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buckysgrace · 11 months

Text

Nineteen

Content Warning!!!! This chapter mentions/describes Abuse, child abuse, unsafe abortions, suicide, rape and alcohol abuse.

This was long and for what lmao

Rosemary

1966

She was fifteen when she met Neil.

He was almost two years older than her, with a tight smile and reserved personality. She'd heard girls talk about him before but as far as she knew, he never did anything other than talk to them. She'd never heard about him ever actually taking anyone on a date It gave her hope.

They met often after his football practices, near the bleachers once he'd gathered all of his things up. She was a cheerleader, and he was a quarterback for the team. In her mind she thought it was a good match, a perfect stereotype. She had been enamored the first time she had seen him, her mind already planning what their future would be like together.��

His brown hair was always styled back neatly, not one strand out of place even after he’d played for hours with a helmet on. He was always clean shaven and spoke slow and smooth, like he wanted her to absorb every word he said. She always found herself lost in his eyes, sucked in a pool of fascination. They were a bright blue, sparkling like the most precious gemstones.

She didn’t have an issue talking with boys, but he did intimidate her quite a bit. She still felt like she didn’t belong in this town, like she stuck out like a sore thumb. No one seemed to really understand her, and she certainly didn’t understand how people valued looks and reputation so heavily. Neil didn't seem any different. He definitely valued his reputation and only spoke to people that he deemed worthy.

She had been new the year prior. She’d never been to California before, other than to visit her great aunt Margaret. She liked visiting Margaret for a while, until Margaret began to refer to Rosemary as Roberta, her only child that had died when she was six. Rosemary felt too bad to correct her half the time. However, leaving her house soon became harder and harder. The last time she had left claw marks in Rosemary's arm and demanded to know what kind of child would leave their mother behind. Rosemary had been too afraid to return after that, not wanting Margaret to suffer any longer.

She liked where they’d lived in Louisiana. The town was small, but their farm was vast. She enjoyed the company of animals better than people. She never complained when she woke up hours earlier to assist her parents with feeding the animals, or when she missed out on activities with her friends because there was work to be done on the farm. She liked collecting chicken eggs and helping nurse the calves.

She particularly loved the horses that they raised, the ones her father would take far out of state and show off in various competitions. When she was nine, she got her own foal who she named Sugar Lips. He was her pride and joy and she told him all of her secrets. She took care of him better than she’d seen some parents take care of their children. She thought he was trained enough to stay inside of their house, but her parents thought differently.

She loved their big yellow house and the large wrap around porch that sat over a large hill. Her mother had an array of pear trees that lingered around their house and seemed to always be in season. They had a vast pond that they used to go fishing and sometimes Rosemary would dip her toes in the water while she rested underneath their large willow tree. She hated to move, hated that she had to go so far away from the things that she loved.

Her sister AnneMarie had gotten into trouble about something, Rosemary wasn’t completely sure what it was other than it involved the preacher's son. The only thing Rosemary really knew was that her parents paid a hefty dime to have something fixed and their farm was sold the following day. Rosemary had cried and thrown a tantrum, not wanting to leave behind their life and her precious Sugar Lips. it didn’t matter how badly she cried and yelled, they moved anyway. She’d been spanked more times that summer than she could remember. They moved in with aunt Margaret until they settled and by the time Margaret had passed she couldn’t even remember her own name.

San Diego seemed to be three times as big as her hometown. Her whole freshmen class had consisted of eight people and now there were hundreds. She didn’t seem to know how to fit in either. There were cliques and you had to dress and act a certain way in order to fit in. Rosemary didn't like the fashion that was popular here, nor did she think it was fair to be required to wear shoes in school. At her former school, most of the kids couldn't afford shoes anyways. Rosemary thought that all of it was dumb. So very dumb.

“You talk funny.” Neil said one day to her after practice, his forehead glimmering from where he'd been sweating. She glanced up at him, sure that this was the first sentence that he had ever spoken to her alone without any of his friends nearby. She felt a fiery force forming in her stomach, thinking that his statement was rather rude.

“I don’t say nothin funny,” Rosemary corrected him hotly, “Ya’ll are the ones with the weird accents.” She snapped back, just as quickly. She’d been popped on the side of the mouth more than once by her parents because of the way she was always smarting off to them. She didn’t care who they were or who Neil thought he was. She was going to stick up for herself.

“My bad,” Neil grinned, his blue eyes raking over her features, “I meant you sound different, pretty.” He said at last. She found her eyes narrowing as she examined him. She pressed her pom poms together.

“There’s a big difference between funny and pretty.” She said pointedly, still assuming that he was trying to make himself look better. Occasionally she’d hear other kids mocking her accent, which she thought was very dumb. Sometimes they’d act like she was dumber, just because of where she moved from.

Neil nodded his head, looking like he understood exactly what she meant. She looked at him for a moment, taking in how his eyebrows were a lighter color than the rest of his hair. He had a slight dip in his nose, like he’d broken it more than once. She noticed a fading bruise against the side of his cheekbone.

“What are you doing for prom?” He said at last, looking truly interested as he leaned against the wall. She crossed her arms over her chest, a little perplexed at what he was trying to get to.

“Well, I don’t know,” She said honestly, “That’s months away. I haven’t even thought about it.” She glanced around as people passed by them. Technically, this wasn’t even her year to go to prom. Prom was for Seniors and Juniors and she was still a Sophomore.

“Go with me.” He said simply, his lips curling up into a soft smile. She looked at him curiously, her eyebrows piercing together as she examined him. She chewed on her bottom lip, trying to hide how curious she was. He was interesting, that was for sure.

“Are you asking or demanding?” She felt her own lips curling into a smile at the way he laughed. It was nice, deep and guttural. She noticed that his amusement didn’t meet his eyes. In fact, his eyes looked like they were hiding something else. She continued to chew on her lip, wondering what secrets he had hidden away.

“Whichever you prefer.” He said slyly, watching her with a great amount of interest. Rosemary pondered it over for a second, reminding herself that no other boy had asked her to a dance. Surely, it wouldn’t be that bad to go to a dance with him. He was handsome, seemed to be sweet enough. She didn’t see him blowing through girls like some of the other boys in school did. What was the true harm?

“Alright,” She said at last. She felt a full smile forming on her lips this time, “I like sunflowers and the color blue.” She said gently, feeling a spark of excitement growing in her chest at the way he smiled at her.

//////////////////////

“You’re going to prom with who?” Her mom questioned her again, peeking up behind Rosemary in the mirror. Rosemary thought that she was short, but her mama stood a head shorter than her. She worked on framing her blonde hair over her forehead, hoping to cover her eyebrows. She hated how much darker they were than the rest of her hair. She had managed to get the ends to curl up in the way she wanted after nearly going through a whole can of hairspray.

“His name is Neil,” Rosemary repeated for like the hundredth time, feeling like this conversation had run dry, “He’s really nice.” She told her mama quickly. She took one last look at her hair, making sure that not one inch was out of place.

“But not nice enough to ask your father for permission?” Her mom said a little stern, the lines on her face pulling together in disbelief. Rosemary sighed deeply as she shook her head, knowing she’d be arguing with a wall over this subject again. Neil had been really sweet. They hadn’t done anything serious, but he had occasionally brought her dandelions. His biggest present had been a small, framed butterfly. She was almost horrified to find out that it was a real one. It was orange, with alternating colors of yellow and black patterns on its wings. It was pretty, but she thought it would’ve been prettier in the wild.

“Mama that’s so outdated,” Rosemary speaks up as she works on ensuring that her lipstick is bright and glossy, “You’ll meet him when he comes to pick me up.” She tries to dismiss her mama’s worries and hopes that she doesn’t do anything to embarrass her.

“You won’t do nothing stupid will you?” Her mom questions, “You know you’re a pretty rose, but once that petal is picked…” She trails off, leaving the statement to ring around in Rosemary’s ears. She sighed deeply and was rolling her eyes before she could help it. Her mama’s hand connected with her shoulder, rolling her eyes back into place.

“I know, mama,” Rosemary grins towards her as she rubs her now sore arm, “I won’t do nothin bad.” She promises, although she supposes it depends on what Neil wants to do. She doubts that he’ll even try anything. He seems to pour over his bible more than anyone she’d ever seen. Sometimes she'd just stare at him while he read, wondering if he was actually getting any information out of it. She used to get in trouble for falling asleep in church and couldn't imagine that someone would read it for fun. She kept her trap shut, however, not wanting to end up offending him.

As she suspected, Neil gets along very well with both of her parents. He’s prim and proper, exactly what her family wants from her. He only speaks when spoken to and holds eye contact far better than anyone she’s ever met. She almost feels like he’s too mature for her and begins to wonder if this would be like taking her daddy to prom. She keeps the grumble inside of herself, hoping that Neil can liven up a bit.

It had actually taken a lot from her to actually get him to dance with her. He seemed nervous, but she thought it was cute. He listened while she spoke and it seemed to work out well enough. About halfway through the night he seemed to gain his confidence and thus took control.

They had set out a blanket in the back of his truck bed and they’d both lost their virginities at the same time. She kept her mouth covered with her hand the whole time, because it really hurt that much. Even though Neil tried to stay slow and soft, she still felt like she was being ripped apart the whole time. She couldn't understand what girls were talking about when they said it felt good. All she felt was hurt and even went home bleeding and with a limp.

She didn’t hear from him for a while after prom. She felt used, like she really had meant nothing to him. It worried her, thinking that he had ruined her from being with anyone else. She hid it to herself, knowing her parents would have her out of the state as soon as they heard about what had happened.

Summer rolled around and Rosemary spent more time at the beach, just soaking in the sun and listening to the way the water crashed against the beach. She found solitude in being alone, not really feeling as if she truly belonged with any of her friends. She thought a lot about her former life as she rested here, wondering if anyone was taking care of Sugar Lips the way that she had.

“Hey,” Neil interrupted her thoughts one sunny afternoon. She felt surprised after not hearing from him for so long, “What are you doing?” He asked her kindly. She scoffed as she turned away from him, looking back towards the clear blue sky instead.

“What makes you interested in talking to me now?” She asks him sharply, feeling like he’d gotten what he wanted and then ran away. She says nothing else as Neil lingers behind her, clearly wanting to hear more from her.

“We sinned.” He says at last. She feels her eyebrows raise on her forehead as she turns to look at him. She expected him to be joking but was surprised when he appeared to be completely serious. It almost makes her laugh.

“Oh boy,” Rosemary inhales deeply but feels a little stunned. She didn’t expect to find a bible thumper this far West. She’d say through many sermons listening to their preacher rant and rave over how terrible the people of California are. They all lived in sin, they were all sinners, “Don’t you Catholics just confess your little problems away to a preacher?”

“Priest,” He corrects her, like it’s a big difference, “Are you not a Christian?” He looks a little worried by her question. She laughs, wondering if that would make this whole situation worse for him.

“I am,” She tells him quickly, “Just a Baptist.” She shrugs her shoulders. She didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Religion was religion. She couldn’t say that she had ever been too interested in it. She thought it was silly that you could be a part of a religion for your whole life, only for it to be the wrong God and therefore you would be sentenced to damnation. It wasn’t fair that they had to search out answers on their own.

“My bad,” Neil smiles as he joins her on the ground, “I just needed to figure some things out.” She looks at him, noticing the welt on his cheek. His hair isn’t as tightly styled this time and blows around with the warm winds from the ocean.

“Did you?” She asked him seriously, feeling very drawn to know more about him. Perhaps it was because he was the one she’d lost her virginity to, or simply because he was the only boy who had ever paid attention to her. She wanted to know more about him.

“I did,” He nods his head in confirmation, “Turns out I’m really crazy about you.” He said with a grin, showing off his pearly white teeth.

Their second time's a little better, a little rushed but it doesn’t hurt Rosemary nearly as bad. She lets him take her on the hard ground, trusting that he’ll treat her as soft and gentle as he can. She’s still sore afterwards and still can’t understand why everyone wants to have sex. She still doesn’t really feel anything other than a sticky feeling between her legs.

Neil doesn’t avoid her this time around. He comes over more often, speaks to her parents a little more and has loud promises of marrying her and treating her well. She smiles and goes along with it, but deep down she begins to wonder if this is what she really wanted. She would turn sixteen at the end of September and didn’t really know if she was ready to spend the rest of her life with someone at such a young age.

Rosemary had started her period later than most girls that she knew. It had been right before her fifteenth birthday and up until this time, had normally arrived at the same time each month. It was almost two weeks past when she should’ve got it and she was too fearful to admit what that might mean. She decided to wait, hoping that her period would come on her next cycle.

“AnneMarie,” Rosemary turned towards her, “Why did we move?” She was laying in bed with AnneMarie, hoping to pry her from her dungeon of a room. She hadn’t finished school and spent most of her days lying in bed and just staring at the yellow walls.

They’d been close before they moved, but whatever had happened had left AnneMarie a shell of a person that she once was. Sometimes it was like she went days without eating. She was thin and always seemed to be sick. Sometimes Rosemary would just lay in here with her in hopes that AnneMarie might sprout out into her normal self.

“I did something dumb,” She continued to pick and tear at the magazine she was holding. It was an odd habit, but Rosemary was glad it kept AnneMarie from yanking her hair from her scalp. She was beginning to look like she was balding, “You remember Damien?” AnnMarie turned towards her quickly, her eyes wide like she was holding a secret.

“The preacher's son?” Rosemary asked her softly. She knew who Damien was. Whatever had happened between the two of them had been bad enough for them to leave behind everything. Rosemary felt her shoulders sagging as she thought of the many farm animals they’d left behind. She missed Sugar Lips the most.

“I got pregnant,” She said softly, “Mama and Daddy got rid of it.” AnneMarie gulped hard as she tugged a little harder at the magazine paper. The sound echoed in the room as the realization settled onto Rosemary.

“Oh,” Rosemary breathed in deeply, “You mean they.. Oh.” She couldn’t finish her sentence. She knew what an abortion was, but she hadn’t ever known anyone that had gone through with it. She looked at AnneMarie for a moment, thinking that everything suddenly made sense. She’d heard that a lot of women died from them.

“Yeah.” AnneMarie says softly. She drops the magazine and begins to pull at the fingers at her skin again. Rosemary takes a hold of her hand gently, fighting with her for a few minutes before AnneMarie is humming again and ripping at her magazine pages.

“Do you regret it?” Rosemary almost hates to ask as she doesn’t want to upset AnneMarie anymore, but she needs to know. Rosemary is scared suddenly, thinking that she could end up in the same boat as AnneMarie; rotting away in her room.

“I think I would’ve been a good mom,” AnneMarie said at last, “And I didn’t get to make that decision on my own.” She twists the paper up into tiny shapes until Rosemary can no longer see it.

“I’m sorry.” Rosemary said honestly as she leans forward to rest her chin against AnneMarie’s shoulder. She keeps her nose still, even though AnneMarie is starting to sink again. Baths are always a struggle and Rosemary now wonders if it’s because those are usually forced too.

“Why do you ask?” AnneMarie asks, almost in an accusing tone as she stares Rosemary down. Rosemary shakes her head no, trying to play off her worries.

“Just curious,” Rosemary brushed off her question, “I never got a straight answer before.” She tries to defend her curiosity as she buries her fear deep inside of herself. She reminds herself that it’s just her missing her period, nothing else.

“In lack of better terms,” AnneMarie’s grin is full of mischief, “It was my fault.”

///////////////

“We have an issue.” Rosemary spits out as soon as she shuts the door behind her. She knows it won’t be long before Edith, Neil’s mom, walks upstairs and opens it again. Rosemary likes Edith well enough, but her husband was rude.

“Well, come on in,” Neil huffed underneath his breath, “What do you mean we?” He looks up from his textbooks, a new bruise has already formed on the other side of his cheek. She breathed in quickly, feeling so nervous that her heart may stop working.

“I’m pregnant.” She spits it out quickly, but makes sure to keep her voice lowered in case Edith happened to be eavesdropping. She had recently been sporting two black eyes. Rosemary was beginning to fear what kind of families her child would be raised in.

Rosemary didn’t know how to find out if she was really pregnant, but she knew that she was. She still had yet to have a period, her breasts had been sore and felt like they were growing and not to mention the vomiting she’d been experiencing in the mornings.

“What?” Neil’s eyes are wide, horrified as he stared up at her. He drops his pencil and it slowly rolls across his floorboards. Rosemary exhales sharply, feeling a little more irritated than she should.

“There is a baby growing inside of me,” She said slowly, “Your baby. You knocked me up.” She motions between the two of them, hoping that he’ll be able to connect the dots. She was sure that she was clear enough when she told him she was pregnant.

“I understood the first time.” Neil dismisses her, looking a little offended at her tone. She blames it on her jitters but she’s snapping back just as quickly.

“You were the one asking me,” She said back quickly, “What do we do?” She asks him seriously. She doesn’t admit how scared she felt at the moment. AnneMarie’s story terrified her. Trying to find out about any more abortion stories was nearly impossible. It seemed that everyone wanted to keep their experience hidden away, or they were dead. Rosemary was terrified she was going to die.

“You act like I have an answer?” Neil holds his hands together, looking up at her in confusion. She blinked a few times, unsure if she had heard him right. She wouldn’t be going through this pregnancy alone. She was sure that as soon as her parents found out they’d be trying to put her through the same thing they did to AnneMarie.

“Well,” She drew out shortly, “I’m sorry for trying to seek reassurance that you won’t leave me.” She responded as she straightened her shoulders a bit. She held her chin high, waiting for him to accuse her of cheating or being a whore. Neil just stared at her with a slack jaw.

“Shit,” He said after a brief pause, “My old man is going to kill me.” He says instead, bringing no reassurance as he pushes his fingers through his slicked back hair. Rosemary huffed underneath her breath.

“You better be leaving behind a good will then,” Rosemary fires back, “What am I supposed to do?” She asks him seriously, feeling like her world was slowly falling apart around her. Neil shook his head for a moment before he looked at her seriously.

“We’ll figure this out,” He promises her, “Together.”

////////////////

Neil’s father passed away a few weeks later, long before either of them were even ready to announce that they were having a baby. Rosemary was terrified, but thought that perhaps this situation would be a little easier. Neil’s dad scared her.

“He just blew his fucking brains out,” Neil said in disbelief after the funeral, his eyes looking sorrowful as he spoke, “I hope he’s rotting in hell.” All Rosemary could do was rub his back, because she really wasn’t sure what to say to make him feel better.

Despite their complicated relationship, his father had left him everything. Including the house. Once Edith caught wind that Rosemary was pregnant she started searching elsewhere, looking for a new place to live. Rosemary had tried to protest as she would’ve been more than happy to have Edith continue living there. Rosemary’s grandparents had lived with them for the longest time, up until they passed. It was nice to have the extra support with a baby. Edith had only said that she didn’t want to raise another baby.

Rosemary’s parents, as expected, had not been thrilled at all. By the time she announced to them that she was pregnant, she was too far along for them to drag her off and have it secretly removed. Instead, they shunned her. She’d returned home from school one afternoon with all of her things tossed outside the door and the locks changed. They had yet to contact her.

“Are you sure you want to live here?” She asked, feeling like he had become more gloomy the more that they moved their items into the house. He’d lived here his whole life and it was big and spacious. Rosemary thought it would be nice to have a baby here.

“Why wouldn’t we?” Neil grumbled in response. She hadn’t seen him get angry, this had been the closest to it. She wished he’d open up a little more, let her know what he was feeling. She thought that she could help him.

“You’ve just said before that there wasn’t many pleasant memories.” She told him softly. She thought that they could sell the house, find something better. It didn’t really matter to her. Houses were all the same, four walls and a roof.

“We’ll make good memories of our own,” Neil says quickly, “He’s dead anyways. He can’t bother me anymore.” He tried to brush away her worries, but his words only left her with more concern.

Edith left a bunch of things behind, such as the furniture and the appliances. Rosemary didn’t mind, although it did take a long time to rid the house of the stinky cigars that Neil’s father would smoke. She spent most of the nights on her own, up until midnight when Neil would return from work.

It felt weird to have a home and be so young. Rosemary pinned over all the rooms until she finally decided on the perfect one for the nursery. She painted the walls, set up the crib and looked for decorations all on her own. Neil tried to assist but the two of them had very different ideas on what they wanted for their baby. Rosemary thought she should get the deciding factor as she was the one carrying the baby.

“I think I know the gender of our baby.” She said happily one afternoon when they’d both gotten off from school. She rubbed her bump happily, liking the way the baby would kick and flutter around inside. Neil never liked to touch her stomach like that, he claimed that it was odd. Rosemary thought that he was silly and spoiled her baby bump on her own. Occasionally she'd get an elderly woman or a younger child that would ask to touch and she'd always gleefully let them.

“What is it?” He looks over curiously as he scrubbed his dish clean. He was getting ready to head into one of his second jobs, which Rosemary was sure consisted of scraping fish guts off of a boats floor. She’d offered to work but he kept telling her no.

“Oh lord,” Rosemary shook her head, “You can’t call our baby an it.” She told him quickly as she ran her hands up and down her baby bump again. Neil never wanted to talk about names either and had promised that she could have the sole decision. She wasn't sure how to feel about it, but she didn’t protest either.

“I don’t know the gender.” Neil furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as he dried his hands off with a towel. Rosemary sighed, trying not to let his avoidant words disturb her own happiness.

“A boy,” Rosemary said at last, still shaking her head at him, “Look at how high I’m carrying.” She said, making a point to turn around and show her baby bump off again. She could remember her mama talking about those sorts of things when other women would get pregnant in their hometown.

“I think a girl would be easier to care for.” Neil doesn’t look very impressed as his eyes gaze towards her stomach. It’s an odd statement, as she’d always heard that men only wanted sons. She breathed in through her nostrils, still determined to not want Neil to ruin her mood.

“Well,” She smiled brightly as she rubbed her tummy, “I’m supposed to have two boys anyways.” She spills the news, feeling like it was fine to share with him. It was too late for him to run off anyways. She had an engagement ring and his child growing inside of her.

“How could you know that?” Neil scoffs, like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard. She feels her shoulders sag a little bit before she adjusts herself again. She reminds herself to think positive.

“The ring test,” Rosemary sighed again as Neil turned towards her clueless, “You take your wedding ring and loop a piece of hair through it. There’s a certain pattern you follow across your hand and depending on how the ring spins that correlates with the gender. It stops on its own too.” She explained quickly. She didn't have a wedding ring yet, but she didn't think it had to be that precise.

“Right,” Neil snorted softly, “I think we’ll just have to wait until the baby is born.”

/////////////////

“I was hoping I could take my finals a little early,” She approached the principal, feeling shaky as she did so. She didn’t want to repeat her Junior year when she clearly already knew the material, “Or at least be able to do some things from home?” She pondered instead. She was sure that she could do her homework from the house because she was too afraid to leave the baby with someone else.

“We don’t offer homeschooling,” The principal looked up towards her, “It’s a backwards practice.” He tells her, continuing to look down at the papers in front of her. He doesn’t offer her another option, instead he flicks over to the next paper.

“So can I take my tests early?” She asks after a short pause. She raises her eyebrows in confusion, unsure of why the principal was making it so hard to discuss something simple.

“Why?” The principal finally glances up towards her, looking irritated that she had come in here in the first place. Rosemary felt her cheeks burning as the anger began to boil inside of her chest. She thought it was fairly obvious, but perhaps he couldn’t see very well. Or hear any of the rumors.

“Well,” Rosemary couldn’t help herself as she stood and made a point to motion towards her huge pregnancy bump, “I’m afraid I’ll have a baby at that time.” She said a little dryly, making it as obvious as she could. A look of offense crossed the principal's features.

“I suppose that’s a you problem,” The principal smiled towards her as he rested his chin on his fingertips, “You can repeat next year if you return.” The bastard grinned at her, like it was the easiest solution. She felt her heart sinking, knowing she should’ve done better to control her anger.

“There’s only two months left,” Rosemary replied through gritted teeth, “You can’t do that.” She said seriously, feeling like it wasn’t fair that she’d have to redo so much schooling. She could do it at home and do fine, she knows she could.

“We can,” The principal seemed to be growing more bored by the second, “There is no law against it. This baby is yours and only yours. You deal with it.” Rosemary didn’t go back after that. She didn’t see what was so important about finishing until her due date if she was just going to redo the school year anyways.

As she grew closer to her due date, she grew more worried. Neil was finishing school and working two jobs, she was fearful that he wouldn’t be here when she went into labor. She didn’t want to go through it alone, but that seemed to be the route she was going in. Her mother wasn’t speaking to her and AnneMarie had created distance between them. There was Edith, but Rosemary didn’t think that they were that close.

“You’ll hold my hand, won’t you?” Rosemary asked Neil one night as she thought over how painful she’d heard labor could be. She rubbed her hand over her belly again, feeling the way the baby moved against her hand.

“I don’t think you’ll need that,” Neil shrugged her off, always the least keen for intimacy, “You’ll do fine.” She nodded her head, once again confirmed that this baby would only be hers.

1967

“What are you doing?” Neil asked, looking at Rosemary baffled. She knitted her eyebrows together as she looked at him.

“Eating.” She said simply as she dipped the spoon back into a jar of peanut butter. She slowly began to smother it on her chicken tender.

“That looks nasty.” Neil commented, a look of disgust wrinkled across his features as he watched her. She rolled her eyes softly.

“It’s good,” She said simply, “Don’t you have work?” She replied, feeling a little grumpy as she bit into her food. Neil had been irritating her lately. She figured it had to do with the fact that she was due any day. She felt huge and her ankles and feet were now swollen. Not that she could see them anyways.

“Right,” Neil kissed the top of her head, though he was grimacing, “Call my mom if anything happens.” She nods her head in agreement, not wanting to mention that Edith was usually busy at this time of day. Her nerves were high, but she usually diminished them by eating. She was convinced that this baby would be fat. She was huge. Her ankles were constantly swollen, and her belly protruded so much that she felt like a turtle on its back when she had to rise from her seat.

She'd just made her second rounds with the laundry when it happened. She'd felt a movement in her stomach, like the baby had dropped and settled lower. She straightened herself out quickly enough before she felt a gush of liquid dripping down her thighs. She had been horrified at first, fearing that she had suddenly peed herself. It took another second for her to realize that her water broke and another minute for her to clean up the mess and write Neil a quick note.

She didn't have her license, but that didn't stop her from driving Neil's truck to the hospital. They were working on getting another car but figured it would be easier after the baby was born. Neil had been carpooling the past week, saving it for her just to be safe. She was grateful, although by the time she arrived she was a crying mess. She was panicking, sure that she wasn't able to actually do this.

Rosemary forgot all of her worries the moment she held Billy in her arms. She knew instantly that his name was William and that he would be a very special boy. He barely cried, only when he was hungry. He didn’t mind being passed around or held by others. In fact, he seemed to enjoy being snuggled. Rosemary always held him the longest because he really was her baby.

He had a head full of blonde hair, bright blue eyes surrounded by thick eyelashes and the cutest little nose she’d ever seen. His tummy was soft, and round and he always had the tightest grip around her fingers. She didn’t say it out loud to Neil, but she thought Billy looked like a little version of herself. She promised Billy in secret that she’d never let anything bad happen to him.

"He's fat." Neil stated, the first statement to leave his lips once he finally arrived at the hospital. Edith was standing in the room and Rosemary was sure that she was waiting for her turn to hold Billy. Rosemary was being selfish. She had yet to let anyone else hold him. He was just so cute, so warm and soft as she continued to snuggle him to her chest. Rosemary turned to Neil quickly.

"He's not fat," She corrected him quickly, thinking that Billy was the perfect size. He was eight pounds and 20 inches tall. She looked down at Billy again, admiring the way his eyes fluttered underneath his eyelids. She wondered if he was dreaming, "He's perfect." She proclaimed happily.

"You should wake him up," Edith said suddenly, "He's been sleeping for a while. He needs to cry; it'll strengthen his lungs." She seemed adamant with her reasoning, speaking like Rosemary needed to jolt Billy awake at this very moment. Rosemary felt her lips forming into a frown this time as she looked down at Billy. He looked too peaceful to wake. She shook her head, deciding that she'd raise Billy how she wanted to do it.

Neil still worked a lot, but Rosemary didn’t mind. As soon as he dropped her off from the hospital, she took Billy to his nursery and tried on every single one of his outfits that he owned. She knew that he wasn’t a doll, but he looked as cute as one. Some outfits were still far too big, a few of them a little tight around his round tummy. She photographed him in every single outfit, wanting to see how he’d compare in a few months. She took a lot of pictures of him, all the time.

Edith had warned her about holding him too much, but Rosemary couldn’t really see what the issue was. He kept her company while Neil finished school and worked his odd jobs. She’d bounce him in her arms as the radio played on and she’d sing for hours and hours. She thought that maybe if they hadn’t moved, that she would’ve had a chance to become one of those rising stars in Nashville. She thought her voice was good enough.

Well, Billy did for sure. His eyes were always wide and full of interest and adoration when she’d sing to him. She’d sing him anything. From The Beatles to jazz and old country music. She’d always gauge his reaction from the way he wrinkled his nose and how he’d sigh through his nostrils when he was bored. He was an expressive baby, that was for sure.

Nights were the hardest for her. Neil refused to get up when Billy whined and cried, saying that it wasn’t his job because he had to work and finish school. Rosemary never protested because she honestly didn’t know if she trusted Neil to take care of Billy in that way. Majority of the time Billy was just hungry. He ate about every two hours before he’d drift back into sleep. Sometimes she’d fall asleep in the rocking chair in his room.

“Not like that,” She criticized Neil, watching the awkward way he was holding Billy in his arms, “You have to support his neck.” Neil wasn’t interested much in holding Billy, but she’d finally cornered him into it. She didn’t want Billy to not connect with him.

“Well, why can’t he?” Neil had snapped back, looking frustrated as Billy squirmed in his arms. She gave Neil an irritated look, feeling like he was asking a very, very dumb question. She shook her head, trying to calm herself before she spoke up.

“He’s a baby, look,” She told him quickly, beginning to reposition Billy in his arms again. Billy finally settled, stretching his little arms out as he yawned widely after finding a comfortable position in Neil’s arms. Neil’s eyes were wide, his movements stiff as if he was afraid to move while holding him, “You can breathe. He’s not that breakable.” She laughed softly, feeling like it had been their first normal interaction in months.

“You’re a big guy, aren't you?” Neil asked him, a hint of a smile curling on his lips as he rocked Billy back and forth. Rosemary wasn’t sure if he was referencing Billy’s tight grip with his fists or his chubby rolls and tummy. Billy could eat, that was for sure.

“Isn’t he perfect?” She sighed dreamily as she ran her hands through Billy’s soft baby hair. A grin formed on his face, his little body shivering in Neil’s arms from her actions. They both laughed and Rosemary had a feeling everything would be alright from now on.

////////////

“It’s not fair!” AnneMarie was shouting, tears in her eyes as she glared at Rosemary, “I couldn’t keep my baby, but you do? They’ve always favored you.” Rosemary was tired, frustrated from this same old conversation that had been repeated from the past few weeks. She hadn’t been the one to make AnneMarie get an abortion. Her heart hurt for her sister, but it had been her parents that had done it.

She winced as the boiling water splashed against her hand at the same time as she reached to turn the burner off. She sighed, feeling like the house had only grown messier and messier. She wasn’t sure why AnneMarie had come over in such a haste, but it was bad timing. Billy had been teething, crankier than usual as he began to gnaw and chew on everything. Rosemary had been bitten more than once and was beginning to struggle to nurse him because of how sore her breasts had become. Not to mention Neil’s awful mood swings lately. Rosemary felt like she had no rest and was running on fumes. She’d like a break.

“Mama and Papa aren’t speaking to me,” Rosemary said, turning to check on the food while Billy rattled a spoon against a pot and pan. He was growing too fast, already sitting up on his own and babbling little words. Rosemary had pleaded with him to slow down on his growth, but he had only giggled in response as he rolled around in his crib, “No one is favoring anyone.” She reminded her sister sternly.

“I’m four years older; you’re still a child,” AnneMarie walked around the table, gripping Rosemary’s wrists a little too tightly as she looked at her pleadingly, “I could raise him for you.” Rosemary felt as if she had been slapped as she looked into AnnMarie’s green eyes. She froze as she looked down at where her fingers were wrapped around her wrist.

Rosemary had always been honest with AnneMarie. It was a struggle sometimes. She missed school and hated that she had been unable to finish it. She’d asked Neil about going back to finish a few times, but he quickly dismissed her. She knew it would be too hard with Billy being so young. She’d spent her seventeenth birthday with Billy, making her own cupcakes and wondering if her parents were even thinking about her.

“Excuse me?” She asked quietly, her voice coming out in a warning manner. She looked at her sister seriously, hoping that she had only messed up her words. Surely, AnneMarie wasn’t serious. Billy yelled, drawing both of their attention away from each other as he loudly banged the spoon onto the pan. He giggled, looking to Rosemary to wait for her reaction. She smiled, although her heart was racing, and her veins were cold.

“You could finish school and get a nice job. You’re so young,” AnneMarie’s eyes were sorrowful, full of tears as she spoke again, “You can have more children. I can’t.” She spoke bitterly, full of heart as if she was reimagining what had happened to her. Rosemary felt bad, terrible as she took in her sister’s words. She acted as if it was some easy trade.

“No,” Rosemary shook her head, “You’re not thinking straight. You need to go. Right now.” She pulled herself away, quickly scooping Billy up from the floor. He giggled as he held onto her as he tried to fit the wooden spoon into his mouth. He was oblivious to the tension as he rolled his head back to rest on Rosemary’s shoulder. She looked down at him and from this angle she could see the baby teeth that were beginning to protrude.

“I’m begging you,” AnneMarie had tears rolling down her cheeks, “I can care for him better than you ever could.” Rosemary felt a gasp forming in her chest as she stared in disbelief, unsure if AnneMarie had really said that or not. Her words hurt, no matter how badly AnneMarie tried to play them off. Rosemary was doing her best, doing all that she could to make sure that Billy had a happy and safe life.

“Go,” Rosemary told her sternly, holding Billy to her chest, “Now.” She was so angry she felt like she could scream, but she wouldn’t do that in front of Billy. She followed AnneMarie to the door, not caring that she was crying as she slammed the door behind her. She locked it and moved the little table in front of it, just for good measure.

She locked the doors and windows every night after that, even though Neil thought she was silly. It didn’t matter to her. She was terrified to lose Billy, especially to have someone whisk him away from her. He was her baby, and she wouldn’t let anything happen to him.

1968

She had forgotten what they were arguing about, but she was certain it had been something dumb. It was always something dumb anymore. Her and Neil couldn’t agree on anything. He had changed so much since they’d first gotten together. This wasn’t the Neil she knew, the one that she once cared for. She swore she’d never seen him angry before and it was like there was a monster lurking in his place.

The first time he hit her she hadn’t been expecting it. She hadn’t expected Neil to yell at her the first time he’d done so either. Perhaps she just pretended not to see the signs, blurred them for her vision so she could continue to act like they were happy and in love. Although, she wasn’t sure if she had ever loved Neil. They were bound together through Billy, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t make it work.

Her ears rang as her head was knocked in the other direction. Her mind was fuzzy for just a second, just a split second before her fingers were curling into fists. She was blinded by anger as she began to blindly strike at him, smacking and hitting whatever she could get a hold of.

“Don’t you ever touch me like that again!” She was pounding her fists against his shoulders, kicking his shins as he tried to push her away from him, “You bastard! Who do you think you are?” She demanded of him, her cheek burning from where he had slapped her. Her fingers knit into his hair, grabbing it so roughly that he was momentarily distracted from the pain. She took the time to smack him twice across the face, her palms stinging from how harshly their skin had connected.

She yelped as he backhanded her, his fingers gripping her neck tightly as he slammed her against the wall. Her feet dragged against the floor from how rough his movements were, the pictures that she had hung up fell onto the hardwood floor in a loud crash of glass.

“Your husband,” He said harshly as he gripped the base of her throat, “And you better learn to respect me.” His eyes were dilated in fury, his lips curling as if she was the disgusting one. He wagged a finger in front of her and had it not been from his grip on her neck, she was sure she would’ve bit it off.

“I don’t care who you are,” She seethed back, wincing as he slammed her head back against the wall again, “You touch me like that again and I’ll knock your teeth out.” She told him honestly, not caring that he was her husband or twice her size.

It went on for months. He’d scream at her, she’d scream back. He’d hit her, she’d smack him back. It was like he was testing her, seeing how far he could push her until she’d eventually back down. She didn’t. She wasn’t born to feel like she was below him.

She thought that it irritated him that she didn’t fit into the same mold as his friends' wives. She didn’t find the point in making his plate for him, in doing his laundry and waking him up for work. She didn't wear makeup every day or dress herself in heels the way the other housewives would. She thought that if he wanted her to baby him, he could move back in with his mother.

She was sure that in his eyes, she was wild and untamed. She figured he thought that he could fix her, make her see the light. She thought that he was a fool. She didn’t need fixing. She was fine being herself.

It wasn't until he brought up the prospect of leaving her that she really began to switch her attitude. She knew what it meant without him saying anything. He would take Billy from her, and she’d never see him again.

She started behaving more to his standards after that. She woke him up for work, fixed his tie and served him his plate through clenched teeth. Sometimes she'd watch him eat and wondered if he could taste the spit that she'd mixed in with his food. There were many times she thought about punching him in his arrogant face. She wished she could run, but she had nowhere to go.

Her parents hadn’t spoken to her since she’d left. She hadn’t received one letter or phone call, not even a response when she’d written to inform them about Billy’s birth. AnneMarie still wasn’t talking to her, but Rosemary didn’t think she was an option anyways. She still feared that she’d try to run off with Billy. She had no one. She was alone.

So, she sucked it up. The more she listened to Neil, the less likely he was to get angry and the less likely he was to hit her. It wasn’t too bad for a while, he even seemed apologetic without saying so. However, it was hard to keep him happy. If she was acting right, then she wasn’t dressing right. It was like she wasn’t even a person, just something that Neil could bend to his will however he pleased.

Billy seemed to be the only person who understood her, and he could barely speak and was still in diapers. He always held onto Rosemary’s every word, his eyes wide and filled with wonder. She didn’t feel quite so crazy when she was speaking to him.

“Oh, let’s try something new,” Rosemary cooed as Billy grunted from his highchair. She was always impressed with how well he ate, how he was always eager to eat more things, “Are you excited?” She grinned, watching the way he made grabby hands and began to kick his feet back and forth.

Rosemary kept thinking he was getting too big, but when she compared him to other babies, he actually seemed to be fairly small. Neither her nor Neil were very tall. He was about average height and Rosemary was short. It made her wonder how big Billy would be.

“Ah!” He grunted again, kicking his feet a little wilder to gain her attention. She laughed, blowing on the scoop of scrambled eggs one more time before she placed it into his mouth. Right away his face contorted into disgust as he slowly chewed on it. He wiggled his tongue across the roof of his mouth, looking like he couldn’t make sense of the flavor before he began to gag on it.

“Oh boy,” Rosemary watched unsure for a moment, making sure that he wasn’t actually choking as she watched him continue to chew then swallow. He turned towards her, grunting again as he opened his mouth, “Are you sure?” She asked, knowing full well that he couldn’t answer her.

She brought another bite up to his mouth, but it resulted in the same disgusted facial features. Billy gagged again, squinting his eyes together as a new look of revulsion spread across his features.

“Is that a no then?” She asks, a little amused. He quickly shakes his head again before he was leaning in and holding his mouth open wide. Although Rosemary can still see the traces of disgust on his features, “You can say no.” She says slowly as she brings another bite up to his mouth.

His whole body contorts in disgust this time, his blue eyes wide and glossy as he rolls the eggs around in his mouth with his tongue. He gags again, little pieces of egg falling from his lips. He looked miserable. Rosemary dropped the spoon, deciding that eggs were a no go. Despite all of that, Billy opens his mouth again.

“I’ll get you something else,” She told him quickly as he began to whine and groan in protest, acting like he’s starving, "Calm down, silly.” She tries to reassure him. When she finally returns with a thing of baby food, he’s red in the face and squeaking like the piglets she used to raise.

For his first Birthday she’d made him a shark cake. It was slightly messy, and the design was a little off, but Billy had still eaten it through his chubby fists and giggled and gurgled in happiness. He made her feel like everything would be alright. She’d made his present, a blue quilt. It wasn’t in the best shape, but she figured she could make better ones for him when he got older.

“He made a fucking mess.” Neil had commented, noticing the blue icing that was decorated across Billy’s cheeks and through his hair. Rosemary felt proud when she looked at Billy. She had never seen such a happy, grateful baby before. He was always willing to be held by others, even though he always crawled back towards Rosemary in the end. Mama had been his first word, then nana. She hoped Neil realized what that meant.

“He just turned one,” Rosemary had responded with a bright smile through clenched teeth, “Do you always have to be so negative? Can you just try to be happy for once?” She asked, tilting her head as she continued to talk through a sweet tone. Neil’s eyes narrowed but he said nothing, keeping his answer a secret from her.

1969

As Billy grows, so does his energy. Before she knows it, he’s up walking and stumbling throughout the house. He moves a lot and he moves fast, constantly making Rosemary search through the various rooms to figure out where he’d been hiding this time.

Naps became harder and harder to put him down for. It was like he feared that he’d be missing out on something while he slept. He'd cry and whine in protest and if Rosemary ever did succeed in putting him down on his own, he'd end up stumbling out of bed searching for her anyways. Half the time, Rosemary ended up curling up with him on the couch or on her bed and snoozing with him. It was the only time he really napped.

She thought that he was still tinier than most babies his age, but his doctor says he’s growing fine. Billy is perfectly healthy and still the happiest little baby she’s ever met. She likes to pepper kisses all over his cheeks, because it makes him squeal in glee.

Dressing him becomes harder and harder as well. He’s determined that he only ever needs to wear his diaper and he whimpers and cries every time she slides socks and shoes onto him. She eventually gives up with the shoes, figuring that he won’t really be running around in public anyways. Not to mention it gives her easy access to kiss his cute little baby toes. It always makes him giggle loudly too.

Neil remained the same, if not worse. Last week he had humiliated her in a way she’d never been humiliated before. He had forced her over his knee and spanked her the way her daddy used to when she had been bad. She had screamed and cried the whole time and scratched at his leg until she'd drawn blood. She never wanted him to touch her again.

“Maybe,” Rosemary approached Neil, feeling a little nervous to bring the subject up. Her bottom was still sore, “Once Billy can attend school I could go back?” She asked hopefully, still feeling like she wanted to finish her own education. It was important to her.

“Why would you need to finish school?” Neil cocked an eyebrow as she looked towards her. Billy was resting on his lap, his little eyelashes fluttering as he continued to drift in and out of sleep as bedtime quickly approached. Neil’s loose grip on him made her nervous.

“Well, it would keep me busy,” She says in a teasing way, knowing that sometimes Neil accused her of being a busybody, “And it would help me get a good job.” She said at last, knowing that she couldn’t stay in this house forever. Billy would grow up eventually, no matter how badly she wanted him to stay this small.

“You don’t need a job,” Neil looked up at her harshly, “I work, you take care of the boy and the house. That’s the way things should be done. You don’t need to go to fucking school.” Neil shook his head, letting Rosemary know that there would be no more discussion about school. She fell onto the couch, trying to hide her disappointment as she began to sort through the various patterns for her next quilt.

////////////////

Rosemary started doing baking sales and sells cakes for birthday parties to make a little bit of her own money. When people aren’t looking for sweets, she decides to pick up on babysitting the neighborhood kids. She figures it’s not that big of a deal, as she has to watch Billy anyways.

There’s one little girl though, Sally, that Rosemary can’t stand. She tries to be as polite as she can, but every time Sally is over Rosemary feels like she’s lost a year or two of her life. Sally is mean, tells the other kids what to do and throws a tantrum when they don’t listen.

Rosemary particularly doesn’t like how she always tries to make Billy cry. Sally purposely pokes at him until he gets irritated, steals his pacifier and mocks his baby babbles. The last straw was when Rosemary had caught her nudging Billy’s shoulders until he fell over on his bottom. Rosemary could no longer watch her and she hoped that Sally’s family would move far away.

“Little man,” Neil peered down, watching the way Billy was gripping his pant legs and bouncing up and down, “Did you give him sugar?” Neil asked curiously, looking less than amused as Billy began to babble and talk in his shrill baby voice. She grinned, thinking that Billy was adorable.

“No,” Rosemary glanced over from the dinner she was working on, “He doesn’t really like sweets.” She admitted, thinking about the way that his nose would wrinkle up when she’d give him bits of icing. He seemed to prefer savory foods. Though, she had found out that he did enjoy pies.

“Why’s he so hyper?” Neil asked, bending over to pick Billy up. He held him in his arms, watching as Billy continued to bounce in his hands. Rosemary thought that Neil must be fairly dumb to not notice that Billy acted that way all the time. He was a ball of energy, there was no stopping it.

“I guess he’s just excited to see you,” Rosemary said casually, “That makes someone.” She mumbled underneath her breath, wondering who she had to ask to make Neil disappear forever.

They get married that Winter, although she’s not as excited as she should be. She knows this means that she’ll be stuck to Neil forever, but she decides it’s better for Billy. Her dress is simple, a little too long for her but it works. It has short sleeves and a lace bodice and is just a little too baggy for her petite frame.

“Oh my,” She grins as she bends over to hold one of Billy’s chunky fists, “Don’t you look so handsome?” He’s in his own little suit and keeps wrinkling his nose as he wiggles around in it. He’d taken off his jacket a handful of times, but Neil and Edith had put it on each time. Rosemary was sure that Billy was moments away from stripping down completely.

“Mama!” He grins wildly, “Pwetty.” He says with a joyous grin as he pokes his little finger against the sunflower that’s pinned onto her dress. She smiles as she kisses the top of his head, happy that she’d at least have him.

“He looks a lot like Neil.” Edith says. Rosemary tries to keep from expressing her discomfort. She thinks that Billy looks like her, no matter what anyone else says. He’ll act like her too. She’s sure of it.

1970

“Arnica oil,” Rosemary looked over surprised, taken aback by the soft voice that spoke up, “To help with that bruise.” The woman spoke up, a tired look in her eyes as she held onto a little girl's hand. Billy dipped behind Rosemary’s legs, hiding his head behind her skirt.

“Oh,” Rosemary said softly, moving her hand up towards her cheek. She felt embarrassed for a moment, thinking that she had covered it fairly well, “Thank you.” For some reason she couldn’t find it in her to snap at the redhead. She had on a hospital uniform, telling Rosemary that she had seen worse things than bruises.

“Mhm,” She bent down, scanning the lower shelves. Billy dipped his head from behind Rosemary’s legs, looking over with interest at the little girl that stood next to the woman. She had the same red hair and brown eyes, “It’ll take care of the swelling.” She explained as she scanned for the cheapest food items.

“Mommy,” The little girl tugged on the other woman’s arm, a bashful expression on her features as she pointed, “Please?” She asked softly, referencing the box of cookies. Rosemary felt a smile curling onto her lips as she was momentarily reminded of how badly she wanted a daughter at one point. She glanced back towards Billy, noticing the curious look in his eyes.

“You and your sweets,” The woman said with a smile, brushing her nose against the little girls, “Your teeth are going to fall out.” She teased her gently, but neglected to actually grab the cookies. Rosemary watched how the little girls eyes grew into saucers.

“Ouch,” Billy commented, looking up at Rosemary, “Me too?” He asked curiously, opening his mouth wide so he could show off his pearly teeth. She laughed, feeling it rumble deep inside of her chest. Billy always managed to make her feel better somehow.

“I think your teeth are fine,” She ran a hand through his hair, shaking it softly to earn a giggle from him, “We better go. Thank you again.” She nodded her head towards the woman, noticing how she had swooped the little girl into her arms. She waved towards Rosemary, her lips bending into a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.

“Bye!” Billy exclaimed happily, tugging on Rosemary’s arm before he let out a shriek giggle. The little girl smiled before she quickly wrapped her arms around her mother and buried her face in the crook of her mother’s neck.

“You’re silly,” Rosemary says as they leave, noticing the way he keeps glancing over her shoulder, “I guess we need to find you a friend.” She says softly, thinking that he really didn’t interact with other children that much.

/////////////

“He needs a haircut.” Neil said bitterly over dinner one night. Rosemary paused from watching the way Billy was struggling with his little baby utensils. He had eventually given up, opting to use his little fists to eat his gumbo instead.

“Why?” Rosemary asked seriously as she turned to look at Billy again. He had thick hair, but in her opinion it wasn’t that long at all. Billy noticed her looking at him and quickly smiled towards her, showing off his pretty baby teeth.

“Because it’s too fucking long,” Neil snapped back, “Look at it.” He motioned towards Billy. Billy giggled, clearly thinking that Neil was playing about something. Rosemary pressed her fingertips across the bridge of her nose.

“It’s fine,” She shook her head in disbelief as she ran her fingers through Billy’s curls. It just barely touched the nape of his neck, “It doesn’t have to be cropped.” She told him quickly, watching the way Billy looked up at her with an amused expression.

“He looks like a girl.” Neil said sternly, voicing his disapproval as he always did. Rosemary sighed softly, feeling like Neil was complaining because Billy looked like her.

“He does not,” Rosemary said quickly. She’d never mentioned it to Neil before, but Billy has been mistaken as a girl quite a bit as a baby. He was just too cute with his little button nose and thick eyelashes, “It’s just hair, Neil.” She reminded him, feeling like it was silly to think that hair should be gendered. She wondered if Neil had ever seen the pictures that had Jesus with long hair.

“I no girl.” Billy caught on a second later, furrowing his darker eyebrows together. He glanced at both of his parents for just a second before he dove back into his food. Neil shot her an angry look and she waited, expecting him to start into his rant on how she’d be confusing Billy. He’d been saying that a lot recently and she couldn’t understand why.

///////////////

“What do you want to do today?” She asked Billy, liking the way his blue eyes shined every time she woke him up in the morning. He tilted his head, a playful expression on his features as he crawled out of his bed.

“The beach!” He responded loudly, cheerily as he hopped over her lap, “Please!” He begged cupping her face in his hands as he blew air into his cheeks to make them stick out. She laughed, rubbing his back softly. She didn’t know how she’d ever be able to say no to that cute little face.

“Of course we can go to the beach,” She said as she scooped him into her arms, “We have to be careful though.” She told him, lowering her voice so she sounded a little more serious. Billy stopped wiggling in her arms, sitting still on her lap so he could listen to her.

“Why?” He asked, his voice coming out hushed as his blue eyes grew wide with worry and wonder. His lips parted as he nudged her from impatience, waiting for her to share her secrets with him.

“Because those sharks might get you!” She exclaimed, beginning to attack his sides with her fingers. He giggled, wiggling on the bed as he kicked his little feet up into the air. She laughed to herself, enjoying the way he squealed with joy.

“No!” He squeaked out happily, “No sharks!” He continued to giggle underneath her grasp. His eyes were squinted and his cheeks were a soft red. She grinned as she slowly released her grip, memorizing the way his little nose would scrunch up in delight.

Billy always enjoyed sitting near and watching the surfers. She was slowly getting him more accustomed to learning how to swim with the waves of the ocean. He was always happy, even if he got sprayed with salt water. She’d thought about signing him up for lessons, but was still worried about how small he was.

When they return home she gives him a quick bath, although she’s sure that Billy could spend the rest of the afternoon in the tub. It takes some persuading once he’s dried off for him to actually get dressed, but he eventually does. He still hates to wear socks.

“Here,” She hands him the whisk, “Mix that together while I get the frosting started.” She told him quickly, watching the way he was awkwardly holding the whisk in his fist. He moved it around roughly, wrinkling his nose as part of the cake mix splashed outside of the bowl.

“Wow,” Billy said in amazement, his eyes wide as he watched the cake rise in the oven, “Cool!” He tells her proudly with a big smile. He continues to sit in front of the oven as he plays with some of the clean dishes from the drawers. She doesn’t mind, but she knows he’ll have to put it up before Neil gets back. It irritates Neil when Billy is in the kitchen.

“He’s too damn attached,” Neil criticizes her one afternoon, “He’s going to end up confused being around you all the time.” He tells her pointedly. She looks up from the floor, holding one of the many toy cars that Billy had. She didn’t mind playing with Billy, because she had nothing else to do. Billy mimics the sound of an engine as he drives one of the toy cars across her arm.

“Alright,” Rosemary said bitterly, “How about I go back to school and start working then while you stay here and watch Billy?” Neil leans forward and backhands her without answering her question.

The next day Rosemary waits until it’s eleven to clean up the table. Neil never came home after work and she did her best not to panic. She’d spent many nights wishing that he would disappear, but feared to know what that really meant. She didn’t know any place that would hire her. She’d dropped out her sophomore year of school.

“Mommy?” Billy questions as his tiny feet patter into the living room. His hair was untidy as he wiped his little fists across his eyes, “You no sleepy?” He looked at her confused as he clambered onto her lap. She adjusted a bit to pull the quilt over the two of them on the couch.

“Just a bit,” She tells him softly as she presses her cheek against him and rocks him back and forth, “Why aren’t you in bed?” She asks him softly. He snuggles a little closer to her before he rubs his little nose across her shoulder.

“I miss daddy.” Billy admits after a second as he moves the quilt up higher over his chest. He wiggles his little nose as Rosemary continues to fiddle with his hair.

“Oh you do?” She asks him gently, “Well I’m sure he’ll be home soon.” She reassured him, unsure of what Neil would be doing out this late at night. She was sure if something was wrong, she would’ve received a phone call by now. He was out on purpose. She drifts off with Billy not long after, holding his little body close to her chest.

“You didn’t come home last night,” Rosemary tells Neil softly the next morning, “I wonder why that is.” She says slowly, already knowing the answer. She had marks on his neck that weren’t from her. She hadn’t touched Neil in the longest time so she certainly didn’t give him that giddy expression.

“Does it fucking matter?” He snaps as he folds up his newspaper again. Billy’s head shoots up from the sharp tone. Rosemary breathes in deeply, usually not liking Billy to see them fight but she felt so upset to even care at the moment.

“It does,” Rosemary suddenly feels angry, “What did you do?” She asks him between clenched teeth. He stares at her blankly, keeping eye contact the whole time as he slowly unwraps the newspaper again. He says nothing as he begins to read from it.

//////////////////

When Billy is three Rosemary decides it’s time for him to dip his toes into school. She decides that summer school might be better, thinking that it wouldn’t keep him away from her for as long. He only has to go four days a week, she tries to assure herself that it will be fine.

“It’s just school, sunshine,” She told him gently, bending over so she could look at him clearly, “You’re going to have so much fun.” She tried to reassure him, but it was clear he wasn’t listening by the deep way he inhaled and continued to cry.

“Yeah,” He cried out pitifully, “With you.” He’s reaching forward again, holding onto her tightly as he sobs into her chest. Her heart aches, breaking at each little whimper that leaves his mouth. She doesn’t want to leave Billy behind, would rather have him around her all day. She knows she can’t do that forever, that he’ll eventually need to go to school. She figures it really is better that he starts early to adjust.

“With kids your age,” She corrects him, although she’s blinking tears from her own eyes, “And then I’ll see you in a few hours. You won’t even notice.” She tries to brush it off, although she’s half tempted to wait in the school parking lot until it’s time to get him.

“Mommy, no,” Billy sobbed as he wiped his small palms across his eyes. His cheeks were red, and tear stained as he hiccupped, “Don’t wanna.” He whined, holding onto her a little tighter. She inhaled sharply, thinking that it really would be okay for him to wait another year or two.

“Who you?” A little girl approached. She looked at Billy curiously, tilting her head. Her red hair was pulled back into two ponytails. She’s lankier than him and stands a little taller although something tells Rosemary that she’s younger. Billy suddenly shrinks away.

“This is Billy,” Rosemary introduced him, watching the way he shyly hid his face in her chest, “What’s your name?” She asked softly, trying to adjust Billy so he could view the little girl. He groans and buries his face deeper instead.

She pauses dramatically before she speaks loudly, “Kimbww-,” She stumbles for a minute, wrinkling her features into a deep thought before she speaks again, “Kim Wose!” She decides on as she sways her arms back and forth.

“Hear that, Billy?” Rosemary jolts him gently, trying to shake him out of his shell, “Her name is Kim.” She tells him, speaking full of excitement. She’s hoping that the prospect of making a new friend may stir him from his burrow.

“So?” He grumbles out, looking irritated as he hides his face again, He hides his face deeper in her chest, groaning to himself between his little sniffles. She pulls him back a little more seriously this time.

“Hey,” She tells him softly, “That wasn’t very nice.” She tells him a little sternly. His little lip pouts out as he nods his head, his blue eyes flashing full of sorrow. She wraps him up a little tighter, always feeling bad when she has to correct his behavior.

“Hi.” Billy says dramatically as he begins to cry again. He sobs, his shoulders shaking as he holds onto Rosemary. She pats his back softly, watching as Kim slowly inches herself closer. She pulls her thumb from her mouth.

“Why sad?” She walks up to Rosemary’s crossed legs, tilting her head in confusion as she watches Billy. Rosemary watches her for a moment, thinking that she looks a little familiar. She wonders if she’s ever baked for her family before.

“My mommy go bye bye.” Billy says dramatically again, his blue eyes bright from the tears in his eyes. He sniffles harshly as he finally sits up, allowing himself to look at Kim. Her eyes widen with understanding.

“It okay!” Kim wiggles into their personal space, joining Billy on Rosemary’s other knee. She’s surprised for a second before she lets her other hand rest against Kim’s back, “It fun hewe!” Kim clasps her little hands between her legs as she speaks, smiling brightly. Her cheeks are covered in dark pink freckles and she has a little dimple on her cheek when she smiles.

“See,” Rosemary smiled towards Billy, “She has lots of fun.” She tries to assure him. Billy grumbles as he shrugs his shoulders, still staring down at the ground. Kim reaches forward to cup his face with her hands.

“Do you play?” She asks Billy with wide eyes, her expression filled with joy. Rosemary begins to wonder if Kim was an only child too as it was fairly clear that she had no idea how to handle personal space.

“Yeah,” Billy looked a little stunned as he glanced towards Rosemary with wide eyes. He looked like he was unsure of how to handle Kim’s forwardness either, “I like to play.” He confirms with a nod of his head. Kim squealed, quickly moving to tug at Billy’s little arms.

Billy shoots one last look towards Rosemary but she just waves at him, knowing that he really will be okay once he gets in there. Still, she feels like she’s missing out on precious time with him as Billy slowly turns away. Rosemary stands and follows at a safe distance, making sure that Billy won’t make a mad dash back to her.

She watches as Kim tugs him along. Rosemary smiles, thinking that the difference between the two is cute. Kim is lanky and a few inches taller. Billy is stockier, a little shorter as she pulls him towards one of the round tables in the back of the room. Rosemary watches for another moment, making sure that he’s settled before she quietly slips out of the room.

Rosemary waits at the end of the steps, her fingertips digging into her palm while she waits for Billy to get out. She feels her heart beating in anticipation when a little crowd of bodies slowly makes their way out the door.

“Mommy!” Billy shouts, rushing forward as he holds his arms out wide. He bursts into tears again as he clings to her. She feels her heart drop as she rocks him back and forth, before she finds a spot on a bench.

“Oh my,” She grins as she kisses the top of his head, “I missed you two, sunshine. Did you have a good day?” She asks him in hopes that he didn’t spend all day crying. His cheeks are pink and wet again as he quickly nods his head. He doesn’t get a chance to respond before he’s interrupted.

“Hi!” Kim exclaims again as she crawls into Rosemary’s lap for the second time that day, “You pwetty.” She says suddenly, surprising Rosemary as Kim’s baby hands press up against her cheeks. Rosemary blinks, not used to having another toddler be so affectionate with her.

“Oh, thank you,” Rosemary smiles as she holds onto the both of them, “Are you going home?” She asks curiously, wondering where her parents might be. The line of kids have slowly dwindled until they’re the only ones remaining. Rosemary doesn’t really feel safe leaving Kim on her own.

“I wait,” Kim is clambering around, “No one’s hewe yet!” She says dramatically as she holds her palms against her face and drops her jaw dramatically. Billy giggles at her gestures.

“We can wait with you,” Rosemary nods her head, feeling bad that Kim may have to sit by herself, “Don’t you think, Billy?” She asks, hoping that it won’t be too long. Neil will be mad if they’re late and she doesn’t have dinner ready.

“Yeah,” Billy smiled big as he nodded his head, “We will wait!” He says in determination as they two of them begin to play again. Kim makes Rosemary slightly nervous by the way she crawls and clambers over different objects. Rosemary keeps glancing at the building, wondering when her parents will be here.

Kim wraps her little arms around Rosemary’s elbow before she leans forward to press her soft cheek against Rosemary’s shoulder. Rosemary smiles softly, looking at her curiously. Billy follows Kim’s lead and begins to rub his cheek against Rosemary’s skin.

“Are your parents coming?” She asked, then was unsure if Kim had heard that word before, “Does your mommy or daddy get you?” She asks instead, watching the way Kim’s hazel eyes brightened.

“Nana!” Kim proclaims proudly, smiling before she looks around. Rosemary followed her suit, unsure of what Rosemary would do if Kim’s grandma didn’t show up. Rosemary lets Kim lift her arm up in the air before she’s spinning underneath her hand.

“Me too!” Billy shouts happily, “I have a nana!” He rushes over to Kim again, bouncing in excitement. Rosemary glances around, feeling nervous as the time begins to grow later and later.

Kim’s grandma finally arrives about fifteen minutes later and Rosemary wonders if she should remind her that their school had been out for nearly an hour at this point. Her grandma’s hair was pulled back tightly with tight lines across her features. She looked irritated and wore a long sleeved black dress and skirt despite the heat.

“You know I watch kids sometimes,” Rosemary started to say as her grandmother helped Kim pack up her things, which wasn’t a lot, “I wouldn’t mind watching Kim every so often. She’s really sweet.” Rosemary offers, thinking that it wouldn’t be bad to watch her. She was certainly better than most of the kids she watched, not nearly as snotty.

“She’s a snoop is what she is,” The woman muttered, “Always getting into everything.” She shook her head in disbelief, like she was irritated with something Kim had done. Rosemary was a little stunned from how sharp her tone was. Suddenly, Kim’s attachment made sense.

“Kids are like that,” Rosemary pauses for a moment, “You know on weekends or whatever. She could stop by. Does she come here all the time?” She pries a little further. She thinks that it would be good for Kim to venture out with other people. Rosemary doesn’t like how rigid her grandma seems to be.

“If only,” The woman snorts, “This is the third place her father has put her in. He can’t ever remember to actually take her.” She rolls her eyes, speaking with disdain as she reference’s Kim’s father.

“Oh,” Rosemary pauses again, “So would you like my address or telephone number?” She asks again, watching as Billy and Kim continue to chase themselves around the two adults. Kim’s grandmother snaps roughly and loudly, making Kim stop

“That won’t be necessary,” The woman brushes Rosemary off, “I wouldn’t want to put that burden on you.” She shakes her head before she roughly pats the back of Kim’s shoulders and makes her walk forward. Kim pouts her lips out as she looks back at them and Rosemary sends her a gentle wave, feeling bad for her.

Kim never comes over, despite Rosemary suggesting it a few more times to her grandmother. The days Kim comes are actually very vague and by the end of the summer she’s no longer there.

///////////////

“Oh, how handsome,” Rosemary gushed as she pinched and poked at Billy’s cheeks, “You look like a little officer.” She told him seriously. She’d found a simple white buttoned up shirt for him, though she was beginning to wonder if it would be safe. Billy tended to be a messy eater. She’d fastened him a little tie, but Billy kept messing with that too. She’d felt quite proud of the little badge she had made for him. It looked similar to Neil’s.

“Just like daddy!” Billy responded, a proud look written across his features. He wiggles his arms back and forth as he looks around, looking quite excited to join Neil today.

“He would look better with a haircut.” Neil grumbles as he slams his coffee cup into the sink. Rosemary sighs deeply, watching as Neil crossed the room to pick up his jacket and things. Billy bounced in his spot, looking like he was about ready to launch into the sky.

“He looks fine,” Rosemary stood, feeling a little nervous at the thought of Billy being alone with Neil for a whole afternoon, “Are you sure you don’t want me to come?” She asked again, unsure if Neil would be patient enough to deal with Billy on his own. She hoped that he would be, but she was unsure.

“It’s bring your kid to work day, not your wife.” Neil scoffed, like her offer was completely ridiculous. Rosemary frowns towards him, hating the way he’d sometimes treat her like she was stupid.

“Yeah, but what if he gets tired or needs something?” She asks him slowly as she runs her nails gently through Billy’s pretty locks. Billy looks up at her, his eyes full of excitement. She bent over low enough to kiss his smooth forehead.

“Are you saying I can’t take care of my son?” Neil accused her, looking angry as he spoke through gritted teeth. She shook her head, feeling like Neil was trying to pick a fight out of nothing.

“He’s used to me.” She said softly, unsure if she was saying the right thing or not. She didn’t want Neil to lash out at her, but she was speaking the truth. She couldn’t help but worry that Billy would be away from her for so long.

“Too used to you,” Neil muttered in annoyance, “He’ll end up a little bitch too.” He said simply before he scooped Billy into his arms and left through the door. Rosemary felt dread filling her chest as she watched the two of them leave.

She was staring at the boiling water when the front door opened. She snapped her head around, ready to greet Billy when he came at her full force. He had discarded his tie and unbuttoned his shirt, his cheeks were red and his eyes puffy from crying.

“What’s wrong?” She asked as she scooped him up, rocking him back and forth as he settled into her arms through soft cries. Neil came in a second later, slamming the door behind him. He glanced up at her.

“He got spanked,” He said simply as he hung up his work jacket, “He’s a damn brat.” Neil said gruffly as Billy started to cry a little harder. Rosemary looked at him horrified.

“Why would you spank him?” Rosemary demanded, feeling furious as the water began to boil over onto the oven. She cursed as she quickly shut it off, not caring if dinner got finished tonight.

“I told him to sit still, and he wouldn’t listen,” Neil said simply with a shrug of his shoulders, “He’ll listen now.” Neil said harshly as he began to open the fridge and pull out a gallon of milk. Billy wiped at his eyes again, hiccupping from how hard he’d been crying.

“You ass.” Rosemary cursed at him, feeling furious for the way he’d made Billy cry. She was mad at herself too. She knew that Neil wouldn’t be able to handle Billy and she still let him take Billy alone. She felt dumb as she realized that Neil wouldn’t be able to ever handle Billy on his own.

1971

“Your mom brought these over,” Rosemary begins to show the ceramic plate off to Neil, “She said it was her great-great grandmother’s set.” She observes it, happy that her relationship with his mother only seemed to be getting better. The set really was pretty. It was a full set of plates, bowls and cups.

Neil nods, his eyebrows flickering up a little in irritation as Billy begins to smack his palms against the table. He giggles in joy, looking happy at the sounds that he’s producing. Rosemary smiles, wondering if Billy would grow up liking music too.

“That’s enough of that,” Neil says quickly, making Billy pause his movements. His tone is a little sterner, more rough. Billy looks alarmed as he looks over towards Rosemary, his bottom lip beginning to tremble. She smiles brightly, hoping to calm his little nerves, “Nice dishes.” Neil dismisses Rosemary, clearly not interested in anything she had to say.

She sighs as she moves back behind the couch, deciding she’d put it all away on her own. She meets Billy’s eye again, motioning towards Neil as she knits her face up in a funny way to mock Neil. Billy giggles, looking happy again as he smacks his palms down against the table.

Rosemary doesn’t know it’s happening until it’s too late. Billy is still smacking his palms against the table, trying to mirror the beat from the music on the radio. He’s giggling one second, a smile plastered on his lips and in the next second he’s on the ground screaming with a reddened cheek.

She reacted on instinct, flames boiling deep inside of her as she swung the plate down upon Neil’s face. It broke into small little pieces, cutting deep across his face as the ceramic pieces went flying everywhere. She’s surprised by her actions, so she knows that Neil is as well. It takes him a second to react before he’s on his feet and gripping her throat so tightly she can barely breathe.

“Don’t you ever touch him like that!” She’s screaming, clawing and kicking at him as he’s roughly shaking her like a rag doll. She’s full of rage and anger, unable to control herself. She didn’t care how many times Neil hit her, but he wouldn’t hit Billy. She wouldn’t let him.

“You crazy bitch,” Neil seethes out as Billy screams in the background. She’s still smacking at his face, smearing his blood across his cheeks and her hands, “You’ve lost your mind.” He tells her before he punches her in the face. She falls clear back, her bottom sliding against the floor as she grips her nose. She’s bleeding as she stared up at him, unable to move as Neil grips her hair tightly. He earns a scream from her as he yanks her onto her knees and smacks her across each cheek until her face is burning and red.

He leaves her there on the floor, but not before kicking her a few times and shouting a few more curses towards her. She expects him to go to the room, but he leaves the house completely. She breaths in harshly, her ribs aching as she crawls towards where Billy is still crying on the ground.

“It’s okay,” Rosemary tries to reassure Billy, her hands shaking as she rocks him back and forth. He’s whimpering and crying into her chest. She feels terrible, knowing that this was something she never wanted Billy to witness. She feels warm, fat tears beginning to slide down her own cheeks as if she’s failed him somehow, “I’m so sorry.” She apologizes quickly, although she knows that she wasn’t responsible for what Neil did. She feels like Billy needs to hear it regardless.

“Owie,” He whines into her chest, his little shoulders sagging from how harshly he’s breathing. She continues to rock him back and forth, her tears painting her cheeks as she tried to hide her own sobs, “He’s mean.” Billy whimpered softly.

Rosemary pulled him away gently, holding onto his chin as she looked over his cheek. It was still red and she feared that it would bruise. She was filled with a fresh wave of anger and thought about breaking the rest of the dishes against Neil’s face.

Neil remained gone for the next three days and Rosemary was more than happy with that. She kept Billy home with her and had him help her while she worked on a cupcake order for an upcoming birthday party. She kept Billy close to her, worried that something else would happen. Neil seemed unreadable.

On the fourth night he strolled in, past dinner and when Billy was already tucked into bed. Rosemary said nothing as she continued to scrub at the dishes in the sink. She barely acknowledged him because she feared she’d only end up making him more angry.

“Can we talk?” Neil approached after she scrubbed her hands dry with the kitchen towel. She breathed in deeply through her nose and closed her eyes, trying to calm her beating heart. She turned slowly, making sure that he looked at the fresh bruises on her face.

“Why?” She asked him seriously, feeling like there was nothing to say. He’d never change. He’d always be grumpy and quick to anger. There was nothing to discuss, she’d just have to live with it.

“I’ve been a real ass lately,” Neil told her gently. She stared at the cuts on his face, wishing she’d hit him deeper, “I want to apologize.” He told her, surprising her a little bit. She crossed her arms, waiting for him to continue. He stayed silent, as if that was somehow enough. She kept her scoff to herself.

“Is that all?” She asked dryly as she lightly dug her nails into her skin. She was bracing for him to backhand her, but he caught her off guard by staying still. She stared for the longest time, sure that he was just testing her.

“There’s something else,” Neil says slowly, “A few months ago, I was unfaithful. I slept with someone else.” He admitted what she had already known. She felt her eyes narrowing.

“Who?” She asked quietly, although she really didn’t care about the phantom woman. Part of her had hoped that she would return and whisk Neil off so Rosemary could live with Billy on her own.

“I don’t know,” Neil answers quickly and Rosemary can tell by the look on his features that he’s being honest, “Her name was Susan. She’s married too and has a kid Billy’s age. That’s all I know.” He told her honestly, taking a step forward to gently cup her shoulders. She winced, not expecting him to touch her so gently.

“What do you want me to do about it?” She asked him harshly, making sure to keep herself at a safe distance from him. She knew he wanted her to forgive him, but she wasn’t sure she could do it so easily. Especially after how he’d treated Billy.

“I want to make things right.” He looked down at her, trying to give her a reassuring look. She looked away from him, not liking how it seemed like he was trying to pressure her into making a decision.

“You’re a bastard,” She say at last as the fury fills her, “I don’t give a fuck where you’ve put your dick. I do, however, care about how you treat me and more importantly how you treat our son.” She pushes his hands away from her roughly, enough to make him stumble back a few steps. Neil looks towards her surprised.

“I’m sorry.” He says earnestly, tilting his head as he looks at her pitifully. She feels her nose wiggle up in protest as it takes everything in her to keep from throwing her fists at him.

“You hit him,” She says angrily, “Just because your dad hit you doesn’t give you the right to do the same to him.” She snaps at him, knowing she hit a sore spot by the way his features fall. She doesn’t care. She thinks Neil needs to think about that more. To realize who he’s becoming.

“I’m trying,” He said urgently, “I just don’t always know how to control my anger. You don’t know what he did to me.” He tries to explain, as if that was a reason for taking his anger out on her and Billy.

“Let me be really blunt,” She told him slowly, “I don’t care what your father did to you. Whatever he did, that’s in the past. I didn’t do it to you and Billy sure as hell didn’t do it either. You won’t touch him like that again.” She warned him, keeping her tone as serious and stern as she could manage. She held on fist behind her back, afraid that he would notice just how badly she was shaking.

The next few weeks are a little better. It takes some time for Rosemary and Billy to warm up to Neil again, but Neil makes it surprisingly easy. He’s kinder than usual, softer. He always brings Rosemary flowers and Billy new cars and trucks.

“Do you wanna try some?” Neil offers him, holding the coffee cup out as he notices Billy’s curious eyes. Billy glances towards Rosemary before he looks towards Neil again.

“It hot?” He asks as he tilts his head. He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table as he tries to get a better look at the liquid in the mug. Rosemary feels her eyebrows raising on her forehead, unsure if caffeine is the best thing for Billy.

Neil blows on it for a minute, “All better now,” He holds the coffee cup gently, letting Billy tilt it towards his lips. Billy’s eyes widened as the bitter liquid hit his mouth, his eyes squinting shut as disgusted wiped across his features, “What do you think?” Neil laughed, watching as Billy quickly sat down.

“Mhm,” Billy nodded his head, one of his eyes still twitching as he neatly clasped his hands together on the table. He gulped harshly, his whole-body shivering for a moment, “Tasty.” He spit out, his eyebrows knitted together. Rosemary laughed, watching as he rubbed his tongue across his teeth.

“Do you want some more?” Neil teased him, watching the way Billy’s blue eyes widened. Rosemary found herself giggling as Neil pushed the cup back towards Billy and Billy covered his hand over his lips.

“No, no,” Billy held another hand up, “I okay.” He shakes his head as he dismisses Neil completely. Rosemary and Neil both laugh this time.

/////////////////////////

Neil is gripping her waist, pulling her closer as his lips linger against her neck. He’s just about to fully kiss her skin when banging on the door sends them both jumping. It takes everything inside of Rosemary to keep from laughing.

“Billy!” Neil shouts loudly, though he has a hint of a smile on his lips, “Go to bed.” He says quickly, still holding a determined look in his eyes. The knocking doesn’t seize, rather it grows louder.

“No!” Billy protests from beyond the door, “I want my mommy!” He shouts loudly, sounding furious. Rosemary bites her lip, sending Neil a sheepish smile. Billy doesn’t usually behave this way, so she’s sure that he noticed the rushed way she tried to lay him down.

“It won’t take me long to put him back to bed,” She tells Neil quickly as she adjusts her robe around herself again. She ties it tightly before she opens the door and is immediately greeted by Billy flinging himself at her legs. She laughs as she bends over, picking up the chunky toddler and giving him a big kiss against his cheek.

“You’re too old for this, boy.” Neil tells him blankly, looking less than amused by the whole situation. Billy’s eyebrows knit tightly together in frustration as he absorbs Neil’s statement.

“I no old!” Billy protests, looking towards Rosemary in disbelief, “I baby!” Billy motions towards himself, his jaw going slack like he can’t believe what Neil just said. Rosemary just giggles as she kisses Billy’s cheek repeatedly, wondering why he’d grown so sassy all of a sudden.

“You’re not a baby.” Neil grumbles out as he sits down on the edge of the bed. Rosemary makes a face at him, trying not to roll her eyes. She’s surprised that Neil doesn’t look angry, he looks more amused than anything. Billy’s blue eyes are wide as he glances towards Rosemary in horror, his lips parted wide.

“I-” Rosemary quickly covers Billy’s mouth with her palm before the two of them continue to argue. Billy mumbles against her hand, his little feet kicking as he continues to defend himself. She laughs as she turns his face towards her and gently shakes her head, letting him know that it’ll be alright.

“He’s four,” Rosemary says gently when she finally releases her hand from Billy’s mouth, “I’ll be back in just a minute.” She rubs Billy’s back, smiling as he rests his soft cheek against her shoulder. He snuggles up to her, his body warming hers as she takes him back down the hallway.

She gently laid Billy back into his bed, watching the way that he sprawled out on his light blue sheets. He wiggled around for a moment, trying to get comfortable as he stared up at her with soft eyes. She thought that they looked more like hers than Neil’s. She bent over to kiss his forehead, smiling while he giggled as her hair cascaded around him.

“Better?” She asks as she tucks him into his bed. He looks up at her with wide blue eyes, smiling brightly as he nods his little head. She holds her fingers against his, wishing she could keep him this tiny forever. Neil had cruelly reminded her that her boy was growing far faster than what she was ready for.

“Yeah,” He says softly as he pulls a teddy bear to his chest, “You stay?” He asked softly, tilting his head as he waited for her to answer. She felt her lips curling into a smile as she continued to smooth the blankets over his chest.

“Sunshine,” She draws out slowly, “I need to go to bed too. I’ll see you in the morning.” She promises him as she looks up to meet his eyes again. He has a little pout on his lips, like he hadn’t expected her to say that. The look sends a shot of guilt through her chest.

“Promise?” He asks her gently, his eyes looking even softer as he speaks. She nods her head, although she has an urge to crawl into his bed and spend the night in here instead.

“I promise,” She genuinely tells him, “First thing in the morning.” He nods his head slowly at her words as he sinks back down against his pillow, pulling the blankets up over his arms. She kisses his soft cheek gently as she brushes the blonde curls from his forehead. She lingers for just a moment, feeling like she’ll miss him just as much as he misses her.

She hums softly to him, singing the same song to him every night, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” She sings softly as she brushes the blonde curls off of his forehead, “You make me happy, when skies are gray.” She brushes her fingertips gently down his forehead, then down the side of his cheeks.

His eyelids slowly begin to droop as he watches her, and he adjusts in a way that pulls his teddy bear closer to his chest. She smiles as he leans against her touch, obviously enjoying the simple designs that she’s drawing into his soft skin.

“You’ll never know dear, how much I love you,” She sings softer, watching the way his eyelashes are beginning to flutter shut, “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” She continues on for another verse, only stopping once she’s ensured that his eyes are shut tightly. His soft breathing fills the room, and he adjusts a little bit, his little fingers curled into fists as he raises one next to his head. She smiles, watching the way he stretches out as he relaxes against the mattress.

She watches him for another moment, wondering how many more nights she’d have where she’d sing to him and tuck him into bed. She brushed her fingertips against his blue comforter, hoping that they’d have a long time to continue to do this. She didn’t want him to grow up. She wanted to keep him in this safe little bubble, far out of reach from harm. She feared there would come a day where he’d no longer come to her.

She takes another minute before she’s leaning down to press another kiss against his forehead. He doesn’t stir this time and she hopes that he has the best dream tonight. She stands quietly and reaches to shut the lamp off before she leaves the room again. She takes her time to walk back to her own room, partially hoping that Neil will be too out of it to continue anything.

“Well?” She looks up as she gently presses the door shut behind her. Neil is still resting on the bed, looking rather eager as he awaits her response. She feels her lips tugging up into a soft smile.

“He’s asleep.” She confirms, watching as Neil tugs her onto the bed. A laugh begins to form in her chest as she realizes how natural this feels. She feels like she can believe Neil, that he truly has changed for the better. She loosens her robe, letting it fall from her skin and onto the floor.

“Where were we?” He’s barely got his lips pressed against hers before the door is flying open. Rosemary quickly covers herself with the blankets before she’s tugging on Neil’s discarded shirt. Billy struts in, looking unbothered as he clutches his teddy to his chest. He keeps quiet as he grips the edge of the mattress and roughly tugs himself up. He continues to stay silent as he crawls up towards them, situating himself between Neil and Rosemary.

“Boy,” Neil looks over at Billy in exasperation, “What are you doing?” His eyebrows are high, looking fully exhausted at the thought of Billy lingering by them through the night. Rosemary isn’t sure why Billy is so determined to sleep in here tonight, but she thinks it’s cuter than anything else. She doesn't think she's missing out on anything with Neil. She was sure she was broken, as she had yet to experience why sex was so pleasurable.

“Sleeping.” Billy answers simply as he wiggles his way underneath the blankets. He exhales deeply as he stretches his little legs out and rests his arms behind his head. He looks tired, like he could pass out any second. Rosemary feels her own smile growing as she notices him trying to stifle his own giggles as he shuts his eyes.

“Honey,” Rosemary looks at him a little confused, knowing that he doesn’t usually try to sleep in the same bed with them, “Why don’t you want to lay in your own bed?” She asks him seriously, wondering if there was something that had been scaring him.

“‘Cause.” Billy says, wiggling his way onto his side so he’s gripping a hold of her arm. He rubs his cold nose across her skin, earning a smile from her lips. She grins as she leans down to kiss his mop of blonde hair and she deeply inhales the scent of him before she’s leaning up again. Neil is watching her, looking rather disappointed in her.

“It’s just one night,” Rosemary says gently, hoping that it won’t upset Neil, “It won’t be that bad.” She nods her head to try and reassure Neil. He’s not much for cuddling anyways but hopes that he really won’t mind Billy sleeping in their bed with them. It could be the last time he ever does so.

“Fine,” Neil says at last, exhaling through his nose, “But you kick me and you’re sleeping on the floor with the monster.” Neil says slowly, full of dramatics as he leans over Billy’s smaller frame. Billy’s eyes suddenly snap open again.

“Huh?” Billy’s blue eyes are wide as he stares up at Neil, holding onto every word as he listens to Neil’s pretend story. Rosemary already feels herself shaking her head, knowing that this will only make Billy want to sleep in here more often.

“You know,” Neil draws out playfully, “The monster that lives underneath our bed. Careful if you roll over, he might just getcha!” His fingertips descend upon Billy’s ticklish ribs like lightning, making Billy squirm and giggle with hysterics. He begins to kick his little feet as he tries to pry Neil’s fingertips away from him.

“No!” Billy is giggling loudly, his eyes clenched shut as his mouth is parted wide in joy, “No, daddy, no!” He continues to shriek out, still giggling as he wiggles across the bed. Rosemary grins as she rests her hand against the palm, thinking that it had been a long time since Billy had called Neil daddy.

Their washing machine had died about a week ago, making Rosemary making haste trips to the laundromat. Neil had gotten off from work early and picked up Billy instead, leaving Rosemary more time in the afternoon to run a few more errands. She didn’t mind taking Billy into the grocery store, but he often wandered off to speak to strangers. He was sociable, that was for sure.

She placed her bags of groceries on top of the neatly folded clothes before she carried it all in at once, her fingertips burning from the rushed motions. She hastily dropped it on the floor of the kitchen before she looked over, noticing the giant grin on Billy’s lips. He was wearing his much too large backpack and had an oversized cap on that had once been Neil’s.

“Well, you look cute,” She smiles as she bends down to kiss Billy’s temple, removing the hat in the process, “Where are you going?” She asks him curiously, noticing how his shoes were tied. He swayed back and forth, looking quite pleased as he spoke.

“Nana’s!” He answers in glee, his smile bright as he spoke. Rosemary felt her eyebrows rising on her forehead and she glanced towards the clock, just to make sure that she had the time right.

“You can’t go to nana’s,” She tells him softly, “It’s nighttime.” She doesn’t want to upset him, but she knew they didn’t have enough time to visit and then return home. He’d have to wait until tomorrow. Neil steps into the room suddenly, smiling brightly.

“You wanted to spend the night,” Neil tells him softly, “Didn’t you son?” He nudges Billy softly, letting his hand rest against the top of Billy’s hat. Billy nods his head quickly, almost knocking the large hat off in the process.

“Yeah!” Billy’s grin is still bright, “Spend the night!” He repeats loudly, holding his fists up in the air like it’s the best idea he’s heard of in a while. Rosemary feels her eyes widen, a little worried as he’s never spent a night away from her before.

“Billy,” Rosemary says softly, “Do you know what that means?” She asks him seriously, feeling like he had no idea that it meant actually spending the night. Neil had definitely ensured that Billy was now sleeping with them, as Billy was now convinced that there was a toe eating monster underneath his bed. Billy glanced up towards Neil, looking up to his father for support.

“I eat her food, play with her toys, and give her hugs!” He responds proudly as Neil nods his head towards him. Billy is still swaying, his little feet beginning to bounce in excitement. Neil presses down on the top of his head gently to stop him.

“See,” Neil smiles towards her, “He’ll be fine. It’s for one night.” He says, looking more excited than Billy does. She lingers on her knees, looking forward at Billy with an uncertain look in her eyes. He’d spent an afternoon or two alone with his grandma, but never an entire night. She trusted his grandma, but she feared that something would happen that was out of their control.

“That’s a far drive,” She reminds Neil, feeling a little worried, “What if he changes his mind?” She asks softly, afraid that she’ll upset Neil again. She doesn’t want to be the reason that everything goes back to the way it was. Neil watches her slowly before his lips part up into a smile.

“He won’t.”

It’s midnight when Rosemary is pulled from her bed by the ringing of the phone. She groans, tugging the sheet off with her as she wraps it around her waist and stumbles out into the dark hallway. She gapes, nearly falling over in pain as her pinky toe slams against the corner of the couch. She winces, limping her way towards the phone. She barely pulls it up to her ear before Billy’s voice fills the other side.

“Mama,” Billy sobs on the other end of the phone, “Where are you?” She listens as he sniffles and blubbers and she knew she had been correct in her concerns earlier. Billy wasn’t ready to be away from her.

“I’m at home baby,” She coos gently, “What’s wrong?” She asks, feeling a little more worried as she grips the phone to her ear. She fears that something bad has happened. She doesn’t even question how he knew what number to call.

“You’re not here,” He says pitifully, making her heart crack a little bit at his tone, “I miss you.” He’s crying again, sounding like it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened. She feels her lips tugging into a soft smile, thinking about how lucky she is to have a little boy who loves her so much.

“Do you want me to come and get you?” She asks, even though she already knows the answer to that question. She glances over her shoulder, ensuring that Neil’s snores are still filling the room.

“Yes,” He says quickly without even thinking about it, “Please.” He adds softly at the end, sounding like he’s about to break down into sobs again. There’s a bit of sniffling before she hears the phone being passed again.

“I’m sorry, Rosemary,” Edith’s voice fills the other line, “I tried to get him to calm down but nothing’s working.” Rosemary feels bad suddenly, knowing that Edith had been going through a lot the past year. She hopes that Billy hadn’t stressed her out too much.

“It’s fine,” Rosemary answers quickly, “I’ll be there in a little bit to get him.” She tells her quickly, hoping that Billy knows that this wasn’t her idea. She would’ve never let him go along had Neil not already formulated the plan without her. She hangs up quickly before she’s throwing on a random pair of pants and a shirt. She grabs the keys, saying nothing to Neil before she leaves. She already knows that he would’ve only told her to let Billy toughen it out.

The drive is about forty-five minutes, but she arrives in thirty after speeding through the non-busy streets. There was something relaxing about driving at this time of night, where no one else was around and you could hear the ocean over the sound of the wind blowing through the open windows.

“I’m sorry,” She apologizes again once she’s finally there. Billy is in her arms in a second, sobbing and whimpering as she lifts him into the air. She rocks him back and forth as Edith brings his backpack towards her, “I tried to tell Neil.”

“He wasn’t too bad for the most part,” Edith admits with a gentle smile. Neil has her eyes, only hers aren’t as intense and cold. Rosemary can clearly see that she’s only been doing worse by the bags underneath her eyes and the obvious way she’s lost more weight, “He had an accident. I think that’s what caused everything.” Rosemary furrows her eyebrows together, knowing it’s been a long time since Billy had peed the bed.

“Do you need me to wash anything?” Rosemary questions seriously, feeling bad that Edith may have to clean up the sheets on her own. Edith quickly shook her head as she took a step forward to place a kiss on Billy’s cheek.

“No, it’s fine,” Edith reassures her, “Do you need to stay here? I hate to have you driving when it’s this late at night.” Rosemary shakes her head gently. Edith was nice, but her house always smelt old and bitter. Like something had been rotting away.

“It’ll be fine,” Rosemary nods her head as Billy shuffles closer to her, whining as he clearly wants to leave too, “I’m sorry again. I’ll call you in the morning.” She promises, using a free hand to grip Billy’s backpack. She bites her lip, hoping that she won’t have to deal with a cranky toddler the rest of the way home.

“Don’t do that,” He tells her quickly once she’s got him situated in the car, “No leave again.” He demands of her, his eyes glossy again. She feels a part of her heart breaking again and feels like she may cry from his words. She doesn’t want him upset with her.

“Oh, sunshine,” She pulls him onto her lap again, swaying him back and forth, “I won’t leave you ever again. I promise.”

1972

Neil slowly grew back into the monster that she had known him to be. It was exhausting, watching the way his moods would switch back and forth so easily. He grew rougher with Billy, which meant that she fought back a little harder. Each time she was more sore, more beaten down as she tried to remember why she was doing this.

She grew even more bitter once she realized that he was seeing someone again. She didn’t know who, only that he came home reeking of her perfume and with a goofy expression on his lips. She wanted to beat it off, to beat all of the happiness out of him. She never said anything. He was always better on those nights, and it was clear to her what he meant. He was happier without her and Billy.

“I don’t want to,” Rosemary shrugged Neil’s arm off of her shoulders, “Seriously, stop.” Neil gripped her jawline harshly, his fingertips digging into her bone as he yanked her towards him. She finds herself whimpering, the unknown sound filling the room.

“You’re my wife,” He reminded her furiously as spit flew while he spoke, “It’s your duty so you can do it, or I’ll do it for you.” He tells her harshly as he keeps a tight grip on her face. She feels her eyes widening before she quickly nods her head.

“I’m sorry,” She felt her eyes widening as she blinked away tears, understanding the implications if she didn’t agree, “You’re right.” She tells him slowly, gently moving her hands to brush his fingers away. She feels like she’s losing her mind as she strips herself down, like she’s weak as she gives him to his demands.

Neil no longer brings her flowers or greets her with kisses when he returns from work. However, she’s still expected to make him dinner and giving into whatever he wants at nighttime. She feels like she’s experiencing whiplash with how quickly he changes moods.

“Let go!” She’s begging, tears pouring from the corner of her eyes from how tightly Neil has her arm pinned behind her back, “Please, please stop!” She whimpers a little louder, feeling like he’s going to rip her arm completely off as he pushes her face up against the mirror again.

She wasn’t sure what she did, only that she was attacked first thing when she entered the room. He slammed her face up against the mirror first, sending glass flying and poking into her skin. She clenched her eyes together tightly, fearing that a piece of glass may press into her eyes.

“Why do you have to embarrass me like that, Mary, why?” He demanded hotly against her neck. He was the only one who ever called her Mary and she hated it. She hated how she was sobbing and begging and unable to fight back.

“I don’t know,” She said between thick tears. He grasped her harder, lifting her up further so her toes were dragging against the floor, “I’m sorry!” She screamed out, almost hoping that he would just kill her and get it over with.

“You won’t disobey me again, will you?” He spoke as if she was a dog, forever chained to be loyal to him. She cried out again as he pulled her hand further up her back, “Answer me!”

“Won’t do it again!” She cried out, her chest heaving with sobs, “Please, I promise. I’ll be good.” She didn’t feel like his wife. She felt far below that, like she was an object for him to dress up and play with.

He finally released her, letting her collapse onto the ground as she nursed her sore arm to her chest. She whimpered, panicking until she was finally able to move her fingers again.

“Clean up your fucking mess,” Neil speaks up as he kicks a piece of glass towards her, “You look terrible.”

///////////

“Did you hear what happened at the laundromat last night?” She jumps suddenly, looking up from the dry shirt she was currently folding into her basket. The man next to her smiles a bit bashful as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Huh?” Rosemary met his gaze as she furrowed her eyebrows together. He looks a few years older, a little shaggy and unkempt as he looks at her with warm brown eyes, “Oh, no I didn’t.” She says confused, thinking that she must’ve missed it in the newspaper.

“Three clothespins held up two shirts,” He grinned at her, watching the awkward way she cracked a grin, “Sorry. My daughter thinks I’m hilarious.” He brushed it off as his cheeks began to burn a pink shade. Rosemary bit her bottom lip, feeling a little flattered.

“I’m sure she’s right,” Her flirty tone takes her by surprise, although she can’t deny that this man is attractive. He seems to be the complete opposite from Neil. He looks untidy and has bags underneath his eyes, but his lanky posture is inviting and shy at the same time, “She’s got a very handsome daddy.”

She’s not sure how it happened, or who made the first move. But before she knows it, she’s undressing and letting this dorky man take her in Neil’s backseat. It’s nothing similar to the way Neil treats her. He’s kind and loving, he makes her laugh even when he’s slightly awkward at first. She just wanted to forget Neil but found herself craving the other man in a way she didn't expect. She didn't know that sex could feel this good, could make her toes curl and her mind fuzzy with stars.

She expected to feel guilty after what had happened, but she didn’t. She felt freed. She felt like she had control of her body again because he never expected her to do anything special. He was soft and sweet, everything that Neil wasn’t. Neil just forces her onto her back and thinks of his own pleasure, not even caring if she reaches her peak. The other man held her in way that made her body ache in a good way. She wanted more of it, even though he knew she would never get there again. She never mentions it to Neil, never brings it up. She knows if she does what her fate will be. Neil can sleep with whomever he pleases, but Rosemary isn’t allowed to.

Sam. His name is Sam, and she spends the next few weeks thinking about him. She doesn’t bother to ask about his family, because she knows she’ll never see him again. Although she does picture him coming to whisk her and Billy off. She thinks that Billy would like to have a sibling.

Neil is still rough with her, demands her body every night and she’s too afraid to deny him what he thinks is his right. She begins to hate herself because of it. She used to fight back, but she doesn't have the strength in herself to do so anymore. Every time she does, he just punishes her worse and worse.

It’s in early October when Rosemary realizes that her period is late. She isn’t sure how she feels about the prospect of being pregnant, so she keeps it to herself for some time. She really doesn’t know how Neil will react either. It scares her.

“Billy,” Rosemary bends over to his level and gently pulls his hands in hers. He gives her a big, goofy smile as he waits for her words, “How do you feel about having a baby brother or sister?” She asks him, watching as he brings his tiny surfboard back up to the shore. He was getting really talented, riding the tiny little waves that came through. Rosemary no longer had to sit out in the water with him.

“A baby?” He looks at her curiously as he tilts his head, looking like he’s unsure about the idea. Rosemary grins, understanding how different this must feel for him. It had just been the two of them for so long.

“You’d still be my baby too,” She quickly reassures him as she brings him onto her lap, “You’d have someone to play with.” She adds at the end as she rocks him back and forth. Billy’s eyes suddenly light up.

“Oh!” He exclaims in surprise, “Lots of them!” He says in agreement. She laughs at his exclamation, feeling like he really would be a good older brother. His teachers always said he got along so good with the other kids in his classes.

“Well, I don’t know about that,” She grins as she kisses the top of his head, “Let’s start with one for now, okay?” She asks him softly as she rocks him back and forth. She breathes in deeply, feeling a bit worried for what might happen to this new baby.

“Okay,” He responded as he leaned his cheek against her shoulder, sounding disappointed, “Just one.” He says as he picks her hand up and begins to trace the lines on the back of her palm. She rests her chin on top of her head, knowing that since his reaction was good it meant that Neil’s would be the opposite.

“I thought we didn’t want anymore just yet?” Neil's question was harsh later that night as Rosemary delivered the news. She paused as she held her fingertips together, feeling like she needed to grip onto something to keep from falling down from how badly she was shaking.

“Well,” Rosemary shifted her weight off of her left foot, “Things happen I guess.” She said slowly, making sure that her tone was soft and flowy. She didn’t want him to think that she was snapping at him. She didn’t want to make this situation worse.

“Get rid of it.” He said like it’s a simple manner. She blinks at him, unsure if she’s hearing his words right. They’re stuck, he must surely know that they’re stuck in this situation.

“What would you have me do?” She asked him seriously as she felt her fingertips press into fists. She watched him like a hawk, waiting for him to lash out towards her. She inhaled deeply, watching how his eyes turned cold. They looked like they were full of hatred.

“There’s someone that Paul knows,” He says slowly as he shifts to face her more on the bed, “It costs some money but they do a good job.” She felt unable to swallow suddenly, like she had a giant rock lodged in the back of her throat. She blinked at him as she thought about AnneMarie for the longest time. She thought of the other woman she’d heard about who had turned out worse because of it.

“I’m not doing that,” She said softly as Neil’s harsh gaze locked in on her again, “It’s dangerous. If I die, I’ll lose Billy. We wanted another kid someday, what’s bad about now?” She’d heard little snippets of abortion being moved into the Supreme Court, but nothing was legal yet. She didn’t trust her life in someone else’s hands, not when they didn’t have a proper way to do it.

“You’ve been whoring around.” He says, brushing off her statements as he finishes dressing himself for bed. She keeps her sigh to herself as she watches him. He’d accused her of being unfaithful for a long time, right around when he first started hitting her. She figured that he did so because he felt guilty for sleeping with other women. As usual, it was just easier to blame her.

“What?” Rosemary felt her eyebrows knitting together, “Neil, you’re the only one I’ve had sex with. Ever.” She’s lying, but there’s no way he could know. She had never seen that man again and had never spoken him into existence.

“I didn’t knock you up.” He dismisses her as he begins to pull the blankets down from the head of the bed. She stares at him, feeling all of the calmness leave her body.

“Are you being serious?” She asked him sternly, “You’re on top of me just about every night. You’re being crazy.” She tells him pointedly, feeling like he was trying to make her think she was losing her mind. Neil turns quickly and he’s hitting her, punching her in the nose before she can muster anything else to say.

It’s bad this time. Worse than when he’d left for a few days. Her head rings and spins, her body aches as she tries to crawl to the phone. She’s too weak to even do that. She assumes Neil calls Edith, because Rosemary was unable to even pull herself towards the phone.

Edith takes her to the hospital and Rosemary is too out of it to even notice where they’re going at first. Her mind still feels fuzzy, like her thoughts aren't’ fully there. She blinks a few times, trying to clear her mind as she’s rushed back right away. She figures that she must look terrible.

“I didn’t fall,” Rosemary protested after the doctor was done speaking to her, “I was-,” She begins to speak, to explain her story. She hopes Neil gets punished, that he gets locked up and she’s free from his grasp. Edith speaks over her.

“Doing much more than she should’ve been,” Edith nodded her head, “Honey, you’re pregnant. You need to take care of yourself.” She squeezes at Rosemary’s arm, but it’s tight and her nails dig into her skin. Rosemary stares up at her, feeling horrified as she realizes Edith isn’t doing this for her sake. She feels alone again, understanding that when she dies it’ll be because of Neil.

1973

“It’s scary.” Billy protested as he glanced up towards Rosemary. She felt like he had grown into a six year old overnight. He still looked handsome with his mass of blonde curls and big, bright blue eyes. She felt guilty the more she looked at him, because he was sporting a matching bruise on his cheekbone too.

“It’s not scary,” She laughed as she held his hand, “It’s a horse. Horses are so fun, look!” She told him as she reached out her free hand to rub at the horse's face. Billy lingered a little closer, his cheek brushing against her arm as he watched. She grinned as the horse flicked his tongue out and licked her.

“Yucky,” Billy made a face, his little nose curling up in disgust. She shook her head, wishing she’d brought him out to do this sooner. She didn’t want him to be afraid of animals. She loved animals, she wanted him to have that same love.

“Come on,” She nudges him softly, “I used to love doing this when I was little.” She holds out their locked hands slowly, letting the horse come to them first. Billy’s eyes are wide but eventually soften as he pets at the horse.

“Really?” He looks at her curiously and she realizes she may have never mentioned it before. Perhaps that had to do with her parents. She didn’t want him knowing about them in hopes that it wouldn’t make him feel guilty for what had happened. None of this had been his fault.

“Really,” She nods her head, “It’s fun, I promise you.” She tells him honestly, watching the way he’s already seemed to grow interested in the animal in front of them. She takes pictures once he’s finally up on the horse. He smiles gleefully, giggling as the horse takes him around and around the fenced area.

She was hoping this might help him. She’d noticed a change in his attitude and she was sure it had to do with Neil. Neil seemed to lash out on him more and more, blame him for things out of his control. Rosemary fought back when she could but the majority of the time she’d end up on the floor, trying to remember what had happened. Neil’s lashes kept getting rougher with her and she feared he’d hurt the baby.

Billy had gotten in trouble at school recently and she knew it wasn’t really his fault, but she wanted to remind him that he was still gentle and soft. He wasn’t Neil, not even if he had hit one of classmates. Hitting was the only way he knew how to express himself, because it was the only way that Neil expressed himself.

“Can we do that again?” Billy asked eagerly once they were finished. He tugged on her hand, doing the same motions he used to do when he was little. She grinned as she leaned forward to kiss the top of his head.

“Sure thing, sunshine,” She swept her fingers through his messy hair as she wished time would slow down for them, “We can do whatever you want.” She promises him, hoping that he doesn’t think that she’ll have less time for him once the baby arrives.

She was fairly certain she was having another boy. She was carrying the same way, had the same cravings and same ticks as she did when she was pregnant with Billy. Neil still tried to dismiss her, no matter how badly she tried to convince him. She eventually gave up, figuring he’d accept the answer once the baby was born and looked similar to Billy.

“Like this?” Billy asked curiously, holding the large screwdriver in his hands as he tried to maneuver it. She grinned, tipping the end of it back a bit so it would be better balanced in his hand. His eyebrows knitted together as he worked in concentration, screwing the nail into the wooden boards.

“Just like that,” She told him, appreciating that she had a little helper. She did the harder work while she let him do the easier things, such as decide where the pillows should go and what color the room should be. They decided on yellow, “Do you want a little brother or sister?” She asked after they had finished. They were both on the floor, their legs crossed as they shared a sandwich and a bag of chips.

“A brother,” He answered finally with a look of determination on his features, “Then we can play.” He said a little softer, looking excited at the prospect. She turned towards him, wondering if Neil had been talking bad about women again.

“You can play with a little sister too,” She told him softly, “I used to play with all of the little boys when I grew up.” She told him truthfully. Billy tilted his head as he listened to her, looking like he didn’t expect her answer.

“Oh,” Billy said softly, more interest filling his eyes, “Then both.” He nodded his head, like it was the final word. She pressed her lips into a smile as she ruffled his hair again. He giggled as he wiggled against her.

“Both?” She laughed, “I don’t know about that. Do you like any names?” She asked him instead. She hadn’t thought about it too much if she was being honest.

“Edith,” He said quickly, “Like nana.” Rosemary smiled warmly, watching the way he poked and prodded curiously at her tummy. She jolted a little bit as his fingers pressed a little too close to her ribs.

“Nana does have a pretty name,” She confirmed gently. Although she wasn’t sure she liked that name anymore. Edith and her no longer got along much since the night she’d taken her to the emergency room, “What about for a boy?” She asked instead, hoping he didn’t say Neil.

“Russell,” He said simply after some thought, “I just like it.” He said with a goofy grin. She pushed her fingers through his hair again.

“Russell and Edith,” She nodded her head, thinking that they were better than any of the names she’d come up with, “I like those.” She told him honestly.

Neil was still in denial, offering absolutely no help for her pregnancy. She was upset at first, until she realized it was no different than the first time around. At least this time, she could see right through him.

Her hands shook as she looked over the documents in front of her again. Her handwriting was already written there neatly and now she just needed Neil to agree to it as well. She thought there was no hope in pretending that they could make things better. The further in her pregnancy she grew, the more violent Neil got with Billy. She wouldn’t let him put his hands on Billy again. She couldn’t.

“Go play,” She told Billy gently after dinner, ruffling his hair gently as she took a deep breath and stood. It was getting harder and harder to get around, but she figured it wouldn’t be so bad once the baby was born, “I’ll come in to tuck you in for bed.” She reminded him quickly, noticing the worried expression in his wide blue eyes. He was a social child. Always wanting to be around someone.

“Just hurry.” He whispered softly so only Rosemary could hear him. She sent him a playful wink, praying that this wouldn’t take long. He glanced over his shoulder, walking carefully past Neil to not disturb him before he bounded into his room.

“No running, boy,” Neil snapped, still catching Billy’s movements from the corner of his eye, “And leave the fucking door open.” He cautioned as if he could see Billy gripping the doorknob from the back of his head. Billy made a face as he released it, before he fully entered his room.

“Neil,” Rosemary held the paper in her hands, feeling more nervous than usual as she approached him. She shifted the weight off of one foot as she drew in a deep breath, trying to get her words forward as quickly as she could, “We can’t keep doing this, pretending like everything is going to be okay. I’ve saved up some money and signed a lease to an apartment and I think it’s best we go our separate ways.” She spoke slow and steady, ensuring that he took in every word as she passed the documents to him.

She’d spent the past month slowly moving things over to the apartment. She started lightly, ensuring that Neil wouldn’t notice what she was doing. She started with a few articles of her clothes, of Billy’s and then of the baby’s. She had already stocked the pantry. She’d be set for at least a little bit.

He didn’t look surprised as he took the papers from her. His eyes had a blank look to them, his expression calm as he slowly read through them. Rosemary stood there, holding her breath as he read through each page. He licked his finger, flipping to the last page that awaited his signature.

“What about my kid?” Neil asked her, sounding a little dry. She shifted her weight, feeling like he was reacting more calmly than what she had expected. She didn’t miss how he was only referring to Billy.

“I’m assuming dual custody,” She said softly, though she had plans to get them far away from him. She thought about taking them back to Louisiana, thinking that Billy would like all of the farm animals. They could move further to the south, so they’d still be near the beach, “We can work it out in the court system.”

“You don’t have a job.” Neil pointed out towards her. She bit her bottom lip, knowing that he would bring that up in a way to shame her.

“I’ve been cooking a lot, selling that stuff. I still babysit the neighbors kids when I get a chance,” She explained slowly, “I got a job down at one of the diners. It’ll work for now.” He snorted, like her job was funny. She felt her lips forming into a frown but quickly relaxed her features. She reminded herself it wasn’t that big of a deal, she’d be out with Billy soon enough.

“And if they give you nothing?” Neil tilted his head, looking at her seriously. She felt her eyebrows knitting together, feeling like it was very unlikely that she got nothing out of this.

“Now why would they do that?” She asked him seriously, feeling like it was ridiculous. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She couldn’t see the courts keeping her away from her sons.

“You’re jobless, I’m sure your apartment is a piece of shit,” Neil started to list off different reasons, “Why would the court side with you?” She fought the urge to remind him that she did have a job. She stayed quiet for a moment.

“Because I don’t beat my son and wife,” She said pointedly, feeling the anger flaring up inside of her, “And I’ll be damned if you think you’d get away with that.” She told him honestly, knowing she’d fight tooth and nail to make sure their kids remained with her.

He hit her, the same way he’d hit her for years now. Only this time he didn’t stop. Billy had tried to intervene at some point, but her mind had felt too hazy to fully comprehend what was happening. Neil had kicked her after that; still screaming and cursing as she tried to push herself up off of the floor.

There was blood. Lots of it. Puddling and pooling around her. Her heart thumped lamely in her chest as Billy gently shoved at her shoulder, trying to get her attention. She stared at his wide blue eyes, his nose that was dripping blood too. It took a second for her to notice that he was crying.

“I’m okay,” She said at last, her tongue feeling heavy in her mouth. She tasted metallic as she wiped at her nose, “It’s okay.” She tried to reassure him, although something felt very off. Her heart was beating too fast, her breathing coming out too quickly for her to notice the pain that was shooting up her back.

“You’re hurt,” Billy cried pitifully, drawing her attention to the pool of blood she was resting on. She felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach, “Mama what’s wrong?” His little voice was strained as he held onto her back, assisting as she tried to pull herself up from the floor. She cried out, wincing at the sharp pains that were traveling up her spine.

“I’m gonna go to the hospital,” She said at last, though her words didn’t feel like her own. She breathed in sharply, “I’ll be back in a little bit, okay?” She tried to reassure him as she gripped at her side, wincing from how sore she felt. She didn’t know where Neil had run off to, where he was hiding away at.

“I’ll go with,” He pleaded with her, tugging on her hands as she stood, “Please.” Billy begged, still crying as he clung to her. She breathed in sharply, knowing that it wasn’t good for him to see any of this. He didn’t need to be at the hospital when they cleaned her up and told her what she already knew.

“Billy,” She was panicking as she spoke, “Everything will be okay. Just wait here and I’ll come back.” She told him seriously, her voice coming out a little sharper from how bad everything hurt. It wasn’t fair to Billy, none of this was fair to him. His bottom lip trembled as he stared up at her and she felt her heart cracking a little bit more.

“You promise?” He asked her seriously, his eyes full of fear. She felt terrible as she looked down at her little boy. He looked broken, far too worried than what he should be. She felt a sickening feeling growing inside of her chest as she cupped his small cheek in her hands. She pulled a few tissues from the tissue box, gently dabbing his nose as she remembered to slow down for him. He shouldn’t be panicking.

“I promise,” Everything hurt so badly but she still bent over to kiss the top of his head, “I’ll be back in a few hours, okay? If I don’t see you tonight I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.” She promised him, trying to reassure herself that it would be okay to leave Billy here for a few hours. In the morning she’d pack everything up and they would be gone.

She felt numb the whole trip to the hospital, felt like someone else was in her body as she drove. Her mind was still fuzzy, her body burning when she arrived. She looked like she had crawled out of a horror movie by the time that she stepped in through the building.

She wasn’t sure why she’d crawled out to the hospital. She was sure that her baby was gone, that Neil had taken her baby from her. They took her back right away, and even after everything that had happened, she couldn’t tell them who had done this to her. She merely said that she slipped again but no one dared to press for any information.

Russell had been born a few hours later, smaller than most babies with an even smaller hope of making it. Rosemary knew she couldn’t go back, she couldn’t let Neil sink his claws into someone else. She didn’t know how she was going to get Billy out. She couldn’t arrive with a baby, it would only make everything else so much worse.

She tried anyway. She waited a week, she waited until it no longer hurt to walk and she wasn’t limping around. She didn’t know what to do with Russell at first until one of the elderly neighbors had agreed to watch him. She felt bad at first, but her other son needed her. Billy needed her.

She felt her heart sinking into her stomach when she realized the locks had been changed. The front door and the back door. Once she was sure she couldn’t get in through that way, she examined the windows, but was still too weak to pull herself up into the house.

By the time she’d walked around to the front of the house, Neil was there. She felt angry as she stepped forward, her palm connecting with his face before she could stop herself. The sound rang in the open air, her hand stinging from how harshly she’d hit him. He laughed, shaking it off.

“Where is he?” She demanded, her fists clenched tightly together as she stared up at him. Neil rubbed his cheek, still laughing like she hadn’t hurt him at all. She felt anger flaring inside of her chest, knowing that she could do a lot more to hurt him if she wanted to.

“He wanted to spend the summer with some relatives,” He said vaguely, but Rosemary knew that it meant his mother. He had no one else in his family, “You look awful.” He pointed out, staring at her bruises and swollen skin. She bit her tongue, trying to keep her anger under control before she did something really dumb.

“I wonder why,” She seethed as she moved closer to him, “Give me my boy back.” She demanded again, not caring how badly Neil hit her this time. Billy was all that mattered, nothing else. Neil walked around her, jogging up the steps as she quickly followed from behind. He acted like she didn’t bother him, like she wasn’t even irritating him.

“He’s not yours anymore,” Neil bounced his keys in his hands, looking at her with a smirk, “How long do you think it’ll take for him to forget you?” He asked her curiously, tilting his head as his words struck her right in her heart. She breathed out harshly, her chest feeling heavy as he pointed out the thing that she’d been fearing the past week. She didn’t want Billy to ever forget her.

“He’s mine,” She protested, wincing as he shoved her back harshly. He began to unlock the door, looking at her with a sense of amusement as he slid inside. He tried to grip the door, yelping as he slammed it shut on her fingers. She pulled her hand back, nursing it to her chest. She kicked at the door, feeling frustrated at the way Neil easily dismissed her.

She’d tried Neil’s parents house after that, but they were truly gone for the summer. She huffed in frustration, feeling like her world was slowly falling apart. She’d tried writing letters, even going as far to slide them into Billy’s window. She was sure Neil destroyed every single one. However, she didn’t give up. She kept trying, knowing that the only important thing was to ensure that Billy knew she was trying.

“Let me talk to him,” She spoke on the phone harshly, knowing it was Neil who answered by the way he was breathing, “I need to see him.” She told him desperately, feeling like her world was continuing to chip and fall apart.

“You can come by whenever,” Neil said casually, “He’s off playing right now. I don’t think he wants to speak to you.” Neil said sarcastically. She felt like wrapping the cord from the phone around his neck and strangling him.

“You can’t do this.” She spits out instead, trying to keep herself from breaking down into tears. Her heart hurt so badly, worse than any of Neil’s punches or hits.

“Come home and we can make everything right,” Neil said at last, “We can figure this out together.” He tells her softly, like he wants to really work it out again. She’s horrified by his suggestion.

“You tried to kill me,” Rosemary said, “Billy is mine and if you touch one-” She didn’t get to finish her threat. Neil hung up on her,

She tried the school, but they could no longer offer her assistance. Neil had removed her from everything, gave them clear instructions that she was no longer allowed to see Billy. He made it seem like she had just left, like she had just abandoned him. In some sort of cruel way she really had.

“Edith,” Rosemary spit out as she registered that the phone had answered, “You have to help me-,” She said quickly, hoping that Edith would do this one thing for her.

“Mommy?” Billy’s voice rings on the other end of the line, his voice soft and confused. She thinks that he sounds a little hurt.

“Billy!” Rosemary sighed in relief, “Oh my god, sunshine. I’m so sorry. Are you alone?” She asks worriedly, fearing that Edith will whisk him away too. This was the first time she’d spoken to him in almost a month. She was desperate.

“Nana is sleeping,” Billy answered quickly, “Where are you?” His voice came out small, like he was about to burst into tears. She felt a hammer beginning to chip at her heart, thinking about all she’d put him through. She was terrified Neil was hurting him.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” Her bottom lip quivered as she spoke, “I’m doing everything I can to bring you home to me, okay?” She told him honestly. She didn’t know what would happen if she went to Neil directly. She was still waiting for the court to process their divorce.

"Do you promise?" He asked so innocently that it made her heart clench even tighter. She wondered if he had any idea of what had happened between her and Neil. She felt terrible knowing that the last time he'd seen her, she'd been covered in blood. She should've brought him with her, should've exposed everything that Neil had done to them.

"I promise."

“Why did you leave?” Billy’s voice shook on the other end of the line. She took a moment, covering her mouth as the tears fell through. She shook as she cried, knowing she had abandoned Billy.

“I was hurt real bad,” She whimpered out, “But I’m better now and I’m going to bring you home. I’m gonna give you my new number, can you write it down and keep it safe?” She thought about giving him her address but didn’t like the idea of him walking around in this part of town alone.

“Hurry back,” He whined pitifully, making her feel sick all over again, “I miss you.” She felt like falling to the floor, feeling like she’d failed him. She closed her eyes tightly, wishing there was a simple way to fix this.

////////////////////

Russell wasn’t as easy to care for as Billy was. She was sure that he had colic. He would cry for what felt like hours, his little body tense and fists clenched as she tried to soothe him. She blamed Neil for all of it.

She felt like she was busy all the time, between working and trying to care for Russell. At one point she had to admit defeat and she was contacting AnneMarie and asking for a place to stay. She looked different than how Rosemary remembered and she hoped that things would work out better this time around.

Working to get Billy was harder than she thought. She’d gone through three different lawyers who all presented her with the same information; that Neil was better suited to raise Billy. It was driving her crazy, breaking her spirit down little by little.

“But I have a job,” Rosemary cried, “I have a job and an apartment. I know it’s not much but it’s fine. Neil hits him, he beats him. He beat me. Why doesn’t anyone believe that?” She asked, wishing she could find some truth in the matter.

“Do you have proof? Pictures or anything?” Her newest lawyer asked, his bushy eyebrows rising high on his wrinkled forehead. She sat back in her seat, knowing that none of these men cared about her or her son.

“What about hospital records?” She asked hopefully, knowing she had no pictures of her abuse. She could detail it like it was yesterday, though. That had to mean something, but she was unsure as the lawyer shrugged his shoulders as he thought.

“Did you say you were hit?” The lawyer questioned her. She faltered for a moment, feeling like she had done something wrong. Edith had technically spoken over her the first time, or else she would’ve come clean about Neil.

“My mother-in-law made up an excuse,” Rosemary breathed deeply, “That has to mean something.” She asks him quickly as she leaned forward, hoping that it could make Neil get into even more trouble.

“We can work with it,” He nodded his head as he looked over the papers again. She suddenly felt like she was back in the principal’s office, begging for a chance to finish school, “Is there anything else?” He asked curiously. She thought for a moment.

“When I gave birth to my second son, prematurely,” She begins to explain, “It was because he tried to kill me. The hospital should have records of that.” She nodded her head. She hadn’t explained what had really happened there either, but she thought that there was more than enough proof that she hadn’t been shoved.

“Your youngest is alive, right?” The lawyer asked and she quickly nodded her head in return, “We could use that as proof too if the baby had any injuries.” She knitted her eyebrows together as realization settled over her.

“Oh,” She stops for a moment, “I don’t want Neil to know about him. I don’t want him to get a hold of him.” She said quickly, fearing what would happen. Part of her tried not to worry about it, thinking that Neil may try to deny that the baby was his. Then again, he was too prideful to admit to anyone else that they weren’t a perfect family.

“How do we explain why you were at the hospital?” The lawyer asked dryly, looking at her like she was stupid. She gulped hard.

“You can’t lie?” She asks him truthfully, “Or just leave that part out? He doesn’t know I had him; he thinks he killed the baby.” She said softly, feeling like her conversation was going nowhere. Her lawyer simply nodded his head, but she felt like the case was already gone again.

She was tired by the time she returned back to AnneMarie’s apartment. She felt like she was failing Billy, that she really was abandoning him and leaving him to face Neil on his own. The thought filled her so heavily with guilt that she thought she may collapse to the ground in a fit of hysterics.

“What did you call him?” Rosemary pauses as she pulls her hair down from her ponytail. She thinks about cleaning her ears out, sure that she heard AnneMarie wrong.

“Charles,” AnneMarie smiled, “That name just suits him so much better.” She gushed out as she bounced Russell in her arms. He made a face before groaning in protest.

“His name is Russell,” Rosemary corrected as she reached for him. Russell immediately held his arms out, but AnneMarie turned in a way that left Rosemary unable to grasp him, “AnneMarie, stop. It’s been a long day.” She snapped, not feeling like playing this game today.

“So go shower and go to bed like you always do,” AnneMarie shook her head as she continued to rock Russell, “Charles and I are gonna stay up for a little bit, aren’t we?” She grinned like it was cute.

“Russell,” Rosemary said through clenched teeth, “And you’re not being funny.” She told AnneMarie seriously, feeling like her patience was running thin.

“Rosemary, you don’t understand,” AnneMarie stepped forward, “You may have given birth to him, but Russell is my baby.” She said dramatically, like it was the most obvious thing.

Rosemary's palm connected with AnneMarie’s cheek before she had the slightest idea of what she was doing. She was just so angry. So angry with Neil and Edith and anyone else who was trying to keep her away from her sons.

AnneMarie’s eyes were wide, her expression stunned as she held her cheek in horror. Rosemary scooped Russell up without another word and packed up the few things that were unpacked.

They stayed in a hotel that night and Rosemary cried again, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to afford another night. She didn’t know what to do now that she didn’t have someone to rely on. She really was all alone this time.

///////////////////

“Neil,” She was begging again as she held her hand out, pleading for something inside of him to emphasize with her. He hadn’t always been this cruel and she was sure it wasn’t too late for either of them, “Let me see Billy. That’s all I ask.” She told him honestly. She just needed one moment with him.

“You’re not supposed to be here.” Neil brushed her off, looking irritated as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He threw his greasy rag down on top of the engine of the car as he turned to face her. She paused for a moment, unsure of how to react to his rigid stance.

“Please,” She found herself breaking down into tears, “I’ll do anything. Just let me see him.” She sobbed out as everything rushed out at once. She missed Billy so much, so desperately.

“Why? You’ll only break his heart,” He told her seriously, “You’re worthless. Where would Billy live? On the streets? Do you even care about him?” He asked her seriously. She cried even harder, knowing that Neil was right. It was dangerous to take Billy, but she had to try something. It terrified her, no longer living in a place where Billy knew the number to.

“Of course, I do,” She was sobbing, hiccupping between large gulps, “I just want to see him. I need to know that he’s alright.” She clasped her hands together, wondering if it would do any good. Neil only stared coldly at her.

“He’s doing fantastic,” Neil answered shortly, “Far better now that you’re gone.” He looked at her pointedly, like she had been the issue the whole time. She wiped at her eyes, sniffling as she was reminded that Billy could very well be forgetting her.

“You hit him,” She told him slowly as her tears rolled down her cheeks. She shook her head, “I can’t leave him with you.” Her voice shook as she spoke. Neil pulled the greasy rag off of the engine before he slammed the hood down on the car. She winced instantaneously, feeling his hand across her cheek even though he hadn’t touched her. She was just used to it, like a trained dog.

“Like I said, things are better now that you’re gone,” Neil started as he stared her down. She felt nervous suddenly, “I don’t touch him like that. Things are like they used to be.” Rosemary stared at him for the longest time, not really believing him. She didn’t know how things could be normal when she was missing.

“Neil,” She looked up at him, feeling her heart shattering inside of her chest, “I just want to see him.” Neil’s blue eyes looked over her features. He leaned in close, bending lower and lower to her. She felt herself inhaling sharply, holding her breath as she waited for whatever Neil was to deliver.

“If he sees you, you’re going to crush him when he realizes you won’t ever come back,” Neil says lowly, whispering sinisterly in her ear, “It’s better off this way. He’s stopped asking about you so you can stop coming by.” He told her, sounding serious. She watched as he slowly pulled away and her mind and heart began to spiral as her lips trembled.

Before she would’ve fought him, would’ve kicked and screamed and did whatever she could to prove him wrong. Now, now she was just tired. Her body still hurt, her mind hurt and especially her heart. She felt like she was slowly losing part of her sanity as she realized Neil was right, at least for right now.

She felt like a different person when she agreed to his terms. She agreed, leaving Billy alone in Neil’s claws as she tried to assure herself that there was nothing else, she could do. She felt like she was signing her life away, submitting herself to damnation because of what she was doing to her sunshine. She pondered for a long time, wondering if Neil only lashed out at Billy to get back at her. Maybe he really would be okay.

She decided she wouldn’t stop, but she wouldn’t try as hard anymore. Neil was right, Billy would be safe with him for a time. Just until Rosemary could find a real house and support system. It wasn’t easy with Russell, but she made do. Their big divorce proceeding became not so big, and she felt like a failure, a coward.

She tried to keep positive, remembering that at least Neil wasn’t awarded full custody. Once she was on her feet, she’d come back for Billy. She prayed over it to anyone or anything that would listen or hear her. She couldn’t live without him.

Rosemary went a different approach this time. She hid a letter in the back of the baby book, detailing and explaining everything that had happened. She hoped that Billy would find it, as she was sure that Neil would never touch it.

“I thought I told you to stay away?” Neil snapped, looking irritated as he walked out the door. Rosemary glanced over his shoulder, hoping that Billy may be in his car. She was disappointed to see that no one was inside.

“Just give him this,” Rosemary begged Neil, “It’s his baby pictures. He needs them.” She followed him up the steps, feeling fully desperate as she didn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t all of Billy’s pictures, but she didn’t have enough time to cut and place all of them inside.

“Are you in them?” Neil looked up at her, his eyes cutting into her harshly. She felt a wave of sadness washing over her, wondering how she ever thought that she loved him. He was a monster and she had somehow missed all of the signs.

“Not all of them,” She breathes in, “It’s when we were happy.” She said softly, knowing at least part of it was true. She was always happy with Billy, but Neil was a whole different story. She didn’t want to know why he acted the way he did. She didn’t care. She only cared that he honestly treated Billy well.

Rosemary knew she couldn’t stick around long after that. She was stretched thin again as she searched for another apartment, accepting anything that gave her a roof over her head. She found herself cursing Neil a little more, hating what he’d done to her.

1981

The morning that Russell turned eight she cried. Not tears of happiness and joy, but of regret and sorrow. She felt so terrible as she was forcefully reminded that she never got to see Billy turn eight. Billy would’ve turned fourteen back in March and she wondered if he’d ever gotten any of her letters. She doubted it. She hadn’t heard from him, not a peep. She didn’t even know if she’d recognize him if she looked. So much time had passed that she was now embarrassed to even look to see if he was still where she’d left him. It made her sick with guilt.

Russell reminds her a lot of Billy, but they still have many differences. They have the same dirty blonde, curly hair. The same blue eyes and freckles across their cheeks. Russell, however, isn’t as active. He doesn’t hold the same energy that Billy did and is a far pickier eater than Billy was. He was definitely harder for her to raise but sometimes she wondered if that was only because she was on her own with no one else to support her.

“These are nice houses,” Russell says in interest as he clings to her arm. She nods her head in agreement as she pushes the picket fence open, “Would we be living here?” He asks, his blue eyes filled with excitement.

“Something like that,” She tells him with a half smile. The rent for their apartment had skyrocketed and she was no longer able to afford it. She’d caught a glimpse of an ad in a newspaper the other day that detailed a spare room for rent. She figured it was better than nothing, “It is nice.” She confirms as she looks over the pretty flowers and bushes.

She straightens the front of her dress out as she knocks, wanting to look as impressive as she could. She could feel the desperation rolling off of her and only hoped that she hid it well enough to get through this conversation. She felt her breath stalling in her chest at who she’s greeted with.

She does a double take, thinking she recognizes the man until she realizes she does. Sam. Her Sam. The one she’d dreamt of for so long to whisk her away from the hell she was living in. She paused as she leaned up on her elbows.

He didn’t look like a white knight. He looked rather rough actually. He had a hazy look in his eyes, slightly glossy as his lips curled into an awkward smile. His glasses kept sliding down his nose and his hair was untidy and slightly greasy.

“What can I do for you?” He asks in confusion, his voice groggy like he’d just rolled out of bed. Rosemary freezes, sure that he would recognize her but it’s clear that he doesn’t. She feels a fresh wave of disappointment settling in her.

“I’m here about the extra rooms,” Rosemary says slowly as she holds the newspaper up, “You know, the ones you’re renting out.” She references it just as slow, noticing the confusion in his eyes.

“That’s my moms doing,” Sam grumbled as he held the door open, “Come on in.” He holds the door open wide, wincing as he slams it against his foot. Rosemary gives Russell a look, begging him to stifle his laugh as they walk inside.

The house is cute, picturesque. It reminds her of the home that she had built once upon a time. Sadness leaks out of her broken heart once again as she thinks about Billy. She wonders what he’s doing, if he ever thinks about her as much as she thinks of him.

“It’s in this house?” She asks as she inhales deeply, although all she can smell is the cheap alcohol that’s rolling off of Sam. She begs her heart to keep a calm rhythm, not wanting to give away that she could break down into tears any second. Russell is looking around just as curiously, so she keeps a close eye on him to make sure he doesn’t disturb anything.

“The guest house,” Sam motions towards the back patio doors, “I live in the spare room here.” He says, brushing it off like it’s no big deal. Russell’s head shoots up as he walks over with a look of mischief on his features.

“Cool,” Russell said with a dopey grin, “How old are you? What?” He protested as Rosemary sent him a harsh look. She shook her head, begging him to be quiet. Sam cracks a grin, like he knows how to deal with kids.

“My mom’s up this way.” He says to them, stumbling as he walks up the stairs. Rosemary hesitates for a moment, unsure of what to think about him. She follows up anyways, keeping on edge until she’s relieved to see an older woman sitting up at a tea table.

Rosemary is offered the place immediately and she thinks it has more to do with Russell than anything else she presented. Sam’s mother is nice, but it’s clear that there’s tension between the two of them.

“Can I live with you when I’m that old?” She laughs at Russell’s question as she peers down at him. His hair is long, brushing past his shoulders as she pushes her fingers through his curly locks.

“Only if you want to,” She tells him seriously as he lays his head against her shoulder, “You may not want to by then.” She teases him softly. He scoffs, like it’s the most ridiculous thing she could’ve said.

/////////////////////

She sees a lot more of Sam after that. Many times they find him passed out in the grass, his face hidden away by the bushes. Rosemary sighed to herself, wondering how she’d managed to have such good taste in men.

“I like him,” Russell declared as he pressed his shoe against Sam’s shin, “Can we keep him?” Rosemary gapes at him, watching the way Sam’s body twitches but ultimately falls back asleep. She quickly shakes her head, dismissing the idea.

“Russell,” She shook her head as she pulled him away, “You’re going to wake him up.” She tells him quickly, thinking that she would be embarrassed if she woke up in this position. Russell just grins in response, obviously still thinking it’s funny.

“So we should keep him out here?” He asked her, sounding a little more serious this time around. Rosemary pauses for a moment, before she decides against it. She figures if Sam’s drinking habit is this bad, then he’s not a pleasant drunk.

“He’s not our responsibility,” She tells him softly, “Come on. You need to get ready for school.” She tugs him back inside, but spares one last glance at Sam as a sense of pity forms inside of her chest.

She still doesn’t know what to make of Sam, but figures he isn’t the worst person when he’s not stumbling through the backyard in a drunken stupor. He usually spends his afternoons helping Russell with his homework. She was quite amazed at his own large sense of information, liking the way he often rambles off into his own thoughts.

“I didn’t know you smoked.” She said curiously as she stepped outside towards him. She’d spotted him from her window and was surprised to see him not passed out in the yard. She wrapped her robe tighter around herself, her nightgown brushing against the dry grass as she joined Sam on the picnic table.

“Only when I’m not drinking,” He grumbled. He looked like he was sick, sicker than she had ever seen anybody before, “What are you doing?” He spit out a little awkwardly as he fumbled for another cigarette. She watched the way his hands shook.

“Thinking,” She told him honestly. She glanced at him before she spoke up again, figuring that Sam was unable to judge anyone, “There’s something I want to do, but I don't think I can.” She admitted as she pulled her knees up to her chest. She looked up at the bright moon, wondering if there was a way to count all of the craters that decorated it.

“Why?” Sam tilted his head, looking curious as he absorbed her words. She pressed her lips into a gentle smile, thinking that there was a lot on her mind. She started with the beginning, thinking that it would be easier.

“I never finished high school,” She tells him slowly, “I dropped out Sophomore year.” She didn’t mention Billy out of shame. Not from shame of having him, but rather the shame of leaving him. She feels sick to her stomach all over again and wonders if he’s looking up at the moon right now, the same way she is.

“Why don’t you finish school then?” Sam asks as he twists the last cigarette around between his fingertips. She watches for a second, unsure of how anyone could pick up such a stinky habit.

“I’m too old,” She says with a laugh, “There’s no point.” She shrugs her shoulders. Perhaps she could’ve when Billy was little, but there was no way she could do it now. She had no one to help her with Russell while she studied and worked at the same time.

“Of course there’s a point,” Sam shakes his head, looking at her with furrowed eyebrows, “Go finish your education. I can watch Russell if you need me too.” He shrugs his shoulders, like it’s not that big of a deal. She pauses, not wanting to be rude but also not really trusting Sam. She doesn’t want Russell to have to deal with a drunk on his own.

“I’ll think about it.” She says instead, brushing off his look as she continues to look up towards the moon. She’s figured that this will be her life from now on and only hopes that Russell can build something greater for himself.

“You know,” Sam started slowly, “Some people believe that if you leave a mason jar of water out in a full moon like this to give the water energy.” He explained softly as he lit his cigarette. She listened to his words but didn’t fully understand the point.

“I’ve never heard of that,” She told him, her eyebrows knitted together as she watched him curiously, “Sounds like it’s from a fairytale.” She tells him with a faint laugh, thinking it would be something she would’ve told Billy or Russell. She looks at him intrigued for a moment, wondering what happened to the daughter he’d mentioned so long ago.

“Maybe,” Sam agrees, “But why would that make it less true?” He asks her seriously and she ponders for a moment. She feels ridiculous as she returns to the house and does just what he says. She feels like a small child wishing on a shooting star, but she does it anyway. She wants a good future, she wants Billy back. She doesn’t want to struggle anymore. It’s a lot, but she hopes it works.

She found out that Sam is a lot easier to talk to when he’s sober, although he does ramble and talk to himself a lot of times. She finds herself watching him, intrigued by the way he knows the history of everything as he babbles on about something that is no longer related to the question she needed help with.

“You need to apologize to your daughters,” Rosemary says softly as she holds Russell’s head in her lap. Sam had been spending more and more time with them rather than in his parents house. She liked it this way, even if she didn’t tell him that, “I’m sure they miss you.” She watches the way his brown eyes dart away, like he’s not sure how to respond.

She hadn’t been meaning to snoop, but when he’d asked her to grab one of his former textbooks from his room she’d stumbled upon a mass of letters. It’s a thick pile with colorful envelopes. The handwriting is a neat cursive with little hearts decorated over the name.

At first, she feared it was from one of his former lovers until she opened it up. She only scanned a few lines until she realized it was from his daughter. Rosemary felt bad as she realized his daughter was writing and drawing to a man who wasn’t strong enough to write her back. She cried after, but not for Sam’s daughter. She’d cried for Billy because she wondered if he had done the same thing.

“I know,” He said softly as he finally turned to look at her, “I just don’t want to apologize and mess up again. I owe them so much, I want to make sure I’m there for them this time.” He admits before he’s turning away again. Sam is a tough shell to crack, but Rosemary doesn’t back down. She doesn’t want to be in the dark about things with him. She trusts him, even if she shouldn’t.

"You know," She finally finds the courage to speak again, "We've met before." She gnaws on her bottom lip, unsure of why she's so nervous suddenly. She feels like she's in high school again, like she actually has a crush. It's silly. She's too old to have crushes. She watches the way Sam's cheeks grow dark, how he tries to hide a smile before he's looking at her again.

"I thought maybe you were the one that didn't remember," He said slowly, his brown eyes warm and inviting. She felt her heart beating roughly against her rib cage as butterflies erupted inside of her stomach. She felt a giggle pouring free before she was able to stop it, truly feeling like a schoolgirl this time. She wasn't sure how he thought she could forget him, "What's funny?" He asked, knitting his eyebrows together as he watched her curiously.

"I just-," She paused for a moment, trying to think if her statement was worth saying, "I used to imagine us running off together. You'd take me far away on your white horse." She pushed her hair behind her neck so she could rest her palm on her cheek. Sam grinned.

"Right to my parents' house," He laughed softly, his long legs stretching out underneath her shorter ones. She breathed in deeply against his touch, craving the way he felt against her, "I was thinking, well I had a thought, you know if you'd be up to it-, Maybe you'd want to go out sometime? Like for dinner, as a date." He rambles on awkwardly for far too long, but Rosemary can't help the wide grin that forms on her lips. It was perhaps the worst way she'd ever been asked out, but she nodded her head anyways.

"Yeah," She felt like she was beaming suddenly, "I'd love to go on a date with you."

1985

“It’s right-,” Rosemary skips forward happily as she gestures towards the building. The bricks look like they’re fading, but Rosemary loves the giant windows that soak in the sunlight. She stares at it for a moment, resting her hands against her hips as she admires it, “Here.” She breathed out deeply, staring up in awe. She thinks that it's perfect.

“This building?” Sam looks at her curiously before glancing away again. He looked messy again, tapping his fingers together as he squinted his eyes in the sunlight. He’d been drinking a few weeks ago, but promised he was sober again.

She didn’t know why she kept allowing him back into her life, but she couldn’t stay away from him either. She never allowed him around Russell when he was like that. She didn’t think Russell deserved to see that when he thought so highly of Sam. She wasn’t sure what her and Sam were, but they were definitely more than friends. Four years had gone by, and she felt like she knew him better than she knew herself. He brought her flowers, which were always accustomed by facts and how he thought was the correct way to grow them. He'd take her out on dates occasionally, but for the most part he just stayed over with her. They'd gotten fairly good at sneaking around because of Russell.

She thought that maybe her feelings for Sam ran deeper because they were so seemingly molded together without knowing it. Sam was six years older than her, so even if she had moved to San Diego sooner the likelihood of bumping into him would've been small, but they had gone to the same high school. They also exclusively took their children to St. Georgie's Ice Cream parlor and had previous shitty marriages. Rosemary had even been ecstatic when she'd realized that one of Sam's daughters had attended one of Billy's preschool classes in the summer. She pinned up the picture, just in case.

“Yeah,” She knits her eyebrows together as she turns to him, “Why?” She asked, feeling defensive and worried at the same time. She thought the building was perfect, with a little sun awning on the outside where people could sit if they wanted. She already had it all figured out. From what the name would be to how she would have tables set up and the menu. She pressed her fingertips against the glass, looking inside at the dirty floors. It would be an easy fix.

“I didn’t say anything,” He holds his hands up defensively before he moves around to inspect it, “Good structure,” He mumbles like he knows what he’s talking about, “How much was it?” He asks again, making her spirits dampen a little bit. She hates being reminded that she's poor.

“Eight hundred,” She responds in dismay, “I’ve been saving up, but I have yet to meet the halfway goal.” She shrugs her shoulders, feeling a little defeated but quickly tries to pep herself up again. She’d been baking and working. She could get there; she knew she could. Sam moved back to give her hand a reassuring squeeze. She stared up at him, feeling a little better as his warm brown eyes flicked over her features.

“Huh.” Sam says softly, looking full of thoughts as he continued to look at the building. She caught herself smiling as she watched him, feeling grateful that he was just as committed to her ideas. She followed him around after a moment, but then grew bored as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He'd gained a bit of a stomach recently, but she didn't mind. He was still scrawny, just a little softer now.

“It’s alright,” She sighed deeply as she rested her cheek against his shoulder. He smiled knowingly at her before bending down to kiss her lips gently, “It’s just a silly dream.” She brushes it off, but still finds herself glancing over her shoulder at the brick building as they walk away.

///////////////////

“Can you drop this off at the house?” Rosemary asks, not even thinking as she hands Sam the envelope of money. She was overjoyed as she bounced from foot to foot. She had the meeting with the bank tomorrow and had high hopes that she’d finally get the loan she needed. Things seemed to finally be changing for the better, well for her at least. She still hadn't heard from Billy but hoped that this might be the right way to introduce her back into her life. She was so ashamed, so humiliated that she had stayed gone for so long. She hated herself for it and yet she couldn't find the courage to contact him again. The fear of being rejected weighed heavily on her heart. She was sure that by now Neil had turned him against her completely.

“Where do you want me to put it?” Sam asked curiously, his eyes darting around before he met her gaze again. She clasped her fingers as she leaned against the table, knowing she needed to get back to work. Sam was just too handsome to not talk to. He had been better this time around; his last slump had been his longest. She blamed it on his ex-wife leaving with his daughters, although she didn't know what to tell him either. He'd gambled away the past two lawyers and hardly ever answered their calls or letters. He never told her why, but she thought it was because he felt so ashamed too.

When she'd questioned him about why they were leaving, all he could respond with was that Susan had married again. Although Sam couldn't even remember her new husband's name. He had pondered over it for some time, before deciding that it must either be Neville or Ned. Rosemary couldn't even feel frustrated at his lack of remembrance. For as smart as he was, he couldn't remember anything to save his life. He was dumb, but he was her dummy.

“The cupboard by the stairs,” She sits up as she speaks, “In the third drawer, that’s where I keep all my tips.” She grins as she pats her palm against the table. She’s practically jumping as the excitement courses through her. Even while he's sitting and she's standing, he still seems to tower over her.

“What?” He looks towards her in confusion as he finishes the rest of his coffee. He slides the envelope into his pocket before he grips his pen and begins to work on his crosswords again. Rosemary watches intrigued how he always seems to know the answer. At one point she swore that he was cheating, fairly certain that no one could actually be that smart.

“That’s the amount I need,” She told him gleefully, “You know, to get my loan. I finally met the goal.” She can’t hide the squeal that leaves her mouth, feeling like a little kid once again as she speaks to him. He pauses, his eyes lighting up to match her excitement. She'd been talking about it the past few years, thinking that owning a bakery was something that she would actually enjoy. At least the struggle would be worth it.

By the next day the excitement is gone. She hadn’t seen Sam since the restaurant, which was unusual for him. When he returned the next morning, once Russell was off to school, she could tell what had happened. He’d relapsed again. She could smell the alcohol off of him before she could see him.

“You put it in here, right?” She’s frantically tossing items from the drawers, just to make sure that it’s not somewhere else. Gone, it’s all gone, “Sam, you put it in here, right?” She begs, pleading with him. He pauses, his eyes still glossy as he sways from side to side. She was neatly dressed but the more she searched for the money the more her hair and clothes slowly became messier and messier.

“I thought I could get you more.” He says at last, a look of regret crossing his features. She steadied herself by gripping a hand across the counter, her eyebrows knitting tightly together as she shook her head. She prayed that she heard him wrong, that he was lying.

“Oh my God,” She covers her mouth with her shaking hand, unable to hide the sob that rushed forward. All those years, all the money. Gone, just like that, “Please tell me you didn’t. You’re joking, this is a joke right?” She asked, searching for any reassurance from him. She got none.

“I’m sorry, Rosemary,” Sam breathed out softly, “I’m so sorry.” He said again, his brown eyes beginning to fill with emotion. She shut her eyes tightly, feeling so stupid to think that she could trust anyone but herself. She knew what Sam’s issues were and she openly invited him to drink and gamble her money away. This was her fault, all hers.

“I just-,” She inhales deeply, “I don’t want to see you right now.” She told him softly, trying to keep herself from sobbing. She felt so sick. Just when everything seemed to be getting better, it had to get worse again.

“Rose-.”

“Please,” She tells him a little forcefully, “Please, go.” She held a hand out towards him, unable to look at him as she continued to blink tears away. She waited until he was gone before she broke down. She didn’t understand what she had done to deserve all of this.

It took a week before she was able to properly look at Sam again. She decided that there was no reason to ponder on it anymore. If it wasn’t meant to happen, it wasn’t meant to happen. Sam may have gambled her money away, but she couldn’t stay away from him. She cared for him, more than she thought she even realized. She already knew that it was Sam's addiction, not him. It was a hard concept for her to grasp, but she knew differently he would act. He had seemed surprised that she had wanted anything to do with him at all and she couldn't fully explain it to him either. The trust wasn't all there, but it wasn't gone either.

“I got some of the money,” Sam says to her one day, “You know, for the bakery.” She looked up at him, raising an eyebrow in confusion. He’d been sober for the longest she’d ever seen him and had been working odd jobs for the longest time. However, she didn’t think he’d been able to save up that much in such a short amount of time.

“What?” She glanced up towards him in confusion, “How?” She didn’t mean to sound so stern, but it came off that way. She didn't want to hear that he had been gambling again and actually won. She began to grow worried, knowing that it would only make his addiction that much worse. He paused for a moment before he spoke.

“I asked my daughter,” Sam said with a soft smile, “She said she’d send me some.” He still speaks as if it’s no big deal. She feels like her eyes are bugging out of her head as she stares at him in disbelief. She's speechless for a moment, wishing that he had said he'd been gambling instead.

“Samuel,” Rosemary felt her jaw going slack, “Tell me you didn’t.” She begs of him, worried that he had truly called one of his daughters for that reason. He furrowed his eyebrows, looking at her confused.

“What do you mean?” He asked, full of curiosity like he had done nothing wrong. She groaned into her hands, shaking her head in total disbelief. She wondered how men could be so stupid.

“You haven’t talked to her in how long and when you do, you ask for money?” She asked him seriously, hoping that her words sunk into him. He opened his mouth and then shut it, like realization was drawing in around him. Her heart broke a little bit for Kim, figuring that she must've been the one he asked. Max was about two years older than Russell, not nearly old enough to work yet. He always spoke of the two girls in a different way, both out of love, but the way he spoke about Kim was much more delicate. She was the one with the pretty handwriting and the neat little doodles that he'd proudly show off to her. She remembered that Max liked to mineral hunt with him. He'd also mentioned that Max may not be his but promised that it didn't change the way he felt about her.

“That wasn’t the only thing we talked about.” He muttered, like he was trying to defend himself. She scoffed and shook her head, feeling as if a migraine was beginning to settle over her. She hadn't had one in a while but felt like this situation was stressful enough to bring it on overnight.

“Thank you,” She told him softly once she was able to look at him again, “But I can’t take your daughter's money. You ran off with the money, not her. You need to apologize.” She tells him a little sternly because she means every word. She could only imagine how she’d feel if her parents finally contacted her, and it was only to ask for money. She had an urge to call Kim herself and apologize for Sam's behavior.

“I will.” He sighed as he clasped his fingers together and sat down. She knew what that meant though. He wouldn’t say anything and would hope that this would breeze past. She shook her head but knew that she hadn’t done much better with Billy.

Things slowly progress back to normal, well as normal as Sam allows for things to get. Rosemary can clearly tell that he still feels bad for what happened, but she no longer cares. She knows what he did was dumb, but she had already forgiven him. It was time to move on. Things do slowly until the previous situation is just a distance memory. When she reaches her goal this time, she doesn't share the money with Sam. She doesn't hide it in the same area either. It makes her feel guilty, but she knows she needs to be safe about it too.

“I know, I know I’ve made mistakes,” Sam gulped, looking at Rosemary with soft brown eyes. She looked towards him curiously, her hair messy after the long shift she'd just had. Sam no longer stayed inside of his parents' house, rather he stayed in the tiny house with her and Russell, “I shouldn’t have stolen from you. I really have changed and I’m willing to prove that to you.” The ring he presented to her was far different than the one Neil gave her. Neil’s had been small, an afterthought, she was sure. Sam’s ring was golden, with a medium sized band to hold up the rather large diamond. It was an oval shape, with four smaller gemstones on each side of it.

“You’re drunk.” She told him in disbelief, having no idea what she was going to say. She hadn’t expected this of him, not at all. She felt like her chest was tight, like she might break down into tears of joy. His proposal was random, completely rash as she looked towards him in a stunned silence. She could tell by the look on his face that he'd been pouring over this for a long time.

“I haven’t drank in two weeks,” Sam replied with a tight grin, “It’s terrible, it sucks but I’m doing it for us. I want to be the man you deserve, someone you’re proud of. Please, let me make it up to you.” She shook her head, staring at the ring as he observed her nervously. Her mouth opened then shut again. She had no idea what to say, or how to say it.

“You want to marry me?” She asked him slowly, waiting for him to tell her that this was some cruel joke. She was sure that Neil only wanted to marry her because he thought he could control her. She didn’t know what she could possibly offer to Sam.

“I do,” He confirmed with a nod of his head, “Unless you don’t want to. I’d understand. I’m just happy being with you.” He rambled off for a moment, looking even more nervous as he awaited her response. She grinned as she leaned forward and cupped his scratchy face. She kissed him sweetly, slowly.

“I want to marry you too,” She promised him as she pulled away, feeling moved by the emotions that were displayed in his eyes, “You’re not allowed to leave me.” She told him sternly, her fingertips caressing the curve of his lips. He laughed between his own tears but nodded his head in agreement, giving her a silent promise.

They marry not long after, maybe a week. She doesn’t even care about wearing white or any of that. All she cares about is being happy with Sam. Russell is overjoyed and she swears that Sam’s mom even looks to be a bit happy. They're not perfect, but they're happy. She still thinks that Sam is the most handsome man that she's ever seen, and she never tires of his endless rambling and all of the random facts that he has hidden away.

“You never let me ask about dad,” Russell said slowly one afternoon, “Which is fine, but you and Sam are together now so-,” He cuts himself off like he’s trying to figure out the right way to phrase his question, “Can I call him dad?” She's surprised at first, but ultimately a smile forms on her lips. She knew that Sam wasn't perfect, but he had been good to Russell. He had given Russell a father figure when he'd never had one.

“If you want to,” She tells him honestly as she feels tears welling into her eyes, “I think he’d like that.” She nods her head, feeling like things were slowly falling more and more into place. Russell nods, looking more excited as he bounds off to share the news to Sam. Rosemary sits back for a moment, wondering if Billy would've liked Sam too. She gulps hard, wishing she could have her other little boy back.

It takes three weeks for the bakery to get set up. The whole time Rosemary is bursting in excitement, feeling like something was finally going her way. When they publish ads in the newspaper, she wonders if Billy will see it. She hopes that he will, that he’ll find a way to come back to her.

It doesn’t take long until she’s signing a lease with Sam, that they have their own house that’s near the beach. It takes a while to get the proper furniture, and everything moved in, but it feels more like home than she's felt in a long time. Sam begins growing a garden and documenting the various plants, insects and animals that inhabit the dirt. She doesn't understand it, but he says it keeps him busy. She's happy with that.

"Are you boys hungry?" She shouts out, the nape of her neck still wet from sweat. The AC unit had gone out again and for the most part the house stayed cool, until the sun was pointed in the perfect direction.

"I am," Russell was the first one up, his long blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail. His cheeks were red as he walked towards Rosemary. She nodded towards the kitchen, making sure he washed his dirty hands off first, "Yeah, yeah." He grumbled, already knowing what Rosemary wanted him to do. Sam walked a few paces behind him, his hands even dirtier.

"Look," Sam held out his hand, showing a butterfly with large orange wings sitting on his finger. She peered at it curiously, thinking that it looked a lot like the one Neil had once gifted her, "It's a Mylitta Crescent." He said, sounding quite proud of how easily he identified it. The butterfly fluttered its wings but continued to sit on Sam's finger. She wrinkled her eyebrows up, hoping that she wouldn't witness Sam tear it up the way Neil had.

"Oh, it's pretty," She agreed softly, liking how the sun reflected in Sam's dark eyes, "You're not really gonna tear those wings off are you?" She asked, furrowing her eyebrows together even tighter as she thought about how badly it must hurt the poor butterfly. Sam's expression dropped; his brown eyes wide with confusion.

"Tear the wings off?" Sam looked grief stricken for a second, "Why would I do that? It's too pretty to keep locked up, it deserves to be free." He said softly, looking deep in thought as the butterfly fluttered off of his finger. Rosemary watched him curiously, still feeling like he surprised her every day. Her features relaxed as she knew that Sam was too sweet to ever do anything cruel to her.

It’s almost perfect. She shakes like a leaf as she drives where she used to live with Neil, determined that nothing can keep her away from Billy anymore. The worst he can do is reject her, but then at least she can live with herself in knowing that she actually tried. She’s heartbroken when she’s discovered that a new family is living there. The whole street looks different, like someone had washed all of the other tenants far away. No one remembers Neil or Billy. She realizes for the first time that she was far too late, that if she wanted to find Billy that she had waited too long.

She doesn’t expect to find him in her living room, staring up at the not so little boy she’d been missing for so long. He’d grown, but she was happy to know that she could still spot him despite how many years had grown between the two of them. He still looked like her, still had his bright blue eyes and long dirty blonde hair. His expression was stoic, remaining hardened and unreadable as she stepped towards him.

“Billy,” She breathed out, a million thoughts racing in her mind, but she ignored them all. All she could do was focus on him, “You’ve come home.” She told him softly, feeling like her world was slowly starting to heal again.

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove smut #billy hargrove x oc #billy hargrove stepcest #tw stepcest #tw pseudocest #billy hargrove x original character #stepcest #Dancing in the Dark #Billy Hargroves mother #Billy Hargroves mom

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themarginalthinker · 8 months

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Tlb question for you! How do you think the boys met/turned into vampires? 👀

Oh boy, this is gonna get a little Long, lmao.

So, a preface: when we talk about the Boys in pretty much any of our works relating to the canon, we're using these basic 'universe rules' - ie, this is going to be their backstory for anything we write, unless specifically stated otherwise, the rules of the worldbuilding of our universe is what we're assuming.

Also, sorry if I don't include details or it seems like I'm missing things? I hope I'm getting this across. All their backstories are complicated, and some things make more sense in the story, but if you have any other questions, feel free to ask!

Alright, that aside:

Also - realized that this. Never sent?? Sorry about that too. Here you go!

David Williams: Appearance: 19, Year of death: 1879.

David was the son of farmers and those settlers pushing into the northern Great Plains just after the American Civil War. David was living in what would become Colorado (which was then literally just the Colorado Territory) when his parents both pass, leaving him and his sister Rebecca, only a year younger than him, on their own. David, being no one from no where, with few skills other than how to farm, ranch, and train horses, as well as having fairly disruptive dyslexia, cannot provide for the two of them much. Rebecca gets married to a wealthier man looking for a wife and leaves, David and her promising they'll see each other by next Christmas, when David has some money saved. That is the last time David ever sees her.

Not long after the separation, David does indeed try to get the money...and gets desperate, losing most everything in the process, turning more and more to petty crime to get by, until he messes with the wrong gang and it comes to a head. They chase him, shoot at him (our David's left hand is actually quite fucked up from being shot through just before his turning.) David ducks into an alley to hide, and something decides that this human will do.

Max has been in America for a little bit, and despite it being touted as 'the great frontier', he's found it actually rather full of other vampires already. Max wants a brood, for his own future plans, and well, no time like the present, no place like the here and now. David was simply...convenient. Nothing special. Just a checkmark on Max's to-do list.

But he becomes so much more as the years go on, and David suffers for all his sire's 'love.' For some of what that looks like, read the drabble 'Whiteout'.

Dwayne: Appearance: 20, Year of death: 1900.

Dwayne, as you may have seen, has no last name. This is because Dwayne doesn't use the English surname that was forced upon him, and only used the English first name because he quite literally cannot remember his birth name. Dwayne was born to the Haida people of the island groups off the coast of what is now British Columbia Canada. He was taken from his family and sent to a residential school. Dwayne doesn't speak much of any part of this time of his life, though the scars, both physical and mental, remain to this day.

Dwayne too was somewhat on the lam when he was turned. Dwayne at the time was running people and goods places, usually outside of the law, across country borders, or with few questions asked. They paid him, and that's what mattered. He was then paid, one night, by a young man with strawberry blond hair and the palest eyes Dwayne thinks he's ever seen, to run him away from here. As far as Dwayne and the dollars he pays are willing to take him.

Dwayne does, because he never asks questions, and he tries to take the boy, whose name he learns is David, wherever he wants.

Long story short, because we ARE trying to save a little for the story lol, Dwayne is intercepted by Max, looking for his runaway Childe, and the rest is sorta unfortunately history. Dwayne to Max is...a punishment for David, ie 'look at how you cursed this one with your bad decisions' and also now something to hold over David's head. 'I gave you someone to keep you company, a friend, a brother, a broodmate, and I can take him away just as easily.'

Dwayne will always think that letting him live was Max's greatest mistake.

Jasper Kelly, ie, Thorn: Appearance: 19, Year of death: 1935.

This one gets a little fun, because we get to play around with a character who was only in the scripts, but we do turn into an incarnation of a movie character - Max's dog.

Jasper, ie Thorn as he prefers to call himself, is the son of people living in a Hoovertown in the Great Depression - which is to say, a fantastic hunting ground for vampires. Slight problem with this however: Thorn isn't a human.

Nope! See, here's where the fun worldbuilding stuff comes in. Berd and I decided that if vampires exist in this world, well, so too must other creatures, it's only fair. So - werewolves. I'll spare you our version of them, but long-story short, they can change at will, into full wolf shape, but Thorn can't. Thorn, as it turns out, is hit with like, the most recessive of recessive genes whammy, and he cannot shift! On top of that, he's an orphan, so all throughout his childhood, he kept getting shuffled from house to house, whoever would take him.

Thorn believes his ability to turn into a big blond-white 'dog', is just his special vampire power, and in a way he's right. But it's actually from the fact he was a non-shifting werewolf.

Paul Harris: Appearance: 19, Year of death: 1957.

Paul is a preacher's son, born in Massachusetts and having spent all 19 years of his living life there. Paul was raised a good son. An obedient son. A dutiful servant of God and his father. Paul is the oldest child and only boy out of six other children. (Paul sometimes, when he's drunk and in his caustic moods, comments that 'if his mother hadn't nearly died pushing out the last one, the old man would never have climbed off her...')

For all that though, Paul's life was one of undiagnosed (it was the 50s) emotional and learning problems, and while he remains so, we headcanon it's likely Bipolor, or adhd with extreme mood swings, which wasn't helped with the Protestant upbringing and homelife.

Paul meets David, Dwayne, and Thorn when they roll into town under Max, who is there for his own business. David takes a shining to Paul not so unlike how he will in the future with Michael, the pair falling pretty damn fast and pretty damn hard. David can see Paul as something that wants to break out, knows the glorious creature that he could unleash, and Paul is desperate to break his own choking lead. 'The Taste of Butter' drabble here should give you a fair idea of what that looked like ;) Paul is murdered-but-it-didn't-stick by his own father, and kills the man for his first kill.

Paul is, however, not Max's Childe. He's David's. His first one, and the tension between David and Max is starting to pull..rather taught.

Marko Bianchi: Appearance: 18, Year of death: 1980

I know the fandom is split down the middle with Marko being the baby of the pack, and Marko being David's second in command and second oldest, but aaaa we chose this! Marko is a child of the 70s and 80s, and queerer than a 3 dollar bill to boot. His father died when he was younger, and his mother remained single and raised him through his teen years very well, though not without Trouble. As the child of first-generation immigrants, and again, deciding to be fairly open about his orientation, Marko was...targeted for a lot of stuff. He learned to bite before a strike, so to speak.

It comes to a head, however, when Marko discovers that as many unfortunate people in the Community did, he caught the virus. And it terrified him like nothing else in this world.

Cue the blonde stranger - Paul. Now, Paul at this point for Story Reasons, is on his own in San Jose, a town close to Santa Carla, and set his sights on Marko. He's drawn to him, and Paul goes with the whims of fate. Marko doesn't know who Paul is, or why he doesn't leave when Marko tells him what's up, or why he keep encouraging all of the worst tendencies in Marko, but he does.

A bad night, a bad fight some idiots picked with the pair (though trust me, there's a lot more to it than that), and Marko becomes Paul's Childe.

A little drabble associated with this is this one, where Marko is. Contemplating things.

Anyway,,,, sorry it's so long! As I said before, Berd and I are writing our Lost Boys masterfic YCCM, and these backstories will all be fully filled in with time, and likely make a bit more sense. Thank you for the ask, and if you have any more questions, just ask!

#the lost boys #yccm

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tododeku-or-bust · 8 months

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can we see one for kairos and calix, please? i love learning about your characters!

Dawww, of course you can, boo!!! Thank you for the support!!! Let me get this down for you!

Same idea for Modern AUs!

Name: Kairos

Nickname: Kai, my inspiration, the melody of my heart, my beloved child, my beautiful baby boy

Gender: Male

Star sign: Stubborn Taurus ♉

Personality type: observant, intuitive, snarky, fretful, loving. Cold when he's upset.

Height: 5'5

Orientation: Gay, potentially aro

Nationality/Ethnicity: Afro-Greek (he's just light skinned lmao)

Favorite fruit: Plums! They fit his aesthetic and he likes the taste. He carries them in one of his many pockets.

Favorite season: Winter. He likes to wear layers!

Favorite scent: fresh paint, and the lemony smell of his parents home studio, petrichor

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: coffee; he started drinking it jet black to feel cool, and got into the habit. Part of his "artist aesthetic" vibe. Tbh he likes creamer in it too, for the days he's not feeling so hip (which is most days).

Average hours of sleep: 5-6 (sometimes when he gets caught up in a project, he gets less. Which makes the coffee come in handy)

Dogs or cats: bugs! Kai loves bugs!

Dream trip: Kai wants to play the lute in Venice, on one of the gondolas. It's an admittedly specific goal, but he's always wanted that carefree, bard traveling the streets experience. Without the starving artist portion. Alas 🤣 he also wants to visit museums around the world.

Number of blankets: he's got quite a few hand crocheted and quilted by his mother that he won't ever get rid of.

Random fact: Kairos' hair is vines and leaves in the Hades AU, but in modern AUs, lately I've been imagining his hair as locs, they're just tied back into a bun all the time. I've also pictured it as just fluffy curls, always in the ponytail. He also likes to wear very long, sturdy jean/khaki skirts with lots of additional pockets. It's his outfit of choice, to carry all the random shit he'll have on hand as inspiration.

Name: Calix

Nickname: he actually doesn't have any!

Gender: Male

Star sign: Petty Gemini ♊🤣

Personality type: bold, boisterous, charming, funny. Can be hotheaded and a little mean with his sharp tongue.

Height: 6'0

Orientation: bisexual!!

Nationality/Ethnicity: as of the other day, Turkish!

Favorite fruit: I was gonna say apples, but my phone said peaches. So you know what? Now it's peaches 🤣 Calix do love him some As- *knocked out of my chair*

Favorite season: Summer. They used to go to their horse farm in the countryside during the summer for visits, as well as seeing the rest of his very large family, so he has fond memories of the season

Favorite scent: firewood, Philia's body wash (a coconut/sweet tropical sort of scent)

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: coffee; he and Kai will share tips and brands

Average hours of sleep: 5-6

Dogs or cats: dogs!

Dream trip: to be honest, it's a petty dream of his to sweep Philia off her feet in front of her petty ass Daddy and drive off into the sunset in a convertible. He doesn't care where they go, he just wants to 1) marry Phi and make her happy and 2) see the look on Achilles' face.

Number of blankets: like 2, though he starts buying more when he realizes they make Phi more comfortable

Random fact: Calix is smitten with Phi the first time they meet in every universe. But they always get held back by the classic friends to lovers "I don't know if I can tell you yet because I don't want you to run away", as Philia is always... Well, she's not quite there yet with him. Permanent romance isn't what's most important on her plate. They flirt the entire time, with others and with each other, but Phi takes longer than he does to really come to terms with her emotions for him. He's going to wait, he's going to simp for life. Kai has to see this shit in front of his salad in every universe.

#ask #anon #my OCs #this was a LOT but im very happy

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topazadine · 1 month

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Siblings and Questions Tag!

Thank you for the tag, @mysticstarlightduck! Your post was lovely, especially the part about your characters' worst habits.

We'll look at Cerie and Uileac, because of course we will.

1. Who looks the most like Dad?

Cerie, actually. Papa Seorus had a rougher look about him.

2. Who looks the most like mom?

Uileac. Mama Caoimhe was a very slender, foxish woman, and Uileac has her angular bony figure.

3. Who eats the most?

Uileac lol. I mean, it makes sense; he spends most of his day riding and training, so of course he's going to need more fuel than lazy-ass Cerie.

4. Who has been in the weirdest situations?

Cerie to be sure. Later on in The Eirenic Verses she is kidnapped by their country's mortal enemy, Sina, and forced to help them. Uileac's shenanigans cannot compare.

5. Who sleeps the most?

Cerie. She's such a useless lesbian. Uileac is up at the crack of dawn, a very Type A person, whereas Cerie would nap all day if you let her.

7. Most stable romantic life?

Uileac. He's been with his partner Orrinir since they were 18, whereas Cerie just kinda ... gets around a lot in her teens/early adulthood. Not to the extent where Uileac will have to chastise her, but some flings here and there.

8. Worst habit of each one?

Cerie: Acting like a martyr and thinking she has to do everything by herself, even though Uileac and her brother-in-law Orrinir would always help her if she needed it. Uileac: Stubbornness and pride. He can't handle any damage to his reputation.

9. Who's the most dramatic?

Neither of them are very dramatic in general, but I'd have to say Cerie. She can howl like a dying animal if she has the least bit of discomfort whatsoever lmao.

10. Who had a weird phase?

I guess Cerie? I don't think either of them really had a weird phase, to be honest. But Cerie definitely had a defiant teenage angst phase.

11. Best cook of the family?

Both of them are shit cooks and hate doing it. If Uileac's husband, Orrinir, was not there to feed them, both of them would die. However, if you put a sword to their throat and forced them to cook, Uileac's food would probably not kill you.

12. Best memory together?

Probably Uileac's wedding to Orrinir. They danced all night, got super drunk, and then came home to their brand new house in Goldnin <3 Of course Cerie was allowed to live with the newlyweds. Wasn't even a question.

13. Worst memory together?

Their parents dying in the raid on the family farm in Quirnis. I'll let Uileac take it away with his explanation from Funeral of Hopes:

14. Dream trip together

Heading out to The Windswept, where the nomadic tribes of Breme still do their typical nomadic things. Uileac has always wanted to get a Windswept pony because they're much sturdier than the horses one can get in the settlements (sorry, Erix, it's true). Cerie wants to hear their oral traditions and learn more about their folk religions to better understand how it differs from High Poetry. She's also always wanted to meet people from the Seinn tribe, which produced the first saint of her religion, Saint Luridalr. Being strictly nomadic, the Seinn don't visit the Bremish settlements like some of the other tribes do.

15. Would you rather not be able to shower for a month or have the same clothes for a month?

Cerie: Shower. She could probably deal with having the same clothes for a month, though she'd complain about it the whole time. Uileac: Same clothes. No one said you couldn't wash them, right? He'll just go naked for a lil bit.

16. Who's the older one?

Uileac is older by about four years.

17. Describe each other in three words

Cerie would describe Uileac as: Prideful, composed, protective Uileac would describe Cerie as: Stubborn, intelligent, loyal

18. Role model?

Cerie's role model is her mentor, Irith Druidinn. Irith has been her teacher since she was incredibly young and has taught her everything she knows about High Poetry. She hopes to be half the poet that her teacher is. Uileac's role model is their late father, Papa Seorus. He strives to always make his father proud, but unfortunately, he doesn't really know what his father would consider honorable, given that Papa Seorus died when Uileac was just 11.

19. Who usually has the worst ideas?

One would think it would be Cerie, given that she's younger and more stubborn, but it's actually Uileac. His bad ideas are generally about protecting his reputation and/or his loved ones, which doesn't always mesh well with what he's supposed to be doing.

20. A GIANT insect is on the wall, who's taking care of it?

Uileac for sure. Cerie is screaming and waving her arms as if that will make the bug go away. Meanwhile, Uileac is pulling out his bow and trying to do a trick shot. A moving target! How exciting! (Hey, you said it was GIANT, definitely big enough for him to hit.) Then, of course, Cerie yells at him for shooting a fucking arrow through the wall while he shrugs and says it's good practice. Never know when the Sinans might learn to harness insect warriors. If he misses, the hubbub has attracted Orrinir, who does the intelligent thing and takes it outside.

If you enjoyed this, maybe you'll consider purchasing 9 Years Yearning, which is all about Cerie and Uileac growing up <3 There are some really cute scenes of them together.

Tag list: @kuebiko-writing @ryns-ramblings @cain-e-brookman @halfbit @macabremoons and Open Tag!

#writing tag game #tag games #tag meme #siblings #writing stuff #original characters #original character #original fiction #original story #fantasy fiction #creative writing #my writing #fiction writing #tumblr writing community #writing #am writing #writeblr #writing life

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nobedofroses · 2 years

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Day 30: Glory Hole

pairing: Pero Tovar x fem!reader

warnings: p-in-v sex ment, blowjob ment, cunnilingus ment, Pero gets hard

words: 865

a/n: i found this prompt EXTREMELY DIFFICULT so i changed it up lmao

Last, Full List, Next

🎃🎃🎃

It was a big adjustment, being married. Having grown up the daughter of a shopkeeper with ties to the clergy, you had been pretty sheltered and lived your life by the rules of the church. It was maybe why you ended up married to an ex-mercenary who had originally meant to just pass through town. But one night you and your parents had been walking through town and had been accosted by some drunkards looking to at best rob you and at worst attack you and your mother. A man, Pero, came to all three of your rescues, and when he was injured in the process, your parents had insisted he recuperate at their house.

Three weeks later, you had been wed in the very front room he had been staying in. Necessary and allowed only because the two of you had been caught kissing with his hand halfway up your skirts in said front room by your uncle.

You had been thrilled to marry him, immediately taken with the big, strong, handsome man that had been your savior and had a dark and mysterious past. Pero hadn’t felt any regret, only a little surprise that this was how the two of you ended up married. He had been half planning your elopement for a few weeks later, after convincing you of his commitment first, of course.

The two of you did leave, finding your own place and way to live, which ended up being a half-day's journey away by horse. It was a little farm where you could learn to grow vegetables and fruit and raise chickens while Pero raised horses, something he knew from his childhood.

It was slow-going to start, but the two of you were happy. Pero had had some money saved from his last commission and you had a (tiny) dowry from your parents. That helped the two of you rent the land and get established, but it was a lot of hard work, everyday.

Luckily, you had each other to relax after a long day, and Pero had shown you time and time again just how good a husband and wife lying together could feel. He had even shown you how standing up could feel, and bending over…

And his mouth! He used his mouth and it was wonderful and he seemed to like it just as much as you did. Which made you wonder if you would like using your mouth on him the same way. It sounded appealing, and you kept expecting Pero to tell you how, but he never did.

One afternoon, when you were having tea with another married woman in the village, Phoebe, who was quickly becoming your very good friend, you decided to ask her about it. It was an exceedingly awkward conversation, but you found out that most men did not ask their wives to perform such a task, having only experienced or heard about it from those who sold their time and preferred the anonymity of a wall between them and their customers. But Phoebe also told you that she had tried it a few times in the past and was not in a hurry to try it again. She did recommend he take a fresh bath beforehand, though.

The next time that you were in a curious mood when Pero was getting out of the tub, you sat on the edge of the bed and watched him dry off. Watching his manhood in particular, something you hadn’t actually spent much time looking at before.

Pero noticed you looking in his direction, and then he smiled slyly when he followed your line of sight to his cock. Just with the attention of your eyes, he started to harden, and when you saw that, you let out a cute little, “oh!” that made him even harder.

He stalked over to you, dropping the towel onto a chair, and was ready to nudge you further up the bed when you spoke.

“Have you ever been with a lady of the night through a wall?” you blurted out, looking at his chest rather than his face.

Completely nonplussed, it took a few seconds before Pero even had an idea of what you were asking, “Do you mean when there is a hole in the wall and she uses her mouth?”

You nodded silently, and Pero hummed.

“Why, princesa? Why do you want to know?”

“Because— because I want to know what it’s like to touch you there with my mouth. To taste you,” your voice dropped to near a whisper with the last words. But Pero could tell you meant it, and his cock twitched as he let out a sharp breath.

“If you would truly like to, princesa, I would be greatly pleased,” touching under your chin so you would look at him. When you did, he gave you a sweet, chaste kiss. You pressed your lips to his, wanting a longer one, and less chaste.

Pero moved closer, his warm, hard cock pressing into your thigh and you reached down to grasp it lightly. He moaned against your mouth and you pulled back to ask him, your eager eyes trained on his enough to make him moan again, “And you’ll teach me?”

🎃🎃🎃

#pero tovar #pero tovar x reader #smut #ish #spooky smut 22 #blurb #nobedofroses

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kuwupikaa · 6 months

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Tagged by @applescabs thankyouu <3

Are you named after anyone?

No, I'm told my parents thought really long about my name until my mom woke up in the middle of the night and suddenly just knew.

When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday lmao, after finishing gankutsuou. (And saturday after watching an ep of gankutsuou, and last wednesday when I went to see the Aida musical...)

Do you have kids?

Nope, maybe someday maybe not.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not really, when I'm in a certain mood with friends then yes but otherwise I just say what I mean.

What sports do you play?

I have a horse so horseriding, aside from that I don't really do sports. I used to do sailing until I was 16, and now I do it ocassionally with a friend or with my dad, and I used to do streetdance when I was little. I do love to hike though! Always loved the adventurous vacations my parents used to take me n my siblings on and we'd go for hikes through forests and mountains, I'd love to do that again sometime.

What's the first thing you notice about people?

I'm not sure actually, the way people talk maybe? I often pay attention to eye color as well for some reason.

What's your eye color?

Brown, a little darker than my dad and a little lighter than my brother :)

Scary movies or happy endings?

Both? I like all kinds of movies. Though I never watch scary movies alone lmao no fun in getting scared if you can't laugh about it with someone else. Happy endings always make me very emotional, especially if it's done well. Tho endings in general are pretty emotional to me, no matter if it's happy or not.

Any special talents?

Remembering song lyrics! If there's a song that I, anywhere in my life, knew completely, there's a big chance I still do. I learn pretty quick too, considering I memorized a song from the aida musical last week in like. 3 days. (I do have to mention those were a few days of non stop listening to it)

Where were you born?

Netherlands! Specifically a very small town in north Holland, all the way at the top of the province. It's located above sea level on what used to be an island up until about 200 years ago, and now that I've moved out I live in a different small town on that same island (like 3 km from my parents house).

What are your hobbies?

Drawing, reading, listening to music and picking out background instruments, playing piano (tho I don't do it so often anymore), watching anime, playing games (esp totk and genshin atm) and I really enjoy being outside with my dog or my horse or just being in nature in general.

Do you have any pets?

My sweet puppy hannah (she's 5 and huge but still forever a puppy), my cats samson and gert (named after a belgium tv show for kids) and me and my sister have two horses named mira and april. Mira is almost 24 and deep deep inside really sweet but can be kinda mean on the outside and april is almost 13 and loves cuddling :). I'm almost everyday at my parents house so I think those pets count too, so there's billie and borre (two dogs), kebab and bobbie (sheep), scooby (cat who is 10? Older? Idk) and the 5 chickens who don't really have names so we just call them "the chickies". Also Teddie's cat tijger is staying with me atm and he's a cutie :).

How tall are you?

1 meter 68, which I'm totally fine with. Tho it is a little weird that my little brother who's 7 years younger is taller than me now.

Favorite subject in school?

I didn't really have one tbh, but if I had to choose probably english? That one was the easiest for me so I didn't mind it.

Dream job?

My dream is to live on a small farm consisting of a little house with some property around it for my animals, and to spend my days doing my silly hobbies and spending a lot of time outside walking my dog or riding my horse. So whatever job I can do that makes enough money and enough free time :) I'd pass away before working a fulltime job tbh. I'm studying rn so maybe I can set smth up for myself once I have my diploma, but idk yet.

Whoever wants to do this too consider yourself tagged!!

#this was fun thankyou ted <3

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strawberry-jammers · 3 years

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One year

a dreamsmp x reader where a young (y/n) wants to rebuild an old old kingdom before they have to be crowned to rule over their parents kingdom. with the help of their friends and a couple of servants, they hope to rebuild it all with out their parent knowing about it.

part one part 2 part 3

part 2/?

masterlist

The lovely @acidicvolt edited this!

this part is just traveling and fluff lmao. it'll pick up in the others <3

this series is so much fun to write, I'm really enjoying it

word count: 2,215

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It had reached midnight, the sun long gone and nearly everyone in the castle was asleep, except for three. Karl and Niki made their way to the teens room, which was at the opposite end of the castle.

"Are you sure the king’s asleep? They have been on edge as of late…” Niki said, walking alongside Karl. Karl nods, clutching the bag he always wore.

“Yeah, checked and everything. He's out like a light.”

Niki nods, sighing. “Thank god he sleeps on the other side of the castle. We'd be dead if he found out we were helping his kid like this.”

Karl nods again, looking ahead at where they were going.

In the young teens room, everything was prepared for their expedition. They packed appropriate clothes to sneak around, fight and blend in with. They had food, tools/weapons, along with the letters, money, and the lmanburg page. They were ready and excited to embark on this adventure.

Niki quietly knocks on the door, opening it a crack. Seeing that (y/n) was alone, she walks in, followed by Karl who closes the door behind them. (y/n) sighed, thankful it wasnt Eret.

“So, you know the plan?” they ask.

Niki nods, holding onto her own bag.

"Okay, I'm staying behind to tell the king you two went on a camping trip for the next year or so. Somewhere in the middle of the woods where he can't check in to see where you are." Karl says to the two of them.

"Thank you again Karl for doing that. " (y/n) says, leading Niki to their window. "Niki, you know enough of the plan right?" They asked, grabbing the ladder they had in case they ever needed to escape.

"Yeah. We're heading to Tommy’s castle first right?" She asked, watching as (y/n) opened their window. A soft breeze entered the room.

"Yep! Then we'll try to find Tubbo. Ready?" (y/n) said, hooking the ladder to the window and throwing it out the castle, trying to not make a noise.

(y/n) looked down. It wasn't too high up, but it was still a bit scary. They looked back at the two servants, nodding. “Karl, when we reach the ground, bring the ladder back up and close the window. I'll go first. Again, thank you Karl, see you in a year!” with that, (y/n) climbed out the window onto the ladder. the two servants nodded, Niki going over to the window, watching the teen start to climb down the wobbly ladder.

Once (y/n) got far enough down, they waved their hand for Niki to go after them. Niki smiled over at Karl. “It was nice meeting you, Karl.” she said, making the brunette smile as well. “It was! See you in a year Niki! Take care.” she nodded, grabbing her bag, making sure nothing was left behind. Once she saw everything was in check, she went down, following her new friend.

“Man, I should've worn a thicker sweater.” Niki said, finally reaching the ground. “Yeah, I should've checked before we left. Too late now though.” (y/n) responds, watching as the ladder slowly shrank back up into their room. The two of them waved at Karl, who smiled back at them. “Alright, where to go first? We can't just go straight to the tundra.” Niki said, watching as (y/n) looked around. It was still pretty dark out, so they hoped it wouldn't turn a day before they even left the castle grounds. “Well we need to find some transportation for when we exit the forest. Cant be going thru town, it's too early for that.'' Niki nodded, looking over at the forest. “Got any torches?” (y/n) asked the pinkett. Niki nodded, shuffling into her bag, pulling out an unlit torch and lighter. “Yep, need one?” (y/n) shook their heads. “Only one of us needs one for now, well just gotta stay close together. Let's go, we can't stay here forever.” (y/n) says, chuckling softly. “Of course! Let's go!”

The two of them entered the forest close to the castle, leaving it behind. (y/n) had no regrets, they knew they needed this, even if eret forbid them. Niki was excited, she hadn't gone on an adventure since she was small, so it was a nice change of pace.

“Yknow (y/n), we’ve never actually met properly before this. Only in passing.” she said, stepping over a thick tree root. (y/n) followed, nearly tripping. “Really? I didn't notice. Though, i was held up in my room for awhile there.” they said, looking at all the trees that encased the two of them. No matter how many years go by, they still found nature to be beautiful. “Yeah, I did become one of the king's cooks when you were 16, not too long ago.” she said,pulling a branch up for (y/n) to walk past. “Oh thank you. What were you doing before then? Before you started working for my dad.” Niki thought for a second before answering.

“Well, i was only 18 when he hired me, so i was doing what any kid did at that time. For a while I took up gardening, growing many types of flowers, though they all ended up dying after a while.” she said. (y/n) stopped, noticing the forest was ending. “i did gardening as well when i was young child. Made many flower crowns and such with them.” Niki gasped excitedly at this. “Maybe we can make flower crowns together!! I haven't done it in so long..” (y/n) smiled. ‘Of course we can! We have a whole year after all!” they laughed together, looking out at the forest in front of them. “God I hope your mom doesn't fire me when this is all over…” (y/n) looks over at Niki, giving her a reassuring smile. “Well good thing I'll be the ruler when we get back. You're not getting fired on my watch.” Niki smiled at this. “Thank you (y/n)...should we go now?” (y/n) nodded, looking ahead once more.

The two of them continue to walk, leaving the small forest behind. “Okay, we should be in a farm area. The houses are spaced out so no one should see us. Should take a half hour to an hour to get through. There should be a train station after that. It'll take us to the arctic kingdom." Niki nodded, grabbing some bread from her bag. "Bread?" (Y/n) shook their heads, declining. "I ate before we left. Thanks tho."

They both walked through the field, the torches flame flickering as they walked. There were no monsters around, since there hadn't been any around the area in 100s of years. They were safe.

Niki looked at some of the farmland, noticing they had to walk through some of it. (Y/n) noticed it as well. "How do we get through there? They'll notice someone was here in the morning." (Y/n) said, not completely knowing how to get by. "Got any ender pearls?"

(y/n) thought for a second, looking in their bag for some. “Oh, looks like I do! Got a bag full of ‘em.'' They hand some to Niki, who throws it over the larger field, hoping to get over without touching the wheat. (y/n) followed, both of them successfully getting across the farm.

“I am so glad that worked.” (y/n) said, putting the pearls back in their bag. Niki nodded, sighing. “Is the trans station past those trees?” she asked, pointing towards the small strip of trees not too far ahead of them. “Yeah, behind there's the train station. An old friend of mine runs it. Lets go!”

The two of them basically run across the field, not wanting to waste a second of their time. The sun would rise at any moment, and they really wanted to get out of town before it rose.

They had reached the trees, their original torch being burnt out from all the running. Niki grabbed and lit another, the two of them heading into the small patch of trees to the train station.

The station wasn't too much to brag about, a boring old timey train station was all it was. There was no train in sight, making the (h/c) haired teen sigh. “Damnit, the train might not be here for another several hours.” they said, heading up to the platform. Niki followed, smiling slightly. “Could be worse. Not sure how much worse but it could be worse.”

The two of them sat at a random bench in the area, looking at the map (y/n) had packed.

“So the kingdom is all the way over there, which is about 6 hours by foot. Taking the train would be around the same pass but we wouldn't be out in the open.” (y/n) says, pointing their finger along the route they need to take. “Is there a way to get there any faster?” (y/n) shrugged, looking over the map. “We could either go through the towns and such, or we could get some horses and get there that way. Wouldn't know how to get any of those, they're kinda rare in this area.'' Niki nodded, thinking for a second.

Both of their thoughts were cut off by someone's cheery voice. “Hello! It's been a long time, hasn't it (y/n)?” They looked over to see their old friend, Jack Manifold, approaching the two of them. (y/n) smiled, standing up and walking over to the said man. “Eyyyy Manifold! Good to see ya!” The two of them hug, separating soon after. (y/n) looked over at Niki. “Hey, have you met Niki?” Niki smiled, putting the map in her bag, standing up as well. “Indeed i have! To be fair, it was a brief interaction. “Nice to see ya, Niki.”

She nodded. “Nice to see you too, Jack.” (y/n) smiled, looking back over at Jack.

"Jack, we need to get to the arctic kingdom, do you know when the trains coming back?" They asked the slightly smarter man. He nodded. "Won't be coming back till noon today. I'm just here because I forgot something." (Y/n) looked up at the sky. It was getting lighter out. They sighed, looking back down at Jack. "We can't wait that long. Know any other way to get out of town fast?"

"Well, I could lend you my horse. Most of the time he just sits here and cry's." I looked at Niki, who seemed to be pleased with the offer. "Mind if we take him? We'll return him at some point obviously." Jack nodded, starting to go around the train station. "I'll be in the arctic kingdom a day or so from now, so you can return him then!" We follow Jack behind the station, where his horse sat tied up while eating some grass.

"His name is thunder, good lad. Constantly sad tho." Jack unties the reins from the pole, handing them to Niki. "Say, what's your trip for anyway?" Jack asked the two of them. (Y/n) answered. "We're going to see prince Tommy to recruit him to a project we're working on. Top secret stuff man." Jack nodded. "Seems fun. Might join you if I feel like it. Well, have fun you two." They nodded, Niki getting onto the horse and bringing him to the front of the station. "Oh, by the way. You can't tell anyone I was here, at least for the reason I am here. I know I've asked for a lot but if anyone asked, can you tell them I went camping somewhere in the woods?"

Jack nodded, smiling at the teen. "It's fine, secret adventures are cool anyway. I'll keep your secret, now grab your stuff and have fun on your journey." They smiled, hugging the male. "Thanks Jack, I'll repay you eventually." They say while letting go of their friend.

He nodded. "Anytime (y/n). Now go, Niki’s waiting." They nodded, running off to the front of the station. They spotted Niki on thunder, who held all our bags. I looked up at her. "You know how to ride a horse?" They asked, trying to get up onto the horse. Niki giggled, helping them up. "Yeah, I was taught when I was younger. Come on, gotta get out of here before the sun rises right?" (Y/n) smiled, latching onto Niki lightly, so as to not fall off.

"Yeah, lets go!" They took off, running along the tracks. The sun rose as they went, turning the sky into a pinkish color.

Niki slowed the horse down a bit, staring at the beautiful sky. "I love the sunrise…" (y/n) hummed in agreement, resting their head on Niki’s shoulder.

"I haven't seen it in awhile. Always amazes me." Niki nodded, smiling softly. "Should we continue or just watch the sunrise?" (Y/n) chuckled, lifting their head off the woman's shoulder. "We should go. Maybe we could watch the sunrise tomorrow.

Niki nodded, returning the horse to his original pace.

They left towards a small path in the forest, leaving towards the arctic kingdom where they'll hopefully find the first person they need to reach.

Hopefully.

-----

series tag list, ask if you wanna be added!

@xx-smiley-xx

#mcyt x reader #dreamsmp x reader #niki nihachu x reader #jack manifold x reader #karl jacobs x reader #royal au #sbi au #niki nihachu x you #niki nihachu x y/n #jack manifold x you #jack manifold x y/n #karl jacobs x you #karl jacobs x y/n #tommyinnit x reader #eret x reader #wilbur soot x reader #Dsmp Royal Au #One Year fic

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emeraldhazeart · 2 years

Note

For the farming sim game: 🥔, 🍋, 🍅, aaaand 🍐 for FoMT and Stardew! (I had a hard time picking questions lmao these are all really fun)

Aww, thank you 💕 I'm glad people are enjoying them.

🥔(Potato) - Favourite non-romanceable character

FoMT:

Is it any surprise that I pick Harris? 😅 He was just another NPC to me originally, but over time I've really grown to love this big Teddy bear.

If Harris was a bachelor, though, then I'd choose Barley/Mugi. He's such a sweet, kind old man. I want to adopt him as my grandpa, please.

Nearly everyone in Mineral Town feels like family to me, at this point 😅 I love (almost) all of them.

SV:

Kinda hard to choose just one, tbh. I like a lot of the side characters. Linus is a sweetheart, and Clint reminds me somewhat of Harris.

But I think I like George the best. Grumpy old man who warms up to you gradually as you show him kindness? Check. Tragic backstory? Check. Genuine heart of gold beneath his gruff exterior? Check.

🍋(Lemon) - Least favourite character

FoMT:

I'm sorry, I just don't like Won/Huang. His first event - where you meet him at Zack's, and he ogles Karen and gives her preferencal treatment because she's pretty - just left a really sour taste in my mouth. And it doesn't help that he's quite arrogant and so obsessed with money.

SV:

Does Morris the Jojamart manager count? 😅 No? OK, then.

Probably Mayor Lewis. He refuses to settle down with Marnie, even though she clearly wants to, because he's "worried about his reputation"?! Big red flags there, Marnie! And besides, what kind of mayor uses town funds to commission a golden statue of himself instead of putting that money back into the town through, say, repairing the bus service to the city?!

🍅 (Tomato) - Favourite and least favourite festival?

FoMT:

Since I've already talked about the Animal Festivals and the Horse Races, I'll mention another event I really love: the Harvest Festival.

The whole town getting together to cook a giant potluck, with everyone bringing something along, has such a warm, homey vibe for me. I really get a sense of community from this festival. I love it, and all its variations across the games.

Least favourite is probably White Day/Valentine's Day. It's a non-event if you're not high enough with anyone. And if you're high enough with enough candidates, you have to hang around on your farm most of the day waiting for them to arrive. I want to get on around town and the mountain on my daily routine, not sit around at home waiting all day.

SV:

I think the festivals are sadly lacking in this game, especially after all the interesting events that HM/SoS has to offer.

My favourite of the few available is the Stardew Valley Fair, because you can interact with a lot of the stalls, and because its the only festival where your farming actually comes into play.

My least favourite is probably Spirit's Eve: after you've done it the first year, there's really nothing to do in subsequent years.

🍐(Pear) - Favourite rival pairing (Canon or non-canon)?

FoMT:

Karen x Rick is a brilliant pairing. So is Gray x Mary. Both of them feel like they complement each other really well.

Non-canon: I'm really growing to like the idea of Ann x Kai. I feel like they'd have some really good chemistry.

SV: No rival pairs in this game, alas, so we'll have to go with non-canon.

I think Harvey x Penny would be a sweet couple. Probably extremely traditional and low-key, but I think they'd work well together.

I'll answer your other ask separately, since this has gone on quite a bit 😅

#Lol autocorrect changed Marnie to Marie and Marine 😅#thanks for playing!#Friendofbats #Farming Sim Ask game #Ask game #Harvest moon #Stardew valley

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echos-newlegs · 3 years

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Alright so this is a little different from what I have been doing, but it has been on my MIND. I swear I am working on requests too, writing a spicy Tech fic rn.

But anyways.

Due to this post by @spaceydragons I have come up with a series of headcanons for my beloved Echo, but as a country boy because as a country-ish girl myself I love them. (Was fr late to work the other day because of a farmer and his flock of geese on the road and had to help him chase them back into their pin. It had just rained so they were running to the ditch when he didn't get the gate shut all the way 😭)

But enough stories, have this series of headcanons because I feel no one would like a story over it LMAO

If you want me to do a differentcharacter for this au, just shoot me a message, ask, or a comment!! I have ideas for the rest of TBB and some other clone boys and even some Generals 😌

Sorry this is LONG

Echo would be the type that would take you out fishing your first date.

He is a bit shy and awkward, but fishing is something that doesn't need a lot of talking, but you can.

It is something that is peaceful and relaxing, plus he can help you if need be.

Or you can even help him.

I feel like he would absolutely love hunting with you too!

Not hunting with guns, but hunting for different herbs or foods.

He wouldn't be opposed to hunting animals, but it isn't always his cup of tea.

I headcanon that maybe he and all the rest of TBB were in a war, but they made it out.

Echo lost his arm and legs to it.

Which fives told you when you first met them. "Yep, the war cost my buddy an arm and TWO legs."

Echo was not amused and wanted to beat up Fives for embarrassing him in front of a pretty lady.

He is very insecure about his prosthetics at first, but after you assure him that you think they're unique and what makes him, him. He thinks he absolutely wants to die for you.

Plus you admire the fact that he can still do the things he loves even with a fake arm. Which he doesn't always put on around you after you reassure him a few times that it's fine.

He would definitely brag you up if you caught a big ass fish.

"Oh, you caught that? That ain't NOTHIN' compared to what my girl caught down at the lake the other night. 'Bout the size of her arm!"

This may be me being biased, but he would love night fishing too.

He would put his pole up sometimes just to hold you in his lap while you let your line set in the water.

Just admiring the feel of you pressed against his chest and the way the moon light reflected off your features.

He would also love sleeping with you in a hammock.

Unless it's hotter than all get out.

Then he'd stick to two separate hammocks while the two of you talked and slowly dozed off for an afternoon nap.

He also seems like the gardener of the group along with Wrecker.

He would have a mad green thumb with his gentle giant brother.

Though Wrecker would prefer the flowers, while Echo would be more for the fruits and veggies.

Echo would be in close contact with the 501st still, as well.

Taking you over to meet his other brothers. Meet their families and friends as well.

You and Fives would click with the 501st just as well as you do the Bad Batch, and Echo would love you even more for it.

Tbh in this hc I feel TBB would be more the hillbillies and the other clone units. Especially the 501st would be the farming/rancher types.

So Echo would have traits from both.

He would take you for a ride in the tractor, too 😏

He would let you feed the animals and play with the dogs.

Rex would absolutely love you as well. For the fact you're so nice to them and help them out even when Echo isn't around, AND the fact that you are taking care of his brother.

"I haven't seen him this happy since I upped his and Fives' rank."

You would feel absolutely amazing about yourself.

Until Hardcase and Jesse demanded you cook them all a meal.

To which you would, but you'd deep down hate it only for the fact they could all eat a fucking horse, each.

You would be cooking most the night when all the boys got together.

Echo would help out, along with some of his other brothers you trusted in the kitchen.

Like Kix, Tup, and especially Fives.

No one knew how Fives was such a damned good cook, but he was.

Echo would watch you braid Tups hair and make a mental not to let his hair grow out longer.

He loves it when you run your fingers over his shorter hair, but the way Tup seemed to be nearly falling asleep against your thing as he sat on the floor in between your legs while you sat in the chair and braided his hair? He knew he'd love it.

So this actually happened to my uncle 💀. But I feel like Echo would lose his prosthetics as least once. Say he has an old truck, but he loves it? Yeah there's a hole in the floor and "PULL OVER THERE GOES MY FUCKING LEG-" "AGAIN?? ECHO-"

Okay, okay. But imagine- you, Echo, and TBB all going for drives to the lake???

I feel like everyone but Echo and Crosshair would fully submerge themselves underwater on hot days.

Cross seems like he wouldn't enjoy it much. Maybe a little? But I deadass feel like he can't swim.

This may be me projecting my own fears onto Echo(I do that sometimes.) But I really feel like he would be scared of deep waters. Even before he lost his limbs.

He only sits near the water and occasionally goes in with you, but you have to be right next to him at all times while holding his hand

Plus he won't let it go past his mid calve.

Echo would most definitely make you stuff too!

You want a new coffee table?

Bam, him and Tech made you a new one.

It's your anniversary?

Well lookie there, you have a necklace he made just for you!

He would also spoil you.

Even if he doesn't have the most money, he would do little things that meant the world to you.

OKAY OKAY- BUT PROPER DATE NIGHTS-

THey would be little picnics outdoors on a blanket with you favorite sandwiches and drink 🥺🥺

He would wear a buttoned up flannel and blue jeans with cowboy boots because they are easy to slip over his prosthetics.

You unbutton his flannel to find nothing underneath 😏

Oh, and I do feel he would have scarring from the explosion. Which I always hc him with.

He would also have a mega bad farmers tan, because same.

He'd melt each time you trace his scars and nearly malfunction when you kiss them 😩

In conclusion, he would be the best country boyfriend.

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hannie-dul-set · 4 years

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— contrariety & confluence | jung jaehyun.

SUMMARY | there was not an instance in your life where your judgement was proven to be mistaken— especially with regards to infatuations outside of your own. after an unpredicted introduction with a far too remarkable farm boy, you took it upon yourself to find a suitable match for him, not realizing that perhaps this time; your usual correct judgements might have been incorrect. PAIRING | jung jaehyun x female! reader [slight johnny x reader and jaehyun x oc, mentions of dotae and other pairings] GENRE | emma! au, matchmaking! au, strangers to lovers! au, slowburn (like i mean slow slow), period romance, humor, one suggestive scene, very very tiny angst, also jaehyun falls on love too quickly LMAO WARNINGS | implied and borderline smut, other than that none <33 (omg there’s no SWEARING in this wow) WORD COUNT | 16.9k TAGLIST | @sehunniepot @ukiyoneo @roury66 @nct-writers @czennienet @neowritingsnet @kpopscape

a/n: i wrote this....in seven days (not even JSFSD) ANYWAYS i hope you like this huhu jaehyun really has gotten me in a spell lately HJFF inspired by jane austen’s emma! but it doesn’t follow the actual book’s plotline hehe

A pleasant afternoon was how one would describe the present air and scenery— the sunrays scintillating over the nearby stream in such a manner that made its blue tint rival that of the clear sky, a faint brustling of the wind that shuffled the neverending tall, forest trees, and distantly was a flowered meadow of the countryside that visually neared as the carriage horses took their light gallop on the dirt path towards it.

Indeed, it was a pleasant afternoon, yet your temperament was less than pleasant; it leaned more into the adjective “stormy” from the way your eyebrows knitted together to accompany your deep frown, only worsened when an envious bump interrupted your supposedly pleasant carriage ride.

“Father, perhaps it isn’t too late to reverse? To return back to the estate?”

You made no effort in hiding your sour expression in front of your dear father, who was sitting before you inside the small space of the closed carriage. “Now, Y/N, we would not want to be tiresome to Mr. Jeon, do we? Not when we are already a mere walks away.”

“Mr. Jeon would not be troubled by his own occupation,” you reasoned, but the debate was settled because as though your father was lenient and doting towards you, his only daughter, he was a sensitive man who considered the welfare of all those that surround— that included Mr. Jeon, the primary coachman of your estate.

Mr. L/N had never failed in being quick to catch your subtle tells, and this moment was no other. He saw your parted lips breathing out a sigh, your gaze in a faraway spell to the open window, and shoulders slacked in despondency. “Eyes up, my little birdie,” your father called out. “I am aware that it is most upsetting for you to have lost a dear friend to the covetous hands of wedlock, but this excursion would prove to be a remedy for your mourning heart! Have I ever told you about kind Mrs. Lee and her children? Mrs. Lee, I have known far before you were born, but I have never been lucky enough to be acquainted with her children yet. Though I hear that they are quite pleasant fellows.”

The word pleasant simply grated your annoyance further. There was no such thing as pleasant when all your heart could feel was the grief brought about by the marrying of Miss Anna— your governess slash mother figure slash best friend— a week prior to today’s present. You had no pleasure in calling her Mrs. Qian, because quite frankly, you were still lamenting over the great sorrow of the loss of such a dear and close person, catalyzed by very much your own urgings and schemings.

It was an ideal match, her and Qian Kun. Highly congratulated and expected. A happy wedding for both parties except your own.

“Oh dear, how affected must you be for tears to well up,” your father cooed, leaning forwards to wipe away your cries with his handkerchief, to which you simply insisted him to sit back down as you had your own. “Miss Anna is in a very much happy disposition right now, my dear Y/N. And I predict that she would want the same for you.”

Your intellect was not ignorant of that fact, but your emotions pressed on to ignore Miss Anna’s wishes. It would take more than three-and-twenty excursions to Hollybrook Farm in order to fill the missing gap of one most cherished.

Mr. L/N’s heart was weighed heavier from having a front seat to your sorrows, and a thought came to him. A thought that he wished to never have thought of at all. “My dearest daughter,” he started in a shaky voice. “My only daughter. You aren’t going to leave your poor father this soon, are you not?”

“Oh what nonsense, papa!”

Your abrupt refute sang in line with yet another bump on the road, though your tenor was much less unaffected from your impenetrable indignancy.

“Such unthinkable, ineffable nonsense!” you cried in your seat, the lines of your embroidered handkerchief crumpling from your tight grasp. “I love you much too dearly to even ponder on marriage. You need not to fear that moment else you will only worry yourself into sickness.”

Your father’s silly notion had managed to ease you momentarily, allowing you to breathe and admire the natural scenery in a way that you were not able to a minute prior. Although that brief moment of serenity only lasted until the end of the ride. The ground crackled when you dropped down from the carriage, and you were once again hit by the wretchedness of the three or four realizations as you stood a reasonable distance from the farmhouse of Hollybrook; the first being the fact that Miss Anna will never be reverted back to maidenhood by a trivial excursion, or any excursion for that matter. The second, how shabby the presenting structure of Mr. and Mrs. Lee’s home appeared before you. And third, the idea that you were to stay here for an entire night and two half-days.

It was tortuous.

“Mr. and Miss L/N! How grateful we are to have you company! Oh, come, come, please do come in!”

Half forced was the smile that you willed to your face as you passed through the fence that surrounded the wide vicinity of the family’s land. Mrs. Lee was a rather chipper lady, having none to not talk about as each second her lips were steadily moving, and though she was polite, pleasant, and very much hospitable, you found her incessant speeches far too tiring to stand. “Mr. Lee is unfortunately not with us today for he and my eldest had business to be dealt with in town, but please oh please do not fret! My three sons and I will be sure to provide a pleasant enough company for the both of you.”

“It is you that must not fret, Mrs. Lee,” you smiled at her. A pleasant smile. Mildly forced. But politeness was a must. “My father and I are sure that our stay here will be much enjoyed considering how amiable the lady of the house is.”

“Oh, Mr. L/N. Your daughter is as much of a charmer as you are,” the lady guffawed at your remark, a fond smile on her weathered features. “We will forever be indebted to your kindness! If it weren’t for you, we would not even have a house to live in. Though brief— I do hope you enjoy your stay here at Hollybrook.”

As the two chatted away along the cobbled path, you took the moment to study the sight before you— a large house, not as large as yours at Whitland, but large enough to fit a family of six or seven. The grey brick walls were infested with an overgrowth of vines, painting it with a green that matched the surroundings of grass that stretched farther than you could see. It was a very pleasing structure if it weren’t for the muddy windows, wheelbarrows unkempt, and the evident disarray of shoes that you were welcomed with at the entrance. That enough was telling of the people that lived here, and though you disliked holding prejudices, it was something that you could not control.

You breathed in, drowning out the unwavering voice of Mrs. Lee in the background.

A less than pleasant afternoon. You could only hope for a more pleasant evening.

“Mark! Please do check on the oven— Jeno! Be a dear and set the table for our guests— oh my— Donghyuck!”

A snort of a pig.

“How many times must I tell you; do not bring Kosher into the house!”

A door slamming to a close.

It was far from a pleasant evening. In fact, it was even less pleasant than the afternoon, yet your father seemed to be pleased enough with the mess that was dinnertime preparation, even laughing along as he aided Donghyuck in luring out Kosher back into his pen. All you could do was sit in your chair at the very far corner, recollecting all the information that you have thus far observed from your new acquaintances— which only brought about a bitter taste of cold, chilling, malcontentment. Mrs. Lee was quick to judge, and so were her four sons; though one was absent, for you it was easy to formulate your discernment of his character— not quite concrete, but concrete enough to know that the eldest Mr. Lee was a hardworking whose sphere of concern is limited within the family, and the family only.

Quite an amendable quality so long as you were in the sphere. Not when you were a guest. He could have spared some time to accommodate you and your father, but as he did not wish so and so he did not.

Next in line was Mark Lee. Handsome, well-mannered, well-spoken— exemplary despite his upbringing, but the boy was lacking the respect of being the standing eldest of the three with his brother’s absence. Poor Mark was being buried in all of Donghyuck’s chores without his concurrence, but without any protests.

Jeno Lee was objectively the handsomest of the three, and arguably the most agreeable. He would be rivalling Roselake’s Jaemin Na in terms of manners, politeness, and overall gentlemanly constitution. If only it weren’t for his regretful fear of women, then he would have been a chivalrous candidate for marriage. He was inherently unable to send a glance at your way without wearing the prettiest shade of red on his personable features.

Lastly, Donghyuck Lee was very much like his mother— exceptionally good-humored, exceptionally unwavering, and exceptionally tiring just as she. You could not handle a minute of his presence and you were yet to arrange a plan on how to exactly to last the entire dinner alone. The deafening of one of your senses was enough to blind the other; it was truly a shame as he was both handsome and intelligent, too. Well, it did not matter since marriage was a bleak concept for you, but you could have set him up with someone you knew.

Dinner, which was supposed to be a quiet occasion with light and educated conversation, was beyond what you had prepared for. And as if Mrs. Lee’s and your father’s chatterings weren’t boisterous enough, as if the three brothers’ over the table deviltries weren’t rasping enough, your dinner was further intruded by the irksome knock of the door.

“Oh, dear Mark, would you please answer the door? Hurry, hurry!” at his mother’s command, the clattering of utensils was heard, and following after was Mark’s hurried steps. “How I have completely forgotten from all the frantic preparations— Miss Y/N, you have room for one more acquaintance, no?”

You were not given the proper opportunity to react— only enough time or you to open your mouth in preparation for speaking, yet you could not. It was either from your voice momentarily dysfunctioning, or perhaps from the inhibitions attracted by the intruders attendance. Though the most plausible conclusion would be both.

Both. Indeed it was both. How could one even think to speak when brought before the presence of such a man.

He caught your stare. You forced your mouth to a close.

“Jaehyun, how was the delivery? Oh, I hope the journey wasn’t too fatiguing.”

“Madam, fatigue is but a distant cousin that I have never come to know in years,” the man known as Jaehyun smiled, causing distinct indentions to sink on his cheeks. He diverted from your sharp gaze. Handsome, you drew, continuing to eye him as you took a subtle sip from your water. “The delivery and transaction went as usual. Though I would appreciate if you weren’t to worry each time,” a laugh— even his laugh was handsome. “Shall we sit, Mrs. Lee?”

The three sons cheerily greeted Jaehyun as he sat amongst them, though not before aiding the older lady to the seat of her own. Perfectly handsome, perfectly mannered, perfectly agreeable; never in your life had you been beheld to such a perfect subject of a man. Though his clothes were wrinkled and skin dusted, those measly details were little enough to be overlooked by his overall disposition.

He was almost far too perfect to be deemed true.

“Miss Y/N, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Jung Jaehyun—” nods and smiles exchanged across the table right before Mrs. Lee continued to speak. “He is almost like my own son after living with us since he was four! Now three-and-twenty and has grown into such a fine gentleman indeed!”

Ah, you clicked your tongue. There it was.

But an unknown background was something that you could work with.

“May I inquire your opinion on something, Mr. Jung?”

He flinched midway eating his meal; expectedly so since the first words you’ve spoken to him after all those unwavering and calculative stares was something so bleak and ominous. He gingerly settled down his spoon, replacing it with a napkin to wipe his greased lips. One look at him was impossible to discern his upbringing of being a farm boy. “Please refer to me as Jaehyun, Miss Y/N. That enough is all right.”

Your lips quirked into a smile.

“Never have I met someone so politely hypocritical,” you hummed. He simply pressed his lips into a thin smile. “Very well then, Jaehyun. How do you feel about daisies?”

Daisies. A quizzical question that entranced the entire dinner table— though the subject of your question did not take long to think and utter out his answer.

“Well, a small bouquet of daisies would be sufficient enough to comfort an ailing friend,” Jaehyun thought out loud, then a flash of concern flitted through his eyes. “Are any of your friends ill, Miss Y/N? I know of a nearby patch where you could pick them.”

It was a different kind of triumph that you felt when you heard of his practically perfect answer; the notion of is character to be knowledgeable from the brief explanation of flower, the poignancy from the thought of a misfortune of a friend of an acquaintance (not even friend of a friend), and the unconditional, compassionate offering a service.

At that point you had decided.

“Oh, not at all, Jaehyun. All of them are perfectly healthy. Thank you for providing a response,” picking up a fork, you sent him a full, satisfied smile. “Anyhow, I believe that is enough conversion for one night. Let us dine, shall we?”

That a man such as Jung Jaehyun does not deserve to be bound inside the fences of a farm, for the world has much more to offer.

It was without precariousness and uncertainty that you, Miss Y/N L/N, sole heiress of Whitland Estate, can conclude with no much further deliberation required, had not, in fact, slept a single wink.

Even Kosher the pig might have slept more soundly than you.

“Mrs. Lee, I’m going out!” you announced from the door. “Please tell father in case he looks for me when he wakes up!”

It was thirty before six, and since there was no hope for you to rest atop the rock hard bed that you were provided, you ultimately opted to take a walk outside for some early exercise. (Frankly, it was not that hard— you were simply not used to beddings apart from your own inside your estate. You didn’t blame the Lee’s for your inability to adapt). A heavily clouded sky met you outside as it had showered a few hours prior, therefore you took it upon yourself to watch your step so as to not slip and fall.

Despite the unclear sky, there were moments where sunlight had just managed to slip past the cloud, allowing for a brief moment of golden rain. You anticipated the said occurrence during each moment of your walk.

You were forced to a stop upon being met by a downhill slope, and there you realized that Hollybrook Farm was quite actually much larger than the front had presented itself to be.

“Good morning, Miss Y/N! Jeno wishes you a good morning to— hey! Did I say something wrong?!”

Your laughter was unprevented due to the younger boys’ antics. They were rather lively for it being too early— though they were probably used to waking at such a time, perhaps even earlier due to their responsibilities in the farm. Undeniably, your initial impression of the lot was quite critical and nit-picky, but you had no doubts on them being pleasant fellows (as long as Donghyuck does not speak a thousand words a minute, of course).

Smiling, you hurriedly trekked towards the two boys who were still quarrelling among the flock of sheep, and so you momentarily forgot about the rain that had occurred prior, subsequently forgetting about the risk of slipping on the soft dirt.

Therefore the next event was to no one’s surprise but your own.

A misstep. You let out a scream as you slid down.

With your eyes squeezed shut and with the wind racing past you in such a terrifying speed, the fear of crashing down was numbed by the adrenaline that coursed through your veins, and all you could was wait for the imminent impact that—

You squeaked.

—that never seemed to have come.

“O-oh,” your breath staggered, eyes lost from the heat of the moment, and your slanted figure was caught by an arm that caged you, serving as a barrier between you and the mudded ground. In an instinctive motion, your head snapped up, meeting the eyes of the one who had just been in time to save you. It was Jaehyun. “I—”

You did not know what were the appropriate words for such a situation, and apparently neither did he because all he did was stare at you wide eyed with mixture of worry and panic and relief, making you believe that he was just as frightened as you because of the fall. An exchange of eye contact; blinking and unblinking. Jaehyun released a sharp huff of relief, and quite unexpectedly, he lifted you off the ground and into his arms in a bridal carry.

Your heart stirred in bewilderment.

“Ex—excuse me, Jaehyun, but it is less than appropriate for a man like you to be—”

“I apologize, Miss Y/N, but I am less concerned with propriety and more so with the possibility of you sustaining an injury,” he declared. “I cannot allow you to walk.”

None more was said after. You were left to ponder on your thoughts.

Jaehyun had his nose pointed forward as he carried you, eyes ahead and shadowed by the tufts of his hair; a manly disposition overall in addition to his declarations prior. Your admiration was simply stretched further. Though, it was not an admiration that strung one’s heart in fleeting motions; rather it was a type of admiration that an aesthete would hold towards a work of art, unaffected and untouchable— though still open to refinery. Jung Jaehyun was indeed a walking piece of art.

It seemed as though you were not the only one to agree, because as you passed near the fence, still in his arms, you caught sight of a group of young girls. You inwardly scoffed. It was obvious that they were here to admire the boy. It was also obvious that they had to be content with merely admiring, as a single step closer would be an insult to Jaehyun. He deserved someone of the same degree.

Wait.

“Miss Y/N, I will be setting you down, now.”

You were far deep into thought to realize that you had settled into the barn, quite frankly in a daze when Jaehyun gently placed you atop a squared hay bale. He made sure not to linger his touch on your skin for far too long, but also making sure to not be hasty— treating you with such a delicate care that made you think: Mrs. Lee raised him well. Far too well.

“I apologize for my rudeness,” you said. “I haven’t even properly thanked you for saving me.”

Jaehyun squatted before you, wordlessly asking permission to check on your ankle, and you gave him a wordless response in return. He pulled your boots off of your feet. “Please do be careful next time, Miss Y/N. The soil gets slippery when it rains,” he mumbled. “Does this hurt?”

“Not at all.”

He sighed in relief. “All right. But you should remain inside to rest for the time being. I am afraid I would not get any work done if you remain. I would be far too worried.”

You appreciated the addition of the last sentence.

“Allow me to repay your kindness one day, Jaehyun.”

“There is no need, Miss Y/N. I just— ah, allow me to help you.”

Jaehyun did not even let you get off of the hay bale on your own despite your countless assurances that you could walk as fine as any other, but he insisted on escorting you outside of the barn, extending until the door of the farmhouse, and even when you mounted the carriage as you and your father were already to make your leave. You feared that your father might actually pass if you tell him about your accident, but luckily Jaehyun was there to assure him of all his worries.

He certainly deserved someone of the same degree.

“Please do visit again soon!”

And unlike when you arrived, the departure was far more pleasant. Because as you were gazing outside the window of the carriage with your countless thoughts, you had come up with the perfect match that was fitting for a man such as Jung Jaehyun.

The moon had already replaced the sun when you and your father returned to the estate, and there waiting was Johnny Suh— a close friend of your father despite being years and years younger. You did not view him as a friend; he was much like a fond annoyance that you perceived as familial at best, and nefarious at worst. Your ideals simply did not align, and more likely than not, it was the prerequisite for all of your arguments. Though, you would be lying if you said you did not find joy debating with him. The joy being found in his defeat.

“Mr. L/N,” Johnny started. The three of you were sitting around in the manor’s reception room, the usual tea and chat taking place. “If I were to be honest, I did not expect a trip to the countryside would do your daughter’s selfish grievances any better, but perhaps miracles do exist.”

You sent him a sidelong glance as you took a sip from your tea. Johnny returned it with a charming grin. The nerve.

“What makes you say that?”

“You left looking like a widower and returned looking like a newlywed. That is enough for me to draw my conclusions.”

A wispy laugh was released by your father, and for a moment you felt betrayed. You elicited a cough, placing the cup on the saucer that was held by your other hand. Johnny looked at you expectantly. “But is that enough for you to draw the reason as to why I’m in such a happy mood?”

“Unfortunately not. But I do have a bit of an idea,” he answered “You are scheming again, are you not?”

You smiled innocently. “What could you possibly mean?”

This was not an unnatural sight in the estate, seeing as your father was simply reading in silence as he listened to your back and forths. Johnny was not by any means amused by your lack of definitive response. He really wanted to know what, or who brought your spirits to such a high considering that you had practically been weeping not even a day ago. You would not simply let go of Miss Anna unless you found a new occupancy— and something like that was unlikely to be found at a farm.

“Oh? You feign ignorance when not even a month ago you were rejoicing your victory of finally getting Mr. and Mrs. Wong to be wed.”

“Ah, I simply pulled a few strings here and there.”

“And what about Taeyong and Doyoung?”

“They would not have gotten together if it were not for me mediating between their stubbornness.”

Johnny exhausted a sigh. “Y/N, you are quite frankly the impossible woman I have ever met.”

“I do not believe you have met enough women to surmise such a deduction.”

He was getting annoyed. You could tell from the way his jaw clenched. He ignored your quip and instead shifted back to the topic beforehand. “You are still acting innocent as if you are not scheming something when you are practically incriminating yourself by evidence that came from none other than yourself. Who is it this time?”

“I am not scheming, Johnny,” you pressed on, choosing to ignore the last question. “A scheme is something grand— elaborate. I am not even lifting a finger.”

“You never change,” he huffed. “Still as proud as ever.”

“Of course, as there is undeniably something to be proud of when you help in watering love to bloom,” you reasoned, and a subtle smirk glistened on your face. “Well, your indifference is quite understandable. A man that is five-and-twenty and unmarried would never—”

“Coming from someone who declared herself to be an old maid,” Johnny proclaimed in a loud voice, a glare shot into your direction. “You should be more sensible in who you point your fingers at.”

You scoffed. “That is a completely—”

“Y/N, my dear!”

It was fortunate that your father had interrupted before the both of you could verbally rip each other’s throats apart from a distance. You and Johny visibly calmed down, a simultaneous, unspoken truce as you breathed in and relaxed in your chair.

“Are you still to continue your hobby in matchmaking?”

Completely ignoring Johnny’s dirty stares and incoherent mumbling, you spread your lips into a bright, wide smile. “Why of course, dear papa! Vicariously romancing through the lives of others is the only way a destined old maid such as I could feel the profound experience of falling in love. There is no reason for me to stop, there not?” a choked out laughter is heard from across the room, unmistakably from Johnny, but you simply responded by a threatening gaze, to which he promptly shut his mouth. “Oh, by the way, father. When is our dear, little Hwayoung returning from boarding school? Has she sent a letter, by any chance?”

Johnny chuckled, bringing the teacup to his lips. “You still call her little when she’s a mere year younger than you.”

“Then shall I call you uncle as you are four years older than me?”

Sohn Hwayoung was the daughter of a merchant in Roselake; a very pretty, very charming, and a very chipper young lady that had always followed you like a baby duckling since you were thirteen. She was like a little sister to you— always heeding your advice and exemplifying you as “Miss Y/N can never be wrong”. Apart from Miss Anna, you had always been especially fond of Hwayoung, and therefore you were devastated when you found out about her leaving, just as you were during your governess’ engagement. But now it was summer. She was to return to Roselake on any day this week.

Your father wore an approving smile, and you clasped your hands together in hopeful expectancy. “She is to return this Friday.”

A bright, beaming grin splendored your face, squealing, and you nearly jumped out of your place.

“Oh, what a joyous occasion! Shall we celebrate her return, papa? It has been far too long since a ball was held in the village.”

“I do not suppose why not,” he chuckled. “I will be calling Mrs. Qian for the arrangements.”

“Thank you so much, father!” you ran over to embrace him, to which he returned with one of his own. “Also, Mr. Jeon— will he be off tomorrow? You see, I would like to send a letter.”

This particular statement piqued the interest of Johnny, as he sat up in his seat with a n air of attentiveness and curiosity. The man was as sharp as ever, but you knew your way around him. “To Hwayoung?” he inquired, the subtle cock of his brow, but you simply gave him a secretive yet knowing smile.

“No,” you replied. “Not to Hwayoung.”

The streaks of sunlight leaking through the open window would have woken you from your slumber if it were not for Mr. Kim, a servant of the house, waking you up by a loud, hollow knock on your door in such an urgent manner.

“Miss Y/N, a visitor has come. Please hurry down.”

You were rather alarmed when that was the first thing that greeted you the moment you woke up, but a side of you somewhat expected this sudden visitation. Quickly, you raced down the halls of your manor, passing by lines and lines of windows, paintings, and statues in such a pace that did not allow you any moment to admire their intricacies. Mr. Jeon had departed yesterday to deliver your message— and it appeared that it was properly relayed. You were still in your nightwear when you had passed through the arch that led to the entrance hall, a shawl draped over your shoulders. When your eyes landed on the visitor that came in such a short notice, you couldn’t prevent the winning smile from replacing your previously drowsy expression.

He never came to disappoint.

“Miss Y/N!”

Jung Jaehyun sprang from the long sofa, a bouquet of daisies in hand, in such a frantic resolution that nearly made you feel guilty.

“Is everything all right?! Are you hurt?! Did you— wait, hold on, why are you standing? Dear god, did you walk all the way— you— you should not be—”

“It is quite appreciative that you have responded to my invitation with such an exemplary promptness, Jaehyun.”

He blinked at you, mouth opening and closing in a confused, convoluted manner that was almost comedic if you weren’t the precursor for his distress. You simply stood in front of him in the middle of the room with a fixed smile on your face. He was lost, disordered. And it reflected on the dirt on his clothes, the dust clinging onto is skin, and the tousled nature of his hair.

“I thought— I thought there was an—”

“There was no accident, Jaehyun. That was simply made-up.”

“But you said you were—”

“Alive and well, as you can see.”

“Then why did you—”

“Simply because I wanted you around,” you perked, eyes twinkling and hands politely folded behind your back. “You would not have come otherwise, am I correct?”

Prior to writing your letter to the Lee’s, you had come to a realization that a responsible man such a Jaehyun would not just abandon his duties at Hollybrook for something as trivial as tea time. You had to come up with a different reason— a more urgent, pressing, and important reason— even if that reason was a mere fabrication. Jaehyun seemed to have only realized it now. He was made to believe that you have gotten into an accident much worse than yesterday’s.

He flushed scarlet.

“Well—” Jaehyun stammered, embarrassed, unable to meet you eye to eye. You pressed your lips together in the hopes of preventing an amused smile from forming in such an inappropriate situation. But it was difficult with his ears getting redder by the second. Honestly, considering the situation, it was you that should have been the shameful one, not him. “If— if that is the case then I believe it is only right for me to take my leave.”

“On the contrary, I believe you should stay,” you quickly strided when he turned away and ready to leave through the doors, blocking his attempt of escape. “Apart from the—” you coughed. “—red herrings in the letter. Your presence is still highly welcome in the estate. How about extending your stay until tomorrow?”

Jaehyun let out a strangled cough at your suggestion. “I am afraid that would be highly inconvenient for you, Miss Y/N, as I have brought nothing but myself.”

“Well, you certainly brought along these lovely daisies with you,” he forgot about those, and you took the bunched up flowers from his right hand, the faintest brushing of your skin, and you smiled at him when you brought them up to your face to smell the grassy, earthy scent. His ears became redder. “Come. You need not to worry about clothing, toiletries or essentials, as the L/N residence has more than enough to provide. You do not have to worry about the farm either— I will be sending another letter to Mrs. Lee about your temporary absence. She would be delighted to hear that you will be staying a few days here.”

From how determined you were, there was no hope in objecting, but Jaehyun still had yet to try. “Miss Y/N,” he began, following your back as you started to leave the entrance hall. “I simply cannot be intrusive to your hospitality. I do not wish to be a burden.”

“Nonsense, Jaehyun!” you suddenly swiveled, meeting him face to face, the bouquet pointed against his nose. He swallowed hard. “I lured you here and therefore it is only rightfully so that I redeem myself by treating you as an esteemed guest.”

You carried yourself with such a confident and dignified air that Jaehyun simply cannot help but consent. The scarlet rouge seemed to have no intention of leaving his face— only darkening and growing warmer. You hadn’t judged him to fluster easily, but perhaps the hot weather was a contributing factor. You paid no mind.

“Well, anyway,” you hummed in satisfaction, leading him deeper into the manor. “Would you prefer a view of the front garden or of the back garden?”

After an entire day in Whitland, Jaehyun had proven himself to be even more agreeable that you had accounted for, which brought about no regrets in your decision of bringing him here to Roselake as it was the utmost sense of pride that you have ever felt. Not only was he such a fine dancer, he knew how to play the pianoforte and was highly cultured in music altogether. He even knew how to cook. And above all— he collected all sorts of poems, riddles, and charades that he penned in a small notebook, which simply accentuated your making of a good character for him. You had made no errors when you judged that he belonged in high society. He would fit right in.

All that was left was to do something about those drab costumes of his.

“Is it really all right for me to wear such an expensive attire, Miss Y/N?”

You had invited him for breakfast together as your father and Johnny went out into the village, and you simply did not like solitude when there were others around. He sat before you, across the table, squirmish and unsure. You frowned. The both of you were seated in such a beautiful spot inside the house— right beside the large window that opened to the gardens. This was no place for negativity.

“Why, surely!” you bellowed. “Would you rather run about uncovered, Jaehyun?”

It was instantaneous how he reddened.

“But of course, if that is what you wish, then—”

“Miss Y/N!” he stammered indignantly, his palm heavily dropping onto the table, causing it to rattle. “I— I had never expected vulgarities of any kind to be expressed by lips such as your very own.”

His flustered outrage was very much obvious by the way exhaled in such an exasperated manner, looking away into the window because it was far less perilous to eye the rose bush peeking from the glass. The red roses matched his face. “I believe this is not an appropriate topic to be discussed over a meal,” he sounded. “It is ill-suited in general.”

Jaehyun was unfortunately unable to catch the glimmer in your eyes. “You seem to boast a deep knowledge about vulgarities, yet you do not know that it is vulgar to speak about a lady's lips without her discretion,” he would not have choked on air if he had caught it.

“Oh my,” Your chair grated against the floor as you stood to help him, but he waved you off back to your seat “I was simply teasing, Jaehyun. I apologize, I really could not help myself.”

He drank from his glass of water, still rather ruffled from the event. “You seem to find a lot of joy from teasing others, Miss Y/N.”

“It is a lot of fun,” you agreed. Thankfully, Jaehyun seemed to have recovered now. “I would recommend the activity to you but I’m afraid you are far too nice to enjoy it.”

“Oh?” he pondered, a raise of a brow. It was about time that he took a bite from the prepared breakfast as he did not want to invade any further, but he was worried that it would be a waste. He took a fork from the table and started to eat. “How are you sure that I would not enjoy such a thing?”

Was he trying to challenge you? You chuckled. He may have seemed tolerant and forbearing over anything based on the air that he bequeathed as he went, but perhaps he hasn’t chosen to forgive you yet for pulling such a jest— he was extremely flustered, after all. You wouldn't have forgiven yourself, either. “It is a first that I have met a gentleman as constitutionally juxtaposed as you are. Are you upset that I teased you?"

“Not at all,” he said. “It would be rude for me to think ill of my host. I simply wonder how you’ve made so quick of a judgement when we've only met twice."

“Oh, judgement is arbitrary, Jaehyun. I draw conclusions as I wish and change them as I wish. Yet so far my impression of you has not changed one bit.”

He was silent for a moment, looking at you so intently that you could hardly recognize him as the same blushing boy as earlier. “Will I ever expect a change, Miss Y/N?”

This caught you by surprise.

It was vexing— how you had no theory on what prompted such a question, and what exactly kind of answer was he expecting and what he was to do with it. Jaehyun appeared to be anticipating your response; he stopped the clattering of utensils altogether and instead waited for you to speak in patience. You had no choice but to simply answer honestly.

“Oh, do you wish for it to change? But I believe my judgement of you is the best judgement one could ever make from a man,” you replied. “Well of course, that depends entirely on you, Jaehyun.”

You couldn’t tell if he was satisfied or less than, because all he affirmed with was a puzzling, thin smile that showed his dimples, followed by a reserved “I see.”

Throughout the stretch of the day, Jaehyun had continued with his odd, dilapidated behaviour which brought you to the paramount of confusion, irritation, and inadmissible fluster. You could quite confidently assume that his sudden coquetry as you made a turn around the garden, his uncalled for compliments and comparisons, was to prove his insistence that he did, in fact, enjoy a little tease.

Gentlemanly yet competitive, you took note. He is such a character.

Jaehyun only stopped when you admitted defeat right before sunset, but you defended that your initial perception of him had still yet to change because he was still as contradictingly confluent as he was during your first meeting, and you were sure that it would never change. Confusing enough, he visibly dampened when you made him know of it, and you did not understand what was there to be disappointed about. Was he that bent on changing your idea of him? But you assured that your idea of him was nothing but agreeable.

It followed you until dinner with the three men, and by then, you had not the slightest idea that all it took to completely silence one Johnny Suh was a Jung Jaehyun. The reason why, you did not know and you did not care. You should invite him as often as you could.

“I sincerely apologize for my daughter calling you here under the guise of an injury,” your father sent you a berating stare through his glasses, the rhythmic sounds of knives and spoons and forks and plates filling in between the gaps of the conversation. “I hope it has not troubled you so, Jaehyun.”

“What would have been so troubling, papa?” you spoke up, switching your concentration into someone else. “Is Roselake not such a welcoming place, Jaehyun?”

“Well, I have only toured as far as your estate, so I have none much to say regarding the entire village. But you see I have this belief that a part greatly represents that of the whole,” a charming smile was flashed. “If Whitland is already this captivating, then Roselake might be all as well.”

There was a cough from the other side of the table— Johnny— and it stirred Jaehyun’s and your father’s concern. He assured the two that he was fine, but you didn’t fail to catch his expression— one that he always wore when held knowledge of something you did not know of. You opted to fish information from him after dinner.

“Such a well-spoken and well-mannered boy,” your father hummed, reaching out for a dish on the table. Jaehyun politely passed it to him. “Do stay as long as you wish, son. There is no such thing as overstaying your welcome here at Whitland.”

“Oh, sir. I simply cannot abuse your hospitality.”

“Nonsense!” it was a familiar reckoning— your father’s remark. Jaehyun now knew where your persistence came from. “You would not have travelled all the way here if it were not for Y/N’s scheming. Please, Mr. Jaehyun. We are very much indebted to you.”

“Jaehyun,” you interrupted, smiling piquantly. “I would love for you to extend your visit until Friday.”

At that juncture, Johnny abruptly stopped his meal after spending the rest of it in silence. He shot you a look, to which you gave the look back. He was not even saying anything yet his peace was enough to be an annoyance. You really needed to have a word with him after this.

“Oh, that is right! We will be holding a ball on that very day, Jaehyun. It would be such a shame for you to miss out an occasion while you are already here.”

Jaehyun opened his mouth in an attempt to refute, but he caught your expectant gaze— the evidence of you looking forward to his attendance stopping him from saying what he had planned on saying. “If that is the case, then I suppose why not.”

“Excellent! You need not worry about your departure, son. I will prepare a carriage for you first thing on the seventh if you need to leave hurriedly.”

“Papa, how about inviting the Lee’s, as well?”

Jaehyun brightened at the mention, and your father was in no objection to accede.

Dinner had come to a close with a pleasant mood, and you went off to chase after Johnny who disappeared into the terrace right as the meal struck to an end. He thought he could run away from you. The nerve. You still had a bone to pick with him.

“Johnny Suh,” you announced your entrance, and he simply sighed without even turning around to acknowledge you. “What was that during dinner?”

That being, but not limited to, his constant, incisive stares directed to Jaehyun, his uncharacteristic quietness, and of course the moment he coughed in the middle of the scene which would have been dispensed by you if it were not for that irksome, knowing look on his face quite immediately after.

“Why do you not join Jaehyun and your father in the lounge?” he dodged.

“They are talking about farming," you grimaced. "Your presence is more welcomed than that. But anyhow—” you huffed, taking a stance right beside him. He was leaning against the railings in such an easy manner that annoyed you to bits. “Why do you not tell me what you have in mind?”

A moment of silence. He smiled at you knowingly.

“I have faith that you would know in due time.”

What?

“Johnny, I do not—”

“Moving on,” he brushed you off. You glared indignantly. The absolute nerve. “Hwayoung and Jaehyun?”

Ah.

Your eyes twinkled, your temper subsided. He looked at you with curiosity. You pursed your lips into a smile. “A good match, are they not? I believe this would be my greatest one yet,” you confidently declared and you had expected him to agree, to provide support despite his disagreements towards your pursuits as he usually did, but all you got from him was a painfully insulting laugh; sounding nothing but impertinent ridicule. If murder were not a crime, you would have pushed him off the balcony at that very instant.

“Miss Y/N, take this advice from a friend,” he breathed out in between chortles, needing to switch around his position as he was nearly stumbling in his own twisted amusement. “Do rethink your decisions. I am confident that this match will not go the way as you are used to.”

“Dear John,” you spat, venom lacing in each utterance. “You and I both know that I am miles closer with each of them than you are, I am more sympathetic towards the emotions of others than you are, and therefore it is not impetuous for me to conclude that I am a more fitting judge to this match’s success than you are.”

“And that is exactly where you fail.”

You blew a hot breath, appalled. Was he simply doing this to prove his superiority? To gravel you to the ends of the earth with a much more severe attempt?

“I am not saying to challenge you, Y/N. Do as you wish, I assure you that I will not go against,” he stated, ready to make his leave, walking from the railings to the terrace door, and your eyes followed him all the way through. Though before he left, he made sure to make one last testimony. “But do know that there are some things that can only be seen from afar.”

It was safe to say that this was the second night that you had not managed to fall asleep, but this time was for a different reason. That being the fact that Johnny’s words ceaselessly, obnoxiously echoed inside the taverns of your head like a damned curse in frequent enough episodes to drive to the very brink of insanity.

You were about to go insane— proven by the fact that you were quite literally mumbling to yourself inside the public space of Roselake Tailler Shop.

“That man speaks nonsense! Nothing but utter, indisputable, ridiculous nonsense! He thinks he’s sharper than me for simply being a few years older, when really he is none the wiser! Gosh, that stupendously arrogant—”

“Miss Y/N?”

A soft voice broke through. Dear lord, how you have forgotten.

Prior to your episode of madness, you had shoved Jaehyun into the hands of the dressmaker to fit his suit for tomorrow’s ball. It was on quite a short notice, but luckily you were acquainted with the owner, and that she already had a select few that suited Jaehyun’s frame and face with only a few alterations needed. Now, Jaehyun had emerged from the back of the shop, donning a dark tailcoat, cravat in a stylish ruffle, and bottoms that perfectly accentuated his tall height. You had nearly forgotten all your distresses from earlier.

“Is this all right?”

Yes, he was absolutely dashing, but could he please momentarily keep it down for the sake of your gradually withering rationality?

“My god, Jaehyun. That is by far the most foolish thing that I have ever heard you say.”

You marched up to him, evading the rolls of cloth and stands that littered the place, up until you found yourself standing right before him. His cravat was in a slight mess, and so you silently took it upon yourself to fix it, not realizing that you were far too close for Jaehyun’s comfort. You did not notice the way his eyes widened, the way his breath practically stopped when he could see how your lips pursed in concentration as you were very very close to his face. But what you did notice— albeit only when you looked up for a fleeting second— was that his ears were very much tinged red.

Johnny’s words echoed once more. You squeaked and stumbled away.

He is just poisoning your thoughts, that damned rat.

Unfortunately for you, there was a dress form right behind, and from your stumbling, you had almost fallen over it, setting off a disastrous domino that would have led to an absolute mess inside the shop. But of course that never happened. Jaehyun had not let that happen. He was just in time to catch your fall, arm steadily hooked around your waist, the other swiftly moving to balance the dress form, and his handsome face just as close as ever.

“You seem to have an inclination for situations where you are destined to fall, Miss Y/N.”

Your mind was yet to fully register your current situation, yet your heart was already far too many steps ahead with the sudden flushing of heat, darting of your nerves, and sporadic fluttering of your eyes.

Oh dear god.

With a cough and a huff and a stutter, you hopped back onto your feet. “I—It is not like I deliberately put myself into these situations. I assure you that I am not as clumsy,” you straightened yourself, a stern look on your features, though somewhat forced. Johnny was the cause of this pitfall; had he not rooted those ridiculous notions into your head, this never would have happened. “Please put your hair up on the day of the event.”

He smiled at you. “Ah, I will keep that in mind. Thank you.”

You blamed Johnny for all the palpitations that you have endured and have yet to endure within your presence of this deadly man.

Easy, Y/N, easy, you inwardly sighed as the both of you finally left the shop, entering the main streets of the village. The tailor said that his suit was to be delivered later in the day. Everything will fall into place by tomorrow— this is simply a test of your fortitude.

Your assurance was generously granted as you and Jaehyun strolled through the streets of Roselake on the way back to your estate, because in every side and every corner, from passersby and lingerers, people seem to have been magnetized towards your companion. You smugly smiled in voluminous pride. A head turner was he indeed, though he seemed to pay no attention to the stray stares. It was either he didn’t know or he didn’t care, but you were granted to believe that the former was far too unlikely.

“Jaehyun,” you roused. “Are you aware of the attention that you’re garnering?”

“I am aware that people have been looking this way since earlier,” he sent a polite smile to a nearby group of young ladies that were sitting at the side, right before bringing his attention back to you. With how the rays of gold were showering atop his dark hair, highlighting all the high points of his face, one might believe that even the sun was magnetized by him. “But I believe it is you that they are looking at, Miss Y/N.”

You laughed. “Please do not impart with me your false modesty, Jaehyun. Even a child is enamoured by you.”

“You are far too kind.”

At the suggestion, a little girl had walked up to him along with her sister— Miss Hana, you had recognized. It was an endearing exchange, Jaehyun and the little girl, and though you were willing to wait, Jaehyun had cut the acquaintanceship short, much to Miss Hana’s dismay. Perhaps it was not only the little girl that was enamoured.

“It is simply the truth, yet you insist on pretending,” you sighed, lamenting. He only chuckled in response, striding beside you as you crossed the busy street. “I can already see it, Jaehyun. Almost everybody at the ball tomorrow will be wondering who is this esteemed gentleman that Miss Y/N L/N had brought along to Roselake. Why, dozens will be vying for your favour.” It was unusually crowded today, possibly due to the event tomorrow. All of Roselake was to be invited, after all.

“It is nice, but I do not necessarily seek the good favour of everyone around me. Your father, your good friend Johnny, Mr. Jeon, and you, Miss Y/N,” a horse carriage interrupted your walk, the vehicle passing just inches away from your side. Jaehyun gallantly pulled you away, his hand on the small of your back, and it elicited a quiet gasp from your part. You landed on his chest, and he looked you in the eye. “It is your good favour that I deem more important than those of a nameless dozen.”

Had you not been devoted to your pursuits, you as well would have been enamoured. He did not care about making a good impression on others, but unconsciously he is doing so.

You quietly thanked him, pushing yourself away once the street was once again cleared. “That you need not to worry about, Jaehyun, because I have assured you many times already. We must hurry if we wish to return to Whitland before sunset; there are still plenty of preparations, after all.”

The evening of the sixth was as lively as the stars in the sky.

Whitland estate was not shy of inviting guests, and just as you had anticipated, almost if not all of Roselake have welcomed themselves into your manor. Visitors and guests flooded inside the ballroom and out, the gardens and yards littered with the jubilant merriness of conversations and introductions. You gratifyingly smiled as you stood at the center of the ballroom, underneath the striking chandelier, and you greeted people as they came and went. The current guest being Mrs. Qian— who lended a generous hand in preparation for the ball.

“You have always had an eye for the littlest details. It is quite thanks to you that the mood is pleasantly heightened,” you said with great praise, yet your former governess simply laughed it off in modesty.

“Dear Y/N, none would be merry making right now if you had not designed the entire event,” she rebounded, the liquid in her glass swaying in tune with her movements. “You are most fitting to be the lady of the house, Y/N. All that is left is to marry, but of course, you have no plans in doing so.”

“I need not a man to run the estate, Madam,” you mused, not adding anything further thanks to a new presence arriving. “Oh, Mr. Qian.”

You humbly bowed, and he followed suit with a drawing smile before he took place beside his wife. “I apologize, Miss Y/N, but allow me to seize my wife for a moment.”

“No apologies needed, sir. You are very much inclined to do with her as you please.”

Your teasing remark elicited a hearty laugh from the couple, and right after they disappeared into the crowd. It was quite strange how unaffected you had become to your dear friend and governesses’ marriage despite being wholly wrapped in grief only a week ago, but perhaps it was about time that you had come to its acceptance. You were very happy for the two’s union, and happier when it was, of course, orchestrated by your command. You could not have thought of a better ending for the both of them.

Moments later, you had retired to a separate room which was far quieter primarily because there was a dance going about. You would have joined, but there were not enough willing men who wanted to partake, and that at every second there seemed to be a guest that wanted your conversation. You had just sent away Mr. and Miss Yoon because the daughter’s father could not stay up for too late, and despite it being already hours into the ball, you had still yet to meet Jaehyun or Hwayoung.

Perhaps they found themselves to each other, you jokingly thought as you readied to come inside once again. No matter how unlikely, that instance is still very much welcomed.

Just was you crossed the frame of the open door, a voice called out to you.

“Miss Y/N!”

It was impossible to hold back a smile.

“Oh, Miss Y/N! Oh, how I missed you so!” in came Hwayoung running into your chest as she buried herself in a tight, gripping embrace. You laughed, caressing the crown of her head while she went on with her declarations of much she longed to see you while she was away. She turned her head up, a blooming excitement on her face.

“My sweet blossom!” it was against your better judgement how you decided to squeeze her plump cheeks in between your palms, planting a tender kiss on her forehead. You really could not help but to coddle the younger girl. “Are you well? Was the trip pleasant? Oh, I should have sent over one of our carriages so you’d been of best comfort.”

She managed somewhat of a response, though it was barely coherent (“ish okay!” she tried to say, but at least you understood). Prying your hands away from her face, she beamed at you, excitingly swinging your arms back and forth. “I am very happy to be back again!”

You smiled at her fondly. “I am very happy to have you back again as well, Hwayoung. Come, let us get inside.”

As you two passed by the many guests with Hwayoung clinging onto your arm, she had told you how it was like at the boarding school— her storytellings had always been convoluted, going back and forth from one scene to another, which was a fitting reflection of her bright and youthful nature. Though, when the both of you squeezed past the energetic dancers, the topic had shifted; and you more than welcomed the change of subject.

“Miss Y/N,” she started, a large, curious smile on her face as she talked. “I had been talking to Miss Hana as I walked toward the manor— oh! This was before I managed to find you— well anyway. She had told me that you had been acquainted with such a handsome gentleman while I was away! She says that he is more handsome and agreeable than Mr. Taeyong Lee which I found really surprising because Mr. Lee is quite the most dashing fellow I have ever seen! Is it true? Did you really meet such a man?”

Hwayoung looked at you with her big, round eyes with such an adoring enthusiasm that you could not help but release a chuckle.

“One at a time, one at a time,” you tapped her nose. “I cannot say whether he is more handsome than Mr. Lee,” you smiled, “I will leave you the judge of that, Hwayoung”

“Oh my, Miss Y/N!” she gasped. “Are you allowing me to meet him?”

“If that is what you wish, then who am I to say no?”

“I would love to, Miss Y/N! I should better express my thanks to him as he kept you company while I was away, even if it was only for short. I could only imagine how devastated you must have been with Miss— oh rather, Mrs. Qian marrying. You were not too lonely, were you, Miss Y/N? Oh, I do hope not; the very thought makes me so sad because Miss Y/N is far too great of a deal to ever feel sorrow.”

You did not have the heart to tell her that you had indeed been inflicted by troubles. You had many acquaintances considering your status in society, and you have indeed busied yourself with the company of Miss Jihye Kang from Hartlace, and sometimes even Mr. Renjun Huang whenever you were sick of the emptiness of your drawing room. At one point you had even invited Mr. Jaemin Na to your estate— which was quite unheard of because once the public had made news of you and him being in the same space, rumors were sure to arise and you simply found it far too cumbersome to deal with for the mere sake of having company.

Yet despite all these many acquaintances, none could take the familial position of Mrs. Qian’s wit and wisdom, nor could they rival the fondness of your dearest Hwayoung. It was blasphemy to even compare. But you didn’t have the heart to admit this to the girl.

Well, a thought flickered. There is one.

“Miss Y/N?”

“Oh, not at all, Hwayoung,” you flashed her a smile. “Come, let me introduce you to him.”

Jaehyun believed that he was struck with bad luck the moment he had entered the ballroom, because somehow, despite all of the odds (that were quite frankly stacked against him), there was not an instance where he had caught you alone. You were always with a person or two, never by yourself.

Was he to suffer the entire night?

“Miss Y/N—” you were skewed away by a Miss Kwon.

“Ah, Miss Y/N—” Donghyuck had decided that it was the perfect time to drag you into a dance.

“Miss—” he could not interrupt while you were so amiably conversing with a couple, could he?

He could not.

Once again, he could only sigh as he witnessed your retreating frame, presumably accommodating two of the guests who were ready to make their leave for tonight. He could not even garner the chance of telling you how beautiful you looked in burgundy and gold. He had come to accept that he will never get the chance to tell you.

“This is not an event of frowns, Jaehyun. Are you not enjoying the party?”

Mark, who was alone at the moment as the rest of his brothers were running about, had come to approach his evidently despondent friend with a drink in hand. If he could read his friend’s thoughts, which he could not, he would be able to hear him lamenting over the fact that he even styled his hair up tonight just as you had asked him to (with the assistance of Johnny, of course. The two got along quite well). You would not even be able to see it.

“I am just tired, Mark. No need to worry,” he pressed his lips into a thin smile. “And you?”

“Very much so!” he nodded. “Donghyuck seems to be in his element here, and Jeno has finally come out to join a few others after hiding behind the statues and pillars— Miss Y/N’s earnestness managed to force him out of his shell and— oh!”

Mark lit up in the middle of his thoughts, while Jaehyun only dampened at the mention of your name. Even Jeno had an opportunity to talk to you.

“Please do send our thanks to Miss Y/N for inviting us here! And of course, my gratitude is with you as well, Jaehyun. If Miss Y/N did not like you as much, then I believe we would not even be—”

“What?”

If Miss Y/N did not what?

“What are you saying, Mark. Miss Y/N simply views me as a friend.”

Mark knitted his brows in confusion.

“Oh, does she? Did I misunderstand? I thought she fancied you, really. She would not have called for your presence all the way here, in Whitland, in such a short and desperate notice if she did. Even insisting on your extended stay,” he drank from the glass, shrugging. “But I suppose I was mistaken.”

“Uh—” arranging his thoughts and words in a coherent manner was quite impossible considering his physical state and state of mind— his usual tells being reflected by his ears and Mark did not fail to notice but he remained quiet as he waited for Jaehyun to operate again. But out of further misfortune because his bad steak still had not yet come to an end, he saw you, unmistakably so, approaching him from a distance

The one time he wished not to confront you had to be the time that you decided to confront him.

Fate be damned.

“Jaehyun?”

He sped off in a rush and panic that hesitation could not even catch up.

Mark could not comprehend his friend’s sudden actions, but he could not go after him because at that very moment, you had decided to show up right in front of him.

“Was that Mr. Jung just now?”

Hwayoung asked, confused. You answered her, just as confused. “Indeed. I’ve no idea as to why he ran away, though. Mark?” your eyes flicked to the by who seemed to be in a trance. “Is there a problem with Jaehyun?”

“I’m not too sure either, Miss Y/N,” he answered, still dazed.

“Well,” you clicked your tongue, looking towards the entrance where he disappeared off to. An idea ventured inside your head. An opportunity just presented itself. You looked over to the younger girl. You inwardly smiled. “Hwayoung, would you mind checking up on the lad? He probably went off to the fountain.”

“Oh, should you not be the one to check on your friend, Miss Y/N?”

“Perhaps I had done something to upset him as he ran away the moment I approached,” you sighed in dismay and Hwayoung's expression was tugged down into a frown. “I believe it would be best if I leave him for the time being. But I do not wish to simply fester his constitution further.”

A look of concern shrouded Hwayoung. “Oh dear, that is most unfortunate! Would you like me to talk to him, Miss Y/N? To find out why he might have not wished to see you?”

“Such a kind girl, but there is no need,” you lifted your hand to her head in an affectionate pat, smiling. “I ask you to be in place of me, dearest. Your social gallantry will be sure to bring his spirits up.”

“Are you sure, Miss Y/N? Would it be all right to leave you alone?”

“Mark shall keep me company,” you beamed in assurance, grabbing the unsuspecting boy by the arm, who flushed scarlet at your sudden action. “You may go, Hwayoung.”

Now ascertained, Hwayoung nodded in determination. “Understood! I will be sure that Mr. Jung Jaehyun returns to Hollybrook without any misery or grief. Then I will be off, Miss Y/N!”

You sent her off with the fondest expression that you could ever manage. Mark was about to ask you of something, but the boy was far too slow to speak a syllable because not long after Hwayoung’s departure, you discreetly went off as well to follow her with a considerable enough distance as to not be noticed. Intrusive inquisitiveness was not your proudest trait, but you could not help yourself.

There, through the window, you watched as Jaehyun and Hwayoung animatedly conversed under the shining moonlight, and a smile stretched by triumph displayed on your features. You did not miss the way Jaehyun's eyes disappeared mid laugh from something she had said. It was far too impossible to not love a lovable girl such as Hwayoung. Things had been going just as you had predicted as the two seemed to be enjoying each other’s company, but of course your judgements were always correct. It was inconvenient that you couldn’t hear what they were conversing, but knowing their more than pleasing introduction to each other would suffice for now.

Introduction meant acquaintanceship, and acquaintanceship to friendship. All knew what came after next.

The morning after the ball, all the guests including Jaehyun, Hwayoung, and the Lee’s have left Whitland with as much pleasure as when they have arrived. You had not woken early enough to interrogate either of your two subjects on the happenings of last night, and therefore you had arranged a tea party with the both of them at their earliest convenience— which happened to be Wednesday of the next week.

It was for tea on the invitation, but of course you had other motives at hand. Johnny simply ridiculed you when you had told him. That was to be expected, but you only told him because you were determined to prove him wrong.

“She is quite the beauty, is she not? well-mannered too.”

You took a small sip from the teacup, eyes following the excitable girl as she collected flowers from the shrubs as you had instructed. It was at the back garden that you had arranged the small gathering. Hwayoung was not fond of tea so she went off to gather flowers for a new drawing of hers. You knew that of course. How could you not. You specifically settled for a tea party because Hwayoung would have still chosen to come, though she would simply not join you. That was the perfect opportunity to figure out what kind of opinion Jaehyun had for the girl.

Perhaps Hwayoung had noticed your stare, so she momentarily stopped picking the fresh blooms to send a bright smile and wave to your direction. You returned the gesture with an air of fondness.

“Although I have to say— she is a tad slow and air headed at times. But rather it adds more to her charm than making it fall short,” with a clang, you replaced the porcelain onto the saucer. “Do you not think so, Jaehyun?”

No answer. Your eyes flickered over to the boy.

“Jaehyun?”

“O-oh! Yes— uhm,” his gaze wavered, visibly startled unlike his usual disposition. His ears were pink. A shameful pink. As pink as the carnations decorating the table. Your curiosity was drawn. It was a relief that him running away from you during the ball was only a one time occurrence; you were afraid that he wouldn’t take your invite, but surprisingly he answered with much promptness and without any complaints or excuses. “I apologize, Miss Y/N. I admit that your words were not completely received by me.”

Your lips quirked upwards. That was easier than you had thought. “It is all right. Enjoying the scenery, perhaps?”

“The scenery,” he coughed out. “Indeed. A lovely scenery, indeed.”

“Is such a sight present in Hollybrook?”

“Unfortunately and quite fortunately not,” Jaehyun replied, the blush that had been painting his fair skin now fading but not completely subsiding, and his usual, dimpled smile taking place with an air of charm. “Such a sight can only be seen here.”

The smile on your face grew triumphantly wider, and your eyes directed back to the flower-picking Hwayoung, who had already filled the basket to the near brim. The summer leaves fell perfectly into place and you needed not to even intervene. It was only a matter of time until another successful match was to bloom thanks to your favor.

“As expected. Then I shall leave you to admire the scenery further, Jaehyun.”

He simply nodded, but you weren't looking at him to see.

Unbeknownst to you, Jaehyun's attention had been long riveted to the same spot ever since. He simply wondered how long it would take for you to notice.

To say that the next few days were eventful would be an understatement.

Your determination in getting them together alone in contrast with Jaehyun and Hwayoung’s insistence in keeping your company did not come into confluence, much to your frustrations and disheartenment. They are very clearly enraptured by each other— you were not amiss to the smiles they shared, to their heightened enthusiasm for the others’ presence, and the confirmation that you sought for was already given by Jaehyun during your time at the garden. But if they were far too shy to take their steps towards each other, you were left to take it upon yourself to string them together under the impression of destined, fated coincidence.

Today was also one of your devices.

“Mr. Jaehyun, I am very honored to be bestowed upon an opportunity to make a round in your lovely farm— granted it is my first time to visit one, but Hollybrook is a very refreshing spot to visit around the summer! I might have to schedule another trip here,” Hwayoung revelled in the natures of the area in the countryside, as she and Jaehyun strolled along the dirt path underneath the shade of the tall trees.

Jaehyun mirrored the younger girl’s smile. “I am glad that you think so, Miss Hwayoung. But it is quite a coincidence that we have been frequently running into each other as of late,” though welcomed, he had not expected Hwayoung’s arrival, as it was fully unannounced.

“Oh, but it is for sure such a delighting coincidence!” she beamed. “Miss Y/N and I were supposedly meeting here today, but quite unfortunately and on such a short and sudden notice, Mr. Johnny had come to visit. Poor Miss Y/N really did wish to come.”

Wait a minute.

Jaehyun stopped walking. “Miss Y/N asked for you to come here?”

“Why, yes. I had already departed when Mr. Jeon came and made news to me that she was not to come anymore. Oh, did you perhaps wish to see her? I believe she would not mind an unannounced visit if it is from you, Mr. Jaehyun.”

Miss Y/N had declined his letter of visiting Whitland earlier today, saying that she had somewhere to be.

Hwayoung had grown concerned at her companion’s sudden silence, but Jaehyun was yet to be ready to resurface from his thoughts. He was aware that this had not been the first time you had brushed him off, that you had deliberately made way to erase yourself from the narrative just so he and Hwayoung would be alone. Many a times have you invited him over only to be met by your absence, times that you left in a hurry over reasons that were questionable yet he did not choose to question. He was neither blind nor stupid nor unaware.

He simply did not linger for he cared too greatly about your opinion.

Even when that opinion was evidently unreciprocated.

“Mr. Jaehyun, did I say something wrong?”

But even if that was the case—

“Miss Hwayoung,” he started. Hwayoung was surprised by the sudden volume and seriousness of his voice. “I am afraid I must take my leave.”

“You slithering snake.”

Johnny simpered, looking you in the eye as he toppled over your King on the chessboard.

“It appears you still have a long way to go, Miss Y/N.”

You were starting to regret your decision of inviting Johnny over for a game of chess, but it was a very much needed excuse in order to make sure that everything was to work. From your calculations, Hwayoung was probably with Jaehyun at Hollybrook right now, as Mr. Jeon had already earlier in the afternoon from his task of making her know of your absence. You did not enjoy lying to any extent, only bending situations into your favor, which is why you were led to the very invite that you were oh so desperately trying not to regret.

This was the third game that finished with your defeat, and this was definitely not the last as you two decided to set up the chessboard once again. You were far too stubborn for a defeat. “Please,” you scoffed, lining up the pawns indignantly. “I have far too many thoughts running about inside my head at the moment, and it is not to my surprise that you have won this game by chance. I will win the next one.”

“Y/N, we have played chess many times in the past and never once have you won against me. But it is all right. I will pretend for the sake of your satisfaction,” he codded. “Do some of those thoughts involve Mr. Jaehyun and Miss Hwayoung, perhaps?”

“A grave majority, Johnny. Not some.”

“Well,” he had a rook wedged between two of his fingers, his chin resting on the same hand as he looked at you smugly. You rolled your eyes in preparation for whatever ridiculous chide he had in mind. “From that statement alone, then I assume that your plans are not going as smoothly as you would like.”

You scoffed, raising a brow at him. It appeared that the next game was already to be postponed.

“Quite the contrary, actually,” you refuted, taking the fallen knight into your hands. “The past few days have been going exactly in my favour. Before you make any hasty conclusions, Johnny, I suggest that you see how the two are undeniably so perfectly enraptured in each other’s company. Hwayoung had always looked forward whenever Jaehyun was announced to be visiting, and Jaehyun had always been especially attentive to the girl. And my, and this very moment, they might already be professing their ardor for each other, just about—”

“Lady Y/N.”

The doors to the drawing room swung open, prompting your attention. Mr. Kim had made a sudden entrance.

“A Mr. Jung Jaehyun.”

You dropped the knight to the floor. A hollow sound echoed inside the room.

“Well,” Johnny hummed and you abruptly turned to face him, eyes widened. “Are you still to continue with your speech?”

You did not, for there were no words that your throat could manage.

The clattering of your heels through the empty hall, the tranquil air of the clear afternoon sky, and the faint brustling of the wind through the opened windows did not resemble the thundering storm of disorder that you carried inside your head as you chased towards the manor’s entrance.

Mr. Kim took much effort in running after you because your pace and temperament was just as fast as the throbbing of your heart that rang inside your ears like a tempest coming to whisk you away. You were wildering.

“Lady Y/N, please wait a moment. Please—”

You pushed the doors open without a moment to waste.

And there stood, a mere few meters away, was Jung Jaehyun.

What could he possibly be here for?

“Jaehyun, what are you— why are you here? Were you not with Hwayoung? What are you—”

“Miss Y/N, it is with great displeasure that I admit that I perhaps am not worthy of your good merit seeing as you are quite in shock and disappointed from my untimely arrival— but I am afraid that I cannot hold it off any longer,” he was breathless as he spoke, and he spared no breath for you to release either as within seconds of his speech, he took his place before you, clutching both of your hands, desperate and rattled, and you could feel it through his pulsing veins. “Therefore before I begin, I would like to ask for your permission.”

You looked up to him, eyes wide and tongue tied. His chest was rising in falling, heaving during the moment of brief pause, and you could not even bear to uncover the emotions running in troubling circles in his dark eyes. You nodded wordlessly. He swallowed.

“I am not as naive as you may believe me to be.”

You could hear your heart pounding.

“I hope that you would not be too gravely burdened by the next words that I am to say— that would be the least of my desires. Instead, I would rather you be freed from the burdens that you have been carrying onto yourself since the moment we first met. Would you like to hear it, Miss Y/N?”

Once again, you nodded.

“I like you.”

For a brief moment, you felt yourself slipping away, or so you thought because once again you were met by the reality of Jaehyun’s fervent confession as he was still holding into your hands with no less desperation as he had since the very first second. It was difficult to breathe at that point. He too, was experiencing the same, but that did not stop him from pouring all the depths of his senseless sensibilities, out of regret that he did not do so earlier.

“However I do not wish for you to be afflicted by affections as heavy as mine, because the mere fact that you are not turning away from my touch—”

There was a pause. Your eyes followed how he lifted your hands to his lips, pressing a soft, fleeting kiss on your knuckles with enough warmth to send your entire being ablaze. He looked at you. How he had never stopped looking at you.

“—is enough to satisfy my yearning heart for now. Good day, Miss Y/N. I bid you well.”

And with that, he left. He left, but not without leaving a memory of him behind closed eyes.

I like you.

It rang inside your head.

I like you.

Once more, it rang.

I like you.

It rang until you were already underneath your covers, the moonlight leaking into the window, but you could not sleep because closing your eyes would mean the recollection of Jaehyun’s ever enchanting visage as he repeated those words in your head until you became sick of it.

Jaehyun liked you. Not Hwayoung. You.

It did not make sense.

Did you mistake his kindness, courteousness, and attentive generosity as something it is not? You had been wrong? That was impossible. He had been far too kind, courteous, and attentive to Hwayoung for you to perceive it as anything else. There was always a special kind of thoughtfulness when he uttered a word to her, presented by his moments of contemplation just before making his utterance. A kind of thoughtfulness that you had only seen in gentlemen who wanted to assert a good impression on someone they liked, yet he decided that he liked you instead of her, which the very idea carried a great amount of absurdity because not once had you caught a subtle hint, even a mere glimpse from him that he carried such— such ineffable feelings for you. He never showed that he did

“Did he?”

Would you have been this heavily affected if he had not?

The moon outside your window had been calling you to sleep, and you deduced that it was about time that you did. You only hoped that your dwellings would cease to transpire in line with the moon, but the opposite occurred, because when the sun had come to rise, so did its never ending repetitions which you had finally come to terms with.

Jaehyun liked you.

This new mantra stretched until early noon, and Hwayoung had come to visit, just before it had started to rain.

And at that very moment— as you both sat in the middle of the drawing room— it occurred to you.

What about Hwayoung?

“Miss Y/N, you never told me that Hollybrook was such an enjoyable farm!” the girl gushed in such a cheerful radiance that contrasted your own casket-ready appearance. How were you to break the news to the poor girl? “The meadows and fields were all so very pretty and— oh! I had met with Mr. Jaehyun for a very brief moment, but he had to leave for reasons I do not know. He seemed to be very shaken, yes, so I assume it was urgent, but I do not hold it against him that he rushed to leave. He is a kind fellow, and how lucky was I that Mr. Lee— the eldest Mr. Lee— was there to—”

“Hwayoung.”

She stopped talking, taking notice of your grey countenance, dazed and unfocused, and she immediately grew worried.

“Yesterday—” you breathed in. “Yesterday a very puzzling thing happened.”

“Oh my, what could it possibly be to have troubled you so much, Miss Y/N?”

“Jaehyun came by.”

Hwayoung’s mouth dropped, pleasantly surprised. “Really? Is that why he left yesterday? Oh, what did he—”

“He says he likes me.”

There was silence. You drew in a deep, regretful breath. “Hwayoung, I—”

A squeal.

“He— he says he likes you? Mr. Jaehyun? He likes you?” she repeated it just as many times as it haunted you leaving you unable to speak or even think for that matter. “Miss Y/N, oh my— oh my, this is—!”

Your younger friend was practically bouncing in her seat from the joy and celebration but you did not understand. Heartache and sighs and despondency— that was what you had expected. But the response that she came up with was enough to somewhat bring you back to your senses.

“Hold on, should you not be upset?” Hwayoung deemed the confused bewilderment crawling onto your face ill-suited for disposition. She grew confused as well. The gap between you and her as you sat across each other seemed far wider than it actually was.

“Huh?” she blinked, cocking her head. “Why should I be upset when this is wonderful news?”

“He says he likes me and not you!”

The volume of your cry caused her to flinch, and you gasped, covering your mouth with your fingers. “Do you— do you not like him?”

“Why, should I not be the one to ask you that?”

“You do not like him?”

“Miss Y/N, you are being rather confusing right now.”

You blinked, mouth hung open in shock. You were wrong. Very wrong. You could not have been more wrong in your life.

“Mr. Jaehyun is a very nice, very good looking, very agreeable man, but I do not like him in the way that I believe you are asking. Not at all,” Hwayoung politely replied, her hands resting on her lap. You had only realized now that the rain had grown stronger. “I do not like him, But you, Miss Y/N.”

Your eyes flickered up to meet hers.

“Do you?”

Did you like him?

It was a difficult question, far more difficult than anything you had ever encountered because you had never— not in your twenty-one years of life— liked anyone in a way that Hwayoung had suggested. How were you to know something you feel when you have never actually felt it? How were you to be sure that this feeling is actually romantic when your emotions themselves cannot judge it? Perhaps this was why you had misjudged Jaehyun and Hwayoung’s opinion on each other; in actuality, you knew nothing of love. You simply did not know.

“Do I like him?”

“Oh dear, why are you asking me, Miss Y/N? It is you that should know the answer.”

But you did not

How did Mr. and Mrs. Qian come to know that it should be each other that they were destined to marry? How did your father come to realize that it was he and your mother that were meant to be? All these people knew what they were feeling, knew who their hearts were set out to, but you—

“Miss Y/N, what are— oh my!”

“Hwayoung.”

All of a sudden, you leapt from your chair and onto the floor right before the poor, startled girl without much of a warning for her to be prepared. You knelt right in front of her, quickly snatching her hands and placing the right on top of the left side of your chest. You looked at her with so much conviction and earnestness that she had no choice but to go along.

“Is my heart beating fast?”

“Yes,” she stuttered. “Quite fast.”

“Hwayoung.”

You had wasted no time to transfer her hands to your face, pressing both of her palms onto your cheeks.

“Is my face getting hot?”

“Yes, quite hot. You are getting quite— wait,” she knitted her brows in dumbfounded perplexity. “Miss Y/N, is this a physical examination? Are you feeling okay? Should I—”

Once more, you had changed the position, with you now holding her hands tightly on top of her lap. Hwayoung stared at you, wide eyed, and perhaps waiting for the next question that you were about to ask.

“Hwayoung.”

You started.

“Could you ask me who I am thinking of?”

“Who…” she echoed, slowly and surely. “Who are you thinking of?”

“Jaehyun.”

You answered at once, looking at her, but your eyes felt like they were looking elsewhere. The rain continued to fall— stronger than when it had started.

“I am thinking of Jaehyun.”

It was against your better judgement to run into the wind, rain, and mud with nothing but two thin layers, but all your judgements thus far have been proven to be false anyway, so who was to say that you were wrong? Hwayoung had called out to you to return to the manor, but you were already far too lost in your thoughts, and too far for your ears to hear because you had already slipped past the gates of Whitfield to your unprompted journey to Hollybrook.

It did not matter if your hem was six inches stained with mud, if you were wet, disheveled, or far beyond propriety’s sake, because all that mattered was for you to tell him about your far too late realization that you, more than you could quite possibly know, liked him.

Him. Jung Jaehyun.

And so you ran through the dampened dirt path, past the daises and all the trees and the linings until you were met by the looming visage of the farm house, breathlessly standing before the fence, until your eyes landed on the familiar figure of a boy sitting underneath the porch, who immediately stood up upon seeing you from a distance.

He was looking at you.

And you were looking at him.

There were no words nor time wasted when he ran up to you, fighting against the onslaught of raindrops to swing open the fence gate, grab you by the arm, and lead you inside the house where the rain was no longer. He sat you on the sofa while he went off to get something to dry you off with, and when he returned, a large cloth towel offered to you, he turned over to the unlit fireplace to start the fire. You had not even realized that you were shaking.

“Miss Y/N, I have not the slightest idea on what is your motivation for running into the rain and mud despite the risk of catching a cold,” he started with a sigh, back faced towards you as he crouched before the now kindled furnace. “But unfortunately if it is the Lee’s that you have business with, they have sadly left for a wedding in Oldham just this morning. I am sorry that your journey to Hollybrook has led to such a waste—”

“No,” you said. “Not a waste at all seeing as you are here.”

He stood up, turning around. The rain was muffled inside the walls of the house, so he could very clearly hear what you had just said.

“Jaehyun, I—”

You felt yourself withering under his stare when you looked up to talk to him, words choked up inside your throat because of his appearance; his hair, face, and skin drenched from running into the rain because of you, yet even with the disheveledness of his constitution, still nothing could compare. You pressed your lips tightly in guilt.

“I have been very, very stupid.”

“Please do not speak ill of yourself, Miss Y/N. You are—”

“I am!” your outburst caused him to flinch, the crackling of the hearth filling the momentary silence. “I am possibly— no, without a doubt the most foolish, stubborn, and idiotic person that you are most unfortunate enough to like because not only was I blind to the feelings that you garnered for me, I was also blind to the feelings of my own.”

He almost doubted the next words that fell from your lips.

“Jaehyun, I like you.”

He had to take a moment.

“Perhaps— perhaps I mistook my admiration for you as simply pragmatic because I had never, for the life of me, harbored any feelings of the sort but that is besides the point because I was very very wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things,” you were stammering, your usual air of self-reliance unable to be found by Jaehyun's eyes. It was a different disposition. He did not mind either one. “But this time—" your breath wavered. "This time I am more than certain that I like you.”

Somehow the rain kept coming, the fireplace kept crepitating, and Jaehyun spoke after a moment of silence.

“Are you sure?”

You looked at him, blinking, unable to decipher his expression. You let out an incredulous breath.

“After all I have said, that is what you respond with?” you huffed, standing up from your seat and marching up to him with heavy steps. ”Jaehyun, what more do I have to say and prove that I really do— oh!”

Too burdened by your indignation, you did not pay much attention to your surroundings, and this you tripped over your own dress that was given more weight after being soaked in the rain. You fell forward with a shrill scream, and just like the past few instances, Jaehyun had been there to catch you, an arm securing your waist, a hand holding your wrist into the air. Startled, you were fixed on him, and you had only caught the subtle grin on his face of amusement, ever charming and directed to none other than yourself. How had you missed it?

You batted your eyelashes. He intertwined your fingers together.

“Then, I am glad.”

This time, you did not miss the twinkle in his eyes, to which you responded with a flustered dumbfoundedness. Heart racing, you tried to push yourself off of him in mere embarrassment— you had completely forgotten how much of a mess you looked, all wet and muddy. But Jaehyun seemed not to care because the moment you let go of his hand and attempted to back away, he simply pulled you closer to him with a more humored expression. You squeaked when you hit his chest once again with a thud.

“What are you doing?” you exhaled, still dazed. He simply hummed with an airy laugh.

“Something I have been meaning to do for a while now.”

You could not even question. You did not get the chance to ask him what exactly he meant by that, but it was not any more needed because Jaehyun’s answer came in the form of a kiss that snatched the air out of your chest within seconds.

It was sudden, how easily you gave in, how within seconds you found yourself slowly slipping away from his touch, how any semblance of elegance, manner, and respectability was disparaged into nothingness in between tangled limbs, shallow breaths, and feverish lips on the cold, wooden floor that you had fallen onto. You gasped, positioned in between his legs and right onto his chest, pulling away to take a moment to stare at Jaehyun’s face, heated under the glow of the fireplace. He hummed a fluttering smile.

“Are you all right with this, Miss Y/N?” Jaehyun asked, running his fingers down your cheek, falling underneath your chin as he planted yet another kiss without a warning. You breathed out a staggered breath. “If you wish for me to stop, please say it now.”

“Is it not far too late for such a question?”

He mused, his hot breath tickling your skin as he drew near to your neck. “Are you sure?”

“You are such a tease.”

“It was you who refused to believe that I am,” he mumbled in between his wet, fleeting kisses all over your bare neck and chest, hands peeling away at your dress that stuck to your body from the rain and you had done nothing but gasp helplessly underneath him. You held onto the hope that he was giving you a moment to compose yourself, that was until he dipped down in between your thighs. “Must I prove it to you at once?”

“I—”

You had not prevented the moan from slipping past your lips as you unconsciously threw your head back when he started nipping on the skin of your inner thighs, his hot tongue darting over your sensitivity without much to hold back. His darkened eyes flickered over to you. “What was that, Miss Y/N?”

You were unsure how you were to last the entire night.

The rain had stopped when the next morning came.

It was thankful that the Lee’s were not yet to arrive until the afternoon, else they would see you and Jaehyun on the floor, in front of the dead fireplace, a mountain of blankets covering your huddled figures with the early sunlight showering over you from the windows up above. Jaehyun had long woken before you, yet he had not moved an inch as your head had been snugly resting over his arm for the entirety of your slumber.

There was a fond smile on his face as he watched you writhing, wanting to run away from the bright, morning rays in your sleep and he couldn’t help but release a laugh. Your eyes fluttered open momentarily after.

“Good morning,” Jaehyun mumbled into your hair, still half asleep when he decided to rest his large hand on your forehead. “You had not caught a cold, have you?” you stared at him, blinking, detached, until all of a sudden the events of the night prior crashed onto like yesterday's rainfall. Jaehyun figured that you had finally woken up when you let out a gasp of realization and attempted to self-consciously bury yourself under the covers.

“My, you are far more innocent than you presented yourself to be, Miss Y/N,” he chuckled as he caged you in his arms from behind, rendering you unable to run away. You squirmed when he tickled your fevered skin with a million kisses. “You may only run away once I am done with you.”

It was far too early in the morning for you to be breathless. You turned around so you could glare at him.

“I tell you that I like you once and now you believe that you can do with me as you—”

“Twice,” he cut you off with a kiss, noses touching, an annoyingly endearing smile on his face. His skin glowed underneath the streams of light. “You have told me you like me twice.”

You could not bear to continue with your indignancy.

It did not take you more than five seconds to bury yourself in his chest with a sigh, to which Jaehyun welcomed you with a fluttering laugh, gently running his fingers through the disheveled state of your hair. “You know, I was very worried yesterday,” you murmured. “I had not the slightest idea on how to tell dear Hwayoung that her feelings were not reciprocated. Only to find out that there were no feelings in the first place.”

“Y/N.”

You looked up to him.

“How am I to tell you that never once had I felt that your friend had liked me of any sort. I believe all knew that my eyes were set solely on you since the beginning.”

“Was I… the only one who did not know?”

“I believe so.”

A sound of anguish left your lips in the form of a defeated groan, burying yourself further into nonexistence. Had Johnny also known? That would explain everything, then. You could only sigh upon realizing how much of a clueless fool you have been— going after the pursuit of something that was already deemed futile before it even came to exist. You could have kissed Jaehyun earlier if only you were not so dense; his words, his actions, and all of the subtle hints that he had been leaving had clarified themselves to you now. It was ridiculous.

“But now you do, so there is no need to be upset,” he chuckled, brushing away the fallen strands of hair from your face. “Shall I accompany you back to Whitland?”

“No, my father will have your head the moment you step foot into the estate.”

You answered without even batting an eye and thus Jaehyun had to believe that you were being serious. You were serious. Your father would have the entire village after him. “Tomorrow,” you had come to a conclusion. “Can you wait until tomorrow?”

Jaehyun smiled at you, daylight not shying away from kissing his soft features. There was not a sound to be heard inside the near empty house— only the ticking of a grandfather clock and the chirping of birds that flew past the window. It was the most pleasant of mornings.

“I can wait until as long as you wish, Miss Y/N.”

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folkloreguk · 4 years

Text

Gold Rush (optional bias)

A/N: I honestly don’t know a lot about the middle ages, so if anyone is a history genius, pls bare with me if I write something that doesn’t make sense asfghjk PS: feedback is greatly appreciated!!

genre: optional bias (male), thief!au, strangers to enemies to lovers, medieval!au, suggestive content, reader is always ready to fight lmao, a tiny bit of angst

summary: As thieves, you both try to steal from the same royal carriage. Only it doesn’t go as planned for either of you. Will you get away before the king sentences you both to death?

words: 8.9 k

You had been tailing the royal carriages for an entire day now. You were sure your horse was getting exhausted, but the sun was setting and you knew what that meant. Soon, the transport would come to a halt. They would find a clearing somewhere, with trees as shelter from all sides. Then, they would set up their camp for the night, only to pack up everything in the morning and travel another two or three days, until they reached their destination: the castle. Only instead of delivering the full carriages, with gold, silver, pearls and gems, a few handfuls would be missing. It would be almost nothing to them, you suspected. They might not even notice it disappeared.

To you, however, it meant existing. You had to admit, being a thief hadn’t been your first choice when it came to choosing an occupation for the rest of your life. You had tried to integrate into different businesses. You were going to learn to be a baker, a glover and even tried to keep a job helping out on a farm. But none of these professions were for you. You were tired of being commanded around by men who tried to make you their little maid or worse – ask you for your hand in marriage. The judgement was tedious. “Aren’t you too old to be unwed?” “Where is your husband?” “How many children do you have?”

You wished you could talk back. “No, I’m just fine, he doesn’t exist and none – is it any of your business, by the way?” But you had learned that arguing with elders would only get you in trouble, and perhaps your decision to refrain from living the typical life was exactly what made it impossible for you to keep a job. That was, until you discovered your talent – a sleight of hand that was invincible. Some would call it avaricious; you would prefer to describe it as a passion. It wasn’t evil, just a thrill you enjoyed chasing. The beginnings had been humble. A few coins out of someone’s pocket here and there, some food from an unsuspecting marketer; you had to keep yourself afloat somehow, right?

But the seasons went by, and you became more audacious and greedier for your beloved adrenaline. Plus, you realized that stealing from the rich had something weirdly rewarding. Maybe it was the anger you felt at the king for hoarding the wealth of the land whilst letting his people starve in the streets. Either way, stealing from those who had power made you feel a sense of benevolence. You gave away some of your stolen goods to those who actually needed them, instead of letting all the money and jewelry rot away in someone’s bag and around someone’s neck. Sometimes you hid in the shadows after your theft had been settled, only to see the reactions of your victims. It might have sounded obsessive, but it gave you assurance, when they moved on after only minutes of complaint, because you knew those few coins were miniscule to all of them.

And currently, you were on to one of your most reckless thefts. You were well aware this could get you killed. Yet you couldn’t help it, the glimmer of the jewels and the gold was hypnotizing. Finally, the carriages had come to a halt. From a safe distance, you observed how they unloaded their tents and checked especially carefully where they kept the most desired goods. The wares would stay in the carriages, probably guarded all night long. You would need to wait for the right moment.

“Good job today, my dearest Dorato,” you whispered to your horse as you tied the reins to a tree. Gently, you pat his nose. He pushed his head closer to you, demanding more affection, but your eyes were already on your objective. For at least an hour you stood, hidden in the thicket, waiting for the sun to set completely and some of the men to lay to sleep. With a hawk’s gaze you counted the men and made sure you knew each of their whereabouts. One of the wagons stood with its back opening facing you – which was perfect. It was like they were presenting the goods to you on a silver plate. To the left of the wagon, some of the men had lit a bonfire and were seated around it. Judging by their laughter and lively conversations, you doubted they would go to sleep soon. One of them was sitting on the edge of the carriage, meant to guard the inside. He, who should have been paying the most attention, however, was fast asleep. And that was your chance.

“Wish me luck, Dorato,” you whispered to your horse, running your hand over his warm neck. Then, you slowly moved towards the carriage. Outside the shielding cover of the trees, you felt you needed to act quickly. The gales of laughter were helping against your vulnerability in reminding you that the men around the fire were trusting their sleeping guard to have everything under his control. Sly as a fox, you kept your distance and approached the opening of the wagon only when the bonfire was out of sight. You pulled the fabric to the side and with a swift jump, you landed on the edge of the carriage right next to the dozed off man. It only took one maneuver and you had opened the wooden chest nearest to you.

You grinned in triumph at the jackpot in front of you. With eyes sparkling just as much as the diamonds and gems, you grabbed handfuls and transported them into your bag.

“Henry, change of shift!” someone suddenly shouted. Their voice sounded scarily close to you, and then you heard footsteps approaching. Even though you had wanted to be greedier and steal some more, this was definitely your cue to get out of there. If they saw you inside the wagon, you’d be done for. So, without second thought, you yanked the cover away and leaped off the edge.

“Thief!” the surprised man howled as you passed him. Luckily, this wasn’t the first quick escape you had ever had to make. Your feet carried you rapidly, over the grass and into the trees where your horse stood. One quick pull and the reins had come off the tree trunk.

“Over there!” a hoarse man growled. Now more voices were heard, curses and angry shouts directed your way.

“Let’s go, boy,” you said and hauled yourself into the saddle. You pushed your legs against his belly, quickly signaled your horse the way and he knew the drill already. He took off sprinting, out of the forest cover. The wind in your face momentarily forced your eyes to tear up a little and you squinted against the cool night air. But just as you thought you were getting onto the gravel road, one of the guards jumped out in front of you. The fire from the torch he was holding danced aggressively in the wind. As he pointed it high, it was a blaze against the darkness of the night sky, and Dorato whinnied in terror. He jumped and reared up, and you lost balance.

“Seize her!” a man shouted at your disoriented figure on the ground. You wanted nothing more than to get back on your feet and flee. But it was no use. You were surrounded by a number of gravely livid men, and should you try anything stupid now, it would cost you your life, probably. Somebody grabbed your shoulders and pulled you up.

“Take the horse,” one of them ordered and your eyes widened. If they hurt your best friend it was the last thing they would do, you swore in silence. But to your dismay, as the men dragged you over to the wagon, they ripped your quiver and your bow from your back. You sat still as they tied your hands and feet and hurled you into the very wagon you had just stolen from.

“There you have your gemstones,” a guard spoke. “Look at them as much as you want, because soon you won’t be looking at anything anymore.”

Giving him a gaze so spiteful it should have hurt him physically, you spit right into his face. Lucky for you, he wasn’t up for a fight. It wasn’t on him to convict you for anything just yet. A complacent smile spread on your face as he walked away, wiping your saliva out of his eyes. At least now you had a guaranteed roof over your head for the night.

You were in slight trouble, you had to admit that. In two days, you would arrive at the castle. Depending on what the king decided, your punishment could be as severe as death. But until then, it would be a while. There was still plenty of time to escape, you assured yourself.

All night long, no matter how much you forced your eyes shut, you didn’t catch a minute of sleep. The men’s chatter was simply too loud and maybe you were concerned for your safety, after all – even if you would have never confessed it to someone other than yourself. The heavy chests of luxurious items sat across and next to you, as if they were mocking you for your foolish actions. For hours you sat staring at them, cursing your greed. Only in the morning, when the carriages continued their journey, the rocking of the wagon lulled you into a slumber.

You awoke later that day. Judging by the dim light falling into the carriage, it must have been the early evening. Curious, you scooted to the edge, lifted the fabric that was covering your sight and checked. Your assumptions had been right. The golden sunlight of the last hour of daytime shone into your face. The wagon you were in was the last of them, behind you only the bright gravel and trees left and right. For a while you daydreamed the boredom away. You went into another world, in which you didn’t have to steal to survive. In your real life, you were either born into luxury or you had to toil each day for the rest of your existence. There was no hard work that could have transported you out of your peasant-state and into something more carefree.

Suddenly, shouts ripped you right out of your dreamworld. The wagon had halted, but when you looked out the back, nothing was there. Trying to learn what the commotion was all about, you concentrated on the chaos of voices. Had they all gotten into an argument? The men were all talking at the same time, so there was really no use but to wait and see.

“You will be delighted to have some company until you receive your sentence from the king,” a man said. Footsteps drew nearer. Someone pulled away the fabric at the end of the wagon. Before you knew it, a figure was pushed inside. It was a young man but clearly not one of the guards, as he was dressed like a peasant. With a groan, he was bracing himself up across from you.

“Enjoying the ride?” the guard outside the wagon taunted you with a sneering grin. You spat in his face. Again.

“You little-“ he snarled.

“Let’s go! We can’t lose any more time!” someone yelled and unknowingly saved you from more trouble. The man disappeared and the carriages began to move again.

You welcomed the newest addition to your wagon by staring him down like he was about to take all the gold and diamonds clearly reserved for you. When he had sat up and checked his surroundings, he noticed your look.

“Is there a problem or something on my face?” he asked.

“Were you trying to steal from them?” you asked back. “Didn’t go as planned, did it?”

“Were you not?” he replied. “My highness, we’re in the same situation, so don’t you try to aggravate me out of tediousness.”

“Don’t you mock me, or you’ll receive the same response as the guard did,” you threatened. “And you are very wrong. You are going to be brought to the castle and thrown into a prison. I will escape.”

“Is that so?” he asked. “I see you’re making great progress with getting out of these ropes. You better hurry, or I’ll get away before you do. I can carry a lot in my pockets.”

You huffed.

“The diamonds are mine,” you stated, matter-of-fact.

“Whoever gets out first will have them,” he replied. “I’m betting on myself.”

“God…could you not have chosen a different day to steal from the royals?” you asked, making it sound more like a statement than a question.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was your highness’ turn today,” he said, and his smile was taunting and cocky at the same time.

“I told you to stop calling me that!” you hissed, one second from collecting your saliva in your mouth.

“What do you prefer then?” he asked. His smirk made you wonder whether he was contemplating to suggest some more stupid pet names for you. He better not, you thought.

“I don’t know…what about my name?” you said. “It’s Y/N.”

“All right, Y/N,” he said. “And would you consider sitting on death row one of the more entertaining parts of your job? Are you used to it?”

If only looks could kill, he’d be torn to shreds.

“This is the first time I’ve ever been caught,” you said. “But judging by how lightly you’re taking this, you must spend more time in jail than outside of it.”

“What can I say? The guards love me,” he said. “But didn’t they teach you to be honest? I don’t believe you. Or maybe you were a coward for so long and this is your first time actually trying to steal. What’s the truth, sweetheart?”

There was nothing you despised like people who underestimated you. And with that, you spat in his face and turned away from him. Know-it-alls weren’t going to be granted a second of your attention.

“Hey, talk to me,” he said. “We’ll be here for another while, so we might as well become friends.”

“Missed your chance,” you said. And it was the last thing you said to him for a long time. Even when he tried so hard to lure you back into a conversation. You knew if you gave in, he’d never learn.

“My name is H/N, by the way. Oh, that’s right. You don’t care. I forgot,” he said. And he was right.

Having to rot away by yourself in the back of a carriage was already exhilarating enough. But rotting away in the back of a carriage while an irritating young man filled your head with stupid stories you could care less about? It made hell sound inviting. Even when the guards had set up their camp for the night, he occasionally tried to get you back into conversation. Because you had slept throughout the day, you knew you’d be awake until the early morning hours, a fact that only made your situation more unbearable.

Your ears picked up the crackling of the wood as the bonfire fed on it next to the wagon. Suddenly, a guard pulled aside the curtain. Without a word, he slid a plate with a piece of bread and a bowl with some water inside and left.

“This is going to be hard to eat with my hands on my back!” the young thief in front of you shouted, but the guard only laughed.

“Nice try,” you said, eyeing the food.

“Oh, she speaks after all,” he said. “And at least one of us is trying.”

“If I had one coin for every time you’ve provoked me since we met, I could buy my freedom,” you said. And again, he was in the wrong. Obviously, you had tried hard to figure out a way to get out of the restraints digging into your skin. If only you had a sharp object or –

“Are you gonna eat that?” he asked, pointing his head at the bread. He was willing to share, at least.

“I’ll bite off half and you get the other side,” you announced and bent your head down to the plate.

“Hey!” he exclaimed, shoving you out of the way so you tumbled onto your side with a huff of surprise.

“What the fuck is your issue?” you asked, regaining you posture.

“I’m taking the first bite,” he said. “I don’t know where your mouth has been.”

“I’ll show you where my mouth is,” you snapped. The next moment you tackled him, teeth digging into his shoulder. He groaned in pain, ferociously pushing you off him. His foot hit your thigh and you realized if you had any chance of getting away, an injured leg wouldn’t make it easier. So, you trudged away slightly.

“Are you out of your mind? Did you just really fucking bite me?” he growled.

“Go ahead, eat your damned bread,” you snarled. With a sulky sigh, you leaned back against the chest behind you, shut your eyes and tried to keep your fury in check.

You sat that way for an hour, maybe a few. With time, the roaring laughter from outside had died down. It must have been the middle of the night when you opened your eyes again. The silence let you conclude that your fellow captive had fallen asleep. Finally, you bent down to where you suspected the water bowl to be and took a few gulps. Only now you realized just how empty your stomach was. But your nose picked up something. Bread. In the darkness, you could hardly make out the half of the piece he had left for you. His humble act redacted your opinion of him from 100 to 98% dickhead. Like a starved animal, you gobbled the food. When you took your place against the chest once more, even you managed to snooze off into a much needed rest.

When the carriage steered through a pothole it shook you out of your slumber. Surprisingly, it was completely bright outside.

“You’re just on time,” the young thief across from you announced. “We’re about to arrive at the castle.”

He hadn’t woken you up. Maybe he had earned a few more sympathy points – with emphasis on a few. Only twenty minutes later, you were lead trough the cold halls of some dark part of the castle, down into the dungeon. While the guards dragged you around, even your loudmouth shut. This was new territory and made you slightly nervous. Were you going to make it out of here? So far, nothing was decided. You dearly prayed the king would be in a fantastic mood when he convicted you.

Your whole body was sore from the hours of sitting in the same position on the hard wood of the wagon, so you almost welcomed being shoved through the uninviting halls. One of the guards cut the remaining ropes from your hands, before pushing you into a cell. Much to your dismay, your fellow wagon inmate would also join you in this prison.

“The king will tend to you lowlives when he has time,” the guard said. The loud metallic clash of the prison bars closing and the lock sliding in place sounded like your demise. Your eyes followed the guard’s figure helplessly, until he had disappeared down the dark hallway. A slam of a door indicated that he was gone. Like a nervous animal, you paced from one wall to the other over and over. Your arms were crossed in front of your body and you were trying hard not to have a nervous breakdown. You needed your brain for more vital things right now – like contriving a plan to escape this hellhole before you could be sentenced to death.

“Would you sit down, goddammit!” the young man remarked. He was leaning against the back wall of the cell, eyeing you closely. “I need to think!”

“Do you think I don’t?” you replied. The moment of panic in your voice was short-lived, but he probably noticed it either way.

“I can’t focus if you’re losing it in front of me,” he said. “If you’re already processing your inevitable death, that’s cool with me. But I’m still planning on getting out of here, so please try to process in silence.”

Your nostrils flared in anger and you clenched your hands to fists by your sides.

“You idiot!” you said. “If you hadn’t done everything in your power to make me despise you right when we met, we could have tried to flee together.”

“Last time I checked, you were the one biting me for having a sense of personal hygiene,” he fired back. “We’re stuck in here. But get it together, we’re not on death row yet.”

In disbelief you stared at him, your irritation almost drowning out the restless pounding inside your head. He held his chin high as if to challenge you. And you could have gone for it. Down here in this cold, forlorn dungeon no one would hinder you from fighting each other. No, you knew for a fact that not a single soul in this castle gave one last damn about whether you lived or died. But you were completely drained. After all the sleep you had gotten, you should have been wide awake, and maybe your body was – but your mind was in the middle of shutting down. So, even though it hurt your pride, you stopped your uneasy walking and mirrored his behavior on another wall. Arms crossed and eyebrows furrowing, you kept your eyes on the ground. Maybe he was right. Giving up wasn’t characteristic for you, so why was your head spinning from dread?

In desperate search of some sort of hope, you caught glimpse of his rather relaxed stance. If he could keep up a calm front, maybe you could too. Luckily, he wasn’t looking at you, and not noticing how you drew strength from his so simple but enheartening behavior.

Three days into your stay in the dungeon, you had found a daily rhythm. Your mornings consisted of pretending to be asleep for as long as you possibly could, then holding yourself back from attacking your beloved cellmate because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut for more than five minutes. By midday your arguments had usually turned into playful bickering, because you couldn’t cope with being angry all the time. And frankly, you were bored. Even though standing his endless interrogations about your life was exhilarating, it was still better than losing sense of time and in the process also losing your sanity. Late, when darkness had fallen upon the land, a guard delivered a small ration of food for both of you. This was the part where your bickering morphed back into serious conflicts. If you were going to live on tiny amounts of food, you wouldn’t settle for the smaller ration of the two.

The fourth day was different. When you first reached consciousness, you heard nothing. Usually, he was already awake, noticing like a stalker when you awoke, only to tease you from the moment you woke up. But that day, you opened your eyes to a seemingly empty cell. Until you spotted him in the corner. His body was shaking, and his tiny, husky cough concerned you further.

“H/N?” you asked quietly. Considering the amount of loathing you’d thought you held for him, you sure worried an unnormal amount. But it wasn’t the mere thought of him being ill that concerned you most. It was the idea of having to suffer in the dark, murky dungeon all alone, day to day, until you’d have to face the king, who likely wanted you dead for your crimes. An ice-cold fear crept over you. You didn’t want to – no, you couldn’t – die lonely. Even if he was the last person you could have wished to be thrown into prison with, he was still company. This loathsome cell, the horrors of the near future, the neverending progression of time and the uncertainty that came with it – it all terrified you to the bone. Only now you realized just how much comfort he gave you, all by existing in the same space as you.

Carefully, you approached him. He wasn’t answering you, and he never not answered you. It was a heartbreaking sight. He was curled up in a fetal position, hands clenched to fists on his chest. A thin layer of sweat glistened on his forehead. Whether he liked it or not, you sat down with him. Gently, you reached for his forehead. A second was enough to determine he was burning up.

“Get off me,” he said, slapping your hand away. His voice was so frail.

“Hush. Let me help you,” you insisted. He huffed in annoyance.

“Are you a doctor when you’re not a thief?” he asked.

“No. But improving your mentality will help your body recover faster,” you said. “And you seem to be in a very negative headspace right now.”

His mouth opened to speak, but then a shiver rippled through his body and he wrapped his arms around his knees tightly. All this time, he hadn’t even opened his eyes.

“We need to keep you cool,” you said. “Take off your jacket.”

“This isn’t the time to ask me to take off my clothes,” he said, almost whispered.

“Will you just do as I say so you can get better? Do you want to die in here?” you said, brushing off his words. Something flashed across his face. Fear? Disappointment? Aware that it could invade his comfort zone, you very carefully took his hands. Lucky for you, he let you. When his jacket came off, you noticed the sweat stains that had formed on his thin shirt.

“You can lie down on this, it’ll be more comfortable,” you advised. Without arguing, he followed your instructions and allowed you to spread out the jacket underneath him. This behavior was new, you thought. But you could surely get used it. You knew it must have been serious, if he didn’t give you a silly remark for everything you said.

“I’ll get you more water,” you said, as you retrieved the almost empty water bowl from the center of the stone floor. Set on not spilling a drop, you lifted it to his lips and watched as he swallowed the last few sips. You used the sleeve of your shirt to wipe his wet hair out of his face, as he sunk back down onto the hard ground.

“Sleep now,” you said. You didn’t need to tell him twice. He had been almost unable to keep his eyelids open, so without hesitation, he drifted off into dreamland. For hours, you sat, hugging your knees to your chest, eyes on his anguished figure. Just as you had thought you could deal with the scary ordeal of being held captive in a castle dungeon, this had to happen. Stricken with sorrow, you waited for time to pass. If only you could have slept too, it would have made all the anxious thoughts go away. But someone had to look after him, and you weren’t tired.

His slumber must had been a hag-ridden one. Sometimes, he made small sounds, like whimpers, other times his brows furrowed, and his muscles flexed from whichever terror it was that haunted him in his head.

“Shh, you’re going to be okay,” you assured him, and maybe also yourself. But his tireless stirring only became worse, his body twisting and turning on the uneven ground. He groaned in agony, and your heart clenched like a million little daggers had slashed it.

“I’m here to keep you safe,” you whispered, bending down to his level. With utmost care, you lifted his head and let him rest in your lap. You weren’t really planning what was happening, but your hands found his hands. Softly, you stroked them, waiting for him to calm down and relax his tight fists. His mumbles and quiet moans of distress continued, until you realized. He was trying to tell you something.

“I can’t go like this,” he said.

“You’re not go-“ you started.

“No! My- parents need- me,” he stuttered. By now he was grasping your hands desperately. You sighed and his eyes opened ever so slightly. The anger he had held for you was vanished. You almost teared up at the delicateness of his gaze.

“I need to help them... they’re old and sick and can’t be alone,” he added in a small voice.

“We will get out of here,” you said. You had no idea when there had first been a ‘we’, but now there apparently was. “You have to be strong now, do you hear? Then you can meet your parents again.”

He was looking almost through you. His eyes were so dark, it was like staring right into the deepest part of the ocean. You stroked the back of his hand with your thumb, whilst trying hard to keep a hopeful gaze. For him, you had to appear strong. Or else, how else was he supposed to be?

“I’m sorry- I was such an asshole to you,” he suddenly confessed. “I thought you would steal away the gold before I could. And now look where that brought us.”

“This isn’t your fault. We were both being reckless,” you said. “I’m sorry I bit you. And threatened to spit on your face. And then spat on your face.”

The tiniest smile spread on his face. Success. Any sort of positive emotion could help him now.

“That wasn’t very nice,” he whispered. “I’ll think about whether I can forgive you. You must know, I’m very vindictive.”

His grin was playful, and his eyes were closed, as if he was on the brink of falling back to sleep.

“Forgiveness hurts less than holding a grudge for the rest of your life,” you said. Who knew? Maybe even the king could show remission. All you knew was that you would crumble, would you have to encounter the king alone. Your brain had set on the need for H/N. For years, you hadn’t formed any meaningful relationships – not counting your bond with your ardently loved horse. Now, with his head on your lap and your fingers intertwined with his, you ached for more. Was it really him you wanted? Or had you denied yourself of any affection for such a long time, the smallest contact with anyone appeased your yearning? Would you have felt the same, if it had been somebody else in his place?

At night, the metal noise of the door at the far end of the hallway outside your cell made you lift your head. Gently, so that H/N wouldn’t be awoken, you lifted his head to lay on the jacket instead of your thigh. In impatience, your foot tapped on the ground while you stood in the middle of the cell.

“Sir,” you called the guard with a fake-soft voice. “Will it be possible to receive another cup with water? My fellow inmate has fallen sick.”

The grumpy guard unlocked the metal bars, entering with the usual small ration of food and drink.

“What does it matter if he dies now or by command of the king? Do you think I care?” he growled, not sparing you a glance. You had been almost convinced this would have happened. So, you’d have to resort to different measures.

“Please-“ you begged, suddenly stepping towards the guard, who was on his way out of the cell. Without second thought, you threw yourself onto him, making sure to look extra-devastated and helpless. What could a weak, little young woman do to a guard, other than fall on her knees, right?

“Touch me once more and you’re dead, too, bitch!” he barked. One quick move of your skilled fingers and you eagerly backed off, hands hiding behind your back.

“Sorry, sir!” you said, lowering your head in false shame and guilt. “Please consider my request.”

All he gave you was a grunt of disapproval and he stomped out of the cell, the lock falling into place in a loud crash. Feigning inferiority and intimidation, you didn’t dare move until he was out of the dungeon. Then, you spun to the young man behind you on the ground.

“Open up,” you commanded, suspecting the shouting could not have kept him asleep. Finally, you could pull the flask you had stolen from the guard from behind your back. It seemed to be almost filled to the brim, too. Perfect. He did as he was told, and you let some of the water spill into his mouth.

“I take back what I said in the carriage,” he confessed. “Only full-time thieves have a sleight of hand like yours.”

“It was my pleasure proving you wrong,” you said. “Now, drink up.”

That night, you let him have the full ration of food. For at least ten minutes, he refused to have all of it. But you were stubborn and even though he hadn’t known you for long, he knew that much about you. If you wanted to escape with him, he would need to be fit to run. You had deemed your chances small to begin with, but in his state, you estimated them close to zero. After you had emptied the guard’s flask, you reached through the prison bars and tossed the item as far away from the cell as you could. He should never assume you’d had anything to do with its disappearance. The next day, a different guard would find it there, and bring it back to him under the assumption that he had carelessly dropped it.

Two days passed by. In the first night of the two, you had to comfort him through another few nightmares. During the day, he was sleepy, but had enough energy to have a little conversation with you now and then – something you read as a good sign. The second night, you were able to sleep all the way through, and when you checked his forehead in the morning, it had cooled down a little. On the second day, he had regained his strength enough to be able to sit, leaning against your shoulder.

“Will you stop moving? My head’s pounding,” he said.

“Your complaints make me wonder if you’re doing well now,” you asked, smirking.

“Like I said…my head’s killing me,” he repeated.

“Drink the rest of the water,” you suggested. “I think it’s almost evening. The guard will bring a new bowl soon.”

“It’s your turn to eat tonight,” he stated.

“We’re sharing,” you said. Lucky for him, he didn’t fight back. You wouldn’t have cooperated, either way.

“It’s time to make a plan now, if we want to get out of here. What do you say?” you asked. When he lifted his head, you looked over at him. The color was back in his face, the beads of sweat nonexistent and his cheeky smile bright as ever.

“I wonder…about what your little magic hands did to that guard’s flask…could they do the same with his keys?” he suggested. The way you mirrored his mischievous grin, he knew you agreed. But it would be trickier, this time. From days worth of observation, you had learned that the guards behaved differently. Some adamantly made sure the keys remained in their clenched fists – an instance you couldn’t work with at all – while others preferred to leave them in the lock by the door. You knew you’d never get close enough to even attempt to steal them from there. What you needed was the careless type of guard. The one who snuck the keys into their pockets or left them hanging on their clothes by the keyring. All it took now was to wait and hope the king would keep you locked away for long enough to give you a chance to flee.

That night, luck wasn’t on your side. The guard kept his hands on his keys as if they were his most precious possession.

“Do we really have to go over this again? I told you your pacing is driving me insane,” he said. It was midday of the following day, and you were deep in thought – or you had been – until he had to interrupt you.

“What do you expect me to do? We’re jailed like animals,” you countered. “I can’t stand around like you all day.”

When you saw him open his mouth, you read in his expression what he was about to do. It was his bickering face.

“If there’s one thing I’m not in the mood for currently, it’s getting lectured by you over nothing. Come up with a topic of conversation, please,” you said before he could speak. His smirk concerned you.

“What are you in the mood for, then?” he asked with raised eyebrows. Your death glare said more than a thousand words. “Fine, here’s a conversation topic…let me think…why are you not married?”

“Are you fucking kidding me,” you said in the most impassive tone you could muster.

“Oh, alright, if that’s not good enough, I’ll go back to flirting,” he said. The steps he was taking towards you made your brain activate fight mode.

“I’ve never met a man good enough for marriage,” you said.

“And what qualifies a man to be good enough for you?”

“Hm…where do I begin? I’m not a good cook, nor do I enjoy being a maid, nor do I know how to take care of children. Most men want those things in a woman.”

“You took pretty good care of me, didn’t you? But why waste your thieving talent on running a household?” he said.

“That’s where the issue lays. Men don’t favor women who sneak around the village at night and make their own money from being a criminal.”

“Nothing wrong with being a criminal,” he went on.

You laughed out loud.

“You know what? I like it this way. Why settle for staying with one man who might turn out to be a monster, when I can have them all for a night?” you said.

“Well, right now you’re not having anyone.”

“Seems like that’s bothering you more than it bothers me,” you replied in a feisty tone. If you didn’t call him out for the flirting, who would? Although you had to admit, you greatly preferred being courted to his unnerving teasing.

“Why would that bother me?” he asked. “You hate me, don’t you?”

He was right in front of you now, tilting his head and giving you a smirk that made you consider biting him again. And at the same time, something in your body – not your head – wanted to close the small distance between you two.

“If I hated you, I would have let you die,” you said.

“I assumed you kept me alive because you need me to get out of here.”

Now you had another reason to get up in his face. You gripped him by the collar, looking into his eyes.

“Excuse me? You think I wouldn’t be able to escape by myself? If you’re only trying to rile me up, you better let me know, because I already told you I can’t stand to be underestimated,” you said.

“Alright,” he rose his arms in defeat. “After your little stunt with the guard I’m actually pretty glad I have you in here with me. Honestly, I don’t think I’d get out without you.”

“Was that so hard to spit out?” you said, self-accomplished.

“No. But you only come close to me when you’re mad or worried,” he said. By now, his eye contact was captivating in the most confusing way possible. His eyes occasionally skipped to your lips. “And since I’m not sick anymore, I had to opt for the former.”

“You’re unbelievable,” you said. Unbelievably handsome, your brain added. And yes, maybe he was. Perhaps it wasn’t so much his beautiful face, but the way he spoke, understanding, even encouraging your lifestyle. You had just forced him to be honest with you. So, maybe it was time to stop holding back the truth from yourself, too.

“What are you going to do about it?” he asked. It’s time to give in, you told yourself. Therefore, rather than telling him, you showed him. With a sudden rush of hunger, your lips crashed against his. Momentarily, he seemed taken aback and let out a surprised groan. But within seconds he caught himself, hands grabbing your sides desperately. You thought addictions needed more time to develop, but the feeling of his mellow lips on yours already seemed like one to you.

You had never kissed anyone who had truly made you feel things. Now, your knees were weak in an instant when his tongue grazed yours only for a moment. After so much arguing, it was hard to believe your hands clasping the fabric of his shirt couldn’t be a product of you cursing him but derived from mere want. The way he claimed your mouth silenced even your most invasive thoughts. It was a serenity you had wished for ever since you had gotten caught a few days ago. A moment to breathe freely, make whichever noises you desired and be as close to him as you could.

You pulled him along, stumbling backwards until you hit the cold stone behind you. Being trapped in a dungeon was horrific – but being trapped between his body and the wall left you feeling safer than you had felt in a long, long time.

But the peace didn’t last long. You suddenly heard the all too familiar metal noise from the distance. Alarmed, you sprung apart. As the unexpecting guard walked down the dark hallway, you smoothed out your clothing hastily.

“Congratulations! Your time in here will be over. Tomorrow the king will see you,” the guard announced. You shot your fellow inmate an alerted gaze, which he returned. Silently, he nodded at you. It was time to do something. The guard was now opening the door, bringing inside your food. His key was in his hands – this was going to be an issue. He set the plate down in the front of the room, and was in the process of spinning around, when H/N spoke.

“Sir, may I attract you to a magic trick?” he asked the guard. “I have been practicing it for so long, and it would be a shame if I had to die before I could ever present it.”

“Go to hell,” the guard said.

“I have a coin here,” H/N added. The guard raised his head. “If you win, you get to keep it.”

“Give it to me,” the annoyed man said.

“That’s not how it works. First, I will need both of your hands,” H/N explained. You smiled slightly when the guard sighed. He complied, letting his keys disappear into his oversized pocket. Retrieving them would be child’s play for you.

“Stick up your hands ahead of you. And keep your eyes locked on the coin. Be quick, or you’ll lose it,” H/N said in his dramatic voice. As he lifted his own hand with the coin in it, the guard followed and looked upwards. This was your time. Like a cat, you tip-toed around the guard’s back, not even paying attention to what H/N was doing anymore. Ever so swiftly, your hand slid into his pocket, fingers closing around the chill metal. As quickly as you had approached him, you stepped away, the key sliding into your sleeve and out of sight.

“Incorrect!” H/N called. “But you know what? I will grant you the coin either way. By tomorrow, I might not need it any longer.”

The guard even went so far as to laugh – even if it was a gloating sort of laughter. The only thing left to do now was hope he wouldn’t discover his missing key. But luck was on your side. Without another word, the man stepped out of the cell, shut the door, and walked off. The tune he whistled became smaller and smaller, until it faded out completely.

“Guess who’s getting out of here?” you asked, triumphantly revealing the key.

“You did it!” he exclaimed. You weren’t sure whether it was a spur of the moment decision, or maybe he was just too ecstatic to stop himself, but he flung his arms around your frame and squeezed you tightly.

“Hey, hey, you can’t crush me so close to my escape,” you laughed.

“Our escape,” he smiled. “We need to act fast. He could notice the missing key any second.”

Nodding eagerly, you grabbed half of the bread and downed half of the water bowl. You weren’t going to leave that behind. After all, you never knew when your next meal would be.

“If we make it to the stables, we can get a horse,” he announced. “I saw them on our way here. They’re to the west. The sun should be setting now, if my sense of time is still correct. Let’s hurry, or else we’ll be out of directions.”

“Dorato!” you exclaimed. “They took my horse!”

“The black horse that was tied to the carriage when we came here? I saw him,” he noted. You nodded, swearing you would leave here without Dorato only over your dead body.

Ten minutes later you had successfully exited the cell and approached the door at the end of the hallway.

“Out there it’s on both of us to keep running, okay?” you whispered.

He only nodded. “Towards the setting sun.”

The second you had slipped past the door you were spotted by a maid.

“Prisoners!” she yelled. Your plan to slip away unnoticed had gone down the drain quickly. With one last glance at the young man next to you, you both took off. The way out of the castle was still burned into your brain from when you had been brought inside. Back then, you had already planned to get out, so you had payed an extra amount of attention. When you reached a turn, you barely had time to think about the right way. By now, two guards were after you and you were forced to trust your intuition. H/N was a little ahead of you. The sudden exercise after being refined to a tiny cell for so long made your chest burn in exhaustion after only such a short while. But the adrenaline drowned it all out easily.

You knew you had to be close to the outside, it was a feeling. But then, all of a sudden, a guard cut off your path in front of you. H/N was racing far ahead, so that he could get away. You, on the other hand, had no time to overthink your actions. Before the guard could catch you, you had ducked under his outstretched arms. Now, sprinting down an unfamiliar corridor over the marble flooring, your sense of direction was gone, but your will to survive vigorous as ever.

For minutes you ran, collecting a horde of guards behind you the longer you kept going. When you turned a corner, you were greeted by another long corridor. Only this time, it was a dead end. Nevertheless, you kept up the speed. What else could you have done? By now, your calves felt like they were on fire, breath coming in short gasps. You suddenly took notice of the precious paintings and statues that adorned the hallway. Maybe this was the answer.

Without slowing down, you took hold of a stone vase. Just for a moment, you gathered all your might. Then, you dashed it forward, against the window at the very end of the corridor. Your body followed shortly after, but it was enough time for the glass to shatter before you. In a protective manner, you folded your arms over your chest and shut your eyes tightly as your figure flew through the opening.

When you had passed the window, your eyes opened, and you ducked. Soft grass caught your body as you rolled onto the ground. The impact knocked the air out of your lungs momentarily. But within seconds you were back on your feet. Aggressive shouts from behind you only motivated you to keep going. Faster. Just a little longer. Dawn had broken in, but the sky was still a bright blue to your left. That’s where you were headed. A market place close by acted as the perfect cover for a while. You barely had time to watch out, crashing into people’s shoulders and knocking over bowls and baskets. An enraged shout followed you, but you were already far gone.

And he had been right. Your nose picked up the scent of hay and animals. You had to be close. What if he wasn’t there? What if they caught you again? A short panic bubbled up inside of you. Stealing might could have been forgiven, but for your current deeds no king would let you live. The wooden stables were in sight by now.

You could barely breathe anymore, but something inside of you kept you up and going nonetheless. Every breath burned as you entered, stalls of horses and other animals to your left and right. But no sight of H/N. Nor of your horse. Did he leave without you? Had he assumed you had been caught and tried to save his own life, at least? Your head spun as you scanned the animals one last time. Then, the men’s deep shouts caught up with you. You needed to get out, or else this stable would turn into a trap.

When your feet hit the cobblestone outside, you spotted the mob of angered men and women coming at you. They were holding spears, torches and pitchforks and were livid.

“Y/N!” someone suddenly yelled from your right. The sound of his voice had never sounded better to you. He was on your horse, careering towards you. One last look at the furious crowd of peasants and guards, and then you only focused on him. Only a little more strength, and you could get out of here.

The second he was close enough to you, you started running again. Like you had done so many times, you hauled yourself onto Dorato behind him. Your hands caught his shirt and you pulled your body flush against him. You needed no words. Now, you only needed to trust your horse to get you out of here. Just for a moment, you closed your eyes in exhaustion and took a few, consciously deep breaths. In lightning speed, you raced across the grass and towards the archway out of the courtyard.

And you made it. He shouted in a boisterous tone, and while at first you laughed, you couldn’t help but join his happiness loudly.

~2 months later~

The rough bark of the tree was digging into your back, but you couldn’t have cared less. Not when he was all over you. Not when his scent was so intoxicating, and his busy hands made you forget about any other sensation on your skin. It took no time. You had escaped together, thinking it was your time to part ways after what you had gone through with him. Now, each day you hung on his every word and couldn’t even bear to be away from him for minutes at a time.

Not far from you, your two horses stood, grazing on the grass by their feet. Meanwhile, the two of you, supposed to be on the lookout for your next target, had found another occupation in the cover of the trees. The market close by wasn’t exactly your goal – it was the nobles who would arrive in their carriages like every weekend to spend time by the beautiful lake. While they had their picnics and gossiped about each other, there was enough time for you two check for some gifts to retrieve from their carriages.

You sighed happily as he kissed your neck ever so softly. In him, you hadn’t just found a partner in crime. He was your muse, your comfort and your home. His family was your new family and finally, you had someone to tell all your most unbridles stories and dreams to – someone who could actually reply, with no offense to your horse. Going out stealing was as exciting as hiding between the sheets with him. In such a short time, he had learned to read your face and knew every curve of your body like it was a part of himself, and you had no problem with that.

Suddenly, he pulled away. He looked over your shoulder, gaze changing from tranquil to fierce.

“There they come,” he announced. That moment, you heard the sounds too. Hooves and the crunch of gravel under wheels. Smiling in excitement, you turned to check the situation as well. But you had to be honest, he was much more entertaining to look at. Like in so many cases, you found yourself tied to his gorgeous features and the way his jaw clenched when he was plotting.

“Eyes on the prize, sweetheart,” he said, not peeling his look from the carriages.

“Don’t you know, I’ve already won the best prize there is in the world?” you asked, hearts in your eyes and a cheeky smile on your face.

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