#feeling overwhelmed lol… friday is my last day of work i think i’ll probably cry

[1ovestay]

oh man i am running out of time!!!!!!!

[outofsstyles]

a/n: This is by far THE MOST requested fic I’ve ever had and (a year later) it’s finally here!! First of all, sorry that it took me so long but when I first wrote Wildest Dreams I never intended on it having a follow up, but the amount of love I got from it was so overwhelming that I decided to put this together for you all :) I’m not gonna lie, I’m a bit nervous about it, considering the amount of requests I’ve had the past year, I know there’s gonna be a lot of expectations and I wanted to do something a bit different so it’s not too predictable lol. So yeah, as always, feedback is very much welcomed!! If you enjoy please reblog it to support my writing, it would mean the world to me <3

word count: 13.7k

warnings: none!

concept: It’s Evan’s birthday and he decides to do something a bit different.

Wildest Dreams: read part 1 here :)

                                               ~*~ ~*~  ~*~

In the last two steps, you have to use your leg to support the box as it starts to slowly slip down your fingers. This serves as a reminder to start exercising again now that the midterm is over — meaning that you should finally give in to Nia’s pleas to join her in the free week of Pilates classes she got when signing in at the gym, “Exercising is one of the best ways to relieve stress!” She would argue, to which you’d simply reply with something along the lines of: “So does binging another trashy reality tv show!”

Thankfully, no one seems to notice your struggle, sparing you the embarrassment of listening to their teases due to your difficulty in carrying one of the smallest boxes of the bunch. Nate barely glances at you once you finally reach the car to hand him the box, only shooting the longest smile you’ve ever seen coming from him—which somehow still manages to be probably the quickest when compared to any other regular person. His girlfriend, who stands with hands on her hips, entirely held his attention. Nia’s purple strands of hair poke out of her half-bun in every direction and her bottom lip has found its permanent spot between her teeth as her eyes fixate on the vehicle in front of her, barely blinking.

“Everything alright, Ni?” You prompt, trying to even your breathing. “Forgot something? There’s still time to check.”

“It’s not that.” She mumbles, shaking her head to break out of her thoughts. “My keyboard doesn’t fit.” Nia nods at the instrument lying on top of the car’s ceiling.

“Oh,” You say, frowning your lips as you take in her stressed figure. Clearing your throat, you attempt to blurt out a joke, “Maybe it’s a sign you shouldn’t move it and stay right here in our little flat with creaky doors.”

She breathes out a sharp laugh, finally looking at you as she drops her arms. “Don’t start.” She warns, “You promised; no crying today.”

“Don’t worry, I’m good at holding back the tears.” You give her a soft smile, pulling her smaller frame into a hug. The sudden reality of your best friend and roommate leaving you hitting you at once. “Gonna miss you, Ni.”

You feel her sigh into your shoulder, arms circling around your middle. “I’ll be ten minutes away.”

“Not the same.”

“I know.”

The two of you sway in silence for a moment, and you watch from over her shoulder as Nate attempts to awkwardly pick up the keyboard, almost dropping it on the sidewalk in the process. He grunts, the instrument tilting in his arms, and you giggle as you hear Nia sigh once more. Tightening your arms around her, you release each other as she turns to check on her boyfriend who holds the instrument as you would a newborn — except this one is half his size and hard as a wood plank.

He glances between the both of you, helpless. “Uh, where does this go?”

“You can put it with the other big boxes upstairs, babe. We’ll take them Sunday.” Nia says, moving to close the trunk. She looks back at him, calling back in a sing-like voice before he disappears inside, “Thank you!”

You lean back against the car, a playful pout plumping your bottom lip. “Am I only seeing you again on Sunday, then?”

“Nope, I’ll pick you up for Evan’s birthday — did you forget about it already?”

You have. “Of course not. It’s on — tomorrow.”

“Is it tomorrow?” Nia gasps, eyes widening. “Holy shit, tomorrow’s Friday.”

You nod slowly, just as shocked as she is about how quickly the past couple of weeks have flown by. Between piles of book reports and stress-tear-stained essays during midterms week, you also had to find some time to help Nia with packing boxes while searching for a new roommate for yourself. If you managed a five-hour sleep on these past days, that would have been a well-rested night. So you can’t really blame yourself for forgetting about Evan’s birthday when Nia herself had it slipping through her mind.

“This is an emergency,” Nia says, eyes focusing on a point beyond you and, you feel like, if you listen close enough, you can hear the engines inside her head working. “I’ll have come here earlier so you can help me with my outfit.”

You chuckle. “What even is the theme this year?”

“He didn’t tell me,” Nia says in a huff. “But, on the bright side, I don’t think this year he’ll do anything too crazy — he was too busy these last couple months with that short film I told you about, remember?”

“Evan doing something low key? That’s a first.” You raise your eyebrows, skeptical.

“I mean, I don’t know. I’m just guessing.” Nia shrugs, picking at her nails. “I’m only saying because he mentioned once he was only inviting, like, twenty people.”

Now, this is a surprise. “I’m glad I made the cut, then.”

It’s not a secret to anyone who’s ever had any kind of interaction with Evan that he’s fond of the dramatics of life ��� his bright-colored outfits with mismatching patterns being the first example that comes to mind — and that reflects as well in his events. Especially when it comes to his birthday.

To be fair, you’ve only actually been to two birthday parties of his so far — considering the invitation usually finds you because he’s close to Nia and sees you as some sort of extension of her. Nevertheless, they were both impactful enough that left a clear impression of how much he enjoys celebrating himself. Last year in particular you remember quite well. It was what he called “Evaney” themed; being a mix of himself and his favorite artist: Britney Spears. And, while you and Nia showed up as one of at least fifteen different variations of the Baby One More Time schoolgirl outfit, Evan pulled a perfect match of the Oops! I Did It Again red bodysuit that he got one of his fashion student friends to tailor for him, as well as freshly dyed beach blonde hair to suit it. He even went as far as photoshopping pictures of himself on Britney’s body and had them printed on posters hung on every single room of the house. There were even custom-made cups and napkins with them — two of them that Nia stole at the end of the party still sit somewhere in your kitchen to this day.

Another particular thing you remember quite clearly was that there were enough people crowded in his living room to fill up your entire apartment, as you recall. And that’s about how a typical event at his home is like — even on his friendsmas dinner there were much more than just twenty people eating turkey out of disposable hot pink plates. So, Nia’s information leaves you wondering what he could have in mind for tomorrow with such a limited list of people.

Before you can voice your wonders to her, though, Nate pushes through the entrance door again. You can tell he, much like you minutes ago, is trying to cover his heavy breathing. “I left it on top of those big boxes with a bunch of books in ‘em.”

“Brilliant! Thank you, baby.” Nia grins, wrapping an arm around his middle. “By the way, we just remembered Evan’s birthday’s tomorrow.”

“Is it tomorrow already?” Nate asks, and you hold back a giggle at the way his face scrunches in discontent. He hates going to Evan’s to a point that’s nearly comical. “Fuck’s sake.”

“And I think I’ll come here early so we can get ready together.” Nia nods towards you.

Nate grunts. “Do I have to go this time?” 

“Of course, darling.” She rises to her tiptoes to pinch his cheek, to which he brushes it off.

Nate looks at you, and you only send him a tight smile in solidarity. The two of you share similar experiences with Evan, considering the only reason either of you even gets invited is that because you’re close to Nia, and she’s close to Evan. Although you like Evan, even if you’re not that close with him, you can still put on your social mask for a couple of hours and have fun at his parties. Nate, on the other hand, is likely the least sociable person you’ve ever met, and it’s obvious how uncomfortable he gets every time. 

Nia seems to sense how tense he gets as well, because she steps in front of her boyfriend, finding his eyes with her doe-like ones. “I mean, if you don’t want to, then you don’t have to.”

He sighs, “Of course I’ll go with you.” He looks up at you. “Maybe this time we can actually count how many faces of his we can see from the couch.”

This time you don’t hold back a giggle. “I have a feeling we’ll have an easier time this year.”

“Hope so.” Nate taps on Nia’s back. "Let's go, then? Is everything you need in the trunk?”

“Yup.” She answers, circling the car and opening the door to the passenger’s side. Before entering, she gives you one last look. “Do you want me to bring anything for you tomorrow?”

“I’m good.”

“‘kay!” She enters, closing the door behind her in a click and leaning over Nate to wave at you from his window. “See you tomorrow! Don’t cry too hard tonight!”

“I won’t!” You wave back.

Watching as the car pulls back, before driving away and disappearing around the corner, there’s a light breeze that raises goosebumps on the exposed skin of your arms. You cross them under your chest, leaning back into the wall of your building, not quite ready to go back to your empty home yet. The seconds blend into minutes and you stand there The promise you made to Nia not even a minute ago already pooling in your eye, knowing you wouldn’t be able to keep it anyway, you let it tickle its way down your cheek.

A rougher gust of wind hits you and, this time, you turn to go inside.

                                              ~*~ ~*~  ~*~

The days are still not long enough so that the sun can shine proudly at seven in the afternoon, but as spring just about rounds the corner there’s still a golden glow as the rays provide one last warmth before disappearing on the horizon. And that’s how the sky greets you once you step out of your building to make your way towards Evan’s house for his birthday.

As planned, Nia arrived at yours with plenty of time so the two of you could help each other get ready, a bag filled with clothes she’s just taken to Nate’s yesterday under her arm for you to help her choose. “I’m thinking something monochromatic tonight.” She said as she walked in, making you jump in your spot on the couch as you didn’t hear her using the spare key. “I’m just not sure what color.” 

She ended up choosing red. There was an old box of red hair dye you found lost inside the bathroom cabinet after Nia left — along with two different brands of shaving cream, although those belonging to Nate — and, after presenting it to her, she decided to go all for it, taking it as a sign. Nate showed up just about an hour after his girlfriend, still in his work attire and barely batting an eye at Nia’s new hair color as she blew dried it. The only comment leaving his mouth being, “You look like a tomato,” before kissing her forehead and excusing himself for a nap while the two of you finished getting ready.

What neither of you realized was that Nia’s last-minute decision took more time than you predicted, giving you barely enough time to get dressed. To her, that wasn’t exactly an inconvenience considering she had an outfit ready to match any color she wanted — in this case, was a red-dyed denim two-piece. and a matching jacket that ended up discarded after she noticed it covered her newest shoulder tattoo (though you tried to argue she could just have Nate carry it so she could wear it considering she eventually would get cold at some point). To you, however, was more of a stressful task, seeing you hadn’t taken in mind to think of an outfit beforehand. So you ended up just going with the safest option that didn’t give you a lot of room to overthink, choosing to finish your makeup on the way so Evan wouldn’t have any of your heads on a plate for being late.

You’ve found that applying mascara on a moving vehicle is not the easiest task, as Nia holds your elbow to help you keep steady while talking nonstop with the driver about a topic you stopped paying any mind to about ten minutes ago.

“I’m loving our black and red moment, by the way.” She turns to you, loosening her hold as you finish the last coat. “You look like one of those hot businesswomen with your teenage daughter who likes to dress like an animated character.”

You laugh at her comparison, only now noticing the discrepancy between both your outfits. Without even realizing it, you also ended up going for the monochromatic look. Except unlike Nia’s, yours completely lacks any color. “That’s actually the best comparison you could make.”

“I know — You can take a left right here — Here, I have lip gloss.” Nia fetches a small tube from her jacket (that she ended up taking, after all), presenting it to you.

“Do you not have lipstick?”

“Are you not planning on smudging it later?” Nia wiggles her eyebrows, teasing. The hint behind her words makes you roll your eyes, snatching the lip gloss from her hand without bothering to give her an answer. There was about a month or so, just before winter rolled around, that Nia felt as if she had a mission to get you with someone. You suspect, knowing too well how her mind works, that she must’ve felt some sort of guilt for what happened during her film project last year. It was clear that her attempts came from a place of good heart, but this doesn’t mean that it made them any less annoying. However, after her plans to move in with Nate became more concrete, her cupid persona seemed to have disappeared, or so you’d thought. But now that there’s nothing else filling her mind anymore, it looks like she’s back at it, and you can’t help but snort. “What? I’m just saying-”

“You say a lot of things, most of them are incorrect.” You say, “I’m not smudging anything tonight. Not on a party with twenty people, for fuck’s sake.”

“Don’t say that before — right there! The big house on the corner!” Nia leans over the console, signaling to the driver where to park. It’s so sudden that you notice how he jumps just slightly from his seat, chuckling to yourself at how Nate snaps his eyes at her. 

The front of Evan’s Victorian home is unusually quiet once you step out onto the sidewalk. So much so that, if it weren’t for the lined cars parked along the street and filling his driveway, you would’ve thought you’d typed in the wrong address. 

The discrepancy is clear to you when compared to other gatherings Evan hosts in his house, but especially for his birthday. Last year, you could hear Toxic blasting from his place from the moment you turned on his street, and a small crowd gathered on his front yard — most of which you recall being comprised of people plastered out of their minds, particularly one semi-naked man who was using one lamppost as a strip pole while swinging a stuffed snake

That’s more or less the standard one could expect when invited to a party at Evan’s. So, to find the street as silent as any regular day is, to an understanding, odd. 

“Are you sure it’s the right date?” You ask as the metal creak of the front gate mends with gushes of wind whistling through the air.

“Yup,” Nia says simply, walking in front of you. “You can hear the music inside, shush.”

You come quiet, listening in, and, surely, you can hear the faint keys of a piano coming from the other side of the stone walls, but it only brings up more questions to your head than answers. Evan seems like the last person on Earth who would listen to classical music. Deciding not to voice your question this time, you follow short behind Nia, kicking some loose stones on the gravel path leading to the front door.

There’s no need for more than a single knock for it to open almost immediately, revealing a lace-clad Evan downing the last bits of his wine. Without the barrier you can hear the music more clearly, the keys of the piano meshing in a peculiar way, not like anything you’ve ever heard in a classical song— at least not ten years ago when you tried to learn piano for a year before giving up.

“Look at my favorite people!” Evan says with his purple-stained lips, pulling Nia for a hug with the arm that’s not holding the door open while pointing at a spot behind her. “Did you greet Jonathan when you passed him? It’s his birthday as well.”

He points to a spot where a gnome statue sits in the dry grass, face painted in clown makeup. Nate’s voice comes from behind you, “Christ.” 

“Nate!” Evan chirps, going straight for the man standing with a sharp smile and throwing his arms around him. “You know you’re my favorite grumpy, right?”

Nate only taps on the shorter man’s back, quickly moving to Nia’s side as soon as he’s free from the embrace. With that, Evan turns to you, hands finding your elbows as he takes you in, “And what have you been up to, bug? It's been ages.”

“You know… Books and… Stuff.” You chuckle, brushing it off. “Happy birthday, E.”

“Thank you!” He claps his hands together. “Now, c’mon, let’s get all of you started.”

Following him inside, you’re met with a glittery box standing right next to the entrance; rolls of tape seal it shut, and a hand-sized hole has been cut on top of the lid. You try to peek at what could be inside, but strings of colorful crepe paper are stuck to the hole, making it harder to know its contents.

Evan picks up the box, holding it to his side. “So, I need each of you to grab a piece of paper inside the box. There will be a number in it but for now just hold on, drink, and chat while waiting for further instructions.” His voice lowers at the end to give his words more of a mystery behind them.

Nate tenses in front of you and you have to keep yourself from chuckling at his desperate gaze moving from the box to his girlfriend as he moves uncomfortably on his feet. Nia, however, only gives him a pat on his back, barely looking at her boyfriend as she does a little dance in excitement. “Oh, this feels fun.” She says, quickly reaching her hand inside the box and retrieving a piece of paper. “Mysterious, but fun. What do you have in mind, sir?”

“Nothing too crazy this year, darling, you can relax — We’re all too tired.” He moves the box towards Nate, who reluctantly reaches inside. “Just something to mesh people together that won’t give me too much of a headache to clean tomorrow.”

“Smart.” You say, peeking at the box as it’s presented to you before reaching for a paper inside, quickly reading the number eight written on it before folding the piece between your fingers.

“Nice! As always, drinks in the kitchen. We’re starting in ten minutes!” Evan claps, hushing the three of you further inside.

Surprisingly, this time around there are no posters of his face in sight as you follow Nia and Nate to the kitchen. There’s a mild mash of voices coming from the living room — where the sound of the piano is the loudest, and you wonder if he got an actual piano or if it’s just a Bluetooth speaker —, but it’s not nearly as loud as you’re used to from past times. The lighting has been lowered to a buttery yellow; you realize once you enter the kitchen that feels too bright to your eyes in contrast to the hallway.

“Is there any alcohol?” You wonder out loud, and Nia glances at you with her eyebrows shot towards her hairline. “What? I’m just asking ‘cause everyone is unusually quiet.”

“There’s wine and — what are these guys right here?” She picks up one out of four plastic jars sitting on the kitchen island, reading the label stuck to it out loud, “Strawberry Mary — ooh, this looks fun.”

You reach for the other three to check their contents, but all have names similar to the one Nia now fills her cup with — fruity, yet mysterious: Lana Banana, Jenny Berry Mix, and Pineapple Suzan. “Did he come up with these?” You chuckle, reaching for the berry mix.

“It was probably Adam,” Nia says, and you frown. “That bartender guy? The one with the pet snakes.”

“Oh, yeah. I know him.”

The room comes quiet as you serve yourself, and only after you glance up you realize a tension lingering in the air. Nate stands awkwardly in a corner, eyes fixed on Nia as he moves his head around subtly. Glancing between the two of them, you notice how their expressions change as they keep their eyes locked, not a single word being uttered out loud. To you, it almost feels as if they are reading each other’s minds, and the heat of their silent argument becoming clear once Nate huffs, shaking his head. 

Nia clears her throat, seemingly uncomfortable, shooting you a knowing look. It’s only when she gives you a toothless smile that you realize the silent question behind it. “Uhm, I’m going to check if there are any sweets outside.”

Beelining towards the doorway, you quickly make your way out of the room. The hallway is empty and, from where you stand awkwardly in the middle of it, you can tell Evan’s left his spot by the front door, meaning he’s likely gone to the living room where the rest of the guests are. You can hear them chatting, although like you previously pointed, the voices are much more controlled than what you’re used to, and that makes you oddly flustered by the thought of walking in alone. 

Considering the limited amount of invitations this year, the chances of you knowing anyone are slim and, to add to your sudden nervousness, most of the people from Evan’s closest circle of friends are — like himself — inexplicably intimidating. This is mostly because it feels like this unspoken competition that everyone has settled with each other, to subtly brag about your success whilst simultaneously pretending to be impressed about the other’s accomplishments. And for you specifically, considering you’re not part of this artist clique that they lock themselves into, it feels particularly tiresome to be part of those interactions. 

So, you opt to wait for Nia, pretending to admire one peculiar painting hanging on a wall opposite to where the doorway leading to the living room stands. Every so often, you catch yourself glancing over your shoulder one way or the other, either towards the kitchen to check if your friends are joining you, or to the doorway where the rest of the guests are in. At one point, the voices get louder, joining in a laugh before tangling together in a mess of noise you can’t make sense of. It’s after a minute that you hear footsteps coming from the living room, making you freeze on your spot, carefully turning your back to whoever’s about to catch you avoiding the party, and focusing on the piece you’ve been staring at for the past five minutes.

The painting you first thought was just random strokes of earth tones abstractly put together you now realize it’s a man and it doesn’t take you more than a second or two to recognize Evan’s side profile in a peach shade. Your hand claps on top of your mouth as you fight the urge to laugh. The sound comes out muffled, but it stops as you hear the footsteps falter as they turn into the hallway. Keeping you back to them, you listen as the wooden floor creaks as whoever was approaching makes their way back. You peek to catch sight of who it might be, but all you make out is the shadow of mustard corduroys turning the corner.

As if on cue, Nia and Nate finally appear from the kitchen, thankfully neither appearing to be sour after the talk in the kitchen. 

“Finally.” You say, still feeling giggly from your finding. “Nate, you have to check this-”

“Okay! Let’s start, then. Do we have everyone in the living room?” Evan’s voice interrupts you as he calls out. Nia guides you along with her to the living room. And, as soon as the three of you enter, Evan nods at you, before continuing, “Now that all the bunnies are trapped, we shall begin!” He laughs, clapping his hands together before motioning vaguely to everyone. “Before I explain what I have planned, I want to pair you all. So, I’ll call out the numbers that each of you picked when you arrived, so everyone can find their pair.”

You frown, confuse yet curious about what Evan’s up to as he calls out the numbers. Now that you stop to glance around the room, you note how there are more people than you’d expected. It’s still not nearly as many as previous parties of his, but it still feels like the room is nicely filled, maybe just a dozen people above twenty. And amongst them, there’s quite a few you recognize as they pair up together — like Georgia, the first one to be called, whom you spent a good half of the New Year’s party with, or Taylor, who gets paired with Nia (you remember him particularly from a film festival that Nia had been part of — he produced and directed a short film comparing the second wave of feminism to the wildlife in the Amazon Rainforest, and Nia couldn’t stop complaining about how bad it was for the entire week after). 

It’s when Evan jokes with someone on the other side of the room, however, that you see him.

He’s tucked in a corner, right next to the bookshelves, arms crossed under his chest in a way that makes his tattoos pop out of his biceps, something you notice even standing on the opposite end of the room. His smile is subtle as he watches the scene in front of him, but it’s still enough for a dimple to poke at one side of his face -- it’s barely there, but you’ve seen it up close enough times that you notice those details. His hand holds a drink, but you pay no mind to it because what calls your attention is the mustard corduroy hugging his hips, the same one you watched run from you not only five minutes ago.

He laughs, and you avert your eyes, mouth still hung open. You wonder if anyone will notice if you leave.

But, as though he could read your mind, Evan calls the number written on that sits crumbled inside the pocket of your jacket. “Where are my number eights?”

You step forward and, like a magnet, your eyes glue on Harry as he raises his hand. 

Shaking your head in disbelief, you have to fight against an urge to shut your eyes tightly as the regret of having left your room at all tonight becomes almost overwhelming. All you expected for the night was to forget about book reports and endless essays piled up on your computer, to relax, maybe drink a bit more than you should while watching Evan’s friends dancing with a taxidermy beaver or something of sorts (that was on his friendsmas party two years ago). Instead, here you are on what feels like the first day of class dynamic your teacher has imposed to make everyone interact with each other. And, suddenly, the long pages of (insert boring book) don’t seem that bad right now.

And to make matters worse (because the universe just likes to add a little more spice to your tragedies) of all people standing in this living room you just had to be paired with the one with whom you had a fling-like relationship six months ago.

It’s awkward before he even approaches you, the tension making you fidget in your spot anxiously, barely being able to shoot a tight smile his way. 

The last time you saw Harry was through the rearview mirror of a car, standing on the sidewalk like an abandoned puppy with his tail between his legs. Though you admit you let your dramatics take away when you turned away from him to leave, the feeling behind it was genuine. You were upset. He had led you on, after all, made you think he wanted to have something more just to ignore you for months and, later, appear with a redhead under his arms and call her his girlfriend. So, yes, it wasn’t the best note to leave on.

But despite how you left the last encounter, the spark of nervousness that shoots through your stomachs right now doesn’t come exactly because of his presence, but more so for the awkward nature of this encounter. At the time it happened, you avoided any activity that had the slight possibility of seeing him again like the plague. You were hurt, and you were mad — though the second part was more directed at yourself than at him. But that was six months ago. After all, as much as you felt enchanted by him and as much as those two weeks you spent together were nice, that’s all that it was: two weeks. Yes, you were sad and, yes, maybe you shed a tear or two while watching Love, Rosie with Nia afterward, but that passed as quickly as it came.

That is, until now.

“Your hair is shorter” This Is all you blurt out when he stands in front of you again.

“It is, yeah.” Harry runs his hand through his hair. The strands that last time you saw him, curled around his jawline, now peek just under his earlobe. “Did it myself, actually.”

“Really?” You take a big gulp from your drink, gaze going anywhere but meeting his own. “Found yourself another talent.”

“Another?” You can hear the smirk in his voice.

“I mean, besides acting.” You grin, holding the cup to your lips and sparing him a glance. “Suppose after your debut you’ve gotten yourself busy with casting calls”

“Of course” Harry laughs. Now that you’re closer you have a better look at his dimples as they pop out, as well as the constellation of freckles hugging his nose, and the mole right under his lips. You avert your eyes again. “I’m set to be the next Bond, in fact”

“Oh, wow.” You raise your brows, grinning at the brim of your cup. “I can see it.”

He turns to you, “Can you?” You peek at him. "Why is that?”

This is exactly what you were afraid of all those months ago after last seeing him. The entire reason you ran from any possibility of seeing him again afterward. You can still remember clearly how much of a flirt he is, even when he doesn’t mean to be. It’s not a secret that Harry’s a charming man. His words are like honey, and when he uses them just right, you know is enough to have you melting. And it doesn’t help how well you seem to click together. Even now, you still feel it by your impulse to flirt back, to look him in the eye, and get just close enough to feel the scent of his cologne. Do all that just to turn away in the last second. Tease him the same way he did you. But you don’t do any of that, of course, because you’re as petty as you are bitter. So, instead, you click your tongue. “Don’t get too comfortable, Harry, bet your girlfriend wouldn’t be happy about that.”

He chuckles. “What girlfriend?”

This time you turn fully at him, brows shooting up not in defiance, but surprise. “Yikes.” You say before you’re able to hold back.

“Yikes.” Harry still holds a smile when he repeats it, head falling as he lets out a — nervous? — laugh.

A question pops into your head. One that lingered in your mind for a good while now, but comes back a bit louder now that you have the information that his relationship was short-lasted after all. It’s a short one, but one that requires a long answer, you suppose. What happened? You think. But you don’t dare to voice it, you don’t want to have this conversation with him. Whatever the explanation is, it’s not going to change anything. So you just avert your gaze back to Evan, who now calls for everyone’s attention again.

“I know you’re all dying to know what this is all about. So, I’m going to explain it all.” And with that introduction, Evan dives into a monologue you only pay half mind to. It’s hard for you to focus on the words rapidly leaving his mouth as you can feel Harry glancing at you every so often from the corner of your eye. You listen in to Evan describing himself as a feisty kid and mention his love for drama, and then you feel the ghost of Harry’s arm bumping against yours as he sways on his feet. You try to pay attention to the story being told of the events leading up to this birthday party, and then you have to hold yourself back from meeting Harry’s eyes once you feel them at the side of your face once again. He makes a comment under his breath that you don’t quite catch, and you’re about to question him before Evan’s voice comes in an even higher pitch. “I wanted tonight to be exactly that: chaotic. I didn’t want anything to quite make sense, and I didn’t want to think much, if I’m honest, last year of film school is taking a big chunk of my functioning neurons and m’dad’s whiskey collection is taking the rest of them.”

There’s a collective laugh that takes place and, once again, Harry’s eyes peeking at you. “Everyone can relax, it’s not one of those murder mystery parties, as I’ve heard some people guess — for fuck’s sake as if I have the time and patience to plan something like that.” He says with a sip directly from a wine bottle you just now realize he’s been holding. “It’s a scavenger hunt, you have a partner and an envelope with clues. Each pair will find something related to moi and after it’s all done, we’ll eat burgers and talk about me for the rest of the night.” 

“Sounds easy enough.” Harry mumbles.

Evan claps his free hand on his wrist, hushing everyone. “So off you go, c’mon! I’ll be hungry in an hour.”

“This is gonna be…” You start. “Interesting.”

“Interesting is a great word to describe it.”

“Well, let’s try to do this as quickly as possible, then.” 

 The side of his lips quirks up. “On a rush?”

“This is not exactly a comfortable position to be. I think you get it.” You say, fidgeting on your feet. You wait for a second for him to say something so you can start the activity, but he doesn’t and you realize there’s a piece missing. “Do you have an envelope?”

Harry nods, reaching for his pocket where the envelope sits folded in half. He swiftly opens it, taking out a card.

 “Well?” You prompt, “Read us the first clue, Bond.”

There’s a smile that Harry fights against at the nickname and you’re not sure due to the dim light, but you think there’s a hint of a rosy tone on the apple of his cheeks. “An activity that grows lives and ruins manicures.” He reads out loud, pausing for a moment before laughing to himself. “I know this one.”

“Grows lives?” You frown. “As in, a pregnancy?”

Harry shakes his head, leading the way towards the corridor. “As in, gardening.”

“That’s a very weird way to put it.” You say, following him. “Does he garden?”

He walks into the kitchen, greeting two people you don’t recognize who are searching for something — their clue, you assume — inside the cabinets. “No, but his sister does. There’s a greenhouse in the back.”

You simply hum in response, muttering a quick thank you as he opens the door for you that leads to the back garden. The greenhouse is not unfamiliar to you from the outside, there have been a good amount of summer gatherings in his back garden for you to know of its existence. But you’ve thought nothing more about it. If you’re honest, you never really paid much attention to it. If anything, you assumed he used it as storage at most, never taking Evan as someone who enjoyed gardening. Though now you know you were right, you've also learned that his sister lives with him and you wonder why he’s never mentioned it before.

The curiosity inside of you wants to question Harry about it, to ask him what else he knows you don’t. When you think about it, there’s a lot you want to ask him about. Not just regarding Evan, but also regarding him. You wonder what he’s been up in the past six months if he ended up adopting the kitten he’d told you about back when you were still filming or if he read any of the book recommendations you wrote on his notes app one particular night the two of you chatted for longer than the moon could hold itself up in the sky. The part of you that begs for you to say something on the short walk is so strong you have to physically bite your tongue to be able to hold back.

You don’t have to hold for long, however, as Harry takes it upon himself to say, “So,” He starts, clearing his throat, “How- uh- how are you doing?”

Somehow, his words click something inside of your mind. They remind you of why you shouldn’t let that curious part of you win. The sole purpose of it not falling for his charm. You shake your head, “We’re not doing this.”

“Doing what?” He frowns, his steps faltering for a second.

“Small talk.” You answer, focused on your goal. “We’ll just solve this thing as quickly as possible so I can go back home and finish my Euphoria marathon.”

“Right.” Harry nods once, and you can’t help but notice the way his lips quirk down, the frown not leaving his face. You can’t lie and say it doesn’t make your stomach drop the slightest bit to see you’ve upset him, but you have to remind yourself how much he’s upset you, too. 

It’s protecting yourself, you think. After tonight, you don’t have to see him ever again.

Inside the greenhouse, you’re greeted with a mix of scents you’re not prepared for before stepping in. The space is compact, with a single corridor narrowed with garden beds on each side. Dozens of branches and leaves tickle you as you walk in, most of them belonging to different flowers that, despite the chilly weather that still lingers outside, are already blooming. It’s a blend of colors, bright reds, and ocean blues, soft purple petals kissing pink and yellow ones. 

“We should look for gloves.” Harry’s voice startles you, chuckling as you jump a bit.

“Huh?” 

“Gloves.” He says. “I think whatever we’re looking for has to do with the gloves, ‘cause he mentioned manicure.”

“That makes sense.” You look around. Many gardening tools are piling under the tables that hold the garden beds; watering cans and empty pots. You look between bags of fertilizer and drawers filled with shovels. There’s so much stuff to look through that, at one point, you sit back on your calves, glancing around, lost.

You hear Harry leafing through as you’re doing, feeling his legs brushing against your back as he passes by and you stop, watching him from your spot on the floor. He’s got a concentrated look on his face, bottom lip worried between his teeth as he scans through the walls before he opens another drawer. That’s when his gaze falls, catching yours. You quickly turn away, pretending to go through another pile of empty pots and blocking the sound of a chuckle coming from his spot.

For a moment, the only sound in the room is the clicking of ceramics and the opening and closing of wooden drawers. That is until you hear from Harry, “A-ha!”

You look up again, seeing him move to the back where few pairs of gloves hang on the wall — so obvious yet still hidden between raincoats and summer hats. “Right under our noses.” You say, getting up.

Harry searches inside the gloves, tongue trapped between his teeth. “Bingo!” He says, pulling out two tiny bottles from inside one pair.

“What is it?”

“Liquor.” He grins, peeking at you from under his lashes before ripping a piece of paper attached to it. “It says ‘one for each, now get to clue number two.’” He holds up one bottle, offering it to you, to which you take it. “It’s chocolate flavored.”

“Of course it would be a drinking game.” You open it, feeling the artificial chocolate scent braid with the alcohol. “Christ.”

“Don’t smell it, or it’ll be worse,” Harry says, downing his with one quick tilt of his head. “‘S not that bad, actually.”

You mimic his action, letting the drink swiftly burn its way down your throat. Unlike Harry, you can’t help but scrunch your nose at the taste. “You’re a fucking liar.”

Harry only giggles in response, taking the empty bottle from you and placing it back inside the gloves, along with his own. 

And then again, silence. You turn to the flowers to find some comfort.

A family of tulips glances back at you, their petals in a full red, it’s the kind of beauty you’re scared to ruin if you touch, so you just rest your hand on the wood. “They’re beautiful.” You only notice you say it out loud when Harry hums back in agreement.

“They are.” He says quietly but somehow feels loud by how close he is. “Tulips are my favorites.”

You stop, brows raising incredulously at him. “No, they’re not.”

“What?”

Cursing the universe for playing with you like this, you can’t help but laugh at the situation. “It’s just- they’re my favorites, too.” You look at him. “My nan used to plant them when I was little.”

“That’s sweet.” He says, smiling and you nod. “The red ones represent true love.” He points. “And the purple ones represent royalty.”

You blink at him. “Do you just look up tulip facts in your free time?”

Harry laughs. “Yeah, basically.” He looks down at you, and you can’t help but notice how the greenery around brings out the shade of his eyes. “I worked at a flower shop for a tick.”

“Really?”

He nods. “For eight months. My favorite part was writing on the store board every morning.” His face lights up as he recalls his experience. “I used to write silly stuff like, ‘one day I’d like to meet tulips.’ The old ladies loved it.”

You shake your head, breathing out a laugh. “You’re dangerous.”

“Dangerous? Why’s that?”

Because you’re sweet, you want to answer, because when I think I won’t get charmed by you again, you hit me with tulip puns. Your lip finds its spot between your teeth, you’d be damned to give him the satisfaction of hearing you tell him that, so, instead, you shrug. “Because.” You can tell he wants to dig more by the way his lip twitch up, teasing a smile, but you just nod towards the door before turning away from him and heading out. 

There’s a distinct change of temperature when you step outside, and it’s only when you do that you notice the greenhouse was heated. Thankfully, the night is not too windy as it would get a week or two ago when winter was still insisting on making itself present, but it’s still chilly so that it makes you hug your jacket closer to your body. Harry also notices the difference, as you hear him wince as he steps out from behind you — unlike you, he’s not wearing anything to protect his arms from the cold, which only makes it harder for you to not ogle the tattoos hugging his skin.

“So, what’s next?” You prompt.

Harry reaches for the card again, taking it from its spot on his pocket before reading the second clue. “‘Not feeling too creative to write this one, it’s on the third tree on oak.’”

“I mean, at least we don’t have to think too much on this one.” You say, “Oak Street is the one to the left, right?”

“Yeah.” Harry sighs. “Can’t believe he’s making us go out on the streets.”

You start to make your way back towards the house. “Too tired for a stroll?”

“‘S cold,” Harry says, scrunching his nose. “Here, there’s a side gate.”

He guides you through a gravel path to where the black gate stands, hidden between bushes and branches. Strings of fern hug the bricked fence and the surrounding grass is high enough that it tickles your calves through your tights, making you believe this path has probably been left unused for at least a couple of months now. This information brings out an extra worry for you, as you take a better look at it, noticing how the gate is closed shut to the fence.“Is it open?” You wonder out loud.

“Shit, I don’t think it is.” Harry huffs under his breath. “But, I mean, we could easily jump it.”

You stop, turning to glance at him as the suggestion leaves his lips. He stands there, hands on his hips, examining the gate, tongue poking out as he frowns. After a second, he meets your eyes. “What? It’s not that tall.”

“I suppose.” You say, looking back at the fence that ends just below your shoulder length. It would be easy enough for you to climb it with a boost, however, “I’m wearing a dress.”

“Oh,” Harry scratches the back of his neck. “Let’s just go inside-” He turns back.

“Wait,” You stop him, not sure if it’s the slight amount of alcohol in your system already making you more adventurous, you train your gaze at the gate, analyzing it again, before looking back at him. Squinting your eyes, “You have to close your eyes.”

He laughs, “Are you sure?”

“It’s not that high.” You shrug. “But I need your help.”

“Of course.” He moves next to the brick wall, kneeling before it and nodding towards you. “C’mon, step up.”

Hesitantly, you glance at his thigh stretching his trousers, a sudden wave of insecurity hitting you. “Are you sure you can lift me?”

Harry simply puts his hand out in a silent request for you to hold. “Of course.”

“No peeking.”

He shuts his eyes tightly, chin meeting his chest as he looks down. And then you take his hand, feeling his fingers lock in a firm hold as he helps you use him for support. You hesitate again before using his thigh as a step, “Wait, I’m gonna ruin your trousers.” You worry, but Harry only shakes his head, still keeping it facing the ground, the strands of his hair falling above his eyes in a makeshift blindfold. When he doesn't feel you stepping in still, he encourages you with a squeeze in your hand. 

You attempt to do as quickly as possible with your dress clinging to your legs, tightening your hold to Harry’s hand to step on his thigh. Once you let it go, you can still feel it lingering behind your back as you use your arms to boost yourself up the wall, sitting on it for a moment before jumping to the other side with a huff.

“Can I open them?” You hear Harry’s voice calls from the other side, and you smile, nodding even though he can’t see it.

“Yes!”

And then his face appears as he stands up in a jump, grinning at you. “See? Easy Peasy.”

“I feel like a teen sneaking out.” You say, and you instantly give another meaning to your words as Harry boosts himself up. This time, you certainly don’t hold yourself back from staring at the way his muscles flex at the movement, the tattoos on his arms stretching, and his shirt rolling up. He makes it look so easy, so effortless, barely taking five seconds until he’s jumping in front of you.

“That was fun.” He puffs, patting his trousers lightly.

“So, how are we finding the tree?” You ask, taking a quick glance to where his hands brush on the fabric of his trousers. “Should we read the clue again?”

“I know which one he’s talking about,” Harry says, nodding to the left before beginning his stride in that direction. You follow him, trusting his words as the two of you turn the corner where Evan’s house is located. 

The street in question is much calmer than the one you were just in, with no cars coming or going from the residences — that stand much closer to one another, you notice, giving the whole street more of a narrow feeling to it --, which is not exactly odd, but certainly is a contrast with the main street that Evan’s home faces, that one being more lively with people either coming home or leaving it to enjoy their Friday night. The sudden lack of background noise makes the walk to your destination a tad awkward, as none of you make an effort to strike a conversation. Instead, you resort to silently observing the surrounding area as you walk alongside Harry, noticing how the trees here bend over the sidewalk, their naked branches slowly but surely growing back the leaves they lost months ago — it makes you wonder how beautiful this must look during the peak of springtime, their full branches blending together, making a ceiling of flowers.

“Here.” Harry stops abruptly, making you almost bump into his shoulder, as you were too busy with the scenery you’ve made in your own head. “‘S this one.”

“I thought it said the third one.” You frown, looking back and noticing the way you’ve passed way more than just three.

“This one is the third.” He says, motioning to a small birdhouse stuck to its trunk with a number ‘3’ painted to the front in blue. “It’s a bit of an inside joke,” Harry chuckles to himself. “Now I get why the bastard wanted me to have this card.”

You look closer at the tree, trying to see if there’s something attached to it besides the birdhouse, but there’s nothing. Before you can question it, Harry opens the front of the tiny house, retrieving two tiny bottles from inside of it, similar to the ones you found in the greenhouse.  “Oh, no.” You say, laughing. “Did he just put liquor inside a stranger’s birdhouse?”

Harry shakes his head, “This is not a stranger’s birdhouse.”

“Huh?” You frown, glancing back to the house where you stand in front of, its front completely dark, showing that no one must be at home. You point to it over your shoulder. “Do you know who lives here?”

“Yeah,” He starts, offering you one bottle. ���I do.”

Your brows shoot up in surprise, glancing back and forth from the house to the man standing in front of you, an amusing grin growing on his face. “You live here?” You ask, “This is your birdhouse?”

“It is, yeah. In fact, I was the one who built it.” He gives the birdhouse a small pat.

You can’t help but let your mouth hang open for a second. “That’s-” You pause, not sure which word to use. Impressive? Amazing? Hot? “That’s nice.”

Harry smiles, and the two of you stand there for a moment, admiring his work in silence. You suck your bottom lip in, keeping yourself from inquiring further. 

Being presented with how little you know about Harry only peaks at your curiosity at what had happened last year in your brief experience with him. When you were with him it felt as if you’d known him for months rather than weeks, but looking back at it now, you wonder if your infatuation fooled you into thinking the two of you were close. Maybe that’s why you were so upset at the premiere after all because all that did was prove to you how much you didn’t know him at all. No matter how many sleepless nights you spent together sharing bits of your lives, it wasn’t enough for you to get to know him.

It’s only when a car turns into the street that you break away from your thoughts, looking up at him and clearing your throat. “We should take this back to Evan’s.” You say. “I’m not sure how it would look from an outsider’s point of view to see us downing these tiny bottles in the middle of the street.”

“You’re right,” Harry says. “Should we read the last clue while we’re at it?”

“Sure, yeah.”

He reaches for the card inside his pocket, presenting it to you. “You do the honors this time.”

You take the card, brushing your thumb over the words before stopping for a second to read them out loud, “You’ll find your prize behind the words of buried legends.” You snort. “That’s so corny.”

“Words of buried legends,” Harry repeats, letting out a hum. “Bet he was feeling quite poetic when he wrote this one.”

“Maybe because it has to do with poems.” You peek at him, a slight raise to your eyebrow. “‘Words of buried legends’? like dead poets and stuff?” Upon reading it again to make sure, you mumble, “He really made this card especially for you, huh?”

“Makes sense.” Harry agrees before nudging you playfully with his arm. “Look at you with your literary mind!”

“Could’ve used some better wording but I’ll let it pass.” You giggle, shrugging as you hand him back the card. As you do so, you notice there’s something written on the other side. “What’s in the back?”

Harry’s brows meet. “Huh?”

“In the back of the card, something’s written on it.” You nod towards his hand as he’s about to pocket the card again. 

Harry turns it around, reading it with a chuckle. “Ice breakers.”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me.” Your mouth drops open in amusement. “Well? Go on, then. Break the ice.”

Harry makes a show of clearing his throat before reading the question as an announcement, “What celebrity do you think you could pull on your best day?”

“Is this the actual question?” You squint your eyes at him and he turns the card to allow you to read it as well. Surely, the same question reads right on top of it and, as you take a glance at the ones below it, they’re not that much better. You shake your head, “God, I have no idea.”

“I know mine.”

“You didn’t give a single thought on that one.” You say. “This should be good.”

“Jennifer Aniston.”

“Jennifer Aniston?” You stop on your tracks, raising your brows at him. “You know she was married to Brad Pitt, right?”

“Ouch.” Harry makes the theatrics of putting a hand on his heart, head falling dramatically to the side. “Right where it hurts.”

“I’m not saying you’re bad-looking, but he’s Brad Pitt.” You emphasize with a laugh, pushing him playfully as you keep walking. “Like he is the male beauty standard. Personified.”

The front of Evan’s feels more vivid than it was when you first walked in hours ago, the lights inside seeming lighter and the curtains having been pulled back, showing people wandering around on the inside. You walk past another pair crouched in front of the bushes that line next to the front gate that creaks as you open it.

Harry rolls his eyes. “Sure, let’s hear yours, then, sweetheart.”

“Ew, don’t ever call me that again.” Your nose scrunches and your face grows hot, but you attempt to shake it off, stopping to think of the question. “Huh, on my best day? I think… I don’t know, maybe Drake?”

“Oh, no!” Harry’s hands cover his face as he shakes his head into them. “I feel like that’s the most basic answer anyone could ever give to this question.”

You gasp. “Did you just call me basic?”

Harry holds the front door open for you and, before he’s able to give you an answer, you bump right into Nia. She instantly blurts out your name, as if she’s been expecting you to appear. “I’ve been looking for you!” She says, sparing Harry a glance over your shoulder before pulling you slightly to the side. “Do you think we could talk for a second?”

“Sure.” You hold out the word, looking at Harry before focusing on your friend again. “Did something happen?”

“No, no, nothing happened. Just—” Nia starts, locking your arms as she guides you back outside, pulling you to a corner a few steps away from the front door. “How are you? How's it going?”

“I’m fine. Why?” Your brows knit together at her interference and you wonder if it has anything to do with her conversation with Nate.

“I’m talking about-” She looks over her shoulder, clearly checking if anyone is listening in. Even after making sure that there’s no one there, she still lowers her voice. “When I saw he was your pair, I wanted to rescue you right away, but fucking Taylor pulled me with him and I didn’t get the chance.”

Oh. “Oh.”

“Is it too awkward?” She keeps her inquiry, holding your hand close to her chest. “We could ask them to switch so we can do the rest together, I’m sure Evan’s too plastered to notice.”

“Nia, I-” You smile as you come to realize that she pulled you aside just to check if you’re uncomfortable, having witnessed first-hand your whines and cries over Harry last year. “It’s okay, really. It’s not that bad, surprisingly.”

“Really?” Nia blinks, taken aback. “I- What happened?”

“Nothing.” You reassure her with a squeeze on her hand. “We’re just chatting, it’s not that awkward.”

“Okay.” She nods and nods, before falling serious again. “But if anything happens you just have to scream for me and I’ll be right there, okay?”

“Okay.” You say, pulling her for a brief hug. “Thanks, Ni.”

The two of you return inside just as Taylor brings up his brother’s hair sculpture collection that’s being exhibited at a local gallery — a subject you already have been the victim of hearing for about an hour during New Year’s and, by Harry’s face, he seems as helpless as you did back then. Nia doesn’t waste a second before pulling her pair away, “Let’s go, pal, those clues won’t solve themselves,” she shoots you a look over her shoulder, pushing Taylor towards the living room and you chuckle.

“He really is one of a kind, that man,” Harry says with a sigh before meeting your gaze. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, just lady talk.” You brush aside. “Let’s find those poets, shall we?”

“We shall.” Harry smiles, looking around for a second before guiding you down the hallway, turning just before entering the kitchen where a staircase. This is a way that — like the greenhouse — you’ve never been to. Still, Harry navigates so casually as if it were his own home and, to some degree, you suppose it is. You follow him up the first flight of steps, stopping just before turning into the next one where a door you never really noticed before stands. Harry rests his hand on the handle, turning to you before saying, “There’s an office hidden right here.”

You watch as he opens it, motioning for you to walk in first. And, indeed, the inside of it is an office, just a bit smaller than the living room on the opposite side of the house. Two bookcases that go from the floor to the ceiling mostly covered the wall, only leaving a single space in the middle for a dark wooden cabinet. In front of it, an L-shaped desk takes up the middle of the room, most of it is filled with files and paper stacks, as well as two computers lying asleep. For a moment, you just stand by the doorway, admiring this room you’ve never known of its existence, your eyes quickly sweeping through the bookshelves completely packed with dark cover books of all sorts. “Do you think this is where it could be?”

“Probably, yeah.” Harry nods, turning on the lights. “I don’t know where else he could have any poetry hidden.”

You move towards one bookshelf, the one closest to the door, reaching to brush your finger through the spines perfectly lined. “But look at the size of these, we’ll take forever to find anything in here.”

“Those big ones are mostly law books, I think,” Harry says, opening cabinets at the other side of the room, right next to where a white couch stands. He turns to look at you, “His sister’s a lawyer, this is her office.” Harry says, “But Evan’s got a corner right here where he keeps some of his stuff— like books of sorts. It’s the only place I could think of.”

You hum, not knowing exactly what to respond to this information.

“You can go through the ones on that side, it could be there as well.” Harry nods towards a cabinet right next to the door where you came from, and you nod.

The first two cabinets are of no luck, both being mostly filled with boxes full of children’s books and old toys — some of them mixed with more stacks of paper, but those, instead of having long texts, have drawings of all kinds from what you could gather in a glance, from child-like scribbles to actual sketches. You can hear Harry going through drawers on the other side of the room and, upon closing another empty cabinet, you peek at him, watching his broad back flexing under his shirt as he moves around. Averting your eyes as swiftly as you looked, it’s still enough to bring warmth to your cheeks.

Finally, you open the cabinet at the very bottom of the shelf. On the top, there are piles of DVDs, most being different variations of Barbie movies, but, right at the bottom, you find books. You don’t stop to check their genre at first, simply moving them away until you stumble upon a small box, the top of it marked with the word ‘prize’. “Found it!” You call back, taking the box away from the pile before setting the books back in place again. “Under Rupi Kaur? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure she’s very alive.”

“Don’t tell Evan that,” Harry says as he crouches next to you, taking the box from your hands. Inside, there are, as expected, two tiny bottles like the ones you found before but, what calls both your attention, is a small bag of sweets lying in the middle. Harry takes it, “Oh, those are nice.”

He hands it to you and you open it, quickly shoving a jelly candy into your mouth before nodding. “Yeah.”

“So…” Harry starts, peeking over his shoulder, “Do you want to go back there?”

You glance at him, his eyes hovering above yours, lips twitching up just barely. “Uh… Maybe not right now.” You answer, “Unless you feel like sharing our Jellies with other people.”

Harry only laughs, shaking his head as he sits back and you do so too, right next to him. He reaches for his pocket, presenting another tiny bottle, the one you found inside his birdhouse, “We still got these.” 

“Right!” You fetch your own out of the pocket of your jacket.

Harry opens his, holding it up towards you. “Cheers.”

“Cheers.” You say, mimicking him.

Both of you down your drinks, the liquid tasting bitter, like medicine on your tongue, the only reminder of alcohol being the burn as it slides down your throat. You rest your head back on the cabinet behind you as the two of you fall into silence once more. A part of your mind is already beginning to swim around the space inside your head, and you decide to not take the last drink just yet, laying it next to your leg. Though you’ve only had the equivalent of two shots, you realize the long break you’ve had from drinking for the past couple of months -- which wasn’t exactly an intentional choice, but more like the result of your lack of free time -- is showing itself to have been enough to make you more of a lightweight. 

And even though the night so far has been strikingly surprising in terms of how comfortable you felt being around Harry again, it doesn’t mean the questions you’ve been carrying since last year have gotten any quieter. They’ve only gotten louder. More persistent, even. The curiosity you feel to know what happened is almost suffocating now. And you’d be damned if you let a drunken mind stop you from having this conversation.

You glance at him from the corner of your eyes, only watching the back of his head bobbing along with the music -- still the piano -- that comes faintly from behind the closed door. Your lips part, feeling the question form right at the tip of your tongue, but not knowing how to voice the words. Will it be awkward? You think so, but what if it ruins the night? Tonight, that’s been so oddly refreshing. A night that only served to remind you how you became so infatuated with him in the first place.

But you know you won’t be able to let go of this ich inside your head unless you bring it up. And you want to, you do, but as you take too long to think of the right way to do so, Harry decides to break the silence, murmuring next to you, “That’s a good one.”

Your brows knit together, trying to make out any trace of familiarity within the song that’s playing, but you don't find any, which only leaves you even more confused.  “Do you like classical?”

“Love,” Harry says simply, his eyes closed as he moves his head with the piano keys. “Especially this one. One of the greatest works from one of the greatest contemporary composers: Billie Eilish.”

Your lips fall open, “Shut up. Is she playing this?”

Harry laughs, a full one, that brings a grin to poke at your lips. “I mean, as far as I’m aware, no. It’s a version of her song — listen in.” He points to his ear, nodding with the melody as he sings along, “So you’re a tough guy, like it really rough guy.”

You shake your head incredulously, “Of course he’s playing classical versions of pop songs!” 

“Did you really think Evan had a taste for Chopin or Debussy?” Harry asks both dimples poking on his cheeks.

“I think at this point I’d believe anything you tell me about him.”

Both of you laugh, the air surrounding you light and warm, before falling quiet again. This time, however, you simply stare at each other for a beat. You watch his eyes, with their almost hypnotizing jade shade, glancing between your own. He rolls his lip between his teeth, nibbling at it. This is the closest you’ve been to him all night, and the details on his face only feel like a reminder of your doubts. Like the nostalgia you feel with a bittersweet memory.

“Should we-“ You stop, the words falling from your lips before you can think about them. “Should we talk about the elephant in the room?”

You half expect Harry to frown, to play dumb, and question you the meaning behind your words. For a second, you even expect him to shake his head, to get up and leave the room. And, for some reason, you kinda want him to do so. To finally break the mask of the nice, sweet guy he’s been putting on all night and allow himself to play the role of cold prick you put him on for the past months. 

But he doesn’t do it. He only gives you a short smile. “I was thinking about how to bring it up.” Harry’s gaze falls to his lap for a beat as he scratches his nose. “We should, yeah.”

You nod, more to yourself than to him. This is it. The moment to ask what you’ve been waiting for for six months now. You decide not to think much anymore, allowing the question to roll freely, “I don’t really know how to word this better but- pardon my French- what the fuck happened?”

Harry chuckles, but not an amused one. It’s more of a dry, nervous laugh. “How cliche is it if I tell you I was really fucking stupid?”

“Pretty cliche.” You say, “But also pretty true, I suppose.”

“I’m sorry for that.” He looks up, eyes meeting yours again, his own softening upon seeing you. “I really am.”

“Thank you for apologizing.” You smile a little, “But I think I deserve an explanation.”

“You do.” He speaks quietly before clearing his throat. For a second, he doesn’t say anything else, just takes a sharp breath, focusing on his fingers that play with the hem of his trousers. “I- Uhm- I know this might come as a surprise, but I’m not very good at letting people down.”

“A bit, I guess.” You try to humor, but your tone doesn’t show it. You sound quiet, hurt.

He peeks up at you, and continues, “Jess- the girl you met at the premiere- she’s lovely and all, but- how do I say this- we were never really supposed to be together.” Harry sighs, “I didn’t like her like that.”

You frown, “Then, why did you?”

“A couple of months before we met- before Evan even mentioned the film project to me, one of my mates kept insisting that I should meet his sister.” He pauses, “That was Jess.”

“I figured.”

Harry nods, “As I said, she’s a lovely girl, really nice, but we just- didn’t click like that, you know?” You hum in agreement, ignoring a small twist in your stomach when he repeats the endearment term. “But I guess she really wanted to try it, and, for months, I just kept pushing and pushing, cause I thought maybe with time I could bring myself to feel the same way.” And then again, another humorless laugh, “But- spoiler alert- I couldn’t and I should’ve just told her that.”

Your mouth hangs open for a beat before you decide against saying anything. It’s clear as you watch him explain that the entire situation for him felt more complicated than you’d ever considered. Not once did you think about the possibility of him being caught in a twist of his own decisions, and not once did you regard his feelings with the whole situation. In your bubble of gloominess, all you could think of was how he played you and used you for a bit before moving on to the next girl that fell for his sweet talk. 

Looking at him now, however, his head low and brows set on a permanent crease, lips frowning down, you can feel the internal conflict pooling out of his pores. You’re not sure if it’s exactly a look of remorse that he gives you, but it sure seems close to it.

Harry huffs in what feels like frustration as he keeps recalling the events, “But all my mates kept taking the piss, pushing me to ask her out and then, in the middle of it, I met you.” He finally smiles a bit, and you have to look down to hide the warmth that spreads on your cheeks, “And we-uh-” He shrugs, “I mean, we clicked, didn’t we?”

“I think so.” You say, just above a whisper.

“I think so, too,” Harry says, holding your gaze with his own. “And when I was with you I let myself forget about that, forget about the pressure to be with someone else, I guess.” His lips fall again, eyes meeting his lap, “But when we came back, there wasn’t much running away from it anymore. The night we got back I met that friend of mine and, I’m not sure if he said anything to Jess, but she asked me out.”

“And you said yes.”

“I said yes.” He repeats, shaking his head, “I shouldn’t have, but I said yes.”

“So you just dated her? Even if you didn’t like her like that?” You say, trying to understand his thought process. Even if his words tug at your heartstrings -- which you try to not think about right now -- you still can’t help but feel a bit for the other girl.

“I thought I could- I don’t know, I thought with time maybe I could-” He stumbles around with his speech, before finally letting out a sigh, “I don’t know what was going through my head, to be honest. I was a prick.”

“At least you can admit to it.”

“I was a prick to both of you.” 

You fall quiet, hoping he takes your silence as an agreement. When he doesn’t offer anything else, you speak up again, “Did it work, though?” He frowns, and you clarify, “Letting time force feelings into you?”

“I found very quickly how hard it is to develop feelings for someone when there’s someone else on your mind.” He says, and you bite back a smile that wants to spread on your lips.

“It’s very easy to say that now.”

“I know.” He agrees, “And I wish I could’ve realized that earlier, before even bringing you into this mess.” Harry reaches for your wrist, which lies on top of your lap, giving it a gentle squeeze. “For that I really am sorry.”

“I know you are.” You reassure, turning your hand to find his, squeezing it back. “And what happened to Jess?”

“She was rightfully upset when I told her.” His thumb brushes against your knuckles, moving the rings on your fingers around just slightly, and it’s almost enough to distract you from his voice. “We broke up a day after the premiere.”

“Ouch.”

“But it’s fine now, she’s got a boyfriend now who actually cares for her the way she deserves,” Harry says.

“That’s nice to hear, at least.”

“It is, yeah.”

You look down at your hands locked in your lap, squeezing his one more time before letting it go with a sigh.  “You really made a big mess, huh?”

He chuckles, a guilty smile poking on his face, “I did.”

You nod, finally reaching for the tiny bottle left forgotten next to you, opening it. This time you only take a sip, but it’s still enough to end half of the liquid inside. You click your tongue, “I’m glad we talked, though.” You look up at Harry again, who’s already watching you, giving a small tap on his thigh. “It’s nice to have closure, you know? To give it a conclusion and wrap with a nice little bow.”

Harry rolls his lip inside his mouth, “Is this a conclusion, then?”

You raise your brows, “Is it not?”

“I guess it could be.” He shrugs one shoulder, leaning closer to you just barely, eyes trained in yours. “But I’m hoping that, after today, maybe we could start over?”

You laugh, scrunching your nose at him as you shake your head. “Not a start over, no.” You poke his side, “You’re not getting away that easy.”

“You’re right.” He says, still not budging as he frowns his lips. “But I wish it didn’t have to be an ending as well.”

“Is that so?”

Harry nods, you can tell his eyes hold a shyness that wasn’t here a minute ago, but at the same time -- as paradoxically as it seems -- there’s a boldness as well, one you’re more familiar with. “Maybe we could chat again. This time with fewer ice breaker cards and more bags of sweets.”

You smile, rubbing your chin as you pretend to ponder about his suggestion. “That does sound very promising.”

“I really do think we clicked.” He drops his playful tone as if wanting to make sure you feel the sincerity behind his words. “Wasn’t just saying it.”

“I know.” You say, “And I think so, too.”

His smirk grows, and he doesn’t offer anything else to say, but you can tell he’s holding something back. With the silence, you suddenly become too aware of the way your arms brush together, and how his knee bumps against yours. You notice how his eyes fall a bit from yours, so quickly you could’ve imagined it, but you choose to not think so. If you lean forward, you know he will too, but you don’t want to give him the satisfaction. You’re not letting yourself make the first move.

Surely, you’re aware these thoughts are a direct result of the alcohol sweeping through your mind, testing how much of your pride you’re willing to ignore. There’s no questioning of the wall that you built all those months ago after walking out of this very house with this very man on your tail blurring out apologies. It still stands, tall and strong, and you're not letting sweet words mixed with a drink or two pull it down. Not that easily. But at this moment, looking at his stupidly beautiful face with his stupidly beautiful eyes so close to you, you feel like maybe you could peek through a window, or open up a door — just a creek, just to have a sample of what it would feel like if you were to pull it down.

“Do you want to go back?” Harry asks again, this time more quietly, this time his question has a different implication than it did before.

You're quick to shake your head, voice quiet, “Not yet.”

The corner of his lips quirk up and you raise your brows, silently daring him to ask what he’s been holding. You see his hand moving from the corner of your eyes, but you don’t break your gaze from his, not even when you feel his fingertips moving so gently against your cheekbone, brushing your hair away from your face. Harry leans closer, again just barely, and again, you stay still, only smiling softly in encouragement. Now, you’re stuck in your own silent conversation; both seeking the same thing but not making the move to achieve it -- either for pride or apprehension. 

“I’d really like to kiss you right now,” Harry whispers finally, eyes moving down again, this time slowly, making sure that his intentions are clear.

“Do it, then.” You tease.

Harry breathes out a laugh, his hand caressing its way down to your jaw. He rubs his thumb against your cheek, a feathery touch, taking another second to look at you before pulling you in. Your eyes fall closed, as you focus on your senses, and allow yourself to peek from that window, or creek that door open just a bit, to have just this moment to remember when you first got lost in his touch. 

First, it’s the warmth of his breath tickling your cupid bow, making your hold your own breath in anticipation. Then, the tip of his nose, gentle against your own, and you can’t help but lean in a bit more when you feel the ghost of his lips on yours. But he pulls back, just so slightly, hoping to have you reach for him again. Except you don’t, knowing what he’s trying to do.

“Uh-uh,” you shake your head, pulling back just a bit to look him in the eye. “You don’t get to tease me.”

Harry huffs out a laugh, “That’s fair.”

This time, there’s no teasing. Still, he goes in just as slowly as he did the first time around, curving his lips around your bottom one so softly it almost makes you lean in again. His kiss is cloud-like in a way that makes you a bit dizzy and when he presses his lips harder, you have to refrain from letting out a dreamy sigh -- still too stubborn to give him the satisfaction. It’s when you feel the tip of his tongue poking out to lick at your bottom lip in a silent request, that you pull away completely.

It’s your turn to smirk now, licking your lips before announcing, “I think we should go back now.”

[ruiyuki-archives]

Star Tear AU - Alt. Timeline: Todoroki ver. [Part 1]

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

Star tears in which Todoroki falls for Momo first.

shortly after the exam with Aizawa he doesn’t know what he’s feeling but just admires her strength and quick thinking

and him hanging out with Deku and Iida at lunch means Todo hears all the nice and good things Momo does when she and Iida to discuss class prez stuff

which intensifies this ??admiration?? and respect more

and he just?? Holds onto those feelings unable to figure out what they are until idk maybe holidays where 1A and 1B throw that holiday hotpot party

and Momos really cute lookin’ in that Santa hat she made with the festive turtleneck

and so that feeling inside Todo grows into something more??? bc "oh shit she cute".... and Todo’s blushing while looking at her from afar. Probably.

so Todo talks to Fuyumi abt it and Fuyumi’s like: “I think you like her Shouto”

and he writes to his mom abt it and Rei's like: “she sounds like a lovely girl Shouto”

and he texts Natsuo abt it and Natsu's like: “aw little bro has a crush”

but all the while this is happening, Momo's gotten closer with Iida over class prez stuff and hero stuff and everyone in 1A (read: mina and hagakure) think iimomo might be a thing???

ofc Momo denies it and making excuses politely like "no no ofc not we're being responsible class prez and vice prez" but she’s kinda stuttery while doing so, so no one buys it

and no ones brave enough to ask Iida except Ochako but he gives some straight laced answer like "i admire her work ethic and respect her as a hero and vice prez" but he also has some tint of blush across his cheeks

so idk fast forward to graduation where Todo's been holding onto these feelings for Momo since first year and iimomo is still very very likely

so its all cherry blossom petals flying around and congratulatory celebrations

and when Todo sees Momo amongst the sakura trees smiling like he's never seen before (bc they're finally officially heroes!!) he thinks she’s beautiful

but just as he's about to approach her, Iida approaches her and Todo can see she's blushing and he knows its really not good to eavesdrop on one of his best friends and the girl he likes

But... he's curious.

or so he lies to himself.

Ofc what he hears isnt what he ever wants to,,,,

cuz Iida just confessed to her.

and she feels the same.

and a star tear slips from Todo's eye as he walks away.

he stops mid step as he touches his cheek bc he didnt even realize he was crying

but what are these tears??? What’s happening?? He's never had these before bc even though Todo is an emotional crier, he doesn’t cry that often.. only when he is completely overwhelmed with emotion

so he has this dumbfounded expression staring at his fingers as these star tears are twinkling out of his eyes catching sunlight and sakura petals

until he hears "Youre a fucking idiot" from a few steps away

Bakugou. 

(Baku really likes eavesdropping ok its not the first time lol)

Baku: theyre called star tears.

Todo: You know what these are?

Baku: it happens when you like someone and that person doesnt like you back, idiot.

Todo: ... oh.

Baku: get that shit sorted or you'll go blind

(And for those who are curious, yes maaaayyybe Bakugou has a case of the stars in this timeline too, that’s how he knows. To whom? I'll let you decide bc honestly, I just want todobaku brotp bonding over unrequited love)

so now Todo thinks he might be fucked. One of his best friends confessed to the girl he likes too and she likes him back and now Todo has this disease that might make him go blind and might get in the way of heroing (which they've all secured post graduation positions by now) and what can he do about it?

nothing, says the doctor he sees. The disease is not curable and the only way to stop it is to have your feelings returned else you'll go colour blind and then completely blind, so he's told.

ya he's really fucked.

maybe its a good thing then, that he doesnt cry often. It makes it easier to ice over these feelings, freeze them in time with the memories of U.A.; of his last congratulations to her and her smile at the end of the ceremony an hour after he overheard that confession

maybe its another good thing that right after graduation, everyone went off to their own positions as side kicks with agencies across japan, focusing on heroing

but its 3 months after graduation that Iida tells Deku and Todoroki that he is seeing Momo when they meet up every Friday to catch up

its 6 months after graduation that its publicly announced in Hero Magazine that Ingenium and Creati are dating

its 9 months after graduation that he sees Iida and Momo attending the Hero Association's rising stars gala as a couple and are seated at the same table as them

(Bakugou is scowling at him across the table.)

Todo tries. He really does. To be happy for them.

but he's angry at himself that he can't be happy for them. That it saddens him to see Momo glowing under the ballroom lights but its not himself to make her shine like that, its Iida. That he sees she is the one to make Iida genuinely happy in the way his eyes light up when he smiles at her.

and all three times Todo goes home, lies down alone in his room, an arm slung across his forehead as the star tears leak from his eyes.

he starts to lose seeing colour at 12 months.

after 24 months he needs glasses for colour correction (and ironically gets a sponsorship with the brand. The fashion magazines print headlines for weeks "Hot-Cold Hero Shouto Fall Fashion! See page 7 spread for his newest spotted specks and turtle necks")

at 36 months Iida breaks the news. Iida's gonna propose to Yaoyorozu and wants him, Deku, and his brother to be his groomsmen

she said yes.

and a part of Todo washes away with the star tears flooding him room and twinkling against the tatami.

he tries to stay out of the wedding planning as much as possible. He'll go to the tuxedo fittings as requested and still keep up hearing the updates when seeing Iida and Deku for their weekly get together on Friday nights. 

But for anything involving Momo's presence, there will always be a "sorry i have a mission that week", "sorry im visiting my mom", "sorry Endeavor needs to see me about the agency"

... all excuses Bakugou knows, but the others pay no mind. They are rising heroes near the top of the billboard by now

month 48. Wedding day.

she's stunning. Gorgeous. A near goddess walking down the aisle on her big day.

but she's not walking down for him. No its for iida.

there was the ceremony, the cheers, the congratulations, the reception. Fairy lights around the dance floor and along the walls, champagne glittering after the sound of a cork

Todoroki stands off to against the wall as the night dies down, a glass in hand, watching the newly weds grace the dance floor.

someone slides up beside him, he feels the presence. Bakugou.

"She's beautiful isnt she?"

"Yeah."

. . .

a star tear falls from Todoroki's eyes, twinkle hidden among the fairy lights and champagne glitter.

she's beautiful, but maybe its a good thing I can't see

somebody said: what if she knows everything that had happened and the reason why he couldn't continue his career is bc of her?

me: ok you’re asking for it

Momo, 3 months pregnant with iimomo baby, announces with Iida the news to their friends

the soon to be parents want to choose godparents for the baby so Iida gets to choose the baby’s godmother and Momo gets to choose the godfather

and ofc along with the announcement Momo asks Todoroki to be the kid’s godfather

he can’t say no to her.

the same week later Todo and Momo's agencies are requested to deal with this one villain case while Ingenium's agency deals with another in another town (later turns out the cases were connected)

small talk, civil, very professional between Momo and Todo when they’re in the debriefing

at this point Todo's pretty much completely blind and uses some special contact lenses from Hatsume to help "see"

but the contact lenses can only do so much as to detect light movement and shadows and it reallllllllly doesnt work well when he's using his fire 

so Todo already had tossed around the idea of running away to the mountains like Roy did in the FMA 2003 ending, "mysteriously" retiring bc really his vision cannot keep up

until this last mission with Momo

and really its been nearly a decade now since they last worked together side by side (not since U.A. he thinks).. so just let the blind man be selfish one last time

and so smth smth missiom happens, Todo and Momo fighting side by side

but Momo senses there’s something off with Todo's movements? His reflexes are slower.. it doesnt seem like he's prediciting the opponents moves like he used to.. he's more so reacting and retaliating than attacking..

she chalks it up to that they havent fought side by side in a long time and his style must’ve changed and really, she doesnt know him anymore... not like she used to

smth smth 3 months pregnant Momo gets hurt, knocked unconscious for a bit

Todo saves her

and when she comes to, while Todo's holding her, star tears fall onto her cheek from Todo's eyes. 

She's shocked. Reaches up to gently graze a finger tip at his left cheek.

"Todoroki-san, these are?"

and again its like Todo didnt realize he was crying. He jerks away from her hand and brushes her off with "its nothing”. Changes the subject with "are you ok?"

Momo: yes.. i think so

Todo: and the baby?

Momo, sitting up: we're ok I think

Todo, moving away: good

the mission concludes and they meet up with Ingenium’s group to wrap up the two ends. Todo slips away before Iida and Momo and approach him

theres no activity from Todoroki for the next month

neither Iida, Deku or anyone else in 1A know where he went except the Hero Association's vague comment on "Hot Cold Hero Shouto has taken a sudden indefinite hiatus"

(Only Todo’s family knows and Endeavor asked the Association to say "hiatus" instead of "retirement" bc Enji wants to believe in his son making a comeback. He didnt stop Shouto from taking off)

and ofc Momo upon hearing this is so confused??? Her last mission with him was the last time she saw him and he was crying. Why was he crying? Strange star tears twinkling and landing on her cheeks? What even is that phenomenon?

its too many questions and ofc Momo's gonna investigate. For the sake of her friend.

so she digs up all the texts she can find on star tears. Internet search all the possibilities. Consults the doctors at the hospital. Even asks Tenya if Todoroki has been acting strangely during their weekly catch ups.

but Tenya tells her Todoroki hasnt been the the meet ups since after their wedding

so she asks anyone in their pro hero circle of associates she can think of. Tsukiyomi, Burnin', heros from his agency, anyone she can think of that has worked with Todoroki before and could comment on his behaviour

no body knows. No body noticed anything different either. Sure there were some off days but the Hot Cold Hero Shouto was always on his game being one of the top 3 heroes on the billboard charts

she searches and searches, splitting time interviewing colleagues and researching the possible star tears phenomenon

until eventually her search takes her to...

Bakugou.

Of course.

Momo, pleading: please Bakugou, you know something about him dont you?

Bakugou, who at this point had been very careful trying not to get cornered knowing her investigation: save it pony tail, you’re about to have a baby. Go have people harass you about that brat in your oven instead of harassing other people

Momo, nearly begging: please. You and I both know he's strong and a good hero that would not suddenly retire. Whatever he is doing, he might need help.. please tell me Bakugou.

... theres something about pregnant women that you cant say no to.

Bakugou, relenting: tch. The half ass is somewhere in Yokohama

and thats all she needs nearly running waddling (as fast as a pregnant woman could) out the door

Bakugou, calling out after her, still reluctant: when find that half ass, i suggest you throw him a gift. Literally. Throw it at him. He deserves it.

she finds him along the port, watching the sunset in Yokohama (its really not that hard to find someone with heterochromia and two tone hair in a city, especially if youre a hero that knows what methods heroes will use to go incognito)

and for some inkling of a feeling, Momo takes Bakugou's advice. She has a carton of strawberry milk in hand.

Momo, a few feet away from him: Todoroki-san, it's been a while.

Todo, turning his head in her direction: Yaoyorozu...?

Momo, sadly smiling: the sunset is beautiful here isnt it?

Todo, brows furrowing: .. sure. Yaoyorozu what are you doing here--

Momo, interrupting him: --i brought some snacks. Strawberry milk, you liked this while we were in school right? Catch.

she tosses it at him.

he tries to reach out.

But he'es completely off. And misses

Momo, sad: Todoroki-san. You're blind, arent you?

Todo, guilty: ah.

Momo, tearing up: will you please tell me?

he still can say no to her and confesses his story

and when he's finished telling the tale of star tears, the stars above are twinkling too

she's crying and choking and sobbing through tears and its intensified by baby Iida with pregnancy hormones

But the last thing she manages to croak out at the very least is still wholly her

She apologizes

“Im so sorry Todoroki- san. I cant love you that way.”

“I know.”

END NOTES:

red is the last color Todoroki wanted to lose because it reminds him of Momo

during missions, as long as he could see her, “that’s ok” he thought. she is the only one he sees in color. that is okay with him

to him, Momo is his shining star. And there’s something tragically poetic of him losing his sight to the stars if its for his shining star Momo

He leaves the last stars in a tiny little jar like those paper stars as a gift for her with just the words on a note "goodbye Momo" the day after she finds him in Yokohama

Momo has the jar of stars forever on her bedside and looks at them with this melancholy expression. Baby Iida grows up and asks mom: "what is that jar of stars?" 

Momo responds: "a gift from someone that was blinded by love"

Bakugou in this timeline had a case of star tears too but I'd like to think he got his feelings requited so he never went blind to contrast Todo

So thats why Baku is (begrudgingly) sympathetic to Todo cuz he thinks: “that could’ve been me”

The ending shot of a blind Todoroki in a dark room, all alone, eyes closed, thinking back to Momo's shining smile from UA surrounded by star light with a sad smile on his face and it fades to black

> archives masterpost

[purplesurveys]

609

What has been the most annoying thing about your day so far? I had a blood test done for my dog last Friday and they still haven’t updated me about the availability of the results. They really shouldn’t have said “Wait within the day or tomorrow” if they weren’t going to be able to deliver their promise up to THREE days later because it’s just giving me more anxiety.  Is your computer running slow today? (Mine is, and it's annoying!!!!) No. I don’t do a lot of things with mine and it’s especially relaxed now that school’s out for Christmas and the programs I usually have on are now closed. Do you own a romper? Yes, I have a couple. Do you have a smartphone or a dumb phone, or no phone? I have a...smartphone, I guess. What popular social media platforms AREN'T you on? Instagram.

Have you ever spilled nail polish? I don’t think I have, no. What was the last thing you were stressed about? Well, since you got me talking about my dog’s blood test, then that. I’ll also be stressing over my Incomplete marks throughout the holiday break. What does your computer's slow-loading cursor look like? I don’t get it – like what shows up when my laptop kinda lags? It shows me the Mac rainbow pinwheel. Do you prefer Microsoft Word or Pages? I use Google Docs to write class notes and to work on anything acads-related. I used to use Pages, then I realized it didn’t suit me so I moved on to Microsoft OneNote, then it just traumatized me after I tried using it for my notes in Econ class which I barely passed – so I just moved on to GDocs. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? Swimming pool. I have little use for a trampoline. Are you angry at someone right now? Myself, as always. Do you ever dream of getting revenge? It’s an occasional thought just so I feel satisfied but it never gets into specifics. Do you have the same favorite colors you had when you were a kid? Mmm no. My favorite as a kid was purple, because it was my great-grandma’s favorite and a lot of her stuff was purple. When she passed, I saw it less and less and I phased it out as my favorite color. What do you like to put in your tea? I don’t like tea. What do you like to put in smoothies? There’s one smoothie that I admittedly do like; it’s called the Breakfast Smoothie from Go Salads but I dunno what’s in it so let me look it up real quick – ok so I just checked Zomato, and it consists of apple, banana, cinnamon, oats, coco sugar, chia seeds, greens, and soy milk. I don’t make smoothies myself but if I absolutely had no choice, I’d get that specific kind. Do your stuffed animals have names? I don’t even own any stuffed toys. What was the name of the first porcelien doll you got? I never had one. What would you like to paint on a rock? I’ve never thought about painting on a rock. Do you own any tapestries, and if so, what's on it/them? Nope. Do you sell any products? If so, what? No, I don’t. Am really not the business-y/entrepreneurial type, lmao. If not, do you want to start a business? See above. Have your parents ever crushed your dreams? No, they have always been accepting and supportive. Bonus points to my dad for not laughing in my face when I told him I wanted to be a runway model back when I was 12 because I WOULD HAVE. Do you own anything cheetah print? I have a hand-me-down tank top with a cheetah print but I only wear that around the house. Do you know how to knit? No, I never learned how to. We were taught knitting and crocheting in home ec but I have a very hard time learning if it’s hands-on (which also explains why I can’t do origami), so I was never able to catch up with my classmates and never got to submit final projects either. Have you ever made a collage for your bedroom wall? I did like a lettering thing of a quote made up of cut-up magazine pages when I was in high school, but I’m not sure if that counts as a collage. Do you make DIY projects and gifts? No, because I’m terrible at anything DIY. Would you ever get a tattoo? I would but it would take A LOT of courage, crying, and getting over my fear of needles lmao. Is your computer slow? Nope. The one time it noticeably lagged was when I downloaded The Sims 4 and started playing it. I quickly realized it isn’t a gaming laptop though so I had the program deleted almost immediately. What types of churches do you find really boring? All of them. Would you ever start a small group in your home? Uh, like a cult? No, that’s pretty weird. Do you have an inspiration board? No, I don’t. What do you take when your back hurts? I don’t take anything, I just change my position to one where my back won’t feel as strained. Does your back hurt right now? Not so much at the moment. What color are your nails painted? THEY AREN’TTTTTT Are you wearing a romper? I don’t wear rompers around the house lmao. Do you have a colored teddy bear? Nope. On what day is your local grocery store the busiest? I’m guessing Sunday, since everyone usually goes out on Sundays anyway. What day do you usually go grocery shopping? My mom does hers on the weekends.  Do you prefer to shop online or in stores? In stores tbh because I get to see the products before thinking about buying them, but I won’t deny that online shopping is also a lot more convenient. Do you like shopping? Looking through shelves and hangers can be overwhelming for me so no not really, but it does feel good when I’ve already bought everything I want/need haha. Do you own any band t-shirts? Just one.

Do you have an annoying neighbor? They have annoying kids, but no I don’t have issues with the neighbors. Do you have a dream? Sure. Do you own a pair of Lularoe leggings? No. Would you ever wear leggings as pants? I have before. Owls or peacocks? Peacocks, I guess? Lions or horses? Lions. Do you like getting caught in the rain without an umbrella? No. Can you still fit into kid's clothes? Kid’s clothes are hella small so I highly doubt it, but I do have a rather petite figure. Would you rather wear orange or black? Black. Is your kitchen floor black and white checkered? It isn’t. Do you own bar stools? We don’t. Who have you been told you look like? I’ve been told I look and speak like Frankie Pangilinan lmao. I also had a high school classmate who liked telling me I look like Lucy Hale but I haaaaaaardly see the resemblance. What color are your doorknobs? Gold. Do you feel like you are waiting for life to start? Now more than ever, yeah. What devotional do you read, if any? Do you own a bobblehead? Not since I was a kid. What do you make wishes on? Just candles. Do you own pastel-colored jeggings? I don’t own jeggings at all. Are you in physical pain right now? Not anymore since I got my teeth treated. So relieving. Are you in emotional distress right now? Always during the holiday season. What color nail polishes do you think are best for summer? I don’t care. What's the best natural pain reliever? Dogs and good food. Do you like trees? I’m not particularly obsessed but I do care for them, if that’s what you’re asking. Do you own a flashlight? Yeah, I have one in my car that doubles as a taser. What is your city known for? Rice cakes, a waterfall, its resorts, and being on a mountain. What is your state known for? Rizal isn’t particularly known for anything other than being near Metro Manila and large chunks of it being atop a mountain lol. What is your country known for? A murderous president, being in the news for hurricanes and floods, beaches like Palawan and Boracay, and balut, which so many people are pussies about. Do you have a church home? I don’t even know what that means. If the local mailman sent you a facebook friend request, would you accept? No. What's your favorite Paramore song? OMG ARE YOU KIDDING HAVE YOU READ THIS TUMBLR Do you like the song "Fake Happy"? YES Do you tan easily? A bit, yeah. Do you own plaid pants? Nope. What did your first Barbie doll look like? I don’t remember because I didn’t really like playing with Barbies. Do you like scrambled eggs? Love them. They’re my favorite kind of eggs, along with omelets. Have you ever made a recipe you found in a magazine? Nope. Have you ever done a craft that you saw in a magazine? I probably did as a kid. What kind of business would you most like to start? Food, most likely. Are you bitter about anything? Aren’t we all. What is your favorite nail polish color? I don’t caaaaare. What is your favorite color for cars? White. What is your favorite color for bridesmaid dresses? Something muted, like dirty white or cream or beige. I don’t want a lot of flashy colors in my wedding. What is your favorite color in general? Right now it’s pastel pink. Do you look good in black? Yes. Do you ever wear orange? Rarely. Do you have a twin? No. If you had a twin, what would he or she be named? I don’t have a clue.

[thalassomania]

goku and chichi for the character thing!!

brace yourselves i’m gonna gush about my spouses. yes i’m married to both of them why do you ask

chichi first because she’ll be less overwhelming

favorite thing about them: she’s like. The Lesbian Experience. okay not really but i’m sure she was at least someone’s gay awakening, and for good reason. like… have you seen how much ass this gal kicks? she’s fantastic! i love the dynamic she has with her father and just how cutesy she is around goku even if she deserves way better than him but i could go on about that forever. ALSO i have a couple of the classic dragon ball manga and i adore the way they translated her speech? she sounds like a country bumpkin and it’s adorable. admittedly i’ve only really watched dragon ball classic but i love her and i get really happy every time she’s around!

least favorite thing about them: chichi is a very cool character. very, very cool! but she’s heavily underutilized in the narrative of dragon ball because she’s delegated to Wifey and nothing else. she could have a role alongside the z fighters but she doesn’t because toriyama doesn’t know how to write women or relationships or anything. i also really hate how even though kid chichi’s outfit is super cute it’s also weirdly revealing for a little kid and Who thought it was a good idea to have her stop wearing the helmet? the helmet was kickass! SHE’S MORE OF A CHARACTER THAN JUST “GOKU’S WIFE” Y’ALL I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OBVIOUS I CAN MAKE THIS!!! NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE GOCHI TO SOME DEGREE BUT JESUS CHRIST!!!! THEY BOTH WORK BETTER WITH OTHER CHARACTERS!!!!!!!!! their relationship needs some serious reworking. i guess that’s my biggest issue, coupled with the fact that it’s practically chichi’s entire character…

favorite line: ooh i’m gonna quote the manga volume i have for this one because i’m no good at remembering lines. “OO, THIS IS JES’ TOO DANG FREAKY! GIT OUTTA HERE!!!” this translation of the manga is the only valid iteration of dragon ball there is, ever.

brOTP: chichi is friends with everyone. that is canon and the truth. also since i only know classic i’m not the best judge of this… but she probably gets along with vegeta pretty well at least? they hang out. talk about how dumb goku is. you know the drill.

OTP: i love how i can’t say gochi for this because their canon interactions are… Yikes. i love the ship in theory but in execution? they’re both better off dating my self-insert and they’re all married and they love one another very much anyway um… bulchi. bulma and chichi. yeah. that’s it. that’s what i was gonna say.

nOTP: lol gochi (jk i’m sure there are worse ships out there… somewhere)

random headcanon: she’s weirdly good at understanding other people’s feelings. when people vent to her she can just listen on and on and even connect with them to some degree. she’s a supportive presence and her very existence is a positive influence on the rest of the cast!

unpopular opinion: she is more of a character than just goku’s wife and she also deserves better than him. gochi is such a circumstantial thing for me haha

song i associate with them: is the song “chi-chi” too obvious? prrrrrrobably. but until i get a better idea that’s what we’re sticking with! additionally i’d like to bring up the song waves! maybe it’s too urban for her but i love it very much so. it’s chichi now. god i love chichi so much OH SHIT I THOUGHT OF ONE MORE!!! sorry i’m looking for a song for goku and it just occurred to me that Apple Blossom suits her WONDERFULLY i’m going to cry THAT’S MY GIRL!!!!!!!!!

favorite picture of them: look at how cute she is i love her so much i will protect her with my goddamn life!!!

now it’s Boy Hour

favorite thing about them: I LOVE SON GOKU SO DAMN MUCH!!!! HE IS SO CUTE AND SUCH A FUN AND VERSATILE CHARACTER AND HIS VOICE IS PRECIOUS AND HE’S SUPER HANDSOME IN DBZ AND??? AND I LOVE AND SUPPORT HIM SO MUCH? HE HAS AN ACCENT IN THE MANGA LIKE CHICHI DOES ONLY LESS PRONOUNCED AND IT’S PRECIOUS AND HE FOLLOWS MY LITERAL FAVORITE TROPE IN THE UNIVERSE, AKA “CHARACTER FROM ANOTHER TIME/PLACE HAS TO ADJUST TO MODERN TIMES” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa… okay with a little less capslock now, goku has legitimately been a positive influence on me recently. he is a Happy Boy and i wanna be happy too! i just got my goku varsity jacket in the mail last friday and i’m still swooning over how wonderful it is? i’m wearing it right now y’all. Right Now. also i have a goku plush and he’s precious have a nice day!

least favorite thing about them: okay there’s a lot to say here. a Lot a lot a lot. but my biggest issue is the fact that goku is an incredibly static character. he doesn’t change or express himself almost ever. i don’t know how much of this is Shounen Protagonist Syndrome and how much of it is toriyama’s flaws as a writer but it really stresses me out! saiyajin emotional suppression is one thing and not knowing how to feel is another, but goku’s levels of Feeling Nothing are off the fucking charts. he’s also a terrible father and family man and is totally willing to just run off somewhere and get badly hurt without telling anyone. most of this would be fine if it was actually addressed and if goku changed as a character, but he never does. how do we know if he’s happy with chichi when even love seems like a foreign concept to him?

favorite line: okay we’re getting positive again. “You can tell girls and boys apart just by looking? Awesome!”  let me use a manga quote for this because i have them on me and i love the way his dialogue is written. goku’s reaction to getting shot multiple times: “Ha! Dummy! Stupid! Y’think you can hurt me?! With little owchies like that?! Hah!” (note: i had to take a break from the character meme here because i got too distracted by my incredible love for this manga)

brOTP: GOKU AND BULMA ARE BFFS!!! also goku and oolong even though oolong totally has a thing for goku and goku doesn’t notice because he’s an oblivious baby

OTP: GOKRILLIN GOKRILLIN GOKRILLIN ALSO KAKAVEGE THOSE ARE BOTH REALLY GOOD WHAT IF THEY WERE ALL DATING AT THE SAME TIME. OH SHIT. OH DAMN. goku is also married to my self-insert and chichi at the same time they all love one another a lot and

nOTP: …well, i mean. gochi i guess. i love it but at the same time it’s so… GgghghgHGghghhh sometimes. also i’m not the biggest fan of goku/bulma, whatever that ship is called.

random headcanon: goku is legitimately traumatized from the “training” he experienced with roshi. there is a reason i don’t have a tag for roshi on my blog and only call him Nasty Man. it’s because i hate him and he hurt goku and kuririn and i’ll kick his gross p*dophilic ass. ALSO GOKU IS A BOTTOM. DON’T FIGHT ME ON THIS I KNOW I’M RIGHT

unpopular opinion: he’s a bisexual icon. actually no that should be commonly accepted. Actually that’s just canon what am i doing ha ha lol

song i associate with them: honestly i can’t think of any off the top of my head so give me a moment here. ok so i’m gonna toss we’re going to be friends into the void here even though it’s not nearly as energetic as most “goku music” would be. and maybe uhh. i’ve been going through my music folder for like half an hour and i’ve found nothing else that suits him so i give the fuck up. i’m sorry goku pwease don’t hate me

favorite picture of them: S q u i s h y.

also this other one that i’m linking to directly so i can be sure it will play because i love it so much  i spent like an hour on this fucking post holy christ

[illuminiscentboba]

im so sorry to aether for not being able to post about him due to everything jabshBHsjdh he deserves daily songs and praises LMAO GOOD TO KNOW MY FEELINGS ABOUT HIM HAVENT FADED 😩😭✨ pls lumi I take it back im not doing good I have so much homework to do and they're all due tomorrow sobbing crying on the floor I want to write albether/aebedo and aether paimon and lumine but I can't. my brain is so scuffed rn. lumi how do u get writing motivation

babe 🥺🥺💝💝💔

aether is good at waiting dw shipship and altho he does deserve the very best he’d want the very best for you too 💝💝💝💛💛💛💐💐🥺

Sending sm big big warm fluffy hugs and comfort and I’m so sorry that your having a rough time and feeling overwhelmed 💝💝‼️ you can always come to me if you ever wanna vent and I’m manifesting for you the very best and sending a lot of good luck and love your way 💝💝💛💛💐💐‼️‼️‼️

About motivation,,,I’ve been having a major motivation burn out these last few days honestly (it got better this weekend and Friday thankfully) but because of that I’ve realized that motivation and your mental health go more hand in hand than I realized like some people can write to cope but I just can’t at all like I’ll want to and b unable too and that would make it worse 💀 I’m not sure if it’ll work for you but sitting down and thinking about what I like to write about, anything I’m hyper fixated on alongside day to day things help? Like let’s take my iwa fic for example, I was putting some sauce on my pasta and a few days before that I was at ny cousins house and their sauce was super different and so I was thinking about iwa and it was like ‘I wonder what types of food he’d like?’ ‘He’s not rlly picky and would probably eat anything regardless of whatever culture and would lowkey love it even if he has no clue about it’ (then my brain wandered to how his besties would react w foreign food) and then ny iwa x ethic reader was born like thinking about how a chara would think about anything helps/taking ideas when they come. Though if you mean motivation as in how to continue then I would take a break and revisit the idea like get down what I want what I think and add on thoughts, usually after I start rewriting the outline ideas start coming out in their own through dialogue and setting tho thinking about things jokingly and discussing random things much help for motivation lol (cue the hair ties 💀💅✨) BUT I RLLY HOPE IT ALL GOES WELL FOR H SHIP MY BELOVED 💝💝💝

[chaosbisexual]

i know. im sure.

u asked for it darling,, ilu xx 

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?

YEs. Either or i love boys i love girls I LOVE LOVE 

2.When did your last hug take place?

like friday?? idk i’ve only ever been w my fam this weekend and we’re not super huggy

3.Are you a jealous person?

Hah,,, no,,, yes. 

4.Are you tired right now?

A lil bit. i had a nice sleep in today. 

5.Do you chew on your straws?

yes. anxious habit. and i get bored. yes. 

6.Have you ever been called a tease?

no i never get much attention of that sort and i’m lowkey happy abt that. 

7.Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

no i love sleep and dreaming too much for that 

8.Do you cry easily?

depends??? like movies, yes, frustration, yes, but i don’t cry when i’m sad unless its like groundbreakingly awful. 

9.What should you be doing right now?

doing homework and writing arsenic (my tom riddle fic which i love)

10.Are you a heavy sleeper?

again, depends on how much i need sleep. usually, i think.

11.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

HAH. HAH. HAH. no one could put up w me for that long also i have some sort of commitment issues bc i’m scared of them getting bored and not being enough

12.Are you mad at someone right now?

no,, i dont think so ??

13.Do you believe in love?

yes. i have to. yes. 

14.What makes you laugh no matter what?

AVPM. hands down. love it. also nathan zed, love, actually and doctor who innuendos. 

15.Who was the last person you talked to?

my dad?? irl and one of my friends over messenger

16.Do you get butterflies around the person you like?

YES

17.Will you get married?

idk?? i’d have to find someone who i love that much?? and they’d have to love me too?? 18.When was the last time you smiled?

in the shower probs. i have good thoughts in the shower. (just daydream thoughts)

19.Does anyone like you?

THIS IS FUNNIER THAN THE RELATIONSHIP ONE hAH. PROBABLY NOT. (i’m assuming this means crushing, so HAH.)20.Do you secretly like someone?

no i mean yes i mean what

21.Who was the first person you talked to today?

dad. 

22.Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

@acestephendene

23.What are you NOT looking forward to?

EXAMS 

24.What ARE you looking forward to?

finishing my godamn fic, bc it means so much to me but i’ll be so happy to finish it bc it will mean that i can write a book!

25.Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

if you’re talkin abt any kind of love, then i think my dad means it. but other that no, bc i’m not that gr8 at makin ppl love me or bein in relationships

26.Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?

turn around and walk away bc they deserve to be happy (this has happened and i was well and truly over it so i was fine lol)27.Do you plan on moving out within the next year?

no but i hate this town so i guess i wish i was 

28.Are you a forgiving person?

yes. probably too much, but its fine. 

29.How many TRUE friends do you have?

5 or 6?? 

30.Do you fall for people easily?

not really? i fall for people for reasons i dont understand and its annoying but i dont fall for people easily??

31.Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

no comment. (although it was only a crush i never did anything abt it im sry)

32.What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?

my water bottle straw???

33.Who was the last person you drove with?

my step mum i think ??

34.How late did you stay up last night and why?

just until midnight, bc i was watching a movie (anna karenina - it was p good)

35.If you could move somewhere else, would you?

Y E S ,, I CANNOT SCREAM IT LOUDER (@ london one day soon i’m comin 4 u )

36.Who was the last person you took a picture of?

a friend for a photography project @ school

37.Can you live a day without TV?

i mean ?? yes ?? i watch all my shows on my laptop so,,, i just couldnt live w/o my phone i admit that

38.When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?

my maths results a few weeks ago i think?

39.Three names you go by..

ali, alex, alexandra (added bonuses; cabbage / peanut :))))

40.Are you currently in a relationship?

one last time,,, hAH HAHAH. no.

41.What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

i cannot pick one for the life of me, so here’s a top 3; ten things, love, actually, and love, rosie.

42.Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?

no. just because i think the people you need and who you want to be and be with will change as you grow.

43.What’s your current problem?

exams are a’comin. 

44.Have you ever had your heart broken?

i don’t think so?? i’m so inexperienced w matters of the heart that i’m afraid that maybe i just won’t know what is when my heart breaks. i’ve definitely been hurt over some ex-maybes, though. 

45.Your thoughts of long distance relationships?

they work if you are 100% committed and make space for each other. and if you actually see each other regularly. (my now married sister is proof it can work)

46.How many kids do you want to have?

two or three?? (lyra, andromeda and orion are the dream names. i have now claimed them btw :)))

47.Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them?

this is funny bc its like the person who made this knows where 2 stab me. 

yes. extremely. it hurts. and has caused issues more than once. probs why i have no love life.

i’m so sorry i hope i didnt overwhelm u. i love u. i’m probs so boring oops x

[whatafirefeelslike]

oh god saturday night we were standing in my kitchen waiting for water to boil for tea and my boyfriend starts hugging me/swaying as we’re listening to music. and he’s looking at me with this sad intense look on his face so i ask what’s up, and he keeps staring at me so i ask if he’s okay and he cups my face and says he loves me. 

i said oh my god. and was a little overwhelmed. i wanted to say it back but i was not 100% sure, just 99% and i was afraid he would think i was just saying it if i said it back then. so i said i didn’t want to say it yet because i wasn’t 100% there yet, but Nearly there. he said that’s okay and he only wanted to hear it when I was Sure. well after we had sex a bit later and i was looking at him i was sure, and wondering whether to wait until the morning to tell him or not. i thought it would be more genuine in the morning but i just wanted to say it. i’ve thought it so many times over just the past week. i’ve probably had sex an average of 2x a day this month because when we’re together, which for the past 2 weeks has been more days than not, we can’t stop doing it. but the friday night before valentine’s day he said, as we were making out in his bed, he wanted to make love to me. i can remember how i felt so well hearing that, like i was melting underneath and into him. i already knew we had Something because we became exclusive a week after we started talking. but that really fueled the flames and made me think. Oh my God. this is Serious.

i really think i had an inkling when we first slow danced to at last by etta james in my friend’s studio. and the nights we’ve stayed up late just talking and laughing our asses off. i can’t remember the last time i laughed with someone so hard and so much. mostly i make myself laugh which makes him laugh. and when i had a bad call with my mom on valentine’s day and he came in after i hung up with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. and later that day slow dancing to songs in my apartment while making dinner....and taking breaks to fuck so we didn’t eat until after 8 or 9pm despite starting at 4. and when i went over to his apt to hang with his friends and one of them got very upset over his grandmother not doing well and my bf went over and comforted him. and this past saturday. he came over to mine and i was so excited to have him try my focaccia but then we fucked 2x? before he tried it. eventually we made it up to his friends’ place and we went to a record store with 2 of his friends and a girl one of them is now kind of seeing, and looked at records and books and stuff. and i got him a t shirt even though he didn’t want me to get it...and he got a little mad at first but i told him it’s the very least i could do and i wanted him to have a shirt to kind of match me (i got a beastie boys check your head shirt). then we went to a flea market, and it felt a little weird but overall Really Nice when he asked me which rings i liked at the jewelry stands. then we got cheesesteaks and took them to a park by the dog run. i was so fucking cold but so happy to be with my boyfriend looking at all the dogs. it feels like something we can do over and over again with each other and never tire of it. just like the sex and cuddling and laughing and talking. and listening to music and dancing and learning from each other and just. my heart is racing a little just thinking about it, i could cry. and of course later that night he said it.

we’re both really scared. because we literally first saw each other in person on 1/25. it’ll be a month tomorrow since we met at a bakery near my apartment, got coffee, and sat outside talking during my lunch hour and trying to nail all the topics he had written down based on our bumble/text conversations. so while it’s been So Fucking Fast, and i’ve never really been in a relationship (i had a girlfriend for 2 months, but didn’t see her nearly as much and don’t really count it), it feels so natural and like he’s become my best friend and i his. there are so many strong emotions involved and i’m trying to protect myself as much as i can. i’ve been so bad at saying things because i’m afraid to say them, and saying them so much both dilutes the meaning and makes it more real to me. like when i tell him how happy he makes me, that scares me bc i don’t want him to become the only thing that makes me happy. we’ve talked about this stuff a lot and are trying to be careful. but he’s also said he can see a future with me. a Long one. and that he decided to only date people he can imagine himself marrying. oh fuck i want to cry about it now because i can see it too which is Insane.

but there’s also the issue of loving someone vs. being in love with them. i know i love him. and he loves me. and he’s said a couple of times he’s in love with me. but we were talking about it last night because i brought it up, because i’m still afraid he doesn’t think i love him--i said yes i absolutely love him with my whole heart, but i’m not sure i’m in love yet. there are certainly moments. but i know the time is coming when i’ll be sure. however i’m afraid that my feelings will change, and i’ve told him that. he knows this: it’s logical that i, who is 1.5 years younger than him and has never been in a serious romantic relationship before, might not have just one relationship. i’ve only had intercourse with 2 people before him and did some other stuff with 2 other people before him. and most of my other (limited) sexual experiences before that were traumatic lol. i’m also nervous about the points of our lives we’re at--i’ve started my career and am (mostly) sure it’s what i want to do. he’s unemployed rn and is struggling to find work, but wants to go to grad school for something completely different than his bachelor’s and is struggling to find a program he can afford. while there’s something excited about him finding something be passionate about, as i see how much he loves making music, i’d like him to find something sooner rather than later. and it’s So Nice to work from home with him there doing whatever--but that’s just me being selfish lol

but i Know there’s something different about this. i’m trying to stay grounded in the moment and how amazing this is. last night we stayed up until 4am (even though the night before i was passing out by 10), having a serious talk and laughing so so hard. and then having the most passionate sex Ever. like even after being serious and silly we started making out a bit and then he just slid right into me and we made love...like we like to talk to each other a lot during sex etc but this time it was mostly just us breathing and looking at each other. 

ah. i love a boy so much and he loves me. it’s been an intense but wonderful month. i’m trying to not look into the future too much but it’s incredible to think i could be loved romantically and sexually by someone, period--but this boy is, as he’s said, crazy about me. and i’m a bit crazy about him which is hard for me to admit. but it feels like i’ve known him for so much longer than just a month. god. and while i like sleeping in bed with him i’m excited to have mine to myself for at least the next two nights, no snoring (lol)

[nonhopefulwombatclambagel]

So tired :( Got stressed out by a bunch of things mid-day, got super overwhelmed and started feeling a little down.. It’s def hard because I don’t have any support system so I kind of have to push forward and pick myself up all by myself. My schedule is so packed.... I guess it’s easy to be productive and have your life together for a day... two... a week.... But weeks after weeks of doing this and it really takes a toll on you. The cumulative days and days of trying to stay on top of things... At first it feels great and you feel like such a competent little human, but 9 consecutive weeks of “playing a part” and I’m really getting so tired :(

I’ll just type out some thoughts that were stressing me out today:

1. Got my work placement posting for my one week internship and I’m so disappointed cause they posted me to one that’s not even in the city :( I don’t have a car ok I’ll have to take public transport to get there and it’ll take about 1.5 hours... and work starts at 8am everyday...

2. There’s really so many things to do :-( I have a submission this Friday for a group report and I take it upon myself to be the one who does the final edits of everyone’s consolidated work. I typically do this the day before, but Thursday is my busiest day of the week and I don’t know where I’m going to find the time to do it :(

3. I always set out a weekly todo list on Friday nights for the week ahead (Sun-Fri), and things are piling up... I’m not on top of it which stresses me out a lot. Exams are in 7 weeks so I’m trying to start revision now.. And it dawned on me that on my placement week I probably won’t have time to study :( So I really need to stay on top of things..

4. Was selecting my modules for next year and my module allocation is so so shitty. I won’t get into it... But I have 4 modules in Sem 2 and 2 in Sem 1.... On top of my dissertation which I work on all year, but I’m sure the bulk of it will be done in Sem 2... So my Sem 2 next year is gonna be soooo hectic and I feel so stressed thinking about it even though it’s a year away. Cuz it’s my final year and I really want a 4.0 GPA... If it’s even possible for me :(

I’m really so sensitive hahaha and I know it’s a thing for EVERYONE, but I’m very susceptible to one very very tiny thing being the final straw after a cumulation of bad things. E.g Just last week, I was in my Coding workshop, and I was having suuuuch a bad morning that I almost decided to skip the entire day of school but last minute I sucked it up and went. Anyway, in my workshop, I couldn’t get this code, and I couldn’t get my teacher’s attention to come over and help me. When I finally managed to, he was super mean to me (lol) and I just couldn’t help but tear up right there and then from the frustration of not being able to get the code and my teacher being mean to me HAHA. These small things of course normally wouldn’t make me cry, but because it’s like “the straw that broke the camel’s back” and I was like... feeling so defeated nothing was going right. LOL. I wasn’t weeping or anything so my classmates didn’t see, but I’m pretty sure my teacher saw my watery eyes while he was teaching hahaha what a damn fool

I also wanna revise and practice my coding but I really really have no time :(

[lifesperfectblemishes-blog]

You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

I’m going to dig into my personal life here real quick. Something big happened in my relationship last week, and it wasn’t something to celebrate.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. We have arguments and fights just like every relationship. Sometimes they can get pretty intense, but it never became like it was last Sunday.

The Friday before, I found out he was talking to a girl, which I knew about, but I didn’t know they talked a lot. He even asked me if it was okay and at the time I really didn’t care. “Sure go ahead, I don’t care. I trust you.” But I can become a pretty jealous person, and my mind worries a lot when it comes to other girls because of my ex. When I found out he had been talking to her on the phone, I. FREAKED. OUT. Not to him, just my brain automatically jumping to “he’s cheating on me.” Or “he’s going to leave me for her.” I was an absolute mess. The morning I find out he was on the phone with her, I get home from work at 6am and he’s asleep. I lay next to him and cry, thinking I’m losing him to this girl.

Now, my boyfriend, lets call him Elliot, has NEVER and I mean NEVER given me a reason not to trust him. When we got together he weaved out all the girls who could cause drama out of his life. Some girls messaged him but I was never too worried. So why was I acting like this one girl was going to steal my man away from me? I don’t know. I still don’t know.

I lay next to Elliot Saturday morning after getting home from work, and my mind is going crazy. Coming up with unrealistic scenarios, thinking about ‘what if’, questioning everything. I spent about 6 hours in pure agony until he wakes up. He rolls over and cuddles into me like he does every morning. My body goes stiff and I pretend like I’m sleeping. He get up and goes to the bathroom and I message him and this is what starts “the talk.”

“Are you going to start liking her?” No reply.

When he comes out of the bathroom he says, “really Emily, you think I’m going to leave you?” And that’s when I let lose it. I’m bawling my eyes out and begging him to tell me it’s not going to happen. He asks me why I’m so jealous and insecure.

I don’t know why. It’s not like he’s ever given me a reason to question him before this.

After about an hour maybe 2 hours of talking and him calming me down, we are okay, but my mind still isn’t. I suffer from anxiety. If you suffer from anxiety too then you know it make you think of irrational things that you know aren’t true, but your mind has a way of making you believe it is. All day Saturday whenever he was on his phone I thought he was talking to her. It was starting to drive me insane. I had to go back to work that night and I was scared.

I wasn’t myself the whole night and I felt nauseous whenever I thought about the situation. Which was all night. Wondering if they were talking, what they were talking about. I go on break and I see he’s active on Facebook again. I message him and he took a bit to reply. (I thought he was on the phone with her again.) I told him I wanted to come home and that I felt sick. He said he will call me if I wanted. All I wanted was to hear his voice. He had no idea this girl was still bothering me. We talked on the phone and I felt better. I got off work Sunday morning and went home.

And here it begins.

I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was think and worry. I caved in and talked to his mom about everything, and she made me feel 100000 times better. He wakes up and I’m in a good mood. He kisses me good morning, we cuddle, and love each other. Then I hear the notification for Snapchat go off and the thoughts and worry came back. “How many times did she have to snap you?” He said, “she just said hey in one and the other one was a meme.” “Oh, she has to snap you as soon as she wakes up?” “I don’t know if she just woke up.” “Do you guys talk all day?” “Not all day, but we talk.”

Here goes my mind again.

I leave it alone and just lay in bed dwelling on it. I just want him to lay next to me and love me but he didn’t want to. Again my mind goes crazy thinking why doesn’t he want to be next to me. Finally I get up and take the trash over to my parents like I do every Sunday. Elliot asks me to see if my parents have any corn tortillas so he can make us breakfast. I said I’ll ask.

I get to my parents. My moms at work, my dads laying on the couch watching tv like every Sunday. I sit down and cuddle up next to Rosie, and I try to hold in my tears, but they fall anyway. I’m a big daddy’s girl so he automatically asked me what’s wrong and I kept saying nothing. I didn’t want my dad to think badly of Elliot. I ask him about the corn tortillas and he said to check the kitchen table. There was a bunch of stuff that fell when I was looking and I got frustrated and I said “I can’t find them.” My dad comes in and he sees me hysterically crying. He asks again, “what’s wrong?” I looked at him and paused then said, “I think Elliot is going to break up with me.” “Why’s that?” My dad knows how my brain works. I told him he’s talking to a girl and he says they’re just friends but I didn’t know. My dad said, “well maybe they are just friends.” He gave me some little advise, but on my way home I decided I’m telling Elliot either he stops talking to the girl or I am breaking up with him.

I got home and did just that. I’m hysterically crying and telling him I’m leaving him. That’s not even what I wanted. I just didn’t want to feel like I was anymore.

Now looking back I probably looked really delusional. He’s talking to a girl who we both know isn’t his type what so ever and I’m accusing him of MAYBE one day in the future HE MIGHT LIKE HER. Talk about insecure much?

We end up getting into this HUGE blow out of a fight. I’m in the car backing out of the drive way with Elliot screaming out the window telling me not to leave. Calling me telling me if I back out of that drive way we are done. (I have a habit of always trying to leave when the situation gets heated.) I can’t remember anything he said because I was so overwhelmed. But he hung up the phone, closed the window. I threw my phone into the passenger side seat. I took my foot off the break and I backed out of the drive way.

**I was going to put the whole story in this one post, but it’s way too long for that. I’ll just leave a cliff hanger type thing right here for ya all to wonder for awhile lol.**