#everything's such a huge fucking hassle and I don't feel well

[seafearing]

folks i am N O T ready for winter ! ! !

truly idk maybe i should set up a 10 year plan to move away from the north. i can't take the winters, i can't i can't. here is a RANT

there's literally no visible sky for weeks on end ! forget seeing the sun, that's a given that it's gone, you will miss seeing the SKY! all you see is gray thick cloud coverage and then pitch BLACK darkness ! this lasts for months on end! it's like living in a fucking sinkhole! you are fucking dead inside, and no supplemental vitamin D can cure dead inside-disease!

and then the fucking cold! feels like -36c how about the fuck NOT! i don't want to scream from pain when i walk trussed up like a michelin man through the streets in feels like -36c and then the wind from the baltic sea slices through my ears! i genuinely have screamed cos it's so painful ! and i have a fucking thick insulated hat! i've walked the streets with my eyes streaming with tears from the icy wind only to have them freeze right away on my cheeks and eyelashes !

the fucking AIR as well when it's so cold! great you're inside, but it's so dry, 12% moisture at home and the skin of my hands slices off and gets infected, and my entire face burns, the corners of my mouth slice open, and the full body rashes, fucking god! the air genuinely hurts the nose to breathe in, bronchitis and a sore throat the constant companions. and going somewhere, if you're privileged enough to afford it, you truss yourself up with layers and layers of really fucking expensive winter gear to survive and when you arrive to the mall or train or wherever the fuck, you become a human melting stick in a fucking instant

just getting anywhere outside is a fucking hassle that may injure you. taking out the trash? walk on fucking ICE and try not to fall and break your wrist/ankle! put on ice cleats on the shoes and slip and slide through to get to work and the store, looking down at the fucking black ice and up at the huge ice sheets getting ready to fall down on you from the roofs of buildings ! and this is no joke, i know someone permanently disabled because an ice block fell from them from the roof of a building

and the accessibility when you're disabled, everything is 100000 times more difficult and trying to find a work around for taking out the trash when you can't lift heavy things and there's 50 cm of snow outside is like! just get fucked ig! i'm already thinking of how to get provisions for winter because i can still carry things with my bike

it just really really fucking sucks! i'm so fed up with it! i don't want to fucking go through another winter in my life! thank you!

[empty-pizza]

thoughts on gideon the ninth chapter thirty-five

lmao that's rough gideon. i'd feel like shit if i did that to someone too, even if it's not actually a bad thing to do and not your fault.

okay, it was dulcinea who killed people. yeah, that's better than ianthe. sorry for jumping the gun and blaming ianthe, last chapter. i did realize she wasn't implying it was her who did the killing midway through, though.

i maintain that this still isn't wholly surprising — the sick one, the one you'd never suspect, did it? wow, exactly what i'd expect — and making it harrow could have been a really bold and interesting move, but it works.

ohhh, it wasn't dulcinea septimus. okay, i see. not following why abigail's interest in history made her a threat, but we can keep going. the details of who she is (someone from the same family) are a bit hard to follow, but okay — she kept the corpse around and burned it with protesilaus's.

okay. this person wanted to get the emperor to come back to the system and fuck with him. who are the Hands? and now she wants to get rid of the houses while he waits, and then do... something to him?

oh this is a lyctor, huh. interesting.

oh and palamedes is already killing her

did palamedes just blow himself up?

that's a shame. he was my favorite character.

damn she really did vomit up a lung.

Cytherea the First, huh. soon to be Cytherea the dead, I hope.

Okay. I'd appreciate if any of the people who have been commenting on my post could tell me the foreshadowing for Dulcinea being the murderer, and Dulcinea not being Dulcinea. By the way, I appreciate all of your comments a ton, even though I haven't been replying (because apparently tumblr doesn't let you reply with your sideblog and using my main while mentioning I'm OP just kinda seemed like a hassle).

From a mystery perspective, I don't love this answer. I want two things for a mystery answer: One, to feel like it ties together so many pieces of evidence and foreshadowing that I realize I should have realized it all along and feel dumb. Two, ideally, for it to expand my perception of what is even possible as answer, which is pretty rare. Something like Knives Out, that treats the entire role of culprit in a unique way.

This is why I got really hyped up for the Harrow theory; I feel like her plot role was one you'd never expect to be the culprit and thus it'd be mindblowing if it was. I think it being not-Dulcinea is considerably more... regular, as a thing for a mystery story to do. I mean, I kind of called it early on that it could very well be her, since it would cause the most emotional pain for Gideon. I don't get credit for being right, because when it came time for me to put my money where my mouth is, I didn't say it was her. But like I said earlier, the sick, unassuming character? Kind of becomes just plain old assuming.

But that's just my preferences and personal expectations being projected onto a book that didn't necessarily need to conform to my ideas, and it works narratively nonetheless. I mean, clearly it does. And I hope that knowing what the foreshadowing is will enhance my appreciation. Plus, I don't even know what she did to kill Jeannemary and Isaac yet! Hope that's interesting.

From an entirely different perspective, though, this reveal is awesome. I love stories that start as one thing, only to unfold into something much bigger and more complex. That's something I like even more than the answer to the mystery being something I never would have considered — when the direction of the plot itself is like that. This started as a story about a bunch of people solving puzzles in a facility, but Dulcinea actually being Cytherea, a Lyctor, suddenly thrusts this story into something WAY bigger. There are so many questions I don't even understand well enough to ask, about the Houses, the history here, the emperor, the hands, the Lyctors, everything that's going on! This is a huge game that's being played and I am seriously looking forward to all the insane things I'd never expect that the next book will likely do. The possibilities are genuinely endless in my mind, of what this story will even be about, and that's a feeling I love. That, more than anything else, is the best thing you could take in inspiration from Homestuck and Umineko.

I'll hopefully finish the book tomorrow, but I seriously need to sleep now.

[verosikastrikerstellaexcuser]

Just a random fun post about owl characters to lighten the mood

A little fun fact about me guys is that I have worked with owls IRL in a zoo setting. I am fucking NUTS about owls (and birds of prey and just birds as a whole generally).

Believe me when I say that I wanted to like St*las because God I LOVE owls and I loved his huge legs initially (owls often have really quite long legs under their floof, its just usually hidden so it felt like a fun thing about him).

I tried to cling onto still liking him for as long as possible solely because hes an owl but ultimately I just couldn't... given everything.

Anyway, that aside, since it was a shame he sucked so bad despite being such a cool animal, if you'd like some fun owl themed characters that I know of. Then here are 3 better ones! Hehe

Rengoku from Demon Slayer is described by another one of the slayers as reminding them of an owl. And indeed, for a human, he really does resemble an eagle owl! I would say that his design is delightfully owlish lol.

Then there is Sniper TF2.

Sniper is associated with owls a bit by the game, and I think this is a great design. He is usually quieter than the others, hes the type to sit back and listen to them bicker without getting involved - he'd is quiet and would rather not bother with the hassle. He's a loner. He likes being "safe" up in his sniper nest. He is stealthy and relies on positioning himself well and waiting for the right moment to strike. Without the element of surprise and stealth, for example if ambushed, he is at a severe disadvantage. All of these are very owlish qualities to me, they match owl hunting strategies, so it feels really fun that the game associated him with them!

And lastly, while very obvious, a character I can't forget here either... is Eda!

Shes a great character for countless reasons I don't even need to get into <3

[latenightbyeol]

I have returned to Eldarya after a million more years. It's time. Yes, it's time to get serious with completing the story, even if I will hugely forget everything going on per episode, but oh well, WHO THE FUCK CARES AM I RIGHT LMAOOOOJSKSJSJS. Also, it's time for me to collect more new fantasy clothes and accessories. Obviously. Because I actually kinda miss doing that, even though using your companion to collect is a major hassle... Nonetheless, I guess that's what we call as ✨️fun✨️, I suppose. My username is Mochim if you want to send me a friend request there. I accept all requests. 🤍

I came back because.... I'm also currently waiting for the app for MCL new gen to be released. They said it was "coming soon"... so who knows when that will be lol. My new gen user is Subin#765 by the way! Feel free to send friend requests over there too! I will accept those as well. I'm only playing new gen for customization and well- Jason. 👁🫦👁🖤

I don't have a working computer unfortunately 🤣 only a phone and a tablet which is exactly what this game doesn't want 😂😂😂

Anyways... byes for now

[saintsir4n]

3

WARNINGS: LIGHT ANGST

___

1914

SMALL heath was home to many, the old, young, poor and greedy.

But to Eden, she was glad her closest friends were born there; Lorenzo Changretta and Dorris Martin.

Considering factories pushed more smoke into the air and the lungs of its people, finding a place of peace was challenging. But they found somewhere where they wouldn't be bothered. Near the tracks, where the trains passed at high speed, was the vast Moore, it was green despite the cold temperature and surprisingly silent. Of course, it was a place where people visited, but it was all about picking the right time of day.

That's why the three friends sat against a huge tree trunk, wrapped up in their coats and scarves overlooking the passing trains.

A poor man's peace, Lorenzo - also known as Enzo - loved to call their little hideout.

Ever since the raid a couple of days ago, the police shockingly didn't bother the streets as much as usual, for some reason which was unknown to the masses but not to a certain family. Although Isaiah was still up in arms over his favourite toy being snatched, Finn promised he would share his every other night. The two boys were closer than ever. Tommy made Eden a priority and continued to take her to his uncle's yard whenever they weren't at the Garrison or with his closest friends; Greta and Freddie. The calculating Shelby was angered and frustrated that he didn't prevent the raid from happening earlier and Eden could see he was overcompensating for that.

"Dotty why didn't you tell me what happened to your bed?" Eden suddenly asked, turning to the girl on her left.

"Enzo!?" Dorris snapped, leaning forward and shooting the biggest glare at the boy on the other side of Eden.

Enzo rolled his eyes, "What? The police, bastardi, fucked up your bed and everything. You've been sleepin' in your mum's bed, and you didn't want me to say shit? No way."

Eden kept looking at Dorris, "Why didn't you tell me? I went over yours a couple of days ago."

"I was embarrassed, y'know I never want to hassle you."

"Well tough," Eden playfully shoved her, "I'll get my dad to go over later."

Now, Dorris hated handouts or help of any kind, preferring to get on with things on her own, refusing to ask for anything at any time, unless it was a life or death situation or she was having troubles with a man.

"Edie..." she trailed off, grimacing as she turned back to the smokey view.

Eden shook her head, "Shut it, just accept the help. A broken bed, that explains why you're walking funny."

"You sure it ain't because of Angel?" Enzo asked, laughing at the shock on her face, Eden joined in.

"Shut up," Dorris groaned, "I don't wanna talk about your brother."

"There's a first. What did he do now?"

"I saw him talking to that whore," she spat, earning confused looks.

"Who?" Eden decided to ask, readjusting her hat.

"Lizzie Stark."

"Dotty, she ain't a whore. She's in a bad place... I think."

Eden sympathised with Lizzie Stark. Sure, they never spoke but Eden heard the whispers. The streets knew everything, and the eyes of small heath made sure to back up the stories. Lizzie was only a year or two older than Eden and left school early to help her mum, but the occasional odd jobs led her to take customers... clients of sorts.

Everyone had to make money somehow.

Enzo made a face, "And she only asked him to carry her bag. I don't know what you girls put into them — fuckin' broke my arm last time I carried yours."

"We all know carrying a bag is the first step to get him in her bed," Dorris was adamant her... lover? No, man, was led astray, despite having no proof whatsoever.

"Angel has only got eyes for you," Eden reassured, "only you."

"I suppose Luca told you that," Dorris said, with a wry smile, making her frown.

"I don't speak to Luca. Him and me are done. Finished."

Eden and Luca weren't even together for long, but she did feel a great deal for him, even believing that she was in love, but she was never sure. Luca never pressured her despite being four years older, their relationship started and ended during her eighteenth year on Earth. Why they broke up was because he wanted a wife and she didn't want to be one so young.

"Tell that to him," Enzo hissed when he received a pinch to the arm because of his chuckling.

"Angel told me that he wanted to talk to you," Dorris added, "to apologize about how shit went down."

"I bet that..." Enzo struggled not to speak ill about the Shelbys in front of Eden, but the pointed look on her told him to keep his mouth shut, "Shelby of yours ain't taking that too kindly."

Eden sighed, "Tommy knows all about me and Luca. And how it's in the past."

"The past doesn't always stay in the past for long," Dorris joked.

"Dotty don't you start, I already know Tommy has a jealous streak."

"I see it in his eyes, big blue beady fuckers. Hate them."

Enzo hastily agreed, "Yeah, Edie next time you see him, tell him to shut them while your at it."

The two started laughing at her, causing her face to settle in her hands.

Tommy did have the bluest eyes. The whole family did. But Tommy's were different, you could never really escape them.

Eden tossed her head back in annoyance, "Shut your traps, flies won't have a problem flyin' in with how wide yours are," they ceased their laughter, but couldn't stop their grins, "Now enough speaking about those brothers of yours, and Tommy. What about you? What did you want to tell us?"

Enzo grew silent at the question.

Eden and Dorris exchanged a confused look before turning back to him in curiosity.

He didn't speak, instead, he pulled out a few sandwiches and a flask full of tea that his mother provided him with. The girls were thankful because Mrs Changretta's sandwiches were world-class.

Audrey Changretta taught at the local school and was almost everyone's favourite teacher, even the Shelbys got along with her, which drove her sons up the wall, since they always fought and when her sons told their mum about it, she claimed they Arthur, Tommy and John were kind boys which only pissed them off more.

Eden cast Enzo a grateful smile, "Your mum made Sardolive sandwiches again."

Seeing the pout appearing on Dorris' face, he said, "And a tomato soup one for you Dotty, calm down, we all know how picky you are."

"I'm not apologising for havin' taste," Dorris said with a shrug, then took a bite of the well-made sandwich.

Enzo objected, "Can't have too much of it, your datin' my brother."

Eden snorted, almost choking on the tea she drank, gaining their attention.

"Oh, you can't talk, at least Angel ain't walking around with a razor in his cap," Dorris snapped, feeling the need to defend her choice in men.

Eden squinted, "No, Angel just loves to carry guns. – Wait we're getting off-topic, stop distracting us Enzo, but tell your mum thanks for the sandwiches —"

Trying to speak with her mouth full, Dorris' agreed, "—Yes, they're the best—"

"—But what did you want to tell us?" Eden pressed, patting Dorris' back when she started to choke.

Enzo checked over Dorris before throwing his hands up, "Christ, fine, remember when I told you I went to the market."

"There's many," the women deadpanned.

"You know the one, buon dio, by Little Italy."

Eden realised, "Near Digbeth?

"You spend enough time 'round there," Enzo said, shaking his head, "I was on an errand for Mum when I saw someone."

"Gotta be more clear than that," Dorris rolled her eyes, "he saw someone, in a market, did ya hear that Edie?"

"In the little Italy market," Eden feigned shock, all while Enzo wished he kept his mouth shut, "who would've thought."

"Remember Steven? Stevie Gallo from school?" he asked, ignoring their quips.

Furrowing her brows, Eden asked, "The one you always used to fight when you weren't fightin' John!"

Fighting off a smile, he nodded, "That one."

Dorris shrugged, "What about 'im?"

"Well, I saw him, saw him. Properly... all of him when he dragged me off behind one the market stalls he was working at."

And suddenly a light switched on in their heads.

"Oh... you saw 'im," Eden was the first to speak.

Dorris gasped, "All of 'im?"

Enzo nodded, "Sì." Then took a bite of his sandwich.

"And he saw... all of you?"

"Most of me, it's January, colder than ever y'know."

"Is that you're excuse? Look if you're small down there Enzo that's nothing to be ashamed of —"A scream escaped Eden when he tossed a rogue olive at her head, "what? Plenty of your lot like small tools don't they?"

"I'm not small! It's not small," he exclaimed, even sparing a glance at his trousers, while the girls giggled to themselves.

Eden leaned over to Dorris, "You hear that Dotty? It ain't small."

Dorris hummed, "Not small at all apparently."

Enzo sent glares their way, "I don't know why I tell you anything, dio santo. "

Recovering from her laughter, Eden asked, "Alright alright calm down, I have questions."

"When don't you," he received another pinch to the arm, "Go on then."

"Did you at least kiss?"

A blush crept onto his face, "...yeah, not for long, he was too busy talkin'."

"What, with his mouth full?" Dorris joked, with her mouth full of food.

"Oh fuck off," The girls waited for an answer, making him cave, "He preferred talkin' more than anythin'. He wanted to take me to his, he lives alone now y'know?"

Their eyes widened with intrigue, Dorris was taken aback, "He does?"

Eden excitedly nodded, "That's bostin'."

"A one-bedroom flat, everything was on top of everything. He said he took me there 'cause he didn't want Mrs Granberry peeping a thing."

They gagged at the mention of the woman.

That ruined Eden's thoughts completely, "She was there?"

"Nosy cow's everywhere, even at church last Sunday, tryna get me to dance with her, wasn't she dot?"

Dorris laughed at the memory, "Funniest thing."

"The cheek of that woman, always needin' to sing louder than the rest of us," Eden muttered, flinching at the memories.

Even after Eden stopped going to church, Dorris was still forced by her mum, similar to Enzo, since his family were Roman Catholics. Every inch of the Changretta house was decorated with some religious symbol, believing that the day Jesus returned to earth in his physical form they would be recognised as the most devout. Enzo thought it was a bunch of bullshit, since if he ever dared to admit he preferred the company of men, he would be crucified. Angel was a believer in his faith but not as much as his oldest brother Luca.

Enzo agreed, "I know. But after he took me back to his, he didn't want to do anything, not much 'part from talk and kiss sometimes..."

"And..." Eden motioned for him to go on.

"And what?" he didn't get what she was hinting at.

Dorris wondered, "Did you like it?"

"It was nice."

"Only nice?" she scrunched up her face, "When I give you information about my love life I give you details, everything, the whole nine yards."

"Too much considering it's my brother you're on about," he murmured just before taking a sip of the flask.

Eden put down the rest of her sandwich and said, "Come on Enzo, when I kiss Tommy, it feels right, slow, well whenever he ain't tryin' to get into my –."

"-- little garden of Eden?" he couldn't help but say, making Dorris fight off a smile. Both of them had to dodge the kicks she tried sending their way.

"Yeah yeah. And I hate saying it, but when we kiss, it makes me feel all funny inside."

"Sounds like you have wind."

Eden's face fell, "Come on! What does it feel when you kissed Stevie?"

Dorris asked, "He's a tall lad ain't he? Same height as you?"

"He is," Enzo nodded.

Enzo and his brothers were always the tallest around, it often intimidated everyone, despite them being friendly and their occasional outbursts, but what man didn't have them in this day and age?

"Then was he gentle?" Dorris worried that Enzo could get hurt with all his back-alley rendezvous with men.

They weren't safe in the slightest and it only took the wrong person to expose her friend or even beat him up.

"If he wasn't he's gonna hear it from me," Eden claimed.

Dorris nodded, "And me."

Enzo smiled at them, loving that they would stand up for him, but considering they were fairly small, he wouldn't let them ever get involved in his business.

He told them, "Girls he was nice. Just nice, but he wanted to get to know me, all we did at school was fight and he apologised for that."

"He did?" Dorris rose a brow.

Eden laughed, "No one apologises around here, must be true love."

Enzo didn't have a response to that which they took note of and shared a small smirk.

__

The trio laughed and sang down the road. Enzo had his best friends on either arm, leaving the watchers by to wonder how he did it. Two women and one man? Most believed that it was a sham, a facade that he was friends with two women they would classify as beautiful despite their darker skin, but they tried not to pay attention to all the talk, but it was pretty consuming.

Especially when Enzo turned his gaze to the man who stood in front of Eden's door.

Thomas Shelby.

Their smiles fell when they noticed the other.

Eden and Dorris' singing died down when they noticed Enzo's sudden change in mood.

"What–" Eden quickly followed his gaze, and Dorris soon followed.

When they ended up in front of each other, it was all a mess, a silent one, but a mess nonetheless.

Tommy didn't take his eyes off the embrace Enzo had Eden in.

Enzo was taller than Tommy, many were, but the look on Tommy's face was meaner.

"Shelby," Enzo spoke up first.

Tommy itched to put his cap to use but instead, he said, "Changretta. Martin." he sent Dorris a look, completely skipping over Eden which ruined her mood as she dropped Enzo's arm.

Dorris withheld a laugh, "Shelby."

Eden narrowed her eyes at him, "If you say my last name, Thomas..." Her warning fell on deaf ears.

"I was waitin', but I see you were busy today," he still hadn't glanced at her, his eyes stayed on Enzo which she took as disrespect.

"I told you that yesterday," she said, irritated by his attitude.

"You did."

Enzo decided to cock his head to the side and say, "Didn't realise spendin' time with friends was a problem."

Tommy's jaw clenched even more, "Did I say that?"

"You didn't have to."

The stare-down the men were having was becoming more and more uncomfortable.

"What's this? A staring contest," Eden snapped her fingers in their faces, only causing them to slightly glare at her and blink, "look at that, none of you won."

"I'll see you when I see you, Edie," Enzo made sure the kiss he pressed to Eden's cheek was loud enough for Tommy to hear, "Come on Dotty, let's get you home, wouldn't want to be prosecuted for spendin' time with another girl, would I?"

"Suppose not," Dorris couldn't suppress her giggling, "bye Edie," she waved at the girl then sent Tommy a stiff nod, that he didn't return since his impenetrable stare stayed on Enzo as he walked off with her.

"My god, you'd think you and him were having it off with each other by the way you stared at him, didn't even give me a kiss or anything," Eden muttered.

Tommy turned back to Eden, the woman he'd been waiting for about an hour. He'd knocked on her door a few times and no one came, meaning that her parents were working and she too was busy like she said. His brothers were out, no doubt causing havoc, Ada was off helping Polly with a task and he wanted to see his girl.

"Wow," she huffed out a humourless laugh, "nothing? Fine then, move aside so I can get into my house. Honestly, Thomas, the cold air is warmer than you."

"I was waitin' for you, wanted to take you out."

She feigned shock, "Oh you were? Too bad I'll be inside reading whilst you go off and glare at Enzo."

"Look -–"

"No," he was taken aback by her tone. Stepping forward, she jabbed a finger into his chest, "You don't get to act all entitled, the least you could've done was greeted me or kissed me, did you do any of that? No. hate my friends all you want, but respect them, respect me or get lost alright?"

"Alright," he played it cool, but internally he was panicking.

"Just alright?" she scoffed and went to move, "fuckin' joker if you think you can just stand here and not even compliment how beautiful I looked today..." he cracked a smile, "Oh now you wanna smile, when you were acting as if someone pissed in your cereal this morning, just go home Thomas.

"I'm sorry," he caught her hand before she could move around him, "I shouldn't have acted like a fool —"

"—Got that right—"

"—And I should've greeted you first because you're my priority. I said that didn't I? Besides saying you're beautiful is an understatement, possibly an insult," he stroked her cheek and lifted her chin, so she could look into his eyes, christ they were so fucking blue, she thought, "Look, see if I'm lyin', I can't be, you're more than beautiful. And if it's compliments you're after, you'll get 'em, you'll get more than that if you agree to let me take you out."

No one apologises around here, must be true love. She thought about her earlier words and sighed.

Still lost in her only mind, she stayed silent, resulting in him leaning down, trailing his lips down her ear, breathing against her neck and making her lose her train of thought.

"I'll give you something extra, so you can forgive me."

"And what's that?"

"You'll see...but then again, you can never keep your eyes from rolling back for too long can you darlin'? M'suppose it's my fault then ey?"

She gulped harshly, still struggling to find the right words, further amusing him.

The chuckle that escaped his lips, made her shiver.

"Is that a yes?" he alright knew her answer.

Eden found the courage to pull out of his hold and stare into his mirthful eyes to say...

"...when's the date?"

Tommy smirked.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

a/n:

someone tell edie to stand up. i can't because i wouldn't.

any thoughts on this chapter?

[winterandwords]

🌃 Project Frequency Update: 23 October 2022 (with bonus doggo content)

📖 WIP summary 📢 Join the tag list

📝 Status

Editing draft 02 I managed to let draft 01 sit for a couple of weeks, which isn't as long as I'd hoped for but the brain wants what it wants. I did a read-through, made a fuckload of notes, and now I'm working my way through them, doing the edits.

✅ Next step

Finish draft 02, rest, then begin draft 03 I think draft 03 will probably be a very close-up line edit. I feel like all the plot stuff and technical stuff will be solid after draft 02, then I can just obsess over finding exactly the right words for things (which is my favourite part).

💜 Feels

I got to the bottom of some lingering bleh that had been floating around my head about writing (I rambled about it here, if you want to read about that) and it felt like the last piece that needed to fall into place to allow me to beat the shoulds into submission.

It's had a really positive effect on my writing process because I've finally managed to break through a life-long pattern of works well under pressure (self-destructive) and I'm feeling a lot more chill about everything. Writing isn't my career or my job and I don't want it to be. It's something I do because I enjoy it, which is equally valid, and now I'm...actually enjoying it. No pressure, no stress, no hassle. Just creativity and good vibes.

✍ Snippet

Gillen stares into the space between us, watching particles of air or drifting sounds. It might just be the way I’m seeing things right now, but something about him seems softer, less protected than usual. “Death,” he says. Everything beyond him is a blur. Everything in my head is a blur too. “What about it?” “It suits you.” “I guess so.” And maybe it does. However I came to be wearing it, maybe I still slide my arms into it and wrap it around myself. It keeps everyone else out. Or it keeps me in. He turns my hands over on the table and runs his fingers down the ladders of healed cuts and burns on my forearms. “You look dangerous.” “Because of the scars?” He shakes his head. “Nothing to do with the scars.”

👀 Bonus bits

I'm absolutely cheating here because this month's bonus bits have nothing to do with the book. Just over a week ago, we adopted a traumatised doggo and that's where almost all my time has been going. She's a huge gentle soul and she's so happy when we're having cuddles or she's doing zoomies round the garden, but she's terrified of everything and needs constant contact and reassurance.

She hasn't left my side since we got her. I have to sit next to her when I feed her or she won't eat. She sleeps in bed with me when my husband is at work (and with both of us on his nights off). I keep finding scars on her body and legs. She wakes up in the middle of the night crying and shaking and won't go back to sleep unless I'm holding her.

I try not to think too much about what she went through when she was a pup because it makes me so fucking angry (may the people who hurt her get exactly what they deserve) and I'd rather channel that energy into loving her and helping her live her best life.

This is my daughter Shadow. She's beautiful and I love her.

💜 Tag list

Thanks for your support and encouragement! Comment or message me to be added or removed. @drabbleitout @ezestreet @i-can-even-burn-salad @manathen @thegreatobsesso

[arklayraven]

my buddy, всё будет хорошо! 💛 i think this is all the misunderstanding of intent? tell me if i am wrong but i think you were ask not to post exclusive files from discord so you take it down without a hassle, yes? we can appreciate the effort for it, so good job and thank you 😄 i see before there were others on X who do something similar and they take down their post at the devs will, so you are not alone. but the dev already ask us not to let the exclusive files leave discord and it is up to us the fans to honor it. so i think since you take down everything there should be no problem left? but maybe i am wrong. if you like i will contact the 14dwy dev on your behalf to get answers because i think this is a misunderstanding! 😧 i think you ask for communication too since i follow your posts so this will be good idea. many thanks and happy pride month if you partake with it!

Wasn't gonna say anything but need to talk about this since its bothering me again.

Yes I was asked to take down something, that was just a cropped imaged from a screenshot from the game. It wasn't even that huge of a spoiler? It was just the same status message from Ren in game from previous versions, but with his pronouns visible. Which, we know already, and the small feature was made public to all to see and know of. No matter if they play the game or not. But I still took it down out of request from a mod from that server who reached me.

I believed things to be fine now...Then was contacted again by them, but they came off so...unfriendly...And it bothered me lots.

Again. I thought the situation was resolved, but clearly I was wrong.

Also feeling I had to apologize, again, which I did just hoping this would stop.

I then realized from this all, they only reached out to me again, because they went through my blog, to find stuff to come after me for.

Then I felt honestly stalked at that point, and felt not even comfortable on my own blog and space here. I blocked the person who reached me, because again, I felt upset by this all.

It just ruined my experience for the series for me for a while, that I deleted my old writing blog for it, and felt i couldn't make edits for it as well, etc. I've been working on healing/moving on from it all however, made a new blog to start over. (tho will be keeping some stuff more privated/untagged now. since the whole situation just ruined a lot for me. especially fucked with me more since I deal with high anxiety.)

But what bothered me most over this all, is being contacted by that mod, than directly by the dev over this situation. Which I feel, could of been resolved better, if the dev just reached out to me first instead.

I understand people are busy and can't reach out to everyone on time, but would of appreciated a more nicer direct approach by them, or a attempt...Instead of being contacted by someone else with this clear power trip they had going on...and just seemed like they wanted to go after someone or start something.

Also on your offer to contact the dev, I just don't know if it'll do anything to help me feel better or others who were effected as well. So i personally don't see it as necessary I guess... (Like damage has been done from this all, you know? So yeah...)

The only best I want and ask from this all however, is this to not happen to anyone else ever again. No one deserves to be stalked or harassed, especially over a video game. It's not fun feeling like you aren't safe to post/whatever on your own blog, and not feel welcomed to just share your love a series. So I hope no one ever has to deal with this again.

[irishvampireboy]

hello haiiiii, sorry for disappearing for a couple a days. been kinda busy with someone and not on tumblr, but i am back now! hope you've been doing well <3

responding to your stuff to my last ask now:

yeah yes, exactly! it's so easy to just disengage rather than stay and make yourself or others feel bad. or even block someone if you don't like their energy. it's not a hard thing and it's a little pet peeve of mine here to be completely honest. sometimes people would rather send anonymous hate etc than to press the block button? like??? 😭

oh god, yeah, that does sound exhausting. i remember having some kind of nail markers when i was like 6 or something and they actually fucking sucked. could've been cause they were cheap or because i was just 6, but the real answer goes unknown. sounds like a good investment though!

apologies for making you probably check your notes everyday expecting me, hope it wasn't a huge hassle if true. promise to try and be consistent more. i wanna be and it's fun :] so!

-🦇

BATTY! YOU'RE BACK! I hope everything's going okay!!!

I honestly don't understand anon hate AT ALL. like... its so much easier, and less energy, to just say nothing and either remove that person from your orbit or get outta their orbit. It seems so simple, but, alas, is not apparently.

Yeah i could see them being crappy, for both cheap reasons and being 6 reasons. Hahaha! I honestly just need a teeenyy brush to use in my nail polish. That might work just fine. And I'll probably never do either one but good ideas! Ahahah!

Oh no worries. I check my notes meticulously everyday anyway. Probably more than i should. But i dont wanna miss if people are saying fun things in their tags or talking to me or what have you! (But its totally okay cuz i was away playing Tears of The Kingdom for quite a bit anyway! Got back into it and am addicted once again.)

[pesterloglog]

Vriska Serket, Tavros Nitram

Act 6, page 4839-4840

VRISKA: Tavros, this fucking sucks.

TAVROS: wHAT,

VRISKA: What do you mean, "wHAT,"?

VRISKA: For starters, that completely horri8le shared 8ody resurrection 8ullshit that just happened.

VRISKA: You were there, remem8er? That's kind of the point!

TAVROS: oH, yEAH,

TAVROS: i DON'T KNOW, iT WASN'T SO BAD,

TAVROS: i THINK MAYBE WE WERE OVERREACTING, aBOUT BEING ONE PERSON?

VRISKA: Overreacting my ass!

VRISKA: What a nightmare. It's still making my ghostly skin crawl just thinking a8out it.

TAVROS: nO, i THINK i'VE DECIDED, yOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE,

TAVROS: iT WAS COOL BEING ALIVE AGAIN FOR A WHILE, aS A STRANGE UNSETTLING MUTANT,

TAVROS: iF WE DIDN'T EXPLODE OURSELF SO FAST, iT COULD HAVE BEEN AN ADVENTURE, mAYBE,

VRISKA: Oh, sure. That's easy for you to say.

VRISKA: You weren't the one getting the short end of the shared personality stick!

VRISKA: May8e if your personality was as much an upgrade to mine as mine was to yours, I would have 8een cool with it too.

TAVROS: yOU MIGHT BE RIGHT,

TAVROS: aCTUALLY IT WAS PRETTY NEAT,

VRISKA: What?

TAVROS: gETTING TO FEEL ALL THE AMAZING SELF ESTEEM YOU GET TO FEEL,

TAVROS: i DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IT FELT LIKE, i MOSTLY ONLY KNEW WHAT THE PRETEND KIND WAS LIKE,

TAVROS: sO,

TAVROS: tHANK YOU FOR LETTING ME FEEL THAT, i GUESS,

VRISKA: Hahahaha. You're welcome!

VRISKA: Now that you mention it, may8e there was a silver lining to that freak show.

VRISKA: Someone else finally got a chance to feel first hand how gr8 it is 8eing me!

TAVROS: yEAH,

TAVROS: iT MUST BE PRETTY GREAT OVERALL,

TAVROS: sO,

TAVROS: aSIDE FROM BEING PARTIALLY ME, bRIEFLY,

TAVROS: hOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

VRISKA: Ok. Dead mostly.

TAVROS: yES, mE TOO,

VRISKA: Yeah.

VRISKA: Hey, sorry a8out that 8y the way.

TAVROS: aBOUT WHAT,

VRISKA: A8out killing you! It wasn't very cool of me.

TAVROS: oH, rIGHT,

TAVROS: i ALMOST FORGOT THAT EVEN HAPPENED,

VRISKA: How could you forget? Haven't you 8een pissed off at me a8out it?

TAVROS: nO, i MEAN, iT WAS PRETTY MUCH MY FAULT, i THINK,

TAVROS: i ATTACKED YOU WITH MY BOGUS SELF ESTEEM, aND i PAID THE ULTIMATE PRICE,

VRISKA: No, you idiot! That's not what happened at all. I sta88ed you through the chest 8ecause I was 8eing a huge 8itch!

TAVROS: i MEAN, iT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, bUT THAT'S NOT REALLY HOW i REMEMBER IT,

VRISKA: Ugh, stop 8eing so stupid. That's so stupid!

TAVROS: nO, yOU'RE STUPID,

VRISKA: You are such a pain in the ass when you're dead. Let's just agree it was my fault and drop it.

TAVROS: nO, bUT OKAY,

VRISKA: Man, 8eing dead is such a drag.

VRISKA: I don't know if I can deal with this shit anymore!

TAVROS: i THINK IT'S ALRIGHT,

VRISKA: Oh come on. It's so 8oring!

VRISKA: What a completely pointless and hollow existence this is.

VRISKA: And if the existential malaise wasn't 8ad enough, now I have to 8e constantly watching out for that fucking orange guy.

TAVROS: oRANGE GUY?

VRISKA: The orange guy! Haven't you seen him?

TAVROS: nO,

VRISKA: Well, there's an orange guy.

TAVROS: yOU MEAN,

TAVROS: tHE BIRD VERSION OF DAVE,

VRISKA: No, not Davesprite! It's just some random pointless orange guy who's 8een hassling me for some reason.

VRISKA: I can't catch a 8r8k!

VRISKA: And if that weren't enough of a nuisance, we've apparently got to deal with getting yanked out of the afterlife without a moment's notice 8y some 8ozo in a codpiece to particip8 in his grotesque 8ody fusion pranks.

VRISKA: 8etween you and me, I'm starting to think we are getting jerked around here. You know?

TAVROS: uHHH,

VRISKA: Some inexplica8le forces out there are fucking with us. They are doing everything in their power to make sure that when we're not 8eing totally humili8ted, we are staying completely irrelevant.

VRISKA: We can't let them toy with us, then just sweep us under the carpet like that. I'm not going to let our relevance 8e marginalized anymore, Tavros.

TAVROS: wHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO,

VRISKA: I think it's time to start fucking some shit up.

TAVROS: oH, nO,,,

VRISKA: More like oh yes!

VRISKA: I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of 8eing dead and useless and 8ored, and I'm not going to take it anymore.

VRISKA: You're with me, right?

TAVROS: nO WAY,

TAVROS: i LIKE BEING DEAD,

TAVROS: i LIKE IT HOW THERE ARE NO RESPONSIBILITIES, oR PROBLEMS, uSUALLY,

VRISKA: Tavros, that is the lamest thing I've ever heard you say, which is really saying something.

TAVROS: yES, iT IS,

VRISKA: You've got to quit that loser attitude and get your ass out of the sand. That's just your low self esteem talking again.

TAVROS: yES, i KNOW,

VRISKA: I'm going to have to insist.

VRISKA: You are going to join me and together we are going to fuck shit up.

TAVROS: nO, i'M NOT,

VRISKA: Yes, you are.

TAVROS: nO,

VRISKA: Yes.

TAVROS: nO,

VRISKA: Yes.

TAVROS: ♏️ yES, i WILL DEFINITELY, ♏️

TAVROS: ♏️ cOOPERATE WITH YOU WHOLE HEARTEDLY, ♏️

TAVROS: dAMMIT,

TAVROS: oKAY, fINE,

VRISKA: ::::D

[airyairyaucontraire]

I think my phone may just have died, which is a son of a bitch if true. I'll leave it on the charger overnight - oh wait! it might be waking up!

yeah, it's awake but it says "your battery's health is significantly degraded" - at 76% of maximum capacity, which doesn't sound as significant as all that to me. I've had it for a couple of years so it's well out of warranty. I suppose I have to see how expensive/troublesome it will be to get the battery replaced tomorrow.

[darlingpwease]

precious special grade yuuta and his special grade darling <3 truest power couple <3 he'd be exponentially drawn to you if you were protective of him; you'd like him?? that much?? i mean... have you seen the other first years??.... are you sure?

in spite of the powerful amalgamation that is his dead best friend frantically swiping at you when you closely enter his perimeter, you still make the effort to smile at him charmingly and ensure that his training goes smoothly, and calm him down when he's frantic about the enemies, and eat with him on breaks, and see to that he isn't teased too much, and-- how can you expect him NOT to get flustered? he's so... unused to this, this strong positive bond after a life of induced isolation + unprocessed trauma; and he's likely to do anything, absolutely anything, to protect it. even if you're so much more skilled than him-- easily triumphing over him every time, he just wants to return the gesture, okay?

shdneg and when rika's soul finally passes on, im sure he'd be glad he's finally able to be fully... interested in private sparring sessions... just from an experienced special grade sorcerer to another special grade, you know? thus, it would require his full attention.

what a hassle, your white clothes. the others might be able to deduce what happened; when he grinds on your pants, or when his cum slicks down the front of your uniform, when he sobs into your shoulder.. if it leaves an opaque stain, a brand of his neediness, he'd be a taaaaaad too mortified. still, he's the one attached to your hip and constantly desiring to initiate sex, so.... law of equivalent exchange <3

blackout

content warnings: power imbalance (heavy implied), pet names, mutual obsessive behaviour (light worshipping r., clinginess, you are very coddling him & slightly brainwashing without realizing it), traumatic experience is mentioned (forced social isolation, lack of social experience, slightly delusional thinking, touch + attention starvation, he is such a desperate puppy), few emotional breakdowns here and there; poor little woof woof who can unexpectedly bite, now he has a gray morality

heavy petting, crying, oral sex (r.), hyperstimulation (g.), hypersexuality / fuck make love all the time

Yuuta is just a huge simp & pleaser; you're a disaster... and simp.

sjshjshshs,,, zjshsjsjjdd,,,, sjsjs,,,, listen, love, but when you belong to a special class,,,,,,,, this is the kind of food that I can eat at any time,,, my guilty pleasure,,,,,,

Maybe- maybe you have a few problems here and there because of how strong and over-developed you are — and maybe that's why when another "special grade" gets into the class, you don't even try to make it clear that you won't patronize and coo over him, forcing 'sensei' accept it, since this will still remain the most acceptable way.

In the end, it's obvious that Yuuta needs to get used to people — and it's obvious that leaving him with you is the best solution. Other 'fellow students' need time to get used to him, and it's even good that you, instead of considering him a threat, were so welcoming and affectionate; although it's a bit like you treat him neither as a pet nor as a younger brother, it's still much better than a hidden or open enmity with the curse in his body. Yuuta is so timid and restless, which makes Rika feel an even greater desire to hide him from others, so your ignoring such troubles is actually a solution — or maybe sensei just doesn't want to do this, this option is also very plausible, but you don't mind.

Rika doesn't treat you very well, but you still convince the nervous Yuuta that it doesn't matter, you understand everything; in the end, she's probably almost cute, you understand her — you wouldn't want to let go of such the cutie either. You just want to get along with him, and no curse can stop you if it can't even seriously hurt you, and although Rika is definitely unhappy to hear this, Yuuta can't deny that for some reason he felt warm.

Maybe it's your gentle friendliness in spite of his complex behavior, maybe the understanding that he can't hurt you anyway and you don't mind any of his peculiarities — but you just seem so special and inspiring confidence. Next to you, he just feels so protected and safe; you will protect him from others, and protect others from him — he should not worry about such things while you are around.

You understand what it's like to have a huge uncontrollable power, and you are ready to help him out of pure enthusiasm, even if his, um, hyperprotective friend is not very happy with you. But it doesn't matter, as long as he wants you — you are sympathetic and understanding, and he should take advantage of this!

Or when you wander around, saying something and helping him feel more at ease, convincing him that you understand him (almost mockingly "how can anyone understand you better than him" — you hope that he shares these feelings), and Yuuta feels so frivolously happy, feeling how you unobtrusively look after him and take care of his comfort, even if he blushes too desperately and is confused at first; he reaches for the intensity that you want to give him, too hungry for positive attention and the feeling that someone from the living people want to form a connection with him.

When you want "the best for him", gently convincing him that you, of course, know what is best — but you do not insist at all and do not force him. Yuuta is so desperate that even if you are cooing over him out of some much less innocent intentions, he lets you do it as long as you make him feel full of this delight. He has no experience, no understanding, except blind faith and feelings that you will not do anything wrong for him — and that he wants to return all the good that you indiscriminately gave him, at least as an unconditional trust, so as not to even cause you to doubt his gratitude.

You take care of him all the time, soothe him, gently almost tease him, teach him, listen and hear him — Yuuta can't even remember when someone was so affectionate and caring, but even when he involuntarily cries, telling you about it, you accept him.

Do you really think that he will not be greedy, feeling loved and needed? Even if your love is at first the purest platonic, he can't help but stick to you at any moment when he is free. You are so similar, but so different — and he is desperately reaching out to become the same, to become even better, to be worthy.

When his nervousness, his shyness, his fearfulness is replaced by devotion and loyalty; when he feels that now it's his time to give you more than to accept.

It doesn't matter what you want, he'll get it for you.

He is still the same gentle and slightly anxious, with his silly love for any animals, excessive politeness and the constant need to cling to you — but you are not sure that he is really the same Yuuta who screamed whenever you did not try to look as harmless as possible. The same Yuuta who blushed from any proximity, was afraid of unexpected touches, was sensitive even to a non-soft aura and could not even hold a weapon in his hands. Yuuta, who wanted to dispel Rika, told you about his past and asked about yours.

But it doesn't really bother you — and no one knows for the worse or for the better.

Yuuta does not like to fight, he hates to fight, he hates to fight back; he is too soft and hothouse, like a flower blooming only under the moonlight, because the sun is too bright for him — he does not understand the thirst for battle, he does not understand the meaning of fighting for himself if he can hide and run away... but he takes when you allow yourself an almost gentle teasing during another victory over him, that maybe one day you will need protection.

The curses are getting stronger every season, and even though you haven't lost yet, who knows when you will meet that curse that will kill you?

You have no idea what is going on in his head during these words,

even if you then joke that it is because of the fleetness of your life that he should try and show you what he is capable of while you are alive. Of course, you're not going to abandon him or leave, but you don't choose when you die — Yuuta is weak, even despite his grade, and you see that; so why wouldn't he fight for the sake of protecting you one day if he doesn't want to fight for the sake of a fight and doesn't want to fight for himself?

... Do you think about the real meaning of these words for him?

It doesn't matter, huh? When he starts fighting for real, trying, albeit clumsily, to fight back — that's the only thing you care about. The puppy will not learn commands if it is not trained; the flower will not be able to fly without wind; Yuuta will not be able to learn until he can fully give himself.

When he, wet from sweat, but burning, rushes into battle again to be shot down, but the next time he does not make the same mistake — only then do you feel satisfied. You are experienced and strong — those who do not have a real goal always die. And although it may not be morally right or rational to tie him to protect his life, but first you have to make him strong, and only then — help him to rethink.

Yuuta cries when you are tender to him, like,,,, he missed ordinary human love so much,,,, when a living person, breathing and warm, touches him, or says encouraging words, or just eats next to him, he feels so... social. You know, as never before, when he was only bullied or shunned. As if he has a friend.

Even if at first it may seem to you that he is too nervous or clumsy — he looks at you as if at a fire, almost avoiding your overly active friendly gestures, but eventually warms up, even if his skin burns when you touch him; and he would be scared by an unexpected almost pain, if he wasn't so ruddy and hot because of treacherous excitement.

You just take his hand (with his permission), noticing how he becomes, as soon as you put hand on his shoulder, and he just freezes when feels your skin. It's just so different compared to his, and he would like to say "tougher", but this is wrong — he himself has no idea why your skin feels like this, but wants to hold it forever, and again awkwardly breaks down, feeling that he can at least take someone's hands for such a long time years since Rika... died.

(you will probably have to calm him down again, even if he tried to restrain himself, but he is one of those who actually calms down when he is told to "calm down", even if at first, realizing that you still want to deal with him despite his emotional instability, he may start crying harder)

Yes,,,,, when Yuuta gets even closer to you, being less controlled — you can have a lot more time alone than before, without being afraid that someone will interrupt you if you are a little less gentle with him. Of course, these are just "training fights", but you take care that they are not sparing — when you knock him down again, forcing him to fall back.

Maybe you are a little excessive when hovering over him, not letting him rise, but this is for a better dive — does he really think that by remaining so weak and soft, he will be able to survive? You are sure that this is not the case. When his body shudders, feeling your fingers slide over the skin — hee, he's so sensitive, even though you didn't even try to be gentle; to be so excited after was beaten — it suggests certain thoughts.

Even if he blushes desperately, mumbling something, but does not even try to get out, letting your teasing slip away, — ignores or loves? — you can't help but feel excited for a moment, realizing that right now, sprawled under you, hot and tired, but waiting for your words, like a tamed obedient puppy, not even thinking that you might not be so kind — or would he be ready to accept you in any way?

He's so desperate to be "decent"; letting you do what you want, as if he has no shame or boundaries when it comes to you.

And you certainly aren't so vicious or full of lust to take advantage of someone who is so obedient and flexible for you, even if you don't feel any hitches or reluctance when you get too close and loom too un-teacher-like, but he doesn't break the silence with anything but a quiet almost moan when you put your hand on his shirt, feeling how fast his heart is pounding.

You are of the same rank — so why are you so different? Why is he so weak and unable to fight you back, why can you go so easily, why does he look up at you like that, letting you unbutton his shirt?

How would he react if you bent down right now and left a bite on his skin? His adam's apple moves when you look down — he definitely guesses what you're thinking, but he doesn't make a squeak.

Unsurprisingly, to everyone, Yuuta looked like the perfect victim.

Too good and pretty for his own good.

When you get too close to his ruddy face, he holds his breath.

“Training is over for today.”

Maybe when there was Rika, it was better. At least then you knew what was waiting for you for succumbing to temptation.

Now you weren't even sure that your attraction was unrequited.

(his stomach was slightly exposed when you undressed him. It will be good if neither this facial expression, nor his trembling, nor his stomach does not dream of you)

ajsgsjhshs,,,,, sjsjskskks,,,, shshshsh,,,,,,,,

When there are stains on your clothes, and you grumble that it's some kind of dirt, and what difference does it make, with these stains you will definitely be more noticeable, "isn't that what they wanted?", and Yuuta tries not to look embarrassed and ashamed, because when he rubbed against you- he didn't even think about it- it's not his fault, he can't think about anything when you're so close and he's so hot- but he's still very sorry...

Although next time he remains just as desperate when thigh riding you, gradually more and more drooling, clinging to your clothes, as if afraid that you will push him away, until he cums, hugging you tightly. He loves to snuggle so much, as if really trying to become one with you until his body becomes exhausted — and although you will definitely have to struggle with white clothes again (at least not as noticeable on white as you make your lover come to unconsciousness), Yuuta looks too good when crying in your shoulder, too sensitive due to constant touching.

Maybe you need more sets of white clothes than you planned, but you're still fine — it's worth it to see him timidly happy because of the next marks, even if he then helps you wipe them off. In the end, you still didn't like these clothes that were like a target for others — or at least that's what you tell him.

(although make him kneel down to properly apologize after he soiled your clothes... </3 he makes such cute noises when tries to be as pleasant as possible, letting you pull his hair and feeling so warm when you let him know that you feel good,,,, maybe a little in the morning, especially if it's hard for you to wake up — he just wants to be helpful <333)

(... or is it just an excuse to constantly touch you — he is so needy and touch starved that he is happy when you fuck his mouth or ride,,,, oral warming? oral warming)

[cherrycheridarling]

happier | t.h.

tom holland x singer!reader

warnings: swearing and sad. fluff if you squint

summary: you wish tom the best with his new relationship in your new song. {listen to happier by olivia rodrigo (if you want)}

wc: 3.6k

'We broke up a month ago,'

"I've been thinking," your heart sunk at his words, "I'm always working." he grabbed both of your hands.

You locked your gaze in his. Sat in the living room of his shared flat. Inches apart yet you could already feel the separation between the two of you growing.

He avoided your eye contact, "I-I can't be in a relationship unless I can give one hundred percent of myself to the other person. A-and I know I haven't been doing that to you, which is c-completely unfair." he wiped away a tear from your cheek that you didn't know had fell, "You've been so, so good to me. I'm sorry I wasn't better, but I can't keep putting you through this." his voice was barely audible.

You finally tore your eyes away from his face. His tear soaked face. Choosing to stare at a spot over his shoulder instead. You took three deep breaths. In and out. Something about his words made you confused, but your pain overpowered it.

"Please say something. Anything." he whispered against your knuckles. Holding your hands to his lips.

You gently removed your hands from his grip, "Thank you for being mature and honest with me." you started with a sniffle, "Thank you for all of our memories and for showing me what love is," you cupped his face, "Thank you for everything, loser." your light laugh lacked any humour, but it still brought a slight smile to his face.

He held your hand that was resting on his jaw, "I love you more than life itself, darling." he kissed your palm and you felt your heart shatter. "Never hesitate to call, dummy."

You nodded with a sad smile. "I love you, too." You stood up and made your way out of the door. A year and a half down the drain within ten minutes.

'Your friends are mine, you know I know you moved on. Found someone new.'

"Do you guys wanna do something on Saturday? I don't have work. Maybe karaoke?" you asked the group without looking up from your phone.

Harrison made a confused noise, "Did you forget? We have Nadia's birthday par—" you heard a loud smack, "—Ow! What? Oh, shit."

You looked up to see Zendaya, Jacob, Harry, Sam and Tuwaine all glaring at Harrison.

"Absolute div." Tuwaine muttered.

You furrowed your eyebrows, "Who's Nadia?" you looked at all of them as they avoided eye contact. "Daya?"

She let out a long sigh before clearing her throat, "Um, Nadia is- Well she's kind of- you know, um—"

"—Tom's new girlfriend." Sam finished for her.

Your mouth formed an 'o' shape as you processed the information. His new girlfriend. It'd been a month and four days since he ended your relationship. And he had a new girlfriend.

It took him a month to move on. A month to be able to give a hundred percent of himself to someone.

You couldn't tell if you were more angry or sad. Maybe a mixture of both. Angry that your friends were hiding information from you, but at the same time you understood their intentions. Sad and upset because the boy who told you he wasn't ready to give a hundred percent of himself was already with someone new.

You slowly nodded, "Oh, okay. Well, I hope you guys have fun." you gave a tight lipped smile before looking back at your phone.

Everyone glanced at each other worriedly before allowing their gazes to fall on you again.

"How do you feel?" Jacob asked cautiously.

You locked your phone and set it on your lap, "I'm fine." you faked a smile, "I think I'm gonna head home, though. It's getting late and I have an early studio session. Bye." you quickly grabbed your purse and left with a small wave.

"Y/N! Wait—" the slamming of the front door cut Tuwaine off.

It was three p.m. and you weren't supposed to be in the studio until noon.

'One more girl who brings out the better in you,'

"Y/N/N. You need to talk about it sooner or later." Zendaya reminded you as she sat at the end of your bed with Harrison beside her.

You removed the covers from your face, revealing your tear stained cheeks, "Does she make him happy?"

There was silence from your two friends before they hesitantly nodded. Both weren't completely sure, but they assumed she did.

"Does she bring out the best version of him? Does she stroke his hair while they cuddle? Does she cook with him? Does she walk Tessa with him?"

Harrison sighed, "Y/N/N, we—"

"—Because that's what I did. I brought out the best side of him. I stroked his hair while we cuddled. I cooked with him. I walked Tessa with him. I did it all. Every single thing." your voice broke towards the end as you let the sobs rack through your body.

Harrison and Zendaya went to either side of you and held you. They just held you. Because even they didn't know what to do.

'And I thought my heart was detached from all the sunlight of our past,'

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Zendaya asked as you walked towards Tom's front door.

You nodded and smoothed down your sundress, "Yeah. We ended on good terms. It's been two months or so. We're friends. Plus, I miss hanging out with all of us." you assured her.

She sighed before knocking on the door, "Alright."

A few moments later the door swung open revealing Tom. Dressed in black jeans and a white button-up. Sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Curls dangling over his forehead. A sweet smile on his lips.

You felt your stomach lurch. Air leaving your lungs involuntarily. Heart rate quickening. You could smell his cologne and every single memory with him clouded your mind.

"Hey! It's great to see you guys—"

"—Sorry. I-I think I left something in the car. One second." you rushed out the words before turning on your heel.

Zendaya let out a long sigh, "Fuck."

Tom frowned, "Did I do something wrong?"

'But she's so sweet, she's so pretty. Does she mean you forgot about me?'

"Y/N!" an unfamiliar voice called out to you from somewhere in the boys' backyard.

It was Harrison's annual barbecue get together. Nearly three months since your break up with Tom.

You turned towards the source of the noise and found a girl walking towards you. Brunette. Tight black dress with black heels. Body and face of a model.

"I've been dying to meet you! I'm such a huge fan. I basically live off of your music." she giggled as she hugged you.

You smiled, "Aw! Thank you! That means so much to me. You look amazing, by the way."

She laughed, "Thank you! But you're absolutely gorgeous! Sorry, I completely forgot to introduce myself. I'm Nadia, Tom's girlfriend."

Of fucking course.

You raised your eyebrows, but managed to keep a smile on your face, "Oh! I've heard so much about you! Well, Tom's one lucky guy," you chuckled, "I'd love to chat some more, but I need to use the washroom. Excuse me. It was a pleasure meeting you." you gave her a hoaxed smile before quickly walking away.

You were two feet away from the washroom when Zendaya grabbed your arm, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

Your breaths were coming out in short puffs, "I just met Nadia?"

Her eyes widened before she dragged you towards Tuwaine's room, "Okay. Let's sit down."

'Oh, I hope you're happy, but not like how you were with me. I'm selfish, I know. I can't let you go,'

"You should move in here." Tom mumbled against your shirt.

You let out a small laugh, "You already have four roommates, love. One more might turn this into a barn."

He lifted his head off of your chest, "I'm serious. Driving from Manchester to Kingston all the time is such a hassle for you. We have recording studios here and it would make me the happiest man in the world if I could wake up to your gorgeousness everyday." he planted kisses on your forehead, nose and lips.

You chuckled at his boyish grin, "It's only a three hour drive and I'm sure the boys don't want me imposing on your time with them."

He quickly shook his head, "I already talked to them about it and they want you here, too."

You raised your eyebrows, "Well, if you're sure it'll make you the happiest man in the world, I'll think about it."

"You already make me the happiest man in the world, but I needed something to convince you." he rested his head on your chest again as you laughed.

'So find someone great, but don't find no one better. I hope you're happy, but don't be happier.'

"Are we ordering pizza?" Harrison yawned from beside you on the couch.

"Sushi?" you grinned hopefully.

Tuwaine shook his head, "We had sushi last night."

"Tom and I are making dinner for you guys!" Nadia reminded you from the kitchen.

Her arms wrapped around Tom's waist as he stirred whatever was in the pan he had on the stove.

You really hated their open floor layout at that moment since there wasn't a wall to block them from your view.

"Oh, yeah. What're you making?" Sam asked.

"Salmon with rice and steamed veggies." Tom answered without looking up from the pan.

Everyone made noises of realization as you turned to Harry, "Aliens or a tiger. Which do you think you could beat in a fight?" he asked.

You laughed before replying, "Hmm, depends. Are the aliens small or—"

"Tommy!" you heard a girly giggle and turned to see Tom with Nadia over his shoulder as they laughed and ran around the kitchen.

You quickly diverted your gaze to the coffee table. Forgetting about Harry's absurd question. All eyes were on you.

"What?" you asked when you finally looked up at your friends.

"Are you okay?" Harrison frowned from beside you before resting his head on your shoulder.

You let out a dry, quiet laugh, "Of course. As long as he's happy."

The looks of pity you received were almost as painful as the scene you witnessed moments ago.

'And do you tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen? An eternal love bullshit you know you'll never mean,'

"Premiere day!" Zendaya walked into your shared hotel room with a bright smile, Nadia following behind her.

You faked a smile as you applied another coat of mascara, "You girls look gorgeous."

Zendaya was in a red and black sequin gown. Hair down and heels on. Nadia was dressed in a maroon silk dress with a slit on the side. Black heels dawning her feet. Both had makeup and accessories on matching their attire.

You were in an emerald green gown with a slit running down your left leg. Silver heels and silver jewellery to match.

"So do you!" Nadia exclaimed as she sat on Zendaya's bed.

"Are the boys coming soo—" Zendaya got cut off by three loud knocks on the door.

"I'll get it!" Nadia jumped up and opened the door.

Tom was stood before her in a maroon suit. Matching her dress. Black dress shoes. Matching her heels. Glasses on and a bright smile.

You watched as Tom ran his eyes down Nadia's outfit, "Well, aren't you just the most beautiful girl in the world?" he planted a kiss on her lips as you witnessed with envy.

"Aw, Tommy. I love you."

"I love you more, darling." he grinned before looking behind her.

Heart wrenching pain struck you again.

You watched as his mouth fell open by the slightest bit. Eyes growing wider.

He quickly snapped out of his daze, placing a pearly white smile on, "You two look absolutely stunning."

You acknowledged his compliment with a curt nod.

Zendaya let out a laugh, "Yup. About to out do you at your own premiere."

'Remember when I believed you meant it when you said it first to me?'

"Green or white?" you held up both dresses against your body.

Tom looked up from his phone, "Both of them will look amazing on you, love."

You sighed, "I appreciate the compliment, but I am meeting Sebastian Stan tonight. Now is not the time for indecisiveness. One of them will make me look bad and I need to know which one."

The Infinity War premiere was in two hours and your anxiety was growing by the minute.

"C'mere." he motioned you towards him with a 'come hither' gesture as he sat on the edge of the hotel bed. You made your way towards him. Standing in between his legs as he wrapped his arms around your waist, "You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Absolutely gorgeous. You could make the ugliest dress look like something from a fairytale."

Your smile grew as he kissed your stomach, "Thank you, mi amor." you bent down and placed a peck on his forehead, leaning your head against his, you whispered, "Now, green or white?"

He chuckled and pecked your lips, "White."

You smiled before making your way to put on the white dress, "I love you."

"I love you more, darling."

'And now I'm picking her apart. Like cutting her down will make you miss my wretched heart. But she's beautiful, she looks kind. She probably gives you butterflies.'

"I don't like her." you murmured.

Zendaya chuckled, "Nadia? You barely know the girl."

You nodded, "And I don't like her. I don't like her giggles and her nickname for him. I don't like her hair."

You knew you were looking for things to dislike, but there weren't any. She was a fan of your music, she complimented you all the time. She was genuinely a great person.

She sighed, "No, you don't like the fact that she's dating Tom. If she wasn't, you wouldn't be saying any of this."

You rolled your eyes and glared at her, "Can you let me be angry?"

She laid herself down on your mattress, "Nope. If you wanna be angry, be angry at Tom. Nadia hasn't done anything to you. You're better than this."

"God, I hate your optimistic side sometimes." you threw a pillow at her.

She laughed, "One of us needs to be the optimist."

You sighed, "Do you think he misses me?"

"Yes." she replied without hesitation.

You sat up and furrowed your eyebrows, "What makes you say that?"

She let out a long breath, "You need to talk to him about that."

'I hope you're happy. I wish you all the best, really. Say you love her, baby. Just not like you loved me. And think of me fondly when your hands are on her. I hope you're happy, but don't be happier.'

"And you're dead." you dropped the controller on your lap as you defeated Harrison in Super Smash Bros again.

He huffed like a child, "Unfair. I taught you how to play, how'd you get better than me?"

"Actually, I taught her how to play. And I am ten times better than you." Tuwaine corrected him.

Harrison scoffed, "Whatever. Sweaty nerds, the both of you."

Nadia spoke up from Tom's lap, "Can I try?"

You nodded, "Who do you wanna go against?"

She chuckled, "I think I'll verse Harrison. Seeing as how Y/N just kicked your ass, I wanna at least have a chance."

Her comment made you laugh as you handed her the controller and watched them pick their characters. You watched as Tom set his phone down and focused on the screen where his girlfriend chose Pichu.

"Choose Kirby." Tom told her.

She furrowed her eyebrows, "Why? Pichu is so cute."

"Y/N always plays as Kirby and she always wins. With that stupid power absorbing ability." he chuckled as his eyes landed on you.

You felt your heart skip a beat at the small detail he remembered before you played it off with a light laugh, "Not my fault you thought Luigi could beat Kirby everytime we played."

'Ooo-ooo, ooo-ooo, ooo-ooo,'

You pressed on the keys of the piano in the boys' home. Singing your heart out. You still had your spare key and Harrison told you no one was home.

You were waiting for them to return from golfing so you could have your Sunday night dinners. It's been nearly four months since your breakup with Tom. Your album was due to be released on May twenty-first and you were letting the still evident pain fuel your lyrics.

"I hope you're happy, just not like how you were with me. I'm selfish, I know. I can't let you go. So find someone great, but don't find no one better. I hope you're happy, but don't be happier." you faded out the piano and pressed stop on the recording on your phone.

Writing down small notes about the song and things to tweak, your thoughts were quickly interrupted.

"I'm not."

Your head snapped up. Tom was leaning against the doorframe behind you. Tears escaping his eyes.

"T-Tom. I'm sorry. Haz told me the house was empty and I just started playing and- Wait. What did you say?" realization dawned on you.

He stepped closer and sat beside you on the piano bench, "I'm not happier. Hell, I'm not even happy." he gave a pathetic attempt at a laugh, staring straight at the black and white keys.

Your mind was trying to catch up with everything happening, trying to register his words, the state he was in. Grey sweats, black tee. Messy hair and red eyes.

"Why?"

He released a heavy sigh, "There's so many things you could be asking 'why' about. Why did I break up with you? Why am I with Nadia? Why am I not happy? Why the hell am I crying? Which one is it, Y/L/N?"

You blinked a few times, "All of them."

He sniffled and rubbed his face, "I felt like I was holding you back." he started, catching a glimpse of your confused expression, he continued, "You hadn't released any music in over year. There were so many articles saying that I was the reason that the biggest pop star in the world was quitting music. I didn't want to be the reason for that."

"You weren't and you aren't." you assured him.

He shrugged, "I just felt like you would do a lot better without me. And you are. Look at you, your fifth album is coming out next month." he nudged you with his shoulder, "I'm proud of you," he smiled.

"T-thank you."

He nodded, "Anyways, why am I with Nadia? Um, a few days after we broke up, I went to a friend's place to distract myself, as one does. She was there. She was a distraction. I never meant for it to get this far. You know, she actually asked me to be her boyfriend." he chuckled dryly to himself as you listened intently. "I guess, I thought it'd be easier to move on if I had something else to pour my love into?"

You nodded slowly, "Okay, I somewhat get that. So you really do love her?"

He quickly shook his head, "No, no, I don't. I mean, I can't. No one can truly love two people at once. And I think that answers the question of why I'm not happy." he paused and faced you completely, "I'm crying because hearing that song and hearing how evident your pain in it is, that will make anyone cry. I'm crying because I miss you and I miss us. I-I miss what we had and what we were. I miss your kisses and your stupid jokes that only you laugh at. I miss going on walks with you and Tess. I just miss you."

There was a long period of silence after his confession. You were trying to process all the information he was giving. He was cursing himself for being so straightforward. The longer it went without a response from you, the more anxious he got. He grabbed your hands, holding them to his lips.

"Please say something. Anything."

Déjà vu.

You swallowed, "You want honesty?" he nodded, "Okay, I was so mad at you. I-I was infuriated. Y-you told me you weren't ready to give a hundred percent of yourself and that you couldn't be in a relationship until you could give all of yourself to that person. Then a month later, you're with her. Making me feel like you just couldn't give yourself to me." you paused and shook your head, "You could've told me the truth. You should've told me the truth. We could've talked about it. We could've avoided months of awkward run ins and no communication." he nodded, still holding your hands in his, "I'm not gonna lie and say I don't miss you because I do, I miss you more than anything, but we shouldn't be doing this or saying these things while you're with her." you removed your hands from his.

He spent a moment looking down at his fingers. Releasing short breaths. "I don't want to be with her."

"But you are. And I don't want you to break up with her for me. Because that's not how things work, Tom. But you shouldn't stay with her either. Especially if this is how you're feeling. That's just unfair to her." you shook your head and felt your mind clear.

He nodded and met your gaze, "This is the end of us, huh?"

You shook your head, "I don't think there will ever be an end to us." you laughed dryly.

He agreed with a smile, "For forever and a day, remember?"

You nodded, "For forever and a day."

[marley-manson]

☕ Wierd one, but if Hawkeye had been the one to leave after Henry's death, what do you think Trapper's relationship with the camp have been like? With BJ?

Thank you, it’s an interesting question!

I think Trapper would've lost his defiance quickly and started rolling with everything more. He'd still hate Frank and hassle him, he'd still fuck around and have fun and seduce nurses, but he wouldn't be defying orders just for the sake of it or taking out appendixes himself imo, he'd mainly be in hunker down and wait out the war mode. Like he'd probably be fine with throwing out the occasional salute and showing up to morning assembly once Hawkeye’s left and taken his energy with him.

I could see him having a fling with Margaret but I don't think it'd last any more than her and Hawkeye in Comrades in Arms did. I do think Margaret would warm up to him with Hawkeye gone quicker than she warmed up to Hawkeye with Trapper gone bc again I think without Hawkeye he’s fairly low-key.

I think he'd get along with Potter just fine, though I kinda wonder if without Hawkeye Potter would've softened a little less. I mean he wouldn't have remained the hardass he was in the very beginning of the ep, but I could see him like, expecting people to be dressed properly and salute. I think Trapper would just be glad enough that Frank's replaced that it'd be fine with him.

And don’t get me wrong, I think Trapper would still roll his eyes at the more over the top army shit and he wouldn’t yk, like it. He wouldn’t suddenly become a model captain lol. I just don’t think he’d bother resisting much as long as the army/regulations aren’t directly interfering with like, his doctoring. Though it would be interesting to see him fight for something he believes in on his own - like in eg another For the Good of the Outfit situation I could definitely see him filing a report and giving it a shot, but I think he’d give up quicker without Hawkeye there, and it would have to be a pretty important thing for him to fight for it imo.

I think he and Charles would hate each other. Idk I just feel like Charles' stuffy upper class vibes would rub Trapper completely the wrong way, and Charles would be a huge condescending asshole to him, which Trapper would not roll with imo. But I don't think they'd feud much beyond sniping at each other as a general rule, I think Trapper would mostly just avoid him as much as possible. Idk without Hawkeye I see Trapper as devoting his energy towards distractions like sex or drinking rather than fights or pranks or airing grievances etc. I don't think he'd pursue the attention-getting antics the way Hawkeye did.

And I think he'd get along with BJ quite well, but they wouldn't be like, super close. They'd share pictures of their kids, they'd be chill with each other, they'd be generally friendly, but they wouldn't be besties. They're two followers without an instigator, they'd hang out because they're both there and they get along, especially compared to either of them with Frank and later Charles, but neither of them have Hawkeye's clinginess or social energy or emotional openness to facilitate a deeper relationship. Like, they're having a drink together after a long shift, but they're not taking showers together.

Also BJ might hate hearing stories about Hawkeye from Trapper, and everyone else, which would definitely happen. Because regardless of how close he is or isn't to anyone else in the camp, I think he's intrinsically insecure about his social position and hearing about how wild and unique and fun and talented the dude he replaced was would suck for him. But I don't think he'd break a still over it lol. He might scoff while Trapper's reminiscing and start a minor argument at most. Maybe appreciate Margaret rolling her eyes at the reminiscing and saying they’re all better off without Hawkeye.

send me a topic + ☕️ emoji and i’ll tell my honest opinion about it!  

[all-might-can-smash-me]

Hello. I found your writing about family heroes, and I'm thrilled. It's so nice, cozy, cute and delicious. I love it, very much. Thank you so much for your work!♡

If you're ok with this, can I have whole families (Eraserhead, Fatgam, All Might, Hawks) who comfort their mom after having to interact with her family (I mean, her parents, grandparents, and the rest). With whom she has a very bad relations. Well, it's realy very bad there... Please, choose the format that is more convenient for you.

Please, feel free to ignore it if you don't like it. That's all right.♡

Thank you. Take care of yourself. Good luck. Have a good time♡

The Pro Dads Comforting You After Seeing Stressful Family Members

Eraserhead / Shouta Aizawa, Fatgum/Taishiro Toyomitsu, All Might / Toshinori Yagi, Hawks / Keigo Takami

Thanks for such a kind request 🥺

Warnings: Of course it is gonna contain some toxic family members and what not exploiting your fears and your children’s insecurities and what not....

Masterlist / Request Info in masterlist

You and your parents? Well the two of you had an ok relationship

But then when you and Aizawa married? It just felt strained and forced, especially after the two of you began having children, fostering, and adopting....

Until one day while visiting, your mother said something along the lines of ‘is he even well enough to help take care of the children? Put together enough? Around enough?’

It kind of just really got you stuck in your own head for a bit, but you were quick to prove her wrong...for the time being.

You didn’t mention any of that to Shouta though, you didn’t know why you didn’t....

Then now you had everyone with you this time, your husband and children to visit.

It was a loud environment, but it was nice and soothing, it was what you and Shouta were use to as you, him, and your mother and father sat in the kitchen to make small talk as your children played about in the conjoining living room.

But of course, your mother said something along the lines of ‘you have so many kids...I don’t know how you manage with Aizawa hardly ever around....’

The silence soon followed as your heart dropped into the pit of your stomach, watching your father nod his head in agreement. That’s when you only offered a small smile before getting up, your kids already huddling around you and Aizawa.

They didn’t even cast a glance as their grandmother tried to tell them farewell, they were all too busy clutching onto you and Shouta.

Upon arriving home, they all just dragged you to the livingroom to all pile up and cuddle while watching some of your favorite movies and trying to make you laugh and smile with their silly antics

But later on that night when you and Shouta would be back in the master bedroom ready to sleep? The tears would come

He would just simply open his arms up for you to cradle you and rock you...

Hands to give you reassuring rubs upon your back as he whispered compliments and pet names to you to crack a smile out of you...

You loved your whole family but.....

Your grandmother? That was where the huge BUT was at

She was old, quirkless and could vividly remember the days where quirks were beginning to play a part in everyone’s lives, but that doesn’t mean she totally understood it or got it or didn’t hold any prejudices against them

So she wasn’t happy when you introduced your boyfriend Taishiro to her...and she was upset as she sat through the wedding ceremony at the shrine....

And then she absolutely hated his appearance! He was ‘fat’ in her eyes, no quirk could change that, but he just let it bounce off himself...

Though upon a family reunion when everyone was at your home, she made her few comments about Taishiro that you and him just shrugged as you talked and caught up with cousins and other relatives

But then the words ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if his daughters turn out the same way...they are already on the path...’ came from her mouth, that’s when all hell broke lose

You stomped right up to her and gave her a piece of your mind before gathering up your daughters into a room to drill into their heads that they were beautiful and perfect...but they reassured you that they knew that...

Once everyone left, your daughters gossiped about family drama that they picked up during the reunion as they helped you clean up, you only hushing them....but you couldn’t help but be enthralled with what they had heard....

And they continued talking about it because it made them feel relieved for you to surpress your gasp and laughs as they would drone on and on about the stuff they heard

They also gathered you and Tiashiro to the kitchen table to play a few rounds of a card game, filling the whole house with everyone’s laughter

Laughter was the best medicine.....

But then later on Taishiro would talk to you about what happened which at that point you would only shrug it off and laugh over the incident....

Which then he’ll probably tell you ‘you becoming a mama bear? Hot as fuck....’

Your dad never liked Toshinori....not one bit and he made it clear...

‘The man is too scrawny...too sickly! He looks like a damn twig!’

You would only respond with ‘I love him, that’s all that matters....’

Wasn’t too happy about the marraige, but couldn’t do anything, your mother absolutely adored Toshinori...

But then once it was revealed that Toshinori was All Might the entire time? And now that he was in retirement?

Your father would drop by often to hassle you over ‘how will he provide? How will he not put you and your child in danger?’

Finally one day you just slammed the door right in his face, your daughter now at your side tugging at your shirt....

She would tug you along to make a pillow fort, to read a small book together, watch a show, movie, just anything together to distract you from what had just happened....

She was a smart girl because it worked all day until Toshinori was home

That’s when you finally opened up and told him what happened, your voice quivering with the tears that you wanted to cry.

He only hugged you though and told you everything was going to be alright

‘Your father can hate me, he’s got a high standard for who he wants his daughter to have and that’s fine...but I promise you those things he has said to you will never happen...’

You didn’t need him to reassure you, but his affirmations pushed away those tears away quickly and your broken heart was mended on the spot....

Then he would cuddle you and tell you how beautiful and amazing you are...which always got your heart fluttering

You and your family were on good terms, you checked in each other a lot and always visited each other

Your sister? Nope, nope, nope, and nope...

Yeah you would hate her every and now and then growing up, but who doesn’t have a little hate for their sibling growing up?

The moment you and Keigo started dating? That’s when it went down hill...

She would try to feed you with insecurities of ‘he’s probably cheating on you....’ or ‘he’s famous, he just wants a pretty face for the media and an easy girl for the night...’

But those insecurities would vanish just by looking at the loving looks Keigo would give you, so you never dwelled on them

She may have been trying to look out for you, but it was just the totally wrong way to do it and you’ve tried countless times to tell her that, but to no avail

One day when you and Keigo along with your two boys and daughter went to visit, your sister showed up too...

The tension was high as your parents chatted away with Keigo, your daughter sprawled out and sleeping in Keigo’s lap and your sons messed around outside

You and your sister were silent until the conversation led on to his work and popularity and about all the fans he must interact with

That’s when your sister decided to give a snarky ‘yeah...probably taking peeks under all those girls’ skirts...’

You didn’t even get a chance to say anything before Keigo was calmly covering your daughter’s ear to begin chewing her out, you only sitting there in a daze

When your sister looked to your mom and dad expectantly, they only shrugged their shoulders at her...

Keigo was soon bidding a farewell to your mother and father with his daughter now held onto his chest as she dozed away, your sons now back inside and hugging their grandparents goodbye....and snuck sticking their tongues out at their Aunt from behind Keigo’s legs...

Yeah they totally heard all of that....

So when you got home, your daughter recommended coloring, so all of you sat at the kitchen table to color away together and show off your skills

When you and Keigo were alone, he would just tell you over and over again how you were the only one for him and how pretty and beautiful you were and how perfect you were...

You didn’t my need to confirmation from him, but the praise from him would bring a blush from your cheeks as he would scratch your back or play with your hair as the two of you would watch a show or a movie.

[braindeadskeletons]

Speaking of music, I really like to sing, and I think I'm actually pretty good at it. I don't open up very easily at all, so if I'm honest with you I really trust you. And I've been described as the friend everyone comes to for comfort/advice, and I take that role with pride. In public, I can be very affectionate, or not affectionate at all. It really depends on what my S/O would like. But when we're home, I'm usually pretty clingy. (I hope thiat wasn't too much, or too little, info!) (2/2)

okay so I did a huge whoops and deleted the first half of this ask. Here's the first part of it:

Hi, I'm here for a matchup! (Sorry in advance if I do a lot of asks to fit in all my info). My name is Viper, I am Genderfluid, Pansexual, and Polyamorus. I am an ambivert, who normally doesn't leave my house unless asked, but once I do my inner extrovert comes out. But I can only take so much, and after a couple of hours I'll need some alone time to relax. I like to read adventure/sci-fi/horror books when I get the chance. I also am an amateur artist, who listens to music 24/7. (1/?)

Hello there! Don't worry about it at all the more information on you the merrier. Reading this you honestly sound like such an awesome person to be around with and just hangout. Like I could just say something that's been on my mind for a really long time and it's pretty heavy but you completely just listen and understand. You're just someone everybody gets along with you know? Immediately when I read everything two boys came to mind instantly and though they may be the most basic answers I'd say I got the match pretty accurate. Or at least I'd like to think so lol. Thank you so much for sending this in!

I match you with Horrortale!Sans and Undertale!Sans

Alright so immediately off the bat you may be thinking 'how the fuck did I get here?' and honestly that's a valid question. You don't exactly see the two and think that they're best friends who could both share a very cute human. Axe reflects Sans in such a way that really disturbs him. If the human just made one different decision Sans would've been left in the underground to starve with every other monster. He also isn't very fond of how Crooks appears and it kind of haunts him that in another timeline he failed Paps. Axe on the other hand isn't fond of Sans because he feels like he always acts high and mighty. He doesn't like how Sans can sit around and act like Axe is some sort of freak when Sans isn't even a completely innocent monster himself. He just acts like a lazy idiot but he isn't. It also doesn't help that whenever Axe looks at Sans he's just reminded of how his Frisk wronged him. He's reminded that he isn't the monster he used to be because of the head injury he endured and the hardships underground. As mentioned before, one wrong move and at the end of the day Sans and Axe are one of the same. They both reflect the parts of each other that they would rather live without confronting.

There's immediately a lot to unpack here from the start. Getting the two to even begin to compromise on a poly relationship with you is admittedly going to be a challenge. It would require you to be able to firmly hold your ground and get them to sort their shit out. It's a lot of conversation and trust needed in order for this to work out. In the end, they both come to the compromise after a lot of discussion and setting boundaries of what is and isn't alright with them. Sometimes they might clash a bit and have those issues resurface (its very rare since both skeletons when needed are amazing at concealing their emotions) and you'll need to act as the middleman. At the end of the day it's all worth it to them just to see you happy.

Let's start off first with Sans. It's amazing how I've gone on for a bit and I haven't even technically started. The fact that you don't really like going out of your way to go out unless asked to is a bit of a relief. It's not that Sans doesn't like socializing, it's just that a lot of the time he really needs a break to just relax on the couch and nap with you, you know? He's got a lot on his mind and Papyrus often scolds him for sleeping and with Grillby's it can at times be overwhelming when he just needs peace and quiet. Just knowing that his cute datemate isn't going to do any of that helps him relax. It's going to be a lot of just enjoying each other's company even if it's quiet at the start. The silence between you two isn't ever uncomfortable though, just enjoying your company is enough for him. Of course there will actually be times where he does offer you to go to Grillby's and when you say yes he's always really happy to share his favorite bar with you. When you two sit together at his usual spot it's a lot of him joking around with you and absolutely looking at you with heart eyes when he gets a certain genuine laugh out of you. He's actually teased about it a lot the few times you don't accept his offer to go to Grillby's. Sans lives to see you smile with his jokes and he just tells them that they're jealous he ended up with such a cute datemate and they didn't. If you ever find yourself exhausted and you need to go home after you're bone tired just tell him and he'll teleport you right home no hassle.

Once you reach a certain point in your relationship Sans will start to gradually accept your affection. You'll need to ease him into it, since he's really not used to anybody besides his brother showing him any sort of affection. Of course before this he's absolutely bombarding you with flirty puns numerous times but physical affection? That's going to take a while. However once he's used to it you can absolutely smother him all you want. He'll only get embarrassed if it's in a public place like Grillbys but he's good at hiding it for the most part. In front of people like his brother he'll still be a little unsure but for the most part it's like a running joke where Pap yells at him to knock it off and Sans pushes his buttons a little. It often goes a little like this:

Papyrus: SANS! I DEMAND THAT YOU UNHAND THE HUMAN THIS INSTANT!

Sans, a hand on your waist: what human?

Papyrus: THE ONE IN YOUR POSSESSION

Sans, pulling you closer: this human?

Papyrus: SANS

Sans: this one right here?

Papyrus: SANS STOP

Sans, moving his hands a little lower:

Papyrus: SANS PLEASE WE'RE SURROUNDED BY CHILDREN THIS IS A HUMAN CHILD'S 5TH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

It's all in good fun and he never goes further than that. The one place he'll draw the line is if you get a little too sexual for him in public. Especially if his brother is right there. He prefers to keep that stuff just between you and him.

Okay now onto Axe! Unlike Sans, Axe would rather stay inside for the rest of his life than go outside. His appearance discourages him from wanting to do so. If you're with him this mentality will probably be projected onto you as well. He won't really ask you to go out anywhere (unless it's somewhere he specifically knows will make you happy) so in terms of that don't expect much from him. Axe is really happy that you don't really like going out either way and you'd rather spend time with him inside the house where it's safe, warm, and he can keep an eye out for you. It's comforting to him that he can know where you are and that you're happy with him. His favorite moments with you are when you've got your head in a book and he sees your face relax as you get lost in your own little world. It's just the cutest thing. Axe absolutely adores the fact that you're clingy because unlike his counterpart (assuming that at this point he obviously trusts you) it doesn't take time for him at all to want to cuddle you, hold you in his arms, kiss you, etc. He's shy about none of it. The only thing you'd really need to look out for is when you try and initiate affection yourself. It's not that it's unwelcomed; he just doesn't take surprises well due to the nature of his underground. Make sure that you let him know what's coming and you'll both be perfectly fine. During the few times that you two are in public together he's not shy about showing the world that you're his. The only time where he might ask you to step back a little is when you're with his brother. He doesn't like Crooks seeing stuff like this because he still has an instinct to protect him from things. Not that you'd ever try anything of course.

An aspect about you that both skeletons greatly appreciate is how you're very honest with the people that you love and that you act as the friend who listens. They've both found themselves in the same position as you and now that you're dating both of them it's a wonderful change of pace. You all can sit down and vent to each other instead of only listening to others rant and you all absolutely trust each other. Honesty and integrity are both traits the skeletons really look for in a datemate. There's basically no secrets between the three of you and for your skeleton boys thats definitely new for them. As for your talent with singing and art? They genuinely can't get enough of either. Whenever you draw something? Sans will literally stare and wonder how he ended up with someone as talented as you meanwhile Axe has already grabbed the drawing and put it on the fridge. If you ever try and talk yourself down both of them are immediately on your case about how you shouldn't put yourself down and that everything you make is a masterpiece. Axe will literally also ask you who the fuck made you think like that and where do they live. He isn't joking. Sans won't be as vocal about it as Axe is but he's listening in as well. With your singing they both love your voice to pieces. Sans will hype you up to every single person at Grillby's and even encourage you to let others hear your talent. If not, that's cool too. He can just sit and listen at home. Axe mostly likes to ask for you to sing to him when he's having a really rough day or when it's late at night and you're both alone. What can he say? It helps him sleep.

[hoopdiddies]

I'm Not Over You //Ben Hardy x Reader (Part 9)

A/N: All the fact checking had me reeling to be honest and this is one long-ass chapter, longer than the one where I said 'it's the longest I've written' but actually this wins the competition. I've used some lyrics from the song Photograph cos I felt like it would go nicely with the flow plus I am weak with hospital scenes because of the distresses that occur within it but I tried ya know ¯_(ツ)_/¯ It's a little messy and dramatic on a side note because I had to deal with some outside disturbances as well and my mind was on other things 😔 But again, thank you guys for supporting this series! Your feedbacks mean a lot ♥ Tag list is always open!! (seriously, I need more people to tag xd)

Summary: You had always loved Ben ever since you the two of you met in university and became the best of friends. That feeling went out like a candle flame when you parted ways until he re-entered your life...but this time with someone who has already occupied his heart.

Warnings: That angst from 8? Yeah, it just upgraded, fluff if you, like, use a microscope, explicit description of blood and injuries, swearing but I kept it to a minimum, mentions of death but there's actually no death. Melodrama, ig? Sorry, I had a hard time writing consistently this week ^^'

WC: 6.5k (Someone got carried away.)

Tags: @haendel-me-with-care

@mrsdoradominguez-barnes

@mickmoon

@lakef

@mrsmazzello

@valeriecarolinaw

@queen-turtle-boiii

@loveandbeloved29

@hardzzellos

Parts: 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

"Someone please help! Help us! "

"Bloody bastard just drove off without even stopping! "

"Are you fu- you left your phone?! He's barely clinging on to life!! Ask a random person to dial 911!"

"Oh god, what- what do we do- his head, his freaking head! There is so much blood right now!"

"D-don't move his neck! He's critical!"

"Rosy. Rosy. Calm down...he has to be fine..he should be... "

"An ambulance is on its way!"

"His head is fucking bloody! Do you even want- fuck! Someone help here! Someone, please help! "

"Is he even breathing?! "

"Oh god, Y/N! He's not- he's not! "

"You better not be joking around!"

"Joe! He is bloody dying and you think I'm fucking joking?!"

"He has no pulse as well..."

"I got to- I have to make an attempt to resuscitate him. "

"Are you sure?"

"We're not waiting for that goddamn vehicle! If I don't do it, he's going to die!"

"Wake up, Ben! Please, wake up..."

Blur. That's what everything was. A huge, uncoordinated, focal blur. A sea of people had crowded the scene like a flock of sheep ready to graze on the pasture, except the only green they had for their eyes was the sight of six, dreadful friends taking it in their hands to keep the seventh one grounded while they wait for professional help.

The ones with flashing cameras hoisted up high to document the scene disgusted you down to the pits of your stomach and you had wished for them to scatter away. You all, especially you had to bear the agony of seeing him motionless on the asphalt ground– without breath, skin drained of color while the only color highlighted in the spectrum was the copious but graphic amount of blood that had tainted the spot he was lying in– his hair coated in the sticky, sanguinary puddle, creating a traumatizing mix of blond and deep red that you now couldn't forget. The tears pricking from your eyes when you had given him mouth to mouth mingling with his bleeding forehead.

He had lost all consciousness at a maximum.

You had ached to cradle his body right there and then but had you acted on impulse; it would've worsened the situation.

Medics had filled in the scene seconds after you had given Ben a well-thought out CPR undeterred by your raging adrenaline. He was then brought into the ambulance with Rosy tagging along to be there when they rush him into the ER. You had gone after with the others in Gwilym's car, your shaking hands coated with drying blood -his drying blood- as you made your way to the hospital in a blistering cruise.

You're still in your dress, only topped with Joe's designer blazer to shield you from the cold and a warm, half-empty cup of brew situated between your palms partially substituting the natural heat of your skin, waiting quietly in the lounging room. They had transferred Ben to a private room after performing an operation on his head and scanning him afterwards. One of the emergency doctors remarked that if it weren't for your initiative to follow first aid protocol and give him immediate resuscitation before help had arrived– he would have gone ten minutes early.

You've been waiting an hour and a half for the doctor to step out of the room and deliver the news about his condition. And while you do that, Joe and Lucy have gone off to collect a fresh pair of clothing from the hotel for you to change into. Rosy is stood at the entrance making some calls, Gwilym and Rami have gone back to their respective hotels to change clothes and come back for the news.

You felt light hearing that comment but it's nothing compared to the aftermath of the accident. It was a hit-and-run and the driver didn't even step on his breaks or bother to stop to take responsibility.

Rami's blazer that had been used to delay Ben's bleeding has been given back to him for dry cleaning. To complicate the situation, you're supposed to be boarded on a plane back to England eight hours from now yet that's something you have to cross out from the bucket list, entirely. You're not going anywhere unless Ben heaves out a single sigh of life.

Not a single step out the fucking institution unless he opens those eyes.

Unless he parts his lips.

Unless he says your name.

You owe it to him for saving your life, nearly costing his.

And it's just 2 in the morning.

You put down the cup on the space next to you, bringing your hands up to your lowered head, underneath your eyes watering from all of that's happened tonight.

"We're back." Two figures stand before you minutes after your eyelids have fluttered shut in despair. You lift your head to be met with Joe and Lucy in their casual clothes, smiling sadly at you with paperbags in hand.

You return that smile with a much weaker one. They settle the bags down and Joe sinks down on one knee in front of you, taking your face in his hands gently while he peeks up at you. "I see the news isn't out yet. You can change, we'll take care of it."

"You sure?" You mumble quietly. He nods and you prolong a sigh as you sit up, getting tenderly lulled into a hug by Lucy. "He's gonna be okay." She expresses definitely as she rubs your back. You thank her for the reassurance before taking one of the bags that contains your clothes.

Pulling the hem of your sweatshirt in place, you couldn't wait to escape the lavatory. It smells of newly applied bleach and the pungent odor is plain nauseating. You close the door with the bag in hand on your way out but freeze in your spot as a certain, exclusive news breaks out in the TV screen above you.

"Just 10pm tonight, Bohemian Rhapsody and EastEnders star, Ben Hardy, has reportedly been gravely involved and injured in a hit-and-run just outside of Wallis Annenberg Center during the ongoing Vanity Fair after party. Sources said that he had dashed headlong down the traffic-jammed streets to what they said was an attempt to save co-star's, Joe Mazzello, date from an incoming vehicle– which he had succeeded in as he failed to save himself–" The rest of the news anchor's words go unprocessed in your head as you hurriedly trace your way back to the lounging area, unwilling to hear recurring reports at yours or anyone's expense.

It already hurts enough that you think it's partly your fault for acting so careless.

By now, the attending physician should be out and conveying the news to Lucy and Joe and as you arrive– he is, hands in his lab coat pockets, informing them in the most serious of tones.

They see you approaching and you ask immediately, words stumbling out of your mouth like perceivable beats. "Doc, how is he? How's Ben?"

With Lucy and Joe already informed about it, the doctor decides to tell you himself to save them the hassle. "He should be fine soon. However I must be frank with you, miss," your heart loses a beat for a fraction of a second at the suspense rising, "he flat lined twice in the ER. It took three sets of defibs to get his heart beating again." Hearing him break to you that Ben was a simple step away from death as they tried to treat him drains the warm color palette in your face, even with the affirmation that he's going to be alright; knowing there were two moments in which he had slipped in and out of life at the same time just upsets your stomach.

The doctor continues with his report, telling you that he's suffered from a mild to severe head trauma caused by the blunt force when he had his scalp dragged along the asphalt. Apparently he fissured the the near front of his skull and underwent neurosurgery for it.  You quickly get the idea, having studied a series of medical topics of course, but it doesn't invalidate the fact that it still sounds like a bad thing.

The doctor sighs and adds. "Although he bled internally at a minimum, he's lucky to have bled externally for the most part."

Forming a steeple of your fingers and stealing a quick glimpse of Lucy and Joe, you gulp hard. "How long 'til he wakes up?"

"I'd say in about 48 hours. His scan results after the surgery showed promise for a stable recovery though he might wake up a little dazed at first due to the moderate concussion," at least you're getting the assurance that he's waking up, "your friend has a thick skull. He'll recover in time, but with short-term effects."

48 hours. Not enough time for you to stay or leave.

"Can we see him? Right now?" Setting your expectations to the highest, you ask with a glimmer of hope and the doctor approves, minding you to turn down the lights in the room as Ben would likely be sensitive to it by the time he wakes. "A nurse will come by and check on him every once in a while as well."

You nod weakly, thanking him professionally as you gradually hang your head in disappointment. He wishes Ben a speedy recovery before turning on his heels, leaving you to it.

Lucy brings her short hair up in a pigtail, asking as she lifts up her share of the paper bags. "Are we going in now? I mean, the doc said we're able to." She vaguely points at the door of the room and you and Joe swap looks before deciding on it. You collect your items from the seats and draw in breaths as you follow suit, stepping into the room and being welcomed by the almost odorless whiff of paint and medicine; along with the light to moderate blow of the air conditioner.

As the door clicks close, you stand motionless yet internally trembling at the heartbreaking sight of Ben lying unresponsive, surrounded by various machines working to keep him alive. Flanking his bed are the heart monitor -fully functional- and a medical ventilator from which he is breathing from. He's hooked up to an IV bag with a breathing tube put into his mouth, his left arm is propped upon his abdomen but protected around a plaster and supported within a blue arm sling and lastly, his head is wrapped in a layer of roller bandage– the giveaway of his major injury.

"Y/N..." Joe cooing breaks you off from your vacant gaze but you hand him a forlorn eye as bring yourself to Ben's side, glancing over his limp body. He's taken quite a hit to have fractured his arm like this. His complexion didn't appear as livid as it is now and marking his bottom lip -which has lost that luscious red tint as well- is a small bruise, parted from his upper lip as he involuntarily breathes through the tube in his mouth. You don't hear his slow exhales but the normal rise and fall of his chest consoles a small part of you; the stable beeping of the heart monitor being the only occuring noise in the room. Concerned with how awfully quiet you've gone, Lucy and Joe give each other fitting looks as they share the same thought on the situation. As one of them begins to step close to ensure you're taking it well, you pipe up before them, your once honey-laced voice diminished to a monotone. "It's...not my fault."

"Of course, it's not," Lucy, being the one who has taken that step close, tenderly agrees but you add.

"It's not but it feels like it is."

Now Joe steps up next but stop as you add once more.

"And I told him I wanted to forget him and for him to do the same." Now some tears are inevitable.

"Y/N-"

"As impractical as it is to think about it now, but what if he does?" your hand has now hovered over him, the nerves of the pads of your fingers itching to skim themselves over his free hand, "I don't want to go. But I have to and he's still not gonna wake up by the time I leave."

His condition just yearns for your touch but you don't want to lay a hand on him just yet, out of the fear that you might hurt a small part of him.

Joe sighs softly as he puts his hands on your shoulders, rubbing them with ease. "Why don't you just email the institution about it? Tell them you're gonna have to delay because of an urgent matter."

"I can do that, but only a day after. I can't take long."

"Rami and Gwilym are on their way," Lucy reminds as she gets off her phone from messaging them, "with some food and water."

"None of us are burning the midnight oil then," Joe stretches his limbs and returns to the couch to take a moment to relax, eyes snapping wide as he remembers something. "By the way, Y/N. If you spilled your heart out to him earlier, did you include the bit where our relationship was all but pretend?"

Surely the stare you and Lucy are sharing towards him could render the atmosphere painful but you answer regardless of the topic, shaking your head as you turn your attention to Ben once more. "No. But he's bound to question it. That is if he remembers what happened."

Lucy rests her hand on her hip as she glances at the heart monitor, the waves tempting her eyes to follow them. "Doctor never implied anything about amnesia."

The three of you fall silent again with you locking your gaze at the man who didn't want to let you go. Who chased you down a busy highway knowing he'd bite the dust if he did and ended up saving you at the expense of his own well-being.

And life.

And his own soul.

He'll recover in a short period, yes. But when you had gently grazed your trembling hand over his bloodied head in the middle of the street, it was as if he was bound to never wake up. A visual you want to shake off for the sake of composure.

Joe and Lucy take notice of your stilled silence again, their expressions low-spirited. Taking small steps towards you, Lucy wraps her arms around your shoulders from behind and pulls out a certain object from her back pocket, slipping it to you. "Found this in the inner pocket of Ben's tainted blazer when the doctors gave his clothes to us."

You cast your gaze to what she's holding and hear your heart shatter at what it is. You slowly take it from her and sweep your thumb over it.

Ben's share of your Homecoming picture.

And behind it, the same date and continuation of what was written on your half.

You piece it in your mind and feel your eyes cloud with tears, a droplet making a small patter as it lands on the polaroid.

He kept it. In his blazer. He brought it along with him.

_I'm not going... anywhere at all. _

"But I am." You mutter as opposed to  the words in your head. For as long as you love him and he doesn't in the way you do, distancing yourself is something that needs to be done to make sure you finally let go. You'd stick around but it would further fragment your soul.

Just in time to tear you from reaching your breakfing point, the door creaks open to two men and a red-haired woman, two of whom are grasping paper bags containing some food and water and one with an overwrought look, respectively.

Lucy leaves your side and walks over to Rami's, kissing his cheek and helping them unload their items on the coffee table. Gwilym gives the three of you, and Rosy who had followed in behind them, an individual hug– asking you about Ben's condition as he lays eyes on him.

You assure him of a smooth recovery and it unknots the lump of worry he's under.

"Oh, Ben, baby... " Breaks down Rosy, who whizzes past you to tear up over her injured fiance. She gazes down painfully at the man before her and delicately fondles his blanch cheek, eyes narrowed to the point where her face has contorted to a scowl which she throws directly at you. "This is all your fault. "

Your brows crease at her in absolute confusion. "What are you talking about?" Sensing that an altercation is about to take place, the rest stumble quiet in preparation for the worst. Joe readies himself to butt in in case it escalates further.

"What did you say to him?" She asks you in a form of a hiss.

"Nothing! I-"

"He chased you down! You must have said something that set him off!" Her demanding voice echoes off the walls, overlaying the beeping and whizzing of both the heart monitor and ventilator. You begin swearing to her that you didn't say anything of the sort but trail off as you realize that what you had actually said, was something that indeed hurt him.

You draw your lips between your teeth and clench your fist, unable to respond with the truth, fearing it might just fuel the fire.

"That's- that's not important now." You shake your head dismissively and turn around.

"It is. You led Ben out into the street, agitated."

"Rosy, please. Can we not talk about this now? We're squabbling in front of an unconscious man-"

"Okay girls. Our boy is out cold but that doesn't mean he can't hear, right?" Eager to quench the growing conflict, Gwilym slides in between the dangerous proximity you've put yourselves in and you huff an apology.

On the other hand, Rosy does the complete opposite. "No, Gwilym. He has been acting strange for weeks and to think tomorrow's supposed to be our wedding! And this is all because of her."

Gwilym turns to her firmly and tries calming - or rather shutting her up for the sake of the peace Ben needs to heal- her down. "We're not throwing fingers here. I know tomorrow's the day and you don't want to put him under pressure, right? I don't think he's going to succumb to waking up if this goes on."

Rami, Lucy and Joe have remained unbelievably quiet but are as keen as Gwilym to prevent something unnecessary as this. It's barely 3 am in the morning for the love of God and you're all in a hospital room. Sleeping patients could bang their fists on the walls from the other side any time.

You, on the other hand, have already made four steps towards the door, ready to leave the room to be alone with your thoughts for the night but you're unable to twist the knob as Rosy snaps once more with the hint, distressing with a clenched jaw.

She's unrelenting.

"Please Y/N, you're overstepping and frankly it's getting in the way of my relationship with Ben."

"You have no idea what I'm trying to do," You mumble in the most bitter of intonations for Rosy to get the message, your fingers clenching around the knob and producing a faint chink. "But he's my best friend. Let me be the person I've always been to him, " you whip your head at her -a stare you're certain could equal to a pelted javelin- and draw your brows together, pleading on account of choosing to be present in a crisis such as this, " he's all yours anyway."

With a strong swing of the door, you march angrily out of the room, making your way outside the building to blow off steam – the smooth rub of the polaroid between your fingers surrendering you to tears.

You give yourself exactly 48 hours to stay before heading back to England to board your flight for Spain.

10 hours

Ben's accident was a clean hit-and-run. Apparently some bystanders had snapped a shot of the license plate the moment the car slowed down and accelerated afterwards. It was then delivered to the police to be given further investigation. His parents have flown in from England to visit him and you badly wish you could greet them but some things are just too heavy to do right now. Back at the hospital, Ben's been given hourly checks and assessments, with each desired result constant. He's not responsive to any physical contact but the doctor is certain that he can perceive sound and sound only.  His body is asleep but his mind isn't.

The rest will be visiting him at dusk while you're going in late with Joe.

After sending an email to the university about your 24-hour delay, you spend the entire day just waiting to go down there and be by his side. Regarding your solitude in the hotel room, Rami had Lucy stay in with him for the meantime and being initially worried about leaving you, she had asked for your permission to which you said yes to.

Sometimes in the day, you can't hold back a few tears at the flashing memory.

17 hours

Loving can hurt

Standing in front of the private room, you clutch the collar of your shirt anxiously, hearing incoherent but distinct murmurs on the other side of the door. Joe looks down at you and squeezes your hand lightly to relieve you of pressure. He knows how much this is affecting you, and though not visually shown, he's taking it hard too.

Loving can hurt sometimes

The door opens to a couple you've familiarized yourself with for so long. Ben's parents.

"Y-Y/N?" Says his mum, unable to believe that it's you standing before her. Your breath hitches as you grin sadly, being pulled into her embrace. "It's been so long."

"It has, Mrs. Jones."

Joe shakes hands with his father as he introduces himself politely. Mr. Jones greets you in with a light hug as well and you can't help but spill a few tears.

But it's the only thing that I know

They give you full access to the room

as they themselves have to leave for a while, thereby trusting their son to his closest circle. Knowing how tight you and Ben are, they give you much of their trust on this one and you'd want nothing more than to make sure he'll wake up without any further complications. They obviously know about Rosy but witnessing how long you and Ben have grown on one another, they trust you the most.

They bid you and Joe goodbye, leaving access to the room exclusive.

When it gets hard

As you begin closing the door behind Joe, he insists that you have some alone time with him. Though it may feel weird but he feels as if you need this the most with time going against you now. Touched by his thoughtfulness, you give him a quick embrace before he leaves you to it.

You know it can get hard sometimes

The sight before you hasn't changed that much.

The same monitors and the same person.

Same feeling.

However you'd rather take everything

in a different light and situation.

You fiddle with your fingers as you accumulate the strength to swallow the lump in your throat, drawing yourself to his side. The mild, incessant whirring of both the air conditioner and ventilator occupies the silent atmosphere along with the steady beeps of the heart monitor, blocking the huge gulp you've taken.

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

Slowly taking a seat on the stool positioned beside the guard rails of the bed,  you let out a quavery sigh– the byproduct of all the tearing up you've  done today. You take his free hand in yours and stroke his pale knuckles with your thumb, leaning in to plant a kiss on it.

We keep this love in a photograph

"Ben? It's me. Can you hear me?"

One-sided conversations are helpful according to experts and this is the perfect opportunity to tell him everything without having to bear the flits in his expression.

But you beg to differ.

We made these memories for ourselves. Where our eyes are never closing.

You continue, allowing every crack and quiver to manifest in your voice no matter how relatively pathetic it will make you sound.

"Ben, please, you gotta wake up. You're leaving us in a hot mess here, bud. Hell, you gave your parents the scare of their lives. I know I'm starting off rough with this, but it's all cause you had to leap in like that. But then again, it was- it was not your fault. This- all of this is not your doing. I should've been more careful on that road. Would've been better if I had cut back on the melodrama, huh? Haha..."

You lick your lips and resume, owning the patters your tears have soiled on the tiled floor.

Hearts are never broken

"I'm sorry if I had to hide it all from you, " you build it up slowly, tears tenacious to leave your eyes, "it's just that I was afraid you'd soon forget me once you've married and I wouldn't be part of your life anymore. To make matters worse, I have always loved you, Ben. On every level and aspect, I still do. Sticking around to see you spend the rest of your life with someone else when that feeling is still present is just toxic. And to think you're supposed to be wedded tomorrow, "you sniffle, taking a few seconds to form your following words, "that's why it would be easier if we- if we...oh god, I'm actually much more of an actor than you are..." You want to chuckle for it, but nothing resembling a chuckle mopes out of your mouth. Just...short breaths.

Time is forever frozen-

"But I truly am happy for you. I really am. But I can't be happy myself when you've taken a huge portion of my heart and I'm just...I just want to make sure nothing will ever ruin your happiness," You close the distance between you and the bed, your hot tears dripping on his arm sling, the cloth absorbing it. You're really taking advantage of his inability to respond.

"I'm s-sorry, Ben. I don't know how long I can stay by your side like this. Literally like this. But as long as I am able, " you lower your head onto his chest, now shamelessly sobbing like you haven't broken down in centuries, squeezing his free but chilly hand like it's the only thing that'll give you warmth tonight, "I'm sorry if I'm going somewhere."

And still

Despite promising to give you a moment alone with him, Joe -having recurring, inquisitive tendencies- has acted as opposed to his promise and  eavesdropped on your unrequited talk due to having to wait too long, not realizing that after hearing all your words exit in sobs, you've fallen asleep with your head on Ben's chest.

Joe glances around the hall before budging the door open, careful not to disturb you as he sees you out cold next to him. He presses his lips into a hard line and chuckles quietly, amused as he grabs an available sheet from the couch and drapes it over you. The moment he notices a tear droplet stuck in the corner of your eye, he wipes it away with his thumb, sighing profoundly.

"Rosy's gonna flip when she gets back and sees this. So, " Joe, mumbling on his own, tumbles back down onto the couch and kicks back, "I'll be here just in case."

20 hours

So you can keep me

A nurse opens the door with a tray and clipboard in hand to conduct an hourly assessment of his condition, not minding your head placement on his chest. He's still unresponsive to anything external.

I**nside the pocket of your ripped jeans **

As the test ends and the nurse closes the door on her way out, his finger twitches.

30 hours

Holding me closer til our eyes meet

Joe wakes you up softly with a bowl of soup in hand– something he bought from the cafeteria upstairs. You lift your heavy head from its recent spot and blink your bleary eyes at him, giving away a wry smile and telling him you'll eat later on.

You won't ever be alone

"By they way, this slipped from your pocket." He slips something off the table and hands it to you with a knowing look, that something being the dual polaroids you've taped together the other night. You take it from him deliberately and turn your head to Ben, before staring down at the joint pictures, nostalgia ever so sudden like a whiplash.

Wait for me to come home

35 hours

Loving can heal

Rami and Lucy have stopped by to visit and take your 'shifts' considering Rosy is still absent and you and Joe had to return to the hotel to change. The attending physician and a nurse come in to replace his breathing tube with a nasal cannula, since the assessment done hours prior has shown that he's already capable of breathing on his own.

39 hours

Loving can mend your soul

"Funny how today is supposed to be his wedding but we're getting a funeral instead. " Morbidly comments one of Ben's visitors and closest friends. Every single person in the room who has come by to visit Ben shoots a death glare at him for making that joke within a two feet radius of Ben who is sure to give him a bop on the head the minute he gets up.

41 hours

And it's the only thing that I know

Meanwhile Rosy had spent the entire day rescheduling the wedding and the once volatile reactions she's had do a 360 and is brought down to one, constant look as she bumps into you on your way to Ben's room.

42 hours

I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of you

You both don't say a word until you've settled down on the couch as she strays to Ben's side and wipes the glistening speckle of sweat on his cheek with her thumb, the silence coming to a close as you pry the words out of your mouth.

"Rosy, believe me. I have never harboured the thought of coming between you both. I'm only ever there for him as a friend."

And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

Giving you an impassive eye, she ignores your words entirely and turns her attention back to her fiance.

45 hours

We keep this love in a photograph

You don't leave the room with the hours progressing to the moment he's timed to wake up. A lot of people have paid him a visit, cracking jokes and talking to him notwithstanding the fact that he's utterly unresponsive. They've done all they can to lighten the mood in the room, hoping all their antics and bliss would lure Ben out of his induced insensibility. But he's nowhere near the edge.

We made these memories for ourselves

47 hours

With Rosy snuggled up against his side, Ben retains immobility and it's a sight you're not used to since he's one of the most fidgety arseholes who's ever graced your life. You know you'd be bombed by her if you do this with her close by, but you had given yourself exactly 48 hours to stay before heading back.

Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken

And so you wander to the opposite side of the bed and peer at down your wristwatch for the time.

Time's forever frozen and still.

48 hours

"Ben?" You whimper close to his ear. He's not responding. You know he wouldn't wake up that quickly at the strike of the exact hour but you're impatient to say goodbye to him with his forest, green eyes on full display and wandering around your (Y/E/C) ones to bolster you up.

"Hey." You coax into his ear again, still no response. The racing beat of your heart has matched the beeps of the heart monitor. His heart beats. The similarity is sketchy but nearly symbolic. You're leaving in the morning and he's not up and lively for you to fervently crush in a parting embrace.

"Bud, please. I can't force you to wake up but I'm leaving tomorrow. You have to help me...here." At this point, though how eager you are to, you can't let some tears stream down from your eyes since the possibility of Rosy waking up to you catching sobs is feasible, but Ben's involuntary stillness is not helping you with that ordeal. Losing all hope for a night, you straighten up and collect your things from the couch, deciding to come back one last time tomorrow prior to your departure.

You quickly open the door to the attending physician who's about to step in to take physical tests but you whisk past him without taking a second look.

Easy to say you didn't have a good night sleep with all the stresses weighing down on you that night. Either you hyperventilated in your slumber or remained asleep but with tears seeping from your half-closed eyes.

You've sent Lucy a text in the early hours of the morning notifying her about your departure today. She hasn't responded yet.

"Just a 24-hour delay? Are they that heartless?" Leaning on the door frame of your hotel room with a bitten donut in his hand, Joe questions as he watches you prop your luggage against the open door. "I had to reschedule the flight thrice last month, this one being the latest. It's only reasonable," You huff as a matter of fact, fixing the scarf that has dangled loose around your neck and staring into oblivion barely a second after going tight-lipped.

Finishing his donut, Joe pokes you out of your momentary trance. "You alright?"

You shake your head.

"I don't even know if he's awake now. It's past 48 hours and what if he-"

"There's only one way to find out," appeasing your elevating worry, he grabs you by the shoulders and looks you square in the eye, silently guaranteeing you of his recovery.

Since he'll be driving you to the airport, your things are neatly stored in the confines of the backseat but of course, you have to see Ben one last time, setting aside all the excruciating anticipation.

You scurry into the entrance with Joe by your side, out of breaths by the time you arrive at the door of Ben's room. Taking precautionary measures, you knock firmly on the surface expecting someone or Rosy to answer. But nada. You swap some looks with Joe and twist the knob gently, finding the room free of visitors and medical staff. Perhaps they've assessed him an hour prior.

"No one's around."

As you begin slipping a foot through the ajar door, Joe puts a hand on your shoulder, stopping you mid-step.

"Lucy's on her way."

His update on her reply makes you smile and you continue into the room, seeing the curtains that had blocked the sunlight for two days cast aside, spilling some sunlight into the room.

You take small, wobbly steps along the floor, unable to accept that until now he hasn't fluttered open those orbs you loved staring into so much. You suddenly fear that a complication has risen and is causing his extended unconsciousness but that must be the least of your worries.

So you can keep me, inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

He has to hear you. He has to. He has to.

He's gone really pasty. Dark circles under his eyes despite being asleep for two days. He has grown a scruff and looks painfully unruly, but still a face of an angel. You crouch and take his free hand in yours– careful not to disconnect the IV tube from his wrist, caressing it and drawing in a sharp inhale to free yourself of any doubt to speak up. "Ben. It's Y/N. You're scaring us, you know. The doctor said you'd wake up earlier but why? Why haven't you? What are you doing in there?"

This being the end of the long haul for you, you're not forcing anything at bay anymore– not your tears, not your peeves and certainly not your feelings. You interlace your fingers around his and kiss the back of his hand, your cheeks growing scarlet and wet with tears.

Holding me closer til our eyes meet, you won't ever be alone.

You get up from crouching and throw your arm around him in defiance of the possibility of applying a lot of pressure on his chest. It feels so different holding him that way. For the time you have left, an overly emotional, one-sided conversation should make up for the lost times that would've been great for those.

And if you hurt me, that's okay baby only words bleed

"You really kept that Homecoming picture, didn't you? Coincidentally I did too, just forgot it was there as well. But I pieced it back, by the way. Ironic that we both made a promise on those polaroids the night before graduation. I-I have it with me here, just so you know. Just thought I'd bring it out since...I'll be going soon." You pull the pictures out from the pocket of your coat with trembling hands, eager to wave them in front of him. Once out, you place it on the bedside table for him to keep once more but with your share of the picture.

Inside these pages you just hold me, and I won't ever let you go

You lay your forehead on his, your tears dripping onto his closed lids as you sob his name to get him to wake, at the same time feeling his soft exhales brush against your chin. " I told you I'd be strong and I'm trying to be. I know it sounds like a selfish thing to do but you have to trust me on this one. I want to move on, Ben. You're bound to be wedded soon and have a family of your own. I want to be there for that. I want to be that aunt who'll spoil your kids and make them fight you for the craziest demands. Those things I'd gladly do...if I wasn't this hopeless for you," Little by little, your voice comes out as broken whisper– losing your strength to add any more things to say in the process. On the other side of the door, Joe is finally joined by Lucy who has arrived not a minute late and they can't help but tear up a little at how uncontrolled your crying is slowly turning out, it's become audible enough to be heard from outside.

"Ben, buddy. Come on." He huffs against the hardwood as he and Lucy are tempted to barge in.

Burying your face into the exposed column of his neck with your arm slackening from being draped across his chest, you utter a voiceless but heartfelt statement.

Wait for me to come home

"I love you, Benjamin Jones. Be happy for me."

Your words hang thinly in the fragile air as you pull away from that proximity and leave a long kiss on his forehead, walking back sadly to the door with your hand outstretched ready to grab ahold of the knob.

"H-how could I be..."

The words released sound like a mere memory resonating in your head but you are proved wrong once you turn around.