#fucking vegemite ass

[witheredtoashes]

The Mind of Reggie Might

fucking hell I got dragged into a new interest so here's my analysis

Basically, I was watching simo's most recent stream, and I noticed some things behind how he talks to Billy

I know.. a decent amount of Reggie's behavior and character from a friend, but this is also like my second stream I've watched so bear with me LMAO

Here we go

He’s challenging and pushing Billy by saying he’s incapable. Reggie works off of spite, he’s trying to do the same with Billy

“So why do you think if I give you this chance- that I don’t have some kind of faith you can pull it off.” Hes saying to Billy "You can do this, I know you can, but you need to show me you can, and you’re not."

Let's be honest, this entire project of Billy's is a challenge. Reggie/Simo has said it himself, Reggie is making this a challenge for Billy so he can go to the rest of the company and tell them that Billy is capable, and can handle more responsibility. He knows Billy is capable, but this is going to be tangible PROOF of that. It can't be argued.

Hes asking Billy why he isn’t like “fuck yeah, I can do this, this is what I need to do”, and that's his way of telling him about the challenge.

“Prove them wrong” Reggie knows he’s capable and smarter than this, but using the excuse and view of others to say that LMAO. Cause reggie will never say to Billy that he's doing good or capable, cause it gives the illusion that he WONT drop him if he fucks up. It makes Billy think he's safe and can fuck around, when he can't. He's not at that level yet. Again, Simo has SAID that reggie will never tell him he's doing good.

“Sink or swim” Part of the challenge is figuring out what he needs to succeed. If he needs a Billy, he needs to find and get one himself. Basically, no shit this is a lot of work and you’ll need help with it, but YOU need to source and find that help yourself to get it done.

Recognize the issue (needing help) and solve it (getting help) instead of relying on others to do it for you.

Its another part of the test, making sure he can problem solve and be self sufficient, and thrive when no one else will help him. Hes making him figure out how to get help himself.

Billy can use spite to work, and reggie saw that, so he’s using spite again to push Billy to figure it out. Even if it didn’t work out great the first time, cause Billy was thinking more out of spite and less “okay, this is what I need to do this right”. Hence the shitty Billy that didn’t help him- he needs to find people, or find out how, to command others and get them to work. Not just because he was told to, because then he’ll get shitty parts and it won’t do any good. He needs to think, then get the good pieces so he can make the entire machine run better.

Find the right people, the right pieces, to get the job done right.

Reggie is SMART, this is meant to teach Billy a shit ton of how to make it in this world.

He’s pushing his head underwater so Billy is forced to find a more efficient way to swim.

Billy can’t just do the task, he needs to find a way to do it EFFICIENTLY and make it better in the end. So, he gives him a super hard task so he HAS to find a better way, and it’s a skill he’ll learn to use in the future. He’s forcing him to learn these skills, because if Billy can’t, then he doesn’t have the resourcefulness or ability to adapt and address things in a smart way, and he’s not cut out for this.

It’s a trial by fire, and he wants to see him come out fireproof. He knows he can.

He's TRYING to tell him how to do it, he's hinting at it and practically telling him, but Billy doesn't get the point

Billy saying hes dissapointed in reggie and how he should have been handling this better is HILARIOUS, because its exactly what reggie is thinking and should be telling HIM. Reggie is dissapointed, because Billy should have handled this better.

"Youre not a project manager" he's telling reggie everything he should be telling himself. Reggie doesn't give a SHIT about what Billy is saying because he knows he can do it. BILLY still needs to prove he can.

Reggie doesn't need a title or validation, and Billy needs to learn that too. Billy looks for too much help, he looks too much at others, he needs to know how to do it HIMSELF. Like, how reggie gets it done.

Reggie works with tough love. He wants to see people succeed, he wants to help them, but if he just helps them, they'll never learn to take care of themselves. Only those that have proven themselves (like KJ) as people he can trust and that can handle themselves, he'll help freely.

So, he forces them to learn. He cares, but he forces them to learn themselves, and that's how he shows that care. By helping them get better. Otherwise, he won't spare them a second glance, because they aren't worth his time.

"Just say 'I've fucking got this, you dipshit." Reggie is TELLING him he can do it, but Billy needs to believe he can do it, then suit up and do whatever has to be done to GET it done. Whether that's putting the plants on hold to find a Billy of his own, or make a better spreadsheet.

Meanwhile, reggie can't resist a puzzle and got sucked into figuring out the plants himself. Which, the slow tiptoeing around the edge until he falls onto the rabbit hole was ALMOST as funny as his descent into madness towards the end of stream.

Thats all. Simo, if you see this, tell me how I did describing a character "more complex than you"

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

south africa but i've never been there also i'm drinking

HELLO MAGGOTS this is the good omens mascot here hello hello. my psychiatrist just spent today telling me how I won't be able to be out in college when it starts in May and I'll be misgendered etc etc it's all a good time. So my solution:

My darling cousin @imchronicallyonlinesowhat (the one who thought Sir Terry Pratchett looked like Sudha Murthy, was a kindly old woman and was married to Neil Gaiman because their book cover fonts were similar, OG maggots know the PAIN) who lives in South Africa asked me to make a South Africa post. FYI, she's moving to Australia for college, so you can be assured I shared my Australia posts with her she is SO prepared she won't say marmite instead of vegemite and she knows the Wibbles are inherently sexual. SOUTH AFRICA (I've only had a teeny weeny bit of cheap ass wine so far):

There a lot of white people there it's ineffable. There are enough of them there that my cousin regularly talks about not ever marrying someone who doesn't have some masala.

Afrikaans is a gorgeous language. I thought my cousin was showing me her Afrikaans notes once. She wasn't. It was her English notes, she just has the most illegible yet neat handwriting in the world.

They don't say yo but they say YOH and it sounds very much like a bass drum.

People at my cousin's school pump their hands in the air while saying jesus-jesus.

There's a trio of white boys that rule the school kind of like a genderswapped mean girls. They all look the same haircut-wise, they're Catholic and they're called the Triumvirate.

I'm realising here that my knowledge of South Africa is limited to cuzzy's school. But the wine is shit and I promised my blood-relative so I am continuing.

The books are fucking expensive and so everyone has to pirate shit. This sounds like the US.

Everyone is TALL. Like VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY TALL. The standard of height is insanely different from India. TALL.

If you don't have a last name you're going to get into legal trouble.

The no hat no play rule applies here as well as Australia apparently.

The wine cost like 2.5 dollars in USD if my conversion rates are correct, it smells like battery acid and tastes of rotted grapes. Nothing to do with South Africa, it's just that I cannot remember a single other thing about South Africa other than it's a country in Africa that's presumably in the South.

My braincells are already frying. For my cousin's sake, I'm going to compile all my Australia posts here so that she knows what to expect! Australian maggots your continent is about to be graced with the Good Omens Mascot bloodline. Notably the one with the Sudha Murthy fuck up so that's doubly fun. @howmanyholesinswisscheese, @im-a-sentient-magic-carpet, @madfangirlontheloose @obsessed-sketches @drconstellation and any other Aussie maggots be prepared and welcome her.

Toot Toot Chugga Chugga by the Wiggles is an Ineffable Husbands Song

Deaths in Australia in 2015, an ask

VEGEMITE IS NOT MARMITE, another passionate ask

Pt I Australia but I've never been there

Pt II Australia but I've never been there

Oh I hate cheap wine. @imchronicallyonlinesowhat I hope you appreciate this, blood of mine. I'm such a great cousin.

[jaxthejester]

i’d love some ianthony hurt/comfort fics where one of them gets hurt or injured by someone on set and the other gets all caring and protective!! bonus points for including the other smosh cast members too hehe thanks so much!!

im not a huge ianthony fan, but i tried! sorry its short 😭

Ianthony- A Big, Big Mess on Our Hands Tonight

-

"So, Eat It or Yeet It, Ianthony Edition, ey? Sounds great!" Anthony proclaimed.

"Yeah! I'm so ready to fuck ALL this shit up!" Ian chuckled. Garrett looked at the two men with a glint of nervousness in his eye.

"I, uh, hope you know not all of these dishes are going to be bad, right?" he asked. Both Ian and Anthony's faces fell.

"Well damn."

The cooking went off without a hitch, even with Ian and Anthony fucking around, still overjoyed to have the other back. Garrett took most of the actual cooking, while the other two did the prep.

Soon, it was time to shoot the episode. A chorus of "Eat It or Yeet It!" rang out.

"Hello and welcome to a very special Eat It or Yeet It-" Courtney began, pausing momentarily. "I say that every time, don't I?" they asked aloud.

"Anyway! I have reason to say it on this fine evening- it's the Ianthony episode!" Cheers came from the table as Ian and Anthony both smiled to the Garrett cam. "Here are the rules!" Courtney said for the edit.

"Garrett wouldn't let us torment you guys... that much." Ian commented. Spencer, on of the contestants, rolled his eyes.

"Don't make me threaten to kill myself again." Spencer sighed. Ian chuckled.

"No promises!"

The first few rounds went as well as any Eat It or Yeet It does- Damien got some weird pasta dish that everyone else refused to taste, Tommy got a plain ass tortilla, Angela got a vegemite donut, and Spencer got an overcooked pizza in a "My Favorite Pizza Place" box.

Issues arose when the big bite came out. Anthony had pitched a dish to be served on fire for the big bite, and Garrett helped him prepare a cherries jubilee flambé.

Anthony had worked a deal with Courtney prior, ensuring Anthony could light the dish himself.

"When this dish is presented, make sure nobody is near it! We wouldn't want an accident..." Garrett had warned. Anthony had mumbled an acknowledgement.

The five people sitting around the table made small talk as the last round was being prepped.

"I can't believe I got the big bite AGAIN." Shayne groaned, head resting on his forearm to ensure no cheating.

"My brother in christ, you didn't even try to hit the bell." Spencer retorted.

"I do think hitting the bell is a vital part of the game..." Tommy added.

"I know! I was the one who pitched this show, dammit!" Shayne snapped in false anger.

"Ohhh, I'm Shayne!! I pitched this show because I like the pain I go through!" Angela mocked.

"Holy shit, are there two Shaynes here?!" Damien joked.

"Okay losers, it's time! Open your eyes!" Courtney called out. Everyone did as they asked, but instead of Courtney, Anthony stood in the center, revealing the dish.

"Five...?" The count started. Anthony pulled out a pocket lighter to flambé the dish.

"Four..." With two clicks, the lighter lit, and Anthony put the flame to the dish.

"Three..." It caught instantly, blue flames climbing the dish.

"Two...!" The flames climbed higher than Anthony inticipated, though, and it made contact with his hand.

"FUCK-" Anthony yelled, quickly yanking his hand back.

"Oh my god, cut, someone get a medic!" the director called.

Anthony would blame the adrenaline, but events after that were a blur. The medic showed up and walked him through the proceedures. It was nothing more than a small first degree burn, but it still hurt like a bitch.

As the medic finished up bandaging Anthony's hand, Ian walked into the room. "Anthony, are... are you okay?" he asked.

Anthony looked to the medic. "Yeah, he'll be fine. Just be careful around the area." she smiled. "Take care now." And she left, leaving Anthony and Ian alone.

"That's... good." Ian said, running a hand through his hair.

"Yep. I've had worse, anyway. I was a teenager once, you know." Anthony joked. Ian didn't laugh, and shifted his weight.

"I was worried. About you."

Oh. Anthony felt a pang in his heart. He walked over to Ian, bringing the other into a hug.

"I'm sorry. I'm okay, I promise."

Ian smiled. "I'm glad."

[rainbowroadonsteroids]

(Totally not me kicking myself in the fucking ass to post art on here ahaha 😀👍)

Given I'm still stuck in a TF2 phase (thanks @comet-wire /j+lh+nm) I've had to sit there and make like four separate merc OCs because they why the fuck not, and I'm gonna be posting them all soon enough. But for today, gonna post the afformentioned "ketchup and Vegemite" person, Ghost. (And also some miscellaneous stuff about him! 😀👍) Also I have not been drawing that much as of late so I need to sort of get used to drawing him lmao.

I drafted this long before the Ridley post so if some of the stuff above sounds odd that's why 🗿👍 Ghost was the second merc I made, and he's been changed a hair! Namely he was originally going to be a mechanic... but I decided fuck it; he gets to be a secondary bushman and he's a hunter now. So his official title is The Hunter. (Also, slight spoiler warning down below for the TF2 Comics!)

(Basics)

His full name is Luna Phengsavath, and Ghost is a nickname of his.

He's 5'11" (156cm) and 160lbs (72kg).

He's 25 years old in 1968, and 29 years old in 1972.

He has one of the fastest speeds outside of Scout, at 125%.

His health is 130/195. (Roughly.)

He is in the offensive class.

Similar the Sniper, Ghost is from Australia, having lived in the Outback as well. He implies even that he grew up near Sniper, living in a more gothic home decorated in a way to keep away the Mormons.

One of his item sets, Killer Kriss, is an homage to Ashrah from Mortal Kombat, as the item set has him wearing an outfit similar to Ashrah, but the outfit is in black rather than white.

Ghost has a healing item called "Surprise Sandvich"; it has the same properties as a Sandvich does, the major difference with this being the scorpion peppers that are within the Sandvich. Ghost can eat it, other mercs can too but it won't heal them as much, and it can actually cause them to take some damage from the burn. (Pyro survives this though.)

He is demisexual and transgender.

Two of his most prominent (or at least two of his most favorite weapons) are his Kriss and Kali Sticks.

His primary weapon is a set of Dual Pistols.

He's known for his gothic appearance, wearing corpse paint and plenty of black. (Oddly enough that doesn't affect him but he has to sleep with fans on him.)

His bite pattern features him having more out-turned canines, and has him missing his premolars.

He has glasses but is too stubborn to wear them like... 98% of the time. And he will never go near contacts.

(Not-so-Basics)

Ghost is a third-generation immigrant, with both sets of his grandparents having immigrated from Laos to Australia at some point. (I would say he's considered 2.5 gen, as Sa (his mum) was born in Laos; however, she was not raised there, and grew up in Australia. Loy (his dad) was born and raised in Australia, on the other hand.)

Ghost only knows certain phrases in Laotian, namely the things Sa would yell at him. ("Wash up for dinner", "clean your room", etc.)

He has autism, and as a result has texture and sensory issues. He shaves his hair down because he hates when he can't maintain it, he doesn't like certain food textures, he hates wet/repetitive noises, and he usually wears looser clothing as he doesn't like the feeling of the clothes hugging his skin.

He has issues with his mental health, and has in the past locked himself away in his room for months just due to how he was feeling. His parents always try to help him, and they at least try to get him to eat, not wanting to force him to do anything he isn't ready for yet. (He also has a fear of dentists due to his depression, as he hates being scolded by his dentist about not brushing.)

In the TF2 Comics, Ghost ends up having to deal with amputating his left hand, as well as a majority of his right leg. The hand comes from having to free himself to try and get out of the room he was locked in, and the leg... I'm still trying to figure the technicalities out with that. But, he doesn't try to push Medic to heal him solely because he knows how to manage himself for the time being, and he doesn't want to waste Medic's time when the others need healed. He later on is able to get prosthetics to use, as well as arm crutches.

He is perpetually scared of Saxton Hale.

He has been romantically interested in Sniper since around the time they were teens, and considers a sharktooth necklace (original I know) Sniper gave him to be a treasure.

He apparently did his own top surgery, and said it went smoothly. He also notes he's not into bottom surgery, and says so graciously that he's content with having a man cave.

(Miscellaneous/Random Notes)

Ghost has a brother who is 20 years older than he is, named Serina. He also has two cousins who are a bit older than he is, Celestia and Akuma.

He doesn't like sweets. A HUGE exception though is ice cream, specifically either sherbet or cotton candy ice cream.

He'd probably take the record as the most censored mercenary, as every line he'd have usually would have him cussing.

Despite not knowing Laotian, he does know German and Australian Sign Language/Auslan. He was taught Auslan as a toddler because he would go mute sometimes, and he would at least communicate that way.

A lot of his taunts are meant to insult the other mercs. Whether it be a double middle finger, "up yours" gesture, chin flick, a thumb between his index and middle finger, a forearm jerk, if it insults/pisses off the other team, he does it. (Obviously there are particularly offensive gestures he will not do.)

He's gotten high off of the Medigun before.

About two years before leaving home, Ghost and his parents found two stray kittens; an orange tabby cat and an unknown tan cat. They took the two kittens in, and named them Honey Mustard (tabby) and French Fry. French Fry was later found out to be a Maine Coon as she got to be as big as a year old great dane.

He has the highest instant noodle consumption rate in the base, eating about three to four cups of it a day. This is because instant noodles are a comfort food of his.

One of his favorite foods is a Vegemite and ketchup(/tomato sauce) sandwich. He gets a stomach ache 90% of the time he eats it but still likes it.

His last name is sometimes spelled phonetically, thus coming out to be Fengsavath. Though because of this he's sometimes gone under the pen name Luna Fang.

Ghost has a habit of either chewing his fingernails or his fingers, so his fingers look a bit weird as a result.

He's blunt. Seriously. He's called The Administrator a cunt/bitch to her face, he's called Classic Heavy a racist piece of rubbish, he's called Classic Pyro/Beatrice a cold and dry cunt, he's called Gray Mann an expired tampon, and there's plenty more examples.

He will genuinely get aggravated with the word "barbie", and will scream out "IT'S A BLOODY GRILL YOU WANK". Why this is? No one really knows.

Ghost draws in his free time, and sometimes uses his teammates as models.

[another-mrfluffball]

lol australian dyslexic anon here and back with my stuff

ANYWAY So how would they react with an stereotypical australian s/o

(also it was 3 the eldest of my younger cousins has gone to court three times)

Oh hello! YEY! I was correct for the game! Back on topic, I wasn't 100% sure what a stereotypical Australian was. (I don't know much about stereotypes) But I did some research! sorry if it's inaccurate! Anyway, I hope you enjoy :D

By the way please don't take the stereotypes seriously/personally this is crackhead writing honestly!

Lupin

He definitely tried out to pronounce the words like you (not in a rude way just a goofy way) You both just laughed at how awful it was. G'day, mate! *both laugh like fuck*

Definitely loves your goofy slangs. He finds them adorable :D

Jigen

He doesn't really comment on you being Australian. He doesn't really give a shit where you are from, he just enjoys your company :)

But there was this one time when you called forgot what grasshoppers are called so you called them the annoying ass bug kangaroo which made both of you laugh.

Goemon

Not gonna lie he sometimes gets confused by the slangs you say. So he is just there like ??? And you are there like: Stop standing in the bloody rain and get in car!!!! Blood??? Where???? Lmao

He gets confused as fuck where you say bloody ____ he is just like where???? Are you hurt y/n?????

Fujiko

The fuck is that? Vegemite! The fuck? It's called vegemite. ???

She finds vegemite weird. I mean the fuck is that color?? She has never seen that before.

Once she tries it out she goes oh. How is it? I mean I guess it's okay. You want more? :D

Zenigata

Oh! Cool!

He loves learning more about new cultures!

During his break, he loves listening to your stories about your simple to wild memories at Australia. And then a kangaroo got in front of me an- WAIT hm? A kangaroo???? Yeah! WOW why so surprised? I never really saw them in the wild, they are usually a zoo thing you know? But did you really see a kangaroo? Yep! It's pretty common. HOLY SH-

Crackhead shit. Anyway again please don't take this personally. It's just some random stereotypes I found on the internet. I hope you enjoyed it!

[blackberreh-art]

Hi, I have a question what does vegemite taste like?Im from México and its not something you can buy at any store so im really curious. Tbh i cant take my USA online friends who (had some acces to it) opinions cus really they about die when I tell them that a pinch of salt/pepper is not proper seasoning. All of them told me its black death but well the majority of australian love it soo yeah im really curious. ( Sorry for the long ass question , love ur art♡)

Aw thank you ahahah

Vegemite is a spread made from yeast and vegetable and and spice additives and imo is a very unique flavour! If you've ever been passed a brewery the smell always reminds me of it because of the yeast ahaha

It's very savory, and if you're first trying it out I do recommend spreading it thinly over buttered bread. Maybe with some cheese too. Whenever I see people 'try' it online, they always just fucking. Heap it on. And just like, why would you??? Thats disgusting stop

[aceopmari]

Could you please do a headcanons on how the akatsuki would act toward someone with an Australian accent bc I’m Aussie and I just wanna know how they’d act if they met an Australian 😭

A/N: I had no idea I had Aussie queens reading my fics! How cool! And you’ve got it! I took the time to research the terms, the slang, and culture. Hope I got it accurate enough! 

Akatsuki Masterlist

Taglist: @ppg-artss @lovelygeniegirl1012 @mercymccann @kakeisumire @aoi-ajisai @mechmoucha @barbellina @nightingaleflow @bonchin @awhore4uchiha @havrlie

The Akatsuki w/an Australian Teammate

A/N: Brought to you by, Lagoona Blue! Don’t you just love Aussie characters?

The Akatsuki would be getting a new member from The Village Hidden Down Under.

Thing is, they hardly knew anything about the mysterious village. Not even Itachi.

The Akatsuki watched as you walked in the room. The first thing they noticed was your village headband that had a upside down boomerang symbol on it. You wore it loosely on your hips.

You were attractive, clad in very light clothing (that looked more suited for a day on the beach) as well as a bright and sunny smile that could bring the dead back to life.

“G’day mates!” You greet.

Deidara:

💥If your partnered with him. He would have mixed feelings about you. That accent of yours was a bit off putting and he didn’t quite get your slang.

💥”Deidra, you doing okay, love?” You asked. An irritated tick mark appeared on his head as he blushed. “For the last time, it’s Deidara! And don’t call me your love, hm!” He growled. You looked at him in confusion. “That’s what I said, mate. Your name is Deidra.” Deidara nearly lost it. “Grrr! Stop calling me mate, hm!”

💥On the other hand, he enjoyed your company. You were friendly and warm. You also appreciated his art.

💥The two of you flew on his clay bird through the air that day. You laughed as you through your hands to the sky.

💥”Crikey! You Akatsuki blokes sure know how to keep things exciting!” You say happily. Deidara smirked. “It’s nice to know someone appreciates my art, hm.” You gave him a sweet smile. “Think you can make a koala, mate?”

💥Deidara spent the afternoon with you on the forest. He made clay sculptures of animals he never made before: a koala, a kangaroo, and a few others.

💥A tear fell from your eye at the sight. You didn’t realize it before but seeing the native animals from your village was making you feel homesick.

💥”Is there something wrong, Y/N?” Deidara asked. He was surprised when you pulled him into a hug. “It’s nothing mate…thank you Deidra. These are a beauty!” You say as more tears spill from your eyes. Deidara blushed. He smiled as he found himself hugging you back.

💥”You’re welcome, you shelia, hm.”

Hidan:

🩸Hidan was an odd bloke. He was clowning you from the start when he heard your accent and slang.

🩸”The fucks a Barbie?”

🩸”I ain’t your fucking mate, bitch!”

🩸”Quit stuffing your fat ass with that vegemite shit!”

🩸Your patience wore thin with his disrespect. You put your foot down. “I’ve had it putting up with a nasty drongo like you!”

🩸You slapped Hidan across the face, surprising you both. Hidan lips then curve into a grin. “Hot damn! Do it again, babe!”

🩸You stared at him incredulously. ‘Crikey! This Hidden Steamy bloke is off his knocker!’

🩸Hidan was…’friendly’ with you after that. Often hitting on you and calling you his ‘mate’ and ‘love’ for kicks.

🩸”What do ya say we get to know each other a bit further, Shelly?” He purrs as he wraps an arm around your waist. You elbow him hard in the gut, causing him to wheeze as he lets go. “The proper term is Shelia. And I’m not getting nuddy with a root rat like you!” You snapped.

🩸You eventually warmed up to him more. Hidan appreciated your open mindedness when he explained Jashinism to you. He gave you a physical demonstration of his ritual when he stabbed himself through the chest.

🩸”Ripper! That’s a gnarly jutsu you got going on, love!” You say with an excited smile. Hidan smirked at you as blood dripped down his lip. “You’re my kinda girl, you know that?”

🩸And you definitely were. With a shit eating smile, Hidan watched you wrestle a large crocodile in the water. You used a nearby snake to wrap it around its neck. “Hot damn! This bitch is wild!” He laughed.

🩸Hidan stopped everything when he saw you leave the base one day wearing a pair of daisy dukes, a crop top, and flip flops.

🩸”Well helloooo! Where you off to babe?” He grins as he scans your figure. You turned to him. “Oh, hello mate. I’m off to go buy some thongs. Want to come with?”

🩸Hidan’s pink eyes lit up. His cheeks flushed as a perverted grin spreads on his face. He imagined you in a sexy thong that hugged that perfect ass. He had to see you in one. “Fuck yes!”

🩸Hidan sat outside in front of your door at the fitting room. He could feel his little scythe twitching in his pants in excitement.

🩸”I still don’t see why I need to get in a fitting room to put on these thongs,” you say in confusion. Hidan snickered. “Trust me, babe it’ll be so worth it to see em on you.”

🩸You giggled. “You’re a strange little bloke aren’t you? I had no idea you were into this sort of thing.” Hidan chuckled. “I’m into a lot of things…”

🩸Hidan licked his lips in anticipation as he heard your door unlock. You opened the door and stepped out…fully clothed…

🩸Hidan stared at you in confusion as you walked towards him. “What the fuck? Where’s the th-?” You placed your foot on the seat next to him, presenting the designer flip flops you had on. You giggled. “Here you freak. Is this everything you wanted to see?”

🩸Hidan just stared at your foot incredulously. That was when he realized your culture and slangs. ‘Thongs’ in your village meant flip flops…not sexy underwear…

Kisame:

🦈 Kisame didn’t think much of you. What was some little girl doing in the Akatsuki anyway?

🦈He often picked on you and put you on the spot, but every time you stood your ground.

🦈”You sure you want to do this little girl? I wouldn’t want that pretty face to get hurt on a mission,” Kisame teased. You rolled your eyes. “Oh, don’t get your boardies in a twist, you dingo!”

🦈Kisame erupted with laughter. You were one interesting girl. Maybe being partners with you wouldn’t be so bad.

🦈 Kisame watched you train one day. He was impressed seeing you use water release to summon crocodiles.

🦈”That’s quite the jutsu!” He says to you. You give him a charming smile. “You like, mate? This here’s my Kekay Genkhi!” Kisame snickered. He had to resist the urge to tease you for your accent with how you said certain words.

🦈”What do you say to a little challenge?” Kisame smirked. You smirked back, catching onto his idea. “You’re on mate! My crocs against your sharks! May the best True Blue win!”

🦈Kisame fell for you the more he spent time with you. You were wild, fun, and free spirited.

🦈He was interested in learning more about your culture. You introduced him to shrimp on a barbie and vegemite.

🦈Samehada adored you. The sword let you pet it. Kisame liked how you treated his sword like a pet. You seemed great with animals.

🦈At night, you and Kisame went out for midnight swims. You both would playfully wrestle and splash each other in the water.

🦈Kisame would love for you to skinny dip with him. But first he had to find the courage to confess his feelings towards you.

Itachi:

🐦Itachi thought you were rather interesting if not a little eccentric than the average shinobi. Your accent was rather unique (not that he would admit it out loud).

🐦Your slang was rather strange too, but he was always able to interpret and translate your meanings on his own.

🐦Your words, mannerisms, and enthusiasm were amusing. Itachi was curious to learn more about your village and it’s cultures.

🐦He found it odd that you threw boomerangs in battle as opposed to shuriken. Surprisingly worked well as you were always able to knock out your opponent.

🐦You loved the wildlife, that was for sure. Itachi thought it was odd seeing a shinobi swinging on vines in the forest as opposed to simple tree jumping. Were all ninja from Aussiegakure like this?

🐦You were very interested in learning more about the Sharingan.

🐦”Oh, c’mon love. Just one peek?” You asked. “No…” Itachi said cooly as he turned his gaze away from you so that you wouldn’t look in his eyes. He couldn’t help but feel a warm shiver go down his spine when you called him ‘love’.

🐦You heard of Itachi and the things he’s done. You couldn’t help but be curious.

🐦”Itachay, why’d you kill off all your mates?” You asked him one day. Itachi stayed silent. He didn’t even question how the way you said his name sounded funny to him. You decided to let it go.

🐦”I‘ll respect and understand if you don’t want to talk. None of my bizzo,” you say. Itachi remained silent. He was at least very appreciative of you respecting his boundaries. You’d be a good partner for him in the Akatsuki.

Other Members:

🎭Sasori had mixed feelings about you. On one hand you were a competent partner. On the other hand you were annoying. He couldn’t understand some of the things you said. You actually made a bad first impression when you met him.

🎭”What’s an ankle biting bluey like yourself doing in the Akatsuki?” You say with a teasing smile. Sasori was able to interpret that ankle biter meant a child in which he quickly corrected you that he wasn’t. But what was a bluey? Why did you keep calling him that?

🎭You both eventually warm up and bond over your hatred for Orochimaru who you once met when he invaded your village with a bunch of snakes. You enlightened Sasori with the tale of how you fought him off. Snakes were native to your village so you easily drove Orochimaru away.

💵Kakuzu found your optimism and lively attitude to be infectiously disgusting.

💵You were put off by his greed. You always expressed how some of the money he earned should go towards protecting the wildlife such as koalas.

😆Tobi liked you and wanted you to teach him surfing.

📃Konan liked having a woman around but you were rather strange. Why did u keep calling her Shelia?

👋Pain also thought you were a rather strange woman. Especially considering how you were so intrigued by his gnarly looking piercings.

[ambeauty]

Friend U Can Keep

This is a mini fic based on the Kitchen Moment in Season 3 of DC Titans. Based on this song (F.U.C.K. By Victoria Monet) and Brenton’s annoying ass quote of Dick and Kory being “co-workers”.

*Kory’s POV*

Kory walks into the kitchen and notices Dick’s all black suit first and is immediately taken back by how good he looks dressed up for once. The wrinkled button ups and chinos get real boring, not that he was dressing for her viewing pleasure anyway. Instead of commenting on his physical appearance she brings up the reminder that he is going to a gala right? So why is he stuffing his face? She swears ever since they got to Gotham, Dick has been bulking but in the best way. Ok she should really stop objectifying him, but she can’t help it. He’s just so pretty. She knows they are just coworkers and friends when he’s not being a complete dumbass in Gotham. However, it’s hard to focus on the friendship, when she remembers the sex just as vividly.

They continue chit chatting about that ugly ass T in the sky but whatever makes him happy and whatever makes Gotham PD (aka Barbara) happy because they needed to be trusted right now more than ever. Her mind continues to shift to what could be happening if they both weren’t so damn stubborn. Like him pushing all of the food and utensils off the island and taking her right there. How would anybody ever know? This house is too damn big for them to get caught right? Plus with their reflexes they could definitely sneak one in. Kory shakes all of the explicit thoughts out of her head but not before noticing Dick’s beautiful mouth with crumbs in the corner that she really wants to lick off or would look really good licking something off of her. Instead she hands him a napkin and tries to focus on being the best friend and co-worker that Dick can keep.

*Dick’s POV*

Kory walking into the kitchen while he’s in the middle of spreading vegemite on his toast with a batarang and he tries his hardest not to puncture the bread. She’s wearing a short skirt again. Why does she always have to wear the tiniest of skirts? He’s just trying to keep their coworking situation friendly? He even started seeing Barbara again to make sure that they don’t fall back into their ways. No matter how much distance he tries to keep between Kory and him, his thoughts always wind up back to that night in the hotel when they were super close.

Hell he just invited Barbara over like five minutes ago. He has got to get control over this. Kory would start leaning over the counter, to give him an even better view of her perfect ass. He truly hates it here. If he had it his way, he wouldn’t be pregaming going to this stupid fucking gala. Instead he would march over to Kory, grab her waist, and pick her up and set that perfect ass right on the island. The skirt making this whole endeavor even easier. Conner and Gar are probably knee deep in cctv footage or a video game. Who even knows what the others are up to. Nobody would know… Kory hands him a napkin and he gives her his signature dimpled smile. He has got to work on their friendship because his thoughts are really out of hand, and Kory is definitely his kryptonite.

I hope y’all enjoy this! The way this hit me was too strong. Dusting off 15 year writing hat off for these crazy kids!

Thank you @selinascatnip and @escapism-through-imagination for the encouragement. 💜💙

[slopmaster9000]

THE TRAPDOOR WAS ACTUALLY IN THE CEILING SO IM PRETTY SURE WHAT THEYRE TALKING ABOUT BEING UNDER THE DOOR IN THE SONG IS THE FURRY GLADIATOR ARENA AND ALSO ME!!!!! AFTER I GOT A GOOD LOOK AROUND THE APARTMENT TRYING NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE BONG CAUSE IT KEPT MAKING WEIRD FACES AT ME THIS BIRD DUDE WALKED OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND SAW ME!!!!! I STARTLED HIM PRETTY BAD CAUSE HE DROPPED HIS JAR OF VEGEMITE AND IT ROLLED INTO THE OVEN'S MOUTH WHERE IT MADE A COMICAL SWALLOWING NOISE!!!!! HE SAID WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU HOWD YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE AND I SAID SORRY BUT I WAS STUCK IN A DUNGEON THIS WAS THE ONLY WAY OUT!!!!! HE SAID WHAT DUNGEON THIS APARTMENT IS ON THE 17TH FLOOR!!!!! I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW SURE ENOUGH WE WERE REALLY HIGH UP ALSO THE CITY OUTSIDE LOOKED LIKE IT WAS MADE OUT OF NEWSPAPER OR SOMETHING!!!!! I SAID SORRY I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING ILL LEAVE NOW BUT HE SAID OH NO YOU DONT IM NOT LETTING YOU LEAVE UNTIL YOU GET MY VEGEMITE BACK THAT WAS MY LAST JAR AND THE GROCERY STORES CLOSED CAUSE A ROBOT THREW UP!!!!!! GET IN THE FUCKING OVEN!!!! THE BIRDS BEAK WAS REALLY BIG AND I WAS SCARED SO I SAID OKAY AND OPENED THE OVEN DOOR AND GOT INSIDE LIKE HANS GRETEL AND THE GAY ASS WITCH!!!!!! BUT ITS JUST A REGULAR OVEN NOW AND IM TRAPPED INSIDE AND IT'S STARTING TO GET PRETTY WARM!!!!! I FUCKING HATE THE EVIL WIZARD DIMENSION!!!!!

holy shit you gotta get out of there!!!!!!!! please dont get cooked and at least if you do please be something nice like a cake or brownies

[officialgritty]

How I Would Humble NHL Players

An essay written by bigboigritty. 

I would humble hockey players the only way I know how to, by sending them to Australia. Let’s suppose that they have decided to hold the All Star game over here (forget about it’s usual date) (forget that some players I have listed below might not be invited) (and while you're at it, please forget that Australia’s rinks are Not Good).

I think that they would suffer but in an entertaining way so it’s fine. 

First of all, their biggest concern is getting sunburnt. It would effect all of their dumb asses but I’m particularly worried about Pierre-Luc Dubois and Mitch Marner. Boys are practically translucent. Vince Dunn would be fine, he’d probably wear a shirt most of the time which is a very smart decision. 

You may wonder why I didn’t mention Nolan Patrick because I am a certified slut for him, well I don't think he would have a problem. He would spend most of the time inside and when he joins the others, I think his Virgo ass would reapply sunscreen. Maybe he would burn slightly but I don't think it'd be enough to make him uncomfortable. 

Another thing that I think they will gain from this experience is a higher pain tolerance. Now you’re probably thinking, “Zoe they are NHL players so they can handle pain.” Wrong.

Real pain is running barefoot on cement at theme parks while you race to get to the next ride. Also getting into the car and having to avoid touching every piece of metal to not get branded like a cow. Or better yet, when the heat gets so bad that there’s a black out because everyone has their air conditioning turned on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that other countries have scary animals but I would pay to see them panic over ours. Crocodiles here can grow up to 5.2 metres / 17 feet. We have a box jellyfish season where it’s advised to avoid swimming or wear wetsuits for coverage. Funnel web spiders can survive underwater for hours by trapping air bubbles around their skin. We have several of the worlds deadliest snakes present across the country. 

Listen, I don't want anyone to get injured but the constant fear that they would have when doing anything would be enough to make me happy.

My biggest question is who would survive in the shady areas, who would survive the eshays?

Under no circumstances can you look them in the eyes or cross their path. They are not to be feared individually but in groups caution is advised. I think the players would attempt to assert dominance and that is simply not an option. You are better off to ignore the eshay.

Nolan would have no issues here if im being honest. He is big and I don't think they’d find it worth it to fuck with him. But you know who they would target? Matthew Tkachuk. “Where are you going pretty boy?” “Oi braa did we hurt your feelings ya pussy cunt?” They would make fun of his hair in particular. 

Travis Konecny would be an eshay. I don't think I need to make further comment. (So would Louis Tomlinson but I am not a 1D account and I will continue to repeat that until it’s true.)

I would also give them a few iconic tasks to get the true Australian experience. Activities for the ‘vacation’ include triathlon events, beach flags, bush walking and climbing the harbour bridge. They could attend a cricket match but they tend to like golf so unfortunately they would probably enjoy this :(

AFL is an extremely popular sport here and I think they would loose their shit when they learn the rules of this game. No protective equipment is used other than mouthguards, that's it. That’s all you get. And jumping onto other players for leverage is encouraged. I would thoroughly enjoy the fights that would break out because of this.

Another task would be to use a map to make their way to a servo for a slurpee. The catch is that they will be required to pass through multiple alleyways. Also, the season is Spring, it’s swooping season mother fuckers. Let’s see how brave you are when birds chase you down the block. Personally I don’t think any of them would pass this test, maybe McDavid because the birds may not be able to detect a heartbeat.

Australian food would disgust them, I just know it. Things that they would need to try are a Bunnings sausage sanga, fairy bread, lamingtons, baked beans on toast, Milo and Vegemite. Because I’m me I would give them no butter with their Vegemite. 

An after thought I had was money so I’m editing this to include it. Everything here is EXPENSIVE so they would need to learn how to budget. Upon doing research, Canadians would be fine but the Americans will be mad.

1000 CAD = 1019 AUD

1000 USD = 1297 AUD

Another after thought was the fact that they won’t be able to drive (or at least drive well) here. We drive on the left and not the right, same goes for walking paths too. I can sense a lot of them bumping into people.

Where I think players would live based on vibes alone:

Carter Hart and Vince Dunn: North Shore Beaches, NSW. Daddy’s money. Carter probably did Nippers whereas Vince was a skater boy. 

Travis Konecny: Darwin, NT. Would 100% live there and enjoy it. He would try to conduct crocodile tours but gets assigned to feeding the baby crocs and doing shows for little kids. 

Tyson Barrie: Perisher, NSW. One of the only ski resorts we have to offer, major friendly mountain man energy.

Nolan Patrick: Byron Bay, NSW. @antoineroussel enlightened me, steering away from my original thought of Katoomba, NSW. Byron Bay is a magnet for hippies and links rainforest to the ocean. Chris Hemsworth and his family also live there.

William Nylander: Perth, WA. I don’t know much about Perth other than they wouldn’t shut up about partying while the other states had to quarantine. For some reason, I also associate Perth with Tik Tok. 

Sidney Crosby and Connor McDavid: Melbourne CBD, VIC. These two would live in the same apartment building in the city, Connor one level above Sidney. It’s the most boring looking block of them all and Crosby would send in complaints to the landlord about McDavid pacing during the night.

Tyler Seguin: Surfers Paradise, QLD. Party central, not many people are actually from this area and he would be sure to tell absolutely everyone that he was. I also think he would get a Meter Maid tattoo, specifically on his leg. Has definitely slept on the beach before because he couldn’t find his way home.

Jamie Benn: Hobart, TAS. Tasmania is usually forgotten about. Another one with mountain man energy except he is more creepy than friendly.

Mitch Marner: Fitzroy, VIC. @antoineroussel is responsible for this one too. Hipster central, makes you question how the hell someone so young can have so much money. Would chug $45 wine and not blink an eye.

(honourable mentions include = Sammy Blais: Hobart, Tas. Once again no comment on Tasmania. TJ Oshie: Cairns, QLD. Would do reef tours. Haydn Fleury: Western Sydney, NSW. Haydn would 100% own a ute or a white holden commodore and you can’t tell me otherwise. Roman Josi: Adelaide, SA. Small town history teacher vibes.)

I have attached a handy map for those who may need it.

In conclusion, the NHL should send their players over here to teach them some manners and while they’re at it, management should bring themselves too. Nolan Patrick could pass as an Australian if he built up a tan. (So does Nylander in this picture but we won’t talk about that.) Come over anytime baby, I’m free. 

Glossary

Servo - A service station, also known as a petrol or gas station. Example: 7/11

Theme park - An amusement park. Can be said in reference to both normal parks and water parks and usually means those in QLD. Example: Six Flags

Swooping season - August to October in Australia. When birds attack and chase humans and / or pets for getting close to their babies. Magpies are notoriously bad for this. 

Bunnings sausage sanga - A cheap feed / meal found at the front of a hardware and gardening store called Bunnings. Made up of white bread, sausage, onion and your choice of sauce.

Fairy bread - White bread with margarine and topped with 100s and 1000s / sprinkles. 

Meter Maids - Women who work along the beach dressed in gold bikinis. They top up parking meters to save tourists from getting fined and will often stop for photos. 

Nippers - Surf lifesaving programs carried out for children between 5 and 14. 

Ute - A pick up truck.

Eshay - A person who partakes in drug use, graffiti, listens to EDM and targets victims in groups. Below is the typical style of an eshay. 

Tagging a few friends so this doesn’t completely flop but feel free to ignore if it isn't your thing. I won’t be offended lmao

@scheifefe @ifiwasshawnmendesidslapmyself @d00dlebob @bowenbyram @kempe @prettyboyroope @quintonsbyfield @travisgermy @pitoftrash @kspitehockey @ballsakic @canadianheaters @bricksatlandyswindow @powerblais @brokeninsidebutnobodyknows @jamiedrysdales

[chickensarentcheap]

More...

How competitive is Tyler?

Is there a game that Esme can always beat Tyler at?

Does Tyler look up to anyone? (that doesn't surf)

When Tyler didnt take Esme up on her proposition the first night they talked, what went through his head back in his room

Is there anything food or snack wise that Tyler absolutely has to have on hand at all times

Has Esme had to do anything at her previous job she feels any regret or shame over?

What is Addie's favorite bedtime story?

What age were Millie and TJ when they first learned to surf?

@tragiclyhip Seeing as tumblr won’t let me answer in the ask box lmao

1) Tyler is extremely competitive.  Which drives Esme absolutely batshit insane.  She hates doing anything with him that involves the slightest bit of competition because he's so intense.  She just wants to have fun!

2) Bowling. She always absolutely demolishes him.  And is very good at beating his ass at Uno.  lol

3) No.  I don't think so. He hasn't had many -or any for that matter- role models in his life.  Which is why he's so intent on being one for his own kids. 

4) He hated himself for it.  It wasn't that he wasn't attracted to her or that he didn't want her (it was obvious to her that he did), it's just he was so intent on protecting her from him.   He knew she was too good for just a sexual thing, and he didn't think he could give her that.  Get too attached. Or that if he did, they'd be happy for so long and then he'd hurt her and fuck up and lose her.   And he didn't want to go through that.   But he really kicked his own ass over that.

5) Vegemite LOL. He has to have vegemite.

6)  She had spent months getting close to someone very high up in the organized crime world.  Convincing them that she was in love with them, wanted to be with them, etc etc etc. They were a single dad to a little girl that grew incredibly close to Esme.  And she regrets breaking that little girl's heart by just disappearing out of her life.

7) Addie loves Angelina Ballerina.  Being the little dancer herself.  She could listen to those over and over again.  But she really loves stories that daddy just makes up. And always about a little girl named Addie that marries a prince or because a vet or an astronaut or lives with a 1000 cats lmao

8) While they did used to do family trips to Myrtle Beach while living in the States and Tyler would take them surfing, they didn't learn until having such easy access to the ocean when they moved to Australia.  Millie was seven when she started learning, TJ was six.

[finiteuniverse13]

Bravo's Banned List

With the help of @bravo-four-seal-team, @@jayhalsteadfan-2417 and @rebelwrites, we made a list.

A list, posted on various walls throughout the Naval base, the plane and the cage room. About 1/3 of it is typed up, the rest is in hastily written pen. Made by Blackburn to try and corral Bravo. It's doing its best.

Tag: @rebelwrites @chibsytelford @bravo-four-seal-team @velvetcardiganbucky @supervalcsi @abby-splace @itsonautopilot @thegirlwhoisalwayswriting @pinkrockstar19 @softi92 @mrsmarvelous1995 @jayhalsteadfan-2417

Just so you're all aware, this is a 6.5-page document.

0: On the days of Adam and Swanny’s Death, leave the group be to remember them. I will not protect you.

1: Brock Is Not Allowed Coffee. No exceptions.

1.1: Do not leave Metal alone with Brock when Coffee is around.

2: Dick jokes are not required in briefings

3: If a single one of you bastards get between me and my coffee, we will be having issues

5: You made the dog sad; you die.

8: DO NOT GIVE THEM NERF GUNS

9: WHO THE HELL GAVE THEM WATER GUNS

9.1: STICKS DO NOT GIVE THEM STICKS THEY WILL PRETEND THEY ARE GUNS

10: Dirt bikes (don’t ask)

11: ARCHERY IS A BIG NO

12: FISHING. WHY AM I BANNING FISHING

13: Fire. That is all

14: KNIVES. WHY ARE YOU GIVING THEM KNIVES?

15: LADDERS (NEVER AGAIN)

16: PLASTIC CUTLERY ONLY UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE THEM METAL CUTLERY

16.1: Scratch that, they stab people with the metal cutlery. Let them suffer the consequences of their actions. They can eat with their hands.

17: MEMES ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THE MEETING ROOM

18: Horse riding. (METAL IT IS NOT A TACTICAL DISMOUNT ITS CALLED FALLING AND GETTING A CONCUSSION)

19: BOY BANDS (not allowed to be played on the plane)

19.1: GIRL BANDS (for the love of god, they will try and imitate them)

19.2 RAP MUSIC (they think they are the next Eminem and will make your ears bleed)

20: Do not tell Jason he is not allowed to do something. He finds a way to do it

20.1: Apparently Ray will do the exact same without question

21: Do not leave any members of the team with upper brass. (How did you make an Admiral with years of combat CRY!)

22: Clay is under Jason’s protection don’t go after him they will not find your body

22.1: If Clay calls Jason dad just leave it ok

22.2: Actually, check on Jason, he’s been standing staring for the past hour now

23: Hairdryers are banned (HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET YOUR BEARD CAUGHT SONNY)

24: Only Trent is allowed to call Metal by his legal first name. Ensign Williams learnt that one the hard way.

25: Paintball is banned from the base the last time it was extreme and got violent

26: The transformers movies because clay tried to do a stunt it ended badly

27: Thumbtacks apparently

28: Any Marvel movie (Jason you’re not Captain America)

28.1: DC movies are out as well

28.2: Disney Princess movies as well (don’t ask)

30: Do not leave phone unlocked around Sonny, he will not hesitate to change everything

36: DO NOT LET THEM GET SO DRUNK THEY START SINGING. IF I HEAR IN THE NAVY ONE MORE TIME, I WON'T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS

37: IF THERE IS SILENCE DROP EVERYTHING AND START HUNTING AND PANICKING

38: Grenade launchers are not required for every mission Trent

39: WHO GAVE METAL A SWORD

42: Yes, Clay does know an Admiral by name. Don't ask questions you don't want answers to.

45: If Clay starts angrily ranting in a foreign language, don't worry. He's thinking out loud, not plotting to destroy the base

45.1: If Clay is calmly talking in a foreign language just back away slowly

48: SpongeBob is a Bad Idea because they are way too Annoying and make References (I’m looking at you, Clay)

52: Sharpies. When I find whoever gave me this sharpie tattoo sleeve, there will be hell to pay

56: DO NOT LET CLAY HAVE A GRIMM REAPER OUTFIT! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME HES NEARLY GIVEN SONNY AND TRENT A HEART ATTACK AT 3 AM

57: Red paint. I went to check something at 3 am and Clay was painting a satanic ritual on the floor

58: 3 am checks are a bad idea. (I have seen things, people!)

62: Explosives are to be locked away when not on mission Sonny and Clay will try and play catch with a live homewrecker

62.1: I expected Metal as a Master Chief to know better - he falls under the same rule as Clay and Sonny.

63: Don't wake Clay when he is sleeping back away slowly and leave the room

64: If I'm sleeping, back away and leave the room. Interrupt me if they've broken a rule, or if the base is actively being bombed. If not, I don't care.

65: Have multiple phone chargers or they will disappear and you’re not getting them back

68: If you call Clay anything other than a nickname expect to get punched or stabbed or sniped in the ass when least expected

68.1: Metal will stab you. Please remember he has a shovel and lye in his truck (WHY DO YOU HAVE IT)

68.2: Don't try to take the shovel and lye off of Metal

69: NEVER say the number 69 around them they are all immature children and expect tongue in cheek comments

70: NEVER interrupt Sonny when he is eating breakfast, he is grumpy in the morning

72: If they are all asleep make no sound - YOU WAKE THEM THEY ARE YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE

73: For the love of god, stop giving Clay earth mineral nicknames. This is the third time this week I've watched Sonny empty limestone dust from his pack

75: Do not give them hammers! What is wrong with you people?

79: Do Not talk to Trent unless it’s after 2 coffees

83: For the love of god, don't ask Metal if he ever did nude modelling in art school. He will begin stripping, literally anywhere

91: Cerberus is a good boy and you hurt Brock you die

98: Super Glue (never again)

99: MY COFFEE IS OFF LIMITS WHOEVER PUT SALT IN IT WILL PAY

100: Do not give in to their peer pressure while they are drunk, I will not be doing it again

100.1: WHY AM I HEARING IN THE NAVY AGAIN?!

100.2: Sweet Caroline won't work twice

100.3: WHY ARE YOU SINGING BARBIE

100.4: SONNY, CLAY IS NOT A BARBIE GIRL

103: Don't tell Sonny he looks good in pink because you better believe he will keep wearing it (and probably some girl clothes too) to keep getting compliments

114: I ALREADY WROTE SUPER GLUE WHY DO I NEED TO WRITE IT AGAIN

115: HAIR DYE (Why did you dye Metal and Trent’s hair pink?!)

115.1: Face paint (Sonny, their faces did not need to match their hair)

116: Do NOT touch Clay, Charlie team learnt that, and someone ended up nearly losing a finger. (And it wasn’t because of the dog)

117: If they offer you a drink whilst smirking DO NOT take it

118: Sea shanties – if I hear one more SEA SHANTY while we are FLYING

119: If you hear someone shout incoming, run, it’s not an attack, it is Bravo, someone has done something and they’re coming to tell me

120: Vegemite is not allowed in the base after Jason let Clay eat it

121: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (JASON I DONT CARE IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY TO ACT LIKE LEO IT WAS A BAD MOVE)

122: Hawaii 5-0, if I hear one more thing about how we should hang people of the rook of buildings I am going to shoot someone

124: Mortal Kombat (Clay was acting like Scorpion for a month)

130: Itching Powder (looking at you Brock)

131: DO NOT TOUCH JASONS TOMATOES - you will get a bamboo cane jammed into your thigh

134: Capes - YOU ARE NOT SUPERMAN CLAY STOP PRETENDING YOU CAN FLY BY JUMPING OFF THE HOOCHES

134.1: Edna Mode said NO CAPES - I EXPECT NO CAPES WORN BY ANYONE ON MY TEAM

138: Laser Tag is fun until someone gets hurt (Sonny and Clay you know what happened)

138.1: Laser Tag! (Ray needed to go to the hospital guys, come on)

143: Basketball. My nose will never be straight again.

144: Bravo and Ice skates don’t mix (the only person good on them is Jason but no other member of Bravo is allowed on the ice again)

144.1: Same goes for rollerblades

145: Ash Spencer is not allowed to be alone with Clay (Jason punched him last time he was on base)

145.1: Do not leave Jason, Metal or Sonny alone with Ash Spenser, it’s going to end up with a murder charge.

146: Clay is Jason’s adopted kid and needs to be supervised when Jason is away

151: SLIME - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT GIVE THEM SLIME

152: GLITTER WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE

153: SCISSORS - Jase cut a chunk of Clay’s hair in the night now the base is a war zone

153.1: DONT FUCK WITH COVERBOY'S HAIR see point 68 for consequences

154: NAIR (why do you even have it?)

156: Call Of Duty (Clay must be supervised when playing it)

157: Do Not leave Clay unattended with Metal (They are both recovering from the ONE CHIP/DEATH CHIP Challenge)

158: Marshmallows (don’t ask)

163: The Hunger Games (are not a good training exercise)

164: The Olympus Has Fallen movies are not allowed to be mentioned in any given time)

173: If you mention the word ice-cream just run, run for your life

176: If I am sleeping STOP THROWING PAPER AT ME

177: Yelling FOR NARNIA is not an appropriate battle cry

178: The Fast And Furious movies (Clay you are not Brian so stop)

182: Nap time is important if their asleep do something else but if you wake them run like hell

190: Any movies about WAR are BANNED (I need a drink to talk about that one)

200 (From Bravo): Blackburn isn't allowed any more paper

200.1 (From Bravo): or pens

200.2: (Blackburn) Handcuffs. They handcuffed me to my desk and wrote that

200.3 (Blackburn): Bravo will not be allowed to tell their Commanding Officer what to do

202: Who keeps giving them superglue? This is the 8th time we are having to unglue Sonny and Clay’s hands

203: Do not let any of them take point on Briefing EVER

205: Are you serious? Paperclips! Do not give them PAPERCLIPS

206: Leaving anyone unattended with fire is a bad idea - I can still smell burning

210: This is Sparta (Jason don't kick people off the roof)

210.1: JASON I SAID NO KICKING PEOPLE YOU DONT LIKE OFF THE ROOF

213: Ash Spenser is not allowed on base. DEVGRU heard about what kind of dad he is, and now its kill-on-sight

213.1: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT ASH BEING ON BASE

214: Puppy dog eyes because Clay has been using them on anyone to get out of doing paperwork

215: RAY STOP DOING JASONS PAPERWORK

216: GO TO A HOSPITAL IF INJURED, TRENT HAS A LIFE OUTSIDE OF YOU LOT

217: THE GLEE CAST SOUNDTRACK IS NOT TO BE USED ON THE BASE

218: DO NOT PUT LION KING ON - they will cry like babies and there’s no consoling them over Mufasa

220: If I have to explain why BRAVO will not be joining teaching GREEN TEAM please see rule 1 and understand from that then ask the Green Team Instructor. (Brock terrified them by running the O Course in 30 minutes, all because someone gave him coffee)

220.1: And yes, that is the on the 50-minute-record O course. The time hasn’t been counted since it involved performance-enhancing substances

221: WHO THE HELL INTRODUCED THEM TO FROZEN

221.1 NO I DONT WANT TO BUILD A BLOODY SNOWMAN

221.2: WE WERE DEPLOYED TO SERBIA YOU BASTARDS

222: Gray’s anatomy (That is all)

227: VAPES - YOU DONT SMOKE AND ARE NOT PUFF THE MAGIC FUCKING DRAGON (clay I’m looking at you)

228: HATS ARE NOT ALLOWED IN BRIEFINGS (Sonny you know what you did)

229: MAGIC MIKE AND MAGIC MIKE XXL (still haunts my dreams)

233: I am begging you can you please BE NICE TO THE FLEET ADMIRAL (it's the 3rd time he's left in tears)

234: Chocolate - just run ok

235: Please stop re-enacting the screen from titanic when we are on a boat (I’m looking at you Brock)

235: PIZZA NIGHT IS A FREE FOR ALL AND IF YOU DONT WANT A BROKEN NOSE JUST BACK AWAY

236: Jokes. JOKES ARE BANNED - IF I NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I WON'T BE HAPPY – NO ITS NOT FINE TO JOKE ABOUT THE FACT YOU HAVE BEEN STABBED CLAY

236.1: STAB WOUNDS ARE NOT ADDITIONAL POCKETS

237: Monopoly got violent last time and Jason got punched

237.1: In fact, any board games turn violent even snakes and ladders

237.2: Board games. Just please stop playing board games

240: Why am I revisiting the nerf guns people? IT WAS A FAMILY BARBECUE! (You lot need to learn to let your kids win!)

241: Brock is banned from Cooking - I do not want food poisoning again

244: WE DO NOT NEED A FLASH MOB EVERY TIME DONT STOP MOVING BY SCLUB 7 COMES ON

246: If they pass out around the fire pit for the love of god move them Clay and Sonny tend to like melting the sole of their boots on the flames even when passed out

251: Plastic cups only (this rule is to stop sonny from smashing them)

254: Why am I needing to revisit Sharpies? They aren’t allowed them, give them Crayola's or crayons

254.1: Scrap that YOU CAN’T EAT THE CRAYONS

256: Clay you are not Spiderman get off the walls

257: WHO GAVE COFFEE TO BROCK!!

257.1: THIS IS RULE ONE ON THE LIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

258: Don't mention Hawaii five 0 just don't

258.1: They will attempt the intro to it, it’s just painful

259: Don't mention Harry Potter because they will all cry over different characters deaths

287: Soup is now banned (Ray. I honestly thought you were the normal one of the team. I am disappointed)

321: If you see Clay and Sonny cuddling just walk away, pretend you didn’t see anything, one of them had a bad day and the other is the only one they will confine in

322: Don't mention the Philippines or India just don't

330: If Metal and Trent are talking, just leave them be. (No one wants to know if Metal is yelling about something stupid Trent did)

331: Popcorn is not allowed on base it ended up in everyone's gear

342: Non-Aerosol Deodorant. (Two of them tried to eat it before realising it wasn't edible)

344: Aerosol Deodorant. (Metal and Sonny used it with lighters. to create a flamethrower)

344.1: Side note LIGHTERS ARE BAD

345: Headphones. DO NOT ASK

346: Rubber bands are not slingshots

FINAL NOTE: FROM BRAVO - BLACKBURN LOVES US REALLY PLEASE IGNORE THE ABOVE LIST ITS ALL LIES

[zelda-ffitzgerald3]

The Kini's knew what he did to Lili, but Elisha had no problem continuously jumping into bed with him. Even went on a whole fucking trip with him along with Dylan & Barbara. Hell, she cried her eyes out when he dumped her ass. As far as I'm concerned, they can choke on their vegemite.

[thatboomerkid]

CLEARANCE LEVEL 5 REQUIRED: IMMEDIATE POST-█████ (CLASS-███ EVENT) INTERVIEW OF Dr. [REDACTED] by [DATA EXPUNGED] CONDUCTED █ █████ ON █/██/██ WITH ████ BANANA-██D█ █████09: “DICK MEATSWEATS COLLECTIVE”

Dr. [REDACTED]: (is violently hauled into a cramped, windowless interrogation-cell with a bag over his head, handcuffed; is shoved unceremoniously into a metal chair and then immediately handcuffed an additional seven times)

(low, dull-yellow lighting flickers over a single long, scarred, heavily-reinforced steel table bolted to the cement floor; also, ██ is actively ████ SCP-███ █ of █████ with ██ and ███ ham-beast ████)

[DATA EXPUNGED] █ ████ (hereafter referr to as “Interviewer”) ██ and █ with a hot ██ and ███ twin spatula ████ Megaman ████ (see ██ ███ ███thick dong█)

Interviewer: (gestures dismissively at Dr. [REDACTED], addressing security officer) Please, remove that. It ... won’t be necessary.

Security: (raises quizzical eyebrow)

Interviewer: (gestures again, making the international sign for “pull the bag off his head”)

Security: (raises other eyebrow, even more quizzically)

Interviewer: (frowns, narrows eyes)

Security: (makes international sign for “do you mean ‘pull his head off his torso’?”)

Interviewer: THE BAG. TAKE THE FUCKING BAG OFF HIS HEAD.

Security: Oh! Okay, yeah, sure, that makes WAY more sense. (pulls bag off of Dr. [REDACTED]’s head) Sorry about that.

Dr. [REDACTED]: (blinks several times)

Interviewer: Good morning, Dr. [REDACTED].

Dr. [REDACTED]: (blinking) Oh. Fuck.

Interviewer: You know, I get that a lot? So, Dr. [REDACTED], could you — perhaps — please begin by telling me just a little bit about what it is you do here at the Foundation?

Dr. [REDACTED]: Am ... am I in trouble?

Interviewer:

Security:

Interviewer & Security: (suddenly laugh out loud)

Interviewer & Security: (continue laughing)

Dr. [REDACTED]: (frowns)

Interviewer & Security: (still laughing)

Interviewer & Security: (laughing hard enough to shed actual tears)

Interviewer & Security: (audible wheezing)

Dr. [REDACTED]: (pretty clearly offended)

Interviewer & Security: (slowly composing themselves)

Dr. [REDACTED]: uhh ... the fuck?

Interviewer: (wiping away tears) Oh, sweet hopping pogo-Jesus. That was goddamn hilarious. Yeah, no oh my god no, you’re not in trouble.

Security: Yeah, I would have just shot you.

Interviewer: Yeah. Definitely.

Dr. [REDACTED]: (nods at random dead guy seated in the chair next to him) Ah. So is that what happened to this guy?

Other Researcher: (also seated next to Dr. [REDACTED], also handcuffed, still with a bag over his head) Yeah, I was wondering the same thing.

Interviewer: (narrows eyes) No, that was due to a ... “miscommunication”.

Security: YOU GAVE ME THE NOD.

Interviewer: WHAT NOD!?

Security: THE NOD! THE NOD THAT MEANS TO SHOOT THE GUY IN THE HEAD! THE FUCKING ... THE NOD!

Interviewer: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT? WHAT “NOD”!?

Security: (shoots Other Researcher in the head)

All:

Interviewer: THE FUCK WAS THAT!?

Security: YOU JUST GAVE ME THE NOD! AGAIN! THE SAME FUCKING NOD!

Interviewer: jesus goddamn christ put your fucking firearm away

Security:

Security: okay, but it’s not my fault you keep giving me the murder-nod

Interviewer: I’M SORRY WHAT WAS THAT?

Security: Ah! Sorry, sorry, nothing, [DATA EXPUNGED]. My apologies.

Interviewer: That’s what I goddamn thought.

Dr. [REDACTED]: uhh

Interviewer: Ah. Yes. So.

Dr. [REDACTED]: ... so?

Interviewer:

Dr. [REDACTED]:

Interviewer: I am so sorry, this is really embarrassing. I have COMPLETELY lost my train of thought. Where were we?

Security: Oh! You were just asking Dr. [REDACTED] here if he could tell you a little bit about what he does at the Foundation.

Interviewer: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP MURDERING STAFF-MEMBERS, ASSHOLE. I’M NOT FUCKING TALKING TO YOU.

Security:

Security: don’t have to be a dick about it

Interviewer: I’M SORRY, AGAIN, WHAT WAS THAT? YOU’RE TOTES PSYCHED ABOUT GETTING YOUR CHAPPED ASS BUSTED DOWN TO D-CLASS PERSONNEL?

Security: No, [DATA EXPUNGED]. No, I am not totes psyched about that.

Interviewer: Yeah. Keep it up, just see what happens.

Dr. [REDACTED]: um

Interviewer: Oh! Shit, yeah. So, Dr. [REDACTED], could you begin by telling me a little bit about what you do here at the Foundation?

Dr. [REDACTED]: Ah, yes! Well, I’m an [EXPUNGED], an unlicensed [ALSO EXPUNGED] and [REDACTED] practitioner, as well as an [EXPUNGED], a [SUPER-EXPUNGED], two [JESUS FUCK, SO EXPUNGED], a psychopharmacologist with a background in [DOULE EXPUNGED], anomalous and/or cognitohazardous pornography and [EXTRA HYPER-TIGER-DRAGON EDITION EXPUNGED]. Crikey, my name is ’Stralian Dan! Dingos, boomerangs, koalas, wallabies! FOSTERS! VEGEMITE! PAUL HOGAN! YAHOO SERIOUS FILM FESTIVAL! (said with German accent) {O5–1 APPROVED thumbs up}

Interviewer:

Interviewer: ... and we hired you WHY?

Dr. [Redacted]: Well, for a lot—

(knock at the door)

Interviewer: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE. HELLO? WHAT THE SHIT DO YOU WANT?

(door cracks open just a smidge)

Interdepartmental Liaison: (pokes head in) Hey, everybody! Just popping in real quicksies to ask if everyone has their raffle tickets for th—

Security: (shoots Interdepartmental Liaison in the head)

Interviewer:

Interviewer: are you goddam kidding m—

Security: UH ARE YOU GODDAMN KIDDING *ME*!? If you don’t want me to shoot people in the head, STOP GIVING ME THE ‘SHOOT THIS GUY IN THE HEAD’ NOD.

Interviewer: for the love of hot greasy fuck THERE IS NO ‘SHOOT THIS GUY IN THE HEAD’ NOD and if there was I WOULDN’T BE FUCKING GIVING TO YOU.

Security: okay well that’s not what I was told

Interviewer: GIVE ME YOUR FIREARM YOU MURDER-HAPPY NUTBAG FUCKSTICK

Security: pfft

Interviewer: (literally audible scowling)

Security: okay well fine but I just want to be clear, for the record or whatever, that I feel like I barely murder ANYBODY around here

Interviewer: THE GUN, ASS-MUNCH.

Security: (hands over firearm, rolling eyes)

(knock at the door)

(some Guy From Accounting pops head in door)

Guy From Accounting: Hey, so real quick? We’re supposed to have this room—

Security: (shoots Guy From Accounting in the head)

Interviewer: HOW IN THE HOLY HOPPING JESUS FUCK

Security: Backup gun.

Interviewer: “BACKUP GUN”?

Security: Yeah, I’ve got like two dozen guns on me. Why? Did you think I handed you my only gun?

Interviewer: YES.

Security: okay, well that seems like YOUR goof-up

Interviewer: PUT ALL OF YOUR GUNS ON THE FLOOR

Security:

Dr. [REDACTED]:

Security: okay well this is gonna take a while

Dr. [REDACTED]: (slowly raises hand)

Interviewer: WHAT

Dr. [REDACTED]: um, I’d like to talk a little about what i do here at the Foundation? if that’s okay?

Interviewer: Oh sweet Jesus H. Tit-Cream. Yeah, sure, fuck it. Tell me all about it.

Dr. [REDACTED]: Well, I was recently assigned to a task force working on the SCP-3003 problem—

Security: Oooh, that sounds INTERESTING!

Interviewer: Oh, hey, cool! Are you done putting all of your guns on the floor?

Security:

Security: yep

Interviewer: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP PUTTING YOUR GUNS ON THE FLOOR

Security: What about stun-guns? Do those count?

Interviewer: WHY WOULD THEY NOT COUNT?

Security: Uh, ‘cuz they’re not really “firearms” per se? And you ONLY said firearms.

Interviewer: I DID NO SUCH FUCKING THING

Security: Well, okay, whatever.

Interviewer: i swear to fuck I will ██████ your ass to SPC-█ and ████ as of █/██/██ to ██████ for the foreseeable ██ in a ██████ to █ ████.

Dr. [REDACTED]: (visibly aroused)

Security: woah okay, wow? uhh, if you REALLY want, I can “divest myself” of all my stun guns, dart guns, shotguns, laser—

Interviewer: wait did you say SHOTGUNS?

Security: Yeah, of course.

Interviewer: Are you under the impression that, when I say “put all your guns on the floor,” I might NOT mean to put down however many FUCKING SHOTGUNS you happen to be carrying at the moment?

All:

Security: Well, you might not. Which is why I asked.

Interviewer: (glare)

Security: Oh well EXCUUUSE ME for seeking some goddamn clarity! Shotguns have a TOTALLY different certification process here on base, so I wasn’t sure if they were included in your new weird, dumb little “no guns” rule.

Interviewer:

Security: TOTALLY. DIFFERENT. CERTIFICATION. PROCESS. See, like, pretty much anyone on Foundation staff is allowed to carry a shotgun. Even D-class, which is totes cray-cray for shay-shay.

Interviewer: That CANNOT be correct.

Dr. [REDACTED]: Nope, that’s accurate. The rule goes all the way back to ██████ on █/██/██.

Interviewer: (closes eyes, massages forehead) oh well that fucking explains it

Dr. [REDACTED]: It does indeed!

Security: Honestly? I’m just shocked that more of the researchers don’t have a shotgun tucked under their arm at all times. Like, there are some parts of the building you’re not “supposed to go into” with a shotgun or whatever, but you can totally carry one to the bathroom or into the commissary or out to your car if you want to.

Dr. [REDACTED]: That is correct. There IS the 20-minute rule, though.

Security: Right! Like, after direct exposure to a cognitohazard you have to put your shotgun down for 20 minutes.

Interviewer:

Dr. [REDACTED]: “For 20 minutes”. WINK LOL.

Security: But, and this is VERY important, it is quite specifically AGAINST Foundation policy to use a shotgun to terminate a member of personnel. We’re supposed to use a sidearm, and getting certified to carry one of THESE bad boys requires is a full afternoon-long training course. It costs $20 to take it, too. And THEN you have to pass a written test, AND you have to re-certify every 72 months.

Interviewer:

Security: Ha! Can you even IMAGINE how much trouble I would be in if I used a SHOTGUN to terminate a member of personnel? Pfft. Jesus, we’re talking easily forty-five, fifty minutes of paperwork.

All:

All: (laugh)

Interviewer: okay but seriously ALL OF YOUR FIREARMS. ALL OF YOUR GUNS. ANYTHING WITH A TRIGGER AND / OR A FIRING MECHANISM, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO HARPOON GUNS AND CROSSBOWS ON THE FLOOR NOW

Security: Okay, but I’m gonna be honest with you? I’m gonna feel PRETTY disarmed.

Interviewer: THAT IS ENTIRELY THE GODDAMN POINT. NOW DROP EVERY SINGLE GUN, OF EVERY SINGLE TYPE, THAT YOU ARE CARRYING.

Dr. [REDACTED]:

Dr. [REDACTED]: So ANYWAY, as I was SAYING, I’m putting together this whole proposal where we strap SCP-035 to SCP-096, arm him with SCP-3664, run the bitch through SCP-914 on “Very Fine,” broadcast an image of his ass on state-run media to all thirty billion inhabitants of SCP-3003, then ... well, at that point we sit back, relax, and let nature take its course.

Interviewer:

Dr. [REDACTED]: Maybe have a margarita.

Interviewer: wow holy fuck

Dr. [REDACTED]: Assuming that the resulting anomalous entity can kill 100 people per second, every second, indefinitely, we should achieve 100% planetary depopulation of SCP-3003 within 9.5129 calendar years: a result, even accounting for a 200% margin of error, well-within our 30-year estimated time-window for SCP-2317 to bust-loose & dick-whip THIS shitty planet into a smear of dog turds and punched lasagna.

Security: okay that’s badass

Dr. [REDACTED]: THANK YOU. Can you believe that the previous best proposal was aerosolizing 5.5 quadrillion tons of powdered SCP-960 & SCP-963, mass produced via SCP-038, and venting it into the upper atmosphere?

Security: PFFT. LAME.

Dr. [REDACTED]: Yeah. Like, at that point, why not just convert the whole planet to Catholicism and hope SCP-2852 just casually wanders in?

Security: (jerking-off motions)

Interviewer: Actually, that’s just a smoke-screen. The REAL plan is to ██ under a ███ ████ with SCP-█████ ████ a pigs-in-a-blanket █████ █ utilizing SCPs-1981, 1004, 2030, and 1459 to █████ fucking ███ Marshall Tucker band █ ███ ██ ██ Keter bukkake █ and █ ██████.

Security: (vomits all over the floor)

Dr. [REDACTED]: (attempts, unsuccessfully, to hide erection)

Interviewer: The only real problem is just getting the idiots on SCP-2222 to point their dicks in the right direction. But, I mean, look. It’s a really nice planet. With, like, NO FUCKING KETERS ON IT. It’s the ultimate dorm-room fantasy!

Dr. [REDACTED]: I believe it was the Buddha who said “I dream of a world that has never known war, nor hunger, nor deception, neither need nor fear nor want nor heartbreak, because god DAMN we would totally kick that world’s ASS.”

Interviewer: It’s a planet of 30 billion idiot bug-lickers, and it’s sad that they all have to die--

Dr. [REDACTED]: Is it? 

Interviewer: The Ethics Committee requires that I say “yes”.

All: (nod)

Interviewer: (reading prepared statement) Ah-hem. But, sad as it might be, that’s only 30 billion people, and who gives a shit, ‘cuz fuck it we’ve killed more people than that since last Tuesda— OH SHIT FUCK.

All:

Interviewer: (folding paper & putting it away) Yeah, no, fuck, I shouldn’t have read that to you. Fuck me Buttery Jesus. Okay, so ... goddamn it. Everybody just be sure to take a fuck-ton of Class A amnestics when we’re done here.

Dr. [REDACTED]: oh yeah you got it boss thumbs up

Interviewer: (narrows eyes)

Janitor: (pushes open door, pulling a mop bucket and whistling the theme from ‘Casino Royale‘ by Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass)

Security: WOOP WOOP NINJA STARS MOTHER FUCKER YEET (throws a fistful of ninja stars into the Janitor’s face, neck, and torso)

Janitor:

Security: Those were poisoned.

Janitor: (extends middle finger, very slowly collapses to the ground dead)

Interviewer:

Security: okay before you say ANYTHING, those are standard Foundation-issue poisoned ninja stars that ANYONE INCLUDING D-CLASS PERSONNEL is allowed to carry AT ANY TIME and they most DEFINITELY do NOT have a trigger OR a firing mechanism so just handle your shit

Interviewer: (lunges at security officer) FFFUUUU—

Dr. [REDACTED]: Anyway, long story short? I’m gonna need a few thousand D-class. I wanna see if that whole “100 corpses per second” thing is feasible. Which I think it will be. Ugh ... hello?

Interviewer: (still punching security officer)

[disgustingtoast]

♧

alright you feral child /lh

You’re my: ancient mutual. You're probably disintegrating as I type this

How I met you: gen's blog!!!! just like half of you fuckers fhksdklf

Why I follow you: Why wouldn't I follow you???? Why would I want to miss out on reading all your drunk thoughts when I wake up in the morning???? Why miss out on all the teasing and wonderful interactions???

Your blog is: definitely entertaining. All I've seen the past week is drunk rambles (which I find wildly amusing) and the gay European singing contest- but if you don't stfu about ugly ass Simon Minters istg!!!

Your URL is: absolutely amazing. Love me some Jason Todd 😩

Your icon is: adorable! I love your blog's pink theme sm

A random fact I know about you: You can eat a spoonful of vegemite without making a face askdhasl

General opinion: My dashboard would be so fucking dry if it weren't for you and I really wish we were in similar time zones bc I miss you during the day :((((

[ambeauty]

I posted 812 times in 2021

11 posts created (1%)

801 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 72.8 posts.

I added 103 tags in 2021

#dickkory - 28 posts

#dc titans - 17 posts

#titans fic - 11 posts

#zendaya - 10 posts

#koriand'r - 8 posts

#dick grayson - 6 posts

#titans season 3 - 6 posts

#my bbs - 6 posts

#kory anders - 6 posts

#bamon - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 70 characters

#i hate everyone responsible from promotion and production of this show

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Not Brenton roping me back into this show again with that 10 minute interview 😩

19 notes • Posted 2021-10-28 22:39:15 GMT

#4

Can we start a petition that no scenes with Black people or any POC get shot as a plot device to get to some revelations get approved? It’s not necessary and its traumatic! Find a new way to be creative and push your plots forward. We are so tired 😒

21 notes • Posted 2021-10-07 12:15:42 GMT

#3

I know we are down bad as DK fandom when them both getting shot in the same episode is a crumb! 😫 They been going through the same shit for 11 episodes and haven’t spoken a word about it. I’m not holding my breath 😭

27 notes • Posted 2021-10-08 01:50:19 GMT

#2

Friend U Can Keep

This is a mini fic based on the Kitchen Moment in Season 3 of DC Titans. Based on this song (F.U.C.K. By Victoria Monet) and Brenton’s dumb ass quote of Dick and Kory being “co-workers”.

*Kory’s POV*

Kory walks into the kitchen and notices Dick’s all black suit first and is immediately taken back by how good he looks dressed up for once. The wrinkled button ups and chinos get real boring, not that he was dressing for her viewing pleasure anyway. Instead of commenting on his physical appearance she brings up the reminder that he is going to a gala right? So why is he stuffing his face? She swears ever since they got to Gotham, Dick has been bulking but in the best way. Ok she should really stop objectifying him, but she can’t help it. He’s just so pretty. She knows they are just coworkers and friends when he’s not being a complete dumbass in Gotham. However, it’s hard to focus on the friendship, when she remembers the sex just as vividly.

They continue chit chatting about that ugly ass T in the sky but whatever makes him happy and whatever makes Gotham PD (aka Barbara) happy because they needed to be trusted right now more than ever. Her mind continues to shift to what could be happening if they both weren’t so damn stubborn. Like him pushing all of the food and utensils off the island and taking her right there. How would anybody ever know? This house is too damn big for them to get caught right? Plus with their reflexes they could definitely sneak one in. Kory shakes all of the explicit thoughts out of her head but not before noticing Dick’s beautiful mouth with crumbs in the corner that she really wants to lick off or would look really good licking something off of her. Instead she hands him a napkin and tries to focus on being the best friend and co-worker that Dick can keep.

*Dick’s POV*

Kory walking into the kitchen while he’s in the middle of spreading vegemite on his toast with a batarang and he tries his hardest not to puncture the bread. She’s wearing a short skirt again. Why does she always have to wear the tiniest of skirts? He’s just trying to keep their coworking situation friendly? He even started seeing Barbara again to make sure that they don’t fall back into their ways. No matter how much distance he tries to keep between Kory and him, his thoughts always wind up back to that night in the hotel when they were super close.

Hell he just invited Barbara over like five minutes ago. He has got to get control over this. Kory would start leaning over the counter, to give him an even better view of her perfect ass. He truly hates it here. If he had it his way, he wouldn’t be pregaming going to this stupid fucking gala. Instead he would march over to Kory, grab her waist, and pick her up and set that perfect ass right on the island. The skirt making this whole endeavor even easier. Conner and Gar are probably knee deep in cctv footage or a video game. Who even knows what the others are up to. Nobody would know… Kory hands him a napkin and he gives her his signature dimpled smile. He has got to work on their friendship because his thoughts are really out of hand, and Kory is definitely his kryptonite.

I hope y’all enjoy this! The way this hit me was too strong. Dusting off 15 year writing hat off for these crazy kids!

Thank you @selinascatnip and @escapism-through-imagination for the encouragement. 💜💙

28 notes • Posted 2021-12-02 02:14:34 GMT

#1

Whew Girlies that finale was so garbage! There were some bright spots like the RV but that was it! No reunions, no explanations, no apologies, nada. I’m just here for the fics at this point I know my people are gonna fix it for me! S3 went out just like the past 9 episodes leaving A LOT to be desired…

I’m screaming at that hashtag, like who was on my nerves. I will be more active in 2022 now that I’m writing or whatever…..

46 notes • Posted 2021-10-21 13:33:31 GMT

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