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soulwrit3s · 1 year

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nothing more nothing less

Taglist: @desswright29 @imjusthere2readbruv @melanated-queen @pocketsizedpanther @uhwhatsay

Warning: it’s very slightly suggestive

I may or may not make this an actual mini series, what y’all think?

5:20 AM

“Riri,” You sigh, nudging your colleague with your foot. She’s sprawled out on the floor, only in a sports bra and shorts. She’s on her back, stretching when she feels the weight of your foot on her. You didn’t get to sleep as well as you’d like, there’s been horrible thunder and rains. Normally it soothes you but it’s been a nuisance with how thin the walls of this damn apartment are.

Riri’s eyes crack open and she looks like she never slept in the first place. The sun isn’t’ even out yet. She sits up, staring at you, irritated as hell. You laugh as you help her on the couch. She’s kind enough to let you have the only room in here while she takes the couch. You find a bunch of flash cards and a medical terminology book on the glass coffee table in front of you.

You shove a cup of coffee in her hands and she leans back as she takes a sip.

“You need to let your brain rest.” You advise and you’re shocked when you hear no clap-back. Her eye bags make her exhaustion even more obvious. She stretches, gently shoving you in the process before standing up.

“We gotta get ready, I’mma go shower first.” She says as she disappears into the hallway. Your phone buzzes in your palm and you receive a text.

‘Morning <3’ Shuri texts. You wonder what she looks like right now. Probably already dressed, a black silk dress shirt on, revealing the brown skin on her collar and sternum. Her sleeves pulled up and veins and tatts decorating her forearms. You see her text bubble disappear and then appear again.

‘The storm was pretty bad. Did you get any sleep?’ She questions. She’s always so professional and you can already imagine her long fingers stretching along the nape of her neck as she waits for a response.

‘It was hard, my roommate is pissed. Hbu?’ You text back, placing your feet on the couch as you stare at your phone.

‘Not really, get ready for work, I want to see you.’ She says and there’s no text after that.

You get ready for your day quicker than you ever have, eager to meet Shuri today. Riri chuckles at how fast you're moving as she tries to keep up with your fast pace. You’re both in her car by 6:00 AM. She gets aux this time since you decided to play your throwback playlist last time.

You’ve been dying to tell someone about you and Shuri. It’s no relationship, technically neither of you have asked each other out. You’re both just screwing around.

“Ri,” You mutter as she stops at a red light, lifting her MIT mug to her lips. She looks up from the road, one hand resting on the wheel and the other in her lap.

“Wassup?” She asks, mid-sip of her coffee from this morning.

You stare at her for a moment. You’ve known Riri since your last two years of Medical school so almost three years now. She’s seen your hookups, your failed relationships, she’s comforted you through heartbreak more than a couple times. You don’t know much of her love life, she’s never talked about it. You’ve watched her like a multitude of people and let them slip away.

“If Vision gave you a chance would you take it?” You watch her swallow the hot liquid before speaking. She’s always been one to fool around but she can tell by your voice that you’re being serious.

“Ion know what she’s like…I have a crush on her, I think she’s badass. Maybe…I would, I don’t know…Listen Y/N, Ion know if I’d want anything serious, sometimes hookups are all things should be.” She admits, You don’t want to tell her anything you don’t need to. Anything that could jeopardize what you and Shuri have. Whatever this is. Maybe you and Shuri are just colleagues that hook up every once in a while. Maybe you want more.

“Why?” She questions as the car starts moving again.

“Nothing.”

Shuri lingers in your mind.

…

9:15 AM

Shuri’s hands trail up and down your sides as she places gentle kisses along your jaw, leaving you breathless. You and Shuri have been paired up with her for the day and no one has questioned the two of you going missing. She pulls away from you as you shift your weight on her lap. She’s still got her scrub pants on but her top is long gone and the only thing left is black fenty bralette.

Her undoing of your clothes however, was hasty. Your baby blue scrubs are long gone, strung somewhere on the floor.

She’s already taken care of you and her slick fingers are already evidence of that. But your mind’s been elsewhere all day. Ever since your conversation with Riri, you’ve been wondering what Shuri thinks of you.

Her eyes are on your features, studying you before she finally speaks up.

“Is there something bothering you, Y/N?” She asks, cocking her head to the side. You look down at her before coming back to reality.

“No, Just didn’t sleep good.” You shrug while reaching for your scrubs on the floor. She moves your hands away back your thighs and lifts you off of her, settling you gently on the bed right after.

She picks your scrubs up for you, this time she doesn’t put them on for you. She pulls her scrubs on as well and leans back against the wall in front of you.

“You can talk to me if there’s something-“ She begins and the words force themselves out of your mouth before you can even hold them back.

“What are we doing?” You question as you stand up to pull your scrubs pants on. You keep your eyes on her which causes you to struggle while trying to tie your scrub pants.

Her hands caress your waist as she chuckles and ties it for you. Her fingers work diligently and tie them with speed and the right amount of pressure against your skin.

“We’re colleagues…” She begins while she wraps an arm around you.

“That are adults.” She continues before lifting your chin up so both of your lips are lined up together.

“That are attracted to each other, nothin’ more, nothing less.” She states and you’re at peace now that you have some sort of clarity. Now all you really wanna do is kiss her but she doesn’t give you that satisfaction. She tilts your head away with the fingers on your chin and kisses your cheek.

“I have a surgery, Y/N, I want you to complete your rounds and meet me in O.R 6.” She orders with authority dripping from her voice.

…

10: 02 AM

You watch Shuri hold her scalpel above her patients scalp.. She’s a sweet woman, too young to be under any knife. Too young to die as well. Which is where Shuri comes in, She’s done an endless amount of craniotomies and this is a breeze for her.

For you however, This is all new. You’ve seen too many videos and to see it up close is something else.

“Y/N, how wide should this cut be?” She questions. Not a single ounce of flirtatiousness or niceness. You think back to everything you know before speaking.

“One fourth.” You answer, your voice wavering as your unsure of your answer. Her eyebrows raise and you can’t see her mouth but telling by the sigh she lets out, you’ve said something wrong.

“Are you sure?” She questions.

“Y-yeah.”

“You don’t sound like it. Dr. L/N, I recommend you do some studying the next time you step into my O.R. One day, you’ll be taking my spot and the incision you make will decide whether this patient lives or not.”

She chastises you. You don’t say anything and all the staff in the room don’t either. This is nothing new to them.

By the end of the operation, you and Shuri are scrubbing your hands and she’s watched you be silent the entire time. The patient is okay and will be just fine. She hasn’t gotten any questions or anything from you.

“Y/N-“ She starts.

“I got it, I’ll study, alright?” You say before drying your hands and seeing yourself out.

…

10:32 PM.

It was one-fourth. You realize you were right the entire time. You glance at Riri next to you, who’s knocked out on the couch, curled up into a ball. You haven’t gotten a single text and the words from Shuri’s mouth earlier echo and it’s all you’ve been able to think about.

“nothin’ more, nothing less.”

Shuri’s probably had so many people she’s fooled around with over the years. She’s not old

By any means. 36 isn’t old. She’s just experienced.

Maybe Riri was right. Somethings are meant to be hookups. Somethings are meant to be a full blown relationship.

Lmk what y’all think PLEASEE

#black panther #riri williams #shuri udaku #shuri x reader #Vivian vision

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baecvlt · 4 years

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Better Late than Never

in which the reader was set up on a blind date by Sonia Nevermind with Kazuichi Soda

• Kazuichi Soda x Reader

• fluff

• fem reader

• original idea <33

BTW YALL this might sound accidentally self insert-ish but that’s because I gave the character interests (since this is a date fic) but I dont know anything else to put for them. anyway enjoy still.

“So, there’s no one there?”

I glared at her, death staring into her clear, blue eyes. “What the fuck is ‘there’?”. She sighed and lightly hit my arm. “I’m asking you if you have a crush, silly!,” she spat, yet her tone remained friendly. I shook my head. “I don’t find any of these people attractive, Sonia”.

“So you wouldn’t go out witj a classmate?”

“No, Sonia”

She stays silent, suddenly darting her eyes at Hajime. “How about him,” she asked,“Hagime seems like a nice guy”. I shrugged. “Not my cup of tea, really”. She then points at Teruteru,“And him?”. I looked at Teruteru, who was already gawking me. “God, no, Sonia,” I gagged,“Too perverted for my liking”. She then began listing names. Here is what I had to say for all of them.

Hajime: Boring

Nekomaru: LOUD

Fuyuhiko: Mean and short

Nagito: Psycho!

Eventually, she gave up. I didnt feel any way of them, who’s to know how I feel about anyone else at this school? “Fine,” she said, but her eyes lit up,“Oo! How about-”.

“Oof!”

He had bumped into me, knowing me to the floor. Kazuichi Soda: the Ultimate Mechanic. “Yeah, him!,” Sonia said. I looked at Kazuichi, disgust on my face. “Not in a million years”. “Huh?” (Kazuichi was madly confused). Sonia grumbled,“What’s wrong with him?”.

“What isn’t there wrong with him? He also doesn’t bathe!”

“Ouch, I bathe,” he said. “Why were you in such a rush anyway?,” I asked. He shrugged, but eventually sighed and revealed his reason. “I got excited,” he said softly. Sonia and I were confused.

“I just got updated on my— something. I’m going to the office to see what they have to tell me about this thing I’m in the middle of”

I was confused, but I had to know now. “Anyway, I’m sorry,” he said, walking right past us. I stood there, but Sonia got my attention. “Come on, we’re gonna be late to Economics”. She grabbed my arm and pulled me to class. When we got there, everybody was huddled up. There was something they were being discreet about. “Hello, friends,” Sonia said,“What are we talking about?”. “Kazuichi,” Ibuki said without the slightest hesitation.

Okay, maybe not that discreet.

“What’s wrong with him?,” I asked,“Besides all that, I mean”. “Cut him some slack,” Hajime said, now I knew the situation was a little more sensitive than I thought. Sonia and I both got our chair to listen. Hajime sighed,“This morning, I woke up and went to get Kazuichi for class. He wasn’t in his room. Later that day, I went go check on him and he was in his room, but when I opened the door, his eyes were just read and tired. I asked him is all was well, he only nodded and smiled. It took a while, but he still told me he was okay, now adding in the detail that the board had gotten back to him on his request to be transferred elsewhere”. My mouth dropped slightly. “Transferred where?,” I asked, Hajime only shrugged.

“This is all Sonia’s fault!”

We looked at Hioyoko, Sonia quick in defending herself. “He wouldn’t transfer schools because of me, it’s probably all your fault,” she was defensive,“Maybe if you weren’t so mean to him all the time—”. Suddenly, arguing broke out. I heard many things. Hajime said he hasn’t shown interest in her lately, Sonia seeming slightly offended. Gundham was blamed, Ibuki wasn’t being blamed (she was never cold with him). Suddenly, Mikan spoke out. “Wait!”. She yelled, so we were quiet. Surprised by her tone, it made us all shut up. “What if it’s all our faults?,” she suggested,“Y-You didn’t have to be cold to him. Who else besides Ibuki or Hajime spoke to him without immediately judging character?”. It made me think, but suddenly Fuyuhiko spoke. “Fuck that!,” he said,“The dude probably wasn’t enough to be here so they dropped him. He was also probably too embarrassed to say that. And the eyes? Please! They were red because he might be some type of pothead; high out of his mind!”. “That’s a really shitty thing to say,” Hiyoko said,“Even *I* know that’s harsh”.

“I don’t give a fuck; Its true”

Hajime shook his head,“I’m gonna agree with Mikan”. “Wait isn’t it like extremely hard to transfer from this school?”. “No, not quite,” Chiaki said,“When given valid reason, the board can transfer a student elsewhere”. “If in fact the mistreatment of Kazuichi was the reason he sought transfer,” Peko added,“He probably went with ‘mental health concerns’. Since we’re all of age, he wouldn’t need to run it by a parent or guardian, making it much easier for him to transfer”. There was silence. “So what now?,” I ask. Hajime had a quick answer,“We treat him better”. “Is it not too late?”. Peko shook her head.

“If Kazuichi really went to simply be spoken about the appeal, students are given three days to make their final decision. Afterwards, there is no going back since students are allowed an appeal once”

We all still sat there. Were some of us actually cold towards him? I mean, everyone else in the academy didn’t even acknowledge him (neither did some of us, but we were around more, right?). “Alright, studebts, to your seats now!”. The professor being there had us scurrying away from Hajime’s desk. Throughout the whole class, I couldn’t focus. I kept thinking of Kazuichi, but why? Why did I care about him leaving so much?

The bell rang, Sonia waited for me. Econimics was our last class every Thrusday. The minute I was within her reach, she continued the conversation from earlier today. “So, I was thinking: you can’t talk to boys for shit,” she said. “And?”.

“What if I set you up on a blind. date.— huh? How about that?”

I sneered. Blind dates—they were such a tacky idea to me, what the fuck, but this was Sonia. She always new what was best for me when it came to, well, everything. Plus, it might be fun, or funny?

“Oh, what the hell. I’ll give it a try”

Sonia smiled so hard, her eyes shut. She squealed. “I cant wait,” she said,“I promise, this’ll be good for you. Just you wait!”. She kissed me on the cheek, leaving me behind. “Wait— we aren’t going home together?,” I asked. She shook her head. “I have some things to take care of! See you tomorrow, love”. She hurries her way. That girl. I’ll never understand her…

“Hey, how’s it going? … Nice … Well, now that you ask, I was wondering if you were open to a blind date? … Splendid! Friday, agree to meet with this girl, here’s her number … Let’s make things more interesting … Don’t tell her your name … Yes, you do know her”

I got home, setting my book bag down and practically collapsing onto my mattress. What a day. Before I got in thought about all that I was told today, as if on cue, my phone rang. It was a message, one from a number I had never seen before.

???: Hi :)

I was friendly, I didn’t have to be.

Me: Hello :)

As if a second cue went off, Sonia texts me.

Sonia: Has your blind date messaged you? btw make up a name! dont reveal anything !

Me: OH okok

I return back to the unknown sender.

Me: sonia put you up to this ?

???: yes, ma’am (or sir, or i have no clue. sonia said you were a girl. sorry)

Me: hey dont worry, sonia said she was setting me up with a guy, so i assumed too. i am a girl and being called ma’am doesn’t bother me.

???: well you assumed correctly, but thank you for letting me know, ma’am i get unsure.

???: anyway, what’s ur name?

I thought of a good, normal name, but nothing occurred to me. I looked all around my room for an object. Suddenly, my eyes landed on the family camera I had left in my room whenI used it for a project.

Me: my name is cam, hbu

???: Zero

Me: Is that really your name?

Zero: no but it makes sense to me

Me: wdym?

Zero: itd just me i guess

Me: ur gonna make me sad booo

Zero: oops, sorry !

Me: lol Its fine. but seriously, I know there is someone who cares about you. if anything Is wrong. you can talk to me, even if our date friday goes to shit :)

Zero: Yeahyesh thanks for that, Cam. its just my friends, i dont feel seen by them and it just feels like my parents have followed me.

Me: Well, they probably really love you. if it helps, I care about you :))

Zero: you’re very kind

Me: aw noooo. anyway, how was your day?

Zero: it coulda been better. yours?

Me: yeaaaa same here

Zero: what’s wrong?

Me: found something out ab a friend of mine.

Zero: is everything okay?

Me: Yea it all should be if I can fix things with him

Zero: you must really care ab him

Me: yea i really do

“Zero” decided it’d be best to change the subject since he figured it was slightly depressive (which it was). From the time I got home (4am) to 12am, we talked. I was excited because for once in my life, I was speaking to someone who liked the things I did. The same movies, the same bands. He listened to a lot of new wave and indie rock. Eventually, I got sleepy, so we called it a night. He called me cute and let me go to bed.

I actually looked forward to our date Friday. I didn’t care who he was, for he was perfect.

Morning came around and I just wanted to talk to him. In fact that’s all I did. We texted in homeroom, Theater, Calculus, etc. It was Friday today, meaning we’d have to meet today after school, thus revealing ourselves. Sonia and I were in calculus and she noticed I wouldn’t put my phone down. “God, someone’s obsessed,” she teased. “He means everything to me,” I said, breaking no eye contact with my screen. Sonia went to Kazuichi, who I have class with for Calculus, Government and Chem (which we both failed last year). I couldn’t care to break my focus on my screen, but I did head him mutter “she’s perfect”. So Kazuichi found someone else? That’s fine, but will she care enough to stop him from transferring? Could be be transferring for her?!

As the day grew the situation began getting fucking dire.

I was headed to my final class, chemistry. I had my phone in hand, texting away and very distracted. Suddenly, just like yesterday: “Oof!”. I was on the floor and above me? Kazuichi Soda. “I’m sorry, oh my god,” he said as he helped me up. I shook my head. “Nono, this time it’s my fault,” I said, dusting myself off,“I wasn’t paying attention”.

“I was also very distracted, heh”

I smiled, picking his phone up from the ground. His screen turned on, exposing that he had been listening to music. “Cocteau Twins”. I handed him his phone. “You like them,” I asked. He nodded,“Do you?”.

“Yeah, I do”

“Cool... where are you headed?”

“Chem”

“Why so early? There’s a whole hour and a half till we have to be there, plus the 5 minute tardy bell”

“I like being early. Where were you going?”

“My room,” he said,“I can’t find my chemistry journal, so I figured I should look for it before class”. “In your room?”. He nodded. For some sick and weird reason, I felt bad leaving him to do that on his own. “I can help you,” I blurted, almost instantly. His face lit up. “Really?!”. His overly joyed expression brought a smile out in me as well. “Yeah,” I answered softly. He grabbed my hand and ran with me up to his room, having me keep up with him. We got to his room as my heels skid slightly behind him. When opened the door and turned on the light, my jaw dropped.

His room was a complete and utter mess.

“Kazu- how is anything gonna get found in here?,” I asked, trying to keep my tone as calm as possible. “Its manageable,” he answered, entering and starting to look through all his junk,“I haven’t had the energy to clean my room anyway. It hasn’t really bothered me”. I shook my head as I walked in. “No, this isn’t right,” I said, an idea coming to mind,“Why don’t you lay there and rest up a little? I’ll clean your room”. His eyes lit up. “Really?”. I nodded, a warm smile creeping up on my lips. “Well, okay,” he answered,“Thank you, sweetheart”. I couldn’t even react to the pet name. His hat rested over his eyes as he quite literally fell asleep before my very eyes.

With that, I got to work.

Cleaning out his room, taught me a few things. He also happens to like the same films as I do, but he likes more action films. I also learned he has a much bigger wardrobe than I thought. Lastly, he isn’t as mess as I thought. He had everything one would need to clean, even owned a vacuum. It took me about 1 hour and 5 minutes to clean out. I hadn’t realized it was that long, time went by me like a breeze. I approached him and sat by him. In a pattern, I shook him carefully then played with his hot pink hair, which was softer than expected.

God, there’s something wrong with me.

He woke up and I removed the hat from over his eyes. He lay as he looked around, seeing his room uncluttered. “Wow, it’s like a brand new room,” he said happily. “Yep”. He sat up and smiled back at me. “Thank you,” he repeated.

“It’s nothing, really”

His voice was still groggy, I could tell he was a little dazed after his nap. He lay back and laughed to himself as we sat on his bed. “What?”. He shook his head as the lazy smile on his face grew slightly wider. “You’re really pretty”. I blushed a little, and laughed nervously. “Thanks”. He sat back up again, we both had no idea what to do now, but look at each other. It was a comfortable silence. I could forever into his oddly colored eyes.

I wanted him to kiss me, now.

I’ve truly lost my mind. I had no idea if it was just tension or anything but that. Would I like it or would I despise it. I decided to maybe test these waters, but before I could, he beat me to it. Out of nowhere, he grabbed my chin, pulling me to his lips. Kissing me skillfully, he lay back and I followed so I wouldn’t be away from him, leaving me straddling his lap. What a day to forget to wear shorts under my skirt. With how he kiss me and I kissed him, it was no secret we wanted this for a while now. The fact that I wanted this made my stomach knot. We pulled away, slightly winded. “That was so fucking hot”. I proceeded to tell him this never happened. He agreed it didn’t. Then he added:

“I’ve never done that before”

“Neither have I-”

Then, it hit me. Kazuichi was my first kiss.

“This must be a very shitty realization,” he said, laughing a little. “Shut up, let’s get to class”. He nodded, getting up from bed, seeing that his journal was on his now clean and visible desk. He picked it up and now we were ready to go. We were still early, despite distance and how crowded the halls were. We sat at our own table, usually we both sat alone since none of our friends had this class. We all knew each other, but we wouldn’t exactly call certain people friends. Anyway, during class, I was extremely bothered. I felt sick and I couldn’t stop thinking about that fucking kiss.

At all.

I really didn’t want him to leave. I couldn’t stand the thought of him leaving. I had to stop it, but why did I want to anyway. Is this pity? It didn’t feel like it; I can tell when I pity someone and this didn’t feel like pity. Could it be that he’s always been there?

I’ve never fallen in love before, nor caught feelings. Something about him felt so familiar. What has Kazuichi done for me?

I began to think and it all came to me. The times I had no one else to talk to so he’d be there, whenever someone has bailed on me I’d go to him. I’ve taken him for granted, yet he’s smiled through it all. To think I’d hurt him made me feel worse. “God, I hate this class,” he whispered to me. I broke away from my thought. “Oh, me too,” I answered,“How are you doing, though?”.

“In this class?”

I nodded. “Terrible”.

I mouthed an “oh”. After a second, I offered a solution. “Well, you can always ask me for help,” I said. “Seriously?,” his eyes lit up like when we were in his room. God his crooked, toothy smile had me smiling, it was intoxicating. “Yeah, come to me anytime,” I said, getting quiet. This was quite awful. On top of that, I remembered I had a date after today. I didn’t even want whoever the fuck I had to meet with. As planned by Sonia, we were to meet at the bridge in between dorms on the third floor at 7pm (mind you, I don’t have a room in this school so there really is no reason for me to stay so late). Now that I think about it, it really sounds like more of a meetup than a date. Maybe it wasn’t so important for me to meet this mystery man. I can just text him I was no longer interested.

And that’s what I chose to do.

After class, I bumped into Sonia. She smiled widely when she saw me. “Oh my god, Are you excited for tonight?!”. Here I am, bursting her bubble.

“No”

Her smile went down slowly. “Why not?,” she asked. “I’m not going”.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU AREN’T GOING?”

That was probably the loudest she’s ever spoken. “I mean, I don’t want to”. “But this was important, what the fuck,” she seemed too upset about it. “I don’t want him,” I said,“I’m into someone else”. “WHO?”. I swallowed before the name came out of my mouth,“Kazuichi...”.She slapped her hand over her mouth. “I know its emba-”.

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I’M GONNA SAY, oh my god. You have to go still, don’t leave your blind date hanging, please. I’m begging you, please!”

I scoffed.

I nodded. “Fine, but I really cannot pretend to have a good time,” I said to her. Nodding frantically, she said she knows. Ultimately, it was my choice and she knew that. Sonia walked home with me, then said she would walk back with me when it came time to meet my blind date. She wanted be there for when he was revealed. I got a message from this man when I got home.

Zero: Hey, are you sure you want to meet?

I raised a brow and showed Sonia. She covered her mouth, but quickly told me to say yes. So that’s exactly what I did.

Me: Yeah

Zero: ok

“He isn’t into it,” I said, showing Sonia the messages. “He will be”. Damn, she was so dead set on this and for what? “Come on,” she said,“We should get going”. I nodded, getting up from the floor we sat on in my room. Locking up, we swiftly headed to the bridge.

It was dark by the time we got there.

“Hello?”

No answer. “Maybe wait a little,” Sonia suggested,“He gets shy”. I turned to her. “Do you know him?,” I asked. “Of course I do”. She must’ve misunderstood what I asked. “No, but do you know him know him,” I cleared up,“like is he close to any of us”. She nodded, now I was really curious. A couple minutes passed and he still wasn’t there. “See,” I said,“Fucking no-show!”. My hands clenched into a fist. Sonia was getting closer to me, looking as if she had some consoling words to say, but she stopped. Smiling, she backed away. Then, I heard footsteps behind me. She stepped away from me, nodding towards me, but that was just a signal for me to turn around. I heard a gasp,“You?”.

The familiarity of the voice—it all made sense now.

“You!,” I cried. My eyes watered as a smiling Kazuichi stood in front of me. I hugged him and I could tell he wasn’t expecting me. “God, I thought you’d hate me,” he sighed, relieved. I shook my head. “I’ll leave you to it,” Sonia said,“I have to go anyway; my ride’s here”. We waved her off, getting back to each other. “Wanna head into my room?”.

We headed into his room, snuck in, I’m not supposed to be here. He threw himself onto his bed as his hands made a gesture for me to get on. I straddled him like before and kissed him. “Someone’s excited,” he teased. I scoffed. “I’m not the only one”. His face turned red as he looked away. “Hey, Kazuichi? Can we talk”. He nodded, waiting for me to introduce the topic.

“Hajime and, well, everyone else including Sonia and myself were talking and—”

“Yeah?”

“That you’re leaving?”

“Oh... yeah. I am”

I frowned, getting off him, now sitting next to him. He looked upset now that he remembered. “It isn’t too late now, is it?”. He shook his read putting his hat on his bedside drawer (me thinks this is the first time I’ve seen him without a hat). “Tomorrow, I go confirm my decision,” he said,“I feel... miserable in Hope Peak. I don’t belong here”.

“Kazu...”

“You don’t know what it feels like not having anything in common with anyone. Everyone being so fucking distant”

“I do know how the first one feels, but... we have each other to relate to”

“I just hate how this school makes me feel and I want it to go away”

He shivered as his eyes began to water. It hurt so much to see him cry. I never have. “Baby, look at me,” I said to him,“We all love you, okay? I love you. I’m sorry for being so cold towards you this whole time. You were always there”. He stuck his head into my chest and just let everything go. I played with his hair as he got rid of emotion. I lay his head down and straddled him again. Quickly, I kissed all over his tear-stained face, the taste of salt persistent on my lips. The kisses got him riled up and giggly once again, making him tackle me. I fell back on the bed as he did the same to me. He smooched me on the lips before giving me his final word.

“I’ll think about it, okay?”

I nodded, not pressuring him. I wanted him to be so sure about staying. I also wanted him to know that if he did stay, I would be there, always. “You need a ride home?”, he asked. I could have gone home, but I didn’t necessarily want to. “Aw, don’t you want me to stay?,” I pouted. The way I said it was so playful it almost felt like teasing. He blushed frantically answering,“Yeah, I do”. I then realized I didn’t have clothes to sleep in.

And no, sleeping in underwear could never be an option. (Not yet, at least)

“Damnit, I don’t have clothes”. That’s when he opened his drawer and threw some sweatpants at me. “You have a shirt under that one, correct?,” he asked. I nodded, unbuttoning my school shirt. it was a silk black undershirt, could be used as an undergarment or sleepwear. “Hey, I’m just gonna go out to the communal to wash up, okay?”.

“That’s fine, baby”

He smiled, heading off with his toothbrush and towel. Once the door shut, I with a I slid off my socks. I then stood up and took off my skirt. The clothing fit me kind of snug, but I didn’t mind. I lay back and waited for him patiently.

His shower was quick, well, in my opinion it was. His hair gave off a brisk scent, as he lay next to me. His eyes looked weak as he hug his face into my chest. It wasn’t in a weird way or anything, so I simply assumed he was tired. “Are you sleepy, yet?”. He nodded, his face in deeper. “I’m really sleepy,” he said softly. I ran my fingers through his hair like before and let him sleep. Watching how at ease he was in my embrace soothed me to rest. According to Hajime, he was usually a light sleeper. The slightest touch or noise would wake him up. He would shift around or mumble in his sleep. This time, it was different.

It was peaceful.

The next morning, I woke up and put on yesterday’s clothes. When I got to putting on my shoes, I felt him move behind me. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” I said sweetly. “Good morning, angel,” he said, his voice straining as he stretched with a grunt,“Time?”.

“9:30”

He got up and threw on a pair of clothes that I have never seen him in. “You want a ride home?,” he asked,“I meet with the board today at 10. If I take you home now, I can make it back in good time”. I nodded, going hand in hand with him after he had put his shoes on.

I never knew Kazuichi drove. I recall him say he had terrible motion sickness, yet here he was driving me home in a borrowed car that had been worked on in the school’s auto shop class. I had nothing else to talk about and the silence was killing me. “So you can drive?”.

“I can drive”

“What about your motion sickness?”

He clicked his tongue. “Yeah, that’s always been there, always will be,” he began to explain,“but I’ve learned to ignore it”. He put his arm around me, smiling. I smiled, yet I was terrified. What if I wasn’t enough to make him stay? As he drove, I noticed he had nothing in mind. With Kazuichi, you can always tell when there’s something on his mind. Always. He’ll squint, mouth some words to himself...that’s how you know. It began to overwhelm me and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry knowing there was possibly nothing I can say or do for him to stay. He may know I love him, but what if the timing was off?

Oh, well.

We arrived at my home, him walking me up to my doorstep. He kissed me, his smile dropping afterward. Fuck, he must’ve noticed... “Hey, is everything okay?”. I nodded. “Okay,” he said, uncertainty in his tone,“Well, text me if anything!”. I nodded, a faint smile on my face. I headed inside and lay in bed.

My memory of that Saturday and the Sunday that followed are fogged. I don’t remember leaving my room, let alone my house. Monday came around. I was nervous. I walked down the halls, Sonia standing and an expression of worry spread across her face. “Sonia,” I said,“What’s wrong?”. She gulped and I knew nothing positive would come out of this.

“Hajime hasn’t seen Kazuichi all day”

My eyes widened and I wanted to pass out. “No, that can’t be!”. I didn’t want to feel this. It was all guilt. Why, though? Everything seemed fine when we had last seen each other, it made no sense. “You haven’t talked to him?,” she asked. I shook my head. Sonia sighed. “Okay,” she began,“We have government today. Your only class with him. All we have to do is wait and then we’ll know for sure”. I nodded, trying not to let emotions get to me.

Now in government, I waited, We all did. None of us had heard a word from him. Soon enough, an hour passed: no Kazuichi. Tearful, my eyes shut as I placed my head on my table. Hajime walked up to me. “If its in any consolation at all,” he began,“Kazuichi really did like you. He loved you. I’m sure he knew you loved him”.

“Why the fuck do you make it sound like he’s dead?”

“I see how it would sound like so. I’m just gonna leave my words at that”

My eyes were burning and a headache began growing. Suddenly, there was pounding on thr door, pounding that startled the class. The teacher sighed. The knock was that of a late student, which obviously would’ve annoyed her considering this is a 65 minute class and it had been an hour or so. A student volunteered for the door and there stepped in a distressed Kazuichi.

“WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TEXT ME?!?”

I sniffled and my heart was beating out of my chest when I heard his voice and saw his face. “Kazuichi?!”. I ran up to him and hugged him, he was tense. “I was so worried,” he said. “That makes two of us”. I kissed him, he asked if I was okay and I nodded so frantically. “I didn’t text because I was sad!”. He hugged me tighter, kissing my forehead. I looked into his eyes, falling in love. Then I had realized one thing. “Wait”. He looked at me,“What’s up?”.

“WHY ARE YOU SO LATE?!”

“I HAD AN EYE EXAM!”

He walked to the teacher and handed her a doctor’s note. “You know I can’t mark you present right?,” she said. “You can’t mark me absent either, miss”. Yeah, he wasn’t the best student here. He walked back up to me and kissed me. “There’s like 2 minutes left,” he said,“Can we leave?”.

“Just go”

Being a nuisance paid off as we were all let out early. He grabbed my book bag and ran with me, pulling me by the hand. He took me to the back of the school, yeah, the very back behind the gym. I sat in his lap as he kissed me once more harder, now that no one was watching. I then faced him. “I thought you were leaving,” I whined. He ran his hands through my hair. “I was going to,” he said,“but I couldn’t do that to you, or to myself”. We sat in silence till I said,“Who would’ve thought?”.

“Yeah, in a million years, huh? What year we in?”

“Shut up”

I kissed him and felt him smile against my lips. “Don’t change, Kazuichi”. “Don’t plan on it,” he said,“I love you”. “I love you too”.

#cheap commissions #commisionwork #fan fic commission #kazuichi souda #kazuichi x reader #kazuichi soda x reader #kazuichi #kazuichi soda #kazuichi danganronpa #danganronpa goodbye despair #danganronpa

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soleilsuhh · 3 years

Note

hello lovely faye <33

i hope your halloween weekend is as beautiful and happiness-inducing as you are !! sending you love a millionfold even if that's not a word idk sorry 😩

oh yes it's the whole spirit of the holiday :)) i'm just putting titan marks under my eyes to be ymir from aot hehe i'm getting an actual cosplay but it won't get here in time </3 hbu, if you're doing anything?

i love you too for anything i adore dumplings of all kinds and yours are some of my absolute favourites <33 if i had to go top five (there's too many to choose from omg) i'd go xiao long bao, gyoza, hargow, sheng jian bao, and veggie jiao zi !! they're all so good though i honestly just <333

i hope you had/have an amazing day today !! today's question is: favourite thing from each season?

love,

🪐

hi lovie <33 i hope your weekend is as fetching as you are ! and of course, sending you love trillionfold ^^

ohh i just googled her and she looks cool ! hope you have fun with your costume ^^ oh no i've got no plans this year (things just aren't back to normal in my country sadly) </3 but last week, i thrifted this white vintage dress and it reminded me of the haunted dress from the conjuring universe ? and i thought damn this would actually be a good costume - definitely better than the one last year when i just put on an oversized white shirt and an eye mask to hopefully channel that holly golightly sleep mask outfit </3 it was still fun times hhaha

ooo i adore you and those dumplings <3 and as for the qotd — summer: how blue the sky is, the nostalgia of childhood and summer vacations. spring: the flowers, the colours, there’s something so lovely about everything coming to life again, the sunshine + breeze. autumn: the coziness, candles, somehow music and playlists feel more touching in fall 🍂 winter: christmas !! just something about winter in general feels magical </3

#— 💌#from: 🪐 anon

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neo-shitty · 3 years

Note

so uh i couldnt wait kaya binasa ko na HAHAHHAHA in class pero were doing projects lng naman, since tapos nako mag edit free time ako 😌 ngayon lang ako natuwa na maaga ako gumawa lmao

reading it made me want to rewatch bsd too AND continue jjk. nasa baby stay phase ako when i started jjk kaya parang na drift away ako sa anime pERO START KO NA TALGA after hometown at pag rewatch ng bsd idk if biased lang ako towards stories na puro narration pero nakaka amaze talaga writing style mo. ALAM KO PAULIT ULIT KASO TRU NAMAN KC LAGI KO SYA NAIISIP AFTER KO MAGBASA NG WORKS MO 😭

"Two people whose hands have only known violence for as long they could remember, standing together to keep destruction at bay; determined to protect a home they’ve taken part in destroying themselves"

my favourite part hehe ^^^ and i though that sneak peak you posted i think last week, got included in this one. im rly curious of what would the outcome of that paragraph be. i didnt feel that 2k wc tho, i thought it was shorter lmao e sabe nga nila pag nag eenjoy ka, di mo mamamalayan oras HAHAHHA legit, it made me miss the bsd universe 🤩

anyways story time, my friends and i were talking abt anime earlier and i realized na ako lang sa lahat ng magkakaibigan na action>romance LOL so nung linapag ko ung animes that ive recently watched, di sila relate kc di pa nila napanood 😭 and ganon den ako sa kanila pero romance usapan. hbu u? did something happen or just the normal ?

no, ineefortan ko talaga 100% mga projects (major man or minor subj) para high grades ng first qrtr 🤩 bc the school i want to transfer to relies the possibility of you passing mainly on your first semester grades kaya 😌👌

oy pati pala sayang unti lang makakabasa nung tainted. ung mga stalkers este naka fl and on notifs sayo ung makakabalita lang Y^Y pero isipin mo din parang limited copy lang eon so swerte kami 😗

and wheres angst-lover anon? :<

- 👻

hala bad HAJHA pero i can't say smth abt that kasi di ako pumapasok. we're talking abt edits and it's reminding me of this bungo stray dogs edit i have tapos yung song na ginamit ko all in.

all this talk abt bsd really made me rewatch bsd. also why haven't you finished jjk? T_T i don't like it as much as i loved jjk but i liked it naman skdjks sukuna 😌

thank you for the compliments regarding the writing pero yeah im not much of a fan of dialogues kasi zzz also i'm glad you liked that o.O mej nakulangan ako sa elaboration ng pairing. i wrote that 2k in one sitting <//3 i'm really proud of it hngh i'm not sure when i'll drop the sneak peek fic lmao i lost inspo for that.

really omg that kinda sucks ;n; my friends dont even watch anime HAHHA aw iilan lang tapos iba iba pa yung taste. shockingly i have a guy friend who likes romcom animes and im like wot. do you have anime recommendations na mej short lang? uhh my friend came over today kasi nagpatulong siya sa proj. im so done with PE man.

sipag mo namang student uy penge ng gana xd tapos hanggang first quarter lang pala or baka ako lang yung ganon. ay oo nga magsshs ka palang pala!! good luck! work hard if you're aspiring for the big schools for college, they take grades from g9 to g11 if i remember correctly.

i think only three people read tainted including you. idt ppl lurk on my blog that much so XD limited edition but i'm debating to post it? maybe here or sa anime blog go. idk lang tho ;n; i want to work on the dazai fic but i'm still on a call with my friends umay hngh

idk di na bumalik yung anon umay din HAJSHJAH

#toff.asks #👻 anon

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thepoetoaster · 5 years

Text

POSSESSED

Baltimore, Maryland October 2019

Chapter 1.

The rain was sobbing uncontrollably and inside I felt the same. Everything was grey and bleak except for the colorful neon screensaver of my phone that lit up every time Matt texted me. I never meant to become reduced to this state of sadness, loneliness and despair.

But every time I stepped outside the revolving door of the hotel I was living in, whatever energy reserves and hope I had mustered up in my solitude rapidly depleted and I felt like throwing myself into the harbor. Not that I ever would, but looking around at the society which I became increasingly more isolated from, that was how I felt.

My name is Michaela. I’m 28 and work as an investment advisor for a prestigious bank over the internet. That’s my daytime personality, anyways. The way I pay the bills. Deep inside I know I am an artist, a spiritualist, but that part of me only comes out in very rare circles.

It seems as if my life is always separated by a sense of polarizing contrast, eternally opposing forces. There is the daytime version of myself I show to the world; successful, smart, kind. There is a hidden part that is much more sinister. I feel a sense of cynical animosity towards the human race and society regularly. I express this through the art I never show anyone except my friends on the Other Side.

Yes, I am a spiritual medium, although not professionally. It started in my childhood when I realized I was not like the other children. While they played kickball and dolls, I wandered into the woods alone, talking to my imaginary friends who I later realized were so much more than imaginary. How did I know this?

Well, sometimes they told me things that they knew about this life - things that I nor any mortal would have anyway of knowing if not for some supernatural power intervening. And their words always turned out to be true, so I learned to trust the voices in my head that were so much more than just voices.

And what great friends they were! I found the spirits kinder, wiser, and more understanding than the mortals who were caught up in trivial things like gossiping and sports. Most of them, anyways. There were the rare beings I became close with that always kept my head above the Earth somehow. Always the eccentrics, the strange ones. They were the only ones I found interesting, who improved upon the sweet stillness of my solitude.

One such person was my friend and lover, Matt. Although lately, I must say the relationship has been leaning more towards friendship — the romantic parts of our life are rather complicated. For starters, he’s been married to another woman for years, although their relationship is turbulent and he’s very quick to come to me for comfort when things don’t go his way.

But oh, how I adore him! He is dark, mysterious, intelligent, not to mention handsome. He is one of the few people on this Earth that I connect with and we have an explosive chemistry. But I always get the sense that there’s something missing between us, that there’s something that’s just not right. I can’t stand the fact that he always chooses his wife over me, like I’m some kind of afterthought and not worth the same love and attention as she is. But I tolerate it, because I have I no one else — and look forward to his text correspondences vehemently, as he is a light in my dark, oftentimes seemingly hopeless world.

In the present, I’m sitting in the armchair in my hotel room that overlooks the city streets, drinking hot ginger and lemon tea while reading “Favorite Poems of Emily Dickinson”. I’m waiting for Matt to text back, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t hear from him until 2 in the morning, at which point I will be fast asleep.

I prefer hotel living for many reasons. Mainly, I can never seem to make myself settle down in any one place. My work as an investment banker is done mainly over the internet except for the rare face-to-face meetings with customers and company business trips. So when I’m not working, you could say I’m something of a vagabond, always traveling from city to city, making my home wherever the wind takes me.

I love the cleanliness and orderliness of hotel living; the permanently fresh sheets, the modern decorations, the shampoo and conditioner samples. It reminds me of a comforting time in my rather difficult childhood, in which a house fire forced my family into staying at a Holiday Inn for several weeks. I relished the experience, sharing a room with my twin brother, and have very fond memories of continental breakfasts and jumping from bed to bed, pretending the floor is hot lava.

In my current room there was a portrait of a lovely, hefty singer perched above the desk where I do my work. I suddenly wished I had her life and started to feel very lonely all of a sudden, looking out my window at all the people walking down below, in groups of friends or with a romantic partner. Although I despised the society, at times I felt almost envious of the way others seemed to fit in and find their place so easily. I was forever a misfit, alone in a universe of my own making with no one there to listen to my innermost thoughts.

Except for the spirits, that is.

I grew weary of the feeling and reached for my Ouija board to see who was available to talk. Normally it was one of my main 3 friends - Claire, Stephen or Sharon. We did have other visitors come through at times, however. Today was one of those times.

I took the board out of the box, put it on my lap, and when I placed my fingers on the planchette it started moving almost immediately to spell out the words “HELLO LOVE”.

“Well, hello love to you to,” I said, “and who may I ask am I speaking with?”

“DAMIAN,” it said.

“Hi Damian! I’m Michaela,”

“I KNOW,” he said, “SILENT MODE”

“What?” I replied, and at that moment I received a text from Matt.

“NEXT,” said Damian, “HE’S A FUCKBOY,”

“Um, I’m sorry? Matt and I are very close friends,” I said, although he did have a point.

“NEXT,” he repeated, then “PICK ME INSTEAD.”

And against my will I felt a warm sensation rising up from my stomach to my chest to my cheeks.

That very same moment, there was a loud knock on the door. “Housekeeping!”

“Oh, okay! One moment,” I responded, suddenly needing some air. I put the board back in the box and slid it under the mattress before quickly slipping on my my shoes and raincoat for a stroll through the gloomy Baltimore streets.

“What r u doing?” The text from Matt read.

“Going for a walk - hbu?” I responded

“Let’s meet at Gangster Vegan,” he said, and I replied with an “OK - see you in 10” and began the journey by foot through the harbor and into historic Federal Hill.

The whole time I was walking, I couldn’t shake the feeling of Damian’s presence. In fact, I could have sworn I felt fingers lovingly grazing the back of my neck; a light whisper in my ear.

When I got to to the all natural vegan eatery, Matt was unsurprisingly yelling at the cashier.

“What do you mean you don’t carry Spirulina!? What kind of establishment is this?!” The poor cashier gave me a look of utter desperation and I took that as my cue to jump in.

“Matt! Oh, darling, it’s so good to see you!” He turned around and the anger on his faced appeared to soften, but only a fraction.

“Oh, Michaela, what a relief to see someone with half a brain,” he snapped, turning around to give the cashier a dirty look, who looked thoroughly annoyed.

“Okay, let’s get out of here…,” I replied and we started walking through the city streets that were lit up by neon lights.

Before I could even begin to strike up a conversation, Matt suddenly stopped walking on the sidewalk to read a text message from his wife, Cindy. “GOD DAMN IT!” He shrieked.

“What is it?”

“THAT BITCH!” He dramatically kicked a fire hydrant, stubbing his toe in the process.

What is wrong with him? I heard a voice clearly whisper in my head.

“HOW DARE SHE!”

“Are you okay, Matt?”

“NO, I AM NOT OKAY!” By this point everyone else on the street had their heads craned to witness the spectacle that was his meltdown.

“Deep breaths, Matt…”

“It’s Cindy,” we started walking again by the harbor, “we were supposed to meet at her apartment later tonight,”

I thought he was coming home with you? The voice whispered.

“I thought you were coming back to the hotel with me?” I said

“Michaela,” he said and turned to me, “you know I love you as a dear friend, but Cindy is my wife. And we were supposed to meet tonight, and she canceled on me because she HAS PLANS WITH HER FRIENDS.” He looked exasperated. I just stared and looked at him silently, not knowing how to reply.

“Well… maybe she really does have plans with her friends?”

“Oh no, Mickey. No. She’s fucking some other guy. I just know it.”

The hypocrisy is unbelievable! The voice said.

“Umm… well, maybe you should just let it go! We can have a great night back at my place…”

“I don’t think so. I’m gonna let this whore have a piece of my mind.”

At that moment, his phone mysteriously flew out of his hands and into the harbor.

And I heard that voice laughing in my head.

By that time, we were almost back at the hotel. Matt was just staring there in shock, and I felt similarly. Then he fell to his knees and started sobbing uncontrollably.

“JUST GO, MICKEY…”

I silently obliged and walked back to my room, suddenly drained by Matt and his shenanigans. As my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep almost immediately. In that brief state between wakefulness and dreams I swore I felt Damian’s arms around me.

Chapter 2.

I woke up early, around 6:30AM, to the sound of my phone ringing - it was an unknown caller.

“Hello?” I answered groggily.

“Hello, Baltimore Police. Is this Michaela Young?”

“Yes,” I replied, a wave of worry washing over me, “what is it?”

“It’s about Matthew Gregory. He was found dead in the harbor last night.”

A wave of shock and disbelief washed over me and I heard that voice in my head, laughing maniacally.

“Oh my god,” I said, speechless.

“We’re going to need you to come down to the station immediately,”

After I got back from the station, I collapsed on my bed, emotionally exhausted. I decided to turn to my ouija board for comfort from my friends from the spirit world.

HELLO, MY LOVE, the board spelled out almost instantly.

“Is this Claire?” I asked.

DAMIAN, it spelled. I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU.

“I’m very upset, Damian. My friend and lover Matt was found dead in the river this morning. They ruled it as a suicide but I’m not so sure. He was erratic but I don’t think he was suicidal.”

I’M SURE HIS WIFE IS UPSET, he said sarcastically.

By this point tears were streaming down my face. “That doesn’t help!” MATT DIDN’T KNOW YOU, he said, NOT LIKE I DO.

“What do you know about me?” A small gleam of hope flickered in my heart like a lighter. Was it possible that there was an entity in this universe that was capable of understanding me?

This is easier, said the voice I thought I had been imagining before.

I know much about you, Michaela…

“Like what?” I asked.

You’re a financial advisor by day, but it’s slowly eating away at your soul. You’re an artist - deep down, you know it, I know it. And. You’re also a witch.

“Go on,” I said, my heart beating quicker at this point.

You didn’t have things easy growing up - dysfunctional family dynamics, absent father, and a string of abusive relationships as you got older.

My heart was pounding rapidly at this point.

“How do you know all this about me, Damian?”

I know a lot about you, Michaela. That’s all you need to know. I am capable of loving you in ways no mortal could ever fathom. All you need do is surrender to me.

“I’m not in a place to surrender to anyone right now, Damian. My lover just threw himself into the harbor.”

Understandable, he said. Well you just rest up, my love, and I’m sure things will work out for the best.

“Okay,” I said, and fell asleep with the energy of Damian’s love surrounding me.

Chapter 3.

At work the next day I was unable to focus on anything. I was midway through my lunch break when I heard Damian say, what do you say we leave this place tomorrow, my love?

“For where?” I asked.

Morocco, he said. I want to show you the way the sand dunes look in the desert when the sun rises. I want to show you the architecture, the culture, the food.

I suddenly felt excited at the idea - running away with this entity - leaving my past behind. It felt like a scene out of a fairy tale - only real.

Next thing I knew, Damian was singing “Come Fly with Me,” by Frank Sinatra in my head and I burst out laughing, overflowing with joy and feeling lucky that I had finally found someone who understood me, who eased the loneliness within me, who reminded me of what it was to laugh.

You’re very beautiful, you know, he said in a drawling, seductive voice.

“Save it for Morocco,” I said playfully, my heart feeling like a hot air balloon.

Before I knew it, we were on a plane together, falling for each other quicker by the minute. Well, I was on a plane, you have to remember. Damian was a nonphysical entity, which made our relationship - strange, you could say, to put things mildly.

But I had never been one for normalcy to begin with. In fact, it was my personal philosophy to shun anything that would be considered mildly normal by society’s standards.

And so our love took off the same way as the airplane.

When we arrived in Morocco, we spent long evenings under the desert sky, numbering the stars in the milky way, soaking up the serenity of the sand dunes. During the days we toured the city of Marrakesh, basking in the colors, the architecture, the geometric patterns on the walls. The culture was fascinating to me but more fascinating was Damian.

He told me of his life in the underworld and I was amazed at how much we had in common with one another. I grew to believe that there was some kind of mystical force pulling us together, and we could consciously resist it all we wanted, but no matter what that eternal longing would pull us back into each other’s reality, one way or another.

It was the romance of a lifetime.

———-

That’s the way things always start out, don’t they? For all of the eternal longing that existed between us, there was no denying that we didn’t always agree on everything. Just normal couple things, right?

But nevertheless, I wanted no one else. No other entity. I had finally found someone who understood the very depths of my soul; that’s not something I could ever let go of easily. And let go was something I never wanted to happen; of this I made Damian aware.

“What are the options for our future, Damian?” You can let me possess you, he whispered seductively in my ear.

I laughed and said, “What, you don’t think I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that’s not a good idea?”

I’m not like other demons, he said convincingly.

“You are rather sweet for a demon,” I said, laughing.

It’s decided, then. Let’s go somewhere special to make it happen.

“Where were you thinking?”

You decide.

“I’ll have to think about it and get back to you.

Absolutely, my love.

And with that he vanished into the night before I had a chance to say another word and I was left alone, once more.

————

My stomach was lurching at the thought of being possessed by Damian. Just the normal cold feet experience, right? Why should I be worried? He’s most certainly unlike any entity I’ve ever encountered before. Knowing, powerful, kind, intelligent…and that’s the thing you’re supposed to do when you’re my age right? Submit and allow yourself to be possessed.

I had always shirked away from the idea of marriage for just that reason. I didn’t want to ever belong to anyone except myself and the universe. The idea of being some man’s “property” made me want to vomit. Changing your last name to his to totally seal the deal. The patriarchy was something I’ve always rebelled against, so why was I questioning whether or not I wanted to be possessed by Damian?

Loneliness. I was aching inside and needed someone to fill that emptiness within me. Someone who understood me. No human man had ever truly understood me before. I hardly even understood me. I rarely took the time to understand myself with how busy I was with my work and traveling, always running from something, it seems. Running from my past, from myself.

But as it turns out, they’re right when they say everywhere you go take yourself with you.

And take myself with me I did indeed, to Malibu, with Damian. For our wedding — or rather, Possession — day.

——————

Chapter 4.

The warm pink sunset cast a dreamy glow over the pacific ocean as Damian and I stood on the shore together.

“So - how exactly do we go about this? I don’t exactly think you could find a priest would would willingly perform a possession,”

Relax, my darling, my bride, Damian said. All you have to do is surrender to me.

And without giving it another thought, I sat down on the white sand cross legged, and closed my eyes.

The next thing I knew I was in my mind, but I was not alone. There was another presence there.

Wow, the sunset sure looks beautiful through your eyes, said Damian.

“Yeah, it does,” I said, happy that I could share this moment with someone else.

We sat there together for awhile, celebrating our oneness. Basking in the blissful sensation of belonging to another. I thought my heart would explode from joy.

As the sun went down and the stars began to come out, Damian asked if I wanted to go to Hawaii for our “honeymoon”, and I obliged, in a dreamy, romantic trance.

————-

Palm trees. Crystal clear waters. Long days and slow nights spent wrapped up in Damian. Listening to his tales of the underworld.

Our love grew deeper in those weeks than it ever had before. It’s hard to express the feelings of deep spiritual oneness that we shared. There really are no words for it, except sinking deep into an ocean of pure peace and love that washes over you and makes you feel that everything’s alright, that everything’s happening exactly as it should.

—————

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Like all good things, the honeymoon eventually did end as my work beckoned me once more. Damian did not like when I had to work. Even though he was right there with me the whole time, it upset him that I was unable to give him my full attention, even for a second.

“Oh, stop acting like a child,” I said teasingly. “You know I’m all yours and you’ll have every ounce of my attention once I’m finished with my work,”

Yes, darling, he said. But sometimes I wish you would let me take care of you, so you wouldn’t have to put such strain on yourself.

“You know I love working, Damian,” I said, although it wasn’t fully true. “It gives me a sense of purpose and allows me to be independent and free in this world.” That much was true, at least.

Does it really, though? Aren’t there other passions, other goals you would rather be working towards?

“Well you know I would rather be an artist, but that’s not a very fiscally responsible thing for me to do at this point in my life,” I said.

Let me take care of you, he said again, and then I didn’t hear from him for a while.

———-

The next day, however, I got a phone call from my boss.

“Michaela, this is your boss, Mr. Richard Wadd. I must inform you that I’m letting you go from the company. I don’t really have a good reason, other than the fact that my fragile male ego is threatened by your superior intelligence, and I’m the one in power, so there’s nothing you can do about it. Goodbye.”

Damian was very quick to comfort me.

You know, love, there are certain benefits to having a demon as a spouse, he said.

“Oh do share,” I said, needing comfort now more than ever.

Close your eyes, he whispered, and as I did I began to receive visions; information, otherworldly knowledge, flashes of events.

Do you want me to take care of your boss for you? He said.

In my fuming, trance-like stupor, I nodded half-heartedly.

Good, he said. It is done.

——————

For the second time in the past year I was awoken to the sound of the police calling, beckoning me down to the station. My boss had been murdered, and they had evidence of my fingerprints at the crime scene.

I felt myself go white. There’s no way I was capable of murdering my boss. Sure I had fantasized about it as many do, but now he was dead and they had evidence linking me to the crime. Where was Damian? He was oddly silent this morning; I hadn’t heard a peep from him since last night.

“Damian,” I pleaded, “Damian, are you there?”

Nothing.

I felt sick and needed a minute to catch a breather before heading to the police station. That’s when the visions started and it came back to me.

I was walking through Spruce Street Harbor Park, but it was more Damian than me. In fact, it was all Damian. I was barely there except as a witness observing my own body moving without my control.

The door to the apartment of my boss’ row house was locked, but somehow I had a supernatural strength that was able to twist the doorknob right off the handle.

The only thing I remember after that was a blur of screaming, blood, me begging Damian to stop, and my boss begging for his life.

————————-

“How could you, Damian?” I said, shaking.

It needed to be done. Now, let’s leave town before the police catch us!

“You’re insane! You literally murdered my boss!”

That’s where you’re wrong, my love… WE murdered your boss. And as far as the police know, YOU murdered your boss.

“DAMIAN-,” I screamed, but it was futile. Next thing I knew I felt very dizzy all of a sudden and collapsed onto my bed as if I was black out drunk.

——————-

Everything was black for a very long time, and I had no consciousness of anything except an unending void of nothingness. I had an awareness that I was not in my body, and was very possibly dead.

Then everything turned light, and I was speeding through a vortex.

Ah, a tunnel of light! I thought. I really am dead!

Well, this isn’t so bad, I thought, as I sped along. There was no more pain, no more drudgery of existence, no more, oh, what was his name… Damian!

As soon as I thought of him, the speeding stopped and I was in what appeared to be an endless meadow, with fields of swaying poppies of all different colors. It felt surreal and dreamlike, and there was a total sense of peace that washed over everything.

As I was taking it all in, a being of light started to approach me from a distance. I felt a total sense of unconditional love emanating from her.

“Michaela,” said the being, who I figured must have been an angel as I saw her jewel encrusted wings swaying back and forth, “you have made a terrible mistake in allowing Damian possess you.”

“Who are you?” I wondered out loud,

“I am Cassiel, your guardian Angel. And we are here because you are in grave danger.” “I guess letting myself be possessed by a demon wasn’t such a bright idea after all.”

“No kidding!” She said, then laughed lightly, clearly trying to evade hurting my feelings.

But then she gazed into my eyes with a deep understanding and compassion, as if she could see straight through my soul and knew me better than I knew myself.

“You were lonely, lacking in self-love. You let your demons from your past overcome you. But it’s okay now, because I’m here to help. I’m going to show you how to reclaim your inner light and overcome Damian.”

“I killed someone, Cassiel,” I said, tears streaming down my face.

“No, Damian did it. And that will be taken care of. You must see now that there is so much in God’s hands - so much going on behind the scenes that you are unaware of. But we ultimately have your back. Your angels, your spirit guides, Source, the entire universe is secretly conspiring in your favor.”

“I don’t understand how they could allow all of this to happen to me then, Cassiel,”

“Michaela,” she said softly, “everyone has free will and must answer for the consequences of their actions. Karma catches up with everyone. But ultimately, everyone is forgiven for their deeds after they have worked through their karma and regained memory of their divinity.”

“So what happens next?”

“You’re going to be sent back to your body. By this point, Damian’s strength will make it hard for you to let go of his possession. But you must not give up or lose faith, Michaela. There is a light within you that is stronger than any force of evil that has ever been. And that’s the force of self-love. You must see that you are worthy and that love never leaves you, even when you are on your own.”

“That’s something that I’ve always struggled with.” “I know. And you are certainly not the only one. So many, if not all of your species’ problems are rooted in this lack of love. But it is infinite and existing everywhere, if only you will open your heart and allow yourself to tap into it.”

“So what does that have to do with exorcising Damian?”

“Allow the light to possess you instead,” she said, and with that, everything went black again.

————————

When I regained consciousness and flew back in my body once more, I was seated on an airplane next to the window, with a cocktail and an upscale looking meal in front of me.

Welcome back, my love, Damian said.

“Hi,” I said, in a fog.

Your dinner is waiting for you.

“Nice!” I said warily, “Where are we going?”

My dear, he said, we are bound for Paris. We are going to start a new life, you and me.

“A clean break!” Being powerless, I was just going along with him at this point.

Yes, he said, and laughed lightly

Once we touched down in Paris, I felt a renewed sense of hope and vigor. Because of the possession, I was able to fluently speak French. I had been here before when I was younger once, when the past that haunted me now was more of a present, everyday reality. I wanted to think that I was in a better place now, but given the fact that I was possessed by a literal demon, it was hard to say.

Now Michaela, my love, said Damian, while we are here, I will have some commitments to attend to in the underworld. I trust that you will be able to manage for several days at a time without me.

“I will do my best,” I said, like the dutiful wife I was pretending to be.

I know you need me, and are nothing without me except a lonely, blubbering mess.

“Okay,” I said. What an ass. “Can’t wait until you get back!”

———————-

With Damian gone, I felt like I could finally breathe a sigh of relief.

I spent long afternoon strolling through ancient cobblestone streets and evenings sitting on terraces, drinking wine and people watching. As I rode the metro and wandered in and out of several boutiques, an awareness started to wash over me.

And that was this feeling of total contentedness and peace - with just me, on my own. No more loneliness, no more aching inside. It felt as if I had a clean slate, a barren soil that was fertile enough to foster my growing sense of self-love and independence.

I met some very interesting people. One afternoon as I was strolling alongside the Seine I saw a painter and was inspired by his lifestyle. He made ends meet by waiting tables at night and spent of the rest of his time devoting his life to art.

There were some people who were in a much worse state. Many homeless people and I saw myself in them. My heart reached out to the invisible who had demons of their own they had yet to overcome and I wanted nothing more to help them.

I was exploring Notre Dame cathedral when Damian finally returned.

What are you doing here? His voice sounded very sinister.

“Sightseeing,” I replied casually.

Get out of this building at once, he hissed.

Apparently I didn’t have a say in the matter as my feet began to move on their own.

What do you say we have a picnic in the park underneath the Eiffel Tower, ma cherie?

The thought made me queasy but I agreed.

As we were sitting underneath the Eiffel Tower, there was an awkward pause.

You’re awfully quiet, Michaela.

“Sorry, I’m just soaking it all in. The twinkling lights, this lovely picnic you’ve prepared - it’s every girl’s dream!” And as I was saying it, I realized a part of me still meant it. After all the progress I’d made on my own, I realized I was lucky to be sharing this moment with another entity, even if he was a demon.

Yes, my love, he said. And there will be many more such moments to come. I’m never letting you go!

That made me feel nauseous and I seemed to snapped out of it a bit.

“Damian, I don’t know about that. We killed someone! We can’t keep running from that forever.”

I could feel his temper starting to rise.

So what are you suggesting, Mickey? Turning ourselves into the police? They’ll never believe you. They’ll think you’re insane if you tell them the truth. And you’ll be locked behind bars for the rest of your life. I’m your only hope at a good life.

After he said that, something within me started to fall apart at the seams. I was no longer sure of myself, sure of where I began and where Damian ended. I felt so controlled and like I had no way out of this relationship. I could only go along with it and hope for the best.

I remembered what the angel Cassiel told me and wondered whether what she said was true or not. Something within me told me her words rang true. Suddenly I had a very strong urge to expunge Damian and everything about him from my being. I needed an exorcist, a priest, but although I had a strong sense of spirituality I was not a religious person and didn’t think going to one would work. No, something within me knew the answer. And I knew I could wait no longer to rid myself of this demon forever.

But I needed evidence of Damian’s murder. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life behind bars for a crime I did not commit. He was right in saying that no one would ever believe me. I needed proof that I was truly possessed by a demon.

And that was how I found myself at the PIOP, or Paranormal Investigators of Paris.

———

Of course, I had to wait until Damian was away at work for several days in the underworld. The PIOP referred me to a renowned shaman who performed exorcisms at Notre Dame Cathedral. I corresponded to the shaman via email and told her about my case. She said it sounded like a doozy alright, and that I should think of a way to trick Damian into planning a date at the cathedral where the exorcism could be performed.

That night when Damian returned, I turned on the charm and told him I had a special date planned for us tonight in Paris. He was exhilarated about it! First we went out to a fancy vegan restaurant for one final goodbye dinner. For the first time he opened up to me about some of his experiences in Hell.

So I said to him, in Lucifer’s name, you musn’t use that torture device! It’s from the 18th century. We’re so much more humane than that now. Get the Tiger Bench.

“My woke demon,” I said, Damian too wrapped up in his story to catch the sarcasm.

As he rambled on about his day in literal Hell, I wondered once more how I had ever let myself get in this situation. Sure, I had trauma from my past. Dysfunctional family. I remember growing up my mom would throw dishes at our heads when she was in one of her rages. Absent father. A string of loser boyfriends who treated me like nothing. I wanted so badly to be loved and understood that I was willing to settle for anyone giving me any attention, filling the place that was supposed to be occupied by my father. And of course, the mental health issues that plagued me from perpetually feeling like an outsider in this society. It’s no wonder I let myself become possessed by a demon.

But no more, I decided in that instant. I was healing and had gotten to a place where I didn’t need anyone’s love except my own. Everyday was a chance to start over, to pursue my dreams and visions, to become someone great. And to become that person, I needed to let go of my past. I needed to let go of my demons.

I needed to let go of Damian.

After the waiter brought us the check, and Damian was still rambling about his day, I said, “Hey, D, sorry to interrupt your story,” yeah, so sorry, “but there’s something I really wanted to check out at the Notre Dame Cathedral. I know you have an aversion to that place, and churches in general, but it will only be for a moment.”

Damian paused his story abruptly. If demons had hackles, you could almost feel his being raised.

Michaela, he said in a seething tone, I would really we rather not. Couldn’t we go to the catacombs instead?

“Oh, it will only be for a minute, sweetie,” I said, “I want to see the home of Quasimodo. And I know how much you love the song ‘Hellfire’!”

He seemed like he was starting to warm up to the idea.

Yes, that is one of my favorites, he said, and preceded to burst into song. You can be the Esmerelda to my Frodo!

Too far, I thought. “Okay, that’s enough!” I said, and we both laughed. There were some parts of being possessed by him I was going to miss, which is why what I was about to do wasn’t going to be easy.

But it wasn’t enough to stop me — us — from riding the metro to the Notre Dame Cathedral.

For the final time.

Chapter 5. When we walked inside, I was amazed once more by the stunning architecture of the cathedral. But even my amazement at the light shining through the stained glass couldn’t stop the nervousness creeping up in within me for the act we were about to undergo.

I could feel Damian’s discomfort and itchiness to leave. Can we go now? He hissed. “Of course,” I said assuredly, “but first I want to see the gargoyles.”

Damian let out a roar of rage but agreed, very reluctantly.

As we were climbing the spiral stairs up to the top of the tower, there was a hidden door where I knew the shaman would be waiting, with camcorders from the PIOP to capture video evidence that I was truly possessed and shouldn’t be held responsible for my boss’ murder. The shaman would also be able to testify as a witness.

“Oh, look, Damian, a hidden passageway!”

We ducked through the door and the shaman quickly slammed it shut.

NO! He screamed. YOU BITCH! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!

But it was too late for Damian. I lied down on the gurney and as I was strapped to the table, Damian started thrashing and wailing about. The shaman starting waving her arms and reciting latin incantations and I started reciting a few affirmations of my own:

“I am enough. I am whole. I am loved and lovable, without or without you. I am enough. I am whole…” and as I repeated these words, I felt an immense, golden light rising up from within me, covering my aura and I knew that Damian and all the demons from my past could no longer energetically occupy the same space as this light.

And before I knew it, it was all over.

———————

Things were different after that. I was determined to make it as an artist, even it it meant taking a pay cut. Being possessed by Damian taught me a lot, and I truly began to understood what Cassiel meant when she said that everything is happening in divine order, for our highest good.

For the time being I was working in a bar in Buffalo, NY, renting a small house and working on building my dreams during the day. I still had enough saved from my previous role as an investment banker that I didn’t have anything financially to worry about for a while, but enjoyed spending my evenings at the bar. It was funky and had a cool atmosphere that attracted a bohemian crowd. During the day I worked on creating music and photography. I dreamed of one day being a speaker and sharing the experiences I had, and more importantly how I had overcome them. I wanted to give back more than anything.

One night while I was working there was a very handsome musician playing at the open mic. He was very well mannered and we had an in depth, philosophical conversation about the nature of the universe. Before he left we exchanged contact information, and I had a good feeling about it, but I was in no hurry to rush into another relationship.

For now I was just enjoying my own company, fulfilling my passions, working towards turning my dreams into reality and making the world a better place.

For me, that was enough.

I was enough.

I had always been enough.

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aquirkynerdytur-port-key · 6 years

Text

1/28/19

God why is everything so fucking exhausting

I can’t seem to stay awake no matter now much caffeine I drink or how much sleep I get, and I just want to be able to stay awake and learn and do decent in my classes but I’m fucking stalled in life, everything is continuing around me, if not faster than normal, and im here, all alone but not really alone? I cant even do homework anymore the slight drive I managed to keep from 8th grade until now has burnt out and I cant motivate myself to do the readings or the problems or whatever and im just drowning and cant stay happy, even though im doing things I love. Also like, my friends arent really friends anymore? More like “colleagues”, and everyone else is essentially a stranger.

God I miss Cole

Hes moved on to bigger and better things and probably better friends, we barely talk anymore and im too scared to start up a conversation because it always goes along the lines of:

Hey

Hru

Im fine, hbu

Uh im gucci lol

And then we stop talking for months on end.

Everything is just falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I cant tell my parents or family, it would be too awkward and they would give “advice” which is just stating the facts.

Recently I’ve been thinking about dying, but like always I come to the conclusion “no thats selfish, you’re a chicken anyway, what if Cole/finley/acey/Ryan needs you tomorrow???” So I dont do it

Tried to learn how to file a complaint to sr Adams today. That was a fun talk.

Maybe questioning my sexuality now? I mean, I dont FEEL anything romantic/sexual to others, but like, I talk about girls a lot and how I would like, tap that and shit like that??? Not sure anymore. Im gonna stick with my feeling over my mentality and thoughts tho… so still identifying as Ace/aro.

Learning ukulele is good, lots of fun, liana Flores is amazing at songwriting and honestly it would be so so SO cool if I could learn how to write decent songs/good chords for one. People say music is essentially poetry, but all of my poems would NOT work whatsoever with any tune or beat or whatever.

Also im really fucking pissed that I have such a shit memory for things that matter. I can remember the entirety of heathers, BMC, the Hamilton and mean girls soundtrack, countless episodes of DW/Sherlock/Spn, numerous pages from PJO or HP, but cant seem to remember anything valuable for history class. So fucking annoying and stupid.

Guess its getting bad again, my completely undiagnosed, probably nonexistent depression and anxiety.

I hope mr petrocelli is recovering nicely. What a dude.

But yeah I feel like it’s getting bad again. Ive been feeling like im about to throw up for the past month or two, cant seem to feel anything positive for more than a couple minutes, and have been so fatigued that I cant focus on anything.

Fuck man, writing the truth down on here is kinda painful. Like this is probs the 3rd time ive cried while writing this, when ISHOULD be doing homework.

Membean can suck my nonexistent dick. SOOOOOO fucking stupid I hope that I wont have to do it next year because I KNOW most of the words but still get the questions wrong because im given synonyms or I forget how to spell it. Its also EVIDENT I know these words because I use them quite a bit, but NOOOOO I HAVE to do a fucking memorization thing.

I really wish that I could freeze time, because I feel like a damn mirror thats been shattered. The glass shards can still display the image, but it is hard to see. a single hit or amount of stress can cause the shards to collapse and become beyond repair.

Hm, is this like a diary now? This is so damn weird. Who knows 🤷‍♀️ if anyone reads this later on, what’s up lol. Think thats enough for now, sorry to waste your time complaining about some pretty minuscule things…

Shit that was so fucking pathetic, apologizing to someone who probably will never read this anyway. Anyway, hasta la taco, as Asha would say.

Do you think it would be possible to go to the health center and ask for a mental health day or something? I just. Cant do class tomorrow. Just thinking about HOMEWORK (and tomorrow lol) is enough to make me start crying, but the last time I went because of a mental breakdown they told me to stop running away from my problems and to grow up and face it because I wont be able to chicken out in the real world.

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riskeith · 4 years

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aside from that, ur graphics must look incredible! i’ve seen some comparison pics and pc graphics are God Tier. help the second lowest being “high”... good riddance. 😶

summer 2016! it seems so long ago like a whole different universe. everything was so beautiful back then.. everybody was out and about hunting pokémon’s... that zine is so cute! i wouldn’t say main i actually only got into them a little while ago and i’m still mostly tddk and kiribaku but bkdk is interesting.. to say the least. i haven’t seen what happens in the manga (only a bit of spoilers especially that cover...) and s4 didn’t give us That many scenes with them but i’m keeping my eyes open... wbu?

IDK like their descriptions make it seem like they might help you find some specific treasures??? like the gold seelie giving you fortune aka mora? not sure tho hehe... YEAH THAT FANART!!! so cute i wanna eat them all.. forbidden snack. 🥺 omg funny you mention that... i met xiao just earlier for the first time and when i saw his entire outfit i was like.. hm i wonder what he would look like in darker clothing HAHA. but yeah skins would be awesome!!!! like a clothing shop or smth somewhere????? anyway when i saw him i was like HEY that’s cluna’s boy!

ALBEDO IS A BAD BITCH. his hair is perfect perfect perfect. actually everything about him is so perfect he’s just a delicate little guy... 🥺 dude us talking about albedo and opening up the game and seeing his banner is like... 👀 temptation.

with venti??? i’m not sure which quest you mean i did the archon one with him though and it was awesome. does he have more? I DID LOOK IT UP AND MURASE IS MAKING HIS VOICE EVEN HIGHER AND IT’S SO CUTE I WISH I KNEW IT BEFOREHAND SO I COULD’VE HEARD HIS VOICE WHILE DOING THE MISSION. 😭 oh well 😭

hopefully there are some good 4 stars too. who are you wishing for? anyone special? imagine having xingqiu and chongyun.... that’s like the dream. and bennett and razor and you have the boy scout party haha!! do you have mostly claymore users?

i remember you mentioning you don’t like book users but i’ve actually really grown to love them hehe. their long range attacks are so nice and handy! KAZE DA! 😭 bro stop i literally have a crush on venti it’s ridiculous.. imagine closing ur eyes and talking and it’s his voice.... (OR HINATA!!!) murase is so lucky... he seems like such a great guy too ajsksjdk..

ok friends to lovers goodness! 🥺 i’m considering getting twitter just to see fanart... maybe.. o.o

ooooo that’s so thorough! in all caps caught my attention, why do you do that? personally, if it’s something longer i write bulletpoints of the concept but never like... actual plot yk? i’ve tried before but i doesn’t work for me very well. so.. i wing it! and like you i just get inspired randomly, it could be from song lyrics or thinking about tropes i enjoy. 😜

loona is cool! they have this whole story about their group. i highly recommend checking them out! i wonder if they kept it up though lmao. oh yeah everyone loves hozier he just speaks to the soul.. LOVELY IS MY FAVORITE SONG!!!!! LIKE EASILY TOP SONGS OF MY LIFE!!! it makes me so happy that you like it even if you skip it lmaojsjdjsjsjdk and i like billie a lot!! ariana too she has great music.., idk if you’ve heard of the group the neighborhood but i like them too. lana del rey as well! haha guess it’s super basic stuff tbh. all of them with mostly slow songs.. sorry 😭

OK GOOD. all nighters are honestly horrible. i don’t get how people can pull them off and get things done... (hopefully you never have to either!) YEAH haha 8 am is my favorite hour i think... that and 9 pm. they’re just special. what’s your favorite time of day? listen if you stay up to read fics that’s valid. midnight up is like the perfect time to read fics it makes them appear more magical sjdkdhdk.

i hope i caught you today but if not, hope you’re sleeping well babe! ♥️

sorry i was playing genshin! JFKSNXKSNKSJ i started before 12am and before i knew it it was already 1am… my goodness

and yeah i watched this vid comparing the graphic quality settings (i play on the default one) and i was like??? people really be playing like this? LOL can’t relate

edit: missed this paragraph oops but yeah what a time 2016 was! (lmao voltron started that year iirc) i remember we had an athletics event and legit everyone was on their phones jfksnfksnd. oooo! nice tddk and krbk are very good very nice. and also yeah that cover lol i love that you didn’t even have to specify which one i just Know. hmm i think rn bkdk would be one of the top ships i’m interested in aside from todobaku? they just have so much history ya know? and they have a lot of moments in the second movie! oh wait did you know that there are movies? two of them in fact!! the kiribaku is pretty strong in the first one (but there are some todobaku moments too lol). and there are a few OVAs too. WAIT are you all caught up with the anime? can’t rmemeber if you’ve told me or not 😫

oooo if that were the case tho what would the others give? i did like the “sea blue” description or something of the blue one tho 😩 YOU WANNA EAT THEM FJDJCJSKNCSKJCKSNXJS NO!!! but i can understand.. they look very squishy. THAT’S MY BOY!!!!!! honoured you thought of me <33 yo i was also wondering what chongyun would look like in darker clothes too HDKSKDN see this is why i need to learn how to draw.… gotta put them in the clothes i want since we can’t do that in game!! but a shop would be so cute omg

JFKSKSKAKS i’ve legit been staying away from opening the wish menu as much as i can.… it’s too tempting i can’t!!

yeah the archon one is what i meant sorry! forgot the name for it lol. and yes there is! once you reach AR 35 or something you can unlock story quests and venti is one of them 👀👀 RIPPPP BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW NOW 😭😭

i think just xingqiu rn!! i’ve been holding off ascending barbara in hopes of getting him, bc i grinded some oceanid (literally the worst fucking boss ever) before i ascended so i’m just hoarding those materials rn fjskdnd. yesss the boy scouts 😭🥺 but i heard chongyun and razor’s elemental skills cancel each other out so rip.. hmm i did a count and i think i have 3 each of claymore and catalyst users! hbu?

omg nooooo betrayal 😭 tho ngl i’m considering using ningguang bc i see people play her so well.. so i’m just carrying her around in my team hoping to passively level her up HAHAHA. i def appreciate their long range attacks too, lisa’s burst especially is quite nice. CHJDKSKD that’s so cute but also very relatable 😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺 also did you know murase is like tall af it’s kinda crazy lol

there’s /so/ much good fanart!!! it’s where i’m getting a taste of all the ships too lol but yeah there’s angst and fluff and just charas looking s*xy they’ve got it all 😩 but that also reminds me, like most other big fandoms genshin fandom is kinda fkn shit 😔 once again i’m thankful to myself for keeping such a small circle lmaooooo

honestly i don’t know either?? i think it helps me distinguish between what i’m actually writing vs what i’m planning like if i do something like “JUMPS OFF PLATFORM, LANDS IN FRONT. so, are you going to introduce me or do i have to do it myself ETC THEN THEY TALK SUDDENLY there’s the sound of a windchime, and VILLAINS HERE GOTTA FIGHT” it’ll look something like that jdjsndkskd where the lowercase is exact dialogue I wanna write in but the caps is just planning

but winging it ey that’s hot of you 🤪 god do you ever just like thinking about potential ideas before falling asleep but then your phone is far away/you don’t wanna hurt your eyes looking at a screen but then you’re also afraid you’ll forget the idea DJKSXKSK

:o! i think i stayed away bc of the whole “stan loona” thing DHSKKS but i might give them another shot! therefore i am is one of my go to songs rn hehe i really like the beats she uses they’re so funky. i don’t really like ariana sorry FJDJKSKS but she does have a lot of bangers!! side to side… 😘👌 and i do know the neighbourhood! sweater weather is so iconic but lately i’ve been skipping that too aahah. but have you heard daddy issues slowed? oh my god. that singlehandedly started my obsession with slowed songs (ironic isn’t it when you consider i don’t listen to normal slow songs fjsjdj) i like summertime sadness from lana! and young and beautiful too (the radio songs AHAH) but yeah.. they’re slow fjdkksks. how do you feel about halsey + melanie martinez + bastille? (i’m always paranoid about listing artists bc so many get cancelled or what other and i feel like randos are gonna come for me too JDKSKSKA.) oh and troye sivan!! and pentatonix if you’ve heard of them? i was obsessed with those two back in 2015 ahaha

omg crazy.. how!! hm my favourite hour is maybe 12pm? or 2pm? just some time in the afternoon i like when it’s still light outside but it’s also like “after school” time kinda .. and yesss reading fic at late hours… gets me crying more easily 🤪

i don’t think i’ll catch your next reply so goodnight in advance!! hope your day is great <3

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post #can’t tell if it should have a ��read more’ or not bc i’m on mobile LOL #can’t insert one even if i wanted smh tmblr make your app better

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lovelydeceitff · 7 years

Text

Chapter 4

I don’t ever tell you how I really feel, cause I can’t ever find the words to say what I mean… Just a little bit of your heart is all I want

Shay

It’s only been 3 weeks into the semester and sad to say I’m already over it. Well not completely, I guess you can say I’m more overwhelmed. I’m taking 18 credit hours and I’m trying to get a head of my syllabus before I become lazy. My classes aren’t bad.. it’s just a lot of work. I have a solid 3.0 cumulative right now and I’m trying to raise that as high as I can by the end of the year. Im shocked that my gpa isn’t higher than that being that I’ve had over a 3.2 for like 3 semesters but whatever.

Living with Keith has became a bit stressful too… on top of my job and school work. He gets so stressed and takes it out on me. Right now we’re going through a thing where he’ll give me an attitude for no reason at all. I get him food, he has an attitude. I talk to him, he has an attitude. I’ve been dealing with this for so long I really should be used to it. He gets so stressed with school and work that I just become like a fly that won’t leave him alone. I understand. I try my hardest too. But imagine going through this often. Like at least twice a month, but for days each time. It’s tiring.

It makes me not want to be around him, but since he’s staying with me I have to. Some times I just leave my room and hang with the other people in the building when he lays down for bed so I won’t go to sleep angry. He’s so up and down I never know what to expect with him.

Right now I’m in my room waiting for Keith to tell me to come let him in. Today has actually been better than others. We’ve been texting all day and honestly that could be the reason I’m in a great mood. Keith plays a big part in how I’m feeling for the day unfortunately. If he irritates me, I’ll be annoyed until I can get my mind off how much he pissed me off. But today we’re good.

9:06pm Keith❤️: leaving the rec now, I’ll be downstairs in 5 minutes.

Once I got that text, I hurried up and cleaned the little mess I made trying to get dressed this morning then I went down to let him in. He wasn’t there yet, so I conversed with my coworker who was working the front desk until he arrived.

He knocked on the glass door to signal me that he’s here, I went towards the automatic doors so he can come in.

“Hiiii baby” I happily greeted him as he walked in.

“Hey” Keith said dryly.

See, up and down with him. He was just fine.

We’re waiting on the elevator which is right off the sitting area of the lobby. It’s people down here tonight and for some reason I feel like everyone can sense how awkward we look. Well, how uninterested he looks. I always feel this way even though we aren’t talking very loud and chances are no one is paying us any attention.

“How was your day today?” I asked trying to make some type of small talk to break the ice.

“It was cool.”

We got on the elevator. “Yea mines is going pretty good. You okay?”

“Yup”

We got off the elevator and I keyed into my room. Silence. No words from him. No words from me. Keith began to heat himself up some Ramen noodles and then got the books out of his book bag. I guess that’s what’s wrong, he’s stressed again

“You sure you okay? You must have a lot of homework.” I asked

“Im fine. I just have to revise my paper and turn it in. ” Keith said plainly as he started to eat his food.

“Well let me tell you about my day…”

I began to tell Keith about a situation that happened with my coworker and I. I started off with a what would you do question. But I got silence so I never even was able to actually tell my story. I literally asked what would you do if blah blah? And I got nothing back. Was I talking to a damn wall? Come on now.

“Keith, what would you do?”

Silence. He was eating his noodles while starting up his laptop. He gave me silence as if he started revising his paper and was trying to focus. To stop me from snapping, I just quit everything I was doing and went to shower.

This happens too often for me man. Imagine being so excited to talk to your boyfriend just to get pAid dust. All the time. It really sucks because when we’re good, We’re excellent. Imagine your significant other treating you so awesome and like you’re the queen of his world in front of all your friends. Making you smile and feel all special. Just for you to go upstairs to your room and not get that same energy. Instead you feel like you’re unwanted.

Unwanted. That’s how I’ve felt on way too many occasions. I’m fed up. Keith is so complicated and I hate it.

Before getting in the shower, I opened Twitter just to let out some type of frustration.

@ShiningShay: I’m so tired of this shit man

I scrolled a bit then got into the shower. I immediately started to cry. I’m not emotional from this one incident it’s this one and every time and other thing before it. He keeps coming to MY room and won’t even talk to me. That’s so disrespectful. Act like you love me, then you can get all sour. This particular thing has been going on for a few days. Eventually we’ll be good again, I just don’t know when.

I got out of the shower. And just relaxed in my towel for a minute. I didn’t even want to leave the bathroom. I grabbed my phone just to find a text message from Chris.

10:02pm Chris: You okay?

10:07pm Shai: Yea, I’m fine. Thanks for asking.

I really just wanted to tell him everything that’s going on. But, that’s against the code. You don’t tell your relationship problems to another man.

10:07pm Chris: No problem, just checking on you. How’s your relationship going?

This is not an uncommon question for Chris to ask. I was never able to figure out why he asks me this. I think he just wants to make small talk, but sometimes I’m like naw…he wants to know if I’m single.

10:08pm Shai: Going good, hbu? Got yourself a girl yet?

Last semester, our spring semester of sophomore year, he’d come to my room in between our classes and we’d talk about his girl problems. Seriously. His girl problems, his friend problems, and any other thing. He claims he’d come to my room to nap since he moved off campus but this dude never went to sleep. He’d always wanna talk.

I decided to leave the bathroom. Keith and I still said no words to each other, it was still awkward and I kept laughing because of it. Not too long after i made myself comfortable, Keith closed his computer and got in the shower. I always feel like he’s cheating on me when these times come around. Keith honestly doesn’t have much time to cheat and I truly believe he couldn’t. I become the girlfriend that checks her boyfriends phone around times like this. I know, horrible. But can you blame me? If Keith isn’t talking to me, he gotta be talking to somebody but no. He’s never secretive. He’ll leave his phone around me, even ask me to check and respond to messages. He doesn’t do weird things that make me suspect that he’s cheating other than not talk to me.

It doesn't help that Keith is as fine as he is. So I always end up thinking some girl stole his attention from me. Keith and I met through mutual friends but I already knew who he was prior to us meeting. He was literally jaw dropping fine. I seen him and was stuck one day. Yea I don't know how I got him. But the universe wanted us together for whatever reason. It worked out though. Through his rollsrcoaster emotions we made it 1 year and 6 months. We'll make 2 years in March. If we can get to March.

10:24pm Chris: Lol no, no girlfriend. You know that.

10:25 Shai: I was just asking lol remember last semester you was telling me about those girls. You said you was thinking about wifing one.

10:25 Chris: Oh yeah! Wow Shay, that was so long ago. Things changed lol. If I had a girl, you’d know. No doubt.

I probably wouldn’t know. I don’t talk to Chris like that. We made a promise that we’d try to work on our friendship over the summer. We said that when school started we’d talk and hang more. So here we are.

Keith came out of the bathroom and began getting his things together for tomorrow.

“Did you get your paper turned in?” I asked him

“Yes” He said, but this time not as dry.

10:29pm Shai: You’ll get one lol then we’ll see.

I turned my phone on vibrate. I didn’t want to start any arguments on why Chris was texting me. Keith and Chris don’t know each other. They’re two different kind of guys, they’d probably never even run into each other. I don’t mind them knowing each other, Keith does know that Chris and I are friends. I just don’t want him to trip that it’s 10:30 and we’re talking about him not having a girlfriend. Even though the conversation isn’t like that.

Keith got into bed after he finished up his nightly routine. He told me goodnight and rolled over. I continued to play on my phone and text Chris. Homecoming is in 2 and a half weeks so I’m choosing between my final 3 outfits so I can order them. Homecoming came quick this year. September 30. Like wtf. We just started school. How can I focus on school work and what I’m gonna wear to the hoco parties??

I sent pics to my best friends, Ashley and Kammy. We’ve been helping each other so we won’t go out looking busted. Or in the same outfit.

I eventually finished up my convo with Chris. He asked me what I was doing, I lied and told him I was going to sleep. We ended our conversation with a goodnight. I really didn’t wanna keep talking with him. Plus I really did need to go to sleep.

————

I woke up the next morning to Keith calling me to open my door. He went to work and class. So it’s almost 9:30am. I hate being woken up out of my sleep so much. He knows that but, I’ve been doing better. I normally give him a huge attitude when he calls in the morning to open my door. I have no clue how he gets in the building but whatever. He came in and greeted me happily, shockingly. He talked to me about work and then we went back to sleep until it was time for his next class and my first.

I woke up to Keith preparing for his next class, meaning that it’s time for me to wake up. It’s 10:50. My class is at 12. I kissed Keith goodbye and then checked my phone.

10:37am Chris: Goodmorning Shay 😌

I sent him a good morning back while carrying confusion all over my face. I don’t usually get a good morning message from Chris. I thought he was gonna say that he was about to come over and nap before his class or something. Like he used to. But no instead he sent:

10:40am Chris: how’s your morning going?

Since when does this happen? I only get messages like this from Keith. He texts me good morning everyday while he’s at work. Chris must be trying to make sure I’m not sad from yesterday. Matter of fact, that HAS to be why. It is why. That’s how Chris is. Being thoughtful and trying to make sure others are happy.

10:45 Shai: just getting started, I just woke up

10:46 Chris: I forgot you said you start at 12! Well enjoy your day Shay 😌

Let me stop thinking so hard on this…

Time to enjoy my day, as he said.

#chris brown ff #chris brown fanfic #chris brown #keith powers #keith powers fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #lovelydeceit #chapters

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seoschangbin · 5 years

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hello!!! nice new icon omg💞gosh i'm sorry your final went terribly): hopefully you did better than expected!!! always remember that as long you did your best thats all that matters🙇🏻‍♀️but only one left!!! you got this rachel😌n hmmm well honestly i chose my major bc it was my last option. i don't really have anything i'm good at n most of the majors at my uni don't appeal to me. i speak spanish n love my language so i thought majoring in it can't be too bad😥wbu? what do you major in? -🎁💫

aah thank u!! i saw felix look all petty nd my brain went: gotta make him my icon 😌 hopefully! not sure when marks are gonna be released but 😭 no one’s fault but mine 😭 but thank u! good luck on ur finals as well!

do u enjoy ur major at least! :o nd i major in microbiology + immunology!

omg for real??!!😭💞gosh thats absolutely amazing!!! just makes me even More excited for skzs future!💞my fave skz track, man, the toughest q!😭when i first got into skz i was Obsessed with n/s... n i still LOVE it so i'd have to say its my fave! i really have been loving spread my wings lately too tho😌💗wbu??? n which title do you think is their best? get cool concept, CUTEST! hope we get more of that🥺first music show today!!! hope they get to promote more! yet... i do want em to rest😖-🎁💫

me too!! i think they helped writing the intros to the albums so its like 😞💕 but me too!! felix always says that he’d become a songwriter if he wasn’t an idol like ! show me songwriter felix! also omg.. n/s is ur fav! i didn’t like it for a while but now im like.. gremlin rap in the word of jo 😌 but i lovee spread my wings as well! my fav is probably voices or you can stay (*basic*) but my fav title is side effects! do u have a fav title? me too... me wanting skz to rest vs. me wanting to see them more 🤙😔

miroh first win chan omg🥺🤲🏼honestly i don't normally like blonde on most idols for some reason (probably bc i'm a mega dark haired enthusiast🥺) but omg it suits chan so well. for sure miss the waves n the soft aussie surfer boy style!!💓hehe definitely agreed with light haired binnie!!! i'm ngl terrified of a possible platinum blonde binnie but idk i feel like he'd pull it off! either way i'm mega biased so i'm sure i'll love it if the day came🙇🏻‍♀️HIS SELFIES THOUGH... how we feeling-🎁💫

me too!! the aussie surfer boy rly just pops in chan 😫 honestly i dont know if he’d pull it off but i wanna SEE he’s cute anyways so 😣😣 his selfies r so cute i wanna cry every time his changbeekies !!

what brought me into skz...🥺it was truly their music that pulled me in! i've been into kpop since 2016 n ulted another group before n skz just hit really different! when i got into them i got into their music first so when i first listened to them i had no idea how they looked like bc i didn't watch any MVs or anything! until i looked up lyric videos n i saw how sweet they seemed! then i watched some videos of em n they were just so charming! i couldn't resist💞wbu? how did it all begin! -🎁💫

oh which group before skz!! oh CUTE their music rly is what cemented it for me too + they’re so cute and the biggest sweeties 💕 mine was just my tumblr dash freaking about lil aussie felix nd i decided to give their show a go LOL

gotta get onto this new content!!!😤💞i saw a clip of hyunjin smacking changbin's tush with a hammer on asc n god the way i lost it bc binnie was just sticking it all out with confidence djskjd. i mean embrace your beef my dude!!! n gosh any group with animals is so so so cute, most wholesome concept😭💞eee so you've been here since the beginning! thats so nice hehe, elite stay😌💓n tysm!!! i just have one more final sunday n then another one tuesday n i'm free!😎i hope you've been well!💞 -🎁💫

omg mdfkgj that video was so funny they’re so cute i love changjin 😭 our beefy beefcake.. yea. He! omg i kno!! that would be so wholesome their bunny episode was so cute but skz all seem to rly like dogs/cats so 😣 omg u know this blog was made october 2017 makgkja I CANT BELIEVE I’VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG 😭 they’re the first group i’ve been into from the beginning so its :’( so much content being released left n right we’re drowning

also here are a few qs i've got bc i'm quite curious n a lil nosy!!!🙇🏻‍♀️how did binnie become your bias??? was he always your bias? got any fave binnie moments??? any bias wreckers? always nice to know the bias basics!!! feel free to gush!!!😚💕-🎁💫

hehe bin’s RAP it’s so good he’s prob my fav rapper!! when i heard him doing matroshyka i was Hooked 😭 hbu how did u choose chan as ur bias hehe! + SO Many binnie moments i’ll have to think of a list for next time + my wreckers are felix and hyunjin recently those 3 have the cutest friendship!

#SORRY FOR PARAGRAPHS hope ur doing well! sorry for my late reply hope ur doing well!#anonymous #ask

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enlit12ww · 6 years

Photo

Congratulations! You have a new match!

This is the third time I have read the same six words today. I just turned 20 yesterday and yet I still haven’t engaged in a romantic relationship. It’s not that no guy has ever tried making a move. In fact, I can’t even count the number of men I rejected in the past. It’s just every guy I meet doesn’t fit my type. Some were too lanky, others lacked definition, and most looked unappealing.

This is why I recently signed up on Tinder[1], the ever-so famous dating app[2], hoping to finally see the one. With a single swipe[3], I can easily snatch any good-looking guy. But then most of the time, the attractive men were either tactless, rude or even worse, vulgar.

“Could be just another troll[4]”, I muttered under my breath as the sound of the ping[5] didn’t excite me as much anymore.

Lam-Ang, 22, Manila. Hello! I am awfully new to Tinder, so I apologize to the people I accidentally swiped right on!

I found myself giggling as I read over his bio[6]. I’d love a humorous man. However, the real deal lies on this random stranger’s photos. Why were there only two? Perhaps, he still wasn’t familiar with the app. Lam-Ang’s only photos were him smiling with a dog by the beach and him on top of a mountain. Well, I couldn’t see his face on the second photo, but from the first one, my jaw instantly dropped. Lam-Ang was probably over six feet tall. He had broad shoulders and a chiseled jaw. His furrowed eyebrows were offset by the boyish grin he had painted on his face. He was gorgeous.

“Very charming… Well, here goes nothing”, I sighed as I had my fingers crossed while staring at the three dots[7] on our empty conversation box.

Hello, Ines! Please know that I didn’t accidentally swipe right this time!

Hi! Oh, really now?

Yes. Btw[8], you can call me Lam.

How would I know you aren’t just being polite, Lam?

I swear I really am telling the truth.

You swear?

Yes. Trust me. Anyway, how’s your day going?

My day’s been pretty much normal. Nothing exciting. Hbu[9]?

Well, I’m still getting the hang of this Tinder thing. I never thought it would be this complicated.You’ll get the hang of it, don’t worry. I remember on my first day I unintentionally swiped right on a guy twice my age. It was sad because I didn’t know how to respectfully turn down his sugar daddy[10] offer.

Oh, damn. That’s unlucky.

I know I felt bad.

Not for him. For you! It’s not every day you get an offer like that.

WOW. Are you fr[11]?

I was kidding! Brb[12], Hayley stepped on a fork and now she’s crying.

Who’s Hayley?

Oh, Hayley’s my dog! The cute pup on my profile is her.

____________

Lam and I conversed day and night, for days and weeks. He was such a breath of fresh air. His charming personality added an intensity to his good looks which I absolutely admired. Our relationship was actually going way better than I expected, but the problem was that he would always be unavailable when I wanted to meet up or video chat. I was starting to become skeptical, so one day, I dropped the bomb[13].

Hey, Lam. Is there something wrong?

What do you mean? What made you say that?

It’s because you’d always start to slow-fade[14] whenever I try to initiate a video call or a meet up.

Hey, I don’t do that. I’m just really busy these past few days. I’ll make it up to you.

Okay, if that’s what you say. So, are you free Friday night?

Friday night? Er, I have a dinner with my friends.

But that’s what you said last week! Don’t you think it’s time for us to finally meet in person?

Alright, I’m sorry. Let’s meet up at that restaurant you love near your place.

Great! I can’t wait!

____________

It was Friday. The day I get to finally meet the man of my dreams. I put on my favorite red dress and arrived at my favorite restaurant just on time.

I scanned the bar for a guy wearing a white button-down. Finally, I see him seated at the farthest corner. From afar, I could already tell that he was skinnier than I expected. As I was walking towards him, I got confused. The guy wearing the white button-down was nowhere near the beautiful man I saw on Tinder. He was slim and angular, and his features were not as striking. Immediately, I turned around. Perhaps, that wasn’t him. I looked for another guy wearing a white button-down, but then to my surprise, someone tapped my shoulder.

It was him. The scrawny guy.

“Ines?”, he mentioned with a bashful and somewhat embarrassed tone.

“How do you know me? Who are you?”

“It’s me, Lam”, he answered and with that, I stormed out.

“No, you aren’t Lam. Lam is six feet tall with broad shoulders and a chiseled jaw. He is gorgeous, breathtaking even. He’s nothing like you!”, I said as my tone increased.

“This is me. I’m so sorry, Ines. This is why I didn’t want to meet up. I had a feeling you would react this way. I didn’t know how else to tell you because I really liked you and I thought telling you about the truth would just ruin everything”, he tried to explain.

“Well, you just did. I can’t believe you catfished[15] me!”, I retorted.

“Are you really this dense, Ines? I genuinely apologize for having to cover what I look like but do know that everything else was sincere. I really like you, but now that you think of it that way, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has superficial and hollow ideas of what love and beauty are”, Lam said as he walked away.

1 Tinder: Tinder is the world’s most popular app for meeting new people. It is a location-based social search mobile app that allows users to like (swipe right) or dislike (swipe left) other users, as well as permits users to chat if both parties swiped to the right. It is a platform commonly used by young adults ages 18 to 24 in order to engage in a sexual or romantic relationship.

2 App: App is short for the term application which means a downloadable software for a mobile device.

3 Swipe: Swiping is central to Tinder’s design. Users swipe right to “like” potential matches and swipe left to “dislike” or continue on searching for other potential matches.

4 Troll: An internet troll is someone who actively go out of their way to cause trouble on the internet. Their intent in engaging in social media platforms are commonly for disruptive and misleading purposes - often for no real reason at all.

5 Ping: A ping is the sound a mobile device makes whenever it receives a notification.

6 Bio: Bio is short for biography which is a space allotted for users to introduce themselves on the Internet.

7 Three dots: The three dots in an application refer to the opposite user typing a message.

8 Btw: An abbreviation for ‘by the way’

9 Hbu: An abbreviate for ‘how about you?’

10 Sugar daddy: A sugar daddy is a rich older man who lavishes gifts on a young woman in return for her company or sexual favors. An attractive young woman and a generous older man engaged in this type of relationship is termed as a sugar baby relationship.

11 Fr: An abbreviation for ‘for real’

12 Brb: An abbreviation for ‘be right back’

13 Drop the bomb: To drop the bomb is to do or say something very shocking and unexpected.

14 Slow-fade: Slow-fading is where a person slowly winds down contact with the other person he or she has been dating, leaving longer and longer between replies.

15 Catfishing: A catfish is someone who adopts a fictional online persona, particularly to lure someone into a relationship and to pursue deceptive online romances. Catfishers would often use fake profile pictures, names and even genders. The term “catfishing” gained popularity after the 2010 film Catfish. The movie is based on the story of a man named Yaniv Schulman who fell in love with a girl online who was actually using a fake identity.

#lit1 #18

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lameiskate · 7 years

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1. tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now? i don’t like anyone

2. what on your body is hurting or bothering you? nothing

3. what was your last thought before going to bed last night? tbh who knows i’m always thinkin of weird shit

4. what are you listening to? one last time - girls’ generation

5. what’s something you’re not looking forward to? dealing w cathy bothering me abt richard :)

6. where do you think your best friend is right now? one is at work ?!/??? idk abt the other one u literally never know where she might be

7. have you kissed anybody in the last five days? what do u think

8. favorite song? i have a lot of favs rn it’s one last time and light up the sky by girls’ generation

9. kiss on the first date? sure

10. is there one person you want to be with right now? not really

11. are you seriously happy with where you are in life? no :)

12. is there something you would like to say to someone? YEAH TO BOTH CATHY AND RICHARD BUT 2 TOTALLY DIF THINGS!!!

13. what are three things you did today? peed, brushed my teeth, been the world’s worst daughter!!!

14. would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over? tbh idk that depends normally i’d say them come over here but idk rn

15. what is your favorite kind of gum? anything mint

16. are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/girlfriends? not that i know of

17. what is on your wrists right now? skin!!!! wow!!!!!!

18. ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? PROBABLY

19. does anyone have strong feelings for you? no

20. are you slowly drifting away from someone? lol

21. have you ever wasted your time on someone? O HELL YEAH

22. can you do the alphabet in sign language? no

23. how have you felt today? AWFUL HBU

24. you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on? idk probably nothing

25. what is wrong with you right now? the same thing as usual!!! i hate myself!! i don’t eat for days at a time!!!! and i haven’t spoken to my dad in over a month!!

26. is there anyone you’re really disappointed in? :)

27. would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now? STARBUCKS

28. why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore? ew

29. how late did you stay up last night and why? idk like 2 bc it’s hard for me to fall asleep

30. when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? IDR SOME TIME YESTERDAY

31. what were you doing an hour ago? BOPPIN TO ATL

32. what are you looking forward to in the next month? leaving clayton!!!

33. are you wearing jeans right now? I AM NOT WEARING PANTS

34. are you a patient person? i am but not when i’m waiting for ppl to meet up w me???

35. do you think you can last in a relationship for three months? no :)

36. favorite color? white, black, green

37. did you have a dream last night? no

38. are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? homie i told u i’m not wearing pants

39. if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be? i wouldn’t

40. do you love anyone who is not related to you? ya????????

41. if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? no :)

42. do you like meeting new people? tbh no get away from me

43. are you afraid of falling in love? PROBABLY

44. ever self-harmed or starved yourself? LMAO

45. has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? ya

46. have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? did u mean always

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reenignegolb-blog · 7 years

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Mental Health

So somebody mentioned today that they wish they could feel numb. That is really personal to me. How lucky you are to wish you felt that way, if you already are not numb. I consider it being stuck in a living hell, purgatory. Sometimes we all get in those moods, the low points of existence, and in the middle of a conversation, you just say something dark like ‘yeah I hate grapes they are really sour xD! Oh speaking of that, I hate myself hbu?’ I wish I could describe what it actually means to be numb, and what it does to you. I have very strong emotions. I went through the ringer with substance abuse. I was self medicating to normalize my mental state, whether I was getting too angry or sad. Think bpd levels of emotions. I am not just depressed all the time, which is what some people think, since I mentioned that I have depression once or twice. I feel extreme emotions. I was a sensitive person in general, and still am. One thing was always the same, regardless of the highs and lows of a come-up and come-down. I didn’t feel anything. I became numb. Goal accomplished right? Now nothing will ever worry or get to me. Right...and wrong. One day it hits you, when your driving, or taking a shower, or when you decide to run at 2 am in the morning. Whenever you have time to think. Some people self induce numbness as a self defense mechanism. Your emotions are at war, and managing your emotions, experiences in life, time, all within your surroundings, is too much to handle, when everything just collides with one another. Your brain or body shuts down completely. You could also make a conscious choice to shut away whatever caused you pain, and repress your existence so much you become numb.

For those already struggling with mental health, this is the worst idea possible. This is not just physical isolation, which can help introverts recover energy levels, but isolating yourself from anything and everything that causes you to feel. That strawberry yogurt you liked and always bought? You don’t necessarily like it anymore, it is just yogurt. You start eating plain yogurt, you begin to not eat yogurt, what is the point? You feel the same eating oats. Every other food as well. Now you are eating because humans need energy, not because you were pumped to eat that delicious pizza. You don’t even feel good after eating it. It takes too much energy to eat.

Our brain is not good at differentiating what exactly is causing the source of pain. You try to only repress what is causing you to be anguished, but your brain is a complex machine with flaws and goes into overdrive trying to solve your problems. It cannot just shut down one specific emotion, it represses all of your emotions. Without emotions your life is skimmed down. Every piece of your life is slowly replaced, from yogurt to oats because your brain associated events and activities and people and food with emotions. Your life becomes gray and bland like oats. Once you are numb, it is hard to get back to normal.

I think I can at least try to describe the experience. You are breathless, almost comatose. You ever have a nightmare where something is chasing you, and you try to run, but your legs are going slow, they are heavy as lead bricks, or not moving at all? That is what feeling numb is like. You feel like you are suffocating, trapped in nightmarish dream. You are standing in a crowd of people, everyone having a good time and laughing, but you are not involved. At least you made it, but nobody really invited you. You decided to show up because you wanted back in on life, but you have forgotten what it is like to feel, so how can you connect with anybody? Nobody in the crowd notices you. You are invisible. People can normally sense the energy you are sending, but you are not sending any energy. You have none to send. You try to talk to somebody, they ignore you. You are anxious, and yell really loud in hopes they do, and everybody in the room turns their back to you. You go home, wondering why this is happening. You don’t remember the party being this way. Last time people talked to you. What changed? You just don’t feel. After a really short time, you decide you want to be active again, and involved socially with people and get out in the world, express yourself to others with grace in full fledged awesomeness. But you can’t. You are stuck in your present state. You lose connection with reality, after all, emotions are a huge part of processing reality. You are disconnected from people, from joy, happiness, love, from what you thought your life would be like before you became numb. You are empty. Numbness becomes your comfort zone. Leaving your comfort zone would mean feeling again, but you already convinced your brain it is too difficult. Emptiness is a good word to use. When you are empty, other things stem from that. You may begin to feel unloved, unwanted, worthless, a whole boatload of personal problems you do not need in your fantastic life.

Feeling numb is like dissociation, they are related if not the same. Dissociating sucks ass don’t even argue that. You don’t want that realization to hit you one day like it did to me. I am glad I allow myself to feel now. For a personal story, I remember wanted to explode, to scream, but that wouldn’t be possible, I couldn’t even feel if I wanted to. It was terrifying. I was just sitting there, and in deep thought about myself. I felt like an alien, not being able to feel anything, I began to dissociate. A slight panic attack was coming, I was ramping up my worrying that I was stuck. I drove to a trail to run, running was the only time I could feel. I was stretching on a tree, and looked at the sky. Time didn’t matter anymore. I looked down at my hands, and punched the tree. I looked at my hand, where the bark had scraped my fingers and my knuckle was seeping blood. I remember thinking so rationally, logically, that pain was just nerves in the skin reacting to some kind of input, like a damn circuit. Did I just feel that? Or were my nerves just working. I ran as fast as I could. It didn’t matter where I was going, I was trying to run away from myself, I hated myself. Why couldn’t I feel like everyone else? It was going to get dark soon, but I didn’t care. My legs were getting sore from the lactic acid. Mosquitoes filled the space around me, but I couldn’t see them, a few landed on the back of my throat. I coughed them up, my lungs barely keeping up with the pace. My heart was pounding harder than I ever felt before. I ran faster, until my chest hurt, and I collapsed on the ground. The damp ground wet my shirt. The blades of grass tickled my neck. The sweat evaporating from my skin gave me chills. I was hyperventilating to get enough oxygen. The sky looked so beautiful. A crazy wide smile worked its way across my face, I started laughing and crying. I felt so many emotions, all of them at once, all the emotions that I was repressing in order to feel numb.

It takes time to let yourself feel again when you are ready. I was ready, but was numb for so long I had to re-train my brain. Some people who cut do so to feel something. I am arguing exercise is a healthy way to hurt yourself. Push your body to its physical limits. You will definitely feel something.A lot of my hobbies are adrenaline related. I love roller coasters, hiking the tallest mountains and racing down them on a pair of skis, jumping waves with jet skis with sharks in the water. The more dangerous the more I feel. People say I have resting bitch face, but it is more dissociation related, since I use to be extremely anxious, and still am but to a lesser extent. I use to say that I felt nothing, in the sense that the appropriate emotions refused to occur, but also it was physical numbness. Don’t be numb, remember what it is to be human. You wouldn’t want to see a cat get run over and not care, or forget important events in your life because they were associated with emotions, and lose people who give you emotions (good and bad). You actually become a horrible person, especially to those you care about because you cannot empathize. You don’t want to need to cry but have the inability to let that negative energy out. Don’t numb yourself, in any way, consciously or through drugs, causing dissociation and more problems. Face your problems head on. Feel everything all the way to your bones. Use your feelings to inspire passion in yourself, and in others. Love yourself, because you still can feel love, and love others for who they are, not who you want them to be. Be the agent of change you want in your life, and inspire others to change for the better too.

To avoid numbness, stay active, physically and mentally. I suggest running, walking ,or yoga as something most people can do. Exercise your brain, both sides! That means reading, or laughing at the comedian, or adding up the prices in your head grocery shopping as you toss things in the cart. Read some news especially. Formulate your own opinion and pick apart the one you are reading. Embrace your senses daily! I love the smell of coffee. Every morning I wake up and step outside, maybe just in my boxers and let the fresh air hit me before the sun hasn’t fully risen, then go inside and make coffee and think about its smell. Sure I’d kill you if you talked to me in the morning, but at least I try. Do you feel like absolute shit because you slept 3 hours after having a bad night? That is okay, just be grateful you are feeling that emotion. Think on that emotion, but let it pass. How many other days have you felt that emotion? Did you make it to a better mind state some time later in life? Of course you did. Dreading interaction with somebody who particularly is a dementor in real life? Be kind and friendly to them, don’t associate any negative emotions with them, joke around, spread some positivity. Whatever feeling you are trying to avoid, embrace it. You can change your own perceptions of things. Even if you feel like shit it will pass, in the mean time you can help others feel good and they will definitely help you feel better. Whatever you are going through, don’t just wish it away. I too often find myself wishing myself out of existence, but that is completely unrealistic. What is better is to find yourself. Society has conditioned you for years. Kids are not kids forever. Remember how you were as a child. Let yourself feel wonder and joy. Focus your energy on important things, it is true you will attract whatever you are thinking about. Grow through the hard times. Seriously just fucking try.

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