#feel like i've been stressing about that every single year since i moved here

[tenrose]

Just turned on the heating for the first time of the season... Already seeing money running away through the window 🙃

[winterchimez]

A Little Care | Lee Sangyeon

SUMMARY: you have been awfully stressed out with work lately, and your boyfriend notices how it has affected you negatively, so he finally decides to give you some care for the night.

PAIRING: bf Sangyeon x f!reader

GENRE: smut (18+ MDNI!!)

WARNINGS: kissing, making out, fingering, oral (f!reader receiving), nipple play, cum tasting (f! reader), p in v sex, unprotected sex (pls do it safely irl folks)

WORD COUNT: 2,253

A/N: so i know i've said from the beginning how i would never write smut... well, something snapped and things happened so here we are 🤡 huge shoutout to my loves @sungbeam & @juyeonszn for proofreading this & reassuring me that it's okay ily both 😭🩵 this is my very first smut, so pls bear with me ><

update!! i've moved my nsfw works to @midnightfantasiez so do drop by and read my other works & say hi 🥰

The pouring rain that was hitting the train windows was making you ten times worse than you already were. 

It has been such a hectic few weeks for you at the office, but today was the worst of them all. Apparently, your director has been disregarding their employees' well-being and instead kept giving every single one of you more workload than you could’ve possibly endured. They have also made it clear that there will be no exception for losing the deadlines as they are now finally trying their awful best to fix up the company’s image before their subsidiary arrives in Seoul in the coming weeks for a visit. 

Hence, you have been working way overtime each day at the office, and by the time you have gotten home, it was already late enough to the point that most times, you would immediately crash onto your bed and skip dinner. 

Even spending less time with your boyfriend, Sangyeon.

You both have been in a relationship for two years and recently moved in together at the start of the year as Sangyeon managed to transfer to another branch much closer to where you lived. You were thrilled, to say the least, because that would save you plenty of time to take the one-hour bus ride to the city he used to work in back then. 

Ever since moving in with Sangyeon, he has been absolutely the best towards you. He noticed how your hours were much more tedious than he was, and he offered to cook dinner for most of the days while you were in charge of making the lunch boxes for you both since he would be home first than you most of the time. He was also already in his seventh year working for his company, so as one of the higher-ups, his timing was much more flexible, and he basically worked from home at least three times a week. 

Sangyeon has definitely noticed the change in you. Every time he brings it up, you have decided to turn him down instead, saying how you would rather not talk about it and move on to other much more pleasant topics that you both loved—music, films, and some random cafes that you both found on social media where you both would like to pay a visit on your next weekend date. 

And he respected your decision. Even during your weekly Sunday dates with one another, only a little about work would be mentioned, and you both would have the best days with one another, walking hand-in-hand through the streets while munching on your favourite bubble waffles topped off with ice cream. 

But it seemed as if something had snapped within you today. Your emotions were all over the place, and you just couldn’t wait to get back home and dive into his embrace. 

I just want some cuddles and comfort for the love of God.

“Hey, babe! Welcome home!” 

Sangyeon immediately popped his head out from the kitchen and peered through the door when he heard you unlocking the door open. He quickly approached you while turning the stove off and took your bags into his hands instead. 

“How’s my baby today?” He gave you the biggest smile that you have always loved. His radiant smile would always melt away all your negativity and make you feel much better. 

What he did not expect today was that you immediately dived into his embrace, with tears you have been desperately holding back for the entire day streaming down your face. 

He was pretty taken aback for sure, for the only time you would ever do this was when you two were both cuddling watching a sad film or when you finally got promoted at your job a year prior. Given your demeanour, he knew that something was wrong. 

“Baby… it’s ok. You know you can let it all out, right? You don’t have to hold them back no more.” He cooed while wrapping his arms around you, rubbing your back to calm you down. 

“Sangyeon… I… Why is it just so hard to be happy with my work?” You sniffed, trying your best to talk through your tears. 

“I’ve joined the company because I admired their work ethic and environment. Why is it so different from what I have imagined? Why do fame and money bring out the ugliest in people? Why do they have zero empathy towards our employees who work so hard for them?” 

You were a crying mess, and you just couldn’t stop blabbing out the most profound thoughts you have had for several weeks. You were the type to bottle up your emotions, and you would instead take them to the grave and figure them out yourself. You knew it was your bad trait, which led to you not giving yourself enough time and care towards your physical and mental well-being. And the last thing you want to do is trouble your sweetheart, who has done so much for you. 

But tonight, you have decided that enough was enough, and you couldn’t care less if you finally showed your boyfriend your weakest moment because you just did not have the strength to keep it up anymore. 

When your breathing stabilised, Sangyeon finally cups your face to lift it and look straight into his eyes. “Baby, I’m so sorry you had to go through the shittiest management and deal with their nasty jobs. I may be unable to loosen your workload, but I can surely take care of you if that’s what you want.” 

“But you always take care of me, Sangyeon.” You sniffed.

“I know. But, maybe tonight I could give you some special treatment.” 

You giggled and wiped your tears away. “Okay, and what is this special treatment? Will you give me a spa day?”

It was there, and then you noticed how your boyfriend’s eyes had somewhat slightly darkened, and he was now eyeing both your lips and neck. He then gently drops your belongings onto one of the chairs nearby, and his hands now find their way to pull down the turtleneck top you were wearing.  

“Something much better than a spa day.” 

The next thing that happens, he crashes his lips onto yours, savouring them like there’s no tomorrow. This was different, much more different than what you were used to. Sure, you both have had plenty of kisses with one another, even having slow and sensual ones where you would have each other’s tongues in your mouth. But this was different. It seemed a lot more hasty and perhaps accompanied by lust. 

The soft and sweet Sangyeon you have been accustomed to was gone. Instead, he looked like a beast, thirsty and hungry, as if he had not been fed for a while. 

From the back of your mind, you knew you had to stop and question what turned him on. But with the way his tongue wrapped around yours and he was leaving no room for you to catch your breath, it was impossible for you to think straight at the moment. 

His hands now travel down to your hips, and he eventually forces you to jump and wrap your legs around him as he lays you on the countertop. That was when one of his hands slowly reached down, massaged one of your thighs, and eventually moved to your underwear. 

You gasped and were about to stop him, but he beat you to it. He rubbed your clit, all puffy and pink and sensitive, turning him on even more than before. 

“Baby, just trust me,” he cooed and proceeded to pick up his speed. At the same time, he breaks off the kiss and moves his lips down to your neck, sucking your bare skin. Your moans were getting out of control, each getting louder as his fingers worked their way around your tight opening. When you were finally relaxed enough to his liking, he inserted two fingers into you, earning a loud gasp as you tilted your head back. His fingers plunged in and out of you, his pace increasing. 

You couldn’t think straight. How could you? When your boyfriend is literally fingering you while sucking your neck at the same time. It felt so wrong, yet it felt so good at the moment. 

“S-sangyeon… please…”

“Tell me what you want baby.” 

“I... I want you… down there…” 

Immediately, he smirked and pulled his fingers out as he positioned himself right between your thighs. “I never knew you had this within you, baby. And I’m loving it a whole lot.” 

Sangyeon brings himself towards your clit, licking and kissing while inserting his fingers back into your hole. It did not take him long to insert his tongue into your opening. 

Dear God, you were in heaven. 

“M-more.. Sangyeon… don’t stop.. aaah–” 

As he quicked his pace, and so did your breathing and moans. It wasn’t for long when you finally came, and Sangyeon did his best trying to savour all of your juices. He then lifts his head back up to look at you while diving his lips back onto yours for you to savour the taste of your own cum.

“Baby, you taste so good. How about a round two?”

One thing led to another, and now you were lying naked on your bed. You have been with Sangyeon for two years and have never been naked in front of your boyfriend. And it was also your first time to see how glorious his body proportions were and how refined his muscles and abs were. 

He slowly climbs onto you and lays his hands on your bare skin. You shivered at the contact, you never knew your boyfriend would be so skilled with those glorious hands of his, touching and massaging every bit and corner of your body. He eventually finds their way to your breasts, which you have covered up by wrapping your arms around you. He slowly takes them apart to reveal your bare breasts to him.

“Why would you cover these up? You look so goddamn beautiful to me right now.” 

His lips dove to your right while his hands massaged your left. He circled around your hardened nipples while giving them a little suck every few rounds. You did not know how much your body would react to such a simple action of his, your toes curling and arching at the stimulation. It turned you on so much, and you dug your fingers into his soft brown hair to push him down to suck on them more. 

His free hand now travels back down onto your clit, rubbing it slowly once again to keep you nice and loose. 

“Baby... do you trust me?” 

That was when you opened your eyes and clearly noticed his big bulge poking throughout his boxers, eager to make its way into you. God, you were about to lose your virginity now for real. 

“I... I don’t know, Sangyeon. I’m scared.” 

“Don’t be. I’ll be gentle. And I made you a promise that I will take care of you.” he murmured while giving a gentle squeeze to your hips. 

With that, you slowly nodded before Sangyeon eventually pulled his boxers down, revealing his hardened cock. He slowly lines himself up with your entrance, rubbing your core to capture all your wetness. 

He peered up at you. “Babe. Are you ready?” 

Blinking, you had to take a moment to suck in a massive breath before nodding your head. In one swift movement, he pushes his member into your tight walls, earning a loud whimper from you. Your body quivered at the contact, and your boyfriend came down to you, wiping your tears away. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ll give you a few moments to adjust. Hmm?” Even while you both were doing the deed, he was still considerate and ensured you felt comfortable and safe above anything else. 

As you tried calming your breathing down again, you finally gave him a nod, meaning he could proceed. He started slow, dragging his member in and out of your pussy for you to get used to it, all while showering you with plenty of kisses on your lips and around your face. 

When your whimpers slowly turn into soft moans, you let him know that he could pick up the pace. The pain that once bothered you was now long gone and was replaced with pleasure. Your fingers in his hair slid down to his bare back, and you couldn’t help but slightly dig your nails into his skin, which turned him on more. 

“S-sangyeon… faster…” you begged him; you were desperately trying to reach that high.

“Are you sure—you can handle it—baby?” He asked in between his groans. 

“Y-yes.. I want… more…” You replied weakly. 

Your wish was his command, and both of your moans now filled your room and the entire apartment. 

“I-I’m.. cumming.. Sangyeon..”

“Me too, babe—where—do you want me—”

“In..inside... please!” 

Immediately, after a few more thrusts, both of you came together. Sangyeon then leans down and buries his face in the crook of your neck, both of you trying your best to catch your breath. When you both finally came down on your high, your boyfriend broke off the silence. 

“So, did I somewhat manage to care for you today, princess?” 

You turned your head to lock your eyes with him before planting a soft peck on his lips. 

“You have done more than care for me, my prince.”

A/N: i will pretend that i did not write this at all goodbye—

masterlist

taglist: @deoboyznet @kflixnet @k-films @flwoie @hokupi @zzoguri @kyusqult @tinkerbell460 @cheonsafics @sulkygyu @jaerisdiction

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for agreeing to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding even though I think she's making a huge mistake?

(Emojis so I recognize it 👰‍♀️💍🤵)

So my (24F) cousin Anna (21F) got engaged at the start of December. This was really surprising to me because the last time I saw her at Thanksgiving she was just starting to get back into dating via tinder after a couple bad breakups, and she wasn't actively seeing anyone yet. When I got home for Christmas break, my mother told me that Anna had gotten engaged to and moved in with her new boyfriend, Evan (~22/23M), an army guy she'd met three weeks before and that no one but her immediate family had even met yet.

Our family has always been pretty close, and this was concerning for a lot of reasons. 1) she literally just had a nasty breakup with her rebound boyfriend after a nasty breakup with her last long-term relationship, making this guy her 4th serious boyfriend this year, 2) she historically has very bad taste in men, every boyfriend she has ever had had treated her horribly and she ties her entire self-worth up into how her boyfriend sees her so she's literally never been single for more than a couple weeks since high school, 3) her older sister (28F) literally just left a 13 year abusive relationship with the guy who started grooming her when she was 15 and he was 28, 4) the groom is about to ship out for a 9 month deployment a month after their March wedding and military men are notorious for cheating or divorcing on long deployments, 5) she wants her dream wedding in March (giving us only 2 months to plan and fundraise), despite her parents already being in tight financial straits bc they started building a house right before unexpectedly needing to take in and help provide for their eldest daughter and her two kids and both my grandparents (who live with them) having sudden drops in their health to the point where my grandfather probably will pass in the next couple months and my grandmother could pass at any time (though tbf, were pretty sure no one has told Anna this since my grandparents don't want to scare her and her mom's in denial).

I also just really don't like the groom bc the one time I met him he made a ton of racist and homophobic jokes despite there being multiple black and queer family members present, but if that were the only thing I could probably bite my tongue since I don't think that's something that bothers her or anyone else in the family. I'm just really worried about her, since it seems like she's been going through something for a while and I know how hard this is on my whole family, especially my grandparents, since we all are really scared about what's going to happen to her if things go wrong and considering the circumstances, that's a good chance this will go wrong.

I want to make it clear, I do really want this to work out for her. She's head over heels in love and he seems to care about her too. I just don't expect it to go well and I've said as much to anyone who asked how I feel about it.

Here's where I could be the asshole: Anna's really having a hard time with the entire family telling her this is a bad and impulsive idea, feeling like everyone who has a problem with it isn't supporting her. She called and asked me to be a bridesmaid, specifically because "you've always looked out for and supported me even when no one else did, so I really want you to be my bridesmaid." I told her I would love to be there and support her however she wanted me to, and I fully intend to be the best bridesmaid I can be because I want this to be a happy memory for her and to take as much stress off her and her parents as possible. But now she thinks I support this marriage when I definitely don't and have been open about that with both our moms as well as her sister (the maid of honor), my SIL (also a bridesmaid), and my brother (a groomsman), all of whom are in the same boat.

So, am I the asshole for agreeing to be my cousin's bridesmaid while thinking she's making a big mistake?

What are these acronyms?

[sensitiveheartless]

20 questions for fic writers!

Tagged by @feralrookie! :D Thank you for the tag!!

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

10! (technically, kinda)

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

379,547

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Just Bungou Stray Dogs! It's also the first fandom I've written for, actually. :D

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

This is how it feels to take a fall (Dazai goes feral, time shenanigans)

Plate :( (Dazai breaks a plate, experiences emotions)

Dazai and the Moving Detective Agency (Howl's Moving Castle AU)

Chuunyaa's Pawsitively Catastrophic Day (Chuuya is turned into a cat, it's short and pretty much just shenanigans)

Wish in one hand (First fic I wrote, and the first one I posted — Dazai has emotions about handholding)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, but I've been absolutely terrible at it lately — whenever I'm particularly stressed I start worrying that the negative emotions are going to leak through into what I'm writing and make my tone sound weird, so then I end up turtling in on myself and not saying anything at all, no matter how much I want to engage with people. It's a bad habit, and I want to work on it, so I'm gonna try to catch up on comments! (I treasure every single one of the ones I receive, so for anyone who has left a comment and hasn't gotten a response from me yet, thank you and I am very sorry about my inability to form words in a timely manner skdjfksd)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably An Unsent Letter, since it's pretty much just a short snippet of Dazai being sad while he's leaving the mafia. And even with that one, I have in my head that skk still get together after the four years apart, I just didn't write it. I am dreadful with sad endings — although the ending to "This is how it feels to take a fall" is a little bittersweet, perhaps.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm...I'm gonna say Dazai and the Moving Detective Agency, because it's the one with the longest buildup, so I think it has the most catharsis, at least for me! But I tend to give all of my fics happy endings because, as established, I am a wimp when it comes to hardcore angst. I will say that Zut Alors I Have Missed One is probably a contender for happiest as well, just because that fic had no angst whatsoever and was just Unhinged

8. Do you get hate on fic?

Nope! Everyone's been lovely! I have gotten some for my art, but honestly it was pretty toothless and I couldn't take it seriously lol

9. Do you write smut?

...Yeh. :0 There was an attempt, at least — one fic, and I made it anonymous (so on the extreme off-chance that anyone notices a discrepancy between my total ao3 wordcount listed here and the summed up wordcounts of the fics viewable on my profile, that's why!) It's also another fic I need to finish, I hit my writing roadblock with that one at the same time as all my others, and it's almost doneeee I just need my brain to cooperate >:|

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not any proper crossovers, only things like the Howl AU and the Little Mermaid AU, where I took the settings/plots and put in BSD characters.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

...Possibly? I'm not actually sure, I've given a couple people permission, but I'm not sure if anything came of that, I haven't heard one way or another :0 I do have a tendency to use puns, which I realize might make things difficult for translations

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, not so far — and given how tempestuous my schedule has been, it'll probably be a while before I attempt anything like that! Sounds fun, though

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

...I mean, it's gotta be soukoku, because for all that I've enjoyed a lot of fictional pairings before (for example, Howl and Sophie specifically from the HMC books, Beatrice and Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing — I like bickering duos, what do you know — Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane, currently falling down the Hualian rabbithole because I'm reading Heaven Official's Blessing with my friend, and there's lots of other ones), for as much as I like all those, I haven't really had much of an urge to write anything for them.

So, purely in terms of me wanting to mess around with two characters and write them over and over and over again, it's really only skk! They hit the exact right combination of braincells, I guess lololol

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but probably won't?

Hmmm...honestly, most of my WIPs I still intend to finish at some point or another — first priority being the ones I've already started posting, of course! Although...just due to time constraints, I might not get around to writing the thief!Chuuya/detective!Dazai one I was planning a while back. (and I mean a WHILE lol) I didn't write very much of it, and honestly most of the reason I wanted to write it was for comedy — so maybe I'll turn it into a short comic series instead, because I do think some of the bits were funny :0

16. What are your writing strengths?

That's a hard one; I tend to look more at the ways I want to improve my writing then at what I like about it, and I nitpick just about everything I create, art and writing alike. But if I had to pick something, I would probably say dialogue? That tends to be what I write easiest, at least. I still want to get better at that too, though.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions and action scenes. I've been making myself write them more, so I think I'm slowly improving (the Howl AU has been great for that! It pushed me to write all sorts of scenes I wouldn't have normally :D ), but those two things remain what I get bogged down by the most.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Depends on the circumstances, I think? I'd include translations if I did. I do tend to include Japanese honorifics when I'm writing in the canon universe, because there's not really english equivalents and it feels like I'm leaving something out when I just do their names straight — although I did take them out when I was doing the Howl AU and the Little Mermaid AU, just as a setting thing.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Bungou Stray Dogs — like I mentioned in the ship section, this is the first fandom where I've really felt the urge. Although I did write things when I was little that very blatantly yoinked in various creatures and concepts from the things I was reading and watching, which resulted in stories with pirates and weeping angels and Ringwraiths all running around in the same place. But I didn't usually bother with bringing in actual characters from those pieces of media, or even using the settings, I just made ocs and had them run around in my own made up world.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I like all of them for different reasons, but I think my favorite overall has to be Dazai and the Moving Detective Agency. It's the longest thing I've ever written, and when I started out I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it — so the fact that it's most of the way done (currently chipping away at the epilogue, it is getting to be a LOT of words) makes me really happy. And it's just been so much fun! Writing characters I hadn't before, piecing the world together, working out the magic system, writing Dazai being a mess and Chuuya being cool, it's all been a blast. And I seriously need to finish the epilogue, because the followups are living in my brain and they demand to be freed aksdfjksdjfk

But yeah! I'm not sure how many writers I know on here have already been tagged, so I'll just go open tags on this one! :D If any of y'all write and feel like doing this, then go for it!

[citrusses]

January: 2023 Wrapped 🎁🍊

*some* of my favorite 2023 fics, by month they were published (or started to publish, or finished publishing, it's arbitrary bc i make the rules), plus some thoughts on what made these fics so special.

January | February | March | April, May, June | July | August | September | October | November | December

Chicken Shop Date by @sorrybutblog (T, 2K)

Draco and Harry sit down for an interview. Or is it a date?

This is such a fun premise and the Harry/Draco banter just sizzles. The atmosphere is so rich! 2K words of perfection that pack an outsized punch.

Close Behind by @oflights (M, 134K)

To rescue Draco from the Underworld, Harry has to look forward. Unfortunately, Draco has to look back.

A masterpiece that deconstructs every relationship in the HP universe and then rebuilds it, that does mind-boggling things with narrative structure, that stressed me out so badly I felt physically ill, that was so moving it left me bursting into tears for days after I read it, that had the funniest single line I've read in a fic maybe ever. So far reading this is the only time I've ever checked the tags on a fic for "happy ending" because I was so emotionally overwhelmed by it that I needed to know it would be ok in the end. I can't overstate how much I love this one.

For Lack of Wanting by @fluxweeed (E, 8K)

Over the last ten years, I’ve worked hard to become a better person. I hate being reminded of who I used to be. But Harry likes it when I’m mean.

A gorgeous, painful story that explores a kind of Harry/Draco dynamic that's not seen as often in fics (a SAD one), but is done exceptionally well here. It hurts so good!

Nights With You by @the-sinking-ship (E, 58K)

Draco is mortified when moments prior to departing for the most anticipated destination wedding of the year, he is cruelly dumped. But when he learns that Harry Potter has, at long last, split with his horrible boyfriend, Draco is certain his luck has changed. Never a man to squander an opportunity for revenge (and what would probably be a spectacular shag), Draco vows to make Potter his for the weekend. Now all Draco has to do is convince him.

@the-sinking-ship regularly writes: my favorite kind of Draco, my favorite kind of romance/getting together AND my favorite kind of smut. This fic is all of those things.

Polar Night/Midnight Sun by toomuchplor (E, 54K)

Harry travels to arctic Norway on the trail of dragon egg poachers, only to find he's been assigned to work alongside the only NorMagPol Auror north of sixty: one Draco Malfoy. It's been ten years since they crossed paths, and Malfoy isn't exactly what Harry expected or remembered. For one thing, he wears a lot more hand-knits? When a sudden winter storm strands the pair, unable to use magic to rescue themselves, they take shelter in a one-room Norwegian hytte.

The hottest fic in the coldest setting, this one made me absolutely FERAL. The most evocative scenery, incredible characterization, and the perfect pacing building to an explosively sexy and tender relationship. Also I would read like, 100K more words on just the mittens and jumpers and scarves of this fic, which are not items of clothing I have cared much about in the past. It's just that every detail, down to the smallest, is incredible!

When It Returns by @academicdisasterfic (M, 8K)

‘You’re late, layabout,’ Malfoy drawled, pushing the whiskey over to him. ‘I’ll have you know that I am very busy maintaining a whole house and garden by myself now.’ ‘Oooh, the dead husband card. Before any alcohol. Is that a record?’ Harry's husband is dead, and Malfoy is the only one who gets it. Or, the one where they drink at a straight man pub, renovate a house, and learn how to find joy again.

January was a good month for feeling bad. It's another angsty one! This one is full of beautiful healing in the face of a loss that feels very real, Draco annoying Harry out of his grief spiral (but in a loving way?) and Harry being on the right side of almost too stubborn for it to work. I have read and reread this many times already!

[gimme-gimme-georgie-weasley]

Letters to G. Weasley. [g.w. x reader]

Inspired by Letters to Milena.

You left me in that beautiful heap of dazzles and brilliance; your recalcitrance with your brother— just to send a message.

Do you know how I felt when I saw what you left in the sky on the morning of my NEWTS; your farewell to Hogwarts while we were all stuck under the authoritarian regime of that daft pink woman.

I was so, so, so devastated.

I spent my nights crying, you git. You didn't tell me you were leaving.

- Y/N, May 14, 1996.

***

Dear George,

I've come to peace with you after ignoring all your owls. Yes, I'm writing back to you. Yes, I've decided to address you, unlike my last letter, if you still have it.

Even though I dearly, passionately, and remarkably hate you; I still miss your voice.

I've graduated from Hogwarts and I'm joining the Ministry. Has your shop been doing well? Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, was it? Never mind that I'll get straight to the point. No more preamble.

I'd like to see you, if you'd wish to, of course. I've moved on from that undesirable spring.

I fully understand if you wish not to. You can be a man of deep-seated grudges, after all.

I'll leave it up to you, and I most favourably look forward to your reply.

Yours,

Y/N, June 21, 1997

***

George.

It's been a rough month. I know it's been tougher for you, too. Is your ear, or lack thereof, okay? From what I understand from your letter, you're currently hiding in Sirius Black's family's manor with The Order, and the Burrow's gone? I cannot fathom this.

The Dark Lord, Cedric's death in 6th year, I thought it was all a nightmare. Now it's very much real. Please, take care of yourself. It's been hectic here in the Ministry. I've been drinking Pepper-Up potions every two days just to feel alive.

Please, please, please, I cannot stress this enough, take care of yourself.

I love you.

Yours,

Y/N, August 2, 1997.

***

George.

Please, let me join The Order. I know I can handle it. I want to, I need to, join the battle against Voldemort. Let me help.

He took away everything we've loved dearly. It's only a matter of time until he strikes all of us down.

Please, reply as soon as you can.

I love you dearly.

Yours,

Y/N, August 14, 1997.

***

George Weasley.

With your lack of response, I'm going to assume you're not letting me join The Order. Or are you dead?

For the love of Merlin, let me in. I need to know you're okay. I spent nights thinking of the worst possible scenarios; what if you've all been found by Voldemort? What if I never get to see you again?

Please, at least reply. Even one single word. Anything, just to know you're alive.

I know the Ministry's hot on Potter's tail right now, so if you ever read this, please send my regards to him. I've seen the way Fudge hides away in his office. The man's out of his mind, rambling about how Voldemort isn't back.

Diagon Alley shut down. Ollivander's gone. Your shop's... Seen better days.

Oh, how I wish to go back to halcyon days. Reply, please.

I love you.

Yours,

Y/N, August 29, 1997.

***

My dearest, George,

As soon as Errol came swooping by my window, I got up, drank my milk, and wrote to you.

I understand why you won't let me join, it's dangerous. I understand completely. But please, don't leave me in the dark. It's been two months since I last saw you, don't you think I at least deserve to know what's happening?

Merlin, you lost an ear. You're just like that Muggle painter, don't you know? I don't want to lose you spiralling in the raging sea of war.

It isn't easy for anyone right now, and I understand you're just trying to get by. Apropos of your nightmares, I'll send you Dreamless Sleep potions by Owl soon. I've brewed them a few months prior because I, too, have been plagued with nightmares.

The world's in a dark place right now. Please, take care of yourself.

I love you.

Yours,

Y/N, September 2, 1997.

***

Dearest George,

Amidst the never-ending darkness, I got myself a cat. She's a chubby ginger tabby cat, and in the envelope is a picture of us together. I've recently taken up Muggle photography to get my mind off things; though Muggle cameras aren't as capable as magical cameras, they have this certain charm to them. They remind me a lot of you, actually.

The cat's still unnamed, so I'm leaving the task of naming her to you.

How are the potions? Are they helping? You didn't mention them in your letter, so I thought to ask you.

I miss you, dearly. Come home soon.

Yours,

Y/N, October 14, 1997.

***

George.

Please, for the love of fuck, tell me you're alive.

News of Death Eater attacks are all over the Prophet. I'm still safe and sound, but where are you?

Word is going around in the Ministry that a second wizarding war may break out any time soon.

Please.

Please.

Please.

Write back.

Y/N, April 29, 1998.

***

George.

I'm fighting in the war.

Wait for me, my love.

Yours,

Y/N, May 2, 1998

***

[being-of-rain]

73 Yards is an episode of Doctor Who. Kinda.

They just put a little horror movie in the middle of the season! And I enjoyed it! I think a big reason I'm really enjoying this season is that it's taking some big swings, trying some unique stuff. Of course I wish we had 13 episodes, but I'd rather 8 episodes that get experimental with it than a hundred by-the-numbers stories (Sorry Nick Briggs). (Sorry for the drive-by at Nick Briggs, it's just hard to resist sometimes).

This episode certainly took advantage of the supernatural available to it, as I hoped this season would. And by playing into the rules of horror (and Doctor Who is allowed to be any genre it wants,) it left a lot up to interpretation, which was very interesting and had my girlfriend and I discussing it for a while after it ended. I thought it was drawing some connection between ancient curses and right-wing politics, which is fair. And watching Ruby weaponise her ancient Welsh curse to make the prime minister resign was very funny and satisfying. I think I saw people somewhere talk about how a common thread through a lot of the situations and horrors was isolation and ostracism, which is a thread I want to pull on next time I watch it. Which might not be soon, because (as I might expect from RTD,) this was a bit bleak for me to be a common rewatch. But I love seeing people's various theories on the episode, keep 'em coming.

As for Ruby... I hate to say it, but I don't think this episode really endeared her to me more than any other. She's still a great performance by Millie Gibson (the youngest-looking 40 year old on the planet, bless this show,) and she's still a very capable protagonist. But personally, I'm just not getting anything more interesting than that from her. I'm glad the show so far hasn't been putting a crazy amount of stress on the fact she's adopted, but it hasn't given her any issues to replace that. I've seen people read some interesting stuff into her after this episode, but I didn't get any of it from the episode itself. I didn't even really know what she was thinking while she was growing old alone; you can assume 'sad,' but the episode didn't pause to give me anything more than assumptions. I should move on instead of saying this every episode, but I was hoping this ep would change my mind. Maybe she's one of the rare companions I just won't really click with. Or maybe, like Ryan, she'll become my favourite just before she leaves. Then again, aren't we getting a second companion next season? I'd love a new dynamic.

What else? Kate! She was a pleasant surprise, being as helpful as ever (sorry Kate) and making this her 10th episode! Which feels weird to say about a character who's had like 48 episodes of her own spin-off audio show. Oh but you know what else is weird to say? Kate's line "I think this timeline might be suspended along your event." What are you talking about Kate?? How would you even know that?! I assume the line's there to future-proof the episode against later Dr Who plots interfering with this one, but since when does Dr Who care about that. The line feels so out-of-place and meta (as well as kind of spoiling the ending by immediately making me think 'oh so this whole timeline is going to get undone then,') that I think they shouldn't have bothered.

Anything else to say? It felt a little weird that the episode takes a stand against the stereotype of rural Welsh people being isolated and insular by having a bunch of rural Welsh people be cruel to a nice person just because she's an outsider. Oh and they acknowledged Susan Twist's appearance in each episode then, I'm curious what that will turn into.

Speaking of season mysteries, I keep seeing the fan-theory 'they're in a TV show' turn up everywhere online. Which is a cool idea that Dr Who could pull off, but I've yet to see a single piece of convincing evidence for it. Keep coming up with bizarre and unsupported theories Who fans, don't ever change.

Oh and here's a really niche and petty complaint! I wish the show would stop using the phrase 'perception filter'. I think when it was first used, in series 3 I think, it was about something relatively specific, technology that Time Lords use to make something not draw attention (unless attention is drawn to it). But since then the phrase has been rolled out for shape-changing, invisibility, natural abilities as well as technology by any species under the suns, it can affect your memories, and hey now magic Welsh curses use it too. Personally, I think it's lost all meaning and feels a lot more like cheap and lazy writing than worldbuilding.

Okay! Those thoughts turned into me saying I loved the episode then listed a bunch of very petty complaints. But I did love it! More magic please. Maybe slightly happier one.

I'm not sure there's anything in the second half of this season I'm really hyped for, but after enjoying the first half a lot, I'm curious what'll turn up!

[herofics]

Can't trust myself

Some comfort yet again, because I've been having a hard week, and Geto is a comfort character for me. I’ve been having some trouble with my psychosis symptoms, and it’s fucking scary so I decided to write some fluff. I know this probably won’t be a very popular post or won’t resonate with many people, but sometimes I’ve gotta just write for myself

You hadn’t been out of the house a single time during the last five days. Geto had been busy and he had barely been home other than to sleep. You woke up multiple times during the night, so you knew he was there beside you, but you didn’t want to bother him, so you just let him sleep. You spent the minutes you were awake looking at him and listening to him breathe. Every now and then you reached your hand to move his hair off his face, but each time you pulled your hand away in fear that you would wake him.

You’d barely been eating and you’d gotten out of bed only when you absolutely had to. You were so anxious you could barely function. Every little noise around the house made you jump, and you felt like crying all the time. You weren’t even sure if the sounds were real or if your mind was conjuring them up.

You were laying in bed for the fifth day in a row. Since Geto hadn’t needed your help with his little cult, you hadn’t had a reason to leave the house. The fridge was starting to look pretty empty and you were almost out of food, but you couldn’t care less. Maybe you would just stop eating too. You weren’t really sleeping, so what was a little hunger on top of that. You’d stop feeling it eventually, right?

Geto had noticed you hadn’t been dropping in to see him for multiple days now. He decided to ditch his responsibilities for a few hours and go check on you. He knew you had been tired and anxious, but he didn’t really grasp how bad it had gotten.

“I’m home love” he greeted as he closed the front door.

“Suguru, what are you doing here?” you asked, as you wobbled out of the bedroom, stopping in the doorframe.

“I came to see you, I was worried” Geto said and walked over to you, placing his hand on your cheek.

“Worried about what exactly?” you yawned and rubbed the back of your neck, before leaning your head into his hand.

“You of course” Geto said, brushing his thumb over your cheek.

“It’s probably just a momentary slump, I’ll be fine in a week, hopefully…” you sighed.

“I hope so too, but I’m still going to be here for you, since you’re not fine now”

“Thank you” you sniffled, before hugging him so hard and suddenly he almost fell over.

“It’s okay, I’m here” he said, hugging you close.

You’d always felt safe with him. You’d always felt like you could tell him anything, so why was this so hard? He knew about your previous troubles with psychosis, so why was it so hard to tell him you were having a more active episode again. It had been a few years since the really bad phase, but it’s not like the symptoms had ever completely gone away. Your mind was starting to act up again, and it was scary as hell. Not being able to trust your own brain was scarier than any curse.

“I’m having trouble again Suguru. I keep hearing sounds and seeing things. I’m scared and paranoid constantly and I don’t know what to do” you muttered into his shoulder.

“That explains why you’ve been so anxious and stressed lately. How long has this been going on?” he asked

“About a month” you admitted as you took a step back from him, grabbing his hand and holding onto it.

“A month? Why haven’t you said anything?”

“I was hoping it would go away, but it seems that’s not the case” you looked down at his hand and squeezed it.

“Oh love” Geto sighed. He didn’t sound angry, more like a bit disappointed that you hadn’t come to him about this.

“I didn’t want to burden you. I know there’s big things coming up that you have to prepare for, and I really was hoping this was just a fluke” you sighed and looked back up at him.

“I’m gonna stay home the rest of the day. We can talk about what’s been going on with you” Geto said, squeezing your hand back.

“I know you have a lot to do, so thank you for staying with me” you smiled tiredly.

“I need you to be well, that’s also a big priority of mine. I hope you know that” Geto smiled that gentle close eyed smile of his.

“I appreciate the reminder” you chuckled.

Your stomach started to rumble, which made you realize you hadn’t eaten since last night.

“Hungry?” Geto smirked.

“Yes, but the fridge is pretty much empty” you noted motioning towards the kitchen.

“I’ll tell one of the monkeys to go get us some things from the store. What would you like?”

“Food. I don’t really have any particular cravings right now, so pretty much anything will do” you shrugged.

“While I take care of that, you look like you could use a shower” Geto suggested.

“You’re probably right, I’m gonna go do that” you yawned and stretched your arms towards the ceiling, before disappearing around the corner.

After a couple of minutes, Geto heard the shower turn on. He leaned on the kitchen counter and hung his head back. He could finally relax and exhale the breath he felt like he’d been holding in for days. He wasn’t happy that you were having trouble, but he was glad you had finally told him what was going on. Now he didn’t have to guess anymore. He just wasn’t sure what he could do for you. He was going to be there for you the best he could, that was a given, but he couldn’t be with you 24/7. He just had to believe you would be okay. The bad times had always passed before, so surely this would as well.

[horce-divorce]

happy 1st anniversary @smeetlinglord 🥰💖🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🫀💘🏳️‍🌈🌈

I cant believe it's been just over 3 years since this man walked out of my dreams and into my campsite (or rather, I walked into his?), and 1 year to the day since we stood in the kitchen of his little green house-- the place it had called home for over 9 years, the place he was being evicted from, we had already begun to pack and there were open boxes on the floor-- and the whole room smelled like coffee, and he put his hands around my waist in the sunshine from the south-facing window, and he looked at me, really looked at me, and said, "I want you to be my boyfriend."

i couldn't even begin to tell you why this meant so much to me, here, now, coming from hymn, of all people... and i also couldn't stop once I started. so i wrote about 10k words on it and i'm gonna post that elsewhere :) <3

we've had a tumultuous year to say the least. beginning a new relationship right on the heels of becoming homeless is a high stakes choice, and one we talked about at length for weeks before we made it official. since last july, bel has gone through a series of some of the worst trauma he's ever endured, and having to watch hymn bear so much pain and be powerless to stop it has been maddening-- but the idea of hymn going through all of this alone is much, much worse. even on his worst days, there's nowhere on earth i'd rather be than by his side; even on his worst days, the world is still that much better of a place to be in, because he is still here.

his story is one that's played out, in some fashion, time and time again. his abusive, transphobic landlord/egg donor made hymn homeless, and his disabilities made work impossible, leaving hymn with nowhere else to go.

i also had nowhere else to go at that point, but I did have a car, and we already spent most of our time camping together. as mentioned, it's how we met. the national forests are one of the last places where it's truly free and legal(ish) to be homeless; as long as you move every 14 days you're in the clear-- and we were lucky enough to already be deeply familiar with one such area.

we got displaced from our campsite over the winter and wound up couch-surfing for a time. bel sought help at a hospital only to be further traumatized, enough to seek legal recourse in the future. then we got stuck at our friend's when our car/home needed multiple repairs, and the situation continued to be further retraumatizing for a number of reasons.

through it all, even with all the horrific things he's endured just in the past year, Bellamy has been the best partner and most stalwart friend i've ever had-- and we have the most solid foundation of any relationship i've ever been in. he makes me feel so secure and loved in a way i've never experienced before. it teaches me so much and actually pushes me to be better, and to make functional change, something past partners talked a lot about but never truly did.

before we even got together we talked a lot about what we both want in a partner, anyway, and the main thing we're both looking for is just... company. the buddy system, no matter what happens, good, bad, or indifferent. life never stops. we have to learn to roll with the punches. we have to learn and try to be who we want to be even under the worst stress, because we can't ever give up on ourselves, and we shouldn't ever give up on each other because of hardship, either. that's the times when we should be holding together even tighter.

there's plenty i wish i could change about the past year, but there isn't a single moment i regret or would change about us. there isn't a single second i've shared with hymn that i would trade away, for anything. any amount of material security i've ever briefly had pales in comparison to the way i feel when he looks at me. I am so proud of him and everything he's managed to accomplish and become in spite of how hard this world has tried to bring him down. And I have never been more proud to be someone's lover, partner, caretaker, and friend.

Bellamy is the most incredible, amazing, inspiring, loving, passionate, genuine, wholehearted, most alive person I have ever met. He has such a powerful sense of self, and justice, and wonder and curiosity. He is such a wonderfully skilled vocalist, and artist, and listener and friend. I've known hymn for 3 years now and every day i look at it and i still can't believe he's real. Not only does the perfect man exist, he's gay, he's t4t, he lived in the same hemisphere and even the same 50 mile radius as me, AND he chose ME to be HIS guy!!!!

queer love is sacred <3 T4T IS FIXING ME!!!!! I LOVE HYMN!!!!!!

[sroloc--elbisivni]

bunnyguard reflection

in the spirit of 'fuckit it's my own blog i can be sappy if i want to' as well as 'this took a year and 78k and i get to keep talking about it for at least one more day' now and here is the time and place for personal yap that did not go in the last author's note.

preliminarily speaking, i had this concept in mind before I'd finished either the usagi yojimbo comics OR watching Rise. i spent so much of both of those series fishing out little moments and choices by leo and usagi that made me go 'oh my god i NEED these guys to meet, i need to watch them bounce off each other.' I kept collecting snips of ideas, and dialogue, and encounters that never quite all panned out or fit together because this was just so much fun for me to play in. I had a lot of wanting to turn this into a real story but no concrete frame to build it on, and then in january i saw the year of the otp prompts go by. and went 'oh haha that looks fun.' it was even the year of the rabbit. and then i went 'oh!! what if i did VIGNETTES for these!!' and then less than three days later the Battle Nexus as political element of the Hidden City, complete with connections to the very different other iteration of it that we'd seen, fell into place and suddenly this silly little whim was an actual big project staring me down with an ambitious goal in mind, and I had no idea if I could pull it off.

structuring it as a month by month thing was something i'd never done before. it forced me to wait to find out what would happen, to keep building to something that didn't exist yet, to lay down the track while I was driving the train. and at the same time, it gave me space to grow, to practice putting together a beginning, middle, and end every month. and it gave me something to look forward to, and the excitement of dropping in threads that wouldn't pay off for months, and watching as it went to see what the audience reaction would be. were people getting out of it the things i wanted to give them? was i hitting the notes i wanted? i had the sketch of the year, but i was still learning what was going to happen until the moment the last word hit the page. plot and character choices, but also big thematic stuff! i described November's fic as 'the ten of swords' to Space and then went 'wait a fucking second' and realized that I could draw a connection, in order, between each fic and a numerical card of tarot's suit of swords. (mostly one-to-one --october straddles 9-10, and December loops us back around to the Ace of swords, for new beginnings.) i couldn't have done that on purpose. if i'd had that thought in january i would have gone 'no that's too pretentious and too hard' and avoided it.

also!! this has been a year of my life!! over the course of this series, i've had four different living situations (that lasted longer than a week), two different jobs, and gone back to school. i had to change meds, which was an anxious ordeal in 'am i even going to be able to focus on anything now?' the cat that was purring on my lap while i worked on the first few months has now passed away. this fic kept me company on the flight for my move to a different continent. it kept me sane in the middle of a very stressful summer. it's helped me meet and get closer to some really cool people. i can FEEL how it's made me a stronger writer.

and on top of all that: i am deeply, genuinely, truly proud of this series. i'm glad i wrote it. i'm amazed at how it's turned out. i can see things i would change if i did it over, but i'm glad i won't be. i'm glad this is the way it exists. and i am utterly blown away that there are people who told me they were looking forward to it every month, that they've been following it since the beginning, that they like what i've done with this place. this is the longest-term project i've ever done. it's the most words i've ever put into a single narrative. i can't believe it's never going on my wip rotation again. whadda hell.

i have no idea if i'll ever do anything like this again. i hope it won't be anytime soon--there are other things i want to do in the meantime. but god, am i glad i did it.

[nukenai]

Extremely stressed about having all my money stolen so I'm in a bad mood.

Not to be gossipy or anything (irl friends follow me here lol), but. This is a big vent post.

Over the con weekend I learned that my unemployed-since-January roommate has been lying to people about why he has no job (says he quit because he didn't Feel Like working there - he was actually fired in January for being bad at his job. Nothing to be ashamed of but very weird to lie about), and has been flirty and physically affectionate with female friends (who are engaged), who keep having to enforce boundaries, while not telling them that he is in a long term relationship. Huh. Interesting. He's also been telling lies about me (saying I don't do enough shit around the house, and other stuff like complaining when I'm fixing things in the house and he is trying to sleep in the middle of the afternoon) while I have to twist his arm to get him to pay fucking rent and his half of the bills. I get the money eventually but it's always "after my next UIB check" - except he also went to the fucking convention over the weekend, which usually is not something you do if you're struggling to pay bills? I continually tell him that if he's having issues paying for stuff, to LET ME KNOW and we can work things out. But it's always "i'm good because of my UIB checks" until I actually need the money. I've offered to let him do stuff like yardwork to take off of rent, but he doesn't ever want to because of allergies and it's hot out and his back hurts. Funny shit to say to a chronically ill person handling everything herself.

Also had additional confirmation that when Zero died, he was making it entirely about himself to his friends, acting like Zero was his dog as well and he felt like he "had everything taken from him" when he died. He apparently also refers to Sammie as "OUR" dog, when he is MY fucking dog (he sees him twice a week max for like 5 minutes and has nothing to do with his care, aside from very occasionally letting him out when I'm out of the house - like once every 3 months), and is also referring to my cat Stella as if she is HIS cat. He hasn't even cleaned the litter box once. For the record - I do not expect anyone else to take care of my animals, because they are mine. I take care of them myself. But I do not appreciate people hanging out with my animals all day and pretending they belong to them when I am the one caring for and paying for them.

Technically, most of this is hearsay, but from his pattern of behaviors (constantly talking shit about friends' significant others, every single ex girlfriend being a "crazy abusive bitch", acting like putting on a purchased costume of a licensed character and being in the local paper makes him a Famous Cosplayer, working for a local advertiser paper and saying he's a journalist when he has terrible spelling and grammar, etc), it's not at all surprising and I 100% believe it. This friend of his I was talking to, the engaged person he was being flirty with all weekend, became a friend of mine before she moved away. There was an instance last year where he wanted her to go to a convention with him, and she said she could not go because she had a school thing. He decided to stalk her social medias while he was at the con, and saw she was "just with friends", and messaged me to let me know that she was "a fucking liar" and gave me all the details. I told him to fuck off because he started implying I needed to stop talking to/being friends with her, and it was weird of him to "check up" on her for not wanting to go to a fucking convention. I'd bet money he was weirdly pressuring her to go when they had known each other for like 2 weeks and she felt like she had to make up an excuse. This woman has been nothing but incredibly kind to me, and I will never forget the look on her face yesterday when I said "[roommate]'s girlfriend" and her eyes went wide and she said, "Oh, he's seeing someone? He hasn't mentioned that." He's been seeing her since like last November and has been in consistent contact with this friend.

Since I don't have any Actual Physical Facts to confirm my suspicions of what's going on, I can really only wait for like one more annoying inconvenience before doing anything. I feel like he doesn't say anything to my face because he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on. He complains about having to empty the fucking dishwasher a couple times a week. That was the only chore I asked him to cover consistently while not having a job, besides taking out the weekly garbage. He's also constantly leaving the kitchen a mess, and apparently lying to his friends that I'M the one leaving the kitchen a mess!

I don't want to kick him out. We've been friends for over a decade. I know deep down he is a good guy. But he's a 32 year old adult man acting like an absolute fucking child because he's never had a responsibility in his life. I don't take his word for anything anymore and write off every single complaint he has about other people. In the past month he has - multiple times - tried to mansplain animal care and behavior to me, like implying I was very wrong to think Oersted could have gotten into the basement when he escaped, because "snakes don't like being on the ground"??????????

He has a lot of growing up to do and I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. His rent money is extremely helpful to me, but he's in for a rude fucking awakening if he thinks I'm such a huge pain in the ass for giving him one chore that interrupts his 17 daily hours of Nintendo 64 and Youtube time. I haven't told him but he has a deadline for getting his shit together; I'm dealing with a lot of legal shit with the house right now and if he doesn't shape up by the time it's all settled, he's getting an ultimatum. I've been too lenient with him for too long because I like to be good to my friends who I fucking care about.

Can you imagine if I had kicked him out back in May or whenever it was, when I heard him loudly talking on the phone with his girlfriend about how I have "too much shit", I don't clean the house enough, and he wishes I would spend time doing housework instead of "going to Pokemon Go raids or whatever" after working 40 hours a week? While he was unemployed and couldn't even pick up a fucking vacuum?

He apologized for that, but literally only because he got caught. The fucking nerve of mediocre men. I am extremely stressed due to having all my money stolen and he can only give me $200 of rent. But he was able to go to a convention just fine.

At the convention, I was told, surprise! He was going to come home in my car when he went down with someone else. And he had like 4 fucking suitcases worth of stuff, when I was already driving our other friend home. Usually, not a huge deal. On top of everything else? Holy shit.

I consider myself a very patient, understanding, and kind person, but god's love has fucking limits. And I don't fucking like liars.

[soullikethesea]

Still awake. Trying to calm my racing heart. It's been quite a while since things have been like this at night.

I'm telling myself the things that help, like that sleeping is not mandatory and I'm allowed to stay awake all night. Lying in bed with my weighted blanket now and a night light. Already took a med some hours ago, but there's no effect.

I'm too scared to be alone with my thoughts. I tried putting on an audiobook, but it was also unpleasant.

I think the upset might also be about my housemate that's leaving. And needing to make my own decisions about housing. Change. Even the one hour time change is terrifying, let alone things about housing.

It's also that I feel like I'm half-Fox. It's like with everything I do I'm trying to show that Today is not so bad and that there are Reasons for things. Like how I didn't go to art school because I saw an exhibition of failed artists who were all around 50 and every single one of them looked poor and miserable. I know, Fox, you want to tell stories and connect to emotions and mean something to the world, even if you have to suffer for it. But look at the monthly paycheck we have now. Stability.

It's very strange and unsettling how my preferences and worldview change when Fox is close. It makes me feel scared as well sometimes.

And maybe another trigger was that I was recommended a documentary on Youtube and it turned out to be about people we actually knew personally when I was a child.

And then another thing might be that I (Fox??) seem to be pondering (ruminating) a lot about how my father said that we were poor. But I wonder if we were really, because his strategy in life was surrounding himself with outrageously rich people. So maybe we were only "poor" in comparison. I just remember these instances of really poor money management, indulging in many luxuries. It was like luxuries went before basics sometimes, but then again I also think we had most basics. I don't know. Of course I was only a child and I don't know if I saw things correctly. It was just a lot of stress, basically always. And for them it still is.

I (Fox) get so sad sometimes because most of what I knew is gone now. I'm not close anymore to almost all people I consider to be my friends. My cat is gone. My dog friend is too. I don't even draw anymore. I like how strong my body is now, but it is also old. I am much older than I feel like and I have some responsibilities. I'm not against responsibilities, but it feels like no one should trust me.

It feels so lonely in the world without my old friends and the animals. I feel really freaking lonely. And overwhelmed.

But maybe I'll get used to it over time or something. I do appreciate that the others made me a meal and even met up with multiple of the "current friends". I even saw that we are good/okay at our jobs. JobS, can you imagine? There's even multiple ones.

I think I'm really not okay and maybe never will be. I still wish I could just take these feelings away and hide away, like I've been doing. It never really felt like a choice, but more like a compulsion. I don't want to "infect" others with my sadness and fear.

It mostly clusters in my throat. It's like there's so much to say that I didn't say. I know, I should have moved on like a thousand years ago - but here we are. Haven't exactly moved on, even though the world around me HAS (and that's very unsettling).

[golbrocklovely]

Do you ever get tired of the drama? I took a step back from the fandom years ago because it was absolutely exhausting me. It seems like it’s gotten worse somehow and I was just wondering how you do it. How do you keep up with the asks? How do you keep from banging your head into a wall? How do you not get exhausted when you get asked the same old shit every. single. time?

oh, absolutely the drama gets tiring to me lmao

when i first started out, i never intended for my account to become known as the gossip account. i just wanted a place for ppl to come and vent about the fandom if they needed to anonymously bc i knew how the fandom was about being honest, since there were times i had opinions that made me feel like i was the outlier compared to everyone else.

but it kinda became this way on accident. and now i just kinda accept it for what it is. i know i got a lot of eyes on me, and i know a lot of ppl know about me without really knowing me, if that makes any sense lol

originally tho, and especially for at least the first two years of me doing this, i would answer every ask no matter what. but now i don't do that as much, or at the very least, i take a while to get to every one i plan on answering. bc look, if you come on here and are really rude to either me, snc, or just in general ppl i like - i'm not gonna answer you. it's just that simple. and also, sometimes i don't have the energy to answer everyone. i am one person after all, hearing literally everyone's opinions. so it's a lot sometimes.

and i do get tired about talking in circles with certain topics. i usually try to let everyone know "hey, i'm done talking about this" in some way or another - whether via an answer to an ask or just straight up turning off my ask box for a while. bc what i've noticed is that most topics are just a 24-48 hours thing max. after that, ppl move onto other things. so if it ever gets super stressful to me, and it does occasionally, i just turn off my ask box and turn it back on the next day. and by then, everyone has moved on for the most part.

and i think the biggest thing i had to learn in doing all of this is separating snc from the fandom. bc snc aren't angels. i know they've fucked up before, or just generally done things i don't agree with. however, if i genuinely thought they were bad ppl, i wouldn't be a fan of them. i wouldn't spend all of this time or money or energy into giving them attention. snc don't piss me off, but the fandom does. and separating the two of them has made it so much easier to stick around. bc when the fandom pisses me off, it doesn't reflect how i feel about snc anymore.

not only that, but when i'm not here, i'm disconnected. i might still watch snc's vids or whatever, but i'm not thinking about the fandom. when i log off, i don't give the drama a second thought. and that has saved me a lot of anxiety and anger. that being said, i also think there are a lot of fans that can't do that, which is why they get so frustrated at every little thing. but i get it at the same time bc i was like that for a while.

also, if i'm completely honest, some of the drama is fun to me bc it's not life or death. we aren't talking about something serious or direly, nine times out of ten the drama is about colby's love life or sam's philosophical takes or something dumb like that. it's not that deep. that's why i can have fun with it lol which is why i implore others to not get so hung up on the details or get upset when they don't know everything or make every drama the biggest deal ever. if it was that serious, we all would know.

but this is also why i get annoyed when this fandom, especially for the past like six months, have been having tantrums left right and center over snc and the girls. like… this should be fun. we should be able to kiki and laugh and move about our day without insulting anyone in the process. and yet… somehow that's an issue for everyone now. not for me or really anyone on here, but… other places sksks

at this point, i try to enjoy what i can and keep it pushing. i have a whole life outside of snc that i worry about waaaaayyyyyy more, and that's why the drama only gets to me so much. this is supposed to be my entertainment, so when it's not, i clock out. and only come back when it seems enjoyable again.

[yvtro]

thoughts on task force z? I’m not sure if you’ve talked about it before but I’m curious what you think of jason’s characterization there

disclaimer: i’m moving blogs. still here to go through my askbox, but you will find me at @boyfridged most of the time.

it's been almost two months, but i've been postponing replying to this ask because i rarely read recent comics, and infinite frontier is a dumpster fire. but i finally got to it!! here are my general thoughts that i noted during that read-through:

so i know that i’ve been talking a lot about how interesting the cyclical nature of jason’s story is, and how it makes a lot of sense for him to be stuck in this loop on the peripheries of the narrative, but reading this series made me want to retract this statement purely because dc doesn't know how to make it work. stories about cycles like that require awareness of why the cycle occurs, research about the source material (how was it perpetuated before?) and a good idea about how the same storyline structure can be written to feel fresh and novel for a reader.

spoiler alert: the storyline did not feel fresh nor novel. it was incredibly dull. i think rosenberg just isn't a very good writer, you know? his dialogues are stiff, and i swear he has not heard in his life about "show don't tell" (and while i'm not even that committed to the idea of "show don't tell" in regular literature, comics entirely rely on show don't tell. not to take the rule too literally, but this is what you have pictures for!! use them to mean something, maybe?)

i think i get why i've seen people praising tfz though, and that's because rosenberg has a surprisingly good general grasp of jason's character (compared with zdarsky, for example.) then again, this is the bare minimum, the bar is on the floor or below, etc. and he could fit that comprehension of jason’s character in a tweet. no need for a 12-issues series.

so, let's take an overview of things that jason says: “you didn’t make me, you raised me” “i made mistakes because i was scared, and i was angry, and i was hurt” “i died trying to save someone i cared about. (…) i died a hero” all good points! all true. so what's the issue? well, to me it's that he would not fucking say that. why does he talk like he's in therapy? when did he come to all these conclusions? the thing about good storytelling is that characters very rarely have a clear picture of their own place in the world; and while it is the case that jason is interesting in the sense that he's always verging on a brink of that awareness, and he is quite vocal about his feelings, the thing is that nevertheless, he rarely brings himself to openly speak about things that matter; he deflects. and it makes sense for him to be quite repressed (it's self-preservation. it's the dialogical nature of identity.) why would a character suddenly start monolouging on their relationships and their status in the narrative (lol.) etc? the whole series is like that, and it's exhausting, because it doesn't mean anything at all. you can tell me all of these things, but how about you show me how and why he came to this realisation? where's the internal conflict? ever heard of symbolism? parallels? plot devices? figures of speech?

on the topic of talking like in therapy, i think the only interesting bit was barbara telling jason that he's basing his identity on his trauma. it has potential, and it makes sense it would be barbara to say it.

but since i'm on the topic of other characters already: every single other character acts like they're a cardboard cut-out. we see the same confrontation with bruce we've seen hundred times before (okay. maybe not hundred but def more than 10 times. hell, there was the same confrontation in cheer that came out the same year, i think?), and bruce sounds like a broken record. i have to stress that i do think there are good reasons for them to be stuck in the same place when it comes to their relationship, but once again, if you want to write about it, try to make a point about why this is the case. and atp, it's just so inconsistent with bruce's current characterisation, that it feels like he just appears in red hood stories as a prop. same with pretty much all the batfam really. since when is the whole batfam sooo eager to agree with bruce when it comes to every single one of his decisions? if you need to make everyone seem to be mindless to make your main character right, then you're doing it wrong. whatever happened to nuance? get off ao3, rosenberg, this is not a whump fic.

in general, i couldn't tell you what that story is trying to say. and i consider myself a very charitable reader. i've found elements in rhato that i thought were note-worthy. here?? there's no substance. at all.

my favourite part must be the ending and jay essentially saying that he wants to heal and start a new life, and steph replying that where he’s going is where the joker was last spotted. ok i see. a classic jason todd move: “starting a new life <3" -> doing exactly the same thing he’s done before but now isolated and even more mentally disturbed. go girl:) this i can stand behind.

btw i haven’t caught up with all of infinite frontier stuff (and I don’t even know if I want to) but why does everyone and their mother know jason’s identity? what is up with that.

also: amazing how you can write a whole series filled with harv & jay's interactions and never once mention that two-face got jason's father killed! but for that you would have acknowledge a storyline in which jason cares about willis and forgives a villain, right? and dc is not doing that.

in conclusion. it was tedious.

[storybookprincess]

20 questions for fic writers!!!!!!!!! tagged by @ilgaksu (yes, we HAVE been mutuals since the dawn of time & yes we HAVE diverged fandoms wildly and yes we DO deserve this as a treat!!!!!!)

1. How many fics do you have on AO3?

87………… dear god……

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

377,923

dear god……….. take 2!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

pretty exclusively animanga fandoms these days. hunter x hunter has been my home base for a while, but i dabble in other series too!!!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

personally i don’t enjoy discussing stats (outside of word count) because i think it encourages comparison, even if unintentionally, and i used to struggle a lot with that. sort by kudos exists for the curious, of course, but i don’t want to go out of my way to emphasize stats

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

oh gosh, i used to be RELIGIOUS about replying to every single comment i received, but that's since become a bit unmanageable with my current work & life schedule. i'd like to get back to replying at least a little bit, though!!

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i'm a happy ending girl through & through so i think the closest i have to an angsty ending is this tiny lil 1k leopika oneshot i wrote for the greed island server!!!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

what i'm getting from these questions so far is that i do not remember my own fics very well anymore & might want to go revisit them someday bc i am struggling to answer this one!!

that being said, i am a bit fond of this one from facts about stones, which was my big bang fic this year!!

“Let’s stay together.  For as long as you’ll have me.” “Forever, then,” Gon replies. Killua used to hate the thought of forever.  Life was something to be survived: minute to minute, second to second, breath to breath.  If his mind ever wandered further into the future than a few days, a sick, dizzy feeling would overtake him; the thought of this misery stretching on, gray and endless, was more than he could tolerate. But now, as Gon leaps over that very creek they’d played in so many times with a loud whoop, Killua finds that something has changed. “Longer,” he says. “Forever would be too short a time.” “Okay,” Gon agrees, a smile in his voice. “You and me. Forever, and then what comes after.”

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i was about to say that i've been fortunate enough never to get a hate comment BUT THEN i remembered how someone once wrote me a five paragraph essay (i'm not kidding) about how a character's behavior in a fic didn't make sense & was poorly written. god that was incredible

but on the whole, no, i'm quite quite lucky that i don't receive much negativity

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

not yet..............

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i'm a very boring person & thus don't vibe particularly much with crossovers. the most i've done is like........ very vaguely fairy tale inspired aus & the like. i wish i were a more adventurous writer bc some of the stuff people come up with in crossovers is ridiculously creative

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not a whole fic, but back in my bnha days, i had someone lift a scene literally beat for beat from a tddk fic of mine. i was a lot younger & less experienced in the fandom space back then, so i'm very glad, although perhaps a bit surprised, that i just closed the tab & moved on. life's too short to stress over that sort of thing

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, one into russian & one into spanish on wattpad!!!!!! they both felt like such huge honors!!!!!!

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

i could pretend to give this some thought & come to a difficult decision, but it's killugon. it's far & away killugon. let's not kid ourselves here

14. What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

color in your cheeks

i think the idea has a ton of potential, but my execution of the first two chapters strikes me as rushed & impatient & a bit sloppy as a result. i think my only option is rewriting it from scratch so i can have a product i'm satisfied with

15. What are your writing strengths?

i pay a ton of attention to the flow of my prose & really endeavor for the sentences to have a lyrical quality. outside of syntax, i think i'm quite good at describing physical & emotional experiences extremely vividly

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

well well well, if it isn't my old nemesis, actually having a plot....... we meet again

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i don't have enough fluency in my non-native languages to pull this off & i find it challenging as a reader, but i think just about any choice or device can work if it's serving a narrative purpose & doing so effectively

18. First fandom you wrote for?

the year: 2008

the platform: fanfiction.net

the fandom: rent

listen we all start somewhere & i had a BLAST writing those silly little musical theatre fics, even if both they & the source material don't hold up 15 years later

19. Favorite fic you’ve written?

i worked so hard on it that i just have to go with divine magnets

am i missing a question???????? is this really only 19????? i'm so confused!!!!!!!! anyway tagging @ladycrescentvenus @clood @carochinha @chubsthehamster and @anyone else who wants to do this just say i tagged you!!!!

[1d1195]

Tulips is truly heartbreaking. ❤️‍🩹 idk why that story makes me want to ask how you and your bf are doing. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I completely understand. But goddamn Tulips pulled at ever bit of my heart.

Oh you have no idea how much I love this message. Tulips was extremely personal to me and yeah... It means a lot to me that you read it and read between the lines 💕 I struggle to say how I'm feeling out loud a lot of the times so writing is helpful. Tumblr is also one of my favorite spaces to vent so don't feel bad asking personal questions lol. I'm very much an open book here hiding behind a computer screen.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a really long time--we're in the upper half of almost a decade at this point. I feel like at this point, I want him to read my mind because of it. Subconsciously, I don't think it's really fair of me to want that. He's wonderful, really, he is. I like to believe I wouldn't stay if he wasn't. I like being with him, we do fun things together, we have a lot in common, and he's very understanding of my anxiety.

To a point.

Sometimes I feel like he doesn't understand that I can't or don't want to do certain things because I get so stressed and he makes fun of me for it? Like weird things; I know they're weird and it's malicious on his part. It just bothers me after a while since it's been so long. Parking is my worst nightmare and I panic about it more than the actual event/place I'm going to. Or, I always look at the menu of the place we go to eat before we get there. My family is also really important to me--they drive me ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT CRAZY but I can't get rid of them. I can't not help them--my parents feel like toddlers sometimes and I just don't know how to not help. But I'm an eldest daughter and I can't say that being this way doesn't take a huge mental toll on my emotions and psyche every time I listen to one of them vent about the other. So I get why my bf says I need to set better boundaries but I don't think he understands how difficult that actually is in practice.

I am doing way better than I used to--back in high school or even college. But there are things in my life that I just can't seem to let go of and I know he's trying to help me move on or cope or whatever.

But it feels like when I do things like clean our apartment or try really hard to do special things he seems really apathetic. He doesn't recognize that certain things need to be done at certain times. Or that I like things done a certain way. And I know I'm neurotic. Like I know I'm not perfect and I don't always communicate how I feel.

When I do communicate how I feel about certain things or how I like things done, he always brings up something I do differently than how he would do it. So that brings me down a bit and I feel like I've changed a lot for the better and do a lot of things differently than I would have five or even ten years ago. So a lot of the time I just don't tell him what I'm feeling. I think he knows this though because he tells me sometimes I just explode because I let it simmer inside me and wait until some small grievance just boils me over. But it feels like he doesn't see that this is me trying or that there are things that he does that bother me but I feel like I can't say because he just turns it around on me.

I tell him all the time that if we broke up I wouldn't date anyone again (unless Harry Styles appeared in my life, of course). I think I really mean that. I like being in a relationship but I was single for a REALLY long time. Sometimes I think I miss it because I think sometimes I still feel like I'm a single person in a relationship. I'm pretty sure if we did break up I would be fine. Of course I would be extremely upset and heartbroken, but I know how to be an adult and take care of myself and whatnot. I would be surprised if he could name our utility company. Being single for a long time made me fiercely independent. I used to go out to breakfast by myself in college all the time. I don't mind being alone.

So, I hope this answers your question and I hope it doesn't make you think that I'm a stupid idiot for being in this relationship. We're good. We are. No relationship is perfect--I don't even think Harry Styles would be like the guy(s) I write about in my stories.

But maybe this gives some insight as to why I love my miscommunication trope so much.

Thank you for your message, your question, and of course just reading Tulips. I hold that one near and dear to my heart. 💕

xoxo