#fuck me I couldn't even help my grandma on my own and she was a tiny and light woman

[nexus-nebulae]

another childhood bucket list item obtained: i finally have a snuggie

[insanityisfine]

Lowkey pissed at how erectyle dysfunction has become commonly known across several languages as "impotence".

Like.

I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating and alarming and worrying, especially if it happens to someone younger. I'm not trying to minimize that.

But do you know what impotence feels like?

It's despair, it's understanding why Sysyphus' punishement was insanely cruel well beyond physical fatigue.

It's seeing someone you love suffer and knowing there's literally nothing you can do to help, not even hold or confort them, because they're in so much pain there's no possible relief. There's no meds you can buy that haven't already been bought, there's no appointments you can make that you haven't made already.

You have done something, hell, you've done all you possibly could. And it still changed nothing. All you have left to do is wait. And it kills you. Ever. So. Slowly.

That's impotence.

[yumenoyousei]

I asked for a commission of my DC OC Shay from @jnephrite and look at my girl!! 😭 She so pretty I can't even😭😭😭 Always loved @jnephrite art so seeing Shay in hers is a blessing 🙏🏾

And since the fic is almost halfway through posting, I thought, might as well introduce Shay properly!

Full name: Shay Michelle Frank (♀) Occupation: Graphic Designer / YouTuber Height: 5'9"  Birthday: September 16th  ☀Virgo 🌙Aries ⬆Aquarius Proud African American/Haitian & Gothamite  Hobbies: Poetry, Arts, Rap/R&B music, help the Gotham North Community Center, Discover new artists (both musically and visual arts)

Shay was born and raised in Gotham, close to the infamous Crime Alley, by her maternal grandmother, Marie-Monique "Manmi Mo" Antoine, and with her 3 years older brother Zachary "Zee" Frank. Her mother died of childbirth (she had had complications with Zee which was why she was hospitalized when pregnant with Shay) so her whole family distrusted the American health system. This is why when her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, they didn't go to the hospital and only went to the illegal clinic. (Also; money.) Her father is unknown. 

Ever since young, she went to the Gotham North Community Center, mostly run by the Black and Latinx communities of the Crime Alley neighbourhood. Her grandmother would teach the children about mostly Black literature but also all sorts of arts which is why Shay is such a creative person. That's also where she met Jason Todd for the first time when she was around 4-5.

Her brother very early on started to "run the streets" and started to hang out with bad crews, but always had his heart on his sleeves. He just couldn't find other ways to get money to make sure Shay had the right education/a chance away from crime.

Her grandma died when she was almost 17 and her brother died not even 4 weeks later (2 weeks after her 17th birthday) because of a dispute between gangs. (Allegedly) 

After her grandma and Zee died, she went to live in Metropolis with her second-degree cousin, Jennifer Antoine, until she graduated from university. Even when in Metropolis, she would go as much as she could back to Gotham to see her people/help the center.

She started a YouTube channel talking about Gotham's art and musical scene to change people's persepective of Gotham after too many people at Metropolis U "pitied" her for being a Gothamite. 

As soon as she was about to graduate, she applied to work at Wayne Entreprise back in Gotham. She got a job as a graphic designer and moved back to her city.

At the start of the fic, "Awakening in Gotham", she is 22 and has been working at WE for almost a year.

Read more about Shay (and her love story with Jason) on AO3! (Trying to update every week!)

Random notes about Shay:

As I wrote in the fic's notes, the first reason for creating Shay was: who the fuck would stay in Gotham that isn't a criminal and/or a vigilante??

So I created a black girl who loves her community and sees all it could be while being very conscious of what it is and its dangers. Then I went, hey! she'd be good with Jason while I was starting my Jason Todd Thirst so obv my fic turned into romance. lol

The name comes from Belgian rapper Shay, Montreal-based singer Shay Lia, and Haitian Montreal-based singer Shah Frank. As I was creating Shay I was obsessed with all three of them and the name Shay Frank wouldn't leave me.

Ngl, I gave a lot of me to Shay; like her Haitian roots and GAD but very quickly she went her own way and grew in this character I'm proud of. I'd like to say I also gave her my music taste but she is way more into hip-hop than me and she rejects most of my pop playlists (sadly).

Because Shay was based on me, all her entourage I created is based on people in my rl. lol

I also absolutely wanted her to be friends with Bernard because I absolutely love Bernard (and Bat SO who are civilians? Tim and Jason bonding over the fact their SO are the only civilians in the Batfam?! So many fun things to do!!)

Zee is also a character that I love, based on one of my favourite cousins, and I got lowkey mad at myself halfway through that he was dead. So I have an AU where he didn't die in my head lol 

I'd like to write a oneshot of it when I'm done with this fic.

Last fun fact about Shay that I wasn't able to put in fic yet: all the rogues annoy her (mostly because they cause mayhem that cancel events) but she madly respects Poison Ivy because of her convictions and: "is she wrong tho?" 

I have a lot of other small notes about Shay and the Shay-verse but I'll post the rest when the fic is completed!

[axailslink]

Masterlist

Shuri Udaku (Black Panther)

Riri Williams (Black Panther)

Scotty (Banana)

Jamie Harrison (Urban Hymn)

Shuri Udaku

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What type of kisser is Shuri? *

summary: This is just a little something from my mind based on what I think Shuri would be like when it comes to kissing.

You look good in black *

Summary: Shuri has just finished forming her alliance with Namor and recovering from the fight and you can't seem to tear your eyes away from how good she looks in her black panther suit.

Dates with Shuri *

Summary: Hc's

you look so much better without it *

summary: You become overcome with a vengeance after Shuri makes an alliance with Namor

How jealous can Shuri be? *

summary: Hc's

The scientist

summary: Wakanda has finally opened its doors to a few select young intelligent students from colleges all across the world and you're one of the few selected. While this is such an amazing opportunity to see some new land and be invited to a new and amazing place you can't help but shoot your shot at the princess.

Shuri is overprotective *

summary: Hc's

Are you ready? *

summary: you find yourself falling in love with the princess I mean how could you not? She's gorgeous and smart. The princess thinks you're bullshitting and has been pushing away her feelings in avoidance of getting hurt. She's afraid you'll run in fear of commitment.

Doing Shuri's hair *

summary: Hc's

you're Angry

summary: The reader is putting Shuri's head on the right because she's letting anger fuel her choices.

Our!?

summary: Sharing gifts on your anniversary leads to a welcoming surprise from Shuri.

Would you like me to be gentle?

summary: you are invited to Wakanda they were trying to open their doors more even though there are people who want and will steal from them. Princess Shuri assumes the type of person you are only to be proved wrong.

You broke up with me *

Summary: you and Shuri had broken up when she was in the worse state she couldn't deal with a girlfriend and grief so you left but now that you've come back all emotions come back full speed.

Let me help

Summary: The pain of period cramps will forever strike you worst than any punch to the stomach. your close friend Shuri offers help.

What would they use vibranium for?

Summary: A hilarious conversation shared between you and your girlfriend Shuri of five months.

Worship yourself

Summary: The reader has past self-harm scars and Shuri comforts her.

Wah!?

Summary: Shuri comforts the reader after she admits she's a bit jealous of her and Riri's relationship.

I think I want kids

Summary: Shuri discusses kids with the reader

Strictly Professional

Summary: The reader runs into Shuri on her way from work only to flirt and realize she should have been more professional

Not my girlfriend my wife

Summary: Random woman hits on you and Shuri lets it be known that you are hers.

Dumbass Question

Summary: A past conversation you had with Riri while you were high convinced you to ask Shuri a really dumb question.

They Kissing!

Summary: The reader and Shuri do Kompa dance

Shower kisses

summary: Shuri isn't feeling like her confident self after being healed from being impaled by Namor you remind her who she is.

My Sweet Shuri

summary: Reader never calls Shuri by her name, she only calls her My Sweet, and it’s been passed down generations. Her mother called her father that, her grandma called her grandmother that, and her grandma’s father called his partner that.... Long story short they're soulmates

Traitor

summary: The Dora Milaje was quick to kill however the princess refused to let them kill you. There was a new rule no death to their own people even if they were traitors you were a traitor truth be told you wanted Shuri's seat not as the black panther but the throne and you were prepared to fight for it or fuck for it.

Strictly professional part 2

Summary: the dinner easily became not so professional.

Why are you looking at me like that

Summary: Reader and shuri are in the lab late one night messing around and then realize that they have feelings for each other.

I almost killed him

Summary: you followed Shuri into her battle with Namor refusing to leave her side when you see she's losing you jump in head first. Talk about in the name of love.

Real deal pothead

Summary: You are Shuri's hairstylist and occasional hook-up she's telling you about her day and how stressful it is.

Silence

Summary: she thinks she's so damn smart you don't know if you hate her for that or love her for it.

You flew here!!

Summary: you've been complaining to Shuri about how much you've missed her this past week. She pops in for a surprise visit.

The Scientist part 2

Summary: Shuri does indeed show you the palace the first place being her bedroom. (There will be no smut so get that out of y'all's nasty little minds maybe some suggestive writing no smut for the most part.)

Make you smile

Summary: a conversation shared between the reader and Shuri in their bed.

Festival Feels

Summary: You and Shuri are childhood friends who drifted apart with Shuri's new found responsibilities but she hasn't seen you since you both were kids now you both are grown...feelings are revealed dates are planned

Baby, I'm right here

Summary: The reader experiences a panic attack due to the recent death of a friend Shuri does her best to comfort her.

Such a good girl 

Until I stopped feeling like you were mad at me 

Fucking embarrassing

Vibranium soldier 

I'm sorry 

Stranger 

No 

I'm proud of her 

Revenge is sweet but so is love pt1

Revenge is sweet but so is love pt2

Our scars 

My wife 

Go for it 

Mama, why you got tiger stripes?

Wonwabile sithandwa sam? 

I'm sleeping on the couch 

Don't stop 

Lucky woman 

You don't want my kisses? 

I don't belong here 

I almost killed him (rewrite) 

Riri Williams

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We both sick

Summary: You found out Riri has a cold and you're fifty minutes away.

Baby take a break

Summary: You've been studying for the most complex test of the term and Riri just gives you a little distraction based on seeing how stressed you are.

Dating Riri

Summary: hc's

you're Ironheart

Summary: you're obsessed with Ironheart and catching sightings of her you find out who she really is she's a lot closer to home.

Get Behind Me

Summary: you finally let Riri meet your folks.

You don't look happy how can I fix that

Summary: Your girlfriend won't let you shake ass at a party so you drop her and have fun with Riri Williams instead who ends up becoming far more than just her name to you as the night goes on.

Did you just wipe my kiss away?

Summary: literally what it says 😅

Wash day

Summary: you and Riri go to visit your family and your mother mentions you need your hair washed so Riri volunteers in helping.

Riri Williams at a party

summary: hc's

Distraction

Summary: A tipsy and rather talkative Riri Williams catches you crying in the bathroom. One thing leads to another but you two can't seem to leave each other.

Riri Williams the liar, the manipulator, and the lover

Summary: Riri finally chooses you

Love is never too fast

Summary: you've invited your girlfriend back into your home after making an alliance with the world of Talokan after two years because you have an important question to ask.

Hard to come by

Summary: Riri is getting ready for her birthday dinner and you're too busy admiring her beauty.

She's so beautiful when she's sleeping

Summary: you fall asleep on face time and Riri comes and visits your apartment with breakfast from waffle house.

Two hours 

Is there still love? 

I love you, baby

Real dumb questions

One good day 

Mistletoe kisses 

Stay the night 

First kiss 

Chaotic but lazy day 

Damn you like me or something?

New years

Go fuck yourself Riri Williams pt1

Go fuck yourself Riri Williams pt2

I need a favor 

I felt filthy 

Too cute 

Drop him in a heartbeat

Friend!? 

She's here to work 

Photos? 

What's so special about dating girls? 

Hey, can I get your number? 

I'm fucking Ironheart

5'9

I'm not going to die 

Plenty fish in the sea

Don't fuck me up 

Stud!Riri Hc's 

Cocky bitch 

My boys want to talk to you 

When we're thirty 

22 going on 23

Should have been me 

Jamie Harrison

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You deserve someone who will fight for you not throw you into the fight Part 1

Request: The reader is new to the alpha house after Leanne gets arrested and is really reserved and quiet, and Jamie just gravitates toward her to heal or whatever but when Leanne comes back Jamie is forced to choose between them

You deserve someone who will fight for you not throw you into the fight Part 2

Summary: Part 2^^^

I can be your friend

Summary: Jamie and the reader meet at the club and sneak away together having a moment before parting ways. Only for Jamie to come back in search for her after Leanne gets locked up again.

Runaway hearts

She's a need not a want

So what?

I'll stay

Scotty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I see you too

Request: Scotty is stalking fem reader, but it turns out the reader was the first to notice Scotty and has actually been following her around for way longer.

Care to do it again

Summary: Scotty asks for your help when it comes to talking to women not knowing you have had a crush on her for two years or so that's what you think.

I have loved you since I saw you 

Crush

Your frown tears me apart 

Dating Scotty Hc's 

Stay the night 

(^ Working on more for her don't worry about the lack of fics.^)

Rosalie Otterbourne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

most popular:

[nanda-writes]

College girl sells soul to pay rent (not clickbait)

“So… your last wish is to make a deal with the devil?”

The ghostly woman nodded.

“It won't be possible, look, you need a physical body to perform this type of ritual,” said the medium “and I can't do it for you, because if I did, it would be my soul on sale.”

What if I possess you?

The spirit's voice echoed, the candles in the small clamped room in which the medium worked began to shake, transforming the trinkets scattered around the room into frightening dancing images. This could work… in theory.

“Not going to happen. Possessions are expressly prohibited on University internships. And honestly?” she added “I wouldn't endanger myself for a job that’s not even paid.”

I can pay.

The human raised one of her eyebrows. The candle flames flickered intensely, the ghost was desperate.

“Pay? Sorry, but we don't accept drachmas or whatever currency ghosts use, only cash or pix.”

She was joking, of course. What she didn't expect was the disembodied woman's response.

What's the key?

“Excuse me?”

Your pix, what is the key?

It wouldn't be possible that...?

Is ten thousand enough? Half now, half later.

It's worth a try, isn't it?

The medium shared her key. A few minutes later, she received the following message:

“Bank: Your pix has been received! Vellota ltd. sent you 5.000 reais”

Along with several confused emails by Grandma Vellota.

Looks like someone wouldn't have to worry about rent for a long time.

Kethelyn Correia — 21 years old, necromancy student at the Brazilian Federal University of Mystic Arts — is a medium in desperate need of additional hours for college and money. Kethelyn accepted the first internship that came her way without hesitating, realizing too late it was an unpaid one. Fuck it, we ball.

After months of late rent, days and nights on ramen noodles and various odd jobs to try to survive, selling a soul to the devil didn't seem like a bad idea. Anything was better than going back to her parents' house.

And that's how she ended up, three days later, on Carlos' — a college friend, master's student in demonology and ex-boyfriend — terrace at 2:30am on a Wednesday.

It was a nice evening, the sea nearby brought them a salty breeze, refreshing the warm summer night. The street lights were very close, illuminating the terrace together with the candles, revealing the unceremoniously dragged mess at the corners of the terrace. Carlos said they needed as much space as possible, the chalk circle in the middle of the terrace was the only clean space there.

“Okay, everything’s ready” said Carlos “candles lit, circles drawn, incense burning. Has she memorized the chants?”

Kethelyn nodded, they had practiced on this part together.

Carlos blew out the last match, looking around nervously. His eyes looked big behind the thick glasses he wore, his curly hair dancing with the breeze.

“Great, but seriously, this ghost couldn't have chosen a simpler invocation? Why go full catholic? There’s so many easier options…”

“Her name is Alice, I don't know about the choice for the ritual, but… thank you. Seriously. You didn't need to do all that.”

Kethelyn was being sincere. When she asked for her help, she expected at most a borrowed grimoire and some tips on how to not die.

“No problem, ha,” he replied, hands on his nape “it's the least I can do after that mistake I made.”

The “mistake” in question was the trigger for the end of their relationship. He cheated.

He cheated in a game of uno, shuffling the cards in a way that gave his friend — some 19 year old snake kid he befriended while traveling abroad — the advantage, causing Kethelyn to lose a bet.

“Ah, yes” She sighed, Alice's spirit approached floating upside down.

Hm? Share the tea, sis.

“Mind your own business.”

Rude.

“She’s here?” Carlos asked, shaking hands making the sign of the cross.

“I still can't believe that you work with literal demons, but are afraid of ghosts.” She laughed, “obviously she’s here, she's the one who's going to make the pact, duh.”

“Oh, my saint” Carlos sighed, repeating the sign “You how much of a bad idea this is, don't you?” he spoke gravely “After all, why does she want this? She's already dead!”

“It's quite a story…”

***

Alice Vellota was a young lady from a rich family, you see, her parents were rich, her grandparents were rich, her great-grandparents were rich and so on.

Alice had everything she could want, except the person she loved.

Coming from an extremely Catholic family, it is not surprising that her love for Maria Eduarda, a college friend, was a big scandal. Her parents threatened to disown her if she pursued her love, all empty threats of course. Fortunately, nothing can stop lesbians in love, not homophobic parents, not even death.

But when Maria Eduarda suddenly passed away, Alice was devastated. Her only consolation was the possibility of meeting in the afterlife. She knew Maria Eduarda would be somewhere in hell — she was a Satanist after all — she hadn't gone to heaven! But, she thought, hell is huge... how can I find her among so many people? So, she decided to solve this problem in the most logical way possible, selling her soul.

I'm already going to hell, at least I can ask to be close to her.

The plan was perfect. She home alone and everything was set, she just had to sing the chants and…

A window broke next to her and figures started to circulate around the apartment with loud wailing sounds. It was just the neighborhood kids playing football, but the scare was too much for Alice, she had a heart attack, dying before even starting the ritual.

***

“So, here's the problem. She's supposed to be in heaven now. “Kethelyn explained “technically she didn't make any pact, but the desire to join her girlfriend keeps her on this plane.”

“Why didn't you try… I don't know” Carlos shrugged “convincing her not to go to hell?”

“I tried, believe me.” Kethelyn's eyes were dead-serious “she's as stubborn as a mule.”

“Oh my saint, give me strength…”

“If everything is ready, let's begin.” The necromancer looked at Alice's ghost and signaled her to come “Get in loser, we’re summoning the devil.”

Suddenly, the coastal breeze refreshing the dawn stopped, the candle flames flickered without wind, Kethelyn bent over her stomach, the lights from the nearby street lights went mad. Carlos looked apprehensive when suddenly everything just… stopped.

The breeze, candles and the street lights returned to normal, only Kethelyn remained in the same position.

“Kethelyn? Are you okay?” Carlos asked worriedly. He was about to touch her on the shoulder when she straightened herself on a whim, her curly hair covering half her face, a smile weirdly wide creeping through her face.

“Boo” the ghost mocked him in the deep voice of the possessed, “still afraid, scaredy cat?”

Kethelyn saw everything in third perspective, she saw her mocking smile and Carlos' pale face. It was a funny feeling floating around, was that how her customers felt all the time?

She wanted to tell them both to start straight away, but she had difficulty vocalizing her thoughts, she didn't have a mouth after all. How did Alice do it? In any case, she didn't need to do anything. She saw her body go to the center of the circle, Carlos raised the barrier and sat on top of an old freezer away from the circle, she — or rather — Alice started singing the memorized chants.

As electrifying as a ritual to summon the bad thing itself may seem, it's pretty boring when you're just a spectator. Kethelyn spent the next 15 minutes bored to death — hah! — she passed her time enjoying her choice of outfit for the night, a pair of pink cargo pants and a matching tight crop top — what? You have to look stylish when you're going to meet someone famous, even if it's the devil.

Suddenly, a strong smell of sulfur filled the air and an unnatural fog began to rise inside the terrace. From within the fog lights glowed like flames.

There he was.

***

Kethelyn had a lot of expectations about the devil, but she wasn’t expecting that. A white man, bald, wearing a polo shirt and the most hideous goatee. Hadn't Lucifer been the most beautiful angel in heaven? What a glow down.

Disappointing.

The Demon stood still for a while, staring. All the corporeal beings present froze. He might have an ordinary appearance, but his aura certainly matched his fame.

“…So?” The Evil One broke the silence “What do you want, mortal?”

Kethelyn saw her body swallow hard, her hands shake. Alice finally took courage and said:

“I wan…” she hesitated “I want to have a reserved place, for me Alice Vellota and my girlfriend Maria Eduarda Almeida, in hell. A place where we can be together.”

The Fallen Angel raised an eyebrow.

“I want so that the moment this soul of mine leaves this body,” Alice kept going, more confident this time “I go straight to hell and meet her.”

Sathanas began to laugh.

“In so many centuries of work” his laugh was strondous “this is the first time I've seen someone who wants to go to hell!”

He continued laughing for a few more minutes, bending over himself and slapping his knees.

“So…” Alice was distressed “you accept the deal?”

“Ah, that, err…” Old Harry wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. “No.”

“Why?!”

“Sweetheart, do you think I'm stupid?” He said in a fake-offended voice. “I know that the soul inside this body died a long time ago.”

He laughed mockingly.

“I am the devil” he stretched the last word as if he was RuPaul “having the courage to lie in the face of the father of lies?” he clapped his hands sarcastically “You’re a real one, baby.”

Kethelyn could see her shaking, Alice must have been desperate.

“To tell you the truth,” The enemy continued, looking at Alice again “your soul is worthless to me. But hers…” Kethelyn didn't have a body at the moment, but she felt her soul shiver the moment Satan made eye contact with her, grinning. “Oh, her soul is very precious”

Why did she think he wouldn't be able to see her? He was the devil!

Carlos, who was just watching, felt chills when he saw The Old One pointing into thin air, he did not need to see her to know.

The devil wanted Kethelyn.

***

The Serpent made Kethelyn and Alice switch places, the sale of a soul should not be done by third parties, and Old Nick was more than willing to buy Kethelyn's.

“Not gonna happen.” Kethelyn denied the moment she got her body back.

“Come on, dear” insisted the prince of darkness with the warm gentleness of a salesman. “There must be something you want, do you want me to help you summon more souls for your studies? I can make all the sinners in hell available to you! You want money? Fame? I can do it in the blink of an eye! I have great references, artists loved me in the 90’s. Just tell me your price.”

“Can you help me get my degree while keeping my mental health?

“Unfortunately, reality-bending miracles are my father’s department.”

“Then no,” Kethelyn was determined “I know what you want me for. I will not send innocent souls to your domain. I may work with spirits, but I still have decency.”

Beelzebub took a deep breath.

“Well, I wasn't called here for nothing.” His facade fell, the warm voice gave way to a cold, cruel tone. “Either you give up your soul, and stay alive for another nine years... or you both come with me to hell, now.”

That was the last straw. Carlos ran through the old furniture and Nick Nacks squashed on the terrace to get the holy water and his other emergency supplies. If he had to fight the devil, so be it, but he wouldn't let him take her friend.

However, before he could invade the barrier, Carlos heard a yelp:

“Wait!”

It was Kethelyn.

“Lucifer Morningstar, I challenge you to a duel!”

Carlos wanted to tear out his own eyes, Lucifer grinned.

“And what are your terms, mortal?”

“If I win, you leave me alone and fulfill Alice's wish.”

“What if you lose?”

“...You can have my soul, as long as you fulfill her wish anyway.” She looked in the direction of Alice's ghost. “I know that fulfilling her wish is no big deal for you.”

From outside the barrier, Carlos was jumping, shaking his head, making an ‘’x’ with his arms, and mouthing ‘nooooooo’'. Kethelyn might be crazy, but she wasn’t suicidal, was she?

Was she?!

Lucifer pretended to think really hard.

“Okay, I accept your terms.” he smiled “And what do you challenge me to, little girl?”

Kethelyn smirked.

“Uno.”

Carlos was banging his head on the support pole of the terrace, and Alice — if she had eyes — would have them wide open in shock. They both thought the same thing:

She wants to kill herself!

***

“I'm sorry I didn't notice you before, Carlinhos!” Lucifer patted an inconsolable Carlos on the back.

The barrier had been broken, but Lucifer could not and did not want to attack any of them until the end of the challenge.

“It’s okay, Mr. Capiroto… it’s okay” Carlos repeated defeatedly. The two had met before, college projects can take you to unusual places, huh?

“So” Lucifer looked at Kethelyn “how does this… uno thing work?”

Kethelyn and Carlos looked at each other.

If the devil doesn't know how to play uno... they have a chance!

Carlos' eyes shone. Kethelyn looked at him smugly as if she had predicted this from the beginning — although it wasn't the case.

The humans took turns explaining to the prince of hell the rules of the esteemed — and supposedly — human card game, even Alice tried to help, mentioning observations and details the couple missed.

***

The clock was already striking at 3 am when the game actually started. Carlos raised another barrier for the participants. This particular barrier prevented either of them from cheating, a necessary measure for those playing with the devil.

The house rules say that the deck must be shuffled facing away from the players by someone who is not participating. As the only corporeal being left, Carlos had to take the dealer's role.

Kethelyn and Lucifer sat at the table found by Carlos somewhere in the mess. They both held their 7 cards from the uno deck, the starting card was in the center of the table, draw deck on the side. Carlos took a coin out of his pocket to decide who would start; Heads to Lucifer, Tails to Kethelyn.

The coin was tossed. Seconds of tension dragged on like hours. The coin fell into Carlos' hand. He opened his palm:

Heads.

***

It begins, Kethelyn's cards had nothing special, just a +2 red card as a special card and a predominance of reds, leaving with only one card for each other color.

The initial card, taken from the draw deck, was a green 3.

Lucifer started his attack, immediately launching a +2 green card. Kethelyn was unfazed, launching her red +2 card, doubling the attack and reversing the damage. Kethelyn, however, did not expect Lucifer to have a trick up his sleeve, as he placed another card in the pile.

+4.

Kethelyn had no way to counterattack this time, the medium let out a frustrated sigh as she picked up her eight cards: three red, three green, one blue and a special card, a red reverse.

“Color?” asked the medium.

“Yellow.”

Kethelyn nodded and threw three cards of number 7 into the pile, the bottom one yellow, the top one red.

Lucifer had no choice but to draw and place the same color.

Kethelyn places her red reverse card — drawn from the batch she just took — and then two number 4 cards, red and green.

Lucifer draws again and soon passes.

Neither red nor green cards… maybe the advantage is coming back to me. Kethelyn thought.

Kethelyn places her card again, this time two cards numbered 0, green and red, respectively. But the card Lucifer had just drawn was also red, so he places it in the pile combined with another card, changing the game's color to blue.

The game continues with blue cards until the devil places a card numbered 2, where Kethelyn manages to change the game's color to red again. Lucifer draws, and passes. But just one round later, he uses the same trick on Kethelyn, this time changing the color to green, Kethelyn places a card, Lucifer draws and places.

It's number 1, green.

Kethelyn ponders, she has three cards at the moment, the numbers 1 and 6 in red and the number 9 in green. She could try to change the color to red, she knows that her opponent doesn't have any red cards, but it would certainly inconvenience her later. She knows that Lucifer doesn't have any green cards either, and getting rid of the green card would avoid inconvenience, so that was the most obvious option, right?

Kethelyn wasted no time, playing card 9.

Lucifer smiled demonically.

— Uno! — he exclaimed, throwing the yellow card 9 on the table.

Kethelyn wanted to bang her head on the table, how had she not realized he only had two cards? What will she do now? She doesn't have another 9 card and much less yellow cards, she doesn't know the number or color of the last card, if it isn't a special card! She can't lose this game.

I can’t… I can’t…

The necromancer's hands shook as she tried to pull the next card from the deck, so much that the entire deck slid off the table.

Carlos approached it with an intense look, he looked Kethelyn in the eyes, silently asking her to trust him. Kethelyn didn't understand, but trust she did.

Carlos picked up the cards from the floor and explained that he would have to shuffle everything again.

Wait, will he…?

The game of Uno that Kethelyn lost last time was changed after Carlos shuffled the game, he knew many card tricks, including how to manipulate a deck without looking suspicious, and would never hesitate to cheat his way to uno.

But how? The barrier would prevent…

Kethelyn realized.

Carlos was outside the barrier.

The barrier unables Kethelyn and Lucifer to cheat, but that didn't count the Croupier.

When Carlos put the deck back, Kethelyn's hands were stable, she pulled out the top card...

A +4.

Kethelyn almost cried with joy as she threw the card on the table.

Lucifer drew his cards resignedly and asked the color:

“Red.” Kethelyn felt triumphant.

Lucifer played his card and Kethelyn followed without any problems, this time she was the one shouting Uno.

She placed the red 6 card. The only card left in her hand was the red number 1.

But instead of passing, the devil placed a new card on the pile.

A yellow 6.

Kethelyn felt a growing despair. She still had a chance, but it was frustrating. She was so close…

The human pulled a card from the deck and almost cried with joy for the second time that day.

It was number 1 in yellow.

Kethelyn could hardly believe her luck.

“I won!” Kethelyn announced, throwing the letter into the pile and standing up. “I won!”

Lucifer sighed mockingly.

“It seems so” he replied, and added, narrowing his eyes “this time.”

Lucifer stood up, assuming a relaxed posture as he looked in Alice's direction.

“Are you coming or not?”

The spirit looked dazed, her form flickering like candlelight.

“Already?”

“Isn't that what you wanted? No going back now.”

“Yes, yes” Alice alternated her gaze between Lucifer and Kethelyn “I just need to do one thing first, quick.”

“You know you can't run away, right?”

“I know!” She yelled before disappearing.

Lucifer looked at Kethelyn and Carlos.

“Don't think it's over yet, kids.” He gave another devilish smile. “I have as many tricks up my sleeve as you.”

Alice returned before the humans could respond.

“Let's go!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, let's go.”

Lucifer looked at the couple one last time, and pointed his two fingers first at himself, then at them in an “I'm watching you” sign, and disappeared into the darkness.

Before Kethelyn could open her mouth, a notification.

Bank: your pix has been received! Vellota ltd. sent you R$5,000.

Carlos looked at the cellphone screen clearly impressed.

“You know,” he broke the silence. “I kind of saved your life just now, so, I don't know... you could buy me a burger? As a thank you.”

Kethelyn smirked.

“Yeah, I guess we're even now, huh? I don’t know if there’s a burger place open at this hour, how about an açaí?

“Deal.”

They laughed.

Kethelyn wouldn't have to worry about rent for a long time.

[downtoncoquetteroach]

Notes: Damn I wasn't expecting this to be that long, I'm really sorry for taking all this time to update, this chapter took a lot of me, I was planning something lighter and smutier for it but man, these days have a heavy load of darkness, fortunately the sun rebirth is already upon us so, I hope this words bring some sort of cozy feeling, I wrote it with all my heart as a way to embrace all of the beautiful souls that read this words, you mean the world to me. I hope you have a lovely holiday and merry Christmas to you all 🎄❣️.

TW: swearing, angst, drugs consumption.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5 🎀 dancing at our own pace 🎄

Y/n was reading out loud her notes from potions so Neville could see how messy and intelligible they were. They were alone in the common room laughing and it was really late. There was a beautiful song playing but y/n couldn't figure out who it was. She was sitting with her legs spread over Neville's, about to ask him who was the singer but she realized that Neville's fingers started distractingly caressing her left knee, she went stiff and felt her flesh trembling below his tender and warm touch, goosebumps raising all over her skin, a warm feeling coming over her chest, the simple sight of his hand touching her was providing such pleasure... He suddenly realized what he was doing and stopped apologizing nervously. She slowly incorporated into the couch oddly sure of herself while he was compulsively telling her how sorry he was, she sat on his legs facing him, arms around his neck, legs clutching his. He went silent. She slowly touched his lower lip mildly open while he went stiff. "Neville I don't want you to stop touching me". He was speechless but y/n felt his hardness right below her ass. It was really warm and hard, the pleasure was increasing while she rubbed her ass again and again as he started to moan in her ear, his hot breathing causing goosebumps on her neck, she needed more pressure, some how it wasn't enough, somehow Snape was reading her notes making fun of her while the singer was making pancakes that filled the common room with a delicious smell.

Oh fuck...

Y/n was now fully awake, her eyes facing the sun coming through the window. She was being embraced tightly by Neville's arm around her waist. His body fully pressed to her, she was actually feeling his boner on her ass and she was fully wet as a result. They must have fallen asleep while talking about the party and how her muggle friends were like.

Was she actually rubbing against him before? Or was it just in the dream? She felt so embarrassed she couldn't move. Was he awake? By his deep slow breaths she dared to guess he wasn't, otherwise he would definitely not be pressing his hard member against her bum. She didn't knew what to do, if she moved she was risking to wake him up and face the humiliation of what was happening but if she stayed... The thought of staying and seeing how it could go increased the humidity on her panties. She decided to be quick and stepped out of the bed pushing Neville's arm, almost running to the bathroom and took care of her troubled feelings taking a shower. Her grandma was still humming when she went downstairs for breakfast. Neville was already there, helping. They didn't stared at each other too much that afternoon, y/n couldn't quite figure if it was the morning accident or the prospect of the party but Neville was nervous as fuck, clumsy and stuttering. When it was time to go she approached him

Nev if you don't want to go its ok, we can stay here and watch a movie or something, I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on you with this and not telling you before, I didn't even ask if you wanted to go... I was stupid, I'm sorry.

The first thing Neville saw that morning were y/n's legs despairing behind the door. He realized that the wonderful dream he was having made an effect on his body in the real world. He had an immediate urge to disappear from the face of earth, Y/n must have felt it and she was so disgusted with it that she felt the need to cleaning herself as soon as possible. He felt so guilty and ashamed he couldn't bare to look at her in the eye's. He spent the hole day struggling with the urge to leave, but he was a coward and he actually didn't wanted to go, but he just couldn't found the words to apologize. He was a horrible friend already, having a secret crush with her and now this?, what a fucked up retard he was, always spoiling everything... Ginny had told him to be careful with his feelings, but he was familiar with rejection, he had already lost, as always, since the beginning so...what worried him the most was preserving their friendship, but after the way he was acting he wasn't sure he could remain beside her, he didn't deserve her, not as friend, much less as a lover.

But he looked her in the eyes for the first time that day, she was gorgeous ...and worried about him, she wasn't even saying a thing about "the incident". He felt a weight in his stomach. He had to man up and sucked up all of his self pity thoughts, he couldn't stand to be the motive of her concern. It was in his hands to make her happy, so he changed his attitude and cheerfully exclaimed

Nonsense y/n. Let's go.

******************************

Angie was y/n's childhood friend. They grew apart after y/n got her Hogwarts letter but they still cared for each other a lot and spent a considered amount of time walking and biking around the neighborhood when y/n was home for vacations. Angie was under the impression that y/n attended to a Catholic private school far away as a consequence of y/n's parents divorce.

Angie was tall, bony and very attractive, her attitude and mindset were a little bit too mature for her age, sometimes it was hard to believe that her and y/n were at the same grade at some point, but that day was her birthday and she was excited like a little girl, jumping around and talking so fast and so loud it was highly contagious. When Neville and y/n showed up at her door she started jumping like a bunny, hugging y/n so tight Neville was concerned she might suffocate her.

The decorations in the living room were a combination of birthday balloons and Christmas lights, there were several amounts of teenagers talking in different groups, most of them seemed posh but a few of them looked like regular town kids, it was also very curious to Neville the lack of girls, being so used to be surrounded by them he was a little nervous when the male energy was higher. He tried very hard not to look uncomfortable and wave but there was no time for the crowd to respond because as soon as y/n showed up behind him everyone was really excited and cheerfully greeted her friend. She introduced him to everyone, they were totally curious about him and the school they went together, Neville tried as hard as he could to keep the details of Hogwarts and magic out of his mind and really soon he discovered that it was really easy because most muggles hated school as much as him and unfortunately, everyone had some really nasty stories about abusive teachers just like him and they had parents with great expectations that made them feel overwhelmed, so, for the first time in like forever, he actually felt understood, like he belonged. Everyone was drinking and after a while, Neville offered to bring some refreshments to give y/n and Angie time to talk in private.

So, did he dye his hair or that's not Fred... -Angie went straight to the point, y/n was dreading Angie interrogation but her friend deserved some explaining, after all those years hearing all about her pinning over Fred, she had gained the right to know the details, specially now that she finally had something more juicy to tell than the eternal description of how Fred's hair could shine in the morning. She told her everything that happened between them but she did an special remark on how she started to be friends with Neville, she told her how amazing that Sunday on the greenhouse had been, and described the music, the feelings, the light, the plants, how good was Neville rolling a joint and how he saved her from the awkwardness of encountering with Fred.

Angie was curiously listening to her, clearly having her own thoughts on the matter, she suddenly stopped y/n's discourse on Neville's incredibile music taste.

-Wait, So do you like this guy now?

-No, he's my friend

-Ha!

-What?!

-Are you really playing out that card then?

-If you don't mind I'll love for you to be clear darling.

-Do I really need to tell you?

-What?! - y/n was laughing but starting to lose her patience, sometimes Angie made her feel so dumb and clueless. Y/n didn't had older sisters but she was positive this was the dynamic between them.

-It's better if I show you. -Angie gave her one of her sassy signature looks while chewing her plastic cup and walked away. Y/n was confused but instead of following her she went to the kitchen to find Neville, he was gone for quite awhile and she was worried of leaving him alone for too long around strangers specially when he didn't know that much about muggles although, she was really impressed with how he had handled everyone's interrogation earlier. The party was crowded and the lights were dime, she greeted some friends she hadn't seen and after a little while, she found Neville surrounded by local stoners, smoking and congratulating him on the good stash. He was laughing, blushing and mingling, so comfortable and confident it was hard to believe it was the same boy who suffered so much bullying on school. He was wearing a black shirt, black coat, black trousers and stripped socks on Gryffindor colours, legs and arms crossed, not out of discomfort, but as a power move, for the first time, the boys around him were seeking his approval and not otherwise. Y/n haven't noticed how handsome he looked when they leave the house, must have been the awkward day they had... She remembered the dream, a guilty but delicious sensation invaded her... Fuck, she needed a drink.

In that moment Neville saw her, he already had a beer, he was sensible to alcohol so he wasn't planning on drinking too much, specially because he felt responsible for y/n's safety, but he needed a few drinks to relax and be able to talk to her about that morning... She was lovely on that little black skirt and those elegant black stockings, her black t-shirt was a bit transparent and he was able to see the strap on her bra...he definitely needed to stop looking at her in that way. He approached her, leaving his public behind.

-Excuse me little girl, I can't help but wonder, are you old enough to drink?

Y/n laughed, continued pouring herself a drink.

-Oh I see, you are breaking the law young lady, I have to scort you out of these hole full of decadence and lust - hi's joke was lame but it was working, she was laughing and as a response she drank up the whole cup and started to pour another one, eyes fixed on him, a mischievous smirk on her wet lips.

He gasped dramatically and then went serious

-Are you defying me? - he came closer, towering her in such a way she ended up against the kitchen bar, her eyes lifting up to meet hi's, she was nervous, y/n stoped hearing anything except her heart racing, her hands sweaty and everything she could percibe was just Neville's sent, she could have never imagined Neville acting like that, but it was so thrilling, everyone else in the room disappeared, it was just the two of them, his body so close to hers, his hands on each side of the wall behind her, cornering her, looking at her deeply, getting really close...

But they weren't alone.

-My guest told me about that amazing stash of yours, handsome - Angie was right behind Neville whispering in his ear, leaned on his shoulder, y/n's gutts twisted. The moment was gone. Neville turned, smiling shyly, his whole body language shifting.

-Oh, it's an exaggeration, don't trust them, they are high you know!- Neville was tapping his feet nervously, y/n couldn't stop her eyebrows from furrowing

-Oh, come on, birthday spliff? - Angie was pouting, she was actually pouting! trying to look as cute as she could. That was not new for y/n to witness, she had long experience watching boys fall out for that old cheap trick, but Neville was resisting. He wasn't even look at her, his eyes were glued to the floor.

-You can have this if you want it that much - he handed her a small bag of weed and took y/n by the hand - we were on our way to dance, happy birthday! - he pulled y/n out of the kitchen through the sea of drunk teenagers and into the hall, where a lot of drunk boys have just arrive, screaming and laughing and bumping into things. The party was about to become a mess.

-Nev, I think it's better if-

-Yeah, let's go

They walked back home commenting on the party, Neville was very critical about the music

-Oasis? Can you believe it? Ugh, I'm insulted - y/n couldn't stop laughing, she was a bit tipsy but the thing that got her high was the fact that the boy who was walking with her in the cold darkness had rejected Angie. She couldn't helped, she was mesmerized. But she was also a bit hurt, why would her friend do such thing to her, she must have known she... oh

-FUCK!

-What? Did you forgot something? Are you hurt? What's wrong?

She remained silent, looking at him, he was so stunningly handsome. Her heart twisted again, she couldn't believe it, this was what her friend had tried to show her, that thing she was trying to hide so desperately, the fact that she was actually falling for Neville.

-Nothing, don't worry, Im fine! Really! Damn it's cold isn't it?...uhh let's keep going! Almost there! Are you freezing? Coz I am.

-You sure you are alright?

-Yeah yeah, don't mind me, it's just past bed time.

Neville took and extra glance of her and kept going. Y/n went silent the rest of the walk, lost in her own self conscious thoughts. If she was falling for Neville, what about Fred? How could this possibly be? After all those years pinning for him, when she finally got her must deeply desire in her hands, would she just walk away from him? He was a tosser sometimes, but very good at pleasing her, incredibly talented actually but he was also excellent by getting under her skin. From the moment they got "intimate" they started arguing like never before. It was nonsense and besides, he had been so rude to Neville... Neville? Did she really like him? She turned to look at him, he was walking bedside her, softly humming a tune looking at the trees on the way home, his long nose, his black hair falling on his forehead, the dreamy eyes, the red lips, bunny teeth's slightly showing up and his amazing hands playing with each other as they usually did...she sighed deeply.

***********************************

It was Christmas Eve, Neville was very close to the tree, it was full of multicolor lights and shiny mismatched ornaments and random wrapping paper, handmade small trees, little deer's with red noses, some grandpa's in red velvet pijamas as well as some cute house elf's wearing green hats. None of them moved or dance but they had catchy tunes coming from their plastic belly's. There was definitely a melancholy sort of magic in all of that, it made Neville wonder for the first time in his life how everything could have turn if he wasn't a wizard. If his mom and dad had been muggles and lived as common people in that town, the song coming through the plastic lights in the tree had started to make him weep. Maybe it was because the next day would be the first Christmas away from his mom and dad in the hospital. Y/n approached him.

-Do you wanna lay down?

She was wearing a Beatles t shirt and a black skirt, he spent the whole dinner trying to hide how pleased he was knowing she liked the Beatles.

-What do you mean?

-Come, I'll show you how

She sat beside him and he did the same, then, she pushed herself to be closer to the tree until her head was right below it. He did the same.

They were admiring the little universe inside the decorated branches, looking as high as they could, an immersive exercise that caught their imagination for some time in silence. After a moment, she said

-When I was a kid I cried so much because it was Christmas, I hated it. My parents used to discuss all the time, yelling and cursing, making me choose between them... I never believed in this holiday spirit everyone's talk so much about, for me it was hell. But my grandpa, he, well, one year there was a horrible dinner, mom and dad were screaming so much he went home and rescued me just because I called him. I was crying all the way here and I was ashamed of being such a cry baby, I was nine and I had this specially tragic sensation that my childhood was ending and everything was horrible and hopeless -y/n made a pause, she recovered her breath and laughed a little - my grandpa wasn't an affectionate man, he showed love in that way very few times but that night he did, he holded me and brought me to the tree and taught me this. He said "there is more ways to look at things, even when you think you know all about something, if you change your perspective, you'll find out a new world". I stood in silence down here the rest of the night, imagining that I was 2cm long and this was an extremely tall magic tree I had to climb and all the adventures I'll had, it was so comforting I kept doing it every year.

Neville's throat was a rock, but he managed to say

-You know? There's a forest in California that has the tallest trees in the world, most of them are over 100mts, if we go there you could feel as if you were 2cms tall.

-You can also cast a shrinking spell on me right here and now you know

Neville laughed

-Merlin's cracking knees, I'm such a horrible wizard I didn't even think about it.

-You are not! It's just too much time in the muggle world

-Yes I am, and you know? I wouldn't mind being a muggle, being here, with you, all of this, I never thought it could be this easy not living stressed about every single spell, pronunciation, wand work, keeping my bloody wand safe, my own life safe, all of the trouble wizards go through can be avoided perfectly, I wish I could just relax and press a button to had my light on instead of using a stick that might end setting the room on fire.

-You are definitely not that bad Nev

-I was, and I kept being the worst even when I got better and I wish my grandma and McGonagall and everyone could just give up on me and let me be the hopeless toad I am, they should just turn me into one and throw me in the lake so the giant squid could have me for dessert, it would be a perfectly believed accident and no one would miss me, I bet it would take weeks for someone to notice that I'm gone. My only concern is Trevor but I bet I can convince him to suicide with me, he doesn't look that happy being my pet or a toad anyway.

Y/n was rolling in the carpet, laughing so much her stomach hurts.

-Oh Neville! You have thought about this so much oh my god.

Neville was laughing too, y/n laughter was one of his favorite sounds now, he was really proud of himself for being capable of making her laugh that hard, suddenly he realized he wasn't sad anymore, he was actually quite happy and content, laying down with his best friend, just talking, admiring her features illuminated by the tree lights. She was coming down from her laughter outburst, looking him with shinny dream eyes, a strange tension started building inside Neville's chest. He swallowed hard without breaking eye contact, finally she asked

-So, what do you think about your first muggle party?

-Oh it was cool, I had fun, I like muggles, did you had fun?

-Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's weird

-Weird?

-Well, I don't know, I never really see them anymore, not like I used to, I don't even hang out with Angie as much as before and every time I see them is to catch up... and that's weird

-Catching up is weird?

-Yes, I feel like I already lost them. Like, everytime I see them I got a glimpse of the life I lost. The person I could have been, the friends or relationship I could have had, careers I can't pursue, experiences I'll never know... And I don't really feel entitled to feel bad about it because IM A BLODDY WITCH I mean I do magic! And I've got the chance to be at a magical school in a bloody castle with other witches and wizards and I can do a lot of wicked stuff, so, I know I'm privileged, but deep down I feel like I don't know, like I'm losing something, a part of me I'll never know, a life I'll never had and it's a little disturbing to find out that in this magical world is normal to just forget about all of that and be happy with my second class citizen status and be quiet about this grief I feel for my friends, my family even and my old self.

Neville was bewildered. He had never thought about the wizarding world in that way, he felt like such an idiot.

-We should run away then, I mean, I hate being a wizard, you hate living your life broken in two, so, fuck it.

Y/n grinned at the thought.

-Can you imagine? What would you like to do?

-Well I don't know that much about muggles...OH! I want to go to the record store! Andromeda says that's where she gets the vinyl's she sent me, I don't know where the record store Is tho

-There's plenty of them! We could go to everyone! We could own one! It could be a cafe too, when I was growing up my dream was to own a cafeteria.

-What's that?

-A place where you drink caffeine

-You can only get that sort of thing there? Like an opium bar?

-How do you know about opium bars and not cafeteria's?

-One of the guys at the party was obsessed with going to Berlin to find one and he was on and on about it.

-What?

-Yeah... He was about to tell me about something called LSD but then - Neville's voice went low - I saw you

-Oh, sorry for interrupting - she was speaking softly too, the memory of THAT moment in the kitchen with him was hitting hard, nervousness crawling over her skin, he was looking at her, lost in his thoughts - I'm glad you had fun.

-I did, well I just, I have one complain

-The oasis thing again?

-Nooo, I mean, yes of course but, no it's just that, ugh I expected it to be more dancing - he covered his face with his hands full of embarrassing

-Yeah, you must be the only man I know that likes dancing so much, boys are not really into it.

-I thought It was a wizards thing, I'm really disappointed

-No, unfortunately it's a men thing, sorry.

-Guess I'll have to wait for your granny to wake up so I can have a partner.

-I'm not good enough for you? - y/n was raising an eye brow, she didn't even knew she was capable of that. Was she flirting? Neville's red cheeks were a confirmation, she was actually flirting, damn.

-Would you dance with me? - his throat was dry, he wasn't expecting this conversation ending up that way.

-Of course - how could she dance if her knees were trembling?

-Neville stood up and offered his hand to help her, she noticed his sweaty palms, or were her's? He went to the record collection and choose a record he couldn't stop thinking at dinner. After a moment With the Beatles started playing.

-Oh...- she blushed- you got me.

-I mean it was quite in the nose actually - he pointed at her t-shirt, she laughed while started nerviosly moving - oh common, you can do better than that, I ve seen your moves girl.

-What? When? Where?

-Uhm - he could have slapped himself, why was he bringing that up right now? He didn't wanted to screw up the moment but he carried on carefully - well, that night at the party, you were dancing by yourself to Cocteau twins, I was looking at you, you seemed so carefree and happy, I wanted to dance with you but

-What?

-He got you first.

-Oh

-They went still, an awkward silence filling the air for what seemed an eternity, she was actually really confused about Neville's declaration, the fact that he witnessed everything and the thing that happened after that made her feel so vulnerable...

And then All I've got to do started playing.

-Common, it's a slow one.

Neville took her hand and brought her closer in one single elegant movement and suddenly her arms were around his neck and his on her waist, slowly guiding her to the beat of the song. Looking down at her he softly said

-Sorry for what I said, I didn't mean to hurt you, I know you don't like to think about that night.

-No, don't be, I, well I don't know how to feel about that night but, I just, I guess I was surprised, I didn't knew someone was paying attention.

-I know. Sorry. I feel guilty about it.

-Why?

-Well I wanted to run after you but he beat me to it, maybe if I just had run faster I...

-He didn't forced me you know? I wanted to.

-Yeah, of course - of course she wanted to, of course that wouldn't change anything, Neville was feeling stupid for thinking that any of his actions could have changed the outcome, she liked Fred, not him, that was a fact.

Y/n felt a stone in her stomach, was Neville implying what she thought he was implying? There was a shadow covering his eyes, some sort of sadness she haven't noticed before. She felt the need to hold him tight so she did.

She was up in her tiptoes, even with high boots she barely got to his neck so she rested her head against his collar bones, he held her tightly, his scent filling her every sense, the soft but strong grip he had on her body provoked an involuntary throat sound produced electrical shivers on his collar.

All my loving was coming through in the record player but despite the change of rhythm they didn't pull away. He held her while they played the whole record, dancing at their own pace, singing along until she felt asleep in his arms.

[disdaidal]

Love going to my old hometown to see some relatives, just to find out my uncle's drinking again (he always does but it's worse now), and that he's out of money, in a lot of debt, and the taxi he drives is broken, and he hasn't eaten for days.

Not to mention my 87-year-old grandma is the guarantee in his loan(s), and he hasn't paid his installments in a while, so there's that too. Needless to say, my grandma was worried sick, and so I agreed drive us there last evening to see if he's even alive anymore because he hadn't answered texts or phone calls.

He opened the door for us. He was groggy/drunk/hangoverish and smelled like old booze. He hasn't shaved in a while. His place was a mess and obviously smelled bad. When we suggested that we buy him some food, he said there's no point because his fridge and freezer were broken.

So my grandma opened them and... there was nothing but loads of rotten food there. It smelled like a corpse. There was mold on the walls of the fridge, and the freezer boxes were full of water and rotten stuff. Some brown liquid had flown out onto the floor as well and ruined the carpet. And my grandma was just standing there and cleaning and emptying that stuff like no biggie whereas I stood a couple of meters away and tried not to hurl every ten seconds.

There was also a lot of different shit in the kitchen, like opened jars, old food boxes, milk cartons, rotten fruit—even unfinished food from 2-3 days ago according to him, which tells me that not only he hasn't been able to store food properly; he really hasn't fucking eaten either. At least one sandwich was just lying there, and he'd probably taken a bite or two of it and then just let it waste there.

He wouldn't even let us finish cleaning (we took a few garbage bags out though) because 'he's tired' and 'he wants to go to sleep'. We still offered to buy him some food, but he refused. So I finally grabbed the small box of fish soup that grandma had made earlier and handed it to him, so he could eat something, and at least that he accepted.

But I couldn't properly sleep last night because I kept thinking about the whole situation. So when I talked on the phone with my mum today, we agreed that I contact local social welfare and explain his situation. I tried calling them first and making it sound urgent, but they asked me to fill out an online form. So I did and explained the problem as well as I could (plus his possible physical and mental ailments), and left both our contact details there.

I hope they can reach him, and that he'll accept help (I don't think he will though) because if not, then they can't do much about it, unfortunately. The self-determination laws in this country are quite firm, so if it's a grown-up refusing help, then sorry🤷‍♀️ :/

My grandma's trying to contact her older son (his brother) and persuade him to buy him a new fridge, at least. Even if he does, the old fridge still needs to be emptied and cleaned up before that, and I really hope she's not planning to do it alone 🙄😑.

I could cry and bitch about how utterly mad and done I'm with all kinds of alcoholics (I lost my dad to it 9 years ago, for example). But mostly, I feel for my grandma. She doesn't deserve this. She shouldn't have to worry about her grown-up son at that age, let alone worrying about paying his debts when her own retirement allowance isn't that great either. 😑

Either way, if he's not accepting help, it's gonna take me all willpower not to go behind his door and smack some sense into him. I don't want to give up on him just yet, but I also know that if this doesn't lead anywhere, I may have to. And it's making me somewhat anxious right now.

Well... at least it's a beautiful day outside today. Maybe I'll just go out and get some fresh air for a while.

[a-dirty-secret]

Johnny's Girl - Part 3

tw: dub/non-con, hematolagnia, dacryphilia, blood, violence, stalking, rough sex.

You were on your way to town for groceries when your car came to a halt. You look down and notice your gas gauge is on empty. "What the fuck?" You knew your car had gas yesterday, was it leaking? Frustrated, you get out of your car and begin walking towards your house. You'd only made it a couple of miles, and you had a gas can at home.

It was a hot, sunny Texas day, and the heat was making you ornery. You'd only been back in Texas for about a year, and you weren't used to the intense heat. About 15 minutes had passed and just as you felt the desire to rip your own skin off to attempt to cool down a truck pulled up next to you and came to a stop.

"Hey there darlin', what're you doin' out here in this heat?" The man smirked, looking almost.. Amused? His dark brown hair was slicked back and he had dark, almond shaped eyes. Your own eyes subconsciously wandered to his toned arms, completely visible thanks to the sleeveless black shirt he was wearing. Yeah... He was attractive. A little bit too attractive.

"I ran out of gas a little ways back." You reply simply, returning your eyes to his.

"Why don't you get in and I'll help you out, don't look like you're handlin' this heat very well." he said with a laugh.

Something inside of you told you to say no and continue on your way, but the heat was making you miserable. Against your better judgement you get in the truck, thanking him for his help.

"My pleasure." he said, looking me up and down. "I'll take you to my pa's gas station and get you taken care of. Name's Johnny."

"My name's Y/N. I'm lucky you drove by. As you can tell, I'm not used to this Texas heat."

"Yeah? Where're you from?"

"Michigan, I moved here about a year ago after my grandma passed. She left me her little house. I'd always loved it when I was little, I was excited to be back..." You trail off, realizing you're sharing a bit too much and are probably boring the man next to you.

"Tell me more about you." It wasn't a request. His voice was low and his tone was somewhat.. Commanding. You felt your stomach tighten with anxiety, but also with arousal.

"Well... What do you want to know?"

"Everything." His response felt odd, but it made your stomach flutter. You began telling him small things, your favorite color, favorite food, preferred weather, the music you like, etc. Before you knew it the truck stopped in front of a dumpy little gas station.

Johnny glances at you, an odd look on his face. You study him, indecision? His brows pressed together and you ask him what's wrong. "Nothin' darlin', you just wait right here. I'll be right back." He gets out of the truck and you watch as he walks into the gas station.

"Well damn, he fills those jeans out nicely..." You mutter to yourself, your mind going over his somewhat off-putting behavior. You couldn't place your finger on it, but you knew there was something off about him, maybe even dangerous. You're common sense was telling you to leave this man alone, but something inside of you wanted to unravel his secrets.

Johnny walked out of the gas station with a gas can in hand, putting it in the back of the truck. He gets back in and starts the truck up. "So I've told you about me... Are you going to tell me about you or keep up this little mysterious act."

He lifts an eyebrow and glances over at you. "Not much to tell, sweetheart. I'm just an innocent farm boy."

You scoff and roll your eyes. "I don't believe that for a second."

"No? And why is that, hm?"

"There's just... Something about you. Just tell me one thing about yourself. Anything. Please?" You bring your lip into a small pout and give him your best puppy dog look.

Something intense flashes in his eyes as he glances at you. "Why don't you say please one more time for me, darlin', and I'll give you what you want." His voice was low and rough, almost erotic.

You stare at him somewhat shocked, and extremely aroused. He glances at you again and raises an eyebrow, clearly waiting for you to respond.

"Please, Johnny." The look flashes across his eyes again before he responds.

"I like workin' on cars. Started tinkering when I was a young boy and taught myself everything I know. It's relaxin'."

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" You tease, grinning at him.

A few minutes pass and you arrive at your car. Johnny grabs the gas can, fills you car up for you then puts the can back in his truck, turning towards you as you give him your thanks. "Thank you so much for your help, you're a life saver".

"Like I said, my pleasure." You smile and turn to get in your car when suddenly Johnny grabs you by the wrist, turning you around and pulling your body close to his. "I need to see you again." His eyes burned into yours, causing your cheeks to flush and your breath to catch in your throat. "When?" he asked simply, not bothering to ask if you want to see him again.

"When do you want me, Johnny?" You asked quietly, wanting to see his reaction to your suggestive words.

The same intense look from earlier fills his eyes as he puts a hand on your hip, pulling you tightly against him and pushing you up against your car. His other hand went to the side of your neck as he dipped his head down to whisper in your ear. "I want you every night darlin', but why don't we start with Saturday?" He places a gentle kiss below your ear and moves away.

He sees how flustered you are and smirks, watching as you attempt to compose yourself. You tell him your address, he tells you he'll be there at 6pm. You watch as he gets into his truck and drives away, then make your way home.

Johnny distracted you so much you forgot about getting groceries. You sigh and lay down on the couch, deciding groceries can wait, thinking about your encounter with Johnny. He was mysterious, intimidating and sexy. His intense and mysterious demeanor should push you away, but instead you find it drawing you in. Soon you doze off, images of Johnny whirling in your head.

[vikings-til-valhalla]

When I was in kindergarten, my music teacher showed the class the famous movie "The Sound of Music". It took several classes to finish it, but I didn't remember anything about it except for one scene where Maria stood on a hill singing that line, "The hills are alive with the sound of music." Everything else became a total blank.

Today, I rewatched it with my mother for the first time in almost 20 years. And all I can say is this:

1. I'm damn surprised a teacher was allowed to show this to kindergarteners.

2. I'm damn mad at myself for not remembering the literal entire point of the movie, which is love and loyalty through love, whether for better or worse.

The horrors of Nazi Germany, and escaping them, it makes me think of what my family had to go through to escape themselves. That's right. I had several family members who, back in the 1940s, fled Germany to avoid being forced into Naziism. They made it onto a boat, and went to Canada, but that's as far as I was ever told. My grandma, old as she was, couldn't remember much more, so she hadn't told any of her kids beyond this.

But it makes me think. My grandma, too, was part of a convent of nuns. She also fell in love and left, married, and had 5 children, although they'd lived in America at the time and continued to do so until this day. Just like Maria fell in love with Georg despite being a nun, and together, as a family, they all fled. Because they loved each other, and they prevailed for the sake of love. It was horrifying, their escape. Traumatic, and full of fear. Fear that, to me, was real. Because somewhere, in the past, my family experienced it firsthand themselves, and were too horrified to tell anyone the whole story.

I remember in 5th grade, a kid in my class had either a grandfather or an uncle (I forget which) who'd escaped a concentration camp. That relative published a book on the experience, came into class, and read it aloud to us, or at least part of it. And... it was just as terrifying to me as when I'd met former slaves who came to my class years beforehand to talk about their experiences as well. It was the 2000s. And yet, these people lived, had stories to tell, experiences to share, and I'm damn lucky I had the opportunity to meet them, hear them out, and learn about history at such a young age specifically from those who'd experienced it themselves.

For years as a kid, I knew Nazis were awful. I felt horrible about being a huge part German growing up because of this. But when I learned my family's story, or what little of it that I know, I started to take pride. Pride in the fact that they actively went against oppression, and gave life to a legacy that continues today where, even though I'm just one person long descended from them, I have experienced all kinds of oppression myself, and met people whose experiences are parallel but distant from my own, and we've stuck together for our lives to fight oppression ourselves.

I've met folks from all walks of life. I've seen everyone who's gone through everything imaginable. I've gone through a lot of stuff myself, things I can barely speak of because they're horrifying to me. And it's because of this that I choose to do whatever it takes to help anyone and everyone find safety, happiness, and freedom.

My distant relatives did the same, and created a family with the hopes that they'd live better lives someday, as everyone who becomes a parent hopes. And thus, I fight for a future of the same desire: make it better for everyone. When you leave, make sure things are better than when you arrived.

Fuck Nazis. Fuck oppression. Fuck supremacy.

Fight for freedom. And, on that note, free Palestine. For the love of everything, free them. This is a more than a massacre, it's a genocide. I've been through massacres myself. This is far worse than that.

Keep taking action, keep protesting, keep fighting, keep flooding politicians with messages, keep donating to Palestinian organizations, keep hearing the voices of Palestinians because they're here and they will tell you what must be done to help them. Do not stop. Ever. The future depends on everyone together fighting for the safety and freedom of one another.

From the river to the sea. Free Palestine.

[jupiterwrites99]

You're On Your Own, Kid

Chapter Two

Stretching her limbs carefully, the young wolf tested her legs walking from the bed to the dresser. She was wobbly, but it would do. No pain shot up her leg like she had half expected it to, a good sign that her injury was gone. She felt like Princess Ariel, finding her land legs. 

Opening the door of the bedroom gently, trying not to make any noise, the many smells of the small home hit her all at once. Though the one in particular that she was looking for only lingered, as if he was here and then disappeared.

The panic then set in, her wolf telling her to get the hell out  now had her walking down the hallway into the next room. There sat three people at a round kitchen table, all staring at her.

Fuck.

Her eyes widened as the unknown man began to stand, raising his hand, palm up, “You’re okay. My name’s Sam--”

She looked around her, blocking out the man until her eyes landed on its target. Her exit.

The shewolf bolted out the open door, running as fast as her wobbly legs would take her.

This was so much easier with four legs.

Let me take over, the wolf whined.

No!

Stay human, stay human, stay human, she repeated over and over until she reached the end of the long driveway to the road.

Now what?

Left or right.

It doesn't really matter, she had nowhere to actually go but she couldn't go back.

 “You’re okay. We’re just trying to help you.” She heard the large, older man from the kitchen say from behind her. She jumped slightly at his booming voice, he must be the leader, she thought as she turned to look at him. She backed up the closer he got, now standing in the middle of the paved road. “Come back inside and we’ll give you something to eat.”

 Trap, repeated over and over in my mind. I don't see the man from earlier, or the girl. Only that man who saw me as a threat behind the leader. Sticking around was not an option she was considering, who knows what they do to their threats. “You must be starving.” The leader suggested with a slight smile.

A growl from behind her had Sage looking over her shoulder, a light brown wolf stood tall only a few feet away.  As if the wolf knew she was going to try to bolt again, he nudged her forward. She turned more and glared at it. A small growl leaving her own lips.

--

The young wolf caved much to her companions' warnings. She would just try again when they were all asleep, it’ll be much easier under the cover of dark anyways. She stood underneath a warm shower, the wife of the leader gave her everything she needed with a warm, friendly smile. Even fresh clothes. She had missed showering, the warmth of the water hitting her skin as melted away all the dirt and grime. Five years worth of dirt. Emily had even shown her how to use the TV, not that it had changed much. 

She liked Emily. She wasn’t treating her like a threat, if anything, she reminded her of her grandma.

Stepping out of the shower, she quickly dried herself off and brushed out her knotty hair before throwing back on the shirt she was given by the kind man in the woods. The one who had been able to help her with what she had been wishing for all those years. To be human again.

She sighed thinking about him, the flashes of memory hitting her hard as the wolf thought about him too. His damp hair, and beautiful mocha brown eyes. The way he looked at her with such concern and held her delicately.

Stop it. She argued with herself as she exited the bathroom, a waft of food hit her senses and she easily sought out the source. A sandwich sat on a plate on the wooden dresser. 

She nearly gagged at the smell.

Gross.

Climbing into the dishevelled bed she had previously woken up in, she covered herself with the warm blanket and turned on the tv the way Emily had shown her. Clicking random buttons until a channel with a familiar movie started playing.

Paul. The wolf whispered, reminding her of the man as she laid in his scented t shirt.

That was the man's name. She was cold without him. She had been so used to her furry self that the t-shirt he had placed her in wasn’t warm enough, little goosebumps littered her skin as she pulled her knees to her chest. She felt so exposed now that her wolf was at bay. Though it wasn’t far from her mind, the tiny whimpers it was whining in her mind was a gentle reminder of her only companion of the last five years.

Their chattering was soft, but not quiet enough for the young shifter as she listened to the different voices beyond the door of the room they kept her in.

“She looks quite familiar.” 

“Find out a name, will you?”

“She’s awake, and healed, but she won’t eat.”

“It’d be best coming from you. You’re the only one she’ll feel comfortable around right now.” 

A soft knock landed on the door and a hulking man entered. He wore no shirt, only a pair of cutoff jean shorts. As her eyes travelled up his body, taking him in, she recognized his eyes. 

Her wolf perked up at the sight of him, though she was still wary.

“Hey,” Paul said, his jaw hard set, “Sorry, I wasn’t here when you woke up.”

She stared at him and blinked, he looked a lot angrier than he had in the woods. Gone was the gentle tone he had used to coax her into shifting back, something she had been trying to do herself since the day she had phased.

He lets out a sigh, and looks from her to the dresser next to him. The plate of food the older man, Sam, had given her was left untouched. He grabs the plate from the dresser and brings it to her, sitting on the edge of the bed, “You need to eat.”

Looking at the plate he's placed in her lap and she crinkles her nose, it smells weird. The sandwich looked less than appetising. She pushed the plate away, biting her lip nervously as she turned her head towards the window. It was getting dark now.

“What, you don’t like ham?” Paul asked gruffly.

She shakes her head no.

He grabbed the plate and set it on the table beside the bed before standing up, “Alright, I think I know something you might like. I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Water.” She mumbled quietly. She didn’t want, nor need food, she wasn’t starving like Sam had assumed. She was, however, parched.

“What?” He asked a little too loudly. She doesn’t repeat herself, slightly startled by his reaction, “You need water?”

She nods fervently.

Paul’s intense gaze made her want to cower, why was he looking at her like that?

“I’ll be right back,” he muttered, making a quick exit from the room. She strained to listen to whatever, or whoever was outside of the room. But all she could hear was his footsteps. Maybe everyone else had left, she thought. It’ll be easier to escape if it were true.

It wasn't long before he walked back in with a glass of water and a large muffin.  Smells like blueberry. Shutting the door with foot, he asked, “How’s this? You like muffins?”

She takes the water first and chugs it, trying to soothe the roughness of her dry throat. She hadn’t had any water in a few days after she had been forced away from her particularly favourite water source.

“Woah, hey, slow down. You might make yourself sick.” Paul spoke with alarm, he took the glass from her hands. The glare she gave was purely instinctive, a small growl bubbling out of her throat. Sighing, Paul handed her the muffin, “Just try it. Then I’ll give the water back.”

She does what he says. Picking a chunk of the muffin top and putting it in her mouth. It’s soft and sweet. Nothing like what she had become accustomed to.  Satisfied with her eating the muffin, Paul grabs her untouched plate and sits in the comfy chair in the corner of the room, taking a bite out of the sandwich. “I’m Paul, by the way.” He mentioned, though she already knew that,  “You got a name?”

She nodded and eyed the door as loud laughing sounded from the other side of the door. So much for being alone.

“It’s just the pack. You’ll meet them tomorrow, if you’re up to it.” Paul spoke cautiously, “Can Sue come in? She would like to talk to you now that you’re..calmer.”

Her inner wolf growled at the thought, distrusting the woman who had locked her in the room against her wishes. Her eyes widened, and she began to shake her head and he quickly backtracked, asking her, “What if I stay?”

Her eyes flicker over his features, the concern from earlier evident in his eyes. He protected her before, she was confident he would again. She nodded slowly, not taking her eyes off of him even when Sue slipped in uninvited.

She couldn’t be bothered with what Sue had to say, something along the lines of her injuries, to the fact that everyone just wants to help.

Nobody ever wants to help without an ulterior motive. She knew that before she even phased into a wolf!

“You’ve healed quite well, but I think it’s going to be a bit difficult for you to get used to being on two legs for the next few days. Leah, my daughter, thinks you’ve been in wolf form for a little while. Is that true?” Sue’s maternal voice asked. Sage spared a glance at her at the mention of Leah, the girl with the clothes. This is her mom, she pieced together.

She nods in her direction.

Sue smiled warmly at her, before asking, “Is there anyone we can call for you?”

She blinked in response, looking down at her hands in her lap. No, there is no one to call. Everyone who would’ve even thought to look for her is either dead or a danger. She knew that much.

“A name?” Sue asked Paul specifically. He hadn’t taken his eyes off of her the entire time Sue had been in the room. Watching her carefully with an intense look on his face. Maybe he thinks I’ll hurt his friend's mom, the thought alone makes her grimace. 

“I’m working on it,” Paul grumbled in response.

Guilt began to dwell in her mind, all Paul was trying to do was help her, but she was being anything but help to him. 

Her inner wolf screamed to keep her name a secret, to not let these strangers in. We’ll be gone soon, she barked. But something about the way Paul sat in the cushiony chair, slumped and defeated, had her mumbling her name, “Sage.”

Both Sue and Pauls head’s snapped in her direction at the soft sound of her voice.

“Sage.” Paul breathed out, sitting up in his chair with a look of mesmerization. 

“Well, Sage, if there's anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask.” Sue spoke in her typical motherly tone, though the two wolves were inherently focused on each other that she took that as her cue to leave.

Relaxing her body against the headboard, Sage drew her arms into the sleeves of her shirt, wrapping her arms around her mid, the cool air of the unknown home beginning to be intolerable. She spends the next few moments taking in every detail of his face, while he still adorned the hard exterior, jaw locked in place causing his cheekbones to look more angular than they would when he was relaxed, Sage could see the softness in Paul’s eyes as he watched her.

“Cold?” Paul asked her gently, a slight tinge of confusion in his tone.

Nodding her head, he startles her when he abruptly stands walking to the chest of drawers at the foot of the bed as she watches with curious eyes. “I think I’ve got..” He begins to dig through the chest of drawers, “Here.”

Paul hands her the hoodie, and she quickly slips an arm out of her shirt to grab it from him. It smells like him. She nearly purs at the scent as she throws it on. As she does, he moves the chair next to the bed and just from him sitting next to her she already feels warmer. The heat from his body radiating off of him like a furnace. Sage has the urge to reach out and touch him, to really feel the heat as she had earlier. The thought alone confuses her, she shouldn’t be getting comfortable, she should be on guard. But she trusts him, her wolf trusts him. 

They watch the movie in silence, stealing glances at each other every now and then. Sage is quick to grow bored of the movie, she’s seen it before. Years ago when it first came out. It wasn’t good then, and it’s even worse now.

Talk to him, the wolf prodded.

No.

Yes!

“Paul?” she asked quietly, cringing at the sound of her own unfamiliar voice as she picked at her nail beds.

“Yeah?” He turned his attention fully on her now.

“Where am I?” Sage asked nervously. She wasn’t sure how far that vampire had chased her, her only goal had been to get away.

“La Push, Washington.” He answered quickly and almost proudly. Not far from home, she thought to herself.

She nodded. 

Paul watched her fidget in her spot,“Where are you from?”

She doesn't answer right away, before hesitantly saying, “Washington…North Bend.”

“We’ll get you back home soon.” Paul assured, though it sounded forced and through gritted teeth.

Home.

What does that even mean anymore? She doesn't respond to him, too in her own head to care.

“How old are you?” He  changed the subject as tension began to build in the small room.

Sage wanted to scream at the question.

Sixteen. 

No. Nineteen.

What year is it? Sixteen, the year grandma passed. It was summer. Five winters have passed.

Twenty one, maybe?

What month is it?

She doesn't answer, keeping her eyes on her hands, fidgeting as she wracked her brain for an answer. She looks as she did when she first phased, barely ageing a day like she was stuck in some kind of black hole of time.

He sighed and leans back in his chair; she knows he's watching her and not the movie still.

Do better! The wolf inside of her growled, keep his attention. You want it. Need it.

Panic is all she felt. 

She couldn’t answer his question, not yet anyways. So, she extended an olive branch. Sort of. Taking the glass of water, Sage held it out to him. 

How to make allies 101: share your resources.She had to learn that pretty quickly on her own.

Paul gingerly took it from her hands, watching her carefully. She gives him a small, genuine smile which he quickly returns and she goes back to watching her movie, hoping he’d do the same. 

He keptthe glass in his palm, only setting it down once she’s sunken into the bed, fast asleep.Exhaling the breath that he feels as though he had been holding since entering the room.

Taglist: @avis15

[hxrukii]

❝Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind❞, " Chapter 11: Une offense impardonnable" is out now!

Snippet:

After a brutal, one-sided fight with Deuce winning, the two Delinquents finally admitted defeat, not wanting to get beat up even more. "T-this guy's insane! That wasn't six hits, you liar!" Delinquent A said. 'Did he really think that Deuce would count every single punch he's given?' Yuu thought with a deadpan. "We needta get the fuck outta here! I beg all chickens for their forgiveness!" Delinquent B exclaimed while dragging his friend away. "You better be apologizin' a hundred times over the next time you eat eggs! Dumbasses!" Deuce yelled out. "Now, now. Calm down." Yuu said, patting him on the back. While Grim squeaked in fear.

After calming down from his adrenaline rush. Deuce seemed to have realized what he just done. "...Oh no!" He exclaimed in devastation. "What now?!" Grim exclaimed in surprise while Yuu asked. "Something wrong?" worriedly. "I-I screwed up... I vowed that I'd definitely be an honor student this time for sure...!" Deuce muttered in response. "Eeh?" Grim said in confusion, both him and Yuu tilting their head in confusion. "All I ever did in middle school was screw around... I constantly skipped school and spent all my time getting into fights. I disrespected all my teachers, hung around the more sketchy groups, and bleached my hair to death." Deuce started explaining. 'Backstory time.' Yuu thought to herself. "Even rode my Magical Wheel all over the place." He continued. 'I'm guessing it's a vehicle, so you'd probably need a license for that...' Yuu noted. "I was a terrible person that went as far as use magic to mock those who couldn't." Deuce said, finishing his backstory. "That's literally textbook delinquent! You don't see a ton of those nowadays." Grim said, after registering everything Deuce said, earning him a wack on the head from Yuu. "You're not really helping here y'know! Plus what would you know about textbook delinquents?" She said with a deadpan, before turning back towards Deuce. "Y'know Deuce, I would've never guessed that. But now that I think about it, that side of yours seemed to slip out sometimes." Yuu said, especially thinking about his sudden outburst at the Dwarf's Mine.

Deuce could only shake his head in dismay and continue on with his explanation. "Then, one night... I saw my mom hiding away in tears as she called my grandma." He started, gaze darkening. "Was they way I raised him wrong? Would it have been better if he had both parents?" He said, using his hands to form quote marks. "Even though none of it was her fault. Mom wasn't the problem here, it was all me!" He suddenly exclaimed in frustration. "So when the carriage came from a school as prestigious as Night Raven College, and I got to see my mom look so happy, I swore I would never make her cry again. This time, I'm going to be a diligent student my mom can be proud of." He said with resolve. "And then... I go and pull this... Shit!" He added in frustration, gaze darkening once more.

"But, y'know... does being a good student mean you have to grin and bear everything?" Grim said, suddenly sounding like a wise person surprising Yuu. "Huh?" Deuce said, in confusion. "I mean, just look at my henchman! He's what you would consider a 'good student' right? And yet when those two we're trying to pick a fight with us he didn't take any shit and kicked 'em square in the face!" Grim exclaimed proudly. "... Not one of my proudest moments that's for sure..." Yuu muttered sheepishly. "Plus, those delinquents deserved another ten punches if you ask me!" Grim then proceeded to say. "You fought them off before I could, though." He added regretfully. "Wow, I didn't know Grim had it in him to be wise." Yuu said playfully. "Hey! What's that supposed to mean, huh?!" Grim exclaimed in offense. "But, yeah, that's right!" Yuu said in agreement, ignoring Grim. "Just don't go too far with it, though." She added, a little less enthusiastic. "You guys..." Deuce said in shock, and a little touched.

"Even the most diligent students get mad, too. You have a right to your anger, and nobody should be telling you you shouldn't be, that it's not nice to be, and that something's wrong with you because you get angry." Yuu said, patting Deuce's back in reassurance. "As someone from my world once said, anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. And I personally that you were angry to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose." She added.

Deuce could only look at them in shock for a few minutes, before smiling softly. "Really?... Heh heh." He chuckles softly, before looking at the broken eggs. "May those baby chicks rest in peace." He said, not noticing Grim and Yuu exchanging look with each other while communicating via telepathy. 'Should we tell him' Yuu said. 'Probably yeah, he has to learn one day or another!' Grim replied. 'Who's going to break the new to him?' Yuu asked, gaining only a simple deadpan from Grim, Yuu immediately understood that she would be the one breaking the news to Deuce.

Taking a deep breath, Yuu started talking. "Um, Deuce? I've been wanting to say this, but, these eggs are unfertilized, they wouldn't have ever turned into chicks anyway." She said, Deuce stared at her in shock for a good few minutes. "Eeeeeeeehhhhhh!? You've gotta be kidding!?" Deuce exclaimed out loud, making both Yuu and Grim wince, while Yuu was also patting him on his back trying to comfort him.

---

Read the rest on ao3

[0xo]

that post about trying to break cycles by being nothing like ur abuser but actually failing to grow better behaviors... (tw lots of talk of suicide and death, mentions of abuse)

really hitting hard rn considering the death of my uncle who hated his (admittedly terrible) father but ended up perpetuating the same exact bullshit onto his wife and kids. and then died bc he couldn't face that fact. like when faced w divorce and the idea of losing his control over his family he... fucked off and died. (still don't have details on how, unsure if it was on purpose but. signs point to...) [AND PREFACING WITH: i do NOT think all people who die by suicide are cowardly or bad people or anything like that. i am talking about a very specific and complicated situation in my own family. please do not interpret this as me saying that all people who die by suicide were bad people/dodging responsibility/could've "worked harder to improve their situation." i know deeply that that is NOT the case, i have been personally impacted by suicide in other ways. i am just discussing one person and the circumstances around his death.]

and of course im sad, we were close once, he is family. ofc im sad he felt dying was better than trying to sort out his life or trying to be a good coparent. but the way he treated his (very sweet, very patient) wife was deeply unacceptable to me. he isolated her, and didn't properly care for his high-support needs autistic kids, and pinned it all on her. he was terrible to my mother and forced all my grandma's end of life care on my mother. he hurt us a lot with his behavior.

and like. i don't think he necessarily deserved to die bc of it, right? he had his own issues, he cut himself off too and refused help from everyone, these problems run in the family and he knew that and still wouldn't accept help. and you can't MAKE anyone accept help. but i can't help but think that if he'd, maybe, been open to the people who loved him, he could've... restructured. he was so smart, so clever, so creative! he could've done anything he wanted to, he was so good at anything he tried.

and yet. in trying to avoid being like his father. he ended up doing all the same things. and i think that was too much for him to handle. and i hate that, i hate that so much.

he leaves behind two brilliant, brilliant children - they're SO CLEVER. but he couldn't accept their support needs and didn't treat them well. they don't even know he's dead yet, i don't think. but they love him, and he saw them as manipulative and trying to intentionally ruin his life. they're small children. they haven't even developed the capability to manipulate yet, they just want some chocolate milk, right? and yet he compared those kids to his father.

it just hurts. this wasn't necessary. my poor fucking mum is now an orphan with two dead siblings. how is she meant to deal with all this? how is she supposed to reconcile the grief of his needless death with the absolutely shit way he treated her and their mother?

luckily we love his widow very much and we will make sure she and the kids are okay. but i truly don't understand anything. it just sucks balls to watch someone ruin their own life and leave a giant fucked up mess behind. and then everyone's saying sorry and apologizing for my loss, like i didn't lose him years ago, like we were still close, like i'm not angry with the way he treated the people around him. we grew up like siblings. but that connection was basically severed when he started acting like a jackass. i don't know how to respond to people trying to comfort me. they all assume i'm really really sad, and i am, but i'm also pissed off, and i don't think anyone knows what to do with that.

because you're not supposed to be pissed at someone for dying, especially if it's probably suicide, you're meant to be tragically sad. you're not supposed to say they were wrong, you're supposed to apologize for being wrong and not seeing the signs earlier, you're supposed to be sorry. and you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, even if they were fucking complicated, you're meant to shove all those negative emotions aside to grieve the good of them.

and i do grieve the good of him! i grieve the family member he could've been if he had actually broken cycles! but i'm fucking angry. you don't get to treat everyone around you like shit and then kill yourself to get out of being remembered as an asshole. it doesn't work like that. you're still an asshole, now you're just dead and can't take responsibility for fucking up people's lives. i'm sorry he felt that was the best way out. AND good god, he was a grown man with every opportunity to improve himself. and he chose to stagnate and be fucking mean. dying in a shit way doesn't erase that.

and like, listen, i understand that people are complicated. i don't think everyone who dies by suicide is an asshole. MOST people who do were genuinely failed by the people and systems around them, they weren't bad people, they were in bad situations. they didn't have help or a way out. it's not inherently selfish or evil, it's fucking devastatingly sad.

and mental illness is complicated and hard. like. hm. i don't think it's his fault he was fucked up, it runs heavy in our family, he was traumatized too. but. he talked so much about growing past that and then just... didn't. he had support, he had a good therapist, he talked the talk. and didn't walk the walk AT ALL. he treated people like dirt. and i understand that certain illness our family is prone to, they make it extremely hard to get or accept help, okay? i get that. i really do. but you can't just fall back on mental illness and trauma as an excuse for financially/emotionally abusing your wife and neglecting-to-the-point-of-abusing your children. it wasn't okay when his dad did it and it's not okay that he did it. and what makes it worse is that he was so aware of how fucked up his childhood made him, and self-aware enough to superficially recognize his own faults, but not enough to change how he interacted with people. why must these cycles continue! why!

i'm so angry and so sad. i don't even know my cousins well because he was so ashamed of how poorly he treated them that he cut us off from them. he hated my mum and so held me at arm's length to avoid interacting with her in any capacity. they're sweet kids...

anyways. sorry. im just so so so so so so so so so tired of death in my family and abuse cycles. im so tired in general and these giant unnameable unfathomable emotions don't help. i feel like the suicide element makes it even harder to talk about, because i sound like an absolute cunt for saying any of this to people who don't know the situation. nothing about it is simple. nothing about it is easy. i don't know what to do anymore at all tbh!!!!!!

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Trimax Thoughts Vol. 1 Pt. 1

I'm late to this because I couldn't think of what to say other than my little joke posts. This is just more sporadic commentary as a result because I'm saving some of my thoughts for when I have more information later on.

One of my favourite panels so far fr. Please Mr. Nightow what dumb shenanigans did these two get into on the regular. Please tell me. Eriks and Lina are my new favourite comedy duo. (You know. Before bad things happen. As per usual.)

Ok so some thoughts on Vash awkwardly insisting that Lina overreacted - she didn't. Self-defense is valid and Lina was well-within her rights to kick that creep in the face, but Vash is now even more passive than he was in his attempts to mitigate violence and tragedy - he's not just throwing away his own pride and dignity, he's fumbling through expecting others to do the same, which he didn't used to do btw - which, unfortunately, makes sense. He's hidden himself away and is terrified of himself - he wants so badly to avoid being the cause of or seeing any more pain inflicted on people. But here's the thing - extreme passivity can also be harmful. There are some things you should get angry at and should respond defensively to. It reminds me a little of that part in Little Arcadia where Meryl is upset with herself for not responding with the same righteous anger towards Badwick pointing a gun at his parents the way Milly did. Unaffectedness can become uncaringness if one walls oneself off from becoming defensive of that which is important to them (tbh I think Meryl was being too harsh on herself in that scene - but it's important to note that she writes the letter to her parents after, and responds more openly and honestly in future chapters). Meryl also realizes in that arc that she can choose a path for herself that doesn't necessarily have to be in perfect keeping with her parents' - they will live through her regardless - but Vash here doubles down on his original philosophy and takes it to extremes instead. I'm finding it really intriguing that Meryl appears to be learning similar lessons to the ones Vash should be, but much earlier than he does (if he will, which I hope he will). I think that might be because they have similar ideals at their cores.

Also, lol at Wolfwood seeing the footprint she left on the guy's face and just being like "nice, kid".

I hate this. I hate this. Can he quit having his reputation be thrown back in his face for five minutes? How much must it hurt him that despite him only ever wanting to help, the image most everyone has of him is this caricature of a villain who is violent and cruel and belittling and demeaning, or else, the whispers of some calamitous being on a power scale incomprehensible to humanity, like some sort of bogeyman? And then to have him reveal all his scars in such an incredibly humiliating way - and to have that be the moment we, as the readers, have definite proof that this man is, in fact, Vash. This impostor went the extra mile to look exactly like the "humanoid typhoon" but it's those scars that are the genuine reveal of Vash's true character. He's just a guy. Yes, he's capable of being dangerous, yes, he's pretty much a living weapon of mass destruction, but he is also kind and self-sacrificing to a fault and chooses this kindness every day. He is literally just a guy. I need people to be fucking nice to him. Leave him alone.

Wolfwood already being defensive of Vash counter: 1

Grandma Sheryl really said "Get my gun." Whhfsdjhfvh

I'm realizing that when Wolfwood unclasps Punisher here, this is... the first time Vash has actually seen that it is. A giant gun. This is the first time the reader would have seen this. Hjhnsdjhvn???

The hair cutting scene hurts me so bad man. I've seen a couple people break down that scene so I won't do that here but hnnng. I love that Lina so clearly cares about him. That she wanted to keep him safe too. And even though she doesn't feel like she could do enough it meant the world to him. Augh. Aughhhh.

Meryl's birthday is in February!!! This is important information.

Ah yes, Trimax Chapter 3, or, as I like to call it, "Area Insurance Girls Destroy Workplace Asshole's Entire Career by Hitting Him With Proof that He Is a Hitman Committing Murder and Fraud, Then Hitting Him in the Back with a Projectile from a Stun Gun". (Meryl and Milly I love you and I love your teamwork. Girls <3. Again, someone broke down the whole part with Meryl here so I won't get into it.)

Wolfwood already being defensive of Vash counter: 2

Wolfwood already being defensive of Vash counter: 3 (also holy shit dude???)

(For clarity, this counter I'm keeping is because it makes me laugh - I have a sneaking suspicion I know why he's there from Tristamp - which makes the fact that he reacts like this after like. What? A few days of knowing him? - really, really funny to me. Also I'm writing up a little something I noticed about Wolfwood, and this is a bit relevant, so there's that too. But mostly it's just funny.)

Geez, Knives looks demonic in the flashbacks. It's very intriguing how he's mostly faceless. I would imagine it's some complex mix of not recognizing his brother after what he's done, not recognizing him as his brother after what he's done, and not wanting to see his twin's face (which looks like his face) staring back at him as some kind of monster. I also have to wonder if Vash is a little scared of Knives, especially after July and Fifth Moon. Also, the way Knives tries to help Vash up because they're "brothers", hence, the same, but when Vash angrily accuses Knives of not being human, Knives kicks him back down while shouting about that he wouldn't want to be like them ever. Really I think this kind of highlights the dynamic in a nutshell. Vash fears harming others more than he does about his loneliness. Knives fears being all alone, I think, and is willing to commit harmful acts to assure he won't be - Vash often winds up hurt by this. Knives doesn't. It also emphasizes how Knives' offer of sticking together is contingent on Vash being agreeable, which is. Yikes bud.

Hm. Wolfwood starts calling him "Needle-Noggin" here. He was calling him Vash before. Interesting.

Brad stfu challenge. Don't be mean to him I'll be sad :(

What is wrong with him. See, Vash is exaggerating his weirdness for the bit and also to hide intense internal turmoil. Wolfwood is clearly trying to get a better vantage to see what's happening here but, unfortunately, I also think he is just like that.

I find it very interesting that Wolfwood finds it so important to finish that particular conversation with Vash, that he even went to go find him earlier to do so. It seems he was under the impression that Vash's stance is one of passivity, but that's not true at all - Vash's whole thing is that he is actually incredibly, notoriously bad at "doing nothing". Isn't it Wolfwood who was the one who wanted to leave here? But he has a point that sometimes you have to make difficult choices. Hm...

Vash just went full chaos entity for this one, huh?

"Wow, it's great that the bullets didn't pierce through and that the equipment works!" he says as he coughs up blood from the force of being hit. :/

This is a very tricky situation, morally speaking, at the end. Vash actually seems to understand the father's reaction here. But if the man shoots his daughter's murderer then it's not just the murderer who loses his "blank ticket" - so does the father. The way the screams of the murderer look like they're encroaching and pressing in on Vash... agh. And then when he goes for the gun, the father thinks Vash is judging him but I really don't think that's it at all. I don't think Vash faults the father for his anger - he understands the cruel death of a family member and the anger that comes with it. He lets the father beat him up instead and release aggression that way, which is a very... Vash way of dealing with it. It worked this time but... that's only because the father turned out to be unable to kill him after all. Vash didn't seem like he really knew what to do here, or even what the right thing to do was. He reacted on instinct. I feel this was less bravery and self-sacrificial pacifism than it was an incredibly vulnerable moment and an apology, in a way. He can't allow himself to let people die when there's something he can do, or to have them throw their futures away. But he is also sorry in a way, not for the act of intervening, but because he knows the father is hurting badly. Idk.

This is interesting, because I think it's right, but not completely. It's less that they are all his family, and more that he has taken up what he kind of sees as the family mantle (Rem's) of saving all the people she saved during the Fall, which is, unfortunately, everyone. Poor Vash, honestly. It's hardly sustainable, and even if it was, it assures that he will always be wrapped up in torment.

I just know Vash intentionally calls Wolfwood out in a really annoying sing-songy voice every time he does something nice just to embarrass him. Hjhdfnvjh

Anyways, that's all for that; until the next volume -

WHAT THE FUCK?

[evalolxo]

Fiction Turned Reality

Randy Orton x OC

Part 3

summary - two wrestlers get put in a storyline and it quickly becomes real.

warnings - gets a bit far fetched, this chapter is setting up smut teehee, #emotional

word count - 1.2k

kat's pov

13 years old

"he's going to be okay darling" my grandmother told me holding onto my hand with her own frail one.

my dad had been shot in the stomach by my own mother when she came home high on some class A drug.

he was now being operated on and i was waiting with my grandmother, she was the only person i had left.

the doctor came through the door and i looked up hopefully at him as he approached us.

"your son didn't make it, i'm sorry" he told mt grandmother and she let out a small gasp and i looked to the floor, i heard my grandmother start to cry and i looked up at her.

"grandma" i mumbled and she gripped my hand as hard as her weak one could which brought tears to my eyes.

i knew from that point i needed to put my own grief aside and help her with hers.

14 years old

"grandma, wake up you need to take your pills" i told her shaking her slightly, she made no movement at all and i furrowed my eyebrows.

"grandma?" i asked and soon noticed none of her body was moving, like she wasn't even breathing, i started to panic.

"grandma get up! you need to take your meds!" i shouted now shaking her more vigorously but no movement or reaction.

time skip

"these are your new foster father kat" the care lady told me and i looked up to see a very muscly man who was very tall and large, at 14 years old that's extremely scary.

"hi" i mumbled scratching my arm refusing to look up and he got on his knees in front of me, he was still very tall.

"hi i'm mark calaway, it's lovely to meet you" he spoke, his voice wasn't soft but it wasn't threatening either, he also had a very unique face.

14 1/2 years old

"please give me more time with her" i heard my foster father beg the care lady in the next room and i looked around at the posters that filled my temporary room.

i promised myself not to get attached as i knew i'd be leaving soon but i couldn't help it.

i was taken from mark that day and put through various foster systems all failing and as soon as i turned 18 they threw me out and i had to get a dead end job to survive, that's when i started training to be a wrestler again.

mark had gotten me into wrestling and showed me some moves while lightly training me, he never told me that his profession except he was in the sports industry.

present

we all turned to see the undertaker standing there and i furrowed my eyebrows, seeing him in person, he felt kind of familiar.

"she's just brillaint isn't she taker?" triple H joked ruffling my hair but i was more concentrated on trying to remember where i knew this guy from except from TV.

"let it sink in" the undertaker smiled at me and i instantly reconigsed the smile from when he kneeled in front of me when i was 14 years old 8 years ago.

"oh my god! mark!" i smiled brightly and attacked him with a hug with he instantly returned and he chuckled, everyone looked shocked and confused at what was happening.

"what the actual fuck?!" i laughed as we pulled away from the hug and he pointed at me with a look making me shut my mouth instantly but he just smiled again and hugged me once again to which i returned.

"what have i told you about swearing" mark told me and i nodded still smiling brightly.

"fuck it's been 8 years" i mumbled and mark sighed at the fact i had sworn again straight after.

"you were never one to listen" he joked and this made everyone even more shocked that the undertaker had made a joke.

"what's happening?" triple H asked which made me turn to him and i felt obligated to explain after seeing randy's confused expression.

"when i was 14 i was in the foster care system and mark had me for 6 months and got me into wrestling, you liar you're a wrestler!" i explained but then realized that was mark's job and he shook his head.

"i did say i was in the sports business so i didn't lie" he stated making me roll my eyes playfully.

"this is insane, so the undertaker was your dad for 6 months?" randy asked and i nodded smiling brightly, for some reason randy then had a small smile on his face.

time skip

i sat in my hotel room alone eating a bag of crisps in my spiderman onsie then heard someone knock on the door.

i furrowed my eyebrows before making my way to the door and opening it to see randy.

"come in" i told him and he smiled down at my appearance.

"why are you here might i ask?" i asked him smiling at he pulled the hood of my onsie over my face while laughing making me push him jokingly while laughing.

"i was bored and thought i'd come hang out, problem?" he asked smirking and i rolled my eyes before going back to the couch and motioning him to come sit beside me.

we sat an awkward distance apart but i decided to be bold and lay my head on his lap still looking at the movie as my legs hung over the couch arm rest.

in this process my hood had fell down and randy hesitantly started running his fingers through my hair making me look up at him.

as his long fingers softly ran through the threads of my hair i felt myself relaxing into his touch snd closing my eyes.

"you're so beautiful" randy whispered making my eyes shoot open and look at him, he had inches closer and was hovering above me, i felt myself gulp at the closeness.

"and you too" i whispered back and instantly cursed myself making him chuckle quietly that i could feel on my lips due to how close we were.

my eyes subconsciously looked down to his lips as i licked my own subtly and i looked back up at his eyes that were already boring into mine.

he leaned closer and i lifted my head slightly causing our lips to connect and his hand slowly made its way to the back of my neck to support my neck as our lips slowly got used to each other.

my hands made there way up to his cheeks and i slowly started to sit up, neither of us breaking the intimate kiss.

i was now sat on my legs next to him and suddenly one his hands were underneath my thigh as he carefully lifted it positioning it on the other side of him and i got the message and positioned myself to be straddling him without sitting on his lap.

my hair was covering the view of the side of his face as i was fully above him and his hands settled on my hips as mine still carefully rested on his cheeks.

i pulled away and we both opened our eyes but it was dark due to my hair blocking out the light but i could still see his clear blue eyes.

[anthropwashere]

I've gotten two letters from my mom since my aunt died last month and they've both been just. So, so aggressively manipulative. Y'all can skip this post. I'm not looking for sympathy likes/replies. I just need a good rant and sometimes it does pay to yell into the Tumblr void.

Still—still!—she insists I have never told her why I refuse to speak to her anymore. She has the receipts on this, going all the way back over a decade ago to my early 20s when I conceded to communicate to her solely through e-mails. That avenue of communication ended with me blocking her pretty much everywhere online after she called me a sociopathic bitch on a public platform family, friends, and coworkers followed me on. Very cool of her, very mature.

(If memory serves she was arrested shortly thereafter. Pity it wasn't for something more serious than, jeez, I can't be assed to remember. Something to do with her driver's license? I know she asked me for a couple grand about it and cussed me out when I told her my baby Airman ass literally did not have the money even if I were inclined to help her.)

Every single letter she sends me includes a brief tangent about how she's been watching YouTube videos about estranged families (both sides! she always includes the both sides!). She always says she wants to understand but she can't because I've never told her why I refuse to talk to her anymore.

How many phonecalls, how many HOURS, have I wasted crying in rage and despair as I try to tell her all the ways she hurt me, physically and emotionally and mentally, before I realized she'd never accept it? That she would always, always try to gaslight me like this? That she'd give me that guileless, wide-eyed and furrowed brow anxious stare and that high, plaintive goddamn voice. That she'd convince me time and time and time and time again that maybe, maybe I'm overreacting?

This most recent letter was a real treat. She went out of her way to say she wasn't trying to guilt trip me, really, but she's JUST lost both her sisters AND her parents in the last year and she's terrified she might die soon next so WHY won't her ONLY DAUGHTER just TALK to her? 😭

So, firstly. I can only speak for myself and my interpretations of what my extended family will feel, but I'm pretty goddamn sure we're all gonna CHEER when she finally fucking kicks the bucket. Ain't nobody gonna miss her when she croaks. Even if her sisters outlived her that'd be the same. My only complaint when she does die is that I'm gonna insist on paying for all of the funerary expenses because she's already leeched too goddamn much from the rest of the family. No way is anyone gonna pay for her bullshit one last time, even if that means paying folks back with interest after I fly back to California. And you can be sure I'm gonna go out of my way to take the cheapest route possible at every opportunity out of spite. This woman doesn't deserve better than the bare minimum. That's all she's ever given everyone else after all.

Secondly, I will concede the fact that yes, she's lost both her sisters in the last year, not even a full year apart from each other. And that sucks! It's extremely fucking sad! My aunts raised me as much as she did, and they both sure as hell paid for more of my childhood needs than she ever did. I was able to afford to go to my younger aunt's funeral last year, but even with the surprise disability backpay I got this year I've been dealing with a lot of owning-a-100+-year-old house expenses (such as replacing the entire goddamn original roof) this year, so I genuinely couldn't make the trip for my older aunt's funeral. Two family members offered to pay for my flight and I just couldn't accept that kindness because I grew up watching my mom take and take and take and take from the family.

THIRDLY HOWEVER.

Her mom, my maternal grandma, died TWENTY YEARS AGO. Her dad, my maternal grandpa, died THIRTY YEARS AGO. And she hated her parents! She fucking loathed them! I spent more of my childhood being her psychologist instead of her goddamn child; ALL I HEARD ABOUT was how much she hated and resented her parents. This is THE first time I've heard her trot them out since I lived with her back in the 00s, and it might damn well be the first halfway-positive mention of them since long before that? This is so transparent an act I can't help but be insulted that she'd think I'd take the bait? Using the LITERAL DEATHS of others to try to goad me into talking to her?

Like. Jesus. Last year at my younger aunt's funeral just about every single member of the California-centric family pulled me aside to ask if my mom was being too much. My aunt's CHILDREN, damn near non-functional with grief, asked if I needed help handling my mom. And there were a couple occasions where I damn near admitted yeah! She's being too much! She won't stop fucking touching me! She won't stop making her sister's death about herself! And here she is, a year later, doing the same goddamn thing again with her other sister's death!

She's a manipulative, gaslighting abuser who refuses to grow up and accept responsibility and/or repercussions for her actions despite being in her late-60s. She gleefully twists the knife into whoever she can get her hands on and acts SO distraught and SO betrayed when people find fault with her actions and behavior. I don't know a single person who knows her to like her anymore once she's shown her true colors, and somehow she's still convinced she isn't the problem.

What a waste. What a fucking waste.

[caxycreations]

Nowhere Else to Put This

WARNING: VENT, STRONG LANGUAGE

I don't know where to start or where to end

so fuck it

just

gonna go.

I have no job. I've tried, before, several times. Worked at a cotton gin when I was 16, got fired 3 hours in because my supervisor kept telling me to sit down and watch how to do the work, and the manager kept coming by RIGHT as I was sitting back watching. So I got fired 3hrs in for "not doing anything besides watching a man four times my age do ten times my work".

Worked at a burger stand after that, lost that job when they closed down a week later. Unemployed for years after that, then mom talked to her boss and managed to get me a job working in-home care, specifically for my grandmother, who was a client of the company. That was great. $11.50 an hour to keep my grandmas place clean, hang out and chat with her, and run errands? I was already doing that, so all that changed was that now I got paid for it.

Eventually snagged a second job, remodel work for the local walmart, and wound up quitting because it felt so fucking pointless. Two of the managers insisted that the local workers could be dropped because this walmart was so small they could do the work with a third of the team in half the time, and made sure to remind the local workers (aka me, mom, my cousin, and my friend, along with 6-7 others out of the 30-man team) that we were completely expendable, and entirely unwanted.

So I quit that job, focused entirely on the in-home care job for a while longer.

And then I moved. Stupid, idiotic, worthless idea. I moved away to live with my boyfriend in Oklahoma, who promptly dumped me two goddamn weeks after I moved, revealing he only wanted me out there to "save me from that dead-end town", and he had actually been thinking of breaking up with me for a month or more, but wanted to "save me" first.

I wind up there for six months, applying everywhere I can, trapped in his house because nobody will hire me and I can't leave on my own because my anxiety prevents me from driving. Finally, my Dad saves the day, finding out what happened and driving for a day solid to get there and bring me back home.

And I still couldn't land a job. A town where everyone knew me, everyone knew my dad, his word could get ANYONE a job there

Anyone but me. Because everyone heard about the gin situation, and saw me as lazy, all because one person several years ago told me to sit down and watch, and another person misread the situation, and the first never stood up for me.

Now I live with Mom. I'm 25, I've lived on my own multiple times in the past, and moved away once before, and I still wound up back here.

I have problems. I have undiagnosed autism (literally proven, tested and proven, but I pissed off the guy who handled my test and he said he would not diagnose "such a smart-mouthed kid" (context: he wanted me to make a story using random bits and bobs from a plastic bag, and I got frustrated after the sixth time of explaining to him that being put on the spot was making it impossible)

I have diagnosed anxiety (been on anti-depressants, relaxants, and even had a doctor outright TELL me that I should get a support animal to help manage it)

There are things I absolutely can not do on my own. I can't drive. I can't deal with the general public in person. I can't even manage to say hi to a stranger.

And it fucking HURTS.

I need to see a dentist, I need to see a doctor, I need to be re-tested for autism by someone who actually fucking cares so I can get that diagnosis on paper instead of people looking at me like an asshole for saying I'm autistic without documentation.

And the only person who can help me do so is my mom, who consistently neglects both myself AND my little brother, because she can't be bothered to deal with any kind of inconvenience to her desire to sit in bed all day and play Spades on her phone, or to go mow the lawn for the 400th time this week just so she can tell us to do everything because "i've been outside all day".

I try to do what I can, I try to earn what I can. But it doesn't fucking work. I try to stream, and so many people say "oh advertise more, you'll be seen by more people" but that's bullshit. I'm lucky to get one new follower in six months. I've got an internet following 700-people strong across all my platforms, and over 100 of them on my Twitch, and I still struggle to get so much as 6 people viewing on a stream at any given time.

But twitch isn't everything, I also do art commissions, writing commissions, and once-upon-a-time did VRChat Avatar commissions!

I stopped doing Art comms because I'd charge $30 for the same thing others were charging $70-$100 for, and I barely got any interest, and the interest I did get, people would ask me for so much more than I was capable of. So I dropped it to just headshots. Five bucks or less depending on the quality asked of me, and it STILL doesn't get me anything.

Writing comms? I've gotten ONE writing comm request in the 7 years I've been offering them, and you wanna know what it was? Some fuckin weirdo asking for, of all things, an NSFW PAW PATROL FIC. I'm sorry, my moral compass might be grey half the time but even on my most morally defunct day I wouldn't write that for any amount of money.

avatar comms? I was actually half good at! Got a few people ordering from me, and it was good money cause I could land $60-$70 comms that took like 2-3 days to do. But then I lost access to the popular model, and people stopped wanting the work, and the few that still did wanted me to do things with models I physically could not do. One client had an asymmetrically patterned oc and INSISTED on using the Terris Wolf, which btw, is LOCKED as a symmetrical texture. The texture wrap is literally just one half of the model, mirrored onto the other half, and the only way to fix that would be to fully unwrap the model in Blender and make a whole new custom texture, WHICH I CAN'T DO because every time I open Blender I get an actual physical headache looking at it. So I stopped because people kept asking me for things I couldn't do, even things that were in my ToS as "Cannot/Will Not Do".

I have no work. I have no income besides the pathetic $50-$60 I make every 3-4 months from streaming.

And when I vent about this, so many people say "I wish I could help you, but I'm going through so-and-so"

I don't want a handout! I accept tips and donations sure, but it's because I can't fucking afford to turn them down! Do you think if I had any reasonable income I'd be asking people to give me money for nothing besides the goodwill of helping me? NO! Because I don't want to be a charity case!

I have a very, VERY capable mind, and very capable hands, and a willingness to learn whatever skill or skills I need to in order to do a job. The problem is I can't work public jobs, I need something that doesn't require driving, and all the work-from-home stuff is either "work hard and one day you might make minimum wage if you're lucky!" or "requires X years experience, bachelor's or greater degree in X field, and must hold X certification"

There are "entry-level" DATA ENTRY jobs that demand certifications! Can you believe that??? Certified, for what? Pushing fuckin buttons? Data entry isn't that fuckin complicated.

I just

I want to earn income.

I hate being given something for nothing. I hate feeling like I owe people, or like the only reason I have something is because someone else decided I was worth it.

I'm worth it to me, I want to buy myself things, I want to be able to afford replacements and repairs when things break or wear down, I want to be able to pay for my own groceries, I want to be able to buy my own clothes, and I want to earn the money used to do so.

I hate feeling so fucking useless, so hopeless. I've spent YEARS improving the few marketable skills I do have, and it's led to a state of living where I can't even afford to buy groceries without asking my boyfriend to pay for them, and I fucking hate it. It's not his responsibility to provide for me, it's mine, and I'm tired of relying on everyone around me for the most basic shit.

Sorry to spill this here. Nowhere else fucking cares and the people I normally vent to have heard this all before and I don't want to bother them with it.