#exploring her mental health and why she does these things is the point

[seawitchkaraoke]

I am watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend bc the songs are great and I've heard lots of great things about it but maaaaan the second hand embarrassment is really getting to me aaaaaaa

The only person in this entire show who is like.... mentally in a good healthy place is white Josh. I love him. He's the best.

[yangsharperavery]

my carmy/sydney related thoughts on season 2

i think when digesting this show, it's done more easily when we see who carmy and sydney are as people and how they bring that beingness to their dynamic.

it's interesting to see the takes from people who are troubled by what they saw in this season in terms of their relationship.

i personally thought there was so much fascinating groundwork that was laid.

we knew when molly gordon was cast they were likely trying to introduce a love interest for carmy.

i was not shocked, i was not surprised. i literally expected it.

doesn't mean i wasn't rolling my eyes but i was well aware of what function she would play within the narrative.

but the writing is so sharp that there are a million subtle elements of carmy's character, and what we know about him up to this point, including what was illuminated by the christmas episode.

let's first talk about carmy's choices and behavior where it relates to claire vs sydney and the restaurant.

we know that carmy is awkward, isn't incredibly relationally experienced and has sacrificed everything for his career and specific level of skill.

he'd just been ruminating on expanding his experiences as expressed in the al-anon meeting.

we know this man is intensely grief-stricken and also that he's battling his own mental health.

we also know he's literally been bred from chaos and emotional tumult.

even him not going to his own brother's funeral makes so much sense after that christmas episode.

he couldn't stand to witness what that type of grief had done to his already deteriorating mother.

so he's trying to conceptualize fun.

notice he wasn't trying to conceptualize love or relationships or a partner.

it was literally presented and integrated as fun.

so he runs into this girl he used to a have a crush on and even then, he's not sold because he knows himself, he knows his priorities, his propensities toward self sabotage, etc so he gives her a wrong number.

yet she persists.

so to me, this may seem like a sign to him to give this a chance, do some exterior exploration of something outside of the kitchen and outside of his career and outside of his own neurosis.

so he's just going with the flow. trying to be "normal". not really knowing the content or context of anything. another reason why he wasn't even calling claire his girlfriend.

claire even brings up the fact that they'd hung out so much but didn't actually talk.

which is SPOT on because the audience only actually ever sees them talking about their careers or what they were like as kids/teenagers.

but you know who carmy DOES talk to? hmm, more on that later.

so claire is symbolic of this thing that was pleasant when he was younger, when he was less of this grown conglomerate of anxiety and disarray and sorrow. a part of him that's separate from all of his current worry and fixations and dysregulation.

him saying he loves her so much and that he thinks she's so great actually rings hollow because we, the audience, didn't actually get to see when and where that level of specific emotion or intensity occurred.

so off rip i don't believe him. i don't think about it in the context of if or when he and sydney explore anything, because it feels patently untrue to me.

and completely separate from sydney.

it's not earned. it's not rooted. it's not tacitly valid.

it's fine. it's a good time. it's some laughs and conversation and sex and a nice, normal person he has fond, nostalgic memories of.

and i think it's written that way on purpose!

so him professing this to other people feels like this way to continue digging a hole of his own distraction, his absence, his lack of attention to detail.

i completely understand the frustration that many feel about interpreting this like carmy was essentially choosing claire over sydney.

carmy was trying to have an unfamiliar and different experience and didn't have the depth perception, the self awareness and the internal regulation to recognize he was doing it to the detriment of something so deeply and irrevocably important to him.

as soon as sydney brought it up, he got defensive but then moments later recognized his errors and apologized.

she told him she didn't want to share his attention.

he told her she was absolutely correct and that she deserved his full focus.

what's fascinating about this part is they aren't even explicitly talking about the restaurant.

she says "me" and "i", he says "you".

uh. wow.

now even in the context of JUST the restaurant this is saying ALOT here.

him instantly apologizing and agreeing with her requests means a substantial amount.

carmy isn't an ass because he stood sydney up for the palate cleanser. or even because he went absent when he shouldn't have.

carmy is deeply troubled and wounded and suffering and he was grappling for something else to feel or do or think about besides what he's ALWAYS thought about and done and fixated on.

that's why he's unreliable, that's why he's haphazard and emotionally or energetically messy. he's coping.

that's why he knows he makes mistakes all the time. because he feels like he's a screwup in a lot of specific ways in his life so he's used to it.

he's not being malicious or cruel or even unkind to sydney.

and this isn't an excuse. it's a reason. it's what all the information we have about him up to this point is providing us.

and yes, his timing is godawful.

but he trusts this person so implicitly because he knows how talented and capable she is.

carmy does not know HOW to be a partner, of any kind. where would he have learned that? where would that have been modeled for him?

"this is what you wanted originally and i'm giving it to you."

so let's transpose the way carmy and claire are presented with how carmy and sydney are together.

he literally can't WAIT to hear what sydney has to say. about literally anything.

at any given time.

"say more please."

all he wants to do is listen to her talk. he wants to know everything about her. the personal stuff too, almost especially.

he listens to her so closely. in the first or second episode she loses her train of thought and he repeats everything she just said.

i don't even think it was restaurant related.

he brings up her mother not once, but twice.

he feels like he should have known that sydney lost her.

he wants to pour into and believe in her because he does. he already does.

he's ready to apologize to her because he knows what a mess he can be and often is.

he knows what his anger can do. he knows how he was conditioned and raised in the industry and he doesn't want that at all for her, least of all from him.

especially after she walked out last season.

he's hyperaware of it. he calms down instantly both times she does the sign for sorry that HE taught her.

he has this propulsion to NEED to know what's happening with her in the very moment something occurs.

he did it last season when she quit on the spot and he kept trying to talk to her when she was leaving.

he did it this season when she was frustrated and trying to say goodnight after carmy was actively telling everyone goodnight and to go home, yet he tried to talk to her when she was leaving.

"what?"

"i'm saying goodnight."

he was repeatedly ushering everyone out but because of the look on her face, carmy's like wait, "what's that about, what's happening?"

he can't stand it!

same with them outside last season when he brought her food and asked what was wrong.

if something is up with her, he reacts immediately.

if she's peeved, he wants to know why right away, he wants to know what to do to make it better, how to approach it, what to say, he goes out in search of that information in the moment it's happening.

sydney is his soft place.

he feels very anchored and tethered to her and i believe she feels the same with him.

sydney is his respite. his peace. the thought of her literally calms and stills him.

her being energetically seats him.

we saw it penetrate his seismic and consistent panic in real time.

that was clearly displayed for all of us to witness.

he doesn't want to be cruel or unkind or anything other than present and communicative with her.

i'd venture to say he actually doesn't want anything more than that, besides maybe the restaurant to succeed.

now sydney is in her "i have something to prove" era.

she is so driven and so determined but she's also a realist and is inundated and surrounded by all this proof that what she's doing may be foolhardy.

at the very least, it's incredibly risky. it's a jump.

and someone deeply ambitious and creative and tuned in and focused like sydney has such fear of failure.

because she knows what it often means for someone like her.

that's why she overextends herself so continuously.

she's often had to and she thinks it gets her closer to the opposite of failure.

she was not only aware of the gaps carmy's absence was leaving but also planning this tasting menu with a MILLION things on it because something was gonna be the star because it MUST.

and i think the carmy absence flares a bit of abandonment as well, like he's left her in a lurch.

she has feelings about that.

she finds out why he did, and TRIES not to have feelings about that.

that's confusing and she's already beyond stressed out so she tries to stuff it.

her success is so tied to her identity because she's worked so hard to get where she is and still feels like she's not where she wants to be.

so she wrestles with worthiness and worry and the financial climate of affability for restaurants. she's riddled with what if she can't hack it?

she has evidence of that being true in the past.

she has evidence of her past failures and those are what keep her up at night, not the infinite possibilities of her future successes.

and that's also why she picked carmy.

because she was always going to pick the best.

she was always going to follow the career and moves of the standout in the industry.

of the person that made the best meal she's ever had.

so if he's anal retentive or jumpy or doesn't call about changing the structural elements of their restaurant while it's happening, she deals with it because she picked him.

she chose him. and then he chose her.

(and then she lightweight chose him again when she came back)

so that's why when they're talking he so often checks in by looking her in the face, scanning her expression. he instantly picks up on something being off or wrong or him being "shitty".

or why when they're under a damn table, despite being peeved or annoyed with his disappearing acts, she lets out the most vulnerable, softest admissions about the perceived necessity of her contribution and future failure.

or why he responds with "i couldn't do it without you" so instantly, so rapidly, it's like it's etched in him. that's the quickest response he'd given to anything she said to him the entire season, she barely got the words fully out before he was verbally soothing her.

then he STAMPS this by saying "i wouldn't WANT to do this without you."

there was such an unexpectedly, viscerally aching quality to that exchange.

it's honestly searing.

i'm sorry are these wedding vows or are we talking about opening a damn restaurant?

or the way he says "you love taking care of people" to her when she talks about making sugar food.

that's also a stellar mirrored moment because i've seen a few people, i believe @eatandsleepwell is one, talk a lot about how that's one of carmy's main drivers and internal tenants.

they see so much of themselves in each other.

the buried parts, the unknown parts, the odd parts.

the parts they wanna work on. the parts they wanna exalt.

they are so similar. they are also quite different.

they have reflected one another in the narrative since s1 ep1.

they exist so flawlessly within the others interstices.

she wordlessly hands him pepto for his stomach.

he tells her he won't let her fail.

the pulsing undercurrent of sydney and carmy is pretty fucking palpable.

there's people on social media who weren't convinced or didn't ship them last season that have suddenly completely seen the vision.

whether the writers actually go there or not remains to be seen.

i don't necessarily trust that they will or won't to be honest because i know there are so many moving pieces and variables and factors.

ships get bypassed and messed up all the time.

i don't watch any shows for ship guarantees but i know how writer's rooms work.

i'd venture to bet that at least 1/3 of that room DOES have an interest in seeing something happen between carmy and sydney, (maybe even 1/2).

or at the very least the option to have it explored.

different people write different episodes, the showrunner/creator can scratch or add whatever.

scripts are TIRELESSLY edited and shortened.

yet there is alot that makes the final cut that points to the potent carmy and sydney marrow.

him giving her the captain reigns before they served for the first time, her saying 'let it rip'.

to me, sydney walked into that failing sandwich shop with a mission that day, they locked eyes and immediately fused.

something happened to the both of them in that moment and they largely don't even realize or can adequately reckon with its magnitude yet.

[lewmagoo]

return to me | bob floyd

description: in which there is only one pilot you trust to bring your husband home safely

warnings: mentions of death, brief allusion to mental health struggles, angst with a happy ending, mentions of pregnancy, military/navy inaccuracies

pairing: robert "bob" floyd x wife!reader, platonic natasha "phoenix" trace x reader

notes: this story touches on the aftermath of the bird strike that phoenix and bob went through. i thought it would be interesting to explore what phoenix's feelings might have been after the fact, and show just how much she cares about bob. i didn't expect this to go anywhere but an entire fic was born from the idea, much to my surprise

Natasha’s hands were shaking. 

She hadn’t even realized they were, until the ever-observant Bob pointed it out. She looked down, and sure enough, there was a tremor. Annoyed at his observation, she folded her arms and tucked her hands under them. 

Bob only shook his head, bracing himself on his elbows so he could fully look at her. “You’re thinking too loud,” he mused, “I feel like I can hear what’s going through your mind from here.” 

“I’m fine.”

“We quite literally just hurtled through the sky to our deaths. You’re not fine, ‘Nix.”

“The hurtling through the sky thing isn’t what’s bothering me.”

“I know. My wife is what’s bothering you.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him, annoyed that, yet again, he was right. She let out a sigh when he raised his brows at her. “It’s just messed up that the first time I have to meet her is in the hospital after I almost killed her husband. Why couldn’t we have met over dinner at your house or something normal?!”

Bob shook his head. “She understands. She’s not—”

But Natasha cut him off. “Does she? Or are you just saying that?”

He wanted to roll his eyes, but he didn’t. He could see how much she was struggling with this. 

Natasha had taken a liking to Bob from the moment they met. She took him under her wing, and he let her, because he was happy to have someone like her looking out for him. He didn’t talk about his personal life with any other squad members, save for telling Bradley a few details here and there. But with Natasha, he’d opened up to her about a lot more. Such as the fact that he had a wife and two children, not to mention another one on the way. 

Though she’d never voiced it out loud, Bob knew that she felt obligated to protect him, solely because she wanted him to be able to come home safe and sound to his family. She didn’t want to be the reason his children had to grow up without a father. So she vowed to be damn good at her job and always bring him back safely. 

Until today, when she almost failed at that. In her mind, at least. Bob didn’t view it as a failure whatsoever. She’d pulled out and they both made it to the ground with some run-of-the-mill bumps and bruises that came from having to eject from an aircraft that was spiraling through the sky. Neither of them had lost their life that day, and that was what mattered. 

But Natasha couldn’t help but picture the way you must have felt to receive that phone call. She imagined your mind had immediately gone to the worst case scenario. And she would be right about that. 

When your phone rang that day, you were at the park with your two small children. Henry, who was four, and Juliet, who was two. It had started out as a normal day. Bob had kissed you goodbye that morning, hugged the little ones, and headed out the door with the promise of being home for supper that evening. 

You went about the day as usual, but when your phone began vibrating in your pocket as you were watching your little ones play on the playground, you pulled the device, and your heart sank when you recognized what number it was, by the area code. 

Your hand shook as you pressed the phone to your ear, only to hear the words, “is this Mrs. Robert Floyd?”

You answered affirmatively, until you realized no sound came out, because your voice had failed you. So you cleared your throat and tried again. “This is she.”

You were prepared for your world to crumble. Prepared for the life-altering news, informing you that your sweet Robert was dead. 

But to your utter, all-consuming relief, the person on the other end assured you that your husband was very much alive, albeit banged up from a bird strike that had forced him to eject from his aircraft. 

“Thank God,” you breathed, placing a hand over your racing heart. “Can our children and I visit him?”

You were given the all-clear to visit, so you quickly gathered up your kids. Henry seemed to be on the verge of tears when you told him your park trip had to be cut short, but those tears quickly faded at the promise of seeing his father. 

“Daddy got hurt at work, so we’re going to go see him at the hospital,” you assured the little boy, every bit the spitting image of Bob, complete with his own tiny pair of glasses. 

“Did he need a Band-Aid?” Henry asked as you buckled him into his car seat. 

You smiled at his innocence. “He needed a few of them I’m sure. You can ask him all about them when you see him.” 

With the kids safely fastened into the car, you climbed into the driver’s seat and headed for the hospital. Your mind was racing as you drove, and you were thanking your lucky stars that Bobby was okay. It could have been so much worse, you knew. The thought of losing your husband was nearly unbearable. Especially when you imagined raising your little ones alone, or delivering your next babe without him. 

He’d been very involved in the births of Henry and Juliet, and the thought of him being absent for the birth of the one you currently carried was not a thought you wanted to entertain. 

Of course, you knew it was a possibility. Especially now, with him being summoned back to Top Gun for a high-profile mission that he wasn’t allowed to talk about. It could mean him leaving and never coming home again. But you chose not to dwell on that. Instead, you focused on the fact that he was alive here and now, thanks to the quick thinking of his pilot, Natasha Trace. 

You hadn’t met the woman yet, but Bob spoke very highly of her. He informed you that she was always looking out for him, in the sky and on the ground, and just from what you’d heard, you had grown to admire her. 

You would, of course, have to thank her when you saw her at the hospital. She deserved a thank you for bringing your husband home safely. 

Until then, you were thrumming with anxiety, all too eager to be reunited with Bob, and see with your own two eyes that he was, in fact, okay. It felt as if you held your breath the entire drive to the hospital, and you didn’t let it out until you stepped foot in the room and saw your Bobby sitting upright in bed, usually neat hair falling in soft waves, a few loose strands across his forehead. 

He looked up when you walked in, and his face lit up at the sight of you and his babies. “Oh, Bobby,” you breathed, immediately rushing to his side. 

You wrapped your arms around him, and he hummed, instinctively placing a hand over your rounded belly. “I’m okay, darlin’,” he assured you. 

You pulled back only to brush his hair from his forehead. “Thank goodness. You had me worried there for a minute.”

Two little faces peered up at him from beside you, both wide-eyed and very concerned for their father’s well-being. Bob reached out to take Henry’s small hand. “Hey, buddy.”

“Did you need lots of Band-Aids to help you feel better?” the little boy questioned. 

Bob smiled softly. “Just a few. But I’m fine, I promise. Just got some bumps and bruises.”

You noticed a woman seated on the second bed in the room. She was beautiful, with dark hair and striking features. Even in a pair of sweatpants and a stark white shirt, she had an air about her that exuded a certain assuredness. 

You offered her a smile, which she returned, but hers seemed a little forced. You wanted to say something to her, but you were interrupted by Henry asking if you could help him climb into his father’s bed. 

While you helped both children up into the bed, Natasha took that as her moment to slip out of the room. Seeing Bob reunited with his family put everything into perspective for her, and she couldn’t bear to watch the scene any longer. Not when she could have been the reason those sweet children lost their father. 

She rushed out into the hall, needing to be anywhere but that room. She walked so quickly the breeze from her movements blew her hair back over her shoulders. Finally, she found herself at the end of the hall, right by the window, where she decided she was going to remain until you left. 

One particular instance kept replaying in her mind, like a record whose needle had slipped and kept skipping over one part of a song. It wasn’t the bird strike, or the fact that she and Bob had to eject. No, she kept replaying something Maverick had spoken to her just the other day, when he was grilling the team.

“Don’t tell me. Tell it to his family.”

When he said that, she could barely stand to look at Bob, who was seated right beside her, because she was afraid she’d cry. She had never been an overly emotional person, she always knew how to keep things in check. But for whatever reason, she was deeply affected by this.

Natasha already felt responsible for Bob’s safety, and she’d already known about his family. But the Captain’s words truly put it into perspective. While she was well acquainted with the risks their job presented, that didn’t mean she wasn’t allowed to worry about what might happen.

She wasn’t sure if she could face you. And if, God forbid, there ever came a time when she made it out of a situation alive and Bob didn’t, she knew she’d never forgive herself. It made her anxiety about the upcoming mission spike, because the stakes were so much higher. This wasn’t a training exercise. This was life or death.

“Get it together,” she hissed to herself as she gazed out of that hospital window. She was usually able to rationalize things in her mind. She remained cool and collected in most situations. But this time, she felt like she was spiraling out of control, and she hated it.

Back in Bob’s room, you looked at him curiously, questioning Natasha’s sudden departure. He hesitated for a moment, unsure of just how much to reveal. 

“She…she’s struggling a little. She feels responsible for me.”

“Oh,” you quietly hummed in reply. “Maybe I should go talk to her.”

“Give her a few minutes to pull herself together,” he suggested. “I think she needs to be alone.”

You nodded thoughtfully, glancing after her retreating form. However, you soon turned your attention back to your family. Both little ones had nestled themselves against Bob, and he spoke to them softly, calming their worried little minds. 

He was so good with them. He always knew how to soothe them, even from the time they were newborns. Sometimes they even preferred him over you for comfort. But you were okay with it, because it was truly a wondrous sight to witness.

“C’mere,” he told you, reaching for your hand. 

You gave it to him, and let him pull you over to sit on the bed. He could see the faraway look in your eyes, so he reassured you. “I’m okay, I promise.”

“I know. I just…I’m glad you’re here. Glad you made it back safely.”

He smiled softly, though his baby blues were glimmering with unshed tears. “I’ll always come back to you, remember?” 

You squeezed his hand. “I know, Bobby.”

His attention shifted back to your children, who held onto his every word as he described what had happened to him that day. He didn’t go into too much detail, but he explained it in a way that they could understand. That was another thing he was good at. He seemed to know the right thing to say to them at just the right time. 

Despite the stress of the situation, a sense of peace fell over the room. That was just the way it was with your little family. Were there times when you and Bob had spats, or the kids misbehaved? Absolutely. But your family unit as a whole was tranquil, and it was something that you and your husband cherished. You wanted to give your children as calm of a life as possible, especially with the career their father had. 

They already experienced enough in the form of moving from place to place and dealing with interruptions in their routines. Knowing their parents loved them, and each other, no matter what came their way, was the most important thing in the midst of it all.

But there, seated beside your husband in that hospital bed, you couldn’t help but allow your mind to wander to the woman who’d left the room. Who very clearly was grappling with something. And as you enjoyed the peace within your own little family, you felt the need to invite her to be part of it. 

“I’ll be right back,” you murmured, leaning in to kiss Bob gently on the forehead. “The kids need a snack so I’m gonna grab something from the cafeteria. Do you want anything?”

“Just a ginger ale,” he replied with a smile, “the pain meds they gave me kind of made me feel nauseous.”

“You got it, babe.”

You slipped away, leaving your family in the room as you headed out into the hall. What you said wasn’t a lie, you really were heading to the cafeteria. But you planned to check on Natasha first. 

As you stepped into the sterile, white hallway, you glanced around, hoping you’d easily find her. Sure enough, at the end of the hall, there was a window, and she was perched on the sill. You stood there a moment, debating your next move, before you finally began making your way toward her.

Natasha was so lost in thought that she didn’t hear you approach. Your voice made her jump, and her head lifted to look at you, brown eyes wide, and filled with so much emotion.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” you assured her, holding your hands out in surrender. You then motioned to the window sill. “Do you mind if I sit with you for a bit?”

She was silent for a moment, and you feared she might turn you away, until she finally relented with a nod, moving over a little to give you space to sit beside her. As you did, you let out a soft sight, hoping to break the ice gently. 

“I really should thank you for making sure Bobby made it back safely today.”

That was exactly what she was afraid you’d say. “Don’t thank me,” she whispered.

“But I feel like I should. It gives me such peace of mind to know that you’re up there with him. He tells me all the time just how great of a pilot you are, and–”

“Please, just stop.”

Her abruptness made you freeze, and you looked at her, concern written all over your features. When you realized she was crying, your heart ached for her. “I’m sorry, I overstepped. I’m sure you want your space still, so I’ll let you have it.”

But when you rose to leave, her hand came out to grab your wrist. “No, don’t leave,” she said, catching your gaze. “Truth is, I’m the one that should be apologizing. I’m not the hero you think I am. I…I hesitated up there, today. And when you’re flying, you don’t have time to hesitate. But I did, I thought I could save the aircraft, and I put your husband’s life in danger because I couldn’t just pull the ejection handle like I was supposed to, and I–”

“Natasha.”

She went quiet, lifting her tearful eyes to meet yours. You reached out to place your hand over her own. “It’s okay. None of that matters now. The important thing is that both you and Bob are alive. It could’ve been much worse.”

That’s what I’m afraid of! She wanted to exclaim. I’m terrified of it being so much worse. I’m terrified of being the reason you end up a widow! But Natasha wasn’t sure why she was so upset over this. She had years of training under her belt. She’d been prepared for situations like this. Even so, she was grappling with it now.

“I-I don’t mean to be cynical, but please don’t put your faith in me. I will do what it takes to bring me and Bob back home safely every time, but I’m not some master pilot who never makes mistakes. One day, I might…might mess up.”

You realized what this was all about, and you shook your head. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m putting unnecessary pressure on you.” You could slap yourself, really. “Natasha, I need you to know something. We only just met, but I can tell you have my husband’s back. I know you’re not perfect. I know you’re capable of making mistakes up there. And that’s okay. All I ask is that you be careful up there, for both your sakes.”

She took in a breath, closing her eyes for a moment. Her hands rested on the edges of the window sill, gripping tightly. “But what if I end up being the reason you lose your husband?”

“I won’t blame you for it.”

“Why do you say that?”

You let out a soft sigh, deciding to be candid with her. “Years ago, my dad was in a crash where his WSO died, but he survived.”

That got Natasha’s attention, and she lifted her head to look at you. She didn’t say anything, so you took that as your cue to continue. 

“I saw what it did to him. He blamed himself for it, even though it was an accident.” You looked down at your hands, though your vision was blurred from the sudden wave of tears that surfaced in your eyes. Memories of that time were difficult to relive. “It really sent him on a downward spiral. He let it destroy his life. So, I say all that to say, I will not blame you if something should happen to Bob. I would never make you bear that burden. Not after seeing what that kind of guilt does to a person.”

Natasha nodded thoughtfully, letting your words sink in before she finally spoke again. “I’m sorry for dumping this on you. I don’t know why this has me so emotional.”

“You just went through a traumatic experience. It’s normal to be emotional, honey. I’d be concerned if you weren’t.”

“It’s just…I really care about Bob. So by default, I care about you, and your kids, even though I just met you. I just want to make sure I’m doing everything I actively can to bring him home to you.”

You reached out, placing your hand over her own. “Make sure you’re looking out for yourself, too. I want you both to come home safely. Bobby would be devastated if anything happened to you. And so would I, because his hurts are my hurts.”

She managed a smile, despite herself. “I’ll do my best,” she assured you.

“That’s all I could ever ask from you.” After a moment, you rose to your feet, giving Natasha a kind smile. “I’m going to head down to the cafeteria to get some food for my babes. Wanna come with me?”

She considered it before she stood. “I’d like that.”

Together, you headed to the elevator, bound for the cafeteria. 

Natasha finally felt some peace wash over her after your conversation. She had been so deep into her head, expecting you to point your finger at her and berate her for putting Bob in danger. But you’d done nothing of the sort. You’d been warm and understanding. There hadn’t been a judgmental bone in your body. Although she was still struggling with what had happen, and she would always feel that heavy weight of responsibility for Bob, the sting was eased a little by your reassurance. 

And she decided that instead of avoiding you like she initially had attempted, she was going to follow you back to that hospital room, and she was going to meet your sweet children, and get to know the people that Bob loved so deeply. She needed that wholesomeness after the events of the day. She hadn’t allowed herself to fully process it, as it was. She’d been too concerned about her backseater to focus on herself. 

For now, however, she would find joy in the fact that she and Bob were okay.

So, she followed you down to the cafeteria, and she helped gather some things as you described what each of your children liked. Soon, with an armful of food and ginger ale, you both headed back upstairs.

When you made it back to the room, Bob looked up to see you walk through the door together, and he caught your gaze, offering a relieved smile at the sight of Natasha by your side. You must’ve gotten through to her, he thought.

“There you are, Momma!” Henry exclaimed. “You were taking forever!”

You smiled as you set everything down on the table. “I had to stop and talk to a friend, first,” you replied, leaning down to kiss him on the top of the head. Only Bob and Natasha caught what you truly meant.

“Hope you and this friend worked everything out,” Bob mused, glancing between you both.

Natasha smiled then, nodding her head as she glanced at you. “Yeah. Yeah, we did.”

Bob felt himself relax at her admission. The tenseness she held in her shoulders had lessened, and there was a genuine smile on her face. Whatever you’d said to her had made a world of difference. He made a mental note to thank you later for taking the time to reach out to Natasha.

That evening, you all enjoyed a peaceful time in that hospital room. Natasha listened to the story of how you and Bob met, she got to know your children and their vastly different personalities, and she learned that you were expecting another baby girl, and that you hadn’t chosen a name yet.

Spending time with your little family was like a breath of fresh air, and by the time you left that night, Natasha felt a warmth in her chest. She could see how important you and your little ones were to Bob. You were his entire world, and he clearly cherished every moment he had with you. It reminded her that she needed to live in the present, and not spend so much time terrified over what the future might bring. 

She watched you bid him goodnight before you left, and it brought a smile to her face.

You’d just gathered the kids up, after they’d given their father multiple hugs and kisses and begged him to read them a bedtime story. He made one up on the spot, about a brave fighter pilot and her WSO.

Then, he looked at you, blue eyes full of wonder, as if you’d set the very stars in the sky. He reached out for your hand, pulling you in to kiss you sweetly. His warm hand stroked over your cheek, and he let his forehead rest against your own. “I love you, sweetheart,” he earnestly said. 

“Love you too, Bobby. Sleep well.”

As you ushered Henry and Juliet out the door, you turned to Natasha. “Goodnight. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will,” she assured you.

Satisfied with her answer, you finally left, and quietness filled the room again. Natasha let out a soft sigh, leaning back in her bed. She glanced over at Bob, and said, “your wife is something else.”

“Isn’t she?” He happily agreed.

Then, she fell serious, her brow furrowing. “I’m sorry for how I was acting earlier. I was just really in my head and this stupid fucking bird ordeal threw me for a loop. Which feels really stupid, because it could have been so much worse. But it just really messed up my head, for some reason.”

“Hey, it’s okay, ‘Nix. I get it. You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“I’ve got your back, Bob. I want you to know that. No matter what happens in the sky, or on this mission, I’ve got you.”

He nodded. “I know you do.” There was no doubt in his mind. 

All too soon, the events of the bird strike faded into the background, and it was back to business as usual once they were cleared to return to work. The pressure was on, and both Natasha and Bob threw themselves into doing the best that they could, preparing for what would likely be one of the most difficult missions of their lives. 

Bob had a lot on his mind, which was clear to you when he came home to you each night. He was a numbers guy; he’d calculated the odds of this mission in his head, and he had a feeling that someone wasn’t making it back alive. Of course, he didn’t tell you this, but you already knew. 

In the days leading up to that mission, you were a pillar of strength for Bob. He leaned on you for support, and you gave it all to him. He cherished every moment with you, no matter how scarce they were. And the night before he was to ship out, as you lay together in bed, wrapped in each other’s arms, he whispered a promise against your skin.

“I’ll fight to make it back to you.”

“I know you will.”

The goodbye that followed was tearful. But they always were. Whenever he left, you always cried. And so did your babies. Especially Henry, who was beginning to finally grasp the idea that his father was going to be gone for a period of time.

Bob held you close, trying his best to keep his own tears at bay, only because he knew that if he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop. “I love you, darlin’. Always have, always will.”

“I love you too, Bobby. You come back to me, you hear? Come back to your babies.”

He nodded before he leaned in, hands coming up to delicately hold your face as he kissed you deeply, fervently. When he broke away, he bent to leave a kiss against your pregnant belly, before he squeezed your hands and knelt to bid goodbye to Henry and Juliet. 

“I love you, buddy,” he told Henry, kissing the boy’s forehead. “You take care of your momma and sister, okay?”

“I’ll miss you, Daddy,” the boy tearfully confessed. 

It broke Bob’s heart right in two. “I’ll miss you too.”

Then, he moved to craddle little Juliet in his arms. She began to cry as well, because she saw the tears her brother was shedding. It took everything in Bob to force himself to stand. He knew if he remained here, he’d never get on that aircraft carrier. 

“Love you,” he said again, kissing you on the temple before he slipped away like a whisper in the wind. 

You watched him walk away, but when you caught sight of Natasha nearby, you were quick to call out to her. She turned, surprised to find you approaching, your children in tow. When you finally reached her, you touched her hand. 

“I just wanted to tell you to be careful. Bring both of you back home safely.”

She paused, smiling sadly before she nodded. “I’ll do my best,” she whispered. 

“That’s all I ask,” you replied, repeating your words from that day at the hospital.

She allowed you to hug her before she finally set off toward the carrier. You stood there with your children and watched until your husband, and his front seater, were out of sight. Then, you turned around, heading back to your car, silently praying that the love of your life would return home safely. 

You knew he was in good hands. Natasha would look out for him. And he, her. 

The next several days were agonizing. Bob was radio silent, and your anxiety was through the roof. You did what you could to stay busy, and to keep the kids occupied. You tried your best not to let your worry rub off on them, but inevitably, it still did. 

They felt the absence of their father, and they were both restless and more fussy than usual. But the three of you weathered through it, and eventually, there was light at the end of the tunnel. 

When they were close enough to shore, Bob was able to call you. When you saw his contact light up your phone, you lept up from your chair to grab it, interrupting your quiet dinner with the children to receive the call.

“Bobby?!” You exclaimed as soon as you pressed the phone to your ear. 

“Hey there, sweetheart,” he greeted. You could hear the smile in his voice.

“Oh, thank God. I’ve missed you so much.” 

“I missed you too. I’m just calling to let you know I’m coming home.”

Your eyes blurred with tears of happiness, and you couldn’t hide the overjoyed smile that spread across your face. “Let me put you on speaker so the babies can hear.”

You hit the speaker option and brought the phone over to the table. “Say hi to Daddy!” You exclaimed. Henry’s little face lit up, and he jumped up from his seat, rushing to stand beside you and put his face by the phone. 

“Hi Daddy!” He all but shouted into the receiver. 

“Hey, buddy. I missed you!”

Juliet giggled at the sound of her father’s voice through the phone. It was a sweet moment to witness the excitement of your children. Bob continued on to assure them that he would be home very soon, and that he couldn’t wait to hold them in his arms and tell them bedtime stories. 

Finally, you stepped away to finish the call privately. You found yourself in the hallway, listening to Bob speak. “I can’t talk for much longer, but I just want you to know that everybody’s okay. We all made it back in one piece.”

“That’s really, really good to hear,” you whispered in reply, relief evident in your voice. 

He took in a breath before he continued. “I…I’ve gotta go, darlin’. But I’ll see you real soon, alright? I love you more than anything.”

“And I love you, Bobby.”

The line beeped, signaling that the call had ended, and you pulled your phone away from your ear, breathing out a sigh of utter relief. Your Bobby was coming home.

Sure enough, not long after that you were standing amidst a sea of people, eagerly awaiting your husband’s arrival. You were bouncing with happiness, unable to wipe your smile off your face. Around you, other sailors were reuniting with their loved ones, but you hardly cared about that. You just needed to find Bob. 

It took a few moments, but finally, there he was. He looked a little worse for wear, but he was handsome as ever, and when his eyes landed on you, his face lit up into the most beautiful smile you’d ever seen. He took off at a jog, wanting to reach you as quickly as possible. 

Once he did, his arms were around you, and you laughed with joy as he rocked you back and forth. “Oh, I missed you,” he gasped as he pulled back to kiss you. His eyes were shining with tears. 

Abruptly, he dipped down, opening his arms to welcome his babies into a bear hug. He held them close to his chest, kissing the tops of their heads and whispering how much he’d missed them. You couldn’t stop your tears if you tried. 

But while he was talking to Henry and Juliet, you spotted Natasha not too far away. Though you didn’t want to leave your family, you also knew you needed to speak with her. So you began to wave, calling her name.

She heard you over the hum of the crowd, and when she saw you, her face broke into a smile. She wasted no time in weaving through those around her, reaching you quickly. 

“Welcome back!” You exclaimed. You reached out, pulling her into a hug, which she gratefully accepted. 

While you stood there, arms around one another, she leaned close to your ear, and whispered, “I brought him back to you.”

You pulled back to look her fully in the face. “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart,” you told her, your voice raw. 

She nodded, too overwhelmed to say anything more. But she didn’t have to. The silence spoke volumes.

“Would…would you like to join us for dinner tonight?”

She wiped at her eyes and shook her head. “I wouldn’t wan to impose on your family time.”

“You wouldn’t be imposing. Please, come have a home-cooked meal. The kids would love to have you, and so would Bob.”

She relented, her shoulders dropping in surrender. “Okay. I’d like that.”

You looped your arm through hers. “Let’s go then, yeah?”

She smiled. “Yeah.”

And so, off you went, back toward your little family, with Natasha in tow. When Bob learned she was joining you for dinner, he beamed. And as she followed you out to the parking area, she couldn’t help the warm feeling that bloomed within her chest. 

Bob, the unassuming WSO, had managed to change her life in just the short time she’d known him. He’d introduced her to his wife and children, who’d welcomed her with open arms, even after she’d been terrified you wouldn’t. 

The kindness you’d shown to her had made a world of difference in her life. In the end, she was grateful you’d insisted upon talking to her in the hospital that day. It had helped change her perspective, and now that she’d brought your husband home safely, she could look you in the eyes with confidence, knowing she’d done all she could, and succeeded. Just like you’d believed she would.

After all that she’d endured in the last few weeks, she realized that she’d found a family along the way, and that made it all worth it in the end.

-

taglist:

@halfway-happyyy @natasharomanoffisbaebby @oliviabelova @robertbobfloydlover @supernaturaldawning @marrianena @mys2425 @n3ssm0nique @ice-mans-world @lovemesomevesey @straightforwardly @mochi-de-bisou @christinafaucher @emmmaturtle @fantasias-creativebubble @worldmadeofmemories @tarohemianrocketmanapsody @m0chac0ffee @not-leaprvt @i-simp-much @soaharleys @colorfultyrantearthquake @obxsuperfan07 @juniebugg @marchingicenotes7 @airedale17 @jamiedontbeacracko @monosjoons @dilfsandtherapy @getmyprettynameoutofyourmouth @unluckymonaghan @utterly-in-like @chxosunbound @thesewordsareallihavetogive @unordinare @currentlybradshaw @elevens-strangerthing @the-hottest-lieutenants @glodessa @peachiestkeen @alexxavicry @cherrycola27

[imakemywings]

I am on the feanorians side of the silmaril debate and do see Dior and elwing as thieves. And I hope you dont see this as an attack i just want to explain my reasoning for the way i see it. But to me at least the stealing of the ships is an entirely seperate thing that happened, I know it happened because the silmarils got stolen in the first place. But it has nothing to do with the Dior and elwing part of the silmaril story. And thats why I dont bring up the stealing of the ships when talking about this

And I feel like Dior and elwing are thieves because they have the feanorians most treasured family heirloom and are refusing to give it back to them. And I think calling them thieves isnt exactly right because they didnt steal it from the feanorians and luthien and beren didnt either but it is wrong of them to not give it back. And the feanorians did first write letters asking to be given the silmaril back. The feanorians were wrong in kinslaying to try and get it back, but I do understand how they got to the conclusion to do so. They swore an oath to get it back and if they dont they will be in purgatory forever, so they really do have this need of getting it back even without considering the fact that its rightfully theirs to begin with.

As for for Dior and elwings part in this, I have more understanding for Dior than elwing. Dior is a new king and not well known to his people. And the silmaril to him represent a great deed done by his parents and their love for each other and I wouldnt be suprised if the silmaril was starting to become as important to Dior and his people as it was to the feanorians. So him not giving it away makes sense it has personal importance to him and giving it away could mark him as a weak king which is not something he needs. And it is also the fact that we dont know how much he knows about the feanorians oath and what it means he may know nothing at all about it.

Elwing on the other hand is completely different, I do not understand why she does the things she does at all. I will just be discussing the lead up to the kinslaying and not what happens during it, because I have read posts saying that her mental health may have crumbled during it and I do concede they have a point. But that doesnt explain any of the lead up to it. The feanorians ask for the silmaril and she tells them no and its like doesnt she realize that just like last time this can lead to a kinslaying, like does the thought even enter her mind and I dont understand how she could not see it as the likely outcome bu then she doesnt prepare for the eventuality at all. Its so puzzling to me, shes the leader and responible for the safety of everyone there but she doesnt seem to care about it. She doesnt even send her sons to cirdan were they would be safe from the feanorians. For elwing this has all happened before and she does nothing to change what will happen and it doesnt make sense.

So yea im on the feanorians side in this because the silmaril is rightfully theirs and while they did bad bad things to get them back i understand where they are coming from. Something i dont understand with elwing.

Hey anon, I definitely don't see this as an attack; I do appreciate your reasonable tone here.

If you're interested in other more detailed explorations of Elwing and her motivations, definitely check out my Elwing meta tag, because others on on tumblr have done some great work there.

The point I think the other anon was making about the swan ships is that fans can be very quick to condemn Luthien and her descendants as "thieves" of the Silmarils, but say nothing about the Feanorians' theft of the swan ships. No, the events aren't related, but one is a much clearer-cut case of theft than the other, yet it's the one that's swept under the rug to attack those who stand in opposition to the sons of Feanor (SoF). But you're right, it's not relevant to discussing Dior and Elwing in relation to the SoF.

Luthien and Beren, at great personal risk, obtained a Silmaril from Morgoth. I think it's relevant to note that at this point, the SoF appeared to have no problem with Luthien having possession of the Silmaril. In fact, Maedhros takes heart from their success and by it is inspired to begin his efforts which culminate in the Nirnaeth Arnoediad.

First, let's recall Luthien's history with the Feanorians at the point that she and Beren depart Doriath after Beren is restored to life:

Luthien is aware of the Kinslaying at Alqualonde and the theft of the swan ships, actions of shocking violence by Elves against Elves, and the Noldor's part in trying to conceal it from her parents.

Celegorm and Curufin feign friendship with her when she encounters them on her quest to rescue Beren, only to then trap her in Nargothrond. Celegorm plans to wed her against her will, which strongly implies he also means to rape her, in order to force Thingol to open the Girdle to the Feanorians.

Celegorm and Curufin overthrew Finrod's chosen successor, Orodreth, and the Arafinweans had been friends of Doriath. She may or may not be aware that Celegorm used the oath to threaten the residents of Nargothrond, implicitly threatening violence against them.

After Luthien has escaped and rescued Beren from Sauron, she encounters Celegorm and Curufin again. Curufin attempts to kidnap her, and Celegorm then attempts to kill Beren when he leaps to her defense.

Celegorm openly makes threats against Thingol and Doriath.

So at this point, you can perhaps see why Luthien does not feel a lot of need to play nice with the SoF. From her perspective, they're pretty scummy people who are more than willing to commit violent acts against other Elves. At no point does Maedhros reprimand or punish Celegorm or Curufin for their actions, which as the leader of the Feanorians, suggests he doesn't think what they did was wrong. Why should she cooperate with them? They didn't risk their lives to obtain one of their Silmarils. If the Silmarils were as important to them as they claim, why haven't they tried harder? She and Beren, with far fewer resources, managed to do it.

Additionally, the Feanorians do not make any effort to reclaim the Silmaril from Luthien during her life. Possibly because she took down Morgoth (briefly).

"For while Luthien wore the Necklace of the Dwarves no Elf would dare to assail her..." (Of the Ruin of Doriath)

So she dies and the Silmaril goes to Dior, her son.

To Dior, the Feanorians are the unquestioned villains of his parents' story. These are people who openly threatened his grandfather's kingdom, who tried to force his mother into marriage and imprisoned her, who tried to kill his father. Sure, you can argue that they have an ancestral claim on the Silmaril--but cannot Dior also make that argument at this point? And what motivation does he have to cooperate with them? They do nothing to win his friendship, as they have done nothing to win the friendship of Doriath throughout their time in Beleriand. If Maedhros is such a formidable diplomat, why can he not come to terms with Dior?

"They [the Feanorians] came at unawares in the middle of winter, and fought with Dior in the Thousand Caves..." (Of the Ruin of Doriath, emphasis added)

Furthermore, to your point, Dior is a young king--and a mortal among Elves. Doriath is also recovering from the war with Nogrod; they are already in a vulnerable position, and with Melian gone, the Girdle is down, so they are far more exposed than they are accustomed to being and having to adjust to that.

So Dior does not relinquish the Silmaril, and rather than pursue the two held by Morgoth, the Feanorians assault Doriath, kill many Elves, throw at least two children out into the woods to die of exposure, and still fail to capture the Silmaril.

So Dior dies and the Silmaril goes to Elwing, his daughter.

Consider what the Feanorians represent to Elwing at this point.

These are Elves who have shown themselves to be unrepentant killers. We as the fans love to focus on the tormented regret of the Feanorians, but to their victims, they are simply killers. They committed slaughter in the Blessed Realm, for which they were exiled by the Valar, and for which they have expressed such regrets--except that they've gone and done the same thing here in Beleriand. They have threatened forced marriage, they have killed children, they have driven the Iathrim from their home and made them refugees. To Elwing personally, they are the murderers of her parents and the ones who dragged her brothers into the woods as children and left them to die.

What, precisely, might motivate Elwing to cooperate with them? So the Silmaril "belongs" to them--so what? They have tormented Luthien's line for generations now--the Feanorians ARE the Morgoth of Elwing's story. And she should give into them why? The Ring belongs to Sauron--should Frodo hand it over because it's his property?

Maedhros, who has apparently lost all diplomatic veneer, does nothing to show good faith or a desire to cooperate with Elwing. Instead, he writes with his demands, as he did with Dior.

The one thing--the ONE thing--that might make Elwing cooperate is, to me, solely to avoid another slaughter as happened in Doriath, as you mentioned. So in this vein, why doesn't Elwing surrender the Silmaril just to avoid trouble, even if she hates and distrusts the Feanorians? There are two things which are absolutely key to understanding this decision.

1.Elwing does not make the decision alone. Critics of Elwing often act as though she made a unilateral decision to withhold the Silmaril from the Feanorians--which is not the case. In fact, Tolkien writes that "Elwing and the people of Sirion" refused to yield the jewel under threat.

This is not an unusual response. Most people do not respond well to being threatened, and may refuse out of spite. Furthermore, these are people who were made refugees by the same people now making demands of them.

But more importantly, Elwing did not alone choose to keep the Silmaril. She and whatever Sirionites aided her in governing decided together that they would not give in to the Feanorians.

2. The second is that the Sirionites believed the Silmaril was protecting Earendil and the Havens. Remember that at this time, Earendil is seeking for Aman, to obtain the help of the Valar in defeating Morgoth. So not only is he the lord of the Havens at Sirion, but he is on a quest which is, to them, of critical importance. They need him to stay safe so that he can complete his mission and hopefully win Beleriand's rescue.

And to your point about Dior above--this Silmaril is effectively a family heirloom to Elwing as well.

The Sirionites are particularly loath to part with the Silmaril while Earendil is at sea--which makes sense, as he is a ruling lord of this city, and they believe his protection is somewhat dependent on their possession of the Silmaril.

But the Feanorians don't wait for Earendil to return to negotiate--they lay siege to the Havens at Sirion while Earendil is still away ("For the sons of Feanor that yet lived came down suddenly upon the exiles of Gondolin, and the remnant of Doriath" Of the Voyage of Earendil and the War of Wrath, emphasis added) and render the Iathrim virtually extinct as a people. Once again, they come down "suddenly" on another group of Elves and destroy them.

What the Feanorians do in the Havens at Sirion is so awful ("the cruelest of the slayings of Elf by Elf") that their own troops stand aside or even turn against them during the fight in an effort to defend the Sirionites; the Feanorians kill them too.

This, to me, tells us how far the Feanorians are from attempting any real diplomatic work here. They are not even considering the Silmarils that Morgoth still has; they have utterly failed to reach Elwing in a diplomatic or cooperative manner; they refuse to even wait until Earendil has returned so that he and Elwing can make a decision together, as joint rulers of this city.

Why doesn't Elwing fortify the Havens? We have no evidence that she doesn't. Only that it wasn't enough to stop the Feanorians. Why doesn't she send Elrond and Elros away? That poses its own risks--and she may believe they are safest there, as the Sirionites believe the Silmaril is protecting the Havens. It may be incorrect, but it is something they believe and they operate under that belief.

But even if you think she didn't do things she should have--does that justify the actions of the Feanorians? It's fine for them to murder because their victims didn't do enough to prevent them from murdering? You took our object so we can kill you for it now?

Putting all that aside for now, I want to jump over to the oath, because you mentioned something interesting about it:

They swore an oath to get it back and if they dont they will be in purgatory forever

Purgatory and hell do not exist in Ea. What exactly the Feanorians think their "punishment" for breaking the oath will be is unclear, whether it's just death without the chance for rebirth (as is the case with Feanor, and seems to be the most extreme punishment the Valar can or will enact), or something more. Clearly they put a lot of stock in it--but they also are not totally beyond the notion of breaking it. Maglor himself suggests after the Third Kinslaying that they should abandon the quest and plead their repentance to the Valar, but Maedhros refuses.

Maedhros seems to still believe they may suffer some punishment for breaking it--that Eru might actually hold them to the oath they swore. But Maglor counters with the notion the oath can be voided:

"Yet Maglor held back, saying: 'If Manwe and Varda themselves deny the fulfillment of an oath to which we named them in witness, is it not made void?'" (Of the Voyage of Earendil)

And of course, why would Manwe and Varda hold them to an oath which has caused so much strife, and which promises to cause more? Why should they desire the Feanorians to be held to an oath which causes them to murder and destroy other Elves? Maedhros refuses, still believing, or at least asserting, that some punishment by Eru awaits if they break the oath. Maglor somewhat grimly points out that given what they've done, punishment is their due one way or other other:

"'If none can release us,' said Maglor, 'then indeed the Everlasting Darkness shall be our lot, whether we keep the oath or break it; but less evil shall we do in the breaking.'" (Of the Voyage of Earendil)

Maglor acknowledges that they have done evil in pursuit of the oath and that they will continue to do evil if they do not choose to set it aside. Furthermore, that if they cannot be excused from the oath, they're likely to experience punishment either for breaking it or for the things they do in pursuit of it, so it's all the same in the end anyway. Yet Maedhros and Maglor instead make a free and conscious decision to continue their pursuit of the Silmarils.

They are a) well aware that they have done horrible, awful things trying to fulfill this oath; and b) aware that breaking it is an option. They choose not to. They have chosen not to this entire story.

And truthfully, even if they would be condemned to purgatory or whatever, it doesn't justify what they do. They chose to swear this oath, they have chosen to pursue it, and if they are willing to slaughter whomever they need to to protect themselves from the consequences of their own oaths, that still makes them selfish, wretched people who are willing to sacrifice anyone else to make sure they themselves stay safe.

Even if they were able to obtain the one Silmaril from Elwing, the oath is not fulfilled. Morgoth still has two. Everything they did to Doriath and the Havens at Sirion is worthless without the other two Silmarils, but they did it anyway; and even after the chaos wrought by their actions there, go ahead and slay Eonwe's guard after the War of Wrath to steal the Silmarils everyone else had rescued from Morgoth.

The Feanorians have done so much wrong that the Silmarils themselves reject them by the end. I don't know how else the narrative could make it clearer they are in the wrong. Tolkien implies that the oath was wicked from the very start, and always bound to lead the Feanorians into wrongful acts.

Lastly, I will point over at this meta I wrote a few months back about how if the Feanorians had obtained the Silmaril from Elwing, it would likely have doomed Middle-earth to Morgoth's rule.

In any case, I don't think anyone who escalates a situation to murder is ever in the right, and certainly not over something like property rights. If you can sympathize with the Feanorians about their perspective, you should be able to consider what the Feanorians are to the perspective of Luthien's line--and why they are not keen to work together with the Feanorians or give them what they want.

Not sure if you found any of this convincing, but I hope it's something to consider at least!

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

Ari AU - Part Two

This is Part Two of my popstar Grian AU! Part One is is here! Part Three is here! Part Four is here! Part Five is here!

CONTENT WARNINGS for this Part: discussions of past attempted SA, physical assault, hospitals, briefly mentioned drug abuse, suicidal ideation, mental health crisis.

please consider reblogging if you liked this and want others to see it :D feel free to send me asks, comments, etc. about the au!

Martyn’s Radio Show

The response from Grian’s fans is overwhelmingly positive. While some are disappointed that the last shows were cancelled, most are just happy to see Grian okay and alive, even if she looks worse for wear. Online, the fanbase supports Grian’s claims. Online, they feel empowered to share their own experiences. Online, they believe her.

The tabloids continue with the addict line. They claim Grian is unstable and manic. They claim he’s lying about the night out. Pearl suggests Grian go on the radio. Talk more about her experiences, because it really is helping people, and if she makes a professional, live appearance on air, the accusations of her being on drugs will seem less credible.

Grian agrees, so Mumbo and Pearl get him booked in with Martyn, of Faction Isles Radio [a pirates smp reference? In my angst fic?] for a live interview and casual discussion about Grian’s life and career. 

For someone used to live performances, Grian is absolutely terrified. What if he says the wrong thing? What if she messes up her story and people think it’s fake? What if this Martyn guy is mean, or unfair, or things are awkward?

This is where Impulse steps in. He offers Grian a spot on his hobby podcast with his friend, Skizz. A pre-recorded semi-interview with people Grian is more comfortable with, in preparation for the “real thing”. Grian accepts, and they record the episode together. She tries not to freak out every time she stumbles over her words and Impulse says they can cut it. 

(Eventually she snaps that they can’t cut anything when it’s live, so why are they acting like her mistakes are okay? Impulse takes it graciously, helping her calm down. Skizz offers a few words of advice that Grian doesn’t even remember. Something about going for it, even if she’s scared? After the pep talk, she does feel better. More confident...)

Then suddenly, it is time for the “real thing”. To his credit, Martyn is lovely. A natural on-air, well-researched about Grian’s career, asking all the right questions and never seeming judgemental. Grian recounts her rise to fame, her love of music, and then, finally, the tour.

They get to a rather emotional point and Grian thinks he might be about to cry. How embarrassing would that be? But Martyn seems to understand, and there's a break for one of Grian’s songs. Turning off his mic to let the music play, Martyn looks over to Grian with a laid-back but kind smile, and asks if she's okay. 

Grian is not okay, but if she admits that, they’ll never get through the interview, so she lies. Martyn gives him a look like he knows he’s lying, but it isn’t judgemental.

The show is a success. Grian feels a little lighter. 

Downtime

The radio show does not help with the tabloid problem. As the media does, they try to get more out of Grian’s story, spinning it into either support or negativity. Theorising that she lied about why she was in the hospital- wild stories ranging from drug use to secret pregnancy (she is not about to explain why that's impossible). 

With news trucks and paparazzi hanging around outside her house, she has to keep the curtains closed constantly. Every time she steps outside she's hounded again. On the one hand it's good that he's being kept in the public eye, but he wants his privacy more than anything in the world. 

So, Scar offers to open his house to her. Grian accepts, moving in with him in secret. They manage a few blissful weeks with each other before the press finds them again. It’s awful. They're still trying to explore their relationship and what it means, trying to figure it all out. Grian's still trying to come to terms with what happened to him and how Scar saved him. 

The flashing of cameras is starting to give Grian anxiety. More than usual. She has half a mind to make another statement, but knows that'll only make things worse. In the meantime, Grian officially moves in with Scar.

Even Grian’s self-expression is criticised to no end. Suddenly the press is snapping pictures of her, in Scar's home, in jeans and sweaters and no makeup. She cuts her hair short because it’s starting to make her itch with discomfort, and boy does that cause an outcry about her 'mental breakdown'. Grian never had many issues with dysphoria or dysmorphia before, but once the papers picking apart her image start flooding in, looking in the mirror makes her a little nauseous.

Of course, the real fans still support her. She has a good, loyal fanbase who do care about her wellbeing and understand why she's hiding away. But the tabloids can build a story out of anything. Kind stories just don’t sell.

Album Two: ‘Land of the Viscera’

Things calm down a little bit, enough for Grian to master a new album. This time it comes from a place of anger and frustration, at the media and the stalkers and herself. She spends a lot of time working on the tone of the album, not wanting to fully alienate her fans but not wanting to stick with the preppy pop of her biggest successes. 

In the end she goes for a mixture of femininity and something grungier, less pretty, less polished, a little more unhinged and rock-inspired. Think female punk bands, mixed with the warbling parasitic sound of bjork. The album is titled Land of the Viscera and follows the story of a character named Mother Spore as she explores a wonderland of twisted nature and decaying landscapes.

The aesthetic goes hard, basically. It feels blurry in terms of genre and more obviously queer, the Mother Spore metaphor openly criticising the tabloid news cycle and addressing the struggles Grian has faced in hand with fame. Still, her music holds a range of appeal, keeping within a pop-type structure while shifting into gothic, punk and rock. 

The music videos are dark and edgy, full of rot, blood, and decay. They reference the stalking and attempted assault. Grian keeps her feminine costumes, trading the sleek red dresses for dark grey layered gowns. More severe makeup remains stylish, but drifts further away from Grian’s real preferences, as if he’s trying to separate himself from his persona. 

The fans call it an ‘era’, immediately scrambling to figure out the “lore” hidden within the videos and lyrics. While critics suggest Grian will lose some of her audience by adopting a harsher sound, the album is regarded as an overall success.

Taking One For The Team

It takes a while for Grian to feel comfortable going ‘out’ into the world again. After the release of the album, the paparazzi take a moment to calm down, and public appearances seem less scary than before. 

That is, until he starts making public appearances again, and remembers why he tried to go into hiding. Grian starts flipping off cameras or walking straight through the reporters, whenever she goes anywhere. Scar, ever one to do his job, isn’t sure he likes the attention, especially as the tabloids start to shift their reporting back to him. At least it fits Grian’s new image to be snarky and mean towards the cameras, bringing some of her private defence mechanisms from the tour back into the foreground.

New threats start coming in. It was fine, before, when the fans were satiated by the tour and Grian’s relationship with Scar seemed like a crazy fling. Now, with no new tour announced (thank god), the papers focusing more on Scar, and their relationship going public, things look more serious. This upsets all the people who think they are entitled to Grian’s life.

Once online threats start coming in, Scar gets jumpy and nervous. He asks Grian if they can stay at home, get their groceries delivered, etc. Grian appreciates Scars worries, and doesn't mind taking a few lazy days, so she agrees. At least they get to cuddle some more. But they both feel cooped-in. Trapped, within Scar’s house, constantly on the look-out for hidden reporters.

Grian decides she can’t live her life on hold forever. As much as it scares her, she loves performing and she wants to reignite that passion somehow. She agrees to attend a small local gig, an exclusive thing which doesn’t get announced on social media. It’s meant to be her stepping stone back into the world of performing. It’s meant to promote the new album, really. That’s all.

Scar stands backstage, watching from the wings and doing his job keeping Grian safe. Also admiring her with heart-eyes. There are other bouncers in the crowd, but Scar is the closest to Grian, confident in his ability to protect her.

In the middle of the set- and it all seems to happen quite suddenly- Scar feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see two young men and a young woman, all dressed in black. He’s about to ask them how they got backstage when one of the men punches him in the face, sending him to the ground.

Now, Scar is a strong guy, and the stranger seems kinda shocked at himself for throwing the punch at all, so Scar has enough time to recover and stand. Instantly, his heart is racing. Adrenaline rushes through him. One thought comes to mind: he has to protect Grian.

Scar assesses the situation. The attackers have no visible weapons. Good. As the second man goes to swing a punch, Scar grabs his wrist. He's much stronger, clearly. Twists the man’s arm around and pushes the guy back until he's tumbling onto the floor. 

The girl goes to scratch him, but Scar dodges at the last second. He can hear another security guard, somewhere nearby. If he screams, Grian will hear. She'll stop the set and come to find him. She will be closer to the danger. She could get hurt.

Scar holds his tongue. The first guy tries to come in again, and again Scar blocks the attack, but he doesn't see the second man getting back up. He’s one against three. It’s a miracle he made it as long as he did.

He's on the floor before the pain of the hit even registers. This time, they're quicker than him. He receives a kick to the chest. Something snaps. For a stunned second, the attackers pause. The breaths catch in his throat painfully.

He thinks they might kill him. It's a horrible thought, but it's not an unrealistic one. The three assailants all land hits and kicks, never giving Scar enough time to stand.

They finish their assault as suddenly as they attacked. With horror, Scar thinks they're going to go onstage. They're going to hurt Grian. But, no. They turn back the way they came. One of them says something. About stealing, or deserving, or... 

Scars ears are ringing. 

As they walk away, he blacks out.

Hospital Visit Two

Grian is the one who finds Scar, coming backstage during a break. Her scream is enough to alert the crew. Obviously, the show is cancelled. An ambulance is called for Scar and a search takes place for the attackers, but no one can find anyone suspicious. Later, more anonymous posts on social media brag vaguely about how they showed that bodyguard that he doesn't deserve Ari. 

When Scar wakes up in hospital, Grian is right there waiting, looking like a mess. The rest of the tour crew are there too, glad to see Scar awake. Grian's hair has been cut even shorter, in messy, jagged clumps. Scar briefly wonders if he did that in the hospital bathroom. 

He asks if Grian is okay, to which Grian breaks down crying. She practically screams at Scar that he should be worried about himself. He broke a rib and has a head injury, for goodness’ sake! Scar says that’s not his job. Grian freezes up. She tells him quietly that his safety should always come before Grian's own. Scar repeats that his job is to keep Grian safe, no matter what. 

Grian realises that Scar would do anything for her, and that's terrifying. He could have died, today, and he didn't call for help. Grian knows she would have heard him if he had called for help. So she asks Scar why. Scar tells the truth: he wanted to make sure Grian wouldn't come running towards the danger, because that's his job. 

He’s so sure of himself, it’s agonising. Grian knows that Scar's contract isn't the only reason he's so willing to get hurt defending her. Still, she fires him. Right there, on the spot. 

The hospital makes Grian feel anxious. The lights flicker, almost like the flashing of cameras. She cut her hair with tiny scissors in the hospital bathroom, to keep herself grounded, and to keep herself from doing anything stupid. She thinks about how she brings pain to everyone around her- how she took Scar away from a normal life.

They are only in the hospital for a few more days. Scar and Grian go home together, and make no announcements to the press. Grian gets Mumbo to call Scar’s boss and make sure he’s fired. Not out of malice- they talk about it, of course, and she has enough money for both of them- but because she isn’t sure if she can handle Scar taking on any more dangerous jobs.

A Break, A Breakdown 

After Scar is out of the hospital, Grian decides to take another indefinite break, pulling back into isolation, even becoming more distant from Scar. Scar obviously knows something is wrong, but chalks it up to Grian being upset with him about his own recklessness. A rift grows between them, despite living together.

Moving house to escape reporters and cameras doesn’t help much with the growing tension, either. Not for the first time, Scar realises just how complicated his life has become.

Grian becomes increasingly closed-off, no matter what Scar says or does. Jokes don't land. Conversation runs dry. She just doesn’t seem happy. Scar starts to grow irritable, too, not enjoying being stuck indoors and left with frequent nightmares surrounding Grian and their various attackers. It all seems rather bleak.

Until, one day, Grian is happy. Carefree. Better. Scar isn’t an idiot. He knows what's happening. He doesn't want to believe it, but he's heard enough stories from friends and family to know what's about to happen. For lack of better words, Grian has been depressed, now suddenly she’s joyful again? Yeah, no, Scar doesn’t buy it.

He calls the crew. It's an emergency. Grian isn't well. As the day goes on, Scar doesn't let Grian out of his sight. Once she starts an argument about needing to use the bathroom in peace, Scar tells her what he thinks is going on. He has reason to believe she's actively suicidal. 

A shocked silence. From the look on Grian’s face, Scar knows he was right. Grian mumbles something about it not being Scar's job to protect her anymore. Scar tells her it is. It's his job as a partner to make sure Grian stays alive. He doesn't expect Grian to break down crying in front of him, but that's been happening a lot lately. Or, Scar has heard it a lot, through closed doors. 

This time Scar is able to offer comfort, to hold her somewhat awkwardly in his arms and whisper that it'll be okay. Even to Scar, it sounds like a lie. He was never really good at emotional things, always more helpful with the physical- sharing honey tea for a sore throat, or putting himself between Grian and the cameras. 

The thing about Grian, is that once he starts speaking, it’s hard to get him to stop. As soon as Scar opens the door, she’s off on a rant. Of course, he listens, but it hurts to hear. Grian’s so sick of it all. His body, his art, his relationships, his life. They’re all objects in the eyes of the press and the fans.  She’s not even safe to just be with Scar- her existence puts them both in so much danger. And she's not perfect anymore. She's corrupted and wrong and they can smell it on her like bloodhounds. Every imperfection is amplified or ignored in favour of viewing her as this untouchable idol that Scar is selfishly taking for himself. Grian just wants it to stop.

[graciehart]

the tortured poets department

i have thoughts!! surprising, right?? this is for anyone who cares to read them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Before you read, note that this is going to be critical of things, so let me just start by saying I have loved and listened to Taylor since I was 8, so none of it is said lightly or without careful thought (in fact, this took me absurdly long to write). Most of the issues I have are very near to my heart, actually, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. If you don't want to read criticism, then just don't read more. DISCLAIMER that I did my best, but not even this fully captures the nuance I feel able my own opinions lol I recognize the other sides and points, I really do. I hold many conflicting opinions.

The short version is I will always love her music and her voice and she is capable of writing absolutely gorgeous lyrics (dare I say poetry?). I don't tend to think too much about the sound of it because if I like the sound, it's all I really care about—maybe it sounds the same as other stuff, but if I like that other stuff, I don't really care about whether she branches out or not. I think it's great and interesting when she (or anyone) does, but I also don't like change so it doesn't matter to me the way I know it matters to some people. That's just me!

What gets more complicated for me is the narrative, themes, and general trends that have been more prominent the last year or so, and that's what the rest of my thoughts are. It's me enjoying the music while also being acutely aware of all the grief tangled up in it because of how much less connected I feel in many ways.

Side note: this got soooo much longer than even I expected and it still just scratches the surface! so if you decide to read, 1. thank you, and 2. I'd love to keep talking to you. 🤍

———————————————————— 💭

I am an overthinker (shocking!) and will for sure be annoyed that I can't think of each and every thing I think about this album, but this is what comes to mind right now. Some things that have stood out to me more and more with each release:

a tendency to write self-aware lyrics that, in trying to be self-aware, betray somewhat of a lack of self-awareness

a frustration with never growing up that she expresses while also not realizing the way she is complicit in that and her own refusal to grow up

considering herself the victim, particularly after "overcoming" the accusations that she always plays the victim

venturing more boldly into the territory of serious mental illness/suicidal ideation/mental health treatment despite demonstrating a fair amount of ignorance regarding those things in the past

fame going to her head (in the sense of her becoming further and further out of touch) and the entitlement in a lot of the more immature attitudes that come across in these songs

self-awareness: for me, the first example that comes to mind is Anti-Hero: "it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me." It's a claim at self-awareness because she's poking fun at the fact that she knows people always say "maybe she's the problem." The reason why it feels to me like it exposes a lack of self-awareness is because she explores it mostly as a criticism to overcome and not a valid point of self-reflection. @jakeperalta's tags on her post explain it better than I do. Yes, there's an issue when you reduce every feeling to "well maybe she's the problem," but part of growth is admitting that maybe you are part of the problem and coming to terms with the fact that there is often some inevitable truth to that statement—and being willing to work on it. This example is from Midnights, but I think it ties into the next point.

immaturity/never growing up: I actually think these first two sections are just two parts of one section, but it's easier to read this way anyway. There are lots of references to not growing up on this album, the first that come to mind being "So High School" and "teenage petulance." Maybe it's just me, but as a 34-year-old woman, I wouldn't want to be feeling "so high school." I mean, as a 25-year-old, when I talk about feeling like my high school self, it's usually because I'm recognizing how limited my judgment and self-awareness was in high school (despite all the therapy and my efforts to be self-aware in high school). And I am aware of my own bias here—I absolutely hate the football game days because I didn't even like watching people act like that in high school, but at least they were high schoolers—but I do think part of what we've seen is Travis allowing her to be more immature and take less responsibility because that's also where he is at. Obviously I don’t speak to it with any authority since I don't know what happened in the relationship, but based on her behaviors and what I know about Joe (which is VERY little), I kind of get the feeling that part of what she didn't like about being with Joe is that he pushed her to grow. "Your integrity makes me seem small," etc. etc., but not in an “I want to grow” way, but not liking that feeling because she shouldn't have to feel small just because she wants to be able to only do what makes her happy. Just looking at the difference in her behavior and the fact that it seems like she's stopped trying to learn (Miss Americana-ish), it seems like she very much resents the responsibility that comes with being such a famous person and mainly considers herself a victim of her fame.

victimhood: to an extent, yes, she is a victim of her fame. No one should have that much fame and power, and of course she didn't sign up for it in this way. But wanting to have the kind of influence and reach that most artists desire is intertwined with fame. There isn't a way to separate it (in an ideal world, maybe, but that isn't what we're dealing with) and it's something that, to some degree, artists do sign up for. And I think she resents that she's expected to take any sort of responsibility for anything that she doesn't want to do, in a very, "but that's not fair!," teenage petulance kind of way. She even says in Sweet Nothing that "I'm just too soft for all of it." We're all too soft for all of it, but that doesn't mean we get to ignore it. It bothers me that she doesn't seem to feel any sort of responsibility to use this giant platform to do better. Everyone is aware of her influence, including her. I think that's part of the grief. No, it is not her job to use her platform for good, but I thought that it was something she valued and something she wanted. The other line that really stuck out to me was from Cassandra: "They say what doesn't kill you makes you aware, what happens if it becomes who you are?" You may be a victim of what doesn't kill you, but if it becomes who you are, that's not their fault. It reminds me a bit of the exhaustion of living with mental illness. For me in particular, it affects my relationships in a very fundamental way, and there are days that I sob because I am exhausted of things that are so normal being so, so difficult for me... but even though I didn't ask for it and it's not fair that this happened to me, it's still my responsibility to understand how my issues affect how I show up in relationships. It's still my problem, even though it isn't my fault that it's my problem. And if you're lucky, you find really beautiful people who are willing to help you and see that it's not their responsibility, but they want to make it easier for you—I recognize how lucky I am to have some people like that, but it never makes it anyone else's problem. If they decide one day it's not their problem, the truth is that it isn't (and then there's a more complex conversation about what you want to do to preserve a relationship). This is also very connected to something about Kate Beckett/why I identify with that character, and I can touch on that if anyone wants to know, but I don't really have cohesive thoughts about that prepared (it makes more sense if you already know the character). This also goes to other things, like her being upset that people always focus on who songs are about while ignoring the part she played in feeding that culture (like with secret messages).

mental health: this goes to a bigger discussion of how we turn to celebrities who are HIGHLY unqualified to have opinions on things for guidance (the nuance of the above discussion about using your platform), but the more she ventures into the discussion of mental illness, the more upset I get by some remarks she has made in the past. And yes, people grow, she may not feel this way anymore, but nothing in her behavior gives me any reason to believe that she doesn't still have this attitude. This is one that I know I have to be careful of because of how personal it is for me (I've been placed on a 5150 "danger to self" hold and I am a therapist), but one interview that has always made me so upset is that one where she talks about how she's never been to therapy, then ends it by saying "I feel like we just had a therapy session." She has said multiple times how she has never wanted to go to therapy when she has her mom, who already knows everything about her. And that is highly irritating to me because 1. that's why she's your MOM, not your THERAPIST, and 2. there's already so much stigma and apprehension around therapy and many people feel this way, so to have someone like Taylor Swift validate all the people who say "I'd rather talk to someone who already knows me" or "so and so is my therapist" is unbelievably frustrating. There's a reason it's unethical to treat people you know—that isn't therapy. And I think I wouldn't be so bothered by it if she didn't speak about it with such authority, like she knows what she's talking about when what she's saying shows that she doesn't (edit: this is specifically in regard to therapy, not mental illness. I am highly aware that anyone can be mentally ill). The other thing about this album is that it does seem to be an album about loving people with mental illness, and I've already seen a lot of interpretations that simply feed the narrative that people with mental illness are unlovable and mental illness is the reason people mistreat you (particularly the discussion about her lovers being blue all the time). And the issue with that is it's already a common misconception among people with mental illness, that their mental illness is an excuse or reason why they don't treat people right. It's disrespectful to the people who recognize that they have a mental illness that affects how they interact with others and choose to try to overcome it. I'm all for honest discussions about mental illness, but it's so disheartening when it happens on such a large scale and some of the loudest voices are people who don't know enough to know how to (at least try to) do no harm.

fame: I'm not really going to go into it because this has already turned out way longer than I meant for it to, but also because I feel like it's already been touched on. For me, it's the conversation about her feeling she should be able to just do what she wants. I think we all feel that way, but because of her fame and the fact that she's just about untouchable (as shown in how she came back from being cancelled), she can just tune everyone out. But one example was how uneasy I felt about this album being announced at the grammys. For one thing, it's not a fan-voted award, so even if it should, it doesn't feel the same. And regardless of your take on award shows, I do think it showed a level of insensitivity to the other artists who haven't won a bunch of grammys to decide that she would announce a new album at the grammys. Because even if she had a backup plan and said she didn't plan on it, the truth is that, to decide to have a backup plan, you did have to count on it happening, at least to an extent. You had to feel it was likely enough that you wanted to have a back up plan just in case, but it probably would go the way you wanted. To me, it just felt so... disrespectful. Because for many other artists, it doesn't happen more than once. (not to mention the many other things happening that got completely overshadowed, like Annie Lennox calling for a ceasefire)

So if you read all that... I don't even know what the point is at this point. These are just thoughts that, to me, don't feel right to simply ignore. I know there's an argument that you can enjoy music without enjoying where it came from, and it's true to an extent, but I also think part of the music is where it comes from. So... I don't know. Do with that what you will. And if you are reading this, I love you (I can't believe you're reading this).

[ca-suffit]

what are your thoughts on lestat/gabrielle bc parent-child incest is always abuse yet sometimes it feels like fans treat that r/s and akashastat as jokes, maybe bc they can’t recognise female abusers or bc they don’t understand abusers (i.e. lestat) can be and often are victims of abuse themselves.

I already know this is gonna be a rly long reply bcuz there's a lot to talk about to answer this.

gonna put it under a cut for what the topics are. don't click if u don't want to read about incest and abuse obviously.

first, as I've said in other asks here and there, fandom does have a lot of problems with criticizing at least white women in fiction bcuz it's too much of a mirror held up to what fandom spaces are usually made up of to begin with. this is also why darker topics become jokes. it's all a way to create distance for engagement, whether the distance is not to look at urself or maybe ur own trauma (it's usually both here). I've seen a lot of this in the book side of the fandom over the years. it's also why lots of stuff is focused on surface level words ("it's gothic fiction," "they're all monsters") instead of any in depth exploration.

secondly, not to sound like a shitty book person, but incest *is* a major part of gothic fiction. the intention *is* to be repulsive, horrifying, and taboo. ppl should obviously take care to avoid topics that u find overwhelming and might harm ur mental health, but otherwise this *is* part of the genre.

lestat and gabrielle also....don't rly get that much into it tbh. the fandom makes it sound like more than it is. idk if the show is gonna make it more but I doubt it. although there was a dig about it in the trial script that I never saw anyone mention btw

"if u want to kill ur lover, or fuck ur mother, it'll have to wait."

I personally find the shifting power dynamics between human life and vampire life to be rly interesting. I don't think it's something the books explored enough tbh. bcuz lestat and gabrielle are the only vampires who came from being a human parent and child to the child then becoming the vampire parent to his own fledgling vampire mother.

it's clear in their human life that their parent / child boundaries are fucked and tbh that's the worst part for me. especially bcuz the fandom doesn't want to explore that bcuz ppl don't like to criticize gabrielle, as mentioned above. her life is awful so ppl give her a pass a lot. but she starts off as the human parent and she's a p bad parent in a lot of ways tbh (cuz she never wanted to be one).

anyway. I always saw the vampiric era incest as a metaphor for their broken relationship otherwise. like I said before, the fandom makes it sound worse than what even happens too. they never fuck each other. at most they kiss and think or say things that are inappropriate about each other's bodies and their feelings towards it, but modern day stories have had a lot more brutal depictions of incestual relationships between mothers and sons tbh. not saying that to downplay it or say "get over it" or w/e but just to touch on that, cuz it does get weirdly annoying here about it sometimes. ppl act tough about their love of "gothic fiction" all day for other topics in the books that are rly more graphic than this, then act like this is the one thing that goes too far? It's fucking weird, although I have theories about why that happens too.

back to the point tho. they're kind of a "failure" mother and son in life, so that's how I tend to read why this happens in the first place. lestat wants a mother and gabrielle wants to be a man (she directly tells him at a point "u are the man in me").

this is from TVL, before he leaves for paris (when they're both still human)

"I tried to take her in my arms. She stiffened at first but then I felt her weaken and she melted against me, and she gave herself over so completely to me in that moment that I think I understood why she had always been so restrained. She cried, which I'd never heard her do. And I loved this moment for all its pain. I was ashamed of loving it, but I wouldn't let her go. I held her tightly, and maybe kissed her for all the times she'd never let me do it. We seemed for the moment like two parts of the same thing."

after he makes her a vampire, they're kissing each other a lot in that first night. lestat saved his mother from dying and created his first vampire, which he wasn't sure he could do, and she isn't sick anymore and has more freedom than she knows what to do with. she's no longer his human "mother" either. he mentions a lot in these moments that there's no hesitance when they kiss each other like there was before. bcuz they're both happier in their individual issues and this is how they can express that as vampires now. he feeds her blood from his mouth later on in their first night and it comes across like more of a nurturing action than something weird and sexual.

so there's obviously incestual themes present but, to me anyway, this always felt a lot more sad than anything. like they don't know how else to meet each other's needs so they do this as vampires to act out a type of intimacy that otherwise they don't rly have still?

but ya. lestat did not become who he is from nothing. both his parents were abusive in different ways and akasha abuses him too. he constantly has vampirism forced on him against his will and tries his best to ignore how it makes him feel, especially about his own body. he has a lot of trauma attached to how he looks too and it's a whole thing. gabrielle and magnus tap into that in ways too.

fandoms don't rly like to look at cycles of abuse bcuz it's easier to say someone is just "bad" than to feel like maybe ur a bad person too if u sympathize with them. that's why ppl here are working hard to usually make any of these characters either the abused or abuser, depending on which side they relate to the most. it's almost always a combination of both in everyone tho.

[thatpodcastkid]

Magnus Archives Relisten 11, MAG 11 Dreamer

If someone came to my place of work proclaiming they had a prophetic dream about my death I would simply believe them. RIP to Gertrude but I'm just built different ig.

MAG 11 analysis, spoilers ahead!

Facts: Statement of "Antonio Blake" regarding his dreams of Gertrude Robinson, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute (Head Archivist is another odd and foreshadowing usage of proper nouns in the transcript). Statement given March 14th, 2015.

Statement Notes: Oliver I love you but I also hate you so so much.

It's so strange relistening to this statement. On my first listen, I was very sympathetic to "Antonio." He was this innocent man who suddenly developed psychic abilities that tormented him. Even in 121 when he describes what he did on the voyage to Point Nemo, he seems to be driven by fear and desperation. But knowing what happens after Point Nemo and who he becomes in the Eyepocalypse, I wonder how much influence the power of the End had on him. As Jon develops his abilities, he becomes less confident in "normal" social situations, but more confident and stronger in dangerous horror-based scenarios. This seems true with Blake/Banks as well. He's very nervous as his abilities are developing when he tries to talk to Gertrude or Jennifer from Grifter's Bone. As he becomes more attuned with his abilities and gives in to his desires, he becomes more powerful, shown when he is strong and devoid of emotion enough to kill the actual Dr. Pritchard. He becomes strongest when he "gives in" to the End, being most clear and charming as he gives his statement in 121 and the Coroner's Report in 168. Just being able to track this change so clearly from this first statement to the last speaks not only to Jonny Sims skills for character development, but also the power of the Entities to draw out the worst in a person.

Blake describes his dream world as an "overexposed" or "washed out" photograph. The fading imagery was very profound and strong to me. Death is a fear, a horror represented by the black tendrils, but also a simple force of nature, slowly sucking life and color from all things. Unstoppable.

I don't know why I'm harping on this, but I can't understand why Blake's dreams always begin at the top of Canary Wharf. Does that come up again in the show? Is it personally significant to Blake?

Character Notes: I already got into Blake, so my other main character concern for this episode is Gertrude.

Did she ever see this statement?

Did she simply miss it? Was she busy and didn't get a chance to look at it before it was too late? Did she read it and attempt to prepare? She was smart. She knew which statements were real and which weren't. She would have understood what Blake was capable of. Did she attempt to prepare and defend herself but just couldn't manage it? Did Elias hide it from her? Did she read it and just accept the inevitable?

But of course, I have to bring up the Graham mention. I always thought the Graham/Oliver ship was just a fun fan thing, but I didn't realize Oliver had broken up with a Graham in cannon. Moreover, I didn't realize that it was confirmed to be Graham Folger until reading about the Season 5 Q&A when working on this post.

This raises an interesting point about original Graham. Blake describes having a mental breakdown due to his job, and Amy Patel describes her office job degrading her mental health as well. Is there something about Graham that attracts people losing their minds in an office? While it could be something spooky, I do understand why people stuck in mind-numbing careers would be drawn to someone with the time and resources to explore what he actually wants to do with his life, rather than what he has to do.

Entity Alignment: This is very clearly an End episode. I very much believe that, while he may not be the most powerful or dangerous avatar in the series, Oliver Banks was one of the most deeply connected to his entity. His psyche, his spirit, and his physical body were all so entrenched in death. It's interesting that there is no "inciting incident" that causes Graham to become an avatar of the End, as usually there is one event that acts as the root of an avatar's development. You could possibly argue it was his mental health breakdown, but that seems unrelated to death or anything associated with the End.

[yansimstorythatiwillnotworkon]

Taro Yamada

Name: Taro Yamada

Gender: Male

Class: 3-2

Club: N/A

Persona: Loner

Reputation:

Overall: 0

Liked: 0

Respected: 0

Feared: 0

Crush: ???

Strength: Incapable

__

I think there's a lot wrong with Taro, starting with him as a character. He is entirely bland. He looks bland, acts bland, and his character is all over the place.

For instance- if he sees a body, he will run away, not even bothering to bring Osana with him, despite his love interests doing that for him. Additionally, nothing about him says that he would bother running up to an armed, masked killer and rip the mask off. Not only would I doubt that Taro would do that as a person, but I believe that any lonely coward would simply run away.

One thing that I'd like to do to make his character more interesting is to give him a goal, a hobby, or a particular liking. This in my story will be books. Or, more precisely, the stories he hears in books. Growing up reading them, he has an attachment to them and strives (internally) to become someone great someday.

Of course, he's since grown out of super hero's, but his mind is still impressionable enough to be convinced to do something unique and meaningful with his life. That's why I think that each rival should push him towards doing something with his life. Additionally, him being so open to exploring could explain why he would be so willing to get with anyone who confesses to him (so long as he's known them for more than a day).

I won't put all of my ideas right here, but they'll be underneath the cut instead.

With Osana, I feel like he always internally felt held back by her attitude. By no means does he think that she's a bad person, but part of him always felt obligated to listen to her constant bullying. This kept him from trying a lot of things as a child, and although he's grown out of such anxieties now, properly talking with her about how she acted after she confesses could help motivate him to try the things he never did as a child alongside Osana.

The club leaders (Amai, Kizana, Oka and Asu) would push him to follow their careers. I imagine that baking could be a simple but fulfilling career for him, acting could let out his inner child's wishes to act out what he can't actually be in real life. I'm not entirely sure what he would do in an Occult Club of all things, but I'm sure it could feed into his habit of reading. Maybe he could become some sort of theorist? With Asu, I'm sure getting in shape could help him be more confident whenever he tries to be heroic.

If I could trust Mida to pick a less flirtatious and illegal relationship with Taro, I'd say she could motivate him to become a teacher like her.

The medical field pays well and you have the potential to help many people. Not only could Muja help Taro learn this, but he would also love to have such a well-off job.

I'm sure Hanako's clinginess and paranoia kept Taro from doing many things - much like Osana, but maybe with her help, he could become a splendid family man? Maybe he'd work well with children. (Don't worry, I by no means want Hanako to be Clingy to "keep her brother to herself." I'll explain the details in a later post.)

Megami could certainly motivate him to become a detective. After surviving such a possibly traumatic event, there's no way you wouldn't want to learn how to point out and investigate things like this to avoid other incidents.

Additionally, all of these hopes could make Taro's mental health deteriorate by the end of the game. If you had these continous hopeful thoughts being shot down plus possible losing the chance to ve in romantic relationships with outstanding people only to figure out that it was because of some psychopath you bumped into once, I'm sure you'd lose yourself as well (depending on how much damage is truly done). This could all pile into a bad ending where Taro "eliminates" Aishi for potentially ruining his life- and even better partnering with Info-Chan possibly.

[mostowa]

I don’t think Tim’s pain should be excused, however nobody seems to be acknowledging how DISRESPECTFUL Tim was toward Lucy in last episode … actually making not want them back together because he’s treating her like she meant nothing to him

Hey Anon!

I needed to take some time to answer your question for several reasons. One of them being that I didn't want it to be bundled (also in my head) with hateful comments about me being Tim defender. More importantly, I wanted to really think about what to say here. My answer is going to be one of tl;dr so here goes my general reflections about fandom, TV shows and life.

Firstly, someone said here very wisely at some point that it is great, how different we see scenes, dialogues and react to character building. I also think this is what makes things interesting as long as we keep our discussion civilized and open-minded.

Please, I don't want you, dear Anon, to find this lengthy answer as invalidating to your reflections. You have every right to this judgment, to your emotions and wanting to skip shipping Chenford.

You know, I rarely watch TV shows to judge or relive the drama. I am a sucker for TV shows that are well written (and I consider The Rookie one of these) is that they usually give me a lot of reflection on different characters and all kinds of life situation. I watch them mostly to analyze. And Chenford situation atm is nothing if not a deep pool to explore :D

The analysis is what I really feel like doing with Tim (and a lot of other plots in The Rookie). His perspective is a very distant to one that I follow in my life and that's what makes it interesting for me. He is a deeply bruised man in an obvious mental health crisis. And thus I am not feeling like judging his moves. I want to understand what he does and why he does that.

I've been in a mental health crisis myself. And boy, I was desperate. I was looking for any kind of reassurance I'm doing OK. I was left and judged by my friends. I felt so alone.

So, to add up all that. The way I see this situation is that it's not disrespectful for me, as I try to find different colors of Tim. It's a deeply wrong reaction, a scheme that he tries to fall into. The (once) safe common ground with Lucy: a work talk (that's the same he does in new sneak peek of 6x08). It's not an excuse, it's more of an explanation. I don't think it's good or right what he did, but I get why he did it and he is in an extremely flawed place.

Of course, if we are talking of disrespect and things happening in the relationship we need to consider both sides. So there goes Lucy side. As I see it, Lucy is, well, she is strong. To start. She also knows her boundaries so well. She sets them immediately with Tim. And I don't think also that she found his part disrespectful. I think she treated this a facade, maybe a BS also a little bit. I think she really hopes Tim will get his sh*t together (he needs to, let's be honest about that too). I'm happy she won't let that done at the expense of herself.

I don't think I see any of the disrespectful dynamic written in their relationship. But then again, I wouldn't have chosen to be with a partner like Tim, because I need a healthy attachment style and a good communication (which all I found in the beautiful mind of my husband). I think I've also always been rooting for guys like Tim has to find the good path. So, yeah.

Thanks to any of you that decided to stick to the end of this answer. I hope it makes any sense.

[heartbeatbookclub]

There's a lot of ambiguity present in DDLC, and although + does elaborate on a lot of it, it presents some new ambiguity, too. I've already discussed the Protagonist and his entire existence, but I think something people don't even really think about is Natsuki's home life.

In case that doesn't make it obvious, CW: this mini-essay is going to talk a lot about abuse. Take care of yourselves.

Within the original Doki Doki Literature Club, there's an inherent uncertainty in the actual degree to which Monika is personally manipulating the other girls. It's somewhat unclear whether or not Monika is directly manufacturing unappealing traits to give to everyone else, or if she's just exaggerating problems that were already there to the point of catastrophe. In other words, it's unclear as to exactly how much of the game from its outset was something which would happen naturally, or an element of Monika's manipulation.

I think that Plus simultaneously plays into this ambiguity and clarifies a lot of it. There are definitely gray areas left, but the Side Stories in particular answer a lot of questions.

I think what the Side Stories are intent on doing is showcasing all of the girls as characters independent of any potential 4th wall/Monika meddling, and it answers a lot of questions regarding the true depth of each of the girls independent of that manipulation. This includes Monika, actually, and I think what it displays is that Monika's manipulation is far reaching, but she worked with material which was already there.

I've already discussed how the Protagonist is implied to exist within the Side Stories, but vitally, the Side Stories indicate the raw personality (and problems, motivations, etc) of every one of the girls. This includes Monika, and I think makes for a very interesting character study for how Monika became who she is in the main game. That's something I played with a good bit in Coil, if you haven't read it. Monika isn't aware she's being watched and in fact isn't aware of any of the nature of her reality, and thusly puts significantly more of who she actually is as a flawed person on display.

I'm digressing, but only a little bit. Something else this clarifies is the question I asked earlier regarding whether or not Monika was explicitly adding negative traits to the other girls, though it isn't an exact answer: Sayori does have a lot of the same mental health issues displayed in the main game, though clearly not to the same degree. Yuri clearly demonstrates a more obsessive personality, but it's in more of an autistic hyperfixation "I am incredibly passionate about my interests and will talk about them for hours if you don't shut me up" kind of way. I think there's definitely still some factors which are up in the air about Yuri (knives...that's all I'll say), but I think it's clear to see the basis of what was done to her here.

And Natsuki is, well...still pretty ambiguous.

I should be clear; Natsuki's raw personality is still very readily apparent here, and it does do a great deal of exploration of her character, showcasing the real depth of who she is and why she acts the way she does, but there is one critical question which isn't explicitly referred to.

The obvious thing you're thinking of, probably because I mentioned it at the start. Any reference to Natsuki's home life is absent, and it was all I could think about throughout the entirety of her story.

What it's instead "replaced" by in this instance is bullying from a toxic group of mean girls esque "friends". I put replaced in quotes because they are clearly what the emphasis is placed on in lieu of an explicitly bad home life, but I'm not sure I'd call them a one to one replacement. (I put friends in quotes, because...well.)

To be more specific, I'm not sure they're a replacement at all. I think what they are is more a suggestion of deeper issues Natsuki has.

I think Natsuki's behavior and overall attitude when talking about her other friends is very telling with regards to how she views relationships in general. Her immediate knee-jerk reaction whenever anyone says anything negative about them is to, in the first place, minimize anything they did or said as "just playing around", or "making fun of something stupid". Her next response is to immediately place the blame on herself for being so sensitive.

The way she immediately seeks to dismiss and push off any attempts to address any issues with how her friends treat her is heart-wrenching, and constantly blaming herself for responding poorly is doubly so. I think it's also behavior we'd commonly expect of people undergoing abuse, and I'll be frank in saying that I think that her relationship with these people isn't just toxic, it's outright emotionally abusive.

But being in one destructive relationship doesn't necessarily mean she's in another, does it? What is it about this entire situation in particular that leads me to believe there's something deeper here?

It's maybe a little bit of a stretch, but follow me here.

I think Natsuki demonstrates that she is attached to these people, despite their actions toward her. Her immediate defense of their actions, the particular way she chooses to defend them, and her intense fear to even the prospect of cutting them off tell me she doesn't want to let them go. Even further, I'd say her immediate response being to defend them when others attack them is multifaceted, and I think that one of those facets is that someone pointing out how her friends shouldn't treat her that way is probably giving voice to a feeling Natsuki herself has. I think one of the reasons she's so quick to defend them is in order to suppress her own urge to say something.

But why is she so hesitant to say something in the first place?

She doesn't want them to leave her.

This is something which, on the surface, might sound a little strange, but I think more than anything else, greater than any fear of the abuse she might endure at the hands of these heartless weirdos, is a crippling fear of being alone.

There are various things I think underline this trait, big and small (I mean, she outright brings it up when she talks about cutting them off), but I think her entire attitude regarding her friends is representative of someone who desperately wants attention from someone, anyone, whether positive or not. The reason she places all of the blame on herself and defends all of their actions is because she thinks if she brings it up at all, they won't want to hang out with her anymore. She's the problem, because she can't bring herself to put up with it, but she doesn't want them to leave her.

And I think that this, in conjunction with a lot of other elements to her personality, indicate that Natsuki likely doesn't have a very kind home life, either.

I think the biggest thing that illustrates this to me is her sheer willingness to treat the entire situation as normal. To everybody else looking at Natsuki's situation from the outside, particularly as she describes and defends a variety of their actions, it's blatantly obvious what's happening, and Natsuki finds herself confused not only over how other people respond, but how she herself feels.

The amount of time she spends excusing the emotional torment they put her through, and her constant insistence that this is normal, and that she's perfectly fine, she just needs to grow a thicker skin, demonstrate to me that Natsuki doesn't really have a good concept of what "normal" is. I don't think this is all just a conscious denial of reality; I think she genuinely has trouble understanding what's wrong with the situation, beyond that they're acting mean towards her.

"It's just the way things are!"

"I'm the only one who ever has a problem with it."

I think her ready ability to normalize this kind of abuse speaks volumes to how she views relationships in general. I think this is indicative that she doesn't have many good models for what a "normal", healthy relationship would be.

I think that a lot of Natsuki's broader personality, particularly in how she responds to the situation with her friends, and Monika and Sayori's attempts to connect with her, is a pretty fair indication that she doesn't really have a good space outside of her interactions with people at school.

I'm, rather ironically, finding it increasingly difficult to really express everything which showcases it to me in a way which all fits together nicely, but I think if nothing else, that's the point I really want to drive home. It really seems to me based on the way that Natsuki acts that at the very least, she doesn't have a good, safe space at home.

If she did, she would have a much better point of reference for all of this, and I don't think she would be so quick to trap herself in this situation. I think that a big reason she turns to the Literature Club and is so insistent on trying to be friends with everybody in it, despite herself, despite all of the problems and conflicts they have, is because she's desperately searching for a safe place where she can just be herself.

I think she constantly feels like she needs to be on the defensive--in my opinion, a big part of why she finds it so hard to just be nice, outside of something simple like baking for other people, is because her only experience is other people being mean to her, and needing to make a biting comment back. I think that's also why it's so difficult for her to accept others being kind to her: She is so used to just shutting out other people and ignoring them because they're mean to her, that when someone is nice to her, despite her desire to accept it and return it in kind, she instinctively snaps at it, because if she lets anyone in, if she shows any sign of vulnerability, someone will hurt her. Maybe she'll have to admit that the other things people said hurt her, too.

It's like a feral kitten instinctively clawing and biting at the hand of someone just trying to pet it. It's so unusual to them that someone could touch them for any reason other than to hurt them that they feel the need to strike first, until they eventually realize there's nothing to be afraid of.

I think that all of this, in conjunction with how everything else in the Side Stories is presented in reference to the original game, suggest that Natsuki likely doesn't have a very good situation at home.

I think it's vitally important to acknowledge that most people's perception of Natsuki's home life, if it's at all fleshed out, is based on fanon, not canon, similarly to how this whole analysis is really just fan theorizing, and not necessarily 100% accurate. While there are certainly some things explicitly said in the main game, we don't know all of the particulars which go into her home life, and I think this is another example of intentional gaps left by canon that I talked about in my blurb on the Protagonist.

In this case, from what we're able to glean about Natsuki's home, her father is the main parental figure in her life (At the very least, there is no mention of her mother {to my knowledge, it's been a while since I played it}), and from Act 1, he's implied to be extremely strict. Details here are actually one of the reasons I assume this to be correct, because explicitly, Natsuki keeps her manga collection in the clubroom because she doesn't want her dad to find it. In Act 2, this is pushed even further, which is where we get a certain famous line about him physically abusing her, but of course, it's more likely that this is Monika's doing.

I think it's virtually impossible to get an actual understanding of Natsuki's home situation in the Side Stories, because...well, they don't bring it up, but I think it's safe to say that there is reason to believe it's not good. I think it isn't as bad as it is in Act 2, but judging by how things play out in Natsuki's story across the Side Stories...well, let's just say I'm glad she has the Literature Club.

I think excluding any mention of this is probably intentional too, and not because it's an intentional gap being left. I think it would be incredibly out of character based on what we've seen of Natsuki here for her to bring it up at all, both because of her warped sense of normal, and because she wouldn't want everybody around her worrying about it.

This is a subject for fanfiction, I think. Is that foreshadowing? Who knows.

[sweet-little-iris]

UPDATE: Out of the closet, but not transitioning.

So I could not bear to leave my kids. They are the life I chose, and it would be terrible if I did. My wife would not accept me transitioning, but she has been very supportive otherwise, and cares a lot for my mental health.

Now that she knows, she understands more why I am the way I am with things like clothes. Why I get defensive and angry when she thinks I picked a girly color, or when she comments on my longer nails or shaved arms. So now she understands and has no problems with those things. I can wear my androgynous bracelets and necklaces, shave everything, and even keep myself tucked, and not worry about her noticing.

She agrees that I should explore my clothing options, but asks that I keep it to the men's sections, even if it is more feminine styles. This isn't her being selfish, it's about us getting along and caring for the kids. It was a much longer conversation than this and it makes sense to me.

She understands that I can't always be the strong one, and that many masculine responsibilities are very difficult for me, mentally. That I need to get emotional, too, and that I need lots of hugs and cuddles all the time, which she gives. I told her even when I look like I don't want it, especially then, I need it! I told her I like to be the little spoon and when she grabs me and pulls me close like that. I even told her I prefer being submissive during sex, the 'problem' is so does she...

So honestly, while I'm choosing to not be free to take hormones or dress like I'd want even at home, I feel more free and at peace. I don't have to hide it all now. I even saw a bracelet I liked and asked her what she thought. It was pretty girly, but kind of borderline. My point is that I talked to her about it, and that was amazing!

I'm still insanely jealous of pretty girls wearing pretty clothes, but I'll have to deal with that. At least I can tell her why I was looking at that girl with the cute shoes.

I still have my secret online activities, like this, and my go bag of clothes for when I'm traveling for work (I love that dress so much!), but it feels so good to be present with her again, and to be honest and not fear ridicule and judgement for everything like I did.

I would not be happy leaving my kids. I'd be constantly fighting depression and covering it with clothes and hormones and who knows what else to keep me going. But I think I can be happy like this for the long term.

I share this in case it helps anyone else. We are on a spectrum with different manifestations and the triggers that got us here. Being trans isn't necessarily an on or off switch for everyone. For me it is likely both a label for my feminine traits, and a self reinforcing mindset I ended up in due to bullying, curiosity and exploration, depression, failure, inadequacy, etc. Trans or not, some of those things need to be dealt with to be a healthier me. That depression has nearly ended me a few times. I think I have the support I need now. I hope you do too.

[snarkylinda]

I should be studying, showering, sleeping, doing literally anything else but instead, I am going to do a long post about a mentally ill blorbo because I am mentally ill myself.

SO! We all make fun of Spencer let me take my vest off and lower my gun for no reason Reid, it's a meme at this point- but that....tendency is a consequence of what I find the most fascinating about his character as a whole....his relationships- or more like, the relationships he makes up in his head.

Before I go into details I want to leave something very clear that anyone that has seen even one season of the funny cop show has noticed: Spencer is highly obsessive.

Now I am not talking about his fun little facts or that he likes star streak and doctor who obsession- those are hyperfixations, and even tho MY hyperfixation it's ruining my life, his are actually harmless and overall make him happy.

His obsessive nature had almost cost him his career, if not his life, multiple times.

If you stop to think about it in depth, why does Reid abandon all common sense when it comes to certain UnSubs, certain cases? well the most evident answer is that he projects whatever trauma of the week they decide to explore onto them- and yes, that is the nick of things. He pulled that stunt on Elephant's memory because he related to Owen's harassment story, he wanted to help Nathan because he understood being afraid of your own mind turning against you, he wanted to help Adam because he couldn't save Tobias. You get the drill- but....that is not always the case.

With the guy that Lindsey's dad murdered- Spencer didn't relate to him, he was just a piece of shit. How about Samantha? (I know there is a theory about William....doing shit to Reid when he was younger and while I can see it, for the sake of argument I will take her case into consideration) The father of the victim on "Identity"? I can name another example but this one I am going to save for last since it's the reason for me making this post-

And one can argue "Well, he is just a really nice guy" and while that is true- what I named before doesn't always apply, Spencer's compassion has a very clear, marked limit.

His relationships.

When Cyrus was killed in front of him by Morgan, Reid barely blinked- hell, he fucking SASSED him. Why? because he hurt Emily.

All sympathy he could have had for Cat before she ruined his life DESPITE kind of empathizing with her story based on what HE was going through went out of the window because she and her lil gang terrorized Penelope for months.

He felt compassion for Adam, but not for his father who he claimed was the true monster of this story in the aftermath.

When Maeve told her her ex was dead, he quickly brushed that aside to ask her if SHE was alright.

And ofc, we all know what happened in prison after his friend there was murdered.

Reid is often associated with UnSubs not only because of how his backstory aligned with their motivations (mental health issues, bullying, absent parent, losing a loved one) but because most of these crimes are passional responses- and Spencer can be extremely passional, to a point where it clouds his judgment.

Now...you might be thinking "ok that is all nice and good, but where does the obsession come into play? all that I know is that he is a cinnamon roll that loves his friends and has some really deep projection issues he really needs to work on" and you are not wrong, but what made me make this fucking thesis in the first place its something else....one of my favorite things to analyze about fictional characters in this kind of setting it's "the needs of one vs the greater good" thing.

Now let's be fr, we all as human beings will always, ALWAYS prioritize those close to us over literal strangers. Even among the best, most empathic people that is just how it is, that emotional hierarchy will always be there- what differentiates us is how much it affects our actions.

Now with a job like this, there will always be this conflict among the menbers- obviously, their families and even each other will always be a priority, but on working hours their focus HAS to be on doing their job, following the rules and just being as professional as humanly possible- even tho it sometimes kills them inside since it just doesn't feels right.

Reid actually doesn't face this debate that much- because all common sense, respect for authority and protocol goes out of the fucking window whenever he obsesses over a new blorbo lmao.

Had you heard the phrase "One death is a tragedy, a hundred is a statistic"? nothing rings more true that with Dr. Reid right here. He is able to keep his cool while touching mangled corpses and discussing all the shit that happened to them- occasionally looking horrified if it's messed up enough, but other than that he is able to keep the same level of professionalism and compartmentalization as his co-workers.

Annnnnnd then he gets to know a victim, a witness, or an unsub and the vest leaves his torso, his gun folds itself and his IQ lowers. Alot.

Let's get back to the example I put of the guy that was murdered by Lindsey's dad- in that moment he wasn't a murderer to Reid, in that moment all he saw was a teenager begging for his life and HE could be the only to save him- he couldn't. He obsessed over that instead of what the guy did and that lead him to desire to insert Diluid inside of him after 10 months of sobriety, not to mention being A BIG factor in what he does on Elephant's Memory.

"I thought I could save this one" was his response when Hotch scolded him.

Spencer literally can't forget shit. So he tries to make sure that when he knows someone, even if is on a dying moment like the mentioned UnSub, he can save them. He forms some kind of bond with someone and they stop being an face and a name adhered to his board that he is determined to save/get justice for because is his literal job and he is overall a good person. In his mind, it becomes his responsibility whenever that person it's saved, and when that crosses over obsessive territory and his job, that makes it mandatory to always put the need of the many vs the one (especially if it's an unsub) well....

It's when he spiral and puts his career/the case in jeopardy at best, and his life at worst, no to mention what that shit does to his already questionable mental health.

In the second ep of the tenth season, Reid confesses to Morgan that after killing the LDSK, it suddenly hit him and he obsessed over all the "what ifs", at that moment that guy wasn't the LDSK that almost got him, his boss and a hospital full of mortal hostages in danger- he was the man that Spencer Reid killed- and it only ended when he stopped obsessed over HIM and started to put his victim's faces on his wall, forcing his focus on them instead.

He was more focused on the father of the victim on "identity" than the actual unsub himself because years before he had stopped him from seeing his daughter, and had made enough of an impact to be remembered by him in the present. Thanks to that bond, that little relationship, Spencer was able to put himself between a highly emotional distraught father's gun and the man he wanted to kill, to protect him.

He didn't get to personally know Samantha until the end- but he got to meet the scumbag that raped her. Add that to the already soft spot he has for children and you have a very angry Reid ready to do literally anything to make sure this woman that didn't even knew him was safe.

And ironically enough, what prompt me to do this thesis wasn't even one of those nice touchy feeling moments Spencer had with someone he bonded over- either personally or on a parasocial level- but one where he was wrong, but was about to risk a whole case over it. Rock Creek Park.

In that episode, Spencer and this other girl are keeping watch over this mafia thing so this politician guy's wife cane come back (as you can see I pay attention to certain scenes more that others lmao) and you can see the exact moment where the mission....stops being Spencer's priority.

After hearing this girl's conversation with her mother, she stopped being "the maid" and became someone Spencer's "knows" and so this leads to....this

....why did I bother with that text block when this scene spills it out- Anyways.

I dunno why but Rossi's reaction always sends me to the stratosphere- he knows.

Anyways, turns out that the helpless maid was actually on it all along and Reid almost throws the entire case off over nothing- *slows clap*

Ok ok, this might seem like I am slandering my boy but as fun as it is to make fun of him, this is exactly why I love him. This recklessness as a result of tunnel vision it's....concerning considering his line of work, and his eagerness to go far and beyond for someone he barely knows just because he knows them, above everything else and he is there, and can't bare the thought of not doing anything for them., to have their death's imprinted on his memory.

In conclusion- he ain't lawful good/neutral like the first few episodes want to make you think, he is chaotic good. And a mess. And I love him.

[langernameohnebedeutung]

Ok, giving you an update as I finish up Season 3!

Claiming Liv for BPD rep. With the mood and Personality swings (+ related interpersonal problems) I feel very seen :)

This might me just my Aro vision making it hard to see, but I don’t get MajorxLiv. Like with all the other pairs, there’s a path there or they shared interests and worked their way closer. But with these two we’re just told that they are meant for each other because ??? , but everytime they are together it’s just…why?

Liv has had better chemistry with every single one of her dead Boyfriends and she deserves better

Watching Blaine go from the main villain to that annoying bastard you can’t get rid of makes me so proud! I love characters like that! He’s the best, I wish him to never achieve his dreams! :D

On that note, the series has consistently fun villains. Good Job!

Big fan of the Meal montages that started with Season 2. And with how the brains keep their colour and consistency unless turned into mush. As brains are known to be x)

Fillmore-Graves has taught me that my armor for puns is still sore

I just like Jimmy, I’m glad he keeps showing up. He hates working with the Morgue Crew so much and it is so funny!

Fave episodes: “Astroburger” “Fifty Shades of Grey Matter” “Eternal Sunshine of the Caffeinated Mind” “Zombie Knows Best” “Looking for Mr. Goodbrain 1+2”

4 more days and 2 Season to go!

*braces for the LARP Episode*

!! You weren’t lying when you said you were speed-running! I was worried you might not be able to make it through the show before the end of June but you’re making headway!

- Oh, I love that (re: Liv BPD rep) – I never thought about it before but that is really interesting to explore! Tbh I often think of the zombism as a metaphor, e.g. Liv’s early zombism as a parallel to the PTSD symptoms that someone would experience after the boat party. And some specific brains having her adopt different neuro-types (e.g. the “hot mess brain” really struck a chord with me as someone with ADHD) – and the thing is, BPD would also make a lot of sense, especially with the age of onset often being in someone's 20s. Plus, it makes me even think in literal terms and not just metaphorical ones – Liv always seems to be more strongly affected by the brains than most other zombies on the show and I think it would have been interesting to explore how zombism and related brain-effects would interact with different mental health conditions and neurotypes. (The thing is, I have at least the working theory that the underlying personality as well as the willingness to engage with the new personality affects how and how strongly zombies are affected. A big example for me is Liv having a vision the very moment she ate one of Lowell's orphan brains while he could surpress it. Or in Conspiracy Weary, when Liv, Blaine and Don E are on the same brain and Liv does stuff like putting gum on her friends' webcams and wants to protect them, Don E likes to talk about celebrities (we see him do that on other occasions like with Christina Ricci or Gwyneth Paltrow) and Blaine is very opinionated on Tupac and the symbolism of Makaveli (music being a big deal to him)

-- The thing is, I think MajorxLiv might just be one of the most contentious topics in the fandom. I know people who really love them together and the tragedy and drama and the doomed-lover-ness of it all and I know others argue more from the point that such a major (ha!) point of the show is deconstructing the seemingly perfect life Liv had at the beginning of the show and he realisation that it wasn’t perfect at all and that she mostly lived for the expectations of others and didn't really have anything that mattered to her. And that part of that should have been realising that Major and her weren’t meant to be married-two-kids-picket fence and that they should have just embraced being friends and that it defeats the narrative. I also think it might be because they’re one of the only couples we don’t see originally falling in love – with Peyton and Ravi and Clive and Dale we see what attracted them to each other in the first place and watch their relationships develop (though I must say that I have more fun with Clive/Dale than with Peyton/Ravi but that’s no hate on the latter, I just enjoy the dynamic between Clive and Dale more). But Liv and Major were a thing from the beginning and you can tell that the writers very much prioritised them over other relationships these two had (rip Nathalie especially, you deserved so much better) which I alo think leads to some frustration. Personally, I don't really feel that strongly about it either way but I wish there were some aspects that they had gotten into more. Also, I wish they had prioritised Liv dealing with the deaths of so many of her boyfriends more?? Dude, the trauma of that. The guilt!

--- REAL. It goes from Blaine being a child-butchering monster to Blaine and Don E being the Pinky and the Brain of zombism (and also having the main-gang on speed dial). I like that they didn’t even go the route of redeeming Blaine or making him less evil. He actually continues to do things just as evil (and worse) than what he did in season 1. But even the morgue gang doesn’t really prioritise stopping or killing him anymore. I bet they run into each other in supermarkets or at the bank sometimes lmao.

I think it’s partially because he’s the long-distance runner of iZombie villains – most of the other baddies contain their evil to one season, maybe one-and-a-half. So it’s much easier to keep track of where they wronged you. With Blaine, the list is so long, it’s really hard to keep track of it all. Plus, a lot of his schemes don’t even directly affect the gang or they never learn about them. The show just gives like…a good amount of screen-times to tuning in to Shady Plots or the Scratching Post to show us what stupid schemes these two clowns are up to. (Also, I like that David Anders said that Blaine actually really likes the morgue squad and spending time with them. Those are his best friends who hate him <3)

----I also kind of dig that the meal montages really only started happening with season 2. Because early on, Liv’s zombie meals being more depressing (the instant noodles she does in the pilot for example) makes a lot of sense because she still feels defeated and lost being a zombie. But later on, she starts having fun with it! And I think it goes well with stuff like her refusing to tan or dye or putting on a scratchy wig – she really starts owning being a zombie and the fun meals are part of it!! I love that for her!

----- iZombie drinking game: Always taking a sip when there’s a silly pun somewhere. (doctors do not recommend this)

------- They put so much energy and thought and screen-time into their non-primary cast! Jimmy! Vampire Steve! Enzo! Johnny Frost! They’re just like: “here’s another perplexing little guy. We will not elaborate.”

--------- These are all fun! I always find it kind of hard to say which one of my favourite episodes are but I also really like The Whopper for all the drama happening there and Conspiracy Weary – Oh, and in season 4 you have Brainless in Seattle and Goon Struck coming up which I also really love (you might already be there, even. Not to spoil but: Major and Don E on a roadtrip! That was fun.). And in season 5 The Scratchmaker and the noir episode are really fun!

[sprintingfox]

idk if this will make sense bear with me

how would the mikaelson sister gang react to your klaus' love interests over the stories? like who would be their favourite from them? does that make sense? would vivalda and maddie get along, stuff like that? who would get along best with yara (i'm biased she's my favourite)

Ok so Klaus love interests were: Beatrix, Esmeray, Maddy, Ibeth, and Yara. The sisters were: Hilda, Eisa, Vivalda, and technically Amaris.

EISA: Would probably have thought Beatrix was a ticking time bomb from the start and would've wanted her to enjoy her life instead of being tied to the Mikaelsons. Beatrix was sort of a mother figure to Marcel but not as much as Yara so honestly Eisa would've talked her out of even being with Klaus (cause honestly Beatrix and Klaus were so toxic to each other which is why they didn't last) and had her go explore the world. She also wouldn't really have encouraged Elijah x Beatrix either. With Esmeray, I think Eisa would've tried to free her from a much earlier point like if Klaus is clearly not treating Esmeray right in the earlier stages (expected cause he was such a prat) then she probably would've given Esmeray the resources to do her ritual early on then sent her on her way cause having those two powerful beings together is chaotic and she would've wanted Esmeray to take care of herself instead of trying to help Klaus through his stuff. She would have liked Maddy's fire but probably also warned her about being too attached to Klaus... in the end this one would probably go better 'cause Maddy was actually Hope's mom so Eisa would just protect her. With Ibeth, I think she would have teamed up with Kol to figure out a way out for her the moment she saw Klaus wasn't treating her right. Like, Klaus was super abusive in that story and Eisa hates abusive people so she probably would have made them go their separate ways, too. She totally would love Yara from the beginning (ngl in this universe I think maybe Yara would've had a crush on Eisa but I don't really see the reverse being true only 'cause Yara was more concerned with being a mother to Marcel and Eisa would have gotten bored of that).

HILDA: I think she would have shipped Beatrix x Kol so hard, like finding the idea of Beatrix so cool and wishing she'd been able to do the things she did. She and Kol probably would've teamed up to find a more permanent solution for Beatrix so she wouldn't eventually die. With Esmeray, honestly Hilda would probably want to keep her close too which wouldn't really be all that holly jolly for Esmeray. Hilda would teach her a lot more magic though and I think they'd be really close. Hilda might still talk her out of trying to shoulder all of Klaus's baggage but she'd be good friends with her and probably want her associated with the family even if she would probably manage to convince her to be with someone else. Hilda would love Maddy the most out of these, I think, cause they'd have fun together. Maddy could help Hilda through her mental health troubles plus if Rebekah doesn't really like Maddy then that's better for Hilda cause then Bex can't steal her bff. She'd be so happy when Maddy would announce that she's pregnant, like seriously Hilda would be so ecstatic. With Ibeth I think similar to Eisa she'd find a way to get Ibeth out of that arrangement cause no way is she gonna tolerate the way Klaus treated her. She'd be so much more vicious in her defense than her siblings were in Ibeth's story cause she's dealt with that same abuse and the self-image issues that Ibeth really struggled with that kept her falling back in with Klaus even when she wanted to hate him so badly. With Yara, I think Hilda would be meh about her cause she didn't really like Marcel thus she wouldn't care about Yara being there or not, but she'd probably encourage Yara x Klaus for the sake of getting Klaus to actually make good on his promise to make the city better and take care of the kid he adopted then also if Klaus is busy with someone as charismatic and healing as Yara, then he has less time to bother Hilda and Kol. Hilda would probably not have gone looking for her when she disappeared only because she'd understand why Yara did it and probably tell the others like hey if she left, it means she's sick of our bs and we shouldn't pressure her into rejoining us. But when Klaus brings her back she'd just be like ok whatever life goes on and simply be okay with her but probably not so close cause idk I feel like they just wouldn't really find all that much in common.

VIVALDA: This is the messy one lol. She's so meticulous about preventative measures and preventing future threats to her family by snuffing people out early on that I lowkey feel she would have killed Beatrix and Esmeray hellaaa early on. Like oh, Beatrix is slowly dying 'cause of dark magic and she's trying to be with all of my brothers? Yeah let's kill her cause she's not useful really and she's just gonna cause more problems down the line. Oh, Esmeray is this super-powerful hybrid and has done her part to help Klaus? Goodbye, why do we need her? Vivalda is not one to care that people are nice or that her siblings care, she is gonna think she's seeing what they can't through their little rose-colored heart-shaped glasses and she's gonna say better safe than sorry. She's killed so many people for less. She doesn't like anyone who poses a threat and I highly doubt she'd change her mind based on the way these two immediately come off, given they are so freaking powerful. Also I don't see Beatrix or Esmeray liking Vivalda, either. Beatrix would probably only vibe with her when she's in her no-humanity phase (in which case her and Vivalda would be besties but Vivalda wouldn't even let it get to that point) and with Esmeray, I feel Vivalda would be like ugh you're so boring trying to be super sweet all the time, you're a super powerful being and you're supposed to be more assertive than that. With Maddy, I feel Vivalda would struggle fighting the urge to kill her, too. Cause she hates Damon and Stefan but I guess she'd see Maddy's devotion to Klaus as a good thing cause she knows what her brother needs and also if Rebekah doesn't like her, that's also good for Vivalda. She'd also think the reason Rebekah dislikes her to be so stupid cause she'd probably end up admiring Maddy's loyalty to her family. I can't see them being very close but I can see Vivalda definitely protecting her a lot especially once she gets pregnant with Hope. With Ibeth, I don't think Vivalda would have let Ibeth even pose the idea of marriage. While Eisa and Hilda might've gotten her out of it once they noticed the signs, I think Vivalda would've seen the abusive relationship coming from a mile away. She doesn't really like how Klaus acts with werewolves so she wouldn't really want him to marry one 'cause there is just no understanding between them. She'd warn Ibeth of what is to come and offer other options if possible. If Ibeth still married Klaus, Vivalda would probably have gotten daggered so quick trying to beat Klaus's ass for laying a single hand on Ibeth, which wouldn't have really accomplished much. She'd probably feel so frustrated with Ibeth for staying cause Vivalda really just doesn't have any concept of sympathy or understanding someone stuck in an abusive situation since she herself has always been so firm in what she wants and believes, she'd never let herself be stuck like that with someone so she wouldn't understand why Ibeth does it. With Yara, I think Vivalda would like her only cause she keeps Marcel occupied. She'd think her backstory cool and want her to drag Klaus away so she can do her own thing. I can see her getting close with Yara if Yara were to recruit her help killing conquerors— then Vivalda would really vibe with her and probably help her. Yara may annoy Vivalda if she tries to help her process her emotions but I'm sure Vivalda would eventually come to see Yara the way she does Antonella, this like girl boss she relates to and thinks successful in many of her own ways. I think she'd have mad respect for Yara having made the most of her vampire experience especially after the way she unfortunately got into it. Vivalda would see her as a fighter.

AMARIS: Uhh given where she comes in the timeline, she would meet Beatrix in a very awkward position and probably distrust her cause she'd have seen her while watching her fam from the other side and not like that Beatrix was jumping from brother to brother. Amaris wouldn't really judge her for it but she'd think it a sign that Beatrix might not be able to stay loyal to the fam. Lowkey I feel Klaus would like Beatrix more just for the sake of it pissing off Amaris. But in the end Amaris would want Beatrix to be happy elsewhere. Amaris x Esmeray would be such an unstoppable duo, I think Amaris would love Esmeray to bits, they'd bond over the times they grew up in (similar ish packs, the Paxons and Poldarks) and they'd probably grow more attached to each other than their respective love interests... I could totally see them getting together romantically because they'd understand each other so much, they'd share in traumas of how they were raised, and I think they'd really respect each other wholly in ways their respective partners didn't always. Amaris would like Maddy a lot, I think they'd be bffs too. Nothing much to say about that one since again Amaris would appear once Maddy is already pregnant so she'd have to just get to know her regardless. With Ibeth, no way would Amaris let her marry Klaus, either. Amaris would probably rather talk Jackson into marrying Hayley than let Ibeth be with Klaus cause... well, the way Klaus treats Amaris is a degree less than how he treated Ibeth but in the same family, sort of. Amaris and Ibeth would bond as victims of that abuse but that's still really sad to even think of. Amaris would love Yara a lot too, probably look up to her in a way and admire how much Yara has been through while not letting it get to her the way others do.

[biggerbetterbat]

WITH YOU II | IN THE MEANTIME

Daryl Dixon x oc!Charlie

Summary: When Charlie is left with Judith and Carl, she makes new friends. Alexandria is under attack.

Warnings: panic attack, talking about mental health and death, language, idk if there’s more

Words: 3.898

As Charlie walked with Judith, the weight of her decision to stay in Alexandria settled heavily on her shoulders. Guilt that she wasn't helping her family was the cause of heartache. But her thoughts were interrupted as the wheels of Judith's stroller became stuck on a small stone protruding from the ground. With a frustrated sigh, Charlie tried to maneuver the stroller free, but to no avail.

Just as she was beginning to grow exasperated, a voice spoke up from behind her. "Need a hand?"

Charlie turned to find a young boy that she saw in the infirmary standing before her, a friendly smile on his face. She hesitated for a moment, her instincts urging her to be cautious, but she knew it was a big too much with a baby. So she nodded in agreement.

With practiced ease, the boy knelt down beside the stroller and deftly maneuvered it free from its predicament. As he straightened up, Charlie couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt for doubting him. After all, he had only been trying to help.

"Thanks," she said, her voice tinged with gratitude.

"No worries."

As Charlie resumed her walk with Judith, she heard more footsteps next to her. Glancing to her side, she saw the same boy walking beside her, his hands shoved casually into his pockets as he matched her stride.

"Uh, can I help you with something?" she asked, her voice laced with caution, brows furrowed.

The boy shrugged nonchalantly, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Just figured I'd keep you company," he replied casually, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Charlie's brow furrowed in confusion. "Why?" she pressed, her tone tinged with suspicion.

He flashed her a grin, his demeanor surprisingly relaxed. "Why not?" he countered, his tone playful. "I'm waking here alone everyday."

"And how has it been?"

"Since the beginning?" he answered. "Well...minus a week or two, I think..." he said a silence fell between them. "What's your name?"

Charlie hesitated for a moment, her mind racing as she weighed her options. She didn't know this boy, didn't know anything about him or his intentions, and yet here he was, shadowing her every move like a persistent stray dog.

"It's Charlie," she replied finally, keeping her responses short and to the point.

The boy nodded, seemingly unperturbed by her curt demeanor. "Nice to meet you, Charlie," he said cheerfully, his smile widening. "I'm Andy."

"So, Andy," she said after a moment. "You've been walking alone this whole time?" she pressed, her voice tinged with disbelief.

The boy shrugged, his expression unreadable. "For the most part," he admitted, his tone casual.

"And you don't want to go out?"

"Go out? Where?" he asked and looked at her, immediately knowing what she was thinking. "Oh, you mean out."

"Yeah."

"Are you crazy?" he chuckled. "After what I saw back there? Nah, thanks. That's just...not gonna happen."

"World is different know. Peaceful," she said. "And it is waiting out there to be explored."

The boy shook his head adamantly, his expression one of staunch determination. "I'll take my chances in here, thanks," he said firmly, his tone leaving no room for argument. "At least I know what to expect."

"Why?"

"I think you know it the best," he said. "And Rick knows it. Isn't it why he's out fighting for this place?"

"Your thinking is dangerous," Charlie said. "Places like this makes you comfortable and weak. You forget about the dangers, because you have walls right? You laugh the dead in the eye from the comfort of your white house. But sooner or later, it falls. It always does. So what would you do when it will?"

"Maybe you're right," he shrugged. "But I saw what is happening with you after you went out."

Charlie's brow furrowed in confusion as the realization dawned on her. The boy walking beside her, the one who had seemed so friendly and helpful, was the same one who had been watching her all along. Her mind raced as she tried to make sense of it all, a sense of unease settling in the pit of her stomach.

"You've been watching me," she said quietly, her voice tinged with accusation.

"I-I didn't mean to... I wasn't trying to spy on you or cause you any harm," he stammered, his voice tinged with desperation. "I just... I wanted to make sure you were okay. I heard about your group, about what you've been through, and... I just wanted to know if you were a threat."

His words spilled out in a rush, his hands trembling as he struggled to regain his composure. He knew he had crossed a line, had betrayed Charlie's trust in the worst possible way, and now he was paying the price for his indiscretion.

"But I know you're not a threat," he said. "I know you've been struggling."

Charlie stopped. "You know shit."

"I know more than you think."

"Yes, because you've been spying on me!"

"I know about your insomnia, panic attacks..."

"Stop it," she cut him off. "What do you want."

"I want to help!"

"Help?"

"There're people here, who can help you," Andy said, gesticulating. "They helped me!"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," she mumbled.

"Just..." he sighed, trying to reach her arm, but Charlie leaned back. "Just meet me later. There's a house at the very end of that street."

"And why would I want to meet you?"

"I think we have a lot in common."

"And you know it because you've been watching me."

"I know it sounds crazy," he continued, his tone pleading. "But I've been watching you because... because I think I can help. I know things, things that might be useful to you and your group. Please, just hear me out."

Charlie regarded him with a mixture of skepticism and curiosity, her brow furrowing in thought as she weighed his words. She knew she should be angry, should demand answers for his actions, but there was something in his tone, in the earnestness of his plea, that gave her pause.

"I'll think about it."

With a last look, she walked away.

Charlie smiled warmly as she approached Carl, gently lifting Judith out of the stroller and cradling her in her arms. Judith cooed softly, her chubby cheeks flushed with warmth as she snuggled closer to Charlie.

"Hey, Carl," Charlie said softly, her voice filled with affection as she handed Judith over to him. "Guess who's ready for her next meal?"

Carl's face lit up with a smile as he took Judith from Charlie, his expression one of pure joy as he gazed down at his baby sister. "Thanks, Charlie," he said gratefully, his tone filled with appreciation. "You're the best."

Charlie chuckled, a sense of warmth flooding her heart at the sight of the siblings reunited. "Just doing my part," she replied modestly, her gaze softening as she watched Carl cradle Judith in his arms.

As Carl settled in to feed Judith, Charlie couldn't help but feel a sense of pride wash over her. She had spent so much time looking after Judith, helping to care for her and keep her safe, and seeing her in Carl's arms now filled her with a sense of satisfaction unlike anything she had ever felt before.

"Did she sleep okay?" Carl asked, breaking the silence as he glanced up at Charlie with a curious expression.

Charlie nodded, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Like a little angel," she replied affectionately. "She's been so good today, haven't you, Judith?"

Judith gurgled happily in response, her tiny fingers reaching out to grab onto Carl's shirt as she cooed contentedly. Carl's smile widened at the sight, a sense of pride evident in his eyes as he held his baby sister close.

"But I could do it, you know?"

"Of course," she said. "But you're a teenager, who should do what teenagers do. So?"

"So?"

"How's it going with the girl?"

Carl's smile faltered slightly at the question, his gaze flickering away as he shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, it's...not going," he replied vaguely, his voice lacking its usual confidence.

"What?"

Carl sighed, his shoulders slumping slightly as he ran a hand through his hair. "It's just... complicated."

"I think you're making it complicated."

"Thanks, Charlie," he said firmly. "But I'll deal with this on my own."

"Okay, Big Man," she said. "Whatever you say."

"And umm, Charlie," he said. Carl's voice became hesitant as he approached the topic. "So, uh, I talked to Gabriel earlier," he said tentatively, his eyes darting to Charlie for her reaction.

Charlie's expression darkened at the mention of Gabriel, her annoyance evident in the way her jaw clenched and her brows furrowed. She had little patience for the man who had once turned his back on their group.

"And that was your first mistake."

"He said he wants to be able to defend himself and the others," Carl answered. "I think, he understands now."

"Understands now, does he?" she muttered, her tone laced with skepticism. "After everything he's done?"

Carl shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, a sense of unease creeping into his demeanor. He knew Charlie had good reason to be wary of Gabriel, especially considering his past betrayals, but he couldn't shake the feeling that perhaps Gabriel was genuine in his desire to change.

"I know it's hard to believe," he admitted reluctantly, his voice tinged with uncertainty. "But maybe people can change, given the chance."

"It's your decision, and I will respect whatever you choose to do," Charlie placed her hand on his shoulder. "But I won't help him in anything."

"Of course," he nodded.

Charlie smiled at the boy, and suddenly her thoughts drifted back to her conversation with Andy earlier that day. She stopped in her tracks and turned to look at the boy.

"Could you watch Judith for the rest of the day?"

"Sure," he nodded. "But, where are you going?"

"I have somewhere I need to be," Charlie explained.

"Is it safe? The place where you're going?" he asked.

She smiled and felt a wave of warmth spreading down her body, at the sign of affection. "Yes. Don't worry."

Charlie stood outside Andy's door, her heart pounding in her chest as she waited for him to answer. The more she waited, the more she was unsure whether her decision to come was bad or good. After what felt like an eternity, the door finally creaked open, revealing Andy standing on the other side.

Andy's surprise was evident in the way his eyes widened and his mouth fell open slightly as he registered Charlie's unexpected presence. He hadn't been expecting her to show up at his door.

"Hey."

"I..." he shook his head. "Didn't expect you to actually come."

"Should I go?"

"No!" he jumped. "I mean...No. Come in." Andy said, and he stepped aside to let her enter, his eyes never leaving her face as she crossed the threshold into his home.

Stepping inside Andy's house, she couldn't help but notice how empty it felt. The air seemed to hang heavy with silence, broken only by the soft creaking of floorboards beneath her feet. The walls were bare, devoid of any personal touches or decorations, giving the space an eerie sense of emptiness.

As she made her way further into the house, her eyes fell upon the scattered books strewn haphazardly across the floor.

"Sorry for the mess," he said sheepishly, his tone tinged with embarrassment. "We don't have many guests."

"We?" Charlie turned around to look at Andy, her curiosity piqued by his mention of "we." She noticed him rubbing his forehead, a gesture that seemed to betray a hint of discomfort or unease.

"I invited you here to introduce you to someone."

"Why this someone couldn't go out?" she raised her eyebrow.

Before Andy could respond, the door creaked open, and a man entered the room. He was tall and wiry, with a shaggy mane of dark hair and a weathered face that spoke of a life lived on the edge. His eyes held a glint of mischief, and there was a confident swagger to his step as he crossed the threshold.

"Charlie, meet Cass," Andy said, gesturing towards the newcomer. "He's a friend of mine. He basically created this place."

"I thought it was Reg?"

"Walls like this couldn't be raised by a one man," the man said. "Oh, and I don't like going out," he added, while squeezing her hand. "It's due to my condition."

"Condition?"

"Cass... he's been through a lot," he began slowly, his voice tinged with sadness. "After...the walls had been raised. It's a constant struggle for him, and sometimes it's hard for him to leave the safety of his home."

"Like we all, right?" Cass said. "And it took a tool on us all."

"What do you mean?" Charlie asked.

"Andy... he suffers from PTSD and anxiety," he explained softly, his eyes filled with empathy. "Insomnia. Eating disorder. He spends more time in the infirmary than here."

Charlie listened intently, her heart going out to Andy as she tried to imagine the daily battles he must face.

"What's up with you?" Cass asked, lowering glasses on his nose.

"There's nothing wrong with me," she said firmly, her voice tinged with certainty. In her mind, Charlie couldn't fathom the idea that she might have a mental condition. "I can assure you, I'm perfectly capable of handling myself."

"Then you're a medical miracle."

Charlie's anger simmered beneath the surface as she met Cass's cynical gaze. She could feel the heat rising in her chest, fueled by his dismissive demeanor. How dare he question her strength? How dare he doubt her abilities?

"I don't need your judgment," she snapped, her voice sharp with indignation. "I know myself better than anyone, and I don't appreciate you insinuating otherwise."

Cass held her gaze for a moment, his expression unreadable as he assessed her words. There was a flicker of surprise in his eyes, as if he hadn't expected her to push back so forcefully.

"I wasn't trying to judge you," he said finally, his tone calm but tinged with a hint of frustration. "I was just trying to offer support."

"Support?" she shook her head and then looked at Andy. "What the hell is..."

"What?" Andy asked.

Her heart skipped a beat as she watched in horror as a group of shadowy figures descended upon Alexandria, their faces obscured by masks and their movements swift and savage. A wave of panic washed over her as she realized what was happening. Those people were attacking them.

Andy's panic attack struck with full force. His breaths came in shallow gasps, his chest tightening with each passing moment. Charlie's heart clenched with worry as she watched him struggle, the weight of his anxiety palpable in the air.

"Andy?"

"We need to hide. We need to hide," Cass started repeating it while walking around the room.

"Shouldn't we help him?"

"We need to hide."

"Andy, look at me," she urged gently, her voice a steady anchor in the storm of chaos surrounding them. "Focus on your breathing. Cass!"

Charlie's frustration boiled over as she watched him retreat further into his panic. With a steely resolve, she turned her attention back to Andy, determination burning in her eyes.

"You shouldn't have come," Andy said while shaking his head.

"What?"

"You should stay with a boy and a baby," he said. "Now, they're going to die. We're going to die."

The chaos outside, Andy's panic attack, and Cass's insistence on hiding all converged into a tumultuous storm of fear and uncertainty. Charlie felt a surge of panic rising within her own chest. Her breaths came in short gasps, her heart pounding against her ribcage as she struggled to maintain her composure. She couldn't shake the nagging fear that something might happen to them, that they might be caught in the crossfire of the chaos engulfing Alexandria.

Charlie made her way to the kitchen, her footsteps echoing in the empty house. Her heart raced with urgency as she scanned the area, searching for the one thing that could help her protect Maggie, Carl and Judith: kitchen knives.

"Where the hell are all of your knives?!"

"Long gone," Cass said. "Just in case..." he looked at Andy, who was on the floor. "We must hide."

"I must protect my kids!" Charlie screamed.

"Not this time I'm afraid," he answered. "I hope there will be another time."

Her breaths came in short, ragged gasps, her chest tightening with each inhale as if an invisible hand were squeezing the air from her lungs. The room spun around her, the walls closing in as if to suffocate her with their oppressive presence. Images of violence and bloodshed flashed before her eyes, each more terrifying than the last, as her panic spiraled out of control. She sank to her knees, the weight of her fear pressing down on her like a leaden weight. Tears welled in her eyes, blurring her vision as she struggled to make sense of the chaos raging within her.

Then she felt a hit on the back of her head.

The air was thick with the musty scent of earth and concrete, and the walls were made of rough-hewn stone, giving the space the appearance of a bunker. Confusion washed over her as she struggled to piece together what had happened. The memories of her panic attack and the chaos outside flooded back to her in a jumbled rush, leaving her head spinning with disorientation.

Slowly, she pushed herself into a sitting position, her muscles protesting the movement after their ordeal. She glanced around the room, taking in her surroundings with wary eyes.

"You okay?" Andy asked.

He seemed strangely calm and composed, as if he were untouched by the chaos and confusion that surrounded them. As if he wasn't panicking not so long ago.

"I... I think so," she replied, her words coming out in a hoarse whisper. "Where're we?"

"It's...a special room, Cass created in case of situations like this," Andy said. Her attention turned to Cass, who sat in a corner of the room, his eyes fixed on some distant point in the distance.  "Don't worry about the kids. They're fine. The boy looks like a tough one."

"He is."

"Charlie," the boy said. "I didn't mean to freak you out. I just didn't want you to go through what I have been through."

"What happened?"

She couldn't help but notice a thoughtful expression flicker across his face, as if he were wrestling with some internal dilemma. There was a vulnerability in his eyes that she hadn't seen before, a hint of something hidden beneath the surface.

"I was studying in D.C. when everything broke down. I'm from California," he confessed. "I wanted to get back to my family. I had a younger brother and sister, but it was too crazy out there."

"Were you alone?"

"No...At the beginning, it was me and my roommate. A tough guy," he said. "Which meant nothing for the dead. I was watching him being torn apart and then I was alone for a moment. Until I found Denise and her brother, who...Then we found this place."

"And you never wanted to try to come back home?"

"That was a plan," Andy nodded. "But after seeing what happened to D.C and...everything, do you think there's any home left?"

She could sense the weight of his disappointment, the crushing realization that the world he once knew had been irrevocably changed by the horrors of the apocalypse.

"I'm sorry, Andy," she murmured.

"You feel sorry for me?" he chuckled. "I was out there for two months top. You and Rick, and all those people...You must have went through the hell and back."

"It was hard," she nodded. "Especially when the dead weren't the only one who wanted to kill us."

"You remember your first kill?"

"I do," Charlie nodded. "It was Lori, Carl's and Judith's mom."

Andy's expression became shocked but then softened, a look of sympathy crossing his features as he regarded her with understanding.

"She was giving birth to Judith, and it was either her dead or both of them."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop it," Charlie shook her head.

Charlie offered him a faint smile, grateful for his empathy in the face of her darkest memories.

"Charlie," Andy said. "Please, let us help you. Do this for those kids."

His words resonated with her, stirring up memories of the innocent faces of the children she had grown to care for. She couldn't continue to shoulder the burden alone, couldn't allow her pride and stubbornness to put those she cared about at risk. Nonetheless, she shook her head as if brushing away the thought.

With each step, Charlie pushed herself forward, her resolve growing stronger with every passing moment. She couldn't shake the feeling of unease that gnawed at her insides, a sense of foreboding that refused to be ignored.

"Carl?" Charlie called out as she entered the house, her voice echoing through the empty rooms. She scanned the familiar surroundings, her heart pounding with a mixture of anticipation and apprehension. There was a sense of urgency in her voice, a need to find him quickly and ensure that he was safe.

Relief flooded through Charlie as Carl emerged from the shadows, Judith cradled safely in his arms. She hurried over to him, her heart pounding with gratitude and relief at the sight of them both unharmed. "Charlie?"

"Thank goodness you're okay," Charlie exclaimed, her voice trembling with emotion as she reached out to take Judith into her own arms. Tears welled up in Charlie's eyes as she held Judith close, the weight of the day's events finally catching up to her. She buried her face in the little girl's soft hair, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs as she clung to her tightly.

"We're okay, Charlie," Carl said.

She nodded and sobbed, what echoed through the room as she wrapped her arms tightly around Carl, seeking solace in the warmth of his embrace. Carl's arms tightened around her, pulling her closer.

"We're fine," he repeated, rubbing her back.

When the gates opened, Charlie's heart sank as she watched Michonne enter Alexandria alone, her usual stoic demeanor tinged with weariness and sorrow. could see the fatigue etched into her features, the weight of her solitary journey evident in the slump of her shoulders.

"Michonne," Charlie called out, her voice tinged with concern as she hurried over to greet her friend. "Are you okay? Where's the others?"

Michonne's expression was grave, a flicker of sadness passing through her eyes.

"Michonne," Charlie said in a firm voice. "Where's Glenn?  Where's Daryl?"

"I... I don't know. We got separated..."

Panic surged through Charlie like a tidal wave, threatening to overwhelm her fragile composure. Her chest tightened, her breaths coming in short, ragged gasps as she struggled to make sense of the devastating news.

"No," she whispered hoarsely, her voice trembling with fear and disbelief. "They can't be... They have to be out there somewhere."

But even as she spoke the words, doubt gnawed at the edges of her mind, a cold, creeping fear that threatened to consume her.

"OPEN THE GATES!"