only to get rejection after rejection after rejection from every single girl. Naturally, I gave up. I must not be attractive. I'm probably a huge loser. I don't have any friends, why should I even think I could get a girlfriend? I didn't bother even trying to get close with anyone until a few years later at college, but it was essentially the same thing with being ignored, avoided, and rejected.

So far, people suck. We can also throw in my poor relationships with my father, brothers, and grandfather too. I hated men, I didn't want anything to do with women, and I didn't trust anyone. As bad as that was, it was nothing compared to the workplace.

Nothing really tells you how much you suck like losing your job, or rather, all your jobs. All the jobs I had I either quit because of customers harassing me, got let go because it was a temp job, had to leave because of school relocation, and terminated because I couldn't perform as well as they wanted me to and made too many mistakes. The school relocation was me moving away to college to get that "real college experience". Halfway through the year, I return home after the semester to a wonderful surprise: my parents are getting a divorce! Wew!

After that heartbreak, I go back to college for the second semester, stupidly fall for girls again, and once again get depressed over another crushing failure. My grades start dropping, and I eventually stopped attending classes and wouldn't get out of bed or even eat food for most of the day. I flunked every single class. I'm not even allowed to return to that college either until I prove I can get good grades again. I also got 12k in debt from tuition. Including my on and off community college class failures while working, I spent roughly 3 years in college, learned nothing of value, and got 12k in debt, right in time for me to not have any job after returning home. Wonderful.

I get to return home to my dad now living in a different house, and my mother crying a lot about it. Out of my siblings, one of them has already moved out and doesn't talk. One of them is a narcissistic prick, one of them is just difficult, and one is problematic, but a sweetheart. I don't get along very well with any of them except the youngest, who is really my only sibling who tells me they love me. Being the oldest and the most level headed kid in the house, I get to be the one to hear everyone's pains and problems, but to be honest, it feels like it's because I'm the only one who will actually listen. My siblings basically only live for themselves.

The most heartbreaking thing I had to witness was the last time I went to my father's house with my mother. It was around Christmas, and our biannual vacation got cancelled because if all the drama, so we were at home still. We went to my father's house, and that's when he gave my mother the divorce papers.

It was gut wrenching. Its night, and all my siblings (bar the one who moved away) are in the car, ready to go home. I'm in the passenger seat, and we're all waiting for our mother to come outside and drive home. It's been about 10 minutes, and I knew that shit was going down inside. I knew that mother wasn't going to come out there smiling and happy, so I slid into the driver's seat, knowing I was going to have to drive this time. I wanted to be wrong, I wanted it to all be a lie, but my mother comes out, gets in the passenger's seat, and says absolutely nothing. My siblings, who are typically very chatty, and I could just feel the depression when she got in, and we all knew what happened inside dad's house. I spent the next 10-15 minutes driving home, everyone dead silent, my mother trying her best not to cry. I turned on the radio because it was too much to bear.

And now I'm here, stuck losing all my jobs, never having money to go or do anything outside of paying my stupid debts and bills, no friends, a broken family, no real relationship with most of my siblings, and no defined goal or future. My parents don't like the things I like or make me happy, every time my mother enters the same room as me, I'm scared she is going to get mad at me, I wake up every morning with dread, expecting some kind of note telling me something I did wrong or didn't do correctly, and the only time my family ever wants to talk to me is when they want me to drive somewhere to pick up or drop off or take someone somewhere.

I spend almost every waking moment either in a game or on YouTube because I don't want anything to do with real life. Truth be told, I actually get nervous twitches, panic attacks, and have even completely broken down screaming and crying while curled up on the floor from just thinking about living here in this world, all the shit that I have to deal with, and all the debts, failures, and expectations that have been set on me.

I cut off all my emotions and my ability to speak when I get overwhelmed like this, and the only way I've ever really been able to open my heart and mind is when I can put pen to paper, whether it be physically or digitally. This is my cry for help. I don't expect anyone to listen. I don't expect anyone to help. But I don't want to go unheard and forgotten...