#fat friar

[d-lioncourt]

— Aesthetic: a day in the Hufflepuff quarters —

[dream-beyond-the-fantasy]

Ghosts

@allvalley100 I know it’s late by about 20 minutes, but I was working today.

An excerpt from an upcoming chapter of my fic, You’re a Wizard, Jimmy.

***

As Jimmy and the other incoming first years waited for Professor McGonagall to return, they looked around the Chamber of Reception.  The cacophonous chatter of the rest of the school came from their right, in the Great Hall.

To his left, Jimmy spotted a group of at least twenty people walking toward them, conversing amongst themselves.  No, not walking.  More like floating?  As the group came closer, Jimmy noticed that they all were silvery and translucent.  Are those… ghosts?

He nudged Bobby.  “Are ghosts real?”

A fat ghost smiled.  “Of course, we are, dear boy. But we were once wizards.”

[stabby-apologist]

[nothingbutgog]

GUYS WTF THERES LITERALLY A #fat friar TAG ON TUMBLR

[grits-galraisedinthesouth]

Photos Before Photoshop

Markle is still determined to make her back & shoulders "happen." Royal watchers (mostly gay males) have warned her for years that she does not have the physique to expose her back or line-backer shoulders. Just another example of why she will always Suck-It (suck at it 🍋) & never be a Success---she refuses to listen & accept constructive criticism.

Leatherized face & neck😳

The Suckit 🍋 Squad had instructions to initiate a LUSTFUL Sparry campaign. Markle knows she married the unattractive brother, but to help her own image---she needs to MANIFEST a desirable partner.

Sparry could no longer hide his outter Friar Tuck.

Buble is also friends with NOprah & Gayle

Planned to coincide w/the 1 Year Anniversary of the Worldwide Privacy Tour South Park Episode

Meghan Markle might be the most jealous, insecure and least self-aware person on the planet.

No one needs to inform you that your twig legs do NOT fit inside those riding boots. 👢🐎 copy-Cait

[tolstoythebear]

The lovely Friar Tuck.

[brbgensokyo]

i need to have a stage persona like the bassist from ningen isu

[carewyncromwell]

“Tender lumplings everywhere -- Life's no fun without a good scare! That's our job, but we're not mean In our town of Halloween!”

~“This is Halloween (cover)” by Marilyn Manson

x~x~x~x

Happy Halloween, all! 🎃

I’m currently sick in bed, but I still managed to make this present for all of you...a rewrite of the recent Pumpkin Johnny TSLQ, complete with some much-needed love for my favorite ghost boi and Carewyn’s unofficial brother-in-law, Duncan Ashe! 👻

In my version of events, “Pumpkin Johnny” was a tale circulated at Hogwarts back when Hagrid himself was a boy, a good fifty years ago. It originally was a cautionary tale the Prefects would pass around to keep bullies in line and protect younger students. The idea was that you might tell the tale to warn a group of students against bullying, but if someone was foolish enough to not heed the warning, the Prefect in that person’s house would give them a mild scare on Halloween by dressing up as Pumpkin Johnny and hexing their head into a pumpkin, in retaliation for their cruelty toward other students. Eventually, though, it fell out of fashion, particularly after Hogwarts started experiencing far more dangerous threats like the opening of the Chamber of Secrets and Voldemort’s rise to power. 

When Merula started bullying Ben, however, Hagrid couldn’t help but fall back on telling the old tale as a warning. Unfortunately Merula clearly didn’t get the hint, and Hagrid rather gloomily recounted the whole affair to Dumbledore at the Feast that evening. Who should overhear this, however, but Nearly Headless Nick? Ben’s house ghost was offended by Merula Snyde’s utter lack of respect not only for her fellow classmates (Ben) and teachers (Hagrid), but the dead as well, considering that she heard the story of a poor ghost boy who disappeared tragically after being bullied and thought to mock him. And worse still, he found out, thanks to Peeves snooping, that Merula had recruited Ismelda Murk to help her scare her fellow classmates dressed as Pumpkin Johnny. Soon Nick got the other ghosts of the castle enlisted in his effort to teach Merula Snyde and the students of Hogwarts a lesson. 

Peeves was particularly adept at causing some chaos, of course. First he took one of Hagrid’s pumpkins, smashed it open, and used its innards to draw a grotesque Jack-O-Lantern face on the walls, scrawled over the message, “Pumpkin Johnny is everywhere -- be kind to others, or beware.” Instead of taking the message to heart, Merula saw it as a golden opportunity to scare Penny half to death and hex her head into a pumpkin. She then subsequently did the same to Barnaby, thoroughly intending to hit all of the students who’d been planning to attend Hagrid’s Pumpkin Party, with Ben being dead last. 

So the other house ghosts started leaving messages inside of rotted pumpkins for Merula’s classmates to find -- Nick for Ben; the Friar for Penny and Tonks; the Gray Lady for Tulip; the Baron for Barnaby and Carewyn. The messages made them confront Merula, for they said things like, ���Tell Merula Snyde Pumpkin Johnny is watching” and “Tell Merula Snyde Pumpkin Johnny wants an apology.” Merula tried very hard to play along, saying that clearly, she was a target now too, but she was growing anxious, even as she managed to get Carewyn pumpkined and had Ismelda pumpkin her as well to try to lead people off her trail. 

Finally the ghosts of Hogwarts had had enough. Duncan Ashe pilfered the costume Ismelda and Merula had used to scare their classmates from its hiding spot in the Forbidden Forest, leaving nothing but a small broken pumpkin with a note inside that read “Pumpkin Johnny isn’t laughing.” 

At this point, Ismelda and Merula were officially stuck. They knew someone had found their costume, so someone knew what they did and was now lording it over them, set to get both of them in super big trouble if they told anyone. And worse, they couldn’t even confront Carewyn and her friends for having stolen the costume (as Merula suspected they had) without exposing everything they’d done. And now...now Merula and Ismelda were seeing Pumpkin Johnny all over the place, when no one else seemingly was. 

Ismelda, becoming more and more convinced that Pumpkin Johnny was real, finally broke down and went to Carewyn for help, confessing everything they had done and hadn’t done and begging her to help them pacify Pumpkin Johnny before he hurt her or Merula. And sure enough, Carewyn, Ismelda, and the others arrived to “save” Merula just in time, for she’d collided with Pumpkin Johnny by the Black Lake. 

Merula tried valiantly to duel Pumpkin Johnny, but no blows seemed to affect him -- some spells collided with his pumpkin head or the fabric of his costume, but there seemed to be nothing substantial under them. And worse, there were so many more angry voices ringing out around her, seemingly from nothing, as Pumpkin Johnny swooped down on her -- “Pumpkin Johnny wants an apology” -- “Pumpkin Johnny wants an apology” -- 

"ALL RIGHT!” Merula burst out at last, her eyes flooding with tears of fear and remorse. “ALL RIGHT! I’M SORRY! I just -- I just wanted to scare Copper and Cromwell and their little buddies -- I didn’t want to hurt anyone! I’M SORRY!”

And that, as it turned out, was all it took. In an instant, the Pumpkin Johnny costume fell loose to the ground in a lifeless heap. 

Merula admittedly reacted a lot more tough after Pumpkin Johnny had vanished, insisting that she was not crying and that she absolutely had had that stupid ghost on the run and this whole thing wouldn’t have happened in the first place if everyone hadn’t gotten so into the story of Pumpkin Johnny. But truly, it was clear the experience had shaken her and given her a bit of a reality check about how trying to scare and bully other people could come back to bite her. And it was for that reason, perhaps, that she agreed to go with Ismelda to talk to Professor Snape about the whole thing the next morning, and that Ben, Penny, Barnaby, Tulip, and Tonks ultimately decided that they both deserved to just enjoy the pumpkin party that night and deal with the consequences in the morning.

After everyone else had left, though, Carewyn turned her focus onto the discarded Pumpkin Johnny costume on the ground with a quirked eyebrow. When she approached, a familiar voice emanated from it:

“Did you learn your lesson?”

Carewyn cocked her eyebrows. “Ghosts can be amazingly vindictive.”

A loud, low cackle came out of the costume as the bluish-white translucent shape of Duncan Ashe swept out of the pumpkin, making a face.

“BLEH! Pumpkin Johnny’s come for you next!” he crowed. 

Carewyn covered her mouth with both hands to suppress her giggling. 

“Duncan,” she tried to scold him, “that was really quite mean, you know. You scared Merula within an inch of her life.”

“Hey, that little witch deserved it,” Duncan scoffed. “And it’s not just me that thought so.”

He indicated the other Hogwarts ghosts materializing around him -- Peeves, the Bloody Baron, Nearly Headless Nick, the Gray Lady, the Fat Friar...even Moaning Myrtle and the members of the Headless Hunt. They all took some time to explain everything to Carewyn: how Hagrid had told Dumbledore what had happened and how upset they’d been about Merula’s behavior.

“Pumpkin Johnny was a story so many older students used to play out, to teach their younger classmates to treat each other kindly,” explained the Fat Friar. “I must admit, though, I lament that we frightened the poor girl so badly.”

Peeves blew a raspberry. “Lament? Lament? The Friar’s no-fun! Peevesy still wants more mischief done!”

“Enough,” said the Baron very coldly, and Peeves immediately quieted and hid cowardly behind the Gray Lady. The Gray Lady irritably flicked the Poltergeist away with a flourish of her hand. 

“Merula Snyde was very stubborn in her attempts to bully all of you,” said Nearly Headless Nick regretfully. “Truly, we’d expected her to give up long before we had to go quite this far...”

Duncan scoffed. “I’d say it’s pure justice, really. It was only when she feared for her own safety that she bothered to cop on and realize her actions have real consequences.”

Carewyn sighed. “...I guess that is supposed to be the message of the Pumpkin Johnny story, isn’t it? Your mistakes, and the way you treat other people, may come back to haunt you.”

“Wisely put,” said the Gray Lady with a very small smile. 

Nearly Headless Nick gave Carewyn a bow. “Well, I suppose we’d best leave you to your party, then. Have a lovely evening, Miss Cromwell!”

And with this, all the ghosts disappeared one by one, back toward the castle. Duncan, however, lingered behind, his lips twisted up in a smirk. 

“You’re really not that upset about all of us piling on Merula Snyde, are you?” he asked devilishly.

Carewyn gave a loud huff. “It was wrong of you to scare her, and it was really mean, as well...”

She paused. Then she smiled wryly.

“...But I admit...it’s really nice that you all wanted to do something to help Ben and Hagrid.”

Duncan smiled ever-so-slightly. “Hey, our hearts may no longer be beating, but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel.”

He glanced away a bit uncomfortably.

“...And well...after hearing she’d jinxed your head into a pumpkin too, just to try to lead you off her trail...I figured I really should go ahead and put a stop to it.”

Carewyn blinked in surprise. “Really?”

“Oh come on, I know you didn’t fall for that gombeen’s bad acting!” Duncan said defensively. “I frankly don’t even know why you went with her...” 

Despite this, his translucent cheeks had darkened with an uncomfortable flush and he refused to look Carewyn in the face. 

Carewyn cocked her eyebrows coolly. “I went with Merula because I wasn’t afraid if I got my head jinxed into a pumpkin or not. I knew whoever was doing it couldn’t be the same person warning people to ‘be nice or beware’ -- Penny and Barnaby are two of the nicest people in school. And if Merula had an accomplice, I wanted to figure out who it was.”

“So you just walked right into that chancer’s trap, just to try to learn more about what was going on,” surmised Duncan. “And you claim you’re nothing like Jacob...”

With another tired sigh, the ghost turned away, so as to hide the strange smile that had wound its way into the corners of his lips.

“Well, I’m off. Enjoy your little Pumpkin Party...bloody hell, is that name ridiculous...”

The slight muttered jibe made Carewyn cross her arms, smiling dryly. 

“Happy Halloween, Duncan,” she called very coolly after him.

The ghost didn’t reply, instead simply disappearing back off toward Hogwarts castle, illuminated by the silvery moonlight. 

[artemisia-black]

The Fat Friar is not a friar, or his date of birth is wrong.

On Pottermore, the Fat Friar's life is described as follows:

But much of his life remains a mystery. What we do know is that he was born late into the tenth century, and was sorted into Hufflepuff at Hogwarts – and run by its founders. Some point after finishing his magical education, the Fat Friar – not his real name – joined a mendicant religion as a friar, meaning that he spent his life begging in the name of charity.

The secret lives and deaths of the Hogwarts ghosts | Wizarding World

My issues is how can he be a mendicant friar, when the medicant movement in the church was only recognised by the the second council of Lyon in 1274.

Furthermore, the two great founders of the orders of mendicant friars were St. Dominic, who founded the Dominican order in 1216, and St. Francis of Assisi, who founded the Franciscan order in 1210. Within a generation of their deaths, their institutes had spread throughout Europe and into Asia, and their friars could be numbered by tens of thousands.

So how could the Fat Friar, be born in the 10th Century when his order didn't exist until 200 years later, and there appears to be no equivalent in the early Norman/late Anglo-Saxon church?

[where-they-are-just-and-loyal]

Hufflepuff: *reading from a joke book* Listen to this one, Friar, it’ll kill ya!

The Fat Friar: Well, it’s a little late for that, but go ahead.

[evesaintyves]

@turanga4 wrote this amazing story and gave it to me for my birthday and you should read it:

Unfinished

The Friar looked closely at the boy.  So young, really, like all of them were, even the professors. They reminded him sometimes of mayflies, glass-winged and insubstantial, their lives begun and ended on the same summer day. 

so atmosopheric and cool and just a neat take on who the fat friar is and why he's a ghost and what that's like. read it!

[careofmagicalshippers]

39 | The Crack Chronicles (Part 1) 🤪 (Crack Ships)

w/ Crack-ship Devourer, @phenomenalasterisk

This week is all about Crack Ships! Join Nathan and Phe as they dive into 3 cracky pairings you may never have considered before, but that's crack for you! From silly, whacky Crack to Crack Treated Seriously, fanfiction dives into the silly and outlandish in ways we all love! We hope you enjoy this episode, and there may be more crack ships to come!

Featured Ships ⛵️

Argus Filch/Peeves the Poltergeist

Petunia Dursley/Minerva McGonagall

Enby Fat Friar (Alfonze)/Trans Fem Rubeus Hagrid (Hagrietta)

Connect with us!

website • spotify • apple podcasts • twitter • instagram • mastodon • leave us a voice message!

[ellecdc]

can i request a poly!marauders where the reader just tends to wonder off, like she’s suspended to be in class but she just talking to one of the portraits or just outside staring at the sky and sometimes james and/or sirius follow her so remus has to round them up

so stinkin' cute - thanks for your request lovie!

~please note: my requests are currently closed as I work through some of my older requests~

poly!marauders x fem whimsical!reader

“I don’t mean to alarm you boys,” Marlene started, not looking at all concerned about alarming them in the slightest. “But I think you might be missing a member of your group.”

Sirius and James looked to each other in horror as Remus let out an exasperated sigh.

“Where is she?” Remus asked impatiently.

“I swear she was just behind me...” James admitted, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. 

“She cannot miss lunch, she hardly sat down long enough for breakfast this morning.” Remus commented mostly to himself as he headed back the way he came, hoping to quickly find wherever you’d wandered off to.

Although your whimsy and excitement in life was one of the things the boys most admired about you, it did make Remus worry from time to time that you’d forget to look after yourself.

It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, however, seeing as you had three boyfriends here to help you out on that end. Though, it didn’t speak very highly of them when they kept losing you.

There were very few moments in his life he was particularly grateful for his lycanthropy, but this was perhaps one of them.

He could smell you before he heard you, and he heard you before he saw you. 

He rounded a corner which was disturbingly far from the Great Hall, meaning they’d lost you quite some time ago, and saw you conversing with a portrait of the Fat Friar. 

“From what I’ve learned both in life and in death, forgiveness is not only for the other person, but also for yourself.” The Fat Friar said to you. Remus paused in his steps to enjoy the uninhibited smile that graced your face. 

“Have you ever met someone unworthy of forgiveness, Friar?” You asked, your serene voice drifting down the hallway and gracing Remus’ ears.

“Not in my nearly 1000 years.” He answered.

Your smile grew impossibly wider at that. “Me either.”

Remus couldn’t take it anymore, he resumed his trek towards you, and though he’d been going for stern, he knew his face looked impossibly lovesick as you turned your beaming smile onto him.

“Hi Rem.” You called softly, turning away from the portrait and towards your boyfriend.

“We thought we lost you, dovey.” He reprimanded as he reached for your face, resting one hand on either cheek and tilting your face up towards him.

“I’m never very far.” You answered. Remus was torn between wanting to roll his eyes fondly and thanking you for ensuring that this was true.

“Any amount of space is too far, my love.” He said instead, placing a lingering kiss to your forehead. Your eyes closed and you let out a pleased hum. 

“Why’d you wander off, dove?” He asked as he pulled back, keeping your face secured in his hands and rubbing your cheekbones with his thumbs. 

“I saw a dedalian key fly by, but as I was following it, I saw the portrait of Ferdinand Octavius Pratt who was very upset because the Fat Friar’s ghost insisted that he let go of old grudges. So, I figured I’d ask the Friar his side of the story. And, well, here we are.” You finished, smiling up at him like having him find you here had been your master plan all along.

“Here we are.” He murmured back, wondering how on earth he and his boyfriends managed to land something as impossibly sweet as you. 

Speaking of said boyfriends, Remus’ thoughts were interrupted by the sound of two heavy footfalls as the sods came running up to the two of you.

“There you are dollface! We were worried sick.” Sirius proclaimed as he all but shoved Remus out of the way and took his place, holding your face in his hands and peppering your head with kisses.

You giggled and pulled back slightly, which Sirius allowed but kept you safe within his grasp.

“You needn’t worry, Sirius. I was in wonderful company.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow and Remus translated for him.

“She was busy talking to the Fat Friar when I found her.”

Sirius nodded in understanding before he narrowed his eyes at you. “He wasn’t making moves on you, was he?”

You laughed as if Sirius had made some very funny joke, and Remus laughed along with you even though he could tell Sirius wasn’t  entirely convinced. 

“I’m sorry we lost you, angel.” James said somewhat meekly. Remus knew though that he was mostly apologizing to Remus and less to you.

“That’s quite alright Jamie.” You assured him. “I would have found you later.”

Some tension left James’ shoulders as he smiled at you, sharing a shy glance with Remus before continuing. “You didn’t eat much for breakfast since you were so excited about the Grindylow’s hatching, so...” He said as he pulled out a tote bag from behind his back. “Pads and I ran to the kitchens and packed a picnic. Would you like to head down to the Black Lake now?”

If Remus’ heart grew two sizes at the sentiment, yours must have grown three.

“Oh, Jamie!” You nearly squealed, pulling him into a hug that he eagerly reciprocated. 

“I’d love that! Thank you!” You cheered, stepping back towards Sirius who quickly hooked your arm in his – a guarantee that he wouldn’t lose you this time.

“After you then, m’lady.” Sirius said seductively with a wink, causing you to giggle again as the two of you turned and headed towards the school grounds. 

Remus quickly pulled James up against his side and pressed a kiss into his hair.

“You’re such a sweet boy, James Potter.” He murmured, feeling the fondness ooze right out of his being for this man he somehow got to call his. 

“Yeah?” James asked, sending Remus a beaming smile.

Remus smiled and accepted a searing kiss from the quidditch chaser.

James let out a pleased sigh as he pulled out of the kiss and walked in step with Remus, looking ahead to watch you and Sirius nearly skip down the hall. It was incredibly lighthearted, though Remus noticed Sirius possessively pull you into his side as you two walked past the ghost of the Fat Friar who exchanged nothing more than a polite head nod with you.

“We’re so lucky.” James commented.

Remus couldn’t help but agree.

[certainsaturn]

Real Madrid youngsters HP! AU

Vini Jr. in HP! au who tends to get into fights. Always invited to parties (especially after his quidditch team lost). Plays as a seeker in the team. Always sneaking out after curfew just to slack around. Only got caught one time by Filch because the portraits snitched. He ran away from punishment(which is to accompany Hagrid into the Forbidden Forest) and hid in the girls bathroom where he met Moaning Myrtle for the first time. She gave him the ick with all the giggling and pestering questions so he just went back to Hagrid. Secretly likes Divination. He only took it because Rodrygo asks him to. Will never admit it out loud. He can’t say no to his good friend. He met Rodrygo on the train during their first enrolment into Hogwarts. He ate a lot of liquorice wands and puked on some random girl. Rodrygo helped him out. Became friends with him eversince.

Rodrygo in HP! au is very kind towards the professors. He dislikes Snape teaching methods though. Herbology is his favorite subject. A lot of 1st years admires him. When Vini causes trouble he will always have to pull him out. He respects the house elves and will personally go the kitchens to thank them for the wonderful meal. During his first year where he has to handle Mandrakes, he is the only one abled to do the steps properly. During Charms he is partnered up with Jude and Vini. Got his arm broken because Jude used Wingardium Laviosa on him and made him fall from the ceiling, unintentionally. Forgave Jude and became friends with him cause he don't hold grudges. (He is aware that Jude is well known so he'll just use the advantage to be friends with him). When it comes to dueling he is one of the best probably after Aurelien. Has wide knowledge on hexes and jinxes. Even poltergeist don't want to mess with him.

Aurelien Tchouameni in HP! au is a moozologist(?) wannabe. He loves his dog so much he sneaks him to school during his 4th year. Got caught by Ms. Norris after 2 days. Despises Snape. Top student in his classes. A beater in the quidditch team. Begs Hagrid to give him 1 to 1 lessons on Care of Magical Creatures so he can be one step ahead of everyone else. People call him crazy for wanting to train a Zouwu(?). Destroyed his Nimbus 2000 which he bought using his own money when he went on a solo adventure at 4th year to find Dragons. He didn't think he'll find one...but he did and it ended terribly. Sneaks around at night with the gang and deliberately get caught so they all can attend the lesson. The gang gave him silent treatment for not telling them about this earlier but they all end up liking it after a while. Met Newt Scamander once and got his book signed and has bragged to everyone about it. He talks a lot and do analysis on people that he wants to be friends with. He often get discounts when going to shops at Diagon Alley and Hogsmade.

Jude Bellingham in HP! au is Hogwarts’s heartthrob. In his 6th year he got almost got spiked with a love potion. If it wasn’t for Aurelien to stop him from drinking the drink. Transfiguration is his biggest enemy. He learned to be an animagus and ended up getting a badger as his animagus. Hates the whole subject for that. Got hundreds of love letters and items laced with love potions or jinxed sent to him daily. An ace student in DADA, so he has no problems in handling those items. Talks loudly when he gets excited (Snape overhears him everytime and will smack his head). The fat friar will hold him long enough from entering the dorms to flirt with him. Crashes in other houses dorms because of this. Failing herbology and even Rodrygo can't help him. Wants to be an Auror after he graduates. But he is unsure now because he doesn't want to continue taking potions after O.W.L.s

Eduardo Camavinga in HP! au is the friendliest guy in Hogwarts. McGonagall's favorite student despite being a troublemaker. The potraits love it when he walks by talking loudly because his stories are all interesting to them. He is clumsy at potions, always got the ingredients mixed up. But his best friend Aurelien is there to help him. Caused the school to flood one time after using the wrong jinx. McGonagall punished him to clean the owlery without the use of magic. Found the room of requirement when he was running away from Filch after harmlessly pranking him. He thinks its a prank and got scared so he never go near that corridor again. Surprisingly got asked out to the yule ball from the Beauxbaton girls. Quidditch commentator. Very biased with his team too. His boggart is his little brother getting hurt from his pranks. The advantage of being McGonagall's favorite has turned him into a Transfiguration facilitator to the group. He once cloned himself to 12s of him...just to mess around with people. The group respects him for that.

i hope yall like this. im pretty satisfied with myself after writing this. the headcanons came from my pure imagination. also got inspired by @g-xix 's amp X harry potter headcanons so i decided to make my own for the boys.

©certainsaturn2024

[flamboyantly-incompetent]

OoTP, Chapter 1 - A Hesitant Offer

Draco Malfoy x Hufflepuff!Reader

Warnings: none?

Masterlist

Word Count: 1948

Note: Welcome to the first chapter of my Draco x Reader series! Starts in Order of the Phoenix at the beginning of school term.

Ever since arriving at Hogwarts in your first year, you've had to come to terms with your nigh nonexistent sense of direction. That, coupled with the changing staircases, and Peeves' unfortunate habit of blocking several corridors with a single tantrum, meant that most days you had to leave the Hufflepuff common room at least twenty minutes before anyone else did.

This morning was no different. As you shouldererd your bag and climbed out of the round door, beginning your journey to Herbology 5, your friends waved at you from their cozy seats by the fire. They all had this period free, and had offered to walk you to the greenhouse several times, but in all truth you didn't mind wandering the castle halls before other students were about to disturb them. You liked meeting new paintings and ghosts, some more forthcoming than others, and some willing to give you directions. Early last year, the Fat Friar had personally shown you to your first Divination lesson.

September was quite nippy in the Scottish Highlands, but the castle was kept warm by strategically placed fire places, and the greenhouses varied on the climates of the plants within. The walk between the castle and the greenhouses, however, was a wind tunnel to be feared all year round.

In a stroke of good luck, you found your way on the first try, and the vegetable patches were in sight long before any other students. The sunlight was pleasant in that early morning way, and the wind was as brutal as ever. You pulled your robes tighter around yourself. As you passed, you peered across the way to note how the courgettes were doing - there were several that looked ready to harvest. The image of steaming courgette and tomato gratin filled your mind, and you smiled wistfully. Then, your stomach rumbled and you could only think of regretting skipping breakfast.

Voices in a tense discussion bled out from greenhouse 5, and you grimaced. It sounded like Professor Sprout was talking to a fifth year about their O.W.L.s.

"I am sorry," Professor Sprout said, though her tone suggested she was not sorry at all, "that you are displeased with your marks. However, I stand by them, and will not be grading anything on a 'curve' this year."

The frustrated student replied, "I didn't know you could get a T! What does that even mean?"

"Well, Mr. Malfoy, a T stands for 'Troll.' It means a troll could've written your essay." You tried to stifle a snort of laughter. Which essay was she talking about? Surely not the essay on self-fertalizing shrubs - that one had taken you two reference books and a single hour to complete. Granted, you'd only received an E, but your parchment was a quarter inch too short.

You stopped by the greenhouse door, wondering if you should interrupt their discussion, or if somehow listening in was better.

"That's insulting!" Malfoy said, "They're bushes that consume their own shit - what more is their to say?"

"Five points from Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy. I expect more from my O.W.L. students." There was some silence. You took this opportunity to enter the room. Professor Sprout smiled at you; you smiled back awkwardly, and put your things down in an effort to avoid eye contact with Malfoy and prepare for the lesson. Professor Sprout continued, more quietly but you could still hear, "As it is still early in the term, I will accept a rewritten assignment due in one week. And I highly recommend you find yourself a tutor. As I'm sure you've guessed, I only accept students with passing marks into Advanced Herbology."

Behind you, a few other students, Ravenclaws, shuffled in also trying not to eavesdrop.

Malfoy huffed away from Professor Sprout and stomped up to some other Slytherins, arms crossed and muttering. "Tutor," he spat. They looked at him quizzically. "Just wait until my father hears about this."

Ah, now you recognized him.

Professor Sprout cleared her throat from the back of the greenhouse and the class quieted, Malfoy still glowering by the door. "Today, we'll be attempting to produce high quality smoke from the fire breathing snapdragons you've been attending to. Go on, fetch your plants. Excellent. Now, the key to a good smoke is a high soil pH, and immediate watering after a bout of fire breath. There are a number of ways to do this, so have fun and try your best. Professor Snape has requested whatever we harvest today be added to the potions' store room, so capture the smoke in these." She gestured to a collection of glass bottles with marble stoppers to her left, then shooed you all to begin your work.

From your bag, you produced the pestle and mortar your mum had sent you for Christmas first year, and set it next to your snapdragons. They were glowing softly, the red flowers pulsating with a white light. There was a canister of chunk limestone in the corner; you waited patiently while a Ravenclaw student poked through it, presumably looking for a piece the right size. Across the room, Malfoy looked lost, and so did his friends. You tried to ignore it.

You plopped a reasonable hunk of limestone into the mortar and began to grind it into as fine a powder as you could muster. Then, you sprinkled the powder around the base of the plant, working it into the the soil gently with a trowel, and took out your wand - 10 and 3/4 inches of chestnut with a unicorn hair core, quite bendy. Limestone generally raised soil pH slowly, so you'd have to help it along.

You drew a circle clockwise with your wand and whispered, "Longius ire." The snapdragons responded well, the tips of the outer petals now a stable purple.

"Aguamenti," you said, wand tapping a watering can. Nothing happened. You frowned and said again, more forcefully, "Aguamenti!" A small, pitiful stream, a few drops really, fell from your wand onto the thin metal. Sighing, you carried the empty can to the hand-cranked water pump outside. As you passed, you glanced at Malfoy's plant. The tips of his flowers had turned a sick green color.

You returned to your snapdragons with a full watering can and a glass bottle. You prodded a couple flowers with your wand, the white glow they gave off turning yellow, then orange, until finally they ignited into tiny bursts of flame. The moment the last flower died out, you doused the whole thing with water, and gathered the plum-colored smoke into the bottle by swirling it with your wand. The snapdragon shook off the excess droplets grumpily, and you put the marble stopper back in the bottle and looked around.

A fair few other students had successfully bottled the smoke, and most looked to be the right color. You labeled the bottle "Y/L/N" and stood to turn it in.

Then you smelled something horribly acrid. It was Malfoy's plant. He'd succeeded in coaxing the flowers to produce flame, but the smoke was all wrong. You coughed and covered your nose with the sleeve of your robes, as did most people around him.

"Stupid bloody plant," he muttered.

By the end of class, you'd produced another bottle of smoke, and continued to watch Malfoy struggle pitifully. The glass of the greenhouse shuddered as the bell tolled in the distance, and in unison the class stood up and began filing out of the room. You threw a look behind you. Malfoy was shooing the other Slytherins away, holding a bag of something or other.

Before you really knew what you were doing, you'd weaved through Malfoy's gruff looking friends and approached him, asking, "What's that?"

He turned and scowled at you. "Why?" But you could clearly see the label. Leaf mold.

"It just seems like you could use some help. Did you know that leaf mold makes soil more acidic?"

"That's why I'm using it, to raise the pH. Duh."

You sputtered, "N-no, acidic is low - a high pH is alkaline."

"Oh." Malfoy looked down for a moment, then knit his brows together and said, "Well it's stupid-"

"Look, you need a tutor and I'm offering. What'd'ya say?"

He looked you up and down appraisingly, and you regretted offering your help with every passing second. "Why?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Why do you want to help me? What do you want?"

"OK, I definitely don't know what you mean. We can meet Saturday? I can help you rewrite your essay that I... overheard you... and Professor Sprout talking about." He opened his mouth to speak, looking even more affronted. "Just meet me here Saturday morning after breakfast. These are all open to Hufflepuffs on weekends."

Seemingly forgetting whatever he'd wanted to say a moment ago, he said, "I thought this was a Slytherin - Ravenclaw class."

"Oh. I'm a fourth year. This was the only Herbology five that fit into my schedule. I'm sorry, I've gotta go - double Potions - we have a deal?"

Malfoy glanced around at the empty greenhouse. "I don't even know who you-"

"Y/N." You edged out the door. You really did have to run, quite literally if this conversation didn't wrap up soon. "See you Saturday!"

Thanks to another broad stroke of luck, you ran into your friends on the way to your shared Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff double potions class, and made it with minutes to spare. After the lesson, you decided to swing by Professor Sprout's office to, hopefully, get some guidance for tutoring for an O.W.L. you hadn't even thought to worry about yet.

Like Hagrid, your head of house had her own private garden, though it was a series of rooftop patches that grew a variety of rare and occasionally dangerous plants. Not a pumpkin in sight. This year, there was a newly installed aquaponics tank growing a mass of thriving, slithering and hissing venomous snake plants. You gave them a wide berth as you crossed the garden to the office door and knocked.

"Come in!" rang a warm voice from inside. Professor Sprout smiled warmly at you from her desk when you opened the door to her small office. "Hello, dear. Have a seat. What can I help you with?"

Inside, the office was overfull of house plants, none of which were practical in any sense, but they were clearly cared for with love. You dodged an enchanted watering can and sat down. "Well, I just wanted to let you know that I've offered some tutoring to Draco Malfoy. And I was wondering if you had a list or something of the things the O.W.L.s should cover?"

She clapped her hands together, clearly pleased. "Excellent. I was hoping someone would take pity on him. I have some notes around here somewhere. One moment." She began rifling around in her desk drawers and continued, "Not a helpless case, that boy, I suspect he just needs a bit more attention than I can afford to pay him. It doesn't help of course that the gentle study of magical flora is often written off as a lesser one. Aha! Here it is. I expect you've seen most of these, but let me know if you need anything once you get going." She handed you a list of scribbled plant names entitled 4 OWLS. She was right - your mum grew most of these for her shop. This should be a cinch.

"Thanks, Professor."

"Of course, Miss Y/L/N. Was there anything else?"

A slow, giddy smile grew on your lips. "I wondered if you could show me the new aquaponics setup?"

She grinned. "Come with me."

[tolstoythebear]

Friar Tolstoy