#first wrote also Doctor Who I think but never posted it publicly because I never finished it lol

[partywithponies]

Fanfic writers reblog this and say in the tags which fandom you first read fic for, and which h you first wrote for.

[applepi00]

20 questions for fic writers!

Tagged by @chubsthehamster

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

26!

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

139,299!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Bungou Stray Dogs, Haikyuu, and Trigun lately, but if you go back far enough in my fic career you’d find Hetalia, Black Butler, Doctor Who, Soul Eater, and who knows what else I’ve forgotten.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

First Scar, Rough Nights, Last Young Renegade, Wish You Were Here, and Time Enough.

However if we ask instead what my favourites are it would have to be:

All My Love (Bungou Stray Dogs, fem soukoku, boarding school au, soulmate au but a bit to the left)

When the Sun Goes Black (Bungou Stray Dogs, soukoku, canon divergence, the one where Corruption leaves Chuuya blind)

this masterpiece will (tear you apart), (BSD, soukoku, canon divergence, the one where Dazai gets kidnapped and traipses through alternate realities)

Wish You Were Here, (BSD, soukoku, the one that splits from canon after Dead Apple and Chuuya wrestles with Arahabaki in his psyche. Yes I’m aware Arahabaki isn’t canonically sentient or sapient but look I wrote this before we knew that for sure and also it’s a fun concept)

and Where is your heart in all this, Nicholas? (Trigun, Vashwood kinda, the one with attempts at a dom/sub thing, attempts at care taking, and absolutely no attempts at real communication on what anyone actually needs or wants.)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, always! I love the community aspect of sharing things online and I absolutely adore when people talk to me about the things I’m already vibrating over.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uhhhhhhh probably Home With You since it’s about a twenty year old dying of a degenerative disease but to be fair most of my work is angsty and picking an angstiest is likely up to interpretation and perspective. (In other words let me know which one you would call my saddest if you have an opinion!)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

See I don’t really do happy endings in much of a traditional sense, but I’m gonna say Perfect Disaster. They get their shit figured out in that one!

8. Do you get hate on fic?

Not any that I recall!

9. Do you write smut?

Not this year I haven’t but generally yes I do!

10. Do you write crossovers?

Nope, haven’t touched crossovers in any sense really since I was twelve, they just never really were my jam.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Technically yes. However it was never posted anywhere and I would massively overhaul it if I ever did try to get it out publicly.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

I feel like I’m obligated to say soukoku lol, who else has taken up seven years of my life?

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

Let’s be honest, probably the other two parts of Tell Me Pretty Lies. My sister wants the Kuroo/Akaashi fic but it just was not working when I tried it and it’s been years now since I’ve written haikyuu.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Internal dialogue I think! Thought processes and poetics, I think there’s often nice bits of cadence and rhythm to my work!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Plot. I very rarely plot out fully and more often than not write without any plan at all, or only a vague outline of one. So anything requiring heavy lining up is often not there as much as I’d like. I’m a very go with the flow sort of person when it comes to the specifics in fics (which is funny because I can control everything in fic, but the only time I plan and plot consistently is in ttrpgs when I have to guess at what my friends will do)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If you do it well it’s a tool, if you do it badly you seem a fool. I use it on occasion, and I use it often in live play roleplaying, but time and place and reason.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

I think it was Black Butler back on ye old Wattpad but my sister insists it was Inuyasha since my “original fiction” as a kid was heavily ripping off my favourite anime at the time of writing it.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Answered kinda above but honestly I’m really still so fond of When the Sun Goes Black, and All My Love/Nothing Ever Counts. I feel like my prose was just really very good in those!

Tagging: @feralrookie @macavitykitsune @valoniel @doomedblade @blindblossom @nautilusopus and anyone else that wants to

[truerescreatuconfessions]

this is in response to "you'd think Schemes would have to be on her best behavior now to keep her account - yanno, like the rest of us would have to - but nope lol. She has started arguments in the sb & ignored staff when they intervened, publicly spoken about & posted in her blog/profile about this Rescon and her ban (topics the rest of us aren't allowed to mention)... Just get use to it. The rules don't apply the same to everyone, period. That's policy now. Pegasus & Hallows are to thank for it."

as silly as i may seem sitting here, defending the same people who probably banned me, please don't shift blame meant for me onto pegasus or hallows; they don't deserve that. please try to be understanding and kind. they're doing their job, and..its not an easy one.

my actions or "crimes against res" have been judged, that much is clear. i have no intentions of clearing my name anymore, its pointless, partially because of myself, and partially because most of you have decided who i am for me. on a positive note for those who do care about me, update- i've been putting my mental and physical health first and boy do i feel great. came back from my doctors apt for my upcoming surgery to..being banned.. and i didn't even react. we only give power to what we allow and i choose peace.

i don't care if my name is slandered on here, its been slandered from the birth of this blog, i might've even been its muse <3 :') ily guys for keeping my name alive and there is no sarcasm intended here, i just try to make myself laugh even in crappy situations.

however the same defense i wrote about dan i'll repeat here about pega and hallows, and i don't even know her (hallows). my actions are my actions and please let's just keep the blame focused on me. i can handle it. i've never felt so low reading these posts and at one point it almost really destroyed me completely, but i'm getting by. don't slander others names especially if you don't know how hard they work, (idk how hard now but pegasus used to bust her ass as support and i respect her a lot) or what they struggle with internally and what harm it could do to them, so don't try to drag their names through the mud. its really cruel and unfair. 

also i'd like to note that the only "confrontation i had in sb" where it may have seemed like i was starting something was with rowan, who i apologized to minutes later. in my defense, my name was brought up first, and my clarification of the situation may have come off verbally harsh. it was a big miscommunication, and to my knowledge rowan and i do not have hard feelings towards each other. they're pretty neat. 

i have posted about my ban in my blog which last i checked wasn't against the rules. the rules state to refrain from discussing banned members, not "you can't discuss your own ban"

(however when i was banned people were talking about me in the sb? its the double standards for me) me, speaking on my own ban is well within the rules and my right. i never mentioned word for word "truerescreatuconfessions" or even the words RESCON or referred anyone to this blog, so how did i break the rules/am above them??? i said "a blog" and right away that wording was automatically edited and removed from my posts and i was given a warning. soo.....what are you even saying anon?

the rules apply to everyone, including me which is why im banned, again. anyway, the lesson i've learned is that i can't expect the same love i show people and i've learned that the hard way this time around. just because i call people my friends doesn't mean they really consider me a friend. i'm only their friend when its beneficial to them, such as getting them a job on staff, a promotion, or saving them from being fired. LOL. tea time for another day ig if y'all are nice to me!!!!! once im no longer beneficial, or doing someone a favor or helping / gifting someone (by the way, this is something i would do because it made me HAPPY, not because i needed them or wanted them to like me. i like me, and i.. don't need anyone, except the people who have shown time over time they are my true friends. the ones who call who check on me, the ones who FaceTime me while im in the hospital sick, the ones who send me random messages throughout the day telling me i am loved, and that things do get better, and guess what? they have gotten better.)

another thing i noticed, once i started making new friends, my other "friends" start showing secret animosity. i can't ever win.. things turned around for me post my unbanning and i earned pets onsite but y'all will say its fake. ya'll will say dan changed my hatch luck. the same dan who fined me my entire savings//tu i had on res, the same dan who took my favorite creatu as punishment? lol stop.

the sad part is almost all the amazing creatu ive obtained since my unban weren't even hatched by me. they were hatched by random people or just active users, but that holds no weight here. i understand trust has to be earned. i really did try to be the best person i could be to everyone and as impartial as possible however when people get upset with me for picking and choosing who i decide to share MY pets and my time with, thats where i draw the line, because its ridiculous. i'm just happy that i got to fulfill a few more players goals such as unicorn w/ her albino kioka, and boonys with their achromatic and albino liyure, and i got to witness stargazer hatch an albino liyure which she's been trying to obtain for years and the matching colored pets eldritch and i hatched and tagged matching names onto. moments like THOSE are the ones i'll always remember. i know i have no say over anything pertaining to my account since i'm banned, but i truly truly hope juke gets heartache. they were working on an oak for me and they paid me half, and although the chances of that happening are slim, i really hope they obtain the name. i hope kitsune is returned to jess, she allowed me to hold on to it. i hope espeon, lust, anxiety, requiem and yvetal are returned to akechi. i was only babysitting them. there are logs of this. i also sold reptile to anakin a while ago, but i forgot to tag the name off because i got so caught up in rl it slipped my mind and she forgot to remind me, but it is my fault. the name and pet do belong to her though. i really wanted to gift my albino cyid to zydrate for their memorial pet on their birthday, but i guess my time has run out. i'm so so sorry. 

for anon below who, let me rephrase, for multiple anons who have expressed their hatred, dislike or indifference towards me, all your opinions are valid. i respect you for voicing it. i work on being a better person every day, so no one ever has to feel that way because of me again. i never meant to hurt anyone, and if i did, i am genuinely sorry. 

------------------------------------------

Note from the Moderator

I trust staff will uphold their policy regarding the contents of accounts previously owned by banned users, as no banned user (aside from Matt) has been allowed to dictate what happens to their belongings after being banned or move them to other accounts for "safe keeping" (as mentioned in a statement issued by staff on the official Rescreatu anonymous submission thread). If a user has a transaction in progress with a banned account I recommend they contact staff to have the transaction completed or refunded (I assume staff would have the final say in any pending transactions).

[drawing-way-outside-the-lines]

2, 5, 11, 15, 16, 18 aaand 31 for the story teller asks.

Gotta stop here before i send all of them xD

Oh man! :D Thank you so much! I'm very excited to answer these! :D 2. Describe your story in three words or less Chaotic.... but loving. Not that the story is written chaotically, cause I don't think it is, but I think from an outsiders perspective, specially considering I sorta started sharing the story publicly almost 300 chapters in, I'm sure it at times can seem rather chaotic? Or maybe I'm the chaotic one? 5. How do you choose your characters’ names? Hm... it's many different ways really. For the most part I recall a name I really like for whatever reason, or see a name somewhere in the passing, like a tv show or an online article? Sometimes I use Google, let's say I want a very "bohemian" type of name... I'd Google that, cause I know shit nothing about that. And for the McKinney's I Google a fair bit. They all have Irish/Scottish names (well 99% of them do) and since I'm not Irish/Scottish, and I don't want everyone to end up with the most mainstream names, well, Google is my friend. Also specifically for the McKinney's, their names are chosen because of their meaning. Raven's birth name is Brandubh, which essentially can be translated to little black raven. Ronan, his brother, means seal, and he is actually a key that can seal the doors of hell. Eonan is knight... he was a knight of hell. Aedan (Andy and Raven's son) is born of fire, Andy has a power to control/create fire, that not many knows about. The McKinney brother's fathers name is Alroy, which means red haired (cause he simply has red hair, *snort*) And I could keep going. But I'm sure I would bore everyone to death. Anyway, point is, all McKinney's have a name that has something to do with either their powers or their appearance. 11. Why have you decided to tell this story? are there any messages or meanings within it? First it never meant to be a story for anyone but myself. It started as an RP. But when the RP ended, I had all these characters with elaborate personalities, living and breathing inside me. It felt empty to just drop them there. So I continued writing the story for myself. It was never meant at first to continue for years, I actually continued with the thought that I'd maybe write 5-10 chapters or so, and simply writing an ending of the story. Yeah, that was at least 275+ chapters ago. The story fast became a way for me to live a life I had to at the same time face I could never live out in real life. So I suppose my decision to keep writing, was a way for me to pull through a lot of things, I'm not sure I otherwise would have been able to pull through. There are a lot of "hidden" messages and meanings in the story, but I wont sit here and spoil them all, it's up to the readers (now that the story is actually being posted... here <- to interpret it for themselves.) However, I'm always up for answering questions about it. What I can give you is the message of loving people for who they are, not what you want them to be. To love yourself, even if you aren't the version of you you wanted to be, you can still be a pretty rad person. A message that we can overcome much more than we believe, as long as we keep fighting. And last but not least, a message of never giving up, and following your dreams. And to never give up on love. But above all, the message is simply love. I chose to write a story that heavily weighs on love, simply for the fact that I more than ever, believe what we need most on this planet, is love. And lots more of it. A lot of our issues could be solved by simply loving each other more, and loving the planet we live on, before there's nothing left to love. It sounds cliche maybe, but it's my opinion, and you don't have to agree. 15. What have been the highlights of creating your story? Definitely getting to know everyone, watching their characters unfold and grow. It has kept me to my writing. Back in school, my Danish teacher told me to never give up on writing, cause in her words, I'm good at it. She told me to 'always write, whether I would be bubbly happy or breakingly sad, write

write write'. For many years after I finished school, I barely wrote at all, so I was insanely rusty when I picked writing back up. My story helped me with that, and I found my way back to writing. Another highlight is definitely all the hard times my story has gotten me through. Doesn't mean I am smooth sailing my way through life, but it keeps me from drowning completely, and that's something. I still need to make some major life changes, but till that's possible, I'm holding onto my story, and it keeps me above water. 16. What about the process do you enjoy? *Snort* I think if people has followed this blog more than a month, it's already clear I enjoy creating characters, and as a result post some of the most lengthy bio's on Tumblr. But I enjoy just as much to see the scenes unfold in front of me as I write, feeling the emotions of the characters, often so intensely that it affects my own mood. There's just something in it, that makes me feel like I'm a part of the story, like I'm literally in there. And that's enjoyable to escape into for a time. 18. Choose a song that reminds you of your story A? A song? Like in one? ONE song for a circa 300 chapters story??? How??? How do I cram such an elaborate and still growing story into ONE song??????? Ghost-boi.... pls.... I'll have to get back to you on that *goes into full on panic mode searching through albums in my head* 31. Drop some random trivia about your story Pffft.... First chapter that actually made it into the story (cause there were a couple loose ones before that, that never made it) was actually written under different names, as I was considering sharing it online, but didn't want to annoy my previous RP partner, so I changed everyone's names. Andy was Alexander. Congo was Connor. Evan was Ethan. And there you also have the original poly relationship, that ended up in so much more. Well.... at the very beginning of the story, Evan and Congo still wasn't dating, but it didn't take many chapters. Adrian was originally made as an attempt to create something different, look-wise. To get out of my comfort zone and play with new features. While making him, I sat there looking at his face thinking 'this is me'. I simply connected not only with his looks, but also the character I started seeing growing in front of me, so writing his bio was probably one of the easiest ever to write, and he was very easy to adapt as a main character in my story. He just swept his way in there like a cool breeze on a way too hot summers day and the main cast was like... keh... cool... So he actually sorta became the main focal point of the part of my story I am sharing on my story blog, where Andy is the main focal point of the main story. Akin, the Alpha wolf, was originally supposed to never be a fully developed character. He was "just" a doctor that popped by here and there, but the two readers of my story back then, liked him a lot, and started expressing seeing potential in him. So I started developing him. As I expressed how he looked (he was originally extremely tall and a bit like a rugby player) they strongly disagreed and told me he was definitely slender and with semi-long dreads XD And that made Akin look more or less like he does today <- About that song though... if I have to choose just one song for such a BIG story, I'd have to simply choose a love song. But not a sugary sweet one. A haunting, emotional, longing, breathtaking, yet deep, passionate and warm song. I'd go with <- Witch is also a song from the movie Romeo + Juliet, by amazing Baz Luhrman. So basically a story about teenage suicide. In that aspect it doesn't fit at all. But it was the first song that came to my mind.... Sooooo.... I'll quietly leave this as well, on the way out <- (which is probably a much better fit anyway, both regarding lyrics and music video) 

[theredscreech]

Grammar Tips That Are Actually Useful #2

So I honestly didn’t expect to do another one of these, but ever since my first GTTAAU post got a whole bunch of hits over the last few days, I decided to do another one about a popular piece of grammar that I notice is often misused.

Writers, gather ‘round as we explore the dreadful and terrible aspect of writing that is the...

Epithet.

Dun, dun, duuuuuuuun!

I first want to preface this by saying that I was notorious for this. I am so sorry to everyone who read my TMNT fics from 2016; I didn’t know better and I apologise profusely!! I went entire pages without naming a character in the narrative and I have no one to blame but my own ignorance, which has now been remedied - Hallelujah!

To explain: An epithet has a few definitions, so let’s take a look at them. (Definitions courtesy of dictionary.com.)

1. Any word or phrase applied to a person or thing to describe an actual or attributed quality: “Richard the Lion-Hearted” is an epithet of Richard I.

2. A characterizing word or phrase firmly associated with a person or thing and often used in place of an actual name, title, or the like, as “man's best friend” for “dog.”

3. A word, phrase, or expression used invectively as a term of abuse or contempt, to express hostility, etc.

In other words, an epithet is an adjective or noun to describe or name someone without using their proper name.

(There’s a ton more under the Keep Reading, so buckle up.)

Epithets are used in a variety of ways to describe a variety of any character’s characteristics (haha). Most common examples for this are:

hair - the blond, the blonde, the black-haired person, etc.

eye-colour - the green-eyed person, the brown-eyed person, etc.

skin-colour - the pale-skinned person, the dark-skinned person, etc. (Side note: NEVER use food to describe skin colour/tone (eg. olive-skinned). It is offensive and wrong, so just don’t. If you have any questions, I’d encourage you to follow @writingwithcolor (which I do). They have excellent commentary for writers who write characters of varying ethnicities, religions, etc. Check out their FAQ before asking anything, though, because they’ve answered a ton of different questions already.)

status - the child, the teen, my boyfriend, his husband, etc.

profession - the engineer, the doctor, the ninja, etc.

species - the dwarf, the human, the dragon, etc.

or any combination - the green-haired teen (I saw this one in a fic from Izuku’s own POV), the orange-masked turtle (this one is mine and also from Mikey’s POV, and I am sooooo sorry.), etc.

There are, of course, dozens more of examples, but these are the most common ones, especially in fanfiction, so let’s leave it at that.

So why do writers use epithets so often?

Honestly, it becomes tedious and repetitive to write out the characters’ names all the time. It looks odd, too, all those ‘Mikeys’ and ‘Izukus’ and ‘Natasha Romanovas’ and what-nots. They’re just prancy-dancing all over your page and it looks. so. off. There’s just something about seeing characters’ names that, for whatever reason, some writers don’t like. And I kid you not, I had to train myself out of this way of thinking.

I had to train myself because as soon as I learned about epithets, I saw that I was using them absolutely everywhere. I would write literal pages without using anyone’s name, and four years later, I look back at those stories I wrote and posted publicly, and I cringe. But it’s the good kind of cringing because it lets me know how far I’ve come in my writing craft, that even though I’ve been writing for years and years, there’s always something new to learn. There’s always something to improve upon.

“Good for you, Red, but why are epithets so bad?”

Well, technically they’re not bad. They’re just used poorly or overused or both (as was my case).

We’ve already talked a bit about over usage (unless you missed the parts where I confessed to writing pages without using names), so let’s talk about poor usage.

Poor usage of epithets is when epithets are used incorrectly.

Here’s an example: Mikey looked at his red-masked brother.

Gah, that physically pained me to write! Okay, so what’s wrong with this sentence? Well, unless we’re writing for Mirage Studios’ comic (1984) where all four turtles of the TMNT wore red masks, then we’ve got a pretty good idea that ‘red-masked brother’ actually means ‘Raphael’.

Okay, great, so we know ‘red-masked brother’ is Raph, so why is this an example of poor epithet usage?

Answer: Because we already know Raph has a red mask. It is set. It is eternal. It’s a part of who he is, just like his skin or his shell. If you are at all familiar with this character, you will know that Raph is the ‘red-masked turtle’.

Here’s the thing epithets do. Epithets estrange characters from each other. This is why they’re most commonly and properly used for characters whom either we as the audience/narrator or the characters themselves do not know.

This is why phrases like ‘the dark-clad figure’ or ‘the blonde cashier’ are so popular - because we do not know who the people are! Sure, we can always go up to the dark-clad figure and introduce ourselves, or we can look at the blonde cashier’s name tag, and that’s sort of the point because we do not know who these people are yet. Epithets are used, more often than not, for unknowns until they are made known.

There are exceptions to this, of course, of course, most commonly of which are status ones: my husband, his son, their niece, etc.

These are fine, but use them wisely and sparingly (tying into the over usage part again).

Here’s a better example: I walked into the kitchen and found my husband already there and making breakfast for all three children.

‘My husband’ and ‘all three children’ are epithets, but they don’t estrange the characters, per se, because they’re letting us know who’s who and their importance to the narrator/character. That being said, you should still use ‘my husband’ sparingly because if you’re ‘my husband’-ing your husband, whose name is Henry, all over kingdom come, it begins to sound...not good. Like, why would you need to remind yourself Henry is your husband all the time? Do you have amnesia? Are you just forgetful? Are you insecure? Maybe he was unfaithful at some point and he’s doing better, but you’re internalising that and reinforcing the fact that he’s yours? Maybe you just don’t like his name? Or don’t know his name?

Hard to say.

The fact of the matter is this: the closer the characters are in terms of their relationship (platonic, romantic, as friends, as siblings, whatever), the less they will use epithets for each other.

For example: I, personally, have never thought of my mother as ‘the brown-haired woman’. She has always been mom or mum or other such derivatives. It never crosses my mind.

Contrarily, when I’m working at the book store and I’ve taken a few things up to the cash desk for a customer, I’ll let the cashier know that the items are for ‘the curly-haired woman with sunglasses’. Because she is a stranger to me.

Consider Disney’s film Lady and the Tramp (1955). I haven’t seen the live action, so I can’t make a comparison, but the 1955 version fits for what I want to talk about here.

Please name Lady’s owners.

If you said, ‘Jim Dear’ and ‘Darling’, you would be absolutely correct! While we can safely assume that ‘Jim Dear’ is actually ‘Jim’ or even ‘James’, we have no idea of Darling’s real name. Some pet names and nicknames are technically epithets if we’re being especially pedantic today (please see Disney’s Tangled’s character Flynn Ryder’s nickname for Rapunzel), but let’s say for the sake of argument that all pet names fall into the category of proper names, particularly since we’re talking about Lady and the Tramp (1955).

If you listen closely, you will notice that not once - not a single time, ever - do any of the characters that know Jim Dear and Darling call them by anything else (except for Jim Dear’s men friends at the baby shower; they all call him ‘Jim’). Even Darling’s friends call her ‘Darling’. Jock and Trusty both call Lady’s owners/masters ‘Jim Dear’ and ‘Darling’. Never ‘Lady’s owners’ or whatever else.

This is a perfect example of using names instead of epithets. It helps immensely that they aren’t main characters - secondary characters, certainly, but not main - but the point remains.

“But, Red, the Tramp never calls Lady by her name!”

And you’re right! But there’s a reason for that: Lady never formally introduced herself. The story begins in December of 1909 (thank you, Wikipedia). So by the time Lady is six months old, we’re well into 1910. Conventions in this era, as far as I know, not that I am an expert, dictate that ladies/women introduce themselves so that men could then address them (or something like that? Someone please correct me if I’m wrong). Since Lady never does that, Tramp is reduced to giving her the pet name ‘Pigeon’ or ‘Pige (Pidge?)’. Also, Lady doesn’t find out Tramp’s name until the dogs at the pound tell her.

Either way, Tramp is forced to use a pet name, but it is not an epithet simply because ‘Pigeon’ isn’t describing Lady’s characteristics.

Now, Tramp on the other hand...is a characteristic, and someone can definitely win the argument of whether this is an epithet or not. Hint: it is because it’s preceded by ‘the’. He is literally introduced as ‘the Tramp’ (Bull, the bulldog, says it first in a scene with him, Peg and the Tramp, and then Toughy drops it at the pound in front of Lady). This is his epithet, his defining characteristic, because he is introduced as it: The Tramp.

But this is not his only characteristic. He’s helpful and compassionate (the entire scene when he fights off three alley dogs chasing Lady and then proceeds to help her get the muzzle off), he’s also playful (shows Lady there’s more to life than “life on a leash”), courageous (he fights a rat), and respectful of Lady’s choices (tries to persuade her to run away with him but pursues the matter no further when she tells him ‘no’, and he also backs off when she’s mad at him).

This is what epithets do. Not only do they estrange the characters, but they also reduce the characters to a base level. Those well-rounded, complex babies you so carefully crafted become one-dimensional and flat in the span of a single phrase. They become ‘black-haired men’ and ‘green-eyed teens’ and ‘red-masked brothers’ and in that moment, that is all they are and when you continue to reinforce that, that is all the readers will see them as. Besides the fact that readers might very well forget their names entirely, especially if it’s an original work where the audience is not as familiar with the characters as they would be with fanfiction.

This is why Lady never addresses Tramp directly in the film. If she’s speaking to him, she’s looking at him so he knows she’s addressing him. It’s a subtle nuance in the film because Lady refuses to reduce Tramp to his epithet (once she learns it) because he isn’t that basic. (Another reason why Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure bugs me because I swear she actually calls him ‘Tramp’ and it feels so wrong for her to address him like that.) But Tramp gives Lady a nickname. See the difference?

So, yes. While epithets are not strictly bad, they are best when used properly and sparingly. Like, yes, please, feel free to remind us that Mikey loves his brothers and that Katsuki calls his friends ‘Spiky-hair’ or whatever. These are descriptive and good and should be used, just be aware of when and how often you use them, not to mention why. If you’re simply using an epithet for the sake of avoiding saying someone’s name, then it’s poor usage.

And holy freaking wow, this thing is ginormous! I’m going to stop here because I don’t think I can write another word about epithets and how important they are.

Thank you for reading! I hope this helps. And a reminder: check out RavenshellRorschach on DeviantArt for comprehensive how-to’s on some of English’s toughest homophones and grammar points.

Cheers, y’all!

~ Red

[thejosh1980]

How did we get here?

Since my last post “Don't you know that you're toxic?”, I thought more and more about how I (and when I say I, I mean we as people) process things happening in and around our lives.

How did we get here?

In my 20's, I worked in the UK in offices with a lot of other folks. My work was very computer based, and I enjoyed figuring out the quickest and easiest way to get things done. I learned the old school ways, but I was eager to find a new process that helped speed up my work. I learned a lot of short cuts and eventually had a quick workflow. People were impressed.

Some colleagues would process everything manually just as their bosses had shown them, but I spent the time figuring how to get a quicker answer from a larger sample of data by refining my skills.

I realized it was the process that I was really interested in.

How could I do this more efficiently? How could I make sure I am getting the most out of this workflow? Is this even my responsibility? Can I change how I am doing this, to get better faster and get more accurate results?

Is this the best way to do this?

This is how I still live my life, except rarely is it in front of a database anymore, now it's more about how I reflect and develop myself. I still feel it is not the result that I care so much about, it's about how you get to that result.

Let's take the blog post I published about my ex partner.

I published that blog to process my thoughts and feelings. I felt things, realized I'd bottled it up too long and it was time to let it out. I felt that as I had written a few blogs recently which helped me process my feelings and thoughts on both happy and sad subjects and I was happy with the development within myself after posting, I would do it again. I wanted to express how I processed our relationship, break up and post break up mess. Easy.

So, what was really interesting to me was how other people processed my blog so differently.

Extremes at both ends!

There were also the ones who didn't respond; didn't say anything, why is that? Because they didn't care or have any thoughts about what I wrote? Because they didn't want to have a conversation with me that they thought might become awkward? Because they already saw negative comments and didn't want to give an opinion for or against?

I received private messages from folks who understood the purpose of the blog and how I still cared for my ex and mean her no harm. I had other people who (may or may not have read the blog completely) felt I was cruel and mean to publish such a thing and decided to publicly shame me.

Ironically, these messages and comments (good or bad) are just people's reaction after processing their thoughts and feelings as I had done while writing it.

In fact, while I write (even now) I refine how I write... It's a process within a process... Am I writing this document the best way I can? Is it complete? Should I clarify points further or delete parts that are useless information? Am I writing how I really feel or am I glossing over parts?

Funnily enough, I am surprised that none of the comments on the negative side affected me. I felt totally fine about someone called me a name or told me I was not a good person for posting something.

I realize I have learnt to process those negative responses in a way that doesn't actually affect me personally. That was an outcome which I did not expect, but I was really pleased about.

In therapy we did talk about how people have treated me at times. My doc helped me realize while it's not OK, I should remember anyone's opinion of me, is just that: it's their opinion.

I really enjoyed the fact that I didn't feel any issue about them taking issue to my writing. Having a different point of view is totally fine. In fact I encourage folks to contact me to give me feedback, although I do prefer constructive criticism over personal attacks. But either way, I'm fine with it.

I stopped drinking alcohol almost 6 years ago... What a process that was, but I got there.

I hit my rock bottom in early 2015 (not surprisingly during a drunk fight with the above mentioned ex) and to get out of a psychiatric hospital in a foreign country, I promised the doctor I would not drink again. Just so you know, I have never felt better after making that decision, but the processing of my feelings, anxiety and depression were far from over.

Even to this day I am learning new ways to cope, to evaluate and to process in my heart, mind and soul what is happening around me and, more importantly, within me.

Ask any of my old band members, they'll remember in mid 2017 when I was a couple of years sober, I was struggling on tour socially. At the time I couldn't handle tour life. You see, I used to drink to medicate myself to be the life of the party. Now, as I had to face the issue of social anxiety head on or stay in bed, I realized I had to open up to my band members and ask them for support and understanding while I process what was happening within me.

I was learning to process my insecurities. I learned that speaking up isn't such a bad thing. Being vulnerable isn't such a bad thing...

After all, I'm only human...

It took me many months to come to terms with another band whose band members weren't actually friends. I thought all bands members in all bands were friends. After all they share the cool vibes on stage... It's how I have experienced it all my life. But this was a working band. Eventually the only way I could go on was by thinking, “this is a job, and you don't always have to get along with your colleagues as friends.” I figured out a process that worked for me! I had to act on stage, and off stage, well, I did my own thing. It was tough at first, but I got there... After all, it is a process.

By the way, those band members weren't particularly mean, they just had their way and I had to learn it. No harm, no foul.

For 7 years, with the help of my therapist in Germany, I learned more and more ways to cope, to process and to learn. I'm forever grateful for that process we went through together. The workflow... The goals... The listening... The talking... It was an amazing experience...

Now that I don't have a doc, I'm finding new ways to cope with my issues (a new process to replace the old process...). That would be this blog... Just writing about my problems helps me process them and learn that really, I am doing well, I am handling things pretty well and my future isn't as gloomy as I once thought.

I have surrounded myself with some amazing friends and I have a great family too. Just like talking to my band members, opening up and talking about my problems and fears has really given my life a positive turn.

I always thought I should behave like a man... And a man shouldn't cry, shouldn't tell someone he loves them (other than his Mum and wife) and has a duty to be stoic and tough... I am not that kind of man... I am human... I make mistakes, I have feelings and I know now, to talk about it all, to share it, helps me process it.

Often, just pressing “publish” after writing gives me a wave of relief.

For months and months I've been holding in my feelings about my daughter, Mijita, who I blogged about a few weeks ago. I had many sleepless nights, crying in frustration that I let her go. I couldn't even look at a photo of her, without crying and feeling guilty. I felt pain. I was silly, and kept a lot of that in. I had to change how I was processing the loss of her in my life.

Then I wrote about her.

I hadn't told anyone (other than a few close friends) how important she is to me until that public display of love and devotion. And it was a like a 1000 kilos were taken off my shoulders...

Today I looked at a few photos of her, and I smiled. She is such a wonderful dog, and I miss her so, but now I'm starting to think back with happiness. We spent 4.5 years together, trained, swam, hiked and explored the world together. We grew together, she was my first. I am learning to be grateful for her in my life, not sad that she's no longer with me.

I've started to process the grief I felt.

Writing about Mijita has helped me so much with the trauma of saying goodbye to her... What a process... I'm so glad I figured out a way to find love again...

I will not look at my phone ever again just before going to sleep. Why? Because if I do get any message, from anyone, it sets the mood for my sleep. If I had just learned not to read those messages earlier, I'd have slept better on many many occasions.

The process is, don't look at your phone if you wanna sleep well tonight. I love learning...

Yes, I know it's a pretty simple thing to know—most of us know it—but my wife could easily read a message before bed and just roll over and sleep... Me, my brain thinks and thinks and doesn't let up. I'm going around in circles in my head, then I start thinking about other things, the past, the future... scenario after scenario... And I'm wide awake for another 2 hours... Sometimes crying... Sometimes wishing I could shut off... Damn you boy, just don't pick up the phone!

Speaking of my wife, she has ASD. Yes, that means she has what most of us know as Aspergers.

I'm always learning new processes to help our relationship. She is a unique person, and unlike most folks I know. I have learned to be as direct as possible. To be as open as possible. To make sure I am clear with any “suggestions”. I've learned to listen to her too, and to clarify anything that could be a “suggestion” or a direct request. I know she processes things differently to me, so I have to take steps towards her if I want to communicate with her.

We have a workflow, a process, a relationship. It's unique to us, and it works for us. It keeps us talking openly. It keeps us in love.

I know I have to keep an eye out for her in social situations so that she doesn't feel too overwhelmed and she knows full well how my anxiety can kick in (sometimes at the same time!). We help support each other's process... And gosh damn it, I love the fact that we process our processes together..

Sometimes I forget about my past. What I mean is, I forget that I lived in Germany or the UK, I have like a black spot in my memory. I may even forget some of my friends! I forget some of the wonderful experiences I have had in my 18 years there. The next minute, I'm sad and missing the hell out of Europe!! What's up with that?? I still haven't figured that one out... Any ideas?

Of course then I feel guilty that I even forgot such amazing people, places and experiences in my life!

I've had long discussions with Alex about ourselves and others, figuring out ways to process what is happening within us and around us. We suggest theories back and forwards at a rate of knots. I've also had long extensive discussions with close friends about “people”, and how and why they do the things they do... Or how and why I do things... ! I love it... The theoretical hypothesis... and sometimes conclusions... And sometimes more processing... Sometimes no solution...

Recently I've been working on my part of Alex's visa application to live in Australia. It's a real pain in the butt, but part of the process for me, was figuring out the workflow and best practices to systematically provide evidence of our genuine and continuous relationship. Here I am at a computer, once again, figuring out the best way to make sure nothing is left behind, the results are full and complete and that I am satisfied with the quality of my work.

I continuously question what I am doing... Is it the best way? Can I do better?

Refine the process... Strive for success... Develop Ideas... Evaluate solutions...

Don't we all do that??

If I'm not happy with how I feel, or how I'm feeling about something, I look at the way I've been dealing with it. I look at ways to change the process to gain a more comfortable feeling/result. Maybe I look at it from a different point of view. Maybe I question my reasons for feeling bad in the first place. Maybe I ask someone to be a sounding board for ideas how to cope better.

Often times, the solution, or change of process that I come up with, is not an easy one to execute, sometimes it confronts my belief system, sometimes it's really hard (like a break up) but the result is actually an easy life... Didn't someone once quote “hard choices, easy life... easy choices, hard life” ???

I hope my ex will reach out one day, to show me she has learned how to process breakups in a new and much improved way. I mean, that would be awesome, wouldn't it? I'd love to learn how she got to that point, what thought process she took. What feelings she had to get to the point she could contact me again.

I'd answer her call without malice, without agenda, without judgement. Only interest... Cause my first question would be:

“How did we get here?”.

That's right, no hard feelings. Not to my ex, not to those who wrote negative comments, not to anyone...

Honestly I've just tried to use this blog as a way to process my thoughts and feelings, to help you and me, by sharing what's on my mind and in my heart.

Thanks for reading and being part of the process,

Josh

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X08

OH MY GOD!!! That was amazing! I cried. I screamed. I swore. It was SO good! The 350th episode of Grey’s Anatomy was incredible. There were so many call backs! I think they pretty much touch on every major storyline from the early seasons. On top of that Meredith and DeLuca finally broke up!!! I’m so happy.

Now onto the recap and review! Meredith finally has her day in court! She has to go before the medical commission about her license. The whole gang turns up for Meredith’s hearing. We find out that Richard just got back into town as he was away attending Sabi’s funeral. Neither Catherine nor Jackson went. That’s awkward. We learn that Teddy is sleep deprived because Allison isn’t sleeping and Owen isn’t pulling his weight as a parent. Link then gives Teddy his coffee because she needs it more than he does.

It’s nice to see them all getting along. Bailey then shows up and tries to pull so bureaucratic BS on the rest of the doctors and Richard is having none of it. Meanwhile back at the hospital the residents are holding down the fort while most of the attendings are away for the hearing. Koracick’s student from Hopkins is such a killjoy! I loved all the call backs to the crimes of seasons past! Also a big shout out to Meredith’s long suffering lawyer! This woman deserves a pay raise! She has her work cut out for her.

And as it turns out that’s not even the half of it because … THE SEXIST AGEIST ASSHOLE DOCTOR THAT KNOWINGLY KILLED DEREK SHEPHERD IS ON THE PANEL!!!! This raises so many questions. How is that man still practicing medicine?!?! How was he not fired? How has HE not lost his license when he knowingly killed a man in cold blood?!?!? To top it all off he’s late to the hearing which suggests that he’s still just as incompetent as he was when he knowingly overrode Penny and murdered Derek. WTF?!?!

His presence there becomes even more infuriating as it becomes clear that he doesn’t even remember murdering Derek or the way he treated Meredith. He doesn’t recognize her at all. The nerve of this creep. Poor Meredith. As if this day wasn’t already hard enough! They call Bailey to the stand and she is not happy about being questioned. She answers her questions robotically and acts like she barely knows Meredith at all. The flashbacks to past cases were great!

I get that Bailey’s pissed but her behaviour seems a bit overboard. Does she actually want Mer to lose her license? We find out that the U.S. Government sent Gabby’s Mom from a Detention Centre back to Honduras while Gabby and her Dad are still in the U.S. I hate this. I hate that this stuff is happening to real families. It’s heartbreaking. They call DeLuca to the stand. It does not go well.

I knew Mer being in another attending/resident relationship was going to bite her in the ass and here it is. I hate that Mer got publicly roasted when DeLuca was the one that threaten her when she tried to help after Alex beat him up. The prosecution makes it seem like Meredith came onto to DeLuca to fix things after Alex beat him up when in reality she wanted nothing to do with him and he came on to her. So stupid. I felt so bad for Schmitt. He tried to bring some levity to the proceedings and he tried to help with his testimony but wound up making it worse. I don't understand why Meredith and DeLuca are even still together at this point.

Man this trial is digging up all the dirt! Richard takes the stand and he lies to protect Mer when the prosecution brings up the Alzheimer’s trial. Then they bring in Richard’s assistant from the early seasons! They really pulled out all the stops for this episode! That must have taken a lot of planning. I wonder if the previous main cast members were supposed to be here too but the actors couldn’t make it because of scheduling. And the hits just keep on coming! From Richard’s assistant we find out that Meredith was never supposed to be at Seattle Grace Hospital in the first place.

She didn’t match there at all. When the match list came through and Meredith’s name wasn’t on it Richard put in a call to have Meredith brought to Seattle Grace. He always made it sound like she was on the list and he chose to accept her. The secrets are coming out! Then it gets really good. Alex is on the stand and the asshole doctor who killed Derek tries to pull more punches and starts asking extremely personal irrelevant questions about her kids. Alex says he doesn’t see how any of that is relevant and the asshole doctor tries to say that she’s irresponsible.

And that’s when Mer loses it. After sitting there and being quiet and keeping her mouth shut all day and doing as her lawyer told she’s had enough. This bastard took her husband and doesn’t even remember her. He doesn’t get to take her license or her career or talk about her children whose father he murdered. And that’s exactly what she tells him. Loudly. She makes an impassioned speech where she says the names of all of the spouses of the people that have died on her watch and calls him on the fact that he can’t do the same.

This bastard is a disgrace to medicine and he doesn’t get to sit there and judge her or say her children’s names! In response he continues to be an idiotic, incompetent, aggravating ass at which point Meredith has officially had enough and makes that perfectly clear. In response the asshole promptly kneels over and starts seizing. Karma’s a bitch!

In response Meredith helps assess and treat his injuries and as the paramedics arrive she yells at them to take him to Grey Sloan and get a Head CT. She makes sure that her husband’s killer gets the best possible care because that’s who she is. Outside the hotel Bailey and Richard have a heart to heart and Richard realizes that Bailey is jealous of the special treatment he gives Meredith. I didn’t see that coming.

At Meredith’s request Amelia accompanies the asshole doctor to Grey Sloan where Link and Teddy join her. She realizes that in addition to his seizures he also has a brain tumour so she asks Tom to operate and take it out. Poor Amelia. She’s come so far! Tumour Amelia would have performed the surgery and destroyed herself doing it. Post-Tumour Amelia recognizes that she can’t and gets Koracick to do it instead. That’s some real growth right there. Back at the hotel what remains of the panel decides to postpone the hearing but then Alex walks in and says they can’t do that because a massive group of Meredith’s former patient have come from all over to speak on her behalf. My heart! This groups includes the Paramedic Meredith saved when she was a resident! Katie freaking Bryce who we find out is now a Mom because Meredith and Derek and then Meredith and Amelia saved her!

Back at the hospital Amelia and Link are watching Koracick operate. I love Link! He’s the best! He’s so supportive and kind. And then just when you thought you couldn’t get anymore emotional a cover of ‘Where Does the Good Go?’ By Tegan and Sara starts playing. That’s Meredith and Derek’s song. It played on their first date. It’s also the song that played when Meredith and Cristina danced it out one last time. We cut back to the hotel to find Alex reading a beautiful and badass statement that Cristina sent from Switzerland to be read at Mer’s hearing! I’m crying! She is the sun!!!

We find out that Callie, Arizona, and April wrote letters and support statements too! And Addison Montgomery wrote one too!!! Wow I did not see that one coming! Alex is so smug. I love it. He knows he’s got them the bastards! Just then Bailey bursts in. She has something to say about Meredith. As the panelist says, “For God’s sakes who doesn’t?” Too funny! Bailey comes through for Mer and gives an impassioned speech about how she deserved to be punished but that she doesn’t deserve to lose her license because she’s too good of a doctor. She finished by saying that she is Dr. Miranda Bailey, Chief of Grey Sloan Memorial, “And I approve this message.” So funny! I love it.

Back at the hospital we find out that the asshole doctor died while having brain surgery! GOOD! That’s what he deserved. Suck it! It’s rather ironic considering he murdered Derek under similar circumstances. You reap what you sew you bastard! Amelia, Link, and Teddy arrive back at the hotel and tell everyone the news. Amelia is so happy that the asshole who killed Derek is dead! I love it!

Mer’s lawyer comes back in and we find out that due to the deluge of witnesses who came to Meredith’s defence and the fact that the Panel Chair murdered the defendant’s husband and didn’t even remember her two out of the three remaining panelists have decided to drop the matter completely which means that MEREDITH GETS TO KEEP HER LICENSE!!! YEAH!!!!

Afterwards Bailey and Meredith talk in the hallway. She offers Meredith her job back and she accepts! They hug it out! Meanwhile Maggie and Jackson are drinking back at Meredith’s house. LOL. And then Jackson tries to make a pass and they almost kiss and then Jackson stops himself so Maggie tells him to get out. Good idea. Back at the hospital Koracick’s student is a complete dickhead and pins Mer almost losing her licence on Schmitt who did nothing wrong.

All of the Schmitt’s friends and fellow residents turn on him, walk out, and refuse to speak to him because of this. God he is such an asshole! Schmitt was just trying to help. He honestly thought the hospital had made a mistake! Medicine like so much else in life is a team sport. People like Koracick’s asshole student aren’t doing themselves any favours by screwing other people over. Back at Mer’s place she arrives home to find Jackson leaving and Maggie upset. Jackson congratulates her on her win and leaves. Mer asks Maggie what’s wrong and she says that she hates him and never wants to see him again. Makes sense. There’s a knock at the door and Maggie leaves thinking it’s Jackson. It’s not it’s DeLuca.

He asks if they can talk and they go outside to talk on the front porch. After circling the issue for a season and a half Meredith and DeLuca finally talk about how Mer doesn’t see DeLuca as an equal because he’s not. She doesn’t respect him like she did Derek because he’s not worthy of her respect. DeLuca’s insecurities about not being on Mer’s level finally come to the surface and he realizes what has been obvious from the start. He’s not a part of her life or her family. Not really. He tries hard, but that’s not the same thing.

Like he says DeLuca’s her boyfriend but not her partner. And he never will be. He doesn’t fit in and he’s not on her level. Time won’t change that. As is referenced during the hearing Meredith was on Derek’s level from the time she was an Intern. DeLuca’s never been on Meredith’s level and he’s a fifth year resident. That’s always been the case. DeLuca’s an okay doctor. But he’s not great. He’s not brilliant. He’s not innovative. He’s just okay and that’s all he’ll ever be. Meredith deserves someone great. Someone is as amazing as she is. I’m so glad they finally broke up! I was so sick of this storyline. It was boring and nonsensical to watch from the beginning.

Until next time!

[leowenila]

Shepherd’s Superheroes

Hello! During last season’s hiatus and before posting stories publicly; I wrote this and it might be one of my most favorite (out of my own writings) stories ever! A few days ago I sat down to reread it and make a few changes with more information we have gotten this season. This story is mostly an alternative-universe but mostly it’s a lot of fluffy-comfort with a small portion of angst. This is a long one!! I hope you all enjoy this one as much as I do! PS; if anyone is interested, there is a part two still in my drafts 💗😊

Traveling with an eleven month old proved to be tremendously different to Owen and Amelia than they initially it would be like, once landing, they realized it was totally worth it. The couple did not travel much due to their busy career lives but shortly after Miranda Bailey discussed with the neurosurgeon about having too many vacation days built up; both her and her fiance thought it was the perfect time to go visit and introduce the family she built with Owen, to her family. No matter how many years had passed; she has always missed them in a way that is impossible for her to describe to the average person. Half of Amelia missing her family was due to curiosity over the question of if they would be proud of her new life or not.

Eventually after their plane safely landed and the purchase of their rent-a-car was confirmed; Owen and Amelia along with Leo reached their destination and began walking towards the same red brick building that held countless amount of memories for the neurosurgeon. Once in the building the family stepped into the elevator and rested their backs on the wall, Amelia sighed causing the small boy to giggle at his mom and later causing all three of them to laugh. Watching Owen bounce Leo on his hip bone made the brunette realize that what she found attractive in Owen was drastically different than what she found attractive many years ago; as she was in the same exact elevator.

“Shut up; bitches. I need to get laid. I need to get laid, really bad.” The young brunette shared with the other two women on the elevator- in her true, non-existent filter self. Both Addison and Violet brought their conversation to a pause once hearing Amelia’s declaration. The psychologist grew concerned due to the fact of not knowing the neurosurgeon well.

“So bad that I’m going to run naked through the street and grind a cop, if something doesn’t happen soon. Wouldn’t one of you just lie on top of me and rub around, for like ten minutes.”

Her laughter amplified once the particular memory of her, Violet and Addison after Amelia returned from her Seattle trip. Owen stared at the same beautiful smile he could watch all week long and noticed how truly happy she seemed once breathing in the California air. Choosing not to question her about why her laughter changed, the two walked off the elevator with Leo beside them, towards a blonde receptionist at the desk and allowed the brunette to take charge with the plan she had in mind since sitting on the plane.

“Hello, our son; Leo, has an appointment with Dr. Cooper Freedman for his yearly checkup.” Amelia informed the blonde receptionist that appeared to be new from since her sudden departure from the group nearly six years ago.

With a confused expression upon her face, the receptionist looked up and down her computer screen to find the brunette’s name.

“I’m sorry, but are you positive his name isn’t under a different name? Maybe you are scheduled for a different day or-?” The not-so-friendly but unamused receptionist asked Amelia. Owen watched Amelia for a second before he noticed a small invisible light bulb, lit up inside of her beautiful brain. Knowing his fiancé well, the trauma surgeon took it as a cue before speaking to the blonde in front of him.

“Excuse me; ma’am? Could you please point me in the direction of the restrooms. We had a very long drive and did not think to find a place before arriving.”

The receptionist removed herself from the back of the desk; where she had been sitting and started walking with Owen and Leo, and made their way to the restrooms. Once the woman was gone and Owen’s back was turned, Amelia began to walk back to the familiar area. The area that hasn’t changed a bit. The area that so many memories were made. And that’s when she saw her family.

Deciding to have her identity remain anonymous the brunette kept her dark-shaded sunglasses on her cerulean eyes and slowly walked into the legendary kitchen of Seaside Wellness Group. Every doctor from the practice was enjoying sandwiches that appeared to be catered by a local sandwich shop.

“I was wondering where I could maybe find a doctor?”

“Oh hello; I’m sorry ma’am, but this area is for employees only. The receptionist should be able to point you in the direction of the waiting room.” The familiar and ever-so-kind male psychologist suggested to who he thought was a stranger.

Amelia continued to stand she removed her sunglasses and before she had time to fix her short hair, every person in the room gasped at who was standing in the kitchen across from them. As if on an impulse all of them stopped what they were doing and practically ran over to Amelia.

“Amelia? Amelia Shepherd? What the hell are you doin’ here?” Charlotte asked with her thick southern accent still very present, after hugging her “junkie best friend” tightly and they smiled at one another.

“Vacation! I need a vacation and I thought what better people to visit my favorite people.”

From afar stood her former sister-in-law, grinning ear to ear with tears shining in her electric blue eyes. Addison shook her head once Amelia removed herself from the blonde’s hug, neither one of them moved for a few moments until they couldn’t take a second more apart. Addison wrapped her longer arms around Amelia and held on for longer than she thought she would, the brunette buried her head into Addison’s shoulder and silently started to allow happy tears to pour out of her eyes. After reconnecting with the people Amelia loved the most, she wiped her tears away as Addison escorted her sister towards the sandwiches where she began to enjoy lunch with them just like old times.

“I have to catch up on some charts; but it is so wonderful to see you again, Amelia.” Jake told Amelia as he held several patient charts in one arm and hugged her from the side. Once done hugging him, Amelia returned to the crafting of her sandwich.

Moments later after returning from the restroom with Leo; the trauma surgeon began to wander the hallways of the welcoming practice and noticed a quiet yet beautifully lit, to his left; with the door slightly open already, he made his way inside. Unaware of a unique calmness that coursed through his body, Owen felt guided to walk towards the wall with multiple framed photographs.

“Bradley S. Kramer. Detroit, Michigan

Lucile “Lulu” E. Allen. Los Angeles, California

Sarah G. Tanner. Chicago, Illinois

Gideon T. Yang. Los Angeles, California”

The trauma surgeon read the four names to himself and saw their photographs. Confused as to what and why the four children were standing beside his fiance; Owen slightly jumped upon hearing one of the doctors at the practice he assumed was Addison’s husband based on photos Amelia has shown him in the past.

“That was an incredible day for all of us; but definitely for Amelia.” Jake told Owen as he also focused on the wall in front of the two men, a smile washed over his face as he remembered that day clearly.

“What is this exactly? Why was it such an incredible day?” The dumbfounded trauma surgeon asked the dark haired man with several patient files in between his arm muscle and his side.

“You see this little guy; right here?” Jake pointed to the photograph in the center of the wall; a small baby boy wrapped in a sky blue blanket, held by his mother. His eyes were closed and his body was small and fragile like. Some moments after fixing his eyes on the small baby; Owen noticed the woman holding the baby, none other than Amelia with a giant smile on her face holding her perfect son. The same son she had told Owen that only lived for forty three minutes, several years ago.

“This is Christopher. Amelia’s son. And children like Gideon and Lulu and Bradley are just some of the children he saved because Amelia decided to donate all of his organs so other kids could leave the hospital. He was, or should I say still is her little superhero.”

No words came to the trauma surgeon’s mouth as he remained speechless, a few months ago was one of the first times that Amelia spoke about her son and told Owen his name but she never talked about what had happened after forty three minutes had passed. She told him that she will tell him the rest of the story one day. Jake left Owen with the bright smile on his face after his visit. Removing Owen from his thoughts; the trauma surgeon heard a knock on the glass door, he looked up and saw the brunette.

“That was a spectacular day.” She said as she walked into the office in which used to be Pete’s office, the brunette watched her fiance continuing to look in shock.

“Remember when I ran away because I was afraid to have your baby?” The brunette asked him; without saying a word, Owen shook his head and turned his attention on her to agree with her.

“Well I didn’t only run away to Stephanie’s.. I flew to Los Angeles to be apart of the grand opening of this office, in my happy place. This little boy is my superhero. Each one of these kids are my superheroes.” Amelia told Owen after she hugged him tightly in a place she never imagined she would be with the love of her life. A place from her past but also a place of her present. A state that she considered home. From afar on the couch in the same somewhat large room; Leo watched on has his parents embraced and giggled. Causing all three of them to laugh.

Hope you all enjoyed!

[myfangirllists]

Fanfiction List (USUK)

A compilation of my favorite USUK works!

Completed and uncompleted

Dead Ringer by Fire_Bear

Arthur is having lunch with a co-worker when a couple pass by and tell him he looks exactly like the man an entire art exhibition is based on. Dragged to the gallery, he finds not only some amazing art but also someone he has not seen in years...

Type: One shot

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Keep Quiet by AkaiShinda (orphan_account)

Starting from a prompt. After being saved by a stranger, Arthur is waken by his savior; a young man with an unusual mission in the evenings and who protects him even from himself in a surprisingly natural, tender way. They don't know each other, but Alfred is determined to help him in recovery. After getting to know him slightly better Arthur is dazed to realize, Alfred's personality is the unification of enigmas and on the other side, pure and clear intentions. He can't help but stick around and carefully mend the pieces together... only to find entirely new purposes to live for.

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Incomplete

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The Languages of Love by merakily (fengbi)

Arthur and Alfred first meet as university students in a coffee shop. This is how they came to spend their lives together.

Type: One shot 

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From Me To You by a_forgotten_note

After going through three several years of schooling, Alfred comes to the startling realization that he had no plans after college. Without much else to go for, he enrolls in the military for four years of initial deployment. But Afghanistan becomes very lonely very quick... In hopes of rekindling an old friendship, Alfred writes to his old college roommate. The only question is: will their letters relieve his homesickness, or will it only become worse?

Type: One shot

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A Week in a Hotel by bluekujira

This is a fanfiction I wrote for my friend (zombiepurplefox on tumblr) based off a prompt she sent me!

I apologize for any errors I did go back an edit this but I still might have missed stuff!

Also I changed the prompt slightly. Instead of living together they stay in a hotel together.

The Prompt: 'You live in the apartment above me and your water pipes burst and is flooding into my apartment and you can hear me yelling so you come down to my apartment to see what's going on and witness me standing in my kitchen/bathroom/whatever, holding an umbrella, screaming at the water pouring out of my ceiling and crying because I have no idea what to do and we both just kinda stand there in shock as my stuff gets ruined and you let me crash at your place til my place gets fixed cause you feel bad' (CREDIT TO shittemore on tumblr for this prompt)

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Complete

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Forever Mine by anon posted at hetalia_kink

Dating a serial killer!AU. Arthur was attacked by a serial killer on the bus on his way home.

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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Complicated Shadow by Ellarose C  

The US government's witness protection program has never had a witness die while under its protection. After innocent civilian Arthur Kirkland witnesses a murder ordered by the Vargas mob, will a hero's protection be enough to keep the record clean?

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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♡ Cuckoo in the Nest by PennyLane

Human AU. Arthur is a famous novelist in hiding from the paparazzi after he is publicly humiliated when he is left standing at the altar. Alfred is the very competent personal assistant hired by Arthur’s agent to keep him hidden and safe while he completes his newest novel, the novel that just might change all their lives. [Previous Spain/England relationship.]

Type: One Shot

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American in America by Ferrero13 

America, being America, says something he should've known better than to say in his own airport, whereupon he is taken in for questioning and finds it very difficult to explain why this particular nineteen-year-old seems to be as politically active as the President himself.

Type: One Shot

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Work Your Magic by PixieDust291

Arthur is a wizard who's being forced into an arranged marriage despite his protests. Though, it seems he is saved by a magical Scottish fold named Iggy. With Iggy as his familiar Arthur finds himself not only falling in love with a human but also surrounded by a sea of lies and deception. When nothing else makes sense, what can one believe to be the truth?

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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Divination's Greatest Flaw by rae1112

Arthur Kirkland, master of Divination, fancied himself a prophetic matchmaker. His best friends would agree...if only he could make a prophetic match for himself.

Pottertalia.

Type: Two Shot

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Day One by mandathegreat

“Day One: My name is Arthur Kirkland, and I am currently in Atlanta, Georgia. I am recording myself, and my experiences, because—well, I don’t know. I think it’s the end of the world—“

Arthur and Alfred meet at the end of the world. They are going to have to learn to survive.

USUK Walking Dead AU

Type: One Shot

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A Proof of Diplomacy by orphan_account 

“If you leave me, I’ll kill you. I could kill you here and now.”

After the war, in his most vulnerable years, Arthur, or Great Britain, is at his most dishonest. He lies to himself more than anyone. Apart from Alfred, the United States, perhaps. He lies when he says that he doesn't believe Alfred's lies and hopes, his beautiful, beautiful lies.

Type: One Shot

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Standing In Your Heart by amine  

"Arthur had gone from spending the afternoons with his friend to having his magical training increased tenfold. Warlocks would be needed to ensure that Spades maintained the upper hand in the war, and the Kirkland family had a long tradition of powerful magic. Arthur hadn’t complained and had instead thrown himself into his studies so as to be an asset to the new king. His love for the kingdom of his birth demanded it.

More than that, his love for Alfred demanded it."

Type: One Shot

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Communication is Key by inkwells_writing

Arthur had good friends he supposed.

But right now, Arthur hated them. They were just trying to be nice, but really. They thought he was single, and that he had been single for a very long time. And yes, he had been single for two years before he started dating Alfred, but he was now in a three month-long relationship. A three-month long happy relationship. A three-month long happy, and sadly, secret relationship.

They just had to go and set him up on a bloody blind date. Arthur just had no idea how he was going to tell his boyfriend.

Type: One Shot

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Hospital Flowers by hoshiko2kokoro  

A firefighter has done more than just save Arthur's life. He's giving him a whole new perspective on life.

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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Where The Most Beautiful Roses Grow by fakiagirl  

Arthur moves into a quiet American suburb with the intention of starting a new, calmer chapter of his life. It doesn't take long for him to meet Alfred, one of his new neighbors. Little does he know that this is a place where romance can bloom.

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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A Distance of 3000 Miles by fakiagirl  

5000 kilometers; the distance between their two closest shores. A safe distance, close enough that they can see each other occasionally, but far enough away that neither of them will ever get hurt again. Then, one summer, Alfred visits. 

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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♡ Starships by PixieDust291  

Blind and held prisoner, Arthur finds himself at the mercy of Alfred, a space pirate with a truly curious crew. Alfred is determined to seduce Arthur, and Arthur fears his resolve won't last. His duty is clear, but so is his desire. As the days tick by Arthur begins to question what loyalty means. He begins to realize that being a prisoner may actually set him free. 

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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Look to the Future Now, It's Only Just Begun by Teenage Mouse  

Pottertalia. Arthur and Alfred are paired up to read each other's love fortunes in Divination class. Naturally, they're both too obvlious to realise that the signs are pointing to each other. 

Type: One Shot

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♡ We'll Meet Again by George deValier  

WW2 AU. London pub owner Arthur Kirkland is driven to distraction by loud, brash American fighter pilot Alfred Jones. Unable to stop it, Arthur finds himself falling for Alfred's charms... just as the pilot is preparing to leave for war. 

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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Keep Smiling Through by George deValier   

'We'll Meet Again' mini-sequel. Keep smiling through, just like you always do; 'til the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away! USUK

Type: One Shot

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♡ Pointblank by worldaccordingtofangirls  

WWII AU: Arthur is a gifted volunteer doctor. Alfred is a bomber pilot. Love strikes us pointblank, right between the eyes, in the most inconvenient of places. The battlefield is no exception.

Type: Multi chapters

Status: Completed

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Man's Best Friends by Inkblooded Witch  

Monty doesn't consider himself a needy sort of cat. He and his human have an understanding of how things work, and Monty was under the impression that part of this understanding included a 'No Dogs' rule. So he's not best pleased when his human finds a mate that has one of the beasts.

Mostly pet POV, USUK on the side. Experimental slice-of-life style, be nice! :)

Type: One Shot

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Smart Pranks by SillyKwado  

Alfred and Arthur were famous throughout the school for not getting along. Even though the two history teachers and had to set an example for the students, they still ended up resorting to petty pranks and arguments. For some reason, the two always found something to argue about or a new way to rile the other up. But perhaps there's a deeper meaning to the pranks and insults…

Type: One Shot

[truerescreatuconfessions]

The past few days have been like a slap in the face so I'm sorry but I'm have to say this. I apologize to everyone but this is going to be long. I am aware that Pat will probably never see this post so it's pointless, but I have to say it anyway.

First, I'm going to start with a positive. Thank you to Lilith for being brave enough to pass on that anon message to Pat. Thank you also to Burrito for giving us a place to voice our concerns where they can't be shut down, whether Pat chooses to listen or not.

Now to business. I'll start with you Pat, on the off chance that you'll someday read this somehow. As people have said, no one is complaining about your recolor OAK. Please stop trying to turn it to that because it's not that. What we are complaining about is the absolute silence with which Dan received not one but 6 OAKs. The fact that many people on staff had no idea this was an option while Rumor, who I'll get to in a bit, also got one. I have spoken to many staff and ex-staff and not a single one of them knew that OAKs were ever part of staff pay or rewards. The ones I've spoken to also hadn't ever heard of this OAK test in any way. The way it was handled with Dan covering it up and saying "we were testing to see if there was interest" was clearly him backpedaling and now it just sounds like people are just rushing around to cover his ass. I don't have to repeat what at least a dozen people have said on this blog but I will. You don't gauge interest by quietly adding a dozen OAKs to the site and saying "oh, if someone finds them completely by accident then people are interested, otherwise no one cares." You gauge interest by posting a poll, by asking people in a place where everyone can voice it, and by making it front-and-center. I know you said you aren't talking about the subject anymore, but you skirted around the sheer number of OAKs Dan got by pretending we didn't say anything about them.

About the bans you claim "never happened." There is screenshot evidence from Kina, dozens and dozens of them, that Dan cheated for her and others. Ok, screenshots can be doctored, what about the video she sent in? Was that also doctored? If those right there aren't compelling enough evidence to ban Dan, why were four people banned for screenshots? Hell, Zuzu, Shinigami, and Shinohara were all banned for speculating that Dan was cheating during the name clearing. Zuzu was allowed to return, the other three were not. What rules did they break? Did they cheat? No, they talked, exactly like you constantly encourage us to do, about how they felt and what they thought was going on. They were banned. So please Pat, never tell us that "no one is banned for voicing an opinion" because that is categorically untrue.

You might tell us there are other reasons behind the scenes. Ok, let's say that's true. Why were they banned within a day or so of those screenshots coming to light? Why was that the catalyst moment? No one else was banned and unless they had a secret cheating ring with exactly 0 other people involved it sure sounds like those screenshots were the reason.

Also please never say Dan doesn't give special treatment to people. Rumor has been banned multiple times for cheating and abusing staff tools. He still gets an OAK. Omni is a known hacker, still enjoying the site like nothing ever happened. Juke was literally banned for running a hate blog, which is still active when anyone is brave enough to post on it, currently not only back but on staff.

When Rumor was banned, he got to move all his pets to Dan's account and they were kindly returned when he was allowed back on the site. Kina also moved all her pets before she was banned but that was determined to be "unfair" and "not allowed" so they were all returned to her account. Then a conveniently-timed name clearing happened.

Let's look at that name clearing for a second. Dan repeatedly and constantly told us that he was busy and didn't have time to refresh on the site all day for the clearing. Amazingly, he was online for every single clearing. Every last one of them. The odds of that are astronomical when you consider he claims he sleeps, eats, goes out with friends, and works 8 hours a day. He also got tons of incredible, high-value names. These facts are the reason Hell and the rest suspected him of cheating in the first place and honestly that seems like a fair assumption.

You say we need to speak up, but we did. Half a dozen people on that discord said they felt horrible about something and you basically swept it under the rug by saying "oh, it took longer than planned and we didn't say anything publicly but it'll be there soon I promise. Now never speak to me about this again and I refuse to respond anymore." There's been no information anywhere on Res about anything regarding this other than a quick post Dan made only after he was called out multiple times for the number of OAKs he suddenly had.

A minor complaint that I've seen a dozen times on the SB is that new items keep getting quietly released so anyone that does quests suddenly finds themselves failing them because they don't have the items stocked up. Honestly makes me happy I don't waste time with quests. Maybe one or two items doesn't warrant a full update, but isn't that exactly what the changelog is for? For minor additions, fixes, updates, etc?

Another minor complaint I've heard from a few sources is that people continue to spam the SB with copy paste from the site. There was even a forum post about it that no staff addressed, unless that's changed since I last checked. I've seen it happen constantly while staff are on the SB with no policing of it. Why should users listen to this rule, which was added because enough people complained about it happening, when staff don't bother to uphold it?

Now to Rumor. His latest blog honestly boils my blood in so many ways. If his real information was given out and doxxed then that is absolutely disgusting and I do not stand for that. No one deserves it. I am starting this section by saying that because I want to make it clear that it's not ok that that happened, if it did. That doesn't mean I like him or agree with any other part of that blog.

Yes, I'm sure he worked long hours as a CM. You know who else did? Gunmetal, Dess, a bunch of other CMs. Someone else? All the artists, all the support and mods, all the writers. His blog makes it sound like it was just him putting in the hours and that it was purely his idea about all those events. Remember, before we got to a point where staff didn't know what was going on with events because no staff talk, staff used to all contribute together to events. Or maybe they didn't, I don't know, but they at least knew what was going on so I assume they had some input. I remember a time when asking on the SB about an event with staff around, regardless of their position, meant you could get an answer. Nowadays we have staff that have less idea than the users what's going on with an event. Staff like development, who you would assume would know everything about the event that they helped create, or mods, who should probably at least get an overview of the event if they're going to be able to help users.

Speaking of other staff helping with events. Is Rumor pretending he wrote every piece of those events on his own? Why are no writers mentioned anywhere in his list of people that spent many long hours working? He obviously can't pretend he drew everything for the event, but is he implying he wrote everything?

You say people on that list are "deserving" of OAKs Rumor. Schemes has been staff for almost no time compared to some of the old staff that you decided didn't deserve listing. Juke was banned and then unbanned, obviously more deserving than the ex-staff that still frequent the site and have never been in trouble.

Now let's turn to the thing that made me want to scream. You say to "just speak up" more. I've seen at least 8 different people, off the top of my head, told to "stop talking about it" in the SB when they voice a concern and it goes on longer than one or two sentences. Not a single one of the people I'm thinking of was being rude or starting something, they were trying to express themselves and basically being told to shut up. Often they're told to "take it to the forums" which works about as well as just saying it out loud in a room alone. No one reads the forums. Or at least very few people. Staff never responds to suggestions, not staff that can make those changes anyway, mods do sometimes and rarely an artist. Posting in the suggestions forum is like yelling into the void and hoping the void yells back. The absolute only way to be heard in the suggestion forum is advertising it nonstop on the SB and even that barely gets any staff looking.

You say this lack of communication is the reason many people have quit? Yes, that's very true, the exact opposite way you imply. People have left the site often because their feelings are silenced and their opinions completely ignored. No one reads their posts, staff don't respond to them except to tell them they're wrong or to tell them to stop talking about things, and their friends get banned for nothing while staff are allowed to continue cheating with no consequences. So you're right about that, people do leave over the lack of communication, but it's the lack of communication and understanding from staff that drives them away.

I know Pat will probably never see this, but if he does, or if someone is brave enough to link it, maybe he'll hear it. At this point considering his reactions to the people that are trying so very hard to make their voices heard on the Discord I doubt it but I can always hope.

[kitsune-kirei]

TW: Self harm, suicide, manipulation, ect.

Recently I’ve seen some posts going around that have been affecting me heavily as an individual, posts that have triggered some very unpleasant memories. I felt like it would be wrong of me to just sit back and let these posts affect people I know without saying anything, without sharing my experiences.

I think there is something important we should discuss, especially in an online community.

I want to talk about how to distinguish if someone has survived a suicide attempt, VS someone fabricating suicide as a manipulation tactic. 

( Edit: I am not making this post as an excuse to call someone out on fabricating crisis. I am making this post to open the discussion about manipulative behavior. Never accuse someone of lying or fabricating a self harm story. And please read everything before jumping to conclusions. This text post is very long, and if you skim you will miss very, very important points and nuances to my words.)

I debated for a while if I should even post this, and asked for the opinion of multiple people. The last thing I want to do is trigger anyone who’s going through self harming thoughts and feelings, or sound like I’m trivializing a topic as serious as suicide. Though after seeing some of my friends affected by the topic of this post, and feeling manipulated myself; I decided I would post about my own experiences, to help people distinguish if they are being manipulated with self harm.  I’m motivated to write this because of the lack of information about what happens if someone survives a suicide attempt, especially if its involving a person you know through online interactions.

I think its very important to have a discussion about, especially with how serious of a topic suicide and self harm is, and how easy it is to fabricate a self harm story and manipulate online. I’ve seen and heard of suicide being used as a manipulation tactic in RP communities especially.

I want to start off with saying, its all right to seek attention if you’re suicidal. Its all right to reach out to friends and people who care about you. If a tumblr blog is all you have to reach out to others, then its okay to ask for help publicly. Don’t ever feel guilty about reaching out to others if you need help. I cannot stress this enough. ‘Seeking attention’ has such a negative connotation behind it, and we need to change our mindset about these two words when they’re put together. 

Below, I’ve put some numbers to multiple suicide hotlines across the world. Call them if you have no other option for relief. Its not shameful, it’s self care, especially if you don’t have anyone around, and you feel so bad and far gone that you might hurt yourself.  

USA Suicide Hotline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

European Suicide Hotline: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/Europe/

Australian Suicide Hotline: https://www.gogentleaustralia.org.au/suicide_help

Asian Suicide Hotline: http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/Asia

I sincerely hope that if you have self harming thoughts, you’ll take care of yourself and reach out to people you can trust. Either close friends, or one of the numbers provided above.

Again, I cannot stress enough, if you feel like self harming or ending your life, PLEASE SEEK HELP AND REACH OUT TO TRUSTED INDIVIDUALS.

With that made clear, I’m going to I’m going to talk about some signs to tell if someone is manipulating you by sensationalizing a suicide attempt online.

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I really didn’t want to get personal with my own experiences... And even now I have a side that feels very ashamed that I’m talking about this so openly and posting it publicly. I realize though, that I have to provide some sort of backup to what I’m about to say, if I want to try to educate others about the topic at hand.

I’ve attempted on my own life twice now. I’ve been admitted to hospitals, and day programs where we weren’t allowed to leave until they knew we were better. I’ve made friends from these programs that have also attempted on their life multiple times.  I’m not saying this to gain sympathy, I’m saying this because I’ve experienced first hand what an attempt is like, from both sides. I’ll be taking from my personal experiences and some of my friends that were lucky enough to survive their own attempts.

Disclaimer:  I am no expert when it comes to this topic, and I’m not claiming to be. I can only provide my own experiences for help. 

Also, these points will be written from the perspective through the internet, and not face to face.

EDIT: These points are also made from the perspective as an USA citizen. I cannot speak about experiences from other countries, like Europe, or Asia. Your experiences will differ based on Country, or the state you live in.

Again, please seek professional help if suicide and self harm has been a constant throughout in your life.

Below are the points I’ve written up from my own experiences what happens when someone attempts suicide, and red flags to look out for if you suspect you’re being manipulated online.

1. The biggest red flag that you could possibly get that someone is sensationalizing a suicide attempt, is if they have access to a mobile phone or a computer only a few hours after they said they were going through with suicide. Anyone who’s survived a legitimate suicide attempt, and found, will most likely be admitted into a hospital, and ALL ELECTRONICS WILL BE CONFISCATED, for days or weeks depending on how severe the attempt was. They will NOT let you have internet access, and you will lose contact with this person for days, sometimes weeks if the hospital finds physical proof that they tried to end their life. The hospital takes multiple blood tests to see if you have any abnormal amounts of drugs in your system, and check your body thoroughly for any cuts or bruises.

Again, HOSPITALS DO NOT GIVE YOU PHONE / INTERNET ACCESS DURING THIS TIME. YOU LOSE YOUR RIGHTS WHEN YOU ATTEMPT SUICIDE, AND ARE FORCED TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL OR PSYCHIATRIC WARD UNTIL YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS DEEMED STABLE. ABSOLUTELY NO EXCEPTIONS.  This process can sometimes take weeks or months depending on how severe your mental state is. The reason you lose your phone and internet access is because they don’t want you to get triggered from anything you can potentially see online, or talk to people that could make your situation and mental state worse. If nothing was found in their blood tests, no outwardly self harm injuries are found, and their mental state is deemed safe enough for them to be alone, their phones and rights are given back and they are released from the hospital. 

If someone is online or on their phone right after a supposed suicide attempt, its almost guaranteed that they’re sensationalizing.

(Edit: Your experience on this will differ based on where you live. Example: Its been brought to my attention that the UK will not do this in most cases. Though from my knowledge, most US states confiscate your phones. Not all, but most.)

2. They provide too much information. If they give you a very detailed run down on their situation and exactly everything that’s going on, they’re probably lying. There’s an excerpt perfectly explaining this from an article here:

"When someone goes on and on and gives you too much information — information that is not requested and especially an excess of details — there is a very high probability that he or she is not telling you the truth," wrote Glass. "Liars often talk a lot because they are hoping that, with all their talking and seeming openness, others will believe them."

If you see the person in question online, and they’re posting about their suicide experiences with a run down about every single thing that’s going on, (doctor visits, medications they might be receiving, mental evaluations being performed), its a sign that they’re sensationalizing the situation, especially if its a play by play, or if they’re posting about it as soon as its happening.

3. They post publicly about their attempt in detail and in excess. I’ve never met, or experienced anyone who’s attempted suicide, that wants to broadcast their attempt publicly. When you fail an attempt, you try to distance yourself from the attempt as much as possible, and will probably only speak about it to people who are very close to you, if you even choose to speak about it. The feelings that come after are failed attempt are HUGE waves of guilt, shame, and regret. You especially feel guilty about the people you’ve worried, and hurt with an attempt. (I cannot stress how hurt the people close to you get after you attempt suicide.)

People are (usually) very apologetic and self loathing/deprecating after trying to take a step as drastic as self harm. They’re ashamed, withdrawn, and very quiet, especially when it comes to the topic of their attempt. Attempting suicide is one of the most traumatic experiences you can go through, and most are very unwilling to go into detail about how they attempted, or what happened after. The last thing you would want is for you actions to be broadcasted publicly. If someone is publicly posting their experiences after a supposed attempt, their motivations are probably to gain attention from someone specific, or multiple people. It doesn’t have to be, but its most likely the case. 

(On a side note, I’ve seen public apology letters being posted online from people who have attempted. These apologies and letters are not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when the topic of someone’s suicide attempt is brought up over and over, post after post in detail.)

Edit: This point above is talking about when someone posts about their suicide publicly right after their attempt. It is possible that someone who has actually survived an attempt to start to post online about it, but in my experience, its very easy to tell the difference between someone trying to manipulate a situation to gain sympathy, compared to someone who is posting because they’re seeking help / comfort / don’t know how else to cope. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE WHEN SOMEONE ACTS ON ANXIETY, AND WHEN SOMEONE IS ACTING ON THE NEED TO MANIPULATE AND SKEW A SITUATION, or to manipulate sympathy from others. Anxiety tends to feel frantic and desperate, manipulation is calm, collected and thought out. This is not true for every single case on self harm, but it usually is in my experience.

4. They show no signs of remorse. A little bit of what I talked about above relates to this point. If you see little, to no signs of remorse or regret for an attempted suicide, they’re most likely using it in a manipulative way. (Edit: I want to make it clear what I mean by no remorse. If someone seems cheerful, proud, or even smug about their suicide attempt, its a red flag. People who have actually survived an attempt can also emotionless, or feeling ‘dead’on the inside afterwards. Not everyone who has attempted will feel sorry for what they did, but it usually will be coupled with ill feelings about them self or the situation.)

5. They try to guilt trip, shame, or use their suicide attempt as an excuse for someone to stay in their life, or to gain more attention/time from a person. This is a touchy subject, especially since you are absolutely not in the right state of mind when you survive an attempt. But it is still a red flag if someone uses their attempt at their life to guilt, or scare someone into feeling like they need to stick around. If you find yourself in this situation, please know that it is not your job to pick this person back up and make them feel better. Distance yourself from toxic behavior if you must. (Edit: I also want to make this clear, people who are under extreme spells of anxiety and franticness can start saying things along the lines of guilt tripping, but there is a huge difference when someone does this frantically and desperately form a hightened state of emotion, vs someone making calculated ultimatums). 

Edit - Other red flags to look out for (Again, your experience might differ depending on the situation)-

They suddenly backpedal from their claims as soon as you provide options for professional help.

They leave a suicide note that is passive aggressive, aggressive, guilt tripping, or done with an air of spite.

They claim they were in drastic circumstances (Ex: ‘I was passed out after what I did’, ‘I took a lot of drugs’, ‘my stomach was pumped’, ‘I died for a moment and they had to bring me back to life’) ; And then they claim they were released from the hospital only after a day or a few hours. If this person is released from the hospital only a few days after such a heavy claim, its almost guaranteed they’re lying. If a suicide attempt was as serious as these claims, you are kept inside the hospital for a lot longer than just a few hours or a day, without access to the internet or a phone. (Especially in US states, I can’t say the same for places like the UK). 

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These five are the biggest red flags that someone is sensationalizing a suicide attempt. Of course, there are so many other points, and different factors when someone tries to take their life, especially since no experience is the same... But these points are commonly found in cases where someone is fabricating a suicide for manipulation.

I also want to stress these points:

Manipulation, and seeking attention are two different things. Seeking attention is often done because someone needs help, and the person doesn’t know how to properly ask for the help they need. Manipulation is a form if emotional abuse, and is primarily done to force someone to feel a certain way with guilt or by demeaning them; or to try to gain attention from someone that has cut them out of their life, to force someone to stay, ect.

What happens in the hospital during treatment is not pleasant, by any means. Usually the hospital is a huge source of trauma after someone survives a suicide attempt. You’re usually put in isolation in a room by yourself, and housed with others who are having their own mental heath issues in rooms close by. Here’s an article that details one story out of many traumatic incidents that happen inside the ward where they keep individuals who cannot be trusted to be alone without hurting themselves, or others. (Warning, its graphic.) https://www.omicsonline.org/suicide-attempt-after-deliberate-self-poisoning-in-the-icu-2155-6148.1000284.php?aid=11686

If you suspect someone is fabricating a suicide, do not under any circumstances, accuse them of lying. 

Again, for the people in the back: 

IF YOU SUSPECT SOMEONE IS FABRICATING A SUICIDE, DO. NOT. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. ACCUSE THEM OF LYING.

I am not making this post as an excuse for you to call out someone on suspected fabrication. DO NOT DO THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. 

It makes you look like the villain, and you might push the person into actually trying a real attempt; or you will accidentally shame someone who really has tried to take their life. Act with compassion, patience, logic, and understanding, for them and yourself. If you want to offer them support, provide helpful links and encourage them to seek extra, professional help, and stay away from the topic of their supposed suicide as much as possible. Cutting off a person is entirely an option as well. When someone is showcasing toxic behavior, it is not your job to make them feel comfortable. If you need to, take the steps to distance yourself from them as much as you need. Again, I am no expert in this topic, but these are the things that have been told to me, and things I’ve seen that help a situation like this.

Edit: If you are unsure of what to do in a situation that involves someone in crisis, please seek professional help. Any incorrect actions you take can push someone to take their life. Be careful, be cautious. Again, do not accuse anyone of lying about self harm.  

_________________________________________

I’m  sorry if this post was triggering in any way... And I’m sorry if it was a difficult and uncomfortable read. I couldn’t just sit by any longer without saying something on the matter, especially since I see similar situations happen so often in RP communities. I really hope that I was able to provide some insight on the topic, so others who haven’t experienced this can tell when they’re being manipulated. 

Edit: I want to make it clear that I do not want my post to be taken as ‘gospel’, or my words as the only things that happen after a suicide attempt. This post is only supposed to remind people to be mindful and aware if they feel they are being manipulated, not taken as fact, or ‘if this person is doing these things, they are for sure faking it’. There are so many nuances and different situations when it comes to this topic, and if I were to try to address all of them, this post will be as long as a novel or two.

Please, stay safe friends. And use your better judgement. If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, its usually correct. 

[superlucky777boy]

Amazing dream I want to make a book

I had a dream last night of a slightly different world than the one I live in. It was extremely vivid and I don’t want to lose it so I’m posting what I can remember here. So instead of being born where I was, I was born in a town further north in Texas and it was called Ritz, Texas. It had white rock gulleys and restored 20’s hotels and a thriving music and arts community and a huge diversity of people, like to the point there were embassies for countries like Cyprus and Armenia and Cameroon etc. I had lived a similar life except my mom was the superintendent of the school district and had her doctorate and my dad was a freelance programmer and I was a total punk like I’d dreamed of being. Like tatted up, crazy hair, androgyny, the works, and I even worked in a record store and knew like the underbelly of town. Lastly, my brother was still dead but he had died much more mysteriously than in real life. Instead of an accident, he was found dead in a campsite, beaten but not lethally so and had had a heart attack even though he was 20 (he’d made it a bit older in this world).

So the story starts with my folks and I doing a seedy investigation (which was routine for us apparently in the year or two after my brother had died) of some of the mysterious circumstances of my brother’s death (namely we were trying to figure out what gang or underground op had beaten him) and were led to find some strange things that ultimately don’t stick, except for finding a boy who was suspicious there. He was Cypriot and Iraqi. His name was Makshika, which is I’m sure a nonsense name my brain came up with because I don’t know anyone who is Cypriot and Iraqi and so don’t know a name to come up with for him and would want to give better justice to him if I wrote a book. He was gorgeous, skin like caramel, eyes like the dead of winter and jet black hair. He was a rap and hip-hop kinda guy and dressed accordingly.

At the point I met him, he was suspicious where he was because he was acting real shady and secretive (I find out later he thought he was in a sort of secret cruising spot, but he definitely wasn’t) and so I go to act like someone he’s supposed to meet to get information from him and he gets spooked as we talk and bolts. I kinda catch hold of him at a registration office of some kind and prove I can be trusted because I keep him from getting into a situation where the (I think) drug running manager (for some reason he has no name, but I think he was Ukrainian and that was important for some unknown reason) had his two lieutenants, both names Vinnie and with biceps the size of Matty’s (the boy I mentioned earlier’s nickname which I know doesn’t make sense) head, beat him.

Some time skips and we’re secretly dating, which is how I learn he’s Cypriot and Iraqi and Muslim and that he’s very much in the closet because I think his family is super old school and would not approve. In the dream he is like the love of my life though. Like I intend to find a way to run away and marry this boy. So I do anything I can to help him keep the secret, including attending a dance with him as my date in like full drag and he looks just as gorgeous all feminine as he does all masculine and hip-hop and I know I’m lost in the sauce on this guy. He has to run though because he sees my mom for the first time at this dance and recognises her: his mom works at the Cypriot embassy and particularly works with my mom on education stuff.

So he has to run because he can’t chance that she recognises him as my date (she knows I’m dating a boy and that he’s there in drag to preserve his identity but she doesn’t know who he is exactly) and I have to pick up a shift at the record store with some jerks I don’t like and I’m all distraught (some time has passsed since the dance and I haven’t seen Matty) when Matty comes in in drag. You can’t recognise him as Matty but you can tell a bit more he’s in drag as he hasn’t been home in two or three days and so hasn’t taken any of it off. The jerks start making fun of him and I square off immediately saying that’s my man and I’ll thank you to not say anything untoward. Matty gets a little bit uncomfortable at being semi-publicly called my boyfriend but relaxes a bit cuz he knows he doesn’t look like himself either.

Then the jerks try to start a fight and I thoroughly kick their asses (Matty assists by dumping a milk crate of records out and bashing a guy who has me in a headlock with it). The manager comes in and asks what happened and I tell him they started something with.... I think we agreed to call him Missy while he was in drag so people didn’t catch on it was him..... and that I needed to get him out of there and take care of some things. Manager wins boss of the year and let’s me out to go get Matty into his real clothes at my hideaway by taking him down a sneaky route but his brother catches us while he’s making a deal for pot (he sells it). So we have a heart to heart and Matty’s brother agrees to keep us secret because while we were wrong about him and probably a cousin or two, the rest of his family definitely wouldn’t be accepting.

Fast forward again because I’m missing some in between events but Matty and I are on the run from his folks and mine are trying to find me cuz I’m their last son and they think I’m making a mistake chasing a boy with a family that hates us both (and also I think because they’re Christian and want me to marry Christian as well) and wants me to leave him. Hassan (Matty’s brother) calls us ahead of time in secret (as does my friend Amanda from the record store who is only introduced at that point in the dream but seems awesome and deserves more than a disembodied voice cameo if I write this as a book). Suddenly he’s calling us and he’s frantic as hell saying “Matthias (I just remembered that’s his actual name while I was typing this and it makes so much more sense that his nickname is Matty now) you have to run! Baba is coming your way he figured out I was lying for you and he’ll be there soon!!”

We pack up camp and start racing to get things back in the truck we’ve been living out of when a man walks up to us and just yells out, “Matthias!!! Stop!!!” And he and I both freeze and slump and turn around because we’ve been caught. His dad’s here and that means he rest of his family isn’t far behind and neither are my folks. Matty gets this brave burst and just grabs my hand and says, “Please, Baba, I love him.” They both cry and just stare at each other before having a heart to heart I can’t remember most of, but his dad agrees to let us go and live life and promises to stand our families down as long as we never come back to Ritz. We agree. There’s a lot of tears and I call my mom from a payphone to tell her to stop looking for me, if she wants to know me anymore she’ll know me with Matty after what’s about to happen. I think his dad fakes our deaths to the city and his mom accepts it as truth even though he lets her in on the truth. It hurts Matty a lot.

Fast forward again and it’s two years later and we live in some big city somewhere (I wanna say either DFW, Chicago or San Francisco but I’m not sure). Matty has done some mocha brown highlights in his hair and wears sundresses every so often because it turns out he likes them. I’ve gotten him one in every colour imaginable because I started working at a recording studio as an audio tech and I make pretty good money now (as does Matty, he works for a Streetwear/Retro line of clothing as an advertising manager). We have a really cute house in a quiet part of town together. On Sundays I still go to church and he regularly attends a local mosque (both progressive enough to our standards of course, we’ve dealt with being chased out enough thank you). Matty has also come out as enby (like me) but still uses he/him pronouns (don’t remember why, but who am I to ask him? Those are his pronouns thank you). His father visits us from time to time with Hassan (his father’s been doing some growing over those two years but he still is a little awkward about the whole thing). I’m walking on my way home and take a box out of my pocket, open it to see a ring as gorgeous as my love, and then close it up and put it back in my pocket as I go to enter our house. Then I woke up.

It was so vivid that it took several minutes to remember that this was not my life and that my boyfriend Justin existed and I’d never fallen in love with a boy named Matthias or who even looks like Matthias. I want to write it as a book but do my research and make it more coherent. Obviously I’d do more research cuz I just don’t know much about a lot of the cultures mentioned, but I want to do this story justice. Would any of y’all read that?

[youknowmymethods]

Content Creator Interview #2

In this week’s interview, fandom friends @lilsherlockian1975 and @mrsmcrieff talk about whether they found Sherlock hot or not at first sight, how publicly sharing their work changed their writing, and the hardest thing about writing smutfic (pun fully intended).

And for those who don’t know, today is Lillian’s Birthday, so m’dear, Many Happy Returns!!!!

Hey, so Lilsherlockian1975 and myself, MrsMCrieff, have decided to interview each other for Aine’s challenge. We’re going to try to answer each other’s questions but there is always the danger of us going massively off piste. Our conversations in the past have been eclectic and very wide-ranging not to mention M rated.

 Anyway, I thought we could start by saying how we came into the fandom and more than that writing in the fandom. Lil, do you want to start?

Lil: All right, my sister on another continent, here’s how it went: As I’ve explained about finding The Full House on Pinterest, let’s explore what came before that moment, then just after... I was working third shift at a hotel (I had to as Mr Lil and I didn’t really have any childcare options at the time, so we just worked opposite shifts). The hotel was in a very small town - we were never busy, some nights we sold maybe 2 rooms - I usually spent my time watching Netflix. After making my way through Doctor Who, Star Trek Next Gen, Voyager then (God help me) DS9, Farscape and Firefly, I’d finally run out of anything to watch. You’d be surprised how quickly you can burn through a series binge watching for 8 hours at a time (and getting paid for it!).

 Then… then I found Sherlock. Well, that changed things… a bit.

 “Good Lord, who is the Cumberstud chap and why won’t he have all the sex with me!?” was my first thought, my second was, “Maybe I have a chance with the dishy DI?” and third? “Oh… what fresh hell is this ‘Mycroft’? Yummy!” Then finally, “Ahh, did the casting director somehow read my diary? Creepy but… all right.” To my defense, it was late and I usually worked on very little sleep. Also, I’m a kinky bitch.

 I’d never been involved in a ‘fandom proper’, I suppose. That’s not to say that I wasn’t a fangirl. I am and always have been. I was hugely into the Kevin Smith movies, going as far as visiting the Quick Stop and RST Video in Lenardo, NJ, respectively, as well as The Secret Stash, in Red Bank. I was a comic book geek in my youth, Marvel mostly, but some DC as well.

 After reading The Full House, I desperately needed MORE Sherlock and luckily enough, there was more to be found.

 At first I was just reading, then I wrote and posted a couple of (horrible) fics and met this fellow writer named MrsMCrieff (I might have had a little ‘writing crush’ on you, Mrs!). We chatted on FF.net and struck up a friendship.

 So, for me, writing came before fandom. Mrs was doing some betaing for me, but I didn’t ask for help often; I hated bothering her all the time for the multitude of stories I was turning out. At some point around here, I got an elusive invite to AO3 from sherlockian87, bless her soul, because I kept trying to join and couldn’t get a blessed invitation. Also around this time, I had written a prompt and got a PM from MizJoely asking if she could fix some of my mistakes (she was very sweet about it, even though I totally flipped - half fangirling, half losing my shit because ‘Crap, I screwed up so bad, here was The MizJoely asking if she could edit out my mistakes!’) but she wasn’t being critical at all, of course, just helpful as I soon found out. Shortly after, now having formed a friendship with MIz, she suggested that I start a Tumblr blog. And that’s how it all started.

Yes, sorry… I, um, tend to be a tad loquacious. Writing out my answers doesn’t help one little bit.

 Okay, Mrs, right back atcha!

 Mrs: OK, shall I try to be more concise? I’ll probably fail as I’m terrible as writing short fics they always seem to end up spread over multiple chapters.

 I’m another one who had always been a fangirl, Doctor Who, Buffy, Twilight, vampire Diaries (yeah, I love my vampires) but I’d also been a Sherlock Holmes fan. I’d read all the books in my teens, watched the Basil Rathbone and Jeremy Brett adaptations and even stayed at the Sherlock Holmes hotel on Baker St so when a new series was advertised it was an easy sale.

 I was late to the cumberobsession though. I have to admit watching the first two series as they came out and I remember thinking I like them but it’s a shame Sherlock isn’t that hot. I know, I know, I’m embarrassed even as I write that.

 It all changed after watching season 3 and I blame the Sherlolly kiss 100%. I watched the series, DELETED the records!! And then realised I was spending a lot of time thinking about Sherlock and Benedict...that turned into looking him up online and from there it was a short step to reading Sherlolly fics on fanfic (I was already reading fics for other shipping obsessions). Anyway, it didn’t take long before Sherlolly took over all my other ships and Benedict was my number one hottie.

 As for writing, I hadn’t written anything fiction based since school and school was a long time ago...almost thirty years. But one day I was looking for a specific fic, I wanted to read about Sherlock and Molly having to share body heat and I just couldn’t find anything that satisfied me. I’m not sure why but in that moment I decided to write it myself and in half an hour I’d written Frozen...my first ever fic. It took another couple of hours to pluck up the courage to post it and I clearly remember feeling a bit sick and my hand shaking as I pressed the final button to post.

 Thankfully, I almost immediately started to receive positive reviews and feedback and it wasn’t long before I started to write more...the rest as they say is history. Lil got in touch soon after and it was fun chatting to another writer just starting out. We soon found we were not dissimilar in age and both had two sons and the friendship started there.

 We’ve been through quite a lot over the last few years Lil and written some fab stories. Wouldn’t you agree?

 (I should let on that we are now faffing about trying to find the original list of questions...we are trying to be professional).

 Ok Lil, so I’ve looked at Aine’s questions and they look really hard. Any preferences on which ones you want to answer :).

 Lil: I think a great follow up to that first one is this: How did posting your first story change your process of writing? So I’m shooting it back to you, Mrs, and you can send me that one or select a new one for me. Tag, you’re it!

 Mrs: I can tell you quite simply how it changed my process of writing...given that it was my first piece of writing in 30 years I was starting from scratch when it came to any process. One thing that I started with that’s held true for me ever since is that my stories are fully mapped out and written before I even start posting the first chapter. I will edit and make refinements but the bones of the story are there.

 I know lots of people post a chapter and then write the next chapter but that would put me under too much pressure. The downside is that if someone gives me a prompt they could be waiting months before they see it posted. The upside is if I’ve started posting a fic you will get the end of it as it’s already been written.

 There have only been two exceptions to this method: Sherlock Holmes, Vampire which I worked on over a year or so posting four chapters every so often as I wrote them...it was stressful. And the other is Never Have I Ever which was/is more of a collection of one shots woven together into a fic.

 How about you Lil? How did it change for you?

 Lil: So, I’d been writing little stories and whatnot for years and years but, having no idea that there was such a thing as ff.net or AO3, I had no place to put them. Writing was always a very, very distant dream of mine. I have loads of notebooks filled with stories, story ideas and my own personal ramblings (unfortunately, my Tumblr followers now have to read the ‘ramblings business’). I stopped for many years after my roommate/best friend since childhood found some of my writing in college that I’d carefully hidden under my bed. I came home to find her in my room, sat on the floor, on the phone with our Art History professor (whom she was sleeping with), as she read him my story and laughed hysterically at its awfulness.

 I was devastated and vowed never to write again.

 But that changed, of course. Those first maybe ten stories were just me letting my mind go and getting out what I wanted to say (aided by liberal amounts of wine). Since then, however, my ‘process’ has changed drastically. I don’t always write an outline (never for one shots, which I write often) but I generally do for long fics. If not, it’s easy for me to get lost and miss critical points. My writing has become more about ‘layering’ for lack of a better word.

 I found after those first few posted fics, that in going back and re-reading them I wanted to make changes. I didn’t re-edit them (because I’m lazy), but it made me realize that my writing required more time and proofing before posting; that first draft is just the start for me - a thin layer of primer paint on a canvas, if you will. I then read over it and add more details and more and more until I get the desired effect. Again, much like oil painting, I have to build things up, layer by layer. This works for me; I have no idea if it’s a proper method of writing. So, posting my first fic(s) helped me learn that I shouldn’t be so trigger happy about posting if the story wasn’t ready.

 Okay, Mrs, this one is geared specifically towards you. I don’t think anyone would argue with me about your supernatural ability to write ‘case fics’, so let me ask: Which do you prefer writing, case fics or fluffy smut-filled romps? And why?

 Mrs: Oh God, ask me something easy why don’t you. Both, I like writing both. I love the depth of a case fic, the idea, the research, plotting it out and working out the characters and detail but it’s so time consuming and I often write a bit, leave it, come back to it etc. etc. so a detailed case fic can take six months.

 Fluff on the other hand is less satisfying but quicker (my minds already in the gutter with an analogy).

 Woohoo I kept is fairly short for once. So, here’s one that’s good for you. I’m endlessly envious of how easily you make friends and how you know so many people in the fandom whereas I’m the introverted hermit. Which other authors are you friends with, and how have they help you become a better writer?

 Lil: Goodness! You make me sound like a social butterfly (Mr Lil calls me that all the time!). I like people, plain and simple. Other than you, I am close to MizJoely and Darnedchild, that’s no secret, so I’ll talk about them first (you included, because you’ve made me a better writer, I’m sure of it - have actual proof!)

 I cannot count the ways Miz has helped me improve my writing. She figuratively took me by the ear and said “okay, you don’t suck but do you even know what a comma is used for?” No, not those actual words, she was much kinder about it, but I got the hidden meaning and I needed it, trust me. She also challenges me and is not afraid to be honest with me when I’ve written something that isn’t good or perhaps doesn’t fit. I know I’ve improved since she started betaing for me, like a 1000%. And Child… When I volunteered to beta for the Big Bang Challenge, I had no idea what I was getting into, but man… she’d written and enormous fic. Good, amazing really, but it was longer than anything I’d ever worked on before. It scared the shit out of me but I really think it was exactly what I needed. Betaing someone else’s work can really make you see your own mistakes from a new perspective. I feel like I jumped ahead after working on the BBC with Child. As for you, MrsMCrieff, just the other day I had The Best compliment… someone actually thought I was British! Yes, that happened. I can only attribute that little feat to you, my friend. You’ve taught me when to add a ‘u’, when not to zed and about many different terms like pavement, taps, hob, loo, trousers (we really don’t say that here!). Not to mention the fact that most European men aren’t circumcised. Who knew?! It’s pretty common in the US.

 But that’s just a few. I cannot count the number of fandom friends who have helped me and all the ways that they’ve done so. That doesn’t mean I won’t try…

 There’s likingthistoomuch who always listens to my ideas and encouraged me to post my first Harry Potter fic. OhAine has been a true friend from the very beginning, always insightful and supportive. Mellovesall who is just too sweet for words and always helps with edits, no matter what’s going on in her life. Kendrapendragon who let me bounce ideas for my Mirror Has Two Faces AU off of her for like a whole day! the-sapphiresky who has helped me with this historical AU that may or may not ever see the light of day. Allthebellsinvenice who answered about a dozen questions (over two years!) for Dig Down Deep when I’d panic about some D/s situation I’d written myself into. o0katiekins0o who backs me up when I’m in the middle of a sensitive subject. I can always depend on her to help me when I’m afraid I’m crossing a line. Broomclosetkink, Lord help me! She’s pinch hit for me when I’ve written a fic for Miz or if I just need a good laugh. She’s the best. Sweets… it’s very hard to talk about sweet-sweet-escape. I still cannot even bring myself read her stories or the ones I wrote for her without breaking down, but no one was more supportive or kind to me than Sweets. I miss her so much.

 Then there’s all the love and support I received from everyone during The Fic That Shall Not Be Named debacle. That’s when I knew how much this fandom (well, this ship, really) had my back! I will never forget how much love and support I received. Bless you all!

 I’m forgetting people and I hate that. But I really do love all my fandom friends as if I see them and hang out with them every day. I mean that.

 Okay, Mrs, here’s one for you (I’m going back to the list for this one because I like it and I think it’s interesting): What’s the most difficult thing about writing characters of the opposite sex?

 Mrs: See, see I said you knew loads of people!

 As for your question that’s easy to answer...knowing what it feels like when they get aroused and orgasm. I’m more than happy being female but it would be kind of interesting just to be a guy for one day. It would improve my writing no end.

 On a wider note when it comes to writing characters I don’t think any of us made it easy on ourselves when we decided to try to write being a high functioning sociopathic genius. I think I can speak for most of us when I say he’s not the easiest person to try to write authentically. I just wish I had half his knowledge then I wouldn’t feel like such an idiot when I’m writing him.

 I gave my youngest son the option of any number between 1 and 40. He chose 7 so does writing energise or exhaust you?

 Lil: It absolutely energises me! I do get frustrated trying to find time to write, but actually writing does amazing things for my mental and physical self. I find that I’m much more productive around the house when I’m in the middle of a writing jag. I’ll sit and write for a while, then get up and pound out some chores (usually more quickly as to get back to my computer). Somehow, this works for me. Frankly, it’s probably got to do with my ADHD. I’m the kind of person who needs to do multiple things at once. I’m the same at work; I cannot just stand behind the registrar for 8 hours. I practically beg my managers for extra work, which they’re happy to give me.

 I have an original question for you, love: How does a bad review affect you?

 Mrs: I’ll be honest I don’t react well to a bad review but it does depend on whether I think it’s valid or not. You probably know each and every time I’ve had one because I will probably have sent you a screen shot and asked your opinion. Thankfully they have been few and far between, occasionally they have made me think...especially if I’m being accused of using a tired old trope and I’ve made the effort to up my game in future fics but often they are just being nasty for the sake of it.

 Writing is such a personal thing though, we give a piece of ourselves in each and every fic so it’s hard to not take criticism very personally.

 Same question to you Lil.

 Lil: Oh, I’m a giant baby about a bad review and have been known to take it very personally. At first I brood… like really hard, thinking on the entire thing much longer than necessary. I suppose it depends on the nature and tone, for the most part though. If it’s attacking and spiteful, I’ll attack right back but if it’s coming from a ‘goodish’ place, I do try to look at my writing a bit more objectively (I don’t always succeed). Anonymous bad reviews get to me the most. The fact that I cannot reply drives me up the wall!

 Okay, we’re wrapping this up (else we could go on forever!) Thanks so much and a big thanks to Aine for organizing this as well!

 Mrs & Lil

Next Week:

Posting on Friday 01 March it’s @ohaine ‘s turn (eek!) to interview @ashockinglackofsatin

[jennaschererwrites]

How TV Is Putting the ‘B’ in LGBTQ — And Why It Matters – Rolling Stone

“Mom. Dad. I know you don’t want to talk about this, but I do. I might get married to a man, like you so clearly want. And I might not. Because this is not a phase, and I need you to understand that. I’m bisexual.” That’s Rosa Diaz (Stephanie Beatriz), Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s resident no-nonsense detective, pouring out her heart to her parents in the show’s landmark 100th episode. To which her dad (Danny Trejo) stoically replies, “There’s no such thing as being bisexual.”

Beatriz, who is bisexual herself, wrote in GQ: “When does it end? When do you get to stop telling people you’re bi? When do people start to grasp that this is your truth? …When do you start seeing yourself reflected positively in all (hey, even any?) of the media you consume?”

There’s a real cognitive dissonance to identity erasure. You can be standing right in front of someone telling them exactly who you are, and they can just look right through you, and intone, like a Westworld robot, “That doesn’t look like anything to me.” Nevertheless, it’s a daily reality for LGBTQ folks, and bi- and pansexual people in particular. (The term pansexuality, which has come into wider use in recent years, intends to explicitly refer to attraction to all genders, not just cisgender people — or, as self-identified pansexual Janelle Monae put it in Rolling Stone last year: “I consider myself to be a free-ass motherfucker.” However, many in the queer community define bisexuality the same way. You can read more about that conversation here.) Until recently, sexual and gender identities that existed outside the binary have been anathema to mainstream culture — and often, even, to more traditionalist branches of gay culture.

For a long time, people who identify as bisexual or pansexual didn’t have a whole lot of visible role models — particularly on television. But as our understanding of the LGBTQ spectrum has become more diverse and nuanced over time, there’s been a blossoming of bi- and pansexual representation. In the past few years, characters such as Rosa on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, David Rose on Schitt’s Creek, Darryl Whitefeather on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and Leila on The Bisexual — to name just a few — have been at the forefront of a bi- and pansexual renaissance on the small screen.

But it wasn’t always this way. Even after television began to centralize gay characters and their experiences — on shows like Ellen, Will & Grace, Queer as Folk, and The L Word — the “B” in that alphabet soup fell to the wayside. Bisexuality was seldom mentioned at all, and if it was, it existed chiefly as a punch line — an easy ba-dum-CHING moment for savvy characters to nose out someone who wasn’t as in the know as they were. On Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw called bisexuality “a layover on the way to Gaytown”; and on 30 Rock, Liz Lemon dismissed it as “something they invented in the Nineties to sell hair products.”

Even some of the earliest shows to break ground for queer representation didn’t factor bisexuality or pansexuality into their worldviews. The designation basically didn’t exist in the gay-straight binary world of Queer as Folk, and was largely seen as a phase on The L Word. Buffy the Vampire Slayer gave many TV viewers their first-ever depiction of a same-sex relationship in 1999 with the Wicca-fueled romance between Willow Rosenberg (Alyson Hannigan) and Tara Maclay (Amber Benson), but the show too neatly glossed over Willow’s years-long relationship with her boyfriend Oz (Seth Green) as a fleeting step on the way to full-time lesbianism. Or, as Willow succinctly put it in Season 5: “Hello! Gay now!”

Characters who labeled themselves as bisexual were considered to be confused at best and dangerously promiscuous at worst. On The O.C. in 2004, Olivia Wilde’s bi bartender character, Alex Kelly, appeared as a destabilizing force of chaos in the lives of the show’s otherwise straight characters. On a 2011 episode of Glee — a show which, at the time, was breaking ground for gay representation on TV — Kurt Hummel (Chris Colfer) savagely shot down his crush, Blaine (Darren Criss), when Blaine mentioned that he might be bi: “‘Bisexual’ is a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.” By the end of the episode, Blaine assures Kurt that he is, don’t you worry, “100 percent gay.”

One of TV’s first enduring portrayals of nonbinary sexual attraction came with the entrance of Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman) into Russell T. Davies’ 2005 Doctor Who reboot. (Davies also created the original U.K. Queer as Folk.) The time traveler swashbuckled into the series to equal-opportunity flirt with the Doctor (Christopher Eccleston) and his companion Rose (Billie Piper), because, as the Doctor explains, “He’s a 51st-century guy. He’s just a bit more flexible.” Captain Jack went on to feature in his own spinoff series, Torchwood.

Then came Callie Torres on Grey’s Anatomy. Portrayed by Sara Ramirez (who came out as bisexual herself in 2016), Callie had a seasons-long arc that spanned from her burgeoning realization of her bisexuality in 2008 to her complex relationships with both men and women over the years. Callie’s drunken rant from the 11th season would make a great T-shirt to wear to Pride if it weren’t quite so long: “So I’m bisexual! So what? It’s a thing, and it’s real. I mean, it’s called LGBTQ for a reason. There’s a B in there, and it doesn’t mean ‘badass.’ OK, it kind of does. But it also means bi!”

Once the 2010s rolled around, representation began to pick up steam. True Blood’s Tara Thornton (Rutina Wesley), The Legend of Korra’s titular hero (Janet Varney), Game of Thrones’ Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal), The Good Wife’s Kalinda Sharma (Archie Panjabi), and Peep Show’s Jeremy Usborne (Robert Webb) all were portrayed in romantic relationships on both sides of the binary. But these characters’ sexual orientations were seldom given a name.

In some cases, this felt quietly revolutionary. On post-apocalyptic CW drama The 100, for example, set a century and change in the future, protagonist Clarke Griffin (Eliza Taylor) is romantically involved with both men and women with no mention of labels. Because on the show’s nuclear fallout-ravaged earth, humankind has presumably gotten over that particular prejudice. On other series, however, not putting a name to the thing seems like a calculated choice. Take Orange Is the New Black, a show that has broken a lot of barriers but steadfastly avoids using the B-word to describe its clearly bisexual central character, Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling).

A few years ago, though, tectonic plates began to shift. On Pop TV sitcom Schitt’s Creek, David Rose (co-creator Dan Levy) explained his pansexuality to his friend via a now-famous metaphor: “I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine. And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back, I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay.”

Bisexuality got its literal anthem on the CW’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend with “Gettin’ Bi,” a jubilant Huey Lewis & the News-style number sung by Darryl Whitefeather (Pete Gardner) about waking up to his latent bisexuality as a middle-aged man. “It’s not a phase, I’m not confused / Not indecisive, I don’t have the gotta-choose blues,” he croons, dancing in front of the bi pride flag. Darryl’s exuberant ode to his identity felt like someone levering a window open in a musty room — a celebration of something that, less than a decade before, TV was loathe to acknowledge.

For Hulu and the U.K.’s Channel 4, Desiree Akhavan (Appropriate Behavior, The Miseducation of Cameron Post) cowrote, directed, and starred in a series picking apart the subject, titled, aptly, The Bisexual. In it, Akhavan portrays Leila, a thirtysomething woman coming to a dawning awareness of her bisexuality after having identified as a lesbian for most of her life. The show navigates the tricky territory that bisexuals inhabit when they’re misunderstood — or sometimes outright rejected — by queer and straight communities alike. Akhavan, a bisexual Iranian-American woman, has said the idea for the show came to her after repeatedly hearing herself described as a “bisexual director.” She told Vanity Fair that “there was something about being called a bisexual publicly — even though it’s 100 percent true! — that felt totally humiliating and in bad taste, and I wanted to understand why.”

As Leila shuttles her way between sexual partners and fields tone-deaf comments from friends on both sides of the binary, The Bisexual offers no easy answers. But it also never flinches. “I’m pretty sure bisexuality is a myth. That it was created by ad executives to sell flavored vodka,” Leila remarks in the first episode, unconsciously echoing 30 Rock’s throwaway joke from a decade ago. Except this time, the stakes — and the bi person in question — are real.

The next generation — younger millennials and Gen Z kids in particular — tends to view sexualityas a spectrum rather than the distance between two poles. Akhavan neatly encompasses this evolution in an exchange between Leila and her male roommate’s twentysomething girlfriend, Francisca (Michèlle Guillot), who questions why Leila is so terrified to tell anyone that she’s started sleeping with men as well as women. When Leila tells her it’s complicated because it’s “a gay thing,” Francisca responds, “So? I’m queer.” “Everyone under 25 thinks they’re queer,” says Leila. “And you think they’re wrong?” Francisca counters. Leila considers this for a moment before answering, “No.”

Representation matters, and here’s why: Seeing who you are reflected in the entertainment you take in gives you not just validation for your identity, but also a potential road map for how you might navigate the world. For many years, bi- and pansexuals existed in a liminal place where we were often dismissed outright by not just the straight community — but the queer community as well. Onscreen representation is not just a matter of showing us something we’ve never seen before, but of making the invisible visible, of drawing a new picture over what was once erased.

[measuringlife]

Measuring Monday: Daddy

Tumblr has been my quiet safe space for 8 years. This has been a place to grieve and be vulnerable. Much of what I compiled below for this week’s Measuring Monday was already written and shared here over the years. Only now am I beginning to share my writing more publicly and I am thankful for the space and community here when I was less brave.

The world lost a great man 11 years ago yesterday. My world especially got a lot dimmer and for sure a lot less funny.

My Dad was awesome. He was born in Brooklyn and raised on Long Island in the same town I grew up in. He was the first in his family to attend and graduate college (with an Art degree) and after being a hippie in Southern California for a few wanderlust months he went back for a Masters in Education.

My Dad was an art teacher in a low income, minority school district and he LOVED IT. He spent his ENTIRE 33-year career in the district. After teaching for 20ish years he went on to administration. He was a middle school assistant principal for a number of years and then a high school assistant principal for a number of years. They wanted him to be principal, but he didn’t want to deal with politics.

When I was in first grade my Dad started a Saturday enrichment program for K-12 students, he ran the program for 12 years. Some of my favorite childhood memories were from that program. My Dad also piloted a night school program within the school district so people could get their HS diplomas. My Dad was a pretty big deal in the K-12 Education world. Even after he retired he couldn’t stay away. The last year of his life he was teaching in an education certificate program at a Dallas Community College. My Dad was great at what he did.

We shared a love of many, many things, especially musicals. RENT was one of our favorites and after he died “Seasons of Love” took on a new meaning. I’m measuring those years within my “dash” (it’s a great poem if you are not familiar, look it up) in daylights - in sunsets - in midnights - in cups of coffee - in inches - in miles - in laughter - in strife and more.  Back in January 2010, a friend of mine challenged me to measure my year in cups of coffee, which lead to measuring my miles, my body, my health and the rest is history. I get a lot of joy and satisfaction in measuring my life. It makes life seem a little more permanent and a little less fleeting at times.

The last 3-4 years of his life I pretty much talked to my Dad every day, even multiple times a day. Since he was retired he was available to talk whenever. I generally would call him when I was walking to and from class in grad school. Even if it was just a few minutes we’d have a great chat. I can honestly say we were best friends. There are still times when I wish I had my Dad to call.

Our last day was a fabulous Daddy-Daughter day - we were dorks and really called them that. Little did I know that a week later he would be taken from me. I was living in North Texas at the time, 5 months into my first job out of grad school and I was going through a rocky patch. My Dad lived 2.5 hours away in Dallas and wanted to come up for the day to cheer me up. Plus my he was having gastric bypass surgery that Thursday and I really wanted to see him before then.

Part of the reason I moved to Texas was to be closer to my Dad. My parents got divorced after my freshman year of high school and he stayed local, but once I went to college we never lived in the same state. I was in Connecticut and he was in New York or Florida or Texas. I saw my Dad so much in those 5 months we both lived in Texas it was wonderful, some of our best times. I had a lot of ups and downs with my Dad, but our last few months were so much fun.

That last time we hung out I drove up to Oklahoma so we could go to the casino and play some slot machines. Well on the 20-mile drive to Oklahoma I get pulled over on a Sunday afternoon for doing 77 in a 70. I honestly wasn’t aware of my speed because it was an open road and because my Dad and I were singing along to the Aida soundtrack on the top of our lungs. I was so upset about the ticket, but my Dad comforted me and made me feel better, he always did. After the casino, we came back to my apartment, rearranged furniture, and just hung out.

I didn’t want him to leave. I had a sinking feeling about everything. That was the day he told me he was getting gastric bypass over a lap band. I wasn’t a fan of his decision to have either surgery, particularly not gastric bypass. He was 6'2 and 300-325 pounds MAYBE. He has lost 100 pounds through diet and exercise when I was in high school and he kept it off for 8 years before quickly gaining it back after he retired. I was disappointed that he was resorting to surgery. He had been talking about lap band for 6 months and talked to many doctors, went to consults etc. Then within a week of his surgery, his doctor talks him into gastric bypass.

His surgery was Thursday, a week before Thanksgiving. 3 days later that Sunday morning, November 18, 2017, my phone rings at 6:30am. I knew before I answered the phone that he was dead. He was still in the hospital and he essentially bled out internally. A blood transfusion and proper care could have saved his life. I was 2.5 hours away in North Texas not having been fully informed or able to fully comprehend post-op complications and too naive to realize I needed to come down. No twentysomething really thinks their Dad is going to die. I had just spent the prior Sunday with him and was scheduled to come down to Dallas Tuesday for the night before flying to NY for Thanksgiving.

I was devastated, I still am. My whole entire world forever changed. Everything about that day and the weeks and months that followed, including a failed wrongful death lawsuit due to the Texas good old boys club, was a nightmare. I sometimes wish I could “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” much of it.

He was 58, I was 24, and my sister was not quite 22. None of us were ready for him to be gone forever. My sister and I had already lost him once in 1998 when my parents separated and he moved out. To quote a friend who wrote about her Dad on his one year anniversary “I feel both lucky to have had my dad for so many years and angry that he was taken from me when I and he were too young. If I know anything better today than I did last year, it is exactly how complicated and messy life and death and grief are.”

My story is a complicated one on many levels. It’s a lot to bear, especially around the Holidays. Family drama and a Mother that I have a terrible relationship with makes things extra hard. There is no winning with her ever, my Dad was one of the few who really understood. I miss having him on my team. The sad reality is the 11 years that he’s been gone have also led to the 11 worst years in my relationship with my mom. A relationship that was rocky to begin with due to her alcoholism and emotional abuse.

The complications of life and death and grief were something I wasn’t expecting and it really causes tremendous pain. However, out of tragedy, I was finally able to find the motivation to get healthy and fit. I did the work, no shortcuts, no fad diets, and most importantly no surgery.

To quote a message from another friend years ago, about losing her mom, "Sometimes it takes the death of a loved one to wake us up. I consider that a lasting gift from my parent.” I found such comfort and hope in those words. My Daddy didn’t need that surgery and didn’t need to die. Sadly he did, but I refuse to let my weight control my life. I also couldn’t have his death be in vain. So in 2010, I started running, I took charge of my health. I also started fundraising for Accelerate Brain Cancer Cure (ABC2) since most people who have lost loved ones find solace in charity work and there wasn’t a community for my loss out there. So I adopted David Cook’s charity of choice since watching American Idol during those dark months that followed helped me get through each week.

And here I am 11 years later and in the best shape of my life thus far. I thank my Dad for that lasting gift no matter how painful it’s been. I only wish he was here to see me now and the wonderful all-around person I am today.

I’ll leave you with this. One quote I remember my Dad telling to me in a time of struggle in my life was, “Plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” That quote has meant so much to me over the years. YOU only have one life and YOU need to make the most of out of, right now.

Love you Daddy.

RDJ 4/25/49-11/18/07

[kashmiresims]

A Moment of Peace

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Orion couldn’t go back to Cain’s place after what he had witnessed. He figured it would be better to go back to the house and try to settle his thoughts at the fact that his main squeeze was a dealer. As soon as he saw Cypress’s car parked out back, her knew his friend was home, however Orion still felt an uneasy anger toward Cypress after hearing his song being played publicly on the radio and he knew Cypress would become silently judgmental if he learned that Orion was gone all night because he had stayed with Cain. He didn’t know why Cypress cared so much about Orion’s love life--it was Orion’s choice! It was the first time in a long time he’d been able to be with Cain and didn’t regret it.

He entered the house, grabbed the stair rail, and climbed the steps with a frown on his face until he got to the top.

That was odd, the door to his room was open…he could have sworn he had closed it when he’d left the night before. As he approached he stopped cold because he found Cypress sitting on his bed, his face resting on his fist and a look of complete and utter disappointment in his eyes as Orion came into his view.

It caught him off-guard but before he could defend himself, thinking the expression was because of Cain--he noticed a few of the empty Tranquilicis bottles were pulled out of his night stand and placed on top of it. 

“What’s going on?” Orion asked, growing uneasier by the second.

“I could ask the same of you. Why do you have all these pills?”

“They help with my anxiety,” Orion told the truth and refrained from pointing out that technically, there were hardly any pills left from those bottles.

“Okay, but Tranquilicis isn’t something you get over the counter. It’s something a doctor has to write a prescription for. Do you have one?”

Orion wouldn’t outright lie to Cypress’s face, and besides Cypress had already probably found the scratched out name on the labels of the original prescription recipient. If he thought about it, he could have guessed Cain wasn’t doing things above board because Orion too, had found it odd the name was scratched out. He just didn’t question Cain because Cain was going out of his way to get Orion free pills.

“It doesn’t matter if I do or not, they help. That’s enough,” Orion grew terse and defensive.

“Are you sure you aren’t developing a dependency? This is a lot of empty bottles,” Cypress nodded to the side towards the bottles. He sounded like his mother.

Orion belted out a scornful laugh, “Yeah, like you have the ground to lecture me on becoming addicted to a substance.”

Cypress stood with frown and came closer, “Hey, we’re talking about something that’s technically illegal here. Besides, I won’t die from an overdose of nicotine.”

Orion rolled his eyes, annoyed that Cypress happened to conveniently forget all the other gross chemicals that caused health issues in cigarettes.

“I’m doing fine. You don’t have to worry about me,” Orion crossed his arms with growing frustration that Cypress was hassling him about it.

Cypress looked a bit hurt at Orion’s abrupt dismissal. But it was Orion who should have felt hurt. Cypress had stolen his music.

“So why do you look so miserable?” 

“I heard my song on the radio,” he mumbled.It wasn’t the only thing that had made him miserable but it was the one thing that directly involved Cypress.

“Why would that make you miserable?”

“Because you stole it. You recorded it, aired it, and gave it to the station without even asking me permission. I wasn’t even done with it yet–it was a work in progress and now it’s in a final form as far as anyone listening is concerned.”

“You should be recognized, and since you’re not really playing live anymore how else is your music going to reach the masses? You should be thanking me for putting my neck out on the line for you!”

“I don’t want or need to be recognized for anything!”

“But you deserve it!”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t need anything like that – I have seen how recognition leads to fame that in turn results in an interrupted life. I am fine with just playing my music for my friends and maybe small audiences if I work up the nerve but I don’t want to be recognized for it—I just want people to enjoy it.”

“You can’t have it both ways. If you want people to enjoy it, you will have to be recognized. People don’t just listen to music in a vacuum and not want to know where it came from or who sang it, especially if they want more.”

Orion just looked at the floor, not believing he was having this argument with Cypress. They never argued.

“Besides, it was just a song about Cain, it’s not like it’s going to be your biggest hit,” Cypress couldn’t help but to seem to snark.

“Fuck off,” Orion blurted angrily. He grabbed his acoustic guitar case from the corner of his room with a rare, heightened temper and left. He stomped down the stairs while Cypress chased after him asking what his problem was and for once in his life Cypress was the problem. Orion knew he had to remove himself before he’d say anything else he’d regret.  

What would Orion do without an instrument? Without a way to make music? His prickled nerves smoothed over gradually as he strummed out some of his favorite melodies from where he sat on the park bench before surrendering to whatever music formed as an idea in his head and came out in between the strings.  It was still a brisk temperature, now slightly breezy and the leaves were starting to turn bright oranges and golds. He had to stop thinking about the feeling of betrayal. Cypress had been so rash and judgmental but if he would stop and open his eyes he would realize that Orion didn’t write that song about Cain. He wrote it to communicate his heartbreak about Cypress.

Cypress was the catalyst that made Orion realize he was attracted to men in the first place. He had been ambivalent to dating and romance in general, probably an attitude he picked up from Cypress’s asexual tendancies, but after that fateful day when he was sixteen and found Cypress’s hand in his, something just clicked inside him. It felt right.

A part of him still loved and longed for Cypress in ways Cypress wasn’t able to give to him. Maybe that’s why he tolerated such abhorrent behavior from Cain because as long as he had someone else to give his love to, he could suppress his desires toward his best friend.

Cypress had made it clear he couldn’t be anything more than just Orion’s best friend and Orion would rather die than lose such a cherished relationship, so being with Cain helped Orion in more ways than Cypress knew.

Cypress also didn’t understand how much Tranquilicis had been helping Orion manage his anxiety. It was hypocritical, for Cypress to chide Orion about the dangers of addiction when Cypress was smoking a pack of cigarettes a week.  

Orion closed his eyes and played whatever melody popped into his head, inspired by natural beats he could hear and pluck from around him—from the sounds of the city to the rustling in the leaves. This garden was a calming place, a place of refuge for artists who wanted to paint or play music. Orion had come here a few times with Nick perform for tips but that wasn’t his reason for being here now. He did it for the pure enjoyment of creation and solace. His poor brain needed a break.

His melody must have attracted a dog, for one trotted up and looked at him expectantly. A fluffy, black-furred animal that looked to be a somewhat exotic breed.

“Hi there,” Orion said, though the animal didn’t understand him. Orion felt himself smile and slapped the surface of his guitar to make a purposeful rhythm as he played and the dog sat promptly, seeming to enjoy the change by evidence of its wagging tail.

Orion couldn’t resist the dog’s fluffiness any longer. He sat his guitar on the bench and knelt down to pet it. It seemed fond of having its head rubbed right between the ears. He’d always wanted a dog but his father and sister were allergic to animal hair so all they had were birds in his family for pets.

“Sebastian!” the dog perked up at a call and Orion glanced up to see a man in a long, expensive-looking gray jacket smiling from down the path. The man said “come” in Takemizese and the dog stood and cantered over to its master.

“I’m sorry, but was he bothering you?” The man asked Orion in Simlish but there was no need. Orion was actually fluent in the first language.

“Not at all,” Orion answered in Takemizese and stood, “I ponder if he might be an admirer of music.”

His comment made the man laugh in delighted surprise and he continued to speak in his native tongue, “Sebastian has particular tastes, though I never knew he was partial to music. What name do you play under? Can I buy him an album to listen to?”

It was Orion’s turn to laugh, not sure if the man were joking or not, but it was apparent he didn’t listen to college radio, “I have not created any albums yet, but if and when I do you could find it under Orion Loche.”

“I should not keep you from your playing Mister Loche; thank you for indulging my dog though,” the man inclined his head and said to the hound, “Follow.” Orion picked up his guitar and started strumming it again, “I could indulge him to a greater capacity if that is acceptable to you; I have never had an animal as an admirer before.”

“I would be delighted if you would accompany us around the gardens,” the man smiled, “Sebastian would be too.”

It was only proven so as the dog began to wag his tail again with exuberance and sniff around Orion’s shoes.

Orion realized he was being rude and hadn’t asked the man his name, “Many apologies, but what is your name? I should have asked during our introduction.”

“It is no worry; I am called Yuzan Bao,” the man replied with a smile and then made a slight eyeroll paired with a chuckle, “Though we can continue our conversation in Simlish—I find my native language to be full of burdensome formality.”

“Fair enough,” Orion agreed and made the lingual switch.

“It’s not common to find a Kashmiri who can speak fluent Takemizese. Where did you learn?” Yuzan asked with amusement.

Orion plucked his guitar strings absent-mindedly as he explained, “I lived there when I was a child.”

“Really? Which area?”  

“Takemizu  Village. My parents had a home there. They were big into the Blue Jasmine Music Festival—did all sorts of shows for it so decided to just live there year-round and perform across the region for many years.”  He smiled remembering his youth. Takemizu Village was a small town nestled between the mountains and so when his parents played their instruments outside, the sound carried back and forth across the valley. It was pure ambrosia for the ears.  

“We moved back here when I was nine. So I had a lot of time to learn the language and I kinda had to because of school.”

Zan made an exasperated face of sympathy, “Unlucky, Schools there are so rigid. I hated the drilling—and the punishments for getting out of line.”

“I know right!?” Orion agreed, remembering how he was commanded to recite a poem from his readings and he stuttered the words, being too nervous to do it front of the class and then the teacher hit his knuckles with a yard stick for his bad etiquette. He momentarily stopped playing his guitar and flexed them, the memory triggering a ghosting sensation of pain.

That experience was probably one of the reasons he got so anxious to perform in front of people and why he was so anxious about the possibility of screwing up. This man was the first person he’d ever talked to who even could understand and related to Orion’s experience with Takemizu schooling.

Sebastian made a loud woof to remind Orion that the music had stopped. Yuzan frowned and snapped out “Rude” in Takemizese and Sebastian lowered himself onto his belly and turned over so it was exposed to Orion.

“He is apologizing,” Zan explained in Simlish, “If you give him a belly rub then he knows you have forgiven him.”

“Wow, you’ve trained your dog very well,” Orion mused handing over his guitar for Yuzan to hold while he knelt down to pat Sebastion on his belly. The canine immediately stuck out his tongue and started wagging his tail happily.

“It takes a lot of practice and discipline,” Yuzan replied, returning the guitar and then made an upward motion with his hand. Sebastian returned setting onto all four paws. Yuzan reached into a pocket of his long coat and withdrew a baggie of dog treats, opened it, and tossed one at the dog who caught it mid-air in one bite.

“You seem like to have plenty of it,” Orion smiled, and Yuzan regarded him with a raised brow and it made Orion blush a bit. Here he was, passing judgement on someone he’d just met and he felt like he was in second grade again while stumbling over his words, “What I meant is…that you look so…world class and formal and I thought…”

Orion clamped his upper lip over his bottom one and decided to play more of his guitar medley instead.

Yuzan started laughing aloud at Orion’s blunder, but it wasn’t one of ridicule—just abject amusement.

“I assure you I am not as formal as I appear—I suppose by Kashmiri standards it could be seen that way but in fact, any Takemiseze citizen would claim I’m not formal enough. It’s my curse in life.”

“Not the worst curse to have, all things considered,” Orion noted. He was thinking of his own curse, to forever be burdened by anxiety. Thank Plumbobs for that Tranqilicis and music. They were the only two things to seem to work for him anymore. Both men passed a under an arched trellis that had ivy and white flowers climbing it; where the petals were in the midst of falling off the vines and covered the path. Sebastian kept pace next to Orion, looking upward and almost seemed to be grinning with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

They passed a garden wall in front of a fountain and Orion took a lean against it and closed his eyes. He felt a slight thump next to him and opened one eye to see that Yuzan had joined him--his back against the wall and with his hands stuffed inside his pockets. Sebastian sat patiently in front of them though made no more barks of protest but only because Orion was still playing his music.  

Orion shut his eyes again and continued, feeling a deep sense of peace playing in the gardens on this autumn day, it was in such contrast to how he felt coming into the place earlier and the turmoil he had been through since he’d woken up. r He picked up the tempo of his song. The song wasn’t really a song, just a winding, improvised string of musical notes. He wouldn’t remember it all enough to write it down. It was like a wild animal that couldn’t be caught and tamed—never to be replicated again. Yuzan and Sebastian had the privilege to listen to it and ever know it even existed.

Eventually, Orion checked the time and realized he been out far longer than he had anticipated. He walked back to his guitar case and set it inside despite the heartbreaking whimpering noises Sebastian was making as he walked away.

“I’m sorry but have to go,” he said as he clicked the case closed and pulled it over his shoulder, “It was a pleasure playing music for you and your dog.”

“Do you come to these gardens often?” Yuzan wondered, following after Orion as he made his way to the garden exit.

“I come every once and awhile,” Orion shrugged and admitted.

“I visited it for the first time this weekend and I think I have  found it’s my favorite public spot in the city.”

“Why is that?”  Orion slowed his pace and Yuzan passed him, turning around and began to walk backward so they could converse face-to-face.

“The flowers,” Zan waved his hand out with a grin, gesturing at the blooms around them that were slowly wilting with incoming colder weather. First frost had yet to occur but they were hanging onto life.

“What’s left of them at least.”

Zan nodded, “Do you have a favorite?”

“Oh, the blue ones for sure,” Orion smiled in remembrance as he kept walking forward,  “They remind me of Takemizu. We had tons of them outside our house growing in giant bushes. My mother refused to have them trimmed.”

He noticed Zan had visibly straightened himself and his grin was ever broader, “I have them growing in abundance inside my home here in Memosa Bay where they will never wilt—you should come see them if you miss them once winter comes.”

Orion stopped walking, unsure what to make of Yuzan’s offer.  He usually wasn’t this talkative or open with strangers but he felt an agreeable yet uncanny connection with Yuzan. He finally nodded, “I’d like that.”

“To be my friend?”

He was so forward about it. Orion could understand however, why the question was asked in such a way. In Takemizese culture it was considered rude or even cowardly to be anything but straightforward with someone.

Orion had never just been asked directly to be anyone’s friend before. In his experience it was a gradual occurrence. He hesitated ever so slightly to think on it. Yuzan looked to be a few years older than himself though dressed more expensive and sensible than a college student would be. Perhaps he was already graduated with an office job somewhere in the city? Orion hardly knew anything about the man except he was from Takemizu, liked dogs and flowers.

“It is, after all, hard to make new friends when you move so far away from home,” Zan lamented, taking advantage of Orion’s pause and plucked a leaf that looked about to fall from a small hedge. Orion agreed. He’d had to start all over when he moved back to Kashmire. Luckily for Orion, on his first day of school in Kashmire, a boy name Cypress Wellington was tapping out the beats to a rock ‘n roll song on his desk that Orion recognized from his father’s album collection and it prompted Orion to ask him about it. That led to conversations about music, instruments, and the best friendship they had ever known. He remembered those times with Cypress fondly and had to forgive his friend for earlier because he realized there wasn’t a deceiving bone in Cypress’s body, and he really was trying to look out for Orion’s best interests. It seemed this man was looking for something similar.  

Yuzan still was waiting for an answer. He seemed so hopeful. Orion could understand the struggle at being a newcomer to the region and it wasn’t pity but understanding that made him nod in sudden earnest and stick his hand out, “Yeah, I’ll be your friend.”

Genuine happiness erupted across Yuzan’s features and he took Orion’s hand in his to give it a cordial shake, “Call me Zan.”